#and maybe I'm close to finding my vocation and finding out what God wants me to do with my life

[syneilesis]

[fic] Impact Factor

Impact Factor

Love and Deepspace | Zayne (Li Shen) x Main-Character!Reader | G | 4k words | ao3 link

god, i'm so lovesick. what have you done to me? You tell Zayne that you're co-authoring a research paper. He finds himself wanting and waiting to read it.

A/N: For @seraphiism 's 2024 writing event. I chose Lovesick by Laufey. I know. Zayne? Lovesick? Lmao I don't know if I pulled it off, but I have to write for Zayne at least once.

I gave this fic a single, cursory proofread. Any mistake is still my fault. Divider by @/saradika

“By the way, a professor of mine in college reached out to me last week and asked me if I was interested in co-authoring an article with her on the phenomenology of vocation of the people working in Hunters Association.”

The clacking of the keyboard is crisp and loud in the silverlined office, accompanied by the low hum of the airconditioner. Zayne's attention remains on the computer, updating your status condition. He makes a brief noise to indicate that he's listening, and when he takes his gaze away from the desktop he finds you watching him with a faint grin on your face.

“Do you want me to guess your reply?”

That faint grin grows wide and whole.

“What do you think?”

Zayne leans back and rolls his chair a little farther, reaching out to turn on the printer. The machine whirls to life, chatters.

“You accepted the offer, of course.” He returns to his laptop and clicks on the print icon. “You don't have the heart to refuse your professor.”

“Dr. Zayne, you know me so well.”

Something in the way you said it compels him to turn to you again. Your expression hasn't changed, but the fall of your hair frames your slightly narrowed eyes that sparkle under the bright fluorescent light, like rare midday stars. It staggers the beats of Zayne's heart for two seconds, seizes his throat, and in that sliver of a moment Zayne forgets to breathe.

“Maybe it's because you're transparent,” he says, after retrieving the prescription from the printer. He hands you the paper, and surprise stretches your features. He clarifies: “Supplements. Undoubtedly you will need it when you begin your research.”

“Nothing less from my doctor.” My. The word is malleable around your mouth. And then: “I'm transparent? Is that a bad thing?”

“It's not a flaw.” He signs the healthcare forms you passed onto him. “But neither is it a virtue.”

“Hmm. Then, I guess I'll watch myself.”

His head jerks at your response, and Zayne has something to say to that—something like your not needing to be conscious of how open you are—but then your watch beeps and you apologize for the sudden departure.

Alone in his office, Zayne sinks into his chair and closes his eyes.

▼

That exchange, brief yet odd, lingers in Zayne's mind, like a stone at the base of his brain, next to the stem and cerebellum. He can feel its weight, its matter, solid and bothersome that at one point Greyson stops and asks him, “Are you okay, Dr. Zayne? You seem to be distracted today.”

A flash of memory; the word transparent, your answer. Were it not for the emergency mission, he would have hastened to add that transparency is closely associated with sincerity—and that is a virtue. He imagines a version of you as secretive as a glacier, as closed-off as a fortress, and the dissonance it invites rings discordant in the history between you—you who have always reached out to him first.

His hands itch for the phone that's secluded in one of his drawers, away from distraction, from memory. Zayne is, after all, duty first, the rest a distant second.

“It's nothing,” he tells Greyson. “I'm fine.”

“Maybe it's time for a vacation? You've been busy—busier than usual—lately.”

“I'll take a vacation at the end of the year. Right now, you're needed in the meeting room for a briefing.”

When Greyson clears the area, Zayne turns and sees Yvonne near the entrance of the lobby, studying him, her face arranged in a way that invites him to defend himself for some reason. But he resists the irrational urge.

He meets her scrutiny with a long and stoic gaze, and she shakes her head, wordless, then continues on with her work.

Left in the hallway, Zayne sighs and goes back to his office.

▼

“Dr. Zayne!”

Shapes of different colors coalesce into your reflection on the glass that displays the myriad cakes Zayne's been deliberating upon for the last fifteen minutes. The figure looms larger and larger, until it sidles up next to him and he straightens up, turning to his side.

“What a coincidence,” you continue with a glancing smile, hand on your chin as you survey the available pastries for purchase. “Are you buying desserts too?”

Earlier, Akso Hospital had a rare moment of slowness that allowed its personnel to indulge in a breather, which afforded Zayne to clock out on time. As a treat—and he will never admit this to anyone—he's stopped by the bakeshop on the way home, and to his surprise, here you are as well.

To your question he can only give a noncommittal sound; then to the cashier he points at the sea salt caramel vanilla slice that he's wanted to try for a while now. Both you and the cashier let out an intrigued Oh! before the purchase is processed at the register.

“Sea salt caramel vanilla,” you say with an evaluatory seriousness, “good choice.”

Zayne pinches the bridge of his nose.

“By the way, I've started on the research project. Been doing some preliminary reading since I don't want to disappoint my former professor. So far I'm doing well—the supplements are a great help!”

The supplements. He had an inkling that, as you are wont to do with every mission, you were rushing into this project with all your mind and body, tunnel-visioned, only the end goal visible in your sights. This unfortunately excludes concerns regarding your health, and Zayne is correct: all nighters and skipped meals, both of which erode the state of a person's health. When you are focused on something, that something takes the highest priority, and he can't always be with you all the time to remind you to take a break, or eat healthy food, or drink water. Which is why: supplements. They're not preventative, but at least they mitigate.

And it seems you're telling the truth: no tightness in your eyes and tautness in the shape of your mouth. In this case—in the case of your aspiration to conceal—you have not changed—or at least attempted to hold yourself back. Something in his chest loosens, smooths the tenseness out of his muscles that Zayne hasn't realized is there.

