#and my computer isn't good enough for quality captures

[whatyourusherthinks]

The Watchers Review

UUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

So, fun fact, M. Night Shyamalan is probably my least favorite filmmaker. Ever. I've only seen four of his movies, but I only like one of them and I know enough about the others to know I wouldn't enjoy them if I did watch them.

Um excuse me Roan, the director is this movie isn't M. Night Shyamalan. It's directed by Ishana Night Shyamalan. Oh right, I got confused because the Watchers looks exactly like a M. Night movie from the trailers and Ishana is his daughter. Seems like she learned all she knows from dear old dad. But you know what Buggnutz, I'm actually glad you brought her up. This is the first movie by a new director, so I want to make something crystal clear. Despite everything negative I am about to say about this work,

I do not think Ishana Night Shyamalan should stop making movies.

I will never be the one to squash a first-time creative's project. Unless it is hate speech or something deliberately offensive, which the Watchers is not. I just think Ishana would do well to learn from other directors as well as M. Night.

Final order of business, I've got an axe to grind with the Shyamalans, and it has to do with the most infamous parts of their movies. Yeah, I'm going to try to prove that every single Shyamalan twist doesn't work. It will be it's own section of the review, so skip that if you don't want every Shyamalan movie twist spoiled, including Devil. Because Devil sucks.

What's The Movie About?

A woman wanders into an Irish forest and get kept as pet by the Watchers, a mysterious group and they are exactly what you think they are from this description. (What? I technically haven't spoiled the movie yet.) Anyway all the captured humans try to escape captivity. Then the last 45 minutes is the sequel to this movie completely rushed.

What I Like.

The cinematography I thought was pretty cool. When Shyamalan nails a shot he nails a shot, and Ishana certainly caught on to any lessons in that regard. There's a couple emotional moments that I felt like were better than 90% of all other Shyamalan movies. And the acting is... uh... mostly better than M. Night movies. (Honestly it dips in and out of quality but M. Night has pulled a good performance like twice in his whole career so I'm letting Ishana have this one.) The character writing is definitely better than M. Night movies. No one is written to be "quirky". I guess the lead keeps talking to a bird but that made me laugh so whatever. There is also some pretty interesting imagery from time to time too. The forest they shoot in for most of the movie is very pretty.

What I Didn't Like.

Holy shit, where to even begin with this one. It is amazing to me that a movie can be, simultaneously, so bad it is funny, so drawn out I was begging for the movie end, and only two hours long. Pretty much every aspect of this movie is inconsistent in some way. The acting is fine sometimes, and sometimes it's the ol' wooden Shyamalan special. The characters aren't quirky, but they do act stupid sometimes for no reason. I'm getting really tired of writers taking the Lovecraft shortcut for their monsters. Y'know, all they have to do is say "Looking upon them will destroy your mind!" or "Erode your sanity!" or some other bullshit that means they don't have to design a monster. The Watchers are shown in some capacity but, uh, well... While some of the imagery in the movie was interesting, but the effects wildly range in quality. Not even on the lines of the type of effect. Some CGI effects look good and others terrible. Some of the practical effects are cool and others are so bad you can almost see the tape and wires. They fake a computer screen (for some reason I couldn't fathom) and it literally looks like a cartoon layered on top of a real computer. The worst part about the movie, however, is the script. The script is almost TRAGIC in how bad it is. You thought I was joking when I said the sequel to this movie is jammed into the last 45 minutes of this one, but I wasn't. The characters escape the forest, with the twist about what the Watchers are revealed, and then it goes on about another layer to the Watchers' agenda and there's a SECOND TWIST and it's all just so completely unnecessary! All Shyamalan twists are unnecessary, but to talk about it we need to move on to the part of the review where I tear apart every M. Night Shyamalan movies' twists.

The Part Of The Review Where I Tear Apart Every M. Night Shyamalan Movies' Twists.

