#and like. maybe it’s time to make an appointment for a more gender oriented approach to this. maybe going on t would fix me.

[hetchdrive]

awake again and you’ll never guess why 🙃

[winterscaptain]

a horrible first.

Aaron Hotchner x Gender Neutral Reader a joyful future fic

a/n: this takes place during rite of passage, where the unsub is the cop committing murder of undocumented immigrants crossing the border. we pick up right at the end, at the quasi-standoff in the desert. let me know what you think and i hope you enjoy it!! 

words: 1.3k warnings: language, canon-typical violence and death, reader shoots and kills the unsub, mild dissociative symptoms following trauma, nothing too horribly graphic

summary:  “the true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.” ― g.k. chesterton. au!march 2010

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You brace yourself for a screaming stop in the SUV, immediately following Aaron to cover as Boyd flies out of the decrepit structure on an ATV, firing an automatic weapon of some kind. 

You take a shot.

Time seems to slow as you watch Boyd go down, tzhe innocuous red dot in the middle of his forehead beginning to weep even before he hits the ground. 

Derek fires his rifle from inside the car, but the deed is done. Boyd’s dead. 

Aaron raises his head. If you had your wits about you, you’d see him counting off, making sure all of you are there. “You all right?” 

“Yeah!” Morgan shouts as he leaves the car, but you’re stuck in place. 

“No!” Emily immediately answers, turning on Derek. “Are you out of your mind? You blew out my eardrum.”

Aaron’s been there - the ringing is damn near unbearable. 

“What did you want me to do? He was coming right at us!” 

“I told you I had him.” She’s holding both hands over her ears, but you’re sure that’s not the only reason Derek’s raising his voice. 

“He was shooting at us, Emily.” 

“Well, you could have given me a heads-up!” 

“The loaded MP-5 and the lunatic shooting at us wasn't enough? Come on.”

Aaron lets them bicker, but notices something odd. 

You haven’t moved. You’re staring at Boyd’s body, your service weapon still in your shaking hand, your breath shallow. 

He approaches you slowly from the side, extending a hand toward your gun. He says your name quietly, but you can’t hear him. He repeats himself and you startle as he gets a little closer. 

He’s not as brave as you were when you pulled him off Foyet. He’s almost afraid to touch you, afraid you’ll hurt yourself or draw away from him. 

The look on your face also scares him - it’s simultaneously blank and absolutely horrified. For a moment, he thinks back and realizes, with a little bit of shock, that he knows what it is.

You’ve never shot to kill before. 

“Hey hey hey,” he says, his voice barely more than a whisper. He places a hand over the barrel of your gun. “Give that to me, okay?” 

Another voice echoes in front of you. It’s Derek, who’s reached Boyd’s body. “Great shot, kid! Right between the eyes on a moving target. They teach you that at the academy?”

You let Aaron take your weapon from your hand, blinking a couple of times. He flips the safety and tucks it into his pants at his lower back, keeping his hands free.

Derek catches on, turning around and sobering. 

Aaron can feel the rest of the unit creep up behind him, but he waves them off. They take a few steps back, watching with bated breath. 

They all remember the first time they shot an unsub, their first kills in the field. A horrible, wretched first. 

“Can you take a step back toward me?” Aaron asks.

You take a step back and trip, stumbling over your feet. 

Aaron’s there to catch you under your arms, pulling you close. All at once, the levee breaks and you let out a sob, turning into him for refuge. 

He closes his eyes and wraps around you. “It’s okay. You’re okay. You did the right thing. It’s okay.” He huffs, and it’s almost a laugh. “That was a really good shot.”  

You clutch his vest, your arms locked around his waist. He keeps whispering to you as the crime scene techs arrive and start their work, shielding you with his body. 

+++

You sleep on the plane home. Aaron sits across from you, working on the after-action report on your behalf. He looks up every couple of minutes as if he’s afraid you’ve disappeared in the time between his last check-in and that moment. 

Derek, Spencer, and Emily watch him watch you. 

“That sucks,” Emily says. “My first hit me hard, too, I think, but like… days later.” 

Derek nods. “Yeah. It’s a shitty first, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. I’m glad Hotch is over there. Probably the best person for this kind of thing.”

“Best person for the kid, too,” Dave says. Derek and Spencer frown. 

Dave continues, clarifying, “Every one of us has someone we prefer when the day gets hard, whether we know it or not. Anchors, if you will. Good to have.” He looks over at the two of you again and doesn’t elaborate further. 

You stir, and when you open your eyes, there’s a fresh glass of cold water next to you on the little side table. You take it gratefully, taking a couple of sips.

Aaron watches you orient yourself, check the time, and start your search for your report. 

“I’ve got it here,” he says, offering it to you. “You have a bit more to do, and I have to keep your gun until all the paperwork goes through - protocol for use of lethal force with a firearm. It’s a simple review, no need to worry.” 

You nod, taking it and thumbing through the extra pages in the back. You’ll probably ask Derek about the best way to fill them out. 

Could ask Aaron, too. 

Hotch. 

Ask Hotch. 

“How should I fill these out? 

He takes a second, interrupting his own reply to stand and promptly plop himself in the seat beside you. “First things first - tell the truth. You did the right thing and nobody in their right mind will dispute that.” 

“Thanks.” 

The shadow of a smile passes across his face. “You’re lucky - this is cut and dry. Not all of us get a dirty cop on an ATV wielding an MP-5 for our first review.” 

“Lucky?” You sound skeptical, at best. 

His mouth quirks. “I know. Poor choice of words. You’ll probably have some rough nights. Do you want me to set up an appointment with the psychologist? The unit technically has one on retainer but -” 

“You never use them because you’d rather hold all your emotions right there -” You poke his chest “- until you die?” 

 The little smile appears again. “You been listening to Haley again?” 

“What, from beyond the grave? You bet. So, watch your ass, Hotchner.” 

He shakes his head. “I’ll be sure to do that.” He sobers, his eyebrows pinching in an adorable look of concern. “But really, if you want…” 

“That might be nice, actually. To talk to someone.” 

“And you know you can always come to me, right?” 

You nod. “Of course.” 

The dull hum of the plane fills the silence between you for a little while. 

“I was really scared, Hotch.” 

He resumes his listening posture, leaning on his elbow with his fingers laced together. 

“It all happened so slow - and so fast? - at the same time. I don’t know. He just… He went down and I was so afraid that he’d shot Derek or Emily I mean -” You take a breath. “I heard the gunfire behind me and the glass breaking and I just didn't want to turn around and find them dead you know?”

“Yeah,” Aaron whispers. “I know.” 

“I was so stuck that I didn’t even realize Derek was talking to me - he was right in front of me and I couldn’t see him. And then I started thinking about Boyd and all that hate and…”

You trail off, unable to continue with any degree of coherency, so you ask a question instead. 

“Is it always this hard? Does it get easier?” 

Aaron wavers for a minute. “Yes and no. It’s never ideal - you know you’ve made a mistake when you have to use lethal force, but you get more confident about making the right call in those situations as you see more of them. You’ve been with us for two years - I’m - No.” 

He stops and his brow crumples. 

“I was going to say I’m surprised you made it this far, but I’m not. I’m impressed. And proud. It took a dirty cop on an ATV -” 

“Wielding an MP-5?” You finish for him. 

“Yeah. It took that much for you to pull your trigger with any lethal intent, and even then you didn’t want to. The entire way you were talking about a de-escalation strategy - don’t think I didn’t hear you.” 

A flicker of warmth blossoms in your chest and maybe, just maybe, you feel a little better.

+++ 

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[jessica-read]

Jess walked up from the beach after an afternoon of swimming and enjoying the sun on a spectacular and secluded beach in Sa Coma, on the east coast of Majorca. She was proud of her looks and the stunning English woman on holiday had gotten her share of cat-calls in the town and decidedly favorable looks from the men who walked past as she read her book and occasionally checked her email to be sure all was well back home. She also garnered friendly smiles from several women and decidedly frostier looks from women who seemed nonplussed at their men's obvious attraction to her sensual curves.

She arrived at her hotel after a 5 minute walk along the perfectly white sand, made herself a reservation for dinner at a nearby restaurant and then headed up to her room to wash away sunscreen in a luxurious sunken bathtub and make herself up before going out. Jess remembered the days when makeup was really not an option if she cared to be accepted in the world. Jess's flawlessly feminine face had come only after significant effort, for years, full makeup had been mandatory to cover her beard, and then with time, dozens of appointments for laser and electrolysis hair removal.

This evening however, she loved that she could apply those skills she'd learned for hiding an unwelcome part of herself, to rather lightly brighten and accentuate her feminine features. If Jess's work kept her from being as social as she would like, she had learned to be far more confident than in her past that her looks eased the path of the social time she did have.

In just a couple of minutes she had applied a translucent foundation, accentuated her eyes, opening them up, applied minimal blush and a brilliant shade of red for a classic, simple look. Satisfied, she adjusted her lingerie, a brand new white bridal set from Aubade, checked that her stockings were set just right and then donned a designer white dress covered with black polka dots, the skirt met the bodice a bit high, making for an appearance of even longer legs than she'd been blessed with. The tops of her white stockings were never at risk of exposure, her pretty bust was displayed to good effect, the dress's scoop neckline showed no hint of her balconette brassiere, which accentuated her bust beautifully without offering provocation.

Jess's hair had a natural wave, her hair fell about her shoulders, framing her face in shimmering golden brunette lock. Jess put in her brilliant pearl solitare earrings, clipped on a matching neclace and finished her outfit, picking up her small black clutch and stepping from her flats into 4" Louboutin heels. The red of the soles was a nice contrast to the red of her satin lipstick. She applied a touch of Coco Mademoiselle to her pulse points and enjoyed the sharp citrus oriental which blended well with her feminine scent.

Jess walked into the beautiful hotel lobby, built in solid stone with Venetian glass accents and the lingering scent of rich coffee over the waxed hardwood floors. Her heels clicked subtly against the dark wood and as she exited the front doors, she passed by a strikingly handsome man who was entering. Jess smiled shyly and then blushed prettily as the man briefly made eye contact and then took in her whole appearance, head to toe, failing to hide his obvious interest. He wore a dark blue suit over a brilliant white shirt. He was just shy of 6 feet tall, just an inch over Jess's height in her stilettos.

Walking the short distance to her restaurant, Jess wondered about her fellow guest at the luxury hotel. Clearly he was some sort of executive, however he must also be on holiday, as there is no industry on Majorca. She expected he must have noticed her flush, the flustered hitch in her stride as they passed. Jess had little experience of men. As a young girl who didn't understand how she came to be trapped in a boy's body, she had always been repulsed by the boys in her school talking crudely about girls. As she grew older and the boys conjectures and boasts turned to experience, Jess turned to books, school and music. She had begun to understand that she could not continue to live as a man and that it was possible to find another way. Those were some desperate years.

