#and like right now im burnt out and sick so i have less ability to mask

[casual-eumetazoa]

I feel like people have also pushed the social model of disability as the only valid model for explaining autism so much that it became just straight up misinformation. Like, listening to some autistic people on tiktok, it's like you can accommodate autism to such an extent that it stops being a disability or even a problem whatsoever. And maybe for some specific combination of traits this is true, but my guess is that it's quite rare. For most people who meet the current diagnostic criteria, autism would disable them in any context, especially since it is almost always comorbid with at least one other thing if not multiple, such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, connective tissue disorders, epilepsy, ADHD, intellectual disability, dyslexia/dyscalculia/dyspraxia, auditory processing disorder... the list goes on.

Point is, of course accommodations, support, and a good environment can eliminate a lot of negative aspects of autism - but most autistic people are disabled by our neurotype and it cannot be accommodated out of existence. Accommodations can drastically improve our quality of life, but not make us function on the exact same level as neurotypical people. And because activist circles and tiktok and so on have an overrepresentation of people whose combination of traits allows them to function on a relatively normative level, people forget just how many struggles you can have, even as a low support person. Like some people think that needing help with filing paperwork or keeping your house clean is high support. That's not even mid support imho, that's something the vast majority of low support autistic people would benefit from. I'm mid support and I need help with tying my shoelaces and preparing simple meals - and I have a master's degree and no learning/intellectual disabilities.

Two things can be true at once. Yes, autism is a natural variation of brain types and we deserve the same rights and dignity as everyone else. Many of us would not want to be "cured" of autism and it is a part of us. Also, yes, it disables us, and limits our functioning, and can be (and is, for many people), a very negative experience, especially in the current world. It's not either or, it's not black or white. It is a complex neurodevelopmental difference that doesn't just boil down to being sensitive and passionate. And it does suck sometimes, maybe even a lot of times. Abled people should learn to respect us and our wishes and needs without either comparing autism to cancer or sugarcoating our experiences.

the way people online talk about autism is getting really weird, like do they know that neurotypicals still have interests? that someone being passionate about a hobby doesn't mean they're autistic? you guys know that right

[pikkori]

dont tell anyone but im studying and working on getting a non-art job so i could quit art (keeping it as a hobby) and social media as a whole. im done, like for real this time. im burnt out. im making less than 10k a year off of it. the field is hyper saturated and algorithms have absolutely killed any passion or excitement I have with art, I am nothing but a husk that draws and I no longer feel happy drawing anymore unless its for myself. I was doing semi-okay before covid, i was finally getting gigs and potential industry jobs and then it collapsed. They all cancelled and I had to start from scratch again. Recession is making my groceries for 1 person an extra 100 a month, even when I cut down. I'm still cutting down. I can't afford anything at the speed of the recession.

What makes getting another job any different? I have a chance of working from home, I can put my coding skills to use, and I can possibly see my income growing instead of bouncing up an down and just barely making it. For fucks sake, i'll take anything higher than 10k a year right now. Literally anything.

What is absolutely astounding to me is that, I was fairly successful on all parts of social media and selling merch and growing a base that could fund my work, but it simply DOES NOT pay enough. I've been at this for almost 6 years already, there is no more possibility of climbing higher because the rate of inflation. Most freelancers are making between 10k-30k powered entirely by visibility and social media. That is simply unlivable. It was bordering on starvation before the pandemic, but its simple undoable now, unless you're extremely lucky. Which I was lucky. Very. Still am for the bare minimum.

But im done. Im sick of being tied to social media. I want to be a nobody on the internet minding my own business, in fact i want to be off the internet more. I don't care anymore. I love art, but I don't love doing art like this. I will keep drawing and posting art, but I want to reach a point where it is no longer tied to my ability to survive. im very tired.

[if-the-crown-fits-translate-it]

Discord pt 98

[Date: 19/03, 06:01 AM GMT - 19/03, 06:50 AM GMT]

[CW for unethical floral experimentation, injury mention]

kateza affectionate: “mona, don't be so hard on yourself, ok?”

