#and my heart started pounding SOOOOOO HARD it felt like i was having a panic attack and i had to lay there doing paced breathing

[stellerssong]

agent kiran estevez astral dive suit. post tweet

[pixieposts]

Febuwhump Day 14

AO3

Today's prompt was technically “I didn’t mean it” but I didn’t have any solid ideas for it, so instead I went with Alt 9: Gunpoint.  I know this is after the gunshot part, but I had an idea, and I ran with it😅.  This also takes place inside a Modern!AU that I haven’t posted yet... Soooooo if you read it again act surprised I guess? 😂😂

TW’s:

Major Character Injury

Warning: Trent Ikithon  

Brief Description of Injury

Fjord looked up in surprise at the quiet knocking, almost uncertain if he had imagined it.  Most of his friends didn’t bother to knock... the only one he could think of was Caleb (despite having a key), but he had only left about an hour ago.  He stood as the knocking sounded again, setting down his tea and making his way to the door.  He smiled when he opened it and saw the familiar ginger man standing on the stoop.  

“Hey there Cay, I didn’t expect you back till morning, miss me that much?”  

He felt the teasing grin drop off his face when he realized just how pale Caleb looked... taking in his expression Fjord reached out to pull him inside.  Caleb winced, but followed him, leaning back against the door when it closed behind him.  Fjord felt the panic rising in his chest as he got a good look at Caleb in the light.  His breathing was rapid and shallow, his face sickly pale and pained.  He was clutching his hip under his coat and let out a gasp when Fjord jostled the fabric.  The scent of blood overwhelmed him for a moment, and he thought he might be sick.  

“Caleb what- what the fuck?”

“Trent, or one of his guys” Caleb forced another deep breath “shot-shot me, I would have gone home but-” He stopped, panting slightly as he held up his blood coated hand “I- I didn’t know what else to do”

“Fuck, no it’s- You need and ambulance Cay”

Fjord led him to the kitchen, trying to support as much of his weight as possible.  The moment Caleb was seated in the large kitchen chair Fjord whipped out his phone and dialed the emergency number.  

“What is your emergency?”

“Ambulance, we need an ambulance, my friend he- we need help, he's been shot and we need help”

Fjord could hear the panic in his voice now as Calebs eyelids drooped, the hand on his hip was going lax where it needed to be maintaining pressure.

“Address?”  

“Cay you need- yes sorry it’s 23 Spire Square- put pressure darlin’ please”  

The woman was talking again, but he barely registered it as he moved to grab a clean kitchen towel and pressed it up against the bullet wound.  Caleb’s eyes were completely closed now, and Fjord wasn’t sure if he was awake or had actually passed out.  

“Sir?  Sir I understand this is difficult, the ambulance is almost there, and I need you to unlock the door”  

“It’s unlocked, I never- I didn’t get around to re-locking it”  

The paramedics arrived and lifted Caleb from the chair onto a stretcher.  Fjord felt the bile rise in his stomach at the way Caleb’s head lolled, he was sweating, he was so pale.  The ambulance ride was a blur of tearing clothing and beeping machines.  One of the paramedics tried to ask him what had happened, but he had nothing to give them other than Trent’s name.  The wound was horrible, once the medics had it cleaned off Fjord could see that there was more than one awful hole in Caleb’s skin.  

He had to look away.  

He watched Caleb’s face instead, watching the way it twitched, taking some small comfort in the fact that it hadn’t stopped.  The fact that he was breathing.  

When they arrived at the hospital there was a team waiting, they took Caleb and one woman stopped him at a pair of swinging doors

“You can’t come past here dear, you need to wait in the waiting room”

“Please, please I have to- he needs me, I need to be with him”  

He knew he should be embarrassed by the way he pleaded, but at this point he couldn’t make himself care.  He needed to be with Caleb, he needed to make sure he was okay.  

“I’m sorry, really, but he’s in good hands with the doctors okay?  The best thing you can do for him now is wait here.  What’s your name honey, is there someone you can call?”  

Can I help? Is there someone I can call?  

His own voice rang through his head, all those months ago.  He nodded at the nurse, still staring over her shoulder as if he could see through the doors through sheer force of will.  

“I’m Fjord”

“What’s his name dear, he didn’t have ID”  

“Caleb, his names Caleb”  

“Okay” she led him to a hard plastic chair from which he could still see the doors “call someone, we’ll take care of him and send someone for you when he’s out of the surgery okay?”

He nodded and watched her walk quickly through the swinging doors, the panic had faded into an uncomfortable numbness.  Caleb was back there, he was back there with lead in his body, in pain, and Fjord couldn’t help.  