Jess's family wasn't accepting at first. In time, the slightly built girl did get to know a sensitive friend, Sadie, who shared her interest in history and the young woman was open to Jess's gender and she eventually asked Jess if she might think she was a girl? Initially shocked, and yet inwardly she felt an immediate relief that fir the first time she could remember, Jess felt seen, and no less by a woman as pretty as she hoped to be someday. They quickly became and remained fast friends and over the years as Sadie helped Jess gain a little understanding of the romance that happened between men and women. Sadie had a small crush on Jess, and accepted that as Jess came into her own, it was clear that she was attracted to men.

Jess did learn a little about romance from Sadie, the first thing was how it felt to have someone see you and care and she cherished that. As she confessed to Sadie that she was beginning to be attracted to a boy in their Junior year of high school, Jess realized a new thing in her young life. She had a strong desire to be cared for and her first crush was as strong as any young girl's. Jess and Sadie talked about what they might enjoy in a relationship, Sadie taught Jess how to kiss and they fumbled a little through the mechanics of how Jess might submit to her crush's attention if only he would notice her. Jess was flushed after their "lessons" and she realized that Sadie's attentions went a bit beyond teaching and she had to ask Sadie to stop as she knew she could never reciprocate the more experienced girl's affections. Sadie was crushed and yet each knowing the other had an entirely unrequited affection for someone unavailable, their friendship was not lessened.

As they went off to university, Jess had begun to occupy herself with plans to transition. They wound up at different schools, and their friendship remained strong and they would write to each other weekly. Jess did well in school and the summer after her senior year she had been on feminizing hormones for 3 years, she was now finally ready for her gender confirmation surgery. Because she'd been so fully occupied between studies and the demands of transition, she had had no time to explore relationships or casual romance. She had frequent enough suitors, and never the desire for reciprocating a man's interest. Remembering this past, Jess walked slowly and reflected that finally she felt fully ready for love and romance and realized that even more than her busy career, her shyness and inexperience kept her from seeking that.

What she had learned was to be intimate with herself. After so many years of feeling mostly disassociated from her body, a few months after her surgery, Jess had been laying in bed after watching a new romantic comedy, ready for sleep. That night she'd chosen one of her prettier nightgowns, a babydoll in silky taffeta and rolling to her stomach, her breasts feeling heavy under the weight of her body, still fresh from an earlier bath, she felt her nipples harden. The film had been silly, yet a few of it's moments had touched her more deeply and she'd felt both a slight tearing in her eyes and warmth in her vagina.

Now, laying in bed, feeling aroused again, she had rolled a bit to her side, lifted her hand to her breast and immediately felt a flood of warmth and a new tightness centered on her clitoris. She had reached down at first tentatively and touched herself there and in that moment, she'd felt something completely new. Jess proceeded to lay prone, her head tucked like a small bird's into her shoulder stroking herself through her silken underwear, then reaching inside to feel her wetness flowing.

After that night, she continued to explore. She did not find release, when she got to a certain excitement, she always found she began to lose control of her hands. She also didn't mind. What she had discovered was a deeper, more lasting pleasure than anything she'd even imagined and a small voice told her that what she craved most was to experience orgasm at the hands of a lover. She did, in any case, begin to understand her body, treasure her response and another part of her wondered how would she ever come to share this with a lover?

Arriving at her restaurant, Jess, was asked to sit at the bar as her table was ready. She sipped a celebratory glass of sharp, flinty sancerre. Her mood a bit wistful, wishing her first big holiday could be spent with a special beau. Just as that thought crossed her mind, the handsome gentleman from her hotel sat just down the bar from her. Surprised, she smiled and her smile was returned. Jess's heart skipped several beats ash she slightly panicked as the man stood and walked over to introduce himself, "Hello miss, I'm so glad to run across you so soon after seeing you in the hotel foyer!, I'm John Michaels, may I ask your name and maybe join you for a glass of wine?".

Once again surprised, Jess found herself nodding and she simply said "I'm Jess, I'd love to sit with you while they prepare my table". He ordered a chardonnay and asked what brought her to Majorca. Of course they were both taking solo holidays, both were early into challenging careers and celebrating important projects just finished. Jess was in a sense terrified and yet this also felt like the culmination of a long journey. Almost completely inexperienced, nonetheless here she was, enjoying a conversation with John; she felt attracted to him and was amazed that conversation just seemed to flow, and even the silences in their conversation felt comfortable.

The Maitre d’ approached and told Jess her table was ready. She looked to John and asked “would you like to join me for dinner?”. John replied enthusiastically “Yes, please.” and the Maitre d’ nodded and lead them to a table set for two.

Looking over their menus, they talked about the Spanish menu and quickly agreed on what to order and what they wanted to share in. That done and wine ordered, the settled in and John asked her “Would you tell me a bit about yourself?”

Jess sighed, smiled and replied “Sure, there’s not a whole lot to tell”, thinking to herself “and maybe more than he’ll want to hear”. She proceeded to relate her schooling, talked about her bookish tendencies, her hobbies and her new and satisfying career. They traded some thoughts on work life in the new millennium, John being easily 10 years older than Jess, had seen a bit more change in his professional life. They found a lot in common in their tastes for food, art and other leisure time and continued to talk over their first course.

As that was cleared, Jess decided it was time to let her companion know up front that she was not a cisgender woman. She knew too many men and women who’d been rejected for being trans and indirectly of the dangers of a romantic partner finding out someone was trans after the fact. With a gulp and a small frown she said “I should tell you something”. John was a perceptive guy and caught the change in her demeanor, wondering what news this beautiful woman was going to drop.

Jess started “Because I’m attracted to you, and you’ve been fairly clear in your interest in me, I feel I should share this up front. I’m quite flattered you like me and this can be a deal breaker for a lot of men so I want you to know that I’m a transgender woman. I don’t know if that is something I need to explain and I’m glad to if you want”.

John replied “Thank you for telling me and I can easily be clear, I’m completely enraptured already in who you are. I’m glad you told me and I’d like to assure you, you didn’t need to. I am not ambivalent to transition status, in that I’ve already decided I like you and that’s all I need to know. I hope you’ll feel free to share as little or as much additionally about transition as you wish.”

Jess felt an amazing wave of relief, worry over the need to navigate these disclosures wasn’t a small part of why she’d long avoided dating and she was deeply relieved that on her first time, it seemed to have gone so easily. She said “Ok, wow, I’m relieved and thank you for understanding, I have to say at the very least I was expecting to have to do some explaining. Let’s leave it at that for now and when and if we get more intimate, I’ll certainly want to share how my path got me to where we are today.”

The proceeded to eat a marvelous meal and talked about their lives, a little about families, a lot about university and work. They didn’t share a lot of exact interests or activities, and yet there were overlaps and Jess felt that they shared a certain sympatico which had warmed considerably after her disclosure. She was glad that he clearly didn’t warm to her the way she had seen some men had, clearly fantasizing about an exotic body. Perhaps even more, she was glad he hadn’t asked if she had had gender confirmation surgery. Jess was entirely surprised it had gone so smoothly. She’d talked to so many sexually active trans friends who’d had nightmarish experiences, she felt happy and a bit lucky tonight.

Having finished their dinner, John asked if he could walk Jess back to their hotel. Elated, she inclined her head, and smiled, assenting. They walked slowly, listening to the music ringing out from a nearby nightclub, the soft rhythm of small waves finding the white beach and the occasional night bird singing out. Pausing to call Jess's attention to the blanket of stars a-shimmer over their heads, John took her hand in his and said "Jessica, you are an amazing woman and I'm so glad we've met". Jess smiled, nodded her head and replied "Thank You kind sir, I have rarely felt much special except in negative ways, I feel you're too kind?".

At that, John gently pulled her to him, leaned down and slowly wrapping his arm behind her, pulled her close enough that her breasts touched his chest. He moved slowly and with deliberation, allowing her many slow moments to pull away. Jess's heart was racing and much as she could not believe this was happening, it also felt like finally turning the corner on a path encompassing a couple of decades. She met his eyes, nervously parted her lips and then looked down as he leaned over to kiss her.

Jess was shocked at the electricity she felt throughout her body as their lips met. A warmth built in her abdomen. John's tongue sought hers and she responded to her first kiss since experimenting with Sadie and the first time ever that she truly wanted the overture she was receiving. Their kiss lasted and developed more passion and soon Jess began to feel that warmth in her core expand both to a flush across her chest and a distinct throbbing and flow of weness under her lacy underthings.

Her new beaux's hands moved smoothly to her thigh and to cradle the back of her head, pulling her hps to him and gently easing her head back, he began to kiss all over her face and neck, gentle yet also firm and assertive. Just as Jess was certain she was ready to give in to this moment, John felt that in her response and now lifted his hand up her torso, feeling her curves, Jess realized he must be noting the outlines of her fancy knickers, suspender and brassiere. Johns hand stopped at the swell of her breasts and closed, controlling her body through the soft fabric and firm yielding flesh.

Jess gasped and sought his mouth with hers, her reservations swept aside, she craved being taken by this calmly assertive man, now it was her pelvis that sought out his, feeling his hardness, she mewed and turned her lips towards his, mewling a little as she did and reading her desire he returned his mouth to hers and began a kiss more passionate than the last. Now John's hand shifted from her head down her body to lift the hem of her dress where he caressed her over the top of her stocking and slowly moved up toward her center. Now Jess was completely overwhelmed, throwing caution to the wind she welcomed submission to this attractive, sensitive man.

And just as quickly they slowed as they heard a group of voices, both men and women approaching on the other side of a line of trees. Gently, John slowed and afraid for a moment, Jess found herself glad of the interruption. For all the desire she felt to give in to the moment, she didn't want others to see her in dishabille, even on a romantic dark night in the Spanish Med. Their passion momentarily cooled, Jess met John's eyes, pulling away a fraction, she also leaned in to kiss him affirmatively. She knew she was ready to submit to what this man wanted for them this evening. As they kissed, John took her hand again and then said to her "Can I take you back to your room, or mine?".

Jess hesitated a fraction as the butterflies moved up from her belly to her chest, and then hesitantly answered "Yes, let's go to mine, please". Still holding hands they walked back to the road and along it under brass lamps and palm trees and a deep black Mediteranean sky, studded with stars.

Crossing back through the entrance where they'd met, Jess felt yet another small realization, she'd already had so many firsts tonight, a first kiss in passion, a first romantic date, her first experience of someone taking her to a place of pleasure. Now she was walking into a hotel with a man she'd met that very evening, past the desk staff and concierge, almost unbearably conscious that these were witnesses to her crossing a threshold with a significance only she knew -- was likely to be the loss of her virginity.

