#and like narrative-wise we clearly are but also there's absolutely nothing to hang that on

[maeamian]

Saw Ferrari on Christmas as part of our ongoing tradition of being not at the big tiring family gathering the whole day, and I gotta say if you're thinking of seeing that one: don't fuckin bother. The story is unsatisfying, the acting is solid but lacking, the action is impossible to follow because the main rival to Ferrari is Maserati and they both use Italian Racing Red so you gotta memorize the car numbers if you want any sense of the race, the main character is deeply unlikable and his character arc is literally nonexistent: he shows no growth whatsoever over the course of the movie, the cinematography is the visual equivalent to a picture book for five year olds of all the shots there were like two that were at all interesting, and the ending is deeply unmotivated like who even fucking cares?

[psychicprincesscreation]

NUANCE

Edit 7 (7/12): I didn't realize I kept breaking the link when I was trying to come up with a good title lol my bad.

Last two titles: "I'm not your bass-slut anymore." (That didn't exactly fit the narrative.)

"Don't fuck your idols. :)"

Since everyone is talking about accountability, let me put it succinctly: I was 22, this was consensual for me, I was a "groupie" who knowingly emotionally cheated on my then-bf with Bassnectar for months, I broke it off & moved out because I expected more from the relationship than I ever got.

As one person on IG stated: I was just a groupie whose fantasy didn't go the way I wanted it to. Lol it's true, but that isn't the whole story.

I know it's easy to focus on how I was "old enough to know better" and the harmful choices that I made, but don't forget that Bassnectar actively pursued me even after finding out about my boyfriend -- I'm sure he wouldn't have had any problem finding a single girl to talk to instead, given his stature.

He offered me concert tickets, plane tickets, money to buy an apartment, he told me to email him as often as possible, he told me to keep everything a secret and to lie to my boyfriend over and over.

He tried to "save" me with controlling advice about eating, sleeping, not partying (ironic, considering that he is a DJ) not pursuing music journalism, not hanging out with any male friends whatsoever, where I "should" work. This was all before we ever met in person.

People don't realize how hard it is to say no to your idols, especially when they are CONSTANTLY offering gifts that I considered very extravagant at my age.

This wasn't a normal affair; I had absolutely nothing to offer Bassnectar but myself, yet he spoke to me like I was a star. He told me we could "go deep" and that he wanted to "mate" with me.

Of course my dumbass young-adult drug-addled mind is going to fall in love with the idea of him.

CONSENT IS NOT DEFINITIVE. I didn't consent to a relationship as two normal people sneaking around. I became a cheating asshole who was misled by a rich & famous liar. I never said what I did was right -- in fact, I made it very clear that I did something wrong, too.

I also said that my story is NOT as bad as the other accusers'. I absolutely do NOT think that I had it worse than anyone else. I think my story is important because it shows that his behavior wasn't limited to people underage.

Hopefully my candor denotes honesty and by admitting my faults in this situation, people can see that Bassnectar's emotional manipulation was real and calculated, and most certainly did not start or end with me.

Side note: Apparently Bassnectar DOES cuddle... I guess he just didn't want to cuddle me that night. Ouch! :)

Edit 6 (7/12): Too many typos to fix so I'm just leaving them now lol. Added detail.

Edit 5 (7/12): Just because I say I'm slutty and I like sluts, doesn't mean every girl/women who was involved with Bassnectar is a slut. I'm just owning that label to change MY narrative for MYSELF. I really don't think there's anything wrong with being slutty -- it's always the rest of the world that has a problem.

I wrote this stream-of-consciousness, so I wanted to mention that sometimes my statements that involve other women may seem brusque, but I'm on the women's side. I mean to convey disdain for the way Bassnectar treated us (as a secret "harem",) rather than jealousy or annoyance toward the women. I hope it comes off that way, but I don't know who is reading this and how some might interpret my words.

Edit 4 (7/10):

Removed names. A story mentioned in this post wasn’t true. Either just a lie (to make someone look bad,) or I don’t remember it properly ‘cause it’s been so long. If it was my fault: my bad. 

Edit 3 (7/7): 

FIXED SOME TYPOS! 

Edit 2 (7/7):

I like sluts. Stop making us feel bad for wanting love *and sex, too. 

Another thought: Bassnectar probably pursued a relationship with me because I had a boyfriend. Therefore, I would be more secretive and would have to take some of the responsibility and guilt in this situation, too. And that is true. I do feel guilty about the lying and sneaking. I think that it was inevitable that I would break up with my then-boyfriend, but it really wasn’t Bassnectar’s place to accelerate the break-up by giving me the impression that Bassnectar would be my boyfriend instead. This wasn’t friendly advice given to me by someone older, this was tactical. It makes me wonder if a lot of girls/women don’t want to come forward because they are afraid that the truth will come out about their own affairs? 

Don’t be afraid to tell your story because women-hating assholes try to dissect and expose your secrets in an attempt to discredit you! Bassnectar is the one who needs to be exposed for HIS indiscretions -- this is about what HE did wrong.  Edit 1 (7/7): 

- Bassnectar told me that he was coming to NYC and because we had an online relationship, I thought that he was coming to see me. My friend told me today that Gov Ball 2013 was the same weekend, so I think he may have actually been in NYC for that reason (I don’t think he was scheduled to play on the flyer,) but I was delusional about it.  - I removed the screenshot of his phone number from the post because I don’t want to violate any doxx rules. I am still willing to compare this phone number with other women/accusers to corroborate our stories. :)  - This is my story told from my perspective. I was an adult and I’m not posting this with the intent of legal action, or revenge (although I do admit that this relationship was devastating and heartbreaking for me.) I just want people to know what kind of person he is. - My story is not as harrowing as some of the other accusers’, but that doesn’t make it invalid. - Even now, reliving everything hurts me and I wish I could say that it was real, but now that I’m older I am wise enough to know that it was all lies. - I stand with the women who Bassnectar has hurt in similar, or worse, ways.  

----

My relationship was short-lived, but it was so eventful for me that I remember it clearly. I'm mentioning many minuscule details because I think that could help prove the validity of other victims' stories.

Writing in bullet points because it's easier for me to sort through the memories. I'm calling him Bassnectar because the "Lorin" I was talking to is someone that I feel hurt and appalled by now.

• I don't have social media/email screenshots because I deactivated my Facebook and Twitter years ago. Bassnectar asked me specifically to delete our emails because his "girlfriend had caught him" and asked me to get rid of the evidence because she was "demolished." (I will go into a bit more detail about that later on.)  • I don’t have a “smoking gun” that skeptics are looking for, but that’s what happens when someone asks you to keep everything a secret and delete everything that shows you were communicating.

----

• This happened in 2013 over many months, plus Bassnectar texted me a few times about once a year after our "relationship" ended. • I was 22 at the time. I'm from NYC and frequently went to clubs, shows, events, and festivals with my then-boyfriend (who I lived with) & the same group of friends. • Bassnectar was one of our favorite artists and we'd seen him perform several times in several states. • My friends had a private Facebook group where we'd tell each other about shows and make arrangements to travel/meet up/stay over each other's places. • I was very interested in music journalism at the time and occasionally wrote show reviews for my friend's online music magazine. • I actively used Twitter. I basically tweeted at every DJ we liked, and always posted reply screenshots in our private Facebook group to share with my friends. • Things became complicated with my then-boyfriend, but we still lived together. We had recently gotten back together around the first time Bassnectar DM'd me on Twitter.

• Bassnectar responded to a Twitter pic I posted of our mini-fridge with a Bassnectar logo sticker and said that he "liked my fridge" or something. • I screenshotted this and posted it in my group because he was the biggest artist who had responded to me at that point. • I thought I could use this as an opportunity to interview him for my friend's mag. • After I already posted the screenshot in my group and had responded to his DM, he sent another message asking me not to screenshot him because he "hates that." • I deleted the screenshot from the friend Facebook group. I stopped screenshotting and sharing our conversations with my FB group immediately after he asked. • I continued to chat with Bassnectar via Twitter and said that I was a big fan of his merch and that I bought several things at all the shows I've attended. • I asked to interview him at some point in the conversation, and he skirted over the request.  • Instead, he gave me his email (bassnectar2012) and asked me to send him merchandise ideas. • I slapped together a few simple, quick ideas on Photoshop or something and sent them to him.

(I don’t know how to embed a picture on Tumblr lol -- will update.)  • You can see that the image I sent is no big deal, and all the files were similar, but he responded as if they were the greatest things he had ever seen. He definitely made me feel special and talented. • We emailed regularly and relatively frequently for days. • Emails are exchanged back-and-forth and eventually I asked to interview him again and he agreed. • I gave him my number and he called me. My then-boyfriend was aware that I was in contact with Bassnectar, with my original intention of interviewing him. • My then-bf was in the room when Bassnectar called me for the first time. • Bassnectar didn't want to be interviewed; he wanted to get to know me. I agreed to just chat at first. • He told me not to call him Bassnectar because that was his "band" and that I should call him Lorin. • At some point he asked if I had a boyfriend and I told him no, even though things were complicated with my then-bf and we were technically together.       > I know I'm going to be chastised for doing this, but I've learned years ago that I made a bad choice. Honestly, I still wanted an interview, and I am well-known for leading with my sexuality. This is when I started becoming deceitful with my then-partner. Simply put, I was just more enticed by the idea of advancing my career, and eventually the allure of potentially being Bassnectar's girlfriend, so lying seemed best. Just because I’m flawed, too, doesn’t mean Bassnectar did nothing wrong. 

• My then-bf confronted me about not saying that we were together. I felt guilty and the next time I spoke to Bassnectar, I confessed that I was back together with my then-boyfriend and I wasn't single. (I don't remember if it was via text or voice call.) • Bassnectar was upset that I lied, but continued to talk to me nonetheless through text and email.

• He made me feel like my writing was profound and touching, and that we were falling in love. • He would tell me that he wanted to "bring me the sun," or "get me a puppy." He said things that were romantic and poetic and I felt heartened to respond to what I thought was love. • He said he had $10,000 in his mattress and he wanted to get me an apartment in NYC, so I didn't have to live with my then-bf anymore. • He would text me before and sometimes immediately after he played shows then say he was going to sleep by like 12am (typically.) It was easy to keep up with where he was playing via social media.  • He offered to fly me to his show in Red Rocks so I could attend. (I didn't accept.)

• He called me from time-to-time and told me not to tell my then-bf who I was speaking to. • One day he had me call a different phone number, which he said was his "home phone." • He told me a story about a beautiful girl named (removed)? Who he had a falling out with because she mentioned that Bassnectar told her that he didn't like Steve Aoki. (I don't remember that story in detail -- I think he was telling me so I wouldn't tell other people when he talked about other artists.) > Edit (7/10): This person messaged me to say that’s not what actually what happened between them. • One day I was speaking to Bassnectar on the phone and didn't answer when my then-bf called on his way home from college classes (I always answered right away.) He asked who I was speaking to and I admitted "Lorin."

• When I called Bassnectar back, he became annoyed that I told the truth and said that I should tell my then-bf that I meant my girlfriend Lauren instead. • I began to sneak around more, lie more often about who I was speaking to on the phone, and texted or emailed Bassnectar almost every single day. • He said we should skip Camp Bisco 2013 and just spend time together. (Obviously anyone who attended Camp Bisco knows that didn't actually happen lol.) • He was flirtatious, charming, and always offered me tickets to events, or sometimes to fly me to where he was. I didn't accept any of this then.

• He told me that I shouldn't do any drugs, not even smoke weed. All of my friends were casually experimenting back then, and I was equally as candid as I am now about everything I did. He told me not to do drugs at his shows, or any shows, and especially not around guy friends. • Me and my friends traveled to see a show in Philly and stayed with friends. When I texted saying I was mostly with guys (my friend group was mostly guys at the time,) he asked if I "felt safe" and offered to get me a hotel. I thought it was unusual because I always felt very protected by my male friends. • He told me that I shouldn't hang out with guy friends, or have guy friends at all. • He told me that guy friends all wanted to sleep with me and I didn't realize it. • He told me I should eat healthier and exercise regularly -- it was very weird and controlling. He just didn’t want me to be myself.  • He told me that he had a girlfriend who had two abortions. I think because we were talking about relationships?  • He told me that he grew up in a hippie commune and was Christian and he questioned his priest and that his mom was a poet laureate. It just seemed like he wanted me to get to know him at the time. • He told me I was co-dependent with my boyfriend and that I needed to become independent and move out. • He told me I should make lists of my life goals as an independent person and email it to him. • He told me not to tell anyone about us talking. I told all of my girl friends, but it was a "girl code" situation and none of the guys or my then-bf knew what was going on. • We talked A LOT and often, but all of this only happened in a matter of months.

• Time passes and our emotional affair eventually becomes physically intimate when he says that he is going to fly to NYC. This is JUNE 2013! He played at Electric Zoo 2013, but that wasn't until Labor Day, so I'm not sure why he really needed to go to NYC, but it definitely wasn't for a show because me and my friends would have been there. > NOTE (7/7): My friend read this and mentioned that Gov Ball 2013 was the weekend before, so there is a good chance that Bassnectar was already in NYC for some reason and didn't actually come to see me personally like I was led to believe. lol.

• He alleged that he would see me again around Labor Day when he came back for EZoo, too.

• I am from Staten Island, and wasn't totally familiar with Manhattan's layout at the time, but I think that the hotel he was staying at was in Midtown. It's been 7 years since this happened, but I tried my damnedest today to figure out exactly which hotel it was -- there are soo many in that area alone.  • If Bassnectar says any of this isn't true, then he's lying because there will definitely be a plane ticket or something with his name on it to NYC in JUNE 2013. > NOTE (7/7): I thought he was there to see me specifically, so the dates he told me was staying in NYC are probably not 100% accurate, but there is definitely some proof somewhere on his end that he came to NYC for whatever reason. The lies he told me are just coverup to make me lose credibility if this ever came out. 

• He said he had a hotel for three days. I think it was a Mon-Wed? I took off work those days so I could see him everyday that he said he would be in NYC. If he has no record of checking into a hotel around the time I'm citing, then his manager probably did it for him. I believe his name is Carlos. (I'm going by the memory of what Bassnectar told me.)

