#and my goal is to fine one in a physical store before I gotta buy online

[bitchapalooza]

Reaaaaaaally not looking forward to having to clean under my bed and moving my bed around. Haha. The crap I pushed underneath is gonna get me yelled at for sure :)

[neshabeingchildish]

I just realized that I posted the ff link and not just posted the chapter, so I added it in, in case ff ain’t for some. :)

12. Stuck on Stupid

Charlotte was frustrated. More than she wanted to be and more than she wanted to show. Henry and Jasper were making their plans, as they usually did. She was focusing on what she had to, as usual. Ray was discussing something with Schwoz and Piper was coming into the store. Charlotte noticed her on the monitor and got up to go meet her. Jasper didn’t even notice that she was leaving. “Bye, Guys!” she said, with her stankest attitude. 

Jasper just smiled and waved. Henry cheered, “Later, Char!” 

Whenever she got to Piper, Piper immediately noticed something was wrong, “Great, what did he do now?” she wondered. Charlotte’s glare softened and she forced a smile and shook her head. “I know it’s something, because your forehead is all wrinkly.”

“It’s nothing. Well, it's nothing that I have a right to be mad about.”

“But, you are mad, so spill it, Sister.”

Charlotte sighed and said, “Jasper and Henry are making plans for prom, when neither of them have made any type of moves towards college, and prom and graduation are very close to each other. How can they possibly care more about a stupid school dance than our future!”

“You mean than their futures?”

“Yeah. Of course.”

Piper thought for a moment, then wondered, “Charlotte… Do you plan on being with Jasper after graduation? Because, if you do, maybe the two of you should be mapping out your plans together.”

“My plans are already mapped out. My plans have been mapped out since seventh grade. Anytime I try to ask Jasper what he wants to do, he says something goofy like “Just be happy and be loved,” like THAT buys you personal tennis court! He could at least tell me that he’s gonna take general studies at the community college until he figures it out. Or that he’ll get a full time job and save up for a tech school stint. Or ANYTHING. Tell me something that doesn’t make me feel like I spent 18 years being responsible, only to get so sprung now that I let my hormones think for me, and that is NOT me!” She made a squealing noise and punched a random piece of junk in the store, putting her fist through it.

“Whoa. Charlotte… You’ve got a temper,” Piper had the nerve to say. "Listen… what is it about Jasper that makes you think that you shouldn't break up with him, like right now? What keeps you from making the wise and smart decision of letting him go?" Charlotte shrugged her shoulders and looked at her feet and mumbled something. "You what?"

"Love him!" She said with her eyes shut and her fists clenched. 

"I don't understand why, but if that's the case, that's what you present. Jasper, I…" Piper struggled to even hypothetically repeat it, "love you and I want us to be together. That can't happen if I don't see you taking your future as seriously as I take mine. You can do what you want, but not with me. With me, you've gotta do what you gotta and you need to let me know really soon what that is."

Charlotte shook her head and said, "That sounds like an ultimatum. I don't want to threaten him into anything. I want to encourage him into things."

"Oh, then I can't help you."

"I didn't ask for help!" Charlotte squealed. 

Piper folded her arms and said, "No. Just poured and punched a poor defenseless piece of junk."

"I should just break up with him. That's nicer than trying to get him to change and I promised myself that I wouldn't try to change him!"

"I second breaking up with him."

"But that would also be breaking my own heart. You know what I need? I need to create a vision board for this." Charlotte grabbed her backpack and left the store.

Piper said, "I came here to pick you up!" And chased her outside.

Meanwhile, Ray busted out laughing as Jasper tried not to have a nervous breakdown. “Henry, good call on eavesdropping on Charlotte’s conversation with your sister!” Ray said through tears of laughter. 

Henry glared at him and tried to collect Jasper’s hands, “Jasp,” 

“Oh my God!” Jasper said.

“I’m sure it’s fine…”

“She’s gonna break up with me! How is it fine?” Jasper was hyperventilating.

