#and now im awake at 6am on a saturday

[ivegotnotime-forfeelingsorry]

I haven't felt

This bad

In a long time

[newtness532]

went to bed at 10, now im awake at 6am on a Saturday

[navire190413]

okay so i know why x-chan is so weird about me. i've been avoiding it because its honestly out of my hands now. he texted me good morning yesterday and we chatted all day long and made plans for this weekend. around 7, i was at the bar and he stopped responding so i figured he fell asleep after getting home from work. wake up this morning and text him good morning and no response. i only get a response around 12 when i ask if he wants to go to a park tonight to play pokemon go. he says he wants to be alone so i ask if he's okay and if something happened that's making him not want to respond.

before i proceed. there's a lot of backstory. right before we broke up i was already in the middle of spiraling because things had been bad between us for awhile at that point, my ocd was at an all time worst. i also got diagnosed with depression on top of it. i was sleeping 20 hours a day. and just fighting with x-chan whenever we did manage to speak. whenever i was awake i was engaging in pretty bad compulsions because i was so anxious about our relationship so it was either a) sleep or b) drink. so i was drinking heavily and started to engage in p unsafe behavior because i wanted to not deal with my ocd and depression anymore. also i had so much self hatred i was basically self harming myself on purpose. this obviously didnt help the fact me and him were already in unsteady waters, and made things way worse. so we broke up.

i kind of just kept self sabotaging from that point on. not going to class, spending like $100 on booze every single night, drinking from 7pm-4am almost every night. it was bad, i am still kind of feeling the effects of it. i had a lot of scary stuff happen to me at that time.

i was so drunk returning home at 6AM one morning that i collapsed a block away from my place (i think. i dont remember), and some random guy literally carried me (i am 178cm and 65kg, not an easy task), all the way to my house with me drunkenly pointing where to go, while he was asking if i was okay the entire time. i remember this much. he brought me to my place and let me open the door with my key while he was still holding me and gently placed me in the entryway and told me to be more careful and shut the door and left. this was extremely dangerous, but thank you to that kind stranger. i woke up the next day with bruises over my entire body and my purse was empty. i dropped my wallet, phone, camera, and airpods in the process. i have an airtag in my wallet and can track my airpods and phone .i woke up 2 hours after getting home and tracked all of my stuff to a nearby police station. the guy who carried me home must have went back and collected everything i dropped and turned it all in for me. i was so hungover filling out those forms at the police station.

i had another instance a few weeks after that where i was drinking at the bar at 5am, drunkenly got into a fight with some younger guy, and he stole my phone. he returned it the next evening and apologized saying he didnt remember anything.

my drinking and behaviour was so bad i had a few friends threaten to cut off our relationship if i continued down that path. luckily i've turned things around a bit since i started my job. i drink everyday but only 2-3 cans and go to the bar mostly only on weekends, and i always catch the last train. im going to a shrine on saturday to pray for support to stop drinking, then gonna actually do my best not to drink on weeknights anymore starting next week. im determined. i used to wake up at 4am everyday to study for 2 hours before going to work. i really want to get to that lifestyle again.

anyway, that's the backstory of where my head was at. the bad thing i did which is why me and x-chan can't get back together, during my self-destruction phase is... about a month after me and x-chan broke up i was drunk walking through ikebukuro station and got nampa'ed. and the guy was cute enough so i said "fuck it", first time for everything. we went and ate ice cream together and then went to a hotel together. okaaaaaaaaaay i slept with a random guy who hit on me in a fucking train station. i've never had a one night stand before this. i dont think its that big of a deal if it was the very first time and will probably be the last. we used protection and i got tested a week later then a month later just to be safe.

the first time me and x-chan reconnected again, we were drunk and he asked if i'd had any guys approach me since we broke up. there were a few innocent invites to dates and stuff which i told him about. but i also told him about going to the hotel with the guy (i cant keep a secret to save my life. so i told him.). and he was piiiissssed. not even jealous, just pissed that he dated someone like me, a woman with 0 value, who can sleep with anyone at any time. he said in that instance he regretted our entire relationship because he thought he knew me but was wrong. but then he invited me back to his place to hook up immediately after this so i dont get it haha. we were friends with benefits for a few weeks and really lovey dovey before he realized he wanted to love me more before he could hook up with me anymore. and thats kind of why we're at where we're at now.

so that's why we're re-building our trust now. so i can prove im not actually a slut who just sleeps with anyone. which is why i dont hangout with my guy friends right now either.

the reason he stopped messaging me yesterday is because he randomly remembered that i had sex with that guy, and it made him realize he cant trust anyone at all so he didnt speak to anyone at all last night or today and isnt planning to for awhile. i asked if i should cancel our date reservation tomorrow, but he said he'll go. he just wants to be alone today. i wonder if he's going to end everything tomorrow or if it'll just go back to how it was before today and yesterday. i have no idea anymore. i know i need to stop. this shit is so stressful. the urge to ask him why he’s pissed i get bitches is strong. but his english isnt good enough to understand that, nor would he find it funny.

i had the worst 6 months of my life and fell into a dark place. i mean its life and it happens to people sometimes, especially when you have ocd and addictive tendencies. but i had multiple people i love tell me im a weak woman with no value anymore because of those 2 months of me self-sabotaging myself. so im living as straight as i can now while still kind of reeling from everything and trying to prove to people that those 2 months dont define me. after i got my work visa and passed n1, everyone told me how amazing i am and not a lot of people can do this, etc. so maybe it changed some peoples' opinion on me. like hey, im not an entire piece of shit. i can still achieve things. im still trying relatively hard. im still studying every single day despite drinking lemon sours while doing so and taking breaks to chain smoke haha.

in other news i found my dream apartment. no idea if they accept foreigners or not, but i want to live there soooo bad. its a good price, and the biggest apartment i've seen at that price, and a 4 minute walk from Ikebukuro station. its a corner apartment so every wall has windows, and a big balcony, and CLOSETS. which is so rare. and the inside is just absolutely beautiful with a bunch of hardwood everywhere. i want it soooooooooo bad.

Im going to the realtor company on sunday to possibly go see it. they're going to check with the owner to see if americans are allowed to apply or not before i go, so if its not okay they have time to prepare some other apartments to show me.

why are people so obsessed with shibuya scramble? i have to cross it everyday and theres always like 50 people with cameras recording it. its just…. a crowd of people crossing the street 😭

an hour after posting this he called me to tell me hes excited for our date tomorrow. so maybe hes getting over it!

[starry-hughes]

https://www.tumblr.com/starry-hughes/742541368158748672/star-im-pregnant-with-my-first-baby-trust-me-im?source=share

first of all, thank you!

And yeah don’t yet bc currently im up on 6am on a Saturday because I am restless and uncomfortable

im awake at 7:36 am because i quote “moved too much” for the man baby in my bed and he went to throw up and has a headache now

[racoonkal]

two cups – (h. sero x fem!reader w/ character flaws)

c: ANGST, so much. also this whole thing is the result of an ambiguous angsty scene that im too lazy to write, making this whole piece very ambiguous and slow paced imo. but as always, enjoy.

sfw // best friends with a slight hint of something more 

it was a Saturday morning

and you felt like shit.

well physically you were fine, but your mind couldn’t stop replaying the events caused by your attitude yesterday.

“oh, piss off. it’s not like anyone pays attention to people like us anyways”

“can you stop being annoying for like—two fucking seconds?”

“i can’t wait to leave everyone in this goddam school.”

you had been a total bitch for reasons you couldn’t decipher. maybe it was your declining grades, or your dick of a teacher, or the fact that your friendships with everyone had been anything but steady these past few months, but regardless, you never intended to snap at Sero.

and now it was 7am on a saturday morning and you felt like you had just kicked an orphan in the nuts. (what a great analogy).

again, you felt bad.

so you tried to compensate. you went for a run during the ripe 6am sunrise.

it didn’t work.

you read a book for an hour while the 7am light shined through the large glass windows of the dorm.

still nothing.

then 8am—you made breakfast

and 9am—you took a shower.

and guess what? you were still a piece of shit.

but then 10am rolled around, and you felt your eyes and conscious start to drift away.

“you are…. unbelievable.”

“you sound just like everyone else, you do realize that, right?”

“this isn’t worth my fucking time. you’re not worth it.”

you strangely found that you couldn’t sleep. there was a monster at your feet, sliding it’s way into your stomach and up your throat. you were going to suffocate in the black pit of tar that was your guilt.

you pushed yourself off your bed (the cushions this particular morning felt like rocks) and dragged your feet out to the hallway. your groggy eyes looked up and focused on something that was outside of your control for the first time that morning. the epitome of your anxiety stared back and smiled. she waved her hand as a sign of “good morning” to you. your stomach was at your feet now, consumed by the monster.

you flashed a lopsided grin and waved back.

“she’s such a two faced bitch.”

