#and most of them didnt even know any games other than the obvious ones like monopoly

[kimmkitsuragi]

i was like "i shouldn't be petty over such a silly thing" but no im actually still annoyed by this. why did these people even come to a Board Game Event if they don't like playing games ??? "i came here to just talk and meet new people haha" GO TO A PUB OR A BAR OR SOMETHING??? stop invading the introvert spaces smh

[fairykazu]

is he a dog or a cat? with childe masterlist ++ cw: this is f!reader but can be read as gn, crushing && requited feelings.

the way he trailed behind you like a lost puppy during lunch; it almost made you feel pity for him. key word, almost. whatever he tried to pull during english today wasn't cool but you didn't mind it. but the way, he's acting behind you, he instantly regretted it.

but if you think about it, childe’s like a dog, fiercely loyal to the bone and willing to do anything to prove himself. he’s kind of stupid, not in a bad way of course. it’s just sometimes he acts without thinking, swinging his fists instead of using words as a weapon. other times he’s more akin to an orange cat with the way he acts, it’s like he turns off his brain whenever he hangs out with you. 

you remember when you two were playing a game of hide and seek, in your defense, he started it! he bet he could’ve found you within a minute. could he? yes, but that’s beside the point, he attacked your honor! you juked him by running to a fork, throwing a rock at a dead end and running in the opposite direction. when he reached the forked alleyway, he heard the rock in the other side, running at the speed of light. then he knocked his head against the dead end. but did you win? 

yes, that’s the most important part (an obvious lie).

…childe was fine after he hit his head of course, after you rushed towards him, helping him up. he sat on the cement floors as you circle around him with questions, checking if he was bleeding. “ajax, are you okay?” 

he was smiling like a cheeky dog, basking in the attention you gave him. if food wasn't something he'd consume, affection would definitely be his go-to. “of course, i am when you’re with me.” 

he chuckled as you rolled your eyes, punching him playfully in the arms, "okay, from that reaction, you seem to be in good shape to me."

he let out a gasp. he fixed up his attitude, immediately switching his personality from being cheeky to being solemn, tearful even. "oh, name! my forehead hurts so bad."

you tilted your head, well, it's better to play along with his antics than to ignore them. otherwise, he'd keep it up. "oh no." you dryly replied, "do you need a kiss for your boo-boo?"

childe looked up in your direction, breaking his character a bit. he was stuttering out, his freckled cheeks flustered, "really?" he cleared his throat. "i mean, ahem, i believe thats the best way for me to heal."

"really?"

it was clear that childe wouldn't believe that you would go with the kiss. but as always, he knew if he riled you up enough, bruise your ego to prove him wrong, it could happen.

maybe... well, he hopes. "...yepp!"

“if you say so, ajax.” 

he was flustered to the point his neck reddened, he didnt think it would be this easy. you leaned in close and he squeezed his eyes. but it wasn’t even a kiss, just a brief press against his skin but still he stumbled around his words, “thank you… that would surely, i mean, i know that confidently that would certainly– i mean, i know that would make me heal.” 

he’s trying to play it off as cool but internally, he knew he fumbled so bad. who says that? 

“uh-huh, c’mere, let me take you to the nurse.” 

“oh okay!” 

huh… well, he’s kind of a mix of those animals. but how do you describe that? would he be that one show, dog-cat or cat-dog?  youve seen him in a different light before but he rarely shows you what that side looks like. only once you’ve seen him as the fearful delinquent and never again.

“childe, why are you following me? don’t you have other friends?” you asked, turning your heel to stop abruptly, facing him. thankfully the road you took to go home doesn't have any crowds. otherwise, this situation could be taken in the worst way possible. childe rested his head on your shoulder, you could feel the ambience to dampen as you met his ocean eyes. 

he looked back at you, “well, name, your bodyguard is here to protect you.” 

dog. 

you rolled your eyes, “really, thats your excuse.” 

his gaze only stayed on you, “mhm, and as your bodyguard, you need to be safer around these parts.” 

“so you’re a cowboy now.” 

“no? well, i just want to say something.” 

okay, maybe a cat? 

“go on.” 

“you know in english where i acted… weird..” oh yeah, you remember now. if you recall, he was acting off. more flirty than normal, did you hate it? not exactly… but does he really need to know that? not right now. 

“there was this group of guys who were talking about you like you were an object as if you were just the girl of the week. so that’s why i was acting like we were dating. and don’t worry, i did use my words…” 

“that’s cute of you but you also fought them didn’t you?” 

“you called me cute?” 

“that’s what you focused on???” 

“that’s besides the point, you think im cuteeee.” 

“sure whatever you want.” 

he’s a dog that’s for sure. 

[daraku-ou]

ok ok i wanna talk about this at length and not on twitter where i can say like three sentences but i think a lot about how femt will sit around and say how humanity is just awful and disgusting but theres SO many times he seems to be rooting for them. like here how he Let Leo Go. he just let him leave. "he said he didnt wanna play so yknow. He Left." and he yells about how Of Course Hes Not Gonna Kill Leo. leo was so important to stopping the second collapse and femt just let him leave and then when he explained this to despair who is like Dude Why Didnt You Kill Him Or Leave Him There femt seems to be pretty genuinely concerned about despairs wellbeing and. general depression.

then there's in the ova where it's most obvious. hes running around trying to stop this restaurant from being destroyed which Just So Happens to have libra in it. tells leo to forget he was ever there. "i dont need a reason to help them out" femt i am shaking u

and THEN !!! theres curious. curious is fascinating to me for several reasons but i think its really interesting that femt seemingly shows up for no other reason than to Get Curious. wants to take him home for whatever reasons (i have thoughts on this but its too much so maybe another post). but then they immediately start fighting and it really seems like femt is just trying to keep curious preoccupied, buying time for libra to do something. he doesn't really have any reason to get into a petty fight with curious. then when curious is about to attack steven and klaus, femt IMMEDIATELY gets eve and odd to attack him which leaves them in pieces, ultimately ending up letting steven klaus and chain get the upper hand. and then femt just Leaves.

AND THE CALAMITY AUCTION !!! my favorite femt scene. pretends to be the president to break klaus out of jail as hes the only one who can really do anything about whats going on. and later when hes revealed to be the "president" klaus is surprised that someone like femt would even bother to get involved, cuz why WOULD he get involved?? hes constantly saying how worthless humanity is but here he is, actively trying to help. this pisses femt off who attacks briefly but just. Leaves. Again. destroys all the cameras in the room too. god forbid he be seen trying to help out a bad situation

which brings me to the light novel!! as i've said i've been translating it and theres a lot of interesting things. femt talks about how he feels extremely isolated from humanity and when people try to get information from him he just cant understand why they would ever want to be him or have what he has, cuz he clearly has..... Lots Of Issues! it's almost like he's so worried about what will happen to humanity if he isn't there to save them or on the other side of that he has to keep. testing humanity or something. he puts them through his games but even libra admits that theres a line he wont cross. they prefer to deal with him over Other Threats because while hes mass murdering lunatic he still wont. you know. Kill Everyone. unlike curious. i think femt and curious are being set up as foils and i have lots of thoughts on this but theres just too much to say about those two...

tldr i think femt cares a lot more about those around him than he would ever let anyone know. yeah he'll murder hundreds of people but the second hes faced with someone in person that he cant just pretend is part of this vague crude idea of humanity he has in his head its like something clicks in his brain that this is a Real Person and now he suddenly cares. he seems to have this recurring idea of humanity killing themselves or being unable to save themselves which leads him to Extreme Violence and when he helps its like he doesnt want to admit that he cares in some way. hes constantly distancing himself from everyone and i think he should go to therapy <3

[elftwink]

my toxic trait is that i can't listen to those "GM/DM from hell" ttrpg horror stories because i almost always agree with the GM even if they're being extremely unreasonable because at least 80% of the time it's immediately obvious that the entire table is trash and the GM put up with it for a saintly amount of time before snapping and now the players have to crawl to reddit to be validated, where they will be validated because any GM who wont take a bullet for their players and then suck their dick is lazy and selfish, obviously!!

for example one "unreasonable" rule ive seen floating around abt dnd is "you have to act out all charisma checks" and look. i am aware at least some DMs with this rule are trying to be the next Matt Mercer and want you to play the part of the next Sam Riegel, damn your comfort and either of your skill levels and capabilities. this should obviously be addressed with exactly what the DM expects and why; after all, they don't make you do a backflip for an acrobatics check

BUT. but. imagine, if you will. you're the DM. your players come to a tavern. you describe a bunch of NPCs and wait for players to instigate roleplay. one of them rolls a die without asking you and then says "I want to seduce the innkeeper. I rolled an 18"

"ok," you say, (even though they should have just said what they did and waited for you to ask them for a skill check) because you're a good DM and you roll with the punches, "cool. what do you say to her?"

"uhm. I rolled an 18."

"ok yeah but what do you say. like what happens. what do you want the outcome to be"

"im seducing her. I rolled to seduce. I got 18"

"okay I know— you know seduction is not a skill right? whatever. what happens?"

"I dunno, you're the DM. I rolled an 18 though"

you now have a couple choices. you can continue trying to coax this player into roleplay, and risk the table think you are denying them the success of the roll (a roll you didnt even ask them to make), or you can sigh and say "okay fine. you seduce the innkeeper. you retreat to your quarters after dinner" even though this isn't fun for you and is barely fun for anyone else, including the player in question who stopped caring about the specifics the second they saw a high roll.

NOW imagine this happens several times a session, at least.

this is a fairly common occurrence at most tables, mostly due to lack of skill and comfort with roleplay, but it can happen to anyone who just isnt feeling 100% that day for any reason. im extremely fortunate to have DMed at tables where prompts like "and what do you say" actually do kick-start roleplay, and when it doesn't we're all comfortable enough to take a pause and try to figure out what we want from the scene, if anything. some sessions may be full on dialogue and others just quick narration depending on what the party wants to focus on and if they feel like getting into roleplay that day. & because I know what my players want, it's way easier to nudge them in that direction, and I don't get any resistance because we understand we share a common goal.

but if this were to happen at my table frequently when I was less experienced, with players who internalize the players vs DM antagonism rife in so many dnd spaces, where my attempts to direct the game were belittled or ignored but also where every single player had to be fucking micromanaged in order to keep the game rolling... i also might deal with this by putting my foot down and saying "if you don't roleplay a charisma check, you do not get to make a roll". to me this is not rules tyranny. this is a desperate attempt to get players to actually play the fucking game with you rather than chat and fuck around at your expense, wasting your time and all the time you spent prepping. & that is why, your Honor, my client pleads NOT GUILTY!!! and furthermore the defense would like to state that this whole case is projection on the part of the plaintiffs and should have been thrown out long before getting to court.

(i will say. if you're a DM and you find yourself making extremely specific, borderline unreasonable house rules to deal with your party's antics, especially if the impact is to just make them use the RAW, you need to find a new table. yes even if you're friends. doubly so actually. your friendship will survive you quitting DMing for them. it may not survive the blowout fight you'll end up having if you continue trying to pretend that shit doesn't bother you.)

