#and now as an adult theyre still hella controlling but at least i have

[galactic-rhea]

listening to what my mom and my older sister's advices to a friend of them regarding her son and I'm here like

Holy cow on a motorbike, you both fricking suck so much at this, how am I a functional person

[chinon]

imma junior in high school and im so scared of college oh my god, i'm not even fully convinced that im gonna make it that far, i feel like that's literally my only option after i graduate that's not forcing me to immediately act like an adultTM but honestly i'd rather get mowed down by a truck

ok tbh college isnt as bad as i make it seem... like if you keep up with the work its not that bad. i have hella missing/late assignments rn so im stressed af trying to get those done as well as keeping up with the current work bc i have an.....incredibly horrible time management and procrastination issue and poor self-control lmao... 

tip: if you have issues with time management and procrastination as well, work on them in high school. you have the rest of junior year and then all of senior year to improve your work ethic (if thats an issue for you) so you wont get behind in college

Overshare(TM) time but also it has a point ok: junior year was Hell for me bc that was the year my mental health Plummeted,,like to the lowest level of hell lmao it was real bad and thats when i started seeing therapists and psychiatrists and had my first hospitalization and first suicide attempt. my mental health was horrible and i couldnt function and i was literally failing (as in F’s) or i had a D in all of my classes. it honestly felt horrible bc id been in advanced classes since i was 6 and id always been an overachieving, perfectionist, A/B student you know my performance was really good (even tho i was still mentally ill...but it was manageable) all up until junior year,,so going from being able to get into almost any college i wanted to a 1.something gpa junior year was horrible and it stressed me out even more and added to my poor mental state and i was so fucking scared i wasnt gonna be able to graduate and i no college would ever accept me and i wouldnt be able to go for my dream of being a vet and id be a disappointment to my whole family bc im supposed to be the doctor of the family but i failed at everything right ?? lmao senior year also sucked it wasnt as bad as junior year but it was still really bad. had a few more hospitalizations and another attempt at offing myself and more F’s and D’s and missed a ton of school. it got to the point where my fucking ap lit teacher suggested that i consider dropping out l m f a o it was bad and i was so scared and i’d already been heavily considering just dropping out and getting a GED for those two years but after she said that to me i actually got really pissed off and i was like fuck that im not dropping out im gonna prove her wrong. i was still scared i wasnt gonna graduate bc of how low my gpa was but i wasnt gonna drop out right ok anyway i got to graduate on time and with my class!!! i graduated with a cumulative 3.2 which sucked for me but it felt so good and i was so happy and relieved when i found out i was gonna be able to walk and it felt so so good hearing my name and walking across the stage to get my diploma i cant even describe how i felt tbh anyway my point is you can and you will get there ok you will graduate. and you can go to college if you want to

yeah when you go to college youre technically an adult but like a semi-adult like youre saying. and some of the other options like going straight into the workforce kind of shoves you into adulthood right out of college but i think its doable.

tbh high school teachers make college seem so difficult and scary but.....its not. i was honestly terrified as well but its not how they say it is at all. “papers without names get thrown away they dont ask whose it is!!!” is a damn lie. “profs dont accept late work or give extensions!!!” is a got dam lie as well smh. “youre on your own with your work. dont get the content? your only option is a tutor!!!” fuckin lie ok profs have office hours and literally all of my profs so far have said to feel free to visit during office hours if the content isnt making sense. they also mention getting a tutor, but theyre always happy to help explain things as well.

best thing is you get to make your schedule!! you pick what time you want to take a class and you get to pick which prof you want for that class (always check rate my professor; if the semester starts and its still in the beginning and you dont like your prof you can withdrawal from that class and sign up for a different prof of the same class if you want). if you know you are having trouble with performance and functionality for whatever reason, dont take a bunch of classes in a single semester!! its literally your decision!! idk about other schools but at my school to be considered a full-time student and to still be eligible to live on campus, you have to sign up for at least 12 credit hours (most people take 15). omg credits,,ok i had no idea wtf anyone was talking about when i was in hs and they would mention credits lmao so i wanna share in case you (or anyone else) dont know (see it below!) also, you can go about taking classes at your own pace. i failed my classes last semester due to mental health shit and a few more failed attempts to off myself and another hospitalization lmao but so i have to retake all those classes. evidently im behind. i know i cant handle 15 credits until my functionality improves and so at this point in time it looks like i wont be graduating in the usual four years but thats ok!! i have disorders that affect my functionality so i cant do things at the same pace as other people right now and theres nothing wrong with that. if i graduate in four years then cool and if i dont graduate in four and instead five years...then cool...ive accepted and come to terms with that. i could take summer classes to get back on track tho so remember thats always an option if you get behind if you choose college!! 

