#and mind you i live in northern france

[urfriendmidas]

There is nothing better in life than hearing your favourite song playing through the grocery store speakers.

[lesbiantaylorswiftstan]

today is canada day, so here are some canadian things that i think the bau members would enjoy

hotch would love tim hortons. he wishes they had it in the states. he'd love going on a timmies run through the drive thru on the way to work. he'd love the ubiquity of tim hortons. not quite on every street corner, but pretty darn close. he would enjoy cheap, decently good coffee, and it would be so practical. his turn to bring snacks for jack's soccer tournament? box of timbits for the kids and one of those portable coffee things for the grown-ups. he doesn't know what to get someone as a gift for christmas/birthday/promotion at work? tims gift card

rossi would love canadian wines. obviously, he loves italian wine first and foremost, but he'd enjoy a good niagara region or okanagan valley wine. he'd love to go on a getaway to niagara-on-the-lake and spend the days doing winery tours, playing golf, and not answering his phone. i think he would also love roots. he'd never wear it outside the house, but he would love some good quality roots sweatpants, sweater, and wool socks

jj would love canadian snacks that aren't sold in the states. she always forgets to eat real meals when she's working, so she keeps one of the drawers of her desk stuffed with snacks. if she went to canada, she'd buy so many snacks to stock her desk with. ketchup chips, all dressed chips, coffee crisp, smarties (the canadian kind, not the american kind - we call those rockets), butter tarts, nanaimo bars. she'd find ketchup-flavoured cheetos at the store and buy so many bags of them. she'd totally get stopped at the border for accidentally trying to smuggle kinder surprise eggs into the us

emily would love québecois and northern ontario french. she learned french in france with parisian teachers, which is completely different from the way french is spoken in québec and northern ontario (which are also different from each other), both in terms of accent and vocabulary. i think she'd love trying to understand their accents and picking up new words (mostly things like tabarnak, câlice, etc)

in my mind, reid has a total sweet tooth, so i think he'd love all things maple. maple cookies, maple fudge, maple candies, maple lollipops. i forget what it's called in english, but his favourite thing would be tire d'érable. maple taffy? the thing where you pour hot maple syrup on snow and then put it on a popsicle stick and eat it. he'd have maple candies living in his pockets and at the bottom of his messenger bag for ages

derek would love small-town ontario craft breweries. obviously craft beer exists outside of canada, but literally every small town in ontario has a craft brewery or two. it's like a big thing. my dad's a beer guy and he takes detours driving places to stop at his favourite craft breweries or to go to a new one. i feel like derek's the kind of guy who enjoys cracking open a cold one after a long day of flipping houses, so he'd enjoy getting a two-four of different kinds of craft beer from a local brewery and stocking his fridge

i tried so hard to think of one thing penelope would love, but honestly i think she would love everything. she'd come back from a trip to canada with so many souvenirs. a roots toque, a bottle of real canadian maple syrup, several snacks that aren't sold in the states, handmade moccasins, a mug with indigenous artwork, and a little bobblehead moose dressed as a mountie for her desk

[patheticbatman]

@answeringmysister won this round!

The 53rd Win A Commission story was ‘West of the Sun, East of the Moon’, based on the Norwegian fairy tale, ‘East of the Sun, West of the Moon’! If you would like to read the story and see the illustrations in context, please

Dani was tired of the East Coast. Tired of the traffic, tired of the loneliness of being one in millions, tired of her family's drama.

So when a recruiter offered her a contract in Alaska, she snapped it up.

“Are you out of your mind?” Asked everyone she knew.

And every time, she would tell them the same answer. She loved her friends, her family, even her very dependent maman. But it was just too much.

“Dah-nee-el-la,” her maman would say, drawing it out in a way only a Dominican accent could. “We have no family up there! No friends! Who will take care of you?”

Unspoken was the ‘Who will take care of me?’ Maman had cancer attacking her spine.

Dani had been her roommate, her confidant, her servant, and a little bit her punching bag for too long.

Meanwhile, her brother had finished school and then some.

The lawyer for the misdiagnosis case was still working on it, but it had been eight years – so Dani did not expect anything to happen now.

Dani was 27. She deserved to have her twenties too.

“Maman, I’ll be fine. I can fly back whenever I want!” - provided that there wasn’t a snow storm – “and it’s only a year. Jordan will stay here” – to keep an eye on you, finally – “until I get back.”

Dani was not going to be dissuaded.

So when her contract at Cooper finished up and Christmas was over, Dani hopped on a plane with several bags of clothes and left for Alaska, much to her maman’s dismay.

“At least I probably won’t have any seizures!” She assured her maman as she stood in line to board. “You know they don’t really happen unless it’s too hot or bright, anymore.”

Dani flew from Philadelphia to Chicago, from Chicago to Seattle, and then stopped at a hotel for the night. The next morning, she flew to Anchorage, got delayed for 17 hours due to a storm, and finally arrived in Qikiqtaġruk.

Once upon a time, the town was called Kotzebue, after an ‘explorer’, but it had recently returned to its Iñupiaq roots. She was to work in the Maniilaq Health Center, and emergency room. She adored the fast pace, and the stretch of her mind as she sought a solution. Sure, a lot of the time she would mostly just work with colds or mild allergic reactions, but she knew how to take the fun with the boring.

She picked up the keys to the car she leased, loaded her stuff, and slowly made her way through the icy roads to the little house on the northern outskirts of town that she was renting for the year.

As she suspected, the pictures had managed to hide a couple of issues – a mold spot in the bathroom, peeling paint – but otherwise, it was a good house. Toasty, already furnished, and quiet. Plus, it had a beautiful view of the sea to the west, and the low foothills to the east.

She would never tell her maman this, but on that first day, she slept straight on the mattress, no sheets at all.

By the third day, the house was mostly set up. Dani knew that she’d have to work the next day, and was not used to the time change yet. So she made everything comfortable, treated herself to some local sushi and set up her own house.

Her very own house.

The quiet was initially unnerving – her maman’s house basically needed a revolving door, with the amount of relatives from France, England, Dominica, and all over the continental United States passed through. Dani had loved it, but long to try something a little different.

Plus, it was pretty hard to date when your maman was constantly around.

But Dani pushed that thought away. Surely she’d be too busy for that!

———

She was not. It turns out, while living alone meant that she was the only one doing chores, that also meant she did not have to clean up after anyone else. Leaving her a lot of free time.

She thought about getting a cat, but decided against it. She really liked only having to take care of herself.

But that didn’t mean she liked being with only herself, all the time.

The other staff at Maniilaq were extremely friendly, and Dani could not keep track of how many outings, parties or high school sports games she attended with her new friends. Most of them were paired up or married to someone in town or close by, but that did not mean her options were limited.

After all, EVERYBODY had a cousin or a friend or a grandmother’s dog’s groomer’s husband’s brother’s neighbor who was just perfect for her.

And when she let slip she was pan? That just opened her up to more matchmaking attempts.

Finally, after the potential stress of starting dating around Valentine’s Day had passed – she had spent that weekend watching sappy romances over Teleparty with her old friend Manuela - Dani agreed to go on a couple dates.

“Just a few!” She warned, stomach sinking at the overly large grins on her coworkers’ faces. She could’ve sworn Melissa in the back was chanting under her breath, “Fresh meat!” Over and over again.

A few (“Just three or four!”) turned to several (“Eighth time’s the charm!”) Until the amount reached the double digits. Dani was becoming pretty familiar with the restaurants in town, much to her palate’s delight and her wallet’s chagrin.

A few were a little too quiet for her taste people. People she ended up befriending, but not dating. She wanted someone to help her fill her house with singing, talking and just general noise.

Some just had beliefs and habits that grated on her own. Things like not stopping completely at a stop sign, or asking excessively personal questions when she mentioned her last boyfriend was trans. Those people, she ghosted as soon as she got home.

Then there was that lady who was extremely forward and did not take no for an answer when Dani refused to kiss her good night. Danny had to jab her in the kidney before she got the message. Dani had a slight frame, but a mean left hook.

Thankfully, the friend who recommended Ms. Handsy was very ashamed and told Dani that her cousin had really only been up for the the woman anyway. Dani happily never saw her again.

On her thirteenth (“And last!”) date, Dani went out with a person named Ada. They were tall, and rounded in a way that told Dani that they really liked food, but enjoyed exercise too. They had spider bite piercings, catching the light under their smooth brown lips. Their dark eyes sparkled with mirth, accentuated by their eyelashes and facial tattoos, a skin tapestry of pride. Their hair and little mustache were black with cinnamon strands in the light, and straight as a pin. Overall, Ada was pretty cute.

“What’s something fun I can do when it’s hot out?” Dani asked after they made their introductions and ordered. “I’m enjoying catching up on my shows and books here – one of the first things I did was get a library card – but I am looking forward to the sun again.”

Ada giggled. “Yeah, I guess it’s a big change from New Jersey! It won’t even be warm enough to play in the snow for another month, basically.” They thought for a moment. “Well, we have a couple wailing festivals around the area – I am a champ at blanket-tossing.”

Dani didn’t know what that was exactly but nodded anyway.

“–And there’s sailing and hiking and – oh! Probably the biggest change is that we kind of become – what’s the word? You know, not diurnal or nocturnal but the other one?”

Dani nodded in her head. “Crep- crap- creps-”

“Crepsuc- crepus-”

“Crepuscular?”

“Crepuscular!” Ada hit their palm on the table. “Yes, that!” Suddenly embarrassed, they lowered their voice. “It doesn’t get disgustingly hot exactly. Our summers usually only hit the 60s, with only a few days much higher than that. Global warming, you know.” They rolled their eyes and Dani joined in. “But what does happen is that it gets so bright you could burn just like that!” They snapped their fingers.

Dani looked at their skin, a warm terra-cotta, darker than her own tawny. Both were slightly pallid from the lack of sun. “I don’t burn easy. It even affects you?”

“Oh yeah. So we all kind of exist during the sunrise and sunset. Even some jobs switch their shifts to those times.”

“Don’t they like, end quickly? You make it sound like sunset is a whole eight hours.”

They shrug. “It’s not eight hours, but it is a couple hours. If we were a few hours more north, the sun wouldn’t go down at all!”

Dani sat back. “Huh. I know the sun shows up differently around the world – I was even attracted to the darkness of your winter! – But I guess I didn’t really think about how it would balance with the rest of the year.”

Ada’s eyes gleamed. “Yes! And –”

The server returned with their food. For Ada, a mushroom burger with no cheese and lots of fries. And for Dani, French toast and a small salad with a vinaigrette.

“God, food is so expensive here!” Dani complained when the server walked out of the earshot. “Unless you’re getting fish – which for the record I do like – then it costs an arm and a leg!”

Ada shrugged. “Well, when the government heavily regulates our local food sources, and businesses don’t want to ship up here…” Her mouth twisted and she shrugged again. “We eat the shipping costs. But I’ve heard that the shipping lane up to Anchorage is getting more popular. Used to be, we’d get everything shipped from Vancouver or Seattle.”

Dani, who had grown up smack dab between New York City, Philadelphia and Baltimore on land colonized partly for its fertility, could only shrug back. She had always been in the center of food and shipping. “That sucks.”

“Yeah. But all this talk about food made me remember we were talking about things to do in the summer!”

“Oh?” Dani said, taking a bite of her French toast.

“I like to go on sunset picnics. Dawn’s are pretty too, obviously, but then the daytime hits and there’s hardly any chance to see the lights.”

“The aurora borealis?”

“Yeah. I, of course, have seen many,” they said smugly. “But I never get tired of them.” Ada took another bite of their burger. “I heard this year, 2024, is going to be especially pretty and strong. Magnet cycles or something.”

“I’ve always wanted to see one,” Dani admitted. “My cousin in New Zealand once saw the southern one – the australis, I think? And didn’t shut up about it for weeks.”

“Well, we’ll have to go and see some.” Ada smiled shyly.

Dani smiled back. “Sounds like a plan.”

They chatted as they ate, and Dani enjoyed herself so much that she suggested they stay for dessert.

“Best not,” Ada said, genuinely remorseful. “Looks like we’re due for another storm.” She pointed a thumb at the window.

“Oh snap! That reminds me. I have to go to Margie’s Materials before they close.” At Ada’s bemused look, she explained, “I’m making curtains. To block out the noise from the wind and I guess now to block out the summer sun.”

Ada nodded. “Yeah you’ll need them. Mention my name, she might knock off a dollar or two. We go way back.”

Dani beamed. “Thanks, Ada! Text me!”

She was still smiling as she paid her bill, picked up the material, and drove all the way home.

———

Of course, this was the one time that winter that the storm lasted for more than three days. On days Dani had to work, she woke up early, drove incredibly slow to work, hands gripped tight on the wheel, practically slid over the road, ice inches thick. Otherwise, she stayed at home, cursing at all the streaming services that were unavailable, and the frequent power outages. She did a lot of reading and sewing by candlelight and by the window. It was not the best thing for her eyes, but as a friend back home liked to say, boredom was the mind killer.

What she most enjoyed was texting with Ada, when the signals permitted. They were quite sweet and funny, and helped her create increasingly bizarre meals as her food supplies dwindled.

Dani

<<I swear my fridge was full just a few days ago. But I just don’t like driving out in this weather. And on a workday, by the time I get out, either the store is about to close or I’m so tired I just wanna go to bed!>>

Ada

<<I know what you mean lol. I live closer to my work than you do but further from Rottman’s. It sucks.>>

Dani

<<Yes! And really, they’re not that far! If it was warmer out, I’d walk>>

Ada

<<And I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 more. To be the nb who walked a thousand miles to bring food to your door>>

Dani

<<😆❤️>>

Ada

<<Wait, actually do you live far? Maybe we can still have lunch together.>>

Dani‘s heart skipped the beat. Her maman did always say romance bloomed fast out in the country. She texted her address before she could lose her nerve.

Ada

<<Nice, I’m less than a five minute drive to your place. I’ll bring some home cooking. Lunch tomorrow sound good?>>

Dani

<<Omg you’re too amazing. Thank you!!! ❤️ >>

Casting her eyes around the house, Dani felt renewed vigor for her projects. “I have to show Ada my magnum opus when she gets here!”

Outside, a gust of wind blew especially hard, as if in an agreement.

———

Dani expected Ada around noon – but had yet to hang up her curtains.

A text came through.

Ada

<<Truck won’t start, I’ll be a little late.>>

Dani

<<No worries! I’ll put some candles at the window so you know which house is mine if it gets snowy again. My porch light is broken.>>

She started hanging the curtains all around the house, working double time. But as she was short and did not trust the chair she used a stepladder all that much, she was still very slow.

By the time the very last one was finished, her phone said it was 12:17.

Outside the wind started whipping again, and she neither saw a car coming up her street or anybody off-roaring in the snow planes and the low foot hills behind her house, encircling the ocean and bay.

Which meant she probably still had enough time to put all her candles out. Her family had always prized appearing perfectly ready for guests. Dani kept the habit up, because she enjoyed feeling organized. She drew away each curtain from the windows, and placed a candle on the sill. She missed summer, so she had all the more tropical scents out.

Just as she was sitting out her favorite piña colada candle, the wind cleared away from her eastern window, and she saw a large shape out back. Was that …

“Holy crap,” she breathed. “A polar bear!”

She knew they lived in the area, of course. As per her coworkers advice, she kept her trash in the garage and only set it out the morning before garbage trucks came by.

“They eat ANYTHING,” Barry emphasized. “Polar bears would be happy to eat your trash. Or,” he wiggled his fingers, “you!”

Dani had rolled her eyes at the time, but had listened, and was now glad for it.

The animal was huge – possibly 5 foot at the shoulder. And it was dragging something?

A thought struck her, and Dani’s blood turned ice. She hadn’t heard from Ada in a while, and they’ve been talking about, walking to her house just yesterday.

She grabbed her phone out of her pocket. No answer. Called Ada. No answer. Call Ada. No answer.

Her gut roiled as the beast got closer to the house. There was even something red in the trail following the bear.

She tried calling again, but her service went out. Desperately she typed out,

Dani

<<There’s a polar bear near my house! Please tell me you aren’t walking!>>

But just as she was about to hit send, the polar bear stopped right next to her window. She ducked around the window.

And suddenly there was no polar bear anymore. Instead, there stood Ada, adjusting their kuspuk, hat and mittens, shivering occasionally. And the thing behind her was a sled with a bundle on top. It was leaking red, but instead of blood, it was just a jam jar, fallen over and cracked open, dripping.

Dani could only gape.

Apparently satisfied with their looks, Ada pulled the sled a little further, out of her sight.

Oh God. Was she going to let them in? Maybe she had imagined it. But it was so cold! Plus, kuspuks were about as warm as sweatshirts – pretty good for weather over 40 degrees but nowhere near warm enough for a day like this. So something was definitely wrong. But she couldn’t just leave Ada out there! Even if she was a polar bear before, she certainly wasn’t one now.

Knock, knock, knock!

No time to hesitate now!

Swallowing down the rush of rmotion she weathered the last few minutes, Dani flew to the door. “Ada!” She plastered on a smile.

“Dani!” They answered back, their smile real, spider bite piercings glinting in the sun.

Dani’s heart skipped a beat.

And the wind smacked her in the face and invaded the house. “Come in, come in! Do you need help bringing the food in?”

“No,” Ada said, grabbing the sled one-armed. “I’m good.”

Dani’s heart fluttered again. That sled looked heavy. Still, she scooted around her tall date and grabbed the leaking jam jar. “Don’t want to spill in the house!” She tittered.

Ada covered their mouth with their other hand. “Oh, I didn’t even see that come. Dang it! That was my last jar of nagoonberry jam! Aata - my Dad - won’t share anymore of his.”

“Nagoonberry? And how did you get here? I don’t see a car.”

“My truck still won’t start, so a friend dropped me off down the street.

They hadn’t come in the direction of the street.

“Are you insane? It’s single digits out there!”

Ada shrugged asshe finished shaking off her snow pants - the last of her winter clothes to go. “Darling, maybe I’m just built different.”

Dani couldn’t help but laugh. In more ways than one! “Okay, so what did you bring me, muscles?”

Ada pulled a large basket out of a snugly wrapped blanket, which in turn had been wrapped in a tarp. “To keep the ice off, but the cool in,” they explained. The basket was woven tightly, wide and low, with a huge a huge lid, topped by a carved fish, probably made of ivory or bone.

“So, I hope you’re not too hungry, because I wanted to give you a little lesson before we eat.”

She nodded. “Are you gonna tell me about the nagoonberry?

Ada waved their hand. “All good time.” They pulled two Tupperware containers and stuck them in the freezer. “For later.” Finally, they opened up the basket, and began laying out the food.

“So I was mostly raised up in Utqiagvik, with my aakaga, my mom, until I was about 14-ish. My parents divorced when I was little. I’d see Aata in the summers and sometimes winter break if the weather was mild. Then mom’s writing career finally took off – remind me to bring a couple copies over sometime – and she had to go on a tour. So I moved in with Aata!”

“Let me guess – that’s when you started being interested in making food?”

“You bet! I mean, I knew how to heat up a pizza or make cookie dough. But Dad’s budget was a little tighter, and he’s a lot more connected to his people, so… yeah. Aaka and I are Iñupiak – that’s the dual form of Iñupiat, which is –”

“I know what a dual form ⁂ is!” Dani said excitedly.

Ada lifted their eyes brows, but continued. “Fair enough! Well, Aaka was not very traditional when I was growing up. She had to attend a lot of church as a kid, and she spent a lot more time with her father’s family than her mother’s. I think she was still sorting herself out from that, you know? But anyway, Dad is very Yup’ik. Not dual form for that, by the way,” they flashed a smile. “The plural is just Yup’ik, we don’t really conjugate it anymore.”

“Is this going to be Yup’ik food?”

“You bet! You say you like sushi –”

“Oh yeah,” Dani confirmed, eyes gleaming.

Ada chuckled. “Well, then you’re definitely going to like this. More protein, less filler, all local.” They pulled off the lid. “You seem to tend towards sweet-and-sour foods more than anything, and you mentioned wanting to eat more protein.” They smiled shyly. “So I took that into account. I’m going to introduce you to qassaq.”

Once again, Dani was speechless. Both because she was touched and in awe of the gesture, and because she didn’t know what that meant.

