#and now it’s in a very ugly transitional phase that I hate

[sesamestreep]

going through a truly miserable ugly phase with my body at the moment and I know it will be over someday but good lord…

[castlebyersafterdark]

I don’t think people think noah is unattractive like he wouldn’t have one of the highest follower counts for his socials out of the cast of kids if he wasn’t deemed to be “cute” by a huge swath of his young fandom seeing as how criminally underused will has been in most seasons and seeing as how he doesn’t really have any big acting projects outside of ST besides.. social media videos?? like let’s not pretend that noah didn’t have legions of fan girls who wanted to date or marry him before he came out and men weren’t all up in his dms like mad when he did lol. Haters on social media don’t really count because imo a lot of the same ones who say he’s ugly proudly are only doing it to be nasty and don’t actually believe it cause they are butthurt fangirls who are deeply mad that noah ~betrayed him (which hurts them even more cause he’s not ugly not at all and they know that but they are performing to fit in with their online friends) and like ofc the homophobes, crazy millie stan’s who’ve always hated him, and antisemites now in the mix. It’s all very “sure Jan” when certain people try their hardest to act like he’s not handsome when he was always a cute kid and he’s only grown up into a very handsome young man.

I think most normal people with eyes knows he’s hot af. Even Finn did way back when in the autocomplete interview. “Is Noah Schnapp perfect?” “I mean look at him!” (and this was during his slightly awakward tween to teen transition phase) like… case closed lol

☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️ Right on !!

[authoralexharvey]

🍀 - What thoughts or emotions that didn’t make sense to your past self make sense now that you know you’re queer? & 🧡 - How has the way you presented yourself (ex. Clothing, hairstyle, etc.) changed since you realized you were queer? pls!!

Hey Andi!! These are great questions ^^

🍀- What thoughts or emotions that didn't make sense to your past self make sense now that you know you're queer?

Sooo I'm kinda conflicted how to answer this one. I was heavily sheltered as a child. Like, I had homeschooling centers I went to, but in a group of like. Ten kids max there's not a whole lot you talk about that isn't video games. It's not until I went to public school in seventh grade that I even knew what being gay was or that it was an option. And it's not even like I was I'm a homophobic environment, either. I just had such little interaction with other kids, especially of my AG, that I didn't have a chance to feel those feelings, let alone explore them.

Anyway. Middle school. I pretty much realized I had Queer Emotions (at least in terms of sexuality) at the same time that I was in an environment where people could help me understand that.

Gender was a little,,, weirder.

I was always considered a tomboy, to be honest. All my friends were men and we all played video games or make believe in the yard. My barbie phase lasted like... 6 months and typically involved brutal scenarios and storytelling when I had it. Aside from my presentation, I was never ever "stereotypically feminine". And like. I didn't have much of a need to question things as a child. Once I hit puberty, it got weirder. I'm not binary transgender, but it's like the moment puberty hit my body no longer made sense to me. For the longest time, I attributed it to it being puberty and NO ONE being happy to be in that phase of life etc.

It's not until like. My junior year of high school that I knew what being trans was? Let alone being nonbinary. But once I learned about those concepts it was a pretty neat transition of "oh okay that makes sense. That's what I am"... just been a matter of OTHET people accepting this about me.

On the whole, though, like I said I was ignorant for a lot of my life and tended to have realizations and understanding at almost the exact same time. I'd say I had more "Ah that makes sense" moments about my neurodivergency, if I'm being completely honest.

🧡 how has the way you've presented yourself changed since you realized you were queer?

A couple of different ways. I HATED skirts and dresses as a teen, and as an older kid I think. I really had a very lengthy and awkward ugly duckling phase and was dealing with a lot of dysphoria and dysmorphia (thanks, eating disorder)... I still don't like skirts or dresses, tbh, but take the approach of "my aim is to be hot however that feels on a given day" now that I like. Feel better about myself. I also wore a lot of baggy clothes as a kid and whatnot and wear less of that now that I feel less of a need to "hide" myself, I think. Also also, I lean way more masculine now that I'm in environments where I can do that. My default outfit is a t-shirt and jeans with a MTV button up shirt I have (that is too tight to button up BUT looks great open)... I'm actually wearing that tomorrow for pride.

I don't know I think in general I avoided things as a kid for discomfort reasons and now that I'm no longer so uncomfortable, I feel better about dressing more fem or whatever. That said, 85% I'm going for as neutral or masculine as possible.

[zoology]

Nerdy Q, my apologies, but I was looking at your bio and you mentioned being partial to animal rights, but wouldn't that be animal welfarism since you're an aspiring zookeeper? I know it's pedantic but I'm from the agriculture end of the animal science spectrum and animal rights activism tends to align with less scientific perspective on animal care such as political veganism and animal liberation (ie PETA, HSUS), oftentimes many are anti-captivity or less extremely anti-zoos. Animal welfarism tends to align on the scientific ends of animal furthering better animal care and good human/animal interactions instead of eliminating them, like most quality zoological facilities and animal rescues. I was just curious which end of the spectrum you fall more on, because of course, as someone who is very much an animal welfarist (I don't think I could be working with meat and be an ARA lol) I didn't want to be a follower and accidentally be in conflict.

hi anon sorry i didn't get to this sooner i fucking forgor. i appreciate the question, it's an interesting one, but i would like to preface my response with the reminder that i am not a philosopher but instead a 19 year old who is not very bright. onto my answer:

i do not consider myself strictly an animal rights activist or an animal welfare activist. i do not fully align with either ideology. obviously i am pro-captivity, i eat meat, i own pets, and i hate pleather, but i also oppose factory farming, any & all trophy/sport hunting, most forms of pest control, anthropocentrism, and believe that nonhuman animals are our equals, no ifs, ands, or buts. maybe some of this seems contradictory, and maybe it is, but you'll have to be patient as i continue to develop as a person over the years.

no, i am not fond of PETA. coming as someone who has dedicated my life to understanding animal behavior and improving the quality of life for all animals, my eyes roll into the back of my skull any time i decide to punish myself with one of their articles. many of their stances on pet ownership especially are unscientific and myopic, complaining about pet overpopulation while at the same time proposing no real solution. paying poor workers to skin tanukis alive and passing off the footage as "what really goes on behind the scenes" is unfathomably evil and PETA should have shut down right then and there. i will say, though, i hear a lot of people bash them for how many animals are put down in their shelters each year, but this is the unfortunate and ugly reality of how an open-admission shelter has to spread their resources to manage the overpopulation crisis. it's heartbreaking but not the shelter employees' fault.

most of my beliefs are guided through a perspective of deep ecology. i am not morally opposed to eating meat because humans are omnivorous animals who can live in balance with our prey. the problem is we aren't right now. i believe that factory farming is inhumane and something drastic needs to be done to phase out this cruel and wasteful process, but i'm not smart of politically savvy enough to know what. transitioning to food sources that take up less space and resources to farm, meat or otherwise, needs to happen on a global scale and it needs to happen fast. i have ARFID and i will admit that i am a hypocrite when it comes to this, as i have not yet shifted my diet to one that does not rely on commercial fishing. i'm trying hard to get there with my huel meal replacements, but it's been hard ^^"

with farming, i'm still working out where i stand between two viewpoints that are contradictory in some ways. i believe that we have the same right to exist as any animal on this planet, so fair chase is the most ethical way to hunt for food. the problem is there are eight billion of us and some of us are asthmatic slug-people sitting around on tumblr nursing a chronic backache .... just an example .... and right now in 2024 with prey populations increasingly affected by disease caused by overpopulation when we exterminate their other predators, it's just not really feasible for everyone to go out and grab a gun and start hunting their food. so if we must farm meat, i think the best compromise is that we can at least give the animals as fulfilling of a life and as painless of a death as possible. this isn't happening in dirty, cramped factory farms that offer zero enrichment or stimulation to the animals, what a miserable and unfair life. if we understand it's cruel to deprive our pets of enrichment and the ability to safely express their natural behaviors, isn't it the exact same for the animals we eat?

i respect the people who do go out and hunt their own food, but MAN, some of you are fucking stupid. i'm sorry but if you're opposed to red wolf reintroduction you are setting yourself and your entire community up for failure. i hate trophy hunters with a passion, why are you fucking surprised that CWD is reaching a crisis point when you're shooting your prized bucks and killing their other natural predators who keep the herd populations at a manageable level and force them to move (preventing overgrazing) and break down prions in their stomachs? dumbass. eat a deer, i don't care, but please actually learn about ecology and stop perpetuating the problem by purposefully making weak, overpopulated, and stagnant herds. big game hunters should be killed idc. you feel like a big man for killing an endangered keystone species in a country so exploited by imperialism that they have no choice but to invite you over to kill their animals to put that money back into conserving the remaining animals? you actually think a tourist-dependent economy is a good economy for the people living in the countries you visit? Begone vile beast!

one of my strongest views that i find a lot of people are put off by is that i 100% believe that there should be a national ban on pet breeding for several years (dogs, cats, small mammals, reptiles, etc ... fish breeding can stay under stricter regulations -- outside of mill-bred bettas i am not aware of a significant aquarium fish overpopulation problem), kennel clubs should be dissolved, and line-breeding should be made illegal. spay & neuter should be mandatory for all species who tolerate the procedure well and the only purposeful breeding of new pets by humans should be in accredited service animal facilities. we need to get the tens of millions of feral cats and dogs off the streets and into homes, we need to stop producing thousands of reptiles who will never go to proper homes, we need to stop the crisis of bunnies and guinea pigs being dumped on the streets, and so on. get a shelter animal or fucking wait. this is a problem much bigger than your breed preference.

... i'm kind of losing focus and i am very hungry. i am going to go make noodles. sorry if this answer is all over the place i am having a strange brain day. gootbye

[fantastic-nonsense]

thinking about Martin Luther King Jr.'s "Letter from a Birmingham Jail" today for absolutely no reason at all:

I must make two honest confessions to you, my Christian and Jewish brothers.

First, I must confess that over the past few years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate. I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro's great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen's Counciler or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate, who is more devoted to "order" than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says: "I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot agree with your methods of direct action"; who paternalistically believes he can set the timetable for another man's freedom; who lives by a mythical concept of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait for a "more convenient season." Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection.

I had hoped that the white moderate would understand that law and order exist for the purpose of establishing justice and that when they fail in this purpose they become the dangerously structured dams that block the flow of social progress. I had hoped that the white moderate would understand that the present tension in the South is a necessary phase of the transition from an obnoxious negative peace, in which the Negro passively accepted his unjust plight, to a substantive and positive peace, in which all men will respect the dignity and worth of human personality.

Actually, we who engage in nonviolent direct action are not the creators of tension. We merely bring to the surface the hidden tension that is already alive. We bring it out in the open, where it can be seen and dealt with. Like a boil that can never be cured so long as it is covered up but must be opened with all its ugliness to the natural medicines of air and light, injustice must be exposed, with all the tension its exposure creates, to the light of human conscience and the air of national opinion before it can be cured.

.........I had also hoped that the white moderate would reject the myth concerning time in relation to the struggle for freedom. I have just received a letter from a white brother in Texas. He writes: "All Christians know that the colored people will receive equal rights eventually, but it is possible that you are in too great a religious hurry. It has taken Christianity almost two thousand years to accomplish what it has. The teachings of Christ take time to come to earth."

Such an attitude stems from a tragic misconception of time, from the strangely irrational notion that there is something in the very flow of time that will inevitably cure all ills. Actually, time itself is neutral; it can be used either destructively or constructively. More and more I feel that the people of ill will have used time much more effectively than have the people of good will. We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people but for the appalling silence of the good people.

Human progress never rolls in on wheels of inevitability; it comes through the tireless efforts of men willing to be co workers with God, and without this hard work, time itself becomes an ally of the forces of social stagnation. We must use time creatively, in the knowledge that the time is always ripe to do right. Now is the time to make real the promise of democracy and transform our pending national elegy into a creative psalm of brotherhood. Now is the time to lift our national policy from the quicksand of racial injustice to the solid rock of human dignity.

[void-machine-broke]

Trans rant

I understand that gender is fluid and hard to comprehend especially for neurodivergent people but I just wish it was easier for me. I’ve know I wasn’t cis since I was 12 and i’m 21 now and I still can’t figure out what I am. I identified as a transman for a very long time and had excruciating gender dysphoria but then I dated this toxic guy that convinced me I wasn’t trans and I went back to being a cis girl for him, literally forgetting that I was trans for like two years even long after we had broken up. Now I’m free and its like he somehow filled me with doubtful and transphobic thoughts. I can’t tell if I’m actually a transman or not

I feel like I can’t be a trans man or that I will never get to where I want to be because im really short, and I like dressing feminine and being feminine and I go to an all girls college. And like I only relate to male characters and love being called male pronouns but sometimes when im actually referred to as male its a little uncomfy. I still have dysphoria but not really to the extent that I did in highschool. I still think about transitioning but not to the extent I did in highschool. Sometimes I love my body and think im hot shit and sometimes im crying in the fetal position because I hate the feeling of my own skin. And all those masculizing filters on tiktok and shit that make most transmascs euphoric just make me look ugly. And I hate the idea of T making my acne worse and making my hair fall out, but at the same time my dysphoria is slowly getting worse and worse.

But like what if I transition and suddenly I have another phase where I want to be a girl? What if I transition and I regret it? How do I know this is the right thing for me? The worst thing that could ever happen to me is not being born amab but even if I was, id probably still be nonbinary or a femboy or something. And ftm transitioning sucks because you’ll never ever ever fully pass because of chest scars and the inability to make a functional penis. Sometimes I feel like transwomen have it easier because they can have a functional vagina and more and more transwomen are having successful uterine implants and having their own children. I want to be mlm but I know that men will never fully see me as a man, especially since I still like fem stuff. I feel like staying as a woman would just be easier, and wlw is sweeter and more accepting (normally).

[seungmvnnie]

Slytherin! Reader x Slytherin!Donghyuck

word count; 1.7k word

warnings; suggestive kissing, female reader, bullet point au, friends to lovers, not very good but i’m sorry i tried :( friends to lovers is not my forte but give me enemies to lovers anYDAY

Donghyuck had been one of your best friends since first year

He had sat next to you during your first banquet after you were sorted into Slytherin and from sheer, ‘we’re both new, help,’ panic, you ended up talking to each other, with no one else to talk to

you were both very chatty, you had discovered, and you were glad you had found the one person in Slytherin who seemed to have the same energy as you

you thought maybe your conversations with him had been a one off experience 

but the next day you had discovered he had stood at the bottom of the stairs of the girls dormitory waiting to walk to breakfast with you

he was incredibly nice to you at first, but began showing his true colors 3 weeks into the year, and sometimes you wished he didn’t because lord knows that boy was annoying

he loved annoying you to no end

you would have never guessed that the boy you sat next to on the first day would turn out to be such a little shit

It was kind of you and Donghyuck against the world until your third year when he made friends with his roommate Jaemin, and then Chenle, Jisung, Mark, Renjun and Jeno

You didn’t really know them very well, but because of your friendship with Donghyuck you would hang out with them from time to time

the only one you were really friendly with was Jaemin and that was because you were both on the Slytherin quidditch team

you didn’t really start to see Donghyuck as anything more than an annoying brother until your final year at Hogwarts

you hadn’t seen him all summer so when he entered the compartment you and Jaemin had found together with the rest of his friend group, he seemed different 

or more you seemed to feel differently about him

he looked different - he had always worn his hair in what you eloquently described as, ‘a lego hair look’ but now his hair was parted and styled perfectly

on top on that he seemed to have dressed differently - his previous jumpers and jeans had been swapped for a t-shirt, jeans and leather jacket

furthermore he appeared more mature, and while previously, you had to admit he was good-looking, this was different

it was like he had grown up over summer

you were a little bit,,, taken aback to say the least

by taken aback I mean Jaemin had to push your mouth closed and mumble, “Stop eye-fucking him perv.”