Henry said, “He’s having some kind of attack, Ray. Do something!” Ray punched Jasper in the face and knocked him out. Henry rushed to catch his friend so that he wouldn’t fall to the floor. “What! Is wrong with you???”

“I fixed the problem! You’re welcome,” Ray said and walked off, scoffing at Henry’s audacity. Henry rested Jasper on the couch and sighed, wondering if he should call Charlotte or try to wake up Jasper. One of these things, but the “freaking out” in him wouldn’t tell him which one! Okay.  Maybe wake up Jasper. Maybe call Charlotte and ask her if he should wake up Jasper? He called Charlotte and said, “Char!”

“Henry, I’m busy,” she told him.

“Yeah, yeah. Me too. Listen… We sort of spied on you and Piper a little while ago and Jasper had a panic attack and Ray punched him unconscious.”

“WHAT? WHY?”

“What to which part? And follow up… Why to which part?”

“I’m on my way. Piper, can you please go back? These… IDIOTS just possibly injured Jasper!”

“Why am I an idiot, too? Ray is the one that punched him…” She hung up on him. “So… She’s mad.”

“About what?” Ray wondered. 

Jasper was awake by the time that Charlotte came storming into the Man Cave, ready to swing on pretty much everybody in the room. Piper was waiting in the store for her and wondering, like she always did how in the world this store was still standing with literally no customers whatsoever, EVER. 

Charlotte came storming into the building and Jasper looked nervous, while Henry looked panicked. Ray was fine. She marched up to him and began to swing her bag at him. "Ouch! Ouch! Why are you hitting me?"

"You punched Jasper in the face and knocked him unconscious!" She fussed. Jasper came to collect her and she turned to Henry, "And you!"

"I tried to help him, I swear!" He said, fucking behind Jasper. 

She went on to say, "I know it was your idea to eavesdrop on me and you can bite it, Henry Hart!" She grabbed Jasper's hand and said, "Let's go. I have to stay with you to make sure you don't have a concussion and we aren't staying here!" She pulled him, swung her bag one more time at Ray, who pushed Schwoz in the way. 

When they got onto the elevator, Charlotte was asking questions about how he felt. He felt fine. He had a high tolerance for physical pain. It was his heart that was aching. He was afraid to admit that. Instead, he answered her questions and afterwards asked, "Are you gonna break up with me?"

She sighed and said, "No. I just wish that you cared more about your future. I feel like you not caring about your future is you not caring about OUR future. It makes me feel like you kinda don’t care about… me.” Her volume dropped dramatically when she admitted that. 

“What? No. How could you think that? You’re the most important person in my life, right now. I don’t know… I’m sorry if you feel like I don’t care. Can you help me fix it? There’s nothing could be further from the truth and I don’t have the… I’m sorry. Nobody ever taught me how to love you right, but I promise I’m trying to learn how! I thought I was doing okay.” She sighed, put her backpack down and collected him into a hug. “I thought you knew that you mean the world to me. I don’t know how to handle knowing that you don’t..” She cupped his face and kissed him. But he shook his head. He’d let her down, somehow. She wasn’t going to make him forget. No matter how juicy and sweet her lips were. “Charlotte, no.” He said and moved her off of him. “Tell me what I can do.”

“I just… Wish that I knew what your plans are? Is this a senior year fling? Did you just want to have a high school sweetheart to tell your future wife and kids how things turn out differently than you think when you’re young and in school? Did you just want another notch on your belt? Did you just want to see what it felt like to hook up with your best friend? To bed an asexual? To…”

“Please, stop! None of that is true. I don’t… I thought that I’d be spending our senior year working and saving up to maybe move out of my mom’s when I turned 18 and most likely just dropping out and working until I had enough to be comfortable. I figured that I’d spend years working in the Man Cave and watching you be successful in your science stuff and watching Henry become the hero of Swellview and just having to be happy to accept that I had really awesome friends who made a difference in the world. MAYBE find somebody to put up with me long enough to fall in love and start a family and hope that Henry would pay me enough to provide for them. I didn’t think too deeply about my future before you and nobody made me. My mother would be fine with me never leaving the house. I’m on my fourth stepdad and I don’t know if he likes her as much as a husband should. I’ve told you - You and Henry are my only people, and you’re my PERSON. My favorite person. I wish that I could have everything with you, but I realistically know that isn’t possible. I have a lot of ideas and plans that I’ve had in recent months, but I know that most of my plans are usually stupid, so I didn’t want to present anything to you. My stepdad calls it being “stuck on stupid,” which is hokey talk for somebody who’s basically trapped being stupid.” He felt really weak right now, so he just hid his face against the elevator wall. 