Maxwell: “....i....think we should tell her about the other stuff

mona”

Little-K1ng: “............theres more????”

Marcus: “.........heh”

Little-K1ng: “uh. heh?”

Maxwell: “I saw syds observation post from yesterday...it had a scrrenshot of something I said, and jack and them told me thats what you didnt want me seeing yesterday....”

Marcus: “Oh that

....yeah”

Little-K1ng: “O_O

uh..........................................................”

Marcus: “...that’s kind of what the argument was about”

Little-K1ng: “,,,,,,,,,,,,um

oh fuck. i

max...”

Maxwell: “im not upset”

Little-K1ng: “i just...”

Maxwell: “i took some time”

Little-K1ng: “you're... not?”

Maxwell: “and i get why you did it

yeah

but”

kateza affectionate: “you're in an unprecedented situation. a situation that keeps getting worse and worse with seemingly no reprieve. I don't blame you for slipping up here and there- there's so much stress involved that it's almost expected for you to be upset. i don't think anyone blames you for doing these things. that's all i wanted to say.”

Maxwell: “its gotten worse

baroness has images of more times where i've slipped up

at least twice during my argument with her”

Little-K1ng: “oh christ”

Maxwell: “and then I switched back to ender for certain words....”

Little-K1ng: “i.....”

Maxwell: “and....i sent prince an ask on faer blog....”

Little-K1ng: “you... did?”

Maxwell: “saying i was sorry for upsetting faem and i hoped i could see faem again soon”

Little-K1ng: “oh no oh no

oh max....”

Maxwell: “fae said "see you soon, page"”

Marcus: “...max signed the ask as page as well”

Maxwell: “no no

the was the second one”

Marcus: “..there was one before??”

Maxwell: “after he answered the first one i closed my eyes to breath”

Little-K1ng: “how can i be getting worse so much faster....”

Marcus: “.....I don’t...remember”

Little-K1ng: “unless...”

Marcus: “...huh”

Little-K1ng: “oh fucking christ no non on ono nonon ono nonono.....”

Maxwell: “and when I opened them like three minutes had passed and I had sent an ask as page apparently”

Little-K1ng: “did..... did crown do something? did he get in? did he get in when i left the door open??? and make it worse???????”

Marcus: “...I don’t

...max i don’t remember you sending an ask

Only page”

Little-K1ng: “is it my fault? did... did i do that? did i really.... i..... left you vulnerable....... i....”

Maxwell: “no it isnt your fault”

Little-K1ng: “i just....... this doesnt.... this doesnt hurt me nearly as much as it should.... im not... im still not upset..?”

Marcus: “Mona, Crown didn’t come in...I would’ve seen him. It’s not your fault”

kateza affectionate: “this isn't your fault mona

you're probably emotionally tired”

Little-K1ng: “but i just... i still just feel empty about it. i feel fully justified about this and i know i fucked up but im not hurt”

Raeva: “oh...”

Maxwell: “uh....I have marigold tea if you want some”

Little-K1ng: “i cant even fucking apologize right”

Marcus: “You didn’t mess up

...max what”

kateza affectionate: “you're emotionally burnt out, Mona. This is a bad situation”

Little-K1ng: “wh. where did you get marigolds?”

Maxwell: “oH

uH”

Marcus: “max”

Little-K1ng: “....;max????”

Maxwell: “hm.....well....

Little-K1ng: “max i dont have any tea except dandelion root

you're 16 you dont have money or a car

where the fuck,????”

Maxwell: “fetch was hurt....and i wanted to make sure I could help him tomorrow if he came back home tomorrow”

Marcus: “.....arent the flowers on your laurel...”

Maxwell: “.....”

Marcus: “max you didnt”

Little-K1ng: “mAaAaAaX??!!!!

what the HELL”

Marcus: “Don’t yell at him!”

Little-K1ng: “ahhhhh??????????????

im ??? not yelling on purpose im just????????

what the hell ??????”

Maxwell: “i wanted to help and it works?!”

Marcus: “you tested it???”

