#and like i think the way medical professionals treat people with adhd when they're just trying to be medicated

[echthr0s]

post about amphetamines and ensuing thread about how "ADHD people just feel normal on stimulants" is anecdotally true but not necessarily scientifically true on my dash and I'm just thinking about that first time that I tried meth with Sigma and we just both hyperfocused on our computers the entire time (they do have ADHD but I do not), or how I used to take Adderalls for the wakefulness and euphoria yes but also because I felt like it was easier to ride the strange winding pathways of my cognition to a place where they'd end up as a fic or some other project rather than just petering out because I couldn't keep up/got distracted by something else/got intimidated by the breadth of my thoughts

which I think is what the euphoria was actually related to. it wasn't just a direct result of Having Consumed An Substance, it was the exhilarating feeling of riding those strange winding pathways to wherever they wanted to take me, and not falling out of the train and landing unceremoniously on the side of the tracks with nothing to show for my grandiose thinking except some fragmented concepts

and to me, that's... therapeutic. that's a therapeutic experience, to be fully present in and engaged with my own mind. to feel centered and yet expansive, to be unbowed by anxiety, to see an end goal (a finished thing, in all its weird glory) and be inexorably propelled towards it by my own steam.

but I don't have ADHD. so I guess I'm just Being High, by this dichotomy ("people with ADHD on amphetamines are experiencing therapeutic effects" / "people without ADHD on amphetamines are experiencing recreational effects"). but it doesn't seem fair to make such a flat division, or to even assume that what people think of as "recreational highs" aren't therapeutic in some way (see also: the wide variance in how people respond to THC)

anyway tl;dr the ever-evolving wars on drugs really decimated how we think about the interactions between our bodies and the substances we put into it

[ozwuv]

If I have hand pains (as artists get) what’s should I do? Do you recommend any exercises?

hmmm so i don't get hand pains necessarily, but i did damage my ulnar nerve pretty badly end of 2019-2020 from the oz fanbook grind lol. this led to a constant, dull pain in my dominant arm and persistent numbness in my hand. for a long time, i couldn't hold a pencil at all and to this day my grip is pretty weak. i remember when acnh came out in march 2020, i cried out of frustration constantly bc my grip was so lax i couldn't play.

that said, i'm speaking from experience when i say that taking advice on stretching techniques i found online made things way, way worse for me because it exacerbated the nerve damage i didn't know i had until i saw a doctor. the wrong kind of stretches can be more damaging than helpful if you're not doing them correctly, and especially if you have some kind of underlying issue that would be counterproductive for. the same thing goes for wrist braces and such -- a lot of people recommend them, but the wrong kind of brace can damage you further, and you should not be constantly wearing a brace unless a medical professional has told you to; constant usage of braces weakens your muscles over time because the brace prevents you from actually using them. if you have the means for it, i would really recommend consulting a physical therapist for preventative care.

but i didn't have access to medical care for a long time, so i get that's not feasible for everyone. if that's you, basic harm reduction guidelines are good to keep in mind. these are going to be things you've undoubtedly heard before, but they're drilled into your head for good reason:

take breaks. set a timer for every ~30-60 min and every time it goes off, get up, walk around, flex your hands and wrists, etc. ideally at least 10 minutes.

keep plenty of water within arm's reach at all times. hydration manages/prevents pain more than you might think. as soon as my grip gets too slack, i know that i need to stop drawing and drink a ton of water, but you should be drinking fluids at a semi-constant rate so you don't get to that point.

if you're in pain, stop drawing. no "i'll just wrap up the lines and then stop" -- listen to your body. if you're hurting, you've already pushed it too far and anything more is just going to make it worse.

posture posture posture -- any kind of posture advice for office workers generally applies to drawing.

^if you use a screen tablet (like cintiq or ipad) it's going to be virtually impossible to maintain good posture without buying a tablet arm or something. in cases like that, you should place even more of an emphasis on harm reduction or maybe even consider switching to an analog tablet so your monitor is at eye level. personally i'm in it for the longhaul with my ipad though lol

unfortunately advice like this kinda sucks for ppl with ADHD (meee) because pausing in the middle of something can cause you to become distracted or lose motivation. i don't really have a solution for that, but ultimately i got to the point where the nerve damage was so bad that i solidified these habits to prevent making it worse. i do get distracted and lose motivation a lot, but i did that to myself by not treating my body with the care it deserved.

if you take one thing from this response, let it be this: if you don't already experience chronic pain and/or nerve damage while drawing constantly without taking necessary precautions, it's not a matter of "if" you develop these issues, but "when". if you don't already have chronic pain from drawing, your goal right now should not be to preemptively look into things to remedy it, it should be seeking to prevent these issues altogether. work in some good habits, even if it's just taking breaks every now and then. even just one break per drawing is better than no breaks at all. i thought i was immune to these issues for over a decade & then i developed arthritis in my upper vertebrae at 20 years old lol nobody is immune i prommy<3

[drowninginredink]

Hi, it's the anon who headcanons the Chosen as higher needs autistic.

I just wanted to say that I'mactually thankful you educated me on your schizoprenic experience, because I didn't know any of that was even a thing! I'll take that with me going forward.

You're welcome! If you want proper schizo education, let's do it! Actually, a note first, because I'm going to be using the terms psychotic and schizophrenic a lot and you should know the difference. Psychosis is a symptom. It is basically just disconnect from reality, generally meaning delusions and often, but not always, hallucinations. Psychosis can happen because of pregnancy, medical conditions, other mental illnesses, or drugs (both legal/prescribed and illegal). Schizophrenia is chronic psychosis that cannot be attributed to any other cause. All schizophrenics are psychotic; not all psychotics are schizophrenic.

1. I know I already said it in the original post, but do not call 911 on someone in a mental health crisis. I will not share the details of what happens to psychotic people (and let's be clear here; it's almost always Black psychotic people) in police custody. And the "good" scenario is them ending up hospitalized, which really isn't much better. I work in nursing, but I will never, ever work in psychiatric nursing because the way psychotics get treated in psych hospitals? I could not see that every day. I could not be part of that system. And there's no way I'd have any leverage to change that system. Psychotics get forcibly medicated, restrained, treated like weirdos and pariahs by the other patients... And then thrown right back out. Why are there a bunch of homeless schizophrenics? Well obviously it's pretty damn impossible to hold a job when in active psychosis, but also, how are you supposed to keep getting your meds or get any lasting therapy when after you get out of the hospital, you're going right back to living on the streets?

