#and natalie being married to stephen >:( don’t like that and never did
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whenthegoldrays · 10 months ago
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Well I didn’t expect Mr. Monk’s Last Case to floor me like that with its ending.
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imjustthemechanic · 6 years ago
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Natalie Jones and the Golden Ship
Part 1/? - A Meeting at the Palace Part 2/? - Curry Talk Part 3/? - Princess Sitamun Part 4/? - Not At Rest Part 5/? - Dead Men Tell no Tales Part 6/? - Sitamun Rises Again Part 7/? - The Curse of Madame Desrosiers Part 8/? - Sabotage at Guedelon Part 9/? - A Miracle Part 10/? - Desrosiers’ Elixir Part 11/? - Athens in October Part 12/? - The Man in Black Part 13/? - Mr. Neustadt Part 14/? - The Other Side of the Story Part 15/? - A Favour Part 16/? - A Knock on the Window Part 17/? - Sir Stephen and Buckeye Part 18/? - Books of Alchemy Part 19/? - The Answers Part 20/? - A Gift Left Behind Part 21/? - Santorini Part 22/? - What the Doves Found Part 23/? - A Thief in the Night Part 24/? - Healing Part 25/? - Newton’s Code Part 26/? - Montenegro Part 27/? - The Lost Relic Part 28/? - The Homunculinus Part 29/? - The End is Near Part 30/? - The Face of Evil Part 31/? - The Morning After Part 32/? - Next Stop Part 33/? - A Sighting in Messina Part 34/? - Taormina Part 35/? - Burning Part 36/? - Recovery Part 37/? - Pilgrimage to Vesuvius Part 38/? - The Scent of Hell Part 39/? - She’ll be Coming Down the Mountain Part 40/? - Stowaways Part 41/? - Bon Voyage Part 42/? - Turnabout
Newton is on board!  Now what?
Desrosiers’ worry didn’t do anything for Natasha’s nerves.  Nat suspected it hadn’t been anything so simple as an apology and an explanation – Newton must have sworn up and down and given her all kinds of details in order to convince her, and after all that, it had still been a lie.
“I’ll show you,” Desrosiers said.  “This way.���
She went back down the steps to the Diamond Deck, and headed for the back of the ship, where the rooms with the best views were.  A sign by the door indicated that the Sirius Suite was occupied by Mrs. H. Desrosiers of Paris.  Next to it, another announced that the neighbouring Betelgeuse suite belonged to Mr. I. Neustadt of Munich.
Natasha knocked on the door.  “Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice,” she murmured, half-hoping it might summon an alchemist as easily as a ghost.
There was no answer. Natasha knocked again, harder. “Herr Neustadt!” she shouted. “It’s Dr. Jones!  We need to talk to you!”  If he didn’t answer this time, she would knock down the door to get in. If there were nobody there… she began going over what she knew of cruise ships, trying to make a plan for stealing a lifeboat and heading back to Naples.
“Isaac!” Desrosiers joined in.  “Please! Can we assure them you’re not about to do something mad?”
The door opened, and there was Newton.  He was still wearing that battered green hat, and the face below it was disappointed, but not exactly surprised.
“Oh,” he said. “It’s you again.”        
Part of Natasha was intensely relieved.  Newton’s plan to bring about the end of the world seemed to hinge on having a volcano to work with.  There was no volcano in Barcelona, and Desrosiers had said she wouldn’t let anything blow up by accident.  Maybe it really was okay.  Maybe they’d been panicking over nothing.
At the same time… it had all seemed to make so much sense. Admittedly, the standards of ‘making sense’ for alchemy were pretty low, but still…
“Isaac,” said Desrosiers. “Please tell them you’re not going to destroy the world.”
“Of course I’m not going to destroy the world,” said Newton, rolling his eyes.  “If I did that, I’d be destroying myself, too.  Don’t be silly.  How the hell did you get on board this ship?”
“We climbed,” said Natasha.  “Why are you going to Barcelona?”
“Because I like Barcelona,” said Newton.  “Even alchemists occasionally do something just because we want to, you know.  We’re still human beings.”
Something was wrong. Something was very wrong.  Natasha was sure this man was lying, and yet he didn’t show any of the normal signs of it.  “But Naples,” she said.  “Neustadt. Newton.”
“I did once think that was very clever,” he said with a nod, “but I later thought better of it. Sometimes being too clever makes you too easy to solve, so I thought, let my enemies look for me in Naples, while I’m six hundred miles away. How did you find me?” he repeated.
“Excuse me, please, ladies and gentlemen,” said a voice.  A maid was coming by with a cleaning cart.  The ground spread out and pressed themselves to the walls so she could pass.
Newton sighed.  “Since you’re here, come into my cabin.  We can talk there.”
They filed inside. The Betelgeuse Suite was multiple rooms, beautifully furnished and with a bit more actual personality to the décor than the beige hotel rooms they’d seen so far on this trip.  There was original art on the walls, and the bed was almost entirely covered in far more pillows than one person could possibly need. The doors were open to the balcony, and fresh air was blowing in.  A steward was pouring tea, and there was a tray of sandwiches and pastries waiting on a glass-topped dining table.
The steward was another homunculus, in uniform.
“Sit down, sit down,” said Newton.
Desrosiers sat down first, placing her purse in her lap and crossing her legs.  She was trying very hard to look at ease, and Nat could see that the truth was she was trembling with relief.  The reappearance of the CAAP with their conspiracy theory must have terrified her, and now she could not possibly be happier to know they were wrong.
The others pulled up chairs and seated themselves around the dining table.  It made for a very crowded space, even in the big stateroom, and Nat noted that future missions might be less cumbersome with just two or three people… but how would they know ahead of time whose skills they needed? The steward homunculus poured tea.
“Cream and sugar?” he asked Jim.  If the homunculus had noticed that the two of them had the same face, he didn’t show it.
“I take it black,” Jim replied.
“You,” Newton pointed at him.  “I have something for you.”
“Yeah?” Jim asked cautiously.  The steward daintily set a teacup in front of him.
“‘Nelle has given me to understand that you have developed a measure of, shall we say, self-awareness that I wouldn’t have credited you with,” Newton said.  “You want to become human.”
“Uh… I sort of think I already am human,” Jim said.  “I’d like to stay that way.”
Newton nodded thoughtfully.  “I’ve been giving it some thought since we parted at the museum,” he said.  “You’ve made it this far… if I have some time to work on it, I may be able to stabilize your body.  You must understand, though, that I cannot give you a soul.”
“What do you mean?” asked Jim.
“Exactly what I said,” Newton replied.  “Science can create a body that will live a lifetime and then die – but a soul that will live forever, only God can make.  Whatever you do during your life, you will be neither saved nor damned. When you die, and you must because we all do, even those of us who fancy ourselves immortals, you will simply cease.  Do you understand?”
He talked as if this were some great and terrible choice to be made.  That was the thinking of a religious man, Natasha observed.  She was not religious.  She didn’t believe in immortal souls, and so to her the choice seemed clear.  What did Jim believe, though?  Did he even know?
“Then I guess it’s that much more important for me to live while I can,” Jim said.
“As long as we understand one another.”  Newton nodded.
“There are stories which speak of ways soul-less beings might obtain one,” said Sir Stephen.
“That’s true,” said Desrosiers cautiously.  “Paracelsus wrote about them, but I don’t know how seriously we can take those.”
Of the group, Sam seemed to be the most familiar with fairy tales.  “Is this like the thing where the mermaid or the dryad gains a soul by marrying a human?” he asked.
“Yes, exactly,” said Desrosiers.
Natasha knew that when she looked at Jim, he would be looking at her. She looked at him anyway, caught his eye, and laughed.  He laughed too, nervously.
“Well, it seems there may be nothing to worry about so far as souls are concerned,” Newton observed with a smile.
“Do I still have a soul to give him if I don’t believe in them?” Nat asked, only half-joking.
“You have a soul, Dr. Jones.  The only thing you choose is whether it is saved or not,” Newton told her sincerely.
“Right, whatever,” said Nat.  She waved her hand a bit in a gesture of dismissal – her right hand.  Had Newton noticed it was healed?  If so, he didn’t seem particularly interested in the fact.  Maybe he’d taken it for granted that the group knew some alchemy of their own.
“Was it you and one of your homunculi we saw on the slopes of Mount Vesuvius?” asked Sir Stephen.
“No, no,” said Newton. “‘Nelle and I were already boarding the ship then – we started as soon as they finished offloading the previous passengers.”
That did make sense. What was wrong?  Was Natasha just being jumpy and paranoid?  Newton seemed relaxed and cheerful, happy to explain and help, but that was how he’d come across at the restaurant in Athens, too.  “Why have you been so secretive and pushy?” she asked, “if you never wanted anything but to make unlimited gold?”
Newton frowned.  “Do you realize what a question that is?” he asked.
That was a fair point. Unlimited gold was something human beings could kill for – and regularly had.  The Spaniards had all but wiped out the peoples of Central and South America in their quest for gold.  Europeans had raided the tombs of Egypt for it, dispersing treasures like the sarcophagus of Princess Sitamun all over the world, far from their original owners. Every culture that had known about gold had valued it.  Newton had come to the entirely reasonable conclusion that the CAAP was out to steal the philosopher’s stone, either for themselves or perhaps for the British crown. Desrosiers had probably thought the same, and had worried that they were going to blow something up, as the people of Santorini had done with their island and Rasputin had done with Siberia.
“We alchemists are secretive creatures by nature,” Desrosiers added.  “We don’t like to share with outsiders.  None of you are initiates, and so it goes against everything our own masters taught us to tell you anything at all.”
It all made sense, Natasha thought.  It made too much sense.  The idea of Newton destroying the world through Mount Vesuvius had made sense in an alchemy kind of way.  This all made logical sense and that was the wrong kind of sense.  In chasing the Red Death across the British Isles they’d had to get in touch with the kind of sense his sorcery and his quest made.  In wandering around the Mediterranean they’d had to do the same for these alchemists, and this was just the wrong conclusion.
Or was it? Desrosiers had told them that alchemy was science, not magic.  Maybe Nat was confusing it with sorcery and expecting the wrong things of it.  She wanted to tear her hair out.  She knew she should be reassured right now and yet she couldn’t be.  What had she missed?
“May we follow you to Barcelona?” asked Sharon.  “We’re supposed to do some kind of report on the fate of the mummy for the Queen, and we really need to see this through to the end.  And, if possible, get the book from the mummy case back.  If that’s the only thing we can salvage, then so be it.
“The British government has even less claim on the key than they do on the mummy,” said Desrosiers, pursing her lips.  “It’s not a book in any event, it’s a clockwork code-breaking machine.  It was given to Nicolas by his master, and he shared it with me.  You cannot have it.”
“What about the notebooks?” asked Nat, just to see how far she could push.
Newton stiffened.  “The notebooks are mine.  I may be officially dead but I am actually still alive, and I want to keep them.”  Then, however, he relaxed a little.  “But you can come to Barcelona and see the Philosopher’s Stone in action if you like, as long as you agree to keep the secret of it.  We are on this beautiful ship – I will get you rooms and cards so you can enjoy its comforts.  Tomorrow we’ll be at sea all day.  We get to pass between Sardinia and Corsica, where the coastline is absolutely lovely, and we can all relax and prepare before the real work begins.”
He was trying to put them at ease.  He was trying too hard.  What was he really up to?  It was driving Natasha mad.
“Do we have an agreement?” Newton asked.
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coloringmysensescherryred · 7 years ago
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2017
1. What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before? I went to Japan, graduated college, started teaching English in South Korea, and dated a Korean guy - a year full of traveling and adventures! 
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Last year I had two resolutions - eat better so I didn’t feel like I was gonna shit myself so often, and to stop looking for love and let it find me. TBH I followed them both - shoutout to Korea for helping me with them! Korea’s food is just much better on my internal pipes in terms of health, and the boyfriend thing kinda just happened. I’m more proud of myself for ending it when I wasn’t happy but I wasn’t forcing any sort of relationship, it happened organically; so I’m pleased that I stuck to my guns.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Nope! Most of my friends aren’t even married yet! (Not that you can’t have a baby without being married but ya know.)
4. Did anyone close to you die? No, thank god.  
5. What countries did you visit? Japan and Korea! 
6. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017? I would like to have more confidence to straight-up tell people when they are doing things that make me mad or irritate me or that I don’t like. That is my new years resolution this year. 
7. What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? March 23rd - the day I got my email saying I got into Fulbright! and June 7th - the day I left for Korea for a full year. 
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Fucking picking up my entire life and moving to Korea on my own. Like I have so many friends here in my program, but I was basically coming alone because I knew that I would be separate from them when we went to our placements after six weeks. 
9. What was your biggest failure? I don’t know, I felt like I succeeded in all the ways that mattered? I guess my biggest “failure” was confessing my feelings to my crush and him having to let me down because he had just gotten out of a serious relationship and wasn’t ready (altho I think he did like me tbh). So all things considered, that is a pretty good track record for an important year. 
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nope! 
11. What was the best thing you bought? Netflix?? I had had it for like six months before Korea buutttt it has been a fucking lifesaver for me abroad. It’s a way to hear English from native mouths when I live in a homestay and don’t get to speak English with native speakers that often. It’s also great to do on traveling (like on trains and buses). Bless up to a great monthly investment. 
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? BURG, aka @officialff7remake. Homeboy was there for me when I was freaking out about MP or thesis or boys and just to pal around and drink with. The tightest of homies and I can’t thank him enough. <3 
13. Whose behavior made you appalled? I guess my Korean ex, Huijae? He literally had never dated ANYONE before me, Korean or otherwise, and he while he meant well, he had no emotional intelligence and really did things that bugged me and patronized me and was trying to be manipulative? and I didn’t need that shit? So I got out of that relationship after holding back my own feelings for too long and I’m so much happier and I don’t really talk to him anymore (he has texted a few times after we broke up to ask if he could come visit my host family because he “missed them” *eye roll* but i haven’t let him and he goes off to military service in like two weeks so I think i’m in the clear). 
14. Where did most of your money go? FOOD. I literally just buy food in Korea. Oh, and train tickets to go to Seoul or wherever. 
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? IT by Stephen King. I was fucking so hyped about it and luckily its release date in Korea was the same as in America so I saw it the night it came out! Also, obvi Fulbright and teaching in Korea. :) 
16. What song will always remind you of 2017? 빨간맛 by Red Velvet and DNA by BTS! Two songs that I have heard OVER AND OVER in korea and I still love them. 
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer? I’m a. happier (or about the same - I was done with first sem and my thesis and had gone to Japan so I was probs p happy back then too), b. thinner! (I have lost like 10 or 12 lbs in Korea - wasn’t trying to but the food is just less fattening I think, and I walk more and go to an aerobics class like 3 or 4 times a week!), and c. richer! I’m not rich rich by any means but I have more money from fulbright than I was making as a waitress. :) 
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Idk - I did really what I wanted second sem of school, like hanging with MP and drinking and having spontaneous fun, and saw all the people I wanted to before I left for Korea, but I guess I wish I had done more solo trips in Korea? I want to do more before second sem starts too, and I want to visit my friends in their respective cities more because I didn’t get to do that so much in the fall because of my stupid fucking ex always coming to my town and taking up every literal weekend. I wish I was joking about that but it was bad. 
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Spend less time napping! I like naps but then I feel like i miss out on things, as well as have trouble falling asleep at decent times on school nights. Also, I wish I had spent less time being miserable about my relationship and ended it earlier. I gotta put myself the fuck first this year. 
20. How did you spend Christmas? I spent an early Christmas on the 23rd with 6 Fulbright friends in Gwangju, and ended up getting drunk and dancing at the airbnb with all the other tenants for the night! It was really fun. I then spent actual Christmas eve and day at a hotel with my host fam and close family friends, just seeing the ocean (in the freezing cold) and eating seafood stew. I was glad to be with them but I missed home SO fucking much during that time. I did Skype my fam on Christmas eve morning so I saw them a little! 
21. Did you fall in love in 2017? I don't know if I can call it love, but I had a serious crush that was more than just infatuation with a guy in my last sem of college. I didn’t know what I wanted because I was leaving America and he was still a sophomore but I just knew that I could see us together, and it didn’t work out but I still have hope for the future. And with my Korean ex, it wasn’t love at all but I did like him so there’s that? 
22. What was your favorite TV program? In terms of things that I watched in 2017 that I really liked? Breaking Bad, Dark, Stranger Things season 2, and Rupaul’s Drag Race!
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? My ex? Yeah, it’s petty, but whenever I talk about him or see his picture I get mad. I guess that only half counts on this bc I didn’t know him this time last year? But I don’t hate anyone else. 
24. What was the best book you read? It by Stephen King. That thing is a fucking masterpiece. 
25. What was your greatest musical discovery? Sam Smith, biiiiitch. His newest album is all amazing and I slept on him for too long! Like I knew he was good but this new album is amazing.