credit hours: ok so to be considered full-time (at my school, not sure about any others but i cant imagine them being too different tbh) you have to register for at least 12 credits for that semester. one class is usually 3 credits so signing up for four classes in a semester would consider you full-time. if you sign up for 5 classes that semester thats 15 credits hours. if your class has a lab in addition to lecture (usually science classes), labs are 1 credit so its separate from the lecture. so say you signed up for four classes but two have labs that would be 3+3+4+4=14 possible credits for that semester. if you pass a class you get all the credits and theyll be added on to your total credit hours. so (from the last example) if you passed all four of those lectures plus the two labs, youd get all 14 credits added on to your total credit hours. the rest of the classes you pass for your whole undergrad work gets its credits added to that total. i hope that makes sense??

everything seems scary rn but i promise whatever you choose to pursue is doable. good luck and try not to stress about it too much ok youre gonna be fine i promise

[aparoxysm]

all super detailed questions about Sally ✿♥‿♥✿

( @requicms , @sammrps --- koda, may and brandon are mentioned in this and you dont have to read because its HELLA LONG, but yeah. )

1. What’s their full name? Why was that chosen? Does it mean anything?

Every once and a while I’ll stumble across a name and be like “WOW why don’t people use this name more??? i love it??” and at the time, Sally was one of them. I knew most people always associated it with Nightmare Before Christmas/Blink 182 and I wanted to defy that with a character. I chose Redmayne because I’m a piece of shit and she’s got red hair so sue me hahahahaha. I wish I’d chosen something else now tbh. 

But Sally does mean “a sudden charge out of a besieged place against the enemy; a sortie.” which I think is unexpectedly more than accurate.

2. Do they have any titles? How did they get them?

Weak But Skilled, City Mouse, Control Freak, Daddy’s Girl, The Fashionista, The Fighting Narcissist, Ice Queen, Idle Rich, Insufferable Genius, Iron Lady,Lonely Rich Kid, The Prima Donna, Rich Bitch, Schemer, Socialite, Spoiled Brat.

3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory? 

In the grand scheme of things, Sally’s childhood was perfect. She grew up getting whatever it is she wanted, especially out of fear that since she’s adopted, if she didn’t, she would use her power to resent them for not being her biological parents. If there is anything that runs in their family, it is shallowness and insecurity. Good memories involve visiting holiday homes, travelling, going to broadway and fashion shows. Bad memories involve the first time she learned she was allergic to cats, swelling up to the size of twenty balloons and being hospitalized for a week, and her dad’s having to take time off.

4. What is their relationship with their parents? What’s a good and bad memory with them? Did they know both parents? 

On the over all, Sally has good relationships with both her adoptive parents. Jacob is a primadonna, a total diva, a socielite and a fashionista. She’s learned all of her high class, spoiled brat, fashion queen, superior antics from him. He likes to think he’s taught her everything there is to know about being a powerful woman among stupid men. She idolizes him

Peter, on the other hand, is far more reclusive and down to earth. He’s taught her the improtance of fairness, honesty and goodness. He was the one who always comforted her about her lonliness, the one who encouraged her to let herself be open to the idea of friendship with Kitty, he’s the one who’s always been there for a real piece of sound advice from the heart, rather than the head.

As for her birth parents, she’s met her mother, and they are nothing alike. She hasn’t yet gone to look for her father, but I hope to explore that soon.

5. Do they have any siblings? What’s their names? What is their relationship with them? Has their relationship changed since they were kids to adults?

I think that she does and she doesn’t know it yet. I have in mind a half brother, from her father’s side. A Dane Dehaan, a real Jerk With A Heart Of Gold type character. Someone who is comfortably wealthy but doesn’t see eye-to-eye with his father’s success. And I think that they would connect on a level of being kept out in the cold. I’d love to explore the idea more, but for now, it’s just that.

