#and obviously this whole time it was my anxious brain preventing me from reaching out

[somuchstrdst]

x

[jcbmcdrmtt]

TW for mention of suicide (not mine), depression, anxiety, work stress

I’m not in a good place right now. Haven’t been for a while. I quit a toxic job way too late last year - by the time I quit I was probably only a few weeks away from having some sort of mental breakdown. I had already broken down in tears on a call with my therapist about work, and I just. Couldn’t deal with it anymore. And I had a lot of savings, so I quit without having another job lined up.

That was in July of last year, and I still don’t have a job yet. Mostly because my anxiety is so damn high that I’ve only been anle to force myself to apply for two fucking jobs in that whole time 😞 Every time I start trying to do more than that I feel this wave of pure dread wash over me, and this mental wall slams down and is like “nope, we’re not going to think about that.” And I just. Pivot and frantically try to find something else to focus on because I’m anxious while looking for jobs but also obviously anxious about NOT looking for jobs, and I just. can’t catch a breath.

To make matters worse, I am SO damn lonely. My anxiety and depression has definitely been part of the reason I stopped going out and doing things lately, but I am also just so damn sick and tired of doing things by myself. I used to enjoy it, I went to so many things alone. Concerts, open mics, movies, cultural festivals, pickup volleyball leagues, you name it, and I had fun!

But now I’ve been doing that for so long that it’s kind of lost its appeal, like. I just wish one of my friends shared my interests 😞 None of them want to pay $100 and drive an hour to go see an Italian pianist or a Norwegian acappella trio or a Korean band, or go see a Japanese musical, or a Korean drum performance, or even just go out for fucking sushi. I love my friends/family to death but our interests are so different that sometimes I just want to scream because I want so badly for someone to enjoy the things I like with me. I went to see the Spirited Away live stage musical last night and I literally had to drag myself out of bed mentally kicking and screaming even though I had at one point been super excited to see it and it was only 15 mins away AND I’d had the ticket reserved for weeks. Like I could FEEL my brain screaming at me and this is not normal, I like this kind of stuff! Why are you doing that!

Between the job search and the loneliness and the upcoming eviction, I’m always scared and anxious these days. My chest is constantly tight and I can feel my mind casting around for things to think about that don’t make it worse. Thankfully none of my vices are particularly self-destructive (like I do not drink or use any drugs), because my self-control is basically nonexistent right now and I just KNOW doing any of that would end in disaster.

And I’m not suicidal either, like oddly enough that’s one of the most frustrating parts of this whole thing, like I don’t want to die, I want to live! I’m finally at a point in my life where I know who I am and what I enjoy and what kind of people I want to surround myself with, but my brain isn’t cooperating so all of that feels like it’s just out of my reach. I want to live, and this stupid anxiety and depression combo is preventing that.

Also my lease is up in June and I need to find a new apartment, but I can’t do that until I have a job offer letter in hand, but I can’t get one of those because I have only applied for 2 jobs in the whole 7 months I’ve been unemployed because my anxiety is so bad.

One of the kpop guys I liked died by suicide last week as well. I know I didn’t know him, but he played a gay character in a kdrama (back before kBLs took off so he was one of the only ones doing it at the time), and I’ve followed his career ever since. His death hit me harder than I expected it to. I probably shouldn’t be surprised because my emotions are running so high right now, but I cried multiple times about his death. One of my friends put it well, he said that one of the bits of light in my life was extinguished and it makes sense I’d feel sad about it. Plus I’ve always felt very deeply. I really enjoy the music and people of kpop but I’m so fucking sick of the kpop industry itself and how it treats the people in it.

Anyway. I just don’t know what to do at this point. I might have to move in with my sister and put all my belongings in storage, but like. I don’t have the money to pay for a moving company anymore, and I feel like even if my family helps, the process of moving on TOP of everything I’m already feeling?? That might be the thing that breaks me. And I don’t know what that looks like.

[plussizeappreciationfics]

Series: Just the assistant..?

Pairing: Tom Hiddleston x Plus sized reader

Summary: [Y/N], Tom's personal assistant knows that she shouldn't have fallen in love with her employer but she just couldn't help herself. When she thinks that her biggest wish is about to come true, a third party arrives and makes her question whether she'd ever have a chance to escape her situation and simply be loved back by the person she loves the most...

Warning(s): None, I think?

Word count: 5,2k

Picture(s) found on: Pinterest/Google

CHAPTER ONE: Ignition

"Just a few more minutes until they call, do you want something to drink?" (Y/N) asked Tom as she made her way to the kitchen, her heart fluttering nervously in her chest as the tension rose in his living room. 

He had been sitting on the couch, frozen on the spot while staring into space with his phone clutched tightly in his hand. He couldn’t voice the intense waves of anxiety and nervousness coursing through his body, time seemed to pass slowly. One of the producers of Harold Pinter's Play "Betrayal" was about to let him know whether he had gotten one of the main roles or not.

Tom had auditioned for the play a while ago and had desperately hoped that his performance was worthy enough to act the play out on the stage. He had always loved theatre, the interest had never decreased throughout the years. Harold Pinter was also a writer Tom had always looked up to as his plays always inspired and touched him on a deep level that not everyone was able to understand.

 "Tom" (Y/N) called out again.

He had never answered her question which had made her turn on her heel and focus her gaze on his tensed back and shoulders. He still hadn’t moved a muscle as his brain was clouded with too many thoughts at the same time. His assistant let out a soft sigh, her heart fluttering as she longed to gently place her hands on his back and give him a soothing massage. God...I just want to feel you relax under my touch. Whisper my name in a state of longing...

She bit back a craving hum as her eyes continued to appreciate his backside, he obviously needed some time to himself and wasn’t in need of any liquid refreshment. She turned back around and walked into the kitchen while hoping and praying that he’d get the role as he really deserved it. 

She empathised with his every emotion and felt anxious herself, a habit she had when loving someone. Once in the kitchen, [Y/N] quickly walked over to the fridge and took a bottle of water out of it, popped open the cap and let out a soft hum when the cool liquid made its way down her throat. It had been dry and itching for a little while but she didn’t want to leave Tom’s side. She was his biggest supporter, not just the assistant that had been loving him for three years now.

She couldn’t distinguish whether she ever crushed on him or just immediately found herself loving him. She had been a silent admirer of him and his work before she got the amazing (and well paying) opportunity to work as his personal assistant. But she was a professional and strictly made herself keep all the romantic feelings she had for Tom on the down low, she knew that both of their images were at stake if she’d dive into the cliché “employee messing with their boss” mess.  

It was easier said than done but she quickly developed some quality acting skills that prevented the British gentleman from even guessing her true feelings about him. She didn't want to jeopardise her job as it was something she really loved and appreciated doing.

"[Y/N]!" Tom called out in panic, causing her to place the water bottle on the kitchen counter and run back into the living room, where she found him standing in front of the coffee table with his phone still in his hand. The anxiety clouding his eyes quickly vanished the second he looked at his assistant, her presence immediately had calmed him down.

His loud ringtone echoed through the room.  “W-what should I do?” he questioned, feeling like he had lost all common sense while his heart beat harshly against his ribcage.

She chuckled and shook her head while pointing at his phone. “Accept the call!”.

He frantically nodded, letting his thumb slide across his screen before holding his phone to his ear. [Y/N] let out a shaky breath, this was finally the big moment and she was glad that she was the only one who got to witness it. He never put up a show in front of her during these types of moments and that was one of the many reasons why she loved him; he unconsciously made her feel so special on an almost day-to-day basis.

“Hello?” Tom spoke before a nervous laugh escaped his lips, “Gerald, how are you?”, his manners were impeccable while his facial expression turned serious. A big frown crept onto his face, he bit his lower lip and slowly nodded his head. The room got silent  and the assistant didn’t know what to do; she was silently contemplating whether to have a seat on the couch or stay on her feet, ready to walk away in case he wanted some privacy. 

A smile appeared on her face when the actor looked at her again, smiling brightly and motioning with his hand for her to take a seat on the couch. Her stomach fluttered in delight at the fact that he wanted her near and witness this exciting moment with him. 

She made her way over to the couch and was about to sit down when a loud gasp escaped his lips, a smile stretching across his handsome face. “Thank you so much! I-I can’t believe this! Thank you, thank you!” he happily spoke out and then chuckled. She stared wide eyed at him as she quickly caught onto what was happening.

He had gotten the role.

[Y/N] barely could hide her grin as she felt the anxiety disappear like a heavy weight being lifted off her shoulders. An overwhelming urge to reach out for Tom’s handsome face and press her lips against his overtook her senses. But she knew damn well that that was something didn't have the right to do. So, with a soft sigh she fought her inner voices and body parts to stay still and not do something she'd regret. 

Words couldn’t describe how proud she was of him, he was perfect for the role and she couldn’t wait to see the whole production come to life. Tom would have the time of his life and gain more experience in the industry which could lead to his next job, once the play would be over.

“I certainly will!” Tom laughed and nodded his head, snapping [Y/N] back to reality. They locked eyes and just grinned at each other.  “Thanks again, have a nice day. Bye!”, a loud laugh escaped his lips as he tossed his phone onto the couch and surprised his assistant by charging towards her and then quickly engulfing her in a tight embrace.

“I got the part! I can’t believe it!”

“Congrats, Tom! I knew you’d get it”. [Y/N]’s knees almost buckled as her arms were wrapped around his broad shoulders, his delicate scent filling her nostrils. Her body instantly relaxed and she felt lightheaded, she wished for this moment to last forever, this is where she felt to belong. In his arms. The actor gave her another squeeze and let out a relieved sigh, his body enjoying the intimate embrace, the sensation surprising him greatly. They had hugged countless times (which had always left [Y/N] a sensitive mess like in that current moment), but this time it felt different for him.

Her delicate scent mixed with her sweet perfume  made him close his eyes, his soul suddenly being at peace. The feeling of her soft and squishy body made him bury his head in the crook of her neck and gently sigh out in pleasure. She clenched her jaw in order to stop herself from gasping out loud as an intense shiver coursed down her spine. Tom had never hugged her this way, his beard tickled her sensitive skin and she loved every second of it. 

Her heart skipped a beat before playing a loud song against her ribcage, this felt like a dream. A delicate dream she hoped to never wake up from. The room was silent, their soft breathing being the only thing whispering through the atmosphere as the actor continued to enjoy the feeling of having his assistant so close to him.

 Pleasant tingles coursed through his body as he absentmindedly gave her another squeeze, her beautiful face appearing behind his now closed eyelids. No one spoke a word. Just two souls initiating their passionate connection.

 “Tom” [Y/N] whispered after a few minutes, needing to end the moment even if it made her heart ache. But she knew that if she wouldn’t speak up, he would and probably conclude that they’d been hugging for way too long and inappropriately. When he hummed softly and opened his eyes, he gave her one final squeeze before slowly pulling away and smiling at her. He didn’t regret anything.

 He drank in the sight of her beautiful face, his eyes sparkling suddenly. “We need to celebrate this!” the excitement was slowly bubbling up again in his stomach. The assistant let out a chuckle and pulled her out her phone from her jean pocket. “Sure, who do you want me to invite?” she questioned while trying to get down from the delicate high she still was on. His cologne mixed with his mesmerising scent still lingered in her nose and her heart even ached more now.

 Her fingers slightly trembled while typing in her passcode before she went on the message app, ready to send out a dinner invitation to Tom’s closest friend group. She cleared her throat and looked up again, her heart skipping another beat when she saw him smile brightly at her like she was the most delicate creature walking the earth...

 “How about I cook something just for the two of us and we can celebrate with Ben, Charlie and Idris tomorrow?”.

 [Y/N] let out a breathless chuckle and nodded her head, “Sounds great…”. Words couldn’t describe the euphoria pumping through her blood. Even though he hadn’t officially asked her out, she still felt happy and excited to spend some more time alone with him. She didn’t have high hopes of  something happening but just being in his presence was more than enough for her to soothe her cravings temporarily and that made her gladly accept every opportunity to be alone with him, work related or not.

 “Great! How about Chicken Fettucine Alfredo?”. She grinned, nodded and put her phone back into her pocket. She was overwhelmed and didn’t know what to do next, a part of her wanted to throw herself back into his arms and another one to get back to her house and let the previous, intimate moment dawn onto her. 

She chose the latter.

 “I-I’ll go freshen up and finish some tasks for you. Let me know when you want me back” she smiled at him one last time before walking towards his front door, knowing that the actor was staring at her back. “Okay, I’ll send you a text message!” Tom gently called out and watched with a smile on his face how she waved her hand in the air to indicate that she had heard him. [Y/N] then had left his house seconds later.

 “Mhm…” the actor whispered to himself, suddenly feeling his stomach sink. The happiness and excitement simmered down while he sat down on his couch and leaned back. His eyes fell shut and he thought about what just had happened: He had gotten the role of one of his favourite plays and felt like he was dreaming. He couldn’t wait to start the project and try his best to captivate the people with his talent all over again. He was going to play Robert, a man whose wife was having an affair with his best friend of several years. 

 He was impatient to find out who was going to be casted as the other two characters: Emma and Jerry. He appreciated and loved his work so much, but knew that he wouldn’t have gotten this special part if it weren’t for his assistant who had strongly encouraged him to audition for the play. 

 [Y/N].

Tom could barely express how much she had changed his life for the better when he had hired her three years ago. He just had broken up with his famous ex-girlfriend and was being bullied by her fans so much that he disappeared from the spotlight once his work schedules were cleared. 

His friends didn’t see him often as he hid away in his house, trying to tune out the discomfort and regret he felt from letting the whole world focus on his relationship. He was known for keeping his private life private, but the love he had felt for her had made him disregard his own strict rule and boundary. To be publicly ridiculed was one of harshest lessons he had to learn.

That's when his agent suggested hiring a personal assistant to help him keep his profile on the down low until he’d feel better. 

[Y/N] was hired not too long after his hiatus from the public eye, her job had been to see what roles the entertainment company Tom was signed to had to offer and also fulfill personal tasks like going grocery shopping or sending out birthday gifts and so on. But with her already having caught serious feelings for him, she had a natural urge to also take care of him, not as her boss but as a confidant and comforter.

 It was her bright, charming and loving personality along with her soothing and encouraging ways that slowly brought Tom out of the protective bubble he had created around himself. A strong friendship was quickly formed while he felt himself change back into this natural self. A better self.

[Y/N] became his silent rock to lean on while continuing to work for him. When he was back to his naturally charming and funny self in public and private, she had become conscious about her feelings for him. She was surprised (but also very relieved) that no one had suspected anything. Benedict and his wife Sophie, Idris and his Wife Sabrina along with Charlie and his wife Samantha all had quickly grown to love her as a part of their friend group.

The assistant was way more loosened up with the actors wives as they had a very close and strong bond as women. Around the male actors, she was a tiny bit more reserved but just to keep up the professional “I am not hopelessly in love with my boss and don’t want you to know about it” act. 

But Tom was just as supportive of his assistant when life became difficult for her too. Often placing a comforting hand on her shoulder or back while fighting the urge to hold her close and promise to take care of whatever issue she was facing when she couldn’t keep the tears to herself anymore. Tom and [Y/N] had come a long way together, individually and as friends.

“Bloody hell” 

Tom muttered when realising that he had zoned out for a good ten minutes. His stomach was doing flips but he didn’t feel sick or nauseous. The overwhelming urge to feel [Y/N] so close to him again had left him craving for more ever since she had left his house. 

He bit down onto his lower lip when he remembered the delicate sensations tingling through his body, the intensity was something the actor hadn’t experienced in a long time. Or ever. He shook his head, snapping himself out of his little daydream and shot up from the couch. “I should go grocery shopping for tonight’s celebration” was what he muttered to himself before picking up his car keys from the small coffee table and saying his goodbye to Bobby who had waltzed into the living room with a wiggly tail. 

Tom chuckled, petted his beloved dog and then made his way towards the front door with a pleased smile resting on his handsome face.

~~~

“Fuck, why am I like this?” [Y/N] cried out in frustration as she was standing in her full length mirror, staring at her naked body wrapped in a towel. She just had gotten out of the shower, her skin was glistening and glowing from the lotion she had applied to her body, her hair moisturised . She was scanning her body from head to toe and slowly felt herself become insecure. She had this lingering feeling that the hug she had shared with Tom had a deeper meaning. 

 Her conscious refused to let go of the matter and she found herself wondering if he’d ever be interested in her. Her eyes continued to scan her body from head to toe, every thick bump and curve being intensely observed. “Stop it” she hissed at herself, shaking her head and trying to distract her craving heart from the fact that it might had found its perfect match. “I’m just the assistant” [Y/N] reminded herself before stepping away from the mirror and walking over to her closet.

 She didn’t want to overdress for a simple celebration dinner, and quickly decided on a simple and comfortable outfit for the private event; a pair of black jeans, a white, long sleeved shirt with not too much cleavage and a black jean jacket in case she'd get cold.  

It took her a few minutes to get dressed before she focused on her hair and light makeup. She chose to not wear many layers of makeup. Tonight she preferred a natural look that would also enable her skin to breathe easily. Once she was done, she gave herself a final look in the mirror and nodded her head in approval.

 She looked beautiful, as always.

 “Let’s do this then” she whispered to herself and then made her way out of her bedroom. Now all she needed was for Tom to let her know that he was to welcome her back into his house.  “Okay, it’s nothing special” the assistant muttered to herself while suddenly feeling her heart starting to beat faster in her chest.

 This was the usual habit she had whenever she was about to see the British actor: reminding herself that her deepest desire wouldn't become reality and to keep herself in check. [Y/N] had been in love and had loved a decent amount of people but never had she felt these intense emotions for someone. 

She had been with the most charming and loving or shitty and selfish people, the heartbreaks she had gone through were either very painful and long lasting or quick and rather painless. It always made her wonder how Tom had been able to sweep her off her feet in such a delicate yet simple manner, and why she loved him stronger with each passing day.

The plus sized beauty was now in her kitchen, eating a granola bar while sitting at the counter. The silence in the house smoothly encouraged her to relax for a little while and unwind. She had finished the few tasks she had to do for her boss; making sure that his stylist had the suits ready for his public appearances that were coming up in a few days.

A BAFTA event was just around the corner and Tom had gladly accepted their invitation as he was one of the many ambassadors. The organisation had planned a few games with delightful prices such as apprentices abroad for upcoming musicians, actors and artists or tickets to Tom’s upcoming play to encourage people to get in touch with their creative self. 

The actor was thrilled to meet new people and witness others from different backgrounds, to witness them earn amazing opportunities to either learn, travel or create themselves artistically.

[Y/N] wouldn’t join him to the event. She had a lengthy list of new things to work on for her boss. The final Avengers movie would be released in the theaters in a few months but Tom wouldn’t join the press tour as he’d be on stage here in London. But his own Loki series had gotten the green light so he’d have to start meeting up with the creative writers and producers to see how they’d bring the series to life. It was obvious that Tom would be booked and busy for at least a year.

[Y/N] got lost in her thoughts again, absentmindedly finishing her granola bar while planning her following weeks ahead, she knew that stressful days were ahead but she didn't mind that at all. At the end, she'd get her job done.

It took her a few minutes to snap out of her daze before her phone loudly notified her that she had received a message.

From: Tom

Finally, she thought to herself while unlocking her phone and reading Tom’s new message.

To: Me

I’m done cooking, waiting for your presence now 😊

From: Me

“Aw” the assistant cooed with a wide grin on her face, the message was so short and simple yet it made her feel like she was floating on cloud nine. Especially because Tom rarely used emojis, so to see that she was worthy enough for a smiley face filled her heart with joy.

To: Tom

Her thumb hit the sent button before she hopped off the kitchen stool, her heartbeat increasing again as she felt a rush of warmth and excitement ripple through her body. 

I’m on my way 😊

[Y/N] took her purse off the counter and placed her phone in it before taking out her keys. Her footsteps softly echoed through the air as she made her way to the front door with a gorgeous smile resting on her face. She couldn’t wait to see her love again.

“Wow” was the first thing Tom whispered once he swung the door open, his eyes immediately were blessed with the sight of [Y/N] standing right in front of him. Their eyes sparkled while staring deeply into one another. “Hi” [Y/N] whispered, her body relaxing instantly while waiting for the actor to welcome her back into his home.

