#and occasionally frozen stuff are my go to food sources

[lover-of-skellies]

About to riot

I want doordash burger king. Which is maybe close to $11. I have less than a dollar in my bank account. Gdi

Is this the part where I'm petty and eat all the bread in the cupboard? Maybe. Who knows

[helliontherapscallion]

(Y/n) and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Week: Tuesday

Monday     Wednesday     Thursday (Part 1)     Thursday (Part 2)     Friday     Saturday     Sunday

Spotify Playlist (collaborative)

Warnings: anxiety, doctor’s offices, taking pain pills (not sure if I need to tag that, but just in case), stalkers, blackmail, swearing, non-consensual taking pics of nudes, slight body dysmorphia, self-loathing, toxic friends

Word count: 5,326

(A/N): another long chapter, my little wlw heart loved writing this chapter! Also holy shit I was not expecting the first part to blow up, thank you to everyone that read it! Gosh, it’s enough to make a grown woman cry :’)

You cracked open your crusty eyes to Wilbur poking his head into your room. “(Y/n), Dad wants you.”

You groaned rubbing at your eyes in an attempt to get the sleep out of them. “I’ll be down in a sec.” Your voice was scratchy and thick with sleep.

He closed the door silently and you heard his socked feet thumping down the hallway. Your pain faded slightly into soreness, but your shoulders and upper back were slightly stiff. After you drug yourself out of bed, you shambled down the stairs to see your family at the table eating breakfast. Your stomach growled loudly, making you blush slightly in embarrassment. 

Your eldest brother snorted. “Hungry (y/n)?”

You slumped into your seat next to him slowly shoveling food into your mouth. “You have no idea.”

“You wouldn’t be that hungry if you ate dinner when you got home like I told you to do last night, young lady. You better eat every single thing on that plate.”

There was no arguing with a stern Dadza, so you reluctantly complied. Meanwhile, Tommy and Tubbo were telling Wilbur about your match animatedly. 

“And the ball was like fwoosh and she- the ball and-and-”

“And she hit it and Haley hit it to the other side! It was so cool!”

Wilbur merely smiled listening to them ramble about how badass you were last night. They made you feel genuinely happy that they admired your volleyball abilities; they were probably your biggest fans and that made your day most of the time. You remembered the first match they came to during your freshman year, they had run up to you right after the end-of-match whistle blew to spew about how good you were on the court. They met the team that day. Your team adored having them at your games, over the years they slowly replaced your school’s mascot. They played a huge part in morale boosts before and during matches. 

He looked over to you, “I didn’t know my little sister could be so badass.”

You felt your cheeks flare up. “It’s nothing I haven’t done before. It really wasn’t anything special.”

“(Y/n),” Philza pursed his lips, “you did all that with a bruised back, I’d consider that something special.”

“Wait (y/n), you’re hurt?” Tommy and Tubbo looked at you with wide concerned eyes.

“Yeah, but it’s not that bad. I can still move and stuff.”

Techno rolled his eyes, “it’s bad if you’re going to the doctor for it.”

“Eh, it doesn’t hurt as bad as it did yesterday, so I’m not worried.” 

“You’re deadass wincing everytime you move your arm,” WIlbur deadpanned, “it clearly still hurts.”

“Well yeah, I didn’t say the pain went away completely. Fuckin’ dumbass.”

“Language,” Philza glared at you two, gesturing to the two fifth graders watching the exchange with interest. 

You and Wilbur resumed eating and murmured out a defeated “sorry Dad.” You both glared at Techno when he huffed in amusement. 

“If you three keep bickering, you’re going to be late to school. Remember, you two have to drop off Tommy and Tubbo today cuz I’m taking your sister to her appointment. Now go get ready, I’ll take care of your dishes.”

Your brothers took off up the stairs, each competing to get to the bathroom first. Occasionally, you would hear shouts and slapping noises. You felt glad you didn’t have to deal with that today. Judging by Techno’s gruff voice laughing and an explosion of loud complaints from the rest, you assumed that he won today. “I swear, they’re gonna put me in an early grave.”

“You and me both Dad, you and me both.”

You went into the kitchen and pulled out a bottle of pain pills from the junk drawer. Various bottles of Motrin and Advil were scattered around the house because when you live with a rambunctious family like this one, people are bound to get hurt and headaches are common. Popping three into your mouth, you washed it down with a glass of water. The sound of the running water faucet and the slight splashing of water filled the silence of the room. 

“How’s your back? Does it feel any better?”

“Kinda, today it just feels more sore than throbbing, my headache went away mostly, and my shoulder doesn’t feel any worse, so that’s better I guess.”

He shut off the water and reached for a towel to dry off his wet hands. He moved over to the freezer and grabbed a frozen package of peas that your family never ate. You all used it whenever one of you would get a bruise. He moved behind you and held it against your back without warning. Flinching forward from the unexpected temperature change, you winced with the wave of pain moving brought you. 

“Shit, sorry.”

“You’re good. Just give me a little warning next time,” you chuckled. He gently placed it back on your back and you sighed from the slight relief that it brought you. You leaned into the peas and closed your eyes. “That feels amazing.”

“I bet. That bruise was pretty bad yesterday, can I look at it again?”

You reluctantly left the sanctuary that was the medical grade frozen peas and leaned forward, moving your hair out of the way for him. “Knock yourself out.”

He made a hissing noise as soon as he moved your shirt out of the way. “Dad, it probably looks worse than it feels.”

“...Have you seriously not looked at this yet? It looks pretty bad, hun.”

“Well, sorry I can’t move to look at my back without being in pain. I’ll try harder next time.” You snarked him.

“Hey, watch the attitude. Here, I’ll take a picture so you can see how bad it is.”

You heard the rustling of fabric as he fished his phone out of his pocket and the obnoxiously loud click of his camera app. You turned around to look at the damage. You squinted at his bright phone screen. Your entire back was swollen in some areas and was covered in ugly reds, blues, blacks, and purples. You made a disgusted noise in the back of your throat and cringed away from the screen. You always got nauseous seeing injuries.

“Yikes.”

“Yikes isn’t the only word I would use, it’s bad (y/n).”

“It looks worse than it feels, I promise. I’m gonna go get ready so we’re not late to my appointment. It sounds like the boys are finally done with the bathroom.”

You hobbled up the stairs slowly and made your way to the bathroom. The door was wide open ready for you to use. Turning on the light, you closed the door in a hurry so that your brothers wouldn’t try to get in again to hog the bathroom like they usually did. You frowned at your appearance. Your hair was sticking up in every direction and you had dark eye bags around your dull looking eyes. A few pimples dotted your skin like constellations in the night sky, but much uglier and more out of place. Turning your body, you scanned your figure. Your eyes watered as you realized that you had gained some weight. Adrian, Sammy, and Annie were right, you looked like garbage all the time.

You ripped your eyes away from yourself in the mirror with disgust etched deep into your features. You were disgusting through and through. Ripping your brush through your hair, you winced at the pain emanating from the back of your head. You deserve the pain for letting yourself go. Once you were slightly more satisfied with your appearance, you stepped out of the bathroom and quickly changed into the clothes you would wear today. You decided on a hoodie and a pair of tights. You didn’t feel like dressing yourself up. 

You once again walked down the stairs and slipped on your shoes to meet your dad in his car. You idly scrolled through your phone while you waited for him, looking at your notifications for the first time that day. You had ten texts from the group chat that you were in with Adrian, Annie, and Sammy.

Sammy <3

(Y/n) where the hell are you?

Adrian <3

Do you guys think she ditched us?

I knew she was ignoring us

Sammy <3

Who ignores their friends?

Annie <3

(Y/n) apparently. 

She has more important things to do ig

Oh my god

Do you guys think she skipped school?

Adrian <3

I wouldn’t put it past her

Maybe she finally gave up

(Y/n)

I’m sorry guys, I just have a doctor’s appointment today

I would never ignore you

Sammy <3

Yk, it’s hard to keep defending you when you keep ditching us..

(Y/n)

I’m not ditching you!

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you guys about my appointment

I’ll make it up to you guys

Adrian <3

How?

You’ve already skipped out on us enough already

Annie <3

Oh ik!

She can write our final research paper for us Dri!

I haven’t started it yet lmao

Adrian <3

Saaaame lmaoooo

Sammy <3

Guys, what about me???

Adrian <3

Idk, figure it out yourself

Sammy <3

Rude!

Uhhh

Ur gonna put together my final presentation for us history

(Y/n)

Alright, I can do that for you guys

Sam can you pls send me the rubric? 

Annie <3

Thanks love ;)

(Y/n)

No problem, I like doing things for friends

My dad’s coming, I gotta go

Talk to you guys later

Adrian <3

Byeeee (y/n), ur the best!

(Y/n)

: ) <3

You put your phone down as your dad started up the car and pulled out of the driveway. The drive was quiet as you stared out the window and thought about how much work you now had to do. On top of your own classes, you had two more to write and a presentation to make in a class you hadn’t taken since the first semester in your sophomore year. The research papers had to be at least four full pages long with a minimum of ten sources each due on Friday and you had no idea how big Sammy’s US history presentation has to be or what it’s even about. But that was fine, you’d do anything for your friends. 

“So, who were you texting? Your boyfriend?” He asked jokingly.

“Oh, just Adrian, Sammy, and Annie. I don’t have a boyfriend Dad,” because you were a closeted lesbian, but you wouldn’t tell him that anytime soon. “You know that.”

“I know,” he chuckled, “it’s been a while since I’ve seen them. How have they been?”

“They’re good. Adrian got a job at the diner, he’s a host. Sammy and Annie have been focusing more on raising their grades.”

“Good for them! You should invite them over for dinner sometime.”

“I was actually thinking that I could maybe go hang out with them on Halloween...?”

“(Y/n), the family was going to take Tommy and Tubbo trick-or-treating.”

“I know, but there’s always next year. Plus, we haven’t been able to hang out in so long! We’re always free at different times.”

“I don’t know (y/n), what if they don’t want to trick-or-treat next year? What were you planning on doing with them?”

“We were just gonna hang out at Annie’s house and watch some horror movies,” you lied. He would never let you go if he knew you were going to a party. Especially one where alcohol would be involved and hormonal teenage boys ran rampant actively scouting for an easy lay.

“...I’ll think about it.” The car pulled into the doctor office’s parking lot.

“Thank you Dad! It’s been a while since we’ve all hung out together.”

He chuckled as you both walked into the lobby, checked in, and waited for your name to be called. About ten minutes later, you were summoned by a nurse so you went into the back leaving your dad to wait in the lobby. The nurse recorded your height and weight (much to your dismay, you gained four pounds) and asked you the standard questions about your injury and uncomfortable questions about your overall health. The clacking of her acrylic nails on the plastic keyboard filled the awkward silence.

Once that was done, she left and you had to wait a little bit for the doctor. After slipping into the backless gown the nurse left, you mindlessly scrolled on your phone. Jumping when someone knocked on the door, you looked up to see your family’s doctor smiling at you.

“Hello (y/n), how are we feeling today?”

“I’m alright.”

“I hear that you had quite the fall onto some concrete, is that true?”

“Yes, I landed on my back and the back of my head.”

She reached over and squirted hand sanitizer onto her hands, rubbing it in and looking back at you. “Can you please lay on your stomach so I can take a look at your back?”

You nodded, shifting on the uncomfortable paper covered cushioned table onto your stomach. You felt her cold hands gently graze your bruises before she pulled out her stethoscope. “Can you take a good deep breath in for me?”

You complied and she instructed you to let it out. Doing this multiple times along your back, she put her stethoscope away and continued prodding at your exposed back. 

“There’s definitely some swelling in multiple areas… It doesn’t feel or sound like you cracked or broke any ribs, which is excellent… Do you have any pain deep in your shoulder when you move it?”

“Yes, I landed on it wrong last night at my volleyball match.”

“How would you describe your pain? Stabbing, sore, throbbing…”

“More sore, but a little stabbing pain when I move my arm.”

She moved her fingers to examine your shoulder. “It doesn’t sound like a sprain or fracture, can you move it up and down for me?”

You moved your arm up and down, front and back, and side to side. “You still have a full range of movement, that’s good. Can I have you sit back up again?”

You sat back up and she started testing you for a concussion. After passing her tests, you were cleared of having a concussion. “Alright (y/n), it appears that you only strained your deltoid and teres muscles and you have severe bruising along your back. Make sure you ice your back and, if you have one, wear a shoulder compression sleeve. Anti-inflammatory medications such as Ibuprofen will help with the swelling. Other than that, you have a clean bill of health! You can still participate in volleyball practices, but you need to take it easy. Don’t do anything that will strain the muscles any further.”

“Thank you Dr. Samson,” you smiled at her. 

“You’re welcome. I’ll leave you to change back into your clothes and you’re free to go! You may leave the gown on the table.”

She left the room and you redressed yourself. Walking out to the lobby, Philza’s head perked up when he heard the door opening. He stood up and walked over to you with a slightly worried face. You both walked back out to the car.

“So?”

“Dr. Samson said that I don’t have a concussion, sprains or broken bones. She told me that I just strained my shoulder muscles and I need to keep ice on my back.”

He visibly slumped in relief. “Thank god. What’d she say about volleyball?”

“She said that I could keep playing, but I have to take it easy.”

“Good, wouldn’t want you missing finals on Thursday. Do you know if the team you’re playing is any good?”

“Dad, of course they’re good, we’re the top two teams in the area.”

“I bet their setter is nowhere near as good as you are and I bet the setter and spiker aren’t as synced as you and Haley are. You two make a good pair.” 

“Yeah we do, don’t we?” You looked out the window and smiled a little and felt your ears turn red. The very mention of Haley’s name was enough to make you feel like you were on cloud nine. The car fell silent again as you neared your high school. 

In your AP world history class, the class was looking at the test you had taken yesterday. Surprisingly, you got a 74% on the multiple choice part and a 50% on your essay portion, so that landed you with a just below passing grade. You thought you completely flunked that test yesterday, so that was a pleasant surprise. It took a good portion out of your overall grade in the class, lowering it from a comfortable A- to a slightly alarming B. You supposed it could’ve been a lot worse. Besides reviewing your tests, the class didn’t do much except starting the reading for the next chapter.

Your psychology online class went like it usually did, however your phone blew up with texts about midway through the block. Glancing down, you saw that it was Haley. Shouldn’t she be in class?

Hales : )

(Y/n) meet me in the locker room right after school

I need to talk to you before practice starts

It’s an emergency

(Y/n)

What’s going on?

Hales : )

I’ll explain after school.

Can’t talk about it over text

(Y/n)

Alright, see ya then ig

You felt your gut twinge. Something’s wrong, but you didn’t know what. You were worried about Haley, usually she was really bubbly. You’ve never seen the senior act so strange before. You could only wait the block out until the bell would release you from the confines of the library and into the locker room. After sending a quick text to your brothers that you were going to stay after school for your practice, you stared blankly at your laptop’s clock as you counted down the minutes left in the class period. Ten minutes. Eight minutes. Four minutes. Two minutes. Thirty seconds-

You shot up from your seat as the bell rang. Pushing past some groups of freshmen that congregated in the hallways, you made a beeline for the locker room. In the locker room, you found Haley sitting on the metal bench on the opposite end of the locker room with her back facing the last row of lockers and facing the brick wall. She was clenching her phone in her hand with an iron grip. You hurried to sit next to her.

“Hales, what’s going on? Talk to me.”

“It’s bad (y/n). Like, really bad.”

“What’s bad? You’re worrying me.”

Wordlessly, she unlocked her phone and handed it to you. On the screen was something that you weren’t expecting to see. You scrolled through the contents and felt your stomach drop with each scroll; someone took pictures of you and Haley throughout the match last night. Every picture was a violation to yours and Haley’s dignities, they had gotten zoomed in pictures of your boobs and asses. Deeper, there were even pictures taken of you changing into your volleyball uniform through your open window. You were only in your underwear. Haley had a similar picture that you scrolled past as fast as you could. Scrolling to the bottom of the text message thread, the person that sent Haley the pictures added a caption to the last picture. It was a picture of you and Haley together celebrating your match, her arm slung around your shoulder with your mouth open mid-laugh.

Unknown

I’m sending these out to the entire school unless you stop hanging around her.

If you tell anyone, the pics will be printed off and put in every single locker and bathroom the school has.

You’ll be the sluts of Klinkver High. 

Cut all ties now. You have two days. 

Do not try me.

“Jesus christ Haley. Who the fuck would do this? This is sick.”

She took her phone back and locked it without looking at the screen. “I don’t know (y/n). I wanted to tell you not to openly talk to me for a few days. We don’t know who took these, we don’t know what they’re capable of. I don’t wanna risk angering them.”

“We can find them! If we look close enough, we might find a few clues where they were sitting. Do you remember seeing anything suspicious last night?”

“(Y/n), our best option is to leave it. We just can’t talk in person anymore; we can still text each other.”

“Hales, how are we gonna not talk? I’m your setter.”

She ran a hand through her thick black hair. “I don’t know (y/n). Just-just don’t talk to me anymore, I don’t want your pictures leaked.”

“I don’t care about my pictures. My name’s been drug through so much shit this past year that it won’t affect me. I don’t want your stuff leaked.”

She gave a watery laugh, “you care too much, I love that about you…” Glistening eyes turned to look deep into your own. “I’m so scared (y/n), I don’t know what to do.”

You pulled her into a hug, wincing slightly when she squeezed her arms around your upper back. She buried her face into your shoulder and started shaking with muffled sobs. “Haley, I promise I’ll catch whatever sick bastard is doing this to you. You don’t deserve this.”

She said nothing as you rested your chin on the top of her head and started to rock her back and forth slowly. You two stayed like that even after her sobbing resided, finding comfort in each other’s presence. Glancing at the clock, you realized that you two have been in the locker room for an hour. Practice was set to start in fifteen minutes, people were going to start coming into the locker room soon. 

You reluctantly pulled away from the hug and looked Haley in her bloodshot eyes, “I’m not going to let those pictures of you get leaked. I swear on my-”

The door to the locker room swung open and loud laughter echoed throughout the room. Haley pushed you away and speed walked off to a bathroom stall, slamming the door shut behind her. 

“Damn (y/n), what’d you do? She’s pissed.” 

“It’s none of your business, Zara.” 

“Oh, so it’s a lover’s quarrel then~” She cackled, her hair bouncing slightly with each heave of her shoulders. 

“For the love of… Haley and I aren’t dating, we’re both straight.” She’s straight.

“Mmhm.” She brushed past you to go to her locker. You followed her, your locker was in the grouping next to hers. You shared the area with Haley. You changed as fast as you could so that Haley would have time to change before practice starts. Speed walking into the gym, Zara was hot on your trail wearing a shit eating grin.

“Why are you in such a rush? Giving your girlfriend the silent treatment?”

“Zara. We aren’t dating. For the last time, we’re both heterosexual, not homosexual!” You wildly gestured with your hands to emphasize your point, your voice being amplified by the vast gym. Coach Williams gave you a confused look from across the gym. 

“You just keep telling yourself that.”

“I’m serious.”

“Hi serious,” a soft voice replied from behind you, “I’m Jazzy.”

You groaned at the pun at the same time Zara started cackling, giving the short libero a high five. “Nice!”

“That was so bad, Jaz.” You couldn’t help the smile that found its way onto your face.

Zara poked your cheek with a wide grin. “C’mon, you’re smiling!”

“I am and I hate it.”

Your bickering continued with Jazzy watching you two with a content smile. The remaining members of the team (Haley, Marlene, and Zuri) filed into the gym right as Coach Williams blew her whistle. 

Practice went by slowly without Haley talking to you. Sure, you had the rest of the team, but it didn’t feel the same with you guys ignoring each other. If the team or Coach Williams noticed you two not talking to each other, they didn’t say anything. By time practice was over, you all went to the locker room to change. After slipping into your fuzzy pajama pants, you sat on the bench and texted Wilbur to come pick you up. He was supposed to pick you up after practice today because he and Techno took the car home after school. Five minutes passed and he still didn’t reply. He probably won’t see the text until you got home from walking.

You sighed, resting your chin in your palm as you leaned forward. One by one, the girls left the locker room until it was only you and Haley left. 

“Do you need a ride (y/n)?” She asked gently.

“But what if the person sees us together? I can just walk home, it’s not really a big deal.”

She rolled her eyes at you. “It is a big deal. It’s cold and dark out. You could get kidnapped or something. You don’t even have a coat with you. I’m giving you a ride whether you like it or not.”

You playfully rolled your eyes at her and stood up to walk next to her, “okay, mom.”

“Don’t give me that attitude young lady.”

“You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real mom!”

She gasped and lightly smacked the back of your shoulder, “I married your- are you alright? Shit, I didn’t hurt you did I?”

“No, you’re good. It’s just this damned bruise.”

She moved her hands and frantically turned you around to pull the neck of your shirt down. You two stood in front of the school’s main entrance with the nauseatingly bright fluorescent light bouncing off the reflective surface of the tiles. The orange tinted street lights lit up the sidewalk outside.

“(Y/n)-”

“I know what you’re gonna say.”

She scoffed, “oh really? What am I gonna say then, o wise one?”

You turned around to face her, “‘oh, this is bad, yadda yadda yadda.’ Everyone’s been saying that about it. Honestly it looks worse than it feels. Tis but a scratch, m’lady.”

She snorted and covered her mouth, “never call me ‘m’lady’ ever again.”

You started to walk to her car in the empty parking lot. “Or what? What’re ya gonna do?”

“I swear to god, (y/n), I’m gonna leave you here.”

“Do it, pussy. Bet you won’t.”

“You really wanna bet?”

You grinned at her, “hell yeah.”

She broke off into a mad dash to her car, laughing freely into the night sky. You chased after her trying not to move your arms much, your laugh mixing with hers like a perfect symphony composed of the world’s best musicians. The sound of your rubber soles slapping the pavement resonated throughout the parking lot as you quickly gained on her. Reaching out to grab her shirt, she smirked at you and sharply turned to the right into the grass.

You grinned as her pace slowed down slightly. You’d be able to catch her at this pace. You pushed your legs to move faster as she looked at you from over her shoulder and shrieked in surprise at how close you were to her. You cackled at her reaction, reaching out once again, you grabbed her hand. She was stopped dead in her tracks as your shoulder was yanked with the sudden momentum, making you hiss in slight pain. Despite that, you didn’t let go of her soft hand. 

You both stood there under the moonlight and the soft orange street lamps trying to  catch your breath. The slightly damp blades of grass tickled your ankle as you shifted to face her better. Through gasping breaths and a dopey grin, you said “you… lost, pussy.”

She let out a breathy laugh as she pulled you to her car. “Shuddup.”

“Make me~”

She opened the passenger side door for you and got into the driver's seat. Her car smelled like vanilla and citrus. “Oh, you will later when I make you do more sets in weight lifting tomorrow, hurt shoulder be damned.”

She turned on the ignition and the car revved to life, soft indie pop wafted from the speakers. She backed out of the parking space and sped off to the main road. “You wouldn’t…”

“I’m your captain, (y/n). I can make you do whatever I want.” You felt your cheeks heat up a tad. You were happy that she couldn’t see you.

“Naw, you’re too much of a softie for that. Admit it, I’ve got you wrapped around my little finger.”

She chuckled as she pulled into your driveway and put the car in park. “...Alright, maybe you do. Just a bit.”

She turned to look at you. She looked stunning with the shadows accentuating the contours of her face perfectly. You found yourself glancing at her lips and leaning slightly towards you. To your surprise, she started leaning into you as well. Before your lips could finally mesh together, she pulled back with a sigh and ran her hand through her hair. You felt a rush of disappointment and fear course through your veins. She didn’t like you like that, you should’ve known better. You were so stupid. So, so stu-

“I can’t (y/n). I want to kiss you so bad, but we can’t. Not yet at least. Not until we find the pervert that took those pictures of us.”

You sighed, “right.”

The car was filled with awkward silence. Not even the soft music streaming from the speakers could alleviate the awkwardness. God, you really screwed up your friendship, didn’t you? Sammy, Adrian, and Annie were right; you messed up everything you touched.

You coughed, “I think I’m gonna…”

“Yeah…”

You grabbed your bag and walked into your house, the smell of chicken slapping you in the face instantly. Without checking in with your dad, you hurried up the stairs, desperate for the warm comfort of your bed. That, and if you wanted to get Sammy’s presentation and Adrian’s, Annie’s, and your research papers done by Friday, you had to start as soon as you could. You were going to skip dinner for tonight, you’d just grab more breakfast tomorrow morning. 

You plopped on your bed and got started on your research paper. Luckily, you already had all of the sources you were planning on using and the rough outline of each body paragraph, so writing the actual paper wasn’t going to take long. You worked until you heard a knock at your door. 

“(Y/n),” Techno’s monotone voice called out, “dinner’s ready.”

“Tell Dad I’m not hungry. Practice’s got me beat, I’m going to bed soon.”

He grunted, “you know he’s not gonna like that right?”

You felt frustration start to swim circles around your chest, “Techno, just tell him that I’m not hungry right now. Please.”

“Damn, you don’t need to be like that. I’ll tell him.”

You heard his stomping footsteps thumping down the hall. Shit, you pissed him off. You were a terrible person, he was just trying to get you to eat something, Pushing back the tears that threatened to spill from your eyes, you forced the panic that was starting to swirl around your body in laps deep into your being. You didn’t have time to deal with your failures and stupid emotions, you had to get this done. You didn’t have time to think about Haley’s warm breath ghosting across your lips. You didn’t have time to think about how she probably regretted almost kissing you. You didn’t have time to fall into an anxiety spiral, you needed to focus if you wanted Adrian, Annie, and Sammy to forgive you. You ruined yours and Haley’s friendship and did the same to yours and Techno’s. They were the only ones you had left. You needed to be a better friend.

Taglist (comment if you want to be added or if I missed you, it won’t let me tag some tumblrs :((( ):

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[gravelish]

Bike Touring and Bikepacking

13 June 2021

I was really happy with my bike and my gear for the ride back from San Francisco. I had considered taking my Surly with the touring gear, but opted instead to take the Warbird and the bikepacking gear. Both would have worked, but I think the latter was simply more enjoyable.

The distinctions between bike touring and bikepacking are nuanced, debated, semantic, and sort of irrelevant, but to me touring implies riding long distances over many days on the road, whereas bike packing suggests more an off-road bicycle equivalent to backpacking. But the line between these two pursuits is blurry. In addition, bike touring and bikepacking are associated with different types of bikes and different ways of carrying gear - a touring bike with paneers versus a mountain bike with soft luggage. But again, the lines are fuzzy.

