#and no im not just talking about Christianity but a Christian movie is what sparked this post

[barefootbaltimore]

I have such a weird relationship with religion and faith as a concept. Like I dont believe, and a lot of common beliefs I honestly think are kinda silly but I go absolutely feral for religious imagery and stories.

[harley-michaels-main]

Just saw Thor Love and Thunder and I need to talk about it so read ahead at your own risk.

First of all, i love the fucking goats they are the star of the show.

Okay now onto the movie. I loved it. One of the funniest and most heart wretching films I had ever seen. The casting is always incredible with Taika films and they did another amazing job. I am so happy to see Natalie Portman return.

I will say that her Jane Foster with cancer was not a surprise seeing as though that is what happened in the comics. However I was surprised to see her death at the end of the film. I truly thought that it was going to follow the comics and have Jane become the new Thor and the og Thor would either die or step down. Her death did make me cry but it was nice to get a proper closure for Thor and Janes relationship and even finding out how they broke up in the first place.

Thor in the film was hilarious and I loved to see his growth as a character. To see his struggle with depression and PTSD and even take advice from Peter Quill who is someone we have learned he does not have the best relationship with. Him learning about the corrupt power system in what im guessing was Mount Olympus because i do not remember what it is actually called was incredible. Him learning that he was on his own and would ultimately have to face this fight alone was somewhat sad but seeing him literally rip one through Zeus was amazing.

Valkyrie my true king, I love you. She is the best character in this series and seeing her go one on one with Gor??? Incredible. I literally was about to cry because i thought she was dead but im glad she lived. Also when she kissed Zeus' maid on the hand i was dying because I wanted that to be me.

Korg had mw sobbing. This dude literally almost died and then ended up making a baby with a man named DWAYNE? Adorable. 10/10.

Also fucking Axel??? HEIMDALS SON??? YES PLEASE HE WAS ADORABLE!! Iloved his interactions with Thor and I see him playing a huge part in the future movies.

Christian fucking bale this man scared the fuck out of me. He is the creepiest MCU villain thus far. He does an amazing job portraying the same character with split personalities after being corrupted. His character was complex and really dug into religion as well for it being a marvel film. With it being a controversial topic right now I think that many will not take to it lightly. However his performance was incredible. Another masterpiece for him and another DC actor converted to marvel.

But seriously the ending threw me through a loop. With the way things were going in Eternity, I truly thought that Jane and Thor were going to raise his daughter together. But seeing Jane die in Thors arms like that? I was sobbing in the theatre.

The first post credit scene somewhat confirmed for me that thor was going to die soon. With Zeus still living and calling upon Hercules its kinda a given. Will Herc kill Thor? Most likely. Will Herc live? I doubt it. I think that they will end up either killing each other or Thors new niece will end his life.

The second post credit scene. This had the whole theatre gasping. Imagine it. Everyone is talking, sotting around, waiting to see if the lights turn on or if there's a second post credit scene. Then, the gold sparks appear on screen. Within a matter of two seconds, everyone was back in their seats and the theater was silent. We see Jane appear at the Gates of Val Halla. And who is there to greet her? Heimdal. Literally everyone gasped when seeing him. And sadly, after Jane had lost her battle with cancer, she was allowed into the great hall of gods, who have all lost their lives in their own battles.

Overall this was my favorite thor movie. I love Natalie Portman and Chris Hemsworth on screen together. They have great chemistry and work so well together. Im happy she was able to get a proper farewell for the franchise and got the proper treatment she deserved for her work. I cant wait to see what comes next when Thor returns.

