#and made myself cry in the process

[psydelta]

Imagine this: Bruce doesn't understand the concept of death.

He has pretty developed abstract thinking but this concept just. Evades him. He simply doesn't understand and has no intention to. Death is a social construct, and Bruce refuses to follow it.

It has so much crack potential but I'd like to see some DRAMA. Like, when his parents are shot in front of him, Bruce goes "nope, I refuse" and simply drives the whole concept of death out of his head. Instead he tells himself that "they'll be taken to the hospital and be fine". He anchors down with them, holds their hands and waits for help. Imagine Joe Chills terror when this child looks at him with horrified expression and goes "That must really hurt! Why did you do this?" and takes bloody hands of his dead parents muttering reassuring things and constant stream of you'll be okays and this will heals.

After Alfred takes Bruce home, he tries to explain that his parents are dead. But Bruce just looks at him with big eyes and says: "But they're in the hospital, and doctors will help them, right?" Alfred tries again and again, and eventually Bruce goes into full-blown tantrum and refuses to listen, covers his ears and goes hiding. Alfred doesn't have a heart to try this again.

And after days, then weeks, Bruce starts asking about his parents. Shouldn't he and Alfred go check on them? Why aren't they home already? What's happening? Where are they? And Alfred explains again: "They are dead, Master Bruce. They'll never come back, they are dead". But Bruce doesn't hear "dead" . He nods as if he totally and completely understands and hears "abandoned you" instead. Because being alive and abandoning him is better than being dead.

He lives with this. With the thought that his parents couldn't put up with him - put up with Gotham - anymore. He imagines their new life and shows hand-drawn pictures of them - alive and happy and in the midst of craziest adventures 10-year-old can come up with - and Alfred excuses himself after to cry alone every time.

Bruce forsed into therapy. It's not healthy to just forget about death; it's not healthy to live in such complete denial. And he goes, willingly, without complaints. He talks about problems at school, about his fears and anxieties that had gotten worse after his parents left him. He talks about them at length - mother's kindness and warmth, father's guidance and patience - and cries. And every time his therapists try to tell him: "But they're dead, Bruce", he gets this blank look in his eyes for a second and goes quiet and still. His sessions last for three years; Alfred thinks about fourth and does nothing.

After that it is still the same path - Bruce decides that he must help Gotham, seeks training, becomes Batman, all that drill. He fosters Dick - and loves him with all his heart. They fight, Dick leaves, and Bruce thinks that maybe it's not Gotham - maybe it's just him.

He finds Jason - hungry and miserable and too angry to be alone. He takes him under his wing, and makes him Robin, and everything is not fine - Dick still doesn't come home but at least he picks up the phone - but it's good. Bruce is good. He content with his life.

And then Jason dies.

It uproots everything. Dick comes home to scream at Bruce about his dead- something, they wasn't brothers truly, but Dick started to accept Jason as his successor. He screams himself to exhaustion. He turns to leave again. And then Bruce pulls down his cowl and says: "I understand that you are upset. It's my fault that Jason is in this condition. It'll take a lot of time to heal but hell be fine, Dick. I promise."

Dick is frozen. He stands with his mouth open, unable to form one coherent thought, until Alfred guides him away with a gentle touch on the elbow and explains Bruce's inability to understand death in hushed voice. Dick doesn't believe him. Not at first. Not until he sees Bruce talking at Jason's corpse with almost serene smile on his face and then Dick out of the cave to promptly retch into the nearest toilet. It's too much.

It's too much for Alfred too. He doesn't know what Bruce sees inside his mind, when the are at the wake and coffin is lowered into open maw of the grave. But Bruce talks to Jason - and Alfred doesn't listen after "I'll wait for you, son, as long as I need".

And the worst part? Jason does come back.

[ruenii]

i made myself cry but whatever!! WHATEVERRR--

SJ reincarnates as a baby and is now SY's little brother. Imagine how much whiplash he has when he's showered with so much love and adoration. His A-Die loves to carry him when he goes to read or work in his office, his A-Niang always sings lullabies for him when he goes to sleep and buys him so much baby clothes.