Ada must’ve seen her her face, because they started grabbing dishes out of the basket. “Okay! So this is not the most comprehensive introduction to Yup’ik cuisine, and I did end up going to the grocery store for some ingredients, but I figured we could ease into it.”

“This,” they held up a small casserole dish. “Is modern assaliaq. It’s a fried fish casserole with mostly bulb and root type veggies. That’ll be our main course. I’m going to heat it up in your oven, if you don’t mind.”

Dani shook her head and took the assaliaq, mouth dry. All this, for a second date? “How hot?”

Ada told her, then continued “This, if you dare,” they smirked. “is ciss’uq. Much more traditional, and a bit of a delicacy.”

Dani sniffed. Even wrapped up, its scent was strong and inviting. “What is it?”

“It’s fermented herring. Pulled it out right before I found out my truck wouldn’t start.”

“It definitely smells sweet!”

“If you enjoy this, then I think you’ll really like Tepa. But, that’s more of a summer food, remind me to show you later.” They moved on. “This is tepcuaraq, which is fermented frozen salmon. We can dip in some seal oil!” They set the container aside, with a little tureen on top. “And finally … drumroll, please!”

Dani happily obliged, giggling.

“Ice cream! Just in case you do want dessert. I wasn’t sure what you’d like, so I bought Neapolitan.” They grinned, a little sheepish.

After a moment, all Dani could say was, “I am blown away. You made all of this?” She gestured all around the kitchen as she put the ice cream in the freezer.

Ada smiled, still bashful “I really enjoyed talking with you, Dani.”

“I feel so unprepared!” Dani joked. “But I really like talking to you too.” She felt the blood rush to her face. “I hope you aren’t expecting to go home with leftovers, because I really want to try everything!”

———

Dani wasn’t sure if she’d ever eaten so much in her life. “You eat like this every day?” She asked, dipping another filet into the nearly gone seal oil. Another bite couldn’t hurt.

“I mean, not usually when I’m working. The counseling center is great, but I don’t normally pack a ton just for one meal. I’m a snacker, so I make a bunch of little stuff on the weekends and eat it throughout the day. But you can’t snack all day for a date!”

“How is that? By the way, don’t you guys counsel like, everyone from miles around? That must get a little bit conflict of interest-y with everyone being so tight around here.”

Ada shrugged. “I mean, I like helping people. Especially kids. On Thursday and Fridays the Center sends me to both of the schools to check up more personally, in case parents don’t want to bring them in.” They shook their head. “It’s like no one remembers how tough it is to be a kid sometimes.”

“I know!” Dani fumed. “Back home, a little girl was brought in after burned her foot when she put it on the stove top.” Both winced. “Not only were the parents careless, but they didn’t understand why she nearly screamed herself blue! It was the most painful thing that little baby had ever felt. It’s like they forgot everything is new.”

“Exactly.” Ada nodded.

Dani couldn’t stop smiling. A pretty date, good food, and excellent conversation. She didn’t want this to end. “Do you wanna watch something?”

“Sure! Have you seen Dungeon Meshi?”

Dani shook her head. “Isn’t that on Netflix? I think my friend just started.”

“Let’s watch that! I think it features cooking and fighting.”

Laughing, Dani grabbed two bowls and two spoons. “Everything is food with you, huh?” She grabbed the ice cream and a scoop. She could probably fit in dessert. “So why aren’t you a cook?”

Ada laughed too. “I tried for a year! But I like to take my time while cooking. I just couldn’t keep up at any of the restaurants. So I eventually got my psych degree.”

“Yeah, the restaurant business is tough. I do not miss being a waitress.” Dani handed Ada their half of the ice cream, with most of the chocolate and some of the strawberry. Dani took most of the vanilla nd the rest of the strawberry. “Hey, doesn’t Alaska have its own type of ice cream or something?”

Ada nodded as she pulled up the show. “Mhm. We call it akutuq, Inuit or Alaskan ice cream. It’s kinda like this?” She held up her bowl. “In that it’s a cold mix of sweet and fat. You have to try it. But I used up all my berries, so you’re not getting any soon. Though Lou still owes me – wait. I doubt xe has any either. Ugh.”

“Another summer treat?

“We’ll have to see,” Ada shrugged. “Oh well. You ready to watch?”

———

By the time the two had reached the second to last of the episodes released - they kept one-moreing it straight through episode six - it was quite dark.

“Let me give you a ride home,” Dani said. “I can’t believe I didn’t think of it earlier.”

Ada snorted. “You’re silly. But yeah, I’d be happy to save the trip.”

Dani dashed out to start the car, and they finished episode seven.

After both had finished redressing - for if the trucks heat suddenly failed, they did not wish to be cold – Dani drove her home. The sky was briefly clear, and they could see the moon setting on the sea.

It looked like a fairly normal home, even with an absolutely true part-time† polar bear living there. Dani did not see any polar bear paraphernalia. Not even a Welcome mat with paw prints in the pattern. She shrugged mentally and and gave Ada a kiss on the cheek.

Judging from their bashful reaction, they really liked it. With a wave goodbye and a “Text you later!” They grabbed the sled from her truck bed and rushed in the door, narrowly avoiding a particular vicious torrent of wind.

Dani played some instrumental music on the slow ride back, truck occasionally rocking and sliding against the onslaught of wind and ice. She hummed along, in between growls of frustration.

It had been kind of stupid to invite someone new over her own house, when emergency services could take a while to respond, for a second date. It had been monumentally stupid to invite a known anthropophagous bear into her house.

But God, Ada was cute. Dani was surprised they hadn’t kissed during their long date. Had it really been six hours? Dani had trouble enjoying that amount of time with any of her previous partners – and she had been thinking about marrying her ex-boyfriend!

Ada was witty, and sweet, and quite cuddly. And God, could they cook! The food they made was delicious, and made Dani feel brave and adventurous. Their shoulders were to die for, and Dani didn’t think she had felt that warm since last summer.

She shook her head. “I’ve got it bad.”

And what did this mean magically? Were all the things her grandparents worried about real? Was the Evil Eye real? Should she start wearing a cross? Was God real?

Then Ada popped up in her head again, and her worries melted away at thought of her cute date. Dani’s existential crises could wait until she got home.

———

Both Ada and Dani were busy with work, but they made time to see each other at least every Saturday – often extending all the way into Sunday.

Spring was slow to come, but as the weather warmed from ‘Immediate frostbite’ to only ‘You really just need one pair of mittens to go outside’ Ada delighted in showing off the beauty of town in the spring time. They walked around Swan Lake, pointing out the animals’ coats shifting to summer morphs, and the occasional bits of green fighting their way to the surface. They worked out together most days, and Ada would often fill Dani’s fridge up with food, but especially qassaq.

The sunlight increased every day and Dani loved it. She missed the easier weather back home, the earlier flowers, and the perfect days of May, but Dani was enjoying her break from home far more. It was worth it.

Dani’s hair, which she usually kept straightened, was starting to get on her nerves. The static electricity from the cold certainly did not help.

Dani

<<Ugh, I wish I had remembered to bring the good straightening stuff. I bet it will cost me an arm and a leg to get it shipped up here.>>

Ada

<<Darling>>

<<We do have hairstylists>>

Dani Scoffed.

Dani

<<Babe. No offense, but your hair is straight>>

Ada

<<Darling>>

Ada liked to double text for affect.

Ada

<<Where do you think my cousin Kayla and her mom got their hair done?>>

Dani had met their cousin when she came to visit Ada’s dad, Greg, for the first time. Delighted to finally meet her, Greg celebrated by cooking a little feast. The three stuffed themselves full of qageq, cuakapaq and tamukassaaq, which they ate like if chips were chewy.

While they played Sorry!, relatives stopped by to chat. They would then see Dani, and then the little chat would last at least half an hour while they introduced themselves and told at least one embarrassing story about Ada.

Dani quite enjoyed it, though by the end, she was a little exhausted. It was the first time she’d been on the other end of the dynamic.

One of the other relatives, a very old man, had referred to Ada by a different name a few times, but his son, who’d been with him, smiled apologetically. “He gets confused sometimes.”

Kayla had been the adorable daughter of Cousin James and his wife Kendra. She and her mom had most definitely not had she and her maman most definitely did not have hair as straight as a pin. In fact, Kendra had tried to talk to Dani about her hair, but then Greg’s cat Hobbes had knocked her glass off the table. By the time everything had been cleaned, the little family had to go because it was a school night.

Dani

<<All right, I’ll bite>>

A little part of her wanted to ask if this is where they got their fur done as a polar bear.

Ada

<<Guys & Gals Inc.>>

Dani checked out the next day, and was pleasantly surprised at their work. For the first time in over 15 years, she let herself be talked into a natural hairstyle, instead of straightening it. Maybe all that talk about reconnecting from Ada had gotten to her.

Sabrina, her stylist, was mixed Yup’ik and Black, and very chatty but in a welcoming way. “So why did you straighten it for so long?” She said, working on another bead. “It seems like you took care of it, I don’t see too much damage, but that’s a long time!”

Dani considered the question for good moment. “My hometown, back in New Jersey, was almost perfectly half and half black andwhite when I was growing up. It’s a little different now, but there’s pretty much the same ratio between black-and-white.”

Sabrina was nodding.

“But my family is from Dominica – NOT the Dominican Republic – so we were pretty different from the other black folk already there. My parents have accent, we eat goats and organ meat, and with my Papa away for work a lot, no one could drive us kids around. I just wanted to be,” Dani tried to find a better word. “Normal.” She winced.

“So you hung out with more white kids?

“Yes. Jordan – my brother – didn’t really care, but I did. And to be normal –”

“You have to be like everyone on TV, AKA, mostly white people.”

Dani felt small. “Yes. After a while, it just became habit. And my maman’s half Kalinago❧ , so her hair is just wavy.” She sighed. “When she had to learn how to deal with all this,” Dani gestured to her own hair, “she had quite a lot to say.”

Sabrina chuckled. “Sounds like your mom should have thought of that when she married your dad. Because you have beautiful, definitely curly, 4A hair.” Sabrina squeezed her hand comfortingly on Dani shoulder, “In any case, hon, better late than never. Look at yourself!”

Dani looked up, and gasped.

She hadn’t been sure if she’d been able to pull off the hairstyle as an adult, but she had wanted it all the same. Her scalp had always been sensitive, and she avoided tight braids when she could.

Instead, she had opted for long twists, stabilized by beads of bone and baleen, the latter of which had a stripe of golden paint in the middle of each bead.

She felt gorgeous. Even if she never wore her hair like this again, she knew she treasure the beads forever.

Dani was still feeling gorgeous by the time she got home. But she was also exhausted.

Staying still for several hours with genuinely hard work! Ada had been knocked out all weekend when she got her hand kakiniit done. She flopped onto the couch after lighting a candle. She looked at the time on her phone. It was three hours until six… That meant she could have an hour to snooze, an hour to cook, and then she should be ready! Dani set an alarm on her phone. A little nap wouldn’t hurt.

———

Dani was at a restaurant, alone. She kept ordering qassaq and quaq dishes, but the polar bear waiter kept bringing foods that were further and further away from what she was ordering. From sashimi to grilled chicken and on and on, until the waiter lifted the lid to her plate, and it was a lettuce leaf vegan burrito.

In between all that, the polar bear brought up a ringing telephone, set it down, and left it on the table.

She would pick up, or immediately hang it up, but after what felt like mere moments would pass, it would ring again. In exasperation, she picked it up and threw it away. There was a crash, but finally the ringing was far enough away that it stopped bothering her.

“Dani!” Someone in the restaurant called. “Dani! Wake up!”

Dani whirled around, but couldn’t seem to locate the voice.

CRASH!

With the start, Dani woke up to see her candle on the floor, burning, her door was off its hinges, her phone was still ringing on the other side of the room, and for half a second a polar bear stood at her doorstep.

Then a flash, and it was Ada.

The fire caught onto Dani’s sock. She ripped it off, and beat the blaze on the floor with it.

When she looked up again, sock and floor out but still smoking, Ada was running over with a pot of water from the kitchen. She dumped it onto the smoky mess.

Heart beating wildly, Dani caught their eye. And started giggling.

Ada tried to keep their face straight, but soon started giggling with her, both falling back onto the couch and relief and the stupidity of it all.

“I can reattach - hehe – the hinges,” Ada said, after they mostly finish laughing. “Are you okay?”

Dani was not done laughing. “Just – hmheehm – Bam! And you’re there,” she kissed Ada, then giggled a bit more. “My hero!”

Blood rushed to Ada’s face. “Yeah, yeah. Your hair looks pretty, by the way. The beads are a nice touch.”

“Heehmhm – you just like them because your cousin carved them.”

“How did you know Josie makes beads?”

“Well, the little stand at the hairstylist had a blurb about her, and from there it was a lucky guess. You have a lot of cousins.”

Ada smiled. “You got me there.” Their face turned serious for a second. “Actually, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.”

“Oh?” Dani’s heart raced. Did Ada realize that she had seen her as a polar bear today? Could they both finally come clean?

Ada took a shuddering breath. “Yeah, so, I’ve been thinking, and… I’m going to change my pronouns.” Dani’s trepidation fell, but then turned to excitement. “Awesome! What are you thinking? Neo pronouns? I played fae/faer in college. Or xe/xir? My friend uses those. Or –”

Ada looked a little overwhelmed. “No, no. I was just thinking she/her. Like, I’m going to try both they/them and she/her for a while.”

Dani hugged her. “Thanks for telling me. I have a question for you too.” She had actually been planning on asking this at dinner, but now felt right.

“Oh?” Ada said, slightly mocking.

“Yeah, oh. Listen, do you want to be my themfriend?”

Ada kissed Dani. “Hell yeah.” Then her stomach rumbled. “I’m guessing you didn’t make dinner?” Her stomach rumbled again. “Because I’m starving.”

“Yeah, next time I say I’m cooking, I won’t get my hair done first. How about I pick up Chinese, and you get my door. Thank you, by the way.”

Ada waved her off. “It was no problem. Now go get me some General Tso’s!” They got up to get the tools from underneath Dani’s sink.

“As you wish.”

———

“Darling?”

“Hm?”

“There’s a festival up in Utqiagvik, where my aakaga, my mom lives. Do you want to go?”

“Sure! I’d love to hear more embarrassing stories about you. I’m sure your aaka has tons.”

“Ugh, why do I love you?”

“Because I’m cute. Now hand me some of that arumaarrluk.

———

It had just been getting into light jacket weather in Qikiqtaġruk when it was time to fly up to Utqiagvik.

“It’s the northernmost spot of the Unethical Spoils of America!” Ada grinned while Dani worked that one out.

“Oh, USA. Okay, good one. Why are you bringing that up while I am packing, my thrilling themfriend?”

“Because, my striking sweetheart, it will not be warm enough to wear your pantsuit.” She said, pointing out the pantsuit Dani had laid out.

“Don’t you mean my PAN-tsuit?” Dani grinned briefly as Ada groaned. “And for real?”

“I mean, pack it if you want? Global warming and stuff, I could be wrong, but whenever I go there, it’s still pretty chilly. But suits look weird layered, my pretty panwoman.”

“I think I will, my lovely lesbian.” Dani stuck out her tongue, and Ada pretended to grab it. She shrieked and tackled her girlfriend to the floor, both laughing.

———

Utqiagvik, or Barrow as some of the older people said out of habit, still had snow. Dani wondered briefly if Ada’s polar bear form missed it, but she did not ask.

She loved Ada, but knowing the secret – and knowing that Ada was both keeping it from her and didn’t want Dani to know – was eating her up inside. And she was determined to have a good time – and if the opportunity arose, and the time felt right? Then she’d bring it up!

After an exhausting few flights – they had to fly south to Anchorage to catch a flight to Utqiagvik – Dani was ready to fall asleep. She was still adjusting to incredibly long days, and the solstice had just passed.

Thankfully, Ada’s mom Barbara was waiting for them at the airport. She gave her child a hug and a kunik∵ , and then turned to Dani. “You must be the girlfriend I’ve been hearing so much about!” She opened her arms once more.

Dani hugged the woman back. “Hi Ms. Stevens! I just finished reading book 6, and I’m itching to find a copy of next one! Ada doesn’t want to give me hers!”

Ada squawked in indignation. “Aaka, that’s not true! I los– I mean, I lent it out to someone else. I’m sure … Barry will give it back soon!”

Ada‘s mom rolled her eyes. “Please dear, call me Barbara. And I have extra copies to give you both so that Ada can ‘lend’ out a few more.” She winked.

“Aaka!” Ada whined.

———

Somehow, it was even brighter in Utqiagvik, then Qikiqtaġruk, despite the extra fog. But that didn’t stop the whaling festival, Nalukataq.

A lot of the butchering was already done, so the whales were fresh and ready to eat, and people were clearing out their freezers for any bit of last year’s catch.

Since everyone there was a fan of snacking all day, Dani was soon stuffed. As a newcomer, the whale guts and flippers were offered, and then there was the coffee and the goose and the caribou soups. And of course, the frybread! It was a delicious medley.

Ada happily introduced her to her maternal family, and friends from before she moved. They ran into many of them, because virtually the whole city had turned out for the festival.

There were so many vendors selling beautiful combs, baskets, parkas, kuspuks, embroidered boots, and so many other beautiful things. Dani ended up buying a basket for herself (topped by a polar bear), an arctic fox carving, and a baby blanket embroidered and lined with rabbit fur. It was ridiculously soft and fluffy.

Her friend Annika, who she was going to see on her trip back to New Jersey the following month, was due August, and she figured it made for a great baby gift.

Barbara winked when she saw the baby blanket, and Dani tried to explain herself, but Barbara just poked her in the side. “Come on, dear. You should see Ada at the blanket toss. It’s what the festival was named for, after all!”

The activity so far had been fun, but more expected, like prayer at the church, singing, storytelling, there would be dancing later, and the distribution of meat between family. Ada’s cousin Malik had done the majority of the hunting this year, but Ada promised to come help in 2025.

The songs were lovely, but sounded off to Dani, who been hearing a lot of Yup’ik the last couple months.

“Yes, it’s like Spanish and Portuguese, or so I’m told,” said Barbara, as they strolled over to the blanket toss. “Yup’ik and Iñupiaq. They’re fairly different, despite being relatively close. I couldn’t understand Greg when he slipped into Yup’ik, I’ll tell you what!” She chortled.

“Do you miss having Ada up here?” Dani asked quietly. Being around Barbara reminded her of her maman.

“Of course. But they’re happy in Qikiqtaġruk, and I’m happy here, and they come visit very fairly often. If they,” here she raised her eyebrows meaningfully, “ ever were to have kids, I would of course expect to have quality grandma time. But seeing as all involved are adults, we all do as we wish.”

To cover up for her blush, Dani laughed. “You should meet my maman, I’m sure you two would have fun, bugging about grandkids.”

The two arrived at the blanket toss. A huge blanket, mapkuq, sewn together out of walrus and seal hide, lay stretched between ginormous whalebone stands, with a host of people surrounding the edges.

“Okay, Dani, I have to help out now –” she nodded over to the tarp, where a few spots around could still be seen – “But why don’t you climb up on my truck! That way you can see my girl best.”

Dani, excited because she still wasn’t quite sure what to expect – she hadn’t spoiled herself at all – clambered up the red truck and situated herself upon the roof.

First came the captains. All but the oldest, who held a cane, got up on the mapkuq, and took their turn.

One, two, three bounces, and then four! The naluaqtit, the pullers, would pull the mapkuq taut, and up would go the captains.

Being generally older and serious, they would perform as straightforward a jump as possible, with minimal kicking, but by the end, even the most of dour of the nalukatat, blanket dancers, would land back upon the mapkuq, slightly winded, but grinning despite themselves.

Non-pullers were gathered around the mapkuq, which worried Dani somewhat. What if someone fell on them?

After the captains were the wives. “In old times,” Dani heard a nearby father tell the little boy sitting on his shoulders, “They used to toss baleen and tobacco, and other such treats, to show their competency as providers. But today they throw –“

“Candy!” Squealed the little boy, leaning past his father’s head as he reached for the tossed candy. The father, nearly bowled over by his son’s excitement, chuckled and gently warned the boy to be careful.

To Dani’s relief, the boy obeyed, and the two moved closer to the candy rain.

The last of the wives, who seemed young and athletic, hopped up on the map with clear excitement bubbling under her skin. She held a bag of candy, but unlike her predecessors, seemed to have something more in mind.