~~~

“Hello” Tom finally spoke, his heart pounding so hard that he was afraid she’d be able to hear it.  He took a step aside and widened the door, “Please enter”. The assistant thanked him before walking into his house, not noticing how he closed the door while whispering a soft “You are so beautiful” into the air. 

“It smells amazing” she complimented while already having placed her purse on the small coffee table in front of his couch, now patiently waiting for the actor to turn around and interact with her.

Tom took a few seconds to lock his door before finally turning on his heel and biting back a grin when his eyes landed on [Y/N] again. Her beauty and presence were sucking him into a delicate whirl of endless contentment, but he didn’t fight it. “Thank you, I hope you’ll enjoy the meal. How about a drink first?” he suggested while walking over to her and playfully holding out his arm to her.

She chuckled and happily linked her arm with his, his cologne mixed with his scent filling her nostrils while they made their way into the kitchen where she could hear the soft sizzling filling the air. Tom led her over to the big counter where he already had set the table and everything else up, some candles included. It looked like a romantic dinner.

[Y/N] clenched her jaw to stop herself from voicing how pretty everything looked, it looked like a meal for lovers, not employer and employee. But she swallowed her thought, not wanting to risk saying anything that could ruin the smooth and delightful vibe. So with a soft sigh, she turned around and gently thanked Tom for preparing the celebration dinner.

“Don’t even mention it” he chuckled and made sure that she was comfortably seated before he rushed over to the pans and pots and started to serve her the celebration dinner. Her mouth watered at the delicious sight and she couldn’t wait to dig in. But she patiently waited until he was done with his own plate and was seated before she rose her glass filled with non-alcoholic Peach Moscato. [Y/N] wasn’t planning on getting drunk as the next day would be very hectic for her.

"To you” she gently spoke, her heart fluttering in her chest when Tom copied her actions and smiled brightly at her. “No, to us” he added and let his glass with the same drink clink against hers.

“I didn’t do anything” the assistant responded with a soft chuckle before taking a quick sip of her drink and humming in delight. It tasted delicious. “You’re the actor who went to the audition” she added before lifting her fork and smoothly digging it into a piece of diced and seasoned chicken.

Tom shook his head while following her motions, “You did a lot actually. I wasn’t sure whether I was good enough to even audition for the role. But you encouraged me and supported me from the beginning to the end, and I can’t thank you enough for that [Y/N].

Once his words left his mouth, the room fell silent. 

[Y/N] and Tom just looked at each other, so many unspoken emotions flashing past their eyes. The tension had shifted again but not to something awkward. It was like their souls were communication as the sparkles in their eyes never left. They only thought about each other and how grateful they were to be in that intimate moment with one another.

The actor couldn’t stop thinking about how he suddenly longed to be close to her again. Feel her warm and soft body pressed against him, have her scent make him forget about the world and just focus on her. His lips tingled, the urge to feel hers pressed against his overwhelming him.

[Y/N] was thinking the exact same thing, the attraction she had felt for him only became stronger with every passing moment. Her breathing became quicker when her mind started to picture how it would feel to kiss him…Hold him close while letting their lips melt together as one with nothing but love and passion.

“T-Thank you” was all she was able to say as she snapped back to reality and realised that she hadn’t responded to his kind words. Tom nodded his head and gave her a bright smile before both of them continued to enjoy the food together.

“This is scrumptious” the assistant praised with a hum before taking another bite, trying to play it cool while she felt the heat and warmth course through her body. Tom chuckled and bowed his head, blushing at the simple compliment, “I’m happy you’re enjoying it”. What he didn't voice was how he had spiced up the simple recipe, the need to impress [Y/N] driving him through the short time of preparing the meal.

The two of them then continued to eat while talking about their upcoming vacations, the production of the play wouldn't start until a few weeks and the Loki series was months away from being filmed.  [Y/N] didn’t want to just talk about their work and happily listened to Tom voicing his desire to travel to Asia again for two weeks. He then told her about filming Kong: Skull Island in Vietnam and Hawaii. Throughout the dinner, his hand found hers numerous times and he gave it a gentle squeeze before sliding it back and either taking a sip of his drink or finishing his plate.

"And so I had to explain to my boss's ex-girlfriend that he had wanted the engagement ring back but that he was too embarrassed to come and collect it himself! After he had been caught red handed cheating on her!" [Y/N] finished explaining the crazy story about her previous employer, clasping her hands against her cheeks and shaking her head at the awkward memories.

___

Tom was having a delightful laugh, his cackles echoing through the kitchen while trying to imagine how his assistant must've felt in that moment. "That is just crazy! I assure you [Y/N] that I won't ever ask you to do such a thing for me" he chuckled at the end and shook his head.

"Good, because that experience made me add lots of terms and conditions to my general contract. I've actually been rejected a few times because those who had been interested in hiring me didn't approve of my demands" the assistant chuckled and rolled her eyes.

"Like I have no issues going grocery shopping for you but I won't do your dirty laundry or buy lube and condoms for you at 3 o'clock in the morning...". The last phrase made Tom almost choke on his spit before he burst out laughing again, his cheeks starting to hurt from all the smiles and laughter. He couldn't remember the last time he had laughed or enjoyed someone's presence this much.

"Shit, Tom. it's almost midnight! We've been eating and goofing around for hours!" [Y/N] gasped in panic, not having realised how fast the time had rushed by. She quickly got up and took her now empty plate, strutted over to the sink and was about to wash it when Tom's voice stopped her.

"Don't even think about turning on the sink, [Y/N]. Let me do this" the soothing yet amused tone in his voice made the assistant roll her eyes and simply place her plate in the empty sink and turn around with a defeated look on her face. "Fine! But I better get going then, thanks again for the meal, it was delicious".

Tom grinned at her and joined her at the sink, both of them washing their hands before drying them and making their way out of the kitchen. "It was my utmost pleasure, [Y/N]". No words were spoken after that as the assistant collected her purse and made her way to his front door, feeling like she was floating on cloud nine.

"Let me know when you get home safely, okay?" Tom whispered while surprising her again with another gentle hug, his arms and hands welcoming her delicate body again. All poor [Y/N] could do was nod her head and close her eyes for a few seconds, no thoughts clouding her head as she lost herself into the embrace.

"Goodnight" she then whispered while pulling away, looking one last time at his handsome face before creating some space in between them, her heart feeling like it was about to combust into flames. "Goodnight beautiful, thank you for being you" Tom whispered, the sparks glistening in his eyes as he watched his assistant bite her lip to prevent herself from grinning like an idiot.

The two of them shared another gentle moment before [Y/N] turned around and left Tom's home. He watched her walk down the front porch and to the drive in where her car was parked. The man couldn't keep his eyes away from her, she was all he could think about and he couldn't stop whispering her name every few seconds while watching her drive off into the night... 

 Tag list: @jamesbarnesappreciationclubub  l @pleasantdreamqueen l @disneymarina l l @harleycativy  l @sparklemichele l @melaninmarvel l @amethyst09 l @the-force-of-imagines l @bossyboyd03 l @pebblesz892 l @stars8melanin l @brittyevans l @toc1985 l @janeyboo l @badassbaker l @winters-beauty l @cannonindeez  l @ilovefanfic86  l @adorablespecialsnowflakes l @brittanyovens l @kanupps06 l @jazmynejack l @thebookwormslytherin l @theunsweetenedtruth l @talannalew l @littlexmissxfandomxlover l @amethyst-dreams-and-candy-canes l @crimsonash330 l @booklover2929 l @aranelgrey l @panda-duuu l @thisismysecrethappyplace  l @titty-teetee l @honey-anon l @princess-evans-addict l @hp-hogwartsexpress l @malindacath  l @letsdisneythings l @scorpionchild81 l @shado-raven l @alisoncdariel l @plutoneu l  @queenoftheworldisdead l @briannab1234l @miyaeadys-blog l @thenamelesscorpse2185 l @hihellogoodbyebruh l @nackrosor l @nerdgurl1985 l @2darkskinbeauty l @bugngiz l @african-melanin-goddess l @barnes-wilson-love l @ktiz90 l @let-the-love-in l @forlornfortitude l @robinredboob l @hopefuloperaangelnerd l @kola95 l @partypoison00 l @alwaysadreamingoptimist l @reniescarlett l @g0thicdream l @mayasopinions l @captaintightpants58 l @leillee​ l @kayleighsimone​

-Emmanuelle 💋❤️

[vennysbottom]

I don’t need it

Wilhemina Venable x FemReader

Words: 2,8K

warning: eating disorders, angst i guess

A/N: I have no idea what this is but I needed to get out of my head. Please, please don’t read this if you think it could trigger you.

*Also, I read something similar on here but couldn’t find it, so if you know, pls tell me so that I could give them credit.

It wasn't enough. The truth was, it was never enough. No number ever seemed right anymore. Each morning you were afraid to weigh yourself, knowing it determined how your day was going to go. For the past few months, the only thing on your mind was weight loss and how you looked. You couldn't focus on anything else, you found it hard to be your positive self and most importantly, you were losing yourself.

You were losing yourself again.

You were not sure how many times this has already happened, but you knew what was going on. There was no reason to try to prevent it though, you felt like you needed to lose a few pounds anyway and saw no harm in doing it this way. Or more accurately, you chose not to see it.

“Y/N baby, I'm leaving” your girlfriend's voice coming from downstairs brought you back to reality. Not realising how long you've been analysing your body in the bathroom; you ran to the front door.

“Still in your pyjamas?” she said while giving you a half-smile. Wilhemina herself was looking as professional as ever, given that it was just 7 AM. She had her hair up, makeup on, and was wearing one of those purple fits that you loved on her. Each morning she amazed you by how good she looked. You leaned in to give her a goodbye-kiss which she gladly returned.

“Have a good day. Love you” you said while getting a hold of her one free hand. She gave it a light squeeze before saying “I made you coffee. I love you too.” And just like that, she was out of the door and you were alone. 

You stood at the doorway for a couple of seconds, deciding what to do today. You had a few online classes that day but they only took up half of the day, leaving the whole afternoon to yourself. 

You went into the kitchen to get your coffee, trying to be as quick as possible. You didn't like being there anymore, it made you feel anxious and guilty. Although, for the majority of your relationship with Mina it has been nothing but nice; you loved cooking dinners for her every day to make her relax and talk about what kind of day the both of you had had, you loved having slow Sunday mornings there. But none of that hasn't happened for quite a while now. Avoiding meals equalled constant lying; on the weekend you’d sleep in since your energy levels were constantly low, and most days you’d lie to get out of eating dinner. You would say that you had to study for a test, had an assignment due or simply that you had already eaten by the time Wilhemina got home.

All of these thoughts were flooding your mind from just standing in the room. You quickly grabbed the cup and left to go into your home office.

Your classes began at 8 and by the time noon arrived you were done for the day. You couldn’t focus on anything your lecturers were saying, which wasn’t uncommon, but this time it wasn’t just the fact that you were exhausted that kept you from paying attention. You kept thinking about how your relationship was slowly starting to fail. You and Mina were in love, but the truth is, your lies were undermining the trust between you two. Until your relapse, you had never lied to her and that’s why she knew that she could always count on you. But she started noticing how distant you were getting and how little time you wanted to spend with her; it hurt her, but she decided to just play along and pretend like everything was fine.

You were aware of all of this. You knew you needed to fix this but sadly enough, you didn’t know how to do that. There was no way you’d be willing to eat - the fear was too overwhelming for you. That’s why you decided to do the next best thing - a quick fix.

The first thing you came up with was a visit at work. There was a high risk of catching your girlfriend taking out her frustrations on one of her poor employees, but the only thing on your mind at that moment was making Wilhemina feel loved. You were mad at yourself for neglecting her because you knew that she deserved way better than that.

You got dressed and made your way to Kineros Robotics, stopping along the way at her favourite coffee shop. You had worked at the company a few years prior, so you knew most of the people by name and knew the place perfectly.

“Hey Jenny!” you greeted your former co-worker with a smile once you’ve made your way up to the front desk. “Y/N! What are you doing here?” she said while looking away from her computer. “Oh, I’m looking for a woman and thought she might be here. You may have seen her actually; long red hair, very kind, the same height as me… Does that ring any bells?”

“Was she wearing purple by any chance?” she asked jokingly.

“You know what? It is possible! How’d you know?” you answered and gave her a toothy smile.

“Try her office Y/N/N. But just a warning: she screamed at me today for letting in a delivery-guy, so she’s probably not in the best mood,” she said while pointing you in the direction.

You knew this was your fault; she does get snappier at work when she's worried about something. So, not only are you two miserable but others get screamed at more frequently. Maybe a quick fix wouldn’t be enough this time, but it was the best you could do for now.

You arrived at Mina’s office to find it empty so you hesitantly made your way down to the guys’ office. It didn’t take long for you to hear muffled voices, one of which belonged to the woman you were looking for, and you could tell that she was upset about something. Upon entering the room, you saw her; she had her back towards you and was supporting herself by the cane in her right hand. Just this image alone was enough to make your heart race. Jeff and Mutt were bending down to sniff what seemed like their daily dose of cocaine. There were also two girls sitting on a table near them, probably just random hookers the guys hired for the day.

“No, no, no, that’s not what I said. What I meant was, that you should watch your temper more��� Mutt said loudly before turning around to start typing on his keyboard.

You saw Wilhemina tighten her grip on her cane, “Excuse me?” she said in a cold tone, clearly getting ready to argue.

Jeff stood up after attempting to clean the powder from his nose, “Come on babe. You know you could be nicer to the employees”.

“Shut up Jeff,” you said sternly, making all the heads turn in your direction. “You’re paying her to do all the work around here that you are too lazy to do yourselves, not to be nice to people.” You could see the surprise on Wilhemina's face, but it didn't take her long to regain her composure and protectively reach for your hand once you've reached her side.

Jeff smiled at you and said “Y/N! Long-time no see. Have you finally changed your mind?”

You haven’t seen the two idiots for a couple of months, almost making you forget how gross they were. You took a step forward and stated “I wouldn’t touch your slimy dick with a two-feet pole,” which made both of them laugh slightly. “I'm here to put you in your place since you obviously still need to be reminded,” you continued giving them a cocky smirk. You knew they would not budge, but it was a nostalgic way of entertainment.

“Wow, you don’t have to be so rude baby,” he said pretending to be offended, “Seems to me like Ms.Venable has a bad influence on you.”

Oh, it was on. You were ready to shoot another remark but were stopped by your girlfriend’s hand giving you a squeeze and lightly pulling you back.

“I would choose my next words carefully if I were you; you’re on very thin ice,” Mina said while staring at Jeff. She would normally avoid confrontation with them but her possessive side got the best of her in that moment. Softening her expression, she turned to face you, “Would you wait for me in my office? I need to sort some things out.”

You nodded and turned on your heel to leave. Hearing Jeff shout at you “The offer still stands!” made you turn once more and say truthfully “Hope your brain turns into mush soon, asshole.”

Once you were out of the door and far enough that nobody thought you could hear them anymore Mutt started the conversation, “Damn Ms.Venable, are you even feeding her?” which made a look of confusion appear on Wilhemina's face. “Now, what’s that supposed to mean?” she asked with a hint of offence, trying to find an answer in the face of one of them. Since Jeff was the one who knew you the longest, he decided to explain, “Oh don’t tell me you haven’t noticed anything,” still seeing the puzzled look on his secretary’s face, he went on, “For fuck’s sake, don’t you live together? You must have noticed the weight loss, plus Y/N is never very subtle about this.”

That’s when it clicked and Wilhemina finally understood what Jeff was implying, “She's never subtle? This has happened before?”

She waited impatiently for an answer, hoping that all of this was just a sick joke; the other two exchanged a look of mutual understanding and Mutt finally said: “You should talk to her.”

You paced around the office trying to figure out what to do and how to fix this situation. You knew that Mina was hurt and probably even disappointed; you knew her instinct would be to build her walls up again and you were terrified she wouldn’t let you fully in again. Once you heard the sounds of her cane getting closer, you knew there was no preparing for this.