But his siblings are by far the stickiest, his first older brother and second brother were a bit distant; as they inherited the family business. It doesn't make them any less affectionate!! in fact, it makes them more clingy and want more time with their new youngest!! His Shijie, Shen Jiu thinks, is very outspoken. She's a top student and a social media influencer with thousands and thousands of fans. She always took pictures of him and dresses both of them up in matching outfits whenever she makes a video or a post.

and, finally, his San-ge; Shen Yuan. He was a bit of an outlier, always at home, rarely ever visiting the family, and preferred to just read novels or consume media to pass the time.

Shen Jiu, at first, thought it was a bit pathetic. Why is his San-ge only lazing around? their other siblings are successful and actually did something with their lives, while he was just wasting away!

He papped Shen Yuans head with his baby hands for that a couple times when the other tries to cuddle him close.

Turns out, Shen Yuan absolutely adores his little brother, that he'd actually try and visit the family just to see him. (Shen Jiu isn't preening at that, he isn't.)

Shen Yuan loves his snarky little brother, he loves that they both have a love for papping people on the head, he loves that cute glare he does when he's angry, he loves the pretty jade eyes he has, he loves his small, chubby, little fingers. Shen Yuan was absolutely smitten!

The rest of his family are happy that he got out of the house for once, and visiting them more often too! No more forcing their mei-mei to drag him out!

And Shen Jiu (albeit begrudgingly--) admits that, Shen Yuan is his favourite. He likes it when Shen Yuan visits the family more, he likes it when he gets to be carried by him and drool all over him because he's a piece of shit, and he loves it when Shen Yuan- or- his Yuan-ge focuses all his love on him. He's a territorial baby okay? No one gets to have his Shijie's and San-ge's attention more than him.

Shen Jiu grows up in a family that loves him so much it aches him, but he wouldn't have it any other way. He would burn the heavens if it meant keeping all of them safe.

[galaxostars]

prongsfoot and wolfstar in the last chapter of Presque Vu by @starsworth

[surging-eyes-seeing-through]

Have you ever sat Mr. Wright down and discussed all the baggage between you? He seems to be making an effort to be a better boss ever since he got proven innocent of forgery, but it's clear he's not really going about it the right way.

He's trying to be a better mentor to Athena than he was to you, and I'd say he's succeeding. But his attempts to fix things with you have all been minor things that don't really address the underlying issues. Like he wants things to be automatically better between you guys without putting in the work.

And sure, he was there for you when you needed him to be during the trial, but you also had to practically beg him in order to get him to do so, despite the fact that it should've been clear long before that what you needed from him. So it's obvious things are still rough and you're not really on the same page.

But, in order to get on the same page and start fixing things, you kinda need to speak up and tell him what the problems are. Especially since it seems he's not gonna be the one to do it. (Then again, maybe he will if the trial was a wake up call for him)

"...I haven't talked to him about any of it, no. I... I think he knows I'm upset with him over certain things, like... how he initially treated me, but all he's really given in that regard are half-apologies and jokes at his own expense. To be honest, I don't think either of us really know how to bring it up, at least in a good way... I guess I can't blame him for that, I'm no better."

"Him trying to be a better boss to Athena... I guess that makes sense. I can't exactly stop myself from feeling jealous, but... at least I can keep that in mind, and be happy he's trying to improve. Maybe... Maybe I can try to talk to Athena about it, at some point, She's more approachable than Mr. Wright, in any case..."

"Maybe that's it, really. Maybe I just... need to be more vocal about what I need from people, what my boundaries are. I just... I don't want to be a bother, you know? Someone breaking away from me... that idea gives me more fear than any mild inconvenience ever could."

"It's all so complicated. I wish my life... I wish I was more normal."