2. If someone says stuff that seems delusional, do not fact check them (unless they explicitly ask you to). It will not work. It will just distress them and make them double down. The correct approach is to very slowly nudge them out of it until they realize for themselves what was a delusion, but that's not your job. That's for their therapist to do. Don't encourage them either, though. If you can change the subject, that's the best approach.

3. There's this image that all psychotics need to be medicated, because obviously therapy wouldn't work because they're completely irrational. Medication actually doesn't help 25% of schizophrenics, and therapy is generally way more effective. The problem with that being that you know who else thinks of psychosis as a "just throw drugs at it" issue? Lots and lots of psych professionals. And a whole bunch also just don't know what to do with us. Or they don't want to deal with us, because it's hard. As someone in the medical field Therapy is super useful, though. The standard approach is CBT for psychosis (which personally I had a terrible time with. DBT ended up being my magic bullet). Fun fact: my old psychiatrist is currently doing a study on controlling voice hearing yourself. Basically, you can stop hearing voices by telling them to shut up and fuck off. I'm unconventional as far as schizophrenia symptoms go, so I never really had much voice hearing, but I did for a brief period of time and that's how I got it to go away. Learning how to reality check yourself is the most effective way to deal with psychosis.

3. a. Back on meds, for me personally, anti psychotics did help with my dissociation, but did nothing for my hallucinations and delusions. I'm not on them anymore. We found that an ADHD med actually worked really well for my dissociation, interestingly enough. Anti psychotics also have awful side effects. Schizophrenia is not fun, but the worst thing I've ever experienced wasn't schizophrenia at all. It was akathisia, which is a side effect of anti psychotics. It's restlessness to the absolute maximum. You can't concentrate, you can't think, you can't sit still, you can't sleep. Your heart feels like it's burning a hole in your chest. It is hell.

4. Schizophrenia is actually neurodevelopmental. Our brains look different than other brains. I know personally, I have always had delusional thought processes. It's just that as a kid, I was fixating on, say, the fact that I just could not leave this party right now or that for some reason it was a huge deal that the teacher didn't call on me. So no one thought it was delusions. But now that I've been overtly delusional? The thought process is exactly the same. It's like you're wearing blinders. The world flattens out to 2D and you just can't see the truth. And then when you do realize it, you feel like an absolute idiot for letting it go on for so long. That's true now, and it was true when I was freaking out about dance recitals as a kid.

5. Let's talk about the absolute worst psychotic symptom you've never heard of: disorganized thinking. It's what it sounds like. It's like your brain and thoughts are a deck of cards that are constantly being shuffled. You lose your train of thought. You forget what it is you're doing. I know when my disorganized thinking was a lot worse (those ADHD meds have also helped a ton with that, thank God) I would just get trapped scrolling my phone because I couldn't keep a train of thought for long enough to decide to do something else. Or rather, I'd decide to do something, and then forget about it before I could, over and over. For people who aren't me, it will also manifest as disorganized speech, where you know what you're saying in your head but complete gibberish comes out of your mouth instead. A thing people do not talk about enough is how much schizophrenia absolutely destroys your ability to think. Between disorganized thinking and dissociation (and God, my dissociation is terrible... And this is with it medicated down to levels where I can actually function) sometimes my brain is just absolutely useless to me.

That's probably enough for now? I could keep going for hours, but I think that's a lot of really good information. Truly give me an inch and I'll run a mile

[uncloseted]

I have ADHD and I also get really annoyed when people on the internet claim people are faking their ADHD. I've even seen people claim that it isn't real and people shouldn't take medication for it. The people saying these things seem to have extremely limited knowledge on ADHD. As someone who didn't get diagnosed until I was 21 this rhetoric concerns me. Not being diagnosed/medicated for so long made life so much harder and I would hate to see others not get the help they need

I think it's just a super complicated issue and the internet doesn't like nuance. Certainly, ADHD does exist- it's a neurodevelopmental disorder that has a huge impact on people's lives and well-being. And stimulant medications are the most effective treatment for people with ADHD- people with ADHD do really need their medication to be able to function. But it's also true that stimulant medications are not one-size-fits-all, and some people with ADHD don't respond well to them. It's important that people find a medication that works for them, not the one that "should" work because it works for other people.

And it's also true that some people online are incorrectly self-diagnosing themselves as having ADHD because they've noticed executive functioning issues in themselves and can't or don't want to see a medical professional about it. It's also true that there's a lot of misinformation online that leads people to incorrectly come to the conclusion that they have ADHD. That's a problem because it means those people aren't getting the treatment that they need; they're just getting an excuse they can give other people.

It's true that ADHD appears to be underdiagnosed in girls and in underprivileged communities, and it's good that people in those populations are starting to recognize they may have ADHD. But it's also true that ADHD appears to be overdiagnosed among boys in well-off communities. That's a problem because, in some communities, normal childhood behavior is being pathologized and treated as "a problem".

It's true that ADHD medication can reduce the rates of substance use disorder in people with ADHD, and so it's important that people with ADHD do find a medication that works for them. But it's also true that people without ADHD abuse ADHD medications as a party drug or a study drug, and that some people without ADHD do become addicted to stimulant medications. That's a problem, because while ADHD medication does increase life span in people with ADHD, taking it in recreational doses can lead to serious medical issues. Even in people with ADHD, ADHD medications can, rarely, cause medical complications. But it's also true that we live in a capitalist system that obligates us to work without rest, so it makes sense that some people without ADHD would want- or feel like they desperately need- that extra edge just to be able to survive, regardless of the potential long term consequences to their health.

It's true that the diagnostic process for ADHD is imprecise and complicated. It's true that getting a prescription filled for ADHD medication is currently far more complicated than any person with ADHD can actually navigate, so it needs to become easier. But it's also true that people do try to game that diagnostic process and that certain online telehealth platforms have intentionally overdiagnosed ADHD and overprescribed ADHD medications, which has, in part, caused the shortage of ADHD medications that we're in now.

I guess what I'm getting at is yes, absolutely, I want to see other people get the help that they need. I know how much getting a diagnosis and receiving treatment has changed my life, and I want that for everyone else who's struggling. But it's not so cut and dry as that. There are a lot of legitimate concerns about how ADHD gets diagnosed, treated, and how we view it culturally, and ignoring those issues isn't going to help anyone in the long run. People need to start looking at ADHD policy in an evidence-based way and to start making decisions accordingly, but that's really difficult when nuance gets drowned out.