My 2019 cross-country trip was pretty classic touring. My Surly Disc Trucker is a classic touring bike and I was loaded with panniers, duffels, and a handlebar bag. But during the past year and a half, my Salsa Warbird has become my go-to bike for both day rides and 3-4 day overnight trips. It’s a lot more fun to ride than the Surly. It’s lighter, it handles better, and frankly, I really like indexed shifting at my fingertips. The Salsa is very much a gravel bike with wider tires and is comfortable on both pavement and on rough gravel roads. On the other hand, the bike requires a completely different approach to packing.

One of the things that makes the gravel bike/bikepacking setup work is that you can’t carry as much stuff, so it’s lighter (it helps that the bike itself is much lighter, too). This not only makes pedaling uphill easier, it makes it easier to maneuver the bike around obstacles or carry it up steps. Combine this with the way the weight is distributed - higher and narrower - and the fact that the bike itself handles more nimbly than a touring bike, and the result is a much more fun and versatile touring rig.

BIKE

The bike is a Salsa Warbird with a 61cm carbon frame. It has Shimano GRX components with 2x11 gearing. It came with an 11-34 rear cassette, which I've swapped out for an 11-40. This gives me a much-needed granny gear for steep, loaded climbs. I had to tighten up a loose derailleur hanger early in the trip, but besides that the only problem was noisy gears as the grit and the crud built up on the chain, the pulley wheels, and the chain guides. Occasional attempts to clean things helped, but it was hard on the road to do a very thorough job.

TIRES

The tires are 700x42s. The front tire is the Teravail Cannonball that came with the bike (4000+ miles), still with the same tube. The rear tire is a relatively new Teravail Washburn set up tubeless. They both worked well - no flats and and few signs of wear over the 1200-mile trip. I topped off the air a couple of times (larger tires means I run fairly low pressure - maybe 45psi).

ATTACHMENTS

A Wahoo Bolt bike computer (and a cadence sensor on the crank). A rear blinker. I had a good headlight, but kept it stowed the entire trip, since there were no night rides and no tunnels. I have bottle cages on my forks and under the down tube. A Salsa Cradle is mounted to the handlebars, to which I strap my sleeping gear. I have an improvised porteur rack above the front wheel (the carbon forks are not intended to carry a traditional front rack) that provides some extra stowage for light stuff and a mounting location for the headlight. All the other luggage is soft stuff strapped to the frame.

LUGGAGE

Handlebar roll. A good compression dry sack holds my 'sleeping system.' It straps into a cradle on the bars.

Utility bag. Easy to unclip and bring with me when I'm away from the bike. Holds electronics, toiletries, spork and knife, other odds and ends. An additional pouch served as a holster for my iPhone.

Two stem/feed bags. Easy access to snacks, layers, and a little spare space for a bottle of Gatorade, a defrosting burrito, or in one case, a chocolate milk shake.

Gas tank/top tube bag. Small camera, handkerchief, buff, face mask.

Seat bag. Clothing, outerwear (when not strapped on elsewhere), a small cook set, a little food. I strap on a pair of sandals which serve as camp shoes, town shoes, and for potential water crossings.

Frame bag. Tools, spare tube, parts and supplies, water filter, stove, tent poles/pegs, a small daypack, a small towel, and so forth. It’s a good place to stuff frozen burritos, extra napkins, sweaty arm warmers, and other stuff during the day.

GEAR

It’s impressive how much stuff I squeezed into a pretty compact suite of luggage. This photo shows everything I took off the bike when I got home, including the clothes off my back, the helmet and glasses off my head, and the shoes off my feet.

Shelter/Sleeping. My ‘sleeping system’ fits in a small dry bag on the handlebars. It includes a lightweight tent, a down quilt, and an ultralight air mattress. The combination works to the mid-30s and if it’s colder, I can wear my down jacket. The tent poles and pegs live in the frame bag.

Clothing. A change of bike shorts and socks, a short and long sleeve jersey. A set of lightweight clothes for off the bike. A rain jacket, rain pants, and a light down jacket. I’ve got both fingerless and full-finger gloves. Two headbands, one for sweat, the other for warmth. Arm warmers. Leg warmers. A rain cap. A baseball cap. When I'm on roads and not wearing my rain gear, I usually wear a lightweight yellow vest - both for visibility and as a windbreak.

Cooking. I have an MSR pocket rocket stove in my frame bag and a compact cook set in my seat bag (small titanium pot, fuel canister, lighter, rubber scraper, and a stove stand). I don’t cook much, but mornings are better with boiling water for coffee and oatmeal. I occasionally cook a dinner, such as a dehydrated backpacking meal.

Food. Unlike backpacking, where you carry food for days or weeks, biking involves resupplying as you go. When expecting to camp, I tend to buy a sandwich or packaged burrito earlier the day, though I always have some sort of backup meal in my gear. I carry instant oatmeal packs and instant coffee for mornings. I keep an assortment of snacks - nuts, string cheese, pepperoni sticks, candy bars, gels, energy bars, fig newtons. Things that cover a range of cravings and nutritional needs and that can be easily restocked at gas stations and general stores.

Drinks. I carried three water bottles, one on each side of the fork and another under the down tube. Whether I use all of them depends on conditions and availability of water. I can typically make room in a stem bag for more water or a large bottle of Gatorade when I expect a long dry stretch. I have a small collapsible water bag and a water filter so I can resupply from natural water sources.

Tools and supplies. The lower portion of the frame pack holds bike tools, supplies (Gorilla tape, super glue, a patch kit), and spare parts (brake pads, chain link, zip ties). An extra tube, a small pump, tire sealant, and a small bottle of chain lube. I keep my good bike multitool and a small knife/scissors in a pocket on one of my stem bags for easy access.

Electronics. iPhone. Bike computer. Rear blinker. Headlight (not used). Canon SX720 camera (small camera with a good zoom). All USB rechargeable. A good 13mAh battery (I can go three days on phone, blinker, and bike computer with this). And a spare 6mAh battery, just in case. A corded five-outlet USB charger/adapter. An SD-lightning adapter to load camera pics to phone. And several microUSB cables and a lightning cable for phone (this can fail and is critical, so a spare makes sense). Cables and charger live in a pouch in the utility bag. It didn’t happen on this trip, but on long days I can charge phone and bike computer while I’m riding.

Other Stuff: First aid kit, TP, a small fast-dry towel, shower wipes (wish I’d discovered these years ago). Wallet (in jersey or shirt pocket), a bunch of quarters for showers and car washes. A few paper maps for old times sake and souvenir stickers I pick up along the way. The mesh pockets on the stem bags hold a bike multitool, a small knife/scissors, a small bottle of DEET, hand sanitizer, and sunscreen. I have two sticks of Burt’s Bee’s Wax - one is for chapped lips and the other is for my pedals to keep my cleats/shoes from squeaking (I try to keep the two straight). It’s nice to have this stuff easily accessible and not buried deep in larger bags.

[softspiderling]

put in love and don’t give up | t.h.

Summary: honestly, you never pegged Tom for the kind of guy that ghosts people, but here you are. Ghosted.

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Song I listened to while writing: Harder by Jax Jones feat. Bebe Rexha

Author’s Note: it’s been a hot minute since I last posted a fic and bc @afangirlwashere made me feel bad for not posting shit, I’m back on my update schedule for now. This is somewhat based on a dream I’ve had about tom I hope you enjoy it!!

Warnings: angst, I guess? Also cursing probably

Word Count: 2,4k

gif is not mine!

It’s not like Tom owes you anything.

You went out for a couple of dates and apparently it just wasn’t working out for him. Even though you had thought that the dates were pretty great; you’re interested in the same things, your goals in life are similar and you’re just- on the same wavelength. Or that’s what you had thought.

YOU: Trying to take care of the mess that is my flat but instead I’m on my couch procrastinating by watching a bunch of YouTube videos.

YOU: Someone should take away my phone.

The timestamp on the text tells you that it’s been a whole two weeks since he read it. At first you thought he was busy and he’d text you back when he got the time, but you never received any reply. You had thought about double texting him, maybe he hadn’t replied because the text you had sent didn’t involve a question that’d get him to reply, but if Tom had wanted to keep texting you, he would have found an answer that kept the conversation right? So you fought the urge to send another text, but that didn’t stop you from staring at the texts every now and then when you had the time.

You even tried calling him, but that was just as fruitless; for a minute, you were worried that something had happened to him, but later that day Tom had posted a story from him and Sam at a pub. So he was fine, it’s just you that seemed to have been the problem.

But that’s fine.

You can handle rejection, that’s something you had to get used to when it came to dating in your twenties, but you never would have pegged Tom as a person who would ghost someone instead of just outright telling you that he doesn’t like you as much as you like him. But you really thought he did, with the way he was smiling at you and the interest he had showed in your degree.

It sounds cheesy but you thought he was different. Even though his job kind of scared you off at first, you couldn’t help yourself but fall for the sweet and down to earth guy he still managed to be despite his fame.

With a sigh, you exit out of the text chain and pull up your grocery list, eyes scanning the items in your cart. You’re only missing the milk and butter.

Pushing the cart towards the dairy section, you slide your phone back into the pocket of your jacket and keep your eyes open for your brand of milk, when raucous laughter pulls your attention to the corner where the dairy section meets the frozen section.

Curiously you lean over to find the source of the noise, only to see two familiar looking boys.

Harry, one of Tom’s younger brothers and Tuwaine, one of his best friends joking around next to their carts. You had gotten to know them when Tom invited you out for drinks with them. Another reason that confused you as to why he would introduce you to his brothers and friends if he wasn’t that into you.

“Hey guys,” you greet them, lifting your hand to wave at them awkwardly. Harry’s head perks up when he hears your voice and he smiles goofily at you, while Tuwaine returns the wave as they take a few steps towards you, their sides constantly colliding as if they are unable to walk straight.  

“Hey Y/N,” Harry says, stuffing his hands into his pockets, rocking back and forth on his heel of his feet. “Doing the weekly shopping?”

You nod and gesture towards your cart and its content. “Yeah, uh, just the basic stuff,” you said, narrowing your eyes when you glance into their carts.

“And you’re shopping for a party…?”

“What?” Tuwaine furrows his brows and turns back to look into his cart before turning back to you with a grin.

“No, it’s our basic stuff.”

“Christ,” you wince. “I really hope you’re going to the dentist regularly. I am pretty sure this amount of popsicles isn’t healthy.”

The boys shrug with laughter. “How have you been?” Harry wants to know and you give him a gentle smile.

“Fine. University’s keeping me busy. How are you guys?” you ask, hesitating. “How’s Tom?”

Tuwaine clears his throat awkwardly and Harry jabs his friend in the ribs with a glare. Your cheeks color; their awkwardness and embarrassment confirmed your fear.

So Tom is really ghosting you.

“We’re good. And Tom- he’s busy, working all the time, you know how he is,” Harry says, stumbling over his words.

“Do I though?”

The gentleness in your voice catch the boys off guard and Tuwaine rubs the back of his neck, pressing his lips together in a thin line.

Wow, what on earth moved you to even approach them? This is probably the most awkward situation you’ve ever put yourself into.

“Tom’s being an idiot,” he finally offers. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

You grimace, appreciating his words but it still stings. But doesn’t rejection always sting? But that’s the thing, isn’t it? Tom didn’t even give you the courtesy of a rejection he just straight up started ignoring you.

Waving it off, you smile crookedly at him.

“It’s fine. He’s fine.”

You gesticulate wildly with your hands, to show them how fine it is. Judging by their expressions, it certainly doesn’t seem to convince them. Stilling your hands, you exhale softly.

“I’m not mad or anything,” you then sigh, defeated. “I’m just a little bit disappointed. But I’ll get over it, you guys don’t need to worry about it or anything.”

You thrum your palms against the handle of the cart, smacking your lips together. “Well, this has been enough awkwardness for today. Uhm, I’ll see you guys around?”

Leaving the question hanging in the air, you shoot them a tentative smile; their chorused “Bye Y/N!”s make you sigh. As you turn around the corner, you hear them squabbling and you strain your ears to find out, what it is about.

“Congrats Tuwaine, this was probably the most uncomfortable situation I’ve ever had.”

“What are you looking at me for? It’s not my fault! If it’s anyone’s, it’s Tom’s!”

There’s a pause and you can hear someone sigh.

Then:

“I know it is. He’s just scared, you know how important his privacy is to him. Maybe Harrison can talk to him when he gets back. But I get it though, he’s-“

You almost bump your cart into an old lady, too busy trying to eavesdrop their conversation.

“Young lady!” The lady sends you a menacing glare and you apologize half-heartedly, too distracted by what you’ve just heard.

What was Harry talking about? What did he mean when he said that Tom was scared? You’re confused, you thought you had a clear picture of why he had stopped texting you. Lost in thoughts, you make your way to the check out, and put your groceries on the counter to get rung up.

By the time you get home you still haven’t figured out what it was that Tom is scared of and you almost break your brain trying to think of a logical explanation.

As you’re lying in bed that night, you come to the conclusion that you might never find out what Harry was talking about and see no point in obsessing over something that you are unable to change, so you push the matter in the far back of your mind, hoping that you would soon forget about it. But that is easier said than done, right?

Over the weekend you try your hardest to forget about the encounter with Harry and Tuwaine, stopping your brain from trying to find a solution to Tom’s problem you know nothing about and it’s harder than you thought it would be.

Even your readings for your business class seem to be offering basically no distraction whatsoever, which is why you find yourself at a small café down the street Sunday afternoon. With the sunlight filtering through the window, throwing the busy café in a shade of warm orange, you sit by the window with your text marker, scanning your assigned readings and occasionally marking a passage or two.

“I’m sorry, Miss?”

You look up from your text, your vision a little blurry before finally recognizing the barista standing in front of you with a sheepish smile.

“We’re closing in five minutes,” she tells you and your eyes widen as you take in your surroundings. You’ve been so engrossed in the article you’ve been reading, you hadn’t realized how late it has gotten: the lights have long been turned on in the café and you’ve noticed that all the chairs and tables have been cleared except of the one you’re currently occupying.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” you apologize and scramble your documents together, stuffing them in your bag.

“It’s no problem, really,” the barista gives you a warm smile. “Have a nice evening.”

You shoulder your bag and send her a small wave as you headed through the door.

“Thanks! You too!”

The darkness from outside catches you by surprise and you pull your cardigan tighter around your chest, starting your walk back home. Hearing your stomach grumble, you’re reminded of the lack of food your day has brought and while you turn the corner to your flat, you try to come up with a quick meal with the ingredients you know you have at home.

Rummaging in your bag for your keys as you get closer to your building door, you finally manage to grasp the small fluffy key chain from the depth of your bag and lift your head. That’s when you see Tom sitting on the steps that lead up to the door.

You still and he jumps up, dusting off his pants. He looks tired, the denim jacket was slung tightly around his torso and you’re pressing your lips together before slowly taking a few steps towards him.

“Hey,” you greet him wearily. “What are you doing here?”

Tom rubs the back of his neck. “Hi Y/N. I, uh-“ he gestures towards the steps he’s just been sitting on. “I’ve been waiting for you uh, here. Been here for a while actually. “

“Oh. Why didn’t you call?”

He ducks his hand and his hands disappear into the pockets of his denim jacket. “Wasn’t sure if you’d pick up.”

You look at him with an unreadable expression and the keys dangle from your hand as you unlock the door, keeping it open with the heel of your shoe.

“Do you want to come in?” you ask, and he nods before following you inside and to your flat. He’s uncharacteristically quiet as you close your door behind you and take off your shoes, before moving to your couch, immediately taking refuge under your fluffy blanket.

Tom on the other hand looks like he’s out of place as he stands in the middle of the room, his eyes darting around.

The tension between you two is palpable and even though you know it’s his turn to speak, you’re aware that he’s fighting to bring his thoughts into words.

“You know you didn’t have to come all this way to do this, right?” you finally say, clasping your hands together.

“To do what?”

“I got the hints, Tom and I also rant into Harry and Tuwaine the other day. You’re here to let me down easy,” you say, pulling your knees close to your torso and he gapes at you, slowly moving to sit on the couch, though the distance between you is still there.

“What? No! That’s not why I’m here, why-“ He breaks off, pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance. “What did they tell you?”

You shrug. “That I didn’t do anything wrong and that you’re an idiot?”

“Well, I am an idiot,” Tom admits. “But not for the reason you think, I promise Y/N.”

“So you’re not here to break things off with me?”

He shakes his head and carefully reaches out to touch your hand which is resting on top of your knee. Your pinkie twitches and you eye his fingers inching slowly towards yours, but you don’t move your hand away. Tom takes your hand in his and looks at, his brows furrowed.

“I’m sorry I ignored you,” he says quietly. “It just… It’s so hard dating someone when you work in the movie industry. The media has no respect for your privacy and I really didn’t want to put you in harm’s way, especially with all the people who are weirdly insisting on me and Z being a couple-.”  

You didn’t realize that he felt this way. Even though you knew that he was struggling with all the attention, you thought he could handle it well, but apparently he’s an even better actor than you thought he was.

“I was so conflicted. I like you so much and I thought if I’d push you away, you’d move on. But when Harry told me how lovely you were being, still asking how I was doing even though I was being a jerk to you I realized how childish I was being. That I needed to be honest with you and let you decide for yourself if I am worth it or not.”

Tom chews on his lower lip as his voice quiets down and you squeeze his hand, giving him a soft smile.

“You’re right. You should have been honest with me,” you say. “Even though I am just a basic civilian-“

He snorts out a laugh and you grin at him.

“I can imagine how hard it can be in your line of work. But Tom, I’ve already been thinking of this since our first date. It’s not like I’m going completely blind into this. And you’re worth it, okay? Even if you’re an asshole who ignored me for two weeks.”

He ducks his head sheepishly and you shake your head fondly, moving your legs so he can come closer before he leans in to give you a quick kiss. You barely have the time to react and your cheeks redden, before the two of you lean in for another kiss.

Pulling away, Tom lets out a soft sigh and leans his forehead against yours.

“Thanks for giving me a second chance, Y/N. My brothers would have kicked my butt for losing someone as great as you.”

You shrug with your shoulders, a pleased smile on your face. So you did leave a good impression on Harry, despite your initial awkwardness.

“And you would have deserved it,” you point out and he grins, looping his arms around your waist.

“Trust me, I know.”

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[thewalkingdead-fan101]

In this hell Daryl Dixon X Reader part 2/??

Hey guys! Part one received so much more feedback than I was expecting!! Thank you all so much!! :)

And a big thank you to @samnoel3​ for giving me one of the ideas for this chapter! Hopefully you all enjoy this part!

Warnings- Blood tests, medical procedures, swearing?

“(Y/n)... (Y/n), wake up.” I felt a hand on my shoulder, making me jump as I open my eyes. “It’s just me, calm down.” Daryl spoke next to me. Turning my head I look at him. “How long have I been asleep for?” “About 45 minutes.” “Damn, I didn’t mean to doze off, sorry.” He just shrugged in response. Returning my head to rest against the window, I watch the trees.

Greens, yellows and browns all slightly blurring together as we trail behind the others along the deserted road, with the occasional walker along the side, stumbling, looking for its next feast.

Turning back towards Daryl, I brung my legs up and rested my knees to my chest.

“Stop ya staring.” “I’m not-“ “Hey everyone, we’re almost there. We have about 10 minutes left on the road.” Rick spoke through the static of the radio.

A comfortable silence fills the truck. The only sound i can hear is the wind from outside of Daryl’s open window, his arm resting on its frame.

“What do you think we’re going to find?” “I don’t know.” “Maybe the CDC is fine, and the scientists are already working on a cure for whatever this is.” “Nah, Probably just a bunch of pricks in white coats.” “Let’s try to be positive about this. They could have food, water and shelter for us, even medicine.” “Don’t get ya hopes high.” I sighed, putting my hands over my face. “I know. It would be too good to be true.”

It didn’t take much longer for us to reach our destination. Everyone pulled up outside of a giant curved building. Getting out of our vehicles, surrounded by an urban battlefield. Dead soldiers were everywhere, some shot in the head, others were half-eaten corpses, the streets were littered by mass death.

Other bodies lined the steps to the CDC. They obviously went hand to hand with the countless walkers filling the street. A massacre on both sides.

I looked around, Carol was holding Sophia close, Lori next to Carl taking in the horrific sight. Jacqui stood, staring in shock, Dale shaking his head in disbelief. Glenn was looking at Rick and Shane, then he looks at T-dog as if to ask “what now?” Carl was watching his father who was taking everything in. I felt Daryl pull me slightly closer.

A gunshot rang out, making the group jump. I turned to the source, looking at Shane who had fired his gun at a walker. We all started to run to the entrance of the CDC as more walkers made their way toward us. Rick started to press buttons to the doors, but it's all dead. As a last resort, he pounds on the door. "There's nobody here." T-dog sighed. I took in the situation that we are now in, the doors are locked, no one is in there, it's going to be dark soon and were surrounded by the dead.

"You led us here! The hell were ya thinking?" Daryl yelled. "He made a call." Lori defended her husband. "He led us to a dead end." Carol said "What are we going to do now?" Dale asked "Dammit!" T-dog sighed. "We should have gone with Morales." Carol said in frustration. "Carol...." Lori sighed. "There is nothing here." Dale sighed. "You're done man, I ain't listening to you!" Daryl scoffed. Rick stood frozen. "Let's not start turning on each other." Shane tried. "This was a mistake." Jacqui stated. "Since that guy showed up it's been one mistake after another." Daryl snapped at Shane. Rick kept banging on the doors. "Man! There is nobody here!" T-dog yelled at rick. Everyone started yelling at Rick, trying to get him away from the doors. “Guys! This isn't going to work!" I yelled at them getting their attention. "We have to go someplace safe!" I said once they were all looking at me. "I agree." Carol said. We started to walk away.

"Did you see that? The camera moved!” Rick stated. He walked up to the camera and started to talk. "If you can hear me...please, help us. We have women and children, no food and no where to go, if you don't let us in, you're killing us... Please." Shane pulled rick back. "Maybe the cameras are still working, but everyone's dead." Shane said. "No, Shane, the cameras here only work if someone is controlling them. Dad taught me this when he took me to work with him before he died." I piped up, looking at the camera. "But they won't open up, it isn't any use." We gave up and started to leave.

As soon as we reached the stairs, we heard the doors open, as we turned around we were met with a bright light.

We all readied ourselves with a weapon, but walked in with caution. "Daryl, you cover the back." Shane ordered "Hello?" One of us called out. "Watch those doors, watch for walkers." Dale said. I smiled as the blast of the cool air conditioning hit me, breathing out a chuckle.

"Hello?" An unfamiliar voice broke out. I seen tense up and he raised his crossbow. Everyone looked toward where he was now pointing the crossbow, holding their guns up.

A man in his mid 40's entered, aiming a gun at us, He had short strawberry blonde hair and green eyes, he was sporting black pants and a grey tee.

"Anybody infected?" "One of our group was..he didn't make it." Rick replied. "Why are you here? What do you want?" The man asked "Well, I for one just want safety!" I shot now slightly exasperated. Lori chuckled. Rick glanced at me..

"A chance. We all want a chance." "Well that's asking an awful lot these days.." The man said "I know." Rick answered. There was a moment of silence, our group was watching him intensely, him watching back. "You all submit to a blood test, that's the price of admission " He told us. "We can do that." Rick said. I let out a shaky breath. "You got stuff to bring in, do it now. Once that door closes it stays closed." He told us sternly. Daryl, Glenn ,Rick and Shane ran outside and got some stuff. Once they returned the man pressed the button.

"Vi, seal the main entrance, kill the power up here." He ordered. The door had sealed up and the power went down. "Rick grimes" Rick had told him "Dr Edwin Jenner." He got us to follow him into an elevator, a huge one at that. "Do doctors always go around packing heat like that?" Daryl asked. "Well there were plenty left lying around, so I familiarised myself. Besides, you all look harmless enough." He said. "Except you. I'll have to keep my eye on you." He smiled at Carl, making him laugh slightly.

Once the elevator stopped, we walked out, into a white bricked hallway. "Are we underground?" Carol asked. "You claustrophobic?" "A little." She answered "Try not to think about it." It was silent for a few minutes until we reached a dark room. "Vi, bring up the lights in the big room." Jenner called out. The room was as he described... big. "Welcome to zone five." "Where is everybody? The other doctors? The staff?" Rick asked. "I'm it. it's just me here." "What about the person you were speaking with? Vi?" Lori asked "Vi, say hello to our guests, tell them.... Welcome" Jenner said looking at us all. "Hello, guests. Welcome." A female AI Boomed through the room. "I am all that's left." Jenner said sadly. We were all silent for a moment. "I'm sorry." He said. I stood forward. "Why are you sorry?” I asked. "I know that you guys were expecting more people, follow me." He replied stalking off. We all followed and entered the room he had led us to.

Everyone has had their blood taken, besides myself and Andrea. "Your up." Jenner said looking at me. I nodded and sat down. "I take it you don't like needles?" "They aren’t my favourite thing." I replied in a whisper. "Just close your eyes and relax." Jenner instructed I felt the sting for a short while and got up, moving to sit next to Lori.

"What's the point? If we were infected we'd all be running a fever." Andrea stated. "I've already broken every rule in the book letting you in here, let me just at least be thorough." He smiled. "All done." He stated. Andrea got up and almost fell. "Are you alright?" "She hasn't eaten in days.. None of us have." Jacqui answered Jenner. He smiled softly. "Come with me."

We did as instructed and we followed him to a room with a decently big wooden table in the middle surrounded by chairs. "All of you sit." We did as instructed and after about 10 minutes he served plates with cooked vegetables and small steaks. "Here you go." He said after serving all of us. "Thanks." I smiled. Him nodding in response. I sat in between Shane and Jenner. Daryl standing up with Glenn. I was laughing and smiling among everyone else, when Lori agreed to have some wine. "You know in Italy, children have a little bit of wine with dinner." Dale spoke pouring Lori a glass. "And France." He added "Yeah, well when Carl is in Italy or France he can have some then." She said glancing at me smiling then looking to her husband. "What's it gonna hurt? Come on. Come on." Rick laughed. Lori smiled slowly, lifting her hand off of Carl's glass, letting Dale pour some in. "There you are young lad." Dale smiled handing him his cup. We all looked towards Carl, watching as he took his first and only sip. "Eeew!" He exclaimed pushing the glass away. Making us all laugh. "That's my boy. That's my boy." Lori smiled patting his shoulder. "Good choice" I chuckled. "Yuck, that tastes nasty." He said shaking his head. "Stick to soda pop there, bud." Shane said. "Not you Glenn." Daryl spoke up. "What?" "You're drinking little man, I wanna see how red your face can get." Daryl laughed. Making Glenn look away laughing as we all joined in.

