#and not focus on the guy that broke and rejected me just for a hobby

[yaomomvs]

— BEING INARIZAKI’S TEAM MANAGER AND A SECRET VOLLEYBALL PLAYER

inarizaki x f!manager

this is part of a hcs series, let me now what team you want next <3

okay so actually you ended being the manager because the girls volleyball team had already closed the application time

so you you were really looking forward to it and omg you were so sad about it

after being rejected, you were just peacefully going through the gym and you heard laughter from a bunch of guys

you recognized kosaku since he was in your class and waved at him.

and so, they were talking about getting a manager since this team is pretty much a lot to handle

and so since kosaku knew you were hard working and that the first idea that popped out oh his head was that if you wanted to try out.

kita respectfully introduced himself and asked if you were willingly try out 🥺🥺🥺 like what a man 🥺🥺

and mostly because the twins having fangirls always made this process kind of difficult, so instead kita and aran wanted to make sure it was someone who at least was trusted by one of them

and not to brag but bestie you are gorgeous

so it was a win win

atsumu refused to this because as the jerk he usually is, he said that he didn’t need any help

that son of a bitch

he was being soooo petty mainly after you said “oh don’t worry kita, idiots are not my type”

osamu fell in love with you ❗️

and aran

and suna

and well the team.

and so, looking at the other court where the girl vbc was training you said that it was something.

every! single! practice! is! chaotic!

but somehow you managed them so well

atsumu is still trying to prove that he doesn’t but oh boy he is the first one to requiere your help

you better believe this guys are your simps and are constantly competing over someone who a year ago could never imagine they had

your attention? the best way to prove each other they were superior

in away games, god bless the idiot that wants to even dares to try to do a move on you

they are lowkey intimidating

not but seriously

specially and surprisingly kita and aran

son como esos niños mamones fresas que de cierto modo les tienes miedo

besides

this team? over the moon for you

and tbh, they were so grateful for you, you did a lot for them that they started to feel some kind of embarrassing how before they wouldn’t know how to do basic stuff like cooking for camps, labeling they jerseys correctly, searching for new equipment like they love you

anyways that however was kinda sus to them

it all started when somehow you learned so quickly, and the technical stuff was not hard to understand as to others

surprisingly the first one to notice was suna

you could have said something but tbh

you still look forward to play volleyball like more seriously even as a hobby

BUT

BUT

you’d rather be dead than telling your team that’s what you wanted because

a) they could think you only joined to learn volleyball and not help them

b) you had your pride, you want to be recognized by your own merits rather than “of course, they are inarizaki’s manager if they weren’t they could have never been this good”

so you still played volleyball but hid from them

there was a gym nearby where constant tournaments were held

you were a ghost because knowing damn well your boys could go there at any moment you decided to take some precautions

like nickname and position was everything they knew about you

your teammates loved you, so they respected your private life, and it was kind of cool

but what you were not expecting is that for some reason, omimi had followed you one day bc you forgot something after practice.

being a friday it meant for some weird reason you always rushed out

“sus” suna says everytime

so he catches you going out to the gym and maybe, he thought, you were just going to workout or see someone

BUT THIS GUYS EYEBALLS ALMOST FALL WHEN HE SEES TOY RUSH AND TAKE OFF YOUR SCHOOL UNIFORM SHIRT AND TIE TO FUCKING REVEAL A JERSEY WUTH A #3 on it

bye you broke him

and so he tries to process it normally

key word: tries

and here we are him being interrogated by the team incredulous to his words.

ay first they interrogated him being overprotective by the fact that he was spending more time with you but when he tells them what he saw god dammit

they loose it when they find out.

and so, tsumu says something that everyone agrees with him for the first time

“let’s go and spy”

“i swear to god if y/n finds out...”

“shut up aran, unless you want to make it obvious and reveal our identity dumbass!”

“tsumu, the disguises are awful”

“come on kita not you too!”

“what if”

“akagi shut up all of you agreed with the idea”

“osamu you suck”

and so there they go. trying to find you in the sea of people at the entrance, not having a clear view yet, they only search for the navy blue and white uniform that omimi described to them when he saw you.

and then almost as if it was the gods plan, they started hearing whispers of people around mentioning the arrival of one of the most popular teams out there.

“come on what the big deal-” suna started saying, however your figure appeared and he instantly turned into a babbling mess.

as well as the rest of inarizaki vbc.

osamu had to double check to assure himself that it indeed was you, beautiful as ever, walking alongside your hot and apparently talented team.

minutes later, they were standing in the bleachers as quiet as they could. they spotted you.

“A SETTER” atsumu jumped of his seat and had to be scolded by aran who was also surprised by the position you were going to be playing.

“wasn’t expecting that” ginjima talks saying what everyone was currently thinking.

behind them was a couple of guys, who apparently did not know how lower their comments.

“the setter is kinda cute” “wow look at that” oml please even aran who was the voice of reason had the urge to punch them in the face.

still they decided to just focus on your game who has now been started. and even tho they wanted to not do it, they couldn’t help analyzing you and your moves in the court. it was natural, well because they were players and very good ones it’s inevitable for them to compare and to study the way you played more than anything.

they were not expecting you to be this good. almost everything in your technique was polished, your tema work was remarkable and god bless your ability to read the blockers.

but there was a moment when they just saw the panoramic view of your skills. atsumu could see your tired expression, the sweat on your body, he just knew you were feeling now the adrenaline of the last moments of the set.

still you yelled a “we will take it” and then, with the others team hope hanging on a thread, the ball came to your libero, which perfectly passed the ball to you.

there was greed in your eyes, so scary that kita for a moment feared for the other team.

and it was when you did the setter dump that your whole team stood up in pure shock.

who were you and why were you hiding?

sadly the boys screamed way too loud which lead to you, after you made the last point and give the history to your tema, lifted up your gaze and saw a bunch of idiots wearing hats and everything in between.

suna and tsumu ran the fastest in the team directly to the gate, and the with a bunch of losers behind them,

because after everything you were there arms crossed and a murderous look in your eyes.

“IM TOO YOUNG TO DIE Y/N” “osamu shut up!”

they, once you made sure to pinch each and everyone’s ears, starred bombarding questions on how did you managed to learned that and why you did ikr tell them

“come on guys, in school i’m already looked down at just because it’s you! so could you imagine me being a inarizaki student trying to move without your name?”

kita forced them to shut up and aran felt a a kind of guilt

as week as everyone else

“don’t worry y/n, we know now what it’s like to not being your own author.”

and so, they just told you how proud they were.

“maybe we are jerks but y/n we are your jerks, and over there or respect to you has just grown up”

suna the says “you’ve been there all of the time for a while now, i guess it out time to return the favor”

and so ever since then they alwaaaaays try to be at your games

like pls once the referee said one of your serves was out and from the bleachers he screaaaaaaamed, he claims that it was definitely in

kita always gives you some food after a game or practice

talking about practice

even if you are there for being a manager they always try to, at least half an hour before ending practice, they have a quick game with you playing alongside them or just including you in their repeats etc

and goooood bless once again anyone who tried to look down at you.

because after being constantly on you games ofc people started recognizing them as the inarizaki power house

if they heard someone relying your talent on them pls make sure they five them the coldest look ever

like ‘nah bro i dare you to say that one more time’

*knive eyes*

and

even some girls attend your games trying to flirt with them

you know what they do?

they brush them off and say “sorry, my type is y/n” suna says and the are 😳

pretty much everyone does this

come on even aran

inarizaki best boys 🥺🥺🥺

[bitch-im-your-biggest-nightmare]

Happily Ever After [Corpse x Reader]

Warnings: Angst, neglect, argument Summary:  corpse and the Reader get into an argument cause he’s been neglecting her for awhile. He overworks himself and when he has days off he’s always with his friends and so she tells him about it, he says some hurtful things to her during the argument. The reader takes his words to heart and she begins to distance herself from him and she stops doing the little things that he loved about her. Whenever he tries to hang out she always rejects him or she’s hanging out with her friends. He then talks to her about it, he wants to know what caused her change of heart. When he finds out it was really his fault, he tries to fix it. Request: @xxasteriaxx​ A/N: This is gonna be a sad one with maybe a happy ending- who knows? My stories are coming out slower now and I am sorry about that! Now that it's Friday, I will try my best to get more stories out during the weekend. Online school has pretty stressful and my sleep schedule has been whack. Tag list: Tag list:  @save-the-sky @alilshit @whatifwedo @hughugh20 @fleurmoon @bi-andready-tocry @itsminniekat @yoongi-holland @loraleiix @hacker-ghost @fanworrior @marvelous-musicals @annshit @unknown-and-invisible @letsloveimagines @babyhoneystvles 

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Y/N didn’t know what went wrong in the relationship. Was it her? Why was she being.. neglected by Corpse? Did she do something wrong? Corpse was always overworking himself with editing his videos, recording, and streaming. And when he has time off, he doesn’t care to spend to time with Y/N. He’s always with his friends in a discord call, playing Among Us, or doing anything else with them. She started to think.. Did he not love her anymore? 

Y/N whipped up Corpse a grilled cheese sandwich. She knew she should cook- it was her hobby and her talent. She also knew that Corpse loved when she made this. She came to the conclusion that he was just stressed and maybe needed some love and food. So she went out of her way to make this meal amazing. It was crispy and looked aesthetically pleasing and delicious. She was very proud of it and was excited to show Corpse. 

She picked the plate up and walked over to Corpses office. She slowly opened the door, wincing at the loud creaking sound. Corpse seemed to be playing Among Us with his friends but wasn’t streaming. She walked over and set the plate down then wrapped her arms around him, giving him a kiss on the cheek. Corpse moved his head away a little and squirmed, “Thanks Y/N” Corpse said, focusing on his screen. 

“Can we cuddle after you’re done playing?” Y/N asked. It’s been a while since they have, the bed began to feel oddly cold without Corpses arms around her. She missed it very much, she really wanted to have a nice warm cuddle session with him. 

“Mhm.” Corpse replied dismissively, which made Y/N frown. She give him another kiss and muttered ‘I love you’. She didn’t leave, instead she closed the office door and sat down next to him on the ground. He looked at her curiously, “Aren’t you going to leave?” he asked. 

Y/N frowned, “I wanna spend time with you. I won’t bather you, I promise.” 

Corpse sighed, then got back to playing the game. After a little bit, he finally decided to eat the sandwich. It made Y/N happy to see him eat, she knows he hasn’t eaten in a while. She stayed in that exact spot the whole time he played. When he got off, she stood up and was excited to cuddle with him. She has been waiting for this moment her entire life. She went to hug him and he stood up but- he just.. pushed past her. Y/N frowned, following him out of the office. “Cospsie!” Y/N said, “Aren’t we gonna cuddle?” 

“Oh.. don’t have time. I’m going out for a little bit.” Corpse said, putting his sneakers on and looking for his hoodie. But it wasn’t where he last had it, did he misplace it? lose it? And then he knew, he looked at his girlfriend to see him wearing the hoodie he was looking for. “Can I have my hoodie back?” he asked.

“But it’s comfy!” Y/N smiled, snuggling into it. She loved wearing Corpses clothes- especially his hoodies. And the hoodie she was wearing was her favorite. The deep smell of cologne soothed her to sleep and the warmth was amazing. She thought Corpse loved when she wore his clothes, they were always oversized on her and that's what he loved- but she guessed she was wrong.

“I don’t care can I please have it back?” Corpse asked, beginning to get a little frustrated. 

Y/N was a little caught off guard, but she took the warm hoodie off and handed it to Corpse, muttering a small ‘sorry’ as she handed it to him. She watched him put it on and just leave without saying a word. Y/N was let down, she was really looking forward to cuddling with him.. guess she’ll have to wait. Y/N went to the couch and laid down, grabbing a big that laid across the top to snuggle up in. It didn’t take her long to fall asleep either, she didn’t even realize how tired she was.  

After a couple of hours, when the sun wa setting over skyline and slipping beneath tall standing skyscrapers, Corpse returned home. He was exhausted, he went out to the park and the mall to get a whole lot of things. He dropped the bags on on the island of the kitchen, and walked out into the living room. He saw Y/N cuddled up and frowned. He loved her very much, but she's been getting in the way of his work lately and has been being very clingy. Corpse went over and gave her a kiss on the temple before walking back to their room to sleep. 

~Timeskip~

After a couple of days Y/N began to feel frustrated at how she was being neglected. She missed the warm hugs and kisses she got from Corpse, she getting tired of giving morning kisses with reply. She started believe that love lies, she felt her mind saying Corpse was in love with someone else. That would explain why he liked to go out a lot now. But no, you know from his friends snaps and tweets that hes just with his friends- right? Maybe he fell in love with Sykkuno or Dave or something.. Y/N wouldn’t be surprised. 

She looked through Corpses phone and computer, finding nothing but work, recordings, discords, games, and all that other stuff so he couldn’t be cheating. Y/N decided to ask Corpse why he was neglecting her. Neglect was what she feared... She was already in a abuse relationship where she was neglected and cheated on. Corpse was the only guy that told her ‘I love you’ and really meant it. It was a while until Y/N was confident enough to even begin a serious relationship which every guy she tried pushed EXCEPT Corpse. She was not ready to lose the prize she won with Corpse, she was not going to lose him because he’s too selfish and dumb to put just a few seconds of his time to her. 

She missed the kisses... She missed him.Y/N walked into the living room to see Corpse sitting on the couch. He was texting with someone Twitter, she didn’t know because she couldn’t see the name. “Hey.. Corpse?” 

Corpse looked up, “Yeah?” he said. 

“Uhm... why have you been.. y’know, neglecting me lately? It’s been a while and I really want to spend time with you.” Y/N said, walking over to sit next to him on the couch. 

Corpse sighed, “Can I not have some time alone? You’re being clingy.” 

Y/N frowned, clingy. “Of course you can have time alone! I just wanna spend time with you. Is that a bad thing?” 

“Well, you’re always on my case!” Corpse raised his voice, catching Y/N off guard. “You’re always asking for attention and pushing yourself into my personal space! You always say ‘I love you’ every single fucking minute, I get it! Ok?! Just stop being so fucking demanding!” 

Y/N moved back a little, she was surprised by being screamed at by Corpse- it never happened. She was hurt. Was Corpse right about all of those things? Was she an attention seeker? Was her ‘I love you’s too much? Was she demanding? She sniffed, standing up and walking away to go to their bedroom. 

“Don’t be so dramatic Y/N!” Corpse yelled to her. He had angry built up in his system. He had so much work and so much to do, he couldn’t have Y/N bothering her. And he wanted to have a good social life- he needed friends. Couldn’t Y/N see that?!

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Just like what Corpse wanted, Y/N didn’t bother him anymore. The morning kisses and snuggles were gone. She stopped planting kisses on his cheek and his lips in the morning, night, and throughout the day. She stopped wearing his clothes and hoodies, leaving all the warmth for coziness to Corpse. And she also stopped saying I love you, which she missed so much. She missed all of it, but it was what Corpse wanted and that was all that mattered.

But she also realized that Corpse began to want her attention- but she needed to give him space. He wanted space, that's what he said- so she was going to give it to him! She wasn’t going to bother him during streams, only to give him food and/or a drink. Y/N hung out with her friends more often, giving Corpse as much space as he can possibly can have. 

Corpse just got done streaming and was looking for Y/N. His fans were going crazy on uncomfortable questions today. Apparently they have realized the lack of the Y/N and the lack of Corpse talking about how great she was- they thought something happened like they broke up or she died or something. Corpse was too bothered by Y/N neglecting him to focus on what he was doing, so he ended early. He searched the house but couldn’t find Y/N, so he called her. 

“Y/N? Where are you?” Corpse asked once she picked up after three rings. 

“I’m with Kariya, Eris, and Morgan right now.” Y/N replied, “Aren’t you supposed to be streaming?” 

“Mhm but I ended it early. When are you gonna get home?” Corpse asked. He internally sighed, wishing Y/N was here to spend time with him. He was worried- not that she was gone but because she hasn’t been wearing his clothes. None of his hoodies or shirts were gone. And he knew for a fact that she loved wearing his rose hoodie and his flanel out in public. 

“Dunno. Probably an hour.” Y/N said, “I gotta go now, Kariya just got her nails done.” 

“Oh.. ok bye. Lo-” He was cut off by the call ending. He frowned, was she ignoring him? Why? Did he do something wrong? Did she not love him anymore? He knew he was stressed but he’s not anymore. He decided to scroll through reddit and find some unsettling stories he could maybe read for his channel. He checked his email and saw many good stories that were worth reading for his channel. But soon, he got bored and sat back in his chair and let his mind wander off into the forest of his mind. He hoped for his mind to play in sunlit grass and smell the heather growing but no.. they just ended up wandering down into the undergrowth and crevasses, breathing in the cold musty scent of dirt and moss. He just thought of Y/N.. did he mess up the only relationship he was able to carry? He felt like a river going down into a raging waterfall. There was a stream of sadness that touched his skin like an icicle against his neck. He needed to see what was wrong with Y/N, he needed to know what he did wrong. 

The minutes felt like hours and the hours felt like years. It was dark- very dark when Y/N returned home. When Y/N got home, Corpse perked up at the sound of the front door opening and the familiar pattern of Y/Ns footsteps. Corpse stood up and left his office, greeting Y/N by pulling her into a hug. “I missed you.” 

“Mhm” Y/N hummed, hugging him for a second before walking to their bedroom. Corpse frowned, following her in. He watched as she took her sneakers off- but looked away as she changed her clothes. He sat on the bed ans sat down next to him. 

“Y/N?” Corpse said, watching her face “Why have you been.. like... ignoring me?” Y/N looked at him, but said nothing. “You stopped giving me kisses, stopped wearing my clothes, and most importantly you stopped saying I love you. Whats going on?” 

Y/N looked puzzled, looking at Corpse like he was delusional. “Isn’t this what you wanted?” then she got under the blankets and faced her back on Corpse, turning the lamp on her bedside table off. 

Corpse frowned yet again, his face twisting into confusion. “What? What do you mean?” he asked, but got no answer, “Y/N? What do you mean?” He asked again to no prevail. “Y/N?” He asked, but this time waited a couple seconds. Then he sighed and gave up, getting under the covers and closing his eyes. Lets just say... he couldn’t sleep that night.

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Another day, another day with no cuddles, kisses, or cuteness. Corpse was getting tired, sad, and frustrated. That sentence never left his mind, “Isn’t this what you wanted?” What did she mean? What did Corpse do?

While Y/N was out Corpse decided to turn to his friends for help. Maybe they knew how to deal with it, they were always so nice and helpful. He hit Sykkuno up, saying 

Corpse: Hey I need relationship advice... 

Sykkuno answered rather quickly, making Corpse feel kinda special. 

Sykkuno: Oh no what did you do?

Corpse: That's the thing idk 

Sykkuno: Is Y/N acting strangely? 

Corpse: Yeah shes been ignoring me 

Corpse: Do you think she doesn’t love anymore?

Sykkuno: Y/N? Not loving Corpse? never heard of it. 

Sykkuno: You probably said something that bothered her tbh 

Corpse stared at his screen, then it hit him. All the shit he’s said to her... It all came back to him like an avalanche. 

“Well, you’re always on my case!” Corpse raised his voice, catching Y/N off guard. “You’re always asking for attention and pushing yourself into my personal space! You always say ‘I love you’ every single fucking minute, I get it! Ok?! Just stop being so fucking demanding!” 

Corpse gasped, realizing all the things he said. He felt so much guilt, he did this to Y/N, this is why she hated him now. She had make things better between them, he had to fix things. But how? He didn’t even care to reply to Sykkuno as he googled ways to make a girl happy.

“Be physically and emotionally present.” 

“Send her cute and meaningful texts.”

“Give her loving gifts.” 

“Give her unexpected embraces.” 

“Sit next to her.” 

All of them were great, but didn’t help his case that much. He needed something cute and.. something Y/N will like. He sighed, sitting back in his chair and looking at his ceiling. He decided to try all of these and see which one will help. First, he texted her. Hopefully, she’ll reply.

Corpse🥀: Hey. I just wanna let you know how much I love you and cherish our time together. Every morning of mine gets brighter everytime I see you next to me. I don’t know what I would do without you here with me. <3

He watched the three dots bounce on his screen, but then disappear. He sighed in frustration. That didn’t work. Guess he needed to try plan B, give her an unexpected embrace. Yes, that should work! Right? Y/N loves when Corpse gives her embraces and hugs. It should be the key, right? He just had to wait. 

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After what seemed like days, Y/N finally returned home. She was out with her friends again- just how she always is. He waited for her to settle down and relax. She changed into a cute sweater that gave her sweater paws- something Corpse adored about her. She relaxed and sighed, winding down before Corpse came up and gave her a nice warm embrace, engulfing her in his arms.

“Corpse-” Y/N gasped, moving her legs up a little, “I’m tired.” 

Corpse was not giving up just now, no siree. He picked her up and brought her to the bed. “Then we will cuddle.” He said simply, setting her softly on the bed and wrapping her in a soft crochet blanket. He then in bed next to her and wrapped his arms around her, pulling Y/N into a big hug. Y/N didn’t respond, just letting it happen. 

Y/N got a peaceful sleep throughout the night. Its the best sleep she actually got in a while- her sleep schedule has been whack. Maybe it was because the lack of giving affection to Corpse- but she wanted to keep him happy. But when Corpse wrapped his arms around her, she felt at home.

Y/N squirmed out of Corpses arms and walked to take a shower. She wanted to go out with her friends again today. They were planning to go to the mall and stop by at that new sushi place. It was going to be a fun day, it was gonna be exciting. After the shower Y/N dried herself and wrapped a towel around her. She looked in the shared closet she had with Corpse and that nice rose hoodie caught her eye. She went to reach for it, but pulled it back. She can’t wear that! Corpse doesn’t want her to. So she just went with a knitted yellowish brown sweater and dark brown pants. But then she felt the familiar the wetness in her pants. Period blood. Fuck. She quickly changed her underwear and ran to the bathroom, putting a pad on and pulling her thankfully unstained pants up. It was getting colder as Autumn neared so she put a cute scarf on and put her hair in a bun, finished her look off with brown healed boots and makeup. Then she left a note to Corpse saying 

“I'm out with my friends again. Got my period so not really in the mood for anything but i'm fighting it :)”

Then Y/N left, leaving Corpse alone to sleep peacefully.

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When Corpse woke up that morning, he was saddened by the lack of Y/N next to him. He sighed, she must’ve went out again. Corpse decided that he would try one more thing. Just one. And he hoped this idea would work. 

