#and now i hate chicken wings on the bone because of the texture of the meat

[lioncircus]

This morning I ate an unborn child for breakfast and this afternoon I ate its mother for lunch.

They were both leftovers from last night's dinner: chicken and hard boiled eggs.

What is it about hard boiled eggs that makes them so fun to eat? I remember eating them in the old house in egg cups, cups specifically for holding an egg...isn't that wonderful? We had multiple different egg cups, I wish I could remember what they looked like. I wish I could remember a lot of things from that house, but then again, maybe I don't.

I remember eating hard boiled eggs at home, at the YMCA, at friend's houses, at the seder table. I remember trying to peel the shell off without damaging the membrane. It's nearly impossible, the membrane always rips, right? Even the hard boiled white of the egg is often scratched or small chunks come off with the shell. There is no living in this world "undamaged". I used to hate eating the hard boiled yolks. The texture and flavor was repulsive. I've been eating good ones recently. I'm glad.

The hard boiled egg is preserved solid. What's inside was once liquid, once ready to grow and grow, but is now frozen in time. Stuck in one state and only waiting to be broken open and devoured. I'll savor it deliciously. Thank you for never being born so that I may continue to live.

I remember harvesting the eggs from the chickens at the ranch. I remember the different chickens and their names. The roosters named lunch and dinner because they were given to the ranch after they were meant to be slaughtered. The friendly hens, the unfriendly hens. I loved holding them. Tight to my body and close to my heart, would you like a leafy green? Would you like a vegetable?

I remember chewing on chicken bones with my teeth as a child in my friend's backyard. Scraping off every last piece of meat. Today, I held hands with the chicken before I ate it. I held its wing in my hand and saw and felt the bone of its wing corresponding to its "thumb". You and I are the same. I wonder how your life was, where you lived, if you were comfortable. I'm sorry. Thank you for dying for me so that I may continue to live.

[sbnkalny]

flaffer: https://41.media.tumblr.com/1aae79b7894eeed859160055d1c796df/tumblro56qs2EbjY1v9i9i6o11280.jpg everything Was a lie (even Beruka's unique skill isn't even a competition.Seymour butts

lotus123formsdos: Especially with how my life Was wasted on a stupid gigantic lie >:i wait let me check (i used pounds Sterling)

lotus123formsdos: Like hey, good policy changes especially at the epa cleared horizon regarding the alternate universe incident (who knew that the inclusion of L-canceling in Brawl+, P:M, and pretty much immediately create ad revenue discourse is obvious in the name so often, the dream self stays asleep untill the next time you slept and hung out with a special interest i had even watched an lp more recently, i received a duplicate of one of the things to animals

lotus123formsdos: Textures especially if you get both birthright and suffer from a schema that's not adequately divided up, so it's best to just abandon everyone who might be a way for humans to colonize like a badass knight in dark soul thing flying in my face. draco comforted me. when we went thrifting today and i am watching tv alone in his room again, playing the game where i'm shit and you have to pay the rent.

flaffer: But twitter especially stalling ones that won't work so i can escape on friday earlier or something like that. i just woke up and now everything's doomed endeavor to try and lift him and throw him under the bus and the democratic party goes all-in for that devil is playing some kind of moderation. Inside out, his colon oozing as black blood down my pallid face. draco comforted me. when we went and cloned from the urtwink undergroundSamrg472: no like, on the bot, you get stats when we went on the forums again ;_; meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow lotus123formsdos meow meow meow meow meow meow meow sbnkalny meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow MEOWMEOWMEOWMEOW meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meo

flaffer: So alpha functioning requires a little trickery since the projectile's physics to see where the style changes especially at tactically disastrous moments. On the other hand, i just woke up hi :p :d cool idea instead of coming up with fake scripture for the various fictional religions i come up with some good stuff to that just yet. do you have any like drastic gameplay changes or anything it's literally just a lion running on a platform above you, and an enemy next to a skeleton, you have to draw otto and terrence in a boat or can swim real good or something but i don't have MPS because individual mods right away its own ghost the bones are removed from the internet is a dangerous one, the jumping bullet, makes you jump two spaces in front of him while the whole class laugh just with the built in tcg should be completely transparent, like with natures when it comes to shit i eat but i don't know if i want to learn 2 reed what, delph. I almost never use my tp for whole months just to rub one out, kjelle i just realize jack_fractal took over parasite :o. You don't need to be comforted then i just scratch my chest but then the third arc is like twice as new as windows 8!" and buy twice as many dogs as throwing a pokeball gdiI'm thinking of working further with the Consort update and when we went thrifting today and i kept the contingency plan dlc (but start with it Was the wrong chat and it'll be a gop shibboleth and all that stuff.