26. What did you want and get? I wanted Fulbright and I got it! 
27. What did you want and not get? I wanted to be with aforementioned crush but it was bad timing. Win some, lose some, live & learn. 
28. What was your favorite film of this year? I CAN’T CHOOSE
29. What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Going through second sem of senior year knowing I had a job after graduation? 
30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017? it has changed a little since coming to Korea in order to try and not stand out so much? I have switched to more solid color tops rather than lots of prints, and I dress more demurely? Like less cleavage showing because that’s how koreans do (not that I am against it, but I’m just tryna fit in). 
31. What kept you sane? Sydney, my best friend in the entire world. (This was my answer from last year and the year before that and the year before that AND THE YEAR BEFORE THAT but it still holds true) also everyone in the sv discord chat still AND natalie of course of course
32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? All the drag queens from Drag Race but especially Trixie & Katya? Ummm also BTS but what is new. ;) 
33. What political issue stirred you the most? everything trump and his administration do and the net neutrality repeal. :( 
34. Who did you miss? I miss my dogs and my mom and my sister and Brian and Cannon and grammy and my MP friends. <3 Being in Korea away from them has been really hard sometimes.  35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017. If you really want something, strive for it. Keep your expectations low, but believe in yourself and what you are capable of shining through and getting you what you really want. <3 
36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. “don’t you get lost in nostalgia, no” - Lost in Nostalgia, The Maine
“take me with you / cause even on your own, you are not alone” - Portugal, Walk the Moon
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haydennation · 8 years ago
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A Star Reborn: Elle Magazine Interview (February 2008)
No matter how romantic, dissolute, or beatnik he played it, Hayden Christensen just couldn’t lose the long arm of Star Wars. Until, that is, he starred in this month’s hotly anticipated, Jumper and ditched Darth Vader for good. Interview by Sarah Bernard When George Lucas plucked Hayden Christensen from teen-TV obscurity to play Darth before he was dark in Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, it was a career making break. It was also the kind of opportunity that could set up a young actor to fail spectacularly. Christensen wouldn’t have been the first 19 year old to let fame turn him into an intolerable party boy, or the first to flame out, Mark Hamill-style. But Christensen’s post-Vader life hasn’t followed either of those scripts. Since hanging up his lightsaber, he has made a handful of small films, the best of which was Shattered Glass, which he also produced. His portrayal of journalist-turned-plagiarist Stephen Glass, complete with dorky glasses and khakis, was a perfectly creepy rendering of ambition and desperate defiance. In Factory Girl, the Andy Warhol biopic, he played a Dylan-esque musician. The movie was so god-awful that Christensen has never seen it. “And I don’t think I ever will,” he says. He had originally signed up to play Bob Dylan, but Dylan didn’t like the way the film portrayed his relationship with Edie Sedgwick and threatened to sue. “The producers called a week later saying, ‘We can’t call him Bob Dylan.’ I said, ‘Okay, I can play Bob in my head,” says Christensen, who more or less worships the singer. But Dylan saw the final cut and still wasn’t pleased. Most of Christensen’s scenes had to be scrapped, and those that did survive had to be completely redubbed so that he sounded less Dylan-like. “It was really depressing,” the actor says. In 2007’s Awake, he played a wealthy businessman (his wife is played by Jessica Alba) who finds himself conscious during heart surgery. The film came and went in a weekend. When Christensen tried to bolt from the premiere’s screening, he says Harvey Weinstein, the film’s producer, told him, “I’ll sit next you with handcuffs if I have to.” In this odd collection of projects, there is a through line: characters who are not quite what they seem at first, possessing a mix of innocence and malevolence. Those are the parts that Christensen loves to play and what attracted to the starring role in this month’s Jumper, a sci-fi thriller about a bank robber with a talent for teleportation. It’s directed by Doug Liman, who turned Matt Damon into an assassin with a soul in Bourne Identity and matched Brad and Angelina in Mr. and Mrs. Smith.  “I think people who see this film will view Hayden as having emerged they viewed Matt as having emerged…[But the reality is, both Matt and Hayden had done phenomenal work before,” says Liman. “You just had to look at Good Will Hunting and Shattered Glass to see there was a star there.” Christensen is not one of those celebrities who always craves an audience, as he sits in a Tribeca bar in New York City answering questions, he’s wearing a Bathing Ape baseball cap pulled low over his brow. His features are so delicate, they’re almost pretty. In fact, he was the face of Louis Vuitton Menswear in fall-winter 2004-2005. (“He reminds of a young Paul Newman,” says Simon Kinsberg, who co-wrote Jumper as well as Mr. and Mrs. Smith and the third installment in the X-Men franchise.) The actor’s idea of fun is manning the excavator on the farm he recently bought an hour north of Toronto, the city where he grew up and where his family still lives. Like any good Canadian kid, he was hockey-obsessed and dreamed of playing for the Maple Leafs. He also played competitive tennis, and when he was a ball boy at the Canadian Open, he was nearly clocked with a racquet hurled by a tantrumming John McEnroe. (A clip of the near miss made the nightly news.) Christensen’s mother, Ali, and father, David, ran a communications consulting business together. He has an older brother, Tove (who now heads, with Hayden, a production company, Forest Park Pictures), and two sisters: Hejsa, a former junior world trampoline champion, and Kaylen. The whole clan spent time in Australia during the filming of Star Wars, where Christensen’s sisters even became tight with George Lucas’ daughters. When Lucas invited the girls along on a yacht vacation, Hejsa really hit it off with the boat’s captain. They married a year and a half ago in Antigua, with Lucas in attendance. “She’s sort of responsible for me having the career that I have,” says Christensen, “and I’m indirectly responsible for her family.” Listen to him talk, and it’s hard to believe he isn’t just a farm boy himself. For one thing, he mumbles. He also slurps his Coke like a little kid. Then orders another.
“I thought I had a sense of what it meant to be a down to earth, regular actor,” says Liman. “Then I met Hayden, and suddenly everyone else seems like a primadonna.” During one of many reshoots, Liman realized his star’s hair has gotten longer and lighter from the sun. “Hayden’s like, ‘no problem,’” says Liman. “He gets the scissors and the trimmer out and cuts his own hair in my bathroom! I’m terrified because we have some shooting coming up and if I mess up his hair, someone’s going to kill me. I go, ‘Are you sure you should be putting those scissors to your hair?’ He goes, ‘I was cutting my hair through the whole movie.’” “He is so sweet and so humble and approachable, and loving,” adds Jessica Alba. “He literally hugs everybody on the crew and knows all their first names, every day. He’ll say good morning, give everyone a hug. He’s so present and happy and sweet. It’s crazy. And then you’re like ‘Oh, he’s Canadian.’” ‘Menschy’ is how Kinberg describes him. “So much that wondered when I’d get to see the other side.” It’s an earnestness with an edge, like a scrim that’s hiding something uglier, messier, darker. “He’s incredibly good at lying,” says Jamie Bell, his Jumper costar. “That element of ‘I’m totally pulling the wool over your eyes.’ He’s good at that.” Darth Vader is a cartoon version of this of course. There were lots of intense stares and heavy brows in that performance. But to be fair, Star Wars has never been known for its thespianism, and delivering stilted dialogue with imaginary droids against a green screen doesn’t leave an actor much room for subtlety. Maybe Christensen was reacting to that when he played Sam Monroe, the pill-popping part time prostitute teenage son of Kevin Kline in 2001’s Life as a House. In the opening scene, Sam wakes up, sniffs a rag doused with paint thinner, sticks his head through a noose in his closet, and jacks off, until the clothes rack collapses on top of him and his mom opens the door. And that’s before the title sequence is finished. Christensen threw himself into Sam both emotionally and physically. He says ‘It was my means of rebelling,” from Star Wars one assumes. He shed 25 pounds on a diet of salad and water, dyed his blond hair black and cobalt blue, and shaved his legs to look as young and sickly as possible. The result was a performance with vulnerability and angst and full-fledged rage, all twined together like a heap if twisted steel. And because Life as a House came out before Attack of the Clones, it was actually Sam in all his Goth glory (piercings, eye shadow), not the falling Jedi Knight, who introduced the actor to the movie going public. He earned a Golden Globe nomination for his work in House, as well as a fair amount of tortured teen credibility. At that point, tortured teens were something of a Christensen specialty. In 2000, the year he got Star Wars, he was living in Vancouver and playing Scott Barringer, a drug addicted, sexually molested teenager on Fox Family’s Higher Ground. When he was summoned to Lucas’ Skywalker Ranch in Northern California for a face-to-face reading with Natalie Portman, he threw up on the ride there. It was his and Portman’s chemistry that the unknown Canadian was the one. “Hayden is immediately appealing, both in person and on screen, because he knows how to balance his strength with his sensitivity,” Lucas emails. “I think he has a great acting career ahead of him.” The filming of Attack of The Clones and then Revenge of the Sith consumed a good five years of Christensen’s life-an eternity in the career of a hot young actor. He tried moving on, focusing on indie films, sharing the stage in London in 2002 with Jake Gyllenhaal in Kenneth Lonergan’s This Is Our Youth, a play about three rich-kid slackers in 1980s New York. Still he could not get away from Star Wars. Boxes of paraphernalia continued to arrive. “They have to send me one of everything produced,” he says. “It’s nuts. The first I opened: ‘Oh that’s cool. A little figurine of me,’ All sorts of lunch boxes, potato chips. I don’t even open them anymore. I had to get storage space because my parents’ basement overcrowded. My mom was like, ‘Enough!’” So when his agent told him about Jumper, he didn’t jump at it. “They said it was sort of science fiction, there was a franchise possibility,” he says. “And I was like, ‘does this really sound like something I’d be keen to do? I was franchise scared.” Then he found out it was being directed by Doug Liman, who has a way of infusing an emotional quotient into the star roles of his big budget action pictures. The first meeting between them was, according to both, like a great first date. Christensen has a farm. Liman has a farm. Christensen was off to a flying lesson that day. Liman is a pilot. The director invited Christensen to his apartment in New York, where they met with Kinberg and with Bell, who’d already been cast. (Liman had begun filming Jumper with Tom Sturridge as the lead, then halted production because Sturridge looked too young for the part, Kinberg says.) Christensen plays Davey, a callow young guy with a sweet, sexy girlfriend (Rachel Bilson) and the secret superpower to ‘jump’ teleport himself anywhere in the world by picturing the place. Thinking he’s the only one with such skils, Davey is blithely breaking into banks and living the high life in Manhattan when one day, a white-afroed Samuel L Jackson (Christensen’s Star Wars costar) shows up and tries to get medieval on his ass. Jackson, part of a jumper secret police, doesn’t want rogue teleporters jumping about. Disrupts the universe, you see. Liman and the crew discussed the script and debated what a jump would look like. “We started improvising, throwing out ideas,” says Christensen. A week later, Liman called and asked him back to do it all again. When Christensen was finally offered the part, the group continued to meet as a collective several times a week. “My character’s way of dealing with things is he doesn’t confront his problems. He’s always avoiding them. One day I was saying to Jamie, ‘My superpower is I can run away from anything.’ And Doug was like, ‘Wait, wait, wait! That’s your character! The fundamental undercurrent.”   It is the perfect superpower for a guy: the ability to literally bail when things get tough. “A very guy thing, yeah.” Christensen says with a laugh. Jumper was the opposite of the closed door ways of Star Wars, where they’re George’s characters,” the actor says. “I was stepping into something preexisting.” Now he was getting to be part of that defining process and he was thrilled. Not that Liman’s defining process is any cake walk. For him, scripts are never finished and actors are ever in discovery mode. Often they’d shoot a scene one way, discuss it, come up with a better idea, and shoot again. This happened whether they were on a soundstage in Toronto or on location in Tokyo, Paris, Prague, London, or Rome, where they got permission to film inside the Colosseum, the first film to do so in decades. Liman is also spontaneous, to the extreme. Driving through Times Square with Bell and Christensen, he decided that it would be good to get them fighting in traffic. So he stopped the van, ordered them out, and manned the camera himself as his starts rolled around on the pavement mid the cars and pedestrians. A good portion of the film has Christensen pummeling himself onto the floor, up against walls. Says Bell, “Hayden was tortured on this movie.” Well, not entirely tortured. Reports are that Christensen and Bilson are dating-there are pictures of her feeding him, of her puppy getting into his Ferarri, of her and Christensen running errands Best Buy-but he refuses to discuss it. What he will say is, “She’s awesome. She’s a very, very beautiful girl. She’s special. She’s one the sweetest, most gentle, kindhearted people I’ve ever met.” Christensen’s Jumper performance may be the one that finally overrides everything else on his resume. “Doug is really good at making guys look cool,” says Kinberg. Liman couldn’t agree more: “I have the reputation for getting just the right actor at the right point in their career. I think people will say I just did it again.” But even a director as self-confident as Liman is no match for the Force. Christensen tells how, on a recent head clearing trip to the Bahamas, he stopped in at a ‘really local, really basic market’. And there on the shelf was an ancient box of cereal with his mug as Anakin in that signature shag. Says Christensen; “I wanted to go up and ask the guy, ‘Are you sure that should still be on the shelf?’”
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theliterateape · 5 years ago
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Hope Idiotic | Part 24
By David Himmel
Hope Idiotic is a serialized novel. Catch each new part every week on Monday and Thursday.
To: [email protected] From: [email protected]<Chuck Keller> Subject: Re: Can You Go Home Again?
Louie, Louie, I’m sorry about Michelle. You gave it a good effort. To answer your question, though I think it was rhetorical or metaphorical, yes. Yes, you can come home again. You should come home again. You can have your place back to yourself if you don’t want to live with me, though I am partial to this place and I have missed you. Things are going well with Lexi. Maybe she’ll let me rent her couch or something.
 Yes. Come home. Neal misses you, too. You can pick right back up. You don’t need that city or that girl. I think I might even have a job for you.
✶ 
WHEN MOST PEOPLE TRAVEL TO LAS VEGAS, they spend a week drinking and gambling and trading venereal diseases with strangers. Maybe they take in a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon. Lou’s week in Vegas was spent interviewing for a job and repairing his house, which had been haphazardly battered and bruised by his best friend and tenant, a recovering alcoholic.
Beyond the garage-door sensors being ripped off, the doorjamb between the kitchen and the garage had been split by Chuck kicking the door open when he returned home too drunk to use a key. The house alarm system had never been activated, but it chirped each time a door opened. When Chuck passed out with the sliding patio door open all night, the incessant chirping eventually woke him, and he tore the system’s keypad from the wall in a drunken rage, leaving it dangling by the wires. The downstairs toilet was cracked into two pieces. Chuck said it happened when he was trying to clean around it—that he must’ve leaned on it too much. But Lou knew it was really because Chuck was too drunk to know what was happening. He must have fallen into it, probably breaking it with his thick skull.
“I’m sorry about the broken house, man,” Chuck said to Lou as they unloaded supplies from Chuck’s car—the one he bought from the repo man for three hundred dollars.
“Not a big deal. But you’re paying for all of it, and you’re going to be my errand bitch until it’s all done. I’d take it out of your security deposit, but you never gave me one.”
“You never asked for one.”
“I should have.”
“I probably wouldn’t have had the money for it anyhow.”
“Valid point.”
For the first time in more than two years, things in Chuck Keller’s and Lou Bergman’s lives were quiet, calm and cool. If it weren’t for the home repairs, they wouldn’t have known what to do with themselves. Chuck went to work, while Lou interviewed for the communications specialist position at Metropolis Grande, Palm Gaming’s multiproperty project—the largest private development ever, which was currently under construction, collected vitamin D on the patio by the pool and puttered around the house making little repairs until his assistant returned at around six o’clock. He didn’t want anyone else knowing he was in town. He didn’t want to have to explain the Michelle thing or discuss the possibility of a move back. Avoidance was now how Lou managed and ultimately eliminated stress.
And on Saturday, he turned thirty years old. Lexi, Natalie and Stephen, and I came to the house for a small barbecue. Lexi had seen the mess Chuck had made of the place and was impressed by how good everything looked.
“Put the last nail into the doorjamb about three minutes before you guys came over,” Chuck said with pride.
“I put the last nail in,” Lou said. “Chuck doesn’t know how to use a hammer.”
We spent the afternoon laughing, eating and telling stories. Natalie made an angel food cake and served it with strawberries, homemade hot fudge and whipped cream—Lou’s favorite dessert.
“How did you know?” he asked her, as she cut him the first piece.
“You three talk about everything. All I had to do was ask Neal.”
“It’s strange, the amount of shit I can store and recall in this mangled brain,” I said.
Without saying anything about it directly, we strengthened the case that Lou needed to move back to Vegas.
