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asweetprologue · 3 years ago

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me lámh le do lámh - Part VI

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Geralt tried to make an effort after that.

It was a fine line to walk, of course. He wanted to be more vocal—more honest—about how much he cared about Jaskier. His deception about the nature of the ritual made him itch to tell Jaskier other things, to bury the lie under a heap of truths. The idea that Jaskier might not know how highly Geralt regarded him, might think that Geralt didn’t care, was unacceptable. No matter how uncomfortable it made him, he began to try and show Jaskier, in small ways, that he wanted him.

He just couldn’t show too much, couldn’t let himself speak the deeper truths of his heart. A fine line indeed.

Initially, Jaskier acted almost suspicious. They stayed by the ruins for three days while his head recovered. His ankle took longer, and Geralt could admit that he was coddling a bit. He forced Jaskier to sit as he made camp and cooked dinner, took away his notebook when Jaskier had been squinting at it for too long in the dusk light. He needed to rest, Geralt insisted, and he couldn’t do that if he was constantly at work. Jaskier was resistant, as always. Geralt had tended him a few times when he’d come down with a particularly nasty cold, and once when he’d been honest to gods poisoned by a rival bard. Jaskier was always petulant, irritated at being cooped up even when he couldn’t keep down anything thicker than broth. He was no better now, fighting Geralt every step of the way to recovery.

Geralt tried to retaliate with affection. He sat closer to Jaskier in the evenings, telling him the stories he craved, watching afterwards as he mouthed words up at the stars to fit new ballads. He told Jaskier that he enjoyed the tune he was humming, and Jaskier had blinked at him like he’d grown two heads. When they finally decided it was time to move on, Geralt offered to let him ride Roach, and Jaskier stood gaping at him.

“Excuse me?” he spluttered. “Did you just say you want me to ride Roach?”

Geralt sighed through his nose. “Was that not clear enough?”

Jaskier leaned against Roach, one arm out to steady himself on the saddle. His ankle still wouldn’t hold his weight for more than a few moments. “I should throw something silver at you,” Jaskier said, “or douse you in holy water. You’ve been replaced by a spirit.”

“Jaskier.” Geralt’s tone was a warning.

“A much nicer spirit,” Jaskier said as he began pulling himself up into the saddle. “A very kind spirit who lets his poor injured friend ride his very sweet, docile horse. Nice Roachy. Please don’t throw me off.”

“She won’t buck you,” Geralt snorted, hiding a grin. He took the reins and began leading them back to the main path, heading southwest. Their next destination, according to Triss, would be just outside of the Brokilon Forest. The last of the moonflax supposedly grew in that area, and hopefully the locals would know how to point them in the right direction. They found their way back to the main road easily enough, and it was several long moments before Jaskier spoke.

“I’m really fine, you know,” he said, and when Geralt glanced up at him, he found Jaskier staring resolutely down the road, a small pinch to his brow. “So you can stop being weird.”

“I’m not being weird,” Geralt said automatically.

“You are,” Jaskier insisted, looking down at him. His eyes squinted at Geralt as if he were trying to see straight through his skull. “And I know it’s coming from some misplaced guilt that you’re carrying around, thinking that it’s all your fault that I got hurt, as if somehow your witcher powers could stop a floor from collapsing—”

“I’m not—” Geralt started, and then bit back the words. He was guilty, and of course Jaskier could sense it on him. It just wasn’t entirely for the reason Jaskier thought. Instead he said, “It’s not about that.”

Jaskier raised his eyebrows in an expression that meant he thought he was about to win an argument. “Then why are you being so nice to me?” he asked, jerking his chin forward cockily. Like he was already sure of the answer.

The question gave Geralt pause, literally. He stopped for a moment on the road, blinking up at Jaskier. His hair was backlit by the noonday sun, his eyes as brilliantly blue as the cloudless sky above them. It was a shame, Geralt thought, that he’d never before seen Jaskier from this angle. He’d have to let him ride Roach more often. “I realized I wasn’t really, before,” he finally said, haltingly. “I mean—I want to be. Nice. Nicer.” He grimaced.

Jaskier’s expression changed to one of blatant shock, and then smoothed into something softer that Geralt couldn’t identify. It made his breath quicken in his chest, catching in his throat. “You’re a good man, Geralt. You don’t have to perform social niceties for that to be true.”

“I meant to you,” Geralt clarified, shifting uncomfortably. They were stopped in the middle of the road now, and he knew he should probably keep going, because if he kept looking up at Jaskier during this conversation it was going to feel a lot more profound than it needed to be. “I don’t really care about what every farmer or lord I deal with thinks of me.”

“But you care what I think,” Jaskier replied, face once again open with surprise. He’d been making that expression a lot lately, Geralt had noticed. Like Geralt kept doing things that made him reconsider his entire worldview.

“Yes,” Geralt said simply, because it was true. “You’re my friend. I should be nice to you.” He quirked a smile, hoping to break the tension. “That’s what Ciri tells me, at least.”