This is something to ponder, but not at the moment.

“I don't have to remind you that supplements are not substitutes for healthy food and proper sleep, do I?”

“Of course not! Even I know that.” But then your expression turns sheepish. “In practice, that's a little ...”

Zayne pinches the bridge of his nose again.

“But don't worry too much about me, Dr. Zayne! I'm taking care of myself just fine!”

“That doesn't instill much confidence.”

“How about this, then?” And you face him fully, a ready smile brimming with its own confidence and assurance, as radiant as an aurora. “If something happens, you will be the first person I'll turn to.”

At that Zayne pauses. The easy trust you bring between the both of you warms his neck, the back of it, climbing up, up, up to the tips of his ears and to his cheeks. He moves on to the cashier, his back on you.

“Try not to let that 'something' happen, but I know you're too stubborn to listen.”

A chuckle, and then: “I can't make any promises, but I'll try.”

This time, Zayne turns back.

“'Try' implies effort, so I am expecting effort.”

You snap a salute, grinning. “Got it, Doc!”

▼

The day after that, Zayne begins to read up on the subject of phenomenology.

▼

It won't be a couple of weeks until Zayne sees you again—but this time it's under the harsh hospital lights and the din of frantic footsteps and rolling wheels, the mixed scents of blood and antiseptic stinging his nose. A Wanderer surge disrupted the southern part of Linkon, and of the hunters dispatched you had been one of them.

Zayne glides around the moving bodies, steps never faltering until he finds you tucked in a corner, cradling your broken arm.

When his shadow falls upon your involuted frame, you lift your head and a rueful grin greets him. Your glass-sheen gaze doesn't escape his scrutiny.

He's wearing his white coat, and both of his hands retreat into its pockets, where he closes them into tight fists. If Zayne tilts his head a little more to the right, he can see a lengthy gash that lines along your temple and into your scalp, covered by your blood-crusted hair. He is painfully aware that this is part and parcel of your profession, the risk that endangers a hunter during a mission. A part of him is thankful that today it is only a broken arm and a couple of wounds. It could have been much worse, and Zayne refuses to imagine a scenario where you come into the hospital drained of vitality. A frustrated sigh threatens to spill out of him, but he endures, and just pointedly shoots you a disappointed look.

“So this is all the effort that you mentioned just amounted to.”

“To be fair I was doing well for a couple of hours until I had to rescue a civilian trapped in a damaged building.”

“That is commendable.” And he means it. But—“Follow that nurse with the brown clipboard. He's in charge of injuries like yours. Can you walk that far?”

Your uninjured hand braces against the wall and you pull yourself up, the motion not quite fluid but not a slow stagger either. Zayne would have assisted you, but it seems that you can do it on your own.

“It's my arm that's broken, not my legs.” A wincing smile, and you start to make your way forward. “I know that you have to take care of other people, Dr. Zayne, but thanks for checking up on me.”

Behind him, a nurse calls his name, a signal to go back to his work. There are other patients who need his attention more than you do, and overall you seem fine, still put together. A broken arm can heal over time, given proper medical care. And Zayne knows, intimately, that Akso does not lack for anything.

Still. It's not entirely on purpose, but Zayne calls your name.

“I—” he begins, as you slow down to wait for whatever he's going to say. His throat struggles, constricting and opening in subconscious reflex. “I'd still rather not worry about you like this.”

In and around the space between you and him, the hospital remains astir—shadows and silhouettes slipping in and out of Zayne's sight—until they give way to the blossoming smile on your face, eclipsing everything from the back to the fore, a pinpoint mark on the map.

Later, even as he tends to his patients, your smile persists in Zayne's mind, an afterimage that refuses to disappear behind his eyelids.

▼

Exactly one week after that incident, Zayne receives a bouquet of jasmines and a box of banana bread. Attached to it is a pristine white card with a line written: Don't forget to take care of yourself too!

The card stays in his breast pocket well beyond his working hours, right next to his beating heart.

▼

Days pass, weeks, months, and Zayne finds himself browsing through phenomenology journals during his break in the hopes of seeing your name in one of them. He knows that you'll tell him once it's published, but there's a part of him that clamors for the first touch of knowledge, the letters that make up your name woven in the glowing screen of his tablet.

At the same time, Greyson and Yvonne have bitten into their suspicions—whatever they are, Zayne refuses to ask—and swallowed the succulence as if it's a juicy truth. Often he sees Greyson glancing at him with a shadow of a smile, a quick sleight of hand that when Zayne fully faces him his expression is already ironed out and professional. Yvonne is no better: all glimmering eyes and knowing grins and incessant questions about his mood. Once, he asked the reason for the barrage of questions and Yvonne ignored the frost in his voice and tittered, telling him that sometimes in life, they have to combat the monotony with exciting things.

It worries him somewhat that you and Yvonne and even Greyson have been getting along quite well for a time now.

But your name still doesn't appear, and it doesn't seem to be appearing in the foreseeable future. Still Zayne searches, his fingers already making a habit of typing your name in the bar, his heart beating for a yes.

▼

At some point, he's asked about your progress.

“It's been going well,” you answer. “Professor made some comments about the part in my results and discussion, so I'm going to revise that. I think we can submit it by next month if we maintain the pace.”

After a thoughtful pause, you rest your arms on his desk, cushion your chin on them, and angle him a sly look.

“Are you offering to proofread my work, Dr. Zayne?”

“I may need a box of red pens for that.”

That jolts a laugh out of you, and you recover by sending a mock pout his way.

“I’ll have you know that I was a diligent writer in college! I won in essay writing competitions!”