Maxwell: “yes”

Little-K1ng: “thats such a silly idea max of course it worked??? magic is like that sometimes??? but why would you have even thought about it ?????????”

Marcus: “max”

Maxwell: “i...”

Little-K1ng: “thats so silly how did it taste wh”

Maxwell: “i knew marigolds have the ability to help heal wounds...they can help speed up the process sometimes by a couple of days”

Marcus: “Are you okay??”

Maxwell: “they can help with blood flow”

Marcus: “Which ones did you cut off? Did you only cut one?”

Little-K1ng: “are you???? ok max first of all. heavy metal poisoning speedrunning. nice one. but also. dude cmon they double when you do that”

Maxwell: “and can sometimes even be used to treat infections...

i only cut one but it workss”

Little-K1ng: “one flower for how much ??”

Marcus: “...”

Little-K1ng: “like. did the water change color? bubble strangely? make fucked up ender noises at you??”

Maxwell: “i got a scrape on my arm when I was pacing outside waiting for fetch and I dipped a paper towel in it and put it on the wound”

Little-K1ng: “god maybe i am emotionally exhausted”

Maxwell: “it almost fully closed instantly”

Marcus: “...I kinda hope it made ender noises that would be funny”

[Maxwell: “it almost fully closed instantly”]

Little-K1ng: “hUH”

Maxwell: “it healed the wound faster than normal

not completely but enough”

Little-K1ng: “oh you better hope you dont do that too much and find out once your laurel wilts the wounds just open wtf”

Marcus: “I don’t think normal marigolds do that”

Little-K1ng: “thats like. supremely fucked dude??? thats weird.”

Maxwell: “.....”

Marcus: “...interesting”

Little-K1ng: “if you only used one did you??? just use the one i cut?”

Maxwell: “i wanted to help fetch

no the...one you cut was a bud

i needed one with petals that was bloomed...”

Marcus: “Y’know Max, I don’t think anyone else would’ve tried that”

Maxwell: “also the bud hasnt wilted despite being cut off a day ago...

but yeah i needed petals”

Marcus: “....”

Maxwell: “i tried to take em off when it was on my head but it felt like I was pulling out my hair so i stopped and just....”

Little-K1ng: “no, i understand the need. i get it. i want to help fetch too and honestly? i would have done the same”

Maxwell: “took a whole one”

Marcus: “...are you okay?

How did that not wake me up”

Little-K1ng: “im. i just. i feel so screwed up about this whole thing.”

Maxwell: “i didnt yell”

Marcus: “...”

Maxwell: “i numbed it with ice and grabbed the scissors

fetch wasnt happy when i told him”

Little-K1ng: “well of course not”

Maxwell: “jack saw it as an experiment”

Marcus: “...you talked to fetch?

Like directly?”

Little-K1ng: “you told him???”

Maxwell: “no he was messaging her”

Little-K1ng: “i dont even tell him when i hide a pill in some cheese for him

wait dont tell him that i said that”

Marcus: “I thought he just gave an update and that’s how you knew about stuff”

Maxwell: “to let us know he wouldnt be home tonight

yeah and i said i knew a way to help heal him”

Marcus: “...”

Maxwell: “he...knew i was gonna do something I shouldnt have

theres still quite a bit left”

Marcus: “....i can see why he would think that”

Maxwell: “it's in a bowl....

....you can use some if you need it”

Little-K1ng: “...........ok. would it be weird. if i drank it

like a little bit

maybe itll?? pick up my mood or something”

Marcus: “What if it cures your migraines”

Maxwell: “i dont know if it works for moods”

Little-K1ng: “god i WISH”

Maxwell: “uh give me a sec”

[Marcus: “What if it cures your migraines”]

Little-K1ng: “MARCUS IF IT DOES THAT IM GIVING YOU TWO THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE”

Maxwell: “you could try but as far as i remember it wont work

it works for wounds and inflammatory stuff”

Little-K1ng: “damn”

Marcus: “Why would you give it to me-”

Little-K1ng: “yeah ill be honest i maybe do not want the weird rat juice . at least not right now”

Maxwell: “its...flower

i put the petals in a pot and boiled em”

Little-K1ng: “Brain Flower of the Rat is not exactly the most appealing tea flavor, max. with all due respect”

Maxwell: “then i strained them”

Marcus: “Juice of Brain Flower of the Rat then”

Maxwell: “actually tastes slightly like normal water...

if anything slightly sweet

jack said it might taste like rose water”

[Marcus: “Juice of Brain Flower of the Rat then”]

Little-K1ng: “sick new lacroix flavor”

[Maxwell: “jack said it might taste like rose water”]

Little-K1ng: “.....rose water?”