“her boyfriend thinks i’m some maniacal, narcissistic, demon. and don’t even get me started on the rest of that friend group”

“i hate everyone at this fucking school. and i’m positive those feelings are mutual, so don’t even give me that ‘everyone loves you’ bullshit cause it a fat lie, Ha-”

correction: you hated almost everyone here.

you escaped the dangerous corridors with your sweatpants and large t-shirt still intact somehow. you stared at the empty kitchen and sighed.

you hated coffee, like absolutely despised it.

so you made coffee. you made more than you could ever drink, and poured the amount between two cups. not evenly, of course. one cup was practically milk and foam. the other maybe had a teaspoon of sugar. it made you want to vomit a little bit.

grabbing the wonky tourist mugs that held both cups of coffee, you walked out the kitchen and to the indoor lounge. you weren’t expecting to stay there very long, but your destination had brought himself to you. he was sitting there, and he—surprisingly—seemed very awake. and now the second cup seemed pointless.

he was never awake before 12am on a weekend.

and right now, he was studying. Hanta Sero, of all people, had an open textbook and papers full of notes littered on the table. and he was by himself.

you had really fucked up.

you sucked up your pride though, like you’d never done before, and started walking, hoping the monster would let you go somewhere along the way.

it didn’t.

you placed the mug on the empty space to his right, but didn’t take a seat. your presence had been replaced with his floppy back-pack in the chair. you couldn’t look at him.

“coffee.” that was painful. coffee was painful for you to say. you were absolutely pathetic. Hanta looked you up and down, subconsciously looking for your angle. he didn’t know what you were doing. that made two of you though. you cleared you throat and shifted to try and regain confidence, but your eyes were fixated on anything below his gaze. “i made extra, and remembered how you’re a freak and actually like the taste of coffee, so here: coffee.” you thought saying the word the second time around would be easier, but it still got caught in you esophagus and made your tongue burn. he looked at the warm cup and then at you.

“why where you…” he started and trailed off (but was most likely going to ask you why you were brewing coffee). an instinctive laugh left the back of his throat before he decided to let you into his thought process again. “you don’t like-” but you cut him off from his statement that would’ve most likely regarded your distaste for the drink.

“just take the the coffee, Hanta.” your eyes squeezed shut at the statement, like it was sour on your gums. “look, i’m a bitch–okay?–and the only way i can apologize is by giving you this shitty coffee i made while i was half-asleep. so just take the coffee.” you rushed your naked expressions out in one breath, hoping he would figure out how awkward this made you. and how terrible you were when it came to waving your white flag.

he tentatively brought the coffee closer to him. you’re not sure what you were expecting. silence, backlash, a rejection even, but not him smiling. it was very small, of course, and you knew it wasn’t meant for you, but it didn’t fail to make your shoulders drop and your breathing to soften.

“can you just... say that again?” he asked with almost defensive mannerisms. to most, this request would seem like Sero was trying to milk your faint-hearted apology, but it was more just from his inability to process your admittance to the fact that you were in the wrong.

“which part? the whole thing?” you asked, preparing to be annoyed if he responded with a yes.

“nah, just the part where you say you’re a bitch.” there he was. you were starting to wonder when Hanta Sero would make an appearance. you scoffed through your nose and a half-hearted smirk flashed over your face.

“i’m a bitch,” you repeated. “i’m the bitchiest bitch there is. and... i’m petty and narcissistic and have never been good at this part,” you motioned back and froth through the space that separated the both of you. whether your hand was referring to your apology to him or the strange and totally romantic tension you and Sero constantly choose to ignore was up for him to decide. “but i want to be. i want to be better,” you clarified. “i don’t know why i’ve been so snappy. it’s not a girl thing or whatever, i’ve just been….” your mind trailed off. 

“if it’s so hard for you to be friends with the both of us just fucking leave already. just go! i don’t give a shit anymore.”

“....i don’t know.” there was no way to conclude or even put into words what you were thinking. but whatever you were expressing was how you truly felt, and it left you completely compromised. 

it was Sero’s move now.

he sighed and pushed himself out of the chair. this monologue of an apology was a sight to behold, but he could tell you felt awful about everything that had happened. at least, that small part in him filled with nothing but the best of him had hoped you did.

you looked up at Sero and realized how you enjoyed talking to him more when you were the only one standing. maybe it was a power thing, or maybe you just enjoyed having his deep brown eyes staring up at you. now the roles were reversed, and you were starting to wonder if he had always towered over you like this.

your eyes darting around his features, you thought you knew him well, but this was disproven from the fact that you had no clue what he was thinking. was this it? would this be the end? 

his arms wrapped under yours and his height was now pressed into you. you hadn’t even realized it yet but you were holding him too, your face in his shoulder and hands gripping to the back of his shirt.

this wasn’t real. he couldn’t be real right now.

“i don’t want to pretend like i understand you,” Sero mumbled into your neck. “but i do care, a lot more than i think you want me to.” he was bashful about that last part. and it was–by anyones standards–embarrassing to care this much for someone who tried to glue you back together with a cup of joe. but he didn’t care, or he didn’t want to care.

you pulled back from his embrace. it didn’t matter that he was the most important person in the world to you, your body still somehow made hugging him in public and awkward thought.

“you’re too good to me, Hanta,” you solemnly respond, your side profile facing him and arms crossed, rubbing your triceps. “i don’t deserve it,” you look at him and force a smile.

“you really don’t sometimes,” he shakes his head and tries to lighten the mood before sitting back down at the table. “you can earn it though by helping me study for this economics test.” he bit his pencil and narrowed in on the pages he desperately wanted to understand. 

you leaned over his shoulder to see the material better and pointed at the areas he should focus on more. he asked questions and you explained, not afraid to correct him when he wasn’t on the right track to getting the answer. but you weren’t as ignorant to the vultures as he was. they would pass by and look at you like you were roadkill. 

“i can’t fucking take it with them anymore! i just cant. they look at me like im a piece of meat–in more ways than one. it won’t be long before... before you start to look at me that way too.”

so you let things happen naturally. it’s crazy to think how the simmering water cooled down so quickly once you stopped texting him first. the day you didn’t walk to class with him like you normally do, the nasty glares ceased to exist. in fact, without Sero, you seemed to be invisible to almost everyone. at one point, even to yourself. of course he noticed your absence in his life and in his messages. but when he texted you it was complete radio silence. he tried to approach you but you’d cut the conversations short or had a some god-awful excuse to leave.

he confided in his winged, meat-eating friends and they told him what they knew. you were weird and unsocial and you were probably still mad at him for something. the details didn’t matter, really. but he started to understand. you didn’t care for him, not really at least. maybe you were just bored or were trying to get a little more than a hug from him. it hurt him to know that version of the truth.

the spacious days, turned into lonely weeks that turned into the rushing months before graduation.

you celebrated on your own, before moving far away to a city no one had ever heard of or had the effort to learn about. your social media died off and became ancient, and eventually, so did you.

and you never had to drink another cup of coffee again.

[tetsuski]

why try?

prologue

pairing : gojo satoru x fem!reader

genre : friends to lovers

warning : cursing (?), slow burn, mention of death

summary : summary : feelings are confusing neither you nor gojo knows how to deal with them. but what will happen if two broken souls fall for each other?

a/n : i rewrite the prologue because i feel like the first version aren't really good to be the first character introduction .

read the first version here

mlist next

what the fuck?

"L/N Y/N WAKE THE FUCK UP!!" you hear a familiar voice shouting and banging against your door it's still 6am on a saturday why would anyone come visit you this early? sitting up from your bed and still trying to process what's going on

"L/n-chan~, i can sense that you're already awake now~" another voice butted in gojo satoru why the fuck is he here? and then the realization hits

shit

you promised your friends you're gonna help them train

you fall back on your bed flipped yourself over and scream into ur pillows not long after you leave your bed and starts to get ready

today marked one year of you being in jujutsu high

it means its been a year of you leaving the world you've ever known behind

almost everything from the past now gone.

you opened up your door looking up to two of your friends "geez what the hell took you so long?" kara asked you "good morning to you too, kara"

kara winston the girl you've known since you were five because she was the child of your mother's closest friends but you both grew apart since your mother's death.

and now here you are living in the same school with here after not seeing her for almost 8 years.

she's strong now her stance are tall she's everything you can never be.

there was never any bad blood between you two you both just simply grew apart.

or so you thought

but that doesn't matter cause right now she's here and you both are closer than ever.

"y/n-chann~ are you not gonna greet me a good morning too? ouch you've wounded my heart" gojo acting like he'soffended with his hands clutching on his chest "good morning, gojo" rolling your eyes.

gojo satoru the first time you met him was when you first step foot into this school it was pretty awkward knowing you were only 15 and he was a bit more cold when you first met.

a year ago

its the first day you came into the jujutsu high

you finally finished unpacking walking outside of your dorm trying to find the exit so your teacher can shows you around the school

but luck is not on your side today cause it was pouring rain and that leaves you stuck in an empty building or so you thought until you heard a faint footsteps echoing through the hallways

what was that?

you see a tall figure from the distance walking towards you.

you wanted to run but your whole body feel frozen its like your feet are stuck on the pavement.

as the figure become closer to you

"AAAHHHH!!" you screamed closing your eyes in fears

and nothing happened

slowly you opening up your eyes expecting something scary but instead you locked eyes with a boy about the same age as you wearing a sunglasses on looking at you confused "why the fuck did you screamed? do i look like a bad guy to you?"

thank fuck you thought to yourself

theres an obvious thick tension in the air "sooo... you come here often?" trying to make a small talk with the boy standing right in front of you "yeah im a student here" he answered dryly looking out to the window "cool cool cool cool" you murmured

you look at his side profile damn this boy is so pretty how can someone looks this pretty ? then someone interrupted your train of thoughts "stop staring at me. what the fuck do you want?" he asked sounding pissed.

you lean in a bit closer holding your own hands behind your back "oh sorry- i didn't mean to- i was just wondering... why are you wearing a sunglasses when its dark out?" tilting your head to the side staring up at him waiting for a reply from the white haired boy.

he felt heat creeping up to his cheeks what the fuck is he feeling? he's not used to this "none of your damn business" he turns around walking away from you making his way towards his own room leaving you all alone in the dark hallway

[blissfali]

Whats up guys. my entire internal clock has been thrown the fuck off because i went to bed at 5pm yesterday and i woke up thinking it was 12pm and then i thought it was 3am but its actually 6am (now 7am) and im doing laundry which inever do at this time in the morning.Im awake at this time on a saturday? didnt have dinner last NIGHT EITHER MY BODY DOESNT KNOW WHAT GOD DAMN TIME IS. IS IT BREAKFAST? IF I GO BACK TO SLEEP IS THAT ANOTHER DAY PASSED? 