[sincelastsession]

I don't like that you think I've perhaps got a personality disorder.

I don't want to be viewed that way.

I know we discussed it.

I'm not sure you understand that when I had a false bpd label I was treated like shit and gaslit and other ugly behaviors. It's the same reason Dr. Todd didn't want to put Autism on my chart as he didn't want other medical professionals who weren't well versed to treat me badly.

I am a lot better when I'm on the adhd meds bit I still do have autism and I understand that my conditions can cause mimics of each other and other things. I actually have a Ven Diagram collection about comorbid things.

I do still feel misunderstood by you. But I have no idea how to show you otherwise. Sometimes words fail me and therapists get frustrated with me because they either don't understand or I'm being labeled because there's comparison going on.

I really don't think in my instance me using my diagnosis labels is wrong.

Yes things are made up. Most things in this world.

So if that is a belief and you don't like me using labels then why was a possible personality disorder brought up?

I don't want to be treated as if I have that. It is a trigger and has been since the insane treatment I received with the bpd false diagnosis. I don't think you understand the trauma I endured with that diagnosis.

I don't think it's impossible that it's going on but I would rather focus on the diagnosis I do have and look at how those can mimic what you are seeing.

I feel invalidated honestly.

My belief is that I have my several diagnosis and the symptoms clusterfucked and I'm in a nasty flare.

I don't want to repeat the past experiences talking or adding to a medical chart that there's a personality disorder present. I'm sure there may be but if I'm in therapy being treated for my other issues and trying to meet goals I'd rather NOT focus on this unless it's necessary. My brain kicked my ass last time everyone thought that was the issue and I don't want to be lumped in with the bpd girlie crowd like it's trash umbrella diagnosis shit.

One thing that I don't understand is why do you have a copy of the DSM if you think it's bullshit why is it used in the medical field if so many people think it's bullshit

And I don't mean to be a rude I'm not trying to be rude right now and I want to make that really really clear.

But today it was very hard for me to respond as I sat there and tried to patiently wait for you to finish explaining something to me that I had already figured out what you were saying in the first sentence.

This is a struggle for me not just with you but with other people.

I will understand and try to signal to the other person that I understand what they're talking about and what they are explaining to me at length. And today I did not interrupt to be rude I did try to signal to you that I understood so we could stop and continue on with other things so I would have time to bring up other subjects that I needed to speak about today which I gave up on at one point.

I do not want to switch therapist or quit therapy because I really do want to go forward with the EMDR therapy. I am OK with a second opinion if that can be done without charge or with my insurance.

I feel that the way I communicate and my autism is making it difficult for us to communicate and I do not know how much experience you have with autistic patients and you know and we discussed that everybody is very unique with their problems. I suppose I could just say problems instead of diagnosis but honestly it seems more of a pet peeve to you then it really is to me.

I am bothered because you aren't the first person who has told me that they think that I am using my diagnosis as an excuse and I don't see that I am doing that and that is really not my mo.

Honestly I'm just trying to explain to people who I am and how to treat me because we must let other people know how to treat us or they will walk all over us.

I am not very good at this and Doctor Todd used to tell me that it would be better if I spoke less because sometimes my speaking gets me into trouble and places where I do not belong such as being pointed that I have a personality disorder or things of that nature

It felt sort of hypocritical for you to say that when I have brought up my own diagnosis and you have told me you don't like usage of those labels yet you labeled me in session

So that is why I feel prickly about it.

I also am understanding why you got the idea about the weed and anxiety medication but I am a very responsible person with those things.

And I suppose in the future if you are jumping to a conclusion about me then I would rather you just ask me and clarify which you did sorta do.

I mean sometimes in our sessions I am watching your body language and I do that with everybody so it's not to be an asshole it's just what I do. Same thing as me watching the car that was next to the window because I couldn't tell if it was going to bump into the building or not from my perspective.

But I mean I do have a critique and I'm not trying to be rude but it seems like I'm making you uncomfortable by your body language and I wanted to ask today if that was the case because I watched you fold yourself up and Put your hand on your head and do lots of body language telling me that something was going on that you were not expressing.

I understand that I am a complex probably pain in the ass case and that's me saying that and I know that you are not saying these things to me.

I do want to work on my goals I do want to do any sort of testing I do want to get better to a stable point.

I do not know if it will work out just like you do not know if it will work out but I do not want to quit I'm not usually a quitter and I'm extremely stubborn but I'm not trying to be stubborn with you about therapy. I'm trying to be as open as possible and communicate.

It does sometimes feel as if I am speaking a language you don't understand. And it's frustrating but I'm not mad at you and I know that you don't care if I'm mad at you either.

I understand that you are just doing your job.

I have been in therapy a very long time so I can assume that it is difficult to work with me sometimes because I know so much. I don't mean that in a cocky way or a self-absorbed type of way I mean it in a fact-based way. I was recently insulted by my father because he thought me saying that I was smart and new things meant that I was trying to act like a know it all and that I knew everything and I do not know everything and I do not claim to know everything but I do know a lot. Sometimes I wish I was clueless about everything so perhaps therapy would be a lot easier.

Also I do know That you had no intention of making me upset and are just trying to help and are still learning about me and who I am as a person and I know that I am not easy to understand from experience with many other therapists. It is frustrating for me on my side because I don't know what the fuck to do or say much anymore because I really do continuously feel completely misunderstood often.

You know with my mother she told me before the session what she was going to speak about. But then her bringing up the scammer romance that she does not want me involved in was out of left field. I was pissed. I was pissed off because I was concerned and she did that because she was angry with me already. She was angry that I did not take up for her when I called her brother and he was a loud drunk asshole about it because he does know the truth about the Army romance bullshit she's doing but he also holds resentment towards her for something she did not do and I was not about to yell at him while he was drunk and get into an argument with a family member that will still talk to me. I was only trying to help. Sometimes she does end up wasting money and time insanity on these scammers and it affects me. So I do view that as something that falls into my circle of control especially when she is showing me obviously photoshopped pictures and telling me that they're going to build a house with a mini house in the backyard just for me and it's very delusional and it's very unhealthy and she is in her 60s and I do not care that she is a cycle nurse that is a new job for her and she is not fully educated on everything yet. She has not been on the other side of the fish bowl and she does not understand what these people are going through nor what I have gone through. I know that she's trying and I'm not upset about that I'm very happy about that.