The young woman whispered to the leading naluaqtiq. He nodded, and then the woman went to the center of the blanket.

This time, the naluaqtit seemed to lift the mapkuq with an extra heave, and on that final bounce, the young woman went sailing into the sky.

She twirled the bag of candy by its bottom, high above her head and whooped, much to the delight of the entire crowd, Dani included. The candy went far and wide. Then she when she landed, the naluaqtit sent her up again! This time, she did a backflip and landed in a curtsy. Everyone cheered. From their reaction, it appeared the captains’ wives usually did not do such things.

Next step was apparently amateurs. Three separate people accidentally bounced off the mapkuq and into the crowd – who caught them quite readily. Dani realized they were so close so they could catch any accidental crowd surfers. The mapkuq was held on hard ground, so that the naluaqtit could hold it steady. Which meant a terrible landing for any who weren’t caught. Dani was just glad she didn’t have to rush into action.

Someone called for any new volunteers, and Dani thought about it, but ultimately held off. Between her full stomach, and the fact that she didn’t know many people, she felt it would be best to hold off. Maybe next year.

Next year? A small part of her whispered.

Shut up, a larger part whispered back.

Finally, she spotted her themfriend and cheered.

They strode up to the mapkuq confidently, with a few wolf whistles and whoops in their wake.

“Ada!”

“Ayo! It’s the champion!”

“We missed you at the Olympics!”

Ada smirked and shrugged off their attention.

The crowd stood at the ready.

The blanket bounced one, two, three times. She went up. A simple jump. Then to Dani’s awe, they flipped not once – not twice — but thrice.

They were spinning, so tight that it was like Dani was looking at a ball.

Only their braids, whose fur wrappings were coming loose, flew freely as they soared higher, higher, higher – nearly skimming the clouds it seemed – and then hurtled down.

Dani‘s breath caught in her throat her girlfriend approached the mapkuq. Would she fall, just like that?

Then the last second, her legs shot out, the mapkuq arose to meet her feet and up she went again. Two barrel rolls, a backflip, and on the last flip, Ada unfolded herself a little early and landed like a surfer. She lifted her arms and whooped.

The city went wild. Dani went wild. She launched herself off the truck and flew over, grasping Ada’s face and kissing her in front of the roaring crowd.

She had the coolest girlfriend in the world.

———

Barbara was incredibly proud of her child, and was bragging all the way back to her place after the day’s festivities ended. She stopped to breathe for a second, and Ada was about to get a word in edgewise, when Barbara turned to Dani, who was riding shotgun.

“Ada is great at all sort of sports. They must’ve been practicing quite a lot at your little gym – the Lord knows no one’s pulled that level of a trick for a while.”

“Aaka,” Ada pleaded, blushing.

———

“So you were in the Winter Olympics and you never told me?” Dani poked Ada in the side. They were walking at dusk, the cool air blowing off the water just this side of kuspuk, not coat.

Ada laughed. “It’s not the Olympics you’re thinking of, I’m surprised I forgot to tell you.” A pause, then, “I won third place in the 400 m dash in the Summer 2016 Olympics.”

“Really?!”

“No, no,” They said, and laughed. And then yelled when Dani poked them in the side once more. “Okay, okay! I used to do some jumps in the World Eskimo – Indian Olympics, the WEIO¤, in Fairbanks. I went for the first time with my dad, competed two years later. I didn’t go during Covid, and between this trip and then the trip to NJ,” they squeezed her hand, “which I’m very excited about – I haven’t been able to go to one in a while. But maybe we can go, next year!”

There was that dreaded phrase again. Next year.

Dani swallowed around the lump in her throat. “Was that the only kind of jump? The nalukataq?”

“Nope. But I mostly did stuff like the tow jump or the knuckle jump. I’d show you, but one requires a little set up and the other would hurt on the concrete.”

“I’ve never done anything like that.” Dani confessed after a moment. Then, “But I used to be point guard on my middle school basketball team. We should totally play some on one when we get to find a court! After you show me these jumps, of course.”

Ada squeezed her hand. “It’s a date.”

Fog started rolling towards their path, so both turned tail to head back to Barbara’s.

“Oh, is that a … rainbow, or something?” Dani pointed to a ring of light that encircled the setting sun. It appeared white, but the more she stared at it, the more pink and blue appeared at the edges.

“Oh!” Cried Ada, pleased “A fogbow! I haven’t seen one in ages! I think Qikiqtaġruk is too far south for any.”

“That’s neat! Back in NJ, I saw a triple rainbow once. But never anything like this! It kinda looks like a trans flag. Happy pride month to us!”

Both giggled, and then a harsh gust of wind swept away both the fog and any desire to stay outside. They hurried in.

Barbara was clacking quite loudly at her keyboard when Dani and Ada walked in – it no longer threatened to fall off her desk, thanks to Dani bolting it to said desk – but it still rattled. The woman pulled off her headphones and said, “There’s leftover assaliaq in the fridge, tepa if you want something sweet.” She put her headphones back on and returned to her clacking.

Dani rushed over to the kitchen. “Tepa? Isn’t that the sweet-and-sour stuff you wanted me to try?”

Ada actually wiggled to fingers. “Yes, oh my God. This is going to be good. I knew putting off fishing was a good idea!”

Tepa was a great way to end a great day. It was less sour than Dani expected, and she would happily admit to stealing some heads off of Ada’s plate. That got her an evil glare, but she just stuck at her tongue.

Ada put down her fork. “Hey, do you want me to show you another Olympics activity?” Her tone was innocent. Too innocent.

Despite herself, Dani aquiesced.

They sat upon the floor, and Ada showed her how to arrange herself.

With their right leg bent with her knee up, foot on the floor, and their left leg outstretched, toes of the sky, Ada folded themself around Dani, so that their left leg stretched under the arch of her right, and right foot by her hip. One mirrored the other. Ada and Dani put their left hands on each other’s right ankles, holding one another down. “Then, we cross our right arms, like this, and we pull away from each other.”

“No fair, you’re bigger than me!” Dani stuck her tongue out again. “You’ll push me to the ground.”

“Well, darling,” Ada purred, and leaned in even closer. “I could be mistaken, Ms. Basketball-Star, but I think you go to the gym more than I.” They pulled back, laughter in their eyes. “And besides, you win by pulling your opponent towards you. Whoever gets to hit the floor first, etc.”

Dani saw where this was going. She darted forward and picked Ada on the lips before they could say more. Then before the shock could wear off, she pulled them both down. “I win.”

Ada licked their lips. “You most certainly did,” they said after a breathless moment.

“Is this actually a sport, or is it just your special move to get all the girls?”

Ada rolled her eyes and kissed Dani back. “Oh no,” she deadpanned, “you found out my deep, dark secret. My armpull skills bring ALL the girls to the yard, and you’re just the latest in a slew of broken hearts.”

Dani had to laugh at that. Ada was NOT that smooth. “Well babe, I have to say, your reasoning and methods are solid. When am I getting replaced?”

Ada pretended to think for a moment before kissing her again. “Hm, I’m thinking this time next never. Sound good to you?”

“Do I have a choice?” Dani tugged on a strand of Ada’s hair.

“Nope. Suffer.”

That earned them another giggly kiss. “Love you, darling.”

“Love you too, babe. Bon swé.”

———

Something was off. Dani woke up in the middle of the night, alone in bed, dawn rising in the distance. She got up to look for Ada (and maybe grab a little tepa - the snacking lifestyle was rubbing off on her) when she heard voices just outside the lee-side living room window, accompanied by the flickering glow of a candle.

“I just don’t think it is a good idea. She’s a lovely girl, I really do like her, but you barely know her! Give it time.” That was Barbara’s voice.

“But Aaka, I think she get it, you know? She’s even Indigenous herself, I don’t think she’d reveal anything personal. She knows what it’s like to feel different in your own home. Even if we,” Ada’s voice went quiet, “broke up. Or something. She knows what it’s like to be ostracized for things you can’t control. She would not tell!”

“Maybe. Maybe not. But it’s not like she’s planning on staying. You have to protect your heart, Ada.”

The hurt silence was only interrupted by the low moan of wind on the other side of the house.

They must’ve switched to Iñupiaq after that, because Dani couldn’t catch anything more. She could’ve sworn she heard nanuq a couple times – she knew that to mean polar bear - but that was about it. Her heart became more and more numb, crouching under the window sill.

Only when she heard a growl did Dani wake up from her miserable trance. She peeked and yes. Ada was a polar bear again.

She heard the sound of footsteps towards the door. Dani flew to their bedroom, and threw herself under the covers.

Of course. Of course, she could not be told. She was just another outsider, a stranger. How could she be anything more?

———

When Dani woke up, Ada still wasn’t back.

“Oh, she just went fishing with her cousins!” said Barbara cheerily. “You know how early dawn is around here! Maybe we can all have some barbecue when they get back. Then I’ll take you up to the airport.”

Dani nodded, too morose to say much.

Ada did, in fact, bring back some fish, and they fried it up in some seal oil.

Dani tried to muster up her usual enthusiasm, and the food was delicious, but she just felt heavy.

“Are you okay, darling?” Ada asked, after Dani sighed for the third time.

Caught, she spluttered, “Oh! No. Just thinking about something, you know how it is after the adrenaline crashes!” A half truth was better than a lie, right?

“If you’re sure.”

———

Things were a little colder between them after that.

Sure, they still ate together, worked out together, and enjoyed each other‘s company. But how could she open up to Ada if Ada was not open to her? And why should Ada open up to her if she wasn’t staying? Did she want to stay?

Dani kept promising herself she would talk to someone about it. She was putting up walls and shutting Ada out – and she hated to see that hurt look flash cross their face. Dani hated hurting them. Dani loved them. But would she stay for them?

Her maman needed her. And it wasn’t fair to expect Jordan to step up all the time. Was she a bad daughter if she likes keeping away from her maman? Was that the reason enough to stay?

Was she just using Ada as an escape?

All that roiled in Dani’s gut as they flew across North America.

They caught a flight to Anchorage, to Portland, to Minneapolis, to DC, irritatingly down to Atlanta, and then finally to Newark, where Jordan picked them up. The cheapest flight plan wasn’t always the best flight plan.

Ada, who hadn’t been out of the state since college (partly due to Covid) basically had her face pressed to the window the entire time, especially when they crossed over the desert.

Dani had to laugh. Maybe next time they could stop in Las Vegas. If there was a next time. Dani did not have to laugh anymore.

To her surprise, Jordan looked older. More mature. They texted and called occasionally when she was in Alaska, but Dani had not realized how much he had become an adult. And it didn’t look like a weight on him.

She hugged him, long and hard. “I missed you! She cried. “I swear, you weren’t this tall when I left you.”

Being a whole 2 inches taller than his older sister and proud of it, Jordan gave her a noogie.

“Hey, not the hair!”

Jordan turned to Ada. “Hey,” he said, holding out a hand.

Ada reached to shake it, but Jordan withdrew his at the last second, sweeping it over his cornrows and lifting his left hand to cup his chin and smirk.

Okay, maybe he had not matured that much.

“You won’t help with the bags?” Jordan said, already grabbing two bags and hauling them towards his backseat.

It was a tight fit in the two hours it took to get back to Cottington.

Being laconic over the phone, but verbose in person, Jordan filled her in on all the family drama that their maman had forgotten to share.

“What do you MEAN, Sienna got into Princeton?! Is that why she’s ghosting me? Too good for the likes of a Rowan girl?”

Jordan sucked his teeth. “Man. I don’t know. She hasn’t been returning my calls or texts either.”

They all laughed at that.

“This is it!” Dani exclaimed as Jordan pulled in front of the house. “Let’s hit the hay, I am beat.” She grabbed both suitcases beside her, excitement beating exhaustion.

The door was unlocked, so she burst into the house. As per usual, her maman was in her armchair. But to Dani’s surprise, she actually got up. “Dah-nee-el-la!” The woman opened her arms wide. “Oh mon fille, you’re home!”

“Maman!” Dani could believe help could not help but get a little teary.

They hugged.

Maman let go first. “Now where is she? That Ada girl? Oh!” She dropped Dani like she was yesterday‘s news. “Oh, you must be Ada. You look so strong, so pretty. Though the silver bits in your mouth –” she plucked at one of them, causing Ada to yelp. Mama and sucked her teeth. “Well, nobody’s perfect. Still!” She turned back to Dani. “You’ll make even more money.”

Ada looked at Dani wide-eyed over Maman’s head – all were short, but her maman was by far the shortest – and Dani shook her head and rolled her eyes. Ada winked in understanding and went back to surviving the woman’s chatter. Her stomach rumbled audibly.

“Oh yes, and you must be starving! Tell me, do you like hot food? Dani only likes it mild, she must’ve gotten that from her father –” Maman lead them all to the kitchen, whereupon a small feast laid.

“I just thought the island food was like. Fresh fruit and pork. Maybe some fish.” Ada whispered to Dani, eyes wide, and nose at work.

Dani giggled. “Not Dominican food, babe.” She grabbed an accra. “Try this first. I told my maman you were a foodie.”

Maman had brought out the good stuff. She was a great cook, but rarely did she pull out all the stops. She must have caught a train to Philadelphia to get the ingredients this fresh, this flavorful - this Dominican.

There were grilled breadfruit strips, fried in coconut oil, accra to the side – ready to be eaten with the fish and sweet and spicy goat stew, and of course, the crêpes.

“Crêpes are more of a breakfast food, said Jordan in between stuffing his face. “But they’re Dani and Maman’s favorite, so she made them for dinner. She really pulled out all the stops with this one!”

“Yeah, we don’t usually have this much meat.” Dani said, daintily wiping her mouth with a napkin.

“But when my Dani comes home after being gone for so long –”

Dani could feel THAT little needle.

“- and she brings home such a pretty girl, I wanted to spoil her.” Maman grabbed both Dani and Jordan’s cheeks. “Not that they aren’t spoiled enough.”

“Maman!” The sibling said in unison.

Ada, who could not get enough of, well, anything, nodded politely, mouth quite full. Her eyes were watering, but Dani could see the excitement there too. Finally, she swallowed. “I must say, Ms. Romain, youre cooking is inspiring. Would you mind sharing the recipes with me?”

“Please, call me Patience.” Maman grabbed Dani‘s arm. “You better keep this one. Mon Dieu, she could make up for your lack of charm!”

Dani flushed angrily, but did not say anything, as did Ada. Her maman was a master at blending a compliment with an insult.

———

How could she keep Ada?

———

They went to Great Adventure. They went to New York City and saw The Wiz. They went out with her friends and cousins. They visited a friend’s petting zoo farm. All these things.

Dani enjoyed herself. She could tell Ada was having a blast.

But every night, Dani’s dreams, when she got to see them at all, were plagued with questions. How could she be with someone if they couldn’t be honest with each other? If they couldn’t be themselves with with each other? How could she love them this much and not be sure if she could stay? If she could leave her maman, forever?

Maman had been high energy that first night, but her chronic pain made itself quite known during the following week. Every day, after all their activities (With the exception of their day in NYC. Her papa was home that evening and he brought pizza). Dani would get home and be expected to make dinner. She could make a mean crab farci, but she did not take joy in cooking like her mama or Ada.

Her maman’s pain and love were real, but as Dani grappled with her own dishonesty and commitment questions towards Ada, the old anxieties and irritations of home reared their ugly heads.

Her maman would bark orders at her, and fawn on Jordan the next. She had been away from home for over six months, and yet she had to cook for the household again? God, she loved her maman, but hate and love were not opposites. They were two sides of the same coin.

As Dani trudged upstairs to bed, hands wrinkled from washing dishes, her maman called to her. “Dah-nee-el-la!”

Dani groaned internally and turned around. Her parents’ bedroom was on the first floor. “Yes, Maman?”

“This house is a mess. You will help Jordan and I clean in the morning.”

That meant Dani would have to get up at six to clean while Maman supervised and occasionally wiped off counters. Jordan might wake up in time to maybe sweep and take out the trash before he had to go to work.

Dani turned to go. “Oui, maman. Bon swé.”

“Bon swé. Je t’aime bien.”

“Mon aussi, je t’aime.” She meant what she said, but wished she did not.

———

Nearly everything went as she expected, much to Dani’s displeasure. 6 AM wake up, clean up for a couple hours, and then Jordan took the trash out before he went to work, apologetically smiling. Ada woke up halfway through and joined in, making Dani love her all the more, though Maman looked on disapprovingly.

Their last fun day was to be spent at the beach. Ada didn’t know how to swim, and Dani’s hair had just been redone, so they didn’t spend much time under the water. Still, they splashed and got a bit burned - despite using sunscreen, both forgot to lotion their ears - and ate overpriced ice cream and fried Oreos.

“I can feel my arteries wheezing their death rattles,” Ada said while stuffing another Oreo in her mouth “I need a salad, stat!”

Dani snorted. “There’s no saving you now. Your palate will forevermore be unclean.”

Ada died.

Dani slid her remaining Oreos over.

Miraculously, Ada came back to life to take them back just as thunder cracked in the sky.

“Snap, that looks like it’s moving in fast!” Dani said. It wasn’t raining on them just yet, but she heard the pattering of precipitation and saw a sheet of darkness fall and saw a sheet of darkness fall a mile down the boardwalk.

The same direction as her car, of course.

She grabbed Ada’s hand. “Come on!”

Everybody started fleeing, much to the couple’s dismay, the crowd moving against them. Apparently everyone else had parked in the opposite direction.

When the two finally found the car, it was cold and the wind was whipping. A sheet of rain rapidly approached the vehicle.

“Beat you there!” Ada challenged, and ran to the car.

Dani cursed and ran too.

Ada had already reached the car and was pulling on the doorhandle. They turned to Dani. “Come on,” they whined. “Let me in.”

Huffing and puffing to the driver’s side, Dani hit the unlock button. But only once, so only the driver’s side was unlocked. She slid in.

“Jezebel!”

The rain was only two cars away.

Smiling, Dani unlocked the door.

Ada slid in, frowning. “Evil woman,” she groused as the rain hit the car.

“I don’t start things,” Dani flipped her twists over her shoulder. “I just finish them.”

Ada sniffed delicately. “You better not leave me out in the cold again.”

Dani laughed hollowly at the words that reminded her of the questions that plagued her each night. “I’m sorry, babe. Let’s go to the house.”

Ada reached for a kiss, and Dani barely returned it. It was too much. She hated seeing the hurt on Ada’s face – so she did not look.

———

Their full morning in New Jersey was spent hanging out with her maman and any family who stopped by. With a farewell that part of Dani wished had come sooner, the couple left her family’s house.

Their flight was at 9 AM the next day, and her old friend Annika live close to the Newark airport. As such, she had voluntold her husband Antonio to drive them to the airport the following morning.

So, the two took an Uber to Annika‘s house.

“I’d take you myself,” Annika said over the phone, laughing, “but I’m just too big to fit behind the wheel anymore!”

It was true. When they arrived at Annika and Antonio‘s house, the woman had to waddle out. She was tall, but her husband was tall – tall. Dani did not want to know how big that baby would be at nine months.

“I’m not sure that baby blanket I packed is going to be big enough,” she whispered to Ada from the backseat.

Ada snorted.

“Dani!!!” Squealed Annika as she made her her way down from the porch, carefully.

“Nika!” Dani squealed back, getting out of the car and forgetting her bags. She rushed over and slowed down, just before impact, going in for a side hug and a cheek kiss instead. “How are you?”

“Ah well, the baby is coming along. It was beating me up earlier, the little stinker.” The woman caressed her stomach with a slight wince. “I’m surprised I’m not lack and blue yet!”

Dani chuckled. “That’s great and all, but I asked about you, not the kid.”

“Oh!” Annika smiled. “I feel like a bumper car, I can hardly walk, and I only ever feel like sleeping or crying. But I’m also bored and tired of waiting. Does that make sense?”

“Sorry to interrupt, Dani, but I don’t have the app and the driver wants us to pay.” Ada butted in, embarrassed.

“Oh sorry babe, I’ll go get that.” Dani squeezed Annika once again and rushed over to the driver, phone in hand.

“So you are the famous Ada!” Dani heard her over her shoulder.

———

The rest of the afternoon, all three chitchatted and played monopoly, too tired or too pregnant to do much else. Antonio got home and made them burgers – Annika‘s favorite, aside from sushi, which she wasn’t allowed to have due to the fetus.