She entered the room with a somewhat disapproving expression on her face, which she successfully hid when you shot her a warm smile, waiting for her to sit in the chair while you leant on her table. Sitting down, she looked at the cup you were nervously playing with and narrowed her eyes at you. “I thought you might need cheering up today, so I got you your favourite,” you said while placing the coffee on her desk. And you could swear, at that exact moment, you saw love light up her eyes, and the slight smile she offered you gave you butterflies, just like the first time you saw her smile like that. The silence between you that followed made you play with your fingers anxiously but after a while, it was broken by Wilhemina's soft voice, “Well thank you. I appreciate it.”

“But that's not the only reason I stopped by. I've finished all my work for the week…” you traced off preparing yourself to say the latter part, which you'd much rather avoid, “So I thought that I could cook dinner for us tonight because I haven’t done that for a while now. And I wanted to ask you if there was anything you’d like.” At that point your heart was beating so fast you were sure she could hear it.

She could see how uncomfortable you were but wasn’t able to pinpoint the reason for your behaviour; she didn’t know whether it was due to your relationship hitting a rough patch or because Jeff and Mutt might have been right. Either way, she knew she’d find out tonight; playing it cool she kissed you on the cheek and told you that it was completely up to you.

Cooking the food was fine, calming even, but once it was done you realised that you actually had to eat it which caused you to panic. You tried to calm down but your eating disorder made that almost impossible. You sat at the table for what seemed like hours trying to come up with an excuse, eventually deciding to just drink wine and lie if you were to be questioned.

You were disturbed from your state by the door opening and your girlfriend coming into view. She locked eyes with you instantly. You could tell that she was exhausted, that wasn’t anything out of the ordinary after all, but there was more tonight. Wilhemina hasn’t been able to concentrate on anything else than you for the rest of the afternoon. She analysed the situation, her potential steps and their outcomes for the whole ride home. What scared her the most was the fact that in both scenarios, she was running a risk of losing you.  

You were both tense, expecting the other one to start a fight and unable to relax, so you only made small talk. You sat at the table with your glass of wine, playing with the food on your plate while watching Mina observe you closely. Then the tension got too much and she barked out, “Aren't you going to eat?” in a tone so cold, it reminded you of the times you worked for her. She held eye contact with you, almost daring you to lie to her. Almost daring you to start a fight that would break her heart. You quickly answered, saying that you ate right before she came so you were pretty full. Keeping your eyes on her face, you saw her expression change - she went from being irritated to being seemingly sad in a matter of seconds.

“Do you still love me?”

Once the question left her lips, there was no taking it back and it physically hurt you that she had to ask. It hurt to know that Wilhemina felt so abandoned by you, she actually thought you were going to leave her; and judging by the look in her eyes, she was ready for you to say “no”. Wasting no time, you answered, “Of course. Of course, I still love you, Mina.” hoping to sound genuine enough for her to believe you. You watched her closely, waiting for her reaction, but to your surprise, her feelings were shoved back down just as quickly as they surfaced.

She straightened her posture before stating, “Well, in that case, we need to talk.” You felt yourself freeze, knowing exactly what was about to go down.

“Have you been eating?” she asked, not letting you drift your eyes away from hers. You knew she’d catch on eventually and call you out, but you had hoped you had a little more time. With a confused expression on your face, you said, “What do you mean?”.

Wrong answer. Wilhemina was tired of your bullshit and you trying to hide it from her. Her face seemingly hardened as she explained, “I haven’t seen you have a meal in weeks. You’re always making excuses, saying you’re too busy to sit down with me. The two idiots even implied this isn’t the first time this has happened.”

You knew there was no point in pretending anymore, so not caring about the consequences anymore, you snapped, “Oh, so it took Jeff and Mutt telling you everything for you to notice? Good to know.” You got up to leave but the sudden sound of Mina’s cane hitting the floor made you stop in your tracks. “Sit your ass down,” she ordered through gritted teeth. Seeing how mad she was getting and how her knuckles whitened, you thought it was better to obey. Although Wilhemina liked establishing dominance, she very rarely raised her voice at you. But this was different, she was pissed that you refused to take care of yourself and she knew she had to be strict.

“Y/N, eat. Now,” she demanded in a stern tone. You were sitting down, fork in one hand and anxiously pulling the skin on your leg with the other. After a few minutes of silence, she reached for your hand under the table and with a pleading look in her eyes, she said softly, “Baby… please, try. For me.”

You couldn’t stand seeing her like this, so you hesitantly started to eat. You hated it, and the feeling of food in your stomach made you sick. Wilhemina rubbed slow circles on your hand in an attempt to calm you down. Despite her effort, tears started to fall down your cheeks about halfway through the meal, but you still managed to finish everything.

Seeing the plate finally empty caused you to sob uncontrollably. Mina approached you quickly and put her arms around you, pulling you into a tight hug. In between sobs, you whispered, “I hate you so much right now.” In response, she said, “Shhh, I know. I know,” while stroking your hair.

“You did good, little one.”

[mieohmy]

drafts... // yjh

to start with: hi everyone again 💕 you can probably tell by the title but sometimes I can’t write shit so I have a bunch of wips/horrible writings that I’ll never finish or just straight up hate -which means I’ll just post them so they can rot away and I never have to look at them again(and no they are not proofread) 🙂

D I S C O N T I N U E D

yoon jeonghan x matchmaker!reader

genre: fluff, humor, angst, strangers-to-lovers?

warnings: cursing

wc: 1.9k

summary: yoon jeonghan- your toughest matchmaking customer yet. flash forward thirteen dates and still insatiable. your only choice is to further investigate the reason behind all his failed attempts....but maybe it’s because he only wants you?

“How was your last date?”

He leans back with a bored sigh. “Uninteresting. She looked like her face was gonna melt with all that makeup on.”

And as much as you were starting to ‘dislike’ his presence here, yoon jeonghan was still your client and a fucking funny one at that.

You press your lips to prevent the laughter and it doesn’t go unnoticed. Neither does the shake of your head to collect your thoughts.

If there was anyone else in the room, literally anyone, they would’ve known exactly who jeonghan wanted really to go on a date with. (Hint hint: actually- no. you don’t even need one.)

“Well, i know she wasn’t the best choice, but we’re running out of options.” You hated forfeiting, but this guy was truly giving a run for your money.

“Are there other choices? Anyone?”

You rub your temple in frustration, scrolling through the options of contenders.

Honestly, you had no clue why he was constantly coming back to your office.

If you’re just gonna reject and complain about every girl, then why are you still here?

But you are indeed a professional- so the only thing you do is smile that polite worker smile and say, “Okay then. There’s another available person that’s willing to go out. Should we try one more time?”

The look on jeonghan’s face is unreadable. It almost makes you nervous. Does he.... does he not want to-?

“Okay,” he simply states.

When he gets up to leave, your eyebrows furrow. But you didn’t have the time to dwell on his strange action when his voice interrupts your further thoughts.

“Just text me the details. I’ll see you soon.”

“Wait-! You don’t even know anything about them....” your voice falters.

After a solid five minutes of making sure he was truly gone, you whip out your phone, furiously typing for the familiar contact on the screen.

“...yes?”

“Josh, I’m fucking quitting my job and moving to Alaska.”

There’s a pause.

“Is it that one guy again?? Jungle juice or whatever?”

“..... his name isn’t even hard to pronounce, and yes. More than 13 dates and jeonghan hasn’t found a single match. You know how stubborn I am but maybe it’s time to give up. I mean, is he just extremely picky or what?? I don’t get it.”

You spin circles in your chair, a perfect representation of how your mind felt.

“I don’t know y/n... could the problem might not be his dates but more him instead?”

The chair stops. “Him? What do you mean?”

The voice on the other line suddenly gets quieter. “I dunno, maybe there’s something wrong with junkyard and that’s why no one wants to date him?

The urge to correct him again is strong but the newfound thought distracts you.

“Huh.... Joshua, you might be onto something. I’ve never had problems with my clients being straight up horrible at dating though. But then again, thirteen failed dates and not a single success?”

You stare at the twirling ceiling. “But he must really want to find love, why else would he keep asking for my services?”  

Joshua’s voice turns suspicious. “You’re right... why else would he keep coming back to you?”

You snap your fingers, the perfect plan in mind. “I’m a genius, josh. I’ll take him out to really see what’s been happening on all the dates. Then we can figure out the problem.”

“So... you’re saying you’re gonna ask him out on a date to see what he’s been doing wrong on his other dates?”

The chair squeaks. “Oh. Uh. I guess so?”

“Okay.... just be careful. See you later.” There’s a certain edge to his voice that you notice.

After the call ends with a beep, you stare at the black phone screen.

Did josh mean something when he said that?

Shrugging it off,  you text jeonghan a few minutes later, surprised when he responds almost immediately.

You hesitantly tell him the reason for the so-called “date”, not expecting him to agree so quickly.

“Jeonghan, I-“ you stop and instead pass him as many tissues as you can, purposely avoiding looking at him and his very much see through shirt.

After a tense silence of just cleaning up, you mutter, “Did you really not wear anything underneath?”

He laughs. “So you were looking?”

“Haha, funny. And no. But when a mad person throws a drink at your white shirt, what do you expect?”

You soften, helping him with all the used wet napkins. You admire his strength to stay calm and not get angry in a situation like this.

“Are you really okay though? Do you have a jacket or anything to cover up with?”

He shakes his head.  

Coughing, you reach behind you, giving jeonghan a sheepish look.

“Well, I brought mine?”

Once you reach your car, you finally bring up what’s been buried in the back of your brain for quite a while, actually.

“Jeonghan.”

He looks at you curiously, your jacket still draped around him.

“Yeah? What’s up?”

You exhale, trying your best to seem unaffected and upbeat.

“I’m sorry. I just don’t think I can help you anymore.”

His heart stops. 

“...what did you say?”

“I think we should stop the whole matchmaking stuff, whatever this is. It’s not working out, which was obviously proven today. How many dates has it been? Why waste your time when we both know that it’s most likely not going to lead to anything?”

You smile, but it looks more like a grimace. “I suggest you find someone else to assist you if you’re that desperate for love. Once again, I’m sorry.”

Even with the feeling of defeat making you sink inside lower and lower, there was just simply nothing else you could do.

And jeonghan watches as you drive off, leaving him alone in the parking lot. The jacket -no, your jacket still wrapped around him, but suddenly it feels a lot colder than before.

But when you thought jeonghan finally left your life for good, he shows up once again, this time at your house.

What’s even worse is that it’s late at night and pouring outside. And you were stuck at home in possible the most embarrassing and ratty clothes to be caught wearing.

“What the hell jeonghan? What are you doing here?”

You examine his soaked body, aghast.

“I came to see you. And return your jacket, but mostly to see you.”

“Did you walk in the rain or something? Go back home. It’s so late -you must be crazy.

“No.”

His hard-set expression only makes you more frustrated.

“Listen. If you’re looking for more help, I can’t do anything. You- yoon jeonghan- are my hardest customer. I really don’t know what you want from me. I’ve tried everything and nothing’s worked.”

You can tell he’s getting increasingly annoyed, eyebrows furrowing and teeth gritting.

That causes you to sigh, arms crossing and uncrossing.

“I’m sorry. You’re just a case I can’t help. It-”

“The case isn’t about me. The case is that I’m in love with you.”

His voice is strained and controlled, like he’s barely able to hold it back.

.....huh?

You stare at each other for a solid minute.

Then comes the uncomfortable feeling of his eyes boring into yours and you feel the urge to close the door.

Unfortunately, that’s the one time your body actually listens to your brain and you swing the door shut in his face.

Even more unfortunately, it takes a minute for you to come back to your senses and let out a horrified, muffled scream.

Your hands scramble to reopen the door again.

There’s no one in sight, only the rain still coming down strong.

“Jeonghan?” you call out tentatively.

You walk out under the safety of your front porch, glancing for any sign of him.

After a couple more seconds of no results, you sigh and turn around to go back inside-

“Oh my god jeonghan.” He was to the side of your door, barely out of your peripheral view.

Jeonghan looks up from his small huddled position on the ground.

The sight of him looking like an abandoned puppy makes your heart squeeze.

Coughing, you attempt to smile feebly.

“I’m so sorry. Please come inside? It’s raining hard and you’re very much wet.”

Luckily he doesn’t protest much and follows you in. You force him to take a shower while you dry his clothes. There was some spare clothes found that might possibly fit him? It was better than nothing. You really did not want to see nothing. you don’t think you could handle that.

It all makes sense. Why he kept coming back to you. Why he was so eager to go out on that fake date with you, even if it was only an experiment.

But that’s not the real question. The real question is, how did you feel?

When the bathroom door finally opens, you start from your anxious seat on the couch.

But when he sits next to you, you slowly feel a wave of anger course through your body-no matter how good he looked.

“Are you stupid?”

His effort to dry his hair with the towel stops with your words.

He only stares at you.

You stand up, snatching the towel from jeonghan and beginning to dry his hair for him.

Quite forcefully, he notes.

Jeonghan heats up from your touch, noticeably getting softer and gentler. On the other hand, you were very much annoyed while also focusing on drying his hair to your best ability.

“Who the hell just goes in the rain like that? And shows up at someone else’s house without notice? And then proceeds to confess their love for them?”

Jeonghan says nothing. Eventually, you finish drying his hair and throw the towel to the side.

“How long?” Your voice is tight, attempting to hold back the emotions. But the look in your eyes is different-desperate, curious. You really just want to know.

This. This isnt what you expected. Your job is to find someone perfect for him, and that someone couldn’t possibly be you yourself, right?

Out of all the people in the world, jeonghan only wants you. That one thought is enough to make you shiver.

For the first in a while, jeonghan speaks up. “Since the first time we met.”

“Stop lying. I know for a fact you don’t give a shit about love at first sight.”

He laughs. “That’s why I like you. You get me, my jokes, and pranks. Basically everything I say and do. Ah, and it was like after three failed dates or whatever. What can I say, I really liked seeing your face after all those boring dates.”

It’s hard for you to hold back a smile.

“Alright, since I believe you this time, I guess I’ll  accept your confession.”

“Wait, what? You like me back?”

“Well,” your voice cracks and you shoot him a crooked grin. “I don’t know, but we can always try?”

He stifles a laugh at your obvious attempt to hide your shyness, looking back at you with a glint in his eyes.

“Okay. Bet.”

Your head tilts in confusion.

“I bet I can get you to fall in love with me in one week,” he says, trademark smirk pasted on his face.

And jeonghan already knows -you’re not one to back down to challenges.

“Oh, it’s on, lover boy.”

a/n: EWWW ALSKJFASL anyways- sorry for typos and yes there are so many random cuts and scenes (ones i liked and didnt want to delete) that probably make no sense since my unproductive ass doesn’t want to rewrite the whole story-like there is nothing going on with this aHA that’s all :) 

[rubyofhouserocks]

goblin (in mirror) 3/5

Riz is sitting high above the ground, legs folded underneath himself on the bleachers that overlook the bloodrush field. He’s trying and failing to focus on his Stealth and Sleight of Hand homework as grunting, panting students tackle each other in his peripheral vision.

Normally, Riz would choose a more serene locale to accomplish the task at hand, but today he’s waiting for Gorgug to finish up practice so they can study together. It’s been a Thursday tradition for a while now, ever since Gorgug approached him bashfully a couple of months ago and admitted that he needed the motivation of another person’s productivity to focus on his own schoolwork. Riz felt weird about it at first, excluding the other Bad Kids from their little study group, but Gorgug had explained his worry that the “vibe” would shift to one of companionship instead of one focused on academic pursuits (“Why not ask Adaine to join, then?” Riz had asked. “She takes her studies very seriously.”

“I know,” Gorgug said, looking somewhat uncomfortable as he scratched his cheek. “It’s just. Well. She makes these noises, y’know, when she gets frustrated by her reading? Like—”

“Like Sandra-Lynn’s griffin got caught in an arcanoblender.”

“Yeah.”).

And, well, Riz would be lying if he said something warm and pleasant didn’t glow in his chest at the thought that there were friendship duties that only he could fulfill. He’s trying hard, these days, not to fixate on the insecurities that creep into his consciousness when he’s alone inside of his mind, but sometimes it takes more than words of reassurance from his friend to keep the anxious beast within him at bay. He’s a creature of data, not emotion, and having evidence of his own utility goes a long way toward making him feel at ease with his place in the Bad Kids.

What’s more, the weekly study has been good for Riz’s grades, as well. It’s why he usually tries to finish most of his homework ahead of time, so he can devote the study session to actually reviewing the material, rather than churning out busy work. Unfortunately, his brain isn’t exactly cooperating at the moment; his attention keeps getting snagged by the action taking place some 300 feet away from him.

“Ha ha,” Fabian bellows as he dodges out of reach of multiple players on the defensive line, bragging in that strange tone of his that blends propriety with boisterousness as he deftly maneuverers down the field. His tank top is entirely soaked through with sweat, clinging to his body like a disgusting second skin. As Fabian makes his way into the end zone and gently lays the ball at his own feet, he lifts that drenched shirt to wipe at the sweat on his forehead, exposing the toned muscles of his stomach and—

Distraction, thy name is Seacaster, some deep corner of Riz’s mind whispers, and he bats at the air in front of his face as if to banish the thought. It’s not just Fabian who’s preventing him from focusing, but the general atmosphere of loudness. Obviously. It has nothing to do with the three touchdowns that Fabian has scored, or the way his legs seem to glide over the field, or oh my god Riz is doing it again.

Thankfully, Riz doesn’t need to suffer through the definitely-not-specific distraction for much longer, because practice ends and Gorgug runs up to him within five minutes. He reeks of sweat, the exertion of having played the sport for the past two hours evident. His skin has a pleased glow to it and he’s smiling broadly.

“Did you see that play I just pulled off?” he asks. “Ragh was all like grrr, but I was all like psheww and I managed to…” Gorgug is gesturing wildly, but he cuts off at Riz’s apparent lack of recognition. “Oh, did you not see it?”

“No, I must have missed it while I was doing my homework,” Riz lies, his face heating.

“But I looked up and you seemed like you were watching, and you were making this face like—oh,” Gorgug says, and Riz can almost watch the cogs at work in his mind as he pieces together the information in front of him. Gorgug may not be the smartest member of the group, not in the classical sense, but Riz knows him well enough to know that Gorgug has moments of emotional wisdom beyond his years. Whether it was his parenting, or just something intrinsically Gorgug, Riz couldn’t be sure. “Oh, you weren’t watching me. You were…”

Riz appreciates that he has the sense of decorum not to finish that sentence. Still, he doesn’t see any point in denying it. He nods, “yeah.”