Jess was conscious of blushing and had a moment of fear that all those people would see her redness. And then, as quickly, she let go. Jess was 24, an adult and had worked diligently for a dozen years to make this reality possible. Still, feeling the butterflies, she was determined to own this moment.

In the elevator, she pressed the button for her floor, the fifth and then moved closer to John and lifted her lips for another kiss. She certainly didn't feel fully confident, however she had learned in university and her career that when she knew she'd put in the work to be ready for a thing, then doubts were best dispelled by taking the single step.

At her floor, they stepped out together and she turned toward her room, slipped the key into the old door and turned the lock. John gently pushed the door open and let her lead the way where she turned on one light dim by the bed, then turned off all the others and stepped to him. John said "are you OK, do you want to make love tonight?". Jess nodded her head emphatically and said quietly yet firmly "Yes, I am, please".

John now sat on the bed and motioned for her to come to him, she slipped off her heels and offered her mouth to his which he took passionately. Once again, his tongue sought out hers, she now turned her hands to his strong shoulders, down over his body, steadying herself as she felt anything but steady inside. It was as if her usually steady center had been replaced by an uncertain landscape and she enjoyed using him as a new center for her gravity.

John now reached to Jess's back and found the zipper to her dress. Gently opening the fastening, he caressed her back and she again felt her core go liquid hot and held him tight to steady herself. As the field of black dots over white slid down her body to crumple about her legs, John gasped as if he had never seen as lovely a sight. Jess was aware also that against her lightly tanned skin, the pearls, the bridal-white lace lingerie was brilliant and framed her curves so well, she had no doubt she was desirable.

Once again he took her firmly in his hands, one on her left breast, another on her waist and felt her quiver at his touch, then gently guided her to sit beside him on the bed. John stoold and began to disrobe himself. His body was barely tanned as he removed his shirt. His physique was beautiful, reasonably chiseled and yet he did not look like a gym addict. Next he removed his shoes and socks, set them carefully away from the bed and then, unfastening his belt, stripped off his trousers and underwear togther.

Jess took in his body and was glad he was so handsome. She didn't require this, and at the same time, didn't mind, she also immediately took in that his penis was not small and was semi-erect, a little intimidated, she was also drawn to it, aching to discover what it would be like as they made love. She pulled back the coverlet and sheets and moved herself to lay on the bed on her side, making it clear she wanted him to now take the lead. He now moved beside her, moved her hand to her hip, kissed her hard and urged her to lay back for him.

Jess melted into the bed as she felt her first man move over her, his manhood hanging down to graze her hip as he placed a leg between hers to nudge her to slightly part them, making way for him. He traced his lips down to her breasts and kissed, taking them in his hands to let her know he considered the sensitive flesh to be his property and then pulled his thumbs up to lightly roll her already hard nipples, electrifying them and sending a jolt down to her pussy. Rubbing his now fully erect shaft aginst the mound between her legs, he returned to her mouth and took his ownership, penetrating her lips with his tongue. Jess's pelvis now rocked to meet his motions and for a while they simply kissed like that as she became more aroused by the moment. John brought her hand to his shaft now and let her feel its silken covered hardness, its weight and told her to stroke him. She complied eagerly and she realized that right then what she wanted most was for him to penetrate her.

John had a different plan. slowly pulling away he now knelt between her legs slipped his fingers under her lace white underwear, and, urging her to lift her hips, pulled the high waisted garment off and down her legs. He then brought his face to her mound and used his tongue and lips to begin teasing her into a place she had wanted and yet not fully imagined. John wandered over her flesh, nibbling here, probing there, seeking for her clitoris and finding it caressing her body with his hands as he drove her towards ecstasy with his mouth. He traced her suspender belt, up and down her stocking clad leg as Jess began to writhe and again, rock her hips to meet him. Now he added first one and then two fingers inside her, lightly exploring her wetness, learning her response before taking her the way they both knew she wanted and now urgently needed.

Jess could feel an orgasm was close. and wanting it, she also now wanted her lover to make her his by taking her as she had always imagined being taken by a lover. As if by command, he now rose and sat up to caress her breasts and look into her eyes. "Are you ready for me Jess?, may I take your virginity?". "Yes, please John" she said, "I can't believe this is happening and yes it's what I want". He took her head in his left hand, holding her by her long hair and then taking his shaft in his other hand, brought it to her entrance, which was slick with her arousal, he rubbed the head slowly into her, lubricating himself and a the same time bringing a gasp from her, followed by a quiet moan "Yes, oh John, please take me now" she said.

leaning forward, he now ran himself up and down over Jess's clitoris, making them both even more ready and then let himself slowly into her. He held himself back a bit, watching her closely as he filled her a little at a time and seeing that she winced a little and then moaned again in deep pleasure, he finished filling her. Now John slowly stroked inside Jess, taking pleasure as she parted her legs farther and made room for him to take her more deeply, her white stockings against his skin and then her breasts being lightly crushed as he lowered himself to embrace her tightly and began to thrust harder. Jess moaned and was vaguely aware of her gladness that the walls were stone and anyone in an adjacent room would be unlikely to hear her ecstacy. As he felt her arousal build, he continued to penetrate her deeply, faster, slower, more or less deeply yet always insistent on seeking pleasure for both of them.

Soon Jess felt an inevitable climax upon her. Lost from any sense of control, completely wrapped up in this beautiful man taking her for both his pleasure and hers, she now began to quiver and then her orgasm exploded from her core and out to her whole body. She was a goddess, clad in virginal lace being driven to a height she could only experience. Oblivious to all around her, she held this man to her as he took her forcefully. She nearly lost consciousness and, feeling her slow and relax, for the moment spent, he now slowed and simply rested inside her as she rode out the after-shocks of her first orgasm.

John now wanted to take his weight off of his beautiful new lover and he easily rolled over, still filling her and handily flipped her astride himself. Already rousing from her bliss Jess knew she wanted one more thing, to see him finish and to take him into herself again as he did. She smiled and said "Oh my, that was amazing and I don't think you have come yet, can we continue?".

Smiling back, John nodded. He held her by her waist and began to thrust again. Jess immediately felt her pleasure rise again and sensed that now John was ready to take his own from her. Indeed, his hands now roamed down over her suspender belt and stockings, yet again tracing the curves of the lingerie, her broad hips and then back to hold her breasts. She was amazed to now find her new lover was fully suspending her weight in his strong arms. While she was astride, there was no doubt that he was in control and he now entered her at the pace he wanted, caressing where he would and taking his pleasure in her body. Jess felt deliciously used, wanted and above all controlled, now she was a plaything for his pleasure. Again, she moaned without control and while she could feel his climax was coming, in her rapture at being so completely controlled, she now orasmed again.

Jess now went virtually limp as John continued to penetrate her and lowered her down to him to kiss her deeply as he finished their coupling. She was little more than a rag doll now, her second orgasm released and now echoing in after-shocks receding as he finally built to his finish. Jess felt him explode inside her and the shred of consciousness she kept hold of now coalesced in a sense of pride that she was strong enough to allow herself to be used for a lover's pleasure.

Now they collapsed together. Jess had 5 days left to her holiday and she knew she would spend much of that with John. She drifted off thinking to herself: "my lover".

Written by @sadies-musings

[middleagedangst]

A Penny for your Health?

You see it sitting there, on the countertop positioned conveniently next to the change dispenser. You sometimes reach your hand in and take from it because you’re lazy or selfish. Other times, you’ll empty your hand into it simply because it’s harder to open your pack of Marlboro Lights while carrying out your six-pack of Busch Light with change in your hand. I get it. No judgment here. What is this well of human generosity? The penny tray. Seen in all 50 states in nearly every gas station convenience store. The very idea of it is pretty great. Take a penny, leave a penny. Fucking genius. I mean why not drop a few cents in there anyway? It’s like a pay-it-forward savings account. It’s a way to be a good person while putting in the least amount of actual effort, an important quality of our American social contract. Besides, isn’t it better to help out your fellow man than to totally forget you even have that extra change until you either find it under the couch cushion next to a Dorito of questionable age or even months later in the pocket of last winter’s coat? Shit, it’s only a penny unless you’re one of those really rich motherfuckers that leave something bigger than a nickel.

I can’t remember a time that these trays didn’t exist, and I’m older than the SyFy channel and the original NES. As far as I’m concerned, the penny tray is a part of America, like NASCAR and cheating on your taxes. And the funny thing about it is anyone can use it, regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation, place in the economic strata, whatever gender pronoun you are, etc., without so much as an utterance of disdain or unfairness. It’s true. Never once have I seen protest from the skinheads, or the Black Panthers, Westbrook Baptists, the anti-war hippies, the ACLU, not even fucking Scientology. Nobody gives a flying rat’s ass that these things exist. So why the fuck can’t we have this same outlook on other things that might actually be of some use for the nation as a whole? Like, say, healthcare.

Healthcare coverage in the U.S. is pretty fucked up when you think about it. People usually get the best options through their employer, but just like friends with benefits, it starts out great but sooner or later it comes with some strings attached. For one, employers don’t have to offer group rates, or even offer coverage to employees working part-time or doing contract work. Even then if you do get coverage through your employer and you have a pre-existing condition, like diabetes, then the insurance company can tell you to get bent and deny service. Even better, when you do have insurance but they conveniently deny paying for treatment because something is out of network, or not covered by your plan as stated in the fine print that nobody reads. And don’t get me started on dental insurance. The people that usually need it the most, the poor and the elderly on fixed incomes, have trouble affording it and oftentimes rely on cut-rate plans or Medicaid (which has plenty of its own faults). On top of all this, private insurance doesn’t do a damn thing when it comes to controlling costs, because why can’t the medical and pharmaceutical industries rake in a fuck-ton of money from a chemically dependent consumer base that’s getting bent over and prison raped from a lack of options. It’s an awful lot like a strong arm robbery just for the privilege to get treated when you think about it. That’s capitalism’s influence for you. Anything else is unAmerican and downright evil, right?

There has been a lot of debate on what we can do as a nation and body politic that can help millions get healthcare that isn’t frustratingly shitty and increasingly expensive. For starters, some believe we should just leave the shit as it is and not change anything. Let the free markets reign supreme and the weak will die off leaving a healthy race of super citizens. Under this solution, you are free to choose the insurance company you want to pay your ransom to and they handle the rest. The companies dictate how much you pay and how much they pay or if they pay for any service or medication. Have you ever tried to negotiate what you actually get for your money? No? Didn’t think so. This solution is American as fuck so the argument should stop here, but what fun would that be just listening to one option and calling it a day. That’s like watching the same news channel all day.

