#and like... yeah nice dream and all but I deadass have no idea what triggered it

[katyspersonal]

I had a weird dream tonight about D fdhfdhsd

Well, as usual, my dreams are a mess of many things, but this one stood out the most. I kind of got to know him a little better and before long, I learned from him how to apply holy light to my sword to kill Those who Live in Death! He basically became my mentor figure somewhat

There was also this whole spiel about how the undeads are themselves not quite happy living like this; they lacked souls as much as the cause of their existence, but without his drive to exist. Basically, disturbed from their rightful rebirth or eternal rest, aimless. However, one undead stood out, being quite sentient and having nefarious purpose, and we were fighting him with a whole team of others! A team that'd all die if it was not for the skills D taught me earlier! And I after that searched D again to apologise to him. I clearly recall saying something like "Sorry, we were all thinking of you as just another fanatical psycho (?) revelling in "righteous" murder, and laughed at you behind your back, but I can see Those Who Live in Death are unhappy too and what you do is akin to mercy-killing". And he was actually confused because not even he quite realised until I spelled it out, but also was a bit bitter that I was speaking so lowly of him despite learning from him. He has forgiven me though but the feeling of shame was intense in the dream and I still remember it.

There was also more 'wholesome' time, closer to waking up, where we went to his "home" to have dinner and I've met his brother! The thing is, I was never able to tell them apart fdshhd I can only assume the one training me was Darian all things considered, but... you have no idea how identical they were. xD Absolutely the same. They were even pranking me using my inability to say who was who ;-; The 'one person, two bodies' effect was absurd and I basically reached the level of tossing a pillow at them in that 'stop already you guys!!!' as they were giggling at my confusion fhsdds

[diefakekalvingarrah]

Addressing all my Factives

Okay first and most importantly Garrett Watts. Garrett Watts was actually one of my very first alter to introduce themselves to me. He was like hey I exist! He went to a period when I first met him where he was like No! I’m not a factive I’m a fucktive! And I was like huh? Basically it’s when you’re not a factive nor a fictive but something inbetween. He’s not a fucktive, he’s definitely a factive we were just in denial because we didn’t like the idea of factives. But water you gonna do. Garrett is amazing. He’s such a blessing to my system. He makes us so happy in really intense times, usually when we get overwhelmingly angry, he comes in and diffuses things with his funny ways.

Kurtis Conner next. This isn’t in order of when they split, but rather the least to the most problematic how about that. Anyway, Kurtis Conner is wonderful. He split pretty recently around the same time as PEIII. He’s lovely. Not much more to say he’s pretty surprisingly dead on for the real Kurtis Conner. He’s pretty chill about factive stuff. He’s understanding and he’s just like whatever y’know.

ASIA! I hate Asia. Asia is definitely a persecutor although I’m not a big fan of those kind of labels but I still think they’re necessary. Her full name is Asia Herrera. Asia is modeled after an ex friend of mine of the same name. Asia was a really really crazy toxic and emotionally abusive and manipulative person. She was a major shit bag. We knew each other and were friends for five years before I finally blew up at her and told her everything I felt and then we cut off. But I was really attached to her at that point so when we “broke up” it really hit different and to cope, Asia split off as an alter. She’s meant to bring me comfort and like,, what’s the word for when you come to terms with something? Whatever that is. That’s her whole point. She definitely didn’t for awhile and only made me feel worse and caused a lot of problems, but she did eventually. I still don’t like her though. I have a few prosecutors and persecutors, and the only ones I would ever confidently say I hate and wish had never formed are her and JJ and that’s it. 

Moriah Elizabeth is a pretty recent split. Don’t look her up or you’ll make fun of me, let me just tell you her deal and you take my word for it okay? okay. It’s dumb. You’ve probably never heard of her because as far as I’m aware none of my followers are seven years old nor mothers of little babies. Moriah Elizabeth is a YouTube well known for making art and crafting related content aimed towards stereotypical little girls. Just a lot of unicorns and rainbows and sprinkles and glitter. Her main gig is a series called “Squishy Makeover” where her child fans send her their old fucked up squishy toys and she fixes them and makes them new and interesting. And she has the maturity level of a little elementary school girl. Uh. Anyway. Yeah. She’s amazing. So Teter, resident little, went though a pretty rough patch of nonstop stuck fronts and tantrums when her favorite caretaker alter (Denis, RIP) integrated. And during that time her favorite thing to do to distract herself was watch Moriah Elizabeth and SimplyNailogical (with Zim because he loves that channel for some reason?) and videos of independent music producers because it reminded her of Denis. Anyway. Moriah developed and took on a very motherly role in taking care of Teter and making her feel better, kind of replacing Denis. She’s a blessing. And my god she paints on fucking everything.