Despite this new attractive maturity you saw in him, you had quickly realized he was pretty much the same personality wise

considering the fact the first thing he did was poke you in the side, causing you to cry out and squirm away from him

but the way he laughed and let his hand linger on your waist was no longer a simple token of friendship that you would shrug off in joke annoyance after he tickled you or poked you

now it sent jolts of electricity throughout your body

which caused you to jumped out of his grip causing him and his friends to stop and look at you concerned

“Sorry, I have a bruise there,” you had covered up, rubbing your side to mimic pain

“Oh, sorry.” Donghyuck had apologized, before returning back to his conversation with Chenle

You had thought you had gotten away with it until you made eye contact with Jaemin, who had the ghost of a smile on his face as he glanced between you and Donghyuck

stupid ass jaemin and his sixth sense

You watched him on the train ride to school, hating the way your stomach flipped when he smiled or looked at you

and so you came to the conclusion

you fancied your best friend

that shouldn’t be allowed

it felt as if you were breaking the law or something

so much so, that for the entirety of the first day you did not make eye contact with him

you lay in bed that night, thinking about the situation you found yourself in

it was just a phase

it was only a phase brought on by his new look and outfit and tomorrow, he would be standing by the staircase of the girls dorm in his uniform waiting to walk with you to breakfast and the stupid butterflies that wouldn’t leave you alone would dissipate when you saw his stupid and ugly face

the next morning, you were running late

which meant you had precariously balanced your bag on your shoulder and your books were clutched in your arms as you ran downstairs, scrambling to cram them into your bag, when you missed and dropped your bag, the loud thud echoing through the stairwell

today was not your day

you had just bent down to pick up the book, when there was a loud wailing sound and the steps melted into a smooth, stone slide, causing you to slide down to the bottom, clashing into another body that lay crumpled at the end of the stairs

upon closer inspection, the body who’s limbs had entangled with yours was Donghyuck

you shot away from him

“What the hell were you doing!” you had cried out

he groaned as he sat up, stretching out

“I heard a noise so I wanted to check if you were okay.” he explained

the butterflies in your stomach ached, but you couldn’t show that, of course

“The stairs turn into a slide if a boy tries to go up it, dumbass.”

“Funnily enough, I noticed.” He looked at you and stood up, offering his hand to you

“I was just worried about you. I care about you.”

oh

you thought that your newfound feelings were entirely because of his new look, but looking at him now, you felt as if maybe you had always felt this for him but hadn’t realized it

“You’re my best friend, you know.”

And there it was, the barrier that would forever be between you and Donghyuck

your friendship

you were just best friends, he saw you like how he saw the boys, nothing more, nothing less

but you couldn’t deny the way your heart ached for him now, a feeling that you had never experienced before

and it was a feeling you decided you weren’t allowed to experience anymore

and so, you spent months, attempting to distance yourself from him as much as possible

never anything huge, you didn’t want to cause a fight and have the reason for your distance to come out

by march, you had successfully managed to pretty much stop talking to him, although you hadn’t manage to avoid the residual tension which remained between you two as ex-best friends, particularly in the classes you sat beside each other in

it wasn’t until the last quidditch match of the year, that the situation came to a climax

As the team captain in his last year, Jeno was itching to win the quidditch cup for Gryffindor

the Slytherin team had been defeated by Hufflepuff a few months earlier which had completely knocked you out of the running for the cup, (much to yours and Jaemin’s annoyance) so you were rooting for Gryffindor to win

the Hufflepuff team captain was ruthless, and if you had to be honest, had crazy sexual tension with Jeno but anyways

miraculously, Jeno pulled through last minute and caught the snitch

in true Gryffindor fashion, they had to throw the craziest party of the year, with crazy amounts of fire whiskey and dancing, and due to your association with Jeno, you, Jaemin and Hyuck were invited

You were a little tipsy, but Hyuck had been steadily drinking the second the party had started

which is how he gained the courage to march up to you and demand answers

“Why aren’t we friends anymore?” he questioned, his words clear enough but slurring every now and then. he had to shout to be heard over the pulsating music

“I- I don’t know. I guess we grew apart?”

“Yes you do! You’ve been blowing me off since September and I want to know why! I ask Jaemin about it and he said you had a reason, but it was stupid so we didn’t just, ‘grow apart,’” he ranted, and your eyes softened as you could see how upset he was getting

“It’s because I’m in love with you, Hyuck.” You revealed, the alcohol loosening your tongue, speaking as quietly as the music allowed you to

“Okay, and? I’ve been in love with you since first year, give me a better reason.”

you nearly choked on you drink as you stared at him with wide eyes

“Hyuck.”

“What?”

“Kiss me.”

He didn’t have to be told twice, dropping the plastic cup he clutched onto the table next to him, he grabbed your waist, pulling your body towards him and crushed his lips to yours

you wrapped your arms around his neck, kissing back as enthusiastically, only breaking apart as the room filled with wolf whistles and cheering

“ABOUT TIME.” Jaemin shouted from across the room

“OH GO SCREW A SNITCH, FUCKER.” you shouted back, arms still firmly wrapped around Donghyuck’s neck as he hid your head in your shoulder

the transition from friends to relationship was a difficult one for you two

mostly the transitioning how you acted around each other

you could go on dates and make out, but the biggest issue was getting used to not going,

“shut up, ugly.” or, “fuck off, dicko.”

in fact, neither of you realized that’s an inappropriate way to be in a relationship with someone until Chenle said,

“I thought you two were dating?”

you tried the whole, ‘speaking kindly,’ to each other for a while, but you realize that just isn’t you

you both know you’re in love with in each other so if you want to affectionately call Donghyuck a wanker, you could

Donghyuck was almost inappropriate with the insane amount of PDA

the only reason people realized that you had transitioned from best friends to relationship was the fact that he would kiss you anywhere, anytime

he tried to go for in once in your transfiguration class, but he soon regretted it 

you both spent most of your time in the Slytherin common room, despite the stereotypical, ‘uncosy,’ décor 

nothing was better than wearing Hyuck’s t-shirt and a pair of pajama shorts and cuddling on the couch in the common room

overall you both still bicker with each other all the time and while you love that about your relationship, your favorite moments were those stolen sweet moments in front of the fire in the common room, curled up into Hyuck’s side and having him mumble, ‘I love you,’ in your ear.

[hermajestykaje]

Prologue

Julie Ann Sarif sat in the chilly examination room, one bare foot dangled above the freezing tiles, the other sat flat on the pullout stand. She wore one of the ugly paper dresses but she felt naked. Dr. Morgan had excused himself to take a call, but before she left, she had told Julie Ann that her blood pressure was high and had kindly asked why. This was why Julie Ann felt naked; always a private person, sixty seconds with a cuff around her upper arm had revealed that Julie Ann had had one hell of a year!

As she watched her dangling foot bounce, she realized she did not have to say anything at all. Dr. Morgan was her doctor, not her therapist or her friend, but Julie Ann was so desperate to unload everything on somebody anybody. Maybe that was why when the doctor returned a simple, “Now where were we?” Turned into an hour in that room that stank of disinfectants, with tears running down her face and the other woman hugging her awkwardly.

When Julie Ann left, she felt a lot better, but that did not stop Dr. Morgan from giving her a prescription for a half-dose of blood pressure medicine. Julie Ann was fifty-one years old and had never had blood pressure issues; then again, she had had one hell of a year!

Christmas was the prologue to the Hell Year.

“Nah, this doesn’t feel right.” Julie Ann had said to her husband Ahsan that morning.

“What?” He asked, she covered his mouth with her hand when she saw his lips begin to form the words you worry too much. He was right, Julie Ann always worried, but there was always a reason to worry. Ahsan was in the military, as soon as she got comfortable they would have to move, Julie Ann felt like they had dragged their poor children all over the damn world and back again. They had been in Florida for a long while, Julie Ann had started to get comfortable, she had started working at a bank again and could feel the promotion to manager coming when Ahsan walked into the kitchen and announced that he would be moving back to West Virginia. For a brief second Julie Ann had considered beating her husband to death with a skillet. He had promised that this would be his last assignment.

“I want to retire at home, Ma and Pops are old, I want to be near them.”

Once again her eyes fell on the skillet, maybe she wouldn’t kill him but bringing the pan upside his head would make her feel a hell of a lot better. “You want to move me from sunny Florida, to Wasteland Virginia int the middle of Winter? On top of all that you want me to be with crazy Miya?”

“Come on JuJu.”

“Don’t you JuJu me you son of a bitch!” She snapped and stormed past him, skillet still in hand. Ahsan was six feet, six inches and nearly three hundred pounds of pure muscle, she would have to jump to reach his bald ass head and he would easily avoid the blow.

“JuJu…”

“No Ahsan, you said this would be your last assignment. You said once the kids were grown you’d retire and we could finally start taking those vacations. You said Florida was cool, especially after Daddy died, you know how I feel about Momma being by herself. You always promise me things.” She gasped, “You’re selfish!”

“I am not selfish.”

“Yes, yes you are.” She rounded on him, “Stop following me.”

Ahsan took two steps back, hands up, eyes on the skillet. He had tried her once or twice before.

“It’s not the middle of Winter.” He muttered weakly.

Julie Ann flung the skillet at him, and he had the nerve to catch it! She spun on her heels and stomped upstairs, “Mind your damn business.” She shouted at their eldest, Nia on her way to their bedroom.

Her children and their alliance with their father was another source of irritation. Ahsan could do no wrong in their eyes.

Julie Ann sat on the bed and pouted. It would be nearly a week before she would speak to Ahsan again, and another week before he was allowed back inside their bedroom. He had spent time in the living room and in the nursery with their grandson. Julie Ann had told him to go to West Virginia by his damn self, yet when the time finally came for him to leave, she followed.

Looking back, Julie Ann had to admit that things were not as bad as she thought they would be, in fact, they were not even close to the way she imagined it. Ahsan did not have to live on base, and they got the gorgeous three-bedroom home in Magnolia Park, with the stuck-up neighbors and the pool in the back.

“Oh, your boyfriend’s here.” Julie Ann had said when they were moving in and Silas Johnson swung into their driveway. “Is he why we moved back here?”

“Stop.” Ahsan grumped and kissed the top of her head. The pair had been childhood best friends and Julie Ann hated Silas since the day she met him. There was something about him, he was cocky and every time Ahsan got into serious trouble, Silas was right there by his side. Not to mention Silas was a whore!

“Goddamnit, Ahsan.” She huffed when the passenger door opened and Silas’ new wife Grace. climbed out.

“Please be nice.” He begged.

Julie Ann was nice, and to her surprise she found that she actually liked Grace. The woman was the same age as they were but looked so much younger, she was tall and shapely; a dancer’s body! Grace was quick to smile and was an all-around pleasant person. Pity. Julie Ann had hated this woman for years without actually knowing her. When Julie Ann met Ahsan, Silas was already married to his first wife Esther. The two were close friends and most of their children were the same age. Silas’ daughter Sonja was two years older than Nia; his second daughter Amore was two months older than their second daughter Rayne, and their son Amir was two hours older than Silas and Esther’s daughter Zion.

Poor Esther had struggled during her last pregnancy, she had finally found out about Silas’s whoring ways and the stress had drained her. Silas had a daughter who was a few months older than Zion, but by the time the girl was born Silas had already moved on to Grace.

It was through Grace that Julie Ann joined Mamas & Mimosas, a small women’s club for mothers. She made new friends who helped with her transition. Julie Ann also started her home-based craft business and with the help of the Mamas, the business took off online and grew to something lucrative very quickly.

Julie Ann also stressed often about Rayne because of her crazy boyfriend…also named Rayne. She lost sleep over that relationship. “He’s going to kill her,” was what Julie Ann lamented a lot. She knew she was driving Nia crazy always calling and asking if she heard from her sister. On the other hand, “Amir is going to kill him.” He son was as big and buff as his father, it took a lot to make Amir mad, the boy was some kind of saint—but at the same time Amir had a temper and once triggered he became a beast.

“Rayne is grown.” Ahsan would remind her, but she had heard him threaten to kill boy-Rayne on more than one occasion.

That situation resolved itself when one morning, Ahsan opened the door on his way out to work only to find Rayne standing there with a suitcase. “Yeah, I nearly killed Rayne.” She announced and strutted into the house like she owned the place. “What’s for breakfast Ma?”

Ahsan was on her heels, “What happened? Did he hurt you?”

“That nigga cheated on me—again, and had the nerve to swing on me when I confronted him about it. I defended myself with a rolling pin. Anyways, I’ve got court in January.”

“Your sister and brother already know about this don’t they?” Julie Ann questioned.

“Amir posted my bail and Nia drove me to the airport.”

Julie Ann and Ahsan exchanged a look, their children always screamed that they wished each other was not born but would protect each other feverishly.

Rayne had always been the most daring of their children, so she often found herself in sticky situations. She was also the most hot-headed and provoking so she usually started fights with her siblings. She was closer to Amir than she was to Nia, although the pair were always at each other’s throats. Nia was the most stable of the children, she married her high school sweetheart Timothy and the pair had a son, TJ, together. Amir was a chaotic neutral, he was the most affectionate and shared a close relationship the entire family. He was the one who convinced Julie Ann to move with Ahsan. “I’m in this weird traditional phase with work, so I still have to go up to Louisiana all the time. I’ll keep an eye on Gran’Mere for you Honey.” Amir never called Julie Ann Mommy, or Ma, or Momma because Ahsan always called her honey, so somehow, he thought that is what he was supposed to call her.

Nia, Tim and TJ came up the week before Christmas, Amir was not sure if he would be able to make it since the Coast Guard had finally transferred him fully to Florida and people tended to be idiots during the holidays. When the front door flew open and Rayne strode in from her shift at the bar Christmas morning with her brother behind her, rather than feeling excitement, Julie Ann’s feeling of dread grew worse.

“Something’s going to happen to my baby.” Julie Ann told Ahsan when she caught him away from the children.