It had the desired effect; Jaskier tossed his head back and laughed, and Geralt was forced to reconcile himself with the long line of his throat. His mouth went dry at the sight, and he forced himself not to move—not to reach out, not to pull Jaskier off Roach’s back, not to press his lips to the pale skin that peeked out of Jaskier’s loose collar. He stayed stock still, until Jaskier looked down at him with a grin. “Ciri is a smart young woman,” Jaskier said, “and I can’t find fault with her argument. Though truly, don’t make any great effort on my account. I know how difficult I can be to tolerate.”

Jaskier’s mirth made something relax in him, and Geralt found himself smiling back. He unstuck his limbs from the ground and turned to continue on, giving Roach’s reins a gentle tug. Jaskier leaned forward at the sudden movement, and Geralt allowed himself one touch, reaching out to put a hand on Jaskier’s thigh, stabilizing him. Wryly, he said, “You really aren’t.”

Jaskier looked down toward him, and leaning forward as he was, they were suddenly much closer than before, and Jaskier’s face was softened again in surprise and— something else. Geralt felt sure, for one crystalline moment, that Jaskier was going to lean down the last few inches to press their lips together. He held his breath in anticipation, and for a moment Jaskier wavered. And then Roach huffed and canted forward a step, and Geralt’s hand jerked where it was clenched white-knuckled around the reins. He leaned back and away, taking his hand off of Jaskier’s thigh, and felt cold despite the warmth of the day. Jaskier straightened in his seat, and when Geralt looked up at him again his face was blank, squinting up at the sky.

Geralt’s hand burned as he started forward again, leading them down the road towards their destination. He had been right, he thought, to avoid touching Jaskier. Every instance was like flying closer to the sun. He couldn’t survive it if he kept pushing his limits.

They stopped for the night at an inn. It was unusually vacant; they were far enough south now that the last vestiges of winter had faded behind them, and the roads had been plenty busy. On their way into town they’d passed a large band of travelers—merchants, a cobbler, several families—headed in the other direction, so it was likely they drove off any others passing through the area. The innkeep looked tired, a woman who couldn’t be older than Jaskier but had a full head of gray hair. She gave Geralt a shrewd look when they entered, but was quickly swept up in Jaskier’s charm, especially when he exaggerated the limp a bit.

“Afraid there’ll be no one to play for this evening, my boy,” she said, the thick accent of southern Velen making her words sound like chewed barley. “You’ll have to pay for a full night.”

The rate she gave was fair, not marked up for the presence of a witcher as far as Geralt could tell. They were well off on coin after a drowner contract he’d taken before the ruins. They were always particularly active in the spring, having grown hungry under the ice and snow all winter. Geralt had cleared out at least thirty of them from a lake and its nearby stream, gaining no more than a few shallow claw marks but a hefty bag of coin for his efforts. “The rooms are a touch small,” the innkeep said. “You’ll want two; no chance of sharing with this one’s shoulders as they are.” She nodded to Geralt, her gaze passing over his broad chest. He huffed, annoyed.

Jaskier hummed himself, a slight frown passing over his features. “Are you quite sure? We’re accustomed to sharing, and it would save us some coin—”

“We have coin,” Geralt said, slapping the money down on the counter. Jaskier made a noise of protest that Geralt silenced with a look. “I don’t want to risk fucking up your leg by lying on top of it. Two rooms, one night.” It was fine. They were in no danger of running low on funds. There was no need for them to spend a night in discomfort. “It’s this or the road, bard.”

At that Jaskier pouted and dropped the issue.

That night they ate dinner together in the main room of the inn. The food was good, hearty liver sausages with a thin vegetable broth to wash it down, and a loaf of dark oat bread. The ale wasn’t half bad either, even watered down as it was. Once they finished eating, Geralt allowed Jaskier to goad him into a few rounds of Gwent. He never understood why Jaskier wanted to play—Geralt always won handily. Five extra decades of experience and a long tradition of playing for his meals made him the better player by far, and his deck was tournament worthy. Yet Jaskier needled him at least weekly until Geralt gave in and pulled out the cards. Maybe he thought eventually Geralt would let him win. He would continue to be disappointed.

It was, admittedly, hard to concentrate on the game when the light of the fire backlit Jaskier just so, like the halo of some old god. His long fingers worried at the edges of the cards, a terrible tell he couldn’t seem to shake. He always played with the corners of particularly good ones in his hand. Geralt could almost use it to predict the end game totals by this point. Jaskier’s fingernails were a patchwork of color; he’d had them painted sometime while he was staying in Oxenfurt, and the dark burgundy was almost completely chipped away after a few weeks on the road. It was a miracle that the color clung on at all, or that Jaskier had allowed them to remain partially decorated when they lost their perfect shine. Maybe there was a poetic appeal. Something about one’s masks being slowly chipped away, or some such nonsense.

He won the first game. Jaskier begged for best three out of five, and Geralt won the next two games as well. Jaskier finally relented, and the smile on his face wasn’t that of a good natured loser accepting his lot. He said, “I suppose you win again, my dear,” and his eyes were warm as he looked at Geralt.

