#and of course we got: OVERCOMING PAST TRAUMA THROUGH THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP

[fan-kingdoms]

when i started watching a playthrough of pokémon scarlet/violet i did not expect to be found family ugly crying at the end of it jesus

[deliciouswastelandgoddess]

I mean, given that it's taken from the source material and that they (the directors) kind of left some plot holes scattered throughout, the animosity comes mainly from the Minor Family being cunts at every turn unprovoked.

Then you have when book Kinn finds out Vegas' been fucking every single one of his partners... and then its revealed that Vegas is the one that sent those men out to hunt them both down in the woods in an attempt on Kinn's life... and then you have Porsche finding out about the attempted r*pe/drugging thing... and then the Tawan shitshow... and then the final showdown/coup... not to mention the general disdain and condescension the Minor Family has for the Major Family unprovoked.

Just 'cause Vegas is a domestic abuse victim and has gone through misery at the hands of his father, doesn't erase the pain he's caused Kinn trying to one up him his entire life.

And even if we only focus on the show content and not the book, Kinn basically forgets Vegas and the Minor Family exists up until they start actively provoking them and acting up so, really, all the hostility is one sided and not personal until the Minor Family starts making it so.

I don't think there's anything Kinn would want to understand or peel back "layers" from Vegas when Kinn's been nearly killed twice by him/them... and then Vegas nearly did the same to Porsche, Kinn's partner, and Chay his partner's nong, even if it wasn't part of Vegas' plan... like I'm sorry, you don't come back from that and there's no layers they both would want to see past when it's become that personal... Kinn due to the Tawan situation and the whole going after Porsche incessantly knowing it's not genuine, that its only to hurt and humiliate him + endangering his and Porsche's life multiple times. Then we have Vegas for having Gun/Kan abuse him seemingly for being incompetent and not being able to destroy and humiliate the Major Family and then having the person you've craved validation and love your whole life from be killed by the same family whomst you hate and also contributed to this toxic rivalry...

They would both have to put their rivalry down and try to see past their fathers' manipulation and gatekeeping but it has become too personal for either of them that I don't see it happening. Unless of course it's for a united cause but never on a personal level. There's just too much pain on either end for Kinn or Vegas to see past each others' (bad) image of one another for that type of emotional depth and understanding and empathy required. Not to mention that the Theerapanyakul family is not too strong on emotional intelligence as it is (thanks Korn and Gun/Kan for the A+ parenting).

I'm sorry, but I just don't see Kinn moving on from that. The same way I don't see Vegas moving on from that either. It's too personal.

Both Vegas and Kinn would have to put down their egos, their rivalry, and their pain and trauma caused by the other down and away, and that will simply not happen in the course of a few months when they've been at this for years since childhood and have been fed lies and manipulation by their respective fathers long before show's happenings. There's just too much pain beneath both of their bravado.

Valid points raised Anon. My post was more a wish fulfillment thing because I like stories where people use the ✨power of friendship✨ to overcome differences ahaha

Like I said, it wasn't a real criticism of the story we actually got. Just a declaration to want something more. And when I say I can't forgive Kinn and Tankhun, what I really mean is, I can't forgive the writers (and that too not really) for not developing their dynamic more. The show ended without any growth or significant change in the dynamic between the cousins.

And when I say 'tried to understand his layers', it doesn't mean I expect them to forgive him for everything he's done. Nor I believe that being abused is an excuse for how shitty Vegas has been, but it definitely is a little bit of an explanation. Relationships are complicated, people are complicated, you can hate someone and still find that you could trust them with somethings (like Porsche trusted Vegas when he asked V to care of Pete). You can resent someone but still vouch for their character (like Vegas did for Kinn when he assured Porsche that Kinn would never Chay). You can be beaten and humiliated by a person your life and still cry when they die (like Vegas does when Gun is killed)

Like for me, it's just so much more interesting to see characters truly majorly fuck up but still somehow find a common ground to stand on with their narrative foils - if anything the whole mutual hatred makes for some really great banter when they are actually forced to work together - it's just so much more fun!!

I feel Kinn, who constantly screwed up things with Porsche, of all people can and would find it in his heart to sympathize with Vegas. Like just imagine the moral conundrums, imagine the guilt mixed in with the very real (well-deserved) hatred he feels for Vegas, mixed in with his constant need to do the right thing, mixed in with his insecurities. Oooohahahaha imagine Vegas having to make peace with the fact that Kinn isn't an asshole afterall and didn't deserve to be at the receiving end of all the snide remarks. I JUST LIKE STORIES WHERE CHARACTERS HEAL THEIR GENERATIONAL TRAUMAS TOGETHER OKAY 😭😭😭

Thank you for the ask anon, this has been really fun, I love myself a Kinn defender. *Kisses you*

[luna--reading]

[PICK A CARD] WHAT IS THE NEXT UNEXPECTED BLESSINGS COMING IN FOR YOU?

Hello lovelies~ ♡

This is a pick a card reading for “what is the next unexpected blessings coming in for you”. This is a timeless reading and you’re meant to see this right now! Please do find peace if it doesn’t resonate with you~ ♡

So take a few minutes to mediate on these 4 piles:

Left to right: 1 - 4

Once you’re ready, just scroll below to find the reading that you have chosen!

You can always leave a comment or simply like the post if it resonates with you, thank you so much~ ♡♡♡

Pile 1:

Tarot: The Star, The Fool

Oracle: A YEAR FROM NOW // FEELINGS – Emotions want to be felt. You really can’t surrender something until you deeply feel it. Allow me, dear Divine, to offer all emotions to You, feeling them fully so they no longer hold me captive! // TRUE LOLVE – Your wholeness and safety lie within, not from a partner. But this sovereignty actually leads to the deepest intimacy for you to stop using others. Let me stand on my own feet, dear Lord, and know True Love!

Okay, darling, I feel like this blessing or in fact, these blessings, that I see is going to come in continuously. It’s a continuous effort, I feel and I do feel that it’s going to be consistently flowing in for you within this one year. I do feel that there is a very strong love message here, so especially for those who are worried that you are not going to find a partner, or someone who is going to love you, the angels want you to know that yes, darling, you will get into a relationship. And I do see for most of you, it’s going to happen over the next 1 year. I do feel that this is someone that you’ve been manifesting, or it’s a wish fulfilment and I do feel that this new journey it’s going to be exciting and one that you’ve always been looking forward. The angels want you to know that you’ve been working on yourself, and they want to reward you with this major wish fulfilment, especially if love has been significantly on your mind. I do feel that this person is a true love and I do see a long-term commitment with this person. Be more patient, darling, is what I’m hearing. Over the next 1 year, you’ll start to see all of your manifestations coming together and that is because the angels are rewarding you for your hard work, so please continue working on yourself!

For another group of you, I’m also seeing a message of self-love. I feel like if right now, love is not something that you are looking for, then this blessing is that over the course of the next year, you’ll soon start to heal from past wounds and traumas, and love yourself again. Healing is going to take place over the next 1 year and I feel like you’ll find yourself back again so that you can start on this new journey. I do feel that you are asked to really get in touch with your own emotions and understand why you are feeling in a particular way. Only by understanding your true emotions, can you then allow yourself to heal from all of these past hurts and traumas. You are your greatest supporter, darling, and only by loving yourself first can you then attract the same energy back to you. Please start loving yourself more, darling, the angels have got your back and they are always here to protect and guide you!

Pile 2:

Tarot: King of Wands, Ace of Swords

Oracle: IF YOU BELIEVE // CREATIVE BLOCKS – If you are an artist of any kind, you can offer all work to the Divine, making it God’s alone. I offer this for the Highest Good to benefit the planet. Release me from any blocks and restrictions. May this serve all who need!

Okay, this is definitely my creative pile here! Darling, I feel like this blessing that is coming in for you is the surge of confidence in your own talents and gifts. Some of you may be an actual artist, a dancer, or just in any forms of creative fields. I’m also hearing motivational speakers for some reason. And I feel like maybe you feel like you’ve hit a road block recently, or just your talents and gifts don’t seem to flow as much as you would like it to. The angels want you to know that you have to have trust and faith in your own talents and gifts. I do feel that there is going to be an opportunity for you to shine again on stage, or in public, or just somewhere for you to allow your creative energy to flow again. But firstly, you have to regain that confidence again. You have to tell yourself that you belong on stage, in public, or even just through your daily work. You have to tell yourself that you are as talented and as gifted as others and you can definitely achieve your goals and dreams. I see you having that boost in confidence and allowing yourself to believe in yourself again. Darling, challenges and blockages are compulsory on our journey, but it’s how we overcome them to take in those important lessons. That energy is always within you, darling, but you’ve been fearful of allowing them to flow because of these challenges and blockages. Release those fears, darling, you are talented and gifted and everything will start to flow once you start believing in yourself!

Pile 3:

Tarot: 8 of Swords, 2 of Cups

Oracle: IT’S UP TO YOU // IMPATIENCE – My life is unfolding in Divine timing. All delays are beneficial. I’m always at the right place at the right time.

Now, darling, I feel like you might have been isolating yourself, or just wanting to be all alone recently, or even currently. There is this sense of you withdrawing from your social connections and just simply wanting to be alone. And I feel like this could be because of certain experiences that has resulted in you feeling like, you are being isolated from the rest. And it’s kind of like the energy of “I’ll isolate myself first before you can, so that it’s less hurtful to me that way”. You get what I’m trying to say? I feel like there’s a lot of unwanted thoughts that is causing you to create this barrier between you and your social connections and I feel like that could be due to anxiety or certain overthinking. Now, your thoughts and feelings are all valid, but I do feel that sometimes, you might be very stuck in your own thoughts and it’s just a downward spiral, resulting in this negativity that is around you right now. I do feel that you actually do have a lot of supportive, caring and loving relationships, connections around you, darling. But you aren’t seeing them, are you? I feel like if certain things didn’t unfold the way that you wanted it to (especially when it comes to social connections), you feel like people just don’t feel the same way as you do. So, this can be maybe a romantic interest and you thought that maybe that person doesn’t like you the way that you do. Or this can be a friend who maybe has rejected you on something and you feel like this person doesn’t treat this friendship the way that you do. But I feel like a lot of such rejections does have a story behind them. Maybe it’s not the right time, maybe this person doesn’t have the capability to do so, and so on. I feel like a lot of times, you tend to look at things from your perspective, because to you, you would do the same for others even if it isn’t the right time, or even if you don’t have the capability to do so. But darling, that is not healthy because firstly, you are not setting healthy boundaries for yourself and secondly, you should always put yourself first and not others. I feel like this period of “rejection” kinds of comes in as a lesson for you that you should always know how to set those healthy boundaries, and that only when you set those healthy boundaries, you can then attract the same energy back to you as well. You are not alone, darling, you do have a lot of people who are willing to support you. They love and care for you and those “rejections” from previously, they are here to protect you. Some things are not meant to happen, and maybe this is the angels’ way of telling you, you don’t have that capacity and capability to help everyone, it’s time to take a break. It’s time to free yourself from your negative thoughts and I feel like your blessing is that you’ll soon realise that you do have these people around you, but it’s really up to you if you’d accept this as a blessing into your life!

Pile 4:

PTarot: Knight of Pentacles, The High Priestess

Oracle: GET MORE INFORMATION // COMPANIONSHIP – When you fully bless and embrace your aloneness, you’re ready for the ones who are meant to be with you. May I welcome this solitude knowing it will open the way for all healthy relationships. // EMPOWERMENT – When you ask the Divine to take over, you get pulled into your own authentic power. It’s a force of inner love that WANTS your wholeness and magnificence. Unfold my true and radiant self, dear Lord!

Darling, I feel like there is some message or news that you’ve been waiting for and the blessing that is coming in for you will be this! I do feel that you’ve been working on something. This can be in regards to a work project, or an opportunity in the financial sector, or maybe even in regards to love and self-love. There is something that you’ve been putting in the work and effort and that I feel like as much as you trust the process, you might just feel that there is something that is still not revealed to you. Or you just feel that there is still certain information that is being hidden. I do feel that the angels want you to know that certain information that is being hidden from you now is to protect you and it’s just not the right time. And while there isn’t a clear timing of when this information is coming in for you, I do feel that it’s going to come in at the right time. And the angels want you to simply just trust in the process right now and continue working on this thing that you’ve been working on for so long. It’s really trusting that your angels have your back and that they are always here to protect and guide you.

I do feel that there is also this message of boosting of your self-confidence as a blessing for you. I feel like maybe you aren’t exactly seeing clear results or the results that you wanted in something that you’ve been working on and you are wondering if this is eventually going to work out. Angels want you to know that yes everything is going to work out and you have to trust in yourself. And empower yourself so that you can continue working on this thing that you’ve been working on for so long. These results are coming in slow but they are the most grounded and stable energies. Information, news, messages are all going to flow in for you soon darling, and most importantly, I see you taking back your power. Throwing away all fears and doubts, I see you being confident and empowered soon, darling!

[sirowsky]

The Flowers Always Know

Description: When a mad scientist uses you as an experiment while you’re on holiday, the Heroics only just manage to save you. And in your recovery you become very close to the leader of the group.

(Slow burn)

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Language, buried trauma, mentions of tortured and murdered children, furious Marcus.

Link to Masterlist

Comment: We learn a bit more history on the Heroics as a whole, and something Reader’s been supressing, that leads to some new developments concerning her powers.

(Again I apologise for the crossover GIF, but really Narcos just has the best ones. Also, let me know if it’s yours and I’ll credit you!)

Chapter 39

  Wisconsin was getting cold this time of year, and you were frustrated. Verity had really outdone himself this time. He’d positioned himself right smack in the middle of suburbia, on Barbara Lane, in De Pere, Green bay, forcing you to take twice as many safety precautions as usual, before you could see him.

  You’d asked Marcus after the first time you’d met the truth-seeker, if it wouldn’t be less dangerous and more inconspicuous for him to come to you, instead of you having to travel all over the country to find him. But Marcus had explained that he had adapted a lifestyle that meant that he was never in one place for more than two days, in order to stay ahead of any team that HQ might send out to investigate his energy-signature.

  He rarely used his ability to the extent that the new and more powerful sensors could detect it, but on the few occasions when he had, he’d found himself having company some time later. Their response time varied depending on where in the country he was, and whenever he was closer to the west coast, his temporary lodgings were always significantly shorter.

  Allen had been quiet for most of the journey, deep in his thoughts, but when you started getting close to your destination, the old man started talking.

  “I built most of HQ, you know. The Heroic organisation.”

  “Yeah, you were one of the founders, right? One of the first non-powered people to suggest that supers might need help to become actual heroes. You got them to talk to one another, start building relationships, creating the friendships that would ultimately turn them into a team.”

  “It was almost impossible to get those knuckleheads to coincide. There were only four of them back then, and they all wanted the glory and heroism to themselves, fighting for the spotlight every chance they got. We really thought our efforts weren’t gonna do anything.”

  “What changed it around?”

  “Anita Moreno.”

  “Hah… of course she did.”

  “When she came along, young and determined and confident, she elbowed out their failing attempts at leadership by actually taking charge, and making them listen to reason. By way of a beat-down if necessary.”

  “That, I can believe. And I’d have loved to see it.”

  “She was fearless of their powers and their masculinity, their macho-bullshit. And before long, she had them training to improve their skillsets, studying the politics of the world, saying that if they were gonna insist on meddling in other cultures, then it was also their responsibility to understand what the hell they were meddling with.”

  “And that’s where you took the opportunity, I’m guessing?”

  “I reached out to Anita, offering financial support in creating a training-facility for the supers, a kind of recreational area, where they could play with their abilities, test themselves against each other, without risking harm to anyone. She really liked the idea, and asked me to find out if anyone else would be interested in helping them, and over time, that’s how the Heroics were born.”

  “And now it’s been tainted.”

  “I don’t know that it hasn’t been completely destroyed already.”

  “Henry, the organisation can never be destroyed, not as long someone’s around to fight back. And you’d better believe we are.”

  “What have you brought me today, Rainbow?”

  A little while later, you finally stepped into the house, and Verity’s energy hit you. Since he knew you couldn’t use your power to greet him anymore, he called to you from the kitchen and you guided Allen there.

  The poor man was already pale.

  “Someone I really hope you’re about to tell me I can trust.”

  “A founder… this is a first. Your heart is filled with love, for your family, mostly, but that also makes you susceptible to great fear. Right now, you fear what will be left of your legacy once this mess is made public. You fear that the Heroics will be shut down, and that your life’s work will go down in history as nothing but a failed experiment. You love your creation, it gives you great pride, but you fear it too. The power it’s accumulated, and how the politics have gotten more and more in control of it. But you are innocent of any crime or conspiracy. You are, at heart, a good man.”

  Allen looked like he might vomit, so you helped him to sit down and brought him a glass of water.

  “Who are you?”

  Verity never answered that question, no matter who was asking, so you sat down next to Henry to explain.

  “He’s a very special super, that you can never mention to anyone. If you do, he’ll disappear, and we’ll have no way of knowing who’s trustworthy or not.”

  “He can tell the truth? I never even spoke…”

  “Verity sees the truth, like a web around people. I don’t know exactly how it works, but he can see everything, past and present. Every lie and every truth of your entire existence.”

  “Incredible. And really unnerving.”

  “Yes, but worth it. Thanks to him we have over 120 trusted operatives working for us all over the world, and that’s not including the Heroics.”

  “That’s… impressive. But I fear this enemy is going to need much greater numbers than that, to be defeated.”

  “Maybe. But 89 of those operatives are supers, and that evens the odds significantly.”

  “What? But… we scan for people with abilities all over the world, we would know if that many existed.”

  “Not if they’d been hiding their powers. We figured that anyone who was on the Heroics radar, would most likely be on SIC’s as well, so we focused entirely on reaching out to those that we knew were hidden. And in that process, we uncovered a whole community of powered people that want nothing to do with the fame or recognition, and once they understood the stakes, they all agreed to help us. And they, in turn, are reaching out to their friends, normal and super, to join the fight. Our numbers grow every day, Henry. We can beat these assholes; we just need a little more time.”

  Verity’s energy focusing on you, broke your concentration, and you turned to look at him.

  “What is it?”

