#and like the after-project drop for an actor is real so i hope he's ok : (

[bottombaron]

ima be real

i think the most off-putting thing abt the finale was that i kept clocking Kayvan drop character just ever the most slightest tinniest bit throughout it

[uwua3]

if it's ok 😳👉👈 i really love your writing and i've had this idea in my head for awhile but i can't get myself to write it on my own 🤔 i wanted to see how your spin would be on it- so can i request a prompt where reader gets jealous of tenma's co-actress in a romance and tries to mimic what she does to him in a show they're in?? ty!!! 💕💕💕 i look forward to your interpretation

thank you so much for requesting~ ♡ i love you sososo much; i hope this lives up to everything you’ve dreamed of! ♡ ～('▽^人) i LOVE YOU!!! <333

summary: when tenma lands a role in your favorite drama, he had one goal: to become your favorite actor

warnings: envy/jealousy, food mentions, rivalry (all covered briefly!)

author’s note: after learning everything there is to know about the k-drama, true beauty, on tik tok, i’ve decided to write this! for context, the only thing i recommend watching before reading this is watching the “roar” scene!

this is also the first time i’ve introduced made-up characters with names! please enjoy jun, the first character who isn’t canon to the a3!verse :D

word count: 3,768

music: like a movie – b1a4

pretty u!

🌻☀️ sumeragi tenma

what the heck was love, and why did he have to be in it?

sumeragi tenma, future “world’s best actor”, was suddenly... seeing why he hadn’t won that award yet. with a script in his hand and confusion in another, tenma read the title of the next drama he landed the role for

“PRETTY U...” it was japan’s next major love story, advertised on every social media platform possible with the all-star cast in the spotlight already. although it had already been out for a season, tenma was entering as the up-and-coming newest character of the series

tenma was boyish, young, and much too confident for his age—perfect for the role of a second-lead bad boy who was going to steal the heart and test the protagonist’s commitment

except... he didn’t actually want to take up a new project so soon. he only did because—

“what?! you’re going to be chan on PRETTY U?!” he proudly nodded and watched as you began ranting about how much you loved this show. there was only one reason he came to the audition: tenma wanted to star in your favorite television series

you always went on and on about how great everything about PRETTY U was. after hearing so much and pretending not to listen (even if he could practically explain the entire plotline now without watching it), tenma let himself become a fan, too

after all, how could he not be a fan when you loved PRETTY U so much?

tenma didn’t respond to his manager’s pleas until one day, you revealed another reason why PRETTY U was your favorite production: the main lead

“he’s so handsome~ i love him so much!” “do you know him? could you get me his number?” “look at him... he’s the most perfect actor in the business right now—ah, sorry ten!”

tenma scoffed every time, claiming he could most certainly do better than that hotshot. although the boys typically didn’t do the same type of television, he had become tenma’s #1 rival without even knowing it

besides... what did that guy have that tenma didn’t? he was just nice! sure, he held open the door for the lead, bent down to tie her shoes, bended over backwards just to be the perfect boy-next-door. yeah... even he couldn’t pretend anymore

tenma pouted at the thought, skimming over his next pilot episode for rehearsal tomorrow. he was too good to be real, after all, he was meant to end up with the lead girl anyways (spoiler alert!)

but, it didn’t matter how perfect that actor was! because tenma had gotten the role of “chan”, the leather-jacket wearing mystery with an actual heart of gold, and he was going to make the entire audience swoon

(though, tenma just wanted to make your heart skip a beat when he ended up on the big screen)

tenma would never admit how fast he checked his phone when he felt it buzz in his pocket. sure, it was unprofessional during rehearsal but he knew it was you. however, his smile dropped the moment he read what you sent

you: remember to tell him how much i love him!

tenma: hah... no good luck for your new bad boy?

you: you know i’ll always root for you, ten!

tenma: but, i’m better than that actor, right?

tenma watched his message get delivered and was about to keep bothering you until someone called his name like they were friends. speak of the devil...

that actor’s straight, white toothy smile made tenma stand a little straighter (damn it, tenma was shorter), eyes wide as the actor gracefully introduced himself as his co-star for the next month or so (how did his voice sound even better in person?!)

“good morning, tenma! my name is jun, i’m so honored to meet a fellow actor on set! let’s work together well!” were they... really the same age? tenma barely registered the fact he was suddenly shaking jun’s (right, that’s his name) hand. why did he have such a manly grip?

tenma quickly (to his dismay) found out that him & jun had entered the industry around the same time but often had different projects, so they were never featured in the same production before. apparently, that was creating quite a buzz in the media that two childhood stars were competing against one another

a competition that tenma couldn’t lose. he was going to be your favorite actor, not his rival!

jun, like the perfect gentleman everyone described him to be, showed tenma around the PRETTY U set. jun had nothing but good things to say about the crew and vise versa. that only reinforced how tenma was oddly much more quiet than he usually was. luckily, one of the talents of being an actor was improvising, so jun was doing just fine

when they had reached the dressing rooms, jun shot a bright smile at tenma and gestured to the rather large room

“we’ll be sharing a dressing room together, tenma! we’ll be spending a lot of time together!”

tenma suddenly regretted his decision to become chan of PRETTY U. you couldn’t have had a different favorite show?! anything but... this

there were now three main characters for PRETTY U: hoshi, yuri, and chan, creating a love triangle for millions of viewers to watch every week

nakamura jun, leading role, played “hoshi”, the boy-next-door. this is the popular boy at school with the best grades and an even greater reputation amongst everyone. next, uedo ren, one of japan’s rising female actresses of this generation. she is adored as “yuri”, the perfect girl. she is the typical nerd who suddenly transformed into the prettiest girl at school from learning make-up

last (but definitely not least!) is sumeragi tenma, playing “chan”, the bad boy. it was nothing like tenma’s done before, since the character was much less expressive than he was used to. chan is a traditional rebel who is revealed to have a soft side for yuri. but, chan (ironically enough) has a secret history with hoshi, causing tension in this already confusing love triangle

(embarrassingly enough, jun had to explain to tenma the complications and ties between each character. tenma, unfortunately, found it to be extremely helpful)

even with this newfound knowledge of the characters in season 2, tenma couldn’t help but absolutely ruin the first day of rehearsals. even with a decade or so of acting as his experience, one thing kept him from being chan: his lack of chemistry with “yuri”

“cut!” the director called out again for the nth time, sighing as their eyes landed on tenma, who was not enjoying being the center of attention this time, surprisingly

“take 5, kid. once you come back, i expect you to actually go through this scene without messing up your lines.” tenma nodded and exited quickly, feeling flustered from the looks of sympathy directed his way. usually, it was one-and-done. it didn’t take a hundred tries just to do another romantic and cliché scene

tenma exhaled loudly once he felt the fresh air upon his face. without the fear of cameras in his face anymore, tenma ran his hand through his hair with a frustrated kick at the concrete. come on! he was renown child actor sumeragi tenma, why was he so in his head now?

tenma was about to yell into the sky before he heard someone close the door, standing beside him with their usual silence. tenma didn’t even have to look to know it was jun (probably with the most pitiful look ever)

“tenma? are you okay?” jun waited as tenma tried to not say anything he’d regret, shifting his weight on his foot back and forth before relenting, shrugging as if it couldn’t be helped

“i don’t know... i just, i can’t see yuri that way. how am i supposed to flirt with someone i don’t even like?”

jun pondered the thought for a moment, before tilting his head, a boyish smile overtaking his features. tenma unwillingly relaxed; jun finally looked his age

“who do you like then?”

tenma froze, a blush even foundation couldn’t hide blossoming on his cheeks. jun let out a teasing “oooh!” as he nudged tenma with his shoulder, who pushed back with an eye-roll

“i-it’s not like that! don’t be so—ugh!” tenma cut himself off, rubbing the back of his neck and avoiding jun’s knowing eyes. damn it, they barely knew each other. why was he getting so comfortable with his enemy?!

“well, whoever you thought of, imagine yuri as them.”

“is that what you do?”

jun shrugged, not giving a clear answer for once. before tenma could ask for more information, their break was over

when tenma returned to the scene, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. when he opened them again, he watched as yuri transformed into the one person he’s been trying to impress this entire time: you

when “you” smiled, tenma couldn’t help but follow along. his first-take after break made the cut for the final product

“you must really like them, tenma~” — “stop!!!”

filiming afterwards became easy, especially when he imagined all his romantic words were directed towards you. he could feel the clamminess of his hands, the rapid beat of his heart, the intense blush across his face, all at the thought of you

(the only time he had to start over was when he accidentally said your name instead of yuri’s)

tenma was sure he’d become your favorite actor now! after all, you were his favorite person

“will you watch the first episode of PRETTY U’s season 2 with me?”

you had never said yes so fast in your entire life. when tenma learned there’d be a cast-viewing of episode 1 after finishing the season, he knew his +1 invite could only go to the biggest fan of the show

throughout filming, you were always the person who got him in trouble when the text tone wasn’t put on silent. you liked spamming tenma with a bunch of supportive and encouraging messages when you were available, meaning tenma always had something to look forward to after each scene

in return, tenma would send a selfie of him with his castmates or the set (or, what he was allowed to show under his contract). yet, despite your constant pleas, there was one co-star he’d never take a photograph with: jun

(“tenma! we’ve worked together for months~ shouldn’t i be called your friend now?” “no—” “huh?! don’t pretend you don’t like me!” “who said i was pretending?” “tenma!”)

at first, tenma was apprehensive about inviting you to an event where jun’s picture-perfect face would be on display everywhere. but, whenever he saw you, the weight of the tickets suddenly felt much heavier in his pocket. he couldn’t deprieve you of such an exclusive event just because of his jealousy (even if he was this close to doing so)

when tenma impulsively asked three days before, it felt worth it when you threw your arms around him (he hugged you back and pretended this meant something to you)

“i love you, ten!”

tenma felt like he was on set again, with yuri’s arms tightly holding onto his heart

“i love you, too.”

even after saying it so many times, tenma meant it even if he didn’t say it to your face every time

you looked like the star of the show

tenma fixed his tie as his blazer suddenly felt too tight. you appeared in your most formal attire, looking like a million bucks as you two sat across each other in the limo

“ten, look at all of this!” you pointed out every little thing of preparing for a professional event. the little glasses of champagne neither of you two could drink sat to the side as the leather seats molded to fit your posture. as the night lights of tokyo blurred by, tenma couldn’t help but think you sparkled more than this diamond of a city

“i can’t wait to go see the first episode! thank you for inviting me.” you bowed your head, as if suddenly overcome with gratefulness. tenma lightly kicked your shoe with his, fondly rolling his eyes as he tried not to smile (mission failed)

“don’t worry about it, who else would i bring? you’re my favorite pe—friend. friend, yeah...” tenma trailed off, suddenly finding something very interesting outside of the window. you only nodded, seemingly more interested in the fact there was enough room to walk around

when tenma caught sight of the infamous red carpet laid out in front of the theatre, he cleared his throat and put on his best face for the cameras. after stepping out of the car with his bodyguards nearby, tenma turned and gave you a genuine smile. not his typical arrogant smirk the news source ate up, but a type of smile only reserved for you

when he held out his hand, the flashing lights behind him seemed like a real celebrity, something you had never considered him to be before. it was like seeing tenma in a new light (both literally and figuratively)

“shall we?” you took his hand and wondered if you could ever have your own j-drama. perhaps, tenma could even be the main lead...

before you could step off to the side, tenma already had his arm wrapped around your waist with his unchanging expression (however, underneath it all, he was internally freaking out. what was he going to do now?!)

“you’re my date, right? walk the red carpet with me.” tenma winked (you swore it sparkled) as he gestured towards the carpet ahead. suddenly, the line seemed much longer

“t-ten... you’ve never brought a date before...” you mumbled, acutely aware of how soon it was to walk down together. tenma’s arm stiffened, but nothing else exposed the revelation as he looked down at you

“you’re my first, then.” and my last, tenma thought to himself. before you could change your mind, it was showtime. tenma put on his movie star face and introduced you to familiar interviewers, smiling away as if you two weren’t panicking on the inside

while you were focusing on the fact you were going to be going viral as tenma’s first “date” to the event, tenma was trying not to blush from how close you were. you felt... right besides him

tenma was a natural in front of an audience waiting for him to make a mistake. he flawlessly answered every question with swaggering confidence, his stride easy and poses photogenic

you did your best to follow his lead but it all ended when tenma took you into the theatre, staring down at you with a bright smile

“we did it! see, told you we’d be just fine.” tenma let out an exhale of relief, glowing with joy from the adrenaline of everything that came with being a superstar. as you looked up into his excited eyes, you saw him lean down before—

“your arm is still around me.”

silence, then a hurried separation as tenma put too many feet between you two. it was suddenly as if you two were strangers. you regretted the words the moment they left your mouth; you didn’t mind at all... why did you say something?!

“um... so, food?” tenma spoke up after an eternity of making excuses. you two quickly moved to the line of movie snacks, using candy and popcorn to substitue the suddenly awkward silence

when tenma ordered all your favorites without even asking, he turned around with the selection only to close his eyes and internalize every single thing he was feeling because there he was, his worst enemy

jun entered from a side door, most likely finishing up helping the crew with set-up (and 30 minutes early as usual) before catching tenma’s iconic bright orange hair, a grin lighting up his face

“tenma! it’s me, jun!” he said, as if they weren’t the two main leads of japan’s most famous drama so far. immediately, your smile matched jun’s as you watched as your favorite actor of all time make his way towards you two

“jun... of course you’d be here.” tenma said through gritted teeth, forcing a pleasant smile even with an armful of junk

“ah, still keeping the bad boy attitude? we’re off set now, you can stop method acting now.” jun joked, bringing his attention to you with a dazzling smile that would absolutely make any fansite’s career

“oh? who is this, a friend of yours?” tenma tried not to sigh so loud when you couldn’t help yourself and burst into a long rant about how amazing jun was. tenma waited until you reached your midpoint and stopped you with a quick nudge, trying not to scream (could jun stop being so... perfect? could you stop being so cute?!)

when tenma introduced you, he stood a little closer as he tried to maintain his jealousy. “they’re my date, by the way.” no one had asked, but tenma was clearly telling anyone who was around you two had gone together

jun’s eyes lit up in recognition as he let out a noise of surprise. “ah~ so this is who you—”

tenma didn’t regret losing his giant popcorn so fast to a co-star who could only be silenced with food. his wallet could afford another one, anyways. his pride on the other hand? could not let you know his acting secret already

“what was jun going to say?” you asked after you two departed for the viewing room. tenma nonchalantly pretended like everything was okay as he guided you to front row

“probably something about the fact you’re the one who always interrupts our scenes.”

“hey! my texts make your day, don’t lie!”

“go sit down and eat already, jeez.”

when it began, your eyes couldn’t leave the screen. it was better than you could have imagined. everything was perfect, it exceeded the standards of even the toughest fans out there. you loved every second of it... except...

tenma was too good at being chan. even with his bright hair, the dark clothes he wore made him appear intimidating, with his sharp eyes and even sharper smirk. chan’s appearance was tough, rough, and mean, everything tenma wasn’t

yet, you still couldn’t help but feel your heart sink when chan was clearly in love with yuri. yuri was one of your favorite characters by far, but she ended up bothering you for the entireity of the episode

especially every time she shared a scene (which were many times) with chan. chan was revealed to be a bad boy with a heart of gold, all with a special soft side for yuri

what was this feeling? were you... no, you couldn’t be! after all, you had never seen tenma that way before, right? yet, every time chan made an exception for yuri, you felt sick to your stomach

was it possible that tenma liked the actress who played yuri? you snuck a glance at tenma, only to see he was looking at you already (he’d never admit it, but he was watching your reactions to see if he made you proud. yet, every time you saw him, you subconsciously frowned)

were you not proud of him? did you not like his performance as chan?

before tenma could ask you, the scene changed into one of chan’s. he was standing outside in the school uniform, his head ducked as he swiped through yuri’s social media. before he could look up, yuri jumped in front of him with a teasing smile

“roar!” she called out, referring to their inside joke earlier in the episode. yuri cutely bounced back with another roar, holding her hands up like paws. chan watched, his typical rock-hard expression breaking to reveal his developing feelings for yuri

later on, chan stopped yuri in the hallway, other students watching as the school’s bad boy and goddess interact

“do that again.” chan demanded to which yuri innocently tilted her head, confused like a little puppy. “do what?” “that... that thing.” when chan roared, tenma sunk into his seat with an embarrassed defense and explanation ready. but, when he looked, you finally cracked a laugh at his little roar

your smile only fell when yuri roared again as a joke, but chan smiled for once. tenma wondered why... he thought you would be so happy to be here with him. maybe, he’d never be better than jun...

when the episode ended, it took a moment before you stood up and clapped. tenma followed along, but all he could think about was how he let you down. not only as chan, but as your boy, too

when you two left the room, you two hung back to watch as everyone congratulated one another on the success of the production. in the midst of the cheer and celebration, tenma felt small as he watched your blank expression

what did he do wrong? he put his best efforts into every scene; he might even say it was his best work yet. before he could apologize, you did the unthinkable: you roared

you jumped up into his face, holding your hands up like yuri did. when yuri did it, tenma didn’t feel a thing. but, when you did, tenma felt it. the butterflies fluttered in his stomach as he stared at you, frozen in place

“this is the part where you ask me to do it again.” you shyly trailed off, about to put your hands down before tenma weakly put his hands up, knowing he was about to regret his next move (if the embarrassment didn’t kill him, he didn’t know what would)

“roar!”

that was too loud, wasn’t it? the room suddenly went a lot more quiet as they turned their attention towards a teen actor roaring at his date

“yah! why didn’t you ask me the next line?”

“b-because... i know i like you even without you doing, that, again.”

you paused, taken back by his honesty. as tenma contemplated just falling onto the floor right then and there, you suddenly hardened your expression, standing up straighter with your arms crossed

“do that again.”

“do what?”

“that thing.”

when tenma roared again, much quieter this time, you nodded as you finally smiled genuinely for the first time ever since that episode started

“good, i know how chan feels now. i like you, too.”

“does that mean i’m your favorite actor now?”

(when jun released a video of tenma roaring online, he captioned it with “ROAR = ILY!!!” tenma realized maybe he wasn’t all that bad, but still)

[yifcns]

( *•.¸ ☆ wong yukhei + cis male + he/him ) welcome to club byeol, ouyang yifan! before we hand you your complimentary champagne let’s verify a few things, shall we? it says here that you’re a twenty three year old actor and model on your file. how fancy! so that means your birthday is 08/11/1998, right? doesn’t that make you a scorpio? just checking! people say that you’re manipulative but being charismatic must make up for that! oh, and i don’t mean to pry but i heard that redacted? wow, you better hope that blogger doesn’t leak it! well, i think that’s everything we needed to know! enjoy your bubbly, star!

hey y’all, I’m here with obnoxious playboy and movie star, ouyang yifan! he’s born to a hong kong film director and popular actress of the 90s, both of which are household names in the hong kong film industry. aside from his glamorous parentage, he’s also known for his soft doe eyes that juxtaposes his killer smile (though really, it’s more of a smirk) I’ll leave more information and wanted connections below the cut, but if nothing fits, I’d be more than happy to brainstorm! you can like this post and I’ll drop you an im, otherwise, we can also take it to discord. 

