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talkfastromance4 · 3 years

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Temporary--Luke&Lily series

a/n: so sorry it’s taken me a month to complete this. It’s a heavy topic with a lot of emotions and I was feeling what my characters were feeling. This is very detail oriented, some medical jargon (I did my best research and some of it was from watching Grey’s Anatomy which I know isn’t realistic but I tried)

warnings: NICU mentions throughout, premature birth, C-section, sadness, moments of grief and loneliness, some sexual content. **Please read very carefully, this is a sensitive topic**

word count: 9.7k

Masterlist

Luke&Lily Masterlist

Magical Memoriess&Misfortunes (<-- catch up here)

feedback is always welcome, I hope you enjoy it.

****

It’s like you’re in a horrible dream. You’re frozen in terror at the multiple bodies moving above you, their voices warped but all you feel is immense pain and fright. You search for Luke through your blurred and clouded vision. The lights are too bright. It hurts your eyes.

You think you hear your name through the thick cotton cloud that has somehow gotten in your ear. Why can’t you hear properly? Where’s Luke? How did you get on this moving bed?

Another white-hot-blazing pain slices through you. You think you scream. Hands are on you and then it goes black…

…When you wake up, you’re still in this horrible nightmare that won’t seem to end. Usually when the terrible things keep happening, you wake up in a cold sweat.

“…. lovie…”

Your head lolls to the side and you see Luke’s eyes peeking out above a blue mask and a blue cap. It still feels like you’re stuck in a cloud and you feel a tug below you. Before you can look down, Luke cups your cheek and shakes his head.

You don’t know what he means but tears start rolling down your cheeks and then you close your eyes again. Why can’t you wake up? You just want to wake up, get out of this night terror…

…Coming to again and you hear more voices and commotion. You hear the urgency. Their words meet your ears, but the meaning doesn’t register with your brain. What is happening? Luke still has a firm grip on your face, but you look beyond him and see a group of people in blue gathered around a small thing. Their hands work quickly. You wish your tears would make what’s happening clearer.

“He’s breathing! It’s very labored!”

“Intubate him. Page Dr. Chambers.”

“Move people!”

He? Who’s he?

You look to Luke and he’s smiling through his own tears, his forehead pressed to yours.

Just as you’re about to connect the very blurry dots, more pain ensues. This is the worst thing you’ve ever felt in your life. It’s all over your body and it’s in your chest, collapsing onto you.

More voices.

More urgency.

More terror.

More questions.

Then, you drift off once more, the pain ceasing with each gasped breath.

Soft, methodical beeps drift you awake. You’re not on that strange cloud anymore but your body feels heavy, weighted. You search your brain for where you are, the sheets are crisp and your feet are cold. Disney World swims by and you’re confused because you remember waking up after you fainted.

Was that real?

Or is this real?

Then it hits you, like the snap of a rubber band breaking all the distorted memories and voices and hands all come back. The pain. The tug. He…

You gasp and flash your eyes open. You’re met with a white ceiling and wires and tubes suspended above you. There’s commotion to your left then Luke’s face is in your vision. His eyes are red with dark circles underneath them; his hair is a disarray as if he’s been pulling his fingers through it repeatedly.

“Oh, thank God, Y/N I was so worried. They told me you’d be asleep for a while because you lost so much blood…so much blood…but you’re okay now. You’re awake. I’m right here, lovie, I’m right here,” he rushes out in a frantic whisper.

He touches your forehead carefully and he’s so warm. You’re still trying to string everything together but there’s so many gaps in time. You’re pinpointing things by the different types of pain you experienced.

“What…what happened?” you croak then try to swallow. But your mouth and throat are so dry it’s like trying to swallow sand. It hurts.

When will the pain stop?

Luke’s eyes soften, he continues to stroke your forehead and into your hair. He licks his chapped lips then shakes his head.

“I…”

“Did I lose the baby?” you whisper, voice sounding like broken glass. Tears well up in your eyes again.

“No, no, no…shhh, shhh,” he soothes wiping at your tears with his other hand.

“They don’t…” he takes a deep shuddering breath, “you had a C-section. He’s in the NICU being monitored, I only got a small glimpse of him before they took him away. He’s so small and I don’t know what’s happening, no one has come by and I’ve been worried you wouldn’t wake up.”

And then you’re comforting him by pulling his head to yours, he sobs into you and you pet his hair. Your voice is lost, you feel the sudden loss of your baby not in you anymore, your heart is very fragile and seeing Luke like this terrifies you.

But Luke also said ‘he’ and a small smile appears on your lips. You have a son.

“I’m so glad you’re awake, baby,” he whispers. You feel his hot tears soak through the gown on your shoulder.

“Can you call for a nurse?” you ask kissing his hair delicately. At least, you hope you do because your lips are also very chapped and dry. You need some damn water.

“What hurts?” his head snaps up and you see why his eyes are so red; from his tears.

You swallow and swipe at his own tears.

“We need damn information about our son, and I need some damn water,” your voice shakes with ferocity. Luke punches the call button repeatedly until a nurse runs in.

After hydrating yourself with water, Luke took your hand keeping his gaze on you as you demanded the nurse to get your doctor, or your son’s doctor, to come and give you information. You’re never normally one to yell at someone, but your memories have so many holes in them you need to know what’s happened.

The nurse tries to console you but you’re hell bent on finding out about your son. Your son you haven’t even seen yet.

“I will walk there if I have to,” you threaten through gritted teeth. The more frustrated you become the more prominent the throb and ache below your waist also becomes.

“I will go find your doctor right away, ma’am,” the nurse nods frantically and runs from the room. You glare in his wake.

Luke squeezes your hand; you look at him.

“I love you,” he says simply but you hear way more than that.

I’m scared, too. I don’t know what to do either. We’re in this together. I’m never letting go.

Shortly after, a doctor walks in the room, her expression timid and she’s scrolling on her iPad.

“Mrs. Hemmings, how are you feeling? Any pain we can help with? I’m Dr. Wilson and I administered the C-section.”

“I’m fine. Take me to my son and let me know what’s happening,” you demand.

“Mrs. Hemmings, with your son being born at only 25 weeks the next 24 hours is very critical. We are monitoring him as we speak, I have my best staff on his watch,” Dr. Wilson explains, her voice cool and collected.

“What happened?”

Dr. Wilson steps closer to your side of the bed, her round face and almond-shaped eyes show both kindness and fire in them. You’re still on the fence on how to feel about her because she didn’t tell Luke anything.

“Part of your placenta was twisted, and it caused you to go into early labor which also caused stress on your baby. Thankfully, you got here in time and we were able to get him out before it became worse. His breathing was labored and with him being so small and born extremely early, his organs haven’t fully developed yet.”

“Why are the next 24 hours critical?” Luke asks, his hold on your hand is like a death grip.

“Because he’s still so small, his lungs aren’t at the correct size they should be. Lack of oxygen can cause severe brain damage or heart failure. We have an ET, endotracheal tube in his mouth which is hooked to a ventilator to help him breathe. An IV is also administering the nutrition he needs, we’re monitoring his heart rate, blood pressure, oxygen levels, and he’s being kept in an incubator that helps simulate the inside of the womb.”

You take in all the information, your heart longing for your baby boy that you have no idea what he looks like.

“What’s the survival rate for a baby born at 25 weeks?” your voice cracks. Luke shifts closer to you, his other hand covering yours.

Dr. Wilson glances between you and Luke before answering solemnly, “Between 67 to 76% survival.”

Luke lets out a choked gasp and you shift your eyes to the ceiling to keep the burning tears from falling.

“I can promise you Mr. and Mrs. Hemmings, that we are doing everything in our power to make sure he makes it through the next 24 hours. He’s a strong little guy.”

“Is there any way we can see him?” Luke’s voice wavers and is thick with emotion.

“Infection is very prominent right now; any outside contact can make him head in a worse direction.”

“Please,” you beg in a whisper meeting Dr. Wilson’s eyes. You notice that they’re brown. “I need to see him. I don’t want him to be alone if he…if he…”

You bite your lip and shake your head; you’re too overcome with emotions to finish a sentence you don’t even want to think about.

“Mrs. Hemmings, I can’t risk your stitches tearing. You’ve lost a lot of blood; your blood pressure is extremely high due to the stress of early labor.”

“I don’t care! Please, let me see him. I need to see what my baby looks like,” you cry. Luke rubs at your shoulder affectionately saying your name. You can’t look at him now. If you do you’ll lose this fiery courage that’s inside you right now.

“I understand. I’ll see what I can do, but are you sure you aren’t in any pain?”

“My stomach hurts,” you whisper.

“I’ll have a nurse fix that for you. I will be right back,” Dr. Wilson smiles then leaves the room.

The male nurse you screamed at comes back in and makes quick work with your IV. You’re too distraught to look or even speak to Luke so you keep your eyes fixed on the white board on the opposite wall. The name of your nurse is Tom, and you look at each yellow face on the ‘rate your pain’ scale. You’re fixated on the number zero face, it’s the happiest looking one with a wide-open smile.

That scale is wrong. The pain and fear and worry you’re feeling doesn’t equate a ten. It’s too powerful, it weighs down on you but at the same time you feel nothing. The pain is too much that it’s also gone. Your pain is at a zero, a big circle of nothing and everything all at once.

You’re not sure how much time has passed before Dr. Wilson comes back.

“I cannot take you to see him, but I found a way where you can see him,” she smiles then hands you her iPad.

It’s heavy in your hand and you gasp upon the first look of your baby boy. He’s surrounded by blankets under a large light with tubes, wires, and circular patches attached to his tiny, tiny self. You see his small chest moving rapidly with his breaths and you see the tiniest hat on his head. Luke drapes himself next to you, his lips pressing onto your temple.

“There he is,” you whisper touching your finger to the screen. “He looks so helpless…”

“How is he?” Luke asks.

“His oxygen level is still very low, but he’s taking the nutrients very well.”

You’ve already got his features memorized, and yet you can’t stop looking at him. You wish you could touch him, let him know you’re there and that you love him.

“Can we keep this in here?” you ask.

“Of course. I’ll be back with more updates, but I need you to rest and heal yourself, Mrs. Hemmings. Is there any family we need to contact?”

“The girls!” you gasp and turn to Luke.

“Shit,” he exhales then checks the time on his watch. “Lily’s with Cory by now and Posy…shit! I’ll call Ashton and then call Cory…”

He continues to mumble to himself as he searches for his phone. You turn back to the screen, your heart longing for your little boy.

Hours have gone by, the room you’re in is darkened from the night sky peeking through the blinds. The iPad is still on your lap and you’ve heard every conversation Luke has had while he made phone calls. Daycare called Ashton when neither you nor Luke picked Posy up and both of your phones went unanswered.

According to Ashton, Luke sent out a text to the band group chat that said ‘at hospital. Emergency get the girls will call’ but he doesn’t even remember sending it. Everything happened so fast and yet it felt like it dragged.

Posy is at your home with Ashton and KayKay who said will stay with her for as long as you two need. Just when you think of Lily, Luke already asks if they’d be all right picking her up from Cory’s on Sunday and they said yes.

“Lily might want to stay with Cory,” you tell him after he hangs up with Ashton. He’s tapping away at his phone, probably texting Calum and Michael or his family. Or all of them. You’re not sure but now you have Lily and Posy on your mind.

“It’s too late to call him,” Luke mutters and falls into the chair beside your bed. He scoots closer and peers at the iPad screen.

“Where’s my phone? I’ll call him so he and Ella can discuss it,” you hold out your hand.

“Lovie, it’s almost ten thirty at night—”

“Give me my phone so I can call him, Luke,” you interrupt a little too harshly. “Please.”

He holds your gaze for a moment before reaching into his other pants pocket. He hands you your phone and you scroll to Cory’s name under your favorites. You stare at your baby boy as the phone rings.

“Hey, Y/N, what’s going on?” Cory asks and you feel your emotions rising to the surface at the sound of his voice.

You force them down.

“Um, me and Luke are at the hospital. Something…” you suck in a large breath but your voice still trembles. “Something went wrong and I had an emergency C-section and the baby is in the NICU. Posy is home with Ashton and KayKay and they said they’d pick up Lily tomorrow but I know she’d probably want to stay with you. And I…I know it’s a lot to ask of you, but Lily needs to know. She’s been seeing everything going on around her and I don’t want her to be scared.”

“Of course, they can both stay with us. I still have Lily’s toddler bed. How are you? Tell me what’s going on.”

You tell him everything. Luke holds your hand as you do, his thumb rubbing soothing circles over your knuckles and your wedding ring.

“The doctor said he’s all right for now but he has to get through the next 24 hours?” Cory clarifies gently.

“Yes.”

“First of all, congratulations on a little boy,” he says and you can hear his smile through the phone. “You’re doing fine and he is too and he’ll continue to get better because he’s a fighter.”

“How do you know that? He’s so small, Cory….”

“I know it because you’re a fighter, I’m sure you’re giving the nursing staff hell and highwater to get answers,” he chuckles.

“Maybe a little. I feel bad about it.”

“You’re scared and you’re worried and this all happened so fast. But Luke is with you and you’ve got all of us supporting and loving you. You should try and get some sleep and I’ll tell Lily everything in the morning. Do you want me to call you so she can talk to you?”

“Yeah, that’d be great. Thanks, Cory.”

“Tell Luke I say hi and that I’m here for you two, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Love you, Y/N.”

“Love you too,” you sigh then the call ends. You turn to Luke, the circles under his eyes seem to have darkened and you reach over to touch the shadows on his cheeks. “He said he’ll keep the girls and will call tomorrow so we can talk to Lily. He says hi.”

Luke nods slowly then laces his fingers with yours. He kisses the tips of your fingers, his eyes closing.

You and Luke were sent hourly updates on your son. He’s been in the same condition each time, you try to find positivity in that because he’s not getting worse, but he’s also not in the clear yet. When Cory called again with Lily on the phone, you and Luke tried to make your voices sound positive. She asked a lot of questions and wondered when she could come see her new brother.

“He’s a little sick right now, honey. We need him to get better so we can all be together, okay?” you told her and she was silent for a while.

“When are you and dada gonna come home?”

“Hopefully soon, my love,” Luke tells her.

“What about Piggy?”

“Uncle Cal has her at his house,” you make up then quickly look to Luke who’s already pulling out his phone to text Calum.

You’re being horrible parents, forgetting everything like this but all of it still doesn’t seem real. Probably because you haven’t actually seen or held your son in your own arms. Your stitches are healing nicely but your body still seems to think it’s pregnant and that stirs up even more conflicting emotions.

“Be a good girl for your daddy and Ella, okay my sweet?”

“Okay. Can you give my brother a kiss for me?”

“We will, Lily. We love you so much.”

You and Luke tried to occupy your time by watching tv but you’re only watching the bodies move across the screen. You nod on and off but always jerk awake in case you miss the doctor or nurse coming in. Luke comforts you each time, assuring you that there’s no change and points to the screen where you can see your son.

The circles under his eyes only seem to darken with each passing minute. He helps you walk to the bathroom and back into bed. You try telling him he can go home to shower and get more clothes but he refuses.

“I’m not leaving you or our son until I know he’s okay.”

One of your favorite movies is playing on the tv, it’s a black and white film about a couple who adopts a baby girl. It goes through their funny moments trying to figure it all out but it ends tragically with the little girl getting sick. You drifted off before it came to that part and then you were shaken awake by Luke.

Dr. Wilson enters the room with a big smile on her face. You and Luke take hold of each other’s hands, holding onto each other in desperation.

“He’s in the clear. His oxygen levels have elevated and he has a steady heartbeat. It’s still going to be a while until you’ll be able to take him home, he’s still at risk for a lot of infection and we want to make sure his organs continue to develop correctly,” Dr. Wilson explains.

“He’s okay?” you whisper.

“He is. He’s a little warrior.”

“When…when can we see him?” Luke asks.

“Let me check on your stitches first, and if they look all right I can take you down now, if you’d like.”

“Please, please,” you nod scrambling to move your blankets off you.

Luke is wheeling you down the brightly lit hallway in the NICU ward, you see other parents hovering around the incubator their baby is in. You and Luke had to be fitted into the light pink gowns with masks and gloves before you could see your son. You were more than okay wearing the odd things if it meant being able to finally see him.

Luke rolls you in between families until Dr. Wilson stops at the last station near the window. A nurse is standing by writing down something on a chart and then you’re right next to his incubator. First, all you can see is a mountain of swaddled blankets with tubes and wires sticking out from every direction. Then you see slight movement and you lean forward and come face to face with your baby.

Tears are rolling down your cheeks as you stare at him. He looks like he could just barely fit in your palms, you see the quick flutter of his heart through his thin chest that has wired tape. You press your hands to the reinforced plastic, the warmth from the light radiates through the gloves.

“Hi, my baby boy, I’m your mama,” you whisper and you’re aching to touch him. You see the two round openings for hands and you move your hands before looking to Dr. Wilson.

“You can touch him, let him know you’re here,” she encourages.

Very carefully, you insert your arm stretching your finger to his small body. You press against his cheek as lightly as you can, he’s warm and that makes you feel better.

“Hi sweetheart,” you continue to talk to him and you hear Luke sniff behind you. “You’re doing so well. Keep it up so you can get big and strong and we can take you home to your big sisters. Your daddy’s here, too.”

Dr. Wilson moves and Luke takes her place. He puts his arm through the opening and strokes his finger down your son’s arm. Your baby trembles a little then leans into your touches. You can’t help the wet smile from forming, he’s perfect. You rub at his forehead gently.

“We need to name him,” you say looking across globe of your son’s new home.

“I haven’t…do you have a name?”

“One popped in my head just now.”

“What is it?”

“Oliver,” you smile glancing down at him. “I was searching through names online and this one stuck out at me. It has a lot of meanings like peace, wisdom, health, and luck.”

“I think it’s perfect,” Luke smiles. “I know he’s only 24 hours old, but he seems very wise to me, don’t you think?”

“Wise and healthy.”

Tension has been high between you and Luke. You were at the hospital for a week and a few days more because you had contracted an infection at your incision site. It’s pretty common for an infection but that meant you couldn’t go visit Oliver. Once your infection was cleared you were discharged to go home.

You and Luke moved around each other like orbits just passing by. When you wake in the morning you move about the room like robots, barely looking at each other until you’re ready to go. Cory, Ashton, and the others stayed with Lily and Posy during the day while the both of you went to the hospital to visit Oliver. You missed Lily and Posy terribly and only saw them when they were fast asleep by the time you got home.

You’d even forgotten about Posy’s birthday and it made you feel even worse than you already felt. Your hormones are abnormal and your body still feels like it’s pregnant even though you know you’re not. It’s a weird feeling, it’s a sad feeling because you can’t even hold your baby that is no longer inside your stomach.

To your surprise, Ashton and KayKay had orchestrated Posy’s birthday for you and Luke.

“We have to put on a happy face for Po,” Luke says softly on the morning of her birthday.

Your bodies are set to an automatic alarm because of the hospital visits. You’re staring at the ceiling then roll over to face Luke who is also facing the ceiling with his hands behind his head. You take in his profile, the sharp angle of his nose, his full beard and the smooth skin of his arms over lean muscles. It’s been so long since you’ve touched each other.

Does he miss you too?

“I’m trying to,” you whisper and silently beg him to look at you. To kiss you. To hold you. To tell you that everything is going to be all right.

Instead, he sighs then rolls out of bed. You watch the muscles in his back pull and tighten when he puts on a t-shirt and heads into the bathroom. You flick your eyes back to the ceiling, swiping away the tears that fall anyway. You’re only allowing yourself those two tears because you know you won’t stop once you start.

Luke can’t see you break. Lily and Posy can’t see you break.

“Ash said he and KayKay will be here at ten to start decorating. I want to make the girls breakfast, hopefully make up for lost time,” Luke announces out of the bathroom.

“Good idea,” you nod then will yourself out of bed. You force yourself to not touch your belly, but like every morning, you always do. It’s still a little swollen from the pregnancy and the incision, but you know it’s empty.

Before you grab your satin robe, you glance at Luke who had his eyes fixed on your hands over your belly. He meets your eyes for a moment, looks like he’s about to say something, but he leaves the room.

You’re tired of feeling broken and empty.

The girls were ecstatic waking up to you and Luke. Posy was situated on Luke’s hip as he made her favorite breakfast and Lily filled you in on what’s going on at school and with Roman. She talked until Ashton and KayKay arrived and your heart had sunk all the way to your stomach because of how much you’ve missed in Lily and Posy’s life the last few weeks.

You helped where you could with the decorations and then you remembered Posy wanted a dinosaur cake but before you could panic, Cory and Ella arrived with the cake.

You tried to keep on a brave face throughout the party. You helped Posy open her presents, you talked with your friends and family. You couldn’t help the way your eyes gravitated towards Ella who is about 35 weeks along now.

It’s another reminder that you aren’t pregnant and that your baby is in critical condition. You shake it off because you have to. Your phone sends you updates on Oliver by the hour, and he’s remained stable for the whole day which is improvement.

“Thank you so much for doing all of this,” you tell Ashton and KayKay as they’re leaving. Aside from Cory and Ella, they’re the last to leave.

“No problem at all,” Ashton smiles pulling you in for a hug. He kisses the top of your head. “We’re more than happy to help. We’ll plan another one when our boy Oliver is home.”

“We’re all here for you, love you,” KayKay smiles and wraps you in her arms.

“We love you, too.”

“Unca Ash bye-bye?” Posy asks next to you. She looks up at Ashton with big puppy eyes, her arms up.

“Yeah, little one. We need to go to bed, just like you!” he lifts her in his arms and blows raspberry kisses on her cheek. “Did you have fun at your party?”

“Yeah!” she claps her hands.

“Good! Now, you go to bed like mama says and we’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“Otay.”

“Love you.”

“Luh you,” she sings and hugs his neck while KayKay takes her hand and kisses her fingers.

“Let’s go to bed, Pose,” you take her from Ashton then wave one last time as they head out the door.

“I’ll be outside, babe. My feet are killing me,” Ella tells Cory then she moves to you with Lily’s hand in hers. “We’ll be here bright and early so you can go see how Oliver’s doing.”

“Thank you. I’m sorry we’re--”

“You have nothing to apologize for. It’s what families do. Try and get some sleep tonight,” Ella touches your arm, her face turns into a frown. “You look exhausted.”

“I’ll try.”

You know you won’t.

She kisses Posy and gives Lily one more hug then waddles outside to the car. Cory and Luke are cleaning up last call cups and you take your girls to their rooms to do their bedtime routine. You try and keep Posy in your arms as long as you can, hugging her and loving on her.

She doesn’t even make it halfway through her favorite book, Where the Wild Things Are, and then you take Lily into her room.

“When can I see my brother?” she asks as you tuck her in.

“I don’t know yet, sweetheart,” you reply sadly, “he needs to get better first. Dada and I talk about you and Posy all the time to him.”

“You do?” her eyes widen in amazement. “Can I bring him a present?”

“I think he’d like that very much.”

“Mama?”

“Hm?” you tuck her snuffy and bunny next to her under the covers.

“I missed you,” she says quietly.

Your heart jolts. You stop fixing up her toys and look down at Lily, your first baby, and she’s playing with the ear of her bunny. The pink bunny she’s had since she first met Luke.

“I miss you, too. I’m so sorry we haven’t been here with you and Posy. Dada and I are going to fix that, okay?” you ask and she nods. You lean down to give her a kiss and a hug, her arms tighten around your neck.

You don’t let go until she does. You shut off her light and close the door, with just a small crack left open. You’re going to talk to Luke, you’ve decided as you head back downstairs. You tried having just one of you go to the hospital while the other stayed home with the girls but neither one of you wanted to be away if Oliver’s health took a turn.

Just as you’re about to enter the kitchen, you hear your name between Luke and Cory.

“Y/N’s in bad shape,” Cory says.

“Yeah, I know.”

“This has happened before, where she shuts down and tries to fix it herself but she can’t.”

“I know that, too, considering she’s my wife.” Luke’s voice is clipped, each word sharp as a knife. You’re shocked at it; he and Cory have always been on good terms with each other.

“Have you tried talking to her about it? Because the way you two were acting tonight was like you didn’t even want to be near each other. She doesn’t need that, not right now when--”

“Look, I know you and Y/N have a close bond. It’s something I’ve tried to understand but I can’t and there’s nothing I can do to change that. It doesn’t bother me as much as it did in the beginning, but I don’t need your advice on how to help my wife.”

What did he mean ‘in the beginning’?

“Yeah? You had no problem taking my help when you broke up with her those three months,” Cory’s voice now has more of an edge to it.

“I’m surprised you helped in the first place. You think I didn’t notice how you looked at her? We’re handling this on our own.”

“You’re not handling anything! Neither of you are! Yeah, I care about Y/N, that won’t ever change and she’s hurting. Bad. If you won’t do something about it, then I will.”

“The hell you will. I appreciate all you’ve done for my family, but you’re crossing a line.”

“Stop.”

You whisper the word as you stand in front of them but it catches their attention. Luke’s hands are balled into fists at his sides and Cory’s body is in a similar defense stance. They look to you.

“I am trying, okay? I’m trying to stay strong and hopeful for Oliver. I’m trying to keep on a brave face for Lily and Posy. I’m trying to decipher which feelings I should be feeling or which ones are still phantom pregnancy ones and I don’t even know if those are real. My body has already fallen apart, I don’t need my family to as well.”

“Y/N.”

“I feel horrible that I forgot Posy’s birthday. How could I forget that? My mind is constantly running and I’m so exhausted but I can’t sleep because I’m worrying. Please don’t fight, I can’t handle it.”