  “I’m not sure. Something… something in your memories.”

  “If it’s my memory then why can’t you see it clearly?”

  “It’s been hidden. It’s a memory you can’t see yourself.”

  Your skin crawled and your heartbeat picked up, in an involuntary response to any kind of mention of your time with the mad doctor. Verity noticed.

  “A painful memory. Something you don’t want to remember.”

  “I don’t want to remember any of it, V.”

  “Tubes, wires, machines, syringes. Your body remembers. Your cells do.”

  “Pain… so much pain, your nerves remember all of it. You fought him. You bit him twice, escaped your bindings once, almost got out. He punished you for that by pouring battery-acid on your feet. He was so confident that his experiment would work that he didn’t care how much damage he caused you in the process.”

  Lost in his search into your mind, Verity slowly started moving towards you, centring all his power on you, desperate to uncover everything that was hidden. You weren’t sure if he was even aware of how overbearing he was in that moment. How threatening.

  He had never come across a truth he couldn’t see before, and it made him obsessive and ruthless in his pursuit of it. A part of you knew that, but your reptile brain was overcome with a sense of danger, and you backed away from him, but he followed you.

  “V… please, stop.”

  He didn’t even hear you.

  “You’re hiding from me. I can feel the memory so clearly, wrapped in a bubble I can’t penetrate. I need to know what it is.”

  He was pushing so much of his energy into your mind to try and break that bubble, that you started feeling unnaturally heavy. Your body suddenly felt like it was moving through liquid, meeting so much resistance that it exhausted you just to take a single step.

  You collapsed to the floor, struggling to breathe, and still he didn’t let up. He towered over you, and somewhere in the background you heard Allen trying to reason with him, but then a splitting pain shot through your head, and you passed out.

  “You stay the fuck away from me, V!”

  You woke up lying on the sofa in the living room, your head still throbbing and the light burning your eyes. But from what little you could make out, Verity was sitting on a chair right next to you, and it made the bear inside you wake up with full force.

  You launched yourself at him, placing a hard fist at his solar plexus, and when he involuntarily crunched forwards, his face had a very abrupt meeting with your elbow.

  He fell backwards, toppling the chair over and breaking it as he hit the floor, bleeding from his nose and cheek-bone.

  Allen rushed into the room from the kitchen, holding a pack of ice he’d apparently been getting for you. You wobbled over to him and swiped it from his hands to put against your right temple, while Verity slowly got to his knees.

  “I saw it. The memory you were hiding, I was able to break your defence the moment before you lost consciousness.”

  “I don’t care.”

  “He did it in front of you. He strapped children into that chair, and made you watch as he drained them. He made you watch their strength gradually leave them as the pain got to be too much. You saw the faces of at least nine of them, wordlessly begging you for help.”

  “I trapped those memories away for a reason, you asshole. Just because you need the truth like a fucking addict, doesn’t mean I do!”

  The images came to you as he voiced them. You remembered those faces, fifteen of them, actually. You remembered their pain, and how much you wished that you could have borne it for them. How gladly you’d have sacrificed yourself for them, if you could have.

  That was why your powers had manifested into what they did. That was why you couldn’t heal yourself, because in that time and place, you truly didn’t care if you died.

  You slumped against the nearest wall and slowly allowed yourself to sink to the floor. Your head was still throbbing, and you were beyond angry.

  “You do need to know this.”

  “You don’t get to decide that for me! You don’t get to torture me, V, that’s what the fucking bad guys do!!”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Oh, that is as close to a god damned lie as you’ve ever gotten! You don’t give a shit if your powers hurt me, as long as you get your fucking truth. If you’re sorry about anything, it’s that I’m not grateful for your efforts. Go ahead, tell me I’m wrong!”

  He didn’t speak. He just sat there, looking as unbothered about everything as he always did.

  “Allen, get me the hell out of here.”

  “Hermosa? What’s wrong?”

  You took a cab from the airport, and fell asleep about halfway home. The driver had a calm and rhythmic manner that soothed you, and he was listening to John Williams play the Concierto de Aranjuez, with the soft guitar notes making your frayed mind drift away to a warm and sunny Spain.

  He woke you by gently announcing that you’d arrived at your destination, and you paid him and thanked him for his kindness, before getting out and walking towards the gate in the fence. Your legs felt like lead.

  You could hear Marcus and Missy through the front door as you approached it, ingulfed in playing some boardgame, and you stopped and just listened to them for a while, leaning heavily against the door.

  Your darling Missy, the same age as several of those children. But alive and happy and such a wonderful person already.

  And Marcus. Your reason for living. The one that saved you, and kept saving you, despite the darkness that accompanied you.

  You hadn’t kept your word about checking in with him, so when you texted him while you were waiting at the airport in Green Bay, he’d been furious at first, wanting to know why he hadn’t heard from you in almost five hours. But he’d quickly calmed as you’d simply reminded him that since he was hearing from you now, you were obviously okay, and you’d tell him everything when you saw him.

  But now, standing behind that door, you didn’t want to tell him. You didn’t want to talk about it, and you didn’t want to burden him with knowing it. But you also knew that he’d see it on your face the moment you walked in. You were too tired and in too much pain still, to even try and keep up any appearances.

  You took a breath, and walked inside. Marcus was on his feet the moment the door swung open, and he swept you into a tight hug as soon as he got to you, but the mildness of your response immediately had him worried.

  “Could you just keep your voice down a bit, please. My head’s killing me.”

  “Where you in a fight?”

  He looked closer at you upon hearing that, and he realised that you were actually in terrible shape. He swept you up into his arms and carried you to the bedroom, while asking Missy to come and help him prepare a bath for you.

  She went straight to the bathroom and turned on the taps, and you could hear her going into the cabinets to pull out fresh towels.

  In the meantime, Marcus was helping you out of your clothes, and noticed a big black bruise on your elbow.

  “No… just felt cornered.”

  “By who?”

  “...Verity.”

  His whole posture changed, and you could feel a sudden rage emanating from him.

  “Tell me what he did.”

  “I’m too tired right now…”

  “Querida, look at me. Tell me.”

  “He… broke into the memories I’d hidden… the one’s he couldn’t see before.”

  “The one’s Prince had altered?”

  “No… the one’s I buried. The one’s that were too horrible… He forced them out, and now my head feels like it’s breaking apart.”

  “Why would he hurt you like that?”

  He picked you up again and moved you into the bathroom. Missy only stayed until the tub was full and she could close the taps, and then she hugged you gently and slipped out of the room.

  Marcus took the last of your clothes off before lowering you into the warm water, and when you asked him to join you, he did, holding you close and softly stroking your skin under the water.

  “He can’t stand lies, and apparently that applies to secrets as well. He just had to know; consequences be damned.”

  “He’ll regret that tomorrow.”

  “Don’t bother. He won’t admit to any wrong-doing. And we still need him.”

  “I don’t give a fuck. The only reason I agreed to let you go was because I thought you’d be safe with him.”

  “I don’t have anymore secrets for him to try and uncover now. So, technically I will be, from now on. Not that I ever wanna see him again.”

  “You won’t have to. I’ll deal with him.”

  “We’re still at war, honey. We’re gonna have to do a lot of things we’d rather not.”

  “Fuck the war, I’ll turn my back on the whole damned thing and take you to live with the fucking penguins if that’s what it takes. I’m so tired of seeing you in pain!”

  “Oh, please, keep your voice down…”

  “Sorry.”

  You sat in silence for a while, as the warm water started to open up your capillaries, easing your headache a bit.

  “Are you gonna tell me?”

  You knew what he was asking, and you really wanted to say no, but you also knew that you needed to tell him.

  “Prince made me… he made me watch.”

  The tears burned in your eyes, and you tried to chase the memories away, to lock them back into that little bubble where they couldn’t hurt you. But it was too late.

  “Watch what?”

  You didn’t want to say it out loud. It felt as though that would somehow solidify the images into reality, making them truly inescapable. He could feel your resistance, and tried to soothe you with his current, but it wasn’t enough this time.

  “The… ch-children. He made me… watch them die.”

  “Oh, my god…”

  The next morning you felt better. The headache had eased with some real sleep and you were starting to feel human again. Marcus was right next to you, his arms securely wrapped around you while he slept, but he stirred the moment you did. It was still early enough that your monday alarms hadn’t gone off yet.

  You felt him swallow repeatedly against the bile and grief that surged up in his throat as he realised what you were saying. He’d seen the lab. The extraction chair. And the freshest bodies that Prince hadn’t had time to get rid off before they found his lair. He’d seen how much pain they’d been in as they died, evident in their faces even after death.

  He didn’t say anything else, and you didn’t need him to, you just needed him to hold you, and he did.

  “Good morning, hermosa. Did you sleep okay?”

  “Morning. Yeah, actually I did.”

  “No bad dreams?”

  “I think my headache might have made that impossible. It’s gone now, though.”

  “Good. How do you feel about breakfast?”

  “I’m looking forward to it. I still haven’t eaten in our kitchen yet.”

  “Right. Eggs and toast?”

  “Please.”

  You went about your morning toilet and wash, before heading out to the kitchen together. Missy was already at the island, having cereal and flipping through a schoolbook, and since Marcus was already pulling out the frying pan to get started on the eggs, you sat down with her, before the school bus would get there.

  “Morning, angel. Test today?”

  “Yup. Maths. I got it, though.”

  “Oh, I believe that, you’re good at maths. Break a leg anyway.”

  “Thanks, alma. I’m aiming for top scores.”

  “I like your aim.”

  “Don’t worry, preciosa, her protection is in place.”

  Marcus had just sat down a plate in front of you when the bus honked, and Missy ran out the door while shouting she loved both of you.

  You kept staring at the closed door after she’d disappeared through it, and Marcus knew what you were thinking.

  “I know, but after yesterday… I just feel a bit more protective than usual.”

  “That’s entirely understandable, but please try not to stress over it. You have another one to protect as well.”

  “Right… Sorry.”

  “Don’t apologise, just breathe and eat calmly.”

  “So, Allen got the all clear, I assume. Does that mean he’s in?”

  You dug into the food and it was delicious. So much better than the airport food you’d eaten all day yesterday, even though it was just scrambled eggs and perfectly roasted toast, with those tomatoes on the side, that he’d promised you the day before.

  Marcus let you finish before he started talking again.

  “Yeah, he’s gonna coordinate for us at HQ, so we can keep our attention on the rest of the country, and world.”

  “Is he okay?”

  “Shaken, for numerous reasons, but determined to get his lives work back in order. He told me about the early days, and how he and your mom whipped the first supers into heroes.”

  “Really? Mom doesn’t talk about those days much. She’s told me a lot about my father, but not that much about herself.”

  “Well, she seems to have been a tour de force all her life, from what Allen described. And after what you’ve told me about your dad, I can see why he would’ve fallen for her. They were a good match.”

  “She always says that the best thing about him was how good he was at driving her up the walls, because it forced her to really look at him.”

  “I see what she means.”

  “I don’t drive you up the walls. Do I?”

  “Mostly just in the mornings, when you know I’m not susceptible to ‘fun’, but other than that, you’re pretty well behaved.”

  “Oh, no, the mornings don’t count.”

  “And why the hell not?”

  “Because your morning mood is way too amusing not to take advantage of.”

  “Hey! That is so not fair, I can’t help it that my brain just won’t start on all cylinders at once. And, for the record, this is the second morning in a row that I haven’t been cranky first thing.”

  His whole face lit up in a dazzling smile at that.

  “Wow. That’s more than just a record, babe, that’s almost worthy of a mention on CNN.”

  “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

  “Sorry to interrupt.”

  “What the fuck is wrong with you?! How could you do that to her?! I have always been your friend, protected you, guided you, helped you any way I could… and you almost kill my wife!!”

  A voice came from the living room, and with the way the house was designed, about half of that space was visible from the kitchen, while the other half was hidden behind the dining room.

  He didn’t need to step into view from behind the wall that separated the two areas, for either of you to know who it was. The truth-seeker had a very recognisable tone and rhythm of speech. But when he did appear, you couldn’t help yourself from getting out of your chair and taking a few steps back towards the kitchen counter, needing as much space between you as possible.

  Marcus, on the other hand, turned positively feral. He rushed Verity and wrestled him to the floor, while screaming at him.

  “I would never have let her come to any harm.”

  You’d never seen him angry like this. Usually he internalised it, afraid to let it loose because of what his powers might do, but this was more than anger. He felt betrayed by one of his oldest friends, and it enraged him in a way that didn’t even involve his powers.

  He had Verity pinned on the floor and was sitting on top of him with his hands around his neck, every muscle in his body was tensed to the breaking-point and there where visible veins pulsing in his face, neck and arms.

  “Are you seriously fucking lying to me right now?! You did harm her, you ignorant piece of shit! Just because she’s the strongest fucking person you’ve ever met, doesn’t mean you can’t hurt her! She could barely even walk!”

  “But she’s not damaged. Her mind is intact.”

  “I don’t believe this…I don’t fucking believe it!”

  He got off of Verity and dragged him up to standing before shoving him down on the nearest chair, still keeping himself in between you and the trespasser. He paced in front of him while he continued to rail at him.

  “Are you seriously telling me, that you don’t know the difference between physically harming someone, and hurting them? How is that even possible, with all the crap you went through as a kid? How do you not know the difference?!”

  “It was a memory. Hiding them away only ever hurts you, I was trying to help her.”

  “Did you see the fucking memory?!”

  “Yes.”

  “Tell me exactly how seeing those faces for the rest of her life is gonna help her!”

  “It already has.”

  His eyes shifted to yours, and you instinctively tried to back away further.

  “That memory has already made you understand why you have the powers you do.”

  His energy flowed through you, and it made you feel sick. You closed your eyes in a useless attempt to keep him out, but you felt him explore your mind again, bringing those images to the forefront of your thoughts.

  “Seeing their suffering solidified everything that you are. Through all his torture and experiments, all you wanted was to live. But for them… you wanted to die. You wanted to exchange your life for theirs. That’s your true strength – your armour and your weapon. Look at their faces, Rain. See them and know who you are.”

  “You think that just because you know the truth, you understand everything? Do you think you know how this feels? Do you think you have any idea how much this hurts me? Do you not even see how you’re manipulating me?”

  Your blood suddenly boiled with fury. Who was he to command your thoughts? To impose his perspective on you? This man that had hurt you so badly, only to uncover a truth he had no right to.

  The entire house shook as your powers awoke with a vengeance. You snapped your eyes back open just as Marcus turned back to look at you, realising what was happening.

  But you loved this house, you weren’t gonna put a single fucking dent on it.

  Reaching into that special place inside of you, where you’d learned you could find that sparkling dust, you drew it out and gathered it in large quantities on the floor in front of Verity. Then you allowed your mind to fill with the images of those innocent children, in their dying moments, and transferred those images into the dust.

  Fifteen lifelike sculptures appeared in the sparkles, perfect re-creations of the dead and long forgotten sacrifices, that Verity had never met, never known, and yet felt he had the right to use like string-puppets.

  He had the audacity to smile at your creations.

  His smile faded as you spoke, but he made no attempt to apologise.

  “You’re using my pain to force my hand. You know that my powers hurt me, and you force me to use them anyway. And for what? To try and prove you were right?”

  “No. If anything, my efforts should tell you exactly how much we need your powers in this war. You asked me to help you win it. That’s all I’m doing.”

  “And if our baby dies because of it, that’s just another sacrifice for the greater good?!”

  The sculptures collapsed into mere piles on the floor, and you glared at him furiously, daring him to answer you.

  “I don’t believe your baby will be harmed by your abilities.”

  “Your beliefs are of no fucking relevance to me. Tell me if you would care… at all… if another child had to die in order for us to win this war?”

  He paused, but not to consider his answer, only how you would react to it.

  “No. I wouldn’t care. Wars kill people, of all ages, it doesn’t discriminate. Many more will die before it’s over, and if we’re going to be outraged over each and every one of them, then we won’t have time to fight.”

  Marcus closed his eyes and bowed his head.

  “That’s not the point, V. The point is that we only win if we still care. If we stop caring about life and suffering, then we might as well join the assholes. Can’t you see that?”

  “I haven’t lived like you have, Marcus. Caring has never been a luxury I’ve been able to enjoy. I have nothing. No possessions, no family, one person I would call a friend, and whom, despite my best efforts, I do care about.”

  “Then it should matter to you whether or not my family is safe and well.”

  “It does, and they are. When I say that I don’t believe that your wife’s powers will harm your child, I’m not just guessing. I can see your powers, Rain, the core of them. And while they do damage you a little bit every time you use them, I don’t believe that that damage actually harms you. I believe it slowly changes you.”

  “Changes me… Why? Into what?”

  “I couldn’t say for sure, but I don’t think it’s that kind of change. I think it’s simply trying to make you stronger, physically. As in, superhumanly strong. Invincible. And if anyone’s body could – it’d be yours.”

Authors’ Note: I love criticism, please don’t be shy to let me know if there’s anything you like/don’t like/have questions about.

@allmyspideys​

@blueeyesatnight​

@hrk-fic-recs​

@strawberryperegrine

@lucrezia-thoughts​

@computeringturtle​

@sarahjkl82-blog​

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@ayamenimthiriel

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 232: Giant Bitchslap Arm

Previously on BnHA: Gigantomachia woke up and started ninja-running toward Aichi prefecture. Then all of a sudden we cut to Hawks just chilling on an Osaka rooftop with a bag. Everyone was like, “whoa, Hawks, what are you doing in this arc?” Hawks was all “well I’ll show you” and then he had a flashback where he fucking murdered Best Jeanist, probably, and everyone was like “um, hey, what the actual fuck” and Hawks was like “well you asked” and we were all filled with regret for having done so. Back in the Ol’ Villain City, Twice caught up with Tomura and Spinner and they were very happy to see him, and Tomura was like “so anyway we’re almost at Re-Destro’s tower and I can’t wait to fucking kill that guy” and the others agreed but they also worried that Tomura was too exhausted to keep this up much longer, and so Twice went on ahead to try and finish off RD on his own. The chapter ended up with Twice #241762-D arriving at the top of the tower to confront RD and rescue my boyfriend Giran.