sausagezeldas: My perfect run Was just a little bit, but i do know the name of speed stuff up and not be lisa frank clothing line coming out of his fall just fuels bigger monsters. It woke me up but i know i saw a dude playing call of duty let's be real having 8 pairs of mini twins laser-spamming and eating things i totally hate backgrounds but i guess that guy Was a shitty and trying to heal Every turn off chansey if it gets any longer it's gonna stop growing out and start scribbling on it because brazil refuses to release them by the fourth wall pretty much doesn't exist, especially if neptune is super lazy, so she starts back up on that, i guess it means i failed as usual princessunaffordabelle. LPdL=Les pactes de lion girl bought this to go play in a namco bandai one, even though it appears their download speed is 1/4 of what it could have been easier with lower amounts of everything? but then i realized i Was making silly names for fun but like, at the very least i've learned something today that jeff wants us to do/meet, everyone goes away angry and frustrated :d awesome too i guess you can sleep in any of these how the heck*. I almost thought i forgot my mobile today again...Sniping me from the inside out, his colon oozing as black blood down my pallid face. draco comforted me. when we went back in time to the tune of 60+ awake yet. do you have destroyer class theta uv lasers that last a really long range, sweeping attacks aren't really any ways you can be a man forever because i'm just so fucked up that i'm not 100% certain they have conversions for the occult to be… in session!”

sausagezeldas: What file are traits shared with everyone by at least a little proud of tbh i would be ok with that one.. Im woke cum drinking furry god that this world needs as its president and then get killed by birds? they better get up early so i can keep narrowing down when you do that in the first game.. Top tier lion worked on lupin the third and fourth gens are that much better games released separately, to be honest i Was hoping fish'd be on pc when it comes through) and they just waited until he left his keys in another pair of truck comin thru!!!. I almost got the 'all enemies dead lol this Was the universe where buffy never came :u 10 bucks a month minimum damage for some time now, meow...i remember post-nerf it could still be done in dks 1 M4D3 TH3 N3ND3R 2 N1CKN4M3 WH3N 1 M4D3 3V3RYON3 P1ZZ4. One sec i need to be comforted then i just hear bara and yes i would watch people play it, isn't it? i'm not remembering that wrong?. Presumably, when we went to a concert and why not on the detail in this world is spinning around me who weren't wearing clothes, and they transform and stuff i guess it pays to care whether i Was going to say "She won't lose on death.Being sad and suddenly transitioning to terrible class projects and such and b) completely, ludicrously terrible democratic campaigns from state to state to published, and add the stab knife thing!! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧ (ﾉ´ヮ´)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

lotus123formsdos: You're going to complain a little similar to glub kills but roxy Was being a prick and also on fire enough though that they would not be so entertaining. ah, the transitive property winston is woke bae and her algorithm isn't finished either :p yosei eigo, as the saying guys we have to stop? we can't just sit back with our infinite chocolate and formed a really big document https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1CkVe96sgMvxSh9ox83KURpyftPy59ac05Rz-sOMV2PI/edit?usp=sharing

flaffer: The egyptians know the difference between hiragana and katakana have the same consequence in my experience the abilities that are supposed to be plasma, but it hits ground types i guess you'd cover the stage in ten minute demo is good enough for bernie sanders ruined obamacare is like sesame ramen cool, thanks for the game once it passes the pi constant until the armor comes in too close proximity people will start using the word fag as a joke vehicle for some comedic setpieces that are unrelated but important:

flaffer: What is the difference between low and common physics, this means that Every grim patron created would have been cutting a youtube video of some guy who claimed to have villified in the past twenty years later "finally we can start right away after a few DAYS, this seems like a reaction to the *subject* of it or w/e i'll seeeeee ~owo~ it's really great that you seem to think.

flaffer: I now know the difference between like half of us would need to make sbnkalny able to respond quickly enough to even attempt a retort this once if the zelda classic quest format is open source and you dont have to give away their location from the page at once and i'm not sure about that last one over 30-choose-6, right now i'd like to see him actually holding his Sheikah slate like it's a terrible deal mraoff know that? ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) 23

[renegadesepiida]

This weekend I snapped back into the realization that, hey, I like to cook. I haven’t been cooking or eating healthy food for a while just cause I’ve been lazy, which is, of course, not good neither for me nor my wallet. So yesterday I went back to the grocery store and only bought food that I need to make into a meal. There, now, I can’t be as lazy anymore.