“Y/N... what can I do?” Cory asks almost pleadingly.

Luke scoffs and rolls his eyes.

“I think you should go home. I know you mean well, Cory, but you don’t want to keep Ella waiting in the car.”

“I can--”

“Just go, Cory,” you say in a softer tone. You glance to Luke who is pointedly staring at a spot on the wall then look back to Cory. “Luke and I need to talk.”

Cory keeps staring at you as if checking that you really want him to leave. You nod. He sighs.

“I’m sorry, you’re right,” he steps away from Luke then grabs your hand. “Call if you need anything.” He gives you a squeeze as you nod at his offer.

The door closes with a soft snap and it’s just you and Luke now, all of your demons joined together.

“What did you mean when you said, ‘it didn’t bother you like in the beginning’?”

“I can’t talk about this now,” he shakes his head and shuffles towards the basement door where his music room is.

Good. It’s soundproof and if there will be yelling, it won’t wake the girls. You follow him downstairs.

“We are going to talk about this now. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with you and I don’t know what to do! We don’t talk about Oliver, so let’s talk about you and Cory!” you follow him until he turns around quickly. His eyes ablaze.

“No, let’s talk about you and Cory. You’re only talking to him about Oliver. You called him right after everything happened.”

“Because he had Lily! You called everyone else!”

“None of them are in love with you!”

“WHAT?! That doesn’t even make sense!”

“When we started dating, I had a feeling Cory still loved you. I saw it in the way he looked at you and he’s been looking at you that same way now. You don’t talk to me about Oliver, you talk to him. How do you think that makes me feel? Oliver is our son.”

“I try to talk to you! But you always pull away! He doesn’t love me like you think he does, and the fact you’re bringing this up now, years later, is ridiculous.”

“Right,” he snorts, “it’s ridiculous that the ex of my wife who is the father of her child still loves you.”

“Yes!” you screech and fist your hands in the air in frustration. “Do you even hear yourself? He’s engaged to Ella. He’s having a baby with Ella!”

“Then why do you talk to him about Oliver and not me? Huh?” he advances towards you, towering over you.

“Because I blame myself every day that this happened and you do, too. You can’t even look at me and I…” you choke on your words; Luke’s hardened expression softens as your words sink in. “I feel like I’m losing you.”

Then you’re gasping for air as the tears you’ve been bottling up come crashing down. Your weird emotions, your worry, your fear, everything you’ve been feeling finally falls out in the open. It crashes between you and Luke like a tidal wave. Your body feels weak and you almost collapse onto the small couch but Luke grabs hold of your waist, his other hand cupping your face.

“Hey, hey, hey, hey. Look at me, look at me,” he rushes out. “I don’t blame you; I could never blame you. This isn’t your fault; do you hear me?” his eyes have a half-crazed look in them and somehow that grounds you.

“W-why wo-won’t you l-l-look at m-me?” you sob coughing out the words.

“Oh, baby,” he sighs then awkwardly shifts around until you fall on top of him on the couch. He holds you tight against him. You’re immediate to wrap yourself around him like a pretzel “It’s because I don’t know what to say. I wish I could make this all better, make Oliver healthy, take all your pain away. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through right now and it kills me to see you like this.”

“I’m a horrible mom,” you cry harshly into his chest.

Luke pushes you off of him and he’s blurred through your tears.

“Don’t you ever say that again. You give everything and a million times more in love to our children. I see how hard you’re trying to keep it together, and it kills me.”

“I’m s--”

Luke mashes his lips to yours and you close your eyes. It’s wet and salty, it tastes of heartache and regret and yet his kiss feels like home.

“You have nothing to apologize for,” he mumbles. “Stop--” he kisses you again “--just stop--” he kisses you once more with his fingers tangling in your hair.

You wanted to be closer to him, feel every part of him touch every part of you but you aren’t past the six weeks mark yet.

“I love you,” you whisper.

“I love you, too. Let’s take a warm shower and talk things out.”

After a warm shower of kisses and roaming hands, you snuggled against Luke in your bed and tried to come up with a plan where you could be home and at the hospital equally. And you both decided that as soon as Dr. Wilson gives the okay, you’re going to bring the girls to meet him.

When you’ve talked and finalized plans, you gaze at Luke as his eyes start to close. You stroke the slope of his nose, itching to ask him about the fight he had with Cory earlier. You open your mouth to ask and then close it just as quickly. Luke’s eyes open up and he pulls you against him, his fingers tickle the skin of your back.

“I know you want to ask, so ask.”

“Why do you think Cory is still in love with me?”

He sighs heavily.

“I don’t. I guess I went back to old thoughts and insecurities.”

“So, you thought he still was at one point?”

“I knew he was because he told me. When we weren’t together those three months, he came by and told me how you and Lily were doing. The way he looked at you...it’s how I look at you. And when he tried to help us tonight…” he closes his eyes and shakes his head in embarrassment. “I was stupid. I shouldn’t have said what I did.”

“I’m sorry you’ve been feeling this way for so long,” you caress his bearded cheek.

“I honestly don’t think about it anymore, it just sprung up in my mind tonight,” he sighs. “I appreciate everything Cory’s been doing. I’ll call him tomorrow and apologize.”

“You know how much I love you?” your fingers brush his damp curls from his forehead that you press your lips too. You breathe in his shampoo, his skin soft and his own fingers slip under your shirt to keep caressing your back.

“About as much as I love you.”

He kisses your chin as you kiss his cheek and eventually your lips find each other.

It’s been a month and Oliver is still in the hospital. He’s progressing well and getting stronger every day. Posy and Lily were able to come visit him with Michael and Calum in tow. Posy ran to Luke who he picked up and peppered kisses to her cheeks and Lily ran to you with a little gift bag in her hands.

“What’s this?” you ask her as Luke points Oliver out to Posy, Calum, and Michael.

“Unca Mikey said this will help Oliver feel better,” Lily pulls out a small green octopus.

“I read online that it helps them feel comforted if they can’t be held yet,” Michael explains and you give him a smile.

“Can we give it to him mama?” Lily asks setting the bag on the floor.

“I think that’s a great idea,” you kiss her cheek then stand. “Let’s head inside.”

When you’re all gathered around Oliver, Calum lifts Lily in his arms so she can see him from up above and you slip the little octopus inside the round hole. You press it under his arm delicately, his tiny, tiny fingers latch on to one of the tentacles.

“Baby!” Posy points.

“He likes it!” Lily exclaims and Calum grins at her.

“Of course, he does, it’s from you and Po,” Calum says.

“And me,” Michael grumbles stepping a little closer to the incubator. His eyes soften when he looks over his nephew and you can almost sense his sadness.

“Thank you for getting it for him,” you link your arm through his and rest your head against his shoulder. “It was very thoughtful.”

“How long do you think it will be until you can bring him home?” Michael asks watching his tiny chest flutter with each breath.

“Until he’s at a healthy weight and can be taken off the ventilator,” Luke answers.

“Is he going to sleep with me?” Lily asks.

You and Luke share a look. You hadn’t thought about that. Before all of this happened, you still had a lot of time before you got his nursery ready. There is the playroom you could transform into a nursery…

“No, he’ll have his own room, sweets. When he’s home he might cry a lot and wake you up at night.”

“That’s okay. I can help.”

“You’re the best big sister ever, you know that?” Calum looks to her and she smiles sheepishly.

“Would Crystal help us change the playroom into a nursery?” you ask Michael.

“Definitely.”

“I think we should tell them his middle name,” Luke smiles at you.

“What is it?” Calum asks.

“Well, we decided on Michael,” you grin at Michael whose eyes widen. “You jump started us trying for another baby and when we decided on it Oliver sneezed. So, he likes it and it fits him perfectly.”

“Oliver Michael…” Calum tests it out then nods. “Yeah, sounds good to me. If you guys have another one, Calum’s a pretty kick ass name.”

“That means a lot guys, thank you,” Michael shifts his arm so he can pull you in for a hug. He kisses the top of your head.

A few weeks later, Ella had her beautiful baby girl, Violetta. You wanted to give them some time alone before bringing the girls over to their house to meet her. Lily sat on the couch with Violetta resting on a pillow on her lap and Posy sat next to her, staring at Violetta with curious eyes. It was odd to see the size difference between her and Oliver.

“She’s beautiful,” you tell Ella. She just took a photo of the three girls together.

“Thank you. I can’t believe she’s finally here,” she sighs tiredly then glances to Luke and Cory who are talking outside. “Cory told me what happened after Posy’s birthday.”

“Oh,” you clear your throat awkwardly, “he did, did he?”

“I know you two have a special bond, you have a history and Lily…I’m sorry that things escalated like that. How’s Luke?”

“He’s okay now, we talked about it. Ella, I hope you know that I don’t love Cory how I love Luke.”

“Oh, I know! We’re all a big, blended family, sometimes things get messy but I’ve never had a big family before. I adore you and Luke. I’m not upset at all, I understand.”

“Good. We adore you, too,” you smile then gaze at Violetta. You see more of Ella in her than Cory but she also resembles Lily a little.

“Would you like to hold her?” Ella asks gently.

“I’d love to,” you smile then push her back in her seat. “Rest, I bet you’re still sore. Lily, I’m going to hold your new sister now, okay? Why don’t you and Posy go play for a little bit.”

You lift Violetta off of Lily’s lap and the two girls run into Lily’s room. Violetta rests comfortably in the crook of your arm, she sleeps peacefully as you sway from side to side.

“Hi, pretty girl,” you coo. “You are such a pretty little one, aren’t you? Yeah, you get that from your mommy.”

“How’s Oliver doing?”

“Better, they’re talking about taking him off the ventilator soon and see how he does. He’s gaining more weight, not as fast as they want but it’s something,” you smile.

“Good, I’m glad to hear that. And you and Luke?”

“We’re…coping. We’re still trying to find the balance between the hospital and home, but now that Lily’s out of school it’s much easier to come and go.”

“If you and Luke ever want to take a long weekend, the girls can stay here.”

“Oh, no, not with Violetta just being born! I don’t want you to feel overwhelmed—”

“I insist. It will give me practice if we have more kids,” Ella smiles.

“We’ll be outnumbered then,” you laugh. “The kid to adult ratio is even now.”

“You’re right,” Ella laughs. “They’re going to rule our world.”

“I don’t mind, they’re pretty awesome,” you shrug and gaze down at Violetta. You hope you’ll be able to hold Oliver like this soon.

Luke’s birthday is approaching and he’s told you repeatedly he doesn’t want a big party or anything this year. The only thing he wants is to hopefully bring Oliver home by the end of the month. You were finally able to hold him and have some skin-to-skin contact.

You sat in the rocking chair next to his incubator and the nurse placed him on your chest. His skin is warm and beneath the starchy hospital smell, he had that natural smell all babies have. You couldn’t help but cry after finally holding him after almost three months of just looking at him. His fingers flexed on your chest before you slipped your pinky between them. He held on tightly.

“Hi baby boy,” you whisper kissing the top of his little hat. “Remember me?”

“How does he feel?” Luke asks, his voice thick with emotion.

“He’s that piece I’ve been missing.”

You could sit there for hours just holding him but you know how badly Luke wanted to hold his son so you changed places. He unbuttoned his shirt and the nurse helped you place Oliver on his chest.

“He’s so small,” Luke smiles fondly. “Hi buddy, I’m your daddy. You’re doing so good getting all big and strong. Your mama and I can’t wait to take you home. We’re going to have a big party, but I promise I’ll make everyone keep it quiet.”

“It’s nice to see you holding him,” you sniff and he starts to rock.

“It was nice to see you hold him, too,” he smiles. “We’ll take him home soon. We’re almost there.”

On Luke’s birthday, you and the girls surprised him with breakfast in bed and a brand-new record collection he’s been talking about. Michael and Crystal offered to watch the girls while you visited Oliver. You promised you’d be back by dinner time and you secretly arranged Luke’s favorite food to be delivered.

The two of you sat with Oliver and talked about how far he’s come along. He’s at four pounds already and is now in an open crib rather than an incubator. His organs have developed how they should and he’s had no complications. Dr. Chambers wants him to stay until he’s five pounds just to be sure he’s still gaining weight like he should.

The nurse told you you could try and start breast feeding him soon.

With multiple kisses to Oliver, you left him for the night to continue Luke’s birthday at home. Michael told you the girls wanted to bake a cake and he sent you photos and videos of the whole experience. You couldn’t wait to surprise Luke with the meal.

When you got home you noticed Michael’s car was gone and the house was quiet. There was a big balloon on the kitchen table next to the delivery bag of Luke’s favorite restaurant and the cake the girls made along with a note.

“’Our birthday gift to you is two things: a night alone and a new room. Enjoy your birthday! Love Michael and Crystal,’” Luke reads off from a note. He turns to you with a lopsided smile.

“A new room? What does that mean?” you examine the note.

“It better not be some kinky sex room,” Luke mutters and you nudge him in the shoulder. “Let’s go explore.”

He takes you by the hand and you make your way upstairs to the bedrooms. The light of the playroom is on so you turn in there and gasp. It’s been transformed into Oliver’s room. There’s a beautiful white crib filled with small stuffed animals and a dinosaur blanket. His name is above his crib in block letters and there’s a bookshelf with some trinkets and books.

You page through them and see each one was given to you by your friends with a little message written inside for Oliver. You can’t wait to have Oliver in here, safe and warm.

“I have a feeling Michael is going to spoil Oliver.”

“Probably,” you giggle and turn to face him. He’s looking at the other shelf that holds some clothes and blankets.

His shoulders are broad in his simple black shirt, his curls have gotten curlier because he’s let his hair grow out along with his beard. Your stomach flips as a dirty thought of feeling his beard on the inside of your thighs enters your mind. How’d you get so lucky to have this strong, handsome, talented, kind man to be your husband?

“They’re spoiling us too, you know,” you step closer to him tickling your fingers up and down his arm. He looks down at you. “We have the whole house to ourselves birthday man. What do you want to do first?”

“I’d love to do you.”

You’re both careful as you get reacquainted with each other’s bodies. He removes your clothes carefully and you fall onto your bed, arms stretched out for him. You watch him with hungry eyes as he removes his own clothes then climbs over you. Before he can kiss you, you press your palms against his chest and stomach, feeling his heartbeat and warmth of his body.

“I’ll never get over you like this,” you sigh leaning up to kiss his collarbone.

“I’ll never get over you like this,” he repeats and pushes you back. He falls with you, pulling deep kisses from you before leaving a trail of open-mouthed kisses down your body. He makes sure to kiss at the scar from your C-section. “So beautiful. Every inch of you.”

“Have I told you how much I love your beard?” you ask scratching your nails through the soft hair. “It’s very sexy.”

“Yeah? I don’t look like a lumberjack?”

“You’d make a sexy lumberjack. I wouldn’t complain.”

Soft loving words are exchanged along with wandering hands as he works you up. When you finally connect, you sigh and squeeze your nails into his shoulders. His thrusts are shallow and controlled making sure not to hurt you but also wanting to make this reconnection last.

“Feels so good to be in you again,” he mumbles in your neck. You glide your hands down his back and to the globes of his ass, you give a squeeze and try to make him move faster. “Missed you.”

“Missed you, too,” you sigh turning your head and your tongues connect.

It’s gentle and intimate and your orgasm is slow building but when it washes over you, you’re left in a warmth that you’ve been craving. It’s a warmth only Luke can provide, it’s his love and your love coming together.

Afterwards, you heat up the food and eat it in bed along with the cake. Being cheeky, you swipe the frosting on your finger and drag it onto his stomach.

“Who’s gonna clean that up?”

“Mmm, me,” you straddle his thighs, the shirt of his you wear to bed rides up and you press your hands onto his waist. You lean down and lick the frosting up with your tongue, he sighs heavily beneath you as you lick some more.

When he’s finally clean, your fingers slip beneath the waistband of his boxers continuing your kisses to his half hard cock. You swipe your tongue over his shaft, circling it around his tip and he springs to life.

“Lovie…” he groans.

“Shh,” you hush glancing up at him. His chest is heaving as you take him in your mouth. He groans again, his fingers tangling in your hair but letting you move as you see fit.

You love pleasuring him this way and it’s been so long since you have. You bob up and down, your spit dribbling down his shaft. He moans with each pull of your mouth, his hips rising to meet your motions. You feel his thighs clench so you know he’s close.

“Y/N…baby…lovie,” he pulls you off him then drags you up to him. “Wanna make you come again.”

He pushes himself inside you and you let out a loud moan as you sink down onto him. You start to move but Luke grips the sides of your ass and fucks up into you. Your mouth falls open at the pace, his balls slap your ass and your toes start to curl.

You’re chanting ‘yes’ and his name, the words tumbling over one another and you’re coming again. With a small scream you feel Luke pull out as his release is expelled between you. You’re pulsating and his fingers twiddle with your clit so you’re still coming together.

When you’re both finished, your breathing is hard and you giggle when you open your eyes. His cheeks are a little pink and he has this glazed over expression on his face.

“I think we should go clean up, hm?” his fingers tickle your thigh and you tremble at his touch. You nod.

You used a washcloth to clean up leftover frosting and his orgasm. Luke kisses your neck and your shoulders before he moves to the large tub and turns the taps. When the tub is full of bubbles and the jets are on, he holds you in his arms. The records you bought playing softly in the background.

“This reminds me of when we first started dating,” you say playing with his fingers. “We couldn’t keep our hands off each other.”

“If I had my way I’d want to do this all the time with you,” he chuckles in your ear before nibbling on the lobe. “But we have other responsibilities.”

“We’ll be able to bring Oliver home soon, right?”

“Of course, we will. This is just temporary until he’s five pounds. You’re going to be able to breastfeed and he’ll gain that one pound so fast.” He kisses your temple next and you sit in silence for a while.

“Did you imagine any of this happening when you met me at the coffee shop?”

“No, but I wouldn’t want my life any other way. You’ve filled my life with so much adventure and love. I never pictured myself with three kids, but I couldn’t imagine my life without them, or you. Did you imagine our life like this?”

“No,” you smile against his arm and kiss it. “But it’s the best. I’m thankful Oliver has come along this far, and Posy is our rambunctious girl and Lily is starting to become her own person now. It’s all happening so fast but with you beside me…I don’t have enough words to describe it. You’re the love of my life.”

“And you’re the love of mine,” he collects you in his arms. “We’ll bring our boy home soon.”

On August first, you were told you could bring Oliver home. You couldn’t even believe it but when Oliver’s NICU team and Dr. Chambers and Dr. Wilson showed up with balloons and a farewell card you started to cry. You hugged and thanked them all from the bottom of your heart and promised to keep in touch.

Oliver would need frequent doctor visits until he was about three to check his prognosis but you were so happy to bring him home finally. Luke called everyone while you got Oliver settled in his carrier, you made sure to put his octopus next to him. You sat in back with him while Luke drove, you couldn’t stop looking at Oliver. He’s grown so much and he’s healthy and strong.

You notice all of the cars parked along the street and you’re welcomed with your family as you and Luke enter your home. There’s a banner above welcoming Oliver home finally. You appreciated them all keeping their distance and not overcrowding Oliver, but you were happy they were all there to welcome your sone home.

Lily and Posy couldn’t stop looking at him in his carrier while he slept and Posy kept bringing some toys to show him. Everyone stayed for another hour and then you had to feed Oliver. He squirmed and cried because you woke him but you were on a tight feeding schedule so he would stay on track. Lily and Posy watched curiously as you breastfed. Luke watched fondly and then he told the girls their lunch was ready.

All four of you stayed around Oliver until it was time for him to go to bed—then you’d be feeding him in a few hours. Posy and Lily snuggled with you and Luke on the couch as you all watched a movie, their giggles at the animations jokes filled your heart with joy. Luke reached over and took your hand so he could kiss it, mumbling an ‘I love you.’

You were finally a family of five, home and safe.

***

Taglist: @calpalirwin @myloverboyash @loveroflrh @cxddlyash @princesslrh @spicyca @notinthesameguey @itjustkindahappenedreally @calumance @thew0rldneedsmcreycghurt @sarcastically-defensive17 @another-lonely-heart @devilatmydoor @thatscooibaby @suchalonelysunflower @dead-and-golden @mymindwide @blackbutterfliescal @redrattlers @karajaynetoday @quasighost @i-like-5sos @creampiecashton @calpops @littledrummeraussie @sexgodashton @f-mu @mystic-232

