#and my mom (who encouraged me to buy the concert tickets when I was like omg is this crazy and stupid??) doesn't want me to go

[florida3exclamationpoints]

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[captain-josslett]

Broken Melody - Part Three

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven, Part Eight, Part Nine, Part Ten, Part Eleven,

Summary: Grammy Award winning Emma Danvers is the first to say she has a pretty good life. But what happens when it implodes around her and it looks like things will never be the same again?

Words: 4.2k+

Warnings: Feels! I definitely got feels writing this!

Pairings: Emma Danvers x Lena Luthor (Eventual), Alex Danvers x Kelly OlsenIn 

This Part: It’s the Christmas concert!

As always B!D is named.

Thank you for reading and let me know if you wanna be tagged or any general feedback will be greatly appreciated.

Taglist: @thewitchandtheassassin , @natasha-danvers , @life-is-hella-unfair , @finleyfray​, @supergirl-writingz​

Emma Danvers paces back and forth backstage. Her blonde, wavy hair was down with loads of volume. Her long, glittery, white gold dress swishing against the floor as she paced. Emma was slightly worried about the very deep plunging neckline but her stylist managed to find material that matched her skin tone to accomplish the allusion. They understood why Emma didn’t want to show lots of skin, especially as kids were watching. But they believe that if you’ve got it, flaunt it. And Emma definitely had it.

Emma takes a deep breath as she can hear the audience beginning to enter the huge theatre and her nerves start shooting all over the place. The rehearsals have gone the best they could with only five days to practice. But, Emma still worries she could have done more.

“There you are!” Emma turns around and smiles at Karen, the choir leader and director. A grey haired, black woman, who was ready to put Emma in her place if she became a diva. But to her surprise, Emma Danvers is anything but. “Everyone is in the rehearsal room. Do you want to warm up with us?”

“I’d love to!” Emma says eagerly and follows Karen, placing a hand on her shoulder. “How is everyone feeling?”

“Nervous, excited, scared, joyful, wanting to throw up every minute!” Karen laughs loudly and Emma smiles as she hears the choir’s nervous chatter inside the rehearsal room.

“Basically how I’m feeling all in one!” Emma jokes as they stand outside the door.

“Ready?” Karen asks.

“You bet.” Emma nods and Karen opens the door to thunderous applause. Emma goes in after her and joins the cheering and foot stamping. After a few minutes of getting everyone pumped Karen holds up her hands and instantly everyone quietens down. They do fifteen of vocal and physical warm ups and Emma can’t help but feel a bit sad at knowing after the concert she won’t be working with the choir again. Not until her new album at least. Having already planned some songs she could do with the choir.

“Fifteen minutes everyone!” The stage manager calls from the door.

Nerves instantly flood Emma again and she bites the inside of her lip. She watches Karen hold up her hands and the excited chatter dies down.

‘She holds such power and authority!’ Emma thinks admiringly.

“I’m not going to say much. Just that I am very proud of each and every one of you. Your commitment over the past few days has been phenomenal-”

Emma nods and claps her hands lightly around the group. Many make eye contact with her and smile brightly.

“- and all I ask is that you enjoy yourselves out there tonight. Sing your hearts out and let’s show the world what Kingdom Choir can do!”

Everyone applauds and Karen looks to Emma, tilting her head asking if she wants to say something. Emma smiles and nods. Karen lifts her hands again and everyone stands to attention.

“I just wanted to say a huge, big, thank you to all of you. When I was told that the previous act had pulled out, you guys instantly came to my mind and I’m so glad Karen said yes!” Emma reaches out and places a hand on Karen’s shoulder. Who covers Emma’s hand with her own.

“Now, I know some of y’all were a bit sceptical when y’all heard y’all’d be singing with me.” Emma puts on an over the top country twang, causing a few giggles and agreements. She switches back to her normal voice. “But thank you for giving me the chance to show you what I can do. This has truly been a wonderful experience and I’m going to really treasure it as I move into the next part of this journey.” Emma smiles around at the group before continuing.

“The profits from the seats and those paying to view this online have gone way past the expectation. Meaning even more money towards the equipment needed for the children’s hospital and really that is the main reason we are here. To help those in need, to show compassion and to hold out a hand. So, as Karen has said, just sing your hearts out.” The group applaud loudly and stomp their feet, ready to go out onto the stage and give the performance of their lives.

Emma turns and leads the group out. She plays with her hands as she mentally prepares herself to become Emma the singer.

“Here you are!” A sound technician hands Emma her microphone. The curtain was still down and would be raised as the show begins.

“Thanks.” Emma waits by the wings and lets Karen and the choir go past her. She holds out her right hand and everyone high fives her as they get onto the stage.

The announcement comes over the speakers that the show is about to begin. The crowd cheers and Emma takes a deep breath as she steps onto the stage. She looks at the amazing decorations, a huge, decorated Christmas tree stands at the other end of the stage. Fairy lights are everywhere giving the huge stage a cosy and warm feel. She looks at the orchestra and the choir, giving them encouraging smiles. The countdown begins and the crowd joins in. Finally it reaches zero and the curtain slowly rises up.

‘Here we go!’ Emma thinks as ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ starts playing.

-- -- --

Kara can’t help but bounce up and down in excitement as the Superfriends wait for the concert to start. The atmosphere in the theatre is electric and buzzing. They are sitting near the front in the middle of the huge theatre.

“Kara!” Alex whispers to her sister. “Can you please stop bouncing?!”

Kara immediately stops and looks apologetically at the redhead. “Sorry Alex! I’m just so excited!”

“So am I! But you don’t see me bouncing up and down like a jack in the box!” Alex laughs and shakes her head.

“Kara?” Eliza says next to Lena, who is sitting next to Kara. Lena had offered to swap with Eliza so she could sit next to Kara, but Eliza refused. Stating she was happy where she is. Kara whips her head round to her adopted mother. “Have you remembered to put the dampers on?” Eliza says quietly, not wanting to be overhead. Kara nods and shows the light on the frame of her glasses. When it became clear Emma was going to be in a loud band, Eliza and Alex had worked on equipment for Kara to drown out a lot of the noise that would overwhelm her. That’s if Kara remembered to turn them on. At many gigs Alex would have to engage the device when she saw Kara flinching from over exposure.

Eliza smiles at her daughter and goes back to reading the programme. “I still can’t believe Emma managed to sort this out in so little time!” Eliza says to no one in particular. She wasn’t meant to be in National City for another few days but due to Emma performing she decided to change her plans and come a few days early.

Lena looks down at her own programme, the choice of songs showing a wide variety of hymns and modern songs. “Knowing Emma though, she can do anything she puts her mind to.”

“That is true.” Eliza smiles at the CEO. “Thank you for giving Emma this opportunity. She was so excited when she called about it.”

“I’m the one that should be thanking her!” Lena smiles brightly. “I still can’t believe the amount of people outside trying to buy tickets off us!”

“Yea!” Sam agrees next to Ruby, who is sat next to Eliza. “I had one guy offer me $10,000 for Ruby and my ticket!”

“$10,000?” Kara yells with wide eyes.

“Yea! Mom almost took it too!” Ruby grins as Sam playfully nudges her daughter. But before Sam can comment she’s interrupted by a voice over the speakers.

“Ladies and Gentlemen! The concert is about to start-” Kara cheers loudly along with most of the theatre. Lena claps and beams with her.

The twenty second countdown begins and all the Superfriends join in. Lena can practically feel herself vibrating with anticipation. As zero is displayed the curtain slowly ascends and Emma appears. Lena’s breath is immediately stolen as she takes her in. Her eyes roaming over the shiny, white gold ball gown.

“She looks so beautiful!” Kara whispers in Lena’s ear, who nods in agreement.

The song starts and Emma lifts the microphone to her lips.

I don’t want a lot for Christmas.

Whoops and cheers sound from the crowd as Emma’s strong, velvet voice sings out.

Pride fills the Superfriends immediately and Alex can’t help but tear up. Kara reaches down and takes a hold of her hand. They smile at each other and focus on their sister.

As the tempo picks up Emma and the choir start dancing. Everyone in the audience gets onto their feet clapping and dancing along.

Lena is blown away by Emma’s performance. How she seems to include everyone in the audience, from those right at the front to those in the balcony seats looking down.

Cause baby all I want for Christmas is You!

The crowd cheers when Emma hits the high note and continues to improvise with the choir.

-- -- --

All I want for Christmas.

As Emma finishes the last notes of the song the audience roars in applause. Emma bows her head for a moment in acknowledgement. Raising her head she puts the microphone to her lips.

“Thank you!” She says gratefully and the audience still cheers. “Thank you!” Emma can’t help but feel overwhelmed by the love she is receiving. She looks all around the theatre and to those in the ‘god seats’ high above her. “Thank you so much! Please take your seats.”

She walks to the grand piano and takes a sip of her water hidden from view. “Well, that went well.” Emma says into the microphone, causing the audience to laugh. “I must say you are all in fine voice tonight!” A few cheers call out. Emma swears she hears her sisters among them. “But, before we do any more songs, please put your hands together for Kingdom Choir and the wonderful National City orchestra!”

Emma turns to them and applauds. Careful not to whack her microphone. Not wanting to annoy the sound technician.

“Seriously these guys are superheroes. As you know, we haven’t had long to prepare this and the level of commitment and energy these guys have… It’s just been amazing.” Taking another sip of her water she places it back in its hiding spot and walks back to the centre of the stage.

“So, ready for another song?”

“YES!” The audience cheer loudly.

Emma nods at the conductor and the first notes of ‘O Holy Night’ start playing.

-- -- --

Lena is sure she is going to have goosebumps permanently on her skin for the rest of her life. The level of passion and power in Emma’s voice is breathtaking. Throughout the song it feels like a warmth Lena can’t describe fills the theatre. As if heaven had entered and the angels were singing along. Lena’s vision blurs and she blinks in surprise. Tears fall down her cheeks and she wipes them away with her finger. She sees Kara look over at her and they smile softly at each other. Kara wraps an arm around her best friend and they continue watching Emma.

As the song closes the applause is again deafening. Lena stands to her feet immediately, still wiping tears from her face.

“Thank you.” Emma’s voice is barely heard over the roar of the crowd. After a few minutes she motions with her hands for the audience to sit. Finally they do and Emma’s eyes lock with Lena’s for a moment and Lena gives her a tearful smile. Emma returns it, also focusing on her Mom, sisters and friends before looking around the theatre. “How about another fast one?”

-- -- --

The next few songs has everyone dancing on their feet and Emma dances along with them. Not wanting tonight to end.

“Wooo! Now that… That was fun!” Emma breathes out, trying to catch her breath. She laughs as the choir calls out in agreement. “Can you believe we are over halfway in our evening together?!”

“Noooo!!!” Emma laughs as she hears Kara yell loudly.

“But, if I may-” Emma takes another quick sip before putting the water down. “We all know why we are here tonight.” She walks slowly back to the centre of the stage. You could hear a pin drop. The theatre is so quiet as they watch her. “To support the utterly commendable work done at The Luthor Children’s Hospital. Now even though most of us haven’t used the service, and God forbid if you even need to. But, we all know the importance of our health and for our hospitals to have the best equipment and staff to continue serving our city.”

“I’ve gone to the hospital many times to visit the kids. Especially those who used their Make A Wish to meet me.” Emma smiles sadly, always remembering the little faces of joy as she’d enter the room. “And in the hospital, they have a wall, a special, in memoriam wall.” Taking a deep breath Emma swallows the emotion threatening to spill out. The amount of pictures she saw as she took the time to look over them. Such young children, taken far too soon.

“I’m reminded of the cold hard truth, that we don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring. That we lose those we love along the way.” Emma takes another deep breath and looks up at the ceiling above her. Remembering her Dad. The one she remembers before he was taken and changed. The one she grieves. “And yes, Christmas is a joyous time, to celebrate and remember. But, if I may, I’d like to pay tribute to those no longer with us.”

Softly the piano starts playing and Emma pulls herself together to sing the song. On the screen behind her photos of the departed, sent in by the public, is shown.

The fire is burning, the room's all aglow  Outside the December wind blows Away in the distance The carollers sing in the snow.

The audience stays quiet as Emma gently sings.

She can’t help but remember the last Christmas with her Dad. How they played in the snow with her sisters and sat around a roaring fire once they changed out of their wet clothes. The feeling of sitting on her Dad’s lap and have him wrap his big arms around her.

Everybody's laughing The world is celebrating And everyone's so happy Except for me tonight.

Emma uses more of her support to increase the volume in her voice for the chorus. She tries to keep her eyes off the monitors showing the pictures of peoples loved ones.

Because I miss you most at Christmas time And I can't get you, get you off my mind Every other season comes along and I'm all right But then I miss you, most at Christmas time.

She makes it through the next few verses and chorus but feels she’s starting to break near the bridge. Knowing the next set of photos are of Jeremiah and her family. She had asked her Mom and sisters if it would be okay and they readily agreed. But, now Emma isn’t sure if it was the best idea.

In the springtime those memories start to fade with the April rain

A picture of a child Emma on top of Jeremiah’s shoulders is shown when they went on a long hike. A young Alex and Kara are standing either side of Jeremiah, they are all smiling brightly at the camera.

Through the summer days till autumn's leaves are gone

Another photo comes on showing Emma and Jeremiah asleep on the sofa. Emma is resting against her Dad’s chest and he has his arms around her.

I get by without you till the snow begins to fall.

The last picture of Emma and Jeremiah flash up, showing the family's last Christmas together. One where they are all sat around the table having their Christmas meal.

Emma closes her eyes for a moment, remembering that last Christmas so clearly. How she always struggled with Christmases after that. They were never the same.

When she opens her eyes to sing the last chorus tears stream down her face. Her voice cracks but she pushes through.

And then I miss you most at Christmas time And I can't get you, no, no, no, get you off my mind Every other season comes along and I'm all right

Emotion overtake Emma and a sob escapes her lips. She lowers the microphone slightly and drops her head. The orchestra pauses. A few people in the crowd cheer in support of Emma. Who takes a shuddering breath and lifts her head and microphone. Eyes full of tears.

But then I miss you, most at Christmas time.

When the piano finishes the last chords, Karen and a few other choir members race up to Emma and hold her in a group hug. The audience raises the roof in their cheers and there isn’t a dry eye to be seen.

Alex, Kara, Lena and Eliza also get into a group hug. Lena tries not to feel awkward in how she’s imposing on this family moment. But she had no choice when both blonde’s beside her pulled her into it. She keeps her eyes on Emma who is trying to compose herself. She watches as Karen places Emma’s face in her hands and gently wipes the tears away. Obviously saying something encouraging to the blonde who nods and smiles sadly.

Soon Karen and the choir members get back into position and Emma takes a deep breath. “Who's ready for some more dancing?”

The audience cheers and gets to their feet as ‘Underneath The Tree’ begins.

-- -- --

When the final note of the upbeat version of ‘Joy To The World’ finishes Emma curtsies low at the applauding crowd. She can’t quite believe the concert is over as it all feels like a blur now. Confetti shoots into the air and the audience whoop. Emma rises and holds her hand out to the orchestra who keeps playing the upbeat melody. The audience cheers and the conductor bows. Emma next holds her hand out to the light and sound technicians at the back. Finally she holds her hand out to the choir behind her and the rush towards her. Gathering round her and dancing to the beat. They all wave when the curtain starts to descend, cheering and clapping with all their might.

When the curtain stops moving, separating the audience from the stage, Emma takes a deep breath.

“Well done Emma.” Karen pulls her into a tight hug. “That went better then we rehearsed!”

“Always the way!” Emma laughs and Karen nods in agreement. They pull apart but Karen keeps her face near Emma’s ear to talk to her. The choir still cheering and clapping with the orchestra.

“What are your plans? We are thinking of going to a local bar.”

“Ah I have plans with my sisters and friends.”

“No worries, it was a last minute thing anyway.” Karen smiles at her before turning to her group and dances with them.

Emma watches them for a moment before heading to her dressing room. Her whole body is buzzing with adrenaline, which she knows won’t last forever. And when she crashes she wants to be sat on a sofa with a pizza on her lap.