“Is this about the psychic thing?”

“You know my feelings are never wrong.” Ahsan did not believe in—as he puts it—mumbo-jumbo, but he had to admit that these strange inklings Julie Ann got were never wrong. She knew something was going to happen to his older brother, and not long after he ODed. She knew Nia was going to have a baby and a year to the day she told her, TJ was born.

“Let’s not focus on that. Let’s just try to enjoy the day with our family and friends, okay?”

“Yeah…”

All in all, it was a good day. Two year old TJ was his usual, dramatic self being the center of attention. He wanted to go swim in the pool since he did not understand that water froze in the Winter. He was usually attached to Tim or Amir’s legs and would rather play dominos with his Papa and the men than with the mountain of toy he received as gifts. There was an awkward moment when Esther passed by for some food and met Grace and the Mamas at the house. “We’ll get brunch on the weekend, okay?” Julie Ann said as a way of apology.

Silas disappeared for about an hour and the girls grilled Grace on where their father could have gone but she just smiled.

“Oh shit, that boy done brought his girl here?” Ahsan’s father Armand said.

Amir laughed, “Come on Pops, you remember Zion.”

Armand’s eyes bugged out of his head, “That’s Lil ZiZi? Got damn!”

“Stop.” Ahsan slapped his father on the arm and tried to swallow his laugh. The other girls swarmed their sister, there was a lot of giggling and squealing.

“Look at that fool.” Amir grumbled when Rayne pushed her way through the Johnson girls. When they were little and Rayne was mad at Amir, she always told him that she wished Zion was her sister instead of Amir being her brother and he would cry every single time.

Ahsan chuckled, “It’s so good to have my family all together in one place.”

Julie Ann felt his eyes on her.

Two days after Valentine’s Day, Ahsan came home early from work looking terrible and Julie Ann wondered if he was sick. He made her sit on the couch and took a seat beside her. “We’re going to Florida. Tim called. Something happened…with Amir…”

[a-patheticapathetic]

Rishloo - Feathergun: Review

New year, new me. Let’s repeat that until it becomes true. 

There seems to be a pattern with how I discover music. At a very young age, I hear a song in a very specific circumstance. It has a big impact on me, but I make absolutely zero effort to check out any of the artist’s other music and instead meander onto another earworm. Then, years later, I have another chance meeting with the same song/album/artist and fall completely down a rabbithole that foundationally changes my taste in music. It happened with Radiohead (High and Dry as one of the default songs in the original Rocksmith), Queens of the Stone Age (Lost Art of Keeping a Secret in a stick figure animation), and Nine Inch Nails (Hurt (Quiet) on Spotify radio). Then, there was this strange song called “Scissorlips” that I saw on a very small Rock Band 3 drum channel. I showed it to my brother because of how fun the chart looked, and made the mistake of watching his reaction to the video. His disinterest embarrassed me enough that I never chased the music. That is, of course, until many years later, when I was introduced to Tool. The rest is history, and is frankly stalling me from starting the actual review. Let’s get to it.

Scissorlips - 8/10

The strange, dark jungle the album begins with is a nice representation of the album cover, although it won’t rule over the entire runtime. Don’t let the de-tuned guitar under the vocals deter you; the rest of the guitarwork here is beautiful. As we reach the pre-chorus, the percussionists may hear why I was interested in this song as a kid. This is also where the sonic background really opens up, swallowing you for a moment before the intro verse comes back. The lyricism here is also very abstract, yet isn’t impossible to follow. A couple of metallic bites taken out of the mostly psychedelic walls of guitars, then, the first of many beautiful delay effects. The build-up got me pretty good when I heard this so many years ago, and It’s still damn good. For the love. There are so many guitar lines here that just intertwine and enlace you. Then, something a bit heavier (yet oddly hopeful) to round the song out.

Turning Sheep into Goats - 7/10

This intro is more of what can be expected for the rest of the album, sonically speaking. A lone guitar with delay playing a complicated and alluring line in a strange time signature, then built upon. The path you may assume this song will follow is extremely suddenly changed at the chorus, the vocals really driving it home. Then, back into that nice opening riff like nothing happened. The next time that chorus comes thundering around, listen to that low guitar and the way it combines with the drums. Then drop out the ugliness into a floating mesh of palm mutes and synthetic strings. And don’t miss the fl

Systematomatic - 7/10

awless transition into the next song. Immediately, a new riff rises from the pond of reverb. You may not identify it immediately, but don’t worry, you’ll get more chances to. Very fast guitar-work that somehow doesn't sound so frantic, although the chorus definitely has a certain desperation to it. The mood gets heavy again, before quickly sliding into a strange, feverish haze. Some hits of percussion, then a recontexutalized and slower return to the riff at the start of the song. Weave us back into war.

River of Glass - 8/10

Now this is an ear-catching introduction. What seems to be a calm wave of delay is punctuated by war drums and a grimier lead. The mood builds, then crescendos into the song proper. The chorus is hear damn near immediately, and is extremely catchy for prog. This album is really just full of extremely memorable vocals, and the instrumentals complement them perfectly. We get two goes-around before we fall into these twisting and sliding strings. The drummer is also on his A-game here. Then, the guitars push into the clouds before coming back down with another short but heavy low. Then it all cuts out for a second, juts to make the burst into the final chorus that much more effective.

Keyhole in the Sky - 7/10

This one is simpler, but also very filling and peaceful. Unfortunately it does begin to showcase my only problem with this album; the vocals are mixed too loud at times. And while the singer is absolutely incredible, sometimes I’d like the instrumentals to breathe a bit more. The walls of high guitar come back around, this time feeling much more friendly and familiar. One last chorus, closing on a quiet note. Though it’s not over; an alien feedback loop and somber, echoey horn passage lead us into the next track

Downhill - 10/10

This song has two main phases, and is absolutely perfect throughout. An easy start; a relatively simple and serene riff fed through a pleasant delay pedal, with some subtle synth and bass backing. The vocals shine through, as clear as ever. And wave, goodbye. Then, like stepping through a portal into phase one. A very interesting, rhythmic and almost bluesy instrumental accompanies the title-drop. Then, we fall for miles down a well of piano. The bottom greets us with a moonlit key solo, then an incredible Floydian guitar solo. Hanging on the last note, phase two begins with an ominous drone and repeating guitar line. The drums rise, give a false start. then... perfection. I cannot do phase two justice with words. Just close your eyes, listen, and be swept away in what I believe to be one of the greatest vocal performances of all time.

Lost.

Feathergun in the Garden of the Sun - 9/10

Not to be outdone by the previous masterpiece, the title track opens with another wonderful soundscape, before the distortion comes in. The drums pick up the tension, bringing us into the pre-chorus. That riff is going to be impossible to tap your foot to at first, but the next ones should be easier. And here we have perhaps the best chorus on the record; extremely powerful in writing and execution on the parts of every band member. The second time around is just as good as the first, then the brdige begins. Ready, aim... The heaviest riff on the album, and an abrupt switch into the last chorus. Fade out.

Dreamcatcher - 7/10

A nice break from the intensity. This feels like a peaceful tidepool on an alien world, with creatures and colors beyond the world floating around my head. Short but sweet.

Diamond Eyes - 6/10

By no means bad, I do feel like this one may be the weakest track on the album. While it’s certainly beautiful, I feel like it doesn’t do a whole lot that’s new or interesting. Also, when listening at high volume (which is the proper way to listen to this album), the faults in the mixing really rear their ugly heads during the choruses. Still, there are some very pleasant rolling delay loops here during the bridge, and a nice and satisfying buildup towards the end.

Katsushika - 7/10

While the guitar opening this track may be the most straight-forward and least effects-driven riff we’ve heard so far, this song will eventually become the most alien one of the entire lineup. In a good way, of course. I can barely even decipher exactly what’s going on in the instrumentation during that build. The chorus also ends with a nice drop-off into the next verse. You may be noticing a pattern with the songwriting, where the chorus usually leads into the second verse, following the pattern of the first one but with more layering. I like it; it gives the ideas present more time to mature and develop. Anyways, here comes the bridge, where everything changes. Out of everything going on here, I feel like the drums and the background vocals are the most striking thing about this outro. What a fantastic progression and dropout. Beautiful monsters.

Weevil Bride - 8/10

The finale. This riff here is extremely well-done. The tone here is somehow piercingly bright and concerningly dark at the same time. The lyricals themes of the album also come to a head here. This chorus is another incredibly written and performed beast; just wait until it’s modulated. The second verse lays away with the subtleties and strikes at the head. And I just need to know that everything is fine, and everyone’s alright. This bridge also kicks ass, with its heart-pouding combination of guitars and toms. Then, comes the heaviest part of the entire album: Yes, please. Then we are snapped out of the masochism and lifted back to hear the main point of the album, before the intro riff carries us into an uncertain but complete conclusion. After the “true” song ends, there is a long passage of somber horns and a tranquil, almost lullaby-esque keyboard. There’s something extremely nostalgic about this outro to me, but I still can’t put my finger on where it comes from. This section almost feels like the music they play after the end of a play, as the lights come on and you make your way down the dimly-lit theater steps on slightly numb and shaky legs. The story is over; this is your time to reflect.

The main reason I wanted to write about this album in particular is because I feel like it hasn’t gotten the attention it’s deserved. It truly feels like a masterpiece worthy of widespread recognition and praise, but despite being released over a decade ago, few people have even heard of this band. It feels like injustice, not only for Rishloo’s efforts, but for the people who would connect with this album as much as I have. Also, there’s the slightly selfish hope that increased attention would incentivize the band to work on more new stuff, or better yet, remaster their older works.

In any case, It’s very late, my back hurts because my spine hates my nervous system, and I need to actually get to sleep tonight so I can heal the godforsaken nerve that wedged itself in my inner workings yesterday. On a scale from “Your all-time low just lowered again”, to “Want some? Yes, please”, I give Feathergun a “Oh, what beautiful monsters”.

[feygentbard]

Thoughts On Gender

As I get older and more aware of my actual gender identity, I’m starting to realize that a lot of my intense desire to look feminine when I was younger was actually a manifestation of my true gender. In intermediate/middle/early high school, when I desperately wished for more feminine hips and slimmer shoulders and bigger boobs and larger lips, I didn’t actually WANT those changes to my body, I just wanted to look like a “normal” girl, I wanted to fit in. People bullied me, called me ugly, compared me to a guy, called me gay, a faggot, girls looked at me in disgust because there were rumors I was a lesbian, so I desired to look as feminine as possible and induce as much opposite-sex attraction as I could to fit in and make it stop. I hated baggy clothes because they hid any feminine features I had, and form-fitting clothing became the norm.

But that’s not what I really wanted. What I really wanted was to feel comfortable in my body, and to understand why there were certain parts of it that made me want to claw my skin off and other parts that felt just fine. I thought it was just puberty, just part of growing up, and hid those thoughts from everyone around me. Then in college, I was finally away from my small Christian hometown and beginning to explore who I was without judgement from others. But then I dated an emotionally abusive man who hated girls with short hair but wanted them to have masculine hobbies, who hated women with piercings but wanted to date a rebel. I got even more confused, and more repulsed by myself and my desires and my body, until finally I snapped and broke it off and bought loose clothes and chopped off all my hair in rebellion, and finally, I felt free.

I started wearing more masculine clothing, got into cosplay (primarily cosplaying gender-neutral characters or men) and dyed my hair every color of the rainbow, supported by my best friends. I was going through a rough time, I reasoned, and would return to normal after recovering from this phase. I did begin to cautiously, openly express my bisexuality at this point, and was pleased by the fact that this didn’t change anyone’s perception of me. Later on, I met an amazing partner and we dated for quite a while, and I finally opened up about my gender insecurities. I was met with full acceptance and understanding, and at that point, I started to actually embrace myself and my gender. Soon after, someone (perhaps mistakenly) referred to me as “they,” and something just clicked. I began to research genderqueer and nonbinary identities, and it was there that I finally found myself.

My pronouns are still fucky, and for the sake of convenience and my sanity I still refer to myself as she/her at home (I am not out to my family or my community) and let my friends refer to me with whatever pronouns they wish, and with them I’m usually comfortable enough with she/her as well. I may never medically or socially transition, simply because it could greatly hurt my career prospects and I am not at a point where I can withstand the judgement from my family. My gender may even change in the future, who knows? But I know who I am now, and that is enough for me.

I am nonbinary, I have been for a very long time, and I am finally learning to embrace that and be proud.

[artsytulip-blog]

My Early Saturn Return

When Saturn entered its home sign of Capricorn in December of 2017 it gave those of us who were ready an opportunity to take an advanced track to growth. As I write this in January of 2019 I am finally realizing exactly what this transit meant. Every 29.5 years Saturn returns to home; if you happen to meet the prerequisites you could’ve taken advantage of this rare transit but along the way you’d definitely have to get out your comfort zone. We all have free will and simply because Saturn returns to challenge us to grow doesn’t mean we have to accept the offer. Many do just that and choose to decline, as a result they also choose to stay in a pseudo-comfort zone, live unfulfilled lives with untapped potential. Before my Soul chose this journey I was much like the masses: living a predictable lifestyle, seemingly comfortable, in a career path I hated, unsatisfied, lonely, etc. Now I’m living within the unknown which has immense creative potential so anything can happen (this isn’t always good but certainly not all bad), I’m learning to become comfortable with being uncomfortable, I’m no longer trapped in an unsatisfying career, I am surrounded by the love of my partner & daughter, and I’m growing into the more evolved version of myself.

My true Saturn return is when he enters Aquarius March 21, 2020. However, because I was so eager for growth I expedited the process and I found myself experiencing the lessons a bit early and I didn’t realize what was happening until the lessons were reaching completion, which is usually the case in any formal institution. Saturn energy can be very strict/confining and it has a way of squeezing you to extract impurities while forcing perfection. This transit will challenge you to push past rigid limitations of your mind and physical reality for a breakthrough that will allow you to experience the ultimate freedom that comes with having gone through the gauntlet of Saturn. The goal of all this testing, pruning, and fine tuning is to become the most High version of yourself, but in order to align with that there’s a series of tests you must go through and pass with little to no error. *Whew* I’m ready to share my story.

My initial inspiration for embracing the Saturn in Capricorn transit and unknowingly initiating an early Return was only because of the rewards. I was young, green, and naïve; very similar to 0. The Fool in the tarot deck, intrigued by the Magik and mystery of it all with little to no concern for the consequences that come with this chosen path. My focus was only on the potential for abundance, stability, and manifestation power which is the end result of having done the work and learned the lessons; essential all the positive attributes this transit had to offer. Nonetheless, that ignorant blissful & light hearted attitude is a necessary component because it prompts the Initiate to select the experience. If the Initiate knew how spooky other aspects of the journey were they’d probably side against it. For me things started off very lovely and light. However, I soon learned many sacrifices and risks were involved and I had to go through the darkness to bring back the light. Moreover, I had to understand that in order to get the rewards Saturn wanted to give me I had to earn it and really work for it because nothing was going to be handed to me willy nilly, that’s simply not how this energy works. Along the journey I had to go through the good, the bad, and the ugly all while trusting I’ll reach the full circle moment of aligning with my initial inspirations once my curriculum is completed.

