#and like. okay i think with a live action movie they could do colorblind casting

[deerdeardarling]

Im probably the only one who would want this- but I'd be okay with a live action* Ever After High

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Michael in the Mainstream: Artemis Fowl

Since the early 2000s, Artemis Fowl has been languishing in development hell, and it really is a mystery as to why. The series has everything you could possibly want for a blockbuster young adult franchise: it’s a charming blend of science and fantasy with rich worldbuilding and mythology, it has enjoyable and even complex characters who go through great character arcs over the course of the series, it has an enjoyable major antagonist, an insufferable smug villain protagonist who goes through a stellar redemption arc over the course of the series, and tons of crazy heists that combine scheming and fairy magic. There was no reason this couldn’t have existed as a competitor to the Harry Potter series, but alas, it was not to be. The young adult fantasy franchise languished for decades in development hell, until finally Disney pulled it out and put Kenneth Branagh at the helm. Finally, we were going to get the Artemis Fowl adaptation we deserved!

Except we didn’t.

Artemis Fowl is legitimately one of the worst adaptations of any work of fiction ever. It has been held up alongside The Last Airbender and The Lightning Thief as part of the Unholy Trinity of terrible adaptations, and I’m not even going to try and pretend that this “Honor” isn’t well and truly earned. This film is an utterly abominable bastardization of the beloved franchise, to the point where this feels like an entirely different story that had familiar names slapped on it at the last second. If you want to know what horrific extents this film has butchered the story and characters, read onward, but there’s no way I’m going to pretend this film isn’t awful right off the bat.

There is literally nothing in this film that works. Nothing at all. Starting from the opening scene, the establishing shots, you can tell things are wrong – there are news people around Fowl Manor? Mulch is being interrogated? What is going on? The film from the word go is simply making one thing absolutely and abundantly clear: this is not the Artemis Fowl you know. The film goes out of its way to do the opposite of the franchise, merely using names and vague concepts in an attempt to sucker fans into watching it. Butler’s first name, an emotional reveal from the third book, is common knowledge; Opal Koboi, a cunning and threatening major villain who was the antagonist for almost every novel starting with the second, is here reduced to basically a personification of the voice on the phone from Scream; Root, once a short-tempered man who was hard on Holly as a method of tough love to push her to be the very best LEP had to offer to prove women belonged on the force, is here a woman who, while just as angry as ever, robs Holly of a major part of her arc and reduces her to plucky female sidekick. And even outside of that, as its own thing, the movie is just utterly incomprehensible. The story is rushed and confusing, with lots of exposition and action but with no context or cohesion. Things happen and things go from scene to scene, but none of it makes any sort of sense. A character will switch allegiances within a few minutes, characters will somehow find a way to survive deadly attacks offscreen… the worst offender is a character death they try to push off as emotional, despite there being no reason to care for this character, and when all hope seems lost, a deus ex machina saves the day! My wife, who is unfamiliar with the series, and I, a huge fan, both struggled to figure out what was going on at any given point; the movie is really that bad at communicating what is happening, which is even more baffling because the film is a pathetic hour and a half in length, a distressingly short amount of time to establish a new science-fantasy franchise of this scale.

The characters are almost all terrible. Artemis is the standout with how awful he is; no longer the cunning criminal masterminds of the book, Artemis here is more of a somewhat smug little brat who is overly emotional and, worst of all, NICE. He’s so nice in fact that by the end of the film he has managed to speedrun his character development and arcs with Mulch and Holly, who consider him their close friend and ally. Butler is pretty bad here as well, mostly because he is given almost nothing to do and is seemingly only there because he was in the book. In fact, his crowning moment – when he took on the troll – is instead given to Artemis and even Holly, with Butler ending up severely injured. It’s a bit nasty that they changed Butler to be black and then had his (white) master steal his greatest moment; it’s giving me flashbacks to Kazaam. Opal is hit pretty bad as well; being made the big bad of this loose adaptation of the first book’s plot – which is amusingly one of the few books she had absolutely no role in – wouldn’t be so rough if she was more of a presence and not just some vague, hooded figure who threatens Artemis over the phone and generally does nothing to warrant being an adaptation of the baddest bitch in the series. She’s rather ineffectual and they even try and give her a sort of sympathetic motivation, one where she resents humans for pushing her kind underground. It really is a disgusting waste of a character who could easily rival heavy hitters like Voldemort in the awesome and theatrically evil department.