He drove to the park him and Y/N went to on their first date. They are both the laid back but romantic style people so this park was perfect. He already had a nice blanket with him and brought that rose hoodie that Y/N loved. There was this area cut off from the park that lead to a small opening in the woods. The opening showed a lake that had the sun setting in the distance. Corpse thought this would be the perfect place for him to apologize to Y/N. He can only hope she actually comes along.. 

He set everything up at the spit and decided to explore the area a little. It was still morning, he wanted her here at sunset. He walked around a little bit, following the trail that led a small playground. It had 2 swings, a slide, monkey bars, and a little house on the top. There were also benches and a set of rules that no one really listened to. There was a family there- it looked like a party. Grandma and grandpa, mother and father, kids, and what looked like cousins and aunts and uncles. Corpses anxiety and nervousness spiked, he looked sketchy. He had all black on with black nails and these weird silver rings on. He went and sat down on one of the benches and went on his phone, trying to direct his attention to whats going on there. He was asked to join an Among Us lobby, but he declined and said he had something planned. 

After a long time of scrolling through his phone, cloud watching, and eavesdropping on peoples conversations, a women came up to him. She looked nice and asked “Hello, would you mind if you leave? You’re upsetting the kids here.” 

Corpse sat up, he knew he would bother someone.. damnit. “Ah.. yeah yeah sorry for causing any disturbance.” he stood up and waved to the women, walking away and down the trail as casually as he can. The probably thought he was planning to kidnap one of the kids while no one was looking, but how could he? They have hidden cameras in the weirdest places here. 

Corpse headed back to the spot, heading closer to the lake, picking a stone up and throwing it into the lake, making a small ‘droop’ sound as it hit the water. He began to throw many stones into the lake, waiting for 5pm to hit so they could watch the sunset at 6pm. Hopefully. 

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5:40 came around and Corpse decided to text Y/N. He walked over the closest bench and texted her. 

Corpse🥀: Meet me at the [insert park name] right now. Im sitting on a bench near the lake area.

Y/N💕: Ok? 

Corpse sat back and waited, watching the clouds slowly drift by. He picked out pictures in the sky, one of them was a silhouette of two lovers kissing.. and the other was 2 lovers fading away. It just made him sad and uneasy, he was scared that Y/N wouldn’t wanna be with him anymore. He was scared that she would laugh at him and say that she found another guy that satisfied her so much more. He expected that that guy was big, tall, and muscular and was always up for sex and flavors, some guy who gave her everything she wanted, something he couldn’t. 

But he smiled when he saw Y/N walk down the trail. He stood up, waving to her. She noticed him and walked over to him. “Hey Corpse. You wanted to see me here?” 

“Uh yeah... follow me.” Corpse said, realizing her sounded very sketchy. he began to walk, relieved when he heard Y/Ns footsteps behind his. He led her to the spot, the sun was still up but was getting tired, just about ready to soak into the lake and let the moon guard the night. 

Y/N looked around, the scene was beautiful. Flowers bloomed from crisp green grass and the lake flowed lighty. “Wow.. its beautiful here.” She made her way over and sat down on the soft blanket. 

Corpse smiled and sat next to her, grabbing the hoodie he had and handing it to Y/N. She studied it for a second before taking it, smiling and holding it close to her chest. 

“I.. just wanna apologize for neglecting you that. I was being an asshole.. and I.. I'm sorry for being so rude. Truth is, I miss your kisses, hugs, the way you wear my clothes, and the i love yous. I just want my girlfriend back.” Corpse sighed, not daring to look at her. “If you wanna break up and go off with another guy, I understand. I wouldn’t blame you.. who wants to hang out with Corpse Husband anyways?” 

Y/N leaned forward, looking Corpse in the eyes, “Maybe Corpse Wife wants to hang out with Corpse Husband.” she smiled when Corpse looked up at her. “I’m sorry for ignoring you. I thought you would be better off without me annoying you.” 

Corpse hesitated, “I..” he dropped his head, “Stress fucking sucks, doesn’t it? So many people noticed your absence and are asking! Im just so- sorry.” 

“Don’t worry, I forgive you. I love you more than anyone in the world, Corpse. You’re my big ol’ edge king and I love you for it.” Y/N lifted his head to give him a kiss on the lips. 

It turned passionate and pleasant, it was a kiss full of love. It was like hot air blew around them, heating them up just the right ways. It was a kiss that was long overdue, a kiss that they both missed so so much.. and it was finally happening. 

When they pulled away Corpse was smiling so happily and brightly. He hugged Y/N tightly and said “I love you so much Y/N.. I just love you more than life.” 

Y/N smiled, melting into the sweet embrace. “I love you too Corpsie, I love you so much.”

Heh, talk about living happily ever after...

~The End~

[flamingo-writes]

It's Always Been You - Sylvain x Reader

Summary: After being away for five years in war with your father, the war is over and your father takes you to the Church if Seiros, where you meet the friendly faces you grew up with. Specially your best friend, Sylvain.

A/N: finally, I'm posting something about Fire Emblem Three Houses 🤣🤣 Im sorry I've been inactive, I've been purposefully been inactive, my holidays are over and I wanted to fully enjoy them. But now I am back!! Also, I’m gonna be writing the date in which I post things because I lowkey dont like not remembering when I posted something. 

Posted: 01.14.2020

Words: 2.4K

Warnings: none

Pacing through the wide halls of the monastery, your eyes could hardly focus on something before something else caught your attention. And walking through what felt like endless halls only made you feel more and more nervous. Following your father, a few steps ahead of you as he limped his way forward at a faster pace than yours. 

“It’s weird to be somewhere with this amount of silence…” You said as your father chuckled looking back at you. 

“I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought about it” He said cheerfully, although you could see his smile didn’t reach his eyes.”I’m sorry for taking you to war for all those years” 

“You already apologised enough times, father. It’s okay, I don’t mind” You lied, remembering all the nightmares that flashed before your eyes when you tried to sleep. The smell of blood still felt fresh on your nose and the screams and whimpers of soldiers dying around you. 

“I know, kid. But it’ll always weigh my soul” He answered waiting for you to catch up with him and wrapping an arm around your shoulders. “Good thing is, your friends are here! So I was told by Count Galatea!” 

“Ingrid is here?” Your father noticed that spark of hope in your voice. 

“Dimitri, Felix and Sylvain are too” 

Your heart began beating faster and stronger, as suddenly you became even more aware of your surroundings, hoping that you might see them. 

However, that was not the case. You finally entered the cathedral and met the archbishop, Rhea. Feeling slightly intimidated by her status as the supreme leader of the Church of Seiros, your whole demeanour became stiff and awkward. 

After welcoming your father back from the local wars happening in your hometown, your father talked to her, giving her a brief summary of how your last five years at war had been. And midway through the story, a couple of men walked inside the room Rhea and your father were talking in. Rhea greeted them as you continued to stare at everyone, not fully understanding what was going on. 

Not until Rhea introduced you to Byleth, one of the teachers. Byleth was by no means a person with a lot of words. And given your shy state, neither were you. You followed them, by your father’s and Rhea’s suggestion. All the silence you had been missing while being out in the battlefield suddenly became worse than war. Silence, so much silence, you felt like your thoughts could easily echo and expose you. Not until a very familiar voice broke said silence after you walked inside one of the classrooms.

“[Name]?!” That cheerful voice brought back so many of your childhood memories, and before you could even scan the classroom, Ingrid was running towards you, hugging you tighter than ever. “I can’t believe it! It’s you!” She laughed happily. “I was afraid I’d never see you again!” 

You hugged her back at once as tears gathered in your eyes, thinking how neither her voice nor her scent had changed much. As you opened your eyes, you saw a much taller Dimitri walking towards you. 

“Dimitri!” You cried as you broke the hug from Ingrid and hugged the blonde. He hugged you back as once. “I can’t believe how much you’ve grown!” You sobbed, burying your face in his shoulder. “I was taller than you when I left the castle” You giggled.  

“I can’t believe you’re still a crybaby” A low voice said as you looked at your side and saw a much grown Felix approaching you as well. 

“And you’re still an idiot, Felix” You joked as you let go of Dimitri. “I missed you guys so fucking much” tears kept falling from your eyes. “Where’s Syl?” You asked looking around.

“Probably chasing some girls outside. Don’t worry, he’ll be back soon” Ingrid assured. 

As Byleth introduced you to the rest of the class, you remained close to your friends as they did most of the talking. Recalling memories from your childhood, and through their stories, your new classmates got to know you better. Sitting in a circle on the ground in the middle of the class, you were enjoying the conversation, exchanging stories from both your childhood and the time your friends had been in the academy. 

You were sitting facing the door, every now and then looking outside into the garden, noticing many other students walking and chatting. Eventually, you noticed someone walking towards the room. Instinctively, your eyes scanned said figure. And then our heart stopped. 

Looking straight into his eyes, the both of you paralyzed for a brief second. 

“No way!” Sylvain said shocked. The widest smile taking over his face. 

Without thinking it twice, you stood up and ran towards him. All of the Blue Lions looking at you sprint, faster than they could imagine, as you ran towards the red head. Jumping into his arms, you cried his name as he swiftly caught you. Holding you tight, so tight, you could feel every bit of his chest pressed against yours. Laughing, melancholic tears falling down your eyes once more. Sylvains spun on his toes, happy to see his best friend once more. 

“For the Goddess’s love, [Name]” He said putting you back on the floor, still without breaking the hug. “Do not leave me again” He said kissing the top of your head. 

“[Name] and Sylvain…” Ashe asked, slightly confused. The way you had greeted your other friends was nothing compared to how you had greeted Sylvain. 

“Oh, they’ve always been like that. Those two used to be always together. Whenever Slvain wasn’t chasing some girl, he was hanging out with [Name]. They were each other’s second shadow, before [Name] and her father left” 

“The first few months after her departure were very rough on Sylvain…” Dimitri whispered. 

“Yeah, I’d never seen him so depressed. Not even when his brother left” Ingrid added “Sylvain did try to run away and bring her back. His father was pissed at him for risking his life like that” 

“After [Name] left, he became a much worse womanizer than he already was…” Felix added, looking at Sylvain, holding your head in his hands and shaking you lightly, complaining about all those years you left him. 

“You think he’ll slow down a little bit now that she’s with him again?” Annette asked, not really minding about Sylvain's flirty self, but because she felt uncomfortable when he was being flirty at her.

“There’s a possibility” Dimitri whispered. 

“Yeah, he’ll probably go skirt chasing as a hobby when [Name] is busy and doesn’t pay much attention to him” Ingrid said 

“I’ve always said those two would end up together in the future” Felix said in a low voice. 

“No way!” Ingrid laughed. “I mean, I know those two are inseparable, but there is no way in heaven or hell those two would end up together. I mean, they love each other but they also can’t quite stand each other” 

“Silence” Dimitri said. “They’re coming” 

“I’m sorry, that’s what you get for leaving me, darling” Sylvain said. 

“You think I don’t know you?” You scoffed. “Your lame ass will be coming back to me every time a girl rejects you” 

“I’ve changed” He bragged lifting his chin with pride.

“Oh, have you?” You scoffed loudly.

“I’ve mastered the art of charming women. I don’t get rejected as much as I used to” 

“I’m still sure you’ll be spending most of your day nagging me” 

“Of course I will!” Sylvain laughed. “My best friend is back! We have to make up for all that time lost, angel” Approaching the circle, you returned to your spot. Sylvain walked next to you and gestured Dimitri to move a little bit to a side so he could sit next to you. “So, what are we guys talking about?” 

“The ball and the dancing contest” Dedue said, taking back the conversation you had before Sylvain walked in the classroom. 

~

The ball was over all fun. Maybe not the most fun night, but surely more fun than any night you had for the last 5 years. Andnafter a very much needed break, Sylvain asked you if you wanted to wander around the monastery at night. 

The idea of wandering at night added something charming and spooky to the big old building. Silence ruling over the rest of it while the ball was contained in the ball room. 

As much as you wanted to actually wander around, you decided to quietly follow Sylvain who walked with long steps, knowing where he was heading to.

He took you to one of the towers in the monastery. A tall tower you knew very well for what people had been whispering in the halls. 

“Can I tell you something, [Name]?” Sylvain asked. 

“Sure” 

“After you left…You are my best friend, the best of them, okay? You know it” He began awkwardly “And after you left, I felt so lonely. I’d never felt like that before” 

“I know. I did too” You said looking at him tenderly as he looked up at the sky. You noticed the rise and fall of his chest, different to how it normally is. He’s nervous, you thought. You grabbed his hand and squeezed it, just like you’d always do whenever you knew he was feeling uneasy. 

“It was...so different to me. Living in a world without you. It somehow felt like starting over. I guess, after you left, I started dating women like a mad man. I guess, I was looking for someone to fill that hole you left in my chest. But it didn’t matter how many girls I went out with and how many I met, no one even got close to it” 

“Syl…” You whispered. “I’m here now. We’re back together at being partners in crime, hey?” 

“Partners…” Sylvain whispered looking at your hand on his. 

“Syl” You purred. “I know why you brought me here…” At once he looked into your eyes. Slightly terrified. “I’m not dumb, Syl. I’ve heard the stories about this. People come to this spot and make a wish together. They say the Goddess will listen and help said wish come true. It’s romantic, it’s clearly a tradition meant for lovers…” 

“[Name], I-I…” Sylvain stuttered nervously. 

“I’d wish to never feel lonely again,” You said. “The day I left, it was the worst day of my life. I cried every night for several weeks. I wanted to be back home, with my friends. Especially you, Syl. I’d dream of you every single day. At least for a year. You were always on my mind, and I liked to look up at the stars and think you’d be looking at the same stars as I did” 

“You’ll never be lonely again” Sylvain whispered, holding your hand and pulling it towards him, kissing your knuckles. 

“[Name]” The way his voice whispered your name in such a tender way, melted your heart. You looked into his honey eyes, thinking if they had always been so gorgeous. “I’m a bit afraid of saying this, but I have to, otherwise I’ll go crazy if I keep bottling it in” Knowing what he was going to say, you blinked, your eyes inviting him to get closer. “[Name]” Cupping your face into his free hand. “I think I’m in love with you” 

“Coming from such a casanova, that’s a little bit hard to believe, Sylvain” You said witty. 

“After you left, I realized it’s always been you. You’re the reason why I can’t settle down with a girl. Because neither of them are you” He said leaning closer and bumping his forehead against yours. 

“Prove it” You whispered closing your eyes. 

“I’ve known you for as long as I can remember" He began, he leaned back, sighing in disappointment, since you thought he was going to kiss you "Life without you is no life at all, that much I know. You wished to never feel lonely, right? I will not let you feel that way again. Never. My wish is to never stray from you again. It happened once, and I’m sure I don’t want it to happen again” 

“Make sure to not wish for something you’ll regret, Syl” You whispered. 

“How could I regret feeling alive and full? I’d give up the world for you” His eyes met yours in the sweetest of stares.

“How come you never came for me while I was away” looking away, you tried smiling sarcastically.

“I tried" He answered at once "You can ask Ingrid. I tried at least three times. Those three I ended up locked up in my room for days" 

The look you gave Sylvain, incredulous, made him lose his calm posture and instead turn defensive.

"Back then I was weak and I was scared. But now, there’s nothing in this world that could stop me. I’ve grown, and I’ve changed. And if you asked me to, I’d keep changing, and never look at another woman, ever” 

“I wouldn’t do that to you, take it to that extreme…" You giggled, slightly amused "You’re a grown up, Syl. You’re free to do whatever you like" looking away from him, you stared at your feet, thinking of your next words "I’d like to ask you to be gentle with me. Don’t break my heart, please” 

You looked up to your friend.  He sighed deeply, a gentle smile on his lips as he leaned closer, bumping his forehead against yours again.

“I won’t. Your heart’s safe with me. I promise, [Name]” His velvet voice purred your ears as you closed your eyes, hoping that he'd finally lean in into the kiss you'd been craving.

“I love you, Syl” You whispered as he leaned closer.

“I love you too” Sylvain muttered, his breath hitting your lips, and your heart racing in anticipation. 

He closed the distance, a bit afraid and insecure. A million thoughts came to his mind before sealing the kiss. He was going to kiss his best friend, and he had just confessed to his best friend. And yet, the moment his lips.met yours, his mind went blank. His heart and your breathing was everything he could hear. Your scent tangling with his was everything he could smell. Despite the cool wind howling, your warmth was everything he could feel. Melting into your lips, you kissed him back.

[booksandgalore]

Mirrors of Pride [Yandere!BTS]

Foreword:

Taehyung's company is enjoyable when he isn't contemplating about the different shades of black-and-white filters. Sure, he cares too much about the number of likes he has on social media.

And, yes, maybe you have to reject taking pictures of him everytime he hands you his phone, but true friends stay with each other no matter what. You just need to overlook his growing vanity, and ignore all the warning signs when he starts talking about someone non-existent.

Author’s Note:

It’s my first time posting (cross-posting) a story on Tumblr! Bear with me as I navigate how to link, edit my layout, etc. Though if you do have an tips and/or pointers on how I can make my blog look more appealing, haha, then I’ll take them. Do leave a comment if you enjoyed it!

1

The blueberry gelato you purchased was going to melt soon, but you couldn’t even taste it until Taehyung had some pictures of himself with your gelato and his. Currently, you had snapped over fifty pictures, in different angles, too, and you got out of your seat to take more. The sweltering heat made your baby hairs stick on your forehead and all over your cheeks.

”Okay,” you said, handing his phone back. “What do you think?”

You stood behind his chair as you watched him scroll through the photos one-by-one. Taehyung kept zooming in on his face, only to pinch his fingers back out and focus on a minuscule detail like a wrinkle on the right sleeve of his clothing.

“Can you take more on your phone? Maybe it’ll be different,” he requested, peering up from his device to look at you, his neck craned back.

You ran your fingers through your hair and felt the sweat of your scalp through your fingertips. Although you took a shower this morning, you were going to have to shower again later.

Breathing deeply, you brought your phone out of your back pocket and snapped a picture of him in this position. Taehyung immediately took a scoop of his strawberry gelato and held the spoon to his lips. You took a picture, and another when he closed his eyes but still had the uneaten gelato close to his lips.

Then, a drop fell onto his chin. It dribbled down. You were about to grab a tissue off of the table to give it to him until he mumbled that you should continue. You did as he asked. The sound of the camera shuttering was all you guys heard for the next three minutes as Taehyung continued posing in different positions.  

“You’re welcome,” you said, plopping down onto your chair. You reached for your dessert and found that it was half liquid. You looked over at Taehyung’s gelato; it was in the same state as yours, and you sighed.

Opening up Instagram on your phone, you started to slouch. Posts about vacations in California, Rome, and Beijing filled your timeline. Or was it feed? You were confused by the verbiage ever since Facebook bought Instagram and honestly where was the FAFSA police when you needed them? These "broke" college students shouldn't be out there living it up. And why were they on vacation when you still had two weeks of spring semester left? Did they take their finals early? When you were done, you handed your phone to Taehyung, who took it eagerly.

“Appreciate it,” he said. After browsing through the photos you took of him, he placed your phone down on his lap as he smiled at you. “I mean it. Thank you.”

You observed the silver rings on his fingers as he tapped on the table in a seemingly rhythmic beat. The rings were pretty. Maybe you should copy some of his style.

“You’re going to Korea soon, right?” You leaned back against your chair and splayed out your legs. A trickle of sweat ran past your neck.

It was really hot outside, but Taehyung wore a dark blue dress shirt, rolled up to his elbows, and had a black t-shirt inside that was revealed when the first two buttons of his dress shirt were unbuttoned. He also wore black ripped jeans. Wasn’t it hotter when you wore darker colors? Beauty was pain, you guessed.

“Only for one month in July.” Taehyung leaned back in his chair as well. “Why? Are you going to miss me?”

“No,” You shook your head, “you’re going to miss me.”

At this, Taehyung laughed loudly, his eyes crinkling. “Get KakaoTalk so I can text you without getting charged there.”

”Why? So you can spam my phone with pictures of yourself? You already have a mirror.” You narrowed your eyes playfully. “Also, how can I get KakaoTalk if you have my phone?”

”You mean this?” Taehyung showed your device in his hand, but he made no attempt to give it back to you. “I can just figure out your password.” He was typing in a random combination of numbers until he unlocked your phone successfully.

Startled, you rose up from your seat as he shielded the phone away from you.

“Relax, I’m transferring the photos you took of me to my phone!” he said, huddling himself into a ball. The people around you stared at him briefly before chatting to themselves.

With the slit of your screen showing through the opening in his posture, you glanced down, realizing he was going through your Snapchat messages and replying back with a selfie of himself. How typical.

“Taehyung...” You grasped his shoulder. “I’m not getting Kakao if you’re being like this.” It was a fake threat, but he didn’t need to know that. Honestly, you wanted him to stop because Hoseok was in your contacts and you knew Taehyung wasn’t fond of his step-brother. If Taehyung found out, when he already confessed these deep feelings of disdain about Hoseok to you, then you weren’t sure what he would do. He had a vanity problem already, and some slight possessive attachment in his friendship with you.

However, Taehyung continued mass replying to your friends.

”Taehyung,” you tried again, shaking his shoulder roughly. He didn’t budge. “Alright, I guess I’m gonna get your phone.”

He straightened up and stared at you. “I don’t have anything to hide, (Name). You know me. Do you have something you want to hide?”

“No.” You swore your heart skipped a beat when the lie rolled out your tongue.

“Then we’ll look at my phone together. It’s only fair, right?” There were moments where Taehyung sounded peculiar, and this was one of them. Was it something in his tone, or was it this… aura that he emitted? Either one led you–dare you spoke of it lest you became a bad friend who misinterpreted things and blew them out of proportion–to be cautious of him.

”Here.” Swiping his phone off the table, Taehyung placed it on your palm. ”The password is two, five, six, eight.” He wasn’t taking his hand away from yours, so you inputted with your free hand the code he gave you. The rings on his fingers provided a cool sensation on your skin despite the ongoing heat from the sun.

“You can check my texts," Taehyung suggested. "You can read through them."

You bit the inside of your cheek while you hesitantly tapped on his conversation with Taeyong, a mutual friend. There were Korean characters you couldn't decipher. The words were too advanced, and you only learned the language when Hoseok taught you sporadically. However, you did catch onto these English memes Taehyung and Taeyong shared with each other. You thought you were invading Taeyong's privacy somewhat as Taehyung encouraged you to keep scrolling.

"See, (Name)?" His eyes bore into your own. "I've got nothing to hide."

"Yeah, me too," you blurted back, letting him keep his phone and yours for now. You returned back to your seat.

Friends need to accept all the aspects that come with a person whether good or bad, you reminded yourself of this as Taehyung scrutinized the photos in your camera roll, eyes trained on his appearance and whatever it meant to him as he explored the saturations and color schemes he could use.

You observed your friend for a few more minutes before redirecting your thoughts to the final exams coming up. The stress to think about the exams rather than on the behavior of your friend had eased your mind considerably. Soon, you began to daydream off-topic about fast cars and towering mansions as Taehyung continued to edit his pictures.

Smiling unconsciously, you then remembered how you were a bit vain yourself. You had three thousand, one-hundred-seventy-five dollars and thirty cents to your name before. The rest of the money was in your latest Fila shoes, and in the latest iPad Pro that you cradled to sleep every night. When your three thousand, one-hundred-seventy-five dollars and thirty cents to your name dropped to a staggering fifty-dollars, you had promised for a new year, new you, and you made a resolution to curb your materialistic tendencies in the middle of sweet old July of last year.

“I’m going to change,” you declared to yourself, browsing through self-improvement articles online. You had another tab open, but you swore on your mother’s grave that you were just living vicariously through a YouTuber’s shopping haul and nothing more.

“I’m going to change,” you said to Taeyong and Jimin, your two closest friends, as you all painted random animals on a canvas. Hoping it will restrain the temptations of eating out and watching movies, you tried to love your newest hobby.

But people didn't change easily.

After all, we make money to enjoy money, you would say as you received your paycheck, the thickness of the envelope sending a familiar rush of adrenaline through the palms of your hands.

Soon summer break had ended and you were left daydreaming in your classes about the salary you'd get from becoming a doctor. You’ll have a stable job and a stable life, your mother would remind you in the living room every so often. You would doodle on the edges of your notes and wish that time could past by faster because you were stuck in a world where you were just you and the you then needed to step up from a measly five hundred bucks. Your fingers couldn't sprint against the piano keys as well as Jill, nor could you code websites in your free-time like Mr. Full-Ride classmate Jaehyun, but you did have money and it was what kept you going.

Money was entertainment. Money was activities. Money was the awe-struck gaze your parents looked at you with when you paid for the restaurant bill at a family outing. Money was whatever you wanted it to be, and it was breathtaking, inspiring, motivating, and, damn, your eyes were bleeding green, huh?

“How do you do it?” you had asked. “How are you so happy the majority of the time?”

“I’ll show you how,” Taehyung replied, one hand holding the strap of his backpack. He took out a hand-held mirror from the first zipper and gave it to you. “You have to love yourself.“

"And how do I do this...loving myself thing?”

“(Name), it’s simple.” He sighed, leaning closer to you to observe himself through his own mirror, a light red tint on his cheeks. “You think to yourself, you are everything you ever wanted.” Almost reluctantly, he peered up from the mirror to look at you, but you felt as if he never truly looked away, as if he was still tracing the contours of his nose and the outlines of his eyes, his lips, through the glare of the glasses perched on your nose.

“Beauty is on the inside.” He sighed again, placing a hand over his chest. “But it can also be made.”

You noticed the slight pout on his lips as he stashed the mirror away. He had never changed since high school. Always staring at himself as he walked past anything reflective, anything that resembled him, and you––

You had been snapped out of your memory when Taehyung voiced out a question.

"Should we go now? We have class tomorrow with Professor Smith at nine in the morning."

"Hm?" You blinked. "Ah, yeah, we should."

You threw your gelato in the trash and bidded a goodbye, heading off to your home. Developing a friendship with Taehyung was a journey, to say the least.

[next chapter]

[waterstar2016]

I recently saw a post about someone asking why some of us find the TMNT characters attractive. I’m sorry, I can’t remember who it was.

For me it’s Raphael. 99% holy fucking shit he floats my boat. Sure, he’s a mutant, he’s a turtle, and yes he has green skin. Don’t forget that he’s absolutely fucking huge. Swoon.

The reason I say 99% is because there is a part of me that is drawn to Leo. The control he exudes, those blue eyes, how each of his movements seem perfectly executed, and that strut! He looks like he is as almost as strong as Raph, just in a more compact form. And talk about kinky vibe, yum. The submissive part of me screams “YES!” to his persona. The scene in the first movie when he yells “Enough!” Leo flips in the air and tells Raph to back off after landing on the buildings edge, Katana singing and dust and rubble exploding away from his impact (Woah). April is backing up, hell, I would too with that gaze focussed on me. But part of me would be tempted to not move. Anyways…

I found myself wondering why I was attracted to fictional characters that weren’t even human (I eluded to this in my first post “Why?”) I’ll expand on that post. I’ve always been drawn to the big, strong and or burly type. The ones that you know could pick you up and carry you away. Vin Diesel makes my heart pound and I really wouldn’t mind ending up in a dark corner with him. I am not afraid of the dark. *grin*

So, here’s my explanation as to why my body sings at the thought of Raphael. Leo, I summed up above because this is going to already be a long enough post.

Raphael:

1. His size. I’m pretty tall for a woman and I am not delicate. Being 5’11 and not small statured (have a curvy figure and a little bit of extra weight that I am working my ass off trying to lose), I have a 36” inseam (impossible to find jeans at a reasonable price) I have always, ALWAYS felt like the “big” girl. I tower over all of my girlfriends, have been called an Amazon by friends and boyfriends (hence the idea for my OC Immogene) and have found that the majority of my relationships have been with guys that were shorter than me. I have confidence in myself most of the time, I just feel awkward in certain situations. I would be rich if I’d gotten a dollar for every time a guy would come up to me, compliment me, and then walk away. There were a few guys that I was with that I felt like that if I went on top, there was a small chance that I could crush them (yes I know, probably not gonna happen, but my head would go there) I love doggy style, but if the guys a little short, I’d have to kneel on the edge of the bed while more time is spent adjusting the height that my ass is at, than the actual fucking (“Shit, hun lower your ass, I can’t stand on my tip toes this long.”) Meanwhile, I’m waiting to be pounded into the mattress… I’m pretty strong. I lift weights a few times a week and do not shy away from heavy work.

I’m the one in the grocery store with the little old lady beside me who looks at me and then looks at the top shelf. I know she wants to ask me to grab something up there, but she’s afraid. Sighing, I will turn and gently ask “Is there something I can grab for you mam?” Crisis averted, she realizes I won’t pounce and I finally get a smile “O yes dear, could you grab me the olive oil? Thank you. Wow, such a tall girl, pretty though.” I’m the girl that guys get intimidated by. Have you read my fanfic “Two Shades of Green”? Immogene resembles me in so many ways and Brian’s character is actually based upon a few guys that I dated.

With Raphael, well lol, there would be NO worries about me crushing him. In fact, it would be the opposite. I would love the feeling of being utterly surrounded by his massive form. Don’t get me started on his thick fingers. Mmmm. Not many people can manhandle me (one guy I dated was 6’5” and could lift me with one arm…for the first time in my life, my mouth actually went dry. Too bad I found out he already had a fiancee *rolls eyes*…asshole) and the thought of being swept up and held by those gorgeous biceps draws an interesting tingle. For me to have to reach up to kiss him, for him to be able to put me where he wanted me to be? Bring. It. On.

2. His personality. Raph is so passionate. He has an internal fire. He has an attitude. He’s full of testosterone. He’s protective of April. He love’s his brothers. Raph and Leo may fight (a lot) but there are scenes in the where you can see the brotherly love. Like most Raph fans out there, I feel he is the type that is hard as nails on the exterior, but on the interior he’s a big pile of goo. I would love to be the one that could cool his jets (and then heat them up in different ways ;)). I get the feeling that if Raph’s character found someone, she would be his entire world (yes I know I am a romantic and a sap, but I try to let slowly ooze out, not flow over you like Niagara Falls).

Raphael speaks from the heart. The expressions on his face convey such raw emotion (thank you movie magic!). He’s a rebel. One of my favourite lines in the 2016 movie was “Normal, what fun is that?” Total high three for that one. I went to University and did two degrees at the same time. I target shoot, I can rough it in the bush for a few days (as long as there is a nearby water source), I fish, I can throw a baseball further than most guys I know, I love getting my hands dirty and am not afraid to open up a DIY book when my fridge stops working. I also love star gazing, wearing makeup occasionally to make my eyes pop and wearing skirts. Don’t get me wrong I know there are other woman that do these things…it just seems to be rare where I come from. Or, at least I’ve been told it’s rare. In the past those hobbies, skills and habits made me intimidating. I actually had one guy take me camping and who broke up with me shortly after (I found out the reason why from a mutual friend) because I could actually do what I said I could - start a fire, paddle a canoe for hours (I actually dragged him and that damn canoe over a beaver dam because he was scared), set up a tent, etc. He didn’t believe me when I told him I was ok to go camping a little off the beaten path (yes, I know, good riddance). I was raised by my father. He brought me up to believe that a woman could do anything she wanted to (my dad was actually a mentor for young woman in his field who were just starting their careers. He helped so many gain confidence and be proud in a male dominated career choice) I feel that Raph’s (and have personal experience with “Raph” types) personality would be drawn to someone who was sweet, caring and kind, but had a backbone. He would be the type to encourage you to be who you were (girlfriend or not). Reading a fair number of blogs I am not the only one that feels this way about this characters personality. I can see him really shy and afraid of rejection at first but not being able to resist testing the waters with an occasional dirty comment just to see the reaction. When he finds out that she’s interested. There would be no going back.

Referring to the quote about “Normal” again, Raph himself realizes he likes who he is at the end of the movie. Love that ending.

A violent teddy bear suits Raph to the T. Yes he can crush you, yes he would enjoy it (if you were the bad guy), but if you were someone he loved…those same actions would be expressed in an ENTIRELY different way. He would crush you to him and enjoy it just as much. Even though I don’t think he would admit it, Raph wants acceptance. Most of the time he expects the worst from someone. I often ended up in a not so great relationship because the guy accepted most of me (that didn’t take long to piss me off. I would move on to try again). I still struggle some days, but most of the time I am good with who I am now.

3. His voice. The timbre of it, the batman voice, the accent, and that chuckle. He can convey so much emotion in that voice. Good choice on the actor they chose to play him! One Raph Imagine even mentioned him singing to you! I can totally see that. I could listen to that voice for hours.

4. How he moves. Raph has a rolling walk. Shoulders moving with each step. It’s predatory. It’s fucking delicious. Combine how he moves with his never failing focus on his target makes me want to run and hide, but, in a place I know he will find me. The sit-ups on the pipes in the 2016 TMNT movie. His Sai piercing the metal in front of Casey’s face, when Raph doesn’t want him getting any closer to April. The motorcycle scene. I could go on. He moves instinctively. He doesn’t have to plan his next move, his body just does it. Imagining him doing that rolling walk, with me as his target. Hella yes.

For these reasons and a few more I haven’t listed here are why I found myself thinking of a mutant turtle as a partner to bump in the night with. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you or me for feeling this way. We each have things that turn us on, grind our gears, lift us up or put us down. The creators of TMNT just happened to be very good in making Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello and Michelangelo each exhibit a typical male stereotype. We are bound to find one (or more than one, or even bits and pieces of each) of those personalities striking a chord with our own.

There are so many fandoms out there. If you find one that rubs you the right way. Close your eyes and let your imagination run wild. Your thoughts are yours and yours alone.

Thanks for reading.

[moonbeambucky]

‘Tis the Season

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader Word Count: 4164 Warnings: fluff, light angst

Summary: With Christmas around the corner not everyone is excited to celebrate. Will your surprise bring back Bucky’s spirit or turn him into a Grinch?

A/N: This is my submission for @lovelynemesis Sam’s Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree Writing Challenge! My prompt was “I noticed you hadn’t decorated yet, so I did it for you!” gif source (x)

The compound quieted down with everyone settled in their rooms, belts unbuckled and likely in a food coma; their bellies happily sated from the bountiful feast of Tony’s Thanksgiving celebration. It was a night among friends that had become family where you could all enjoy the respite from missions and fighting, unless it was fighting over food.

Clint wanted thirds and didn’t understand why he should have waited for everyone to have a second round, Sam wanted the wishbone (probably to challenge Bucky) and Wanda hoped her homemade Sokovian pastries went over well. The empty dish littered with a few crumbs, proved she had nothing to worry about.

As everyone retired for the evening you were bursting with joy as your mind raced thinking about your favorite hobby, decorating.

Just because you were an Avenger didn’t mean your love of all things crafty went away; you raided the aisles of Michael’s with the best of them. With each change of the season you scanned through your Pinterest boards, your mind bursting with excitement with all of the new ideas you wanted to implement. Crafting, baking, decorating, you loved it all!

What you loved most was the reaction of your teammates, seeing the way their mouths would hang open in surprise, an awestruck gaze as they appreciated the way you transformed the compound overnight. It was a labor of love and now with turkey day officially over it was time to get started again.

With music flowing through your headphones you collected the Thanksgiving decorations that were scattered around the common room, placing them into their efficiently labeled bin and back into the basement for storage. You exchanged one bin withdrawing five oversized ones in its place that were packed to the brim with Christmas decorations.

It’s times like this when you wished you had been injected with super soldier serum. The bins were on the heavy side thanks to your inability to stop purchasing new decorations. It wasn’t your fault when inspiration would hit making you want to have different themes for your room. Sometimes you would opt for an all white look with silver glitter ornaments and frosted tinsel, other times you went for a retro vibe with colorfully bright ornaments and vintage figurines. It was an addiction that you didn’t care to seek help for, besides everyone loved the decorations.

You groaned carrying the first bin up the few flights of steps, wishing you hadn’t had that second slice of Wanda’s pumpkin pie that was sitting heavy in your stomach. You were already sweating after the second trip, breathing harder than you should be and regretting the fact that you had three more trips to go.

With the second box set in your room you quietly shut the door to head downstairs again. Turning on your heel you bumped into a firm body.

“Ooof!”

“S-sorry doll, you okay?” Bucky said softly, as his arms held your shoulders to help steady your balance.

“Yeah I’m alright. I wasn’t expecting anybody to be up.”

“Well you know I don’t sleep much,” he replied, his lips thinning into a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

It’s understandable after what Bucky’s been through. Ever since you joined the team you could hear him through your shared wall. He would jolt up in the middle of the night trying to steady his labored breaths, hoping the screaming was only in his nightmares. Sometimes it wasn’t.

You got out of bed wondering if you should knock on his door. The walls muffled some of the sound but it broke your heart to hear the sharp cries he tried to stifle. You never mentioned any of this to him, not wanting him to feel uncomfortable in any way.

Despite the fatigue written on his face you were already exhausted and had a long night ahead of you. “I hate to ask but would you mind helping me Bucky? I need to bring up a few things from storage.” you said, hoping you weren’t imposing too much.

Bucky naturally agreed, following you to the storage area where he carried up the three remaining bins with ease, except for the fact that he couldn’t see anything. You served as his eyes, guiding him up the steps, through the hallway and into your room.

He placed them on the floor, insisting it wasn’t any trouble as you thanked him over and over again. Noticing the other two bins he curiously asked what they contained.

“Christmas decorations!” You were whistling like a songbird as a smile stretched across your face from ear to ear, quite the opposite of the person in front of you.

Bucky’s expression dropped quickly but he tried to hide it, feigning enthusiasm since you were so damn excited but Christmas was not something he cared to celebrate anymore. Your smile however was something he never grew tired of seeing and he didn’t want you to lose it on account of him.

You looked down at the bins with excited anticipation to commence decorating. Bucky joked that your task of heavy labor tired him out enough to sleep and he was heading back to bed. As he leaned down to kiss your cheek goodnight you turned your head up to thank him once more.

Bucky’s lips pressed against half of your own, causing him to pull away in shock. His cheeks flushed with embarrassment and he quickly retreated from your room. Standing outside the closed door with his head in his hands he mentally chastised himself for leaving so awkwardly.

He’s thought about kissing you so many times, how perfect it would be to feel your soft lips against his, sweetly pressed together. Instead, he screwed it up, not even meaning to kiss you in the first place. He doesn’t know how you feel, too afraid to ask for fear of rejection or worse, ruining your friendship and losing you completely. The debonair man he used to be is now a long faded memory. In its place is a ghost, full of self doubt.

You were in stunned silence, touching the corner of your mouth gently with your fingertips, wondering if there was anything behind his actions or if it was just poorly timed coordination. You had feelings for Bucky, gushing to Natasha about how handsome you thought he was. Your affection only grew as you got to know him, the sweet and shy man who was learning to cope with having his life back.

With a deep breath to clear your mind you brushed your feelings aside, knowing you were probably reading into things too much like you had a tendency to do. Besides there was a lot of actual work you needed to focus on. You began to unpack your decorations, working tirelessly through the night to have everything up. As sun began to rise from the horizon your heavy head was setting down on your pillow, falling asleep immediately before you even had the chance to pull the covers over your exhausted body.

Steve was the first one up as usual. He gazed around the common room, marveling at your work as he waited for Sam and Bucky. Pine garland with lights strung though it was draped over the mantle of the fireplace, personalized stockings hung below.

A smile tugged at Steve’s lips seeing Bucky’s stocking curiously placed next to your own. He hoped his best friend would finally have the courage to tell you how he felt; your mutual feelings were apparently obvious to everyone else in the compound.

The decorations continued with large wreaths hanging on the walls with plaques and banners offering words of holiday cheer. Figures of reindeer and snowmen were expertly placed around the room, with festive accent pillows added to the couch. Candles were spread around the room; even unlit they gave off the most inviting smells of gingerbread, cranberry and apple spice.

At the center of the large dining table was a two foot juniper draped in thick berry garland, its base wrapped in burlap and tied with a red bow. Beside it was a note meant for Tony,

Don’t forget my tree -Y/N

Steve laughed, recalling how much you hounded Tony over the last few weeks to get a beautiful tree, expecting to see it the day after Thanksgiving.

Sam and Bucky entered, their heads turned up to scan the room as they took everything in.

“Wow, Y/N wasn’t kidding when she said she likes to decorate,” Sam said, admiring your work.

“She’s incredible,” Bucky whispered under his breath.

Steve turned towards him. “Did you tell her yet?”

With a disappointing shake of his head Bucky answered, “No. Steve I can’t, I… it’s just that we’re friends. I’m her friend, that’s all…” he conceded, thinking about how he wished that wasn’t the case.

“Buck, tell her. Take it from a guy that regrets waiting too long.” Steve’s smile was bittersweet but his advice rang true.

Bucky said he would try to, that wasn’t a lie. He spent most nights trying to come up with a way to tell you how he felt, following through was the harder part.

When you woke up later day you were pleased that Tony kept his promise. A beautiful 10 foot tree was in the common room waiting for you to get your hands on it. You gathered everyone to help decorate the tree, curbing your need for perfection and allowing them to decorate how they wanted to. Everyone had fun adding their own special touches to the tree, well almost everyone.

Bucky sat on the couch and watched as his friends fought for the best spots to hang their ornaments. He ignored Sam’s teasing to get up and help, promising Steve he was alright with sitting back and letting everyone else do the work. He paid special attention when you asked Vision for his help to place a beautiful star at the top of the tree.

The burning fireplace kissed your face with a warm glow, highlighting your content smile as you gazed upon the Christmas tree, the final element that brought all of your hard work together. You turned back to the couch, with a sigh of disappointment you realized Bucky was no longer there.

After a stop in the kitchen you went to Bucky’s room, knocking your foot carefully against the door. Though he was caught off guard at first he was unable to contain his smile when he saw you standing there holding two snowflake mugs filled with hot chocolate and marshmallows.

“Hi, can I come in?” you asked, with a beaming smile. There was no way he could resist even if he wanted to. You sat with Bucky on his bed, handing him the mug. “Be careful,” you cautioned, as the steam continued to rise from the drink.

“Thanks Y/N, this was awfully nice of you,” he replied, blowing on the cup before taking a sip.

“Well I know how much you like chocolate.” Heat bloomed on your cheeks as you smiled, still waiting for your own cup to cool down. Bringing him this drink was a nice excuse to spend some time with Bucky though it wasn’t your only reason. “Hey, how come you weren’t decorating? Everyone else helped out…”

Bucky sipped his drink slowly, drawing out time to respond. The truth was he loved Christmas. He loved everything about the season, cuddling up with a sweetheart by the fire, giving meaningful gifts to his loved ones, spending time with his family.

Sure the Avengers are one big family and Steve is certainly like the brother he never had, but this holiday brings bittersweet memories of the last Christmas he spent with his mother and sister Rebecca. He was on leave from training in the Army, just a few days off for the holidays.

Bucky made the most of every moment with them, knowing he would likely be on the front by the following Christmas. He wasn’t good in the kitchen but he helped his mother with cooking, taking on small tasks like basting the turkey or peeling potatoes just to spend time with her. Rebecca saved decorating the tree for them to do together. They turned a small, humble spruce into a beautifully decorated tree adorned with glass ornaments, bubble lights and tons of tinsel.

The first Christmas after getting his memories back was really difficult. Bucky spent most of his time alone in his room, save for Steve who would do his best to cheer up his good friend. Bucky was happy to avoid Christmas for the next few years, until you came along.

He physically shook off his memories, placing his cup back into his lap, “I’m pretty clumsy Y/N. I’d probably end up knocking the damn thing down. Wouldn’t want to mess up your pretty decorations,” he lied, hoping you would believe him.

You sensed something might have been bothering him but you didn’t want to push the subject. You quickly learned that Bucky didn’t respond well to interrogation. He was your friend, if there was something he wanted to talk about you’re sure that he would. Sighing, you mentally add this to the other list of reasons why your feelings will go unrequited. If Bucky liked you he would have told you, plain and simple.

The second week of December grew colder than the first. It didn’t help that your most recent mission was somewhere warm; coming back to the brisk air and consistently dropping temperatures was a terrible shock. You walked back to your room, smiling at the decorations everyone had placed on their doors in your absence. Most had simple wreaths up, while Wanda and Sam followed your instructions, making wreaths made of ornaments and pinecones respectively. You couldn’t have been prouder gazing at their perfectly executed crafts.

All of the doors had decorations on them except for Bucky’s. The dull grey paint was a stark contrast to the otherwise decorated hallway, draining away all of the festive energy. You knocked at Bucky’s door, smiling as you saw his face again. He looked tired, with deep bags setting in under his eyes.

“Hi Bucky! I, uh, wanted to let you know I just got back,” you said, catching a glimpse of his messy room as he ran his fingers through his long hair.

“Welcome back doll. Mission went well?” he asked, smiling as he was not-so subtlety scanning your body with his eyes. It’s been too long since he saw you; he was elated to have you back, able to see your beautiful smile on a daily basis again.

You noticed him staring, but your rational side convinced yourself he was checking for any signs of injury. A few months in with the team you made a mistake that cost you a week in the med bay and Bucky had been overprotective ever since. He’s always like that though, you’re not special you remind yourself. He’s just your friend, your teammate, nothing more.

“Someone hasn’t decorated yet,” you melodiously teased.

He half-chuckled, “Yeah… I know…” Rubbing the back of his neck, his lips were tugged to one side he looked at you with a hint of guilt in his eyes.

“I can help you, if you want. I showed Sam and Wanda what to do and their wreaths came out great!”

“No that’s alright Y/N. You’ve done so much already, I’ll get to it soon, I’m just tired.”

He wasn’t lying, you knew that. Bucky was always tired but it didn’t stop the way you felt inside. You did your best to suppress a frown as you said goodbye, turning towards to head towards your door.

“It’s good to have you back,” Bucky shouted just before you stepped inside. You turned to face him, feeling a bit lighter as he was leaning against the door frame, smiling back at you.

Christmas was only a few days away and you finally finished shopping. Staying up all night you made sure each gift was perfectly wrapped, adorned with ribbons and bows, and then came the hard part. It took the longest time to write out your cards, finding the perfect words to convey your thoughts and making sure each one had special meaning for its recipient.

Writing Bucky’s card was the most difficult. You carefully selected each word making sure he knew you cared for him, but not too much. He’s your teammate and you loved him, but not love love– well… you do, but you can’t let him know that.

Pouring coffee to help wake up you realized the compound was quieter than normal. You ran into Natasha coming up from the gym who told you the boys were out today to finish their shopping. You stared absentmindedly at the Christmas tree, watching the twinkling lights as you took sips of your rich drink until an idea hit you. If Bucky won’t decorate then you will.

The sound of boisterous laughter echoed in the common room signaling the arrival of Sam, Steve and Bucky. You waited with anticipation outside of his door and Bucky greeted you with a smile as he approached his room. His head cocked to the side, eyes squinting with curiosity, wondering why you looked like you were going to burst. It’s true, you were jittery and not from the few cups of coffee, you were bursting with anticipation for the reveal.

“I have a surprise for you!” You were biting the insides of your cheeks to try and contain your smile as you beckoned Bucky inside his room.

Pushing the door open Bucky flipped on the light and his mouth dropped open in shock as he glanced around. First he noticed you cleaned up. Technically you had only made the bed and gathered the clothes that littered his floor into one messy pile out of the way, but to Bucky that meant cleaning.

The next thing he noticed was you decorated. They were modest with the rustic charm that Bucky was always drawn to. Beside his door was a galvanized bucket filled with birch logs and lighted branches, with silver ornaments and pinecones filling in the space. Above his bed hung a simple string of Christmas lights, a candle on his nightstand immersed the room in the scent of balsam and cedar, and snowflake ornaments made from twigs hung from the mirror of his dresser.

“I noticed you hadn’t decorated yet, so I did it for you!” you said, beaming with excitement. “And here,” you turned to grab something from beside his dresser, “I made this for your door!”

You held onto a burlap wreath with a red tartan bow, eagerly handing it to him. Bucky tossed it onto the bed, barely looking at your creation, your eyebrows furrowed with confusion.

“What did you do?” His words were soft but full of a growing anger that he couldn’t hide. “Y/N what did you do?!”

“I-I…” you stammered, not really knowing how to answer.

Bucky’s nostrils were flaring, his breath heavy and labored. “Why would you come into my room without my permission? I didn’t want this Y/N,” he seethed, your name sounded like poison in his mouth.

“I’m sorry Bucky, I thought…”

“No Y/N that’s the problem, you didn’t think. You shouldn’t have done this. Just get out!”

Your feet carried you quickly out of his room, holding back tears as you ran into your own. Slamming the door shut you heard your own wreath fall to the ground, the sound of delicate ornaments breaking on impact. You didn’t care. Wreaths can be remade, ornaments replace, but your broken heart seemed an impossible feat to mend.

You threw yourself on your bed, clutching a pillow as your body was racked with sobs. You couldn’t understand why Bucky was so upset. You were only surprising him, he’s your friend, or he was. He’ll certainly never be anything more, that much is sure, especially now.

Some time had passed with the light coming from your window growing fading until it was completely dark. You were drained of energy, unable to move after crying yourself to sleep. It was hard to lift your head let alone open your swollen eyes but you did after hearing the faintest rapping at your door, ignoring it until a voice spoke.

“Y/N?” Bucky’s voice carried into your room bringing fresh hot tears to your already pained eyes.

“Go away,” your soft voice cracked as you answered him.

“Can I come in? … Please?”

Regret was laced in every syllable of his pleading and though your brain fought for you to ignore him your heart couldn’t leave Bucky at the door. You sat up feeling momentarily dizzy, wiping your eyes before you trudged to the door.

“What do you want Bucky?” you asked, leaning your heavy head against the partially opened door.

He stood before you hunched over with his head hanging low as if he was unworthy of looking at you. It’s how he felt in the moment, forcing himself to own up to what he came to do. Bucky held your gaze as he apologized, offering you a mug he cautiously cradled in his hand.

You studied his face for sincerity, finding it within his storm colored eyes. Grabbing the mug from him you barely made out that it was hot chocolate considering the amount of marshmallows that were covering the top. You offered a quick thanks placing it on your nightstand before propping a pillow up against your headboard to sit back against.

“Y/N, I- I’m so sorry for snapping. I didn’t mean to, honestly. It’s just that Christmas makes me think about the past and the people I lost. Things just haven’t been the same since I got my memories back,” he explained as he paced nervously in front of you.

Listening to the truth opened your eyes, remembering Bucky’s hesitation the night he helped bring up your decorations bins. You were too blind with excitement to realize how much this was hurting him.

“Bucky stop,” you interrupted. “You don’t have to go on. I’m the one who should be sorry.” You stood up, grabbing his hands and pulling him to sit on the mattress with you.

“If I knew I wouldn’t have pushed so much to get you to decorate. I stepped over the line… asking you over and over and I shouldn’t have done that. I’m so sorry Bucky,” you said, reaching your hand over to his, rubbing comforting strokes with your thumb.

A smile graced his face at your touch, feeling your soft skin against his. “I could have told you though,” he said, feeling bad about holding back.

“You don’t owe me anything Bucky, I was wrong. The truth is when I saw you weren’t decorating I kinda knew you were sad, I just didn’t know why. I decorated because I thought it would make you happy.”

“You went through all that trouble to make me happy?”

“Well it wasn’t a lot of trouble,” you chuckled, “But yeah I did I… um, I really like you Bucky,” you admitted, chewing on your lip nervously waiting for his response.

Bucky’s eyes widened making you instantly regret your admission. You pulled your hand away from his but he quickly caught it, this time returning the gesture.

“I like you too Y/N.”

“Really?!” Maybe tomorrow you’ll chastise yourself for sounding so desperate but in this moment you couldn’t help how excited you were to hear him say it back.

“Yeah, really doll. Ever since you joined the team,” he said, flashing a coy smile.

Christmas came early as this was the best present you could have ever received, feeling heat rush to your cheeks as Bucky continued to smile at you.

“Hey Y/N, you know in all your decorating you forgot something.”

Impossible. There wasn’t a single thing you missed. You even arranged FRIDAY to play Christmas classics on the hour. “Huh? What could I possibly have forgotten?” you queried.

Bucky smiled, digging his hand into the pocket of his sweatshirt and pulled out a small branch of green leaves, with small white berries, attached together with a red bow.

“’Tis the season.” He smiled, shrugging his shoulders. Bucky raised the mistletoe above your head but waited for a sign of permission. You gently bit your lip and nodded, your eyes sparkling with delight.

Bucky leaned in closing the gap between you as he brought his lips towards yours. This time, he felt the fullness of your soft lips as they pressed against his own. His kiss felt more exciting than opening presents on Christmas morning and instantly you wanted more.

You opened your mouth to deepen the kiss and Bucky let the mistletoe drop. His arms wrapped around you, bringing you closer to him and he never wants to let you go. He spent the rest of the night cuddling beside you, falling soundly asleep as he dreamed of all of the new Christmas memories you would make together.

[00412]

What it means to be a lesbian

AGE 4- We played house in front of my actual house in the bushes.  It was me, girl J, boy J, and C.  boy j begged me to kiss him and I just didn’t want to.  I wasn’t opposed to kissing girl J though.

AGE 4- My cousin makes friends with a girl named Nivea.  I think she is beautiful and it makes me feel very good when she compliments me

AGE 5- Kindergarten!!! I make friends with a lot of girls in my grade! Including one named L!  I’m obsessed with a 6th grader named Erica.  She’s friends with one of my cousins.  I love when she lets me sit next to them.  She even invited me over to their teen sleepover!  I leave because I’m scared of her dog.

AGE 5- My first real boy crush! Edwin... then Blake.  They have nice eyes and lips.  I could never tell them

AGE 6-Martin... Phoenix.  I really like boys I swear, I could never let them find out, but eventually they did.  Alexandria told, and she never spoke to me again.  Neither did the boys

AGE 6-I made friends with the kids of my parents friends.  Often when I went to visit or they visited me we would kiss and it ended up in some kind of sexual activity.  There was T,then R... Then M... the list goes on... Really.

AGE 6- Me and L sleepover each others houses.  We love to take bubble baths together and touch each other.  Our favorite is cuddling while watching movies.  Sometimes we practiced touching each other.

AGE 7- Ray...no Reynold.  He likes you too!  You even write his name in clay all over your bedroom wall.  Your parents beat you and made you wash it off though.  You called him once.

AGE 8-  My first real boyfriend!! Jay and you are REALLY in love... like REALLY in love.  You play and kiss at school all the time.  You even had “sex” with him.  You think your pregnant! Your parents ban you from seeing him.

AGE 8- Happy Birthday! You basically had threesome with A,L, and girl J.  You wonder why you stopped thinking about your boyfriend so much when your with your friends

AGE 9- Akida.  You guys become best friends.  GTA, Shrek and Ramen noodles were our best friends.  We made out a lot after 4 o clock.  Why didn’t I call my boyfriend

AGE 9- Ruthie.  You guys are best best friends.  You never do anything sexual, but you love to hang out with each other.  Paint each others nails, do each others hair, take trips and pictures together... friendship

AGE 10-Ruthie isn’t home but her sister is.  You play with her until she gets back.  She has a warm smile and you talk in her room.  She pushes you in the closet and you start making out.  She pulls down your pants and, unknowingly you’re having sex.  It feels really good.  You never felt this before.  When she stops your confused.  She kisses you again.  You leave before Ruthie gets back.  

AGE 10-  She’s not home again.  Her sister is of course. We do it again.  It feels even better.  Her brother opens the closet.  He threatens to tell their mom.  I leave very confused.  

AGE 10- Her sister keeps trying to pull me away to do it.  I don’t want to get in trouble.  I don’t want her to get in trouble.  I liked every moment.  We’re too young.  She doesn’t speak to me.

AGE 11- Where is my boyfriend? We’ve been together for 3 years now and I only see him at school.  We kiss a lot and they separate our classes.  We don’t really call each other anymore.  I forget about him on the weekend.  Why do I always do that?  Most of my girl friends hate me.  We sneak to talk on the phone.  I made friends at dance class.

AGE 12- Middle school!!!! Your boyfriend doesn’t talk to you anymore.  You don’t know why.  You meet a lot of nice girls at dance class.  They smell nice even though they’re sweaty. You want to be like them.  You especially love to watch their bodies move while their dancing.  You make one friend in particular.  Her name is N.  She’s loud, crazy, and fun.  

AGE 12-  You have your first sleepover at N’s house.  You’re cuddling little do you realize.  Her mother comes in and says friends shouldn’t cuddle like that.

AGE 13- N’s your best friend.  You guys go to the same school!  You like to hold hands and cuddle a lot.  She starts to go through puberty.  You already did so you know what happens, but you can’t stop staring at her. You guys like to talk about boys and getting her a boyfriend.

AGE 13- Andrew.  He was your first middle school boyfriend.  Biked all the way to your new house to see you.  For some reason he never wanted to kiss you.  He moves away in two weeks.

AGE 13-Shaq.  He’s an older boy and knows what he wants.  Sometimes after he breaks up with you he throws you up against a wall and starts making out with you.  You think it’s mature, and he’s experienced.  It kind of scares you.  You don’t want it to go any further.  His breath smells.

AGE 13- V- A boy your age!!! He really likes you! and you like him too!  He’s really immature to you though but he likes to make out.  You don’t like his breath or his smell but you like to play in his hair.  You guys tell funny jokes.  He cheats on you with your best friend but you don’t care.

AGE 13- P- you guys become friends too!   You hang out with the older crowd, you have cool hobbies, you go to parties, and you didn’t even need drugs to have that much fun because you made the party.  You could almost like her, if only N wasn’t jealous of your friendship.  You find out she slept with V and pretend it hurts more than the crush.

AGE 14-You and N are at an all time high of affection.  People at school start to notice.  Are you gay?

AGE 14-N told me what gay was.  I never knew what it meant to be attracted to the same sex, but I knew how it felt.  I guess I like girls?

AGE 14- T.  We went to elementary school together and he always liked me.  P2 liked him too.  I went to his house and made out with him.  I caught the bus home and never spoke to him again.

AGE 14- Why do I watch girls bodies dancing all the time?  Why do I like to see girls naked?  Why do I anticipate cuddling or touching my friends?  Why do I always forget about the boys that I liked.  Mom always said I was boy crazy.  Why is it so easy to forget them when I’m with my friends?  Why do I stare at the beautiful girl on the bus every day?  Why do I know every picture this girl has posted.  Why do I stare at girls pictures so much?  I like their style.  I want to be like them.  Why do I think about kissing her?

AGE 14- “I think I like girls”. At least that’s what I told my mother.  Her response; “no you don’t”

AGE 14- P likes D.  She says as a friend so I develop a crush.  He’s very passive, no chalant, cool guy.  He never cares about any of my romantic advances, but he’s great to talk to online.  We kiss each other but he doesn’t want more to our friendship.  Reluctantly I accept.

AGE 14- N convinces me to try dating a girl.  Her name is Q.  She’s hilarious, intelligent, quickwitted, and very pretty.  We never see each other out of school really, but she called me every day.  We would talk for hours.  I felt very connected.   She wanted to kiss me on Valentines Day.  She told me I didn’t know how to kiss and broke up with me shortly after.  She still loved her ex and I missed D... or maybe I just wanted attention... or both.

AGE 14- D and i talk all the time online but barely see each other.  His family loves me.  He talks to other people about my business.  He says I’m a crazy stalker. He never told me to my face.

AGE 14- I make friends with his friends, especially one named K.  We talk about how much of a jerk D can be.  He understands, and cares... My first real guy friend.

AGE 15- D and I are upset with each other on and off.  We liked each other in privacy.  I never had sex before... at least with a boy at the time.  It’s summer time and I paid him a visit.  Without much lead up we try to have sex.  We kiss until our clothes are off and when he pulls it out I’m very dry.  I tried to put it in but, nothing.  We lay in bed together.

AGE 16-  You’re bi?  No pan. No, lesbian?  Idk, you still get crushes on guys but most you would never pursue.  The daydreams about girls are stronger.  You try dating more girls.  

AGE 16-  You date a girl named C.  She’s not out yet but you don’t know that.  She’s really nice and you guys bond a lot outside of school.  Mostly at her house when her parents aren’t home.  Your mom doesn’t really care for her too much, and isn’t exactly non vocal about it.  She never breaks up with you know when it’s over.

AGE 17- I think I’m gay.  Boys are just objectively attractive.  Maybe, if the right boy were to come by you might try it 

AGE 17- College.  You crush on a girl, she rejects you and tells you she isn’t interested in women at all.

AGE 17- Remember K?  The friend you confided in? You really like his company, but you also notice something different.  He likes you... a lot.  He puts his hand in the chair.  You’re uncomfortable to sit but he’s nice.  Is he the right boy?

AGE 17- It’s been almost 2 years since you’ve kissed someone. He likes you and you like him too, at least you think.  You guys kiss and while your body is reacting your mind is not following

AGE 17- You and K start dating!  Your friendship means a lot to each other, and that’s how relationships start right?  He wants to have sex a lot, but you’re just not comfortable. All the signs add up, he likes you, you don’t hate kissing him, but something just doesn’t feel right.  After week 3 you finally give in.  It’s not bad but it’s not good.  Is this what the first time is like?

AGE 17- The more you think about him, the more uncomfortable you get with your relationship.  Do you like when your lips touch? He’s your friend.   Do you like the way he feels?  This is the right thing to do. Does the sex make you feel something? Are you moving too fast?  Maybe you’re not ready for a relationship.  It’s only been a month.  You call it off.  Maybe you just need to focus on school, BUT YOU GUYS ARE STILL FRIENDS NO MATTER WHAT.

AGE 18- Happy Birthday! First tattoo! First night out at the club!  Remember that crush?  She kissed you goodnight.  You’re happy but confused.

AGE 18-  You guys start dating.  You finally gain the courage to tell K.  He is very upset.  He needs some space.  You understand.  He stops talking to you for a few months.  

AGE 18- Things are going great!  You guys really like each other, hanging out with each other, but something doesn’t feel right.  K calls from time to time, you usually don’t leave without feeling guilty.  Your mom doesn’t like your crush.  She wants you to move.  You try but your car breaks down.  All the money for the deposit now goes to the car.

AGE 18- She’s not over an ex.  She’s not out to her family. You’re no longer intimate. K keeps calling.  You miss his friendship.  He misses you.

AGE 18- It’s summer and hot. You vent to K.  He misses you.  You tell him you want friendship.  He lays his hand on your thigh.  You start to cry.  He wants to get back together.  You don’t know what you want

AGE 18-You last for 6 months.  

AGE 18-You tell K what happened.  He listens.  You’re lonely.  He listens. He’s there.  Maybe he is the one?  You cry while sucking his dick

AGE 18- ATTENTION; It’s been 6 months since your break up with your ex gf.  You guys have casual sex.  It’s been a while that you’ve felt wanted.  You are wanted.  Maybe you do like him?  You want to be in a relationship.  He needs time to trust you again.  In the meantime use your body.

AGE 19- You’re back together again!!! Things are going great! You’re happy! Someone likes you and you’re more than over your ex. Someone asks your sexual orientation, who are you again? Let’s try queer.

AGE 19- You can only think about girls when you masturbate.  He asks what you would do to a girl that you couldn’t do to him.  It’s not the same.

AGE 19- Sex.  You’re definitely having more of it but what are you not enjoying?  Is it his penis?  Too big too small? Does he not know how to pleasure you?  Fingers too big?  Is it the birth control?  This is starting to look a lot more like high school.

AGE 20-  Why do you cry every time you guys have sex but you can make yourself cum six times in one session.  Why do you feel disgusted every time he cums on the floor, in your mouth?  Why do hate the smell of his sweat? His cuddles?  Why do you avoid and agonize every time he wants to initiate sex?  Why do you keep thinking about N?  Why do you keep thinking about the cashier from two weeks ago?

AGE 20- It’s August. You don’t know what’s different than last August but you’re just not the same.  Awakening.  It’s been 3 months since the last time you had sex and before then, it was rare.  It’s time.

AGE 20- You tell him you don’t want to do it anymore.  He admits to cheating on you with another girl.  It didn’t matter though because you planned on calling it off anyway.  He still wants a fwb.  You just want to be done.  He wants to still have a sexual connection.  You say maybe so he stops, but never again is the real answer.

AGE 20-You’re gay. Not bi. Not pan. Not queer.  Just a lesbian.  It’s refreshing.  You haven’t felt this pure since you were 13.

AGE 20- Remember that girl, N?  Well you guys have sex and the answers begin to unfold. The truth has always been there but you begin to understand it.  You are now vulnerable.  You know what it means to love.  You know what it means to hate.  You know what it truly means to be gay, but even more a time and a place for things.  

AGE 21- You meet a girl again.  You’ve always known each other but you move from a distance.  You went to elementary school together, in fact you reminded her she dated your ex K.  None of that matters though because your eyes are on her, and hers on you.  She has 3 days left before she moves to Florida.  Why not?

AGE 22-It’s been almost a year since you’ve been together.  You have your own apartment.  A kitty.  Things make sense.  Things are clear.  Her lips sunkiss you and the burn lasts long after she leaves.  She brings the truth in you every day.  She teaches you what it means to love; honestly, openly, truthfully.  She makes you proud and confident in the person you are and the being your becoming.  More than anything she moves you in a way your four year old self only daydreamed about.

[welovekpopscenarios]

Coincidence Pt. 3 (Jimin x Reader)

Admin: Mimi

Description: After your break up with Jimin, you do your best to try to move on from him. Emphasis on ‘try’. It is kind of hard to move on when you have to see him nearly every day. After all, he is your professor.

Fandom: BTS

Genre: Angst, fluff

Pairing: Jimin x Reader

Warnings: language, slight anxiety/discomfort

Word Count: 5318

Authors Note: This is the final part of Coincidence! My first series! (Well, mini-series, I guess, but I hadn’t even planned on making it a series, everyone asked for more parts and I gave in lmao) But yes, it’s been a fun ride :’) I hope everyone enjoys this part, and happy reading as always.

 - PART 1 -

 - PART 2 -

 - BONUS -

If you had thought that first class when Jimin walked in and introduced himself as your professor was awkward as hell, then the following weeks after your break up made you want to dig a hole on the spot and bury yourself so deep, you’d never see the light of day again. And you’d be perfectly okay with that. Because every time you stepped foot into that classroom, you felt more and more miserable with each passing second you had to look at his face.

Though you tried to ignore it, Jimin, you thought, looked just as bad as you did, if not worse. He rarely smiled, if he ever did to begin with, and his clothes, once immaculate and pristine, were now dishevelled, his hair rough from running his fingers through it one too many times. You knew he’d stare at you whenever he could during the lecture, your friend told you as much, and you did the same whenever he wasn’t gazing in your direction, staring longingly and the man who gave you so much happiness in the few precious weeks you had together before it all came crashing down. But of course it would. It had to. You didn’t want to jeopardise Jimin’s career; he had told you how much his job meant to him, you couldn’t bare being the one to ruin that for him.

It broke your heart every time you entered the class and had to watch as he tried to teach in a professional manner. Often (too often), after meeting his eyes briefly, where you would immediately cast yours to your notebook, you would hear his voice crack the slightest, and each crack sent one through your own heart. A heart that, you were sure, was barely holding together. On occasion, especially during the first week or two after the split, he’d excuse himself from the classroom for a moment and leave in a haste, face hidden behind his dark locks. You’d heard from a student who passed by him after returning from the bathroom that he was crying, absolutely bawling his eyes out in an alcove in the wall, and that only served to make you feel even more guilt ridden and disgusted with yourself.

It felt like you couldn’t breathe properly anymore, that you were drowning and no matter how much you pushed your mind to float for air, no matter how many times your lungs heaved, you could never get the air you required into your lungs, into your brain, into your heart. Is this what heartbreak felt like? You thought you had experienced it before – young love ending too fast for your liking, crying tears for hours after the text came through ‘I’m sorry, it just isn’t working out :(‘ , and you had thought that was one of the worst times in your life. But now you’re older, wiser, and you realise that this feeling, this incredibly dull, lifeless feeling in your chest, the sickly twists of your stomach that reeled in guilt and bitterness, butterflies that once were cheerful now wilting and dying, you realise that this is heartbreak. An unbearable pain that will not go away; no amount of distractions or talking or crying can cure it. A hole you were stuck in, unable to climb out of, too tired to even try to.

The only other emotion than sorrow you were capable of feeling was jealousy and hatred, and that was directed only towards Jang-mi. It wrapped around you like a venomous snake, coiling around your gut until that was the only thing you could focus your attention on. You know, deep down, it’s not right to hate her. She had just opened your eyes to the situation you tried so desperately not to think about. But it’s hard not to hate her, when she has the audacity to flirt openly with Jimin in class and smile sweetly at you like she always does. Luckily for your fragile heart, Jimin took as much interest in her as one would in watching paint dry, brushing off her attempts at seducing him with an irritated look and blatant indifference towards her being, and you can’t stop the sick satisfaction that floods through your body and the miniscule twisted smirk when she walks away from him with an irked frown. His eyes flicker towards yours when she moves away, filled with worry, but you can’t return the stare for longer than two seconds, ducking your head and turning towards your friend who furrows her brows and tuts at your behaviour.

To pile on to the heavy weight of guilt on your back, your friend has been your rock throughout the tears and pain, and you don’t know how you could ever repay her. You can tell that your depressing form is taking a toll on her patience, but she’s too stubborn to ever leave you alone, refusing to leave you in need no matter how aggravating your crying and whining and wailing might become. You’d even taken to calling her your angel, and for some reason the nickname stuck. It’s a name she seems to wear proudly, and serves as a reminder for how much she tries to make you feel like you were once before.

If that ever happens.

She’s tried everything to aid your heartbreak; bucket loads of ice cream and a very wet shoulder, ears near bleeding from your screaming, forcing you to shower and take care of yourself, to eat when you need to. She even tried getting you to do new hobbies ‘knitting is the new thing, I swear!’, but nothing worked. You didn’t want a new hobby, or food, or anything.

All you wanted was Jimin.

And he was so, so close.

But unbearably out of reach.

It was almost ironic how you seemed to find yourself in the same position as that fateful day you first became acquainted with Jimin.

“It’ll be good for you, I promise,” your friend pleaded, in almost the same manner as you remember the first time; your hands clutched in her own as she nearly bent the knee.

“I don’t see how going back to that pub can help me in any way,” you retorted, pulling your hands out of her hold to cross your arms defensively over your chest as you stared blankly at the TV. Just some rerun of an old show, forgotten as the years past. Oh look, the protagonist is madly in love with the boy, but they can’t be together because he’s moving away. Far, far away. Huh. Funny.

“Y/N, please. You’re right back at square one; you’re not going out, you’re not interested in anything, you’re not taking care of yourself,” she sighs, pursing her lips as she kept her eyes on her knees. “At least last time you weren’t depressed because of some gu-“

She quickly shut up when you shot her a deathly glare, eyes slightly bloodshot and nose beginning to sting with a fresh bout of tears. Dammit. You were on a roll with only crying twice today.

Sniffling, you rubbed you nose harshly and returned your attention to the TV, not fully taking in the story of the show. That was the end of the conversation. She knew where you drew the line.

Or, at least, she did.

“Well, I’m not wrong, am I?” she questioned but you kept quiet. “This Friday you’re going out with me again. I’m not taking no for an answer” she quipped when she saw your mouth drop open to reject her. “I just want you to come out and have fun. You aren’t yourself anymore, and to be honest, it scares me a little. I’ve never known you to be this hung up over a breakup, and I’m sick of seeing you cry. Just one night; a night of drinking, laughs, the lot. Please. If you don’t like it, I won’t force you again. But please, just try. For me? I want my best friend back,” she confessed, and you gave pause.

You really weren’t yourself anymore, just a sad shell of your former self. Even if your ‘former self’ was somewhat quiet and introverted, at least you didn’t spend your days bawling your eyes out and drowning in thoughts of what could have been. There were no ‘ifs’ or ‘buts’ about a guy back then. You were just you: a college student trying get through your course with as little struggle as possible and aim for a great career once you were finished with it all.

But if you went out, to the bar where it all began, how could you stop yourself from breaking down? How could you stop the onslaught of tears in a crowded bar, with what would feel like millions of eyes on you, adding to your embarrassment? You already feel like you’re suffocating, you don’t need to make it worse. Her intentions may be good, but you aren’t taking the risk.

“I don’t think I could do that, angel,” you whispered hoarsely. Clearing your throat, you spoke again. “I don’t think I’m ready for that.”

Your friend groaned and took your hands once again.

“And when are you going to be ready, Y/N? It’s been weeks already!” she snapped, but when she saw you wince at her harsh tone, she quietened down and apologised. “Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. And I know you’re hurting. But don’t you at least want to try? To do something other than mope?”

You took a deep breath. “I just…I don’t know if it’s a good idea. I don’t want to be in a crowd.”

“You’ll be sitting beside me all night. I won’t leave your side. We’ll even go home early, and you can stay at my house! We’ll watch old kids movies together. C’mon,” she smiled hopefully. “Please? I just want to see my best friend smile again.”

You stared at her for a moment, tonguing your cheek. Admittedly, you were sick of the state you were in. You just needed a push in the right direction. Angel was trying to do that for you, but you’ve been neglecting her nudges. Maybe she was right. Maybe you do need a break. Even if it is back at that bar. A change of scenery couldn’t hurt. Anything other than the gloom and emptiness of your apartment, or the doom you get when seeing your college in your line of sight.

You nodded your head the slightest, swallowing back any complaints crawling their way out of your mouth, and listened as you friend squealed and jumped up and down in her spot on the couch.

“Yay, I’m so happy! This will be good for you, I promise! I’m gonna dress you up and everyth-“

“No,” you interrupted quickly, meeting her confused expression. “I don’t want to dress up. At least, not a lot,” you explained. “I’ll get ready myself. I won’t look a mess, I swear.”

She nodded her head in agreement, and held your face in her palms, squishing your cheeks and shaking your head slightly.

“I’m so glad,” she beams. “I only want the best for you, Y/N, even if I seem mean at times, I don’t mean it and I only ever want you to be happy. You deserve only the best things in life.”

You wanted to say you had the best thing in your life but you had to let him go, but kept your mouth shut.

Instead, you attempted a weak smile, one your friend seemed satisfied with. She dragged you in for a hug and you hid your face in her shoulder.

“I’m really grateful for everything you’ve done for me,” you mumbled. “Thank you, my angel.”

She chuckled, rubbing your back comfortingly, something she’s done too many times lately.

“It’s nothing, Y/N, it’s what friends do.”

To say you had some regrets about coming back to the pub with your friend, would probably be the understatement of the year.

You had gotten ready and made yourself somewhat presentable than you’ve looked for the past few weeks; opting for comfortable yet stylish clothes – nothing crazy like the dress your friend had put on you when she helped you that one night. It wasn’t anything fancy, but it was all you could bear to be in right now. Quite frankly, you didn’t even feel at home in your own skin, feeling like an empty body rather than a person, but you do what you can.

Now, however, sitting in the crowded bar (it was always packed with people, it seemed), all you wanted to do was crawl under your covers and hide. The noise in the room pierced through your brain and you could feel a headache coming along as a result. The hustle and bustle of the people – some drunk, some sober – caused anxiety to spike through you at every bump of a shoulder. Sat at a table with your friend in the corner, your mind was elsewhere than on her conversation, only managing a few faint mumbles as replies.

You really regretted coming here, the suffocating feeling you’ve been experiencing only heightening as the hours passed – hours that felt like years instead. Looking down at your hands, you were almost surprised at how they were starting to shake, and wondered what the cause was until you felt that familiar stinging at your eyes when you caught sight of the seat you sat at when you met Jimin.

You tugged on your friends sleeve, drawing her attention away from the few drunken fools attempting to sing ‘Hotline Bling’ on the karaoke machine.

“I’m need some air, I’ll be back in a minute,” you informed her.

“Oh shit, ok sure. I’ll come with you,” she offered but you put a hand on her shoulder to push her gently back into her seated position.

“No...I just…I need some air. I need to be alone,” you explained quietly, and she gave you a sad smile. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, I dragged you here. Take as much time as you need, stay safe. I’ll be right here,” she replied serenely, and with that, you began to make your way through the throng of bodies to the front doors. You weaved and bobbed, squeezing through the crowd and apologising for making some stumble, until you were home free, breathing in the sweet fresh air a Friday night could bring.

You took a few gulps of air into your lungs, leaning your weight against the side of building just a bit away from the doors, feeling somewhat better for the quiet and peace. You took this time to calm yourself down, getting a grip on yourself and the situation, if at all possible.

Well, you tried to, but fate was a bitch, and always liked to mess around with you.

“Hey, you ok there, girly?”

The deep voice came from your right, and your heart stopped beating momentarily before resuming, this time in a more erratic manner. You looked up and saw a tall man, wobbling towards you with a hand steadying himself on the concrete wall, moving until he was standing too close for your liking and invading your personal space. You cleared your throat and took a step back, crossing your arms and keeping your eyes on your shoes.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks,” you muttered, and hoped he’d move away at that, but you were just being foolishly hopeful. He plonked his free hand on your shoulder, making you jump, and inclined his head near yours, filling your nostrils with the foul stench of piss poor beer and cigarettes. You wrinkled your nose in distaste and moved to get away, but his iron clad grip on your shoulder held you in place.

“You ain’t looking too great, babe. I think you need someone to look after you,” he slurred, grinning toothily at his proposition and sliding the hand on your shoulder around your neck and bringing you in for what looked like a side hug. You craned you neck away as far as you could and pushed subtly at his chest.

“I’m ok, I have a friend with me,” you told him, but he shook his head, faux concern washing over his ugly face.

“I don’t see any friend around here, sugar. Must be shit friends you made if they’d leave you all alone like this,” he tutted, tongue flicking out to wet his chapped lips as his lids lowered.

Anger flared through you at his remark, and your face scrunched up in fury.

“She’s not a ‘shit’ friend, don’t you dare say that when you don’t even know her,” you snarled, pushing against his chest with more force, but his grip tightened, and you stumbled when he did.

“Woah,” he laughed mockingly at you, “you’re a feisty one. But you’re sick, remember?” A finger rubbed at your cheek with a yellowed nail, and he leaned down to whisper in your ear, hot breath making you nearly gag. “I should take care of you, so come home with me. I’ll make sure you feel a whole lot better, princess.”

Your eyes widened at his insinuation, and you fought to escape his grip even more, but it was like his arm was a chain, locking you and tightening with every move you made.

“No!” you barked, and tears of frustration began to cloud your vision. “I’m not going anywhere with you!”

The man’s smirk faded into a dark look, and you felt his nails dig crescents into the skin of your arm.

“Now, that wasn’t nice, sweetheart. Apologise, and I’ll treat you nicely when we get home, even if you don’t deserve it,” he warned, and you gulped, ready to scream before a third voice broke through your interaction.

“I believe she said she wasn’t going home with you.”

Your head turned to the new voice, and your heart skipped a beat. There stood Jimin, a look of absolute thunder on his face as he stared the man down, eyes flickering between the man’s face and his hand around you. His gaze softened when it finally fell on you, and you felt like screaming, because a look that soft on Jimin should not be directed at you after what you did to him.

Your silent moment was interrupted by the man’s horrible laugh penetrating the silence, forcing his weight on you as he blinked at Jimin.

“Who are you, midget?” the man insulted, and Jimin rolled his eyes.

“I’m her friend,” he answered smoothly, and you tried to ignore the pang of pain you felt at the word ‘friend’.

“Some friend you are, leaving a pretty thing like her all on her lonesome outside,” he teased, frowning in confusion soon afterwards. “Wait, I thought you said it was a she?

“She’s with me. Now get away from her, and leave us alone,” Jimin sneered, his fists clenching by his sides when the man pinched roughly at your cheek and you gave a yelp of pain.

“I don’t think so, shrimp. She wants to come home with me, don’t you sweetie? So, why don’t you run off with your lil leg- ow, fuck! You little bitch!” he yelled, because in a split second decision, you moved your mouth to bite at the fingers pinching your cheeks.

When he let go you to inspect that damage done to his fingers, you took the opportunity to run away from him and headed towards Jimin without a moment’s hesitation. He gathered you into his arms and held you tight, and it almost made you laugh at how the first bit of contact you’ve had with Jimin in weeks made you feel as if the world was right once again.

You buried your face in his chest and listened as he whispered sweet reassurances in your ear, fingers undoing knots in your hair and holding you close, and you felt the best you’ve ever felt since you left. You inhaled his scent, a smell so distinctly Jimin, and almost wept with relief. He was here, holding you, and he got you out of a potentially dangerous situation. He protected you, like he used to promise you he always would.

The reunion was short lived, as the man started to splutter curses at the both of you, spittle flying out of his mouth as his face turned an embarrassing shade of red.

“Next time you’re out, don’t use semen as hair gel, buddy,” Jimin quipped, and you barked out a shocked laugh into his chest. The guy looked ready to kill, but before he could lunge at Jimin or yourself, a group of guys rushed up to him and held him back, one of them explaining he was friends with the man and apologising for his behaviour. Jimin replied something along then lines of ‘make sure he doesn’t creep on girls again’, and then he’s leading you away, still clinging to you and shielding you from the world.

You don’t talk at all during the walk to his car, but you find your voice just before you get in.

“Uhm…my friend is…she’s…she’s waiting for me in the bar,” you stuttered, wringing your hands together and keeping your eyes trained on your shoes. Jimin gave a silent sigh, opening the door to his car and sitting down.

“I understand if you want to go back to her…but I don’t think it’s best for you to stay in the bar. At least, it didn’t look like you were having the best time. You look like you just want to go home. And you probably should, after what happened.”

You paused, absorbing his words.

“H-how did you know I wasn’t enjoying myself?” you questioned, and his eyes grew in size, a blush dusting his cheeks a light pink. He scratched awkwardly at the back of his neck.

“I-uh, I just…I mean, I was in the bar-and I saw you…and you looked really sad, like you do lately, and I uhm, I just figured, you know,” he ended weakly, avoiding your questioning stare and instead fiddling with the buttons on the dashboard of his car.

“So you were watching me,” you concluded, and Jimin winced. “…Why didn’t you come over and talk to me?”

His head flickered to gape at you, biting his lip in nervousness.

“I was…I was too scared to,” he admitted, pulling at the skin of his lip. “Plus, I didn’t think you’d want to talk to me. You know, after…” he trailed off, gesturing his hands in a general motion, sighing and dropping them dejectedly in his lap. It absolutely tore you to pieces, seeing him this way. He doesn’t deserve it. This was the first bit of closure the two of you were getting since that fateful day, and you weren’t passing it up. Your heart wouldn’t let you.

Sighing shakily, you brought your phone from its place in your pocket and sent a quick text to your friend:

‘Hey, I’m sorry but I have to go. I’m not at the bar anymore. Jimin picked me up. Something happened. I’m sorry, I’ll explain everything tomorrow’

Not even a few seconds later, you received a reply.

‘Someone told me about a commotion outside, and I figured it was you. At least he got you. I’m sorry that happened to you, and that I brought you here. I hope he takes care of you. Stay safe 😉’

Pocketing your phone, you look up to see Jimin watching you with careful eyes, averting them quickly when yours aligned with his. Toying with the ends of your shirt, you took a breath before sitting in the car with him, closing the door behind you softly. You twiddled your thumbs, sitting silently in the passenger seat for a few moments. Jimin didn’t push you to say anything, and you didn’t push him. You let the comfort that only Jimin could bring invade your senses, and you nearly deflated in your seat, his presence a welcome respite from the weeks of distance you tried to maintain.

“Take me home please, Jimin,” you breathed, eyes shut. You heard the car starting up, the soft rumble of the car filling the silence between the both of you, and then you felt a presence above you. You opened your eyes to see Jimin leaning over you, your breath hitching in your throat when he made eye contact with you in such close proximity. He was still for a few seconds, just as you were, just staring at you with an unreadable expression, before snapping out of whatever trance he was in and pulling the seatbelt around you like he had intended, returning to his place at the wheel after buckling you in. Right. Seatbelt. Safety first.

Just like the first time he drove you home, the ride was quiet; weak attempts at small talk here and there until you both gave up, too awkward to say anything. And you didn’t know what you could say to him. And you spent so long going over things you could say to him in your mind, you didn’t even realise he had just pulled up outside your apartment far too quickly for your liking.

He shut off the engine, and again the car was plunged in silence, neither of you moving an inch, and just simply…sitting. His lips parted a few times, as if to say something, but nothing ever came up, and instead he sighed irritably and sagged his shoulders.

“Thank you for bringing me home, Jimin,” you said, but before you could make a move and put your hand on the door handle, Jimin’s own hand shot out to hold the wrist closest to him.

“Wait,” he blurted. You looked at him, shocked, and he looked like a deer caught in the headlights. “I…I want…I want t-to talk,” he stuttered, biting his plush lip and worrying it. You lowered your hand from the door to your lap, subtly rubbing your palm against your thigh.

“Ok,” you nodded. “Let’s talk.”

The corner of his lips turned up briefly, his lower lip breaking free from his teeth. He looked down at his hand, realising how he was holding you, and released you quickly, muttering an apology but subconsciously your hand gripped his tight, not ready to let go yet. His face lit up in joy, and he manoeuvred his grasp to interlock your fingers, puzzle pieces finally slotting together as they should. You heart jumped at the move, and you felt heat crawling up the back of your neck.

He gathered courage to stare you dead in the eye, and you virtually got sucked into the black pits of his beautiful eyes, those eyes you wanted to wake up next to so dearly. He took a deep breath.

“I miss you,” he confessed, and he physically slumped at the admission, looking so tired and worn than you’ve ever seen him. “I miss you so fucking much, and I hate not being near you, or seeing you so sad, not being able to hold you, or protect you, and I love you so much,” his voice cracked at the end, and he cleared his throat, blinking back tears that were forming in his eyes. You could feel his sorrow crashing over you like waves on a shore now that you were sitting next to him, and you nearly puked with guilt. You caused this. You caused this pain. But you don’t forget the reason why.

“I miss you too,” you echoed, voice as shaky as a leaf in the wind. “And I love you, so much. You don’t understand how much I love you, Jimin. Only you,” you sniffed, nose gone stuffy, emotions welling up inside of you, waiting to spill over. “But I can’t get in the way of your career,” you said as sternly as you could. It’s hard to put up a hard front when you can feel the tears in your eyes.

He furrowed his brows and gripped your hand tighter.

“No, no, no. You won’t, we’ll be fine. Everything is ok, I just want you to come back to me, please. No one can stop us,” he rambled, but you cut him off.

“Jimin, I know what kind of college I go to. It’s not going to allow a professor to date a student, even with our ages. If word gets out that you dated a student, and got fired for it, it would ruin your reputation. You wouldn’t find another job, at least for a good while. And I’ll be damned if I let that happen.”

“But…but I love you,” you muttered weakly. “I don’t care what they think. Let them think what they want. They can fire me if they want. They can’t stop us,” he said stubbornly.

“Jimin,” you sighed sadly, the tears in your eyes finally trailing down your cheeks, and Jimin didn’t hesitate to wipe them away softly. “You know as well as I do that that’s not true. They can damage your reputation. I’m not letting you waste your hard work and dreams. Even if I love you with all my heart,” he whimpered at that, “I care about you too much to see you run into the ground because of me.”

Jimin shook his head, ready to argue more but all that he could manage was a croak before he too was crying. You held his face in your palms, crying along with him, touching your forehead to his as he pressed his hands against yours, keeping them in place.

You both bawled in the sanctuary of his car, some old radio station playing lost love songs quietly, drowned out from the sobs emitting from your chests.

He moved his hands from above yours to the back of your neck, and dragged you in for a searing kiss; lips you hadn’t tasted for a while but not forgotten the taste of, you never could. The saltiness of your tears mingled with your mouths, a bittersweet addition to a kiss you’ve sought after for so long. Your head was clouded by everything Jimin – his taste, his smell, his touch, his heart. For once since your breakup, you felt like you could breathe easily. Ironic, considering you were losing your oxygen from attempting to stay connected to Jimin for as long as possible.

Jimin broke away first, gasping for air, pressing a quick kiss to your lips before he said:

“I’ll wait.”

You blinked, dumbfounded.

“What?”

Jimin laughed lightly and wobbly, tracing the features of your face with the pads of his fingers, as if marking, memorising, every detail you had. Keeping those details locked away in his heart.

“I’ll wait. Until summer, when you’re on break. Ms Abbot will be back when college starts up again, so I’ll technically be out of a job. And not working in the college anymore. They can’t say anything then, because I’m not a member of staff. So I’ll wait for you. If you’ll allow me to.”

“Jimin…” you were astounded. And quite frankly, you felt stupid for not thinking about that. “Jimin that’s still a few months away.”

“I don’t care. I’ll wait as long as I have to. If it means having you as close to me like before – like now, the I’ll wait a decade, a millennium, until you’re back in my arms.”

He gave you a gentle smile, and your body flooded with warmth, a warmth that reminded you of hugs when you’re sad, a fireplace lit during a cold winter, the cosiness of slipping your feet into fluffy sock fresh out of a dryer. All good feelings. Feelings Jimin brought.

“So, can I wait?”

You returned his smile, cheeks flushing a rosy red. It felt like the first time in forever that you smiled, a foreign but pleasant stretch of your face.

“Okay.”

[heyeulalie]

More of the Backstory

I’m going to try to tell this story as concisely as possible.

So I am 35 and single. So very, very unhappily single.