It was rare that Jaskier could be described as soft in any way. He was boisterous, and excitable, and generally prone to fits of dramatic romanticism or unbridled rage in equal measure. Sometimes he was melancholy, and other times—sometimes when he was very drunk, he was giddy, and he would rope Geralt into unwise activities like they were school children. He was almost never quiet. Even in moments of calm he would be busy moving, strumming his lute or scratching in the margins of his notebooks or singing a new line or two at the stars. But now he was sitting and looking at Geralt over a pile of cards, and he was still. Just looking, chin resting on one hand, as if Geralt’s face held the key to an interesting riddle he was trying hard to solve.

Geralt cleared his throat, feeling unmoored. “Time for bed. Early start tomorrow.”

Like that the spell was broken, and Jaskier rolled his eyes with a groan. “And for what reason? Roach, for one, would deserve the rest. We mustn’t always get up at the first light of dawn, witcher.”

“But we will,” Geralt said, feeling his lips twitch. He turned towards the stairs to hide it, hearing Jaskier’s uneven gait follow after him. He resisted the urge to turn around and offer his arm to assist, knowing that it would only annoy Jaskier and put them in close proximity. Something he was trying his best to avoid.

They parted ways at the doors to their rooms, set next to each other in the hall. They were almost identical, and Geralt wondered if at some point a wall had been constructed down the middle of a room to provide the inn with more to rent out. The result was two cramped spaces, with only enough room for a small bed pushed up against the wall and a trunk across from it. Geralt had deposited his things in the corner before heading back down in search of dinner earlier, and he now set about making sure that his equipment was taken care of. There was a spot on his armor that needed to be reinforced after a drowner had scratched it. The leather was still supple from regular oiling, but he would need a professional to look it over soon. Even so, he was capable of making his own minor repairs until then, backing the fragile spot with spare pieces that he kept for this purpose. The work was grounding in its familiarity. Once he was done he set about sharpening his swords as well. The silver would soon need a new coating; Geralt could see a few places where the darker iron core shone through, where he’d blocked the swipe of a griffin’s talon a month back. A problem for another town.

He could hear Jaskier in the room on the other side of the wall. It was thin enough that there may as well have been no barrier between them whatsoever. He could hear the bard humming to himself, the rustle of cloth as he tossed aside his clothes for the day. No, not tossed—Jaskier was meticulous about his clothes unless roaring drunk or in a haze of academic preoccupation, which tonight he was not. Geralt could almost picture the other man as he carefully folded his doublet over the back of a chair, set his undershirt to hang near the window where it would dry out after the sweat of the day. His pants would be pressed into a neat square and put into his bag alongside his other colorful finery. His hose would be draped near the doublet, his boots neatly set by the door. Dressed down to his braies, he would slip into bed.

The creek of the mattress came from closer to Geralt’s room than he might have expected. The beds must be pushed up against the same wall, mirroring each other.

Geralt slowly and methodically finished his tasks, sliding his swords back into their scabbards and putting them under the bed, within easy reach. With a flick of his wrist, he extinguished the lone candle in the room. He could hear from the noises filtering in from outside that Jaskier’s room had been the one graced with a window. No matter; he could see fine without the added help of the moonlight.

By the time he slipped into the small bed, Jaskier’s breaths had evened out in sleep. His heartbeat was loud through the wall, louder than it usually seemed in their small campsite, with the sounds of the forest drowning it out. The bed really was too small for two, Geralt thought, rolling over to stare at the wall. If they’d shared, they would have had to sleep practically on top of each other. Geralt would have had to wrap himself around Jaskier just to keep him in place. Put his hand over the bard’s heart and felt the rhythm drum out under his fingertips.

He turned around, pressing his back to the wall, listening to the sound of the bard on the other side. His chest ached. The bed felt huge and empty, big enough to swallow him whole. A ridiculous fucking notion. The thing was tiny.

Geralt wondered, really and truly, when it had gotten this bad. When he’d let it get this bad. He pressed his back more firmly against the wall, and fell asleep to the symphony of his own heartbeat matching Jaskier’s one to four.

#geraskier #geraltxjaskier #geralt x jaskier #geralt/jaskier #geralt of rivia #jaskier #witcher #the witcher #fic #fanfic #writing #my work #multichapter #me lamh #big bang #geraskierbigbang

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itsjaybullme · 7 years ago

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Mass Building 101

Kevin Horton

A bodybuilder in mass-gain mode will face all sorts of questions. Well-meaning friends and family will comment with a tinge of worry about the superhuman amounts of food you’re eating. They’ll question why you can’t skip the gym “just this once.” Some jokester will suggest a steady diet of fast food and ice cream to get huge. (Yep, no one has ever thought of that before.)

Thing is, you probably have questions, too. But you can’t turn to all those laypeople in your life who wonder why anyone would want to transform themselves into a human anatomy chart. No, you need experts. Someone who understands your quest, who helps dedicated folks just like you pack on solid, lean mass for a living.