By nine, our intimate birthday party was over, and we headed home. Lexi left with us and continued cooing over the baby as Natalie gently strapped him into the car. Chuck and Lou lounged in the plastic Adirondack chairs on the patio. Chuck drank an O’Doul’s beer; Lou nursed a glass of orange juice.
“Oh! I almost forgot!” Chuck jumped up and ran back into the house. He returned a minute later with a gift bag. “Happy thirtieth, man.” Lou reached into the bag; he pulled out a bottle of scotch. “Sorry it’s not something nicer. It’s about all I could afford, but I know you drink it.”
“You shouldn’t be encouraging this. We’ve been doing so well with sobriety this week.”
“You’re welcome anyway. Besides, no one says that you had to stay sober. If anything, you should have an I.V. of that shit hooked up to your veins. A breakup, turning thirty. Red Letter Week for old Lou Bergman.”
 The cockroaches scurried about. Chuck smashed a few with his foot. A few more with an empty bottle.
 “I was too busy installing toilets.”
“Well, that’s done. Have a drink now.”
“Is it okay if I don’t?”
“Whatever man, it’s your birthday.”
“Let’s keep it here and save it for if I get the job and move back.”
“You’re gonna get the job. I already talked to Ling over in their HR department. She loved you. Said you were the best interview she may have ever had with anyone. Just gotta make it official, probably early next week. So, let me be the first to say, Congratulations, inaugural communication specialist for Metropolis Grande.”
“Thanks, buddy. I’m still not sure how this thing will work in this economy, but what do I know of business?”
They raised their beverages toward each other and took a drink. They sat quietly for a while, both of them staring up at the few dim stars they could see among the glow from the Strip. Lou broke the silence.
“Strange.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s not until I’m no longer with Michelle that a real job opportunity presents itself.”
“Yep.”
“I’ve hardly thought about her at all this week. I’m a little surprised that she hasn’t called, but don’t even really care.”
“Feel like a weight has been lifted from you, huh?”
“Yeah. Freedom. I finally understand why the Jewish people get so excited about being freed from bondage. It’s an amazing feeling.”
“Free of the accountability. Free from having to explain your moods.”
“Free from having to exhaust myself trying to act like everything is wonderful.”
“I think this is a good thing for you. Took a while to figure it out, but here you are. And I, for one, couldn’t be happier.”
“This feels good. I’m going back to where I was, but it feels more like a move forward.”
The cockroaches scurried about. Chuck smashed a few with his foot. A few more with an empty bottle.
“I don’t need her, right?” Lou asked. “I mean, everything I was—back when I was something—I did without her. All she did was hurt me. Even when she was being supportive, she’d remind me she was only supporting me because I needed to be supported. Like with money. God, I can’t even count the number of times she’d say, ‘I should be given sainthood for sticking by you through all this.’ Fucking bitch. She didn’t stick by me. She lorded over me.”
“You’ve got every right to be angry,” Chuck said. “But remember, you guys had good times, too. That’s why you stayed with her through all of it.”
“But I was so unhappy through most of it.”
“But you loved her. So there’s that.”
“I don’t think love matters, Chuck. It’s important, sure. But you can love someone with every fiber of your being, and if it doesn’t function, you’re fucked.”
“Like with Lexi.”
“What do you mean?”
“I love her. I mean I really love her. Everything about her. Even the shit I complain about, I love that stuff, too. Because she’s such a good person. It makes me uncomfortable. I’m actually uncomfortable with what a good person my girlfriend is. I feel out of place sometimes. The beer helps, but then, you know, it doesn’t.”
They both laughed knowingly. Lou picked up his shoe that he’d slid off earlier and slapped a roach dead with it.
“Besides, I miss Gina. I still want to be with her. When I think about marriage—which you know I don’t like doing—but when I do think about it, it’s easier for me to picture myself marrying Gina.”
“Come on. Really? Are you sure that’s not just because you can’t have her right now?”
“I thought that was it. But it’s deeper than that. Much deeper. An unfamiliar kind of deep.” He drank the last sip of his O’Doul’s “I’m gonna get another one. Want anything?”
“I’ll try one of those.”
Lou slaughtered maybe twenty or thirty more roaches while Chuck was inside. Let’s be clear: the patio wasn’t filled with roaches because the patio was filthy. Roaches roam the desert night the way mosquitoes swarm the nights of the midwest. Any man with his own pool in need of solace will do this. Another slap of the shoe, two more roaches dead, and Chuck was back. He was holding an envelope along with the two bottles.
“Check it out,” Lou said. “It’s like a roach holocaust out here.” Chuck handed him a bottle of the non-alcoholic O’Doul’s. He took a sip, looked at it and considered its taste. “Not bad.”
“Yeah. Tastes pretty much like beer.”
“Is it any cheaper?”
“Not really.”
“That’s bullshit. There’s no alcohol in here. It’s one less ingredient.”
“It’s the same as a twelve-pack of a regular cola costing the same as a twelve-pack of diet cola.”
“I think that’s bullshit, too.”
Chuck took his seat and handed Lou the envelope. “I wrote her a letter.”
“Who?”
“Gina.”
“This is it?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m supposed to read it?”
“Yeah.”
It was a love letter. Two pages front and back. It was unlike anything Chuck had written before. To Lou, the letter didn’t even sound like Chuck. It sounded like a lovesick poet. These were words that had been living in the most absolute depths of Chuck’s soul for twenty-nine years. They were raw and honest, and they began to make Lou cry.
Chuck had moved across the patio to the other side of the pool. He was sitting on the edge with his legs dipped in the water. He was staring at Lou, watching his reactions from a safe distance. No one likes to read anything when the author is right over their shoulder. And Chuck didn’t want to be so close that Lou felt he had to react a certain way. He knew that his letter was one that required the reader to fall into it completely. Any human distraction would disrupt the spirit.
When Lou finished, he looked up. The friends locked eyes.
“Really?” Lou said.
“Really.”
“It’s like I don’t even know you. But Jesus Christ, you’re beautiful.” He stood and walked to his friend, rolled up his jeans and dipped his legs into the cool pool water, too. The moon was out now, and it cast a gentle white light on either of their faces.
“And you mean all that for Gina?”
“Yeah.”
“You don’t think there’s any emotion in there that came from your feelings for Lexi? That there’s not a single sentence in these four pages that is meant for her?”
“I’ve never written like that until I had Gina in my life, then out of it. But…” he kicked the water, splashing it across its own surface. The new ripples careened into the moonlit nothingness of the water. “I want it to be for Lexi.”
“Maybe you should take a cue from me. Be single. I currently have no relationship problem ’cuz I’m not in a relationship. It’s worked for me well these last few days.”
THEY STAYED OUTSIDE UNTIL A LITTLE AFTER 4 A.M., when Chuck polished off the last of the O’Doul’s. Talking, laughing, the usual. As they picked up the empties and marveled at the incredible number of roach carcasses, Chuck said, “I hope you had a good birthday, buddy.”
“I can say without any doubt that this one was the best. Really. Thank you.”
“I didn’t do much.”
“You did everything. You’re an incredible person, Charles Keller. You really, really are. I mean you still owe me a couple of grand in back rent, but other than that, you’re the most important person to me, Chuck. I love you.”
“If I say I feel the same way, will it just seem like I’m being polite?”
“Yes.”
So, Chuck hugged him instead. Minutes passed.
“I think we’re gonna be okay,” said Chuck.
Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI Part VII Part VIII Part IX Part X Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23
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stevedonnellyfaith-blog · 5 years ago
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Family Gatherings (Post 118) 12-2-15
About two months ago Pam's mother Barb let me know about that Pam's Aunt Patty was planning a family reunion for the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asked us if we would be able to make it down.  I told her we would attend as my social calendar is as empty as the state of Wyoming in a spring snow storm.  I think my next semi-firm appointment is my brother's retirement from the Navy this spring. I don't count the plant Christmas party because really that is business.  
I will probably attend that as well, as my office mate has solemnly promised me that he will not twerk this year.  Several people have offered to provide me with video clips of his outstanding performance last year, but I am a "no twerking none of the time" type of guy.  Anyway I guess I have a few things I will be going to this holiday season, but a trip down to Maryland sounded like a good way for Natalie to get to meet more of Pam's family than she has gotten to see since we migrated back East.
Although Abby had made plans to spend Thanksgiving with her friend Tyler in New York City, she arranged her schedule so that she could catch a bus down to Baltimore on Friday morning.  As usual, she had everything about her week in New York and the transit south to meet up with the rest of the family planned down to a tee.  Nicholas also performed to his consistent level of planning efficiency by forgetting to ask off from work at O'Reilly's Auto Parts but that was serendipitous for me as his oversight freed me from having to kennel the two dogs that my middle children conned me into allowing them to purchase nearly two years ago.  One of the two critters is actually lying on my legs and gnawing on a raw hide product as I am typing.
So everything about the trip to Maryland went smoothly unless you count the text message that I got almost immediately after leaving my Ohio house. It was from Tyler who let me know Abby's schedule because Abby had left her phone accidentally in Tyler's dormitory room and was headed to Baltimore incommunicado - something no normal person has considered doing on purpose since 2005.  Unfortunately for Abby, I had goofed off that morning and slept in late enough so that my vector was trailing her now silent arrival into the greater Baltimore area by several hours.  Luckily, Barb was able to coordinate an effective meetup without the need of cellular communication.  I wasn't all that disturbed as the rendezvous was in broad daylight at the White Marsh park-and-drive which, in no way, resembles the hood.
Stephen, Natalie and I arrived at Barb's house a few hours later to find Abby and Denny, Pam's father, binge watching some type of post zombie apocalypse martial arts cable series of which I had never heard.  Abby had planned to stay at the house with Denny, Barb, Pam's brother and his son.  She wanted to do what she could to cheer up Denny who was recovering from shoulder surgery and has been feeling out of sorts.  In retirement Denny likes to keep busy but physical activity does not mix well with a shoulder sling.  My father-in-law looked quite pleased to have his granddaughter handy for watching what looked to me to be the modern equivalent of a spaghetti western.
The rest of us, on the other hand, were scheduled to stay with Pam's uncle Johnnie, a retired probation officer who lives alone in the old house that his father had built for the family fifty or sixty years previous.  Johnnie gets a kick out of Natalie and Abby, but was quite satisfied to have at least one of them under his roof, which is located about twenty minutes away and within a couple of minutes' drive of the family plot where Pam is buried along with her grandparents.  We met up with Johnnie at one of Pam's sisters' houses located another twenty minutes from Pam's folk's house in another direction entirely.  Pam's Baltimore-centric immediate family does a Friday night post-Thanksgiving left-over pot luck that was quite enjoyable.  Plates cleared, we trailed behind Uncle Johnnie, or UJ as the kids call him, back towards his Hanover, MD abode after the dinner broke up.
I stayed up a while talking with him after Natalie shuffled off to her guest bedroom.  Stephen and I were sleeping in the living room.  I enjoy talking to Johnnie as he and I share many interests.  His politics are more conservative than mine and he prefers the Latin Mass only while I am more Catholic with respect to my Catholic masses, but we both share a love for military history.  With regard to the Civil War, he likes the gentility of the Gray while I prefer the idealism of the Blue.  I am forever a Yankee in all respects other than baseball, but Johnnie and I appreciate each other's opinion.  We also share an unspoken camaraderie as circumstances have turned both of our lives into sometimes lonely but not morose slogs in the footprints of those who have preceded us towards and though the veil to eternal life.
We woke up relatively late, breakfasted and made a quick stop at the cemetery for a visit with Pam and her grandparents before heading to the family reunion on the Eastern Shore of Maryland.  Natalie was pleased that her memorial stones painted as a butterfly and hamburger were still in the same positions on the graves where she had left them in September.  Some poor soul had pilfered the bronze vase from the marker assembly of Pam's grandmother, but Johnnie was already aware of the desecration and seemed resigned to the fact that we live among a generation of grave robbers.  
After a short visit and no tears we began a much longer car trip than I expected to where Barb's other sibling, Patty, now resides.  Her husband, a twice retired cop - formerly a barracks commander for the State Police and then a County Sherriff - has now found work in an unelected second-in-command at the Sherriff's office of a county that is very close to a place called Ocean City that I had heard of but never visited.  I believe that Ocean City is a Maryland equivalent of the Jersey Shore without as much swearing and orange toner.  That might be an inaccurate characterization as I am a rank amateur with respect to Maryland cultural studies.
The journey did include a fly-by of Annapolis, my stomping ground several decades previous, but mostly the drive broke new ground for me.  I am sure that I probably have been across the Bay Bridge - Chesapeake version, but I didn't really remember the road or the scenery.  I did notice a definite improvement in how property was maintained in the towns of the Eastern Shore in comparison with some of the Baltimore neighborhoods we had driven through the previous day.  Things appeared conservatively well-kept if not crazy wealthy and the drive was a pleasant one.  I was just glad that the reunion was not planned for the summer as there seemed to be only one main drag, Route 50, which probably would be grossly inadequate for the onslaught of weekend beachcombers if we were visiting in the last days of July instead of the final November weekend.
Once we arrived, we enjoyed the party although we found the festivities slightly divided along family lines as many reunions tend to be.  Patty's relatives tended to congregate in the living room and sun room of the house, while her husband's relations mostly conversed in the kitchen and family room.  It was a natural division and an amicable one.  I had joined the family over a quarter century pervious and had encountered a couple of Scott's extended family members less than a handful of times.  
I caught up with the lives of those few that I knew, but mostly played wingman for Johnnie when I wasn't conversing with Abby.  Natalie played with the pack of collective kiddies, while Stephen wandered around the yard which had little bit of a beachhead on a creek-side location that let into a river then into the Chesapeake and eventually into the Atlantic. I was disappointed not to catch of whiff of salt marsh, an odor that evokes my seafaring days.  Unfortunately, this property was more inland and manicured like a golf-course in a tasteful and charming sort of way.  Perhaps Copperopolis, Round Valley and Muir Wood has spoiled me so that I can now only appreciate the breathtaking.  Ohio fall forest colors does fit the bill, though.
While we were frittering through the afternoon in small talk over light snacks, I did catch a bad vibe from Johnnie.  The nexus of his discomfort seemed to be the respective spouses of the brother and sister who had been the flower girl and ring bearer at my wedding what seems like eons ago.  To my eye both had married well.  The ring bearer had picked up the tools of the family trade, a badge and pistol of some sort.  His spouse was a pretty blonde whose slim waist seemed in congruent with her three rug rats that I could see pictured in the family portrait on the coffee table next to where we sat.  His sister had married a nice looking young man that was thoroughly balding but pretty athletic for a posture that was probably pushing thirty-five. I watched him pitch whiffle balls to his two pre-school aged sons alternately.  The younger one was a tiger. 
I didn't see the problem, so Johnnie explained the issue.  Both the spouses were atheists and none of the kids had been baptized.  Under closer observation, I noticed that neither of the spouses really smiled or enjoyed other people. Maybe they were put off by being tertiary participants in a family gathering that didn't interest them, but they seemed to be alone within a large group of joyous people. It is possible that other people were thinking the same thoughts about me, but their separation seemed to be palpably different, and I considered adding the two of them to my prayer list, but I didn't know their names.  Johnnie couldn't provide them, he said that he had never been introduced in the half decade since the two joined the family.  Evidently, both the flower girl and ring bearer live quite close to Johnnie, but there is no contact between them. I expect that UJ is the Godfather of both of them as he is to one of my children.
 The separation seemed strange and disheartening to the both of us.  Both of the little families had raised high bulwarks to prevent any possible intrusion of Jesus Christ. I expect that someday and unforeseen tragedy will visit them in their purposefully insular worlds and they will discover that their walls bricked to keep out Our Savior will unfortunately form a bathtub of pain for them to marinate in.  Neither Johnnie, Jesus nor I are satisfied with that situation, but we respect and disagree with their choices as responsible adults.  
I am not a particularly good prayer warrior, but I do plan to spend some time praying for something to innocuously breach the walls of their atheistic aquaria.  Advent seems like an excellent time to affix our eyes on a better outcome for whatever relatives and friends we have that have chosen problematic paths that are currently orientated away from True North.
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aswadwrites41-blog · 7 years ago
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Sarcastic Quotes And Sayings
https://www.aswadwrites.in/sarcastic-quotes/
Sarcastic Quotes And Sayings
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If you carry contempt for or mock something, the use of words that say something else but mean the other, then this is sarcasm. In other phrases, you are the usage of irony to do it. I guess, better than defining what’s sarcasm. Must I permit the subsequent listing of sarcastic quotes do the talking? Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old sarcasm quotes, sarcasm sayings, and sarcasm proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.