[vitos-ordination-song]

i look back on horror at who i was as a child a lot bc it was bad and i did bad things. but just now i felt kind of fond of little me and proud. bc i did survive and i was smart. 

i got sparked thinking about this bc i was thinking back to being really little. really little, potty training and earliest memories. i was so motivated to be perfect and actually i was good at getting approval. it’s sad bc thats what shaped the bad part of me. at this deep level i learned i did not want to be punished or disapproved of and so i tried to distance myself from my brothers who were punished and compared negatively to me. 

it’s weird bc for so long i felt shame about this. when i was in high school i apologized to my brothers in tears bc theyd often been resentful of me when we were young and i felt guilty for being the baby who got away with things while they were punished. from like age 2 to age maybe 10 i had a p bad superiority complex borne out of this and i just felt like a bad person for it for a long time. plus i didnt fully break out of the mindset til i let go of inferiority/superiority. 

i do see that i was just a child but thats kinda the part that feels like a horror movie. if i think of it being a child who was in situations i was and doing things i did, it feels horrifying. so most of my thinking back on being a kid are kinda disturbing. 

but im kinda getting back in touch w the part of myself i love for the past few years. and you know i survived for a reason. bc i love life and there are parts of me that are strong. what i was thinking about that started all of this was the kind of two-sided split nature of my childhood. what actual form did it take. 

i was absolutely obsessive about adult approval. to a degree that was v annoying to other kids but worked. i didnt necessarily SHOW that i was obsessed w it and i dont think i was even thinking consciously about it. a lot of my memories go in this vein. like i was good at memorizing bc that was asked of me. i could intense laser focus on things and memorize them. i remember frantically memorizing Bible verses at age 5 to win the Bible verse memorizing competition which the adults put on.

all of my strengths i had to be best in and all of my weaknesses were sources of shame i tried to improve on. i took very seriously morality as it was taught to me and made a great show of following it. i was often what you could consider teachers pet and basked in any positive reinforcement thrown my way. 

i was addicted to avoiding punishment and seeking reward. it was a response to my highly behaviorist, authoritarian upbringing. my emotional state in relationship with adults could vary wildly depending on how they treated me. i had a teacher in fourth grade who seemed to dislike and undermine me, like she wanted to break me, and i internalized my idea of her to help shape myself into someone who she would like. and it mostly worked. 

the intensity of my ability to do stuff like this cannot be understated. i learned to totally supress my sensory problems because they made adults annoyed with me and might lead to punishment (also i had to learn to deal with them alone because i had no help). i learned how to present a certain type of acceptable personality. 

i should note that i learned to do this first because of my parents. i learned later, but very young, that i had been easy to potty train. i was often praised both for being intelligent but especially for being “easy” and obidient. the perfect child. as compared to my brothers who wet the bed and had to be punished for it. ive thought for a while that the reason i was so obsessed with being perfect in school is that my mother homeschooled me and my brother for kintergarden. she screamed at him for being stupid. never me. 

being better was being safe. so i became this person who had to follow all the rules and be best at everything and i always wanted to be assured that i had earned love by my behavior. 

but the oddest thing about this is that i was a totally anti-authority, rebellious, and single-minded child. this is how the split in my personality manifested when i was little. any time i sensed any kind of unfairness i was livid. i undermined authority figures behind their backs with other kids. i got around rules however i could. 

the thing was, i think, even when i was very little, was that i knew it was arbitrary. the authority my parents wielded over me and my siblings was incomprehensible. i couldnt follow it. i just knew that they were in charge so they could do what they wanted. they were inconsistent in their punishments and rewards. sometimes they punished you for nothing and sometimes you got away with doing something actually bad. they weren’t fair. they just made it up as they went along. 

i wanted to do what i wanted to do and really i felt no attachment to their judgment on it--at least this side of me didnt. and it goes back just as far, maybe farther, than the feeling of superiority or desire for approval. i think that came more as i became afraid of punishment. 

i have very young memories of defying my parents authority. i just wanted to get away with it. and i almost always did. 

it’s funny because my entire family has always judged me for that but now i look back with some admiration. i mean i was obsessing with how to get away with things in my youngest memories, like age 3. all throughout my childhood i broke the rules to do what i wanted. 