BACKGROUND

born to famous parents and household names of hong kong’s film industry, yifan grew up in the public’s eye

his father, ouyang lei, is a hong kong film director known for his unique cinematic style (inspired by wong kar wai), and his mother, stella cheung, is a popular actress from the 90s

his mother was casted as the lead actress of his father’s film in 1996, when they were believed to have already been dating in secret; they wedded in 1998, the same year yifan was born

naturally, yifan was expected to take after their legacy, earning a place in the industry at a mere age of two, when he was a commercial model for diapers (best believe he rocked it though)

he started out as a child actor and model, eventually going into movies and modelling for the runway

he was born into the decline of hong kong’s film industry, which had peaked in the 90s

so throughout his childhood, his parents set him up to enter the film scene of neighbouring countries like japan and south korea

he was made to learn english, japanese and korean, to which are all languages he is fluent in, so yes, he is multilingual

he had worked on several projects in hong kong and china, now expanding into the south korean cinema, with the rise of the hallyu wave

he is currently located in seoul, where he has been residing at since 2019, to work on his latest project, a film trilogy

hollywood is the end goal for him but before that, awaits an education in beijing film academy, which he is already accepted into and will enrol in after he wraps up his filming in seoul

he has been away from home for a year and a half now and this june marks his second year in seoul

during his stay here, he is either at the set of his movie, in his apartment, or at club byeol

PERSONALITY

he’s incredibly charismatic and this helps with his tendency to 1) manipulate and 2) flirt (and yes, he usually gets what he wants)

he is a playboy and is very shameless about it

he knows he’s good looking; he knows the effect he has on people and he uses it to his advantage

so cocky it’s annoying, really

doesn’t know what it’s like to not have the spotlight on him but he wouldn’t want it any other way as he thrives on the attention

his greatest fear is irrelevancy, the one thing he’s never had to experience all his life, and he’ll pretty much do anything to prevent that from happening

grew up with a silver spoon and never really had to work hard for anything (landed most of his earlier roles because of his parents’ prominence in the industry) 

however, he is also admittedly effortlessly good at what he does, definitely helps that he’s great at putting on a front

WANTED CONNECTIONS

flings, exes, new flames; he’s got a ton of those (and a good amount of them ending on bad terms)

enemies or haters, also has a ton of those

like-minded souls, hedonistic creatures who party and drink their nights away

older sibling figures; he can be quite a child at times (ok, most of the time)

people whose secrets he knows, which he WILL use to manipulate you

fellow confidants or real friends, feels like he kinda needs some of those, not that he’d admit it

likewise, fake friends, probably is used to having a lot of these

some fans of his; for his work or for his looks, whatever

people he’s known from hong kong or china (he’s worked at both places growing up)

fellow actors he had worked with or is working with

[d-criss-news]

Ryan Murphy’s (Kinda) True ‘Hollywood’ Story: 1940s Meets Gay Stars, Interracial Romance and (Gasp!) a Female Studio Chief

The prolific TV creator and Netflix unveil a revisionist take on the golden age of movies, showing how much (and how little) has shifted in entertainment and beyond: “'Hollywood’ can change the world.”

On an abnormally cold January evening, on the steps of Los Angeles’ Shrine Auditorium, history was being rewritten.

Two actors, one playing Rock Hudson, the other Hudson’s African American screenwriter boyfriend, Archie, were tucked inside a teal blue Packard Club Sedan, awaiting their cue. Outside, it was Oscar night, 1948, and despite warnings of grave backlash, the pair was prepared to step out as a couple for the first time.

Archie exited first, his eyes wide with trepidation, then Rock. In matching white tuxedos, they grabbed for each other’s hands and shuffled nervously down the red carpet.

The press box erupted in hisses, then boos.

“Are we doing the right thing?” Archie whispered.

“Absolutely we are,” Rock replied.

The two exchanged smiles, exhaled and made their way into the theater. Then they stopped and did it again. And again.

Ryan Murphy, the scene’s chief architect, was a few miles east, buried in one of his dozen other projects, but his fingerprints could be detected everywhere. The reimagining — part of his new Netflix anthology series, Hollywood — offers a world in which Hudson (played by Jake Picking) walked openly as a gay man, as opposed to the real-life heartthrob who remained closeted until his death from AIDS in the mid-1980s. Elsewhere in Murphy’s revision of history, an African American actress, played by Laura Harrier, is cast as the star of a major studio picture, written by Hudson’s black boyfriend (Jeremy Pope), helmed by a half-Asian director (Darren Criss) and greenlit by a female studio chief (Patti LuPone) and her gay head of production (Joe Mantello).

If Pose was Murphy’s effort to champion the marginalized, Hollywood’s his shot at imagining such marginalization was undone decades ago. The series, his first without his longtime collaborators at 20th Century Fox Television, drops in its entirety May 1, with a sprawling ensemble of real and fictional characters. It was supposed to feel timely, its period backdrop a reminder of how much and how little has changed in 70-plus years; now, landing in a world grappling with a global pandemic, its 1940s setting could be the escape so many are seeking.

“I’ve always been interested in this kind of buried history, and I wanted to create a universe where these icons got the endings that they deserved,” says Murphy, 55, who’s been waiting out the virus at his home in Los Angeles, with his husband and two young sons, who now require homeschooling. “It’s this beautiful fantasy, and in these times, it could be a sort of balm in some way.”

The Netflix executives who shelled out roughly $300 million for Murphy’s services in 2018 can only hope so. Already, they’ve had to cancel influencer screenings, scrap subway ads and punt on potential plans for a premiere benefit for the now hard-hit Motion Picture Television Fund, which houses several stars of the era in its L.A. retirement facility. As for the show itself, it’s certainly not the broad-sweeping, four-quadrant fare that Netflix is widely thought to prefer. The pilot episode alone features six sex scenes — a mix of gay and straight — and nearly all involve some sort of financial transaction. By episode three, which the show’s writers have nicknamed “night of a thousand dicks,” the characters have found their way to one of director George Cukor’s infamous pool parties.

Still, Netflix head of originals Cindy Holland says that Hollywood is exactly the kind of elevated, inclusive and ultimately hopeful programming that the company wants from Murphy, and the seven-episode limited series was fast-tracked as a result. “What I love,” she says, “is that Ryan is creating a world that he wants to will into existence.”

***

Murphy’s first inkling for Hollywood came over a celebratory dinner with Criss following their fruitful awards run for the Versace installment of American Crime Story. With rosé flowing, the two began discussing a next possible collaboration. Murphy wanted to do something young and hopeful; Criss proposed 1940s Hollywood. The 33-year-old actor had been fascinated by the lore surrounding characters like Scotty Bowers, the L.A. hustler who operated out of a gas station on Hollywood Boulevard, along with golden age stars like Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn, and he was eager to explore the era with Murphy.

“There’s a blinking red light on it that says, ‘Ryan Murphy, Ryan Murphy,’ ” says Criss, “because it’s sexy, it’s fun, it’s glamorous, it’s dangerous and it has resonance now.”

Murphy didn’t disagree. As a student of Hollywood history, he’d already gone down the road with his FX series Feud, which centered its first season on Joan Crawford and Bette Davis. This would simply allow him to dig deeper on figures who’d long captured his attention, from Anna May Wong, the first Chinese American movie star, who was effectively run out of Hollywood, to Hattie McDaniel, the first African American to win an Oscar and not be allowed to sit with her cast in the theater. “I’m always moved by these characters who weren’t fully seen or didn’t get their moment,” says Murphy in an interview on the Paramount lot earlier this year, where he was directing Meryl Streep in The Prom, another Netflix production. At one point, he’d even toyed with the idea of doing a Biography-style anthology series with an episode devoted to each.  

Not long after that dinner, Criss was at a bachelor party when his phone rang. It was Murphy. “He says, 'Do you mind if I just do my thing on this?’ ” says Criss. “And I’m like, 'You’re Ryan fucking Murphy. Do whatever you want!’ ”

So, Murphy picked a collaborator, Ian Brennan, with whom he’d worked on Glee, Scream Queens and The Politician, and the two began quietly tossing around ideas. With the help of a few researchers, they landed on a story that revolved around a Bowers-esque service station, with a staff full of actors and directors looking to be stars. “It was super fun and sexy and salacious,” says Brennan, “but it was also about the #MeToo underbelly of 1940s Hollywood, which felt very, very contemporary.”

The men found it exhilarating to depict sex so explicitly and in every possible combination. “To be able to describe exactly what is happening is really, really cool,” says Brennan. And despite the appetite for such racy content varying dramatically around the globe, Netflix brass was passionate about its inclusion — a marked difference from his and Murphy’s experience on previous shows, where they fought tooth and nail over the mere mention of sexual terms. “I hope this isn’t speaking out of school,” he adds, “but the one thing [Netflix’s vp original series] Brian Wright said to me, was, like, 'Thumbs-up on the sex. If anything, dial that up.’”

From the Pose writers room, producer Janet Mock would see Murphy and Brennan huddled in a nearby room and wonder what the latest “secret Ryan Murphy project” was all about. At one point, Mock found herself pumping intel out of a writers’ assistant, who told her, “It’s a thing called Hollywood, it’s about this gas station.” Having seen the 2017 documentary Scotty and the Secret History of Hollywood, she figured, “OK, there’s no place for me in that. I’ll continue with Pose.”

But that would soon change, beginning with an eye-opening discussion in the writers room about which of the ensemble’s contract players would be picked to star in the film at the center of Hollywood. The role was that of real-life actress Peg Entwistle, a blonde Brit who jumped to her death from the famed Hollywood sign. “At first, we were like, “Well, it can’t be the black girl [Harrier’s Camille], they wouldn’t have done it. …’ And then it was like, 'Well, wait a second, what if it actually was? What if Peg becomes Meg,’ ” says Brennan. One what-if led to another and then another, and before long they’d decided to go back in and start revising history — this time, with Mock as a credited writer.

Now, rather than use the series to, say, showcase the powerlessness of a studio head’s aging housewife, in this case LuPone’s Avis, they tweaked the story so that suddenly it explores what would happen if Avis gained control of her husband’s studio. It was the same for several others, including Rock Hudson, says Murphy’s co-creator. Instead of telling the tragic tale of a person forced to hide, they allowed themselves to explore what would happen if he refused to do so. “Once we began asking, 'What if?’ it became a different show,” says Brennan, with Mantello adding: “It became a fable of what could have been.”

With Netflix execs eager to get the series up on the service, Murphy began loading the cast with his usual mix of familiar names — from Jim Parsons, as Hudson’s real-life closeted agent Henry Wilson, to Rob Reiner, as the head of the fictional Ace Studios — and newer discoveries, like Samara Weaving (Ready or Not) as Reiner’s daughter, or Picking as Hudson and Pope as his fictional boyfriend. As with other recent ensembles, he listed all of them not in order of importance or seniority but rather alphabetically on the call sheet. The message was clear: “The star of the show is the show,” says Murphy. Still, initial hires Criss and David Corenswet, who’d made his debut on The Politician, were given executive producer credits, along with backend points on the series. (There’s already talk of a season two, which would pick up in the late 1960s, with many of the same actors in entirely new roles.)

At some point in the production process, Murphy found himself scaling back the graphic nature of the series, too — a byproduct of his own personal recalibration, he says, having spent so much of his pre-Netflix life fighting to show so much as a woman’s nipple. “When you’re finally free, you have this tendency to go full tilt boogie, but ultimately I became much more interested in the emotion of the characters, and, frankly, I became protective of them,” he explains, suggesting every episode had an X-rated version, an R-rated version and a PG version, and, to the delight of participants like Corenswet, who plays an actor-cum-sex worker, Murphy would almost always select the R one.

“I think Ryan realized as we were shooting that the best part of the sex was the romance — and that’s always great to hear as an actor, especially when it applies to your five-page sex scene with Patti LuPone,” says the 26-year-old Corenswet. LuPone, for her part, was just thrilled she was still asked to do a sex scene at age 71. “Finally!” she bellows, praising Murphy for having both the vision and the courage to take the risks he does: “Ryan’s fearless,” says the Tony winner, who also popped up in Pose, “and I’m so happy to be in his world." 

***

Long before Murphy was a household name, with a big fat Netflix deal to ostensibly take all the risks he wants, he was a frustrated former journalist fighting to change a system that wasn’t built for him. His own secret had been revealed at just 15, when his mother found a drawer full of love letters from his then-22-year-old boyfriend at their home in Indiana. Horrified, she and Murphy’s father threw their son into counseling, hoping he could be "fixed.”

A decade or two later, after his first career as an entertainment writer, Murphy carved out a place for himself in television, where he could exist comfortably as a gay man — so long as he didn’t try to write anyone like himself into scripts. “There were lots of words that they’d use to discriminate against you,” he says, “too flamboyant, too camp, too theatrical, and they were all code.”

By the mid-1990s, he’d joined forces with 10 or so other out or soon-to-be-out creatives, a group that included Nina Jacobson, Greg Berlanti and A Beautiful Mind’s Bruce Cohen. Giving themselves the name ���Out There,” they’d meet in courtyards and living rooms to swap horror stories and try to plot a path forward. “We were young and didn’t have much money, but we had a lot of energy and a need to connect with and support each other as gay people working in a straight environment,” says Jacobson, who’d later collaborate with Murphy on American Crime Story and Pose. “And for a lot of us, it was, for the first time, that feeling of community.”

In time, Murphy, like the others, found a way to “monetize [his] pain.” His first creation, Popular, debuted in 1999, and other opportunities followed. Popular begat Nip/Tuck, Nip/Tuck begat Glee, and before he knew it, Murphy had moved from TV’s fringes to its red-hot center. As The New Yorker once wrote, “He changed; the industry changed; he changed the industry.” In early 2018, he signaled that power by signing a nine-figure deal, among the most lucrative in the medium’s history.

So it is perhaps fitting that Murphy’s first project wholly for and from the service includes a scene that trumpets what he calls “the thesis statement” of his career. It begins with Criss’ character, Raymond, being regaled by the story of Anna May Wong’s awe-inspiring screen test for the lead role in the 1937 adaptation of The Good Earth, a part that ultimately went to a far less deserving Caucasian actress. Suggesting it was one of the saddest stories Raymond had ever heard, a film executive played by Mantello responds:

“What’s so sad about it? The picture was a hit. [They] were right. You can’t open a picture with a Chinese lead or a colored one, a number of theaters won’t run it.”

Raymond: “But you said she deserved the part?”

Exec: “Yes, but the hard fact is, had she gotten it, the picture is not a hit.”

Raymond: “How do you know that? You never made the movie, so how do you know it’s not a hit?”

Criss’ character continues with a monologue that is so perfectly Murphy you can almost close your eyes and picture him saying it.  

“Sometimes I think folks in this town don’t really understand the power they have. Movies don’t just show us how the world is, they show us how the world can be. If we change the way that movies are made — you take a chance and you make a different kind of story, I think you can change the world.”

Criss himself would argue that Murphy already has. “His dial is always in extremes. So, if he’s doing Glee or Scream Queens or this, it’s at an 11, almost as a middle finger to reality,” says the actor. “It’s like he turned the dial over to say, 'This is how I’d like to see the world in my wildest dreams. Ain’t it fun?’ ”

In the past two years, since he moved his creative hub from 20th Century Fox TV, where he still maintains a considerable roster, Murphy been responsible for producing roughly 200 LGBTQ characters, many featured as leads. At least a third of his Hollywood cast is older than 70 (“Seventy is the new 40,” he teases), and nearly every project he launches is fronted by a woman — and that’s just in front of the camera. “If you see it, you can be it,” Murphy says often.

It’s a worldview that appeals to Netflix’s Holland, for whom he’s already prepped two films (Prom, The Boys in the Band), two docuseries (Circus of Books, Secret Love) and five seasons of inclusive television, including a Halston miniseries that, along with his 20th programs Pose, American Horror Story and American Crime Story, shut down care of COVID-19 in March. In the weeks since, when he isn’t toggling between Tiger King and MSNBC, Murphy’s kept busy writing two new decidedly hopeful series, each with the express purpose of providing viewers and himself an escape. “Ryan’s the rare creator who speaks to many audiences,” says Holland. “It’s not just gay people or straight people or older people or younger people, it’s really all people who are interested in the human condition.”

To date, Murphy claims he has yet to hear the word “no” from his Netflix bosses, though he’s definitely been nudged in certain directions. “They don’t want me to do small, niche things,” he says, acknowledging that not too long ago a project like Hollywood would have been deemed just that. “But they know how to market this,” he explains, noting that Netflix will push his latest series on viewers who also like love stories, young adult series and LGBTQ fare.

For those who worried the ultra-competitive producer would chafe in a system that doesn’t provide a public report card (aka ratings), he argues that that’s been liberating. Brennan backs him up, revealing how they received initial numbers for The Politician a week or two after it premiered late last summer and then another trove of data a month or so later; and though the latter could effectively game out how many people would watch the series over time, Brennan says, “We were sort of like, 'I don’t think that’s helpful.’ ”

Murphy takes it a step further, insisting he’s no longer interested in the old metrics, like how many people are watching or how many awards a series has generated. “All the things that people tell you will make you feel successful … I have those things, they don’t,” he says. What matters to him now is being able to tell stories that he wishes he or others could have seen. To that end, he can’t help but wonder what his own life would have been had he witnessed Rock Hudson walking the Oscars red carpet as an openly gay man — and though it’s too late to change his own experience, Murphy would like to be able to improve the experience of others. So, he took a chance and made a different kind of story. “Hollywood,” he says, “can change the world.”

[faefictions]

Day Old Hate

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Word count: 3,495

(It’s a week late, but here is the angst that @rupimiller​ told me not to post. Revenge, bitch.)

If he had been home, he would have witnessed your little fit. He would have heard you come home with a slamming door. He would have heard your sobs. He would have heard you throwing things across your bedroom like an angry teenager. 

If he had been home, who knows how he would have reacted to your outburst. Maybe he would have held you. Maybe he would have pulled you close to his chest and shushed you until your screams and cries subsided. Maybe he would have calmed your every worry and made everything ok. 

But maybe he would have been angry. Maybe he would have just called you immature and ridiculed you. You had no idea how he would have reacted. He had been gone long enough that you had no idea who he was anymore. 

In order to know how he would have reacted, he would have had to have been there. But that was the problem in the first place. That was the reason you were tearing your entire apartment apart as if a tropical storm had chosen to exclusively ruin his belongings. 

You knew what you were getting yourself into when you started dating Tom Holland. He was the Spider-man. He was one of the most popular and successful modern actors, so getting into a relationship with him wasn’t going to be a walk in the park, and you knew that. What you didn’t think of, was the fact that he was going to have no time for you. 

At first, you belittled yourself for feeling that way. You told yourself that you were being clingy, that you were being too needy. But as time went on, you barely saw Tom. He went from one project to the next, from city to city, and it was exhausting. 

4 months into the relationship, you had a brief conversation about it. You brought it up, shyly telling him that you felt that you never saw him. He agreed that it was a bummer you couldn’t spend more time together, but what did you expect him to do? It wasn’t like you were about to ask him to quit projects. You didn’t want him to break contracts, you just wanted to spend a week with your boyfriend. 

After a year of dating, you moved in together, although “together” wasn’t the best word for it. Tom owned the apartment, you lived in it, and when he was home, you shared a bed. That seemed to be the extent of it. 

Now, 6 months later, you had had the last straw. Tom had forgotten things before, and you understood that. He had a lot to focus on besides his life with you. He had to remember countless schedules, departure and arrival times, phone numbers, names, but he somehow managed. So when he forgot your birthday, you tried so hard not to be upset. 

You loved Tom, and you tried to be patient with him, but you could only forgive him so many times before it started to take a toll on your relationship. 

You gave him a day to call. You knew he was busy, and you hoped that he would call the next morning and apologize. 

“I’m so sorry, Love. I forgot about the time difference, I really meant to call,” were the words that you kept replaying in your head. You made up every excuse for him while you waited. But then a week passed and all you heard from him was a text that read “Miss you xo”. 

That was all enough to be a last straw for you, but the real problem came that Saturday night. You were bored at work, and had decided to scroll endlessly through instagram when a notification came across the top of your screen. 

“@tomholland2013 just posted a photo”

Curiosity caused you to click the banner a little too quickly, and your heart dropped just as fast at the sight of the post. It was a drunk selfie of Tom and Harrison in a club. You knew that it wasn’t as deep as it seemed. Him posting this picture was just a way of showing how much fun he was having with his best friend. That was all it was. But to you, it was saying that he had enough time to get shit-faced with Harrison, but not to send you a simple text. He was able to take a night to have fun with his best friend, but he couldn’t take a second to remember his own fucking girlfriends birthday. 

You tried to ignore the terrible feeling in the pit of your stomach, you tried to fight the burning tears in the back of your eyes. You spent the rest of your work day trying to suppress any emotion that Tom had evoked. And that was what had led you to explode all over your apartment walls. 