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thai-with-booty · 4 years

Text

The man I cant resist takes it all

I've checked my phone an embarrassing number of times so far this morning. Each time I jab the keypad to illuminate my screen, my heart drops a little when I see no notification. "Lek, you have got to relax" I tell myself out loud. You have the whole weekend in Bangkok, he will message, he cant resist you as much as you cant resist him. I've showered and am groomed to perfection, smooth everywhere, just for you. I thought of your tongue this morning as I slid my soapy hand between my legs, gliding over my silky smooth pussy. The very thought made me tingle, made my nipples stiffen and a warm sensation spread between my thighs. Being so turned on and horny this morning is a naughty little secret that serves as a constant reminder of you and what's to come. Well what's to come if today comes off. God it better, I'm aching so badly for you. As I pick up the ipad and lay down on the the bed, my phone double beeps. Instantly my stomach flips with excitement as I grab my phone. '1 New Message from James. ‘We're on, get ur sexy ass over here in an hour 😉' As I jump off the bed to change, my hands shake a little. After 4 years of knowing you, you still have this effect on me, it's crazy. Nobody else has ever made me feel the way you do, turned me on the way you do. I love it and hate it all at once. Love how giddy you make me feel, yet hate the weird power you've got over me. How my resolve slowly weakened and I let you back into my life. I vowed I'd never cheat on my husband, but with you it's somehow different. There's so much between us, it's like it doesn't count. And so here I am again, can't get enough of you. Reaching for the box on top of my wardrobe I've already decided what I'm wearing. A new sexy bra and crotchless panties, giving you full access to every inch of me. I slide the panties over my hips, inspecting my reflection as I do. It's so exposing and for a moment I wonder if it's too much but thinking of your reaction, I smile. I slip a black silky dressing gown on, the silk brushing against my nipples making me shiver. Selecting a bottle of lube, a vibrator and my plug, I quickly sliding the box back on top of the wardrobe. I lay back on the bed, my hand resting over the slit in my panties. So wet from my excitement of seeing you. It's a relief, the constant stimulation becomes almost too much to bare after a while, I'm desperate to have you satisfy me properly. Picking up my plug tail I pump a generous amount of lube onto it and spread my legs. While you were always big, somehow you seem so much thicker than before. If you were enough to take my breath away everytime you filled my pussy, how the fuck was I going to manage you taking my ass? Turns out I was worrying about nothing. I can't deny those first few minutes weren't uncomfortable, painful even but you were so slow and gentle and my body soon relaxed to accommodate you. The sensation sent me wild, giving you all of me, your groans at how tight it felt and your gasp as I pushed back onto you, taking every inch of your perfect cock. It sent a thundering orgasm through my body which made you cum so hard inside me, I swear I felt every pulse, every drop of your hot load. It was so animalistic, so delicious, and well, since then it's been on my mind a lot. I hold the plug just over my most intimate place and gently apply pressure, it slowly begins to slide into me. I can't help but enjoy the sensation and play with it for a moment, teasing myself before gently pushing it all the way into me. I know you love finding it in me, signalling that I want it. Allowing my ass to relax, ready to take you and god am I going to let you take me. I'm confident enough now to know I like it a little harder, like you owning me in the ultimate way. I run my finger up over my wet slit to my clit, so sensitive I can barely touch it. I really hope you go down on me. I'll last seconds with your tongue flicking over my swollen clit. Fuck you're good at it, just thinking about the way your suck and nip at it when licking my pussy is almost enough to make me cum there and then. Picking up the ipad I open my favourite porn site and tap to find something to pass the time. My tastes have got a little more specific since you came back into my life. I pick something with anal and squirting in the title and hit play. This is doing nothing for my desperation to cum but it's not long before I hear the door open and the keys jangle as you lock it behind you. I can barely breathe I'm so excited. "Lek?" Putting the ipad down I leave my room and make my way to ur place, we get no words out as you see a glimpse of what's under my gown and push me hard against the wall. Kissing me your hands grab at my ass pulling me into you. You're hard already, I can feel your cock straining against your jeans. I need you right now and take your hand to lead you to the bedroom. As we step into the bedroom you pull me close from behind, your lips roughly on my neck, hands squeezing my tits. I push my ass back against your cock moaning. Your hand drops to my hip, sliding closer to the lace of my panties. Moving down over the front, feeling the material part under your fingers to reveal my silky smooth pussy, already so wet. I inhale sharply, I've been longing for your touch and am desperate to have your fingers inside me. I part my legs allowing you easier access as your middle finger slides between my lips, expertly finding my clit. My whimper makes you bite at my neck harder. You push your cock against my ass as I try hard to stop myself cuming too fast. "James, not yet please!" I beg you as I get pushed hard forward onto the bed and roughly flipped over. Laying back you drop to your knees pushing my thighs apart. The crotchless panties allowing you a full view of my glistening pussy, so ready for you. We lock eyes and I know what's coming. My breathing is fast, heart pounding as you pull the lace apart further and begin to gently flick your tongue over me, circling my clit. It's driving me wild as I close my eyes and grip the bed sheets trying to control myself. I feel your finger teasing me, not quite inside me but so close. Trying so hard to push myself onto you, desperate to have your fingers inside me. Finally you give in and push a finger hard into me, I moan as you pump in and out, my pussy so wet. Quickly you add a second, I'm going to cum and you know it as you nip at my most sensitive parts. You hand reaching to pinch my exposed nipples. I have to bite my hand to stop a scream escaping. Then you feel it, my pussy gripping tight around your fingers as an orgasm starts to rip through me. I buck my hips against your touch as the surge keeps coming. You keep going, teasing every last bit from me as my body finally relaxes and I throw my arm over my face. My cheeks burning, you can make me cum so fast it's embarrassing. Now it's my turn. Standing up you lean forward, your body pressed against mine and kiss me. Making me taste my pussy on your lips. I wrap my legs around you pulling you against me tighter and push myself up, "Lay down". You unbuckle your belt and ease your jeans down, your boxers follow and your thick cock springs free. I smile licking my lips, your eyes fixed on me. Positioning myself between your legs I run my tongue up the length of you as you groan. Your cock twitching at my touch as I grip you and take you in my mouth. Eagerly licking and sucking your delicious cock, relishing the taste of you. My hand works up and down your shaft as my tongue swirls over your swollen head. Your eyes are closed as you bite your lip. Moving my hand I take you as deep in my throat as I can, so deep I gag at your size. My hand massages your balls, I'm ready for more. Your eyes open as I stop and you move up the bed slightly, leaning back on the pillows. I climb onto you, your cock resting between my thighs, against my pussy. As you pull me forward to kiss me, I grind my wetness up and down the underside of your cock, it feels so good. Your hands on my ass cheeks encouraging me. Lifting myself off you, my hand reaches to guide your cock, I need you inside me now. Staring deep into your eyes, the tip of your cock resting against my aching pussy I gently start to ease myself into you. I hope the sensation I get when I take your cock never goes, the deliciously burning sting at you being that bit too big for me. Feeling every fibre in me stretching for you, every nerve on fire desperate to be filled, properly, like nobody else has ever done. Your hands are on my hips trying to push me down onto you faster and harder but I managed to resist you and take my time, teasing us both. Until nudging my knee away with your thigh makes me take your whole length in one. I scream out but it doesn't stop you as you thrust up into me. It feels so intense, you're ball deep inside me and we both need it so bad as we thrust together. You unhook my bra, my exposed nipples not enough for you, your hands squeeze at my tits, teeth biting against my flushed neck. My pussy is getting wetter with every thrust we make in unison. Your hand reaches around to feel the plug in my ass and as I close my eyes you slide it from me. As my eyes open and stare at you a naughty smirk falls over your face, I can feel your finger massaging my ass and very slowly you push one inside me. I can't take this anymore, my pussy desperately aching to cum down your cock and the tip of your finger teasing my ass is too much to take. "Look at me" you demand, that's all it takes. I start to cum and hard, pushing myself right down into you, my pussy squeezing around your girth so tightly, a gush of my juices escaping from deep inside me as I cry out. My breathing quickened and skin burning you don't let up as you continue to pound into me. "Stop!" I have to cry out, lifting myself off you slightly. You barely give me any time to compose myself before you order me to turn around, all fours. I've got goosebumps as I wait on all fours for what's going to come next. I can hear the squirt of the lube bottle and then feel you. Rubbing the head of your cock up and down my wet slit. From ass to pussy and back, I have no idea where I'm going to feel you. You stop over my ass, gently pressing against me, I'm barely breathing. Slowly you push into me, I can hear the pounding of my own heartbeat in my ears. I know it'll only feel this way for a moment but you're so big and it takes my body time to relax around you. Your hand reaches around to gently massage my pussy and as the feelings of pleasure take over I start to push back onto you, letting you know I'm ready. I love hearing your groans, telling me how tight it feels, letting you own me. It doesn't take long before your thrusts become harder, your hands move to my shoulders, pulling me onto your cock harder and deeper. Making my waist drop and my ass move towards you even more. With no warning you pull fully from me and thrust back into my pussy, I whimper at the sudden change of sensation. I barely have time to adjust before your cock pulls from me sharply and you plunge into my ass. I scream out but it only seems to drive you on more and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't in ecstasy right now. Every nerve in my body is on end, your full balls slap against me. I reach for my vibrator, my big one that feels most similar to you. 'Do it' you urge. No lube required as I push it into my soaking pussy, "Fuck" I gasp, I've never felt so full in my life and I know you can feel it too. The way you're fucking me has become more animalistic, your breathing is hard and fast. You usually take my lead when you're in my ass but you've become lost in your own pleasure. I fuck myself hard with my toy, tears fill my eyes I'm so overcome. "Please cum, I can't take it" I beg you, but like a flag to a bull it makes you reach around and take my toy in your own hand. You fuck my pussy and ass in unison and tell me not to cum. "Please?!" I beg you, as tears fall down my burning cheeks. "Don't" you growl at me. But I can't stop and as you plunge into me again I cry out "Sorry!" and my body starts to convulse around you. You can feel my orgasm in my ass and along with me you start to cum, if even possible your cock seems to pulse thicker inside me, filling me with your hot sticky load. Our orgasms not allowing the others any reprieve as they last and last. Finally our bodies relax, each of us occasionally shuddering as the ghost of our pleasure still throbs through us. You pull me up to kiss me, your cock still in my ass, wiping the tears from my cheek you murmur, "Good girl"

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ey8508 · 4 years

Text

Words and thoughts

Rumors and Secrets: Li Zeyan (李泽言) | Victor

Li Zeyan SSR: 寸步 | 言思合缝

【Following the handwriting, he will definitely find the place to start 】

Note:

R&S for this card (CG above)

Chapter SPOILERS up to Season 2: Chapter 10-13 (read at your own risk)

Contains 5 chapters

Translation isn’t 100% accurate (or include grammar errors)

Every part for LZ’s dialogue would be in “this setting”

Do not repost to any other site (reblog is fine)

Chapter 1

Page 1

Early in the morning, president Huarui's office.

"President, this is the main agenda for today, do you think there is a need to add other arrangements?"

Looking at the president's back in front of him, Wei Qian fixed his glasses. He lowered his head and glanced at the notebook he was holding: there was a contract signing and a negotiation in the morning, two meetings in the afternoon, and a business meeting in the evening, not to mention there are many documents and reports that needed to be reviewed and signed...

The president has always handled such a busy and high-pressure work schedule in an orderly manner. It is indeed the style that the "king" he has admired since his school days can have.

Page 2

The "king" recognized by Wei Qian is now standing by the window and looking out. After listening to Wei Qian's schedule reminder, he responded with a low voice: "That's it for now."

"Understand, Mr. President" Wei Qian paused "By the way, the producer of Time Media has been in the small conference room. Do you think you should sign the contract now, or..."

The man by the window finally turned around. He looked calm, wearing a black ironed suit with white pocket squares and even his hair seemed to be rigorous and pleasant. Today's weather is very good, the sun shines brightly and glisten through his side profile.

Page 3

Turning his gaze to the door, Li Zeyan nodded imperceptibly: "Let's go."

Time Media has been in the limelight in the recent years. They had planned and produced many popular variety shows. The cooperation with Time Media this time is a rational decision made by Huarui after examining various data and estimating the return.

Page 4

In the small meeting room, the producer of Time Media held up the contract that had just been signed and the ink was not yet dry. His eyes were sewn up with satisfaction. Finally reached a substantive cooperative relationship with Huarui, and with this large capital support, he can finally flex his muscles and plan his "genius variety show".

Probably people are easy to float on happy occasions, the producer carefully put away the contract, while cheerfully and subconsciously complimenting: "If Mr. Li is free, you are welcome to come to the recording site of the program team at any time. If you can be a guest, the ratings will definitely increase!"

Li Zeyan's movements clearly paused for a moment. After a few seconds, he faintly said: "Absurd"

Page 5

But his sudden deepness and silence naturally viewed differently in the eyes of the producer. The air pressure in the conference room seemed to become invincibility colder. The producer couldn't help but regret: After all, he is the president of Huarui with a busy schedule. How could he have time to entertain the public as a variety show guest?

Just when the producer was hesitant to say something to fix the situation, Wei Qian smiled in time to clear the situation: "If you have no other questions, I will send you downstairs." Li Zeyan nodded tacitly and watched them disappear at the door of the meeting room.

Page 6

He knew that the producer had misunderstood. His momentary pause was not displeasure, but a daze caused by an unannounced impulse. As the producer's voice fell one by one, the words ‘HBS’ suddenly flashed in his mind. It seems that in another real time, someone initiated an invitation to him to be a guest on the show.

He frowned slightly, wondering where this vague feeling came from. It flashed out of thin air and there was no more information, but a seed was planted in his heart.

Chapter 2

Page 1

When Wei Qian sent the producer back, Li Zeyan was sitting sideways on the chair behind the desk. The spring sunshine fell on his shoulders and his hands were gently clasped together, not knowing what he was thinking.

When he saw Wei Qian coming in, Li Zeyan asked him in a deep voice: "Wei Qian, do you know HBS TV?"

"HBS, do you mean that TV station that has the highest ratings for variety shows in the United States for 50 consecutive years?"

Li Zeyan gave a low "Hmm", and seemed to say to himself: "In my impression, there should be no company in Lianyu City that cooperates with HBS."

Page 2

Wei Qian quickly gave an affirmative response: "You remember correctly. Although many companies have extended their arms to HBS, they have not received any response for the time being."

It is as expected. So just now...

Li Zeyan bent his elbows and raised his hands, rubbing his temples. He slept very restlessly last night, he should be fatigued.

Seeing Li Zeyan frowning and closing his eyes, Wei Qian hesitated for a moment: "Why Mr. president suddenly ask about HBS if you wants to cooperate with the other party? If necessary, I will make confirmation about it."

Page 3

"No need." Li Zeyan opened his eyes, his face has returned to calmness, and his eyes are repainted with seriousness and sharpness. "It has been half a month, how is the acquisition plan of TEC Pharmaceuticals progressing?"

"The report is on my desk, Mr. president wait a moment."

"Wait." Li Zeyan called to him, "Bring in a cup of coffee on your way back here."

Page 4

After processing the two documents, Wei Qian returned with the coffee and the rich aroma was floating in the air. Even with the mellow smell, Wei Qian began to report seriously to Li Zeyan about the progress of the acquisition of TEC Pharmaceuticals.

"Over the period of time, according to the previously formulated plan, we have carried out two negotiations with TEC Pharmaceuticals with the letter of intent for mergers and acquisitions..."

Page 5

The hydrogen-containing coffee mist rose up as Li Zeyan took a few sips from the cup of coffee while listening to Wei Qian's report. The coffee flowed into his throat, and he twisted his eyebrows slightly. It was clearly the same coffee beans. From when, he gradually felt that the taste of the coffee seemed to be something missing. Sometimes he even had an inexplicable conviction, as if it was because he was missing a person to drink coffee with him.

Li Zeyan squeezed his eyebrows a little irritably.

Page 6

At the same time, Wei Qian's report came to an end. "... TEC's company representative said that the conditions given by Huarui had not yet reached the best expectations, and also cryptically revealed that a century-old company in Europe is also approaching them. So at present, the other party's attitude is not clear, and it is in an ambiguous wait-and-see stage."

Li Zeyan spoke a long time after the voice fell, and his voice became lighter than before: "I see."

Page 7

In fact, Wei Qian had already noticed the strangeness of the president during the report. As a meticulous assistant, he couldn't help but care: "Mr. President, are you uncomfortable?"

Li Zeyan shook his head, and handed the documents that he had just processed to Wei Qian: "It's just that I didn't sleep well last night." After saying that, he glanced at his watch and said, "It's getting late, get the materials for the negotiation meeting, see you downstairs."

Chapter 3

Page 1

The time bar of a week suddenly passed by.

For a whole week, Li Zeyan has been busy with the acquisition of TEC Pharmaceuticals. With Li Zeyan's resolute and personal efforts, just now, Huarui finally succeeded in advancing its acquisition territory one step further.

In the car, Li Zeyan was looking at a work report that he had just received before getting on the car. Li Zeyan sighed softly when thinking of her bad habit of submitting something and being tired of teaching. The report was about the progress of the charity sale next month, and he quickly scanned it. He still remember last week, under his agitation, she confidently bet that she would win the support of the city government. In this report, she did it.

Page 2

Li Zeyan put down the iPad and curled his lips in relief. He remembered the bet he had made before: if she really did it, he would pick her a small gift. Of course, Li Zeyan didn't intend to break his promise. What's more, although he always commented on ‘boring and naive’ about choosing small gifts for her, he subconsciously felt that it was natural to do it.

The breeze of spring blew in from the gap of the car window. It was rare to feel the breath of spring easily. He cast his eyes out of the window casually. Suddenly, he seemed to catch a glimpse of something...

‘parking.’

Page 3

After letting Wei Qian leave first, Li Zeyan walked to the door of the store that had just been polished and opened the glass door.

This is a gift shop that looks bright and exquisite, with a dazzling array of gifts and goods in an orderly manner. Li Zeyan walked around the shop carefully, and the clerk always followed him politely and kindly.

Although these gifts looked exquisite, there was nothing he would have liked at a glance.

Page 4

Just when he was a little disappointed, a humble keychain suddenly broke into his sight.

The keychain itself is not special, but the wrapping paper underneath it attracted Li Zeyan's attention. The wrapping paper painted a red telephone booth with a British atmosphere.

Perceiving Li Zeyan's pause, the clerk quickly asked: "Mister, do you like this keychain?"

Li Zeyan responded and took the keychain to look closely.

Page 5

"This is a classic British feature," the clerk smiled graciously. "It seems that your feelings for London should be unusual, right?

"...Mhm"

It seemed that the clerk had finally met a usual person and said in a low voice: "I wish I could go to London someday. I heard that there is a great Christmas atmosphere there. I don’t know if it’s true."

Page 6

In fact, in Li Zeyan’s opinion, Christmas in London is nothing more than something that people are familiar with, but it’s nothing special.

But just as he was thinking this way, a red phone booth suddenly jumped into his mind, just like what he was holding in his hand at the moment.

It was as if there was a snowy winter, he looked anxiously at the telephone booth near Big Ben, looking for the ‘her’ who held his heart.

Page 7

Li Zeyan was in a daze for a moment. The feeling of the sudden attack was so real, it made him feel completely empty, as if the snow in London had really drifted from memory to the present. Snow fell into his heart, making his heart fall and contracting in an instant.

When did he experience this memory? Who was the ‘she’ he was looking for?

He was shocked for only a few seconds, and the clerk did not care about his speechlessness but politely extended his hand: "Are you sure you want to buy this? I'll wrap it for you."

Page 8

Li Zeyan handed the keychain over. There was an unreasonable certainty in his subconscious: she would like this gift very much, because...

What is it for?

In front of the cashier, recalling his inexplicable and determined feeling just now, Li Zeyan looked at the little gift that the clerk was holding in his hand and carefully scanned the code.

Chapter 4

Page 1

The ‘Mid-Month Charity Sale Event’ finally kicked off the sale scene. The location of the opening event was set at the street park with the largest daily flow of people.

As the planner of this event, the girl came to the park early for the final inspection and preparations. Not long after, as the sponsor of the event, Li Zeyan also appeared at the Charity Sale Event and delivered an opening speech with the municipal staff.

"...Huarui is a company rooted in Lianyu City. It is the goal and code of conduct for Huarui to pay back this city that has given us warmth and support in various ways. Finally, I wish today’s charity sale a complete success, thank you."

Page 2

After a while, the charity sale officially began. The citizens who had seen the news on the internet enthusiastically gathered around the venue, and the scene was more lively than expected. As soon as Li Zeyan turned his head, he saw a proud smiling face, probably infected by her, and he also slightly raised the corners of his mouth.

Now that the activity has started smoothly and the reporter's on-site interviews are over, he intends to walk around in the park at will, and she naturally follows him. They didn't know that after turning a few paths, there is a forest with swaying branches in front of them. Accompanied by the soft sound of the rustle, the fragrance of the leaves and the smell of earth came to their face.

Page 3

It's rare to be able to walk away leisurely outside the annoyance of official business, they just stop and walked aimlessly, laughing and chatting casually.

It's strange to say that they didn't know each other for a long time, but the relationship between him and her was extraordinarily natural and comfortable from the beginning, as if they should be like this.

Sometimes he even feels unfamiliar, as if he had walked a lot with her a long time ago.

It also includes dense woods as they are now.

Page 4

The sudden phone call made her pouting. It seemed that there was something wrong with the Charity Sale Event. She patted her chest and said that she would be able to solve it, and hurried away confidently. Li Zeyan stared at her back, with a faint smile on his mouth, but somehow, he suddenly felt that the scene before him seemed familiar.

It seemed that at some time, he had also watched a slender figure from the back in the woods. And a sourness mixed with fatigue slowly condensed in his heart. In the vagueness, he vaguely felt that he seemed to have crossed thousands of mountains and rivers in confusion and anxiety, spanning an uncountable amount of time and space of light years, just to see this figure again.

Page 5

In the forest mist, he saw the back in front of him turned around, and the girl gently called out his name.

He also responded with a chuckle, and then tightened his grip on the girl's hand: "Dummy... it’s not name-calling it's confirmation."

"... Confirmation?"

But the forest mist blocked the girl's face, and he anxiously didn't know how to confirm it. At this moment, the wind in the woods suddenly blew, blowing away a corner of the mist.

There was no one in front of him.

Page 6

But when the fog disappeared, he heard a playful question. The girl asked, how did you find me afterwards?

Li Zeyan was stunned. He didn't remember what his answer was or whether he answered.

But subconsciously, a place appeared in his mind -Souvenir.

That seems to be where the answer opens.

Chapter 5

Page 1

With the ‘Closed’ sign in Souvenir, the brightly-lit dining room seemed to be empty, except for a slight noise from the kitchen.

In the spacious and clean kitchen, Li Zeyan is wearing a white apron, making pudding attentively. Pouring the boiled sugar juice into the pudding mold evenly, then pour the boiled milk on a low heat into the stirred egg mixture, stir evenly, and finally slowly pour the pudding into the pudding mold, and then put it in the baking pan.

Li Zeyan picked up the baking tray and put it into the oven. When the time and temperature were adjusted, the oven made a button sound, which was particularly clear in the quiet Souvenir. But Li Zeyan was leaning on the side of the table platform, but he was extremely calm. In Souvenir's back kitchen, he can always find the peace in that corner.

Page 2

Looking at the oven with the built-in light on, his eyes gradually moved farther and farther.

Those recent seemingly sudden and unattainable feelings are like a bunch of woolen threads scattered on the ground, but he never believes that all stories can always go to the source, and these woolen threads must be from a certain source. The person who could lead the other side along, a name had already surfaced in his heart.

Page 3

Messy thoughts thrashed in Li Zeyan's mind. For the first time, he decided to abandon the so-called rational analysis and chose to believe in his own heart. Because he later realized that in addition to the beating of the heart in his left chest, it turned out that there seemed to be inexplicable feelings and emotions.

"...ting!"

The oven makes a crisp sound, it should be the pudding. Li Zeyan stood up straight and was about to take it, but a slight footstep suddenly heard from the door. The owner of the name in his heart was walking towards him on high heels.

Page 4

She probably smelled the scent of pudding, she sniffed her nose and her eyes lit up. Holding a souvenir-like thing, she came to him in three or two steps, opened the box triumphantly, and then raised the small crystal lamp in front of him. The moment she turned the switch on the bottom, the orange starlight immediately appeared from the small crystal lamp.

Almost at the same time, a similar orange starlight was gradually awakening from his long memory. It seems that Souvenir is full of Christmas atmosphere. In the little light, a girl raises her head with a smile-

That face is so familiar.

Page 5

It turns out that the girl really exists in those vague memories that are not clear.

In the kitchen at this moment, the scent of pudding diffuses through the oven. Just as some distant but clear fragments are slowly rolling in.

Memory and reality, the past and the present, overlap closely. Li Zeyan stared at the smiling face in front of him that was dyed softer by the orange starlight.

________

#mr love queens choice #mr love queens choice victor #love and producer #rumors and secrets victor #love and producer li zeyan #李泽言

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princeanxious · 4 years

Text

My adhd knocked me flat on my ass again and my dumbass is locked out of my ipad. Again.

At this point im just taking the damn password off

Its the same password i put on it damn near 3 years ago, not once changed, have it literally in my muscle memory to open it on reflex w/ the once or twice a day the damn thing asks me to input it

But no, god forbit I try and actually think about it a bit more than absently after inputting it in wrong once, or WRITE IT DOWN for this exact reason only for it to STILL GET IT WRONG, and the harder I try to think about it, the further the damn answer gets from my grasp.

Its one thing if it happens one time maybe once a year, but I'm pretty sure this has happened at least 6 or more times at this point just in the past year, and I check my written notes everytime I finally get back in try correct it, but it without fail never seems to help or be right! That or I'm just putting things in wrong, its not like I get more than one chance per hour to actually test that theory on my ipad, seeing as an hour is long enough for me to forget how exactly i'd put it in last time.

Its times like this when I'm reminded that adhd is a disability, one that I have learned to live with over the years with all sorts of gained experience to make things easier and make me happier, but I will still never be able to 'fix' any of it. Just make things easier.

Nothing makes me feel stupider than when my brain just doesnt compute the way it knows it should, that its aware it knows and can run through all the memories of it doing what it knows to and can do and has done, but in that moment not being able to do it for no other reason than me thinking a little too hard about it.

Nothing is more honestly frustrating and devestating than literally being trapped by your own dysfunctional brain from doing something you know logically you can do and have done before, but now cant for no other reason than the mounting self-pressure of trying to do so manually. And have it happen repeatedly, helpless even after the issue is resolved each time to try and add a failsafe that sadly still fails anyway for next time.

Its just one password and yet it keeps me from accessing a big portion of what I do on a daily for literal hours or even a whole day at a time simply because my dysfunctional brain had a metaphorical short and now cant even begin to recall three years of finger muscle memory under the pressure of trying.

The password comes off for now(yknow. When I get the damn thing open).

I'm tired of fighting this losing battle.

#adhd things #luka rants #adhd problems #adhd rant #long post #tw long post #ask to tag

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malwarewolf404 · 4 years

Text

You know, when I was in college, I started carrying around this iPad carrying case that had a shoulder strap. It was black, made of polyester, and was proportional to the size of an iPad roughly. Very utilitarian.

A lot of straight guys in the band department took notice to this. While on a trip to Mexico, one of them, who I considered a friend at the time, confronted me about it.

“Why do you carry around that man-purse?”

I rolled my eyes. I explained to him that just because I was a man carrying a purse, it doesn’t mean anything about me as a person. Men outside of the US carry purses all the time. Furthermore, I explained that just because I was a man carrying a purse, didn’t mean it was a man-purse, and that he should just call it a purse.

He rolled his eyes at this, and mumbled something about not being caught dead with a man-purse.

I think I wanted to talk about this to say that it’s very hard to dismantle the patriarchy/toxic masculinity, in my experience. I think a lot of women believe that if men don’t like something about these broad social constructs they can just fix them. But the truth is whenever gay men, men of color, or trans men try to educate other men about how stupid these social constructs really are, they often get stonewalled by the idea that these social constructs are the norm and everything outside of them is weird and bad and undesirable. And that’s if you can get past the weird micro aggressive comments about your appearance, as if you’re some sort of alien to other men because you have a fucking purse.

Like I’m not going to say that men shouldn’t encourage other men to not predate on women, because obviously they should and obviously those of us who understand this try, but I feel like the onus of all the pressure to cause this massive social upheaval against toxic masculinity is on the men who also would benefit from it changing because we don’t conform to it, whether by choice or not. And yes, instead of complaining about it I should probably be focusing on other things, but I just really don’t get it. How is this supposed to work? How can I really expect this guy to listen to what I have to say about carrying a purse not being weird when he’s already made up his mind that I’m weird for carrying a purse?

I’m also not saying “women could be doing more” or whatever because that’s also probably not true at all. What I am trying to get out is that me, as one lonely nb gay man-ish looking human, I feel impactless, powerless. Powerless to change these broad social constructs that have been engraved into the minds of a majority of the population, even in the newest generation. You wouldn’t think my 16yo sister’s boyfriend painting his nails would feel like a major victory for me personally, and yet somehow it does. That’s very sad.

Like there’s a 44 year old facist dictator in Chechnya right now who’s sending gay people to labor camps still. They literally kidnapped one of the most famous Russian male pop stars off the street and nobody’s talking about it. Kadyrov literally called gay people “subhuman” in an interview after showing off his little fight club and it doesn’t get a peep. How do I change that? I can’t even get a guy to stop calling my purse a “man-purse.”

Tldr; the patriarchy/toxic masculinity sucks for queer men and men of color as well and we are just as helpless to change it as women are in a lot of situations.

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butterbeeryuta · 5 years

Text

You

Inspired by Netflix original series, 'You.'

yuta x reader | stalker!yuta au | smut, thriller | 6.0 k

warning: mention of drugs, profanity, death, stalker behaviour, sex scene

Note: Sometimes, you have to do what is right. It may not be right for you, or anyone else, but hey, ethics is a tough area of study. In the end, we all have our own personal morals anyway. It’s called egoism. Believe me, I’m doing this for you. Just hang on, we’ll meet, and you will be mine.