Holly is almost okay, but her entire arc and a big chunk of her narrative purpose is robbed by making Commander Root a woman. Root, played by Judi Dench, is honestly one of the better characters since Dench has Root dropping lines like “Top o’ the morning to ya” with gravelly deadpan seriousness which makes the character unintentionally hilarious, but the cheap laughs don’t really make up for butchering the story of one of fiction’s finest ladies. As a side note, they have made Holly 100% white despite her skin being described as nut brown rather frequently in the book, and the now white Holly together with Artemis steal away Butler’s biggest moment. And that’s not even getting into how they neutered Juliet, who has also been race lifted but was turned into a child who barely appeared in the film. I’m not usually one to toss about racism accusations, but there’s a lot of red flags here that Branagh’s usual colorblind casting just doesn’t excuse.

The most consistently enjoyable performance is Josh Gad’s as Mulch. From the moment he was cast, I knew he’d do a good job and capture the spirit of the character, and he does! ...sort of. The decision to have Mulch be a giant dwarf and narrate the story in a crappy Batman impression while also violating literally the most important law of fairy culture (don’t tell the humans anything about us) by spilling the beans to M16 is unbearably stupid, and a lot of his jokes are just relentlessly unfunny. But I think that Gad does leak a bit of that Mulch charm at a few points, and it’s apparent he at least somewhat gets his character, which is not something that can be said for anyone else in this film. Sadly, much like his standout performance as Lefou in the live action Beauty and the Beast, he can’t possibly save the trainwreck of a film he’s in.

I guess I’m not entirely surprised by this film. I mean, a lot of quality young adult literature from the past two decades has been horrifically mangled in the wake of Harry Potter – Inkheart, The Golden Compass, The Lightning Thief, Ender’s Game, and Eragon – so this movie really isn’t an anomaly. But it is the culmination of a horrible trend. This is the zenith of horrible young adult adaptations, or perhaps I should say the nadir of adaptations as a whole? For all the flak I could give those other adaptations, on some fundamental level they still understood something about the source material. Ender’s Game still understood it could not erase the ending where children are revealed to be being conscripted to perform the ethnic cleansing of an alien race. Eragon couldn’t completely ruin Saphira, try as it might. The Lightning Thief… well, I mean, I guess the Medusa scene was mostly faithful. But Artemis Fowl? Artemis Fowl goes out of its way to be the opposite of its literary counterpart that there is no way to justify even saying it is based on the book by Eoin Colfer; it would be like having a movie about kids hanging out at the mall and doing mundane stuff, except they’re all named Jesus and Peter and Paul and then saying it’s based on the Bible. Just using names doesn’t mean anything, you actually have to use the themes and characterizations too, and this movie does none of that.

This movie is most comparable to The Emoji Movie. Neither of these works really deserve to be called a “Film” since they are basically whatever it is they’re trying so desperately to be stripped down to the bare essentials. The Emoji Movie is the most basic, by-the-numbers animated adventure film with a “be yourself” message you could ever hope to see, with a story so absolutely basic that just watching the trailer will allow you to predict the every motion of the plot. Artemis Fowl on the other hand is the most cliche-ridden fantasy epic franchise-starter you could imagine, and that’s if you’re able to penetrate the ridiculously dense and cluttered story and are able to make sense of what’s going on. I can think of absolutely no one this film could ever appeal to. There’s not a single redeeming thing about it. The movie is flashy, trashy junk that should never have been released, and Disney honestly did the right thing by releasing this on their streaming service because it would be outright disgusting to charge movie ticket prices for this tripe. The fact Disney has more faith in the eternally-delayed New Mutants theatrically speaks volumes about the quality of this film.

I can’t in good conscious say that this is the worst film of all time. F4ntastic is probably a much worse butchering of characters than this film; Disaster Movie is much more horrendously offensive and unfunny than this; hell, Chicken Little is probably a worse Disney movie because as awful as everyone in this film is, at least they aren’t Buck Cluck! But I don’t think there’s a single movie I hate more than this one. Lucy can finally move over and sleep easy knowing that the fact it’s not based on a pre-existing work has finally saved it from the #1 spot on my worst list; Artemis Fowl is now the reigning champ. Kenneth Branagh should be ashamed of himself for making and releasing this (and doubly ashamed for having the gall to unironically compare his slaughtering of Artemis Fowl’s character to Michael Corleone), Disney should be shamed for putting more money into this film than they did into BLM charities, and I hope that Eoin Colfer finds whatever he was paid worth it to see his greatest creation butchered and disrespected like this.

