#and mainly cause im just really tired and was literally in the middle of our sleep cycle ughhhhhhh

[ryoki-ph]

ouuugh boy. psychotic episode. and unfortunately Symptoms of sometimes. was just doign so fucking good. ooough boy.

[fr-aoi0303]

I understand when people get pissed off about self-dxers because in the end of the day a lot of people don’t really understand well mental illnesses but i feel this mainly applies to younger folks who impulsively thing “oh maybe i have ocd” just because theyve been washing their hands a lot during the pandemic. I understand that! I understand why you get pissy!

However it’s not a universal thing, I’ve had people get angry at me because i self dx’d with BPD but you see, here’s the thing: I’m 23 years old who has been considering this for over 10 years. Ever since I was in middle school I knew there was something that wasn’t wired correctly in my brain. I didn’t know what and I was definitely too young to self-dx by then but when you are 10 years researching information abt what mental illness causes you to act out this wayand finally find something that makes you click and really start analyzing everything you’ve done up till now, I can’t really deny the fact that I have BPD at this point. You also have to take in consideration our resources, a lot of us self-dxers come from either abusive household or poor households, we can’t AFFORD to pay to get diagnosed. In my case, my mother is very very against mental illnesses (yeah.... apparently that’s a thing) and I know for a fact that if she had concrete proof that I had BPD I fear she might kick me out “because of fear that I would do something”.

Self-dxing wasnt because “oh yanderes have bpd, i want it too hehehoho now im oppressed” it’s a genuine thing that has been ruining my life to the point no one even trusts me anymore, the only friends that even like me are either too recent to know how I really am or too distant to have witnessed it. I have literally ruined my life multiple times and have ruined the trust of people around me all thanks to my dumb fucking mental illness. And people still think people who self-dx like me are just trying to like their oppression fantasy when that’s not true. If I could take that part of me out of my brain I would. I’m tired that my emotional state relies entirely on the emotional state of whoever talks to me the most and I’m tired of constantly shitting on my friends, calling them names and purposely ruining out friendships. I do NOT want BPD.

[letstalksymphogear]

Symphogear, EP.7 (Cont.)

“i have not now, nor ever, liked this creepy ass church elevator.”

“kanade please get out of my head, just because im hungry doesnt mean you have to tell me every time i am”

Hibiki finishes getting a full body X-ray. She’s fine.

“that anime protagonist immunity is really kicking in well!”

“by the way, your wife is here! and she’s looking mighty miffed., as opposed to me, mighty milfed.”

“you dont strike me as a mother figure but ill play along for now”

“i just hope miku’s okay...”

“oh, she’ll be fine! see, i’ve seen these kinds of plots before. big secret revealed, another lover is shown, the victim watches as they’re thoroughly cheated on, and they get to lik-”

“please stop breathing”

Genjuro’s wasting away again in Margaritaville. Looking for some daughter to adopt. SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT THERE’S A, WOOOOMAAAAAN TO BLAAAAAAAAAAME, BUT HE KNOWS

XYLOPHONE RIFF

THAT’S IT’S ALL HIS FAULT

XYLOPHONE RIFF

“i hate it when he gets like this. jimmy buffets not a good look for him.”

“for once you and i agree. seeing the commander sulk like this like a middle aged perma-tourist is genuinely miserable”

“hey homies! im back and i brought some bitches! oh, jesus, why does this place smell like mistakes in miami?”

“its me. im sorry. every time i feel like i failed as a dad, my anti-dad energies manifest. imagine every midlife crisis rolled up into a single ball, smacked into the face for eternity. thats the depth of my pain for failing this girl.”

In a moment of positivity, the friendship between Tsubasa and Hibiki is cemented.

> Tsubasa has joined the party.

“FRIENDSHIP!”

“fweindship.”

“uuuuhhhhh... dadship? yeah thats close enough.”

“WE’RE ALL GOOD FRIENDS!”

“ya tiddies are ringing again, better go get it”

Ryoko also points out that Hibiki’s relic is fusing with herself at an alarming rate. This is important to keep in mind.

Meanwhile, at night.

Miku is posing in the motherly “you done fucked up, where have you been young lady” position. A cold scolding is coming.