6. What were they like at school? Did they enjoy it? Did they finish? What level of higher education did they reach? What subjects did they enjoy? Which did they hate?

She was ever studious and typically the person everyone hated because she reminded the teacher that there was assigned homework. She graduated with flying colours, then went on to Uni and got accepted into an amazingly prestigeous program that allowed her to study in France and finish her degree. I forget what it was called, but I reasearched the school and their degrees. It was a combination of Fashion and Science and how the two enterlocked, very Sally. Fibre science I think or something. She loved all of her subjects, she’s such a nerd. She especially liked writing essays though, anything with writing and she was getting 100%. I think she only hated the practical side of things, like she is okay at sewing but I don’t see her being amazing at it. I think she likes the theory of textiles and likes telling people how to make them.

7. Did they have lots of friends as a child? Did they keep any of their childhood friends into adulthood? 

NOpe! Nic was headcanoned as her childhood friend since preschool, since her and his parents crossed over a lot with the town’s reputation. Jacob and Blanca were best of friends for many years so they pushed Sally and Nic to be the same, which they did, so there was that.

Otherwise in high school her only friend was Kitty. And after school, Koda. That was it basically. 3 Friends LOL. Now after all of that, she’s adding Brandon into the mix. She’s so picky with the people she shares herself with, I’m amazed she even has a handful.

8. Did they have pets as a child? Do they have pets as an adult? Do they like animals? 

Yes, her sweet little handbag dog, Amé. She was a birthday present a couple of years ago. She doesn’t really like animals no, they make her squeamish, but Amé is very quiet and gentlenatured, the perfect companion for Sally. She often is sleeping on Sally’s bed, her own doggy bed, or the couch. She’s kind of a quiet company for Sally, whom she sometimes talks to when she needs to vent her feelings. The only time Amé acts up is around people she doesn’t know, she gets way too excited and Sally hates it. She only likes when Amé is calm.

9. Do animals like them? Do they get on well with animals? 

HAHA nope. Sally with a big dog would be her Worst Nightmare™.

10. Do they like children? Do children like them? Do they have or want any children? What would they be like as a parent? Or as a godparent/babysitter/ect?

She does and she doesn’t like children. Like with her dog, when they’re quiet and they behave, she loves them. The moment they throw a tantrum or are loud or messy, she has to tell herself to chill out or else she’ll have a melt down. I feel like children hate her, even when she tries to like them and goes out of her characteristic way to be nice. Theyre just like “NO” and shes like “ok listen here u little twit if you dont appreciate what i am doing for you ---”

So I think as a parent she would be very controlling. Too controlling and her partner would have to encourage her to ease up sometimes, that her children arent projects to be completely controlled, that making mistakes is part of learning and growing up. And that would be so hard for Sally to let happen. She was such a good behaved child and she let her parents condition every aspect of her (well, mostly Jacob), so not doing the same would just make no sense to her.

She would be the most spoiling and scary-when-mad godparent/babysitter/etc.

11. Do they have any special diet requirements? Are they a vegetarian? Vegan? Have any allergies?

For the longest time she was vegetarian and didn’t drink alcohol AT all. Now, with character development, she’s gone vegan but allowed herself to drink on special occasions. She does, however, have an immense allergy to cat hair and some medications.

12. What is their favourite food? 

Sushi!!! (And her biggest guilty pleasure; macaroons. Dont let her near them she will eat them all uncontrollably. And feel ashamed every time.)

13. What is their least favourite food?

Meat.

14. Do they have any specific memories of food/a restaurant/meal?

Luis’ restauraunt ha ha ha. No but her and Nic used to always go for seafood, and she would break her vegetarian rules for him and eat shrimp. Now, I think she just enjoys going for green juices with May, and sushi train with Kitty. Also, take away will always remind her of Koda. And coffee dates, of Brandon. I feel like she has a scheduled day of the week for each other these hahaha.

15. Are they good at cooking? Do they enjoy it? What do others think of their cooking?

HAHAHAHA. Sally can’t cook, and she’d never really been interested in learning. Having a live-in housemaid kind of stopped her from learning to do anything domestic. She can’t cook, doesn’t know how to do laundry, and never got her driver’s lisence. She is a failure of a human in those aspects.