Sarcastic Quotes
Sarcastic Quotes About Love
This is what happened in love. One of you cried a lot and then both of you grew sarcastic. ~ Lorrie Moore
The consumer isn’t a moron; she is your wife. ~ David Ogilvy
Martyrdom: The only way a man can become famous without ability. ~ George Bernard Shaw
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it. ~ Clarence Darrow
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. ~ Steven Wright
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. ~ P. J. O’Rourke
If life gives you lemons, then be thankful for it. I have been getting only the peels for as long as I can remember! ~ Anonymous Feared
No, no, no. I’m not insulting you. I’m just describing you. ~ Anonymous
Marriage is a bliss for people who aren’t in it. ~ Anonymous
Read: 20+ Beautiful Heart Touching Quotes Collection
I asked you for some lunch money, and you gave me a dollar? Your benevolence always touches my soul! ~ Anonymous
Oh, come on! I am not being sarcastic with you. You really sing well… In fact, you sing better than the wretched crows in my neighborhood! Damn those crows… ~ Anonymous
If a stranger offers you a piece of candy, take two. ~ Anonymous
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~ Groucho Marx
You’d be in good shape if you ran as much as your mouth. ~ Anonymous
Types of People Eye Roll and Heart Eyes I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. ~ Oscar Wilde
Sarcastic Quotes About Love
Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either. ~ Anonymous
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. ~ Sacha Guitry
Sarcastic Quotes About Fake People
Shocked thick guy using modern technology Baby Girl getting a Shot Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have. ~ Anonymous
Many wealthy people are little more than janitors of their possessions. ~ Frank Lloyd Wright
Not all women are annoying. Some are dead. ~ Anonymous
This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door. ~ Anonymous
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. ~ Billy Connolly
If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction. ~ Anonymous
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately, it kills all its students! ~ Robin Williams
When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark. ~ Anonymous
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late. ~ Max Kauffmann
Check: Incredible Sad Status For Whatsapp
If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, then don’t ask a stupid question. ~ Anonymous
I can be quite sarcastic when I’m in the mood. ~ J.D. Salinger
Like good wine, marriage gets better with age – once you learn to keep a cork in it. ~ Gene Perret
It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married. ~ Robert Frost
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your back pocket. ~ Will Rogers
I am in full possession of the amazing power of being sarcastic. ~ Sarah Rees Brennan
I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time? ~ Anonymous
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? ~ Anonymous
Sarcastic Quotes About Fake People
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. ~ Anonymous
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. ~ Will Rogers
Sarcastic Quotes About Life Lessons
He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. ~ Forrest Tucker
Handsome gangster Portrait of a surprised cat breed Scottish Fold It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I’m really quite busy. ~ Anonymous
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. ~ Drew Carey
You can be whatever you want; however, in your case, you should probably aim low. ~ Anonymous
Life is like a roller coaster, and I’m about to throw up. ~ Anonymous
I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. ~ Sam Kinison
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. ~ Steven Wright
It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying. ~ Anonymous
Check: Attitude Quotes And Status (Latest Collection)
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ~ Mark Twain
I love deadlines, I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. ~ Anonymous
I’m a man of leisure. That’s because I have an English degree and can’t get a job. ~ Jarod Kintz
I’ll always cherish the original misconception I had of you. ~ Anonymous
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. ~ Anonymous
You know there’s just one more thing to need to do after you crack a joke… Tickle the other person! ~ Anonymous
I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t. ~ Patrick Murray
Why would someone who has an average life expectancy of 75 years, get married when he is 29? ~ Anonymous
Sarcastic Quotes About Life Lessons
Tell me… Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted? ~ Anonymous
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I are not sure about the universe. ~ Albert Einstein
Sarcastic Quotes On Life Facts
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here. ~ Stephen Bishop
Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse! ~ Groucho Marx
Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter. ~ Cecilia Egan
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell. ~ Joan Crawford
Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. ~ Woody Allen
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. ~ Erma Bombeck
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. ~ Groucho Marx
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. ~ Woody Allen
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. ~ Henny Youngman
You’re not that lucky and I’m not that desperate! ~ Anonymous
Read: Sad Quotes About Life
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? ~ Groucho Marx
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby. ~ Natalie Wood
If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out. ~ Lawrence Ferlinghetti
Marriage is given and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. ~ Joey Adams
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It’s called marriage. ~ James Holt McGavran
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people. ~ Oscar Wilde
Sarcastic Quotes On Life Facts
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. ~ Sir Winston Churchill
Do not worry about your difficulties in mathematics, I can assure you that mine are all greater. ~ Albert Einstein
Sarcastic Quotes About Annoying People
“Well, my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.”
“I’ve got a good heart but this mouth…”
“Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues.”
“Me pretending to listen should be enough for you.”
“If you’re waiting for me to give a shit, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be while.”
“Ugliness can be fixed, stupidity is forever.”
“Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.”
“Are you always this retarded or are you making a special effort today?”
“You’d be in good shape… if you run as much as your mouth.”
“If karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will.”
“Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.”
“Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.”
“You always do me a favor, when you shut up!”
“Tell me how I have upset you because I want to know how to do it again.”
“I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane.”
“Sure I’ll help you out… the same way you came in.”
“Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.”
“I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
“Think I am sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care!”
Check: Good Morning Quotes
“My friends are so much cooler than yours. They’re invisible.”
“If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.”
“You sound better with your mouth closed.”
“If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.”
“I’m smiling… that alone should scare you.”
“If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever.”
Sarcastic Quotes About Annoying People
“If I promise to miss you, will you go away?”
“I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter.”
“Thank you for leaving my side when I was alone. I realized I can do so much without you.”
Sarcastic Quotes About Relationships
“Fighting with me is like being in the Special Olympics. You may win, but in the end, you’re still a retard.”
“Well, at least your mom thinks you’re pretty.”
“My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.”
“Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.”
“Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
“I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.”
“I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed.”
Read: Top 50 Best Collection of Funny Whatsapp Status
“I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.”
“Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal.”
“Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”
“I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
“That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.”
“Life’s good, you should get one.”
“No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.”
“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest!”
“I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.”
“Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested.”
“Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.”
“I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.”
“I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Sarcastic Quotes About Relationships
“Sarcasm: Helping the intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.”
“Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.”
“People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.”
Sarcastic Quotes About Work
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright
“When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”
“It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”
“You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.”
“Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.”
“If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.”
“I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.”
“Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?”
“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”
“If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.”
“Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.”
“If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.”
“I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.”
Check: Good Status For Whatsapp
“I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.”
“I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”
“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.”
“Sarcasm – the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.”
“Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.”
“Yet despite the look on my face… you are still talking.”
“Find your patience before I lose mine.”
“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”
“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
Sarcastic Quotes About Work
“Sarcasm: because arguing with stupid people just wouldn’t be as much fun.”
“If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”
“My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.”
“Let’s share… You’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin.”
Related Posts
Alone Quotes And Lonely Feelings
50+ Meaningful Quotes For You
Latest Collection of Whatsapp Status Love 2018
Whatsapp Status About Life In English
100+ Whatsapp Friendship Status
#WhatsappStatus #WhatsappLoveStatus #WhatsappSadStatus #LoveStatus #SadStatus #WhatsappStatusHindi #AttitudeStatusHindi #Shayari #LoveShayari #SadShayari #MeaningfulQuotes #EmotionalStatus
0 notes
ramosjuniorus-blog · 7 years ago
Text
Sarcastic Quotes And Sayings
https://www.aswadwrites.in/sarcastic-quotes/
Sarcastic Quotes And Sayings
If you carry contempt for or mock something, the use of words that say something else but mean the other, then this is sarcasm. In other phrases, you are the usage of irony to do it. I guess, better than defining what’s sarcasm. Must I permit the subsequent listing of sarcastic quotes do the talking? Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old sarcasm quotes, sarcasm sayings, and sarcasm proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.
Sarcastic Quotes
Sarcastic Quotes About Love
This is what happened in love. One of you cried a lot and then both of you grew sarcastic. ~ Lorrie Moore
The consumer isn’t a moron; she is your wife. ~ David Ogilvy
Martyrdom: The only way a man can become famous without ability. ~ George Bernard Shaw
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it. ~ Clarence Darrow
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. ~ Steven Wright
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. ~ P. J. O’Rourke
If life gives you lemons, then be thankful for it. I have been getting only the peels for as long as I can remember! ~ Anonymous Feared
No, no, no. I’m not insulting you. I’m just describing you. ~ Anonymous
Marriage is a bliss for people who aren’t in it. ~ Anonymous
Read: 20+ Beautiful Heart Touching Quotes Collection
I asked you for some lunch money, and you gave me a dollar? Your benevolence always touches my soul! ~ Anonymous
Oh, come on! I am not being sarcastic with you. You really sing well… In fact, you sing better than the wretched crows in my neighborhood! Damn those crows… ~ Anonymous
If a stranger offers you a piece of candy, take two. ~ Anonymous
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~ Groucho Marx
You’d be in good shape if you ran as much as your mouth. ~ Anonymous
Types of People Eye Roll and Heart Eyes I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. ~ Oscar Wilde
Sarcastic Quotes About Love
Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either. ~ Anonymous
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. ~ Sacha Guitry
Sarcastic Quotes About Fake People
Shocked thick guy using modern technology Baby Girl getting a Shot Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have. ~ Anonymous
Many wealthy people are little more than janitors of their possessions. ~ Frank Lloyd Wright
Not all women are annoying. Some are dead. ~ Anonymous
This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door. ~ Anonymous
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. ~ Billy Connolly
If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction. ~ Anonymous
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately, it kills all its students! ~ Robin Williams
When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark. ~ Anonymous
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late. ~ Max Kauffmann
Check: Incredible Sad Status For Whatsapp
If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, then don’t ask a stupid question. ~ Anonymous
I can be quite sarcastic when I’m in the mood. ~ J.D. Salinger
Like good wine, marriage gets better with age – once you learn to keep a cork in it. ~ Gene Perret
It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married. ~ Robert Frost
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your back pocket. ~ Will Rogers
I am in full possession of the amazing power of being sarcastic. ~ Sarah Rees Brennan
I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time? ~ Anonymous
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? ~ Anonymous
Sarcastic Quotes About Fake People
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. ~ Anonymous
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. ~ Will Rogers
Sarcastic Quotes About Life Lessons
He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. ~ Forrest Tucker
Handsome gangster Portrait of a surprised cat breed Scottish Fold It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I’m really quite busy. ~ Anonymous
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. ~ Drew Carey
You can be whatever you want; however, in your case, you should probably aim low. ~ Anonymous
Life is like a roller coaster, and I’m about to throw up. ~ Anonymous
I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. ~ Sam Kinison
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. ~ Steven Wright
It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying. ~ Anonymous
Check: Attitude Quotes And Status (Latest Collection)
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ~ Mark Twain
I love deadlines, I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. ~ Anonymous
I’m a man of leisure. That’s because I have an English degree and can’t get a job. ~ Jarod Kintz
I’ll always cherish the original misconception I had of you. ~ Anonymous
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. ~ Anonymous
You know there’s just one more thing to need to do after you crack a joke… Tickle the other person! ~ Anonymous
I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t. ~ Patrick Murray
Why would someone who has an average life expectancy of 75 years, get married when he is 29? ~ Anonymous
Sarcastic Quotes About Life Lessons
Tell me… Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted? ~ Anonymous
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I are not sure about the universe. ~ Albert Einstein
Sarcastic Quotes On Life Facts
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here. ~ Stephen Bishop
Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse! ~ Groucho Marx
Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter. ~ Cecilia Egan
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell. ~ Joan Crawford
Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. ~ Woody Allen
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. ~ Erma Bombeck
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. ~ Groucho Marx
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. ~ Woody Allen
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. ~ Henny Youngman
You’re not that lucky and I’m not that desperate! ~ Anonymous
Read: Sad Quotes About Life
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? ~ Groucho Marx
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby. ~ Natalie Wood
If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out. ~ Lawrence Ferlinghetti
Marriage is given and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. ~ Joey Adams
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It’s called marriage. ~ James Holt McGavran
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people. ~ Oscar Wilde
Sarcastic Quotes On Life Facts
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. ~ Sir Winston Churchill
Do not worry about your difficulties in mathematics, I can assure you that mine are all greater. ~ Albert Einstein
Sarcastic Quotes About Annoying People
“Well, my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.”
“I’ve got a good heart but this mouth…”
“Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues.”
“Me pretending to listen should be enough for you.”
“If you’re waiting for me to give a shit, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be while.”
“Ugliness can be fixed, stupidity is forever.”
“Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.”
“Are you always this retarded or are you making a special effort today?”
“You’d be in good shape… if you run as much as your mouth.”
“If karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will.”
“Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.”
“Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.”
“You always do me a favor, when you shut up!”
“Tell me how I have upset you because I want to know how to do it again.”
“I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane.”
“Sure I’ll help you out… the same way you came in.”
“Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.”
“I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
“Think I am sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care!”
Check: Good Morning Quotes
“My friends are so much cooler than yours. They’re invisible.”
“If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.”
“You sound better with your mouth closed.”
“If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.”
“I’m smiling… that alone should scare you.”
“If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever.”
Sarcastic Quotes About Annoying People
“If I promise to miss you, will you go away?”
“I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter.”
“Thank you for leaving my side when I was alone. I realized I can do so much without you.”
Sarcastic Quotes About Relationships
“Fighting with me is like being in the Special Olympics. You may win, but in the end, you’re still a retard.”
“Well, at least your mom thinks you’re pretty.”
“My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.”
“Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.”
“Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
“I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.”
“I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed.”
Read: Top 50 Best Collection of Funny Whatsapp Status
“I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.”
“Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal.”
“Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”
“I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
“That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.”
“Life’s good, you should get one.”
“No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.”
“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest!”
“I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.”
“Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested.”
“Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.”
“I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.”
“I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Sarcastic Quotes About Relationships
“Sarcasm: Helping the intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.”
“Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.”
“People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.”
Sarcastic Quotes About Work
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright
“When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”
“It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”
“You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.”
“Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.”
“If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.”
“I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.”
“Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?”
“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”
“If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.”
“Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.”
“If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.”
“I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.”
Check: Good Status For Whatsapp
“I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.”
“I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”
“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.”
“Sarcasm – the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.”
“Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.”
“Yet despite the look on my face… you are still talking.”
“Find your patience before I lose mine.”
“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”
“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
Sarcastic Quotes About Work
“Sarcasm: because arguing with stupid people just wouldn’t be as much fun.”
“If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”
“My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.”
“Let’s share… You’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin.”
Related Posts
Alone Quotes And Lonely Feelings
50+ Meaningful Quotes For You
Latest Collection of Whatsapp Status Love 2018
Whatsapp Status About Life In English
100+ Whatsapp Friendship Status
#WhatsappStatus #WhatsappLoveStatus #WhatsappSadStatus #LoveStatus #SadStatus #WhatsappStatusHindi #AttitudeStatusHindi #Shayari #LoveShayari #SadShayari #MeaningfulQuotes #EmotionalStatus
0 notes
ahmerjohnny-blog · 7 years ago
Text
Sarcastic Quotes And Sayings
https://www.aswadwrites.in/sarcastic-quotes/
Sarcastic Quotes And Sayings
If you carry contempt for or mock something, the use of words that say something else but mean the other, then this is sarcasm. In other phrases, you are the usage of irony to do it. I guess, better than defining what’s sarcasm. Must I permit the subsequent listing of sarcastic quotes do the talking? Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old sarcasm quotes, sarcasm sayings, and sarcasm proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.