[professor-riddikulus]

Craigslist - Ch3

Summary: James and Sirius are looking for a roommate for their Los Angeles house - Remus has just moved from Dublin needs a place to rent while he goes to graduate school. One Craigslist ad later, the three of them find themselves living together and shit is bound to get complicated. Featuring trans Remus and the wonder of Wolfstar.

Author’s Note: Sorry, sorry, sorry to have left anyone in suspense. I could give you tons of excuses for why this chapter took so long to write (working three jobs, finally coming out to my parents etc) but there’s also just the fact that this one didn’t want to be written. There are a lot of voices in this chapter and they spent most of the time talking over one another in my head. Anyway, enjoy this mess of a chapter, in which Remus meets the other queers that make up this motley crew, everyone gets blisters from Ikea construction, and someone is pushed in the pool. I should also mention that Remus’ experience of his gender is based on my own gender journey™ and does not speak for every trans guy etc. etc. Onwards!

You can also read this story on Ao3 or FF.net :)

Lily E: So you want me to come over to the mansion for a party? Me: I told you, we're building furniture, it isn't like it's going to be a star-studded affair. Lily E: I don't know about that, James is going to be there right? Me: Yeah but Lily... Lily E: Okay okay. You want me to bring coffee? I'll pick up Mary on the way for some more backup. Me: Am I even breathing? Of course I want coffee. She's the one that I met at the department welcome party right? Lily E: Yeah. She lives like a block away from me so we see each other all the time. Me: I really liked her. Lily E: We'll see you at 2! :)

In the morning, I tiptoed downstairs before either James or Sirius woke up so that I had time to shower and get changed without having to put on my binder again on the way down. After cleaning up, I pushed my suitcases to the side of the pool house, trying to make room for the boxes of furniture that the Ikea guys would be bringing. Sirius and James said that we could build out on the patio so that we'd have more room and then we'd carry everything into my space to set it up. That way everyone could work and hang out in the same area. It only took a minute or so to get everything out of the way, so I wandered into the main house to watch TV and make coffee and hopefully have a few minutes of relaxation before the backyard was inundated with cardboard and spare screws.

Sirius was even awake before noon, if people were going to coming over, he would get up early (apparently 11:30 am was early for him) so that he had time to make sure his hair was washed, blow dryed, and presentable for the company. James assured me that this was normal for him, that it was part of his routine. I tried my utmost not to laugh at this but (unsurprisingly) did not succeed.

"I know, I know," James said, running a hand through that crazy hair of his, "Sirius is, well, he's a bit extra."

I raised my eyebrows and James folded, "Okay he's absolutely ridiculous. But he means well."

“What does it say about you that you’re his best mate?”

James shrugged, “That I have a heart of gold and can’t resist a basket-case?”

“Takes one to know one.”

“Very rude thing to say Lupin. And to think we took you in.”

“Took me in? I am paying rent you know, I’m not a lost puppy.”

James shrugged and busied himself pouring milk into his coffee.

I continued, "I mean Sirius does have really nice hair...both of you do. Actually I was wondering if it's a requirement for living in the house...?"

"Don't worry, your hair is passable enough for you to stay."

"You don't think I could use a new conditioner?"

James leaned against the counter of the kitchen, his long lanky body stretched out like a lazy cat. He was wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with the name of the NPR radio station that he worked for and a set of old sweatpants that looked like they’d been turned soft with over-wear. His glasses kept sliding down his nose a bit as he spoke and he hesitated, perhaps not sure whether to use the hand not holding his coffee mug to push them back up or to continuously muss up his own hair. He was, objectively, quite handsome in that annoying I’m-not-even-trying-this-is-how-I-woke-up fashion I never seemed to pull off. I tried not to blame this on him. "I mean I think maybe Sirius has some extra moroccan argan oil that you could borrow."

"What even is that?!"

"I honestly have no idea," James sipped from his coffee mug nonchalantly, "Something that Sirius puts in his hair once a week and then wraps it up in a towel so he looks exactly like some basic white girl who just got out of the spa."

"I'm really looking forward to seeing that."

