#and like they are superior bc they 'love humanity' even if they on every level in their lives do things that harm nature around them.....

[bunnihearted]

i thinkkk i thinkk ppl like just blaming the "oil companies" so that they can completely renounce any responsibility whatsoever and keep doing whatever they want without feeling a single drop of guilt 💀

[futureplayboibunnie]

sherlock x work rival reader. they're same on skills like sherlock has. and sherlock doesnt like it. on a case, they got partnered up, both of them hate it. at one point while gathering data/evidences, they got stuck on a closet/elevator, and things kinda heated up buttt they didnt go further bcs they were found/freed sooo later on that day, at night they continued it. 👀 🔥

basically a co worker rival, enemies to lovers, stuck on a closet trope one 😁

‘Sweetheart’

Sherlock Holmes x fem!reader

-DAMN. i lost the plot on this one BUT I LOVE THE IDEAAAAA <3 smutty enemies to lovers is my absolute fave, this is super long and should’ve definitely been a part 2 but fuck it we ball. enjoy u whores x

It was impossible. The slightest idea of someone attaining the same skill set as Sherlock made his eye twitch- but it wasn't an idea, it was a reality. You were impeding on everything he's ever known; the only person he knew that came close to his level of intelligence and observational deductions was Mycroft but he's hardly any threat to him, bonded by blood. You, however, were as pesky as you were threatening to his position and, to put it crudely, his ego.

Sherlock hated it, immensely. His blood burning cold at the mention and sight of your name. He cursed it relentlessly, no one could possibly be like him: he was one of a kind, a miracle of intelligence and a pioneer of human behaviour. It didn't seem like he was the only one. John seemed to mention you in passing only as a means to rile him up and lose his train of thought and confidence. He was always met with a defiant 'don't talk about her.' John had never seen him act like this before, almost as if he was threatened and scared; he was sure he wouldn't be able to live to see the day.

When you first walked into the room and presented yourself and called yourself a consulting detective, Sherlock laughed. When his eyes raked up to deduce everything and anything about your life, he was met with a hard and blank face- void of all emotion. Your face was almost lifeless, you weren't darting your eyes all around awkardly trying to figure out why Sherlock was laughing at...you stared directly at him with death defined and thinned eyes, absolutely not in the mood for games. You cocked and tilted your head whilst you stared him down blankly and he immediately caught that you weren't like anything he's experienced. You were extremely emotionally distant and didn't squander your time with games, your mouth was a hard line and you gave him a quick look of slight distaste. You didn't even ask who he was, you just ushered Lestrade to ‘’get "'him"' out of here.’’ The great Sherlock Holmes belittled down just to a 'him?' Did you not know who he was? The power his name held? He'd never experienced this type of treatment before and it made a slight shiver course through him.

You were now both here on another case, obviously not satiated with the amount of murder and death both sets of eyes see daily, an addict need of a daily fix. Lestrade had another one and surprisingly he needed both of you on it. Sherlock was despairing at the idea of both of you being partnered up, the woman he loathes, the woman he hates. It was his worst nightmare and now it was becoming a reality. Sherlock didn't have John with him either. He wanted to gather enough of you to catch you out with an overdue deduction and prove to everyone else you were nothing like him. That he would always remain superior.

‘’Why the hell is he here?’’ Your face could barely contain your annoyance at Lastrade, you were sure every bone in your body was turning brittle, the bones crunching by grinding your jaw. The dead body that you were all fawning over providing an insight into the case ahead.

‘’Get her out of here, I'll be able to get this finished by the end of the day without her pathetic ramblings.’’ Sherlock waved at you to shoo, completely undermining your competence.

‘’I'll be able to finish it in half the time.’’ You inched forward and scrutinised him through challenging eyes.

‘’Shut up, the both of you. I need your brains for this and I need you to work together, if not another person will end up like this and I doubt you'll want that kind of blood on your hands.’’ Lestrade finally struck the air as a means to shut you up.

‘’Brief me.’’ You said deapan.

‘’Female, 23, blunt force trauma to the head. It's likely that the same person that killed her killed the other four women we found earlier this month. she was about to wed but her engagement ring was-‘’

‘’Stolen!’’ You and Sherlock blurted at the same time, so sure of it all, incredible minds melding into one. His face darted to the side to register both of your reactions but you weren't as startled as he was.

‘’Time span is thinning. It's obvious he can't keep to his strict schedule of a kill every week...ohhh he's getting impatient he's getting sloppy and disorganised. Always have to wait for them to make a mistake, he took the ring and cut a good chunk of her hair off and stole the ring, he's motivated by rage and sexual drive now. The murder isn't just doing it for him anymore and oooooh that was his big mistake I’ll be able to find the guy in about 2 hours.’’' You hadn't even heard of the case before and you didn't even need to fully inspect the body, only briefed by a few sentences and you already knew what he was doing next. Your smirk and brightened face only told stories of certain and unwavering success.

Sherlock was about to deduce the exact same thing but his face was frozen and his mouth forgot how to speak, he couldn't get a word in edgeways. Lastrade just gave you a funny look and Sherlock's eyes held a noticeable fear. He had never felt threatened in his life before but he shook the thought out of his head and his obnoxious hubris rose once again.

‘’Trophies.’’ Sherlock said way too casually as he walked out of the room of where the body was laying, you and Lestrade on his coat tails like always.

‘’Collecting trophies as a way for compensating for his erectile dysfunction and 2 hours..? Let go of yourself sweetheart, I'd be the one to tell you that you're spreading yourself thin but I think you know that already.’’

‘’Call me sweetheart and I think I'll start my own trophy collection.’’ You pulled him back to stop him in his tracks and look in his stupidly smug face while you were promising on your threat.

‘’I'd like to see you try and fail.’’ Sherlock was inching closer to your face as a means to intimidate you but it wasn't working, he was just met with this challenging mutual stare, unwavering, faces filled with contempt like two arguing children.

‘’Stop bickering...and get this sorted. Now.’’ Lestrade rolled his eyes and parted ways with both of you, on his way to check in on the actual detectives on the case and not two amateur genuises he so graciously let in on these cases.

You and Sherlock began walking out of the house to catch a taxi and the disdain and cold attitudes were radiating off of the both of you. It's not that he hated the idea of a partner, John was a fine example of that, he just hated that someone else in the world other than his bloodline was able to read people like he can. Though he was physically unable to admit it, it was also because you were a woman. The scent of your hair when you put it up, the quirk of your eyebrows when you were focused in on something and drowning the rest of the world out. He couldn't read you. It was just a drawn out question mark.

‘’Don't need 2 hours to figure out that the suspect is white, mid 40s and lives in a suburbian eutopia, divorced, rarely sees his kids but lives in a house big enough to fill the extended family he doesn't have.’’ You thumbed the taxi down and both of you clambered in on the back.

‘’A fairly obvious conclusion. How'd you get to it?’’ He said with clear sarcasm watering his words.

‘’It's always the middle aged white guy people have to be afraid of. Bundy, Son of Sam. ...Anyone with a brain stem knows that.’’

‘’Not because you've been indoctrinated by true crime documentaries and podcasts from a young age?’’ Sherlock deduced and your eyes darted to his in surefire surprise, you weren't sure how he knew that. You took your time displacing all of your personal matters, it was a skill no one can have: being able to see through you. You tried to feign your nervousness and ignore what he just said. It could of been a bias guess into how you got into this field of work. No big deal.

‘’Highgate. He lives in Highgate.’’ Sherlock stated simply as if the answer was clear all along; you couldn't see it however and your face was of utter confusion when you stared at his smug smirk. ‘’Driver take us to Highgate please.’’ He said to the taxi driver and the car started moving.

‘’How could you possibly know that?’’ You sounded more surprised than you ought to; it was difficult to deny that he was incredibly talented, he was the only one that can see and think the way you can. Sherlock had the ability to breeze through the things that everyone thought was impossible like you could. You admired that, but he made it his mission to thrive through revalry. Granted you never liked him in the first place but you hated him even more for making everything a competition for the sake of hatred. The boiling blood between you was heating up once more.

‘’See I'm right, you're just like them. It's obvious, isn't it? The thin layer of mud on the floor next to the body is tinged yellow, something native to Highgate and only Highgate. clear as day.’’ Sherlock was obnoxious in tone, belittling you through subtext and quite literally.

‘’Hm.’’ You huffed and by that he took that you were impressed, he smiled out of the window before an idea pinged in his head whilst looking at the hotel in his peripheral.

Hotel. His eyes creased at the thought as if he was thinking. The small fragments of information coursing through his mind to spell out: Hotel.

The next murder is going to be in a hotel. He's taunting the police. He's murdering near every crime scene he leaves.

‘’Stop the car!’’ He yelled at the driver and you were pulled out of your daze, mind rattled with the obvious but still unexpected shift in character. The taxi stopped to a halt, the breaks searing hot as the vehicle was outside the hotel.

‘’What?! What is it!?’’ You yelled after Sherlock as he stumbled out of the taxi, his movements sharp and rigid.

‘’Hotel!’’

‘’Sherlock! You fucking idiot, wait!’’ You hurridely pulled out a few bills and shoved it in the drivers face before ultimately following him in his tracks and shutting the car door.

His mind was racing, he didn't have time to catch up with you and your frail movements. A muder was going to happen at some point here in this hotel and he was going to be the one to find him and catch him in the act. You were both in the cool, marbled lobby with the obvious fake and overdone gold finery. Sherlock was rushing to the elavator and you hated that you felt inclined to follow him and his absurd ideas, you hated him but you respected his leads. You were't completely warped and cut off from amicable society like he was.

‘’Elevator.’’ Sherlock punched the arrow up on the steely metal elevator. It was a janky thing, shaking as it arrived down and pinged at where you both where. It finally came to you in a flash through your foggy mind, Hotel. The killer was getting cocky, he's killing near the crime scenes as a display of power. Your eyes widened as you both got in, giddy on the fact you were going to catch this guy in the act. only you and Sherlock would be dizzy with glee over something as morbid as this.

"21. Floor 21.’’ You got to the number quicker than Sherlock did, his mouth quirked slightly as you crossed over his body to get to the pad and the way you finally caught on, he didn't even get to the idea of which floor he could be on. He could feel the scent of you, it was palpable. You smelt sweet, not too sugary not too clean. Just a natural sort of musk he couldn't seem to define which brand it was from.

You both looked straight ahead to the bleakness of metal infront of you as the elevator was lifting you up like a cloud in air. No need to talk when your thoughts were enough chatter in your heads. The jolt of the elevator dragged you out of your head, the sudden clang and whirr making everything around you seem less secure. Until it fully stopped.

‘’Shit.’’You blasphemed as you went over to the pad and pressed the button that made you talk to reception or control. All you heard was radio silence, the buzzing of it just intense static. ‘’Hello? Can you hear us? We're stuck.’’

You attempted to convey something but you were met with no one. House with the lights on and no one home.

‘’Hello? Get your silly little heads out of your arseholes and-‘’ Sherlock was already starting with people who weren't even there and you had to cut him off before he was about to go on a tangent with an imaginary ghost.

‘’Call Lestrade. Let him make the arrest.’’ You turned to face Sherlock, eyes exhausted and tired but obviously not surprised you would end up in an small enclosed area with him of all people. God, as if this day couldn't get any worse, you were sure you were experiencing your worst nightmare. You were met with Sherlock's aghast expression, as if someone had taken his favourite toy away.

‘’What? No! I'm catching this idiot, I found him, I'm going to see the life leave his eyes when I find him.’’

‘’A woman's life is on the line here, can you just stuff down your obnoxious hubris for one second and think about someone else for a split second of your life? Call Lestrade and tell him we're here.’’ Your face was that of sorrowful pity, all of this intelligence you harboured didn't wash away your compassion or your humanity like Sherlock did. He was jarred at your emotional ties with a woman you never even met, your eyes wer wild in fear and it was difficult seeing you lose yourself like this, he'd never seen you not calm and collected before.

With a huff, he grabbed his phone and called the number and told him everything and within a few minutes the telltale sound of sirens blared through your ears. You let out a sigh of relief when you heard the clamouring. Moments later, Sherlock answered his ringing phone and Lastrade's voice fell through.

‘’We've got him. You were right. We'll get you out of that elevator as soon as we can.’’

Your mind calmed when Sherlock hung up, now you had to fill up this awkward silence that was clouding between you both. It was swinging in the air and it was intensely tangable, your shoulder blades tensed when you crossed your arms. He always wore that cologne and you were unsure why that was the only thing you were thinking of right now. You were both leaning against the walls, so cold in your expressions; small breaths of impatience breaking through the silence.