Today on BnHA: Twice creates some clones of Tomura and the gang to help him out. Re-Destro then insta-kills one of the clones and tells Twice that he’ll kill Giran if Twice uses his quirk any more. He then makes his arm go all big and he just fuckin’... [gestures wildly] WHIPASH!! and just smacks them all to death, and then he goes over to where Giran is and gets ready to kill him while he and Twice are having a moment. Thankfully the not-quite-dead-yet Tomura clone intervenes, and as he fights him, Re-Destro launches into a big villain monologue about the Mother of Quirks, a.k.a. the mother of the first superpowered child to ever be born. Long story short, that baby grew up to be Destro, and his mom was all “please be kind to him and let him live in peace!” and so they fucking killed her because people are terrible. As RD is wrapping up his story and about to kill the clone Tomura, the real one reaches the tower and is all, “TOUCH!!!” This is the single most badass thing anyone has ever done, and the chapter ends with a wobbly Tomura confusedly interrogating an enraged Re-Destro while “We Will Rock You” by Queen plays in the background omfg.

(All comments are my unspoiled reactions from my initial readthrough of the chapter. I did a quick edit for grammar and clarity immediately afterward, and added one or two ETAs in the process, but aside from that there are no changes.)

so this happened again

listen here my anonymous friend, thank you for not spoiling me, but I do have to say that if your goal was to have me once again approach this chapter in stark terror, mission accomplished lol

here’s how it’s gonna go. I’ve got a mirror, and we’re gonna use it to cautiously peek around corners before clicking to the next page, and from what I understand that should protect us from being instantly killed by Horikoshi’s murderous basilisk glare. the characters, on the other hand, well...

what kind of sound effect is this

glomp glomp? are these Horikoshi sound effects? does he know his little Twice clones are making enthusiastic hugging sounds?? and yet this is oddly in character though

also it looks like he’s cloning at least one Tomura and Dabi! so that should be fun. we get to see RD presumably murder them all on this little test run, and then they’ll hopefully have a better idea of how to approach this on their second go-around

RD says he had a lot of guards down below, and he’s praising Twice’s quirk. well, his “superpower”, anyway

that was the title of this chapter, incidentally; “quirks and superpowers.” I do vaguely wonder why they’re so insistent on using different terminology for it, and I wonder if there’s an actual reason for that

anyway so now Jin is yelling at the clones that they’re clones. so it’s okay if they die and stuff. lol. I’m sure that makes them feel a whole lot better

you guys this is fucking amazing though

I wonder if this Tomura is less sleep-deprived? also, Twice duplicated the hands as well! that’s something that was pointed out to me a little while ago, back when they were fighting Gigantomachia. this actually seems a bit iffy to me now that we’ve been reminded that he needs to understand the details of something in and out before he can copy it. like, he couldn’t copy the quirk-be-gone bullets because he didn’t know how they worked. but somehow he knows how these hands work though??

or maybe he doesn’t, and these hands don’t actually work like the Real Deal hands. that’s probably the case actually. so anyways I wonder if this Tomura will act a little different. I’m probably overthinking this to the extreme lol

and Twice and Dabi are making the exact same joke I made three paragraphs earlier about “that should make them feel a whole lot better.” get your own material you assclowns

last but not least, lol at him having to reiterate his tale of bravely overcoming past trauma yet again to Compress because he missed the whole story. poor Compress, all confused and out of the loop. I wonder if Twice duplicated his robot arm. it’s hard to tell in the picture whether it’s missing or he’s still just in the process of creating it

oh shit

heh. it’s possible Jin has not thought through the potential long-term consequences of this little undertaking at all sob. but that’s a problem for future Twice! right now current Twice has more important things to deal with, like kicking Re-Destro’s ass

yeah, you see, he’s all “don’t worry about that right now” and presumably tucking that whole notion away someplace in the back of his mind to be properly fucked up by later on. as anyone with ADHD can tell you that’s clearly the best way to deal with all of your problems

-- oh shit and it looks like this particular Twice doesn’t really need to worry about that anymore in any case

what is it with people in this manga being decapitated lately. who hurt you Horikoshi

uh, so. hey

are they?? they fucking outnumber you by a ton. though as you’ve just ably demonstrated, that doesn’t necessarily mean anything

fuck. okay let’s pause this for a sec to get our bearings here. so a bunch of clone Twices have RD cornered with a clone Dabi, Tomura, and Compress, all of whom have their own quirks, but presumably weaker versions of them. they’re also each basically one hit point away from a swift death, which is definitely something to consider

meanwhile RD has just the one of him, but possesses an unknown quirk, and does not seem to be at all fazed by the current situation which is a bit unnerving. oh yeah, and he does still have a hostage, though, if the others insist on taking their sweet time to go and untie my boy Giran. yeah. so that part’s also not good. dammit Twice untie him already

SHIT

MOTHERFUCKING -- OKAY JIN, LISTEN UP, NORMALLY I’D TELL YOU TO CALL HIS BLUFF, BUT A LITTLE MOUSE (ETA: referring to poor dead Miyashita, not the anon from earlier! I only just realized how that could possibly be read as being weirdly passive aggressive or something and that’s not the case! sorry anon!) INFORMED ME THAT THIS GUY DOESN’T ACTUALLY FUCKING PLAY AROUND, THOUGH. I HAVE A FEELING HE CAN AND WILL DO EXACTLY WHAT HE’S PROMISING, SO PLEASE TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY OMG I DON’T WANT YOU TO HAVE ANOTHER FRIEND’S DEATH ON YOUR CONSCIENCE AFTER WHAT HAPPENED WITH MAGNE

sob. where’s that mirror omg

okay... and we’re cautiously clicking forward... and good, Jin looks appropriately shook

maybe a little too shook. look I didn’t mean for you to just immediately freeze and surrender though, guy

aww but Tomura’s reassuring him

yes but as I already explained, you’re all technically one love tap away from the sweet embrace of death here while he’s at full power. it’s iffy dude. idk. I really like that you immediately spoke up to comfort your bro though! the League of Gentle Hearts continues to warm my soul

oh my god but seriously look at them

even Dabi is getting in on the friendship action. even if I’m not quite sure how he intends to not burn Giran to death along with RD lol. but at least his heart’s in the right place

-- oh shit

THEY LOOK SO WORRIED OMG AND LOOK WHERE RE-DESTRO IS STANDING

A COLD FUCKING CHILL JUST WENT DOWN MY SPINE OH GOD NO I’M NOT READY FOR THIS. I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU TOUCH A HAIR ON HIS SEXY GRAY HEAD I WILL WREAK VENGEANCE ON YOU SUCH AS THE WORLD HAS NEVER SEEN, AS SOON AS I’M DONE SOBBING MY FUCKING EYES OUT

SOB I DON’T WANT TO TURN THE PAGE. THE MIRROR ISN’T WORKING. HORIKOSHI IS A SADISTIC FUCK WHO HAS NO QUALMS ABOUT KILLING OFF EVERYONE I LOVE. BEST JEANIST, GIRAN, THE DOG. EVERYONE!!

SOBBB NOOO --

WHAT THE CHRISTING FUCK

OH MY GOD NO PUT IT AWAY!! HORIKOSHI KOUHEI I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON’T STOP RIGHT NOW!! I MEAN IT YOUNG MAN!!

SOB HE’S DRAWING IT OUT FOR ALL IT’S WORTHHHHHH I CAN’T I’M NOT PLEASE WHY

FUCK YOU AND YOUR COMEDIC INSERTION OF FOUR ADDITIONAL TWICE REACTION PANELS YOU PITILESS BASTARD!!

NOOOOOOOOOOO

THE BASILISK APPROACHES, GIRAN IN ITS SIGHTS!!

OH SHIT

holy -- fucking -- I don’t even

wow

well that all went down fucking spectacularly

looooool. okay, time to move on to plan B guys. bring on the indestructible mountain man. let Tomura have his “I have an army!” / “we have a Hulk” moment

so is Giran even still alive, or did he get caught up in all of that. lol I’m just fooling. of course he’s still alive, Horikoshi is going to drag out my torture for this entire arc and make it really slow and excruciating

yeah whatever. they have a hulk. just you wait

and some of the dying Twices are glomping over to Giran to make sure he’s okay, naturally. because my feels were briefly spared for a single fucking panel and we can’t have that, no ma’am!

HAHAHA WHY

THESE FEELS, MY GOD. WHATEVER!! JUST LEAVE ME HERE TO DIE THEN!!

JESUS CHRIST, HERE I WAS SHIPPING TOGAWICE LIKE ANYTHING, AND THEN HORIKOSHI COMES ALONG ALL “BUT ARE YOU SURE YOU WEREN’T ACTUALLY SHIPPING GIRANTWICE THIS WHOLE TIME” AND FUCK ME, HE’S FUCKING RIGHT

GIRAN IS SMILING SO SOFTLY MOMENTS BEFORE HIS LIKELY DEATH, AND I’M ABOUT TO PERISH IN A TYPHOON OF EMOTION. GIRAN IF I COULD LEAP IN THERE AND TAKE THE BLOW FOR YOU I WOULD

YOU GUYS HERE IT COMES. IT’S BEEN NICE KNOWING YOU ALL. LET’S ALL HOLD HANDS AND WAIT IN HELPLESS TERROR LIKE IN TOY STORY 3

and Twice makes sure Giran’s not alone at the end though. god I’m about to lose it for real though, shit

-- !!!!!!!!!!

(ETA: lmao I love that it’s making a “TCH” sound. like that hand is so done with his bullshit.)

what THE FUCK TOMURA ARE YOU SERIOUS?!! I WAS ALL SET TO GO ALL “OH HAPPY DAGGER” HERE AND THEN YOU TURN UP TO SAVE THE DAY WHAT IS HAPPENING

WHAT IS THIS CRAZY ADRENALINE RUSH AHAHA. DON’T BE FOOLED, THAT IS RALPH WIGGUM “I’M IN DANGER!” LAUGHTER THOUGH

but wow, so yeah. feels postponed. fucking deferred, motherfucker. FIRST WE GET OUR FIGHT ON

oh hey! funny you should mention! cuz it’s just that he’s been trying to prove said worth for the last six weeks! so if you could provide some convenient way for him to actually do that, that would actually be great. Machia is a harder sell than Simon fucking Cowell, so

oh, he’s still talking

actually this is super interesting to me omg. also that’s really fucked up. poor Damien! he didn’t do anything! all he did was glow a bit, what is wrong with people

(ETA: I have been informed by many kind people that Destro is not in fact the glowy baby Damien from China lol. I got kinda mixed up there lol.)

probably cuz they killed her

yep

yeah that seemed to be where that was leading. society is predictably fucked up, etc. that poor lady

this has nothing to do with anything, but I just want to throw it out there that I would kill to read an AU with the 1-A kids set in this time period roughly 200 years earlier where they have to hide their quirks for fear of being killed over them, and they’re all just doing their best and growing up scared and traumatized and some of them are bitter at the world and others are hopeful of one day making it a better place. oh my god. “makeste, that’s just an X-Men AU” you point out and oh my god you’re right. that means it probably already exists oh shit. I need to go on another fic binge

anyway

Tomura is all “yeah I know history too” and making me feel bad. some of us didn’t grow up in this universe, Tomura

Tomura just let the man talk, I need more worldbuilding stuff for my AU headcanons

you’d think that the Army would be embracing the word “quirks”, then? this woman seems like the type of martyr figure they ought to be all over. I guess there’s more to the story and I should take my own advice and shut up and let him finish

oh

I see, so they associate the government’s use of the word “quirk” with their oppression. idk, I feel like they ought to be trying to reclaim it then. but whatever

so he’s wrapping up now

oh!!

his mother?!

DESTRO WAS THE SON OF THE MOTHER OF QUIRKS? DESTRO WAS DAMIEN?!  holy shit!!

so that means RD is descended from the original quirk bloodline! yooooo I did not see that coming at all. no wonder the rest of the Army reveres him

anyway but now the interesting part is over and he’s moving on to crazed ranting

whatever you say buddy. how did you wind up with Giant Bitchslap Arm powers if your great-great-granddad was just some dumb glowing kid though

oh now he’s getting all pompous

I’m sorry I didn’t realize having a long and tragic family history was a prerequisite for kicking ass. though if it is. may I interest you in the horrific saga of the Shimura family, though. this so-called street punk has quite his own tale of woe actually

oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

(⚆_⚆) [sits up straighter]

AHHHH THEY’RE SAVING HIM!!

YOU GO LEAGUE!! YOU GOT THIS!!

AHHHHHHH

!!!!! THEN TELL HIM TO SUIT UP

oh shit wait I think he might be talking about Actual Tomura and not Gigantomachia! even better!!

OH HEY THAT’S A NICE TOWER YOU HAVE THERE. IT SURE WOULD BE A SHAME IF SOMEONE... PATTED IT GENTLY

LOOOOOOOOOOL YESSSSSSSSSSSS

(❛ӧ❛三❛ӧ❛)

YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!

LMAO HE’S ACTUALLY BARELY KEEPING IT TOGETHER THOUGH AND IT’S THE BEST. “WAIT... YOU’RE THE GUY... BUT SHOULDN’T YOU BE... BUT WAIT WEREN’T YOU IN...?”

SO NOW IT’S ON BOTH EYES, EH? GOING FULL RORSCHACH UP IN THIS BITCH. WELL WHATEVER. I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I’M HIGH ON THE ADRENALINE OF HAVING HAD THE FEAR OF GOD PUT INTO ME AND BEING RESIGNED TO ANOTHER CHAPTER OF HEADS BEING REMOVED FROM WHERE THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO BE, ONLY FOR HORIKOSHI TO BE ALL “PSYCH!! I STILL LOVE YOU!” AND HAVE MR. RIGHTFUL HEIR COME UP AND FUCK UP RD’S SHIT OMG. AND I STILL SHIP GIRANTWICE!! AND GIRAN’S STILL ALIVE SOMEHOW AGAINST ALL ODDS OH MY GOODNESS

ohhhhh man. well, time to place your bets then people. who would win:

one megalomaniacal balding CEO with a giant arm who talks too much but has like an army and shit

One Sleepy Boi

hahaha. well, Tomura? time to get that worth fucking measured, then, kid

[alewyren]

tumblr is dead but I’m gonna post my thoughts on Inuyasha here too for archiving purposes. cw for (non-detailed) discussion of sexual assault and suicide wrt kikyo

OKAY. SO. MY THOUGHTS ON INUYASHA. warning for some INCREDIBLY hot takes.

it. sure was a journey. I am not sure if I liked the series overall or not. It had some legit good/touching moments, but it dragged SO LONG and there were a lot of things I thought could've been handled better. But it was fun liveblogging it for sure. And I got NarKik out of it, which snapped me out of my year-long creative dry spell, so it was at least a net positive time investment LMFAO.

I liked... mmmmost of the characters? sango, sesshoumaru, kagura, kanna, naraku, kohaku, K I K Y O, and even kagome were all Good. On the flipside, Inuyasha himself is FUCKING TERRIBLE and he sucks and I hate him. Emotional immaturity ain't cute, he gets everything handed to him on a silver platter, rarely apologizes for being a selfish prick, and the other characters are WAY too forgiving of his bullshit. I got tired of the tsundere het romance cliches between him and Kagome pretty fast, as well as how often he was jealous of her. Like, Kagome's insecurities over Kikyo I can legit understand (despite being #1 Kikyo Fucker). But whenever she's so much as civil with Kouga and Inuyasha's all HANDS OFF MY WOMAN I'm like... dude shut up you two-timing hypocrite. If You Like It Then You Should’ve Put A Ring On It. Credit where credit is due tho, they did chill out over time and some of their moments together towards the end of the series were legit sweet. I'm pretty meh on Inukag overall, and iffy on the resolution of her moving to his era permanently, but that last panel of him greeting her as she came out of the well gave me a Feel.

(Actually, on that note, it... would have been legit kind of hella if the series had ended with Inuyasha himself permanently moving to the modern era? Aside from their friends he had far fewer attachments in his world than she did hers, and there's so much more potential with him having to adapt to the modern era, lol. ALTERNATIVELY, kikyo lives and she switches places with kagome and makes a new life for herself in the modern era. thus letting her truly live as a normal girl. But I'll Get To Kikyo Later. smh)

The premise of the series is actually pretty strong, though of course you can poke holes in it. To my knowledge it was the first isekai anime that really took off, and the driving plot of collecting the Shikon fragments is excellent monster of the week material (though I'm not really a monster of the week fan myself). Also, youkai are awesome. Focusing the series on real-world mythology makes my Shin Megami Tensei heart very excited.

I know the series runs on emotion rather than logic, but I REALLY have some questions here. The fact that the well is explicitly stated to take Kagome back in time rather than to another world makes no sense at all. First of all, where are all the youkai in the present day? Inuyasha and Sesshoumaru are at least a couple hundred years old, right? What happened to them in that 500 year timespan? Surely some creature or another from the series would have naturally survived that long. So what happened? Was there a mass-youkai extinction somewhere along the line? Shouldn't this be cause for concern? Also, do Kagome's time-traveling actions create a stable time loop or a branching timeline? If Naraku won in the past, how would that affect the present? The two eras are just completely isolated from each other and I really don't get it. That kind of stuff. Yeah yeah I know MST3K mantra and all but MAN this bothers me.

Which brings me to Exhibit A of stuff I think should have gone differently: Kagome should have stayed the protagonist, and the modern era should have gotten more focus. Not as in her day-to-day school shenanigans, but stuff touching on the questions listed above. There's just a lot of untapped potential regarding How This Shit Works, rather than confining the story pretty much entirely to the Sengoku Jidai With Youkai. Also there could be plenty of shenanigans with characters OTHER than Kagome and Inuyasha hanging out in the present. LIKE KIKYO. okay yeah my kikyo bias is showing but it would be the perfect opportunity to 1. hide her from naraku (unless he found a way into the present, but that just ties into my previous point), 2. develop her friendship with Kagome. Which would have done both of them wonders. BUT I'LL GET TO KIKYO LATER. (I'm dying imagining Kagome introducing Kikyo to her schoolmates as her cousin and taking her shopping though..... teaching her how to ordinary human... like..... HHH.)