Another solution is a more socialist approach in which you pass a law that levies a tax on all Americans earning income and then whatever government bureaucracy is in charge of the money pays out benefits to all Americans. The will of the people can then, through representation, effectively bargain for better prices and more expansive coverage because at that point our tax money is the only game in town. See, I know that’s not the American way, that’s the way of the rest of the civilized world’s way and how can the United States be special if we do the same shit the rest of the developed world does? We can't, and that’s why that commie shit isn’t welcome here.

Now I dare ask the question, what’s the fucking difference? Really. What is it? Because as far as I can tell, both possible solutions are the fucking same. You pay money into a big pot, where there are people hired or appointed into positions that control the money and payouts are dispersed on an as needed basis. When you get a bill from a hospital or doctor’s office and you only owe a fraction of the total, where do you think that money comes from? It sure as hell isn’t all the money you paid the company because that would be more like a rainy day savings account. No, other people paid their monthly bill allowing more money to be used for you. Everyone paying money to the insurance company helped you pay that bill. And just like the tray at the gas station, you’re okay with that. Sometimes, the insurance company doesn’t want to pay that much. Maybe it was an unhealthy month and there were a lot of claims, or the board didn’t think you were worth saving. Who knows. Either way, your bill was subsidized by your fellow policyholders. So to everyone that likes to say that they don’t want to pay for someone else’s healthcare “cuz, this is Amurica, and that’s commeynism,”- shut the fuck up because if you have insurance or pay taxes, you already do.

Can someone explain to me how buying healthcare coverage is different than paying a tax for the exact same or possibly even better outcome? Is the fact that you voluntarily pay money to a business for a servi™ce mean that you are freer? I can’t wrap my mind around how just because it's a business doesn’t mean the concept isn't a socialist idea. It just is.

Maybe there is a difference. Perhaps that difference is that a private corporation operates with profit in mind. These entities, especially in this day and age with boards of directors and publicly traded stock have more incentives to make money, meaning higher prices and fewer expenditures. Now, I’ll grant you that the government can be real fucking dumb, but these corporations are profiting on your desire to not be fucking sick while maintaining the right to deny coverage for any reason. Pre-existing condition? Fuck you, you’re a high priced liability. Cancer? We’ll pay some but you’re still getting stuck with a bill you most likely can’t afford. Want to see a healthcare provider that’s out of network? Fuck you too. These insurance companies can be real fucking assholes sometimes. In my opinion, by supporting this system, you give a tacit agreement to this shit continuing. So you’re an asshole too. Sorry. Guilt by association.

I’m not saying government-funded healthcare is perfect. Far from it. Especially with the current government we have. They’ve lost money before and most likely will again. They’ve borrowed from social security. They’ve been openly corrupt. I get it. We shouldn’t really trust these motherfuckers with much, but it could be better than what we have now. The people united and holding those in power accountable through elections and protests. It is, after all, the job of the government to work for the people, for their betterment and safety, to regulate commerce between the states, and to work towards a common goal. All of those things government tax-funded healthcare can provide. Remember finishing the pledge of allegiance with “liberty and justice for all?” Think about the liberty you’d have not having to worry about the cost of being sick and the justice knowing that your fellow American chips in to help his neighbor because it is the morally correct and just thing to do. It still falls short of utopian but at least it's a step in the right direction. Do I think everything should be covered under the people’s insurance? No. I don’t. Sorry, but your penile implant will just have to wait until you can pay cash.

The health of the people shouldn’t be a for-profit industry. It belongs outside the realm of normal capitalist behavior. Healthcare is something that benefits us all. And the healthier the nation is, the more productive, the happier, and better off we can all be. Right now, the healthy are the ones who can afford it. Is that right? Depends on who you ask. Is it just? Not in what should be a united, civilized people. How can us Americans sit by and watch our fellow citizens fall sick, stay sick, and possibly die and not think that the system has failed somehow? It’s morally bankrupt. Also never forget that we as a nation pay more per person on average than many of the other countries with socialized medicine. So even at the very least, socialized medicine can save you a buck or two. And who doesn’t like to save money? It’s certainly less time consuming than clipping fucking coupons.

So just like the little penny tray, a new system of healthcare can be a benefit to everyone, not just those that can afford it already. You put in a little and other times take what you need without questions. It’s there when you need it and can make your day just that much easier. Let’s, as Americans, make the tray just a bit bigger and make things a little better for everyone. You’re already doing it and just didn’t realize it, comrade.

[tertiovitae-blog]

— TASK 001. STATISTICS

BASIC INFORMATION.

Full Name: Simon Chun, as far as federal documentation says.

Nickname(s): Sy, if he has any beyond that, he doesn’t know about them.

Age: 32

Date of Birth: September 22nd, 1986

Hometown: New York, NY

Current Location: Dertosa, CA

Ethnicity: Korean

Nationality: American

Gender: Cismale

Pronouns: He/him

Orientation: Purposefully emotionally unavailable tbqh

Religion: Raised under a Presbyterian mother and an apathetic father. Currently swings between atheism and agnosticism: he’d like to believe there’s some higher power but fails to see much evidence for the presence of one - at least in the form most modern religions teach. There’s no proof in Simon’s eyes of a God that’s both powerful and benevolent. 

Political Affiliation: Independent. Mixed liberal and conservative attitudes. 

Occupation: Former assistant district attorney in Suffolk County, MA, current owner of Pulp Kitchen and Pulp Vintage, his side business in the rare book & documents. PV specializes in early editions, maps, signatures from significant persons predating the 21st century, and the ever-popular vintage movie posters, as well as a few specialized items (architectural blueprints, maps, letters) from Dertosa’s history. Only a handful of these precious items he actually displays: in the very back of the store, close to his office and locked behind a delicate metal gate. Walk-in purchases are not welcome, though interested customers may contact Simon through PV’s website or by phone to make an appointment to examine the collection in person.   

Living Arrangements: The second floor of Pulp Kitchen is dedicated to Simon’s living space, accessed through the stairwell connected to his backroom office, which also empties out into the alley behind PK. He likes the simplicity of an all-in-one building (as well as the feeling of security afforded by elevation and insulation from other people and structures). He’s managed a mish-mash aesthetic of spare industrialism and coziness: exposed brick walls and steel beams, a dark floor but the living room popping with a deep goldrod-yellow carpet and anchored on a large, buttery, reddish leather sofa. There’s a knit throw blanket tossed over the back of just about every seating surface that isn’t the chairs at the kitchen island. All doors are sliding and usually left open for the feeling of greater space. The apartment is blessed with the same wall-to-wall windows of the cafe downstairs and Simon enjoys having his morning coffee with a chair pulled up to them to soak in a little sun and watch the street wake up below. There’s a surprising lack of bookshelves considering the man himself, but less surprising considering the abundance of them downstairs. 

Language(s) Spoken: English, Korean (less frequently than he knows he should). 

Accent: Fairly neutral American, a very clear, well-enunciated way of speaking.

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE.

Face Claim: Steven Yeun

Hair Colour: Black, slightly wavy, usually brushed back or curling over one side of his temple, just a little too short to tuck behind his ears. It tends to not bother him enough that he lets it do what it wants

Eye Colour: Dark brown - call it coffee. 

Height: 5′9

Weight: 145-150 lbs

Build: Closer to slim than wiry or bulked, he pushes himself to stay in shape but he ain’t out to get buff.

Tattoos: N/A

Piercings: N/A

Clothing Style: Man’s got a big spectrum. Take your normal urban book-keep stereotype and add a few more colors and much nicer shoes. Almost always in a collared shirt of some kind, sleeves rolled up above the elbows and leather bracelets on his wrist, or maybe under a well-cut blazer with a discreet watch. You’ll never see Simon in a simple t-shirt if he’s got any choice about it, but at work he’ll range anywhere from this level of fancy jacket to this level of relaxed everything. If he’s going to go casual, it’s definitely in a hoodie with a some kind of weird reference plastered on the front. 

Usual Expression: Neutral and a bit removed, he tends to look ten levels deep in daydreaming even when he’s just sorting shelves or making a cappuccino. There’s pretty clear tells as to whether was he’s thinking is upsetting or pleasant: pinched brows or the smallest upward quirk to his lips.

Distinguishing Characteristics: A rigid scar above his left hip from the struggle three years ago that nearly cost him his life. Simon thanks the bullet scraping his side for giving him the panic-adrenaline to even survive it. A single dimple in his left cheek. Oh -- and we can’t forget the goddamn glasses. He felt like a jackass at first with fake lenses in, but over time he’s learned that they generously contribute to his fulfilling a certain stereotype within this new identity, and he’s now happy to hide behind the thin extra layer of protection granted by longer hair and a useless pair of wire frames. 

HEALTH.

Physical Ailments: None.

Neurological Conditions: His move to Dertosa came with a government-recommended psychologist, though Simon only met with her for a month before dropping out of his appointments with the stubborn belief it was better to take care of himself. There’s a bit of a self-stigma in Simon’s mind regarding mental health: depression and paranoia are emotions from his point of view, not conditions, and he expects himself to manage them like an adult, regardless of whether or not that’s a realistic goal. 

Allergies: Lower level lactose intolerant, but the kind who just pops a lactose pill, says ‘fuck it’, and has his latte anyways.

Sleeping Habits: A pretty solid seven to eight hours a night, in bed before midnight and out before eight 90% of the time. Structure is something Simon actively works for, in the hopes it’ll encourage stability. 

Eating Habits: Somewhat of an accidental vegetarian, his typical diet skirts close, but he lacks the moral rigidity on that particular stance. He’s weak once a really good smell hits his nose, meat be damned. Tries to keep his eating habits as regular as sleep, breakfast is a cup of coffee and any fruit he can grab and take downstairs, lunch is grazed from whatever’s on the menu at PK, dinner thrown together before after seven and before nine, always with some sort of fresh green veg involved. It’s tempting sometimes to revert to old college ramen-and-microwaveables habits, but he’s grudgingly taking care of his body with the full knowledge that the work of cooking is worth pushing him for.

Exercise Habits: Swims laps for an hour and half at the YMCA three times a week and tends to bike or walk for groceries, errands, ect. 

Emotional Stability: Mmmmm, let’s say 6, 7? There’s plenty of emotions tugging at Simon’s sleeve, but he’s simmered down to a more stable center as time has passed and he’s proven to be good for better or for worse at systematically approaching, sorting, and stuffing down what he thinks is useful to acknowledge or not. He purposefully tries to keep away from situations of high emotion, he knows himself well enough to know once he is propelled to extremes, it’s hard to get himself down from them.