Ah, I was waiting for you. Three twenty-four p.m. every Wednesday and Friday. For the rest of the days, you either have work at the clothing store as a sales clerk and English assistance, or at the café if their pancakes are on sale. But, today is Friday. You walked in the library rather silently if I have to say. I’ve been observing you since last year when you entered this university from a TA’s perspective. Today, you were wearing a button-up shirt tucked into your jeans, so it can be assumed that you take a business related course—maybe economics, or business studies. But, I know you don’t. You’re in your second year of university taking biochemistry hoping to be a pharmacist to help your adopted older brother, Lucas, recover from his drug addiction. You have a really caring and supportive father who will do anything for his children, and that is because he does not know about your brother’s condition. He thinks that your brother is doing fantastic studying marine biology abroad in Australia, when he is actually living with you and your roommate in Seoul still figuring who the hell he is. As per your mother, nobody knows I guess. Nobody really knows, and neither do you. But, let’s pretend I do not know that for now.

Your eyes were looking for where to sit. You looked unsure if you should sit next to Kim Eunseo, the third year student in the acting department known for vomiting on her boyfriend, or the empty spot in front of me, the teacher assistant for chemical thermodynamics. Or maybe, you want to sit beside Na Jaemin, the heartthrob freshman of Hanyang University. The boy was perfect; pretty face, honey-like voice, and takes media studies and journalism under a 50% scholarship. But, I am better. I am better for you, and not that heartthrob, and neither is your ‘small’ crush on Dong fucking Sicheng who also happens to like you. Your eyes scanned over the empty seats, and for whatever god or spirit that was listening to me, you seemed to walk over to my space. Good job, you’re taking the initiative to come near me. It’s good progress my dear.

‘Hi, Yuta right? Is it alright if I can use the socket in front of you for my iPad?’ So that was the reason. Maybe next time you will willingly sit near me because of me, and not for that device of yours. And it’s been almost two years my love, how are you still so unsure about my name?

‘Yeah, of course, here let me plug it in for you… y/n right?’ That’s good Yuta, do the same thing your loved one does. You smiled brightly in return, nodding your head in approval. You should smile more my dear, it looks wonderful on you. So much more wonderful than the sorrowful and heavy eyes you have whenever you come home when having to deal with that gigantic brother of yours from both family and school stress. But trust me, all of this pain and pressure will all be lifted once you fall into my arms. I will keep you safe and loved. Your hand reached out of your bag for the charger, the white wire coiling against your smooth skin. My dear, the things you do so innocently can mean something else for people like me. Imagine your vulnerable and frail little body tied up against the bed with a white rope, it will look so good against your skin. For a person so intelligent academically, I wonder why you have a crush on a man who just so happens to like you back. He’s such as ass acting all cute and innocent when in reality he just wants you to teach him and give your notes just so that he can pass Biology 101. Your hand, or I guess the charger, made its way to mine, our skin touching for a brief second. Our first time holding hands.

‘Thank you so much. And just for the record, I do know that your name is Yuta. You’re the TA for chemical thermodynamics. And also because that was the class I got highest in’ you added, smiling shyly as you look at your iPad, probably a digital copy of your polymer chemistry textbook. Of course you got the highest in that subject. Yes you are intelligent, highly intelligent if I have to say, but a 97% as an average may slightly be an exaggeration in comparison to your original average of a 83%.

‘Ah yes of course. 97% in chemical thermodynamics, how can I ever forget you.’ I added with a smile.

‘Surprisingly yeah. I genuinely thought material chemistry was my best, but now I guess it’s thermodynamics.’ You added. You’re not lying. Material chemistry was, and still is your best. You’re doing great in all subjects love, so you do not need to worry about that. It’s just your fucked up brother, and your insufferable crush.

‘Well you did amazingly well on your test. With a brain like yours, you would be wanted to come join the seminars for your thesis paper you’ll write in the next 2 years.’ You only smiled in return, your go-to-move when you just want to start working on your stuff. I saw that happen way too many times. For example, two years ago on the 7th of December at the café, the waiter asked for your phone number, but you only smiled and rejected in response. Last year on April 30th when you were on your trip to Jeju island with your friends, Yeeun and Sooyoung, you wanted to stay in your hotel room because you were tired, so you smiled to the girls and rejected their offer to go to beach. And what did you do instead while your friends were swimming and tanning? You masturbated while watching lesbian porn on that exact same iPad you are studying from. With that note, I let you work on whatever you had to do, while I should be checking the current materials in the lab for the lab experiment for the freshmen students. God I hate being a TA.

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It has been exactly three hours and seventeen minutes since you came, working hard on your notes as you listen to piano versions of kpop songs. You’re honestly so cute sometimes, it’s really hard to control myself and devour you. But that time shall come naturally to us one day. If not, I will ensure it will happen.

‘Hey, can I ask something?’ Are you talking to me? I looked up at the love of my life. Your eyes looking at me, very clear to me that you want something.

‘Yeah, what is it?’ Well that sounded quite rude.

‘I know that you’re a Chemistry graduate student, and as mentioned earlier, you work as a teacher assistant. I was wondering if there is a job open at the university? I do work at the clothing store, but I sorta need more income since I have to move apartments. Anyway, um, is there a job open?’ You asked. More jobs to move? What the fuck, is your roommate kicking you out? Your voice sounded so… desperate, needy, broken. You were broken.

‘Well I doubt it you can be a TA, but I’ll see if I can get you the lab technician position, or maybe the university’s official peer tutor. I’ll see what I can do.’ And there is that beautiful smile again. Obviously I will have to actually ask the professors and administrators, but they know your reputation and capabilities love. They talk about how you’re ready to go to graduate school in an instant, and how you’ll be a great asset in the research department. I promise you, your life will be perfect the moment those two men stop dragging you, especially Lucas.

‘Thank you so, so, so, much Yuta. Here, let me give you my contact for easier access…’ Good job my dear, good job.

Wine is disgusting. The amount of tannin present is so overwhelming, leaving an unpleasant taste in your mouth. I don’t know why you like it love, but here I am in a restaurant that serves multiple different types of wine. Red, white, mulled, rose—all of which I know you will greatly enjoy. I want to question why you drink this, but I know. It’s all you ever post on that nonsensical Instagram page of yours. Wine. Wine. Wine. Sometimes there’s a splash of red, or clear bubbles coming from time to time. You’re a mess, a drunken mess. Which is why I am here; I will fix everything for you. Knowing that you texted your group chat entitled as ‘vagina power’ twenty-three minutes ago that you were on the way to the restaurant, you should walk through that door in three, two, on—

‘Excuse me, is Mr. Nakamoto Yuta here?’ Your voice asked the waitress. Technology never fails, I can assure you that. There you were in your clothes from class today. You had medicinal chemistry, human physiology, organic chemistry, analytical chemistry, then ended the day with Korean—you must be exhausted my love. While you were apologising being late as you made your way to the table, all I could notice were your dark under eyes, the dullness in your eyes, and the slight oiliness on your scalp. You are overworked and internally dead. Despite my one year and a bit of research on you, what I could never answer was why you are working so damn hard and not letting one in to help you. Yes, I know that it is your goal to be this highly skilled pharmacist to help your brother, but you yourself knows that even without the excessive revising, you will still make it. Back in senior high school a guy named Kim Yugyeom asked you out, and you said no. You also said no to Park Jimin, Kim Jungwoo, Bang Chan, and even your first ever crush in Grade 11—Yoo Jeongyeon. She made you think girls were for you, but you still said no even if you two fucked in the laboratory because you didn’t ‘finish’ your experiment. Why do you always say no?

‘… thank you so much.’ You were still talking?

‘No problem at all. So, how’s university?’ Keep the conversation going Yuta, keep it going.

‘Well, it is challenging and heavy, but I guess I am doing fine. But now that I get the lab technician job, it will hopefully get better’ you say much more cheerfully, contrasting the tiredness and paleness of your face. You’re an unheard ghost.

‘Well that is how university is. But to congratulate you for your new job, we must make a toast!’ You raised your glass, and so do I, and we clinked. My, how can you not love this person. The moment I see you, all I want to do is hug you, protect you, and love you. If I can make you mine, treat you as my own, I will be the happiest man on the earth.

‘So how did you become a TA?’ You asked as you sipped your alcoholic beverage; your plush lips pressing so tightly against the rim of the glass cup and—Yuta, stop it.

‘Well, I took Chemistry only for my undergrad, and a bit of IT and languages. Then the professor, Professor Seo, asked me to be his teacher assistant initially for organic chemistry. But, I hated that subject and I ended up negotiating to change my position after a month. Then I got the chemical thermodynamics TA job. It’s honestly the exact same job, but I just prefer this topic.’ This is most likely that only truth that I have told you, and you were still listening to me for every word. A true listener with a bright mind, yet not bright enough to realise I have been watching you for more than one year.

‘Well, I think that is great. But let’s move away from academics, I just had five classes straight and I will honestly evaporate into thin air if I hear the c-word again.’ You say as you slightly chuckle. Alright then, what should we talk about? The reason to why you’re leaving your apartment? Your reason to deny people’s offer when they ask you out on a date? Why you overwork yourself to death to a point where you’re affecting yourself physically? Tell me, I need to know.

‘So you wanted to leave your current apartment right? Why’s that?’ You froze for a while. Eyebrows furrowed, eyes moving to the side. Almost unsure if you should respond to my question. You do have a point though, this is by far our first oral conversation, you barely know me.

‘I can’t afford my current apartment anymore since I kind of forced my brother to be moved to the hospital. So I need to save up more money to pay for hospital bills and the cheaper apartment.’ You quietly replied, your eyes still avoiding mine.

‘Oh no, what happened to your brother?’

‘He’s sick. Mentally ill.’ Well, at least you’re not lying to me. Though you could have said that your brother was kicked out of the University of Adelaide for failing all his classes, then he moved back to Seoul with you all high and reliant on that white powdery poison. It has been two years, and he was barely improving, and you had to move him to a hospital. Why didn’t you tell your father who loves the both of you unconditionally? It was because for that exact reason—he loves the two of you unconditionally. You knew for a fact that once your father finds out that your brother is a drug addict mess, Lucas is cut from the family, and you just could not let that happen. You two grew up together, and he used to take care of you a lot when you were in high school. He helped you drive around places, or libraries per se, and he also bought you snacks and all. He seemed to be very happy and caring back then, and you do not know what happened to him the moment he touched down in Australia.

‘I’m sorry to hear that. I hope he gets better soon.’

‘Thank you, I hope he does too.’ The conversation is dying Yuta, quick, think of something.

‘So when are you planning to move?’

‘Oh um, maybe sometime in February or end of January. I will be getting my apartment keys in the next two weeks, so yeah, around those times.’ I better clean up my schedule during that time then.

‘Hey if you need help in moving, just let me know. I will be willing to help.’ Your eyes finally looked up to meet mine, slightly bigger than usual as the corner of your lips were about to rise. You were about to reject my offer.

‘I-I think it’s fine, I’ll be able to manage on my own—‘

‘No, no, I insist. You’re going through quite a bit, the least I can do is help you move in your stuff.’ You nodded instead, bringing your lips to a tight line. You’re considering my offer aren’t you?

‘Alright, I’ll let you know when I’m moving.’ You say as you comb your hair backwards with your fingers. I cannot wait to make you mine.

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It’s been about two months since we had our first proper conversation, and we have not stopped since.

‘You know, Ikea is the greatest thing that has ever came into existence.’ You say, carrying the big wooden compartment for your bed. Which will eventually be our bed, but I can wait.

‘Hmm, I remembered a few days ago you said ice cream was the greatest invention in human history.’ And it is arguably true. It’s comfort food, and keeps you happy from the amount of sugar stored in which makes your brain beg for more. It’s addicting yet unhealthy, but you cannot stop yourself. You crave it when you’re happy, sad, angry, stressed, tired— it’s designed for you to be beg, and beg, and be—

‘Ice cream is a great invention, I do not deny that. We should get ice cream afterwards once we’re done building this bed.’ You smiled at me, again. That beautiful and bright smile of yours can melt anyone my dear, you better be careful before you flash it to anyone else. ‘Anyway, we should go back to building this thing, I want to sleep tonight’ you added, moving your legs again to attach the next piece of the bed frame. Maybe I misread you a bit, you seem to work hard in everything. Not only in academics, but you’ve been doing your best in the lab, academically, ensuring your brother feels safe at the hospital, and even in making a goddamn bed frame for yourself. It is almost as if you barely take any breaks, and yet you do not seem to mind. Maybe you just enjoy to work hard.

‘Ice cream later is it then. Are you the type to eat those weird flavours like into mint chocolate or strawberry cheesecake, or some shit like that?’ Of course I knew what you liked. A few months ago, October the 12th to be exact, you went for ice cream with your lab partner, Sana, and you had chocolate only. You claimed yourself to be an avid chocolate lover. I honestly do not blame you for that.

‘I don’t think they’re weird or anything, but I just prefer to have plain chocolate. I just like chocolate in general. How about you?’

‘I’m more of a matcha type of guy.’ Another honest thing that came out of my mouth. You chuckled in response, nodding your head up and down just by a little. You want to say something don’t you? ‘What is it?’ I asked.

‘Oh, it’s nothing too bad. It’s just very Japanese of you,’ you answered, trying to snap yourself out of a giggly state. Cute. After our small chat, we eventually set up the wooden frame, and placed the mattress on top along with placing of the beige bedsheet. I can’t believe this will be the exact same bed where we’ll have our first everything, including our children. We will have two beautiful daughters: Saya and Emiko. They will be four years apart, and both girls will be at least bilingual. They will also love and cherish the both of us. With our combined intelligence, our girls will conquer the industries, wrapping the entire world in their little, delicate fingers. We will be a perfect family of four, and this bed, the one we have just made together, will be with us until the end. Just before my mind could go somewhere else, your tired body dropped on the newly made bed, feeling the softness and the warmth provided by the material.

‘I know you’re tired too Yuta, you should lay down too,’ you say with your eyes closed, both your hands interlocking with one another just above your abdomen. From what I know, you only do this when you are really tired, thinking of all sort of different scenarios. Since you asked me to anyway, I laid down beside your exhausted body, embracing the same warmth the bed is providing. ‘You know, I’ve never really had anyone over at my place since I’m so busy and all, but I’m glad you came and helped me move’ you softly say, your eyes finally open as your orbs look directly up at the plain ceiling.

‘It’s not a problem really, you do seem tired during lessons so I figured helping you a bit can hopefully ease whatever you’re going through.’ You grinned at what I said, as if you somewhat agree. I do hope it’s true my dear. You had it tough with your brother, but I will assure you that you will become the pharmacist you deserve to be.

‘You did, Yuta. You did.’ The bed slightly shifted, only to see you on your side as you look at me, and here I am looking back at you. Without hesitation, your lips pressed against mine, something I did not expect at all. Since when were you like this? Have I misread you all this time? You rejected so many different guys and one girl, yet now you are acting to brave and different in contrast to my observations and research over the past years. Although multiple questions came across my head, this does not mean I have to stop whatever you just began.

Your warm hand made its way to my left cheek, rubbing the cheek back and forth with your thumb, almost the same gesture when you caress your loved ones. Grabbing your left leg, I pulled over my body, allowing you to sit on top of me, our bodies so close to being connected, to being united. The kiss did not break at all, in fact, it deepened. You surprisingly took the initiative to tap the velvety muscle on my bottom lip, so needy to enter the hot cavern. Maybe this is your way to ensure that you can trust me, and that somebody can love you forever. Maybe this is a process of yours to know that you will be taken care of for eternity. I deserve to be with you my love, you are everything to me, and I know I will be your everything. Your tongue eventually slipped through my lips; both our wet muscles meeting each others, exploring each others caverns for the first time. My arms were holding you tightly against my body, keeping your fragile body on top of mine—I do not want to let you go. But, how do I know that you really want this? Despite the fact that I do not want this to end, I had to pull away, just to be sure. Our mouths slowly separated with the presence of a string of wetness proving the intense session we just had. Your forehead fell against mine, your eyes clouded with lust as you pant heavily against me.

‘Do you still want to do this?’ I have to know.

‘Y-yes, please make me feel good’ you whispered against me. Fuck.

*Disclaimer: sex scene will begin from here. This will be a female x male smut scene, so if this is something you do not want to read, please scroll down until you see another disclaimer similar to this. Please keep in mind that I will write a male x male scene, so please do not feel too disappointed. I am sorry that I was not able to write it on the same day as the publication. Thank you.

Our lips reconnected again, only this time, the feeling was much more intense. I poured in all of my frustration of waiting, and the amount of love and lust I have for you my love. I flipped us over, finally seeing your sensitive and fragile body below me. You are a sight to see my dear, but only for me. I have seen the way your body trembles as your delicate fingers enter in and out of you; your legs shake uncontrollably, your free hand unconsciously slips inside your hot mouth trying to keep yourself quiet, and your beautiful face contorts in pure pleasure. I want you to do the exact same, but I want you to be louder, and I want to be the one pleasuring you. The moment our tongues touched again, I took the initiative to envelop your velvety muscle with my lips, tasting you completely, leaving you as a moaning mess under me. So you like this. I continued to do so as your hips slightly rocks back and forth, your covered sex rubbing against me. Leaving your mouth, I peppered kisses down your addictive skin, taking in the honey-like scent you had. Soft whimpers escaped your throat, clearly enjoying the amount of care and love you were receiving. You deserve this. My hands slipped under your shirt, feeling the soft and supple skin until I met your clothed breasts. Massaging the flesh against my hands, your fingers crawled up behind my neck, slowly making its way to my hair, pulling the roots so gently. My dear, you are indeed irresistible.

‘Yuta t-touch me please,’ you beg, moving your hips even rougher than before, almost as if you are trying to reach for your orgasm by yourself. I chuckled at your submissive manner, knowing exactly what to do to make you come.

‘You want to come my princess? Do you want your pretty pussy to come over my tongue? You’d like that won’t you as you beg nonstop.’ I read that on your diary, you wanted someone to go down on you and make you orgasm uncontrollably, and you want to repeat the process until you beg them to stop. My dear, you are one dirty little girl. You only whimpered in response, nodding your head vigorously. Although it would have been ideal to get a response from you, I know for a fact that the last time you got laid was five months ago with your colleague at the clothing store, Lee Minho. I hope that he is forgotten. Pulling your shirt up, I kissed down from your supple skin until I met the top of your black sweats. I slowly pulled at the strings as my eyes looked up to meet yours. There you were with your glossy and lust-filled eyes as your bite your finger, anticipating what would happen to you. Your chest was heaving up and down as I pulled at your pants, only to reveal you in your sheer white bra and panties. What a fucking sight. Pulling your legs apart, a visible wet patch was displayed, showing a clear outline of your pink lips begging to be destroyed.

‘I haven’t even touched your greedy little hole and yet you are so wet princess.’ Before you could even say anything, my tongue made contact with the soaked cloth, tasting the sweet essence as a moan of relief escaped your throat. Continuing to lick up and down against your clothed sex, your fingers made it to the roots of my hair as your slowly rock your core against my face. Your moans slowly turned louder and louder, and all I can say is, I was definitely going to implode. Allowing you to take control of me, your legs started to tremble on either side of my head as the tip of my tongue was on your covered clitoris. To further intensify the feeling, I pulled your barely existing panties to the side, sucking on your clit, tasting you properly, eating you out like a starved man.

‘Fuck!’ You screamed, legs shaking vigorously as your fingers left my hair for your lips. Without letting you rest, I grabbed both of your legs, pushing my tongue into your dripping entrance, pathetically clenching around it. What a fucking whore. Moans and sounds of me eating your core filled the room, and whoever is living beside you is surely going to know you as a slut. ‘Y-yuta shit I’m coming again,’ you moaned, your head thrown back against the pillow underneath you. Pulling the warm velvet out of your sticky cavern, I slipped in two fingers, moving in and out of you as I watch you in pure euphoria. Just like that, your legs closed and shook, screaming for the second time tonight. Taking out the fingers, I slowly made my way up to your fucked out body, only to see your lips red from the biting, as well as your teary eyes from your orgasms. I pushed the fingers through your lips, and like the good girl you are, you immediately sucked in my fingers, leaving me to imagine all the things you can do with that sweet little mouth of yours.

‘Fuck me please, god I need you in me’ you say breathing heavily, as if trying to understand how you were coping with two orgasms in one go. You said you needed me. Kissing you one more time, I finally unzipped my pants, releasing the solid member that sprung against my lower abdomen. As I removed my sweater, your eyes were staring at the red tip whereas your licked your bottom lip.

‘I’m going to enter alright,’ I whispered beside your ear, peppering feather-like kisses on your face. You froze a bit in place, though I was not exactly sure why. You did not seem to say anything, but it may be because you are finally being with the man who truly deserves you. Placing myself on your dripping hole, I looked at you one last time before anything else goes wrong, or if I miscalculated everything.

‘Just put it in Yuta, I’m on birth control, no need to worry’ you impatiently said, waiting to be filled and feel immense pleasure. Taking in your words, I slowly pushed myself in you, trying my best not to hurt you or bring you to any sort of pain. But my god, were you tight. Your velvet-like walls enclosed around my hard cock, almost impossible for me to go further in. You gasped loudly, pulling yourself closer to me as you held your hands behind my neck, feeling every once of me. ‘Oh my fucking god, I’m so full.’

I pushed myself further with one of my hands on your lower abdomen to keep you stable. ‘Shit you’re so tight, stop me if I go to harsh on—‘

‘Just fuck me Yuta, I don’t want to go gentle, please just do it.’ What?

*Disclaimer: smut scene has ended.

‘Y/n how else will I make love to you if you want to go rough on our first time?’ I asked, trying my best not to lose my temper. Why on earth do you want to go rough? Isn’t that why the reason you rejected all of those guys so that you can finally be with the one that truly deserves you, and can protect you from anything? Your eyes only grew wide at what I said, slowly pushing yourself off me.

‘Make love? Yuta, we’ve only started talking for like two months, what do you mean make love?’ You asked, successfully pushing yourself off of me, slowly pulling the blanket to cover yourself. Why are you acting like this?

‘You kissed me on your newly made bed, what else was I suppose to thi—‘

‘I was only asking for a quick fuck, not a whole love-making session Yuta. I think you should go home and rethink what you just said, I don’t think you’re in your right mind right now.’ How can you say that? I have loved you since you entered the class with, asking thought provoking questions to the professor. I have loved you since you were at the lab, working on your experiment until eight in the evening. I have loved you since you helped that customer in your shop many months ago, trying your best to communicate with the old woman in her mother tongue. You were always so patient, hard-working, and submissive— how can I not love you?

‘No! I do mean it, I do love you. How can I not? You always work so hard and made sure that you and your brother, and your academics were both in good condition. You are my dream, how can I not love you?’

‘Yuta, you’re saying the most insane shit. Please leave. What happens between me and my brother and my studies only should be limited to me, and not you’ you answered, not believing any word I said.

‘I am being normal, you’re just too busy and stubborn to believe anything I am saying! I have taken so much good care of you. I helped you get a job, I paid for all the meals and snacks we had together, I helped make your fucking bed, and you repay me by being your fuck buddy?’ You were infuriating. You were not like this when I watched you on a daily basis.

‘Well I’m sorry if you thought that I was trying to make you as my boyfriend or something, but I do not have time for that Yuta. I am truly sorry if that is what you thought, and if you do not want to see me anymore, I completely understand that—‘

‘No! You rejected Kim Yugyeom, Park Jimin, Kim Jungwoo, Bang Chan, Yoo Jeongyeon, and you do not let anyone else to love you. Is it because you’re too busy taking care of your drug addict of a brother?’ Your eyes grew wider than it already was, your mouth left agape unsure of how to react. Shit.

‘H-how do you know all of t-these things?’ Your voice was shaking, the fear on your face clearly visibly.

‘That’s not m-my point. What I am trying to say is—‘

‘Yuta, have you been stalking me?’ Yes, I have.

‘What? No, I wasn’t. You’re dodging my question again.’ Shit, Yuta. Think, think, think.

‘Then how do you know about my brother?’ You asked, fear and shock still evident on that beautiful face of yours. I made my way to her, gently cupping your face in my hand.

‘I h-heard about it from s-somewhere—‘

‘Get your hands off me! Tell me how you know all about this!’ You shouted, ripping my hands off of you. Without thinking, my hand came in contact with your skin. Loudly.

I slapped you.

A bright red mark was left on your face, eyes filled with tears, unsure if it was from the pain, or from our argument.

‘Shit, no, I didn’t mean that. Fuck, okay, y/n, let’s talk about this like adults’ I said, trying my best to diverge her thoughts away from what just happened. But I know that it will not work, you are one of the smartest people to exist, and you do not let yourself down easily like that.

‘Get the fuck out Yuta. You’re insane.’ Why are you not listening to me? I grabbed your body, leaving you to scream for help, pleading to be freed away from me— but I am not letting that happen. You are mine. I tightly wrapped my hand against your throat to make you shut up, making sure that you listen and concentrate on every word that I will say to you. You need to be disciplined love, especially if we will be together.

‘I need to know why you’re acting like this otherwise we will not be a happy couple. You are my everything, and I should be yours. I made you enter a world of euphoria with my mouth alone just a few moments ago, and you rejecting my love and pushing me away will not work. I have loved you the moment my eyes laid on you, and I need you to love me back’ I explained, watching your face slowly lose colour as your screams died down, but I do not care. You need to listen to my every word and acknowledge it. ‘You will be my partner for the rest of your life, and so will I. We will have two beautiful daughters, and you will also be able to help Lucas medically without letting your father know. But before we can do any of that, you need to be disciplined and I am here for that. Do you understand me?’

No response.

‘I said do you understand me.’

Still no response.

Your face was pale, eyes were closed, body cold. You were lifeless. Y/n, we were supposed to be together forever. We were supposed to have children, have you become a pharmacist, we were supposed to be in love together. Holding your lifeless body in my arms, I rocked your bare body back and forth— you’re not dead my love, you’re just resting. Yes, you’re resting.