Maxwell: “yeah you boil the roses then strain em into a bowl

like i did with the marigolds”

Little-K1ng: “i like rose water... :/ guess maybe i do want the fucked up rat brain plant water”

Maxwell: “you could try some its not like I cant make more”

Little-K1ng: “....hm !!! dont like that

do not make more rat water”

Maxwell: “....”

Little-K1ng: “i will try some but do not make more”

Marcus: “...please stop calling it rat water?”

Little-K1ng: “marcus?? do you want to try some (Patent Pending) Maxwell Ratatouille's Funky Fresh Brain Tea™️?”

Maxwell: “....

im too tired for this shit”

Little-K1ng: “im coping max.”

Marcus: “....”

Maxwell: “ fair”

Marcus: “I don’t have any injuries?”

Maxwell: “im.....i might go to sleep soon....

who?”

Marcus: “Who?”

Little-K1ng: “we dont have injuries

basically

okay so uh?? bottoms up i guess”

sip sip

sip

Marcus: “..oh wait

My elbow?

Does it work on old injuries?”

Little-K1ng: “uh. hm

it tastes good?”

Maxwell: “oh yeah its burned! it wont get rid of the injury but it might help with any lingering pain?”

Little-K1ng: “it tastes nice actually, the rose water thing was actually accurate

........................................huh

wtf”

kateza affectionate: “I’m gonna head to bed. Stay safe y’all. Much love /p”

Little-K1ng: “gn Kate !

uh

hm. okay”

Maxwell: “hm?”

Marcus: “What Mona?”

Little-K1ng: “so. i may have forgotten to mention out loud to yall but i have some pretty bad joint pain

like, typically, its a mid level pain all the time

and its jsut? less

less pain

thats nice”

Maxwell: “told ya it works!”

Little-K1ng: “it.... does !

dont make more though

ill enjoy this for as long as it lasts but for gods sake max dont pick the laurel for tea”

Marcus: “Please don’t make more rat juice max”

Little-K1ng: “gonna do a rat juice high five marcus

try it??”

Marcus: “I’ll..try just applying it to my elbow”

Little-K1ng: “something something dab joke”

Marcus: “Man you really are tired huh?

Little-K1ng: “i am so tired

work was hard

and i came home, expecting like, the remnants of a fight”

Marcus: “Okay- oh”

Little-K1ng: “only to realize that like, just about every problem for the last 2 days are probably entirely my fault”

Marcus: “Mona”

Little-K1ng: “and i dont actually have it in me to think i actually did anything wrong and i keep getting angry and snapping at people who dont deserve it”

Marcus: “Mona it’s fine

I promise”

Little-K1ng: “<:(”

Maxwell: “you okay marcus”

Little-K1ng: “^this is an incredibly forced frown. again, i dont feel bad”

Maxwell: “the water didnt hurt you right?”

Marcus: “Huh?

Oh

No it’s quite soothing actually”

Little-K1ng: “yeah weird right ??”

Marcus: “A bit”

Little-K1ng: “i WILL physically fight you max if you try to make more though

i will get mad. dont”

Maxwell: “....sorry”

Little-K1ng: “i mean dont be sorry for trying it, that was a good idea

but you've done it once, thats enough”

Marcus: “Please don’t make more max”

Little-K1ng: “for safety reasons”

Marcus: “Yeah”

Little-K1ng: “i dont know how easily those stems get infected

and with how deep they run i really dont want you to find out

i already endangered you all this far, please dont help me do that

guys... you both look so tired”

Maxwell: “you wont endagenr us its fein”

Little-K1ng: “maybe you should go to bed”

Maxwell: “im fien”

Little-K1ng: “sounds like it ,':)

head to the tulips, dormouse :)!”