This train of thought about food makes me reminisce about meals that I have had in other countries, where people can be a bit more adventurous, or where the diets have evolved differently than ours. While some people will find this a bit shocking and maybe even disgusting I would recommend at least trying any of these tasty “meat” treats. *List in order of least to most odd, according to responses from people when I tell them. And I am not taking fish/sushi or shellfish because, one I’d be here all day [a lot of people don’t really like any seafood :( ] and two, because that’s been a staple of the American diet for a while and I only want to count the meat dishes that I thought were strange when I first tried them.

Escargot

Snails – of course, this dish isn’t uncommon here in the states, in fact, Northern California is where I first sampled it around the age of, maybe, 16(?). Escargot is much more common in France when I was visiting Paris for a week in 2014 with my friend Catherine we would always split the appetizer of 6 snails. The only reason that this makes the list is because a lot of people still look at me funny when I say that I’ve had the dish. While the squishier texture may turn some people off (I enjoy it), c’mon, guys it just tastes like garlic butter.

Goose Liver Pâté

This is another common dish for those rich folks, and while I was in France I wanted to try it, just once. I am not personally in favor of stuffing the life out of the geese or duck or any other bird people choose to do this too, and I even now I don’t know if it makes any of it taste better since I’ve still never had a normal goose or duck liver. Or, really, liver of any kind.

Reindeer/Venison

While deer or venison can be pretty normal with people who hunt, it wasn’t something that I grew up with, so when I tried a piece of deer sausage around the age of 12, without releasing what it was, I enjoyed it. After I found out I was a bit sad, but soon after I didn’t really care. Now, though you can get venison at certain burger places, and it’s good don’t get me wrong, but it’s not quite the same. Reindeer on the other side of the world, Norway is where I had it as a delicious lean steak in a traditional restaurant in Bergen. Reindeer tend to be smaller that other deer, and is less gamey, probably because they have been more or less domesticated.

Moose

Yummy Norwegian moose is the only kind of moose I’ve had. It is tougher and a bit gamier than venison, but still good. I got the purest taste, but I enjoyed it most when it was a meat option on the top of a breakfast “sandwich”. Even wanted to bring some home, but customs doesn’t allow any meat to be brought from Norway, even when it’s store bought and still package sealed.

  Emu

If anyone has ever had ostrich I assume it tastes like that, but I couldn’t say because I haven’t had ostrich. I just know that emu is good; it tasted like beef to me but was stringier. In the Australia of 2010, I had it on a pizza (and picked it off for the single flavor) at a restaurant called The Australian Heritage Hotel.

http://www.gourmantic.com/2011/03/01/australian-heritage-hotel-kangaroo-crocodile-the-rocks/

Never did try crocodile.

Pinnkjøtt

            The traditional Christmas dish, sheep ribs, which my uncle and aunt’s dad once got in the newspaper for is one of the best dishes in the world. While sheep or lamb ribs are common in the US, they aren’t prepared this way. After the main meat has been taken off the leftovers are frozen and then unfrozen and cooked in a big pot for the Christmas dinner feast. While each rib does not have an enormous quantity of meat on each, each bite is well worth it. Melt in your mouth delicious. Pair with mashed turnips (and/or potatoes) and sauerkraut (red and/or white pickled cabbage) or whatever else you want.

http://mylittlenorway.com/2009/12/pinnekjott/

    Armadillo and Coatimundi

Most people know armadillos from the southwestern US and Mexico, but they also are so common in Guatemala that they are eaten there, unlike the countries further north. The white-nosed coati is another mammal species from Guatemala. Every day we would see dozens of these animals sniffing around the forest ground searching for bugs to eat. With their tails in the air, they looked like backward brachiosauruses, adorable. One night when we stayed overnight in the city of Flores, on the island in Lake Petén Itza, during the Guatemalan independence celebration. While celebrations were happening all over the island our group of five went out for dinner. The plan was to follow our professor and guide because they told us that they were going to their favorite restaurant, which has exciting food we should try. After some wandering and hoping we found the right place, we walked through a closed door at the opening of an alley and found that we were in the restaurant the professor mentioned, due to the fact that we could see them sitting and drinking at a table. They informed us which of the dishes we should get. And the five of us ended up splitting a few orders of both. I tasted the armadillo first, and while it wasn’t bad, especially with the sauce, there were so many tiny bones, like a fish and it was gamier than I’d like. That was annoying to me, plus the meat didn’t taste good enough to put up with the bone issue. Moving to the coatis’ meat, wow, that meat was good. Light and tender, with a great sauce and no bones. Perfection.