• Bassnectar met me in person at the Staten Island Ferry (Manhattan side) and we walked to Battery Park and sat on a bench and talked. • I felt extremely shy and awkward because I knew that by meeting up in-person, I had given up with my now-ex. The whole thing was conflicting and unfair to so many people, but it was too late now. • Bassnectar frequently complimented me in person. He said things like, he was dying to smell my neck, that he loved my wrists because they were delicate like a bird's frame.  • He said that he felt self-conscious that he would be recognized because he's used to being recognized in crowds. • He would pet and caress me, but didn't try to kiss me in public. • He told me that he got his hair washed at a hair salon and he gave the hair dresser a ($50 or $100?) tip and looked in the window to see her reaction and she was crying because she was so happy.  • He convinced me to go back to his hotel. We took a cab there. It didn't take that long, which is why I'm convinced it was Midtown. He never told me which hotel it was, but I didn't realize it was actually because he didn't want a trail back to him. I guess it worked.

(I'm about to get very detailed about my memories, so trigger warning for making people feel uncomfortable.)

• When we got to his hotel, he became physical with me very quickly, but he said he wouldn't kiss me first. That I had to do it first. So I did. • It progressed into kissing, cuddling, him touching me all over in bed with our clothes on. He dirty-talked a lot. I also remember that he moaned and grunted a lot, and I wasn't used to any of that. • At one point, I untied his hair and let it down and he joked that I was making sure he was really Bassnectar and not his assistant that I was meeting. • He told me about his go-go dancer friend who had fake boobs. I can't remember why. • I remember him kissing me against the wall, and he said something like, I want to fuck you against the wall and hold you up with only my dick. It was way too specific to forget. (It didn't happen, though.) • We inevitably had full-on sex after the on/off touching/kissing/talking. • He said he didn't want to wear a condom at first, but he thought he should. We did, but it felt like a test to see what I would say. • I remember that he wanted me to have an orgasm, and I instructed him which position worked best for me. • He orgasmed by having sex with me from behind and asked me to look back at him. I remember him draping his long hair over my back. How could I forget that? -_- • One of my girl friends texted me ("How are you plants doing?" was our code phrase) to check in and make sure I was okay because she knew where I was. It was monumental for me, so I told her it was great. • I sat on his lap while he looked at his laptop. • We had these deep conversations about life, and love, and the future and it seemed so real to me at the time. • I remember that I told him I was unsure if we could be boyfriend/girlfriend because he was so much older than me (I think he was 35 at the time?) • He told me about about a girl he loved named X who was also around my age. I didn't think it was that weird because I was convinced he still really liked me best, but he probably had so many "Xs" and I was just another one. • At some point, he commented on Facebook (or Twitter?) in response to someone saying he was Illuminati. Honestly, it was like we were two people hanging out because of how normal everything felt after the sexual tension was gone. 

• I remember having dinner with him at the restaurant across the street and talking about wanting to be a writer and he said I CAN'T WRITE ABOUT HIM EVER. (So it wasn't normal after all.)

• I remember, back at the hotel, he asked me perverted questions like, can you show me how you make yourself orgasm? He asked me to just demonstrate on his hand so he knew what to do next time. • I don't remember much more because I wasn't planning to stay. • My other girl friend had a job interview that day and we decided to meet at the ferry to take it home together. • On my way out, he walked me to the elevator and he gave me $50 to take a cab to the ferry and to use for a cab when I came back to see him tomorrow. (For my fellow New Yorkers who doubt this story, no, that wasn't enough fare for both trips, so the amount is definitely the truth lol.)

• I went to see Bassnectar again the next day. When I asked him for the hotel address or name, he wouldn't give it to me directly. He said it was because of people stalking him or something. I don't fucking know but it was obvious confusing bullshit and I think he gave me an address that was about a block away. I think he even said he would tell the cab driver the address over the phone. There was a lot of runaround to avoid saying the exact address. (Now the reason why seems obvious.)  • My details are a bit fuzzy at this point because I remember meeting him outside the hotel and going up together, but I forget why we met outside and why we were both confused about which street the other person was standing on. • We went up to the hotel room, he worked on music on his laptop, while I sat on his lap and read Trainspotting on my Kindle. • He let me listen to what he was working on, but I don't remember it. I just remember that he was working with female vocals. • He told me he had to meet his guy friend in Williamsburg because his friend was making him lobster. Looking back, it was probably another girl.

• I asked to stay because I wanted to spend more time with him. I texted my now-ex-bf (who I still lived with) that I was staying with my friend. • Bassnectar said that normally he would say no, but for some reason he agreed and left me in the room with the room key and all his stuff. He either really trusted me, or really trusted how much control he had over me to leave me with his laptop. • I left at one point to get pizza, and came back. I watched TV, but couldn't sleep. He got back some hours later and he was drunk off wine, but I just wanted to cuddle and sleep. • He jokingly thanked me for not stealing his things. • Apparently Bassnectar DOESN'T cuddle and made that a point, but he did sleep in bed with me for a bit, before moving to the other bed in the middle of the night. (There were two beds in this hotel room.) • For anyone else who had sleepovers with Bassnectar, you know that he sleeps with his own fans for the white noise. So we slept in separate beds with his own personal fans on. It was all very bizarre. • We didn't have sex this day at all.

• The next morning I went to Duane Reade while he was still sleeping so I could get toiletries and shower since the sleepover was impromptu. • He had a meeting with someone (manager?) who was supposedly coming to stay in the room later that evening? (It was probably another girl though? idk)

• When he got back, he made me go over the list of accomplishments and goals he asked me to email to him. • He told me that I shouldn't be worried about finding someone to be in love with and it should be a lower priority on my list. • He told me that I should get a job at a restaurant or American Apparel or something and get a shitty starter apartment with only girls. • He said that finding an apartment that was pet-friendly shouldn't be a priority at all. I had a pet cat so if I moved out, that meant I would have to leave my cat behind, but that didn't matter to him. • He told me that if I wanted a serious boyfriend, I shouldn't let him see my legs or have sex with him for a long time. • When he finished life-coaching me, we watched a movie together. • He chose Spring Breakers because he was supposedly asked to do the musical score for it and turned it down (that's what he told me.) • At one point in the movie, Vanessa Hudgens jokingly gestures to her friends that she's giving a blowjob, and Bassnectar said he "didn't understand why girls sucked dick." • We had sex once more, more quickly than the first time and with much less romance. I can't remember much because I just remember feeling sad about leaving soon and like he was blowing me off suddenly. • We took a shower together after.

• I packed up my stuff and before I left he gave me $1000 in cash without warning and told me I could use it to help put a down payment for an apartment or something, but I should pay him back because it would be "good for me."    > Looking back, when he left for a short while that    morning, it was probably to take out cash to give    me when I left. • He didn't walk me to the elevator this time and he sat on his laptop while I left feeling very cheap, stupid, and crushed.

• Time passes and we talk less and less. I'm heartbroken, but still make moves to find a job and move out of my ex's ASAP. • I email Bassnectar a diatribe saying I'm feeling hurt and abandoned. I say that I felt betrayed that he made me think we were essentially going to be together after I left my boyfriend and it turned out to be all lies. • I'm having lunch with friends when he calls me and is angry saying that he told me what I should do to make my life better and that he can't just give me a job or do anything for me and that I need to do things for myself. • My friends walk over to the car where I'm on the phone and when I say I'm ready to go, he asks who I'm speaking to and I say, "my friends." • He yells at me and asks why I'm talking to him on the phone when my friends are around (he asked if he could call and I said it was okay, I didn't know we were supposed to be alone.) I tell him I will call him back. • I text him and ask to call back and his mood flipped and he's suddenly super kind and apologetic and tells me he just wants me to be independent. He reminds me that I'M the one who told HIM that he was too old for me and we can't be boyfriend and girlfriend. • I am heartbroken all over again, but I move on with my life and move out within the next month or so.

> I actually did get a waitressing job as per his suggestion and saved money from that + the grocery store I already worked at and moved to BK by August 2013. I didn't use the money he gave me at first because I thought it was a reason for us to see each other again, and I was afraid to spend it in case I couldn't earn enough to pay him back by the time I saw him. (I never saw him again, though.) > In case you're wondering, I did spend it eventually when I started to resent him for blowing me off.

• I speak to Bassnectar very rarely, and only via text. He doesn't call anymore, even when I ask. • One day while I'm at work, he sends me a video of a beach he's supposedly vacationing at. • When we DO speak, he asks for nudes, usually. • When I send them, he says he feels guilty since “he has a girlfriend” and that we should stop. • Contact is so infrequent, when we catch up about my life, he gets annoyed if I mention I'm seeing any guys, but I never think he really cares because he stopped caring about me a long time ago. (If he ever did at all.)

• I still tried for months to maintain any kind of relationship with him because I truly thought we had something special, but he was always too busy for me. It fucking sucked because he was always in the back of my mind now that I was *~independent~* like he said he wanted me to be so many times.

• One random day when I was too busy to chat with him, I remember he actually DID call me because he said he lost a sound file and wanted me to record myself saying "I really like it." A few times to use on a track. I guess I took too long to get back bc 15 mins later, he texted to say he got it from someone else. I couldn't do it anyway because I was dealing with some other personal stuff. I forgot about it soon after. • I didn't listen to the album NSVB for a long time after it came out bc I was still hurt, but when I did.... I heard that fucking sound bite in whatever song it's on (I really don't care to know) and it fucked me up. • I was conflicted thinking, shit, did I blow my last chance for "us" ? I was still hung up on this asshole as if he were just some ex because of that emotional manipulation. • Would that have solidified what we supposedly had? Or would that have just been another way he used me? I began to resent him.

• Fast forward a few months and I'm drunk with my girl friend at home and text Bassnectar for the lols. I say that I should ask him for tickets to BASSLIGHTS 2013 in VA to make up for him being such an asshole. • Surprisingly he agrees on the condition that I only go with girl friends, don't do any drugs, and say that the Tix are left for me because I interviewed him. (Don't forget that no interview ever happened!)

• Before Basslights, he texts me and even asks me what songs he should play and I don't realize he's just stringing me along. Presumably it was just another plot to hook up. • Before we leave for VA, my friend who is driving admits that one of her OTHER friends secretly knows Bassnectar so we might be able to get into some party or backstage. Sooooo I guess she was another one of his "harem" that he was having a secret relationship with. (I don't mean anything negative towards that girl/woman, just that Bassnectar probably saw us this way and was playing *at least* the two of us at this time.) • My friends and I drive from NYC to VA and miss Bassnectar's set the first night because we arrived late, but the Tix were waiting for me at the box office. • If you get Bassnectar's guest list for Basslights 2013, my real name is on there. I'm sure a lot of other girls he manipulated are on there, too. • Bassnectar texts me and asks what I think of the show and I say I missed it. • He says he was thinking of me a lot during the show. • He texts me saying I should let him "vroom vroom in my girl power." Obviously he's alluding to sex, and I show the text to the friend who was at my place when I asked him for the Tix. He won't send a cab to get me at my hotel when I say sure, though, because he "has a girlfriend" again and he would feel bad. Maybe he was annoyed that I missed his set, maybe he picked someone else, maybe he actually was with his gf? Whatever. • I told him I didn't feel comfortable texting like that anymore because he said he had a gf. • He tells me I'm a good person.

• I am so hurt that I don't answer his texts at all anymore. • We go to Basslights night 2 and I get suuuuper fucked up with my friends (because fuck him) and have an awesome time and disassociate Bassnectar from his controlling bullshit. • I ignore him all the way back to NYC and just text to say I'm home. • He sends me an URGENT text saying that his gf suddenly found out about his gross infidelity and begs me to please delete all of our emails and texts. • I'm stupid and kind and fucking over him so I do it. He knew I would because he knew I was too nice of a person not to. • Bye bye evidence, though. :(  I regret deleting those emails even now because I knew this misconduct shit would come out eventually with him.

• LOTS OF TIME PASSES. Now and again, Bassnectar would text me just to say what's up and I'd barely respond. This only happened approximately once a year. • I'm pretty sure this was just to make sure he was on my good side and there wasn't a chance that I was going to expose him. • I think the last time he texted me first was all the way back in 2016.

• The last few times we spoke were when he had a cancer scare and I texted to say sorry. • When I went to Moonrise Festival, I asked if we could meet and he blew me off. It's been so long, I didn't really expect him to say yes, but it was worth a try. • When me and my friends went to Electric Zoo and he closed, I texted him saying that we couldn't hear well from where we stood and left early. I think he was offended because he replied saying that no one else complained. • The last time I spoke to him, I knew he was playing at an event near me and asked for tickets again so I could see him and he said he would be with his girlfriend. It was a one-off thing and I thought it was worth the try. •There were no cordial conversations in-between the times I contacted him at all. Just me being lonely and single and still hanging on to this idyllic version of him that never fucking existed in the first place. 

• I'm much older now and I know that a lot of this happened because of choices I made, but I was 22, starstruck, in a confusing relationship, partying, and desperate for an ethereal love that I sought in that music scene.

• I bet Bassnectar specifically targeted girls like me because (at least in my case) I was depressed, pumped full of mind-altering chemicals, pretty, and lonely. He acted like I was a unique, artistic, lost soul and he made me believe that he was the only one who could save me.

• At 22, you don't realize that a man 13+ years older than you shouldn't be asking you to keep your conversations a secret from everyone, asking you for nudes, asking you to lie to/break up with your boyfriend, inviting you to hotels, offering you gifts, and straight up giving you cash that you didn't ask for.

• But that man DEFINITELY knows he's doing something wrong, otherwise he wouldn't be sharing that hush money with you, or asking you to hide and delete everything.

• Because he would text me once in a while saying something like, "You cross my mind all the time," it would be enough for me to hang on to this hope that *maybe* there was still a chance. I couldn't see that it was just another manipulation tactic that worked well on me because I was still feeling the effect of the emotional annihilation from so long ago. :(

• I loathe how he made me feel for so long and it breaks my heart to know that there are so many other girls who were taken advantage of in worse ways by this egotistical LIAR in his position of power. Seriously, Bassnectar, fuck you.

ALSO: not sure if this was his burner phone or what, but here are the last two digits of the # he always contacted me with (sent in the DM). If any other victims want to corroborate by comparing numbers... Let me know.