Maxwell: “fuckign what”

Maxwell: “awwwww i love emas”

Little-K1ng: “do you guys want to sleep in the living room? my bed is pretty huge”

Maxwell: “oh iv emafe a neast on the fllor”

Little-K1ng: “oh perfect, and it looks like marcus is already asleep :) thats okay!! goodnight you guys”

Maxwell: “nihgtn”

[thespermicidaljellies]

Positive reflective life ramble on adversity, sickness, and the aftermath of 'crisis mode'

So, getting severely physically sick gradually over the past year and a half---because really my doctors and I have figured out its been a gradual thing that's been deteriorating for a while, I realized that even though I've had a LONG series of really awful stuff happen to me, every single thing internally changed part of me in an extraordinary way that's so so healthy and solidifying. It's all because of the amount of work and time I've put in from like age 17 till now in therapy, personally, and within my relationships, and even though I couldn't abate the physical effects or my own frankly severe clinical depression due to genetics, the way I've handled and allowed events in the past year or so to impact me was like the stress test proving that the work has had a permenant impact? It proved to me that as a person I'm healthy, I take things in a healthy way, I approach people in a healthy way, I conceptualize criticism and failing in the healthiest way I can with my rsd, and I set healthy goals and have healthy desires. BUT I haven't been able to actualize any of it because honestly, after everything I kind of just wanted to stagnate and have nothing new happen event wise so that I could just breath and have some stability because I've been totally exhausted and burnt out. I should have taken a semester or a year off of school, the worry and sudden ambivilance to school really hurt my health and my ability to just breath again, and the decision to just tread water and endure without any real changes in my daily routine definetely hurt my energy and health. Taking almost a year off from any kind of dating and sex, and shit even research was good for me. Like to an extreme extent, but I should have listened to my body saying "I'm too exhausted to even use this extra time to benefit myself" and just taken time off from school to work and move out temporarily etc.

But none of that matters now bc I got very very sick, and being bed ridden, isolated, and totally stripped of any sense of security or complacency has really changed my entire perspective on life and the finality of it and the responsibility I have to myself not just internally but externally in the form of action and challenge. My family lives a supremely unhealthy lifestyle and it's impacted me greatly. Our diets are terrible, even with the changes I've made in the past to mine by eating less fatty meat and no frozen foods, it's not enough, I haven't exercised enough or respected my body at all and doing so now will literally kill me down the line. The second I'm medically cleared I'm getting a personal trainer/physical therapist and getting in very good shape, I was an athletic kid and I've said I wanted to do this in the past but there's this weird thing inside of me where a certain threshold is reached where I know that something HAS to happen and it's absolutely going to and it's there, I dont have a doubt in my mind that it's going to happen.

Mentally I need to find a stable medication and therapy routine to treat my dysthymia because I'm unfortunate enough to have inherited my mom's near Electroconvulsive Therapy levels of long term depression, but im extremely lucky it doesn't really come in the form of sadness, just all the other physiological and psychological factors like poor motivation, anhedonia etc. Finding the right treatment now will pretty much give me a baseline to know what my normal is, because it's been a FAT minute since I've been at my baseline, and that'll give me the awareness I need (combined with CBT) to identify warning signs because emotional states aren't identifiers for me. Lastly on a personal level, I'm in fucking shambles rn in all other facets of my life but my health destroying itself stripped me down to only my internal world, and who I am as a person as the only things left. And I feel incredible, like I feel so fucking healthy and loving and assured in who I am and my worth, and all of it has been tested and tried and proven through terrible events, but the only way to remove doubt from my brain was through those events.

I think the past few weeks have been really dark, depressing, and sad for me because its been this weird grieving period of fear and sorrow about all the negative shit that's happened and the perceived loss of the life I've been leading but really, every time I'd think it would lead back to a conclusion of how I'd benefited out of it and the reality that I havent been living, I've been in crisis mode since July 2017, and the strip back down to the core that I'm enduring now is exactly what needed and maybe even what was supposed to happen.