Charlotte felt bad. “Jasper?” She said, softly. She didn’t want to just reach out and touch him. “Do you want me to get off of the elevator and give you a moment? Or stay?”

“I will always want you to stay.” 

Now, she reached out and touched his shoulders, “And I always want to stay. That was the reason that I was upset. I thought that you didn’t want that with me. It was a miscommunication, Jasper.”

“I have goals,” he reiterated. “I write them down and I say them out loud, just to see how it sounds and looks. I scratch off a lot and tear out a lot of pages…” She didn’t want to talk about that anymore. He was too upset and all she wanted was for him to feel better.

“Let’s get you home. Piper’s waiting to drop us off at your house.”

“You’re coming to my house? With my mom there?”

“If we’re gonna have a future… I’m gonna have to get used to her, or at least try to tolerate her.” She shrugged her shoulders and said, “I love you, you know?” He couldn’t stop himself from smiling.

“You’ve never said that out loud before,” he noted.

“I know. But… I also know that sometimes, a person just needs to hear it.” She was scared to make eye contact. She loved him, but Jasper’s love level could be a little bit intimidating. The thing was that Charlotte felt a little bit guilty that this was her first time saying it out loud. She’d written it down before on gifts, in a platonic way. She’d texted it as abbreviations or in emojis. But, saying it out loud always felt like it might cement her to him and she was already scared of how clingy he was. If they didn’t last. If they didn’t work out… What kind of condition would they be in with that being out and on the table, for real? And now, he was staring at her with this huge, proud smile and she could feel the warmth of it on her forehead. It might be too bright for her eyes to bear. But, Jasper lifted her chin to have to face him and he told her, “I love you too. But, you know that.” He moved in to kiss her, but truth be told, all this emotion was a bit intense for her, so she pressed the button and they held on to not fall down as the episode shot upward.

Piper dropped them off at Jasper’s house. Charlotte was pretty quiet the whole trip, while Jasper seemed pretty elated. Piper didn’t want to get involved. Instead, she just said, “Hey. Call me if you need me to pick you up?”

“Yeah. Thanks so much, Piper. You’re a great friend,” Charlotte said. Piper made a confused expression. Charlotte was unsure of why she said that. She was just in her feelings, she guessed. Jasper was sleepy, so they went inside and his mom was in the kitchen, cooking. Jasper was so out of it at this moment that Charlotte was the one to address her. “Hi!” She tried to cheer. “Um, Jasper unfortunately had a work accident and so I escorted him home and hope that I can stick around for a little bit to see if he’s alright and doesn’t need any medical attention.”

Jasper’s mom’s smile was fake, but at least it was there. “Okay. Well… Keep the door open,” she said. “Are you going to stay for dinner?”

“I’m not hungry. I was thinking that I’d just finish some homework while I monitor Jasper to make sure he doesn’t have a concussion or anything.”

“Okay. I didn’t realize that you were qualified to do that.”

“There’s tips all over the Internet. Most people don’t rush to the ER every time they hit their heads,” Charlotte said through her teeth and fought the urge to roll her eyes.

“She’s a genius, Mom. She’s qualified to do anything,” Jasper said. He headed for his room, bumped into the door and Charlotte moved it and tried to help him out. “And she loves me!” Jasper called out. “More than we could say for you,” he muttered.

“Jasper, please.” Charlotte said softly. She didn’t want to get kicked out. He might be hurt and she wanted to make sure that she was around to get him help, if he needed it. He was fine, though. Physically, at least. 

