#and my heart started pounding SOOOOOO HARD it felt like i was having a panic attack and i had to lay there doing paced breathing

[stellerssong]

agent kiran estevez astral dive suit. post tweet

[shewritestheblues]

the Elevator Bae - 13

Chapter Thirteen

Erik Stevens x Black OC (Phoenix) 

A/N: This series is almost to its end. I will be ending with Chapter 15. Thank You so much to everyone who has read and shared this story. I adore all of you soooooo much :)

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How did two months go by so fast? Tour was coming to an end and It was bittersweet for Phoenix. She was able to finally see just how many people enjoyed her music and travel alongside one of her greatest friends but she missed Luna. She missed Erik? That’s been the confusing part. She didn’t really miss him but seeing how he’s been with Luna has warmed her heart. He’s been sending her videos and pictures daily. His bright smile seems to light up her world when she FaceTimes him to see Luna.

The closer she’s been getting to the last performing date, the more her anxiety has been surfacing. Since Erik’s been back, it was dropping Luna off because she had rehearsals and meetings and then tour. (A week during tour, Erik flew in to Detroit for Phoenix to have Luna while she visited family and he was on his way back to LA.) Their only interactions have been for Luna and they were good with that. She was good with that. There wasn’t any time for anything else. But soon, the tour will be over and she’ll be taking some time from work. Will things change? Have they already started to change?

Phoenix knew she was sure that this is what she wanted. For them to only focus on their daughter. All of these thoughts were swimming through her pool of a mind. Currently sitting in her hotel room, reading the comments under Erik’s latest IG upload weren’t helping. He just posted a picture of him and Luna while they were out. He had taken her shopping with him and snapped a picture of them in the dressing room mirror. It was the cutest picture. Luna looked unbothered while looking at the phone through the mirror. This kid had so many moods to be new here. Phoenix’s mom joked that Luna’s been here before.

Phoenix found herself smiling at the caption.

‘Luna ain’t having it with you hoes today.’

Erik’s captions were always… very Erik. And the comments full of women that Phoenix assumed were from Erik’s past or women who dreamed of being a part of his future.

‘She’s beautiful Erik.’

‘I still can’t believe Erik Stevens is somebody’s daddy.’

‘Lol, she’s so cute. Does she need a brother?’

‘Damn E. You make beautiful babies.’

‘Call me, E. 😘’

Phoenix wasn’t jealous. He was single. This was her decision. But sometimes, she hoped he would post something about her. Well, you know, because she is Luna’s mother of course. Maybe a shoutout?

No, no. She caught herself. She didn’t actually need that. Everyone following Erik knew who Luna’s mother was. Phoenix was fine. She. Was. Fine. These feelings? These thoughts? They will pass. So, she exited the app. It was time for rest and rest is definitely what Phoenix needed.

—————

Everything was… okay! Phoenix had worked herself up and things between her and Erik were good. They had the perfect schedule since she’s been back home. Erik would have Luna every other weekend. He’d come over to spend time with her during his ‘off days.’ They’d joke like old times. Even Ava had warmed back up to Erik. Of course things could never be what they used to be but this was a good start to making their situation feel somewhat normal.

“So tell me Phoenix, how has your transition back home been?” Dr. McKee wasted no time. She was eager to hear how Phoenix had been managing on her own.

Phoenix didn’t go back to therapy right away when she came back home. She figured she would take some time to test the waters and see if she would handle things with the methods she’s learned.

Releasing a deep breath, “Everything is good.” Phoenix finally says. “I’m happy.”

A genuine smile grew onto Dr. McKee’s face. “That’s amazing Phoenix. I’m honestly so proud of you.”

“Thanks. I’m proud of myself too.”

“So,” Dr. McKee paused, “What made you want to come in today?”

“I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m supposed to be using this time off to relax but I can’t. I feel like I should be doing something. Too much down time makes me think and when I think, I overthink. When I overthink, I get antsy. Then I feel anxious. Which only leads to a panic attack. I just don’t know what to do with this energy.” Phoenix stops herself to take a deep, calculated breath.

“What are you thinking about?”

“Did I make the right choice— No! I know that I did but…” Phoenix trails off.

“But what?”

“Luna loves him so much. The way she lights up when she sees him. She deserves to be that happy every day. I want her to feel what I feel. I’m happy.”

