#and late summer is NEVER good for me mentally so it's frankly amazing i made it this far

[storybook-souls]

ugh i wish it was easier to logic myself out of feeling bad.

[lady-of-lies]

King of your heart

A/N: Just one more prompt and I’m back on track!! This is just a cute little blurb written in all haste and as all the other fics I’ve posted lately it’s not at all edited, but I hope someone finds joy between the words

Prompt: “This isn’t working, is it?”

Word count: 949

Warnings: None at all!

Loki Laufeyson x reader

It was finally here! The most wonderful time of the year had finally arrived!, yeah, right, what a load of crap that was. This part of the year has not been any different from the rest besides that it now is freezing cold and you need a million layers of clothing just to step out the door. Still, you prefer this weather to the inhuman heat waves washing in on the country every summer, in your own words ‘it was hot enough to get everyone roasted’, a pun that, mind you, against popular belief had been very well received. 

Even if there were a lot of things with this holiday season causing you more problems than enjoyment, there is one thing that will bring a smile to your lips every time. Figure skating, or just skating in general, if there's ice involved you were in, simple as that. When a certain god sauntered in to your life, quite literally, you didn’t know of his chilly heritage. You had found out by accident one time during the cursed summertime a few months ago, and ever since you had loved him even more. It must have been fate, if there was such a thing out there, that is.

You had been laying the groundwork for the past few weeks now, you had been sucking up to him left and right, being overly sweet, baking him those cookies he loves so much despite them being a ‘midgardian miniature’ of whatever cookies they had back in his beloved Asgardian palace. Dating a literal prince had its pros and cons, mostly pros, but when it came to normal everyday chores such as laundry or cooking he was hopeless. But you loved him nevertheless. You wanted him to come ice skating with you tomorrow, you wanted to show him the only holiday activity worth trying. It would have been an easy feat if he wasn’t as stubborn  as a donkey’s backside.

You approached him with caution, much like you would a scared animal. He sat in his usual spot by the window, feet propped up on a nearby table, a book in his lap lazily kept in place with two fingers and head relaxing against a Christmas pillow. Moreover, that pillow is one of the few Christmas decorations you allowed into your home, it reflected you holiday spirit perfectly, and quite frankly summed up Loki’s entire character in two simple words “Oh deer”. Both funny and useful, the perfect combination.

You stood still, silently watching him for a while, contemplating if this really was a good idea. Your nerves were all on edge and you made a mental note to never wear a shirt with cufflinks when trying to ask important questions. It was now or never. You had to get it out before you changed your mind and just walked away again. You started with a careful yet noticeable clearing of your throat to catch his attention. He didn’t look up from the old pages of parchment but you knew he was listening to you thanks to the slight rising of his right eyebrow.

“Loki, I was uh… I was wondering… If you, might, you don’t have to by any means, but it would make me very happy if yo-”

You had started to word vomit. Great. And you would have continued on with that if you hadn’t been stopped by a curious gaze sent your way accompanied with a loud thud as the book that he had previously been reading snapped shut. His feet were no longer resting on the table and his very regal, and to be honest, somewhat degrading position, told you that you now had his full attention. 

“You’re stalling, my dear. What is it?”

It was a simple sentence, yet he managed to calm you down with so little. It amazed you what effects he had on you, but right now there was no time for such thoughts right now, you had a mission to accomplish. At least that’s what you kept on telling yourself. 

“I just.. uhm… wanted to ask you if you wanted to come skating with me tomorrow?”

For a minute there you thought you’d just rambled on in front of a statue or something with how still he had become. He had clearly not expected that to be the ‘very important thing’ you wanted to ask him before. The clock ticked on and on and he didn’t move a muscle. Not. A. One. Maybe you broke him? He didn’t even blink for a solid three minutes before the silence finally got to you and you, once again, started to ramble in a futile attempt to save the situation.

“This isn’t working, is it? I tried to ask nicely, maybe I shouldn't have said anything, I will just go by myself tomorrow, really, there’s no problem at all I’ll eve-”

“Will you stop talking for a second, pet? I may have been surprised by your proposition at first, but seeing as it means so much to you I’ll gladly accompany you to this ‘ice skating’ thing you talk so fondly about.”

Now that was a welcomed surprise, not like last year when you got stuck up a turkey’s ass, but that’s a story for another time. Tomorrow you would get to show loki the real reason why you adored ice as much s you did, and who knows, maybe he will come to share this love with time. You just couldn’t wait for him to realize he was a king already. He was the king of your heart.