Charlotte was bothered about how Jasper felt. Hearing that his stepfather called him “stupid” was bad enough, but “stuck on stupid” was just ugly and mean. She hated the way that they made him feel. Recently, she realized that Jasper cried a lot. He let her know that she was the first person to know and see it (since Henry when they were younger, and even since Henry most likely thought that Jasper no longer did that). They all knew that his mom sent him mixed messages about whether or not she actually loved him and from his little outburst earlier, Charlotte guessed that he had at least subconsciously decided on the belief that she didn’t. 

One of the reasons that their relationship had worked in the beginning was because Charlotte was extremely harsh with him and pretty mean. Honestly… it embarrassed her to think about how she would speak to him. Even sometimes today, if she said something with an attitude, in the back of her mind, she wondered if she might be adding on to his drama/trauma with his mama. So, now… she tried really hard to be less condescending and gentler. She tried to be more complementary whenever he frustrated her than accentuating whatever he was doing to get on her nerves. He still got on her nerves A LOT. He just had certain ways that were very different than what she liked. 

In their round robin spiral, instead of an update, Charlotte simply wrote Jasper a little love note that read: Now that I know that you’re okay, I’m hoping that you sleep well and wake up okay. The most important thing is that I wanted you to know that I rebranded that thing from you know who. 

Then, she drew a little doodle (she wasn’t great at drawing, but she made an attempt and since it was lettering, it was better than her actual drawings), which read Jasper TBD Dunlop: Stuck on Stupendous and had a little Jasper drawing smiling and giving the thumbs up. Then, she kissed the bottom right hand corner and autographed it. It was a light pink color, because she only wore gloss, but she opened the book so that he’d see it whenever he got up. Then, she gave him a kiss on the cheek and fixed his hair, even though he was sleeping. 

On her way out, she said, “I think he’s fine, so he’s gone to sleep, now and Piper Hart is outside to pick me up. So, goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” his mom said. 

Charlotte nodded, then stopped at the door and said, “Look. I don’t know why you don’t like me. I don’t know why you think that I’m bad for him. I don’t know what I might have done or said to give you the thoughts and ideas that you seem to have of me. But, I also don’t care. I don’t care what you think or how you feel or even how you try to treat me. But, I do care how you make Jasper feel, and I wish that you would take the time to care about that too. Now, good night.”

His mom looked offended and bothered, and maybe she had just made things a billion times worse, but maybe she had helped. If she had, it was worth how uncomfortable she felt having to say that to this woman. 

By the next day, at work (Charlotte came early, so she didn’t meet up with the guys), but whenever they came in, Jasper immediately wrapped his arms around her and kissed her on the cheek. “Thank you,” he said.

“For what?” She wondered, blushing.

“My mom told me what you said and she was pretty heated about it. Asking me what I’d been saying to you and if I was making her look bad.” He laughed.

“That doesn’t sound good,” she said.

“It was pretty bad, but I appreciate that you stood up for me. That’s super important. You’re the best. Also, I sent your artwork in to 1 Hour T-Shirts. I ordered it in seven colors.”

She gasped, “Jasper! That was just for you!” 

“Yeah, so doesn’t that mean I can do what I want with it?” She scoffed. He smirked and kissed her on the neck. 

[illbefinealonereads]

Blog tour! I present to you some info and an excerpt from She’s Faking It by Kristin Rockaway.

She’s Faking It Kristin Rockaway FICTION/Romance/Contemporary  Trade Paperback | Graydon House Books On Sale: 6/30/2020 978152580464 $15.99 $19.99 CAN

You can’t put a filter on reality. Bree Bozeman isn’t exactly pursuing the life of her dreams. Then again, she isn’t too sure what those dreams are. After dropping out of college, she’s living a pretty chill life in the surf community of Pacific Beach, San Diego…if “chill” means delivering food as a GrubGetter, and if it means “uneventful”. But when Bree starts a new Instagram account — @breebythesea — one of her posts gets a signal boost from none other than wildly popular self-help guru Demi DiPalma, owner of a lifestyle brand empire. Suddenly, Bree just might be a rising star in the world of Instagram influencing. Is this the direction her life has been lacking? It’s not a career choice she’d ever seriously considered, but maybe it’s a sign from the universe. After all, Demi’s the real deal… right? Everything is lining up for Bree: life goals, career, and even a blossoming romance with the chiseled guy next door, surf star Trey Cantu. But things are about to go sideways fast, and even the perfect filter’s not gonna fix it. Instagram might be free, but when your life looks flawless on camera, what’s the cost?