The curriculum Saturn gives you is centered around you. The course moves at your pace it may or may not take the full 2.5 years, it all depends on how fast/slow you learn and level up, if you have to repeat a lesson, or get stuck. Your lessons will force your to face your fears so that you can become fearless. Saturn is all about limitations; fear is one of the biggest limitations that will inhibit you from harmonizing with your True Higher Self. By dealing with your fears head on through experience you learn that you’re equipped to handle it if you’re willing to go through it. Once that’s done and you get through it you’ll realize there’s nothing to be afraid of. After having faced the fear and overcome it typically you feel a lot better once it’s all said and done. In retrospect, you’ll be able to look at the situation from a higher perspective, this is the vantage point of your True Higher Self. Because Saturn energy has a lot to do with discipline to balance out the strict aspects of the Saturn Return there is a built in reward system of consolation prizes to keep you inspired to finish the journey.

At a mundane level the Saturn Return is about “adulthood/career” so naturally things that traditionally come with the responsibility of being an adult are sure to surface during this transit. Additionally, if you’re in a career path that’s not in alignment with your hearts desire it’s likely it’ll phase out if you’re sticking to the process. If you try to hold on to the things that need to be uprooted for your growth you’ll be playing yourself and adding an extension to your coursework or simply becoming stagnant. We see this all the time with people stuck at dead end jobs because they fear the uncertainty that comes in tandem with following your heart. At a higher level the Saturn Return is about merging with the actualized Most High version of yourself who is a secure, confident, master manifester that trusts in thyself and power because they’re tried and true seasoned with wisdom/understanding. This can only happen if your commit to undergoing the process until its completion.

The bolded words are key because Saturn and this transit are connected to two major arcana cards in the tarot. The first is XV. The Devil, which is synonymous with the goat that is Capricorn, the zodiac under Saturns rulership and its current location during this transit. Moreover, XV. The Devil Tarot card is connected to the UNDERworld, limitations, fear, and will strip you away from your comfort zone. All of this can be very scary and make you want to turn back and abort the mission. In many cases, you’ll reach a point of no return because you’re in so deep and attempting to go back to your old life is a lost cause because the things you once found solace in has become nonexistent. This energy is the most difficult aspect of the journey because it challenges you to keep going so you can eventually breakthrough by digging deep into our underworld which is the subconscious mind. From this you will uncover hidden aspects of yourself, identify your demons which are your limitations and remove the shackles of fear. The goal is to grow through everything you go through. This energy can be hard to deal with because growth is by no means a comfortable process but you have to remind yourself when you’re going through hell you shouldn’t stop in Hell. Ultimately you want to resurrect from “hell” defying limitations with a sense of freedom from old structures and mindframes that once kept you locked into the outdated paradigm of adolescence, this is what Saturn is encouraging you to mature from.

The next tarot card is XXI. The World which is directly connected to the earth element and the planet Saturn; hence the green wreath which is symbolic for Saturn’s ring. This card is the last of the tarot, marking completion and the end of the The Fool’s journey. After having gone through and learned various karmic lessons (which is what you needed all along) and survived The Devil’s gauntlet here comes the easy part, reaping the rewards (which is what you wanted all along) XXI. The World represents having reached the full circle moment of materializing tangible results that drew your Soul to journey with Saturn in the first place. Moreover, this cards energy alludes to a cosmic graduation and advancement to the next level. Congratulations for wherever you are on the journey; even if your commencement is yet to come know it’s on the way. Be proud of yourself for taking on this assignment, as many do not. Life’s hard enough as it is, atleast give yourself credit where it’s due... you deserve it.

Your beliefs/knowing will be tested to determine if you truly are who you believe/think/know you are and what you’re capable of. Throughout the process aspects of your life and world will be broken down especially if they aren’t in alignment with your true self. However in the end you’ll be built up, stronger, and wiser than you were initially. It’s hard and by no means easy but when you reach your darkest hour that’s typically when the miracle appears so never give up. Instead, give in to the process, essentially say “fuck it” while trusting that everything is actually happening for your highest good and not harm. This is the act of letting go and putting yourself in the hands of your Higher Self with confidence because you’ve done your due diligence and there’s nothing more to do or say besides trust/believe/know.

“When you decide to do the assignment of the soul, the heavens will further empower your will and efforts to bring it to completion”

My Saturn Return BLessons:

[tunmiseokuku]

I’d like to capture some phenomena that seem to have become ubiquitous in human relations and veils -at least to me- as some form of behavioural reinforcement.

Give me my flowers

This is totally subjective. That is my opinion. Not universal

I see a lot of posts about people celebrating people after they are gone. And quotes like give me flowers when I can smell them. It is all well and true. And indeed I hope I do so much so for the people that I love and I hope I get that reciprocated. Truth?! It is not always how we expect it to be. And how one person is celebrated is dependent on various factors that we may never be able to grasp. I mean never. I’ll start with some ‘dark’ thoughts.

Say you have been friends with someone for so long and then life just happened. Even with all of your efforts to keep this person in your life; you have reached out; you have attended all their invites. Even been there for all their good. And bad news. The connection feels strong from your side. But, it’s not you suppose, being reciprocated. So you get to the point and tell yourself ‘I’ll not stay where I’m not welcomed ‘. No beef; no bad blood, you just got to a realization that this person’s - let’s call it role- in your life is over. Maybe they sensed it before you did. Well, you got there. You still do chit chats, and in these days find yourselves on social media streets and salute each other so warmly and familiarly that you begin to wonder why you can’t keep that energy up IRL (in real life) - see I’m trying to be in trend 😁.

Anyways fast forward to a well-lived life kinda death, or a violent one; or just because kind of transition. Let me ask, will you not ‘mourn’ what has been; what could’ve been and what is? ‘ strange as it might sound. At the scent of news of eternal transition? All emotions good and bad vanishes. And one will want to keep the good memories. It’s just a kind of coping mechanism. Simple. No matter how much you try to fight it. The bad experiences with this /these person(s) will matter very little.

Now move on to people you ‘just ‘ met in life. Not there from your beginning, but very instrumental in this phase that you are. Everything is going fine. You have the same energy! ‘Love’ is flowing effortlessly. Wow, you say to yourself ‘ I’ve finally found my tribe!’ And you are cruising in blissful ignorance not knowing exactly what or having an idea what kind of tribe this new ‘tribe’ member had, is building, or has.

-tribe here doesn’t refer to ethnicity- Then you begin to get deeper into this new tribe member's life. You have become ‘no see; no sleep’ (that’s a direct transliteration from Yoruba); then you begin to really SEE, and you found there have been masks all along. Your core values don’t really align. This person isn’t a ‘bad person. But for all that they have ‘done and become’ in your life and to you; you find out after such a long emotional investment that you do not align. You move on; not because you hate the person; or they have done you badly; you just want to protect yourself. The sense of self-preservation is indeed a deep and strong one. So after this revelation; this tribe member remains in the tribe but their role in the order of your life is ‘managed’.

Fast forward again to transition to eternity, after the shock, I can almost guarantee that one of the first memories that will come rushing back is that of the beginning of the formation of the tribe and how beautiful it was and enabling and invigorating. The ugly memories will only flash through. And when they do; one might even begin to question oneself maybe if I had?…

This is not a universal thought process. For I have met people either by design or nurture; won’t spare a moment for somber emotions that comes with death. Maybe that also is a coping mechanism or…🤷🏾‍♀️

Now there’s another set of people one will meet in this journey called life. They only pop in when the need arises and vice versa. That’s about it. That’s what the universe meant for the relationship to be like. Pursue anything deeper and you might just truly get hurt. And a person that was supposed to be there for just a moment and several moments in life becomes an ‘enemy��; hater; and all the titular designation we give people we perceive not to align with our perception, for a lifetime.

Then again the news drops and the questions start. I dare say again before the ‘off moments’ of this fleeting relationship are explored. At the ‘scent’ of that news, the most probable memory that will pop? Is the first moment they ‘popped’ into one's life.

Wondering what I’m trying to get at?

It’s all well and good to expect certain reciprocity in life from people we believe we have invested in emotionally. At the risk of sounding like I am invalidating the hurt and pain that comes from feeling used; if we work ourselves to be aware enough we will know it is not that ‘deep’.

Foster deep relationships! By all means!

That is all I’m about anyway.

I found it very difficult until very recently in the history of my life- to keep ephemeral relationships. It just wasn’t something that came easily to me. I’ve been burnt a thousand times and even recently CHARRED. But I’ll give a recondite relationship a go first.

I however have come to learn. There are different kinds of people that will saunter through one’s life however short or long.

The deal is to be present enough to be able to discern the role of each ‘member’ assigned to your tribe. And deal accordingly.

Before I round this off, best believe that, that flower that we are expected to give each other while living, might only come BECAUSE of a transition. Because at the announcement of a transition is when some people were destined to be known, and WHEN their impact will begin.

Trying to understand the enigma called life is tough work.

My strategy? Work as much as you can to live ‘presently’. It is a very difficult task I tell you; especially in this world that thrives on rat race(s).

For the present? If no one is giving you the flowers. Biko cut some, buy some for yourself and smell it. That person you are expecting that flower from might not even know you want them to give you flowers.

That is the conundrum existing and living is.

Love yourself; love your neighbour; love your country; above all love God; He’s the essence of your being.

#TDK

[oldcoyote]

so when i was 17 years old, my mother asked me what i wanted for my 18th birthday, and i told her i wanted a puppy. she didn’t understand why, because it was a long term cost for me, a lot of work to care for a pup, and we had a pup in the house already (her dog). she expected an 18 year old girl to want clothes or makeup or a guitar or something. 

she didn’t really understand that i had no friends, and was too afraid to learn things for fear of failure and increasing my worthlessness, and that, to people who aren’t my parents, my face and body are very ugly and buying pretty clothes is usually a bit of a waste of money. i told her the truth about why i wanted it, though. i believed that if something in the world that didn’t have to love me, loved me, maybe it could make me believe i was worth something. i just needed someone to love me who wasn’t obligated to.

Winona was my baby girl, she was a golden cocker spaniel and she loved me more than anything in the world. she was everything. she died two years ago, of old age and insulinoma, but her whole life she was loved and cared for to every extent and she made my life and the lives of my family a better place.

after she died, i was now much older, and chronically ill and poor as shit, and i still had no friends nearby (all so far away, sadly), and nothing else had changed - not my body, nor being loved. eventually, some time after she passed, i wanted to get another pup; this time to help me physically, to function as a helper. in the end i got Solo, my blue merle rough collie, after a lot of savings and a lot of research.

it was a hard adjustment. collies aren’t spaniels, and puppies are distracted easily, fickle, and change on a dime. he was never affectionate like she was, he didn’t sleep on my bed (no matter how hard i tried to encourage him to), he didn’t wait for me or love me the way she did as a baby. i was certain i’d robbed him of a better life, for most of his puppyhood, since he seemed so unhappy here - and i thought often about finding him a better home. 

the first year of his growing up he proved to be a bit of a brat, a handful at times, excitable and gorgeous but very frustrating when he wanted to be. all of the quirks that she had were absent in him, which made it even stranger. my family assured me it was just the puppy phase, and the difference between the nature of cocker spaniels (endless adoring love machines from the start) and collies (loyal adults but ridiculous babies). i wasn’t sure how much of that was true, all i could see was a dog who didn’t seem to care for me at all - and what did that say about me? if even a dog doesn’t like you all that much when you’re the one that feeds it, bathes it, etc - that must mean you’re a pretty awful person.

but now, out of nowhere this last few months, Solo has started behaving differently. where he never got on my bed before, and long since i stopped encouraging him to, he’ll jump up now and lay beside my legs when i’m resting. while i sleep sometimes he gets up and lays beside me and waits for me to wake up. where he preferred to lay down in another room and ignore me before, now he follows me room to room whenever i get up. where he hated much in the way of physical affection now he waits for cuddles and ear-rubs, and the habit i got into of rubbing my cheek along his needlenose muzzle. he waits for it, and reciprocates, which is new.

he only ever wagged his tail for my parents or visiting friends, or strangers at the door, but now when i come home from running an errand he’ll wag it for me.

he’s become my full time companion, which is what i’d dreamed of when i thought of him in the first place. it’s such a strange and long transition, that i’m left a bit confused and astounded by it.

and it makes me wonder what it means. i’ve believed most of my life that i am unlovable but by obligation (family) and the very rare and special few who are driven by sheer determination to love (Noni, my closest friends). maybe it’s just that i’m a difficult person to love, but with time, it gets easier.

[rejectedusername-trashfics]

One Shot Everything’s Going to be Alright

Summary: Ryan wasn’t born what he wanted to be. But he has a wonderful boyfriend with the Fake AH Crew to support him. Then, he’s not careful and he and his boyfriend have to deal with the consequence for the rest their lives. Maybe, the consequence won’t turn out to be bad at all.

Word Count: 9,064

Pairing: Gavin/Ryan

AO3

The Vagabond was the most terrifying man in Los Santos. He had a lot of pent up anger and distaste for the world, and he thought being a killer for hire, a mercenary, would be a productive way to get it out of his system. He was very angry with the world mostly because he was not born into the right body. The Vagabond, James Ryan Haywood, had actually been born Jane Ryley Haywood.

When he had tried to come out to his parents as a boy, they brushed him off, claiming that it was just a tomboy phase. He ran away from his home in Georgia and off to Los Santos after that. He had partnered up with another girl he met in Los Santos, who went by Dollface, and worked with her for quite a few years. A time went on, Ryan’s name as the Vagabond grew. Eventually, the girl joined an all-girl gang, called the Los Santos Sirens, and Ryan and his partner separated. The two still kept in touch, anyway.

Even with the Vagabond working solo, the notoriety and fear that came with the reputation he’d built continued to grow. Eventually, jobs offered by the infamous Fake AH Crew landed on his desk. He was honored to be getting bigger jobs like this. After about three jobs with the crew, he was asked to join them full time. He gladly accepted, he thought maybe this crew could be the family he always should have had. Though, he never planned to come out as trans to them, hoping they would only ever know him as Ryan.

Th crew offered him a room in their penthouse, which he gladly accepted. He sold off his apartment so he could start HRT. He had begun to grow more facial hair and have more muscle definition. His more defined masculine looks caught the attention of the Golden Boy, Gavin Free. Gavin had no idea what Ryan spent his heist money on, so he began to treat Ryan. That led to the two of them having feeling for each other

The two of them eventually started dating and there was a sense of harmony throughout the penthouse, considering everyone saw it coming. The only thing that was slightly confusing about the relationship to Gavin was that Ryan refused to get physically intimate with him nor would he ever let him see him naked. Gavin assumed that was because Ryan was asexual or something. Gavin learned the real reason when he walked in on Ryan changing.