(I REMOVED THE SCREENSHOT OF THE PHONE NUMBER IN CASE IT VIOLATES ANY DOX RULES, BUT I CAN SEND IT TO YOU DIRECTLY IF YOU ARE CONTACT WITH ME!) :)

---

[jq37]

Let's go final bloodkeep ep breakdown!

**spoilers for the tomb of ultimate evil**

I was originally kind of annoyed that dropout wasn’t working when I wanted to do this originally, but it’s actually kind of a blessing in disguise now that I think about it because it means I get to rewatch and discuss the ep in light of the bombshells Brennan dropping in the BTS video.

As I watch the Previouslies, I realize I’m still not over the fact that Maggie named her kid after Leiland. It was so sweet an unexpected. 

So, at the start of this episode, Brennan must have realized that his plans are pretty much jossed because the 4 baby blessing was *very* not on the docket  

“Absolutely, Lilith’s got 25 strength.” Idk why that’s so funny to me. Maybe because I think Rekha was asking whether Lilith was allowed to carry her, not if she was physically cable but Brennan was like “Of course she can carry you. She’s an absolute unit.”

Leiland’s first move? Drawing all the enemy fire. Markus’s first move? Immediately hiding. In fairness, my dude is a rogue.

Lol, spiderweb baby bjorn.

“We’re evil but we understand communication and consent.”

Nat 20 from Old Pickering! Finally he’s useful!

Watch a bitch call lightning! A different bitch, but still.

Amy’s childish delight at the prospect that there might be a bomb in the goblins is so good.

I love how on board everyone was for the mystery potion.

Did Hork exist before this episode? I have no memory of him existing.

Nat 20 for Sohkbar!

Brennan is really so good at all of his on the cuff J'er'em'ih nonsense.

Erika yelling, “Sanctuary!” a la Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I like that Lilith calls her spider kids to defend them by going, “Get ‘em ladies!” and then Brennan decides one of the kids she summoned is Jason.

“I really am sorry. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done…and everything I’m about to do.”

Leiland Jr. MVP!

I love that Lilith treat’s Sohkbar as if he’s also a parent.

Two words I’ve learned to fear since I’ve started watching RPG shows: Lair action.

Leiland just BARELY not being on the falling chunk of floor.

Brennan really faked me out on that Jason fall. Man really was about to make me cry over a fictional spider for the SECOND TIME in my life (Charlotte’s Web).

I love Erika screaming over Jason in and out of character separately.

“Guys, this is our element! Knocking people off of things!”

Leiland’s affirmations. Who is doing counseling at the Bloodkeep.

AOE spells are so boss.

“Everyone look at Leiland! He’s doing it!” Aww, everyone finally gets to see him be cool! It’s really wild how much of an arc these guys went through in just 2 days of play. It’s very narratively consistent.

“Oh you fucking freak, you’d love that.”

“Tell him something is gonna happen to his bones but don’t explain it.”

Rekha loudly announcing her ridic amount of hitpoints is on of my fave things

I love how in both campaigns so far, Brennan has had a moment of, “You’re not bad at magic, you’re just depressed.” What an oddly specific thing but also, relateable.

Cell Block Tango ft. Leiland.

Leiland curses one of the Vingury. I’m sure that won’t be important later (I’m lying).

Ify/Markus just refusing to learn Hobbert and Frod’s names.

 Ify: *Trying to do a shenanigan*

Brennan: I see what’s happening here.

DOOR LORE. DOOR LORE. DOOR LORE.

So I guess the real lesson of this season of D20 is always commit to your running jokes because you’ll get free nonsense out of it. (A 19! That’s so painful!)

Jessa just straight eats not-Gollum.

Both Jason and Jessa are very protective of their mom and I love it.

Maggie All elves look the same. (Maggie said F elf rights)

The full 6 seconds of silence from Matt between his saying  he loves J'er'em'ih more than any other animal companion and looking directly at the camera and saying, “Except for Trinket,” very seriously.

Amy: I must become the necro boatman.

Brennan, whose plans have now been entirely womped: :O.

I truly didn’t even consider attacking the boatman. I feel like this is such a good DM moment, because I feel like my reaction would have been, “That’s not how this works,” but Bren just let it happen, which is better both for the story and player agency. I’m taking notes.  

Efink getting validation on her chosen name by the evil statues.

“Kick his ass and you get the power!”

“I’m like a setpiece, not like a guy!”

Sohkbar claims the baby as his ward. This baby is gonna have so many godparents.

“MY DAD SHIT IN A BAG?”

What a wild improv.

I love the ancient evil statues have Lilith’s back on the fact that she should have gotten the promotion.

When Leiland Jr was born Brennan was like, “He’s not gonna do much. He’s a baby.” One ep later this baby is taking turns and fireblasting enemies and talking like he’s the Godfather.

OK so there’s a lair action. Leiland rolls a NAT ONE to not plummet into the Bloodkeep. Brennan clearly is ready to bring out the ghost figurines we saw in the BTS.

The statue Lilith JUST got the blessing from falls which means if she hadn’t gotten it that turn, they would have been screwed. Sidenote: Brennan says it was an instant lose condition for them which is part of why I was surprised that this wasn’t his plan to begin with. He just readjusted everything on the fly and set new parameters. What a good, confidence projecting, quick thinking DM.

It’s Leiland’s turn. He is once again falling to his doom. This time, without the bossa nova music and soothing apathy because he actually has something to live for.

AND HE USES HIS HEX TO TELEPORT TO THE VINGURY HE HEXED BEFORE.

It was JUST close enough. And he almost cursed Olag instead! That decision saved his undead ass!

I love that Leiland is Uncle Leiland to Jason! And later Jessa calls Efink Aunt Efink.  I wanna see evil Thanksgiving so bad.

“You’re really killing it today Leiland!” My boy finally getting the praise he deserves. (Also, wild that this is all still THE SAME DAY)

“oKAY, okay, OKAY, oKay.” –Brennan having a moment

“You wanted us to play evil characters but we’re actually playing evil players.”

Man this episode is truly how Leiland got his groove back, huh?

Boatman rolls a 4 to resist fear. Go Leiland!

“I take off my mask to reveal…I’m sexy as fuck.”

Everyone including the evil statue is hot for Markus.

“Shut the fuck up, Olag. Go kill yourself.” Maggie just has no patience for nonsense (that’s not the kind of nonsense she enjoys anyway).

“Do I take psychic damage from that?”

Lilith gets a nat 20!

Maggie, upon Leiland calling her 'my queen’ for the second time: Just call me Maggie, please.

“THAT’S AN ABILITY  J'ER'EM'IH  HAS?”/“I guess.”

“Lilith, you’re my girl! Lilith, my girl!” They grab hands over the table. It’s such a pure moment.

Brennan after they kill the Boatman: I mean, fuck me I guess.

Leiland goes down. Leiland Jr. goes, “Nah, get up, you’re fine,” and he gets back up. (Brennan at this point has clearly fully leaned in to the direction his players dragged him).

Leiland comes back as Leiland the White. And I just realized! That’s the ghost figurine! I thought that was the figure Bren got for when Leiland inevitably completed his story arc. No! It was the figure for in case Leiland DIED.

Leiland FONZES at Leiland Jr.

Nat 20 from Maggie to avoid falling into the Bloodkeep!

Leiland lets Markus convince him to not kill Olag (for future shenanigans). Leiland instead owns Toby and rolls a 29 to convince Oswald back onto their side. Toby also comes as a zombie on their side. Everything’s coming up Leiland!

Except no, he goes back down immediately and falls face first into the blood pool.

OK, check it. Markus bargains with one of the evil statues to make Olag alive and undead for eternity. The statue is kinda on board but wants to make a trade. Markus basically goes, “Watch this,” and STEPS INTO THE VOID.

Go back and watch Amy’s reaction. It’s so genuinely shocked and concerned. Matt’s is good too.

Sidenote: That is apropos of nothing goal wise. He just wanted to torture Olag.

Maggie gets the final blessing with a quiet, heartfelt speech Brennan doesn’t even make her roll for. The statue tries to get her to put in a good word w/ her dad for it and steps all over the moment.

Ify, about to pull out shenanigans part two, electric boogaloo: I never got a chance to attack on my turn.

He attacks himself and warps back up!

Amy: Is that how you play a rogue????

Why sneak attack damage? Can you sneak attack yourself?

“You’re a liar!”/“I’m a rogue.” Beautiful.

We’re evil!

Oswald dies and Leiland comes back! Hexing Oswald really panned out for him

“It’s all spiders from here!” I wanna start saying that.

Efink cancels out a nat 20 on Sohkbar!

Lilith telling her kids to go find safety is a small thing but sweet.

“You know you live near Goblin Island and you always say you’re gonna visit.”

Markus swashbuckles over to the bloodkeep before he falls. Leiland is ready to jump his bones.

Nat 20 from Leiland! Is that his first one?

AND THEN HE ROLLS TWO NAT ONES!

Classic Leiland.

I love that Leiland is pro J'er'em'ih now.

John Feathers comes back for the epilogue. Rehka is more excited than anyone.

Lilith is voted queen regent of Gorgar! Go girl! And Jessa opens her fashion firm while Jason sets out to the forest. Good for them.

Scream beast babies!

And little Leiland asks big Leiland to get him the head of Galfast Hamhead! Full circle, I love it.

OK so Brennan said this and he was right. Leiland and Maggie have such a wild ass arc. She goes being “that whore” in ep 1 (idr what he actually called her but that’s the vibe he gave off) to “my queen” in episode 6. And like, man. Imagine planning a game where the goal is to lead the players into a PvP free for all and, instead, the only two characters with a legit grievance mend fences so much that one names their child after the other and that one swears fealty to that mom and her child. Imagine failing so hard at your original goal. Wow.

Anyway, that’s it for Bloodkeep! Thanks for hanging in there for me to write this up! I want to say something about the teaser for T.U.S. too but I’ll save that for another post. 

Sidenote: So Matt has been on D20 and Brennan has been on Naddpod. I think this means Brennan or Murph gets to be on Critical Role now. I’m a lawyer and I’m pretty sure that’s how the law works. 

[sir-adamus]

So a lot of people seem to think the gods are good, or at least can't be judged because 'gods' or that at least the GoL is good and also that they are all wise, all powerful and at best only limit themselves to respect the free will of their creations and that at most defiant the series might have Ruby telling the gods they don't have the right to judge them or something. What's your take, on the gods in general and their potential narrative role & Scope of powers ETC?

i think a lot of the reason people think the gods are ‘good’ is for the same reason they think Ozpin ‘did nothing wrong’ (ie, because they’d rather blame a woman for everything). but they’re outright confirmed in the commentary to be based on Greek gods (famously abusive bastards) and Miles outright calls the God of Darkness an asshole

and they can absolutely be judged, the gods are by and large absolute bastards and just because they’re gods doesn’t mean they can’t (or shouldn’t) be held accountable for their awful actions just because they have a twisted sense of morality (it’s them who can’t judge humanity; they’ve got the power to destroy living, sapient beings who are just existing at any given moment for the pettiest of reasons, and they think they have the right to make that call)

and the God of Light isn’t remotely wise, otherwise he would’ve actually helped Salem with her grief instead of going “get over it lol” and then throwing a temper tantrum when she tried to convince his brother to help instead (a brother he actively mistreats while convincing him they’re equals - “oh yes brother, we are equals and created humanity together, now go back to your gross hole where they hate and despise you so they can keep adoring me” like he clearly has more power and influence over humanity than his brother does - to the point that the latter is genuinely surprised and touched that Salem came to visit him and was willing to break the agreed upon rules just as a favour to her)

‘wise’ gods wouldn’t get pissy the moment people stopped having faith in them and rage quitting (which the God of Light was obviously cool with - and then went behind his brother’s back to break the rule that caused this mess in the first place by bringing Oz back to life specifically for the purpose of summoning the gods back to Remnant to hang that sword of damocles back over their heads and phrasing it like he’s doing humanity a favour), ‘wise’ gods would actually value their creations autonomy and not treat this whole thing as an amusing experiment that they’re done playing with when their toys are too smart for them

and like, the God of Darkness’s parting words to Salem was “Still demanding things of your creators?” like, that’s such an abusive parent line! and this whole shit started because Salem was horribly abused by her father (oh yeah and the God of Light obviously already knew about that because he didn’t need context to know who Salem wanted him to resurrect, so he also apparently has more power than his brother - namely omniscience - yeah some equal partnership, and he also did nothing about that, some good guy) and understandably didn’t know how to deal with grief and the parting shot she gets (before she’s crushed by a chunk of the moon and left to wander the planet for eons, unable to even die) is that reminder of her father? yeah, they’re clearly the good guys who can be reasoned with - hell Salem’s whole gambit was banking on how fallible they actually were (a fact they really didn’t want humanity to know, apparently, given how the response was to kill everyone; they’re clearly not as all powerful as they pretend to be, even if they are major threats)

and like, why on earth would the heroes stop at Salem? someone who is only the way she is because of how she was mistreated time and again until she snapped (because let’s face it, none of that would be good for anyone’s sanity), and then when the people who put her in that position show up the heroes go “nah you guys are chill”? how does that make sense?

on top of that, it’s actively ignoring the inspirations that RWBY takes - this series is so blatantly inspired and influenced by JRPGs like Final Fantasy, and in those games, if there are gods, they will end up showing up, they will be bastards, and you will end up killing them because fuck the destiny they’ve written - it doesn’t make sense to treat that level of threat as ‘too big to handle’ and so just... not actually dealing with having those shitheads around; especially when the thesis statement of the show is that anything is possible when you work together

[getoffthesoapbox]

[SW:TLJ] First Impressions - A Flawed Triumph

After a few days of careful consideration, I’ve decided to divide my initial review of The Last Jedi into multiple parts for clarity and ease of reading. I have only seen the film once at this time, and these are my initial impressions. Once I see it again, any future impressions or predictions will be covered at that time separately. This series of posts is solely to cover my initial thoughts about the movie.