“Is that so? Then I suppose your first foray in academic publishing will be a successful ‘accepted with minor revisions’ reply from the editor.”

“Of course! Oh, fine, fine. I won’t ask you to proofread the manuscript. You can just wait until it’s published.”

A small, genuine smile. “I’m looking forward to it.”

▼

Eventually, he receives a text that says, We finally submitted the article! Now we just have to wait 🫣

He excuses himself from a cluster of medical professionals talking about the latest breakthroughs in oncology and parks himself beside the long table of drinks. He texts back: Watch out for Reviewer #2. They’re always the culprit.

It takes a full ten minutes before you reply, and during that period of anticipation four individuals have come up to him and attempted to pull him into a conversation about his accomplishments and recent research—one even braving to entice him into applying to another hospital.

Zayne shakes them off as politely as he can (and to that one poacher he gives a cold and resolute no). When his phone beeps, he turns away and redirects his undivided attention to the screen. All your latest message contains is a single salute emoji and the single-word sentence Gotcha! A laugh startles out of him, which Yvonne—having developed an eagle eye for Zayne in the recent weeks—notices and she scurries over to Greyson, bowing their heads in hushed whispers, glancing at him every now and then.

He's realized what they'd been talking about whenever he's in their vicinity, and he's tempted to refute their assumptions and retaliate accordingly. But the stone-weight in his mind had transformed into a persistent itch that does not choose when it strikes. In most cases it's merely annoying, but on rare occasions it is, frankly, merciless. A good-night text echoes in his dreams, and Zayne wakes with a thick sweetness coating the inside of his mouth. A fleeting touch from your worried hand burns the skin of his arm, the heat seeping into the layers until it reaches the subcutaneous tissue, where it spreads all over his body through the veins. He has to evade your glare to hide the ruddiness of his cheeks. Capitulation is the only option he had to choose in the end, and the idea of surrendering to this melts away the reflexive inquiry of when and how and why—a trait he had to hone as a doctor and a researcher.

What else is left when all the signs are pointing to this one immutable conclusion? 

▼

On the day and hour your article is published Zayne is in the middle of a delicate surgery that takes him five hours and two hysterical family members of the patient—even with Evol involved. He emerges from the operating room with good news and exhausted-yet-relieved colleagues, Greyson's smile emerging from the doors the first indicator of a successful operation.

The patient's mother clings to him in tearful gratitude.

He orients the family on the next steps, and as he signs the healthcare forms he discovers a new slice of wound on the back of his hand, thin but lengthy. He has long since accepted that his hands, his arms, will forever be spattered with scars, and if that's the price he has to pay for saving lives, then it's of no consequence to him.

(Once, he had caught your gaze glued to his hands, so he snapped his fingers, startling you into looking at his face.

“What was that for?” you demanded.

“You're not paying attention.”

“I was just—” you bit your lip, torn. A pause, then: “Did they hurt—each one of them?”

He glanced down and studied each scar. Too many, you'd probably think. But not once had they bothered him.

“I never even noticed them in the first place, so no.”

“Okay.” Your eyes were crystal glass and the deep breath you took was stuttering in all its inelegance. “Okay.”)

A sliver of a break provides him the opportunity to sink into reprieve, and his hand gropes for his phone on the desk, peeking out under a sheaf of documents that he has to fill out later.

A cursory look at the screen, and then Zayne is leaping for the computer.

The research article you and your professor had written is kept behind a paywall. Zayne spares a moment to shut his eyes in irritation. He's fortunate that his university library account is still active, so he utilizes that privilege to gain access to the article’s full version, made available by the university’s database.

When the file loads, he syncs it to his tablet, after which he leans back on the chair and settles to read. He can locate which parts you had a hand in writing, and the parts where your style comes out. It isn't his field, but he has read enough to venture that the insights of this paper are valuable. Unwittingly, a proud smile surfaces on his lips.

At the end of the article, in the acknowledgment section, something is curiously written:

The co-author is grateful for the moral and medical support of Akso Hospital's Dr. Zayne. Dr. Zayne, would you like to have dinner with me? As a date. Yes, I'm asking you out.

Zayne’s mind blanks out and the itch returns, scrabbling at the walls of his skull, loud and frenetic and overwhelming all his senses. His entire body warms and the sensation of crawling needles prickle at his skin. Everything is white noise; his heart threatens to jump out of his ribcage. He gets the ridiculous thought that he can't perform a surgery on himself.

The next thing he knows, he's driving his car at the same time dialing your number. The car speakers amplify the ringing tone once his phone is attached to the dashboard. Both his hands tightly grip the steering wheel.

When the call connects, he opens with “What would you do if I hadn't read your article?”

He can practically hear the smile in your voice; it resounds around the car interior. “That's not an option, Dr. Zayne. You would have definitely read the article.”

Laughter bubbles up inside him; he tamps it down. “Confident now, are we?”

“Of course!” A pause; a shuffle of feet. You must be heading to another room. “I hear car engine, where are you now?”

“On the way to your apartment.”

“Wait, don't—go to this restaurant instead. I'll text you the address. I have it all reserved and ready.”

He blinks once, twice, surprise slackening the muscles on his face. “... You haven't even heard my answer yet.”

“You can tell me at the restaurant. And then we'll celebrate with excellent food, excellent wine, and scrumptious desserts.”

“You sound so certain about receiving a positive response.”

“I'm optimistic that way, Dr. Zayne. I'm heading out now—I'll see you in a bit!”