But it takes her a while to get to said dressing room as many people backstage congratulate her. She thanks them and breathes a sigh of relief when she can close the door behind her.

She grabs her phone and smiles at the many messages from the Superfriends. Mainly from Kara who sends a load of different emojis to express how she’s feeling. She sees the message from her Mom saying she will see her tomorrow as she’s heading back to the hotel to rest. Emma sends her a quick response of understanding before opening the Superfriend’s group chat.

Emma: Thanks everyone! I’ll see you at Kara’s soon! Please order the pizza as I’m starving!

Alex: Do you want us to wait for you?

Emma: No you go on ahead. I won’t be long.

Emma quickly changes into her skinny jeans, tank top and red leather jacket, not bothering to take her makeup off yet. She packs her bags and zips the beautiful dress in its cover. Emma places it on the clothes rail outside her dressing room. She passes the rehearsal room and pokes her head in saying bye to Karen and the choir.

Exiting through the stage door into the garage Emma is surprised to see someone stood by the bug. She quickly approaches and smiles when she sees who it is. “Lena?”

The raven haired beauty looks up from her phone and the smile she gives Emma makes the blonde go weak at the knees.

“Hi.” Lena says softly before pulling Emma into a hug. “You… Em… I don’t have any words for how amazing you were tonight.”

“Thanks Lee.” Emma says gently. She pulls back and places a kiss on Lena’s forehead. “Ready to go?” Emma asks as she unlocks the bug. Lena nods and makes her way over to the passenger side.

The drive to Kara’s was quick as most of the traffic from the theatre had already gone. A few fans were still hanging out on the street and cheered as Emma drove past. She waved at them and smiled while still paying attention to the road.

As they enter Kara’s building Emma can feel the adrenaline starting to wear off. “Why does Kara not have an elevator again?” Emma complains to herself as her movements noticeably slows.

Lena pokes her head around the corner having gone on ahead and heard Emma grumble. “Are you okay?”

“Yea, just starting to feel it.” Emma grabs onto either side of the railings and hurls her body up the stairs. Loud footsteps coming from above make her look up. Suddenly Kara and Alex are standing at the top of the flight of stairs. Lena smiles at them and continues past them, walking up to Kara’s floor.

“Need a hand?” Alex smiles down at her sister.

“No. I can-” Emma takes a step but falters. “Please.” Emma sighs out.

Both sisters race down to her and take an arm each.

“If you ever move can you please get a place with an elevator?” Emma breathes out as they walk together up the stairs.

“No promises little one!” Kara sings out and laughs as Emma huffs.

“Anyway, you are young, fit and healthy!” Alex teases, poking Emma in the side, causing the blonde to squeal and slap Alex’s hand away.

“Normally yes, but when you perform for almost two hours sometimes your body decides to do other things.” Emma grumbles.

Eventually they reach the top of the stairs, Alex lets go and heads to the apartment door.

Emma rests her head on Kara’s shoulder as they walk the short distance towards their eldest sister. Alex smiles at them and pushes the door open.

Applause greets Emma as she steps through and she feels her cheeks heating up in a blush. She smiles shyly and accepts the hugs from the Superfriends.

Finally Emma sits down on the sofa next to Lena and Sam. Pizza is laid out on the coffee table and Emma is given the honours of choosing first.

When everyone has chosen and has settled, Kara clears her throat. “As with tradition after one of Emma’s gigs.” Kara starts speaking and Emma stops chewing, frowning at what her sister is about to do. “Alex and I always talk about our favourite parts.” She smiles brightly at her sisters. “So, I will go first. My favourite bit was during ‘Hark! The Herald Angels Sing’ and you added in the ‘Gloria’ part and the organ came in. Literally the hairs on my arms, well, all over my body, stood on end!” All the Superfriends nod. “Oh and when you had members of the choir throw chocolate and candy into the audience during ‘Joy To The World’.”

“Of course you would choose that Kara.” Alex says sat on the floor, rolling her eyes.

“Well, what's yours?” Kara laughs.

Sighing heavily Alex looks down at her pizza.

“Alex?” Emma tilts her head. Knowing what Alex must be thinking.

“My favourite bit was… when you sang for Dad.” Alex swallows and bites her lip. “It hurt but... it was such a wonderful tribute.” Tears fill Alex’s eyes and she looks away embarrassed.

Emma places her plate on the table and quickly makes her way over to her eldest sister. She kneels on the floor and engulfs Alex in a hug. The redhead sighs happily and buries her head into Emma’s neck.

When they pull apart Emma stays sitting beside Alex. She reaches out for her plate and rests her head on Alex’s shoulder as she continues to eat.

“That was one of my favourite moments too.” Sam speaks out. “The way you sang it was next level. I can’t explain it. Like you poured your very soul into it.”

“Thanks Sam.” Emma smiles at the brunette and continues to listen to the Superfriends feedback. Soon they move onto sharing their past Christmas memories. But Emma's eyes start to get more and more heavy and she can’t help but close them as she still leans against her older sister.

Feeling happy and content with how well the concert went she drifts off into a peaceful nap.

(Part Four)

[our-chaotic-beginnings]

Can I request bakusquad on a first date?

The long awaited request has been filled! Hopefully tungle.hell doesn’t kill be with word count caps. I hope you enjoy!

Mina Ashido

She’d take you out on a first date to the mall! A lighthearted day of shopping (or window shopping if you’d prefer) and hanging out is her idea of a great first date!

Your first stop would be to the local café to grab some much needed caffeine to keep your energy up throughout the day. She always orders drinks with caramel and chocolate to keep her sweet tooth happy, and she’ll gladly offer to pay for yours if you’d want.

Your next stop is to your favorite store! You’ll both have a day at trying on outfits and finding the best styles for each other. She loves thrifting as well so you may find yourself bouncing from shop to shop, hand holding her tightly to make sure you keep up.

Whenever you feel your bellies rumbling, you make a beeline for the food court. If you surprise her by tugging her to your favorite fast food station, she’ll let out a laugh lighter than air and give you a small peck on the cheek. She’s happy that you’re able to keep up with her energy.

After you’ve eaten to your heart’s delight, you’re off to the arcade! Mina bets that you can’t beat her at Dance Dance Revolution, and you’re not one to say no to a challenge. You spend hours dancing at this machine, drawing a crowd around as you do your best to gain the upper hand. When you manage to get a perfect score on a song, she rushes over to you to give you a high five and the biggest hug she can muster.

“That was awesome! You’ve gotta show me how you got so awesome at this game! I’ve got Just Dance in my room, wanna see if you can beat me there?”

Katsuki Bakugou

As loud and brash as he is, Katsuki isn’t the one to instigate your first date. All of BakuSquad could see how he wasn’t as harsh with you, so they decided to set him up for a first date with you. So when he found himself at the meeting spot just outside an amusement park with you frantically checking your phone and looking around for someone, he knew that you’d both been set up by your friends.

He marched up to you and let out a groan. When you had noticed him, you came to the understanding that his friends were meddling with you. However, you shouldn’t let these free tickets with all day passes go to waste, right? With hands in respective pockets, you entered the park side by side.

While you both were fairly uncomfortable and awkward in the first hour of hanging around the park, once you two got onto a ride, you both warmed up to each other. You were riding one of the faster coasters, one that slowly pulled you atop a hill onto to launch you downward and through loop-de-loops.

While you were screaming your head off on the drop, Katsuki was giving a full-hearted laugh that ended with a smirk. A smirk that quickly morphed into a small ‘o’ of surprise when you grabbed his hand. His face flushed as he glanced between your hand gripping his for dear life and how your eyes were squeezed shut. The shock from your boldness faded from him, face returning to his normal hue (albeit dusted with a soft pink blush), and he squeezed your hand back.

Minutes later, the two of you were exiting the ride, and he escorted you, hands still together, over to a shaded table for you to calm down after the ride. Realization hit you that you were holding hands and you tried to pull away, but Katsuki just smirked and squeezed your hand tighter.

“Trying to run away from me now? Tch, you could’ve told me you don’t like the faster rides, dumbass. Let’s go find something more your speed. I can’t be the loser that lets his date feel uncomfortable.”

Kyouka Jirou

As the daughter of two music lovers, her idea for a first date is to a concert. She branched out to a genre that wasn’t her style, more of yours actually, so she knew you’d love it. With a few of her mom’s connections, Kyouka managed to score a couple of front row seats for the two of you.

During the breaks of the opening acts, she makes her best attempts at small talk. When the awkwardness washes over, you chuckle and give her hand a squeeze. You know she’s out of her comfort zone, so you try to ease her nerves by talking about what you liked about the music. You’ve struck a chord with her then, and so when you both aren’t vibing with the music you both chat about how good the guitarist’s riffs were or how you could see how much fun the lead singer was having as she flitted from one end of the stage to the other.

Your attention’s drawn to the stage when the main act appears, Kyouka’s fingers interlacing with yours as she anticipated the first strum of the base for their opening song.

Melodies and choruses passed, and it felt like time had stopped until the band was announcing their last song of the night. However, Kyouka could barely focus on the stage; her eyes were glued to you, taking in your overflowing enjoyment. With every song, you were energetically performing in your seat; you were far more captivating than the girl adjusting the mic on the jumbo screen.

Contrasting to the upbeat, fast paced songs that they had started their set with, a soft tune floated through the venue. The guitarist had exchanged his normal electric guitar for an acoustic guitar. Cliché and mushy words accompanied the gentle music, and Kyouka could feel her heart pound. The band was ending the concert with a love song, a preview of their new album if she remembered the earlier announcement correctly. The singer’s voice gradually built up from a whisper to a resounding belting that echoed through the silent crowd. A split second of silence followed as the singer took another breath; you followed suit to prepare for the next verse, unaware of what Kyouka planned. You turned to check how she was feeling about the song only to find her lips on yours.

“I know that this band was the headliner tonight, but you were the real star of this show. Wanna listen to all their albums on the way back tonight?”

Denki Kaminari

Denki’s idea of an ideal date is just inviting you to hang out with his friends. Some may see it as awkward, but he sees it as the best way to introduce you and to get to know you in a group setting. Today, he dragged you along to his squad’s gaming day, with today being a MarioKart tournament.

Before you even said a word, his friends (with the exclusion of the feistiest member of their crew) swarmed you. They asked who you were, if you had a quirk, and how you’d managed to agree to date their goofiest friend. You laughed and answered their questions with ease, pulling the flustered blonde closer to your side as you joked about accidentally getting shocked by him during your first meeting with him.

Any awkwardness subsided once a controller was in your hand. The unofficial leader of their group pushed a black controller to you, almost a challenge to see if you were good enough for Denki. Everyone was competing in this grand prix solely made up of Rainbow Road at the highest level of difficulty. You agreed wholeheartedly and set out customizing your bike (as you preferred them to the carts) to create the ultimate racer.

The first of the four rounds started off with a blast, with you managing to blow out as you got used to the controls. You ended up way back in 6th place, with only Hanta falling behind you at 8th with NPCs littering the places unoccupied by the other players. The next two rounds fared better with you placing 3rd in the second round and 2nd in the third round. With the final round seconds away, you were shocked to find that your points were tied with the hotheaded Katsuki. This last round would determine it all.

Denki massaged your shoulders during the brief break before the final round (as he was eliminated in the second round with an unlucky last place), whispering encouraging words to hype you up. He was worried about Katsuki’s verbal beating he’d give if he didn’t win; the blonde had been at the receiving end of many of those. Those worries all melted away as he saw the way you were weaving through the NPCs, using them to shield yourself from the explosive boy’s neverending supply of shells. You were neck and neck; in first and second place for the majority of the round. Tensions were high, the room making the group’s chants of your name echo into your very soul. You didn’t even realize you had managed to win; as soon as you crossed the finish line, Denki had you pulled into your lap and was pressing his lips lightly to your cheek.

“You did it! You beat our reigning champ! You’re definitely a keeper if you can even beat Mr. Hot Head himself! You want to do this again sometime, maybe one on one?”

Eijirou Kirishima

As health conscious and ‘manly’ as he is, Eijirou offered a simple walk in the park as your first date together. He would’ve offered to work out together, but some of his other friends (namely Mina and Denki) vetoed that. He chose a weekend that was expected to have a sunny forecast and chose a park that was more than just grass and pathways.

You both met up by the vending machines, him buying you your drink of choice and grabbing himself a bottle of water. Eijirou kept the conversation light, discussing the recent class you both had about team tactics. He had been absolutely enthralled watching how you effortlessly pulled off a combination move with Momo and Tsu. His hand casually reached for yours, grinning wide to show off his pearly teeth as your cheeks bloomed with a pale pink.

Soon you came upon a mostly deserted play set with three sets of swings. You both came to an agreement to swing in the shaded area as a short reprieve from the sun. The conversation shifted from tactics to inspirations as you recounted your first experience with a pro hero: a pro hero from your hometown had taught a general safety course and ended up rescuing an eight-year-old you from flying away when a friend’s wind producing quirk accidentally activated. You recounted your amazement about how she jumped up a few meters to grab you and gently returned you to your spot without making a huge scene about scolding your friend. Her calm attitude and quick reflexes really inspired you to strive to be a hero, especially a hero with attention to handling cases with children involved.

Eijirou relaxed into the swing, swaying as he explained how Crimson Riot’s manly ideology and willpower to confront danger without any hesitation brought himself out of a dark time of self-doubt.  The pro hero turned into an idol, influencing the boy to take on his well-known red hair and paying homage to the Crimson Riot with his own hero name Red Riot. Her further went on to explain that while he admires the manliness of the hero, he doesn’t mean that he admires the masculinity aspect of the word.

He knows the courage and determination of manliness comes in many forms; he exclaims that you exemplify that manliness, especially after learning about what happened during your training at a hero agency based in Hosu City. You had managed to hold off two villains twice your size on your own while waiting for reinforcements to arrive during a small hideout raid. Eijirou was so caught up in explaining his admiration that he hadn’t even noticed that he was slightly pulling you both towards the edge of the raised walking path. He made one wrong step and started falling towards the ground, only to have you grip his hand tightly and yank him back onto the walkway and directly into you. With a blushing face that rivalled his hair, the boy recovered from his blunder with a full-bellied laugh.

“I know I’ve been going on and on about how manly you are and how awesome your training is going. After this, I think I’m really falling for you. You’re my hero today!”

Hanta Sero

A laidback date for a laidback guy, Hanta decides to do a casual movie at home for your first date. He first takes you to the convenience store to pick up all the snacks that you’ll need for the movie marathon. He scored some copies of a childhood classic series that he knew you liked, so he wanted to make sure you both would have enough to last the eight-hour binge.

While you grabbed the popcorn, he snuck over to where the dried fruit were. Despite all of his friends’ eating habits, Hanta favored the healthier options. Although he wouldn’t mind a little sugar now and then if it were you giving it to him. Little did he know that you were lurking around the candy aisle with a specific target in mind. After a few minutes of browsing the shelves, the black-haired teen settled on a large bag of a mixed variety of snacks and met you by the checkout counter.

Hanta paid for your goodies and you walked hand in hand back to his room. After situating the hammock into place and gathering any pillows or blankets you needed, you settled in next to each other and turned on the first of many movies. You both lay there cuddling, him being the large spoon so that he’d have more room to maneuver his elbows so that they wouldn’t dig into you.

Time sped by as you both lay there and enjoyed the corny visual gags that seemed like it was just yesterday that you were watching for the first time. In between laughing your hearts out and stuffing your cheeks with popcorn, neither of you could feel the beating of each other’s hearts against one another nor the warm mood settling about the two of you. The snacks were dwindling, only one bag left unopened as you two reached the final film.

He was the one who grabbed the bag, eyebrows quirking up as he read the contents. Sugar coated orange slices; something Hanta hadn’t eaten before. He asked why you got these instead of anything else. You blushed and gingerly took one out of the bag, mumbling a response along the lines of thinking he may like them. He chuckled and pushed into you, shifting just enough to where he could snatch the treat from your hands with his lips.  

“Well what do you know, these are pretty good. If these are halfway as sweet as you, then I’m in good company!”

[atelophobicity]

Top 10 Things You Shouldn’t Do If You Want to Finish Your Thesis On Time

It’s my entry for September! I’ve been busy in consuming new music, films, and kvariety episodes in my effort to catch up on everything. So, I decided to post monthly to fulfill my oversharing Tumblr needs and to exercise my skills in writing in English and putting thoughts into coherent words.

TL;DR of this: things I’ve done instead of doing my thesis for the past year and a half. I’m not romanticizing my not doing thesis self for the past 21 months, but I’m also not dissuading you from doing other stuff besides thesis because god knows, you will need something.

1. Got a part-time job. This was the first new thing I’ve done that really took my time and effectively gave me no time to do thesis. And yet, this was the most rewarding thing as I learned how to get my TIN, accomplish my deliverables, answer to my superiors etc. Looking back, I wasn’t the best employee and I deserved no job offers on the same company after. But still, it was a stepping stone in the right direction. Adulting-wise, anyway.

2.  Discover the art of creating.

Journal spreads. I bought a 2019 planner and I couldn’t fill it up, so I decided to turn it into a journal-planner. The art materials I used for to design pages are from old supplies bought back when I was in high school or stickers from the fandom-related events I attended. I didn’t spend money and I was given a chance to be creative.

Sew doll clothes. In K-pop, dolls that look like your idol exists. It usually comes with one set of clothes to dress it. As a “doll mother”, I wanted to dress them with new clothes but buying clothes was expensive. So, I just sewed clothes for them. I made clothes from scrap fabrics or clothes no one wears in our household. I’ve been barely successful, but it’s one of the things that keep me happy and make me feel like I’ve succeeded in one measly part of my life.

3. Purged my online files.

From my high school files. Nostalgia has been one of my coping mechanisms. I was able to be provided by lots of it when I discovered that I didn’t lose my high school files and it was on my mom’s laptop all along. Being able to relive memories while organizing my files was the best hours of that day.

To my external hard drives. Since 2016, I have been a hoarder of online files for so long that I have two EHDs to prove it. This time though, I was able to delete content that was either repetitive or uninteresting anymore. I was able to shave off some of my data bytes and am now able to save new interesting content available online (if I ever find one).

4. Realigned my priorities and consumption of K-pop as a stan and as a person by:

Selling 3/4 of my merch. Unlearning the pride that comes with owning K-pop merch was difficult, but overtime, I have been proud of myself for not falling to the traps of capitalism—at least in K-pop. Also! I was able to buy my own concert tickets with the stuff I sold so it is a win!

Joining giveaways instead. No matter how I can avoid the urge to buy K-pop merch, I still can’t help but want to own them. This is where I discovered how joining giveaways was my next best option. It takes a lot of effort and screenshots to win these things. However, if and when you win, it really feels like winning against the odds. You get free merch too!

Actually spent hours to vote and stream. In relation to the last point, since the main requirement in giveaways I’ve joined are voting/streaming proofs, I have been one of those people who collects points on voting apps or has a playlist of music videos that should be streamed. After collecting and/or streaming, I take screenshots, put watermarks there, and tags mutuals if needed. It’s relatively hard work but there’s a feeling of pride when your idol wins the poll or an MV reaches a certain amount of views and you know you participated in making that happen.

5. Rediscover Youtube. Channels like the vlogbrothers and their associates (Crash Course, Pemberley Digital among others), Buzzfeed’s shows (The Try Guys, Ladylike, Buzzfeed Unsolved) were a delight to watch after being out of the Youtube loop for so long. The platform also offered new niches of content and I allowed myself to be sucked in it. From Simply Nailogical to Ask A Mortician to amazing pop culture video essays like Lindsay Ellis and Jenny Nicholson, Youtube has all it for you! Learning something new every day is one of my favorite things and I get to do it with this website.

6. Rediscover my love of writing. (As if I’ve written anything for my thesis but here.)

Made drabbles. There is a weekly activity on my fandom where we write < 500 word drabbles on any pairings. I have been joining when I can, and through the support of the (small) community (back then), I gained confidence to write one. I’ve written at least four now and I’ve not done yet because I’ve been on a slump lately. But I’ll get back to it soon!

Short story. The same account that brought the drabble challenge created a festival where we write a pairing and write a short story with it. I decided to join the event! Not going to lie, my entry was shit, It was the first draft, it needed a lot of revisions and more constructive criticism and yet, I am still proud of it. It was the first creative fiction I wrote since 2019 and I did it in a day. And, I believe it has potential, so I’m going to review and revise the hell out of it someday.

7. Reclaim my college days.

Reconnected with orgmates. Visiting Elbi for registration and consultation purposes are brightened up by the fact that I get to do this. My first four years of college were not kind to me. I’ve forgotten a lot of things because of trauma and deep sadness that I still have until this day, and when I remember good things, they’re few and far in between. The numbered days I was in Elbi during 2019 were also few and far in between, but they were infinitely better than my academic years from 2015 to 2017. I was able to do the things I wasn’t able to do before (mostly attending Happy Ts and eating in newly-opened food places there) and I get to do it with people I love.

Made friends. One of the drawbacks of being a slot-driven student with no care of my coursemates’ schedules: I didn’t get to establish a friend group. So I didn’t get to make friends. During this time, I’ve accepted that I didn’t have any friends outside my organizations. But this time, instead of a feeling of dread of being that cliché orgmate, I feel relief and happiness because now, I realize that I do have friends from college, unlike the 2015-2017 who didn’t have anyone in college to rely on her darkest times.

8. Appreciated my friends more. For the past few years, I was the shitty friend. I agreed to go on hangouts only to message them that I’m backing out the last minute—sometimes I even straight up ghosted them. I really took my friends for granted. I have been slowly making it up to them by always attending when there’s an invite! I sometimes initiate the invite and it’s always a fun and healing time for me (it was a literal healing time for me as I was depressed during that time). I love them and I’m always thankful for them—and more so now than before.

 9. Unlearning things like:

Realizing that a priv (a private account meant to be seen by your mutuals you trust; usually contains unpopular opinions and hot takes on stan twitter) only encourages negative emotions and I must not do it again.

No matter how I tried rationalizing my hate for Jennie when the JenKai dating news happened, I was one of those K-pop stans who hated her because she dated my idol. (I have moved on past that and have started liking her and Rose.)

Knowing that attacking people for what they say won’t make them unlearn their wrong opinions. Not talking down at them and educating with patience is the key, always.

There are still so much more I unlearned and learned where those came from. My main takeaway is: it’s complicated.  Sometimes our opinion needs a more nuanced perspective and sometimes it needs to scrapped entirely because it was just wrong. But it is essential so we, as people, won’t be stuck with outdated views of the world.

10.   Learning something new like:

Practicing how to do Tzuyu’s helicopter hands until I realized it wasn’t meant for me.

Utilizing Omegle to look for potential quaranflings.

Installing Telegram and uninstalling to ghost quaranflings.

How to do laundry in compliance with my mother’s preferences.

Doing two things at once.

Enough patience to take time and read the laws our government makes every day to know what I’m fighting against.

Optimizing my Twitter lists and now I can keep up with current affairs (that takes a toll on my mental health) then scroll through a fic fest-centric list the next (that helps me forget the stress from reading news).

Learning something new every day has become one of my life goals. Knowing that the world always has something new to offer to me, a speck in this universe, warms me up and keeps me going. And you’ll never know where the new tidbits will lead you. Maybe it’ll help you reconnect with something you’ve known before, maybe it’ll change how you see things, or maybe it’s something new that once explored, it will contribute something new to the community. It may seem small and unimportant but with a tweak in perspective, it might be something worth doing and pursuing.

Looking back at my list, I can finally see how if I didn’t do all these things, I would have probably finished my thesis by now and probably working a full-time job, able to provide the financial needs for my family. There will always be regret that I am still not done until now. But stressing over my current predicament in this time when the world is in its most stressful state yet won’t help me. So, we soldier on and hopefully, hopefully get back to the thesis I’ve been meaning to do.

 Let’s get it.

[squirrelly831]

Miscarriage [Jaehwan and Wonshik]

If it wasn’t obvious, this is angst.

Enjoy~

Jaehwan

Jasmine’s pregnancy was going perfect. She was in her last trimester with her  fiancé, Jaehwan, and her daughter. And everything was ready for their daughter’s arrival. Jaehwan had set up the nursery and he had been by Jasmine’s side through the entire pregnancy. He was nothing, but supportive and loving as he was excited to have a child with the woman he loved. Though, they did receive a lot of backlash since Jasmine was pregnant before they were married. However, after being together for as lone as they were, neither of them really cared about the hate because he knew it was only a matter of time when he would marry her.

One day, Jasmine was with Jaehwan, the VIXX members, and their significant others. They were lounging about enjoying the Saturday night together for their movie night. Throughout the day, Jasmine felt off as she would rub her stomach in the hopes to feel her daughter kick or move, but there was nothing. She hadn’t told Jaehwan as she didn’t want to worry him. Something told her there was something wrong, but she tried to push it off as her overthinking.

“Babe, you okay?” Jaehwan pulled her from her thoughts. His hand rested on her stomach. He rubbed his thumb on her stomach as she looked up at him. He pecked her lips, “You feeling sick?”

“No, I’m just a bit tired” she lied. “I’ll make some more popcorn. You guys want something?” They told her no as she got up and headed to the kitchen. She threw in her popcorn bag in the microwave when she felt a sharp pain in her abdomen. She hissed as she held onto the counter out of shock. Her other hand rubbed her belly. The pain amplified as she felt liquid gather in her underwear. She let out a sharp cry drawing the attention of the others.

“Jasmine!” Jaehwan shouted as he ran into the kitchen. Jasmine squatted down in pain as she held her stomach. “Babe, what’s wrong?”

“The baby!” She cried, “Something’s wrong…” Another wave of cramps hit her.

“We need to get her to a hospital” Taekwoon rushed out. Jaehwan and him helped her up, both holding on tightly to her arms to keep her from falling. The others movers out of the way as Hyemin raced to the car and got the door open for her.

Not only had Jasmine had a miscarriage, but she had to give birth to her dead daughter. It was all because of the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck and eventually ended up suffocating her. Jaehwan was with Jasmine through the labor and when they were asked if they wanted to see her, they immediately said yes.

Jasmine cradled their daughter, Lauren, in her hands. Neither Jaehwan or Jasmine could stop crying as they stared down at their child. He was on the bed with her. “She’s so beautiful…” Jaehwan swallowed a lump in his throat as he rubbed his fiancée’s back. “Why can’t she just cry? Just once…” Her voice cracked, “I just want to hear her once.”

Jaehwan held Jasmine close, but said nothing. He didn’t know what to say. His heart was shattered, but he could only imagine how much pain Jasmine felt. He put his head on top of Jasmine’s head as she cried. Jaehwan knew they could get through this, but it was hard to voice it. He wasn’t ready to lose his baby girl. He never imagined they would go through such heartache at the end of this pregnancy.

Wonshik

When Deja found out she was pregnant, she fainted. Her sister, Elfie, and cousin, Kiara, were with her the day she found out. Already mothers themselves, they knew how the shock could be. It sounded bad, but at first Deja didn’t want a baby. Not that there was anything against her husband, Wonshik, but neither of them were ready for that. Wonshik was a successful solo artist who just dropped a new album and was preparing for his solo concert. Kiara and Deja just got approval to opening up their own salon in Gangnam. Everything was JUST going right and their careers were taking off. She knew she had no one else to blame, but herself and Wonshik for not using protection. She knew it would catch up to her.

Even though her sister and cousin encouraged her that it would be fine and that they’d be there every step of the way, she wasn’t ready to be a mom. She was terrified. Even more so on breaking the news to her husband that she was pregnant. Deja had expected him to get frustrated, but instead she was greeted with shock. It wasn’t a bad shock. Wonshik wasn’t ready to be a dad, but he knew it was his responsibility. He was happy that he was going to be a father, but like Deja, he was scared. Neither of them were sure how to be parents.

However, as the first few months went on, the idea of being parents grew to them. Even while Wonshik was out on tour, he was reading up on how to be a father as Deja was on being a mother. He would get pictures of the ultrasounds and he only grew in anticipation that the little deformed thing in her womb was their child. Their son what they came to discover later on.

Elfie took Deja out shopping one day to start buying things for the baby as Deja’s fifth month approached. Elfie was so excited to be an aunt and had plans to spoil her little nephew.

It was during the shopping, Deja felt like a liquid traced her inner leg. She looked down at her bare leg to see a red liquid at her calf. Soon after cramps started to plague her. She hissed as she touched her stomach in a panic, “Elfie, call the ambulance–please.”

Elfie watched her sister go to her knees in pain. She shook seeing blood on the front of Deja’s dress. “So-some-someone!” She screamed alerting a worker. The worker ran over to see what was going on and immediately called for an ambulance.

At the hospital, Deja gave birth to a dead son. She refused to see the child as the nurses took the corpse to prepare it for the wake. Elfie stayed by her side, but Deja didn’t shed a tear. She just stared at her hands that were once covered in blood. “Funny” she whispered. “I didn’t want a child and I got my wish…”

“Deja…” Elfie reached over and touched her sister’s arm. “It’s okay. You were looking forward to having a baby. I understand. Things change.”

Deja’s eyes casted down to her stomach as she let out a weak laugh, “God must have known I was gonna be a shit mom.”

Elfie tsked, “You’d have been a great mom, sissy.”

Deja’s eyes blurred with tears as she looked up at Elfie, “Then why did he take my son from me? Why if I was going to be a great mom? Why?” Deja broke down into tears suddenly. “Why wasn’t I good enough to have my son?”

Wonshik was in Japan when Elfie called him to tell him the news about the baby and about Deja’s state. He was preparing for an interview when he got the call and he immediately called it off. Wonshik was told by Elfie Deja wanted him to stay in Japan and finish the concert as he only had one more stage to do, but he wanted to be with her. Elfie got off the phone as Wonshik struggled to understand the news he was given. He was getting into the idea of being a father and now… now he lost his child and he couldn’t even be with his wife when she needed him. Wonshik felt at odds with himself as he weighed his wife’s wishes to his desires. It was destroying him inside until he bought the first plane ticket to Incheon, cancelled his concert, and hightailed it back home. He couldn’t focus on his concert. Not when his wife was possibly in pain a thousand times more than him.

Part I | Part III

Credit to gif owners

Written & revamped by Squirrelly831

♕ REQUEST

☮ VIXX MASTERLIST

∞ ULTIMATE MASTERLIST

[kingdomkeis]

Dear Taylor @taylorswift ,

I've read your latest interview and I decided to do something I never did before: write you something.

My mom passed away last month from a brain tumor. She was my favorite person in the world, my strength, and the one who supported me unconditionally. Saying goodbye to her is the most heartbreaking thing I ever had to do in my life, especially since my dad is also fighting his own battle against cancer. She never lost hope, and she never stopped smiling.

Life can be though, but people like your mom and mine are the reason why it's worth fighting. Kind, compassionate and essentially good people, who have taught us to choose love over hate, to never judge, and to be the change we want to see in the world.

To this day, I can't listen to "Soon you'll get better", and I don't know if I ever will be able to. It's okay, because when I think of my mom, the song that comes to my mind instead is "The best day". I did have the best days with her, and I will cherish them forever. Her warmth and her smile are what I think of whenever I have a bad day.

I can understand what you're going through, and how you're feeling. No amount of words, or love from your fans will change how you feel, but I wanted to share this because, even from this place of loss, I wanted to share hope. It is something we should never lose. I thought my life would crumble if I ever lost her, but that's not true. My life goes on, and with a new sense of purpose I didn't have before. I can't say I don't miss her every single day, or that I don't have a void in me that maybe I will never fill. What I can say, it's that I cherish her more than ever, and every little thing I learned from her. The world needs more people like her, and we can't change others, but we can change ourselves.

I know this will probably never reach you, but it's fine. If just one person reads this and feels better about their life or their situation, then it's all worth it.

One of the first things I did after my mom passed was buy a ticket for the Lover Fest in Madrid with my friend. We've both been fans for years and we are finally going to see you for the first time. I will scream louder than ever and I know my mom will be there as well, because she always goes where I go. She lives in me. And I'm encouraging everyone I know to love themselves, to go see that concert they are going to love, to go on that holiday they always wanted, to live to the fullest. To surround themselves with love, and to pour this love onto others.

I'm sending all my love and support to your family, your mom and to you. And to everyone who is living a hard situation, and needs a lot of love and hope. I'm sending all my strength and love to you. After all, love is the strongest power we have. My mom's love for me will be always with me, it will never fade.

Lots and lots of love,

Kei.

[haughtdamnversswift]

13 years of @taylorswift

‪(This was actually written in August right after the release of Lover, but it felt right to post it today.)

So, tonight I was cleaning my room and decided to dig out all my stuff from every Taylor Swift tour I’ve been to. I also got out all my CDs from over the years. (Those are all the originals from release weeks, [except the debut album] cracks in the cases and all.) ‬

‪13 years just flashed before my eyes as I was flipping through those books and remembering random details from all those years: ‬

‪Like how the first time I heard Our Song on the radio, I was 9 years old. I was with my best friend in the back seat of the van on the way home from church. She had the same name as me. She already knew every word, and I was enthralled with the sound of Taylor’s voice. (I also was hooked from there. I went and bought her debut album (the same one in the picture above) the next time I got my allowance. ‬

‪Or how I forced all my friends to watch EVERY video on the Beautiful Eyes EP FOUR TIMES at my 10th birthday party. Needless to say, they were all HIGHLY annoyed. ‬

‪Or how my mom surprised me with tickets to the Fearless Tour in Nashville in 2009 the day I got home from visiting my grandparents in Illinois. The reason? I’d gotten my period for the first time the week before (the day she was dropping me off) and she felt bad that she’d had to leave me because of work. ‬

‪Or how I missed the first round of tickets for the Speak Now World Tour in Knoxville in 2011, but saved my allowance like crazy for two months waiting for the second round. I got on my dial-up computer and somehow got tickets for me and my brother. I knew Taylor was sick the first note out of her mouth, but she gave a hell of a performance (before being rushed to the ER at UT Medical Center like 15 minutes after the show). ‬

‪Or how I got into trouble the weekend before Red was released, and my punishment was that I couldn’t buy the CD for a week. I snuck money to my brother to get it the first day, anyway. My mom found out and grounded me for even longer. ‬

‪Or how the day of the Red Tour in Nashville (on the closing night of the North American leg) was one of the craziest of my life. My mom was in pharmacy school in Memphis and met my friend, my dad, and I in Nashville to hang out before the show and had some medical issues. She got the taken care of and then she encouraged us to wait and waited with us for hours afterwards outside the arena to meet the band, singers, and dancers, and then drove back to Memphis for school the next day on an hour of sleep like a fucking boss. ‬

‪Or how I stayed the night at my best friend’s house for the 1989 release night (on a school night, mind you), and we had the best time and didn’t sleep a wink. ‬

‪Or how the road trip from Knoxville to the 1989 World Tour in Nashville with my friends was the first overnight trip in a different city I’d ever taken without my parents. It was my first year of college and I got to spend the weekend with my favorite people in my favorite city. We had the time of our lives. ‬

‪Or how when LWYMMD dropped I was on the beach in Daytona and dropped to the floor for the entire song because DAMN. I was standing in line for the autograph room at Dragon Con in Atlanta when Ready For It dropped and I was already overwhelmed and it fucking blew my mind even more.

‪Or how summer 2018 was one of the BEST summers of my life which culminated in me seeing the Reputation World Tour in Atlanta a week after my 21st birthday. I’m now able to say, “I bought my first legal alcoholic beverage at a Taylor Swift concert” for the rest of my life. (I was the driver so I had literally a sip and then gave it to my friend but the thought still counts okay?) It was also the first Taylor Swift concert I’d been to where I had fully accepted and embraced myself and my sexuality. It was the first time I held a pride flag up at an event that wasn’t an LGBTQ+ one. I was SO scared but I did it, and I was happier than I’d ever been before. That night, screaming the lyrics from the nosebleeds with my best friend (who I’d seen Taylor with for every tour since RED) is still my favorite night of 2018. ‬

‪13 years passed by in the blink of an eye, and I couldn’t be more proud of the journey I’ve gone on with this incredible woman. Taylor has literally been there for (almost) every big moment of my life. Her lyrics, her voice, and her evolving sound have permeated my life and memories. Her personality, morals, and attitudes have given me a role model to look up to and aspire to be.

‪And the best part is that I can’t wait for her to do it some more.

Happy 13 years of Taylor Swift.

@taylorswift

[forumofkuka]

Vans Warped Tour 2018: My Amazing First & Unfortunate Last

When I discovered my love for the emo subculture during the summer after 7th grade, I began expanding and refining my taste in both fashion and music. Spending countless hours on Tumblr - discovering new artists and designers - I eventually came across the epitome of emo/punk celebrations: Vans Warped Tour. As a nationally-touring, all-day rock & roll/punk/metal festival, Warped Tour became the unofficial holiday for all those who identified as “alternative,” almost like a family reunion. Each date of Warped Tour across the United States was a unique opportunity for all the surrounding scene queens, metalheads, and pop punk kids to come together, an event that truly seems like the only one of its kind. Here, dozens of bands/artists come together, perform sets on various stages scattered around the arena, sell their merchandise at (sometimes discounted) prices, and host meet & greets/signings for their fans to attend. Additionally, in the midst of all the music, alternative clothing brands, charity organizations, and local food trucks offer all kinds of products, some you buy and others you can win! Warped Tour is an opportunity for devoted fans to see many of their favorite artists take the stage, as well as discover new ones.

Ever since I discovered Warped Tour, I’ve wanted to attend; every summer, they make a stop in my state, in a city that is barely 20 minutes from my house, yet I’ve never been able to go because the festival always seemed to fall on my mother’s birthday or a vacation outside of the country. Finally, as I’ve graduated high school, Vans announces that 2018 will be the final year for a cross-country Warped Tour. Seeing the heightened stakes, I knew that this was the year I had to go, no matter what; fortunately enough, my local date fell three days after my mom’s birthday, and with a couple of friends, we bought a 4-ticket pack and planned our attendance!

Although it has become less prevalent in my day-to-day demeanor and appearance, my love for alternative music and edgier style hasn’t faltered. Sure, I’ve given away many of my Hot Topic graphic tees and lessened the black makeup, but if anything, I’m listening to post-hardcore, newcore, hard rock, and pop punk even more. Warped Tour encouraged me to step outside of my usual and to finally listen to iconic groups that I’ve neglected to give a chance in the past. Their names were very familiar in my head, but when it came to their actual music, I was clueless.

Two weeks before my mid-July date, I decided to create a collaborative Spotify playlist, where my friends and I (mostly me haha) added our favorite bops from artists that we knew we HAD to try and see. Through personal exploration, I finally listened to Tonight Alive’s latest album, Underworld, and absolutely fell in love. I wish I had given them a chance earlier! Although I didn’t end up sticking around until their set, I know now that I have a new band to keep up with and to hopefully get to see live in the future.

In addition to ‘studying’ for Warped, I spent a couple of weeks coming up with the ultimate outfit. Because I don’t get decked out in checkered patterns, fishnets, and band tees on a regular basis, I wanted to go all out for this festival, even more so because I’d be surrounded by people who were going to do the exact same!

When we finally arrived, July 15th, 2018, at Xfinity Theatre, I felt almost euphoric. I don’t think my friends or I could describe to you how smiley I was. Because of crazy traffic, we walked a little over half a mile to the actual entrance. As much as I’m super proud of being an emo, I didn’t hold back from laughing with my friends at how stereotypical or cringey some of our fellow concertgoers were - I mean, come on, alternative kids are usually outcasts for a reason and I’m not going to deny that we’re usually freaks LOL, I know I am! It was so so so hot outside, but there were many opportunities to affordably stay hydrated, since Vans Warped Tour hosted a large, FREE hydration station right by the Journey Stage and the entrance. At most concerts, any beverages - alcoholic or not - are never complimentary, and so I think this anomaly only shows the care and consideration the creators of Warped Tour have for its fans and attendees.

I felt so in my element. For years, I had only ever had a handful of friends who only moderately shared an interest in this subculture, but it was never to the same extent as I did. Being at Warped Tour finally gave me a chance to feel free, an opportunity for me to not have to tone down or hide this actual part of my identity. Looking back, I’m happy with how it went. We ended up splitting up in pairs for parts of the day, but I was able to watch or listen as I walked around to the sets of almost a dozen bands: Doll Skin, Issues, Real Friends, Unearth, Wage War, The Amity Affliction, The Story Untold, Northlane, Ice Nine Kills, Crown the Empire. Although I didn’t watch all of them fully, and there were various others I had wanted to see, it was so much fun to get a taste of different styles of music, ranging from pop-punk to metalcore, and to also see the vibes of the crowds. Never in my life, have I seen so much dust in the air from crowd-surfing, headbanging, and mosh-pitting. It was amazing, and with concerts already being such a euphoric and almost spiritual experience for me, I loved it even more.

Out of all four of us, I’m definitely the one in the group who is more extroverted, aggressive, eccentric, and just overall “out there.” I almost ran away from the group at times, as I would walk ahead of the group, looking around, and was the only one who seemed to be able to beeline through the crowds. 

Rather than spending ridiculous amounts on junk food, I was able to bring in half a dozen, packaged mini cucumbers, and surprisingly didn’t get them confiscated. Although it was a strange snack to bring, it worked out pretty well as an addition hydration boost!

Instead of droning on about the minute-to-minute occurrences of the day, I’ll summarize some highlights.

One of the funnier moments of the day was unexpectedly walking by a faculty member from high school, decked out in all black with his swoopy, punk-styled ginger hair. I had no idea he was into this kind of scene, but seconds after we walked by, a set ended and he quickly left. While I don’t know if he walked away because he saw that we had seen him, it was such a surprise that the one familiar person we’d see that day, wasn’t a student but someone who had worked in the IT department at our high school.

Another moment was when I was buying an Official Vans Warped Tour T-Shirt, and a girl came up to me, in order to compliment me on my outfit. To be honest, she wasn’t the only one to praise me for my checkered overalls, blue barlot crop top, fishnets, and dark gray Doc Martens. I even received a free sticker from a vendor for my overalls! I felt so warm inside, seeing others appreciate these stylistic choices that I had very much been excited about displaying! What stood out to me about this moment with this girl, in particular, was that she had actually tried complimenting me from her car, as my friends and I were walking to the venue, but I hadn’t heard her! The fact she came across me and went up to me, just to tell me, was so sweet <3

To continue on this train of highlights, although I had went into Warped Tour, not planning on getting anything signed or waiting in line for a meet & greet, I ended up meeting The Story Untold and getting all of their signatures on my phone case! Before Warped Tour, I had definitely seen their name around the internet, knowing they were a pop-punk band. Nonetheless, I had never listened to them before and didn’t get a chance to before the festival. When we were walking around the different stands, partly to see what’s there, partly to kill time until Ice Nine Kills was set to take the stage at 4:00pm, we decided to take refuge by the Fueled by Ramen stand and reapply sunscreen in the shade of the tent. While standing there, we had overheard a really good set by this pop-punk band that turned out to be The Story Untold. Hearing how good they had sounded, we decided to get closer and become more a part of the crowd. After jamming out to their songs, “History” and “Delete,” they had announced that they were going to their nearby stand for a meet & greet shortly after. Seeing as we had loved their set and weren’t planning on going elsewhere for the next hour, we quickly ran to their stand and managed to be within a dozen people from the very front of the line. When watching their set, their lead singer vaguely reminded me of All Time Low’s Alex Gaskarth, in both appearance and sound. In between songs, he mentioned something about the group being French-Canadian, with the drummer, Johnathan Landry, having horrible English, as a part of a bit that continued on. While waiting in line, I kept thinking about why these two thoughts felt familiar, until I realized that the lead singer was Janick Thibault. Back in 2016, I remember watching a few of his All Time Low/Green Day covers on Youtube, at a time when I don’t think he was in the band. The world truly works in mysterious ways. I hadn’t thought about him since, and so it was crazy that we happened to be chilling by the Owly.fm stage, right when they were in the middle of their performance.

Aside from The Story Untold, my favorite set was by Ice Nine Kills, a band that was in my Top Three to see for the day. Besides being basically in love with Spencer Charnas, I absolutely loved their performance. In addition to sounding great, they really took their theatrical sound to the next level by having everyone in the band dress up as iconic and classic horror movie serial killers, such as Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th) and Freddie Krueger (Nightmare on Elm Street). Having probably something to do with their two latest singles, “The American Nightmare” and “Thank God It’s Friday,” it was really fun to watch, and their music completely encouraged an awesome moshpit (that I watched from afar) and a ton of head-banging.

The one downside of the day was having to leave 3 hours or so earlier than I had planned. Of course, it was mildly expected, but that’s part of going in a group, you make compromises, and with some friends not feeling well periodically throughout the day, it was my turn to sacrifice, especially since out of everyone, I was able to see the most artists on my list. Although it was advertised as the last cross-country tour, I know my friends and I - as well as many others - hope that that simply means that Vans Warped Tour might be a regional event, with separate tours on the East and West Coast. Warped Tour was a true moment of liberation for me and I will forever remember July 18th, 2018 as a peak of not only my 2018 summer, but my 2018 year as well.

[anyways-wonderwall]

Album of the Week #20

Stunt

(1998)

By: Barenaked Ladies

Overall Rating: 7.5/10

TL;DR: “The American College Experience” but through the medium of a sarcastic Canadian band

Whenever I buy an album it instantly goes on the “to-review” list, mostly because it guarantees that I'll listen to the whole album several times. This one I found at a record store for $4 and with a single like “One Week” I had no choice but to buy it. I think this is the first album in this kind of 90s that I’m reviewing, so not only am I finally writing a review but it's something unique!

(oh and apparently Barenaked Ladies has a Christmas album?? I originally meant to write this review during Christmas so I thought that was a fun coincidence.)

Overall Thoughts

The first time I heard “One Week” was because of a 90s piano book that featured it and all of its glorious verses, and was further encouraged to seek out that song by my mom who saw them in concert long ago.

Listening to this album was my first time hearing any other song they had written, and wow do they sound like something my mom would listen to. It screams “American College Experience” but through the medium of a sarcastic Canadian band. At first I thought it was too acoustic countryish for me but I ended up really liking this album.

First off, the lyrics are… something. Wikipedia says they’re “college rock” which confused me, but then I heard “Alcohol” and everything made sense. Obviously the lyrics in the album are goofy: “One Week” features the iconic “Chickity China, the Chinese chicken” and the before-its-time “boom anime babes that make me think the wrong thing”, and from “Never is Enough” is the great line “You're sick with salmonella 🤪”.

I think the lyrics that make this feel solidly like college rock are in “Alcohol” and “In the Car”, the first being about discovering the fun of alcohol and the second being about fun “In the Car”. I personally hated the lyrical content of the second one because I just don’t wanna hear that in detail, especially from a 30 something-year-old who is already married with a kid on the way. It just seems like the wrong time to sing about it man.

And that's the tricky thing here, yes I think the lyrics are mostly great and funny, but some of it feels weird when you remember that this band is not freshly out of college, but has been making music for almost 10 years. I think the layer of sarcasm also makes me forget that and makes the songs just funny enough I can forget about it while listening, but every once and a while it comes creeping back.

When I had gotten halfway through the album I had planned on writing that the instrumentation wasn’t anything unique, but it has some gems in there! “I’ll Be That Girl” has something like an accordion, “Alcohol” has a synth that is reminiscent of Splatoon, “Call and Answer” and “When You Dream” have FLUTES (all caps because it is the best instrument), “Some Fantastic” has a samba piano in an alternative rock song, and according to my notes “Who Needs Sleep?” has something that sounds like “the ticket machine at Chuck E Cheese”. That is honestly a fair amount of variation and is quirky enough that I’m hooked.

Oh and I just gotta shout out one more song that is great, “Light Up My Room”. The way that it descends in the chorus?? Just kill me. (My other favorites of the album were “One Week” (which spent one week at number 1), “Alcohol”, and “Get In Line”.)

Final Verdict

I think this album does a great job of sounding very similar but unique enough that I can tell every song apart without trying. The silly lyrics do a great job of getting stuck in your head and the main riff of each one is just as catchy. This album is like a free concert you heard about the day of in the middle of July and decided “why not?”; at the end of the night you can’t get your smile off your face and in your half-asleep haze, you can’t help but hum your favorite on the ride home.

[talesfromacrip]

more ehh thoughts (recent edition):

w o w

can’t even speak my damn mind anymore in this house I guess without getting the whole, ‘get out then if you don’t like it here. look for a section 8 place and blah, blahhhh’ speech.

the signature speech of my parents when I get on their ‘last nerves’..

all just for speaking my mind. lovely

all bc I said something in regards to something political my dad was talking about. then saying black lives matter after bc it was also apart of the conversation

(which is my opinion)

that word doesn’t sit well in my parents ears.. my dad to be specific apparently.

he then started saying I should just look for somewhere else to go and that if I say that again, something will happen. (not anything violent on me,but make me leave to somewhere else type of happen )

guess my parents (specifically my dad) wants me dead if he wants me to go out and find somewhere else to go. it’s not like, idk, i have a fucking immunocompromised system or anything like that ya know?? also.... during a fucking pandemic as well ?? helllloooo, old man?? i just don’t know anymore sometimes with my parents

caught me off guard a bit and hurt really fucking bad.. like, wow. if that’s how you feel, then let me go which you won’t and won’t admit.

used to it though which is silly to say, but I can’t do anything much about it even if i tried. so, I must deal for now anyway I can.

we settled our differences though which, I’m glad, but I hate that I was the first one to do it. shows how it is in my family at times

-

at least my mom and few friends are on my side. ridiculous to be treated like this for having a fucking opinion.  

doesn’t help either to get teased about it. like I haven’t been most of my life already ya know, shit.

sick of this house sometimes. the people in it, I should say.. sigh

���——

———

I feel like I’m not, as ‘feminine’ as a lady should be. adds to my existing body probsss

can’t put makeup on. can’t get my nails done. can’t use bath bombs. can’t use facial creams or certain acne products. can’t buy clothes I’d like to shape my body and whatnot.. it goes onnnn. I would like to do what a lady likes to feel/look her absolute best ya know.

I can’t though. trying?????which doesn’t really go anywhere much tbh

I have an unused makeup palette and lippies going to absolute waste in my drawer.

which, cost me gooood money bc gooood brand. treat myself.

to see it go to waste though,is heartbreaking...

I could be using it now during the pandemic,but I have no one to help me with it. I can’t do it myself with my fucked up arms/hands either so that’s a nope.

my mom won’t help me and I’ve asked. she has more important things to do than make me look like a little clowns spawn.

I have so many ideas and I can’t execute them as I’d like. never can and it hurts. maybe on a drawimg, but having it applied to your face is a much better experience. very relaxing as well,but to take off.. that’s a process

doesn’t help that I’m told I’d look better with it as well, which totally helps my self esteem ya know. "it suits your moon face and covers those acne bits.."

fucking hell.. like, let me be.

guess not though it seems :lllllll

-

I feel gross about my skin.. dry and flaky at times from my medication and bc my body is a lil ass. it’s fucking oily on occasions as well.. ughhh. a whole nightmare, in my opinion

small acne scars,pimples from an imbalanced body in miscellaneous spots and places where they shouldn’t be.. I hate it.

I cannot look at myself without wanting to scream sometimes. I just stare and flip through a plethora of thoughts until I’m sitting there watching myself cry

I can’t buy the right skin products without suffering a break out or some kind of allergic reaction either. that’s how ‘sensitive’ i am.. ughh and people think it’s sooo fucking easy to take care of your skin.

help me out then and do it for me instead of telling me when I’ve said why I couldn’t in the first place..

fucking shit

-

I use to do my nails and paint them different colors almost every other week or so when I was younger. that was when I could move them to a certain extent. now i just can’t much for that. maybe?but I don’t want to risk twisting my wrist again. which, oddly helped a bit, but I’m not risking it

can’t even paint my right hand without leaning into a terrible spine position bc of my curled in fingers. it’s "so easy" though.my big ass it is

so, I just leave them bare nowadays

I have chipped and or broken nails anyway from fidgeting and anxiety. so, that’ll get in the way when they’re colored

sigh

-

bath bombs are the most elegant form of hygienic self care. a bubbly concoction for your skin to dip in.. ughhhh. sounds so relaxing and funnn

can’t sit in a fucking tub though to enjoy it and I don’t have the walk in ones. just a plain walk in shower. every time I see someone post about them, I melt inside. so pretty with the glitter fragments and the colorsss...mm

how I wish I could endure a porcelain tub to soak and forget about the world for a moment.

I can dream, but that still hurts as well.

-

I used to wear slim fitting tops for my stomach bc I was one of the chubby ones ya know.

now, I want to use them more bc my body doesn’t look how I thought it would be at my age. due to medication and lack of movement, just made it worse and it’s not my fault. feels like it is though and I tried. still am and it’s been hard lately with the pandemic. massive buying spells again so, some healthy goods are not available.

apparently though it seems nowadays being ‘thicc’ is in when years before it was absolutely frowned upon.

I got teased for being ‘thicc’ and now I’m somewhat getting praised for it?? kinda weird circus did I buy tickets for? unless I didn’t??

like, what do y’all mean, now it’s in????? stop being such a rude wad of shit and quit playing with people like this.

I don’t know what to accept much anymore and it’s bothers me so damn much

even if you do get praised,you must meet the standards. with some that is, I should say. must be at least some sort of skinny. some sort of, shaped being that I don’t really want to explain bc I feel it’s obvious.

some disabled folks are almost never in this section and when so, seems very fetishized.

hopefully this paints a small picture or whatever size you prefer your canvas to be. I’ve already talked about my body and more like this just gets me upset

———

———

uggh why are people still making stupid party plans, going to crowded places and doing other irresponsible shit... during a fucking pandemic?? It’s literally s o fucking irritating.

these people do not grasp this it seems, but ooooooohhh. gotta go out and risk it for someone who doesn’t even care about my health,others and even themselves.

fucking dumb

-

funny to see them complain about being home and all bc of this. like, how do you think I’ve felt and countless other disabled folks like me? sucks h u h. no freedom to go anywhere for risk of a fucking accident or worse, d e a t h.

it’s easy as hell to stay home and keep yourself occupied but apparently it’s a big ass deal

read, write, draw, cook, c l e a n. go out in your, idk, backyard as your outside relief?? is it really that b a d of a need to go somewhere??

especially when eventually it’ll drain you and you’ll eventually go back h o m e anyway ??t’s ridiculous.

"you should be thankful you can even go out."

yeah, to appointments, groceries, and concerts o n l y.

I don’t have the fucking privilege to go out at my own leisure and when I do, I have to plan like a mf.

it’s not easy. can’t drive. van is always busting on us. parents are my only source of a ride. can’t even generally go out anywhere bc of stupid stairs and all that.

I swear. every time I see a friend, mutual or family put something like that.. irritates me. I wanna comment so bad,but I don’t want to start anymore drama.

maybe soon I will. who fucking knows

———

———

i miss shows and all, but I just don’t as much.

I’m paranoid to think of going to future ones now..

I’ve already missed a majority of concerts my whole childhood and teen years due to my disability.

I don’t want to miss out on my young adult life now that I’m somewhat in a ‘better state’ bc some of y’all don’t want to be cautious and follow rules.

shows are therapeutic for me, but idk anymore now if it’s makimg me like this

disabled folks like myself who enjoy these shows are in so much fucking danger, it’s ridiculous.

we already were anyways with moshing and all.. which I know some act like they don’t know.

y’all are so desperate to go like, what about the other fandom folks who can’t even attend these shows though?? sad

these lives performances some artists have been doing are perfect and we need to support them more with this format. encourage the fuck out of them like the do to us with their music and whatnot.

I was so fucking thankful DGD did one.

it was a great time, but not so great when everyone is like, but what about an ‘actual show’?

it’s just, never enough with some of the fans I swear. irritating

yeahhh ,lets risk the fuckin band/bands getting sick so they can play for us. yasssss. shows how much they read up on the members and care about their health/wellbeing.

———

———

being sober brings back a lot of suppressed memories. nights are bit hard when going through this

makes me remember quite a bit of conversations that others have probably or most likely have forgotten by now as well

irritating and sad. that’s how I get some of my dreams as well which cause lack of sleep at timessss y a y

———

———

I, over share too much at times it seems.. how the hell do people want to know me though????

if I’m making the situation, odd or whatever, fucking tell me instead of ignoring it and trying to move on with some stupid shit

if I can fucking sit through y’alls oversharing.. can with fucking mine

———

———

I hate how everything that’s so wholesome and genuine I see, I can barely even do and say..

I especially hate how I imagine it with someone who deserves better. this is wearing me out I swear to fucking god

I put some of my eggs in the wrong basket.. again

ohhh fucking boooyyy

least it’s a good basket..

———

sometimes I feel so uneducated when taking with friends. my mind is like a fucking mad libs book on new game plus.

it’s blanks out and replaces important vocabulary with some silly childish shit instead

[anothermisguidedmillennial]

The Art of Going Solo

I do a lot of things alone, and it’s the best thing ever. I’m a particularly big advocate for solo travel, especially for single women, because it will absolutely change your perspective on the “strong, independent woman” narrative. There’s nothing more independent then running around Northern Italy with no grip on the language and no one else to lean on but your own strong will. If that doesn’t teach independence, I don’t know what will.

I was talking to a coworker last week about solo travel, and my intention of doing it again soon in a country where I do not speak the native language. We gushed over travel stories, and she said to me, “It’s so amazing that you can do that kind of thing alone, I wish I could.”

I’m sure I gave her the weirdest look in the world. I almost replied, “You totally could. All you need to do is buy a ticket and not invite anyone else.” Luckily, I just nodded my head and encouraged her to give it a try, espousing the same rhetoric about its life changing properties.

This comes up so often when I speak to other women about my life experiences. I’m told by some astrologist fanatics that this is because of my Gemini nature, but I find myself craving change every year and a half or so. I feel like my life gets predictable and boring. One of my favorite quotes from a HONY post reads, “I want to feel like a tourist in my own life again.” This was exactly how I felt when I moved to Boston, and I suspect how I’ll feel at the completion of my graduate program here.

The truth is, I do a lot of things alone. I go to dinner alone, I’ve been to the movies alone, I frequently try to attend concerts alone, and on Saturday’s I take long walks around the city, often with my camera, and you guessed it, alone.

So many folks think this is a really weird quality. I’ll tell them my plans to do something that weekend, and they’ll immediately ask who I’m doing it with, and I’ll just respond with, “myself.” They always shoot me this knowing look, like I didn’t elect to do this solo, and that someone must have bailed on pre-made plans.

Here’s one thing I’ve learned: there is no shame in admitting to yourself that some of your favorite moments in your life have happened while no one was watching. When no one else is there to comment on your actions, emotions or reactions, you are free to act how you truly want to act. I’ve never felt more strong and self-assured than when I hiked to the top of a mountain in Italy by myself (and soon fell about 10 ft. down said mountain, but that’s beside the point) or when I traveled to Poland alone to pay homage to Holocaust victims at Auschwitz. There was nothing more freeing than looking around me at the John Lennon Wall in Prague and not seeing anyone I knew, and not having to worry about someone ruining that experience for me by saying “oh, this is just a small wall of graffiti,” when I found it beautiful. I even find empowerment by taking a Saturday afternoon to go to the Boston Common alone and read, because I can take all the time I want to soak in how amazing my city is.

I feel the need to put out a disclaimer that I do love spending time with my friends and family. I have photos of them all over my apartment and office, and nothing warms my heart more than remembering the hysterical laughter of my best friends, or eating my mom’s home cooking with family at Christmas. I’m not a recluse who hates the world (alright, maybe I am a little bit).

Here’s my lesson for the week: take some time to be truly alone, even if it just means spending the majority of the weekend doing things you want to do, and doing them without other people. If you really don’t think this is your cup of tea (try it a few times before you knock it), continue encouraging your friends to try it, and don’t give them a hard time when they tell you that they’re spending their free time that day alone.

Tune in next week, follow the blog or the Facebook page (facebook.com/anothermisguidedmillennial) for more misguided suggestions from yours truly.

[lou20orellana]

K-pop: In Honor Of My Mom

Hey guys!

Wow can you believe its been 6 weeks since I posted my first blog, time went by fast. Speaking of time going by fast, today makes a year of my mother’s passing and in memory of her I wanted to make this blog about the music that really brought us together and what we would bond over. What type of music is that you ask?...and if you didn’t ask that’s ok, I’ll tell you anyways. It was K-pop. Yes, Korean Pop Music was our shared hobby and many of the memories I have of my mom are over how we would watch and listen to K-pop.

So with that being said, my blog today is going to be a little bit different. Instead of talking about our top 5 Korean boybands or top 5 Korean songs, I’m going to combine the two and talk about how the song or the group reminds me of my mom specifically.  

So as always, get comfortable, relax, and enjoy the blog!

If you’re a K-pop fan or at least know something about it, then I’m sure all of you would know something about the boy group BTS. This group was actually the first group that started it all for me, and the first group I showed my mom. (Of course this was way before they were mainstream popular)

I remembered that it was in the car when I played for her the songs I Need You, Not Today, Blood Sweat & Tear, and many other songs from them. She was actually surprised because she told me that she didn’t think that Koreans, or any other country for that matter, would make songs or sing. I don’t blame her for her way of thinking because my mother, a Hispanic women leaving her country in search for a better life, grew up only knowing about working and take care of her family, so the fact that she didn’t think about something else that wasn’t that, wasn’t a shock to me, but I really admired her open mind and willingness to learn more about other cultures after that day.  

This song right here, Boy In Luv, was the one she would try and sing. I would catch her humming it or saying a few lyrics while we would go out shopping or clean the house together. How cute was she =)!!

But the songs that she really liked the most were from the group BTOB, or as she would call them, “The Elegant Group”.

This group is really goofy and funny, but each member is extremely talented with their vocals and song writing skills! 

In this band my mom actually learned all of the names to each member, and was even able to tell some of them apart by their voice. She would even give some of their songs different names. For example, Pray I’ll Be You’re Man she would say “No hay para que” and the song Insane, she would say “Eso que ni que”, and she got those names based off of how she would hear the lyrics say. Again...how cute was she!! 

Here’s a list of BTOB songs that were our top favorites and how some of them remind me of her.

Irresistible Lips

Pray I’ll Be Your Man

Insane

Missing You    (Her favorite look for them)

Only One For Me  (Was excited when the album came in)

Beep Beep   (We would do the little chorus dance move together)

Blowin’ up   (Liked repeating the chorus and adding her own lyrics to it)

Someday   (Her favorite song! She would stop whatever she was doing to go stand in front of the television to watch the music video, and would even tell me that she could see them singing it whenever she was just hearing the song without watching the video)

I really wish this group was more recognized and popular so that they could get the recognition they deserve. That...plus I would love to see them one day in concert, but the way things are right now who knows when that’s going to happen, plus they have never done a concert here in America. 

Another group that we would bond over was GOT7, and as you guys can guess, she would also change the lyrics to some of their songs. In this case it was Hard Carry and Never Ever. 

(Speaking of GOT7...their new album came out this week on Monday! Go Check It Out!!)

In the group there’s a member named Im Jaebum, or JB for short, and we would talk about how his vocals were high and clear. Especially in his song Sunrise from the album Lullaby. Speaking of Lullaby, the group made 4 different versions of this song, Korean, Chinese, English, and Spanish. Since we’re Hispanic, obviously we would listen to the Spanish version…and…being fans of JB, we would admire his vocals in that song too!

I’ll never forget how happy and supportive she was of me buying a ticket and going to their concert in 2018. She was my #1 supporter, gosh I love her and miss her!

There’s another Korean singer that would also grab our attention because of his high notes. His name is Lee Hong Gi. He’s also a member in the Korean rock band F.T.Island, but we would love his solo work more.

The song and music video that we would love watching was Monologue, and his vocals in this song would just leave us amazed. To this this day, I still can’t listen to this song without getting emotional, but the memories of us listening to it will always be there.

Another underappreciated artist. Both his solo songs and group songs are great. Plus his voice are just incredible. I suggest listening to Yellow, Wind, Pray, and Paradise. 

Obviously, there are way more songs and artists that remind me of my mom, like WINNER, BIGBANG, Eric Nam, the song O Sole Mio by SF9, and many more but this blog is getting long.

Since her passing, there’s been a lot of new songs from the artists that we both loved, and I know that she would have loved their new music.

I’ll never forget how my mom would encourage me to buy merchandise for us. That is why we ended up having so many posters, rings, pillows, shirts and many other stuff from all these K-pop groups we liked. I will also never forget how excited she would get whenever my new albums would come in, and she would go in my room with the package and ask “What did we get…” knowing that it was K-pop related. Her personality was so cute and adorable, and I know that she probably did all of that because she knew I liked them, and just wanted to make me happy. For that I will always have her in my memories, love her, cherish her, and appreciate her as an amazing mother should be appreciated.

 Well guys this is the end of my blog. I would also like to thank you guys for taking the time to read my blogs, and remember that you can also reach me on my other social media accounts.

Your friend,

Lou

 Instagram: lou20orellana

Twitter: lou_orellana  

[onlyonewoman]

Girls (or: the battle of skirts and potatos)

Another lowbones ficlet from the modern AU Aces of Spades and Hearts/Down Foreverdark Woods Trail series with Billy and Ned as an asexual married couple, set around eighteen years later, when Billy’s and Ned’s adoptive daughter Roisin is in her late teens, starting with... potatos. ***                   ”Honestly, I’m not so into this.” ”Why? ’Cause they’re Americans? You’re such a snob.” ”Watch it. I have more reasons to hate the English than Americans.” Ned finished peeling the last potato and put the pot on the stow. Billy pouted and did his best puppy eyes. ”I’m so sorry for the way my country treated you, Mr. Manderly-Low. Please, accept my peace offering.” He picked up a bag of potatos from the shopping bag and in the next second, he was running for his life, laughing, with a trail of earthy potatos and a one-eyed Irishman after him. ”Hey, hey! Stop it, Ned!” ”Ye’re such a bag of dicks!” ”That’s our food you’re throwing!” ”Aye. Enjoying it?” Billy jumped into the living room and fetched his armed husband from the doorway, locking him in a tight hug. ”Surrender!” ”Never!” ”What the hell are you guys doing?” The two combattants turned around to their sixteen-year-old, standing with raised eyebrows and crossed arms in the hallway. Billy quickly let go of his husband and cleared his throat. ”Uhm… hi, pumpkin. How was football practise?” ”Good. Why are you running around with potatos?” ”Oh, you know your da… Loves potatos. Ouch!” Ned elbowed Billy and Roisin rolled her eyes. ”You’re so lame! It’s gonna be so embarressing when Lucy’s parents come over.” Ned rose his hands. ”I swear: no potato throwing, no Ireland vs. England jokes and no black metal. And no football.” Roisin kicked one of the potatos through the kitchen door. ”Actually, please talk about football, then at least her dad will be happy.” ”And her maw?” ”Sorry, da. No theatre or books. She’s a broker and leads aerobic classes.” ”Oh, for fucks sake…” Ned shook his head and Billy choked a laughter as he turned the heat down on the stove. ”Don’t worry, Rose, we’ll behave. Promise. Right, Ned?” ”I’ll behave. They’re not Christians, I hope?” ”Protestant fundamentalists. I think their ancestors fought against the Catholics on Ireland. They have necklaces made from the teeth of Irish babies. Really Catholic babies.” Roisin grinned and Ned patted her cheek. ”Very funny, pumpkin. Now go get yer clothes in the laundry before they mold. Dinner’s ready in ten.” ”What’s more than thrown potatos?” ”Plaice and carrots.” ”Thrown?” ”Laundry. Now.” ”Yes, da. Oh, can I go see Lucy after dinner?” Ned gave her a curious look. ”Didn’t ye just see her at school?” ”So? I can’t see my friends now?” Ned rolled his eyes. ”Just kidding, pumpking. As long as ye’re home by ten. School night, ye know.” Roisín gave her da a quick hug. ”Thanks, da!” Their daughter disappeared from the kitchen and Ned started with the carrots and seasoned the fish, still smiling to himself, shaking his head. Billy opened the door to let Gwin out in the garden and then he fetched his husband’s cardigan, draping it over him by the sink. Ned snorted. ”Didn’t even ask for it.” ”Lift your feet.” Wollen socks and Ned wanted to say he didn’t need them, but the autumn air was chilly and the door open for Gwin. Sometimes Ned thought his husband knew him far too well. Billy wrapped his arms around him and nuzzled his hair. ”You know, you’re so alike, you and Rose, I almost get jealous sometimes.” ”Come on, Billy… She fucking adores ye.” ”You think we should, you know, encourage her to be more… girly?” ”What?” Billy shrugged. ”Well, you know… Wear skirts and stuff, buy make-up…” ”Sweetheart, I hate to break this to ye, but yer daughter’s sixteen and if she by some mysterious reason doesn’t know what to wear, she wont ask us. She’ll ask…” ”John. I know, I know, it’s just that…” ”What? Ye want her to wear more pink so she’ll remember she’s a beaur?” ”Alright, I’m silly.” ”Aye, ye are. What are ye really worrying ’bout, muppet?” ”Uhm…” The sound of Roisin coming down from her room had Billy give Ned a quick kiss on the ear. ”We’ll talk later, hon.” To be honest, Billy wasn’t very keen on having a second dinner date with Roisin’s friends parents either. Not because they were American, but because Ned wasn’t very comfortable with new people. But since their daughters were hanging out regularly and Lucy’s mother had insisted on a dinner and it would’ve been rude not to make an invitation in return, Billy and Ned now had a dinner for eight planned this Saturday, including four parents and four kids. Ned was already on the brink of a migraine and Billy simply counted the days in silence. Ned gave Gwin and Betsy their food and put the dinner on the table while Billy lit some candles. The old kitchen with creaking planks, blue checkered curtains and plants Betsy always tried to chew on gave Ned a calm sense of happiness inside. He felt safe, lucky, just being in his own home with his husband and daughter, his dog and cat. And for being such a ”lame” da, Roisín certainly had a lot to talk to him about. His teenage daughter still had her moments of thinking both her parents were complete idiots, but mostly she talked worse than John, meaning she actually liked her stupid dads. Just like Ned, she wore a metal t-shirt – Cannibal Corpse – and she used Billy’s old Liverpool scarf to school. If that was being lame parents, Ned didn’t really mind. ”Da?” ”Yeah, sweetheart?” ”I need new trousers.” ”Uh-huh. Ye have yer allowance.” ”But these are on sale now… Just this weekend.” Roisín had her pleading eyes and Ned looked at Billy, who put his fork down. ”You have more trousers than me and your da combined, darling. How about a nice skirt?” ”Skirt? Really daddy?” ”Yeah, why not? You’re a sweet girl and you’d look cute in a skirt.” ”Oh, lord…” Ned groaned and shut his eyes, as his husband and daughter began one of their endless discussions about clothes. ”Would you rather have me dressed like a slut?” ”Hey, we don’t use that word unless we’re talking about actual people who’re self-confirmed sluts, like John and you know that, young lady.” ”Whatever! Da, say something!” ”Nah-uh, ye’re not pulling me into this, sweetie. I don’t care what ye’re wearing as long as ye’re dressing properly according to weather. Unless ye decide to wear fucking nazi stuff or I don’t know... heels that might give ye sprained ankles. Then and only then I’ll be worried.” Billy sighed. ”Thanks for the support, Ned.” ”I’m not gonna waste any time trying to convince her to buy some damn skirt she wont use.” ”Thank you, da.” ”But ye have a stuffed wardrobe and what’s so special about these trousers? What colour?” ”Uhm… black.” ”Sweetheart, ye have at least four pair of black trousers.” ”Three.” ”Four. I found yer supposed lost ones behind the laundry basket this morning.” ”Oh…” ”So how about ye wash’em before buying anymore clothes ye don’t need – with or without legs.” ”Uhm… Yeah, I can… have a look at them.” ”That sounds really good, pumpkin. More fish?” *** They’d been married for more than twenty years and Ned’s hair had stains of grey in it, Billy’s wrinkles around the eyes had become more significant and they were still in love. When they’d finished their dinner and Roisìn had left to see Lucy, they took Gwin out for a walk before landing by the fire, a movie on Ned’s laptop and some beer to have a nice evening to themselves. Gwin and Betsy joined them soon. Billy cardened his fingers through his husband’s hair and Ned took a sip of his beer. ”What were ye worrying ’bout, muppet?” ”Nothing, really. Guess I just want her to be my little girl a while longer…” ”Oh, hon… She’ll always be our little girl. She just doesn’t like skirts.” ”Can’t understand why.” ”And I can’t understand why ye’re so obsessed with her wearing’em, Billy. Can ye explain that to me, ’cause I really don’t get this.” ”It’s just… they look pretty on her.” ”And? Ye think she looks bad in trousers, or what?” ”No, of course not. I don’t know, Ned, I just… Damnit, she’s so independent. I don’t know what she needs me for any longer…” ”Whoa, whoa… Stop it right there. How many daddies do ye know who get to take their sixteen year old daughter to games in matching sweaters? Teenage daughters asking for concert tickets to music their da’s like? She’s still practising football in our garden with you before a game, Billy. What more do ye ask?” ”That she’d put on a skirt every once in a while? Is that too much to ask?” ”Aye, it is. Stop pouting and bring me another beer.” ”She has tons of trousers and…” ”Billy…” ”What?” ”Do ye love me?” ”I… Of course I love you.” ”Then stop talking about clothes and bring me another beer. Ye know all we have to do is to make John suggest her to wear something and she’ll consider it. Christ…” Billy fetched a couple of beers and pouted. Ned planted a quick kiss on his mouth grabbed a bottle, let Gwin climb up in the couch and looked at the watch. ”You want me to drive her home tonight?” ”No, I’ll do it.” ”Sure? Ye’re not tired?” ”Not really. And I should talk to Lucy’s mom.” ”Oh, honey… She wont be there.” ”Why wouldn’t… Oh… Right. Teens. You think they’re having boys over?” Ned laughed so hard he spilled some beer on poor Gwin, who looked highly offended. ”Oh, God… this is… Sweetheart…” ”What?” Billy looked completely clueless and Ned bursted from laughter, shaking his head. ”This is priceless, fucks sake, Billy…” Billy pouted. ”Yeah, go on and laugh at your apparently stupid husband, by all means…” ”Sorry, hon, but… When was the last time ye heard Roisín talk about bucks?” ”What do you mean?” ”Sweetheart, she’s having a big poster of Kim Stolz on her bedroom wall.” ”Who the hell’s that?” ”If I say Glee and The L Word, Tipping the Velvet and Casey fucking Stoney, does it ring any bell?” ”Casey Stoney? The football player?” ”With a wife.” ”With a... Oh… Wait what? You mean…?” ”Our daughter is probably a lesbian. Congratulations, hon. The risk of being an early grandfather is significantly decreased and the reason she’s worried about how lame we will be, is because she doesn’t want to look stupid in front of her beour.” ”My daughter’s a lesbian…?” ”Don’t tell me ye’re upset, ’cause that’s just hypocritical.” ”Upset?” Billy grinned and left the couch, leaving Ned to exchange exasperated looks with Gwin and Betsy and then came back with a small tray with two fine glasses and a bottle of really fancy wine. Ned groaned but Billy just kept smiling wide like he’d won the lottery and poured two glasses, handing one of them to his eye-rolling husband. ”Upset? I’m fucking overjoyed! To lesbian daughters!” ”And their gay fathers… I guess. Cheers, muppet.” ”We did a pretty good job, didn’t we?” ”Speaking as if we were done…Ye know John will be so upset.” “Why?” “Because for once, his famous gaydar isn’t working.” “You mean I’m not actually the last to know?” “No, ye’re not.” Billy’s grin turned almost malicious and he kissed his eye-rolling husband. “I love you.” “I love ye too. And we’re missing half of the movie, so shut up, muppet.” THE END      

[noramoya]

COLLECTOR OF SOULS. “My journey with Michael Jackson began in 1992 at the age of forty-two years old. At the time, I and everyone around me thought I had flipped my wig, gone off the deep end, thrown a gasket. Who ever heard of a forty-two-year-old matron falling ass over appetite in love with a rock star. That was behavior that was confined to pre- and post-pubescent, nubile young women. By the age of forty-two – a mother of two girls aged ten and eight – a wife of thirteen years – living in a small rural community in America’s corn belt and surrounded by country music enthusiasts (bleah!), a woman should have matured past the point of mindless infatuation with a rock and roll musical genius. Sure, I had heard his voice and had even sung along on occasion as I drove in my car. One would have had to be living under a rock on Jupiter to have been totally unaware of Michael Jackson in the early 1980’s! I’d seen him and his brothers performing on some of my favorite variety shows and watched his hyper-kinetic dance moves and his effervescent, bubbly personality oozing out of my television screen, but I hadn’t paid much attention to the beautiful child in the fringed vest and pink hat. As he grew, I would accidentally run across him singing one of his vast repertoires of hit records on a radio station. I remember my kid brother (eleven years younger than me, God bless him!) trying to teach me how to disco to Michael’s Off the Wall album in about 1979 or 1980 as my future husband looked on and shook his head in despair of me ever having that kind of rhythm. One of my strongest memories of his voice influencing my moods was during my daughters’ pre-kindergarten days when I was a stay-at-home mom, dancing around the kitchen while preparing their lunch or supper with the boom box blaring Lionel Ritchie’s Dancin’ on the Ceiling followed by Michael Jackson’s and Lionel Ritchie’s We Are The World. I ran to get a blank cassette tape because my boom box allowed me to tape from a radio broadcast so that I could preserve the moment for posterity! My husband often complained that I was corrupting my girls with my love of rock and roll music and that I played ‘that noise’ much too loud and would ruin their hearing. He makes much the same comment today, except now that I have totally corrupted by daughters, I’ve started on my granddaughter. Of course, Billie Jean got my attention and I had to rush out and buy the Thriller album. Lady in My Life melted me the first time I heard it and continues to do so to this day. My encounters with Michael pre-1992 were hit-or-miss, brief, coincidental – perhaps synchronistic. That changed one lovely October evening when my husband was away from home on a church retreat. I had seen ads announcing Michael Jackson Live from Bucharest, Romania to be televised on HBO and had determined that I would watch, telling my girls, “Oh, goodie! We get to see the BEST!” My excitement and anticipation grew until, finally, I kissed my husband goodbye and he drove off in his car. My daughters and I ran into the house, popped a huge bowl of popcorn, got some sodas, got in position and got ready to watch the show. Two hours later, we were all spellbound, speechless, breathless with what we had witnessed through our television screen that evening. I scurried my girls off to bed because it was past their bedtime and ran downstairs to watch again, because, of course, I had videotaped the performance. I needed to be alone with the experience I had just witnessed, for some reason. It was at that moment that I began my walk hand-in-hand with Michael Jackson. As I rewound the videotape, I tried to pinpoint just what it was – exactly – that had so touched me about his performance. Was it the raw emotion he embodied in She’s Out of My Life and Will You Be There, the joy he communicated in the Jackson 5 Medley, the heartfelt plea for all of us to Heal the World!? I really didn’t know much about Michael Jackson; I had no real ‘back story’ to draw on. I stayed up all night that night watching him pour himself out onto that stage half a world away and wondered how he found the determination and energy to keep going, how he performed some of those dance sequences (that LEAN in Smooth Criminal, for example), where he drew such incredible strength and stamina from. I had never seen a performance or concert like it. I had been to several concerts in my youth and had watched some of my favorites perform concerts on television, but I had never seen anything to compare to the raw energy that man emitted on a stage! And I’m not talking just about the energy he expended, although it was considerable. I’m talking about the energy he transmitted – through a television screen half a world away by live broadcast and later by videotape – through his body movements which made it possible for a viewer to see the music – through his voice – that incredible, versatile, flexible, ethereally-lovely or grindingly-gritty vocal instrument that he played with indefatigable virtuosity! I felt that energy bathe me in my mid-western rural home that October evening and wondered what it must have been like to actually be a member of the audience receiving that transmission firsthand! From that night in 1992, I was on a crusade to devour, inhale everything I could find by or about Michael Jackson. I spent the greater part of the next decade absorbing him into my DNA, learning about his devotion to his art, watching and taping interviews, reading books, collecting and listening to his musical releases and short films, researching his humanitarian goals and ideals. I always felt that there was something deeply spiritual about Michael Jackson’s influence on me, something wholly-mystical about his presence, something uniquely-metaphysical in his energy exchange with the world around him. During that decade, I found others who were similarly engaged and began writing my thoughts about this man and contributing articles to major internet fan clubs and fan magazines, defending him against the lies that were constantly being disseminated about him by the media and starting my own little website called Fan In The Mirror so that I would have a safe haven to express my thoughts and feelings about this man who had, without even being aware of it, changed my life and my view on what that life was all about. Things that other people would have dismissed as coincidences I saw through my heightened perception as synchronous happenings placed in my path to encourage forward momentum. I sensed that I was being led throughout this period – led to write, led to send letters to attorneys and publications, led to express the truth as I saw it, led to encourage others to question the daily diet of lies, scandals, innuendos that were published about this man, Michael Jackson. When the decade was spent, I looked back and had a sense of pride in my accomplishments during that period. I felt that 1992 through 2002 was the most spiritually-fulfilling and productive decade I had ever lived. However, my life had gotten a bit out of control – my girls had grown up and had begun to dabble in things better left alone and I was immersed in a negative vibration that took me over completely – my computer had died and, at the time, I couldn’t replace it – and the relentless intolerance of everyone around me to my obsession with a *gasp* rock ‘n roll idol began to persuade me that it was, indeed, time for me to grow up. My husband viewed the decade as an aberration – something attributable to a hormonal or chemical imbalance that had taken over his wife – similar to being possessed by an evil spirit – while I viewed it as being possessed by positive, healing, spiritually-enlivening energy – inspiration, in a word which comes from a Greek root meaning inhabited by spirit. I can so totally relate to Michael’s fascination with Peter Pan. I wanted to be the eternal teenager, wanted to cling desperately to the mindset I had inhabited during the 1990’s but was forced by circumstances beyond my control to release that worldview while, at the same time, yearning for it to return with a vengeance. To say I was conflicted would be understatement of the highest order. I spent several years just surviving day to day, not making any waves, playing the role the world wanted me cast in – wife, mother, grandmother, employee, housewife – keeping busy but just going through the motions without really living them. Whenever I saw Michael’s face on the news, it lifted my spirits. Just knowing he was there – somewhere – brought me solace. But I wasn’t listening to his music or watching his short films or concerts or interviews. I had convinced myself that fifty-plus-year-old women just did not behave in such teeny-bopper ways and that I had a responsibility to my family – and, well, you know the arguments we all use to sabotage our spiritual selves when we are not being soulfully engaged. My world crashed down around my ears on June 25, 2009. I read on one of the news websites at work that Michael Jackson had been rushed to the hospital. I was not terribly concerned at the time – this was not an uncommon occurrence in his life, particularly when he was engaged in conceptualizing, producing, rehearsing a new venture. In 1995, I had acquired tickets for several members of my fan club, The Michael Jackson Internet Fan Club, to attend HBO’s One Night Only. Three days before the taping, Michael was hospitalized with acute dehydration and dangerously low blood pressure resulting from a gastro-intestinal viral infection. I drove home complacently berating Michael Jackson in my mind. “Mike, doggone it! You know better. You are not Superman. You need to eat and sleep and drink just like the rest of us! Why do you have to be such a workaholic? Don’t you know that you scare the crap out of us with this stuff?” It wasn’t until I arrived home after picking up my granddaughter at her babysitter’s house and had begun to prepare her evening meal that the seriousness of the situation forced its way through the negative fog that seemed to follow me wherever I went. My youngest daughter called me and said, “Mom, are you sitting down? Michael Jackson is dead.” “Oh, come on, now, Glynnis. That’s just not possible. Is this some kind of sick joke?” I asked. “Why would I do a thing like that, Mom? I wouldn’t make up something like this. Go turn on your television.” So, I did turn on my television and the images that invaded my haze opened a floodgate of emotion within me that hasn’t been quelled to this day – over fourteen months later. I saw fans collected outside the UCLA Medical Center. I saw Michael Jackson’s shrouded body being loaded into a helicopter and air-lifted to the coroner’s office. I saw fans congregating outside the Apollo Theater in New York City, Trafalgar Square in London, and various other cities around the world mourning the loss of a magical, mystical, magnetic, charismatic Collector of Souls. A week later, with tears streaming down my face, I saw his ornate, flower-draped coffin being wheeled into the Staples Center by his brothers for his public memorial service. I am reminded of Jesus’ words to his disciples: I will make you fishers of men. And, I believe, He repeated those words to Michael Jackson’s embryo while he was still in stasis in his mother’s womb with one little change. To Michael, He whispered: I will make you a fisher of souls and the soul-in-the-making who would be Michael Jackson had to agree to that assignment because each of us has free will. That was his contract and he fulfilled it with such unbelievable style, grace, zeal, humanity and aplomb. Of course, the greater the light, the greater the darkness that must surround it to balance it – that is the world of duality in which we live – without cold, heat could not exist – without day, night could not be experienced. That is the yin/yang of our existence. Without that which it is not, that which is cannot be. I believe with all my heart and soul, that God used Michael Jackson to bring souls home, to show them the way to go, to exemplify for us all how to love without thought to our own comfort, to embody unconditional love, to encourage us to find our own individual bliss and passion and to use our gifts in meaningful ways to make a difference in our own little corners of the world, to personify strength in the face of hardship and ridicule. I believe that God gave him the music in his quiet moments (just as he described on so many occasions), breathed through him as he transcribed His dictation onto tapes, empowered him as he recorded the music in recording studios, encouraged him as he conceptualized the short films to accompany the music and make it visible, transmitted L.O.V.E. through Michael Jackson’s body, movements, imagination, voice as he performed the music on stages throughout the world and closed the circuit of symbiosis with the souls he collected in his audiences hurling that love energy back to nourish his body and imagination and begin the process again. Do I have proof of any of those statements? No – but then such things are rarely provable. We can only know the truth of such statements in the effects we see in our own lives and the lives of others similarly influenced. “By their fruits shall you know them” Since his immortalization on June 25, 2009, Michael Jackson has been collecting even more souls than he did when he walked among us. Stories abound of people who knew nothing whatsoever about him prior to that date but who have experienced a sudden, insatiable curiosity about this man after viewing his memorial service or the filmed rehearsals of his last venture. These people report being moved in a similar manner to the way I was moved in 1992 – to find out more, to hear more, to learn about his charitable work, to avail themselves of the opportunity to watch and listen and learn from him, to be inspired (remember that Greek root?) by him and to be bathed in the energy he emitted like a lighthouse guiding shipwrecks to safe harbor. As a result, they feel changed. They feel the need to be more involved in their world, to give more freely to charities, to donate time and effort to people and circumstances that require their help, to be more soulful, more aware, more conscious. As a result of their research, they have expressed their willingness to continue his work of “healing, pure and simple.” They consider themselves Michael Jackson’s Army of L.O.V.E., recruited by him over a period of years … or only very recently. They represent every nationality, every generation, every denomination, every race, every creed, every ideology. For what possible purpose could all of these people have been recruited? Michael Jackson answered that question very specifically in Oslo, Norway in 1997: “Because you are my messengers to heal the world … and because I love you.” May we all leave such a legacy when it is our turn to become immortal! ” ~ JAN CARLSON .

[kruegersgirl]

Reborn (Flash Fiction May 2017)

“You lost man?” Victor looked up to see who had spoken, and nearly fell back. Standing in front of him was six feet of lanky punk. He had to crane his neck to see her face. She towered over him, her hair spiked a mile high into a neon pink mohawk.

      “Dude? Are. You. Lost?” The girl repeated, clipping each word. “You realize you’re in line for the No Life concert, right?”

        “Yes.” Victor could barely get it out, choking on his nerves.

        The girl was smiling now, less intimidating than just a moment ago. Victor was still too scared to look her in the eye. He tried staring at her boots, but then he imagined what all those spikes could do, and decided to look at his own beat up Chuck’s instead.

        The girl looked him up and down, sizing him up. He was obviously out of place in a plain t-shirt and khaki shorts.

        “What on Earth are you doing here dude? You look like you’d be more at home at Comic Con, church camp, something. Anything but here really.”

        “Probably.” Victor continued looking at his shoes while he explained himself to the girl, trying not to think about all the Marvel posters he had hanging up in his room. He told the girl, whose name he learned was Laura, he had been trying to find a story for the school newspaper when he found an ad for the show and thought he would check it out.

        “So…You just decided to come out to a punk show all by yourself?”

        “I don’t really have any friends I could have asked. I had to sneak out just so my mom wouldn’t offer to come.” Laura laughed at that, remembering her first concert. She hadn’t been alone, but she had snuck out so her mom couldn’t ask questions.

        “That takes balls kid,” Laura said as she playfully punched him in the shoulder. “You’ve got me now though.”

        “What? Really?” This threw a wrench in Victor’s plans to just stand on the sidelines and watch. He had always been more of an observer than a willing participant.

        “Your first show can be a tough one, you’ll need some help.” Laura smiled at him, as intimidating as she was at first glance, her smile was strangely calming to Victor. Knowing that he wouldn’t have to survive this alone, also allowed his heart to slow down to something closer to a regular rate. “You’re lucky this place is even still open,” Victor gave the girl a quizzical look, “the punk scene is dying dude. Fewer and fewer bands play. Fewer people come out. It’s fucking capitalism man, kills everything good.”

        They waited outside the building mostly in silence. From the outside, it could have been any warehouse plopped on the outskirts of downtown. The marquee and old show flyers pasted all over the front were the only things that really made it stand out.

        Laura turned to Victor once the line started to move.  “You don’t have any knives or anything on you, do you? When we get to the front they’re gonna check us both.” She had spewed it all out so fast that Victor could barely keep up, but he understood the gist and nodded that he didn’t have anything on him. “Security didn’t used to be this tight. It used to be you could just walk straight in, enjoy the show. Then one day a metal-head decided to pick a fight with a crusty and got stabbed. Now everyone gets checked. Thoroughly.”

        Victor tried not to let his shock and confusion show. He had a vague idea of what a metal-head was. They had their own table in the cafeteria at school, and they pretty much kept to themselves. What the hell is a crusty though? He decided he could ask Laura about it later.

They made their way through security with no problems and proceeded to a sketchy looking man with a full beard, and beer belly. He scanned Laura’s ticket and then motioned for her to go through the double doors that led into the venue.

        Victor fumbled in his pockets, having somehow managed to lose his ticket in his mad dash to get everything back in his pockets. Finally, he found it in his back pocket, unfolded it, and handed it to the man. He too was motioned through the double doors.

        As he entered the building a thudding bassline hit Victor square in the chest. He thought for a moment that maybe the band had already started playing. When he caught up with Laura, and they rounded the corner though, there was no one on the stage. There were a couple guitars, mic stands, and a drum kit surrounded by more amps and monitors than Victor could count. Laura pulled him over to a spot about 10 feet back from the left side of the stage. She kept quiet while Victor took a moment to take it all in.

        He looked all around him, failing to combat the complete sensory overload that was overtaking him. Another song came over the PA system, less intense than the first, but still just as loud. He thought he vaguely recognized the singer’s voice.

        The room itself was fairly plain. The walls black, though you could barely see them for all the flyers and graffiti. The tile floors were covered in various stains, and were chipped away in places exposing the concrete beneath.

        Victor looked up and noticed the balcony spanning the back of the venue. A few people were filling in the barstools that were set out, but in the dead center there was a solitary older man, dressed much like Laura. She noticed Victor staring, and decided to give him a bit of insight.

        “That’s Johnny Spleen,” she had to yell over the speakers. “He’s the guy that owns this place. He made some money in his band, Tiger Spleen, and came back here to jumpstart the city’s music scene.” Laura waved up at the man and he nodded back. She turned her attention back to Victor, “he’s a cool dude. He comes to every show the venue puts on. He’s the one that makes sure everything goes smoothly.” Victor just nodded, still too overwhelmed to say anything. The two stood in silence as the venue filled up. Laura talked to a few people as they passed by, but spared Victor any awkward introductions.

        Finally, the lights cut out and the crowd erupts into a jumping, shouting mass. Four shadows come out onto the stage and get their instruments ready. Spotlights erupt on the figures. They nod to each other and the drummer counts them in. They launch into the first song without a word, the stage exploding with light as they do.

        Victor’s breath catches in his chest with every beat of the kick drum. Personal space doesn’t exist as the people around him dance and jump in response to the band on stage. He isn’t sure what to do. Too awkward and unsure of himself, Victor slightly nods his head to the beat and watches. Laura is still beside him, jumping in place, screaming at the top of her lungs, fists in the air, totally uninhibited.

        Around him, Victor could see puffs of smoke rising toward the metal ceiling. The whole room was beginning to develop a strange, unpleasant odor that Victor guessed was a mixture of pot and sweat.

        To their right, a ring of people surround a mostly empty patch of dance floor. The few people still inside the circle are running into each other, pushing each other. Fists are flying in every direction, but even though they’re beating each other up they seem to be having the time of their lives. The people on the perimeter of this spectacle push back every time someone gets too close to the edge, keeping the madness at least somewhat contained.

        “It’s called a mosh pit. Lots of fun, little painful though.” Laura leaned in to yell into Victor’s ear. Mosh pit wasn’t a completely foreign term to him, but he had never seen one up close.

        Before he knew what was happening Laura grabbed him by the arm and was pulling him into the circle. “What the f--,” his words were cut off as a two-hundred-pound brute rammed into him, knocking him to the floor. Victor tasted blood. The guy stopped long enough to pick him up like a rag doll before continuing his journey of insanity around the pit.

        Victor looked around and saw Laura across the pit from him, just as care-free as ever as she slammed her body into a wall of people. Victor worked up his nerves and jumped in head first. If he felt awkward standing on the sidelines, it was nothing compared to how he felt now. His movements felt robotic and he had to fight the urge to apologize to everyone he ran into.

        The longer he was in the mosh pit, the freer he felt. All his loneliness, all his insecurities seemed to melt away with every bit of contact. He was hot, and sweating, and the whole pit smelled like a locker room. He actually began to enjoy himself. By the end of the song he was laughing as he bounced off the other people.

        The music stopped, and everyone took a breather while the band’s front man went on about the state of the government and the capitalist pigs that really ran the country. Victor bent over, hands on his knees trying to catch his breath. He was already sore, and trying to think up a story to explain the bruises to his mom when Laura walked over to him. “Come on kid, let me buy you a drink.”

        “I’m only 18, I can’t drink.”

“You can when you’ve got a twenty-one-year-old buying for you. Just stay a little ways back from the bar so it doesn’t look too suspicious.” Victor followed her to a pillar supporting the balcony where she told him to wait. Victor came back to his senses as she walked back over to him, beers in hand.

        “Why did you pull me in?” By now the music had started back and he had to yell to be heard.

        “Well you sure as hell weren’t going to jump in yourself, someone had to give you some…encouragement.”

        “I could have died!” Victor knew that he was being dramatic, but he wanted to make her feel at least a little bit bad about what she had done.

        “You weren’t in any real danger. It wouldn’t have been a real punk show for you if you hadn’t gotten in a mosh pit. It’s one of the most fundamentally punk things at a concert for fuck’s sake.”

        Victor, for the first time in a long time, felt at peace. No one in the building had been out to hurt him, or ridicule him, everyone was there to enjoy the music and just let go.