“Sounds like you’re trying to convince someone of that.”

The way Phoenix rolled her neck, she felt offended. How dare her own therapist insult her like this? Phoenix was happy! She didn’t have to convince anyone. She rolled her eyes at the idea. The nerve of this highly educated woman.

“I’m not trying to upset you Phoenix. I’m just trying to understand.”

“So are you saying I don’t make any sense right now?” Phoenix snapped back.

Cool, calm and collected, Dr. McKee blinks, “I’m not saying that at all. You make perfect sense. I just want you to share as much as you can so we can get to the root of what brought you here today.”

Phoenix closed her eyes and chewed on her lip. She internally chastised herself for being snappy. “It’s just,” she slowly began, “the way he looks at me with those puppy dog eyes. Even when he’s laughing, his eyes are saying something else. Like… he’s trying to slowly drown me. When he looks at me, his eyes linger like they’re trying to get me to catch on to something.”

Phoenix opens her eyes and focuses on the floor. “I’m not changing my mind. He’s always been a smooth operator but unfortunately for him, I know that. He doesn’t get to come around and make me feel guilty for choosing what’s right for my baby.” Phoenix paused. “Our baby.” She whispered that last part.

Dr. McKee takes some notes. She opens her mouth to speak but Phoenix beats her to it.

“I understand. I really do. Erik wants to give Luna the family experience. I want that for her too. But the family we’ve all created for her is fine.”

“I agree, Phoenix. So many of us get caught up in the idea of a traditional family. But family is whoever loves you unconditionally. From what I know, you, Erik, Coby, Ava and the entire tribe you guys have around you love Luna beyond this world. That’s more than enough. You’re a great mom. Great moms make tough decisions every day, but great moms also know each decision is for the greater good of their family.”

Phoenix smiles. It feels good to hear that someone sees you and your hard work and the sacrifices for what they are. Dr. McKee was right. They may not be the traditional family, but Luna is still surrounded by a loving tribe that is unique to her.

“But,” Dr. McKee continues, “you can’t attach yourself to Erik and what he may be feeling about this. You’ve made yourself clear what you wanted. You’re happy and Luna’s happy. There’s no need to ruffle anymore feathers here.”

Dr. McKee turns to her laptop and begins typing away on her keyboard. After a few clicks, she turns to Phoenix again.

“I’ve emailed you a list of things that could help you during your free time. I want you relax and enjoy this time off as best as you can before it’s time to get back to work. You deserve it.”

“I’m going to my best.”

—————

Phoenix wasn’t in a rush to leave the parking lot of Dr. McKee’s office after her session. She sat in her car going over the list in her email.

Ways to Relax Your Brain:

-Workout.

-Take an art class.

-Plant a Garden.

-Read some good books.

-Get out in Nature.

Phoenix wasn’t gifted with a green thumb, so gardening was out of the question. She works out pretty consistently, but it hasn’t worked out with calming her thoughts so that one is scratched off. Art class felt like work and books? She’s read every book that resides in Coby’s house. She was tired of reading. Looks like getting out in Nature would be worth a shot.

She’s always loved the beach but she couldn’t remember the last time she’s been to a beach.

—————

Phoenix found herself in a very familiar spot. A picnic table on the beach, watching the beach goers enjoy themselves. The waves look beautiful as they rolled in onto the sand. The sounds of splashing seemed more soothing than Phoenix ever realized. Time seemed to be passing so slow. Everything in the world has come to a calming pause. Her mind wasn’t racing. Her heart wasn’t pounding. Tranquility was all Phoenix could come up with to describe this feeling. She had no worries, no fears, no anxiety.

The sounds of an ice cream truck moving through the parking lot near her, caught her ear. The thought of eating something sweet without her infant bullying her into sharing seemed like a great win. She stood from her seat and seemingly floated to the truck.

“Hello, what can I get you?” the older man inside the truck said with a contagious smile.

“Um,” she tapped her chin with her index finger, “I’ll go with chocolate on a waffle cone.”

“Coming up.”

Moments later, Phoenix exchanges her money for the ice cream cone and travels back to her spot at the picnic table. She picked up where she left off admiring all that surrounds her. She ate her ice cream with a pleased smile pinching at her cheeks.

The small vibration of her phone pulled her from her trance. Erik is facetiming her. She assumed he was calling to see Luna so she swiped to answer the call.