BUY LINKS:

Harlequin Amazon Apple Books Barnes & Noble Books-A-Million Google Play IndieBound Kobo

Kristin Rockaway is a native New Yorker with an insatiable case of wanderlust. After working in the IT industry for far too many years, she traded the city for the surf and chased her dreams out to Southern California, where she spends her days happily writing stories instead of software. When she's not writing, she enjoys spending time with her husband and son, and planning her next big vacation.

SOCIAL LINKS:

http://kristinrockaway.com/ Facebook: /KristinRockaway Twitter: @KristinRockaway Instagram: @KristinRockway

Excerpt

From Chapter Two

“Don’t these books make your purse really heavy? There’s gotta be some app where you can store all this information.”

“Studies show you’re more likely to remember things you’ve written by hand, with physical pen and paper.” She reached across my lap and opened the glove compartment, removing a notebook with an antiqued photograph of a vintage luxury car printed on the cover. “For example, this is my auto maintenance log. Maybe if you’d kept one of these, like I told you to, we wouldn’t be in this predicament right now.”

I loved Natasha, I really did. She was responsible and generous, and without her I’d likely be far worse off than I already was, which was a horrifying thought to consider. But at times like this, I wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake the shit out of her.

“A maintenance log wouldn’t have helped me.”

“Yes, it would have. Organization is about more than decluttering your home. It’s about decluttering your mind. Making lists, keeping records—these are all ways to help you get your life in order. If you’d had a maintenance log, this problem wouldn’t have caught you off guard in the middle of your delivery shift. You’d have seen it coming, and—”

“I saw it coming.”

“What?”

“This didn’t catch me off guard. The check engine light came on two weeks ago.” Or maybe it was three.

“Then why didn’t you take it to the mechanic?” She blinked, genuinely confused. Everything was so cut-and dried with her. When a car needed to be serviced, of course you called the mechanic.

That is, if you could afford to pay the repair bill.

Fortunately, she put two and two together without making me say it out loud. “Oh,” she murmured, then bit her lip. I could almost hear the squeak and clank of wheels turning in her head as she tried to piece together the solution to this problem. No doubt it included me setting up a journal or logbook of some sort, though we both knew that would be pointless. The last time she’d tried to set me up with a weekly budget planner, I gave up on day two, when I realized I could GrubGetter around the clock for the rest of my life and still never make enough money to get current on the payments for my student loans. You know, for that degree I’d never finished.

But Natasha was a determined problem solver. It said so in her business bio: “Natasha DeAngelis, Certified Professional Organizer®, is a determined problem solver with a passion for sorting, purging, arranging, and containerizing.” My life was a perpetual mess, and though she couldn’t seem to be able to clean it up, that didn’t stop her from trying. Over and over and over again.

“I’ll pay for the repairs,” she said.

“No.” I shook my head, fending off the very big part of me that wanted to say yes. “I can’t take any money from you.”

“It’s fine,” she said. “Business is booming. I’ve got so much work right now that I’ve actually had to turn clients away. And ever since Al introduced that new accelerated orthodontic treatment, his office has been raking it in. We can afford to help you.”

“I know.” Obviously, my sister and her family weren’t hurting for cash. Aside from her wildly successful organizing business, her husband, Al, ran his own orthodontics practice. They owned a four-bedroom house, leased luxury cars, and took triannual vacations to warm, sunny places like Maui and Tulum. They had a smart fridge in their kitchen that was undoubtedly worth more than my nonfunctioning car.