I am pretty prickly about both of my parents even though they both seem to be trying they do turn around and do the cycle of violence type behavior where they are nice to me then they are shitty to me then there's a honeymoon phase then it begins all over again

So for me dealing with my parents is like trying to fight the ocean. I can surf for a little while but sometimes the waters get too fucking rough.

End right now they are both acting very shitty towards me because I refuse to get involved with the drama that my sister has created and that they have created.

And no absolutely not do I think that I am experiencing disassociation due to any medication or drug.

I have been on this Earth for almost 38 years and I know that I have been disassociating since I was a small child and it feels exactly the same.

It does not matter if you take me off of every medication and switch my meds or just don't put me on anything it still happens.

And I've had to use disassociation techniques I guess I used to call them that to just get through being around abusive people and life in general when it was too hard for me to deal with. So if you're looking for the source of all of that then you will find it when we do EMDR. You will see and understand why I do that because if I tell you I'm doing that because of a diagnosis I don't feel that you're taking me seriously. Because to me it's a reason it is not an excuse I know that excuses can sound like reasons and vice versa but I'm not making excuses for my behavior.

I have certain behaviors and I have certain diagnosis. I am taking accountability by being in therapy to work on any behaviors that need work. Yes many of my diagnosis cause these behaviors or these behaviors come from these diagnosis and yes many of the behaviors are coming from the trauma but doesn't mean that I am having a personality disorder or could it possibly just be that I have pretty fucking bad PTSD I was told by my last EMDR therapist that she had seen hundreds of patients and I was the worst case she had ever seen.

Now I don't know if that means anything to you at all once again I feel like my words aren't coming out correctly so let me reiterate that I am not trying to be rude at all.

And yes like I said it is possible to just have a personality disorder from trauma but I'm not going to sit around and focus on that because it's going to self-destruct me.

And right now I don't like that I'm thinking about it so much. It has been bothering me since you brought it up and now I am overthinking and overly worried about it. And that is not okay.

Sometimes I wish that people would look at me in a way that is not based on other patients or people they have witnessed. I wish only to be viewed as my unique self. And what that is I'm not sure because my entire life I have been told by other people who I am. I did not really get to define anything and it is hard for my brain to wrap itself around the idea of sense of self even though I am literally talking about myself and I logically see that.

You know my dad's side of the family is just known for having lots of weird mental illness issues everybody in his side of the family had something going on that was never really diagnosed well.

I really don't want any more diagnoses.

I just want to know what's going on and take the testing so I can understand where it's coming from.

I mean my guess would be that it is coming from my trauma as most disorders of that nature do.

I would like you to understand that I do have a genetically inherited panic and anxiety disorder and it is severe and I know that that by itself can look just like a personality disorder.

I mean we could even say that having compulsive o CD is also sharing symptoms with a personality disorder or part of a personality disorder of some type.

But yeah I wish we had not brought that up today because I am fucking triggered.

Also I did not get a call about scheduling for another appointment.

Also my Doctor did not refill my medication and I'm having a panic attack right now because I only have 2 doses left or 3 if I stretch it of my anxiety medication and then if I don't get a refill I will start to have fucking seizures and other problems.

And yes that is concerning but it has been the only medication that has ever helped me with the severe anxiety and panic that I do have and my PTSD and my heart condition and muscle issues. And I have had many therapists and doctors try and tell me that that medicine is the devil and all sorts of crap when my psychiatrist that passed away told me not to fucking listen to that because Everybody is Scared of it because they do not understand the mechanisms and the chemical structure and WHY it works for my Brain and does not cause me Issues whereas all of The Other choices do cause me severe Problems. And you are welcome to ask me about all the other medication choices and what happened when I was on those medications VS this one.

And then with the medical marijuana I mean you can't really avoid getting high or very high when you smoke or vape or have an edible or whatever other form of treatment. I do not smoke a lot like everyone seems to think I do. I do not frequent the pharmacy very very often. I usually buy a little bit in bulk and I wait till that goes out unless I find a strain that helps a particular thing much Better than The Other things that I have bought and Then I will Swing by and pick up More of it if they have it in stock.

I have not even attempted to smoke an entire joint by itself of medical marijuana because it is so very strong. So when I am smoking and I want to be really clear about this. I have my little ritual I sit down I grind up the flower I put it in a container because I'm not going to use all of it at once. I add a pinch to my pipe I don't always load the bowl all the way full because pipes are different sizes. I usually do not finish the full bowl and I would have to say that none of the bowls in my pipe hold any more volume than a blueberry.

It has been suggested to me by the pharmacist at the dispensary that I try a weed vape which I have declined because that's like doing a dab hit.

I do buy cbd to mix with my medical as well as the dispensary only has the flower and not full spectrum which is fucking irritating.

If I wanted to I could get a connect and get full spectrum but I really do not trust those people to not lace it. And I don't want to have a terrible accident.

I mean this is treatment for severe chronic pain and anxiety. I had to fill out a very extensive form listing all of my health issues and I did speak to a Doctor on the phone who went over that with me and then approved me for it.

I would rather not have to take obeates or other anti-inflammatory medications because I value the health of my liver and kidneys and I already have liver issues from when I was a child and they overdosed me with ibuprofen like fucking idiots and I am mad about it still I am angry that that Doctor is still practicing and nobody did anything about it and that is telling of how fucking passive neglectful my parents were And still are at times.

And yes I do bring up the past a lot and you as a trauma therapist probably understand why.

And my EMDR therapy I believe will help that once the script is re written in my brain or once we rewire it or whatever phrase works best I guess.

I would like to know what therapy treatments are used for people who have autism and see if we can employ some of those treatments to see if they help.

I have a very fucked up distress tolerance I have been told. And I have a very high bullshit tolerance I have been told however I have also been told that that has improved over the years and I am putting up with less bullshit from people. Some people might think that I am being mean and I am just trying to be assertive and I can't hear myself like they hear me I can only hear my voice internally and I do not understand why people think I'm attacking them.

If I am angry and I don't state that I'm angry and nobody asks me what is going on and then they make assumptions about me and my character then I get angrier and triggered and it sets me off.