“Hey, E. I’m not with Luna right now.”

“That’s cool. I called to talk to you.”

“Oh, um, okay. What’s up?” This made her suspicious.

“The Outreach Center will be opening this Friday. We’re doing a whole big thing and uh, I wanted to invite you if you aren’t busy. Shuri told me that if I didn’t call you right now, she would never talk to me again.”

Phoenix was mid bite into her cone and almost dropped it from laughter. “Well, you know I have nothing to do. Tell Shuri that me and Luna will be there.”

“Alright.” Erik paused, eyeing Phoenix’s background through the phone. “Aye! You’re at the beach?”

“Yeah. I just needed a moment. Needed to get out of the house, I guess.”

“Everything’s alright?” His words were soft, genuine.

“Yeah, yeah. Everything is good.”

Erik didn’t believe her. He could tell something was bothering her but he didn’t want to push her. That wasn’t his place. Well not anymore at least.

“Well you know, no matter what, you can always come to me.”

“Yeah, E. I know.”

“Alright, I have some shit to get done before Friday. I’ll let you get back to your me time. I’ll text the details later.”

“K…”

“Kiss my baby for me when you get back home please.”

“I will.”

The call ends and Phoenix is frozen. Erik calls her while she’s sitting in the very spot he’d taken her when he needed to clear his mind. This use to be their spot. Her peace was broken then. Erik was everywhere. Even when he wasn’t there. She looked around and threw in the towel. Her time here was up. She finished her ice cream cone on her walk back to her car. She was ready to get back home to get her daughter.

---------------

The week had flown by. Phoenix was just sitting on Dr. McKee’s couch. She was just at the beach. But now, it was opening day for the Outreach Center. Phoenix couldn’t understand why she was feeling so nervous. She had this gut feeling that something was off. Her and Erik were good. She loved T’Challa, Shuri and Queen Mother and they all adored her. She wrecked her brain trying to come up with an answer.

Phoenix called her mom. She would understand and maybe help her with her feelings.

“Something just doesn’t feel right, Ma.” Phoenix props the phone up on her dresser while she gets Luna dressed.

“That’s your intuition, baby. If you feel like something ain’t right, it’s because something ain’t right.”

“But I don't know what it is. It’s driving insane.”

“The only way to find out is to go and face whatever it is.”

Phoenix finishes dressing Luna. She places her in her bouncer in front of the phone so that Luna can see her grandmother on FaceTime.

“Hey baby girl.” Phoenix’s mom dotes on the bouncing baby. “You’re looking more and more like your grandma everyday.”

Phoenix cuts her eye at the phone. “She looks like her dad.”

Phoenix catches her mom rolling her eyes.

“You can’t hate him forever, Ma. He’s going to be around for a long time.”

“I don’t hate him. I just think he’s stupid. Maybe if he pays for a round trip for me to go to Wakanda, I’ll forgive him.”

“Mom!”

“Those are my terms Phoenix and I ain’t changing them. Ain’t that right Lulu? Tell your stupid ass daddy to send me to Wakanda.”

“Alright Luna,” Phoenix picks Luna up, “Your grandma is on all bullshit today.”

“Hey! What your mouth around my grandbaby.”

In disbelief, Phoenix looks at the camera, “But you just said a bad word.”

“Ass isn’t a bad word.”

“Okay, ma. Whatever you say. We have to go so I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Alright. I love you.”

“Love you too.”

----------------

Phoenix was roaming the large, empty halls of the Outreach Center. She had been inside multiple times while dropping off Luna to Erik or picking her up. She had checked Erik’s office, looking for him but he was nowhere to be found. She was making her way back outside when she sees Shuri. 

“Shuri!” Phoenix stops her, “Have you seen Erik?”

“Philly! I’m so happy you’re here.” She pulls Phoenix into a tight hug. Phoenix embraces her back and their body’s rock. “I missed you. Hey Lulu.” Shuri adds pinching Luna’s chubby cheeks.

“I told you that you can over whenever.” Phoenix adjusts Luna on her hip. Luna was getting heavier every day.

Before Shuri could respond, she looks up and sees Erik walking straight toward them. “Oh there’s the little T-Rex.” She points in the direction of Erik.