"Why aren't you having any?" Jenner whispered in my ear. "I've never been a big drinker." I smiled. "It's also not good for the baby." I whispered into his ear. He looked stunned for a second. "I wasn't sure." "I am." “I take it Daryl is the father?” "Yeah. He is.. I am lucky to have him." "No, He is lucky to have you." I looked at my plate, a small blush appearing. “I have some old medical equipment in storage, I can bring some out tomorrow if you would want me to. Give you a proper more thorough check up.” “That���s really nice, I don’t expect you to-“ “It’s no hassle.” I heard the tinker of a glass, we looked at rick. "It seems to me we haven't thanked our host properly." Rick announced. "He is more than just our host." T-dog spoke a bit tipsy. "Hear, hear!" Dale spoke. We all raised our glasses to Jenner. "Booyah!" Daryl said raising the bottle he adopted. Rick whispered a thank you. Jenner nodding in response. "Thank you Jenner. For letting us stay here, and for feeding us." I laughed. "It's no problem." He said sipping his wine.

"So when are you gonna tell us what the hell happened here doc?" Shane asked. "All the- All the other doctors figuring out what happened, where the hell are they?" Shane added. "We're celebrating Shane, we dont need to do this now." Rick spoke "Woah, hang on a second. That's why we're here, right?" Shane asked. "This was your move, supposed to find all the answers. Instead we found him." Shane scoffed. "We found one man. Why?" He asked again. The room went silent. "Jenner you don-" I tried "Well, when things got bad, a lot of people just.... Left. Went off to be with their families. And when things got worse, when the military cordon got overrun, the rest bolted." Jenner said. "Every last one?" Shane interrupted. "No, Many couldn't face walking out the door. They... Opted out. There was a rash of suicides. That was a bad time." Jenna finished "You didn't leave. Why?" Andrea asked. "I just kept working. Hoping... To do some good." "Way to kill a good mood Shane." I said venom in my words. "Dude, you are such a buzz-kill, man." Glenn stated. Everyone sat eating in silence. "Everyone, i'll show you to where you all can sleep." Jenner said standing up.

He led us to a hallway. "Most of the facility is powered down, including housing, so you'll have to make do here. The couches are comfortable, but there are cots in storage if you'd like them. And there's a rec room down the hall that you kids might enjoy. Just don't plug in the video games of anything that draws power. Same applies if you shower, go easy on the hot water." He finished walking away. Glenn looked over to T-dog. "Hot water?" Glenn asked smiling. "Well, that is what the man said." T-dog answered. "I found you a room." Jenner said  leading me into a room that had a futon folded out with blankets and pillows. "I hope you will be comfortable." "Jenner as long as I have pillows i'll be fine. And thank you." He nodded his head and walked away. I look over to see Daryl walk over. "What did he want?" He sniggered. "Nothing, he was being friendly, that's all." "A little too friendly." He mumbled. "What was that?" I asked. "I saw ya flirting at dinner." He snapped. I shook my head and scoffed. "You know what, think what you want to. I am having a shower." I said grabbing a towel and pushing past him.
 I entered the bathroom and got into the shower. I felt the warm droplets of water run down my body. I closed my eyes and relaxed. After a minute my body tensed up as I felt someone put their arms around my waist from behind. "He was flirting with ya." "Daryl...” He went to say something but I butted in. "You know, you don't have to be jealous of Jenner, I'm having YOUR baby. Not his. I am YOURS. Not his." I said turning around and giving him a small peck. He kissed back. "Here, let me wash your back."  He said turning me around and putting soap on my back then rinsing it off. "I'll do yours." I did the same thing. We got out and dried ourselves getting dressed, then exiting the bathroom. “Goodnight everyone." I called out, getting a chorus of responses back. Daryl and I went to our room and shut the door. I laid back on the futon, watching curiously as Daryl locked the door. “What are you doing?” “Making sure we ain’t gonna get interrupted.” He stalked over. “Ohhh, and what is so important that needs no interruptions?” I played along as he sat down. “You know what.” He smirked as he crawled his way over to me.

I woke up the next morning, looking over at the clock on the wall reading 9:00 am, Daryl still sound asleep. I got up and changed into my jeans, pulling on a black singlet top. I quietly put my boots on making sure not to wake Daryl. I unlocked the door and walked out to where we had dinner last night, to see Lori, Carl, Rick, Glenn, Dale and Jacqui were seated. "Just in time to have some amazing powdered eggs, cooked by T-dog." Lori smiled. "Thanks." I said sitting down as he put some on a plate for me. I looked over to Glenn and saw him hanging over his plate, groaning in disgust. "Take it you won't drink again." I chuckled. "Shut up, you're lucky, you didn’t drink." Glenn looked up with a small smile. "I've never been a big drinker.”

"Hey." Shane said walking into the room. Everyone greeted Shane but me. I ate a little bit of food and got up and left before Shane could even talk to me. "Shane. I'll go." I heard Lori say standing up. I heard footsteps running toward me. "Come with me honey." Lori said guiding me to her room. She sat me on the lounge with her. "What was that about?" She asked. "Shane, his behaviour last night... He made Jenner talk about something that had obviously hurt him. Like cant he learn to not be so self centred?" "Honey, He is your brother, he was asking that stuff to protect you and to protect the group. But the way he said it and the way he made it come out was I’ll admit rude." I nodded my head. "How'd you sleep?" Lori asked me smirking. "Yeah, Fine. Why?" I looked at her face, she was trying to keep a straight face. "Oh god!, were we loud?" "No, I walked past and heard it. But I was the only one awake, I checked for you. Just be happy Shane didn't hear, otherwise the door would be broken." She chuckled. "Come on, let's go back, or the others will think something's up." I nodded and started to walk when I started to bolt for the bathroom. I ran in and hovered over the toilet, throwing up everything I've eaten in the past 24 hours. After a few minutes of torture, I got up, flushed the toilet, went to the basin and rinsed my mouth out, wiping my face. "Let me help you." I heard Lori say, helping me get up. I looked at Lori. "Thanks." She nodded.

We walked out slowly to the dining area. "Sit down." "You okay?” Everyone asked. “Im just Peachy." I smiled softly. "What's for breakfast?" Daryl asked walking out. "Have the rest of mine.” I said handing him my plate. "I can't eat it. T-dog it's not the eggs, thank you so much, but the baby just can't stand it." "It's all good." He smiled. I looked at Daryl to see him already half done with the plate. “Good Morning." Jenner said walking into the room grabbing coffee. "Hey doc." “Good morning." I smiled.

"Doc, I don't mean to slam you with questions first thing." Dale piped up "But you will anyway." "We didn't come here for the eggs." Andrea stated. "Guys. He just woke -" "It's alright. Come on." He said taking his coffee to go. We followed him to the big room 'zone five' as he called it. "Vi, give me a playback of TS19." "Playback of TS19" Vi responded.

The screen turned on, with an X-ray of a head on it. "Very few people got a chance to see this." It focused more on the brain. "Is that a brain?" Carl asked looking at Jenner. "An extraordinary one, Not that it matters in the end." Jenner replied. "Vi, take us in for EIV." "Enhanced internal view" Vi replied. The video moved so that the person was laying down, Then it went into the brain. "What are those lights?" Shane asked looking at the flashing lights moving from the brain stem. "It's a persons life, experiences, memories, it's everything. Somewhere in all that organic wiring, all those ripples of light, is you. The thing that makes you unique and human." Jenner explained. "You don't make sense ever?" Daryl asked. "Those are synapses, electric impulses in the brain that carry all the messages. They determine everything a person says, does or thinks from the moment of birth to the moment of death." Jenner explained more. "Death? That's what this is? A vigil?" Rick asked. "Yes, Or rather the, Playback of the vigil." Jenner replied. "This person died? Who?" Andrea asked. "Test subject 19. Someone who was bitten and infected, and volunteered to have us... Record the process… Vi, scan forward to the first event." "Scanning to first event." It took us back to  where the test subject was laying down, but the stem of the brain all black. "What is that?" Glenn asked. "It invades the brain like meningitis. The adrenal glands haemorrhage, the brain goes into shutdown, then the major organs, then death." The subject stopped moving and the whole brain was black. "Everything you ever were or ever will be… Gone." Andrea put her head down, I walked up to her and gave her a side hug. "Is that what happened to Jim?" Sophia asked. "Yes." Carol admitted. I lost tears as well as Andrea did, for all of the people we lost. "She lost somebody two days ago, her sister." Lori spoke up. Jenner walked over to us. "I lost somebody too. I know how devastating it is... Scan to the second event." "Scanning to second event." "Resurrection times vary wildly. We have reports of it happening in as little as three minutes. The longest we heard of was eight hours… In the case of this patient, it was two hours one minute and seven-seconds." We looked back to the screen. From the core of the brain little red flickers were spread out across the stems of the brain. "It restarts the brain?" Lori asked. "No, just the brain cell." Jenner responded. "Basically it gets them up and moving." Jenner finished. "But they're not alive." Rick said "You tell me." Jenner said. "It's nothing like before. Most of that brain is dark." Rick answered "Dark, lifeless, dead. The frontal lobes, the human part, that doesn't come back, the 'you' part. It's just a shell, driven by a lifeless instinct." Jenner finished. I looked back up at the screen to see something tear thought the subjects head. "God! What was that?" Carol asked. "He shot his patient in the head. Didn't you?" Andrea asked. "Vi, power down the main screen. And the work stations." Jenner ordered. "Powering down main screen and work stations." "You have no idea what it is, do you?" Andrea asked. "It could be microbial, viral, parasitic, fungal." Jenner stated. "Or the wrath of god." Jacqui said, tears brimming in her eyes. "There is that." Jenner agreed "Somebody must know something. Somebody somewhere" Andrea answered. "There are others right? Other facilities?" "There may be some... People like me." Jenner stated. "How can you not know?" Rick asked "Everything went down. Communications, directives, all of it, I've been in the dark for almost a month." Jenner said calmly. "So it's not just here? There's nothing left anywhere. Nothing, That is what you're really saying, right?" Andrea asked Jenner stayed silent. Andrea scoffed. "Jesus..." Jacqui sighed. "Man, I'm gonna get shit faced drunk again." Daryl sighed "Dr Jenner, I know taxing for you, and I hate to ask one more question, but... That clock. It's counting down, what happens at zero?" Dale asked. We all exchanged looks and then waited for his answer. "The... Basement generators, they run out of fuel." "And then?."Rick asked. Jenner wouldn't respond. "Vi, what happens when the power runs out?" Rick asked. "When power runs out, facility-wide decontamination will occur." We all exchanged looks. Glenn, rick, Shane and T-dog went to find fuel and to check it all out.

Jenner looked over at me, and motioned his head back to follow him. I grabbed Daryls arm and dragged him along. He led us to what looked like an office, with paper strewn across the desk. “What do ya want?” Daryl asked once we entered. “I’m bringing you guys both in for a more thorough check up on your Foetus.” Daryl raised his brow. “That means baby.” Jenner corrected. “I know what it means.” Daryl growled in response. Causing Jenner to raise both hands in Defense. “Daryl. Please.” I looked at him. “Fine.” He shook his head and pouted. Jenner opened the door to a conjoining room, dragging in a bulky monitor and ultrasound system. “It’s a bit old and outdated, but it will still get the job done.” He chuckled as he shut the door once again. “Just sit on the recliner, and recline back, lift your shirt and I bottom your jeans.” Jenner instructed, I sat in the recliner and did as instructed. “Hold on a second!” Daryl tried to cover me. “Daryl, calm down. I only need access to the abdomen. This is professional. I can not do this if you prevent me from doing so.” Jenner responded. Daryl only huffed in response. “I’m sure you know what comes next?” “The gel. I should brace myself? Probably will be cold.” He nodded. Gently he squirted the gel onto my abdomen, then rubbed the wand over it. On the screen we seen a grey area, with a little black area in the centre. “What’s that? Is that the baby?” Daryl asked. “That‘s the gestational sac, and that tiny little bean is the baby. It looks like you’re 5 weeks along, I’m no gynaecologist but that little flicker there is a heartbeat, it’s to early to hear it but you can see it.” I looked up to see Daryl staring at the screen. He was unreadable, as always, but looking at him in this moment, all I can feel is love and adoration. “Everything seems to be fine. And we’re done.” “Thank you so much for this. It means a lot.” “Your welcome.” He nodded, taking the monitor back. I wiped the gel off of my stomach, feeling happier than I probably should be considering what’s going on in the world. “It feels more real now.” I stared as I did my button back up and moved my shirt back down. “Yeah.” Daryl sighed. “I need to speak with the mother to be.” Jenner stated. “I’ll meet ya back at the room okay?” I asked Daryl, in response nodded and left.

“What’s happening Jenner?” “I spoke to your leader last night, Rick?” I nodded. “No matter how you die, you always come back as one of them.” “What?” “Everyone is infected... This pregnancy is dangerous. We can’t be sure that the baby is or isn’t infected.” “Jenner?” “It’s an air-borne virus. We can’t be sure that the infection hasn’t already or won’t infect the baby.” “Whatever it is that you’re insinuating, please-“ “What happens if it dies in your womb and it is infected? It could tear you apart from the inside. What if you die before it’s born? You’d kill it. I can help you get rid of it.” “Look I appreciate everything Jenner. But I’ve got to go.” I replied. “There’s no way that this ends good.” He called out as I left the room. I found an unused area. Sitting down I let out the breath I didn’t even know I was holding. I gave myself 15 minutes to calm down before meeting Daryl back in our room.

I laid on the bed reading a book, with Daryl sitting up drinking. The air conditioning stopped and the lights all turned off. "Daryl?" "Yeah." "What just happened?" I asked putting the book aside, getting up off the bed and going into the hall. I saw Jenner walk down towards my room. Everyone asking questions and following behind him. "What's going on? Why'd it turn off?" Daryl asked hanging out the door, bottle in his hand, Jenner stealing it from him. "Energy Is being prioritised" Jenner said. "Air isn't a priority? And light?" Dale asked. "It isn't up to me." Jenner started. "Zone five is shutting itself Down." Jenner continued. I looked into Daryl's eyes, I know he could see the worry my eyes held. "What the hell does that mean?" Daryl asked. Jenner ignored him. "Hey, man, I'm talking to you! What do you mean Shutting itself down? How can a building do anything?" Daryl asked "You'd be surprised." Jenner said. We looked over the railing.

"Rick!" Lori called. We all followed Jenner down the stairs to where rick and the others were. "Jenner! What is happening?" Rick asked. "The system is dropping down all non-essential uses of power. It is designed to keep the computers running to the last possible second. As soon as we approach the half hour mark, right on schedule." Jenner said. It was all silent then Jenner gave daryl back the bottle. "It was the French." Jenner randomly said. "What?" Andrea and I asked. "They were the last ones to hold out as far as I know. While our people were bolting up the doors and committing suicide in the halls, they stayed in the labs working until the very end, they thought they were close to a solution…” "What happened?" Asked Jacqui. "The same thing that is happening here. No power grid. Ran out of juice. The world runs on fossil fuel. I mean, how stupid is that?" "Let me tell you." Shane started getting aggravated. "To hell with it Shane, I don't even care! Lori get our things. Everybody, We're getting out of here now!" Rick ordered. An alarm started sounding. "30 minutes til decontamination." Vi said. "Doc, what's going on here dammit?" Shane asked "Everybody! Get your stuff! Let's go now!" Rick yelled "Let's go!" T-dog said. I was with Lori  and Carl when we ran to the exit when it slammed down, Carl pulling me back just as it started to. "Did he just lock us in? He just locked us in!" Glenn started to panic. "Carl!" "Mom!" "You son of a bitch!" Daryl yelled running at Jenner. "Shane! Shane!" Rick yelled. “No! Stop! Don't!" Shane yelled at Daryl. I started slowly walking over to where Jenner was, as I heard screaming and yelling. "Jenner, open that door now!" Rick demanded. "There's no point."  Jenner replied. "Everything topside is locked down, the emergency exits are sealed." "Well, open the damn things!" Dale yelled "That's not something I control. The computers do. I told you once that front door closed it wouldn't open again you heard me say that. It's better this way." Jenner stated. "What is? What happens in 28 minutes?" Rick asked. "What happens in 28 minutes?" He yelled loudly to Jenner "Do you know what this place is? We protected the public from very nasty stuff! Weaponised small pox! Ebola to wipe out half of the country! Stuff you don't want getting out! Ever!" Jenner finished screaming. "In the event of a catastrophic power failure and a terrorist attack. For example, HITs are deployed to prevent any organisms getting out." "HITs?" Rick asked. "Vi-" "It's High-impulse thermobaric Fuel-air explosives." I answered. Everyone looked at me. "It consists of a two stage aerosol ignition that produces a blast wave of significantly greater power and duration than any other known explosive except nuclear. The vacuum pressure ignites the oxygen between 5000 and 6000 degrees and is useful when the greatest loss of life and damage is desired." Vi finished. "It sets the air on fire. No pain, and end to sorrow. Grief, Regret, Everything." My head turned and I looked at Daryl. He threw the bottle at the door. "Open this damn door!" I looked to Jenner, then over to Lori who held Carl protectively in her arms, scared. My hands went to my stomach and rested there for a brief moment. I started to think.

I'll never get to see my baby, never get to hold it. Watch it grow up or anything. After everything he said to me, it’s all put in perspective. When he said he could help get rid of it this is what he meant?

I walked over to Jenner. "Jenner, please open the door. Do it for me! I want my baby to live. Sophia and Carl are too young to die!" He just ignored me. My hands collided with his chest, pushing him back, causing Shane to grab me and move me away. "Jenner don't ignore me! Test subject 19 was your wife!” I yelled from Shane’s arms. Causing everyone to shut up for a moment. “Now you're going to take away mothers as well as fathers! Daughters as well as sons! Sisters as well as brothers and wives as well as husbands! You're taking our choice away! Don't do this! It's not what you want! It's not what she would want!" I continued.

Shane gave me to dale, and he held onto me. He grabbed an axe as did, Daryl and started to hit the door. "You should have left it all alone, it would have been so much easier." Jenner said. "Easier for who?” "All of you, you know what's out there, a short brutal life, and an agonising death. Your sister, What was her name?" "Amy" "Amy, You know what this does, you've seen it. Is that really what you want for your wife and son?" Jenner asked Rick. "I don't want this!" Rick answered. "I can't make a dent." "Those doors were designed to withstand a rocket launcher." "Your head ain't!" Daryl stated going for him. I stood in front as the guys pushed him away. "Daryl!" "Daryl!" "Just back up!" "Daryl, he isn't worth it. " I told him. "You do want this…” Jenner said to rick. “You said you knew it was just a matter of time before everyone you loved was dead." He finished. "You really said that? After your big talk?" Shane asked. "I had to keep hope alive didn't i?" Rick answered. “There is no hope. There never was." "There's always hope, maybe not you but somebody, somewhere." "What part of everything's gone don't you understand?" Andrea asked. "Andrea…” "Listen to your friend she gets it. This is what takes us down. This is our extinction event." "Jenner! Listen to me! You don't have to do this." I said "This isn't right! You can't just keep us here!" Carol cried. "One tiny moment, a millisecond, no pain." "My daughter doesn't deserve to die like this!" "Wouldn't it be kinder? More compassionate to hold your loved ones and wait for the clock to run down?" I heard a gun click. My attention went to Shane, holding his rifle. "Shane no!" Rick pushed him away. "Out of my way Rick!" Shane yelled "Now you open that door or I'm gonna blow your head off! You hear me?" Shane yelled. "Brother, you do this, we'll never get out of here."Rick said "Shane! You listen to him!" Lori yelled. "If he dies, we all die!" Rick yelled as Shane screamed. Shane moved the gun and shot at the computers. "Shane!." Rick yelled. He wouldn't listen so Rick grabbed the gun and pinned him to the ground. "Are you done now? Are you done?" Rick asked. "Yeah, I guess we all are." Shane replied. It was silent for a few seconds

"I think you're lying..." Rick started. “What? " Jenner asked. "You're lying. About having no hope. If that were true you would have bolted with the rest taking the easy way out. You didn't. You chose the hard path. Why?" "It doesn't matter." "It does matter, it always matters. You stayed when the others ran. Why?" "Not because I wanted to. I made a promise." "Yeah, to your wife." "I'm surprised that (Y/n) guessed it. How'd you know?" "The way you looked at the footage. The ring on your finger and the picture in the office and in the room you gave Daryl and I. I'm not stupid, I connected the dots." I replied. "She begged me to keep going as long as I could, how could I say no? She was dying. It should have been me on that table. It wouldn't have mattered. She was a loss to the world. Hell, she ran this place, I just worked here. In our ripe old she was an Einstein, Me? I’m just Edwin Jenner. She could have done something about this, Not me." Jenner said “Your wife didn't have a choice. You do. That's... That's all that we want a choice, a chance." Rick said. "Let us keep trying as long as we can." Lori piped in Jenner looked at me. Then where my hands were gently against my abdomen. "Please Jenner." I said for everyone to hear. " I told you topside is locked down. I can't open those." Jenner said staring at us all. Happy tears started to form in my eyes. The door opened. And I walked to Jenner and kissed his cheek. "Thank you, goodbye." I turned and started to walk away. "You're one of the reasons I opened the door you know… You are exactly like my wife was." He smiled gently.

"Babe! Let's go!" Daryl yelled. I ran toward the exit and daryl grabbed my hand. "Come on! Move it! Move it!" Everyone yelled. Rick and Jenner talked for a minutes and them Rick ran toward us. "Come on! Four minutes left!" Glenn yelled. "Let's go Jacqui! " T-dog yelled "I'm staying! I'm staying sweetie." Jacqui said making T-dog to let go. "What? No!" I cried. "But that's insane!" T-dog said. "No! It's completely sane for the first time in a long time! I'm not ending up like Jim and Amy!" She cried. We all looked at her. "There's no time to argue, and no point. Not if you want to get out. Just get out. Get out!" She yelled. "Hey dog, come on, man. Come on! Let's go, come on!" Shane said grabbing him. "I'm staying too." I heard Andrea. "Andrea, no!" We looked at dale and he looked at us. "Just go! Go!" "Dale!" "Go!" He yelled again. "Come on!" Rick yelled as we all ran. We ran up the flights of stairs quick. "Get the doors open! Come on!" Shane yelled. "It doesn't work!" Glenn yelled. "Wait a minute! Try it!" T-dog said after pressing some buttons. "Daryl!" Shane yelled grabbing an axe and hitting the windows. Daryl next to him. "Stay close to us sweetie." Carol said to Sophia. "Dog forget it!" Shane yelled at t-dog T-dog screamed hitting the window with a chair. "Dog! Get down! Down!" Shane yelled at everyone pumping shots from the python at the window. "Jesus!" Shane exclaimed. "The glass won't break?" Sophia asked. "Rick I have something that might help!" Carol said going through her bag. "Carol, I don't think a nail file will do it." "Shane! Shut up!” I snapped "Look your first morning at camp, when I washed your uniform, I found this in your pocket." She said handing him a grenade. He took it. He pulled the pin and dropped it next to the window. "Oh sh..." Rick yelled running toward us. The grenade went off and  the window shattered.

We all ran out, the guys shooting the walkers that were stumbling towards us. We all made it to the vehicles, getting into them. I saw Andrea and dale duck behind a post. "Get down!" Daryl yelled. We both Ducked down in the truck, Daryl protecting my body with his. There was a shake, and I could hear the sound of glass breaking, I could feel the heat. “It’s clear.” Daryl sighed after slowly lifting himself off of my body. Looking up I see what was the CDC, up in flames, Andrea and dale got into the RV. Everyone in-front  started to drive once again. Daryl  followed carols Cherokee, Shane behind us.

Once we were on the road I felt Daryl's hand on my thigh. "What did that guy say to ya in there after he opened the door?" "All he said to me was I reminded him of his wife." Daryl scoffed, removing his hand. The rest of  the drive was quiet. The RV pulled over, at a station just out of town.

"Okay guys we need to ditch some vehicles and siphon gas out of the ones we're abandoning." Rick said. We all nodded and Daryl got Merle’s motorcycle off of the back of the truck, getting the fuel out of the truck that I have grown fond of. T-dog ditched his van, Shane left his jeep. “(Y/n), I don't think that the baby will like the motorcycle... So you're going in the RV with Dale, Glenn, Shane, T-dog and Andrea. Daryl you're covered. Carol, Lori and the kids with me in the Cherokee. Is there a Problem?" Rick asked. "Not at all.” I looked at Daryl, I walked over and kissed him. "Please, be safe." "You know I don't need to be." I rolled my eyes. "Daryl, you take the lead." I got into the RV and laid in one of the beds in the back, picking up the book from before and continued reading, Feeling the RV pull out and back onto the road. That’s when we left Atalanta... This time, for good. Series Masterlist Next Part

[ut-sudden-changes]

Deltarune Chapter 2: My take

I made these awhile ago but never found the right time to post them, and since Toby has already posted stuff on twitter about his plans, I thought I might as well. This is just a fanfic basically, obvious Deltarune Chapter 1 spoilers in bound.

Chapter 2 would start off with Kris waking up and easily getting out of bed, they flash a smile at the still trapped soul which you control and leave through the door. After a few seconds you can oscillate between left and right to eventually topple the wagon over, opening the cage door and letting you escape. You can’t change rooms due to just being a soul, so you move the soul under Asriel’s bed, now in control of your new vessel.

Asriel’s old plush, Snuffles. Obvious everyman reference in design also. As you make your way through the house, there’s a little escape gameplay element where you need to leave without being noticed by Toriel. Snuffles is hard to control, and can occasionally flop over if moved too fast. It’s made obvious that this is not a preferred vessel but currently it’s the only option you’ve got.

Your goal is to take back control.

Managing to leave the house, you shamble your way but collapse in front of the gated entrance to Noelle’s home, some time passes and Noelle finds your plushy bottom fallen on the street. 

She’s wondering who lost their toy, and thinks the kid who lost this must be feeling pretty sad right now. She briefly mentions having to go see Kris and Susie since they want to show her something, and so she doesn’t have the time to find the kid who owns this. She thinks aloud about bringing this to the lost and found at the police station. 