He saw Ryan with a binder on. Ryan saw Gavin and quickly put his shirt back on and tried to run. Gavin locked the door, not allowing him run. He quickly assured him that his physical parts don’t change the fact that he still sees him as Ryan. Ryan blinked in surprise, smiled, and the encounter finally turned intimate, after that. Thus, the two of them began to have a very active sex life.

Gavin was with Ryan for every step of his transition after that, as well. He would go pick up his HRT and feminine supplies, until Ryan stopped needing them. He took care of him when he was recovering from Top surgery. He had even started looking into who the best surgeon for Bottom surgery in the country was, for Ryan. Everything was going well, until the crew got super busy and Ryan missed his monthly HRT shot…

 8 WEEKS

 After Ryan had missed his HRT, he decided to wait until after he got his period again before he started it back up. When it didn’t come, at first, he assumed it was because of leftover hormones in his system. Then, he started to constantly feel nauseous. This caused irrational paranoia to set in. One May afternoon, Ryan decided to test if his irrational paranoia was actually correct.

He sat patiently on the toilet, waiting for the results of his third pregnancy test. The first two had come back positive, be he wasn’t going to believe them until he had three tests to tell him that he actually was pregnant.

The third one finally gave him a positive result. He gasped, he didn’t think that something like this would ever happen to him. He dropped his head in his hands and sighed, he wasn’t quite sure what to do. He had always wanted kids one day, but had had given up on that when he decided to become a mercenary and started HRT.

Suddenly, he heard a knocking on the bathroom door. “RYAN,” Lindsay’s voice called out. “YOU ALMOST DONE IN THERE? CAUSE I HAVE TO PEE.”

Ryan quickly grabbed the pregnancy tests and shoved them in his pocket. He got up and unlocked the bathroom door. “Sorry,” he apologized.

“It’s okay, but can you not block the bathroom so I can use it?”

Ryan nodded and began to shuffle out of the way. “Do you know where Gavin is?”

“Lads are playing Hitman in the living room,” Lindsay quickly replied as she slammed the bathroom door shut.

Ryan took a deep breath and sighed, he knew what he had to do next. He walked over to the living room to see the lads trying to outdo each other with creative assassinations in the game. He tapped Gavin in the shoulder. “Gavin, we need to talk,” he started.

“Not right now,” Gavin quickly replied, not looking up from the TV screen.

“Or you could do it right now,” Michael popped in.

“Distracting Gavin would make things easier for us,” Jeremy added.

“I think I found out why I’ve been nauseous lately,” Ryan continued, ignoring everyone.

“Yeah, Gavin’s ugly face,” Michael joked.

“Oh, come off it,” Gavin retorted. “What actually is it, love?”

“It’s something I need to tell you in private,” Ryan finished, emphasizing the need to do this privately.

“Can it wait until after this?”

Ryan’s eyebrows furrowed. “No,” he answered as he picked Gavin up off of the couch, slung him over his shoulder, and marched out and to their room. Once he got there, he set Gavin down and closed the door.

“RYAN, WHAT THE HELL?!” Gavin angrily demanded.

Ryan sighed, this was the moment of truth. “You know I missed my HRT back in February, right?” he asked.

“Yah, and you were gonna wait until you got your period again. I know this, already!”

“But, it never came.”

“Probably cause leftover hormones.

“I think I know what my nausea is,” Ryan said, to get back to the point.

“Right, but I don’t see what that has to do with,”

“It’s morning sickness!” he finally spat out.

Gavin raised eyebrows. “Ryan, you’re being irrationally paranoi-,” Ryan grabbed the positive pregnancy tests out of his jacket and threw them at Gavin. One of them hit him in the face and fell into his lap. He saw that it was a pregnancy test and gagged, “Oh my god, you hit me with sticks you peed on!”

“Look closer at them,”’ Ryan demanded.

Gavin forced himself to stop gagging so he could take a closer look. He looked closer at the one that fell on his lap and saw that it was positive. “Ryan,” then he looked back up at him, “oh Ryan, what are you going to do?” he asked.

“What am I going to do? What are we going to do?! Cause I sure as fuck ain’t going through this, alone.”

Gavin looked down and sighed. “Right.”

“So, what do you think, Gavin?”

Gavin looked back up and sighed. “Well, ever since Michael and Lindsay had their little Sophie, I had been wanting a little sprog of my own. But since you started your,”

“Then we keep it,” Ryan interrupted.

“Ryan,”

“Look, I always wanted a biological kid, myself. I gave up on that idea for the same reasons as you. Now, this could be our only shot at this, so I’m not giving it up. I can go back to my transition afterwards.”

Gavin’s face lit up with excitement. “Ryan, we’re going to be parents!” he exclaimed as he got up and rushed over to Ryan to give him a kiss. He stopped as he pulled Ryan into an embrace, “wait, but this means you’re gonna have to come out to the crew,” he pointed out.

“We’ll,” Ryan stopped and sighed, “we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”

Gavin nodded. “Oh, Ryan,” he cooed as he pulled Ryan into a deep kiss. This was going to be an interesting rest of the year, but they knew it was going to be alright.

 14 WEEKS

 Things had begun to change for Ryan in ways. Raging hormones had made Ryan much more irritable. Gavin was afraid at first, but mood swings immediately flipped the emotion switch and Ryan would apologize for his poor behavior. Ryan had also become constantly tired. Constant exhaustion and irritability made the interrogations Ryan conducted much more sinister and hostile.

A more noticeable change was Ryan’s cravings. He had desired odd combinations such as pickles and ice cream. Ryan had hated pickles before the pregnancy, but couldn’t get enough of them, now. Though even with all the other changes, he still had his thing for diet coke. Gavin had to step in after reading that caffeine was bad during pregnancy. Ryan reluctantly agreed to switch to caffeine-free diet coke for the time being.

The most noticeable change was that Ryan started to gain some pudge around his stomach. When Gavin pointed this out and went to pat Ryan’s belly, his hand got smacked away. He was self-conscious about anyone recognizing his pregnancy. He already wore looser shirts so he could hide it, he still wasn’t ready for the crew to know about it.

The only other crew member who knew about Ryan’s pregnancy was Lindsay. Ryan had already come out to Lindsay as FTM trans a while ago, and the only reason he told her that he was pregnant, was because she had found empty pregnancy test boxes in the bathroom that weren’t hers. She promised Ryan that she wouldn’t tell anyone.

An afternoon in early June, was when Ryan suggested that he and Gavin go out to meet his old friend, his first partner in crime in Los Santos. They planned on asking her to be their child’s godparent since Ryan wasn’t comfortable sharing his pregnancy with Geoff. He and Gavin were walking to the door when Ryan stopped and took a whiff of the air and smelled something divine.

“Love?” Gavin asked to try and get Ryan’s attention.

“What is that?” Ryan asked as he turned towards the smell. He saw Michael and Jeremy eating something at the kitchen table.

“Fried pickles, dude,” Michael answered as he shoved one in his mouth.

Ryan quickly walked over to the table, “May I have one?” he asked, gingerly, as he got to the table.

“Sure,” Jeremy answered.

He picked one of and took a bite. His eyes blew up, wide at the taste. He moaned in pleasure at the taste. “Oh, deese ah orgammic,” he gushed with his mouth full of pickle.

“Ryan, we’re going to be late for lunch. And I’m sure the place we’re going has fried pickles,” Gavin called out in an attempt to get Ryan’s attention again.

Ryan quickly turned back to Gavin, “Right,” he acknowledged as ha ran back over to Gavin. The two of them exited the penthouse.

20 minutes later they arrived at a diner, Last Train in Los Santos. Gavin scanned the front patio for any possible hostiles, when he spotted a familiar purple haired woman in glasses looking over the menu. Gavin began to shake as Ryan spotted her, as well. “MEG!” Ryan called out to get her attention and started to wave.

The woman looked up from her menu and smiled, wide, as she saw Ryan. “RYAN!” she cheered as she got up to give him a huge hug.

Gavin began to shake more violently. “You’re… you’re…”

Ryan started to rub Gavin’s back. “Gavin, this is Meg, my best friend outside of the crew.”

“And you’re Gavin. I’ve heard all about you from what Ryan’s told me. And seeing you in person is only proving that Ryan has good taste in men,” Meg compliment.

“You’re Dollface?” Gavin asked this time.

“Yep,” she confirmed.

Gavin grabbed Ryan’s hand and shook harder. “Ryan, she’s Dollface!”

“Breath sweetheart, I know that,” he instructed. “We’ve known each other since long before the names, Dollface or Vagabond, meant anything.”

“Yeah, and it’s been Ryan’s persuasive reasoning that stops the Los Santos Sirens from starting anything with the Fakes,” Meg added in an attempt to calm Gavin down. Gavin’s eye’s widened in surprise that Ryan had been preventing crew conflict.  He took a deep breath and sighed. “Right then, do we want to go back and sit down? I already have a table for us,” she finished as she began to walk back to her table.

“Sitting down sounds like a dream right now. Come on, Gavin,” he commented as he took Gavin’s hand and followed Meg.

Gavin looked at how honest, caring, and cheerful Dollface was right now. He could see why Ryan had remained friends with Dollface, no, Meg, for so long. “Right, so what’s good on the menu?” he asked as he and Ryan sat down.

“Quick question though, does this place have fried pickles,” Ryan quickly asked.

“They do, but I thought you hated pickles,” Meg commented.

“Normally, I do hate them, but I’m actually rather fond of them at the moment.”

“Ha! You wouldn’t like pickles unless you were pregnant,” she joked.

“Well…” Ryan trailed off as he began to rub his arm, nervously. Gavin grabbed his hand and be began to rub circles in it to comfort him.

Meg looked up and saw the affection. Her eyes widened. “Oh my god, you are. Oh my god, Ryan!” she cheered as she quickly got up and gave Ryan a hug. “Congratulations!”

“Thank you,” he replied, graciously.

“You have to tell me all the details,” Meg demanded as she sat back down.

“Well, the little one is due in December,” Gavin started.

“And before you ask, no, we haven’t told the crew.” Ryan clarified.

“Oh,” Meg replied, sadly.

“But, Ryan, here, wanted us to ask you something,” Gavin filled back in.

“What is it?” Meg asked Ryan.

“Well, I wanted to do more than just tell you, I’m pregnant,” Ryan started.

“Well, what else is there?”

“I wanted Gavin, here, to meet you because I wanted him to know the person we were gonna be asking to be the godparent.”

Meg’s mouth dropped in shock, “Me?”

“Yes, you. If… you’d be okay with that.”

“Holy shit, I would love to be Mini Meg’s godmother!”

Gavin twisted his head in confusion and Ryan snorted. “Mini Meg, really?” Ryan asked with a smirk.

“That has to be its name now.”

Ryan sighed and smiled. He looked over at Gavin, and Gavin smiled in return. They both knew everything was going to be alright.

 18 WEEKS

 As expected with pregnancy, Ryan’s body continued to change. He continued to grow sleepier, and he couldn’t tell if it was psychosomatic of not, but he swore we was starting to feel movement in his lower abdomen. Gavin began to grow uneasy about Ryan going out to do missions for the crew, even offering to teach Ryan some hacking techniques. Ryan refused at first, claiming that he was still fit to do his work as crew muscle. Gavin finally demanded that Ryan take a break from missions after he got grazed by a bullet in the shoulder.

Ryan said he still needed to exercise, though. He asked Gavin to go weightlifting with him at the gym, saying that maybe they could try to switch roles in the crew. Ryan would be the lead hacker while Gavin could get to be the crew muscle. Gavin happily agreed to those terms.

Ryan’s stomach continued to expand, beginning to look more like a baby belly, rather than a pot belly. Gavin had a greater desire to pet Ryan’s stomach, and would ask permission before he tried anything. Ryan was very reluctant to agree, seeing as he was very self-conscious about his pregnancy and still hiding it from the rest of the crew.

In mid/late July, Gavin had stepped out to work out a negotiation. Ryan waited on the couch, patiently, for him back at the penthouse. As the hours passed, Ryan dozed off. He had been fast asleep, so he didn’t hear footsteps approaching the couch. “Ryan?” a voice asked. Ryan continued to snore. “RYAN!” the voice yelled to wake him up.

“GGGAAAAHHHH!” Ryan yelped as he jumped. He looked to see who had woken him up, to see it was Geoff. “Yes?” he asked, with a yawn.

“So, Gavin asked me not to put you on any missions,” Geoff started.

“I know,” he replied, groggily.

“And, I was wondering if everything is okay with the two of you. I mean, is he trying to be too controlling or something? Cause I’ve seen him try to control your actions, even seen him trying to control your diet.”

Ryan blinked and sat up. “Everything’s fine between us. He just wants me to be healthy.”

“Well, I’m not sure it’s working ‘cause it looks to me like you’ve been eating a bit on the side with that beer belly you started rockin’ there,” Geoff commented as he went to go poke Ryan’s stomach.

Ryan quickly swatted Geoff’s hand away. “DON’T TOUCH THAT!!!! I CAN’T DRINK ALCOHOL ANYWAY! CAN’T AND WON’T!!!” then he got up. “I’m going back to my room, don’t follow me,” he demanded as he shuffled away. Geoff just sighed.

20 minutes later Gavin came back. “RYAN, I’M BACK!” then he looked around and saw Geoff sitting on the couch, alone. “Where’s Ryan, I thought he’d be waiting there for me,” he asked as he walked over to Geoff.

“I asked him what you were doing to make him stress eat so much, on the side, and he wouldn’t tell me,” Geoff started.

“Oh no…”

“And when I went to poke his beer belly, he swatted my hand away and ran off. So, tell me, Gavin, what are you doing to him that’s making him do this to himself?”

“I…” then Gavin sighed, “I can’t tell you.”

“Seriously!?”

“I want to bloody tell you!” he cried, “but, I promised Ryan I wouldn’t tell a soul. This whole ordeal is a lot bigger that it may seem on the surface!”

“Well if it that big of a deal, you better tell me before Ryan gets any bigger!”

Gavin sighed again, “I know,” he said to himself. “Listen, I’ll go talk to Ryan, but you have to get the whole crew together. We’re gonna need to fill the whole crew in.”

“Got it,” Geoff confirmed with a thumb up.

Gavin found Ryan in his room sitting in his bed with his face in a pillow. “Rye?” he asked as he walked in.

Ryan lifted his head to reveal a damp face and red eyes. “Gav?” he choked.

“Oh, Rye-bread,” he replied softly as he walked over to the bed and got on to hold Ryan. Ryan smiled softly at the nickname. “What happened, love?”

Ryan frowned again. “Geoff called me fat, then tried to poke our little one.”

“Oh love, it will be okay,” Gavin comforted. Ryan snorted mucus back into his nose, in response. “But, the little one is starting to grow big.”