To keep from overwhelming anyone’s dash, I’ll be posting one impression a day until they’re finished. A list of upcoming titles and where we are in the series can be found below:

[SW:TLJ] First Impressions - A Flawed Triumph ← we are here

[SW:TLJ] First Impressions - The Thematic Heart

[SW:TLJ] First Impressions - Finn & Rose

[SW:TLJ] First Impressions - Luke & Rey

[SW:TLJ] First Impressions - Luke & Kylo

[SW:TLJ] First Impressions - Luke & Leia

[SW:TLJ] First Impressions - Rey’s Trajectory

[SW:TLJ] First Impressions - Kylo’s Trajectory

[SW:TLJ] First Impressions - Rey & Kylo

[SW:TLJ] First Impressions - The Romantic Heart

[SW:TLJ] First Impressions - Misleading Love Polygons

[SW:TLJ] First Impressions - Schrödinger's Futures

The remainder of this first behemoth can be found under the cut. We’ll slay the rest in due course =)

Before I get into the narrative and the themes and the character development, I’d like to cover the more technical aspects of the film, the way it was constructed, and my general impressions from the initial viewing. Be warned, this is my significant complaints post; the remainder of this series will have some nitpicks, but on the whole my impression of the film was quite good, despite how bleak it is. ;)

The Last Jedi is on an objective level a mixed bag filmmaking-wise. There are some aspects that are positively stunning and some aspects that are disappointingly amateur for a director with such a fine reputation.

Prior to TLJ I’d never seen any of Rian Johnson’s work, but he appears to be well-respected in many corners of the internet, and I was hopeful that he could not only make up for the concerns I had about JJ Abrams as a director for The Force Awakens but also bring something new and original to the franchise. This I believe he did do, but in a haphazard fashion that isn’t entirely a credit to his talent.

Let’s start with cinematography. Many shots in the film are absolutely stunning and will probably be remembered by Star Wars fans long after the flaws are forgiven. The sweeping, epic location sequences are particularly notable--especially the Crait scenes. The Red Room sequence is Oscar-worthy in my opinion, despite some questionable editing choices in certain parts. The final sequence with Luke facing the sunset is unbelievably poignant and heart wrenching. The shot of Luke walking in on Rey and Kylo burned itself into my eyes like some of the best scenes of classic movies. The shot of Kylo and Luke facing each other down would go straight to the heart of anyone who loves westerns or samurai films. There is so much to love here in the cinematography. There is a great attention to detail in many scenes--especially on Ach-to--where you get the sense of life being greater than the characters and moving on in spite of their shenanigans, which is in my opinion a wonderful touch.

Unfortunately, there’s quite a bit that fails to meet the mark as well. Having seen only one of Rian’s films, I can’t speak for his general style, but my impression of his focus is that he has a knack for action and long establishing shots, but he has a tough time capturing relationships. Worse, this is a relationship film, not an action film. Relationships are one of JJ’s strengths, and despite TFA’s flaws (which are many), JJ was able to capture the charm of the characters with just the right framing, distance, and shot choices. Rian seems to struggle with this, especially in the pivotal Rey and Kylo scenes that are the heart of the story. Perhaps he hasn’t had much experience with crafting compelling relationships, which is JJ’s forte, or perhaps he merely choked due to the overwhelming responsibility of a film like this, but in a film where these two have to be sold as a compelling, growing relationship, this is a significant and unfortunate flaw that I find hard to overlook.

In general with romantic scenes, you want very little confusion, very little cutting, and room for the viewer to absorb what’s going on before you start moving in to close ups and building intimacy. With Rian’s Kylo and Rey scenes, we get the opposite, which works fine for the first force bond moment (meant to be disorienting for both the characters and the viewer), but not necessarily for the later ones. I found the scenes slightly disorienting, which made it hard to follow pivotal dialogue and fully comprehend the wonderful emotional nuance the two actors’ were clearly displaying in their performances. I realize Rian didn’t have much time to explore everything he wanted to in the film, but I didn’t feel the Poe scenes with Holdo were nearly as jarring as the Kylo and Rey force connection scenes. We really needed more time and lingering shots to help catch our brains up with the breakneck pace of the information being exchanged between the characters. On top of this, many of the shots are too busy and distract from the important interactions happening between the characters. Rian seems to have been trying to cram so much into the film in every shot that he didn’t know what he should emphasize and what he should downplay in certain pivotal points.

This brings me to Rian’s greatest flaws in this film, and the items that to me mark him as unprepared to enter the big leagues--the pacing is poor and the music cues are underwhelming and dull. In a blockbuster film like TLJ, we should not have these issues; these are a mark of an independent filmmaker who hasn’t figured the magic out yet. The viewer is given whiplash as we race between four plotlines (A, B, C and Darkside), never taking a moment to breathe or rest. Even TFA, a briskly paced film if ever I saw one, took its time to breathe and absorb the scenery or allow us to drink in the characters’ emotions. In TLJ, we zip through character deaths, zip through Rey and Kylo interacting, zip through Poe and Holdo, zip through Finn and Rose, zip back to Luke and Rey, onward and upward. We’re never in one location long enough to get a grip on it and get into it; the moment things get interesting, we cut away to another plot without fully delving into what these interesting moments mean for the characters.

What’s interesting is that this breakneck pacing, because it’s used in every scene of the film, actually deflates the effect of the battle scenes, which is where such pacing should be emphasized! The battles in TLJ feel oddly stilted, slow, and awkward with no tension and no stakes despite what the narrative implies. There’s one distinct moment where the First Order’s just hanging out watching the Resistance while the Resistance members are having a group chat and not fighting them! It’s the classic “villain stands and waits politely while the heroes get their shit together and transform” moment. My only answer to that was a facepalm in the theatre. The final battles are embarrassing--we have this wonderful initial set up of the new walkers moving in, and then we get this bizarre cannon (whose beam Finn is able to drive into without being incinerated, answer me that one), and rather than doing anything with them, they just sit there the entire film and attack single characters. Truly Rian’s heart was not in this part of the story, and it shows.

The slapdash editing doesn’t give John Williams enough time to work with to create compelling themes for the film, unlike what we received from him in TFA. This soundtrack is sparse and dead. It relies solely on the nostalgia factor of short snippets of music from the original trilogy. The most interesting song is the Canto Bight theme, and we only get to hear it for about a minute before we’re arrested and shuffled off to another dingy location where the sound design is forgettable! It’s a complete travesty when compared to the glory and beauty of the TFA soundtrack, where we received Kylo’s and Rey’s themes and compelling new resistance motifs all remixed throughout the film. For there to be nothing new for the Kylo and Rey sequences, or for the Finn and Rose sequences, or even for the Poe sequences is a travesty and one of the greatest flaws in the film as far as I’m concerned. At the very least Kylo and Rey should have had a new variant on the Force Theme to symbolize their connection, not a rehash of the same theme that was Luke’s! For goodness’ sake. I’m deeply hurt that the gorgeous, beautiful themes from the second trailer didn’t make an appearance in the film. It’s nothing but a shame when the best piece of music is a custom-made trailer theme that never receives its due in the film proper. This is one area where I’ll be glad to have JJ back in the final film--at the very least the man knows how to direct properly for sound.

And last, and probably least in that it’s far more forgivable, Rian just couldn’t resist the cheese. The two scenes I found the most laughable in the whole film--and they should not have been given their importance and narrative weight--were Space Leia and Rey vs. Snoke. I’ve never been a fan of asian flying films, but most of those were far better done than these two bizarre flying characters. What a disgrace to Leia’s legacy and to Rey’s importance. There were many other ways to make Snoke a terrifying character without having him fly Rey about the room in an awkward CGI manner, and the less said about Space Leia the better.

My complaints aside, let it not be said that there is nothing of value in this film. What Rian fails in pacing and musical timing, he more than makes up for with set design and color scheme. The red theme in key scenes is mind blowing. The salt flats are some of the most memorable locations I’ve seen in a film in a long time. The journey of Rey’s hair and clothing choices is perfect. The final shot between Kylo and Rey is the pinnacle of heartbreak thanks to lighting and set choices along with the performances. And although Canto Bight gets only a small cameo, the opulence and majesty of the scenery is truly a sight to behold. Rian pulls out all the stops for beauty, and it’s readily apparent. My only wish is that we were allowed to soak in and enjoy the scenery before getting shunted off to the next location. =P

If I were judging TLJ on presentation alone, I’d probably give it a C at best. Rian is so, so lucky his narrative has enough substance to make up for his insufficiencies as a filmmaker, though there are certainly flaws in the narrative as well (that I’ll be covering in future posts).  That’s how much power the themes and the story and the characters have in this narrative--they’re able to overcome amateur filmmaking and plot pitfalls. That’s a powerful movie. And that Rian can be proud of, even if I think he probably should reassess some of his choices on this one. =P

Up next, we’ll be diving deeper into the narrative and tackling the general themes! The narrative and the characters and their relationships are where this film shines, and I won’t be able to do it justice without multiple posts. If you enjoyed this, I hope you’ll enjoy the rest!

Until next time!

[calcu-lass]

So, a few days ago I posted about seeing Bal Vampirov in Moscow, and promised to write a review. Well here it is, everything posted under the cut, because this is going to get very long.

First, I just want to say, that every single thing about this production is absolutely unbelievable in its perfection. Honestly, nothing can even hope to describe the show, besides being there. The projections are wisely used, sparse, crisp, and vibrant, the sets are so incredibly detailed, and the costumes are just a dream to look at.

And okay so to begin with, disclaimer: Alexander Kazmin as Alfred was a big reason of why I went to Moscow to see the show. I spent a lot of time since October, when Bal Vampirov opened in Moscow, hunting down audios of Alexander as Alfred and the Bal Vampirov cast album is my favorite Tanz recording. I had heard many good things about his Alfred, and that and his amazing voice basically sealed the deal for me. So, that being said, much of this will be a review of Alexfred by someone who loves his interpretation of Alfred for people who are also curious to see how he plays Alfred.

Overall, Alexander is a very alive Alfred, he just reacts to EVERYTHING and EVERYONE onstage. He’s very fluid in his movements, doing just enough to bring Alfred to life, but not so much that it distracts from the narrative. And, when the spotlight is on him, and he’s free to express himself through body language as much as he would like to, you just can’t take your eyes off him. I had high hopes for his Alfred when walking into the theater, and I wasn’t only not disappointed, but he was better than my wildest expectations.

So, the Overture was absolutely spellbindingly beautiful as always. And I had forgotten exactly how amazing the Kentaur projections are!! They’re so beautifully clean, and absolutely amazing in real life. And the details!! A detailed valley, beautiful transitions, they’re absolutely mesmerizing.

But it was over only too quickly, the music transitioned into Hey Ho Hey, and Alfred was onstage. Throughout the entire song, he was very scared and very worried, the absolute definition of anxiety. I found it so wonderful to see that Alexander was very expressive, while sticking to the blocking. He was lunging to the side when calling out for the Professor, wildly looking around, and turning this way and that in increasing desperation as the song went on. And you could hear him shivering during Alfred’s spoken lines, which really added to the scene. And, during the “Nieman wird Alfred vermissen!” line, he forcefully gestured to himself, and gave the impression of frustration with his own situation, as well as the fear Alfred was no doubt feeling. A very small thing, but so far, I’ve only seen Alfreds who are only afraid of being forgotten, not angry about it, even if only very slightly angry. Then, after seeing the Professor on the ground, he just threw himself down, tugging and pulling urgently, and really threw himself into losing his balance and falling into the ground.

Knoblauch was a joy to watch, as always. The choreography was simply amazing, everyone was just perfectly on their marks. Then, the Professor and Alfred come in, the wind howling behind them, actually blowing snow in through the door. Alfred walked in shaking under the weight, and once the professor was taken off his back, fell to his knees, and was caught by Rebecca before he could crash to the ground completely. The pair was helped to their chairs, and both were brought back to life. One nice touch from Alfred was his violent reaction to whatever was inside Rebecca’s bottle. She tilts his head up, pours the liquid into his mouth, and immediately, Alfred’s eyes pop open and he spits it out onto the floor, sputtering even after it’s out. Then, when he turns to see Magda, he’s so taken in by her boobs that he accidentally drops his gloves on the floor. Then, he leans so close that he’s basically bent over the Professor’s lap by the time the Professor points out the little round things. Later, after the windmill line, and when the villagers are singing about how amazing garlic is, the Professor and Alfred were urgently whispering to each other, which was just heartwarming to watch. Also, from where I was sitting, it seemed to me that as Alfred followed Magda out, he was also checking out her butt.

Chagal and the Professor were both absolutely amazing as well.Oleg Krasoviskii played Chagal as someone you hate, but someone you absolutely love to hate. When we hear Sarah sing her theme, Chagal was just so. Terrible. At hiding the truth from the professor. Sometimes, you see Chagals who are super smooth with their lie about the wind. Not this guy. He said “The wind” as if he was trying to convince himself as well as the Professor, who was very unimpressed with it and saw through it immediately.

So, Chagal takes them to their room, the professor remains to be unimpressed and Alfred is the definition of awkwardly polite. Chagal tells him about the wonders of the bathroom, and you can just see that he’s only nodding along and listening because he’s their host. Things go as they usually do, with Chagal freaking out, Sarah is embarrassed, and Alfred is in love. And, as soon as Chagal was out of the room, he was just itching to get back in the bathroom. And then, after seeing Sarah was no longer there, he turned to look behind the door, as if Sarah was hiding there waiting for him. They had a wonderfully long, drawn out moment when Sarah comes back into the bathroom, both appearing to be caught off guard by the other.

And during Ein Schoene Tochter, I can’t tell you want Chagal or Sarah were doing, I was too busy watching Alfred and the Professor. It was wonderful, Alfred was so attentive and caring of the professor as he helped him get ready for bed, and the professor was obviously very fond of Alfred. After Alfred had finished, and the professor was ready for bed, the professor reached over and patted him on the cheek, thus effectively killing me, because I love the psudo-grandfather/grandson thing that some Professors and Alfreds have.

Nie Geseh’n was amazing. Sarah and Alfred were both adorably in love with each other, Magda was very done, and the Professor was so eager to see what was going on. And there was another wonderful little exchange between the Professor and Alfred during this scene. First, to explain, it seemed that the line which translates to “No sleep on this night for me; I dream, I’m awake” was taken very seriously. Alfred had his bowtie undone and hanging loose, and when Chagal fell, he stretched and rubbed his face. The Professor sat up to see what was going on and Alfred could only blink at him, confused and disoriented. He started to walk after the Professor, but the professor gestured at him that there was no need, and to go back to bed, just before he went out to go and see what was happening.