You hang up, and the speakers beep into silence. Two seconds later Zayne presses the hazard switch. The car slows down and then comes to a halt on the side of the road. Other vehicles zoom past him. Without the need to drive, Zayne can finally give in to the urge to exhale aloud and let out a brief yet astounded laugh, forehead pressing against the leather smoothness of the steering wheel.

You've always been transparent. But Zayne has made the crucial mistake of neglecting the fact that you are also clever. If this were a competition, you've already won.

▼

You're already at the restaurant when he arrives, sat on the corner facing the floor-to-ceiling windows, the shifting lights outside dancing over your serene profile. Your elbows rest on the table, where everything is already set up except the food. A vase of red roses at the center completes the picturesque scene.

You lift your head and welcome him with a triumphant grin once he's a few steps away. And when he settles on the chair opposite you, you lean forward and stare at him expectantly.

“You could have asked like a normal person,” Zayne begins.

“I could have,” you agree, nodding, “but I like it this way. I like to get closer to you through the things you do.”

Another moment of Zayne getting caught off-center: the warmth flushing outward from the core of his body like vibrant ink on clean, clear water. He has to lower his gaze from the sheer brilliance of your certainty, the way your patience and care have allowed this moment between the two of you, something that he has never imagined culminating like this: two people sitting opposite each other, in this softly lit restaurant while the world bursts into festive lights outside it. The tender way your hand moves across the table, stopping right before the flower vase, as if affording him the liberty to arrive at a decision Zayne has already made, many, many months (years) ago, just buried under the strata of responsibilities, boundaries, and improbabilities.

Never the when, never the how, never the why. It is, only, sublimely, this.

Zayne sighs with a rueful shake of his head. “It's not yet too late—maybe I should answer by publishing my own research article.” But the hand meeting yours belies his words.

Your smile: pleased, pleasure, like the sun emerging from the winter sky.

He's too occupied with the touch of your hand and the radiance of your expression that Zayne misses the throwaway comment that tumbles past his lips:

“If we're talking about getting closer through doing the things the other does, then I suppose I should propose to you when we're in the middle of a Wanderer invasion.”

And then he realizes what he just said.

Zayne whips his head up, heart in throat, and scrambles for an excuse. “What I meant was—”

“Getting ahead of ourselves now, are we?” Your face is pure indulgence, pure bliss. Your hand squeezes his, not letting go. “Don't worry, Dr. Zayne; I'm looking forward to it.”

And that lustrous smile, sustained. Zayne relaxes and you release him to clap your hands together, delighted.

“Now then! Shall we have our dinner?”

▼

(You have, indeed, delivered in all aspects: excellent food, excellent wine, and scrumptious desserts.)

[soracities]

God I had such a wonderful literature teacher in high school. It pains me to admit that I spent most of his classes either sleeping or daydreaming about death and other equally depressing subjects. I remember thinking even then, I used to like books. Why can't I get myself through this readings why are all of these poems so lifeless to me? And like the rest of my classmates I just googled the Spanish equivalent for SparkNotes for all the readings and got a 10 in every exam. Now I find myself seeking out those same poems and sonnets and books and wishing I could turn back in time to actually listen to this passionate guy who had been all over Europe and knew 5 languages and lived so much and was so specific about which translation to get for every poem and have strong opinions about 10 other translations. I just want to grab my past self and shake them hard and scream "WAKE UP!!!!!! This thing you're ignoring right now will be the only spark of hope and joy you will find in your 20s please it's can save your life NOW if you manage to open your eyes and ears for a little bit"

Now I'm getting a degree in english, and I'm an auxiliary teacher at a primary school and it really feels a bit depressing to know that sometimes not even a great, passionate and talented teacher can make someone with an underlying interest in the subject actually pay attention and enjoy a high school class. Or maybe I was just an idiot and it's a me problem. Or maybe literature is meant to pass you by the first time around and make you go and get it out of your own will at your own time.

I think there's definitely something to be said for finding the right literature at the right time, absolutely--but I also think the fact that you still remember this teacher and the incredible passion and attentiveness he brought to those classes, that you are holding this recognition close to you now, even if you weren't able to give it the attention you wish you had at the time, counts for something, too 💕 in spite of everything something of his teaching still remained with you, even if it's being appreciated after the fact, and I think that, for most teachers, that impact alone means a great deal! Maybe you didn't appreciate the class itself, but you are appreciating the poems and those outlive every classroom and what greater influence is there than that? (And sometimes it's not even the subject itself that remains with you, but the actual teacher. I had an incredible English teacher also, but I know the impact she left on some of my friends had little to do with the poems and plays and everything to do with who she was as a person, and this is, I think, one of the most important things that come from a marvellous teacher)

I don't think you were an idiot at all--I think that whatever you were going through at the time must have been so immense, and as frustrating as it is to look back and wish you could have managed things differently, I think it's so important to allow yourself some grace for the fact that who you are now, looking back, and who you were then, are two different people--some circumstances, I think, are beyond a pupil and a teacher's control but we do the best we can with what we have, and what you have now, and what you had back then, probably look very, very different. Have you ever considered reaching out to your former literature teacher? Writing a letter or an email to let him now what you feel about his classes now, being older, and what this recognition means to you?