Noelle carries the plush to the police station, Undyne opens the door, Napstablook can be heard telling her that it isn’t office hours but Undyne tells them to sit tight since it’ll be quick. Noelle says she wants to hand over the plush to the police since somebody lost it. Undyne replies something like “Hell yeah! I’ve been wanting to buy a new punching bag!” This throws Noelle off and she reconsiders handing you to the police and instead is walking closer to the school while still holding on to the plush.

As she is walking, a familiar theme can be heard getting louder and louder, until BAM. Noelle loses her balance, falls, and the plush flies out of her hands and into a bush. She is knocked out.

Who is the person who accidently knocked her out? Why it’s the average at best Papyrus!

Papyrus drops Noelle off at the clinic to heal, but accidentally (or maybe not) keeps the plush. The scene jumpcuts to Papyrus in the school in the classroom full of random cards. He puts Snuffles down next to the Seam plush, and starts cleaning the room up, talking aloud how he’s doing a favor for his brother. He talks about how his brother is going to be starting a new job as a teacher here, making a callback to the line “haven’t you heard of a guy with multiple jobs?”.

Kris comes into the room, this is the hangout session they promised to do yesterday. Papyrus introduces himself, and Kris actually talks.

Papyrus talks abit about himself to liven the mood. Kris talks about how it’s a good thing that everything is being moved into a single place, but mentions how they hope nothing gets lost. As Kris looks through the items in the room, they pause when they end up at Snuffles. They ask Papyrus where he got this plush, Papyrus responds saying he picked it up from one of Santa’s henchmen, Kris mentions how “odd” that is-- this is their brother’s favorite stuff animal. It’s a precious family heirloom. One would perish the thought of breaking into the Dreemurr household and stealing this prized possession which holds so much value.

It might end up horribly if that person didn’t consider the consequences of their actions.

Papyrus laughs it off, and thinks that they’ve spent enough time cleaning the room. Sans can do the rest himself! Papyrus asks if Kris would want to go on a picnic with him in the other part of town, Papyrus being the amazing friend candidate he is had a picnic prepared filled with his favorite dish-- pizza.

Kris humbly denies, saying that they have prior plans with a few friends but hopes Papyrus goes anyway just to enjoy themselves and possibly see some more of the town.

Papyrus is disheartened but says it’s fine. The scene jumps to Papyrus having a picnic set in the park, and Papyrus starts talking to Snuffles. Papyrus is talking to the plush as if it were alive, like you would a stuffed teddy bear, and the Player is able to answer prompts to imply emotions. Each time you answer a question, Papyrus drinks some more orange soda, and when he’s gouging around in the picnic basket to try and find some you are given control over the plush again.

You move closer to the water, and there is somebody waiting for you.

Not a single word is spoken. You know what you have to do. You have an appointment you promised yesterday to be at.

The sound of the engine roars to life, and you dash off towards the center of the lake. 

The riverperson speaks: 

“Long ago... 

Two races ruled the earth. 

But you already knew that, right?”

You’ve reached your destination, a decrepit island, overgrown but showing signs of life. There is a giant concrete structure, the only identifier being a sign which says “LAB”. You enter, a display monitor shows a camera feed focused on Snuffles. You move forward and in the center of the room there is a pool, Snuffles is frozen in place. Bubbles appear. More bubbles. And slowly from the murky depths.... 

Rises exactly who you needed to see.

With the help of your new friend, you manage to enter the Dark world.

You control the Everyman as you make your way through the Labyrinth, a Dark World filled with fish life, anime references, dog food, and a floating head who calls itself Your Only Friend. Eventually as you continue to explore, you end up on the opposite end of an encounter with Kris, Noelle, and Susie. Lancer and Ralsei are with them. You fight back but are defeated, torn to shreds, Kris dealing the killing blow. Everything fades to black as the classroom fades into view. 

Susie wonders what the hell happened, they didn’t seal off the fountain of darkness that popped up in the Labyrinth... did they? Noelle then suggests maybe the plush itself was the source of Darkness. Kris says “Good riddance.”

The camera pans upwards into the black part of the room, black fading in to cover anything still visible.

You are back at similar sequence to the start of Chapter 1.

CONNECTION HAS BEEN SEVERED.

A VESSEL IS REQUIRED TO CONTINUE.

CONTINUE?

Y/N

If you select N, this pops up

“AND SO THE WORLD STOPPED SPINNING.”

and the game closes itself.

If you select Y, this pops up

“DON’T YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO?”

Asgore’s flower room fades into view. He’s watering the flowers and taking every care of them. The destroyed Snuffles is seen in the other part of the room. He pulls out a needle and thread.

“Asriel’s going to be here any day now... Seeing Snuffles in this state would leave him with a lot of heartache...”

Asgore goes to the plush and you can see him start to repair it, facing towards the wall.

The golden flower in the center of the room starts to shake.

A red soul appears above, and descends into the flower.

The flower shakes. It convulses violently. 

And you’re exactly where you were meant to be.

[ END CHAPTER 2.]

[cryptidcat-stories]

Regressus | HLVRAI

Hmmmng wrote this quite awhile ago- And I kinda made a design for this au too,,

aaa- Well essentaly this is how Gordon meets the Science team in this au, cause,, He wasint the one to do the test here.

You can ask me more stuff about this ‘experiment’ au at my main blog @/thecrypidcat

So onto the story! Hope y’all like it!

The last thing Gordon ever remembers is a bright green flashing and a searing pain. The pain he had was still lingering a tad as he sat there, his body felt stiff as he sat leaning against a wall. He also had his eyes closed, so he couldn't see his surroundings.

Being honest, Gordon was scared to open his eyes. He was scared to see what the accident had brought upon him and his surroundings. 

He soon scrunched up his face, lifting a hand up to rub at his eyes. A sudden headache had appeared for him. 

He tried to remember the events leading up to the accident, but… He couldn't remember..?

Before his hand reached his face, he heard a hiss. He dropped his hand and popped open his eyes. He flicked his head back and forth, ignoring his hair that usually hung over his eyes, looking for the source of the sound. 

He also temporarily ignored the clacking of what sounded like wood hitting together as he looked around. His surroundings were different from what he could last remember. 

His face gained a look of confusion as he looked around the room more carefully he was in. It looked like one of the few break rooms scattered throughout the complex. He had also spotted that he was sitting on one of the tables, his back leaning up against the wall it was sitting in front of. 

Finally, Gordon noticed that he seemed… Smaller than he remembered. 

He looked down to himself and immediately froze. He looked very different than he remembered himself looking. One, he looked more puppet-like. He seemed to be made of wood, including his clothing and hair. The only non wooden item on him was his lab coat, it was still fabric as he saw fold around from where he sat. 

He lifted his hands, temporarily inspecting them. He saw that he had four fingers for each hand like a cartoon. He soon brought his hands close, raising them to his face. His own face felt vastly different to him. It seemed more, cartoonish, more like how you would find a wooden puppet to have. His own eyes seemed to be sunken into his sockets, making it look like his eyes were set in some void inside his head. 

He still had his glasses, but they seemed to be more for aesthetic than purpose. Next he felt his jaw, finding it vastly different. It felt like something that you would find on a nutcracker, besides the rod that stuck out the back of the head or body. 

Finally he noticed the near invisible strings that were attached to very small loops on his hands and feet. He soon found out there was also a loop and string attached to his head too after feeling the top of his own head. He saw that the strings thinned out the higher it went, making it disappear from view before even touching the ceiling.

He sighed and slumped over from where he sat. 

Gordon soon got a thought. ‘Could I still move normally like this?’ He asked himself. His face was contorted in a thinking expression, a hand resting on his chin. 

He quickly nodded to himself and planted his hands next to himself ready to lift himself up. He soon heaved himself up, setting a foot and leg under him. All he could hear in the small room was the sound of wood rubbing and hitting against each other as he shakily stood up on the table. He had a hand resting on the wall, keeping him stable in the moment for just in case he fell. 

Despite his legs being made of wood, and seemingly looking weak and frail. He stood strong and sturdy in place. He didn't feel wobbly at all, he didn't feel like he was going to fall at any second. He felt quite light actually. Just not light enough that he felt ke he was floating, he still felt the slight weight his own body had.

Gordon hesitantly removed a hand from the wall letting himself stand there without any support. It was quite odd to him to be honest. He still kept his arms out, tence, for if he fell.

He carefully made his way to the edge of the table, his footsteps sounding like the soft thuds and clacking of dress shoes. Even though he was still clearly wearing some combat boots, but he guesses being entirely made of wood would change the sounds of your own footsteps? I guess so.

He peered over the edge, and as seeing as it was a very short drop to the floor he jumped down. A semi loud clack came from him as he hit the ground in a crouch. He stiffened as he heard growling from the other side of the wall. He ducked under the table quickly as he soon too heard the quick thumps as someone ran through the hall on the other side of the door and window he spotted. 

A loud slam shot though the room twice as whoever ran in opened and closed the door in a quick session. They were breathing hard, their back pressed up against the door. Gordon peered through the darkness, unaware of his own eyes glowing a faint white, and looked at what he saw was a scientist. 

They looked worse for wear. Blood splattered their coat and spots of ash decorated their clothing and face. They breathed for a second, now resting their hands over their face. Gordon could not recognize them, and didn't really want to leave his temporary safe spot. Scared for what might happen if the scientist might do to him if he was spooked by his appearance. 

He also had a feeling that if someone aimed and broke any of his strings, there would be painful consequences. So all he did was settle himself down under the table quietly and closed his eyes. Staying seated and hidden unbeknownst to the scientist also hiding in the room. 

-----

It felt like at least days, hiding quietly under that table. The scientist occasionally coming and going, they were going out and searching for food. Gordon realized soon, that he didn't feel hungry nor thirsty at all. It was possibly the side effects of this new- Puppet body? He didn't really like it, he had a feeling he would miss eating. 

He sighed in his head as the scientist returned once more. Bags of chips were gripped in his arms and a few soda’s sat loosely in the pockets of his jeans and coat. They carefully closed the door behind them and set the stuff on another table in the room that sat in front of a large window viewing the hall ahead. 

Gordon watched quietly as the scientist checked over the items. He had his knees pressing up to his chest as he sat against the wall, his arms were wrapped around his knees and his own smaller coat was wrapped tightly around him. The fake sweater he had pressed into his chin as he sat, bored. 

Soon the scientist left once again, leaving the food sitting out and in view of the window.

The scientist Gordon saw did not return after that. Gordon could say he wasn't really worried, he thought that the scientist had found another safe spot. He was just wondering why they didn't bring the food they had collected with them. 

He shook his head and hesitantly exited from the shadows underneath the table. He approached the table and heaved himself up onto it. 

He looked at the various bags of chips and brands of soda. He sat himself down, crossing his legs and to keep himself busy, he sorted the items into groups. He didn't know why, but he really wanted to keep himself busy. 

So he sorted for a few hours, occasionally changing the group specifics. It kept him busy while he thought on what to do. 

-----

Gordon stopped what he was doing. Under all the sounds of him moving he heard distant talking. The voices somehow sounded familiar to him, and he didn't know why. It confused him very much. 

As the voices got closer, he abandoned the snacks on the table and jumped down and ducked under. He crouched under, tense if he needed to run. 

The voices got louder until they reached the window and abruptly stopped. The sound of glass shattering stopping them. Hisses and growls were heard for a split second before the sound of a gun going off and it stopped abruptly with a pained shriek. 

The silence that followed was deafening to him. He had to stop his shaking as his rattling would alert whoever was out there.

Soon a timid voice interrupted the silence, “Dr. Coomer! Look! In that room is soda and chips!”

“There sure is Tommy!” A kind voice responded to the other, “We should go in and get them. We are low on food at the moment!” 

Gordon froze, ‘They were coming in?! Dammit I should have hid those!’ He internally screamed to himself for his stupid mind. Something soon caught his eye, it looked to be a crowbar. He smiled to himself and quickly grabbed it. Not even surprised anymore as it didn't seem all that heavy in his hands. 

He gripped the crowbar tightly at the sound of the door opening in the room. He held his breath as two pairs of legs walked in front of the table he was hiding under. The two seemed to converse with each other as they went through what they had ‘found.’ 

Meanwhile Gordon was still frozen and lightly pressed against the wall with a crowbar tightly gripped in his wooden hands. 

Occasionally the two ahead of him would shift their footing and Gordon would flinch quietly. He was listening carefully to the two, thinking about if he needed to run or not. Or if he would be in any danger with these people. 

Soon one mistake on Gordon’s end caused the two to notice him. The crowbar he had suddenly slipped from his hands and he wasn't able to catch it in time, so it hit the ground with a loud clatter. It immediately silenced the room. 

Gordon was frozen on the spot. He flinched when one of the two talked, “Who’s there?” 

He reached for the crowbar once again, grabbing it and held it tightly against himself. The two pairs of legs backed away from the table and to the middle of the room. He could see the two figures up to their waists now, one was much skinnier and taller and the other looked to be stockier and much shorter than the other. 

He backed up, and pressed himself up against the wall now tightly.

-----

What the others saw of Gordon, unknownst to him, was now his legs and lab coat he had. Tommy pointed it out speechlessly to Coomer and got a nod in response as he saw it too. They were curious at the sight as they could see it seemed like a toy or a puppet. Was it just an inanimate toy? Or was it brought alive by the cascade? They didn't know, but they were too curious not to know.

The two almost jumped as the puppet underneath shifted back. They looked at each other, eyes wide. So it WAS alive. The two didn’t know how to react to that. 

Tommy hesitated before slowly approaching the table and crouching. The puppet under flinched harshly, the wood of their body clacking from the sudden movement. In their grip was a crowbar, so Tommy backed up a reasonable distance away from the currently armed puppet. He held his arms out, showing he had no weapons. 

“H-hi there…” Tommy spoke quietly so as to not scare the puppet. It looked a little familiar, but the shadows of the table hid most of the puppets features so he couldn't recognize them. “My name’s Tommy… The other here is Dr. Coomer..”

The puppet flinched again, looking like it was ready to dart off at any moment. 

Tommy noticed the strings attached to the puppet and looked to where they went. The strings seemed to disappear off somewhere so he returned his focus back to the puppet ahead of him.

The puppet was looking at him wide eyed, he soon noticed that the entirety of their eyes glowed a faint white making it look like they didn't even have irises. Tommy was worried for the puppet. 

“Don't worry…” Tommy started quietly again, trying not to scare the puppet more. “Me and Dr. Coomer wont hurt you…” Tommy didn't want to mention the others, as he would not know how the puppet would react to the two just yet. 

The puppet seemed to relax only slightly, but still stayed tense. “Could you come out for u-us?” Tommy hesitantly asked them.

The two others outside of the room were watching what was going on silently from the other side of the window. Both Bubby and Benry were confused at what was going on. Bubby was real close to entering the room, but Coomer had told him earlier that if there was any danger in the room that he would deal with it.

-----

Gordon only relaxed a tad when the person crouched in front of him said he means no harm, but he still stayed tense in case they were lying. 

At the next question Tommy asked him, Gordon thought for a moment. He soon nodded to Tommy. The man in front of him gave a wide smile and backed up, shifting to sit on his knees. Dr. Coomer sat down next to him crossing his legs.

Gordon hesitated before slowly creeping out from under the table, still making sure to stay out of sight from the window. 

He stood there nervously, the crowbar gripped tightly in his hands. He wasn't looking at Coomer or Tommy. But the two had looks of shock from the sight of a live and walking puppet. 

Tommy soon hesitantly asked, “Do you have a name to call you…?” Gordon nodded slightly thinking of others giving them his first or last name. “What do you want us to call you?..” Coomer spoke up asking.

Using the crowbar, Gordon scratches ‘Freeman’ onto the concrete floor. He looked up to see both Tommy and Coomer nodding. “Hello Mr. Freeman..” Tommy greeted him with a small smile. He decided to return the smile back to the two. 

“We need to continue on-” Coomer started quietly as to not startle Gordon. He looked at him, “Are you okay with meeting at least two more people?..” Gordon froze, gripping the crowbar tighter before nodding, shaking a tad. 

“Don't worry!” Tommy reassures him with a smile, “They won't harm you, I-I’ll make sure of that!” Tommy stood up quickly, Coomer following. 

Tommy approached Gordon and held out his hands, “Are you okay with me carrying you? Or do you want to walk?” Gordon thought for a second before pointing to Tommy. He got a nod before he was picked up, his legs hanging free and his arms hanging over Tommy’s own. He kept his crowbar gripped tightly in his hand as he was held.

Dr. Coomer grabbed the snacks that were resting on the table and they all exited the room.  Gordon going immediately limp in Tommy’s arms the second he's through the doorway and in the sight of two new people. He would say its instinct the moment he played being a normal puppet.

[paradise-of-guilty-pleasures]

Shattered Reflections {12}

[Helsa RP- Fanfic]

Fandom: Frozen

Genre: Post-Frozen/ Canon Divergence

- Hurt/Comfort, Drama, Romance

Pairing(s): Hans/Elsa, Kristoff/Anna

Previous Chapter:�� 11. Spilling the Tea

A/N:

Kristanna Chapter. It's Short and Sweet. Hope you Enjoy~ 

12. Homemade with Love

After her tea time chat with Elsa, regarding a certain auburn-haired Prince she'd still like to punch in the face, Anna needed to find a way to decompress. Lucky for her, she had a great big cuddly bear of a boyfriend, she could go to for all her coddling needs. They had planned to spend the afternoon together and Anna was going to take full advantage of all the warm hugs and sweet kisses she could get.

Kristoff packed the picnic, mostly to test how Anna liked his cooking. Fresh molasses bread he'd baked, a stew of wild vegetables and game he'd caught, that sort of thing. He'd been planning for a while to try Anna on some of his foods, to see how she liked his wilder sort of life without pushing her into the deep end. So, he was a little nervous. Of course, she found him at the stables with Sven. "Hey there, Feistypants." He hummed, offering an arm to hug her, with the other holding the picnic basket. He was always down to hold his girlfriend, which was great because she seemed to need the hugs.

Anna didn't waste a second to wrap her arms around him in a big warm hug. "Don't call me, Feistypants," she playfully grumbled, with her face pressed against his chest. She took in his scent, no longer a stinky reindeer man odor, now more of a manly mountain musk of Kristoff, it helped that he'd bathe more frequently since they started courting. The smell of Kristoff wasn't the only thing her nose picked up, there was something else lingering in the air. ``Whatever you have planned for us today smells delicious," Anna said, prying herself from their embrace to try to sneak a peek into the picnic basket.

"Mmhm, a homemade picnic from the sort of stuff I eat at home. Where would you like to go enjoy it? Somewhere near the woods, or by the fjord, maybe under a willow tree somewhere?" Kristoff hummed. He didn't mind if she snuck a peek, she wouldn't see much but food-- but it would be what she thought of it that would be the real surprise. "I figured you ought to see what my cooking is like before, well, whatever happens in the future." He was still too nervous to say 'marriage'.

"Hmm? We can go whenever, as long as we share some relaxing alone time together, I don't really mind where we go," Anna chirped. "Oh! Is that so? You made it yourself, for me, I'm honored. If it tastes as good as it smells, which I'm pretty sure it will, you don't have to worry about your culinary skills impressing me, besides I can assure you it's definitely better than anything I can prepare myself," She giddily giggled.

"Mmhm, a few different foods I make so you can try a taste, some homemade molasses bread and cheese and butter, some garden fruits and vegetables. Here, we can find a place on Sven." He helped Anna up onto Sven's back and hung up the picnic basket on Sven's antlers while he got up so nothing would spill. He picked it up again and guided Sven out. Out over the grass and toward the willow trees that once sparkled with eternal ice when Elsa had frozen the land. Now the trees had bright spring green leaves and draped over their trunks with grace and poise, drifting down toward clear ponds where ducks built nests. Kristoff found a lovely clear spot on a hill under the sun where they could enjoy their picnic.

It was the perfect spot, secluded, beautiful and refreshing. Away from all the worries of the castle. Anna took in the fresh air and explored a bit of the surrounding area as Kristoff set up the picnic. She'd picked some wild flowers and returned to the picnic area. Anna playfully placed one of the flowers in Kristoff's hair, behind his ear. "There, now everything is perfect," Anna said brightly giggling. Kristoff laughed a little with her, and made sure she had a flower, too. "Better keep one for yourself too little dandy-lion." He teased. He liked that almost as much as feistypants, a little false lion trying to be fierce. "We've got a hot wild-game stew with wild vegetables, stuffed wild mushrooms, dandelion green salad, nettle beer, red clover ice tea, pine-wild berry crisp, and my usual lunch packs: homemade molasses bread, stored cheese, wild apples, and some smoked and dried meats. Admittedly the stuffed mushrooms were just me trying to impress, but most of this is the kind of thing I'd eat at home, and probably none of it is what you'd be used to." He smiled, but some of it was nervous. He unloaded clay containers of hot things that he had carefully brought to make sure they would stay warm, carefully insulated in the picnic basket.

"What would you like to try first? Or d'you want to try a little bit of everything and hope for the best? I won't tell you what the wild game is, but it's not reindeer." He didn't need her freaking out about rabbits, birds, or the occasional well-cooked wolf. "I do all my own hunting and keep a garden at home for the 'wild' vegetables and fruits, sometimes the folks stop by to help in the garden." He hoped the hunting wouldn't be too off-putting when she finally saw it. He didn't actually want to change his lifestyle, he loved his home. The castle was nice, but he hoped she would spend a little time with him in his home, too.

"Hmm," Anna hummed as she tapped her index finger on her chin. " I'm feeling adventurous today, give me a little bit of everything, please." A wide grin plastered on her face. "Food straight from the source sounds exciting, especially knowing you prepared it all for me with love," she cheekily teased.

"That's right." Kristoff hummed, and leaned over to kiss her forehead just to be cute. He dished up little bits of everything, including a few different meats from the stew along with a little of all the vegetables, a few stuffed mushrooms, some of the salad and bread, to start with. A plate could only hold so much, after all, may as well start with the savories. "Beer or tea to start with? The beer isn't strong, it's a 'small beer', made for after work when you need a drink but don't necessarily trust the water to be safe. You'll still be sober at the end of a pint. If I had a decent supply of honey I might make mead, but I don't know how to maintain a hive yet, it seems like full-time work." It wasn't important, it was just thoughts on his life.

Anna wore a beaming smile, she loved Kristoff's soft kisses, just as much as she loved warm hugs. " Now that's a tough choice," she giggled. "But I think I'll start with the tea and save the beer for later."

He smiled at her giggling, it was just so sweet and warmed his heart. Which was good, as an ice harvester. He poured her some ice tea into mugs. A lot of ceramic, which made sense, clay was easy enough to get and to make and fire, with a little practice; and it held hot and cold things fairly well, once they were glazed. That was the hard part, but potters were easy enough to find and work with. "I hope you enjoy it, I know it's not going to be like what you're used to." There wasn't much processed sugar, mostly molasses or honey. Anywhere he would use egg it would be from wild birds, and all of his fruits and vegetables were from things that weren't typically farmed. "The trolls taught me how to garden a lot of these things, but some things like mushrooms have to be foraged for, and some things like milk and cheese I still have to buy. I suppose I needed some reason to go to town and hold a proper job." He joked. Now he didn't need a reason any stronger than Anna.

"Milk and cheese are pretty good reasons," she laughed and quipped back. "I know chocolate would be on the top of my list."

"Now let me taste this lovely meal prepared just for me," she hummed as she brought a spoonful in for the first bite. Kristoff was right, it wasn't what she was used to. It was different, but good different, it was quite delectable in fact. The vegetables and the tender meat were paired well in a perfect blend of texture and flavor. She needed more. "Oh my goodness Kristoff, this is so good," she purred with another spoonful already in her mouth. Anna may have been a princess, but etiquette often took a back seat to her eccentric nature.

"Clothes too, I can only sew patchwork, really. Thankfully, the ice farmers' wives are usually pretty good to help out with that kind of thing. As long as I don't mind them trying to set me up with their daughters." He cringed, clearly not comfortable with that idea. "I'm glad you like it!" He wondered if he should tell her what the meat was, or wait until it was digested before he let her know she was probably eating rabbit and wolf, or maybe a wild bird, depending on which bite of meat she had. He was just glad she enjoyed whatever she ate. "I live alone, so I figured I'd best learn how to cook properly." and apparently, he did that in spades.

"Hmm? Cooking and sewing, on top of being a strong handsome ice harvester," Anna swooned. "I guess I'm extra lucky that none of those daughters managed to snag you first, cause you sir are quite the catch," she praised, holding the spoon upside down against her lips.

He laughed a little. "Like I said, I can just sew patches and fix a seam now and then." He shrugged, maybe flushing a little at the compliments. "Maybe I'll ask Elsa if she'd be okay with you coming up to visit my home for twenty-four hours or so. If I promise there won't be any funny business and tell her that Sven can be a good 'moral guardian'. But I'd like you to visit sometime..." Sometime before they got married. "I've been proposed to once or twice, usually by women just happy that I have a job. I politely declined and did my best to trade routes with other ice harvesters, but I still can't get away from the occasional nudge toward one of their daughters." He rolled his eyes, definitely not interested. And that was before the eternal winter. Now that he had a title, he just did his best to not have to talk to women outside of the castle.

Kristoff's mention of Elsa and staying overnight, made her smile falter remembering their tea time discussion. She didn't want to damper their date with her distress so soon, though right now seemed to be the right time to bring up the subject. "Um, Kristoff," She began. "Speaking of staying over..." She fidgeted with the spoon in her hand. "Do you think you could possibly stay over at the castle, for a while? I'd feel as lot safer if you did and Elsa said it was okay, at least until..." She took a deep sigh. "H-he's gone." She let out an involuntary gulp.

Kristoff was a little surprised, but nodded. "Alright, if it makes you feel safer." No questions, he understood what Anna had been through. He remembered the sight of Anna frozen on the fjord, as if in a dream. He had barely had time to process the idea before she was unfrozen again, but it did remind Kristoff of the dark side of 'nothing is permanent'. He spent a lot more time thinking about mortality, these days. "Do you want me to hold you until you fall asleep or just to hang out with the guards in the hall so I can put him through a window if he snoops around?" That was at least a little bit of a joke, to try and lighten her mood.

