#and of course i didnt plan for anything this year because of said irl bullshit

[wolfeyedwitch]

Current problem: I want to write for Whumptober, but the ideas im getting for entries are like. 12 works down the line in my various series. Or otherwise would just take a good bit of set-up.

If that sounds like a "me" problem, as my SO would joke, thats because it is.

[fictional-worlds-are-exquisite]

yeah, i don't lie a lot either, not only because i'm just really bad at it but also i'm a pretty honest person, i rarely see a reason to lie about something to people i'm close with. i do lie to teachers too though. because i am not just gonna tell them that i'm planning on procrasting an assignment for 3 weeks and then doing it on the last night. no, thank you. about that i can lie very convincingly.

there was also this one memorable occasion where i was lying horribly and then somehow managed to save the situation? it was weird. basically this guy i was friends with asked me out and I panicked coz i didnt want to hurt his feelings but i really didnt like him that way, so i said i'm sorry i have a crush on someone so i'm not emotionally available. and he was like oh cool who is it? because he obviously didn't believe me (see: my terrible lying skillz) and i was like oh it's my classmate [insert random name that does not belong to any of my classmates] and he asked for his facebook because again: didn't believe me. and so i panicked even more because i didn't know any people with that name so i told him yeah you caught me, i was lying, i actually have a crush on my best friend (we're both girls) so hopefully ur not homophobic dude. he was not homophobic! so that was great, even if i did lie so horribly at first that i had to come out to save my lie 🤷‍♀️

i'm pan ace by the way! and i'm only out as pan to 5 (i think) people irl and literally no one outside of tumblr knows that i'm ace (because i'm apparently really horrible at telling who in my life is aphobic and after one attempt at coming out as ace and backtracking asap i did not try again!)

also, i figured that you would like to know, that i found some hair dye i bought before (the second) quarantine in my country started and forgot about. so i dyed my hair red again! at 1am (well it's 12.30 but thats close enough right?) i also accidentally dyed my favorite (white) sleep shirt red because in my excitement i forgot to change. so now it looks like someone's head was cut off while wearing it! the chaos! i'm loving it

Oh yeah, I had this one lecturer last trimester that would give you assignments and expect you to have started them like, a solid month before it was due. If it was like a MASSIVE assignment I would understand of course. But half the time it was just like a 1000 or 2000 word essay. Two weeks from the due date I’m pretty sure she expected a draft. That is of course not what I did. I’m over here chatting with my tutor the day it’s due like yeah I started last night gonna try to get it done by the due time tonight :)) shoutout to that tutor, I gave her second-hand anxiety and stress and she did not deserve it. But when talking to the lecturer? nooo I’ve made a start for sure :). On the other hand that was my worst class last trimester and my results just. weren’t vibing. so maybe I should’ve started weeks prior sdkfsdfsk. Lying to teachers about having started an assessment is my specialty. stressing tutors out about having not started so close to the date is also my speciality (i’m so sorry sdfkshdf).

oh my god what a legendary way of saving that lie in the end. that’s incredible. I think I would’ve panicked so much in that situation it just would’ve been stuttered half words and a sprint in literally any direction to get away. What a save. 10/10 quick thinking skills there honestly. to be fair there also weren’t enough people in my high school to get away with naming a fake person. when a guy asked ME out I just stood there staring at him with great fear until he reminded me I could say no so I said uh, yeah, I mean no sorry, and speed-walked away. he was good about it though. until I found out he wanted to ask me to the ball in year 12 I believe and I suddenly disappeared whenever he entered a room. Weird how that worked. so strange. odd. top 10 unexplainable things in the world.

so when I was younger I was ‘dating’ this guy on minecraft. there! i said the first sentence! cue laughter! meanwhile a guy at school had started to show interest in me (the dude above) and i mean. what was i gonna say. sorry dude i’m actually dating someone on minecraft so :)) can’t date you! but some friends got really curious about why I was so against dating him because we did actually get along pretty well as friends. and I wasn’t about to tell THEM the truth either. so i. so i- so. i um. i uhhhhhh. hhhhhh. i confess. the worst lie i’ve ever told. went something like

so the thing is I’m actually in a long distance relationship with someone, which is why I can’t date this guy and am not interested. we met in new zealand though! he’s in america now. it’s SUCH a weird story. we met in [insert place two towns over] and started dating and it was all going really well when his parents found out. they weren’t happy with us dating so they decided to move away so he couldn’t date me anymore. they moved ALL the way to the US just because they disapproved! we still keep in touch through messaging apps and that though. so. then my friends took me to maccas after school asking more questions and what he looked like. so I showed them his insta profile and explained a bit about him. that part wasn’t a lie but geez, THEY MOVED ALL THE WAY TO AMERICA FROM NZ BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T APPROVE? WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT ASS LIE IS THAT. THAT IS THE WORST THING I’VE EVER COME UP WITH. I THINK I GAINED MY ABILITY TO LIE SOMEWHAT WELL AFTER THAT BECAUSE IT TRULY COULD NOT GET WORSE. anyway. that’s something i never want to reflect on EVER again. thank god i’m only exposing myself to all of tumblr. i was like 14 or 15 there is no excuse for a lie that god awful at that age. and yet. ANYWAY.

that’s awesome though! 10/10 identity in my opinion, thanks for sharing!!! I came out to my entire english class in year 13 as part of a speech assessment just cause it seemed to fit the speech topic at the time and i was like fuck it. last year here. let’s do it. and my parents still didn’t find out. despite reading the speech. it was a coming out comment that clearly just went over their heads. they still don’t know. everyone else does. it’s wild. I feel you though. I’m so comfortable saying I’m bi or I’m gay or I’m queer or anything of the sort with people I know are chill but the ace side of things? it’s just trickier for me, at least. the first time I mentioned asexuality was to my Dad when he asked me to explain what the acronym LGBTQIA+ meant after seeing it on the news or something. So I went through each and explained them carefully so he understood. And I got to asexuality and I started explaining and he was like oh but that one’s a choice though with a very final sounding voice. And I didn’t really know my sexuality exactly at the time but I was questioning if I was ace and I was like ! neat ! i’m never telling anyone now ! i’m sure he didn’t really mean harm or anything and if i genuinely sat down now he’d listen but it was enough to keep that part of my identity more private. still i met a bunch of ace people at uni by accident in one class. it was rad. english attracts queer people i swear.

and omg, awesome! I hope it turned out well! well except for the shirt. but honestly, that seems like an awesome edition. i’m feeling a serial killer who collects the shirts of people whose heads they just cut off. who then wears them to bed to sleep in cause like obviously you can’t just wear that in public. what a vibe. also at 1am? sdkfjskdfsdf mood. i’m glad you’re vibing with it though!!

[alicezan-ncgred]

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul​, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative. 

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely  meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this. 

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too. 

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin. 

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better. 

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.  

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression. 

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that. 

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD,  Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind. 

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue. 

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt. 

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly. 

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling. 

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode. 

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell.