#and none of that fifty shades BS

[shokobuns]

ch. 3 — situationship...

ch. 2 — jumpscare! / masterlist / ch. 4 – gaydar

note: none. u guys dont understand how excited the growing taglist makes me tbh...

synopsis: writing songs about the fling that broke your heart catapults your band into fame. unfortunately, his bedroom won't be the last place you see him

ALTERNATIVELY — you and atsumu learn to get along for the sake of your best friends.

warnings: suggestive ish jokes

fishy facts!

— bokuto doesn't know exactly what a situationship is. he's never had to deal w that bs and based on what he's heard, he's thankgul.

— mika had initially hated atsumu before she got to know him, but after they got drunk at a karaoke bar together, she's been nicer towards him. she knew that one day he would bring it up.

— sakusa's favorite song by fairy fish is about atsumu... it's called mosquito bite!

— one of the times that rin and samu heard sex noises coming from tsumu's bedroom was actually you and tsumu just watching fifty shades of grey.

— komori was the first person to notice that mika had a crush on rin. he treated her out to lunch one day and he tried to ask about it slyly, but she spilled the beans immediately because it was just a celebrity crush. she also thought it was really funny until it turned out rin liked her back. then it got a lil too real.

tags. @ris-krispie @reignsaway @dailyakira @diorzs

[staysuki]

ᴘᴇɴɪs ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ™️ | lee felix fic (i'm sorry)

pairing: famous billionaire that's too good to be true, owner of a very successful company!lee felix x personal assistant!reader

genre: crack, a TINY bit of romance, satire, semi-fifty shades parody (barely)

warnings: this entire fic is one whole dick joke. don't read if you're easily put-off by childish and immature dick jokes. 18+ ??????? (there's no smut though, it's just full-on crack but centered around a penis theme).

word count: 1.5k

synopsis: you find yourself working at the very famous company named "penis heart"— your first mistake? not knowing that fact.

a/n: this is a writing practice joke inspired by a very productive conversation between BS anon and i (see #ash's pp hair tag for more context— and no, not in that way). this is also a testament on how i practice writing fics in my spare time (there's so many random drabbles like this in my secret folder).

networks: @ficscafe (i'm sorry)

"mr. lee will see you now."

your heart sped up in anxiousness as you walked through the refined double doors, a well-kept concierge gently opening the door for your entry revealing a spacious office lined with floor to ceiling glass windows. a single desk perched in front of a lavish white couch occupied by none other than president of the company, lee felix, himself.

most sought out eligible bachelor, award-winning, young and established entrepreneur, lee felix, who had successfully started his own company that had amassed billions of income.

what he does? you don't know. you've actually never heard of this man until earlier today when your friend had hooked you up a job in his company. thank god for ryujin, but also, you were soon about to realize that maybe, perhaps, you should've done your due research before coming in here so you wouldn't have to go through the embarrassment of choking on your coffee when the front desk lady greeted you with "welcome to penis heart enterprise."

nonetheless, you were here for a job interview and you were too afraid to ask what the company is about and why in the world it's called like that. and also as to why the president of the company himself asked to see you personally for an entry-level job.

you see him gesture in the seat in front of him, urging you to sit so you complied, taking in his features up close. despite knowing the fact that he's a young businessman, you didn't expect for him to look this young. probably just the same age as you. he was wearing a crisp fine suit, his blonde hair styled in a formal way, making him look somewhat mature but you can see the boyish glint in his eyes, his adorable pouty lips, and the way freckles adorned his cheeks like stars. the initial nervousness you had seemed to wash away as he offered you a kind smile.

"good day, miss y/n, pleasure to meet you!"

"uh you too," you answered by instinct but immediately corrected the casual tone, "ah, i mean—it's a pleasure to meet you too, sir, i've heard great things."

"ah please, drop the formal tone. you can call me felix!"

you nodded, adhering to his words, though you did find it quite odd that you were being treated in such a manner. as if you were meeting as friends and not as future boss and employee.

"anyways, i suppose i shall start with the interview now, if you don't mind. i like to keep things casual so don't stress about it too much. why don't we start by you asking some questions for me instead?" he said, putting down your files on the coffee table.

"oh," taken aback by the unconventional interview method, you wracked your brain for vague questions but your curiosity got ahead of you. "if you don't mind me asking.... why penis heart? and what even—"

it was his turn to be taken aback by you, perhaps not expecting an applicant to not know what they're getting themselves into, "oh, i assumed you would've known."

you shook your head so he continued.

"well, we make penises." he said with a straight face that you would've assumed was a prank if not for the fact that he seemed deadly serious.

"come again?" you couldn't fully believe it but as you think back on the earlier walk towards his office, you recall the phallic and suggestive decor littered around the place, which checks out.

"penis hearts, we call em."

"so... you make... dildos." you emphasized.

"please, miss y/n, penis hearts."

"dildos."

"penis hearts."

you eyed him dubiously, "you make sex toys."

"..." he bit his lip, a bit stupored but nonetheless, replied once more, "yes."

“but not just that, we make other penis themed items too— like stationary!” he clarified.

you nodded once again. you weren't one to judge, you weren't the one swimming in money for making cocks out of eco-friendly materials (felix specified this bit clearly).

"so why is it called penis heart?"

you can tell that he was now much more delighted to answer this particular question, fully prepared to give you background story on the lore of the company, "well, you see, when i started out this company— or business idea— it wasn't supposed to be... mature. you know? like, my first product ideas weren't sex toys. it was to market phallic objects to inspire the inner child within all of us. like how even at age 32, one would still laugh at a 69 joke or draw penises on random platforms— hence, penis heart. we all have a heart for penises. but of course, we try to be inclusive here so it's not just dicks or whatnot."

"so what was your first product?"

"dick tape."

"come again?"

"you see, it's like duct tape, but dick."

curious, you were so curious. but you didn't feel like asking any further, so you didn't. at this point, you were too afraid to ask for anything more but you continued.

"then why the sex toys?"

"well, with a name like penis heart, it was inevitable to be misunderstood as a sex company so i just went with whatever the consumers demanded. the money is in the dildos."

it has been a few months since you started working for pp heart (as everyone else liked to call it) and honestly, you surprisingly enjoy it. sure, you have bad work days but that's normal. all in all, the whole workplace environment wasn't toxic and even your fellow co-workers seemed "alive" despite working a 9-5 office job. perhaps it was one of the perks of having a young boss that has an odd way of thinking. or at least, perhaps it's that "childlike" innocence that he so adhered to that spread all throughout the building. either way, you were happy to be here.

although you were hired by felix to be his assistant (his previous one got fired because she was divulging company secrets) you weren't positioned within his office. instead you were sharing a room with the other higher ups in different cells, with your own desk moreso perched outside for felix's easier access.

you've gotten to know everyone but so far, the closest one you've gotten to know is seo changbin, the head of the board of directors. an amicable, no bullshit, kinda guy who seems to have a mindset of "here for work and work only." but despite that, you can see that he does his best on whatever is tasked, no matter the ludicrousness.

you two would even share coffee breaks together, alongside felix who insists on hanging out with his employees to boost morale. you would be lying if you say it didn't work especially since the man seemed to be a walking ball of sunshine. with the way he carries himself outside his prim office, you wouldn't think that he owns a conglomerate.

today is one of those days that felix weren't joining you and changbin in the breakroom as you shared a pleasant conversation with each other.

"so.. stocks and whatnot."

"ah yes, we are talking about business numbers and product descriptions."

"yes this is how normal people talk in office jobs."

the conversation carried from productivity to simple day-to-day banter. although you've gotten close, none of you have ever really decided to take a step further into a friendlier relationship (at least promoting "work friends" to "outside of work friends") until today, that changbin had finally decided to brave that next step.

"so... y/n.."

"yeah?" you inquired, sipping on your coffee as you munched on a chocolate muffin.

"you see, i was wondering if you had anything to do today after work.. since it's friday and all."

you pondered on it for a bit, thinking whether you have anything to do but you shook your head, not recalling anything. you can see joy spread in his face as you said so.

"that's great! cuz you see, i was wondering if— oh, you have something over here—" changbin went to reach for your face but was stopped by a hand grabbing his wrist.

you both look up to see a smiling felix, though his eyes held a bit of mischief. "sorry, i wanted to see y/n in my office for a bit." he greeted, placing changbin's hand down on the table. "is that okay? am i disturbing anything."

as you started to stand up , looking curiously at felix, wondering what he needed, your peripheral caught the view of changbin sighing in disappointment as he looked away, "you're the boss." he replied with an unusual snark but felix's smile just grew wider, urging you to follow him.

he closed the door behind the two of you as you entered his office, you hear him mutter saying something about how maybe he should get your desk positioned inside his office instead.

"what was it that you needed from me?" you asked, breaking the silence.

felix just turns, his demeanor now much more serious, intimidating almost as he stepped closely in front of you, making you corner yourself on the door behind you.

he immediately reached for your face, wiping some chocolate from the corner of your lips, licking his finger clean afterwards. the sight probably making you cream your underpants in that instant.

"nothing, i just don't like anyone touching what's mine."

[yourfriendlele]

So... someone sent me this:

 “I really hate ship wars involving a same sex ship vs a straight pairing because of the tendency  for the claims of homophobia if you dont ship the same sex pairing or say there wasnt evidence ( the term shipping goggles exist because there are people who found evidence where there was none for their ship and this applies to same sex ships which are just ships in the end they can be badly written / forced just like straight pairing can be badly written and deserve criticism they deserve equal treatment if criticizing or hate on a het pairing is allowed and doesnt make you a bigot ( hating someone based on sexuality makes  you a bigot regardless power is not required its only required in oppression)  neither does doing it to same sex pairings it doesnt matter that there arent as many   canon   . like with blacksun do you know how many times someone claimed forced het I have seen like in v3″ 

First of all… are you the person who randomily accused me of “making a joke out of real homophobia and turning it into ship wars” and said that i somehow affirmed “gay ships are above criticism” under my comic? And tagged some friends so they could reblog all that bs? And then when i called you out, you deleted the reblog (tho it still exists, people rebloged it)? Is that you?

Second of all, okay…. who said I don’t criticise same sex ships the same way i criticise het ships? No seriously, where did you get that from? Did you just say that out of nowhere hoping people would buy it?

Third of all, ok some people told you bs is forced and…? Listen, i don’t think bs is the devil, it’s cute enough, not my thing, but yeah, i get why people ship it. I also think it’s not that good or the “meant to be/ correct ship” in coparisson to bb… bb has problems with pacing, and de dialogue is definetely not the best, but blacksun does have some moments that are in fact kinda forced, like treating sun following blake in v4 as something cute, when in reality thats creepy as fuck, even when the guy has good intentions. Does everybody need to pretend that was well written? I thought it was bad writing in twilight, and i thought it was bad writing in fifty shades of grey, so yeah, it’s just as bad in rwby dude, sorry. Again, not terrible and unforgivable and im not gonna pretend im better than everyone that like Blacksun bc of that, but yes, i’ll call it forced.

And listen, if you’re telling me Yang asking blake to dance is “shipping goggles” bc “clearly that wasn’t meant to be read as romantic” (even though, yeah, asking someone to dance with you can be considered a romantic gesture irl), but Sun stalking blake in v4 is “absolutely a romantic moment bc he’s a good guy” (which he is, i understand the writers didn’t mean to make him abusive, but still, following someone like that isn’t, and has never been, a romantic gesture), then yeah…. i’ll assume you’re homophobic. Can’t you see the obvious double standard???? Do you want me to pretend i don’t see it?

You don’t have to like the ship, i don’t particurlaly like bs, or arkos or rosegarden, but i see the moments that can be considered romantic. Bb has moments that can be considered romantic. You don’t have to like it to see it.

Also, the absolute bullshit arguments you anti bb guys come at me with makes it even harder to believe you have any decent intentions… ‘oh you watch a show just for lesbians???? sorry some of us care about actual writing!” Oh sorry, i didn’t know me watching the wilds bc of the wlw ship cancelled me reading 1984 bc it’s a literature classic. Lemme ask you something, does me wanting to watch the gucci movie bc i wanna see lady gaga in it also cancel me wanting to watching “us” bc i find Jorndan Peele a wonderful storyteller? 

[majorxbennyxboy]

TURN S4 according to someone who Has Not Seen It

(pieced together by random bits and pieces of things that have slipped the filters)

Arnold sends Ben this creepy letter like ",,,,,hey,,,,u wanna,,,,,,,,,betray everyone you love and come join me in bastardly traitor fun times,,,,I know you want to because when you tried to shoot me you missed, and that's always a sign of Fondness."

Which Ben is Not For so he's like :/

Richard decides he's going to Love His Son and also switch sides, which is Great !! because now the whole fam are Rebels together and Abe's got this Puzzlement Sandwich going on but he's also happy to finally have a dad. He's skeptical, but he Ready.

Caleb shows up and Abe just. Screams it to the heavens, "MY BUDDY MY PAL MY HOMIE CALEB BREWSTER GET A LOAD OF THAT ARNOLD BASTARD HUH WE SURE DID A GOOD JOB WITH OUR SPY RING DIDN'T WE WOW HAHA WE'RE GOOD"

Abe takes him home and gives him some tea. The cup is as big as Caleb's head and he is Very Cute holding the saucer in his two hands. Declines sugar. He's sweet enough without it. Accepts some whiskey.

He's like "hey you wanna pack up now let's go?"

But Abe Nopes that like "nah see I'm gonna be the Spyingest Spy. Me and the fam are Staying and we are gonna Wreck some Redcoat shite and it's gonna be awesome."

Richard chimes in, "do you and those soldier boys want to burn some stuff bc I can hook you up with a SICK bonfire if youre game"

Caleb is Game.

Washington's like "tallmadge why the *BEEP* didn't you tell me about this letter boi" and it's very Stressful but he's also kind of softly like "tallmadge occasionally does a good job wow"

GWash and Martha get. snuggly.

Ben and Caleb pop off to go destroy people and burn some hay and Ben's like "TAKE THE BULLETS OUT YO GUN GUYS WE GOTTA STEALTH THIS SH"

This redcoat guy alerts the entire fort but Caleb takes him the hell out and the boys blaze in and within about five and a half seconds they take over and set to burning hay. Caleb snatches some stuff like "man yeah I am making some cash today this is worth a fortune on ebay"

Ben is in Richard's house at some point in a heckin' coat.

Caleb goes to pawn his contraband but gets snatched by a weasle.

Arnold's like "you only say you don't like betraying your friends because you've never tried it. come on dude it's fun it's fun I swear you should do it"

And Caleb's like "um dude no hell in way. I'm not about that."

So Arnold conjures Simcoe from hell and that's that.

Simcoe goes "do you know why I like serrated blades?"

"bc u nasty fool"

Simcoe proceeds to behave very badly and tells an extended version of a story that was cut from S1E2 about how his father died when he was like ten and how his RageClown Tendencies are perfectly legit. Also he's just like "Ah yes do you remember S1E2? Those events make all of this okay. It isn't about revenge tho even though it lowkey totally is."

Cookie comes down like "YO MAN WTH ARE YOU DOING U BETTER STOP"

Meanwhile I think Peggy is going "marriage sucks." and Arnold is being a complete ass to her but she doesn't let it diminish her vibes that woman is a queen. And possibly pregnant I think.

She and Philomena run into each other and there's some sassing but Peggy's like "haha ? I will :) destroy you :D"

Boys work out a plan to get Caleb back and it entails swapping Abe and Richard over to the Redcoats and getting something like five-hundred pounds as well.  They got these two all tied up and some guys  come up like "Uh?"

Ben's a spymaster and has it Under Control and tries the ol' Smile 'n Wave routine. It does not work.

They get to the Prisoner Exchange and Ben's like "UM? Excuse you what did you do to my guy over there what'd you do to Caleb"

Simcoe plays pool while predicting the current events

and Richard gets frickin' sniped he's wasted it's over that's done the people SCATTER and everybody runs into a barn.

Mulligan slides into Rivington's inn like "yo Quaker boy. if you happen to be a spy, or something...u should def check out some new threads. *wink* we should talk"

Rob's having none of that. "you're creepy. get away from me."

And then Arnold comes in to straight up slaughter Mulligan and fling him everywhere. He's also like "WHAT IS UP MY PEEPS WHO DON'T EVEN WANT ME. NOT ONLY AM I A DIRTY NO-GOOD WHO BETRAYED MY FORMER PEEPS, I AM NOW PERSONALLY HUNTING DOWN THEIR LITTLE SPIES. TELL THE WORLD. *Flings glitter and drama as well as some shade*"

v uncomfortable cart ride back to camp and a Turtledove Cameo later Abe's like "ben i'm going back to sadtauket and burying my father, possibly myself, also contemplating revenge but not in a culper way."

Ben's like "...uh." and has no less than fifty tabs open but Anna Handles It.

Anna helps this little girl with a doll and everyone in camp ships Benanna. Ben starts thinking about what they can possibly do about this but Anna tells him not to do anything because it's a really good cover and also another box on the People Anna's Dated Bingo Cart the writers have been forcing her to carry around.

Abe buries his father while Thomas mills about chanting "dead dead dead dead dead" in the background and ten tells Mary he's going to kill Simcoe. She tells him not to miss, while bitterly regretting only taking off dude's ear.

????????????????

Selah turns up in Camp and, after miraculously not murdering Ben for the whole "allegedly dating my wife" thing, he's  like "wife. hello. so I've been Facing Reality and steadily accepting the fact that you probably don't love me and most likely never have but, we should still probably Discuss and see if we can work something out."

"Kay"

He goes to Ben like "she works for you' "uh" "she worked for you in Setauket" "uh" "does she still work for you" "uh" "boy" "I mean if you can convince her to go with you and manage to survive the discussion then by all means" "...kay."

Hewlett's Head of Intelligence and v Jaded but also working through his stuff. He's maybe looking at stars and at one point is like "hello soft quaker boy yes I am in love with stars. and myself. and that is Good. I have reached Zen but am also a somewhat Tortured Soul at this stage of the game"

"okay. you're weird. but okay. you do you lizard man. you do you."

A plan is hatched for Abe, who is Culper once again, to beat Arnold at his own game by pretending to turncoat, but not really turning. For some reason Ben's good with this??? idk but he's like "see youohmygod don't get killed please"

Caleb pops off to fetch Mary and is very cute with Thomas. And with Mary. They're all precious. Ben and Anna ride to meet them. They are riding double. With Anna as the big spoon. Hmmmm yesssss

sorry *coughs*

Ben meets Sprout and it's real hella cute for about five seconds.

Back in Camp Ben tells Mary "I gotchu, you're with Abe, you're family, I will take care of you. hmu any time"

And then he gets real serious into talking tactics or smthn to Caleb and Mary shows up in his tent like "hey can you"

and he loses it

"NOBODY SAW YOU DID THEY MARY I CAN't HAVE CAMP THINKING I'M DATING EVERYONE WHAT THE HELL MARY THERE IS PROTOCOL"

Caleb chills, uncomfortably, in the background.

Mary gives it back to Ben. "YOU HAVE TO TELL ME THINGS ABRAHAM IS MY HUSBAND"

"WHY DO YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT THE SPY RING"

"HOW DO YOU THINK HE'S STILL ALIVE DUMBASS"

"OH MY GOD IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT"

this continues for a few heart-lurching moments before Mary leaves. Nobody is happy. Not a single individual feels any joy, at all, in their life.

That Randall sicko is still alive and he's like "hey Anna."

she be Knowin "you're that guy Ben tried to take out last season"

"Yeah but that ruling went in my favor"

(WE'RE LEFT HANGING. OKAY, SO THEY DECIDED BEN WAS IN THE WRONG. SO? WHAT HAPPENED? DID THEY MAKE HIM APOLOGIZE? DOCK HIS PAY? DETAILS PEOPLE. HOW DID HE NOT GET DEMOTED???)

and Randall proceeds to tell Anna there's some kind of mutiny being planned.