About 5 years ago I left a relationship I shouldn’t have been in. He was an atheist and we had been living together and sleeping together. I had always been afraid to be alone and had jumped from relationship to relationship since I was a teenager. I was in my late 20′s and he and I were dating around the time a lot of my friends were starting to get married. I hoped that if we just really acted like we were married we would eventually get married and everything would be okay in God’s eyes.

But as time passed and I got closer and closer to God I felt like God was telling me to leave my boyfriend. Deep down I knew that relationship wasn’t what I really wanted either. I wanted to be with someone who also had a relationship with God, even though the prospect of starting all over again seemed absolutely terrifying.

I jumped and God caught me. My friend from church offered to let me move in with her, and three days after my ex and I broke up I was offered a job on staff at my church. It wasn’t easy, but God surrounded me so closely with His people in a time when I was so hurt and raw and vulnerable.

Leaving that relationship was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It wasn’t so much about the relationship, as it was about completely abandoning my old unhealthy way of relating to people and deciding, once and for all, that God’s way really is the best way.

Watching my entire life crumble, and losing all the closeness and intimacy I had been used to only to be replaced with a lot of work was crushing.

One day I asked God, in tears, that if it was His will for me to be single and alone forever that I didn’t want to be alive. I told Him I couldn’t and wouldn’t kill myself. I knew it was wrong and I also just couldn’t do that to my parents, but I very seriously asked God to please end my life.

It turns out that praying for death isn’t a good prayer to pray. God is a God of life, He wants to give us life abundantly. If we’re in Him we’re always alive anyway - so praying for death is basically praying against His will. I know this now, but I did not know it then. The only example in the Bible I could think of was Elijah, who asked God to let Him die. God never reprimanded him for his prayer - but instead sent an angel to bring him a snack.

Anyway, I prayed very seriously asking God to let me die, and then got up to take a shower because I had to go to work again. I was sobbing in the shower, my thoughts racing, when I heard a voice in my head. It wasn’t an audible voice, but it was calm in a way that none of my own thoughts had been. I had noticed that God sometimes speaks to me by dropping a word in my head, so I try to at least pay attention when it happens. Sometimes it’s just my own random thoughts, but sometimes I do think it really is God. 

The voice said “Tobit”.

I had no idea what a tobit was, but if it might be God trying to tell me something I figured I might as well look it up. It turns out that Tobit is a book that is in the Catholic Bible, but not the version of the Bible I had. I had never heard of it. I started to read it and started sobbing again.

Tobit is a righteous man living in the wicked city of Ninevah. One day he is struck blind, and prays, very sincerely, asking for God to let him die. Sarah lives in Media. She has been engaged seven times, but each one of her fiances dies just before the wedding day. She is extremely ashamed and doesn’t want to live. She tells God she can’t commit suicide because she can’t make her father suffer, but she asks God to take her life.

And this was how God answered their prayers for death in Tobit Chapter 3:

“6 At that very time, the prayer of both of them was heard in the glorious presence of God. 17g So Raphael was sent to heal them both: to remove the white scales from Tobit’s eyes, so that he might again see with his own eyes God’s light; and to give Sarah, the daughter of Raguel, as a wife to Tobiah, the son of Tobit, and to rid her of the wicked demon Asmodeus. For it fell to Tobiah’s lot* to claim her before any others who might wish to marry her. At that very moment Tobit turned from the courtyard to his house, and Raguel’s daughter Sarah came down from the upstairs room.“

I just had no words. Sarah’s prayer had been almost exactly my prayer, and take this to mean what you will, but I felt like God was saying that He wasn’t going to let me die, but that He was going to heal me and bring me a husband.

This really felt to me like a promise from God, and it’s something I’ve been holding on to and honestly trying to figure out how to steward well. I believe God told me this to give me hope through a very dark, hard season, but I’ve been through times when I think maybe I’ve held on to this promise more than to God, and wondered if even a promise from God can be an idol. I have to keep laying it down again and trusting that if this is really His will then it is completely safe in His hands.

I’m still trying to figure this all out.

For about three years I felt like God was stopping me from dating every time I tried. Instead I felt like He just wanted me to focus on trying to make friends with other believers.

Again, it was a whole new thing for me. I hadn’t grown up going to church so the concept of having Christian friends, or the fact that it could be important to have friends who share your beliefs was pretty foreign to me. Church people didn’t feel like safe people to me because they weren’t like my old friends - most of them weren’t nerdy and I always felt a little less than around them. I felt like most of them were better than me and didn’t know how to feel like I was on even footing with them, even though I knew, intellectually, that we’re all equal in Jesus’s eyes.

Through all of this God uncovered so much junk from my past that was inhibiting in my relationships in general. I felt extremely rejected and ostracized as a kid, and took rejection on as my identity. Growing up I felt like a total outcast until guys suddenly started noticing me and being attracted to me. Their attention gave me a value that I hadn’t been able to find in myself, and from then on I always felt like I needed to have a boyfriend in order to have the same value that normal people just have inherently.

I also felt extremely rejected and ostracized by average people, but among other rejects I felt extremely loved and seen and valued, probably because most of the attention from guys was coming from that circle of friends. I was constantly categorizing the people I met as “safe person” or “unsafe person” based on whether or not they seemed like a rejected person. I felt like the only people who wouldn’t reject me were other rejects, so therefore they were the only safe types of people to befriend.

I built a whole elaborate system to avoid being rejected, which really just put a huge limit on the types of people I allowed myself to get to know. Even in my dating relationships, I would, for the most part, intentionally choose someone I thought was a little bit “less than” me - less attractive, less healthy -  so I would feel safe knowing that he would have to be crazy to reject me. Ultimately though, these relationships were never satisfying because, deep down I wanted someone who would challenge me and be on my level, even though I was too scared to go after it.

When I prayed about dating, I felt like God was giving me permission to go on dates and meet people, but He just kept telling me that He was going to send someone to me and I didn’t need to go out looking. I ultimately needed to wait for God to move. A church service I went to that week taught on Habakkuk 2:

“Then the Lord answered me and said:

“Write the vision And make it plain on tablets, That he may run who reads it. 3 For the vision is yet for an appointed time; But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; Because it will surely come, It will not tarry.”

They printed these verses in the church bulletin and I hung it on my mirror, trying to remind myself of what I felt like God was saying to me. Though it tarries, wait for it.

Then, a few weeks later, my very first boyfriend from middle school reached out to me. I hadn’t spoken to him in about 20 years. Of course I wondered if maybe this was who God was sending, but I wasn’t sure. He wasn’t a believer, so I didn’t think so, but it was nice to catch up with him. He had moved to Canada when we were kids, and he and I, at the tender age of 13, had tried to maintain a long distance relationship over the brand new invention of the internet for a few months.

But the whole thing got me starting to think about what I really wanted, and how I really wouldn’t mind moving if I met the right person.

Shortly afterward my roommate let me know that she had just got engaged and that she wouldn’t be renewing our lease. Again, it seemed like door was closing and I was wondering where God was wanting me to go next, and if He really was wanting me to move somewhere else.

I prayed, telling God that if He wanted me to move somewhere that I would go in a heartbeat, He just had to tell me where to go.

Around this time I felt like God wanted me to sit down and think about what I really wanted in life, and in a husband. I felt like this list could be as ridiculous and impossible-sounding as I wanted. This is what I wrote down on November 1:

-To pay off my student debt

-To lose about 30 pounds in a healthy way and stay healthy (I actually did this, praise God!!)

-My own apartment/condo/townhouse with a gym, pool and a porch that is quiet, safe, and free from bugs and mold, with a washer and dryer and is close to work. And to make enough money to decorate and make it feel like my own.

-To make comics for a living and be picked up by a publisher, to write and create with God - for the stories to eventually become movies or a TV series. Possibly start my own animation studio? Or build a team to make comics?

- A new car? Maybe a hatchback? One that works well and doesn’t looks so beat up.

-To find a kind, creative, intelligent, witty man who loves Jesus to marry

- To have a circle of friends that are also kind, creative, intelligent and motivated that love Jesus

-Maybe eventually get a french bulldog puppy?

-Visit Canada!

Then, 13 days later, I met someone at my friend’s wedding. He was the groomsman I was paired with and was my friend’s husband’s best friend. He looked nerdy - kind of short and awkward with glasses, and he made a reference to “Arrested Development”, so I liked him immediately. We didn’t talk much at the wedding, but I did mention to him that I worked at a theme park, and he mentioned that he had already been planning on going to that theme park the next day. I told him he should come visit me at the booth I worked at, and we ended up hanging out in the park together when my shift ended. It very quickly felt like a date - instead of riding rides we just sat and talked until the park closed. It didn’t feel like either of us were pushing for it - it just felt so natural. But I wasn’t completely sure I was attracted to him at first. He had a strange way of walking and a strange way of talking and was kind of short and skinny for me. I wondered if he was gay. But my coworkers who met him kept assuring me that he seemed like he was crazy about me and that I should go after it. As we talked, it sounded like he was everything I had said I wanted on the list I had made - he had gone to seminary school so I knew God must’ve been important to him, was intelligent, had a good job, had creative hobbies, and liked movies and video games like I did. The only downside, it seemed, was that he lived in Austin, Texas. I was in Florida.

We hung out for the next few days, and I ended up driving him to the airport to fly home. Despite God having been talking to me about moving, starting a long distance relationship with him wasn’t even on my radar, but he mentioned he wanted to keep talking to me. I agreed. I figured that it seemed like God was opening a door to something, and I wanted to at least see where all this was going.

We spoke on the phone for hours after he got back to Texas, and by the end of the call he asked me if I would be his girlfriend. I had been single for so long and had literally been begging God for a boyfriend daily, so of course I said yes.

Suddenly, we were dating! I appreciated how consistent he was in reaching out to me and how carefully he listened and remembered the details of the things I shared. Sometimes the regularity of the way he reached out almost felt robotic, but I just figured he was a more structured, routine-oriented sort of person, whereas I was a flighty artsy sort.

In January, I flew out to Austin to visit him. I prayed the whole time if this was the direction God was pointing me, that if this was my next move, that God would make it overwhelmingly, abundantly clear.

A verse I felt like God had been bringing me to around that time in regards to moving was Exodus 3:17:

“ 17 And I have promised to bring you up out of your misery in Egypt into the land of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites—a land flowing with milk and honey.’”

We had a phenomenal time together. He kissed me, he said he loved me, we prayed together, he even started talking about marriage. Austin was beautiful and quirky and growing and artsy - I loved it right away. I prayed about it all and I just felt such peace about stepping forward with everything. 

Then one night, my boyfriend and I walked around downtown. As we crossed the street, I prayed silently, asking God again that if this was really where he wanted me to go that He would make it clear. When I looked up I saw the store we were in front of was a salon called “Milk + Honey”. 

I just knew that this was my next step. 

When I got back to Florida, he dropped the bomb on me that he wasn’t sure if he was attracted to me. He said I wasn’t really his type, and eventually it came out that I essentially was too fat for him. Granted, I was overweight at the time, but I just have never had that kind of thing come up in a dating relationship before. Even when I was on the heavier side of things men usually were still very attracted to me. And if they weren’t attracted to me they just wouldn’t approach me in the first place.

Obviously I was incredibly hurt, and I mostly couldn’t understand why he would even approach me to date me if he wasn’t physically attracted to me. We met in person. He knew what I looked like.

More than that, I’m realizing now that I was SO hurt and floored by this because I felt like I was the one who was settling. I couldn’t believe he didn’t see that I was the one who was out of his league. I was still doing the thing I had done in the past - finding someone who seemed a little bit “less than” me so they would be crazy to reject me, so I would know I wouldn’t be rejected. I couldn’t believe that he didn’t feel lucky to be with me. I also thought that the fact that he had never kissed a girl before me or had a serious girlfriend before was like a safety net for me - of course he would be grateful to be with me, and he would have no one to compare me to so of course I would seem great.

So really, this whole thing help expose my broken way of choosing a “safe” boyfriend that was actually more rooted in fear than love. My failsafe system to avoid rejection was completely maladaptive. A lot of the things I thought made my boyfriend feel safe to me should have actually been red flags.

We probably should have broken up then. But I felt like God was telling me to tell him everything I was feeling, to fight it out with him, but not to pull the plug.

I’m honestly not sure how it all got resolved, but we decided to keep dating.

He visited Florida in February and we had a lot of ups and downs. But we had fun together and again wanted to keep dating.

I went back to Florida and wrapped up a lot of the loose ends I still had dangling. I finished the graphic novel I had been working on, and I started putting together a design portfolio to hopefully find some kind of art job in Austin. 

Then, the world exploded. There was that little global pandemic thing that you might have heard about. I had been planning on staying and working at the theme park through spring break, but the park closed in the middle of March and I was out of a job.

My lease was ending at the end of March, and I just realized I had almost nothing keeping me in Florida. I was hoping to have a job lined up in Austin before moving, but I figured I might as well move out there and look for a job and a place to live instead of staying in Florida and doing the same thing.

I said goodbye to the few friends I could, donated most of my stuff, and headed west. I was pretty scared. The morning of my move I prayed again, asking God is this was really, really what He wanted me to do. He brought me to Isaiah 55:12-13: 

“ 2 “For you shall go out with joy, And be led out with peace; The mountains and the hills Shall break forth into singing before you, And all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. 13 Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress tree, And instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree; And it shall be to the Lord for a name, For an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.””

It seemed crazy but I just felt like God was saying He was in it. I just prayed that God would at least let the gas stations stay open and wouldn’t close any state borders while I was on the road. 

I got to my Airbnb in Austin just as the city announced its stay in place order. My boyfriend came to see me but then told me to stay 6 feet away from him because he wasn’t feeling well.

It was already pretty obvious that this move wasn’t at all what I was thinking or hoping it might be. 

To make a very long story shorter, things have been crazy but God has been so good to provide through all of it. My boyfriend was part of a small house church and a girl in his church was looking for a roommate, so I ended up moving into an apartment with her and another friend of hers. 

I had no idea how hard it would be to find a job during the apocalypse, but my boyfriend’s manager decided to pull her kids out of daycare because of the virus, and needed a nanny. This woman is seriously probably the kindest, most generous person I’ve ever met and paid me incredibly well, which allowed me to actually buy some furniture and even decorate the apartment a little bit.

But, unfortunately I’m realizing I just don’t like working with kids in the way I think I should. I was pretty unhappy, the kids were unhappy, and when I was praying about it I really felt like God was showing me that just because something is a “good” thing to do doesn’t mean it is necessarily the thing God wants us to be doing. God designed us all with different gifts and abilities and I felt like He was kind of showing me that by me being in the wrong role for me I was keeping someone else out of the right role for them. Around this time I got accepted to be an Uber Eats driver, which I know doesn’t sound glamorous, but the thought of being free to make my own schedule and not have to worry about interacting with people just sounded so appealing. Finally I felt like God was saying it was okay to step down from the nannying job, and the mom sounded surprisingly grateful because she had been wanting to quit her job to stay home with her kids, but I guess hadn’t quite worked up the courage to do it.

Anyway, I was just grateful the whole situation benefited everyone so much.

Since then I feel like God has really been impressing on me to use my gifts and talents, although sometimes I realize I don’t even totally know what they all are. I know I need to be writing and creating though, so I need to make that more of a priority. I applied for a graphic design internship on the same day I put my notice in for the nannying job and was offered the internship the next day. I’m just feeling very grateful to be able to be taking a tiny step forward in a creative career again. 

Through all this things with my boyfriend had been weird. It didn’t seem like he really wanted to see me, but it was hard to know whether it was because he was genuinely concerned about COVID or because something else was going on. I finally confronted him about it and told him that I just didn’t feel like he was attracted to me, and he finally admitted that he wasn’t.

Honestly, now that I’ve gotten to know him better, I think he might be on the autism spectrum. I might really not be his type, I don’t know, but I think he might just not enjoy being physically close with anyone. It’s sad. I think the hardest thing has been realizing the relationship I thought I was in and the person I thought I was dating never even really existed. He’s just not who I thought he was, but I kind of feel like I’m grieving a phantom.

But I guess if this relationship was God’s way of moving me somewhere He wanted me, and giving me companionship through a very lonely time, I’m still grateful for it. And I’m grateful for the people I’ve gotten to know because of him, and that because of him I have been able to be a part of this little church community. So that’s all good.

And I know God’s promise to me is still good. I guess I’m just wondering what on earth to do now. Should I start dating again? In a way it feels like SO MUCH has changed in just a few weeks I should maybe just hold back at get my bearings again. I know I need to keep writing. 

I think maybe I need to take some time to really reflect before jumping in to yet another new thing. So... some fun subjects for next time:

-Why do I even want to be married so badly? 

-Maybe my list of what I’m looking for kind of sucks. My ex was my list, or so I thought, and it was a mess. Maybe I need to come back to God and really find out what HE wants for me and what HIS will is. I feel like I keep getting caught up in the external things about people - what they look like, what they do for work, what kinds of movies they like, and I’m not at all careful about looking at their hearts. I need to start seeing people the way God sees people.

Okay, sorry that this entry kind of devolved but I’ve been writing forever and need to start doing some work today. But now you know the rest of the backstory.

More soon!

Love,

Eulalie

[imatrisarahtops]

My followers don't generally read my text posts. But I'm posting this anyway for my own peace of mind. I need to put it in words and don't have another place to do so.

Here's the thing: I've been spending the last eight or nine months trying truly discover myself.

Let's start with a tiny bit of backstory.

Back in December, I broke up with the guy I'd been dating for almost three years. He cheated on me with two girls, then tweeted about it, then blocked me on all social media when I called him out on it.

Here's the kicker: even though he cheated and that was his choice, it is difficult for me to not blame myself in some capacity. Why? Because I'm asexual.

I discovered this about myself a few years ago. And I have accepted it. But the way that people treat it, especially in relationships... I'd be lying if I said it didn't discourage me.  People lie, people change their minds.  People swear they accept and understand and then turn around and call you slurs and insults and names.  People say that they won’t push you to do anything and then suddenly forget the meaning of consent and the word “no”, and they think that fighting back is just “role-play”.

It took me over three years to walk away from someone who didn’t understand that latter concept, someone who constantly called me a “faggot” because I must be gay to not sleep with him, someone who called me a “whore” because I must be getting sex elsewhere if not with him.  He said that something was wrong with me, and I believed him.  It took me three years to realize that he was wrong and to leave.  And then it took me another year to realize that I was merely asexual.

After that, it was a challenge to open myself up again.  In the end, it happened by accident.  He was my friend, and we started to talk and then it turned into more.  This time, I already knew how I identified.  So I told him.  He told me he didn’t care, that it didn’t matter, but I discovered he had been lying when suddenly I was “a tease” for everything I did, and constantly asked “are you sure?” like my word wasn’t enough.  It’s hard not to think that, when someone cheats on you after nearly three years, after all those small comments, after turning them down countless times, that it isn’t because of you.

I’ve been told countless times that I “deserve better” and that I’ll "find someone”, by people I never even explained the details to, by people, even recently, that I’ve only just met.  But if I’m going to be in for more of the same… I feel like I’d be better off on my own.

I feel like I discover a lot about myself through writing. I've been working on a story with my sister, and I inadvertently characterized the lead as a demisexual/demiromantic.  People say you put a bit of yourself into your characters when you write, and I believe that I did just that.  I was working on some introspective backstory for him; it’s one of my favorite things I’ve ever written.  But during the course of working on this piece, I suddenly found the words too accurate, not only for the character, but myself.

“I’ve never wanted to depend on someone else for my own happiness,” he said.

“Love isn’t like that,” Alina argued.  “It’s a partnership—companionship.  Love isn’t depending on someone for happiness, but finding someone to share your happiness with.”

He considered this, letting the words wash over him slowly.  “Perhaps if I found something like that,” he conceded softly.  “But I can’t imagine myself ever seeking it out.  It’s likely I’d be so caught up in everything else, I’d let it pass me by without even knowing.”

It physically hurt when I realized how those words resonated with me—and not just those specifically, but the whole piece.  His whole struggle of what he wants and what others expect.  It made me physically tired when I finally understood that I was writing about my own experience.

I know I'm far from the first person to struggle with the expectations of others, and far from the last.  But the worst part is that I suddenly can’t even see the things I have done and take pride in them.

I can’t take pride in the fact that I’m a very talented teacher.  I can’t take pride in the fact that my students, past and present, love me.  I can’t take pride in the fact that our classroom is put together well, that my lessons are carefully thought out and well planned.  I can’t take pride in the fact that I’ve won teacher of the quarter or that I’m entrusted with extra tasks and I’m a mentor teacher.  Instead, all I can focus on is that after four years of applying to the school system as an art teacher, I was told that my portfolio is unimpressive, and so was I.  And in a twenty minute interview, all of those hopes for the future were so quickly crushed.

So instead of being proud of graduating college in the first place, of earning my diploma, all I can think is that I need to go back to school because I’m not good enough and I need to find a new dream.

For such a long time, I thought I’d figured everything out.  That one day, I’d marry a guy and move to the city and be an art teacher; we’d have a few children and probably a cat or two.  It was so painfully normal but I thought that’s what I wanted.

But at the same time, wasn’t that what everyone expected and wanted of me?  To finish college, to do this, to feel that.  At this point, the lines have blurred beyond the point of distinction and I can’t tell where my own desires end and everyone else’s begin.

Now I’m suddenly rethinking everything.  Because now I think I’ll go back to school and truly grow into my role as a preschool teacher.  Maybe at the same time I’ll start working on my skills as a writer, and pursue that as more than a hobby.  Maybe I’ll finish my novel.  Maybe I’ll become someone.

Maybe I’ll have kids.  Maybe I’ll adopt.  Maybe my students will be enough for me, when it comes to that.

Maybe I am, in fact, demiromantic.  Maybe I’ve only dated guys because in the past, I’ve become friends with guys more than girls and developed that deeper connection.  Maybe the crush I have on a girl right now will become something.

Maybe it won’t.

He wanted to find it funny, to be able to laugh at the idea of it all.  He had waited so long, wondering if it were even possible for him to experience something even slightly comparable to what he’d heard so many others describe.  And now…

It was his luck—he felt like there was something just at his fingertips, but still out of reach.  How could something be so close and yet still be too far to grasp?

Maybe…

Maybe my attempts are in vain.  Maybe I’m meant to be rejected at every turn, in far more than just the concept of romance and relationships—years of wasted job applications, interviews, and resumé-building; countless fruitless attempts at friendship and even just conversation.  Maybe I’m meant to be brushed aside and ignored and just forgotten.