Sociability: Simon definitely needs his alone time to refuel and recenter, but he also needs the stimulation of other people or he’d go stircrazy. He keeps an arm’s length, but he’s also too curious about what’s rattling around in other people’s heads to be a true isolationist and can be very warm with the right crowd. It’s a pleasure to have social connections, as long as he can keep the frame of mind that they can only go so far as PK’s front door. 

Body Temperature: Cool-natured, there’s a reason he can get away with wearing suit jackets in summer.

Addictions: Lil bit of a hoarder of sentimental objects. Does not matter is the memory is positive or negative and he doesn’t need to be able to lay eyes on it, just to know it’s within his care.

Drug Use: None.

Alcohol Use: Strictly self-enforced as social. He doesn’t bring booze into his house unless it’s for cooking or a guest. No point in tempting a bad habit.

PERSONALITY.

Label: The Advocate, The Enduring, The Cynical

Positive Traits: driven, educated, perceptive, disciplined, curious, conscientious, discrete, generous, steered by an inner moral code

Negative Traits: dogmatic, detached, stubborn, overly self-reliant, impulsive and bold in matters of principle, deeply buried vulnerability to self-criticism, and the capacity to be truly venomous

Goals/Desires: Stay in his own damn lane while making a life for himself he can actually enjoy. 

Fears: Having to start over again, any form of his past biting him in the ass, having an opportunity to do something just but being rendered unable to because of his situation, forgetting the past.

Hobbies: Cultivating Pulp Vintage’s collection is as much hobby as work, swimming, snapping up new posters for the wall of the cafe, listening to podcasts, reading, handheld puzzles, volunteer work. He hasn’t been back to his self-defense course since his first year in Dertosa but his teacher is slowly attempting to wheedle him back into other classes at the gym. Monthly trips back to Dertosa’s legal indoor gun range to keep himself sharp.

Habits: Cleaning those useless glasses as a way to stall a conversation or action, drumming his fingers, the two-handed mug hold, reading behind the cash register, skimming the paper every day from front to back and impulsively checking the news bar on his phone, covering his mouth with his hand while laughing, doing the lazy half-tuck with a shirt, tapping his foot when he’s jazzed up. 

FAVOURITES.

Weather: Daytime summer rain, that perfect crisp winter day when the air is frosty in his lungs and the ground is coated in snow. Real winter is one of the big things he misses about the Northeast.

Colour(s): Green, blue

Music: He started playing classic jazz/oldies in PK for the sake of that bookshop aesthetic, but he’s gotten genuinely into a lot of it. Nina Simone, Cab Calloway. Longtime listener to The Black Keys, Red Hot Chili Peppers. Vivaldi, Andrés Segovia.

Movies: Clever comedies or character studies, psychological thrillers, old Hollywood experimental movies, all the campiest of 80s horror. ‘Nightcrawler’, ‘the Exorcist’, ‘Metropolis’, ‘In the Mood for Love’. 

Sport: Basketball & fencing. He was a pretty damn good at the latter in high school and he’s entirely self-aware of just how pretentious a thing a boarding school fencing team is to be an alumni of.  

Beverage: Water with a few lime slices, sue him for being boring. Guilty pleasure is those stupidly sweet matcha green tea lattes from Starbucks.

Food: Hit him with that spicy shit. Fuck it up with savory flavors. Finish it with good n’ sweet. There’s definitely love for Korean, but he’s big on Thai and Southwestern cuisine as well. 

Animal: Panther. Just about any big cat, tbh.

FAMILY.

Father: Jeong Yung-sik, aka Howard Jeong. Incarcerated since 2003, age 67. Eligible for release 2249. 

Mother: Jeong Su-jin, aka Sujin Jeong. Deceased as of 2015, aged 56. Official cause of death: craniocerebral ballistic trauma aka a gunshot to the head. 

Sibling(s): Jeong Min-chul, aka Erik Jeong. Deceased as of 2002, aged 16. Official cause of death: exsanguination aka prolonged and fatal blood loss.

Children: None, despite liking kids he doesn’t realistically see a future where it’d be wise to have them. 

Pet(s): His cats Darlene and Mister Meowgi have the run of Pulp Kitchen, the first named after a character from Mr. Robot, the second by an ex-girlfriend. The pun stuck; Simon still can’t bring himself to rename him. He had to give up his boxer, Odin, when he moved to Dertosa and he misses that damn dog every day. 

Family’s Financial Status: Raised very upper class, currently a comfortable upper-middle. Technically, he has none of the money left over from his family’s generous supply, but some of his earnings from his work as an ADA came with him to start him off in Dertosa and fund the opening of Pulp Kitchen.

EXTRA.

Zodiac Sign: Virgo - reliable, practical, critical, seeking goodness while expecting disappointment, prone to overthinking

MBTI: INFJ, ‘The Advocate�� - creative, decisive, perfectionistic, incredibly private, “INFJs have strong beliefs and take the actions that they do not because they are trying to advance themselves, but because they are trying to advance an idea that they truly believe will make the world a better place”.

Enneagram: The heart of Enneagram 8 (the Protector) under a strong shield of Enneagram 5 traits (the Observer) - a conflict between the desire to be confrontational and assertive in issues of justice and protecting the weak and the knowledge that oneself is the person who must be protected first, as well as tendencies towards hoarding and intellectual pursuits. 

Temperament: Melancholic - thoughtful, schedule oriented, economical and perceptive, interested in the philosophical and poetic 

Moral Alignment: Neutral Good - belief in the intrinsic rights of all beings, drive to help the innocent, desire for justice but a willingness to defy the law and do usually immoral things in order to see that justice happens

Primary Vice: Wrath

Primary Virtue: Charity

Element: Water - evolving, inward, empathetic

[erhiem]

Feather muthaland, Bibimutha’s songs play as if she is rebuilding her confidence in real time.

Photo Illustration by Renee Klahr, Aamna Ijaz/NPR; Courtesy of Muthaboard

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Photo Illustration by Renee Klahr, Aamna Ijaz/NPR; Courtesy of Muthaboard

Feather muthaland, Bibimutha’s songs play as if she is rebuilding her confidence in real time.

Photo Illustration by Renee Klahr, Aamna Ijaz/NPR; Courtesy of Muthaboard

NPR Music Turning the Tables A project envisioned to challenge sexist and exclusionary conversations about musical greatness. So far we’ve focused on reversing traditional, patriarchal best-of-lists and popular music history. But this time, it’s personal. For 2021, we’re digging into our own relationships to record the records we love, asking: How do we know as listeners when a piece of music is important to us? How can we break free from institutional pressures on our tastes in keeping with the lessons of history? What exactly does it mean to create a personal canon? Essays in this series will explore our unique relationship with our favorite albums, from unmatched classics by major stars to sub-cultural gamechangers and personal revelations. Because the way some music holds a central place in our lives is not just a reflection of how we develop our tastes, but of how we approach the world.

In April, two days after my partner got his second COVID-19 vaccination dose, a friend sent us an invitation to celebrate his birthday at a bar. “I’m not sure,” I said, citing CDC guidelines to wait at least two weeks before socializing. But I had another idea. While some dreamed of nail salon appointments as a return to normalcy, and others fled to Airbnbs on the outskirts, I suggested making a noise on the phone once again with the crew, three Geminis and Taurus.

Our first time together was in 2019, which we regarded as a rite of passage, playing Kendrick Lamar good kid, maed city (an epic, if not prestige update for the specific soundtrack) as our visions began to blur. More than anything, I noticed how the psychedelic influences calmed the ticking urgency I felt on a daily basis in order to make productive use of my time. That kind of urgency became too much to bear last year: With the world still in a pandemic holding pattern, I was also eyeing my 35th birthday in June, and I needed to answer questions from family incessantly. Didn’t feel closer – to where my career was headed, or whether I would have children, and if so – than it was ten years ago. Naturally, I didn’t tell this to my friend.

While I certainly yearned for pre-pandemic normalcy, or perhaps a time where my age was not nearly as consequential, I was also inspired by muthaland, Chattanooga, Tenn., the first album of 2020 by rapper Bibimutha. muthaland Helping me take myself out of this pressure to live up to everyone’s expectations. The album begins by promising a good time; In the opening skit, a game show contestant swallows an acid tab to enter Bibimutha’s world. This realm of her imagination ends up as a tangle of feelings and thoughts, where not a single factor – not her career or single motherhood – completely defines who she is.

I first heard about Bibimutha in 2016. Not long before artists like art rocker Björk embraced her. Even in this crowded music landscape, it’s hard to forget an artist who names their debut EP after an iconic makeup palette, or whose moniker dates back to their mid-20s as having two sets of twins. The latter is considered a badge of honor. Early singles like “Rules” and “Rose” were the talk of a smoky-eyed relationship that could make women completely in agreement (“I’m not going to waste my waist, my thighs, my time, and all my energy/effort. Can *** * which just not for me”). The ambitious concepts he had in mind for his debut album also looked promising. his first thought, prosperity gospel, as a result of her love-hate relationship with televangelist pastor Joel Osteen (“He can sell any f****** thing and you’ll just spend your money,” she once said). Later, she stated that she planned to call the album Christine; It would be inspired by a relative who killed men who either betrayed her or abused her.

Yet I didn’t really connect with Bibimutha until we were both at the peak of our frustrations with our careers. In July 2020, Atlanta’s NPR affiliate WABE dropped under the map, a Southern hip-hop podcast that I co-host, just as overall podcast listenership began to return to pre-pandemic levels. and until muthaland Arriving last August, BbyMutha was completely disillusioned with the music industry. “After this album I’m never doing it again,” she said. This rap retirement announcement ended prematurely, although at the time, listeners mourned the lost potential. In muthalandLong after that tab swallowed one of the most indulgent rap fantasies of all time, BbyMutha is a next-gen LA chat with wordplay inspired by Gucci Mane, a rare woman who navigates traps and orders sex from across the gender spectrum. But Bibimutha also emphasizes in “Holographic” that the journey is a “rave with roaches” swirling around her house. At the height of her musical talent, she could still find a place where she falls short.

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As the oldest of my cousins, I spent most of my life in Maryland oriented around achievement and success, setting a good example. After graduating during the 2008 recession, the older I’ve gotten, the harder it felt to be, shortly thereafter separated from my first and only 9-to-5 to pursue a culture journalism career. moved to Atlanta for what seemed frivolous or self-indulgent before this “Essential workers” became part of our lexicon. (“My mom actually ran away from the Vietnam War when she was 16, so I could see” My Block: Atlanta For work, I’m not a s***,” i once joked.) I attributed my lack of hustle to this fear of failure which only intensified over the years. and before muthaland, I looked for music that helped me wrestle with or push through those feelings. open mike eagle dark comedy Soundtracked my uncomfortable entry into the gig economy after college. I still turn to trap jeezy songs Let’s get on this: Thug Inspiration 101 Or DouBoys Cashout’s “started out as an activist” for a momentary boost.