[space-spaghetti-s-universe]

Why Pokemon Legends: Z-A Should Not put any focus on AZ:

I don't know if this is an unpopular opinion but with the Pokemon Legends: Z-A announcement and all the discussion about it. for some reason so many of you can only talk about AZ. and honestly i hope we get nothing about him.

i hope he doesn't appear at all, if hes mentioned its about the history of Kalos and he never interacts with the player.

AZ's story is over, we got his backstory, his lasting effects on Kalos, and reunited him with Floette. there is nothing left to his story arc. his major role was being the explanation for how Team Flare got a super weapon. that's it. AZ has so much presence in the fandom even though he appears like 3 times in game and thats enough. hes not a major player in the game! he's a sad dishevelled man, cursed because he did genocide cuz he thought it would somehow get him his floette back. and by the end of the game he's repented, his superweapon is destroyed for good this time, and he reunites with Floette.

please note how broken up this man is that he finally reunited with his beloved pokemon.

AZ is only ever brought up when people want to discuss their wild fan theories or to salivate of "The Lore" as if AZ's actually done anything that wasnt dealt with in X&Y. Did his super weapon make the Area Zero crater? no because the Area Zero crater in 6 million years old -did you not go to the history class? What was AZ doing for 3 thousand years? after he got imortality he mostly moped and wandered cuz mass genocide didnt get him his Floette back. what happend to Kalos in that time? Kalos moved on? most of this "Lore" is either obvious, addressed in universe or absolutly not game changing! In my opinion: any poketuber talking about how AZ should info dump about what he did during his 3000 year mope are idiots who want a history textbook more than they actually want a pokemon game. and their reading comprehension sucks.

this is a bit of a tangent but i gotta get this off my chest: some of this focus on AZ is because some fans only want the opportunity to catch his unique floette. because you people are weird and must have everything for yourselves, i guess. I find it strange and bizzare that so many people are desperate to take this man's partner pokemon at all. like why? cuz its a unique floette? i don't really get it. I've seen so many pokemon youtubers who are desperate to talk about how they hope PL:Z-A will let them catch Floette and im sorry but do you(these poketubers) not understand pokemon? pokemon is about bonds and friendship and you want to break this one up because he has a special pokemon? have you people been watching and playing the same Pokemon i have!?

... anyway.

moving on, PL:Z-A is going to be focused on Lumiose City, on either its construction or some other aspect of it. AZ should not be involved at all, first its cuz AZ is still in his moping phase pre X&Y and will be until the events of X&Y. secondly because Lumiose is a modern city and AZ only affected changes during his reign as king, yanno 3000+ years ago? and thirdly, its called pokemon legends: Z-A. not ZA like some people keep reporting, the hyphen is important.

its not just AZ backwards, its an acronym Z-A. whether Z-A stands for Zygarde is up in the air, i mean the font choice points in that direction but who knows. either way i dont think PL:Z-A is gonna be about AZ at all and why would it Lumiose is about looking to the future and the trailer highlights this, why would they spend time looking to the ancient past in the game that in all likelyhood is gonna be about innovating and advancing into the future! and AZ is characterized by clinging to the past and not moving on!

In conclusion, I hope AZ doesnt appear in Pokemon Legends: Z-A, his story was complete in X&Y and theirs nothing to expand on that would be actually interesting to the majority of players.

[molqr]

the ask game. can we get the soy

of courseeee you can its always spy pussy indulgence hour here. or however the meme goes. smiles face

this is loooowwwngg so im putting it under a cut for any poor fucker who may stumble upon it when they open the app lmfao. thanks for the ask mr musichead aka heavy tf2's husband. grins

how i feel about this character - gestures to bio and pfp and everything about me. god. im sick in the head about her. i originally didnt like spy all that much but, like a horrible mold, he grew on me when i realised that while he claims to be better than everybody else, he really isnt. maybe even a bit worse, and god, isnt that just the funniest, stupidest fucking thing ever. have you heard some of those voice lines, shes a fucking clown. anyway. i love spy tf2 but also dear god i hate him. if he was real i'd throw a brick at him and then kiss him. terrible choice really but i wouldnt have it any other way. thank you shithead frenchman with terrible horrible problems i like to study. as for a more comprehensive thing though: i really do just think spy is interesting. i think its weird and fascinating that hes so put together and so off-putting all at once. i love thinking about what happened between him and scout's mother. i like making him a pathetic absentee father. i like that he has identity issues. i like that i can make her a woman. that spy can be a bit of a wreck and extremely put together at the same time, that when a character wants to keep everything a secret, any information you have on them feels personal. i like it when spy is written the way thick fog feels. oh and did i mention i desire him most horribly. id assume thats obvious by now. spy is like a rubix cube to me. a boring little square who i regretfully want to shoot my shot at piecing together despite the fact i am not good at puzzles.

all the people i ship romantically with this character - ME MOTHERFUCKER!! kiddinggg. well. its true, but heres a better answer. tf2 is like the yaoi franchise to me, and spy is the most yaoiful of all simply because i specifically want to suck face with him, therefore, i make him suck face with many others. gay, i know. i fuck with most spy ships really, as long as theyre Good then i'll give them a shot. engiespy and sniperspy are classic general go-tos, but well written spoovy? yummmm my fucking dinnaaarrr. i also think that demospy and soldierspy can be fun if gotten right, and pyrospy just because i think it's really fucking funny. oh right and of course spyma. christ. they make me feel sickkk and one of them is barely even a proper character. sad. endlessly intruiged by their love nonetheless <3 still gotta write a fic for them sometime, i want to chew on em like a dog with a bone.

my non-romantic otp for this character - while i did literally just mention spoovy lmfao, i also just like it when heavy and spy are just close friends. they have many layers! im a sucker for the idea of spy knowing russian and that's how they start talking. i think they'd be teerrrribllleee gossips it'd be great. heavy never thought he'd be glad nobody else on the base can speak russian until he started gossiping with spy about the things hes seen on base. i know they talk sooo much shiiittttt. they probably have a bookclub too. // i also really like it when spy and pauling get to be friends, i feel like they entered some sort of understanding that while its paulings job to kill him if he keeps on snooping around, spy is going to snoop around anyway and just hope that when it happens, pauling kills him painlessly. but thats all theoreticals, right now they're talking about nothing- both kind of infuriating and relaxing for the both of them- while disposing of corpses. yknow, people who acknowledge that they might hate eachother in a slightly different world but right now they're friends because they realised overworked, tired, definitely too smart for this but still here anyway style bitches have to stick together. i think about the 'youve lied for her then?' 'oh! uh! not to you of course!' ' ,':I mhm...' interaction a lot. spy doesnt take it personally because she knows thats just paulings job, shes not surprised. she gets to be annoyed about it though, and will then do the same thing to pauling. i like their friendship. smilllessss.

my unpopular opinion about this character - i originally couldnt think of something to say in regards to spy but then it hit me like a flash of lightning. i think people make too much dark spyhead content. and i dont understand acting like the blu spy is better than the red one when theyre the same lady. back on the head though. like i cant lie i have a paticularly weakness for it at times but theres So Much Hard Angst. and it usually makes medic overly sadistic and horrible about it when i know thats not the case. 'but he kept him alive in the fridge!' says a theoretical hater. engineer was smiling when he blew of a guys arm in meet the engineer. soldier cuts off the blu teams heads and collects them. truly you can make near everything shit scary about these guys, but i just want to see more silly spyhead stuff if its going to be done so much. not to say i hate it perse i think its really fun, it just veers really heavily into overly sadistic torture stuff really fast?? my feeling on it is 'guy who watches cartoon violence and says what the fuck thats so fucked up what the hell hes dead you just hit him with a huge hammer' or something. its meant to be silly and i get wanting to have a dark spin on it, you cant forget its still silly at its core. i feel like ive complained about this before. anyway. lollipop chainsaw his ass! let him get back at medic but not in a paticularly sinister way! like, i dunno, dyeing all his birds an ugly shade of green or something. this seems more like me complaining about a trope of spy uhhh whats something more general about him as a character. errr. hes not as put together as it might seem? i think he'd be a bit more bloodthirsty about killing people when its not neccesary on missions and its just gross and weird? that people need to like, play into his grossness a bit more because hes wearing a full piece suit on a battlefield i know hes gross and sweaty. oh and that he wouldnt try to parent scout once he(scout) figures out theyre related because scout is 27 and doesnt give a fuck anymore. spy would sorta feel the need to from guilt but scout doesnt want that father-son relationship with spy because its too late and too weird. its just that spy is trying to project almost thirty years of feelings by imagining his son needs a father in his life as much as spy wanted his son in his life. but its too late. is that an unpopular opinion? idk. i just like making spy more torn up about the absentee father issue than scout is because i think its true. yeagh. out of all of them i feel like this is relatively tame in the 'unpopular opinions' levels. i have way more hot takes about the others. shruggssss

one thing i wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon - more making fun of him. stomping on his ego. being afraid of pyro for no reason. acting like a weird cat. acting like he hates hanging out with the others when its obvious hes having fun deep down. getting to be a weirdo. i need to see what the finale of the 'pretends to be tom jones while scout is dying' thing is. my prediction is that soldiers going to talk about killing tom jones in comic 7 and scout goes WHAT!! BUT HE WAS THERE WHEN I DIED!! and it all comes piecing together and spy has a Horrible day. if it was up to me i'd get to see more of spy and scout's ma on dates too or something because i think theyre really cute. i want more people to mention he smells bad because of the cigarette breath and to have him wheezing and coughing and spluttering after every 5 breaths. can medic have an organ transplant hall of shame with 3 pairs of spys shrivelled lungs? please.

anyway. im very normal about The Soy.

i had to do something like this or id die. xoxo

oh and the ask game itself x <- behold

[layzeal]

What are some of the things that are ace codesd abt wwx? I don’t hear much abt and and am curious!