16. Do they collect anything? What do they do with it? Where do they keep it? 

Sally used to love doing crafts, and she would make cards every year for birthdays and holidays. So I imagine she still collects craft things for that, but never does it anymore because she’s too busy. They just kind of lay on her desk or in their craft box, never getting used. 

Of course, she also collects shoes and clothes. Duh.

17. Do they like to take photos? What do they like to take photos of? Selfies? What do they do with their photos?

Not really, she’s never had an eye for photography, and she hasn’t really had the chance to understand how a proper DSLR works. Mostly I think because she doesn’t really like being in photos. I imagine Kitty would always be like “!!!” when she’s photographed at a social event, showing off the print and Sally is just lowkey trying not to snatch it and burn it (but also look at it a lot in secret first to notice all her shallow imperfections). If anything, I think she would take photos of her parents on vacations, or of Kitty because she’d be constantly thrown her phone like “TAKE A PHOTO OF ME WITH THESE DOLPHINS!! HERE, TAKE A PHOTO OF ME LOOKING HOT BY THE POOL!!! OH MY GOD, LET ME GO STAND OVER THERE, YOU CAN TAKE A PHOTO!!” but also she would force Sally to be in some as well.

18. What’s their favourite genre of: books, music, tv shows, films, video games and anything else

Books: factual.Music: quiet, indie.Tv Shows: soap opera, dramatic not comical.Films: black and white, foreign with subtitles, romance, dark and philosophical themes.Video games; none.

19. What’s their least favourite genres?

Books: teen, sci-fi.Music: loud, obnoxious, rap, nsfw content.Tv Shows: comedic, ones that dont really follow a story line.Films: action.Video games; all.

20. Do they like musicals? Music in general? What do they do when they’re favourite song comes?

Okay she loves classic musicals. Like she is a big Les Misérables fan which is annoying because I hate it. I think she also LOVED the Lion King broadway show, Hairspray, Pracilla and like. Wicked obviously.

21. Do they have a temper? Are they patient? What are they like when they do lose their temper?

Oh she has a temper alright. But at the same time, sometimes, she can have incredible patiences. Like if she knows it’s worth waiting for (Kitty’s soberity, Koda’s health regeneration, Brandon’s ability to let her in) she’ll be a as patient as a saint. But she does lose her temper a lot, and she just goes full on control freak mode. She becomes impossible to deal with, so you kind of just need to let her ride it out. 

22. What are their favourite insults to use? What do they insult people for? Or do they prefer to bitch behind someone’s back?

You’re impossible. / You’re insufferable. / I hate you. / Excuse me? / etc.

She will insult people for just about any reason she sees fit.

23. Do they have a good memory? Short term or long term? Are they good with names? Or faces?

Annoyingly good memory. She’ll remember something you said on Tuesday the 14th of April, 1982.

24. What is their sleeping pattern like? Do they snore? What do they like to sleep on? A soft or hard mattress?

She’s that impossible creature that sleeps on a bed of 100 pillows, with her hands neatly folded over her sternum, hair laid out like sleeping beauty. She sleeps on pastel silk sheets, the hardest matress you’ll probably ever feel, and she goes to bed at exactly 9.30 pm every night and wakes at 6am every day without fail.

25. What do they find funny? Do they have a good sense of humour? Are they funny themselves?

When people think they’re better or smarter than her. She’s got a shit sense of humour though, she isn’t used to being the one making the jokes. She’s not really that funny tbh. Nor does she usually find other people’s sense of humour worth her time. So if she laughs at things you say, you’ve made it.

26. How do they act when they’re happy? Do they sing? Dance? Hum? Or do they hide their emotions? 

She cannot sing to save her life, so I think she talks to herself a lot. But the upbeat, chipper kind of way, that you’d notice because you can’t ignore it. I think she also does random acts of kindness, and that is super uncharacteristic, so you would definitely notice that too. 

27. What makes them sad? Do they cry regularly? Do they cry openly or hide it? What are they like they are sad?

The fact she’s lonely, the fact that her birth mother doesn’t want anything to do with her, the fact that she can’t have everything she wants at the drop of a hat, the fact that she doesn’t know how to make friends or feel normal like everyone else. And yeah, she’s got a lot of pent up emotion and doesn’t really know how to deal with being sad or disappointed. So I think mostly, she’ll go into her closet, shut the door and cry. She wont cry in front of someone else if she can help it. She’s too private about herself, she’d never let someone see she’s fallen from her perch.