Permanent Tag list:

@theincaprincess​ @deepestfirefun​ @indelwen-of-mirkwood​ @gaia-writes-stuff​ @sdavid09​  @peter-pan-on-neverland​ @ek823​ @naomiiiiiiiiiii04​ @soradragon​ @themarauderstheoutsidersandpeggy​

[ultraguardians]

Happy Birthday Luke!

—

Here’s a list of everyone on this drawing:

Top two behind, left to right: radicole + ctarhne

Middle, left to right: lotsofdreamboatz, cc, kaestiell, ultraguardians, lyssyloops, shutupsprinkles, cheapsushii

bottom two, left to right: sparkiemcfly + dragonessgem

—

BUT, before you go, make sure to read our messages :D!

“Happy birthday, bro! You’re a huge inspiration to me and frankly I cant thank you enough. I used to watch your content all the time when I was younger, rediscovering your content and joining your streams has been one of the best decisions ive ever decided to make. To make a long story short, my mental health has been in a rough spot for a long while but the first stream of yours’ I attended had me smiling all night for the first time in genuine years. Your music is just incredible, Ive used it to cheer myself up, get me inspired and to pump me up on many occasions, I seriously cant get enough of it and im not a good enough of a wordsmith to be able to describe how much your stuff has helped me and sadly I dont think there’s ever a way I could possibly repay you for all the rad stuff you’ve given to all of us. Keep being awesome, keep giving those good vibes! Happy birthday and all the best.“ -Lyssyloops

—-

“uhh hey mr town, happy birthday dude!! im very much a lurker im trying to sort of get out of that hole but. ive been a fan for. a long ass time now and ive always really appreciated your music and the few streams ive caught and just you.. existing, man. thanks for being you, happy removal day :kicc: (click here to see what :kicc: is!) -CC”

—- “hey luke! i’m way too shy to talk on streams sometimes, but i just want to say that you’re a huge inspiration to me and your music really helped me through a bit of a rough patch in 2018. keep being awesome, and happy birthday!”                 - from cheapsushii

—-

“YOOOO Put sprinkles on your birthday cake man!” -shutupsprinkles

—-

“luke, i sincerely just want to say thank you. thank you for everything you have done. all the music you’ve made, and all the videos as well on your channel. through your channel, i have met the most WONDERFUL people I could have ever met. each and almost every twitch stream, i get to meet more and more new friends each time. i always thought I was the lonely one out of the bunch, but now, all I see are friends all around me. now I see you all are here for me, and that’s such a cozy feeling, getting to talk to those on the stream and anywhere else. luke, just know this. you have made this summer the best summer I could have ever asked for- and i really REALLY mean that. thank you. sincerely. i hope you know how much of an impact you’ve made on all of our lives. happy birthday, luke. from all of us. - kae/kaestiell

—- ”(read each word out loud) hey mr luke it’s herobrine. thank you for teaching me the overwatch sir… remember kids education is important like a victory royale. anyway i believe i must admit mr sizemore, your cover of fireflies by owl city and heart-felt confession of wanting cocaine, which means crack truly moved me. dig up diamonds and craft those diamonds and make some armor, get it, go and forge that like you so MLG pro, godspeed, mr sizemore. uwu i howope youwu have a gweat biwthday….. i remember the first day i hopped in this stream and i thought, “uwu, whats dis?” it was magical. the absolute glee and giddy i find bubbling in my chest whenever I see the notification of your presence on my twitch is unrivaled. you have brought me those epic positive vibes and i respect you immensely.  for that, i wish upon you epic kills and minecraft cake. hit it fergie, godspeed - dream/lotsofdreamboatz (click here for free food)”

—- “Hey Luke! Hope you are having a good day! I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you. I’ve only really been on your streams for about 3 months but those months have been an absolute blast. You are such an awesome creator and even if I only am able to stop by for a little bit I always leave your streams with a smile. You always have such positive, wholesome vibes and I really appreciate it. You are also incredibly talented and you inspire me to work hard to do the things I love. I hope that you achieve everything you could ever want to, you really deserve it. Honestly, just thank you for existing. You make the world a little brighter every day. Happy birthday! Never stop being awesome -Dragonessgem

 —- 

hi mister luke yungtown sizemore; have a happy very good very nice amazing birthday,,, you are a legend thank you for blessing me, mister seth ctarhne (and everyone else) with beautiful amazing content. get that bread bro :D if you don’t have a good birthday I might just have to come out of my hidey hole and i will put a good curse??? spell?? magic,, thing,,, on you so you can have a good day because you deserve it >:) 