When people get frustrated with me or they can't keep up with me and they just hang up on me or they just check out of the conversation it really hurts. It cuts pretty deep because I sit there and I do listen I understand that sometimes I have auditory processing issues or I get distracted or I'm trying to hold on to a thought and I really need to express that thought and then yes it sometimes becomes difficult to pay attention all the way. And sometimes I do just disassociate. And I don't know how to subscribe how that happens or how it feels very well. It just seems like an automatic thing that I do and sometimes I'm not even conscious of it. And when people do try to make me aware of it it's very frustrating because I do see it but there's not much I can do about it and I'm a people pleaser so I want to fix it but there are some things about me that I don't think can be fixed.

And I mean that in a way where I'm trying my fucking hardest and it's just not clicking in my head no matter how hard I try to understand.

It does feel like I'm trying to understand things but there's some sort of disconnect that I don't know what we would call that and I don't understand what's happening there for me to wrap my brain around certain things that people say or how to act like everyone else

I don't think it's very fair that many people with autism are treated like shit because they don't know how to blend in with other peopwell enough or they get burnt out which I am very much so right now burnt the fuck out and I have been for quite a while so I'm having a lot of trouble masking and I have been mirroring people more and they don't fucking like it And I'm not doing it on purpose it's just like a default setting if that makes sense.

And yeah Joshua I am mad I'm mad in general at everything because I have had a fucking stupid aggravating life and I'm still having a fucking stupid aggravating life. And yes I'm being very pessimistic and bitchy right now at this moment in time in this paragraph specifically on purpose because I'm pissed.

I don't like our little talks where you bring up we'll maybe we won't be a good fit and you might have to change therapists. It does come off as a threat to me. Like in my head it feels like you're saying if you don't do this then I'm going to quit being your therapist.

And I will tell you why it comes off that way to me even though I'm sure it is not your intention. My father my entire life and my mother seem to take some sort of fucked up joy in using threats to get me to do what they want. I have been threatened during very terrible traumas. So anything that could be perceived via certain wording basically lights a fire in me. I don't respond well to it.

I mean once my father was threatening me over and over and over again and I wanted so badly and I think I actually did at 1 point tell him "I don't negotiate with terrorists" Because that's what he does he terrorizes me. Not 24/7 but every once in a while he will just be a huge fucking bastard and act that way and it is like having a really shitty trauma happen every single time.

I don't even know the amount of traumas that I have because I can't even remember all of them clearly. It happened so much and has continued to happen so much that it feels like living is a trauma sometimes. It seems like I can't get through one fucking day without something ridiculous happening and blowing up in my face even if I avoid the fuck out of it somehowSomeone comes along and my day gets fucked up to hell. I'm not talking about getting the wrong order at a restaurant type of shit. I'm talking about the other day I was minding my own fucking business relaxing and my parents tried to rope me into this big fucking stupid drama with my sister that I have journaled aboutAnd I have spoken to you about it just a little bit not all of it but enough.

And it feels like this occurs every day.

For instance today. I want to go pick up my refill for my anxiety medication after I left your office and my Doctor had never called it in. Or there is an appointment I was supposed to go to and they did not send me a reminder or call me like they are supposed to because they know that otherwise I will completely fucking forget even if I write it down even if I put it in my phone even if I set an alarmMy brain sometimes just completely disregards things and it's not like me trying to be a fucking inconsiderate asshole.

I mean that is why I appreciate that you guys have a system put in place and I can call and confirm with Chelsea that I will be at the appointment or if I might be running late. Today I actually did call because I was trying to wrangle my cat that is very sick and I am very worried about her and she was running from me because of course she does not want to take the yucky pill that is going to make her feel better. So luckily right after I got off the phone with her I was able to catch the cat and pop the pill in her mouth and get her to swallow it and then head out the door and I got there on time so I tried really hard to be responsible and I think I did a pretty fucking good job and it's really hard for me to be proud of myself but I am trying to be that way.

I did not understand that you were only skimming what I write. But I do hope that you do see things from my perspective. Or at least try to. Because it's not just mental illness stuff that I have been misdiagnosed with. I have had physical misdiagnosis and medications I've been put on that have almost killed me several fucking times.

I have had horrible experiences with people in the medical field of all kinds of practices.

The fact that I even still go to therapy and go to the doctor in general is a fucking mystery to me because I do not want to go at all but I know that I need to or I'm not going to feel or get any better.

In fact I'm not even sure if I'm able to get any better than I already am. I'm willing to try.

An honestly unless I stand up in the middle of a session and tell you that I'm fucking done and I don't want to be your client anymore I don't feel that we need to stop therapy but I understand that it is your practice and that is up to you. I know that you're taught to look for certain things but I'm not one of those people That are typical in every sense of the word.

I know that there are some things that are very spot on with me it's pretty obvious I cannot deny that. But there are other things that people are getting confused about and I don't have the answer for it but I know that the answers that get thrown at me are also incorrect because I know my brain and I know my body and I've had the incorrect things thrown at me before and it did not end well for me.

Like for the first time in my life on on the least amount of medications.

Doctor Todd and other doctors before him tried me on fucking everything. If you want to look at Britney Spears for example how they basically fried her fucking brain with medication to control her. I suppose we could use that as an example if we want to but we don't know all the facts but I'm just metaphorically trying to work with something here because I don't know how else to explain it.

But I think because I've been put on so many medications and I've had so many fucking reactions to pretty much every single thing the those medicines aren't needed because they're not treating anything because I don't have the things that I have been misdiagnosed with.

You cannot treat a personality to disorder or complex PTSD really with medications and if you can then cool but I don't respond to the medications that are used for that. I will take them but I generally have horrible side effects and or allergic reactions Or complete opposite reaction we're very violent reactions or very gorked out reactions where I can't even speak correctly or function and I just sit there and cry because I can't figure out how a doorknob works.

I mean shock therapy has been suggested to me and I said fuck you no way in hell. I watched my uncle go through shock therapy my entire childhood and it did not help him and he was fucking miserable and he hated going and he would threaten to hurt himself if they made him go. And they would make him go and he would come back and he would not be himself for a while. But he also did not get any sort of symptom relief from the shock therapy and he kept telling my grandparents I remember I was a small child and I remember him having an argument with them because this is my youngest uncle and so he was probably in his 20s or 30s when I was little I think. He's in his 50s now. I'm bad at math.