Moving on to Gott ist Tott, my GOD. Alexander Suhanov was AMAZING as Krolock. Normally, I’m not someone who greatly cares about Krolock, but he had me spellbound. He moved with a feline grace and there was something very refined yet animalistic about his Krolock. Also, he had a lot of mannerisms which really reminded me of Drew Sarich’s Krolock. During Gott ist Tott, every word he uttered was accompanied by some hand gesture. Although the song is very stoic, he was so very alive and passionate about what he was singing.

One thing I found interesting about Alexander Suhanov’s Krolock was how very much like a cat he seemed to be. His entire vibe was that of Krolock having no motivation other than to just see what he could do with the humans in his midst, like a cat playing with two mice.

Warheit was great. Highlights included: Alfred and Sarah having a little conversation with Alfred in front of the house and Sarah in the second story window and many, many adorable little gestures to better get their points across without shouting. Magda seeing this going on, and intentionally pushing the vegetables (?) she was cutting on the ground, and Alfred being slow to realize this even though some of the pieces literally landed on his feet. Then, Alfred and Magda had their own little conversation, only to be caught by the Professor, who turned and stared at them until Alfred felt his eyes upon him. Then, once realizing the professor was watching him, Alfred quickly jumped back, and the Professor turned away, shaking his head in resignation. Alfred The Stud, who would have thought?

I also just want to mention the energy and enthusiasm which the actors threw into this scene! Warheit isn’t exactly the most important scene in the whole show, but it everyone just put so much into the blocking, it was just wonderful.

And then - Wirklich sehr nett. Oh my God, I don’t think I’ve enjoyed any other version of the scene more. First, Alfred had absolutely no shame in looking through the keyhole. He knew exactly what might be on the other side, and as soon as he realized there was a keyhole in Sarah’s door, as he was hanging up his bowtie, he basically dove down to squint through it. And when Sarah caught him, she appeared to just be so done. And Alfred? He just didn’t know how to react, in the best way. It seemed that he was just caught between being embarrassed and being excited that Sarah was in the room with him. And the entire thing with the sponge. Alfred was just fascinated and distracted and kept getting closer and closer, so that by the time he mentions what a beautiful sponge Sarah has, his face was like three inches away from said sponge. And Irina was probably the most original Sarah I’ve ever seen in that scene. She so clearly saw through Alfred’s words and was just so completely done with him. She offered it to him with sarcasm in her voice, sarcasm that Alfred in no way picked up on. He was just so happy, taking the sponge, and then absolutely adorable with his next lines. My Russian isn’t the best, so if I misheard the lines please forgive me, but I think that in the Russian libretto, Alfred replies with something like “But I’d also like to give you something you like”, but the way it went was more like, “But I’d also like to…. Give you something you’d like” and during the little pause to the end of the phrase, he kind of bent over to Sarah’s height and did this adorable little hand gesture with both hands, gesturing at himself with one, Sarah with the other, and then switching between them. I can’t describe it accurately, but it was absolutely perfect for the scene and the character. And I’ve never seen a Sarah who threw herself more enthusiastically into being seductive to get Alfred to do whatever she wants. She really went all out when running her hands across and over her body, and it was just too much for Alfred. Think of a snake charmer and a snake. Alfred was hypnotized and swaying to follow her hands. Then, when Sarah guiding him out of the room, I honestly don’t know how they were able to do this. To watch, you’d think that Alfred had basically collapsed into Sarah’s arms and if she would let go, he’d fall backwards and crash onto the floor. Being weak at the knees from love in the most literal way. Also, there were two attempted kisses, once right after they picked up the sponge together, and I forgot where exactly the other one was. But I do remember that Alfred got cold feet and the last minute and decided against it.

Moving onward to Invitation to the ball, Alexander Suhanov was amazing. Again, very cat like and interacting a lot with the set, touching the walls, gesturing at the garlic. He was very fluid, never only just standing there and singing at her (unlike a certain, very popular Russian Krolock...) Again, all the hand gestures, as if every syllable was worth emphasizing. He was just hypnotizing. But, it was over only too quickly, and Alfred discovered them. And what a reaction! He flung himself away from the door as if it was electric, pointing at the keyhole and screaming. And then, he was absolutely hysterical when waking the professor up, completely incoherent and absolutely terrified. And it worked so well with the whole finger-fang staging. Something which annoys me about some Alfreds is when they’re scared, but still clearly have their wits about them, but then just say “Him!” and gesture like that. Alexander’s hysterics really sold the use of that gesture so so so well.

Draussen ist Freiheit was also just a dream to watch. Sarah was only too happy to see the red shawl, and she did the most adorable job trying to hide it from a very oblivious Alfred. Moving on, Sarah was visibly so thrilled that she had an invitation for the night, and Alfred was so disappointed. But, he was a very positive Alfred. In the Russian libretto, Alfred’s reply to Sarah mentioning that she’s got plans for the night is “Я провожу” which is basically “I’ll take you there”. The way he said this line, was him thinking as he said “Я….” then, he got an idea and was happy to suggest “провожу!”, as if even though he couldn’t spend the entire night with Sarah, he could spend a little bit of it helping her, and that was better than nothing. Then, I’ve never seen an Alfred more freaked out about the potential terrors of the forest. He was wildly gesturing around them, trying to make Sarah understand that it was a bad idea to go out on that night. And then, at the end of the song, apparently standing next to Sarah was simply too much for him. When they were singing their last lines, he squeezed his eyes shut and was visibly psyching himself up for what was to come next. Then, he took Sarah by the shoulders and tried his very best to press a kiss to her lips. Unsuccessfully. She jumped away and stared at him like he was insane, and he looked away and down at the floor, embarrassed, and played with the ends of his scarf. It seemed that it was after that that Sarah decided that she had to get rid of Alfred for sure, because she said that she forgot the sponge, as if she was thinking about what to say while talking. And the way they closed the scene was really well done. It was as if Sarah was a magnet and Alfred could not resist the attraction. Every step she took backwards was one he took forwards, and it was only too easy for her to push him in the door.

The Red Boots Ballet and Das Gebet were absolutely incredible, but there’s not much I can comment on, acting decision wise. Just one interesting tidbit for people who aren’t super familiar with the show: During the Ballet, there’s one scene towards the end of the middle where two the vampire women pair off and dance together, stage right.

Moving on, the scene where they discover that Sarah is gone was absolute chao, in the best way to watch. Rebecca was distraught, Alfred was the definition of anxiety, and the Professor was intensely interested in this turn of events. One thing I noticed that I found really wonderful, was Alfred’s attempts and comforting Madame Chagal. He would reach for her, but then pull away, unsure of whether he should put a hand on her shoulder or not, only to try again. But, when he finally got the courage to do so was when she bursts into tears and stops the music. Once again, good intentions but terrible results. Later on, it was just hilarious how chill about the whole situation with Chagal the Professor was. As if being bitten by a vampire is nothing to panic over, just a daily occurrence. Not to imply that the actor wasn’t acting, but that his professor is just so logical that if there’s a solution, there’s no need to panic. And when Rebecca got upset at the idea of staking her husband’s body, he couldn’t understand why she was so shaken and just stood there in surprise while she threatened him with the stake, to be pulled away by a very frightened Alfred.

Tott zu sein ist komish was beautiful and emotional, absolutely perfect, but again, not much I can say. Although, Chagal set Gern zu sein ist komisch up really well, as he carried Magda to the table, he grabbed her butt, laughing about his triumph.

When he and the Professor make their entrance again, and the Professor keeps stepping on the squeaky parts of the floor and hushing Alfred, Alfred decided to stand there, still as still can be, until the Professor started to go down the stairs. Then, he took the world’s biggest step, spanning the spot where he stood at originally to the first step. Then, he was stuck. And nearly lost his balance, needing to grab onto a pole holding the roof up to get himself unstuck. Also, when Chagal turned and pretended to see something behind him, Alfred also turned and before he could even process what was going on, he evidently decided to scream, just in case there was something scary there. One thing I found really great which I didn’t notice before, was the difference in staging of how Alfred takes down Chagal. I don’t know if all Kentaur productions do this, or if it’s specific to Moscow, but Alfred stands up on the table where Magda lays and wacks Chagal on the head with the mallet, knocking him out. I honestly adore this change. Although Alfred sticking his foot under the table and tripping Chagal is definitely more realistic, it’s so easy to miss. And Alfred definitely deserves recognition for his quick thinking during that moment.

Two more great things in this scene: Alfred being so done after the climax of Chagal’s promise to become vegetarian and then having a visible lightbulb moment when he got the idea that Chagal would lead them to Sarah.

Vor dem Schloss was perfection. Alexander Suhanov, again, was intoxicating. And, he was such a troll with the Professor. Once the Professor mentioned that he castle was from the 13th century, you could just see that he knew the Professor was bullshitting and from that moment on, he was just playing with the Professor and Alfred. Then, when Herbert came out, good God. Kirill Gordeev is the most amazing Herbert I’ve ever seen. He floats on air when he walks, and is just a joy every single second onstage. One thing which was just great, was a little moment after the Professor and Alfred are brought into the castle. Herbert notices that Alfred is distracted by Krolock and Koukol, and with this devilish smile, sneaks over to try and ruffle Alfred’s hair. Alfred jumps about 10 feet in the air, and then from that point on, sticks to the Professor like glue. And, the final song was so well done. Alfred tried to resist, and succeeded up until the line about the dark grail. Then, as Krolock gestures out in front of them, it was like a new world opened before him. This look of temptation and fascination came over him, and when Krolock turned away, he was startled, blinking in confusion at the air before him. During all this, Krolock was just having the time of his life, playing with the new humans with a malicious joy. And only too soon, the doors to the castle closed and Act I was over.

Act II! Firstly, this was the only Totale Finsternis I’ve seen besides the Drew Sarich/Amelie Dober one on Youtube that I enjoyed. Usually, I spend the song waiting for it to be over and Carpe Noctem to begin, but the tension between Sarah and Krolock was palatable. Honestly, Alexander and Irina had such great chemistry together, Irina playing a very much starry eyed Sarah who couldn’t believe that she was finally standing there before the Graf and Alexander as a Krolock who was only too pleased to see that Sarah would happy bend to his will. He was gentle with her, but at the same time, there was this untamed, animalistic quality about him which added so much to the scene. And during the finale, he added a beautiful touch. Whereas many Grafs like to make a show of being about to bite Sarah, fangs out and ready to be stuck into her neck at 50 miles an hour, Alexander instead decided to take a much more gentle approach. After sweeping her hair back from her neck, he slowly bent to her neck, mouth parted, making it unclear whether he intended to bite her or kiss her. And rather than quickly stopping himself short, he instead paused a hair's breadth from her skin, before pulling away, a change which I love so much.

Carpe Noctem was amazing, spellbinding, and hypnotic. The Russians do such a great job with it, there honestly are no words. Two things I found interesting: Kirill seemed to really take the idea of Herbert being the puppetmaster of the dream seriously. Once he was standing on the bed, he was gesturing at everything and everyone, and making these movements with his hands as if he was pulling and pushing the vampires onstage, like pieces on a chessboard. Even the black vampire! Also, I found it a bit funny that Kirill missed one of his cues by maybe two seconds. When Herbert and Magda first go to stand by the bedposts, Magda was there, but Herbert was missing. The music swelled, and Herbert was nowhere to be seen. Instead, the white vampire climbed up in Herbert’s place, and just before Herbert and Magda are supposed to start their duet, Kirill sprinted out of the darkness and to the bed and leapt up, an actual second before he was supposed to sing.

Ein Guter Tag was a joy. I really loved the Koukol who was on that day, he played Koukol as kinda wanting to be friends with Alfred! His Koukol came into the room just so happy, a hunched over cinnamon roll (something I never would have dreamed in my life that I would ever write). He was so thrilled to help the new guests, and when Alfred woke up, he was so excited! Then when Alfred started singing about how love would triumph, he was so happy for Alfred that he was in love, was so eager to finally meet Alfred, right up until Alfred screamed in terror of Koukol.

Then after the Professor woke up and after he hands Alfred the bowl, Alexander literally set the standard for any Alfred in that moment. He scooped all the slime up and out of the bowl, looking at it with wide eyes, then, slowly, bent to lick at it. And upon doing so, dropped the stuff back into the bowl, bent over and dry heaved, sputtering and spitting out the taste of it.

Another thing which was just wonderful to see overall was how wonderfully the Professor and Alfred worked together. They were perfectly in sync, Alfred very eager and quick to help and the Professor with obvious fondness for Alfred. And once they had finished, he patted Alfred on the cheek again.

Fuer Sarah was just heartwarming. Alexander sang the song with clear passion, hopefulness and love simply shining through the words. I’m not sure if he intended it to be this way, but it seemed to me that his Alfred matured during the song, that it was somewhere during Fuer Sarah that Alfred’s infatuation became actual love.

Die Gruft was perfection. Such good chemistry between the Professor and Alfred! The Professor was so very chill about the whole thing, and Alfred was very intimidated and scared. Highlights: How Alfred got down to the ground. He climbed down to the top of the coffin very carefully, tip toeing onto the lid. Only to get distracted by something (I think the Professor?) and jump to the floor with a crash. His pleading with the Professor was absolutely heartbreaking, you could almost hear him crying in desperation through his voice. And during this, Alfred had taken out the stake backwards as always, except while he turned away from it and talking to the Professor, he kept jabbing Krolock with what he thought was the point, presumably in an attempt to get a good starting point  before he’d actually start hitting it with the mallet, kept jabbing since there was no point to get stuck in Krolock, and then when he turned to see the stake the wrong way around, visibly started. And when he failed to stake Krolock, he just bent over in shame and said in this tiny little voice “I can’t.” And finally, when Alfred had gotten back up to the Professor, he looked down at both, Krolock and Herbert as they were walking out. And, he was the absolute definition of shame, you couldn’t not feel sorry for him.

Gern zu sein ist Komisch was great, but nothing wholly remarkable. Chagal and Magda were horney, and both went out of their way to make the scene as sexual as possible, in a good way.