"Ugh I don't know why. I can’t unsee it"

I pulled a shot from the espresso machine at the counter and grabbed some almond milk from the fridge. Once the coffee was made, I perched myself on one of the bar stools near the enormous kitchen island.

"So what time is the furniture coming?"

"Around 2 this afternoon. Did you guys get in contact with your friends?"

"Yeah Marlene and Dorcas are coming over around 3 after Dorcas finishes practice for the day."

"Practice?"

"She works for the Galaxy and she's there for their practices and stuff. Used to be a soccer player in college."

"They really didn't have to come over to build my furniture."

"Is this going to be a thing with you?" James looked smug, "You know, like you're always going to be saying that people don't have to do things for you?"

"What? I--"

"Anyway chances are Sirius is going to put the legs on the wrong side of your bed and fuck the whole thing up or something so don’t thank anyone just yet."

I grinned at him, "He does seem pretty confident about his building skills for someone that didn't even know Ikea existed."

James rolled his eyes and sighed, "Yeah well he's confident about everything isn't he?"

______

By two in the afternoon James and I had settled into comfortable silence, each tapping away on our computers while old 30 Rock episodes played in the background and we waited for the Ikea guys to arrive. Sirius emerged from upstairs in a cloud of steam and cologne. His hair was, after all the discussion between James and I, looking perfect -- like he had somehow managed to make it silky, smooth, shiny and healthy without making any effort at all. He actually flipped it as he descended the stairs and James rolled his eyes at his computer without even looking up.

“Sirius you’re the gayest fuck I’ve ever seen.”

Sirius laughed, “Watching a lot of gays fuck recently James?”

“Yeah right! Your friend Evans is coming over today right Remus?”

I narrowed my eyes at him, “I don’t see why that’s relevant James.”

Sirius saw me and threw himself down on the couch next to me, I shook my head at him. "You smell nice."

"I know." The cheeky bastard winked at me.

James tapped out a text on his phone, "Don't compliment him Remus, he's already got more self-confidence than is normal for several people."

Sirius grinned, "Turns out I have enough talent for several people too so it actually works out perfectly."

"Talent," I said, "talent doing what?"

"Wouldn't you like to know."

I must have blushed bright red because James couldn't stop laughing.

“Can you fucking stop Sirius?! You’re going to give him a goddamn heart attack and we finally found someone sane to live in the pool house.”

I was going to protest this, I didn’t need James coming to my rescue and I’d be happy to put Sirius in his place myself, but before I had the chance to voice any of this the doorbell rang. Padfoot rocketed downstairs barking madly and Sirius threw himself over the back of the couch to run down the hall to the door as well. James, on the other hand, hadn’t moved at all, hadn’t even looked up from his phone screen.

"LESBIANS! THE LESBIANS ARE HERE," Sirius bellowed.

For a moment I wondered whether I should meet Marlene and Dorcas at the door or stay put but by the time I had decided to get up, Sirius' loud voice echoed down the hall "What the actual fuck? You're not our lesbians."

"No, we're not anyone's lesbians. Sirius this is Mary, Mary this is Remus’ mental new roommate. What have you done with Remus? Did you kill him already?"

Lily Evans appeared in the doorway to the hall looking as if she’d somehow captured the sunset, her long red hair shining, her bright green eyes flashing and in her hands, two large cups of coffee. I'd never seen anything more beautiful. She set her bag down on the kitchen island and as she did, her eyes fell on the La Marzocco in the corner.

"You didn't tell me that you had an espresso machine here Remus."

Oh, she was angry. "I mean, erm, I didn’t realized that I did until this morning."

"So why did I stop and get coffee?"

"Because, you love me and value our friendship?"

She pushed the cup into my hand a bit roughly but laughed anyway, "God knows why I do. You're nothing but trouble."

Mary walked into the room closely followed by Sirius, who was already trading hair-care secrets with her. She was shorter than Lily by a bit, with a heart shaped face, large soft eyes, and short dark hair with straight bangs. We’d met once before at the departmental mixer that was meant to entice visiting prospective students to attend USC. Since we both studied film, Lily had gotten us talking and we’d spent the better part of the party debating the best superhero movies, the idiocy of colorblind casting, and whether or not live-action movie remakes of anime were always doomed to fail. Today she was wearing an oversized button down shirt and leggings and smiling from ear to ear as she humored Sirius. "Yeah,” he said, “but I use the coconut oil in the summer when it gets hotter 'cause my hair tends to get more brittle around then."