But my sister wasn’t a safety net, and I needed to stop treating her like one. She’d already done so much for me. More than any big sister should ever have to do.

“I just can’t,” I said.

“Well, do you really have any other choice?” There was an edge to Natasha’s voice now. “If you don’t have a car, how are you going to work?”

“I’ll figure something out.” The words didn’t sound very convincing, even to my own ears. For the past four years, all I’d done was deliver food. I had no other marketable skills, no references, no degree.

I was a massive failure.

Tears pooled in my eyes. Natasha sighed again.

“Look,” she said, “maybe it’s time to admit you need to come up with a solid plan for your life. You’ve been in a downward spiral ever since Rob left.”

She had a point. I’d never been particularly stable, but things got a whole lot worse seven months earlier, when my live-in ex-boyfriend, Rob, had abruptly announced he was ending our three-year relationship, quitting his job, and embarking on an immersive ayahuasca retreat in the depths of the Peruvian Amazon.

“I’ve lost my way,” he’d said, his eyes bloodshot from too many hits on his vape pen. “The Divine Mother Shakti at the Temple of Eternal Light can help me find myself again.”

“What?” I’d been incredulous. “Where is this coming from?”

He’d unearthed a book from beneath a pile of dirty clothes on our bed and handed it to me—Psychedelic Healers: An Exploratory Journey of the Soul, by Shakti Rebecca Rubinstein.

“What is this?”

“It’s the book that changed my life,” he’d said. “I’m ready for deep growth. New energy.”

Then he’d moved his belongings to a storage unit off the side of the I-8, and left me to pay the full cost of our monthly rent and utilities on my paltry GrubGetter income.

I told myself this situation was only temporary, that Rob would return as soon as he realized that hallucinating in the rainforest wasn’t going to lead him to some higher consciousness. But I hadn’t heard from him since he took off on that direct flight from LAX to Lima. At this point, it was probably safe to assume he was never coming back.

Which was probably for the best. It’s not exactly like Rob was Prince Charming or anything. But being with him was better than being alone. At least I’d had someone to split the bills with.

“Honestly,” she continued, “I can’t stand to see you so miserable anymore. Happiness is a choice, Bree. Choose happy.”

Of all Natasha’s pithy sayings, “Choose happy” was the one I hated most. It was printed on the back of her business cards in faux brush lettering, silently accusing each potential client of being complicit in their own misery. If they paid her to clean out their closets, though, they could apparently experience unparalleled joy.

“That’s bullshit, and you know it.”

She scowled. “It is not.”

“It is, actually. Shitty things happen all the time and we have no choice in the matter. I didn’t choose to be too broke to fix my car. I work really hard, but this job doesn’t pay well. And I didn’t choose for Rob to abandon me to go find himself in the Amazon, either. He made that choice for us.”

I almost mentioned the shittiest thing that had ever happened to Natasha or to me, a thing neither of us had chosen. But I stopped myself before the words rolled off my lips. This evening was bad enough without rehashing the details of our mother’s death.

“Sometimes things happen to us that are beyond our control,” Natasha said, her voice infuriatingly calm. “But we can control how we react to it. Focus on what you can control. And it does no good to dwell on the past, either. Don’t look back, Bree—”

“Because that’s not where you’re going. Yes, I know. You’ve said that before.” About a thousand times.

She took a deep breath, most likely to prepare for a lengthy lecture on why it’s important to stay positive and productive in the face of adversity, but then a large tow truck lumbered onto the cul-de-sac and she got out of the car to flag him down.

Grateful for the interruption, I ditched the casserole on her dashboard and walked over to where the driver had double-parked alongside my car.

“What’s the problem?” he asked, hopping down from the cab.

“It won’t start,” I said, to which Natasha quickly followed up with, “The check engine light came on several weeks ago, but the car has not been serviced yet.”

He grunted and popped the hood, one thick filthy hand stroking his braided beard as he surveyed the engine. Another grunt, then he asked for the keys and tried to start it, only to hear the same sad click and whine as before.