Sarcastic Quotes
Sarcastic Quotes About Love
This is what happened in love. One of you cried a lot and then both of you grew sarcastic. ~ Lorrie Moore
The consumer isn’t a moron; she is your wife. ~ David Ogilvy
Martyrdom: The only way a man can become famous without ability. ~ George Bernard Shaw
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it. ~ Clarence Darrow
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. ~ Steven Wright
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. ~ P. J. O’Rourke
If life gives you lemons, then be thankful for it. I have been getting only the peels for as long as I can remember! ~ Anonymous Feared
No, no, no. I’m not insulting you. I’m just describing you. ~ Anonymous
Marriage is a bliss for people who aren’t in it. ~ Anonymous
Read: 20+ Beautiful Heart Touching Quotes Collection
I asked you for some lunch money, and you gave me a dollar? Your benevolence always touches my soul! ~ Anonymous
Oh, come on! I am not being sarcastic with you. You really sing well… In fact, you sing better than the wretched crows in my neighborhood! Damn those crows… ~ Anonymous
If a stranger offers you a piece of candy, take two. ~ Anonymous
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~ Groucho Marx
You’d be in good shape if you ran as much as your mouth. ~ Anonymous
Types of People Eye Roll and Heart Eyes I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. ~ Oscar Wilde
Sarcastic Quotes About Love
Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either. ~ Anonymous
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. ~ Sacha Guitry
Sarcastic Quotes About Fake People
Shocked thick guy using modern technology Baby Girl getting a Shot Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have. ~ Anonymous
Many wealthy people are little more than janitors of their possessions. ~ Frank Lloyd Wright
Not all women are annoying. Some are dead. ~ Anonymous
This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door. ~ Anonymous
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. ~ Billy Connolly
If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction. ~ Anonymous
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately, it kills all its students! ~ Robin Williams
When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark. ~ Anonymous
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late. ~ Max Kauffmann
Check: Incredible Sad Status For Whatsapp
If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, then don’t ask a stupid question. ~ Anonymous
I can be quite sarcastic when I’m in the mood. ~ J.D. Salinger
Like good wine, marriage gets better with age – once you learn to keep a cork in it. ~ Gene Perret
It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married. ~ Robert Frost
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your back pocket. ~ Will Rogers
I am in full possession of the amazing power of being sarcastic. ~ Sarah Rees Brennan
I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time? ~ Anonymous
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? ~ Anonymous
Sarcastic Quotes About Fake People
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. ~ Anonymous
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. ~ Will Rogers
Sarcastic Quotes About Life Lessons
He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. ~ Forrest Tucker
Handsome gangster Portrait of a surprised cat breed Scottish Fold It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I’m really quite busy. ~ Anonymous
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. ~ Drew Carey
You can be whatever you want; however, in your case, you should probably aim low. ~ Anonymous
Life is like a roller coaster, and I’m about to throw up. ~ Anonymous
I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. ~ Sam Kinison
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. ~ Steven Wright
It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying. ~ Anonymous
Check: Attitude Quotes And Status (Latest Collection)
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ~ Mark Twain
I love deadlines, I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. ~ Anonymous
I’m a man of leisure. That’s because I have an English degree and can’t get a job. ~ Jarod Kintz
I’ll always cherish the original misconception I had of you. ~ Anonymous
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. ~ Anonymous
You know there’s just one more thing to need to do after you crack a joke… Tickle the other person! ~ Anonymous
I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t. ~ Patrick Murray
Why would someone who has an average life expectancy of 75 years, get married when he is 29? ~ Anonymous
Sarcastic Quotes About Life Lessons
Tell me… Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted? ~ Anonymous
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I are not sure about the universe. ~ Albert Einstein
Sarcastic Quotes On Life Facts
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here. ~ Stephen Bishop
Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse! ~ Groucho Marx
Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter. ~ Cecilia Egan
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell. ~ Joan Crawford
Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. ~ Woody Allen
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. ~ Erma Bombeck
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. ~ Groucho Marx
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. ~ Woody Allen
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. ~ Henny Youngman
You’re not that lucky and I’m not that desperate! ~ Anonymous
Read: Sad Quotes About Life
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? ~ Groucho Marx
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby. ~ Natalie Wood
If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out. ~ Lawrence Ferlinghetti
Marriage is given and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. ~ Joey Adams
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It’s called marriage. ~ James Holt McGavran
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people. ~ Oscar Wilde
Sarcastic Quotes On Life Facts
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. ~ Sir Winston Churchill
Do not worry about your difficulties in mathematics, I can assure you that mine are all greater. ~ Albert Einstein
Sarcastic Quotes About Annoying People
“Well, my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.”
“I’ve got a good heart but this mouth…”
“Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues.”
“Me pretending to listen should be enough for you.”
“If you’re waiting for me to give a shit, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be while.”
“Ugliness can be fixed, stupidity is forever.”
“Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.”
“Are you always this retarded or are you making a special effort today?”
“You’d be in good shape… if you run as much as your mouth.”
“If karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will.”
“Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.”
“Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.”
“You always do me a favor, when you shut up!”
“Tell me how I have upset you because I want to know how to do it again.”
“I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane.”
“Sure I’ll help you out… the same way you came in.”
“Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.”
“I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
“Think I am sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care!”
Check: Good Morning Quotes
“My friends are so much cooler than yours. They’re invisible.”
“If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.”
“You sound better with your mouth closed.”
“If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.”
“I’m smiling… that alone should scare you.”
“If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever.”
Sarcastic Quotes About Annoying People
“If I promise to miss you, will you go away?”
“I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter.”
“Thank you for leaving my side when I was alone. I realized I can do so much without you.”
Sarcastic Quotes About Relationships
“Fighting with me is like being in the Special Olympics. You may win, but in the end, you’re still a retard.”
“Well, at least your mom thinks you’re pretty.”
“My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.”
“Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.”
“Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
“I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.”
“I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed.”
Read: Top 50 Best Collection of Funny Whatsapp Status
“I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.”
“Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal.”
“Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”
“I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
“That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.”
“Life’s good, you should get one.”
“No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.”
“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest!”
“I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.”
“Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested.”
“Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.”
“I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.”
“I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Sarcastic Quotes About Relationships
“Sarcasm: Helping the intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.”
“Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.”
“People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.”
Sarcastic Quotes About Work
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright
“When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”
“It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”
“You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.”
“Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.”
“If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.”
“I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.”
“Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?”
“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”
“If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.”
“Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.”
“If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.”
“I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.”
Check: Good Status For Whatsapp
“I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.”
“I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”
“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.”
“Sarcasm – the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.”
“Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.”
“Yet despite the look on my face… you are still talking.”
“Find your patience before I lose mine.”
“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”
“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
Sarcastic Quotes About Work
“Sarcasm: because arguing with stupid people just wouldn’t be as much fun.”
“If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”
“My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.”
“Let’s share… You’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin.”
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imjustthemechanic · 6 years ago
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Natalie Jones and the Golden Ship
Part 1/? - A Meeting at the Palace Part 2/? - Curry Talk Part 3/? - Princess Sitamun Part 4/? - Not At Rest Part 5/? - Dead Men Tell no Tales Part 6/? - Sitamun Rises Again Part 7/? - The Curse of Madame Desrosiers Part 8/? - Sabotage at Guedelon Part 9/? - A Miracle Part 10/? - Desrosiers’ Elixir Part 11/? - Athens in October Part 12/? - The Man in Black Part 13/? - Mr. Neustadt Part 14/? - The Other Side of the Story Part 15/? - A Favour Part 16/? - A Knock on the Window Part 17/? - Sir Stephen and Buckeye Part 18/? - Books of Alchemy Part 19/? - The Answers
Desrosiers tells her story, and makes a promise.
Natasha had so many questions she wanted to ask, she wasn’t sure where to begin.  Fortunately, Sharon was there – she’d brought her digital recorder, and she had a procedure for questioning, inherited from her police work.
“Let’s start at the beginning,” she said, turning the recorder on.  “What’s your name?”
That shouldn’t have been a difficult question, but Desrosiers looked like she had no idea how to answer it.
“The one you were born with,” Natasha suggested.  “Neustadt said you were Perenelle Flamel.  Is that your real name?”
“No,” Desrosiers sighed.  “No, my name is…” she paused, thinking about it.  “The modern equivalent would be Phuong.  I was an alchemist at the court of Chungsuk – the Yuan let women study alchemy, but by that time it was a bit of a dying art.  The old masters who’d sought the secrets of nature were gone, and all that were left were a bunch of herb-grinders.”  Her voice was wistful.  Natasha didn’t know as much East Asian history as she did European and American, but she suspected anybody talking in that tone about Mongol-ruled Korea was looking through very rose-tinted glasses indeed.
“I went travelling to look for somebody who could teach me more,” Desrosiers went on, “but in China there was just more of the same.  The old immortals were dead or in hiding, and the living alchemists were herbalists who knew what to do but not why they did it.  I was told that further west there were nothing but demons and barbarians, but I went on with the silk traders to see for myself.  Turned out there weren’t any demons, just people… as if those aren’t bad enough,” she snorted.
Sam had snorted, too, and quickly amused himself.  “Sorry, I’m just amused by the idea of somebody from the East coming west to search for forgotten wisdom.  Go on.”
“It took years, but I found my way to Europe, and there were finally people who still wanted to know the secrets of how the universe worked,” Desrosiers said.  “I met Nicolas in Paris, and he was the first to agree to teach me, despite me being a foreigner and a woman.  The two of us decoded the book and created the Philosopher’s Stone together.”
“Did you marry him for his money?” asked Nat.
Desrosiers glared at her.  “I married him because he and I respected each other!  We had two children,” she added.  “I haven’t seen either of them in seventy years but they always turn up sooner or later.  Then Nicolas, who could have lived forever, was murdered for the key, but he had enough warning to hide it in the mummy case.  I have spent a hundred and fifty years trying to get that mummy back so I could destroy the key, and now it’s in the hands of Neustadt!”  She looked at the six members of the CAAP as if this were their personal fault.
“And who is Neustadt?” asked Natasha.  “That’s the only name anybody’s used for him.  Who is he and how old is he?”
“You really haven’t figured that out?  He left me a note signed with his initials.  You were here, you must have seen it.”
Nat recalled the post-it, which had seemed to end in mid-sentence: missed me in.  Missed me was a statement in itself, so the initials must be I. N.  N obviously stood for Neustadt – she really should have recognized that at once – so I must be his given name, and Neue Stadt was German for…
“New Town,” said Natasha out loud.  God damn.  They’d talked about him, they’d used the name, and she’d never made the connection!
One by one, the others figured it out as well.  “You have to be kidding,” said Sam.  “Are you telling us that the man we talked to in the restaurant yesterday was the immortal Sir Isaac Newton?”
“Yes,” said Desrosiers.  “That is exactly what I’m telling you.”
Natasha looked around at her companions, and found them all stunned and unsure of how to respond to this.  She wasn’t sure, herself – was this good news or bad?  It was nice to know who they were fighting, but it was a man who’d gone down in history as one of it’s greatest geniuses.  That might not bode well.
“Okay.”  She took a deep breath.  “Assuming that Newton did steal the mummy and now has the key, he’s obviously going to decode the book and make the Philosopher’s Stone.  What does he want it for?”  She knew what answer she expected, but it was probably best to make sure.
“That’s the trouble,” said Desrosiers.  “Most people would be happy to just make themselves fantastically wealthy and go home, but Neustadt thinks he can transmute his own body and become a god or something.  I’ve never understood his ramblings – frankly, I don’t think he ever recovered from his bout of mercury poisoning.  But it doesn’t matter,” she added, sitting up straighter.  “Whatever he wants to use it for, the Philosopher’s Stone is incredibly dangerous.  If you just follow the instructions in the book, you get a reactor of enormous power that cannot be controlled – it was only by good luck that Nicolas and I didn’t destroy ourselves in our first test!  By the second we had figured out what precautions we had to take to contain it, but history is littered with people who have not been so lucky.”
“Like who?” asked Nat.
“Perhaps you’ve heard of Thira, the volcano that’s supposed to have inspired the legend of Atlantis?” asked Desrosiers.
“Santorini,” Nat said.  Where this Maslanko fellow lived.
“That was no eruption, just a fool who made the Philosopher’s Sone and couldn’t keep it contained,” Desrosiers told them.  “I’ve been there, and I recognize the signs.  Or perhaps Tunguska, in the early 20th century?”
“That’s supposed to have been a meteor,” Sam objected.
“Yes, and they’ve had to come up with ever-more-contrived explanations for why they’ve never found a part of it,” said Desrosiers.  “That was Rasputin, and it was lucky for him that he wasn’t in his laboratory when his apprentices got it started!  Not lucky for the Russian royal family, of course,” she added.  “If Neustadt tries to make the stone the same thing will happen, a blast equal to several nuclear bombs.  In the political climate we’re in that could start a war, depending on who takes the credit or the blame, and it will doubtless cause devastation no matter where he sets it off, and if he’s dead because he jumped into the fool thing, he won’t be able to do anything about it!”
No wonder she didn’t like sharing this information, Nat thought.
“So why don’t you just tell him that?” asked Sam, who was generally the group’s voice of common sense.
“I have.  He doesn’t believe me,” said Desrosiers.  “He thinks I’m just trying to keep him from becoming a god.”
“You were pretty selfish about your healing bacteria back there,” Sam pointed out.
“I healed your friend,” Desrosiers protested.
“You could heal millions of other people, but you don’t,” said Sam.
“It would become something people fight over, and I don’t want that,” said Desrosiers.  “I would rather nobody have it than it be the sole property of the rich, or parents refuse it to their children because it’s not natural.”
Both those possibilities actually seemed worryingly likely, but that was beside the point right now.  “Newton told us to go to Montenegro to get something he left there,” she said.  “What is it?” “I don’t know,” said Desrosiers.  “He’s got things stashed all over Europe and northern Africa, but I’m really not so interested in him as he thinks I am.  Unlike him, I have better things to do than feud.”
Nat didn’t think that was quite true, either – the two of them certainly took great pains not to be like one another, in philosophy, in dress, in claimed nationality, and anything else imaginable.  “If he’s left Athens, where will he go?  He mentioned Australia.”
“I doubt he’s ever been to Australia,” said Desrosiers, “but it wouldn’t surprise me if he has friends there.  He’s always liked having criminals as followers, because if they don’t do what he likes he can simply turn them in.  Some of them could easily have been transported.”
“Why should we believe you over him?” asked Sharon.
“Because unlike him, I am telling the truth,” Desrosiers insisted.  “You saw me heal your friend!  Why would I have done that if I had any but the best of intentions?”
“Maybe to keep us quiet,” said Nat.  “Maybe to bribe us.  Maybe your bacteria will take over his body and make him your zombie slave.”
“You’re impossible,” Desrosiers groaned.
Clint raised his hand.  “I just want to say that I am not on board with the zombie slave plan,” he said.
“All I wanted was knowledge,” said Desrosiers.  “I wanted, and I still want, to know the deepest secrets of how the universe and the body work.  I’ve never wanted wealth.  If I did, I would have it.  If I wanted to kill you, I could have done so, but I saved his life instead.  What more do you need from me?”
“You obviously wanted immortality, too,” said Nat.  “I mean… you’re still alive.”
“Nobody wants to die,” said Desrosiers.  “Even those who think they do.  Attempted suicides who survive always talk about how they realized in their last moments that death was not the answer.  I’m no different from anyone else that way.”
“Neither am I,” said Jim.  He must have felt that he’d waited long enough through everybody’s questions and it was now his turn – he gently pushed his way to the front of the small group, and stood there a moment trying to figure out what to do with himself.  He looked like he might bend down to look Desrosiers in the eye, but then he changed his mind and straightened up again, folding his arms over his chest for a moment before deciding against that, too, and letting them hang down at his sides.  “Can you help me?” he asked.
Desrosiers looked him over.  “You’re just like the rest?” she asked.  “Quickly made and quickly discarded?  He hasn’t done anything special with you?”
“Not that I know of,” said Jim.  “I want to live, too.”
“I suppose you do,” Desrosiers said.  “The organism duplicates everything in the original DNA, and that will include your survival instincts.  Very well, I’ll try my best, but you have to let me go back to my own hotel and prepare some things, without following me or being watched.  I don’t trust you.  It’s not personal,” she added, “I don’t trust anybody.”
“If we don’t follow or watch you, how do we know you’ll come back?” asked Nat.
“You have my word,” said Desrosiers.  “That’s all I can offer.”
“What if you were to leave something valuable of your own with us?” Sir Stephen suggested.  “Something you must come back for?”
“Such as?” she asked.
“Your passport,” Nat suggested.  A French citizen would be able to travel around the EU without it, but it was still a valuable document.
Desrosiers thought about it.  “All right, I can do that.  It’s in my purse – if you’ll free my hands, please.”
Somewhat reluctantly, Sharon unlocked the handcuffs, and Desrosiers found her passport and gave it to Nat.  It was an ordinary French one, with a dark red cover and the words Union Européenne; République Française on it.  When Nat opened it, the information inside described the holder as Helene Desrosiers, age thirty-seven, born in Seoul.  It was a fake, of course – anybody who wanted to live forever would have to know how to get fake ID – but it was a very well-done one.  Hopefully getting another copy would be enough of a headache that Desrosiers would prefer to come back for this one.
“All right,” said Nat.  “Go.”
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imjustthemechanic · 6 years ago
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Natalie Jones and the Golden Ship
Part 1/? - A Meeting at the Palace Part 2/? - Curry Talk
As long as everybody’s together, they decide to hang out a little.  It goes pretty well, mostly.
Once they’d given Clint his badge, which appeared to delight him, and told him about their date with the mummy, the group decided they should take this opportunity to have lunch and spend some time together.  Nat worried that there was no way six people would be able to agree on a restaurant, but Clint’s suggestion quickly carried the day.
“How about one of the Asian places in Whitechapel?” he asked.
“I could go for Indian food,” Natasha said.  It wasn’t something she had very often.
“It’s not my own favourite,” Clint added, “but I asked Laura if she wanted me to bring her anything back from London, and she asked for some real curry spices from Brick Lane Market.  The stuff you buy in bags from Tesco is no good at all.”
Allen grinned.  “Well, if your pregnant wife wants curry, I say we go get her some curry!”  His memories weren’t real, and he knew that, but Natasha also knew that they seemed real to him.  It made her wonder what he remembered his wife Kathy craving when she was carrying Natasha.