When you weren't looking, Sherlock took this as an opportunity to scan you properly and not just through stolen glances. He needed to analyse you in a way that was different from the normal human because if you were like him you weren't in the band and social norm that is considered 'normal. Your skirt was vintage. Shirt and blazer firmly pressed. You valued simplicity, chicness but with a indivuality inspired twist with the vintage skirt. Your legs were bare but he could see the sheen of your stockings and thigh highs, you liked a little attention. Your heels were high, but it wasn't for show- you could actually walk in them for hours without your feet hurting. No ring. Unmarried? When his eyes raked up to your face, the dim elevator light shone onto your features; it made your eyes gleam and your lips plumpen- you were chewing on it now impatiently. It wasn't a nervous habit, you were bored. You had a sweet face that was blushing now, he wasn't sure why. It would be a lie to say you werent attractive and he was too tired to lie about it. It felt like the walls were closing in every second he was near you. The scent of you was becoming more potent.

You on the other hand didn't even need to look at him. You hated him. You hated him in every way, but what made you so drawn to him? You were never one for following anyone else but when Sherlock stumbled out of the taxi you found your feet following him and indenting every step he took, you trusted his opinion and you were awaiting his long overdue deduction of you- if anything you were looking forward to it. Sherlock was hot. He really was, physically. You once imagined what it would feel like to rub your fingers through his soft curls but you made the thought scarce, his eyes were a stark powder blue but his lips were sharply shaped but looked soft- you wondered what it would feel like to kiss it. He was a walking paradox that you wanted to unfurl. He couldn't hide behind the suits, the scarves and the coats any longer.

‘’What's taking them so long?’’You groaned into your palms before running your fingers through your hair.

‘’You can handle immense amounts of pressure but you can't deal with the slightest bit of boredom?’’ He questioned pompously.

‘’And you can? At least I don't shoot holes in walls at every given opportunity.’’ You weren't in the mood to play games and he was pushing you to the edge, you were too frustrated to even consider it. The claustraphobia was finally beginning to settle in.

‘’It's all relative.’’ Sherlock was obviously pleased with himself that he got you all snarky. He was still working the profile of you in his mind, with every moment he stared at you the pieces of you were flitting together. He was sure he got some sort of answer by the end of it to finally look you in the eye and tell you your own secrets. He smirked at the thought.

Silence settled through the air and it was even more awkward than before, so you thought it was best to rip the bandaid off now.

‘’So, are you finally going to deduce me and all of my dirty secrets?’’ You breathed, eyes slightly squinted in teasing defense.

‘’They can't handle it.’’ His fingers went to his temple to rub slightly before travelling down to his lips.

‘’What?’’

‘’They can't handle it. I feel as though you place your entire worth in your relationships and not your vast amount of intelligence. Relationships aren't a mystery to you, men are attracted to you, so obviously enthralled by your intelligence and aesthetically pleasing features but I'm sorry to say they look at your body first. The men that dare to play with you want your body more than anything else and after they have their way with you, they hate the way that you're more intelligent than they are. You clearly were never happy with any of the sex either, you've always been so tense since I've known you. Even I know what happens when a woman is faced with constant disappointment in the bedroom. The men can't handle that kind of emotional dominance in their lives. They simply can't.’’

Your eyes slowly started to widen with every word he uttered, he was way too casual in his words and the way his fingers were sliding over your lips was making your insides tighten. You haven't told anyone about anything with your experience with men, let alone the fact that you haven't came in so long. Embarrassment coursed through your shoulder blades at the sentiment but you felt something even more potent travel through you...the way Sherlock looked at you, the way his eyes darkened under the dim lamp light of the elevator. You weren't sure of the thoughts flying through his head. You inched closer to him, the space between you closing slightly.

‘’Am I wrong?’’ He raised an eyebrow, his voice husky and low.

‘’Never said you were wrong.’’ You said immediately, impassive in your emotions and tone as you crossed your arms.

‘’Have your go at me then.’’ His eyes involuntarily flitted to your lips.

‘’You did what they asked you to...not what you wanted. You're frustrated but you'd never admit it. You've seen naked women but not in a long time and when you did you weren't letting loose, maybe you're scared you think you won't be able to get it up but no...you're scared that you'll be contained in a box in bed. You want to experiment with something new. You want more. You've wanted more for a while now. God, if you saw a naked woman right now, you'd probably have to put your dick in a wheelbarrow.’’

Sherlock felt his heart skip a beat. He didn't like the specitivity of it, he felt like you saw through him with your vulgar words and his eyes were darkening. It was a lazy and fairly obvious deduction that he so clearly had a blind spot towards. With every word, you felt your feet inching closer and closer to him. Your faces weren't too far apart from each other and a small smile tugged on his lips.

‘’Was I good?’’ You stared down at his lips, mindlessly flirting with him as you chewed on your own. Sherlock readjusted his jaw before gawking down on you. The woman he hates...asking for his accolades. Damn. Before he could respond, the elevator jolted and was whirring up again.

Within a split second, the elevator doors opened and you were greeted with Lestrades exhausted face.

‘’Dear God, finally.’’ You huffed before ultimately clacking out and away onto the marble.

Sherlock stared at the sway of your hips and the pleasing view of your back profile, more importantly your ass. Jesus. He felt like a teenager the way his cock twitched in his pants at the sight of your stockings peeking through. He was just stood there frozen, watching you walk away from him...so confident. So sure. This was surely a night he would be set not to forget any time soon.

—-

You were about to get ready for bed. Undressing of your skirt, tights and blazer but when you were about to unbutton your suit shirt off there was a knock at your door. It was 11 at night, who could possibly be wanting to see you at this hour? You looked through the keyhole of your apartment door and you were shellshocked to see Sherlock at your door.

You were externally angry but internally panicking, you were half naked and he was at your door. You unlocked it and creaked it open slightly.

‘’What the fuck are you doing here Sherlock?’’ Your voice was drenched in fatigue, too consumed by the confusioning emotions and events of today.

‘’Open the door.’’ He demanded authoritatively, not in the mood for any games.

‘’Why would I do that?’’You retaliated but with that Sherlock but a large hand to the door and pushed it open- you weren't fighting back to close it. It only confirmed everything you felt.

‘’I said. Open. The door.’’ He let himself in and locked it back when he entered your sacred space.

‘’What do you want?’’ You questioned briskly, a cute little pep in your voice. He took his scarf and coat off and unbuttoned his blazer.

‘’You.’’He stated lowly as if he hasn't been sure of anything else in his entire life. Your body was malfunctioning, you were frozen by the heaviness of his words. The legendary Sherlock Holmes wanted you? You were sure you were locked in a daze, your mind crowded and foggy with this admission of honesty, but you felt as if this was a test or experiment of sorts.

‘’That's funny, tell another one.’’ You chuckled lowly, thinking it was his sick form of a twisted joke. You were about to move away before he caught onto your wrist and tugged you into him, you were against his chest and you felt yours cave.

You looked up at him, eyes bewildered and unsure of what his next move was. The rest of your face was hard, you weren't going to show him that he affected you like this; he was an asshole, hell bent on destroying and disillusioning everyone, that wasn't the type of person you liked but God... Sherlock was something entirely different yet similar to you. You liked having someone to banter with, the constant back of forth of insults and playful remarks. It was agitating and impossible but also incredibly fun. He said that men can't handle you, but he's not like other men.. is he.

You were sure he could handle you and you were filling to let him fall free reign over you.

‘’Listen to me. I want you…I want to see you naked. I want to feel every inch of your body when I make you feel everything that they couldn't. I don’t even need to ask because you’ve been giving me fuck me eyes all day, face flushed, thinking of the dirty things you’d rather have unseen, but considering our history... do you want that from me?’’ His breath was shaky and heavy and you were about to melt at any moment, your voice hitched in your throat.

‘’You teasing me?’’ You gave him a crooked half smile.

‘’No. If I could punish you I would.’’

‘’Who says you cant?’’

Sherlock was about to lose his mind, he was desperate and didn't have a clear head; any other time he might have been more graceful with his movements but you got him so madly insane he was willing to lash out.

He tugged you back into your bedroom and you let out a little yelp when he dragged you along, it's like the man had a spidey sense of your bedroom when he'd never been in your apartment before. His ego inflated with every breath you took, eyes alight when he kicked your door shut. When he turned back to face you, your lips were immediately on his, he found it adorable that you tiptoed just to reach him. You were right: his lips were soft, delicatessant and you opened up your mouth just to taste at him. sherlock spared no time in shrugging his blazer off but your fingers were patient, you ripped your lips away from his to look him intensely in his eyes whilst you unbuttoned his shirt one by one. He was revelling in your tease but he wanted you now. It was clear the way his hands immediately ripped open your shirt, the buttons flying everywhere. Your tongue tangled with his and you immediately discarded of his shirt, fingernails digging into his shoulder when he finally threw you on your bed.

‘’Not so posh now are you?’’ You flirted bashfully, absolutely adoring this change of pace he provided.

‘’Not so smart when I fuck you so hard you'll forget your own name.'’’ He gritted as he flipped you on your front so you were on all fours, in this position he could easily snap your bra off and rip your underwear off. And he did...fast. He was itching to get his hands on you.

‘’Sherlock. ..please.’’ You whined for his fingers on you.

You stifled a moan when you felt his lips kiss at your shoulder blade, travelling down to savour the taste of your skin; he can't believe he had you naked under him and you looked as beautiful as ever. You shivered when he bit down hard, he left a multitude of blossoming purple bites on your skin. You felt yourself grow impatient and you made it clear by your whines.

‘’Stay. Still.’’ He demanded and you tried your best to oblige but you couldn't.

‘’Fuck you! I ca-can't.’’ You tried your best not to scream but he was going far too slow for your pleasure.

‘’I said. Stay. Still.’’ A palm landed on your backside and he pushed your torso further down on the bed, no longer perching yourself on your own hands. He left another hard slap on your ass, slowly turning warm and pink under his coarse palms.

‘’Fuck!’’ You moaned, still shaking under him.

‘’I'll reward you if you stay still.’’ His voice was low and husky and it was making you so damn wet. You actually tried to stop shaking under him for that delicious reward you so relentlessly craved; you forced yourself to stop shaking.

‘’Good girl. Well done sweetheart.’’ Sherlock brightened at the pet name he gave you, he knew you hated it but in this context your moan proved otherwise. As a reward he bit one of your cheeks, leaving an indent in there as a means to claim you and mark you up as his. He smoothed the bite with a tender kiss and you found yourself blushing. ‘’My sweetheart. Not so mean now are you?’’ He mocked.

‘’Please just..inside Sherlock…I need to feel you. I'm begging you.’’ You tried your hand at begging and the amicable scoff he let out made you believe he was delighted by it. You? Begging? He never would have heard that in a million years. He gave you another cheeky spank before unzipping and tugging his pants and boxers down. You were right, he absolutely did need to put his dick in a wheelbarrow, he was so hard it hurt.

He grabbed your hair and tugged you by it when he slowly and torturously slid himself inside of you. He was so big, he was stretching you out unfathomably wide and you clung onto him tight. God he felt so good and him pulling on your hair exasterbated the fact tenfold. He rutted himself inside of you and you jolted up the bed, your moans bouncing off every wall and his low grunts panting in your ear when he bent down to kiss your neck. You couldn't string a single sentence together he was making you lose any sentient composure you thought you once had.

‘’Not so innocent are you sweetheart?'’

You couldn't answer him, not when you were completely spiralling and he was the cause of it. His cock ramming in and out of you at the brutal pace he so mercilessly set, you were so wet for him and you hated it. The man you hated for so long is fucking you in your own bed.

You never thought you'd live to see the day.

You were nearing the edge and he was losing himself in you, when he took your hands and held them in a tight iron like grip behind the small of your back you weren't sure if you could cry or scream in pleasure. You were on the brink and you weren't sure when you were coming back. He drew out a prolonged moan when you came onto him, that white wash of euphoria clouding your peripheral as you let your body go limp under him. The sound of your sweet wet moans made Sherlock spiral and he emptied himself in you, he let out a gutteral groan as he watched the sweat travel down your back. He stilled before rolling off of you and plating himself on the pillow beside you,

Your face stayed buried in the pillow for a little before you ultimately looked up and made yourself face the ceiling. You were both panting like lunatics, his curls were stickinf to his forhead and his brow gleaming from sweat. silence hung in the air for a while.

‘’C'mere.’’ He finally said with a sly smile, throwing his head back as an indicator.

You let yourself melt into him, you head on his chest as he embraced you with his big arms, tracing small shapes on your arms as you slung your leg around him.

‘’The elevator break on your way up here?'’’