 👁👃👁 

     👄 

—- I'm a little late but Happy birthday Luke!! I can't express how much I friggen love you. You brought back my love for rapping and I even plan on doing the Triforce rap for my talent show! (If I can find an instrumental version) You're kind and sweet and love what you do I respect that. You deserve so much! You're better than any modern rapper out there, Eminem included. I love you so much I named a stuffed animal of my favorite animal (penquin) after you! Have the best birthday possible!! ~Yellow Daisy AKA TRGFan101

 ----

“Hello mr town it is I. A cryptid. Twitch is the worst and won’t let me verify my account but I wish you the best birthday wishes possible and also the world, considering I have Asagao to thank for many friends of mine. Keep doing your funky thing sir. Happy birthday.”-Hawky, the one who’s mentioned by people but never shows up

—-

“Happy birthday, Luke. I’m glad I was able to find your twitch. Your content is down to earth and engaging, making it feel really personal and rewarding to interact with and watch your streams. You have continually been an incredibly respectful and genuine person, and that’s everything someone could want from a content creator, or just a friend in general. You’ve made yourself a friend to so many people, even making some friends around me genuinely light up when twitch notifications appear on their phone or laptop. I couldn’t thank you more for helping the people around me. I’ve only just started watching, but I’m here to stay. Have a phenominal year. - Crime/lordcrime”

—-

and last but not least, me, the one who put this all together :D!

“hewwo luke. I hope you have a great birthday my dude!! I tried my best to draw the apricot nectar cake, since you seemed so happy when you talked about it. But besides that, I hope you’re the happiest that you can be on this day and that your smile outshines the sun. Just know we all love you, dude, you’re fun, chill, happy and bring everyone’s spirits up, and the chat is always fun to talk in. Having come across your twitch streams over 6 months ago was the best thing that has happened this year, because, man, you have made a great community and I’m so glad man. Here’s hoping for more years with you and the yungfam. Again, happy birthday you mad lad. -eon/ultraguardians.”

—-

[spekulative]

starting anew!

hi! if by the odd chance you knew me from my old blog, i realized that i was restricted from carrying out a lot of functions i might want to in the future if i were to grow my blog (it was a sideblog to an old, 2013 blog i had and when i replied to comments or respond to asks it’d be as my primary). so instead i decided to create a new account so that lycho could be my primary blog! since i did have a few posts that i wanted to keep for history sake, this is just going to be a mega post of my past few posts: 

apr 6, 2020 - the beginning

day 1 of my journey with ux!

frankly, i’ve been on this journey for the past two years (ever since discovering it) but i feel as though i haven’t made any real progress. i’ve always claimed i wanted to grow and learn more about the field, yet those goals never showed in my day-to-day actions.

this blog is a collection of my progress on this journey to keep myself accountable. the goal is facebook in a year, baby!

i know it’s super idealistic and quite tough for a second year like me who’s not even in a design program (business, actually). but i still want to try. i want to do something for myself for once.

that is why i am committing 4 hours everyday to honing my craft. whether that is learning about ux through watching youtube tutorials, skillshare course, or reading medium articles, or actually practicing the craft by making redesigns or wireframes, i will dedicate this time strictly to advancing my expertise within the field. and this blog exists to keep up with my every step of the way :)

apr 8, 2020 - website overhaul

today I worked on cleaning up the modularity of my existing website a bit, making use of consistent classes instead of hard-coding like i used to! oh how i love modularity!

small win: making a navbar that breaks out of the standard bounding box of the site’s content --> next goal is to make it a sticky navbar with js!

other than my website, yesterday I finished a skillshare course on user-centred design, albeit short, it was really valuable and it only motivates me to continue learning. I’m starting to realize how much I actually like doing this stuff and think it is something that really clicks and not just something im doing for the looks.

slowly but surely getting the hang of dedicated 4 hour time chunks to my craft - i failed yesterday and the day before (woke up around 9/10 instead of starting at 8:30) but today i did pretty well! took a short 20 min nap inbetween haha but I’m still proud of myself overall :)

it’s been pretty depressing and lonely lately with the quarantine (when the sun is shining so bright, teasing me grr..) but I want to get back into a routine and be productive although i do have my lazy days. it just overall makes me feel better because who knows how long we’ll have to live like this. might as well get used to it.

apr 9, 2020 - website overhaul

hi! so today i wanted to be very candid and share that i feel like i did fail today in terms of the goals i had set out for myself, though I reached 1/2 goals so that’s good! the first was to finish refining my website and publish it (check!), while the other was to finish the financial statements for my business assignment but alas that did not end up happening haha, but i forgive myself for it and know that tomorrow will be a new day!