“.........................hey miku......”

“you can come in. are you worried im gonna bite? you suplexed a car. that shouldn’t be an issue anymore.”

“miku, i.... i wanted to tell you.... but.... the plot wouldn’t let me, miku....”

“should’ve told the plot to fuck off anyway. now you’re gonna live with that. you’re sleeping... on the bottom bunk.”

“b.... b..... b...... b.... b...... bottom bunk...?”

They slept separately that night. God, this is so stupid. All of this is so goddamned stupid. “I’m so mad at you even though you saved my life.” This is just so. AUGH. THIS IS DUMB. KANEKO WRITE BETTER ANGST THAT MAKES SENSE THAT ISN’T THIS.

Meanwhile, far away from this garbage...

Chris, having been evicted from Fine’s McMansion, wanders the streets of mumblemumble aimlessly. Don’t be fooled by her new fancy dress. Basically, she’s a combat-competent hobo.

“no food. no home. no victories. this sucks. whyd you do it, fine? we coulda been great together. but no. ya fired me. now i look like im prancing the red light district with a highly advanced superweapon around my neck.”

“no... hibiki’s to blame. ever since that genderbent little mac showed up to fight me, it’s been all downhill. fine thought me a laughstock because i couldnt take out her oversized boxing gloves, and now she beat me while i had nehushtan. god... i wish i never met that damn hamster faced chubby cheeked nerd.”

“wait, whats that crying”

Chris spies two kids talking to each other, one of them crying. Chris immediately makes an assumption, believing the big bro is bullying his sis.

“hey! stop nicking her lunch money, twerp”

Chris currently is a firm believer of corporeal punishment.

But the sister deflects the blow. Chris can’t even defeat children right now. Truly, this is a record low for her. You know you blew it when even kids are schooling you on basic morality. She then tells the little girl to stop crying, ironically mirroring her brother.

The infamous double T-Pose maneuver. Chris, you might as well get a shovel and start digging your own grave.

“i keep doing bad things badly, and now im doing good things badly... when fine said i was bad... did she just mean im not talented?”

Chris, finally, does a good thing and helps these kids find their parents.

“yeah. hibiki saved a kid when she got her gear. guess what? bam! im saving two! that’s fifty percent more kid per kid saved. take that, weirdo.”

The kids call her out on Chris singing unconsciously, and Chris gets flustered over it. Dawwwwww.

Chris manages to get them to safety to their Dad...

...while brutally lying about it, making Chris look like a predator. There’s a very crushing irony at play here, given who Chris used to serve.

“ugggggggggggggggghhhhhh hes not even gonna payyyyy meeeeeee why the fuck did i dooooo thiiiiiiissssss”

“hey, you know. you kids have a really nice relationship with one another. care to give me tips on how to be an empathetic human being capable of making friends?”

“maybe we’re born with it”

“maybe its maybeline”

“maybeline...”

Meanwhile...

A cold wind blows through Lydian Apartment 69-L. (I don’t actually know if that’s their room number, I just made it up.)

“jesus take the wheel, because i’m jumping out the passenger seat to save this current wreck of a relationship”

“miku please i saved your life, doesnt that count for anything”

“you already killed me the moment you lied. also im taking the bottom bunk so i dont have to see your face coming down the ladder.”

“miku you cant hide in this depression den forever. i know i hurt you and im sorry for it, but please understand i literally couldnt do it. you saw there were punches and violence and stuff... i didnt want you tied to that...”

“what was that? i cant hear your apologies over my incredibly loud snoring. SNOOOOOOORE. SNOOOOOOOORE. SNOOO- fuck, i just swallowed my spit, fuck”

“i hope this cocoon of displeasure you’ve made for yourself lets you erupt into a butterfly of acceptance so i can fly with you again.”

“......thats not fair. you cant say those beautiful metaphors and get away with it. let me be mad... sniff... let me be mad...”

Sadness wafts in the den of lies Hibiki has been forced into.

No music plays. There is only heartbreak, and woe.

In the midst of this pain...

Ryoko loredumps about how the Symphogears work and are immune to the noise on her blog, ‘hornyonmainforscience.org’, her hybrid science journal slash kink zone. It’s mostly a recap with some pretty good soft techno beats in it.