When Phoenix turns around, Erik is walking with that famous dip. His dreads are back into a ponytail and he’s sporting a navy blue suit that’s tailored to perfection. He’s always had great style. The smile on Phoenix’s face slowly began to drop when she noticed the tall, curvy, well dressed woman walking alongside Erik. That uneasy feeling she felt when she was home crept up from her stomach and settled in her chest. She tried to control her breathing before it picked up. She wouldn’t allow herself to get worked up before knowing what was going on.

“There you are. Philly was looking for you.” Shuri says. She turns to Phoenix, “Come find me later. We have so much to catch up on.” Shuri walks off.

Phoenix isn’t sure what she’s supposed to do. She awkwardly stands there looking around to avoid looking at the woman standing next to Erik.

“Hey, Phoenix,” Erik grabs her attention and motions to the mystery woman. “This is Alicia. Alicia, this is Phoenix.”

Alicia sticks her hand out and shakes Phoenix’s hand. “Oh my goodness, you’re Phoenix? I’ve heard so much about you. Hey Lulu.” Alicia rubs her thumb on Luna’s arm.

Lulu? The only people who calls her Lulu are people who are close to her. It’s obvious that this woman has been around Luna a great deal.

“Oh…Hm. It’s nice to meet you.”

Her eyes bounce between Alicia and Erik a few times before they lock in with Erik’s. She can’t read him. These are not the same eyes he usually looks at her with. He licks his lips. This woman isn’t just a random woman that Erik decided to introduce to her. Something was up between the two of them.

Luna throws her body backwards trying to get to her dad. Erik scoops her up with one quick motion, taking her from Phoenix. He peppers kisses all over her cheeks before checking his watch. “We’re gonna miss the opening ceremony. We should get outside.”

“You guys go ahead.” Alicia says, “I have to use the lady’s room. I’ll catch up.”

“Okay. You know where to find me.” Erik says with a smirk. Alicia places a hand on his arm and walks off toward the restroom.

Erik and Phoenix began the journey outside to watch T’Challa give the opening ceremony speech. As they approached the big door that led out, Phoenix looked to Erik. “She seems nice.”

“She is.” Erik tries to bite back his smile.

“Good. You need someone nice.”

Erik stops walking. He was stunned by her words. How did she manage to put those pieces together? His words got caught and he struggled with a response. Phoenix picked up on his struggles.

“She called Luna, Lulu. That told me everything, Erik.”

He caught on. “I wanted to tell you before now, but I didn’t really know how.”

“It’s fine. As long as she makes you happy, there’s nothing to talk about. Things may not have worked out with us but I can see that you’re a better man. Someone should get to experience that.”

Phoenix doesn’t stick around to hear how he may react. She walks ahead leaving him and Luna and goes outside. Erik stood there processing her words. Alicia catches up to him. She could see that something had shaken him up.

“Erik, is everything okay?” her eyes searched him for any kind of answer. “Did something happen with Phoenix?”

He finally looks at her, “No, nothing happened. She just, uh, she thinks you’re nice.” A single dimple appearing.

A small smile forms on Alicia’s face. “So does this mean that I’m Phoenix approved?”

They laugh. He steps closer to her and plants a kiss on her lips. Alicia’s face goes red. “Not in front of Luna.” she plays.

Erik opens the door for them and they walk out just in time as T’Challa takes the stage.

As the day progressed, Erik was talking to so many people. He found himself explaining different parts of the Outreach Center over and over but he didn’t complain. Alicia stayed by his side, mingling while Luna bounced around between the two of them and Queen Mother. It wasn’t until T’Challa pulled Erik aside to ask where Phoenix was that Erik realized that he hadn’t seen her since their exchange. His eyes searched through the crowd hoping to see her somewhere. To his disappointment, she was nowhere to be found.

He texted her.

Erik: Hey, Philly. Where did you go?

Time passed and he never received a text back.

Phoenix’s thumbs hovered over her keyboard but she just couldn’t find it in her to say anything back. When Erik didn’t come outside for the ceremony right after her, she snuck out and left. Luna was in good hands and she just couldn’t stick around. She meant what she said. She really did see Erk for the better man that he had become. He was an amazing person and even more amazing father. It wouldn’t be fair for her to want him to not move on. Again, she reminded herself that this was best.

“Philly. Come get your glass.” Mica yelled from the kitchen.