Of course it was just your luck that the one time Tom had decided to call you was mid-meltdown. You took one look at the screen and threw your phone across the room. The screen shattered on impact, but you didn’t care. You just kept crying and throwing all the belongings in the room against the walls. 

Eventually you wore yourself out and ended up crying yourself to sleep on the couch. You were so tired that you didn’t wake up to the unfamiliar sound of keys in the front lock. When the front door opened, Tom’s eyes grew wide and his heart nearly stopped. 

“The fuck happened here?” Harrison asked as they entered the apartment slowly and surveyed your destruction. 

Without a second thought, Tom ran into the apartment looking for you. He called your name a couple of times before he saw your head poke up over the arm on the couch. He ran over to you and kneeled in front of the couch, immediately bringing his hands up to hold your face so he could make sure you were unharmed. He noticed that you had definitely been crying, and that did nothing to calm his nerves. 

“Y/n, what happened are you ok? Did someone break in?”

“Tom?”

You were drained from your little episode, and it was taking your brain a moment to process that Tom was actually home. He wasn’t supposed to be back for another 2 months, and he had never come home unannounced. 

“Yes, it’s me. Love, what happened?”

“What are you doing here?”

Tom was confused with your demeanor. You didn’t seem panicked, afraid, or anything he had initially expected. You appeared annoyed, and it seemed to be with him. 

“Love, what’s going on?”

“Nothing, Tom, I’m fine,” you stated blankly and pushed past him so you could get up and head into the kitchen for a drink of water. 

Tom couldn’t wrap his head around your behavior. You were acting as if the state of the apartment was normal, and you were less than excited to see the boy who you loved and hadn’t seen in what felt like forever. 

Tom tried looking at Harrison to see if there was some kind of obvious clue that he was missing, but discomfort was obvious on his friends face, and he quietly excused himself out of the front door. 

Tom took a deep breath and followed you into the kitchen, careful to not get too close. He had never seen you upset like this, and he had no idea how you would react to him. 

“Love, will you please talk to me? I don’t understand what’s going on.”

You let out a deep sigh as you listened to the pain in his voice. This was supposed to be easy, you were just supposed to be mad at him, and that was it. It was supposed to be the end because he couldn’t care enough to make time for you. But listening to his voice, listening to the heartbreak, it hurt more than anything he could have forgotten, and you were falling apart trying to decide what to do. 

You slid down to the floor and stared ahead, doing your best not to look at him. If you looked at him, you wouldn’t be able to talk. You would just want to hold him.

“I can’t do this anymore, Tom.”

“What do you mean?” he choked out, barely able to take any air into his lungs. 

“I mean, I can’t keep doing this Tom. Does it feel like things are working for you?”

He tried to wrack his brain for something to say, something to save the situation, but he was lost. He had to admit, he knew that he was neglecting you. It tore him apart inside, he just couldn’t find the time in his busy schedule to be with you. He wanted to so badly, you were the first thing on his mind in the morning, and the last thing on his mind at night, and you occupied most of the thoughts in between. He just… had troubles getting that across to you. 

You took his silence as defeat, what else could you interpret it as? It appeared that he wasn’t going to fight you on it, which made things easier, sure, but it also broke your heart more in the process. You wanted to get out, get away from everything that was currently happening. So you stood up and threw your cup in the sink with such force that you were both surprised it didn’t shatter. 

“Love, please don’t leave,” Tom begged, and the second you heard the soft sob leave his lips, you broke. You couldn’t leave him like that, you didn’t want to at least, but the pain inside you was growing to be too much to handle, so you quietly apologized and stormed out of the front door. 

Much to your dismay, Harrison had been waiting right outside, and he stopped you as you tried to walk past him. 

“Woah, is everything ok?” he asked you, grabbing your arm so you couldn’t just brush past him. You two had gotten close since you met Tom. Early in your relationship, when Tom would leave town, Harrison would still be around working on his own projects, and he would stop by a couple nights a week to keep you company. It was nice to have a friend, but as things got worse, you knew that being close with Harrison would just make things messy if things went south with you and Tom. So you began to push him away slightly, until he got the hint and left you alone unless Tom specifically asked him to drop by. 

“I’m fine,” you tried to lie, but he knew better, and unlike Tom, he wasn’t about to give you your space. 

“Bullshit, come on, you know you can talk to me.”

“Haz, please, just let me go,” you scrunched up your face, trying your best not to cry any more in front of him. 

“Y/n, you can’t go.”

“And why not?”

“Because, you aren’t wearing shoes, you div,” he chuckled. 

You tried your best not to smile, but you couldn’t help it. 

“Good point,” you let out a watery giggle. 

“Come here,” Harrison smiled sympathetically, and slid down the wall to rest across from your front door. He patted the floor next to him, and with slight hesitation, you took the spot next to him. 

“What’s going on?”

“I don’t want to do this anymore, Haz.”

“Do what?”

“Any of it. Being with Tom is just… exhausting. I mean I love him, but I just… can’t.”

“Where is this coming from?”

“Nowhere, I just-“

“No, I know you. You wouldn’t be saying this unless he did something.” 

“He just doesn’t have time for me anymore.”

You spoke quieter than before, and Harrison could feel the hurt radiating off of you. He knew Tom had to have done something, but he couldn’t get it out of you. After a few second of deliberation, it occurred to him. 

“Oh my god, he forgot your birthday.” 

Your silence was confirmation of his suspicion. He pulled you into a hug as he saw the tears brimming your eyes again. You felt a bit overdramatic, but Tom had made you feel unimportant to him, and you let it build up until it all bubbled over, and this was the result. 

After a few moments of Harrison holding you, he stood up and offered you a hand. 

“Where are you going?”

“We are going inside, you need to talk to Tom.”

“I don’t want to do that.”

“Too bad.”

“Harrison, please, don’t-“

Before you could finish your sentence, Harrison bent over and scooped you off of the floor and threw you over his shoulder with a small grunt. He kept an arm firmly around you as he turned and walked into your apartment, ignoring your loud protests. 

Tom heard the front door open and hurried to wipe the tears from his eyes. He expected Harrison to come in, but he wasn’t expecting to see you thrown over his shoulder. It was a sight that he would have laughed at usually, but he didn’t feel that much of anything could have made him smile in that moment. 

Harrison set you down, but kept an arm behind you so you couldn’t run. You refused to look up and make eye contact with Tom, so instead you kept your gaze focused on his feet. 

“Tom can you tell me when y/n’s birthday is?”

“What?”

“Just need you to prove a point here mate.”

“Yeah, it’s August 3rd.”

“And what is today?”

“Harrison, is this really the best time for this?”

“Yes, without looking at your phone, what is today’s date?”

“I have no fucking clue, mate.”

“It’s August 7th.”

“What? No, it’s still July.”

“No, it’s August.”

Tom checked his phone to see that it was in fact the 7th of August, which meant that he had forgotten your birthday. When he realized this, his stomach dropped, and he looked up at you, but you still refused to look up from his feet, even when they rushed towards you. 

“Love, I’m so sorry. Shit, I’m such a fucking idiot,” he rambled as he pulled you close to him. The stiffness of your shoulders didn’t disappear like it usually did, no matter how long or tight he held you. 

“Harrison, can we have a minute,” you pleaded, just above a whisper, as you pulled away from Tom. Harrison gave a sad nod and left the room, leaving you two in an awkward silence. 

“Y/n, I’m so sorry, I really didn’t know it was your birthday. I had a surprise planned and everything.”

“What are you doing here Tom?”

“W-What?”

“You never come home. What are you doing here?”

He was taken aback by your question. It was his home, did he really need an excuse to be there? But you were right. He had only really lived there for a total of a few weeks over the 6 months that you had lived there, so if anything, it was somewhere for him to crash while he was in town. It was your home, he was just a visitor. 

“Can I not just want to see you?”

“Apparently not, you haven’t before.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“I mean…I mean you don’t have time for me anymore, Thomas.”

The pain in his chest was debilitating after hearing you call him that. On good days you called him Tommy, when you were in a sour mood you called him Tom, but you had never called him Thomas. A breath caught in his throat as he tried to say something back, but he couldn’t find the words. 

“You just have so much going on. You’re always working, and when you aren’t, you’re in another city anyway. You have press tours, and movies, and I just can’t handle this all, Tom. I can’t do this without you.”

All your emotions spilled out at once, and you finally began to sob. Tom didn’t know what else to do, so he reached out for you. You were reluctant to let him calm you at first. You wanted to hate him, and you wanted him to hate you too. You wanted it to be easy to leave him, but it was anything but. 

Tom led you to the bar stool a few feet away and sat you down, but kept his hands on your shoulders, his way of letting you know he wasn’t going anywhere. 

He didn’t know how to reply to what you had said. You were right. He was too busy for you. But it wasn’t because he didn’t want to see you or spend time with you. It was just the current reality of his career.

“Y/n, take a deep breath,” he cooed.  

“Don’t tell me what to do,” you cried. 

“God, you’re so stubborn,” he chuckled, trying his best to not laugh while you were in this state. But as he let out a small laugh, he saw the edges of your lips turn up into a smile, and he started to feel a little hope. 

“Love, can we talk about this?”

“Tom, I don’t know where there is to talk about. I hate being here alone. I know you love me, and I love you too, so much, but it’s just so lonely. I feel like you don’t even exist sometimes. Like our relationship is just all in my head, because there isn’t anything to prove otherwise. You never text, you never call, you’re never here. You have no idea how hard it is.”

“I do know, Love, I’m right there on the other side of it. I spend every second of every day wishing you were right there next to me.”

“Y-you do?”

“Of course I do, Darling. And I hope you know I feel terrible about forgetting your birthday. You deserve so much more than that.”

“Were you really planning a surprise?” you sniffled, looking up at him with puppy dog eyes. The sight made him melt, and he just wanted to pull you into his arms. 

“I was.”

“What was it?”

“Well I can’t tell you, or it won’t be a surprise.”

“But Tommy, it was already my birthday, you gotta tell me now.”

“Nope, tomorrow I’m going to make it up to you. So you’ll just have to wait and see.”

“You’re staying tonight?”

“Of course, y/n. As long as you’ll let me.”

You just nodded at him, before you jumped up and wrapped your arms around his neck. You squeezed him so tight, you both could have sworn he would have turned blue if you hadn’t let go when you did. 

When you pulled away, Tom brushed a strand of hair behind your ear and wiped the last few tears from your cheeks. 

“I’m gonna make you a promise right now. After this next movie is over, I’ll take a year off. It’ll be just you and me. And we can travel, and go on dates. We can spend every single holiday with our families, and I promise, I won’t leave your side. By the end of the year, you’ll be so sick of me, you’ll be begging me to do more movies.”

You giggled at him, and pulled him into one more hug. You appreciated the sentiment, and you weren’t going to fight him on it yet, but there was no way you were going to let him give up acting for that long. You made a mental note to talk him down to only taking a few months off. 

You were exhausted, but your apartment was still trashed, so you got up off of the stool and began to tidy up. 

“Love, what are you doing?”

“Cleaning up.”

“You don’t need to do that.”

“Yeah, I do.”

“No, hey, just rest please. You look exhausted. I can help you clean in the morning. I’m going to invite Harrison back in, and we can all have a drink and watch a movie, and you can get some sleep.”

You reluctantly agreed to go sit on the couch, and waited for Tom to come join you. 

“Is everything good?” you faintly heard Harrison ask Tom, followed by, “Thank God, I didn’t want to have to choose between you. We all know I would have had to choose her.”

You heard Tom hit Harrison, causing him to chuckle, before Harrison came and plopped down right next to you. 

“Told you you just needed to talk to him,” he arrogantly winked at you, and you rolled your eyes, but gave him a hug anyway. 

You spent the rest of the night in your trashed apartment, watching a scary movie between your two favorite people. The 3 of you got a little tipsy, and you ended up crying one more time, telling them both how much you loved them. It was exactly what you needed after being so lonely for so long. 

Tags: 

@embrace-themagic​ @fanficparker​ @baconlover001​ @chloe-geoghegan1​ @chonisberonica​ @heartbeats-wildly​ @saturn-aka-six​ @harringtonsbaseballbat @ghostofdrfluke​ @calum-hoodwinked-me​ @peterplanet​ @spiderlingsweb​ @bucky-newtlock​ @quinjetboi​

[giogama08]

Tendou Satori, School Festival part 1

I dropped the tone a little… Just wanted to write something cheesy with my cute yokai :3 This end being a lot longer than I originally intended, so I split it into two parts. As always, sorry for my English, I promise I will get better. ft Ushiwaka.

The school cultural festival of Shiratorizawa was approaching. Everyone was busy with some sort of task, even you were drowning with a bunch of chores. You know for sure that most of the students should be staying late in the school trying to advance their designated jobs. Well, at least most of them.

The volleyball team was another story. Because a tournament was coming up, they were exempts from any important duty for the festival. Nonetheless, they would still have to participate even if their contributions were less.

“Wakatoshi-kun, are you excited about the festival?” Tendou asked to start a conversation with the ace. They were just finishing cleaning after practice and most of the team already left.

“Not particularly” he answered in a monotone voice.

“As expected” The redhead threw a sigh, but immediately recover his enthusiasm. “There will be a lot of food and a lot to see!” Says the middle blocker, hiding the main reason for his excitement. “Besides, my class says I just have to work for a little and then I am free. Shall we go together? Or perhaps you have to stay longer?”

“No,” said Ushijima. “They said I just have to help with the cleaning after the event”.

“Heeeeh!! That’s so lucky!” exclaimed the redhead with an envious voice. “That means you have all day to visit all the other classrooms. Are you going to visit me, Wakatoshi-kun? I promised you won’t get disappointed” He added with a mischievous smile that the other guy completely ignored. “Can you bring (Y/n)-chan? I bet she would enjoy our class project”. 

It was not a secret to the ace of Shiratorizawa that Tendou has feelings for you, not because he had said something but because he was so obvious that even someone as indifferent as Ushiwaka could notice. Why he hasn’t confessed yet was an unknown matter for the brunette.

“Sure. I can tell her tomorrow in class” he said. 

“Yei!” He yelled euphoric with his both arms in the air. “I can’t wait for the festival to start!”. As they were leaving the gym, Semi and Ohira joined them and walked together toward the dorms.

“What is your class doing?” Ushijima finally asked. Tendou displayed a smile full of pride and his chest swelled. 

“A haunted house,” he said.

An opportunity to costume as a real monster and scare the hell out of people? Of course that Tendou couldn’t let it slipped off him. He was so excited when his classmates suggested a haunted house as their project that he immediately volunteered to be one of the ghosts for the attraction. Although the staff would be rotating to provide enough rest to the actors, he was resolved to terrorize as many people as possible.

“All of you have to come! I promise that you all will end up so scared that I will appear in your nightmares” he said with a spooky voice.

“You are already in them,” said Semi in a low voice.

“Of course! Sounds fun” replied quickly Ohira, in order to prevent Tendou to heard Semi’s comment. Fortunately, Tendou was so overexcited about his future performance that he just brushed it off.

✧゜ﾟ°º｡✧｡º°ﾟ゜✧゜ﾟ°º｡✧｡º°ﾟ゜✧゜ﾟ°º｡✧

‘Seriously?!’ you thought as you stand at the entrance of the classroom 3-2, aka Haunted House. You saw people exiting the place completely in terror. Some of them even crying. You swallow hard in order to keep yourself together. There have been rumors that the class 3-2 has successfully scared everyone that has entered so far, even heard that Goshiki leave the place running like a maniac.

You were a scaredy-cat and for some out-of-your-hands reasons, you have to enter alone into the said project class. Ushijima told you that Tendou was expecting you to go, so you couldn’t avoid visiting your friend. But a haunted house wasn’t exactly what you wanted to do during your break time. You took a deep breath before taking a step inside the room.

It was as horrible as you were imagining. The place was so dark you could barely see the floor. You supposed that they had turned the AC on cuz it was chilling inside, which didn’t help to your already shimmering body. There were a lot of cardboard figures simulating being some antique furniture of an old house, fitted in a way that creates a labyrinth. You started walking through the place, hugging yourself, in hope nothing actually jump on you. You had no such luck.

As soon as you pass nearby a chair someone, disguised as a Nando babā, on the other side jumped behind it and scared the hell out of you. Although you didn’t scream, your heart almost escaped from your chest. After recovering from your initial fright, you continued your course.

Even tho you started to guess when someone could appear in front of you, it was still really frightening for you. You were wishing not having come when suddenly a Hōnengyo emerged in front of you. It was by far the more realistic yokai in the place. It was easily taller than you. It’s scales and claws looked extremely intimidating, as it raised its arms above its head, attempting to scare you. That was the main reason everyone was leaving in terror because Tendou has put so much effort into his disguise and his performance that everyone forgot for a second that they were in a school and believed that it was real. He wasn’t even using a mask compared to most of the monsters in the place, he actually managed to paint his face so his skin could look terrifying.

“So cute…” You whispered loud enough for Tendou to catch it. “What?!” he thought, tilting his head a little. Crimson was starting to color his cheeks as he noticed how your eyes literally sparkle at the view of his costume. 

“It’s amazing, Satori-kun! You look like a real monster” the amaze in your eyes didn’t disappear as you raised your hand to reach for his chest. It felt like actual scales. Tendou tried with all his might to recover his composure.

“Why you aren’t scared?” He said, trying not to pay attention to your hand that was still on his chest. You retire your hand (for his misfortune) and thought about his question.

“Oh, I am scared,” You said with a calm voice. “But at the same time, I know is you. And I always have felt safe with you, Satori-kun”. Your smile melted his heart. Moving by an unknown force, he took your hands with his claws and looked directly into your eyes. In that instance, he forgot about where he was and what he was doing, he could only focus on your eyes and how beautiful you looked.

“I liked you, (Y/n)-chan. I really do”. You open your eyes wide and the blood rushed to your cheeks. ‘Shit’ Tendou thought, realizing what he has just said. He didn’t have the intention to confessed to you, EVER, not to mention dressing as a giant lizard. “I mean… well, you know… in a way…” he didn’t know what to say to fix it. As he was about to retreat, you grab his claws.

“I like you too, Satori-Kun” Your cheeks were still red, but your eyes were focused on him. He felt like a bucket of water just dropped on him. 

“Wait, really?!” He couldn’t believe his luck. You like him back?? For real?? What were the odds? A big smile was placed in his face but with all the make-up it looked kinda creepy. You giggled at the sight.

“I have to go back to my classroom now, but promised me to come and visit, ok?”

“I promise!” He said, kissing your forehead before letting you exit the room.

[jj-lynn21]

Early home coming Bill & X-reader

warnings: angst, slight smut, fluffy

It had been a long time since Bill could be home for more than a day or two. Multiple projects and travel had him on edge. He had a very short time between a current project and a public appearance for a movie he really loved the premise of. 

The last few days of filming were long and cold. Bill facetimed you at 1am on Saturday looking exhausted and broken down. Part of that was the make-up for his character but you could tell he really wasn’t enjoying himself like he has on other projects.

Bill: Hey baby, I hope I’m not calling to late or early or whatever. You’re a site for these sore eyes.

You: Its fine Bill. I was up writing anyway. I’ve been worried about you. How is filming going?

He runs a hand through his hair: Its ok. No creativity involved. I’m a little to laid back for the hyperactive around here and lack of preparedness. I know people can’t know every line for the day, but people need to keep there shit together at work…

You listen to his concerns and slight complaints. It’s not normal for him to talk like this about people he works with, but he does seem very tired. He was convinced to join this project after working with the main actor on another project, But they were already a week longer than expected and you know he was on a tight schedule to get to Sundance to promote a project he really enjoyed . And then it was off to the next acting project. Barely time to breath between jobs. You don’t expect him home anytime soon.

Bill: I could just use some time with you. I hope we are wrapped by Wednesday. Then I could get a few days with you before Sundance. If I really had any time not working, I would take you with me but it’s a big schmooze fest. You, ok?

You: I’m fine. I understand, Baby boy. You should try to get some rest. If I could be there you know I would wrap my arms around you and tickle your face lightly to relax you. 

Bill closes his eyes leaning back on the pillow behind him: mmm I like that thought. You always make me feel more relaxed with small touches.