when i was thinking earlier, what came to me was that i always acted to get approval so that i could get away with things and do what i really wanted to do. my main occupation as a child was reading. i was approved of for it. i read so much! i was such a smart little girl! and i could get away with spending all my time away from people in another world, the world of my books. i was quiet and out of the way so i was a good child. and that was one of the main sources of happiness in my childhood, reading, escaping, learning, being somewhere else. 

i waged a warfare against authority quietly. i learned to give them what they want and then do whatever i wanted when they looked away. i did it all the time. the side of me that wanted approval and the one that wanted freedom were somewhat dissociated so i didnt even fully realize i was doing it. 

i think what caused a lot of the change was falling from grace. in my own eyes, in my projected, perceived vision of God, and in the eyes of adults. it happened around age 10 and 11. i went from a very high to very low opinion of myself quickly. i think some of it was having a teacher who simply did not and would not like me, who wanted me to be smaller. she didnt like that i was disorganized and said i had terrible handwriting. she wasnt cruel but she wanted to destroy me for my own good. she constantly put me down and made me a subject of ridicule in class. 

i was also thinking more about Christian morality. the more i learned about God and heard about sin the more i felt i was a sinner. i felt bare and stripped naked, disgusting before God. 

i had humbling experience after humbling experience--internally as i reflected on my behavior and externally though rejection by peers, failure in school, and adult disapproval. it wasnt possible for me to feel approved of, perfect anymore. i could only be bad. 

i kept going further and further with this until i was reborn and rejected all of it. i stopped being Christian and rejected God’s authority. Christianity was the only worldview i had ever been allowed to imagine. once i stopped believing in it i was separate from every person around me. i could not, as a human being, have anyone’s approval. 

i wasnt the golden child at school or at home any more. i started getting in trouble in ways i never would have before because i was more defiant openly. a teacher took my kindle from me in 8th grade and i was punished for stealing it back. i had used to never talk back to my parents but i started to. i was angry. the dynamics in my family shifted and sometimes i was the scapegoat, sometimes i was the one being screamed at, punished, hit the most. me and my siblings played hot potato for it. golden child shifted around too. but i would never be the favorite again. by the time my parents went back to fawning on me, when i was a successful college student, i had no taste for it. 

starting around age 13. i had to become my own internal source of approval, authority, and being. i started to parent myself. i developed an internal parent who nurtured me and i sought out a lot of media about good and loving parents. i cried alone all the time but when i was calming down, i would stroke my own hair and talk to myself. i thought for myself and made up my mind about things. i had my own internal sense of morality that wasnt based on punishment and rewards. that made me a better person. before i had broken any rule with no guilt. i did not consider right and wrong of the action, only likelihood of punishment or reward. when i was giving myself approval, /i/ had to approve of my actions. 

idk ive just rambled a lot but i guess ive been thinking tonight about how ive reacted to environments and how ive changed myself as a person. i have these moments, shorter periods in my life, where something totally shifts in me. but that doesnt make long term effects just go away. i still worry about approval and punishment. i still punish and reward myself. these things are ground into me. inferiority/superiority too. but i saw through them and i have changed. 

[bforbookslut]

ARC Review: Jane of Austin by Hillary Manton Lodge

I received a copy of this book from the publisher via BloggingForBooks in exchange for an honest review. As this is an ARC copy, things that I discuss may vary and be different than in the published copy.

I have given this book ☆. 300-500 pages estimated as I read it in ebook format. It belongs to the Contemporary Romance genre. WaterBrook & Multnomah published it. I would not recommend it. The synopsis reads: “Just a few years after their father’s business scandal shatters their lives, Jane and Celia Woodward find themselves forced out of their San Francisco tea shop. The last thing Jane wants is to leave their beloved shop on Valencia Street, but when Celia insists on a move to Austin, Texas, the sisters pack up their kid sister Margot and Jane’s tea plants, determined to start over yet again.

But life in Austin isn’t all sweet tea and breakfast tacos. Their unusual living situation is challenging and unspoken words begin to fester between Jane and Celia. When Jane meets and falls for up-and-coming musician Sean Willis, the chasm grows deeper.