[jamqyu]

Every time I post self-deprecation after midnight take a shot.

[sxfterhearts]

aesthetics tag!!

tagged by @flowerbeom​ 💞💞 (thank you kat!! hope you’ve been doing alright 🥰)

rules: bold the aesthetics you relate to and add twenty of your own aesthetic qualities for others to bold

tagging: anyone who wants to do this HAHA (im so late oops)

soft

baby pink | iridescent | glitter is always a good option | no bra | minimalistic tattoos | cherry patterns | sweet scented perfumes | wearing generous amounts of blush | doodling hearts | getting excited to pet an animal | fun nails | rewatching old barbie movies | hair sticking to glossed lips | heart shaped sunglasses | taking pictures of the sunset or sunrise | stuffed animals | protecting nature | stickers everywhere | teen movies | the light rain that falls from a clear sky at the beginning of the night

dark academia

neutral tones | masculine outfits | studying languages | worn down copy of books | grey skies | turtleneck sweaters | loose fitting pants | hair tied with a silk ribbon | trying to remember a cool difficult word you read somewhere to use in a convo | thick belts | minimal makeup | windows fogged by rain | vintage jewelry | blouses with cuffed sleeves | reading a murder mystery and trying to solve it | oxford style shoes | sweater vests | subtitled old movies in a language you don’t speak | leaves crackling as you walk | annotating books to express your emotions about the story

edgy

closet full of dark clothes | fishnet tights | makeup sweating off | neon signs | searching for unknown songs | chokers | band tees | doodling on old converses | finding smoking aesthetically pleasing but not doing it | weird humor | accidentally very dramatic | dim lights | layered outfits | chain belts | chipped nail polish | messy hair | low quality pics | piercings | combat boots | scribbling on desks

seventies

colorful wardrobe | doodling flowers | wearing short shorts | using a bikini top or bra as a normal top | listening to ABBA | flowers in your hair | diy-ing everything | jamming to songs alone in your room | drunkenly telling your friends you love them | patterned bandanas | mid heeled shoes | messy braids | flared sleeves | walking barefoot on grass or sand | bold sunglasses | the good kind of tired you get after doing something you enjoy for hours | feeding stray animals | fun patterned socks | room decorated with succulents and other plants | likes to go roller skating or skateboarding

preppy casual

collared clothes | drinking juice out of a champagne glass | getting excited to see the met gala looks | thick headbands | small pastel cardigans | making your friends take your ootd pics | plaid mini skirts | tweed two pieces | watching reality tv to pass time | frilly tops | watching old hollywood movies | academically driven | long manicured nails | new year’s eve fireworks | colorful tights | layered golden jewelry | yearns for luxury brand items | decorating your room with fairy-lights | cursive and neat handwriting | lace details

cinanamon - steph

gold jewelry, slowdancing in the kitchen with a lover, sun on skin, red-tinted lip balm, lazy mornings, getting lost in foreign cities, scent of bakeries, high-waisted jeans, kissing someone’s neck, writing reminders on your wrist, sleeping in braids to have waves in the morning, growing an herb garden, gentle touches, sketches tucked between pages, flushed cheeks, tandem bikes, floating in a pool, vintage gold hand-mirror, deer grazing, softly singing while doing chores

jaesmintea - dia

oversized everything | painted nails | fairy lights | dozing off in the middle of class | tying hair up into a ponytail | round glasses | laughing so hard you can’t breathe | late night study sessions | tender hand holding | impromptu photoshoots | drowning in moondust | bathing in the light of the sunset | strawberry flavored lollipops | polaroid pictures | eagerly tugging someone down the street | handwritten love letters | smell of coffee | living with reckless abandon | crinkled pages of a journal | replaying the same part in a song over and over

naptimetea - helena

everything black | rewearing your favorite outfit | drawing late into the night | rewatching favorite shows | the bread isle | minty lip balm | falling asleep anywhere and everywhere | making green tea | useless questions when it’s 2 am | forehead kisses | sleeping in till the afternoon | love of pink | staying up to watch the sunrise | dancing in the bathroom | messy handwriting | pile of sketchbooks | talking for hours about interest | old sentimental stuff animals | hanging out on the bed and doing nothing | thick fluffy blankets

jeonginks

the thrill of leaning your body way over a balcony’s edge | the suffocating feeling when the strong wind blows down your lungs | tip-toeing barefoot | hair ruffling and cheek pinching | hugging a body pillow at night | facing the sky with closed eyes | the whimsical silence when it’s past midnight and you’re the only person awake | when you can physically feel your eyes soften when you look at someone | dancing alone with only an oversized shirt | when your sweater falls over your thighs as you stand up | humming scary but memorable lullabies | vivid imagination | w-sitting with a mini skirt and thigh high socks | heated laptop on your lap | cereal at 3 am | gliding your fingers across your thighs | bittersweet melancholy | withdrawn and distant eyes | very tight belts | wanting love but not believing in it | not cruel but not kind

scxrlettwxtches

listening to a song and remembering the times you used to listen to it on repeat | imagining yourself living in any other life than the one you have now | crop tops and high waisted jeans | forgetting to smile but not actually being upset | nuzzling your face in the crook of their neck | back hugs when you’re stressed | turning in assignments 1 minute before they’re due | wanting a relationship but getting scared the moment you’re in one | pretending that you don’t care when inside you’re burning with doubts and fears | the sound of the evening waves as you lie on the sand | lying in your bed listening to your sad playlist | exhaustion but you can’t sleep | singing loudly when you’re the only one home | feeling safe and comfortable with that person in your life | knee high suede black boots with your black winter coat | comfort over appearance | writing essays at 2 am | creative peak from 1 am to 4 am | the one that always ends up walking in the back of a friend group

hyunsracha - sav!

split-dye hair | female rappers | staying up until 6am and sleeping until 1pm | taking notes on an ipad | middle school emo music | mini skirts | late night drives | rain on the ocean | flirting with people when you’re bored | doc martens | eating ramen in the pot | afraid of being looked at | fishnets | getting joy out of making people laugh | small tattoos | crying yourself to sleep | peppermint everything | desperate for freedom | chipped black nail polish

lveletters

well-worn converse | ginger ice cream | farmers’ markets | amaretto in coffee | the sound of pen on paper | empty mountain trails | black and white photographs | vintage bicycles | roads trips with no destination | overfilled bookcases | a shoebox full of ticket stubs | granny smith apples | orange gerbera daisies | cardigan sweaters | games that tell a story | red wine in a mason jar | succulent gardens | tattoos of birds | fresh-baked muffins | a favorite pair of jeans

dnceracha - sydni

black chelsea boots | chapped lips | browline glasses | losing yourself in video games | impressionist art | pink peonies | writing down anything you need to remember | the smell of gasoline | business goth style | dangly earrings | florals | ballet flats | cuffed jeans | liking the villain | a stack of journals | generous amounts of highlighter | knives | rain on a tin roof | heavy footsteps | small-town diners

bamshine - sae

chunky black boots | not realizing you’ve been writing for hours | soft dog fur under your hand | the loud gathering of friends after an exhausting dance class | bubble tea | casual touches between friends | beach trips | airports late at night or early in the morning | coming home from travel and finally being in your own bed | leaves crunching under your foot | shopping for groceries with christmas music on the radio | loud family gatherings over a pizza | succulents | goofy singing and dancing with friends | getting so into a book you do nothing else all day except read | cool summer evenings around a bonfire | apple cider | the scent of vanilla | selfies with friends | the sting of a new tattoo

jjinyounf - cres

ocean breezes | moonlight/sunlight through clouds | sweatpants and baggy tees | empty journals | stud earrings | messy bedroom | thought-provoking movies | apple cinnamon | hot, but not sticky weather | chill big dogs | mixing flavoured vodka with ice cream | playing songs at full blast in the shower | quiet corners | the sound of bacon while it cooks | loud thoughts but quiet words | staying in bed until the absolute last second | mid-calf boots in the winter, flip flops in the summer, sneakers every other time | mental breakdowns doing anything academic-related | madras shawls | the colour combo of red, black, gold, and white

flowerbeom - kat

polaroids | saying hello to the moon | buying more books that you can read | lo-fi playlists to fill the emptiness | baking bread of saturdays | playing the same song over and over until you learn the lyrics/vocal runs perfectly | milk tea | booping your cat’s nose with your nose | keeping a stash of that one perfect pen | being the quiet listener in conversation but always has a great story to tell | sneakers over everything | watching the sunrise through cracked open blinds | leather and patchouli candles | freshly cooked rice | finding the perfect word to describe something | the crunch and squeak of walking on freshly fallen snow | writing “hello” on foggy windows | strolling through ancient forests and feeling small | kissed on bare shoulders | falling asleep to the sound of rain

sxfterhearts - rach

espresso dripping onto a cup of milk | taking pictures of food before eating | drunk karaoke | bangs | travel journals | writing out your favourite lyrics | sentimental playlists on sad days | sending multiple long texts in quick succession | white clouds and blue skies | watching the moon from your bedroom window | cafe vlogs | glittery pink eyeshadows | mailing postcards to yourself | pastel flower bouquets | baking as therapy | the feeling of strikingly cold air on your cheeks | ink stains on your fingers | intimate late night conversations in the car after a night out | writing and daydreaming to escape reality

[svucarisiaddict]

can you do a nick one where the reader is a detective and she ends up in a hostage situation and the hostage taker puts the gun to her head and says something like “you love her. Don’t you?” To nick and he has to admit it

//This is so long! Sorry! I’m talking 2500+words…I get a bit carried away sometimes//

Soft light started filtering through the curtains waking you from your peaceful slumber. A heavy arm was over your body holding you in place which was fine and dandy with you. Mornings like this were few and far between for you and Nick so you were relishing every second.