You: My finger brushing over your cheeks while I snuggle my body up close to you to keep warm. Just making sure you feel loved and cared for as you drift off to sleep.

Bill: I love you (YN).

You: I love you to Bill. Try to get some sleep. Call me tomorrow and we can talk more.

Bill: I will. Good night.

You: Good night.

He hangs up and you take a shower and head to bed. You wake just before noon. While your coffee is perking you brush out your hair and put on light makeup and a robe with Bill’s favorite bra and panty set under it. You sit in the workspace he set up for you, working on your newest creative endeavor. He encourages all creative endeavors. Your phone goes off beside you.

Bill: Hey, Princess. I’ll be home in about seven hours. Someone thought they were more able to do something they shouldn’t have done. After the rest of the week and weekend off filming, they’ll restart without me. I only signed a contract to be here until a specific date so they can fucking cut me. I don’t even care. I’m done. I still get paid, it’s just my time that seems kind of wasted.

You: I’m sorry. I know you put of lot of time into that movie project. I can’t wait to see you. When do you catch your plane?

Bill: I’m boarding the plane shortly. I’m already at the airport. Love you. See you soon.

You: love you.

As soon as his plane lands he shoots you a text. You make him some comforting pasta with marinara and a steak with his favorite beer ready for him as he walks in the door. He drops his things as you run over to wrap your arms around him. He pulls you flush against him and leans down to kiss you with every once of energy he has left. He doesn’t let go once you both come up to breath. You just look into each other’s eyes for a while.

You break the silence first, “I know its late, but I have a beer and some food for you at the kitchen table. I can just rub your shoulders while you eat if you’d like?”

Bill takes a hand and caress’ your face like he is trying to memorize every part of it once again. “That sounds good. I’m sorry I’m to tired for much else tonight. But we have over a week until I need to leave again.”

You tell him, “We will just do what I told you when you called. After you get some good sleep, we can do whatever else you feel like. I’m just happy to have you home for a little while.”

You tickle his face lightly as he falls asleep peacefully. Your week together seems to fly by. But in that week, he makes sure to reacquaint himself with every inch of your body. He started the morning after he got home when you wake to his hand passing over every curve and touching every part of you and every way he can think of. Then his lips move over your body giving you goose bumps.

You can’t wait until he gets all the way down to taste you. He can’t wait to hear the little sounds that come out of you. He knows the small sounds you make are more real than any loud over the top screams and loud moans. He loves your mmm sounds and breaths in time with his when he makes love to you slowly every day until he needs to leave. Leaving is always hard for him even though he loves most of the acting jobs he gets to do. Bill does love it as much as he loves you, but he would never want to give up either.

You stand at the door as he grabs the last of his things to leave. He sees in your eyes how much you will miss him when he is gone.

He caresses your cheek, “I’ll talk to you in a few hours when I land. And after the interviews and schmooze fest is done for the day, we will spend some quality facetime together, ok?”

You just nod holding back a flood of emotion you don’t want him to see. You would never want him to feel guilty for leaving you to go do what he loves.

He kisses you softly, “I love you Princess. I cherish every moment we get to spend together.”

You smile, “I love you Bill. Safe travels.”

He leaves. It was a great week. And you wouldn’t change this life you have with him for anything.

[treasureboys]

take #2

who?: treasure 13’s kim junkyu

genre: ☀️

type: bullet point

treasure map

actor! AU

this movie sucks but junkyu doesn’t

a/n: this is a cute prompt from @dailyau , creds to them!!

disclaimer: pictures used do not belong to me and credit goes to their original owners

this is purely a work of fiction

DO NOT READ IF TRIGGERING

~

“no,” you shake your head firmly. “I’m not spending coin on this stupid movie.”

“PLEASE___! IT’s tHE BEsT ROMCOM THIS SUMMER!” your friends beg

you sigh, glancing back at the trailer

It was so typical and cliché! As if any dude in real life was like that!

your friends practically swooned when the male lead came on screen again

and while he was attractive, you wish his character had been more developed so you could appreciate it too

now he was just the popular boy-next-door who fell for his quirky nerdy new neighbour

it sounded like a bad fan-fiction

but your friends were adamant that this was the perfect weekend midnight show

so...10 minutes later, you were seated inside the nearly empty theatre

there was only another group of friends and a few couples watching the late show

Just as the movie was about to begin, a young man strolled in and sat in the seat next to you

he looked very suspicious in that mask and cap get up

but, you decided not to question and focus on the movie

maybe it would be worth giving up some hours of sleep

IF the movie could even keep you awake😔

“a-are you kidding me?” you mumbled through a mouthful of popcorn. “he’s a horrid guy! let him go girl.”

“Sh!” your friends hissed. “He’s the lead for a reason.”

“Yeah, b-but why do they always have to be bad boys or perfect prince charming with a side of asshole.” you complained.

perhaps you misheard, but the man beside you seemed to be stifling chuckles

“ugh you’ll understand soon,” your friends groaned

but you didn’t

Even as they gushed about how perfect the movie was, you couldn’t find it entertaining

it was...typical

ok maybe the little twist at the end was cute

but you felt it was very one-dimensional

8 different movies with the same plot had been forced down your throat

“i-it’s so underwhelming...I expected a lot from XXX director ,” you muttered to yourself

“which part of it?”

you jumped at the suddenness of the question which definitely wasn’t from your friends

it was from the masked man next to you

“I-I...I just find it predictable and nothing new. Especially the part when she-“

you have a lot to say about it

he doesn’t say anything, only nods and tries to hide a smile behind his mask

“Nothing against the actors or anything. Maybe...maybe I just wanted more development.” you sigh. “I wanted to love it.”

“You a screenwriter? Director?” He asks

“Well...I just write for fun, sometimes. My cousin is a director though! She’s actually under the same company as XXX director and screenwriter.” you reveal.

He hums in reply, brow quirked with curiosity

The movie ends before you know it and you nearly dash out of the theatre

“It was...mediocre. B-better than expected maybe.” you try to be as understanding and non-judgmental as you can

“See! I knew it would grow on you!” your friends giggle

They leave for 2 seconds to throw away their empty popcorn bins

you spot the same dude that you sat next to

wow his face is much clearer in the light

he...he kind of looks like someone

it is that striking gaze

w-where have you seen that gaze before?

but before you can wreck your brain, he simply waves goodbye and is ushered away by a middle-aged man

strange

you never got a chance to catch his name

~

“are you sure about this?” you questioned your cousin again

she rolled her eyes. “Yes, don’t worry about it. If my boss has an issue with me using my lunch break to hang out with my favourite cousin then he can take it up with me.”

you sigh. “I know, just worried y’know. One of your projects just got chosen for production, there’s so much to be done!”

She smiled. “Then can’t we make it a spa day to relax and unwind?”

you shot her a flat look. “No.”

both of you crossed the road in the direction of your beloved stew restaurant

“I’m so glad this is opposite the office.” your cousin declared. “So many workers and talents come here to eat lunch. Let’s hope we get a good spot.”

it’s a lucky day because you guys do get a nice booth

“So tell me,” you probe after ordering the classic kimchi-stew. “How’s the new project coming about?”

“Good, good. Sooo much work I can barely take a break but...it’s so nice to be busy like this,” she speaks from her heart, dreamy-eyed

“Oh! Actually, that’s the main lead over there!” She points to a table with a couple of boys sitting at it

probably with production crew and managers

“That’s Choi Hyunsuk, our protagonist and...our antagonist Kim Junkyu.”

Kim Junkyu?

why does he look so familiar?

“It’s so funny. Junkyu usually gets the role of prince charming, but he auditioned for the role of the villain.” she giggled

always a prince charming? a boy-next-door character?

Hyunsuk notices your cousin and gives a friendly wave.

He then excuses himself and walks over to your table

This causes Junkyu to turn around for a glance

And a glance is all you need

those damn familiar eye

it’s him

the man who sat next to you in the cinema

the actor

oh my god

your mind goes blank and your face turns 15 different shades of scarlet

your head turns so fast your neck hurts

but Junkyu is already making his way over with a mischievous grin

“Junkyu! Hyunsuk! Guys, this is my cousin ___.” your cousin introduces, completely oblivious

“um hi,” you mumble, clasping your chopsticks so tight they might crack

“I’m Hyunsuk,” beams the blonde. “Your cousin talks a lot about you.”

again, you can’t stop the pink glow

“I’m Junkyu.”

ohoNoNOOHNO

“h-hi.”

you cannot even look at him, much less look him in the eye

there’s not an ounce of courage left in you

“haha i think it’s just strange for ___ to see y’all act in such roles. Junkyu’s usually the boy-next-door. What made you change your mind?” your cousin attempts to diffuse the situation

“Oh that,” You can practically hear the smirk in his voice. “Well, let’s just say someone offered me a very useful piece of advice on...versatility.”

~

it’s been a week since that mortifying incident and today

well, you’re terrified that it’ll happen again

reason being, you’re back at your cousins office

but today, you’re here just for 15 minutes at most

She forgot her inhaler at your place and since you’d rather be safe than sorry, you decided to drop it off

“____ darling! Thank you!” your cousin sings as she marches across the building lobby

you notice that her hair is out of place and there’s lint on her blazer

“ooh we’re actually on one of the sets right now, would you like to come watch?” she suggests

“ I-“

“Come on! It’ll be fun. Everyone is having a short break now.”

And zoom, you’re rolling past a dozen buildings and sets on one of the most prestigious film houses

once on set, your cousin pretty much introduces you to the whole crew

you swear you spot Junkyu somewhere in the flurry of faces

“um woah are you okay? why’s your face so red?” your cousin places a hand on your forehead

!!!

“um haha i guess i just need to cool down.”

she nods. “There’s a vending machine just outside on the left.”

you quickly excuse yourself and seize the moment to calm down

Junkyu takes this opportunity to slip outside as well

“Hey,”

shocked, your finger slips and the code for your beverage is wrong

“Sorry about that,” Junkyu apologises, blushing

“You wanted this right?” He collects your favourite soda from the machine

and handing you the change

“Y-yeah. H-how did you-“

“I uh noticed that day.”

that day

now it’s your face getting hot

“I’m...I’m really sorry for bashing your acting and your character! It’s not that you’re bad at acting, it was just a very stiff role but I’m still so sorry! I really-“

He signals for you to stop, chuckling

“Hey, if it wasn’t for your comments, I wouldn’t have challenged my versatility as an actor. So...thank you.”

THUD THUD THUD

there’s short silence where you exchange sodas and pop the lid open

And then you both take a slow sip

“How about a take 2?” you suggest bravely, holding out a hand

please take it, please take it

Junkyu examines it with a small, amused smirk

...before clasping it

“Sure, I’m Junkyu.” :D

[angelofberlin2000]

by Natalie Finn | Fri., May. 17, 2019 3:00 AM

When Keanu Reeves was asked the other night, "What do you think happens when we die?" interviewer Stephen Colbert probably wasn't expecting such a deep—or assured—answer from the movie star.

"I know that the ones that love us will miss us," the 54-year-old actor said sagely, rendering the Late Show host unusually speechless.

It was a sincere, thoughtful response—vintage Reeves, really—from someone who's had reason to think about such things.

"I haven't really thought about my career future, or what was going to happen, until really recently," he also told GQ in February. Asked why he started thinking about it, he replied, "Death!"

Watch https://www.eonline.com/videos/289305/how-keanu-reeves-training-for-john-wick-3-compares-to-the-matrix

How Keanu Reeves' Training for John Wick 3 Compares to The Matrix

The still eerily youthful-looking Reeves, who's back in theaters Friday in the third installment of the blockbuster John Wick franchise, has become a brand unto himself, the name "Keanu" signifying not just movie stardom but also a certain kind of performance and even a state of mind: chill, zen, blissfully checked out ("Sad Keanu" meme notwithstanding). His name—which has lent itself to a comedy about a cat and a recent hit song by Logic, and which of course a studio exec wanted him to change when he first came to Hollywood—does mean "cool breeze over the mountains" in Hawaiian, after all.

But still waters run deep, and despite being in the public eye for more than 30 years, he's one of the least-known people whose chiseled face you would recognize anywhere. Few play it as close to the vest as Reeves, who, though he does the occasional interview and shows up to fulfill his side of the bargain in promoting his films, does not talk about his personal life. And not in the way that most celebrities don't really talk about their personal lives.

As in, it's entirely unclear if he even has one, although—look at him—he must.

"I came to Hollywood to be in movies," Reeves told Parade recently. "I feel really grateful that I've had that opportunity, but I'm just a private person, and it's nice that can still exist."

He doesn't even publicize his charity work, but his causes include children's hospitals, fighting cancer, the arts and the environment. 

"I always find it surreal that complete strangers come up and ask me personal questions," he told Parade back in 2008. "I don't mind speaking about work, but when the talk turns to 'Who are you?' and 'What do you do off-screen?' I'm like, 'Get out of here.' I've been in situations where people have felt they had a relationship with me or something and I didn't even know who they were."

Not that Reeves is an anti-star. He lives in the hills above West Hollywood, spent plenty of time enjoying the local nightlife in his youth and has starred in countless quotable action movies—and gets paid handsomely for them, enough so that he can take off and do passion projects like his first (and only, to date) directorial effort, 2013's The Man of Tai Chi, or show up unheralded on a Swedish sitcom (Swedish Dicks, now on Pop) or in any indie film he so desires, like the recent Destination Wedding, an acerbic comedy that reteamed him with Bram Stoker's Dracula co-star Winona Ryder.

He's perfectly congenial yet usually looks somewhat serious, but not because he's taking himself seriously—more as if he wants to answer even the most lighthearted of questions with respectful gravity. But hey, as Stephen Colbert just found out, if you ask Reeves a potentially loaded question, prepare to get an answer.

Asked by Parade in 2008 if he believed in aliens, because he was playing the alien Klaatu in a remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still, he replied, "Some days I do. Some days I don't. There's so much unexplained and unexplainable phenomena that's presented to us. But beyond that, the cosmos is so vast. We can't be the only sentient entity. It might not look like us, but it's going to be out there."

His signature Keanu cadence used to be mistaken for a sign of vacuity, but Reeves attributed however he came off in interviews to his overall discomfort with talking about himself.

"I've never played stupid to keep someone distant," he told Vanity Fair in 1995. "I don't play stupid. Either it's been a failure on my part to articulate, or my naivete, or ingenuousness, or sometimes it's the nature of the form... And you know, I find myself more able to give an explanation of a project five years later than in the middle of it. It's so present-tense! I can tell you how I feel, but its context is harder to explain... Sometimes when I'm interviewed I'm not ready to do that. So you say...'excellent!' And you know what, man? It's OK."

It certainly was.

Ted Theodore Logan, Johnny Utah, Jack Travern, Neo, John Wick: all characters that had to be played by Reeves. He's done everything from Shakespeare to sports flicks to A Scanner Darkly, and soon you'll be hearing his voice as Duke Caboom, a motorcycle-riding stuntman with a wistful backstory, in Toy Story 4, which will probably sneak in to top The Matrix Reloaded, which made $742 million worldwide, as his single highest-grossing movie.

"So I made Duke a little more gravelly but still tried to give him energy and a big personality," Reeves shared with Entertainment Weekly in March. "I just thought that Duke should love what he does. He's the greatest stuntman in Canada! I wanted him to be constantly doing poses on the bike while he was talking, to have this great extroverted passion."

He turned down Speed 2 to play Hamlet onstage in Canada. He was one of the first big stars who memorably jammed on the side with his own band, Dogstar, in the '90s and now he co-owns a custom bike shop called ARCH Motorcycle in Hawthorne, Calif, because he loves motorcycles as much as you think he does.

"Riding can be a place to think and feel. It's a way to work things out," he recently told Parade, noting that inclement weather doesn't stop him. "I like riding in the rain. It's a little more sketchy." He rides mainly alone, but he and the ARCH crew cruise Pacific Coast Highway on Sunday mornings.

And if motorcycles provide one soul-soothing salve for Reeves, acting provides another.

"In acting, you're constantly discovering new feelings and thoughts and exposing yourself to them," he told Parade in 2008. "I guess it could be considered psycho-therapy. All I know is that, as an actor, I can tell you a story that you'll listen to. Maybe it won't just entertain you, it might also teach you something. I think film has the power to change your life if you want to let it.

Combine his real-life inscrutability with his is-it-genius-or-does-he-just-do-the-same-thing-every-time approach to acting, and he's become more myth than man—and that, too, is a huge part of his appeal. He's just so Keanu.

"I don't own a computer and I don't e-mail," he said in the 2008 

Parade

interview. "I'm fascinated by people who freak out when they don't get an instant response to an e-mail. It's like they expect as soon as they send an email to get the answer back and if they don't it's like awful. I just hope people won't totally lose the ability to write letters because it's a good way to communicate."

He preferred typewriters, Reeves said—and we can only hope he and Toy Story star Tom Hanks had a chance to talk about typewriters together.

"I only have good things to say about him," Swedish Dicks star Peter Stormare, who met Reeves doing Constantine in 2005, which led to the actor's role on his show, told GQ. "Once a year, we'll have a beer together and talk about life and things. He's very private. He leads his life the way he wants to lead it. And I guess it can be lonely sometimes. But I think he's just like me. There's a comfort in being alone sometimes, especially when you're working on something."

"We bonded over motorcycles, bass guitar, and Harold Pinter," Alex Winter, the Bill to his Ted, also told the magazine. "Reeves had a really good book collection."

Reeves was born in Beirut, to a Hawaiian father and English mother, but they divorced when he was about 2. Mom Patricia remarried in the US., but after that didn't work out she settled with a 7-year-old Keanu and his younger sister, Kim, who was born in Australia, in Toronto. Reeves reportedly hasn't spoken to his dad since he was 13. 

"We were latchkey kids," he told Esquire in 2017. "It was basically 'leave the house in the morning and come back at night'. It was cool." But, he told Parade, "Even for a runaway English girl, my mother gave us a proper upbringing. We learned manners, respect for our elders, formal table settings. I also learned a nonprejudicial, nonjudgmental acceptance of other people."

His favorite part of school was doing plays and studying Shakespeare in English class, so he dropped out at 17 to try his hand at acting.

"My attendance record was very bad. I was lazy," Reeves told Vanity Fair. "I knew I wanted to act when I was halfway through grade 11, I guess, and school wasn't important."

His first acting job came on the Canadian series Hangin' In in 1984. Then he moved to Los Angeles and made his big-screen debut in the Rob Lowe-starring drama Youngblood in 1986. Later that year he won his first major role in the gritty teen crime drama River's Edge, which went on to win Best Feature at the Independent Spirit Awards.

So it was off to the races for Reeves, who in the next five years made a wildly diverse array of movies, including the very-'80s comedy The Night Before, Dangerous Liaisons, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (and its sequel, Bogus Journey), Parenthood, Point Break and My Own Private Idaho.

He was very much living the fast Hollywood life, and it wasn't all charmed.

In 1993, River Phoenix died of an accidental drug overdose—another painful thing Reeves didn't want to talk about, but he spoke fondly of his friend and My Own Private Idaho co-star.

"I enjoyed his company. Very much," Reeves told Rolling Stone in 2000. "And enjoyed his mind and his spirit and his soul. We brought good out in each other. He was a real original thinker. He was not the status quo. In anything."

As for Phoenix's death, "It's something he thinks about all the time, something he never really talks about," a friend told People. "Friends know not to go there with him."

In 1994 his estranged father, Samuel, was sentenced to 10 years in prison for drug possession in Hawaii, but was released in two. "Jesus, man. No, the story with me and my dad's pretty heavy. It's full of pain and woe and fucking loss and all that s--t," he told RS around that time. In 1995, he told Vanity Fair, when asked why he didn't want to know more about his dad's case, "Why would I want to find out what I didn't know?" He called the situation "pretty incredible," and that was that.

Reeves has a massive scar on his abdomen from when he suffered a rupture spleen in a motorcycle crash while riding in L.A.'s Topanga Canyon in 1988. He went into a hairpin turn going about 50 mph.

"I call that a demon ride," he reflected to Rolling Stone. "That's when things are going badly. But there's other times when you go fast, or too fast, out of exhilaration...I remember saying in my head, 'I'm going to die.'"