We’ve tapped our favorite trainers to get their key dos and don’ts, covering a range of training, nutrition, and supplementation tips. Just one extra “don’t” before we begin: Don’t let any of the doubters get to you. All will be clear to everyone soon enough, when your relentless efforts lead to awe-inspiring results.

DO: GIVE IT MORE TIME

Sometimes your inability to gain mass boils down to one brutally simple reason—you just haven’t been at it long enough. “Anyone who has ever said that they aren’t able to put on muscle, lean out, or accomplish something fitness related maybe just hasn’t stuck to their nutrition and training program long enough,” Dustin Kirchofner, C.S.C.S., says. “Consistency over a longer term is the key.”

DON'T: BE TOO PICKY IN A PINCH

The human body is an insanely complex feat of nature, but there’s a straight- forward balance when it comes to your mass-gain efforts: At any time during the day, you’re either in an anabolic or catabolic state. That is, your body is either building lean tissue—or burning it off for energy. Rarely, if ever, are you perfectly equalized between the two.

What does this mean in practical terms? For gaining weight, you need to stay anabolic, says Heather Farmer, a New York–based personal trainer, fitness coach, CrossFit group class instructor, and Olympic weightlifting national competitor in the USA Weightlifting 63kg women’s class. “You cannot afford to skip meals,” she adds. “If more than two or three hours has passed and you haven’t had any food, go eat! And don’t be too picky—macros are macros when your options are limited.”

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Chris Lund

DO: CHILL OUT MORE

“Don’t run—at least not long distances,” says Gerren Liles, a Reebok One ambassador and Equinox Master Instructor based in New York City. “Steady-state running creates constant impact and breaks down the muscle fibers. Think about the difference in the body of a sprinter versus a marathon runner. Strength training should be the bulk of your workout routine, but if you absolutely have to throw some cardio or conditioning in, do sprints, stairs, or the occasional HIIT session.”

By the way, if you’re aiming to somehow get huge and ripped at the same time, well...stop it. “Most guys want to gain muscle while also simultaneously staying ripped, but that’s very hard to do because the processes for gaining muscle and staying lean require different training protocols and diets,” Liles explains. “You need more calories to feed the muscles to spur growth and strength, and that may come at the expense of having definition. Get to the size you want, and then you can adapt your training to getting leaner. Doing both at the same time is a recipe for frustration.”

DON'T: PARK YOUR WHEELS

Because they are such a signi cant muscle group with lots of muscle mass potential, legs should be a priority. “Training your lower body will naturally increase growth hormone and testosterone levels, which will help all-over muscle gain,” says Dan Roberts, C.S.C.S., strength and conditioning coach and founder of the Dan Roberts Group in London. “In addition, the ‘tiny legs, big lats, big chest’ look is so Gold’s Gym 1990s– wannabe terrible. You have to look proportional to look great. So do equal amount of lower-body and upper-body work.”

DO: TURN DOWN THE VOLUME

When progress stalls, doubt creeps in: “Am I doing enough?” Instead of spending an hour at the gym, you might ramp that up to 90 minutes or more, or add an extra day of training a week, all in an attempt to break the rut. Instead, it’s time to improve the quality of your work, says Dustin Kirchofner, an active- duty U.S. Army Special Forces soldier, certified strength and conditioning coach, and owner of Modern Warfare Fitness in Colorado.

“If you have trouble putting on muscle, you need to focus on keeping your workouts less than an hour, maintain high intensity during that time, and limit your rest periods to one minute between sets,” he suggests. “You need to get in and get out. Remember, the longer you drag things on in the gym, the more calories you’re burning. Those calories could go toward putting on solid muscle and recovery, but instead they’re being wasted.”

He also suggests reorienting your routine toward primary compound lifts and reducing volume, allowing more time for proper recovery—as we have done in the sample “FLEX Mass Blast” workout. “If you have problems putting on muscle, your body actually needs more time to recover than someone who puts on muscle very easily,” he says. Four days in the gym with three days of rest might just do the trick.

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Chris Lund

DO: BE A BIT OBSESSED

“In sport, business, and life, great things don’t come with balance; they come with a little bit of controlled obsession,” Dan Roberts says. “So plan your workout, plan nutrition, and plan your sleep. Write it down and let it consume you a little bit! My experience training some of the world’s best athletes and Hollywood’s action stars has shown that amazing results can happen when you transcend ‘wanting’ results and instead train like you ‘need’ the results.”

DON'T: SKIMP ON SUPPS

Supplements won’t save a poor diet or training plan—but they can dramatically improve results when you’re clicking in those areas. “You should supplement to maximize recovery from training,” Heather Farmer says. She suggests a quality whey protein. “You should include a protein source with every meal,” she says— plus BCAAs and creatine as a starting point.