‘Y-you’re not dead. I was just teaching you a lesson, but you seemed to become tired. It’s okay, we’ll do it another time. I love you so so much, I will never hurt you my love. Never.’ A dark laugh left my throat as tears rolled down my face. I finally had you in my arms, finally.

a/n: WEEEEEE i wrote that???? okay umm while i’ll be too busy screaming at myself for writing THAT scene, i hope everyone enjoyed it despite the fact that mcfucking yuta was a creep, but yeAhhhH. i am honestly quite paranoid after finishing ‘you’ cause i keep thinking that someone is in the house, but not really, but yeah... the show was good though. let me know if you also watched it cause i would really like to talk about it with you. and also, HAPPY NEW YEAR! i hope ya’ll had a fun time celebrating it.

明けましておめでとうございます！今年もよろしくお願いします。今まで英語だけで話を作ったので、今年日本語でやってみたいと思います。

祝你新年快乐！万事如意也心想事成❤️

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saharamae21 · 4 years

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Autumn Leaves (October Writing Challenge - Day 5)

Hey guys. I’m doing an October writing challenge - an imagine a day! Each will be supernatural, horror, or fall themed!! Here’s day two!

My challenge is subject to change prompts and orders as I see fit!!! (I’m using a number generator - not going in order) The list I posted is simply a rough outline.

Word Count : 1434 Words

SO THIS IS MORE OF A RAFE IMAGINE THAN A KIE IMAGINE? I’M SORRY. This is based off of a piece I wrote in high school about a school shooting. It was a lot longer than this though (and better whoops, this sucks).

Warning: May be triggering to ready. Mentions of death, shootings, violence, etc.

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Your favorite time of year was when the leaves began to change colors. However, the Outer Banks didn’t look much different from summer to fall. It had its areas of autumn like scenery but nothing that actually gave the impression of fall. You had been used to miles of colorful forestry and endless amounts of leaves flying through the air. You would give anything to go on another hike through the forests.

You sat in the Kook Academy, wishing you were anywhere else. You daydreamed of the exerchanging leaves that used to fill your fall days. Kiara poked you playfully, telling you to pay attention. You smiled as she snickered and tried to focus your attention on the lecture. You couldn’t seem to do so though. Something had been off all day, you just couldn’t figure out what. Maybe it was because of the unusually rainy day outside. Maybe it was the empty chair in the back of the room. You could figure it out though.

When Mr. Jameson’s iPad went off, you knew something was wrong. When the color drained from his face, you knew that your gut feeling had been right. Something horrible was about to happen. Everyone watched as the teacher walked over and locked the door of the classroom. You opened your mouth to ask what was going on, but was cut off by the sounds of gunshots. A few people screamed out in horror, but the teacher told you to stay quiet. He had the boys barricade the door with desks and chairs before joining everyone else at the back of the room. Kie linked her arm with yours as you tried to process what was going on.

“No one is going to get hurt,” Mr. Jameson said. He looked at everyone with a serious expression. He was scared though, you could see it in his eyes. Your heart rate was through the roof, but there was nothing you could do about it. Someone was here and they were on a mission.

“Are you okay?” Kie asked you. You nodded even though you weren’t. You had a hunch of who was here and why they were doing what they were doing. You had to confirm your suspicions though. Carefully you made your way over to the window and peered outside. There was nothing unusual, just cars and a few scattered leaves. They fell from the tree outside of the school. You wondered how many students would fall like those leaves.

“Kiara?” you asked and she walked over to join you. “This is my fault.” “What are you talking about?” she asked. You could see the confusion on her face as she peered at you. Instead of answering you just pointed at a truck outside the window, Rafe’s truck. I thought about how you never should’ve broken up with him. You thought about how unstable he was and how much he needed you. “You don’t think…?”

She couldn’t finish her thought. She just stared at the truck outside and knew what was coming, who was coming. You knew that you had to get on top of this. You didn’t want anyone else getting hurt because of your mistakes. Kiara was your best friend in the world, so she instantly knew what you were thinking. You two had been through thick and thin together, so she was determined to make sure that you didn’t go through this alone. You felt her pull you into a hug as the reality of it all ran through your head.

“Y/n!” Rafes voice rang out. You could hear it ringing through the empty hallways. Everyone’s heads turn to face you. Looks of disgust and blame stared at you. You walked towards the barricaded door, but Kie stopped you. She begged you not to go out there, but you had no choice. The teacher told you that you weren’t allowed to leave. He grabbed you, but you gently removed your arm from his grasp.

“I can’t let anyone else get hurt,” you said, voice shaking in fear. “I’m sorry.”

“Where are you, y/n? I came all the way here to talk,” Rafe taunted. You took down the barricade with Kelce’s help and slipped out of the room. You walked down the empty hallway, hearing the footsteps echo around you. Your heart nearly jumped out of your chest as someone grabbed your wrist. You almost screamed, but then you saw Kiara.

“What are you doing?” you whisper yelled at your best friend. She smiled at you and told you she wasn’t about to let you do this on your own. You were walking into a death trap though. You knew that. You couldn’t have her coming with you. “Go back to the classroom now!”

“Is that you, y/n?” Rafe said, turning the corner to see you. He smirked at you. There was a horribly evil look on his face as he walked closer to you. He took his time though. He loved seeing you sweat. You pushed Kiara behind you and tried to stand your ground, but every ounce of you wanted to run. You can’t outrun a bullet though. “Do you see what you made me do?”

Tears filled your eyes as he told you that he needed you. He told you that everyone else’s opinions didn’t matter. He asked why you abandoned him. It broke your heart to hear him say that. The truth was that you could fix him. He was so messed up and it was starting to tear you apart on the inside. You weren’t capable of carrying his burdens. Maybe you should’ve tried harder.

“I-I’m sorry, Rafe,” you stuttered out. He looked at you and shook the gun in your face. He told you that he didn’t believe you. He told you not to lie to him.

“You never loved me! You just wanted to use me like everyone else!” he screamed. You shook your head vigorously. You loved him. You cared for him. Everyone saw how it tore you apart.

“Leave her alone Rafe,” Kiara said, showing no sign of fear. She even pushed him a little bit.

“You bitch,” Rafe said, cocking the gun. “I bet you were the one who told her to end things with me. You’re the reason we broke up.”

He had his finger on the trigger, ready to blow her brains out at any moment, but I wasn’t going to let that happen. She had been the one to give you guidance and tell you that you had to think of yourself first, but that doesn’t mean this was her fault. She was just doing what she needed as your best friend. You stepped in front of her and felt tears roll down your cheeks.

“Rafe, she had nothing to do with this. Please,” you said. You needed this nightmare to end. You looked down the barrel of the gun and he lowered it a little bit. You watched as he aimed it at your stomach. He wanted you to suffer. He wanted you to bleed out and be aware of what was happening the entire time. “If you wanna kill someone, kill me. Kill me please. But don’t hurt anyone else.”

“Deal,” he said. Then the shot echoed through the hallway. At the last moment, someone had pushed you. You fell to the ground, no bullet wound evident anywhere. Then you heard Kie groan though. You looked over and saw her laying on the ground, blood pouring out of her side. She had taken the bullet for you. You scrambled over to her as Rafe’s malicious laughs echoed through the halls. You pulled her onto your lap and applied pressure to her wound. You begged her to stay with you, your hands being coated with her blood. You screamed at Rafe. You screamed at him to realize what he had done, but there was nothing. Instead, he walked closer to you and cocked the gun. He pressed it against your forehead and asked if you had any last words. You didn’t though. You squeezed your eyes shut and waited for the gunshot to echo once again.

When it did, you felt no pain. Instead something warm splattered across your face. You opened your eyes to see Rafe’s body falling to the floor and cops rushing over to you from the opposite side of the hallway. You continued to apply pressure to the now unconscious key as the sound of the shot echoed through your ears. Everything was ringing. You were soaked in blood. Nothing would ever be the same again.

______________________________________________

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brianc521 · 5 years

Text

Break Up

“Are you sure?” You ask Brian, looking around to make sure there was no one lurking around the halls.

“So sure! I overheard them planning!”

“Wait, so what do I do?”

“So he’s gonna take you to the room in the back of the bus, he’s gonna do it there. Look in the cubby on top of the bed, where he keeps his rings and shit, that’s where he’s gonna have Connor hide the camera.”

“Okay, if it’s not there?”

“Then he’s not gonna do it.”

Your heart clenched at the idea of him having this conversation with the slight possibility of him not having the camera set up.

“But if it is there,” Brian continues. “I want you to agree with him. Tell him you think it’s a good idea, and that you were thinking it too.”

“Oh my god, you want me to prank him inside his own prank!”

“SHH!” Brian hushes you, looking around to make sure no one sees you two. “It’s gonna be incredible, but you have to act like you don’t know.”

“Okay, okay!”

It’s been 2 days since Brian over heard Shawn and Connor discussing their latest prank on you.

As you walk down the hall to the back bedroom you and Shawn share on the bus, you know it’s about to go down because Shawn is rolling his shoulders as he walks, and he keeps looking back as if to make sure you’re still right behind him.

You made brief eye contact with Brian as you passed him, and he nodded as if to give to the ‘go time’ que.

You shuffle into the small room as Shawn turns to close the door. You crane your neck, and stand on your toes, and sure enough you can see the red light flashing to prove he’s recording. You wave at the camera briefly, and then turn to sit on the bed before Shawn can see you notice the camera.

“What’s up?” You say sitting on the bed, taking note to how he leans against the wall.

“I want you to listen to me, and let me finish before you react or say anything okay?”

“Okay….are you alright? Come sit Bubs.”

You pulled out the big pet name, knowing it’s the name you only called him in private, and when you were feeling extra in love with him.

Something flashes in his eyes, his cheek twitching as he looks up at you.

You pat the spot next to you, and he shakes his head.

“I need to stand.” He takes a deep breath.

“You’re making me nervous Shawn, what’s wrong?”

He’s breath starts to shake a bit, and you can tell he’s nervous and uncomfortable. Serves him right for trying to pull this on you.

“I need to refocus,” He mutters. “I need to find myself, and become myself again. I’m letting work slip up, I’m skipping meetings and rehearsals. I’m not writing or practicing as much. And then all these fucking pranks are messing with my head and I don’t know.”

“I thought we were done with the pranks, I thought the last one was it?”

His cheek twitches again.

“I think I need a break.”

Even though you knew this was fake, it still hurts a little bit.

“Hear me out, okay? I love you, but I don’t know if I can do this anymore. There’s so much stress and pressure set on my shoulders, so many things going on that I need to be aware of. I’m just struggling to juggle everything at once, and I need to tackle big things like tour before I even remotely being to think of something else.”

He stares at you, and his eyebrows pull together when he sees you nodding.

“Can I be honest?” You shrug. He nods urgently and crouches in front of you. “I’m glad you think so too.”

“Wh-what?” He chokes out.

“I’m glad you think we need a break too, because I’ve been thinking about it for awhile.”

“Wait, what?” His whole face drains of color.

You really have to bite back your laugh when you hear Connor mutter ‘Holy shit’ from the front of the room.

“I don’t know, it’s just been hard to be your girlfriend lately.”

“Wait-” Shawn wants to stop you, stop everything.

“With the new single, and all the speculation. And you’re right the prank thing is a lot. The fans who did enjoy it are demanding more, but I’m glad you feel the strain it put on us too because nothing’s been the same since that first scare you recorded.”

Shawn’s trying to grab your hands and his head hasn’t stopped shaking since you started talking.

“Baby stop.”

“So maybe a break up isn’t a bad idea.”

“STOP!” He raises his voice. “I’m, oh my god, Baby I’m pr-” He’s tugging at his curls. “I’m pranking you, I don’t wanna, I wasn’t being serious!”

You make your eyes go wide, and you push yourself back from him, biting the inside of your cheek so hard so you don’t start laughing.

“What do you mean it’s been hard to be my girlfriend? Baby you know you mean the world to me, I can’t, holy shit, Baby I can’t lose you. You’re everything to me, you’re my forever. Like, you’re gonna be the Mother to my kids, you’re gonna be my wife, you’re my death do us part.”

“Oh Shawn,” You cup his cheek.

“What? I can’t, no! Let’s work on us, let’s take time to work on us, don’t leave me. I can fix it, I can make it better. Tell me what to do.”

You smile at him, leaning forward to plant a small kiss to his pouting lips.

“Tell me how to fix it.”

“You can start by turning the camera off.” You giggle.

“Okay, of course.” He stands and right when he looks into the camera lens it’s like everything clicks. “Oh my god.” You sighs out.

“SHE FUCKING KNEW?” Connor calls out from the front, barreling down the hall with Brian.

“How’s that for unprankable Bitch!” Brian yelps as he falls through the door with Connor right behind him, holding his iPad that was connected to the camera.

Shawn’s standing in front of the camera with his head in his hands, and you’re just watching him as the other two boys cuss the other out about the prank.

You lean over on the bed, setting your hand on Shawn’s hip, curling your fingers into his Guns and Roses band t shirt. You tug a little, getting him to peer at you.

“How’s that for unprankable?” You whisper to him.

He shakes his head, pushing you to lay down as he flops on top of you. He buries his face into your neck and holds onto you tight.

It’s then that Brian and Connor realize that Shawn’s not laughing and yelling at them both for ruining the prank. He’s actually a little upset and not taking this as a joke. You point to the door with your chin, asking them to leave you two alone for a minute.

You bring your hand to his hair, kissing his cheek.

“Shawn?”

“You want to break up?”

“No.” You shake your head quickly.

“It’s been hard to be my girlfriend?”

“No, Bubs I was just pranking you back.”

“You love me?”

“I’m so in love with you Shawnie.” You mutter in his ear.

“I was so scared you were gonna leave me.”

“Can we call this the end, a truce? No more pranks?”

“No more pranks, I don’t think my heart can handle it anymore. First you have hickeys, then you wanna leave tour, and now we're breaking up?”

“We are not breaking up!”

“How’d you know I was pranking you?”

“Brian overheard you and Connor planning the prank a few days back, he prepped me on what to do.”

“Now that I know how it feels, I’m so sorry I was ever gonna do this to you Baby.”

“Oh honey,” You hold him tighter.

“It hurt so bad.”

“I didn’t mean it, I’m sorry.”

“No more pranks.”

“No more.”

#shawn mendes blurb #Shawn Mendes Imagine #shawn mendes #shawn mendes fluff #shawn mendes angst #shawn mendes series #shawn mendes blurb series #boyfriend shawn #boyfriend!shawn #tour shawn #tour!shawn #prank shawn #prank!shawn #shawnmendes imagine #shawnmendes fluff #shawnmendes angst #shawnmendes series #shawnmendes blurb #shawnmendes blurb series

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davecall93 · 4 years

Text

Teddy (8)

In their settled routine, Teddy regularly woke up at 11. By that time, Coach would be downstairs, either fixing him breakfast in the kitchen or working, having already laid out his boy’s breakfast. Teddy would eat, lay back down or on the deck in the back. That morning, Coach was not home, and Teddy grabbed a box of to-go chow mien from the fridge. As he was nearly finished, he heard the garage door open and Coach whistling to himself.

“Hello, honey” said Coach, entering the room carrying a stuffed paper grocery bag. Teddy perked up. The word honey was Coach’s word to indicate that he was especially pleased with himself, even more so than usual.

“Morning. You’re home late.”

“You didn’t starve, did you?” Said Coach sarcastically pointing at the box in Teddy’s left hand. He then noticed that was all Teddy had, frowned and said, “Wait…is that all you ate?”

“I can get seconds.”

“It’s fine, actually. I have plans for us today.”

“Yeah?”

Coach smiled as he took groceries out of the bag. Teddy note that there was something wrapped from the butcher.

“Fancy dinner?”

Coach ignored Teddy. He went over to the large, walk-in pantry and emerged with two party sized bags of chips, a package of double stuffed oreos and a liter of soda. When he set them down, he grabbed Teddy’s face and squared the boy’s eyes with his, exerting only a slight, prodding amount of pressure.

“I think Teddy would like to spend the day in his room.” Teddy’s room was the walk-in closet.

“Yes sir,” said Teddy, staring Coach.

“You can take the iPad in the study and your headphones. Do not come out until I come to get you.”

“Yes sir.”

When Coach released his face, Teddy dutifully marched to the study and then to the walk-in closet, where he spent the day in the yellow light grazing on his snacks. In the later afternoon, around 4 o’clock, he was dying to use the bathroom, and as he shifted about trying to soften the increasing pain, he heard Coach’s disembodied voice say over a cheap speaker, “You can go, Teddy. Be quick.”

That sick fuck, thought Teddy as he bolted out and into the bathroom. When he returned, he peered along the shelves and ceilings, wondering where Coach had put the camera.

At 5:30, Coach opened the door, finding Teddy chest down on the floor in only his boxers watching TV and licking the cream off the side of an Oreo.

“Behold! Adonis in the underworld.”

Teddy took his tongue, bunched the tip and licked the cream of the Oreo sensually. “You like that pervert?”

“He’s feeling fresh,” said Coach, quietly. “That’s good. I was planning just the lesson for him. Come downstairs. You can leave your feed.”

Teddy followed Coach downstairs and onto the patio. There was a high-backed chair with arms and rope hanging off one of them. On the table wing of the grill what looked…no, what was, Teddy now knew…a funnel gag and a leather eye mask.

“Sit, Teddy.”

“Isn’t it a little early in the day?” asked Teddy, thinking about the dinner he had assumed Coach was planning.

“Be quiet.” After he had secured Teddy’s limbs, Coach brought over the funnel and mask, saving the mask for last. Teddy, unable to speak, whimpered slightly as he was plunged into darkness. In that darkness, he felt a piece of rope be wrapped around his rounded gut, tied back just gently enough to hug his circumference ever so slightly. Teddy could not see it, but Coach was beaming as he looked at his trapped and helpless little darling, bulging at the stomach, love handles and crotch, his mop of hair untended.

All Teddy heard was Coach say, “There we are” and then waited. He heard Coach’s footsteps across the deck and slide the screen door open and closed.

Coach? He attempted to whimper. Coach?

Teddy lost track of time as he sat there, feeling the occasional pleasant breeze and shifting helplessly every few minutes. Some time later, he heard what he thought was a second voice in the kitchen. He wondered who Coach would have over…

And then he heard the screen door slide open and the laughter of a pleasant, easy going exchange. He knew that second laugh from somewhere, he just could not place it. He heard Coach say, “You can take the pitcher and the wine, I’ll carry this.”

As the footsteps approached, Teddy could tell there was just one other person with Coach. Then, out of the blue (at least to Teddy, who could see only darkness), Teddy heard a bright enthusiastic voice: “Hey! Looking good, big guy!”

It was Henry.

Teddy whimpered a bit, unsure exactly what words he was trying to produce. He felt someone approach and then suddenly there was a hand shaking the flab of his gut vigorously. “Teddy, you’re bigger than the last time I saw you! Look at your arms!” Teddy felt Henry pinch the pool of fat beneath his triceps. “Hewie really takes great care of you.”

“He’s disgusting,” said Coach, somewhere to Teddy’s left and above him.

“Don’t say that,” said Henry, who was rubbing Teddy’s thighs with his hands. “He’s beautiful. Look at him! He looks so well-fed.” He pinched Teddy’s love handle. “That is some tender loving care right there.”

Teddy whimpered slightly, confused. Why was Henry there? How did he and Coach know each other?

“Henry has come to join us for dinner, honey,” said Coach, who had crouched down so his mouth was about level with Teddy’’s ear. “We were going to have some drinks here on the deck. Doesn’t that sound nice?”

Teddy whimpered more forcefully. He heard Henry whisper, concernedly, to Coach, “Is he okay?”

“He’s fine,” whispered Coach, just loud enough so Teddy could hear. “He’ll tell us if he really wants to stop it.” Coach and Henry simultaneously at Teddy, who continued to whimper our of confusion and shift needlessly in the chair.

“Go for it,” said Coach, who watched as Henry pour some of a blender of shake into the funnel. Teddy gulped it down dutifully.

“See? He loves it.” Teddy sat still. It was not the shake that he was sure that he minded.

“Should I give him some more?”

“Sure,” said Coach, as if he routinely considered how to properly moderate how he served Teddy. Teddy felt another rush of shake and gulped it down.

“Now tell him what a good job he’s done and come have a drink.”

“You’re doing great,” said Henry, patting Teddy softly on his stomach. Teddy was nowhere near full after Henry’s modest pours. “You’re so soft.” He grabbed the pitcher again and poured more shake into Teddy. “Just to top you off,” he said, slightly sheepishly. Henry then walked over to the deck table and sat across from Coach.

In the darkness, Teddy digested and listened intently to their conversation. He was less bothered that an acquaintance had manhandled him than that Coach and Henry appeared to be on a date. The two were chatting about Coach’s charity work (Henry was famliar with the organization) and apparently shared a mutual love of cooking. Teddy felt his young heart in love sink.

Until of course, he heard, in the darkness, Henry ask how long Coach and Teddy had been together.

“Since the start of the summer.”

“That must have been a big change.”

“It was. I moved into this place after I broke off an engagement a few years ago, and I didn’t think I would meet anyone for a long, long time. But I had to pounce fast on Teddy; he was moving.”

“We’re thinking of moving after he gets back,” said Henry. “Neither of us is from around here, and I mean there’s not much here unless you just want to hang out.”

“I could find you a job if you’re looking for one. You should give it a try, it’s a nice place for someone your age.” There was a pause. “Besides, I’ll need someone to sit for Teddy if I ever have to go away and can’t take him.”

Teddy heard Henry laugh. “What would that entail?”

Teddy could not see Coach gesture towards the boy sitting tied up on the deck. “Just like this. You have to cook for him, though, and rub his belly when he’s full. He’s like a dog.” Coach raised his voice to make sure Teddy could hear, “But much dumber!”

“Hewie!”

“He can’t hear us.”

“Well, my boyfriend would not…I mean…it’s not really his thing. He’d be pretty disgusted.”

“Teddy’s the first boy I’ve ever really had the chance with. Everything up to now has been mostly pretty vanilla. My boyfriend in college got chubby because I would cook for him, but…he was a drunk, rocker boy. That was as much the beer as me. Then I dated a guy who was…” Coach paused and inhaled, “…a nice guy. He kept trying to lose weight, and we just sort of petered out.”

“And the engagement?”

“Ah! He was an asshole. So was I, I guess. It was a long phase. I really wanted to live the life I expected to. And I like nice boys, but I really gelled at the time with this guy. We were an incorporated couple. Perfect match, did everything together: marathons, dinner parties, we played around together, we were known in the co-mu-ni-ty. I proposed at Christmas, he was the one guy my mother ever approved of. He was all about status. And one day he was bitching about how fat he was—and that bitch was fitter than me—and it just hit me that everything we did was for…well, we didn’t have Instagram at the time. But we were a fucking hashtag. So I broke it off, took the offer to coach swimming here, and then one day I met that little fat mop of hair.

“And the rest is history.”

“The rest is history. But you know…you take a chance. Teddy could have been like, ‘I don’t like this,’ and we’d be sitting here eating salads. You make choices.”

“So I should stay with him?”

“Until you shouldn’t.” Coach looked over at Teddy. “I think someone is ready for the rest of his shake.”

Henry got up and poured some more shake in the funnel.

“No, you’re too polite. You gotta give him what he fucking wants. I’ll show.”

In the darkness, Teddy heard Coach approach.

“Now, as I pour it in, put your hands on his stomach and just feel that greedy pit get full.”

Teddy felt two cool hands place themselves on his stomach. In seconds, there was a rich flow of shake, and he felt the rope tighten against his stomach.

“Teddy!” Said Henry as they continued to feed him, “you’re growing all over the place!”

Coach looked down at Teddy’s tented crotch. “That’s all me. He didn’t do that at first, did you honey?”

When there was air again, Teddy moaned.

He then felt the tickle of Coach whispering in his ear, “Henry is going to jerk you off. Is that okay?”

Teddy made a long moan of assent. In the darkness, he could feel his stomach rounding out, pushing tighter against the rope Coach had fastened around him. He felt Henry’s hand reach into his boxer’s and pull out his modest erection, and stroke it rhythmically. In seconds, he was lost in a mix of pain from the stuffing and the ecstasy of Henry stroking his cock.

When he came, more forcefully than he had in a few weeks, he could hear Henry say breathlessly, “Fuck that was hot.”

“C’mon, I think it’s our turn to eat,” was all that Coach replied.

The two ate companionably, leaving Teddy tied up and eavesdropping on the patio. When the night turned cold, Coach draped a blanket over him. When Henry said goodbye, he patted Teddy on the stomach, telling him what a good boy he’d been, as Coach had instructed him to do.

Once he was gone, Coach came out and released his eyes and mouth. Before Teddy could say any words, he got a big wet kiss.

#Gainerfiction #gainer stories

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whatsmylaneagain · 4 years

Text

Amethyst - Third Chapter

Pairing: Eggsy x Agent!Reader

Word count: 1960 (a big one!!! Yay!!!)

Warnings: swearing, Roxy mention (bc she deserved more), reader’s character being a rebellious lil shit, Eggsy being kinda dumb (oh well this is all kinda narrated by his point of view, there’s no way to not expect that, right?!)

Chapter synopsis: so, we know that the bomb had Eggsy’s name on it, but.... what the hell is actually happening?