"I remember calling out for help," he continued. "And someone answering out of the darkness, and then the flashing lights of an ambulance coming down. This was after a truck ran over my helmet. I took it off because I couldn't breathe, and a truck came down. I got out of the way, and it ran over my helmet."

Also while his star was on the rise, his sister Kim battled cancer for years starting in the late '80s. "He helped me through," she told Vanity Fair about her brother. "When the pain got bad, he used to hold my hand and keep the bad man from making me dance. He was there all the time, even when he was away."

Actor and Dogstar bandmate Roger Mailhouse told Rolling Stone about Reeves in 2000, "He's a really giving person. He'd give you his last shoe. Really smart, too. He's incredibly booksmart. He's a really interesting person who doesn't talk a lot of s--t."

Asked how his friend had changed over the past decade, i.e. the '90s, Mailhouse said, "I don't worry about him as much. I used to worry about him. Because I think of him as one of my best friends in the world, was he going to crash his motorcycle, or this or that. We did some wild things. I guess it's just growing up. I don't know—maybe it had something to do with River Phoenix, maybe. Losing someone close to him. But now I'm just proud of him. He's getting to do it the right way."

For years you'd be much more likely to see Kim or Patricia on Reeves' arm at a premiere or other big event—such as when he got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in 2005—than any girlfriend, and the actor hasn't been publicly involved with anyone for years.

Not that he hasn't been linked to a bevy of his co-stars, including Sandra Bullock and Charlize Theron, but if he's in a serious relationship, it's not with a celebrity.

On The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon in 2013 he was wearing what anyone would take for a wedding band on his left ring finger, but no revelations ever sprang from that accessory choice.

When Parade asked recently if he remained a bachelor, Reeves replied (squirming a bit, according to the magazine), "Well, I'm not married."

Through the interviews he's given over the years, a theme running through them is the visible discomfort he starts to evince when the conversation veers toward the too-personal. And some topics are just off-limits altogether.

Reeves started dating actress Jennifer Syme after meeting her at a party in 1998 and they were expecting a baby together—but the child, a girl they named Ava, was stillborn at 8 months. They laid her to rest in January 2000, according to People, and broke up weeks later.

Read

Sandra Bullock Almost Starred in The Matrix Instead of Keanu Reeves

They remained close up until Syme, who suffered from severe postpartum depression, died in 2001 when she crashed her Jeep Cherokee into several parked cars on a L.A. street and was thrown from the vehicle. In 2002, her mother, Maria St. John, sued Marilyn Manson, who had thrown a party that Syme attended that night, for wrongful death, alleging he had given Syme  the cocaine that an autopsy found in her system. 

"After Jennifer was sent home safely with a designated driver, she later got behind the wheel of her own car for reasons known only to her," Manson, who knew Syme through filmmaker David Lynch and had worked with her on Lost Highway, said in a statement.

The rocker continued, "This lawsuit, which is completely without merit, will not bring back Jennifer's life. It serves only to reopen the wounds and the pain felt by all who loved Jennifer. It is a pity that St. John sullies her own daughter's reputation by filing this baseless claim."

They reportedly reached a settlement out of court, but Manson maintained he had nothing to do with Syme taking drugs that night. 

Reeves has never spoken publicly about his relationship with Syme, which certainly fits right into how he was before, let alone since. But he grieved. And he eventually had something to say about that.

"I think, after loss, life requires an act of reclaiming," he told Parade in 2006. "You have to reject being overwhelmed. Life has to go on."

The actor continued, "Grief changes shape, but it never ends. People have a misconception that you can deal with it and say, 'It's gone, and I'm better.' They're wrong. When the people you love are gone, you're alone. I miss being a part of their lives and them being part of mine. I wonder what the present would be like if they were here—what we might have done together. I miss all the great things that will never be."

So he knew exactly what he was talking about when he told Colbert, "I know that the ones that love us will miss us."

Calling it "unfair" and "absurd," Reeves told

Parade

, "All you can do is hope that grief will be transformed and, instead of feeling pain and confusion, you will be together again in memory, that there will be solace and pleasure there, not just loss."

"Much of my appreciation of life has come through loss," he concluded. "Life is precious. It's worthwhile."

He said at the time that he would like to have a family, and reiterated the sentiment a couple years later, but Reeves told Esquire in 2017 with regards to "settling down": "I'm too… it's too late. It's over." Asked to clarify, he added, "I'm 52. I'm not going to have any kids."

Famous last words from a litany of 50-something men, and he was reminded of that. Reeves just said, "That's a whole other… But no. I'm glad to still be here."

"I'm every cliché," he continued. "F--king mortality. Ageing. I'm just starting to get better at it. Just the amount of stuff you have to do before you're dead. I'm all of the clichés, and it's embarrassing. It's all of them. It's just, 'Oh my God. OK. Where did the time go? How come things are changing? How much time do I have left? What didn't I do?' I'm trying to think of the line from the sonnet… 'And heavily from woe to woe tell o'er / The sad account of fore-bemoaned moan / Which I new pay as if not paid before.'"

"So, yeah," he added, reportedly with a smile. "I'm that guy."

In turn, Reeves can't help but come off as the solitary figure he so often plays in his films, from Constantine to The Matrix to John Wick. Heck, even Duke Caboom sounds a little melancholy.

At the same time, you're just as likely to see him in a romantic tear-jerker or a quirky comedy as a shoot-em-up. He's played heroes and hustlers, sweethearts and cruel villains, teachers and  slackers, doctors and lawyers.

"For me, it's just continuing to be able to work with great artists and tell stories that people enjoy," Reeves told Parade. "I was always hoping, even when I was young, that I could do different things," he says. "I'm really grateful for that. I'm

Though he had no idea John Wick would be such a hit, Reeves was in top form in the 2014 action extravaganza as a retired hit man who goes on a revenge spree after gangsters kill the beloved dog that was a gift from his late wife.

It made almost $89 million on a reported $20 million budget. Sequel time!

"You hope and you dream but the reality is even sweeter," he told E! News in 2017 about the first film's surprise success when he was promoting John Wick: Chapter 2. "It's great to be involved in a project that has so much affection."

Chapter 2 made $172 million worldwide.

Now back for John Wick: Chapter 3—Parabellum, Reeves has revealed that he started training heavily about three months before filming began to get back into dynamo shape, and he still goes whole-hog (or horse, in this movie's case) in the action sequences, right up until a car runs into him.

"I'll do some fight scenes and then John Wick will get hit by a car," Reeves explained to Colbert on The Late Show, "and that's Jackson Spidell, who's an amazing stuntman." Spidell has been Reeves' stunt double in all the John Wick movies. "He gets hit by the car, then I'll get up from the car, then I'll do a whole bunch more of, like, gun-fu and whatever, jujitsu, judo—and then, if I get thrown off something, Jackson does his thing."

Even more exciting for some fans, however, depending on whether you like your Keanu dark or more dude-like, is the news that he and Alex Winter are finally set to start shooting Bill & Ted Face the Music, the much-discussed follow-up to 1989's Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure and sequel Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, which came out in 1991. The years-in-the-making comedy is tentatively due out in 2020.

And so on his latest press tour, Keanu Reeves left his usual trail of breadcrumbs. They may not lead you straight to his door, but they'll definitely keep you on the path.

[ticklikeabomb]

The Language of Limbo - Part 8

Pairing : Chris Evans x Plus Size Reader ; Marvel Cast x Plus Size Reader

Warnings : Language ; mention of drinking problem ; mention of vomit 

Word Count : 2.4k

A/N : Hiii :) Sorry it took so long to post the next chapter, but I’m really busy with school. Change of plans : This chapter was supposed to be the Finale but changed my mind. The next chapter (9) will be the Finale. Hope you like it :) 

Everyone got back into their respective positions. Since you had only a scene left to film, the directors told you to step aside, because your scene was due after the one they were about to film between Chris, RDJ, Mark, Jeremy and Rebecca. You sat behind the cameras and were going through your phone, when Rebecca's bitter scoff reached your eardrums. 'What now?', you thought.

"You're killing my character?", she turned hysterically towards the Russo Brothers, who didn't seem phased by her outburst. "Yes, it was planned from the beginning. It's because -", replied Joe back but was cut off by her 'highness'. "That's not acceptable. I'm the real star of the movie here. My character is the main person of the whole plot, how can you just kill me off like that?!" You shook your head at her ridiculous attitude, not really surprised. She furiously walked to her phone and typed frantically. A minute later, Anthony Russo's phone rang. He took his brother's arm and stepped aside. "What the hell is wrong with you?", spat Chris (Evans) to Rebecca, annoyed at her lack of professionalism. Her only response towards him was her look full of hatred.

Five minutes later, the directors came back with clenched jaws, tension radiating of them. Kevin Feige who was immediately informed of the change of plans, stormed to the set and said with a firm voice, "Joe, Anthony and Y/N we need to talk!" Your eyes widened because you didn't know why the president of the Studios was calling out for you, since you haven't done anything compromising. You joined them, your heart pumping heavily in your thoracic cage and with sweaty palms. "You wanted to talk to me?", you said calmly. He didn't even look at you and directly turned to the directors, ignoring your existence. "New change of plans : Rebecca's character lives and you will kill off Y/N's !" You couldn't help yourself and gasped. You knew the Shield agent you were portraying wasn't a big part of the story and that you wouldn't get much attention for it but to the point off killing them, it sucked. "We got the news but with all due respect Kevin, we don't think that would be a good idea regarding the future of the franchise and what we visioned for the next movies."

"I understand but I'll guess you will have to come up with another storyline that would fit with what we planned for the future !", responded Feige firmly. The directors nodded not really in position to argue with their boss. "You may leave now, except you Y/N", he stated furthermore. You gulp harshly, fear creeping your whole body. "It has come to my attention that you have a severe drinking problem. I'm sure you know that the Studios can't afford the medias focusing on such juicy topics instead of the movie. For that matter, I'm sorry but I'm afraid that it would be for the best if you didn't attend the premiere." Your mouth stood agape, the words trying to come out but you physically couldn't. Tears welled up in your eyes and you didn't have the force to hide it from him this time. An apologetic expression crossed his features while you stood before him, head down and your silent tears streaming down your face. He patted your shoulder and exclaimed for the first time since he stormed out in the set and took you apart, in a more quiet voice, "I'm really sorry Y/N but business is business. I hope you understand that and can eventually forgive me." You only nodded (what could you have done otherwise), cleaned your face and walked away.

When you came back, you saw Mason and walked towards him. His smile vanished once seeing your blank and the remaining traces of the tears on your face. He cupped your cheeks and intensely tried to seek for your eyes. "What happened?", he whispered slowly. "Ehm nothing. I wanted to ask you if it was alright for you that we post-pone our date from tonight? I'm not really done shooting actually", you said. He saw your pained gaze and with a heavy heart nodded. "Yes of course, no problem. Do you want me to stay?" You shook your head 'no' and he nodded once more, noticing that it somehow was the wrong moment to push more into it. "Thanks", you mumbled and went back to the makeup trailer to get your face back on track. When you were done, you left the trailer and plastered a fake smile on your face, not letting Rebecca get the satisfaction of seeing you devastated. Deep down you knew it was because of her. You marched to the Russo brothers who gave you a knowing look and got in position to film the scene. What the other actors didn't know was that instead of Rebecca's character to die, it was yours. The directors took Mackie and Hemsworth discreetly to the side and explained them what they had to do. The two actors looked at each other confused since it wasn't planned and Joe said, "I know you're confused but just do as we told you."

The actors didn't question further and got ready to play the new part assigned by the Russos. In the scene, Hydra members managed to infiltrate Stark's reception and their mission was still the same : kill Rogers. During the crossfire, you faked being hit and collapsed on the ground. Mackie and Hemsworth were beside you the next second. "Y/C/N, stay with us ! The ambulance is on it's way", stated Wilson while trying to keep pressure on your wound. You cough out fake blood, your eyes tearing. It wasn't just Y/C/N death but somehow symbolically, yours too. "Stay with us Y/C/N. I'm begging you. Don't leave us", exclaimed Thor with a shaky voice. Your hands weakly reached both their cheeks before dropping down lifeless. You turned your face to the side, your last breath leaving your soul along a final tear. They bowed their heads down and the rest of the Avengers gathered around your lifeless body. "CUT !", yelled Joe. They analyzed the scene before applauding. "It was remarkable guys. Y/N it was breathtaking, thank you for that performance." The director's assistant gave you a blanket to clean out the fake blood. You felt the cast's piercing gaze shooting hols behind your back, confused at this change of the situation and you tried to shrug it off, not able to face their gazes.

You felt a hand press to your shoulder, thinking it was Scarlet or RDJ, you turned around with a fake smile but it quickly vanished when you saw that it was Elizabeth. "Are you ok?", she asked. "What do you care?!", was the only thing you told her, in such a calm voice that it made goosebumps crawl up her whole body. You finished cleaning up because the directors figured that the scenes had to be filmed multiple times. Three hours later, they declared that the shooting was done for the week and that they would see some of them for re-shoots. "For the others, thank you so much for your performances. It was a pleasure to work with you", they stated while furtively giving you an apologetic look. You weakly clapped your hands along the crew, drained out from the whole tearing up and filming. You were gathering your stuff when Hemsworth asked you if you wanted to join them for a drink. "Thank you for the invitation, but I'm really tired. I think I'm just gonna fall asleep the second I hit the bed", you chuckled. "Are you sure? It's tradition that after the end of shooting everyone gathers around for a final night before everyone goes back to their respective lives and projects." You nodded, "I know but I'm really sorry to have to pass on it. We'll see each other some other day, ok?" He didn't push further once seeing your tired eyes. "Alright no problem. See you at the movie premiere", he replied with a wide smile when leaving to join the others. At the mention of the premiere, you heart stopped beating and you just nodded. "Sure", you lied.

It was past 10 pm. The only thing you wanted was to beat the shit out of your frustration. You covered yourself in a large hoodie, a cap hiding your face and walked out to the nearest Cornerstore. You knew that you shouldn't but couldn't stop it. "One last time", you tried to excuse yourself. You grabbed the bottle of vodka, paid and marched back to the production's gym. First of all, you looked around if you were alone, not wanting to be disturbed by anyone and then turned on the lights. You took of the hoodies along shoes and began taking long sips from the bottle, the familiar sensation burning your throat. Then, without wrapping your hands, you started hitting on the punching bag with all your force. The small breaks you took wasn't to get your breath back but to drink more and more. At this far, your knuckles were bleeding but you didn't felt it, the alcohol being your antidote. Each time the bag came balancing your way, you hit harder and harder, letting all your anger go away. "Hey hey hey stop it !!", a loud voice echoed around the gym but you didn't. You kept punching, even if your hand was feeling numb you kept pushing. Strong and firm hands pushed you back violently, making you fall to the ground. You laid back on the ground, the lights burning your vision and started laughing hysterically. "Y/N, what the fuck are you doing?"

"The bottle", you mumbled. "NO !" You sat up and were looking for the bottle but before you could reach it, he had already taking it away. "Give me the bottle !", you said with a raspy voice. "No!" "Mason, I swear to god, give me my fucking bottle", you said through greeted teeth. "And I said no !", he replied with a low but dangerous intonation. You crawled to him, with a piercing gaze, not in control of your acts anymore. "Why are you like this with me? What do you want from me? Fuck me? Someone to pity?", you spat. His eyes widened but you didn't gave him a chance to reply, when you crashed your lips against his. He was starting to let go and kiss you back when he suddenly pushed you off him. "Y/N stop", he whispered with a shaky voice. It was like a wake-up call and you distanced yourself from him, heat creeping up your body. You realized that you just kissed him without his consent and felt ashamed. You hid your face in your hands and began sobbing loudly, ashamed of your act. He wrapped his arms around you in comfort. "I'm so sorry", you breathed out between your sobs. His hold tightened and he dropped a small kiss on your skull. "Y/N, look at me", he said. You shook you face, too embarrassed to face him. He lifted your chin, "Look at me." You eventually did as he said.

"I'm not rejecting you. Our first kiss shouldn't be like this. It should be full of passion after spending a marvelous night, where we would diner together and get to know each other even more. Where you will have full control of your acts. I really really like you Y/N and what just happened is not gonna change my feelings for you but you need to trust me. What happened for you to be in this state?" You let out a shaky breath out before telling him everything. He listened carefully and tried to remain calm because he knew it wasn't the moment to burst out. "I'm sorry Y/N. You don't deserve this and I promise when the day comes, the responsible will pay for their acts." His gaze fell on your hands and he sighed. "Come on let's get that cleaned up", he whispered and dropped once again a chaste kiss on your forehead before helping you getting up.

What neither of your knew was that the walls had eyes.

After 10 minutes of walking, Mason opened the door and let you in, carefully placing you on the couch. "Where are we? This is not my trailer." He chuckled at the small portion of lucidity left in you. "No, it my trailer. I figured that it would be a bad idea to cross the whole set. Someone could have crossed path with us and I don't want them to see my girl in this state", he rambled. "Your girl, hein?", you whispered with a grin plastered on your face and your eyes closed. You liked the sound of it. "Here stay with me. I'm gonna grab the first aid kit and clean this mess, ok?" You hummed in contentment. Before you had the chance to comprehend, your eyes widened and you reached the nearest sink to empty your stomach. Mason heard the commotion and came running to your position, lifting your hair out of the way. You tried to push him out, not wanting him to face the aftermaths of your drinking, but he wasn't having it. You rinsed your mouth with water and let out a heavy breath out. Mason let go of your hair and fumbled through his furniture. He came back 5 minutes after with a toothbrush and paste. He applied some of it and ordered you to open up. "I can do it myself", you told him. "No you can't", he said while clenching his jaw and pointing to your bloody knuckles. You let him clean your teeth, silent tears of embarrassment sliding down your face. When he was done he cleaned the tears away, his own eyes glossy to see you like that. He took you in his arms, his strong arms tighten around your form. For the first time in a long time, you felt save. After that he disinfected your knuckles before kissing them softly. "What did I do to deserve such a wonderful person in my life?", you asked him while caressing his cheek. "I'm sorry you had to witness this", you whispered. "We will get pass this, I promise. I'll have your back, always." You nodded and thanked him from the bottom of your heart. You fell asleep on his bed, his tall and build figure wrapped around your plumb and voluptuous one. 

* gifs not mine, credit to owner* 

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[maddgarbagemonkey]

DEAR EVAN HANSEN 2018 TOUR THINGS THAT MADE ME CRY

Yep. Back at it again with this nonsense. I saw this show back in November and needed to frantically rant about how much of a MASTERPIECE it is and how in love I am with every single tour cast member. Buckle-up dorks and get ready to read a novel. Its gonna get pretty out of order so yeah, and obviously, SPOILERS for Dear Evan Hansen ahead. :)

So it opens and a bunch of live feed from multiple social media accounts appear on the monitors and screens surrounding Evan's bed and they make little beeping noises whenever there's something new and it was super cool and immersive.

I took like 2000 pictures of Evan's red bed and all of them turned out blurry but I will cherish every single one of them.

The classic Evan rant about sweaty hands and ordering food will forever be my eternal monologue. Ben also said that line so fast I was amazed that he didn't lose his breath and suffocate!

"Ohhh... Good." B A B Y

Heidi (Jessica Phillips) is my M O M. I love her and Cynthia's harmonies were superb.

Ok fam. Real talk. Ben Levi Ross. Best human 2019. Superior to every other person on this planet and I am unafraid of saying so.

I think a lot of people, including me, went into the touring show thinking "That Ben Levi Ross is cute, but I don't see how he could possibly compare to Ben Platt" STOP! STOP THAT NOW! THAT'S NOT OKAY! Because I can swear to you that his performance was one of the greatest things I've ever witnessed in my entire life and I cried so so very hard whenever he opened his mouth.