“i made a custom brew of red bull, five hour energy drink, coffee, and cream. i call it gamer girl piss.”

“damn. that’s some good piss.”

She muses about how Hibiki has managed to break the limitations of her Symphogear, making her a totally unique specimen. Wait, where have we heard this before...?

Hey... Ryoko... let’s just... cool it a bit with the Hibiki pictures... come on...

Ryoko touches upon the Custodians and the Curse of Babel. We ain’t touching that shit until later, because that’s another shitfuck box of crazy just ready to jump us in a dark alleyway to rob us of our wits.

Back to Lydian:

“miku whats the answer to the first three multiple choice questions”

“B. A. D.”

“oh, thanks. huh, BAD.”

“yeah. you are.”

“mmm. taste likes dissapointment. just like my life.”

“hey table for two haha get it cause there’s two chairs and miku for the love of god, please, forgive me”

“ive surgically removed my eyes and drew eyelashes over them with sharpie so i dont have to see your bird bangs.”

“thats very rude to both me and my hair. also, wig.”

Even Hibiki’s meal is judging her. Mainly for not eating it. Fucking look at this. God, that looks amazing. Fuck, why did I write this while I was hungry.

“miku you cant do this forever. i might die and youll end up crying on my tombstone going ‘oh god, why, oh god’, and really, i cant live with myself if that happens. mainly because id already be dead by then”

The Anime Janai crew show up to break some icebergs with a goddamn sledgehammer. As the self-aware Gods of this realm, they got very tired of this poor display of angst, and have decided to directly intervene.

Nevermind. They came for her kneecaps, and they most certainly got them.

PLEASE. I’M BEGGING YOU. END THIS GARBAGE PLOT THREAD.

“look. imma lay down the facts. yall are gay. yall are in love. yall are angry for the wrong reasons. its nobody’s fault here but the writer. so please kiss and make up. pretty please.”

“kaneko... you fool... we all know what the original sin is. its your hack writing making this stupidity in the first place. let the pencil go, asshole!”

They bring up the fact that Hibiki isn’t doing her work and wonder if she has a job on the side, which isn’t allowed by the school. Miku gets annoyed and bails, with Hibiki running after her. Unfortunately, Miku runs faster...

“oh god miku not the rooftop whatever you’re thinking just dont do it! please!”

“no. i came here to angst, since this is the Maximum Angst Zone.”

“i..... okay! okay, that’s fair! rooftops are the perfect place to look sad while getting proper air ventilation, thats fine”

It really would have been better played if it was played off that she felt hurt not because of the lie, but because she felt like she could have helped her better having known the truth, and it being a self-loathing sort of scenario for not being there better for her and not fully understanding the risk at play.

But no, instead, we get this.

Absolutely obliterated. A heart ripped, shredded, and sent to the Shadow Realm.

The episode ends on that note, but has a post credit scene.

Naked. On an old timey telephone. On a computer. Wearing stockings and long gloves.

The main antagonist of the series, everybody.

She’s talking the best English possible to some random-ass American when suddenly bursting through the scene is none other than:

“I WANT WORKERS COMPENSATION YOU BITCH, BEFORE I UNIONIZE YOUR NAKED ASS”

“AND I WANT A GOOD REFERNECE FOR MY FUTURE EMPLOYER, AND ALSO A SEVERANCE PACKAGE SINCE I’M FUCKING HOMELESS”

“i paint my eyelashes with mascara made from the tar of freshly carbonated corpses manufactured through noise, what on gods green earth compels you to think id give a rats ass about you?”

“so you never cared, huh! you’re just a nasty naked hedonist trying to- trying to- what the fuck are you even trying to do?!”

“i want to live the dream every spicy little fossil like me yearns for.”

“I WANNA FUCK GOD!”

“how- what? what? how do you even- what? are you- do you want to be the pope? is that it? does the pope get to fuck god? are you- is this a larping thing? you’ve really been into larping lately! i don’t like this!”

“youve never read the old testament, have you. ass out, pussy bare, hips up and barefoot. that’s how god’s always liked it.”

“now get lost, punk. you tipped off my hand to genjuro and now you being here is going to ruin everything. if you still feel any semblance of devotion, eat one of your own bullets and call it a day.”