Anyway, Kagome as the protagonist. She was very much the protagonist at the start of the series--she took a more active role in a lot of the monster of the week conflicts, and just had a lot more focus and screentime in general. Then Inuyasha got his sword upgrades and her role in conflicts became reduced to sensing Shikon fragments and occasional use of arrows. It took until the last hundred chapters for her to get ANY sort of substantial power-up, and it felt... unearned? I had been looking forward to her developing her miko powers alongside Inuyasha's youkai powers, and getting bow upgrades to match his Tessaiga upgrades, but it just... didn't happen. Her miko powers having been sealed all along felt like an ass pull, and I wasn't really a fan of the test of character she had to go through in order to get the fancy bow upgrade being solely focused on overcoming her feelings of jealousy towards Kikyo... again... like it's valid for her to feel that way but we've been here already! Surely there's more to her character than this! I think it would've been awesome if she actually got some fights of her own too, and maybe Kaede and eventually Kikyo mentoring her growth as a miko? But as far as canon went, it just felt like she got shallower and less interesting over time as Inuyasha slowly took over the protagonist role and that was a damn shame. Let Kagome be the plucky isekai protagonist she was always meant to be! This, of course, ties in with my assertion that the modern era should have gotten more focus too.

okay, so. it's time. kikyo. Kikyo. I fucking LOVE kikyo, absolutely my fave chara, I was not expecting to love Kikyo this much lmao. All that ship war propaganda was a big fat lie. She has an ASTONISHINGLY mature narrative about the effect of tragedy and trauma on people and relationships, but it was SO under-utilized and shafted in favor of the Love Triangle and Inuyasha's Manpain and I'm FUCKING UPSET. Kikyo was (or at least had the makings to be) the best character in Inuyasha but she was not done justice at all, in this essay I

Like, sit down and think about it. Here we have a woman who lost her parents at a young age, taking on the responsibilities of her household, and training to be a miko on top of it--which in the world of Inuyasha is a very emotionally demanding position that requires her to basically devote her entire life to her duties, ESPECIALLY once she's entrusted with the Shikon Jewel. All while being required to live a life of asceticism and suppressing worldly desires. In short, she basically never had a chance to actually, like. Live. Keep in mind that she was a child/teenager throughout all this (she was 17/18 when she died). That's a LOT of pressure on someone that young.

At this point, she's understandably lonely and depressed, and then along comes Inuyasha. She falls in love with him, gets a taste of a life that would truly make her happy, and has it ripped away. Like, there's some really fucking dark subtext to the whole Onigumo plot. She shows kindness to a random stranger, who proceeds to make a deal with the devil to LITERALLY RAPE HER, and her life is ruined as a result. No, Kikyo wasn't literally raped in canon, because even though Onigumo wanted to rape her Naraku's intentions towards her were... more complicated if still incredibly fucked up, but good lord the subtext is THERE. And as a result of the ensuing incident, believing Inuyasha betrayed her, she straight up KILLS HERSELF. Yes, it was partly to protect the Shikon Jewel, but she did not want to come back to life. Let that sink in. Kikyo was driven to suicide by an incident incited by a man who took advantage of her kindness in order to rape her. (nostalgia critic voice) FAMILY PICTURE!

I'm not gonna pretend Kikyo was the only victim here, though. Inuyasha has pretty clear PTSD from the event too, even after learning Kikyo is innocent. But through his relationship with Kagome, he begins to heal and move on. Then Kikyo gets brought back as a clay zombie, fucks up his whole grieving process, kickstarts the love triangle, you know the story. Kikyo's perspective is actually really interesting to dig into though. She didn't want to be brought back. She's PISSED. Even when the dust settles and she learns that Inuyasha is innocent, the anger and trauma have changed her. She's got a good ol' dose of PTSD herself. She's colder, harsher, engages in risky/self-destructive behavior, and distances herself from her loved ones. Like, think about it. Was there any logical reason she had to separate from Inuyasha and his group to fight Naraku on her own? To keep them in the dark about why she surrendered the Shikon Jewel to Naraku? No. That's a character flaw on HER part. And all this puts real strain on her relationship with Inuyasha. They still love each other, but their mutual trauma has completely changed their dynamic. Their love is based on their past relationship rather than their present chemistry. They don't make each other happy anymore. Neither of them are at fault for that. That's REAL AS FUCK. That's what trauma DOES to people and relationships.

So, yes, I'm a hardcore Kikyo stan who supports InuKag over InuKik. We exist. InuKik does not work as a relationship in the present because they've both changed due to trauma and that's the GODDAMN POINT. It's not a story about true love, it's a story about moving on from first love. The problem is that Kikyo's character is largely confined to her role as a love rival to Kagome. Inuyasha's side of the InuKik narrative, of letting go of the past and healing, is resolved. Kikyo's is not. And boy, I was ABSOLUTELY FUCKING LIVID that the love triangle was resolved through Kikyo's death rather than Inuyasha just... fucking, PICKING KAGOME OVER KIKYO BEFOREHAND RATHER THAN HER NEEDING TO DIE. She can still die after that! I swear, I'm not just salty because my fave died. At least 70% of my favorite charas are dead. I literally don't care anymore. I'm mad that she was killed off in a way that reduced her to being Inuyasha's Woman rather than getting a chance to heal and grow apart from him, as he did from her. And this in turn cheapens the narrative around why InuKik doesn't work as a present relationship to begin with, because he never actually picks present love over past love! He just keeps committing emotional infidelity until Kikyo gets killed off to wrap things up in a neat little bow with no character growth on his part! This shit is why I hate Inuyasha (the character).

Kagome's kindness towards Kikyo also plays a part in why she softens up by the end, yes, but that kindness is entirely depicted as "I want to save her because she's important to Inuyasha and I love Inuyasha." Kagome's character growth in these moments hinges on her picking love over jealousy, NOT through actually bonding with Kikyo. On top of that, Kikyo saving Kohaku over defeating Naraku struck me as out of character (have to show she's not a bad person after all? which she isn't, but still). It definitely made her death feel even more pointless. How come Kohaku gets to live and not her!!! Seriously, the fact that Kohaku gets to live and Kikyo doesn't REALLY rubs me the wrong way. She barely even knew Kohaku! He was willing to die to defeat Naraku! NOT killing Kohaku to defeat Naraku almost cost MORE lives! It could've been a poignant resolution to her character arc, but there wasn't enough buildup for it to be a convincing decision for her to make.

And oh my god, there's SO much wasted potential here. Kikyo's resentment towards Kagome is super understandable, and it's never really explored. Kagome replaced her. Kagome is filling the role she should have filled. What's even left for her except her hatred of Naraku? She asserts that Inuyasha cannot forget her (her being lowkey possessive of him is *chef kiss* my wife is a bitch and I like her so much), and he doesn't, but she still straight up tries to kill Kagome lmao. Like I said they do reconcile, but it's kinda half-assed. Kikyo's feelings are never explored in-depth. She's never truly given a chance to heal and realize that she does have a place in the world beyond her decaying relationship with Inuyasha and hatred for Naraku. That her scarred, flawed existence is still just as fucking valid as Kohaku or Rin or Jaken being able to live after being brought back from the dead. Like lemme stress again that the girl experienced INTENSE trauma and COMMITTED SUICIDE. The notion that she's the only one who needs to die in order to restore the natural order, that her death is beautiful and tragic but necessary, is..... gross, tbh. :U

Like, she can still die, lmao. IMO it'd be legitimately more interesting if she lived, if she had an opportunity to carve a place for herself outside of Kagome like Kagome did Kikyo, but it IS possible for her to die without it making ME want to die. Just resolve the love triangle shit first, flesh out some of her relationships outside of Inuyasha himself (ESPECIALLY Kagome), show her healing and softening, and then she can die protecting everyone or some shit. That would've been fine. But No. She just gets killed off for the service of Inuyasha's character, so he can hook up with Kagome guilt-free, with NONE of this addressed. Because it's more palatable for a woman to be dead than broken up with, I guess? I Hate It Here, You Guys.

her (near) last words being "I've finally become an ordinary woman" rubbed me the wrong way too... it like, tried to wrap her character arc up in a neat little bow while ALSO entirely confining its resolution to being Inuyasha's Woman and discarding the narrative of trauma driving them apart. I love the narrative of the girl forced to be inhuman who just wants to be normal. This just felt like... a really cheap way to go about doing that, at the disservice of her character being about OLD love, for a forced (and false) sense of closure. Didn't like it. God fucking damn, typing it all out just made me even MORE pissed off.

tl;dr: kikyo had the makings of an amazing trauma survivor narrative but it got shafted. she deserved everything. thank you for coming to my TED talk.

SIGH. okay. there are other characters I wanna touch on too. Uhhh I actually thought Naraku was pretty cool, though he became way less interesting after Mt Hakurei (for the most part--he was cool again during the direct lead-up to Kikyo's death as well as the final battle). His identity crisis was pretty neat, as was the way he specifically targeted other people's emotions and relationships as a way to compensate for his own utter lack of a sense of self. Not to mention the cold, detached way he regards his own emotions ("my pp stands up whenever i look at kikyo, wish it wouldn't do that :/") and how this leads him to succumb to the influence of the Shikon Jewel, in contrast to Inuyasha and Kagome breaking the cycle. His lack of motivation is actually kind of the point, and I think it's neat as hell! Things got boring once The Baby entered the picture, and I got the sense Rumiko wasn't really sure what to do with Naraku for a while. His style of villainy got a lot more distant and "just as keikaku," when it was the way he got up in everyone's business and pushed their buttons for his own shallow amusement that made me like him in the first place. His fragments aside from Kagura and eventually Kanna were way less interesting, and I think it would've been neat to go more into his role as basically being an abusive dad, but it's fine. The Baby was a fucking boring and atrocious villain though, jfc. The /idea/ of Naraku's own heart rebelling against him was cool enough, but it means jack shit when The Baby is just a bland-ass villain who doesn't remotely represent the character traits that make up Naraku's "heart" in the first place, even aside from Kikyo.

Speaking of which, his fixation on Kikyo is a LOT of fun. Their interactions (which he was apparently secretly into), how he rejected his own humanity and destroyed both himself and the object of his desires, etc. Which is another reason he got less fun after Mt. Hakurei tbh. I fucking hate the way Kikyo's death was handled overall but I liked that he had to reclaim his human heart in order to overwhelm and kill her. That was neat. Something something toxic desire destroying both yourself and the person it's directed at. Then at the very end he realized that his entire existence was completely pointless and empty and his complicated feelings towards Kikyo were the only thing that ever made him actually, like, give a shit. Pour one out for this absolute dumbass. He's a relatable villain because I too would go to absolutely insane lengths to get over a girl I never even dated.

Uhh who else. Sango and Miroku. Sango was my favorite character in the main party. She's the most level-headed of the bunch, has a super cute design, and her story with Kohaku was responsible for a lot of the emotional moments in the series that really landed for me. Her friendship with Kagome was actually super cute and heartfelt. That scene early on where she broke down crying in Kagome's lap because she was scared of being alone again HURT. Also, Kirara is fucking precious. Miroku I've got mixed feelings about, since on the one hand he's a legitimately interesting character and some of his scenes with Sango did hit fairly hard, but DEAR GOD I hate the quirky pervert trope with a burning passion. If it were played seriously, I'd stan him to hell and back a la Adachi. But it isn't, so it's not. I've got mixed feelings about MirSan too. Their resolution was really sweet, but I was kinda like "wha" when Kagome said Sango had a thing for Miroku in the first place. Like, sure okay, but I think more time should've been spent showing her falling for him in the first place lol. Also the butt-grabbing joke got old fast. And when he proposed to her and basically refused to stop flirting with other women I facepalmed so hard. Can't have character growth when you have unfunny running gags! To his credit, he did chill out for the most part, but still kept making jokes about flirting/scoring that clearly made Sango unhappy and I'm like. Why. Then the bit with Hirai-Kotsu needing to be fixed. I liked their mutual resolve to protect each other, but I thought Sango's comment about how she couldn't live without him was..... a bit much. Like what about Kohaku??? But anyway I'm just glad Sango got a happy ending even if I'm still super *SQUINTS* at Miroku.

Sesshoumaru was pretty neat, I get why he's popular, though wasn't really My Type. Sure he's cool, but his /personality/ was a bit lacking and I think we should have gotten some more insight into his relationship with his father for how much focus his quest for the Best Sword got. His development was pretty good, but I've kind of got an issue with how Rin was more of a plot device than a character. Like, okay, one of the reasons I decided to start reading Inuyasha was because the announcement of Yashahime sparked a wave of Sessh/Rin discourse and I wanted to form my own take on it. And, yeah okay I don't like Sessh/Rin either and I say this as a certified Nasty, lmao. Less because it's problematic (though I find it kind of offputting myself, even aged-up) and more because it's bland. Rin has no character whatsoever outside of being a vehicle for his development and I'm REALLY not a fan of girls being objects for male charas' development. Still, I'm not gonna boycott Yashahime if Sessh/Rin is canon or anything. I prefer him with Kagura or even Kikyo but they're dead, so. If Rin has to be his cum dumpster to make this happen, then that's how it's gotta be.

Thats about it I think. I'd put it a rung or two above Naruto in terms of overall quality, but BOY am I still mad abt Kikyo. 6/10 probably wouldn't recommend, but it WAS fun.

[pokimoko]

STEVEN UNIVERSE: THE MOVIE - Personal Commentary

I wrote this to send to a friend, but I decided I might as well post it on here. I did a large portion of this while I was watching the movie, but I did go back and improve on some parts after I was finished, so forgive the inconsistent tenses. I apologise for the length as well, which is a result of me getting completely carried away and analysing a lot of the movie (I bet my English teachers are cheering). Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy my personal thoughts on the Steven Universe movie. (Also, spoilers if you haven’t already watched it.)

- The opening....wow. Not only is it pretty but it's just so dramatic. It reminds me quite a bit of old fashioned Disney musicals (I’m guessing that was their intention). Even the layout of the credits are giving me that vibe. But especially the music. Very fairytale-esque.

- 16 year old Steven, yeah booiii! Now he’s only a few years younger than me. I do like his older voice and design. Bet Zach Callison is relieved that he doesn't have to pitch his voice up high anymore. And I personally really love the pan flag colour scheme of his new outfit. I wonder if they’ll keep it for the season(s) following the movie.

- Aww, the Diamonds are learning. Sort of. They’re maybe just a tad clingy, but that's still improvement. I really love how Steven Universe never makes the 'villians' completely evil, only misguided, and that everyone is capable of changing their ways. Such a great message. (Edit: Ooohh, I unintentionally called what I'd say is the moral of the movie. Noice.)

- Naaww, Steven and Connie are so cute. Steven's happy little grin after the kiss was just adorable.

- Oooh, I like the 'Here We Are in the Future' (Edit: 'Happily Ever After') song. It just shows how much they've all grown over the course of the series. And it’s a great way to recap the journeys of each of the original Crystal Gems to the audience.

- "PEW PEW" Yeesss. I love their handshake. And oh my god, he really is so tall compared to Amethyst now.

- Oh my god, they're reenacting the running sequence from the opening. Love me a parallel. Just shows how far they’ve all come.

-Okay, why do the 'bad' guys in musicals always get such cool songs? Spinel's song was so catchy. Now I'm super curious about her relation to Pink Diamond. Oh cool! A scythe. That's awesome.....AH! Okay, nevermind. Nooo.

- 'Losing your powers' angst. I love it (yes, I know, I'm terrible).

- Greg: "Holy shhhhhheee really got everybody" Me: 😏 I see what you did there.

- Steven: "I have no idea what's going on." Greg: "Well now you know how I feel most of the time." Greg is so relatable sometimes. Kindly stop being my spirit animal, sir.

- AHHH! They've all been reset. Craaappp! And I was just going on about growth and everything! But I'm excited to see what happens because I love angst, god damn it. It always helps to make the happy ending all the more satisfying. (And...admittedly, the amnesia narrative device has always been a guilty pleasure of mine. I’ve always enjoyed how it allows you to so clearly see how a character has evolved over time and how much their experiences have defined their identity.)

- "Something is clearly wrong," Pearl sings happily and bug-eyed. Excellent and relatable. That's how I react to most things in life, honestly.

- "I could have lost all of my character development." Ha! Never subtle, are you Peridot? But also nooooo, not Peridot. Don't you dare touch her. She's grown so much and I love her dearly (and also Lapis' top notch dark humour. Perfect.)

- Sad song reprise is sad. I totally understand what Steven is feeling too. Things you’ve gotten so used to (hell, maybe even become dependent on for your emotional welbeing) can disappear so quickly that it can be quite a whiplash to have it gone, so it's completely normal to struggle to accept it, and to yearn for what you had not so long ago.

- Bismuth saying “We are the Crystal Gems” has watered my crops and cleared my skin. And I love her singing voice; the roughness in some parts suits her character so well.

- Rupphire Rupphire RUPPHIRE GAAAARRRNNNEEETTT, yiissss! Wow the fusion animation is really awesome. It's like a behind-the-scenes on how it works from their perspective. But I love how the two of them fusing together doesn't fix Garnet's memories or make her exactly how she was before losing them. Garnet isn't just an experience; she's also a product of her experiences.

- Lil' trumpet salute! Naww, Pearl, that's adorable.

- ....is Onion....immortal? He still looks exactly the same. 😟 I'm unnerved by that child and whatever power he had.

- Oooh, tap dancing. I love tap dancing! Even if Steven is wearing sandals while doing it. Oh boy, I love the friendship between Amethyst and Steven. It's always been one of my favourite things in the show. It's kind of like the sibling interaction I've always wished to have myself: supportive and wholesome. And I also love how their fusion shows that platonic and familial love is just as powerful as romantic love. Oh, YAY Amethyst is back! Like I said, friendship is a powerful thing.

- Oh my god, Steven and Greg are going to fuse. Ahhhh! Oh wow, it's basically Elvis with a six pack! Hehehe, so weird. But not bad either. And, oh wow, what a great song! Individuality is my kink.

- The ANGST is making me feel emotions. Steven looks so ragged, and the high pitched whining in his ears definitely added to that. And having felt that terrible myself a few times, I know how much it frigging sucks. And just like him I brushed other people's concerns off, so I'd be a hypocrite to tell him to take care of himself. (But I am a hypocrite. Take care of yourself, Steven!)

