#and no i cant change to my comfort jacket its dirty and not warm enough

[draconicdetective]

god ok i need to know what this specific thing i do is even about or caused by because it drives me NUTS genuinely this is so fucking genuine what the actual fuck is wrong with me

the short of it; if things touch my arms i get really overwhelmed and overstimulated and lose all my spoons EVERY time and go into a blind rage and or break down on the spot.

the long of it;

i cannot work at my computer in a jacket. the ONLY exception is if its my comfort jacket (ie my mickey mouse jacket and literally only this jacket), because. the risk, that my jacket, catches on my desk or my ipad or my mouse or ANYTHING in a way that i do not like, happens? if this happens? and it tugs on my arm in a way i cannot predict exactly and know is happening and can prepare myself for? i have a fucking FIT.

i.. its really cold in my dorm rn, im ikn a hoodie (bad for computer) and a jacket (its got large sleeves so its not only bad but EXTRA bad) and... i am on the edge of a breakdown because my jacket keeps... rolling up my arm. and the blanket i have on my shoulders (not as bad, i expect how it moves bc i sleep w it every night) keeps... also moving and sliding off my shoulder. this shit is just... moving. and im on the verge of tears. and i can FEEL myself choking up in my throat.

??????? literally what the fuck is up with that why do i do that

but also this has been a thing for . as long as i can remember

when i used to have a wacom tablet i would have full on breakdowns and destroy my sketchbook and damn near break my tablet in half i got so mad. because. the wire, connecting the wacom to my laptop, would. touch. my arm.

i do the same thing with my headset still, where if it gets twisted in a way i dont like i get distraught and super mad, but. since i use it every day, ive kinda learned how to put it away and maneuver the wire so it doesnt touch me in a way i can’t tolerate.

i just.. i genuinely... what the fuck is this even about. like i get mad when things dont go my way sure whatever i have anger issues and i know how to cope with being upset but this is like. over the fucking edge sometimes it will bring me to the brink of a mental breakdown and full on depression SPIRAL if something touches my arm incorrectly. literally genuinely what the fuck is wrong with me and why do i do this hello god????????

also like literally no idea what. PROBLEM i have that would cause such an extreme reaction because the highest contender is ADHD thats the only thing i can think would make me fly off the ahndle SO FAST

the other idea is it might be a hospital trauma thing bc of ivs but i highly highly highly doubt that but its an idea. otherwise something is just fucked up with me and i dont have a damn clue why

[monstermashdefunct]

cassianbodhi

unfortunate backstory for this message is me pleading u to send it to me so i can dump my hcs somewhere but lets disregard that for now