There is a channel on YouTube called Overly Sarcastic Productions, or OSP. They make really good content, and my favorite is a show of theirs called Trope Talk. In the Trope Talk about plot twists, the host, Red, broke down the four ways a plot twist can fail. I'm going to steal that categorization to explain why all Shyamalan twists don't work. Here's the break down: The twist contradicts canon or generally makes no sense when considered, the twist is more boring than the non-twist option, and the the twist has no meaningful impact on the plot. There is fourth failure where the twist isn't as clever as the writer thinks it is, but that is literally every Shyamalan twist, so I'm instead replacing it with the twist is super obvious. If you want a more detailed run down I highly recommend watching the OSP video. Then the rest of the Trope Talk series. Then all of OSP's other videos. They make really cool and interesting content.

Anyway, I'm now going to go over every movie directed by a Shyamalan since the Sixth Sense, plus Devil because that movie is fucking stupid and is basically an M. Night movie that he just didn't direct.

The Sixth Sense: Roan, you are not about to shit talk the Sixth Sense. That movie is a classic! The twist is iconic and the best M. Night Twist there is! ...Yeah, everyone told me that before I saw the movie. Honestly, the only great thing about Sixth Sense is Haley Joel Osment's performance. The problem with the twist of the Sixth Sense is that the movie has to make up a bunch of bullshit to justify it. Ghosts perceive reality in the way they want to, so they can't see other ghosts and Bruce Willis makes himself think his marriage is failing and it's just a big load of nonsense! Yeah! I said it!

Unbreakable: Okay, time for me to fess up. I keep saying every Shyamalan twist is terrible, but there are actually 2 that I think work. And Unbreakable is one of them. This is the only M. Night movie where thinking about it doesn't completely unravel the film. So I won't spoil, since this the only Shyamalan movie I have seen that I like.

Signs: Why the fuck do people like this movie? I don't think that the twist of the Aliens being highly allergic to water ruins the movie. It's completely stupid and is a lame Deus Ex Machina to wrap up the movie, but the movie was bad before that point. Wait, Roan, haven't you heard the theory that the Aliens in Signs are actually Demons? First of all, that doesn't change the movie pulled a boring solution to the plot out of its ass. Second, this just makes allegory of the movie more obvious and stupid. Third, again, the movie was bad before the twist ending. Do you remember how M. Night wrote and directed those kids?

The Village: We're now moving on to movies I haven't seen. The twist of the Village is, infamously, the first this your mind thinks of when you hear the premise. The setting is a medieval village in the middle of nowhere and you're correct it's actually modern day. Not only does this not connect to the movie at all (you find this out at pretty much the end of the movie and all the characters decide to just ignore the fact that they know the twist) but I would argue a movie about an isolated medieval village having to deal with wood monsters is way more interesting whatever the fuck the ending of this movie was supposed to be.

Lady in the Water: Okay this one was difficult to parse out from just reading the Wikipedia plot synopsis but basically the plot of this movie seems to a massive prophecy and the twist is the people who thought they were one role in the prophecy were actually another. I mean... This just seems pointless. Most people who have seen the movie say that this twist is just in the movie so that there is a twist in the movie, but I'm also going to say it is nonsensical because reading the plot summery gave me a migraine.

The Happening: The Happening is a special kind of twist in which the twist is there is no twist. That could be interesting if it was in literally any other movie. But the explanation of the Happening is that the trees just decided to release a gas that makes humans suicidal. Really dumb, really boring, really obvious.

The Last Airbender: You may not remember, but the twist of the Last Airbender is that the Avatar isn't supposed to kill people. He's just supposed to be a icon, or something? Like every aspect of that movie, it's incredibly poorly done, so a lot of people don't even realize there is a twist in this movie. But there is. The fascinating case for this movie is that the exact opposite scenario plays on in the cartoon, so we know how boring and dumb this twist is. Also, the hero of the movie has a rule not to kill anyone? I don't know about you guys, but I assume that in every movie I go into until I'm proven wrong.