———

i got so carried away but i love it sm 🫶

[yakultii]

I kid you not I was just sitting in the uni library and before getting up to give up for the day and leave I wrote in my notes app kinda jokingly but kinda not:

“maybe western beliefs are just so wrong maybe no amount of doctor can fix me maybe I am simply cursed lol for I have sinned many times and seek no forgiveness - a new level of insanity or clarity” (Ik my notes are full of weird shit.. I was also studying medical dominance and how westerners have made it seemingly superior to other forms of health practices/understandings such as religious sin etc for context)

AND I WALK OUT OF THE LIBRARY, START WALKING HOME WITH MY SAD MUSIC ON REPEAT, ON THE VERGE OF TEARS FOR NO REASON(bc life rough but im fine), ON THE EDGE OF CAMPUS AND AM FULLY FINDING MYSELF WILLINGLY BEING PREACHED TO BY A CULT about the heavenly mother oh my god they’re getting smarter LIKE SM SMARTER cause I almost believed this was just a hella feminist Christian for a solid 10 minutes help im out of practice I haven’t been approached by a cult member in like 6 months cos I rarely leave the house ANYWAYS luckily for me I have an unhealthy special interest? in the researching of cults and every single step of their indoctrination particularly the correlation of various korean cults indoctrinating australian white women (when I say cults I don’t just mean religious organisation, cos while there is valid argument that all religion could TECHNICALLY be cult-like, I need u to know I respect religion for others and what it is and am aware there are some prominent factors which differentiate normal religious organisation from genuine proper cult) luckily this particular cult wasn’t going to take me to meet its rapist leader in korea like most the other in melb but it does isolate u from ppl u know and force u to “donate” all ur money lmao fail bc im already socially isolated and I have no money LOLOOL anyways usually they ask for ur number but they also have half given up when u tell them u used to be religious and ur not anymore bc ur critical but this time they just gave me their number cos I think they thought I was like fully convinced cos I was stupidly engaging in the discourse with half interest (but only bc I was trying to make sense if what they were telling me was accurate or not from a religious standpoint bc I was raised Catholic) but sneakily she was telling me all about the Hebrew bible and shit with examples of Hebrew text I couldn’t read LOLOL and what I rlly should have said is god is not my mother or father bitch my (ex) god ain’t male or female, my god if existent be a genderless non human spirit referred to as “he” bc we live in a patriarchal society where male pronouns are pretty standard in referring to just about anything in English language ANYWAYS I lowkey love engaging w cult members while some ppl say dangerous I usually detach my interest while talking as further research into their communicative ways but today I was caught so off guard bc at my particular uni there are usually just religious preachers sometimes who have no ill intent and see my gay stickers on my laptop and give up before they even start knowing they are gonna fail but these ppl defs didn’t go to my uni they were just waiting on the outskirts for sad uni students to approach LMAO mission accomplished also they told me im a good listener when I was like zoning out bc I said yes yes yes when they asked me if I was aware of particular religions events and terms lol that was not very convincing bc I was not demonstrating good listening at all ANYWAYS this was a pointless and probably an incomprehensible story that I cbf reading over hope u enjoyed stay safe don’t go getting indoctrinated into a cult

[marciabrady]

The Little Mermaid 2 and 3 (bring it on!)

The Little Mermaid 2 and 3:

my all-time ultimate fave character: we all know it's ariel lbr but...again not to be too predictable, andrina! she's SO much funny in every incarnation i read of her and she's the only character that seems to make it with a semblance of character integrity (even more so than ariel who does NOT fare well with these sequels)

a character I didn’t used to like but now do: king triton maybe? i still think he has abusive tendencies and certain things frustrate me about him to no end but i think he's realistic and there's a weight to him that's intriguing to me

a character I used to like but now don’t: queen athena. i thought she was pretty as a kid and i liked her whole voice/singing to the kids plot thing but i just think she's so uninspired and lazy and her voice isn't even that good, her design is blah, and i don't think ariel's mom is that lady lol sorry

a character I’m indifferent about: hm. benjamin??? i guess it's fine that they kinda gay-coded him and it's some representation but he's marina's sidekick, and marina is the ultimate ick, and idk he's just so bland anyway that it's hard to feel anything for him outside of what he is

a character who deserved better: andrina! she deserved WAY more lines and screentime. i wish they got the original andrina back but tara did her best, i guess

a ship I’ve never been able to get into: carlotta and grimsby. like i get they're both side characters that are a man and a woman but obligatory hetero ships that have no chemistry aren't my thing (this is directed at the fandom, the movie doesn't really put them together)

a ship I’ve never been able to get over: i think aquata and that boy they put her with in the third movie are cute i guess? again i'm actively trying not to say ariel/eric

a cute, low-key ship: um. melody and that blonde boy??? i guess

an unpopular ship but I still enjoyed it: ??? there aren't really any other ships in these movies, they honestly don't offer much

a ship that was totally wrong and never should have happened: melody and that guy she danced with in the beginning of the second movie, but that was the point so

my favourite storyline/moment: hm...uh. um. uhhh OH WAIT i do love ariel singing in that hazy room in the beginning of the second movie. the animation is like rugrats level bad BUT jodi's singing carries it

a storyline that never should have been written: THE THIRD MOVIE. i will go to my grave standing by the fact that i think the banishment of music is the DUMBEST plot i've ever heard of/seen in all of hollywood and the fact that disney is SUCH a difficult company to break into and it's so competitive and it's supposed to hold the highest standards for its craft and THAT plot wasn't ridiculed in its initial pitch in the writer's room and how that plot not only contradicts THE FIRST SCENE we see of ariel missing the concert in her original movie but doesn't even make any sense, given that she gives her voice up to be human so clearly she doesn't care about music THAT much is baffling like the minimum wage character performers in the parks get better training on integrity than the writers from that movie

my first thoughts on the show: i honestly never cared about either movie but i think i disliked the third movie less when i first saw it because tlm2 made melody the main character and that really irritated me as a child because i didn't want to see her and her walrus and penguin, i wanted more ariel who was delegated as a side character bc i guess older women or moms just aren't interesting/worthy of being main characters???

my thoughts now: for as much as i personally dislike the second movie, i'm still glad we have it because i think some of jodi benson's singing is superior to any of her other recordings and i'm genuinely astounded by her talent in some songs. the third movie though is painful and i hate it and it makes me resent disney lol

[carnival-core]

Ok fuck it this’ll get it’s own post . I said I’d say my Evelyn Deavor thoughts out loud when I got more a brain and I . Vaguely have one . So!! Weird start to a post defending a character’s writing, but the biggest mistake everyone who’s complained about her character has made thus far is thinking she’s supposed to be smart and logical because She Said she’s smart and logical. 

Evelyn Deavor is, on enough of a level to serve her needs, really fucking smart. A tech wiz, who knows Just enough about how the human mind works to serve her needs - Just as much as she’d need to make her hypno-tech not utter failures. But the thing I hardcore disagree with compared to most people, is the opinion that her intelligence shown in the movie ending there is a writing flaw. BC . The places where she falls flat are consistent? Consistent enough to feel intentional. And also, Really compelling, at least to me. To the point I think people would love her were it not for the fact she was in a Disney movie, and given less time to shine through in her role than she probably deserved (though honestly she had more time as a villain than most twist villains). She’s not an infallible genius, she’s a pessimist with an ego, the type to look at those with optimism in their hearts and feel Oh, she’s clearly superior, she doesn’t live in such childish extremes - even though she lives a childish extreme her whole life. Her brother and her both went through something traumatic as children. They both lost their own parents - and presumably, almost died themselves - because their father was too reliant on something that was not infallible in it’s own right. Her brother’s childish mind took a childish route to explain this - “Superheroes went away, so mom and dad went away.” It was logic Evelyn bashed heavily in the movie herself. But.. hers was Not much better.  “Superheroes exist to begin with, so mom and dad went away” was the logic she fell to in her own childlike, traumatized brain - just as much an extreme, but one she tried to sell as logical, because hers was more bitter, hers was more angry. She let her bitterness and anger consume her as a whole for all her life up until, and perhaps beyond the movie. She is canonically, a bitter, suicidal alcoholic. She drank in almost every scene she was in, when she was trying to trick the Parrs - she barely hid her own general contempt for superhero worship or the way modern tech was advancing to push reliance on non-infallible forces -- When her brother showed he was not going to be on her side for her plan, she tried to kill herself. She sent her plane crashing toward the sea on purpose, knowing that was the most likely outcome. She did not believe Helen would save her, she expressed both her shock and disgust at the fact well enough. She is a bitter, angry, pessimistic woman who could not see any other point of view, who let her childishly extremely pessimistic view of the world spurred by her trauma she perhaps probably both could not get help for and did not Want help for consume her , and she saw everyone who ever disagreed with her as an idiot who she could begrudgingly tolerate until she could make them see the truth. These were consistent traits that were barely , if at all , shoehorned in by the twist. I think the biggest downfall to her character As a character is people believing -- Oh, She portrays herself as infallibly intelligent, so the writers must want me to think she is. I find smth a little ironic abt this fact but I can’t put it in words

[gerec]

How do you feel about the whole “humans are beneath us and mutants are superior” feeling in the current run of the comics? On one hand, for me it feels amazing bc time and time again it’s proven that humanity is awful and clearly unwilling to coexist with humans. So the unwillingness to put up with them and have power over them feels good. Taste of your own medicine and all that. On the other hand, I also find it profoundly disturbing on a level I know is partly human bias on my part, but ultimately hearing how one race is inferior and “you have new gods now” is still something truly icky to me as well in a series where mutants stand in for minority groups, bc it’s still a belief that any race can be said to be less than and we’re meant to cheer for that?

Hi Anon, thanks for your ask! I don't think I have anything particularly enlightening or interesting to say on this topic but I will tell you that I am 110% into this current Krakoan era of X-Men comics. I've loved everything about it - the mutants giving amnesty to their worst villains and everyone starting with a fresh slate, the establishment of a new mutant nation, the Quiet Council, the resurrection protocols, turning Mars into a liveable planet - it's fantastic story telling. I'm tired of mutants being persecuted and genocided in verse and the Avengers et al doing fuck all about it, and I truly can't blame them for choosing to stop fighting each other and retreat from the wider world to their own mutant paradise. Who wouldn't want to do that if they had the option?

I know some fans don't like the way the mutants (particularly the X-Men) have become 'isolationists', but the mutants aren't - imo - meant to be directly analogous to minority groups in the real world. I also don't believe that every mutant - or even the majority of mutants - has the same 'we're superior to humans' mentality as characters like Magneto or Exodus; most of them just want to live their lives freely and feel safe. What matters most are the actions being taken by the new nation in relation to humans - which is that they are going to make it an outright law not to harm/kill humans, and they're going to give them the gift of their miracle medicine in exchange for a recognition of nation hood. Krakoa's existence itself poses no downside to any human who isn't actively trying to hurt/kill mutants, and in fact the X-Men still exist as a team to help save the world from threats. They are not evicting any native population from their lands and colonizing it to create their nation, so humans have zero claim/say over Krakoa (or Mars/Arrako imo, since it was an uninhabitable planet until the mutants terraformed it and made it liveable).

Anyway, I think I've rambled on in circles and haven't been terribly coherent - sorry lol! I am staunchly on the mutants side' on this one, because the worst they've done so far is buy up corporations to exert influence on the global economy (which is no different than what every other country does), while humans have sent wave after wave of assassins to murder their leaders/people (I forget how many times Xavier has died since Hox started) so maybe some humans just really fucking suck and need to stop trying to kill people for no goddamn reason lol.

[chososheart]

SPOILER

What opinion would Eren have on each character and who would he think that had worse death on squid game

uuu interestinggg, tysm for asking <33

spoilers for: squid game, and aot chapter 139 if you squint

CW: death ig

okok, imma go from least favorites, to favorites. And then I’ll talk ab their deaths.

Cho Sang-woo: at the beginning of the series, he liked sang-woo and rooted for him. He excused some of his behavior with him “just being calculated.” He grew to dislike him when he traded his humanity for money and abused of other people’s kindness.

Oh Il-nam: Eren kinda thought he was a bit fishy at the start, but that’s just bc of all the phycological thrillers he watches. He knew he would be important but completely forgot about it when he ‘died’. He was kinda shocked to see him alive, but not too much. Like, he didn’t gasp or anything.

In-ho: thinks he has a superiority complex and doesn’t like it. “Oh just because your mask is different you think you all that, huh?” He guessed it was the stepdad of Gi-hun’s daughter under that mask at first. Made a whole theory ab it too. He’s so dumb😖😖

Jang Deok-su: doesn’t like him one bit. The second he saw how he treated sae-byeok, he disliked him. He knows the game is about survival, but he still doesn’t like the way he abused of his power and strength.

The Salesman: thinks he’s hot LMAOO. Definitely quirked an eyebrow when he said, “you can use your body to pay up.” Doesn’t really think anything of him. Yeah, he’s shitty for luring people in, but that’s all he knows about his character.

Han Mi-nyeo: finds her annoying, he had to double check that bathroom scene when she went to smoke bc “ain’t no mf way.” Constantly asked if she truly had an unnamed child, or if it was just her being…her. Although he cringes a lot when she’s on screen, he can’t help but laugh too, she’s funny, he’ll giver her that.

Ji-yeong: liked how chill her character was, in comparison with everyone else.

Hwang Jun-ho: if someone made Eren’s anxiety skyrocket in this show, it was this mf💀 when he first followed the van that took the mc to the game, he kept yelling at the tv “call for backup, don’t go alone. Tell them where you are.” His legs would tremor every time he’d take that damn mask off. But he overall, liked that he decided to listen to the ‘crazy man’ (mc) and go out of his way, to not only help him, but gather as much evidence as possible, even if he put his life at risk.