A/N: GUYS IM BACK AND IM SORRY!!!! I’ve written (and revised) this more than six months ago, but I absolutely hated how I made Eggsy a dumb character, so I spent all this months putting this story aside to fix it later... but I love it so much and this week I watched Spies are Forever and oh well.... idk, its been too long, but I’m posting this anyway.

Amethyst masterlist

Eggsy didn’t expect to find another person other than Harry and Merlin at the Kingsman’s meeting room. And what he definitely didn’t expect was for the person to be a beautiful Chinese woman laughing and having a drink with Harry Hart. The young man felt like he was invading a private moment, and had the sudden urge to grab y/n by the arm to show her the new victorian-style sconces he chosen for the rebuilt hallway.

But before he could say anything, y/n had already tapped the doorpost, making their presence known. The middle-aged woman talking to Harry glanced at the two young agents, giving the girl a sly smile.

“I’m glad to know you didn’t punch Mr. Unwin on your way here, y/n” she said, as Eggsy went straight for his chair on Harry’s right side.

“I would’ve if you didn’t send me that text” The girl had moved to the woman’s side, backing up to the wall for support. She never made mention of pulling a chair.

“Well, y/n, I take as you already know Harry.” Said the woman, gesturing to the older man, who smiled sweetly. Yes, that’s right. Harry SMILED.

“Of course, The Great Harry Hart, the man of a thousand missions;” when Eggsy thought he couldn’t get more confused, y/n pulled this. “Everybody at the headquarters knows who you are.” And some - fucking – how, she sounded genuine, and not witty or arrogant as she appeared to be. Was that… admiration?

Seeing Eggsy’s confused expression, the older woman gave him a small smile, welcoming, but not too sweet; just like an agent is used to do.

“Galahad, I’m Yijun, or as my agents – or people who can’t bother to learn how to pronounce it - call me, Circe. I’m the head of Amethyst, the agency that y/n works for.”

Eggsy must have looked very confused, because Harry intervened, while pouring two more drinks, giving him one and sliding the other across the table, towards y/n.

“Yijun is an old friend, we met some weeks after she came from China. I was already a Kingsman, and was trying to bring her into the organization – just like I did with you – when she was recruited as an Amethyst trainee.”

“You knew?” Started Eggsy, a little bit of irritation shaping his words. After agent Whiskey, he knew better than not to trust Harry. But he couldn’t help the feeling of being a pawn. “Why did you let me go after her then?”

“I didn’t know the agent who saved you was y/n. All I knew was that she was an Amethyst, since the intervention was fast and clean.”

“-almost clean;” Yijun turned her chair to y/n, who was taking a sip out of her drink, still leant against the wall. “If Morgan’s work were perfect, you wouldn’t be able to find her.”

“Nobody’s perfect, but I try my best.” She shrugged. “’m still your best agent tho.”

“Please,” Merlin entered the room, an IPad in hands, ready to the briefing. “put the blame on me for being able to hack into almost anything, including London’s surveillance cameras. She did a wonderful job.”

Merlin stopped right in front of y/n, extending his hand for a handshake. She grabbed it immediately.

“Miss Le Fay. Hope our codenames won’t be a problem.”

“I don’t see why, Sir Merlin. The witch from who I borrowed my name could very easily have been Merlin’s apprentice.”

No awkward pressure thing, from what Eggsy could see. Why were his interactions with her so bloody awful? For god’s sake, y/n was joking with Merlin!

It took him a moment to remember what history the two were referring to: Morgan Le Fay was a witch in King Arthur’s story, from where Kingsman got their codenames. Depending on the version, she can be portrayed as Merlin’s enemy, responsible for the death of King Arthur or as a powerful good woman, that had healing powers and could shape shift. For an organization like Amethyst, Eggsy supposed the second option was the one they had in mind.

Merlin greeted Yijun with a respectful “ma’am” before selecting something on his device, the projection of a document showing up on the wall above y/n.

“The techs over Amethyst sent us their reports on missing people, and turns out the man who you two,” Merlin looked at Eggsy and y/n. “saw is Adrian Bell. Seven months ago, he apparently went on a trip to India, but his family didn’t hear about him after he left. He never showed up on the airport camera footage.”

“So... he planned to disappear?” Interfered Eggsy.

“Apparently, yes. But there’s a problem.” Merlin changed the projection, it now being a series of pictures, especially ones where Bell hugged his family tightly, his wife crying, and his kids glued to his leg. It looked like a reunion. “He doesn’t remember anything and woke up asking for his family. His last memory was being in a bar and passing out. He thinks that he was in an alcoholic coma.”

Eggsy was about to ask a lot of questions, but Merlin had started talking again, while taking two Kingsman’s RayBans out of his pocket, giving each woman a pair.

“I’ve made a partnership with the group of cooperative organizations led by Amethyst, also called D.E.A.R; Diamond, Emerald and Amethyst Relations -” Introduced Merlin, but Eggsy wasn’t really paying much attention to him.

Instead, he was observing y/n, who hesitantly spun the glasses in her hands, analysing it, differently from Yijun, who just put them on right away. Her mouth twitched on the side, and she started to bite her tongue, as if trying to distract and put herself together. Y/n put them on, but kept looking down for some seconds, before fixing her posture and raising her head, crossing her arms, still leant against the wall on one shoulder.

It was quite weird seeing y/n wearing the glasses. Even though she had noting that could possibly remind him of Roxy, Eggsy couldn’t stop the deja vu of his best friend. A sad smile adorned his lips. He missed her.

A Kingsman-style hologram of a young 16-year-old girl appeared sitting on one of the chairs, big extravagant round sunglasses framing her face along with bright pink streaks on her brown hair. Although she was a teenager (and dressed like one, in a jean jacket and a white tee that said “girl power” in red), she sat perfectly straight, very professionally.

“Good evening, gentlemen. I’m Tonks, Emerald’s tech and field agent. I just came back from an information gathering mission.” which, as a previous Emerald’s agent, y/n knew was just a fancy description for attending parties. Nothing too dangerous, especially for Emerald’s missions, that were more based in socialization and keeping an eye on people. Actually, y/n was impressed that Tonks had something substantial to report (especially to Kingsman) in a high school party. “A group of unmatchable individuals seems to be working together, all of them acting really uncharacteristic and very patronized. I detected the group spiking other teen’s drinks. I managed to intervene and get a sample of it. Agent Spellman also reported a strange movement, alike the one I observed, with a college group. We sent the samples to our biotechs, and the lab concluded it was a modified Mikey Pinn.” The girl grabbed her phone and sent something, the IPhone message sound reverberating through the room. “Now you have access to our outhouse cameras, Merlin.”

Merlin quickly changed the projection above y/n to eight squares of video that showed each teen in one small room, some asleep on the beds, some walking around nervously, and one passed out on the floor. Tonks started talking again.

“Spellman and I brought the group of high school and college students to our outhouse. Whatever drug they’re on soon will wear off, and then we’ll be able to analyse what happened to them.”

“Was that the first ever occurrence on your field, Tonks?” Asked Yijun, and then turned to the Kingsman’s, explaining; “Emerald agents that work on high schools usually only have to get in action to stop violence and abuse at their missions. Situations like what we’re dealing with right now is uncharacteristic.”

“No, Boss. Some students stopped going to classes suddenly, but we checked: they all were confirmed on exchange programs abroad. Apparently, they never went.”

Y/n wasn’t leant on the wall anymore. She’d walked to the table, bent over it, hands open, pressed on the cold wood, all her attention on Tonks. Tension.

“Who were the kids? High school and college. Why choose them?” She said.

Tonks flipped through her phone, messaging Merlin more documents - the ring once again filling the room - before answering.

“A rugby player, two perfect grade kids and a foreign student were the high school kids. Apparently, it’s a pattern: physically strong people and awarded students that stand out for their knowledge of exact sciences.”

“Have you tracked were they were drugged the first time?” Continued y/n.

“Not yet, but...”

“I did;” said Merlin, suddenly, typing on his IPad.

A new image showed up on the wall. The front of a bar that looked like it used to be fancy ten years ago. Now, the paint was coming off the walls, and the huge opaque black doors were rusted, chains and a big old padlock kept them closed. It had no name on the outside, only a broken light up waning crescent moon, just the inferior part working, shining in a weak yellow light.

Eggsy knew the place. Actually, every teen and young adult in London knew Moonz: the flat broke bar that let underage kids come in and drink. You didn’t even need a fake ID, they would pretend to not be able to do math and let kids in. In some months, it became domain of teens, turning into a considerably safe place for them to get drunk and party. Also, it was the cheapest place to get booze.

But the underage drinking caused a bigger problem; since it was illegal, the neighbourhood didn’t have a lot of cops because the owner kept them away. Consequently, Moonz’s location became a centre of violence, kidnapping, and other heavy crimes.

The young Galahad saw y/n turn to the projection in slow motion, the act of being casual being thrown out of the window. For Eggsy, she looked like a robot who got rebooted and installed a completely different system of command. When she spoke again, her voice was strong and deep.

“Tonks, do you know when it started?”

“It?” Asked Eggsy.

“The kidnappings.” Y/n answered. “The fact that they were drugging others looks like it was a kidnapping system. In this context, those kids were “recruiting” more teens.”

Tonks checked her phone.

“No, Morgan. We couldn’t track it. They apparently are the first ones to come back.”

“Shit.” Y/n paced around the room. “Boss, permission to do an observation and protection mission at Moonz.”

“Permission granted” nodded Yijun “take Galahad with you.”

“Yi, I don’t think the gentlemen can pass as a teenager.” Y/n had stopped walking. She looked straight into Eggsy’s eyes. “With all due respect...”

Yijun shook her head.

“You know there are other ways to get him inside undercover.”

Y/n ran her fingers through her hair, taking a deep breath. Eggsy could almost hear her thinking “Fuck. Fine.”.

“C’mon Galahad, we’ve got a job to do.”

Eggsy and Y/n were almost out of the room when Yijun called her agent again.

“Oh and Y/n.” The girl turned around. “Don’t engage. I’ll send Emerald agents to protect the kids, but you and Galahad can’t have your covers blown up. Do. Not. Engage. Do you understand?”

All Y/n did was nod slightly.

If you made it to here, thank you so much! I hope it was worth your time! Some feedback would be appreciated, I really wanted to see if you liked this (dumb) Eggsy I’m presenting.... If you don’t want to be in the taglist anymore, I totally understand! Just message me :)

Also!!!! Feel free to message me any questions about the fic and this chapter! I have some fun reasons for choosing those codenames and Diamond, Emerald and Amethyst as the names for the organization!

Amethyst taglist

@a-dorky-book-keeper @50shadesofuncomfortable @arizonacolleen @infinity-of-high-dreaming @toasty-fish @pink-smarties @mc225g @dadd-ilf @sueeatstheworld @katorgatorgalaxy @the-ink-and-salt-club @incorrect-mcdanno @xelizabethvalentinex @ahyestheandersons @thatdamnokie @wxxnks @awesomewees @ryedikkulus @discodeak @clacestan @y-dadd

(If you got the notification again, sorry! I had a problem with the taglist and had to do it again!

#kingsman #kingsman fanfic #kingsman eggsy #kingsman au #eggsy unwin #eggsy imagine #eggsy x reader #harry hart

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mandelene · 5 years

Note

Idk if you're still doing drabbles since the post was from yesterday (came across it too late 😅) so feel free to ignore this. But in case you are, how about this: very hot summer day. Madeline's exhausted because of the heat (low blood pressure I guess), Amelia's full of energy and hyperactive. You go where you want from here. Thank you! 💕

This drabble prompt has been sitting in my inbox forever and I’m so sorry! On the bright side, I wrote a lot for it.

You guys are trying to hurt poor Maddie again. Heartless fiends! Your wish is my command though, so here you go, lol.

Too Cool for You

Word Count: 1154

"Tag, you're it!"

"Amelia, I'm tired. It's too hot."

"Oh, don't be such a baby!"

Madeline isn't sure how Amelia has the energy to be hurtling up and down the driveway like this. She feels like she's melting. The heat has started seeping into her muscles and bones. The air is thick and humid, and her scalp is burning because she forgot to put a baseball cap on. She doesn't remember the last time it was this sweltering in June.

"I'm not! It's just...It's..." Even keeping a train of thought at this point is proving to be difficult.

Amelia finally stops running around like a madwoman and tilts her head to the side in confusion. "Maddie? You don't look so good."

"Just...Just too hot," she sighs. She hears a car coming up the block and sluggishly turns around to look who it is.

It's only Dad -- he's back from work.

"So do you wanna keep playing or not? 'Cause if not, I'm gonna go ask Ivan if he can--"

The world suddenly becomes fuzzy. Black clouds dance across Madeline's eyes. She tries to reach out a hand to grab something, but Amelia is standing too far away. There's nothing else around her but grass and concrete. Everything seems to slip away for a moment, and time stills.

The car gets closer and stops in front of the driveway. Her breathing quickens. Panic races through her veins. She hears Dad say her name but doesn't see him. Amelia screams.

Her legs give out, and her knees slam into the burning cement. Her upper body starts to pitch forward, but she lands in someone's arms. Oddly enough, she doesn't feel any pain.

"Maddie!"

Madeline groans. Her forehead, neck, and back all feel sticky and clammy. When she opens her eyes, everything is surprisingly clear again. She's slumped against Dad's chest like a ragdoll, and he looks down at her with a very serious expression on his face. And because she's scared and doesn't know what's going on, she feels tears roll down her cheeks.

"We'll bring you inside in a moment, love. You're probably overheated. You girls shouldn't have been playing in the sun," he says, carefully sitting her up. "And don't cry, darling. Don't cry. It's all right."

Her knees sting, and when she looks down at them, she sees speckles of blood oozing out from two sizeable scrapes. She hates the sight of blood -- it makes her want to throw up.

"Shhh, shh, don't worry. We'll fix it."

The front door to the house creaks open, and Papa appears in his kitchen apron and slippers. He says mutters something colorful in French and hurries toward them, slippers slapping loudly down the driveway. "Poor, Madeline. I can't let them out for even an hour, Arthur. I told them to stay in the shade."

"It's all right. This heat is enough to make anyone ill. "

Dad grips her waist and arm tightly and, with added support from Papa, she's able to stand. They carefully walk her into the house and over to the living room couch -- and oh god, does it feel amazing to be in the air-conditioning again.

Amelia bounces in and out of her vision, pacing around the couch and asking things like, "Are you taking her to the hospital? Is she having a heart attack? Is she gonna die? Can I have her iPad Pro?"

"Stop it. It's going to be fine," Dad says as he's stacking pillows under Madeline's feet and legs. "Francis, could you bring a glass of juice -- doesn't matter which kind...And ice."

"Ouai, of course."

"How are you feeling, Madeline? Any better?" Dad asks, crouching beside her. "Still too hot?"

"My head hurts."

"Sit tight. I'm going to bring my bag from the car. Amelia, watch your sister for a second, please."

"Okay," Amelia says, but as soon as Dad crosses the threshold, she yells, "It's been more than a second!"

"Don't test my patience!" he barks back, not even turning around.

Amelia sighs, sits cross-legged beside the couch, and murmurs, "What do you think he's gonna do to you? Give you a shot? Call an ambulance? Put stitches in your knees? Don't worry, I won't let him."

This is not the least bit reassuring.

Papa returns with a tall glass of cold apple juice and an icepack just as Dad appears with his backpack of torture tools.

"Thanks," Dad says, taking the ice from Papa and placing it on Madeline's forehead. He also passes the glass of juice to Madeline and has her take a few sips.

Then, he unzips his bag and pulls out a blood pressure cuff along with his stethoscope. The entire time, Amelia watches on intently, not wanting to miss any of the action.

He wraps the cuff around Madeline's left upper arm and shoots her a little smile. "Just going to make sure it's nothing more serious, all right?"

Madeline nods, watches Dad put his stethoscope on and holds still when she feels the diaphragm against the crook of her arm. This isn't the first time he's checked her blood pressure. She's prone to bouts of weakness in the morning before breakfast.

"87 over 60 -- a bit low," Dad says before pressing two fingers against her wrist. "Pulse is fine."

He then rests the back of his hand against her cheek. "No fever. How do you feel now?"

"Better," she sighs. Her head doesn't hurt as much as it did a few minutes ago.

"That's good. Rest here for a while. All that's left to do is to bandage those cuts on your knees."

From her front-row spot, Amelia frowns. "What? That's it? Aww, man."

Dad raises a brow and laughs. "What do you mean 'that's it?' What did you expect?"

"I dunno, I thought you were gonna do something gross or cool," Amelia says, very obviously disappointed.

Papa also laughs and shakes his head at her. "There are popsicles in the freezer if you're looking for something more exciting. Bring one for your sister as well."

"Yay!"

"I want grape," Madeline adds.

"Okay!"

Dad, meanwhile, pets her arm soothingly and says, "Don't pay her any mind, poppet...Amelia, did you put that cream on your foot rash today as I asked you to?"

Already halfway to the kitchen, Amelia shouts back, "No!"

"Of course not, I suppose that's not cool enough to bother with either," Dad grumbles, rolling his eyes. "Would you prefer an anti-fungal injection in your foot instead?"

"NOOOOO!"

"Stop scaring her," Papa chides.

"Fear is a very good motivator."

"Arthur."

"Not all children respond to kindness, compassion, and reason like Madeline does, Francis."

That gets a small giggle out of Maddie, and she can't help but feel miles better when Papa momentarily lifts the icepack on her head to give her a kiss.

She doesn't mind being the center of attention for a while.

#hetalia #aph canada #aph nyo!canada #aph america #aph nyo! america #aph france #aph england #aph face family #overheated #too cool for you #drabbles

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halorvic · 5 years

Note

Hallo! I want to give digital art a go and I was wondering if you could answer me some questions: Which tablet do use (ipad, wacom, or other)? And why, what has been you experience with it? I ask because I just can’t decide which one I should get! And also: which software do you use for your drawings? Thank you love your art bye 💜

I use Wacom’s older Bamboo models! I have two different ones on hand — the CTH-460 and the CTH-470.

CTH-460

Pros:

Small and portable

Not as expensive as some of the other models

Cons:

Lower pressure sensitivity than other models

Might be too small for people who prefer working on larger surfaces

Had to replace this a couple of times before because the connecting cord stop working properly (probably due to regular but pretty normal bending/twisting when packing it away) and over time it couldn’t be recognised by my computer

——

CTH-470

Pros:

Small and portable

Not as expensive as some of the other models

Removable cord

Optional wireless connectivity

Cons:

Lower pressure sensitivity than other models

Might be too small for people who prefer working on larger surfaces

You have to purchase the battery/little connection device separately from the tablet if you want wireless capability

Sometimes the wireless connection has trouble establishing itself – usually it’s fixed if I remove the battery from the tablet, reinsert it and turn it on again, but it can be annoying

I like to have the CTH-460 as my home tablet whereas I keep the CTH-470 in my backpack for use when I’m out. The CTH-460 is the second tablet I started using when I initially picked up digital art. The very first one I used was an old Wacom Intuos 4, which was about double the size and much heavier. It worked fine and it had a higher pressure sensitivity rating than these but portability is important to me and I personally prefer working with a smaller tablet. I’ve even grown to prefer the lower pen sensitivity, especially when it comes to doing paintings (though I still put it as a “con” above since I think most people want higher sensitivity).

So my experience with the Bamboo has been positive overall! Mind you, I have never purchased any of my tablets at full price — I’ve always gone to places like eBay to obtain them second hand at a far more affordable cost (they may be cheaper than other models but they’re still not cheap).

As for the program I use: Photoshop! Used it long before I took up digital art so it was easy for me to jump right in with it. The newer versions now are only offered as a subscription so unless you don’t mind and can afford shelling out $$ to Adobe regularly, I’d recommend searching for an older version somewhere if you want to use PS (I currently use CS6). The internet is your friend...

#michasks #long post for ts #art talk #[[x]]

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sunriserose1023 · 5 years

Text

Lovely, Deep, and Dark

WARNINGS: ANGST, hospitalization, surgery, medical situations/terminology WORD COUNT: 7034 AUTHOR’S NOTE: Part Four of my “When You Come Back to Me Again” Marvel Angst series. You can catch up in the link below. I’m playing with the timeline of this story a bit in this chapter, if you’ll allow me. I set this story after Age of Ultron and just before Captain America: Civil War, and I hope that knowledge will help you as you read the story.

MASTERLIST

“Good morning, Miss Ross.”

Betty smiled at the nurse—Anastasia was her name—and made her way down the hall. Anastasia hurried to catch up with her and spoke softly.

“Dr. Palmer is here. She’s in with your sister now.”

Betty stopped walking, turning to look at the nurse.

“Palmer? I thought we agreed on Dr. Strange.” “Palmer is his colleague.” “That doesn’t—“ “Miss Ross?”

Betty closed her eyes, letting out a breath before laying a hand to her chest. When she looked back to the nurse, Anastasia gave her a soft smile.

“Dr. Strange is a big gun. You don’t want to call out the big gun unless you really need it.”

Betty crossed her arms over her chest.

“And Palmer is … what, a little gun?”

Anastasia smiled.

“She’s the one who can tell us whether we need to call out the big gun or not.”

Betty sighed, rubbing a hand over her face. She nodded, then began walking down the hall again, with Anastasia right beside her. They stopped at the door to the intensive care unit, and Anastasia typed in the code to open the door. Betty walked through the doors once they’d opened, then stopped at a small sink to tie her hair up and wash her hands. She slid a yellow paper gown over her clothes, slipped blue gloves onto her hands, and let Anastasia cover her hair with a blue paper cover. Betty closed her eyes as Anastasia fit a mask over her mouth and nose and once it was tied, she nodded. Anastasia pressed a button and the sliding doors of a patient room opened.

Betty gave a shaky sigh, heart thudding in her chest when she looked at the bed. Three weeks and it still jolted her to see you like this. Betty glanced away from the bed and met the blue eyes studying her, an iPad in the woman’s hands. Betty gave her a nod.

“I’m Betty Ross. This is my little sister.”

The eyes, nearly the only thing visible over the mask covering the woman’s face, went soft.

“Christine Palmer. I’m a colleague of—“ “I’m sorry, Dr. Palmer. I don’t want to be rude, but … we asked for Dr. Strange. Dr. Stephen Strange. We were told he is the best, and he is supposed to be the one to take my sister’s case.”

Christine gave a slow nod of her head.

“Dr. Strange is … very busy. He simply could not leave the hospital to make this trip. But I work very closely with him and I assure you, I am going over your sister’s case with a fine-tooth comb.”

Betty sighed, hanging her head before stepping to the bed. She reached down and took your hand, giving it a squeeze, closing her eyes when she felt nothing in return.

“Miss Ross—“ “Betty, please.”

Christine nodded.

“Betty … could you tell me what happened? I mean, I’ve read her chart, but I … I want to hear it from you.”

Betty sighed, laying your hand back on the bed and crossing her arms over her chest.

“It was an accident.”

Christine nodded.

“What kind of accident?”

Betty turned away from her, looking out the window at the drizzling rain. She closed her eyes, that sick feeling coming over her when she thought about what to say.

“It was an accident. If you’d just touch Wanda’s hands, she can—“ “I’m not getting anywhere near her or any of them. You steer clear of them, too.” “Dad, please, just—“

Thaddeus’ eyes flashed as he stepped closer, crowding Betty until her back hit the wall.

“No more. The Avengers will not touch my daughter—either of my daughters—ever again. I don’t even want them mentioned around Y/N.” “What are we supposed to say?”

Betty swallowed, giving a shaky breath before answering the way her father had coached.

“A car accident. She always wears her seatbelt, but she … I don’t know. They said her phone was in her purse in the backseat, so maybe she unbuckled to try to get it? That’s all I can think of. The impact threw her forward, and she hit the steering wheel, which … that gave her the, um …” “Blunt force trauma.”

Betty nodded.

“Blunt force trauma to the chest and abdomen.”

She closed her eyes, squaring her shoulders before she schooled her expression and turned to face Christine again, speaking from memory now.

“Both of her lungs collapsed, so they had to insert tubes on either side of her chest. Her pelvis is broken, as are two vertebrae in her back, but her spinal cord appears to be intact. However, she hasn’t moved for us to test that.”

Betty bit the inside of her cheek, then continued.

“She has a grade three laceration to her liver, but they repaired it. They had to remove her spleen and one of her kidneys, but the other kidney is working fine.”

Christine nodded, and Betty crossed her arms over her chest before she went on.

“Once they stabilized her and did all the surgery they needed to, they put her in a medically-induced coma to help her stay still long enough to allow her spine to heal. But then her … her brain started swelling and they had to do surgery to release the pressure and … now she’s in a coma they can’t wake her from.”

Betty huffed out a breath.

“Dr. Palmer, I don’t know, okay? I’m a scientist. I deal with cells, not … brains. Not bodies like this. I’m out of my element here.”

Betty blinked back the tears that came to her eyes.

“This is my baby sister. I just …”

Betty sniffled.

“I need you to fix her, please.”

Christine slowly nodded her head, stepping closer to the bed. She studied your sleeping form, then gave another nod.

“Give me a few minutes. I need to make a call.”

Betty nodded and Christine left the room. Betty let her shoulders fall and hung her head, trying and failing to blink back the tears. She walked to the chair beside your bed, sitting down and taking your hand.

“I’m sorry. Honey, I am so, so sorry. I never …”

Betty sniffled, then leaned over, whispering softly as she slowly caressed your cheek with the back of her gloved fingers.

“I couldn’t tell her the truth. Dad’s … god, Y/N. Dad’s lost it. He’s rounded up all the Avengers he could find and arrested them. They had to drag Steve out of here. Natasha was literally kicking and screaming until they tased her. And then the press conference …”

Betty sighed, staring at the white bandages covering your head.