“It’s not the battery.” He leaned his head out of the open door. “When was the last time you changed your timing belt?”

“Uh… I don’t know.”

Natasha shook her head and mouthed, Maintenance log! in my direction but I pretended not to see.

The driver got out and slammed the hood shut. “Well, this thing is hosed.”

“Hosed?” My heart thrummed in my chest. “What does that mean? It can’t be fixed?”

He shrugged, clearly indifferent to my crisis-in-progress. “Can’t say for sure. Your mechanic can take a closer look and let you know. Where do you want me to tow it?”

I pulled out my phone to look up the address of the mechanic near my apartment down in Pacific Beach. But Natasha answered before I could google it up.

“Just take it to Encinitas Auto Repair,” she said. “It’s on Second and F.”

“You got it,” he said, then retreated to his truck to fiddle with some chains.

Natasha avoided my gaze. Instead, she focused on calling a guy named Jerry, who presumably worked at this repair shop, and told him to expect “a really old Civic that’s in rough shape,” making sure to specify, “It’s not mine, it’s my sister’s.”

I knew she was going to pay for the repairs. It made me feel icky, taking yet another handout from my big sister. But ultimately, she was right. What other choice did I have?

The two of us stayed quiet while the driver finished hooking up my car. After he’d towed it away down the cul-desac and out of sight, Natasha turned to me. “Do you want to come over? Izzy’s got piano lessons in fifteen minutes, you can hear how good she is now.”

Even though I did miss my niece, there was nothing I wanted to do more than go home, tear off these smelly clothes, and cry in solitude. “I’ll take a rain check. Thanks again for coming to get me.”

“Of course.” She started poking at her phone screen. A moment later, she said, “Your Lyft will be here in four minutes. His name is Neil. He drives a black Sentra.” A quick kiss on my cheek and she was hustling back to her SUV.

As I watched Natasha drive away, I wished—not for the first time—that I could be more like her: competent, organized, confident enough in my choices to believe I could choose to be happy. Sometimes I felt like she had twenty years on me, instead of only six. So maybe instead of complaining, I should’ve started taking her advice.

 Excerpted from She’s Faking It by Kristin Rockaway, Copyright © 2020 by Allison Amini. Published by Graydon House Books.

[moony-balloons]

Oh hey yeah I was gonna make a “what is up with me lately” post so here it finally is! Under a cut bc I don’t know how long it’s gonna be.

So! Firstly, I have a job. I work full time as a cashier at a grocery store, a major chain one BUT it’s part of a smallish franchise owned by a dude who is very nice and community focused, and we’re treated very well so no complaints on that front. I didn’t -actually- want full time for “I have no energy as it is and will not get anything done towards finding a Degree Relevant job if I am spending literally all of my energy at my current job” but my parents were not real receptive to that? So when I was interviewing and the manager asked me if I wanted full time or part time I said I’d take whatever and they put me on as full time bc boy howdy do they need people. Also honestly tbh I don’t mind making that full-time dough, could use the money to build my savings back up and start paying down my student loans faster / buy myself some of the things I’ve been putting off for forever and a day bc “well it’s not ESSENTIAL and I don’t have a job so lol”. I’ve been there for around..... 6 weeks? 2 months? Somewhere in there, and the Exhaustion from working on my feet 8 hours a day every day is reducing as my body gets used to it so I may be able to start getting things done again, aside from the small organizational irl things I’ve been picking away at bc those just make my life and my brain and everything feel cleaner. Clean is good yknow? And my mom’s house is pretty cluttered (less cluttered than her parents admittedly so step in the right direction, but lordy) so wanting my room to at least be neat is nice.