Mary smiled at me, "Hey Remus."

I hugged her, she smelled like rosewater, "Thanks for coming. I know this isn't probably the most exciting social event that you've ever been invited to."

Mary shrugged, "Well it was either this or read and annotate another book of theory that I should have started much much earlier in the summer so, at least building furniture includes good company and free food.”

“Yeah,” Sirius snapped in front of James’ eyes, since he was unabashedly staring at Lily, “James order that pizza.”

The doorbell rang again.

I let the Ikea guys around the back and had them stack all the boxes on the patio. I tipped them and by the time they’d left and I was back in the kitchen, everyone was grouped around the kitchen island looking over the pizza menu and arguing about the perfect toppings.

“No dumbass,” James was saying, “Dorcas is a vegetarian.”

Sirius giggled, and said in a whisper, “vag-itarian.”

Lily knocked him over the head with an open hand.

“What?! I’m allowed to say that. She’s my lesbian.”

“Pretty sure that I’m Dorcas’ lesbian, dog-breath.” A girl I assumed was Marlene was leaning against the back sliding door that I had left open. She had big blue eyes, black eyeliner so sharp that it was borderline dangerous, and blonde hair that cascaded over her shoulders and in gentle waves. She was willowy with long arms and legs and pale skin that made her bright red lipstick stand out even more. She was dressed in a old Ramones t-shirt that was once black but was now a faded grey and was tucked into high-waisted black jeans. My immediate impression was of a girl that had spent her whole life being the hot one, and with an entrance like this one, she might give Sirius a run for his money to win the award for most dramatic.

Behind her stood another girl with dark skin and incredibly curly hair that was shaved on the right side. She was a bit taller, with a gold septum piercing and a Los Angeles Galaxy t-shirt. She had a wide nose with a smattering of freckles across it and her cheeks, even a few dotted her full lips. She wrapped an arm around Marlene’s waist and smiled down at her, and when she spoke her voice was measured and reassuring, “You know we could have just come through the front door.”

“Sure,” Marlene smirked, “but look at their faces.”

Sirius ran over and grabbed Marlene, picking her up and spinning her around before she smacked him enough times that he put her down. Then he put his head between her breasts and she pushed him away.

“You fucking asshole,” she laughed, “You can’t get enough huh?”

Sirius turned to Dorcas as James greeted Marlene with a normal hug.

“You better be giving her so many orgasms.”

Dorcas raised her eyebrows, sizing up Sirius who was almost the same height as she was, “More than you did you big queer.”

James went around the room and introduced everyone, “Marlene, Dorcas this is Lily and Mary and that over there is Remus Lupin our new roommate and the one who is forcing us into slave labor this afternoon.”

I waved a bit half-heartedly. If I’m totally honest, I sometimes get a bit awkward around lesbians. It’s not a misogynist thing, they just tend to be able to spot gender-nonconformity better than gay guys or heteros. I think it must have something to do with the fact that butches are so accepted as a part of lesbian culture in the way that really femmey gay guys can sometimes be on the outs. It doesn’t really matter, I guess I’m just always nervous that they’re going to say something, out me in a way that will make other people notice what they may have overlooked before. Plus, I did spend quite a bit of time as a butch before I began transitioning. Sometimes I really miss being a part of that family.

Dorcas nodded at me, “Nice to meet you Remus. I hope these idiots haven’t given you too much trouble.”

“No,” I smiled, “But I’m sure they will.”

Marlene squealed, “Oh my god listen to that accent.” She crossed the distance between us in two short steps and just as I went to stick out my hand she swept me into a bone-crushing hug. I panicked and patted her awkwardly on the back of the shoulder. She smelled fresh, like clean laundry and lavender and some sharp citrus fruit that put me in mind of summer and elaborately fruity mixed drinks that disguised the amount of alcohol contained within. She let me go eventually, but only as far as her outstretched arms reached, which she had on my shoulders. She looked over at Dorcas and grinned.

“He’s fucking adorable. Can we keep him?”

Sirius laughed a booming bark of a laugh that sounded remarkably like Padfoot, “You can’t have him Marls, he’s mine...I mean you know, ours.”