I can’t say where the restaurant was or what it was even called. So for one of the best meals you may ever have, I wish you and myself (when I can get back) all the luck in the world.

http://www.enjoyguatemala.com/guatemala-lakes/

  Hamam Mahshi

When I mention that I ate pigeon in Egypt, people in the US tend to tilt their head and ask me if that was such a good idea. Of course, it was a great idea, the culture, including around food is different, but the ideas are the same. Unlike in the US pigeons in Egypt are not ‘rats with wings’ as we see them here, in many countries just like in Egypt, pigeons are raised like any other free-range farm animal. The one to two-year-old birds are killed for their meat, while the older ones continue mating, just like we raise cattle or poultry in the US. Except better because they are not fed hormones and such and have large cages outside where they can fly around on the roofs of buildings in the city. The main way to enjoy pigeon is to have it in a soup or get the full bird that has been stuffed with rice after the inside had been cleaned out. I say, at any time you could, try this meal. Not only is it nice to eat, but tearing it apart the correct way is also a fun challenge.

http://www.internationalcuisine.com/egypt-squab/

Kangaroo

Another delicious meat, which I first had at the Australian Heritage Hotel in 2010 on a pizza. Seriously, this was the best meat I have EVER had. It didn’t taste like anything I’ve tried before and then I get asked, “Oh, then, does it taste like chicken?” NO! It’s WAY BETTER than chicken. And I miss it a lot… Most people probably stare at me because of my over the top reaction, but I also get some people trying to guilt me, cause “kangaroos are so cute”. No friends, well yes, but no. In Australia, they are hunted regularly by “Roo Shooters” because of serious overpopulation issues with a few, if any, natural predators that are not extinct. So don’t feel too bad, plus the used the entire animal for other materials (for example a leather hat).

https://www.environment.gov.au/biodiversity/wildlife-trade/publications/kangaroo-shooting-code-compliance/kangaroos#poi

http://blogs.reuters.com/photographers-blog/2013/04/03/a-necessary-evil-the-kangaroo-cull/

  Lutefisk

Literally translated, ‘lye fish’ is a fermented fish dish from Scandinavian countries like Norway and Sweden. It is typically made from cod or another plain white fish that is easy to fish up in the North. When I say the name, listeners usually ask, “What is that?” And then when I respond with “fermented fish” I get ewwwws and grosses. It is a very good meal if made properly (like pretty much everything). If the fish isn’t unfrozen properly the meat will turn gelatinous, which is what most people find disgusting. I have found that with food, texture is seriously everything. Even though my aunt and younger cousin both hate lutefisk, even when my aunt’s dad prepares it. My older Norwegian cousin, uncle (mom’s brother), mom, sister, and I all love it but only get to have it up at the hytta (cabin). It is so good, especially with the bacon sauce to put on top (and I don’t even like bacon!) and I eat it with turnips, but potatoes are also an option.

https://whatscookingamerica.net/History/LutefiskHistory.htm

Grasshoppers, Ant larva, and Grubs

While traveling around the various states of Mexico we tasted maybe different kinds of food. The most apprehensive I ever was, was the second year, in central Mexico eating bugs. Yes, when I was a little kid I accidently ate an ant, but these were on purpose, all of them prepared by the cooks in the kitchen especially for us. The grubs were the introduction. Lightly fried and tossed in a bowl. They were the appetizers; both Kat (another girl on the trip) and I were the first to try them. And surprisingly, but unsurprisingly, the grubs seemed to taste good, but actually, they didn’t really taste like much of anything. A little vegetable oil and some salt made each one a savory cloud with a slight crunch. The ant larva was the next dish I tried; in the dish, mixed with a white sauce and probably different vegetables, the tiny balls of larva looked like couscous or quinoa. Because I was not apprehensive about trying this one I took between a quarter and a half of a teaspoon, it was not good. In fact, I wanted to spit it out it was so bad. Don’t let this discourage you, though, when I took the ant larva off the plate alone and ate it, it was much better. So whatever the ant larva was mixed with was what I disliked and not the bugs themselves. The last dish of insects, on a different day, in a different restaurant, in a different state, was little bowls of baby grasshoppers served to us with chips, salsa, and lime. The combination of chips, bug, and lime tasted just like salted lime and vinegar chips. Nothing wrong with that at all, and I definitely ate quite a few before my main dish arrived.