Finally, after what could have been a few minutes, or an hour, he picked up his phone and dialed.

“Fjord?  If this is you calling to say Caleb is sleeping over again-”

“Veth”

Something in his tone stopped her immediately, a worried hum was the only response.

“Caleb’s- Caleb was shot”

“He was what?  Where are you?  Is he okay?”  

Veth’s panic broke through the fog in his mind, and he shook his head before remembering that she couldn’t see him.

“He- well he was breathing when I-” he forced himself to take a breath “hospital, we’re at the hospital, the doctors took him, they wouldn’t... I couldn’t go in with him”  

“I’m on the way”  

The click of her hanging up the phone was too loud, but he nodded and slipped his own phone back into his pocket.  All he could do now was wait.  

Veth arrived quickly, so quickly that Fjord would realize later that she must have driven like a mad woman, but in the moment, he was just relieved to have someone else there.  They didn’t speak, she just sat next to him and joined him in staring at the doors.  At some point her small hand landed on his, and he was thankful for the contact, though he didn’t have the words to say it.  

Finally, what Fjord would later be told was about two hours after they had arrived, an elvish man in scrubs walked out the doors.  He paused for a moment before he found Fjord and Veth and walked over.  Fjord's heart was pounding again as he tried to read the mans expression, looking for something to indicate that all was well or... or not.  

“Fjord?”  

He stood, and the doctor held out his hand.  Fjord took it briefly as he nodded, Veth standing and introducing herself as well.  

“I’ll start by saying that Caleb is in recovery”  

Fjord felt the air go out of his lungs all at once as he dropped back into the seat, relief washing through him.  The doctor gave him a moment before continuing.

“The bullet entered his right hip and lodged in his left thigh; he was incredibly lucky that it missed both femoral arteries.  It was a narrow miss in the left leg... but a miss still.  We managed to get the bullet out, along with some bone shards from where it nicked his hip-bone.”  

Fjord nodded along, trying to get his breathing under control again.

“You can come back and see him, but he’s under some fairly heavy anesthetic so he’ll be out for a while”

Fjord stood immediately and squeezed when he felt Veth take his hand.  The doctor led them down a series of halls into a much quieter ward of the hospital.  It occurred to Fjord as they passed a darkened window just how late it was.  He needed to call Caduceus, there was no chance he would make his shift.  The doctor opened a door into what would only be considered a typical hospital room.  The lights had been lowered to a soft glow, and the blinds on the windows were drawn.  The nurse from earlier was blocking Fjords view of the bed as she fiddled with one of the machines before nodding to herself and turning around.  She offered him a soft smile, but the best he could manage in response was a grimace.  

“The chairs pull out, they’re not the most comfortable but it’s better than sleeping sitting up” she said softly, patting his arm as she left.  

“If you have any questions, myself or another doctor will be in to check on him in a few hours.  If he wakes before that the blue button behind the bed will call the nurse's station”

“Thank you, doctor,” Veth’s voice was gentle, and a little scratchy.  

“Get some rest”  

As if.  

Fjord pulled the chairs up to the side of the bed, feeling his chest ache at the sight that greeted him.  Caleb was sleeping, long lashes fanned across familiar freckled cheekbones.  He was still pale, but the sickly sheen was gone, and if Fjord hadn’t known any better, he would have thought nothing was wrong.  Someone had changed him into a hospital gown, and a voice in the back of Fjord’s head noted that they would need something to take him home in.  The blanket bulged slightly where Fjord assumed the gauze pad sat on his hip, and the bandaging was wrapped around his thigh.

It was a near miss

Gods.  If the bullet had hit his artery... Fjord shivered and sat down, sliding his hand under Caleb’s on the sheets to avoid messing with the IV sticking out of the top.  His poor hands, both attached to the clear medical tubes leading to the odd bags of... whatever they were.  Anti-biotics maybe?  Pain medication certainly.  He was never letting Caleb out of his sight again.  

No, that was crazy.  

But... if he had driven him home, if he had insisted on it instead of giving in to Calebs claim that it wasn’t worth wasting gas...  

At the very least, he wouldn’t be walking home for a while.  

Veth took his free hand, her eyes locked on Caleb’s face, and together they waited.  

[broadwaydork23]

Well, this has been a shitty year… so I guess that means it’s time for my annual RESOLUTION post!

What the fuck even WAS 2018?!?!

Because it felt like a dumpster fire of a year. While 2017 felt like a transition year, this past year felt like everything was just closing in on me from all directions and every once in a while I would get a bright spot, but then eventually I wound up back on the same monotonous path.