Seong Gi-hun: didn’t like him at first, actually, he fucking hated his guts. Doesn’t like where his priorities are—considering he missed his daughter’s birth; and didn’t like that he, at his old age, leached off his mom and dared to have any kind of attitude towards her. He slowly warmed up to his character after seeing how kind and helpful to others he was, for example, II-nam, sae-byeok, Ali, etc. He liked his development, and that he truly felt the heaviness and cost of having all that money under his possession. Got pissed when he prioritized other people rather than his family, again.

Kang Sae-byeok: oh boy. He has a lil crush on her, but don’t we all? Her character kinda, KINDA, if you squint a little, reminds him of Mikasa—just some parts of it. Everything she did for her family, how she always kept her guard up, and how tough she was, reminds him of her. Especially how protective she was. He loved it when she reminded the mc to not stoop down to sang-woo’s level. Cried again bc her kindness was taken advantage of by the man she let live.

Abdul Ali: he likes him the most because he has a few qualities that remind him of Armin. The way he’s respectful and kind, but gets fucked over for it, is something he watched happen way too many times with his best friend. It had him sobbing how he almost won, but his kindness made him blindly trust sang-woo. He was so close and he had a family, who he cared so much about, waiting for him at home. basically, sacrificed himself for them but ended up dying without ever getting to explain anything… sound familiar? sorry :(

Who Eren thinks had the saddest deaths:

(from least to most)

Sang-woo: Eren took sang-woo’s suicide at the end as a “way of running away because he knew he’d leave empty-handed.” do I need to say more? he sees him as a traitor.

Il-nam: eh, it was obvious, look at him. He didn’t really care but, he liked how he was proven wrong (ab the whole homeless man, people’s kindness, thing, blah, blah, blah.) as he died.

Jun-ho: “HE’S NOT DEAD!!” Is what Eren screams every time you bring him up💀 he has this whole theory on how in-ho (conceited mask man) purposely shot him in the shoulder so that he wouldn’t die, just like how jun-ho shot in-ho in the shoulder too, and he’s fine!! He’s fully convinced that after he fell in the water, he just swam back to shore🤩🤩 he thinks he’s gonna make an appearance in season two, and help the mc.

Deok-su: He said, “fucking finally.” Was tired of, not only seeing mi-nyeo get humiliated by him but of seeing ppl having to sleep with one eye open😖

Mi-nyeo: liked how she died with style and how she took deok-su with her LMAOO. Didn’t really care, he was too focused on the game.

Ji-yeong: he knew she was gonna die eventually, but he didn’t know it was gonna be so soon and that he’d cry from it. Her sacrifice was what got to him. He understands. *wink* *wink*

Ali: didn’t cry bc of how shocked he was. Didn’t think Sang-woo was capable of doing that. Every time he thinks about him, he just thinks of him going where he agreed to meet up with sang-woo and looking around for him😖😖 he’s so innocent.

Sang-byeok: this one made him bawl. Probably because of the build-up. He knew it was gonna happen soon. The fact that it was sang-woo didn’t make it any better. When she was trying to get Gi-hun to promise to care for her brother, he could barely see the tv anymore due to his blurry vision.

—

anyways, here’s some bts pics to lighten the mood <33

rest in pieces🙏🏽🙏🏽

!! how eren watched squid game, and his favorite movies/genre !!

!! eren, mikasa, and armin in squid game !!

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

What’s your opinion for Leo’s reaction to finding out the mc was immortal as well- not necessarily a vampire, maybe they’re some other type of supernatural. I’m really curious because Leo seems like he’s mainly in love with the mc bec they are human.

Hi lovely!!! Always wonderful to see you, hope you’re well! 💛💛💛💛💛

Tbh I think my opinion remains the same about something like this? I'm going to link to an ask I wrote up a while ago, only because it's v pertinent to the subject matter and good background for what I’m going to expand on here.

That being said, I'm happy to kind of tl;dr/expand on what I talked about there. Basically I had the feeling that Leonardo choosing MC as a lover was more circumstantial--regarding the state of his life in the moment, regarding his general feelings about vampires and vampire society, and regarding his unresolved trauma as a young kid.

I guess my answer to that question--and forgive me if it seems like a cop out--is that it really depends, I feel? I think his attraction has a lot more to do with the kind of person somebody is, their sensibility, more than it has to do with mortal vs immortal. If it was an immortal MC that showed ridiculous fortitude and self-control, measured patience and maturity, I really don’t see him not noticing that? I think he would be wary at first (assuming it’s all a front) but with time would likely feel a great deal of love if they were interested in a life together. If they were able to see and understand what he needs and answered those needs, I guess I just really doubt his ability to say no. It’s all he’s really looking for, and the fact that he hasn’t found it after so long really speaks to his frightened evasiveness and the rare nature of that kind of unshakeable strength.

I also think a lot of his hinging away from purebloods (true immortals, in other words) is that he 100% does not want his familia having any involvement in his meaningful relationships. Which might be why he shows more acceptance towards turned vampires, or potentially different supernatural beings.

But I also don’t like giving a vague answer without some kind of explanation as to how I got, to that conclusion, so a boatload of analysis follows below the content warning.

Spoilers for Leonardo’s route and a few mentions of JPN ver content:

I think he has less of an obsession with the idea of mortality, and more like a constant association of goodness and freedom and maturity with humanity. And while it's understandable, there are signs that--when he has the proper time and space to heal--his views seem to soften from those extremes. I mean his decision to live with Comte is pretty much his first step in that direction; it was him acknowledging for the first time that vampires aren't inherently loathsome or incapable of normal living. (On a revealing note, I think it says a lot that he agrees with MC that she is living in a “wolves’ den” but also feels the need to clarify the men are basically the domesticated equivalent. They don’t pose the same threat other vampires typically do to humans because of their lifestyle and sire.) Additionally, his tsun-like behavior towards Comte also seems to solidify this concept for me: Leonardo’s trying to come to terms with something he's sworn to reject since he was young, but also can't entirely deny that Comte is as chill and mature as purebloods come lmao

[There was also an event in the JPN ver–which seems to be approaching the ENG version rapidly, though only the first part is here right now–in which Leonardo fully offers to turn her. MC is essentially on her death bed, and Leonardo doesn’t want to lose her after so little time together; it’s MC that rejects the future as a vampire out of sheer principle. Even more noteworthy is that, when a reincarnation of MC is reunited with Leonardo in modern times, he is revealed to be exceptionally shaken by that loss. There are suggestions he can’t take losing her again, which could mean succumbing to the desire to bite her.]

Two things I feel are necessary to hit home:

The first being that, at least within the storyline so far, the most mature and human-like vampires we’ve seen are Leonardo and Comte. They seek to emulate the maturity they see reflected in the human beings they’ve known all their lives. Given how vampire society and their hierarchies work, I get the feeling humans are nothing more than amusing tools to them--a way to survive and creatures to exercise control over. There’s an objectification and delusion that comes with what I’ve seen, and I think it’s important in this discussion? If the vast majority of vampires behave this way (because I’m ngl, Leonardo and Comte don’t seem very keen on remaining in touch with other vampires all that much) then it only makes sense they prefer the company of humans who can at least share this sensibility of “been there, done that--stop hurting people bc you’re bored/repressed, grow up.”

One event story where this was exceedingly evident was actually Leonardo’s proposal story. If y’all remember, an old pal/acquaintance of Leonardo’s finds out he’s gunning for a human woman and basically goes “lmao not on my watch.” His name was Adam iirc, and he felt he had every liberty to try and pressure Leonardo into turning MC. Failing that, he insisted they should break up and not be together anymore. Now, on the one hand, it’s fair to say that he was looking out for Leonardo in a way–he didn’t want him to end up miserable and alone when she was gone. But at the same time I feel that Adam’s behavior is deeply revealing of vampire society as well lmao. He doesn’t really try to understand the situation, just immediately assumes it’s the only appropriate outcome. It does insinuate a lowkey cultural disdain for humanity: they are imperfect, they do not last or cannot have real value without preservation. If Adam was really Leonardo’s friend, wouldn’t he realize that Leonardo considers vampirism nothing more than a burden that he would wish on no one, much less his future wife? Additionally, wouldn’t he also keep in mind that Leonardo considers human beings beautiful just as they are? Since he fails these basic requirements to understand Leonardo, my impression is that he is influenced by the larger vampire culture to some extent. Furthermore, it underscores just how thoroughly Leonardo has been trained to keep his cards close to his chest for fear of ridicule/violent reprisal: no vampires know his true feelings on the matter because he would be vehemently rejected outright.

[One can also offer that maybe Adam wasn’t being malicious, maybe vampires find human women they fall in love with all the time and turn them (or any other permutation of companionship that occurs), so he doesn’t understand why Leonardo wouldn’t. But even then, to try to force them to break up if she doesn’t turn? A bit overkill imo but also revealing--Leonardo’s will is being ignored for the sake of upholding a kind of ill-founded superiority complex lmao]

While Leonardo does have a somewhat overbearing need to control the pacing of his relationship and who sacrifices what, I don’t think it’s wrong to be cautious--to want to think things through. I think it’s fair to be afraid that the person you’re with can’t handle what you’ve seen/known. But that also leads me to a core issue I have with MC: she doesn’t inspire much confidence that she can handle the life he’s lived, and that’s a problem of both incapacity and incompatibility. I have to wonder how he reacts when he’s with somebody at the same maturity level, or at the very least somebody with whom he can see her strength with time. When MC’s life was dying out he was desperate enough to accept biting her because he didn’t want to lose her–human or not. It’s MC that rejects this solution, which leads me to further believe that he just doesn’t care about the divide when it comes down to it; it has more to do with his difficulty with being vulnerable and fully trusting someone to care about him. (Assuming they also have the fortitude to stay hopeful and relatively strong over the course of a very long life.)

In line with that, the second thing I think it’s important to acknowledge is how deeply hurt Leonardo is as a result of his family treating him like a fool/black sheep. He outright says and heavily insinuates that his family would write her off as worthless, that they’d never accept her--that's his first thought:

Leonardo: “My familia would call you frail. I think you’re strong and beautiful. You do more with your time than we try to do with ours.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MC: “And those letters were from your familia?”

Leonardo: “Yeah. I don’t talk to them or see them anymore. We don’t agree...on a lot of things.”

[Brief intermission here. But lmao. Who does that sound like? If any of you guessed Isaac, that’s exactly what I’m alluding to. Isaac says in his own route smth along the lines of “Why bother trying to get through to people when no amount of talking does any good or gets you any closer to being understood?” Which also explains the way they get along to uncanny degrees: they find comfort in making things/researching because it means being able to avoid the distress that comes with being blatantly misunderstood by others. Their pain simply comes in different dimensions; for Leo it’s about loss and hiding who he is out of fear of rejection, for Isaac it’s about betrayal and people turning on him--ultimately abandonment for both. But I digress, back to the main argument.]

Leonardo: “Once they discovered my location, they began hounding me with letters again. They don’t want me to be with just anyone...They want more purebloods. I’m no more than one half of an equation for them.”

There is a clear implication that his desire to choose somebody that truly makes him happy means jack shit to them. They keep talking over him and trying to wear him down to force him into what they want. It’s no wonder--imo--that he has such a hard time just saying what he wants in his life, to feel like he has the freedom to wish and pursue anything freely. It’s no wonder he just expects MC to spit on everything that’s important to him. It appears as though only other human beings in general and Comte have ever come close to understanding him.

At some point MC realizes that his insistence on being compagni provvisori was originally just another act of sacrifice, and that he was fine with giving up his time and a little privacy if it meant she would be safe. The thing she doesn’t seem to realize in the course of this--and he struggles to say it until later on--is that it stopped being blind generosity. He really did start to fall in love with her, and that’s the whole reason things became even more messy; because he didn’t anticipate not being able to let go on top of the vulnerability. And it’s a big part of why he’s hesitating to speak. He feels he has no right to those feelings, and that he’s imposing on her--not that he’ll be welcome.

And when she did finally admit those feelings were welcome, it was compounded by the parroted views of his family and larger vampire society as a whole. Saying that she herself wasn’t enough, that she had to become a vampire to make him happy. Imo that sounds very potentially retraumatizing given his experiences (people trying to force him into marriages with other vampires who didn’t remotely understand or care about him because it was “the right way of things”). It’s no wonder he freaks out and does something incredibly stupid and insensitive–which is pretty insanely ooc for him.

Leonardo: “...It shocked them. Quieted them down a bit. Hard to get peace when your familia is immortal. Grazie, cara mia.”

Leonardo: “You’re strong, and you’re kind. So probably you won’t cry while I’m here to see it. But when I’m not looking, you’ll cry. If I had done that to you (bitten her, in other words), you’d still be crying when I wasn’t watching... Maybe it’s selfish of me, after what I did, but I just wanted to make you happy. You always look pretty, cara mia, but your smile takes my breath away...It’s not your destiny to love someone who will only make you cry.”