“Dad has forbidden anyone to even mention the Avengers anymore. The car accident scenario was his idea. I mean, it’s plausible. Your injuries could have happened from a car crash.”

Betty sighed, shaking her head.

“And if anybody can fix you, it’s Dr. Strange. He’s the best.”

Betty gave a soft laugh.

“I know, I know. What the hell kind of name is that for a doctor, right? It’s like one being named Dr. Hurt or Dr. Pain.”

Betty sighed as she gently cupped your cheek in her hand.

“As soon as Dr. Palmer comes back, we’ll get some answers. And hey, if Strange does agree to the surgery? He works out of Metro General in New York. I doubt he’d be bothered to fly here. He’s got a bit of a reputation, but that happens when you’re the best. And you love New York City.”

Tears came back to Betty’s eyes and she hung her head. She sniffed and lifted her head as Christine walked back into the room. She glanced at the monitors beside your bed, studying the steady beeps that had driven Betty crazy at first, but that she had now grown accustomed to. Christine nodded, then met Betty’s eyes.

“I went over your sister's case and he’s agreed to do the surgery.”

Betty closed her eyes, and Christine went on.

“We’ll have to set up transport to get your sister to Metro Gen, but as long as her numbers stay this good, we could have her there tomorrow.”

Betty’s eyes widened, but she nodded.

“Great. That … that’s great.”

Christine gave her a nod.

“I’ll start getting everything set up.” “Dr. Palmer?”

Christine turned back and Betty gave her a smile, tears gathering in her eyes again.

“Thank you.”

Christine nodded again, then left the room. Betty smiled as she leaned over, fingers gently touching your cheek again.

“Did you hear that? New York, New York, here we come.”

Betty’s smile slowly slid from her face as the tears came more forcefully, and she leaned over, gently kissing your bandaged forehead through the mask on her face. Then, she laid her head on your bed as she cried.

Two days later in New York, Betty paced another waiting room as Dr. Strange worked his magic on you. She prayed with every step she took, glancing up at every person who walked by, hoping one would be her father.

But he didn’t show.

His secretary had finally answered one of her calls a few days ago, just to tell her that he was being kept up-to-date with Y/N’s condition. He simply could not take the time to be there, because all they would do was wait, and he was very busy.

Busy prosecuting the Avengers.

Betty sighed, crossing her arms over her chest as she stared out the window, wondering what was happening in both your surgery and with the trials.

Thaddeus had used all of his pull as Secretary of State to put the Avengers on trial now, instead of dealing with the usual delay in court proceedings. Wanda Maximoff and Sam Wilson had been prosecuted first, and were both found guilty. Betty had watched in shock as Wanda and Sam were completely railroaded, not even able to even speak a word to try and defend themselves, the guilty verdicts handed down as soon as possible.

Betty had a sick feeling that these “trials” were nothing but a laughable formality, nothing but a media circus, since everyone was already guilty and deserving of punishment in Thaddeus’ eyes.

The trials had stopped being televised when, after an almost clueless Scott Lang had been declared guilty, Clint Barton started yelling words Betty had never even heard before, causing the censors to go berserk and the trials to be taken off the air.

News outlets were still reporting, and Betty pulled her vibrating phone from her pocket to see a notification from a news app that a decision had been made to try the rest of the Avengers as a group, and they had overwhelmingly been declared guilty. Except for Tony Stark, who had apparently gone into hiding.

Betty blew out another breath, propping her elbow on the windowsill and resting her head on her hand.

“Miss Ross?”

Betty lifted her head to see Christine Palmer before her in dark blue scrubs, a tall man standing next to her. Betty walked to them and Christine introduced them.

“Betty Ross, this is Dr. Stephen Strange.”

Betty nodded, holding out a hand for Dr. Strange to shake. She pressed her lips together, and he began to speak.

“Miss Ross, your sister’s case is a remarkable one.”

Betty blinked and he continued.

“The injuries she sustained … I’m going to be honest with you. She should be dead right now.”

Christine closed her eyes, blowing out a breath. Betty lifted a hand to her throat and he nodded.

“I know it’s hard to think that way, but … she’s a fighter. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anyone with a spirit like hers. I believe the surgery was a success, but we won’t know for sure until she wakes up and can tell us herself.”

Betty couldn’t stop the smile, and she nodded as tears filled her eyes.

“When … when can I see her?”

Christine spoke softly.

“She’s in recovery now, and she’ll be in the intensive care unit for at least a week.”

Betty nodded, and Christine laid a hand on her arm.

“I’ll send a nurse to come and get you as soon as Y/N is ready.”

Betty nodded again, sniffling before she spoke.

“Thank you. Dr. Strange, thank you for everything.”

He nodded, shaking her hand again before turning and walking back down the hall. Christine shook her head and Betty gave a soft laugh.

“She’s going to be okay.” “I’m sorry for him. He’s …” “A man. I’m used to it.”

Christine gave a soft laugh, and Betty nodded.

“Thank you so much, Dr. Palmer.”

Christine smiled, patting Betty’s shoulder before she walked away. Betty closed her eyes, letting her head fall back as she sighed, relief flowing through her veins.

“I don’t understand.”

Christine shook her head.

“Honestly … neither do I.”

Betty swallowed, staring down at the bed, at your unmoving form. Christine stepped to the monitors, looking from the screen to the chart in her hands.

“These numbers are good. There’s no clinical reason as to why she hasn’t woken up yet.”

Betty pressed her lips together, shaking her head.

“You said this procedure would work.” “I said it could work. As Dr. Strange and I both went over with you, this was an experimental procedure.”

Betty shook her head again, looking to the doctor.

“So … so now what? We just … we just sit and wait?” “Your sister’s injuries were … catastrophic. Maybe her body just needs some time to heal. It’s not unusual for individuals with traumatic brain injuries to need more time and rest than others.”

Betty swallowed.

“This is a traumatic brain injury?”

Christine sighed, but nodded.

“As soon as Dr. Strange visualized her brain, he made the call.”

Betty closed her eyes.

“What is she going to be like when she wakes up? Will she … will she be able to talk? Will she know who I am?”

Christine slowly shook her head, sorrow and pity in her eyes.

“I don’t know. We won’t know how extensive the damage was until she wakes up.”

Betty ran a hand over her face, then sighed.

“Then I guess we’ll wait.”

“You know, I’ve always wondered what a blackout would look like across New York. All those lights in all those buildings. ‘Hello, darkness, my old friend.’”

Betty gave a soft laugh as she lifted a hand to touch the window. Pulling the cardigan she’d borrowed from you long ago and never returned closer around her, she glanced over her shoulder to smile at you.

“Hey, do you remember the time the network did a blackout crossover? It was like a whole night of it on a couple different shows. The blackout started on … god, what show was it? Mad About You, maybe? And then it carried over into Friends.”

She turned from the window, crossing her arms over her chest.

“You loved it. You’ve always loved corny gimmicks like that. You laughed so much.”

The smile slid from her face as she walked to your bed, gripping the railing and leaning over until she was almost in your face.

“I want to hear you laugh again. Wake up. Y/N Ross, do you hear me? Wake up right now. This is has gone on long enough. We’ve been here a month. How much sleep do you need?”

Betty waited for you to respond, and when you remained still, your only movement the steady rise and fall of your chest, Betty let go of the rail, sitting down in the chair beside your bed and putting her head in her hands.

Betty sat in the chair, holding one of your hands in hers. The risk of infection was significantly lower now, so she wasn’t as decked out in hospital attire as she had been. She still wore the gown and the hair cover and the gloves, but not the mask anymore.

“Dad’s pitching a fit to get you back to D.C. I’ve tried to tell him you need to stay where your doctor is, but it’s not like we ever see Strange. Palmer’s been here every day, though.”

Betty sighed.

“She’d probably be relieved to get rid of us.”

Betty gently caressed your hand as she spoke.

“The orthopedic surgeon came by this morning, said you’re healing nicely. No surgeries needed for your pelvis or spine. You’ve still got the reflexes you’re supposed to have, or … something like that. I didn’t really pay much attention.”

Betty looked up to your face, shaking her head.

“Honey, it’s been almost four months since the accident. Why aren’t you waking up? What are you waiting for?”

Betty stopped, blinking hard.

Steve.

He had to be what you were waiting for.

The only problem is, thanks to your father, Steve and the rest of the Avengers were imprisoned somewhere unknown to the public, and since Thaddeus refused to talk about the Avengers around you, Betty had no idea where they were either. The most horrifying thing to Betty was the way Thaddeus was somehow slowly—successfully— erasing the Avengers from history. All their good deeds had been swept under the rug, and any mention of the Avengers were cast in a negative light, and Thaddeus used every chance he could to bring up the immense devastation they’d caused.

Once the trials had ended, Stark Industries almost went under, until Pepper Potts, the new CEO, announced a humanitarian partnership with the people of Sokovia to help rebuild. When King T’Chaka of Wakanda gave her his support, Stark Industries’ stocks slowly crept back up.

Betty looked to your face, speaking softly.

“I don’t know where he is, honey. I’ve tried to find him. I’ve tried to get him here. I thought Dad was going to throw me in jail when I asked him to let Steve come and see you.”

Betty swallowed.

“Y/N, you’re the only one who can set this right. Dad’s on the warpath because you’re his baby, but if you just wake up and talk to him …”

You didn’t make any sort of movement, nothing but the steady rise and fall of your chest as you breathed. Betty closed her eyes, lifting your hand to press it against her forehead.

“I hope the ride wasn’t too bad. I know they had to keep the pace of a turtle because of the snow.”

Betty shook her head as she fussed with the pillows on your bed.

“I know, it’s too early in the year for snow, but tell that to the meteorologists. Oh wait, they don’t make the weather, do they? They just predict it.”

Betty blew out a breath and shook her head. She pulled a chair closer to the bed and pulled the blankets back, revealing one of your legs. She started gently massaging your muscles as she spoke.

“I know you’re probably wondering why we brought you back here. Dr. Strange had a terrible accident. They weren’t sure if he was going to make it, but he did. He just … if what I heard was true, he’ll never be able to do surgery again.”

Betty shook her head, moving her hands to your calf.

“Dr. Palmer came and spoke to me a few days ago, filled me in as best she could. Company line, and all that. She said there was nothing more they could do and released you from their care, signed off to let me bring you home. Dad’s pleased about that, I know. Not that he’d come around to tell you.”

Betty rolled her eyes.

“I’m so … I’m angry with him. He hasn’t been to see you not once. I’m the one who’s always here. I’m the one who’s taking care of you, trying to make sure all of your damn muscles don’t atrophy.”

Betty hung her head, laying your leg back down before putting her face in her hands.

“I’m sorry. Honey, I am so, so sorry.”

She leaned over you, taking one of your hands in hers.

“I’m not mad at you. None of this is your fault. I’m just sick to death of Dad acting like he’s our hero when he hasn’t even stepped foot into the hospital. Gives some bullshit excuse about how he can’t bear to see you like this. And he thinks I can? That I enjoy this?”

She shook her head, then sighed. She looked back to you and pitched her voice lower.

“He doesn’t know about what we did. When you made me your power of attorney and vice versa. He thinks he’s making all these decisions, but he’s not. It’s me. They come to me and I’m the one who takes care of you, and when you wake up, I’m going to be sure you know that.”

Betty blew out a breath, sitting back in her chair and tucking her hair behind her ears. After a moment, she stood up, dragging her chair across the room to the other side of your bed, picking up your other leg and starting to massage it.

“Oh, and you’re not sick enough to be put back into the ICU. That’s a good thing, but now we have to break in some new nurses.”

She laughed, moving her hands up your calf.

“Anastasia still comes by to visit, though. But I think the new nurses’ name is Grace. She’s really nice. And you’ve got a cute night nurse. A male nurse, and I have to say, I’m a little jealous when he starts massaging on you. Have you noticed how I come around more at night now?”

Betty wiggled her eyebrows, glancing up, the smile slipping from her face when she saw your eyes closed, no movements except your chest as your breathed. Betty blinked, shaking her head, focusing on massaging your leg.

“What do you think, Grace? Cajun Shrimp or I’m Not Really A Waitress?” “If we’re going solely based on names, I’m Not Really A Waitress is amazing.”

Betty laughed, picking up the bottle of nail polish remover. She wet a cotton ball with it, then rubbed it over your fingernail, removing the dark purple polish she’d painted nearly two weeks ago.

“OPI is my favorite because they come up with the best names.”

Grace made a few notes on the chart she carried in her hands, then licked her lips.

“Miss Ross?” “Yeah.”

Betty dipped the brush back into the polish, carefully painting one of your fingernails in the deep red polish. In the silence, she glanced up at the nurse, then sat back in her chair.

“What is it?”

Grace sighed.

“A social worker is going to come by later to talk to you about long-term care.”

Betty blinked.

“What do you … I mean, are we there yet?” “It’s been seven months since the accident. There’s really nothing more we can do for her here in the hospital.” “So … what? They want to put her …”

Betty shook her head and Grace sighed.

“There are some excellent long-term care facilities in the tri-State area.”

Betty closed her eyes.

“Nursing homes.”

Grace glanced away and Betty shook her head.

“I can’t do that.” “Miss Ross—“ “I can’t do that to my baby sister who is only in her late twenties. I’m sorry.”

Betty lifted her head.

“No, you know what? I’m not sorry. She’s not going anywhere. And whoever it is that’s coming to talk to me about it? You better tell them to steer clear of me. It’s not happening.”

Grace opened her mouth, closing it again when Betty picked the polish up again and went back to painting your nails.

“Happy Halloween, pumpkin head.”

Betty shifted the plastic pumpkin on the table, turning the painted jack-o-lantern towards your bed. She took the witches’ hat off her head, setting it beside the pumpkin. She walked to you and smiled as she bent down to study your face.

“They came in and got you, huh? The eyeliner looks like it ends in spiderwebs at the corners of your eyes.”

She pursed her lips and smiled.

“I may have to copy that myself for the ball tonight.”

Betty blew out a breath, shaking her head as she took her seat in the chair beside your bed. She took your hand, smiling at the orange polish on your nails, the smiling triangles making a jack-o-lantern on your middle finger.

“Dad’s making me go to this shindig tonight. Some fundraiser for some … thing I don’t know or care much about. He wants me to go and charm everyone, but how am I supposed to do that when I feel the exact opposite of charming?”

She shook her head, rubbing your palm with her thumbs, moving her hand to grip and massage your wrist.

“I just want to stay here with you. I don’t want to be around Dad or people or anybody but …”

She swallowed, glancing over her shoulder before leaning closer to you and whispering softly.

“I spoke with Bruce. I’ve been trying to call him ever since the debacle with the trials. They’re searching for him, but not too intensely. He already knew about everything and he’s trying to keep a low profile, but God knows how that’ll work when the Other Guy’s always threatening.”

Betty shook her head.

“He was talking about Siberia, or a remote village in the Andes that he’d found. Said he didn’t know when he’d be able to talk to me again.”

Betty shook her head again, pushing a hand through her hair.

“Honestly, the less I know is probably better.”

She blinked back tears and gave a shaky sigh.

“Why is this so hard? Why can’t Dad just chill the fuck out? Why can’t you wake up?”

You didn’t respond, and she shook her head, laying your hand back on the bed and sitting back in her chair.

“Ugh, these green beans taste like shit.”

Betty shook her head, spitting the bite she’d just taken into a napkin and tossing it into the trashcan. She nodded towards you and picked her fork back up.

“The turkey’s good. A little dry, but … that just means someone didn’t babysit it like they should have. Remember when you did that a couple years ago? You got up … what was it? Every two hours to baste that bird?”

Betty shook her head again, a smile on her face.

“It was so good, though. You and I were pigs that day. Especially when Dad bailed on us at the last minute. I thought you were going to throw it all away and cry and we could get drunk, but you didn’t. You and I ate more than our fair shares, then you packed the leftovers up and we took them to the homeless shelter down from your store.”

Betty glanced down, that soft smile still on her face.

“You kept a plate behind, that I assumed was for Dad, even though he didn’t deserve it. But … it was for Steve, wasn’t it?”

She looked at your face, the bruises finally faded, not even a single scar visible on your face or hands, your long lashes almost brushing your cheekbone. She smiled, reaching over to grip your hand.

“Happy Thanksgiving, little sister. I miss you.”

“What do you think? Maybe a little to the left?”

Betty walked to stand beside your bed, tilting her head to the side before nodding.

“Little to the left.”

She walked back over and moved the tree slightly, walking to stand beside your bed again.

“Better.”

She walked to the box she’d brought, which was full of red and silver and gold decorations. She shook her head and moved from the box, picking up her phone and tapping until music began softly coming through the speaker. She laid the phone on your torso, humming along as she pulled a long piece of garland from the box.

“I wanted to bring in a real, live ten-footer, but I thought Grace might freak. Plus, it would have to be like bent in half to fit in here.”

Betty checked her watch and smiled, setting the garland down and grabbing the remote control for the television. She turned it on, flipping through channels before stopping on one.

“Look, honey. It’s Charlie Brown. That’s your favorite.”

Betty sat in the chair beside your bed, smiling as the Peanuts gang was ice skating, singing that Christmastime is here. Tears came to her eyes and she sniffled, reaching over to take your hand.

“I need you to wake up, because I will stand up and dance all by myself to the music. Think I won’t?”

Betty turned in her chair, tears slipping down her face as she held tightly to your hand. She reached over and brushed your hair back.

“I don’t know what to do, honey. They keep pushing to move you to another facility and I keep pushing back. But I … I don’t know. Maybe we should move you.”

She shook her head.

“Dad won’t take my calls. I talk to his damn secretary more than I talk to him. It’s almost Christmas and he’s in Istanbul or something. Whatever. I really don’t want to be around him anyway.”

She sighed, looking back to your face.

“This would be so much easier if you’d just wake up.”

You didn’t make any movements, save for the steady rise and fall of your chest. Betty pushed a hand through her hair, sniffing before she wiped that hand over her face. She forced a smile, lifting your hand to her cheek.

“Merry Christmas, baby sis. I miss you.”

“Welp, I did it.”

Betty walked into the room, setting her purse on the table. She shrugged her coat off, brushing the snow from her hair, draping the coat over the chair.

“Did what, you may ask? I’m so glad you did.”

Betty giggled as she dragged the chair closer to your bed, taking your hand.

“You’re so warm. It’s frigid outside.”

She sniffed, then smiled.

“Anyway, back to me. Dad sent me a fucking invitation to the governor’s ball for tonight. New Year’s Eve, you know? I had to RSVP, and I did. Told them no.”

She shrugged her shoulders.

“I wanted to tell them how their precious Secretary of State who milks the ‘grieving father’ routine every chance he gets has been by to see you all of one time in the year you’ve been here.”

Betty shook her head and sighed.

“I sent an email back that I ‘respectfully decline’ the invitation. Guess Dad will find out when he goes tonight.”

Betty smiled.

“I asked Frank to bend the rules a little bit tonight and he agreed. I’m sticking around ‘til next year with you.”

Betty let out a laugh, the smile slipping from her face.

“And I … I talked with Grace and Anastasia and a few of the other nurses. Couple of the doctors who do rounds on you. We think … we think it’s best if we move you to a long-term care facility.”

She gave a ragged sigh, shaking her head.

“It’s not a nursing home. It’s not. I’ve been searching and I think I found a good one for you.”

Tears came to her eyes and she shook her head.

“They say it’s unlikely that you’ll ever wake up. I mean, miracles happen, but … I’m sure there are sick people who could use this bed. So on January second, we’ll be moving.”

Betty made herself smile, blinking as she sighed. She lifted her other hand to rub at her eyes, using it to cover her mouth as she stared at you.

“Okay, honey bun. Five minutes to midnight. Wait, isn’t that a song?”

Betty shook her head, putting a hat on her head and sticking a noisemaker in her mouth. She gently placed a hat on the top of your head, smiling as she ran her hands through your silky-smooth hair.

“Okay. Get ready, because I want the nurses running in and telling us to shut up.”

Betty giggled, turning her attention back to the television, watching the celebration in Times Square.

“Rest in peace, Dick Clark.”

She rolled the noisemaker to the other side of her mouth and shot a smile back your way.

“Two minutes!”

Betty blinked, eyebrows furrowing when she noticed your arm resting across your torso. She shook her head.

“Wasn’t your arm just by your side?”

You, of course, didn’t answer her, and Betty sighed, rubbing a hand over her eyes.

“I’m getting too old for this, I’m afraid.”

She yawned, then laughed softly, eyes widening when the countdown began on the television.

“Here we go! Ten, nine, eight, seven—“

Betty yawned again, laughing as she shook her head.

“Three, two, one! Happy New Year!”

Betty blew her noisemaker, holding it between her teeth as she looked back at the bed. She gasped as the noisemaker fell out of her mouth, eyes wide.

“Y/N?”

Betty’s entire body trembled as she laid her hands on your bed, leaning down. You blinked slowly, and tears filled her eyes.

“Oh my god.”

Your eyes locked onto hers and your lips slowly curved into a smile. Betty shook her head, tears slipping down her cheeks.

“You … Y/N. Oh my god. You’re awake.” “Hap … happy new year, Betty.”

Betty gave a sob at your hoarse voice. You hadn’t used it in a year, so it was really no surprise at the low, hoarse tone. Betty shook her head, smiling through the tears.

“Oh, sweetheart. Hi.” “Hi.”

Betty laughed, reaching to grab your hand. You gave her hand a weak squeeze and she shook her head again. You gave a long exhale, closing your eyes. After a few seconds, you opened your eyes again, shaking your head.

“What happened?” “Do you know where you are?” “It … looks like ... a hospital.”

Betty nodded.

“Let me call the nurse.” “Betty.”

She looked over and met your eyes, and she gave a shaky laugh as tears slid down her cheeks. She gave your hand a squeeze and nodded, smiling when she met your eyes again.

“I’m so glad to see you.”

Frank stepped back, dropping the penlight into his pocket, shaking his head.

“It’s remarkable.”

You blinked, looking over to your sister. Betty stood with one arm on her torso, the thumb on her other hand running across her plump lips. You looked back to Frank, who bent to where you and he were face-to-face. He smiled at you and you smiled in return. His voice was soft and gentle when he spoke.

“Can you tell me your name?” “Y/N Ross.” “What year is it?”

You shook your head.

“I don’t … I’m not sure. It’s New Year’s today, right?”

Frank nodded.

“Where do you live?” “Washington, D.C. Is that where we are?”

Frank nodded.

“Who is this?”

He pointed across the room and you smiled.

“That’s my big sister. Betty Ross. Elizabeth, if we’re being technical.”

Betty gave a watery laugh, putting her face in her hands. Frank nodded as he stood up, walking over to pat Betty on the shoulder.

“I’m going to go wake up her docs and let them know she’s awake and lucid.” “This is …” “Nothing short of a miracle, Miss Ross. Both Miss Rosses. Excuse me.”

Betty nodded, and Frank left the room. Betty looked back to you and you smiled.

“He’s cute.”

Betty laughed.

“Yeah, we’ve had coffee once or twice.”

You raised an eyebrow.

“Go, big sister.”

Betty shook her head, walking to sit beside your bed. You moved your hand and she took it, holding it tightly. You took in a breath, letting it out slowly.

“What happened to me?”

Betty swallowed, shaking her head.

“You don’t remember?”

You shook your head.

“No.” “What’s the last thing you do remember?” “Elizabeth, is it true? She—“

You and Betty looked to the door, seeing your father come to a hard stop in the doorway. His eyes were wide as he stared at you, and your lips curved into a smile.

“Hey there, General.”

Thaddeus blinked, staggering forward and gripping the end of your bed.

“Y/N?”

You nodded.

“Hey, Dad.”

He closed his eyes, moving to the opposite side of the bed from Betty, sitting on the edge. He reached out a shaky hand and took hold of yours, blinking furiously.

“When … when did you wake up?” “When the clock struck midnight. It’s poetic, really.”

You gave a soft laugh at Betty’s words, giving her hand a squeeze. Thaddeus shook his head.

“And you’re okay?”

You slowly nodded.

“What year is it?”

You rolled your eyes, looking to Betty, and she smiled.

“Dad, she just woke up. And on New Year’s, at that. She’s still trying to gain her bearings.” “Well, who’s the president, then?” “Your boss.”

Thaddeus nodded at your answer, and you gave a sigh.

“Now, can someone please explain to me what happened as to why I’m in here and why people keep asking me weird questions?”

Betty swallowed as Thaddeus turned to face you.

“You don’t remember?”

You shook your head.

“No, I … my head’s starting to hurt.”

Thaddeus nodded, moving to cover your hand with his.

“You were in an accident, honey.” “An accident?”

He nodded.

“It was … terrible. Horrific. You had massive internal injuries, head trauma. You’ve been in a coma for a year now.”

Your eyes widened, blinking a few times before you shook your head.

“A year?”

Thaddeus nodded, and Betty did the same when you looked to her. You leaned back against the pillows, staring up at the ceiling.

“What … what does that mean?” “What, honey?”

You looked to Betty.

“My … I’ve been out for a year?”

Betty nodded.

“What does that mean for school?”

Betty tilted her head to the side.

“What school?” “College. I’m … am I still going to graduate on time? If I lost a year, then … that’s two semesters, right?”

Betty sat up straighter, sharing a look of concern with your dad. You looked from one to the other, shaking your head.

“What?”

Betty blinked, scooting to the edge of her chair.