Also, if you really have trouble adding body weight, consider that most often “gainer foods” are going to have a high ratio of both carbohydrates and fat, she adds. “So, for a basic example, you’d choose Nutella, which is high in carbs and fat, over cereal, which is high in carbs but low in fat. It also helps to keep your kitchen stocked with calorie-dense foods like whole milk, peanut butter, and bananas, among others. For instance, a few extra spoonfuls of peanut butter every day are an easy way to add a good chunk of calories to your diet.”

DO: REP ACCORDINGLY

“Always stick to the basic five- to 12-rep-window rule for weighted exercises,” Roberts says. “That means when going all-out on your lifts, if you can’t do five, the weight is too heavy, and you’re moving into powerlifting territory—that’s great for strength but not optional for hypertrophy, which is what you’re after. On the other end of the spectrum, if you can do more than 12 reps, the weight you’ve chosen is too light, and you’ve shifted into muscular endurance territory. Again, you’ll get an adaptation doing that, but it won’t optimize muscle gains.”

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Pavel Ythjall

THE FLEX MASS BLAST

Just starting out? Or have a stale training regimen and need a new challenge? Here’s a straightforward program, designed around the major compound

lifts and augmented with an array of free-weight, cable, and machine moves to maximize muscle stimulation and development. You’ll lift four days per week and take three days off—arrange those around what works best for your schedule. For weighted exercises, choose a resistance that elicits failure at or around the listed rep range.

DAY 1: BACK, SHOULDERS

BACK

Pullup | SETS: 4 | REPS: 10, 10, 10, 10

Smith Machine Row | SETS: 3 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8

SHOULDERS

Standing Barbell Press | SETS: 4 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8, 5

Arnold Press | SETS: 3 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8

BACK

Lat Pulldown to the Rear | SETS: 3 | REPS: 10, 8, 6

Wide-Grip Seated Cable Row | SETS: 3 | REPS: 10, 8, 6

SHOULDERS

Dumbbell Lateral Raise | SETS: 3 | REPS: 10, 10, 8

Bentover Dumbbell Raise | SETS: 3 | REPS: 10, 10, 8

BACK

Back Extension | SETS: 3 | REPS: 20, 20, 20

DAY 2: THIGHS & CALVES

QUADRICEPS

Barbell Squat | SETS: 4 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8, 5

Hack Squat | SETS: 4 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8, 5

Stationary Lunge | SETS: 3 | REPS: 10, 8, 6

HAMSTRINGS

Romanian Deadlift | SETS: 4 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8, 5

QUADS

Walking Lunge | SETS: 3 | REPS: 10 Steps Per Leg

Leg Extension | SETS: 4 | REPS: 12, 10, 8, 6

HAMS

Lying Leg Curl | SETS: 4 | REPS: 12, 10, 8, 6

CALVES

Donkey Calf Raise | SETS: 4 | REPS: 15, 12, 10, 8

Seated Calf Raise | SETS: 3 | REPS: 15, 12, 10

DAY 3: CHEST, TRICEPS & ABS

CHEST

Bench Press | SETS: 4 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8, 5

Incline Dumbbell Press | SETS: 4 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8, 5

Decline Dumbbell Press | SETS: 3 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8

Cable Crossover | SETS: 3 | REPS: 12, 10, 8

TRICEPS

Close-Grip Bench Press | SETS: 4 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8, 5

Incline Triceps Extension | SETS: 3 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8

Dip | SETS: 3 | REPS: 10, 10, 10

ABS

Decline Twisting Crunch | SETS: 3 | REPS: 25-30

Hanging Knee Raise | SETS: 3 | REPS: 20-30

Plank | SETS: 3 | REPS: Hold for 30 seconds

DAY 4: TRAPS, BICEPS, FOREARMS, & LAGGING BODY PART OF YOUR CHOICE

LAGGING PB

Your Choice | SETS: 4 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8, 5

TRAPS

Smith Machine Shrug | SETS: 4 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8, 5

Rope Cable Shug | SETS: 3 | REPS: 10, 10, 10

BICEPS

Barbell Curl | SETS: 4 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8, 5

Barbell Preacher Curl | SETS: 4 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8, 5

Alternating Dumbbell Curl 3 | REPS: 10, 10, 10

FOREARMS

Dumbbell Wrist Curl | SETS: 4 | REPS: 15, 12, 10, 8

Farmer's Carry Walk | SETS: 3 | REPS: 50 Feet

FLEX

from Bodybuilding Feed https://www.flexonline.com/training/mass-building-101 via http://www.rssmix.com/

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somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years ago

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so hes essentially stopped having sex with me. physical affection is like.. few and far between. and i guess, thanks? i guess? like step up from my oshawa ex for sure - he fucked me until i left. so like, thanks? thanks for not just using me?

i tried to be more understanding like maybe this is just how he feels right now but these little things managed to add up and with his refusal for sex ... i mean, he’s not “refusing”. i dont really come on to him. the last time we did have sex it was pretty bad. like bad enough both of us admitted it was pretty bad. i thought maybe that had something to do with it.