This man literally cannot handle anyone deeply sad or in despair. He’s always going to try to cheer people up and care about them, but general tragedy/emotional discord affects him very powerfully--and it’s likely a reflection of what I’ve mentioned before. He can’t bear to see people feeling helpless or miserable because he’s just been there too many times to be able to cope. He wants to help and heal (even if he’s suffering from prolonged compassion fatigue), but he knows that his powers are limited--even if he is a pureblood.

And the thing is? While it’s misguided to believe she would cry alone when it comes to the context of healthy romantic love (bc the idea would be that you lean on each other when something upsetting happens) he has zero reference point. He was not born as a result of authentic love (his parents never married, he was the result of a procreative arrangement), his family talks over every wish and belief he has and they still claim it’s done out of love/honest concern for him. One can only imagine the serpentine and obnoxious lengths to which his family has deceived or tried to force him into reconnecting with them. Every person that ever did know him/care about him in a real way is gone. Love, for him, has only been a series of losses that left his heart hollowed out; I don’t really blame him for expecting further disappointment and isolation and exhaustion. 

He’s also not wrong in the sense that he partially saw MC do what he outlined, and it’s a big part about what he loves about her. When she was feeling alone and lost–powerless–all she did was shrug and move forward. That doesn’t make it hurt any less, but focusing on what you can do instead of what you can’t do is healthier. And they both have the tendency to hide when they’re in pain or feeling lost, all because they don’t want to trouble anyone. Remember that when he says this, it’s a reflection of himself too: because even if he was heartbroken beyond measure, all he would do is hide it every second; he would never expect anyone to see right through him or care.

I mean I tend think of that one post I saw that talked about how people often see themselves as a social burden when most of their life has just been a series of neglect and loss. They don’t really have a concept of “you’re not heavy because I want to stay with you. It’s my choice to care about you.” How do you feel worthwhile an existence when four hundred years later your family still won’t treat you with basic dignity. The men in the mansion also all look to him for guidance and soothing because of the kind of person he is–he’s either silent in the periphery or helping. He never betrays so much as an inkling of insecurity or distress. 

I mean the whole reason Leonardo comes to the mansion is because he has absolutely no issue helping Comte in a pivotal time of need without seeking much of anything in return. Remember that Comte explains how Leonardo came to the mansion in response to Comte’s distress about the future. This makes sense considering Comte was rapidly trying to stop Vlad by beating him to the punch, and had only enough time to plan the basics. He had no certainty things would work out, much less that his boys would thrive. But Comte, unlike the boys, has become acutely aware of how much Leonardo is hiding his fatigue and despair in the course of being helped. As such, he wants to return the favor--and tries to be a good friend to him as much as he can (handles his insane familia, keeps things light and silly time between them, takes him seriously as a person, doesn’t pry beyond what’s fair.)

[I also think of that psychology concept of “the good enough mother.” It’s not always about being perfect every second of your life. It’s about paying attention and acting where it really counts. I feel like people who grow up under an enormous burden of neglect or parental/mentor abuse have a hard time coming to terms with the idea. This notion that just trying is enough for a lot of people, that showing them they’re not alone is enough to make  difficult memories bearable. Because it’s the oppressive silence and apathy that tends to kills people, imo--not people who mean well. But Leonardo doesn’t really understand any kind of reciprocal or non-self-emptying model because the concept is beyond him. He has no experience with it beyond Comte and a select few humans he’s befriended.]

Let’s continue on this point of MC crying where he can’t see her, shall we? The reason this scares him so much is not because he doesn’t care, or doesn’t want to make the effort. It’s precisely that he cares to the point of madness. It’s that he is legitimately convinced nothing he has to say, nothing that he can do, no part of him is enough to ease what she will have to trade away to stay with him. The core issue is not one of disregard or objectification, I find it to be more about his belief that he just isn’t enough. He doesn’t trust that anyone can love him to the point where just the sight of him or time with him can heal. And while there is a foolishness to this belief, it’s understandable when you consider where he’s coming from. You can call it selfishness, but it just feels involuntary--he has a lot of fear when it comes to love.

I mean Comte even says it himself? His words here always strike me: “I want you to understand, it’s because he cherishes you just as you are--more than he cares about his future or his well-being.”

Comte is openly identifying the way that Leonardo has a tendency to give more than is healthy. That Leonardo isn’t hesitating because his feelings are lacking, he’s doing it because he knows it’s going to hurt like a bitch trying to love her and never ask beyond what feels reasonable. (Spoilers: no request is reasonable. That’s the problem here. He’s convinced he deserves nothing.) Therefore turning her into a vampire to stay with him is--consequently, to Leonardo--out of the question. This is the literal hingepoint at which Comte and Leonardo divide; Comte simply tells MC he’ll take full responsibility for asking so much of her. He intends to make her happy with every single resource and skill he has at his disposal. Even if he doubts his ability or fears losing her to vampire rhetoric madness, he’d rather try than live with the regret and immediate loss. Leonardo is more resistant because of his dour outlook, that her fear of immortality is never going to be something that either of them can overcome. And/or he’s likely afraid she’s only going to regret being together after so long, and might succumb to the ridiculous sort of power/greed complexes vampires seem so attracted to by nature.

I think Leonardo is still coming to terms with the idea that he isn't alone in the world in a lot of ways, and I think he's also coming to terms with the idea that immortality does not equate to evil. Sure, human beings on average are probably more open to flexible modes of thinking and living compared to vampires--their maturity is in some ways guaranteed due to the instances they're forced to adapt to survive. However, just one look at the ruling class and oligarchies of all kinds (even just stubborn human beings) reveals how they are not immune to the same sort of megalomania, arrogance, and thoughtless violence purebloods/vampires are capable of.

So I guess I hesitate when it comes to the thought that he only loves her because she's human. If anything, I think he loves her for the fact that she's very rooted in reality--not quite so bound by the extremes that trouble him. It's one of the many reasons I believe Leonardo needs a lot of maturity and patience; the ability to differentiate between his panicked/overwhelmed/hurt reactions versus his calm is a skill in and of itself considering his capacity for concealment. To say nothing of getting him to slow down when this happens, too.

I suppose I think about it in a way that’s similar to how Napoleon’s main story narrative is framed. While Leonardo’s route doesn’t focus on the grandeur of being a former emperor, there is a clear insinuation here that he also craves normalcy? Just a little life, with a person he loves dearly, where he can rest and be himself for once. I think because he gives off such an appearance of steadiness, people fail to see that he is barely holding on--not to mention the kind of experiences he’s been deprived of (the exact security and understanding he so expertly emulates).

Closer to your question, it’s worth mentioning that Leonardo’s life goal for a while was the creation of an immortal human being--in that he fully recognized human beings could not offer what he needed as they were.

He loves humans because of their adaptability, their frequent desire to keep seeking out hope and making the best of the broken pieces they have. But then again, it has more to do with the nature of how frequently that sensibility occurs in humans vs vampires (and immortality in general): mortality does demand some level of necessity to change and grow. Which is one of the largest trauma points for him; the vampires around him just refused to grow up, always demanding at him like children and obsessed with their power complexes.

Thing is I also don't know enough about vampire society to know how correct this perceived ratio is. However, given Comte's similar avoidance of other vampires and general inability to live with them (he and Vlad were literal childhood best friends and Comte can't stand him anymore lmao) I think Leonardo may have more validity here than people give him credit for. Which begs the question--why did he quit trying to make a human immortal? What was it that stopped him? Was it the horror of what needed to be done to achieve it? Or would a potential companion start to fall more in love with the idea of immortality than they do with life itself/him? I think it’s a worthwhile question to ask, given the disdain he seems to aim at Shakespeare in particular--once human, but now emulates all of the violence and insatiability marked by vampirism.

This is where the transition from human to vampire/immortal contains another hingepoint: is Leonardo so incapable of finding a middle ground because he feels like any choice he makes will be a wrong one? Marry a human, deprive them of a normal love where they can grow old together. Marry a human and turn them, what if they are reborn with immortal wounds/psychological harm? What if time proves they get bored of him or hateful, what if they begin to act like the predatory purebloods he hates so much? Marry a pureblood/immortal, and be hounded by his family for heirs--risk being with somebody who will never love him or their children, and only inspire more misery in the world.

Does it make sense how this can really start to become an anxious downspiral for someone like him? How the personal insecurity and life history comes together to just compound stress endlessly?

That's the thing that's important here, I think. Leonardo just needs somebody who is open-minded, firm, and not easily deceived. If one takes a look at Leonardo's main story route, the whole reason everything goes to shit so disastrously is because MC stops listening at a critical point. Granted Leonardo could have been more forthcoming for sure, but when she started assuming Shakespeare was right instead of seeing how Leonardo was feeling/reacting, she responded in ways Leonardo wasn't prepared for. He never wanted to shake her faith or insinuate whatever she is is not good enough for him, and tbh I think Leonardo downspiraled because it was just the same thing all over again. What he is--a vampire and immortal--keeps ruining everything he wants with his life. 

[dodo-begone]

ALRIGHTY! LOYAL HERE COMING IN WITH THE CIRCUS HAHAHA

Btw, I’m like 90% sure that I fell asleep while writing so it just stops. Like, there’s no ending/summary/whatever word I’m looking for but can’t think of at the moment and my bird is currently chewing on my phone case oh my god can she please stop—

__________________

I believe the concept of yanderes ft. a isekai-d reader has been mentioned by Shepard and her anons, tho it’s been mainly for Origins SMP. So, I come to you with ideas for the Dream SMP because that’s all I’m familiar with HAHAH—

Also, I apologize in advance because this thing is borderline an essay with how long it is. I’m so sorry—

For example *cue dramatic lighting and a cheesy flashback monologue thingie* oh my god I think I’m losing it, I’m so tired

Y/n and their younger sibling, Frisk, had just finished up another press conference regarding Monsters being back on the surface. All seems to be going well until the ground beneath their feet vanishes and they fall unconscious a few moments later. When they awaken, they notice they’re surrounded by humans—wait they aren’t all humans, what the fuck, since when are there hybrids? They knew everyone from the underground—by name, no less—and had never heard of any currently living hybrids. Only of ones from before the war. Besides, Monsters have been on the surface for a month at most, so there is no way for... oh boy, their head is spinning.

After some very...tense...introductions (“Hi, I never saw you guys Underground, nor have I heard of you, no offense. So, uh, which monsters are you guys related to?” “OI, I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT TUBBO IS NOT A MONSTER!”) they come to the realization that y/n is most definitely not from this world, or even this universe. Y/n’s adamant refusal to fight the “real monsters” that roam this land (“I did not spend countless timelines weeks putting my life on the line to befriend every monster, break the barrier that trapped them Underground, and defend them against my own god forsaken race just to turn my back on them.”) was a pretty big sign, after all. That, along with species of monsters that the SMP members have never heard of and how y/n talked about Souls as if they were a tangible thing.

It’s a rocky start before any sort of friendship is formed: y/n, wanting to be cautious, (and also not having Sans there to CHECK for them) decides to ask everyone what their LV is. It’s risky, and they had no way to prove if anyone is (or isn’t) telling the truth, but it was worth a shot. “Our levels?” A small goat hybrid asked, his head slightly tilting to the side. Everyone assumes that y/n is talking about enchantment levels. “I’m at 26! Ranboo, you’re at 30, right?” “I’m at 37 now, actually.” “Well, I’M at 58. Clearly I’m the superior one here. A real big man, a very manly man, aren’t I?” And a few others pipe in. Color drains from y/n’s face and they take a few steps back, hands shaking as their eyes dart between each person in the room and the exit. ‘How many lives have they each taken to make their LOVE so high? Why do they seem so proud of it?’ Yeah... that was an interesting experience.

- even though they have been reassured multiple times that the monsters of this world are nothing like the ones from their home, y/n still refuses to kill a single one, as I had mentioned earlier. They also refuse to kill animals. It takes a couple tries at explaining LV or LOVE—Level Of ViolencE—along with EXP—EXecution Points—but eventually everyone is on the same page

- Y/n is hesitant to bring out their SOUL when asked. First off, though they’re now friends with those from the Underground, they can’t help but be reminded of every spear, knife, bone, petal, gaster blaster, and fireball that has been aimed at them with the intent to kill whenever their SOUL was drawn into an encounter back then. Second of all, showing your SOUL is something you do with those you trust with your life—after all, you’re literally putting your lifeline out on display when you do so. There are so many different ways that the SMP members can see it

- Perhaps a monster appears

- Eggpire or Dream attack

- Someone forces y/n into an encounter because everyone is too curious to just let this opportunity slip by

- When y/n discovers that the people of this land have more than one life, they’re confused. There is no way that all of these people have SOULS of Determination, and there’d definitely be some issues if people kept rewinding time to their last save point. Besides, only one Determination SOUL—the strongest one—should be able to respawn. Then again, they only know what Frisk had explained to them. They were never able to see the save stars that Frisk would interact with in the different sections of the Underground. So they only have so much to go off of.