While Sean seems to charm everyone in his path, one person is immune – retired Marine Captain Callum Beckett. Callum never meant to leave the military, but the twin losses of his father and his left leg have returned him to the place he least expected—Texas.

In this modern spin on the Austen classic, Sense and Sensibility, the Woodward sisters must contend with new ingredients in unfamiliar kitchens, a dash of heartbreak, and the fragile hope that maybe home isn't so far away.”

Verdict:

I noped right out of there. Uninspiring and boring and annoying lead male. Sad though because Jane and her sisters are phenomenal characters.

In short, Jane of Austin, with its witty name, is a take on all things Jane Austen, featuring three sisters, reminiscent of Sense and Sensibility. The sisters run a tea shop but when their lovely landlord dearly departs, the sisters’ lives are turned upside down and they’re forced to leave their thriving hipster business because they can’t afford the rent and forced to move to Austin where they stay in a relative’s house, for free. Eldest sister, Celia, is dumped by her boyfriend before they leave town. While the middle sister and apparently, the most vibrant of the three (mostly because she’s a caustic and a little eclectic), Jane falls in love with wannabe singer whatshisface. But of course, whatshisface is not the hero here. But instead, moody and grumpy Callum is.

But I can’t really tell you what happens next because Jane of Austin is a DNF.

Jane of Austin starts off phenomenally well and I’m sucked into the story of the three sisters even though Margot is barely a person. She’s just mentioned once or twice and seems incredibly bratty. But then, Callum is introduced and he’s the most toxic and uninspiring lead male ever.

Be ready for a rant.

[contains spoilers]

Jane of Austin starts off like one of my favourite Lifetime movies, Scents and Sensibility. Their father is a corporate crook and the sisters set out on their own, building their own lives. And I love stories about sisterhood because I myself have a sister and much of my life surrounds our relationship. Because if you can’t count on family, who can you count on? Jane dropped out of school to look after Margot because their dad is awful and Celia works her little butt off to make ends meet at their cute little tea store.

Now, sisterhood is a great premise and then throw in some boys? What could be better?

Wrong, because once men were introduced to the story, the whole shitstorm began. It became less about women’s fiction and more about, how much dick can I get? Oh, I can’t get dick? The dick left me.

A couple of pages in and Celia is already broken up with Teddy, her longtime, why-aren’t-they-married boyfriend. When she moves to Austin, she’s fucking moping around and being all shady and not talking to Jane and basically driving a wedge between them because she refuses to talk about her relationship with Teddy to her sister. Fine, my sister doesn’t really tell me about her relationships either but come on, Celia and Jane were always tight and told each other everything. Boy comes in and fucks shit up.

Now, waltzes in cowboy central. Sean Willis is as charming as they come and immediately, Jane falls head over heels for him. I sort of do as well because he’s hot, and there are minute sparks. But suddenly, they go from rescuing-me-from-the-storm to dating. There was no precursor; there was no witty repartee, no long drawn out, pretty conversations. No. She just fell for him. I felt absolutely no chemistry. It was such a painful-to-read relationship. But I digress, Sean is the “darkest before the dawn”. They breakup because Sean wants to pursue his music in Nashville. LIKE THAT’S SOMETHING TO MOPE ABOUT??????? We all want careers, honey. He isn’t going to put you and your vagina first. Were you going to put him and his dick over your tea shop? I didn’t think so. So, don’t complain.

See where Jane of Austin is going? There’s just a lot of men. Highly doubt they’d pass the Bechdel test. That’s not what Austen was about, mkay?

Fine, I can put up with all this shit.

If only the lead male that Jane is supposed to fall in love with, was spectacular and phenomenal. Let me list all the problems with Callum.

1. When Callum first meets Jane, this is what he had to say:

“She did remind me of Lila; there was no denying the resemblance. But there was something…extra…about Jane. Almost like high school Lila, but grown and in Technicolour. Was it a fair comparison? Probably not. Lila had made her decisions and suffered when the man she chose failed her.”