Ryan sighed glumly, “I know.”

“I think it might be time we tell everyone about the little guy.”

“But, but, that would mean,” Ryan began to shake in fear.

“I know what it means love. But, we prepared for this.”

“Hey,” a voice, Michael’s, came from the other side of the door, “are you guys coming? We heard you had an announcement.”

“Well, it looks like this is it. You ready?” Ryan nodded, sadly. “BE THERE IN A MINUTE!” Gavin called back as he rolled off of the bed. “Need help getting up?” Ryan shook his head and slid off the bed. “Do you want me to grab your senior yearbook?”

“I got it,” Ryan answered as he walked over to his desk, sighed, and grabbed his yearbook.

Then Gavin held out his hand. “You ready, love?” he asked again.

Ryan sighed one more time, “as ready as I’ll ever be,” he finished as he took Gavin’s hand. The two of them walked out of the room.

They entered the crew meeting room to find the main crew sitting around the table. “So, you have a big announcement, I hear,” Jack stated.

Ryan looked nervously at Gavin and he gave him reassuring look to let him know that it would be okay. Ryan gulped. “I uh, wanted to show you my senior yearbook photo,” he announced as he began flipping through the yearbook to find his photo.

“Ugh, lame!” Jeremy groaned.

Ryan rolled his eyes at that and put the book, opened to the page with his senior portrait, down on the table and pointed to his photo. The crew gathered around to look.

“Jane Ryley Haywood?” Michael read, “I didn’t know you had a sister.”

“It’s interesting to see your sister’s portrait, but where’s yours?” Jack asked.

Ryan took a deep breath and sighed, this was finally it. “I, I don’t have a sister.”

“Then who’s,” Michael began to ask.

“It’s my portrait. Jane Ryley is me, who I used to be,” Ryan took another deep breath. “My whole life, I thought I was born in the wrong body. I wanted to fix that when I moved to Los Santos,”

“So, you’re trans?” Jeremy asked. Ryan nodded gingerly to answer. “You know, that’s actually pretty cool.”

Geoff’s eyebrows furrowed, “and know you’re leaving the crew,” he guessed.

Ryan’s head shot up and his eyes looked like they were beginning to water. “What?” he asked as he begun to shake with fear.  

Gavin tried to hold Ryan, “Geoff, please don’t kick him out of the crew,” he pleaded.

“I’m not,” Geoff started. “Kdin left the crew the day after she came out to the crew as a woman, I can only assume Ryan’s doing the same thing.”

Ryan sighed in relieve at the fact that he wasn’t being kicked out. “Geoff, no. I was already in my true, male, identity when I joined the crew. And Kdin left because the Los Santos Sirens offered her a job to do exactly what she wanted to be doing. It was nothing against you,” he informed Geoff.

“So, you’re not planning on leaving the crew?”

“I’ll stay as long as you’ll have me.”

“Alright then.”

“Congrats on coming out,” Jeremy cheered in support. The rest of the crew clapped along as well.

Ryan smiled and Gavin rubbed his back, “You did it love,” he congratulated.

“Ha, now that you have the stress of hiding in the closet gone, you can work on losing that stress weight,” Geoff commented.

Ryan’s eye’s widened again and he looked back to Gavin for reassurance. “It’s alright, love. You did the hard part, so this part should be easy in comparison.”

Ryan nodded and took a deep breath. “I… can’t lose this weight right now…”

“Why not?”

“I uh… can’t lose it till December.”

“Wait, let me guess,” Jeremy started, “you have a stomach tumor and you’re getting it removed in December.”

Ryan did a double face palm and Gavin sighed. “Don’t call ‘em a tumor,” he whined

“I just came out as FTM transsexual, and you think I came out because I have stomach cancer?!” Ryan demanded.

“Then, what is it?”

“Take a wild guess!”

Jeremy looked at Ryan confused. Then, Michael looked Ryan up and down, “Ryan, are you… pregnant?” he asked.

Ryan nodded. “Yeah.”

“Ryan and I are having a baby! We’re gonna be parents!” Gavin cheerfully announced.

The rest of the crew began clapping wildly. “Congratulations!”  Jack congratulated.

“I guess that means I’m a granddad, now,” Geoff laughed.

“Sophie’s gonna have a buddy on the crew!” Michael cheered as he ran over to Gavin and gave him a noogie, “I can’t believe Golden Boy knocked the Vagabond up,” he teased as he gave him the noogie.

“Micool!” Gavin complained.

Ryan looked over and chuckled. Gavin’s eyes met his and they both smiled, they knew everything was going to be alright.

 20 WEEKS

 Coming out to the crew was a huge weight off of Ryan’s shoulders. He was a lot more eager to learn Gavin’s hacking techniques, and Gavin was happy to teach. Ryan was also happy to help Gavin train to become more adept at intimidating people during interrogations, even teaching him how to throw knives. He even helped Gavin train at the gym until his stomach rounded, had grown a bit too large, and he no longer has the energy to teach or do intense work outs. He asked Michael to step in as a trainer and he happily obliged.

As Ryan’s stomach continued to grow, Ryan had to find even larger shirts and switch to sweatpants. He wasn’t as self-conscious about it after he came out, but he still wasn’t a fan of anyone touching his stomach. This was why Ryan had postponed his ultrasound. He knew he was pregnant, but the thought of another living being growing inside of him was a bit to freaky for him. He didn’t want a photo reminder of the fact that he was pregnant.

Since the only doctor Ryan saw outside of Andy, the crew doctor, was his OB/GYN. Ryan was pretty reluctant to visit his gynecologist, but he knew that he still had to go see her to check up on the baby and so he and Gavin could figure out the sex of their child. So, Gavin scheduled Ryan’s appointment for an ultrasound, the first week of August.

Gavin opened the door to the doctor’s office, and held it open for Ryan. When Ryan wasn’t moving towards the door, he got worried. “You alright, love? Can you not walk?” he asked, concerned.

Ryan groaned, “I can walk, I just don’t want to be here.”

Gavin old his eyes, “oh, come off it.” He then went to go grab Ryan’s wrist and drag him into the office. “We should have done this at 18 weeks, but we were too busy coming out to the crew, yah.”   Ryan groaned, once more. The two of them walked to the receptionist’s desk. “Excuse us, we’re here for Mr. Haywood’s 1:30 appointment for an ultrasound,” he informed her.

The receptionist looked at her computer to check Ryan in. “I have you down,” she started. Then she looked him up and down, “though, I don’t understand why a man would go to a gynecologist’s office for an ultrasound.”

Ryan gave a small smile at her obliviousness. “It’s a, uh, small exception.”

She raised her eyebrow, “alright. Just have a seat and the doctor will come get you when she’s ready for you.”

“Come on, love,” Gavin directed Ryan to one of the seats in the waiting room. Ryan grumbled as he walked over to the seats. Gavin rubbed Ryan’s back as he joined him. “Aren’t you excited to find out what we’re having, though?”

“We’re having a baby, we already know that.”

“No, I mean whether we’re having a boy or a girl.”

Ryan scowled. “We won’t know whether they’re a boy or a girl until they know whether they’re a boy or a girl or something else.”

Gavin shook his head, “no, no, I didn’t mean gender,” he clarified. Ryan jut sighed in response.

15 minutes later, a woman doctor with long, blonde hair stepped out. “Mr. Haywood?” she called out.

“Over here,” Gavin called out.

She nodded, “Come on back, the room’s all set up,” she informed them as she motioned for them to follow her. Gavin stood up and grabbed Ryan’s hand. Ryan sighed and stood up, as well. the two of them followed the doctor. “How are you feeling?” she asked Ryan.

“I hate what pregnancy is doing to me,” he admitted.

“And why’s that?”

“I’m not allowed to do my job, and even if I was, I’d be too tired to do anything. I’m an emotional train-wreck. I’m fatter than I’ve ever been. I wouldn’t hate the cravings if thy weren’t making me even fatter. I pass gas a lot more than I used to, and that’s just embarrassing.”

“It’s not really that bad, Rye,” Gavin reassured him.

“You won’t let me be the little spoon because you don’t want me to fart on you! And it’s starting to get difficult for me to be the big spoon,” Ryan complained.

“Well…” Gavin’ face went red with embarrassment.

The group arrived at the room for the ultrasound. “Alright, here we are,” she informed the group, “Ryan, you lay down on the exam table,” she instructed. Ryan sighed and followed directions. Gavin went in to follow him, but the doctor stopped him. “Can I assume that you’re the baby’s father?” she asked him.

“Yeah, I’m Gavin, the baby’s, uh, other father,” he corrected her.

“Right, I should have known that. My apologizes. I’m Dr. Atkinson,” she introduced herself, at the end.

“Pleasure,” Gavin greeted back, offering a hand to shake. The two of them walked into the room.

Dr. Atkinson walked over to Ryan and grabbed the ultrasound gel. “Can you lift up your shirt, for me?” she asked him.

He whined and looked at Gavin. “I promise not to look at your tummy,” Gavin promised. Ryan sighed and lifted his shirt.

The doctor squirted lubricating jelly onto Ryan’s stomach. “Jesus! Why is that so cold?!” he demanded.

“Just relax,” she assured him as she began to rub the ultrasound transducer on the lubricated area. Images of the fetus began to appear on the television screen beside her. Ryan’s eyes were transfixed on his stomach.

Gavin’s eyes skipped over Ryan and looked at the screen. His eyes lit up as soon as he saw the fetus. His smile grew wide as he began to wave at the screen. “Hi, little guy. Can’t wait to meet you,” he told the image.

“Gavin, I thought you said you wouldn’t look at my stomach!” Ryan growled.

“I’m not looking at you, you dunce! I’m looking at our baby, through the ultrasound,” Gavin quickly fired back. “Why aren’t you looking, too? It’s quite extraordinary, getting to see our baby.”

“I…,” then Ryan took a deep breath and finally looked at the screen, as well. His serious expression melted the second, he saw his baby. “I… wow!” he breathed out with a smiled. “You’re going to be my world,” he told the screen.

Gavin looked at Ryan and smirked. “That’s a big title you put on the baby,” he commented.

Ryan rolled his eyes, then looked back at Gavin. “Our world,” he corrected himself.

Gavin sighed and shook his head, “right.”

Dr. Atkinson, who had been looking at the television screen, look at Ryan and Gavin. “Well, everything seems to be looking normal with the baby. Everything’s right on track for their December due date. Would you like to know the sex of the baby?” she asked.

“I don’t think that will be necessary,” Ryan told her.

“Well, I’d like to know,” Gavin commented.

Ryan shook his head and sighed, “then, let’s hear it,” he relented.

Sex and gender were touchy subjects for Ryan. He didn’t see the importance of know which set of genitals his child had, seeing as his gender identity may not end up matching them. Or the child could end up normal, nobody really knew for sure. He was just glad he got to see his baby as best he could. It only took one look at the child for him to know that everything was going to be alright.

 25 WEEKS

 As the little baby grew within Ryan larger, the child became very active. The kid would constantly be moving around, wiggling and kicking Ryan’s organs around. Ryan had to pee a lot more because his bladder was constant target for kicking practice. The child’s constant movement was starting to keep Ryan awake more, but he still didn’t mind any of it. The beginning of September came, and Ryan was spending most of his time either in the tech room, the bathroom peeing, or snoozing in his room.

Fakehaus members, Bruce and James were visiting the crew one day in mid-September. They were hoping to work out some territory disputes. They decided not to make this a formal meeting, opting to have it in the living room to make it more casual.

Geoff and Bruce sat in chairs facing each other, while Gavin and James sat on the couch in the middle.

“Look, your crew has control over South Los Santos, what more do you want?” Geoff asked.

“South Los Santos is predominantly African American, and we’re kinda a crew of white guys,” James pointed out as he played with his knife.

“How about East Los Santos, then?” Gavin proposed.

“We were actually thinking a bit of upper class stuff. Like maybe parts of Rockford Hills?” Bruce requested.

“I’m not sure that,” Geoff was cut off.

“Ryan, what are you doing!?” Gavin quietly demanded at the larger man quietly walking out and toward the kitchen.

“Sprog’s being rowdy. Figured diet coke might calm him down,” Ryan yawned.    

“Wait, Is that you, Vagabond?” Bruce asked, surprise.

Ryan’s eyes widened as soon as he realized he was being called out. “I…”

“Holy shit Vagabond, you’re huge! what made you blow up like a balloon?” James commented, next.

Ryan took a deep breath. “Don’t worry about it,” he breathed out.

“No seriously, what happened to you?” Bruce pressed.

Ryan scowled. “It’s none of your goddamn business what happened,” he stated firmly.

“If it wasn’t impossible, I’d say you looked preg,”

Before Bruce could finish his statement, Gavin snatched James’s knife away from him and threw it at the wall, getting everyone’s attention. Everyone’s eye grew wide as it embedded itself in the wall. “ENOUGH!” Gavin screeched. Everyone turned to face Gavin. “Vagabond, run back to your room. I will get your diet coke,” he instructed as he stood up. Ryan nodded and did as he was told. “And I believe everyone ELSE was negotiating territory. So, get back to it, yah.” Everyone nodded, nervously, “good.”

He grabbed the diet coke from the kitchen and walked back to Ryan’s room. Ryan was rubbing his stomach, “Ow,” he yelped quietly as the baby continued to kick his insides around.

“Love,” he cooed as he walked over to Ryan. “I brought your diet coke,” he said as he handed Ryan the can. Ryan tried to sit up enough that he could drink. He brought the can to his lips and took a few big gulps. The baby continued to move around and Ryan winced. “Still rambunctious?” he asked. Ryan nodded. Gavin quickly thought of an idea. “I have an idea of something else that might help. May I rub your tummy?” he asked.

“Baby, after a knife throw like that, you can do whatever the fuck you want to me,” Ryan answered in a raspy, attempted sexy, voice. Gavin began to rub Ryan’s stomach and the baby calmed down. “Ooh, yeah.”

Gavin raised an eyebrow as he rubbed Ryan’s stomach, “Ryan are you turned on?”

“Mm, yeah. To tired and fat to act on it. I missed the days when we fucked like savage animals.”

Gavin sighed, “I miss them too.”

“Can’t wait till I have a massive cock for you to bounce on,” Ryan lazily smirked.

“Ryan, you tease,” then, Gavin realized what Ryan had just said and he tilted his head in curiosity. “Wait, you’re still planning on that sex change?”

“Absolutely. This pregnancy is a onetime thing. If we actually want more kids after this one, I gonna have ta freeze my eggs,” he mumbled.

Gavin’s eyes grew wide. “Wait, you can do that!?”

“Yah, did… research…,” Ryan told him as he fell asleep.

Gavin continued to pet Ryan’s baby belly. The door to the room suddenly reopened. “Yo Gav, you coming back or,” Geoff started.

“SSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!” Gavin shushed Geoff and motioned to a sleeping Ryan.

“So, I take that as a no, then?” Geoff asked more quietly this time.