Buecher! Oh this was amazing! The Professor and Alfred enter, the Professor looking stern and Alfred looking like he was just scolded, seconds before they walked into the room. He clasped his hands behind his back, he looked down at the floor sadly, and was the absolute definition of shame. Then, when the Professor saw the books, all sternness disappeared and was replaced by wonder and love of the library and books. Alfred visibly started with the sudden words from the Professor, and then a new anxiety overtook him. Clearly, he knew the Professor too well, because you knew that he knew exactly what was coming. But, as he was just scolded, he was hesitant to interrupt the Professor, gently, but urgently trying to tell the Professor that this is a bad idea. He ended up throwing himself across the bookshelves, trying to hide as many of the books as possible from the professor, but it was too late, and he could only follow the Professor around, like an anxious puppy. And when he heard Sarah singing, he didn’t become immediately happy like some Alfreds do. Instead, he was concerned and acted as if he didn’t believe his ears. And then when he found out that he was correct, he was happy to see her certainly, but he was clearly more concerned with her safety. He looked about ready to pull her out of the tub right then and there. His frustration was palatable, Sarah was so very in love with the Graf, and both thought the other was crazy for even suggesting such a thing. Really, the only way Sarah was able to get rid of Alfred was by telling him that she had to change. Another mark of Alfred maturing through the show: while in act I, it seemed that his major motivation for anything in his life was anything remotely related to nude bodies, he couldn’t have cared less about Sarah’s lack of clothes in that scene. He left the room so sad that he couldn’t get Sarah to listen to reason, and only to be even more frustrated that he couldn’t get the Professor to listen to reason. He ran around after the Professor, tapping him on the shoulders, urgently trying to get him to listen, every attempt dismally failing. Again, fantastic acting, you as the audience could feel the frustration pouring off the stage. During the Buecher reprise, it was clear that Alfred was the only sane one left in the castle and you shared his pain only too much. Two final little touches which made this scene brilliant: The Professor doing this happy little shimmy in the dust after it flies everywhere when he hits the cover of the books and just being so very done after Alfred asks him which book he should look in. As if Alfred should obviously know after spending so long under the Professor’s mentorship that logic holds the answer to everything.

Now, one of my favorite scenes in the entire show. Wenn Liebe. This is going to be very long, because actually, I wrote the entire scene out to send to a friend the same night I got back from the show. What I have here is just an edited version of that. So Alfred opens the book and just gets he gets progressively happier as he reads. Then after hearing Herbert, he had this little bounce in his step, like "Okay books are right and I'm going to do what this book said and all will be well." So then as he approaches the bathroom, he's looking around, not in front of him, but to the side and behind him, calls for Sarah, and then locks eyes with Herbert, freezes for a second, before excusing himself and turning to run. Kirill was insanely smooth as Herbert, every single motion was the definition of graceful and beautiful, and he had the most charming but devilish smile. What I found interesting was that Alexander seemed to do the scene as if Alfred was on the verge of running, but chose to stay and face Herbert instead. In fact, he didn’t seem to be really scared of Herbert right up until the near bite. Then he was out of there. Nothing wholly remarkable for the next few lines, up until the butt. Alfred bends over, and Herbert basically freaks out. As if Herbert had had a religious revelation. He was almost hysterical in his sheer delight at the sight of Alfred’s behind, his hand shaking as he pointed and his voice trembling in joy. Alfred was more surprised than anything about Herbert’s words, and I’d even go so far as to say that he was even flattered, even just a bit, at Herbert’s remarks about his eyes. But again, I can’t be too sure about that. The dance! Alfred for World's Worst Dancer. Herbert was so graceful, and Alfred was just terrible. So stiff and just with no idea where to put his feet or what to do with his arms, almost as if Herbert was dancing with a human rag doll. And ]when Herbert asks what's in the book, Alfred clasped his hands together in front of him, looked down, and said poems in such an embarrassed voice. Then when Herbert started singing about how Alfred must be in love, this dreamy little look came over Alfred and he nodded shrugged in this adorably shy way. I will say this, Kirill has made a major improvement as Herbert, at least in my opinion. He was much gentler in Moscow than in Saint Petersburg during the love declaration. He's admitted his love in this really sweet, really kind voice with absolutely no malice. Alfred stood there kinda transfixed during the love declaration, like he didn't know what to do. Then during Herbert’s sneaking up behind him and putting Alfred’s head down, you can see Alfred’s mind hard at work and he saves himself at the last minute before he literally flings himself off the stage. Another thing about Alexandr is that he loves to run. At any opportunity, he's literally sprinting. Honestly, Herbert got there after quite a bit after Alfred did, who had to take a moment to wait. So what he did after he literally leapt over the stairs is scrub at and then stare at his hand, the one Herbert kissed. He was bent over and just examining the top of his hand, before Herbert comes up from behind and does his little routine. Then, the most epic and unmanly of all screams from Alfred before he started to sprint and tried desperately to get away. Another thing Kirill changed that I really like is how much gentler he was during the second bite, leaning over Alfred's neck like he was going to kiss him, not bite him. And he was so distraught afterwards that Alfred got away, literally running off the stage crying.

I think that I had to take a moment after that perfect Wenn Liebe, because my mind is blanking on Sie Irren Professor. But it was great, Troll Krolock was back in full force, Alfred was very scared, and the Professor was very adamant that he would beat Krolock.

Ewigkeit was amazing, the ensemble is composed of fantastic dancers. Everyone was just on point, perfectly in sync, and playing the parts of zombie vampires beautifully.

Die Unstillbare Gier was incredible. Suhanov handled it masterfully, singing it with such nostalgia and regret coloring his voice. He stroked the graves as he sang about their inhabitants, and gestured with tenderness and emotion. What I found to be the most amazing thing of all, was how he changed towards the end of the song though. It seemed that any humanity which he had regained during the majority of Gier was forgotten as he sang about how everything was meaningless and that greed was the only God. He hardened, and once again, the uncaring and nihilistic Krolock was back, and replaced the tender man who regretted.

Tanzsaal was beautiful, and the highlights included: Herbert flinging his cape dramatically into the air as he turned to walk to the back of the stage, only for it to get caught on one of the candlesticks used for the cross at the end, and cause the whole thing to come crashing down, being beautifully oblivious to Alfred and the Professor and extremely concerned to the point of panic about his nails, Krolock obviously gloating, and Herbert stroking Koukol’s hair and smiling fondly at him as Krolock sang about Sarah. Honestly, strong Vampire Family Krolock vibes that night. The Graf and his son were both equally fabulous, you had absolutely no doubt that Herbert was derived from Krolock, both were affectionate toward each other, and Koukol was like the family dog (as much as I hate to put it that way, there’s no better descriptor). Sadly, I missed the bite scene, because I was too busy looking from Alfred to Herbert and back again. Alfred wouldn’t stop passing out. The Professor caught him the first time, revived him, propped him up, Alfred started to fall down again, was once again caught and pushed up into place by the professor, and nearly fell down a third time. Also, when Sarah came out, Alfred was just hypnotized by her. Careless of his own safety and completely forgetting about where he and the Professor were in that moment. He kept marching toward her, eyes only for her and blind to everything else, and had to keep being pulled back by the Professor.

Moving forward to their being caught by Herbert, during the entire Tanzsaal scene, I had the feeling that Herbert suspected that something was wrong, but couldn’t put his finger on it. It seemed from where I was sitting, that the realization was more of an “Aha!” moment for him than him being genuinely surprised. Then when Alfred tried to stick Krolock in the chest with the candlestick, he was stared down by Krolock, Alfred completely petrified and both Krolocks very displeased and done with Alfred’s antics. Then when the crucifix was made, one of the Ewigkeit vampires straight up died, collapsing to the floor and needing to be dragged off stage as the scene closed.

The Draussen ist Freiheit reprise was painful to watch. Something Irina did differently was to not have Sarah dramatically change into a vampire. I was caught off guard by her biting Alfred, and I was waiting for it! She didn’t make a big show of her new fangs, either in acting or in her singing, and I can only imagine what a surprise it was for someone who was seeing the show for the first time to see Sarah bite Alfred. And the way Alfred reacted to the bite just tore my heart. He was choking, trying desperately to scream, and just before he collapsed completely, he saw the professor and tried to call for him, but just couldn’t get the words out. And he was so absolutely terrified of the blood on his hand and of the fact that it tasted good to him. Then, when Sarah bit him the second time, he spasmed on the ground, silently screaming. Also Alfred’s transformation was fascinating but terrifying to watch. Whereas Sarah transformed with relative ease, Alfred’s was the exact opposite. He laid on the ground motionless, but then suddenly, his limbs started jerking out of control, and he stood up as if he was was pulled up on strings. Also, he was so very animalistic and out of control as a vampire, Sarah could only barely hold him back from charging at the Professor, his fangs bared. Also, he appeared to have very little control over his new vampire body, he moved with the same grace as the Ewigkeit vampires, while Sarah was quite graceful and in control of herself.

The finale was amazing and depressing. Although it’s one of the best songs of the show, it’s the last one and I always get emotional while watching it. The dancing was on point, the singing was fantastic, and the costumes were just a joy to watch onstage.

In conclusion, Bal Vampirov is a gift to the world of musical theater, and it’s ending only too soon. I have absolutely no regrets about spending the money I did on going to Moscow to see that beautiful show.

[bellesdiaries]

When belle comes back, the beast is climbing to the top of the tower and she sees him and screams "no!" What I'm confused about is why she yelled no. Was he going to jump off and commit suicide? That's the only reason I can think of that she would say that. (Side note: is it even possible for him to die in beast form? The enchantress said he was doomed to remain a beast for "all time" if he couldn't find love)

***same anon*** ignore that second part I just realized that the beast literally died before the enchantress transformed him oops

*trigger warning* mentions of suicide

Hey Anon. Thanks for your message. As you’ve already stated, yes, the Beast can and does die (briefly). It’s only by living without Belle’s love that he would remain a Beast forever.

Regarding the former part of your question, initially during my first watch of the film I was also a little puzzled by Belle’s outburst of “No!” I think part of the issue is that the scene is so dark it can be hard to see everything that’s happening.

Having just rewatched the scene a few times, I noticed as Beast is climbing the tower, he does slip on the roof tiles. To me, this looks like an accidental slip and not at all intentional on his part. He’s injured. He’s losing blood. He’s been using all of his upper body strength–with an iron ball lodged in his shoulder–to propel his body from one high point to another. So even with his strength, you know his arms have to be feeling worn out already. It’s no surprise he keeps slipping.

When Belle sees him lose balance, that’s when she cries out. I think this outburst comes purely from an instinctive panic she feels at seeing him almost fall. I don’t think she’s begging him not to jump.

We should also consider what the movie has been telling us up to this point. Is Beast in a mental state that he would be willing to take his own life? The song Evermore clearly demonstrates that not only has Beast learned to love, but he’s also learned how to live. Nothing in this song indicates that he wants to end his life. Quite the opposite. Belle has inspired him, and she will “still inspire [him], be a part of everything [he does].” Meaning, he’s going to keep on living, even if it means spending an eternity waiting for her to return. The reason Evermore is this tragic, beautiful ballad is because Beast realizes that, in setting Belle free, he’s said goodbye to his last chance at being human again. It’s not a death wish. (For further insight, I recommend this post.)

During the castle invasion, Beast doesn’t fight back right away, and this might appear to be a passive form of suicide. However, I think Beast’s inaction towards Gaston is meant to visually highlight the difference between these two characters. Beast’s reaction to violence is gentleness, which contrasts his initial aggression towards Maurice.

Yet even after being shot, Beast does not just accept his fate by letting himself fall off the nearest tower. He fights to live, scrambling to hang on to the castle walls, while at the same time graciously not returning Gaston’s brutality with his own brutality. When Belle arrives, he fights with a new vigor–in order to be with her. He still does not engage with Gaston, not until he absolutely must in order to save his own life.

So with the knowledge that Beast does want to live, plot-wise what is the purpose in having Belle cry out like this? I think Belle’s cry reveals more about her mental state than it does his.

Up to this point, Belle has been very vocal about many things but not her feelings. Up to this point, Belle has remained largely fearless–facing the Beast, saving her father, even trying to stop a mob. While we know how Beast feels thanks to Evermore, we don’t yet know how Belle feels–she obviously does not love him yet (or at least, she doesn’t realize her feelings yet), because he’s not human yet.

Belle screaming “No!” across the rooftop is an outward expression of the deep, undeniable fear she has of losing him. Her cry is a hint at what is to come, when she finally does break the curse. It’s her sorrow in nearly losing him that makes her realize she does love him.

(Could they have chosen a better word to use here? Probably. Though, if you consider that “No!” is a substitute for Belle’s cry of “Beast!” in the 1991 version, this word seems to be the best alternative, especially since he later declares himself not a beast. So having Belle call him that at this point would not mesh well with the overall narrative.)

I hope this brings some clarity for you regarding this scene.

[wigwurq]

WIG REVIEW: TWIN PEAKS - THE RETURN

The awful wigs you like are going to come back in style this summer! Twin Peaks, land of mighty good coffee and awful awful wigs are back, and with them some new bad wigs that we waited 25 years for! 

As there are 18 episodes, I will be updating this post as new episodes air (and adjusting if the show’s wigs wurq as a whole or not). Now let’s journey back to the Black Lodge and discuss:

EPISODE 1 

Good Dale is still stuck in the Black Lodge, while Bad Dale is driving a fancy car, hanging with teenage randos, and having a party in the front (and back!) with the worst male wig this side of John Travolta’s everyday life. 

This wig is the kind of thing you’d pick up at Ricky’s to be a shaggy vampire for Halloween. OOF. The only thing more disturbing than the wig, is of course Special Agent Dale Cooper’s crispy tan which is the second most disturbing tan by an evil dude on tv (Trump's still #1). 

However, Bad Dale’s new life did lead us to the clear star of the show: BEULLA! Glamour, fashion, and beauty wrapped into one. 

Elsewhere in non-wig storylines, some random teenager in NYC is getting it on with Grace from The Nanny and getting mauled to death by glass box ghosts (YOU HAD ONE JOB TO DO, IDIOT!), some nosy neighbor in South Dakota is implicating Matthew Lillard in a librarian murder, Ashley Judd is helping Tony from West Side Story run the Great Northern and Dr. Jacoby is serving double sunglass reveals while getting some sweet new shovels. Obvs? Meanwhile, the Log Lady, now the victim of female hair loss, decides to get on the horn about Dale Cooper. I have to say, this might be the one wig that wurqs in the episode and it’s not technically a wig but a baldcap with some wisps on it. Still, carry on Log Lady - please never change no matter how much hair you lose. Your Sally Jessy Raphael eyewear is still everything. 