1- Who is the most affectionate? !! i feel like probably bodhi bc cassian is a little bit distant from affection at first bc everyone hes ever loved has gone in some way or another but they’re both pretty gd touch starved at this point so there is so much snuggling and eventually cassian warms up to pda a little bit more2-Big spoon/Little spoon? bodhi is almost always the big spoon even tho he’s 2″ shorter than cass bc he likes to be comforting and wrap himself around him. jetpack ur bros3-Most common argument? both of them are.. kinda bad when it comes to self worth n personal love and all that so if they ever argue its kinda along the lines of “cassian jeron andor listen to me you are so worthwile and important and i love you” or one of them being very reckless on a mission and the other getting angry 4-Favorite non-sexual activity? they like playing cards together, and sometimes cassian reads before bed and bodhi wiggles up to lay next to him and read over his shoulder spooned behind him5-Who is most likely to carry the other? cassian ends up carrying bodhi to bed a lot because he’ll just not sleep for a while and then pass the hell out in the middle of the mess hall and cassians like.. well here we go again and hauls him off to bed6-What is their favorite feature of their partner’s? bodhi’s favorite thing about cassian: all of his jackets but also his Smilecassian’s favorite thing abt bodhi: his hair ?? its amazing he has a Thing for bodhis hair 7-What’s the first thing that changes when they realize they have feelings for the other? well im feelin like bodhi realizes hes kinda in love w cassian some time after scarif and then just spur of the moment kisses him? so thats the main first change is bam okay they’re kissing now8-Nicknames? & if so, how did they originate? someone i follow uses Bode as a nickname for bodhi which i think is hella cute in like a modern au or smth. bodhi calls cassian Cass a lot just as a quick abbreviation but also captain and sometimes other people call bodhi “your pilot” around cassian and he accidentally picked that up9-Who worries the most? its bodhi no question10-Who remembers what the other one always orders at a restaurant? bodhi has a notebook full of things he needs to remember that he keeps in his bag or pocket at all times and it includes cassian’s standard coffee and food orders just in case11-Who tops? you fools... the strict top/bottom dichotomy is oppressing us all.. 12-Who initiates kisses? already answered13-Who reaches for the other’s hand first? bodhi is the #1 hand holding champion of the resistance so he’s into that 14-Who kisses the hardest? depends on the situation i think, after a mission they do have some intense “oh my god we made it out holy shit i love you so much” kisses, or sometimes if cassian has to do a mission w/o bodhi (or vice versa) they can barely make it out of the ship before the other is over there kissin them15-Who wakes up first? cassian is a really oddly early riser when he doesnt need to be and sometimes for meetings. plus he wakes up early w nightmares and stuff sometimes and likes to just lay in bed w bodhi there until he calms down16-Who wants to stay in bed just a little longer? both of them i think.. bodhi Never wants to get up bc in the empire they were pretty strict abt that stuff 17-Who says I love you first? already answered18-Who leaves little notes in the other’s one lunch? (Bonus: what does it usually say?) ok im talkin abt my college au here bc im uncontrollable but like. some days cassian has classes and bodhi doesn’t and bodhi makes him lunch every once in a while before test days or whatever and he always puts in a little note that’s like “you’ve got this!! i believe in you!! you can’t have your zepplin shirt back until you focus and do your readings tonight 19-Who tells their family/friends about their relationship first? assuming we’re going w a modern au in which either of them has family to speak of, i’d say bodhi in his weekly call to his mom to chat he’s like “hey mom i have a boyfriend!! he’s cute and has nice hair but he’s bad at making jokes”20-What do their family/friends think of their relationship? bodhi’s mom is totally fine w it and so is his sister, cassian’s parents are kinda weird abt it at first but mostly bc his last relationship was really weird so they’d question it no matter who he was dating. but, they trust this bodhi kid and think if anyone has to date cassian it should be them21-Who is more likely to start dancing with the other? bodhi doesn’t think hes a good dancer.. at all but he’s fairly ok but cassian is.... a really good dancer and this is totally inspired by the film dirty dancing havana nights which i still havent seen but he’s a good dancer but doesnt dance much so bodhi’s really surprised but then some nights they sneak into the mess hall when they can’t sleep and they dance because its good for emotional release and theres space down there

22-Who cooks more/who is better at cooking? theyre both pretty good cooks but cassian cooks more bc it reminds him of what little he remembers of home23-Who comes up with cheesy pick up lines? bodhi googles them because he thinks hes funny and he keeps them in his notebook24-Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear during inappropriate times?25-Who needs more assurance? both of them rlly? like bodhi’s been thru some shit and so has cassian and theyre both kinda insecure and not the best at positivity abt themselves so they both need a lot of reassurance abt things26-What would be their theme song? hmmm either in our bedroom after the war by stars, or you are a runner and i am my fathers son by wolf parade27-Who would sing to their child back to sleep? cassian definitely..28-What do they do when they’re away from each other? they try to keep busy but they definitely send transmissions as much as possible to keep in touch29-one headcanon about this OTP that breaks your heart. yknow. what happens in canon is enough for me lol30-one headcanon about this OTP that mends it. they have a lot of rituals after scarif for when one or both of them can’t sleep for any number of reasons, sometimes they’ll sneak out to this big hill near the base and look at the stars, or they’ll play cards (bodhi’s teaching cassian some tricks, but cass is fairly sure they arent good tricks and theyre making him lose), or cassian will tell bodhi about galactic history and run his fingers through his hair until eventually the sun rises or they fall back asleep