HIII, okay so as always, "coded" isn't really the right word since it implies authorial intent, but i often use it anyway bc who cares it's my blog. just know i don't think wwx is actually canonically supposed to be demi, it's just a headcanon from silly ol' me!

i do have a #demi-wwx tag you can check if u'd like too hehe

now, what makes wwx come off as SO incredibly acespec/demisexual for me is his approach to... well, relationships in his first life. he's a flirt! he likes teasing people! he likes watching them blush! he likes getting a reaction! but as lwj questions him in the xuanwu cave about, it all seems like very much a game to him, something he does without actual intention, unaware of the torment he might be putting others (lwj) through

i often see people say that wwx didn't date or that wangxian didnt get together in his first life because "they had other things going on" and "there was no time", but that's not only innacurate to post-sunshot, it genuinely comes off to me as if wwx simply has no romantic or sexual interest in anyone at all. granted, he has an eye for pretty things and people, and is VERY vocal about whenever he finds others beautiful. lwj is a common target, but far from the only one!

basically, for as loud as flirty as he can be, we know that's never really genuine. there's no second-intentions or desire in his words (hell, he had even been saving first first kiss for twenty years!!), even when it comes to lwj. and the way we know it is by comparing it all to how he acts, thinks and feels after he's ACTUALLY experiencing attraction for the first time!

but what does have to do with him being demi? and what makes, in my mind, wwx so much more demi coded than lwj for example, whose entire romantic arc is only falling in love with one person?

well, that would be that despite the way it's been romanticized, demisexuality has nothing to do with "only falling in love once". devotion isn't acespec exclusive, choosing to love a single person in your life isn't acespec exclusive. demisexuality is simply a term to describe the specific conditions a relationship might need for an asexual person to experience attraction. those conditions? a strong emotional bond (which is why so many demi ppl are described as "only being able to fall in love with your best friend")

and to me, that's what sells wwx as demisexual the most. he's had so many friends, classmates, xiongdi, and all sorts of companions in his life, but none of them were particularly... emotionally fulfilling. other than perhaps shijie, who he saw more like a mother and sister, there was no one else who he could truly lean on and trust, open up, and be vulnerable with. for many people, that's not a barrier that gets in the way of developing romantic or sexual interest in someone at all, and that's great!! (we see it with lwj himself, who spent so many of his teenage years frustrated for liking wwx and had to slowly realize why that wasn't shameful or a bad thing. lwj's attraction not only came before there was any significant bond between them, it directly blocked it from forming earlier due to lwj's constant avoidance of wwx!)

but for demi people, and for wei wuxian, it is a barrier. it's almost comical just how fast and deeply wwx fell in love with lwj once he opened up to him. it is the most visible in wwx's second life, but i do find there are inklings here and there to it in his first, especially after wwx and lwj get to spend some pleasant time together (ie. post-phoenix mountain and post-yiling date with a-yuan)

but it really does become the most obvious after the yi city arc (drunkji 2 my belovedddd). by that point, their friendship and closeness was already solid, and wwx is already crushing HARD, but isn't quite aware of it yet. it isn't until post-jinlitai stab (and his flashback to his and lwj's youth, how they fell apart and how lwj was only ever worried for him) that he starts pondering if these feelings might be... more than just fondness. and boy do i eat it UUUUUP

it wasn't until wei wuxian got that reassurance of trust and closeness that his feelings truly started to develop. i genuinely cannot imagine a wei wuxian who falls in love with someone who he genuinely believes hates him, and it's actually something i believe stopped wwx from developing deep feelings for lwj in his first life. we know how much all his rejections and their disagreements hurt wwx, and in the back of his mind, he always thought lwj disapproved of him, maybe even disliked him. there was no trust, and it smothered any small, warm little inkling of romantic love from sparking into a flame

so when wwx finds himself with a lwj who is indulgent, who wants to be close, who protects him, comforts him, listens to him, and won't ever let him fall... well, you can't blame him for daydreaming about a calm farm life by his side, or being embarrassed for acting so shameless while still pretending to be mxy, or wishing from the bottom of his heart that even if lwj doesn't love him back, he'll still stay next to him

he only ever wanted lwj to be his friend, and now he's the closest and most intimate one he's ever had. and he treats him so well... all the barriers have fallen, how could wei wuxian not fall too?

(and i didnt rly get into it but this all applies to physical attraction as well! wwx behaves and sees lwj's beauty through two different lenses in his first and second life, and wwx himself noticed the difference from when he could see lwj's nakedness back then without batting an eye VS now. it's hilarious, endearing, and EXTREMELY relatable!!)

[strangewiggles]

pathologic furry designs because im a nerd

(aglaya, rubin, and lara, *ft artemy)

i usually dont post uncolored drawings/doodles but i plan on making a few of these

HUGE thanks to my buddies for help/input on these..both are huge brained and awesome at art follow them now

heres the thought process (spoiler free, mostly based on patho 2)

me and my buddies were in a call for all of these and we had a very intellectual conversation about all of them. when looking for furry designs i usually think of personality, mannerisms, and likeness.

Aglaya, Shoebill

both of the friends i asked havent played the game past day 5 (one of them is on day 2) so i asked “what animal would she be” with just a picture of her model. i was interested to see what 2 people who’ve only seen her once (in the intro) would think of her purely on vibes and brief dialogue. the first suggestion was “some kinda bird” and that seemed to stick.

a bit tall, a bit intimidating. so we threw out Herons, Ostriches, Peacocks…

Shoebill seemed to fit. I wanted a bird that was either grey or black, some kinda desaturated color but also one that was tall and a bit scary. Shoebills are definitely considered pretty scary. theyre also super tall and i remember saying in the call "these things are huge if i saw them flying i would cry." when it comes to shoebills, i imagine them towering over most other animals, especially with that neck and beak! they're also ambush predators i believe. shoebills fit Aglaya's first impressions perfectly.

i almost made her a Dalmatian... im glad i didnt...

Rubin, Skinny Pig

I wasn't even going to initially draw Rubin here... it started by me asking "who'd be a naked mole rat?" and the immediate answer was "Rubin..." which made me remember that he was bald LMAO. I figured that fit a little, and the original drawing was him as a naked mole rat. a few things werent quite right though.

first, digging. i cant imagine Rubin as an animal who's entire thing is digging around and being dirty, he's a doctor and, other than blood, i can't imagine he'd wanna be dirty...

second, social groups. as far as i know, naked mole rats are very social within their own circles? just from the early game (as early as the first 3 days?) he's pretty antisocial and seems to have a distaste for the Kin, even if influenced by grief(the emotion not the person). he even seems reluctant to be close to close friends.

and, of course, moles have to be saved for someone else... we'll get there. WINK

..i dont remember how Skinny Pigs came up, i think i was just googling them and thought they were funny since i have a friend who owns some.. i did a bit of googlin and asking my buddy in the call about skinny pig mannerisms.. theyre pretty...territorial? at least males to other males, theyre pretty aggressive as far as i know. this definitely fit Rubin. the OTHER reason for any kind of guinea pig was considered was because of the concept of "test guinea pigs" and not in a literal sense, but just the concept, because of Rubin's connection to Isidor. i will say i felt like the smartest person on earth when i thought of that.

also the cute ears absolutely influenced the decision.

Lara, Generic Ass Wolf

Lara was genuinely so difficult... unlike the other two, there were literally no suggestions being thrown out. my description was something like "maybe something small, cute, short tempered, but social?" and, for some reason, that was a tall order. my first guess was a mouse, but that wasnt perfect... we thought we'd have to turn to bugs and fish, though a lot of bugs and fish are hard to find personalities for.. at a surface level at least. we decided to save bugs and fish for other people...

and then, the suggestion of "wolf" came up, albeit reluctantly. when it comes to furry-fying characters, wolves and dogs are definitely...up there, in terms of "most used/obvious".. but really, think about it.

Believe it or not, wolves can be a little anxious, if not in a way that presents itself as anger/defense. this is also how i described Lara, "anxious in a way that presents as anger." also, wolves, while sometimes being a little solitary, are commonly in packs. which is...Lara's, like, Whole Thing. a house for the living etc etc..

I don't think i need to explain wolves too much either way. theyre The Furry Animal. whatever you know about wolves is probably true for Lara. it seems low-effort but trust me this decision took forever LMAO

and i mean...look at her. she looks like a wolf

*Artemy here is a bull because... yeah. that's the most obvious one. as #1 artemy fan i couldn't in good conscious make him anything other than a bull even if it's low effort idgaf... ill look at types of bulls for him later.

hope you liked my rambles..

[cottoncloud0]

little hope review *SPOILERS*

i was gonna write this ages ago and i literally forgot about this lmao but i promised the two people who are interested in these reviews that i would write another and tbh i find these really fun lol.

(reminder that this review is in no way professional, it is just my personal opinion and a bit of fun)

(side note i will only be talking about the theatrical cut)

PROLOGUE

this prologue was really interesting for me, both parts. i love that they didnt actually show any of the bus driver and it gave a really good mysterious aspect to the town of little hope, especially with the state trooper warning the bus driver about the town.

omg i cant even begin to say how much i enjoyed the second part of the prologue. the character building of the 80s family is so good. it established the dynamics of the group brilliantly without it being too obvious what the actual plot will be. i also likes that it kind of left you in the dark of whats going on, almost connecting itself to the first part of act one.

quick side note, i just learned that the choice you make on how tanya should escape the fire (going down the drainpipe or going through the window) directly affects taylors and tabithas deaths e.g if you chose the drainpipe like i did taylors demon will be the hanged demon and tabitha will be hanged and if you chose the window taylors demon will be the burned demon and tabitha will be burned at the stake.

ACT ONE

if im being completely honest i really didnt like taylor in the beginning lol. but i think thats a good thing. i mean its boring as fuck to play a game where you like every single character and none of them have flaws (this is also why i have a mixed relationship with locked traits but ill talk about that later).

okay lets talk about the pacing. when i first played little hope i thought that by the time i finished act one i thought i had ALSO finished act two. i think that says everything that needs to be said.... but seriously act one was way too long. this seems to be a theme in the early dark pictures games, like i said in my man of medan review.

i do think that the introductions to the characters were done really well though because even though almost of the characters had relationships previously to the game you could still develop or break any of them during the game. even when youre still in the first few chapters you can affect ,for example, taylor and daniels relationship drastically only with a few choices.

(i know this because i accidently got their relationship to like under halfway with like three choices 😭)

ACT TWO

what do you mean the supposed main bit of the story is the shortest section in the game? what do you mean it has less than half of the amount of chapters act one has? WHAT DO YOU MEAN????

in all seriousness, i completely forgot about some of the chapters in this act like 'lost' and 'troubled history' but on the other hand it also gave us one of the most memorable chapters in the game 'surrounded'. this is actually baffling to me because how do you make the most boring sections of the game immediately move onto one of the chapters i enjoyed most? its just quite inconsistent so now in my memory i can only really remember the bus crash, the bridge, the church and the house. and can i just add that only one those segments is in act two, which i think is supposed to be the main part of the story.

although, i did really enjoy the demons in this act and i think the developers did a great job of introducing the demons (the only gripe i have with it is that they were introduced quite late into the story but i think i feel that way because act one was so long and the demons were only introduced in the ending chapter of act one). i feel its a massive improvement to man of medan when they were trying to introduce two threats at the same time with one taking a backseat almost as fast as it was introduced.

i also liked how all the characters got back together about halfway through act two and in a completely natural way as well. it doesnt feel forced or rushed it just feels normal and how i would expect a group of terrified civilians to act with each other.

ACT THREE

there seems to be a pattern in all of the acts in little hope. forgettable first halfs and memorable and incredibly fun second halfs. act three is no different.

i think the fact that i could remember almost everything that happened in the ending but i had to go back on the chapter wikis to remember any of the first two chapters says a lot.

honestly the start of this act just feels like a plot extender and an extra opportunity to get people killed. BUT THE ENDING OF THIS ACT I LOVE <3. i like that i takes a quick break from running away from the demons to develop the mary storyline (which i will ALSO talk about later) and the choices you make really do matter and they actually make the players think about the choices theyre making because the 'right' answer isnt clear throughout the game so youre really left in the dark and have to make the call completely off your own accord.

quick final bit before we get onto the ending, but i also love the segment when everyone is running away from their respective demons and john and angela are the last one out there. the reason i love this section so much is because it can really define how angela is as a character or how you want to play her, which can also affect the ending.

right. time to talk about 'full circle'. i dont think words could describe how fucking annoyed i was when i had kept everyone alive right until this chapter only for taylor and john to be killed because of a mechanic that i didnt even know existed. AND I KNOW FOR A FACT THERES MORE PEOPLE WHO EXPERIENECED THIS.

the locked traits mechanic is very cool, trust me, but the fact that it was never ,at least, given some hints that it would be the decider of the characters fate and that they were something that genuinely matter.

at first i thought that they were just pre-determined flaws that each character had lol.