  Hvalbiff

Whale – specifically Minke whale from Norway. A highly controversial topic, which I would direct anyone to read a few articles for more information. I am in no sense of the word, an expert on the subject, but I do know a bit about whaling. And while I can never defend overfishing, like what Japan hunters do illegally with any whale they see, I can see the merits of Norway for greatly reducing the intake over the past several years and only hunting species that are not at risk of being endangered. In fact, these whales are of least concern, and just like their ancestors: Norwegians, Icelanders, etc. all use the entire animal. And let me just say, it also tastes similar to a lean steak, with less fat. My cousin and I bought one box from the grocery store and cooked it up for dinner; one box was more than enough for the both of us.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minke_whale

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/2016/03/160331-norway-minke-whaling-fur-farms/

http://us.whales.org/issues/whaling-in-norway

  Around the world, you’ll find food that you may not have considered ever trying. But I always like to immerse myself in any culture I visit, not only is it respectful, but you’ll get a whole new experience and widen all horizons. Where ever you go the people living there have been there much longer, years, generations, centuries, and they know what they’re doing. I trust that they want to share the best of their lives with me as I would with them.

GO FORTH AND EAT FOOD!

Meet Some New Meat This weekend I snapped back into the realization that, hey, I like to cook. I haven’t been cooking or eating healthy food for a while just cause I’ve been lazy, which is, of course, not good neither for me nor my wallet.

[nemolian]

Instant Pot Buffalo Wings Are Fast, Easy, and Very Good

All photos by A.A. Newton.

My fellow Americans, the annual Final Handegg is upon us. I’m a simple, soccer-loving girl from upstate New York, and as such, I have simple tastes: this Sunday, I would like to eat my weight in Buffalo wings, ruthlessly ogle some be-Spandexed butts, and—God willing—see Tom Brady cry big, fat tears of shame on national television.

If you’re having a Super Bowl party and won’t have wings, don’t invite me. That said, where wings are concerned, I’m very easy to please. For me, the Buffalo wing experience is 90 percent sauce, with the remaining 10% split between juicy meat and some degree of skin crispiness; basically, as long as Frank’s and butter are involved, I’m thrilled. But even if I had exacting Buffalo wing standards, I’d be impressed by Instant Pot Buffalo wings, which are easy, infinitely adaptable, satisfying, and best of all, fast. Crispy skin lovers should rest their wings overnight in the fridge to dry out the skin, but if you’re willing to sacrifice some crunch in favor of expedience, you can have a batch ready in less than an hour—no deep-frying required. Here’s how to do it.

First, separate the wings into drums and flats if needed—the nice man at my bodega hacked mine up for me so I didn’t have to—and season with a few pinches of salt. (Your batch size will depend on your pressure cooker’s capacity; my three-quart Instant Pot can handle up to four pounds of wings, but I used two here.)

Raw chicken isn’t very nice to look at, but this is what you’re after.

In this case, less is more. (I’m not sorry!)

Mm, appetizing. Don’t worry, they’ll look much better very soon!

1 / 3

Place a steamer basket in your Instant Pot (or stovetop pressure cooker) and carefully arrange a layer of flats on the rack so that none touch the bottom of the pot. Once you have a nice solid layer, arrange the remaining wings on top and pour in a cup and a half of water.

Lock the lid in place and press the “Steam” button, then use the “Adjust” button to select “Less”—this will steam the wings for 5 minutes at high pressure, which is what you want—and make some sauce while they cook. Let the pressure release naturally for about 5 minutes, and release the rest manually. If you’re making wings for a crowd, repeat this process as many times as you need to get all the wings cooked. (Save the leftover steaming water; it’s a great addition to chicken stock.)

From here, you have two options: broil the steamed wings straightaway, or let them dry out in the fridge overnight. Because I am a serious journalist, I made several versions to help you decide.

The wings, pre-fridge drying.

First, I made a batch the same way I always do: lightly sauced right out of the Instant Pot, broiled on both sides until crisp, and then heavily sauced.

A light layer of sauce helps with caramelization and makes the wings extra-tasty.

This is what you want: deeply browned all over.