In the spring of 2019, I learned that this persistently worrying and ensuing fatigue had a name: generalized anxiety disorder. (I’ve kept it a secret from my family; my uncle once said that Asians “take too much pride in going to therapy,” as statistics following the Atlanta-area spa shooting would show.) As I tracked my sleep and panic attacks in one notebook after another, I learned that perfectionism—my once default answer to job interviews—is, “What’s your biggest weakness?” – not really to be seen in a positive light at all. Still, my mother’s way of asking “How are you?” Keeps “Are you busy?” and “Are you making money?” And I still answer “yes” every time. It has taken me almost all the time in the past two years to accept that self-awareness is still a work in progress.

Last December, my therapist gave me an exercise regimen that I still use today. In a moment of crisis, I write down the first negative thought that comes to mind (“I always make the wrong decisions,” “My career is coming back,” “Christmas is ruined”). Then I write through a reality check, as if interviewing myself: Are all these ideas true? Or is there evidence that this situation is not as dire as I had feared?

I recognize this train of thought muthaland. Songs like “Roaches Don’t Die” become anthemic because when Bibimutha brags and boasts, it’s like “You don’t f*** with who’s who with who’s government stamp and wic, huh?” Like what happens between songs. When she looks in the mirror and longs for the confident woman she once was (“I miss that b**** sometimes”) she descends on a personal statement in the face of “heavy metal”. “They see the truth when they see me / They see they aunt and they mom and grandma, gee,” she raps. “They look in a mirror, it ain’t clear / I’m afraid of everything being b*****.” At the end of “Scam Likely”, Bibimutha mocks the pseudo-awakening, drag race-savvy listeners who insist on having her as a role model (“And she makes me feel so empowered that ****** is empowered – and i up“). I get her reasoning: Role models seem impenetrable. Bibimutha’s songs sound like she’s rebuilding her confidence in real time.

During my last visit, my therapist told me to work on my definition and measures of success. I still don’t have concrete answers that translate into neat life goals, though maybe that’s an answer in itself. muthaland Teaching me to lower expectations that may read as plausible but ultimately prove untenable. Its themes confirm how I felt after my first 2019 visit, which is that scientists should revisit the psychological properties of hallucinations, even after decades of government-imposed stigma. Bibimutha’s lyrics demonstrate that motherhood, as it would be, cannot replace a sense of self. Neither would career ambitions, for that matter: muthalandThe most obvious nod to any kind of rap pantheon is “outro (skit 5).” Game show hosts thanks “sponsors” Boosie, Webby, and Diamond and Princess from Crime Mob — and then in 19 seconds, it’s over. muthaland otherwise completely untouched by discussion about Rap’s Mount RushmoreHow sales and clout factor into greatness. In how its soul-searching slowly unfolds during its hour-long runtime, the album is teaching me that position is not everything, but timing is.

In the flurry of excessive social activity between getting vaccinated and preparing myself for the Delta version, here’s what I’ll remember most:

The post-vaccination journey that finally took place on a Sunday in May. By 6 p.m. the effect was gone, though my partner reading the tarot gave to our friend, the second Gemini, didn’t wrap up until close to midnight.

The first time I heard BbyMutha’s “GoGo Yubari,” a harsh indictment against her baby daddy and the nature of how she became a baby mama: “Another violent story, another self-esteem destroyed.” BbyMutha released it in June, one of several loose and unreleased EPs from this year. muthaland. (Thank god she didn’t actually retire.)

Finally, a passing comment from a friend ahead of her 35th birthday this month. The keyword was “milestone”, with this weighted expectation we had already achieved, suggesting that all this was not enough. “I’m always here to talk about it,” I said, and I meant it. After the past year of working as a stand-in confidant of BbyMutha, I feel ashamed personally, or a shame at all.

christina lee is a music and culture writer living in Atlanta. She co-hosts the podcast under the map.

The post BbyMutha’s ‘Muthaland’ Is Teaching Me That Status Isn’t Everything : NPR appeared first on Spicy Celebrity News.

[222258-ihiwehi]

A third of NZ university students are sexually assaulted, a study suggests

A third of NZ university students are sexually assaulted, a study suggests

Stuff Article

The moment Tess laid eyes on Victoria University, she knew she was looking at her future.

"I was so excited," she says, now. "I'd visited with my mum for the open day, I saw the law building and thought I just wanted to study there, it just called to me. I was also terrified – my whole family dropped me off, and my mum cried the whole way home.

"I was so ready to be like an adult, and live a new life in Wellington."

Her stomach a tangle of nervous knots, Tess worried about her classes, and making friends.

She didn't envisage the incident a few months later, when a young man would attempt to rape her at her university hostel, Weir House.

She didn't consider the self-blame and doubt that would creep in whenever she thought about the sexual assault.

And, really, something like that? To be honest, she just didn't think it would happen to her.

For the thousands of high school students who pack their bags for tertiary study each year, and their parents, sexual violence is unlikely to be top of mind. But new research suggests it should be.

Preliminary results from the biggest New Zealand study into the prevalence of sexual victimisation at university suggests one in three students will be sexually assaulted while they are studying.

The perpetrator will most likely be a young male student, who will assault his victim while they are drunk, asleep, or otherwise incapacitated.

The research involved 2700 students at a New Zealand university, who were asked if they had a non-consensual sexual experience. The survey was sent to all students at the university and participants chose to be involved.

More than a third, or 36 per cent of total respondents, said they had experienced some form of sexual assault, from being groped or made to remove clothes, perform oral sex, or forced digital, anal, or vaginal penetration. Broken down by gender, 41 per cent of women reported assault, and 22 per cent of men.

When it came to assailants, 88 per cent of reported perpetrators were men and 17 per cent women. (Students sometimes reported more than one incident.) Two-thirds of participants were assaulted by students from the same university.

Otago University PhD student Kayla Stewart used the academic Sexual Experiences Survey tool to assess the students, collating the data alongside dozens of one-on-one interviews. She says the results show sexual assault is a widespread issue universities have an obligation to tackle.

The most widely-used statistics in the United States suggest one in five university women are sexually assaulted. Stewart's research suggests that in New Zealand, the chance of a woman being forced into a sex act at university is more than one in three.

Prevalence studies must be interpreted cautiously, and results can not always be generalised. But they provide valuable insights into the commonality of assault, including intoxication and the nature of perpetrators.

"There needs to be acknowledgment that this is an issue, because for too long it's been hidden or universities have failed to acknowledge it," Stewart says.

"I really want to bring attention to what perpetrators are doing, and shift the focus to their actions. The most commonly used tactic is altered consciousness, through alcohol or drugs or sleep. Perpetrators sexually assaulted one in four people this way, taking advantage when they were drunk or out of it."

The fact so many assailants also attended university showed it was a community problem. "There's such a culture of entitlement, and we have to tackle that. On the one hand it is a societal problem, but it's also a university problem."

'IT WAS JUST PAR FOR THE COURSE, I GUESS'

Tess used to tell this like a joke.

It was first year, and Tess and her friend were out at a bar. They started chatting to a guy who began to get "uncomfortably grabby," before Tess decided she wanted to leave.

The friend brought the man back to their university hostel. Both women were drunk. Tess left her friend's dorm room, but not before giving her a lifeline.

"I told her I was going to bed but I would leave the door open for her if she wanted to come and stay in my room."

Instead, the man later entered Tess's room. "I was asleep at that point and he came and got into my bed and was like, insistent. I kept on falling asleep and waking back up and trying to say no. I was trying to say 'no, you don't have a condom,' just trying to justify the no, I guess. I just didn't know what to do."

Tess eventually got the man to leave, telling him she had an early lecture.

She didn't report the attempted rape, out of fear people would find out it was her. She felt ashamed, like she might be labelled a slut. Around the same time, she said another friend did report a sexual assault to hall management and was dismissed and told to "get over it."

(Victoria University say all halls of residence staff are now trained in how to respond to disclosures of sexually harmful behaviours, taking a confidential, survivor-led approach. This includes access to counselling and support to make formal complaints.)

It also didn't seem too out of the ordinary. "It was just par for the course I guess, and that sounds horrible, but I knew other girls in halls who had very similar experiences. It seems to be something that happens in that part of girl's lives."

It was only last year, when conversations about sexual violence were brought to the forefront with Me Too movement – and locally, with the sexual misconduct exposed at the Russell McVeagh law firm – that Tess realised what happened to her was not funny.

"Now it just makes me really sad. It was so horrible. Alcohol is such a huge part of first year culture, it's how you bond. I feel like a lot of guys – and girls – aren't taught what healthy sex is meant to be like. No-one has a frame of reference.

"You're taking a bunch of kids that maybe haven't had sex or the freedom to have it as frequently and they just don't know what good sex looks like, how to communicate and how to read someone else's communication."

Tess has never told her parents. "I think for my dad in particular it would torture him to think about. I could tell my family, but you don't really want to open things up because there was nothing they could have done.

"By the time I was ready to acknowledge it and talk, I had a support network of friends."

Other young women spoken to by Stuff who were victims of sexual assault at university struggled with self-blame, and had often tried to internally dismiss or downplay the event so they could continue with their lives and studies.

One woman, who was raped while a student at an Auckland University, only felt strong enough to lay a complaint with police years later. It is currently being investigated.

Others do complain, but hit brick walls. A PhD student at a North Island university told Stuff she has reported a sexual assault by a fellow student to police. It was so violent she had to be hospitalised.

She told the university, who she says told her they can do nothing until he is charged. In the meantime, she is not attending university for fear of seeing him on campus. He still goes to class every day.

A Stuff investigation in 2018 found dozens of alleged sexual misconduct complaints recorded by staff at university halls of residence nationwide in the past two years – only a handful of which were reported to police.

And in April, Otago's Knox College faced questions about its cultureafter several sexual assault, rape and harassment claims between 2011 and 2017 were revealed in student magazine Critic.

WHAT IS BEING DONE?

There are no nationwide guidelines or legislation around sexual misconduct protocol.

Universities New Zealand, the umbrella body, says it has established a working group into sexual violence, which involves representatives from all universities and two students.

In the meantime, students are mobilising to put pressure on university management to act. New Zealand University Students' Association rape prevention campaign Thursdays in Black, mired in a sexual harassment scandal of its own in mid-2018, has been re-established and is pushing for comprehensive misconduct policies.

It conducted a nationwide survey on sexual violence in 2017, with more than half of respondents saying they had experienced some form of it.