“I miss it, I really do!” said Annika, eyes watering.

Antonio’s eyebrows rose with alarm.

“After the kid is out, I’d love to come up and try some of your qassaq, Ada. It sounds divine!”

Antonio cast his eyes pleadingly over at Ada.

But Ada never needed any encouragement to share their cooking. “I’d love to make some for you! You should absolutely come up, we’d be glad to have you.” They glance to her stomach. “Once the baby is ready, of course.”

“Of course!” Annika said.

Dani could see the relief flooding Antonio‘s face. “And on that note, does anyone want dessert?”

Ada declined, looking at her phone and saying that she wanted to hit the hay early. She went upstairs with a “Thank you, you two! It was nice meeting you!” Dani was pretty sure her girlfriend was actually not going to sleep just yet, considering this sheepish look on her face. She probably just saw an update notification for a fanfic she liked.

Antonio graciously got both Annika and Dani ice cream, waving off her thanks with a “It’s habit now.” Then he went to bed, probably to actually go to sleep.

Annika was a night owl – Dani remembered how they both stayed up 37 hours one weekend when the two were eleven, just because they could. Being a medical professional now, Dani winced at the thought. Both had improved their sleeping habits, but to say Annika was cured would be laughable.

“Do you want to watch a movie?”

“Does it have many flashing lights? My head is still spinning a bit from the amusement park.”

There had been a light malfunction on a dark ride and Dani was pretty sure she almost had a seizure. Which would have gotten her stuck in NJ, meaning a bunch of breach of contract, meaning her decision about Ada would have been temporarily made for her. SHE wanted to make the decision. Even if her decision at that moment was to put off said decision.

“It’s animated, but I looked it up earlier and some parenting site said it’s decently epilepsy safe. There’s a few fireworks, and some characters made of fire, but no strobing, or big flashy changes!”

Dani narrowed her eyes. “Are you trying to get me to watch that elements movie again?”

Annika pouted. “It’s like, the best movie of 2023 and you didn’t even watch it!”

“You know I don’t watch a lot of kids movies.”

Annika thought for a moment. “I’m pregnant, and you need to see this movie.”

“Your logic is astounding,” Dani said dryly. “Okay. Put it on.”

———

Dani had gone into the movie expecting to endure it. Instead, she began to draw … similarities to herself.

By the end, they were both weeping. “It’s like me with the farm a couple years ago!” exclaimed Annika. Then she blew her nose, and offered the tissue box to Dani.

“I think it’s like. My maman and I. But nicer.” Dani took a tissue.

“Mhm.” Annika snatched the box back to herself. “And you know,” her voice suddenly turned sly. “I think somebody in your life is a little like Wade.”

“Oh, shut up.” Dani balled up her tissue and threw it at Annika’s head, who squawked an indignation. “What do you know, anyway?”

Annika smiled and tapped close to her eye, creepily reminding Dani of the Beldame from Coraline. “Mother’s intuition.”

“It hasn’t even been born yet!”

Annika shrugged. “You can’t help with sneak glances at her, even this far into the relationship. You desperately wanted your mom to like her, which I don’t think she even met any of your previous partners.”

“That’s more because of her than –”

“And it looks like you’re keeping secrets, and it’s killing you.” Annika caught Dani’s eye with a long steady look. “This isn’t just a fling for you.”

Dani looked away first, unable to hold her gaze. “I’m not even sure if I should stay in Qikiqtaġruk,” she said to the floor. “Why should I make any drama if I can’t even stay.” She started to weep.

Annika opened her arms, and Dani nestled into her side. Annika gave pretty good backrubs – her calluses from work, always scratching Dani‘s back just right. “Let’s not talk about should, or would, or can.” Annika said. “Let’s just talk about want.”

“I know what I don’t want.”

“Okay?”

“I don’t want to let anyone down. But I don’t want to take care of my maman – I’m 27 for God’s sake! She loved on me the first day, and then it was like I never left!” She thought for a moment. “Plus I want to keep my girlfriend. She is pretty cool.” They both chuckled. “And I don’t want to leave all that pressure on Jordan. And it feels wrong to kind of leave Ada hanging.” Dani sighed. “I just don’t know what to do, and it’s biting me in the butt. Ada and I had a great time this trip, but I kind of held them at arm’s length. And Ada definitely saw that.”

Annika chewed on this. “Your mom doesn’t put things on Jordan the way she does on you, does she?”

Dani shook her head.

“Maybe you should ask him what it’s been like for him, instead of assuming. Either he gets out of it, or he found a way to keep her happy that works for him. Maybe … the workload changes when you’re not here.” Annika sneezed.

“Bless you.”

“Thanks. Anyway, when you start feeling like a family member is a burden –”

“It means you’re a crap person, and –”

“No! It means you need time away from them! To reevaluate and appreciate each other and stuff. I got to know my parents and like them a lot better when I moved out for college and stayed out! And you, you never had that. Until now. And with a person who looks at you like you hung the moon.” Her voice softened. “You had a terrible taste before this. All your exes were way less fulfilling, and more toxic than nuclear waste. I don’t know what compelled you to get with this person, but they’re keeper.” The woman grinned. “Especially since you still have a gooey look when I say their name. AdaAaAa!”

Dani’s face did not change. She made sure of it.

“AdaAaAa,” Annika repeated, this time poking Dani in the side.

“Hey! Cheating.”

Annika rolled her eyes like SHE was not the childish one. “Anyway, the only person you need to be worried about disappointing, is yourself. I know you love New Jersey, and me, obviously and me, obviously,” the pregnant woman put her hand on her own chest. “But I don’t think it’s enough to make you content, let alone happy.”

“I miss you,” Dani offered.

“I miss you too,” Annika squeezed her. “But it’s not like we can’t see each other. And besides,” she laughed. “With the time difference, I’m sure the baby will keep me awake long enough to call you, if this kid is anything like me.”

They both laughed at that.

“Oh! Hold on.” Dani got up and found the gift bag she’d been hiding up in her room. She waved at Ada, who was indeed reading on their phone, and went downstairs. “For you,” she said, holding out the gift bag.

She saw the water in Annika‘s eyes and she handed over the tissue box as well.

“What’s this?” Annika sniffled.

“It’s for the baby. From when Ada and I were in Utqiagvik. I saw this adorable booth selling things like this and I knew you’d love it.”

“I do,” wailed Annika, who hadn’t even opened it and was reaching for more tissues.

“Nika. Look in the bag.”

After a bit more sniffling, Annika finally opened the bag. “Oh my God, it’s too cute!” Annika practically shoved some tissues up her nose to avoid getting snot on the beautiful blanket. “My mom has this cradle her dad carved for her when she was a baby, and she put my brother and I in there when we were babies for pictures and, and, and,” she blew her nose again. “I am totally putting my baby in there with this blanket. Oh my God, thank you, Dani!”

Dani just hugged her.

———

Dani helped Annika settle on the couch. The doctors had said minimal stairs, and the couch was nice, so the woman slept there most nights.

After helping her friend, Dani went to bed. She had a lot to think about.

———

At 4 AM, Dani smacked the alarm.

Ada snorted, but snuggled back into her pillow and went back to sleep.

Dani sighed with relief. She slowly got up and dressed, packing both their things into the car (Annika said she could borrow it), only leaving each of their handbags with change of clothes in their room. Then she grabbed Wawa for breakfast, a last little New Jersey treat before returning to Alaska.

At 5 AM, she shook Ada awake. “Babe, wake up.” She planted a kiss on her themfriend’s cheek. “I want to show you something.”

Ada stretched and nodded, sleep still clouding her vision, and trudged off to the bathroom. At 5:20, Ada finally got her butt downstairs, where Dani was champing at the bit.

“Babe, come on, we’re going to miss it!”

Ada yawned as she closed the door, then fixed her eyes upon the Wawa bag. “What do you have there?” She woke up a bit.

“A reward for after we get to the beach. Come on!”

“Why are we going to the beach? I don’t think it’s safe at right now, it bei dark and all. And you didn’t tell me to get in my swimsuit!”

“You’ll see. Just come on already! Before it gets hot and you melt again.”

“In my defense, it’s stupid humid in New Jersey. I don’t know why anyone wants to live here.”

Both giggled as their flip-flops hit the sand path through the dunes. The birds were singing their sunrise songs, and already catching bits of seeds and bugs.

The couple reached the surf. Dani sat down carefully, cursing herself for not bringing a towel, and beckoned for Ada to sit too. “So I actually brought you here for two reasons.”

Ada suddenly looked guarded. “Oh?”

Dani swallowed around the lump in her throat. “Yes. First, I wanted to show you the dawn on the ocean. It’s pretty cool, and… I know you like sunset picnics back home.”

Ada smiled. “I do.”

“And… I think I’ve been dishonest. And kind of … noncommittal. And I hate that, and I want to respect your time and –” Dani realized she was rambling. “–And I know you can turn into a polar bear.”

Ada‘s eyebrows almost reached her hairline, and her mouth opened in shock. Whatever she had expected to hear, it was not that. “What?”

Dani felt all the blood rush from her face. “When you walked to our second date – I saw you. Walk up with the sled. And again – when you broke down my door? Polar bear. And – and, when you talked to your mom that night after Nalukataq!”

Ada’s face was stone.

Dani panicked. “And I think it’s totally cool and I didn’t tell anybody and I wasn’t sure if you knew that I know or if you’d be mad especially since –”

“So you’re afraid of me?”

“What?” The word vomit stopped.

“Have you been afraid of me, this whole time? Is that why you always say yes?” Ada stood up, hands shaking. Her voice remained quiet. “Is that why we’re dating? Too afraid to tell this giant, man-eating beast no, unless you’re in your home territory?” Their voice broke. “Do you … not love me?”

Now what it was Dani’s turn to be shocked. “What? No!” She grabbed Ada‘s hand.

It was the wrong move.

Ada’s eyes went impossibly wide with fear, and quicker than Dani could track, they were a polar bear, and Dani was holding air. They turned to run into the ocean, but Dani swallowed her fright at the change and jumped in front of Ada.

“Ada,” Dani worked hard to keep her hands by her side. She desperately wanted to hold her love’s face. Even with the teeth, the fur, the sudden immensity, she saw Ada and those eyes.

“Ada,” she repeated. “I love you. All of you. I just don’t want there to be secrets between us.” Dani closed her eyes and breathed in Ada, and after a moment, Ada breathed her in too. A kunik.

To the east, dawn bloomed.

Ada transformed back. “I can’t speak when I’m using my Nanuq Atiq, they explained hesitantly. “I – are you … sure?”

The tension in Dani’s gut roiled into laughter. “Babe, I’m moving to Alaska permanently. What do you think?”

Tears welled in Ada’s eyes. “You what? You’re staying?”

“You bet, babe. I’ll figure it out with Maman.” Dani was tearing up too. “So you better not be planning on getting rid of me.”

“Okay,” Ada choked out, laughing between tears. “Okay.”

They sat silently, watching the sunrise.

———

“Jordan? Hey,” Dani said at the O’Hare airport lounge. Her arms were crossed over her chest, AirPods in

“What’s up, Dani? You made it to the airport okay?” He sounded sleepy but concerned.

“Yup! All good on that front. I’m in Chicago. But I wanted to talk to you about Maman.”

“Maman?”

“Yeah,” Dani heaved a breath. “You know … she treats me differently than you, right?”

A long silence, then, “If this is about me not helping you clean, I’m sorry, Dani. This was like the one week the cleaninglady couldn’t come in, and they were all these emergencies, and –”

“She let you hire a cleaning lady?” Dani’s hurt and anger rose up. “She never let me do that. Said it was a waste of money, didn’t want any strangers in her her house.”

Jordan was silent for a moment. “Did she not tell you?” He said quietly, angrily. “The compensation from the doctor who misdiagnosed her finally came in.” He cleared his throat. “She pays for a cleaning lady, a nurse and a meal service now.”

Dani was burning up. “I’m not coming back. I’m staying in Alaska.”

“What?! Listen, I thought she told you. I thought you liked taking care of her!”

“I literally moved thousands of miles to get away from her!” She yelled.

The whole lounge looked over.

Ada stood up behind her and squeezed her shoulder. Dani put her hand on top of Ada’s, just holding on.

“I – I didn’t think. Jordan said lamely.

“When did she get the compensation?”

“What?

“When did she get the compensation?”

Jordan went silent. “A few weeks before you decided to move. I thought that was why you went. Because it was okay now.”

“It was never okay, Jordan. Dani hissed. “I barely survived, keeping things as she liked and perfect for when you and Dad get home.” She swallowed her fury. “I get to live my life now, Jordan. I love you, Papa and Maman. But I’m disappointed in you all.”

Dani could hear him crying through the phone. Some big sister part of her wanted to make it stop, hated herself for making her baby brother cry.

But the truth needed to be said.

“I love you, Jordan,” she repeated. “And I always will. Call me if you need me or have a question about Maman‘s care. I’m not gone forever.”

A sniffle. “I don’t think maman is going to get better.”

Dani pressed her hand to her mouth to cover up her sob. Her breath hitched anyway. “I don’t think so, either. I’ll come help when she – when it happens. But for now, I need some space.”

Another sniffle. “OK, Dani. A beat, then, “I’m sorry I never stepped in for you. I know she and Papa were always,” sniff, “harder on you than me.”

“Thanks, J, she said simply. “Love you.”

“Love you too. Text me when you’re back safe?”

“Yeah. Bye.”

Ada came around and hugged her tight. “Do you need to go and clean up?” She asked, nodding her head to the bathroom.

Dani nodded, trying really hard to hold her tears back.

Ada grabbed their stuff, sacrificing their seats to a young couple with two children who had been loudly complaining about the lack of seats and that parents had it hard.

Ada helped her clean up and kissed her when it was done. “You okay?”

Dani shook her head and held her forehead against Ada’s, just breathing her in. “About this? I probably won’t ever be, not completely. But thank you.” She leaned back and shook a finger. “Don’t you start psychoanalyzing me, doctor. Conflict of interest.”

Ada chuckled, their warmth soaking into Dani’s heart like a bomb. “I’m still working on that doctor part, darling.”

“Oh, so it’s all right then.”

Together, they rejoined the lounge, and resigned themselves to standing. They’d be sitting for the rest of the day on the plane, anyway.

———

To Dani and Ada‘s delight, the flight attendant informed them that they had been bumped up to first class for their flight straight to Anchorage.

The loud family who stole their lounge seats looked at them with poison in their hearts.

Dani and Ada did not care.

———

Dani and Ada had both been busy at work, Dani catching up on her hours and Ada catching up on her patients. It was August when they finally had a time where both were free, neither were tired and it was a clear sky.

“The long sunsets are going away.” Dani observed as they walked towards the where the Pacific Ocean became the inlet.

“Yes, but tonight’s perfect for the for seeing a really good aurora. You ready?”

“You bet, babe.”

The two eventually settled in a clear spot, the wind gently whipping away the genuine heat of that day.

Dani pulled out some curry colombo and crab farci, the spices for which she brought home in her luggage from New Jersey. She was finally getting into cooking for herself.

Ada pulled out some slightly thawed kumlaneq and niinamayak. The niinamayak tasted just right when thrown in with the curry – and Ada had been working on her spice tolerance.

They ate peace for a while.

Then Ada turned away. “I can’t tell you everything.” She finally said, face hidden.

“Huh?”

“I can’t tell you all my secrets,” Ada said. “Some of them are things I share. My family’s berry patches, I won’t share with anyone except with any kids I have. The secrets my patients tell me. Even what my dad likes to put in uquq to make it so sweet. But everything I can’t tell you, I’ll tell you that I have to hold back if you ask. And everything else, is yours.” She turned away to grab a crêpe.

Dani gently put her hand on Ada‘s shoulder and kissed her. “Thank you. That’s enough for me, babe. I’ll do the same for you.” Then she handed Ada some jam. “Finally the famous nagoonberry jam! You made me wait months for this!”

Ada took it and thanked her. “You ready?”

“You bet!”

The hype was not unfounded. It was naturally sweet – Dani could tell hardly any sugar was added – and a little savory. Ada’s aata Greg probably couldn’t resist cutting in a little uquq. There was hardly any citrus taste, just enough to heighten the sweetness - it was clearly added by someone who knew their jam. It also tasted slightly of the sea – there was a good chance Greg had sourced the salt from the ocean to get just the right taste.

“This is delicious! I can’t believe you would hold this out on me!”

Ada grinned. “I owed Barry a lot for a favor he did me a couple years ago. I just finished paying it off, then he introduced me to you.” They winked. “Looks like I owe him again. Better memorize the taste – he’s got one hell of a sweet tooth. You probably won’t be getting any for a while.”

“No, this is mine now. He can get his own,” Dani said with a devilish smile. She glanced up and - “Oh my God! It’s here!”

The couple laid back on the blanket and watch the aurora dance its way across the sky.

It made Dani’s heart feel light, and strange.

She squeezed at Ada’s hand. “I think the only thing more beautiful than this is you.”

Ada spluttered, then smiled and gave her a kunik. “You're cheesy.”

Dani gave her one back. “And yet it works on you.”

Ada squeezed her hand and turned back to the lights above them. “To us.”

“To us,” Dani echoed.

And the aurora danced on.

———

This post is VERY long, so I split up the glossary and the explanation. Enjoy!

Glossary

Explanation

The following are footnotes from within the story

⁂ A dual form is the term that specifically refers to two objects. Like how with English, adding an -s to the end of a noun makes it plural, but Iñupiaq has a way to make it clear that there’s just two nouns, and not one or many.

So one person is Iñupiaq, two people are Iñupiak, and any more than that is Iñupiat. Same q/k/t rules apply to most nouns. The language is referred to as Iñupiaq. The Iñupiat people are neighbors and cousins of the Inuit, but are a different culture entirely. Same thing with the Yup’ik.

† There’s a cool book called, ‘The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian’ by Sherman Alexie. It’s about a Spokane Indian* boy named Arnold who learns to code-switch (change himself to fit within one’s original culture and that of the majority) to survive going to a better school off his reservation. It’s meant for young teens and up, and it’s totally worth the read. I’m pretty sure it was my introduction to modern Indigenous characters - historically, they usually only portrayed in conjunction with early colonization efforts, AKA the cowboy genre and the like, from the point of view of the colonizers.

*Indigenous is a rallying, unifying term for (generally) all peoples originally found in lands that were so heavily colonized that they are now the minority. So the Koori of Australia are Indigenous, but the Akan people of Ghana are not, despite both being colonized. Indigenous in this usage is fairly new. Usually if someone uses that term as a self descriptor, they’re young. It unifies peoples from all over the world.

Native American is a legal term to describe all peoples with ‘enough’ blood connection to the Indigenous people of the contiguous United States of America, where the blood quantum is determined by the state and not by actual connection to those cultures. This is a huge problem that legally separates actual Indigenous people from their cultures and rights just because someone(s) in their family married outside the culture. Most Indigenous people do not like to be called this, but would prefer it over slurs or inaccurate guesses.

Indian (or American Indian or Amerindian) is the historical term that many older Indigenous people use as another pan-Indigenous rallying term. While many do not like it or the inaccuracy and bloody history behind calling Indigenous Americans (both continents) ‘Indians’, a lot of people were upset when the (USA**) government changed the legal term to Native American. It’s because they did not get a choice in the matter. So many people still use it because they decided it’s their word to reclaim (which it totally is). However, mostly Indigenous people within the USA have reclaimed the word - in other areas it is a non-issue or is considered rude or out-dated. And it’s more popular with older people.

**Other modern countries in the Americas do/used to call their Indigenous peoples Indians. Some have kept that name (such as Chile, though they say ‘Indios’, which is Indians in Spanish), some have not. For example, the Indigenous peoples of modern-day Canada are now called ‘First Nations’ by the Canadian government, but were once called Indians.

So to review: Indigenous is the younger identity word that covers all populations that were colonized and are now a minority in their historical lands. Native American is the legal term as used by the United States for Indigenous peoples originally from nations in the contiguous USA. And Indian is the preferred term by older Indigenous people in those areas. The label ‘Eskimo’ is also preferred in a similar fashion for the Inuit people, and more broadly, the Indigenous peoples of Alaska and north/western Canada. See footnote 5 later in the story for the idea in context.