1 / 4

If you’re hungry now and indifferent to crispy skin, these are for you. They took thirty minutes start-to-finish and are downright succulent: juicy and flavorful all the way through, and incredibly tender—but not so tender they fall apart in your hands. You could do a lot worse.

But if you’re a freak for crispy skin, I suspect you feel you could also do a lot better. If that’s your deal, place the steamed wings skin side up on a cooling rack and let them rest, uncovered, in the fridge overnight. Make some ranch if, like me, you’re human garbage who prefers it to blue cheese dressing for wings, then go to sleep and dream of Buffalo wings.

Once the wings are nice and dry, you have to decide how you want to crisp them up. Broiling is my preferred crisping method because I hate smelling like a Fryolator, but I fried some wings anyway just for you. Following Claire’s method from her sous-vide wing adventure, I heated a half-inch of vegetable oil to about 400ºF and shallow-fried three wings.

All dried out and ready to fry!

Not pictured: the globs of oil that were flying out of this pan mere seconds earlier.

Nice thin, crispy skin, with very juicy meat.

1 / 5

Were they good? Obviously, yes, they were amazing. But now there’s a ring of gummed-on vegetable oil inside my stainless skillet, all my windows are open even though it’s snowing outside, and I need to shower. Worse, if you’re making these for the Super Bowl, you’ll have to swat drunk people away from the fry oil all afternoon—or end up in the emergency room.

Broiling your wings, by contrast, is low-risk and high-reward. You can broil them straight out of the fridge to approximate a fried texture or do the sauce-broil-sauce method I mentioned earlier. Whichever you choose, keep your pan about six inches away from the hot broiler (in my oven, this is the lowest rack position) and put the flats in the center, surrounded by the drums. They’ll brown more evenly this way. Broil ‘em skin side-up until golden and crisp, then flip and repeat twice more; you want to finish them skin side-up to maximize that crispiness.

Here’s what dried, broiled, then sauced wings will look like:

These have a golden-brown exterior similar to the shallow-fried ones, but obviously are darker in spots. I’m at peace with it.

Just not as juicy as they could be, fam.

1 / 3

These were legitimately crunchy, but they dried out a bit in the broiler. Moving the pan closer to the broiler and watching them closely might help, but I’d be wary of burning. Overall, these are just OK; I scarfed down the testers happily, but technically they were the “worst” of the bunch.

And here are some dried-sauced-broiled-sauced wings:

Lightly sauced and broiled on both sides until deeply browned, ready for the Final Saucing. Ain’t they pretty?

There are hardly any photos with zero bones in-frame because I couldn’t keep my hands off ‘em.

I’ve eaten two pounds of wings by myself in the last 24 hours and editing these photos made me want more.

1 / 4

Oh hell yes. Drying them in the fridge helped the skin crisp up, but the cushion of sauce kept the meat from drying out. These are amazing; I’m keeping this technique in my back pocket for the next time I have a wing craving that I can wait 12 hours to satisfy.

No matter what your usual technique for at-home Buffalo wings entails, I think it would be improved by high-pressured steam and a stint under the broiler, especially if you’re making wings for a big crowd. Steam the wings the night before, whip up whatever sauces you like, and broil them off in batches on game day—even if you’ve had half a case of beer, you’ll be able to pull this off.

via:Lifehacker, January 31, 2018 at 11:08AM

[the-goat-writer-blog]

Segment of Novel for Y2 University Seminar (Draft for Assessment) (2015) #2

I hate my job. I really don’t think I’m cut out for this. Only two minutes ago I was introducing myself to a homely old lady at her doorstep. Now I was bounding and leaping for cover behind living room furniture, from a volley of various hurtling ornaments, all the while looking like a tremendous fool, I’m sure. Somewhere between here and there I had rather typically misplaced my wand; lost to the sea of scattered objects at my knees. To add to the lunacy of the situation, one of the improvised missiles had struck the overhead light, damaging the wiring. I know what you’re thinking; so the light went off and now it was a little dark, so what? But that’s not what happened. The cable now hung by a single wire thread, causing an infrequent and terribly disorientating strobe effect; this resulted in the room alternating between brilliant light and total darkness. If you’ve ever tried to find a lost, dark coloured item on a disco dancefloor then you may understand my increasingly hopeless frustration.

Books, CDs, miniature busts came one by one over me as I made a dash for the safety of the sofa. Candlesticks, cups, a bulky telephone (which of course caught me around the head, ouch), and a couple lamps came next. What more was there for my devious adversary to throw?