[beescake]

you invented solkat I think

ACK i am goop. i am merely a student trained by the og solkats of the past decade

[agendratum]

Calm me down I'm inside out and upside down Hold my head in your hands To calm me down Get it out

[blubujollyrancher]

that relatable moment when you assumed the girl you used to care for perished in a tragic lab ablaze incident and only realized she still lived when you stumble upon her years later after you've erased yourself from everyone's memories and now she no longer remembers you

[bylrndgm]

seize the day!

byler week 2023 | day ii: 80s movies movie: dead poets society (1989) | insp. dedicated to @edelweiss-coffee

[lilacerull0]

i would call my dad to apologise, but knowing him it would just hurt him unnecessarily to be reminded of that because he's not really good with bluntness which is what caused this whole thing and the other issue is that i know i will impulsively act like this many times in the future, so i guess the best thing i can do is continue to be as kind to him as i can be

[friendlyneighbourhoodelf]

commander fox’s terrible, no good, very bad day

try not to breathe

rated T | word count 3,055

summary -

He breathed in harshly, fighting to control himself despite knowing it was a hopeless aim. Around him were the only remains of Cody he would ever see, the man he had been reduced to a datapoint in a report.

A horrible little noise escaped his throat and Fox shuddered again, digging his fingers desperately into his thighs as if somehow this would stop the terrible, curling pain that racked his body. He had known despair and grief before, of course he had, but each time it seemed as if it were a new creature. Each time it tore at him, uncaring that he had before experienced its teeth in his flesh, the pain was fresh and sharp and new.

Cody is dead and Fox is forced to take his place. He grieves for the man that his brother was; hates, but cannot refuse, what he being asked to do to his memory.

inspired by the end of the line by @larcenistarsonist

[cookiescr]

Healing is so fucking weird man like few days ago I was crying the whole day and now I'm fine even in the mention of the things I'm healing from and also anything that reminded me of them?? I am afraid of three things: that I have stopped caring, that I am suppressing my emotions or that I would get used to the calm and not be able to handle it again when something triggers my emotions

[2nd-mushroom-circle]

lines that made me cry in my 3rd relisten to the chaos protocol ep 32 (MAJOR SPOILERS):

- “brother heed me, as you ought.” something about the way connie says brother this time… i will never be ok about sing and seir

- i mean i could say the entire rest of the opening monologue. but the little hesitance on “lover, hold me”? OW.

- THE WAY VAL’S VOICE SOUNDS ON THEIR FIRST LINE. illegal.

- similarly, the sobbing after “it is lost. forever.” always catches me off guard and RIGHT IN THE HEART

- the way connie just moves on to lumiéra after val says “something snaps”. cause there’s nothing more to say. nothing that can fix it.

- “a door that had been so carefully pried open slamming shut, and… he doesn’t feel.”

- “and he just… looks at where he should have been a shield.” have i ever mentioned that cai is a masterful storyteller? cause cai is a masterful storyteller and god. i’ll never stop feeling things about xainan esch

- this whole scene with xainan crumbling into dust destroys me.

- “you have always been half dead, xainan esch”

- connie calling oblivion the most beautiful person you’ve ever seen as xainan is drifting away from his own life sure is something, huh.

- “i think im just exhausted with being a coward” no cause i have so many feelings about lumiéra waiting, waiting, always a little too hesitant and afraid to tell sing how she really felt, even though sing felt the same, because it’s too scary because it’s too complicated because lumiéra is literally just fucking HUMAN and it takes so much to make that step - only for her to finally do it and it’s just. a moment. too. late.

- the moment when we move from lumiéra’s flashback to the present. the imagery of happy, triumphant, hopeful lumi giving way to lumi crouched over sing’s body, tear tracks staining her face.

- and the imagery of seir holding up lumiéra with his sister. fuck me i guess.

- THE FUCKING PERSPECTIVE SHIFT

- ok being fully fr seir’s monologue here is when i actually started crying in earnest this time. what the fuck val. not one line. all of them

- “the knife that is xainan” always hits me a little bit

- “whelming it’s pitiable vessel” is just such a good phrase. didn’t make me cry but i love it

- the music cue when artemis appears did make me cry though

- “eyes that immediately fall upon sing’s body” if i think too hard about artemis’s relationship with sing (artemis singing the twins to sleep, artemis signing her transfer request because artemis can see right through her, artemis giving them all the warning she can, artemis knowing when they die and appearing right away but unsurprised, with grief that has always been there, artemis making a choice) i will break. and start making some not-yet-canon assumptions about artemis’s own emotional state. so we are not thinking about that!

