#and now I have a 9-5 hopefully I have the spare brain capacity

[6ebe]

once the euros are done I need to get back into my movie watching era nothing makes me feel more alive than watching amazing cinema on the reg 😌

[andstilliam]

i got out of bed a bit late this morning but decided to go for another walk in PPP. i saw my girl running and we lapped each other again and stopped for a quick chat. she's such a sweet person, a real ray of sunshine. i saw a lot of people running, some obviously from dal with their dal gear. it definitely made me want to train. unfortunately i am not well enough to train in running, and i likely won't be for a long time. it was a nice walk but i was really dehydrated so it could've been better. came back and had my waffles and tea. i also treated myself this morning to a starbucks cappuccino. i've been adding a lemon slice to my tea and it's quite nice.

my period is soooo bad this cycle, thankfully ending now. overall this cycle felt pretty whack for me. i didn't feel like everything was happening on time and then lasting longer as well. heavy bleeding this time around. it's most likely low iron but i don't want to take my iron pills. not as lethargic as last month but still lethargic if that makes sense lol. so much suicidality. thank god my moods change in the snap of a finger but it's so annoying to have those kinds of thoughts at all. i was just thinking today how i've always felt so far removed from suicide, like knowing that my brain is doing this and it's not me. well thank god i have the capacity to separate that. although i don't think i have that ability with my ed. i've never viewed my ed as a separate entity, which is even weirder now given i'm not bulimic anymore and how much i rave about hating bulimia. it's like okay yeah, but you did identify as being bulimic for quite a while.

i did a deep dive on post partum depression and learned that post partum psychosis was a thing. i don't even remember how i stumbled upon this topic. it was probably the news of Chianti Means who jumped off Niagra Falls with her 2 children, her son aged 9 and her daughter, 5 mos old. Just heartbreaking......I watched a video her brother posted on Facebook and he's just laying there in silence with tears streaming down his face and the only thing he says in those 3 mins is "My sister jumped off the falls. What the fuck." It's just so sad. So then I read up on other cases of women killing their children and themselves or attempting. So terrifying. So that case has been on my mind. And last year, a woman visiting from Illinois jumped off the Falls with her 5 year old son who miraculously survived. Thank god he's only 5. He'll likely repress the memory for most of his life and hopefully his family spares him of this. Idek if he survived. People who've watched this happen say that before they jumped, they were calm and so it took them a few minutes to register what happened. That's just so scary to me. How someone can willingly fall to their death happily, in a sobering state. I feel like I can't imagine what these women go through to take their kids with them and die. They say that psychosis can wax and wane and it just happens in one moment. They say that with suicide too. That has always frightened me given how frequently I change states. Even when using drugs recreationally, i always feared death. i always think about my family and i would literally start panicking. and to think that panic doesn't set in for people, it's so strange. i feel like if i didn't have a family, i'd consider ending my life on my own terms. but i do have a family and i want to create my own family as well so i'm never alone. you have a responsibility to the people who are here and with you. that's why i've always been so afraid of the ideation i experience because it's random for me and it's absolutely not what i want for myself and my loved ones. i've always had that awareness. but one moment can change everything. imagine just freely jumping off a cliff and all your worries just vanish. the only desperation i've ever felt in my life was going through untreated epilepsy and in all honesty, i believe that is worth attempting suicide over-- if it's going to get you help. my experience was horrifying but i will never regret it. i have never in my life felt that hopeless before, like i had nothing and no one to turn to, no other option. i've never in my life felt that powerless. i will never regret overdosing on heroin because of it and if i had to do it all over again, i absolutely would. it changed my life for the better, not because i survived, but because i got help. i would not wish impaired awareness seizures on my worst enemy. nobody deserves to lose their dignity like that. nobody deserves to lose control of their faculties to the point where they can't even move. the sad reality of my situation is that i didn't have another option. that option worked and so thankfully, i don't have to consider another one. so when people talk about MAiD and suicide, for the first time ever in my life, i can understand as to why people think that's their only option because at one point, it was mine. and that's how i feel about it. but don't think that's sad. it isn't a sad ending for me. my life flourished from that moment onwards. anticonvulsants dramatically improved my life. even though i can go on and on and on about how that never should've happened....it happened, and my doctors saved my life. they saved my life when it came to that and i will always be grateful for that. it changed my life forever. because i know i'm a rarity-- not to brag...teehee....but it takes something and someone special to go through that with you, and i had that privilege. so, how could i ever be hateful for that? i never will be, ever. my life was saved. and that's also how i feel about it.