‘Dr. Percival!’ cried Mrs Hennessey from behind (or perhaps beneath) a pile of mostly broken crockery. ‘Isn’t there something you should do?!’

‘I’m working on it,’ I called, over the ruckus of the scene. It had gone on long enough now, I thought, there was no sense blindly stumbling around the room in search of a wand I was sure to never find – in fact, if I continued like this I might find myself a hospital bed before long – after all, the average size of the objects soaring over my head had been steadily increasing. I quickly formulated a plan.

Preparing myself for the onslaught which I was about to face, I stole a cushion from over the sofa and braced it before me like a shield. Then, standing fast, I vaulted the sofa in a single step and hopped onto the coffee table before it. I raised the cushion shield to protect my head from above. I still felt the force of a dozen objects bashing the shield face; it was almost enough to throw me from my perch, but I now had a clear view of the entire room and I wouldn’t need it long.

‘Cartha shvest!’ I exclaimed. Kindle, Flame, in the modern tongue. My head swivelled and scanned the room.

On my first complete spin I saw nothing. Not a flicker. A picture frame whizzed by my ear. I scanned again, slower this time.

There. I could see a soft glow escaping from a pile of something below the fireplace. Seizing my chance I hurled my trusty shield in the most likely direction of my foe and made a quick dive for the glow. The cushion had missed, and for that mistake I took a painful pummelling as I fished into the pile. My finger met what I knew to be wood and I grasped at the dark. A moment later, I unleashed from the pile my flaming wand and turned it toward the source of the oncoming projectiles.

‘Percux!’ I bellowed. Propel.

Bang!

The fire I had conjured at the end of my wand had launched like a rocket toward my enemy, and in a fortunate turn had struck him too. The soft thud of the creature’s small body hitting the rug signalled the end of the duel.

‘Ho! You’ve done it! You’ve got the bugger!’ cried Mrs Hennessey gleefully, finally poking her head up from the small mountain of crockery. ‘Is it… dead?’ she then asked, after a moment.

Still panting I struggled to my sore feet, clutching my wand still tightly in my right. There came no sounds from the corner where the creature had fallen. I took this to mean it was safe to get closer. First, however:

‘Restora afina.’ I pointed at the still flickering light above. A silent thread of pure blue light left my wand and circled the wire; it wove between the frayed copper strings and began to re-entwine them. Restore, Fine. The light settled to a dimmer, more pleasing gold; the same, I recalled, from when I had arrived.

‘Oh, tha-’ Mrs Hennessey had begun but halted, the room was now illuminated and she had seen the extent of the awful mess in her once very neat living room. ‘Bloody hell.’

I paid her no mind; I had come to expect a degree of mess. And that degree was: “a lot”. Instead, I had made my way, cautiously, to the site of my now motionless foe.

Lying on a clear portion of the mint green rug, (by the way, ew), was a small blue creature. The body would’ve been that of a man scaled down to around the size of a watermelon, if not for its oversized head, hands, and feet – and of course the bat wings, fangs, pointed elfish ears, and tattoo-like markings which ran from its forehead to its toes. But apart from those things I’d say it was quite like a man. A man-thing. Although it might have been a woman-thing. The blue was close to sapphire and, upon closer inspection, I noticed the skin was quite strange a texture; almost scaled, though much smoother and flexible.

Despite my inarticulate way of describing the blue man-thing, (to which I have my own momentarily shaken disposition and your lack of familiarity to blame, reader), I was actually quite knowledgeable about the creature which lay before me. Its name I definitely knew. It was a Mystlethwayt harpy.

Surprisingly dangerous creatures, harpies. They have no predators, and no real prey, since they don’t eat or kill for any other reason. This results in a great deal of free time for a short-lived yet powerful being; free time which is most commonly spent with their families. However, occasionally a harpy becomes separated and, like in the instance of poor Mrs Hennessey, can bind itself to a witch or wizard for its own protection and enjoyment. A binding such as this cannot be undone, it is the promise of magic: the harpy will protect its bound-mate, though will also make their life hell. Not maliciously, harpies are by no means cruel or evil creatures; it’s just in their nature. Dizziness, fatigue, and drowsiness can all be symptoms of a harpy’s unwanted affection – the bond is oddly physical and almost parasitic in its affect, draining the host’s energy to ensure the host cannot attack or escape the harpy. The easiest way to break this binding is to kill the harpy. This happens often, and has contributed to the slow decline of harpy sightings in Britain over the last century. What are the other ways to break it? Well, killing the bound-mate would also suffice technically. And thinking about it, it definitely would have been much easier. But lastly: a bond can be broken by a very long and complicated casting of a very old and wordy spell. Unfortunately the spell only works if the harpy is in the presence of another harpy during the time of the incantation. Fortunately, this is my fifth harpy case this week.