- Battle for them is completely different. Despite being in a different world, the mechanics from their world still apply. They can FIGHT, ACT, use an ITEM or show MERCY.

- They use Frisk’s tactic and flirt their way out of a fight or two. They never understood why Frisk did it until now... ‘I mean, I...wow. That was actually effective.’ They’re impressed.

- Oh no, maybe that wasn’t the best idea...they might have some yanderes after them bc of it...

- They probably have accidentally called Philza ‘Asgore’ and Tubbo ‘Asriel’ because both hybrids remind her of the two males from her world. Similar personalities AND Tubbo is a goat hybrid. The poor child is going to be so confused

- If Tubbo’s a yandere oh boy it’s going to be so easy for him. Y/n will probably be constantly at his side and telling him stories about the first fallen child and how they were adopted by the royal family, who are goat monsters! And just explaining the history of the underground and how important the goat family is. Talks about Asriel a lot as well. Probably makes him butterscotch cinnamon pie and tries to recreate golden flower tea to share with him as well. Or, they do that and he’s not yandere and it’s just wholesome.

- If we follow the headcanons that some fans have made, perhaps Frisk (and/or y/n) gave up half of their SOUL to give to either (or both) Chara or Asriel so they’d have another chance at life

- Not only does y/n refuse to kill, which leaves them vulnerable, they also only have half a SOUL, which means they’re incredibly weak. Someone needs to protect them, someone needs to keep them safe, someone needs to—

- Y/n is incredibly agile thanks to all the battles they’ve faced Underground. With their SOUL always out in the open during an encounter and the fact that they refuse to harm anyone, it’s required. I’m imagining them moving like a dancer, using jumps and spins to help them avoid any weapons swung at them.

- This is gonna be annoying for any yandere that wishes to lock y/n up. Even if they won’t physically hurt someone, they WILL put up a fight and make it as hard as they possibly can to be dragged into isolation or imprisonment

- When it comes to who goes yandere, I believe what color of SOUL y/n has (their personality, in summary) would play a big role. Here’s a few of my ideas, feel free to move people around or add to it, I’m really tired and can’t think of many characters LOL

- Red (determination): Wilbur, Technoblade

- Orange (bravery): Technoblade, Dream, Tommy

- Yellow (justice): Sam, Technoblade

- Green (kindness): the kids of the server, Fundy, and Ghostbur

- Cyan (patience): Ranboo, Ghostbur, Karl

- Dark blue (integrity): Tubbo, Philza, Sam

- Purple (perseverance): Dream—this man would love to see how long it would take for your perseverance to run out. I wouldn’t be surprised if your perseverance is the only reason he’s interested.

__________________

From what I saw of the end of what I wrote, it is DEFINITELY cut short. At least I mentioned every SOUL type lolol.

Also, I found a whole other note that’s a continuation of this concept but for y/n being from another game what the hell was I doing—

Expect that to come in another ask once I eat dinner

Sorry i took so long to answer!! I kept getting distracted!

That stuff is so pog man!!!! Puffy might be called “Toriel” once in a while because mom energy and she sheep,,, close to goat!

Gosh all the flirting will bring in so many yanderes or make ppl like “yo wtf??” And there’s a very small amount that are inbetween.

OKAY BUT WITH THE MONSTER STUFF ON THE DSMP- they’d keep the monsters in their house. They’d give them food and everything. Some def become very friendly and will defend. Haha giant spider go prrrrrr

I’d write more but there is so much amazing stuff I don’t think I could add to some of them anyways!!! Plus my mind is just racing other places rn haha

[6-of-november]

Impressions from a conversation with E**

I'm still on my path of learning queer vocabulary (by reading a queer dictionary from A-Z, still on 'F') & even though I've heard the huge numbers of how many genders & sexualities there are, I remain impressed how many grammatically & etymologically fleshed out options exist & I love most of them & would love to meet people with some of these identities especially the dynamic ones bc they strike me as very interesting. What I really love is that words exist for so many feelings, I feel like even within the same language we're so constrained by vocabulary & our abilities to explain that in lieu of connecting our brains with a USB cable that just walking through experience, rationale, & meanings can be invaluable. So while I can't explain the celestial genders at all I can comment on a harmless difference of opinion (ie. There's zero beef, I'm more interested than anything by this difference). A lot of the genders I'm reading about carry a lot of adjectives & nouns I'd associate with aesthetics not gender. Perhaps this clarifies why I listed 'Goth' as an androgenous confusing variable. If I consider Maslow's Pyramid where the base is human needs & the peak is self actualization, then if I subdivided self actualization into its own pyramid I think of basic compulsions, then core beliefs, then identity, & aesthetics remain the highest level of attainment (but also least necessary even if inordinately pleasing). In this schema, if my lower needs are met, my first higher attainment is eating carrots which I love & not lettuce which I hate, its in my root programming. Next my core beliefs like, 'never lie,' 'care for others,' 'punch every Nazi,' etc. come before my identity- identify being my gender, age-group, social circles I identify with, things that define me. Aesthetics trump the rest, which I'll only call 'goth' since I've rambled for so long. Being goth may not be a necessary part of my existence, but wearing black & being aesthetically pleasing bring me significantly outsized joy, chasing my ever distant & changing gothic ideal. So when I read these genders, they make sense, but I see their genders & aesthetics being intertwined either literally or in their evaluation where I find my aesthetics superlative but also superior to identity (so my slightly androgenous goth aesthetic is like a semi-transparent layer over my male identity when it comes to my gender & perceived gender). Perhaps I typed too much about this idle curiosity of mine, I'm trying to understand it because it's fascinating (it also contributes to my theory of Fermi-Accounting but that's another rant).

[jiangwanyinscatmom]

About ⭐️ ber there’s also a lot of power tripping is like some people are just waiting for the chance to be vitrolic, i saw someone retweet another person’s thread exposing what ⭐️ did with the only intention of giving it more exposure and mentioning that they should listen to what asian and pacific islanders had to say and a shit tone of people started insulting them for daring speak (she didn’t speak she literally promoted an asian pacific girls’s thread) and when someone asked them what was the problem, if they were defending ⭐️ they went no we hate them too she just doesn’t have the right to speak “bc she erased south/west asians” like… this person was on their side and they still attacked her with some attacks having hundreds of likes, so yeah regardless of my own opinion on ⭐️ people are policing power tripping and using any chance to harass people, like i know the pandemic has us all stressed but jfc the aggressiveness of the mxtx english fandom is reaching crazy levels

Hello there,anon (forgive me as I wanted to answer earlier but had a bad migraine), unfortunately it is never about promoting real looks into how society itself has many biases to overcome, when they are ingrained into it for many many centuries as well as how that has subconsciously been an affect on all of us. And collectively, yes, that includes well-meaning everyday people who as a whole are very good. It is a lot of overt heavy thinking that just does not get daily thought of, because humans as what they are will always have daily little flaws even as good people. It is not a sin to make mistakes in ignorance as many purposely thrive on that to continue the governments we have today. Historic biases and atrocities have always been covered up and it is reflected in every day life whether we know it or not.

It is never about raising awareness and education in a mob mentality, it is about the evisceration and scape-goating as well as thinking hurling threats, violence and moral superiority, and flaunting that, helps in anyway when in truth, it ends up shutting doors.

I very much sympathize with raising social awareness, it is tiring, it is sad, and it is hurtful. But unfortunately true good work is always like that and a lot of dissent is met when it is on the grounds of some sort of educational neutrality. I won't deny I have very petty thoughts of the treatment american media still portrays latino culture as a massive amalgam of some sad forever poor and angry mass. It is why I do not engage with many popular fandoms such as Teen Wolf because I am bombarded with racist portrayals from fans claiming to love it. And I had to learn that the louder fans prefer to dog pile in order to give themselves a cheap thrill of having "protected the poor minorities" all while not even noticing their own harmful racist rhetoric.

The only thing that can be done, is not promote the ones who are only online glory seeking, and to help raise awareness by sharing material that is actually raising education for societal racial bias throughout the world, which there is a lot of, and can not be compared to the very heavily americanized ones we see on popular western sites.

[coldvampire]

i am mildly delirious so stay with me but--

obviously i love how you can play your clan of choise whichever way you want bc i love to see how people get subversive w tropes (see: me thinking way too hard about the ventrue lmao) BUT! there is such a special place in my heart for unapologetically punk brujah. it absolutely makes sense to me that a clan known for rebelling for have a sizeable percentage of people from the punk subculture, where the whole driving force behind it is, you know, very much rooted in anti-establishment sentiments & fighting for fundamental changes you want to see in the world (absolutely not speaking of b*neheads or other unsavoury posers here, fuck that lmao). 

the true brujah might approach things from a ‘philosophical’ standpoint, but ykw as someone who did quite a bit of studying on (specifically the ancient greek genre) that, most philosophers are either like. the chaotic sort of ballsy individual that, sure, might get a conversation going,(”Behold!!! A MAN”) but definitely aren’t what i’d call level-headed individuals or even particularly justice driven. like i feel like that part of the clan is more likely to be the ‘well actually’ type of person. (not saying that’s bad either at all, because i think those characters can be incredibly fun & interesting, i just think the sense of superiority that gets associated with the ‘true’ brujah might be a bit misplaced on their part. it’s the difference between thinking and doing i guess? both are valuable in their own way, but not suited to every environment or problem.) 

based on the types of people brujah tend to embrace + the fact that coming into that clan means that whatever sort of righteous passion or anger that already existed gets amplified, im really not surprised that theres a more recent immediate association with them being on the side of protestors and pushing for positive change. whether that just stays within vampiric society or leaks out and affects humans i think varies wildly based on location and alignment, and ofc there will always be outliers. but i think that characterizing them as the ‘sjw snowflake’ types is largely just incorrect, or maybe an interpretation of fanon, because i would never in a million years look at the punk scene and think to apply those labels to it. maybe im just biased (im goth myself, but theres enough crossover interactions i think, that i can say i have a decent idea of the sort of people who get drawn to the scene) but thats always been the lens i viewed them from.

i think a corporate brujah would be an interesting approach, as well as people who might not necessarily fit that generalization of ‘brujah heavily inspired and characterized by punk subculture,’ but like i don’t think i’ll ever get tired of seeing people come up with characters who do mesh with the kind of thing you expect to see from that clan. because it’s not boring! in fact i usually think that there’s a lot of heart behind it from the creators, and it’s not a limiting character template in the slightest. you can do so damn much with it as a baseline, you know?? 

im just gfhgjh very tired and ive been thinking about this for a bit and im sure it’s not a particularly original thought either lmao. punk brujah have my whole heart and that’s something i will stand by

[makiema]

I love Dead Apple so much and not just bc it’s fan service galore but also bc it’s riddled with a shit ton of symbolism which gives like a LOT of insight into characters! and also character dynamics!! The best example is ofc Fyodor’s monologue that has so many implications in what 4-5 lines but, my personal favorite is the Soukoku moment. part of it has to do with the fact that they’re da OTP but that aside, the meaning behind it and the representation of it all is so subtle and beautiful, I fall in love every time. so anyway thought i’d share my thoughts on the scene uh putting it below the cut bc it got long lol