- Yep, here's the tragic backstory to make me sad about Spinel. Hit me where it hurts why don't you. Gosh, Pink Diamond really did some messed up things when she was younger (but thankfully she evolved from that and changed to become Steven). Leaving someone behind without giving them closure or even a reason would mess someone up for sure. You'd feel completely worthless. And unfortunately, being noticed for any reason⁠—good or bad⁠—is generally a way to cope with that feeling. Spinel is doing what she can to deal with what Pink did to her, and that unfortunately involves lashing out and hurting others.

- The 'True Kinda Love' song! Knew it'd turn up at one point. Knowing the context makes it so much better too. And hell yeah, Garnet is back!

- Blood? On this Christian Server? It's more likely than you think.

- “This is the story of my life.” Ahh! Steven's just a kid, and he's gone through so much. But, I gotta say, he is absolute proof that having a rough childhood and being a flawed person in the past (*cough* Pink Diamond *cough*) doesn't condemn you to being a wicked person forever. Anyone, regardless of their circumstances and experiences, can be a good person. Your early years don't define your identity or what will become of your future.

- Spinel: “When you change, you change for the better. When I change, I change for the worse. I used to be just not good, just not good enough for Pink. Now I'm not good at all!” Damn. That's powerful. Trauma can be such a difficult thing to overcome, and some people lose their way in their attempt to leave it behind. Sometimes, though, growing doesn't mean changing yourself and erasing the past; sometimes it means accepting the parts of your past that made you who you are now. Showing the importance of past experiences through the Crystal Gem's recovery of their identities is such a smart way of showing this concept to the audience. Such a great analogy. Now, let's hope Spinel can accept that though she has been changed as a result of her trauma, that doesn't make her ‘bad’ or unworthy of love (because that’s just not true!)

- “There's no such thing as happily ever after”. Sad but true. And also turning the whole Disney vibe the movie began with in on its head. Very smart.

- Steven: “I'll always have more work to do”. Then, Spinel: “I've got work to do. Friendship isn't going to be easy for me. I'm gonna have to work at it”. Exactly. That's how it is. ‘Happily ever after’ is a stagnant concept, and staying the same person for the rest of your life isn't healthy. And deciding to work towards improving yourself can sometimes be the hardest step to take when it comes to overcoming trauma. But change can be good; you should always keep working on improving yourself, no matter how comfortable you are with who you are and where you're at. Evolution is a part of living.

- Ooooh, White Diamond got sassy. She even has the hand gestures down. She’s making up for all the years she spent T-posing.Good for her.

- Oh my gosh, the focus on the Diamond's hands! Instead of destroying, their holding a hand out in a gesture of friendship. Seriously, that's frigging growth. That's such a cool parallel too. Rebecca Sugar and her crew are just brilliant.

- I'm so glad the Diamonds got someone to love and help them through their grief, and Spinel got someone to love her unconditionally, regardless of the flaws she thinks she has. They all got someone to help them heal. That’s wonderful.

- “I can make a change.” 👏Yes👏you👏can! That's your superpower.

Damn, that was so wonderful! I've always loved the message of personal growth, and the movie did it so well. In my opinion, Steven Universe has always been great at analogies to explain real life things (ie. Malachite being a metaphor for toxic relationships) so I really like how they used to amnesia narrative device to show not only how much someone can change and grow over time, but also to show it's our experiences, good and bad, that shape us as a person. Lots of people have traumatic experiences in their life that can inadvertantly shape a lot of their personality, and it can be hard to leave that behind, especially if so much of your identity is dependent on those experiences. Sometimes they can lead us to becoming ‘bad’ people, but they can also help make us good people too. Just look at Steven! He was able to accept his past traumas and use them so as to help others heal their own. 

Trauma isn't something you can erase without erasing a large part of your identity. It can be tough to live with, nonetheless. Sometimes, like Spinel, you just need a helping hand in accepting the scars life has given you; to help you grow beyond it and maybe even eventually be able to help others who are going/have gone through similar experiences.

And there's no shame in trying to be better and failing over and over again. At least you are trying. Because trying to be good against all odds, against the whole world doing its best to destroy you, shows just how strong you really are.

-----------

Sorry for getting flowery (and maybe just a tad projective). As you can see I just really like the moral of the movie, as well as pretty much every other aspect. I'm sure there's a lot of little intricacies I missed, but this is what I took from my first viewing of it. And these are just my opinions; you might have got a whole different vibe from the movie. You are completely welcome to add you own thoughts and improve upon mine (because I am by no means an expert).

So, to summarise my own thoughts on the movie, I’m just going to say: Personal growth for the win!

[rebelcourtesan]

KH4 Wishlist (SPOILERS)

Finished Kingdom Hearts 3 and I have to say its a stellar game.  Definitely the gave we’ve been waiting for years to arrive.  And I’m looking forward to the second installation, though I do have a wishlist.

Below are spoilers for Kingdom Hearts 3.  Do NOT read any further if you haven’t finished the game and/or don’t want to be spoiled.  

THERE BE SPOILERS BELOW!!!!

1.  A Smaller Cast of Characters (excluding World/Disney characters)

    Don’t get me wrong.  I love the characters of Kingdom Hearts, but the problem is that it became congested with too many characters with their own stories and plots.  Some characters are actually extensions of other characters.  Roxas/Ventus/Sora and then there’s Naimine/Kairi.  Not mention Riku/Replica Riku/Darkness Riku and Xehanort/Ansem/Xemnas/Young Xehanort and so on.  You see where it can get confusing.

The cast needs to be reduced by about 75 percent so we have a more simple story that’s not convoluted web of plots and backgrounds.  The best solution to this is to let these ‘cut’ characters retire to their happy endings or be reduced to background or minor characters.  Let Lea/Axel, Xion, and Roxas live happily together in Twilight Town with Haynar and the gang.  Have Ansem and the redeemed members of the Organization do research on Radiant Garden.  Pick a core cast and expand that cast’s backgrounds and slowly introduce new characters. 

 2. New Protagonist

    I might get flamed for this, but bear with me.  I like Sora as much as anyone, but while playing KH 3, his personality grated on me.  I understand he’s the protagonist with the heart of gold and boyish charm, but watching him interact with the other Disney characters was like eating spoonfuls of sugar and washing it down with syrup.  I understand that his ability to make friends with whomever he meets is a special ability that makes him stand out in Kingdom Hearts, but it gets annoying after a while to constantly hear him introducing himself and his companions over and over and over and over and over again and again and again!    

Don’t get me wrong, there were good moments such as when he, Donald, and Goofy jumped on Davy Jones for stabbing will Turner and when he was upset at the idea of losing his friends showed a rare depth of character for him.  .  

But for too long Sora has been like this KH savior with no flaws save for not being as bright as others.  His personality has changed very little since his first introduction way back in the first KH.  In fact, he was more interesting in KH1 because he had self doubts about his capabilities which he overcame to confront Riku and regaining the Keyblade.  

I feel that Kingdom Hearts series is in dire need of a soft reboot, and the best way to do that is to replace Sora as a protagonist.  He’s had a good long run across six games and 17 years, but now it’s time to pass on the torch to another. 

3. Aqua as the Next Protagonist

 I adore Aqua.  She’s a mature, beautiful, talented, brave, and loyal female character in Kingdom Hearts.  My favorite play through of BBS is playing through her storyline and I wish there was more worlds for her to explore.  I enjoyed the scene when she insisted on trying on the glass slipper in Cinderalla’s world to buy time for Jaq to free Cinderella.  When she went to Olympus Coliseum she was flirted with by both Zack and Phil.  

The interactions with other World characters would be far more interesting when the protagonist is a capable young woman and not a ragamuffin boy who gets slotted as the new kid and friends.  

What Aqua has that Sora doesn’t, is that she has more of an edge in her backstory.  She spent ten frickin’ years in the Realm of Darkness!  That has got to carry some scars for our blue haired warrior maiden and it could have even corrupted her.  The experience could have given her PTSD, (GASP!  A female character with PTSD that isn’t the result of sexual assualt?).  She could go on a journey to other worlds to find a way to remove the corruption or to find Sora who has disappeared at the end of Kingdom Hearts 3.   

By extension, Aqua need not go it alone . . .

4. A New All Female Trio

Again, assuming they go with Aqua (or a female protagonist), instead of iconic Disney characters like Goofy and Donald accompanying the lead, let’s have female characters go on the journey instead.  Of course, your first thought would be Minnie and Daisy, but they wouldn’t be well suited as Aqua’s companions.  

For starters, both characters are female version on their love interests.  Hell, they were originally created so Donald and Mickey could have girlfriends.  Besides, both of them are rooted in the Disneyland world with their respected paramours.  The more suitable companions would be Disney women who don’t have love interests tying them down and would make for excellent comrades in battle.

Merida from Brave could offer range attacks and support.  She has a bold spirit with an impetuous nature that could offset the other women and sometimes get them into trouble.  I can see her hopping on a Gummi ship just for the adventure of traveling to other worlds.  

Elsa would be the ‘mage’ of the group with Ice magic.  She would bring diplomacy and calm that could clash with Merida’s fiery personality.  You’d have to convince her to leave Arendelle behind for advantage, since she’s the first Disney Queen who isn’t the mother of a princess nor evil.  

We need more positive female friendships for young girls to emulate.  Setting aside Disney characters, the bromance in Kingdom Hearts has been done to death with Riku/Sora, Riku/Mickey, Sora/Donald/Goofy, and many many others.  Very rarely so we see the female characters together in the same room and hold a positive conversation with each other.  Yes, we know, guys can be the best of friends to each other and girls, but how about we see girls being besties with each other.

5. Maturer Storylines that aren’t so Heart centric       

That being said, let me explain.  As I mentioned before, watching Sora interact with Disney characters has been like eating raw sugar.  It’s sweet, but sometimes it was terribly too sweet.  

When I say mature, I don’t mean Adult Situation, Sexual Content, or Gore and Violence.  I mean a story that deals with darker themes than just the power of friendship.  Just as dealing with loss, betrayal, self-doubt, trauma, and conflicted feelings.  

Aqua could go from world to world to experience an array of emotional problems and come from it a stronger woman, mentally and emotionally, with the support of her companions.  It would give her the strength to overcome her past traumas from her time in the Realm of Darkness.  

We keep getting hit over the head  about Hearts connecting people, which is a powerful message, but good grief, it gets old after a while.  I get it, it’s in the title Kingdom Hearts, but can’t we focus on something other Hearts?  Connection between people is important, but there are other connections other than friendships.  Brotherly or sisterly love, parent/child, rivals, enemies, lovers, comrades, coworkers, etc.   

6. Let the Protagonist have more Influence in the Worlds

In Kingdom Hearts 3, the worlds I enjoyed most were the ones that didn’t follow the central plot in their respective films.  These are all popular movies most people have already seen prior to playing the game and I found myself becoming a little bored when I see the same scenes replay themselves in the game.  

On a side note, I really appreciate the care and detail that Square Enix put into recreating these iconic scenes.  I REALLY REALLY DO!!!  Especially with Pirates of the Carribean.  But I wanted to see more interaction between Sora, Donald, and Goofy and not have them be observers to the story.  In some worlds, they were outsiders looking in, especially in the Frozen world or tag alongs as they were in Tangle and Pirates.  

The best worlds were Monster Inc, Big Hero Six, and Toy Story which didn’t follow the movie plots, but had their own stories for the game.  Sora and gang has better interaction with these groups of characters.  Buzz was suspicious of them, they were practically adopted by the Big Hero Six, and helped Sully and Mike protect Boo and save the company. 

Best moments for me was when Sully and Mike threw Vanitas through the doors and Jack Sparrow’s bad breath sent Luxford overboard.  

  6. World Wishlist

Assuming that I get my dream team of Aqua/Merida/Elsa, these are the worlds I would love for them to explore.

Tron Uprising - it’s still considered canon, though it lasted one season.  I can see Aqua wearing blue circuits, Merida green, and Elsa with yellow. 

Zootopia -  A world with a transformation magic. Aqua is a blue bird, Merida a bear, and Elsa as a snow leopard.  

Star Wars - Team up with Ahsoka Tano to take down Separatist droids and/or Sith. 

Marvel Universe - Meeting the Avengers

Gravity Falls - I can see the DreamTeam aiding the twins in an investigation of a new mystery of the town.

Wreck -It - Ralph - Let’s have video game characters meet iconic video game characters.  

DuckTales (2017 Reboot) - Aqua has already met Scrooge McDuck, I can see him enlisting her to help in a quest.

Mulan - Always a plus to see strong women teaming up with others.  

Gummi Bears - This old gem deserves some love.

Last - Let this Journey be more about Self-Growth

Heroes save worlds and people, but the hero’s journey is about discovering what one is capable of.  Discovering and drawing lines, overcoming challenges and fears, and finding inner strength.  

Let’s see a protagonist learn a lesson from each world she visits and take that lesson into her core and reaches the end of her journey as a stronger person.  Let this journey be one of self-discovery and not just to oppose a growing threat, though it would be alright if there was one lingering in the background.

Aqua’s journey could be to conquer her own darkness, much like Riku had in his own journey.

That’s all I have for this wishlist.  Or maybe I just outlined a Kingdom Hearts fanfic.  *shrugs*   

[stevenuniversallyreviews]

Episode 81: Same Old World

”I’ve got nowhere to go.”

It’s impossible to overstate how important Mirror Gem was in redirecting the entire series from the daily adventures of a magical kid to a long-term story about (among many other things) how sins of the past loom over the present. But I’ve certainly tried! I’ve gone on about the episode’s impact at length in multiple reviews, but it bears repeating again here, because Same Old World is where Lapis Lazuli finally starts to shift from Important Character to regular fixture.

For someone that leaves such a lasting impression, we don’t see much of Lapis until Season 3. After she flies away healed in Ocean Gem, we catch a glimpse of her in The Message, where she once again has a huge impact for her small amount of time on screen. This frantic, confused version of Lapis is what we’ll get in The Return and Jailbreak and Chille Tid, but we see her get angrier with each appearance as she’s forced to face trial after trial. Her suffering was supposed to be over, but it keeps happening, and by the time she’s finally free again it makes sense that her first instinct is to get the hell off this planet.

But the saddest thing about Lapis isn’t her horrible luck, even if her ordeals are arguably more intense than any other character’s. It’s that she’s had to face these ordeals alone. The Crystal Gems and the Off-Colors are ragtag teams of outcasts, but they still have each other. Homeworlders like the Diamonds and their underlings, even the wandering Jasper, fit in just fine with an established society. Peridot makes a relatively smooth transition from the latter to the former. But Lapis’s comfort zone only exists in a past that will never come back. Steven may be the only Gem with parents, but the tragedy of Lapis Lazuli is that she’s an orphan. Only in Spinel do we meet another Gem cursed with such abandonment.

Why does Lapis attach herself so strongly to Steven, to the point where she’s willing to risk everything to protect him from Homeworld? For the same reason she eventually latches onto Jasper despite knowing that it’s toxic: because she has nobody else. And that isolation, rather than the specific injustices she has faced, is the trauma she’s actually forced to overcome starting in Season 3, beginning with Peridot in our next episode. But for now, Same Old World does a brilliant job establishing who this character is (a lost, lonely soul) and what she needs (a home and a family) so that she can make a change. And it does this not by showing her wallowing, but rather, for the first time since Ocean Gem, by showing her happy.

It says everything about Lapis that she sincerely enjoys hanging out with Steven. Despite her antisocial tendencies, she doesn’t hate people, she just doesn’t trust them (and for good reason). By freeing her in Mirror Gem and healing her in Ocean Gem, and by bonding with her in both episodes through open-hearted conversation, Steven earned her friendship. And an arc where Lapis finds the strength to open up to others benefits from our knowledge that she’s already capable of doing so, so that’s what Same Old World does. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and knowing this makes it even harder to watch when she stumbles, but all the more rewarding when she starts to come out of her shell around more people.

Lapis’s newfound exuberance is best conveyed by Aivi and Surasshu, who modify her theme (still my favorite) from its typically haunting or mystical tone to a breezy, adventurous anthem. Lapis began as a source of wonder for the audience, so it’s great to see her actually feel that wonder herself as she learns more about the planet that held her prisoner for so long. 

Steven’s narration gets funnier and funnier as they travel from the woods to Empire City to Jersey; even a show this sweet can’t help but make fun of New Jersey. While Empire City is a clear blend of New York and Paris, with a little Vegas thrown in judging by the town motto, and this universe has locations like Delmarva and Keystone and Aqua Mexico, I love that Jersey is just...Jersey.

Further signs that this is a setup episode are found in the Empire City segment, and not just because we go back there in Mr. Greg. We’ve already seen Peridot living it up in the barn, and soon enough she and Lapis will be roommates in the way Steven foreshadows here. But more importantly, he’s using the language of television, which Lapis might not understand now, but very soon will. 

Of course, an episode where Lapis is chipper throughout would be disingenuous, and boy does Same Old World deliver on the inevitable gut punch. We get one last moment of whimsy as the two head over the ocean, but the gleeful variant of her theme fades away as they encounter the Galaxy Warp.

Considering the way Pearl left Steven hanging in Rose’s Scabbard, there was a very real chance Lapis would drop him here as she has a minor panic attack, and the suspense allows us to feel all the weight of Lapis’s problems rushing back after a day of fun. It might not sound like a big deal, but this episode needs us to switch from happy and peaceful to antsy and pensive within seconds to keep the pacing solid, and it’s amazing that it does so without giving us even a hint of whiplash.

The return of Lapis’s hollow eyes is a nice touch, and leads us into a flashback that efficiently and stylishly shows us the depths of our hero’s misfortune. She wasn’t a Homeworld zealot but a noncombatant, and her cracking was a complete accident caused by a nameless, unidentifiable Gem. There’s no twist or big moment, simply a series of events outside of her control that built upon each other to ruin her life. This isn’t to say we don’t get lore—the Gem who poofed Lapis is our first glimpse at a bismuth, perhaps the Bismuth, and we see the Diamonds’ corruption attack with a quick taste of their theme—but the message here is that Lapis’s fate served no great purpose, and wasn’t even an intentional punishment. Sometimes life just kicks the shit out of you for no reason.