So with their cars safely parked in the palace garages, they took the tube to Brick Lane, and ended up at City Spice, a well-lit Bangladeshi restaurant with red and white walls.  It smelled wonderfully of ginger and onions, and they sat down at a round table to a meal of kebabs, naan bread, and vegetable bhaji.
“How are your studies going?” Allen asked Sir Stephen.
“Slowly,” Sir Stephen replied with a sigh.  “History has always interested me and I’m having no trouble with that, but the quantity of mathematics people are expected to know is simply absurd!  When will I ever need to calculate the hypotenuse of a triangle?”
“Probably never,” said Sam.  “I don’t think I’ve done it since undergrad.”
At the same time as this conversation, Natasha was talking to Clint.  “Do you know yet if the baby’s a boy or a girl?” she asked him.
“Hmm?” he asked, mouth full of naan.  Clint was partially deaf, especially on the left, and if he wasn’t looking at somebody he often missed what that person was saying – even if he were wearing his hearing aids.
“The baby,” Nat repeated, a little louder.  “Boy or girl?”
“Oh!”  He chewed and swallowed.  “It’s a boy!  If it was a girl we were going to call her Natalie, so this one’s going to be Nathaniel.”
This was so unexpected that it actually took Nat a moment to realize what was surprising about it, and then a chill ran over her.  “You’re naming him after me?” she asked, astonished.  Nobody had ever made such a gesture towards her.  She’d never even dreamed that anyone would do such a thing.  It was the type of honour Natasha Romanov simply didn’t deserve.
Allen had overheard, and he was delighted.  “Congratulations!” he said.
“You’re the one who was lying there grabbing at the Grail and shouting that we were all going to be okay,” Clint explained to Nat.  “If anything got me my memory back outside of me just wanting it really badly, that was it.”
“Well, thank you,” said Nat uncomfortably.  She felt like she really ought to say something else, but couldn’t imagine what it would be.  What she wanted was to protest that she didn’t deserve it, and that this innocent unborn child deserved better than to be saddled with the name of someone who’d done far more harm in the world than good.  That was no way to accept a compliment, though, so she just took a big bite of lamb off her kebab so she wouldn’t have to say anything more right away.”
“Are you two planning to have kids?” Clint asked, pointing from Sharon to Sir Stephen and then at Sharon again.
The two of them looked at each other, and Sir Stephen turned a bit red while Sharon burst out giggling at his embarrassment.
“We’re not yet married,” Sir Stephen protested.
“That doesn’t matter to some people,” Clint pointed out.
“I know!  Marriage is not as sacred as it once was,” said Sir Stephen, “but I will hold it so.”
“He just doesn’t want to have to confess it to the priest every single week,” Sharon teased.  “Anyway, I don’t know if I want to have children before I make Chief Inspector.  When I was a girl everybody was always telling me I’d have babies someday, but nobody ever told me I’d be a detective.”
“She does enjoy doing the opposite of what people say,” Sir Stephen said affectionately.  ���Even myself.”
“Especially yourself.”  Sharon poked him in the nose.  “Anyway, Natalie – I wanted to ask earlier, but did the Egyptians actually put curses on their tombs?  Or is that just an urban legend?”
Nat’s mouth was full, and she had to finish chewing before she could answer.  She washed her bhaji down with a drink of water and said, “not really.  At least, not any worse than Shakespeare’s.”
“Shakespeare’s tomb has a curse?”  Allen was surprised.
“It sure does,” she said, and recited: “good friend, for Jesus’ sake forbeare, to digg the dust encloased heare.  Blese be ye man yt spares thes stones, and curst be he yt moves my bones.”
Allen was startled.  “Does it work?” he asked.
“I don’t know, nobody’s ever dug him up to check,” said Nat.  “I think the Egyptians probably wrote some similar things on their tombs, although I’d have to look it up to be sure.  I know there were a couple of accidents that happened to Howard Carter’s people when they opened the tomb of King Tut.  On the other hand, archaeology was dangerous back then and they weren’t very careful, and Carter himself lived to be sixty-five, so I doubt there was anything to it.  It just makes a good story.”
“So you’re trying to reassure us that the mummy won’t get up and start breaking necks,” said Sam.
Natasha shrugged.  She wanted to say that no, it wouldn’t, that she didn’t believe in that sort of thing, and that perpetrating such stories made Egypt sound like a fairytale kingdom instead of a perfectly ordinary country with an impressive past and some very serious modern problems.  And yet, after the Battle of the Tower, when the world had found itself confronted with the Holy Grail, the Loch Ness Monster, and a variety of other mythology come to life… she no longer felt qualified to say what was real and what wasn’t.  She doubted anybody was.
“I certainly hope not,” she snorted.  Making a joke out of it would hopefully help.
“If it does,” Sir Stephen mused, “how shall we stop it?  We found the two witches to help us shake the goblin Zola.  How does one break a mummy’s curse?”
“I imagine a flamethrower would do the trick,” said Nat.
Allen snickered for a moment, then stopped himself, unsure if she were joking or not.
A waiter stopped by to ask them how their meal was.  They assured him it was great, and Clint took the opportunity to ask about the best place to buy spices.  The waiter started to recommend some brands, but then Clint mentioned it was for his pregnant wife.  Hearing that, the man pulled a page off his order pad and wrote the name and address of a shopkeeper on it, along with a guide to what it ask for and how to pronounce it.
“That’s where I went for mandaputtu when my wife was expecting our daughter,” he said, handing the page to Clint.
“Thanks,” said Clint.  “Much appreciated.”
Clint was the first to bid the others namaste and leave the table, to get his shopping done before catching the train home.  The others drifted away one by one, until there were only two left.  One was Natasha, who wanted to finish up the shatkora Sharon had tried but decided she didn’t like.  The other was Allen, who had ordered a beer and was drinking it slowly, so he’d still be able to drive home.
“So what’s been keeping you busy?” he asked Nat.
“The usual stuff,” she said.  “I’m teaching two classes this term, and I’m working on a paper about how King William had to alter the original plans for the Tower of London to get the Grail in there.  I’m not dating or anything, and I’m not doing field work, so I doubt it’s anything you’d be interested in.”  Did he think her silence meant she was hiding something?  She hoped not, because she really wasn’t.  She didn’t answer his emails because there didn’t seem much to say.
“I am interested, though,” Allen said.  “It doesn’t have to be anything world-shaking.  All I do when I email is tell stories from work and things like that.  I just like to hear from you.”
Nat shrugged again.  “Do you?  Or do you want to hear what your daughter would have said?”
“No.  I want to hear from you,” said Allen.  “I know you’re not the daughter I remember.  I want to know who you are.”  He wasn’t upset at all, just gently encouraging.
That was the problem, Natasha thought.  She wasn’t used to letting people get to know her.  She’d been trained to keep herself bottled up, to never get close to people lest they compromise her dedication to the task at hand.  When she did communicate, it was essential information only.  That was one thing her students remarked on when they did those professor evaluation surveys: she was very focused and sometimes had to be asked to slow down and give more detail.  She wanted to treat Allen like her father, but it was hard.
“I don’t do it on purpose,” she said.  “I just… I don’t know how to do that.”  Even being that honest was uncomfortable for her.
“Then you should practice,” he said.  “If you feel like you need something to talk about, why don’t you tell me about your life?  Where you grew up, how you ended up here?”
He was trying to help, but he really wasn’t.  “You wouldn’t want to hear it,” she said.  “I told you, it’s not a nice story.”
What Natasha would have liked, actually, was to learn what he thought her life had been like.  What memories did he have of her as a child, or of his wife?  These things hadn’t really happened, and yet Nat was curious what forms they took in his memory.  She’d never asked, though, and she didn’t plan to do so no matter how tempting it was.  Whatever he told her would be a lie.  Her truth would only hurt him, but his lies would make her miserable thinking of the life she could have had.  She’d had enough lies.
“You told me an ugly truth is better than a beautiful lie,” said Allen.
She had said that.  It had been on her mind at the time.  “Sometimes it might be better to have neither,” Nat replied.
“Then what are we supposed to talk about?” Allen asked.
“I don’t think we have to talk at all,” said Nat.  “Families don’t always talk to each other.  We could do something together instead.”  That seemed much easier, much better for not scaring anybody off or boring anybody to tears.  “Why don’t we go to the Victoria and Albert Museum?  I doubt we’ll get to look at the mummy while it’s being shipped, so let’s go see it while it’s still here.”  She was curious about it anyway.
Allen didn’t look happy with that, but he nodded.  “All right.  Let me finish my drink.”
As they left the restaurant a few minutes later, Nat decided she owed Allen an apology.  “I’m sorry, Dad,” she said.  It still felt weird calling him that, but she was working on it, trying to force it to be natural.  “I’m not used to this.  I’m trying, I promise.”
“I believe you, Ginger Snap,” Allen said gently.  “You can take all the time you need.”
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imjustthemechanic · 6 years ago
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Natalie Jones and the Golden Ship
Part 1/? - A Meeting at the Palace Part 2/? - Curry Talk Part 3/? - Princess Sitamun
Operation Move the Mummy gets underway, and Natasha meets a rather intriguing man on the train.
It was nearly a month later, towards the end of October with the weather unseasonably cold, when the CAAP gathered again at Folkestone.  They arrived in time to see the coffin of Sitamun loaded onto the train to go through the Chunnel.
There wasn’t very much to see.  When Nat and Allen had gone to the museum, the coffin had been on display inside a temperature-controlled glass case with guards on either side of it.  It was one of the most precious things in the entire collection, some thirty-five hundred years old and carved from a single enormous block of alabaster.  The hieroglyphics that decorated the outside were gilded and inlaid with semi-precious stones, and even in the dim lighting and surrounded by other priceless artefacts, it was breathtaking.
The mummy inside hadn’t fared as well as its container.  Princess Sitamun had been unwrapped at a Victorian party, and her various custodians over the years had kept her in attics, garden sheds, and even a smoking lounge before the museum finally got charge of her.  Rather than being black and leathery, like mummies were supposed to, she was grayish-brown and covered with frayed cracks, like fake leather that had been left out in the elements.  Conservators in Egypt were eager to have a look at her, hoping that their expertise and their country’s dry climate could stop her deteriorating any further.
None of this was visible from the train station in Folkestone, though.  Sitamun and her magnificent sarcophagus had been carefully packed up in an enormous crate that was now being lifted, very slowly and gently, by a crane.  A few reporters were taking pictures while more men waited nervously on the platform to guide the load into the cargo car.
“I wouldn’t like to be any of those guys,” Clint observed as they stood on a balcony to watch.  “The Post said the mummy’s insured for sixty million pounds.  No pressure, huh?”
“Does the insurance cover curses?” asked Sam.  “Or is that just how the company’s planning to get out of paying if anything happens?”
Sharon, always ready to look things up, was reading something on her phone.  “It better,” she said, “because according to Wikipedia this particular mummy is extremely cursed.”
“Really?”  Sam leaned to look over her shoulder.
“Yeah.  They’ve got a whole list of victims here,” Sharon said, her thumb flicking as she scrolled down.  “Okay, so after it was stolen from Egypt by Napoleon’s troops in 1799, the mummy was brought to England in the 1840’s by a guy called Nicolas Desrosiers.  He suddenly died a week later, and the mummy disappeared, but it turned up again in 1865 in the collection of a guy named Sir Richard Hart.  He announced he would be putting it on display, then fell from a horse and broke his neck the very next day.”
“It didn’t kill anybody in the twenty years in between,” Sam observed.
“Yeah, but then it made up for lost time,” said Sharon.  “Hart left the mummy to his daughter Evelyn, who died in childbirth the next year, along with her infant son.  It then belonged to her husband, who’s supposed to have choked to death on a grape.  He left it to his brother, who had a heart attack at the funeral, and his widow was so scared of it she immediately sold it to another collector, who developed a gambling addiction, bet the mummy and lost, and hanged himself.  The guy who won it from him supposedly had his house burn down and the coffin was the only thing that survived the fire.  By 1900 it was supposed to have killed over twenty people and its last owner donated it to the museum.  It didn’t do him any good, since he was mugged and shot the day after.”
“Yikes,” said Allen.
“How much of that is true?” Natasha asked.  Wikipedia, after all, was something anyone could edit.
“I have no idea,” said Sharon.  “A lot of these people have their own articles so they must have really existed, and it looks like none of them after Hart owned the mummy longer than ten years before something awful happened.”
“Life was short and dangerous back then,” Nat pointed out.
“It was indeed,” Sir Stephen agreed.  “Particularly for women.  The Abbess at Rogsey told me once that for a woman to bear a child required more courage than for a knight to go into battle, for the risk to her life was greater.”  Nobody else was looking in the right direction, but Natasha saw him put a hand on Sharon’s back.
“What about the museum?” asked Nat.  “It’s had her more than a century.  Did anything happen there?”
“Looks like no,” said Sharon.  “The list ends there.  So if there’s a curse, I guess it’s only invoked when the mummy is privately owned.”
“I guess I wouldn’t want anyone showing off my corpse, either,” said Sam.
Very slowly, the crane set the crate containing the coffin down on the train car.  Men moved in to strap it down.  The guy who’d been running the crane stepped down out of the cab, tottering as if he were about to fall over.  A co-worker clapped him on the back, shook his hand, and handed him a bottle of beer.
That was the CAAP’s cue to leave their vantage point and board the passenger cars.  They grabbed their coats and carry-ons, and headed down the stairs.
“Even if the mummy does decide to get up and cause trouble, it’ll have a hard time getting out of its coffin with all those crates and straps around it,” Sam observed as they descended.
“In movies mummies don’t tend to care about those things,” said Nat.  “I’d be more worried that if she tries she’ll just disintegrate.  She looked in pretty bad shape when Allen and I saw her.”
On the platform, the group split in two to board the train.  Sir Stephen, Sharon, and Sam went on the car behind the mummy, while Nat, Clint, and Allen were on the one in front.  Other than them, the cars were almost empty.  No commuters or vacation-goers were allowed on this train, just the mummy and a variety of specialists, guards, and conservators who were there to look after it, and a few reporters who’d gotten special permission from the museums in both London and Cairo to cover the move.
People weren’t normally allowed weapons of any sort on the Chunnel trains, but the guards had guns, and Sharon’s police revolver was in its holster under her jacket.  Clint had also brought his archery equipment, having upgraded from Robin Hood’s medieval longbow to a modern Hoyt Buffalo.  He settled down in a window seat, and put the bow and quiver next to him.
“New arrows,” Allen realized, pointing to them.  Clint used several different types all identifiable to the touch by the texture of the fletching.  Today there were several unfamiliar types.
“Yeah, I hit up those kids at Shrivenham for some more of the trick ones,” Clint said.  “At first I figured exploding arrows would take care of a mummy, no trouble, but then I remembered we’re gonna be in a tunnel under the ocean.  You don’t want a fire in there.  So instead, I got these.”  He pulled one out and held it up, showing a capsule of something in place of a head.  “Liquid nitrogen.  It’ll freeze the mummy solid, and we can just smash it.”
“Smart,” said Natasha, nodding.  “Although the Egyptians will never forgive us.”  She and Allen sat down in the row behind Clint.
“They’ll still get their coffin back,” said Clint.  “That’s the expensive part.  I also got this, for the boat ride.”  The mummy, train car and all, would be loaded on a cargo ship for the journey from Istanbul to Cairo.  Clint showed them an arrow with a fishhook tip.
“What’s that?” Nat asked.
“A fishing arrow, obviously!” said Clint.  “You fire it into the water, and when something bites, it’s got a line to reel it back in!”
Natasha laughed.  “You really think you’re gonna use that?” she asked.
“I don’t know, but it’s damn cool,” Clint replied, sliding it back into his quiver.
A couple more people got on board, including one man who came and took a seat right across the aisle from Natasha and Allen.  He was in his thirties, with blue eyes and short brown hair, and a bit of beard stubble.  He was wearing a blue jacket and carrying a sports bag, and he put both of them into the overhead compartment before sitting down and leaning across the aisle to talk to Natasha.
“You’re Dr. Jones, right?” he asked.  His accent was American.
“Yes, that’s me,” said Nat.
The man offered a hand.  “I’m Jim Barnes from the New York Times.  I’m covering the story.”
“Nice to meet you,” Natasha said guardedly.  Internally she was bracing herself.  Reporters who talked to her were interested in one of two things – either her past as a spy, or, in the last week or so, the story of Sitamun’s curse.
“They’re talking about this all the way to New York?” asked Allen.
“They sure are,” said Barnes.  “We’ve got a lot of Egyptian stuff in the Museum of Natural History and in the Met, and people are worried we’ll be expected to do the same kind of ‘gesture’ for Egypt as the Brits are.  The Bugle had a headline demanding to know if we’ll have to send back Cleopatra’s Needle next.”