“it’s 2012 bitch, if the mayans dont get you, I WILL”

“what god gives, He takes away, and so do i. i built you from the ground up. your relic, which was good for jack shit on you. the nehushtan, which you failed to do anything with except zap a couple hundred people. stop wars? you’re a walking war, waged by me, for me. and your cartridge has just run out of bullets.”

“uh oh! hand’s acting up again! better bail before i send you back to smacktown where all the bitter little shittalkers like you strut around spending their lives being useless as hell.”

“ah fuck, im not dealing with no manos: the hands of fate bullshit again”

“and guess what else i got on motherfucker”

“i see the union efforts have officially been busted. understandable, have a nice day ma’am”

“LEAVE.”

“I’M GOING, I’M GOING”

[mishajunkie]

(Sorry, I am on mobile and can't put this in a cut.)

I don't know who to vent to, so I'll vent here.

I'm a depressed individual. I make jokes about it, sure, but the underlying sadness is always there. It runs in my family, mainly stemming from unsolved issues.

My unsolved thing is the immense grief I still feel about my Grandma's passing. It was six years ago (nearly... on Friday). And it feels like yesterday.

Literally, just thinking about her death, even briefly, chokes me up.

My doctor asked me for examples of things I may feel could be causing my depression, and I immediately start crying. Just saying it outloud hurts so much still.

And of course, like for most who are dealing with grief, it always grows around "that time of the year." So, naturally, it's really bad right now.

And, while I am overcomed with grief, I get overcomed with guilt as well. Not survivors guilt, but a bone depth guilt.

The day before her surgery, we were IMing, and she had sent me a message saying "i am so sick and tired of being in pain" and i thought, I SWORE, I saw my "im so sorry" go through as a response. But, it wasn't until a week after she passed, that I opened our conversation to see that it never sent. And it haunts me so much. So so much. This was the last thing she cognitively said to me. And I said.... nothing.

Now, we were all there when the decision was made to turn the machines off. We had all said our peace. Yet, I didn't know that I would have this guilt. I didn't know about the unsent message. And part of me clings so hard to the thought she heard all of us. That she knows. But I'll never know that she heard me or that she has heard me all these years.

Grandma. You were such a rock in my life and our family has definitely not been the same since you left. I miss you so much that it sometimes hurts to exist in a reality that you're not here anymore.

Who can I call at midnight, crying that my parents were trapped in Cancun during Hurricane Wilma? No one else would have dropped everything like you did to drive 3 hours in the middle of the night, so you could be in the driveway when I awoke.

Who can I now call when I am walking alone and I just need comfort of knowing someone is listening to me get home safely?

Who can I count on to have even worse computer issues than me? Who else had a grandma who played WoW and Everquest?

Who makes the stupid names and powers of food I didnt like as a kid... but learned to love as an adult?

Ok... I could truly go on forever. She was amazing.

[missyou-mp3-blog]

7/24/17 - MONSTA X concert experience/fan account!

i wanted to share with everyone (and for myself so ill always remember) of how my experience was with monsta x’s concert! i attended their 2nd LA date and it was my first time lining up early for a concert, and also my first time being in the pit. ill be putting everything in a bullet point list under a ‘read more’, but just know that my memory is shit and my thoughts are really unorganized. :’)

the line

my friends and i lined up around 12:30p and i was really scared bcuz of LA heat (im very sensitive to hot weather. also cold weather too.) + what were we gonna do all day waiting in line??

it actually ended up being ok cause it wasnt hot (it was cloudy, the air was cool, we were in the shade, and it even rained a little bit)

i also met up with another friend and her group in line!!

eventually our group had more people since we randomly talked to some other girls nearby us (so we were a group of 10)

waiting in line was actually enjoyable

but i definitely did not drink enough water and i only had one ‘real’ meal in the morning and survived on junk food/snacks throughout the day

i didnt feel good after the concert actually lmao i had a really bad stomachache when i got back to my friend’s place

anyways here’s some stuff i learned from other fans while waiting in line:

NO ONE LIKED KIHYUN’S PINK HAIR FROM FIGHTER ERA (i loved it tho...)