The recipient of the Log Lady’s call is none other than Hawk, the most credible member of the Twin Peak’s sheriff service. Michael Horse’s glorious locks are obviously not a wig but let us all luxuriate in them regardless. And let us NOT miss Michael Ontkean who showed his homophobic truth by trying to block his gay movie Making Love from being a part of the documentary masterpiece The Celluloid Closet. SASHAY AWAY FOREVER!

EPISODE 2

This episode doesn’t offer us much more in the way of wigs, but we do get far more intimate with Bad Dale’s awful wig.

This look is decidedly tan Glenn Danzig all the way.

The most upsetting reveal about this wig is that it has a half ponytail involved. NO THANK YOU.

Back in the Black Lodge, Good Dale meets up with old friends Leland, Mike, and Laura Palmer herself - none of which are wearing wigs and none of which seem to have aged at all (though Laura is moonlighting as a lamp so maybe that’s why). Good Dale also meets up with a wise Tim Burton tree who explains that Bad Dale has to come back to the Black Lodge in order for Good Dale to leave. Seems legit, but unfortunately Bad Dale is busy murdering his girlfriend. 

Sorry, gurl. 

We end the episode at the roadhouse where an ubercool indie band is playing for some reason. The lead singer has a pretty wiggy look but all signs point to a dye job. 

We also see the triumphant return of Sherry, whose (wigless) salty mom posse involves none other than Gia Carides, aka LIZ EFFING HOLT FROM STRICTLY BALLROOM! YAYS! CAN I DRINK WITH YOU GUYS?

EPISODE 3

We begin with Good Dale shape shifting through space, meeting a nice lady with no eyes who falls into the void and another lady who points us in the direction of a steampunk electrical plug to the outside world. But do we want to go out there?

We soon discover that the “real world” involves another Cooper doppelganger - Nevada’s own Dougie - who wears a mustard-colored blazer, knows a nice prostitute, vomits creamed corn, and has a terrible wig.

Seriously, I don’t know if the wig budget on this show was given to eye-covering prosthetics or what but clearly they skimped on the wigs. Just seriously depressing stuff - I’ve seen more believably realistic wigs in haunted houses. Speaking of haunted houses, Dougie gets whisked into the Black Lodge and implodes into a sea of black smoke (I finally understand Lost?) Regardless, bye bye, terrible wig! 

Elsewhere, Bad Dale and his bad wig are trying not to barf their way back to the Black Lodge while living through the worst Lincoln commercial ever. It’s unclear where Bad Dale ended up, but Good Dale shapeshifts his way back into Dougie’s life - for better or worse?

Finally, Hawk gives us the best “do not disturb” sign ever (donut disturb 4evr) while he and his luscious locks try to run the Twin Peaks sheriff’s department basically with absolutely no help from anyone else. Ok maybe the donuts helped.

EPISODE 4

Good Dale Cooper is living his life as Dougie Jones, whose son is future/current(?) cult leader, Sonny Jim Jones. Cooper is learning to do everything again, from dressing himself to drinking coffee while assisted by frazzled wife, Naomi Watts. Meanwhile, Bad Dale Cooper has been discovered covered in creamed corn in South Dakota and his old boss, Gordon Cole (as played by David Lynch) has to look into the matter, but not without an assist from everyone’s favorite trans FBI agent, Denise Bryson.

Denise, like a fine wine, has aged well. As strong and confident as ever, and looking damn fierce.

Compared to the wig David Duchovny wore in the original series, this wig is a serious upgrade. Defrizzed and oh so quaffed, it’s a dignified thing of beauty.

We do get into a grey area here, wig-wise, however. It has been my intent on this blog to never review wigs that we know as an audience to be wigs (thus why I sadly never review RuPaul’s Drag Race).  Denise’s wig in the original series was definitely a wig within the narrative of the show, since Denise (nee Dennis) had only recently come to the conclusion that he was trans and started donning a wig and dressing as a woman.

25 years later, who is to say if Denise is wearing a wig or if we are to believe that this is supposed to be her own hair? Far be it for us to tell Denise what to do with her coiffure so it becomes difficult to judge this as a wig or not. If we are supposed to believe it is a wig, then yes - it’s a good wig within the narrative! If we are supposed to believe it is hair...well it’s not perfect. It certainly looks like a wig, albeit a good wig. As I’ve said time and time again, only if a wig looks like real hair does it truly wurq.

Still, as a character, Denise WURQS so amen to her regardless.

And can I get an amen for Wally Brando? Wigless though he may be, he is a the only possible child of Andy and Lucy. May your shadow always be with us. 

EPISODE 5

We begin this episode as Good Dale Cooper tries to navigate the world in the body of Dougie Jones. For some reason, no one is bothered by the fact that Dougie is basically a walking zombie, from his frazzled wife to all of his coworkers.

Just a guy super stoked for coffee with little ability to function in society - nothing to see here!

Back in Twin Peaks, a wigless Shelly and Norma are looking FINE AS HELL and seem to not have aged a day.

Also Shelly’s daughter (perfectly cast as Amanda Seyfried) has an asshole boyfriend (as played by the asshole brother from Get Out, who is really making a name for himself in the world of asshole characters). 

Oh and obviously, Dr. Jacoby runs an extreme lefty webseries out of his cabin, and whose #1 fan is obviously Nadine:

Who is still lookin’ like the spectacular nutbar we all love.

The only wig of the week is the nightmare on top of Bad Dale’s head. Even behind bars, this wig is wreaking havoc much in the way Bad Dale is hisself! Nope.

EPISODE 6

Most of this episode concerns itself with the increasingly poor decisions of Dougie Jones and with every misadventure, I just long for Good Dale Cooper to wake the hell up! We are also introduced to a slew of new characters. Twin Peaks is truly beginning to get as sweaty with characters as Game of Thrones and winter is friggin’ coming. 

We meet Bathazar Getty, whose early career was spent being an off-brand Liev Schreiber and who has somehow morphed into an off-brand Henry Rollins. He played some coin magic on off-brand young Nicolas Cage (who is in a dead heat for worst Twin Peaks character with Deputy Chad). 

We also revisit our favorite trailer park manager, Harry Dean Stanton, who is an ageless angel.

The only wig this week comes in the form of a lounge lizard played by none other than Laura Dern. 

We are only given one scene with this wig so I don’t have the information necessary to review it properly. In other words - if this wig is supposed to be real hair, it is obviously terrible. But if it is supposed to be a wig as I suspect since David Lynch lounge lizards are usually wig-wearers (see: Isabella Rossellini in Blue Velvet), then whatever - you do you, Laura Dern! 

(And you always do.)

EPISODE 7

Ugh, wake up Good Dale Cooper! The boring misadventures of Dougie Jones continue in this episode, though he does disarm a little person assassin “like a cobra” so I guess this is progress.

Meanwhile, Gordon Cole visits Diane and we don’t get much more information about her or her wig. Though Diane in general is a mystery. Throughout the original series, she was a faceless secretary that Dale sent daily messages to. Now, whether or not she is trying to pass this platinum wig off as real hair remains the #1 mystery of Twin Peaks. But I’m guessing it’s a wig (within the narrative of Twin Peaks) so whatever. It’s a bad wig allowed to be bad. 

Though now that we have seen her retro cool apartment, I think I know Diane’s backstory:

She’s obviously a latter-day Iona (from Pretty in Pink) who, rather than dating a yuppie (yuck!) decides to take a secretarial job for the FBI while the record store industry dwindled in the early 90s, stopped hanging out exclusively with teenagers, and started calling herself Diane. MAKES PERFECT SENSE. 

Both chicks have an affinity for platinum wigs, apartments with Atomic/kitschy details, and DRAMA.  Well that’s one mystery solved! You’re welcome, internet. #prettyinpeaks  

Anyhoo, Diane (nee Iona) visits Bad Dale in the clink and it was a regular wigout party of nonsense.

I feel like when two bad wigs meet like this, something meaningful should happen, like the Black Lodge imploding or getting to spend more than 5 minutes with any of the original characters.

Instead, we are gifted like 20 minutes of Ashley Judd (bless her, but STILL) following a mysterious sound around the Great Northern. And seeing the roadhouse being swept for what must have been 3 hours. 

We end with Bad Dale getting sprung from the clink by uttering the magic word: STRAWBERRY! Not to be confused with Carol Channing’s magic word, RASPBERRY. Watch out, world: Bad Dale and his bad wig are on the loose!

EPISODE 8

We have so many questions going into this episode, but before any of them can be answered, we have to hear from THE Nine in Nails! The dream of the nineties is alive in Twin Peaks, and this part was a damn nightmare. NEXT!

Bad Dale Cooper, fresh from being sprung from jail, gets shot down by his partner in crime. Is this the last we will FINALLY see of him and his horrendous wig? Probably not, because some ash covered garbage people come over and seem to revive them. Who are these ashy garbage dudes? For answers, we (OBVIOUSLY) travel to B&W New Mexico in 1945.

There, an atomic bomb gives life to these soot monsters, a bug/frog combo, and, of course, BOB! 

Meanwhile, in what might (?) be the same steampunk universe where that eyeless lady that Good Cooper encountered that eyeless chick back in Episode 3, our favorite friendly giant and some chick with some serious costume jewelry and eyebrow tweezers watch these ashy garbage dudes and then are gifted a golden blob with the face of Laura Palmer on it.

IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! J/k j/k I have no idea what is happening. On the wig front, I will say that costume jewelry eyebrow tweezer lady has a pretty sweet finger curl wig. 

Fast forwarding to New Mexico in 1956, we meet a young couple who deliver some incredibly stilted dialogue at one another. Their costumes also suggest a high school play that is set in the 1950s but they only go shopping for costumes at the GAP. We’ve all been there. Doesn’t wurq. Also, I’m not sure what pincurl nonsense is happening on this chick’s head but it is neither historically accurate or attractive. NOPE.

Anyway, ash zombie #1 decides to go on a quest for a cigarette light, which obviously turns into a bloodbath.

I will say this much: this terrible 50s wig deserved to GO. All hail ash zombies! 

EPISODE 9

Bad Dale Cooper lives! All hail ash zombies?? I don’t know if it’s the zombie makeover or what but this is the BEST this wig has every looked. 

Sadly, this is short-lived as Bad Dale Cooper meets up with his accomplices/Academy Award Nominated Actors Tim Roth and Jennifer Jason Leigh and this terrible wig gets cleaned up and its half pony tale back and it looks awful again. UGH. Side note: Tim Roth’s denim jacket with the cut off arms IS THE LEWK. 

Back in Twin Peaks, Lucy and Andy are chair shopping (#TeamBeigeChair) and the sheriff A-team (SCREW YOU AND YOUR LUNCH, CHAD!!!) are doing some detecting. They pay Bobby’s mom a visit, where she reveals a super cool chair hiding place (maybe get this chair, Lucy and Andy?) and a secret message from beyond. Dun dun dun! 

And as always, Diane and her Pretty in Pink Iona wig are KILLING IT as always in fashion and correct opinions. It still remains a supreme mystery as to if Diane is trying to pass this off as real hair, but regardless: let the lady smoke. She’s been through enough! It IS a f*cking morgue! 

In the end, we meet some teenage heroin addicts/vampires(?) with awful hair which is likely just awful hair and not wigs. They also have serious skin ailments that I never want to see again. Let’s just maybe never see them again. Please?

EPISODE 10

We are officially more than halfway through this series and no closer to getting rid of Dougie Jones in favor of Good Dale Cooper. Wake the hell up, Coop! (Tho dang, you’re looking good - and Janey E agrees!) Otherwise, this episode is pretty much all about domestic abuse and its witnesses. Seen here: a wigless Harry Dean Stanton having some guitar “me” time which was ruined by Shelly’s daughter and her terrible boyfriend...

Can you guys please be quiet so HDS can play his damn guitar in peace?!?! Side note: domestic abuse begets domestic abuse: does this remind anyone of Shelly and Leo?

But the scumbag of the week (and the millennium?) definitely goes to Richard Horne. Not to be outdone by hit-and-run child murder, this week he gave us trailer park murder and familial abuse/robbery all while the Teddy Ruxpin of nightmares above must bear (get it?) witness. Oh and yes - we see what you did there with that glowing orb head, David Lynch.

Of course, scumbags love company and OF COURSE Richard Horne is in cahooks with Deputy Scumbag, Chad, who he asks to intercept his trailer park murder victim’s blackmail letter. WE HATE YOU CHAD. Luckily, Lucy is totally on to Chad. #TeamBeigeChair4Ever

Back in Vegas (UGH), Tom Sizemore is setting Dougie up with the help of these wigless, flaky cocktail waitresses. The fact that these three didn’t somehow break into song sorta surprised me. 

The mazel of the week def goes to Nadine, who finally has her silent drape empire in the form of her storefront, RUN SILENT RUN DRAPES. Way to make your lifegoals a reality, gurlfriend! She’s also obsessed with Dr. Jacoby’s vid-blog, but obvs.

We also get some more news from the Log Lady - Laura Palmer is the ONE! Whatever that means? It has been brought to my attention that my previous assessment of this being a good wig may be false - the actress who portrayed her, Catharine E. Coulson, died of cancer shortly after reprising this role. So this is likely her actual hair. I stand corrected! Just goes to show you that just when you think you’ve found a good Twin Peaks wig - it turns out to be real hair. Nothing is as it seems in Twin Peaks but we can always count on the continuity of bad wigs? With this new information - this episode is entirely wigless! Why am I even writing this?!?!

Maybe just to rejoice in the epic performance of Rebekah del Rio (no relation to Bianca, sadly) who we all know and love from Mullholland Drive. Bitch is in straight up Black Lodge cosplay and it WURQS.

EPISODE 11

The more we watch this show, the fewer and fewer wigs we seem to get. And the more we realize we are just stuck with Dougie Jones. Wake up, Good Coops!

Anyway, this week the domestic violence from last week’s episode got particularly EXTRA when Amanda Seyfried decided to amp her Lifetime Movie life up to 11 and get a gun, demand her mom come over with her car, take the car, almost run her mom over, and go shoot at her two-timing, d-bag of a husband. I seriously think I saw this movie starring Tori Spelling a few different times on Lifetime but David Lynch makes it SO MUCH MORE ARTY.

Great hiding place, you guys! Also, why yes that IS GERSTEN HAYWARD, aka Lara Flynn Boyle’s lil sis who is great at piano! 