After two days ago, the worst I felt in my entire life, I woke up and like all the fear of intimacy, being vulnerable, taking risks, and making concrete choices is just gone, because there is  literally no more back tracking and hedonistic fleeing from fears even possible. The few people that I've not cut out in my life and have stuck around have said consistently over the past few weeks how much I've helped them and have given so many examples of times where I helped support them at their worst times, from suicide attempts to breaking off engagements to sexual abuse and changing careers, and I honestly didn't realize that people ever thought I'd had that much of an impact in that and I never really believed that I had earned or deserved to receive help or loyalty from people, it's been incredibly meaningful and validating for my biggest difficulty, vulnerability and accepting help. I think once I start to get my shit in order it's time I open myself up to a serious relationship or dating again, but without a goal of actively trying to obtain it, it needs to be with someone who's in the same position I am, the uphill climb AFTER the first uphill climb from neglect and lack of self respect to having identified what the soul needs and wants and what you provide and want others around you to provide to your life as well. I know this all sounds horribly pretentious but I'm here man, like it's all in the past been heal heal heal, and now it's like: the buildings are all built, let's occupy and use them and invite others in to use them as well. Idk yeah, that's everything I guess, I posted this for a specific few people who I know read my tumblr to keep an eye on what's been going on in my life since I'm not active on twitter/Instagram anymore, but thanks to anyone who read anyways.

Officially done with Lyme disease treatment today btw 🤘🏻

[amoresomnia]

6/2/21

poor in feelings

poor in cents

  pouring deep

to kill the scent

  your porous soul

seeped too intense

  into this fabric

of mine

  now my pillow reeks

and my sleep don’t speak

  like whiskey bourbon

spilled, once neat

  our pleasures gone

the treasured dawn

  comes to beat

me down again

  like winter mornings

with the curtains drawn

  i’m on my own

in my own

head again

5/27/21

red skies

a sign of storms ahead

  white lies

your words better left un said 

  be baptized

by the light of the life you led

5/25/21

cause i can’t seem to grow at all

with these two black thumbs i stand

prepare to climb the wall

  backs against the ropes and im already anticipating the fall

  can’t help but get going

going with the flow

can’t help never knowing

that we can’t know

  so we put up no resistance

saddle up a sad existence

is all you’ve have to show

  5/17/21

how many conversations can i simulate

before the voices (in my head) stay forever

  codeine kicks the fever dream

but i’m not feeling any better

  there’s a warm sky that lie

somewhere deep within my bones

  and i think i might die

before i ever make it home

5/15/21

want to speak

to the melancholia in you

  i want to speak

the darkest flavors of blue

  the sleepless mornings

sleepless nights

  a begging feeling for a light

  i want to speak so i can see

the misery of love atrophied

the bitterest pill of blessed be

a highlight lining what you need

  i want to breathe your ragged air

i want to breathe your ragged air

  take the sunshine never share

your life is priceless beyond compare

  but i want to speak

if only to see

  a little darkness underneath

5/8/21

every drop in the bucket makes a ripple

4/16/21

Am

sweet temptation

Em

she calls me by my first name

4/13/21

needing to find the means to monetize our leisure

  the way that man is measured

  a man’s time is his most precious treasure

3/15/21

feeling like i’m filling time

listless and just killing my mind

actions in apathy speak for my unwillingness to climb

  like each and every thing we seek

will eventually be fine

will eventually be fine

  -

  Why i gotta be this way

Been feeling blind to others thoughts of me

Less of a feeling and more a furtive display

taking actions to display my apathy

wondering what the watchmen see

wondering what it really means

  is this another depressive episode

another tick tack beat on the metronome

ten missed calls and ya mamma left wondering when you coming home

wondering what’s it like when ya left alone

  where’s the means to make amends

where’s the bridge i’ve burnt at both ends

  maybe i can just pretend

  maybe i can just pretend

  3/5/21

each of my hours cost me days

3/3/21

the end is still forever and a day away

2/6/21

the melancholy of a forgotten dream

  the broken pieces never fit back together it seems

  at least not in the way that we mean

1/22/21

and i can curve my spine into an s shape

  last week i ate a berry in the woods so i could see

deaths face

  and sometimes i think about how we’re all staying in

this place

  the same state

  somebody shelter some more

the house you built see it gon’