but he started nitpicking and being rude about it. like leaving my shoes at the door - which he does everyday all day; but it’s not my house and i should be a perfect guest always and if i’m not, it’s disrespectful. he suggested that i gain weight - jokingly mind you, but not really. finally he told me to “put money aside” to pay for myself at meals with friends because it made him uncomfortable. then suggested that “instead of not going at all” i run a tab with him and keep track of everything he buys me.

i told him no thanks. i dont want a walking credit card. i never wanted that. that doesnt make my life any better at all. its more uncomfortable for me that the guy whos dick i suck makes me pay for all my meals. and i get it - he doesnt need to cover all of them. but holy fuck what kind of relationship is it that you cant even go out because your partner wont pay for your meal? your partner ho makes more money ad has more disposable income than a majority of our peers.

i just thought it was really careless to make a suggestion like this when i cannot afford to eat out. period. thats not a luxury i can have right now and u know what? THATS OKAY. holy fuck, of all the luxuries i dont need and am not going to die from; it’s that. i kept thinking it was like a keeping up th the joneses kind of thing. like i’m paying to go out to eat food not to eat food but to prove i can afford to go out and eat food to a group of people. i PREFER to live frugually. even hen i have OTHER PEOPLES MONEY i try to save and be frugal for them because i feel disgusted hen a large amount of money is wasted. ive had dozens of opportunities to spend his money hoever i wanted and continually chose the cheapest option. only recently did i start choosing take out options OVER 10$. like i was literally choosing anything under 10$ so i wouldnt be a burden while his meal ould be 20 -25$.

he tried to be friendly afterwards but i felt like it was a final straw. its never a discussion. its just hurling insults at me and completely disregarding the reason why i have suh little money. my entire being is dedicated to not being brought down by him ad people like him in the interim of hopefully making my life better. like if i cant get through this then i dont even have a hope of it being better and apparantly “this” is being shit on over and over and over again. i just.. i dont care anymore. he was really just annoying me at this point. im tired of being made to feel super poor. like no one else does this to me. i do manage to take care of myself a good portion of the time and most know where my money goes. im tired of having to give myself a pep talk to feel better about myself because hes made me question my value and worth.

last night i slept crammed against the wall. literally. and hes come to a point he feels this is appropriate because sleeping together is such a hassle for him and it just reminded me of my abusive ex. but then he decided to jack off beside me first thing in the mornig and i was done. like i guess im very hard headed but hey - i get it now. i’m nothing to you. i dont deserve anything. i dont deserve to wake up peacefully, a good morning - nothing. all i deserve is to ake up to some disgusting man jacking off beside me. i got dressed, gathered my stuff and left. i said nothing to anyone, i just left. cuz hat the fuck is the point? i felt like a little “guilty” that this would create anxiety for him but who the fuck even cares? i dot even want to have a conversation with him because i dont have conversations ith him i just listen to him. there is no back and forth, no discovery or discussion. its just me listening to him. so why fucking bother. he knows i wouldnt leave unless i was upset so the “point” is made but i have no point. i’m just done, i think? i think you know youre the most done when words are not useful anymore ad like there is nothing i want to discuss. i dont even ant to tell him what a shitty person hes been. all it leads to is guilt and pity and sticking around because he thinks hes supposed to. i want to be with someone who wants to be with me. but like that never happens. no oe ever wants to be with me. they want to be ith some other perso but i’m good enough. and it sounds very woe is me but this is the truth. ad i am an attractive nice person. i am very caring and loving and loyal. i am a great girlfriend. but no one ever wants to actually be with me. theyve always wanted someone else, someone else is always actually “the one” ad theyve either gotten away or they never got a chance and now they’re just stuck with _me_. my first “love” was already in love ith someone else but it as never going to happen (and hen he thought it as going to it didnt and he still came back to me and that is not even a bonus thats just proving my point). my second, still enamored with his ex he never fully proved cheated on him but he thought she did (but u know maybe she didnt). and all the men in between - they wanted someone else. they predictably ended up with a few of the someone elses. and right now is just repeating this scenario.

and you know, i come across these dudes and they tell ME they love ME. i would never dare utter such words to these people and give myself like that unless it was very important for me to do. like if i as a year into it and no one said shit and i felt strongly about it, then maybe i would but i dont even offer this to close friends. love is the most serious.

but they tell me they love me. and all i want is love. i dont even want necessarily to BE LOVED but i would like love to exist in my life in a very pure and geuie ay that ive witnessed with others. its not like i need love and attention from all these people. i dont need love to be validated as a person. i can be without love temporarily and move forward in life. i have less sources of love than many people ad im not actively seekig it from dozens of people. but if someone asks me what do you want? perhaps i want money and security. this ould be high on the list. but i think most of all i want love. i want to experience love. my parents did not love me. or maybe my father did but i dot think he was wholy capable of giving pure love. these are perhaps the people who should be my pillars ad theyre not ad everyoe else got to experience love - not eve sexual love. its not eve sexual. its not romantic. everyone aroud me has bee able to experience pure true love of some form and i feel like i have not. like theres nevere been a single stable source of love for any length of time in my life.