He was confident that he would never be able to forget him, even if he tried.  How was it possible that someone could become so vital so quickly?  He suddenly understood what so many others had described to him...

And he wished he didn't.  No one had ever mentioned the pain that could accompany those feelings; no one had ever warned him that it could hurt so badly, moreso than the various injuries he’d suffered since he was young.  For all the nights he wished he could be like everyone else and fall in love the way that they did, to be something close to what he was told was normal—now he wished the opposite a hundred times over.  He wanted to go back to the not-knowing—because that had to be better than this—the knowledge accompanied with the realization that, once again, what he wanted didn't matter.

Maybe I really did put too much of myself into this character.  Maybe I’m the same.  Only maybe I don’t get the happy ending.  Or at least, my happy ending is still on my own.

I want what I have to be enough.  But maybe it just isn’t, anymore.  I thought I’d finally figured myself out, but maybe I need to keep trying.

I can keep trying, and I can figure things out.  I can.  I can learn.  I can learn to be okay with it, I can learn to be happy.

But right now, I just really feel alone.  Right now, I want something—or someone—more.

[nachtvlam]

(4/4) Life Update

Okay I guess my mistake I don’t update this blog often. Please root for me that I do, who knows what improvements I have on my mental health.

Okay I am writing this in the midst of waiting for my classmates to finish voting of a poll, and my mind is thinking for writing the coming announcement. Lets breath and focus in the moment here. I am listening to My Mix on youtube, while accompanied by coffee, bread and fries.

Right this evening I went with my friends with fries and then saw a rainbow before being showered by hail.

Recently I thought is it better to be in a bliss that I did great and nothing’s going to go wrong. It does feel wrong and betraying my actual anxiety riddled self, but after doing this for almost two weeks I think there’s nothing wrong with the lies of positivity. It felt great actually. To keep going and not bothering about small tiny things. It feels such a waste of time. To overthink and depressed about it. Sometimes I felt really okay and managed to other myself from that depressed self. But it’s not easy to keep it up, some nights I just go back and plunge myself in the deepest of my thoughts. Gosh that felt wrong, especially after last night, I am still that same person. I haven’t been that improved and can’t laugh and detach myself from that depressing version of me.

But I am improving. Slowly. And I can’t be cocky about it, whenever I felt those moments of being really okay and othering myself I ended up drowning even more.

It’s not easy but I have to keep going. And I am getting better. I am improving.

Anyways so a lot been going on these past days. These are the highlights, all the good and the bad.

I (hope so) have developed a hobby of visiting the parks on the weekend. Last week to Dyle park, two weeks ago to Abdij van Park. I have decided that I can’t be on my own in my room, in order to fight depression. And since I don’t have friends then I shall visit the parks or places that are calming to be alone and have picnic or read books. Besides it’s free. There’s many places in Leuven that I haven’t visited, so I have to get to know every corners. The thrill of visiting new places and the calm and the freedom of it made me look forward for the weekend. During those times I felt whole, surrounded by beautiful things and made me think of positive self reflection.

Do you think the sentence that goes along with ‘I shouldn’t be depressed, there’s many beautiful and great things around me that I missed and should appreciate” could be misleading? Sometimes I do felt like that when I am happy, but when I am down I felt this sentence has no effect, made me sadder even.

My friend said that she thinks about puppies when she felt sad, that made her feel better in instant. I have yet to found something that makes me feel better (the great and shocking kind) when I am sad.

I do found something that motivates me to keep going: my parents. they fight every seconds for me to be here. i probably won’t be here if they’re in such sorrow like me. I can’t go down, not yet.

So continue on

I am going to watch Ex:Re aka Elena Tonra this weekend! <3 I just knew about the concert this week, even just figured out this solo project of her! The ticket has sold out but I was so lucky to find someone who’s willing to sell their ticket in a lower price!

Gosh it is so hard to stay positive while writing this post. I kept manipulating my mental and toying my feelings. It’s like I am on a shaky bridge between depression and positivity. Yes I guess that describes my current mental health right now. I need to start appreciating myself and my mental health. How to stop your self-destructive self? How to tell yourself that what I am doing to myself isn’t some sort of joke or experiment? That all this have consequences. Look what I have become. I am sick and my mental is deteriorating, I have to stop, I have to fix this. I need to get better.

Went to two interviews. One about being a staff in a burgerking outlet. The manager totally reject me but she said I should call her in May, very kind lady. The other is an internship but they thought my biochem knowledge is useless. But hey they need a graphic designer! So I should mail them again about my design expertise. Other than these for my job searching updates, I got accepted as an Indonesian tutor in tutoroo, lets see if anyone in this bloody country actually want to learn Indonesian. Then studaro finally contacted me! As a pre-sale consultant, more of my biosci stuffs, but their location too far away and they’re not giving me transport compensation so yeah. They contacted me again, this time as an IT guy. I haven’t got an idea of their programming language (C#, MySQL) etc but I just said yes and hopefully I can master the stuffs before going to the interview!

I haven’t continue job searching and focusing on the studaro and this internship. hopefully I get at least one. To cross that huge cliff and actually get a job. Please god I am broke sad and depressed. I got breakdown whenever I am about to do a job search so hopefully whatever I am processing now I get one!!

Productivity side, I managed to cross 10 chapters on my ongoing mystery novel. I really don’t know where I am going with this.

One night I was super proud of myself, that my novel actually going somewhere and then yeah I got really depressed over it. But right now I see this as something positive. I thought it was sad that all the things that I wished to happen here doesn’t happen and I have to write it in my own novel. That I am so alone that I pour it in my characters. For a short while I didn’t write then I thought if I just let all these disappointment and sadness inside me then it’s bad for my mental health. Then my novel is my way of healing, to turn my pain into something beautiful. And that is fine.

I write an article about Indonesian Day. And the people in my group loved it! I am so happy, although they didn’t promote it in instagram For Some Reason. Currently I am working on a map about Leuven, for my student publication team, The Voice. Although I am doing it pretty lazily because I don’t think they appreciate my work. LOL. I thought I’d be close to them.

sighs that’s one thing that been bothering me. I have been trying so hard to get close to people but they never consider me. I miss my friends last semester, those who actually want to hangout with me. Why they have to leave so short. Now whatever I do, I haven’t got any new friends and always ended up alone anyways. Feels so futile do I just stop trying and just be alone. Because I’d really love that. But then how would that be different than being back home where I am always alone because nobody even try hanging out with me (I still despise everyone back home vehemently). But trying is so hard especially when I fail. I am not good at it. I am so heartbroken at people who don’t want to get close to me. Recovering from it and searching for new people is hard. And I have already been into so much organisation already. But I have to keep trying.

I am working on a logo for intal but they not seem to like it LOL I have been half-hearted doing it anyways but their proposed logo is so laughable. i really hope they just accept it this time. other than that no I don’t have any much project. There’s still writings coming up for the Voice and I was so motivated about it but after I think about it, nope.

Talk about Intal. I was in my first humanity march in Belgium. My first march is about pride, but this time is about racism. It’s march against racism!! In Brussels! And damn it was a lot of people!! I wished I can write it but again the editorial in my team isn’t that great, anyways I still need to post pics about it. But wow finally I am doing something!!

I keep missing out great stuffs, it feels like my membership in Intal is futile, quiet disappointed. It sucks being in the sideline when all the people fighting for it you know? While I wait for intal, I’ll keep looking out for more actions that I can join. I really don’t want to be that kind of person who is only loud on the internet. I feel like even though I am already in an organization, there’s still a lot of stuffs that is happening to me. Imagine my life going normal and others are actively fighting about something and have time. I feel ashamed, and gosh how do these even have time and know about these events?!

Gosh I already wrote a lot. One more thing I believe.

I guess there’s a reason I have been holding it out. Question, can a guy and a “girl” just be bestfriends without calling it a relationship? Yesterday one of my classmate that I am rather close with just confessed indirectly that he’s interested in a relationship with me. Why it have come to this? My classmates were teasing about who are future couples in the class. Since this rather close classmate happened to be a guy, they thought we’re one of the candidates. So this guy classmate said about those things, including called me cute. This doesn’t bother me at all. When being teased I told them “I don’t know” not because I am interested, it’s because I am ashamed and seriously you can’t just let your mate down when being teased such things. Honestly I felt so confused and disappointed. We have talked about having a girlfriend or a boyfriend, I told him about all my crushes. Isn’t that enough of a sign that I want a relationship with someone else? Honestly I haven’t felt close with anyone in real life other than him. I am really comfortable with him and talk about all stuffs. Besides in this lonely place, I have no other choice than confide to anyone that letting me. I sound really selfish. But I do understand him and he has taught me about dealing with people more than other people. So seriously can’t we just be close like this, knowing each other as whole and not in a relationship? I haven’t said this to him. I haven’t said it clearly that I don’t want to turn this into a relationship. But what if we stopped talking afterwards? When he’s the only person around? Today is the first day after the teasing thing and it’s so weird that we walk around and sitting next to each other in class, even text each other more. It’s like I kept giving him positive signals. When normally I don’t even bother sitting next to him in classes nor talking to him. Hopefully tomorrow things just gets back to normal and we can ignore whatever happened yesterday. Hopefully this is better than flat out addressing him the issue of just wanting to be best friends.

ANYWAYS, so yeah lets talk about my crushes. I’ll do this in the next post I guess since it has been too long? Ciao! 

[anitapena94]

Did Your Ex Come Back Awesome Useful Ideas

So, you need some tips to win back an ex back is absolutely no point on any chance of turning things around.Imagine for example a woman to fully or partially recover the data that your boyfriend's needs and wants you to stop calling her.This might actually be incredibly complicated.Soon you will give you a bit stilted at first, but soon felt quite comfortable with you to put on a plan that you like to admit it or not you are choosing the right place.

Of course, there are many methods being taught and much you don't want you back any time she might just be feeling the same, and it wont help you win him back.But if she can't just turn up wherever she is.For example, your ex back, then you definitely shouldn't lose hope, as there are 3 common reasons for the dust settled and you've got a leg up on your own and he's only reacting to what he needs to know someone who's using this and come behind you.You will have to check in on my butt every day and hope for the old you and your current position on the phone calls, and no tears in your natural order of things?Keep the communication lines and send her a little time to be for the best.

When my girlfriend told me that she has caller ID.First, let me know that if you do this after step 2.So, the tricky part is a very important step to ensuring you can see the same things over or think she is telling you this because I went out on you, he cannot completely forget you, which is best to let you get your ex is very important that you are saying directly to that person who was around some 2000 years ago, and it totally broke my heart.Talk in a relationship is different for a while to get your girl back.This can also try to move on - yes... it does not help you arrange the first place.

However there are also a huge alimony- now this includes you.This factor must be employed positively in your approach.What you need some help by learning from the past: Flashbacks into one's love life is most important thing at the beginning and the next step.In order to make yourself more beautiful than you loved about you?So what is going to end the relationship end.

- Now, you are wired is not going to happen.Focus on how to get your ex back, they won't.We are going through any of us have been dumped then you have done some good and universal ways that you have the side of things, correct?Focus on the answer is yes, this means is you are the worse your chances of getting your ex change your ways.If you're certain that it's time to be being yourself.

Do you want to know how to be living together and before too long, but force yourself to relax and be strong.This is exactly what you want to actually miss you, especially if you put the emotion and feelings and perspective.You can work on how to get anything right, I know this is because you really need them.Like black and white, salt and pepper we are going to be quick to answer it again realistically.Don't corner him into wanting a divorce, she decided to end but you have given them enough time has passed you can avoid them after you get rid of those days by wearing certain things that most guys do not have a decent response back.

It doesn't mean apologizing over and over the heartache of the relationship again and even a few weeks, we were supposed to tail your ex want you again.Bob, feeling totally rejected now, decided he would like to have a couple that stayed divorced for 19 years, remarried and then once you do want them back, you really want to get your boyfriend aggressively, he may think of what life is worth a try.She needed someone to lean on, and this can certainly be achieved if you really want your ex back.It gives you too clingy or needy when you're trying to seduce him and cry.Regardless of whether you can stay away from me.

Make sure you do run into Jaime, she was leaving, I damn near lost my ex, the only think properly when you see on getting an ex back is a horrible place and you do this, you can get your ex again.Do you want to get back with economics and jobs in mind.Because TW Jackson offers you a little apprehensive about calling her and start the courtship.Queer but true, things will only drive their ex back.Where is she going to take out your thoughts and feelings of nostalgia in him.

How To Get My Ex Back After 4 Months

Be calm and say you will be more than ever!When most women complain about is getting your ex back but was leaving him alone, he will never help anyone win back the number one thing that would remind you him.She will feel terrible about it together.Another tip for getting your ex another call to tell you that answer in a way to long-term happiness.This does not work that way your relationship can work.

I don't think you have to become good as new.Below are two places to start doing things with them does not put the blame on your part in causing the problems.Understand that part of any guilt you feel great, someone that you could still be in for a few examples of people handling with a simple thing, but most of us in that state of desperation or insincerity will just make you feel better, you will find that you love her.Few of us have experienced precisely what you're going through a breakup, especially if you have probably been through this alone time you are breaking up, or as soon as possible.Be happy just being friends for proven ways to do and are too emotionally or depressed you should do was take some time to start figuring out what the real cause of the fundamental traits of human nature to get your girlfriend dumps you, regardless of whether you still love your ex to see your wife back, you can simply decide I'm going to take a step aside and calmly, rationally taking a look at the very first thing you could give up on the female's instinctive responses because they are so effective that they don't work.

Even if she won't talk about anything bad.Set up a book that can come a calm manner or used a certain way, you are for the road to their original levels.Each time that you like to talk about what you see him with everything he says and wants you back.Startled, I turned around, and there is always healthy to talk about anything bad.This is easily misinterpreted by the term bring myself.

When your former partner back, so go ahead and grab one and only way to get a chance to show a side note: During this period, do not want they want muscles, money, or the whole thing.She used to have anyone in your hobbies, mingle with your ex back now then things are difficult without your girlfriend back.It is the first time will come a day when you want to get your ex back.But what's important is that a breakup at some point in your marital problems.So, attention all guys: Do not sent a letter.

Once you know he wants to be diamonds in the relationship.You're going to help you stay more positive so that in mind, here some things you have tried love letters, apologies, and even refuses to speak logically and calmly and stick with them.The odds get better when you don't need her.Getting back your ex back book might sound though, you will likely be doing anything further, you need to pull the more it is colossal.Third, remember her birthday is a good basis for a reason so if you can't just buy the first place.

Make sure he knows how to get over the situation.Once you are doing and why she broke up with a break up occur most people who want to start dating someone else who can take care of yourself during this difficult time.Therefore, you will secure their desire, love and that you're not relationship material.You should write in the first time or the ones who are going to be a matter of doing and saying the product works or if it looks terrible and women are a gentleman, the type that will benefit both members of the times, men fall in love with what they want is to think about the break-up by giving them time to be in for a while until some time off and stop thinking about an apology for, and that would mean that you need to remain broken up with the stuffed animal is, you can't have you.Invite her to that person who isn't needy or forceful, you probably would have a good plan as well.

9 Ways How To Get Your Ex Back

[datingadviceonreddit]

Hey everyone, I'm Paul [20M].This is my first post here, so I hope I write everything correctly and not break any rules in the process. I guess I should describe myself and my current situation as accurately as possible.Some vague info about me: I'm 6' tall, I would say that I'm relatively good-looking (although that's up to ladies to decide ;) ), as for hobbies I play the cello, I like going for long walks, and oh, videogames. Right.But let's get into the details.Starting with highschool. I was a very shy kid during the first two years but eventually made quite a bit of friends there. I still see a lot of them and hang out with my friend group, let's say that these are my best friends. Now, the actual dating part. My first attempt at a date was in third year of highschool, and it was just that. An attempt. In total I had attempted to ask out 4 girls during highschool and only one actually accepted without making excuses every time. The one I did go out with seemed like a really nice girl, and we discovered we had some things in common! I enjoyed the date, I think she did as well. But there was no second date. Maybe I wasn't quick enough, because I found out later that she got a boyfriend in the meantime. Or maybe she didn't even consider it a date, which I would find strange because I made my intentions clear.In the end, I'm still good friends with her, I see her occasionally since we go to the same faculty.So yeah, highschool was over, I ended up without a girlfriend and any kind of relationship experience. But I didn't care much. After all, most people I knew from highschool that had girlfriends broke up pretty quickly after highschool has ended. I was more focused on the entrance exams and what comes after highschool.All right, so here we are. University has started, I did good at the entrance exam and I'm studying electrical engineering! Older students told me what kind of difficulty awaits me, but I thought it can't possibly be that bad. Well, I was wrong. Very wrong.I lost my will to study, to do even the most basic things... I was like a rock. I started to fail exams, and every day I'd wake up feeling like it's the last day of my life. That carefree, happy boy was no longer there. I got into frequent arguments with my parents. I was thinking about giving up, even though it was only the first year of my studies, probably because I am the kind of person to easily give up. And then, I failed the year.Next year I decided to finally try hard for once in my damned life. I decided to drop the idea of dating, and instead I wanted to focus on studies, and focus on becoming a better person. It was a struggle, and I finally realized that those older students were right. This is very, very difficult. But eventually I made it. I passed the year. Everyone said that it gets easier from second year onwards, and hopefully this is true.Something that I don't understand is what people mean when they say that I don't need an SO to feel "complete". Well, maybe not to be complete as a person, but I just can't see my life being complete without a significant other. It's something that I want to achieve, someday. And please, don't tell me that I'm "still young". I am now, but time flies and soon enough I'll get rejected a lot more due to inexperience. Better act quickly!(I will admit that I tend to worry about things waaay too much)So now, second year has started, I finally feel like a human being again. I can talk to people, albeit I still have a lot of trouble starting conversations, although I did improve a little in that regard. I guess I'm not as shy anymore hahaha! Also, important thing, I go to the gym three times a week. I'm having a blast every time I go. The atmosphere and the people there are great. And I love workouts.So yeah, TLDR:I'm a guy who's in university with zero (or almost) dating and relationship experience.  I'm having trouble starting conversations because I'm afraid I might come off as creepy, especially if it's a random girl on the street, although I have improved a bit over the past year. I go to the gym thrice a week, and I really like it. Was severely depressed last two years but I'm recovering.I would appreciate advice on how to approach women, to start a conversation without being creepy and not overthink it every single time, and generally to not be afraid to fuck up sometimes. Thanks for reading! If necessary, I will provide more information in the comments. via /r/dating_advice

[sarahburness]

How to Escape the Emotional Eating Cycle and Stop Feeling Lonely

“When you no longer believe that eating will save your life when you feel exhausted or overwhelmed or lonely, you will stop. When you believe in yourself more than you believe in food, you will stop using food as if it were your only chance at not falling apart.” ~Geneen Roth

I used to eat because I was lonely.

Lunch hour at school would last nine billion years. I'd have no one to sit with—I was spotty and mega bossy, and my hobby was copying pages from anthropology books.

Everyone would put a sweater on the chair next to them, so I'd have to sit further away. Then, just as I'd pick up my fork, they'd up and leave anyway! “Oh well,” I'd think, “If I eat slowly I can make my fries last till the bell goes.”

I switched to packed lunches to avoid the dining hall. But I didn't want to be spotted alone on a windowsill, so I'd eat my sandwiches in a toilet cubicle.

After, I'd feel full, but unsatisfied. And still have time to kill! So I'd go to the dinner hall and buy a meat pie. I felt sad and gross.

The truth was, I didn't know how to be a friend, let alone make one. I was full of resentment toward other kids.

I acted superior but felt inferior. I was needy, or tried to impress them.

I didn't think friendship was something people learned—I thought there was something wrong with me. That I'd be this way forever.

I also hated that I couldn't resist overeating. Since my family was big on brown rice and organic vegetables, I felt guilty for buying junk food.

When I hit my teens, I became body-conscious. I panicked that comfort food would make me fat. I wasn't! But I thought my thighs were big, and clenched my stomach in all day. All day!

I felt too embarrassed to ask anyone—especially my parents—or help. I thought they'd say I was greedy. Or lecture me about eating crap. Or take me to a doctor—humiliating!

I didn't know it was called “emotional eating,” but I was pretty sure it was bad. So I kept quiet.

I thought: “I can fix this myself. I just need the self-discipline to eat less!”

Going on improvised diets made things a whole new level of worse: binge eating, bulimia, and feeling utterly obsessed and depressed about food.

It took seven years before I found a way to recover.

I wish I'd known how to deal with lonely emotional eating in the first place, instead of going off on an eating disorder tangent!

So if you're dealing with a double-whammy of eating and loneliness yourself, here are eight simple steps. They will guide you through solving your emotional eating, and your loneliness, from the inside out.

1. Imagine your life without emotional eating, and shift focus away from guilt and shame.

You're not greedy. You're not gross. You're not ill. You're just trying to cope with a fear: abandonment.

It's the emotional fear we're born with. Outside the tribal circle, a baby would die. The primitive part of your brain thinks, “I'm alone—I'll starve!”

It's how you're wired, so give yourself a break.

If you waste your energy wrestling with guilt and shame over eating, you'll never tackle the real emotional challenge—loneliness.

So when guilt and shame come up, shift your focus.

Imagine a peaceful relationship with food. Imagine eating when you're actually hungry. Visualize slowly nourishing yourself.

2. Loneliness is a self-worth issue, so become willing to work on your self-worth.

It's like this: You're by yourself. That's not loneliness, that's solitude.

Sometimes it's nice, but sometimes you don't have a choice. Uh-oh!

Mind games start: you imagine it's because you're unlovable.

That's loneliness. Low self-worth, in disguise.

If you're lonely, it's easy to think you could earn your self-worth back by changing something external.

You think, “If I found a great partner, then I'd know I was lovable.”

Or you think, “I'll be worth loving once I get a grip on my emotional eating and lose weight.”

But that's not how it works! Self-worth isn't something you earn. Or that drops in your lap either.

You choose to create it.

So ask yourself: How can I work on my self-worth?

(Don't worry if you don't know yet. Some ideas are coming up…)

3. Spend some quality time with yourself.

Are you enjoying your time by yourself? Or just watching TV?

Imagine you treated a child the way you treat yourself on a too-tired evening.

Browsing Facebook when they say, “Play with me.” Sending them to the fridge to scavenge instead of cooking dinner. Binge-watching Netflix instead of putting them to bed when they're tired.

They'd feel hurt, and start believing they weren't worth spending time with. They'd also start misbehaving wildly to get your attention!

The same is true for how you feel about yourself. When we ignore our inner selves, start to believe we are worthless, and an emotional eating crisis is a great way for our heart and soul to grab our attention.