‘fighter’ is monsta x’s worst title track (some people said it was a shitty song but im being biased and am gonna say i still like it even though it’s my least fav too)

‘all in’ is monsta x’s best title track and should’ve gotten them their first win

im assuming a lot of monbebes are armys too

also... there was some guy selling unofficial monsta x shirts and a LOT of fans were buying them...

my problem with this is that on the back of the shirt it says “since 2014″, but monsta x debuted in 2015???

if it’s “since 2014″ for when the first ep of no.mercy aired?? then i guess that makes sense... but im pretty sure “since 2014″ is a mistake/inaccurate and i wish those fans didnt buy the shirt BCUZ OF THE WRONG YEAR... :///

oh and i also got a lot of freebies !!! like fans were passing out banners, fanmade postcards + photocards, etc.

the concert

security let me and some of my friend group (bcuz not all of us had P2 tickets) into the venue a little before 7p

we got a spot in the middle of the pit?? which was good, i thought, but my friends were thinking if we moved back to the P3 section we’d have a better view (bcuz once the concert starts everyone’s phones will be up lmao)

we ended up staying in our spot but as more people were coming in to the pit, it progressively got more crowded/squished (and people who werent SUPPOSED to be in the pit were in the pit too...)

but im assuming the pit wasnt that bad compared to day 1 since the pit wasnt even full (lots of space near the back) and monsta x didnt sell out their 2nd LA date

once it got closer to 8p the lights on the stage turned on and LITERALLY EVERYONE PUSHED FORWARD :(

and then monsta x had an intro video?? where it showed a picture of each member with their names and by this time i started tearing up bcuz that meant they were coming on stage soon and i was thinking “oH SHIT”

aND THEN WHEN THEY CAME OUT ON STAGE AND STARTED THE CONCERT PERFORMING “BEAUTIFUL” I WAS LITERALLY SOBBING

i was a mess honestly i was sobbing and sweating cause suddenly it got really hot in the pit HAHA

halfway through “beautiful” some of my friends turned to me and looked shocked and they were all “??? AMANDA ARE U OK???”

which i was lol but you know... i knew 100% that i was going to cry during the concert, but i just didnt expect to do it RIGHT AWAY and to cry that hard oOPS

it was probably cause i thought “wow im actually here seeing my ult bias group live and they’re so close to me and i can see them pretty well and im alive at this time bless”

but i was so embarrassed at my reaction and now whenever i hear “beautiful” ill probably cry remembering this

and i actually stopped and calmed down (they used “stop! calm down” reference a lot throughout the concert) pretty quick tho so i could jam and sing along to the next song

anyways here’s when my memory goes to shit lmao i dont remember the order/the setlist that much

but im pretty sure they performed “incomparable” before they did member introductions

and i was LIVING BCUZ INCOMPARABLE IS MY 2ND FAV SONG FROM THEIR BEAUTIFUL ALBUM

when they were doing member introductions, one of my friends wanted to get their attention so we did an arm(?) heart together

and apparently WE GOT WONHO’S ATTENTION BCUZ SHE GOT REALLY EXCITED AND SAID THAT HE SMILED AND POINTED AT US

BUT I DIDNT SEE THAT HE NOTICED US FML (idk where my attention was) T________T

but when hyungwon started talking i cheered for him the loudest/more than i did for the other members bcuz i was so happy he was there

i looked at hyungwon the most during the concert, mainly bcuz he stood on the side of the stage where i had a good view

and also bcuz hyungwon is SO BEAUTIFUL!! HE IS THE TRUE VISUAL OF MONSTA X!!

even though he was healthy enough to come to the LA shows, i think he was tired/not at his best bcuz during one performance he was sitting down on the steps of the stage and he had his hand covering his eyes :((( (idk if he was tired or if he did that to see monbebes up on the balcony better)

after hyungwon, the member i looked at the 2nd most was kihyun bcuz HAVE YOU SEEN THAT BOY????

when they sang “white love/girl” i thought i was going to cry since i always cry when i listen to it at home but after my first embarrassing cry i think i was done cause no tears came out lol