"Thank you." Kristoff's joke brought a small smile back to Anna's face. She sighed again. "I really wish he didn't have this control over me, but he still does and I hate it." Anna huffed. "And what's worse is that my own sister acts all nonchalant about the whole ordeal. I don't know what's gotten into Elsa, but it frightens me more how much trust she has in the very monster that tried to kill her and me!" "I don't want to doubt my own sister's judgement, she's Queen after all, and making tough decisions is what she has to do, but I can't help but feel a bit disappointed in the one she chose to take. Especially since she didn't consult me first and tried to hide the whole thing to try to 'protect me'. " I feel like I've become the cautious one and I'm the one warning her about him. Maybe there's something I'm missing. But, ugh! It's just so frustrating that I still have to nudge Elsa to open up to me... It's almost like she has more faith in him than me," Anna went from frustration to disappointment in a fraction of a second. Anna took a deep sigh from her venting. "All this to say, I don't trust Hans in the least. I don't know what he's been filling Elsa's head with, in order to make her trust him, but I know first hand he's a two-faced snake and I can't help but think that he's plotting something."

Kristoff stopped to think about it. "Maybe-- and stay with me on this-- you should talk to him, too? Not to try and trust him, but to figure out what he's been saying to seem trustworthy? I spoke to him in the battle and he seemed honest, but I also only asked whose side he was on, I didn't ask why. I definitely don't have any love for the guy. I can stay by you as a guard if you want to talk to him? But I also won't ask you to stress yourself out. I'll be the wall between you if I have to be, nobody will hurt you with me around." Kristoff assured. He didn't want her to be afraid, ever. "You're right to be frustrated, I can understand your point of view, I'd have a hard time believing if you weren't bothered."

Initially, Anna's eyes grew wide in disbelief at the suggestion, but she held her tongue and listened closely. Kristoff was wise and Anna trusted that he would never steer her wrong. After he finished she paused to ponder. " You know what? You're absolutely right!" She determinedly declared. "I should totally face him myself! I shouldn't have to cower in fear in my own home, he doesn't deserve that satisfaction! If I want my questions answered, I must go straight to source!

"Kristoff, please stand by my side when I face him, because I'm afraid...I'm afraid, I'll punch an injured man in the face, if I have no one there to stop me." "Thank you, for your insight," she said softly as she kissed his cheek. "One of the many many reasons I love you." "But, hey, let's not let that issue distract us from our date any longer. Let's continue enjoying the lovely meal you prepared for me and our alone time and we'll deal with all that stuff later."

Kristoff laughed a little at her quick turn from determination to not wanting to 'punch an injured man in the face'. "I'll be there." He promised, and pulled her back over to return her kiss, just to be cute and affectionate. "I love you too, feistypants." "And if you need me to be the scary growly mountain man to spook him a little I can do that too." Boy could he. He didn't act scary much now that he had Anna, but he still could, when pressed. The savory foods were delicious, the tea was made sweet, the wild-berry crisp was tart, it was all very good-- but the warm molasses bread with butter was probably the best, especially next to an occasional slice of cheese. Kristoff made the bread often, and he knew how to make it good. He ate a bit as well, but it was mostly for Anna to sample a lot of different foods. The extra lunch packs were hardly necessary, they were more like a demonstration of what he brought with him to work. It was, in his mind, a perfect date, just knowing that she liked his cooking and the different kinds of food he ate when he was home. He let her lean on him while he held her waist, and he was as happy there as a cat in a warm lap. Kristoff was a man of simple pleasures.

[thevalicemultiverse]

Get To Know the Muse(s) -- Alice & Victor

season:  Alice -- early spring; Victor -- late spring

color:  Alice -- blue and red; Victor -- blue

pie:  Alice -- strawberry; Victor -- apple

fruit:  Alice -- strawberries; Victor -- apples

ice cream flavor:  Alice --  strawberry, chocolate, Neapolitan; Victor -- chocolate, Rocky Road, Cookies & Cream

breakfast food:  Alice --  pancakes with syrup; Victor -- French toast and hard-boiled eggs

alcoholic drink: Alice -- Nothing; Victor -- Nothing (neither of them drink)

soda flavor:  Alice --  Dr. Pepper; Victor -- root beer

scent:  Alice -- Floral scents, catnip; Victor -- Tree scents, dog smells

flowers:  Alice -- Roses, lilies; Victor -- daffodils, bluebells

animal:  Alice -- cats, rabbits; Victor -- dogs, butterflies

movie:  Alice -- The Truman Show (I think she’d find the main character relatable, and the whole movie fascinating); Victor -- Ghostbusters (a fun sci-fi/fantasy about busting ghosts! He also likes the sequel and the reboot)

tv show:  Alice -- QI (it’s a show about weird facts and suchlike; right up her alley); Victor -- Castlevania on Netflix (I have personally not seen it, but I’ve heard good things, and it’s about vampires and kick-ass lady magic users and going up against evil -- he’d probably enjoy it)

book: For modern verses, anyway: Alice -- Monstrous Regiment from the Discworld series (she likes and relates to the main cast a lot); Victor -- Dragonsong from the Dragonriders of Pern series (he’s always wanted a pet dragon, and he relates to Menolly more than he thinks he should)

fairy tale: Alice -- Cinderella (she has a whole new appreciation for what the title character went through after Houndsditch -- also the mental image of Bumby getting his eyes pecked out by birds in the appropriate versions); Victor -- Snow White (he can’t help but feel a kinship with the princess who shares his color scheme -- plus he’s sometimes wondered if running off to a house of dwarves in the woods wouldn’t be better for him than his home life)

genre of music:  Alice -- “moody” songs (like with heavy bass beats, dark lyrics, stuff like that), but she’s also fond of parodies; Victor -- classical (especially piano numbers), big musical numbers

genre of movies:  Alice -- fantasy, comedy; Victor -- sci-fi, fantasy

genre of books:  Alice -- fantasy, mystery; Victor -- fantasy, horror

Pick one.

hot or cold: Both prefer hot

juice or soda: Alice prefers juice; Victor is more likely to get a soda

tv or movie: Both would pick movie 

movie or book: Both would pick book

late night talk shows or reality tv: I don’t think they’d like either, but if there was nothing else on, I think they’d pick reality TV -- might be more interesting, should provide plenty of opportunities to mock the television

twitter or instagram: I think both would prefer Instagram; Twitter would provide too many opportunities to annoy them

trees or flowers: Alice prefers flowers; Victor prefers trees

philosophy or psychology: Both are more into philosophy (Alice in particular doesn’t like psychology for what I hope are obvious reasons)

ocean or lake: Both are more familiar with lakes, at least in the real world; the Deluded Depths are fun in Wonderland, though!

water park or amusement park: I think they’d both prefer an amusement park, though one with water rides would be a good compromise

cats or dogs: Alice is a cat person; Victor is a dog person

fresh water or sparkling water: Both prefer fresh water

sugar or honey: In tea, I assume? I’d say both prefer sugar, though they both will eat honey

cookies or candy: Both prefer cookies (though Victor will definitely not say no to candy)

bath or shower: Alice prefers showers; Victor likes baths (even if he’s too long for most bathtubs!)

morning or night: Both tend toward night (even in verses where one of them doesn’t have to be nocturnal)

running or walking: Both like walking (particularly together); both tend to end up running from something at some point. XD

piercings or tattoos: Eh, I can’t see either of them getting either. . .but if it came down to it, I could see both going for a tattoo over piercings.

frozen yogurt or ice cream: Both prefer ice cream, but this doesn’t mean they won’t eat frozen yogurt

vanilla or chocolate: Both prefer chocolate

caramel or butterscotch: Both like caramel

art or music: Alice falls on the art side; Victor falls on the music one (though he’s also an accomplished artist, and Alice likes his music a lot)

t-shirt or button down: Alice is more likely to wear a plain t-shirt; Victor prefers a button-down

text or call: I think both prefer text -- less pressure that way, and Victor in particular finds it easier when he can do a draft or two of what he wants to say

ghosts or aliens: Both prefer ghosts (and are more likely to encounter them everywhere except my Sims game)

Have they ever.

ridden a motorcycle: Depends on the verse, but I’ve stated in the past I like the idea of Secundus!Alice getting her own steampunk motorcycle and roaring through the streets with a mildly-terrified Victor XD Most of the time, though, neither of them have.

stolen something: Again, verse-dependent -- most of the time, I’d say no for both, but the Catch Us!pair probably steal things from their victims, and just for survival purposes, while Londerland Bloodlines!Alice will occasionally pick up “vendor trash” to sell to Fat Larry. (Not so much once she starts getting money from more legit sources, though.)

eaten an entire pizza by themselves: Alice, probably not. Victor, yes. XD (Though it was over an entire night)

made a prank call: I can’t see either of them being the type, so no.

broken a bone: Somehow, neither of them have. Victor is as shocked as anyone about this. (Though he has sprained his ankle.)

fallen asleep during a concert or movie: A concert? Not to both? A movie? Not in theaters, but I can see them maybe falling asleep watching a super-late movie one night at home. (Cute mental image, actually.)

walked out of a movie because it was so bad: I personally think they’d stick it out to give it the MST3K/Rifftrax treatment (quietly) unless it properly offended them. So neither has done so yet, but it’s a possibility.

been on the phone with someone for longer than 2 hours: No, if only because I can’t think of any situation where they would have to be.

dined & dashed: Traditional form? No, neither. But Londerland Bloodlines!Alice has occasionally had to just grab a convenient person to drink from when she was low on blood. Sort of counts?

held a gun: This is verse-dependent -- the vast majority, no. But I’m sure the Catch Us pair have used guns on occasion (if their victim has one to wrestle away, anyway), and Londerland Bloodlines!Alice learned how to shoot to protect herself on the mean streets of L.A.

ding dong ditched: I can’t see either doing this -- except maybe Catch Us!pair, or Londerland Bloodlines!Alice, as some sort of distraction while they do something else. (LB!Alice is a master of Obfuscate, after all. . .)

gone skinny dipping: Nooope for both. Nope no never.

cried during a movie: Yes, though Alice generally hides it a bit better than Victor. She’ll only openly cry if she’s alone, or with people she trusts (generally Victor, add in Victoria, Emily, Lizzie, Bonejangles/Sam, Richard, and Christopher depending on verse).

smuggled food into a movie: Alice would, Victor wouldn’t -- but only because Victor can consistently afford concession prices. And to be honest, he’d probably help Alice smuggle in food if she asked.

lied to get a job: No -- if only because neither of them has ever had to (Victor of course comes from super-rich stock, and Alice generally either has a job given to her/forced on her, or picks something she knows she can get without lying)

practiced lines in front of a mirror: Victor has, for when he has to be Social with his parents -- it doesn’t usually help much, as his anxiety gives no shits about how much he practices. I can’t think of a situation for Alice to do so, but maybe if she needs to rehearse something difficult to say sometime. . .

tried to see how many marshmallows they can stuff in their mouth at once: Not as of this writing, but somehow I think they might at some point XD

been kicked out of somewhere: Yes, though for different reasons -- Alice because she was making a scene while stuck in Wonderland; Victor because his parents were making a scene and he was “collateral damage.” Oh, and I guess Victor was essentially kicked out of Burtonsville in both Forgotten Vows and Secundus. . .and then decided he never wanted to go back anyway

been on a blind date: Does a blind arranged marriage count? Actually, in more modern verses, the two sets of parents WOULD set the kids up on a date without introducing them first, so -- yeah, I guess Victor has. Alice, no. 

ghosted someone: No -- unless you count Alice disappearing from Houndsditch as such in the “Catch Us If You Can” verse. Victor’s probably been ghosted once or twice by women who didn’t wish to continue their acquaintance. Not a pleasant experience.

bragged about something they haven’t done: Victor, no. Alice. . .edge case, as she’ll brag about stuff she’s done in Wonderland, not the real world. Which, considering the stuff she can pull off in Wonderland, I say -- let the woman brag.

said i love you without meaning it: No, neither. Alice only says it when she means it, and Victor has meant it every time he’s said it.

gotten in a fight: Yes to both, though how often depends on the verse. 

fallen asleep on a bus: I can’t see either of them doing it, if only because I don’t think either would ever feel comfortable enough to fall asleep. Too many people and not exactly plush seats are not conducive to rest.

Miscellaneous.

how do they take their tea or coffee:  Alice takes her tea with a couple of spoonfuls of sugar and a quick dash of milk; Victor puts so much sugar and milk into his it can barely be called “tea”

what is their ideal date: Depends on the verse, but a few favorites are going to the park on a picnic (Forgotten Vows and Secundus); either going dancing or staying at home for a private dance party (Cuddlepile); and going to the movies (Londerland Bloodlines). I’d also like for at least one skating date to happen in some verse. XD

what are some of their guilty pleasures: Alice has probably read and enjoyed some romance novels -- it’s a guilty pleasure in the sense of “Lizzie would probably never forgive me for reading these.” XD Victor, depending on the verse, has penny dreadfuls or comic books, which his mother disapproves of but he reads on the sly. He particularly enjoys superheroes and horror stories.

longest they’ve stayed up for: This would be dependent on verse, but I’m sure that both of them have stayed up at least one entire day for some reason at some point

greatest talent: For Victor, it’s definitely his piano skills -- he’s got a nice well of natural ability, and he’s put in the practice to get really good at it. For Alice, it’s storytelling -- she knows how to weave a good yarn, helped a lot by that active imagination of hers!

strange habits: Less “strange” and more “informed by her past trauma,” Alice tends to triple-check every fireplace in her current home to make sure it’s out before going to bed. Yes, it was deliberate arson that took down her family home, but she still gets antsy over leaving flame attended. She also tends to rock on her heels when in deep thought. Victor of course has his tie-pulling and general fidgeting when he’s nervous -- I can’t think of anything off the top of my head that he might have that is stranger.

first job: Alice’s would be her stint at Bumby’s -- she was maid and dogsbody in exchange for her keep and a smidgen of salary. Victor -- well, does helping his father do the books at his fish business count?

can they do a handstand: Alice probably could if she practiced enough, though I don’t know how long she could hold it. Victor could only do it against a wall, and even then he’d probably tip over after a couple of seconds.

can they cook: Yes -- they both have a baseline of “I can make a couple of edible items,” and improve from there. Victor in particular grows to like baking.

do they have allergies: Alice does not, but Victor is allergic to artichokes. Nothing life-threatening, fortunately, but it does result in an itchy rash all over his face and neck if he eats them.

do they believe in love in first sight: Alice never did -- Victor is willing to believe at least in attraction at first sight, thanks to his experiences with Victoria and Emily. He’s not sure about true love, though.

have any special talents: Well, I already mentioned playing piano for Victor, and storytelling for Alice. They’re also both quite good artists! Alice works in pencil, while Victor works in quill pen and ink. Victor is also a MASTER at climbing, thanks to finding that going vertical often helped him get away from his bullies growing up. And I’m sure Alice’s way with sarcastic comments must count too. :p

Tagged by: @hamelinbound

Tagging: Taken me long enough that I’m sure most people I would have tagged have been tagged. Take this as a general “if you want to do it, feel free!”

[carrotlunch07-blog]

Yogurt and Oats for Breakfast

Yogurt is a super versatile ingredient or dish in itself. This recipe for yogurt and oats contains all kinds of extra goodies to help you start the day right.

You love yogurt. It’s a health food, isn’t it? It’s even what they call a super food. But, is it really all it’s cracked up to be, or are there some things you should take into consideration when you choose yogurt to enjoy at home?

Yogurt has long been considered a healthy food to enjoy on a regular basis. Not only is it high in protein and important nutrients, but it also can aid digestion, boost your immunities, protect against osteoporosis, and promote heart health and a healthy weight.

However, for years yogurt companies have stuffed their yogurts with sugar and additives making it a little less impressive as a healthy food. The junk they put in can detract from some of yogurt’s innate benefits.

So, how can you enjoy yogurt without all the bad stuff? 

Buy or make it plain and dress it up yourself.

Yogurt: Health food or junk food?

As you know, over the last few years I’ve been doing some serious food reading. Not about cooking per se, but about nutrition, portion control, eating habits, our food sources, government regulations on food, and the way marketers try to get us to buy stuff. It has been an education to be sure.

Some of the books that have had a tremendous impact in how I think about food include:

It’s through the reading of these books that I’ve made slow shifts in how I shop and cook and in how my family eats. We’re not as “crunchy” as they come, but we don’t eat exclusively out of a box, either.

Slowly but surely, I’m making changes to improve my family’s diet without busting our budget. I cook more from scratch, and we try to avoid chemicals, artificial ingredients, processed sugars, and unfermented soy. I am working on making healthy eating easier over all.

One of the new wrinkles in this healthier eating paradigm, has been to examine the yogurt we eat.

Yogurt has always been one of my very favorite breakfast foods. In my non-pregnant and nursing years, I haven’t really been a milk-drinker, so yogurt and cheese help me keep up on my calcium.

Years ago I was a diehard Yoplait or La Creme fan. Coupons and sales were plentiful for those items so I could keep the refrigerator stocked to the brim, buying as many as 60 cartons at a time. I thought that I was buying “health food.”

It was only later when I started to reduce our intake of processed sugars and processed foods in general that I found out how SWEET these yogurts actually were. Plus, often they had all kinds of ingredients I couldn’t pronounce.

How to switch to plain yogurt

So, I made some changes. I started buying large 32-ounce cartons of plain, or sometimes vanilla, yogurt, preferably Cascade,  Mountain High, or Fage brands.

Not all my kids liked that change. But most of them have gone along with it, especially when honey or maple syrup is drizzled over the top. Occasionally I buy Trader Joe’s vanilla and blueberry cups, but not often.

If you or yours are slow to be won over to plain yogurt, consider one or more of the following toppings for plain yogurt:

maple syrup

honey

jam

fruit syrup

fresh fruit

granola or nuts

It may take some time, but you’ll be a convert before too long.

Uses for plain yogurt.

Plain yogurt is an incredibly versatile ingredient to keep on hand.

It’s great to use in baking instead of buttermilk. Just mix half yogurt and half milk as your buttermilk substitute.

Use it as a thickener in smoothies.

Mix it with whipped cream to reduce the fat and increase the protein in your favorite sweet topping.

Substitute it for sour cream in recipes to give an equivalent tang without all the fat.

Can you make yogurt at home?

Believe it or not, it’s incredibly easy to make yogurt at home! A few years ago I experimented with making yogurt myself. One night I tested two different methods:

I also read about the microwave/oven and cooler methods, but decided to go with these first two methods. The next morning I compared the yogurts I had made. They were like Laurel and Hardy, one was thick, the other thin.

The slow cooker method was good, but thin like buttermilk. Folks suggested that I strain the yogurt to thicken it, but it was so thin, the yogurt went right through the sieve. I used some in baking and churned the rest into frozen yogurt.

The yogurt incubated on the heating pad was thick and creamy. Since we like THICK yogurt, you can guess that I’m a fan of the heating pad method.

Try them both out and see for yourself which you prefer. I originally tested with whole milk, but have since made homemade yogurt with nonfat milk and it turned out fine and thick, albeit a little on the tart side in comparison.

My preferred method for making homemade yogurt is to combine 1 quart milk, 1/4 cup powdered milk, 2 tablespoons yogurt with live cultures, and to incubate it for 5 hours according to the heating pad method.

Enjoy Yogurt and Oats for Breakfast.

As a born Francophile, I’ve loved reading The French Women series by Mireille Guiliano and have been encouraged by many of the suggestions she has to offer for life, work, and good eats.

One of those habits that I’ve adapted for my own is what Ms. Guiliano calls “Magical Breakfast Cream”. I can’t vouch for its magical properties, but I know that I like it, at least how I tweaked it.

I’ve made some significant changes to her recipe. Her recipe calls for shredded wheat cereal instead of oats, flax seed oil instead of meal, and orange instead of lime, as well as the addition of ground nuts. My tweaks are thanks to what I normally stock in my pantry.

This variation has become my daily breakfast, packed with protein and filling enough to get me through the morning.

Yogurt is a super versatile ingredient or dish in itself. This recipe for yogurt and oats contains all kinds of extra goodies to help you start the day right.

Cuisine: American, French

Keyword: oatmeal, oats, yogurt, yogurt and oats

1/2 cup plain greek yogurt

2 tablespoons rolled oats not cooked

1 tablespoon chopped roasted almonds

1 teaspoon flax seed meal

the juice and pulp of half a lime

1 teaspoon honey

In a small bowl, layer the ingredients in the order listed. Stir or not, depending on how you like it.

Level up your meal planning and prep.

Need a little extra motivation to get on your meal planning game? Want to make lunch packing less of a drag? Creating a kitchen survival kit to help you WIN in the kitchen this school year.

I’d love for you to join me for the next Mom’s Kitchen Survival Workshop!

Together, we’ll create a plan to help you get dinner on the table every night, fill your freezer with wholesome snacks and breakfasts, finesse your lunch-packing skills, and even make sure you get a daily dose of MOM food.

Learn more here so that when registration opens, you won’t miss out.

Source: https://goodcheapeats.com/2018/09/morning-yogurt-and-oats/

[hibiki-the-beast-archived]

THE ULTIMATE GET-TO-KNOW GUIDE

Repost, don’t reblog.

Tagged by: @isolated-songbird (There was no notification that I was tagged, but I gladly saw it anyway!)

Tagging: @hazukixlynch @hiro-bloodlust @voice-mikaru ...don’t know who has already done it or wants to do it.

(Muse: Hibiki Yoshinaga)

FAVOURITE THINGS

SEASON: Spring COLOUR: Black, red (and more or less secretly pink...) PIE: None FRUIT: He has troubles stomach fruits, but watermelon is something he likes ICE CREAM FLAVOUR: Milk/Cream (inside of a dark chocolate coat) BREAKFAST FOOD: Something with eggs...or any other protein source... ALCOHOLIC DRINK: Beer SODA FLAVOR: None SCENT: Blood, arousal, masculinity FLOWER: Snowdrops...and perhaps catnip ANIMAL: Cat MOVIE: From Nightmare on Elm Street over Pet Sematary to Edward Scissorhands... TV SHOW: None BOOK: Berserk SUPERHERO: He is rather up for the bad guys... FAIRY TALE: Puss in Boots GENRE OF MUSIC: Rock/Metal GENRE OF MOVIES: Horror GENRE OF BOOKS: He barely reads but when he does then perhaps manga from the action genre (or secretly some Yaoi or Bara...)

PICK ONE

hot or cold juice or soda TV or movie movie or book late night talk shows or reality tv twitter or instagram (real Hibiki has both lately while my Hibiki has just twitter and discord) trees or flowers philosophy or psychology ocean or lake water park or amusement park cats or dogs fresh water or sparkling water sugar or honey cookies or candy bath or shower morning or night running or walking piercings or tattoos (His skin is very sensitive to metal, so he likes piercings on others very much, too...) frozen yogurt or ice cream vanilla or chocolate caramel or butterscotch art or music (actually both) t-shirt or button down text or call ghosts or aliens

HAVE THEY EVER

RIDDEN A MOTORCYCLE: yes STOLEN SOMETHING: yes EATEN AN ENTIRE PIZZA BY THEMSELVES: yes (it is not what he actually eats though...) MADE A PRANK CALL: no BROKEN A BONE: no FALLEN ASLEEP DURING A CONCERT OR MOVIE: during a movie, yes WALKED OUT OF A MOVIE BECAUSE IT WAS SO BAD: no BEEN ON THE PHONE WITH SOMEONE FOR LONGER THAN 2 HOURS: yes DINED & DASHED: yes HELD A GUN: no DING DONG DITCHED: yes GONE SKINNY DIPPING: yes CRIED DURING A MOVIE: no SMUGGLED FOOD INTO A MOVIE: no LIED TO GET A JOB: no PRACTICED LINES IN FRONT OF A MIRROR: no TRIED TO SEE HOW MANY MARSHMALLOWS THEY CAN STUFF IN THEIR MOUTH AT ONCE: no BEEN KICKED OUT OF SOMEWHERE: yes BEEN ON A BLIND DATE: no GHOSTED SOMEONE: yes BRAGGED ABOUT SOMETHING THEY HAVEN’T DONE: no SAID I LOVE YOU WITHOUT MEANING IT: He didn’t know himself at this point, but it perhaps was the case GOTTEN IN A FIGHT: yes FALLEN ASLEEP ON A BUS: no

MISCELLANEOUS.

HOW DO THEY TAKE THEIR TEA OR COFFEE: Black, but lately as he is going into sweeter things more and more he likes some milk and sugar as well occasionally. WHAT IS THEIR IDEAL DATE: Being out in the nature or discovering an old building...something adventurous mainly. (Or hunting a prey together?) WHAT ARE SOME OF THEIR GUILTY PLEASURES: He feels less ashamed for the things he likes nowadays than he had done a while ago, but he still is embarrassed when it comes to admitting that he likes to dress feminine for turning himself on...and that he owns some Yaoi and Bara manga LONGEST THEY’VE STAYED UP FOR: He can go without sleep for up to five days, and he knows it because he tried it out. BIGGEST PURCHASE: Perhaps his motorbike. GREATEST TALENT: Singing...and sexual creativity. STRANGE HABITS: Needing to lick, bite and take everything into his mouth (oral fixation), pours water from a bottle into his mouth instead of sipping on it, behaving like a cat (all because he’s not human so ‘strange’ is definitely the wrong word. FIRST JOB: He sings as long as he can remember. CAN THEY DO A HANDSTAND: Probably. CAN THEY COOK: He isn’t an expert, but he’s really decent at it. DO THEY BELIEVE IN THE PARANORMAL: Of course. DO THEY HAVE ALLERGIES: He has troubles with some fruits because his stomach isn’t made for human food actually. DO THEY BELIEVE IN LOVE IN FIRST SIGHT: He believes in big chemistry between persons from the very first talk because he had experienced it himself. Based on this feelings can develop. Although he believes in sexual attraction on first sight... HAVE ANY SPECIAL TALENTS: Opening a beer bottle with his teeth, he can play the mouth organ and purr like a cat.

[smallhatlogan]

do you have any theories about what pandora was like before it became populated by humans/taken over by corporations/etc.? i think all the giant skeletons scattered throughout the world and dried up areas that were once oceans are super cool but we don't have much info on pandora's history which makes me :/

Oh boy, I actually think about this all the time? I love natural history topics and speculating about the Eridians.