But yeah, on the topic of getting things done for job searching? The troubles I’ve been having, as always, are that I feel like 1) I need to do Everything Right Now bc I want to get a job that utilizes my degree, but that is overwhelming, so I feel like 2) I should take things a bit at a time bc that is the solution to things being overwhelming but that is Not Good Enough Or Fast Enough bc I should be there Now so as a result of those two things clashing I often just end up doing nothing? Which is even worse than moving too slowly, but? With the fact that I don’t have a clearly quantifiable end point in mind with my “I gotta learn x, y and z languages/skills well enough to be able to get a job” goal, I always feel like I am wasting time when I chip away at it bc, oh, maybe THIS skill isn’t important and my time would be better spent learning THIS instead, or maybe no one even does things THIS way anymore and it’s dumb to even learn it bc I will have to learn a different way anyway. Or other such nonsense and basically what I am getting is that my attempts to learn these things keep failing in part bc I am too damn vague and I can’t feel like I am making progress towards my goal if I can’t quantify what my goal IS, or at what pace I “should” be moving towards it. So I plan to try and.... set things up more like as if I was in school? Like give myself deadlines and homework and reading assignments and shit lmao, and see if that works. I also have to remember what the therapist said when I was speaking to him a while ago when I was first starting medication, which was.... I was having this same issue, and he asks me why I feel like I’m not moving fast enough and it’s because I feel like more is expected of me, by both my family and by society in general, and he’s like well basically fuck what they think, you move at whatever pace you can (in much nicer terms obv lmao). And I gotta like, write that on my forehead in sharpie bc that is the thing to remember, getting there more slowly than someone else is fine if that is what I am capable of and it sure as shit beats giving up and never getting there at all.

But I did have a mental health slump recently bc, well, it doesn’t feel great to have a bachelor’s degree and still be doing retail stuff, and getting turned down by countless actual tech jobs in the meantime. Being rejected by the most recent one hurt the most because it was one of those “oh we’re looking for more of a personality fit than a skills fit!” type positions, and it was an internship (a new position they were still in the process of working out even what that entailed, but even so) and they liked my personality and invited me to take a skills test...... and I didn’t complete it in time, and they were basically like uh yeah we’re gonna pass. Like, not looking as much for a skills match but my skills disqualified me anyway. And then on top of that! The weekend before last I went to help my grandpa put in his new air conditioner (he still uses the kind you have to mount in a window) and he had a nice snide comment about “6 years at [school] and all you can say is, do you want fries with that” which, A, 4 and a half years, thanks, but also B, can you not??? He’s very much of the opinion that college is a waste of time and computers are on their way out and have overstayed their welcome and I should learn a SKILL (anything that doesn’t result in physically building something with your hands is not a skill in his book) bc only people with SKILLS are useful/valuable/etc. I know that he’s wrong about that and that his “if it wouldn’t help you in the apocalypse then it’s dumb and not worth knowing” attitude is not anywhere near the norm, but the fact that it echoes the insecurities I already have about myself re: being dumb and useless just made it REALLY hit home. Bc like...... idk. I can combat my own bad things I think about myself with, well yeah, you have depression and are definitely not as bad as you think you are, you’re just looking at yourself with poop-tinted glasses bc mental illness. But if someone ELSE says it, well, clearly they must be right! Which is dumb af but that’s what my brain does. BUT after spending time with my very pissy grandpa I went over to my dad’s house and got to pet my dog a lot and Dad made burgers on the grill which was excellent (my stepdad considers himself a grillmaster but honestly tbh keep this a goddamn secret but I like my dad’s burgers better) and they showed me the house they bought, which has 4 bedrooms and would theoretically have space for me to stay with them should I ever need it, unlike their current house which is small af and causes some inconveniences if I end up having to stay the night lol. Also the new house has a fireplace and a loft area above the living room which I am SO sure their cats are gonna love.

Artwise I’m in a similar spot to where I am career-wise, which is “I would love to do a fancy finished detailed thing but I definitely won’t have the energy to actually do it to my satisfaction so I should work on just practicing little things but that is not good enough and I have to be able to do awesome cool things right now” and the fact that I don’t have a good, comfortable drawing space doesn’t help. I keep meaning to work on it and I do believe that in bits and pieces, I will, it’s just one of those things where I want to draw and then if I do start, I immediately hate it and want to stop, and lately haven’t had the energy to push through it. XD Just weh.