THE END

little hope has a total of seven endings and i do actually want to touch on a few of them because holy shit some of them are insane 😭

the ending i got was: vince called the police and another protagonist was alive. this resulted in andrew being revealed to be anthony (like in all endings) and being taken away in a police car as it is also revealed that the other protagonists (in my case daniel and angela) were hallucinations.

i get why some people would hate this ending, i do too, only because the previous game also had the exact same plot twist??? and that is just so uncreative that they couldnt figure out a different ending to give to one of the games. in my opinion if they DID actually give a new ending to man of medan or little hope i would 100% want it to be man of medan, which i can now confidently say is my least favourite game made made by supermassive.

quick side note, ending 5 is fucking insane and if you got it on your first ever playthrough i would have loved to see your reaction lol.

for those who dont know what the fuck im talking about ill give a quick summary of ending 5.

to get this ending vince must have not have called the police, andrew has the gun and it has at least one bullet in it and mary had to have been excecuted. after the initial cutscene, andrew aims the gun at his temple. megan then appears behind andrew and screams at him, causing him to shoot himself. After it was revealed that andrew was anthony/the bus driver all along, his corpse is shown laying at the doorstep.

like what the fuck.

RANDOM SHIT

in all honesty i had no clue on what to pick regarding the mary situation. i think i chose like 4 different choices all contradicting each other in my playthrough, but seriously what is the objective 'right' path defending mary or killing her?

as for collectibles, i found i think 43 (?) secrets, all black pictures, 4-5 white pictures and the gold pictures. in this game it is already such and improvement to man of medans exploration system. for example, if opening a certain door or picking up a certain item the game will show you this '>>>>' which means it will move you onto the next segment and oh my god this has made exploration so mad more enjoyable and easier can i just say.

CONCLUSION

this game is miles better than man of medan. i enjoyed the aesthetic, gameplay, concept, characters (some more than others) and yeah it was overall a good game (not better than house of ashes though ;) )

EXTRA

CHARACTER RANKING

Angela (the funniest character in lh, she had humour but also a serious personality, where was she for half the game? 😭)

Daniel (so sweet and caring to everyone, love him and taylor)

Andrew (he is THE male protagonist but we love him for that, anthony is deeply traumatised 🙏)

Taylor (hated her in the beginning but she grew on me, he deaths are so brutal lmao but she is so incredibly funny)

John (alcoholic and annoying, he did really care about angela though)

RATING

6 or 7/10 / 3 1/2 stars

as always if youre still reading by this point respect to you my friend and tysm for reading i hope you enjoyed me waffling about random games for 1,750 words ilysm <33333

[pesterloglog]

Dave Strider, Dirk Strider

Act 6, page 7748-7756

DAVE: ok actually maybe i will get into it

DAVE: i dunno why my friends got to have adults around who cared about them

DAVE: they complained bitterly about stuff so i guess i convinced myself they were all in the same boat as me

DAVE: but thats not how it was

DAVE: their complaints were trumped up nonsense and i bought it cause... i dunno

DAVE: i didnt have any frame of reference

DAVE: but his dad and her mom no matter what they said it was so obvious they cared about them deeply

DAVE: even jades weird fuckin grandpa who died when she was young obviously would have done anything for her

DAVE: why did i get such a raw cut of the asshole deck

DAVE: and why did it take me so long to figure that out

DAVE: and like hes dead now so thats that

DAVE: so all thats left to do is look back and try to put the pieces together of my first 13 years

DAVE: and all i can think is what the fuck WAS that?!

DAVE: i dont come away with the impression i used to try convincing myself of, that he was like "mysterious" or "stern" or "aloof"

DAVE: the only feeling left is this insane impression that i was raised by somebody who fuckin HATED me

DAVE: and the whole act of even "raising a child" was some totally fucked up game to him

DAVE: like parenthood was one of the highest tiers of irony in his solemn bullshit bro-ninja code

DAVE: so he went through those motions and did whatever he thought was "funny" or "badass"

DAVE: but under that weird stylistic and totally sociopathic approach to parenting i cant even IMAGINE there was any emotion toward me other than some sort of loathing

DIRK: What...

DIRK: Did he do?

DAVE: i dont want to get out the laundry list

DAVE: but for reference laundry wasnt one of those things

DAVE: that was just one of the many little domestic things i just had to sort of FIGURE OUT

DAVE: sorta like i eventually had to learn what the REAL purpose of a refridgerator was from movies

DIRK: Wait.

DIRK: What??

DAVE: i dunno theres too much to even get into

DAVE: just

DAVE: i dont remember the atmosphere ever not being nerve wracking

DAVE: all havin to sneak around and...

DAVE: ugh my shitty childhood spider senses are tinglin just thinking about it

DAVE: it was "training" you know

DAVE: but you know what it really was it was some vicious shit that was bad and sucked and i hated it

DAVE: it didnt make me stronger

DAVE: it did the opposite

DAVE: it made me never want to fight

DAVE: it made me never want to see blood or be near danger or hear metal sounds

DAVE: it made me hate the idea of being a hero cause he was a hero and he ruined the idea of heroism

DAVE: i dont even want to be fighting this shitty version of jack but hey nobody else has secret welsh powers so i guess i have to

DIRK: ...

DAVE: what gets me is how long it took me to put all this together

DAVE: to stop seeing it as some kinda roughhousey and eccentric life i had but was otherwise normal

DAVE: it took years to deconstruct it all and put it back together to understand how fuckin mad i should be

DAVE: and in particular how stone cold deeply uncared for i was my whole life

DAVE: like... being merely "monitored" by a violent robot

DAVE: i only started getting it after spending a lot of time in person with a bunch of people who actually did care about me

DAVE: and i could start feeling like

DAVE: actually somewhat human for the first time

DAVE: instead of...

DAVE: some sort of runty afterthought to a household cabal of smutty puppets

DIRK: ... Puppets?

DAVE: the fuckin puppets!!!

DAVE: i know how it sounds but i am NOT joking and there is NO shred of doubt in my mind that he loved all those puppets more than me

DAVE: honestly it is very possible that he was just insane and thats that

DAVE: i guess it didnt help either that we lived with what we have come to understand may theoretically be the most evil doll to exist in any universe ever

DAVE: in fact its my tenuous understanding that he came down to earth with that thing and like actually grew up with it

DAVE: maybe...

DAVE: maybe spending 30 some years being unseparable from that hell puppet had some effect on him??

DAVE: maybe if it hadnt been casting a pall over our apartment 24/7 since he took me in...

DAVE: grinning...

DAVE: glaring...

DAVE: laughing in my sleep...

DAVE: maybe our lives wouldnt have been quite so...

DAVE: maybe we would have...

DAVE: ugh

DIRK: What?

DIRK: You ok there?

DAVE: .....

DAVE: .....

DAVE: yeah

DIRK: That doll.

DIRK: That was Cal, right?

DAVE: yeah

DIRK: Right.

DIRK: My version is "empty", apparently.

DIRK: Whatever that means.

DAVE: huh

DAVE: how do you know that

DIRK: A source.

DIRK: One supposedly knowledgeable in jujus.

DIRK: I never quite knew what that meant, though.

DAVE: well

DAVE: whatever his was

DAVE: "empty" is never how i would have described it

DIRK: Hmm.

DAVE: man

DAVE: i dunno if i figured something out here

DAVE: like um "explained" something or

DAVE: if im just driving myself crazy with this talk and nothing even needs explaining

DAVE: it doesnt change my past or how i feel about him

DAVE: he was still pretty much awful no matter what the reason

DAVE: and im sure thats the only feeling ill ever have about him

DAVE: so who cares why it was like that

DIRK: Yeah...

DIRK: That...

DIRK: All sounds really bad.

DIRK: I don't know what to say though.

DIRK: Maybe I shouldn't say anything.

DIRK: Since I just remind you so much of him, for, uh. Obvious reasons.

DIRK: I don't want to make you feel worse, or make it sound like I'm offering a defense.

DIRK: For him, or me.

DIRK: Because I don't have one.

DIRK: For either of us.

DAVE: come on man

DAVE: YOU didnt do anything

DAVE: this was just some douche bag with your exact dna, who happened to grow up to be my bro

DAVE: you had a completely different life full of like

DAVE: different choices and actions and stuff

DAVE: and even if you were gonna turn out like him youve barely cleared the half way mark on actually chronologically gettin there

DAVE: in some way ranting about all this is probably just uncool of me because...

DAVE: you arent him

DAVE: youre not resposible for any of this shit but im sorta implicitly tacking it on you anyway

DAVE: so

DAVE: sorry about that

DIRK: I'm not sure it's true though.

DIRK: At least, I don't feel that way.

DAVE: what way

DIRK: That I'm not him.

DIRK: The fact is, I am.

DIRK: It's something I've come to understand about myself.

DIRK: All splinters of me are basically me, no matter how much I want to resist that truth.

DIRK: Or pretend they aren't reflecting my own qualities back at me.

DIRK: I bear a certain responsibility for all of them.

DAVE: splinters...?

DIRK: Yeah.

DIRK: I guess the concept isn't that unique to me.

DIRK: We've all got other versions of ourselves running around here and there, throughout the various compartments of this messed up cosmos.

DAVE: right

DIRK: I just happen to be particularly connected to mine.

DIRK: I've felt...

DIRK: Haunted by them.

DIRK: And what that really means is, I'm perpetually haunted by my own bad qualities.

DIRK: So, when I hear about stuff I did in another reality,

DIRK: I'm not sure what my adult self might have ever tried to do to atone for that stuff, if anything...

DAVE: pretty much dick squat

DIRK: Yeah. But in any case,

DIRK: I'm sure I was completely in the wrong, and I'm sorry I messed up your life.

DAVE: ...

DAVE: thanks

DAVE: but

DAVE: it still feels a little odd accepting an apology from somebody who i just met and technically had nothing to do with my life

DAVE: even if you do feel guilty splinterways or whatever

DAVE: it is just a messed up situation

DAVE: and i guess i had to vent

DAVE: and there was never anyone i wanted to say all that to

DAVE: and the only thing that was gonna drag it out of me i guess was like a teen stand-in phantom of my dead bro

DAVE: just some perfectly innocent dude havin to take the brunt of this shit

DIRK: I'm not particularly innocent though.

DIRK: I've messed a lot of things up.

DIRK: With my friends.

DIRK: Honestly, that's why I wasn't that bent on sticking around, when I showed up.

DIRK: And pretty much jumped at the offer of flying here to get ready for some yet to be explained battle.