You know also there was one thing I did not get to bring up in session which I wanted to tell you.

I have to get my hormones checked. I saw my primary care the other day and I am growing like a mustache mustache and a beard I just usually shave it off. So something is not correct. And some of my problems could just be hormonal.

I don't mean any harm by this journal entry I just really needed to vent and get it out of my system and I'll probably be irritated about it for a while and then get over it and if I don't get over it I suppose I'll have to bring it back up in session so we can talk it through.

But right now I am pissed off because I do not feel that I am understoo and I am triggered as shit about you bringing up personality disorders even though I completely understand how they work but my experience being falsely diagnosed with BPD was absolute fucking hell and I really don't want to talk about it again anytime soon I would like to work on EMDR therapy and do testing and work towards my goals and have 1 or 2 vinting sessions here and there like we have been doing And work at a steady pace if possible hopefully things will work out and go smoothly.

End I am perfectly okay and I'm giving you permission right now to show this to your colleague if need be.

You know I used to not be doing as bad as this and I am so pissed off because I can't show you that Right now. And I did get a concussion that I still have headaches from and I never got checked for an aneurysm when the test was called in at the hospital in New Orleans but I could not get a ride down there to find out if I do have a fucking brain bleed or anything like that or damage that I'm unaware of.

Because my mother future predicted and thought that I was going to be awful the entire way to New Orleans because we had a previous incident where we rode together and got into a big stupid fight

[jinxedshapeshifter]

Yknow what. I'm gonna make this post because I saw a Twitter thread and I think it's important.

Allistic people need to stop co-opting clinical terms for AuDHD experiences.

Hyperfixation and special interest are both clinical terms used to describe experiences exclusive to autism (in the case of special interests) and ADHD, and neither of them are fun to experience. Let's go over the two terms before I go any further.

Special Interest

A special interest is a usually lifelong interest exclusive to autism that usually starts in childhood (and is part of the diagnostic criteria; I don't remember if it's required or not). An autistic person can have multiple special interests as far as I know. Personally my primary special interest is zoology, and has been for as long as I can remember. I have an additional special interest in neurology that started because I had a seizure when I was 10 and I've been fascinated by neurology ever since, to the point I'm tempted to try to become a neurologist myself (technically this special interest is actually in medicine in general but I had this seizure and sorta honed in on neurology in addition to having a special interest in medicine lol). From my experience, the intensity of a special interest can wane and wax over time, but they're a constant in your life. For me personally, my special interest in zoology is more likely to be prominent if I'm hyperfixated on something involving animals (like Sonic or my furry OCs).

Here's the thing though: I have been subtly implied to be a predator because of my extensive knowledge of animals. I'm literally just someone who does way too much research on animals because of curiosity and fascination. In addition to this, while I definitely don't mind (it's an integral part of who I am, and people asking me to share that part of me makes me super happy), I've been treated as an actual zoologist amongst my friend groups and even in my family. I don't mind it as long as people acknowledge that I'm not a professional when it comes to animals, but it bothers the fuck out of me when I mention I don't know something and get told "well, aren't you super into zoology or something?"

Hyperfixations

Hyperfixations are like a more intense, shorter term version of a special interest that's not exclusive to autism. It's common for people with ADHD to end up with hyperfixations too. There is a slight difference between hyperfixation and hyperfocus; a hyperfixation is usually an interest that lasts months (although I've had some that last mere weeks and I'm sure hyperfixations lasting shorter amounts of time than that aren't unheard of), while hyperfocus is being so incredibly focused on something that doing anything else is out of the question. The two usually overlap but don't always.

Examples of things I've been hyperfixated on:

Undertale

Deltarune

The Good Doctor

Animal Crossing

Sonic the Hedgehog

Dungeons & Dragons (pretty sure this is a special interest at this point. If it goes dormant it does not take long for me to get back into it. It also feels like a more casual interest but I am Not Normal™️ about the Forgotten Realms lmao)

Ninjago

Again, hyperfixations aren't fun to have. I lost sleep when I was hyperfixated on The Good Doctor because I would stay up all night and watch it. I watched all 6 seasons (averaging 20 episodes each, with 45 minute episodes!!!) within 3 weeks. That wasn't healthy (which is kinda ironic in hindsight considering The Good Doctor is a medical drama but MOVING ON). I lost sleep when I first hyperfixated on Undertale in 2017. Losing sleep over hyperfixations ISN'T FUN. I just want a normal sleep schedule man.

Similarities Between The Two

From my experience, the biggest similarity between hyperfixations and special interests is with both of them, you can't really help what your interest is. It's why I hate it when people get upset with autistic people and people with ADHD when they have "problematic" interests (glares at everyone who gets upset that people are still interested in Harry Potter). I am very much aware of some of the issues with The Good Doctor. I was aware of them when my brother offered to watch it with me and we stayed up watching it until 3am. I still got hyperfixated on it.

I got hyperfixated on plane crashes a few months ago. Some people might not see how that's problematic, but aside from me also losing sleep over that one (this time for more than just staying up all night watching a show related to the interest), the ones that fascinated me the most and still do (aside from British Airways Flight 009)? The ones that were deliberately (or planned to be deliberately) taken down. Pan Am Flight 103. Philippine Airlines Flight 434. FedEx Flight 705. Air France Flight 8969. Germanwings Flight 9525. It fascinates me. But seeing people be shamed for special interests and hyperfixations deemed "problematic" also makes me feel bad even if I'm not specifically or directly being targeted.

Special interests and hyperfixations aren't some "uwu cute interest" we can control the topic or intensity of. I've hyperfixated on things to the point of forgetting to go to the bathroom until I'm almost too late to. I've hyperfixated on things to the point of forgetting to eat and drink. I've hyperfixated on terrorists taking down planes. My special interest in animals goes beyond just "man, animals are cool!" I have spent hours researching animals and their behavior, diets, reproduction, everything and it leads people to the wrong conclusion. All I want to talk about is what I personally am interested in. I had to physically stop myself from asking my grandpa to buy me new dice because yeah, gaming/campaign dice are another special interest I have, and that's not fucking cheap. The dice I was tempted to ask my grandpa to get me were almost $10 for a set of 3 at Walmart, and I wanted two sets. My grandparents aren't really in a great spot financially, and I was already asking for a $15 dice tower. I broke my ability to write regular stuff because I hyperfixated on HTML too close to the sun and my brain kept going "okay, but where are your <p> tags?????"