Gavin scowled and grabbed the knife that was sitting on the nightstand next to the bed. He chucked it at the door and Geoff quickly dodged out of the way and slammed the door close. Ryan, who wasn’t completely asleep anymore, smirked. With a partner who was willing to protect him like that, he knew everything was going to be alright.

 34 WEEKS

 Ryan was reaching the point where he tired of what pregnancy was doing to him. First of all, he was tired of being tired all the time. The odd cravings normally wouldn’t have bothered him, but he wasn’t looking forward to all of the excess weight he was going to need to lose.  He was huge because he was pregnant; his stomach protruded a good seven/seven-and-a half inches and could barely walk straight anymore. His bust had grown back to an A-cup and he absolutely hated it. He hated the constant reminder that he was biologically female and he thought he couldn’t wait for this kid to be out of him.

But, there were still a few things he was thankful for about his situation. He was thankful he had a wonderful crew to back him up. Michael was able to offer legitimate fatherly advice, helping his boi on his transition into fatherhood. Geoff wept tears of joy when they showed him ultrasound pic of the little one, saying how proud he was to be a grandfather, no matter how unofficial it was. He was thankful for Gavin, a loving boyfriend and amazing father to be. He waited on Ryan, hand and foot, and comforted Ryan in his hormonal, emotional needs. Not a day passed where Ryan wasn’t given a reason not to be madly in love with him. And as annoying as they were, Ryan was thankful for the child they were going to have. The constant activity was only proof the Ryan that the kid was clearly his and Gavin’s.

At the beginning of November, the crew planned to throw Ryan a baby shower. Gavin thought Ryan would hate the idea at first, but Ryan thought it would be a good excuse to introduce the crew to their child’s godmother. Geoff was slightly bitter about not being named the kid’s godfather, but he was willing to accept it.

The baby shower was being held at a safehouse in Morningwood. Ryan and Gavin were frosting the baby shower cake in the kitchen with Ryan sneaking little tastes of the frosting in between, Michael and Jeremy were tying balloons around the living room, Jack was setting up snacks on a table to the side, and Geoff was turning the cushioned chair in the living room into a thrown fit for a king who happened to be pregnant, complete with a ripped paper crown.

“Ooh,” Ryan whined in pain.

“Oh my gosh, what’s wrong?” Gavin quickly asked.

“Nothing, nothing,” Ryan quickly reassured, “Just a rather painful kick to the bladder. I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” he clarified.

“Need help?”

“I think I can still make it. I still have some use in me,” Ryan replied with a smile. He started to waddle away towards the bathroom.  Gavin smiled fondly as he finished icing the cake on his own.

Five minutes later, the doorbell rang. “Is that an intruder?” Geoff asked, panicked.

“No, no. it’s probably Meg,” Gavin announced as he rushed over to the front door. He checked the front window, then opened the front door with glee. “Meg!” he greeted, happily, as he went in for a hug.

“How are you, Gavy?” she asked as she hugged back.

“Top.”

“Is Ryan inside?”

“Yah. The sprog’s playing kickball with his bladder, again.”

“Daw.”

“Well, would you like to come in or,” Gavin was interrupted be the sounds of guns, cocking. He turned around to see everyone has their guns pointed at the front door. “Guys,” he whined in disappointment.

“Get out of the way, Gavin!” Geoff demanded in anger.

“What are you on about? Why do you have your guns out? Why do you even have them with you!? Ryan told you not to bring them!”

“Don’t you dare let that siren in here,” he instructed, ignoring Gavin.

“She’s not gonna do any harm, she’s just here for the baby shower.”

“Do you really expect us to believe that,” Jack questioned with a scowl on his face.

Meg shrugged, “well, they have me beat because I didn’t bring a gun,” she announced, sheepishly.

“Oh yeah, then what’s in the bag!?” Michael asked, furiously.

“A present… for Mini Meg…”

“Guys, what’s going on? I thought I heard guns cocking and,” Ryan started to ask as he left the bathroom. Then he noticed that everyone had their guns pointed at Gavin and Meg. “OH, COME THE FUCK ON!!! I TOLD YOU PEOPLE NO GUNS!!!!!!!” Ryan shouted angrily.

“But, she’s Dollface and your boyfriend has an apparent hard on for her,” Geoff argued back.

“No, I don’t!” Gavin squawked.

“I have a girlfriend,” Meg added.

“MEG TURNEY IS THE GODMOTHER OF MY CHILD!” Ryan screamed.

“YOU CHOSE A SIREN TO BE YOUR KID’S GODPARENT OVER ME!?” Geoff yelled back.

“THAT’S BECAUSE I’VE KNOWN HER LONGER THAN I’VE KNOWN ANY OF YOU!!!!!”

Gavin ran over to Ryan and started petting his head and rubbing his back. “Calm down, love. High heart rate’s not good for the baby.”

Ryan took a few deep breaths, “sorry, sorry, that was all unnecessary. Meg, please come in.”

“Whatever,” Geoff grumbled.

Meg happily skipped in the room and over to hug Ryan as best she could. “How are you, Rye?”

“Tired, fat, but pretty overall happy,” he answered with a smile.

Then, she placed he hands on both sides of Ryan’s belly, “and how’s Mini Meg?”

“Actually, the name Gavin and I decided on is,” Ryan lowered his voice to make sure only Meg could hear him, “Henry.”

“Henry!” Meg exclaimed. Everyone around the room looked at her in confusion.

Gavin frowned, “Ryan, we were gonna wait to reveal the name until after the ‘sex reveal cake’.”

Ryan shrugged, “sorry,” he apologized, sheepishly.

“You’re having a boy?” Jeremy asked.

“Yah. We were gonna wait until the cake to reveal all that. But after this whole ordeal, we could all use some sweets right about now,” Gavin joked.

The room lit up with laughter. In an instant, all unnecessary conflicts seemed to be forgotten. They could all get back to the fun baby show day they had planned. In that moment, it seemed like everything was going to be alright.

 39 WEEKS

 They were in the home stretch. As excited for having a kid as he was, Ryan could not wait for the kid to be out of him. The pregnancy was becoming very annoying, at this point. His body had been tricking him with Braxton-Hicks contractions since he was seven months along. Of course, he had dealt with the pain of being shot on multiple occasions, so the false contractions were nothing more than an annoying inconvenience.  

As time moved closer to his due date on December 18th, the baby shifted lower on his hips in preparation for birth.  His belly was already the size of a basketball, and this made walking steady even harder for Ryan. Gavin helped Ryan get from point A to point B when he’d let him. Ryan had nearly bit his head off though, when he suggested that Ryan be confined to bed-rest.

On December 11th, the crew had planned on going out for a heist. This heist would be Gavin’s first big heist as crew muscle. Of course, Ryan would be staying back at the penthouse helping with tech. That morning, Gavin helped Ryan to the kitchen. Jack and Jeremy were already sitting at the kitchen eating breakfast.

“Are you sure you want to help with this, today? Because you could go back to bed to rest and nobody would blame you or anythin’,” Gavin attempted to persuade Ryan as he led him to his chair.

“Gav, we got a week left before I’m truly out of commission,” Ryan argued.

“I could stay in,” he started.

“Sweetheart, this may or may not be your only chance at being real crew muscle. I want you to take it, show me how big and strong my boyfriend can be,” Ryan argued, further. Gavin just sighed in response.

Jeremy looked up from his food to see Gavin and Ryan. “Morning, Gav and Rye,” he greeted the two of them. “And you’re looking festively plump today, Ryan,” he joked.

“Jeremy!” Jack scolded as he swatted Jeremy’s arm.

“Ha, jokes on you,” Ryan retorted as he slowly sat down, “I won’t be like this anymore by the time Christmas rolls around.”

Gavin rolled his eyes at the exchange, he was still very excited about the fact that he would be a father soon. “Right, what do you want for breakfast then?” Gavin asked Ryan.

“I’m feeling like… cheesy scrambled eggs.”

Gavin quickly went to the fridge to grab the supplies he needed to make the dish. “Gavin, you can’t cook, you’re going to burn the kitchen down,” Jack pointed out.

“Learned,” Gavin quickly informed him as he cracked two eggs into a pan.

As the rest of the day went by, Ryan felt a contraction every few hours. He was too busy doing tech work on the crew’s heist at Pacific Standard Deposit Bank to notice that the time between each contraction growing shorter. He was directing the crew when another one, a strong one, hit. “You got the money,” he asked.

“Yeah,” Geoff confirmed.

“There’s an exit on the Alta street side that would be a good,” he stopped when the contraction hit and he whined, quietly.

Lindsay looked up when she heard Ryan’s whine, “you alright?” she asked.

“Yeah, strong Braxton-Hicks. Tell Axial to take tech lead for a bit, I’m gonna go splash some water on my face to get my head back in the game,” he replied as he used the table to push himself out of the chair. He waddled to the bathroom and turned on the sink. He splashed water on his face, “get it together, Haywood. You can do this,” he told himself He turned off the sink and started to back to the room went get noticed his pants were all wet from his crotch. He hadn’t thought he’d somehow spilled any water on his crotch, and it quickly dawned on him that he actually hadn’t spilled any sink water. “LINDSAY!!!” he screeched in hopes of getting her attention.

“What?” she asked as she ran in the bathroom. She looked Ryan up and down, and frowned, “did you really just call me in here to show me that you peed yourself when you were three feet away from the toilet?”

“Didn’t… pee myself,” he gritted out.

Lindsay’s eyes met Ryan’s, “Wait, did your water break?” Ryan gave a slight nod to answer her question. “Oh my god, your water broke. Holy shit, you’re going into labor!” Lindsay then ran back to the tech room. Ryan attempted to follow behind her, hoping to make use of the time between contractions. She got into the coms and tapped in so she would only be talking to Gavin. “Goldie, I need you to get out of there,” she informed him.

“Why? Everything’s going fine here,” Gavin asked over the com.

Ryan quickly yanked the com mic away from Lindsay. “YOU WERE RIGHT! YOU WERE ABSOLUTELY FUCKING RIGHT, YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED HERE WITH ME! CAUSE I NEED YOU HERE WITH ME RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!” Ryan screeched.

“Rye,”

“HENRY’S COMING!!!!!!” he finished yelling as another contraction hit.

Gavin dropped everything that he was doing and ran out of the bank. “Where the hell do you think you’re going!?” Geoff yelled after him.

Michael had a feeling he knew why Gavin was running away. “Don’t get caught, Ryan needs you right now!”

Gavin drove back to the penthouse and ran in the front door. “Ryan, I’m here!” he called as he ran in.

Ryan waddled out, clutching his stomach, with Lindsay following behind. “How did you get here?” Ryan asked.

“Drove.”

Ryan groaned and squeezed his eyes shut. “Idiot,” he gritted out.

Gavin smiled, “but, I’m your idiot, love.” And Ryan smiled back sweetly, then, he groaned in pain as another contraction hit.

“Alright, I’ll drive you two to the hospital. Gavin, get changed out of your heist clothes while I get Ryan down to the car,” Lindsay instructed. Gavin quickly nodded and ran to his room.

Lindsay and Ryan got down to the car. Two minutes later, Gavin met them at the car in civilian clothes and they all drove to the hospital. Ryan and Gavin were admitted into a hospital room while Lindsay had to wait in the waiting room. Ryan wailed in pain all night long, yelling that that baby better take his uterus out with him. By the morning of December 12th, Henry Daniel Haywood-Free was born.

Ryan sat up, cradling his baby in his arms, while Gavin leaned up against the bed. Gavin gave his finger to the baby to grab onto and the baby latched onto it. “He’s gorgeous, a right handsome baby,” Gavin cooed.

“Yeah, he sure it,” Ryan agreed, lazily. “He got your nose,” he giggled.

Gavin shook his head and smiled, “sorry, Hen,” he apologized.

“Don’t be sorry. Your big ole’ nose is pretty cute, just like the rest of ya,” Ryan complimented as he began to shut his eyes.

“Daw,” Gavin smiled. “‘e prolly got your gorgeous eyes.”

“He’s… perfect,” Ryan said as he drifted to sleep. Gavin quickly picked up Henry and began to cradle him so Ryan could sleep.

His son yawned in his arms, he was going to be the perfect baby for him and Ryan. Sure, this kid was born into a life of crime, but none of that mattered. Their little family was now complete, and he knew for a fact that everything was going to be alright.

 15 Months Later

 Henry’s first year of life was kinda interesting. Ryan had chosen to go by the name Papa for Henry, while Gavin chose to be called, Dada. He was just as rambunctious as he was when he was in the womb, and that caused a lot of trouble for his parents, but that were still happy that they had him. He had criminals coming from all over the city to care for him, but he was too young to know what being a criminal meant. His godmother would make the finest clothes for him, despite his Dada buying him all the posh baby clothes a baby could ever want. Little Sophie Jones was eager to play with him, even though she was a year and a half older than him. Michael and Gavin joked that it was the next generation of ‘Team Nice Dynamite.’ The world was a big, bright place for Henry.

Ten months after Henry was born, Ryan took Gavin out on a date to La Spada, a nice Italian seafood restaurant. In between dinner and dessert, Ryan got down on one knee and proposed to Gavin. Gavin ecstatically said yes and passionately kissed Ryan. After a hot and heavy, intimate night of more “dessert,” Ryan asked when they should have their wedding, and Gavin said he didn’t want the wedding until Ryan was done recovering from his sex change. Ryan said he hadn’t scheduled one yet, and Gavin handed him a pamphlet for a cosmetic clinic in Liberty City and a note for an appointment reminder. Gavin had found the best clinic for Ryan’s sex change and scheduled the surgery for him. Ryan couldn’t be more in love with Gavin after he did that for him.

Five months after that, Ryan, Gavin, and Henry few up to Liberty City. Ryan was taken into surgery, with Gavin and Henry waiting in the waiting room. After ten hours, Ryan was released from surgery. They went to go check on him and he was fast asleep. They retired to their hotel by the clinic for the night and went back to visit Ryan the next day. The nurses warned Gavin that Ryan may be high from the pain killers. Gavin took Henry up to Ryan room and they saw Ryan blinking, groggily.

“Hey, ya pretty cute,” Ryan complimented Gavin.

“Thank you, Rye,” Gavin smiled back. Henry cooed as if to compliment his Papa.

“Now that I have a dick, I’d fuck ya with it,” he slurred.

Gavin covered Henry’s ears. “Ryan, don’t use that type of language around the baby.”

“Sorry sweetheart, but right now, I’m hiiiiiiiiiigh as balls,” he giggled and reached his arm to point up.

Gavin quickly rushed over to push his arm back down. “No, no. You don’t wat to rip your IV out.”

Ryan’s eye’s drooped as he smiled, fondly. “An ya care ‘bout me too? Think I migh be in love wich ya.”

Gavin snorted. “I should hope so,” he replied with a smile.

“Buh cha can’t tell mah fiancé dat.”