I REALLY ENJOYED ‘READY OR NOT’ AND ‘OI’ LIVE. im more of a fan of monsta x’s louder songs with the booming basslines (but of course i like their softer songs too!)

for the member unit stages, i wanted to take pics/record vids but everyone had their phones up during these times so i decided not to take pics/record anything and just enjoy the special stages

BUT I GOT REALLY SHY WITH HYUNGWONHO’S “FROM ZERO” STAGE BCUZ WONHO!!!! AAAAAAAAA

and then everyone went wild when hyungwon was kneeling(?) down and wonho touched him lmao

REALLY hoping starship will release a studio version of “from zero” on their next album or something bcuz I LOVE IT (esp the chorus)

i dont really have much to say about shownu, minhyuk, and I.M’s “24k magic” cover bcuz i couldnt see them/the stage that well but it was a fun performance i think!!

kihyun and jooheon’s “mirror” cover WAS SO GOOD??? IT WAS POWERFUL AND MY FAVORITE SPECIAL MEMBER STAGE. like the lighting for the stage, jooheon’s rapping, kihyun’s VOCALS.... all of it was perfect

also not to say that any of the members were ‘bad performers’ bcuz they’re all great, but i definitely thought that kihyun and jooheon were in general the best performers throughout the whole night

for “white sugar” the members threw candies/chocolates into the crowd and wONHO KISSED THE CANDIES/CHOCOLATES HE HAD BEFORE THROWING THEM

i didnt catch any of them but if i caught wonho’s???? not to be that fan but i probably would never eat the candy/chocolate l m a o

oh so i just remembered i didnt write anything about the VCRs, but that’s intentional bcuz i honestly dont remember anything from them.... 

all i remember was in one of them the members find hyungwon sitting up against the wall with his face busted and everyone in the crowd went “AWWWWW”

besides performances... what else do i remember...

there was wonho imitating the translator!!

and jooheon’s new(?) aegyo???? he didnt do the kukukaka thing but something (still cute) with his dimples :’)

and I.M sang some of that “L-O-V-E” song

also I.M asked the crowd, “do you know who the ace (member) is in monsta x?” and then he said something like, “it’s all of you! monbebe(s) are the 8th member of monsta x!” ❤

back to performances, when “shine forever” came on i tried not to laugh bcuz one of my friends’ sister said some stupid funny shit about kihyun’s part in the chorus where he goes “SHINE FOREVER YEAH YEAH YEAH”

so now whenever i hear “shine forever” i always think of what my friend’s sister said lmao. i used to not like that song that much tbh but i enjoyed “shine forever” live, it was great!

“TRESPASS” LIVE IS AMAZING; EVERYONE WAS SINGING ALONG AND DYING (INCLUDING ME)

then after they performed “fighter” they went off stage to prep for the encore so i used this time to sit down bcuz MY FEET WERE REALLY TIRED AND MY BACK HURT

glad they ended with “no exit” (one of my fav songs!!) and “5:14″, but i also dont really have anything to say about these performances lol

but wonho THREW HIS SWEATY TOWEL INTO THE PIT 

AND OF COURSE I DIDNT CATCH IT SO WHOEVER DID IS LUCKY

but even if i did catch it i wouldnt know what to do with his sweaty towel (again, not to be that fan but i would never wash it and try to conserve his sweat??? sounds gross but what else would you do lmaoooo)

kihyun said they’d come back soon (PLEASE COME TO SEATTLE) and they’d go to kcon in the future

and then you know there was the streamers and confetti (they only landed near the front of the pit tho asdlnfs) and then the boys bowed 3x and said good bye to everyone :’(((

for the ending video/credits the song that was playing was “miss you” but i didnt pay attention to the ending vid bcuz i was trying to find my friend group since we all got separated/paired off while in the pit lol

they didnt perform “miss you” or “stuck” or any of the songs from no.mercy but that’s ok cause the concert was still amazing and i loved every minute of it and it was only my 2nd kpop concert i’ve been to but it’s the best :(((

my throat ended up hurting after and my voice sounded a lot lower but it was worth it !!

hitouch

before i start i just want to say i HATE MYSELF bcuz i cant express how im feeling correctly/my facial expressions dont match with what i say so through the hitouch i hoped that i was smiling LOOOOL but im pretty sure i looked shocked the entire time

k so my friend group was freaking out

“WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY TO (INSERT BIAS NAME)??” “I DON’T KNOW!!!!”