When Phoenix got back home, she told Ava what had happened and Ava called Mica and Camren over for girl talk and wine. They were all between their third and fourth cups. Hours had gone by and Phoenix still couldn’t text Erik back. She just says “fuck it,” and tossed her phone on the couch and heads into the kitchen for her refill.

When Phoenix gets a hold of her assigned wine glass, she downs it in seconds. Her friends watch on in shock.

“Damn Philly, calm down.” Camren says.

“I’m grown, Camren. You don’t have to tell me how to drink some weak ass wine.”

Mica clutches her pearls. This isn’t like Phoenix at all.

“What’s wrong with you?” Ava asks. “Is this about Erik?”

Phoenix throws daggers at Ava with her heavy eyes. “Everything ain’t about Erik. I’m good.”

“You’re not acting good.” Mica adds.

Phoenix begins filling her glass up again. “Well since yall just know me so well, how am I acting if I’m not acting like I’m good?”

Ava snatches Phoenix’s glass. “You’re acting like you’re trying to drink your problems away.”

“I don’t have any problems to drink away. If I did, I’d be killing off something way stronger than wine.” she reaches for her glass but Ava pulls away.

“It’s obvious that this Erik shit is bothering you, sis.” Ava says.

Camren and Mica both nod in agreement.

Phoenix slams her hands down on the island counter. “Yo, fuck Erik. I don’t give a shit about what that man is doing. He’s moved on. He’s happy. I’m happy. Why are y’all holding on to this shit?”

“You’re holding on to it.” Ava yells. She’s fed up with Phoenix’s rudeness.

The gloss appearing over Phoenix’s eyes alerted her friends that she was struggling to hold back her tears. Ava reaches for her but Phoenix pulls away. She looks off at nothing when a few tears escape and flow down her cheeks. Her lips shake and she wraps her arms around herself.

“I don’t get why you’re torturing yourself. You clearly still love him.” Mica says.

“Yes!,” she aggressively wipes tears from her cheeks, “I still fucking love him, but this love ain’t mean shit. He doesn’t get to do this. He can’t just pop back up after all of this and have his life back like nothing happened.

“So,” Camren hesitates for a moment. “You’re punishing him?”

“I’m protecting myself.”

Ava steps closer to Phoenix in a nurturing way. “No, you are punishing him and yourself. Look at you. I hate what his stupid ass did just as much as you. But she’s right. We’re right. You're torturing yourself while trying to prove a point.”

“No I’m not!”

“You keep saying that he can’t do this.” Mica joins in again. “That he can’t just come back. But you can’t just pretend like you don’t care. It’s not fair to either of you.”

Phoenix doesn’t respond. She’s listening but she wishes that she wasn’t. They were right and she wishes they weren’t.

Camren breaks the silence. “We’re not trying to hurt your feelings Philly or piss you off in any way, but you can’t be hurt that he’s moving on when you’re the one that told him to.”

Mica interrupts, “So, either you can move on too or tell him how you really feel.”

The group of women notices Phoenix’s lack of responses. She’s in shut down mode. They didn’t want that but they couldn’t sit back and not tell their friend the truth about herself. Phoenix finally gets her hands on her abandoned glass of wine on the counter and downs it before silently walking away from her friends. She goes upstairs to her room. They give each other knowing looks. They would give her some time and they’ll go up to console her. Moments pass and they all suddenly hear the front door slam, scaring them. When the women rush to the door, they barely catch Phoenix just as she is nearing the end of the driveway.

Ava runs out toward the reversing car but Phoenix quickly shifts the car into drive and drives off.

“Fuck!” Ava yells. “We have to get Coby.”

[pixieposts]

Febuwhump Day 14

AO3

Today's prompt was technically “I didn’t mean it” but I didn’t have any solid ideas for it, so instead I went with Alt 9: Gunpoint.  I know this is after the gunshot part, but I had an idea, and I ran with it😅.  This also takes place inside a Modern!AU that I haven’t posted yet... Soooooo if you read it again act surprised I guess? 😂😂

TW’s:

Major Character Injury

Warning: Trent Ikithon  

Brief Description of Injury

Fjord looked up in surprise at the quiet knocking, almost uncertain if he had imagined it.  Most of his friends didn’t bother to knock... the only one he could think of was Caleb (despite having a key), but he had only left about an hour ago.  He stood as the knocking sounded again, setting down his tea and making his way to the door.  He smiled when he opened it and saw the familiar ginger man standing on the stoop.  