“Ryan, I am your fiancé.

Ryan’s eyes widened in surprise, “Really?”

“Yah, and Henry, here, is your son.”

“He’s beautiful,” Ryan cooed, “An you’re drop dead gorgeous.”

Henry babbled happily, as if to thank his papa for the compliment. “Daw, thank you, Rye-bread,” Gavin thanked as well.

“Love it when ya… call me that…” Ryan mentioned as he fell back asleep.

Gavin and Ryan’s lives were in no way considered normal. They were a gay couple living in a big city. Ryan was an FTM transsexual who had inexplicably gotten knocked up. And on top of all that, they were members of one of the most dangerous criminal crews in Los Santos. Some might assume that life might be hard for the two of them, but for Gavin and Ryan, their life was more than alright. It was perfect.

[ketchupfriesandfireguys]

First of all, I love your blog, bless this blog. Anyway, what kind of headcanons do you have for Grillby? One of mine's is that he can speak but it's very difficult to understand if you're not used to it (and Sans being one of those people that easily understands him--)

I love your blog too; your art is fantastic and I always try to put all your Sansby content I can onto this blog~

Firstly, I love your speech headcanon - I like that a lot, and it explains why he has translators in his restaurant, and why Sans seems to perfectly understand him without the need for his translator bird monster sitting at the bar!  It also makes his relationship with Sans real special, which I am ALL for!

I wrote out Grillby’s literal entire backstory here, but if you’re looking for just headcanons, skip to the last bit under the cut!

I’m going to separate this into sections because I love Grillby and spend too much time thinking about him, lol.  But here are all my headcanons!  Enjoy!

EARLY LIFE

Thanks to @sushinfood and his fantastic voice acting clips (which can be found here, at @sushistreams​, if you’re interested!), I share the headcanon that Grillby was not born, but summoned, in order to train up and fight in the war against humanity.  He did start out young, and he was at first extremely reluctant to fight in the war - he spent a lot of time training to fight, but was prone to tiring easily and becoming overwhelmed with the future responsibility to fight in an inevitable war.

In between intense training sessions, Grillby was taught by Gerson (the shopkeep in Waterfall) and King Asgore how to cook, as a method of diverting any fears he had into a constructive - as opposed to a destructive - manner.  And since then, he had always wanted to open a restaurant one day, after the war had passed, to keep up the morale of his comrades and friends, and to help his people (and himself) heal.  He also wore fake glasses at this time because he thought they made him look older and more mature.  (They didn’t.)

THE WAR

Grillby was deeply affected by his time as a soldier in the war.  Before the war, he was very talkative and could even be kind of goofy sometimes, similar to the way Papyrus jokes around in-game at times.  Smart jokes and passing comments that take a moment to digest before you have to turn away and snicker to yourself.  He was quite popular as well, being friends with a wide range of monsters - including but not limited to the king and queen, the royal scientist, and most of his fellow soldiers.

One monster in particular he was extremely close to was Sans’ mother, Arial, who was the previous leader of the Royal Guard.  Through a series of very unfortunate events, she perished in the war before Sans was born, and Gaster, Sans’ birth father, managed to save his newborn son.  (That’s a whole crazy story in itself that makes like -500% sense, but just roll with it for now.)

Losing Arial, the leader and front line general in the war, took its toll on the entire Royal Guard, and monsters were forced to retreat shortly after that, losing over half of their entire population - they retreated under the mountain and were sealed there, and the war concluded.

EARLY UNDERGROUND

Grillby, once underground, realized he could actually pursue his early dreams to open a restaurant - it took him a very long time to scrape up the money to do so, but he managed to get enough help to get a small, shabby bar set up in Snowdin.  (As for why he chose Snowdin of all places, he wanted to bring some warmth to such a cold part of the Underground.)  It was many years before it was actually running, let alone at all a popular hangout.

After this rough and straining transition, Grillby had a sharp shift in personality due to a severely negative morale of monsterkind as a whole, and was quite negative while not in his restaurant.  He dressed less formally, and while not on the clock, would smoke outside his restaurant.  (I like to think this was sort of a punk phase, and he may or may not have owned a motorcycle.  Might’ve styled his flames into a ponytail.  Definitely fought with the Canine Unit of the Royal Guard.)

MEETING SANS

Grillby met Sans during this not-punk-phase, during a smoke break.  He was not very keen on speaking with many other monsters (unless, of course, he was picking a fight, as noted above), and he mainly spoke in sign language after the war.  Sans, also knowing sign language, introduced himself, and quickly set up a tab at the restaurant, immediately getting on Grillby’s nerves.  Sans kept the tab open, even if just by 1G, in an attempt to rather smugly get to know Grillby a little more...intimately.

They started out as a sort of flirty “we’re not dating, what are you talking about” sort of couple.  Many of Grillby’s regulars took bets on whether or not they would ever actually date, and to absolutely no one’s surprise, Sans stood up on his stool after having probably one ketchup bottle too many and leaned over the counter and stole a smooch from the then-absolutely-flustered-bartender.

DATING SANS

They dated for a while during this time, even if the relationship was more physical than emotional at first.  As they began spending more time with each other, though, they learned more about one another - Grillby began to speak with Sans without signing, and Sans learned to listen a little harder.  Grillby grew to be a lot more formal as his restaurant grew much more successful over the years.

The two of them stayed in a steady relationship for a long time, until Sans suddenly stopped showing during the day, and only came at night, to either get handsy with him or to pass out miserably after getting absolutely wasted.  This, as one would expect, did not fly well with Grillby.

Grillby was the one who broke things off with Sans, but it was only after a lot of rather passive aggressive fighting that they actually did anything about their wreck of a relationship.  Sans didn’t take it very well, as he was dealing with resets at this time and was in a pretty deep depressive state, and Grillby was angry for a while - the kind of quiet angry that just sort of burns in your gut with a constant ache.

AFTERMATH

After the resets stopped, and monsters managed to get to the surface and stay there, Grillby was the very first monster to fully integrate with humans, because he (of course) had to open up a new restaurant.  Monster currency was worth a lot of human currency, and he could open up a nicer place than he ever could have dreamed of while in the Underground.  And, of course, Sans was one of his first customers there too.

They were tense at first, but there were eventual apologies, and they became extremely close after they were finally freaking honest with each other, who would’ve thought?  They began dating again after that, and they’re super dumb and flirty and punny with each other today!

MISCELLANEOUS HEADCANONS

Grillby lives not with Sans, but with Fuku - who is simultaneously like a younger sister and like a therapy dog to him.  Though, Grillby does stay over with Sans very often, and vice versa.

Grillby suffers from PTSD from his time serving in the war, and because of this, he is afraid of thunder and lightning.  Whenever it storms, Sans teleports over to his place and helps Grillby through it.

Grillby will do extremely un-Grillby-ish things, but only if he’s alone with Sans.  (Ex - screaming profanity after whacking his shin on something, telling the occasional Extremely Dirty/Inappropriate Joke, ugly laughing at something that really isn’t all that funny, etc.)

No one believes Sans when he says Grillby does these things.  Absolutely nobody.

Grillby is actually his last name!  His first name is Kindle.

He hates it.

Sans teases him about it all the time.

Grillby’s flames get brighter with stronger happy or angry emotions, and more dim with sad or upset emotions.

He used to cry a lot when he was younger, but he has sort of learned to repress emotions as he got older.  Sans hates this, despite doing this same exact thing himself.

Despite this, he does have big emotions sometimes!  Sans is usually not there to witness them, unless they come in the form of a panic attack.

Frisk calls him “Uncle Grillby” and won’t leave until he’s picked them up and given them a hug and held them on his hip for a minute or two.  Frisk has Grillby absolutely wrapped around their little finger.

On that same note, Grillby usually doesn’t particularly love children.  Frisk is a definite exception to that rule.

Grillby does need his glasses to see - it wasn’t from any particular incident or anything, though, he just needed them as he got older.

Grillby doesn’t have any teeth!

Despite being a chef, Grillby does not eat normal foods.  He tends to eat things that would kindle a fire!

He eats herbs during the holidays to make his restaurant smell like cinnamon or nutmeg.

If he is shirtless, you can see his soul through his body!

OKAY I’M DONE THANK YOU FOR READING

[meganjordyn]

i can’t work until i write this down somewhere

Okay, so I’m trying to do some classwork, and it’s actually getting really hard because I’m mentally blocked from everything except this. 3 months ago I came out to my mom and my sister as bi and trans. They both told me they’d expected that I was gay and that’s it. They said that this was a shock to them. I’m not a particular feminine person, mostly due to the way I was raised, and the desire to be different from my two sisters.

When I came out to my mom, my main goal was to get her stop misgendering me. She never used my name, just “the boy.” Also, she would always separate boys and girls in pictures, even in pictures of her 3 kids, of which two were assigned female at birth. So I started off with “I think I might be trans” and her reply shockingly was “nonbinary or girl?” I didn’t think she knew what nonbinary was, and just thought she’d assume female. To be quite honest, I didn’t realize that I was a girl at the time, just that I was not male. At that point in time, it hadn’t yet clicked in my mind that being masculine isn’t the same thing as being male so I could be a masculine girl if I wanted to do so.

I told her that I wasn’t sure what I was just, that I’m not a boy and that I wished she wouldn’t refer to me as such. She told me she’d try. She then asked if I went to GSA meetings because I’m trans, which I said yes to. After a bit of research asking a friend who is an assistant at a transgender clinic she told me that it was impossible to be trans unless I showed signs of it as a kid such as wearing girls’ clothes or wearing makeup. obviously a misinterpretation of what her friend told her These are all things she very firmly banned me from doing as a child, even though I desperately wanted to. I remember begging her to let me grow out my hair to be like all of my female friends, which she wouldn’t let me do.

After a bit of time, she concluded that I must be fascinated with trans culture, which was causing me to think that I’m trans. She said that the GSA had warped my thinking and made me want to be trans. which is obviously not true because I hate being trans with all of my heart, I just wanted to be accepted as a girl and have the trans part of the label removed. She kept going on and on about how GSA was making me think something that wasn’t true and that if I’m trans, I’d own female clothing already which I’ve wanted her to buy me for a long time, but was going to wait until I came out to do so. When I told her that I’ve finally figured out that I’m 100% female, she didn’t believe me and claimed that it was the GSA twisting my thinking just like she said. 

My sister was completely accepting at first and was willing to support me through my transition, but when she learned that my mom knew too, they started talking. I’m going to assume that during this time, my mom managed to convince my sister that my dysphoria is “just a phase” and that I’m gonna “grow out of it” since my sister started calling me “bro” for the first time after talking to my mom.

My mom has pathological lying tendencies. She told me 

“you can be what you want to be and I’ll support you.”

Another thing she oddly told me was that she’d sign me up for a gender therapist after I came out to my dad because she didn’t like the idea of keeping a secret from him, fair enough. However, she immediately started to backtrack and gave me strings of reasons about why I shouldn’t come out.

1. he always wanted a boy

2. his family is proud of him having a son

3. he’s an immigrant (more on that later)

4. he’s typically accepting of LGBTQIA+ people, but “might not if it’s his own son”

Then a school dance was coming up. I have very strong dysphoria about how I dress and try to always keep things neutral. I wear plain gray shirts with skinny jeans and black sneakers. When the dance was coming up, I was definitely not going to wear a suit. Especially since I only own one suit and it has extra shoulder padding which makes me very uncomfortable with my already broad shoulders. 

What I decided was the best plan of action was to go to a thrift store with my trans male friend and buy some dressy gender-neutral clothes for the dance. I mean, I wasn’t about to wear a tie and I wouldn’t be allowed to buy a dress. The shirt I chose was a purple button-down and I got some black pants that fit better than any of my current pants they weren’t made for wide-hipped people and they were low-waisted, which works well with my tucking and doesn’t leave a baggy bit of cloth down there.

When walking out of the house, I’d expected my dad to be busy, as he told me he would be. Instead, my dad met me at the door to say bye before I left. He immediately noticed the girls shirt (even though I wore a jacket over it so that he wouldn’t notice the seams for breasts). I claimed that I had found it sitting in my closet randomly one day something that genuinely happens a lot and didn’t notice that it was meant for girls. He didn’t buy it.

He was very angry at me the next day and demanded that I leave the school GSA because this was a sign of my confusion in terms of sexuality (i mean it’s gender not sexuality but ok dad). He said that GSA is “just a group of kids who don’t know what they’re doing” and that everyone has confusion about their sexuality during puberty, but this is just further causing us confusion by creating a sense of community around this. In a state of panic I calmly said “I need to tell you, I’ve known that I’m bi for the past 3-4 years.” GSA has helped me more than my therapist has, I’m not about to give this up. 

My dad said that this proves GSA has tainted me, and that even if I was bi, by joining GSA I’m separating myself from straight girls who may want to date me, since nobody would date an LGBTQ+ person. 

To give my dad some credit, he’s an immigrant, and back when he first came to America, he could have been discriminated against for anything he did which wasn’t “mainstream” enough. This caused him to obsessively try to fit into whatever society told him to do and created an obsession with being a “normal American.” In his mind, placing myself into a community of minorities LGBTQIA+ people was causing me to be even more separated from the mainstream and was the opposite of what he’d worked so hard for.

Later that night, my mom came to my room furious with me. She told me two things. One was centered around my clothes. She said that she wears masculine clothing all the time and is okay with it, so I should be too. She criticized the fact that I purchased a men’s button-down 6 months ago for a school dance and now won’t wear it (which she said was proof that GSA was causing me to think I’m trans over time.) She got mad at me because I didn’t go to her first and ask for a woman’s button-down (which she probably wouldn’t have given me, so why would I ask her). She said that I bought a lot of gray shirts and nothing feminine even though the feminine clothing my transguy friend gave me was immediately donated by my mom because 

“you can wear feminine clothing when you have a feminine body, and I don’t see boobs” 

To which I responded that I felt gray was the most neutral color possible since black was too much, and beige is ugly. I’m wearing more white now.

The second thing she told me was that if I’m going to be trans always have been, always will be, it’s not a choice I had to 

“get your shit together because you’re fucked up”

in terms of school and sleep habits which are problems caused by my OCD and depression, literal mental disorders that cause me severe issues during my everyday life. She was telling me that if my older sister 4.0 GPA, got into her dream college wanted to date girls, she’d be okay with that when did this become about my sexuality?. 

“Since you’re not a perfect child, you can’t expect me to accept you.”

My entire willpower has been centered on 

“if I tell my dad that I’m trans, I’ll be able to go to someone who can help me through my transition”

for the past few months, but due to recent events, I no longer have any willpower. Whenever I’m having an anxiety attack about one thing or another, the thing my brain jumps to is 

“you will never be able to transition.”

I’m just so sad. I can barely function. I nearly failed a physics test the other day because I was so lost mentally. Physics is my best class. If someone can help me through this, please contact me soon.

thank you to everyone who was supportive while i was going through this, but I’m getting better now :).