None of it is something I can control. That's why it's a symptom of a fucking disorder. You think AuDHD people are gatekeeping the terms special interest and hyperfixation? Fine, fuck you. You're just downplaying what those terms mean.

I've been refusing to watch anything except D&D: Honor Among Thieves because my autism brain personifies everything and I feel like I'd be betraying something if I watched something else, ended up fixated on that something else, and lost interest in D&D.

Hyperfixations and special interests aren't a fucking joke. They're fucking debilitating. I shouldn't be getting so focused on something that I forget to pee because I forgot my body does that in the first place and my focus being interrupted should not make me irritable, or borderline ANGRY.

"But what if --" IF THIS SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING YOU EXPERIENCE THEN YOU DON'T COUNT. I'M SPECIFICALLY TALKING ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO TALK ABOUT BEING ABLE TO BE INTERESTED IN THINGS A NORMAL AMOUNT AND STILL CALL IT A HYPERFIXATION OR SPECIAL INTEREST. If you don't LITERALLY MAKE YOURSELF SICK OR HAVE UNHEALTHY HABITS BECAUSE OF AN INTEREST, it's not a hyperfixation, and if you don't have autism, you can't have a special interest.

[thebibliosphere]

Mental health question if it doesn’t bother you; how did you manage to get the self-discipline and/or willpower to constantly get up and do things by your own volition? Just thinking about how much work you had to do to get your book written then out has me wanting to hide in my bedsheets.

With a lot of struggle, a great deal of help, and lasting mental trauma that left me unable to write for a year. I'd say 'lol' to lighten the mood, but, well...

The rest of this answer talks about death, so if you're not up for that, now you're time to scroll away.

At the time of writing Phangs, I knew I was being left to die from medical negligence. I knew I was dying, and I'm pretty certain everyone following me on here at the time knew it too. And yet they still supported my patreon, likely knowing that the thing they were pledging for would never see the light of day.

Grimly determined to not go gently into that good night and confined to my bed most days, I wrote what I could on the days I was lucid. The end result was a 500k manuscript that I have since spent the better half of two years during my recovery, breaking up and reworking into something (hopefully) resembling coherence.

But make no mistake, I did none of this alone.

I'm very fortunate to have had a partner who loved and cared for me at my worst and continues to do so. Friends who support me and cheer me on when my brain weasels come back. And also the team of professionals I work with to get the book(s) ready for publication.

I was also very fortunate that my editors over at @roselarkpublishing were willing to hold my hand through a lot of the administration stuff, which seemed wholly daunting and undoable at the time. (And still does if I'm having a low spoons day.)

And even then with all that help I still have plenty of days where my brain does the equivalent of a toddler throwing themselves down on the ground, kicking their legs in the air, and wailing, "I dun waaanaaaaa."

Because I am mentally ill on top of the ADHD, and I will always have bad days. And while some folks might be able to brute force their way out of them, I'm no longer one of them. I broke my brain by forcing myself to work when I should have been resting. So now it's less a question of 'willpower' and 'discipline,' and more about what I'm doing to support myself that enables me to be creative and do my job.

I have purposely spent the last year trying to come up with a system for getting shit done that works for me. And in all things, I try to treat myself with kindness.

Have you eaten? Slept? Is your work/living environment conducive to focusing and getting shit done? Have you been doing things that make you happy? What are you struggling with? Is there someone you can ask to help clarify things? No? Let's find some then, shall we...

So please don't think of it as a lack of willpower or discipline, and consider instead what you need to feel better in order to get things done. And also to ask for help.

Any author who tells you they do everything themselves without any help from others is either a liar or oblivious to the amount of work other people do on their behalf. They're not good people to take writing advice from.

[stephaniedola]

Hey I saw a rb of yours that looks like you're having mental health problems and I try to send people resources when I think they could use them soo: You'll benefit from looking at them right away, but you can also save them on your desktop and schedule yourself or give yourself reminders to use them. Even chipping away at them bit by bit is good.

https://www.verywellmind.com/about-explanatory-styles-3145110 - A very short read but very useful.

https://www.therapistaid.com/ - Accessible mental health and therapy education, resources and worksheets.

https://socialwork.buffalo.edu/resources/self-care-starter-kit/developing-your-self-care-plan.html - Functional, kind, well-communicated and succinct resource for taking care of yourself and all your needs, both long-term and in crisis.

https://socialwork.buffalo.edu/resources/self-care-starter-kit/self-care-assessments-exercises/exercises-and-activities.html - Guidance on resting and relaxing effectively, time management, physical health, lifestyle and mental health maintenance.

https://socialwork.buffalo.edu/resources/self-care-starter-kit/additional-self-care-resources/developing-your-support-system.html - Once again practical, kind and wise guidance and tips for how to find, develop and maintain a comprehensive support system and what to avoid.

https://positivepsychology.com/mental-health-exercises-interventions - A good in-depth guide and overview for treating and managing anxiety and depression and their symptoms, with references and links to other resources.

Mental health apps like Wysa and Sanvello - Accessible and low effort, recommend to use alongside other resources.

https://integralguide.com/%E2%AD%90%EF%B8%8F+Start+Here/About - A great wiki and tree/CYOA format guide and resource for treating things like anxiety, trauma, CPTSD, depression, ADHD and OCD, and for improving overall wellbeing. If nothing else, read the short intro because it demonstrates what it is.

Mental Health Resource List https://drive.google.com/file/d/1jbAxPB8QKG3NLUKNZB8h1fNUjzcXaNrZ/view - Problem, minority and area specific international resources.

Books by Babette Rothschild, particularly 8 Keys to Safe Trauma Recovery - She's a therapist with experience with mental illness (including PTSD) and her books contain much of the same therapy and education you get in a therapist's office - they're very well written, informative, accessible and gentle and if you can't afford buying you can get them from online or physical libraries.

You can try googling "[country/city/county/state] (health condition/circumstance/demographic) (financial/medical/therapy) [aid/assistance/program/services/benefits/discount]" to find professional help or services that you can access - there's a lot of help out there but a lot of it is just obscure and underadvertised.

https://www.healthline.com/health/therapy-for-every-budget has all kinds of free or cheap ways to access mental health services or other help - it's American but you can use it as reference for what to look for elsewhere too.

omg ;; thank u so much anon i rly appreciate this...

