what-if-series

[what-if-series]

What if: I said something...

What if the person you were meant to be with has been with you your entire life. Deep down every time you were with them you felt this feeling like no other but just couldn't explain it. The two of you grew up and grew apart yet that feeling always remained the same until one day you realize what that feeling is. Would you act on this feeling or would you push it down and try and forget about it? What if i told you this person was considered in the family as a cousin but really had no relation at all besides being close family friends. Would your answer change or would it remain the same? Well let me tell you my story and we can see what you think at the end.

I guess you want to know who I am to begin with. Well my name is Josie and I just recently aged out of my teen years and am now at a fresh 20. I grew up in a big family that didn't just include blood relatives but also close friends who we considered family. My childhood was like any-other playing in the neighborhood doing dumb stuff with my childhood best friend. But this isn't the story I'm here to tell so let's get to it shall we. 

My mother we will call her Anna, when she went off to college she made a best friend for life Mary. The two still remain best friends today even though they live over an hour apart.However, when they both got pregnant almost at the same time they were happy to share the experience knowing their kids would grow up to be best friends. Mary had her baby first  on April 14th in 1999, and named her Clarke after her mother who passed away. I was born a few months later on August 27th 1999 and as you already know my mother named me Josie for no special reason. As you can probably guess I do not remember most of young life but I do know from pictures that Clark and I spent a lot of time together. Most of the pictures of us are from out trips to the beach which we take yearly still to this day. Let's see… the earliest memory I have of Clark and I is probably when we were about 8 years old and playing dumb made up games. That memory however is too foggy to remember every detail especially that special feeling we are talking about. So let’s leap a few more years later.

Now this memory I remember very well we had to be at least 11 years old  and we were at Clark’s house for the weekend. It was in the summertime because I remember it being hot outside so we stayed inside and watched a movie. I remember the weird part was that we watched it under her bed because we were small enough to fit under it. This was the first time I felt this feeling at the time I couldn't explain because I didn't know what it was at this age. As we watched the movie we laughed tried to eat snacks without choking which was basically impossible. But after that feeling appeared that one time it appeared every time we were together after that, sometimes it was subtle, other times it was more intense than I could handle. 

Now let me try to explain this feeling as best I can. Lets see… It’s scary and exciting and it kind of makes me want to scream, and sometimes I’m not sure if it’s because I want to die or I’ve never felt so alive. It’s a feeling like my puzzle pieces are being matched, and the whole picture is coming together; like all the holes I have in who I am are being filled in. They make me live outside my head– living, rather than thinking. Also mix in that you heart beats so fast that you see your chest moving and feel the pounding throughout your whole body. But you have to fight to hide it because you know you should and you don't want her to know this feeling is happening because you don't know what it means and you don't want it to scare her. 

It wasn't until I was 17 that i truly figured out what this feeling truly was it was love and not the “Oh i love you like family” love it was the im so in love with you I might die kinda love but I pushed it down so much that it has basically disappeared. I pushed it down so much because it was scary on so many levels, like she was family i called her my cousin, she was a girl, (which meant that I was gay which i had already known for a while but thsi confirmed it), and I didn't know if she felt the same way. But the realization of this being love explained so much of how I would react around her like when she had a boyfriend I would feel jealous and angry and when I was around her I just automatically felt my mood change and become better. However no matter how I felt I didn't want to ruin the relationship we had even if it wasn't the one I truly wanted, so I hid the feelings still. 

Now 20 years old these feelings are still present and are getting stronger because as it turns out Clark is also gay and so am I and now here we are. We see each other only once a year during Christmas and sometimes in the summer. Every time I see her my heart beats as if it were about to explode from an overload of adrenaline but I have to stop it and hid it all. I don't know if she feels the same way or if she can tell that i feel this way.The most important question is do i tell her or do I keep to myself till maybe she tells me about her feelings if she has any. However she could be thinking the same thing and wait for me but I never say anything and she never says anything then we both never know about each other and we suffer in silence for the rest of our lives, wondering what if I told her.