I think it's amazing that you are where you are now, with the passion you have now, and also with the awareness, even if you couldn't appreciate it at that time, of what a passionate teacher can bring because it will help make you a more attentive and better teacher as a result. I think teaching is one of those vocations you need to love with your entire being and if you can bring that love and that attentiveness with you to the best of your ability at any given time, then this counts for something, even if not immediately in the classroom itself 💕

[dany36]

the deed is done! after 84 hours, finally got through the true ending in dragon's dogma 2. as a new dragon's dogma fan, i gotta say...what an amazing game, loved almost every minute of it, and despite its many flaws, it's in my top favorite games for sure now that i saw the ending mostly did not disappoint and had some time now to think about it. there's been a few other open world games where i've spent 60+ hours playing them only for me to realize that wow, i did not have a good time at all with this and don't ever want to touch them again, but dd2 is definitely not of them. i honestly can't remember the last game i played that just had such a fucking grip on me, maybe horizon zero dawn which is like in my ultimate games ever: if i wasn't playing dd2, i was thinking of what i was going to do once the weekend came around and i'd be able to play it again. in fact, i was thinking of going back to granblue fantasy relink after this but i think i'm just gonna have to do ng+ to get some of the quests i missed + increase my pawn affinity (yes i know i'm a bad arisen lol).

i think i saw someone else say that it's hard to explain why they love this game because my god it has its flaws, but i'm gonna try to explain in my usual long-ass junk thoughts below, with endgame spoilers:

ok first of all, the gameplay and the vocations. holy shit. not gonna lie, i was at first a bit intimidated by this game because it seemed elden ring-ish and that game never really got my attention because of people saying how hard it is etc so i just never bothered to play it. it took a bit for me to get the hang of dd2's gameplay because i mostly just stick to jrpgs like tales, xenoblade or games like horizon, tomb raider which...aren't really hard games at all? so personally this was a pretty big switch for me. even if at first i was getting beat up by simple goblins, i was enjoying the hell out of it. i stuck with fighter for like...the first 45ish hours because i like being at the front of the fights and the use of the shield provided me a way to defend myself from attacks since there isn't really a dodge button here so it's what made me feel most comfortable. but man, exploring the other vocations and Seeing Number Go Up to maxing out your discipline in them is probably what kept the gameplay so fresh for me even though i pretty much went through the overworld twice: once normally, then another time when i realized i was close to the "first" ending and i was like oh shit better go back and do everything else that i might have missed.

but yeah, pretty much of the four vocations that i tried (fighter, archer, magick archer, mystic spearhand), the gameplay just felt so fluid and fun even when i was fighting my 10th griffin or my umpteenth goblin swarm. finding different ways to fight off enemies even as i was towards the end of the game is probably what made me not feel so bored with it. like, i remember i had just switched to MS and i ran into a drake, so even though i had defeated one as an archer and another time as a mystick archer, going against this one as a mystic spearhand felt like a new experience since i obviously couldn't do the same type of attacks i had done before! really glad i got out of my comfort zone of just sticking with fighter to explore some of the other vocations.

and speaking of the gameplay, i absolutely loved the pawn system. being able to have your own customizable companion that follows you along your journey and is loyal to you no matter what is just such a great concept, and on top of that, you get to also form bonds with other people's pawns as you're forming your own party! i'd get so sad when i'd have to dismiss a pawn that i had been traveling with for weeks in-game, and even more so that when i tried to rehire them, they completely changed vocations so i couldn't get them to rejoin my party since they were no longer what i'm looking for :( also, i had been wondering how people were getting their pawns to blush with them, which i mean for mine i didn't really mind because my main pawn was male and it seemed like some people wanted their pawns to be romanceable so i was like eh that's fine, that's not what i'm going for. HOWEVER it looks like if your pawn affinity is high enough, you get a slightly different speech from your pawn at the end when they help you kill the dragon! so that's also a really neat detail that the developers added, so i'm for sure gonna go for that since oof, when my main pawn was delivering his speech at the end....it was breaking my heart but i was so happy for him that he had gained some free will of his own, so hell yeah i wanna see what other things he says at the end with a high enough affinity!

the overworld exploration. ok, i don't know what it is about this overworld that made exploring every single corner and (almost) every single cave a joy to explore. having played botw/totk i hated the overworld so much because of how empty and unrewarding it felt, and how repetitive the caves got. i'm not saying that dd2's overworld is perfect, but seeing a golden trove beetle stuck to a tree of a ledge or finding a ferrystone at the end of a cave felt more rewarding than whatever the hell totk tried to do. i will say though that towards the end it was a bit disappointing how the treasure chests with weapons were containing equipment that was weaker than i already had, but i mean, considering i went through the overworld twice, i think that one is on me. i know some people complain how..."narrow" or "restricted" the exploration feels sometimes because at times you're just walking down a path and there's just huge cliffs on either side of you so you don't really get like to see an expansive view of the overworld, but honestly that never really crossed my mind. i actually didn't discover the elves' home until towards the game, even as i was making my way to it, i was just looking around taking in my surroundings because of how new and fresh it felt to me.

sidequests!!! ok this is another thing i've heard people complain about and how "shallow" they seem and i'm like....excuse me? did we play the same sidequests??? sidequests are like one of the things i love the most about any game (huge xenoblade x fan where the sidequests make the most content of the game), so having come from playing big games like granblue fantasy relink, botw/totk, xenoblade 2&3 where the sidequests are just soooo fucking boring, they make no attempt at getting me to care about the NPCs involved, have no interesting sidestories, or are just boring fetch quests, dd2's sidequests were a breath of fresh air.