[cruelsister-moved]

People calling their abusers ‘narcissists’ and saying that their abusiveness was caused by it IS harmful to those with narcissistic personality disorder. and if you think being anti-psychiatry solely means denying mentally ill ppl and especially mentally ill poc labels that they can use to seek treatment if they do choose, you’re mistaken. You realize that diagnoses are by and large the only way we’re taken seriously in any capacity, don’t you? It must be nice to not have medical trauma 🤷🏾‍♀️

and what is this to do with me exactly... i didnt say any of this shit like why are you acting like ive been going around calling ppl narcissists? the fact u worked this hard to misunderstand my point is so depressing. there is no autonomy to be found in labels that tell people suffering from maladaptive coping mechanisms to long term trauma that their personality is disordered and telling them that everything from "dressing unusually" to "literally abusing people" is a symptom.

even if you think labelling people rather than simply addressing their trauma directly&individually and helping them to develop safer coping mechanisms IS the answer, you must see that the way personality disorders are defined is cruel and dehumanising to extremely vulnerable people, when a diagnosis of complex ptsd would be infinitely more appropriate & conductive to that person's future recovery and treatment.

compare these two screenshots, both from the NHS website. Notice how they both describe extremely similar behaviour, but when talking about BPD this behaviour is patholgised excessively, whereas when talking about complex PTSD it's described much more thoughtfully and with understanding of their root in trauma and better recognising of the autonomy of the patient.

now think about why a medical professional, when presented with a patient displaying these symptoms, would choose one diagnosis over the other. think about how differently someone with one label attached vs the other might be treated by professionals who believe in an inherent difference between these symptomatic profiles.

think about why POC are more likely to be labelled with INTENSELY pathologised profiles like "oppositional defiant disorder" while cis white men get sympathetic diagnoses like adhd and ptsd. 75% of bpd diagnoses are women because their rational responses to trauma are seen as 'impulsive, disturbed, irregular' when a man exhibiting the exact same symptoms would be treated differently.

you're essentialising if you think my criticism of the LABELS is a criticism of the human beings they are applied to, rather than the human beings who apply them. psychiatrists aren't gods, psychiatric diagnoses aren't inherent natural phenomena, they're not objective reality that shows up on a chemical test. they are profiles of symptoms made up by human beings, guided by the same bias and bigotry and the rest of society bears. they can be criticised just like anything else.

hysteria used to be a formal diagnosis. lobotomy used to be a sanctioned psychiatric treatment!! psychiatrists can be wrong and when they enshrine harmful ideas as medical fact its important to criticise them?? the psychiatric community itself is still incredibly divided on the topic!!!! noticeably they are less widespread in the UK, which has not-for-profit health and prison services, than the US,which has both healthcare and prison systems which are primarily organised around producing profit. 🧐

[eroticcannibal]

Risu how old were you when you were diagnosed with ADHD? I'm 19 and I've suspected I have ADHD for years now but I haven't been able to get the motivation to get properly assessed for it. I mentioned it to my old CAMHS psych nurse when I was 17 but she said "I don't know you well enough to say if you have that" and ended up kicking me out because I kept turning up high so I never got any kind of answer there. I dropped out of school when I was 13 because it was always a nightmare for me and I've recently decided I need to get my shit together and do my GCSEs online but I feel like they're gonna be a nightmare and if I do have ADHD now is probably the best time to get it assessed and get some help but I feel like I'm too old now and if I really had ADHD my teachers or CAMHS people would've picked up on it so I keep doubting myself. And also I keep thinking I could have some other Brain thing instead of ADHD and it's a waste of time trying to guess what's up with me because I'm not a professional but also I don't trust professionals because they've treated me poorly in the past so I'm fucked a bit here. Anyway I'm rambling now. How do you go about getting diagnosed with ADHD in the UK and should I even bother getting assessed if I suspect I have ADHD? And also am I too old at this point? Oh also my mother is diagnosed wi5h ADHD but she doesn't believe in it and apparently my school tried to assess me for it as a kid but she wouldn't let them because she thinks it's made up. And I was put in a special ed group for my entire time in primary school but I never got told why. Everyone had a diagnosis of ADHD or autism or a learning disability except for me. Good luck reading this sorry it's so long and incoherent

Ok so first of all I am no proffesional but u have adhd. That is very clear. U could have something else too but I would be VERY surprised if u dont have adhd. Like if they were to put an anon in the diagnostic criteria this would be it shshhs

Now getting diagnosed is down to the postcode lottery. Go to a GOOD GP who is willing to keep hassling people and get them to do a refferal. I have no idea where you should be reffered to, depends entirely on what services are available where u are. They may not even advertise they will deal with ADHD. my gp eventually was able to get an autism service fucking MILES AWAY to accept me for an adhd assessment but the waitlist is 2 years. There are no adult adhd services where I live and none of the adult autism services cover it either. Hopefully it is better where you are.

I've heard of getting shared care and funding for private but I did not have the spoons to work all that out.

Hopefully where u are is better funded but it can be a fight either way. If ur gp won't help just keep seeing different gps until they help. It would be useful to write yourself a list of all the reasons why u think u have adhd, take ur time and be thorough. The fact that ur mum has it and ur school attempted to have u assessed are huge points in your favour. Also identify now anyone who knew you as a child who will back you up on your experiences and symptoms, assessments will involve testimony from someone who knew u as a child. Usually it would be parents but oh my god please do not involve your mother. But do tell them why cus that whole thing really is good, diagnostically speaking.

For ur list, what I've picked out in your message that would be relevant: being high all the time (self medicating is super common with adhd), dropping out of school (again academic struggles are common and hitting a wall during teens to early adulthood is a very adhd experience, for me it was 18 and for me mum it was part way through uni), your mother having adhd (something something the most common cause of adhd diagnosis in adults is ur kid being diagnosed, works backwards too. Shit is very genetic.), school tried to assess you for it, school provided additional educational support where some of your peers also had adhd.

The benefits u will get will be access to meds and accomadations for study (which should be provided regardless but ableism is a thing)

Possible alternative route tho! Now I've only heard of one place doing it and only for degrees, so u will need to enquire if anywhere else will do it with GCSEs, but Sheffield uni (one of them, I forget which) will pay for private assessments. I dont expect that will be common but u might get lucky.

And its never too late to be diagnosed, its just harder.