28. What is their biggest fear? What in general scares them? How do they act when they’re scared?

That she’ll always feel how lonely she feels right now. Or that she’ll never have what everyone else has; friendship, family and a partner.

29. What do they do when they find out someone else’s fear? Do they tease them? Or get very over protective? 

I think it shocks her because to find out a persons fear, you need to be let in close to look at them, and she’s never expecting to be liked enough to be given that privilage. So she mostly falls silent, and just quietly thinks about it for a long time. Then, yeah, she gets protective and starts culling ways to help people achieve their goals rather than bring them down. Once she cares, she’s feircely supportive.

30. Do they exercise? Regularly? Or only when forced? What do they act like pre-work out and post-work out?

She goes for a 6.30 am run every day aside from Sundays and Mondays. Then she does yoga and pilates some other days, and has a very strict diet to keep the weight off. She was a bit chunkier in high school and the memory still horrifies her, even though it was just baby fat.

31. Do they drink? What are they like drunk? What are they like hungover? How do they act when other people are drunk or hungover? Kind or teasing?

Only on special occasions, like public events and holidays. I don’t think she’s ever been drunk before to be honest, but if she were to get drunk, just think of the scene where Kat Stratford drinks and starts dancing like a looney on the table, making a fool of herself. Yeah. Probably Sally lbh. Also, she’d get into political wars with everything, including a tree or chair.

32. What do they dress like? What sorta shops do they buy clothes from? Do they wear the fashion that they like? What do they wear to sleep? Do they wear makeup? What’s their hair like?

She wears a lot of Chanel the most, Prada shoes and handbags, and Gucci accessories. She wears lots of pasels, whites, creams, nudes, pinks, rosegolds, gold and browns. All the material is wears is high quality, and to sleep, she wears a pink silk nighty. She wears mineral cruelty free make up, and it’s all soft golds, browns, coppers and rose golds as well. She usually wears her hair up for work, down at home, and in a braid when she’s by herself or around someone she feels comfortable with. It’s her “chilled out” hair style, believe it or not.

33. What underwear do they wear? Boxers or briefs? Lacey? Comfy granny panties?

Pinks and whites, probably lacey tbh, and probably very expensive. She’s very much into haute couture so I can’t imagine her settling for non descript bonds or something. She probably has the most beautiful underwear sets that never go to any sexual use LOL.

34. What is their body type? How tall are they? Do they like their body?

She is short af. Hence why she likes to wear heels so often, even though she wears flats a lot, there’s no in between. While she’s skinny, I imagine she has lean thighs, like the kind people who run a lot get, and she hates it. She loves to run, and hates that it gives her “man calves and thighs”. It makes her hips look a little too big for her liking. She hates her body.

35. What’s their guilty pleasure? What is their totally unguilty pleasure? 

Guilty: Macaroons. They go against her no-sugar diet, but she loves them too much to say no. Unguilty: acting superior towards everyone.

36. What are they good at? What hobbies do they like? Can they sing?

She is good at debating and organizing. She likes to plan events and organize everything from the guest list, to the menu, to the decorations. She also likes craft, and planning outfits. She can’t sing. AT all.

37. Do they like to read? Are they a fast or slow reader? Do they like poetry? Fictional or non fiction?

She loves reading, she always has. She likes to read books to learn, not for fictional pleasure. She’s a really, really fast reader. She can finish books in one sitting (which makes me so jealous). She does like poetry, but often the really ambiguous kind from authors not a lot of people are familiar with. Non fiction, 100%.

38. What do they admire in others? What talents do they wish they had?

She wishes she could relax and dance silly like Kitty, just to make people smile and to feel true freedom. She wishes she could speak more languages (even though she can speak 5 and write 3). She wishes she could be normal, and she admires people for their adaptability and empathy.

39. Do they like letters? Or prefer emails/messaging? 

Oh the romantic in her loves them, but the old fashioned prude in her loves them too. She sends lots of letters, but also uses emails for work a lot. She likes all of them.

40. Do they like energy drinks? Coffee? Sugary food? Or can they naturally stay awake and alert?

Energy drinks? No. Coffee? Yes. Sugary foods? No. She is hyped up on her own sense of crazy so she doesn’t really need any of these.