keep you dry and safe from the storm 

  this sickening shame

slurred words share no blame

keep blending it together til everything

feels the same

  it’s all so awfully humbling

when these walls can all come crumbling

down

  then we’d be in the

  same state

      1/16/21

and they said i was the oldest one

  born to break the records

fated to steal the sun

  oh they said i was the oldest son

  picture perfect

memorabilia on the wall

  gloria gloria

why can’t i hear ya

as i continue this eternal fall

  to slip as easily as me

to fall from grace

effortlessly

  who’s to say

now that i’m not the only one

11/15/20

and i been feeling like an echo

11/15/20

and i am just a passing moment

walking through

  stranger over yonder

yes that sense of sonder

  i feel it too

  i am just a passing moment to you

11/13/20

it’s not funny this is a nervous laughter

  what comes from the work

  follows after

  the most recent episodes

  of our disaster

  this is a nervous laughter

  11/10/20

what’s the use

in using

  decisions made without our choosing

  pinpricks gave us the solution

  can’t save us from this ablution.

  Said i don’t wanna feel this way

  mama i’m only tryna numb the pain

  1/28/20

“If you have the ability, then come.”

  The sound of leather boots brushing across fallen leaves moves forward.

  The clean image of the morning’s light fog is shattered.

  One clean cut of the blade slices a falling leaf and the mist around it.

  Feet shuffle two steps back as the split leaf flutters to the ground.

  A second cut, this time a collision. The crisp clink of two honed edges turned against each other.

  A step. A slide. The men dance in the wind kicking up dirt. Two yearning urgently to spill the day’s first blood. To tinge red the rising sun.

  The birds have long silenced and the stillness is only broken by the beaten breathing of two who lie on the floor.

  Swordsmen and traitor stricken in fighting made little more than stains upon the earth beneath the shade but still ever so far from hearth.

  1/22/20

chasing fates flow

  1/19/20

a dusting of snow on the  shingles

lightens and whitens the roof

while the bird feeders have frozen over

  grandma’s in the kitchen

where there’ll be breakfast in a moment

  this quiet northern home

stands still for but a second

in the morning

  1/2/20

so she said savor every second

  cause each moment could be our last

  although  it’s not forever

we’ll keep pushing past

  making sweet memories

  that we won’t recall

come morning

  making sweet memories

  it’s a storm come without warning

  it’s something we’ve been searching

for

so ever hard to find

  it’s a little less than so much more

if we can bide our time

  and savor every second

cause in this moment i swear

i’m dyin

1/2/20

and to all a piece

of the validation machine

we submit

  12/12/19

i still feel a filter

a thickness engulfs me

  i just wanna connect

but i can’t quite see

  something’s been ticking

the wrong way

something been ticking

inside of me

ain’t quite say i’m sick

or dying

but there’s a weakness speaking out

inside of me

  said i still feel some static

my attitude crude and dramatic

  it’s a poison i’ve been seeking

  it’s a poison i’ve been thinking

  it’s a poison silly sinking

  somewhere deep inside of me

  ain’t been nothing more than

platitudes and gratitude

for the people pick me up

from the floor.

        2/8/20

Maybe we were meant to toil

  Under this blazing sun. Bare backs burned by the blistering heat.

  Maybe we were meant to have our hands, till-deep, in the soil.

  Sifting seeds between our fingers

searching out the signs of life and

planting them deep within the land.

  Maybe we were meant to toil

  Not for

this comfort and complacency.

Not for

this sweet space we seek.

Sheltered

from the sun and from the storm.