like, are the people complaining about the sidequests just not care about daphne being abandoned as a child and now living in the slums but she actually has a twin rich brother (oh and seeing the maid that brought this all up now in the slums because she was fired for it?? oof!!), that one nun that was poisoning her patients at the giving hand under the guise of helping them, saving dorieann and then helping her save the sacred arbor (i'm sad i left this sidequest for last!), ulrika being fucking chased out of her village and being unjustly blamed for the dragon attacks (this part pissed me off soooo much and i was so happy to go back and kick all of their asses!!!), pawns being sold off to battahl via some weird human trafficking oxcart, helping hugo lead a more honest life after being imprisoned for having been part of that one desert gang, OH that one girl that wanted to learn magic and then loses control and almost kills her fucking grandma?? WILHELMINA'S SIDEQUEST??? (honestly one of my favorite sidequests in a game ever tbh, that end reveal was just too damn good) I mean i can go on and on!! SURE not all sidequests are winners and some are more shallow than others, but i'll be damned if the majority of these sidequests didn't have me invested in the NPCs and i'd be devastated if i were to mess them up somehow. so yeah, i mean i can maybe see them complaining that some characters' sidequests should have been more developed, but i think that takes me to my next point...

the story. i gotta say, the first part of the game's story just had me hooked and i couldn't wait to see what was going to happen. the whole thing with disa's plot and the false arisen and you trying to uncover the truth with captain brant's help so you could take your rightful place as the sovran, like...i was invested! but then like many people rightfully complain, once the coronation happens and you get to battahl, all of this kind of....falls off?? like it doesn't really matter anymore idk? i was so shocked when i opened that one door that phaseus goes through and the pathfinder was like "oh yeah go here and that's where you'll find your journey's end" i was like no way! over so soon? i mean, again, as an xcx fan, i'm fine with like, stories being interesting enough that keep you engaged but are not fully fleshed out, the gameplay and the sidequests in dd2 were enough to keep me playing. but like, it's kind of weird that nadinia takes like, a third of the game's coverart and i felt like we barely got to know her or that she was relevant enough for the story?? there were like what, two sidequests she was involved? the one where you find out who is trying to kill her, and then when you are guiding her in vernworth. i just loved her design and i was looking forward to seeing how else she would fit in all of this. same with ulrika, after you finish her sidequest, for someone i thought was going to be more important to the story, she really does disappear after you make her the chief of harve village. hell, apparently her whole quest is missable if you don't go back to melve to help out with the dragon fight! so i mean, yeah there's a lot of characters and story plots that i feel could have been more fleshed out, and the whole world lore didn't really click in for me until i got to....

the ending and the postgame world. man, that really made sense on how or why the pathfinder was able to change ambrosia's mind about handing over the godsbane sword so quickly. i was so confused by that and it honestly annoyed me cus i was like, what the hell, are the developers that lazy?? but no!! turns out we were just all characters in the pathfinder's little fan fiction world where everyone had a specific role and path to play in his little game!!!! fuck!!!! rothais my guy!!! this honestly just blew me away, no wonder all his victories and accomplishments felt empty after finding this out!! it was all a game to the pathfinder! defeating the dragon and becoming the sovran would have been a meaningless victory! i fucking LOVED how the pathfinder takes you back to your battle with the dragon to make you realize hey, you're stuck in a loop unless you do something different, which the dragon alludes to when you take too long to figure it out and he says "you're too late...!" and the fight begins again. damn, i just, love it when games do shit like this. i have to admit i had to look up what i had to do after fighting the dragon twice. i knew i had to do something while flying with the dragon because of the heartbeat, but i had completely forgotten i had the godsbane still with me (and thought it was weird how it only highlighted the item menu!).

and like the whole feeling of being in the postgame world just took me back to my majora's mask days, and i fucking loved it. the world is ending and you have to evacuate everyone from the major towns you've visited, and apparently you only have a limited time to get it done because the fog will slowly consume the towns if you rest for too long. and talking to some of the people trying to get them to evacuate as they're still going about their daily lives and they're like, no, i refuse to, let the world end i don't care!! so majora's mask, amazing. really liked the one where henrique didn't want to evacuate until you saved the enslaved pawns as well....ugh so good! apparently once you defeat the last dragon from the beams, the fog will no longer advance and you can explore the unmoored world freely, but honestly, since i had already gone through the overworld twice, i had no intention of grinding my equipment and trying to get "the best gear" because honestly, some of that endgame gear is kind of ugly lol.

really enjoyed the new dragon boss fights at the end though because being at lv 60 even without all of my gear leveled up or dragonforged, the giant bosses or the drakes weren't really as threatening as before and these new ones gave me something more challenging and interesting again! and don't get me started on how badass it was to see my pawn overtake the talos and kill a dragon for me...that moment really had me with my mouth agape and just made me go "wow, this game is amazing" for the nth time. i think in ng+ once i get to the unmoored world, now that i know that the timer kind of stops with the last dragon defeated, i'll explore a bit more and see how much tougher the new enemy varieties are. :)

one thing i didn't like though and i think it goes back to my story complaints from before is that like, ok you have to evacuate all of the leaders you've interacted with. i immediately warped to harve after talking with rothais because i was like ok ulrika my girl, let's get you and your people the hell out of here, do you not see the sky!! but....no...? she's supposedly one of the major romanceable characters but there's no quest to evacuate her and her people so...i guess just forget about the harve village? hello? she IS technically a leader so i don't know why this just wasn't a choice. oh wait, i guess because her whole sidequest is missable so they didn't want to make the true ending missable in case you couldn't evacuate harve...? ahhh who knows. but this really annoyed me lol.

also, not sure why everyone is saying or concluding that both the arisen and your pawn are dead as part of the true ending. i mean, ok, whatever, i'm used to bittersweet endings and i don't know enough about the dragon's dogma games lore to know more, but honestly i'm choosing to believe that my character and her pawn got washed up in a remote island but will come back and hence why your highest affinity character is looking off at the ocean :) or am i thinking about xcx again... either way, that ending cutscene of the old man sailing out seemed like dlc teaser or something so we'll see what comes out!