41. What’s their sexuality? What do they find attractive? Physically and mentally? What do they like/need in a relationship?

Heterosexual. 

Things she finds attractive; good wit, chivalry, sense and reason, sensible people, smart people, business savvy people, a good suit, cleanshaven and expensive cologne, wealth and passion.

What she wants in a relationship; romance, support, devotion.

What she needs in a relationship; respect of privacy, trust, honesty.

42. What are their goals? What would they sacrifice anything for? What is their secret ambition?

Her goals lay in the fashion industry, she wants to work in a BIG and well known company, where she can boss people around and choose looks for approaching seasons. She likes to buy for companies, rather than design. She likes being the one who chooses what’s hot and what’s not. 

She would sacrifice her dream of having a family if it meant getting the career of her dreams.

Personal goals include getting married and having children.

Her secret ambition is to finally be okay with who she is as a person, and stop trying to live to her expectation of what everyone else thinks is right and just.

43. Are they religious? What do they think of religion? What do they think of religious people? What do they think of non religious people?

Yes, she’s a Christian. She goes through phases of practicing, she used to a lot more when she was younger, but now she likes to practice quietly and in privacy. She thinks non religious people are missing out.

44. What is their favourite season? Type of weather? Are they good in the cold or the heat? What weather do they complain in the most? 

Spring, because florals! But also autumn, because autumn colours are so her colours. She likes the filler seasons because she doesn’t like extreme heat or cold. Her perfect weather is no wind, but a slight chill in the air. She doesn’t do well with ice and snow OR heat and sunburn. She complains about the cold the most I think.

45. How do other people see them? Is it similar to how they see themselves? 

They usually see her as stuck up, bossy, annoying, spoiled, narcassistic, and controlling. And tbh it’s not much different to how she sees herself, becuse she does acknowledge all of those traits in herself. But it kind of makes her sad too, because rather than trying to prove people wrong, she puts up a guard. If that’s what they think? Then good for them, they’re missing out, they’ll never get to see how much love she actually has to give, or how supportive, loyal and caring she can be.

46. Do they make a good first impression? Does their first impression reflect them accurately? How do they introduce themselves?

HA, no way. People hate her on sight generally. Usually she introduces herself with a look of really not wanting to be there. She’s very snobby, so you’ll be able to tell instantly if she likes you or not. Other than that, when she knows it’s in her best interest not to be rude, she’s fake. She’s so shiny plastic fake, that it’s usually easy to see through as well.

47. How do they act in a formal occasion? What do they think of black tie wear? Do they enjoy fancy parties and love to chit chat or loathe the whole event?

Shiny plastic fake, as put just before. She adores formal occasions and events, she loves black tie events, but she loves white tie more. Being invited to prestigious events makes Sally believe she’s worth something, even though she knows that without all the wealth and notoriety, these people are basically nothing. She likes the entrepreneurial air of fancy parties, the networking, the gossip. She likes feeling included in something that really couldn’t care less if she turned up or not. :/

48. Do they enjoy any parties? If so what kind? Do they organise the party or just turn up? How do they act? What if they didn’t want to go but were dragged along by a friend? 

Yes, the big, fancy, corperate types. You won’t catch her at a bar, club or house party though to save her life. Not unless Kitty literally bound and dragged her there. She likes to organize any formal event she can, if she can get her name on the commitee list, she will put 110% towards making sure it’s a big success. 

If she’s being dragged to a party, Sally normally sits uncomfortably and turns down every drink/food offered to her. She complains the whole time, looks upset and unsettled, and asks when she can go home all night. Probably leaving of her own accord once Kitty gets too drunk. (with or without her).

49. What is their most valued object? Are they sentimental? Is there something they have to take everywhere with them?

Her day planner, it has her life inside it, and she relies so heavily upon it I’m not sure what she’d do without it. It goes everywhere with her yes, along with her phone because of her calendar. She’s always got something on in the next five minutes, whether it’s actually something important or “bathroom break”. 

She’s very sentimental though. She remembers her first pair of shoes she bought herself, the first Chanel dress her father gave her, the necklace she got for her birthday, the complimentary pack she got from her first fashion show as a somebody, the shrivelled balloon from the first birthday party Kitty ever threw for her, etc. Those things stay with her forever, and she keeps them very dear to her cold, stony heart.