  Maybe we were meant to toil

    12/4/19

  tonight

i think

i’ll lie awake and

look lovingly

at this

beautiful

vague shape

that’s sleeping next to me

  cause i can’t quite

make out

your features

your facets

or your lines

cause the lights gone

and nights come

and i’m just

a little bit blind

but i know

it’s you

that’s sleeping next to me

that’s sleeping next to me

  ][

  so tonight i

think that i’ll lie

awake and take a

second just to breathe

soak in just a moment of

your lovely vague shape

  while you’re sleeping next to me

next to me

11/18/19

deep beneath

the surface

something

screams

purpose is

nothing

but a lie

  how ya gonna live your life?

11/12/19

like god's little flies

we are dropping one

by one

  11/11/19

last goodbye i’ll offer

youve taken every penny

every copper from my coffers

  11/17/19

the most effective way to enact change is to participate in it

  10/14/19

Big capital speaks louder than the cry of common man

  When the dollar has been made by creating shortcuts

  How much is that dollar really worth

08/?/19

your lips are stained blue

from all that you’ve been drinking

and no amount

of blood that they’ve been sinking into you

will be enough to save ya now

09/17/19

handed a glass

half full

  they drank it

til it’s dry

  said this is the state of the world

  and not a single tear’d they cry

09/19/19

and i’m thinking about boats and

  a placid lake with murky water choked by reeds

  and i’ve been thinking about boats and the sound that thinking’s been making lately

  for me

  you see when you place one boat one ship on this inland sea see it’s all alright

right

  there’s room to move or sail or go forward in any direction

  and then you place another ship another boat on those calm waters

and you don’t falter not for one second

  you still have space on this peaceful lake

  the wind is carrying the breeze and these ships across the ride and

  then you place another ship

and another ship

and another ship

  and the wakes these ships create start to intersect and the waters that were peaceful feel a fearful rising tide and

  then you place another ship and there’s no room to move and it’s bow to bow and scrapes along the side

  but you can’t just take the ships out

  where would they go

  and now upon your placid lake a laden waste made manifest you start to think

  and hope for that wide clear wave to ride a peaceful placid hope to hide within

  again

  so you start to sink the ships

  the boats have aged have weathered and worn their rails have scrapes sails untethered and torn

  and they go down beneath the surface and the fresher spawn have room to breathe while asleep and out of sight the old sink deep

  still a piece of the lake

but left to apathy

  and you have a nice pristine water to weave across with your less populated crest

  and then you add another ship

and another ship

and another ship

  until the bottoms ready to give in a mountain made of wreck to ruin this blessed home you’ve learned to stew in

  born out of a desire

to be free

  but then

  when there is no more space

  what then

    ?/?/2019

fresh blades of green burst through

the ivory horizon

foreboding the first false coming

of spring

  before the frost snaps and

breaks bare any inch of color

that dare pervade

the pure still space

    07/05/2019

like

placid lucidities

angry and afraid

we fail to see

all that’s been made

in our solemn search

for agency

07/02/2019

dirty jilted sister

left beside the waterfall

whiskey bourbon

turned to mist

to satisfy the masses

mend it all

  accomplishments are minced

til satisfaction stalls

and all these things

we’d missed

hang like mirrors on the wall

09/03/2019

for too long we been

looking out instead of in

dancing freely to the

cadence of our sin

08/31/2019

CAUSE THATS NOT HIRING

  THEY SAY DO WHAT YOU LOVE

YOULL NEVER WORK A DAY INYOURLIFE

  CAUSE THATS NOT HIRING

  THEY SAY DO WHAT YOU LOVE

AND YOU JUST MIGHT BE ALRIGHT

  BUT THEYRE STILL NOT HIRING

  THEY SAY DO WHAT YOU LOVE

DESPITE THE POVERTY LEVELS RISING

  CAUSE THATS NOT HIRING

  WERE ALL WASTING AWAY WALLOWING IN WEALTH

WHILE THE PEOPLE EXPIRING

  BUT THATS STILL NOT HIRING

  They say do what you love

and youll never work a day in your life

06/18/19

more like

broken glass

under apathetic feet

05/29/19

There’s a difference

Between Control and Concern

And i’m not quite sure

You’ve learned how to discern

it just yet.