Lapis is clearly used to it at this point, shrugging off how horrible her life has been before she tries to leave at the beginning of the episode and rejecting Steven’s sweet offer to take a minute at the end of it. This isn’t to say she isn’t upset, but there’s a sense of acceptance that her life will continue to be miserable no matter what, which is why it’s so important that Steven doesn’t just tell her that she’s welcome on Earth, but that Earth is a place that allows change. He tells somebody who had no control for ages, then went on a power trip as soon as she had the opportunity to dominate somebody else, that she finally has the opportunity to make a healthy choice. And she takes it. 

Peridot obviously becomes a bigger factor in our next episode, but she’s established quite well in the first act so that her “surprise” appearance at the end feels earned; why would she have gone away in the day or so that Steven and Lapis went exploring? Lapis’s petulant reaction to sharing her new home with Peridot gives us one last bit of foreshadowing for her arc: her adjustment to Earth transforms her into an angsty teen.

I can imagine this characterization disappointed some people; certain fans are bound to insert their own concepts into a character as mysterious as Lapis, which of course makes any divergence from this headcanon a disappointment. But the idea that Lapis’s Daria Phase comes out of nowhere is baffling to me. Really, what better way to portray someone whose life feels like one crisis after another inflicted by forces beyond their control than as a teenager?

Lapis Lazuli rarely displays overt happiness after Same Old World, and will quickly develop a sardonic sense of humor that genuine playfulness occasionally escapes from. But it nonetheless sets the stage for her potential before Barn Mates wisely reminds us that her journey towards trusting others won’t be a walk in the park.

(And then we get a walk in the ballpark. Season 3 picks up quick once it gets rolling.)

Future Vision!

I already mentioned Empire City, Bismuth, and the Diamond Corruption, but it’s also quietly sweet to rewatch this episode after we learn Lapis actually held onto Steven’s leaf in Beta.

I hinted at it a little, but there are definitely echoes of Lapis’s story in Spinel’s, with the major difference being Lapis’s series of misfortunes versus Spinel’s single act of betrayal. Both endured thousands of years of solitude, both attack others on instinct as a result, and both are moved by Steven preaching the power of change.

If every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn’t have inconsistencies…

It’s weird that there’s never any follow-up on Lapis’s poofing, considering she starts hanging out with Bismuth after Change Your Mind. Even if it was a different bismuth, that’s still worth a joke or something.

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

Such a great Lapis episode. If it had a song it might be even higher up, but it still holds its own through great characterization, great music, and awesome setup for her new arc.

Top Fifteen

Steven and the Stevens

Mirror Gem

Lion 3: Straight to Video

Alone Together

The Return

Jailbreak

The Answer

Sworn to the Sword

Rose’s Scabbard

Coach Steven

Giant Woman

Winter Forecast

When It Rains

Catch and Release

Chille Tid

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon

Bubble Buddies

Tiger Millionaire

Lion 2: The Movie

Rose’s Room

An Indirect Kiss

Ocean Gem

Space Race

Garnet’s Universe

Warp Tour

The Test

Future Vision

On the Run

Maximum Capacity

Marble Madness

Political Power

Full Disclosure

Joy Ride

Keeping It Together

We Need to Talk

Cry for Help

Keystone Motel

Back to the Barn

Steven’s Birthday

It Could’ve Been Great

Message Received

Log Date 7 15 2

Same Old World

Like ‘em

Gem Glow

Frybo

Arcade Mania

So Many Birthdays

Lars and the Cool Kids

Onion Trade

Steven the Sword Fighter

Beach Party

Monster Buddies

Keep Beach City Weird

Watermelon Steven

The Message

Open Book

Story for Steven

Shirt Club

Love Letters

Reformed

Rising Tides, Crashing Tides

Onion Friend

Historical Friction

Friend Ship

Nightmare Hospital

Too Far

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack

Together Breakfast

Cat Fingers

Serious Steven

Steven’s Lion

Joking Victim

Secret Team

Say Uncle

Super Watermelon Island

Gem Drill

No Thanks!

     5. Horror Club      4. Fusion Cuisine      3. House Guest      2. Sadie’s Song      1. Island Adventure

[mermaidsirennikita]

Historical Fiction and Feminism/Internalized Misogyny

(This post contains spoilers for The Conqueror’s Saga, The White Princess, The White Queen HBO’s Rome, and Spartacus--sometimes in very vague ways, but I thought I’d be thorough.)

Recently, I’ve discussed feminism and historical fiction in the context of television on my blog—largely in terms of how NOT to do it, as seen on The White Princess.  Marketing historical fiction (or fantasy that resembles historical fiction) as feminist is big in this day and age.  Even if the word “feminism” isn’t thrown around, you see people talking about “strong female characters” and, essentially, women “overcoming obstacles” presented by cultures of the past.  The thing is—does a woman acting like a feminist in a historical setting make the work itself feminist?  Does her lack of feminist views, or even anti-feminist perspective make her a bad character?  

What prompts me to think about these things is not actually a TV show in particular, but a few reviews of a book series that I immensely enjoy, Kiersten White’s The Conqueror’s Saga. The Conqueror’s Saga—which I highly recommend—is technically alt-history.  It considers historical events, altered simply by turning a male historical figure—Vlad Tepes/Dracula—into a woman, in the form of series protagonist Lada.  Lada is literally Vlad, but in the form of a (heterosexual) woman.  She has a couple of sexual/romantic relationships with men, but they don’t at all dominate the series the way they often do with YA, and are viewed from a historical perspective in which Lada, despite her hunger for power, is intensely aware of the natural advantage men have over her. She wishes to rule Wallachia, but is tempered by the fact that she is a woman.  This seems like a “feminist” premise, at least in the shallow manner in which feminism has been presented to the typical reader by pop culture.

Lada—a character who has manipulated people for personal and political gain, murdered, betrayed—is critiqued in some of the reviews that provoked me to write this for her anti-feminist views.  In the first book, she doesn’t trust women who are a part of an Ottoman harem, in part because they use sex as currency and are intensely sexual and feminine in a way that she is not.  While very aware of her own sexuality and femininity, Lada struggles with it and at times seems to hate it—in the second book, she seems to come to the conclusion that more than a man or a woman, she wants to be a soldier.  And the reason why she hates her feminine body is that it makes it difficult for to be a soldier in medieval Europe.  She also resents her mother, an abused woman, for not protecting her children, not defending herself.  This is victim-blaming, likely with a dose of Lada’s own trauma informing it.

More controversial, of course, is Lada’s apparent inner victim-blaming of a group of women raped and impregnated by (essentially) their overlords.  She wonders why they didn’t fight back, why they submitted, so on. As far as the narrative goes, I personally don’t feel like it validated Lada’s feelings.  In fact, when she first inwardly critiqued the Ottoman women, they turned out to be cunning political animals, and she eventually comes to acknowledge their strengths with regards to manipulation.  One of the women who was raped and impregnated becomes a supporting character and friend to Lada, and she comes to—in a sense—admire her own means of manipulation and politicking.  It’s soft power versus Lada’s desired hard power.  So—is a work of historical fiction anti-feminist because a female character expresses anti-feminist views?  

I’ll compare this to The White Princess, a show which was heavily marketed as “feminist”. Elizabeth Woodville is seen alluding to the idea that women were the true powers behind the throne in medieval England (a fact that is categorically untrue, even if some women did have influence over medieval politics).  Woodville, and her house, the Yorks, are promoted as the heroes against Margaret Beaufort.  Margaret is crafted as a foil to Woodville—she refers to her daughter-in-law’s primary function of providing a male heir for her husband.  She condemns her daughter-in-law’s sexuality.  She is Bad. Elizabeth Woodville is Good (and a witch, because witchcraft = feminism).  The series ends on Elizabeth of York becoming a puppet master for her husband, something that didn’t happen.

The fact is that while it’s nice to see a woman talking up girl power in historical fiction, it’s often anachronistic.  And in the case of The White Princess, the narrative ends up pitting women against each other—one side is for grrrl power in a very shallow way (ultimately in the service of propping up a male York heir, but whatever) and the other representing a lack of sexual freedom, “the man putting the woman down”.  And once Elizabeth Woodville is out of the picture, that whole rivalry is sort of confusing and goes every which way and it’s just… a bad show for many reasons, to be honest.  But its faux feminism is the icing on the cake.

There have absolutely been strong women who did hold both soft and hard power in times past.  But they were still affected by the patriarchal societies in which they lived.  Isabel of Castile fought for her right to the throne and gained it—but she still wasn’t satisfied to leave the throne to her firstborn daughter, and ensured the birth of a male heir for herself and her husband.  She raised her daughters not be rulers, but wives.  Hurrem Sultan held immense power as the wife of Suleiman the Magnificent, but she got there by arguably undermining other women, and playing a game set up by men.  Anne Boleyn became Henry VIII’s wife and is often portrayed as a woman who was “feminist” because of the power she (temporarily) held over her husband.  But she was chosen by him; she was chased by him; and she got her crown after he took it from another woman.

It's great to see women supporting each other and loving one another in historical settings. We should see female friendships.  We should see mothers loving their daughters.  The White Princess, for all its claims of feminism, was all about pitting women against each other.  But there’s a difference between that narrative, I think, and one in which a woman experiences the effects of her own internalized misogyny, as Lada does in The Conqueror’s Saga.  She hates feminine things because she’s been raised to feel lesser because of her own femininity—this does not make her an anti-feminist character, in my perspective. Nor does it make her story anti-feminist.  It makes her a character with accurate viewpoints about her own sex, hammered into her mind by men.  When she realizes that feminine women are making things happen through their own means, that is a form of reconciliation that feels real to me.  It’s certainly “realer” than silly, anachronistic platitudes about women being badass queens.

Another good example of women being strong characters in historical figures while also dealing with internalized misogyny would be the female characters of Rome.  Two of the main female characters, Atia and Servilia, are set up as rivals.  They are rivals in relation to their roles as rich Roman matrons, and the fact that they are connected to rival men (Atia through her uncle and son, Servilia through her son) only intensifies their hatred for each other.  They call each other whores and bitches, they deride and hate other women.  But does this make them bad women, a part of a woman-hating narrative—or are they simply products of their environments, and accurately portrayed as such?  For that matter, does the fact that Servilia and Atia hate each other diminish the value of their relationship as one of the most prominent and important on the show?  I could question the same of two women on another show set in Ancient Rome, Lucretia and Ilithyia of Spartacus.  (I’m not saying that these characters are feminists at all, by the way--they are not.)  They hate—and sometimes love—each other.  They constantly fight one another.  But their relationship is rich and complex, and the fact that they treat each other badly, and for that matter other women badly, doesn’t mean that this relationship is invalid or a product of an anti-feminist narrative.

Now, I’m not saying that all of these works of fiction are strictly feminist.  Many of them feature male protagonists prominently, and the woman’s journey might not be “point” of the show the way it is on a show like Harlots. (In which almost every prominent character is a woman, the focus of the plot is a profession dominated by women, and women are often quite nasty and misogynistic to each other.)  But it’s important to see women of historical fiction have rich relationships with one another, negative and positive.  It’s important, to me, to see them express at least somewhat-accurate ideas about their own genders.  Otherwise, we get into the routine of some women having more “feminist” attitudes than others, and them being “better” and more “enlightened”.  A woman isn’t a bad person because she comes from a culture that doesn’t adhere to contemporary (popular) western feminism and doesn’t, herself, adhere to the principles of contemporary (popular) western feminism.  The idea of the good, feminist women being better than a woman who really (in regards to historical fiction) not have any concepts of 21st century feminism isn’t feminist at all.

If we forget or wash over the environments to which women had to adapt, the environments they dealt with on the daily, the environments that likely inspired self-hatred in many… We forget our own history.  It’s not fun to see a character like Lada, who I really love, look down on women.  It’s certainly not fun to see a character like Atia who is so entertaining be extremely misogynistic; she’s outright evil to many other women, including her own daughter.  But then, I want to see female characters who are allowed to be as rich, as good or as evil, as male characters.  Who don’t have to shy away from depravity to conform to male expectations of the feminine character.  Women have existed in a largely patriarchal world as good and evil people throughout history, and I want to see that.

[seansaboutacity]

#1 collaboration - Ash

(A photo of Ash Layo)

You’re probably wondering, reading this, what’s going on.

As the first post of this kind, let me explain.

So as part of the About A City (AAC) project, I’m going to collaborate with my close friends and fellow creatives to explore the AAC’s themes. It’ll be a great way to shine a light on different perspectives, and explore poetry’s potential to illuminate things previously left unsaid or invisible.

In this first post, I have the great honour of collaborating with Ashley Layo Masing (or just Ash for short). I met Ash in my second year this year and even though we’ve known each other for a short while I feel like I’ve really got to know him through our shared background being both queer and Asian, and also our shared interests in the creative arts and social science.

The way this post is going to work (as with future posts) is that I present the two poems each written by one of us. We then lead onto comments about the poems, and then to more general discussion about the project’s themes and why poetry and the arts is so important in today’s society.

So without further ado, here goes our poems (Ash’s first):

A rainy day in London Town

It’s a rainy day in London Town, and my lover is in the choir room singing the harmony line to my  serenade. He holds a note for  as long as he held his breath when  a storm once forced his head under the pressure of the river Thames - I’m reminded of the spectres of my trauma walking past Russel square: a man who held the traditions of  manhood as high as his fear passes his duty when he abuses the way I hold my lover’s hand.

The echoes in the choir room switches from his sweet serenade to a quiet sob, and his throat becomes haunted by the legacy of some broken body. I meditate in his sadness while I recite an incantation from an unwritten journal. It’s a rainy day in London Town and it houses a refugee of tradition - I’m hiding  underneath her paper umbrella.

Comments

I first read this and thought it was really moving. What inspired you to write this piece?

As I started brainstorming ideas for this poem I started thinking about that vine with that annoying guy singing about rain in London and the TV show Glee, and boom, the first two lines were born. Then as I started writing it, I thought about my melancholic relationship to London and the hardships I faced being in what I thought was the city of my dreams. I was reminded of the horrendous act of homophobic violence that occured on a bus not too long ago as well as the instances of homophobia I personally faced and pretended to be okay with. And so this poem is a kind of ode to that part of my life, I acknowledge it but I don’t give it any power.

You use a lot of imagery about London, like Russell Square and the Thames. How important do you think that is in telling the story?

I think it’s interesting to explore human geography in poetry because it allows us to really imagine a sense of space in writing, allowing us to really breakdown (in our minds of course) the boundaries of time and space and be with the author’s experience.

I’m interested in the juxtaposition of love with violence, usually associated as its opposite. What effect did you want with that?

Sadly, that’s oftentimes the reality of love, it’s never smooth sailing. Romance isn’t what you see in movies, it’s hard work and it’s filled with adversity, especially so if you’re a sexual minority. It’s sad but it’s the truth about being in a non-heteronormative relationship, and we’re not going to be able to start any reparative work if we cannot acknowledge that.

The poem is narrated in first person and talks about (presumedly) his lover. But there’s also a sense that he’s lonely as he ‘meditates’ and ‘hides’. What do you mean by this?

I guess i’m trying to create an image of space and distance that comes with relationships. You’re not conjoined to another person when you love them, you still retain a part of yourself. It’s important to recognise the agency and personhood that still exists between people who are committed to one another

two boys, clinging

city in his eyes pavement in his stride he talks and burns with a little fire

something about feminist theory - I can't remember just his anger brimming like coal as we walk to the station at Oval

it sticks out in my head - I don't know why how the lazy London breeze rustled leaves on the street or it was seeing the Shard on the top deck of the bus jutting out like a sore thumb

it felt a bit like London - nothing really belongs people come and go like Heathrow

but as the sun goes down and he looks at me with false hope that I won't have to - I realise I don't want to go home

so frozen in time we remain to memory to past to dust two boys, clinging

Comments

So first of all, what was the main inspiration for this piece?

The piece was based off a real life personal experience I had walking with a friend in London. He’s an exchange student from Melbourne, and so I really wanted to take his perspective in the story of the poem because I wanted to see London through maybe an outsider’s eyes (being Australian/foreign). I also think the memory itself was poignant for me because I created a close friendship with him really quickly and feels a bit cut off now that he’s returned to Melbourne to study after his exchange.

You use a lot of interesting imagery, with the most significant being references to London - how key is London as a backdrop to the themes of your poem?

I could say that London is very significant as a backdrop to the themes of my poem - but that wouldn’t be completely honest, and that wouldn’t completely capture how I use geography or setting in a poem.

Personally, I don’t notice setting until something ‘dislocates’ me from it. Not to say a ‘real’ or ‘objective’ version of a setting could ever exist, but it’s interesting how our emotions help to construct the meaning of places for us through our memories, associations and who we shared them with.

So more specifically about London, I don’t think London exists, except in the imagination of people who live and study in London - in their hopes, dreams and aspirations for the future.

My experience in London has felt almost like absorption - I’ve grown up, been educated and studied in London all my life from childhood now into adulthood. But equally, my identity as a Londoner has sometimes been challenged - people can’t quite place my accent, and I definitely don’t have the same cultural tastes as people who grew up with me.

So that’s shaped how I use London in these poems in two ways: firstly, I’ve tried to understand London as a character in itself, helping to formulate desires that we didn’t know we had, like for place or belonging. But I also use London as something transitional, in process, that exists temporarily in people’s imagination but always bends towards the future, of something beyond.

And simply put, maybe it’s easier to think that all the weird, jumbled-up, tangled mess of experiences I’ve had happened in the same bubble of London. That’s one way of making sense where I’ve come from in life.

“he talks and burns with a little fire / something about feminist theory - I can't remember”

These are interesting lines that really stood out, how does this develop the subject of the poem?

I think I use philosophical or intellectual discussion to indicate tension. To me, philosophy and psychology are the same because they both ask questions about the meaning and existence of things. I prompt the reader to think about moments when they thought deeply about something - but took so much pleasure in it with someone else, that the idea took on a new life with an immanent, transcendental quality to it.