50. If they could only take one bag of stuff somewhere with them: what would they pack? What do they consider their essentials?

Her day planner. Facial and body clenses. A hair brush/comb. Her phone. A smart pair of flats. Her passport and another form of ID. Hand cream. A travel sized perfume. Hand sanitizer and a packet of sanitizer wipes. An echo bottle of water. A good quality sweater in case she gets cold. Asprin and an epipen. 

[docj-md]

Q1

so quarantine was supposed to be good for me.  im not sure if im sad because of the hormones from my period but im fucked up. i wish i wasnt trapped with my parents i wish i was by myself.  everything makes me sick to my fucking stomach 

my mom may be sick and its stressing me out because i dont think shes really sick with corona as shes implying, i think shes going through menopause and fuck it bad enough i have to deal with her on her period when im on mine shes going to be hella sensitive she needs fucking help and she wont go like actual mental fucking help.

ive stopped talking to my cousins for the time being theyre fucking irritating. one cant stop lying to me well actually two one stole money from me.  another is just so bitchy and gets in an attitude when she doesnt get her way.  im not entertaining their shit anymore.  im trying not to give power to anything that doesnt support me.. they do support me but i feel like im above them

i know im narcissistic at this point.  i can give a fuck less.  ive been quiet for so long id rather be by myself so i dont have to give power to people who dont give a fuck about my well being more than what they can get out of me.

my first best friend makes me want to shoot my brains out.  she talks so fucking much but i stick around because i feel bad for her she has no other friends.  i tried to help but she doesnt want help and i realize that not my fucking problem but i feel like she will kill herself if i stop talking to her believe me ive tried

i miss my second bestfriend so fucking much.  as much bullshit as we went through i miss her she gave me so much peace but to everyone around us we were toxic for each other.  i dont get why people are fucking haters.  i was supposed to see jhene with her after this school shit wrapped up and look its cancelled fucking vip fucking tickets

my third bestfriend ugh what can i say.  shes around and she knows what it is she supports me and my bullshit just as bestfriend number two without judging me.  they are my true bridesmaids cause they know me and wont make shit in my life about them.

my husband.  makes me fucking sick but if theres anyone i want to be around right now its him.  the shit this man has put me through.  i recently found out he was living with someone else his number 3 girl and im his number 2.  number 1 and 3 got into it and now hes alone and number 1 wont talk to him.  so its just me as far as i know.  ive been told its my fault hes like that because i wanted an open relationship but that was before i had feelings like this for him.  i just want him to myself but i was still talking to other guys and im still talking to this other guy not as much but hes around because hes sweet and i dont want to hurt his feelings but the more i drag this out the worse its going to get.  in the same way i cant trust y husband he cant trust me or shouldnt at least. i want to be faithful to him and have an adult conversation about it but i have to let this other thing go first.  i dont know why the fuck im still attached to him.  i want him so bad but he doesnt respect me as much as i respect him.  what the fuck is wrong with me.  i want this man even if it hurts me.  i want him all the time im obsessed and he knows. its good that he creates boundaries i guess cause i wont i dont know how to even make them

my therapist is going to have a field day when i talk about it this week.  im tired of talking about my mommy issues im just not going to give her petty ass arguments the energy she wants me to.  i have a new therapist by the way and shes black and i feel like she fucking understands what the fuck i am talking about and she listens to jhene

second time i referenced jhene i need a paragraph for her but im not in love with chilombo as much as i was with trip.  i love it and know all the songs ik its weird i appreciate it but i dont think im ready to heal im fucking angry thats probably why my blood pressure is so high all the time and why i need to smoke so often.  im constantly at 10 ive been procrastinating lately and when i tell you ive been on my shit in the beginning of the semester and now everything is back to being last minute i was good until i moved back home what the hell is wrong with me

my life is a mess and its partially me and its partially out of my control.  what i can control is how i speak to my parents and i will.  what i can control is keeping the other dude around when i want to keep my attention on someone else and i will work on it. what else i can control is getting back on my shit no matter how much i feel like shit.  ill do better with my relationships because ive been sabotaging them at this point.i am better by recognizing it and trying to do something about it.  im trying to work on manifesting and being more sure in what i say even if it doesnt happen i am making the effort.

ooo chile the headache i got rn it dull but there and its mkaing me nauseous? i need more pamprin