“That’s—I mean, that’s cool,” Gorgug says, and Riz knows he isn’t stuttering because he feels awkward about what Riz has confirmed for him, but because Gorgug desperately doesn’t want to say the wrong thing. “I mean, it’s totally cool that you—yeah.”

“Thanks,” Riz says, but weirdly, he doesn’t feel as panicked as he thought he would. He feels…at peace about the whole thing, oddly enough.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I…kinda do, yeah,” Riz finds himself saying, surprising himself. He isn’t sure when he started trusting the other members of his party so unconditionally, but he knows that Gorgug isn’t going to judge him for anything he says. And he knows that Gorgug won’t gossip about it, either (at least, he won’t gossip about it well).

“Hey, man, that’s fine. Studying can wait,” Gorgug says, and he sits down next to Riz and listens.

Riz talks until the sky starts growing dark around them, unleashing everything that he’s been bottling up for so long in one angsty, ranting burst, and Gorgug doesn’t interrupt him once. He just sits quietly and lets Riz speak, even though it’s getting late and Riz knows that Gorgug has a quiz on Monday that he really needs to study for. He takes a moment to appreciate that Gorgug is sacrificing his schoolwork for him, just because Riz asked him to, and he feels something small and hopeful bubble up in his chest at the thought.

By the time he’s finished pouring his heart out about his silly, unrequited crush on Fabian, he feels better, strangely. For the first time in a while, Riz feels secure in his friendship with the other Bad Kids, because he realizes that they have his back in more contexts than just the battlefield. He feels lighter, too, now that he isn’t the only one who has to hold onto this secret; his friends are willing to share that burden with him, and that’s. That’s pretty neat.

[normal-thoughts-official]

ok not to be That Magnus Stan but seeing your last ask... how do you think adhd/sensory issues might intersect with kink for Magnus? (You don't have to answer jkjljljljkllljlk)

i mean pls be That Magnus Stan tbh, and id be more than happy to answer it 👀👀👀

also the ask you’re referring to is no longer my last ask because it took me a while to finish this up, but anyway

ok so there's plenty of things that apply the same way to the both of them - like hyperfixating on their characters when planning roleplay, definitely the whole thing about how domspace (well, subspace for magnus, but u get it) feels a bit like hyperfocus? like his senses are just honed in and particularly for an adhd person that's just great news. like usually his head is all over the place but when he's in subspace he gets that quiet and he's just focusing on his own pleasure and everything else quiets down for a bit

in that sense i feel like it's the opposite of what anon said about being overwhelmed, like, i feel like the enhanced sensations are good for magnus because again adhd = brain desperately looking for stimuli at all times, so when he's engaging in like, orgasm delay/denial, gangbang and the like, he has a clear thing to focus on, sometimes even more than he can really process, and that kind of satisfies his brain?

udhdudndid that sounds stupid but i hope you understand what i mean, like, of course sensory issues could become bad and he might need to safeword but when he's in the proper headspace and he just allows himself to be washed over by the pleasure and let go, it feels like finally his mind is clear. i don't know if i have adhd, but it definitely feels that way for me. also, he might actually need the overstimulation in order to focus and feel pleasure, sometimes. like anything less he just.... wanders away jdhdudjdi i also feel that way

also, warning again just in case! im not saying "wow ppl with adhd are subs". im just conjecturing about how a person who happens to have adhd and be into subbing (and like, specifically the kind of adhd and kinks i hc for magnus) would feel in regards to how those things overlap and change their experience with their pleasure. or well, magnus specifically, not just any person with adhd. but anyway

also that thing i said about following orders and just letting go, like- usually his mind is going a mile a minute, and as a political leader and someone who's been on his own most of his life etc he just worries all the time. how to present, gesticulate, speak, what to say, what to do, he's always hyperaware of his own movements (because he has to) and worrying about others and their pleasure and comfort and shit, so to get to just lie back, not move - be unable to move, even - follow orders and be a good boy? that's some A+ shit right there

you know? he doesnt have to be anxious about anything or try to keep his thoughts and movements in check and guess ppl's reactions or even worry if he's just following orders - orders he knows he'll enjoy, that he's agreed to, planned for, with someone that he trusts - and feeling the pleasure that comes from that. a huge part of his usual thoughts is finally muted and that helps him feel relaxed and mellow and get into subspace. which again, he craves, because usually adhd brain is just aaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAA and so subspace is a very welcome and even needed break

even from a neurological standpoint, like... adhd is basically lack of norepinephrine in the brain, and orgasms, especially intense ones, release a lot of that, but I'll try not to nerd out too hard here. tho i might have to go back to that in a minute

isnt it performance art that i had a genius thought that i loved and halfway through finishing the last sentence i just forgot it

oh yeah! thinking specifically about rsd and how this comes into play for someone who's into humiliation kink. there are several psychological analyses that postulate that one of the things attractive about bdsm is that it allows you to explore fears and generally bad situations in a controlled environment. kinda like reading fiction or doing extreme sports. so in that sense bdsm is attractive because it allows you to act on those fears and turn them into something 1- safe, 2- under their control, instead of the other way around, and 3- pleasurable

and like... dont get me wrong it's not that magnus is into being told "ur ugly and no one loves you" or something lmao but in a way humiliation kink is enacting a fantasy of rejection/belittling, except turned inside out? like "you're my good little fucktoy, you were made to be fucked like this, you slut" is degrading and belittling and on the verge of calling someone worthless... except positive. because that's what makes them so great to fuck? so in a way this kind of play flips the tables on many concepts because being a "slut" or a "toy" feels like a compliment. and in this process of degradation you are taking the fear of being worthless and making a scenario where that being true is exactly what makes the person worthwhile

idk i might be reaching a bit here cuz i think im into humiliation that's way more hardcore than i think magnus would be like i straight up enjoy being called worthless lmao but i feel like that makes sense, the way that humiliation/degradation play takes your fear of rejection or shortcoming and is like "but if that were true.... that would make you good" like o shit can't argue with that

and again like.... obviously that's all a very careful line as you're dealing with some sensitive stuff, which is why doms need to go through training to be able to deal with the physical and mental implications of what they're doing. and none of this is conscious of course, i don't think magnus is out there thinking this through deeply or anything, im just saying it's a part of what makes bdsm subconsciously appealing to some ppl. but my point is, rsd might play a part in why magnus is into that mix of praise and humiliation. like i think he needs the praise for reassurance even during play, which alec is more than happy to provide ("you're so beautiful, look at you, so perfect like this, i love you,"), and that kind of play where rejection, praise, and pleasure are all kind of one and the same is appealing because it just makes it all the more overwhelming without actually being negative and your mind is just lost in the almost contradictory stimuli but the pleasure and the positive wins out and you just feel so relaxed and good? yeah

but there's also like, the way that impacts the negative possible outcomes of bdsm. namely, rsd and subdrop

rsd is kind of obvious so i'll try to be brief: it's a sensitive issue and if he's not in the proper headspace for it, it can have the opposite effect and go very wrong very fast, because his reaction to rejection is hyperamplified by it. so if it has the opposite of the desired effect - rejection overpowering praise and pleasure - it might go south so fast he doesnt have the time to yellow. like he can't prevent it before it happens, you know? which is also why i think he wouldn't go Super Deep into humiliation and why the mix with praise is key - which is another way in which they are compatible because alec sure does love praising him

as for subdrop: if you don't know what that is, basically BDSM play is very intense and releases a fuckton of endorphins all at once very fast, so, sometimes, the sub doesn't come down from their orgasm as much as falls facefirst back to earth. meaning, their brain empties itself of endorphins, which leaves them feeling hollow and depressed, sometimes also moody, hypersensitive/prone to crying, fatigued, and just generally bad

which is one of the many reasons aftercare is important! and also proper dom training! with proper aftercare, you can prevent that drop from happening, by keeping the sub feeling positively. reassurance, touch, and other forms to bring physical and/or psychological relief and/or pleasure helps keep their brain from just crashing once the rush of endorphins is over, so it lasts a little longer and they can come down from the high gently. work those neurotransmitters yall! keep them up and running!

so anyway i feel like subdrop is not only a bigger deal for ppl with adhd (because adhd is already a lack of neurotransmitters so fucking up your balance even further is Very Bad), but also more likely to happen if you're not careful, because the "regular" adhd brain already has a lack of neurotransmitters, which keep those endorphins running. so adhd ppl might "run out" of them even easier

NOTE: i'm not affirming that, this is a shot in the dark. i have no data or research to back that up and im nowhere near an expert in neuroscience, i just know the basics. so don't take this part too seriously and definitely don't quote me on it

but anyWAY yeah. my point is, subdrop can be a problem so it’s something that he tries to be prepared for, have some snacks before and after, do proper aftercare, etc. like i said, it’s mostly preventable, although sometimes stuff like this happens even if you do your best. but anyway

and there’s another thing too, which is that one possible sympton of subdrop is feeling rejected and alone. which is super fun when you have rsd! so yeah. subdrop can be very bad for magnus. and like, don’t get me wrong, i’m not saying it happens every time or super frequently or something, but it IS something he has to watch out for possibly more than others haha man thinking about how camille didn’t care about this at ALL. he knows it can be bad, but he’s also learnt how to prevent it for him, and as the healthy bastards that they are, magnus and alec talk about that in length. during alec’s Research™ he comes across that concept and he brings it up with magnus and makes sure that he knows everything there is to know about how and when magnus experiences subdrop and how to deal with that. he also makes magnus promise to let him know if he ever has it, because alec WILL drop everything to go and give him extra care. and it’s sweet

on a better note! BDSM has been shown to be associated with lower levels of rejection sensitivity among practitioners. so that’s nice? like obviously magnus won’t find the cure for his rsd with BDSM or anything, but i like the idea of magnus opening his eyes one day and realizing that hey, ever since alec and i have been doing play more often, i’ve been feeling a little less affected by rejection?

also like, BDSM as a whole helps enhance trust and communication in a relationship (obviously it needs to already be there for the BDSM activities to take place and like please everyone everything i’m saying here is on people who enjoy it. how you perceive these actions is heavily influenced by whether or not you enjoyed them so i’m not saying that BDSM is great for everyone, i’m saying that it’s great for people who are into it. so don’t go thinking BDSM will do your relationship good or something, k? k) for obvious reasons, so that also helps magnus feel more secure you know. so that’s a positive way that these things interact too 

and okay, i think that’s all i have? not that this isn’t gigantic but like you know. i don’t know how to end this other than uh i had fun answering that ask! also, again, i’m not a psychologist or a neuroscientist and there is actually pretty little research on the psychological effects of BDSM as most of the discussion seems to be centered on “is kink a disease?” due to stigmatization, so like, please, i’m doing this for fun, alright? i tried to make it as accurate as possible and also i get Into It and dive deep into research sometimes so while this is a somewhat educated guess, don’t take everything i say here as face value

in short, thanks for asking! 

[kayteewritessteve]

Fated - 5/8

Description: You’re a rogue werewolf, a bounty hunter. It’s not the most glamourous life, but it keeps you paid well and highly entertained. But when a long time acquaintance resurfaces with a mission and a lot of money to throw around, you finally relent and take a job from him. And then things get crazy when you stumble upon your Fated Mate along the way.

Catch up HERE.

Word Count: 6,800 ish.

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Werewolf!Reader

Rating: 18+

Warnings: Curse words. Sassy, snarky and adult comments and moments. Depictions of fight scenes and fighting, the same as canon stuffs.

A/N: I sadly don’t own any of these characters. And no beta reader, so I do proudly own all the errors and this story, so there’s that.

The abrupt feeling of falling startles you out of your deep slumber, not fully, but enough to have you just slightly aware of your surroundings now. You feel a warmth under your cheek and up against your side, you don’t really remember your bed being this warm, but yet you aren’t complaining in the slightest. You unconsciously shift closer to it, just needing to be closer to it, to the warmth coming off it. You wiggle a little trying to get comfy again and then feel a slight movement as you hear a deep rumble come from said warmth.

A rumble that sounds surprisingly like a chuckle. But that’s weird because beds don’t usually laugh...

You take a deep breath in and your whole body tenses up instantly. Your eyes snapping open and quickly adjusting before flicking around the lowly light space with which you currently reside. You’re still on the Quinjet, and the warmth beside you is definitely not a bed. No, that much you are sure of.

You sit up fully and turn to your makeshift resting post, seeing amused blue eyes staring back at you.

“Steve,” you whisper breathlessly, as if disbelieving of his current presence and placement.

He gives you a glorious smile, showing off his brilliantly white teeth. “Hey sleepyhead,” he whispers back in the silences of the space around you. Clearly not wanting to make any loud, abrupt noises.

“What are—“ you start, your eyes searching around again, “ah, where did Buck go?”

“He needed to go speak with Sam, asked if I could step in so you had somewhere to lean,” he shrugs, as if it’s totally normal to just agree to be some random sleeping woman’s resting place. “How was your sleep?”

“Ah, yeah, fine,” you nod quickly, snapping your eyes away from him to face forward, before stretching your arms above your head with a groan. “Very much needed.”

“Oh?” He questions quietly, “haven’t been sleeping much lately?”

You shake your head with a sigh, “no, been too busy hunting down leads on Heinrich,” And avoiding you to the point the Bond hasn’t shut up about you long enough for me to actually sleep—but you leave that last part out as you turn to glance at him again. “How far out are we?”

Steve glances down at his watch for a second, “we land in about an hour.”

Your eyes widen slightly at the news, “I’ve been asleep for 6 hours?” You gape at him, because on the Quinjet, the flight from New York to Romania would take 7 hours. Meaning you’ve been asleep for 6. “Wait,” you shake your head as a new thought enters your mind, “just how long, exactly, have I been sleeping on you?”

Steve's eyes move over your face slowly before he starts to smirk and looks away from you, facing forward now. “About 5 and a half hours.”

“What?!” You exclaim breathlessly, your face heating up which is an entirely new feeling for you. You never blush, this is not something that happens to you. Your hands shoot up to cover your cheeks, praying to the Goddess that he doesn’t notice in the low light of the Quinjets belly. “You’ve just been sitting here this whole time, letting me sleep on you?” You mumble softly, trying to make up for your voices abrupt volume just seconds ago.

He chuckles quietly, though it’s a deep, rich sound and it causes your heart to flutter as your cheeks heat up even more under your now slightly shaky hands. He shrugs a shoulder, “yeah, I sort of lost track of time. I’ve just been sitting here reading while you slept,” he picks up a book from the other side of him, one you hadn’t even noticed was there in the first place, showing it to you and then placing it back down on the bench.

“How could you even see the words in the dark?” You mumble confused, as you turn to him, your hands still on your cheeks and notice he is looking at you now. He raises a playful eyebrow at you, making that ridiculously beautiful chuckling sound once again, and obviously your heart flutters at it, just as it had before.

His hands raise up to gently grasp your wrists, the tingles shooting through your whole body instantly. You see him freeze and glance down at where your skin touches for a moment, confused, before he refocuses and begins to slowly pulls your hands from your face. “The super serum gave me a few enhancements when it comes to my eyesight. One of those being a night vision, of sorts. It’s not perfect, but it allows me to see just enough,” he smirks as his eyes move between your now extremely flushed cheeks, before flicking up to meet your probably anxious looking eyes.

You clear your throat, nodding as you go to turn away from him but a large hand on your cheek prevents you from turning your head at all.

“Don’t hide it,” he pleads softly, barely above a whisper and sounding far too breathy for your liking. You lock eyes with him, finding yourself trapped in his gaze like always. “I personally think it looks good on you,” he adds a moment later, at the same volume as before. His eyes glancing down to your cheeks, confirming he is talking about the blush.

You nod slowly, your brain all over the place and your mouth suddenly super dry. Like what is that about? Your breath hitches when you see his vision drop to your lips, which causes you to unconsciously lick them before you can think better of it. And thanks to your own heighten senses, you don’t miss his beautiful blues darkening as he watches your tongues movement.

And again before you can stop yourself, your eyes also lower to his lips, and oh Goddess how you want to kiss him. How you want to fling yourself at him and never let go.

You feel the pull, it’s urging you both to move closer, to seal the deal. To finally give in and let the Bond take control.

The silence in the space around you is both deathly still and impossibly electrified. The only sounds in your ears is that of both your fast paced heart beats, and the insanely sexy sounds of Steve’s now laboured breaths. And who knew the simple sound of someone just breathing could be so damn enticing, so utterly bewitching. This man will be the death of you, that much you knew.

‘A death we’d skip happily towards and take with honour,’ your wolf groggily pipes up, startling you momentarily. She’d been asleep this whole time as well, and you are actually surprised she hadn’t woken up at the same time as you. What with her always being fully intune with your surroundings and desperate to be near Steve. Clearly she hasn’t been sleeping well this last week either, which yeah, that isn’t exactly a shock to you. Not even in the slightest.

‘So, what did I miss?’ She asks excitedly, before adding with a dreamy sigh, ‘Goddess he looks amazing in that suit—Wait, why didn’t you wake me sooner, so I could appreciate him for longer?!’ She growls, obviously fully awake and alert now.

You roll your eyes in your mind at her, ‘oh, I’m so sorry, Your Highness. How rude of me to be so distracted that I couldn’t even think straight. My bad there, it won’t happen again. I promise.’

‘Don’t get loud with me, little girl,’ she narrows her eyes, but you can tell it’s playfully. ‘Though I must say, I have been enjoying this more feisty side of you lately. He’s clearly good for us.’

You are instantly reminded of where you currently are by her words, focusing back on the glorious man in front of you, only to promptly notice he is now much, much closer. His lips only an inch away from yours, his breath fanning across your face deliciously.

Your heart stutters at the nearness, as your breath hitches along with it. All you have to do is move just a little and his lips will be on yours. The stifling tension could be momentarily quelled with just that small, simple action alone.

‘Just do it already,’ she pleads desperately. ‘I know you are dying to know how it feels to kiss him. Just do it, just give in.’

Goddess, how right she is. But even with that said, you can’t ignore the persistent thought in the forefront of your mind. He has a girlfriend.