A chorus of “Ohhhhhhhh” went up from James and Marlene and James winked obscenely at me while nudging Lily in the ribs (she looked less than thrilled about this, rubbing the spot in her side where James’ elbow had hit and looking put out). I extracted myself from Marlene just as Dorcas began to lead a chant of “Freudian slip, Freudian slip!” at Sirius. For the first time in the few days that I met him, embarrassment flit briefly across his face before he expertly replaced it with sassy defiance (apparently his go-to look).

“He should be so lucky,” Sirius gestured to his body, “to have all of this. But you know I’m a free spirit, uncagable, unflappable, uncomparable.”

“Incomparable,” Mary offered, “you can’t just make up words.”

“Oh Mary darling,” Marlene offered, “Sirius does whatever the heck he wants, literally all the time.”

“And the world, is better off for it.” Sirius supplied, “Now it seems to me that we’re all just fucking staring at one another when we should be staring at one another while holding booze. James, order the damn pizza already.”

James got on the phone, muttering something about having Sirius’ credit card number memorized and once we were all supplied with beer or some ridiculously strong mixed drinks that Sirius had whipped up we trooped out to the backyard and divided the boxes up so that a group of two or three would tackle each piece of furniture. I smiled, sipping my beer, and thought vaguely that mixing alcohol and flat-pack furniture construction may not have been the smartest idea. If I had any luck, most of the bigger items would be finished before anyone got so intoxicated that they couldn’t decipher the instructions (which, after all, only had pictures and not written steps). Sirius and Lily started putting together the bed, James sat with Dorcas and Mary and began on the dresser and Marlene stood next to me staring at the pile in between large gulps of something with pineapple and rum in it.

“I should warn you,” Marlene stressed, “I consider myself far too beautiful to work up a sweat.” She laughed as she said it, and the way she cocked her head reminded me forcefully of the same gesture Sirius had made a few times already. The two of them really were a dynamic duo. It was as if the same being had been split into two queer people, one dark and the other light -- the yin and yang of overconfidence, stunning looks, and that weird borderland between charming and insufferable. I wasn’t sure whether she was being funny or trying to get out of helping or both? The comment disarmed me, and I didn’t exactly know how to answer this pronouncement. I settled for shuffling a bit back and forth from one foot to the other.

“Erm…”

She must have taken pity on me, “I am just kidding! Jesus you are new aren’t you? Okay, I’ll do my best to be a reasonable human for a bit and we can bring you into the kiddie pool one foot at a time.”

I must have looked as confused as I felt at this.

“We’re kind of a weird but dangerous gang,” she shrugged, looking out at an already squabbling Lily and Sirius, “it’d probably best if you don’t dive head first into it or you’ll catch the strange.”

“Don’t worry,” I assured her, “I’m good with strange.”

“Then you’re going to fit right in here. Now pick a box and let’s get all this heavy lifting over so we can drink for real.”

The building went largely without major incident. Sirius did accidently try to hammer his own thumb and at one point James put the legs on the wrong side of the desk but no one (either human or furniture) was seriously maimed or broken which was a triumph considering. It only took two hours to put together everything but the side tables and the shelves, which I was planning to do in front of the TV the next day. The back patio was scattered with discarded instructions, the odd screw or plastic piece that had seemed suspiciously extra, and piles upon piles of now empty cardboard boxes. The pizza was passed around, second and then third drinks were poured, and everyone was nicely buzzed by the time the sun had started to creep down into the treeline and the warm summer breeze had cooled into a balmy and pleasant evening whisper.

Marlene and Dorcas turned out to be hilarious company. They struck a balance, Marlene flitting around and seemingly unable to stay on either one task or one topic for more than a few minutes at a time, Dorcas followed after, redirecting Marlene, teasing her, and largely keeping her as focused as possible. Marlene had a habit of leaning back against Dorcas whenever they stood near one another, so that Dorcas would wrap her arms around Marlene’s waist and this seemed to encapsulate their relationship as I observed it. Dorcas, a bit quieter, nevertheless was whip-sharp, with a sense of sarcasm that lashed hilariously but not maliciously out at James, Sirius, and Marlene in turn.

Sirius and Marlene, on the other hand, only seemed to dial one another up. They were waging a noisy and over-the-top war of the wills, trying to out-do one another in ridiculousness and shock value, which led to overly detailed jokes and jibes about one another's’ sex lives, fancifully extrapolated stories that got grander and more unbelievable as they were told, and at several points, all-out physical play-fighting which left both of them complaining about the other’s attacks on their hair.