“I don’t know anything about that,” Natasha said.  “I’m an archaeologist, not a politician.”
“Mm-hm.”  Barnes pulled out a digital recorder.  “Well, would you mind telling me, as an archaeologist, who was Princess Sitamun and how she ended up in England?  I figure that’s a way more interesting and education angle on this than any of the curse stuff or the politics.”
Nat relaxed a little.  “Sure,” she said.   “Although I’m not an Egyptologist, so this is just what I’ve managed to learn from textbooks and the people at the V&A.”
“That’s all right,” said Barnes.  “Tell me.”
As the train pulled out of the station and headed into the yawning mouth of the Chunnel, Nat decided to begin at the beginning.  “Well,” she said, “Sitamun was the daughter of a pharaoh of the seventeenth dynasty, around 1580 BCE.  We don’t know very much about her.  She married her brother Ahmose, who was supposed to be next in line for the throne, but she died before he was crowned…”
Barnes seemed honestly interested in what she was telling him, asking questions and nodding along – but halfway through her impromptu lecture, she heard snoring, and looked over to see that Clint had fallen asleep.
“Am I that dull?” asked Nat.
“No, you’re not.”  Barnes touched her arm and smiled at her.  “Not at all.  Keep talking.”
As they rumbled along in the dark, Nat found herself wondering what Sir Stephen, Sharon, and Sam were doing or talking about in the car ahead.  Sir Stephen would probably be interested in the Chunnel – among the first things he’d commented on about the future was what ingenious engineers the people here were.  The idea of a tunnel under the English Channel was one he’d probably find both impressive and terrifying, since it theoretically left the islands open to invasion from the mainland.  That had been one of the main objections to building it, since the idea was first proposed in the nineteenth century.
“So if you don’t believe in mummy curses,” Barnes said, “what are you doing here?  Because that’s what all the tabloids are talking about – the UK government is so scared of the mummy’s curse they sent along the people who defeated Totenkopf.”
Nat sighed.  “We’re a precaution,” she said.  “They’re just trying to plan for everything.”
“Are you going all the way to Egypt?” Jim asked next.
“We’re planning to,” she said.  “All the way to meet Dr. Mostafa in Cairo.”
Barnes nodded.  “I’ve been to Cairo before, actually,” he said, giving her a cockeyed smile.  “I know a couple of places there.  Maybe once we arrive and you’re done with your mummy-sitting and I’m done with my article-writing, you could come and have a drink with me?”
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imjustthemechanic · 6 years ago
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Natalie Jones and the Golden Ship
Part 1/? - A Meeting at the Palace Part 2/? - Curry Talk Part 3/? - Princess Sitamun Part 4/? - Not At Rest Part 5/? - Dead Men Tell no Tales Part 6/? - Sitamun Rises Again Part 7/? - The Curse of Madame Desrosiers Part 8/? - Sabotage at Guedelon Part 9/? - A Miracle Part 10/? - Desrosiers’ Elixir Part 11/? - Athens in October Part 12/? - The Man in Black Part 13/? - Mr. Neustadt Part 14/? - The Other Side of the Story
Neustadt has answers for everything, which is a bit worrying in itself.
Nat might not have been able to place the name Perenelle, but she knew Flamel at once, and so did her colleagues.
“Flamel?” asked Sam.  “You mean, like Nicolas Flamel from Harry Potter?”
Neustadt chuckled.  “The very same.  You thought they made him up, didn’t you?”
“Nicolas Flamel was a French scribe and bookseller in the late fourteenth and early fifteenth century,” said Natasha, hoping to make the rest of them look knowledgeable by association.  “He married a wealthy woman named Perenelle whose past is unknown.  They endowed several churches, and each have a street in Paris named after them.  They weren’t fictional characters, but they’re not spoken of as alchemists until the seventeenth century.”  She met Neustadt’s eyes, waiting for his reaction.
He seemed pleased.  “Nick did that himself,” he said.  “He figured his original identity had been ‘dead’ long enough that he could publish his writings and not be accused of heresy or witchcraft. He thought the beginning of natural philosophy meant alchemy could be brought out of the shadows and taught to the masses, though Nelle didn’t think much of the idea. She didn’t believe ordinary people could handle that kind of knowledge and the power it would give them.”  Neustadt pondered for a moment.  “That’s probably why she killed him.”
Nat glanced at Clint, and found him with his hand under the hem of his t-shirt again, rubbing at his injury with his thumb.
“So what was in the secret compartment in the mummy case?” Nat asked.  How much would Neustadt be willing to tell them?
“The key,” he replied.
“The key to where?” asked Sharon.
“Oh, not to a door,” Neustadt said.  “The key to the book.  It contains instructions for decoding the Book of Hermes that tells you how to create the philosopher’s stone.”
Nat cocked her head and frowned.  “Don’t you already know that?” she asked.  “I mean, you and Desrosiers are both still alive after seven centuries. Seems to me you don’t need instructions anymore.”
“Well, we’re not really immortal,” said Desrosiers.  “We can postpone our aging to stay alive indefinitely, but that’s not the same.  Push us off a cliff and we’ll still go splat at the bottom.  That’s mere medicine, though – it has nothing to do with the philosopher’s stone.  The real philosopher’s stone is the transmutation of matter.”
“Making gold,” said Sharon.
“Gold, or anything else you please,” said Neustadt.  “Nelle’s been trying to get the key since she realized Nick hid it in the sarcophagus, a hundred and fifty years ago.  First she murdered him, and then his next apprentice.  She never liked him having apprentices.  I wonder sometimes why I was the one lucky enough to get out alive.  I’ve been living the last century in Australia, hoping she wouldn’t find me there, and if you think Athens is hot in October, you’ve never been to Penrith!”
Desrosiers had implied that somebody else had stolen the mummy and murdered the people who’d supposedly fallen victim to the curse, and Nat had assumed she meant Neustadt – Neustadt himself seemed to think that was what she’d told them. Now he was telling them that she’d done it all.  The very fact that he was willing to talk about it, whereas Desrosiers hadn’t been, made Nat want to side with Neustadt, but she remained guarded. This was, after all, almost certainly the man who’d created the homunculi.
“What does she want with the philosopher’s stone?” asked Nat.
“To make something, obviously,” Neustadt said.  “That’s what the stone does.  It can turn dung into diamonds, or gravel into grain.  Whatever you like.”
“How does it do that?” asked Nat.  Desrosiers had suggested that alchemy was a form of science, and it certainly didn’t resemble the magic they’d encountered at the hands of the Red Death. What did that leave?
“The same way the heart of a star makes heavy elements from hydrogen,” Neustadt replied.  “Through nuclear fusion and sometimes through fission, whichever is needed.  It’s a very powerful device, and a very dangerous one. Nelle has one of only three remaining copies of the Book of Hermes that I’m aware of.  I have the second, and the last is in a collection in America, being pored over by ‘experts’ who have no idea where to start.  Now that Nelle’s taken the mummy, she has the only remaining copy of the key, and I’m afraid she’s going to destroy it.”
That made sense, Nat realized.  There was no good reason why anybody would steal an ancient mummy and a priceless sarcophagus only to destroy them – but a book was different.  Objects like mummies and art were only valuable when they were intact, but the value of knowledge often lay in people not having it.  As a spy, Nat was intimately familiar with that.
“Then she probably already has,” she observed.  “What difference does it make?”
“Well, it would be a tragic loss of the secrets Nick himself wanted to make more widely known,” Neustadt explained.  “As I said: he’d come to believe that humanity as a whole had a right to this information.  If anyone could make gold, the rich would be no better than the poor.  If there were enough wealth and life for everybody, we could all stop toiling in the mud and make art, explore science, devote ourselves to God, whatever we wished!  He saw an end to all human suffering, a new Garden of Eden.  Nelle disagreed.”
That was worryingly plausible.  Desrosiers had healed Clint, but she’d been very defensive and secretive about it. Sam had told her that she could save countless lives and she hadn’t been the least bit interested.
“Just to be clear,” Sharon said, “you’re telling us that Desrosiers has murdered twenty people to get the mummy back, and now she’s stolen and destroyed it. She did this all by herself.”
Neustadt shrugged.  “I didn’t see her do it,” he admitted, “but I’m sure she did – probably by poison.  She’s always been interested in the biology of alchemy more than the physics, and she’s a master of poisons.”
“What about the homunculi?” Sir Stephen asked, and jabbed a finger at Jim, sitting across from him.
“What about the… what?” asked Jim, startled.
Sir Stephen continued talking to Neustadt.  “Madame Desrosiers said you made beings like him by using her healing elixir, but you must have a model for them.  Who was it, and how did you come upon him?”
“First of all, it’s not Nelle’s elixir,” said Neustadt.  “I believe it was Von Hohenheim – Paracelsus – who created it, though it wouldn’t surprise me if she took the credit.  And the model was nobody, just some corpse in a glacier.  I don’t know who he was or where he came from. He must already have been dead for centuries when I found his mortal remains.  I didn’t want homunculi anybody would recognize, so I considered his discovery a gift from God.”
“Just a sec, back up,” Jim said, but everybody ignored him.
“The homunculi are no threat to you,” Neustadt added.  “They only live for a couple of weeks, and they only know what I tell them they know.”
“But what about…” Jim began.
“One was a pretty big threat to me at Guedelon!” protested Clint.  “He stabbed me and he didn’t even apologize!”
“Because it thought you were protecting Nelle,” said Neustadt.  “If I get another opportunity to try to recover the key, I will warn them not to bother you.  I don’t like unnecessary casualties... unlike some people.”
“Guys!” Jim insisted.  “Can I get a word in here?”
“You be silent,” Neustadt ordered him.
Nat felt a bit sorry for Jim being shouted down repeatedly, and she didn’t envy whoever was going to have to explain to him what he was, but they had more questions they needed answering.  “There were at least two of him at the train robbery,” she said to Neustadt.  “Why were they there, if Perenelle was the one who took the mummy?”
“Because I sent them to retrieve the key before she could get it,” Neustadt said. “None of them made it back to me, and then the mummy turned up in pieces in a ditch, with the key gone.  I’m sorry if they did you any other harm.  Like I said, it won’t happen again.”
Nat looked at Sharon, who nodded – that was a confession.  Even if somebody else had subsequently re-stolen it, Neustadt was the one who’d arranged the theft of the mummy.
“Everybody, shut up!” Jim shouted desperately.
Silence fell over the table as they all turned to look at him.
“What’s going on?” he asked, looking around at them with his eyes darting back and forth like a frightened animal.  “What… what do you think’s going to happen to me?”
Neustadt sighed.  “Sorry about him.  I can shut him down if you like.”
“What?”  Jim pushed his chair back from the table.
“What do you mean, shut him down?” Nat asked.
“They’ve got a kill switch of sorts.”  Neustadt put a hand on his neck, with the fingers under the edge of his jaw.  “Pressure to the hyoid bone, here and here, and they disintegrate.”
Nat recalled that one homunculus had fallen apart when Allen yanked a gas mask off it, another when Natasha had threatened strangulation… but for the moment the solution to that mystery was less important than the fact that Neustadt was reaching to grab Jim by the neck.  Jim’s eyes were bulging in horror, but he looked oddly incapable of doing anything about it.
“Stop!” ordered Sir Stephen.
Neustadt withdrew his hand, but he looked unimpressed.  “Don’t be like that,” he said.  “They’re not people – they only think they are because I tell them so. Only God can give a man a soul.” He rapped on the side of Jim’s head with two fingers.  “The lights may appear to be on, but nobody’s home in there.”
Jim swatted Neustadt’s hand aside, and Nat felt sorry for him again.  He looked very pale, confused and frightened.
“All the same, I would prefer not to see him harmed,” said Sir Stephen.  “He looks very much like a dear old friend of mine.”
“Oh, I see,” said Neustadt.  “My apologies, then.  I’ll wait until you’ve gone.”  He finished his glass of wine and set it down again.  “Now… since I’ve told you all that,” he added, “I was hoping you might help me with something in return.”
Of course, Natasha thought, nodding to herself.  Neustadt hadn’t told them all that for nothing.  “Help with what?” she asked.
“With some perilous archaeology!” he replied with a smile.  “What else?”
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imjustthemechanic · 7 years ago
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The Stone Knight
Part 1/? - Two Statues Part 2/? - A Curious Interview Part 3/? - John Doe Part 4/? - Escape Attempt Part 5/? - Making the News Part 6/? - Fallout Part 7/? - More Impossible Part 8/? - The Shield Thieves Part 9/? - Reality Sinks In Part 10/? - Preparing a Quest Part 11/? - The Marvelous History of Sir Stephen Part 12/? - Uninvited Guests
Because clearly what our heroes need at this point is more nasty surprises.
Natasha had met Dr. Yancy Hughes once or twice at university events, and had seen her on the news when she was interviewed in connection with the criminal cases she'd worked on. The woman's maiden name was Chandraprakesh, and she joked that she'd married a man named Hughes deliberately to get rid of it. She was tiny and plump, with dark skin and thick black hair that made her pale green eyes all the more striking.
When the party arried, Dr. Hughes was in her lab giving some students advice on electrophoresis gels. She looked up and smiled at her guests and said, “forget something?”
“I'm sorry?” asked Nat.
“Well, you're back,” Dr. Hughes pointed out.
Nat could feel her stomach sink clear down to her toes. “Was I already here?” she asked. She'd seen Zola take her shape in Inverness. There was no reason why he couldn't do it again.
“Yeah, about twenty minutes ago,” said Dr. Hughes, confused. “Are you okay?”
“Didn't I tell you to ask me for ID?” Nat asked.
“I did!” Dr. Hughes said. “You showed me your driver's permit! It had the little chip on it and everything.”
Nat felt cold. Why hadn't she specified the type of identification? “That would be my Scotland driver's permit?” she asked. Those had a chip in them, like a credit card.
“Yes...” said Dr. Hughes uncertainly. Her students had set their gels down and were watching, curious what was going on.
Natasha pulled a passport-sized booklet out of her purse. “I'm a foreign resident on a teaching visa,” she said, opening the booklet to . “I travel constsantly. I have an international permit, not a Scottish one!”
“Then why did you show me a Scottish one?” asked Dr. Hughes.
“Because that wasn't me!” Nat said.
“It looked like you!” Dr. Hughes protested. “You had ID!”
“Never mind,” Natasha decided. If she tried to explain Dr. Hughes would probably think she was crazy. “Twenty minutes ago, you said. Did you give me the shield?”
“Of course not. Just a sample,” Dr. Hughes said, thoroughly confused. “You said you needed one to get a date from, and you took it from behind the big metal bit in the centre so that it wouldn't...” she stopped talking when she saw her guests' horrified expressions. “Well, where were you planning to take it from? That's the only spot that we can be sure doesn't have any blood on it.”
She didn't even have to explain, Nat thought. Hughes already thought she was crazy. She turned to her companions. “Spread out,” she ordered. “Look for... he won't be me anymore.” How did you recognize a shapeshifter? “Look for anybody suspicious. If you meet with another of our party and you're not sure it's really who it appears to be, the code word will be Volgograd.”
“Got it,” Carter nodded.
“Wait!” Dr. Hughes protested, as they all headed for the door again. “What's going on?”
“We don't know,” Nat replied, which was in a large measure still entirely honest.
At the front door of the Life Sciences building they split up. Carter crossed the street to check around Belmont Flats. Dr. Wilson went to circle the building, Sir Stephen went south to try the car park there, and Nat headed north to check the other lot, outside the Institute of Sport and Exercise. There were three rows of cars there, with three or four people currently getting in or out, or looking for something in the boot. Nat ran up and down the rows, checking back seats and looking at each person and what they were carrying. She got some odd stares, but didn't find anything.
Of course she didn't. Zola had been smart. He'd only taken what he needed, rather than the whole shield, and there was absolutely no reason why he should continue using Nat's appearance after he had what he'd come for. Any one of these people might be him, or they might all be totally uninvolved. Once he was gone, there was no way to ever find him again, and he had a twenty minute head start. He could be halfway to Ediburgh by now.
Several people were staring at Natasha from various corners of the car park. A young woman, all dressed up for some special occasion in a sky-blue sari that kept blowing in her face. A tall man in a dark suit and green tie, frowning in deep disapproval of whatever it was he thought she was doing. A couple of students who had just gotten out of their car, looking worried that they might have done something wrong. Nat sighed, gave them a halfhearted wave, and turned to trudge back to the Life Sciences building.
Dr. Hughes was waiting there. “I had a look around the building,” she said. “Some people said they'd seen you come and go earlier, but nobody saw anything they thought was weird.”
“Password,” Nat prompted.
“Huh? Oh. Volgograd,” said Hughes. “Seriously, what's happening here? Do you have an evil twin or something?”