(I accidentally wrote a small essay and I’m putting it under a cut and I didn’t edit at all so hopefully this is remotely readable) 

Okay so Sanctuary has apparently been in the ground for a few centuries so people have apparently been on Pandora for quite some time? Pandora has some wacky shit going on with seasons and rapidly changing environments, which would explain a lot of those giant skeletons. Places like Oasis seem to have only dried up a relatively short period ago (Judging by the Pierfest signs it’s probably been less than a hundred years? It seems implied that it was surrounded by ocean only few years ago, but it also could have been dry for much longer and they just had another water source that gave out?), and the Southern Shelf is confirmed to have frozen less than 5 earth years before BL2. 

I think it’s pretty likely that over the course of Pandora seasons (idk if it’s still canon but I think in the first game it was said that a Pandoran year lasts 10 Earth years?) the environment just rapidly changes and this is the main cause of the death for these giant fish, skags, and lizard-looking things. 

That said, I feel like those giant skeletons are pretty old partially because that supports my “Decomposition is broken on Pandora” theory (I know a lot of video games tend to just occasionally just ignore logical decomposition, but Borderlands does it SO MUCH and to such a extreme degree? Plus I think it makes for interesting world-building if on Pandora the organisms that facilitate faster decomposition don’t survive well or the eridium in the atmosphere acts as a preservative, and bodies instead are mainly broken down by larger scavengers. I hold this theory so close to my heart). 

Maybe they age from a time similar to back when earth had dinosaurs? Like the biggest modern skags we see are skagzilla and Dukino’s mom and they’re still smaller than some of these skags. Or maybe even now there’s just occasionally Skags that big, and they just grown indefinitely provided they have enough food. There’s probably still some massive fucking fish in Pandora’s oceans because I think the ocean needs to be at least 10 times scarier than the land as a rule.

But yeah I guess that’s what I’ve got for the environmental side of things. 

Eridian side, though, oh boy.

Eridians were so stupidly technologically advanced that they very well could have created the entire damned planet and bio-engineered all the life on it (perhaps experimentally, to play god for the fun of it, or maybe the life itself acts as some kind of power source?). Which makes sense, for one, the inside of Elpis is pretty chock full of Eridian stuff, maybe it wasn’t built in there, but instead built along with the rest of Elpis? And secondly why the heck else would there be so much goddamn Eridium- their power source- in Pandora? I honestly don’t think eridium is naturally occurring. An idea that also lends itself to the idea that the Eridians were SUPER FUCKED UP? 

 Okay like we’re really not given a lot to go off of regarding their society or pretty much, anything about them? So I’m using literary parallels to come up with my own, possibly completely wild theories. 

By literary parallels, I mean that racist piece of shit, HP Lovecraft (who, admittedly, has a lot to draw on when it comes to sci fi, and tbh it’s always nice to see his works taken and reshaped into something better, with messages he would have hated):

-Ancient advanced alien race. Mysteriously wiped out without a trace (except maybe not) (also I did not mean for that to rhyme)

-Eridium drives people insane. IMO I don’t think this is mental illness or from damage to the brain (partially wishful thinking because, obviously, making the mentally ill folk the ones running around with buzzaxes screaming about murder and attacking people is just bad). I think there’s something sinister behind eridium. Those voices you hear when Krieg goes into Release the Beast might not all be from his brain? Maybe Eridium has a life of its own? Maybe this is some “soylent green is people” shit except with eridians?

-Eridians were very clearly warlike. Most of what remains of their civilization besides the ruins are weapons. Either they fought among themselves or against another alien species? If the latter, they really obliterated them to the point we have no evidence of them, (but tbh it seems fitting). It seems to me they were conquerers, and the now human-inhabited planets were once their empire.

-Also okay the Destroyer just looks like a lot of depictions of Yog-Sothoth

-They seem to have been religious? All of their ruins resemble temples or shrines. Heck, there’s even an element of blood sacrifice, considering the Vault in Badass Crater?

-This isn’t necessarily canon, but I think it’s an interesting thing to consider: In the Tannis comic she mentions they had some real fucked up math system where they could “count in six directions” and stuff. And they’re language has no word for “year” or “time”. 

-Heck, Tannis, the one who knows the most about this stuff, is also insane. That’s pretty thematically in-line with Lovecraft. 

There’s two of Lovecraft’s creations that I feel like it’s easy to draw parallels to with the Eridians? 

-Elder Things: Alien creatures who resided on earth long before humans. They were ridiculously technologically advanced, warred against other aliens, and capable of creating other lifeforms via bioengineering. One such lifeform was the Shoggoth, an originally nonsentient creature intended to serve the Elder Things. Over time this creature evolved and rebelled against their former masters, playing a huge role in their extinction. The Eridians also could have easily been wiped out by their own creations, whether the Guardians, or a Vault monster? 

-The Great Race of Yith: Also extremely technologically advanced alien creatures that inhabited earth a longass time ago. These guys are continuously traveling through time via swapping their consciousnesses with beings from other time periods, in an effort to escape their doom. Now, I don’t think the Eridians had that ability (though hey, maybe they did and instead of the Guardians only being creations they were formerly host to Eridian minds? They’re so goddamned mysterious I’m willing to entertain anything), but it seems entirely possible (Maybe even probable, considering The Watcher’s warnings) that they’re capable of time travel and could have not gone extinct at all, just fled through time. Maybe the human race is finally catching up to their point of re-entry into the time stream, or they’re about to encounter whatever it was the Eridians were fleeing. 

Heck maybe the Eridians themselves are what the Watcher is warning them about, and the Watcher is betraying their own race (or maybe they’re not actually an Eridian at all, and maybe everything we think we know about how they look is wrong. Like I said, we super don’t have a lot of concrete information and also I love to speculate on everything). 

Actually, I could probably write an entire other list of theories based on greek mythology parallels. I won’t but the name “Eridian” presumably comes from I won’t, but I’ll mention the name “Eridian” presumably comes from “Eris” (fittingly, what with all the bloodshed surrounding the Vaults). 

TL:DR I feel like the Eridians were probably super bad dudes and/or pulled an Icarus and wiped themselves out with their own creations. They also probably have some sinister Eldritch god shit going on. 

They may have built Pandora and Elpis, partially just as a place to keep their superweapons? 

[monicalorandavis]

Dear Lora

My grandfather wrote a 6-page typed letter to my mother in 1992. His wife, my grandma, my mom’s mom, had died earlier that year. His letter is in response to a letter my mom had written in which her mom visits her in a dream. Below is the transcribed letter in full:

Dear Lora,

Today is the second day of October. Summer of 1992 is history. Even though I am somewhat reluctant to bid farewell to the warm pleasant days of summer, the unmistakable chill in the morning air is convincing enough that fall has arrived. The morning temperature was in the low forties. The warmth of the furnace felt very good. I am, I suppose, prepared for winter (as if it made any difference whether I am prepared or not). Ready or not here it comes. I welcome the coming of winter as I do with the approach of the other three seasons.

This year my garden crop was very productive. I had carrots, turnips, eggplants, corn, spinach, cucumbers, tomatoes, onions and green beans. Each year with the beginning of the growing season, I make a solemn vow that I am going to limit my crop selection to just a few items. As the year progresses, the urge to plant just one more thing just simply overwhelms me. It’s fun anyway. The thought of putting a seed in the ground, watching it grow and then getting to eat it holds a certain fascination. I sometimes feel that I am a frustrated farmer. Flowers are blooming at their prettiest. It seems that just before their inevitable doom, nature makes a last ditch effort to make them more beautiful than ever. Could this be nature’s way of burning their beauty into our brain so we will be sure to plant them again next season?

I am doing quite well. Apparently all of the vitals are functioning adequately according to the doctor’s report from my last visit. I hope you are taking care of your health. I recall it was during my forties that I began to realize in an abstract way the possibility that I was not immortal and it was just possible that I could become sick just like old folks often does. During my fifties, I took a step further into reality and faced (however reluctantly) that I was indeed going to someday become old just like those other old folks does. Now that I have arrived, I find that in reality this is not at all as bad as I thought it would be.

A quick examination of the available options and alternatives lead one to the acceptance of life with all of its joys as well as its sadnesses. As I write this page I have one ear focused on my television set. Ross Perot is making a speech regarding his decision to run for President or not...From the drift, as I hear it, he seems to be saying that he is going to run...This will be an interesting election year. I am going to vote for Clinton, not that I think he is the best the country is giving us. I don’t know whether my vote will be a vote for Clinton as much as it is a vote against Bush.

It was a pleasure to have received such a long, informative, neat and well-composed letter. Receiving a letter is always a treat. Although we talk by phone a lot, a letter is always something special. I know with your busy schedule with the wife/mother doings, there is little time left for extracurricular things.

You spoke in your letter of Mom visiting you in your dreams recently. Ironically, just prior to receiving your letter, she visited me in a very vivid dream. Usually my dreams are so vague and scattered that it is difficult for me to form a meaningful recollection of the theme or the contents of the dream. And I must add that I do not have frequent dreams of her. I recall hearing from some leader a theory on dreams involving departed loved ones. According to his theory, if that loved one is at peace in their new existence (their new life) then their dream visits will be few but if there is restlessness and discontent visits will be frequent. In this dream, she was radiant, well-dressed and the picture of good health. We were at home together. She was busy cooking and packing in preparation for a trip to your place. I recall asking her about her medication like I always did prior to our trips. She smiled and said “Don’t you remember that I don’t need to take those things anymore? I had an operation and now my liver does the same for my body as the dialysis did. I feel good now.” It was such a pleasant dream. I feel that somewhere out there that she has found peace and contentment. Of course, I shall cherish the memories of all of those wonderful years we spent together. Over the months, the reality of life and death has been drawn into focus. It is strange that a phenomenon as real and predictable as the passing of a loved one could confuse that reality but time is a healing thing and with the passage of time there emerges an emotional balance, a healing process that draws one back into rational acceptance. However altered, there is a sort of life that can be lived and enjoyed. Life is such a precious gift. A constant concern of mine is not so much focused upon my own life, although I try and take reasonable care of myself, but hoping you, my children, and my grandchildren will be healthy and live long, happy lives.

I am really impressed by the neatness and precision of your word-processed letter. It must be a real aid to letter writing and writing in general. It is hard to master? Could a dummy life me use one? I like to write things. A problem I have is after I write and sleep on what I have written, I have an overwhelming urge to change what I have written. Maybe a word processor would cure that ambivalence.

You made a comment concerning your handwriting. Have you ever seen my handwriting? Yours would put mine to shame. My typing is rather shabby too.

I noticed judging from the look of some of my vegetable crop we have already a frost so soon. There are still a few things I have to do in order to prepare for winter. I had a new door installed at the front entrance and the door to the garage. That are is always like an icebox in spite of my attempts to weatherstrip. Hopefully the new carpet and drapes will help some to keep the place warm this winter. I still have some other things in mind to help keep the heating bill under control this winter.

I talked to Alan and Elfriede recently. They are extending an open invitation to visit them this winter for a few days. I might take them up on the offer. I still haven’t made any concrete visit plans. Hopefully the airlines will throw out some good discounts during October. Then we shall see about the holidays. I think we will make our trek to the southland sometime next year. I don’t think Doris is too interested in going. I understand her lack of interest to a certain extent. If that Alyx is interested, I suppose she and I should make the trip. How about Steven?

Did you hear that Erika is pregnant? Due sometimes early 93. Kim is still pending marriage in April I believe. I hear from Noelle occasionally. She seems to be getting along well, working hard as a nurse in a nursing home in Ft. Collins. I question her selection of a boyfriend (but don’t we all?). She never sounds too happy when she calls. He is going to school, a rather nice fellow but seems so immature to take on marital responsibilities. I hope I am wrong.

Election time is drawing near, isn’t it? Ross Perot is toying again with the idea of reentering the race for President. It is alright for him to play politics so long as he don’t do anything that will spoil Clinton’s chances to kick Bush out of office. In my view, the country has been so fouled up under 11 years of Reagan/Bush policies that it will take a decade of pain before the country is straightened out. I think we will be in real serious trouble if Bush manages to sneak by and get reelected.

It is nearing supper time. Three guesses what I am cooking up today...

I don’t know the name of it but the ingredients are squid, daikon, Konyamu wakame and gobo. It was a family favorite. We are having a district meeting* here tonight so I will share some of it with the WD. I have already tasted it and it tasted real authentic. I am (in my opinion) getting pretty good “international cuisine”. I pick up cooking tips from various sources. Yoshiko’s Chef at her Chinese restaurant let me in on some of his secrets. One of my favorites is a relatively simple chicken dish. It goes like this: completely thaw out a large frying chicken. In a large pan, bring enough water to completely the chicken to a rapid boil and let it cook for about 20 minutes. Remove from the boiling water. In the meantime, prepare a sauce using soy sauce, grated garlic, ginger cut in small strips, a little sugar, and a dash of hot sesame oil. Cut the chicken up into frying sized pieces, place on a platter and pour the sauce over the chicken. Finally, place chopped cilantro over the dish. It is simple and it is good! Note: It is necessary that the chicken not be frozen when it is placed in the boiling water. It is preferable that it be left out for a while to raise the temperature before boiling. On many occasions, I try to recall some of the dishes Mom used to make. She was not keen on letting me know too much about her cooking secrets. My traditional role in the kitchen while she was cooking was sort of like a kitchen helper, relegated to such simple tasks as fanning the cooked rice that she was going to use for making sushi, or slicing vegetables for tempura. None of the technical stuff. However, I did manage to steal some of her prized methods. This comes in handy because I have not lost any of my love for the taste of Japanese foods. I like to cook and also like to eat, so getting a balanced meal is not a problem at this point.

Rather than review my letter in its entirety to correct the misspelled words, I am going to send it on as it is written. In all probability, if I go back to edit it I will end up attempting to rewrite it and never finish. Anyway, you can figure out what I am trying to say. Today is Friday, the 2nd of October, a beautiful day. I have done morning Gongyo*, had breakfast, had a visitor who accompanied me on my walk around Prospect Lake. I plan to visit Richard this evening, perhaps spend the night there. He is so busy with his golf obsession and keeping up with his three business things that time is not sufficient for him to leave his area.

This is a picture I took when the kids were here this summer*. I think it is now time to say goodbye. Don’t you?

Love,

Dad

_______________________________________________________________________

*District Meeting* - Buddhist district meetings were monthly meet-ups for the area in which you lived. In bigger cities, like LA, there were more districts. In a city like Colorado Springs, districts were smaller and Buddhists drove further to get to meetings.

*WD* aka women’s division. The SGI has a long-standing tradition of peer group-led meetings. It’s always had men’s division, women’s division and youth division.

*morning Gongyo* - if you chanted morning gongyo you’re basically crushing it.

*no clue what picture* Oh how I wish I had it now.

[trillhouse-lh]

Never Again (Zombieverse)

>”Watch your back.” >”Yeah, yeah, I got it.” Lemy muttered. He tugged his hatchet from the now-dead shambler before him and wheeled around, burying it in the head of the one creeping up behind him. He’d known it was there, of course… between the slow movement and groaning, it was hard NOT to. “You could have helped, you know.” He glared at his sister, who was sitting nonchalantly on one of the cafeteria tables and watching with disinterest. Lupa simply shrugged. >”You had it under control.” She said flatly. “Besides, if worst comes to worst, I figure you’d make a pretty good zombie.” Lemy rolled his eyes and got to work dispatching the last few shamblers. Lupa had to admit, he’d gotten quite good at fighting the horde in the three months since the outbreak began… quite frankly, she’d never have expected it from the bumbling metalhead. Then again, she supposed the outbreak had changed ALL of them in one way or another.

>”I think that’s the last of them.” Lemy said as he wiped the sweat from his brow. They had gotten lucky; the school was not nearly as overrun as they would have expected. Judging by the number of bodies strewn about, he could only assume the survivors that had been holed up there before managed to kill most of the horde before being overtaken. >”Took you long enough.” Lupa said with a huff, hopping down from the table. “C’mon. Let’s check the kitchen.” Lemy nodded, wearing a deep frown as he took one last glance around the cafeteria. It felt weird, seeing it like this… he could only think of how things USED to be. He’d never liked school, but now he would give anything to go back to the daily grind. He really wished that Lyra had picked someone ELSE to search Royal Woods Elementary for supplies, but it wasn’t like he had any say in the matter.

>”Lemy. Come ON.” Lupa repeated. >”R-right…” Lemy sighed, holstering his axe and following his sister into the kitchen. “Don’t know why we’re bothering… this shit is barely food.” >”Can’t be picky,” Said the goth. “Just look for canned stuff. Anything non-perishable.” >”I know what to do, Lupa.” Lemy scoffed. >The two siblings gathered food in silence. It was sad that so many survivors had fallen here… they’d even spotted plenty of familiar faces among the dead. But that also meant that the school was still rich in supplies, which would no doubt please Lyra.

>”Guess that’s everything…” Lupa muttered, giving her satchel a little shake. >”Too bad it’s mostly beans though…” Lemy grumbled. “Looks like we’re getting hotboxed again tonight.” His sister let out a small chuckle; as they’d learned over the past few months, a large group plus beans meant they were in for a bad time. The two made their way back out to the cafeteria. >”So, where to ne-“ Lupa froze mid-stride, her eyes going wide. She sniffed at the air like a bloodhound, then her attention snapped to one of the dead zombies sprawled out on the floor. >”Lupa…? You alright?” >Lupa bolted right towards it, immediately dropping to her knees and fishing through the corpse’s pockets. She barely suppressed a squeal of delight as she found her prize: a carton of cigarettes. She flicked it open, finding that it was still mostly full. “Yessss.” She hissed.

>”For fuck’s sake, Lupa…” Her brother groaned. “You’re really gonna take that off a shambler? It’s probably, like… CONTAMINATED or something. And you know Lyra doesn’t want you smoking.” >”I’ll risk it. And Lyra can bite my freckled ass, I NEED this.” She wasted no time putting one of the cigs in her mouth and lighting it, taking a long drag. “Ffffuck yes.” She moaned as she blew a large plume of smoke. >”Alright, alright… come on. Let’s get moving.” Lemy grunted. “Pretty sure we’ve checked everywhere worth looking. Besides, we can’t carry much more.” >”We haven’t checked the sports fields.” Lupa said. “I bet the equipment shed has plenty of shit we can use.” >”Good thinking,” Lemy agreed. Baseball bats made for excellent weapons, and even hockey sticks and the like could be useful once he’d modified them a bit.

>As they walked through the empty school halls. Lemy couldn’t help but glance at his sister. On the surface, she didn’t seem to have changed much… she was still the deadpan, morose girl he’d always known. She even still cracked the occasional morbid joke. Perhaps it was due to how many zombie films she’d watched over the years, or maybe it was because she’d never cared much for the world in the first place. >Still, Lemy knew her well, and he could tell that underneath her disinterested façade she had become a far colder person than she had been. She was one of the few to not question Lyra’s increasingly severe orders, after all.

>The school grounds were mostly free of zombies; or at least, they were too far away for the two to worry about right now. They hurried towards the equipment shack and found that, thankfully, the lock had already been busted open. Lupa drew her handgun. >”Be on guard… someone may still be hiding in here.” The goth warned. “Remember-“ >”Trust no one. I know, Lupa.” Lemy said. They slipped inside, glancing around with their weapons at the ready. Empty. With a sigh of relief, they holstered their weapons and began the search. >”Shit… this is a fucking treasure trove,” Lupa muttered. Indeed, there were plenty of supplies… far more than they could hope to carry. There were bats, hockey sticks, and even bundles of rope; hell, even the football gear could make for some excellent protection against zombie and human alike.

>Then, while Lemy was searching one of the equipment lockers, he heard it: the familiar groan of a shambler, accompanied by a metallic banging... and it was CLOSE. Lemy quickly drew his axe and turned, only to find nothing there. >The boy’s eyes narrowed as he scanned for the source of the noise, before realizing it was coming from another nearby locker. Judging from the specks of blood leading to it, it was clear what had happened… some poor bastard must have been wounded and hid in the locker, only to perish and ultimately turn into a shambler. In any case, it didn’t seem that it could get out.

>Lemy frowned. He could leave well enough alone, but he couldn’t help but feel sorry for the creature. He wondered if they were truly as brain-dead as they appeared, or if, perhaps, at some level they were aware of their plight. It was a thought that had haunted him since the outbreak began. >Lemy sighed, tightening his grip on his hatchet. He knew it wasn’t worth risking it, but he figured he should end its suffering… besides, it was only one. He could handle it, no problem. >The metalhead readied his axe, carefully reaching for the door handle. He took a deep breath to focus himself. At this distance, he had to make sure he hit his mark. Without further hesitation, he threw open the door and swung down his axe…

>…Only to freeze mid-swing. >Lemy’s blood ran cold, his eyes widening at the disheveled creature before him: dark, mottled skin. Dreadlocks tied back into a messy ponytail. Dead eyes, and a visible bite mark on his forearm. >It was Gordon. >He’d gotten himself wedged in the narrow locker, and grasped in vain at the meal standing before him. Even as the horrible thing’s fingertips grazed his nose, Lemy remained frozen in horror. He’d always known that his friend could very well have died, but to see it himself was too much for him to handle; he looked fresh, too. He couldn’t have turned more than a few days ago. >If only they’d checked the school earlier, Lemy could have saved him.

>Finally, ‘Gordon’s’ struggles bore fruit and it began to slip free from its prison. Still, Lemy didn’t move. Nor did he move when his former friend grabbed him, nor when it bared its teeth and lurched forward. >The shambler’s teeth were barely an inch away from the boy when a single gunshot rang out. Dark blood splattered against Lemy’s face and the creature fell to the ground; thankfully, none landed in his open mouth. Lemy stared down at his fallen friend in silence, then glanced to the other end of the shack. >Lupa stood with her pistol in her hand, a faint wisp of smoke drifting from the barrel. She had a wild look in her eyes, and Lemy couldn’t tell if she was angry or scared… both, perhaps. Her glare snapped from the dead shambler to her blood-spattered brother. >”What the FUCK are you DOING…?!” She hissed. Lemy didn’t answer; he glanced back down at his closest friend, or at least what USED to be his closest friend.

>”G-Gordon…” He stammered. Lupa’s teeth clenched in rage and she strode over to her brother, grabbing him by the wrist. >”We need to GO.” She snarled. “Every shambler on the grounds will have heard that.” >”I-“ >”COME ON!” Lupa snapped, forcefully dragging the shaken boy out of the shed. Sure enough, a large number of shamblers had begun advancing towards the building. “Shit…” Lupa hissed. She broke into a run, pulling Lemy behind her. He was still in a daze, and blindly followed, not even reacting as they narrowly slipped between several zombies. By the time they’d gotten a safe distance away, they were both out of breath and dripping with sweat.

>Lemy leant against a tree, letting his pounding heart settle a bit. He glanced up at Lupa, only to immediately be met with a hard slap across his face. >”WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” The girl was quaking with rage, her hazel eyes piercing through him like never before. Lemy rubbed his stinging cheek and averted his eyes from his sister. >”I-it was Gor-“ Lemy was cut off by another slap, to his right cheek this time. >”IT WAS A SHAMBLER!” Lupa screamed. “He was DEAD, Lemy! That THING was not your friend!” Lemy’s face scrunched up in shame. “You… you just stood there… you nearly DIED, you FUCKING IDIOT!” >”I-I didn’t-“ >”We can’t hesitate, Lemy! We can’t have MERCY! Don’t you understand that?!” Lupa’s voice was growing unsteady. “W-we can’t…! We can’t end up like…” She trailed off, her face twisting in pain. “…Like dad. Not… not you too.”

>Lemy winced. He’d never seen Lupa so furious before, and he knew she was right… he’d let his emotions get the better of him. If she hadn’t been there, that would have been it for him. He forced himself to look at his sister; she was staring off to the side, her eyes clearly glistening with tears. For someone like Lupa, who closed herself off to even her closest siblings, it was an unprecedented sight. Lemy felt a pit in his stomach. >Slowly, he reached out and hugged the girl. For the first time he could recall, she didn’t try to pull away, though she didn’t return it either. “I’m sorry.” He said quietly. “It… it won’t happen again.” Lupa simply sniffed and nodded. >”…It better not.” She muttered, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. “Let’s go.” >”…Yeah.” Lemy let go of his sister.

>There was an uncomfortable silence between the two as they made their way back to the safehouse. Lemy couldn’t help but notice that Lupa kept one hand on her gun the entire time; thankfully, she didn’t need to use it. The two paused for a moment outside the convenience store. >”…Lupa.” Lemy said. “I really am sorry. I-“ >”It’s fine.” Lupa sighed. “Sorry I hit you.” >”You hit me all the time, though.” That one earned him a small chuckle from the girl. >”Well… you know.” She said with a shrug. “Anyway, I won’t tell Lyra this time. THIS time.” Lupa warned. Lemy swallowed and nodded. >”Like I said…” Lemy assured her as he knocked on the door: three solid thumps followed by two lighter ones, as was their code. “Never again.”

[tinkering-survivor]

[@burlybeardlord @ds-secret-santa I’m so sorry this is so late! It took a good while to decide what to do with your request, and I went through a few scraps and rewrites before finally ending up with a finished product that would satisfy both me as a creator and you as a reader. I hope you like it! ^^’]

“It should be done just about-”

*FWOOM*

“Finally! Now, let’s see what we’ve got-UGH!”

The distraught chef flinched away from the crock pot and its contents in utter revulsion. While Warly’s culinary experimentations – especially his latest work on the Constant’s foodstuffs – occasionally lead to mixed results, he’d usually produce something that was at least edible. This slimy, pungent purple meat concoction his precious crock pot had produced didn’t seem to have that quality.

“If I cannot continue to hone my craft while within the confines of this world then what is there left for me?” He knew he was being melodramatic, but this didn’t seem to be an isolated incident. Ever since he’d reassembled that mechanical boat and woke up in an uncomfortably temperate new world, Warly had had trouble doing what he did best: creating culinary masterpieces that delighted all the senses. The incredibly basic ingredients left much to be desired, and more often than not his attempts at experimentation resulted in either pretty basic dishes or just plain failure. This particular bit of nastiness he’d unwittingly unleashed upon the world was definitely the latter.

Sighing, Warly proceeded to dispose of the mess, making sure to handle it with care so it wouldn’t spill and make an even worse mess. Unfortunately there wasn’t anywhere to properly dispose of something so vile, so he just left it at the tree line of a nearby pine forest; he hoped the smell wouldn’t permeate his camp while it inevitably degraded and rotted since it was so far away from his camp. He then quickly left the scene, returned to his camp, and busied himself with thoroughly scrubbing his poor crock pot to remove any trace of the abomination.

Meanwhile, the aroma had attracted something to the area.