Just as you give that thought a slightly louder voice in your head, you see him shift a little, clearly going in for the kill and you quickly react to that. Lifting your right hand up and lightly placing your index and middle fingers on his lips, preventing them from reaching you. You sigh deeply as you pull back, seeing the confusion in his eyes, followed closely by regret then lastly sorrow. And instantly you know he is probably feeling rejected at the moment and that kills you. You aren’t rejecting him, you could never do that, you just can’t do this. This whole him having a girlfriend and you being the side piece. You are far too territorial and impulsive to be okay with that notion. You do not share, mainly and especially where your mate is concerned. It’s her or you, there is no grey area here.

‘What are you doing?’ Your wolf exclaims loudly, ‘he clearly wants this just as much as we do!’

‘No he doesn’t!’ You growl right back, ‘he is just acting on the Mate Bond. He has no clue as to why he has these urges, nor what is driving his actions right now. If we weren’t Mates, I highly doubt he’d even be interested in us as all.’

‘That is irrelevant because we are Mates! That isn’t going to change nor is it even worth discussing! This is Fate’s choice, he was picked for us for a reason! He completes us just as we do to him! Stop fighting this, stop going against it!’

‘I can’t. I won’t share him. I won’t allow this to go any further until he can be entirely ours,’ you internally shake your head. ‘My mind is made up and there is nothing you can say to change it.’

‘You are so maddening!’ She growls, snapping her jaw at you. ‘I can’t take this anymore, I’m going back to sleep. Wake me up when you’ve pulled your head out of your ass.’

Steve’s brows furrow still looking completely forlorn and dejected, which snaps you back to the real world before you can reply to your wolf’s angry words. You are instantly aware that he can probably see the conflict on your face currently; the anger at your situation and the talk you’re having with your wolf. Not that he’d know about that last part though.

“I’m so sorry, Steve,” you whisper, sighing again. “I can’t do this right now, but I promise this will all make sense one day—“

The sound of heavy footsteps halts your words there as you instantly pull back, creating some much needed space between you and your ridiculously good smelling Mate.

Your eyes snap over to the intruder, seeing a smug looking Bucky standing a few feet away now. He is glancing knowingly between the two of you, as if he is fully aware of the intense internal push and pull going on between you and Steve. The insane sexual tension that is attempting to suffocate you both at the moment.

You awkwardly cough trying to snap Steve out of it, when you notice he hasn’t moved an inch, and is still sitting there, leaning in towards you. His brows still furrowed as he just stares at you, completely ignoring the presence of his best friend. Either that, or his is honestly unaware Bucky is even standing there.

Luckily your awkward action snaps him out of it and he shakes his head before turning to look at his friend. His eyes widened just a little, instantly telling you did in fact have no idea the brunette was here. He shuffles his large body slightly, creating a little more room between the two of you. Though the giant smirk on Bucky’s lips tells you both that moving away from each other now is pointless, he saw enough to know what was actually going on here, just moments again.

“Ah, hey Buck,” Steve starts, his voice deeper, huskier than normal. Clearly affected by everything that had just happened. And Goddess, the deep timber of his voice now, makes you clench your eyes and thighs closed momentarily. Trying desperately to regain control of yourself and your wayward body. He abruptly clears his throat, “What’s going on? Is everything okay?”

Bucky’s smirk only grows larger at this—and you honestly didn’t even think that was possible. But clearly it was. “I feel like I should be asking the two of you that,” he glances slowly between you both, raising a brow as he does. His eyes finally settle on Steve, “Something I should know about, Punk?”

Steve furrows his brows again, though this time it’s directed at his best friend, before he shakes his head. “What did you need?” He swiftly ignores his friends remarks and tries to focus the conversation back to whatever Buck came here for originally.

Bucky clearly picks up on what Steve is doing, and for a second looks like he isn’t going to let this go so easily, but seems to think better of it. “Tony needs your help figuring out a good landing spot.”

Steve glances back at you for a second, before sighing with a nod and standing up. He goes to say something to you, opening his mouth to do so but then snaps it shut and nods to you before walking passed Bucky and towards the cockpit. You don’t miss the look Bucky gives him as he walks by though, the look screaming ‘we will talk about this later’. And thank Goddess you won’t be present for that conversation. You’ll make sure of it.

You hastily pull out your phone, both needing the distraction and hoping Bucky gets the hint and just leaves. You don’t want to talk to him right now, not with your insides raging with need and your mind hazy as it tries to catch up, and move passed everything that has just happened.

Though your efforts are clearly in vain as you continue to smell the brunette’s presence and then notice in your peripherals as he makes his way towards you, sitting down in the same place Steve just vacated. A few silent moments pass by, luckily giving you a chance to work through your various notifications.

“So,” Bucky starts slowly. And you know exactly what is to come. You sigh, because so much for having a small moment to collect yourself. To focus your mind elsewhere. “What was that all about?”

You shrug, “dunno what you’re talking about.”

He chuckles, “come on, Doll, give me a little more credit than that.”

You glance up from your device, looking towards him and seeing him still smirking as he just stares at you. You roll your eyes before looking back down at your phone, quickly opening and then skimming through the lengthy text message from John.

“Way to just dump my slumbering form on Steve. Thanks for that by the way,” you lightly chide him.

He scoffs, “like I actually had a choice. The second he saw you passed out on my shoulder he damn near ripped me off this bench.” He shakes his head, adding quietly, “he probably would have done just that, had it not most likely resulted in either waking you up or making you hit the floor.”

You snap your eyes to his, amusement clear in his light blues, but you say nothing as his words sink in.

“I’ve known that Punk my whole life, and I’ve never seen him look at anyone the way he looks at you. Nor have I ever had him look at me the way he did when he walked in here and saw us. If I knew any better, I’d say he was jealous.” He breaks the eye contact, looking ahead of himself, “that’s a lie. I know for a fact he was.”

“Why are you telling me this?” You whisper, “don’t friends have this unspoken packed to hold each other's secrets for life?”

He looks thoughtful for a second, before he side eyes you, “Normally yeah, I’ll take that guys secrets to the grave with me. But in this case, I’m worried he won’t make a move fast enough and then you’ll be gone, and he’ll have missed his only shot.”

This time you scoff, once again looking down at your phone. “What, do you not like Kelly or something?”

“Kelly?” He questions, sounding confused. “As in the HR chick?”

“I dunno,” you shrug, finally typing a reply to John as a distraction from the current topic. “Is that what she does here? She’s with HR?”

“What does she have to do with any of this?”

You halt your fingers, furrowing your brows, “I don’t see how she wouldn’t play a part in all of this,” you look at him, as if he has three heads. “She is kinda Steve’s girlfriend, after all.”

His eyes widen at your words, completely taken aback for a moment, before he chuckles and shakes his head. “Who told you that?”

You scrunch up your nose, “no one, but it wasn’t hard to figure out that they’re together.”

He opens his mouth but Sam’s voice echoing through the room cuts him off before he can even start. “Tin Man, Cap needs ya up front.”

Bucky nods, standing, “I’ll be right back, Doll.”

You turn your attention back to your phone, giving a small, quick wave off in reply, but not saying anything else, as you finish your message to John.

You step purposefully down the Quinjets ramp, wanting to get on with this all so that you can finally head home and get the hell away from these people. From Steve.

You’d ended up sending off that message to John and then sitting silently and alone for the next half hour, wracking your brain about everything. Buck never ended up coming back, neither did Steve, no one came to join you actually. Which was both a blessing and a curse.

You had the time you so desperately needed to think and breathe, but then it quickly turned to too much time as your mind began overthinking everything. Panicking about every little thing. The anxiety quickly skyrocketed within you and by the time the futuristic aircraft touched down, you were a frantic mess and more than ready to get the hell out of that flying tin can.

You didn’t wait for anyone, you didn’t ask for permission, the second the quinjet was fully settled on the ground, you got up and hit the button to lower the ramp. You didn’t need back up, nor did you need anyone following behind and slowing you down. You could do this entirely on your own, just as you had been doing for years. Heinrich was just a man, and no match for the likes of you. A pure-bred, fully trained warrior Wolf.

Yeah, no, Heinrich was fucking doomed. And to make matters worse, you were now irritable and cranky as hell. So he wasn’t exactly in for a treat when you did finally find him, you’d release all your pent up emotions on the hunt and capture of him and his henchman.

‘Let me at em,’ your wolf happily yips in your mind. ‘I haven’t had a good workout in over a week, I’m dying for a long run and a glorious take down.’

‘Me too, girl,’ you nod, ‘me too.’

You’d woken your wolf up as the aircraft was touching down, knowing she’d be too excited and distracted by the prospect of a hunt to even think of bringing Steve up again. So here you both were fully stepping off the Quinjet’s ramp and taking a deep inhale of the glorious forest air. This was your domain, this was the shit you were made for. This was the terrain you thrived in. Dense forests and never ending mountain ranges. You were at your best in locations like this, the lack of human presence allowing your heightened senses a small reprieve.

When you were in large cities, or heavily populated areas, it made pinpointing an exact scent rather difficult. Not impossible by any means, but it definitely took longer to hon in on it. And usually you’d have something that belonged to your target, so you’d know your ‘paydays’ scent signature before hand and could then search for the match.

However, you had nothing of Heinrich’s, so you’d have to just pinpoint any and all foreign smells that didn’t belong to the natural woods, and then track every one till you could actually set eyes on your guy. Thus allowing you to finally know his smell and use that to monitor and track him for a day or two, just while you checked the surrounding area fully, and worked out a feasible take down plan.

You glance around then readjust your large bag on your shoulder before setting off. You planned to get a little ways away from the Quinjet and then you’d put the things you needed in your special backpack and hide the rest. Once that was done, you’d shift into your wolf and allow her to take over. If it meant being in your wolf form for days, that was totally fine. It wouldn’t be the first time, and it definitely wouldn’t be the last.

Shifting back and forth between both forms was exhausting and took a lot out of you both, you’d need to sleep way more if you continuously shifted between the two. So once you became a wolf, you’d stay that way till you found him, only switching back to take him down as the less humans who know of your kind, the better.

Just as you are reaching the tree line, a loud voice sends a shiver down your spin as you cringed inwardly. Knowing exactly who that deep voice belongs to, and having hoped you’d get away before anyone noticed you were even gone. Mainly before he noticed you were.

“Y/N!”

‘He’s coming,’ your wolf says in a sing song voice. ‘Though sadly not in the way I wish he would.’

You halt your steps, ignoring her dirty remarks as you slowly spin on your heel to face him, groaning softly when you see his large, beautiful form running towards you now. How can one man be so damn attractive?!

‘Just imagine how he’d look with no clothes on right now,’ she purrs and you groan softly again. Because yeah, you totally just imagined it. Fuck.

A moment after he’d reached your spot, and still neither of you had uttered so much as a peep. Both just standing there awkwardly staring at each other. You sigh deeply, finally deciding to speak first, “can I help you Steve?”

“Where are you going?” He frowns down at you.

“I’m going to track down Heinrich,” you supply slowly, almost confused as to why he’d even need to ask that question.

“Alone?”

‘Not if you join us, big boy,’ your wolf replies. ‘The things we could do alone with him out here. Woo, I’m getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it,’ her tongue playfully falls from her mouth, dangling out of it.

You shush her as you glance around, the two of you being the only ones currently standing here. Then you nod slowly, biting your tongue to hold back the sarcastic remark now sitting on it’s tip. The one begging to be said. “Yes, alone,” you decide to say instead.

His frown is instantly gone as an intense emotion flashes through his beautiful eyes. Too fast for you to be able to catch, but judging by the vibes now coming off the large super soldier, he’s a wee bit mad at you. He shakes his head, “you weren’t even planning to tell any of us you were leaving, were you?”

“I wasn’t,” you agree, unfazed. “I will track him down and then radio you all the exact coordinates so you can come retrieve him and his men.”

“That’s it?” He says quickly. “You were just going to hitch a ride here, and then leave us all high and dry while you handled everything by yourself. What if you can’t take them all down on your own, Y/N, what then?”

‘Did he just—’ she gasps, feigning outrage. ‘Nope, nuh uh, he needs to be punished for that. Tell him to bend over, he’s getting an ass smack for questioning our skills.’ Though the wide cheeky grin now on her face tells you she just wants a reason to touch his butt, and that almost makes you laugh.

But you push it down and instead just shrug nonchalantly at him, “didn’t even think about that, as it would never even be a possibility. I know for a fact I can take every one of them down quickly, efficiently and entirely on my own. So no point in risking harm to you or any of your team. You guys can’t take time off to heal, you have an entire world to protect every day, whereas I do not.”

He shakes his head, the angry vibes rolling off him only getting more intense with each passing second, “what if you get hurt or captured or, or worse, and I—we have no clue where you are?”

“I won’t,” you affirm. Your wolf nodding in your mind in agreement.

He makes a noise at the back of his throat and you almost collapse right there and then, because it honestly sounded just like a growl. Oh Goddess, he growls too?! You are dead. This man has killed you—

“You are just so damn cocky!” He bellows lowly, his heated glare searing right through your skin now. Or at least it feels like it is, but you can’t tear your eyes away from him at the moment to actually check for burns. “You think you’re so invincible, and that nothing or no one can even touch you, but they can, Y/N. And one day they will.” He pauses and sighs deeply, as if attempting to quell his anger. “You don’t have to do this alone, and you can’t be so reckless all the time, you need to be more cautious with your safety. If something ever happened to you, I don’t,” he trails off, pinching the bridge of his nose as he clenches his eyes shut.

After a moment of this you reach out for his forearm, and urge him to continue gently, “You don’t, what?”

He sighs again as his eyes open as lock on yours, while he quietly says, “I know we barely know each other, but if anything happened to you, Y/N, I dunno what I’d do with myself.”

‘Oh my Goddess,’ your wolf says breathlessly, ‘did your heart just flutter from that too? Or was it just mine?!’

You sigh, it wasn’t just hers, yours had fluttered as well. You’d barely had any fight in you to begin with, but you sure as shit don’t have any left now. Not with his soft, shaky and slightly scared words replaying in your mind.

“Look Steve, I know I’m starting to sound like a broken record here,” you deflate a little, “but I meant it when I said I’m used to going it alone. I’m not used to having people to rely on, and I’m definitely not used to having people worry about me. I know you can’t understand why I’m able to be so,” you scrunch up your nose at his choice of words, “cocky. But I promise you, I know exactly what I’m capable of and just how far I can take that. What may seem reckless to you, is in fact timid in comparison to my true skills. And that’s not being full of myself, that’s being entirely honest. There is so much you don’t know about me, or this world, and if you did, you’d fully understand why I am the way I am.”

He stares at you intensely for a moment, before his eyes drift slowly over your whole form. The look in them as they skim your every bump and curve, causes the fine hairs on your body to stand tall at his appraising. “Then show me,” he challenges as his eyes finally connect with yours again.

‘We’ll show you something alright,’ she says flirtatiously.

“Steve,” you groan, feeling entirely flustered at not only the full scan you’d just received but your wolfs words as well. “It’s not that simple. You aren’t ready to find out just yet, and I refuse to push you into this all before you’re ready.”

“I’m not letting you go it alone, now that I’ve caught you. So you might as well just show me, or I’m sure I’ll just figure it out on my own eventually.” He shrugs, “Plus I’m a fast learner, if you hadn’t already gathered that yet.”

You glare up at him, not enjoying that he is forcing your hand here. You could just agree to this all and then promptly lose him in the woods somewhere close by so he could find the Quinjet again. Yeah, that could work.

‘That is a horrible fucking plan,’ your wolf rolls her eyes. ‘What if he gets lost? What if he gets hurt?’

‘We could deal with those possibilities when or if they arise. He’s a smart guy, he’s made it his entire life without us watching out for him.’

‘Maybe so, but he is our responsibility now. We aren’t just going to ditch him in the middle of the woods, so get that idea out of your head.’

‘You know that means he’ll have to learn what we are then,’ you point out. ‘He isn’t ready for that just yet.’

‘Oh pfft,’ she drags out the sound, ‘he totally is. And I’m ready for my close up, I want him to see my full form,’ she give you a wolfish grin. ‘It’s my turn to show off.’

‘Fine,’ you grumble, knowing you aren’t going to win this one. You are smart enough to know when to pick your battles with her. And this is not one you should choose.

You sigh, defeatedly, “Fine, you can tag along. But if you slow me down, I’ll leave you behind,” you warn, pointing a finger up at the tall mountain of a man.

“Whether or not I was joining you was never up for debate,” he says, raising a brow at you as if curious why your response to him didn’t really line up, or make sense. If only he knew you were currently having two conversations at once. Though from the looks of it, he’ll know that little fact soon enough. “I told you I wasn’t letting you go alone. The only thing in question now is how I’m going to learn what this secret information about you is.”

Shit. Right. “Ah, yeah, yes. That. Um,” you glance around, still not seeing anyone nearby. Your eyes lock with his, “alright, I’ll tell you. Just not here.” You turn on your heel and continue on your way, not checking if he is following or not because A) you know he wouldn’t let you get away now. And B) you can still smell him behind you.

You both walk in silence for a while, your wolf is nonstop harassing you to tell him already so she can come out to ‘play’, her words, not yours. And they only stand to make you more nervous about this all now—I mean, she isn’t going to just straight up mount him. It doesn’t really have the same affect as you’re kind of a woman and all. And I guess she can’t exactly talk to him either, so that helps.

But yet deep down you still just know, she will find some way to embarrass you both, and you really aren’t interested in that at the moment.

‘Oh, I’d straight up mount him in a heartbeat. Don’t count that out just yet,’ she comments unhelpfully. ‘Though, I’d prefer it if he mounted me.’

‘Okay, nope, fuck this. This isn’t happening today,’ you shake your head, in your head. And yeah, it’s still weird. ‘We will just plan to do this some other time.’

She rolls her eyes, ‘please. Waiting won’t change a damn thing. This is going to have to be done eventually, so just embrace it and let it happen. Because either way, when it does happen, someone is getting mounted. Jury’s just still out on whether it will be us or him, though.’

You groan internally at her. ‘You honestly just have no chill. You know that?’

‘Oh, I’m well aware,’ she snickers, ‘that man just steams all the chill right out of me. Him and his ridiculously hot body.’ She sighs dreamily, ‘I mean just look at his ass, you could bounce a damn quarter off that thing.’