Not only should actors NEVER be compared to one another (as they are all their own people with their own incredible talent) but Ben's singing and performing was BEYOND WORDS! You could tell immediately how much of himself he put into Evan and did not doubt for a second that he should be up there instead of anyone else. His singing was so powerful and moving that I physically began shaking and did not stop until I left the theater, which Ben himself even acknowledged but more on that later. He was so incredibly talented it was unreal and I just wanted to take a second and say that he deserved every single moment of applause and cheering times a million. I need a recording of him singing Waving right now. BEN LEVI ROSS, GUYS!!!1!!!

oof, anyways his "Waving Through a Window" killed me. I'm dead. Gorgeous boy. Beautiful.

The way everyone's harmonies mix together and hit you in that song are phenomenal.

Jared, played by Jared Goldsmith, had such a squeaky highschooler voice and the biggest, doofy-est smile which made his stupid comments so much better. I loved him a lot. 10/10. Classic Jared.

Also, I would die for Marrick Smith.

Marrick, A.K.A. Connor was so good at being a broken teenager it hurt! I loved him a lot.

It also opened my eyes because... how do I say this without sounding weird... BOI HE THICK!

Marrick was so tall and swol and gorgeous and sweet and I love him and that's my TedTalk. It also created such a strong physical contrast between Connor, who was tall and strong and scary who processed his emotions through anger outbursts, with Evan, who was skinny and small and shrunk into himself and processed his emotions through hiding or running away, in a way that Ben Platt and Mike Faist couldn't really do. It was different in a good way and I really liked it! :)

Y'all can take Stronk Connor and Skinny Twink Evan out of my cold, dead hands.

In the cast signing scene, Connor was overly friendly and smiley which made the point where it all slowly fades into anger at "You wrote this because you knew that I would find it" so much worse.

The little tug on Ev's arm followed by a subtle "Ow" before signing. <3

"I LoVE JaZZ!"

I love the way Evan sits in chairs by taking up as little space as possible! Its such a cool detail to demonstrate Evan's social anxiety and his need and want to not take up too much space.

I just need to take a second to squeal about Phoebe Koyabe, who played Alana, because she had gorgeous pink hair and I was just all around in love with her voice and her quirky little Alana characteristics.

Here's where things are a bit out of order and blurred because I wrote down my favorite things and then instantly lost the paper so... this is all from what I rewrote later on.

During that line where Alana retaliates to Evan accusing her of using the Connor project for her college application, she became completely hysterical and began crying. That "because I know how it feels to be forgotten" will always be my weak point.

"Connor was OBSESSED with trees!"

"We were partners for our Literature class while reading Huck Finn. He was so funny! He came up with this funny joke where he'd say, well, instead of Huck Finn.... nobody else in our class thought of that!"

OH MY GOD ZOE!

Zoe, played by Maggie Mckenna, was so incredible and loveable it was insane.

Her voice was so deep and melodic that just listening to her speak made you want to curl up with a blanket and just be comfortable. She was also so expressive and good at delivering her lines that you felt and understood exactly what she was going through whenever she spoke. I loved her so much and can relate with Evan's sentiments in "If I could tell her!"

"That's just what you do when you're rich and don't have a job, you get crazy!"

That entire scene before "If I could tell her" was so good! She was so snarky and sarcastic with every line and I fell way more in love with Zoe. I love when she's not played as the angel love interest and more of a real character with flaws and feelings and emotions and Maggie's portrayal really solidified that for me! I love this little Jazz band brat!

I also need a recording of Maggie's requiem, it was beautiful!

There was this heartbreaking moment in that song where Zoe looked at and read through Connor's emails and held them close, but at "That you were not the monster," she crumbled it up into a ball and let it fall to the ground, covering up all her sadness with anger and it hurt me.

That song just hurt a lot all around. Cynthia, Larry, Zoe. Just all of it, all of their God-tier harmonies. All.

You'd also be glad to know that Zoe's star-covered jeans were in full view the whole time along with the ones on her sneakers.

There was this adorable moment in the scene before "Only Us" where Evan freaks out because he thinks Zoe's gonna break up with him and he screams and promises he won't start breaking things and Zoe just has to stop him like "no, you tree-loving twink, I'm not breaking up with you!" And Evan just stands there for a second and then does this sweet thing where he awkwardly bends down and grabs her hands and shakes them with a little "thank you." Then Zo copies his little hand thing as responds "Don't mention it!" They're so cute together and lovable it hurts! Hopefully nothing bad happens between them...

During Disappear, Connor started jumping on Evan's bed during "And even if you've always been-" and it was glorious and Evan just regarded it as a normal occurrence.

They also did this thing where they ran on opposite sides of the stage and then rejoined in the middle where Connor helps Evan put on his backpack and then just puts his hands on his shoulders in a moment of bro trust and admiration and then yeets out of existence at "when you're falling in a forest."

BEN'S YOU WILL BE FOUND WILL LIVE ON IN INFAMY!

During the panic attack before the song began, starting when Evan dropped his notecards, you can feel it radiating off of him so vividly that everyone in the theater was holding their breath.

First when he fell to pick the cards up you could see the tears swell up and hear his breath quicken and feel the panic swell like "no no no, this can't happen. Not now. Don't do this!" And the second you think he might be able to pull it together and stand up, he slips and hits his elbow so hard on the floor, we all jump. He lets out the most heartbreaking yelp and clutches his arm, abandoning his cards and the speech and all hope of recovering. The tears finally start to fall down his face and they don't stop.

Still holding his arm, Evan pushes his body out of the spotlight and holds himself in the fetal position, refusing to look up and just all around shutting hinself away from everyone watching. AND YOU CAN FEEL IT! You can feel Evan's shame and horror and fear and anger and it's awful. You almost have to look away because the emotions being displayed are so real and raw. More real than any recording or bootleg out there. And that's why Ben Levi Ross was so incredibly perfect in my eyes, because he could so accurately depict and portray Evan and what he's going through to the point where you have to look away to avoid the risk of being pulled under with him and losing yourself to your own habits and its heartbreakingly brilliant! Again, Ben. Fucking. Levi. Ross.

During "You Will be Found" they also display all these younger and baby pictures of Marrick along with present day ones to show little Connor, which was adorable. But then Larry, played by Aaron Lazar, looks up and sees little baby Connor on the screen and instantly breaks down sobbing, the first time ever since Connor died as we hear Zoe say earlier that "he didn't even cry at Connor's funeral." Cynthia has to come over and hold him to prevent him from instantly falling apart.

Evan and Jared also have this awkward high five at that part and its very uncomfortable and great.

There's another just horrible moment in the middle of words fail where one by one the Murphys all run off stage horrified at the news that Evan was lying. First, it's Zoe with Cynthia following after, frantically trying to grasp what happened with tears falling everywhere. Then Larry, who looks disapprovingly at Evan before solemnly following the others. Then, lastly, in what could just be described as the worst thing ever, one of the screens become transparent to reveal CONNOR, looking in dismay at what has happened, tears in his eyes, before also walking away from Evan back into the nothingness. Awful. Beautifully, beautifully awful.

Evan snuggles into Heidi and stays there for what seems like forever during "So Big, So Small" then, he finally lets go and Heidi rides away on the couch, reaching for him.

Okay, fam. That was all the specific things I wanted to scream about during the actual show, but then I had the pleasure of meeting them at the stage door which led to some great hijinks!

I said something really stupid to Jessica Phillips/Heidi when she signed my playbill probably along the lines of like "You were so amazing I might faint. Please catch me" and she SQUEALED! It was the best sound on the planet.

When Marrick Smith/ Connor came out, I was frozen in shock because, not only was he shorter than I thought and his cool hair was tied in a man bun and he was wearing a cool beanie and some hair feel into his eyes like a Myspace profile picture, I was so amazed that he was real and was standing so close to me. I was so amazed that I stood there like an idiot just staring at him and shaking while he smiled at me, an awkward little baby, until my Mom had to physically nudge me towards him to which he responded by giggling and saying "Aw! Don't be scared! I don't bite!" I... I. How? How do I live after that. He signed by his picture and, get this, also doodled a little mustache on Aaron Lazar/ Larry's picture. I am also proud to say that I saw his slightly chipped black nail polish up close in true Connor fashion. Then he thanked me for coming and waved at me. He was SO incredibly sweet and I couldn't stop smiling after that.

When Phoebe Koyabe/Alana came out with her gorgeous pink hair I squealed and told her she was gorgeous to which she kindly smiled and complemented my dress and signed my Playbill. She was a goddess and I love her so much.

Right before Aaron Lazar came out, My Mom without thinking just called out "Daddy" to which my sister and I were horrified.

Lastly, Ben Levi Ross, wearing the best sweater ever, came out and signed my Playbill. At this point my legs were absolute jelly and I was shaking so bad I almost dropped everything, but he was so SO NICE and, as a response to seeing me dying upon seeing him, said "Oh no! Don't shake! You're okay! Everything's fine!" He was so unbelievably chill and sweet and upon my family showering him with all of the complements he deserved was so down to earth and appreciative. It was so incredible to get to meet him and tell him how amazing he was!

In conclusion, I knew Dear Evan Hansen was incredible and loved it before, but actually seeing it made me feel so many feelings that I didn't know existed. Its such a genius musical and I 1000% recommend! There was not a weak link in the cast! They were all so sweet and talented and just absolutely PHENOMENAL! I would die for all of them! :)

[chalamalabingbong]

Timothée Chalamet, Steve Carell, and Director Felix van Groeningen Discuss Addiction and Fatherhood

In ‘Beautiful Boy,’ the trio brings to life the true story of a father coping with his son’s addiction—and reckoning with the limits of paternal love

By Thomas GebremedhinOct. 3, 2018 10:17 a.m. ET

ON A QUIET stretch of beach in Northern California, a father takes his son surfing. Bodies flat against their boards, they paddle away from shore. As the waves grow bigger the boy, forging ahead on his own, disappears behind a curtain of water. Then, just as the father begins to panic, the boy emerges, triumphant, riding a wave back to him.

The scene, which arrives early in Belgian director Felix van Groeningen’s English-language debut, Beautiful Boy—co-written with Luke Davies—casts a long shadow over the rest of the film. Adapted from a pair of best-selling memoirs by a father and son, David and Nic Sheff, the story recounts the painful transformation of one family grappling with drug addiction. David, a well-meaning journalist played by Steve Carell, has always been close to his son Nic (Timothée Chalamet), but as Nic begins experimenting with drugs, eventually spiraling into a full-blown addiction to crystal meth, David is forced to question just how well he knows his boy, where he went wrong and how he can get him back.

Beautiful Boy—produced by Plan B Entertainment (Moonlight, 12 Years a Slave) and shot over 40 days in Los Angeles and San Francisco—has a nonlinear structure, with devastating episodes that reveal the extent of Nic’s dependency (“It takes the world from black-and-white to Technicolor , ” he says of crystal meth) played against sweeter moments between father and son. The film comes as drug addiction remains a national pandemic, but while it poignantly humanizes a difficult issue, it’s not on a mission. Its appeal lies in more universal preoccupations: what it means to be a family, the conflicting impulses in any parent to both protect their children and set them free, and the search for wholeness and identity.

Last month, van Groeningen, Carell and Chalamet reunited for the film’s premiere at the Toronto International Film Festival and for their first group interview about the project. The mood in the room was playful and tender as everyone greeted each other with hugs. While they sat for their portraits, fiery R&B tracks floated down from a sound system; at times, struggling to sustain serious, camera-ready expressions, the trio burst into fits of laughter. Were there similar moments of levity on the set of Beautiful Boy, despite the grave subject matter?

“Oh, sure,” Carell says. “We wanted to honor the material, but we actually had a lot of fun, too. Because that’s part of life. Even within the darkest moments.”

Thomas Gebremedhin: This is a heartbreaking movie. How do you prepare for something like this?

Felix van Groeningen: I’ve touched on the subject [drugs] in my other films, but in a very different way. So I went to Al-Anon and AA meetings. I visited rehab centers. But, obviously, David and Nic were the biggest source of information for me. Getting the details felt important, and so my bibles were the memoirs.

Steve Carell: Being a father really gave context to my approach. Specifically, my love for my own children gave context to how I was approaching this guy, which isn’t too far from how I would imagine trying to navigate this experience if it was something that fell into my life. A week before we started shooting, my son, who was 11 or 12 at the time, out of the blue asked whether marijuana is a gateway drug. This was on the way home from school; it’s clearly something that they’d been discussing. We’d had vague conversations about the dangers of drugs, but not a more adult conversation about it. It’s terrifying on even such a simple level having that discussion. I didn’t want to make a wrong turn. I assume David went through many of the same things, wanting to do everything right but realizing there is no right or wrong path.

Timothée Chalamet: For me, the first thing to pull from is the experience of being a son, a son in a family, and having a great relationship with my father. There is a recognizable physical context to that. From a hundred feet away you can tell by the way people hug whether they’re family.

TG: I want to touch on that father-son dynamic. The chemistry between you two is so apparent in the film. How do you create that connection off-camera?

SC: I don’t think you do. I don’t think it’s something you consciously generate. I don’t want to speak for Timmy, but we immediately liked each other. We immediately felt a connection. I never felt there was an acting exercise that we were using to try to feel more connected. In Timothée I saw an incredible, soulful, generous person. I liked him enormously from day one. And since I’m exactly the same kind of person, I expected him to feel the same about me. [Laughter] But it was very natural.

TC: I feel so immensely filled with gratitude that I have Steve and Felix and other people that I’ve been able to work with at a young age that have been, I don’t want to say paternal towards me, but it’s a form of that, and I…. [Felix gets up to pour himself water] As he’s leaving!

SC: [Laughing] Felix doesn’t feel the same way.

FVG: I was so happy we took two weeks to rehearse. I always do it. It gave us time to know each other. I was very nervous in the beginning, and it gave me time to calm down and to be myself. English isn’t my first language and, I mean, I’m working with movie stars! I needed that time. But as Steve said, it wasn’t like we were artificially getting there.

TC: I was very soothed by Steve’s warmth and kindness—

SC: Keep going.

TC: But really, I was and am a huge admirer of Steve’s work, and I knew this was going to be a bridge for me to cross. It was good for me to realize upfront, OK, that’s going to be a hurdle, especially [since we’re playing] father and son. I needed to get it out of my head.

TG: What were the most challenging scenes for you to film?

TC: I found the sequences on the phone challenging. It’s the nature of the movie that those phone calls are emotional climaxes. And generally, as an exercise, phone calls are challenging as an actor because you don’t typically have the other person there with you. So I was very grateful that each time there was something on the phone, whether it was Andre Royo [who plays Nic’s AA sponsor, Spencer] or Steve, we were always there for each other.

SC: For me, it was when the character of David makes choices that would be difficult for me, or any father, to make. There’s a sticking point in your subconscious, maybe, about how you would handle a situation. By his own admission, David makes tough choices, and sometimes as an actor, or just a human being, you evaluate what those choices are. Sometimes they conflicted with what I imagined I would do, but ultimately I realized it’s probably what I would do. Making that shift was interesting to me.

TG: Right, there are several forks in the road for both David and Nic throughout the movie, but the scene that felt critical to me is when David has to establish some kind of boundary with Nic.

SC: It was a terrifying scene. A moment any parent would dread. It’s hard to even imagine getting to that point, where you have to make that kind of choice while still desperately loving your child. The whole thing is terrifying and tragic and common. That’s the other thing—every day while we were shooting this, if any of us mentioned to other people what we were working on, the stories and personal connections were a bit overwhelming.

TG: Well, last year was the deadliest on record for overdoses.

TC: Yeah, more than car crashes.

TG: This isn’t a preachy film, but how do you hope it will play a part in that discussion?

FVG: I think it’s about giving people a face and a voice. I hope this film gives insight into how complex [addiction] is. A lot of movies touch upon it from just one side. But there’s something unique about [Beautiful Boy]. It’s two points of view of the same story.

TG: When you went back home to your families after a day on set, were you able to leave work at work?

TC: Certainly in any film, whether it’s your relationship to the characters or people or the context of environments, it naturally blends with your experience. It would be dramatic to say that there was no escaping it, and yet we were in it—we shot for 40 days or something, and I just kept thinking, Keep moving, keep going.

SC: This one was hard to leave on set. Every night I came home and hugged my kids a little tighter. My wife and I would talk every night about what we shot that day and how it felt and just the vibe. It didn’t feel like a job. We had to be invested in this because, beyond the fact that it’s a harrowing and relevant story, it’s true. These are real people. I definitely brought it home.

TG: On a lighter topic, there’s the film’s soundtrack: Nirvana, Neil Young, Fiddler on the Roof. It’s all over the place. Felix, how does music inform the story? And Steve and Timothée, as actors, how did you use music to creatively build out these roles?

FVG: The idea came from the books. Music was so important to David and Nic. There’s something beautiful about how it unites them. David mentions in his book a lot of songs that he can’t listen to anymore. So we put some of those songs in the movie. At some point my editor [Nico Leunen] and I wanted to use a classic film score together with songs, but then [Leunen] came up with the idea to drop the score and just use the songs. It made us take a risk.

SC: It’s a language that David and Nic used to speak to each other. As the addiction sets in, their relationship becomes frayed and that language does as well. Music is David’s bread and butter; these are the people he interviews. And he incorporates his son into that world at an early age—it’s both of their worlds.

‘ This one was hard to leave on set. Every night I came home and hugged my kids a little tighter. ’

TC: Yeah, music was a big part to Nic’s character. I remember we were shooting on the campus of USC, and we got into trouble because my portable speaker was playing “Heart-Shaped Box” too loudly. For Nic it was Nirvana; I was listening to Eminem when I was 5 or 6 years old, and it did feel important. It’s an effect of growing up in America, or the world, in a digital, consumerist age, that you’re communicated these messages of self-destruction and alienation.

TG: Timothée, you’ve played coming-of-age roles before, most notably as Elio in Call Me By Your Name. Elio is different from Nic, but they’re also both struggling with their identity. Did you take anything from that role and put it into this one?

TC: That’s a really good question. If there’s a through line it’s the immediacy and the urgency, the moment-to-moment visceral nature of what it is to be young. For Elio that’s a life circumstance that all of us should be so fortunate to go through, to fall in love, but also he’s coming to terms with his sexuality. For Nic, it’s facing this goliath of an obstacle, not only addiction but to one of the most powerful substances known to man.

TG: Did David and Nic give you all any advice?

SC: I didn’t meet Nic until we were shooting, but I met with David. He couldn’t have been more gracious. I think [he’s] very brave to even allow this movie to be made. There’s an incredible trust that he put into Felix and everyone involved that we’d get it at least marginally right. But he took a very hands-off approach with me.

TC: I went out with Nic and [his sister] Daisy to eat, and it was just as Steve said, the greatest gift I got from Nic was the confidence to be Nic. I felt an understanding. I think they understood our biggest goal and mission was to get their story right.

Felix van Groeningen PHOTO: MARK PECKMEZIAN FOR WSJ. MAGAZINE; STYLING BY EMMA WYMAN

FVG: But just in the authenticity and in the heart of it—we didn’t have an obligation to it. It’s not a biopic in that sense, and that’s an advantage, I guess.

TG: Steve, you’re also playing Donald Rumsfeld in Backseat and Mark Hogancamp in Marwen—what’s different about playing a real, living person as opposed to a fictional character?

SC: A fictional character leaves much more to the imagination in terms of the performance and development and backstory. One is complete invention, and the other is completely tethered to the real world. It’s not easier or harder to portray either. I’m really excited that David and Nic [are attending the premiere]. From time to time I would talk to David and ask, “How surreal does this feel to you?” There was one day we were doing a scene on the beach, and David and [his wife] Karen [Barbour] came to visit. It was a simple scene, nothing overly dramatic, but David was elated. He was so full of emotion. I could tell that it really hit him.

TG: What do you ultimately hope this movie communicates? What do you think the lasting impression will be?

FVG: It’s a harrowing story, but it’s a beautiful family. To see all of this happen in a family where there’s so much love and understanding makes it even more harrowing, maybe, but it’s a family that believes in unconditional love, and they use that as a way out.

TG: That’s a great note to end on. I do have one last question though, unrelated to the movie. Timothée, have you seen the Instagram account @chalametinart?

TC: Yes! [Laughs]

FVG: What is that?

TG: It’s an Instagram account where they photoshop Timothée into classic paintings.

FVG: Oh, yeah! Wasn’t there an account about just his hair, too?