The being had been foraging in the same pine forest that afternoon when they were suddenly attracted by a particular smell. While the revolting smell of finely minced monster meat would be enough to make even the hungriest person decline a meal, there were some things in the Constant that could stomach - and even enjoy – the vile stuff. As the oh-so “delightful” aroma of whatever it was that Warly had pulled out of his crock pot wafted through the pines, the unknown thing paused their search for food when they caught the scent. They hesitated for a moment or two before following the smell to its source.

As the tree line grew nearer the thing paused their advance upon seeing a person approaching. Fearing for their safety they ducked into a bush to conceal themselves, unsure of how the unfamiliar human would react to them. Luckily the stranger had neither seen nor heard them and had proceeded to do… whatever it was they were doing. Whatever that something was, they seemed to be in a hurry. After the stranger left in a hurry, the hidden being crept out of the bush to investigate, the enticing smell from earlier being stronger than ever.

Warly was still trying to remove any trace of the crime against good taste he had created from the crock pot. Without any proper soap he’d resigned to using hot water, which meant a lot more scrubbing. It would be safe to assume he was more or less preoccupied for the moment, which was probably why he hadn’t heard anything approaching his encampment. Hell, he didn’t even notice the stench of monster meat that had come back with a vengeance until the wind changed course. His eyes narrowed in annoyance at the returning smell; at first he thought the scent was just being carried on the wind, but after a moment he noticed it seemed… pretty darn close.

Sensing something fishy (actually “fishy” would be an improvement) was afoot, Warly turned around to see what was the matter. There wasn’t much in his camp, so he usually noticed abnormalities instantly. This time was definitely no different. After all, would anyone be able to miss a four-foot-tall spider with sharp fangs and glowing eyes?

Webber made sure to look around to see if the coast was clear before stepping out of the relative safety of the woods and into the open. They sniffed at the air, similarly to how one might do so while a holiday feast was being prepared. In an instant they homed in on the source of the smell - which was indeed monster meat, but prepared in a way they weren’t familiar with; raw meat (rather unusual given that many found raw meat of any kind to be nauseating) minced finely, mixed with spices and other flavorings they’d never seen in the Constant, and topped with raw egg yolk.

They stooped down and picked up the small plate. Even if the main component of the dish was monster meat, it seemed a lot more deliberate in ingredient choice than many dishes produced by a crock pot; they just couldn’t imagine why anyone would just toss out such a well-prepared meal. They figured it must’ve been a mistake of some sort.

As much as they wanted the food for themselves, Webber decided to return it. Though one might see this as a fruitless gesture since the meal had been deliberately left in the woods, there was a certain logic to their decision; after all how many times had they had to leave cool stuff behind to make more room in their pockets for more useful fare? The man who’d left it there was long gone, but they remembered where he went. The plume of smoke that presumably rose from a campfire certainly helped, too.

When they got to the stranger’s camp they found him with his back to them, busily scrubbing away at a rather fancy-looking crock pot. They made sure to be extra quiet, not wanting to startle him by making loud or sudden noises. As they drew near the wind picked up behind them, causing them to stop in place and shiver from the sudden cold. Suddenly the man they’d been watching turned around, eyes going wide as his locked with theirs.In a flash Warly took refuge behind the crock pot in an effort to put a barricade of any sort between him and the monster. “Get back, you fiend!” He felt around in search of a weapon, drawing a crude flint carving knife and brandishing it at the interloper. “Back, I said! I’ll have you know I’m an accomplished butcher!”

Meanwhile Webber was frozen in place, shivering and shaking slightly. They dared not move, not wanting to get the business end of that admittedly kinda cruddy knife. Though they’d forgotten for a moment when stranger panicked, they remembered why they’d even followed him to his camp and held up the small platter they’d found in an effort to placate him.

“Pl-please calm down, m-mister! We’re not here to hurt you!” they stammered, shrinking back a little. “We just wanted to give this back to you.” They held the meal out so the man could get a better look at it.

In an instant Warly’s expression changed from terrified to disgusted when his attention was drawn from the spider to the… plate… they were holding… in their hands… Hands? Spiders don’t have hands! At least he didn’t think so. They sure didn’t in the Archipelago. He lowered the knife, but still kept hold of it just in case.

“Why would I want that?” he questioned. “It is a culinary abomination and quite frankly I am disgusted by the fact I created it.”

Webber was glad the man seemed to have settled down; now their own nerves could to relax as well. They stood up straighter – slowly so as to not startle him again – and tilted their head quizzically at him. “What’re you talking about? It looks pretty tasty to me.”

“Really?” Warly responded with a hint of skepticism. “You think poisonous mincemeat looks ‘tasty’?” At first he thought the… child(?) had a screw or two loose, but it really did make sense once he took their beastly appearance into account. Still, he couldn’t put his own sensibilities aside, and his “monster tartare” looked and smelled thoroughly disgusting.

“Yeah!” Webber chirped enthusiastically. “We’ve never seen anyone cook anything like that before – especially not with monster meat. We’ve only been able to make lasagna with it, but that gets boring sometimes.” They rocked on their heels, thinking for a moment or two, before speaking again. “Can we try it?”

The chef stared at the child again, donning a similar quizzical head tilt for himself before carefully setting his knife down and shrugging with indifference. Webber took this as permission and sat down to enjoy the new treat. They did their best to eat neatly, but without any utensils it was kind of a lost cause. They put a tiny bite in their mouth, and immediately their eyes lit up as well as spider eyes could and their extra appendages flared out in a decidedly nonthreatening way.

“Hey, this is really good,” they said between bites, “even better than lasagna!” They hastily dug in as Warly looked on in surprise. Though he’d expected the kid to be able to tolerate the toxins in the meat, he hadn’t expected them to actually enjoy it at all – let alone as much as they seemed to.

“...Pardon?” Warly questioned somewhat flatly. At this point he turned away and pondered to himself, arms crossed and foot tapping away. “Surely this child must be desperate for any sort of meal; steak tartare is an acquired taste as is - to say nothing of this more monstrous variety - and I’ve never seen anyone take an immediate liking to it. Even I don’t particularly care for it.”

“Um, are you okay mister? We’ve always been told it’s not good to talk to yourself.”

At this prompting the man whirled back around to face his impromptu visitor. “Sorry, sorry. I just find it a bit hard to swallow that you - anyone, really - would find that culinary abomination palatable.” He leaned against the crock pot and sighed tiredly. “To think this place has reduced me to serving literal garbage to the children of monsters.”

“Aw, don’t say that,” Webber said as they finished their meal. “I bet lots of people would like your food - especially if you made something that was safe for everyone.”

“Yes, and I suppose you’d know quite a few lost souls who are also trapped in this inescapable wilderness?” Warly jokingly asked. “No doubt there’s scores of folks out there who’d line up to get a taste of Chef Warly’s ‘exotic’ masterpieces?”

“Well, actually yeah? I mean, it’s not like none of us can cook, but-”

“Wait, there’s more of you?! More people, that is?!”

“Yeah! There’s Miss Willow, Mister Woodie, Miss Winona...”

“So there are people here - real people!” In his excitement Warly almost didn’t catch himself. “Er, no offense to you, my small friend. For so long the only company I’ve had has been snarky parrots and irritable pigs, both making rather poor patrons. But now I might actually get to share my craft with people who might actually appreciate it.” His expression fell somewhat as a thought crossed his mind, though. “Of course, I can’t help but wonder if I’ve lapsed after so long without any real critique.”

“I don’t know,” Webber responded. “It seems like you’d have to be pretty good to make something that’s weird and tasty. Even if any other cool recipes you made up aren’t as good they’d be better than having meatballs every night.” Their tone became more solemn before they continued. “But we understand if you’re nervous; we were nervous when we met other people for the first time too. But they liked us! Now it’s almost like a big nest, only everyone helps take care of each other instead of fighting and hissing all the time - only sometimes.” They quietly chittered at that, seemingly amused. “I’m sure that everyone will be nice like they were with us.” 

It certainly was tempting. After all, it’d been what seemed like an eternity since he’d been around real people. On one hand, he missed the comfort of civilization, and maybe integrating into a community, however small and mismatched, would benefit both him and whoever else in the long run. On the other hand, he’d been tricked by this world many times before, and he didn’t feel too keen on the idea of falling for any more traps. In the end, basic human need won out over reason. It wasn’t like he’d been seriously invested in this little camp of his anyway since the only thing of real value could be easily transported.

“Alright, I concede.” In no time at all Warly had his personal portable crock pot packed up and ready to go. “Au revoir, camp.” He adjusted his hold on the cookware and turned towards the beastly child. “I don’t suppose you’d care to lead the way, young man?”

In a flash Webber took hold of Warly’s free hand and eagerly pulled him along. “C’mon, camp’s this way! We’d better hurry though; none of the adults like it when we’re gone for so long by ourselves.”

[gethealthy18-blog]

328: How to Live Fearlessly and Work Through Roadblocks With Rhonda Britten

New Post has been published on http://healingawerness.com/news/328-how-to-live-fearlessly-and-work-through-roadblocks-with-rhonda-britten/

328: How to Live Fearlessly and Work Through Roadblocks With Rhonda Britten

Child: Welcome to my Mommy’s podcast.

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This episode is sponsored by Beekeeper’s Naturals, which is my go-to source for all things bee-related. If you’re not familiar with them, they’re an amazing company. They make clean remedies that really work and that my whole family loves to take, no fight required. I’m sure you probably know that bees are absolutely vital to our global food system. And Beekeeper’s Naturals is on a mission to save the bees while creating products that support humans as well. They source all of their bee products sustainably and do a lot to support healthy bee colonies. All of their products, of course, are gluten-free, non-GMO, naturally-sourced, and keto-friendly. My personal favorite is their propolis spray which I use for natural immune support. I never have to fight my kids to take it because it tastes delicious and it’s my first line of defense at any sign of sniffles or cough or any time I’m traveling. I also really love their B.LXR Brain Fuel, which is a caffeine-free way to support focus and energy. I take this on days like today with podcasting when I need a little extra mental boost. As a listener of this podcast, you can save 15% on all Beekeeper’s Naturals products. Go to beekeepersnaturals.com/wellnessmama, and the code “wellnessmama” saves you 15%.

Katie: Hello and welcome to the Wellness Mama Podcast. I’m Katie from wellnessmama.com, and I think you’re really going to enjoy today’s guest as we delve into the mental and the emotional side of health. I’m here with Emmy Award winning Rhonda Britten, who is a repeat Oprah guest and has worked with thousands of people in her program of what she calls “Fearless Living.” She has one of the most amazing stories I’ve heard, both in her own personal transformation and what she went through in her life, and now in what she does to help, like I said, thousands and thousands of people. And in this episode, we go deep on how you can move through fear in your personal life, and also when it’s widespread and societal like it is right now for many people. And she gives really practical tips and starting points for how you can shift your inner voice and your inner fears, and use them to your advantage in life rather than fighting them. So without further ado, let’s learn from Rhonda.

Rhonda, welcome. Thanks for being here.

Rhonda: I am so excited to be here talking about my very favorite subject, fear.

Katie: Well, I think it’s a very timely subject right now. There’s a lot of uncertainty still going around right now and I think there couldn’t be a more pertinent time to talk about this and probably, I’m excited to hear from you and to get tips from you and I hope that it will help many people listening as well. But as background, I would love to hear a little bit of your story and how you became this voice of fearless living and helping so many thousands of people.

Rhonda: Thank you. Well, you know, it wasn’t… I think most of us who are now dedicated to supporting people, to helping people, to guiding people, to helping them move through whatever they’re moving through, right, and me specifically fearless living/fear is because I lived in fear most of my life, but I didn’t know it. And I think that’s a real key point, Katie. I think most people don’t walk around saying, “I’m afraid,” or “I’m scared.” Maybe right now they’re actually admitting it more than normal. But most of us don’t walk around saying, “I’m afraid,” or “I’m scared.” And I didn’t either.

And you know, I did, you know, a lot of different, you know, read books, took workshops, did at a whole bunch of things to change my life, but they really didn’t get me over the feeling that there’s something wrong with me. And, you know, you asked the question like, how did it really all start? Well, you know, if I really look back on where did this begin, it was when I was 14 years old. And, you know, my favorite book at the time was, ”Why am I Afraid to Tell you who I am,” which I find completely ironic that now I teach people how to not be afraid to be who they are, right?

But it was on Father’s Day. My parents were recently separating and I, you know, my father was coming over to take us to brunch, which, you know, there’s three kids, two adults, five people. We didn’t really go out to dinner or lunch or brunch ever. So this was a big special event. And my father comes in, “Come on, come on.” My sisters are in the bathroom fighting it out. I have two sisters. We lived in about an 850-square-foot house. And my mom and I start walking out with my dad, my sisters still in the bathroom fighting it out, and my dad looks at me and says, ”I’ve got to get my coat from the car.” And so he opens his trunk to grab his coat. But instead of grabbing his coat, he grabbed a gun and he started screaming at my mother, ”You made me do this. You made me do this.” And I start screaming, ”What are you doing, dad? What are you doing?” And he shoots my mother and I am frozen, right? I don’t know what to do. I’m frozen. And my father cocks the gun and points it at me. And I absolutely believe I’m next. And my father looks at me. I look at him, and like, we’re like literally eyeball to eyeball and you know, he blinks, I blink, and I’m just waiting. I’m just waiting for the bullet.

And in my mother’s literal last breath, she sees that gun in my face and screams, ”No, stop.” And my father realizing my mother’s still alive, takes that bullet intended for me and shoots my mother a second time. And that second bullet goes through my mother’s abdomen, out her back and lands in the car horn. And so for the next 20 minutes, all I heard was BEEEEP. And then my father cocks the gun again and he drops to his knees, puts the gun to his head and fires.

So in two minutes, I was the sole witness of watching my father murder my mother and commit suicide in front of me. And I don’t know how other people would respond, but basically, how I responded was…I mean, I didn’t do anything to stop my father from killing my mother. You know, I blamed myself. I didn’t grab the gun. I did nothing heroic. I didn’t kick him in the knees. I didn’t jump in front of my mother. I did no superhero stuff. I just stood there frozen saying, “Stop, stop,” right? And in that moment, I basically split in two, Katie. You know, half of me was, you know, “I’m fine, I’m fine. I’m a straight-A student. I’ll still be a straight-A student and I’ll pretend all of this didn’t happen.” And then the other part of me just had so much guilt and shame.

And, you know, when you witness your father murdering your mother, you don’t get to be happy ever again. Like I just really resigned myself that I don’t ever get to be happy. And so for the next 20 years, I tried to kill myself three times. I became an alcoholic. I got three DUIs. And you know, it was that third suicide attempt that I realized I’m not very good at killing myself and I’ve gotta figure out another way. And I remember going back to my little tiny studio apartment after that third suicide attempt, realizing, “Well, if I’m not gonna die, I better figure out how to live.”

And, you know, during those 20 years of alcoholism and nightmares and, you know, etc., etc., and suicide attempts, I did read books and I did go to workshops and I did go to therapy. I did everything one would think they should do. But like I shared earlier, there was this overwhelming feeling that there was still something really fundamentally wrong with me.

And so when I went to that little studio apartment after my third suicide attempt, I remember saying to myself, “Like, if I’m not dying, I’ve gotta figure out how to live and I’ve gotta figure this out.” And so I started making up exercises for myself. And I just wanna say this, Katie, I was not proud of myself for doing this. I thought I was so screwed up that I had to make stuff up for myself. So I was really ashamed that I had to do this. And the good news, though, those exercises started to work for me, started to shift my mindset, started to shift the way I saw the world, started to heal me, started to move me into the direction of what’s now called Fearless Living.

So what I teach today is just an extension, and of course, an expansion, because now I’ve been doing it for 25 years, of what I started that moment when had to decide, you know, “Rhonda, you can’t keep going this way. You have to make a decision and you have to decide to live. You have to decide to thrive. You have to decide to become the person you were born to be.” And that was the, you know, the germination, the first seed that started like…you know, again, it took many, many years to, you know, offer this to the public or even think I could do it. I mean, I was…it took me many years before…you know, from the moment I started creating the exercises to actually thinking that they could help anyone but me.

But that was the moment, you know. I really do think that… I do really do think that somehow this is, you know, a life’s, you know, commitment by me and my parents to move the world to see fear differently through our experience and then through my being alive and trying to figure it out for myself and me admitting that I’m afraid. Because again, for most of my life, even after that happened, I never admitted I was afraid. So when I started understanding how fear worked, everything changed for me, Katie. Everything changed. And that was the beginning of a new life, a beginning of being able to be happy, a beginning of, you know, peace of mind, a beginning of, you know, self-esteem and self-worth and self-confidence and self-acceptance and everything that I’d always yearned for.

Katie: Wow. I know every time I hear your story, it just gives me goosebumps and it’s so incredible to hear what you’ve overcome and what you faced, which is so much more than many people think they’ll ever have to face. And I think that’s so inspiring, on the one hand. Then I think another reaction you maybe get, I’m curious if you do, but is people who haven’t had to go through something as difficult as that saying, you know, “I’m not walking around with that level of having gone through something or that level of fear. So do I really need to actually address this? Like do I need fearless living if I haven’t had to face something that horrific?”

Rhonda: Yeah, I think that’s a great question, Katie. And you know, my motto is, you know, “Fear is fear is fear,” and every single person alive has fear whether they know it or not. And they do because it’s part of our neurobiology. So, whether it’s, you know, fear of rejection, fear of failure. Because, you know, we’re talking about when my father took that gun out, you know, that’s called fear of survival, fear of living. Like, you know, I’m gonna die, right? So, most of us don’t understand the difference between a physical fear and an emotional fear. And we really don’t kind of give credence to emotional fears most of us. But physical fears of, you know, being shot or, you know, rape or something horrific, you know, most of the time, for most people, knock on wood, they don’t have to experience that on a daily basis.

Their physical fear is not what they’re experiencing. But what they are experiencing most days is an emotional fear. Like, “Do I start my own business?” Well, that decision probably is being decided by fear more than we’d like to admit and more than we’re probably aware of because it sounds like a rational, practical, like, “Well, no. It’s not a good time to do that,” you know, or whether we move or whether we fall in love or whether we leave or any of the decisions that we have to make most of the time, unless we’re really clean, really clear and understand how fear works, fear is making too many of our decisions for us, again, under the guise of rationale or practical or, “It’s the best thing to do,” or again, “This is the best thing my mother would tell me to do,” etc., etc.

So, you know, I pray that nobody has to experience what I do and I pray that nobody has to experience horrific circumstances. But what I do know from the people that I’ve worked with, whether it’s a minister, whether it’s a stay-at-home mom, whether it’s a CEO, doesn’t matter, everybody has, whether they’re awake to it or not, fear because again, it’s part of our neurobiology. It’s part of the way our brain works. It’s part of the way our body works. So unless you understand it, most people get confused by it and they actually believe the signals of fear rather than believe their own true nature, you know, follow their own path.

Katie: Wow. Yeah. I think that’s such a beautiful description. And I know another objection you probably hear relatively often and certainly that I held on to and hid behind for a lot of number of years is the idea that some fear is good and that, you know, fear can keep us safe. I even hear people teach their kids that of like, you know, “You wanna be afraid of strangers and snakes and whatever it may be because that keeps you safe.” And so I’m curious, what do you say to people who try to argue, you know, why do we wanna get rid of fears, don’t we wanna hold on to them?

Rhonda: Well first of all, you can’t get rid of fear. So that’s impossible. It’s part of our neurobiology. So there’s no getting rid of fear. But there is transcending fear. There is befriending fear. There is mastering fear. But there’s no getting rid of it. So if anyone ever says to you, “Oh, get rid of this fear for good,” it’s like they’d have to give you a lobotomy, right? Like that’s not possible, right? So it is about working through your fear. Now, when you hear parents and, you know, “Watch as you cross the street,” and, you know, “Don’t eat that, that’s really bad for you,” or “You have an allergy,” or you know any of those things, that’s actually a physical survival fear.

And if I’m in an elevator and I’m feeling freaked out or get an intuitive hit that I should get out, yeah, get out. Right? And yeah, do I wanna go bungee jumping? Not so much, right? So there’s a big difference between physical fears, you know, what our parents usually tell us, right? Like, you know, watch out for traffic. Be careful, right? They wanna keep us safe. They wanna keep us alive. But where the problem comes in is because the brain doesn’t know the difference between an emotional fear and a physical fear, those same fears are kind of handed down emotionally as well. So that fear of walking across the street turns into fear of taking risks, a fear of falling in love, a fear of connecting, a fear of telling the truth, a fear of sharing a secret, a fear of being intimate, a fear of starting my own business, a fear of moving, right?

So those physical fears that we’re taught again, out of the goodness of our parents’ heart and our community’s heart, and of course we want to stay physically safe. But again, what it does is it actually translates into an emotional fear. And so those emotional fears, that fear of rejection, that fear of loss, that fear of intimacy, that fear of success, that fear of failure, that fear of being inadequate, that fear of looking stupid, the fear of fearing being lazy, the fear of, you know, being a loser, right? I could go on and on. Those fears subtly, you know, quietly, insidiously, impact our thinking. And again, this is all from our neurobiology, from our brain. It’s not something that, you know, I made up in the middle of the night and just, you know, it’s not scientific-base. It’s like, no, no, no, no. This is our neurobiology and our neurobiology, the brain, doesn’t know the difference between a physical fear and an emotional fear. The brain doesn’t know the difference between something you make up versus what’s real. So you walk into a networking meeting or you go to a party and you say, “These aren’t my people,” you I bet manufactured that, you know, and you call it intuition. But you manufactured that because of your neurobiology of fear.

So the brain doesn’t know the difference between physical and emotional, doesn’t know the difference between real and imagined. What they’re now discovering is that fear, many times, is handed down through our DNA. So some of the things that you are afraid of actually came from your great, great grandmother, right? And the other thing we know about fear is that there’s no getting rid of it, right? There’s no getting rid of it. So you wanna learn how to work with it. You wanna understand its purpose so that you no longer get stopped by it, so that you know how fear sounds versus freedom sounds. You know the difference between fear and love. You know the difference between, you know, fear of, you know, being, you know, your authentic self versus really living in the risk of being your authentic self.

Like, you know the difference so you can walk in a life that really suits you, that really is your life to live and not let fear decide for you because fear is subtle, insidious. It knows everything you know. It’s as smart as you are, educated as you are, spiritual as you are, as knowledgeable as you are. So it uses everything that you know against you. Get more spiritual, it gets more spiritual. So again, there’s a big difference between people thinking that fear is just a physical fear when really, the day-to-day living that we go through, our emotional fears are actually deciding too much of our life, not our physical fears.

Katie: So then if we can’t get rid of fear, which makes total sense, you mentioned we have to learn to work with it or to make it good for us. So walk us through what are the first steps of that? Because that seems like an overwhelming process.

Rhonda: Yeah, well it’s just easier than you think because, of course, that’s what I’ve been doing for 25 years and I know that I needed an easy process, right? Like, I couldn’t have anything complicated, right? Like, I needed ABC. In order to live it every day, I need ABC. And so I created something called the Wheel of Fear and the Wheel of Freedom. And the Wheel of Fear and Wheel of Freedom have four parts each. But I wanna focus on a couple of parts just to start getting people on the pathway.

So the Wheel of Fear has something called Fear Responses. Okay. So for instance, you know, we all kind of know what we think our problems are, right? Like most of us can like, name our problems. You know, procrastination, perfectionism, I get anxious, overwhelmed, you know. So we kind of know like, “Oh, I compare. I compete. You know, I feel guilty. I get worried.” Like, we know. “You know, I people-please. You know, I give too much. I’m just somebody who gives.” So we all probably know some of the ways that fear actually is influencing us right now. And what we do, Katie, is we call them our problems, or we call them our character flaws, or we say that they’re our character defects, or we say that’s what we’re bad about, or that’s our problem, you know, beating ourselves up, etc., making excuses, complaining, etc.

So the first thing that I want to give people relief from is those are just fear responses. So your procrastination, your perfectionism, you’re overwhelmed, you’re complaining, you’re feeling guilty, you’re worried, comparing, again, beating yourself up. All of those things are the way that our neurobiology has created a, you know, kind of a way to keep ourselves safe, from an emotional standpoint. And the way that it’s tricked us is that we think those are our problems, right? We think procrastination is our problem. And in fact, procrastination is just a symptom, a fear response to a deeper fear.

So if you can really start seeing like, “Oh, you mean my overeating isn’t because I’m lazy?” No, it’s not because you’re lazy. No, it’s actually you’re over-eating because there’s a fear driving that overeating. “Oh, you mean procrastination is not that I’m lazy?” No, it’s not. Procrastination isn’t because you’re lazy. Procrastination, again, is a fear response to a deeper, deeper fear.

So we wouldn’t complain if we didn’t have a fear. We wouldn’t get overwhelmed if we didn’t have a fear. We wouldn’t feel guilty if we didn’t have a fear. We wouldn’t worry if we didn’t have a fear. So all the things that we think are our problems, you know, 3 things, 10 things, 20 things, are actually a symptom of one thing and that is what I call the core fear, that trigger that really ignites all of those fear responses. So one of the first things, Katie, people can do is actually write down all the ways they trip themselves up, all the ways they trick themselves, all the way the problems that they think they have. So, you know, spend some time and just go, “Okay, yeah, I procrastinate. Yup. Yup. I get overwhelmed. Yup. Yup. I get anxious. Yep. I am a perfectionist. Yep. I try. I’m a control freak. Yep.” And just write them down.

Start owning that, “Okay, these are the ways that I respond when I’m in fear.” And what I want everyone to hear right now is that, you are not your wheel of fear. You are not your wheel of fear. You are not with your wheel fear. And all of those fear responses were honed and created, again, through our DNA, but also, you know, from our family, from our life experience, from, you know, who we hung out with. And the wheel of fear was formed by the time you were five. So, you know, you’re not stupid, lazy, ignorant, inadequate, etc, or worthless. You know, you’re just having a fear that you don’t know what to do with. So you’ve created a way to manage it through procrastination, overwhelm, guilt, shame, etc., etc.

So the first thing to do, Katie, is just to start writing down some of the things that you do and start really noticing and knowing that these are not character flaws, there’s nothing wrong with you. And if I could say one thing to everybody, it’s like there’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s just fear. So I think that’s one of the easiest things to start doing is just starting to notice them. And then, of course, you know, I work with clients and, of course, in my book and workshops, etc., I help people identify that core fear that they have that really drives all these behaviors.