This did lead to a pretty sweet family reunion at the RR though seriously, Bobby, just arrest your daughter’s husband already.

This reunion was briefly interrupted by coin enthusiast/fake Henry Rollins, Balthazar Getty who OF COURSE is going out with Shelly. You make bad dude choices, Shelly! Why am I suddenly rooting for Bobby?!?!

Oh and also there was a sudden diner shootout followed by passenger seat exorcism, because: Twin Peaks.

The only wig of the week was brought to us by pillar of effervescence, Diane. The jury is still out (and will forever be out?!) on if she is trying to pass this wig off as real hair, but I give up: you just do you, Diane.

And also please continue to sit on stools while the rest of the world sits on chairs. Is that thing from Blaine? Anyway, you’ll always be on a pedestal to us. 

After an some map detective work from Hawk and another call from the Log Lady, an otherworldly vortex sighting, and an unfortunate Matthew Lillard cranial injury, we end the episode in the weirdest Se7en parody ever but hey: there’s always room for cherry pie?

Oh, and god bless you and your fabulous makeover, random casino garbagelady! You look so sparkly! 

EPISODE 12

Why am I still updating this blog post? Why am I still watching this show? Why is it taking everyone five extra minutes to say what they need to say and why am I falling asleep? These are all questions I had during this episode. Not much happens - and slowly. We did get to see some old, familiar faces, though. Our favorite alcoholic, Sarah Palmer, had a grocery store meltdown about turkey jerky (AS ONE DOES) and we finally got a visit from Audrey Horne!

Sadly, it appears that Audrey did NOT marry eyebrow plucking enthusiast Billy Zane in favor of a really grumpy little person named Charlie. Audrey HATES Charlie and all his goddamned paperwork, especially when she needs him to get up and go to the roadhouse with her to find her missing lover, NO MATTER HOW TIRED HE IS.

UGH, Charlie. As with all scenes in this episode, this scene is about 10 minutes too long, and at no point was there any mention of how Audrey’s son killed a kid and tried to kill a lady (CHARLIE IS GOING TO HAVE SO MUCH PAPERWORK TO DO OVER THAT). However, I would have gladly watched Audrey Horne dance to a jukebox for 10 minutes.

Speaking of scenes that go on too long - THIS BITCH. Seriously, how long does it take you to GET THE EFF OUT of a room when Miguel Ferrer has some important business with David Lynch?!

The only wig in the episode remains to be the enigma that is Diane’s wig. I have previously stated that we may never get the information we need to judge this wig and if it is trying to be real hair or not so again: I give up. You just keep doing you, Diane. LET’S ROCK!

EPISODE 13

EPISODE 13 YOU GUYS. I have been updating this long-ass blog post FOREVER and we’re no closer to getting rid of Dougie Jones!! He is even now gifting his family with nice cars and gym sets so it feels like he’s not going anywhere. WHY WHY WHY. Wake the HELL UP, DALE COOPER!!!!

Meanwhile, Bad Dale Cooper is looking rougher and rougher ever since his Woodsman reincarnation - he is now truly a garbage person. And his wig is still absolute trash. 

This week did test our loyalties in that we found ourselves in an arm wrestling match of the damned and were sorta rooting for Bad Coop against some other garbage people. Coop was victorious (sorry about your face, bro), but with that wig, we are all still losers.

In other bizarre hair news, what the hell is up with Ed’s hair?! This is NOT a wig but I really want to know who was driving the train with this hair “style” if you can even call it that. Looks like some pretty good soup, though. 

Oh, and apparently James can sing in falsetto? Wonders never cease. Still no sign of Lara Flynn Boyle who may be our only salvation at this point. We are all Sarah Palmer watching the same boxing match over and over again hoping for salvation. Maybe next week?

EPISODE 14

We are on the last lap of this show, and things are (sorta, kinda) coming together. Thanks (of course?) in part to the oldest Bond girl, Monica Bellucci, and the prophetic dream Gordon Cole had about her. The puzzle pieces seem to be fitting now. Thanks, Monica! Oh but wait - WHO IS THE DREAMER?! With every answered question comes a new question. 

Luckily, Diane is on the case and ready to drop some KNOWLEDGE AND GLAMOUR on everyone. Like her wig, Diane is an enigma. Unlike her wig (which is still not identified as a wig or not within the narrative - SIGH), Diane is full of super useful information. Dougie and Janey E you say? Oh she just so happens to be Diane’s estranged half-sister! OBVS! Not since Game of Thrones have we had such a convenient familial lineage. Just don’t eff it up, Las Vegas FBI! 

In other law abiding news, Lucy and her gravity defying hair are still the best and she and Andy once took a trip to Bora Bora! UGH seriously guys - bring back Wally Brando. Oh, and the worst sheriff (and second worst character), CHAD, was finally read for filth and locked up for being the worst - just in time for the good sheriffs to take a ROAD TRIP! 

Like most hikes in Twin Peaks, this one involved beautiful scenics, paternal nostalgia, putting dirt in your pockets (OR ELSE), discovering a naked woman with no eyes, and teleporting via creepy vortex into a B&W steampunk nightmarescape and hanging with a giant. I can’t wait for the TripAdvisor review!

Andy was the lucky recipient of the teleport trip and seriously: can this dude PLEASE STAR IN A BIOPIC OF STAN LAUREL? Just saying. Anyway, he met up with our favorite jolly (non-green) giant who sadly didn’t start singing the most appropriate Dolly Parton song for the moment: “Me and Little Andy” but instead revealed his name is not ??? but really THE FIREMAN. Seems legit. Andy also got some cool recaps of past episodes via a steampunk skylight and returned back to earth to keep that eyeless lady safe. 

Speaking of Dolly Parton songs, why was “I Will Always Love You” not playing during this scene??

Lots of missed opportunities, song-wise, but luckily Lucy had some PJs on hand for the eyeless lady from that time the dog got loose. Seriously, I would love to see an entire TV series about Lucy and Andy’s throwaway lines. Showtime: make this happen.

Despite Lucy’s PJ makeover, eyeless lady still has to be locked up with Chad (UGH) and some drunken guy bleeding from his mouth who may or may not be that dude Billy who Sherilynn Fenn and every rando at the roadhouse is always talking about.

Speaking of random characters, David Lynch decided that he still needs to be introducing new ones so meet British Jimmy, who has a magical glove not unlike basically all Marvel superheroes, a destiny only met in Twin Peaks, and a penchant for revealing his entire backstory when it’s his coworker’s birthday. Welcome to Twin Peaks, rando!

We end with our favorite alcoholic, Sarah Palmer, who just wants to have a goddamned Bloody Mary in peace (DON’T WE ALL) without being verbally assaulted by the new worst character in Twin Peaks: a-hole in the TRUCK YOU shirt. Well truck YOU, bro: Sarah Palmer has a soot monster vortex inside her and will quite literally pull your throat off. Sayonara! This is why it’s safer to drink at home watching violent TV. Lesson learned.

EPISODE 15

Hello from officially the longest blog post on this blog (and maybe in the history of the internet?) Are you guys still there? Are we all still watching? We are officially in the final stretch and things continue to come together....sort of. We begin with Nadine, gold shovel in hand, as she finally digs herself out of her marriage which apparently was still intact after all these years! She finally lets Big Ed go. 

Which means Ed and Norma are finally getting hitched! Halleluj! You totally cried about this, admit it. (Sure we cried about Ed’s haircut too but no matter).

Meanwhile, Bad Dale Cooper and his evil, horrible wig are still up to no good. Also his leathery skin is getting worse and worse by the episode. He rolls up to the gas station of ghostmares and tries to get a meet and greet with Phillip Jeffries (aka David Bowie - RIP!)

The gatekeeper is this broad who is definitely giving Beulla (see: Episode 1) a run for her money in the category of AGELESS GLAMOUR. 

BD Cooper also runs into our least favorite Twin Peaks resident/his possible son, Richard Horne and tells him to get in the car: road trip! Oh and speaking of residents of Twin Peaks we don’t like, Becky’s husband probably killed hisself?

Speaking of death, Dougie maybe just killed hisself? I mean, it’s a modern miracle that he hasn’t already but seriously: get out the way, bitch! Bring back Good Dale Cooper! If he didn’t kill hisself, I guess we all need to prepare for Dougie’s sequel: Electric Dougieloo

Finally, one of our very FAVORITE Twin Peaks residents, Margaret, aka The Log Lady, bid us adieu (as did Catherine Coulson, the woman who played her.) SOB!

We feel ya, Lucy. (Insert sobbing emojis)

EPISODE 16

We’ve come to the last 3 episodes and everything is coming together. The father-son road trip of the century comes to the only possible ending: with Richard Horne being sent up to a rock to be electrocuted. Sayonara, you terrible person! Oh, and yes: Bad Coop was your dad. See ya!

Bad Coop alerts Diane and her still mysterious wig, and suddenly Diane has an acid flashback to all the bad bad stuff that Bad Coop did to her. She recounts the upsetting tale to Gordon and Co and also reveals one more thing: BITCH IS A TULPA! 

And with a bullet to the head, she returns to the Black Lodge to bring it some extra retro fabulousness. Byeeeeeee!

Meanwhile, Dougie Jones (UGH) is in a coma after electrocuting himself. And then, just like that....FINALLY AGENT COOPER WAKES HISSELF UP!

SERIOUSLY. 

Also, thanks for the finger sandwiches, Mitchum Bros! Oh and sayonara to Oscar nominees Tim Roth and Jennifer Jason Leigh (and her excellent collection of mini Cheetos bags) during the neighborhood watch shootout of the millennium. 

Coop tells the Mitchum Bros to fire up the private jet (seriously thank goodness for these dudes)...he’s headed back to Twin Peaks! Yayys! He also says byeeeee to Janey E and our favorite mini cult leader, Sonny Jim Jones. 

Back in Twin Peaks, Audrey and her terrible husband FINALLY made it to the roadhouse where they promptly order martinis (not what I’d order at a roadhouse, but you do you, you fabulous weirdos). The crowd at the roadhouse soon realizes that they are in the presence of dance royalty and promptly and correctly clear the dancefloor so Ms. Horne can DO HER THANG. She does and it’s as dreamy as we remembered it...

Until that dream turns into a DAMN NIGHTMARE and Audrey wakes up in....a mental hospital? An alternate dimension? A remake of The Valley of the Dolls in which she plays Neely O’Hara in rehab (omg someone please make this happen)?! WHO KNOWS?!?!?! WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAAAAAT.

EPISODE 17

It’s come to this: Bad Cooper has made his way to Twin Peaks and Andy is SUPER EXCITED to see him but everyone else has their doubts, especially when the real Coop gives a call from the road. 

Meanwhile, terrible terrible Chad somehow manages to escape and tries to shoot Andy, but not if British Jimmy has anything to do with it! He punches through his cell and right into Chad’s face. Side note: why didn’t he just punch through his cell to get out in the first place? Oh well.

Upstairs, Bad Coop tries to shoot Sheriff Truman but not if Lucy has anything to do with it, and gurlfriend shoots him and saves the day (#TeamBeigeChair4Ever). Then Coop and Gordon and Co both have perfectly timed entrances just as Bob the Blob emerges from Bad Coop. The rest of the scene has Coop’s superimposed face on it (sure?) as British Jimmy fulfills his destiny of punching Bob out of existence. Also: British Jimmy is totally gonna have his own Netflix Marvel spin-off show, right? Also Jim Belushi is all of us during this scene. 

And Andy brings the eyeless lady to Coop in time for her to morph into...

DIANE IN A RED WIG! Sure, why not, right? I guess we know she is the real Diane because of her wig makeover?? Or the fact that she immediately makes out with Coop? WHO KNOWS?! I’m not even sure if we are supposed to believe that this terrible wig is real hair so why am I even typing this?! WHATEVER WE’VE MADE IT THIS FAR LET’S JUST KEEP GOING.

Anyway, Coop, Diane and Gordon go to visit David Bowie in teapot form (yes I just that sentence) and Coop is teleported back to 1989 where we get some sweet B&W flashbacks of Fire Walk With Me scenes showing Laura Palmer about to get herself murdered. But this time, Coop is there to save her! What what what?! Yes, this show is maybe about to rewrite history? Oh no nevermind - Laura was totally kidnapped away by...the forest? Seems legit. 

EPISODE 18

YOU GUYS WE MADE IT TO THE FINAL EPISODE! I still have no idea what the hell is going on with the wigs or otherwise but whatever. We get some more flashbacks to the original series, except no one finds Laura’s body. Curious. Then we see Bad Coop in the Black Lodge turning into a golden nugget (SASHAY AWAY TERRIBLE TERRIBLE WIG) and then morphing into a Dougie tulpa - congrats Janey E and Sonny Jim Jones?

Back in the forest, Coop still can’t find Laura but he does find Diane and her terrible red wig. Close enough? Anyway, they take a roadtrip to some random electrical wires where they shapeshift into a different dimension where they go to a hotel and have the most uncomfortable consensual/not consensual sex scene this side of Straw Dogs.

In the morning, Diane is gone and Coop and the hotel seem different. Coop must go out in search of some coffee at the local diner, where he also has to beat up some cowboy scum because sure - we have time for that.

Anyway, he finally finds what he’s been looking for: LAURA PALMER! Oh except she isn’t Laura Palmer; her name is Carrie Page and she’s never heard of Laura Palmer but she DID just murder some dude so sure: road trip!

They make it back to Twin Peaks in near utter silence (nope, nothing to talk about...) and Coop gets Carrie/Laura back to her mom’s house!

Everything seems to be going great until they knock on the door...

And this beautiful goddess in thirsty thirsty blowdryed locks answers the door. No, she’s not Sarah Palmer - she’s some bitch named Alice Tremont who doesn’t understand anything Coop is saying (you and me both!) WHAT?!

This is the right house, right? Oh wait - what year is it?

WHO KNOWS?! But Laura/Carrie have a good primal scream about it and: that’s it! Seriously, the whole show is over, leaving us with  about as satisfying an ending as The Sopranos or the Gilmore Girls revival. 

In the end, we have no clue what happened but all that matters is: the (few) wigs involved were terrible so let’s all just primal scream about it. And if you are still reading this, kudos to you for reading the longest blog post about wigs probably EVER! 

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