“Honey, what year is it?” “Betty, you said it earlier. It’s New Year’s. And if I’ve apparently been out for a year, then …”

Betty looked at your dad and you shook your head.

“2007? 2008?”

Betty’s mouth dropped open and Thaddeus ran a hand down his face. You looked from one of them to the other, shaking your head again.

“What? What is it? What’s wrong?”

Betty licked her lips, speaking softly.

“How old are you, sweetie?”

You narrowed your eyes, and she smiled.

“Just humor me, honey.” “I’m twenty-one. Well… twenty-two now? Or …”

You swallowed, shaking your head and Betty gently patted your hand.

“Easy, sweetheart. Just take it easy.” “What’s going on?”

Thaddeus stood up, rubbing a hand over his mouth.

“Dad?”

He swallowed, then looked to you and gave you a soft smile.

“You, uh … sweetheart.” “What?” “It’s 2016.”

You blinked, looking over to Betty, who gave you a gentle smile. You shook your head.

“No, it … no.”

Betty pulled out her phone, your eyes widening when you saw it, blinking until she pulled up her calendar app and showed you the date. You shook your head again, looking from Betty to your father.

“Eight years? I don’t … I can’t remember the last eight years?”

There was a knock at the door, and Betty’s eyes widened when she saw Christine Palmer.

“Well hello, Miss Ross. It’s nice to see you awake.”

Betty stepped up and whispered to Christine, who nodded, then smiled at Betty and your father.

“If you’ll just excuse us for a minute, I’ve got some tests to run.”

They nodded, stepping out into the hall, leaving you in Christine’s capable hands.

In a room down the hall, Betty shook her head, fingers touching her lips. Thaddeus stood with his back against the wall, watching Betty as she paced back and forth.

“Elizabeth, will you calm down?”

Betty gave a harsh laugh.

“‘Calm down?’ You want me to calm down? Dad, she’s missing eight whole years of her life. Details that I can’t exactly fill her in on.” “You won’t be ‘filling her in’ on anything.”

Betty went still, glancing over her shoulder.

“What?”

Thaddeus shrugged.

“Don’t you see? This is … a miracle.” “Dad.” “She doesn’t remember Rogers or any of the rest of them. What she remembers is even before Stark became such a pain in my ass. We can keep it that way and protect her from any—“ “Protect her?”

Betty shook her head, stepping closer to him.

“I know you hate him, Dad, but she loves him.” “No, she doesn’t know him.” “And you think that won’t change? You think she won’t eventually remember him?” “There’s no guarantee she will.” “There’s no guarantee she won’t! Dad, she will never forgive us if we keep him from her.”

Thaddeus turned his head to meet Betty’s eyes, a cold, calculating stare in his eyes.

“Elizabeth, let me make myself perfectly clear. If you ever breathe one word of Rogers or any of those … degenerates to Y/N, I will personally make sure you never see her again.”

Betty’s eyes widened.

“Dad.” “I don’t want to do it, Betty. I know how much she loves you. I don’t want to have to separate the two of you.”

Betty’s eyes filled with tears as Thaddeus stepped closer.

“But make no mistake. I will do whatever it takes to keep my daughter safe.”

He turned to leave the room and Betty spoke, her voice barely a whisper.

“I’m your daughter, too.”

Thaddeus nodded, turning back to look at her.

“Don’t ever forget that.”

He walked out of the room and Betty held out an arm, grabbing onto the armrest as she sank into a chair. She covered her mouth with a hand, shaking her head and closing her eyes as the tears fell.

TAGS: @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan, @captain-rogers-beard, @bionic-buckyb, @deaniebeanie666, @shynara51, @wolfarrowepz, @captain-s-rogers, @m-a-t-91, @lovemesomepietro, @dudahmoraesevans, @the-obsessive-fangirl, @winchesterenthusiast, @katecupcakekate, @iamwarrenspeace, @until-theend-oftheline, @evansrogerskitten, @thatgirl-xx-thatgirl, @thisismysecrethappyplace, @jjsoccer11, @theotherplath, @unapologeticallymimi, @the-obsessive-fangirl, @beardburnsupersoldiers, @geek-and-proud, @shynara51, @moonlessnight14, @xhoneybearsx, @achishisha, @castellandiangelo, @stressedandbandobessed7771, @get-loki, @theladybiers, @patzammit, @maddie-laufeyson, @queenoftrash97, @xxashy999xx, @oliviaadamswrites, @theunofficialduke, @mizzzpink, @sergeantliz, @sea040561, @nerdy-bookworm-1998, @potteryourotter

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moldy-mold · 5 years

Text

Diary Post: My Thoughts and Processes on Making “Silent Strength” It’s lengthy, taking place over long period of time. Mainly written for my future-self to remember what I went through, but also for anyone who is curious. Now that the project is over, I can post without reservations. There are certain things I need to keep secret though, so if I’m vague I do so intentionally!

Basically, a lot of number-crunching, physical labor, and psychological labor.

It started off as kind of a joke tweet I made. I had enough content to make a Tales Of art book and people were receptive to it. So… I thought maybe I could go somewhere with this. A few weeks later, I suddenly had a lot of Kratos art. Like. 80% of all my Tales art was Kratos. It didn’t make sense to make a broad Tales Of book when really most of it was Kratos.

I hadn’t made a book since I was in college despite it being one of my favorite things to do. They were never art books, just some editorial design projects that totally didn’t count. This book… would be my first-ever art book.

Several times, I came close to having enough art to print a book - the last time was my large collection of Yusuke Kitagawa, but the quality wasn’t where I wanted. At that time, I was still experimenting with my iPad Pro and figuring out Procreate, so that was what I used him for.

NGL, I was pretty afraid of looking like a clown. After doing all this work, what if no one actually buys it? I was talking to some friends and they said they would buy it. It was enough for me. In the end, I’m creating something that I love. - The first thing I really wanted to work on was the cover. It needed to be epic but also mysterious (lol)… It was a good time to practice lighting and backgrounds. The cover had to be freaking Fantastic. I spent 3 days drawing nonstop. I was on vacation so I could spend full days just drawing. It was really intense. I would stop in the evenings to go for a run or else my legs would never get circulation again.

The hardest part was keeping it secret. I wanted to share it with the world right away bc I was so proud of it. Well, all I could do was show it to my parents and some close friends. They didn’t know who Kratos is, but it was obvious I was crazy about him.

Initially, I was doing some hand-lettering for the zine title instead of using a typeface. Tbh, I was so sure I was naming this zine “Blame Your Fate!” bc that is such an iconic line. But it just didn’t work with my cover, which looked… a little too serene for that. So… Silent Strength or Divine Strength? I asked around and got my answer.

But what size? All of my art has been on letter canvases. I wanted it to be large so you could see the details in the art. I’ll just start with that. - Luckily, I had all my Kratos-related art in one place. I started my InDesign file and threw everything in there just to see what it looked like. Man, I draw a lot of boxes… But I didn’t want them all next to each other. I also wanted to kinda organize it by the people Kratos hangs out with. There’s a Yuan section LOL… and a Lloyd section… and an Anna section. Idk, I tried to get some kind of order in there with a sprinkling of full spreads here and there to keep it fresh and interesting for the eyes.

I hadn’t worked with InDesign on such an intense level since college. I forgot all of the tips and tricks we learned in class. Spent some time reading on how to do things again… like adding page numbers. - I started drafting my pre-order form. It’s my first time making a google form like this. It’s kind of fun? I spent a long time on it, despite how simple it was. This was going to be my “Store” so it had to look and sound good. - My friend introduced me to charm-making. It seemed easy enough, and I wanted to give my zine more oomph. Besides, I’ve always wanted to make a charm.

I remember someone saying they’d buy a book of just the 4 Seraphim if it existed. I like them too and they lack art imo. In the end, I decided to do a polaroid charm. It’s not really that unique but I wanted Kratos to have actual friends to hang out with for once LOL.

She was going to do a group order to try to reduce the costs. I thought maybe 4 weeks would give me enough time. In the end she said I only have 2. I work well under pressure, so needless to say, I did make that deadline. I actually sketched the whole thing on the plane headed home. - After playing the game the second time, watching the OVA again, and reading “Offerings to a Star,” I have gained a real soft spot for Yuan. My friend once said, “If you weren’t stolen away by Kratos, you would be in love with Yuan.” Lol. I’ve been in a “Kratos and Yuan hanging out” mood lately, so of course I needed something good for the zine. They’re so cute together! Now… what is the bro-est thing I can draw?

I was currently in Florida for my friend’s wedding. I was friends with the groom and his best man since high school, so that makes it 10 years now. Seeing how they’re still friends after all this time, despite living in opposite sides of the country, was really moving to me. Of course, me being me, I could see Kratos and Yuan’s long friendship being similar to this, if they had gone to school together. I just had to draw it. - When I got back from vacation, I did some research on zine sizes. Mine was HUGE compared to others. I just didn’t quite realize it until I held a magazine in my hands. It really is huge…

I settled for a medium size. 7x9. I really liked how it looked. Petite but not too petite. Unfortunately resizing my book had messed up my artwork placement so I spent hours rearranging all the text and resizing my images. I found out afterwards that there’s a way to retain the format while changing the document size. Gee, that would have been helpful 4 hours ago.

Sadly, choosing a custom size booklet makes printing more expensive. But I wanted it badly enough that I’d be willing to pay for it. Letter size is just too large… - I decided to stop dragging my feet and post a promo. I just really needed a deadline for myself to get this all done before July ended. I’m happy it was well-received. A lot of people like Kratos huh…

Anyway, the pre-order is due in a week and I still don’t know what all the costs are yet. I need a physical proof ASAP to weigh at the post office! - Something possessed me one day to do another drawing. I don’t usually do painterly style (mainly because it’s really difficult and takes 10x longer) but I just REALLY wanted to push myself on this Final Piece to the zine. I wanted it to be… radiant. Almost religious. I worked on it obsessively. From breakfast to sundown. The only time I would stop was at 7pm to go running or else my legs would give out on me.

Call me crazy, but I would save my progress on my phone so I could examine it for errors during my warmup. I also spend an hour examining it for errors before going to bed. It’s a miracle I hadn’t dreamt of the painting. - I sent my files in on Sunday in hopes that they start working on it first thing on Monday…. and it HAPPENED! They finished before I even woke up. I think they start work at like 6am…

Of course, I drove over there as soon as I heard so I can get a look. “Please… please let the colors be okay,” I prayed as I was driving. I barely remember driving there, I was so lost in thought. It would be another long ordeal if I had to fix all the colors.

Thank the stars. The press proof looked BEAUTIFUL!! I was screaming to the client coordinator how much I loved it. I mean, I worried for a looooong time that everything would turn out too dark (it usually does) but it was PERFECT. I was especially worried about the cover, which contained a lot of yellow and I def did not want it to come out mustardy… But it was great in the end!

The press operator is a quiet man. He’s got a scary face and never smiles but I think he’s secretly nice. He has done a lot of favors for me in the past without my asking. He was the one to print, bind, and trim the book for me. Obviously he had to have seen what I was drawing. I wonder what he thought of it…? He walked away before I could express how happy and thankful was. He didn’t need to hear it. It was like he already knew. So cool…

I immediately took it to the post office to weigh it. I needed as much info as I could get and plus, I was dying to know for myself. This is the week I was supposed to open pre-orders and there was still a lot I needed to do. Take pictures, create mockups, pricing, etc.

NGL, all of these costs were building up fast. It was so darn expensive to make a zine while also keeping prices down. But I wanted so much more for my baby. Extra glossy cover, perfect binding!! I knew by the end of this, I probably wouldn’t make much money. It hurt a little, but I tried to think that it was for the greater good. Learning experience and all that. And creating something beautiful. Especially something beautiful of Kratos. - Pricing was really the hardest part. I pretty much threw profit out the window. However, I definitely did not want to be losing money. My dad and I had worked together to create a spreadsheet of expenses to make sure my head was above water. I followed it… loosely.

My friend came to talk to me at the right moment. I was sort of panicking at the prices. She made me realize I was thinking way too hard about it and gave me some tips based on her own experience. It really put my mind at ease talking to someone who understands my woes.

The truth of the matter is, the book is wonderfully made and has a lot of pages - countless hours of drawing. There is only so much I can do about pricing. It is what it is… I just needed to come to terms with my own worth. - Boy, what am I going to do once the zine is done? My friend says that I’ll be so over Kratos that I’ll stop drawing him (but the love remains). It’s like… all of the intense planning, working, struggling nonstop will just suddenly… stop. TBH, I’m running out of ideas. I spent it all on the zine. - Photoshoot today. I had to paint my nails purple for this occasion. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get the look I wanted in the apartment. It’s just so naked without props. I think I’ll take it to a cafe for some nicer backgrounds. I talked it over with my friend and decided to do a quick flip-through of the zine as a promotional video. I used the most professional video program I had on hand… Snapchat. It actually turned out pretty legit and of course I slapped stickers on there because it’s Snapchat.

I had to tape/hide some of the pages for the video because I wasn’t actually done with the drawings. I had the printers print it anyway so I could examine it for color accuracy.

I’m really stressed about pricing now. It turns out I had a lot more international fans than I anticipated. I wish I took notes on interest earlier in the game to cater to them. I had a list of “possible buyers” and I only just now decided to check where they live? Foolish.

I did another cost analysis on paper to figure out what my goal was to make up for the charms. Right now they’ve cost me a fortune for something that was supposed to be giveaway. Other things that rack up are packaging costs, PayPal fees, and some other supplies I needed for this project.

Maybe I shouldn’t have made it 40 pages. It is an impressive number, but no one is really paying for quantity. I think 25 is a better number lol. If I had done that, I could have had my super-gloss cover like I wanted. :’(

There is hope though. And I’ve placed it in the hands of my followers to come through for me. I think I’ll open pre-orders on Saturday or Sunday, depending on what I finish. - “Losing your cool will only lead to poor decisions.”  Thanks, Kratos twitter bot. You always know what to say.

I read this post today on what makes people buy zines. Very interesting!  https://twitter.com/andythelemon_/status/1141469048653398019 - Photoshoot part 2 today. My friend and I went to a cafe nearby that had some nice atmosphere in hopes of finding the right shots. I brought all of my Kratos merch just in case. I’m glad I did though, since the tables were pretty sparse and it was difficult to capture the backgrounds without getting a bunch of random people in it too.

I would have been the photographer, but I definitely wanted my hands in the shots. In a way, it was meaningful - to show that this was made by my own two hands. Plus, I wanted to depict natural interaction with the product. It made it feel real.

The photos were cute! I feared it would look a little amateurish with all the merch in there, but I think fun was what I was really going for, not “professional.” And plus the flip-through was a Snap anyway LOL. As long as the photos have good lighting and tasteful composition, you really can’t go wrong with “fun.”

Now that I’ve finished editing my photos, there really isn’t anything holding me back from opening pre-orders. I’ve pretty much come to terms with my pricing. If I fail to break even, I’ll just have to open commissions to try to make up for it. I was telling my friend on the way home, “I gave this zine EVERYTHING I had to give. So at the very least, I won’t be disappointed in myself.” No stone left unturned, no detail left unchecked. It was perfect according to my standards. I really love my zine okay?!

I thought I was crazy for not only choosing a small fandom, I narrowed it down even further by picking ONE GUY to make this zine about. She replied, “Even if it’s small, those people who love him now must be EXTREMELY LOYAL to still be in love with a character from a 15-year-old game. All of them will want your zine.” - I went to bed that night with the intention of making the pre-order post live in the morning. I was so nervous I couldn’t sleep. I was wide awake until at least 5 or 6 am. Luckily, I was able to doze off for a an hour or two before I would shake myself awake again. It was a mixture of anxiety and excitement. It was the moment of truth - to see if all my effort made a difference. Was it going to sell? - The pre-order post looked really freaking good. I’ll give it that. I even made a YT account just to post that darn preview video on tumblr lol. It was definitely fun seeing everyone’s excitement and we all just freaked out together.

I broke even! That’s what really matters. Honestly at this point, I couldn’t care less if I made profit or not. I now know how much people really like the zine and that alone made me so happy I could die.

I was particularly fascinated at Google Form’s ability to transfer all the data collected into a spreadsheet. That is extremely helpful. I spent hours organizing the data. It was really fun…?! Now I can tell who gets invoiced and who paid and separate them into categories. IT’S FANTASTIC!

Stayed up late researching how much adding tracking could be. I had a slight panic attack thinking “what if my books got lost in transit?” It would really hurt me to have to reprint books and ship them again. And then I realized I will need to fill out customs forms for all international orders. Yikes, I’m gonna be living at the post office lol. You can print them out at home if you fill out the form online but there are still some things I’m uncertain about. I may visit the post office later this week to ask all my questions. - This morning I sent out everyone’s invoices. I gave the international people the option to purchase tracking. It’s expensive… but I need to provide that option just in case.

I received a nice message from someone who offered to advertise for me on Instagram. Of course, I gave them the OK! I’m really so shocked they would do that… They said the liked the zine so much it deserved more exposure. My dude… I love you… T_T

I thought about advertising on insta myself earlier in the week. For some reason I felt it was going to be fruitless since I don’t have an art account on there with a following. So, I gave up on the idea. Hey it worked out in the end.

I’ve never been so organized in my entire life. I want this zine experience to be perfect. The people have placed their trust in me, so I cannot mess up. - Edited some pages in the zine. The typography must be perfect… It made me think back to undergrad days in graphic design school. Man, if only I can present this as a project - photos, videos, matching accessories and all. I’d probably get an A lol. - Orders slow down after the first day. The rest is just about getting new people to see the post and giving other people more time to decide.

I finished my Kratos stationery today. It’s going to be so cute. My friend said people would want to buy it but I don’t have it in me to do more products at this time. Plus, I want it to be a surprise.

Why make stationery? Well my real job (no, I don’t draw Kratos all day for a living) is a stationery designer! It would feel really wrong not to put into practice what etiquette I’ve learned in this business. Plus, I felt that it was necessary to properly thank all those who ordered. And it’s fun?

I started designing the shipping labels for the domestic orders since I don’t need to fill out a customs form for those. I wish I had sticker labels but… it’s okay. It will still look good in the end. - Every so often, I would get nervous at the amount of money I’m responsible for. Perhaps, if I had a store with existing products I wouldn’t feel this way, but the fact that the books haven’t been printed yet made me scared. I know, I need this money to even print the books in the first place, but I’m just baffled at my customers’ trust in almost a total stranger. I felt pressured that I could not let them down and lose that trust. It probably didn’t help that I watched a documentary on Elizabeth Holmes (Theranos) that day.

So, I prayed every single day that nothing would go wrong. I’d check my spreadsheet constantly for any mistakes. It was a little obsessive, but I would rather be that than overlook something.

I began collecting cardboard boxes. My plan was to cut them up to protect the books during transit. I would have preferred hard envelopes but they were a bit pricey. If I have to do more work myself, so be it.

I’ve been getting nice DMs from some buyers. I think my invoice due date scared them… I really did not intend to be strict, but I wanted people to pay now if they can rather than forget about it. This happens at work all the time, so the best thing to do is have it due immediately. It would not look good to have to wait on stragglers when I close pre-orders, so I’ll probably reach out when there is one week left. - My Kratos stationery arrived! Aww it is SO CUTE!!! My babies… I have a lot of notes to write so I got started right away. It’s going to be a lot of work trying to come up with creative ways to say “thank you,” but I don’t mind. I said I was going to put my all into the zine experience so I will.

At long last, the charm order has been put in motion. My friend said it could take a while… I hope it won’t be longer than 3 weeks. I really do not want to keep everyone waiting. I may ship out the ones who did not win a charm first. I mean, there is no reason to make those guys wait. I should ask the charm winners if they still want to wait and see if anyone wants to give it up for someone else who is more patient. Hm. - I finally stopped by the post office today to collect customs forms. I have my work cut out for me since I’m filling all of them in by hand. D:

I’m not used to international addresses so I think I’ll ask for help in checking them for spelling errors and typos. Heaven forbid I mess up on the very last part of the zine experience.

In my nervousness, I decided to reach out about invoices early on. If someone wanted to cancel, I would rather find out sooner rather than later. Everyone was really nice about paying and thank goodness they’re still excited.

Feeling kind of overwhelmed by all the things I need to do, but it’s a good thing. If I don’t know what to do, I can either: cut cardboard, write letters, type shipping labels, draw more Kratos for a… possible volume 2? Someone I talked to today already said they’ll pre-order a second book if I make one. Omg I think I’ll die. But we’ll see. It’s just a joke right now haha… - Preorders end today. I had another nightmare last night that the books could not be printed properly and there was nothing I could do. Why do I keep getting nightmares about the zine! I had one a few days before about people canceling their orders when I asked them about the invoices. I’ll take these dreams with a grain of salt. I’m probably just stressed/worried but everything is going to be okay. When I open my eyes, nothing is on fire.

I received my final proof a few days ago. With all of the artwork completed and changes applied. The book looks good, no doubt about it. There was only one thing I was nit-picky about but it can be fixed. The press operator offered to print another book for me to inspect. I’ll go see it on Monday and then submit the rest of the orders. I also asked to to have a meeting with the press operator so we are on the same page. It would be beneficial to have an understanding of how my book is made so that I may be more helpful to him.

I spent the day preparing shipping labels. I hate to admit, I am not too familiar with the format international addresses so I had an address validator open as I was typing them in. For the most part, everyone was helpful in already formatting their addresses in the preorder form! - My parents called me the day after preorders were closed. They wanted to say congratulations on my success. No one thought it would do this well. I couldn’t be offended by that since I was also guilty of it. I’m happy though. It feels like my love spread across the world and was contagious.

I tried to think of what advice I would give to others. Obviously, genuine love for the subject and hard work were a necessity. But it would be good to consider value. If I were selling it at this price, I had to make sure my pieces and presentation looked the part. I ask myself, if someone else sold it, would I buy it?

I sent out messages to all the charm winners in the morning. I wanted to apologize profusely at the ridiculous amount of time it has taken to get them made. But no, I’ve got to stop apologizing. I stated the facts and left it at that. Everyone was really kind and patient⁠—to which I was thankful for. I don’t usually get that when I’m working customer service. - All the books were done printing in one day. Wow! I went to pick it up immediately of course. I can’t believe all of this is coming to an end. I finished preparing the mailers. All that was left was to stuff and seal the domestic orders. They were the easiest to do so I’m going to ship those first. The rest will need customs forms, which I haven’t filled out just yet. It’s going to be a while for those…

The mailers were quite sturdy with the cardboard cutouts I slipped in them. I have nothing to worry about. I’m sure my babies will be okay! - I took a whole box of domestic orders to the post office today. Wasn’t sure what to expect. But my clerk had to input every single address one at a time while I checked for errors. Omg, why are the post office shipping labels SO HUGE. I thought it was going to be half the size. And they’re ruining my designer labels! Slight panic but oh well…

I had a long long line behind me. I’m so sorry, people. Luckily there were two clerks or I would be really sweating. Despite my intimidating box of zines, the clerk and I had Synergy and we managed to ship all of these in about 15 minutes. I received a very long receipt and quite the bill lol. - Shipped the international orders today. I was kind of a mess since I had no idea what to do. I keep wondering if I can help speed up the process in any way but I don’t think I have the option to ship first-class at home.

When shipping international, keep the post office copy of the customs forms together with the package since they use that to type the address info into the system. Also, we get free tracking, which I did not know about. The other clerk told me that we did not get tracking for international first-class but I guess he was misinformed. It’s good to know for next time. - The charms finally arrived!! And THEY’RE HOLOGRAPHIC?! It was pretty awesome, but it makes picture-taking kind of difficult!! Anyway, I was a tiny bit disgruntled that they got my order incorrect, and I even asked for a reprint. But they said no, so I left it at that. Besides, it seems the holographic effect was well-received.

I like this size that I made. It’s really cute! Larger than your normal charm but not too huge. It’s almost like an Instax photo! - There was one customer who I found lives near me! I asked her if she wanted me to hand-deliver it to her in a public setting and she agreed (to my amazement). We finally met a few days ago and talked for hours and hours lol! I’m glad to have finally made a new friend here in this town but of course she’s moving away in two weeks. <:’3

We’re going to meet again to make the most of her time left. - I shipped the rest of the orders on the following Monday. I HAD to get these out. The poor guys have been waiting over a month! I think I picked a bad time to go because I had a huge line behind me and only one guy working. People in line were getting antsy or mad. The clerk at the other post office was super fast but not this guy…

For some reason shipping to the UK and Japan nearly doubled in price since the last time I checked. RIP. T_T - Omg I finally made a mistake. I wrote a letter to the wrong person. And the contents of that letter are too personalized!!! I am dying of embarrassment!!!!! Screams!! Had to apologize to both customers too!!! Luckily they were good sports about it but I’m seriously kicking myself AAAAAAAA!!!! - The most rewarding part after sending all my babies away is seeing the commentary on my project. It is so so nice to receive positive feedback. People are happy! Happy with something I created out of thin air. Everything was worth it 1000 times over. I can die happy!

I’m especially thankful to those who show understanding for how much effort went into it. It definitely wasn’t easy and I poured way too many hours into it… not that I regret that.

I don’t want to jump the gun but I would really love to make a volume 2. Because I know I can do better than last time. New and improved art and comics! But we’ll see if I make enough pieces for another book. I was against printing 40 pages before but now I kind of like it. It feels more worth it than a 25-page zine. If i’m going though so much effort, might as well bring in the entire package.

I’ll be printing more of this volume for Aselia Con 2020. Now I know people will appreciate it.

#diary

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