And the number one thing that people experience when they understand what their core fear is, because your core fear is probably not fear of failure. It’s probably not fear of success, probably not fear of rejection. Those are all really probably fear responses. But when you identify that core fear, what I hear from people over and over again is my life makes sense. I understand why I’ve done everything I’ve done and a level of peace of mind comes in because now you know, it’s not you. You’re not a bad person. You’re not a stupid person. You’re not a lazy person. You’re not an…you know, there’s not something wrong with you. It’s actually an individualized fear that was created by the time you were five. And so we’re just acting it out at the age of 30, 40, 50 because it’s worked on some level. It’s kept us safe on some level. And so, you know, the fear wants to do one thing and one thing only and it just wants to keep us safe. And we’ve bought into that because we don’t know any difference, right?

So again, the first thing that I would invite people to do is just start recognizing the things that they do and start labeling them different. Instead of, “These are my problems,” go, “These are my fear responses. This is how I respond when I’m afraid. These are not character flaws. I’m not bad because I do these things. These are just things that I do automatically because that’s how I’ve been trained to respond to fear. But there is a different way.”

Katie: That makes so much sense. And I experienced that myself over the last couple of years working through some past experiences. And there was this kind of profound moment of realizing that some of these things that I was so angry with myself over and that I wasn’t getting past, realizing they had protected me in a lot of ways at certain times and helped me even to become who I am now and that they were…and like basically moving from a point of, like, frustration with myself and fear about these things, to a place of gratitude that my mind and my body knew what to do to protect me and then being able to say, “But I don’t need you to keep me safe in this way anymore.”

And so I’m curious what is the next step? Like, once we’re able to identify that, I would guess there’s a tremendous amount of self-compassion that comes just from being able to realize this is not a deficiency. I’m not, you know, not good because of this.” But what’s the next step of then making that our friend and moving forward?

Rhonda: Well, there’s something called the Wheel of Fear like I mentioned, and then the Wheel of Freedom. And what I help people do is, again, like I said, identify their core fear, but more importantly, I help them identify their pathway out. You know, we hear a lot about mental models and filtering systems. And neuroscience says now that the only way to truly change your life on a core level is to change how you filter the world. Literally, change the glasses you wear. Literally, start seeing the world differently. And that’s what the Wheel of Fear and Wheel of Freedom do. You move from the Wheel of Fear filter to the Wheel of Freedom filter.

Now, I do wanna give a caveat here, Katie, that, you know, I know that people probably are walking around 80% fearless, right? Some people are 20% fearless, but there’s some areas of our life where we’re already doing this naturally. You know, we are fearless naturally, but there’s other areas of life that fear does have its way with us. So we might be fearless in career, but fearful in relationships, and all of our anxiety comes up, all of our worry comes up. Or it might be different and opposite. Like, “Oh, my God, my relationships are awesome. I’m really able to communicate and intimate, but it’s my career where I get all caught up in money and worth and oh, you know, making money and oh, what do I do?”

And some of us are great in those areas and have difficult time with self-care and play and connection, right? So I’m not implying that everybody is afraid everywhere, but I want you to, first of all, to really name the area that you do have some fear and that you do doubt yourself, that you do put yourself down, that you do compare yourself to others. I think that’s really important to start giving yourself credit for the things that you already have ”handled,” and areas that you’re like, “Okay, fear responses are totally running the show,” right?

So I help people find what’s called their essential nature of the place that they can anchor back into their true nature. So I help people shift their filtering system from the Wheel of Fear to the Wheel of Freedom. Now, you brought up a word that is called gratitude. And I love that you brought that up, Katie, because I also wanna not only talk about gratitude for a minute, but I wanna talk about something called acknowledgments. And these are two exercises that folks can do immediately that will start shifting their opinions of themselves and the opinions of the world. So, you know, Katie, you brought up gratitude and I always say people that have a difficult time with gratitude, blame the world.

So if you have a difficult time with gratitude and you have a difficult time saying like, “I’m grateful for,” then you probably are blaming the world. Now, acknowledgments, in the world of Fearless Living, which I’ll explain how to do one, is if you have a difficult time acknowledging yourself, then you blame yourself, right? So that’s the way fear has its way with you is you blame yourself. So in the world of Fearless Living, Katie gratitude, you write out, “Today I’m grateful for…” and you get really specific. And, you know, so you don’t write “Today, I’m grateful for the blue sky.” You write, “Today, I’m grateful for the way the daisies, you know, are popping up through the, you know, broken sidewalk,” right? Like you’re really specific because when you are specific with your gratitudes and acknowledgments, it creates a visceral experience.

Well, what is a visceral experience? It means it’s alive in your body and it actually starts shifting you automatically of how you see the world. It shifts your filtering system. So we don’t want this to be an intellectual exercise. We want this to be a visceral one. And how do you get visceral? Being specific, also not saying “not”. So like instead of saying, “You know, I’m really…” or I’ll use acknowledgment, “I acknowledge myself for not complaining,” uh-uh. We wanna talk in acknowledgments about what we are doing instead of what we’re not doing. So, “I acknowledged myself for not complaining,” uh-uh. That’s what you’re not doing. What are you doing instead of complaining? Oh, “I acknowledge myself for giving myself a break when it came to missing a deadline at work,” right? Like, acknowledging yourself.

So, “Today, I’m grateful for…” write it out five times a day. Be as specific as you can be. No nots, and acknowledgments are, “Today, I acknowledge myself, acknowledge myself for any shift, any awareness, any movement forward, anything at all.” So I wanna say a caveat here, Katie, that I don’t care how well somebody does something, right? I could give a crap about how well you do it and I could give a crap about if you finish it or not. Acknowledgments are only about movement forward no matter how minute, no matter how small, no matter how difficult it was. It doesn’t matter about any of those. It’s just really acknowledging yourself.

And acknowledging that movement forward, actually, is the number one confidence builder, number one way to build your confidence overnight is just starting to acknowledge yourself. Because, Katie, what I’ve recognized is that most people acknowledged themselves for like one second and then they point out like, “Well, if I would’ve started sooner,” or “Well, I could have done it better,” or “Well…” and they literally take away their movement forward by now evaluating it and judging it, how it could have been if they would have only done A, B and C.

Now, it doesn’t mean that you can’t have discernment and get better, but you first have to acknowledge where you’ve come from. So gratitudes and acknowledgments are critical tools to use to start shifting your fear responses into what we call the Wheel of Freedom, start moving you forward from fear to freedom. So do your gratitudes about the world. Gratitudes are outside of yourself. They’re about the world out there, and acknowledgments are all about you, about how you’re living in this world and how you’re moving forward. If you do five gratitudes and five acknowledgments today, I’m gonna tell you right now that within 24 hours, 36 hours, you’re gonna start seeing a different world and experiencing a different world.

So I’m not gonna tell you what not to do. I’m not gonna say, “Quit complaining,” that, for most of us, is difficult to do, right? Instead, we’re gonna talk about what we’re going to do instead of complaining, what we’re gonna do instead of beating ourselves up, what we’re gonna do instead. And we’re gonna start moving towards who we want to be, what’s our true nature, where we wanna go, rather than focusing on what we should stop doing. So we wanna start shifting that, you know, that viewpoint of self-help, personal development, spirituality, etc., from stopping to starting, to where do we wanna go versus, you know, don’t focus on what you want to stop, instead focus on replacing. Does that make sense?

Katie: It does. I think that’s probably such a powerful and paradigm shift, you know, that we…and when you can make that, I can only imagine how that will spill over into every other area of life. And I’m guessing there’s an element here. It makes me think of… I know patterns I can say I’ve fallen into in the past and that I have seen in other people, which is when people tend to fall into patterns of complaining or making excuses, which you touched on. So I’m curious both if we can recognize in ourselves that that’s a thing that we do, how we can work through that, or if that’s something that those close to us do. Is there anything we can do both to help our own mindset or to help them in those instances?

Rhonda: Well, complaining, you know, one of the great things is, you know, complaining we do for many reasons and what I’d love people to do is complain, turn complaining into venting. And, you know, most of us have heard the word venting, but in actuality, we’re actually complaining, we’re not venting. So let me tell you the difference between complaining and venting. And then I’ll give you a little language for those people in your life that are big complainers and you no longer wanna participate, what do you say to them? Right? So complaining is, “I’m committed to keeping the problem alive.” Like I’m complaining, I’m trying to get you to buy in that there’s a problem and I want to focus on the problem.

So I wanna keep talking about the problem. I wanna keep talking about my husband being this way or my boss being that way, or my coworker being this way, or my sister being this way. And I wanna complain about this and complain about that. And I want you to buy in. I want you to buy in because that’s how we feel, you know, that we’re right. That’s how we feel loved, right? That’s how we feel understood. Which brings me to a side note, Katie, is that most people wanna be understood. And what I teach my clients, what I teach my students, is most of us want to be understood, but we don’t really…we’re not really looking for understanding. What we’re really looking for is agreement.

So one of the ways that complaining works for us, is we’re really looking for agreement. We’re not looking to be understood. We don’t want…because we think, “Well, if you really understood me, you would agree with me.” But it’s like that, you know, the fear wants us to get agreement so that we’re safe because if we don’t agree, then maybe I’m not safe, right? So just FYI, you know, complaining is committed to the problem. So now what is venting? Venting is committed to the solution, i.e., “I have a lot of anger right now. I’m really frustrated right now. I’m feeling really, you know, POed right now I’m really upset about something.”

Well, we wanna move that energy because we are basically energy beings. That’s what we are. That’s what, you know, neuroscience now tells us, that our whole being, our whole neurobiology and our whole biology is actually to keep our energy in place, to keep us having energy, right? And we have to monitor our energy. And making decisions takes energy. That’s why we just make the same decisions, even though we think we’re making different ones, but they’re kind of the same. They’re still out of fear because it just saves energy.

So venting actually says, “You know what? I’m a little upset right now and I need to move this energy through me. So I’m gonna honor this feeling of upset, of anger, of whatever, by speaking it out loud to somebody I trust or, you know, yelling in the clouds or, again, however you wanna move it through you. But I’m also committed to moving through it and to find a solution.” So venting is, “I know I’m awake to being upset. I know I need to move it through me. So I’m gonna call up a good friend and say, “Hey, by the way, can I just… I’m really upset about something. Will you listen? Don’t, you know, give me advice. Don’t tell me what to do. Don’t tell me I’m right. You know, just listen because I need to move through this so I can think clearly so that I now can come up with a solution.”

So most of us are not venting to each other. We’re complaining to each other and getting…trying to get buy-in to validate our thoughts, to validate that life isn’t fair, to validate that we’re victims, that it’s not our fault, right? But instead, we wanna take that feeling and move it through us by honoring it, by saying it, writing it, speaking it, you know, going, you know, to the river and throwing things in it, whatever we wanna do to let it move through us. But knowing that we are committed to move through it so that we can be clear to make a different decision. We know this isn’t real. The fear isn’t real, per se. The anger isn’t real. Even though it feels real, we go, “I know I’m angry right now, but I know ultimately, I’m not committed to keeping my anger alive. I’m committed to moving through my anger.”

And so then we allow that to move through. And then we can have a venting partner. Again, you can call up a friend, and then when you vent, it’s like you can breathe and go, “Okay, whew, I got that. I got through that. I might have to do it a few times, but I moved through it. And now I can think clearly to make a different decision that’s based on my values, based on my wheel of freedom, based on who I really want to be, based on the decisions that really support me, that really are who I really am at my core.” Instead of being angry and doing things that we’re not proud of after we do them, right? That we’re just so angry that we lash out, that we, you know, do things that were just like, “God, I wish I didn’t do that afterwards,” right?

So that’s really important to take that complaining and turning it into venting. So we honor our feelings, we honor our feelings, but we act on our commitments. So we honor our feelings, but we act on our commitments. So that’s the thing about complaining. Move it to venting. And also, of course, then we use gratitude after that. So we go from complaining, move it into venting, and then move into gratitude.

Excuses are a little bit more difficult, Katie, than complaining because excuses feel really real, right? Like I can use, “Well, my father killed my mother as an excuse,” right? Like, “Wow, that’s why I became an alcoholic.” And everybody goes, “Well, of course, you would,” right? So excuses…complaining, we can kind of call each other out. But excuses are really based on a seed of truth that we then take into reality and actually make real even more, right? So excuses are a little bit more difficult to suss out because we have evidence for those excuses that we should be cautious, that we should…this should…this is real, right? So I think complaining, again, is easier to identify and excuses again, have that seed of truth that we have a difficult time calling ourselves out for.

So I mean that’s when we get to do the real truthful, authentic work, about the difference between, “Okay, wait a minute, I’m making an excuse. And do I want that to continue to be my reality?” Like asking ourselves, “Okay, so yes, my father killed my mother and killed himself. Got it. So did that cause a lot of pain? Yes. Did that cause self-doubt? Yes. Self-Hatred, all those… Yes it did. But do I want to keep believing that?” You actually have to decide, Katie, do you want to keep believing that or do you want to decide something different? Do you want to decide that this is, like you said a minute ago about, “Okay, this is a lesson. this is a blessing. This is a gratitude. Like, oh my God, this happened and now I get to do this with it.”

So I think excuses are more subtle and they’re more, you know, difficult to kind of call out. But I think that if we kind of embrace that there are times in our lives, all of our lives, that we are victims of our excuses, the more gentle we can be with ourselves, the more compassion we can give. And the more than we can call ourselves out and say, “You know what? This excuse no longer serves me. I’m gonna shift it. I’m gonna move into acknowledgment. I’m gonna move into different… I’m gonna see this differently. I’m gonna move past this.”

Katie: I love that.

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And to go back to something you’ve mentioned a couple of times, you’ve mentioned kind of that core fear and how they formed so early. And I know for me, one of those certainly was this feeling of like, I’m not good enough. And when I started working on that and trying to like go through all these steps and to really face that, I was confronted with a few things. But one I worried that I was partially able to be so driven and to be so productive because of that and I had seen it manifest in my life. So I worried that if that went away, I would like lose my edge or I’d lose my ability to get things done.

So I guess, two-part question, one would be, you know, is there a downside when we let go of these fears? And also, because I’ve heard this from now so many people, is there anyone of us that doesn’t face some form of that question? I kind of think like, you know, I think we have these internal questions that come up to us and it’s like, am I good enough? Am I lovable? Am I worthy of respect? You know, does everyone have that in some form?

Rhonda: Yup. Everybody does, even the Dalai Lama. Yep. Absolutely. And I love that you brought up a fear of not being good enough because that’s the generalized wheel of fear. So, you know, we help you find your specific wheel of fear that’s unique to you. But generally, if we wanna say like, you know, a generic…it’s a generic version of a wheel of fear is, you know, all of us in some way or another feel some sort of feeling of not feeling good enough on some level, right?

And then with the Wheel of Fear, we kind of personalize it and individualize it so it has more oomph and more like, “Oh God, yes, that’s it,” right? So yeah, everybody has…that’s how the Wheel of Fear works. It’s how fear works in our neurobiology. Remember, it’s about keeping us safe. So what does that mean? That means that your fear of not being good enough and whatever version that is, personalized version, is because you are now in the unknown, right? Fear only visits us when we’re in the unknown. It doesn’t come in when we’re eating Doritos on the couch watching our favorite show on Netflix, right? It doesn’t come up. It only comes up when we’re having a new thought, when we’re having a new experience, when we’re, you know, wanting to take a step forward. And again, it could be just a thought. It could be just a thought. It’s not about just taking action. Our thoughts scare the crap out of us.

So, you know that not feeling good enough, you know, says like, “Okay, see this is the unknown. We don’t know what to do.” And fear says, “I can’t guarantee your safety. I can’t keep you safe here because I don’t know what’s gonna happen,” because neuroscience has shown now, Katie, that basically, the way we’re wired is to look at the past for a template, for our present situation, okay? So we literally automatically, unconsciously, look in the past for a solution to our present problems. And that’s why it feels like we’re repeating the past even though it may look better, it may have a different name, may, you know, like, it didn’t come up for two years, but now we’re like, “Are you kidding me? It’s happening again. I thought I picked differently this time,” right? Because the brain and body only know how to look at what’s already happened, the known, to look for solutions to problem-solve.

So unless you are consciously awake and aware to start using what’s called the frontal lobe and start making a new choice, a different choice, and being able to step in the unknown, your automatic responses will always be based on the past. So, you know, that fear not being good enough, you’re thinking of opening that business or falling in love or whatever, and it goes, “Oh well, let’s do it this way.” You know, and, “Oh by the way,” it’s gonna bring up not feeling good enough. So if you’re gonna take a risk, if you’re gonna take a stretch, is what we call Stretch, Risk, or Die in Fearless Living, when we start taking Stretch, Risk, or Die, you know, that fear is going to come up because you are now in the unknown and the Wheel of Fear will be triggered anytime you’re in the unknown, unless you have a different process, unless you have a different way to look at the unknown.

But bottom line is we’re made to stay safe. Our whole being is about safety, is about keeping us alive. And remember, the brain doesn’t know the difference between an emotional risk, emotional fear, versus a physical fear. So you thinking about falling in love, or you thinking about getting married, or you thinking about opening your business or buying a house or selling a house, any of those things, if it is an unknown, fear will trigger and go, “Yes, we don’t know what to do here. We better use a past solution for the present problem,” which of course is most likely ineffective, right, for many things we wanna do.

So fear is triggered by the unknown. So I always say that freedom equals your capacity to live in the unknown. Freedom equals your capacity to live in the unknown. If you’re not capable and not willing to live in the unknown, which means the control freaks out there, which so many of us are, you know, if we’re not willing to give up control and actually step forward into the unknown, the fear has you, fear owns you, right? Fear has you. So we all have that fear of not being good enough in whatever way it shows up for us. It’s something unique. And our whole neurobiology and the way we’re wired is to look in the past for a solution to the present, which again, most likely is ineffective because we’re in a different environment, we’re in a different age, we’re, you know, in a different situation.

And so that’s why we keep feeling like we’re repeating ourselves over and over again, even though we think we’re choosing differently. But we have to be willing to step out into the unknown and become masterful living in the unknown in order to actually have the freedom that we truly desire and truly want.

Katie: That makes sense. And I think another thing that is very top-of-mind for a lot of people listening right now, they probably understand and can identify these things in their own personal lives. But then when we’re facing something that is, you know, big or out of our control or right now like with global stuff going on, or we’re facing fears of our children getting sick or our parents getting sick or these really big…you know, life-threatening disease or chronic illness or things that are bigger than just us being able to live with the fear, what are some tips for that? Because I think we’re in a place societally where there is a lot of overwhelm and anxiety and fear. And so I’d love to hear your insight on how we can work through those things that we can’t just change.

Rhonda: Yeah. So the first thing is that of course, we have to take care of ourselves from a real practical level. You know, we have to make sure that we take care of what needs to be taken care of and not stay in, like, “Why is this happening to me?” Because “Why is this happening to me?” is not helpful and it doesn’t move us forward. So, and why is it happening to you is because, you know, we may know and we may not know, right? We may not understand how it’s happening to us. But instead, it’s like, “Okay, so what are the practical applications? What are the practical things that I need to do right now to keep myself physically safe?” because the first thing that we always have to do is to keep ourselves physically safe.

So, you know, trauma work is always about, you know, if you don’t feel emotionally safe, go to the physical first and go, “Well, am I physically safe?” Look around you. Make sure, “Am I physically safe?” If you’re physically safe, then you can start addressing the emotional fears, right? So that’s the first thing is like, just physically, are you safe? You know, do you have everything you need in place? And if you don’t, great, then it’s time to problem-solve. Reach out, ask for help, which, of course, asking for help is one of the greatest gifts that we can give ourselves or another human being. And it’s one of the things that most of us don’t do.

So we have to move into a deep level of self-care, deep level of connection, deep level of seeing our own innocence, moving past all of the fears that we’ve had, about, you know, needing help or asking for help or wanting connection. Like, we gotta get back down to basics of we all have needs. I have a need, you have a need, we all have needs, and can we take care of our own needs and can we take care of the needs of the ones we love? Right? And then can we move into letting go what we’re not in control of?

So I have an exercise that I’ve done with many a client that’s called Control, no Control. And I ask clients to get a piece of paper and, you know, make two columns. What are they in control of and what are they not in control of? And start listing all the things you are in control of and listing all the things you’re not in control of. And so all the things you are in control of, what can you do to actually take charge of that? Like what are the things that you can do? And most of us focus on what we’re not in control of, which increases our anxiety, which increases our overwhelm, which increases our guilt, which increases our, etc., etc., etc., all of our fears. And we’re actually not paying attention to what we actually are in control of. So make the list, make the list of “What am I in control of and what am I not in control of?”

And then, you know, if you’re a believer of God or any spirituality, the things that are not in your control, just hand them over, right? And if you don’t have a spiritual philosophy, then you get to surrender and let go from a human perspective and go, “Okay, I can only control A, B, C, D, E, F,” because I guarantee you, you’re in more control than you think, “And the things that I’m not in control of, yes, I can ask for help, I can seek solutions, I can connect in etc.” Like these times right now are asking us to learn the skills we need to have the life that we want, regardless of the circumstances of our lives.

So this is asking us to reach out when maybe we haven’t reached out, asking for help when maybe we’ve been afraid to ask for help. Being willing to face a fear of rejection or, you know, etc., you know, caring about each other and caring about ourselves. So, you know, fear wants us to isolate, i.e., really like “I only will take care of myself and I only have two preserve myself.” But in fact, the true way to connect, the true way to survive, the true way to expand, the true way to live our destiny is with each other.

And so write that list of Control and not Control and start doing the things that you can control and be willing to…the things you can’t control, are you willing to ask for help? Are you willing to reach out? Are you willing to connect? And what are you willing to really practice letting go of that’s not up to you. It’s not gonna ever be up to you. So what can you do? I think that starts giving us our power back because our power and our helplessness and our hopelessness happens because we only focus on what we’re not in control of.

So when you start kind of grasping and labeling and owning what you can control, you start feeling a little bit more powerful. You start feeling like, “Okay, I can make a difference here. And that’s gonna move you out of that fear zone into freedom zone.”

Katie: I love that. And I think that ties into something that is a theme through a lot of writers that I admire, including you and including people like Victor Frankl who wrote ”Man’s Search for Meaning,” and many of the stoic philosophers that talk about, you know, we don’t have control over the world or what happens to us, but we do always have control over our reactions and how we respond and even how we interpret those events.

And I reread Viktor Frankl every year and it’s always such a great reminder because, you know, like you, he’s been through things much tougher than I have. And so when someone who has been through…I love the quote, you know, “Has been through the fire, comes out carrying water for the rest of us,” it’s just so inspiring. And so I think that’s a wonderful reminder and centering place to think of is that we always have that aspect of control, to choose kindness, to choose our response, to choose gratitude and to choose positivity. And I’m guessing there’s a lot of people listening who a lot of this is resonating with them or they see parts of their lives and things that you’ve said today. I know you’ve also written several books. So for someone who is just kind of delving into this for the first time, where do you recommend them starting?

Rhonda: Well, first thing that I would like them to do is, of course, if they’re ready and willing to read ”Fearless Living” or get the audiobook on audible, you know, etc., start just, you know, listening over and over again to understand how your fear works. Because I think again, I think one of the greatest gifts that “Fearless Living” gives to the world is a release of shame. You know, I know when people find their Wheel of Fear and Wheel of Freedom and really understand that it’s not them that is doing this, you know, not them that, you know, is lazy, stupid. That is not you. That is not your true nature and it’s only a fear response and you really see that that’s just fear acting out to keep you safe. And it’s not about you. The shame just dissolves and melts away.

And I don’t know about you, Katie, but you know, shame ran my life for so many decades and that shame is the thing that kept me small, stuck, and you know, afraid. And when I could melt that shame away, I started having space and breathing room to start really occupying and owning my life in a more true way and real authentic way. And so, you know, so the first thing is, yes, grab my book, listen to the book.

The other thing that I would invite you to do is I actually…and Katie, I hope this is okay, but this is moving through me right now. So I hope you’re okay with this. But I would love to gift your folks an exercise called Stretch, Risk or Die that I mentioned earlier. And is that okay if I do that, Katie? I’m sorry, I didn’t ask you beforehand. It’s just coming through me. Is that all right?

Katie: Sure.

Rhonda: So go to fearlessliving.org, fearlessliving.org/risk. So fearlessliving.org/rsk R-I-S-K and I’m gonna, I just think this mini-course right now of Stretch, Risk, or Die really starting to see how fear kind of owns your decisions and start thinking of decisions differently. There’s worksheets in there, there’s, you know, three short videos in there and you can start doing an exercise immediately to start helping yourself. And I describe it in detail. It’s called Stretch, Risk, or Die. And it’s allowing you to start moving outside your comfort zone, and start moving in the direction of freedom, to start moving into the direction of the unknown. And again, I give you tons of resources in there, tons of templates, etc. So go to fearlessliving.org/risk, R-I-S-K, and I think this exercise is going to support you immediately. It’s one of my clients’ very favorite exercises, students’, very favorite exercises.

So I’d love to gift it to you right now in this time that we’re living in to help you start noticing, “Okay, this is why I’m not taking that Stretch, Risk, or Die. Okay, got it.” And now you can. And that’s the gift that I would love to support you with is saying yes to yourself, yes to that intuition, yes to your larger vision, yes to the true nature of who you are, yes to the person you were born to be. Because I do believe that all of us do have a destiny and fear is the only thing that stops that destiny from unfoldment. And I am committed to helping you, me, the world, live their destinies and fulfill their destinies. And so I don’t want fear to run your life anymore. I want you to run your life.

Katie: I love that. And I’ll make sure that all the links to everything we’ve talked about, including your books, and including that, are in the show notes at wellnessmama.fm. And I think this is a perfect starting place for a lot of people and I know that people can find you and keep learning from you. But I appreciate your time in being here today and for all the work that you do for so, so many people.

Rhonda: Thank you, Katie. What a gift you are to the world. I’m so grateful I get to know you. Thank you.

Katie: Thank you, and thanks to all of you as always, for listening, for sharing one of your most valuable resources, your time, with both of us today. We’re so grateful that you did and I hope that you will join me again on the next episode of the ”Wellness Mama” podcast.

If you’re enjoying these interviews, would you please take two minutes to leave a rating or review on iTunes for me? Doing this helps more people to find the podcast, which means even more moms and families could benefit from the information. I really appreciate your time, and thanks as always for listening.

Source: https://wellnessmama.com/podcast/rhonda-britten/