“Hey there Cay, I didn’t expect you back till morning, miss me that much?”  

He felt the teasing grin drop off his face when he realized just how pale Caleb looked... taking in his expression Fjord reached out to pull him inside.  Caleb winced, but followed him, leaning back against the door when it closed behind him.  Fjord felt the panic rising in his chest as he got a good look at Caleb in the light.  His breathing was rapid and shallow, his face sickly pale and pained.  He was clutching his hip under his coat and let out a gasp when Fjord jostled the fabric.  The scent of blood overwhelmed him for a moment, and he thought he might be sick.  

“Caleb what- what the fuck?”

“Trent, or one of his guys” Caleb forced another deep breath “shot-shot me, I would have gone home but-” He stopped, panting slightly as he held up his blood coated hand “I- I didn’t know what else to do”

“Fuck, no it’s- You need and ambulance Cay”

Fjord led him to the kitchen, trying to support as much of his weight as possible.  The moment Caleb was seated in the large kitchen chair Fjord whipped out his phone and dialed the emergency number.  

“What is your emergency?”

“Ambulance, we need an ambulance, my friend he- we need help, he's been shot and we need help”

Fjord could hear the panic in his voice now as Calebs eyelids drooped, the hand on his hip was going lax where it needed to be maintaining pressure.

“Address?”  

“Cay you need- yes sorry it’s 23 Spire Square- put pressure darlin’ please”  

The woman was talking again, but he barely registered it as he moved to grab a clean kitchen towel and pressed it up against the bullet wound.  Caleb’s eyes were completely closed now, and Fjord wasn’t sure if he was awake or had actually passed out.  

“Sir?  Sir I understand this is difficult, the ambulance is almost there, and I need you to unlock the door”  

“It’s unlocked, I never- I didn’t get around to re-locking it”  

The paramedics arrived and lifted Caleb from the chair onto a stretcher.  Fjord felt the bile rise in his stomach at the way Caleb’s head lolled, he was sweating, he was so pale.  The ambulance ride was a blur of tearing clothing and beeping machines.  One of the paramedics tried to ask him what had happened, but he had nothing to give them other than Trent’s name.  The wound was horrible, once the medics had it cleaned off Fjord could see that there was more than one awful hole in Caleb’s skin.  

He had to look away.  

He watched Caleb’s face instead, watching the way it twitched, taking some small comfort in the fact that it hadn’t stopped.  The fact that he was breathing.  

When they arrived at the hospital there was a team waiting, they took Caleb and one woman stopped him at a pair of swinging doors

“You can’t come past here dear, you need to wait in the waiting room”

“Please, please I have to- he needs me, I need to be with him”  

He knew he should be embarrassed by the way he pleaded, but at this point he couldn’t make himself care.  He needed to be with Caleb, he needed to make sure he was okay.  

“I’m sorry, really, but he’s in good hands with the doctors okay?  The best thing you can do for him now is wait here.  What’s your name honey, is there someone you can call?”  

Can I help? Is there someone I can call?  

His own voice rang through his head, all those months ago.  He nodded at the nurse, still staring over her shoulder as if he could see through the doors through sheer force of will.  

“I’m Fjord”

“What’s his name dear, he didn’t have ID”  

“Caleb, his names Caleb”  

“Okay” she led him to a hard plastic chair from which he could still see the doors “call someone, we’ll take care of him and send someone for you when he’s out of the surgery okay?”

He nodded and watched her walk quickly through the swinging doors, the panic had faded into an uncomfortable numbness.  Caleb was back there, he was back there with lead in his body, in pain, and Fjord couldn’t help.  

Finally, after what could have been a few minutes, or an hour, he picked up his phone and dialed.

“Fjord?  If this is you calling to say Caleb is sleeping over again-”

“Veth”

Something in his tone stopped her immediately, a worried hum was the only response.

“Caleb’s- Caleb was shot”

“He was what?  Where are you?  Is he okay?”  

Veth’s panic broke through the fog in his mind, and he shook his head before remembering that she couldn’t see him.