I actually woke up early today (around 7:30, earlier than usual) and felt awake, yet mentally I just wanted to go back to sleep so I ended up getting up at 9:30. I then regretted it and beat myself up for it briefly for doing that, but I realized that I should let myself off in these strange times we’re all living in right now.

so, i think i really am going to get serious about my design journey! my only concern is that i feel like im stretching myself too thin - i have a full time design internship offer for this summer for a startup, as well as 2 leadership positions on clubs where I lead/work on the branding and design, but also at the same time I”m always at home so not sure what is reasonable and what is not. Because when I’m not doing that, I want to be self-learning, but I recently a discovered a mentorship program where I could be mentored by a startup founder to help scale her business, but again I feel like I’m stretching myself thin. though it’s a really good opportunity.

anywho, updates on my website like this post was supposed to be about is that i finally published it again after not liking how it looked before, and i think this revamp is a lot cleaner! proud of it. i try not to reveal many of my personal details on here bc i’m not sure who would actually be reading it, but this blog is just a way for me to track, myself, how i’m doing and to keep myself accountable :) i just didn’t want to set it to private cause it’s a hassle for me to always enter the password if i want to look at my blog.

lastly, i want to start consistently workout - and in the long term actually start a real blog where I write about my experiences, in actual coherent sentences! amazing. creative-wise i really want to start learning 3d illustration and blender, even though i’m an aspiring product designer but i just love 3d and motion, so idk might be stretching myself too thin again but i feel like I need to stretch my creative muscles this way and push myself as a creator. also starting the daily ui challenge again tomorrow after giving up a few months ago - haha!

let’s see how this one pans out :)

apr 10, 2020 - learning + starting anew

today i started two new things !!

restarted daily ui challenge after quitting a week in last year

started to learn blender ! !

i still feel like i failed today because i mostly sat around doing nothing OTHER than design, which just affirms to me that im truly passionate about this stuff for only having motivation to do it (or just a strong will against my homework for uni still....either way im taking it)

although i’m not that great at blender yet and felt frustrated during the process, when i got the end result i realized i like how it turned out despite it not being perfect, and it’s inspiration for me to keep learning and expanding on my skills :)

same with daily ui - i found that my approach this time compared when i literally knew NOTHING about ux was very different.

for example, something I already notice I'm doing differently from the last time is focusing less on decoration and more on practicality, actually naming/grouping layers and leveraging design systems, and injecting personality to make the experience delightful. I'm also limiting myself to two hours now (though this one took about an hour) so I have more time to do some research, sketch and wireframe before styling.

looking forward to a better day tomorrow! i might do a little less design (maybe just a daily ui shot) so i can focus on actually tackling the report i’m supposed to finish as well as study for an upcoming exam, so we will see! feeling good :))

[airiustide]

Fair Warning to my Heart

Chapter 3 of The Water Witch of Biei Village

Summary: The family gets ready for a new addition.  Katara wants to experience this moment with the people she loves. With Izumi and Zuko by her side, Katara knows she can get through anything.

A/N: Please note that some of Katara's birthing experience is based off my own. Everyone has their views on the right way to give birth, and I don't believe a single one of them are wrong, as long a you were happy with the results, so please don't comment if you disagree or possibly feel offended. This is the last chapter to this fic. Thank you all for the likes, comments and reblogs. I really enjoyed writing this.

Chapter 1 2

Chapter 3 posted on AO3

A nice bath did the trick. Katara relaxes with a contented sigh as she wraps a clean robe around herself and sits at the vanity, humming as she brushes her curly, long hair. The palace was quiet now that the day’s events ended.

Summer Solstice was a big thing in the Fire Nation. Across the nation towns, villages, and cities celebrated with their own versions of festivities. It was something Katara liked about the people here. They didn’t have these kinds of celebrations in the South Pole. Their withered, little village could hardly stand as it was before she was even born.

Izumi had her fill of fun today; squealing with excitement over the various venders lined up in the streets with food, gifts and trinkets. The fireworks were a favorite of both mother and daughter.

Zuko wouldn’t have it, at first. The two of them walking through the city alone. Katara convinced him with the promise that they would always stay with his guard during their visit to the city. She reluctantly agrees, wanting to spend this time with Izumi before the baby came.

They had discovered that Katara was pregnant not even half a year after Izumi’s fifth birthday. A result from a visit to the Northern Water Tribe. Zuko was needed to go over new trades. Katara begged him to take her so she could see the ice city for herself. It was breathtaking, nothing like the South Pole. Though, she didn’t care for their customs, the people were kind. Chief Arnook had asked if her and Zuko were married. They explained that the Fire Nation would not recognize a union between royalty and a commoner. Sad to hear that, Arnook proposed that they marry in the Northern Water Tribe; they would always recognize the couple as a union in their country.