At some point there is an actual mutiny but the people involved are stopped and arrested and brutally executed and it's a harrowing experience for everybody.

Abe Enlists with the Redcoats and gets this new bunkmate, Joe, who seems interesting. He also visits Townsend who's like "what the hell what the hell what the H E L L  PAY ATTENTION TO ME WHAT IS HAPPENING"

Townsend takes it upon himself to Snoop and keeps following Abe around and shows up at this party and Abe's just like "can you please not be weird Robert I'm undercover"

Cicero completely Outs Abe to Peggy and she's like "...ight."

Simcoe gets nasty and, as with everything involving Simcoe, there are sharp things involved.

Some fool tries to take out Hewlett and Hewlett's like "man I'm so done with everyone's bs this isn't happening today"

He and Abe somehow meet up and instead of killing each other they wind up plotting against Simcoe, something they both believe in.

Those Rebel Boys hatch a plan to expand the spy ring once again with this Champe fellow. He and Caleb pretend to fight, (DAMMIT CHAMPE BE GENTLE WITH HIM) and Ben pretends to be really mad about this and hauls them both to his tent for a Pretend Stern Talking-To in which they discuss Plans and Ben pretends to banish them both forever.

So Champe hops off to go meet Abe.

He's a pretty creepy-like dude and seems to basically be Rebel Simcoe.

Another plan is hatched, this time to get Arnold, but things go awry. Caleb's Struggling and Ben's Upset and once again nobody is at all happy, and it's horrible. absolutely horrible.

More sh goes wrong bc the British are like "right so you're all trained up, time for you go kill some rebel soldier bois" which Abe is less than enthused about.

So Ben's Thinking about this. "who the hell is going to fetch abe. Can't ask Caleb to do it. Anna can't go. Hm guess I'll have to" Anna is quick to point out "lmao ben do you want to be labeled a traitor bc that's what's going to happen you should just ask Caleb." Ben considers this. "...nah it's cool I'll just Resign and go Handle it."

Also Mary has discovered some form of traitor ladies and I think tries to barter the information but Ben's just like "ASHFAKJFHAK PLEES"

Ben hits Hamilton up and asks him to be the new Spyboss ("good luck my guy it's like herding ducks.") and Hamilton isn't so sure about this but Ben's Convinced it is Necessary, makes all the arrangements.

Caleb tho he pops in like "actually I'll take this one" in the biggest frickin miracle of a thousand years

the two have a Moment. a blessed Moment of Purity.

And then Ben flounces over to GWash to resign anyway and they both throw a MASSIVE HISSY FIT AT EACH OTHER AND IT'S HONESTLY EVEN MORE BRUTAL THAN THE "not my son" CONVO IT'S SO TERRIBLE and Washington decides, "well you can't resign. You are Fired."

because he is Ben Tallmadge there seem to be no concrete consequences for talking to the General the way Ben does in this particular scene, even though GWash could quite possibly have him fed to an angry sheep.

Caleb has a very Emotionally Moving convo with Mary and it comes back to help him out later.

Abe and Simcoe make eye contact and Simcoe's like "MURDER TIME YAY" and chases him. Abe tries to shoot him, misses. Chase resumes until Abe is cornered. AND CALEB JUST TAKES SIMCOE THE FRICK OUT HE JUST. NAILS HIM, KABOOM. +1000 FOR THE BLESSED BEARDY WHALER FLOWER MAN.

For good measure, Abe then flings Simcoe off a thing and the man slithers away in the time it takes Abe to get down there. Abe pulls a pistol on him in front of several other guys, none of whom notice, but then leaves without actually shooting the scarecrow.

Caleb shows up to talk to some Soldier Bois like "have you seen my spy" and they have but it's Champe. But !! they tell him some Stuff about where to find Abe and he's like "well that's good" and jogs on his merry way to find that Boy.

also Hewlett doesn't play he's all about "you killed my horse, and we're about to have a discussion."

Yorktown, meanwhile, Looms, and the Biggest Question is whether they'll be able to wrap this up without E10 being movie-length.

[discendos]

natecolberts replied to your post: #petition for idris elba to read an erotica for an...

you knOW YOU WANT IT

SO BADLY