DIRK: Battles are easy. Just you, a sword, some bad guys... it's a lot simpler than having to answer for things you did.

DIRK: For the most part, I feel pretty bad about the role I played in my friends' lives.

DIRK: Especially Jake.

DAVE: what happened there

DIRK: I don't even know.

DIRK: An unmitigated disaster for which I'm entirely to blame.

DIRK: It's not any one thing. I think I was just a completely toxic element in his life from day one.

DIRK: I don't know what he's doing now.

DIRK: I wouldn't be surprised if he was trying to avoid me as much as possible.

DIRK: I'm sure that's for the best.

DIRK: I think I need to stay out of his business for a good while, so I don't risk poisoning another innocent kid's life.

DIRK: Like I did with you, apparently.

DAVE: yeah

DAVE: i mean

DAVE: maybe its a little different cause relations between peers is a whole other thing

DAVE: its tricky shit and youre both figuring stuff out on a relatively equal footing and youre both at the same point in your lives

DAVE: its not like when one person is older and supposed to be a lot more...

DAVE: never mind this is a fucked up thing to think about

DAVE: but the bottom line is yeah laying low while you sort out your stuff cant hurt

DIRK: Right.

DIRK: The thing with that, with my adult self's...

DIRK: Ways.

DIRK: The sad thing is,

DIRK: I can really see it.

DIRK: How someone like me can go unchecked in life, and turn out to become a much worse person than I already am.

DIRK: I guess I'm just relieved I still have some time to make sure that doesn't happen.

DAVE: you dont actually seem like a bad person to me though

DIRK: No?

DAVE: nah

DIRK: Why not?

DIRK: We did just meet, after all.

DAVE: because

DAVE: i dunno if truly bad people wrestle so much with whether theyre good or bad

DAVE: i think if i ever sensed my bro like

DAVE: struggled at all with what he was doing or who he was

DAVE: or showed any sort of doubt

DAVE: that might have changed everything

DAVE: but there was never a crack in it

DAVE: or the slightest hint of introspection behind the aggressive cooldude facade

DAVE: if there was i sure never noticed

DAVE: i mean personally

DAVE: i think about it all the time now

DAVE: what it actually means to be good or bad

DAVE: or if not something that starkly moral

DAVE: at least just trying to examine the difference between being decent and being a douche

DAVE: maybe its because of him i worry about that now

DAVE: but for me i think that internal struggle is kind of mild

DAVE: for him...

DAVE: or you i mean

DAVE: it sounds like some pretty dark shit

DAVE: like grappling with...

DAVE: becoming evil vs simply trying not to

DIRK: Yeah.

DIRK: That's not too far off.

DAVE: but the point is

DAVE: even just talkin to you a little bit

DAVE: its obvious youve been fighting with that

DAVE: which means that you care enough to put in some effort

DAVE: i think that counts for something

DIRK: Maybe.

DIRK: Not sure if I'm ready to accept a pat on the back for recognizing I have some problems, and worrying about whether they'll destroy me and fuck up the people I care about.

DIRK: That might be setting the bar kind of low.

DAVE: well when it comes to the subject of him

DAVE: the bars already pretty low dude

DIRK: The weird thing, honestly,

DIRK: Is that it's actually kind of refeshing to hear a sincerely leveled critique of all my negative qualities, coming from another person invested in a relationship with me, rather than from a fucked up iteration of myself as some bizarre "trollish" form of self abuse.

DIRK: The only thing I've ever been exposed to are either various forms of self loathing either from me or my auto-responder, or attitudes completely oblivious to my real issues, as expressed through my friends.

DIRK: My friends always seemed to cut me so much slack, or were just never aware of the kind of person I really was.

DIRK: Well, Jake probably is, by now at least.

DIRK: But he's also the sort of guy who's just as likely to blame himself for stuff I did, as he is to blame me.

DIRK: Jane and Roxy, though.

DIRK: Never seemed to see anything wrong with me.

DIRK: If anything, just the contrary.

DIRK: Roxy in particular had a certain... fixation.

DIRK: She meant well, but was so enamored of me, and seemingly everything I did.

DIRK: Which I think was the last thing I needed.

DIRK: To be idolized in some form by other people I respected.

DIRK: I had enough of that feeling coming from within, particularly when I was younger.

DIRK: And since then, I've been plagued by the insane ego of my youth in the form of an artificial intelligence I designed which essentially trapped that state of mind in a sort of horrid suspended animation.

DIRK: Until... recent developments, of course.

DAVE: so

DAVE: was that stuff true

DAVE: when you said you idolized the other version of me

DIRK: Yeah.

DAVE: and not just some bullshit like how i used to say the same thing about my bro when i didnt know any better

DIRK: It's definitely not like that.

DIRK: I never lived with him, or met him, so couldn't have anything like the contentious relationship you had with my older self.

DIRK: He was a historical figure from centuries ago.

DIRK: There was a lot to admire, and think about fondly.

DIRK: Especially since I was alone, and never had any direct contact with another person, or any concept of civilization.

DIRK: So even though I'm sure I romanticized what his life was like, and the early 21st century in general,

DIRK: It was nice to think about you.

DIRK: I passed a lot of time that way.

DAVE: you say there was a lot to admire

DAVE: like what

DIRK: Well...

DIRK: He was pretty famous.

DIRK: Made some successful movies.

DIRK: At least under a somewhat expansive definition of "success".

DIRK: And an even more expansive definition of "movie".

DIRK: His work accumulated a lot of subversive political influence, which got him in trouble later.

DIRK: He made like a million bullshit Statues of Liberty, scummed them up with jpeg artifacts, and littered them all over the planet.

DAVE: holy shit

DIRK: He was also a pretty badass swordsman, and an active member of the resistance movement.

DIRK: He slaughtered the clown presidents on the roof of the White House, and flew away on a shitty skateboard.

DIRK: Then it seems he gave the Batterwitch a pretty good run for her money.

DIRK: It wasn't enough, but at least he went down fighting.

DAVE: that

DAVE: yeah

DAVE: ima need to hear more details on this some time

DIRK: Sure.

DIRK: But as you can tell, clearly there was a lot to look up to.

DIRK: I thought about the examples you set constantly. The creative ideals, the advanced theories on irony and humor, the tales of courage and martial prowess.

DIRK: Really, I modeled everything about myself after you. Or at least everything good that I was trying to become.

DIRK: And I probably spent an embarrassing amount of time imagining what it would be like to live during his time, and to be able to have something resembling a sibling relationship, or be in some sort of master-apprentice situation.

DIRK: When I finally learned you existed, and started to understand who he really was in relation to me, that put a lot into context.

DIRK: I realized he was a version of you who got a chance to live up to his full potential.

DIRK: And when I understood there was a young version of you, in a situation sorta like mine, whose time on Earth got cut short when you were thrown into all this,

DIRK: I was at least happy to think there was some reality where you got the chance to do everything you wanted to do, be successful, and fight for all the right things.

DIRK: Even if ultimately it didn't lead to a great outcome for humanity, you had an opportunity to live a full life and show what you were made of.

DIRK: While I guess I had... the same opportunity on your world, somewhat less fortunately.

DAVE: yeah

DAVE: but then for all my bitching i guess i still never grasped your full reality

DAVE: just like you probably didnt grasp mine, but just reading into the mindset of a historical figure as best you could

DAVE: what if i wasnt as heroic as it seemed?

DAVE: what if adult me was kinda douchey too in a way you couldnt observe

DIRK: Perhaps.

DIRK: But beyond a certain point, I think accomplishments speak for themselves.

DIRK: I dunno if you can just completely shred every person who ever did great things because they had some flaws.

DIRK: All I can say is, it was important to me to see him the way I did.

DIRK: As a good person who inspired me, and set the standard for what I wanted to be.

DIRK: It kept me going.

DIRK: That said, I'm also glad there's this version of you who got to go through all the things you've been through.

DIRK: Like, yeah, you didn't get to be the cool celebrity who cuts down juggalos on badly defaced government property.

DIRK: And the idea of a "normal life" was rudely taken from you, and it's something you'll never get to experience.

DIRK: But this is so much more challenging, and uncertain.

DIRK: You get to apply all that potential you showed in one reality to something much bigger and more existentially critical.

DIRK: Whatever strength you showed in trying to save a dying planet, the fact is, I think we need that more here.

DIRK: And the trials inherent in being a part of something like this, I think they bring more out of you than a relatively pedestrian life on Earth would. Make you face more things about yourself. At least, that's been true for me.

DIRK: But it sounds like it's been true for you too.

DIRK: It sounds to me like the experiences you've had changed you a lot, for the better.

DIRK: You mentioned the experiences with him that were designed to make you stronger have actually made you weaker, but really, I doubt that's true.

DIRK: I bet you've become stronger than you realize, not because of anything he did, but because of what you've done, and the ways you've changed yourself through your own effort.

DIRK: I hope it doesn't come off as overly sentimental garbage, but it seems to me like you turned out to be a really good dude.

DIRK: Like, really, a better sort of dude I ever imagined talking to when I pictured meeting the legendary guy I idolized.

DIRK: I pictured him as probably being "too cool" to be the type of guy you are.

DIRK: But you know what, fuck being too cool for that.

DAVE: ...

DAVE: you

DAVE: ...

DAVE: ...

DAVE: ...

DAVE: you dont think im cool?

DIRK: Nah.

DIRK: I mean, in the right way, yes. I think you are.

DIRK: But, in the way that doesn't mean anything and doesn't matter,

DIRK: Not particularly.

DAVE: ...

DIRK: Anyway, that's...

DIRK: All my "stuff", with respect to your other self.

DIRK: Again, there's a lot more I could say about him.

DIRK: Maybe stuff you should know, or maybe it's all irrelevant to the path you're on now.

DIRK: Regardless, I'd be more than willing to answer any questions you have about him.

DIRK: Or, anything really.

DIRK: Feel free to ask me whatever, ok?

DAVE: ...

DAVE: yeah

DAVE: i

DAVE: ill have to think

[fictionkinfessions]

GOD (haha thats my dad) i miss my bros. my siblings. every last one of them. like yeah, i totally dipped out on my responsibilities and shit. but i still missed them, even if they were honestly terrible at times.

yea, we were angels, but that didnt make us any better than dads other creations.

dad wasnt supposed to play favorites, but he obviously favored lucifer, even after everything. he didnt give a shit about me or raphael, and godforbid anyone bring up uriel or zadkiel or literally any of the other archangels. those guys got the worst of it considering literally no one remembered them.

but he had such "big plans" for mike and luce. which was literally hey boys, in a few million years im gonna have you both fight to the death!! and IM the "irresponsible one" out of all of us bc i was tired of the fighting and the bullshit after dad left? whatever dude. i didnt WANT to be in charge, i NEVER asked to be a general or whatever, that was just something i was made to be.

anyways. besides that. uhh. sorry to sam winchester for torturing you and your bro for like. years that one day. honestly you got kinda pathetic towards the end there and thats totally on me, but like rlly dude? dad wasnt rlly going to let one of you die forever back then, that much should've been obvious. esp considering most people who died actually stayed dead. no one dies that much & comes back without godtier plot armor.

i still loved you, lu. even after all the shit i said about you to your face (though it was kinda deserved). you were my big bro, you taught all of us everything we didnt know. i miss playing games and pulling pranks with you.

and, despite it all. i still loved dad. i dont know if he hated me in the end, probably. but how could i not love him? we were made that way, to love him.

damn, this got long.

anyways. uhh. fuck apocalypse michael, i hope you step on a lego and you always have that itchy feeling in your hand that you have to bite.

archangel gabriel out

(tag as fictive please + gonna take #🪖 for our sys if its open haha)

x

[fearowkenya]

Ocean Wave, Part 2: A Winding Current

“I was curious.” Dracmon fidgets idly with the little golden loop near the spike on his right wing. “Somethin’ about you drew me in… and I couldn’t walk away. When we fought together, it felt right. More right than anything I’ve ever, ever felt. And now… I just want to be with you.” Dracmon wasn't always by Kaito's side. Which begs the question: part 1 - footprints in the sand Who was he, before the arrival of his other half? part 2 - a winding current And what was he doing, on that fateful day?