First off the idea of Dazai enclosed in a circle, above the ground, beyond what can be called the realm of humans, can be construed as an allusion to his detachment from everyone. And, in a way, the manifestation of his ability “no longer human”. The main theme/conflict in DA is characters vs their abilities (and by extension, abilities represent issues each character faces and eventually overcomes) but a physical representation of “no longer human” is not possible like it’s not an animal/person/anything; it’s more like a concept. so, it’s represented on a symbolical level with Dazai trapped in a circle up above, cut off from the human world under. And the fact that Chuuya is the one who breaks into the circle is a reference to how he shares his pain and faces the same issue— isolation. (Only difference is that Dazai’s detachment is self-imposed while Chuuya’s isolation comes from the alienation he’s subjected to by others) This motif is explored in Fifteen too when Dazai decides to live after learning about Chuuya’s identity. But anyway coming back to DA, the main conflict (ability vs human) is resolved by winning against the ability and also by accepting it to a certain degree (like when Kyouka says that she needs Demon Snow) Now Dazai does it too— he wins against “no longer human” and also accepts it; but all that happens with Chuuya in the frame. The moment he touches Chuuya, he uses his ability to save him which shows his acceptance of an ability that others detest and even, he might personally hate at times, but that can be used to save someone. Unfortunately this ability also represents his nullification from being human—the deeper psychological issue as far as Dazai is concerned. However, someone does break in and make it possible for him to fall back on the ground, in extension, makes him human again/reminds him of his humanity/brings him back to the human world. And that ofc has to be Chuuya, someone who does share this issue of alienation thanks to him being half Arahabaki and half human. so, basically the subtext here is that just like Chuuya needs Dazai to save him from himself (something that is literally represented) Dazai needs Chuuya too (something that is represented thru a series of metaphors, symbols and motifs) Chuuya is the figure that makes Dazai think living is worth it simply bc he has it far worse than Dazai, he has a literal God trapped in him and his first 8 years is a void, so if someone that alien/“non human” can still push on then why can’t he (this is the message in Fifteen) and the message in DA is that Chuuya experiences the same isolation that Dazai does. The freeze frame of both of them, enclosed in a dividing bubble, cut off from everything, is strongly suggestive of this. so, Chuuya can and should be the one who helps Dazai win against his ability or rather, fight against his issue; he is the person who can help Dazai reconsider human ties and consequently, make him feel like he’s as much a part of this world as anyone else. because when isolation is shared, it doesn’t really feel like isolation anymore. the sharing becomes significant and like a doorway— it is the first of many potential bonds that are in fact possible for Dazai, giving him a chance at belonging. just like he belongs beside Chuuya, just like his ability can be used in tandem with Chuuya’s, he can, in fact, belong with others too and co-exist with them along with his ability. The things separating him from others are his own fear of loss, his uncanny intelligence and his weird ass ability but, with Chuuya in his life, the gulf closes bc Chuuya is far too strong to die on him and actually needs Dazai’s ability to survive; Chuuya is quite possibly the only person grateful for Dazai’s ability because it’s literally a life saver in his case and also, Dazai’s intelligence doesn’t put him on a solitary pedestal (like Fyodor) bc Chuuya has enough physical strength to counter it and hence, stand his ground against it. He has been doing that since they met and thanks to their rivalry, Dazai didn’t end up developing a God complex like Fyodor. (he still has an annoying superiority complex but it could have gotten worse if Chuuya wasn’t there to sort of humble him) Chuuya can stand beside Dazai as his equal and he’s imbued with every human quality imaginable; he is entirely reliant on the connections he has forged and values and embodies qualities like trust and loyalty to a profound extent, so he becomes the key for Dazai, the key to save Dazai from himself, from the darkest part of himself. The darkest part of Dazai is actually his double, Fyodor and by the end of DA, Dazai is with people while Fyodor is not which signifies that Chuuya has indeed saved him. When Dazai says, “I hope that man fulfilled his loneliness” with a soft smile, it’s not just an observation, it’s more than that— it’s a v subtle personal realization. so what DA implies is that Chuuya can and does reach him at a place where no one else can. and that is something that serves as a constant reminder to Dazai that he’s not really non-human/cancelled from human society like he thinks he is. Just by existing, Chuuya helps Dazai overcome all three of his issues: 

suicidal tendencies— he thinks living is worth a try as opposed to his prev conclusion that there is nothing worth prolonging a life of suffering.

isolation— there’s a strong sense of belonging and connection with chuuya in DA that, in turn, foreshadows the development of future connections with others something that Dazai does crave but, doesn’t/can’t pursue bc of his own fear of loss (oda and ango) and also bc people idolize him too much and altho it doesn’t seem too bad on the surface, it does end up alienating him bc the dependency is working one way (akutagawa and atsushi) 

superiority complex— he counters Fyodor by saying that even if humans are ‘sinfully stupid’ (and who is a better example of this than chuuya lol. the fact that the panel of fyodor saying this comes right after a chuuya panel is no conincidence it’s fairly telling) there’s nothing wrong with it! dazai’s superiority complex could have gotten worse and developed into a god complex just like fyodor’s had chuuya not strived to maintain an equal footing with him or if he hadn’t seen chuuya, someone who is actually half-god, going out his way for people and in a way, being more “human” than he ever can bc chuuya considers himself at the same level as others, if not lower (i mean, his self esteem is so low that he thinks he has to swear loyalty to a p*do) unlike dazai. so yeah that self-sacrificing nature and sense of loyalty, which may seem “sinfully stupid” is something appreciable to Dazai simply bc empathy, loyalty, trust,etc are things that human connections are based on. things that dazai lack, but chuuya embodies. things that dazai wishes he had so he could belong. so anyway, my point is chuuya just being himself does a number on dazai’s superiority complex whcih in turn helps him challenge fyodor! 

 All in all from the way Dazai and Chuuya’s arcs and their interactions are planned out, it’s safe to say they are indeed soulmates and I’m not trying to push this romantically, bc altho the canon is strongly suggestive, it’s not of romance per se it’s more like suggesting how they need each other to complete and save each other. Like, Dazai needs to incorporate Chuuya’s qualities and vice versa to become better versions of themselves and also needs each other on a very literal level just to survive/live on. Asagiri mightn’t draw them holding hands or smth or use conventional soulmate tropes/proofs that’s fanfic material but I’m just saying that it is v much canon that they really do complete each other and absolutely can’t survive w/o each other and that to me is really really beautiful <3

[meibemeibelline]

highlights from that 32k word doc i wrote when i marathoned gazette’s songs (2002-2007)

PART 2 | PART 3

Some quick notes:

This is a combo of thoughts on music, lyrics and sometimes just funny things I found while I was hurriedly typing at 11pm listening to these songs. Not every song will be featured in these, sorry

At times I directly quote translations and when I do I’ll specify who I’m quoting, but just so you know first they are all either Defective Tragedy, Heresiarchy or Trauma Radio

Also, I’m planning on writing some longer essay-type things with these notes so there might be some things I skip over (such as a recurring theme in their songs) bc I want to use them elsewhere

CONTENT WARNING FOR LYRIC DISCUSSIONS: suicide (Ganges ni Akai Bara). i will bold the title so you can skip it if you want. it’s one paragraph long

HHHH this is already 2k words but anyway hope u enjoy my ramblings

 “I’d have to take a break from feminism to appreciate [Akai One Piece]”

“His delivery is still highly emotional and [Okuribi] overall is really emotional. Like the fact you can still hear and FEEL the sheer bittersweet feelings (mostly sadness) of someone you love passing away is like...really telling of 2002 gazette’s potential”

(Doro Darake no Seishun) “Bitch Aoi and Uruha are serving LOOKS like the red tartan blazer with the black shorts???? And Uruha with the red tank top and the pleather skirt with the garters THE OTHER GIRLS WISH THEY WERE HIM”

(Haru ni Chirikeri, Mi wa Kareru de Gozaimasu) “it’s about a flower that’s in love with a one-winged butterfly, and i imagine the point is that even though they sing songs for each other, they’re just so different that they don’t understand each other and they can’t be together. and they’re just...fated to end, and maybe try again next spring. and you can see that in human relationships too.”

“Akuyuukai i think is such a significant turning point musically like i just FELT a significant shift where they were really painting with their music and having it be more closely connected with the lyrics”

“[Linda Candydive Pinky Heaven] is a happy and fun song!! it’s doro darake no seishun’s cuter and cooler older sister. this also gave me a lot of serotonin and i’m glad this is a classic. it’s also this band’s first fan song (or closest to a fan song) and i think it’s quite meaningful because they were picking up as a band and were starting to really connect with people which is always so so great. and i think it’s cool that many songs before this were fun songs to jam out to but linda is specially DEDICATED to that. it’s so carefree and i think like...this is the exact thing many musicians love about performing and what fans love about concerts. it’s the escapism and just the SPACE to be yourself and have fun. it’s so freeing.”

(Black Spangle Gang) “I can’t believe GazettE were doing 2005 Miyavi before Miyavi did 2005 Miyavi”

(The Murder’s TV) “I think it’s cool how playful they make it sound -> like a creepy show that kids might see and the last chorus is pretty good. it’s a bop AND THE BASS AND GUITAR SOLOS SLAP. The lyrics are really interesting too and I LOVE the way Ruki embodies them with his voice”

“BITCHHH MAD MARBLE HELL VISION SLAPS. THIS IS WHAT I CALL NOISE MUSIC!!!!!!!”

“The composition on Kawareta Haru, Kawaneru Haru is actually SO good (and the costumes are fucking ICONIC). And Ruki is STILL getting better at singing. The chorus is melodic and the effects on the guitar just go so well like I think the others (probably since Akuyuukai actually) have been really getting to play with all sorts of effects on their instruments to make this new variety of sounds which is super rad. AOI SOLO SUPERIORITY BTW.”

“Indie gazette really love their key changes in the bittersweet songs in the last choruses.”

“Comparing the lyrics of [Sumire] to many of the last ‘goodbye’ songs, there’s a lot more imagery and scene-painting as opposed to like, just direct thoughts and feelings. And that’s really Ruki developing as a writer, I think, as his lyrics are becoming more subtle and open to different interpretations which is super cool! Like this is really him finding his voice and I know he’s going to be doing more of this over the years.”

“ANATA NO TAME NO KONO INOCHI SLAPS BUT THE LYRICS ARE FUCKED. LIKE, I KNEW THIS FROM THE BEGINNING BUT I REALLY WISH I WAS JARED, 19.”

“I LOVE MISEINEN SO FUCKING MUCHHHHH. I can only begin to imagine just HOW significant this song is for Ruki. This is him acknowledging his weaknesses and his flaws, looking around him and seeing the people he has, he writes about what he’s afraid of, he writes about how he’s going to change and move forward, what is MOST VALUABLE to him. This is A LOT. This is A LOT for anyone. It is a song about GROWTH – how he wants to grow yet is terrified of change, but even so is going to do it with the help of his support system. This is EVERYTHING. It’s raw and brave and so very beautiful. It has Wakaremichi and BEST FRIENDS energy. These three songs are best friends. And also like, for the last couple of releases Ruki’s been doing lots of wordplay and metaphors and using euphemisms, but this set of lyrics is just completely honest and STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART. Like, there ARE metaphors and symbols but he’s talking COMPLETELY about himself and his FEELINGS. I get emo whenever I listen to this song.”

(Carry?) “Apparently it’s about Frankenstein’s monster, so I guess this is another Concept Song. So this explains the flat vocals – the monster is undead but also…very sad and confused about what it is and its place in the world. ISN’T THAT ALL OF US ON SOME LEVEL…HAHA…”

“Zakurogata no Yuutsu is that 2010 fb meme where someone sees their partner right before going into a heart surgery only to wake up to find they’re gone and the doctor is like ‘omg who do you think gave you the heart😔’”

“WHAT THE FUCK WHY DID I SLEEP ON HANAKOTOBA. THIS IS AOI SONG SUPERIORITY. THE GUITAR SOLO IS ALSO GORGEOUS. Also love what he did with the melody getting higher in the end when the narrator questions the existence of the love they lost. AND THEY DIDN’T RESOLVE THE FUCKING CHORD PROGRESSION OHHH MY GODDDD BECAUSE “I’LL WITHER AWAY, NEVER KNOWING THE ANSWER” //THROWS. THESE GENIUSES. THIS IS THE BEST SONG ON THE ALBUM SO FAR AND THAT’S👏ON👏AOI👏SUPERIORITY👏Also I know that, literally, Hanakotoba is a flower on the side of the road but LISTEN. This is a soul that just wants love...This is the anthem for us lonely invisible bitches <3 This song has the MOST yearning. Thank u Aoi for my life. Like he is TRULY the composer with the most emotionality.”

(Tokyo Shinjuu) “I LOVEEEE THE BASS. This has a very old, classic Japanese style and it’s just…so good. You can really hear it in the melody. Also there’s just something SO feminine about it and I KNOW it’s that classic Japanese sound and like…god I love this gender bending with music. I adore the guitars too I think there’s such a good balance between them.”

(Shichigatsu no Youka) “I love how the lyrics are between sections too – the most emotional parts are in the big, emotional chorus, and the verses are more mellow when the narrator is sort of…more detached and Not Crying… The guitar melodies are really pretty and the solo is just GORGEOUS. It’s such a bittersweet song as well (god GazettE just do bittersweet EXTREMELY WELL) like bruh…already being sad over a breakup and OH DOUBLE WHAMMY THEY’VE MOVED ON like. Ruki sweetie I’m so sorry.”

[a rant about how I know Saraba is well-meaning and is about the peace and unity of a nation and is EXPLICITLY anti-war which I can definitely appreciate but my Chinese ass was just NOT having the whole painting the Japanese army as heroes deal]

(Reila) “Ruki’s vocals are SO GOOD here. ALSO YELLING AT THE BASS AND KICK DRUM BEFORE THE SECOND VERSE WITH THE PIANO. THE WAY THE KICK DRUM PANS THRU THE EARS. MOTHERFUCKER. AND THEN TO COME IN WITH THE GUITAR SOLO HOW DARE!!!!! YOU PLAY WITH MY EMOTIONS LIKE THIS!!!!!”

“COCKROACH SLAPS. Love that he reframes being compared to a cockroach as like, resilient (I’ll never break through -> I want to believe I’ll break through), and he’s embracing his crudeness and taking a huge dose of PHUCEMOL.” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

(Sugar Pain) “God Aoi’s intro though………..I HATE THE BREATHING SO MUCH. No I’m actually really angry right now why is it actually good. YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE GOOD.” (I then had to stop after the first chorus for obvious reasons)

“Idk why the first thing I thought of when Bite to All started was ‘yeehaw’…[Also] I hate how I know exactly who is screaming at the end and when.”