and society is tryig to fill this void with medication and money and everything else but actual love an like i guess its hard not to believe that im undeserving or incapable of feeling love or receiving love. and i think this is like a top 5 survival need. like food, water, shelter, love. maybe this is the intricate part of the human experience and we so easily cover food and water and shelter now for many people but you canot cover love. you cannot package it into a goverment subsidy and yet so may people suffering have lacked love. and this pushes them to drugs and alcohol and they suffer from depression and obesity and they eat themselves to diabetes and they let their feet rot off their legs because no matter how hard they worked, no matter all the good deeds they did; they never fully received their dues in love. they suffered ad struggled alone an family ad frieds and relatioships left them but hey - they made some money. and thank god they didt just “live on welfare”. but its like - if someone did not have food or water or shelter, you ouldnt immediately offer them a job to solve the problem. there is a immediate need that has to be filled before they can help themselves. you have to give them food so they can work. if no one cares, why the fuck should they? like you’re noteve a person you’re just “the homeless” now. and like everythng of your life is referred to as “the homeless” life now.

im surrounded by people who have been given a lot of love in their life. even though theyve become blinded to their priviledges, theyve been given so much love. they are spoiled. they cant eve see the love thats being given. i argued with a mutual fried about another; she said it was rude to say this fried ould always be there heever she needed it and not show up. i told her isnt it enough to know in your soul this person wants that so badly for you but real life dictates differetly? like the love is there. the intention is there but real life doest allow it. she couldnt see the love.

and i guess maybe some of these people are so spoiled that they dot understad the importance of something that is like breathing air to them. they probably believe i can get love elsewhere, just like they do. they are rich in love. but its the same thing - if someone tells me they love me, i actually believe they love me. well, i want to believe.

i also believe this problem is “easily” solved for women by having children. children are a constant source of love and hen they turn out not to be, it’s ground shaking. mothers dont kno how to go on. but i believe, even in solid relationships, that children come from a desire to give and receive love that is not currently in their life. maybe i dont understand a maternal instinct. perhaps maternal instinct is this. maybe its kicked in and im too logical to understand that its not that “easy”. neither are relationships, and at least your kids legally arent allowed to abandon you. but i think this is why, especially with young mothers, theyre inclined (if single) to sort of “lose focus” on their children when a new man enters. suddenly, especially ina “honey moon phase”, theyre receiving a ton of love. more love and attention than their children, of any age, can probably give them.

i have little expectations with love. i mean, i assume if you “love me” you wont be cruel or malicious. like, you wont try to harm me. thats what i expect. i dont even expect NOT to be harmed. i may be harmed. thats involved in love. you cant feel such strong things for someone and not be harmed somewhere down the line. it could be big or small; someone will eventually feel bad but then it’ll probably be okay again. however someone gives love, i try to receive it as is without shaping it to what i believe is right. love is abstract; you accept it as is but we all want to read into it and find the deeper meaning and stories and little things involved but in the end its just a very abstract concept hich encompasses a wide range of emotions and psychological things. you cant really say, “if you loved me you would do this or this”. its like you are the artist and love is your paint and the world is a canvas. you cant tell picasso how to paint. that only fits your mold. we liked picasso because of how he expressed it, how he painted it - not how you shaped his painting to your liking.

and like youre allowed to not like someones painting - someones expression of love. and some people, they suck. like they just outright suck ass they need to go back to basics and start over before they unleash anymore of their “artistry”. and some people are offensive. some people create offensive things and this thing might hurt people or make people uncomfortable. most people ask to have their “art” - their “expression of love” taken seriously. however good or bad it is, it’s theirs and this is how they see it. but its like, i dont have to buy a jackson pollock and hang it on my wall because i respect his expression. i dont have to have sex with a woman because i respect homosexuality. so you can accept, respect and walk away from someones expression. it doesnt have to be for you. you can even have the freedom to speak about your feelings of this expression for yourself but you cant dictate how someone else should feel.

i guess my situation is many of these men bought a picasso - or tried to, and for whatever reason, it’s not aroud anymore so they’ll accept a pollock in its place because i mean, he’s still “pretty good”.

but you know - at the same time, it’s okay. this isnt a unique situation. this is very much part of the human experience. everyone at some point will feel this way to some degree. i just happen to feel it really strongly right now because of my circumstances in life. its like taking shrooms and one perso is cool ad another trips badly; theyre just not in the right place in the right way to experience this thing of life. thats me right now. i wasnt prepared for this trip ad its pretty never ending. its like a really long road trip in fear ad loathing but its like 10 years of sitting ith johny depp and youve foud out he beats his ife and is a severe alcoholic and its just... overwhelming.