Okay let’s get the obvious one out of the way. Kalvin Garrah. Oh Kalvin. Kalvin Kalvin Kalvin. Fuck you. So I developed Kalvin maybe two years ago?? I was having a mad hard time with my dysphoria and I would watch his videos religiously smh. I was a giant fan and took his advice for trans men as gospel. I was such an asshole haha. Anyway, when he inevitably formed, he kind of soaked up a lot of my dysphoria and gender related trauma. I thought he was a good alter! I was like oh cool! This absolute chad is gonna held guide me on being a Real Boy™️ like my own little SQUIP or sum. Yippee. And y’know he kind fo did for awhile. Ad everything was peachy. But then, I grew up! And I developed a personality of my own and became my own person and realize I’m not just some stereotypical manly man nor and I 1000% male either. And now he despises me. He always kind of did. But whatever. He hates me. And he made me feel like shit for exploring my identity for a long time. But, as a system, we figured out how to deal with him and make him a little better, and now I’m fine with him. We get along like brothers, which is to say sometimes we get along. 

Okay so before I talk about the next two, I want to mention the fact that I have this issue, and I don’t know if there’s a name for it, but I tend to get very obsessed with certain people I will hyper fixate on these people and try to worm my way into their lives one way or another. I’m pretty good at being a people pleaser and being about to understand exactly what people want and then become that without separating myself too much from myself. The people I become obsessed with I will go to crazy lengths to get into every facet of their lives. I’ll follow them, I’ll follow their friends, I’ll follow their families, I’ll save everything and log it all in one place, I’ll pretend to be people they know and figure out their pasts, I’ll learn whatever I can and just obsess over it. I don’t know. It’s only really extremely happened with four people, but minority with some others. SORRY I KNOW ITS WEIRD BUT YOU ALREADY KNOW SHIT IS WRONF WITH ME OKAY YOU FOLLOWED YOU READ THE CARRD MOVING ON

Mars! Yahoo! So I won’t linger on this for long because Mars is very easily triggered to front, and doesn’t like being talked about. Mars (aka NyadChild now @nyadcircus ) formed during the height of the whole dysphoria debate back when he was the poster child of tucutes and trenderism . Lovely. I looked up to him ( not really at the time but when he formed I was a fan ) and I was kind of obsessed with him. Oops.

Ash! Okay! So ash, lovely ol ash I’ve been getting into a bit of a heartbreaking dram with you my lovely ash. Idk if someone’s gonna rat me out to you but whatever I’m gonna continue regardless. I won’t leave an @ so no one CAN rat me out. So ash is an influencer I guess? A nonbinary sworker who I FOUND through instagram way back and have been following for the longest time. And like a product of being obsessed with someone is checking their account obsessively. I’ve made so much fan art and little snippets of what could eventually become fanfic. That I’d never show anyone. I’ve had like six dreams about them? Maybe I’ll talk about them someday. It really ties into religious stuff too so it would be worth discussing. ANYWAY. I’m super enamorado con Ash, but not really a romantic or sexual attraction. It never is. Just a hyper fixation I dunno. I downloaded that ONE youtube video they made that one time a million years ago back when they were in the hospital and I’ve watched it so many times I practically have it memorized. Shut up get back to the point. Ash developed as a factive! Inevitable! But my ash factive is lovely. They’re really nice and pretty accurate and close to reality, aside from the weird one off fact that they use she/her tambien and I’m pretty sure Ash doesn’t considering I once used she/her for them and they called me out for it my bad. Whatever I’ll leave it at that I’lll leave a note for our ash to post sometime we’ll see moving on

Here’s an honorable mention before I get into the worst one of them all. Twiggy Ramirez! He went dormant some time ago. Out of all my factive and fictive, he was the most crazy unlike the real Twiggy Ramirez. And I’m pretty positive it was because he was modeled less after the actual Twiggy, but more after this guy that kinned Twiggy Ramirez that I was deadass obsessed with way back in 2014. I knew literally everything about that kid, I knew what school he went to I knew who his friends were, I knew every single social media he ever had even the super secret ones I managed to follow by pretending to be his friends, and at one point I even found his exact location on google maps and through that found his home address and his separated father’s home address, not to mention I learned everything about his abuser. I never ever spoke to him, nor attempted to get close to him at all. I never did anything with this info mind you and I never planned to. I was just obsessed with him and that ended eventually.

Alright!!! The best one! Rachael! Rachael Stair! AKA Randy Stair! AKA ANDREW FUKCING BLAZE. Sound familiar? Yeah look it up I won’t go into detail because I literally hate having this alter and I’m so ashamed of her but like she’s done so much for me and I appreciate her very much as a protector but not so much as the IRL equivalent. Shut the fuck up. Just don’t talk about it.