“You awake?” Nick mumbled as he nuzzled his nose in your hair. His hand skimmed down your bare thigh. “Cause if your not. I’m about to give you a very rude awakening.”

“Hmmm…just how rude?” You shifted your hips to press back into Nick.

“Obscenely rude,” he replied.

“Oh, how I love Saturdays.”

Nick peppered kisses on your shoulder and down your arm while his hand traveled over your belly slowly making his way to the juncture between your thighs. Nick’s phone rang and buzzed on the nightstand. He groaned as he rolled away from you to answer. “Amaro. Got it Liv. I’ll be there in 20. No. It’s okay. I’ll call her. See ya.”

“How bad?” you asked as you sat on the side of the bed before standing and wrapping the sheet around you.

“Bad bad,” Nick answered. “Rape, homicide and hostage situation.” He pulled on his boxers and started redressing.

“Jesus. Guess that answers my next question about a shower. What time is it anyway?”

“Uh, just after 6am. You finish getting dressed. I’ll get the coffee going.” He rounded to your side of the bed and kissed your cheek. “Good morning by the way, .”

“It would’ve been a lot better if Liv hadn’t have called,” you grumbled.

Thirty minutes later you and Nick rolled up to the scene. Liv and Carisi were already there and Fin was pulling up at the same time as you.

“Mornin’ guys. Didn’t you wear that suit yesterday, Amaro? Dry cleaners closed or somthin’?” He smirked.

You hid a grin behind your coffee cup. Fin knew about you and Nick but put on that he didn’t. You had a pretty great partner in Fin. Usually, Nick had an extra suit at your place. Unfortunately, the suit he had on was extra from when he stayed the previous night.

Nick nodded his head. “Yeah. Something like that.”

The three of you reached Liv and Carisi to get a briefing on the situation at hand. She gave you a quick rundown. A man followed his ex and her new boyfriend home. Raped her, killed the new boyfriend and was now holding her and her roommate hostage.

“Hey, Nick. Is that the same suit from yesterday?” Sonny asked as the group walked to the mobile command.

“Shut up, Carisi,” Nick said.

“Sorry, Sarge,” Sonny replied.

Liv eyed you and Nick but didn’t comment. “Well now that we’ve all acknowledged that Nick is wearing the same suit he did yesterday can we please get back to the case?” She gave pointed looks to you and Nick. “Okay, guys name is Jake Malone.”

Your ears perked at the name. “The hostage taker? He early 30’s, tall, red hair?” you asked.

“Think you know him?” Fin asked.

“Possibly. An old roommate had a brother by that name. Probably a coincidence,” you concluded.

“Here is his picture,” Liv said as she passed you the tablet she had in he hand.

“It is him. Holy shit,” you mumbled. Something in his eyes was different. He was always happy, the life of the party, his eyes bright, but now they just looked sad. “Has anyone made contact with him?”

“Just one phone call from the negotiator but he hung up,” Liv informed you.

“Let me talk to him. Maybe if it’s someone he knows he’ll be more open to talking,” you suggested.

“You’re not going in there,” Nick blurted out. “Too dangerous. Even more so because he knows you.”

Everyone’s eyebrows shot up in surprise at Nick’s outburst. Except for you. Right now you were shooting him daggers. Smooth, Nick. Real smooth. “Who do you think you are? Last I checked I could make my own decisions,” you snapped.

Nick pointed a finger in the air at you. “I’m your sergeant and your-” Nick stopped his speech right before he outed the two of you the squad, half the ESU and negotiations. “I’ll go. I doubt he wants to talk to a woman right now since he feels like he was screwed over by one.”

“You may be my sergeant but Liv has final say.” Crossing your hand over your chest you turned your attention to her. “So. Do you think I can handle it?”

She stood silent for a moment no doubt replaying the interaction that you and Nick just had. Liv looked between you and Nick. “Get your vest on,” she directed you.

“Your alpha male is showing,” you said in passing. You made it a point to shoulder check him.

“Really mature,” he mumbled.

“Fin you stay close to her, but out of sight,” Liv ordered.

“On it,” Fin replied. He jogged to catch up with you. “Trouble in paradise?” he asked you.

You looked around to be sure no one could hear you. “It’s like all of a sudden he sees me like some fragile porcelain doll,” you answered. “Drives me nuts.”

“He sees as more than a fellow cop now. The dynamic of your relationship has changed. Nick has always been protective but now that you two are…well together that protectiveness just went into overdrive,” Fin explained.

“You ready? We got him on the phone.” The negotiator said.

You nodded and took the phone as he passed it to you. “Jake? It’s Y/F/N Y/L/N. I’d like to come up and talk with you if that’s okay?” He repeated your name then was silent. He finally agreed but only without a gun and you had to come alone. “That’s not a problem, Jake. I’m giving my gun to my partner right now.” You unholstered your gun handing it over to Fin.

When Nick saw what you were doing he shook his head and started stalking toward you. You halted him with one look. He clenched his jaw but stayed put.

The walk up the five flights of stairs felt like it took forever. When you reached the apartment you rapped on the door. A woman opened the door with the chain attached. “I’m Y/N.” The door closed and you heard the chain slide open. You were ushered in quickly. The woman that opened the seemed unharmed physically but she was terrified. Her eyes were big as she opened the door. “What’s your name?” you asked the brunette.

“Tori,” she said.

“It’s okay, Tori. I’m gonna get you out of here,” you said in a calm voice.

Holding your hands up you made eye contact with Jake. It had been a couple years that you had seen him. His eyes were haunted.

He blinked rapidly and shook his head. “Y/N? I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did it,” he said in a shaky voice. His arm was around her neck with a gun pushed to her head.

“Cause you’re a psycho. I should have known as soon as we started dating,” the blonde said. Must be the ex, Mandy.

This was your opportunity, a little role reversal. “Okay, Mandy. What did you do him?”

The look she gave you could kill. After a beat, she understood what you were trying to do. “I-I had a miscarriage, cheated on him,” she stammered.  “I’m so sorry, Jake. It was wrong.”

“Too late for apologies. Our baby is gone. Maybe you should have thought about that before you became a slut,” he spat.

“I’m sorry you have to go through that. That was a horrible thing to do,” you empathized.

He lowered the gun. “I just want to be happy again,” he said.

“I know you do. What you went through, I can’t imagine.” You bite your bottom lip then took a deep breath. “Why don’t let these two go. So we can sit and talk,” you suggested.

His phone started ringing. “That will be my lieutenant. She wants to help get everyone out safely,” you stated.

He never broke eye contact with you as he answered the phone. “Hello? They’re fine. No. No. I won’t do that.” He took a deep breath then pushed on the screen of the phone setting it on a nearby table. “Tell him you are okay. He doesn’t believe me.”

“This is Sargeant Amaro. How is everyone?”

Fucking Nick. “We’re fine, Sergeant. Jake is calm. We’re talking.” The other women chimed in saying they were fine. “We were talking. Jake is going to let Tori go. Right, Jake?”

Jake put his hand to his head. “I dunno.”

“If you cooperate with them, they work with you, Jake,” you reminded him.

“Go. Fucking go.”

“Tori. Head out, slowly.” She nodded her head in acknowledgment. You breathed a sigh of relief when she got out the door. “Tori is coming down now.”

“Thank you-” Nick was saying but Jake ended the call.

Mandy tried to squirm out of his grasp. “Not you,” he said and tightened his arm around her neck.

“Please, Jake. I’m sorry. I-I want to come back. I was stupid-” she begged before she was cut off by Jake.

“You really think I want you back? A cheating whore?” he said with disgust. “I want someone that will stay loyal, honest…”

You knew ESU had cameras, mics, snipers in place by this time. It’s what I want too. Hard to find it these days. Seems all anyone wants is a roll in the hay, then see ya later.”

Jake eyed you skeptically. “Yeah. Or they act like they want to be with you but don’t actually make the commitment.”

You smiled. “You really seem to get me. Why didn’t we talk more when I and your sister were roommates?”

He actually gave you a smile. “I was too shy. You were older and just seemed out of my league.” Jake started loosening his grip on Mandy. “Do-do you have a boyfriend?”