However, the most polite thing to do is to not mention anybody’s ethnicity unless they bring it up themselves. If you must talk about it, then use the most specific terms possible to be polite. That’s why I mention that Arnold in that book is Spokane, and did not use the very loose term ‘Native American’.

❧ So there’s the Indigenous Kalinago people of the island of Dominica. They were once called Caribs - and thus the Caribbean Sea was named - but that was from a misunderstanding on Christopher Colombus’s part. Carib likely just meant ‘brave warrior’. So in 2015, the people legally changed their name to Kalinago, their original name. Kalinago is the plural form, and Karifuna is the singular form. So Dani is Karifuna, and Dani, her maman and her brother Jordan are Kalinago.

∵ A kunik is like a greeting kiss in terms of intimacy. But it’s not just for romantic partners. One (or two! It can be mutual!) people will hold their nose close to the other’s skin, and breathe them in. It’s like loving someone so much, one just has to breathe their atiq, their spirit, in. A lot of ***Alaskan Native Peoples practice this, as their mouths were often covered outside during the long winter months (to keep water and warmth in). An ‘Eskimo kiss’ is a bastardized version of a kunik - it does not usually involve rubbing noses together.

***Alaskan Native is a legal term for the Indigenous peoples of Alaska. They get slightly different rights and restrictions by identifying as such and not ‘Native American’. The Indigenous Hawaiian (Native Hawaiian) people have a similar deal with the USA government. Both Indigenous Alaskans and Hawaiians prefer this legal distinction - while both got the shorter end of the stick, they still have a better deal with the government than the Indigenous peoples lumped under the category ‘Native American’. However, ‘Alaskan Natives’ prefer to be referred to their individual ethnicities (Yup’ik, Athabaskan, etc.) or Eskimo when relevant, and ‘Native Hawaiians’ prefer ‘Kānaka Maoli’, ‘Indigenous Hawaiians’ or just ‘Hawaiians’.

¤ This is an example of where older terms, such as Indian and Eskimo, are still used, because both Indigenous groups lumped under those old labels got to choose the name themselves. Despite ‘Native American’ and ‘Alaskan Native’ (respectively) being the legally correct terms according to the modern USA government, both groups like exercising their autonomy by sticking with the names they chose, despite the terms being legally out-dated. The WEIO’s name is a case where tradition and pride combine well.

[saintmeghanmarkle]

American Riviera Orchard - the dream vs the reality. A pictorial essay. by u/Mickleborough

American Riviera Orchard - the dream vs the reality. A pictorial essay. There have been a couple of posts about the unfortunate name chosen by Meghan for her (cough) lifestyle line.Great minds think alike; at the same time, I was curious to find out if the name evoked what I thought it was intended to.The (cough) logoFauxligraphy - my guess is that it’s been improved with computer fonts. For example, the lower case C’s, A’s, and R’s are very regular. The lower case D is pure Meghan fauxligraphy - there’s no way you can write that without lifting your pen. Note that the capital A and R are disproportionately narrow compared to the generous O. No money for a pro? Distinct amateur vibes.The dreamWe know what that is, thanks to Meghan’s nightmare sequence.Flowers - so feminine and genteel and ladylike. What is it with Meghan and flowers? (‘I’m a lady! I do lady’s things!’). The kitchen - the heart of the home, complete with weirdly textured mixing bowl and an impractical receptacle for fruit to be used in a kitchen, as opposed to displayed.The Woman in Black. Run for your lives! In the video, the door actually opens slowly - with no human aid…Actually this is more frightening - there’s a lot to be said for soft focus where Meghan’s concerned. We know she’s on a red carpet because her red dress matches it. Not sure what her shoes are meant to go with.The realityLet’s break down each word of that outlandish name. What does each word make you think of?AmericanApple pie’s often invoked as being quintessentially American (along with mom).RivieraThe Riviera‘s the American term for the South of France. Villefranche-sur-Mer, in Provence, east of Nice.Oh wait - you’re supposed to put the words together.American RivieraSanta Barbara - considered the southernmost part of Northern California - bills itself the American Riviera because of its balmy weather and scenic coastline. It’s interesting that Meghan’s gone for a name which invokes an original, namely the French Riviera.OrchardShade Farm Management, an 800-acre avocado and citrus orchard in Santa Barbara.ConclusionIn my opinion the 3 words don’t add up to the whole as promulgated by Meghan in her photos. ‘American Riviera’ has a different feel - leisured, moneyed - from the more workaday, hard labour ‘orchard’.This looks like another instance Meghanese. It’s like ‘silk scouring pad’ or ‘crushed gold ear wax’ - the concepts just don’t go together.‘American Riviera’ on its own would’ve conjured up the fine china, linen, elite lifestyle Meghan’s aiming for. Adding ‘orchard’ makes it sound like what the Beverly Hillbillies do. post link: https://ift.tt/NqXzckn author: Mickleborough submitted: March 20, 2024 at 09:42PM via SaintMeghanMarkle on Reddit disclaimer: all views + opinions expressed by the author of this post, as well as any comments and reblogs, are solely the author's own; they do not necessarily reflect the views of the administrator of this Tumblr blog. For entertainment only.

[pokechbi]

Chapter 4 <3

The cold November wind bit at my cheeks as I walked down the street, tote bags in hand. I was walking down the street to the local grocery store. I had really underestimated how cold it would be up here on the northern part of the East Coast. Pulling my jacket closer to me, I look up at the sky and let out a shaky breath. 

After Detective Loki had left the other night, I made myself busy with house chores and ordered Chinese takeout for Mark and I. He came home and pretty much left me alone, which I was used to. I couldn't complain, though. It was easier to be left alone than to be pestered by a man-child that I wasn't even sure I loved anymore. 

It was a hard task, hiding all of my subconscious smiles from him when thinking about Detective Loki. I knew that if he saw me smiling to myself like an idiot for no reason at all, he'd know something was up. As much as I wanted to settle down and start a new chapter in this sleepy little town, I wanted so bad to get away from Mark. I needed to get away from him. I wanted to go to New York City, become a freelance writer and live my dream. Or just start it somewhere, at least. Some place where I couldn't be found.  And with the sea of bustling people in New York, it seemed like the perfect place. I would maybe even travel, or find love somewhere in the breezy countryside of Paris, France. It's a cliché dream, but it's what I wanted, and what I strived for. I smiled to myself thinking of traveling with Detective Loki, but I shot it down instinctively. I didn't even know the man. Before I met Mark, I had aspirations. I had a heart full of love and gave it to the first person who asked. And it got me nowhere good. I didn't want to make the same mistake again.

With my jean-covered legs being on auto-pilot and my mind elsewhere, I reached the main street pretty fast. Watching the bustle of the neighborhood brought me a small joy. I strolled past some city workers putting up Christmas decorations. I wondered if I could get out by Christmas. But as much as the thought of leaving to New York City so soon appealed to me, I wanted to take a break from being so on edge. Mark was working nearly all day, and I usually had the house to myself, to do whatever I wanted until I would start my new job. I made a mental note to myself to keep myself calm, and stay on Mark's good side if I wanted my temporary stay here to be the least bit enjoyable. 

I took a deep breath, and inhaled the crispy winter air that smelled of wet leaves and café food. Entering the market, I grabbed a shopping cart and headed to the first isle I saw. I planned on walking around for a good bit, getting to know the market and what I could bring home all by myself. I need to invest in a car, once I start working. I can't rely on him to take me everywhere. i thought to myself. 

Walking mindlessly throughout the isles, I reached the frozen section where I planned on rummaging. I loved to cook, I thought of it as an art. I cooked all the time when Mark and I first started dating. He loved my cooking, and that was one of the first things we did together once we made our relationship official. We loved to do it together. But now, I couldn't bring myself to put as much love into it as I used to. I missed it. 

I picked up some frozen garlic toast, pondering making Spaghetti and Meatballs for dinner, when I heard a familiar voice behind me. 

"I personally like the New York Bakery brand. Or better yet, homemade." I turned and was face-to-face with Detective Loki. He was wearing a black winter coat, zipped up to his jaw, covering that neck tattoo that I liked to stare at. His hair was slicked back and neat as always, and his smell instantly drifted towards my direction. I remembered not to sniff so hard this time. 

"Oh! It's you" I say with a toothy grin and a chuckle. "Yeah, I make a bomb garlic toast from scratch, but I'm not in a huge cooking mood today, you know how it is." I toss the toast into my cart with a shrug, leaning on my shopping cart to face him. 

"Trust me, I understand." He looks at me with a sarcastic smile, motioning to his shopping basket, filled with instant ramen noodles and a case of energy drinks. I let out a hearty laugh, feeling heat rise up to my cheeks. As funny as it was, I felt bad for him. I could tell he needed a better diet, especially with the hard work and long hours he does.

"How's everything going? With the case, you know." I say, my smile fading. I couldn't even imagine the pain this case was causing everyone. Detective Loki included. It must have been why his diet only consisted of instant noodles and energy drinks. 

"Oh. You know. It's been rough on everyone. The first 48 hours always is. We're holding the first search party tonight, if you want to come on by and help the girls' families out. I'm sure they'd appreciate it." 

"Yeah, I'd love that. I'm sorry,  haven't heard about it on the news or anything. Haven't invested in a TV just yet, haha." I say with a light giggle. "What time is the search party?" I look up at his eyes, feeling a rush of heat through my body. He made eye contact with me, taking a second to respond, his eyes blinking a couple times before he spoke.

"At 6. It's about a quarter to. You can stop by at the station and we'll be handing out vests and gear and all that stuff." I was more than happy to help out. I wanted to try my best and help these families find their daughters. If it were my child, I'd want people to do the same. 

"Sounds good. " I smile and a nod. "I'll walk home and drop this stuff off and I'll be on my way. My place is probably a 15 minute walk from here." I say, tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear. 

"Let me drive you." He says in a firm tone. I hesitated for a second, "No, I couldn't ask you to do that. I don't live that far." I say with a nervous chuckle.

"Don't mention it." He says, waving a hand in dismissal. "It's cold out, and you've got a lot of groceries to handle. It's the least I can do." He says with a gentle smile. "You can count this as a favor returned for that great coffee you made me." He says. I couldn't help but smile at his absolute charm. His vibe was so comforting. I wanted to give him a hug and never let go. 

"I'll go ahead and checkout, and I'll meet you in the front of the store. Sound good?" He says. I didn't even get a chance to refuse it. He was so persistent in helping me. I loved that about him already. I didn't feel a tiny bit guilty wanting to get into his car and talk a bit more, even if it was for a short time before he had to get back to work. 

"Alright then" I say in happy defeat. "I'm almost done here." I mention towards the isle of frozen foods.

"No worries, take your time." He says strolling away into the next isle.

...

Lugging my bags of groceries to the front of the store, I feel a hand on my back and a woman's voice speak out to me.

"Miss, let me help you with that. You've got an awful lot of groceries there for such a small lady." She says with a chuckle. I turn to face her, and I'm face to face with an average height woman, who looks to be in her fifties. She had frizzy graying hair, and some outdated glasses. What's with these people and their 80's glasses?  I think to myself. 

"Oh, it's alright, thank you so much. I've got someone to help me, but thanks so much for the offer, umm..."

"Holly. Holly Jones. And no, I insist. Let me help you carry this to your car, please." She was insistent on helping me, and wouldn't let me say no. Her persistence caught me off guard and put me off a bit, but I was stuck in a position where I couldn't leave, or decline her offer. I clearly wasn't able to carry them alone. 

"That's alright, Mrs. Jones. I can help her carry them." Detective Loki walked up to us, slightly waving a hand in dismissal in Holly's direction. She looked up at him above her glasses, a frown plastered on her wrinkled face.

"Ahhh. Detective...Loki, was it? The man who let my son be attacked by a deranged man." She said in a low tone. I didn't know what she was talking about, but I could feel the tension rising. "Say, Detective, did you arrest that man for assault? I would hope so, considering your reputation around here." She says, looking around. There wasn't many people left in the store, but the cashiers were starting to take notice of the situation forming. 

Embarrassed, I looked at Detective Loki, his eyes blinking rapidly and his brows furrowing. He bends down to grab my bags, and avoids eye contact with the woman. "Let's go, Cass." He says harshly. God, I loved the way my name rolled off of his tongue. I follow after him, looking back at the woman who had a smug smirk on her face, both hands gripping her shopping cart handle.

"He wouldn't be in this position if he kept his daughter on a tighter leash, Detective." She says in his direction. I look at him, the anger rising up to his face, and his eyes blinking. As he seems to do when he's thinking hard about something, or angry in this case. I instinctively put a hand on his bicep, trying to bring him back down to himself. I feel the outline of his muscles in my palm, feeling the sweat starting to rise in my hands. I give his arm a small squeeze, out of my own selfish curiosity. 

"Please, Loki. She's just taunting you. It's just pettiness. Let it go, okay? Let's go. We've got those girls to look for." I say softly, with sorrowful eyes. I placed a gentle hand on the space between his muscular shoulders. He seemed to relax into my touch a bit, so I gave him a gentle rub and let go. I felt extremely bad, feeling as if it were my fault that I had put him in that position. He looks at me, and then speaks. 

"You're right. Let's go." He took a deep breath, letting out a shaky breath. I could tell he was still angry, just trying to hide it as best as he could. Male rage was my specialty, and being with Mark taught me to learn the ins and outs of body language when it came to them about to lose control of themselves. 

We walked to the car in silence. It wasn't so much awkward, but it was a tension-filled moment that put us in a weird silence. As we loaded the trunk with the grocery bags, I looked up to Detective Loki. "Are you alright? I know that was...something." I say, trying to lighten the mood. 

"Yeah, I..I'm alright. Stuff like that just doesn't make this job easy when there's so much pressure. You know?" He says with a gentler tone, distancing his stare. "I'm trying my hardest here. I'm human too." His words made me want to wrap him in a warm blanket, and rip him away from all of his worries.

"Yeah. I get it. It's so hard on you already, I don't understand the lack of empathy some people have." I say, nodding my head in understanding. He looks at me and smiles, nodding his head also. 

"You get it. That's refreshing to know." 

We both get inside of the car, rubbing our hands together and scrambling to turn the car's heat on. 

"Thank you, Loki. You didn't have to do this, you know." 

"David. You can call me David." He says, pressing the Heat button on the dashboard. "And it's no worries. I'll be damned if I let you walk home alone in the cold and dark with that many bags. How would you defend yourself with your hands full?" He says quietly, looking directly at me. He looked my face up and down, his eyes landing on my lips. When he lowered his tone, I felt a tingle between my legs. His voice was so gentle, so charming. I wanted him to whisper sweet nothings in my ear. 

Still looking at me, he chuckles and puts the car into drive. 

"Don't know, David. Guess I'll need a knight in shining armor to defend me, huh." I say sarcastically. 

"I wonder who that is" He says invitingly. 

We both let out shy laughter and with that, we were off to my place.

[nordleuchten]

Hello! Do you by any chance know where Lafayette and his family lived after they were released from Olmütz, and waiting to go back to France?

Dear @mxtallmadge,

yes, I do know by chance where the La Fayette’s stayed in exile before returning to France. Thank you for the question, this is actually one of my favourite episodes in La Fayette’s life.

They first went to a place called Gut Wittmoldt (the family often used slightly different spellings) that was located on the banks of the Plöner See. Madame de Tessé, Adrienne’s aunt, had rented the property and several emigrees lived there or in the surround area. La Fayette’s daughter Virginie wrote in her book:

At last on the 10th of October 1797 we arrived at Witmold a property Mme de Tessé had bought in a peninsula on lake Ploën. (…) At Witmold, my mother recovered her strength, and found repose of body and mind. My father found his friends. He was fond of Mme de Tessé, and had with her on every point complete community of opinions. His political life had met with her constant approbation, and you may fancy what charm five years of silence at Olmütz added to Mme de Tessé’s lively, animated and piquante conversation.

Mme de Lasteyrie, Life of Madame de Lafayette, L. Techener, London, 1872, pp. 372-373.

For the winter months of 1797/98, La Fayette rented Gut Lehmkuhlen, close by Wittmold. There were several reasons for the move. The family wanted to have a place of their own – and not everybody was as much in perfect agreement with La Fayette’s political opinions and actions as Madame de Tessé was. Virginie wrote:

Mme de Maisonneuve came to see her brother and joined us at Lhemkulen, a large castle in Holstein, near Witmold, which my father had hired for the winter. Shortly afterwards my brother arrived from Mount Vernon. Under General Washington’s paternal care he had become a man. My mother was happy and so were her children.

Mme de Lasteyrie, Life of Madame de Lafayette, L. Techener, London, 1872, p. 374.

After the winter months, the family moved back to Wittmoldt. It was then and there that Anastasie married. After the wedding, the family moved to Vianen, near Utrecht. Again turning to Virginie:

After a short stay there [Paris], and a visit to Mme de Chavaniac in Auvergne, we all met again in the following year 1799 at Vianen, near Utrecht. My father had come there from Holstein, with George. Exiles can fix themselves nowhere. Their only thought is to abandon their momentary home, their only wish to depart.

Mme de Lasteyrie, Life of Madame de Lafayette, L. Techener, London, 1872, p. 377.

Adrienne and Virginie had been in Paris and in the Auvergne, while La Fayette, Georges and Anastasie, now pregnant, had moved directly to Vianen. Adrienne and Virginie followed them there.

Gut Wittmoldt and Gut Lehmkuhlen were in a region that was then known as Danish Holstein. The region was very interesting from a cultural and social aspect, and it became the refuge for many French exiles. The region is today part of Northern Germany.

Vianen is a city in the Netherlands. By the time of the La Fayette’s settlement there, it belonged to the Batavian Republic.

I have made a detailed post about the La Fayette’s home in Vianen here.

I have no specific posts about either Wittmoldt or Lehmkuhlen – what is slightly ironic because I am very often in that area and have visited Wittmoldt especially quite often, but I never took any pictures.

Lehmkuhlen has, rather recently, been turned into a biogas plant but the gardens of the former estate have been preserved.

Wittmoldt is still owned by the same family and on their website they even advertise with the fact that La Fayette and his family stayed on their property. Today, the estate hosts many cultural events like concerts, workshops and art and craft markets. They also offer Equine-assisted therapy. Furthermore, Gut Wittmoldt can be rented for weddings or the like (the chapel where Anastasie married is no longer standing). Several of the buildings on the property have also been turned into guesthouses for tourists. Most modern buildings in Wittmoldt are from the 1860’s but there is at least the old bakehouse from the early 1790’s that La Fayette would have known and that also had been turned into a guesthouse.

I hope the information was helpful. I have a la fayette in exile-tag, that might interest you as well. I hope you have/had a lovely day!