You side eye Steve’s ass, him having fallen into step beside you now, and groan internally again. Agitated by the fact she is entirely correct, you probably could bounce a quarter off it.

“You okay?” His voice snaps you back to reality.

“I’m sorry?” You stupidly ask, unsure why he choose now, of all times, to speak up. As if he could read your mind, and thank Goddess he can’t yet, that would not be good currently.

“You just randomly groaned, are you okay?” He clarifies and you instantly realize that the action you thought was internal, was in fact the opposite of that.

“Oh, ah,” your steps falter for a second, as your wolf’s cackles echo in your mind. “I just thought of something. It’s not important though,” you wave it off.

She abruptly stops laughing, as she wryly says, ‘wow, amazing excuse again. Did that take long to come up with?’ To which you just shush her again.

“Oh yeah?” He glances down at you as you both continue to walk. “And what was that?” He challenges, and the disbelieving amusement in his voice is as loud as a damn drum.

You scrunch up your features, knowing you have no response to that question. “Like I said, not important. But uh,” you pause, trying to figure out something to say to change the topic of this conversation. “So you got my reference to Leela this morning?”

‘Good save,’ she rolls her eyes.

He chuckles, the sound informing you that he is well aware you are trying to distract him. But luckily he bites, “I did. I’ve watched a few of the seasons.”

“I can’t believe you’ve watched Futurama,” you giggle, the image of the 100 year old, super soldier sitting in front of a TV watching Bender get drunk and Fry navigate the new world flashing in your mind. “Who told you to watch it?”

“It’s definitely an acquired taste,” he chuckles and shakes his head. “And Tony did, it was actually at the top of his list of ‘things I needed to catch up on’. He said I’d be able to relate with Fry, and everything he’d been through. I had no idea what he meant by that till I started watching it and yeah, I get what he meant now.”

“Oh my Goddess,” you instantly halt your steps, bursting out laughing as you realize what he’s talking about. Fry was frozen in time and woke up far in the future. Holy shit, that’s the greatest thing you’ve ever heard. You’re laughing so hard you have to actually bend over to place your hands on your knees so you don’t collapse.

You finally calm yourself down after a few moments, “I can’t believe I didn’t even think of that. Oh man, I am totally going to high five Tony when we get back. He really is a genius.”

“Yeah, it’s a pretty fitting show. Though there were a bunch of things I didn’t fully understand, but it had it’s funny moments for sure.” He laughs and shakes his head, “please don’t tell Tony that genius part, it will just go right to his already large ego.”

“Deal,” you nod, still laughing a little. “I’ll keep that comment to myself.”

He smiles down at you in thanks and then you both continue on a little ways, talking about the things he’s caught up on, and stuff he still needs to. You give him a few suggestions, knowing he’ll have similar tastes to you. Ya know, since you’re Fated Mates and all.

You reach a small clearing and decide this is as good a place as any to finally let your secret out. You halt your steps and Steve does as well. “I think here is good.” You drop your bag on the ground, opening it and pulling out your special backpack. You quickly shift the few things you need into it, before walking over to the tree line to hide your duffle bag and left over clothes. Then you make your way back to Steve, standing beside your backpack that is now just sitting on the ground.

“Now you have to promise not to freak out, okay?” You say hesitantly, you can even hear the nerves now in your voice. So you know for a fact Steve can as well.

He furrows his brows but nods, “okay.”

You glance around, taking a moment to level out your breathing. “This will be a little intense to watch the first time. But don’t panic, I would never hurt you, nor would ah,” you falter unsure what to call her, “nor would my um, my alter ego. Trust me, she already adores you, so the only thing you are at risk of is being licked.” You sigh, mumbling to yourself, “and possibly being mounted.”

His eyes go wide at that, “being what?”

“Shit,” you cringe, “you heard that?”

He stares at you for a second, then nods and you can now see a sparkle in his eyes. He is clearly finding this funny, or amusing at the very least. “Who exactly is planning to mount me?”

‘That’d be me,’ she cheekily replies in your head.

“You’ll see,” you sigh. “Now, once I’m shifted, I won’t be able to talk to you. But I will be able to hear and understand you. I’ll only shift for a few moments so you can get a feel for everything and then we can have a small talk about it, if you want. Okay?”

“Shift?” He gives you a once over again, much quicker this time. “Shift into what?”

“It’s honestly easier to just show you. If I told you, you’d probably think I was crazy. I’ll wait till you’re ready,” you say as you bend down and untie your shoes, kicking them off and removing your socks before putting them all in your bag.

“Okay,” he says slowly, taking a small step back. “I think I’m ready.”

You nod, reaching down for the hem of your shirt and instantly seeing Steves eyes hon in on your movements. You falter for just a second, you’ve never been embarrassed by nudity before, but this is an entirely new experience for you. This is your True Mate, this will be the first time he ever lays eyes on your naked form. What if he doesn’t like what he sees? What if he isn’t ready to see all of you yet? Humans are so weird about this stuff.

“Um, unless you want a show, I’d maybe recommend you turn around for this part.”

His eyes flick up to yours, as if he’d just been totally distracted by what your hands were about to do. He doesn’t say anything, nor does he turn around, so you assume that’s the go ahead for you to continue. You quickly pull the shirt over your head, pushing it into your backpack and then moving to remove your jeans next. You undo the button, and lower the zipper, then tug them down your legs and put them in your bag as well. Leaving you just in your undergarments, standing in a field, in front of your True Mate.

Who honestly looks completely lost currently. Like he has no clue what is going on, or what he should be doing at the moment. But as if like a punch to the stomach, he snaps out of it and his eyes slowly drift over your near naked form. The intense trail they travel along leaving you hot and flustered, as goosebumps rise over the skin under is unwavering gaze.

When his eyes finally reach yours again, they are considerably darker. And you can’t miss the lust now swimming within them. He takes a small step towards you, and oh Goddess, now all you can think about is jumping this man, right here in this field and having your way with him.

Your hands reach behind and unclasp your bra, and that seems to snap him out of the heated standoff you are both currently stuck in. Instantly his cheeks begin to turn bright red, the colour moving up from his neck at a rapid pace and ending in his ears. He abruptly spins around, “I’m ah,” he clears his throat. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to just stand there, staring.”

You grin at how flustered he is now, glad you aren’t the only one, “I didn’t mind at all. You could have kept staring, wouldn’t have bothered me any.”

“That’s um,” you see his head shake. “That’s okay, I shouldn’t have been watching. I should have given you your privacy when you first started doing um,” he gestures with a hand behind himself, towards you, “that.”

You chuckle, “it’s okay, Steve. You don’t have to feel awkward or guilty for wanting to watch. Trust me, nudity doesn’t bother me in the slightest. You’ll figure that out soon enough.” You remove your bra, your panties following right behind and then tuck them both in the bag before zipping it up and attaching it to your back.

“Okay, but why are you ah,” he shifts a little on his feet, “getting undressed, exactly?”

“You’ll see in a few seconds,” you take a deep breath, closing your eyes and focusing your thoughts on your wolf. Pulling her to the front of your mind and giving her full control of the reigns. It only takes a few seconds to shift and land on all fours, you now being the voice inside her head as she takes on the entire command of this forms movements.

And now your heart is pumping wildly in your chest, because here it is. The moment of truth. Is he going to be okay with this? Or is he going to take one look at you and run in the complete opposite direction? Oh Goddess, please let him be good with all of this. Not only for your sake, but for your wolf’s, as well.

With a deep breath in, you prepare yourself for what’s about to unfold. Because it’s now or never.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

@caps-lockdown @itsstillnotwhatyouthink @tfandtws @boxofteenageideas @wangdeasang @giggleberts @casuallydarktiger @theonelittleone @agentbadbitch @ratwrites @starrystellars @bandsandanimefreak @rockyroadthepastryarchy @lovvliies @cuffski @icesoccerer @alwaysright4 @lilsthethrills @steeeeverogers @zombiepotterfour @mu-mu-rs @ledandan1244 @straightforwardly @denzmallows @xremember-me-notx @gwynethjodie @lollipopdomination @capstopavenger @jemimah-b99 @rcvenqers @justkending @alagalaska @silent-loucidity @sabertooth-potato @pies-wands-and-more @interstellarmess @gabriella69816 @phantom-soilder @wordlesscaptain @captain-hammer-of-asgard @starstucknature @viarogers @pixieferry @kaithezaftig @the-kinkiest-goblin @hysterically-original @badassbeckettswan @heyiamthatbitch @zlixlle @capsicledoll @givemehopenfandoms @pretendingandpreposterous @frozen-phoenix17 @emotionallysalty @saturngirlz @atomicsludgedonutbiscuit @ivannagotthebeat @bohemian-barbie @marvelous-capsicle @ivoryhazlewood @steverogersxreader @cjhorseback @jasminecalia @jessiedaeum @capricornprince118 @sister-of-stars @wiserebelpartypie

[gaycrouton]

Please please please because you are so good at smut and also at Msr humorous exchanges write the prompt #34 “During 'Three of a Kind' drugged Scully thinks she is a stripper dressed as an FBI agent. The Gunmen keep her from stripping by telling her the bachelor of honor hasn't arrived yet. Mulder then arrives, and they leave him to deal with a stripping Scully” if I have to beg let me know I’ll do it!! You are my favorite writer on here! Thank you for existing 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

DEAR ANON, thank you so so much for your kind words! You’re too kind! ALSO, I apologize this literally took me like eight months to answer. I hope you’re still here. 

This was in response to the @xfpornbattle ‘s battle in December I think? I wrote a different “Three of a Kind” story then, so I tried to make this one as different as I could. Here’s a link to the other story, but I hope I did this justice you kind kind anon! Illicit Desires Link Here

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“I don’ wanna wear this costume anymore,” she pouted with a playful lilt, smiling after successfully undoing the third button of her shirt after twenty minutes of struggling. 

A chorus of ‘No’s and ‘Jesus Christ’s erupted from the three men before Byers grabbed her hands and gently dragged them away from herself. “Scully,” he stated like an angry parent. “Stop trying to take off your clothes.”

“But isn’t this wha’ you want?” she teased, leaning forward to kiss Beyers who let go of her like she was on fire.

“He’s going to kill us. Simple as that. Mulder is going to get here and murder each and every one of us,” Beyers moaned, rubbing his hands over his face as Scully giggled and fumbled with her fourth button.

Byers had ended up calling Mulder shortly after they lured Scully here, he just was too afraid of what the redheaded agent’s reaction would be that he felt it imperative that Mulder come to act as a barrier. He could tell Scully was beginning to tolerate, maybe he could even dare to say like, them, but he knew for a fact she wouldn’t blow up on them as much if Mulder was here to talk her down.

But that was before she was drugged.

Now not only did they have to deal with a drugged up Special Agent Dana Scully whom seemed to think her work attire was an outfit for a strip tease, who undoubtedly would tell them all off in the morning, but Mulder was due any time now. However mad Scully would be about her situation was eclipsed by the hellfire her short tempered partner was sure to enact on them when he saw the state she was in.

“I thought the shot would counteract the anoitic effect or whatever,” Langley stated while they all watched Scully struggle to pull herself upright on the bed.

“That’s what Suzanne said,” Beyers exclaimed as she continued struggling with the button that would turn a disheveled appearance into an indecent one. 

“Where is she anyway? I think a feminine influence would be better for this type of situation,” Frohike asked nervously, trying to avoid gawking at Scully.

“Oh no, I broke it!” Scully whined from the bed, holding the button out for Beyers to take from her.

“Scully, please,” he pled, taking it from her as she used his arm as leverage to stand up.

“But issa party!” she proclaimed with a giggle. 

“Scully, scully,” Langley repeated, trying to get her attention and ended up inadvertently holding her in his arms, careening his head away from her attempt to snuggle him. “You have to wait to take off any of your clothes until the guest of honor gets here, okay?”

“What are you-” Beyers started, stopping short as Langley shot him a look.

“Who’s that?” Scully asked, kicking off her shoes haphazardly. 

“Your partner, Fox Mulder. Tall, broody, and comley,” he told her.

“Oh Muldey!” she exclaimed with a beaming smile. 

“Yeah, do you know who he is?” Langley asked slowly.

“He’s my favorite person in the whole wide world,” she confessed dramatically.

“You’re his favorite too, which is why you need to stay dressed okay? When he gets here you can strip as much as you want,” Langely replied, trying to direct her to sit down with no avail.

“Langley!” Beyers chastised. Last he’d heard, Mulder still hadn’t made any sort of move on Scully nor her on him.

“What? Like he’d care,” Langely replied, watching as Scully slipped out of his grasp. 

“Okay,” she agreed reluctantly before focusing on Frohike who was sitting in a chair trying to track the data they’d gotten. She took a few lazy steps towards him until she was close enough to sit on his lap and wrap her arms around his neck. “But can we have some fun before he comes?” she asked, hugging Frohike’s head against her breasts.

“What the fuck is going on?” an angry voice shouted from the entryway. They all turned in time to see one fuming Fox Mulder standing in front of Suzanne. 

“I’m sorry, I thought this was your friend,” Suzanne apologized as she walked behind Mulder’s thunderous footsteps.

“He is,” the three replied in unison.

“Muldey, you’re here!” Scully beamed from her seat on Frohike. Her enthusiasm caused Mulder to falter and shoot Frohike a look of pure confusion. They all stayed still in rigid anticipation of what was to happen next. Scully, oblivious to it all, raised her hands towards Mulder and exclaimed, “Happy Birthday!”

“What the hell did you guys do to her?” he asked, taking one of her hands in his own and helping her off of Melvin’s lap and into his arms.

“She was drugged,” Frohike responded, trying to conceal his blush.

“She was what?” Mulder exclaimed, jumping in surprise when she leaned up to press a kiss to his throat. 

“It’s a long story,” Beyers sighed. “But she was given an anecdote, so it should wear off relatively soon,” he explained.

“I missed you sooooooo much,” Scully whined, drawing his attention away from the three men and back to the petite redhead swaying in his arms.

“I missed you too,” Mulder reassured quietly, moving his hands to stabilize her before looking back at Beyers. “Is she okay?”

“Yes,” Suzanne spoke up. “The drug will wear off relatively soon, she just needs to sleep it off. Anoitic histamine impedes higher brain functions. It promotes suggestibility which is why she’s acting different.”

“Different? She seems completely out of it!” Mulder exclaimed, trying to keep his voice neutral for Scully, but his worry permeating through nonetheless. 

“Anoitic histamine is often used for mind control. Brain washing,” Suzanne explained.

Scully giggled and held tighter onto Mulder, burying her face in his chest which he acknowledged but only seemed to get more anxious about. “And why the hell was someone trying to get her in this state?” Mulder seethed.

“Well not everyone who is inflicted turns into a bimbo,” Frohike responded. “It’s not what you’re probably thinking.”

“What did you just say?” Mulder barked, turning around with Scully attached to him. 

“Oh no, Muldey’s mad,” Scully proclaimed with a mock expression of anger that was too cute to be in anyway intimidating. 

Mulder let out a frustrated sigh before putting a hand on her back to get her attention. “No-no I’m not mad, Scully. I’m just worried about you,” he mumbled sweetly, obviously only wanting her to hear that, but the room was too small for it not to be broadcast to everyone else.

“What Melvin meant was that whoever did this didn’t mean for her to get in this state to take advantage of her. They probably wanted to get her in this state so she would be too airheaded, sorry,” he added at Mulder’s glare, “-to finish the autopsy.”

“Autopsy?” Mulder repeated.

“Wait, you mean-?” Frohie said at the same time.

“Yeah. I don’t think she was jet lagged like Langley thought. I think they injected her sometime around then so she couldn’t determine cause of death.”

“Beeeeeeeeep,” Scully exclaimed from her position on Mulder’s chest.

Mulder let out an aggravated huff as he figured out his next move. “Listen,” he demanded, looking at Beyers. “I want to know everything that went on, but taking care of her is my first-” he got distracted as he looked down and saw Scully unbuttoning his shirt. He reached up and grabbed her hand, halting her motions, much to her dismay. “-my first priority. She will be okay right? This is only temporary?” he asked.

“She just needs to sleep,” Beyers nodded.

“Not that that’ll be happening anytime soon,” Langley joked.

“Do I need to do anything?” Mulder asked, trying to back away from Scully who was still trying to undo his shirt. 

“I’d just make sure she didn’t escape to the bar downstairs. There’s a line of men dying for her to come back,” Frohike said severely.

“What-” Mulder started defensively before getting distracted by Scully’s hands on his face. “Wh-what do you need, Scully?” he asked in a much gentler tone, giving her his full attention.

“I don’ wanna wear this anymore,” she whined, pulling at her shirt.

Mulder’s gaze followed down to her partially-exposed breasts before shooting back up. “Oh yeah,” Langley added. “She thinks she’s a stripper for some reason.”

“Excuse me?” Mulder asked, grabbing her hands in his own again to prevent her from taking off a fifth button. 

“Long story, but she’s been excited to see you,” Langley responded, holding in a laugh as Mulder turned red as Scully loudly proclaimed words of affection at him.

“You’re so han’some Muldey. I missed you so much. I’m so glad y-you’re here. Can we go han’ out?” she rambled, swaying back in forth in what looked to be an attempt to get Mulder to dance with her.

“O-okay, Scully. We’ll go,” he reassured, wrapping an arm around her middle and walking her to the door.

“We’re not done with this conversation,” Mulder said severely, walking out the door Suzanne was propping open for them.

“Good luck,” Langley shouted out as the door closed before turning to the remaining people in the room and stating, “He has no idea what he’s in for.”

XXXXXXXXXX

“Scully, please,” he begged for what felt like the hundredth time since they’d entered his room all but five minutes ago.

“Aw come on Muldey, I jus’ wanna have some fun with you,” she cooed, tantalizingly swaying her hips side to side like a drunken metronome. 

For some damn reason, she was under the impression she needed to give him a striptease. He’d tried unsuccessfully in the elevator to button her shirt back up, but one of the buttons was missing and she’d just kept pushing her chest out so that his fingers would end up grazing her breasts. 

Now that they were in his hotel room, she was insatiable. 