“He- well he was breathing when I-” he forced himself to take a breath “hospital, we’re at the hospital, the doctors took him, they wouldn’t... I couldn’t go in with him”  

“I’m on the way”  

The click of her hanging up the phone was too loud, but he nodded and slipped his own phone back into his pocket.  All he could do now was wait.  

Veth arrived quickly, so quickly that Fjord would realize later that she must have driven like a mad woman, but in the moment, he was just relieved to have someone else there.  They didn’t speak, she just sat next to him and joined him in staring at the doors.  At some point her small hand landed on his, and he was thankful for the contact, though he didn’t have the words to say it.  

Finally, what Fjord would later be told was about two hours after they had arrived, an elvish man in scrubs walked out the doors.  He paused for a moment before he found Fjord and Veth and walked over.  Fjord's heart was pounding again as he tried to read the mans expression, looking for something to indicate that all was well or... or not.  

“Fjord?”  

He stood, and the doctor held out his hand.  Fjord took it briefly as he nodded, Veth standing and introducing herself as well.  

“I’ll start by saying that Caleb is in recovery”  

Fjord felt the air go out of his lungs all at once as he dropped back into the seat, relief washing through him.  The doctor gave him a moment before continuing.

“The bullet entered his right hip and lodged in his left thigh; he was incredibly lucky that it missed both femoral arteries.  It was a narrow miss in the left leg... but a miss still.  We managed to get the bullet out, along with some bone shards from where it nicked his hip-bone.”  

Fjord nodded along, trying to get his breathing under control again.

“You can come back and see him, but he’s under some fairly heavy anesthetic so he’ll be out for a while”

Fjord stood immediately and squeezed when he felt Veth take his hand.  The doctor led them down a series of halls into a much quieter ward of the hospital.  It occurred to Fjord as they passed a darkened window just how late it was.  He needed to call Caduceus, there was no chance he would make his shift.  The doctor opened a door into what would only be considered a typical hospital room.  The lights had been lowered to a soft glow, and the blinds on the windows were drawn.  The nurse from earlier was blocking Fjords view of the bed as she fiddled with one of the machines before nodding to herself and turning around.  She offered him a soft smile, but the best he could manage in response was a grimace.  

“The chairs pull out, they’re not the most comfortable but it’s better than sleeping sitting up” she said softly, patting his arm as she left.  

“If you have any questions, myself or another doctor will be in to check on him in a few hours.  If he wakes before that the blue button behind the bed will call the nurse's station”

“Thank you, doctor,” Veth’s voice was gentle, and a little scratchy.  

“Get some rest”  

As if.  

Fjord pulled the chairs up to the side of the bed, feeling his chest ache at the sight that greeted him.  Caleb was sleeping, long lashes fanned across familiar freckled cheekbones.  He was still pale, but the sickly sheen was gone, and if Fjord hadn’t known any better, he would have thought nothing was wrong.  Someone had changed him into a hospital gown, and a voice in the back of Fjord’s head noted that they would need something to take him home in.  The blanket bulged slightly where Fjord assumed the gauze pad sat on his hip, and the bandaging was wrapped around his thigh.

It was a near miss

Gods.  If the bullet had hit his artery... Fjord shivered and sat down, sliding his hand under Caleb’s on the sheets to avoid messing with the IV sticking out of the top.  His poor hands, both attached to the clear medical tubes leading to the odd bags of... whatever they were.  Anti-biotics maybe?  Pain medication certainly.  He was never letting Caleb out of his sight again.  

No, that was crazy.  

But... if he had driven him home, if he had insisted on it instead of giving in to Calebs claim that it wasn’t worth wasting gas...  

At the very least, he wouldn’t be walking home for a while.  

Veth took his free hand, her eyes locked on Caleb’s face, and together they waited.  

[broadwaydork23]

Well, this has been a shitty year… so I guess that means it’s time for my annual RESOLUTION post!

What the fuck even WAS 2018?!?!

Because it felt like a dumpster fire of a year. While 2017 felt like a transition year, this past year felt like everything was just closing in on me from all directions and every once in a while I would get a bright spot, but then eventually I wound up back on the same monotonous path.