- “a lance in her chest” “bleeding.” ow ow ow the multiple possible readings of this line. connie and sea kicking off their insane narration chemistry with a lance to my chest. ow

- “those warm, gentle hands, that do not touch, that are so careful with their love” ok so when i said we weren’t feeling things about artemis? i lied

- “and when her hands pass through your flaming horns, snuffing them out like a candle at the end of its wick, it is not violent. it is not to put a cap on your grief, not to quiet you, not to for you into a box or a body that cannot contain you -“ “it is a mercy.” “it is the sweet mercy of rest when you have no tears left to cry.” the actual reason i’m relistening to this episode is to memorize all the words. so i can hold them like precious things in a box inside me. btw

- and artemis sings you and your sister to rest one final time.

ok. *wipes away tears.* anyways.

- artemis wiping a tear from lumiéra’s eye and calling her the bravest girl in the room .

- we interrupt your regularly scheduled tears to bring you: i’m gonna pull an øka* and punch fate in the fucking face. “this pain has a design”. yeah it’s called fate’s a BITCH and a BAD PARENT. and you can quote me on this

*i have not yet watched the second stranger only seen the clip of øka punching fate. so many times. i replayed that clip quite a bit after this episode.

- “and you cannot hold on to your life much longer. you are a dead man walking and you can go no farther than this.” ok back to crying! this is the sequence i was originally most abnormal about. and you know what? it still hits. so much. xainan my beloved

- sea and connie narrative trading my beloved.

- “do you want to live?” “i don’t know.” “then why don’t you come with me, and you can tell me your answer later.” god what a line. what a perfect response. there are no words that can fix this, but maybe with time and love and care someday you will want to live again. why don’t you come with me.

- “and she carries you home.”

- i don’t think i fully internalized the imagery of sing’s sword being driven into the earth by the roots of the world tree and the roots growing up around it before, but this time i imagined wildsailors hundreds of years from now coming upon this site and approaching it with reverence and love, knowing that it was here that something bigger than their world changed forever, holding sing’s eulogy in the very heartwood of the wildsea—yeah.

- “i love my dad, ok?” thanks abasi already sobbing.

- “it is effortless, the care that they hold for you. it is a reality unto itself.” just. cause. this is what i was hoping the whole time in the lead up to this episode. i know it would be awful and crushing and it would break them, and i was so worried that they would have to just. find a way to push on somehow. make plot happen anyways. but this, nova being cared for and held and protected in their grief? someone carrying them home when they can’t do it themselves anymore? this was just what they needed. and what i needed. i cannot wait for arc 2.

[waldfinsternis]

babe are you okay you've been crying to What was I Made For? by Billie Eilish for the past hour and reflecting on being raised a girl and as an adult realising you might not be a girl but also connecting so deeply to the feminine experience because you were raised a girl after all and relate to the beauty but also struggle and pain of it

[everlarksquell]

anyway i finished mockingjay on leap day!! (i’ve never been as serious as i am now when i tell you that i want to take my own life and that this will haunt me for the rest of my days on earth.)

[theood]

It might just be a lot of things. I really don't know. I don't like not having any energy after work but it staves off a lot of our thought processes but at the same time I don't love it. It's tolerable but I want to be doing something else. I wanna be in the dirt and I want to feel the earth under my feet and I want to know she's listening to me and telling me it's ok and I want to take care of her like she's taken care of me. I want to plant trees and cut back weeds and learn to identify our native plants and I just can't do any of that and make a living. It's not even a volunteer opportunity for me. I'm just some random citizen who didn't even go to school for any of it. And I'm so lonely. I'm the loneliest I've been. I love all my friends online I do. Truly and wholly but it doesn't help the fact that I have no one around me irl. And it hurts. And I'm scared. And I am so small all the time. And I just want it to change.

[rubberduckyrye]

Google how to make yourself feel better when you're having a fit of depression without caving in to your emotional crutch on soda while also not feeling like you're restricting and accidentally reliving a food-related trauma that makes me feel worse about restricting--