I sat on the edge of the pool, jeans rolled up and toes swirling through the water. Lily was next to me, working on the same something that Marlene had been drinking earlier. I gathered that this pineapple concoction was one of Sirius’ specialties and accordingly, I had decided to stick with beer. Lily, on the other hand, was on either her fourth drink and I was about to suggest that she perhaps have a water or two before Sirius poured anything else for her to drink. However, he looked awfully busy -- he, Dorcas and James were trying to arrange the cardboard boxes into a fort, standing the long ones up and using the shorter ones as building blocks or mock furniture. Marlene was of course sabotaging the building, sneaking from side to side kicking over boxes while trying to avoid being swept up into the arms of her girlfriend.

Mary sat down on my other side, adding her feet to the water and gripping the edge of the pool with her hands. Lily looked up and smiled at her.

“Having fun Mary? You’re awfully quiet.”

Mary rolled her eyes, “I’m not sure how anyone could get much of a word in with those four around.”

“Yeah,” I agreed fondly, “they are a bit more than I’m used to.”

“The decibel level alone,” she stated, but with more edge to her voice, “it’s like looking after my three nephews, I’m exhausted. I don’t think I could ever live here if they’re like this all the time.”

Lily laughed, a golden sound that hung in the air before her, causing James to momentarily look away from his cardboard construction like a dog catching sight of a squirrel, “They are literally building a fort with boxes so perhaps the comparison isn’t entirely unfair.”

“I kind of like it,” I shrugged, “I can just sort of observe. Anyway, it’s nice that they don’t care about looking like utter pillocks. I miss being that care free.”

Lily nodded but Mary looked at me strangely, “But you’re so mature. I mean, I…” she blushed but soldiered on, “you seem like the kind of guy who prefers um...I don’t know...different company. More grown-up or intellectual company.”

Lily intervened, “I think Mary means you seem like an old soul.”

Mary nodded quickly, “Yeah, that’s one of the things I like most about you.”

This struck me as odd considering Mary and I hadn’t spent much time together at all. Sure, we’d got on well at the departmental event, but I didn’t think we’d spent enough time together for her to determine the age of my soul at all, or to make a list of things that she liked about me, marking ‘old soul’ as the most liked. I didn’t like what was happening here. She seemed to have decided that in some way she or I or maybe the both of us were above Sirius, James, Dorcas and Marlene. Why? Because they were loud and exuberant? I gazed back over at their makeshift fort, which they were now trying to get a roof on without knocking over the walls. Marlene had apparently given up her attack and was stretched out on one of the lounge chairs shouting directions which Sirius and James were studiously ignoring. Dorcas had gotten ahold of a fat marker and was drawing windows on the outside of the walls.

I smiled at Mary but inside I was feeling the beginnings of anger bubbling up in my gut. “Just because they’re loud and like to have a bit of a craic doesn’t mean they’re un-intellectual,” I snapped at her and she looked taken aback, “perhaps you should lighten up a bit Mary. It’s a drinking session not a seminar.”

I stood and withdrew my feet from the pool, walking away while trying to avoid looking back at what I’m sure would be Mary’s angry face. Where did she get off insulting my new roommates, my new friends? I was feeling oddly protective of these fools and their cardboard house and their stupid fruity drinks. Something in her undertone, something in the intellectual snobbery that turned me off from many of the graduate students I’d met in the past, something about a cis straight woman sneering down her nose at a group of queers. I knew that I was probably overreacting, it was probably partially the beer making my anger spike higher than it normally would have (I definitely felt it rush to my head as I stood from my place on the edge of the pool). But these weirdos had given me a place to live, had already made me feel at home, accepted, one of the gang as Marlene put it.

It was a short skip from thinking you’re smarter than someone to thinking you’re better than them. And another small jump to thinking you know what’s right for them. I shook my head attempting to clear it. Poor Lily, she was going to have to do some damage control with Mary but, I reminded myself, she’d been the one to bring her in the first place. I walked over to James, who had finally got the roof to stay and was standing back from the fort admiring his handiwork.

“Well done mate.” I grinned at him, forcing myself to leave the unpleasantness of Mary’s jugement behind, “Now I’ll have somewhere to live for that rent I’m paying you.”

“Are you kidding Lupin? You couldn’t afford this place. We’re going to be listing this masterpiece on Craigslist for double what you’re paying for that hovel of a pool-house.”

