#and now that im older and i can engage my prefrontal cortex

[sigynsilica]

My experiences with Christianity, and the reason I'm not a Christian, have nothing at all whatsoever to do with the way Christianity was pitched to me. If it was, I wouldn't have believed it for the first sixteen years of my life.

It's because I've never ever felt a connection to the Christian God. He's never come when I called to him. He's never answered my prayers. I've never felt that he cares for me or that he looks out for all the little children, especially when I was, myself, a child. It's just always been too hard of a pill to swallow. God certainly doesn't believe in me, so why would I believe in him?

So don't tell me all the Christians who did me wrong weren't real Christians. They were. Actions incompatible to Christian beliefs do not mean you're not a Christian. One of y'all's big things is that literally everyone doesn't live up to the greater expectation. They all "fall short of the glory of God". They were real Christians. You just haven't grasped that becoming a Christian does not inherently make you a good person. There are crappy people in every faith.

I wouldn't be a Christian if my family and friends had made Christianity more appealing or more accurate to the texts of the Bible, or less so. I'm not a Christian because The Core Belief of Christianity is to spread your faith to everyone you encounter, and I believe that's very problematic and has been used to excuse some of the most horrific acts in history.

"But those were men! Tomas de Torquemada was a man!"

Yes. And they were acting on a basic tenant of Christianity, as men, to hurt people. Torquemada was a real Christian. He was a really awful guy, but he was also a Christian. Erasing these people from your history as "not really Christians" won't change the history itself. Which is that, one of the most basic core principles of Christianity is exclusive to the respect of your fellow man and their beliefs. You cannot go into an interaction with the intent that the other person will have beliefs like you by the end of the interaction while still respecting what they already do believe.

And that is why I'm not a Christian.

[bungore]

TW, REAL CSA/ABUSE MENTION

I need to admit, this page is like a half vent page. You see, all my kinks I've talked about here are traumagenic

I got a mommy kink because my mom died when I was 7/8. I got a big sister kink because I WAS the big sister of a brown household growing up, and always wished I was the younger instead. I have a fwb kink because being autistic and bi I had a difficult time understanding and navigating female friendships growing up. I love older women because they give me the female role models i never had.

Im into noncon and abuse stuff because I was abused and was sexually assaulted by a male family member of my own age. Im bi, but gravitate towards women mainly because my csa made me fearful of men

People are always like "ooh mental health matters!! Support trauma survivors!!" Until a traumatized person has sexual fantasies that resulted from it.

And look, I don't want you to pity me for it. Unless I ask to be pitied. I don't want you to feel guilty when you interact with or engage in rp with me over it. To me, personally you're not making me "relive trauma", even tho it does help processing some inbuilt issues I'd have. Tho my kinks have a dark origin, my engagement in it when I'm in the right state of mind is just good ol light hearted sexual fun.

"well it's not a good coping mechanism-" it's much more than a coping mechanism for me. To me, it has become engrained into my sexual identity. Sorry, but childhood trauma isn't just some parasite that infests your brain, for many of us it permanently rewires our brains. And sexual kinks and fetishes cannot be reversed or fixed, unless it's dangerous paraphilias

So yes, I'm a little girl because I never got to be one. Thankfully, I'm a grown woman with a prefrontal cortex of a adult, so I can engage in my little side in the ways I desire. I am free for hot older women to be manipulated by because I now have the power that I didn't have as a kid and I'm gonna reclaim what was snatched from me