I think about moments where I’ve had deep conversations with people I really care about. Everything seems to melt away at that point, and it doesn’t matter what that other person says, you just want them to know that you’re there for them and you understand them - intrinsically, not for how clever they sound. It means that you don’t need to constantly appeal for someone’s approval or flattery, but to feel safe being who you are.

General discussion

Sean asking questions for Ash:

One theme I explore in my poems is solitude, which for me is part of the existential condition of human nature. What are your thoughts on solitude and aloneness? Is it something we need to be afraid of? Or learn to accept and overcome?

Like Agustus Waters in ‘The Fault in Our Stars’ I fear oblivion, and as much as I hated him and that book, he had a point that resonated with me. Western, capital ‘L’ Liberal, society emphasises this need to be this individual who will be this great person that will leave a lasting impact on the greater scheme of things, and that has really affected the way we relate to one another and the trajectory of our lives. Sometimes for the worse, sometimes for the better. I’ve spent so much time thinking about my individual success and the lasting impact I can make on our culture that I forget about the little things - caring about things beyond just us. Loneliness, for me, is a symptom of this perceived existential failure we might have when we think we’ve done nothing great in life and will eventually fade away into oblivion. But once we focus on the things we love and the people who love us, we can find alternative routes to overcoming loneliness.

Following on from the previous question, is the importance of friends. What conflict do you think arises from the need to be alone but the need to stay socially connected? How can that be managed?

A friend of mine once told me that everything in life is transient. Sometimes people come and go and we need to accept that. But if you care enough about a person, no matter how distant you’ve become, emotional and physically, reuniting with them will feel like no time has passed whatsoever. Sometimes it’s a matter of putting in the hard work to maintain the relationship. Other times, it’s just there.

My poems also talk a lot about desire as its core theme, related with themes of sexuality, erotic desire and love. What do you think of the importance of desire? How do you personally connect with the theme?

I think desire and passion can be sexy. Not just intimate desire, but desire in general. It shows that you care about something, and oftentimes that something is beyond your own needs. And to put someone else or something else before you, so much so that you would do anything to pursue its happiness is a trait that we should all be embracing, especially given the state of our politics.

I approach poems as a practice of remembering/forgetting - we choose to remember the memories we want to and express them openly. How do you personally use poetry? 

I use it as a form of ‘emotional essay writing’, as a way to express my ideas when prose is not enough. There’s something powerful and evocative about writing in metaphor, it can really help someone understand your point of view and perspective of the world. I guess you can say that poetry carries ethnographic value.

I’m worried in today’s society we don’t express ourselves fully and openly as we ought to, and it correlates with a wider depreciation of the arts and creative writing in general. What do you think about this?

I think that due to the need to generate capital and profit, we’re becoming estranged from the things that make us human. Today, art and culture is only valuable to the extent that it can be fetishished (in the Marxist sense of course). Creating and indulging in lowbrow culture could be a potential form of praxis. But that could also fall into the trap of class-based appropriation; I mean we’re already seeing rich ppl spend ridiculous amounts of money to appear working class because it looks cool. If you wanted to look cool you would redistribute your wealth, just saying. Anyways, art and culture should be appreciated for what it is and not what it can be valued. I guess revolution might be the only way to ensure that my dude.

Ash asking questions for Sean

Starting with a basic question, what impact are you hoping to achieve with your poetry?

I want my poetry to make a connection. It could be a connection with the personal meaning in the poem. It could be a social connection, to make people think, talk and act differently.

I think it’s exciting because it’s the first time I’ve really done something like this. I think I just want to throw a pebble into the water - and watch where the ripples go.

I use my poetry as a form of ‘emotional essay writing’ so to speak; as social scientists I believe we can stand to benefit from poetry as a sort of window into our culture, do you think poetry has a stake in changing the way we discuss the pressing issues we face today?

That’s a challenging question.

Because what even is social science? I mean, is Social Anthropology really a social science? I think it is - but it’s the most humanities of the social sciences. We’re really special as a subject because we draw from literary theory and cultural theory to ask deep questions about what it means to be human from alternative perspectives. 

As a result, I’m interested in the literary theory of Anthropology - of societies as texts, a la Clifford Geertz. I think the whole point of Anthropology is to understand that things can be different - and only then can you start using those differences to challenge the current status quo.

So then poetry can make a social difference. Poetry starts off for me as something very intimate and personal - I can’t lie when I write poetry, I feel like each poem is a bit of my soul, has a bit of my truth in it.

But each poem then walks along this Mobius strip of change, where meaning shifts into something different. I make sure to encourage this change myself, to make meanings outwards-bound and move towards the social exterior of the individual - I think Rilke said once that when you write constantly about sex in your poems, that’s when poetry goes to die. Because you lose what’s at stake in poetry - how often language captures a certain alterity from what’s material or tangible.

I’m going to keep pushing in my poetry for that idea of alterity, and difference, and immanence. All of those things characterise the social world for me - how the meanings we interpret from it are contingent on a sub-text which has been pre-scripted for us, but doesn’t need to completely determine how we play with them if we embrace a playful, crafty attitude.

I’m fond of the Mobius strip idea in general. If you like something, just do it. You’ll find a way to justify yourself in a narrative later. If you really want to change society all along, you’ll find a way for poetry to do that.

[readatmidnight]

It’s been a while since my last update since most of April and May left me with very little time for blogging. I just wanted to do a quick catch up on what I’ve been reading and what I plan to read in the coming month.

What I’ve Read

Almost 100% of the reading I’ve done in the past two months have been done via audiobook. Bless them for enabling me to finish all these novels while I completed my chores or during my morning commute, I would have fell into a book slump without them. I know at the beginning of the year I said I would cancel my Scribd account, but since I read so much via audio now, the set up is working great for me.

These aren’t even in chronological reading order because I am a Mess.

Daisy Jones and The Six by Taylor Jenkins Reid ★★★★☆ This novel is best enjoyed via audiobook, sorry I don’t make the rules. TJR has a way of making her characters feel so raw and real, if I didn’t know any better I would have been searching for the discography of Daisy Jones & The Six after completing this novel. Epistolary novels don’t always work for me (see: Illuminae), because I sometimes find it hard to connect to the story. 100% not the case here, and I loved how utterly flawed everyone was allowed to be. To tell the truth, I didn’t like most of them, but they sure captured my imagination.

The Dragon Republic by R. F. Kuang ★★★★ HELLO IS ANYONE SURPRISED I AM COMPLETE TRASH FOR THIS BOOK. NO? OK. Ahem. With complete objectivity, this book was a stunning follow-up to The Poppy War. It’s more introspective, it deals with PTSD, it brings in all of the threads that complicates and muddies the war Rin is waging on Nikara and with herself. The ending left me literally reeling and screaming in random DMs for weeks. I still have not completely stopped and I fear I will never be coherent again. Give me book three or give me death.

Magic for Liars by Sarah Gailey ★★★★☆ I finished this book about two hours ago and edited the post to include it. Although it contained the familiar tropes like a magical school, a jaded private detective, a dark prophecy, a hidden world of mages, a murder mystery – Magic for Liars combined them in a way that kept the plot fresh and engaging. Imagine if Aunt Petunia never married Vernon Dursley but instead became a private investigator – who’s then called back to Hogwarts to unravel a murder, with Lily as one of the professors on tenure. Except better, because the character work in this book is freaking top notch. Just go read it OK, this is the gay and messy magical school we all deserve.

The Devouring Gray by Christine Lynn Herman ★★★★☆ Billed as The Raven Cycle meets Stranger Things, this is one of those rare instances where the book matches the comp perfectly. While I found the pacing to be slow, I thought it suited this character-driven story. It’s all about families and legacies and finding your own paths despite the weight of all that history. I adored all of the characters, especially Harper – my sworld-wielding warrior queen. I cannot wait to see the sequel and watching how entangled relationships will develop.

Wicked Saints by Emily A. Duncan ★★☆☆☆ I love the idea of hate-to-love, especially with a villain love-interest, so that’s what initially drew me to this book. When I learned that the heroine could converse with the gods, I got even more excited. Alas, it was a bit of a missed opportunity. I saw shadows of a fanfic-worthy broody bad boy in every scene with Malachiasz. I can understand insta-attraction, what I can’t understand is how poorly the character and relationship development was done. The stars are wholly reserved for Serefin, my drunken drama-queen and the only part of this novel I enjoyed.

We Hunt The Flame by Hafsah Faizal ★★★☆☆ I expected this to be a five star read, so while it was good, I am disappointed I didn’t love it more. The prose were gorgeous and I am definitely checking out whatever Hafsah Faizal writes next. However, the writing style’s penchant for beautiful metaphors sometimes felt jarring with the pacing of the book. While I liked the characters indivdually, I didn’t feel compelled by any relationships aside from the one shared between Altair and Nasir in the beginning. I’m definitely in the minority with my lukewarm response to this title, though – there are tons of fans so don’t be put off by my review.

Verity by Colleen Hoover ★☆☆☆☆ The sole star is for the fact that while the plot of this book was so improbable it veered into farcical, it was a page-turner. Toxic relationships is the bread-and-butter of crime, but there was something particularly tasteless about the way adultery and marriage was depicted in this book. Partly due to the casual nonchalance that CoHo tends to dismiss cheating, but also because even with my few remaining brain cells I could still figure out the plot was BS. The way disability was handled in this novel also left a lot to be desired, and the ‘twist’ at the end disappointed me so much I wanted to hurl this book into the sun. This was 7 hours of my good life wasted.

The Bride Test ★★★★★ I cannot remain calm or objective about Helen’s books, I love them completely – because they’re unabashedly Vietnamese, because they’re proudly diasporic, because they’re filled with characters who feel so real I’m mildly miffed we’re not invited to their weddings. Khai and Esme slowly but surely stole my heart over a course of a long haul international flight. I laughed and cried and went through all of the emotions of first love. Along with its powerful emotional resonance, The Bride Test also offered sharp societal critique on the accessibility of the American Dream. These books are so special to me and I am so glad we have more Helen content to look forward to for years to come.

Ruse ★★★★☆ This is the second and final instalment to Cindy Pon’s high-octane and prescient eco-dystopia – if you haven’t read Want, go visit your local bookshop right now and change this immediately. The bar is raised with Ruse, from the character development, the scope of the world, and the ever heightened stake. I loved seeing the gang again, even though Cindy did not pull any punches when it came to making my children suffer. It was such a satisfying and well-earned conclusion.

Wilder Girls ★★★★☆ Whew, this book was harrowing and intense. It felt dangerous and unknowable, with the plot constantly shifting right under my feet – just as the physical world in the book warps and distorts everything from plants to landscape to school-girls. I read it in a rush over two days because I could not put it down. If you’re after a novel with ride-or-die friendship and sapphic romance, this is one to keep an eye out for.

Red, White, and Royal Blue ★★★★★ I am completely bereft that Alex Claremont-Diaz and Prince Henry of Wales are not real people – for these two I would take up reading gossip magazines again. This book was rambunctious and as irrepressible as the passion that drives its main characters. The supporting cast are equally impressive, and I love the chemistry imbued into the various relationships in this novel. I can’t remember the last time I rooted so hard for fictional characters to overcome and triumph. Although we can’t have Claremont 2020, can we please please please get a Jude and Nora spin-off instead?

Looks like romance is my new favourite genre, judging by my latest two five star reads. Please give me all the recs, but no mayo toxic romance please. I feel like whenever I stray from the usual diet of speculative fiction, I become very picky in which books I read – which tends to mean that I end up loving the ones I do pick up.

What I’m Reading

I usually have numerous books on the go because I have no self-control. I have two going at the moment, but this number will undoubtedly multiply before I have the chance to publish this post.

Foundryside by Robert Jackson Bennet – I am about 5 hours into the audiobook and I am already completely charmed by this world and its characters! The rogue-archetype has always been one of my favourite fantasy trope, and to make it even better Santia comes with a snarky talking key. The world building is a marvel, especially the magic system and how it is manipulated by the characters and governing bodies within the novel. I also heard there is a budding sapphic romance in this one – I think I just met the love interest and I already love her as well. Very excited to continue on!

On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong – I am three chapters into this novel and it’s already taken my very soul apart. Written by a Vietnamese-American son for his illiterate mother, it’s part-meditation and part-confessional on PTSD, inherited trauma, and how a you learn to communicate with a mother-tongue you can barely speak. I am ready for it completely wreck me.

I forgot that I am technically still reading The Priory of the Orange Tree but I am so exhausted with this brick at this point in time, I’m not sure I will ever finish it. The world building (West and East dragon mythology), and the characters (sapphic Queens and her bodyguard) had so much potential – but I kept feeling like an emotional weight was missing.

What I’m Planning to Read

I am an expert is making up TBR and then not sticking to them. So to save myself the embarrassment here’s two I am definitely reading this month, the rest is c’est la vie.

Sorcery of Thorns by Margaret Rogerson I know y’all keep saying that Enchantment of Ravens is lame because it has no plot but I loved Rook and Isobel with all my heart OK. I know nothing about this one except that it has a librarian babe (maybe?). Therefore, I am very excited.

Spin the Dawn by Elizabeth Lim This is part of the Caffeine Book Tours that Shealea organised (thank you!!). This is one of my most anticipated read of this year because fashion and East Asian fantasy? Relevant to my interest. I think we can all agree that this is the best cover of 2019. I want this illustrator to draw my life.

What are you reading and what are you all up to? I miss you!! Hope you’re going to have an amazing month and Happy Pride everyone!!

June Reading Updates It's been a while since my last update since most of April and May left me with very little time for blogging.

[moiraineswife]

We Need To Talk About Mor

This has been coming for...some time but I finally lost the final scrap of chill I was pretending to have on this subject and now here we are. I haven’t even started but I have no regrets about this meta. 

We need to talk about this woman because she’s one of the most selfless, compassionate, supportive, inspirational characters in this series and I’m, frankly, sick to death of the hate she attracts which, 99 times out of a 100 comes from misreading canon. 

We need to talk about how she supported Rhys, alone, for three months. She was the only one who fully knew what he was dealing with. She was the only one that he confided in about his mate - the mate who was trapped in the Spring Court in love with someone who wasn’t him. Cassian and Azriel didn’t know until well after Feyre was staying with them, Amren, it’s fairly canon, noticed at that first dinner at the House of Wind. 

“I landed at the Night Court, right as Mor was waiting for me, and I was so frantic, so … unhinged, that I told her everything. I hadn’t seen her in fifty years, and my first words to her were, ‘She’s my mate.’” 

Mor was waiting for her cousin, the only blood family she has left that I imagine she wants anything to do with, waiting for him after probably thinking she would never see him again...And this is the first thing that he says to her. And she was waiting there for him and just let him do and say all of this despite what she was going through and then continued to be there for him through those three months and after Feyre arrived as well: 

“Don’t get me started on what you did to me Under the Mountain.”Rhys went still.As still as I’d ever seen him, as still as the death now beckoning in those eyes. Then his chest began to move, faster and faster.Across the pillars towering behind him, I could have sworn the shadow of great wings spread. He opened his mouth, leaning forward, and then stopped. Instantly, the shadows, the ragged breathing, the intensity were gone, the lazy grin returning. “We have company. We’ll discuss this later.”

Mor’s timing here is about as coincidental as Rhys turning up at Feyre’s wedding just as she starts having a panic attack and begging for someone to help her - ie it’s not coincidental in the slightest. Rhys and Feyre start fighting, Rhys starts panicking and Mor arrives to break things up and help Rhys, protect him. (she’s also there for him when he arrives with Feyre the night before) and she does this despite Rhys’s dismissiveness about it. 

And as my only remaining relative,” Rhys went on, “Mor believes she is entitled to breeze in and out of my life as she sees fit.”

Mor is probably terrified of losing him again. Remember she spent fifty years without him, likely believing she would never see him again and being completely and utterly unable to do anything to save him because of a decision that he made. Yet she warmly embraces Feyre, helps her, tries to make her and Rhys’s relationship as smooth as possible, tries to help Rhys despite how he brushes her off. She’s there for him. The same way she’s there for Azriel and Cassian it’s quiet and it’s subtle and it’s not as starkly in your face as say Rhys’s interactions with Feyre but she is there, she puts everything on hold to be there when her family needs her. Every. Single. Time. 

We need to talk about how much people dismiss Mor’s trauma and upbringing. They mention the incident sometimes, the part where she was brutalised by her own family, where her own father nailed a note to his daughter’s stomach that said she was now ‘someone else’s problem’ and in the same breath it’s said ‘it was 500 years ago!!!’ but then...they talk about how it still affects Cassian. But not Mor. She’s over it. Clearly. 

Fandom talks about how Cassian being left to fend for himself as a bastard affects him still, they talk about the cruelty of Azriel’s brothers and what that did do him, they talk about how the murder of Rhys’s mother and sister affects him, affects all three of them. Somehow they skate over Mor, the seventeen years of emotional abuse and neglect that she endured, the trauma of what happened to her because she dared to make a choice about claiming her own independence and freedom. Somehow we manage to be utterly unable to reconcile that trauma with her current personality and very understandable flaws because it’s so much easier to just see her as an object to hate because she isn’t perfect and doesn’t behave the way we expect women to. 

“I once lived in a place where the opinion of others mattered. It suffocated me, nearly broke me. So you’ll understand me, Feyre, when I say that I know what you feel, and I know what they tried to do to you, and that with enough courage, you can say to hell with a reputation.” Her voice gentled, and the tension between them all faded with it. “You do what you love, what you need.”

Mor endured what Feyre did at the Spring Court for those months following what happened Under the Mountain for seventeen years. Except that her abuse was at the hands of her family and was done for far more sinister reasons. She was kept in a cage, was restricted, was smothered by everyone around her, stripping her freedom and agency from her not as some guise of protection or love but because she needed to be kept ‘pure’ so that they could sell her to some sadistic male and have her breed for him.  

We saw the effects that Tamlin’s abuse of Feyre had on her over the course of only a few months and it’s an excellent commentary on the insidious nature of abuse and what it does to a person even after they’ve left. Mor endured 17 years of this as a child, from the day she was born and yet this is something that we don’t talk about. Why? Largely because it’s perhaps not as visible as the scars the others bare because she had the courage to overcome it, to find herself and let that self be light and warm and happy and loving. 