so i dont know. i need to really accept and take this knowledge seriously. im proud that i just left because ive stayed too many times. i thought about it an had my guilt and ould stay for my shitty ride home and get my “daily kiss” and its just like.. i no longer hate myself this much. i can do better than this scenario. its not even a personal insult to him - his personality is cool. as a human, great. but the scenario we have created - WE, okay. not him. this is a joint effort where i allowed someone to treat me like this with full knowledge that it was bullshit. no one held me hostage and it wast like i just became a personal slave to him. but its like, i even explained it with drugs. once you allow yourself to normalize gross things, its not hard to become a junkie. like if you decide smoking crack or injecting drugs is the worst shit but suddenly you’ll smoke meth and you’ll inject a “safe” drug like k but “not heroin”. this is the “gateway effect”. so we normalized this really shitty behavior ad made it easy for him to fall into habits of doing things others would (and have) walked away from.

you know, i hate that he makes future plans and none of them involve me. ever. but he tells me he loves me. and its like, i dont even have anxiety about whether or not ill see him today. i kind of hope i dont. i think itll be easy to assume im upset he “wont buy me food anymore”. but i really just.. we are on two different planets. equally confused by each others wants and needs. i dont eve want a conversation because if someone doesnt have the desire to be affectionate with me why bother asking.

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itsjaybullme · 7 years ago

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Mass Building 101

Kevin Horton

DO: GIVE IT MORE TIME

DON'T: BE TOO PICKY IN A PINCH

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[pagebreak]

Chris Lund

DO: CHILL OUT MORE

DON'T: PARK YOUR WHEELS

DO: TURN DOWN THE VOLUME

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[pagebreak]

Chris Lund

DO: BE A BIT OBSESSED

DON'T: SKIMP ON SUPPS

DO: REP ACCORDINGLY

Click "NEXT PAGE" to continue >>

[pagebreak]

Pavel Ythjall

THE FLEX MASS BLAST

Just starting out? Or have a stale training regimen and need a new challenge? Here’s a straightforward program, designed around the major compound

DAY 1: BACK, SHOULDERS

BACK

Pullup | SETS: 4 | REPS: 10, 10, 10, 10

Smith Machine Row | SETS: 3 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8

SHOULDERS

Standing Barbell Press | SETS: 4 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8, 5

Arnold Press | SETS: 3 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8

BACK

Lat Pulldown to the Rear | SETS: 3 | REPS: 10, 8, 6

Wide-Grip Seated Cable Row | SETS: 3 | REPS: 10, 8, 6

SHOULDERS

Dumbbell Lateral Raise | SETS: 3 | REPS: 10, 10, 8

Bentover Dumbbell Raise | SETS: 3 | REPS: 10, 10, 8

BACK

Back Extension | SETS: 3 | REPS: 20, 20, 20

DAY 2: THIGHS & CALVES

QUADRICEPS

Barbell Squat | SETS: 4 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8, 5

Hack Squat | SETS: 4 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8, 5

Stationary Lunge | SETS: 3 | REPS: 10, 8, 6

HAMSTRINGS

Romanian Deadlift | SETS: 4 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8, 5

QUADS

Walking Lunge | SETS: 3 | REPS: 10 Steps Per Leg

Leg Extension | SETS: 4 | REPS: 12, 10, 8, 6

HAMS

Lying Leg Curl | SETS: 4 | REPS: 12, 10, 8, 6

CALVES

Donkey Calf Raise | SETS: 4 | REPS: 15, 12, 10, 8

Seated Calf Raise | SETS: 3 | REPS: 15, 12, 10

DAY 3: CHEST, TRICEPS & ABS

CHEST

Bench Press | SETS: 4 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8, 5

Incline Dumbbell Press | SETS: 4 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8, 5

Decline Dumbbell Press | SETS: 3 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8

Cable Crossover | SETS: 3 | REPS: 12, 10, 8

TRICEPS

Close-Grip Bench Press | SETS: 4 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8, 5

Incline Triceps Extension | SETS: 3 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8

Dip | SETS: 3 | REPS: 10, 10, 10

ABS

Decline Twisting Crunch | SETS: 3 | REPS: 25-30

Hanging Knee Raise | SETS: 3 | REPS: 20-30

Plank | SETS: 3 | REPS: Hold for 30 seconds

DAY 4: TRAPS, BICEPS, FOREARMS, & LAGGING BODY PART OF YOUR CHOICE

LAGGING PB

Your Choice | SETS: 4 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8, 5

TRAPS

Smith Machine Shrug | SETS: 4 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8, 5

Rope Cable Shug | SETS: 3 | REPS: 10, 10, 10

BICEPS

Barbell Curl | SETS: 4 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8, 5

Barbell Preacher Curl | SETS: 4 | REPS: 10, 6-8, 6-8, 5

Alternating Dumbbell Curl 3 | REPS: 10, 10, 10

FOREARMS

Dumbbell Wrist Curl | SETS: 4 | REPS: 15, 12, 10, 8

Farmer's Carry Walk | SETS: 3 | REPS: 50 Feet

FLEX

from Bodybuilding Feed https://www.flexonline.com/training/mass-building-101 via http://www.rssmix.com/

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