Don’t get me wrong, there were some major highlights – I started training with Peter, I got to go to my first Broadway opening night, I finished that fucking thesis, I graduated with a masters (that sounds so impressive, but like tbh it was just another very expensive year of school), I went to the Tony Awards with my best friend and cried my eyes out when I got to see Lindsay win IN PERSON, Iris FINALLY got married, I moved closer to NYC which made seeing shows a hell of a lot easier, I went on my first voluntary hike, I travelled to see friends in shows, I was in a show again, I read a HELL of a lot of books, and so much more. 

On the other hand, my anxiety manifested itself into depression and I spent weeks on end in the house with zero purpose of doing anything, I can’t even get myself to apply to a job anymore, I had to leave my job and my apartment and put all my stuff in storage, I’ve been unemployed for 6 months, I lost a very good friend (miss you, Ben <3 ), this is the loneliest I’ve ever felt in my life (and I don’t even mean just relationship-wise, but I barely get to see my friends anymore), and most days I don’t even leave the house unless I have a library book to pick up. But I want to put a period on this shitty year and start fresh. I honestly do. And I want to do that through small, manageable goals throughout the year. 

Soooooo….resolution time? 

-Okay, new first thing: GO TO A DAMN THERAPIST AND GET DIAGNOSED. My anxiety was there the last few years, but ever since I moved home, it’s turned into depression and it’s crippling. I can’t apply for jobs. I don’t leave the house unless there’s a reason. Panic attacks aren’t even the issue at this point since the day-to-day problems are making a bigger impact. I truly need to do something about this ASAP because I don’t know how I’ll get through life if don’t even have the oomph to get out of bed, let alone start a career. 

-Well, obviously #2 is the same thing that I’ve wanted every year for about half my life…a boyfriend. But not in the superficial way. I really just don’t want to be lonely anymore. I want to find a partner who can connect with me and wants something more than friendship for ONCE in my damn life. Someone to confide in and be close with. A true partner. WHY is that so hard for me? There has to be a better way to find someone than online dating. 

-The way to get a boyfriend? Oh yeah, that would be a friggin DATE. It feels totally pathetic to be 25 and never have gone on a date. Maybe moving out on my own will help with that? Maybe? A girl can dream…

-I was in Parade this year, but honestly, my heart wasn’t in it at all. I don’t know why I kind of floated through the show like it was nothing, but it was just a reason to leave the house each day. I made friends, but I didn’t get especially close to anyone…it was just so weird. If I do another show this year (which is a goal in and of itself, of course), I want to appreciate it. I want to love my art again. 

-With that, I want to create more art this year. A cabaret, perhaps? Be in a show? Workshop something with friends? Start a podcast? I want to do something new that keeps me fulfilled creatively while also helping me in my career.  

-Hopefully go back to AT again? I told myself I was waiting until I moved to NYC to go back, but I really do miss it… 

-Get back to training with Peter! I miss him and even though working out was hard, I was so glad to be doing something positive for myself. I want to get back to it and find a routine that works. 

-I lost a few pounds this year, woohoo! Let’s lose some more so can feel healthier and get back to dancing!  

-Keep that website updated and looking fab ;) 

-Find. A. Job. Find a job. FIND A FRIGGIN JOB.  

-Move out. I can’t stay here and I’m miserable not having my own space. I know people say there’s no shame in moving home, and there really shouldn’t be, but I need to get out of here. It’s only making my anxiety worse…

-I read over 50 books this year and I’m so proud! So now I want to change it up a bit: 5 books a month. That’s a little more than 1 a week (60 for the year) and I think it’s pretty manageable! 5 a month. I can do that! 

-Well I’m definitely not going to do 19 things from my bucket list (seeing as I only did 6 this year and 5 the year before), but let’s compromise and say 10 things. #manageyourexpectations 

-KNIT A SCARF. Just do it, Jackie.  

-Play one of my dream roles? Maybe? 

-Maybe start trying to learn piano again?  

-Travel! Go on a trip. Whether it’s a long road trip to DC or a plane to LA, I want to go somewhere outside of my usual NYC/NJ/Philly trips. 

-Be better about following up on emails. I know they are a big part of my anxiety, but I just can’t leave them for weeks at a time… 

-Keep the year’s motto: 2019: LOW STAKES, HIGH FUN! 

And last but not least….


-Finish at least 10 things on this list. There’s 20 on this list including this. I know I’ll never finish my whole list, but I did 10 last year and felt amazing because at least I accomplished something. Let’s keep that same feeling going, please! And if I do more than 10, I’ll be even more excited!