Part 2 covers the moment that Dracmon and Kaito met for the first time. once again, tumblr dot shit hides posts with external links in tags, so the ao3 link is in the source.

EDIT: fixed formatting on ao3 - indentation on mobile should look better now. extended authors notes under cut!

SO there was a TON of ideas that went into part 2, mostly stemming from, as i've mentioned, me being mad that kaito and dracmon were the only ones not to get a fancy champion evo sequence on-screen. i said in my authors note on ao3 that as i was playing, i just assumed it happened off-screen, but then i asked myself "what if it didnt?" and the answer i came up with was "maybe dracmon could already innately reach champion" and then i worked backwards from there.

next - aesthetic changes to dracmon. i am a HUGE sucker for digimon being matchies with their partner. before dracmon met kaito, i think all of his eyes were red, both the ones on his face and the ones on his hands, and the ones that are green only became that way after meeting kaito and devolving from sangloupmon. it's kind of like in tamers when beelzemon's eyes change colour after he makes amends with his partners. i also made changes to the accessory situation - after meeting kaito, instead of the little chain with the green gem in the middle, dracmon would have piercings on his wingtips that are the same shape and on the same side as kaito's. i have like... a written list of all aesthetic changes across all stages for all the partner digimon at this point (except for renamon and gabumon - still thinking about those ones) so i will accept any invitation to blabber about them! i LOVE that shit, i cannot emphasize that enough!!

formatting this time was a little less intense - i only had one table i needed to work with, and tbh, most of my formatting issues were about indentation. im actually not really a fan of the standard ao3 formatting patterns, where there's double spacing after each paragraph and no indentation. i much much prefer how it is in most novels, where there's no double spacing and every paragraph is indented. i know people tend to be fussy about formatting in fics, and most of the ones ive seen use the double-spacing no-indenting situation. it's understandable, formatting is something i'm fussy about as well, so im trying to strike a balance between the way i like it and the way i've noticed that most others like it.

i like indenting. i use it to like... give a sense of flow to conversations and/or differentiate/shift between spoken word and narration. the vibe im trying to give when i increase indentation from line to line is that the conversation speed is picking up. im not sure how well that was conveyed, but i think it works all right.

once again, like in alligators, i left some deliberate loose ends. the most obvious one is "if that first tether pulling dracmon toward the ocean wasn't kaito, then what was it?" and listen. dont even worry about it (:

as im replaying the game, im noticing some really interesting stuff about the state of the digital world. in like...part 7, i think, there's an optional free time event where you can recruit a tentomon, and it mentions that a lot of other digimon have been behaving aggressively lately. paired with the fog, i think that what's happening is that the shrinking digital world is causing a lot of digimon to have to live in close quarters, and that a lot of them are "young" in the sense that they're still feral and incapable of speech or reason. that, plus the continuous spread of the fog, would make for a really hostile environment for the remaining areas of the world. im quite happy with the theory i've got that digimon might sometimes lose a bit of memory every time they regenerate. if you subscribe to that idea, the unusual aggression among the wild digimon makes a lot of sense - they're all young, they all keep getting exploded and forgetting what's going on, theres this terrifying fucking fog EVERYWHERE, which just feeds back into wild digimon being more on-edge, and therefore more aggressive. thats why tsumemon is a little unsure of hanging out with koromon at first in part 1 - it's a dangerous world for little guys!

this is kinda connected to why i have the digimon half of the cast crossing paths with one another. tsumemon and koromon have met, yeah, (even though they don't remember anymore) but also i think a few of the other characters have met too. i didn't linger on it, but kunemon was in part one of ocean wave , albeit very briefly, trying to warn dracmon about seadramon lol. Now Why Would He Do That? again. don't worry about it (:

and at last - what's next? i mentioned in another text post a few days ago that ideally id like to go back to some shuuji and lopmon stuff. ocean wave set up some context about a couple of things i want to explore about shuuji and lopmon's relationship, as well as some . hmm. alternate events. and what effect those alternate events have on the two of them. "what do you mean" dont worry (: mostly it is just me self-indulgently fixing a few gripes i had with truthful route's part 6. i'd also at some point like to post some doodles of aesthetic changes. i have a few sketched out but they're very messy lol

anyway wow this was a big ol comment post. thanks for reading this far !!

[i-sveikata]

hellooo! it’s 4 a.m in my country and i just have finished reading the last chapter of graveyards! i have a few questions if you feel okay to answer them (and my english is not perfect, hope i don’t make many mistakes)

i can see that vegas is very obsessed with pete. the way he sees pete as his equal and feels fascinated when pete fight backs is interesting. but where does vegas’s obsession come from? as far as i understand, they stayed in the safe house for a few days. how did he get SO obsessed with him to the point of going against his father for the first time in his life? can we say that he was in love with him when he did that?

i can see vegas’s obsession but i feel like pete is also obsessed with vegas, maybe not as much as vegas but he certainly can’t give up on him. why is that? where does his obsession and fixation on vegas come from?

did vegas and pete ever have an interaction before he kidnapped pete? or did you follow kp series’ plot for that? is it possible for vegas to actually have an interest for pete before all of these happened?

do you think there’s a limit for the things vegas would do for pete? i can see that he would do anything for him or to have him, but is there anything that he would not do no matter what?

what would vegas do if pete left him? after they got back together?

maybe it’s just me but vegas’ obsession towards pete is so magically fascinating and it made me obsessed too! i love these kind of plots a lot and yours is definitely the most interesting one! are you planning on writing vegas pete fictions in the near future? or do you have any recommendations to read (obsessed vegas plot)?

i actually had more questions but i don’t want to annoy you, plus my english is not good 😭 i hope you are having a wonderful day:)

for the word guessing game: “obsessed, ring, lead, sob or weep (are they different or the same words?😭) tears” please if you have it 🙏

hey there!! wow 4AM goodbye sleep hahahaha. of course happy to and your english is great!!

oh very good question! from memory they were in the safe house for a little over a week but yeah for a normal person that's nowhere near enough time to fall in love.

the way ive thought of it is that pete is the very first person to see all of vegas as he is, at his worst, at his ugliest, without flinching away or trying to kill him out of disgust or fear like so many other people have tried to do and that's where vegas' obsession stems from.

id say hes never once in his life felt seen before like this and so he's latched onto pete like a lifeline because pete makes him feel like more of himself without thinking that hes wrong or horrible or a failure. im not sure i would say that he was completely in love because obviously he was in a delusion about the situation but i do think it was a very obvious stepping stone to realising how vital pete was to him and how being around him makes him feel as opposed to say his father who constantly wants to squash him into the ground and make him smaller. by trying to kill pete his father set vegas even more against him than he meant to, because of course there was no way vegas was going to give up on the idea that someone could just accept him how he is and choose not to kill him. after pete did something like that, there was no way vegas would risk losing him.

pete is definitely to some extent hyperaware of vegas now but that stems from everything that happened between them and everything about himself that vegas has forced him to confront. pete knows vegas is inevitable but hes choosing how to accept that in a way that works for him. plus i think the second pete started to let himself care for him to actually be concerned for vegas' wellbeing was the moment he was gone. because thats such a innate part of him being a carer and once he pulled vegas into that small compartment of his where his grandmother, tankhun, chan and porsche already are there was no coming back.

nope they didnt really have any kind of meaningful interaction until vegas caught him. pete was trying too hard to stay under the radar and vegas didnt think he was all that interesting until he looked a bit closer

i honestly dont think vegas has a limit on what hed do for pete. not really. hes not very good with boundaries and he cares too much about pete to deny him anything. the real thing is whether or not pete would ask for something that would cross the line- but i dont really see him pushing beyond vegas' limits.

if pete left him and truly meant it i think vegas would be absolutely destroyed. it would take him a very long time to get over it or even to actually believe it. but if pete was serious i think he could back off. he would do it for pete, even if it was at his own expense and completely shattered him, he would put pete's needs above his own. even if that meant pete leaving him. but thats not likely to happen!

yeahhhhh i find it really fascinating too!! which is probably why i wrote a story this long delving into it hahahaha no i dont have anything else planned for the moment but that doesnt mean i wont. sorry im not good for recs i actually havent read all that much in the fandom tbh.

no worries feel free to ask more if you have them i dont mind!

Sure thing! I'll go with tears because we already did sob earlier and im pretty sure i havent used weep yet:

Pete doesn’t know what to say for that. It does sound plausible that Mr Kan could have been violently obsessed with Namphueng, but it’s also possible that Mr Korn has cleverly crafted the story to explain away his true actions and motivations.

\

"They all know you’re at the main family house in the thick of things and there’s already rumours spreading around here from the main family guards of a certain ring already being on your finger.”

\

Chan nods with the kind of acceptance that leads Pete to believe he was expecting this already. He knows Pete too well to be shocked by how he operates.

\

Macau seems to drink it like he’s not even aware of what’s happening and when he sets it back down, suddenly empty, he reaches up to dig his bent knuckles into the side of his eye, clearing away the tears that he doesn’t appear to want Pete to know about.

[purgemarchlockdown]

For the ask game, I checked the second-most-tagged character in your archive... Kazui? 8, 11, 12, 13.

I didnt realize he was second-most tagged! He's my qpr's fav so Im not really surprised....

8. what is your theory for their crime? if there is general consensus on it in the fandom, do you have any other, not-so-widely-accepted thoughts on it?

I think I Generally have similar thoughts on him as the rest of his crime as the rest of the fandom does (it was suicide not murder) Uh...honestly I worry my answers for these arent too interesting since I dont Tend to think too much about the crime itself ha...I do think that its possible that Kazui did Much Worse than we are willing to believe or accept. A friend of mine watched Cat and Immediately caught onto how creepy it feels which I agree with honestly since that was my other thought when I was watching it.

I feel like people get a bit defensive when the idea of Kazui being Worse gets brought up but admittedly a lot of times when people bring it up they go "I cant believe people are so Stupid" which is just mean.