Don’t get me wrong, there were some major highlights – I started training with Peter, I got to go to my first Broadway opening night, I finished that fucking thesis, I graduated with a masters (that sounds so impressive, but like tbh it was just another very expensive year of school), I went to the Tony Awards with my best friend and cried my eyes out when I got to see Lindsay win IN PERSON, Iris FINALLY got married, I moved closer to NYC which made seeing shows a hell of a lot easier, I went on my first voluntary hike, I travelled to see friends in shows, I was in a show again, I read a HELL of a lot of books, and so much more. 

On the other hand, my anxiety manifested itself into depression and I spent weeks on end in the house with zero purpose of doing anything, I can’t even get myself to apply to a job anymore, I had to leave my job and my apartment and put all my stuff in storage, I’ve been unemployed for 6 months, I lost a very good friend (miss you, Ben <3 ), this is the loneliest I’ve ever felt in my life (and I don’t even mean just relationship-wise, but I barely get to see my friends anymore), and most days I don’t even leave the house unless I have a library book to pick up. But I want to put a period on this shitty year and start fresh. I honestly do. And I want to do that through small, manageable goals throughout the year. 

Soooooo….resolution time? 

-Okay, new first thing: GO TO A DAMN THERAPIST AND GET DIAGNOSED. My anxiety was there the last few years, but ever since I moved home, it’s turned into depression and it’s crippling. I can’t apply for jobs. I don’t leave the house unless there’s a reason. Panic attacks aren’t even the issue at this point since the day-to-day problems are making a bigger impact. I truly need to do something about this ASAP because I don’t know how I’ll get through life if don’t even have the oomph to get out of bed, let alone start a career. 

-Well, obviously #2 is the same thing that I’ve wanted every year for about half my life…a boyfriend. But not in the superficial way. I really just don’t want to be lonely anymore. I want to find a partner who can connect with me and wants something more than friendship for ONCE in my damn life. Someone to confide in and be close with. A true partner. WHY is that so hard for me? There has to be a better way to find someone than online dating. 

-The way to get a boyfriend? Oh yeah, that would be a friggin DATE. It feels totally pathetic to be 25 and never have gone on a date. Maybe moving out on my own will help with that? Maybe? A girl can dream…

-I was in Parade this year, but honestly, my heart wasn’t in it at all. I don’t know why I kind of floated through the show like it was nothing, but it was just a reason to leave the house each day. I made friends, but I didn’t get especially close to anyone…it was just so weird. If I do another show this year (which is a goal in and of itself, of course), I want to appreciate it. I want to love my art again. 

-With that, I want to create more art this year. A cabaret, perhaps? Be in a show? Workshop something with friends? Start a podcast? I want to do something new that keeps me fulfilled creatively while also helping me in my career.  

-Hopefully go back to AT again? I told myself I was waiting until I moved to NYC to go back, but I really do miss it… 

-Get back to training with Peter! I miss him and even though working out was hard, I was so glad to be doing something positive for myself. I want to get back to it and find a routine that works. 

-I lost a few pounds this year, woohoo! Let’s lose some more so can feel healthier and get back to dancing!  

-Keep that website updated and looking fab ;) 

-Find. A. Job. Find a job. FIND A FRIGGIN JOB.  

-Move out. I can’t stay here and I’m miserable not having my own space. I know people say there’s no shame in moving home, and there really shouldn’t be, but I need to get out of here. It’s only making my anxiety worse…

-I read over 50 books this year and I’m so proud! So now I want to change it up a bit: 5 books a month. That’s a little more than 1 a week (60 for the year) and I think it’s pretty manageable! 5 a month. I can do that! 

-Well I’m definitely not going to do 19 things from my bucket list (seeing as I only did 6 this year and 5 the year before), but let’s compromise and say 10 things. #manageyourexpectations 

-KNIT A SCARF. Just do it, Jackie.  

-Play one of my dream roles? Maybe? 

-Maybe start trying to learn piano again?  

-Travel! Go on a trip. Whether it’s a long road trip to DC or a plane to LA, I want to go somewhere outside of my usual NYC/NJ/Philly trips. 

-Be better about following up on emails. I know they are a big part of my anxiety, but I just can’t leave them for weeks at a time… 

-Keep the year’s motto: 2019: LOW STAKES, HIGH FUN! 

And last but not least….


-Finish at least 10 things on this list. There’s 20 on this list including this. I know I’ll never finish my whole list, but I did 10 last year and felt amazing because at least I accomplished something. Let’s keep that same feeling going, please! And if I do more than 10, I’ll be even more excited!