alright this is getting kinda long so just gonna finish it off with a couple of other things i didn't like about the game:

the music?? i mean, coming from gbf relink which has such a banger soundtrack, not sure there is much to say from the music department in dd2. the main theme though? fucking amazing. i get so pumped up when it plays when you choose the game in the ps5 main screen or in the proper title screen, and i even got a little teary eyed at the ending theme. but honestly, nothing much else to be impressed here. i might change my mind once i give the ost a proper listen but yeah, just some initial thoughts.

enemy variety. took me a while to notice but, for such a big overworld and where the world is just so dense with enemies, the enemy variety in this game is.....not so great. i think i saw someone say that there are like 26 enemies in total? with goblins, wolves, harpies, saurians, and bandits being the most common that you'll encounter during your travels. it really is annoying when you're trying to get from one place to another and you just keep getting ganged up by mobs that really will just not let up on you even if you run away from them. and apparently there weren't really any new enemies coming from dd1/da so...it's really baffling

the fast travel. with how much back and forth some of these quests require you do, people's complaints about the fast travel options in this game are valid. i wish they would give you an eternal ferrystone as part of the ng+ cus yeah, oxcarts aren't foolproof from being destroyed by enemies that attack you on your way to your destination, and honestly i'm glad i saved my ferrystones for the postgame world because i just was NOT going to be walking about everywhere in the unmoored world or w/e. i really do wonder how much time from my 84 hours was just spent walking to and from destinations. i read this comment elsewhere but this game really doesn't respect your time as a player so i'm glad i got to play a big part of it during my week off work.

romanceable companions. look, as a lesbian i can't complain that the two major romanceable companions are both women, but i do feel bad for people who wanted to romance captain brant or literally any other male NPC and have more fleshed out romance scenes like we got for ulrika and wilhelmina. even so, i mean, it really does suck that the game makes this choice not matter in the end? i got both ulrika's and wilhelmina's romance scenes and after wilhelmina disappears i was going for ulrika, but in the end neither of them ended up being my highest affinity character and instead i have gywndlr of all people looking out to the ocean in the ending cutscene. and that's really it i mean, your highest affinity character has no bearing whatsoever in the story except if they're there clutched by the dragon's hand and the ocean scene. i mean, not to talk about an early 2000s game, but tales of symphonia did such an amazing job with its affinity system that i still have not played another game that takes your choice for your highest affinity character matter so much in the main story plot. (haven't played bg3 so please don't come after me--although if you made it this far then thank you i guess???) so, while yes the ulrika/wilhelmina scenes are cool, the concept of romanceable/high affinity characters just felt underwhelming when compared to a 20 year old game.

whew!!! ok i didn't except this to be so long but considering how, yes despite all of the flaws regarding the enemies and the fast traveling and the overworld and the affinity system and the story and underused plot points and seemingly rushed content....i still fucking love this game and can't wait to do a ng+ run of it and just catch all of the references that i missed (at the very beginning the dragon already spells it out that you need to like kill your soul and body to break the curse and reveal the true world....love it!!!). i don't know if i'll ever play dd1/da considering i've heard people say that the gameplay is a bit rougher and the pawns not as....great?? idk but for now i can't wait to do some fanart of this game and will look forward to any updates/dlc that capcom releases for it. <3

[kpmeat]

indiana as a state should never have existed etc etc death to america etc etc as a state it has its problems, especially so as a deeply conservative one, and all nationalism is bad. the klan was reborn here. there are still sundown towns if you look for them. there's so much that's unsalvageable and i've spent forever finding new ways to hate it.

and here are some things i love about the place and people i'm from here's what i'd want to save if i could get rid of the rest, here's what i'd want to share with everybody else. fuck the state obviously. with no borders here's what i'd hope would be left.

can we talk about the vocational school network? can we talk about the fact i graduated with a tech school certification. can we talk about the workboots and dusty jeans and flannels, not a cowboy hat in sight unless you're working, just plenty of found and handmedown ballcaps. beater trucks and calluses. all i need are steel toed boots because theyre versatile and i can't afford much else. oilstained carharts over greasy flannels dry with dust, cigarettes in the pocket. bad teeth are a fact of life and we've got more to worry about than aesthetics. city people care so much about the things that don't matter, they've never felt small looking out at miles of dead fields after harvest.

oh, mobile homes with the carpet stapled to plywood-thin floors, houses so cozy with tires on the roof and around the skirt lest some poor animal crawl in and die there. winter seeps in through the cracks between wall and window but we're warm under blankets with the central heat doing its best, blowing dust into the rest of the house and into our lungs. look outside at the right angle and see the white void of snow on sky. at night it's pitch black with white stars falling toward you, caught in the headlights of your shitty chilly car barreling down country roads at fifteen over. the wind blows the snow over roads and stokes potholes that'll need chipped-and-sealed next spring. crumpled beer cans in ditches overgrown with weeds that might be the state's, might be the county's, or maybe the farmer's responsibility. old roads covered in leaves.

summer? the sunsets are painted on. the sky is big and close but won't eat you, it doesn't see you, you're small. the rest of the world is passing you by but it's far enough away that you don't have to feel the pain of it. your hometown will be thirty or fifty years behind forever, for better or worse. jeet yet? i'm fixin to go to krogers, i'll picky up some ground chuck. uncle carl's brought us some deer jerky. oh it's real nice. pete's sakes. i miss hearing my grandparents talk so badly that i don't mind anymore when it bleeds out around the edges of my best city voice and pools in the R's on the roof of my mouth.