Devil: The last Shyamalan movie I've seen before the Watchers, Devil is dumb as hell! It seems like every other idea M. Night has would be better if there wasn't a twist in it, and Devil is an exemplar example. A thriller about a bunch of random people being killed one by one while stuck in a faulty elevator? Awesome idea! The culprit being the devil ruins it. Also the twist is that the old lady who dies early in the movie is the Devil and this movie has the same bullshit that the Sixth Sense has where they just make up a bunch of shit to justify the twist.

After Earth: My favorite part of the obvious twists is that they almost always are given away by the title of the movie. The twist of After Earth is it was Earth all along. This has like nothing to do with the plot either. It makes no different whether Jaiden Smith is running around on a future Earth or an alien planet.

The Visit: This is the other twist I think works. Probably. I haven't seen the Visit, and frankly, I won't ever watch it. But the twist seems to make sense, it has bearing on the plot, and isn't obvious or boring.

Split: Split being a secret sequel to Unbreakable doesn't really change the plot of the actual movie at all. I haven't seen it, maybe the rest of the movie is good, but I feel like audiences might have tapered their enjoyment of the rest of the movie since Glass sucks by most accounts. But even if it didn't would it matter? It's not until M. Night puts those characters into that next movie does it play into anything.

Glass: By most accounts, Glass sucks. Again, haven't seen it but the twist of it was the Illuminati all along is really stupid. It is also an incredibly lazy way to avoid characterizing your villains. Seriously, faceless organizations that can just do whatever they want because "they control everything" are so tiresome as a concept. I get that some people are stupid enough to think that's a real thing, but maybe we'd have less of them if movies would stop making all their bad guys shadowy masters of everything. I'm also tempted to put this twist in the obvious category, since the character who is trying to convince a guy who can crawl on walls that he doesn't have superpowers is trying to suppress public knowledge of superpowers, but I'll cut Glass a break since that seems to be dependent on how they explain it in the movie.

Old: The twist in Old is that the beach that makes you old is controlled by the pharmaceutical industry so they can run trial tests on humans really fast. This yet another villain that has all the power and can just do whatever they want because they cover up anything they want, but with the additional problem that the mechanics of the beach itself are completely contradictory and inconsistent. Plus it just exists to give a convenient wrap up for the plot. I'd say sticking to the graphic novel's ambiguity would have saved this movie, but from what I heard happens in the movie, I don't think that's possible.

Knock at the Cabin: Dave Batista was right all along and one of the gay couple should've killed themselves, their partner, or their kid. I hate this twist because it feels weirdly manipulative and kinda homophobic. I'm sure it's unintentional in the actual movie, but like, dude. The world is gonna end unless we kill one of you? That is literally an insane belief. The fact that killing a minority is the answer is pretty gross. But Roan, it's because their love was just so pure. You realize how patronizing that is to real queer people, right? Plus, again, why is just having a thriller about these characters being chased around by a cult in a cabin not good enough? YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT A TWIST IN EVERY MOVIE M. NIGHT!

And finally, we get to the Watchers. Both of its twists are bad for different reasons, so let's start with the obvious one. The Watchers are fairies. Changelings to be specific, and they are observing humans so that they can learn from them to eventually become them. This doesn't really have any significant change to the plot, it just makes the monster something we recognize. It makes it extra annoying that the movie goes for the humans can't comprehend them gambit when humans have literally been doing that for thousands of years EVEN IN THE STORY ITSELF, but then we brush up against the second twist. After the humans escape the fairy forest they have to go destroy this professor's fairy research, and it turns out that the old lady who knew all the rules about the fairies was a fairy herself! Gasp, what a- Wait does this mean she was lying about how the changelings work the whole time? And the literal hour of exposition that we got from her was entirely POINTLESS? The bigger problem with this twist is that it is pretty much the reason the ending of this movie is dragged out as long as it does.

Final Summation.

I'm honestly split here. The Watchers is an awful movie. But not only is about half of it so bad it's hilarious, but I don't really want this movie to do badly. My honest recommendation is to get kinda drunk, watch this movie to the part where they leave the forest, then stop watching. But does that mean I recommend or reject the movie? Perhaps this calls for an addition to my categorization. I am please to declare that The Watchers is the first Recojected Movie! This is basically gonna be any movie where you should see part of the movie, but definitely not the entire thing. Or a bad movie that I still think should have financial support. I'm narrowly defining it because I don't want to use this categorization too often.