when we were getting closer to the front of the line to see/hitouch the members we were all, “WHO’S THE FIRST MEMBER ALSDLA”

so the order for hitouch it was: I.M, hyungwon, kihyun, shownu <-> jooheon, wonho, and minhyuk (ill explain why i did the arrow thing for shownu and jooheon below...)

and how the hitouch was set up, the members were to your left and there was a table to separate them from the fans

i had my lightstick and a wonho paper heart in my left hand so i was doing hitouch with my right hand

I.M was wearing glasses and lemme tell you I.M IS HANDSOME AS FUCK

i had no idea what to say to him so i just said the first thing that came to mind and it was something like: “the show/you guys are so amazing!!”

and I.M smiled, closed his eyes, nodded his head, and had this really satisfied look on his face and he said thank you!!

hyungwon was next and i wanted to tell him “thank you so much for coming! please stay healthy/please take care of yourself” but all i ended up saying was “thank you so much for coming” ASLDA FUCK

then kihyun... OMG LET ME JUST SAY THAT KIHYUN IS SOOOO NICE

since i fucked up what i wanted to say to hyungwon i decided to just say “i love you” since it’s not hard to remember compared to a personalized message (even though they hear “i love you” thousands of times) + they’d understand “i love you”

but i told kihyun “i love you” and FUCKING KIHYUN... hE HIT ME WITH A BEAUTIFUL SMILE, CUTE TEETH SHOWING AND AN EYE SMILE AND HE WAS VERY HAPPY AND HE SAID “THANK YOU”

SO AFTER KIHYUN MY MIND WENT BLANK

so that’s why i dont remember if it was shownu or jooheon next IM SO SORRY AND I ACTUALLY DONT THINK I SAID ANYTHING TO SHOWNU AND JOOHEON AND I DONT EVEN REMEMBER TOUCHING THEIR HANDS FML BCUZ AFTER KIHYUN I WAS DAZED

but i remember shownu just had his normal resting face and then i do remember jooheon was smiling and i could see his dimples!!!!!

so then i think wonho and minhyuk were the only members who were sitting down, BUT WONHO WAS IN MY VIEW AND I PANICKED

cause wonho is my ult bias and... he means so much to me and there was no way i could express it in words so i quickly said, “wonho, i admire you so much i love you”

and all i remember was that he smiled at me and THAT’S OK THAT’S ENOUGH FOR ME IM FINE HONESTLY!!!

minhyuk was last and i was actually trying to rush... bcuz i kept hearing security saying to “move along” and i was the last in my friend group to do hitouch and i didnt want them to leave me behind so

i wanted to tell minhyuk “thank you for existing” bcuz this boy really makes me feel better when im feeling down and he is my source of happiness

but i think i just said “i love you” bcuz his reaction after would make the most sense if i said “i love you” to him

so i told minhyuk “i love you” and as i was trying to leave/go i could still feel his hand in mine??? like he didnt let go of my hand right away and i was CONFUSED

cause i was focusing on catching up with my friend group, but as my hand was slipping out of minhyuk’s i turned to look back aND MINHYUK’S FACE WAS CLOSE TO MINE BCUZ HE WAS LEANING OVER THE TABLE TOWARD ME AS I WAS LEAVING BCUZ HE WANTED TO SAY “THANK YOU” AND HE SMILED AND NODDED HIS HEAD AT ME

I LOVE MINHYUK WE HAD A LINGERING TOUCH!!!!!!!!!!!1

AND I DIDNT CRY AFTER THE HITOUCH/EXITING THE VENUE BUT IM CRYING NOW BCUZ THE WHOLE EXPERIENCE IS ONLY HITTING ME NOW HOLY FUCK!!!!!!!

but really though the whole day was truly amazing (i know i said this so many times asldjsal) and i had such a fun time... seeing monsta x, even though they’ll forget me, ill never forget them. ❤ being there to see them live and up close and there with friends i’ve only met for the first time + making new friends has become my most happiest experience ever. thank you so much monsta x for my life??? i love them so much. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