“I really wouldn’t call him that,” you scoffed. “Probably using me like every other man has. Guess I’ll take what I can get. It’s really all I deserve.” Looking up at him through your lashes you said, “makes me wonder if there are any good guys left out there.”

“Those are boys. Men don’t treat women like that,” Jake stated. “You deserve better than whoever it is you’re with right now.”

“You’re right.” Taking a couple cautious steps toward Jake you said, “let Mandy go. Me and you, we need to be alone. Talk.”

The phone rang again. “Answer it,” he directed. “On speaker.”

Slowly you reached for the phone. “This is Detective Y/L/N.”

“This is Lieutenant Benson. Is Jake able to talk?” she asked.

“He’s here, Liv.” You nodded at Jake.

“Hello?” he said.

“I want to thank you for letting Tori go. What can we do for you?”

Jake looked to you. “It’s okay. Liv is a good person. She’ll help you,” you insisted.

“Nothing you can give me,” he said.

“How about you let Mandy go? We’ll help you get out safe,” she offered.

“I can stay with him. He doesn’t want to be alone,” you said. You could hear Nick in the background swearing and saying no way. Liv covered the speaker to block Nick. Once he had either calmed down or moved away she came back on the phone.

“Can you do that? Can you let Mandy go and Y/N can stay?” Liv asked.

Jake furrowed his brow. The hand holding the gun clenched around the handle and released. He was contemplating his choices. Jake nodded quickly.

You let out breath you didn’t know you were holding. “Liv? Mandy is on her way.”

“Great. That’s great, Jake. Thank you for working with us,” Liv said.

Mandy slowly slipped out of Jake’s arm. She cautiously walked to the door, her eyes flicking from you back to Jake. You heard the door the door open then click shut in short succession. Just you and Jake. Your mind raced with thoughts of how you were going to get out of this one. “Why don’t we sit?” you said.

Jake took a seat on the couch then gestured you to join him. “Tell me. This guy you’re with, do you work with him?”

“I do. Which was a bad decision right out of the block. I thought he may be different but…” you sighed. The things you were telling Jake were real feelings. Fin tried to talk you out of getting involved. But by the time he had found out you were in too deep with Nick. The scary part was you had fallen in love with Nick months ago.

“You love him?” he asked.

It wasn’t a question you had expected. “Yeah. Pretty sure he doesn’t feel the same. Unrequited love has to be one of the worst feelings in the world.”

A commotion at the door startled both you and Jake. Nick came busting through the door. Jake grabbed you and put the gun at your side. “Who the hell are you?” he screamed.

“Sargeant Amaro. Put the gun down, Jake!” Nick warned. He turned his eyes to you, clearly afraid. He mouthed “I’m sorry.”

“It’s you. Isn’t it? The one that has been playing Y/N,” Jake challenged.

“I’m not playing her. I love her,” Nick said softly. His eyes shifted to yours.

The next thing you knew Jake was on the floor holding his knee. The sniper finally had a clean shot. Nick rushed over and kicked the gun from Jake’s reach. ESU burst through the doors as Nick was cuffing him. Once he was taken out of the apartment by ESU it was just you and Nick.

Nick took your hand to lead you out the door. “Let’s get you checked out by the EMT’s”

“I’m fine-”

Nick sighed then mumbled. “Can’t you ever do anything you’re told?”

“Now what fun would that be?” you joked.

Nick waited for you until you got the all clear from the paramedics. He put his arm around your shoulders as you walked to the car. “I want to talk about earlier when I said I love you-”

“It’s okay, Nick. I know you said it because there was a gun held on me,” you gave him a tight smile. “I get it. Going through a divorce-”

Nick stopped and grasped your shoulders. “I love you, Y/N,” Nick interrupted you this time. He didn’t give you time to say anything as he leaned over and kissed you. Like a reflex, his arms encircled your body and yours wrapped around his neck.

Cheers, claps, and whistling made the two of you stop and giggle. When you turned Liv was the first person you saw. She had her fingers between her lips eliciting a high pitched whistle.

“Bout time!” Fin called.

Sonny was clapping and smiling wide.

“I think we have everyone’s approval,” Nick said with a beaming smile.

“Seems so.” You put your hand on Nick’s chest. “ I love you too, Nick.” This time you stood on tiptoe to give him a kiss much to the delight of the audience.

[readfelice-blog]

moominland chronicles Sechszehn: bloody tale of woe continued

Sunday, Monday, Happy Days,

Tuesday, Wednesday, Happy Days,

Thursday, Friday, Happy Days,

The weekend comes, my cycle hums

Ready to race to you

These days are ours

Happy and free. (Oh Happy Days)

These days are ours

Share them with me.(Oh baby)

Goodbye grey sky, hello blue,

there's nothing can hold me when I hold you.

feels so right you can't be wrong,

rockin' and rollin' all week long.

Saturday, what a day

Groovin' all week with you

It’s Wednesday // now its Sunday (I couldn’t finish this on Wednesday, it was still to close).

First off I’m asking for money, I will go into more depth next week because I’m facing the crisis of what the value of my work really is, for now this is my Crowdfunding campaign:

https://igg.me/at/bocemachtocho/x/19564227

Please support if you can.

Music….

Just listen to these, they’re both little slices of genius that deserve your time:

LYDIA LUNCH Queen of Siam

https://www.discogs.com/Lydia-Lunch-Queen-Of-Siam/release/392276

NICOLAS JAAR Hardcore Ambient Mix

https://soundcloud.com/otherpeoplerecords/nicolas-jaar-harcore-ambient …

Here’s the recap and then what happened next on my fine romp through the German Health service…

MONDAY 1/10/18

bleeding

First clot plops out, come into contact with rude receptionists, no one will give me an appointment

TUESDAY 2/10/18

bleeding

Horrible morning cleaning, go to TK and sort my insurance, go to emergency doctor who tells me to go to a gynaecologist

WEDNESDAY 3/10/18

bleeding

Home all day making work, have a little singsong at night. (national holiday - no doctors open)

THURSDAY 4/10/18

Bleeding

Go to job, go to gynaecologist who's not there / will be going on holiday, ring more rude receptionists, fall into the office of a gynaecologists pleading for help, take my pants off, get ultrasound spy dildo inserted up me, bleed all over the doctor. Am told I am pregnant, am told I am not pregnant, am told to go to hospital and go to my insurance. Go to my insurance, get my letter, wander round seemingly abandoned hospital, go home broken.

Oh, ask for help- email my boss / mentor and tell her what’s going on. Email all my clients and cancel all my jobs for the next week.

FRIDAY 5/10/18

Bleeding

Wake up and get a taxi to hospital.

Beg to be seen by someone.

Female gynaecologist sees me this time - take my pants off, get ultrasound spy dildo inserted up me and am roughly routed around in with alarming metal objects and no warning that it will hurt or being asked whether I am in pain. Am told it’s not a baby its a polyp, am scheduled for surgery, spend 2 hours filling in forms, waiting, am given appointment for 9.30am Monday morning and turfed out. Leave, realise I can’t get the note from my doctor (they’re all closed) I need before the weekend, go back, cry at admin assistant, have minor breakdown, am settled and sent away.

Sit shakily on bench in small square by U Bahn on the grounds of the hospital, talk to Moon, go home, tuck myself in and bleed.

My mentor says she’ll come to see me at the hospital, what do I like to eat (I have to stay overnight).

SATURDAY 6/10/18

Bleeding

Move very little, bleed very much, buy some food.

SUNDAY 7/10/18

Bleeding

Much like Saturday but I write and publish my blog.

My mentor asks me what time to come see me.

First wave of friends that read blog get in contact,

“Felice ….. now im sneakily reading your bloody ( literally bloody this time) blog to find out whats actually happening with you. I hope you´re okay!, and if you ever do ask for help I will do my best to help you.”

MONDAY 8/10/18

Bleeding

Get up 6AM, have shower very slowly, am in a lot of pain (its worst in the morning), sit outside my house and wait for Taxi, get taxi, tell the driver I miss free healthcare, he tells me he misses his family in Istanbul. Am deposited outside doctors (to ask for note), wait for 20 mins to get slip of paper and give the receptionist a hug.

Get another uber to Hospital, he leaves me at the gates and I walk to the Frauen Klinik, not sure of where to go I wait at registration then am directed up to my ward and power off with 45 minutes till my surgery, the admin assistant tells me “alles gut”.

Up at station 35, the nurses are friendly, I go to another registration office, back to wait in overcrowded little patient room, fill in a tome of forms in German using the camera on Google Translate to try make sense of them, hand back the forms and slyly observe the small Russian family to my right, the son talks expansively, the mother is softly spread from middle age and fairly tethered to the father, she beckons him to join her but he’s brittle and stands by the window instead, I don’t know what's wrong with her.

30 minutes after my scheduled surgery, 10am, then 45, I am called in to a nurses office where she tell’s me, as if I should know, I’ve been rescheduled for 12:50, she's nice and she tries to speak English, she asks what becomes some kind of pass code,

“Have you eaten on drunk anything today? Do you have any allergies?”

The nurse will take you to your room now, but go back and wait first.

I encounter a gorgeous young elfin nurse and ask if I can go a cigarette on my way to the patient room, where more people are piled in now, she says yes 5 minutes, I promise thats what I’ll do.

Inhale cigarette run back upstairs.

She’s there again, she didn’t know I was scheduled for surgery! Tell them when they take you to your room, just in case.