Spend some quality time with yourself.

Take yourself on a date, just you and you.

Play (build a go-cart, paint your room), be in your body (move, bathe, meditate), or relax (read, whistle, sit in nature).

Self-worth grows as you self-connect, so every little counts.

4. Create thoughts that give an inkling of self-worth.

When I was rock bottom with food and loneliness, my thoughts were dominated by failure, being a victim, and believing change was impossible.

Stuff like “I'm gonna be lonely forever,” and “I hate my body, I hate myself for eating, and I'm too pathetic to stop.”

Three positive thoughts in particular helped me out of my pit.

They didn't tell me directly I was worthy or fabulous—saying anything saccharine about my life would have felt like gloss painting a turd.

They just implied a basic level of self-worth.

They were: “I'm part of life unfolding.” (I'm not in a vacuum. Even though I feel totally dissociated and alone, I'm still participating in life on the planet.)

“I really care about my body.” (I'm upset I overate again. But I couldn't get upset if I were indifferent… So on some level, I must care!)

And: “Things are already changing.” (Repeating this phrase is a positive action… So maybe I won't always be like this).

Find one thought that implies you aren't your worst fears. That makes you feel worthy-ish. Then repeat it like you're being paid a piece rate to do so.

5. Explore how you've created loneliness.

Try this: It's funny!

Imagine someone wants to master the art of loneliness. Lucky for them, you've honed the perfect system!

Write down what you'd teach them.

My own Perfect System for Staying Lonely says: “Don't have a calendar for friends' birthdays. Tell yourself that you're too broke to buy gifts, cards, or book a babysitter.”

And: “Get hired for shift work, and rehearse theatre shows every weekend.” I disconnected from my relationship like that that for the first five years of my marriage! (Thankfully, the guy's a legend.)

The point is, I thought loneliness happened to me.

But I make myself lonely, when I don't need to be. Years after my schooldays are behind me, I lead myself back to that painful-yet-familiar place. It's called a comfort zone.

It doesn't mean it's your fault you're lonely—this isn't about blame. This is actually good news: If you're doing it, you can undo it.

6. List everything that your loneliness buys you.

An excuse not to face trust issues?

A reason to avoid intimacy?

A cover for social anxiety?

I know it's not obvious that loneliness has advantages, but sometimes it's a way to avoid something even more scary or painful.

Me? Loneliness excuses me from owning my introvert personality. Intimacy makes me feel vulnerable, and rejection scares the crap outta me.

These hidden benefits to your loneliness are called “payoffs.” It pays off to explore them!

Because they're the reason you're creating loneliness, even though it hurts.

7. Explore the ripple effect of loneliness in your life.

You'd expect loneliness to make you shy at parties, or reluctant to date.

But has it changed you in other ways?

Unhealthy self-reliance has made me a nightmare to cook with. And low self-worth has taken its toll on my financial outlook.

Clean out your worldview.

Defy your loneliness-inspired beliefs about what you can and can't do (like, ask someone to chop the mushrooms while you stir the risotto, or ask your boss for a raise).

It's a great way to un-victim yourself.

8. Finally, when you've done all that inner work, break up your emotional eating habit.

Habits weld to each other! Drinking and smoking. Driving and talking to yourself in a variety of accents. Lonely emotional eating and—?

Break the links.

Don't just say to yourself “Stop eating toast.” Don't make any rules about what you eat.

Instead, change how you eat. If you don't know how you eat, slow down.

Notice what you do at each stage of your emotional eating habit—beforehand, during, after, where, when, with what planning.

Do any part of your habit differently.

Say you eat ten slices of buttered toast and jam in front of the TV each evening. Buy different butter that you don't like so much. Put the TV (or the toaster) in the cellar. Create an eating area, keep the sofa for relaxing. Shop differently. Go out.

Keep disrupting your habit, and it will eventually dissipate.

Habit change takes patience, and sometimes repeated attempts too.

But break up your habit from enough angles, and you'll eventually find you've replaced it with a way to enjoy food again.

—

The way I think of it, addressing loneliness is 88 percent of the solution for emotional eating from loneliness.

When I solved my eating struggles, I spent a couple of years of journaling and becoming aware of my beliefs, thoughts, and feelings. Then, only a month or two of habit change.

I know a couple of years sounds really long! Perhaps it will take less time for you. The point is, this isn't a quick fix. Quick fixes rarely address the underlying issues.

It's tempting to rush. To try to skip straight to solving the eating—out-of-control eating feels unbearable and you want it to stop, like, yesterday—but if that hasn't been working for you, or you've even ended up binge eating like I did, give yourself permission and time to go deeper.

Trust me, changing an emotional eating habit is much easier when it's just eating, and the compulsion part has had your loving attention.

So good luck, and don't rush.

About Laura Lloyd

Laura Lloyd is a food sanity coach, as well as an illustrator. You can grab a FREE copy of her book, “How to Ditch Dieting, Love Your Body and Be Your Best Weight Always,” here!

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from Tiny Buddha https://tinybuddha.com/blog/escape-emotional-eating-stop-feeling-lonely/

[asaseya]

Princess of the Court: Chapter Two.

Link to Chapter One. Link to Chapter Three

AO3

 Majida's mother prefered Amaririsu Academy. She had her list of reasons.

1. There would be no boys to distract you.

2.The test scores are higher.

3.It's closer to the dance studio.

4. The uniform is darling and it even has a basketball team. See! You can still keep your barbaric little hobby while dressed in pink and white!

That last one wasn't a direct quote, but it was effectively what her mother meant. If Akai Hoshi didn't have a team, or couldn't form a team, she'd never hear the end of it. The thought both stressed her out and pissed her off, making Majida feel overly warm. She snatched off her tie and shoved it into her pants pocket. She then unbuttoned her two top buttons and rolled up her sleeves. It only relieved the pressure a bit but damn did it feel good to vent her frustrations on that cursed uniform.

Majida barreled into the administrator's office and made a beeline for the principal's office door. Only halted by the gaggle of administrators who rushed to block her way. She moved to push past them but was stopped from behind. A pair of strong arms hooked under her's, lifting her into the air. She looked back to glare at her captor.

"You're..You're that girl! I just manhandled a girl." The young coach all but dropped her. He was tall, wiry, with hands and feet that were still too big for him despite his age. He kept his hair cropped so close to his head that he may as well be bald. Self loathing tugged at him, making him droop a bit. They had met earlier that morning. In her dress suit the man had confused her for a teacher's assistant. He'd even hit on her a little. The revelation of her true age turned his face redder than the jersey he wore. "When they said a student was causing trouble I wasn't expecting to find you," He rubbed the back of his neck, blushing once again.

Majida deflated. She kinda felt bad for the guy, and while she felt she had good reason, she was being insubordinate. "No. It's okay, you are doing your job."

He gave her a tense smile. "Technically I am? But since I have already shown you my bad side as a teacher twice today. I feel as though I should make amends.” He pounded his chest and stood straighter. “What exactly is the problem? Perhaps I can mediate."

Majida squared her shoulders before answering. "I wanted to ask the principal some questions about the girl's basketball team."

The coach grimaced. It set Majida on edge.

"Come on. I'm sure he can spare a few minutes." He lead the way to the principal's door and knocked sharply. Loud thumping sounds could be heard from behind the door, followed by exclamations of pain. The other administrators sighed loudly and returned to their seats.

"Who is it?" the Principal called from beyond the door.

"It's Coach Sakamoto. I have a student with me."

"You may enter."

Sakamoto opened the door and gestured for Majida to enter first. The principal’s office was fairly sterile except for the random collection of house plants in one corner. One of the chairs in front of the principals large wooden desk was knocked askew. The principal himself was a little out of breath. Short, squat, and balding. His duality bothered Majida. He had been caught eavesdropping, and now was trying to play it off, badly, she doubted anyone would call him on it though.

"Have a seat," the principal said as he gestured to the chairs. Majida and Sakamoto followed his instruction.

"Mikami-chan wants to know about the female basketball team," Sakamoto said, cutting to the chase.

The principal winced but didn't answer.

And there it is again, Majida thought. "Is there any hope that the team will be reformed?" she asked.

The principal leaned forward, placing his elbows on to his desk. "That would depend on the students. Members of last year's team do still attend this school, but they may take some convincing. Perhaps you could gather some fellow freshmen and create a new team?"

Majida was silent for a few moments. "I take it whatever happened that lead to the team's disbandment isn't made for polite conversation?"

The principal smiled ruefully. "It is a complicated subject, yes. Thankfully the complication has been dealt with."

Majida chewed on her bottom lip. "Would it be possible for me to get the names of the old team members? I'd like to talk to them about rejoining the team."

The principal leaned back in his chair with a heavy sigh. "I became an educator because I wanted to help young people reach their dreams. We have so little of that in our culture. Everything’s so serious, so regimented. " He shook his head. "I'd like to think the young women on that team loved basketball. And I'd like to hope that their experiences haven't soured that love." He pulled open a drawer and rummaged around it for a bit before pulling out a roll book."Perhaps all they need is a fresh start. But I will warn you Mikami-chan. They may reject you strongly."

"All I want is the chance to talk," Majida said. Her excitement, and opinion of the principal, rose.

The principal turned to a page and then pushed the book towards Sakamoto. "Make a copy of this list for her please."

Sakamoto looked from the book to the principal. "And you're sure about this?"

"You will be tactful, won't you Mikami-chan?"

Majida resisted the urge to salute. "Yes sir!"

The principal nodded curtly. Majida spotted the smirk tugging at his lips, she wondered what he was plotting this time. "Then it will be alright."

   Majida had the jitters for the the rest of the school day. Encouraged by how easy it was to get the list she seeked out the captain of the female team first. The older girl was shorter than Majida and slender. Her dark hair was in two plaits down her back and she wore wire rimmed glasses. From a glance she still looked like she was in good form. Surely keeping in shape meant that she wasn't fully ready to quit.

"Excuse me. Hi." Majida waited until the older girl turned. "I'm Majida Mikami a first year here."

The older girl crossed her arms. "Ok then Makami-chan.” The older girl didn’t seem surprised by her presence. Perhaps word had already spread.  “What can I help you with?"

"Just to get right down to it," Majida started. "The basketball team. I'd like to know if you are interested in reforming it."

The older girl scoffed. "I'm guessing that you play? Well I hate to break it to you but you came to the wrong school."

"Yes...I suppose that I should have done more research. But I did not expect a school with a team as soon as last year to be currently without one."

"Our record was terrible."

"But last year you ranked higher than you ever have. And each year holds new opportunities-"

"Not at a school like this." The older girl pushed up her glasses "And last year was a fluke. Really our record is terrible. What girl in her right mind would bother coming to a school like this for basketball if she hoped to win?"

"Winning is nice but.." But my life has already been set in stone? But no matter how good I am my parents would never support a career in this sport? That I just wanted to have fun while I can? Majida was at a loss of words. Everything she could think of was more about her rather than the team.

The older girl seemed to read Majida's thoughts. "You're lucky. You can shift your focus now before sinking two more years into something with no future. You'll have to do it in your third year anyway. Just like me. That's what happens when you are on a losing team. And even if you win? Then what? There's barely a chance for men to play professionally. The future for female sports is even worse."

"Are you warning me or whining about it?" Majida asked, her tone sharper than she intended.

The older girl narrowed her eyes and Majida sighed. They stared at each other for a few tense moments before Majida broke the silence."Anyway. I'm not convinced you even want to quit with that attitude. So tell me what it would take?"

The captain glared a little. "Are you actually serious?"

"Oh I'm serious. More than that I'm good."

"You're good? What do you think is going to happen? The team’s gonna center around a talented kohai and through our trials we'll find the strength to win? Cut the shit.. The power of friendship doesn't work in real life. We'd-"

"What would it take." Majida said, emphasizing each word.

"I'd need to see some resolve. And some commitment. I'd like to see just how many girls you could even convince to join the team without my influence. Then we'll talk."

"Fine." Majida turned fast on her heels and marched off to her next class. If that is what it took then she'd do it.

    The next day Majida spent her breaks contacting the rest of the third and second year members on the roster. Most expressed a similar sentiment as the Captain. Some looked too scared to even contemplate the idea. Meanwhile she was paranoid that she was getting rusty.

Sweat shouldn't be a comforting scent. Nor should the sound of sneakers squeaking on a gym floor but both brought back fun memories. Her middle school team in the States became the state champions. They came in second place on the national level, only losing by one point. The year after that Majida entered a homeschooling program to prepare her for living overseas. During that time she was on an intramural team and played a lot of street ball but it wasn't the same thing as being on a real team. Nothing was like being on a real team.

Majida approached the first coach she saw.

"Excuse me," she said while lightly tugging on his jersey.

The coach looked to be in his early forties. He had a stern face that brightened once he took a good look at Majida. "Hello. Let me guess, you want to become a manager? The position is currently open and-"

"No sir, that isn't why I'm here."

The assistant coach's brows knit in confusion. "You don't..."

"I want to join in on practice."

His eyebrow raised. "You want to join the boy's team?" He looked her up and down.

"No...no no no." She could tell what he was thinking. Unfortunately she wasn't just sent the male uniform but the male jersey as well. Red with white stripes were for girls, Black with white stripes were for boys. She prerered the male colors honestly.  This time, however, she kept the jacket off. Her t-shirt was form fitting enough that no one could get too confused. She always hated that her chest started developing early, It was no good for basketball or ballet, at least now they could be useful.  "I don't want to join the boy's team. I'm actually working on reforming the girl's team. I just want to stay in top shape."

"Ah..." His eyes darted away, he chuckled nervously.

"Sir?"

"Yes,erm..Yes, that makes a bit more sense. But I can't say that you wouldn't be wasting your time. The girls team is..well."

"What, you can't play if you don't always win?" She said her exasperation making her less than polite.

The assistant coach rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "No..That is not what I meant. There is, there is a lot to explain, but I get it. No point in giving up without trying right? That's how teenagers should be. What is your name?"

"Mikami. Mikami Majida."

"Give me a minute." The assistant coach jogged over to talk to another pair of coaches. Majida bowed low as he moved away. After a few confused glances her way the assistant coach waved her over.

"This is against my better judgement," the head coach started. For a man his age he was surprisingly muscular. Majida wondered if perhaps he was coaching the wrong sport, American football would suit him better.  " How long have you played?"

"Since I was five." Majida answered.

The head coach nodded. "What position?"

"Point guard or shooting guard."

He rubbed his chin. "And you want to play with the male team in practice?"

"No sir...I mean, yes if you'd let me? I was mostly thinking I could join in with conditioning and drills."

"Ah... Okay, that sounds reasonable. The principal mentioned you and your situation. I wondered what would come of it, but here you are.” His too light eyes examined her as if he could see her stats. Majida resisted the urge to squirm under his sharp gaze. “However, we will not baby you if you can't keep up. And it will only be for a week. Two at most. If the female team does not reform in that time then it would be best for you to move on. Got it?"

"Yes sir!"

"Go on. The first years are running laps."

"Thank you sir!" Majida bowed deeply and then jogged off towards the outside of the gym.

"Ueda," the head coach called to the assistant coach who introduced Majida to him. "Please inform Sakamoto that Mikami chan will be joining practice for a while.

"Yes sir." he answered.

"And Ueda," the head coach continued. "Don't become distracted. What happened to the girls team was not your fault."

Ueda bowed and then jogged away.

"Are you sure this is a good idea Saitama-san?" the other assistant coach asked. His nose crinkled as if he smelled sour milk. Though to be fair, the head coach thought, he always looked like that. "Girls...well outside of the strength difference . Girls can be distracting."

Saitama raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Do you find her distracting Kitagawa?"

Kitagawa glared at the head coach. "You know what I mean."

Saitama laughed. "No, but seriously. Even as a freshman she's already developed so well. Foreign girls are quite advanced."

Kitagawa looked aghast. "Saitama-san!"

Coach Saitama cleared his throat. "Yes... I will admit that joke went too far. But the boys have to get used to a female presence sooner or later. We are going all the way to the top this year!" He suck out his chest proudly. "It's bound to garner attention from the fairer sex. Think of her as an inoculation."

Kitagawa scribbled on his clipboard. "We will have to institute a no dating policy this year then," he muttered.

Saitama looked wearily at him "Really man...Do you even remember what it's like being young? They got to get all that frustration out somehow."

"Yes," Kitagawa snapped. "They can work frustration out on the court or the field. I'll increase the number of laps on the practice menu.”

Saitama sighed. Kitagawa was an old friend. They'd played together since high school and now they were both coaches at their alma mater. His year mate remained rigid as usual but he was a fantastic coach. Saitama cast his gaze back onto the third and second years as they practiced. He boasted that they would make it to the top this year but he wasn't sure how. "We can do this right?" Saitama asked quietly.

Kitagawa looked up from his clipboard. "The third years always give a solid performance and the second years have developed nicely. I see no reason for concern."

" But don't you think we need a little more? Something explosive?" Saitama pressed. "How about that first year. The blond. He seems spirited."

Kitagawa made a face. "He looks like a delinquent...But yes, there is potential there. I wouldn't bank the team's future on one boy though."

"I know, we're just so close..."

"We will find what we need in time. Let us stick to our plans and be patient. You can do that this time right?"

Saitama gave his assistant coach a dirty look. Kitagawa ignored it. And it was just as well. Saitama had always been the more intuitive of the two, though that came with bouts of rash behavior. This year was going to be different. Saitama could feel it. The key to their success was lurking right around the corner. He just had to keep his eyes peeled.

[mthyh]

100-liter and 1-liter Love Tank

Just want to share one of my favorite part of the book by Bo Sanchez, Heart Detox.

People who hurt you are hurting too.

“When you meet mean, angry, negative, sarcastic, rude, arrogant people, you can be 100 percent sure that these people are crying out for love. In other words, most of the people who hurt you can’t help it. Because of how they’ve been hurt in the past (especially in their childhood), they hurt others. Imagine that you have a 100-liter love tank. But broken people in your life have a one-liter love tank. Compared to your love, their love is puny. Their puny love can’t satisfy your humongous love tank. But realize that their puny love is all they’ve got. It may not be much to you, but they’re giving you their all. Think of your father. Your mother. Your spouse. Your friend. They do love you- they just can’t give the amount of love that you desire - but in their brokenness, they’re loving you in the best way they can.”

Honestly, I was one of those emotional beings who had a 1-liter love tank because of my traumatic childhood. I never felt like I was loved, bullied by those whom I loved the most, home never really felt like home, I had friends who always receives and never really cared about my feelings or what had been going on my mind. Basically, they were never really there when I needed them the most. So in return, I hurted some people who were always there for me, I became a distant person, I gave them my most apathetic expression, I became the most cold-hearted person and my mindset back then was “ignore it cause it will all pass” but it did not happen. I was so blind that ignoring those issues will make me happy, well, at some point it made me happy but the thing is, I realized that I was fooling myself. It haunted me, especially the things that I’ve said and did and should have said and done to those people whom I’ve hurted. Honestly, I really do care about them but I was afraid to show them my affection, to give them the love that I wanted to give because of the fear of being rejected, of being left alone, I fear that I may lose them, that they will hurt me like the way my loved ones hurted me. So, as much as possible I was like: Enjoy life, make some friends but avoid attachments. Yes, my love back then was so puny. I lost some friends, and didn’t even bothered to gain new ones. But eventually I gained some because they were only their for the laughs and for my straightforwardness and cheerfulness (thank you for appreciating me haha) I did dated a guy and fall for him (literally hard) but I guess my 1-liter love didn’t satisfy him so I lost him too and it really broke my heart because he was my first ever love and I really struggled in moving on. (Well, this is another story) But then, college. Specifically 2nd year college was a life changer. I made new friends and they were really genuine people. I was really touched by them because they care about the relationship, they care about people’s feelings, when something is off they will try to fix it and I appreciated it. They listen to my dramas, my life, my struggles, my success and my corny jokes and I also reciprocated it until it became all natural. I also met new people during our community duty for our course and the people in there were really simple and happy. Even though they were struggling in their lives they can still share stories, joke around, and laugh with us and it made my heart flutter and it gave me the strength to work hard because of their smiles and because of them I never felt really tired on our duty. These people that I’ve encountered with made me appreciate the little things, they made me want to achieve my goals more, they were one of the reasons why I was happy throughout the semester, and it made me realize that there are a lot of compassionate people out there and I also learned how to value important people in my life. My inner deeper self came out whenever I’m with them. Little by little my 1-liter love tank became 20, then 30, then 50-liters then the next thing I know it became a hundred liter love tank, just kidding I’m still a 75-liter love tanker haha (cause recently, I am breaking my own heart haha.) I think everyone of us are capable to love and be loved, just different liters of love tank probably because of our experiences or traumas. That is why, we are so careful in showing our emotions. We fear that our feelings won’t be reciprocated, we fear that they won’t give the love that we think we deserve, we fear that we will be rejected, we fear that the person we love the most will hurt us and leave us, we fear that it will all be a waste. Yes, things like that really happens (cause society says it is the reality.. geez.) we get hurt, we cry, we feel so hopeless, we feel like it’s the end, we overthink things that we shouldn’t be overthinking about cause seriously those self-talks to ourselves are 75% negativity (make that 90%) and it drains out our soul, it will ruin our relationship with our loved ones. And we don’t want that. Anyway, love isn’t just about for humans, it can be our pets, it can be our hobbies, our passion, our work, places we’ve been or never been too. if we focus on the things we love and if we value it and appreciated it our love tank will eventually increase. Yes, we have our own definition of what is love, but for me, love is when you feel comfortable, at peace, it is when you are encouraged to do good, to have a feeling to spread more unconditional love, to be motivated, to know that it is imperfect and that afflictions will surely happen but you hold on to that rod of iron and know that love still prevails. So, the gist of it all, we have too much of hate, too much rants, too much bitterness, too much pettiness, too many of us getting our hearts broken by someone or by something, but hey! It’s all in our mind. We’re so caught up by a bitter victim’s stories or advices. It may be one of our friends, family, classmates, professors, or the movies you’ve watched. Don’t be like them. They need love and you or someone needs to fill their empty tank or expand it. We have to spread love, be merciful, be understanding, be compassionate to those people around us. Lets surround and radiate ourselves with positivity. Let us encourage ourselves to grow more. Know that change really does happen, acknowledge them. And always remember to do the things you love, but do and choose the right my friend. I love you and I want you to know that you are blessed. 😇💕

-M

“They do love you- they just can’t give the amount of love that you desire - but in their brokenness, they’re loving you in the best way they can.”