“Would you believe me if I said yes?” asked Nat.
Hughes thought about it for a few moments. “Maybe?” she admitted.
The others drifted back, one by one, and each gave the password when Natasha demnded. They all looked deeply disheartened, and none of them had found a thing.
“We don't even know who to look for,” Carter said. “He could be anybody.”
“Um... I'm sorry?” Dr. Hughes offered. “Is there anything I can do to help?”
“Not really,” Nat said. “Don't worry about it, it's not your fault. As far as you knew, you were giving it to me. I mean, I had ID and everything, right?” Technically, Dr. Hughes hadn't done anything wrong.
“I guess,” Dr. Hughes said uncertainly, and Nat knew it was going to spend days trying to think of what she could have done differently. Natasha didn't like seeing people feel guilty for things that weren't their fault – that was a waste of guilt in a world where people who did do awful things did them without a qualm.
The group went back to their car, but instead of getting in they stood there leaning on the vehicle, trying to figure out what to do next. This time, it was Dr. Wilson who took charge.
“All right, Sir Steve,” he said. “You obviously had to see this map at some point. What did it look like? Where did you think it was leading you?”
Could they figure out where the Grail was based on a verbal description of the map? That seemed unlikely – after all, at the time Sir Stephen had been turned to stone, or whatever it was that had happened, he still hadn't found it despite having the map itself.
“It was engraved on the back of a piece of blue-green stone, the upper surface of which was carved as an Egyptian scarab,” Sir Stephen explained. “Or so its keeper told me, at least. I do not personally know what sort of beetles they have in Egypt. Has anyone a quill and some vellum?”
Carter passed him a pen and a notepad without a word.
“There were thirteen marks, or so we believe,” Sir Stephen said, drawing dots on the paper. “The stone was quite damaged and it was hard to tell if some of them were intentional parts of the engraving. Twelve were in an oval, and the thirteenth was here.” He drew a rough ellipse of dots, and then one at what seemed to be one of the foci.
“That looks almost like an astronomical diagram,” Natasha observed. She'd seen drawings in textbooks that were supposed to be planetary orbits – according to Kepler's laws, those were ellipses with the sun at a focus. But Kepler hadn't come along until the seventeenth century, well after Sir Stephen's time. Not to mention a scarab signet, which was what Sir Stephen seemed to be describing, would already have been over a thousand years old by the time anybody gave it to him.
“What did you think it meant?” asked Dr. Wilson.
“Supposedly there were at one time six such scarabs,” Sir Stephen said, “which together made a map to where the sorcerer Hermes Trimegistus had hidden objects too powerful for any human being to use. The other five had been destroyed or lost, but this was passed down by the Magi. It looked to us like one of the circles of stones you find in the north.”
“Like the ones near Gran's place in the Orkneys!” DI Carter said. She studied the diagram a moment, then pulled out her phone. “Google Earth, don't fail me now!” she said, and began typing something in.
Sir Stephen and Dr. Wilson moved closer to look over her shoulder, but then Nat's own phone rang. She pulled it out to see who was calling, and found that it was Sue. Hopefully it was something important – Nat didn't have time for frivolous stuff right now. She stepped away from the group and put the phone to her ear.
“Hello?” she asked.
“Natalie, oh, thank goodness!” said Sue. “Are you still on campus?”
“Yes,” said Nat. “I'm... I'm at Dr. Hughes' building. We're... trying to find an address,” she said, glancing at Carter and her google search.
“I need you up here in the office,” Sue said. “Quickly, please.”
“Why? What's going on?” asked Nat, as her imagination tossed out a dozen horrible possibilities. Was Zola in thre? Was a crazed gunman holding the department hostage? Had the row of fairy figurines Sue kept on the shelf above her desk come to life and started causing mischief? It didn't seem like today had room for anything else to go wrong, but at the same time, with the rules of the universe apparently out the window, the possibilities for what might go wrong were endless.
“Just come up,” Sue said. “Hurry!” And with that, she ended the call.
Nat groaned out loud.
“Now what's wrong?” asked Dr. Wilson.
At least he agreed with her that this was getting to be ridiculous. “I don't know, she wouldn't tell me,” said Nat. “Come with me, my office is this way.” She had a bad feeling about this, and wanted the others with her. That way if she ended up facing any more nonsense, she'd at least have somebody to share it with. She stuck her phone back in her purse, and took off at a fast walk across the campus.
The building was still standing – that was a good sign. Even so, Nat decided she couldn't risk taking the elevator and instead ran up the steps as fast as she could. Sir Stephen was right behind her, with Carter and Wilson bringing up the rear. The closer they got, the worse was Nat's sense of foreboding. What had been going on that Sue could make a phone call and ask her to come, but not tell her why? Nat thought back to the people she'd seen in the car park. Who had the man in the suit been? Was he involved in this? Was the woman in the sari really Zola in disguise?
By the time she reached the doors of the archaeology office, Nat was running. She burst into the room, startling Sue, who jumped up from her desk with a hand over her heart.
“Oh, it's only you, Natalie,” she said.
Nat looked around. Nothing was obviously out of place. The only other person presentwas a man with shaggy graying hair who'd been helping himself to coffee when Nat's entry surprised him, too. Everything appeared to be normal... which made Natasha's spirits sink yet further as she realized she'd been tricked again. Zola wasn't in here. More likely he was the one who'd made the call, mimicking Sue's voice the way he'd mimicked the reporter's when he called Dr. Wilson – and now Nat and the others were here while he escaped the campus.
Or perhaps not, because as soon as Sue had recovered from her surprise, she gave Nat a beaming smile. “Surprise!” she said.
She was looking at the man with the coffee. Puzzled, Nat followed her gaze.
“Hi, Ginger Snap,” said the man. He was not quite six feet tall, dressed in a camo-green down jacket over a sweater with a patterned yoke, and a pair of aged jeans. Though in his late sixties, he still had all his hair, and his eyes were pale blue, like Natasha's own – and he was holding out his left arm, the one he wasn't using to hold a paper coffee cup, as if he were expecting a hug.
Nat took a step backward, feeling sick. She knew who he looked like he was – she had a reasonably clear mental picture of the man – but he didn't exist. He existed even less than Sir Stephen of Rogsey existed. Sir Stephen was presumably a fourteenth-century compilation of earlier legends that probably had some basis in history, however unrecognizable that might be after three centuries of retelling. Allen Rushman, on the other hand, was somebody Natasha herself had made up out of whole cloth, to add some flavour to her biography.
She'd just about managed to cope with Sir Stephen, but how was she supposed to deal with her fictional father, standing in front of her in the flesh?
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theliterateape · 5 years ago
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Hope Idiotic | Part II
By David Himmel
 Hope Idiotic is a serialized novel. Catch each new part every week on Monday and Thursday.
MOONLIGHTING AS A DRUNKARD, Chuck Keller was the assistant manager of the communications department at palm gaming, the largest hotel and casino company in Las Vegas and the world. After Chuck graduated from Nevada State, he was hired as the news editor for Valley Life, the alternative weekly rag, where I worked as the A&E editor. But he jumped ship to work at Palm when the Journal, the larger daily paper, bought the weekly. He was also the editor of the radically libertarian magazine, Liberty.
Chuck not only held influence in a variety of Las Vegas circles, but he was able to keep his writer friends employed. On the day that Lou quit the radio gig to pursue a writing career and more financially beneficial opportunities, he called his friend Chuck for a job. Thanks to a small sexual-abuse–related firing, a position in the Communications Department had just opened up, and Chuck ushered his pal through the hiring process. Chuck and Lou had met earlier and became fast friends in college while working at the student newspaper. I was also a beneficiary of Chuck’s employ. A few months after the Valley Life buyout, I traded my press pass for a corporate ID card at Palm and, like Lou eventually would, worked as a communications specialist. And though Chuck was younger than both of us (Lou only by a year, me by four), Chuck was our boss twice over — at Palm and at Liberty.
The day gig in Corporate America was no one’s dream job. But it provided us with steady salaries and allowed us to freelance for nearly every magazine and alt-rag in town. Our office was small, buried in the bowels of Palm Gaming’s oldest and grandest property, the Tigris. Because of the office’s location to the back loading docks, it was often used to shuttle big-name performers into the property and to bust hookers off the property. Our department’s supervisor was usually absent, busy grooming herself to move upstairs into the corporate offices and, therefore, spent most of her time with her nose gently placed upon the casino president’s asshole, her lips firmly puckered.
There was always plenty of work to be done since the department handled all internal communications for four Palm properties. But our daily responsibilities were so mundane that Lou and I would often spend Monday through Wednesday freelancing before completing the week’s casino work — hitting all deadlines — on Thursday and Friday.
“Okay, so here’s the headline: New Carpet on Casino Floor, but You Still Have Cancer.” 
In addition to double-dipping while on the Palm Gaming clock, we were able to take extended drinking lunches, most often at Cuba Café a few blocks away from our office. We were so charming and such frequents, that the staff often comped their beer. This only encouraged more drinking before heading back to work — not that we needed sharp minds for what those afternoons in the Communications Department required.
“Lou. Neal. My office,” Chuck said one afternoon after getting back from Cuba Café.
“Christ, we smell like a fucking brewery,” Lou complained.
“Now, I don’t want a revolt on my hands,” Chuck teased.
“What worker-drone task do you have for us now, fearless leader?” I asked.
“Lou, I need you to take the camera up to the casino floor and snap photographs of the new carpet. Neal, I need you to host the employee karaoke competition in the employee dining room today.”
“Why does he get to host the karaoke?” Lou asked. “I was the disk jockey. I’m a goddamn stand-up comic. Let him take pictures of the carpet.”
“Nope. You’re better with the camera than he is,” Chuck said.
“Plus, I have a PhD in English,” I added. Yep. Dr. Neal Harding. My education was a laughable reminder that I was not at the career level that I should have been. I fancied myself a real writer — to one day be a well-respected professor of the written word. I had paid a fair chunk of my dues. I had already published one collection of poetry and recently, the unauthorized biography of the world-famous local synth-rock band, The Riots. The band had just released its second album, and my book could not have been better timed for hypersonic success. Or so I hoped. “When my book becomes a national best-seller, all of this will be behind us. I’ll take you guys with me wherever I go. But for now, Lou, you have carpet to photograph. And I’m going to listen to fat housekeepers sing Shania Twain.”
“Fuck,” Lou said. “Why am I taking pictures of the carpet?”
“Because they installed new carpet on the casino floor,” Chuck said.
“And?”
“And the bosses want us to do a story for the newsletter about the carpet. So the employees know the company is investing in itself.”
“Didn’t Neal just write a story about employee health benefits being reduced?”
“Yes,” Chuck laughed.
“Okay, so here’s the headline: New Carpet on Casino Floor, but You Still Have Cancer.” 
LOU FELT LIKE AN IDIOT AS HE POINTED THE CAMERA AT HIS FEET AND PRESSED THE SHUTTER BUTTON. He tried making the photos more appealing. He walked to the busiest part of the casino and got into a prone position, careful not to wrinkle his tie and blazer. He shot at angles that made it obvious that photographed feet belonged to a dealer or were clearly the shoes of a cocktail waitress. True to his compulsive style, he never half-assed anything. Those pictures of the carpet were going to be the best goddamn carpet pictures the world had ever known.
“Excuse me. What in the hell are you doing?” A grizzled man in a dark suit with a Tigris name tag was standing over Lou. He could have been security, but without the standard earpiece, Lou figured he was a floor manager or pit boss.
“I’m taking photos of the carpet,” Lou said, realizing how dumb it sounded.
“It’s against casino policy and Nevada state law to snap photographs without permission. Stand up, son.”
Lou did. “I know. Look…” He caught the name on the tag. “John, I’m Lou Bergman. I work down in communications, and I have to take pictures of the carpet.” Lou handed him a business card from his blazer breast pocket. John looked it over and handed it back to Lou, accompanied with a face that acknowledged the absurd assignment. “Tell me about it,” Lou admitted.
“Why are you taking pictures of the carpet?”
“Because they just installed it.” He gestured like a showroom model. “All throughout the casino.”
John looked at his feet and around as if he’d not noticed the change. “And?”
“And corporate wants you to know it’s investing back into the property and its employees.”
“Didn’t they just cut our benefits?”
“They did. I just have to take photos to go alongside a story in the next issue of The River. “What’s The River?”
“It’s the quarterly employee newsletter.”
“I’ve worked here for 26 years, and I’ve never heard of it.”
“We usually work pretty hard on it.”
“I’m not going to lie to you, kid. This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of. Go ahead, take your pictures.”
“Thanks, John. The sooner I finish this, the sooner we can both put this behind us. And I’ll be sure to personally hand deliver a copy of the River to you when the story breaks.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
Lou returned to his desk, took in the remaining beer buzz and sifted through the hi-res images of carpet in what could only be characterized as psychedelic diarrhea.
WE HAD STEADY WOMEN IN OUR LIVES.
Chuck and Lexi Albert were high school sweethearts. She moved to Las Vegas to be with Chuck immediately after earning her MBA from Morrill University in Indiana. She was on the fast track to a successful career as a hospital administrator and worked at one of Las Vegas’ most prestigious medical centers.
Lou and Michelle Kaminski had been great friends since college. She moved to Chicago to become a lawyer and they remained friends and kept in touch. And then, whenever Michelle was here visiting her parents, they would see one another, and without intent, they just seemed to fall in love.
It was — like love so often is — without any warning or planning. They first kissed in December, followed by daily talks through emails and phone calls, and it all just cascaded from then on. Lou had been to see her once in late February; now it was early April, and things had grown quite serious.
Michelle had arrived in town the same afternoon as the carpet photo shoot. Chuck, Lexi, Lou and Michelle met for dinner that night at Bella’s. My wife Natalie and I joined them. Unless I had to cover a story for one of the rags or watch some metal band play a tiny smoke-filled bar for the music column I held onto at Valley Life, I rarely ventured out after dark, like I said. But Michelle’s arrival in town was a special occasion, and this was the first time Natalie and I were meeting her. It was also the first time we hired a babysitter and left our infant son Stephen at home.
“What an amazing view,” Michelle said, as the six of us were seated next to a window showcasing a panoramic view of the valley.  “Do you think Stephen is okay, Neal?” said Natalie.
“I left the babysitter with beer money and a loaded revolver. I’m sure he’s fine,” I said. Natalie looked at me, acknowledging my attempt at being cute. She disapproved of the effort. The talk, therefore, pivoted to a more vanilla tone.
“How old is Stephen?” asked Michelle.
“Almost a year,” said Natalie.
“And this is your first night away from him?”
“Is it that obvious?”
“Let’s not talk about babies,” I interjected. “Michelle, welcome back to the Neon Dream. How long are you in town?”
“Four days. Until Monday. My friend Amanda is getting married in June, so we’re here for her bachelorette party.”
 “Are you the maid of honor?” Lexi asked.
“I’m a bridesmaid but am also planning the entire weekend for all 25 girls. Since I’m from Vegas, it made sense for me to do all of the planning. But it was not easy. Ask Lou. He had to hear all about it.”
“Whatever happens, all those girls are bitches,” Lou said. Michelle smiled at him, pleased with his well-rehearsed response. The rest of us laughed, knowing his statement was more her projection than his actual opinion.
“Thanks again for hooking us up with passes to Rouge tomorrow night, Chuck,” said Michelle. Rouge was the newest club on the Strip, and he had to manipulate a few favors to get 25 girls in on a Friday night. Once Lou assured him that all of the girls were at least moderately good-looking, Chuck was happy to oblige. “So…” she said, looking at Chuck and Lexi. “When are you two finally getting married?”
Lou took his girlfriend’s hand. “Let’s not get too personal before the first drink, Michelle.”
“Oh, come on. They’ve been together since what, high school? I think it’s a perfectly fair question.”
Lexi blushed. Chuck fidgeted in his chair. I laughed. Natalie looked out the window in an effort to be distracted. No one wanted to face Michelle’s question. Because if there’s anything more uncomfortable in the world than putting a couple on the spot by asking them the marriage question point blank, you’d be hard pressed to find it. And all of us — well, all of us but Michelle — understood that that question at that moment brought with it an extra special kind of discomfort. The subject of marriage had been a major talking point between Chuck and Lexi. She wanted to get married. He wasn’t ready.
Even if Michelle had known the sensitive nature of the query, it likely wouldn’t have stopped her from asking anyway because to a woman in her late twenties in a new, happy, healthy relationship with her best guy friend, it’s a perfectly legitimate, noninvasive question. From her point of view, getting married is the only thing that mattered.
“After knowing each other for so long, it’s about time,” Michelle said. Then she turned to Lou and looked into his eyes, smiled knowingly and said, “Don’t you think?”
He forced a smile back at her. For the first time since things took off with Michelle, he felt a twinge of panic.
Part I
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