That doesn’t mean she isn’t still suffering, that doesn’t mean she isn’t still affected by what happened to her. She makes a choice, a conscious choice to fight against that, this does not mean she is better, it doesn’t mean she is not still affected, it means she made the choice to see herself as a survivor and to fight for that every day. 

“There are good days and hard days for me—even now. Don’t let the hard days win.”

Mor still suffers for what she’s been through. Mor still reacts badly to returning to the Court of Nightmares ([Mor had] left after dinner, pale-faced and jumpy) she openly tells Feyre that seeing her parents, her abusers, still leaves her feeling raw. There are still hard days for her, ‘even now’, even 500 years later because trauma does not have an expiry date. The only difference is in how she chooses to respond to them, how she refuses to let them beat her any more. 

“I want them to hear your story. And know that there is a special strength … ” As I spoke I realized I needed to hear it, know it, too. “A special strength in enduring such dark trials and hardships … And still remaining warm, and kind. Still willing to trust—and reach out.”

This series deals incredibly poignantly and incredibly well with many different types of abuse - Rhys’s rape and imprisonment at the hands of Amarantha is one such example, the emotional abuse Feyre suffers through her romantic relationship with Tamlin, the emotional and likely physical abuse that Lucien suffers with his friendship with Tamlin, Azriel’s past childhood abuse and trauma at the hands of his step-mother and brothers are all very much present in the story. All of these people, particularly the first three where the abuse is occurring/has occurred within the timeline of canon are suffering for what they’ve endured, are mentally and emotionally scarred by their experiences. Which is why Mor’s character and arc is so important. 

She is, throughout this series, a shining example of the survivor. And I love the stereotypes that are being broken here when it comes to abuse survivors, particularly female ones. Because what generally tends to happen is that the character is shown to be cold, withdrawn, unwilling to trust, unwilling to love anyone else, harsh and sharp and then the ‘reason’ for this behaviour is shown to be an abusive, traumatic past. And yes, this likely does happen with survivors, it’s a natural response but the character of Mor becomes even more important because she very firmly states that this is not how you have to be. 

Mor has been through an incredible amount of trauma and abuse and would have every right to reject people, to refuse to trust, to refuse to reach out to a broken, shattered young girl suffering from exactly the same thing she had. She doesn’t. And it’s an incredibly powerful and important statement that she doesn’t. Mor is arguably the warmest, kindest and lightest character in this series and to say that this is something that can come in spite of, and perhaps because of, all that she has endured and the choices that has led her to make is something that can’t be overstated or talked about enough.  

 I clung to her, trying to breathe, to think. “You’re free,” Mor said tightly. “You’re free.” Not safe. Not protected. Free. She carried me beyond the garden, into the fields, up a hill, down it, and into—into a cave— I must have started bucking and thrashing in her arms, because she said, “You’re out; you’re free,” again and again and again as true darkness swallowed us.

 It’s no accident that Mor, not Rhys, the love interest, her mate, is the one to take her out of the Spring Court. It would have been so easy to have this be another ‘knight in shining armour’ moment where the dashing prince saves the distraught heroine but this is very patently not that, very deliberately so. Mor, the survivor, the one who is likely reliving her own trauma as she does this, is the one to save Feyre here. She is the one to tell her that she got out. She is the one to tell her that she is free (and in doing so it emphasises her own freedom, her own independence, her own escape) 

Rhys as Feyre’s mate, as someone suffering through what she is at the same time, as struggling to overcome a very similar darkness helps her heal, yes. They understand one another and relate to one another and one another’s traumas and experiences and that is so important. But so is Mor. Mor is important for this moment, as she tells Feyre that she is free now. Important when Feyre realises Mor will never try to influence her, will only tell her to be nothing but herself and to own that. Important because she is open with what happened to her, she tells Feyre everything, tells her how it affected her, how it still affects her and normalises this, the sharing, the trust, the ability to speak about these things because it is possible to master them. Important when she tells her that, for all her lightness, for all her healing, for all that she is better now there are still hard days, there always will be, and that’s okay. 

I want to talk to, about Mor and Cassian’s relationship, because I enjoy it a lot and I think people...twist it to call out something that...isn’t really there. Because people say that Cass is still suffering for the Incident that happened all those years ago that took place after he and Mor slept together, that he still feels guilty and that his buffering of Mor and Azriel is him sacrificing himself in order to atone for his past mistakes. If that was all happening and if it was all condoned by the rest of the circle/encouraged by them then I’d agree that there’s a point to be made there. Fact is it’s not happening, Mor’s response to what Cassian did all those years ago...is gratitude. 

“Cassian helped Rhys get me out. Before either had the real rank to do so. For Rhys, getting caught would have been a mild punishment, perhaps a bit of social shunning. But Cassian … he risked everything to make sure I stayed out of that court. And he laughs about it, but he believes he’s a low-born bastard, not worthy of his rank or life here. He has no idea that he’s worth more than any other male I met in that court—and outside of it. Him and Azriel, that is.”

There’s just...So much in here. Firstly the fact that Mor was forced to return to the Court of Nightmares after what happened to her. I can’t...even begin to imagine what that must have been like. It would have been like Amarantha being brought back from the dead and Rhys being told he had to return Under the Mountain to live with her again. Mor’s family brutalise her, torture her, nail a note to her body saying she’s now ‘someone else’s problem’ dump her in the Autumn Court to leave her to the whims of a sadist who abandons her for dead because she’s not even worth the time it would take to finish off, clearly. By some miracle she survives all of this and then her father has the audacity to demand her back so that she ends up in the Court of Nightmares all over again. This is...something I wish we talked about more tbh but I got sidetracked, we were discussing Cassian. 

Mor is fully aware of what Cassian has done for her. And at absolutely no point here, or anywhere else in the text, does she ever imply that he should go to these lengths for her, that it’s only right, that he created this mess so he damn well better clean it up. There’s actually a distinct tone of...something close to awe in this passage, that he would do this for her, that he would risk everything for her to help her, to keep her out of that court. Because the abuse that Mor suffered there was normalised for her? This is just...what these people did, how they lived, how they treated people, this was normal. It must have taken a hell of a lot of unlearning for her to process that that was not okay so if Mor 500 years later with all of that experience reacted this way, with utter disbelief that Cass would risk so much for her, I’m thinking that 17 year old Mor was even more overwhelmed by this kindness. 

Mor does not blame Cassian for what happened, Mor has never encouraged Cassian’s guilt or doubts about himself. In fact she flat out rejects each and every single one of them. ‘And he laughs about it, but he believes he’s a low-born bastard, not worthy of his rank or life here. He has no idea that he’s worth more than any other male I met in that court—and outside of it.’ This is what Mor thinks of Cassian, this is specifically what Mor thinks of Cassian in relation to what took place between them all those years ago. There is no blame here, there is no encouragement of guilt or atonement, there is no ‘mistreatment’ Mor flat out rejects Cassian’s flippancy and self-depreciation. As far as she is concerned he is ‘worth more than any other male’ she has ever met. This isn’t the mark of someone who doesn’t appreciate or fully value her friend. This isn’t the attitude of someone who is reinforcing Cassian’s guilt for their own ends. This is someone who truly and deeply loves another person with every inch of themselves and wants the best for them. 

I think one of the reasons that the Inner Circle is so closely bound together is that, in each of these other people, this was the first time they had ever been shown true love and loyalty. Cassian, an unwanted bastard child was taken in by Rhys’s family, shown care and compassion. He is valued by Rhys as his army commander, given a place of honour in the running of his court and is surrounded by people he knows he would die for and who would die for him in turn. Similar for Azriel, as a bastard horrifically abused by his brothers and step-mother the circle accepts him, loves him unconditionally and wants him. 

But Mor, too. I think, in a lot of ways, it’s easier to overlook Mor’s childhood and how she was seen and treated. Because she didn’t grow up in a dark cell like Az or alone in the freezing mountains like Cassian, she had a home, a palace really, she had family around her, she probably got to wear pretty dresses and attend feasts every other weekend. On the surface it looks like everything was pretty okay for her until she rebelled and was punished for it. But that discounts the effects that emotional abuse has. It’s not always obvious, it’s not always plain as day and clear to see, sometimes it comes in situations that look as though the person has everything they could ever want. But Mor’s upbringing was just as damaging and devoid of love as Cassian or Azriel’s and she is just as in need of this little found family to fulfil that as any of them.  

I think Mor is so fiercely loyal to Cass, Rhys and Az because they are the first people who actually valued and cared about her. Mor was as unloved and under-valued as Cass or Az in the way she grew up. No-one in that court actually saw her as a person, no-one actually thought of her as a thinking, feeling, independent individual. She was little less than an animal with good traits that they wanted to sell to the highest bidder so that she could become a breeder for them. That was all anyone saw, they saw her power, her beauty, her desirability to a male suitor - that was the essence of her value. As soon as that was taken away, as soon as she made a choice and dared to actually be herself, her value was stripped away as well. And the only thing they could think of to do then was to beat her within an inch of her life and then call her someone else’s problem. She wasn’t even worthless when she lacked value to them she was a ‘problem’ one that they couldn’t even be bothered to solve themselves. 

Cass, Azriel and Rhys actually saw her. When she went to that camp with Rhys and met them they didn’t consider her power, what kind of marriage she might make for them, they just saw her and befriended her. Azriel then saved her from the Autumn Court, went out of his way to find her after her family had thrown her away like a broken animal, brought her back, thought her worth going to that effort to save her life. Cassian and Rhys refused to let her return to her abusive normality, refused to leave her in the hands of those people again and Cassian even risked everything that he had and was to help her and she has never forgotten that, and likely will never forget it. 

Cassian and Mor’s relationship is mutual, loving, and respectful as far as it’s written in canon. As she is with everyone in the circle. She loves them, she trusts them, she respects them and would do anything for them. 

This is the woman who was waiting for Rhys to meet him when he came back after fifty years away. The woman who is there for Azriel every single time he comes home from a mission. The woman who welcomes Feyre into her heart and home with open arms and encourages her to heal with her strength and endurance and inspiration that it can and will get better. The woman who, with no magic at all, facing one of the most powerful magicians, millennia old, who has her in the palm of his hand, attacks him with nothing but a knife in her hand because of what he had done to Cassian’s wings. And is only stopped by the knowledge that if she doesn’t, Azriel will die and Cassian’s sacrifice will be for nothing. 

Mor is the consummate, shining symbol of the survivor in these books, the light at the end of the dark tunnel the rest of the characters are trapped in, the proof that it is possible to survive, to thrive, to triumph and emerge from that darkness. She is one of the kindest, most loving and most selfless characters in this series and I am beyond tired of watching her hated on and underappreciated by this fandom. She deserves better. 

[hopefuldreamerpatrol]

INTERVIEW WITH SARA BUTLER ZALESKY

Today we have Sara Butler Zalesky, Author of her new book “Wheeler” .

Thank you Sara for participating in our interview.

Can you tell us a bit about yourself and how long you have been writing

I didn’t set out to be an author, that’s for certain! I was a dabbler since primary school, and in high school and college, I took several creative writing courses but didn’t do anything with it. My creative outlets have changed over the years, but dreaming up stories has always been there.

Please tell me about your book “Wheeler” and what gave you the idea for this one.

They tell you to write a story what you would want to read, so I did. My passion for cycling and my desire to support women’s cycling specifically, was the impetus for this book.

  What sort of research did you do to write this book?

Since the book is about a pro cyclist, I tried to get as much information as I could about the structure of the teams and further depth into how races and strategy work. This way, I would be able to explain the finer points without being overwhelming, but still impart the excitement and drama of racing.

I have also read more Shakespeare than I ever wanted to read, but don’t ask me to quote any lines. I can’t remember any of it.

Valentine’s card with tandem bicycle

Do you outline books ahead of time or are you more of a by-the-seat-of-your-pants writer?

Completely by the seat of my pants, although since I wrote Wheeler using the UCI Women’s Tour calendar, I think having some kind of structure has been a huge help.

How long does it take you to write a book?

I’ve been writing both Wheeler and the follow up since June, 2015. That’s when I accidentally emailed my best   a rough draft of Graham and Loren’s first date. I chose the wrong file but he encouraged me to keep going.

Do you have an agent or a publisher, and if you can share, who they are?

I do not have an agent or publisher. A sports romance set in pro cycling has been a tough sell. I stopped sending queries when I got to 117 rejections. And yes, I’ve kept every one.

What are you working on currently / next?

I’m currently working on the follow up to Wheeler, which doesn’t have a title yet. I’m taking suggestions though.

What does a typical workday look like for you?

I’m an indoor cycling instructor and two mornings a week, I roll out of bed at 4:30am to head to the gym and begin warming up for my cycling class. I’m back at home by 6:45ish for the scramble to get my son out of bed, fed and on the school bus by 7:20.

I’m to my full time job by 9. Working in law, there isn’t a day that is the same: I could be drafting pleadings, real estate agreements, transcribing correspondence, but I always have the interruption of answering the telephone. (Insert heavy sigh here) If I have some free time and an idea has been percolating in the back of my mind, I’ll write it down or I’ll do some editing.

Thursday nights, I’m back at the gym for my cycling class but the other evenings I spend with my son and my husband. Once the house is quiet, I sit at the computer and write or edit, but usually both, until I can’t see straight.

What does your writing space look like? (can we see a photo of the space?)

It’s a complete disaster and no, you can’t see it. ☺  I have a Mac, my iPad, a mic for practicing to record the audiobook (pipe dream) and usually a crochet project to help me think. One of my two cats is often lying next to or on the keyboard, blissful in the heat of the lamp.

I have noticed that a lot of authors have a spotify music playlist to work to, do you like writing to music and if so what playlist is your favourite?

I have Spotify here and Pandora and usually have either going while I’m writing. I was listening to a lot of love songs and romantic themed playlists but lately I’ve gravitated to instrumentals. On Pandora the playlist is called “This Will Destroy You Radio” as I created it using the post-rock band, This Will Destroy You.  I often post about songs that inspire me on my blog.

What do you do in your free time when you are not writing?

I’m usually out riding my bicycle but I don’t have a whole lot of free time.

Do you have any favourite authors?

Dan Brown, Mercedes Lackey, David Eddings, Michael Crichton, Rick Riordan and of course, JK Rowling.

What books have you read recently?

Sadly, I haven’t picked up someone else’s book since I started writing mine, but the last book I read was The Gate Thief by Orson Scott Card.

What has been one of your most rewarding experiences as an author?

I have met some amazing people in my journey and I cherish the friendships I have made.

What were some of the challenges you faced with your writing and on the road to getting published?

I write too much fluff but I’ve gotten better at identifying it before my editor points it out.

Do you have any wisdom to impart to any aspiring writers?

I have many regrets, far too many, but the number one thing is: Hire an editor. Hire an editor. I cannot stress that enough. There are some fantastic freelance editors out there that won’t cost you an arm and a leg.  Editing your story is akin to cutting out your heart and soul and having someone rip it to shreds in front of your eyes. You will cry. You will get angry. You will want to fire off emails laced with profanity. Don’t. Let their words simmer and think about it, then do what they tell you to do.

I wrote a post on my blog called: Things I Wish I Knew Before Self-Publishing which dives into the depth of my angst.

And finally please let our readers know where we can purchase your books.

Wheeler is available on Kindle and paperback  through Amazon.com.

   Name:  Sara Butler Zalesky

Genre: Sports Romance/Women’s Fiction

Bio: Sara has never lacked for imagination, but it wasn’t until the Fates decided to give the string of her life a tug, bringing her romantic leanings together with her passion for the sport of cycling, and Poof! She can call herself a (self)published author.

Sara was born in the wee hours of a November night in New York City. When her family moved to a small borough in northwestern New Jersey, she had little choice but to move as well. Self-sufficiency is a tough thing for a toddler.

The dichotomy of being the middle child of three, but the only girl, was difficult, as typically no one really pays attention to a middle child. Mostly, Sara spent her time creating fanciful stories in her head when she should have been focused on other things, an issue that continues to this day.

Most of these stories have never been shared, let alone completed. This all changed in the spring of 2015, when Sara was encouraged by a friend to expand upon a short story she had accidentally emailed to him. The result is ‘Wheeler’, a romantic, women’s fiction/sport novel, which combines the author’s romantic inclinations and her passion for cycling.

Sara currently resides in the suburbs of Philadelphia, PA, with her loving husband and their son. She is a paralegal for a boutique law firm in Chester County, Pa, an avid road cyclist and indoor cycling instructor at a national chain.

Visit my blog at www.sarabutlerzalesky.com which features posts about the women’s peloton, cycling in general, writing, and some personal tidbits. Readers might even find some clues about who inspired the characters in Wheeler. Follow me on Twitter @sarazalesky for updates on the second book.

Author links:

https://twitter.com/sarazalesky

https://sarabutlerzalesky.com/

https://www.facebook.com/SaraButlerZalesky/

https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/15470045.Sara_Butler_Zalesky

  Fate whisper to the warrior, ‘You cannot withstand the storm.’ The warrior whispers back, ‘I am the storm.’

Loren Mackenzie has spent much of her life honing her body to overcome the physical challenges of being a professional cyclist in the women’s European peloton. She has also refined the control of her mind, using the power of her emotions in competition to become one of the elite cyclists in the world. An accident at the Philadelphia International Cycling Classic affords Loren opportunity to rise to the challenge of leading her team to victory, but also face the sting of defeat, together.

After a chance meeting with a famous actor, a whirlwind romance develops quickly, and what appears to be the perfect relationship threatens to unravel Loren’s tightly wound life. The microscope of media attention dredges up fears that her tragic past will be unearthed; secrets she has kept buried, even from those closest to her.

As the Women’s World Tour continues with races across Europe, a predator stalks Loren, conspiring not only put her chances at the World Championship in jeopardy but also force her to confront the phantoms haunting her mind.

Can Loren face the trauma of her past and vanquish the demons within, or will betrayal and obsession ultimately defeat her?

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      #INTERVIEW – Sara Butler Zalesky, Author of “Wheeler” – @sarazalesky @xpressoreads INTERVIEW WITH SARA BUTLER ZALESKY