[hungerpunch]

heavy sigh 🥀

i haven't had a blood grandmother since 2013, when mine died suddenly during a routine procedure. of course biologically, i have two grandmothers, but i only really had one. i've been excommunicated from the other almost all my life. (she lives to this day. i check the obits monthly. when she kicks the bucket i will celebrate.)

so having known kb's grandma, frances, for 13 years… she sort of became a substitute grandma to me, too.

frances has been a tough cookie all her life. she was raised on a farm in remote northern wisconsin. her parents were immigrants from poland. at 16, she dropped out of school to work, instead. she waited tables and bartended. at 18, she hitch hiked to chicago. she got a job at a polish bakery, where she remained all her working days. she met and married a young polish guy who was an… associate, of some degree, of the mob.

she raised three kids on the south side of chicago. then she raised kb, as both their parents worked full-time at odd hours in factories. her husband died 15 years ago. as far as personality goes, she's quiet but not mild-mannered. she's brusque but not mean. she just is, stalwart and true, shooting straight as an arrow. she won't tell you how she feels but it's not a duplicitous nature; it's just that she's private. she won't be cowed by yelling nor weaseled by niceties. the harder you try to be polite to her, the more she rebuffs it. she would never bother stabbing someone in the back when she could just walk away from their face.

she taught kb how to crack an egg, how to play poker, how to have whiskey, how to make pierogis, and how to bake her signature chocolate cake.

the cake. she made it every year for kb's birthday. eventually, they got it tattooed on their arm with "grandma" in flowing script beneath it. the handwritten recipe is inscribed on a plate that hangs in our kitchen. it's seven layers and requires 16 eggs. it's a demanding physical feat, making that cake, and she's always been a petite woman.

to this day, she intimidates me, even reduced to the tiniest thing in a hospital bed, covered in tubes. her dark eyes are shrewd as ever. her face betrays little emotion, but when she does smile, her gums are still pink and full of health. her silver hair is cut sharp and short as it has been all the time i've known her. when i first met her, i almost couldn't speak. what do you say when you're 18 and you're meeting a woman who faced the devil many times and won every round?

but she didn't try to put me in any place. she shook my hand, kissed my cheek, told me to make a plate in the kitchen. she didn't ask me questions or try to get to know me, but neither did she dismiss or ignore me. i was simply folded in. she taught me how to stuff and press and boil pierogis the same way she taught kb. when i would drive her around to errands, she would hide five dollar bills for gas in places i wouldn't notice until much later. when she played cards with us, she never teased me for not understanding poker.

she sends me birthday cards. she signs them "love, frances." she crocheted several long garlands and then hanging stars to decorate our christmas trees with. i know her house and i know her smell and i know her real smile. i am lucky enough to have heard her really laugh. i know what it looks like when she's really listening. i know when she actually feels touched by something you've done. i know the shape of her shoulders when you hug her. i can see the knobby knuckles of her fingers in my mind.

i've never gotten to say goodbye before. my cousin, my aunt, my grandpa, my grandma, my dad, my friend gabe--they all died suddenly. we went to the hospital last night. i don't know what i expected. i thought if you were facing hospice care until you pass, you would be cloaked in a morphine haze. not lucid. but frances is very cognizant. her vitals are all good. her heart is strong. her eyes, when she looks at you, are clear.

it's not that her body is giving up. it's just that her body is not strong enough to endure the surgery that would save her life.

so how, then? how will this go? is the cold hard truth that we have to starve a woman to a slow death? is there nothing to be done? it feels insane. i want to scream. it would be easier, if she wasn't home mentally. but she is very home. the lights are on. i couldn't say goodbye because it seemed impossible that the end is here. because she still seems so alive. i could only speak to her as if everything is normal.

[happyspookysteamer]

Letters to a Friend

Chapter 5

At Elsbridge, James pestered Wallace about the letter again. They had just dropped off their train, and both crews brought their engines to an empty siding for their next job. The signal man ran down to tell them that they would be waiting a while to proceed to their next job because an engine came to a standstill on their line, probably because of the frost. Until the line is cleared, they won't be going anywhere.

It wasn't as cold as it was in the morning, but frost still covered the land. Bored and curious, James wanted Wallace to finally read the letter. He didn't have to tell the young man twice, as he was dying of curiosity as soon as the letter was given to him. He had skimmed through it, but when he got it from the station master, he really wanted to read the whole thing through with Vance and James. Wallace clambered clumsily off of the red engine’s cab and stumbled all the way to his front. This was quite normal for Wallace, so James and Vance were not surprised in the slightest. Vance sat on James’s buffer, and Wallace stood in front of the two. Holding the letter as if it were some sort of scroll that had a decree from the royal family or something.

He was about to start when he stopped and looked to the back of Edward’s tender that was parked in front of them. He pointed in a questionable manner, as if asking, 'Is he allowed to listen?' Before James or Vance could respond, Edward answered for them. Well, gentleman, if I am invading your privacy, I could move to another siding, but I can't help but be curious as well after you have told me about your endeavour, but I will respect your wishes either way". Wallace was startled; he couldn't find out how he knew what he was doing, and he looked around Edward’s tender, looking for another pair of eyes that the old engine may have hidden. Vance just facepalmed, and James tried to contain a wheeze. The driver looked at his engine and nodded. He doesn't mind Edward listening. James looked between him and Wallace for a moment. If an engine could shrug, he would have, but instead he asked, "Edward? Would you like to know what is in the letter?". The old engine responded politely. "I would be delighted. Thank you, James." With that, Wallace sat on James’s other buffer and read the letter to Vance and the two engines.

Hello and Good day from France!

My name is Andreas Stark; I am 15 years old and live in France. I want to introduce myself, Mr. Marshall, who is a 45-year-old driver originally from Marquise in the northern part of France, and my father, Claus Stark, who is 38 and is also the fireman of our old engine named Leonhard. Leon is a large black 0–10-0 goods engine called the K.BAY.STS.B. class G5/5. He is partially blind in one eye from the First World War, but he is really friendly and would not harm a fly. He likes to work hard, but that often leads to him overworking himself. We all work on a railway in the southern part of France in a place called Belfort, which is close to the Swiss border.

The circumstances under which your letter fell into our hands were completely coincidental. We took a mail train that day, and your letter has fallen out of the bag and onto the floor of the mail van. When I saw the address, I first brought the letter to our administrative office. They threw the letter away, but I picked it up. I don't know why, but now I am glad I did. When I read your letter, I was very pleasantly surprised and couldn't wait to show Leon and my father the letter. Leon was as happy about the letter as I was. I immediately asked my father if we could write you a letter. Getting paper and a pen was the easiest part. My father and I also speak pretty good English, and so does Mr. Marshall, but Leon does not, but he still helped with writing by coming up with ideas of what we could write.

When we finished the letter, the biggest problem was finding a way to mail it. That is where Mr. Marshall came in. Being good friends with a postman, he managed to get some stamps and an envelope in return for a favour in the future. Mr. Marshall also came with a camera that he owns and took a photo of us after we gave Leon a wash-down, which we attached to the letter before we mailed it. If you would like to send us letters in the future, we have put down Mr. Marshall’s address so that we can get the letters directly.

We really loved hearing about you and hope to get to know each other better. Leon wants to say that he would really love to be friends with you, and so would I. We don't have that many friends anymore due to us having to flee our home, and your letter gave us something to look forward to. The days can be quite hard and repetitive, but this is something new and nice for a change. We can't wait to hear from you, and we hope the three of you, Mr. Wallace Peterson, Mr. Vance Jordan, and Mr. James, have a wonderful day.

Sincerely,

Andreas and Claus Stark, Mr. Marshall, and Leonhard

"What a lovely letter," said Edward. Wallace was giddy, happy that his idea paid off and that he has a pen pal now. Even Vance had a soft smile. He took the letter from the jumping fireman. In the envelope was a black and white photo of a large goods engine as well as two men in the cab that he assumed were the driver and fireman, Mr. Marshall and Mr. Stark. Standing on the tender of the engine stood a boy, probably Andreas, waving his arms around from the looks of it. Vance held the picture up to James’s face. The red engine cracked a smile as well. ‘They look like a nice bunch,' he thought to himself.

Vance got up and gave Wallace the picture. The ecstatic fireman takes off with the photo to show it to Edward. James and Vance heard Edward chuckle. Vance looks up at James and says, "So, what do you think? Up for another letter tonight?" James thought for a moment. At first, he didn't think much of his fireman’s idea; it was just a way to pass the time, or so he thought. Now, miraculously, it actually has someone’s attention in southern France. They wrote back… So maybe they are genuine in their interest in a new friendship? He would just have to see. To him, it's still just a letter, but he is curious about them and would like to see where this goes. "Why not? I know Wallace would be upset if we didn't," said the red engine. "We would have to see about potentially getting stamps for our new friends over in France; they seem to have difficulties in that regard," noted Vance. James had no idea where to procure stamps, but Edward suddenly spoke up. "Howard collects stamps; I’m sure he has a few extras to spare if you ask." "Thanks Edward! I’ll be sure to ask when he is back!" shouted Vance to the front, so Edward could hear him while also making the red engine wince at his volume. James thinks that wasn't that necessary since he really believes that the old engine hears better than a bat.

After some time, Edward’s crew returned with food. Vance asked Howard about some spare stamps while the crew all headed inside the station to eat. Leaving the two engines alone outside in an awkward silence. For James, it had seemed to get a little colder. The cool breeze made the red engine shiver in his frame. James looked around, unsure of what to do, and the silence started to make him a bit uncomfortable. James, I can literally hear you tense up. What's wrong? Talk to me," said Edward gently, unable to look directly at him because of the way they were arranged. James stuttered for a moment, looking at Edward or his tender. "W-well I guess I am not used to the silence," he said, more unsure of himself than usual, which did not go unnoticed by Edward.

"You never had a problem striking conversation with engines in the past; what is so different now?" said the old engine, trying to get to the bottom of the red engine’s recent strange change in behaviour. "I have had a lot of things on my mind recently. I have been having a hard time with many of the drastic changes that have happened recently. I don't really understand what is wrong with me recently or what it is that I am feeling. I’m just still trying to find my footing, Edward, nothing else'. James finished with a sigh, as if he had been holding his breath. Edward decided it would be best to leave it at that for now…

There was a bit of silence again; the only thing you could hear if you listened closely was the sound of engines in the distance, the low howl of the wind, and yard workers talking to each other further down the line. Edward, in an effort to break the silence, spoke again. "What do you think of the young boy who sent you and your crew the letter?" Edward asked instead. "Hmmm… Hm! W-what?" "In your own world, James?" he teased lightly. "N-no just… Whatever, what was the question again?" James asked, turning red at being caught zoning out. "I asked what you think of the lads in your letter." James muttered a quiet ‘oh’. "I- I think they seem like the nice sort; I’m not entirely sure what to make of them though based on that one letter; I mean, it's just a letter, right? I would hardly consider this a way to make a proper friend, not like a friendship that we have, for example, at least". " Letters have helped maintain contact with people across the world for ages. It can help form all kinds of relationships, but only if you want to. Remember James, there is a person on the other end who wrote it. Much like meeting new people, you barely know anything about them; these were more like introductory letters. Over time, you can get to know each other better and form a friendship that can last a lifetime, much like old Turner and his friend in America; he goes to visit him every year now. I don't see why you can't do the same James." Edward told the red engine. "Well, I can hardly just travel to France whenever I feel like-" "You know that is not what I meant James, give it a shot; maybe you’ll be surprised." James paused. "I guess you're right," he said, slightly resigned.

James and Edward’s crew returned shortly after having finished their meal. Wallace ran up to his engine and said, "Guess who is getting a washdown today!" James smiled widely at this news. "We’ll be taking a nice picture of you to send to Andreas." Vance followed up after catching up with his energetic fireman and trying to warm up his fingers by rubbing them together and blowing on them, causing him to puff similarly to an engine. That made James let out an amused snort. Vance continued to follow Wallace, and they climbed back into their engine’s cab. Howard and Edward’s driver stood close to the station, talking to the signal man. Howard was then the first to go over to Edward. He told both engines that the obstruction had been cleared and that it was safe to proceed to their next job. Edward was to leave for Hackenbeck, and afterwards James was to head for Knapford for another goods train. The signal went down, and Edward whistled a goodbye to James, "See you in the sheds tonight James," and he slowly steamed away. James followed soon after.

The rest of the day was rather uneventful for James, who just pulled trains back and forth, to and fro, round and about across the island for the rest of the day. As evening pulled in, James returned to Tidmouth, and the crew stopped their engine on a siding to wash him down. Men were already standing with buckets of water, soap, rags, and polish. His crew also got out to help wash their engine. James usually doesn't let just anybody close to his face after all, especially in the area where he has his scar. Wallace and Vance took off their jackets and rolled up their sleeves. For a winter day, it wasn't that cold. The sun shone softly, and the frosty rails shimmered lightly. A light, warm breeze brought in nice fresh air for James and the men. Vance wet a rag and soaped it up a bit. He climbed up to his engine’s face and started cleaning. He was especially gentle around the scar, watching the engine’s face in case his expression changed or showed any kind of discomfort. When he finished, he rubbed his engine's nose affectionately, much to his annoyance. Vance then dried off his face before climbing back down. The red engine enjoyed his washdown very much, feeling like it was a much-needed massage for his sore joints.

When the crew finished cleaning and polishing James, Vance put his jacket back on as it was getting colder again, as if Wallace’s shivering and complaining were to go off of. Remembering the picture he wanted to take for the letter, he climbed back into James’s cab to grab the camera that he had stored there during one of their stops before coming here. He was able to dash home real quick, grab some more food, greet his kids, and find his camera. He climbed back down with his camera in hand. Wallace finished with the final touches before putting his stuff back on and trying to make himself look a little more presentable. Vance asked one of the workmen to take a photo of them. He explained how the camera works and quickly rushed over to James and Wallace, who was still trying to figure out a good pose. The workman directed the men into the proper position before asking the two men and James to smile. What followed was a bright flash and a whirring sound. The workman handed the camera back over to Vance, and he thanked the workman for doing him this quick favour.

Afterwards, the men slowly backed their tired engine into his spot in the sheds. It was dark now, and the skies were clear. The crescent moon and bright stars visible in the sky are the only sources of light besides the shed lights. Gordon, Henry, Edward, and Emily were also in the sheds, having finished their duties earlier than James. Edward was the only one to greet him at first, as Gordon and Henry seemed to be either having a really loud conversation or arguing about something. Emily keeps dozing off, but she did notice James. She greeted him before yawning and finally falling asleep. She had long mastered the art of cancelling everyone’s voices out when she wanted to sleep. Henry and Gordon put a halt to their conversation when they heard Emily greet him. "Oh, hello James, how was your day?" said Gordon. "About as good as yesterday… and the day before that, and the day before that," responded James. "Well, at least the weather wasn't so bad today, and you look like you just had a washdown," noted Henry with a smile. "Thank you for noticing Henry. It was still rather chilly today, and I have been told it is going to get worse. By the way, what happened up the line in Elsbridge, where Edward was headed? We were told the tracks were blocked," asked James, to which Edward responded, "Turns out Thomas came off the rails; nothing major; they were able to get him on the rails again. He’s a bit cross, but he’ll be fine".

As the engines talked about the day's events, James’s crew dropped his fire and got him ready for the night. Vance strode up to his engine, patting him on the buffer. "Looking good Jim. Have a good night." "You too Vance, get home safely," the red engine responded. "Looking good? He’s gorgeous!" Wallace yelled, running after Vance after he had turned off the shed lights; now the moon was the only source of light aside from James's face, which was practically glowing red with embarrassment.

Henry howled in laughter, and Gordon grinned mischievously. "Well well my good engine I was not aware that we were in the presence of ultimate beauty." "Oh, leave me be Gordon," grunted James. Henry howled even louder, waking Emily. "Really? Do you have to be so loud?" she yawned tiredly. "James is gorgeous, apparently," came from the end of the shed. "Wow, what did I miss?" said the Stirling single, still a little dazed. Even she chuckled a bit. Henry was still wheezing uncontrollably, and Gordon continued to mock the red engine between his own laughter. The red engine had a grimace etched onto his face from the somewhat expected relentless teasing.

The only comforting voice came from the blue engine next to him. "There is nothing to be embarrassed about; you can just ignore their teasing; you know they just want to get under your paint." "I know Edward; I just know I won't hear the end of that one for weeks. Thanks, Wallace... He really just had to say that, didn't he? You know, I often feel like he just says things without thinking." "Well, I’m sure he did not mean to embarrass you in front of the others; from my perspective, Wallace is just a very passionate, albeit somewhat all over the place, kind of man, and I’d say you and Vance are the most important faces in his life." Edward smiled when James nodded knowingly. "You know, he once told me he does not have family anymore; he didn't tell me what happened, but he said it's kind of why he always goes out of his way to be around Vance and me. It kind of makes sense though, when you think about it. He goes home every night to an empty apartment, with no one to greet him when he gets back or someone to talk to. I remember what it is like to feel alone, so I feel for him." The thought of being alone brought memories from the red engine's past to the surface. He was not very close to his siblings on his old railway, or anybody else for that matter, but he remembers the emptiness he felt when he got the news that his class was being retired. He shook in his frame, not keen to remember those times.

"Well, let's think of it this way. I think you and your crew have a very special kind of relationship. I’m close to Howard and Robert, yes, but they are more like good friends. We still try to remain professional, and I am not that knowledgeable about their past or personal lives, though they have been my footplate crew for many years. I only know that Robert has three grandchildren, a son, and a wife. Howard is married but has never had any children; he lives in a small cottage with his wife and his nephew. Now look at Gordon's crew. Charlie is always arguing with Gordon. Or Henry's crew; Francis is still rather new as a driver and has been given an engine that needs a little more finesse while handling. Emily’s driver is a rather distant and not the most talkative man, which has led to miscommunication on quite a few occasions. From my standpoint, I believe that You, Wallace and Vance, have a unique understanding of each other's strengths and weaknesses; you work well together, and you look after and respect each other. You are more at ease with those two than you ever have been with any crew before. It's something to cherish." Edward finished.

While they spoke, the snickering from the other engines gradually died down. While Henry, Emily, and Gordon had fallen asleep, Edward and James were still up. For a while, they just looked at the night sky together, enjoying the peaceful silence. It did not make him as anxious as it did in the morning. Perhaps because James was preoccupied with thinking. He thought over Edward’s words. The red engine was remembering things again. He thought about his footplate crew. The day they met, the times they fought, the times they comforted each other, the way they would laugh together... he thought about how he absolutely loved Vance and Wallace. They treated him as a unique individual and not just another engine. They treated each other like family. Those two special men treated him better than his actual so-called family ever did. Almost everyone on this railway treated him better than the people and engines on his old railway, he thought. Especially Edward… James looked over at the blue engine and thought for a moment. He thought about how the old engine said his relationship with his crew was something to cherish. It made his thoughts wander to the engine next to him.

"Edward?" "Hmm?" the old engine looked over to James. "Do you have anyone that you especially cherish? Like with any of your footplate crew in the past or any Engines?" The old engine stared out at the sky for a moment. "Hmmm… well. I really love the many people and engines on this railway. I always felt that Thomas was like a son to me. Same with Bill and Ben. I am also especially grateful for my relationship with Sir Topham Hatt and his family. And I would like to think that The engines of this island are good friends to me. But I am closest to Gordon, Henry, Percy, Toby, and of course you, James." Edward finished with a smile. James blushed a bit and averted his gaze, which was directed intensely at the blue engine.

"But I guess you already knew that. You want to hear something different, right? I believe you want to know about those who had a significant impact on my life in my younger days, perhaps?" James nodded slowly. Edward looked up again; he seemed lost in thought. "I was once very close to a man named Johnny Bay. He was a fireman back when I was still working on the Furness Railway. I had multiple different crews depending on shifts, but John was special because he always had some snacks for the engines he was assigned to. He was closer to the engines than he was to other people. He also gave us nicknames."

"What did he call you?" smirked James. Edward laughed. "He called me Toffee." James went wide-eyed and tried to contain his laughter. "It's alright; it was meant to be funny. I used to love Toffee, and he especially got Toffee for me. There was an engine I worked with that he nicknamed Scone; another he called Pudding; another was called Tart… See a pattern? My favourite was our old shunter that he nicknamed Whisky, though that nickname was a little more problematic as a tipsy locomotive was a bit counterproductive. So John only gave him candies with small amounts of whisky. But John always loved to spend time with us; he loved to sing us drinking songs, tell us tall tales, play the occasional prank on other footplate crews, etc. He was quite agile for an old man. Every engine loved that man, and he was never unhappy, even when everyone else had no reason to be happy. He absolutely adored us engines the most. I remember a time when we were in our sheds during a particularly nasty storm. He came in completely soaked with a basket. We had a picnic of sorts. He spread a blanket on the shed floor for himself and spread some food around. He had many exotic things for us to try. Whisky apparently had a severe dislike of mangoes." Edward laughed at the memory before his smile fell. He sighed before he continued.

"I had a younger brother. Everyone called him Jr. He was named after one of our predecessors, a K1 Seagull named George. He followed me around like a lost puppy. It used to annoy me, but now I look back on those times with great fondness. He was the kindest engine in our yard, helpful, eager, smart… He was truly the best of us; he still had our typical shy steaming troubles, but he rarely ever let them show, which often led to him overworking himself, and he would also take any job given to him without complaints."

"He sounds a lot like you," smiled James. "Well, I do try to be as hardworking as he was when he was alive. I admit that when I was young, I was cocky, arrogant, and very impatient... I felt that what prompted me to change was when I had already been on Sodor and was told Jr. was in an accident and was being sent away for scrap. That really stirred something within me. I remember thinking, ‘Why him?’ He was a hard worker; why him and not me?" James looked down, and Edward sighed. He had a tired smile, and his eyes showed his age.