I stand in the corridor for 20 mins, there is nowhere to sit in the patient room.

A nurse comes and deposits me in my room, it's like places I’ve stayed in generic expansive hotels, a Holiday Inn perhaps, charge my phone, hug my pig because of course I brought him. A nurse enters roughly 30 mins later and tells me to change, its the young elfin nurse, I bundle my things in the cupboard and lock the door, give her the key. Then I change and wait.

In comes another nurse, high cheekbones and a wide smile, I climb into bed but manage to get her to listen to me when I say I’ve had a cigarette, a gasp, she calls down to surgery, a moment where I’m not sure if they’ll operate, but its ok and off we go. I am wheeled to the lift, she touches my shoulder often, she's forgotten all her notes and runs back to the room leaving me lying by the lift, she comes back, still no notes, they’re under my pillow. We continue.

It's like a hospital drama from first person perspective, I’m scared, I’ve never been wheeled around in a bed before, the viewpoint is totally new and robs you of all your independence, I am just a body, unable to move, looking up at the people that flash in and out on my journey down to surgery.

“Have you eaten anything today? Do you have any allergies?” Repeated over and over again, I tell my surgeon I’m not sure sure how much I love Berlin after the last week, I tell the man that doesn’t introduce himself to me and has a strange smile on his face that makes me feel uncomfortable, that I’ve lived here for 6 months, I repeat “No I’ve not eaten anything, No I don’t have any allergies, I’m wheeled next to the operating table, my clothes are removed, a drip is stuck inside me and I’m given a mask, I precariously climb onto the table and then nothing….

I wake up blearily, to be told there was no polyp, its low estrogen, blinking, moments of consciousness, they explain what’s wrong me, or not in this case because they don’t know, there was a lot of blood, I feel like it’s my fault. I ask for the blood clots they’re removed, because I want to see them, but they’re never brought to me.

My nurse takes me back to my room, there’s another woman there now, I’m so frustrated that after an hour or so of sleep I stubbornly dress and go for a smoke, despite the head nurse on the ward saying “if you pass out, I’m not coming down to collect you.”

Then back up, more sleep, my rose quartz angel (mentor, but this is her true form) comes to visit, she brings lilies and salted chocolate, I tell her they didn’t find anything, I am still bleeding, now in my hospital pants rather than my own knickers. She leaves when the nurses bring in dinner, 2 slices of stale bread, 2 slices of plastic cheese, 4 patties of butter, cheese, to be honest I’m not sure. I eat them but am glad I have the chocolate to.

I’m still high on the drugs they’ve given me, I buzz up and down for cigarettes and feel strangely lucid, I text and read the books the rose quartz angel brought me, I try and pretend to myself that it’s all ok now.

My roommate is Russian, she speaks in German or Russian on her phone constantly, but she does not understand English, so we don’t talk. At 21:30 the head nurse administers pain killers and offers to freshen my back “no thanks” then my roommate turns off her light, so I do the same.

But I can’t sleep, so I just toss and turn, 2 hours or so later I wake and patter off to the kitchen to look for food, I’m starving, I find a container of muesli and some milk, I sneakily pour it in a cup alongside a cup of soup, then I craftily return to my room feeling like I’ve subverted the system somehow. The water isn’t hot enough for the cup of soup to melt so there’s fatty globs of it still in the cup, I eat everything anyway, in the dark, then I try to sleep. Another few hours and I manage some shut eye, my body is craving touch from another though, it’s desperately shouting at me.

Good Omens is funny isn’t it?

Eartheater has played and is now probably at some hedonistic afterparty.

TUESDAY 8/10/18

Bleeding

My roommate wakes before me, but I’m half awake, people come in and out (nurses to attend to her requests), she talks on the phone, at 9:00 they wheel in breakfast, 2 slices of stale bread, a piece of plastic cheese and more patties of butter, plus some questionable conserves.

This bread is tough.

A doctor comes in whilst breakfast is still at my side table,

“So you can go whenever you want, we told you what's wrong with you right?”

“When I was high on the drugs you’d given me yes.”

“It’s a hormonal imbalance, you need to go see your gynaecologist so they can give you the IUD.”

“Ok.”

There was no polyp, or alien baby, but I wasn’t conscious so how do I know.

I pack up and exit like a rockstar, but maybe the kind of rockstar your dad becomes at a disco after a few beers rather than Iggy Pop. Before I exit the hospital completely I go see the admin team about my insurance one last time, to ask if I have to call my insurance, because apparently this little hospital holiday will likely cost up to 30k, the woman tells me its ok and I give her a big hug, lilies still in hand, then I dance down to the street, I must still be high on drugs.

i sidestep to the office of the woman I cried at on Friday, because it wasn't her fault so I drew her my lilies to say sorry, she doesn’t have her flowery crocs on today but she's still oddly special and her eyes are crystalline as I run off.

But I’m still bleeding.

I go home on the U Bahn, via the gynaecologists I’ve now crashed into 3 times this week, but my welcome isn’t so warm this time. I need to see the doctor, maybe not today but this week, I hand them my referral note and my operation notes, she goes to talk to him. I get the impression I’m becoming an annoyance now, as if this is all my fault.

“He can see you in 10 days”

“I haven’t stopped bleeding, I need it to be sooner than that.”

She is still kind faced as she ponders this, “ok Thursday morning 8:30?”

“Thats my birthday but yes.”

I finally get home after making some heady announcements via email and facebook that all is right with the world again (drugs still? Who knows).

My rose quartz angel brings me a ton of leafy greens, soups, nuts, tea, yoghurt, chocolate, the care package from heaven and she sits in my little yellow kitchen briefly not drinking her tea.

“So did they take hormonal tests if they think its hormones?

Are you not scared?

I don’t think you should go back to this doctor, I think you need a second opinion and I think he’s a tool, get some more contacts and I’ll do a call round for you tomorrow, see what I can find.”

She had botched surgery before she moved to Berlin, there’s a hole in her mouth now, she called and emailed surgeons all over the world to consult with. She sat opposite a friend of the surgeons, another surgeon, who told her that her investigation could ruin his friends reputation, he didn’t give his opinion.

Doctors are humans to.

After she leaves I’m thrown back in to a land of exasperated worry, I trawl the internet to find more English speaking gynaecologists, I phone the doctor that discharged me, who is not happy to hear from me and through gritted teeth tells me there are no hormone tests, any medical professional would just know that it was an imbalance.

I go to bed worried, the bleeding is getting heavier again.

WEDNESDAY 10/10/18

Bleeding

After a very goog nights rest I receive a call from my rose quartz angel, shes got me an appointment way out at templehof in 2 hours. I dress and get ready slowly, all the connections are seamless, I feel like my angel is with me, I get to the doctors in good time.

Walking through the leafy grounds of the hospital with crisp autumn sun shimmering through the leaves that are a spectrum of warm colours. Not in a panic because my rose quartz angel has sent me a map as well. I walk in exactly on time, have a little tussle with the receptionist about my insurance card, am seated, wait on a white wicker chair reading Alan Watts. The waiting room is airy and feminine, the staff wear pink t-shirts and German pop echoes out from the speaker just to my right above me, I pour myself water and have a little cup of tea.

When my doctor comes out I look at her for 5 minutes before registering she's asking for my name.

Then I repeat my bloody tale of woe to her.

She doesn’t want to just bung me up with an IUD, it will cost me 300euros to do so (or there around) and it won’t solve the problem. She wants to have a look in my uterus as well, so I climb on to her chair and have the spy dildo inserted up me for the 3rd time in the last 7 days, but shes gentle, she tells me it might hurt and to let her know if I’m in pain.

“Well they did a good job of cleaning you out at least because there’s nothing in there now.”

Clothes back on, my ovaries look fine, she’s going to check with her senior doctor to see what he thinks.

I’m back in the waiting room, then in her office.

“So, pills to clot the blood and stop you bleeding. You don’t have to go on the pill, what do you think?”

“I think I want to cover all my bases.”

“Great, me to. Once the bleeding has stopped call us, then we can do a smear test and try to find out whats going on.”

I walk out to a really beautiful autumn day, the kind that framed your first weeks back at school or college, when everything was so fresh and exciting. Whilst I wait for my pills I have coffee and cake at a small cafe that serves the passion cake my mum makes, its the only place I’ve ever found that does so and I’ll be back there again next week.

THURSDAY 11/10/18

Bleeding (getting less)

It’s my birthday.

The bear messages me that the doctor agree’s he's showing symptoms of chlamydia, he's been given antibiotics and I should go ASAP (but no test results as of yet).

“I’ll talk to my gyno next week, its my birthday today and I’m sick of clinics and hospitals this week.”

STI tests are not covered on my insurance.

Ok, no more days need to be charted now, the bleeding is nearly stopped I’ll be back to leafy Templehof at the earliest convenient time next week.

If it is an STI after all this let me just quickly cite what would of happened had I been in the UK with the NHS:

I would of gone to the sex health centre at Homerton Hospital, the same time I went to the emergency doctors on my first visit, around 3 months ago. But I would have had the whole spectrum of tests, rather than just doing 3, because I couldn’t afford the chlamydia test and it would cost 300euro if it came back positive anyway.

A week later I would of received an automated message telling me if I had chlamydia, I would of gone to collect my antibiotics and nothing more would of come of this.