At Otago University, Students Against Sexual Violence has been leading this drive. Co-president Niall Campbell, 23, says Stewart's research does not come as a shock. "All of our members know multiple people who have been effected by sexual violence. There's no doubt in our minds it's an issue.

"It's an unfortunate combination of students who are actually quite young, and who have been inadequately educated around sex and sexuality. Contrary to popular belief, we are not the progressive nation we'd like ourselves to be."

A 2018 Education Review Office report found sex education has not improved in a decade, with a lack of education around consent, pornography and sexual violence.

This isn't helped by a culture of chauvinism, hyper-masculity and sexual conquest, particularly in first year, Campbell says.

Stuff asked all universities if they considered sexual violence prevention a university responsibility, and to advise on initiatives. Most pointed to their student code of conduct and discipline regulations. None would provide details of how much was spent annually.

When it came to specific action, Waikato University said it has appointed a violence prevention coordinator this year and begun providing training on sexual violence and healthy relationships for hall staff and students.

Auckland University said students are given information on family violence at orientation and have access to "comprehensive online material."

Auckland University of Technology ran an online preventing bullying and harassment programme and had launched a course, Consent Matters, at the cost of $16,000.

Massey University said its hall staff members were given training on victimisation, and it had a sexual assault pastoral care team.

Victoria University was developing a standalone sexual violence prevention policy, had a Sexual Harm Prevention working group, had appointed a new sexual harm counsellor and was increasing training for staff on dealing with disclosures.

The University of Canterbury said it had set up an End Sexual Violence Now working group, and gave new students an induction that included sexual violence awareness. Complaints could be made through online anonymous tool Report It.

Otago University opened Te Whare Tāwharau, a sexual violence support centre, last year. A sexual misconduct policy has been completed and a sexual misconduct action response team set up to oversee processes and investigations.

This is promising, Campbell says, but it's easy to point to documents. His group wants outcomes.

"Until very recently, almost nothing was done about the issue. And it's still early days - whether these policies end up being substantial and actually work is the question."

And others think action needs to be nationwide, rather left to each university. In the United States, Title IX is a federal law which makes universities accountable for disciplining perpetrators and supporting victims. There is no such legal requirement in New Zealand.

Lily Kay Ross is a sexual violence researcher and workplace consultant on sexual harassment procedures, and was a consultant on Otago's policy.

She is advocating for the establishment of an independent body to conduct investigations. It should be neutral, and have staff trained in the dynamics of sexual violence. Data and outcomes should be publicly reported.

"This is how universities can achieve accountability to the public and rebuild trust," Kay Ross says. "It signals that the cases we already know are happening are being responded to appropriately."

Victoria University student president Tamatha Paul says nationwide standards – enforceable by law if necessary – would be welcome. "Yes, it's awesome universities are starting to get these policies, but what about polytechs and other training establishments? What about what goes on at halls of residence?

"There needs to be a consistent policy covering every space that a student occupies."

WALKING THE TALK

On a leafy Friday at Auckland University, students stream through the campus. It's almost the weekend, and there are parties to organise, gigs to attend.

Life goes on. And, instead of waiting for change from above, many are working to initiate it themselves.

Students Gabriella Brayne, 19, and Ollin Raynaud, 25, are co-ordinators and founders of the Consent Club, which aims to normalise consent culture.

The group train volunteers to become "consent guardians," teaching them techniques in non-confrontational bystander intervention. The guardians attend festivals and events, stepping in to diffuse situations where it looks like a "consent breach" could be occurring.

This might involve offering a drunk young woman help finding her friends, or dancing alongside someone who is being cornered on the dance floor to give them an out.

In their view, the problem isn't so much that young men don't know what consent is - it's that they think they can get away with it, Brayne says.

"In the moment they still go ahead with the assault because there's a situation that can be exploited."

Having active bystanders who will intervene reinforces the idea that you can't get away with these acts. "We're like their sober mates, who will step in.

"We just want people to feel safe."

[oovitus]

Learning how to self advocate for wellness and career advancement

I've recently been meditating on personal and professional development and in a lot of ways, maintenance. Part of it aligns with recently discussed concepts of wellness and work-life balance. Part of it also has to do with this intrinsic unsettled feeling I'm experiencing with work. I attended an academic conference recently which I believe was clarifying and is helping me to frame my approach. Health This all started with a dive into self care, specifically, trying to make sure that I was taking better care of this 41 year old body of mine. I had not been to a dentist in 15 years. Yes. You read that correctly. I had not seen a dentist since before medical school. Part of it was because I'm irrationally terrified of the dentist... part of this fear probably came from all those times my mother forced me to sit with her and hold her hand through many root canals and extractions while she squirmed, wiggled and held a vice grip on my hand. The other part of it was the silly thought, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." The final factor was the disease of busy. I flossed. I brushed. I have a nice smile. I'm fine. It wasn't until my little one bravely sat through the first couple of dental appointments during which we found out he had multiple cavities between all of the molars, necessitating 8 crowns, a failed attempt at in office nitrous and subsequent trip to same day oral surgery center with a pediatric anesthesiologist that I finally made an appointment. So I did it. I had a couple of cavities, needed scaling (which is a special kind or torture) and am now getting teed up for a root canal. I suppose it's not bad for 15 years. At least I'm keeping all of my teeth, for now. Let's move on to fitness. I'd topped off the scale at 5 pounds over my full term pregnancy weight. I hated what I saw in the mirror. Inside I was happy. My outside didn't match my insides... maybe I wasn't happy. Regardless, I've spent the last year trying to make sure to make time to do tedious things like plan healthy and nutritious meals and get some exercise. I found a colleague and now friend who was an online health coach. I found a supportive environment of other busy, professional women who found time and prioritized this portion of self care and found that they ended up being happier, more patient and feeling more fulfilled all around. I found tools which were easy to implement (albeit requiring some behavior change), accountability partners and fun exercise options. I enjoyed it so much that I myself became a coach. With everything we give to our patients, our learners and our hospitals, we absolutely must prioritize ourselves in there somewhere. Working out may not be your thing, but you have to identify what it is that recharges you and make time for it. Put it on your schedule or it will not happen. It will ebb and flow, but you've got to take care of you before you can take care of anyone else. I still need to schedule that Pap and Mammo... I'm a work in progress. Personal Development Part of the company's philosophy is ensuring that you spend some time each day on your own personal development. This created an opportunity for me to read some personal development books (the former four letter "self-help" category). Below you will find the books I've gone through over the last 6 months (good grief, whoever created audiobooks is literally the best because I become narcoleptic while reading). I've read (or listened to in audiobooks) "You are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life" by Jen Sincero. She's not a physician, but she's been through some things and many of her struggles and insecurities resonated with me. She is also remarkably sarcastic and funny and I had many a laugh while listening to her book. I followed that with "The Compound Effect: Jumpstart Your Income, Your Life, Your Success" written by Darren Hardy. This dude for all intents and purposes is a self made gazillionaire and did it all with hard work and discipline, specifically with small changes every day. He had an authoritarian for a father, so we have that in common. It focuses more on the business world, however if I ever consider entrepreneurship, I'll probably revisit it. I followed that with bits and pieces of several books from Brene Brown... "Rising Strong" and "The Gifts of Imperfection," both of which hit chords with me. Let's figure out how to pick ourselves up after we fail at something because that is what bravery truly is. It takes no energy to stay down after you take a hit. Facing the day, reflecting on how you may have been responsible for whatever you've experienced is an important lesson. Reading her book is like sitting in a therapist's office, without the $200 price tag. She's a shame researcher and she hits the nail on the head when she discusses the mountains of self imposed guilt we shoulder unnecessarily. She's also witty and sarcastic from time to time. Next was "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" by Mark Manson. Now, if you can move past the fact that this guy is a bit like a frat boy in his use of language, there are some important lessons to be learned. Some things just don't deserve our energy. Seriously. My latest read is "Feminist Fight Club: A Survival Manual for a Sexist Workplace" by Jessica Bennett. I came upon this book on my way to the aforementioned conference. I knew I was specifically attending a workshop designed to appeal to women interested in leadership in academic medicine. I was looking for something which would light my fire and help me think outside the box a bit. Jessica Bennett is a journalist who specifically writes about issues of gender, sexuality and culture. In her book, she highlights the research which discusses not only how institutions may unknowingly or overtly be preventing growth of their female professionals, but also behaviors we may be demonstrating which hinder our own progress. I take each of these books with a respective grain of salt, but it's really kind of opened my eyes to some self reflection and highlighted some things I may want to work on within myself. When we spend so much of ourselves in tending to other's needs, our own needs and need for growth can get lost in the mix. Professional development So, I'm an academic. I teach medical students, PA students, residents, fellows, faculty. I have sought opportunities to develop my educational niche, my ability to provide feedback, teach a skill, develop a curriculum, pitch an idea to my department chair. I teach a lot of things... probably too many things, which is why I find myself feeling stale and unfulfilled here. I feel like I've spread myself so thin that I'm doing an ordinary job at all of the things for which I'd prefer to be doing an extraordinary job. I feel like an octopus juggling knives which are on fire. Is this imposter syndrome creeping in? Perhaps, but I know I could do better with my time and efforts if I peeled away from some things. I officially mentor some and unofficially mentor others. I've not received any training per se in mentoring, save observation of folks I hope to emulate. I don't know what the steps are. I don't know what skills to hone. It's kind of like teaching, but also very different from teaching. There should be a program for mentoring the junior mentor. There probably is, but I've not yet had the bandwidth to seek out or discover it, but it is something I need. What I found most interesting in the sessions at this conference was the focus on not necessarily seeking out the most sage mentor. Sometimes peer mentors are actually better for you as you navigate different challenges in your career. I've been at this academic gig for 6 years now. At the conference I attended, many of the female leaders commented on "cycles" and feeling unsettled after a certain amount of time doing each of the jobs they did. That hit home for me. I feel unsettled. I want to do what I'm doing differently and I need to advance my position from my current title to the next. As such, I've been meeting with my closest mentors, having heartfelt talks about what I thought I wanted when I started, what I've done and where I see it going. I see now that I've invested a tremendous amount of time and emotional capital in one path. It was my hope that by working hard and contributing, I'd be rewarded with position. Boom!!! Words from all of the books came to mind and highlighted for me that I in fact cannot do it all and I should be asking for compensation in some way for what I am doing. You will not get 100% of the things you DO NOT ask for. I must focus my efforts on those things which are most meaningful to me in my professional life. I need a new goal. I need a promotion. So, I'm going to spend the next couple of months working on my dossier, writing papers, reviewing and revising the curricula that I am responsible for and pouring the energy freed up by letting go of tasks held by one of my octopus tentacles. It's exciting and anxiety provoking to have this new approach and challenging in that I've never before created a dossier or gone up for academic promotion. Why didn't someone tell me about all of the stuff that goes into this? Why didn't someone tell me to keep better track of all of the lectures I taught, programs I developed, mentees I invested in, meetings I attended, evaluations I received??? This wasn't part of orientation when I became faculty. It was discussed as an afterthought in my annual meetings "You should be ready for promotion in a couple of years." After reading my most recent book, I wonder if the experience is the same for my XY colleagues. Is the assumption that because I'm a single mother, I must not be interested in promotion or advancement, so I don't really need the guidance or personal investment? To adapt a quote from Jessica's book, "No one gets shit done like a mom." I'm trying to figure out what my professional and personal mission statement is. What are my values? What do I hold dearest to me? Do my actions align with my values and my mission? How do I parlay these reflections into actions moving forward and be sure I'm looking out for my own professional interests, professional development and advancement? Learning how to self advocate for wellness and career advancement published first on https://storeseapharmacy.tumblr.com