Sirius poked his head out from the inside of the fort, his hair sticking out of its bun at all angles, “Bullshit! There’s no way I’m letting anyone else live here! This is my damn castle. I just finished the throne for christsakes.”

“Permission to enter, your highness?” I bowed low.

Marlene laughed from her chair and hollered at me, “I imagine he’s been asked that a few hundred times before!”

Sirius shot her a scathing look before nodding at me in mock solemnity and affecting an over-the-top British accent that likely would have sent Lily into a rage, “Permission granted my good sir, do watch your head.”

The inside of the fort was a bit stuffy and unsurprisingly smelled overwhelmingly of slightly damp cardboard as a few of the boxes had drinks or pool water splashed upon them in the construction of the fort. It was dark and in the fading sunset light filtering in from outside I could just make out the stack of smaller boxes that Sirius had arranged to create a kind of weird chair. It didn’t look like it was going to support his weight but it was decorated with some of the leftover hardware from the building which caught the light and glinted silver.

“Allow me,” Sirius continued in his accent, “to give you the royal tour.”

“Carry on, my liege.” I laughed.

“Over here,” he gestured to one corner of the fort, “you’ll find the grand reception hall where the lords and ladies gather to shower their king with gifts, affection and compliments.”

“As well they should, your highness,” I supplied, trying to suppress a giggle.

“And here is of course, the royal throne. Perfectly constructed to flatter the royal behind, which is of course the king’s most valuable asset.”

“Asset?” I laughed, breaking character, “Really?!”

“Don’t sass me Lupin.” Sirius barked, “a royal must be both mentally and physically a paragon of beauty and class.”

“Wait but I thought you said you were the king?”

Sirius looked scandalized, and clutched a hand to his chest. “You wound me, mortally. How dare you speak such to your king?!”

“Well I don’t know how you got to be king, I didn’t vote for you.”

“TREASON.” Sirius yelled, “TREASONOUS SLIME. GUARDS!”

Dorcas’ head looked around the side of the entrance to the fort.

“What are you screaming about you fuckwad?”

“THIS PEASANT HAS DARED TO QUESTION MY ROYAL LEGITIMACY!” Sirius pointed at me accusingly and I saw a flash of mischief in Dorcas’ eye that I didn’t like the look of, “OFF WITH HIS HEAD CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD.”

Dorcas looked mock-seriously at me, “Did you, sir, question the legitimacy of our lord and savior, king of the box-fort and royal jackass, Sirius Alastair Gerald George Harold Anthony Black the Third of his name?!” I marveled that she was able to come up with so many middle names at the drop of a hat and then briefly wondered whether Sirius didn’t actually have several middle names. Maybe that was his actual name? Impossible.

“I did!” I pronounced defiantly, “And I shall continue to do so! Liberty for the people!” I thrust my fist into the air at the same time James pushed one of the walls in on me, resulting in a mess of cardboard and limbs. Somehow in the confusion, James and Dorcas managed to each grab one of my arms, shouting things like “Traitor!” and “Death to the rebellion!” and “Long live King Sirius!” I found myself extracted from the remains of cardboard castle and frog-marched to the edge of the pool. It only then dawned on me that perhaps I should have thought through my rebellion before committing to the cause. But it was too late to turn back now.

“End the monarchy!” I cried, trying to push back against my captors and get a foothold on the slippery wet edge of the pool, “We shall not be enslaved by tyrants!” I caught sight of Lily and Mary, still sitting where I had left them, both looking incredulous and confused at the pandemonium issuing from our end of the pool. Dorcas laughed until she was tearing up and Marlene shouted from her place behind us, “END HIM MY KING!”

James turned, struggling to keep a hold on my right arm and looked straight at Sirius. I twisted around to look at him too. He was drawn up to his full height, having extracted himself from the ruins of his cardboard castle and he looked down his nose at me in mock-disgust, his haughty cheekbones and strong brow making him momentarily look truly like the royalty he was pretending to be and he extended his thumb sideways before rotating it to point down. It was only a half a second later that I was hitting the surface of the water, the screams of triumph echoing behind me as Marlene, Dorcas, and James yelled “LONG LIVE THE KING.”

At least, I thought, emerging to the surface sopping and laughing so hard I didn’t think I’d be able to stay above the surface of the water, at least Mary had taken the brunt of the splash.