        “So are you gonna come back?”

        “Only if I get to throw you in the mosh pit next time,” the smiled at each other and he knew that he had found his place. “Also, what the hell is a crusty?”

[themoneybuff-blog]

How to budget: A pain-free guide to building a budget that works

A budget is telling your money where to go instead of wondering where it went. John C. Maxwell I've had more one-on-one money coaching meetings during the past year than my previous twelve years writing about money combined. I used to claim that I'd never do money coaching. Apparently, I was wrong. As I meet with folks, certain common themes stand out. For one, most folks have no idea how much they're actually earning and spending. Their finances are like a black box. They get paid, put the money in the bank, then spend it until it's gone. Almost nobody actively tracks what they earn and spend. Do I have money in my checking account? I can buy something! Because people don't track what they spend, it's tough for them to plan what they spend. Frequently, I suggest that the people I meet with make a budget. Because budgets have been demonized for so long, there's a lot of resistance to this idea. That's too bad. Budgets don't have to be a bother. When used correctly, they're an excellent way to take control of your money. If you pick a budget that fits the way you live, it can help you meet your goals more quickly. The key? Dont think of a budget as a constraint. Real Life is a constraint; a budget helps you break free so that you can spend on whats important to you, on the things that bring you joy. Why Budgets Fail A lot of people get frustrated with budgeting because it never seems to work. They never reach their spending targets. Or emergencies break the budget. Or it seems like so much work for so little reward. I hear you. I've been there. But if you follow a few rules (or maybe guidelines, if you prefer), budgeting can be less stressful and more useful. Based on my own experience and based on comments of GRS readers like you I believe there are a handful of reasons most budgets fail. You may encounter trouble with your budget if: It's too complicated. People have a tendency to make budgets more complex than they need to be. A simple budget is usually more useful.It doesn't reflect your values. A budget should help you achieve your goals, so make it personal. If you try to use somebody else's budget, you're going to have a tough time.It doesn't reflect reality. When you build a budget, base it on your actual income and behavior not on some imaginary ideal you.It seems like a chore. Don't let your system bog you down. Your goal is to have a budget that works, so keep looking until you find one that works for you. To summarize: To minimize the risk of failure, a budget should be simple and easy to use while reflecting both current realities and your future goals. [embedded content] That's all rather esoteric, though. What does a simple, easy budget look like? There are a lot of approaches that work. While some people do manage to make detailed budgets work, I've found that budget frameworks are more effective for me and the people I coach. Today, we're going to take a deep dive into the world of budgeting. Based on my thirteen years of reading and writing about money, here are my thoughts on how to budget effectively. How to Build a Budget A lot of times when a person decides to get their financial house in order, the struggle to figure out how to build a budget that works. It's common to build an elaborate budget that confuses even the person who created it. Successful budgets are usually simple.

In The Only Investment Guide You'll Ever Need, Andrew Tobias offers the following simple yet effective budget: Destroy all your credit cards.Invest 20% of all that you earn. Never touch it.Live on the remaining 80%, no matter what. Although Tobias is being glib, this is actually an excellent system. If you can develop the discipline to follow just these three steps, you can become rich. That said, this budget framework is too loose for most people. (I mean, come on, it only has two categories: saving and everything else.) The 60% Solution A decade ago at MSN Money, editor-in-chief Richard Jenkins proposed a budget that he dubbed the 60% Solution. (That link leads to a Web Archive summary of his framework. The original is article is no longer available because MSN thinks it's smart to throw away awesome old content.) After twenty years of budgeting, Jenkins decided that a detailed budget was too much work for too little information. He developed a simpler framework. With this framework, his goal was to keep Committed Expenses manageable. (Jenkins says that Committed Expenses are Wants or Needs that you can't or won't compromise on. You're committed to them.)

The 60% Solution suggests allocating your monthly gross (pre-tax) income like this: 60% to Committed Expenses such as taxes, clothing, basic living expenses, insurance, charity (including tithing), and regular bills (including things like your cell phone).10% to Retirement.10% to Irregular Expenses such as vacations, major repair bills, new appliances, etc.10% to Long-Term Savings/Debt money set aside for car purchases, home renovations, or to pay down substantial debt loads.10% for Fun Money to be used for dining out, hobbies, indulgences, etc. Jenkins believes that the best way to relieve money pressure is to reduce Committed Expenses. When your Committed Expenses rise, so does your stress level. If you can keep these costs under 60% of your income, you'll have more money to spend on other things like retirement tomorrow or fun stuff today. The 60% Solution looks simplistic but it's powerful. In fact, I Will Teach You to Be Rich author Ramit Sethi (who famously hates budgets) uses this as the basis for his Conscious Spending Plan (which, sorry Ramit, is just a budget). If Ramit likes a budget, you know it's good. The Balanced Money Formula My favorite budget framework the one I teach in workshops and encourage friends to use is the Balanced Money Formula from All Your Worth: The Ultimate Lifetime Money Plan by Elizabeth Warren and Amelia Tyagi. (Yes, that Elizabeth Warren. I'm endorsing her budget framework, not her Presidential bid.) The Balanced Money Formula (which sometimes gets billed as the 50/30/20 budget by bloggers too lazy to do research) is meant to help people save and pay off debt while simultaneously leaving room for financial electives like going out to dinner and cable television.

Warren and Tyagi argue that in order to succeed financially, you must keep three broad areas of your finances in balance. They divide your net (after-tax) income as follows: Allocate no more than 50% to Needs (which the authors call Must-Haves). Needs include housing, transportation, groceries, insurance, and clothes you really need.Set aside at least 20% for Savings, which includes both debt repayment and retirement contributions.Spend the remaining (roughly) 30% on Wants. Wants include cable television, clothing beyond the basics, restaurant meals, concert tickets, comic books, knitting supplies, etc. Warren and Tyagi insist that to maintain financial balance and to be happy, you cannot spend more than 50% of your income on Needs. (Spending less is even better.) From Warren's experience with bankruptcy law, she's seen that too many Americans dig a deep hole for themselves by taking on huge mortgages and car loans. If you want to keep a balanced budget (and eventually build a wealth snowball), it's vital that you spend less on the Big Stuff especially housing. Note that the Balanced Money Formula considers debt reduction to be a part of Saving. I like this. I like it so much, in fact, that it's now part of my personal financial platform. Note: One shortcoming to all three of these budget frameworks is that they target twenty percent (at most) for debt reduction and saving. Twenty percent is great. It's more than financial advisers generally recommend, and far more than most people save. But I consider twenty percent a starting point, not an end point. Ultimately, I think most folks are best-served by aiming to save half of their income. Automating Your Budget Budget frameworks let you wrap your head around the Big Picture, but the framework by itself isn't very helpful. To build a budget that works, you need a system. You need a way to work with framework. I have clear memories of my parents trying (and failing) to budget in the 1970s. Mom and Dad would get frustrated with how broke they were, so they'd sit down at the kitchen table to make a plan. After much heated debate, they'd draw up a budget in a spiral notebook. Over the next few weeks, Mom would track their spending and compare it to their projections. The budgets never worked. It took too much effort. (There were other relationship reasons the budgets failed, but sheer labor involved played a major role.) After a couple of weeks of frustration, Mom and Dad would give up. No wonder they were always broke. Nowadays, things are easier. If other bloggers are too be believed, many folks use Personal Capital to track their spending. While expense tracking isn't the same as budgeting, it's absolutely part of the process. If you don't track how much you spend, there's no way to know if you're sticking to your budget. [embedded content] From chatting with Get Rich Slowly readers, I suspect that You Need a Budget (YNAB) is a better choice than Personal Capital when it comes to automating your budget. This shouldn't be surprising, I guess. After all, YNAB is a tool specifically designed for budgeting! (Here's my review of the YNAB software.) Apps like these do have downsides. Personal Capital is a great free tool, but it's also designed as a lead generator for a wealth-management firm. They're hoping that if you use their software, you'll eventually become a client. YNAB has no nefarious motives in fact, the company is awesome but the tool comes with a small monthly fee. For most folks who need to budget, however, this fee is worth it. Still, you have other options. It's possible, for instance, to buy stand-alone desktop software that lets you both budget and track your expenses. It's no secret that I manage my money with a copy of Quicken 2007. (I'll eventually move to a new version of Quicken. For now, the old version works just fine.) My buddy Jim at Wallet Hacks is a proponent of building personalized budget spreadsheets. In fact, he recently wrote that budgeting with spreadsheets beats automated tools every time. But Jim is a ginormous nerd who loves noodling with numbers. If you're less of a nerd, Personal Capital and/or YNAB might be a better fit. Ultimately, it doesn't matter which tool you choose. There's no single right answer. Try several and figure out which works best for you and your budget. What matters most is that it's something you'll use, and that it's something that will help you reach your goals. [embedded content] Envelope Budgeting Automated budgeting tools are great for most people. Some, however, might need to take a different approach. When I met with my friends Wally and Jodie recently, I got a sense that while they're making progress with their debt, they're still struggling with organization. I think part of the problem is that their budget is abstract. It's not a real, tangible thing but something that exists only on paper or in their heads. Have you heard of envelope budgeting? I asked. No, Wally said. What's that? I gave a brief explanation. The envelope budgeting system is a simple method that you can use with any sort of budget to help you manage your spending. You can use it with the 60% Solution, with the Balanced Money Formula, or for more complex budget systems. The basic idea is this: When you get paid, you divide cash into various envelopes designated for specific budget categories. Here's how it works: Choose budget categories. Use one envelope for each category you plan to track. Write the category's name on each envelope. Wally and Jodie, for instance, might have an envelope for their upcoming wedding, an envelope for travel, an envelope for groceries, and envelope for utilities, and so on.Set money aside. After your paycheck gets deposited, withdraw cash for each budgeted category. If Wally and Jodie have budgeted $200 for two weeks of groceries, they'd put $200 in their grocery envelope and note this amount on the back.Spend normally. Throughout the month, take cash from the appropriate envelopes as you make purchases. When you take money out of an envelope, note the amount on the back. Also note how much remains in the envelope. After you buy something, put the receipt and change back in the envelope.When an envelope is empty, you're done. If you run out of money in an envelope, you have two options. Hardcore budgeters argue that if your Dining Out envelope is empty, you need to suck it up until your next paycheck. Once you've spent your restaurant budget, that's it. Others say that it's okay to take from one envelope to fund another. Which route is right for you is a personal call. But please, don't resort to credit to compensate for an empty envelope.Decide what to do with surplus cash. At the end of the pay period, you're likely to have money left in certain envelopes. You should have a system to handle this. Maybe you want to leave the surplus there, effectively giving you a larger budget in the next pay period. (If you have $87 left in your grocery envelope and add $200 more, then you have $287 for the next pay period!) A smarter move might be to take the surplus cash at the end of a pay period and put it toward a long-term goal. (Wally and Jodie could take extra grocery money, for example, and put it in their wedding envelope.)Do it again. Repeat this process each pay period. If you discover that you consistently have a deficit (or surplus) in certain categories, make adjustments. Here's a terrific step-by-step envelope budget tutorial from YouTube: [embedded content] The beauty of envelope budgeting is that it's system agnostic. It doesn't care what kind of budget you use. You can use it for all of your budget categories or just a few. (I think most people would use it for variable expenses, not fixed expenses like mortgages and phone bills.) Plus, it's physical. The money is real and you're forced to actually handle it and experience the pain of paying. I should note that some people want to use the envelope system but don't want to hassle with actual envelopes. For these folks, a budget spreadsheet is a good way to simulate the system. (Or, you might try to replicate it with the You Need a Budget software.) In 2013 here at Get Rich Slowly, Kristin Wong shared her adventures in returning to the envelope system. How to Build a Better Budget That's a lot of information about budgeting, I know. It might be overwhelming. But before we wrap things up, I'd like to offer a few final tips. Let's start with what I consider the four cardinal rules of budgeting. The first rule of budgeting: Dont worry about perfection. A budget is a target. Your spending wont be perfect the first month. Or the second. Or the third. If you cant get your money into perfect balance, get as close as you can. Learn to make adjustments, and dont give up.The second rule of budgeting: The big stuff makes more difference than the small stuff. Yes, you should clip coupons and shop at thrift stores. But you can save thousands of dollars at once by being smart when you buy a house or a car. Decrease your major expenses like housing and transportation and youll have a lot more room in your budget for the fun stuff.The third rule of budgeting: Make plans based on your real life, not how you wish life would be. Dont budget for possible salary increases and ideal spending habits. If you spend money on coffee every day, make that part of your budget. If you havent received a raise at work, dont count that in your income. Budget for reality, not wishful thinking.The fourth rule of budgeting: Keep it simple. If using your budget is a chore, youll never follow through. Include only as much detail as you need. Find a way to track your spending that works the way you do. Lastly, if you struggle with keeping a budget, it may be because you're trying to predict your spending in time chunks that are just too small. A 2008 study published in the Journal of Consumer Research found that people who made annual budgets were better able to predict their spending than those who made monthly budgets. From the original press release: [Researchers] found that, contrary to popular advice, people were more accurate when constructing an annual rather than a monthly budget, even when they were logging their expenses weekly. Consumers' default tendency is to underestimate their budgets, for both next month and next year frames, write the authors. However budgets for the next year are closer to recorded expenses because consumers feel less confident when estimating these budgets, and therefore, adjust them upward. One reason yearly budgets are more accurate is that consumers consider a greater number of expense categories when they construct them. If you construct your monthly budget in April, will you remember to include a category for Christmas gifts? If you've followed my own spending adventures this year, you know I've encountered some of this. Oops! I forgot I'd have a huge tax liability in April. Oh wow, I forgot that we booked a September 2019 vacation in April 2018. Now the balance is due. And so on. Yearly budgets aren't very useful, however, for planning your day-to-day spending. The obvious solution is to take the best of both worlds: Since people generally do a better job of estimating yearly expenses rather than monthly expenses, create an annual budget.Once you've arrived at your annual budget, divide your estimated expenses in each category by twelve. This will give you a monthly number to work with. The results of this study reiterate that over-confidence is an enormous drag on the average person's finances. We believe we're immune to advertising, that we can handle credit responsibly, that we can pick winning stocks. Yet study after study demonstrates that this just is not the case. In fact, those who lack confidence often make the best financial decisions. This is also true with budgeting. In this study, subjects who were told that budgeting was difficult made more accurate estimates regarding their expenses than those who were told that budgeting was easy. [embedded content] Budgeting Sets You Free For many folks, budget is a four-letter word. Not for money bosses. A money boss views a budget as a useful tool with which she can help build the life she wants. At the same time, she knows that a budget isn't fixed in stone. It's always a work in progress. When you use a budget, even one as simple as the Balanced Money Formula, you need to make constant adjustments. But once you get the most important expenses figured out (your Committed Expenses or Needs), you usually dont have to worry about them much. Your housing payment doesn't fluctuate from month to month, for instance. Your insurance premiums stay pretty constant. The same is true for your Savings. Once you get used to saving a certain amount, that becomes a habit. Your goal, then, is to trim your Needs and boost your Savings until they're both at respectable, sustainable levels. If you can keep these two broad categories where they should be, you can spend everything else on Wants. Spending on fun stuff is less stressful when you know you can afford it. Budgeting isn't a straitjacket. Budgeting sets you free. Want more help building a budget? Try these tools: Remember: If one budget doesnt work, try another. Dont just blindly use a budget from somebody else even Dave Ramsey or Suze Orman. Use their ideas as a starting point, but tailor them so that your budget fits your life. That's what I did, and it worked. Note: This is a substantial re-write of an article originally published 02 May 2011. In fact, I'd go so far as to call it a new article. I've moved forward many of the comments on the old article and, as usual, have placed a marker so you can tell where old comments end and new comments begin.

Author: J.D. Roth In 2006, J.D. founded Get Rich Slowly to document his quest to get out of debt. Over time, he learned how to save and how to invest. Today, he's managed to reach early retirement! He wants to help you master your money and your life. No scams. No gimmicks. Just smart money advice to help you reach your goals. https://www.getrichslowly.org/how-to-budget/