I absolutely hate when love interests says that he/she reminds them of an ex-lover that they lost. And Callum did lose Lila to someone else and he practically shames her for it. Like, looook, if you were with me, you’d be better off because iM pErFeCt. And high school Lila? The last time this little fucker knew his ex-girlfriend was fucking high school. Let’s take a quick reminder that Jane is no longer in high school and is 26.

2. Callum is fucking hung up on Lila. Apparently, Lila called his father’s partner looking for a job but now that Callum is back in town, Lila is missing and he can’t reach her. Maybe she doesn’t want to be found, bitch. But, he believes its his sworn duty to make sure she’s safe because why would she ask for a job if she was okay/???? So this little bitch hires a private detective to find Lila. Like he’s some kind of fucking knight in shining armour. HE HASN’T SEEN THIS WOMAN IN AGES REMIND YOU. OR HAD CONTACT WITH HER. Wtf.

But fine.

3. Now, here’s where it gets really creepy. Callum is always stalking Jane or watching her from afar like a fucking creep. Exhibit A:

“From my room upstairs, I could see the way she clutched his hand, the way her head tipped back in laughter”.

“Watching Jane, I could immediately tell that Lyndsay landed on her last nerve. But as I watched Jane’s gaze flit from Celia to Lyndsay, her brows pressing together with that Jane-like intensity, I knew the sight of trouble brewing.”

THAT MUCH DETAIL??????? Because he stalks her and watches her constantly.

4. He uses the word possession to talk about Jane.

“But she wasn’t mine. She wouldn’t be.”

“Unless she was laughing with Sean. When that happened, I felt a little sick to my stomach.”

God, this was like the last straw. I wanted to throw up. I have a history of men subjugating and “possessing” women, cue family. And this just made my fucking skin crawl. And he talks about “claiming” here.

“Not a V-E Day kiss, not now, just a small claim on the corner of her lips that twisted with rueful amusement.”

5. He immediately girlfriend-zoned Jane. From the beginning, he thought she looked like his ex-lover and when his therapist asked him if he was interested in Jane, he came up fucking blank. Like some school boy who’s never had a date.

“Are you interested in her?”

“She’s seeing someone else. It looks serious.”

He doesn’t even bother being her friend or trying to get to know her as a person. He’s just interested in her. Let me remind you that I don’t have many highlights of Jane and Callum talking because they don’t fucking talk. He could have listened to her, gained her trust instead of being her mother’s cousin’s creepy friend who stays with them. All he wanted to do is “make her yours” and Callum keeps getting frustrated that she’s with some hotshot good looking guy.

He just mopes around, lamenting about how she can’t see that he’s perfect for her and not Sean. He just wonders why she doesn’t see that he’s interested in her.

I stopped reading once all the possession and claiming talk started. It just made my skin crawl and I wanted to throw up. Let me remind you that this was more than 50% of the book. Jane and Callum have absolutely no chemistry, they barely talk, he’s like the creepy uncle who lives in the attic and he’s barely got any character.

Not to mention, Callum is differently abled and suffering from PTSD which is not the greatest subject topic to be dealing with in a ROMANCE novel. Especially one that is so poorly written.

In writing this review, I took a look at the publisher’s profile to look for approval preferences and lo and behold, this is what I found, “publishing encouraging, biblical, trusted, and thoughtful Christian books.” It’s no wonder there was barely any sex in it. Or chemistry. Unfortunately, I did not check it properly on BloggingForBooks.

Perhaps Jane of Austin would have appealed whole heartedly to the right crowd of people where they like being possessed by their boyfriends and have their lives revolve around the dick. But I certainly hated it and did not finish it. It’s even lucky to receive one star from me because I loved the sisterhood part of the book.