I'm personally more fond of the interpretations where Kazui is some flavor of Queer and the shitty he did was lying to his wife. Since that Is a Really Shit thing to do already and I think it's more interesting thematically and story wise. Plus it makes his normalcy and repression parallels with Amane more fun I think.

However I don't think that means that possibility for Kazui being Worse should be Dismissed outright. Just because Kazui is regretful and self-hating and genuinely kind and understanding does not eliminate that possibility and what not.

It also doesn't mean he Can't be Queer....so like....I dunno. I'm just trying to say that I don't Mind him being a worse person than we would like to believe.

11. what are your favorite points about their story and the narrative surrounding them?

(I DID NOT REALIZE TILL AFTER I WROTE ALL OF THIS THAT I ANSWERED THIS BEFORE WHOOPS! YOU CAN READ IT ALONGSIDE THIS I TALK ABOUT SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT THINGS)

GIVE! ME! THOSE! FEELINGS! OF! REPRESSION!!!!!!!!!!!! He is so fucking repressed and is trying so damn hard to be normal and the Ideal Husband and it gets to me. It's something I find so interesting about Kazui. He's a big liar but that's because he's repressed as all hell. He believes he was Born Wrong somehow. Born different.

It's another reason why I really like Queer Kazui interpretations. I think those feelings of having to "be a man" and live up to "manly ideals" and being the Most Normalest Normal Man Ever works really well with that depiction of him.

Kazui is trying to fit the societal standard of normal and is really jaded about it as a result. The idea of Ideal Het Love is just something he's selling to people. The concept of being the Ideal Man is an ad. That one interrogation where he says marriage is good for your social status. He's trying to keep up with society's standards in a world that feels hostile to someone like Him.

Sure he could Try to be himself, but that means inviting so much hate and pain and even possibly risking his life. Leaving the comfortable world of normalcy means Being In Danger.

And he's repressed his feelings for his entire life. It's second nature to him.

How can he pull apart who he is from the lies? Is there even a difference? Is he doomed to lie forever and ever? He certainly doesn't know. There's a sense of stagnation and stillness in a way. A sense of being stuck in place Forever.

All he knows for certain is that Something is Wrong With Him. And that Something is what Killed Hinako. The dream he has is something that is unachievable, as it should be.

(Sorry but these are Really Appropriate WKTD scenes)

12 has already been answered here!

13. any ideas on what would they and their MV be like if they got a different verdict in T1?

Well ignoring the obvious "oh shit if Kazui was guilty Mahiru might of straight up fucking died, same with Amane actually since Presumably Kazui and Mikoto stopping Kotoko is what prevented her from being attacked" I think Kazui might just be kinda resigned to it, he's really like that i think. Kazui is someone Incredibly Resigned to Bad Situations, he doesn't really make much effort to fix them because he doesn't think they Can be fixed. And if he Tried it would just get worse.

He tried to bare his heart to Es but I guess that just didn't work out...I dunno if he would be more honest or not in his MV though...since Kazui seems to have noticed now that he's inno that even his Lies get into the machine. Im really not sure.

[juni-ravenhall]

a story or small book or a poem about stuff i thought about

i didnt have any responsible adults in my entire life. i dont have any still now, when im a disabled adult living in poverty. i think a lot about how nice it would be to find some lonely old middle class people who take a liking to me and adopt me as their kid or grandkid since theirs doesnt talk to them much. how much it would help me to have support from anyone.

i was the most bullied kid in my entire elementary school. i never thought of it that way until recently when i randomly said it out loud during a convo on some related topic. after elementary school i was still bullied and isolated and judged, but not always the no.1 victim. i have a lot of damage from how bullied and alone ive always been, including how isolated i am now. i had friends sometimes, but i lost them.

i live in poverty and cant afford a dishwasher or a good bed. my back hurts a lot on top of my other illnesses. i have to wash a lot of dishes and cook a lot of food alone. the bed is uncomfortable. it hurts my back. when my back hurts, it makes it harder to focus, or rest. it makes everything harder than it already is. i cant really think at all on the days when the pain is worst. i stretch. i try. but im also stuck without money inside a small apartment in a bad neighbourhood, and its hard to feel the motivation to do anything.

the wellfare system and the healthcare system doesn't care to help me get healthy. i'm supposed to simply "find a job", even though my resumé is empty with an unexplainable gap of a decade. i dropped out of uni maybe 3 or 5 times. i dont have a degree. i barely made it through highschool. i didnt know that it was mental illness and symptoms of the abuse. i didnt understand that until i was over 20. i still didnt understand that when i tried to do uni, over and over. i kept trying because i am a hopeful person. i tried to learn alone and create alone, too, because i had hope. but hope doesn't get you anywhere if you don't have any support. i know that now.

i think about that im smarter and more knowledgeable and more effective than most people ive ever met who earn 30k sek a month. like the people who yell at me from the wellfare office for asking questions. or the doctors who conclude that i require no treatment despite my obvious disability. or the people making videogames who dont understand anything about game design. i do understand it and i could teach them so much in one hour, if they talked to me. i could make someone a master artist if i taught them for a few weeks. i am fluent in english on top of my native language and understand linguistics and etymology really well. i can read and write in 4 different alphabets at least. one time i composed an original piece of music for my sibling's school project in the span of a few hours of a night, and they told me everyone in their group was amazed that i made something unique for them, from scratch, that quickly.

i don't think that i'm less capable or less skilled or less intelligent or less rational or less efficient, than middle class people. i don't have any proof that this would be the case. the thing i do have proof of is that i have a lot of struggles that come from being a childhood and adulthood abuse victim and bully victim with no support network, with no help, with no money to ask for help. maybe i wouldn't be this damaged today if i had had 15k sek a month for a few years.

i wouldnt even know how to spend 30k sek a month. well, that's not true. i would save it for the future, to stay safe, while also donating to people in my communities, like my tumblr dashboard. that person that often struggles with rent and meds. that person that does emergency commissions. that person with a sick cat. those people, i would give 1000kr each of my 30.000kr salary. if i gave 1000kr to three different poor people every month, i would still have 27.000kr. if my rent and bills were around 10000kr (in a nicer place than now), and i eat food and use hygiene products for around 3000kr, and i buy meds and clothes and bus tickets and small things for around 2000kr, i would still have 12.000kr left. thats pretty much just completely insane. if i saved 12k sek every month, i would have saved more than 100.000kr in one year from my salary, and still given away 1000kr every month to three poor people, and still been able to live happily with food, medicine, bus tickets and cinema visits, and warm clothes in my size.

i could save 12k sek a month, or i could use 2000kr more, to give 1000kr more to two more poor people. for a total of 5 different struggling humans who i could give 1000kr each month. and still save 10.000kr for my future safety. every month. more than 100.000kr savings a year.

the people who earn 30k sek a month in sweden are earning relatively small salaries. there are many who earn 35k, or even 40k, or even more than that. they don't usually give 1000kr a month to 5 different poor people. they also don't usually get therapy, which they can afford, although some do. if i had 10.000kr left just for savings every month, i would get horse therapy, every week. but i might not even have to use the 10k for that. i might be able to cover that partially with the 2000kr i calculated for other spendings. i would be really happy if i could get horse therapy every week.

if you are middle class, you don't live in the same world we do, i don't think. i don't really understand how it works anymore. if you could give 1000kr to 3 or 5 starving people every month, and still save 10.000kr every month, and still live freely and happily and healthily yourself every month. why would you not do that? i think that's why they say "poor people stay poor because we give money away". when we have it, we share it, because we understand how valuable even the smallest sums are. but it's still hard for me to understand how people earning 30k+ sek every month are the majority of this country and how the majority of people are not doing anything similar with their money as what i would do.

my skills, logic or knowledge don't earn me anything. because if you don't have a network, if you don't have support, if you don't have anything, you can't get anything, either.

my only way out is to keep having hope even though i've learnt that hope doesn't actually help me at all, beyond keeping me from killing myself, sometimes. mostly it's the fact that yasmin would be alone that keeps me from it though. because she also has no support, she also doesn't have anything. at least we are together, in the cold without proper winter clothes. at least we are together, when the drug addicts are banging on our window at 4am. at least we are together, wondering how to ever find any means of employment, in a system that's built against us. how to find support in a society where middle class people will tell you that you aren't trying hard enough, while they don't know even how much 100kr is.

112kr is bus tickets back and forth to downtown for two people. that means we can go windowshopping together, or to the library, but we can't buy anything. 200kr means we can go downtown *and* buy a small trinket or a snack. 500kr, means we can go downtown and buy a piece of second hand clothing, or go to the cinema together, or eat a restaurant meal together, one of those things.

1000kr to a poor person every month can help them buy their meds. pay their rent. or to go to the cinema to cheer up, because sitting in a cold small apartment in a bad neighbourhood can make you feel really bad. it doesn't make it easier to work, or easier to study, or easier to get healthier and move up in society. it's really hard to make a "class journey upwards". middle class people seem to not realise that they've been fed propaganda about poor people. i can understand that the upper classes don't know and don't care, because they are horrible unempathetic people all throughout. if you have that much money and don't help the ones less fortunate, or fight the system for us and with us, there is no redemption.

but middle class people, for some reason, it feels as if you should know. as if you should understand how much 100kr is, or how much 1000kr is, or how much 10.000kr is. because you are only one car accident or one severe health problem away from starting to trickle down in class. well, that wouldn't be enough if you have a support network, or if you have a lot of savings, or if you have a loaded family. but over time, with long-term disability, you might lose your middle class. or maybe your sibling does, or your best friend.

it feels as if it shouldn't be that far away from you, that you can't imagine, that you can't understand that some of us right here around you, in your communities, would have our lives changed by having even half of your money every month. the fact that you don't even have to donate a few 100s "instead of" saving it, or "instead of" spending it on games, or on netflix, or on restaurants. you can spend 1000kr on 5 different poor people each month and still have 10.000kr left over just for savings, or for as many gacha tickets as you want, or for trips to spain, if you prefer.

middle class and upper class people's ability to be patrons to those stuck in lower classes without losing any of their own priviledges is just very interesting. i've seen middle class people tell lower class people that their commissions are too expensive. but if you earn 30k sek a month, paying 1000kr for one single commission is actually more or less nothing to you, on average. the same goes for buying products not made in sweatshops. if you have 10.000sek left to save every month, i think you can afford to not support fast fashion, or fast food. poor people are being exploited, ruined and killed to create those products. not for any fault of their own, but because they were born unfortunate. and poor people on your dashboard are unable to pick up their medicines or pay their rents or buy food and warm clothes, not for any fault of their own, but because they were born unfortunate.

we were born without support networks, without responsible and healthy adults around us. we were bullied and isolated in school. we didn't have the opportunity to make "class journeys upward", because we didn't get healthcare or wellfare or other support to help us get through school, or to help pay for it. we didn't have any energy or ability to "network" and lick boots and kiss ass to get special treatment from richer people, even if we wanted to. the bullying and the abuse gave us PTSD, social phobias. reclusiveness. somehow they really don't understand how hard it is to create a network out of nothing, if you have damage from abuse and bullying. how it's not actually your fault that you don't have support. how it's not your fault you didn't just "get better", when the systems are built against you.