Well, if there is one bright side to this whole debacle, it's that there won't be another Shyamalan project this year. The man takes his time with his ideas, he only releases once a year usu- Wait what that?

OH GOD DAMN IT.

[the-gothic-assassin]

I've seen lots of Neema x Kassandra edits going around. Where are Natakas x Alexios edits?

[yumi-tamura-fan]

My top 3 90's shojo manga reccomendations (I'll try to keep them spoiler free as possible)

1.Basara by Yumi Tamura (27 volumes)

Synopsis from Viz: Basara is a post-apocalyptic fantasy adventure series and one of the most popular shôjo manga of the 90s in Japan. It is the story of how a young girl becomes "the child of destiny" and finds the strength to free her people and seek revenge for the death of her brother.

Basara is a story that can't be classified into just one genre. It's a romance of course, but it could fit also fit into other genres such as fantasy or adventure, as well as tragedy. There's bloody battles throughout the manga, as well as political corruption and even pirate fights! It might sound like a shonen manga but we also get romance, forbidden romance at that. Think Romeo and Juliet. We get to see star crossed lovers fight for what they think is right all the while not knowing each others identities. Everyone in the series is fleshed out, with motivations, wants and needs. By the time you reach the end of the series, even the smallest characters will have you feeling for them.

The only criticism I can give is the art at the beginning of the series is subpar, but the quality of it picks up quickly and by the end of the series the author's art is undeniably gorgeous. My all time favorite shojo manga and whether you can hunt down all the out of print series like me (it took forever) or read the scans online, I think almost anyone would be drawn in to this series.

Red River by Chie Shinohara (28 volumes)

Synopsis from Viz: Yuri, a pretty Japanese girl, is ecstatic after passing her college entrance exam and having her first kiss with her childhood friend-turned boyfriend. However, her luck soon changes. She starts to notice that water becomes agitated whenever she goes near it. One night, hands appear out of a puddle on the street and drag her into the water! Transported to an ancient village in the Middle East, she is then captured by armed troops and taken to the Queen's palace for a human sacrifice. Adventure and good-looking boys fill this great first volume!

I've always been fascinated by Ancient Egypt so this manga was right up my ally. It has beautiful art, an intriguing story, and unique side characters. I also didn't hate the fact that the author dropped details and facts about history into the manga.

Overall it's an amazing historal manga, with just enough action as there is romance. I would encourage anyone who enjoys history to check out this title (most likely through online scans as it is out of print).

Angel Sanctuary by Kaori Yuki (20 volumes)

Synopsis from Viz: Why is Setsuna so mixed up? Despite his attempts to be noble, he'll fight anyone anytime; he ignores all authority; and he harbors feelings for his sister that can only be described as "incestuous." Why is he such a mess? The reason may be found with two demons from the underworld and their enemy, an insane angel who is distributing an insidious computer game called Angel Sanctuary.

Angel Sanctuary is about a female angel who rebelled against God, and in turn had her soul separated from her body, and sent to earth to endure tragic human lives until the end of time. The female angel currently inhabits the body of a teenage boy who is troubled by the love he has for his sister. Like Flowers in the Attic, incest is a common theme throughout it, however, it is never fetishized nor glamorized, and we don't see that much of the physical side of it (just go with it and it will all make sense in the end). The sinful love isn't the only focus, as there are also demons, sword battles, even angels with guns, as well as plenty of interesting side characters that add to the story.

I will say that the first few volumes are slightly mediocre, but Kaori Yuki quickly picks up in the later volumes, and by the time I finished the series, I could say it was one of the best ones I've ever read. I've never read a 20 volume manga series as fast as I have this one.

I wouldn't recommend Angel Sanctuary to everyone, since it has a warped view on religion, as well as incest, drugs, murder and genocide. But all in all, it's a excellent series for those with an open mind who enjoy beautifully drawn series with a complicated plot.

[clownkiwi]

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