[pocketfulofdarknessz]

A DAY IN MY LIFE ( 04 · 23 · 17 ) I woke up on a banging sound of zedd’s i want you to know. Dozed off my vibrating phone away from my ears and slowly opened the windows of my soul; still sleepy. The blinding sun before my eyes coming in through my window and i knew it was time to get up or else emz would kill me. Took a selfie then sent it to our gc. I lazily got up, plugged my phone and started downloading movies from my netflix app, just in case. Since i was feeling a little extra earlier, i did blowdry my hair. I was running late so i had no time to grab breakfast. Went straight outside our door, waved goodbye to my dog and walked down our street all the way to the opposite side of the road. Found Ged & Emz at circle k waiting for me; a little pissed bc im a bit late (maybe 5mins late). We started roaming around circle k looking for a food to eat while waiting for the others, since we all three didnt have bfast but ended up buying drinks instead of real food. Took some photos and started chatting about ged’s sex life when aya came followed by denzel. After long years of waiting for our vip friends, they finally came with a grand entrance because they were all wearing dresses as if they will attend someones wedding instead of christening. We all headed to the mrt station (fun fact: they now have xray scanner for the bags which i think was a cool idea) and took the train to north avenue. Surprisingly, we all got the chance to be seated on a MRT TRAIN. GOOD GRACIOUS!!!! What a lucky day. Laughed so hard when ged got confused if should tap the sjt or insert it. He panicked & start seeking for our help which we responded with a good laugh 😂 we had no idea where was the place & started arguing with what jeep we should take & just rode a random jeep that passed by that happened to be the correct jeep. The giant spotlight was up; burning my skin as we walked down the empty street of a village that was at peace but then was filled with rants of tired and hungry teenagers. Reached the sacred haven of the romans & spent a little while outside it waiting for the morning mass to be done. Killed the time by roasting each other & being the super talk show friends. As i entered the halls of the church, i couldnt help my eyes but to scrutinize every little detail of the inside. Everyone was settled on our designated seats, still doing their business catching up with each other while i, on the other side, was drinking my warm, tasteless sola & still criticizing the philosophy of the catholic church. My childhood memories came back bc my lola and i used to visit church every sunday but today was different. I didnt come with my lola nor still believe in saints. The brief talk regarding christianity started. A guy in a white, closed neck longsleeves holding up a mic stood in front of us – judging him by his looks, i could say that he is the speaker. He began with his claims that born again originated in roman catholics’ beliefs & every baby that has been baptized are born again which i thought was an actual bullshit. I dont have to elaborate this bc for i know myself the truth. I pursed my lips trying to prevent myself from objecting. Got bored and started to roam my eyes again. The white walls had my attention for quite a long time. Wondered how many cries & prayers of helpless souls have been heard by these white empty walls. I got distracted when the priest came and began the christening. He was really rushing as if he was a rap god. Took some photos and then left for lunch. Had lunch at agie’s place and to be seriously honest, the place was crowded but the food was really good!! Went upstairs with friends and they started drinking alcohol while us who decided not to, took care of our baby feli & shared meaningful stories like future plans and bunch of other serious stuff. We all had fun & decided to part ways. Some of us went home straight while us (me, ged, emz, aya & denzel) went to sm north to look for a place to have coffee since ged & denzel were drunk but ended up in cubao bc the whole mall was crowded plus the fact that aya and ged need to use the restroom. Rode the train to cubao, walked to gateway to ride the shuttle to ali mall & walked a bit more to sparks place. While waiting for aya, me & emz were on the sink counter talking about my lovelife & things regarding love and relationships. I suddenly felt tired and sad. I kept begging them to stay inside for five more minutes and more and more when ged knocked and said “wow ang tagal, super talkshow ha” we all laughed and went to the garden shared a couple of stories when aya’s girlfriend arrived. I had to leave bc it was getting late. I got home, changed my clothes and called my mama; told her everything that happened to me today. Edited some pictures for this photoset and decided to blog but while in the middle of writing, i got really really tired and sleepy.