drive twenty minutes out of town and find a spot to sit in the bed of the truck and listen. hear the cardinals and red-winged blackbirds. feel the windburn on your face and your hands drying out. it's cold and humid. in the summer hear the cicadas in the sycamores and the frogs in flooded fields singing praise in the purple after-sunset. you'll never feel closer to god than you will out here. you're small and young forever, and while this part of the world will move on just like the city will, the indiana dirt will welcome you back just as well as it accepts the people who've never set foot outside the county.

i love you. watch for deer. call and let me know when you get home safe.

hellenic god of indiana would be hephaestus 100% and that's not just becuase that's my patron even though mostly yes it is

[mtnkat3]

8.36am

DOne my Love/s... I don't know why things have happened this way, but know... I love You DOne. I cannot give up on that. Not unless You want me to. If my efforts are not what You want... then may I ask... what changed...??? Or... You did want me to find You...??? But I couldn't find You ... why is that though... why couldn't I... because the only thing I did I regret was not getting out of the room enough. Kinda a baby step thing though Ya know...? Even going out on the beach, going out to the walmart & gas was a step for me. After years of being controlled... I have gone out for myself. And being a shy, quiet, chubby woman anyways... which I will be getting off. But. Is that what it was DOne? You didn't like what You saw even though You already knew? I just don't understand that. Because I don't think it's true. I believe that You, DPOne, & Alll love me for who I am, not the shell I've worn. Seee, I came to a realization. God put the weight on me after I met --, because He wanted me to be protected because God knew -- didn't love nor want me. Just a malleable/softhearted/marshmallow/cinnabon/innocent/naive/gullible woman to control. So. Once I get my half packed up, find a place to stay, an suv & back to a vocational school... & start my weight loss plan... will that prove to You Alll... that I am serious? That this trip wasn't just a lark for me. I'm not here for fun & games. I came here DOne because I love You, miss You, want You, want to be with You for life. "She's the kinda girl you fall in love with &marry." What I was once told as a brush off. I do understand that You came here with family to relax & have fun. And I pray & hope that You all have! But I also felt like You wanted me here too But maybe I needed those headlights to be brighter... than even mine... seee my Love/s DOne, I'd have been in the pool everyday. I'm just not good with crowds. Bowed. I'm used to going places where I basically have the pool to myself, I can do laps, even practice/work on my startle reflex [too many near drownings.] So I can stop holding my dang nose underwater! I hate that crap! I've even written one of my "healings" that You/Alll help me. Blushing beet red. 💡🤓🤔 is that what You want me to be doing my Love/s? Venturing out, being friendly, putting myself out there? But You Alll know I'm a quiet, reserved, shy woman who tends to being a loner right? I really only want to be around You Alll, our family, friends & the community of people we build. But this was a good lesson for me? To push myself beyond my boundaries...? I think I'm shivering from this I sight more than the sunburn. Yes, I'm a splotchy looking lobster. Even the tops of my hands, face & neck got burned. I didn't get the sunscreen on well enough. Needed a bottle with me. Sigh. I can only stand my rings on right now. They are about You Alll & my vows to each of You/Alll. DOne. my Love/s. I will keep making the effort with You. Until God takes me Home, or You tell me differently. I don't know if You're already checked out & flying already. [Which has had me sobbing & fracturing me. Waking ... how can I eat or sleep when You DOne my Love/s are went with me???] I will do whatever it takes to prove to each of You Alll DOne, DPOne, & Alll that I LOVE YOU/ALLL BEYOND MEASURE. Even driving all over the world, sacrificing my dignity... & getting sunburned. I'll do even more... if that's what You Alll ask of me. Humbly bowed. Scared. Trembling & shivering. And missing You/Alll so badly that I wanna let Tijgeress wail & moan so plaintively loud that You/Alll hear me loud & clear!!!

Yes DOne, DPOne, & Alll...

I miss each of You/Alll.

I have missed You Alll since the disappearance. I have missed You Alll since I messed up in 20 & got quiet because I don't do good at puzzles missing key pieces. And I am missing You Alll now. When I'm as physically close to You/Alll that I've ever been & I didn't get something right & I am about to lose my shit at that thought!!! I am flipping out DOne because I love You, miss You & keep missing things You need me to see & just feel like banging my head against the wall for being a dolt!!!

I have never stopped missing You/Alll!!!

I thought it was obvious though???

But evidently not. Tilting head. Chewing lips. Sigh. Yep. Give me a castle wall to bang my head on. Maybe I'll get some more cracks/fissures & maybe some light of God & You/Alll will pour in & I'll get it right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok. Its 9.40am. I need to shower & pack up before 11am check out. Stop blabbering. Just...

I love You DOne. DPOne. &Alll.

I miss You/Alll.

I don't wanna lose my soul's precious beloved priceless treasure Alpha/s Warrior/s Mate/s!

Whimpering. So hard to close this!

DOne & all... please be safe if You are indeed already traveling!!!

I love You DOne. I miss You.

And I'm beyond angry at myself for not getting Your clues right...

Ok.

I love You/Alll.

DPOne... I've already booked from same chain in Your area... I'm coming my Love/s...

Bowed. Humble. Confused. Scared. Praying. Holding my chin up. Trying so hard to be good for You/Alll!!! Trembling. Wobbly lip. Teary.

I love You/Alll.

MISS YOU/ALLL!!!

I am Your's/s'.

DOne, DPOne, & Alll.

🔱💖🐻💓🦌💝⚜♠️🗝🧩♾⚓🙏🙇‍♀️🦉🐢🐛🦋🌱🌺🌻🌹🌷🌳🧶🧵🔆🌠⚡🌂🔗⚙⚒🛠🗽☔💡🤓🤔🛰☎️🎯🌎🧭🚀🕯🎶💋

Sa.8.13.2022 9.57am