"Do you still feel bad?" the red engine asked carefully. "No, not that much anymore." James raised a brow in question at the response. Edward chuckled at his expression before looking back up at the starry sky. "I got to see him before they took him away, thanks to Sir Topham Hatt letting me take a train to Barrow in Furness so I could go see him before the scrap train left. He wasn't upset that he was being scrapped. He told me the only thing he regretted was not being able to spend more time with his favourite big brother." The old engine choked out the last part. He took a deep breath in an attempt to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. James grew concerned; he was unsure of what he should do, but he felt he should not say anything and interrupt his train of thought. If Edward didn't want to continue, he was sure he would say so.

"You can imagine how hard I cried," Edward said with a half-hearted smile. "I’m not even ashamed to admit it... He told me he had already come to terms with being scrapped, and he spent most of the time trying to console me. I remember constantly apologising to him for the times I mistreated or ignored him, and he just laughed it off like it was nothing; he wasn't the type to hold grudges, I guess. But before he left, he did make me promise him one thing, one thing as his last wish." "And what's that?" asked James cautiously. "He made me promise him to live a long, happy working life, find new friends, and find a new family... I promised... Then the train took him away."

The sheds were silent. Edward sighed in relief, his tense expression easing from his face. "I’m sorry, Edward." James spoke quietly; the heartbreaking story had made him emotional as well. For a while, the only thing that could be heard between the two engines was a soft, cool breeze through the yards. "Don't be! We have known each other for years now, and I do consider you to be my family. Understand that that is why I worry about you and occasionally tease you or am strict with you. I enjoy your company, and I enjoy working with you. To me, it was no big deal to tell you a personal story, especially since you asked and I trust you, so I was more than happy to share with you." He had no words for Edward's admission. To James, what he had just said was a really big deal, but he couldn't come up with anything to say. He awkwardly cleared his throat and contemplated for a bit. "I, um… I appreciate the sentiment." Edward’s expression fell a bit at that, like that was not what he was hoping for, but was quickly replaced with a smile again.

"Well, James, would you want to share anything about your past crew or your siblings?" asked the old blue engine. "Oh, well..." James tried to recall. "I was kind of an oddball amongst my siblings, and they treated me as such, either downright insulting me or ignoring me. I have had many crew members who liked me, but they were always more like colleagues than friends. Lawrence I had the pleasure of calling a friend. The war did make it so we had to trust each other, and it made me upset when I saw what it did to him. Then came Vance and Wallace. I remember at first I couldn't stand Vance; he would just bark orders and didn't consider my wishes… When it came to goods trains… Anyway, Wallace at the time was new to the yards over here, and I just remember thinking of him as a bit of a scatterbrain. He didn't annoy me as much as he did Vance… We really gave Vance a hard time, now that I'm remembering… but one night we got stuck in a siding as the switches broke and were stuck against me. Instead of just finding a place to stay, Wallace decided to stay. Vance went to find a place but then came back because he either couldn't find a place or because he felt bad. I think he felt bad because he wasn't gone for long. We just talked… all night. Vance told us about his family: his wife and kids, his parents, his siblings, yknow. Wallace told us about his travels and his difficult upbringing. He was always much more open, probably because he didn't have much to lose. I told them about the Lancaster and Yorkshire Railway, about my time on Sodor, my crash, my paintwork, and so on. We talked well into the morning when workmen came to fix the points. After that day, we had a sort of understanding, and over time, that developed into a bond, I guess... Beyond what Lawrence and I had."

Edward smiled. "Thank you for sharing with me." O- oh sure, you know, we should maybe… talk… like this more often?" The red engine stuttered, looking away. "I’d like that," said Edward with a smile. "And thank you, Edward, for sharing. I’m actually grateful," said the red engine. "Of course James, anytime. I thank you for listening. I appreciate it. Anyway, we should get some sleep. We’ll be up early again." "Yes, you're right… Goodnight Edward" "Goodnight Gorgeous." Edward snickered, backing into his sport in the shed, leaving James a spluttering mess. James just grunted in the end and backed into the shed as well. Before falling asleep, he just watched the stars for a little while longer, sighing deeply before slowly drifting off to sleep.

[siriusist]

Just because I've lived in both England and Australia, and I'm feeling a bit nostalgic for both, I wanted to list some of the things I missed (Putting aside some more questionable aspects):

Australia:

The good side of "Tall Poppy Syndrome" and that not everyone is invested in "hustle culture"

Nippy's Coffee Milk that I drank far too much of

7-11 Cheap-as-hell coffee I drank every day

Wombats

Being near the ocean

Kikki K's Stationary

The bookstore near my apartment with the rolling ladder shelf

Amazing coffee and baking from the Italian part of town made from coffee machines brought over after World War Two to start a new life with

Honesty

A feeling that if you're down a certain path, no one would look down their nose at you if you wanted to change your mind

Stupid shortening of names/nicknames that you at first have no idea what they mean but soon you realize a friend of yours has seen a bogen version of you at the shops and understand what it means (aka "Bogen Lozza")

England:

Compared to where I'm from originally, I enjoyed train rides because everything was relatively close

Regional dialects

Northerners (Sorry, people from the South- I vibed with people from the North more).

Attending my dream university (Cambridge).

Waterstones

You can enjoy slightly twee prints and vintage things like when Cath Kidston was more of a thing, and people don't think you're soft in the head.

If you're in some of the more smaller/sleepier towns/villages, you feel as though you can take your time and enjoy things.

How close it is to France, Scotland, and Ireland for trips (I know this is a joke for some English, but a two hour trip is NOTHING to me in comparison) (Also I love Edinburgh).

[lkkuntuoasare]

NOT ONLY IN FEBRUARY (POEM)

We don't need the government to tell U.S. that only in February

The birth month of, Frederick Douglas, one of greatest abolitionists, in memory

That it will reluctantly and hesitantly teach U.S. a watered-down version of our glorious Black History.

The only history books about Black folks in which the joke of a Governor, Ron Desantis, would approve of, is a history that's "anti-woke".

Like the Rage Against The Machine song-Bulls On Parade:

"They don't gotta burn the books, they just remove em"

Not just because the books make their "snowflake" children feel guilty, about the harsh realities of slavery, Black Codes, Jim Crow, red lining , and for-white-profit and black-agony penitentiaries, where like cattle, inmates are kept behind barb wire fences and are kept in check by armed sentries

The books are removed to control the minds of the youth and future policy makers for another century.

Forgot about black history lessons that will inspire the adolescences

No true stories of how Harriet Tubman , like a black woman Moses, spread justice through treacherous enemy lines, like it was the red sea and freed her fellow woman and man from white brutality, chains , whips , and rapes of Antebellum southern slavery, Or how she became a union spy who risked her life behind crimson soaked bloody earth to bring clandestine information to the union to help save northern army lives.

I'm sorry, but in American public pre-schools to universities, in deeply and devilishly red states run by makers of political policies like "anti-woke" lady Arkansas Governor, Sarah Huckabee, in class your babies, young men and ladies will never learn about great men like Pan-Africanist and black freedom fighter, Marcus Mosiah Garvey .

No information on Egypt's 25th Dynasty, that's when in 744 BC Nubian King, Piye, conquered Egypt, and reunited the two African lands of splendid gold jewelry and granite stone pyramids into one Nile Valley Monarchy .

No revolutionary history from the year 1804, that's when a bunch of poorly treated and trained, self-freed maroons, brought black doom and apocalyptic misery upon the Napoleon's Imperial navy and Army in Haiti

This defeat forced the Empire of France to sell its remaining remaining 15 states in "louisiana purchase" territories for for a meager 15 million dollar fee

Creating much of the land in the country of the land of the free that you currently see from sea to shining sea.

At an "anti-woke" elementary, high school, or university, they might let you hear about MLK's "I Have A Dream", but you never hear that that the dream was also anti-Vietnam war or that the dream included reparations for the descendants of the blacks who suffered the world’s worst froms of brutality, lynchings, Jim Crow and slavery.

No student research paper inquiries on how in 1999, in a court in Tennessee, the King family won civilly against Jowers, and several U.S. government agencies, for their part in the Dr.King assassination conspiracy.

If we leave it to the Alt-Right, Matt Walsh and the Ben Shapiro types to rewrite black history, it will read and only in February:

Blacks were put in Antebellum slavery due to their mental inferiority, and kept in modern slavery (mass incarceration) due to their criminality.

No mention of systematic white supremacy, mis-education, and over-policing and poverty.

#Poetry #BlackHistory

[kirstythejetblackgoldfish]

Long post:

After six years, this is incredible!

I hope he has enough time to process his experiences should it become a legal matter

Alex was taken on holiday to Spain by his mum and grandfather in 2017, but they never came home. His mum and grandad did not have legal guardianship. It was believed they may have gone to Morocco to join a commune

Alex was from Oldham and lived with his grandmother. His mother and grandfather are very spiritual, which is not a bad thing, but even former friends of hers made videos after his disappearance saying there were 'real concerns' about her parenting. They didn't pay any bills (seemingly deliberately rather than being impoverished) and were eventually evicted. The house had no electricity, and there was a pile of mail from spiritual groups and bailiffs and such

Now I definitely don't agree with kicking people out of their homes, but this is where personal experience, and the spiritual-to-fascism pipeline comes in. Nine years ago, I went to a protest in Bury, near Manchester (Oldham is also near Manchester) because a friend, who attended many protests in Manchester and talked about 'raising the vibration of the planet' was being kicked out of his house because he, too, refused to pay council tax. Loads of people turned up, and the police called off the eviction because there were too many people there. The video still does the rounds in alternative circles, and it has me and my mum in it. However, he was evicted at a later date instead.

He became more religious in the Christian sense, alas, it did not make him in any way a better person. He became more bigoted, hating on Muslims in particular, then LGBT people... especially those two groups of people. Now he runs a far-right 'truther' newspaper and did an interview with the BBC which was investigating him. Yes, you're a white dude, but you look like Yasser Arafat. You're putting yourself in danger with your own stupidity and hatred 🤦🏻‍♀️

This 'newspaper' is harassing a Northern Irish mother whose son sadly killed himself, but they insist he was killed by vaccines. They run smear articles against her and her lawyer. They reportedly supported that far-right coup attempt in Germany with the butthurt 'prince'

He also appeared on This Morning to talk about the Earth being flat. All of us who knew him previously pointed out what a bigoted moron he had become

I also have a family member who used to read spiritual magazines (think crystals, essential oils, predictions etc.), but stopped buying them because they were 'owned by Soros'. They also read David Icke books, and refused to believe anything I said about Gaddafi until it turned out David Icke said the same stuff (but he conveniently never mentioned the Jamahiriya system, and now he hates on trans people all the time)

Alex's story sounds like something out of one of those French movies, or even a certain Simpsons episode. He just said his mum was 'weird', but sadly it wouldn't surprise me if she was emotionally abusive and/or manipulative. His grandmother said that while on holiday, she had a video call with Alex and at one point, he asked 'When are we going home, Mum?' and his mum said 'Turn that off now, no more contact, that's it.'

The fact that they were living in tents and caravans brings to mind the recent Constance Marten case. With that in mind, it's a good thing that Alex was a teen and not a baby in the mountainous French winter

Maybe one day, we'll know his full story

[cathkaesque]

do you thing the UK should be divided in a hypothetical scenario of a communist revolution? should just northern Ireland be given back? what if Ireland is still capitalist? what about all the overseas territories?

I guess the answer to this is contextual. A seizure of power by forces with any kind of socialist bent (either by election or by a coup) would have to deal with an immediate collapse of the British economy in the form of a collapse in the value of government bonds (which underpin the resolution to the 2008 crisis, discussed here). This will be accompanied by the inability of the state to continue borrowing money, a collapse in the stock and property market bubbles, a 'credit crunch' as banks and pension funds no longer have the ability to continue lending, closure of most British businesses, accompanying collapses in the value of the currency and gross domestic products, and with it Britain's ability to continue importing essential items like food, medicines, textiles, inputs into domestic industries, computers and other consumer essentials (never mind luxuries). This will either be the context in which a socialist movement comes to power or the response of investors to a socialist government that actually has the guts to break with international financial institutions.

We had a sneak preview of this with the Truss government and I do think it's the UK's long term trajectory. Currently the UK is resolving this through extreme austerity measures, keeping the value of bonds high by feeding more and more of the country's social and industrial infrastructure to the financial system, but government borrowing costs are currently as high as they were at the height of the Truss government. I think Britain's slow motion financial collapse is inevitable - the question is how much of society is fed to that financial system before it dies. We are essentially faced with a choice between ending consumerism and financialisation and transitioning to an economy that can meet immediate needs for healthcare, education, housing, food, and little else, or the slow motion collapse of society and the environment while the joys of a consumerist standard of living become restricted to an ever shrinking slice of the world's population.

The socialist movement's task will be to ensure a society which is used to being able to live balanced on the top of the financial and global value chain system can still reproduce itself in the context of the disintegration of that system. To survive this period, the state will have to seize control of banking and investment and direct economic activity towards the immediate needs of the population. It will also have to manage a massive global population transfer from the South to the North due to the effects of climate change.

To achieve this, it's essential that the popular insurrections that are going to break out during this period (moments like the Estallido in Chile for instance, what's happening in France etc) are able turn themselves into political forces capable of carrying out this programme, and support each other in taking these steps as well. The class basis of these forces will probably be the 'marginalised' of the system - people in deindustrialised areas in the north, inner city populations, and the (frequently migrant) workforces in the domestic industrial system. These populations are often in conflict with one another (see how Brexit pitted the deindustrialised Northerners vs the migrant workers, culture wars around race etc) but I do think that's got to be the bedrock of any coalition.

I think people who want Scottish and Welsh independence and Irish Unification and anti-colonialists are going to be a part of a successful coalition strong enough to remove the current government from power. The direction politics is going in at the parliamentary level is also towards a consensus between the two main Westminster parties in favour of hard right toryism, and alternative policie only really get a hearing in places like the Scottish parliament at the moment. The current system is based on a very centralised economy and state, and breaking that power up and distributing it to local populations is very important. I think creating localised directly democratic structure to manage community welfare provision (I'm particularly inspired by the communal council system in Venezuela here) and devolving powers to local governments is an essential part of the whole process. Indepedence should be granted to all overseas territories.

When it comes to Northern Ireland I think it's always been a case of 32 county socialist republic. The Irish state as it stand is descended from the Irish Free State and the partition settlement of the Irish civil war. The Irish state has played a role in amelirioating republicanism in the North partly because it was in large part a revolutionary working class movement that would have implications for the social structure in the South. Sinn Fein have been pretty much integrated into Stormont now, and is also a pretty social democratic force in the South as well.

The other side of it is the role that Ulster unionism has played in connection to British fascism, Ulster unionists supplied fascists organisations with guns in the 1990s. Any socialist revolution will have to confront a whole host of reactionary forces. This will include fascist forces like the unionists, but also a ruined managerial and landlord class whose wealth is derived from their control over people and property, and the military establishment as well. It's not so much a question of the 99% vs the 1%, but the 60% vs the 40%, and in an imperialist country like Britain I'm not even sure we're the 60% in that.

Anyway that's a lot of Marxist gibberish that doesn't even really answer the original question - hope something useful is in there! Thanks so much!

[jacobgdavis-blog]

RECAP OF TRIP TO FRANCE

Thursday, May 23 thru 29, 2024

DAY 5 - Mont St. Michel, Tuesday, May 28, 2024

This day would be an entirely different vibe than the American and WWII-history-heavy devotion of yesterday. Mont St. Michel was somewhere I visited on a whirlwind tour of Europe 21 years prior during a study abroad program. The site occupies a near-mythical status for me in my mind.

Located on a sometimes-island just off the coast of northern France, when the tide comes in, the hilltop fortress becomes a true island only accessible by a modern bus & pedestrian bridge. Over a dozen parking lots were stacked along the coast. Free shuttles were available but the long pilgrimage to the island on-foot across the bridge as the fortress on the horizon got closer and closer was an experience all unto its own.

Two decades prior, I only have a vague memory of Mont St. Michel feeling like a magical place that I promised myself I’d come back to someday. It’s honestly more touristy than historically significant, but the Medieval cobblestone roads and ancient structures at the top are 100% real. I was worried the visit wouldn’t live up to the hype in my own head, but to my absolute pleasure, it did… and then some.

The day-trip also had some complicated logistics. We had set out west from Caen for 1.5 hours only to know we’d have to come back to Caen later that evening to gas up our rental van, return it to Enterprise, and catch a 2-hour train ride back to Paris for our last evening in France. We managed it though, and it all worked out.

The whole exercise of the day-trip to Mont St. Michel is pretty much the same for everyone: Arrive in the morning, climb to the top to tour the abbey (if you can make the very non-handicap-accessible climb; The massive crowds certainly thin out as you get closer to the top) and then back down thru the cobblestone streets with unmatched views from the top along the ramparts. Numerous gift shops, coffee shops, and casual-to-fine-dining restaurants are available throughout the trek up or down. The island’s cuisine is most famous for its omelettes with oldest continuously in-business restaurant (specializing in omelettes, of course) allegedly being open since 1872.

When we got to the top, we got to hear a church service in the abbey which consisted of nuns and monks chanting and singing their liturgies. I got very emotional at the service, not really for religious reasons as a much as just taking inventory of all we had done in the week and in light of my now ever-present circumstance with a Stage 4 cancer diagnosis. It was a good thing I had sunglasses on because I was a bit of a mess. I had been looking forward to this trip for 5+ months after dreaming it up but not executing 7 years prior. We had finally made it happen. It was everything I had hoped for, and it was coming to an end. I guess to some degree, besides my family life which is most important to me, this trip gave me some purpose amidst the hardest last 9 months of my life, a life I love living and that was potentially wrapping up too early for my and my family’s liking. I was feeling relatively good health-wise since the new year and on this trip particularly, despite having had a chemotherapy treatment the day before departure.

I got separated from the group at the top thinking they had started to make their descent, but they were really just lallygagging in gift shops. 😉 With bad cell reception in such a remote place, it was hard to communicate, and when texts actually would go thru, the place was such a maze that it was hard to describe exact whereabouts. I was already emotional, and I was starting to get upset that I’d be potentially experiencing the scenic descent down the ancient pathways alone which is the opposite of what I envisioned. Danny came and found me, and I’m not too proud to say, I broke down and let it all out with him, swearing him to secrecy that I couldn’t keep my emotional shizz together. I ended up pulling myself together after about 5 minutes, having been lost but now found! We all met back up and ended up having a leisurely lunch on the way down at a cave of a restaurant toward the top.

We walked all the way back to the van, covering an unbelievable amount of ground. Danny drove back, hitting rush hour traffic in Caen on the way back. He was a pro having drive his band’s tour van all over the U.S. multiple times and having just navigated Spain with Kelsey via rental car the weeks prior. The only real fiasco occurred when I was turning in the rental and dropped an entire bottle of red wine on the ground. The French workers at Enterprise were actually incredibly gracious to me, a clumsy American, as they mopped up the wine and broken glass off the tile. We made our train in time, and were back in Paris just after 9pm. What a day.

We had one last night in France, and we spent it grabbing souvenirs, taking solo walks, and having dinner in separate groups. Ben, Grant, my dad, and I unwisely, but perhaps desperately, stopped at a place called Broadway Cafe which was Paris’s idea of what NYC was like. We had some very subpar Neapolitan pizzas while Jed got his kiddos trinkets, and Danny ate some mediocre escargot at a restaurant near our hotel. We joined up briefly after dinner, and said our goodnights to Grant and my dad as Ben and I joined Danny and Jed for one last night of local beers (Kronenbourg 1664 on this evening) and oysters. We finally retired exhausted, 2-to-a-room instead of 3-to-a-room this time on this solo night in Paris at Jardin Le Brea Hotel located in a more upscale part of town. The hotel was very nice, if not extremely compact in the most Euro-ways (e.g. one-person elevator barely able to accommodate luggage), but we had little time to enjoy it minus a really good shower and a quick 7am breakfast before our car transfer to the airport at 7:15am the next morning.

[mask131]

I know that it is kind of horrible for me to say that, but something within me, the part of me that loves balance and symmetry and neatly classifying stuff, is somehow satisfied with how we have two open forms of discrimination on each of the two opposite sides of the political spectrum, making a full racist rainbow: against Blacks and Muslims/Arabs for the extreme-right (because for them Muslim and Arab are the same thing), against Jews and Asians for the extreme-left.