SC: [Looking at @chalametinart on a phone] Oh, it’s beautiful. [To Timothée] Well, you have your selection of Christmas cards now. •

[tchalametdaily]

In ‘Beautiful Boy,’ the trio brings to life the true story of a father coping with his son’s addiction—and reckoning with the limits of paternal love.

(Full article under the cut)

The scene, which arrives early in Belgian director Felix van Groeningen’s English-language debut, Beautiful Boy—co-written with Luke Davies—casts a long shadow over the rest of the film. Adapted from a pair of best-selling memoirs by a father and son, David and Nic Sheff, the story recounts the painful transformation of one family grappling with drug addiction. David, a well-meaning journalist played by Steve Carell, has always been close to his son Nic (Timothée Chalamet), but as Nic begins experimenting with drugs, eventually spiraling into a full-blown addiction to crystal meth, David is forced to question just how well he knows his boy, where he went wrong and how he can get him back.

Beautiful Boy—produced by Plan B Entertainment (Moonlight, 12 Years a Slave) and shot over 40 days in Los Angeles and San Francisco—has a nonlinear structure, with devastating episodes that reveal the extent of Nic’s dependency (“It takes the world from black-and-white to Technicolor , ” he says of crystal meth) played against sweeter moments between father and son. The film comes as drug addiction remains a national pandemic, but while it poignantly humanizes a difficult issue, it’s not on a mission. Its appeal lies in more universal preoccupations: what it means to be a family, the conflicting impulses in any parent to both protect their children and set them free, and the search for wholeness and identity.

Last month, van Groeningen, Carell and Chalamet reunited for the film’s premiere at the Toronto International Film Festival and for their first group interview about the project. The mood in the room was playful and tender as everyone greeted each other with hugs. While they sat for their portraits, fiery R&B tracks floated down from a sound system; at times, struggling to sustain serious, camera-ready expressions, the trio burst into fits of laughter. Were there similar moments of levity on the set of Beautiful Boy, despite the grave subject matter?

“Oh, sure,” Carell says. “We wanted to honor the material, but we actually had a lot of fun, too. Because that’s part of life. Even within the darkest moments.”

Thomas Gebremedhin: This is a heartbreaking movie. How do you prepare for something like this?

Felix van Groeningen: I’ve touched on the subject [drugs] in my other films, but in a very different way. So I went to Al-Anon and AA meetings. I visited rehab centers. But, obviously, David and Nic were the biggest source of information for me. Getting the details felt important, and so my bibles were the memoirs.

Steve Carell: Being a father really gave context to my approach. Specifically, my love for my own children gave context to how I was approaching this guy, which isn’t too far from how I would imagine trying to navigate this experience if it was something that fell into my life. A week before we started shooting, my son, who was 11 or 12 at the time, out of the blue asked whether marijuana is a gateway drug. This was on the way home from school; it’s clearly something that they’d been discussing. We’d had vague conversations about the dangers of drugs, but not a more adult conversation about it. It’s terrifying on even such a simple level having that discussion. I didn’t want to make a wrong turn. I assume David went through many of the same things, wanting to do everything right but realizing there is no right or wrong path.

Timothée Chalamet: For me, the first thing to pull from is the experience of being a son, a son in a family, and having a great relationship with my father. There is a recognizable physical context to that. From a hundred feet away you can tell by the way people hug whether they’re family.

TG: I want to touch on that father-son dynamic. The chemistry between you two is so apparent in the film. How do you create that connection off-camera?

SC: I don’t think you do. I don’t think it’s something you consciously generate. I don’t want to speak for Timmy, but we immediately liked each other. We immediately felt a connection. I never felt there was an acting exercise that we were using to try to feel more connected. In Timothée I saw an incredible, soulful, generous person. I liked him enormously from day one. And since I’m exactly the same kind of person, I expected him to feel the same about me. [Laughter] But it was very natural.

TC: I feel so immensely filled with gratitude that I have Steve and Felix and other people that I’ve been able to work with at a young age that have been, I don’t want to say paternal towards me, but it’s a form of that, and I…. [Felix gets up to pour himself water] As he’s leaving!

SC: [Laughing] Felix doesn’t feel the same way.

FVG: I was so happy we took two weeks to rehearse. I always do it. It gave us time to know each other. I was very nervous in the beginning, and it gave me time to calm down and to be myself. English isn’t my first language and, I mean, I’m working with movie stars! I needed that time. But as Steve said, it wasn’t like we were artificially getting there.

TC: I was very soothed by Steve’s warmth and kindness—

SC: Keep going.

TC: But really, I was and am a huge admirer of Steve’s work, and I knew this was going to be a bridge for me to cross. It was good for me to realize upfront, OK, that’s going to be a hurdle, especially [since we’re playing] father and son. I needed to get it out of my head.

TG: What were the most challenging scenes for you to film?

TC: I found the sequences on the phone challenging. It’s the nature of the movie that those phone calls are emotional climaxes. And generally, as an exercise, phone calls are challenging as an actor because you don’t typically have the other person there with you. So I was very grateful that each time there was something on the phone, whether it was Andre Royo [who plays Nic’s AA sponsor, Spencer] or Steve, we were always there for each other.

SC: For me, it was when the character of David makes choices that would be difficult for me, or any father, to make. There’s a sticking point in your subconscious, maybe, about how you would handle a situation. By his own admission, David makes tough choices, and sometimes as an actor, or just a human being, you evaluate what those choices are. Sometimes they conflicted with what I imagined I would do, but ultimately I realized it’s probably what I would do. Making that shift was interesting to me.

TG: Right, there are several forks in the road for both David and Nic throughout the movie, but the scene that felt critical to me is when David has to establish some kind of boundary with Nic.

SC: It was a terrifying scene. A moment any parent would dread. It’s hard to even imagine getting to that point, where you have to make that kind of choice while still desperately loving your child. The whole thing is terrifying and tragic and common. That’s the other thing—every day while we were shooting this, if any of us mentioned to other people what we were working on, the stories and personal connections were a bit overwhelming.

TG: Well, last year was the deadliest on record for overdoses.

TC: Yeah, more than car crashes.

TG: This isn’t a preachy film, but how do you hope it will play a part in that discussion?

FVG: I think it’s about giving people a face and a voice. I hope this film gives insight into how complex [addiction] is. A lot of movies touch upon it from just one side. But there’s something unique about [Beautiful Boy]. It’s two points of view of the same story.

TG: When you went back home to your families after a day on set, were you able to leave work at work?

TC: Certainly in any film, whether it’s your relationship to the characters or people or the context of environments, it naturally blends with your experience. It would be dramatic to say that there was no escaping it, and yet we were in it—we shot for 40 days or something, and I just kept thinking, Keep moving, keep going.

SC: This one was hard to leave on set. Every night I came home and hugged my kids a little tighter. My wife and I would talk every night about what we shot that day and how it felt and just the vibe. It didn’t feel like a job. We had to be invested in this because, beyond the fact that it’s a harrowing and relevant story, it’s true. These are real people. I definitely brought it home.

TG: On a lighter topic, there’s the film’s soundtrack: Nirvana, Neil Young, Fiddler on the Roof. It’s all over the place. Felix, how does music inform the story? And Steve and Timothée, as actors, how did you use music to creatively build out these roles?

FVG: The idea came from the books. Music was so important to David and Nic. There’s something beautiful about how it unites them. David mentions in his book a lot of songs that he can’t listen to anymore. So we put some of those songs in the movie. At some point my editor [Nico Leunen] and I wanted to use a classic film score together with songs, but then [Leunen] came up with the idea to drop the score and just use the songs. It made us take a risk.

SC: It’s a language that David and Nic used to speak to each other. As the addiction sets in, their relationship becomes frayed and that language does as well. Music is David’s bread and butter; these are the people he interviews. And he incorporates his son into that world at an early age—it’s both of their worlds.

TC: Yeah, music was a big part to Nic’s character. I remember we were shooting on the campus of USC, and we got into trouble because my portable speaker was playing “Heart-Shaped Box” too loudly. For Nic it was Nirvana; I was listening to Eminem when I was 5 or 6 years old, and it did feel important. It’s an effect of growing up in America, or the world, in a digital, consumerist age, that you’re communicated these messages of self-destruction and alienation.

TG: Timothée, you’ve played coming-of-age roles before, most notably as Elio in Call Me By Your Name. Elio is different from Nic, but they’re also both struggling with their identity. Did you take anything from that role and put it into this one?

TC: That’s a really good question. If there’s a through line it’s the immediacy and the urgency, the moment-to-moment visceral nature of what it is to be young. For Elio that’s a life circumstance that all of us should be so fortunate to go through, to fall in love, but also he’s coming to terms with his sexuality. For Nic, it’s facing this goliath of an obstacle, not only addiction but to one of the most powerful substances known to man.

TG: Did David and Nic give you all any advice?

SC: I didn’t meet Nic until we were shooting, but I met with David. He couldn’t have been more gracious. I think [he’s] very brave to even allow this movie to be made. There’s an incredible trust that he put into Felix and everyone involved that we’d get it at least marginally right. But he took a very hands-off approach with me.

TC: I went out with Nic and [his sister] Daisy to eat, and it was just as Steve said, the greatest gift I got from Nic was the confidence to be Nic. I felt an understanding. I think they understood our biggest goal and mission was to get their story right.

FVG: But just in the authenticity and in the heart of it—we didn’t have an obligation to it. It’s not a biopic in that sense, and that’s an advantage, I guess.

TG: Steve, you’re also playing Donald Rumsfeld in Backseat and Mark Hogancamp in Marwen—what’s different about playing a real, living person as opposed to a fictional character?

SC: A fictional character leaves much more to the imagination in terms of the performance and development and backstory. One is complete invention, and the other is completely tethered to the real world. It’s not easier or harder to portray either. I’m really excited that David and Nic [are attending the premiere]. From time to time I would talk to David and ask, “How surreal does this feel to you?” There was one day we were doing a scene on the beach, and David and [his wife] Karen [Barbour] came to visit. It was a simple scene, nothing overly dramatic, but David was elated. He was so full of emotion. I could tell that it really hit him.

TG: What do you ultimately hope this movie communicates? What do you think the lasting impression will be?

FVG: It’s a harrowing story, but it’s a beautiful family. To see all of this happen in a family where there’s so much love and understanding makes it even more harrowing, maybe, but it’s a family that believes in unconditional love, and they use that as a way out.

TG: That’s a great note to end on. I do have one last question though, unrelated to the movie. Timothée, have you seen the Instagram account @chalametinart?

TC: Yes! [Laughs]

FVG: What is that?

TG: It’s an Instagram account where they photoshop Timothée into classic paintings.

FVG: Oh, yeah! Wasn’t there an account about just his hair, too?

SC: [Looking at @chalametinart on a phone] Oh, it’s beautiful. [To Timothée] Well, you have your selection of Christmas cards now.

[zebraslovescupcakestoo]

Boy crush

My name is Felix Lockheart. I'm just an average guy with a first year, high school teenage lifestyle. I'm a bit of a bookworm and play soccer by myself on my week days. I am also a self reserve, a bit of a shy person and....

I got a boy crush...

I have... an explainable crush for over two months.

I hate to admit it but....

I know that this is 201X and that people are more open minded with their 'gender relations' to be polite, but to some like myself, it's not that easy...

I got a heart rush...ain't slowin' down.

The boy I've had a 'crush' on... I don't believed he knew me yet. Let alone my existence.

His name... Oswald 'Walt' Disney. He's the most interesting person I've seen since the entrance ceremony. All it took was just once glance and... It just happened.

I got it real bad, want everything he has.

Since then, I've been watching him from afar like a spectator watching the actor. I watched carefully to everything he's doing. He's one of the most attractive students in the whole school for one thing. He's the top martial art member of the karate club along having some pretty good grades. He's also part of that famous Disney family that made cartoons and TV shows, along with his even more famous younger brother, Mickey Disney.

But in my opinion, I still think he's cooler... and more interesting than his family's background.

That smile and that midnight laugh, he's giving them now.

Despite being under his family's shadow, some people still see him as his own person... I glanced often at him behind my library books that I used to cover my face during class breaks. I see him interact and blend in with the other classmates, both guys and girls...

I want to taste his lips, yeah cause they taste like you...

I watched him talk, laugh, and I also try really hard to hear what they were saying. They all talked mostly the regular stuff like what are they doing on weekends, who's at the top charts this week and who's dating who and got dumped...

There were times after school, he had to meet someone that placed a confession letter in his locker or desk...

I was anxious whenever that happened and I had that tied feeling inside my chest.

I wanna drown myself in a bottle of his cologne.

I've witnessed it after school from behind the buildings, the empty classrooms, and sometimes even next to the separate changing rooms. They were girls from first and second years, each had different personalty and quirks, all confessed to him and they asked “I really like you! Please go out with me, even just once!” This time it was a light brunette girl with buns tied with ribbons. She was those stereotypical cute girls that no guy would turn down.

During those confessions, my heart really started to burst through my chest and I was worried of what he was going to say. “I'm sorry, but there's someone I wanted to ask first before I do.” He told her just like he said to the others.

I quickly averted myself to look like I was just passing by or I'm reviewing one of the subjects we had that day. Oswald passed by me very closely and I could help but admire again his features.

I want his long, dark hair...

He had black hair with a twin pony tails in one that looked like rabbit ears. He had those mysterious deep ocean blue eyes, those pale and smooth skin tone and he had that samurai looks that gave a serious, deep thought vibes... He's also the same height as me cause he glace straight in my eyes as he caught me looking....

OH SNAP! HE'S LOOKING AT ME!

I immediately buried my blushing face in the history book I was holding and pray to God that he did not noticed me staring him. He would think of me like I was a creepy stalker. Few seconds later, that girl came around and faced him. “Fine! But I'll wait for you a bit and trust me, I am much better that whoever she is and cuter!” She declared with confidence. I admire those kinds of people who were determined as she was... I can barely have a normal conversation with just one person without over thinking of what to say.

“What makes you think you're better than that person if you never actually met them once?” He responded to her and that upset her a bit. She didn't wanted to draw the school's attention to her rejection as he walked away until he was out of our sight.

She then glanced at me angrily and dropped her cute act. “Hey you! Bookworm!” I jumped a bit. “H-huh? Yes, wh-what is it?!” Oh snap! Did she noticed me spying or staring at him?! “You wouldn't know anyone who would hang out with the karate prince, would ya?” I lowered my history book and I was about to say 'I don't know' until she cut me off. “Never mind. I doubt it could have been any of the girls that did confessed. At least more than half of the girl's population in this prison got rejected by him and they all have that same answer. I doubt someone like you would understand that... Nerd.” She whispered that as she turned to the opposite direction...

I immediately speed walked to the nearest restroom to take a breather from what happened... As soon as I found one that for single use, I entered it and locked it. Then I took a deep breath and exhaled... “I'm not creepy... I'm just different...”

She didn't have to reminded me that. I've been used to it by now. I know that I'm not one of those 'in crowd' hipster kids and that I'm a little different, but that doesn't mean it's bad! Except... I have a bad crush on a boy...

See, I'm a guy and he's a guy... I still don't know if he's interested of, you now, dating... and stuff. Until recently he is waiting for a confession from someone or waiting to be approved by someone... I had to swallow that pill hard. If one truly cared for that person, he or she wanted to give happiness for them, including of letting go.

As soon as I know who it is, maybe this feeling will go away and I can live my school life in peace... and hope for happiness.

I want his gentle touch...

The next day, we had a two person, team up assignment for a science presentation of our choice. It was the teacher's choice to pair us up by the names that were drawn in the hat... and low and behold...

I got 'lucky' to be paired with Oswald... I nearly fell off my chair. Fortunately, nobody caught that.

While almost all the girls were disappointed, they were still glad that it wasn't one of their female rivals who got picked. If only they knew...

He came over to my seat and asked. “Are you free this afternoon?” This was the first 'actual' question he asked me since the entrance ceremony. I just nodded and he said. “Do you want to go to the school's library then? We might find something there that could give us and idea of what to do.”

I nodded twice and then he smiled softly. He's so... nicer than I thought. I then started to fell more in love... is it love? No... it's just a crush! He did have someone he's waiting for, right?

“Are you feeling well? You look red in the face.” His expression had turned sad. My face is red?! Oh no! “No no! I'm just... a bit hot! I just needed to take some cool fresh air and I'm good. I'll met you there after class.” I tried to came up an excuse for it. He looked at me for a few seconds until he said. “Ah... OK. I'll meet you there.” He then regain that wonderful smile and returned to his seat before class starts. I hope he didn't noticed that was a lie or that he thinks what it really was.

Yeah, cause maybe then, you'd want me just as much...

Apart that there were a few other students scattered in the library that day, there were just the two of us at one table that can fit for four to eight people. He told me first that he needed to finish a few math problems before we get started on what we should do on our science project. I simple said ok and decided to take out one of my own books I've owned.

It was a quiet yet a peaceful treasured moment for me. Just me and him together. I was happy.

I then noticed he made a mistake on one of the equations. “Oh, wait! That's the wrong equation for that problem.” I said to him without raising my indoor voice. This is a school Library. “Hm.” Was his response. “Do you know what should be the correct formula?” He look at me directly in the eyes. “You seem like you have a pretty good grades. You were one of the top in our class last time I've seen the results posted on the classroom's board.” He then answered that detailed. I then started to blush a bit and that feeling had returned.

I got a boy crush...

He complimented me for the first time. I never got noticed like that. Usually people just see who's first or who's last, they don't care much on who's in the middle part. “You... noticed that?” He smiled gently at me. “Of course, you were just above me on the last exams. Now tell me what I did wrong.” I snapped back in reality and immediately looked down at the mistaken equation. I explained on what was the correct way of finding the length of the Pythagorean theorem of a triangle. Just as he said, “Ah, I see.” His right hand partially, gently brushed off mines.

There was a sudden electric rush in my spine, my eyes widen a bit and I blushed a bit deeper. 'He touched my hand...' It may be for a second, but it felt... nice. I then realized that we're still in a 'public' library. I immediately buried my face in my book. Why am I acting this way? He's a guy, but a cool and attractive guy. We're so different and yet why... why... am I so.... getting dizzy of thinking about it..?

I got a boy crush...

“Enough.” He said as he closed off his text book. Huh? I looked at him and he was looking straight at me with a frowning face. “Pack your books, we're changing location.” What? What did I... I then realized he was glaring at me to hurry up. That made me scare. Thankfully I only took out one book. “Wh-where are we going instead?” I asked as I stood up. “Somewhere much better than here. Follow me. You don't have anyone waiting back at your place?” He asked for my family as we leave. This is a bit odd of him to say that, but still. “Not really, I just text to my father and sister almost every day to let them know how I'm doing and all.”

His expression soften a bit. “...So you're alone on most nights too.” Huh? My expression was confused as he said that. “Nothing. Just text them you'll be at a friend's place for tonight and that you'll be a bit late.”

Wait. What did he just said?

I don't get no sleep...

He's not lying once we've arrived at his place. It was one of those fancy new apartments with those special security buzz call and all that stuff. I should have known better since he's one of the Disney family. My heart was beating faster and harder. I'm feeling really anxious. I'm visiting his 'personal space.' Yet I'm a bit curious of why he's on his own like this. Did something happened between them that I didn't know?

As soon as we entered his complex, it was like one of those classy black themed apartment that you might see in those magazines. “Come sit down on the couch, I'll make some tea.”

“Mm-hm.” I hummed and nodded with a tiny smile. This boy crush is now taking a toll on me and it took almost all of my strength not to do something awkward. If I do 'something' awkward, I might triggered my first panic attack.

I don't get no peace...

I sat in the living room for quite some time, quietly. I tried to look around me to keep myself calm. I noticed that he had two large posters of Michael Jackson and an Elvis Presley. I didn't know he's into that kind of music. I also noticed he had a blue guitar in his stand near the corner where it was. Guess the neighbors haven't told him to get rid of it yet or he's really good at it that they let him keep it.

I did noticed a few family portraits, most were with his little brother. Guess that he's on a good term relation with him. Most would be either on neutral or rivalry, but I guess that's just me with my nephews whenever they came with my sister for a visit.