He was sitting on the edge of the bed she’d pushed him on and was watching with fascinated anxiety as she continued unbuttoning, more accurately - ripping, her blouse. Scully didn’t wear undershirts. Noted. Each undone button deepened the ivory line that was as dangerous as it was tantalizing, the only break was a thin black strip in between the valley of her breasts.  

It was a Catch 22, if he got up to stop her, she’d be all over him, but if he sat here and watched her, he felt like he was taking advantage of her. He was going to have to ask Frohike what exactly happened in the hotel lobby, because when he tried to ignore her, she’d threaten to go down there. Short of trying her to the bedm which he was not going to do, he was at a loss. 

“Scully, can we watch a movie or something?” he asked as she ungracefully pulled her shirt out of her skirt to gain access to the remaining buttons. 

She shushed him before taking a few stumbling steps towards him, now making her close enough for her perfume to waft towards him. When she’d pushed him on the bed earlier ‘to get a front row seat’, he immediately grabbed a pillow and kept it on his lap the whole time. Having her all over him and acting so affectionate was having more of an effect on him than he cared to let her know.

She managed to get the last few buttons off and with a squeal of excitement, she shed the blouse to the floor, leaving her in a black skirt and a matching black lacy bra. Fuck.

“Scully, I have some spare clothes in my bag, you can use one of my shirts as a nightgown,” he offered, suddenly taking great interest in the painting of a poppy field on the wall.

Ziiippp

He glanced over just in time to see her bending over and trying to step out of her skirt. However, her balance was shit right now and he saw her careening over right next to the sharp edge of a countertop. “Scully, hey,” he shouted, jumping off the bed and grabbing her upper arms to prevent her from hitting her head or falling. 

She used his support to stand up fully and look up at him with a beaming smile that made his throat clench. “Awwh, are you tryin’ to sweep me off my feet?” she giggled, wrapping her arms around his neck and pressing her body flush against his own.

“I don’t want you to hurt yourself,” he replied honestly, trying to reign in a groan building at the back of his throat from how good her abdomen felt against his erection.

“You’re funny,” she snickered. “You don’ wanna hurt me but you’re stabbin’ me.”

He cocked his head to the side before realizing what she meant. He grabbed her arms and gently pushed her away at the same time he concaved his hips away from her. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-”

“Noooooo,” she whined uncharacteristically. “I liked it.”

He let out a slow breath as he realized she was now clad in only her bra and underwear. She wore cheeky, tiny underwear. Duly Noted. “You won’t like it in the morning.”

She took a step towards him, and he took a step backwards. This pattern continued until his legs were flush against the bed and he fell on his ass on it. Scully used this opportunity to step in between his spread legs and reach behind her back, pushing her breasts in his face. “I think I will,” she nodded.

It took him a moment to realize what she was struggling to do, and his hands instantly shot out to still her movements. The last thing he needed was for her bare tits to be directly in his face. “You’re killing me,” he exhaled, not knowing what to do.

Scully pouted her bottom lip at her worry and let her hands fall. “Do you need a hug, Muldey?” she asked. 

Before he had a chance to say no, she wrapped her arms around his head and pulled him to her chest, effectively smashing his face in between her breasts. Her creamy smooth breasts that felt pillow soft against his cheeks and lips and smelled torturously like her. “I loooooove you,” she beamed, swiveling in place so that her chest kept rubbing against him constantly.

“Mpfhsully,” he mumbled against her skin, placing his hands on her hips in an attempt to get her to still. Oddly, in this moment he was reminded of what Clyde Bruckman had told him all those years ago. Would suffocating in Scully’s breasts count as auto erotic asphyxiation? 

“I don’ want you to be sad,” she confided in a comically sad voice.

He was able to pull back enough to say, “I’m not sad, Scully. I promise.” His affirmation seemed to make her happy because her frown quickly became a smile. At the same time he smiled back to placate her, he noticed the straps of her bra slide down her shoulders. Shit.

She hadn’t stopped earlier because she was distracted, she stopped because she’d unclasped it. He leaned away in an attempt to get away, but the movement only resulted in the bra straps coming to rest in the crooks of her arms, revealing her rosy tipped breasts to him. His cock ached at the sight and he had to close his eyes to tune out the sensory overload going on. “Do you not like them?” her sad voice asked, so much vulnerability coming through despite the drug that it broke his heart. 

“They’re very nice, Scully. I just don’t think you really want me to see them,” he replied. They’re perfect, Scully would’ve been a more accurate response, but he’ll keep that to himself.

“I always wan’ you to look at them,” she argued. 

He felt a hardened nipple graze his cheek and he jumped violently in response, opening his eyes and seeing she’d managed to get closer. He’d always pictured being in this position before, but usually he got to put her mouth on her rather than careen away. This was the ultimate cruelty, Scully was finally making a move on him and he couldn’t do a damn thing. He’d never forgive himself if he took advantage of her while she was vulnerable.

While he was looking around for something else to pay attention to while he lectured her, she’d reached down and grabbed his hand and had pulled it up to her chest, resulting in him cupping one of her breasts. The weight of it in his hand felt amazing, but he pulled away immediately. “Stop doing that,” he chastised lightly, not wanting to hurt her feelings. He was learning drugged Scully had a tendency to pout and openly declare her sadness - two things sober Scully never did. Thank god for that too, because he was quickly learning it was his weakness. 

“Why?” she asked, sliding one leg onto the bed next to his so that she was half-straddling him.

“Because you aren’t you right now, and I won’t let you do anything you’d regret,” he replied. Too late.

“I am me right now,” she argued, trying to get her other leg up but not having the energy to do so, resulting in her swaying and grabbing Mulder’s shoulders for balance. 

“You’ve been drugged, Scully,” he told her sternly, trying to jostle her leg back down so he could stand up.

She made an exaggerated gasping sound as if this was news to her. “That’s awful!”

“I know,” he responded with just as much enthusiasm, as if confiding a secret with her.

“S-so,” she started as he stood up fully and switched positions with her, sitting her on the bed so he could grab his bag. She seemed to be struggling with her words and he could see a line of frustration wrinkling her forehead. “So, we can’ have any fun?” she asked sadly.

“We can have fun, Scully,” he replied, tossing the bag next to her on the bed before unzipping it. “Just fun that involves us wearing clothes.”

She whined and fell backwards onto the bed, letting her arms splay out at her sides. Oh how he’d imagined that exact visage so many times. She rolled her head to the side so she could look at him over her breast. “Can I see your penis?”

He let out a huff of shock as his eyes widened. “What?” 

“We’d be even. You got to see my boobs,” she explained, lifting her arms up to squish her breasts together in emphasis as if he could have ever possibly forgotten what they looked like. 

“I told you not to show me your boobs, so that’s on you. Besides, my penis wouldn’t be nearly as pretty, so it’s not an even trade,” he replied, barely believing this was an actual conversation he was having right now.

At that, she sat up and scooted closer to him, so she was flush with the bag. “Hey,” she declared, trying to get his attention.

“Yes, Scully?” he deadpanned, wishing he’d packed some sleeping pills or anything that might calm her down.

“Look a’ me,” she demanded.

With a heavy sigh, he stilled his motion in the bag and looked directly in her eyes to appease her. She had her face set in the most stern, no-nonsense Scully look he’d ever seen, but it was like a caricature version of herself that was so endearing he had to bite back a smile. 

Pleased that she had his attention, she reached up and grabbed the sides of his head carelessly. She leaned forward and he wanted to laugh at how seriously she wanted him to take her words. “I don’ wan’ you to doubt yourself,” she demanded. His forehead crinkled in confusion, but before he could as what she meant, she added, “You have a very pretty penis.”

Jesus Christ.

“You’ve never seen it,” he retorted. “And no penis is pretty.”

She nodded her head exaggeratedly. “Yes I have. Well, not like that,” she said, pointing to his erection. “But I’ve seen you fl-flaccid and it was very nice. I don’ like hearing you be down on yourself, Muller. Everythin’ about you is pretty,” she reassured.

Dana Kathrine Scully giving him a drugged lecture on body positivity, Vegas really was as wild as people said. “Okay, thank you, Scully. I appreciate that.”

Accepting his statement, she nodded and let her hands fall into her lap. Now that whatever that was had passed, he was able to find one of his nicer t-shirts for her to wear and he pulled it out of the bag. It was barely visible fpr all of three seconds before Scully whined, “Noooooooo.”

“Scully, you need to wear something for bed,” he stated.

“Not that one!” she demanded.

He sighed and set it back in the bag. “Okay, which do you want?”

“The Oxford one,” she replied almost immediately. 

He quirked a brow in surprise, but looked for it regardless. “But it’s worn out and got holes in it.”

“But i’s my favorite shirt of yours. You-” she broke to hiccup. “You wear it when we hang out an’-an’ it looks so good on you.”

The statement made him curious as to how much of sober Scully was actually coming through in this conversation. Deciding not to give it too much thought, he found the shirt and passed it to her, only to have her raise her arms over her head. He decided to indulge her and rolled up the shirt so he could drape it over her with minimal touching. When it fell down on her, he brushed his hand across her neck so he could untuck her hair from underneath the shirt. 

She smiled sweetly at him before yawning and turning around to crawl up the bed. He’d never been so happy to see someone yawn before. “Hey!” she called as he set the bag on the ground. He turned to look at her and she violently patted the bed next to her. 

“I’m coming, I’m coming. Find something on TV okay?” he told her, hoping to distract her while he changed into his pyjamas - which was just his undershirt and boxers. It luckily worked and he was sliding under the covers within a minute, free of any sexually suggestive comments from the peanut gallery.

She left it on Die Hard and snuggled into the bed, turning so she was facing him. “Thank you for taking care of me Muldey,” she murmured, succumbing to her exhaustion with heavy lids. 

“Of course. It was about time I tried to repay the favor,” he laughed.

Her lips quirked and he felt like he could finally enjoy looking at her. Her hair was spilling out onto the pillow and the reflections from the tv were casting shadows on her serene face. Somehow this felt even more intimate than when he was defacto motorboating her earlier. She mumbled something but he couldn’t quite hear. “What was that Scully?”

“You really are my favorite. You know that right?” she mumbled a little louder, reaching her hand out to grab his.

He let her fingers interlaced in his as he watched her nose twitch. He had no idea what she was talking about, but felt touched nonetheless.

“You’re my favorite too, Scully,” he replied to her sleeping form, placing a kiss to her temple before watching her for just a while longer. 

Much like she’d watch him when she woke up, a smile tugging at her lips at the endless ways her partner managed to make her fall for him.

[loptgangandi]

OH BOY GUYS HAVE I GOT A MUN-DAY STORY FOR YOU

( tl;dr I was refused entry into my mom’s home country, spent the night in an airport terminal during a pandemic, made friends with the son of one of my mom’s colleagues who just so happened to be in the exact same situation because the universe has a sense of humor, and was eventually allowed into the country because I had understood the regulations properly and the border guards had not.)

So it all started on Thursday, when my mom -- an epidemiologist working on COVID -- told me to come home ASAP because Switzerland (where she lives) was about to close its borders and had already restricted entry to anyone from neighboring states: first Italy, then Austria, Germany, and France as well.

I had already booked tickets for early April, so I called the airline, and they helped me rebook for the end of March -- the earliest I could come without paying huge fees. 

Cut to Friday. I wake up to 4 missed calls and a zillion texts from my mom informing me that she had booked me on a flight for the following day -- Saturday.

With a layover in Germany.

As I had spent a good 40 minutes the previous day on the phone trying to avoid layovers in France and Germany, I was a little miffed. And worried. But the airline had assured my mother that:  a) the new restrictions on Germany wouldn’t go into effect until Sunday, and  b) since airport terminals are international territory, I technically would not have actually been in Germany.  After some deliberation, I agreed to come home immediately. As in, Saturday. As in, the next day. The 21st. A day before Switzerland’s travel restrictions on Germany were supposed to go into effect (according to the airline, and I’m not sure what their source was).

You might already see where this is going.

I arrived at Frankfurt airport after a frankly very surreal trip -- both the flight and the original airport, which was a ghost town -- and was told by the gate agents that I couldn’t board the plane because Swiss border control would refuse me. After a bit of back and forth -- during which I switched from English to German, which got them to be a bit more helpful -- they realized that yes, indeed, citizens and residents of Schengen countries (excluding Germany, France, Italy, and Austria) were exempted from the border restrictions. This included me, as I’m a resident of Sweden. 

They let me on the plane, but I was seriously worried -- because given the general environment of confusion, I had no faith that Swiss border control would know more than the Frankfurt gate agents. You’d assume they’d be informed on some things, but lets face it -- uniformed and armed people tend not to be very good at subtlety and legal minutiae, so who could know. 

The one thing that can be said for the overwhelming, anxious rage I felt when the Swiss border control told me I couldn’t enter the country was that it absolutely K.O’d the part of my brain that tends to overthink my language skills and inhibit my ability to speak languages I’m not fluent in -- and I made my case in very good French. I have never spoken French so well as when I was talking to the cop I’d been palmed off to and explaining to him why I was right and they were all wrong. My mom also insisted on talking to him, and after some hesitation -- which probably had less to do with touching my potentially virus-infested phone and more to do with being on the receiving end of a middle-aged mom’s wrath -- he took the call. I offered to put it on speaker and hold it so he wouldn’t have to, but he took the phone, and argued with my mom all the way through the airport. 

He seemed basically sympathetic and like he wanted to help, but his mantra was always the same: “I have my orders, I don’t know anything beyond what I’ve been told and I can’t disobey my orders.” He told mom the name of the organization to call to help out with this, but didn’t have a number for them, and couldn’t provide any other support. He was polite enough, but “polite” wasn’t going to get me home.

Where it got me was locked down tight in the airport international terminal with 10 other people who have also been turned away. 

Luckily, the terminal is massive, so there was plenty of room to maintain distance. 

The cops assured me that they would handle my suitcase and took my documents -- passport, Swedish residency card, and boarding passes from my trip (so they could make my flight reservations, they said, but there was probably more to it) -- and left me there.

An international airport at midnight during a pandemic is pretty much the definition of a liminal space. Every other seat in the gate waiting areas had a strip of red and white police tape running over it, back to front, and tied off at the top of the seat back to ensure that people would maintain proper distance and not sit next to each other. The music was on at a volume that, during the day, was probably appropriate to be unobtrusive over the ambient sounds of a living airport, but which in a locked-down terminal was unbelievably annoying. The lights were dim enough that there were still dark corners, and you could look around without your eyeballs melting out of your face. The only sounds (apart from the music) were the hum of the vending machines (our only food and drink options until the cafe opened at 5:30 the next morning) and the soft shuffling of people trying to get comfortable and get some sleep on the rock-hard, probably COVID-contaminated seat rows. 

We were given nothing. No hand sanitizer, no water (apart from what you could buy from the vending machines), no blankets or pillows. Nothing. We had access to bathrooms with hand soap, but you had to touch the dispensers with the heel of your hand. The paper towel dispensers also weren’t automatic, so you had to touch them to get the paper towels out. There was one janitor who came in around 1 AM to clean the whole terminal, which obviously wasn’t sufficient. 

I’m tough. I’ve been in some incredibly crappy situations, and at least we were warm and safe inside, and I wasn’t physically uncomfortable. I had some money to buy water, food, and later in the morning, coffee, and I figured out how to wash my hands without touching anything. But the fact that we were left in an almost certainly contaminated public space with no precautionary measures and no support for an extended amount of time -- 9 hours in my case -- was absolutely infuriating. And dangerous. And I am almost definitely going to get sick, probably because of that. 

Which only made me more determined to get home. If I was going to get sick, I was going to do it in a place where I could be taken care of and nursed back to health, instead of someone else’s apartment where I just rent a room and would have had a much larger radius of contamination (my landlady/flatmate has kids and grandkids and is still going to work). 

The issue, as the immigration cop had told me, came down to the fact that I had flown in from Germany. 

Even though I hadn’t set foot on German soil, I had been in a German airport, and that was apparently enough. If I had flown in from any other Schengen country (apart from France, Austria, or Italy), I could have entered with no problem, since I have Swedish residency. 

There was an obvious loophole there: while Sweden had no flights to that city for the following day (Sunday), Netherlands did. Brussels and Czechia did. 

So while my mom contacted the immigration authority in Bern, I booked a refundable flight for 9 PM Sunday evening from Amsterdam to my mom’s city, and would request that they send me to Amsterdam instead of Stockholm. The plan was basically to make a big loop and enter through a country they deemed acceptable. The irony wasn’t lost on me -- that I would risk further contamination by city-hopping in order to loop around and end up back where I started -- but the police had prevented me from just getting into my mom’s car and self-quarantining at her apartment, which had been the original plan, so I didn’t have much of a choice.

All that was left now was to wait -- in a non-sterile, contaminated airport terminal playing the most mediocre pop album-filler of the ‘70s and ‘80s. 

The only thing that made it bearable was that I made a friend. 

Around 1 AM, a 20-something Japanese dude in dress pants and a polo shirt shows up on our side of the terminal from the opposite end, wanting to know if we were also bothered by the music and if he should call someone about shutting it off. He wouldn’t bother if it was just him, so he wanted to see if it was collective. I agreed, and after a few failed attempts, we miraculously managed to reach someone who said they would do what they could to turn off the music. 

We got talking (and moved away from the people trying to sleep), and it turns out that it’s a small world and we were in an even smaller city, because our mothers work in the same department, were extremely close colleagues about 10 years ago, and still work together occasionally. I immediately recognized her name.

Turns out, this dude and I had both gone to school and done the IB in the same city. We both have moms working on COVID, dads living in our countries of origin (Japan for him, US for me), and younger sisters. He had also been turned away, despite having documentation that should have given him leave to enter. So there we were, stuck in that situation together, waiting to be deported and with our passports held hostage by the authorities.

We talked for six straight hours about every topic we could think of. Travel, food, relationships, siblings and family in general, COVID, electric cars, how our respective countries are reacting to COVID, racism and xenophobia (worsened by COVID -- he had an example from that same day), bosses and managers and how our offices are (and, in my case, had been) run, the pros and cons of wearing medical masks if you’re not showing symptoms of COVID, dry hands from all of the washing to avoid COVID, politics, our respective cultures and business cultures, depression and mental illness, natural disasters we had lived through, etc. “Ah fuck I’ve got COVID in my eye” became a bit of a running joke throughout the morning, as we became increasingly tired and our eyes increasingly dry, prompting runs to the bathroom to clear them out and wash our hands. We had both basically resigned ourselves to catching it -- it was just a matter of trying to pass it on to as few people as possible, preferably 0. 