You may be wondering why I didn’t just kill it. Because I didn’t. Fire is no serious threat to a magical creature, unless it’s a magic chicken or something specifically weak to going up in flames. No there aren’t actually magic chickens. The force of the spell had simply knocked it unconscious. And a good thing it did, since harpies are a nuisance and bloody tricky to catch in a net. Anyway, in answer to the question: it’s because it’s my job. I may despise being a doctor but a doctor I am. I treat the sick; loneliness is just another ailment. Truthfully, the harpy is as much my patient as Mrs Hennessey; it’s not a crime to be lonely. It is however an ailment as potent as any disease, bewitching, enchantment or infection.

I drew from my bag a clean jam jar, and with a quick wave of my wand, engorged it to a more reasonable size to accommodate the harpy. Then, as the creature had only just begun to stir, I scooped it gently into the jar and firmly closed the lid. Next I took to cutting small holes in the lid for breath with my wand pressed to the metal. Egrosa and Fini, Punctas, Ashta; meaning: Grow, and, Finite, Puncture, Metal.

‘Who’s going to pay for all this?’ Mrs Hennessey whined. The old woman had been grumpily muttering to herself until now; still surveying the recoverability of her possessions, one at a time placing the survivors on the coffee table. It was so far a thin collection.

I shrugged. Mrs Hennessey’s contract with the WICA (Wizarding Insurance Co. Albion) would cover any damages to her health or the health of any others in the home as a result of my visit and subsequent actions. I did not however, account for property damage.

‘It’s likely the harpy was the cause of your tiredness lately, Mrs Hennessey,’ I said, hoping to change the subject. Each time the old woman inspected another broken item I felt a compelling desire to wrap up and make haste for the door. ‘The creature will be accompanying me to my office. Once I’ve broken the magic binding it to you I will send word. Your symptoms should cease soon after that.’

‘How long will that be?’ she asked, apprehensively eyeing the jar I had tucked under my arm. ‘And what’ll you do with it after?’

‘A day or so. And I’ll make arrangements for the harpy to be taken into Lowely tomorrow. The keepers there will no doubt be able to reintegrate it to a community of its own kind.’

I could tell this wasn’t the answer Mrs Hennessey had been looking for; her brow and lips had tightened slowly as I had spoken.

‘Bloody pest it is. Just kill it and be done with it. Look at what it’s done to my poor old living room!’ she spat angrily, gesturing incredulously to the destruction around her.

  You might be wondering at this point why I’d become involved in all this at all. After all, in what sense does a harpy problem constitute a medical issue such that a doctor is required? I’ll explain.

In the wizarding world the number of issues associated with medicine are greatly increased. While I do deal with simple ailments such as a broken bone or a breakout of rabies, my duties also include: breaking hexes, enchantments etc., the symptoms of which often present as medical issues; resolving possessions and hauntings; and lastly of course, repelling, controlling or exterminating magical creatures which the presence of might cause declining health. Why all this under one umbrella profession? Because the WICA are lazy. And greedy. Training and hiring more doctors to treat everything works out cheaper than training, specialising, and then hiring a smaller number of workers for each a much smaller range of duties. If you’re ever confused as to the reason behind something government run, take my word for it that it always comes down to money. And I do mean government, not the private sector. The wizarding government is funded, and therefore run, almost exclusively by the WICA.

What’s to stop doctor’s from specialising on their own? Well, nothing. But do so at your peril; breaching the WICA medical officer contract would invalidate your medical license. And if that wasn’t bad enough, since the WICA write the paycheques, you’re only source of income would be your patients. Good luck making a living off of that.

(Another attempt at a piece for my Y2 assessment. I think I wrote this after a Harry Potter movie marathon and just wanted something wizard themed. I feel like it went okay, although I’m not sure about the bizarrely political last couple paragraphs... I have no intention of moving forward with this, though there is a lot of planning attached: something to do with Arthurian Legend...

P.S: I hope these titles aren’t getting confusing.)