It would of cost the NHS at least a 10th of what its costing my health insurance provider in Germany, because it would of been solved, no carousel of ultrasound spy dildos. No being wheeled down to surgery.

I’m not saying it is Chlamydia, it could be hormones, it could be cancer (but lets brush that one aside), but if it is Chlamydia then this glaring discrepancy of costs and stress is almost mind boggling, all because I would of had access to free testing and treatment.

Anyway I’m done for now, though will update again next week, hopefully in less detail as I’m hoping now I have a diligent and thoughtful doctor I’ll be able to start getting better, and as I say the bleeding has nearly stopped.

My birthday was fantastic, I got to lie on the floor of Saal 1 at Funkhaus and let sound wash over me, bless the folk at Monom, I’m off to Treptower now to see friends I haven’t seen in a while then to a dance studio I’m renting, to sing my heart out in peace. It’s another beautiful day and I’m really looking forward to seeing these friends, I’ve missed them.

But just before I round out this tale of madness for now, I want to say that during the course of the week so many people have been in touch from Berlin and from home to offer support and anything else they can do, it’s really a beautiful thing, there are so many fantastic people in this world and I’m so grateful, thank you. I put all my dirty laundry on display, I don’t really know why, but I get so much from doing it and I don’t think I’ll be stopping anytime soon.

Happy Sunday all.

[attention-deficit-disquirrel]

hey guys

you know how i make smart decisions

well here’s a fun story

got up at 6am on friday, went to lectures and stuff. pretty standard day. stayed up as usual because im one of the “lucky” few who has a 48 hour sleep schedule (stay up for 36h, sleep for 12h, usually)

saturday at 10am, planned out the day to do cleaning and tidying, which to be fair, my room is less of a tip now. 1.5 hours later, i receive a text from a friend

“you ready for the game jam?” “shit is that today” “yes at 12″ “ok be there in a sec”

the game jam was

24

hours

long

it is now 4:30pm. i havent slept since. and i have to stay up longer because i promised that id go to church today (and no that isn’t some form of parent-related abuse, i am at university and promised my friends personally that i would go because i like seeing my friends)

so in total

i will be awake for

*drumroll*

64 hours

please for the love of god help me

[pirate-kid2k19-blog]

Dumb thoughts and images that come to mind when i try to sleep after a near overdose on caffiene

Putting that in bc its a big mood right now

My brain @ sleep

Yall theres motorcycles oyu at 5:25am i-

I wish my friends were up and that it was like 3pm and i slept but that sounds like a dream world-

Smoke or Fire's song called 1968 both intensifies my existential crisis and helps it feel better at the same time.

If history doesnt repeat itself, why do we have blonde ass toupe wearin hitler as the us president??

"Im in a position thats so uncomfortable its comfortable." - some random dude on youtube like 3 years ago

Im not saying its impossible for an insomniac to fall asleep after 5am, im just saying its impossible for me to do so.

If ive got nothing to do today im gonna listen to music, draw, and nap all day. Those make me happy.

I say that last sentence knowing full well imma be up at 3am runnin to the medicine cabinet to down a bottle of melatonin.

Seriously though im either gonna draw, listen to music, or hopefully ill be able to nap but idk. If i cant nap i'll likely just be talkin to my like,,, 3 friends i think it is that i have left.

So here's my outfit plan if i have to go anywhere:

Hollywood undead shirt (desperate measures or V whichever i find) or my reel big fish shirt and a hawaiian shirt over it

Black or baggy camo jeans (cutoff jean shorts if its hot enough)

Whatever shoes i can find to slip on prolly my slide on vans

My camo hat that i almost always wear lol or my dogtooth print old man hat that works with a rude boy outfit well even tho i originally got it because some sweet old lady at the thrift store reccommended it to me because she thought id like it (shes not gonna see this but i did like it i did buy it and i do wear it)

Energy drink can lmao

Who needs a backpack or anything like that when my eyebags can hold all my shit :)

Black or checkered belt

So like,,,, its 5:38am and im still wide awake lol

I'll be fine tho guys normally i pull an all nighter friday night or am up super late, am up all day saturday til like 1-3am then i go to sleep and sleep for like 12-15 hours on sunday, and have a normal sleep schedule (i count it as normal because i still get enough sleep) monday-thursday. I guess im a normal person because like,,,im so like,,,chill during the week then i have like a crazy fuckin weekend that leaves me sleeping all day sunday. Either this is normal fr or normal on tumblr. Idk.

I wanna watch a candle flame buuut im not gonna get up bc i think my granddad is awake and he'll hear me walking around and come tell me to sleep. Though, i do tell him if its past 6am that i woke up at 6, had to use the bathroom, and couldnt go back to sleep after, but its only 5:43. Time to watch candleflame gifs lol

I love that one because it doesnt have any sort of like eerie vibe its literally just 2 lit candles and i love it.

So heres 5 of my current favorite reaction images rn plus a bonus cursed image:

Btw this post will go on til my clock hits 6:00am lol msybe before maybe after hut around that time.

Time check:5:47am, my left arm is asleep like the rest of me zhould be but i kinda layed on it for like a solid 2 hours and 48 minutes.

I wonder what long stiletto acrylic nails would look like on toes. Will google it now but if nothing pops up im photoshopping it when i get my phone bc that would be super cursed

High thoughts but the high is sleep deprivation will be the theme of my next blog.

Yo what if it was normal to put acrylic nails on ur toes instead of ur fingers

If we're in a simulation, we wont know until the world ends and we all get minecraft hard mode game over screens.

What if ehen you got ran over irl the last thing you see is your vision goes black and white and red text appears. "Wasted."

I might convert my most unused blog into a blog for sleep deprived and shower thoughts, seeing as literally almost wvery day i put my phone in a ziploc bag snd take it into the shower

I kinda feel calm now. Like...if i felt this calm 2 hours ago i wouldve been dead asleep lmao.

My right finger hurts from how i gotta hold this tablet lmao.

Me: i kinda wanna like,,,just kinda draw but idk what to draw and ive had art block for a few months now...*talks about art block*

My mom, interrupting me: ITS BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS ON THAT DAMN PHONE

[jiminskatt]

Strangers

Chapter 4

*buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz*

*buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz*

You slowly open your eyes awaiting light to hit your eyes. You open your right eye all the way expecting to be blinded by sunlight, only to realise the only light coming into your room is the light from your phone screen. Your growl rolling over grabbing your phone from your night stand, expecting to have only fallen asleep for a couple of hours. Only to realize its actually 5am of sunday morning.

"SUNDAY!" You sit up staring at your phone not believing you slept not only friday night, but also literally all through saturday.

"I guess i really did go into a coma.." You notice you have missed calls and messages from your best friend Tia and also Jimin.

"Guess I gotta let Tia know im not dead" you laugh as you pick up your phone bringing it with you to the restroom.

Y/n--<hey Tia. Best friend ol buddy ol pal, I very highly doubt you're awake this beautiful sunday morning at 5:15am. But I'm just letting you know I'm not dead. Just woke up from my sleep coma. Yay celebrate! Message me later k?>

You decide to read some of the messages Jimin also sent. One said good morning y/n and the rest were him asking about how your saturday was going. And also asking if you were ignoring him or blocked him. Another asked if Honey really did get jealous and take your phone. You laugh at this and decide you should let the cute stranger know your alive.

Y/n--<look Jimin. It was fun talking. But Honey said I cant talk to you anymore. Sorry. Goldfish rules.>

You put your phone down not expecting a message any time soon, but sure enough just as you start to pour a bowl of delicious, home made Gordon Ramsey approved cereal, your phone signals you've gotten a message. You finish putting the frosted flakes and milk into your bowl and sitting down at your small table before looking at your message.

Jimin--<well damn. If its goldfish rules then i guess we cant talk again. 😛>

You snicker a little reading this and started eating while messaging him.

Y/n--<well i guess i can always hide away and message you? He wont notice anyway😝>

Jimin--<oh thank god. Id hate to have to stop talking to someone who gets my poor sense of humor>

Y/n--<by saying it like that tho, arnt you saying that I also have a poor sense of humor? And here i thought I had made a new friend. Guess not>

Jimin--<😱 you would take what I said and turn it around.>

You laugh and put your bowl in the sink. Walking to your couch and turning on your tv. Noticing the time is roughly about 6am.