Ah! That reminds me! I immediately pulled out my cell phone and I immediately text them of where I'm at and let them know that I'll be late to come home. I've only have two contacts in my phone so it's not a huge surprise for someone like me. After a few minutes, dad responded that it was alright, my sister on the other hand, she was sending a long paragraph of how happy she was for me to make a friend and that I needed to see more 'real' people. I'm a shy person with an out-going sister, OK?

I'll take that as an 'OK' from them.

Thinking about him, under the bed sheets...

I then heard him coming in with two cups of tea. “I've got lavender tea, so I hope you don't mind it with some milk and a bit of sweet in it.” He said. “Oh, no, not at all. I sometimes have some on rainy days and just enjoy watching it through my bedroom window while hearing the droplets-Err!!” I blushed and looked away. Aw, snap! I made it awkward! I doubt that he think it's interesting. He just chuckled and said. “Don't be shy. I love the rain too. It's just sad that most of the other kids preferred to be 'sunshine everyday' of the week. Guess they don't know how rain can be a good thing or appreciate it's good sides.” I looked at him as he smile at me. Why are you so... nice to someone like me?

He sat down next to me. Oh my God! He's so close! I immediately looked down in my tea, took a sip and I was surprised that he used honey instead of sugar. I know that it can be a bit hard to use them for this, but it's really good!

“Not only it's good, but it helps calm down stress and anxiety. It will help greatly for someone I've seen for a while...” He sets down his cup. “There's something I wanted to ask you for quite a while...” He looked at me again and waited me to put mine down. I set it down and wondered what could he mean.

No. It's... too obvious. Right? But I still didn't have the courage to look straight in his eyes. I've kept them down and didn't turned my head. Both my hands were gripping tightly like a fist on my knees and I trembled a bit. I was scared of what might happened. Did I do something wrong? Was it something I've said or maybe... he noticed me following him??

The way that he's whispering...

I then got surprised of a gentle touch on my left cheek that I've let out an “Ah!” and then my head was turned straight in his face. He frowned a bit and said. “Eyes over here.” I looked right in his eyes... they were those beautiful deep ocean blue colors that I can't help but to admire them. I couldn't move nor even blink. I was frozen, paralyzed yet a bit shaken by that guy...

The way that he's pulling me in...

I let out another 'yeep!' as his other hand had been put at my left hip and he pulled me closer to him. I don't know how, but my hands had somewhat gripped both his side of the white long sleeves he's wearing. I was blushing so red and thinking 'what the heck and I DOING?!' “That's a cute face you're making.” He smirked.

Aaaaaah! I want to crawl in a corner and just let me die from this embarrassment! Please!

He then got serious and asked.“Felix, I want to ask you something and I want you to answer it with honesty...” I mentally snapped back in reality and calmed myself. This is it... I nodded cause I was a bit nervous to say it.

“Now tell me... Do you like me?” He said those triggered words and my heart sank. “huh?” What did he said? I might misunderstood it. “D-do I what?” I asked again on what he really meant. “I'm asking if you like me or not.”

Oh... He said if I like him or not... My mind exploded and turned blank. My mouth was slightly opened but no words came out. He said it. I then feel drained and as I faded out of conscious, all I remembered was his worried face and he called my name before I fell on him...

Lord knows I've tried, I can't get him off my mind.

I came to once I've awoken with more lavender scents. I knew that I've smelled this before back at the library, but I've just assumed that it might have been someone else. I feel a soft pillow on my head, a really warm blanket and then I've realized there's someone's gentle hand that's been caressing the back of my head. I opened slightly my eyes and saw Oswald, who he noticed me, smiled again. “You're up. Thank goodness, I thought that I might need to call your next of kin if you're still fainted.”

He... was taking care of me when I fainted? I then realized on what he was doing and I blushed immediately. I've hid my face underneath the blanket and I trembled in embarrassment. I can't believe I've messed up our first interaction alone! “I-I'm so sorry! I d-don't know what came over me!” I then felt the blanket pulled over my head and saw him frowning again. “Don't hide your face when you're talking to me.” He said it seriously. I was at loss and I don't know what to say.

If I say that I like him, he would have freaked out or be disgusted. But then again, he asked that damned question... What's the right way to say it? He then placed his hand on my cheeks again to make me look at him. “Felix, don't be scared. I want to hear it from you. I know for a while now that you've been watching me since early fall after our high school entrance ceremony.” I was surprised. “H-how... did you know?”

He then gently placed me back on a sitting position, but kept himself close.“Cause you've been following me at school everywhere but kept your distance. I would have let it pass as coincidental if you haven't had a few mishaps of pretending to read a book unless you can do it upside down.” He smirked a bit. Yikes! Did I really do that? Sure I might have noticed it but him? How did he knew that detail specifically? I was guessing that it was probably my turn to speak. “Well... I've... seen you a few times and I... couldn't help but admire...” I quietly spoke and started to tremble. Why is it so hard to say it?

I wanna taste his lips, yeah 'cause they taste like you...

“Me? Admirable? I doubt it.” He puts himself down. I was shocked to hear that. “Wh-what do you mean? Sure you may be not as big as your little brother, but I think you're amazing on your own. You're even just as popular as your family, you're kinda like a prince according to most of the girls and you're so... nice...!!!” I clammed my mouth with both my hands when I realized I've spoke too much. Great! Now I've probably creep him out!

But... he didn't reacted like that. He smiled, then pulls my hands away and said. “It's alright. You're being honest unlike most of the people I've knew.” I looked at him again confused. Why... is he not weird out from someone like me? Was he serious when he asked 'that' earlier?

He then gently placed one of my loose hair at the back of my ear. “What makes you notice I'm nice in real person before this? I've rarely show that side to anyone.”

“Well... I've seen that first time I did is when it was raining after school one time. There was an old man who'd probably didn't have much was using some news papers to cover his head. You've offered your own umbrella and then used your school bag to cover your head instead. That makes me think you're a kind, warmhearted person.” I remembered it well.

I wanna drown myself in a bottle of his cologne...

“You've... saw that? It wasn't out of publicity praises I've done that...” His eyes looked on the side, blushing. Holey carp fish! Now this sounded like some cheesy, love confession in those novels! “N-no! It's not like that! I think you're really a great guy! I just... couldn't help but admire.” I've blurred it out.

He looked at me with a surprising eyes and I froze again. Why am I digging my own early grave for my so-called 'social' life? His expression relaxed again and he also placed his right hand on my left cheek. “Funny. I just assumed that I'm just average. Truth is, I believed you're more interesting. To me at least.” He then brushes his thumb on my blushing cheeks as my eyes widen with shock. Little, plain but weird, old me? Interesting? To him? A super cool guy? Probably more famous than I'll ever be in my dreams?

...Wait. I DID fainted, right? “Am I still dreaming?” I asked. He then had an idea and smirked . “Maybe... What if it's real?” I was confused on what he said until he puts his other hand on the other side of my cheeks. He pulls me closer to his face and said with confidence. “If I confessed what I wanted, will you accept it?” I innocently opened my mouth to let out a 'huh?' and then he took that chance to kiss me... on the lips.

“mmh!” Was my reaction. My eyes widen while his were closed. He pulled me close to his chest as I've unconsciously gripped his sleeves again. My heart started to pound faster and felt like it was about to jump off my rib cage. My mind is thinking of numerous things right now, one of them is what's going on right now.

He's kissing me.

He then let my lips go after we needed air. He was blushing a bit deeper, but not as much as I am. “Ah... ah...” I tried to breathe. I was embarrassed, but confused. He then realized what he had done and covered his mouth. “I'm sorry... I got a bit carried away. You were so cute that I... couldn't help myself. Please forgive me.” He then pulls me close again with one hand on my head and the other wrapped around my waist in a hug.

I want his long, dark hair...

Oh. my. Gosh!  Now I know I'm not dreaming! Did 'the' Oswald 'lucky rabbit' Disney just confessed and kissed me?! For reals?!! I don't know what to say but... I wanted to make sure. “Do you really... like me?” I asked. “Yes... I wanted to make sure that you were comfortable with me before I wanted to ask. Especially if I'm a guy...” He sounded like he's having the same problem as I did... “But why me of all the people? There's a lot of cute girls and even some handsome guys who would have been a much better match than boring, old me! I'm not one of those 'in crowd' kids.” Why did he choose me out of all those people?

“Because you're unique to me.” I gasped. “You were pretty much reading books, but they were mostly on more interesting titles than the ones that were recommended by staff picks or even on those Kobo tablets. You even sometimes get some of the most crucial details when everyone else missed like your keen eye senses. A bit reserved, but you're more honest and that you're the type who doesn't go for superficial love relationships or looks... although I've already mentioned that you were cute, heh!” He chuckled on that last part. I felt... happy.

I want his magic touch...

“Now are you willing to go out with me? Even if it's just once, I want to go out with you. If not then... I wanted to be friends at least...?” He then got a bit surprise when I wrapped my arms around his back and placed my head on his chest. I knew he was well built, but it felt good. I finally took all of my courage and I gave him my answer. “Yes... I do... I was so scared of confessing and that well...” I started to shake a bit until he placed another kiss on my cheeks this time. We looked at each other again and then he said. “There's no need to be afraid... I've already fell in love with you on first glance. Now that we've confessed, we can now learn more about each other.”

Yeah 'cause maybe then, you'd want me just as much...

“Wait! What about-” He then placed a finger on my lips. “We can do it tomorrow... I want to enjoy this moment with you.” He answered as if he knew of what I was about to ask on our school project.

I got a boy crush...

He then looked at me again, leaned his head just a bit as if he wanted to kiss me again...

Hate to admit it but...

I may have blushed a bit, but I've nodded a bit and then I've let him... I've spend a long evening with him.

I got a heart rush, ain't slowing down...

----Author’s notes-----

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I can’t believe I’ve just made my first boy fluff one shot!

Just to let you know that I did not want to break any rules, including the new Tumbr rule about no adultery here so please don’t take this seriously. (It’s just a kiss, jez!)

I dunno why I’ve been obsessed with this but I just wanted to let it out.

I did choose this particular song not because of the misconception of loving the same gender, but more like kind of an envious way. It’s a bit of the mash of original and the remix of this song.

Girl Crush by Little Big Town and cover AJ.

BBTIM AU characters belongs to Marini4.

[nawaazishein]

Broken but beautiful (2018)

“Broken but beautiful” (ALTBalaji) is the story of Veer, a guy who lost his wife to a car accident four years ago, and Sameera, who cannot accept the fact that her relationship of five years ended. A year ago. Their tracks are connected through Kartik, Veer’s cousin and Sameera’s ex-boyfriend. The show revolves around how both refuse to let go of their past, how it effects their present, and how they manage to break out of that with the help of one another. [Spoilers from here on] It’s one of the oldest stories in the book, boy meets girl, they help each other get over toxic periods in their life, possibly fall in love, life is beautiful, done. There’s nothing mind-blowingly new about this concept, but that’s fine, the trailer didn’t promise anything else. I was hoping for a couple of hours of shallow entertainment and nothing more, however I was still disappointed. Let’s start with the main characters. Veer blames himself for his wife’s death in a car accident because he didn’t make sure she put on a seatbelt (ok??) and has been living a very self-destructive and secluded life ever since. He copes by sleeping with anything with a heartbeat and talking to his dead wife. You’d think he should see a shrink but he really still is the sanest of them all. Sameera’s the one to really takes the cake. When Kartik and Veer first call her “psycho stalker ex” I thought that was a tad bit exaggerated but boy, it was not. She is so obsessed with Kartik and their relationship that she behaves like a brainless dummy for 10 out of 11 episodes. Girl, please google “Stockholm Syndrome” when you find the time. She sits in a cab in front of his house and just stares at it for hours, drops everything at the blink of an eye when he calls only to get stood up or looked in an almari, basically makes a fool of herself at every chance given. These two meet because Veer moved into Kartik and Sameera’s old apartment without her knowing and she walks in on him working on another notch on the bedpost while she’s actually looking for Kartik. Kartik is undoubtedly a dick ‘cause he sold the house and got right of all her shit without telling her – including the dog, which a couple of episodes later turns out to have hidden in Veer’s bathroom and he didn’t notice?? Veer is done with Sameera’s shit right from the start, as are her friends and I cannot blame any of them, wants her missing signature for the purchase of the house and be done. That’s where things, or rather the timeline gets weird. The scenes are not shown in chronological order but rather jump from their first meeting to a fake relationship to make Kartik jealous to “I think I love Veer” confession in front of the whole family back to the fake relationship, which is super confusing. It took me a couple of episodes to understand that they were going back and forth in the first place, and up until episode 9 or 10 to figure out the actual progression of their storyline within the universe. It makes absolutely no sense for them to tell this story that away, and if it’s just a creative choice, theek hai, but then it’s very badly done. The first nine episodes are spent with this back and forth while Sameera continues to be an annoying psycho, stalking her ex, and Veer wants her to leave him alone. Special shoutout to him when he loses it after having to save her from being locked in Kartik’s almari and when he yells at her, wanting to know if this is some weird bimbo fetish she’s into or just a mental issue. I was cheering for him a bit there, ngl. In episode ten, all of a sudden, both realize that they’re attracted to one another. Actually Sameera goes so far as to call it love on the spot and instantly goes from projecting the need for affection from Kartik onto Veer. She even says so herself and for a second I have hopes she wasn’t asleep jab akkal baanth rahi thi.

The show ends with Veer defaming any kind of positive feeling towards Sam in front of his friends, her hearing that, the inevitable heartbreak, both of them milkar delivering his friend’s baby, that event changing their outlook on everything for whatever reason, Veer realizing he does have the hots for her, Sam forgiving Veer and realizing she’s a strong independent woman that needs no man. If you’re like “Wtf, where did this all come from all of a sudden?” that makes two of us. What the first nine episode might arguably lack in progress and speed – they don’t imo but when you only have 11 episodes to work with… - the last two episodes try to make up for and fail. The only thing making it a tiny bit worth watching, and the reason for me suffering through it, was Massey. He was great as usual. His acting has got a certain rawness to it, which makes his characters so much more real and believable by proxy, and he was the perfect fit for Veer. He was, as expected tbh, the saving grace of this whole entire show. Can’t say too much about Harleen because this is the first thing I’ve seen her in and I really hope the director made her put on the blank, somewhat spaced out expression she walked around with 95% of the time rather than it being her style of acting. To sum it up: The whole thing was just plain… bad. Awful. The concept was not developed enough, the writing made it worse and the actors couldn’t “outact” that. Whoever’s responsible for this probably thought exactly what I did minutes before handing in a half-assed uni-assignment, “Ah, fuck it, I can’t be bothered anymore.” and that’s exactly what comes across on screen.

[yall-cant-handel-this-blog]

Blog Post #15

Wagner, Isreal, and the Palestinians

In this first reading, they first introduced the genius of Wagner’s music, then went on to introduce his anti-semitic beliefs and finally introduced the discussion regarding the debate of playing Wagner’s music in Isreal. They make the argument that by continuing to outlaw Wagner’s music in Isreal it is like giving in and letting Hitler have the last word. 

To a degree, I understand this argument because I can imagine that Hitler would’ve been selfish with such great German music as composed by Wagner and he himself might’ve called for the banning of Wagnerian compositions being played in a place the Jewish race claimed as their own. He might of asserted that they didn’t deserve it or something, and if that was the case then I would say hell yeah let’s defy Hitler’s wishes and let’s not exclude Jew’s from things as amazing and Wagner’s works. 

But on the other hand, I approach this conversation with cultural lenses trying to understand this dilemma, for example, today there are a lot of accusations made about various artists regarding their behavior and beliefs and if something surfaces that goes against what I think is right and fair, such as R Kelly’s sexual assault charges, I have actively chosen to disown his most famous songs. I think this is an ok practice even if the song is extremely influential. As for Wagner’s music, this argument can’t be made so lightly because of how genius and innovative he truly was. But yet, I still think his very outspoken beliefs kind of warrants that his music should be selectively played and not in places that were the target of his disdain. 

Divorcing music from anti-Semitism, Israeli soprano takes on taboo at Wagner-fest

In this reading, my first point made above was asserted by one of the Jewish artists performing at Wagner’s festival; Wagner wanted a Jewish cleansing and by performing his works it’s kind of like nuts to him, ya know? I think we just have to ask ourselves if his beliefs can be expunged on the basis of his genius and innovative music advancements. It’s just hard to imagine that we can say we’re actively working against Wagner’s beliefs by encouraging Jews to perform and enjoy his music when we’re bringing more attention and praise to him. To me, this is kind of saying “look we know what you believed and it’s not ok but it’s kind of ok because we still like your music”, I just don’t think much is being done to condone his beliefs although he deserves it. For this reason, I feel kind of slimy that we’re going to his opera because I don’t really want to support someone that was so actively and vocally anti-semitic. I definitely think that when introduced Wagner should be first labeled an anti-semite and second a genius composer, so that people can actively make the choice whether to support someone like that. I’m not saying we should throw out all Wagnerian improvements made to music and theater, but his additions should be taken with consideration and we can’t ever stop condemming him for his beliefs. Nuts to Wagner. 

Wagner and Me

1. Stephen Fry also grapples with the question of whether or not to take Wagner’s music as it is and for the genius it is or to always engage with the disdain that he was a vocal anti-semite. He comes to the conclusion that he doesn’t want the music to be lost in a shroud of hate and he actively chooses to enjoy Wagner’s art. I can understand his argument that we shouldn’t let his hate win and we shouldn’t lose the genius of his music to the Nazi’s but I still face a bit cognitive dissonance over the whole matter. I suppose I’ll have to see if seeing his opera is worth it at the end after I’ve seen it in person.

2. I learned a few things from this little documentary;

First, I learned that I recognize more of Wagner’s compositions then I thought I did. 

Second, I hadn’t known, although I’m not really surprised that, Wagner’s relatives still are head directors in production of his operas in Bayreuth.

Third, after seeing his grave, I realize they might of made it in honor of his original opera house in Bayreuth...., plain, simple, intended to not take away from the genius within.                  (;

Fourth, that really awful writer guy, Wagner’s son-in-law, supported and even endorsed Hitler to the Wagner’s when he was first emmerging in German politics.

Finally, the Ring Cycle is 18 hours long in its entirety (17 if you take a nap!). 

“Lohengrin” chapter

1. The chapter says that the opera is based on myths incorporating archetypes from the medieval fairytale time, such as knights, kings, witches, magic swans, kings, and damsels in distress.

2. I think it is possible that Wagner saw himself as Lohengrin, because Wagner described him as an artist, a higher being, somewhat above the world, but not exempt from the need of love. Looking at Wagner’s life we know that he quite enjoyed the ladies and also considered himself to be a great artist on his own accord even without the confirmation of the masses. I think it’s possible he was projecting how he felt about himself by creating a character such as Lohengrin.

3. An overture incorporating themes from the entire opera, where a prelude does not, a prelude stands on its own and is more so beautiful than meaningful in the sense of introducing the opera’s themes. 

4. Elsa is on trial for the murder of Gottfried, because she goes in the woods with him and returns without him.

5. It seems to me that the only note of the location that Telramaund and Ortrud are banished to is the courtyard of Antwerp Castle, the location of the opera, which makes sense because it would be hard to create two distinct locations on a stage and still have the characters interact with each other. (Although a lot of opera asks the audience to use a bit of imagination, perhaps this was too much of a stretch)

6. Elsa wants to know Lohengrin’s name because she feels that by not even getting to know his name she is somehow below him and that if she is below him then he very well may get bored of her and may leave her for someone else.

7. Ortrud drops dead because she is shocked when Gottfried transforms back from being a swan. 

8. Lohengrin kills Telramaund in one blow in his castle room. Ortrud is a pagan, meaning she practices witchcraft. Elsa falls lifeless when Lohengrin leaves on his swan boat after announcing his name. 

9. The joke about Kaiser Willhem II being photographed in full swan knight drag or the joke about the actor missing his paper mache swan boat during one of the performances? both funny stories. 

10. I’m most excited for elaborate sets, and to see how they project the swan boat (lowkey I hope they use a real swan or like a fleet of real swans) and also to see how the actor of Ortrud portrays the part.