[myupdatestudio-blog]

New Post has been published on Myupdatestudio

New Post has been published on https://myupdatestudio.com/a-beauty-of-an-opening-weekend/

A beauty of an opening Weekend

How does Disney love the box workplace? Permit me to depend on the ways. The Burbank studio’s stay-movement retelling of Beauty and the Beast opened at $170 million domestically and $350 million globally, breaking more than one statistics. As VF.Com’s Joanna Robinson e-mails:

                                     Opening Weekend

Makeup Amazon

Disney can give greater way to shiny younger ladies for a huge haul; seventy-two percentage of the outlet-day audience turned into a female and forty-five percent became beneath the age of 25. So don’t count on Disney’s urge for food for live-movement reboots in their hit princes’ narrative to slow down anytime quickly. And in a generation in which superhero movies—like Logan and Deadpool—have been scoring large by way of going for a darker R-rated vibe, Beauty and the Beast just broke a report for keeping things easy. It squeaked beyond Batman v Superman’s $166 million to land the largest March and bested Finding Dory’s $one hundred thirty-five million to become the most worthwhile establishing for a PG-rated movie.

Watson’s paycheck is tied to the box workplace performance of the film, in line with The Hollywood Reporter’s Tatiana Siegel, and the 26-yr-old British actress stands to make as much as $15 million if Beauty and the Beast fits Maleficent’s final global tally of $759 million, which seems likely to appear in document time as colleges head into spring run in coming weeks.

Solely Homosexual Bucks

Disney’s big weekend follows the dustup over Splendor and the Beast’s “Completely Homosexual second,” a quick scene of guys dancing that stimulated Malaysian censors to try and reduce the movie, Russian cultural authorities to slap a 16+ score on it, and an Alabama force-in proprietor to pull Beast from the timetable. As CNN’s Brian Lowry tweeted of the file breaking container office, “Well, that homophobic theater owner in Alabama sure showed them.”

The censorship story continues to be unfolding: Disney has declined to release the film with Malaysia’s proposed cuts, and on Tuesday, an appeals committee inside the Southeast Asian u. S . A . will meet to recall whether or not to allow audiences there to see the full version. Some Malaysians are getting their LeFou repair besides—journalist Umapagan Ampikaipakan and his pals took an avenue experience to neighboring Singapore to see the film. In a Fb stay video they shot out of doors the theater and hashtagged #CanonBelleRun, Ampikaipakan stated he observed the subtext pretty diffused, and the movie “no more Homosexual or less Homosexual” than cross-dressing scenes in Malay dramas he saw growing up.

THE Electricity Behind THE Power RANGERS

Meanwhile, some other film is breaking barriers—Lionsgate’s new Electricity Rangers film can be the primary big price range superhero movie to function an L.G.B.T. Protagonist, reports T.H.R.’s Aaron Couch.

The L.A. Times’s Meg James has a colorful profile of Haim Saban, the Egyptian billionaire In the back of the franchise that has yielded 831 television episodes, billions of greenbacks in toys and merch, and the $100 million reboot arriving in film theaters this week. Saban, considered one of Hollywood’s largest Democratic contributors, will receive a celeb on the Hollywood Stroll of Repute this week. “Before everything I idea, perhaps it becomes a mistake, a form of Oscar-snafu in which they deliver the prize to the wrong individual,” Saban informed James. “I recollect myself a caricature schlepper, and for a cool animated film, they gave me a star. I’m humbled and grateful.”

VF.Com’s Yohana Desta e-mails:

Costco Job Openings

The Sundance Kid has something to say. On Sunday, Robert Redford penned an open letter about the significance of the Countrywide Endowment for the arts, which “performed a fundamental function” in supporting him create the Sundance Institute. Donald Trump currently proposed to dispose of investment for the N.E.A., a choice that has acquired backlash from the inventive network and beyond. “The proposed defunding of the N.E.A.’s budget could gut our country’s long records of help for artists and art applications and it might deprive all our residents of the culture and diversity the arts brings to our use,” Redford writes. “This is totally the incorrect approach at completely the incorrect time.” He then calls on supporters to get in contact with their neighborhood congressmen and upload their voices to the “refrain of involved residents”—which incorporates one Julie Andrews. You may examine the rest of Redford’s impassioned letter here, on the Sundance Institute’s website.

QUOTE OF THE DAY: STACEY SNIDER

20th Century Fox film boss Stacey Snider spoke at U.C.L.A. Law College’s 41st annual Enjoyment Symposium over the weekend. In a Q&A with L.A. movie czar Ken Ziffren, Snider copped to the demanding situations of strolling a studio in a technology of rapid technological exchange, but stated, “We like our devices, however, none of my devices are any good to me if I didn’t have precise shit to look at.” Closing date’s Dominic Patten has the spotlight reel.

The Pursuit of Splendor

At some stage in my trip to Long island at the Express Bus one morning, I had the corporation and delight of studying the March issue of Attraction mag. I started out by using analyzing the Letter from the Editor Linda Wells and stumped upon this striking seize word, the “pursuit of Beauty”. Linda explains this phenomenon to be just like the pursuit of the American Dream. It is “a right to decide and enhance our important selves, psychologically and physically…That transcends gender, magnificence, race, age and sexual orientation.” I thought to myself, “This is so real!” What man or woman nowadays does not want to be and sense lovely? There’s absolute confidence, that we as humans are acutely touchy to our physical appearances and could do anything to benefit or to hold our personal Splendor. Our insatiable need for all things “Beauty” proves that we are all in full pursuit and unapologetically so.

in line with dictionary.Com Splendor is “the great found in a component or individual that offers intense pleasure or gives deep satisfaction to the thoughts.” This emotional bond to satisfaction explains why Beauty performs this kind of giant element in our lives. We can’t help ourselves inside the presence of factors or folks that name to our sensibilities. bodily Splendor, although a be counted of flavor and opinion is likewise characterized by using society’s views. In most cultures, the existence of symmetry or stability is a figuring out an aspect of Beauty as it suggests the absence of “flaws” or “defects”. Facial balance, complexion, frame shape, and size, as well as youthfulness are all standardizations of Beauty. The characterization of Beauty but, cannot be understood without also understanding that Splendor has another facet to it – One that is not so physical, however as a substitute metaphysical (a more intangible element ). We can not always see or contact it, but its presence is simple. With that being said, we cannot exclude mental elements inclusive of personality, intelligence, politeness, elegance or charisma as figuring out elements in recognizing Splendor.

As I researched extra into this Splendor craze, I stumbled upon A few very exciting findings. To my surprise, (ok maybe not so amazed) researchers have determined that possessing bodily splendor can be pretty influential in a men and women life. Someone who is taken into consideration to be stunning is probable to get higher grades, receive better care from their doctors, acquire lighter prison sentences and earn more money. As though we do not have sufficient issues in the global today, now we recognize that uncontrollable elements like our God-given Beauty or “lack thereof”, is just every other social barrier to feature to our list. whether or not we well known it or now not, and whether we do that consciously or unconsciously, this sort of “lookism” has plagued our society for years and may shed A few light on the depth of self-esteem that exists in our world these days.

This daunting truth truly affects how we understand ourselves in addition to others. The snapshots we see on television additionally determine what we keep in mind to be lovely and is the riding force toward this search for perfection. We spend thousands of bucks and insurmountable time purchasing on-line or on the shops, purchasing all sorts of Beauty merchandise, making nail, hair, facial and botox appointments, studying fashion magazines and taking unique observe of what our favourite celebrities are wearing, doing and the use of to stay slim, youthful and sure, lovely.

Allow’s now not forget, that there has been as soon as a time when we were all mystified by the lovely fashions and celebrities, who perfectly walked the red carpets and flanked the covers of magazines effortlessly, or as a minimum so it appeared. We dreamed approximately being them and searching for them, wondering they had been born perfectly that way. thanks to our growing obsession with celebrity-life, the shameless and countless invasions of privacy via reality television, the social networks and the “tell-all” craze, we not only have the records and the knowledge but also get right of entry to the once “top mystery” every now and then intense, bodily enhancers.

don’t get me wrong, the “pursuit of Splendor” would not need to mean a trip to a plastic general practitioner, nor is it an elusive commodity reachable to most effective to the wealthy and famous. We are able to all be physically lovely! The multi-billion dollar Splendor industry has made positive to fulfill our each Splendor need through bombarding us with a plethora of services and products geared towards making our experience and look more youthful and extra lovely.The opportunities and assets to be had to us are endless on this branch. We’ve merchandise that make us look more youthful, merchandise that make our pores and skin smoother, products that make our stomachs flat, products that make our lips plumper, merchandise that deliver us fuller hair, merchandise that makes our lashes longer and thicker, stylists, eyebrow threaders, makeup artists, style developments that alternate every season, adornments like jewelry, necklaces, tattoos, hats etc all of us use these items to decorate our non-public Splendor and beauty in A few manner.

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The reality is, however, our pursuit of Splendor isn’t always pretty much exploiting our “sexual capital”. It’s no longer simply the bodily factor of Beauty that enamors us. we’re looking for an aggregate among the visible and the unseen – The bodily (outer) and the mental (inner) due to the fact they both thrive off each other. I really like many, accept as true with that true Beauty comes from inside. internal Splendor in my definition is that plain, profound light that shines from you and onto the world. It’s far your air of mystery, your spirit, the stamp you go away Behind after A person meets you for the primary time. My father likes to refer to this intangible, religious side of our human nature as the “internal guy” or “woman”. even though this “internal Beauty” may come less difficult to A few than others, It’s far the start ranges to fulfilling this intrinsic preference for bodily pride or happiness.