Y/n--<wait why the hell are you awake at 6 am? Only reason i am is cuz I slept all day and night yesterday.>

Jimin--<did you forget I said I live in Korea? 🙄. Our time zones are different. So about the times you wake up ill be getting ready for bed. And by the time you go to sleep ill be getting up>

Y/n--<aw. Yet here you are. Talking to little ol me😍>

Jimin--<aw sweetheart ill always make time for you. 😘>

Jimin--<as long as your "Honey" doesn't catch us>

Y/n--<omg. Okay. No more fake flirting.>

Jimin--<hey! Who said I was faking!? 😚>

Y/n--<😐>

Jimin--<alright, alright. Ill stop. For you.>

Y/n--<Oh thank you, almighty Jimin>

Jimin--<I could get used to you praising me 😏>

Y/n--<🙄 thought you were done?>

Jimin--<im done now I promise. Couldn't help but take that opening tho. 😉>

Y/n--<excuse me. Im gonna go say a prayer for your soul>

Jimin--<YAHH i said i was done now. Anyway.. how was your.. Sleep coma? I didnt hear from you at all yesterday and kept checking my phone, so my friends were making fun of me. 😒 I was not amused.>

Y/n--<aww did little jiminie miss me yesterday?>

Jimin--<jiminie? Giving me nicknames already sweetness? 😏>

Y/n--<call me sweetness again and youll have a better nickname. Called BLOCKED BICH>

Jimin--<nuu. Im done. I'm sorry.>

Y/n--<much better. But yeah. I slept all friday night and literally all of saturday. Guess I really needed it.>

Jimin--<you're probably over working yourself on school work. I'm sure you deserved the sleep>

Y/n--<its honestly my fault. i can't decide what to major in so im taking two things at the same time. Just in case I need a fall back. But to be honest? Talking to you, A complete stranger, is.. Idk kind of relaxing?>

Jimin--<yeah. I know what you mean. There's quite a bit going on here. And having a stranger that doesnt know about me or my life is nice to talk to>

Y/n--<omg.. Are you like . a serial killer?>

Jimin--< what!? No! Just.. life can be complicated you know?>

Y/n--<hehe. I know. just like messing with ya>

Jimin--<Hey umm.. Im gonna go to sleep. Maybe.. Talk again later?>

Y/n--<um. Yeah. That'd be nice. Goodnight Jimin.>

Jimin--< Good morning Y/n>

By the time you finished texting with Jimin you realized you were getting tired again. You laid on the couch and decided a quick nap will do.

You wake up to the sound of your phone ringing.

"Hello?"

"Jesus y/n, I've called you three times now. Did you manage to go back to sleep?"

"Tia its not my fault okay? I was tired again." you pulled your phone away from your face to check the time.

"Wow its 11'o clock? Didnt mean to sleep that long. Sorry Tia."

"Its okay. You needed sleep anyway. I was just calling to check on you. You didn't even message me friday night to say goodnight! I was so depressed."

You laugh over the phone with her.

"Um, yeah. Tia.. About friday.. You.. Remember that unknown number that called me during lunch?"

[lindanohere]

Domestic Inspo

They say that if you aren;'t sure what to write,then just start writing. I know i have something to say, but i not sure what it is yet, so i will take their advice.

Right now, i am not sure how i feel about this keyboard.

i have to tap the screen to star a new paragraph and theres no apostrophe?

Anyway! Today is Saturday, and it;s 6am, The boif got up early today, and ive been awake since then too. Today is, thankfully, just an errand day. Normally i would be more oassive aggressive about errands, but we had a great day together yesteday, so i dont mind doing some things by mysef today. And, im making ribs in the crockpot for dinner. i feel so domestic haha. Him utting the pots an dpans up yesterday also helped a lot. i honestly feel more calm being more organized. this is one of the few areas where my OCD wil be beneficial.

Oh, hold up, the rash is starting to stink. There's domesticity for ya. Oh and i found the apostrophe!

[chuuyazai]

the overly positive anon: i only send asks so i can read ur reps n those r the cutest im srsly in tears like wtf Sara?!? why u gotta come for my life lika that ahjd i alr knew ur the cutest. i just love reading them sm so im back with another one: when was ur coming out story if theres such thing? or maybe just tell me abt ur day?? update: im done w finals soooo mood is like 24/7 watching ur recs. have a good day as always!!! 💘💘🌟🌟💘💖

My dude, my friend, my love, you don’t know how much these messages mean to me like I had a really shit day today (yesterday?) and seeing this made me cry from happiness like I’m not even kidding you make my days so much brighter! There are so many things I want to tell you like how these messages make my heart flutter and how my face hurts from smiling so much when I read these but it all seriousness you are an amazing and beautiful person and I cannot thank you enough for this! And if anyone’s cute it’s you no doubt about it;)

(also if you want an accurate face I make whenever I get a message from you it looks a little something like this):

YAYAYAYAY FINALS ARE DONE!!!!!!!! CONGRATS LOVE!!! I BET YOU DID AMAZING!! AND NOW GRADUATION! (i think if i did my math right but it’s 7am and I’ve been awake for 23 hours so who knows at this point lolol) YOU ARE GOING TO DO SO MANY SPECTACULAR THINGS AND YOUR FUTURE IS BRIGHT!!!!

So as stated above, I had a really bad day. It all started on Saturday (yesterday but I’m going to call it today cuz I havent slept so it’s still saturday to my brain). I had to work my first job at Taco Hell from 11:30a-7:30p. So i got there and absolutely NOTHING WAS DONE so I had to do the work of 3 people and I got pissed but I was able to calm down (slightly). So a few hours pass and it’s now 2:30 and this bitch is late for her shift. She strolls in an hour late and clock’s in but doesn’t. start. working. She sits there and eats and that just makes me even more mad like I’m sitting there getting my ass kicked and she can’t be a decent human being?! So I do what I always do when I’m mad…I get super hella quiet vocally and I start banging stuff as I make the food and at one point I slammed a cabinet door and this other person told me I had to chill and you can imagine how that made me. So my boss pulled me aside and I broke like I started crying out of frustration for about half an hour and then I was just drained. Thankfully she let me go home at 6 instead of 7:30 but at that point I was just an empty shell of a worker.

I go home, eat, and relax before I had to start my second job at 9:30p. Nothing really happened and my second job was nice and slow and relaxing so it wasn’t bad….until the morning person decided not to show up on time (6am) so I had to stay a little longer but my boss said fuck it and sent me home at 6:30a so I showered and now I’m here! And I feel so much better! You really know how to lift a person’s spirit;) now lets see if I can go to sleep before I have to go back to Taco Bell at 2p today…..

Ahhhh yesss…my coming out story….I’m going to put that under the cut for length and (warning before you decide to venture down the path of my past) trigger warnings! (suicide and slight homophobia)

I HOPE YOU HAVE AN  AMAZING DAY MY FRIEND!!! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND DESERVE SO MUCH GOODNESS IN YOUR LIFE!! STAY AWESOME LOVE!!! (PS I hope you like the rest of the anime I recommended!) I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

Aiiiggghhhhtt this is a dosey. So I’m going to start at the beginning. At one point in my life i thought i was straight…and then a girl asked me out when i was 12(? close enough). BUUTTTT of course I thought I was straight so I told her I wasn’t into girls (whoops) and that I was sorry. The thing was, when she asked me out I got nervous, like butterflies in your stomach kind, but I thought that was just because someone asked me out and was unrelated to the gender of said person. I was just unused to getting asked out.

Fast forward to high school. It was pretty uneventful except for the fact that I started to realize that I thought girls were hot just like i thought guys were hot. Idk exactly when that happened but it did. I never put a label on it because I didn’t really care. I liked guys, girls, and anything in between and I was okay with that.

You see, I grew up in a VERY catholic home but I never believed myself. My parents never talked about homosexuality so I was never taught that it was a bad thing, meaning that no matter how my parents felt on the matter i never knew about it and I was able to form my own opinion.

The summer before my freshman year of college I went to a camp held by my college and I met a guy who is a good friend of mine now. We bonded over anime (more specifically Attack on Titan) and I found out he was gay. He asked me what my orientation was and I said that Im attracted to any gender but I didn’t know what that would label me as and he said (enter drum roll here) PANSEXUAL!!! So I looked it up and it fit pretty well and I just decided to go with it. 

Fast forward another year and I started to question gender. I’m biologically female but most days I don’t feel female but I don’t feel male and I still don’t know what that means (im still exploring and doing research so she/they pronouns work for now (but i’m leaning more towards “they”)…I am debating changing my name at this point but I’m fine with Sara for now lol).

I don’t keep in touch with friends from high school really so none of them really know but all of my college friends and other friends know. I just casually bring it up in conversation. Like someone will be like “oh whats your idea guy like sara” and ill basically say that i like my guys to be taller than me but my girls/nonbinary partners to be any height and anything other than height makes no difference to me and everyone’s fine with it.

Alright, now the sad stuff. End of July 2016 I came out to my parents. My mother thought that meant that I was a pedophile and that I was also into be bestiality because she read somewhere that pansexual means that you’re sexually attracted to ANYTHING (like WTF mom?) so i explained (aka looked up the definition for her cuz she wouldn’t listen to me). After an hour of me crying because I was terrified of not being accepted, they decided that this was just a phase and I’ll find my real sexuality when I have my first relationship (I’m 20 and havent even been on a date…im hopeless at this point lol jk). My dad said that i’m just too nice and accepting of everyone and that I would only date a girl because I would be too guilty to turn her down (WTF dad?). I gave up at that point. That entire conversation left me drained and depressed so I tried to kill myself. I had to be taken to the hospital and not I can’t take certain medicines (aka my migraine medicine) cuz my stomach is fucked up now but eh. Only my parents know in my family and I’ve been debating telling my brother (the 19yo one)(the 7yo and 11yo i don’t really care if they know or not) but idk how he is with homosexuality and we arent really that close but we have a good relationship but idk….

I also accidentally came out to my boss at work today (when I was having my breakdown) and she smiled and said “well thats just more love you have to give to the world!” and I’ve never been more appreciative to my boss than at that moment. 2 other people at my work know too. I don’t really broadcast it unless people ask (or im on Tumblr cuz I can proudly be myself here lol)

I hope this wasnt too sad of a story to read (or too confusing….my hands are shaking as I type this and my grammar probably got a lot worse…I need to sleep fam lolol)

HAVE AN AWESOME DAY LOVE AND THAT YOU FOR MAKING ME SMILE AGAIN!!!!!!!