“BTS 🤝 GazettE Gunshots in songs”

[My personal interpretation of Nausea & Shudder is not that it’s about the pressure of being true to oneself in the face of success, but rather that success itself is not what Ruki expected it to be and he’s figuring out how to navigate that and move forward. It is also just a really good set of lyrics.]

“There’s just a hopelessness that’s so profound in [Bath Room]. Like if depression was a song IT WOULD SOUND A LOT LIKE THIS… Up until this point this is the Darkest song AND WE’RE ONLY GONNA GET DARKER FROM HERE *sweats in DIM*”

“I love these unsaid words Ruki leaves in the booklets. Adds layers and messages for the listener (usually of hope)”

(Silly God Disco) “After reading the lyrics I love this song soo much more. Like it’s actually really nice to think about dancing and living life because you have rock music and it makes you happy. Also the FUNK. The flavour. Not only that, but the way Ruki SWEARS he will live happily, without fear, and always moving past pain and towards freedom and glory. And he INVITES the listener with him. This is just SO nice.”

“I think it’s interesting that like…for an album that is sort of Known to be depressing as hell, there are quite a lot of songs about resilience and just…living and moving forward. Depending on what the rest of the albums are about, NIL might actually be, weirdly, the one with the most hope in it.”

(Worthless War) ““Do you shoot first so you won’t get hurt? / Do you call that sort of thing ‘justice’” damn Worthless War spilled. This sounds like a whole lot of anxiety surrounding war, and a very strong criticism against the government for caring more about power than people. Even though violence is despair, he also says that this age of political tension and FEAR is also despair. And he is correct. Ruki: ALSO THE EARTH IS DYING???” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

(Rich Excrement) ““Lyric killer is erectile dysfunction” + “Biters should check it out too” -> you’re a limp dick who rips off other people’s work I AM SCREAMINGGGGGG.”” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

(Crucify Sorrow) “The main metaphor here is someone who is an insect with a broken shell – an empty person. With depression, probably…And I cannot help but think about Utsusemi, in which he uses this EXACT metaphor to describe himself and his own depression, his loneliness and his desire to disappear. Was this a coincidence??🤔”

(GANGES NI AKAI BARA) “I really like this song – music and lyrics both. Like even though it’s sad that the girl was in a lot of pain, kills herself and is condemned by her church, the narrator bringing her to Ganges and doing a sacred ritual for her so that she can find salvation is actually really really kind and meaningful??? Not only because it’s an act of kindness but also because the pain she was experiencing was emotional/mental (with the constant tsu-tsu-tsura-tsura-tsurai), salvation could relieve her soul from exactly that.” (Apparently Ruki said the narrator is Buddhist but in the context of the song Hindu makes more sense, so I’m just going with that)

(Calm Envy) ““If you could love even these words I’ve thrown your way / I could keep trusting only you as you stand in front of me / It hurts every time you bring up the past you’ve suddenly shown me / I want to love even that empty space where I don’t exist / I’ll wipe away my tears so you wouldn’t notice them / So don’t smile in front of me anymore than this” – SHUT UP THIS SHIT IS REALLY UNCONDITIONAL BUT THEY’RE TIRED OF BEING HURT. GOODBYE. GOODBYEEEEE.” (Cr: Heresiarchy)

(Circle of Swindler) “Ruki writing "how much do you buy us for? let's negotiate [the] value of pain" in circle of swindler to demand respect and acknowledgement of his worth from the higher ups of the music industry because it's the music born from his pain that's making their money is Quite sexy” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

“[Stacked Rubbish] is about the baggage we have, the baggage we give each other, the Errors we make precisely because we are People who have souls. I think the point (of this album being like an anthology) is that everyone could find something in this album that speaks to them.”

[serialreblogger]

Are there any good poetry books you've read? I'm trying to improve my own poetry

Hmm, I don’t know about poetry books bc I don’t really have the attention span to sit down and read a book of poetry cover to cover, but I can recommend some of my favourite poets! 

Keats is, for me, the pinnacle of linguistic vividness--I like most of the romantic poets, because they’re all like that to a certain extent, but Keats is my favourite. Byron (mentally ill disaster bisexual extraordinaire, I relate to him on a spiritual level), Percy Bysshe Shelley (terrible human being but absolutely gorgeous poetry), and Samuel Taylor Coleridge are also up there on my ranking list, for sure, though Wordsworth is dead boring and doesn’t half match his peers for sheer beauty. (That’s too harsh. Plenty of people like Wordsworth. I myself still do appreciate “Daffodils,” I just find that he’s less to my taste than some of his compatriots. Like, “Michael”? w h y sir I am so bored)

Like, you can (I can, at least) practically taste the colours of Keats’ poetry, or Shelley’s, and Kubla Khan by Coleridge is exquisite (though literary elitists will argue over whether it really counts as “poetry” because it doesn’t profess to have some deep symbolic meaning--it’s just Coleridge trying to remember an opium dream he once had--but like?? It doesn’t have to?? It’s beautiful, isn’t that enough?). If you want specific poem recs, Shelley’s “Ozymandias,” “The Prisoner of Chillon” and “Darkness” by Byron, and Coleridge’s “Rime of the Ancient Mariner” are all eerie and deeply unsettling in the best way; for something less haunting, try “Ode on a Grecian Urn” or “On First Looking Into Chapman’s Homer” by Keats, “Ode to the West Wind” by Shelley, and “The Eolian Harp” by Coleridge (and, of course, “Kubla Khan” by Coleridge too).

I also love Gerard Manley Hopkins, even though it’s pretty much impossible to tell what he’s talking about on the first read-through of any given poem. But I mean, depending on how you feel re: religion/Christianity that may not be a bad thing, because he was one of those Catholics that are like “deeply tormented by the degree of my religious devotion (and how it plays into my undiagnosed depression and anxiety) but also trying to find comfort in that same religion” (...which may be a very specific description but like. young!me felt that). Regardless, though, even if you’re not comfy with that kind of Christianity, and even if you can’t figure out “as kingfishers catch fire” or “the windhover,” just--you don’t need to understand them? Like:

As kingfishers catch fire, dragonflies draw flame; as tumbled over rim in roundy wells stones ring; as each tucked string tells, each hung bell’s  bow swung finds tongue to fling out broad its name, each mortal thing does one thing and the same...

That’s just gorgeous. At least, I think so, so I recommend Hopkins. He also has some really good depression poems, but those are more explicitly “tormented Catholic,” so like. I’m not saying don’t read his sonnets of suffering, because for me they’re more cathartic than triggering most times--but if you want to steer clear of that I recommend still reading “The Caged Skylark,” “The Windhover,” and if you’re ok with overt mentions of Christianity also “as kingfishers catch fire,” “Pied Beauty” and “God’s Grandeur.” This has been an unofficial Best of Hopkins playlist recommendation by Linden.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning is a name you might’ve heard, but she’s mostly known for “how do I love thee? let me count the ways,” which is an excellent poem but also a huge disservice to her as a poet. If you’re interested at all in 19th-century feminism, excellent poetry, and/or willing to slog through a long one, check out Aurora Leigh.

Also Christina Rosetti!! A very cool human being and “Goblin Market” is like, a cult classic among a sub-subcategory of english literary scholarship, because it’s so creative and gorgeous to read and also such a revolutionary (for her time) commentary on female value and sexuality. Also 19th century, so bear in mind that it’s,, well actually it’s probably still revolutionary for our time, a little bit, in some circles. But it shouldn’t be, and it’s still certainly bound by the limitations of 19th-century expectations of femininity, so like, I wouldn’t hold it up as an example of modern feminist ideals, it’s just a v cool exploration of feminine sexuality, transgression and redemption in a society that was very firmly of the “once spoiled, ever soiled” mentality. 

And finally we can’t forget Oscar Wilde. This is not strictly poetry but he had a similar gift for language as the Romantics--see if you can find a copy of De Profundis, the letter he wrote from prison. It’s, again, not poetry, but the way it reads will definitely help you develop your voice if you want to build in the direction of “vivid imagery without actually describing any images.” Oscar Wilde is an,, interesting human being to learn about, and I’m pretty sure he wasn’t neurotypical; the way he saw the world was so unique, and sometimes that wasn’t a good thing re: how he treated people, but the way he thought and the way he described everything--it’s just. It may not always have been good, but it was always breathtakingly beautiful.

Sorry, this got quite long :P anyway I am always down to natter at length about 17th-19th century writers, and especially poets!! Unfortunately I don’t know much re: modern poetry, so if anyone wants to add more recent (or even, heaven forbid, still living) poets to this list please feel free to do so!!

**Also like!! I just realized some of this might come off as pretentious (“I can, at least”) and that is not at all my intention. If you don’t like these poets/don’t find their works as beautiful/vivid as I do you’re VALID poetry is highly subjective because it relies on minimal words to convey highly complex imagery and ideas, so depending on what associations individuals have with those words, every given poem has a different effect on different people. This is my personal taste but it might not be yours and that’s not a sign of superiority on either of our parts, it’s just how the English language and art as a whole works and that’s cool and okay!

[katetheworm]

Hey, I wanna know about your first trooper! You seem to like her a lot lol

YES! I LOVE HER! Thank you for asking!!! Here she is

Name: Sivana Tano

Species: Human/Cyborg

Gender: Female

Body Type: Fit

Eye Color: Green

Hair: Light Brown

Skin Color: Pale, white

Weapon: Blaster Rifle

Age: 20 in first chapter, 25 in SoR, and 32 in Onslaught

Love Interest: Theron Shan

Alignment: Lawful Good

Favorite Companion: Aric Jorgan (Oc and me)

Favorite Chapter: Chapter 3 (Oc) Chapter 1 (me)

Completion Status: All of the expansions

Short Backstory: Sivana was born on a planet in Wild Space. Both of her parents served in the Republic military. Her mother was a soldier while her father was a SIS agent. Unfortunately, her mother was confirmed KIA, while her father was MIA, so she has no idea whether he is alive or not.

Since both of her parents were in the military, she decided to join as well at the earliest possible age (which I will head canon as 16). Her mother died when she was 14 and her father went missing when she was 17. Siv was an amazing soldier. She was strong, intelligent, and just good.

After a few years at the Academy, she spent a year as a private on the front lines where she got injured and then got her cybernetics. She was then recruited by Havoc, this leads into the story.

Character Throughout the Story: Sivana did every light sided option available to her, even if that meant disobeying orders. She was there for the Republic but in her mind that meant the people and the civilians, not the politicians. Though she, of course, protected them as well.

Rise of the Hutt Cartel was mainly used for levelling up, imo, so I'm gonna move onto Shadow of Revan.

Siv did not flirt with anyone before she met Theron. She was there for the Republic and that was it. However, something about this SIS agent changed her and she began to fall for him. She saw his brokenness and wished to help him through it, as he did for her.

Knights of the Fallen Empire and the Eternal Throne changed her. Being frozen in carbonite for 5 years, having an all powerful Sith Lord trapped in your mind, and then waking up only to be thrust straight into an even bigger war than before can take it's toll on a person. Siv got through it, with help from Lana and the friends she made along the way, but it was still hard on her. And the only person who knew that was Theron.

When Theron betrayed her, Siv was absolutely heartbroken (so was I, tbh). She didn't understand why he would do such a thing, but her love either blinded her or showed her the truth. She would not kill him, she would not stop believing in him. And even though Lana was not as optimistic, Siv was right in the end. He was doing it all to save her. And they got married.

Onslaught was not as bad as the previous ones. Siv did what she had to, she defeated Malgus while meeting the new Jedi whom she would like to call her friends.

And that is all that I have right now, bc that is all the game has given us.

Personality: Picture a soldier who would do anything for their cause, but doesn't blindly follow orders. Siv believes that a good soldier thinks about their orders before acting upon them. She respects her superiors but she does not and will not betray her beliefs for their own agenda.

Siv has a loyalty to her companions and respects each and every one of them. Aric, Elara, Theron, and Lana are probably her closest friends, and she would do anything for them.

Opinion on Character: I LOVE HER. Have I said that yet? She was my first character in this game, so I don't know if that's biased or not, and she's the only one I've done all the expansions with. I think she's so much fun to play bc she is such a good and just person. But I also love her in the expansions bc she isn't exactly force sensitive and yet she's able to do all of these amazing things. And I just think that's really cool.

Opinion on Class Story: Unpopular opinion, I really like the Trooper story. I think it's different than the others and I think it's really cool to see the dynamic bt the military and the government. My favorite character in Star Wars is probably Rex, so I like the soldier type, and the Trooper story is just about a soldier who was thrust into politics and plays for power. Power that she does not want.

So yeah, I like the Trooper story. It's not my all time favorite, but it does have a special place in my heart.

~

Thanks again for asking! This is a lot longer than the others, but whatever.