Mind you, I am going to speak mostly about the situation in France here - but I do suspect the same logic and workings apply to other countries, such as the USA.

What is even more interesting with this four-way display is that it clearly shows you how racism, as a principle, can exist on radically opposite political poles. You think these two sides would not share such a vicious concept - and yet they do, and what is fascinating is to see why each side is racist at different levels. [Also there's something to say about how each time a political ideology gets "extreme" it also gets racist. That's just the Horseshoe Effect for you.]

For the extreme-right, we know why they are racist, but I'll still recap some stuff. Mainly... I would say xenophobia. The extreme-right in Europe and America, dominated by white people, by Christian people and by nationalists, hate the "other", the "different", the "foreigner", the one who isn't doing "like we are". Because they live in Christian countries, are Christians and want everything to stay Christian, they pick on what they present as the "rival of" or "anti" Christianity, Islam. But it is just a replacement for how before it was Judaism ; and who knows, when Islam won't be in fashion anymore they'll attack... I don't know Sikhism or Buddhism probably. And the religious motivation for the discrimination gets fascinating when you compare European countries where Catholics dominate, and the USA where Protestants dominate, because despite being two branches of Christianity, they still discriminate each other in the extreme-right perspective, because "they are not doing the proper Christianity". They are racist towards Black as a whole because they are obsessed with people coming from their own country, hate anyone who might descend from another culture or another country - even worse when it is another continent ; and the whole "There's a white continent for white people, a black continent for black people", blabla...

I mean we know all that and it is foul enough that I do not want to repeat it all here, it already gives me a migraine. They discriminate black people because they're not white, they discriminate Muslim people because they're not Christian, they discriminate Arabs and African people and diasporas because they come from "elsewhere" and are "foreigners". The extreme-right is born in a specific state of society where a given ethnicity and a given religion dominates - and they want to preserve this society at all costs, refusing openings, diversities or fluctuations in terms of culture. They demonize the idea of any "outside influence" and in return glorify a certain form of idyllic past during which nothing but the dominant factors existed.

And this is why when the extreme-right moves from country to country or continent to continent, they always keep the idea of one ethnicity/one religion that must dominate the others - but which ethnicity and which religion changes... Look at far-right movements outside of Europe and Northern America, and you'll see.

That being said, when it comes to the extreme-left, now things get viciously interesting! Because the left has precisely built itself against the ideals of the 20th century extreme-right, against all the racism and discriminations of a post-Nazi world. They have presented themselves as "against racism"... And yet they are being openly racist today, just racist towards ethnicities the extreme-right does not openly target. Why? Precisely in the name of "anti-racism" fight, and that's where things get crazy.

Everybody jokes about how the left hates the "rich old white dudes", right? I mean there's the whole Velma scandal going on and everybody jokes about it right? But it becomes less funny when you realize this hatred for the most racist group within a society (wealthy elderly white people) becomes a vehicle for... racism. Because by a perverse set of association, the extreme-left will derive in a game of "pick and choose your favorite minority", and thus decide which ethnicity is "worth" or "truly" a "minority" within their own country. Why are extreme-left movements targetting the Jews and the Asians? Or, to be more exact, why are they either completely ignoring the violences and hatred they fae, or silently/passively supporting the actual hate groups turned against them? Because that's part of the thing with the extreme-left - extreme-right politicians are very vocal about active discrimination, while extreme-left work on passive discrimination, through ignoring certain topics, silencing certain scandals, changing a situation's point of view, and passively supporting foul groups.

So why? Because Jews and Asians, unlike, for example, people of African or Arab descent, are too close to their taste to "white people". And because they are "too white", because they are too "well-inserted", precisely because they are what some call "model minorities", the extreme-left lumps them together with the "white people" and declare: They are not minorities, or rather they do not have the same rights at being a minority than other actual minorities. It is a fucked up "Who is the most prejudiced against" competition. We have seen before all the "Jews are White" or "Japanese people are White" posts and discourses, right ; but also consider how a lot of people who fall into the extreme-left declare that "racism", as a word, should ONLY be applied to Black people. For example, some people do declare that you can't be racist towards Asian for the same reason you can't be racist towards white people. Which is completely missing the fact "racism" is a discrimination based on race, not a discrimination about being black. One can be racist to people of India. And they're not black. One can be racist towards Arabs. And they're not black. Etc, etc...

And then, we slip into pure racism because of... wealth. I am, myself, quite baffled by how the extreme-left creates what I honestly thought was a joke more than anything, but is a real thing now: a classicist racism. As in, the extreme-left doesn't just associate the minorities and ethnicities it doesn't like with white people - it specifically associates them with the "rich white people", to completely wrap everything it was built to dislike into one neat little package. And from this dislike of hyper-wealth, and a capitalist society, or whatever - we slip into racist cliches. "The Jews are all rich and wealthy", "We know Asians have more money than regular people". Recent public investigations in France have proven that most of the people who are invested in left-leaning political parties do believe in myths such as "The Jews are part of the upper-class and naturally wealthier than other people" or "The Jews are well-placed and deeply linked to the world of finances and media". And this is coupled with a rise of violent, racist attacks that have been happening in France before these investigations were led - some years ago there was a whole series of violent street-robberies in the Parisian area targetting Chinese (or Chinese-looking) women, and when the thieves were arrested, they always said "Yeah, but it's because we know Chinese folks are rich and always carry with them lot of money". Asian-looking women, at the time, feared to get out because of this wave of delinquants that had their head filled with completely idiotic stereotypes... But this reflects what is happening in general, and why from ideals against discrimination, the left becomes "extreme" by feeding into racist stereotypes. From opposing a majority to defend minorities, it devolves into "We only defend the minorities worth defending".

[Mind you, the balance is not perfect. There are still in France active extreme-right groups who are virulently antisemitic and racist towards Asian people. Because the extreme-right in France will always be racist towards everybody that isn't a Christian-white. But the thing is that,for dozens of years now, the extreme-right has been doing a huge effort we call the "de-diabolization" to erase their embarrassing and shameful past as supporters of the Nazi and nostalgics of the Occupation, so now the defense and support of Jewish people is one of their most open priorities, which is... deeply ironic to say the least. But it also explains why they had to switch from one target to the other, and the rise of terrorist groups and the ungodly amount of Islam-inspired terrorist attacks in France made they go "Great, now Arabs are out shooting target." With the added bonus that they can feed off the whole "Arabs hate Jews" idea. And the further you go in, the more twisted and convoluted and messy it becomes...

EDIT: I just discovered that I was writing this whole time "extreme right" and "extreme left", due to this being the terms used in French - when American-English speakers use "far right" and "far left". As such consider that "extreme" is just synonymous with "far" - though I will keep using "extreme" because I think it is more appropriate than just "going too far"

[tlstraveldiary]

A Weekend Full of Louis

I spent last weekend between Louisville, KY and St. Louis, Missouri. Both named after King Louies from France, though Louisville is after Louis XVI and St. Louis is after Louis IX. The main purpose of the trip was to attend the Kentucky Derby, though we made a few pit stops. A horse race, North America’s tallest monument, and what I’m counting as a new state later, here are my thoughts on the weekend.

I flew into St. Louis early Friday morning and my lovely friends, Madelynn and Alli picked me up from the airport. Madelynn is originally from right outside Louisville, but now lives in St. Louis and is the reason I came for the derby. I met her through my job, so, in addition to friends, we’re co-workers and sorority sisters. She is probably the most sociable person I have ever met, and talks to strangers with ease. She makes you feel like everything you’re saying is the most compelling thing she’s ever heard. Alli is also a friend, co-worker, sister, who flew in from San Diego for the weekend. Originally from northern California, she is incredibly put together, prepared for any situation. A spill barely has time to figure out what fabric it’s on before she pulls out a Tide pen. She has some of the most interesting lore, paired with the most beautiful hair.

We left from the airport to get some coffee, and tried out Omen Coffee Co in Midtown. I ordered the Chocolate Covered Strawberry latte which was uniquely delicious. After, we headed to Madelynn’s Cycle Bar class. If you’re in St. Louis, I highly recommend taking a spin class with Madelynn. She manages to find the perfect balance between pushing you to be your best, while also not making you feel bad about yourself if your best isn’t 100mph at the highest resistance. After class, we pretty quickly hopped in the car and headed for Louisville, knowing we’d be back to St. Louis.

What do you consider to count as having been to a state? For me it’s either leaving the airport, or getting out of the car. That’s why I’m counting Indiana as visited after last weekend, though all we did was stop at a gas station. We were hoping to snag some much needed diet cokes, but found the gas station soda fountain had been hit by a tornado and was out of commission. Luckily for the gas station, the soda fountain was the only thing hit.

The drive from St. Louis to Louisville is shockingly beautiful. The ignorant Texan in me thinks of the midwest as being entirely flat farmland, but there’s actually some rolling hills and trees. We pulled into Louisville and met up with two of Madelynn’s friends from college, Connor and Savannah, both of whom happen to also fall into the sorority sister category, at a local Thai restaurant. Then we all headed to Madelynn’s parent’s house, where they were nice enough to let us stay for the weekend, and went to bed.

The next morning was Derby Day! Madelynn’s mom made us a delicious breakfast of cinnamon rolls and mimosas, and we had the classic girlhood moment of getting ready together, listening to music and sipping drinks. I was having both a good make up and good hair day, believe it or not. After some debate, I ended up leaving my hair in it’s natural, straight state, and (shockingly) didn’t regret it. Once we were all ready and pictures had been taken, we headed to the Derby.

I’m going to do a separate post on what it was like sitting GA Infield at the Derby, but for now here’s all you need to know: it was fun, but it was exhausting. After the main race, we headed out for some much needed dinner. Leaving the Derby is not as easy as getting there. Hundreds of people leave the infield all at once, most of them needing Ubers, just like we did. We had to walk to the University of Louisville stadium before we could even hope to find a ride. Keep in mind, there are no seats in the infield, so at this point we had been standing in heels for hours, and we were exhausted and hungry. As we were walking, Connor was telling us about how her mom drives for Uber, and “wouldn’t it be so funny if we saw her?” Next thing we knew, we did see her. She was picking up two girls our age who had paid her cash to pick them up after she Ubered them there, and they were willing to let us hop in. It was nothing short of a miracle! She took us to Drake’s, where we had life-giving food.

We started with appetizers: friend pickles, soft pretzel bites, and BLT tots. The tots were life changing and I will but putting bacon, lettuce, and tomato on top of tater tots from now on. For my entree, I got mini burgers. As any meal is after you’ve been drinking all day, it was the best I’ve ever had. Even after all that, our day was not over. We originally headed to Tin Roof for drinks and dancing, but after seeing it looked dead and had an expensive cover, we switched our plans and headed to O’Shea’s. I can’t tell you if O’Shea’s is fun or not because we never made it inside. What I can tell you is that I’ve never had a queuing experience quite like that. We pulled up to find the line went for blocks, but decided to tough it out. El Nopal, the Mexican restaurant down the block was selling margaritas off the street, which we, of course, had to indulge in. We chatted and waited in line for about an hour before we decided to go ahead and head home. By the end of the day, my feet were screaming at me, but it was all worth it.

The next morning, we enjoyed brunch at Emmy Squared Pizza. I had the Becky, which was exactly what I needed. I’ve heard brunch is new for them, and I would highly recommend. Afterwards, we headed to what is apparently the best cookie shop on the USA, Please and Thank You. I, of course, had to try a chocolate chip cookie and, let me tell you, it was delicious, though I’d have to try it side by side to my beloved Levain before I could say which is better. I also ordered the butterscotch latte which was the perfect blend of sweet but not too sweet. We then checked out some local shops, namely Six Sisters Boutique, WOW - Women-Owned Wallet, and Vintage Vibe, before heading back to St. Louis.

When we arrived in St. Louis we headed straight for the Gateway Arch, as one does in St. Louis, before heading to try toasted raviolis at Mama’s On the Hill and grabbing concretes at Ted Drewes. Both were equally delicious. The next morning, Alli left on an early flight, but I had some extra time. I took another one of Madelynn’s CycleBar classes (seriously, try it out) and took myself to the St. Louis botanical gardens, which were beautiful. I originally wanted to see Degas’s ballerina statue at the St. Louis art museum, but it’s unfortunately closed on Mondays. After the gardens, I headed to the airport. I’ll make another post with my 24 hours in St. Louis itinerary, where I’ll go into more detail.

Last weekend was full of dear friends and new adventures, and was pretty perfect in my book. I’m so lucky to have a job that brought me friends like Madelynn and Alli, and to be part of an organization that has connected me with so many women, including Connor and Sav, across the nation. If you get the opportunity to have a Louis weekend for yourself, Louis XVI, Louis IX, and I definitely recommend it.

[tipsycad147]

Our Ancestors’ Gods & Goddesses: Why & How To Work With Them

posted by : kitty fields

When beginners come to the path, the first thing they want to know is how to choose a god and/or goddess. This isn’t necessarily the first thing you have to know, but it can definitely help begin your spiritual journey. Often, the experienced pagans will tell the newbies to go with whatever god or goddess calls to them – whatever deity they feel the biggest connection to. While choosing a deity that you feel drawn to is perfectly fine, as you move forward on your spiritual path, look into your ancestors’ gods and goddesses. We will explore the reasons why it is beneficial to work with your ancestors’ gods, as well as discuss how to begin this enlightening process.

How to Choose An Ancestral God and Goddess

Choosing an ancestral god or goddess isn’t as difficult as it may sound, though it will require time and effort.

First, get to know your ancestors.

You won’t know how to choose an ancestral god or goddess if you don’t know your ancestors. Typically the excuses for pagans not working with their ancestors include: “I don’t know anything about my family”, “I’m adopted”, or “my family doesn’t talk to me”. These seem like valid excuses not to speak to our ancestors, don’t they? Wrong. If you don’t know anything about your family, start by speaking with the eldest person in your family and ask them questions. You’d be surprised what that person might know – even if it’s just a random story about an ancestor who died in the 1960’s. Even if it’s a rumor or family legend about where your ancestors originated. Whatever that person tells you, write it down.

DNA tests can help.

Secondly, for those who are adopted, get your DNA tested. There are dozens of companies testing DNA now including Ancestry and MyHeritage and 23andMe. They sometimes have discounted rates around the holidays, so keep an eye on the prices if you are on a limited budget. Or ask for it as a present for your next birthday or Christmas.

WARNING: if you are adopted (or even if you’re not), DNA tests sometimes reveal things in the family that you and your family might not be ready to handle. For example – grandpa might have lived a double-life back in the 60’s and has 2 kids the entire family never knew about. Sounds crazy, but it happens. You’ve been warned.

DNA Results and Google Searches

Next, Work With Your Ancestors

What does this mean to “work” with your ancestors? Cultures all around the world believe and participate in ancestor worship. It is calling on your ancestors and honoring your ancestors in your spiritual practice. You can set up an altar or a corner of a room and dedicate to your ancestors. Hang pictures of them on your walls. Give offerings to them based on what they might’ve liked while they were alive (anything from food to incense to flowers). Talk to them.

Find out what gods and goddesses they might have worshiped.

Now this might not apply to recent ancestors, as much of the world has been converted to abrahamic religions such as Christianity and Islam. But you can go back in time and research the pagan gods of your ancient ancestors. Keep in mind when you discover the potential gods of your ancient ancestors, there will be guesswork and intuition that comes into play. At some point, the world was in a tribal state of community. And each tribe sometimes had their own god and goddess which was different from the next tribe’s god or goddess. Depending on the time period and region, you might find a god or goddess that was widely venerated which can be the deity you choose to work with. Or the deity might choose you.

Searching for my Mother Goddess.

For example, I researched extensively the gods and goddesses of Southern Germany, Switzerland, and Northern France. My DNA is from this region and much of my ancestors are from these areas according to my research. I had a difficult time finding information on deities, as much of the information has been lost or watered down. After digging into the history, folklore, and fairy tales from that region I found my Mother Goddess. Or perhaps she found me. There were too many signs to deny her.

Learn how to work with the old gods in our new practical guide here:

Why Are Our Ancestors’ Gods Important or Beneficial?

Working with our ancestors’ gods is not only important, it is beneficial to your spirituality and life. Your ancestors’ blood runs through your veins. Your ancestors’ DNA combines and makes up your DNA. Not only do their physical traits transfer over to you, but their memories pass on to you, as well. No, you might not remember your ancestors’ lives, but it is an inherent part of your four bodies – physical, mental, emotional, and ethereal. There’s a literal blood link between you and your ancestors, which means that their gods are passed down to you through your DNA.

Awakening DNA Memory

Awaken your DNA memory by working with your ancestors. Research their origins – location, culture, religion, history, etc. Once you do this, you might discover you have awakened ancestral memory and an ancestral god or goddess easily comes through to you. Think about this. You initially choose the goddess Sekhmet, an Egyptian lion-goddess of war, revenge, and ferocity; however, you have no Egyptian DNA or ancestors. Another person of Egyptian blood seeks to work with Sekhmet on a spiritual level. Who do you think will benefit more from this relationship? Sekhmet will see the direct correlation with the individual whose ancestors once venerated her in Ancient Egypt and gravitate towards that person. It’s NOT racist. It just makes sense.

Obscure Gods & Goddesses: They’re waiting for you!

This isn’t to say this goddess would deny a person of non-Egyptian descent, it’s just pointing out the benefits of one who may be of Egyptian descent. Another benefit of choosing one of your ancestors’ gods is sometimes obscure gods and goddesses who haven’t been recognized in hundreds or thousands of years might be more willing to help you since you are one of few who actually address them. They might have been forgotten in the annals of time, and UP pops little ol’ you! You’ve built an altar for this obscure god, researched your ancestors’ beliefs, and now you’re trying to honor this god in your own way and bring your ancestors’ memory alive. How excited and willing to help would you be if your family forgot about you for hundreds of years than suddenly some kid decides to honor and talk to you out of nowhere? You can see the benefits of this relationship with obscure ancestral gods and goddesses. There’s a lot more out there than you could ever imagine. And they’re waiting for SOMEONE…ANYONE to remember them.

Arguments Against Working With Ancestral Gods

Some arguments against working with ancestral deities involve the person’s heritage. I made it seem simple above when discussing how to start working with one’s ancestors, but sometimes it’s difficult to decide which ancestors to focus on. Why is this? Because the majority of people on this planet have heritage from many different places and cultures. So how do you decide which flock of ancestors to work with? If you can’t figure this out, you won’t be able to choose an ancestral god or goddess. The choice is up to you whether you focus on the majority of your ancestors and their ancient beliefs or try to include a god or goddess from differing ancestors’ cultures and regions. Yes, it could get sticky, but you will figure it out eventually. And your ancestors will be there to guide you.

Is it racist to be proud of your heritage?

To some this is a deeply controversial topic, working with ancestral gods and goddesses, as it seems to denote the label of “racist” to those who don’t understand the deeper purpose. Why is it racist to honor your heritage by working with your ancestors and their ancient beliefs and history? No matter what your heritage is, it shouldn’t be considered racist to honor your ancient origins – be it indigenous African, indigenous American, Aboriginal, Celtic, Roman, Greek, Indian, etc. Be proud of who you are and be accepting of others who are also proud of who they are. And know that NO ONE in this world is of pure heritage (as some claim), unless their people have lived on an island or place completely separated from the known world. That being said, there are indeed racist pagan groups who use this knowledge for their own hateful agendas. Be wary of anyone who tells you to be proud of who you are but degrades others who are different.

Past Lives bring through Deities

Another argument against choosing an ancestral god or goddess is that many people believe they are drawn to a deity because of a past life. Perhaps you feel you had a past life in Egypt and are drawn to the Egyptian deities. This could be true; however, don’t completely ignore the fact that your ancestors’ gods might be calling to you. Another possibility is that you had Egyptian ancestors that you might not know about. These are all things to consider. It might also be a possibility that we lived our own ancestors’ lives in the past.

In the end, it’s totally up to you!

It’s completely up to you what god and goddess you choose, as paganism is a liberating and personalized path to growth and connection with the divine. If you feel connected to your ancestors or a call from your ancestors, try incorporating your ancestors’ gods and goddesses into your practice. If you feel no connection but feel pulled towards another culture’s deities and practices, continue with this path but be careful to be respectful of another culture’s precious ancient beliefs as they are fragile in a world that’s been dominated by the Abrahamic religions for the past fifteen-hundred years or more.