i've been a "free psychologist" to many people online for many years. people tell me "nobody understood me that well before", or "wow, that really changed my life". but i'm actually very tired of being a good therapist for no rewards other than seeing people feel better. no payment. and every time i play a videogame, i imagine i could have a sit-down with the developers and outline to them every single thing they could do to improve the game and sell more copies and have happier players. it comes very easy to me. but there is no way to just become a paid psychologist or a videogame fixer out of an empty resumé. i am not able to try to get a uni degree again, because then i would have no money at all for food and rent. so i am here with my empty resumé, without any support, without warm winter clothes in my size. without 1000kr to give to 3 or 5 poor people every month, and 10.000 for savings, for a safe future.

i really don't know what to do anymore, and i don't know how i will ever be able to take a middle class person seriously ever again, either. not if they earn more than 25k sek a month. below that, maybe they still know what 100kr is worth. i'm not sure. but the majority of sweden's working population earns a lot more than that, and has a university degree, because they weren't fucked up so bad that they couldn't finish school. nowadays, i side-eye everyone i see outside, and wonder if they know how much 100kr is worth. i don't think the drug dealers and users in this neighbourhood know how much 100kr is worth. i wish i could have gone into drug dealing, or into drug using. even just drinking. that's what everyone else does in this social class, for a reason. i just had hope that things could be different some day. that if i was responsible and kept trying, things could get better. it doesn't. i don't know if it matters if i spent my wellfare allowance on food or on drugs, or videogames. i don't know if my life will ever get any better regardless. but i spend it on food and medicine and hygiene products, because i have always been responsible, even though it has gotten me nowhere.

another job i could do would be to give middle class and rich people advice on how to spend their money. i would help them both save and invest properly with my knowledge and logic, as well as spending on a healthy mature life for themselves, and investing in their own happiness as well as their family and community's happiness. i could do all of that. it comes easy to me. i think i could be a counsellor. i could be a game designer. i could teach people how to be great artists. i could teach people how to improve themselves. or i could make music and some people would enjoy it enough to pay me for it. there are really many jobs that would come easy to me. everywhere around me that i look, i see people who don't understand as much about the world as i do. who don't know how to improve or how to move forward, when i can see it easily. i don't think that i'm lesser than people who earn 30.000kr a month. i heard that they take coffee breaks and smoking breaks. i heard that they go get sushi for lunch. i heard that you actually even get extra money for healthcare and other things through benefits of your work. i don't know why they don't know how much 100kr is worth.

the doctors told me that there is nothing they can do to help me, but if i pretend that i have autism, i might be able to get more help. because there are systems in place in sweden for people who have autism, and there might be ways for me to get more support and more different kinds of help that way. but i am a responsible person, and i felt that it would be wrong to pretend to have autism if i don't. the help that they said might be possible is also just a "might" or a "maybe". i think i would pretend to have autism if they told me that i would get 30.000kr a month by getting a job through a special programme for autistic people. but i don't know if anything like that would ever happen, so i don't feel comfortable taking a gamble on it. i also feel really angry that the system is like this, and that well-meaning psychologists at the city hospital feel pressured to tell me that the only way they can help me is if i say i have autism.

the only idea i really have for how to not die is to eventually be able to finish making a serious videogame, all alone or with the help of yasmin, or my sibling, or someone i havent met yet. there are people like me, who are creative and analytical, who made very successful videogames alone or almost alone. and i think im a very good game designer, because it comes easy to me. i always know how to fix other people's games, even though nobody asks me to. i know what's wrong: it's usually the same few things. they lack clear direction, in gameplay, art, story, or in everything. they lack a clear sense of their target audience and their desires. they lack understanding of the fundamentals of good game design and what makes games fun and enjoyable and satisfying to play. they lack focus on making the core of the game strong and solid and focus too much on unnecessary things outside of the core gameplay and other pillars of the game. they lack skills in design, or skills in art, or skills in writing. which again comes back to lacking focus, because almost everything is about focus. it's about understanding what the most core things are, what is the most important, both to you and to your audience. it's about pushing design into interesting unique places, or about pushing boundaries for realism, or about limiting your scope to your resources and goals.

when i said i could make someone a master artist by teaching them for a few weeks, it's more or less the same thing. i would teach them that they need to find a core and find focus. they need to push the limits of their art and their ideas, and maybe the limits of the world and society. to focus on shapes and colours and feelings and pushing extremes, while also learning fundamentals of anatomies and perspectives and layouts just to back up the important parts. or if they just want to make ugly vectors for a boring company for 30.000sek each month, i would teach them to focus only on improving those skills necessary for that and to have a full understanding of what their niche means and what the market is like for them. i would also teach them that they can still push their personal limits and make interesting work even if they have a job making ugly art for a boring company, if they wanted to. i would teach them how to market and advertise their art. most of everything is just about focus and about cores and about disregarding useless things. those kinds of things come easy to me. i think it doesn't come easy to most people i see that earn 30.000kr a month. i could even be their therapist to help them stop feeling inferior about their art or stop having impostor syndrome. i understand how the world works and i'm able to teach others about it, if they want to listen.

the biggest evil in the world is expansion, the concept of expansion. our planet and our societies are going to be destroyed because of expansion, and we are hurting today, especially those of us in lower classes, because of expansion. the opposite of expansion is to make smaller and make less. the balanced version is to sustain. if the rich people stopped expanding, the planet and its poor people would do so much better. if we started sustaining instead of expanding, we would be good on our way, and if we started lessening, we could reverse most problems we have.

expanding comes in many forms, everywhere, all the time. when you want to have more money even though you already have enough to live a healthy, safe and happy life, that's expansion. when a company wants to make more money this month than last month, even though its owners have enough money to live a happy life, that's expansion (unless their only purpose in making more money is to help society in some way). when a government wants more land, that's expansion. i could really go on, but almost every evil in the world is expansion at its core. it's about someone wanting to get richer, someone wanting more priviledges, and that someone is someone who doesn't need it, someone who already has it. a company who already has it. a billionaire who already has it. a government who already has it.

i understand a lot about fixing the world. i understand that solving homelessness is possible and would logically be a good investment for societies. i understand that keeping people poor and exploiting them is a way for powerful people to stay powerful. i understand that nobody who has power or money actually wants to help fix the world, because it wouldn't benefit them personally. i understand that those of us who do want to fix the world never get the resources to do so, and won't receive funding from the people who don't want it fixed. i also understand that if i became a politician, i would get death threats. my life would be even harder than it is now. i don't have the option to gamble with my safety like that, when i can't even afford warm winter clothes in my size. it's also not the very easiest job for me. the very easiest would be game designer. the second easiest would be counsellor. politician comes a bit later. i think it would be nice to perform a job that's easy for me and earn 30.000kr every month.

i have a hard time focusing on creating things these days, or focusing on learning things that would help me, like programming. i know a bit of programming, and i know the logic of it very well. i could map out the way the code should work on paper. but learning all the phrases and exact ways of putting it together takes a lot of effort from me, and with my disability it's difficult to do that. i used to draw a lot, and i studied animation very deeply for some years. i read everything about the history of animation that i came across, and about all the fundamentals, the ideas, the ways to make good animation. different mindsets, some that i agree with and some that i don't. i don't think that good animation has to be smooth, or anatomically correct, or correct in perspective. i think anything can be great if it's done with a lot of feeling and honesty and genuinity. you have to have focus. you have to know what your core is, and what the core of your animation is, what the core of each movement, each action, and each scene is. the core of each character. the core of the story, and the colour palettes. the feelings and the motifs. i don't agree that it matters if its two frames or thirty frames. the part that's going to blow people away is the feeling and the extremes. the wild bold colours, or the extremely minimal colours. the massive movements, or the nuanced tiny ones. the ones that tell a story, or the ones that give you a feeling and a sensation without a story. the ones that are anatomically correct and twenty-four frames per second are never going to matter to anyone if they don't feel like anything. that's what i think.

most things are about focus and cores and about not wasting resources on the wrong things. it's about not expanding in the wrong direction. things that come easy to me. if i had the energy, if my back didn't hurt so much, if i could buy sushi for lunch, i would make the best horse videogame in the entire history of the world. i would get more than 30.000kr per month for it, and i would give 1000kr each to 3 or 5 poor people every month to help them with their rent, or their meds, or their sick cat. i would be the responsible adult in my life who has got my back, who can support me, who can help me, and i would be that adult for others. i would pay to go to horse therapy every week, and i would still be able to save 100.000kr every year, and i would be safe, and i would be happy.

[isaacathom]

saw the dnd movie with my game club and we hooted and hollered and i cried like a widdle baby, thoroughly recommendable experience

my fav things, overall - i really liked that each member of the party got a scene to show off their shit. holga got to fuck up the guards in the alley, simon did the magic at the theatre (?), doric did her wildshape shenanigans to save a member of the emerald enclave, and zenk (sp?) did all the sick shit in the underdark. edgin didnt get anything anywhere near as flashy, but id argue that his bits were the intro with the backstory (which, fun fact, i assumed he was completely lying about until they got home) and the time stop trick at the end. hes so good. i almost reckon this was something a rebuttable to the 2000 movie, because the BIGGEST complaint is that noone other than Ridley does anything. (okay, maybe not biggest, but the most glaringly obvious).

and arguably the film also addresses the thing where 'why are these people travelling together'. edgin and holga co-raise a whole child, simon's absolutely dirt fucking broke and is relying of edgin to pull through, doric's been convinced to join as a way to stick it to the man, zenk is convinced to help because at that point they know more about Sophina and there's now like, Big Plot at play, which he also opposes idealogically. MWAH. like its so simple but the 2000s movie really fucked it for that (mostly bc they cut the scene that was integral to Ridley+Marina's arcs and shit (the one in the map) and they just. never explain why the dwarf is there. whats his deal. the ranger has a deal idr why she tagged along tho)

i also loved the section with zenk. like its hilarious structurally that hes in so little of the movie, but bc i didnt watch the marketing idgas. i thought he was great. hes there to guide the party to an item, yes, but hes really there to guide *them*. and edgin thinks thats a load of shit, but he was right! without zenk as a moral influence on the party, to remind them of what actually matters? damn.

and how thats sort of what prompts them getting out of their darkest hour. like yeah that hours damn short, a single scene really, but i like it. everyone saying this is hopeless, whats the point, whats edgin even done, and edgin finally confessing that yes! he fucked up! he's the reason any of this happened! and for fucks sake, he'll find a way out, he has to. i love it. like that scene got my ass. it was so sweet.

amd the whoolle plot of him and holga and his daughter. i loved the simplicity of the "twist" with the tablet - he kept saying 'ill bring your mother back', finally admits that what he's doing isn't bringing kira's mother back, its bringing his wife back, and then ending up using the tablet to save Holga, who is really Kira's mother in the way that matters????? that shit got me. like as soon as i saw she'd been stabbed i was like oh ay i know the plot here and yet! i wept! that shit got me. it was just so sincere, i think. like yeah, its cheesy, but its taking itself sincerely. the feelings of the three characters involved is deeply sincere.

aaaaa. i adored it. i had such a good time.