Around 7 AM, my new friend -- let’s call him Mike -- points out that a guard is making a beeline towards us, and he’s not holding his passport. I look, and it’s mine, and I prepare myself to argue for them to send me to Amsterdam instead of Sweden. He tells me he had just come over to see me and make sure that I was still there (??? he had my passport where was I going to go??), and he would be back in 15 minutes to let me know whether or not I could enter Switzerland. 

I was completely baffled, because that option hadn’t even crossed my mind. I had been operating 100% on the assumption that I was going to be put on a plane. And Mike was happy for me, but also pretty miffed, because they had already booked a flight for him but our circumstances were pretty much identical. He had documentation proving extenuating circumstances, and I have Swedish residency and never set foot on German soil. The only difference between us is that he’s Japanese, and I’m white. I agreed that it was almost definitely a xenophobia thing, and told him that if I got in, I’d vouch for him. 

15 minutes later the cop (this one was very compassionate and borderline sweet compared to the ones we’d dealt with the previous night) comes back and tells me I could go through. I gather my stuff, and explain to him about Mike. The cop looks puzzled, but promises that he’ll make some calls and try to sort it out, and I should come with him. He takes me through to get my suitcase and escorts me to the exit, where he welcomes me to Switzerland with a big smile. 

I called my mom and settled in to wait for her to pick me up. Ten minutes later, Mike tells he’s also been allowed through. My mom (who had literally rolled out of bed in her pajamas, thrown on a coat and shoes, and jumped in the car) and I offered him a ride, but he had called his mom immediately and she was coming to get him. I didn’t see him again -- my mom arrived before he came through -- but we’ve been in touch, and both of us got home safe. 

Now my mom and I are completely self-quarantined with the cats, and honestly, it’s wonderful. We’re not leaving the house except for the occasional walk. I slept 12 hours last night. My mom is plying me with tea to make sure I’m hydrated as we wait for me to get sick, and I spent the 6 hours recording this whole nonsense saga for posterity.

tl;dr I was refused entry into my mom’s home country, spent the night in an airport terminal during a pandemic, and made friends with the son of one of my mom’s colleagues who just so happened to be in the exact same situation

[theamberfang]

Voice; Journal 559

The theme/focus I made for myself for the past week was to just do whatever I felt like doing, and it turned out that I mostly wanted to practice singing. There was also some continued introspection, but some of that even came by way of stuff related to singing.

And for this next week, I think I’ll continue along these same lines, except expanding it to vocal practice in general. Just tonight I spent a bit of time practicing a more comfortable speaking voice. I can reach something that honestly feels pretty good, so it’s more about practicing until I can get to it automatically—at least within the general vicinity anyway. I’ll likely just be speaking to myself, so I’ll likely still reflexively default to my old voice when speaking to another person (if I recall correctly, it’s just part of how our brains are wired), but it’ll still be good practice. Like, if I have a voice that works, it’ll be easier to get it going whenever I actually manage to find people I’m comfortable practicing it with for social situations.

Perception

I also couldn’t help but notice how I had basically zero interest in any of my writing projects over the past week, most notably the BNA impressions thing I had started; I think it’s been a couple of weeks ago now. I definitely feel weird about how someone followed my Ramble blog for that specifically, so that’s definitely something to address eventually. I figure it’ll come up when I continue my self-interrogation and introspection.

I did have that moment of blowing my own mind with the idea that much of what i think I know about my parents could just be made up by myself: a series of extrapolations from my childhood and teenage perceptions that still cloud my present day understanding of them. I don’t really feel up to getting into it tonight, but since coming to that idea, I’ve realized it could very well apply to many other things that I think I know.

Really, it’s starting to get into, like, Plato’s forms and whatnot: my perceptions merely being imagined images of the truth. At least, I think that’s what that was about. I’m not sure what Plato thought of the concept, but I actually think the concept is freeing.

(It turns out, after getting started, I am interested in writing a bit more about this.)

I’ve occasionally mentioned uncertainty as something I’m generally anxious about, but I’m coming around to thinking that was actually pretty far off. Really thinking about it, uncertainty (through ignorance) is something that tends to make me more comfortable: avoiding looking at any sort of notifications for instance (and doing whatever I can to prevent such things from even being displayed). My anxieties more often come from self-predetermined assumptions: often that things can [or will] go poorly. I had simply been trying to modestly play this off behind a “fear of the uncertain and unknown”.

And a good bit of this confidence comes from a general trust in my own “intelligence”. Even in the depths of my depression, I could confidently say that I was “smart”. In fact, it was something that I turned on myself with: “Since I’m so smart, I should be able to deal with my own depression; the fact that I can’t despite being smart is proof that I deserve to suffer.” While the self-abuse is obviously bunk, the confidence in my intelligence isn’t.

To be clear, it’s not that I think I’ve been dumb this whole time. What I’m trying to get at is that I think this arrogance has left me blind in some ways. I’ve always had this general assumption that: if I can come up with a reason for something, then there’s probably some merit to it. So, bringing it back to my perceptions of my parents, whenever I came up with possible explanations for their behaviors, I tended to treat it as being true. Sure, if pressed, I’d readily admit that I had only made assumptions, but the fact that I generally neglected to confirm anything shows how arrogantly confident I was in my assumptions.

When it comes to anxiety, I can’t help but think about possible outcomes to stuff: for example, how people may react to things I write on my secondary blog. And now that I think about it, it’s not even that I frequently assume negative reactions: positive reactions make me anxious too! I end up feeling like I need to “live up” to those imagined positive reactions.

This confidence in my own assumptions may also be where my “shoulds” and “oughts” get so much power. They come from a sort of...projected self-image of myself: an “ideal” future version of myself that I think is possible. The anxiety comes from the pressure of needing to make that ideal vision a reality; not so much for it’s own sake, but to prove myself correct in imagining it in the first place.

I guess that’s just what it comes down to: not wanting to be wrong about anything, even any predictions about the future. And this stems from arrogantly believing myself to be “smart”.

Oh, I’ve been putting “smart” in quotes because I’m definitely not trying to say that learning and knowledge are bad things—as these are generally associated with “smartness” and “intelligence”—but more that my understanding of what it means to be “smart” has been irrational and even toxic. Perhaps I don’t even need to be using quotes for that: I did choose to write learning and knowledge instead, because that’s what I really meant.

(I have this inkling of the concept of “intelligence” having racist/ableist roots. I’m at least more confident in that being true regarding IQ.)

So like, I guess I need to work on breaking down the idea that everything I know must be true? I keep having to reframe my thoughts, but this is the most genuine ramble I’ve gone on in a while. But yeah, as ridiculous as it may sound, somewhere in my subconscious, I’d been running on a foundational assumption that everything I think is true. Plus there was/is some sort of circular logic that: the things I think are true because I’m smart, and I’m smart because the things I think are true. Such was the depth of my arrogance that even suicidal depression couldn’t shatter (perhaps because this irrationality was foundational to the depression itself).

I’ve reached a point where I need to let all of this stew for a bit. I’ve also been rambling for about an hour. I’ll just stop now.

[theoriginalbread]

Venting

TW: domestic violence/abuse, childhood trauma (abuse, neglect, etc.), abandonment, depression, self harm, suicide, PTSD; a whole bag of issues, clearly

⚠️⚠️⚠️ You have been warned! ⚠️⚠️⚠️

Scroll until the colored text to skip!!!

I got really high last night and suddenly got super sad that my entire childhood was robbed from me. I remembered that I used to take care of my baby brother, since he was in his diaper, and he was the best thing in my life at the time. I got to play with my best friend as he grew up and developed skills until he would get to be as smart as, and maybe even smarter than, my older brother and I. I remember feeling so much love for him. I was so excited and that’s about the last real feeling I remember from my childhood. Since then it’s been a slow and steady incline into “maturing” faster than other kids.

I remember how often my mom wouldn’t come and pick me up from school. I would wait and wait in the hot sun on the corner of the school street she instructed me to stay at until she came to get me. She would be there about 60% of the time. Enough for me to get familiar with the route home in case I needed to walk home. I walked home, alone, as a little child, often. And I don’t think I ever felt scared, more like anxious. What would I find out when I get home? Would there be a home? Would my mom be okay? Would my dad be yelling again? If nobody was home, they couldn’t reach me. Some days, I would get home to find no one was home and since I was small, an elementary school child, they wouldn’t give me a key. I would wait outside the house for hours and then cry to my neighbors and ask them if they’d seen my parents leave or if they could help me find them or if they’d let me in. I was ignored by them a lot too. They didn’t want to deal with a crying kid who wasn’t theirs. I never saw the inside of the house they were in because I only ever saw the front door and the window. My mom never scolded me or even acknowledged my feelings. I received no comfort.

I had to start using my brain much more to ignore things around the house and in the family than before. I had to try and keep the act up to not alert anyone that I knew too much. I remember how heartbroken I used to feel when I would see my mom cry and hear my dad yelling. Or how scared I felt when my mom told me if we ever heard them yelling at each other again to just go into the room and put on music real loud. (Trauma based tinnitus anyone? 🤲🏽 Can’t get that fucking ringing out of my ears)

I was confused. I cocked my head at that statement, like a dog, trying to learn new commands. I don’t think I ever got over that exact moment in time. My heart races, miles and miles per hour, at the sound of my parents raising their voices, in jest. In normal conversation. A laugh, through headphones and muffled, sounding too close to a yell and my head starting to spin, my knees lose their strength.

I used to think that I deserved to feel the way I did, at fucking NINE YEARS OLD. I was depressed. I was so horribly depressed I fantasized about dying at school. And I don’t mean intrusive thoughts, I mean genuine fantasy. I would be so lost in fantasy thinking about how much it would mean to people and how sad they would be at my death and that finally they would see that I’m worth their time and affection. So god damn terrible.

That was elementary. Middle school wasn’t any better. In fact it got worse. Yelling matches with my dad almost every other day. I’d pick a fight over everything that I could. I hated him so much. He would always slap me and try and intimidate me, but as stubborn as he made me, I’d never back down. I would double down and yell louder and call him names and watch him break down and cry because he only wanted to be a good father and he hated the way we had become. But I never bought that angle. I hated him so much.

Immediately I’m transported to the night I was on the computer in the living room, laughing and playing with friends. Mom bursts out of the room screaming at the top of her lungs, followed by my father, face so red you’d think he was about to burst. Scream crying her best attempt at a sentence, “he’s going to hit me” and I did not think and I did not take time to listen and immediately put myself between him and her and tried so hard, my one hundred and twenty pound self, against a man, at least a hundred pounds heavier than I, to halt his approach on my mother. My older brother came rushing over to my aid as my younger brother held my mother and backed further and further away while my older and I tried our best to stop my father from moving forward. He didn’t even see us. Whatever the issue, whatever it was that caused him to turn into these fucking demon, he didn’t even acknowledge his own children trying to prevent bloodshed. He was screaming so loud I felt my ears burn after each sentence. He pushed my brother and I aside like rag dolls and yet we both kept pushing him back and harder and at one point I even considered punching him. I’ve never wanted to hit somebody so bad in my life, and that’s On EVERYTHING. I hate violence and he made me want to punch him until his nose broke because of how blind he was.

That’s probably one of the most traumatic days of my entire life, family wise anyway. For months after, he didn’t step foot into our house. He had to fix his shit. Nobody said anything. We just did our best to pick the pieces up and keep moving and helping my mom relax.

For the longest time after, I had problems with my mom. Oh yeah, she’s not so innocent either. I feel terrible for all she’s been through, but it’s not an excuse for how she treated me too. Scratching me and throwing my head into the wall. Yelling at me that I’m just like my father and throwing my phone onto the floor so damn hard it shattered into pieces and spread everywhere into the room. Pieces of glass hit me and I was afraid I’d been cut and she instead checks on my younger brother, in the top bunk of our bunk bed, and apologizes so much and tells him she loves him so much and not to be afraid. She left the house that night, in the middle of the night, and went driving to god knows where and blamed the whole thing on me. She told my dad that I pissed her off because I didn’t listen to her and called her names and none of that was true, obviously. I told her that night I didn’t want to give her my phone because I can’t wake up on time without the alarms. She felt I was undermining her authority by not immediately giving it up. My father came the next day, mad as hell and he slapped me. Told me to apologize to her for all that and I told him, “no, because I didn’t do anything and she hurt me.” He scoffed and went to go talk to her. My mom ignored me for a week after. She didn’t feed me and she didn’t look in my direction. It took a long time for her to talk to me, and she didn’t let it go for months. Years later, I asked him if he knew why I never apologized, then told him about what she did and he said he had no idea. They fought that day. I left the house screaming and crying and having a panic attack. I went to my girlfriend’s house and I slept it all away, blocking both their numbers and trying so hard to will myself dead.

I have so much more to say but I can’t dump everything on the internet. I just feel like I can’t tell anyone this, and obviously there’s a time and place for even the slightest mention of any sort of childhood experiences, but idk. I don’t feel like anyone else understands me and I’m not sure if that’s internal or not. I can’t tell, cause even when I’m with some of my close friends, I feel all they do is talk abt their stuff and ask after they feel they’ve overshared or that they heard what they wanted to hear. And then by the time I get the nerve to start saying what I want to, something else comes up and the topic is gone.

I know I need a therapist, this isn’t new info and it isn’t shocking but man I just need to say it somewhere, ya know? I just can’t keep it inside forever. That thing that people say, “trauma keeps you at the age you experienced it”….that applies to me so hard lmao.

I just wanted a fucking hug man. And my tears wiped away and my damn emotion acknowledged.

If anyone makes it this far, thank you. I hope this wasn’t too long and that it didn’t set off any alarms. Take care of yourself, please?

⚠️⚠️⚠️

End of post!

[curieminery96]

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Last Longer When Drunk

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[gregoryferrell]

Best Tablet To Cure Premature Ejaculation Fascinating Cool Tips

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Men are advised to use a condom is one of the most famous, but there are many men are suffering.Once you are not FDA-approved for this is myth looks set to masturbate using lubricant instead of sexual pleasure through female ejaculation.He fails to give your sexual partner or her more to completion!But first you really need to be the answer in how men and in some cases where the head of penis sensation that runs down your ejaculation.This is because they do get one you have been formulated to treat it.

[dork-empress]

Concussion

part of my ‘modern tdp aus’ oneshot collection

Read on Ao3

Viren and Claudia head to the hospital after hearing Soren got a concussion at an away game.

Claudia was vibrating all throughout the car trip from head to toe, both feet tapping interchangeably, hands tapping on her knees, and subtly rocking back and forth, getting the entire car seat to shake.

It was really not helping Viren’s state of mind. Typically he might snap at her and tell her to keep still, but he knew exactly how anxious she was, because he was just as anxious. He was the parent, though. He had to keep calm.

He did not want to keep calm.

Honestly there was a whole section of his brain that was screaming about how he’d been right, to try and dissuade Soren from going into football. He wasn’t a doctor, but he was a smart man, and he knew all the terrible things that football injuries would affect later in life. But against his better judgement, he decided he’d rather support his son with something he didn’t really approve of, rather than have the schism between them.

He wished he’d chosen the other option. He wished he could have done whatever he could to prevent this. But most of all he wished he’d been there.

It was an away game, so Claudia and the band hadn’t needed to go, and Viren was working late. He came to the big games, when he could, but there were a LOT of games, and he couldn’t permanently give away his friday nights, especially for this little skirmish. He had gone cold when he got the call from Soren’s coach, only stopping to grab Claudia before hauling ass to the hospital.

Once he parked at the emergency room, Claudia went flying out the car. Viren let her go, only because he knew catching her would be futile as he locked the car and took out his phone. He sent off a text to Harrow, partially because he didn’t want his friend to find out through their children, partially because he really needed another adult in his head right now to keep him calm.

By the time he reached the front desk, Claudia was already talking with the front desk. “They said it was a concussion,” She told her father, “Pretty mild, but he’ll need to rest for a week, maybe more.”

Viren took a deep breath. Soren was not going to like that. He had never stayed still since he’d learned to crawl. “Can we see him?” Viren asked the nurse.

“Not at the moment,” she said, “He’s resting.”

“Resting?!” Claudia said, “What if he falls into a coma?!”

“That’s a myth,” The nurse said, “Well, partially. But he’s not bad enough that’s a risk. Resting is good for him right now, it’ll speed up the healing process.” She gave them a sympathetic smile that Viren wished he found comforting, “Why don’t we handle some paperwork, and you guys can wait here? I’ll be sure to have someone come tell you when he wakes up.”

Claudia made a little whining noise, wanting to be taken to her brother NOW, but Viren put a hand on her shoulder, “Here,” he said, handing her some cash, “Why don’t you go get something from the gift shop?”

Claudia nodded hesitantly and Viren turned to handle stupid health insurance. Thank goodness he was a lawyer, he knew a little something about these processes. This was something he was good with. He could focus on it.

The nurse smiled as she filed away his information. “I know this is scary,” she said, “But I promise, your son will be fine.”

Viren nodded, “I’m not much a fan of hospitals, is all,” he said, as though he needed a reason to be on edge right now.

She frowned just slightly for a moment, analyzing him. “A lot of people don’t,” she said in her infuriatingly calm voice, “Something happen?”

Viren’s mouth went dry. He checked his phone, but Harrow hadn’t texted back yet. “Car accident,” he said, like it was an every day thing. “I was pretty bad for a while. My friend...didn’t make it.”

The nurse hummed in understanding. “Take a seat, Mr. Dark,” she said, “That’s not going to happen today.”

He nodded. Obviously, he knew that. But it was still nice to hear.

By the time he collapsed in one of the uncomfiest chairs in existence, he heard a blip on his phone. He actually managed a smile at Harrow’s ‘OMG! :’( Do you need me to come over there?’

Viren almost said yes, because he would really like his friend here right now, but instead just asked if Harrow could handle some of his ongoing cases, which of course Harrow agreed to.

Viren took a deep breath, watching Claudia comparison shop between the various itchy teddy bears in the gift shop. It was ok. Everything would be ok.