There was no need to think it through; they loved each other, and they couldn’t help but jump on the opportunity.

Zuko thought she looked beautiful in a white water tribe parka and Katara thought he looked handsome in traditional water tribe attire; hair tied in a wolf’s tail, a single beaded braid tucked behind his ear.

They made love without precautions that night and neither cared.

Now she was mere weeks away from giving birth. With a request, she had sought the help of Yugoda and several other healers from the Northern Water Tribe to help aid in the birthing process along with Kioko.

Katara’s not at all startled when Zuko storms in the room. He sighs an aggravated growl and tosses his crown on the dresser.

“Long day?”

Zuko barely looks over his shoulder and nods. Katara sees that he’s favoring the left side of his neck where his shoulder meets and gets up, telling him to lie face down on the bed and relax. Zuko removes his armor and royal robes until he’s left in nothing but his boots and trousers, falling flat on the bed with a groan. “You’d think with summer solstice my advisors would go easy on me. Proposal after damn proposal, yet no one seemed to want to come to a compromise or even stick to one subject for that matter.” Zuko groans louder, Katara’s hands working his neck muscles. His limbs fall limp. “Why can’t my days be more like this?” He muffles in the pillow. “Just me, you, Izumi, the baby and your healing hands.”

Katara chortles, planting a kiss on the back of Zuko’s neck. “That kind of luxury doesn’t come with being a Fire Lord. But no one is more capable of handling this than you are, Zuko.”

“Mmm.” Zuko hums when she works through a rough knot in his left shoulder. “There’s a lot of thing I’m not capable of...you make that possible somehow, love.”

Katara shakes her head. “I’m just a healer.”

Zuko rolls on his back, pulling Katara on top of him. “You are more than just a healer. You are powerful, beautiful, and undeniably talented. You’re a true master of your element, a respected diplomat when the other ambassadors don’t know apples from Adam and an amazing partner and mother. I can’t see my life any better otherwise or the lives you’ve touched in this nation.”

Katara smiles ear to ear, cerulean eyes lit up for the man she loved. “You think too highly of me, Fire Lord Zuko.”

“On the contrary, Master Katara, I don’t think enough of you.” His hands slide up and down her arms and he kisses up her bicep to the crook of her neck. “Maybe I should build a shrine to prove a point.”

Katara rolls her eyes, sitting up, and smacks Zuko on the bottom to get him to lay back on his stomach again. “On your belly, your majesty.”

“Feisty.” Zuko teases. “That’s what I really like about you. Shouldn’t I be the one giving you a massage? You’re pretty far along, Kat.”

“This is actually a good distraction. I haven’t been able to sit still for days. I think this is what Yugoda calls the ‘nesting stage’.”

“You really think you’re that close?”

“Hmm...I don’t know, I’m still a few weeks away.”

“Don’t rely on estimations. She’ll come when she’s ready.”

“And how do you know it’s a girl?”

“Instinct.”

Yeah, where have I heard that before. Katara mentally remarks. “Izumi’s been curious about my pregnancy a lot lately. Today, she asked me where babies come from.”

Zuko’s eyes almost pop out of his head. “Please tell me you told her that a messenger hawk delivers them to parents who make wishes?”

“Really? That’s what you come up with?” Katara sighs. “I was honest. I told her babies are born in the belly of a mother as a result of two people in love. And that in some cases mothers have babies on their own due to certain circumstances but that doesn’t change how a mother loves her child. It was pretty deep, but I didn’t go into anything inappropriate.”

“And you believe somehow she understands that?”

“Children a more discerning than adults are led to believe. Give her some credit, Zuko.”

He sighs, knowing Katara was one-hundred percent right. “Of course, love.”

It’s not even dawn yet. A dull pain like an electric shock course across Katara’s abdomen. She sits up in bed, blinking twice, thinking maybe the pain was just a dream. She waits about fifteen- twenty minutes maybe- before she shrugs it off and sinks back into bed. Another pang hits her this time, harder. It lasts for maybe a minute before subsiding.

“Zuko.” She shakes his sleeping form. “Zuko. Get up. I think I’m in labor.”

Katara jumps when he jolts out of bed, frantically turning in circles. His long hair in a messy bun, eyes still glazed and red with sleep. “Yugoda!” he shouts, tripping on his feet, getting back up and running out of the room.

“Zuko! Your robe.” But it was too late. He already stumbled out the room with only his sleep trousers. Katara shakes her head. Her contractions were still far apart, so they could’ve taken the time to get to the birthing room.

Katara sighs, getting out of bed to gather some things. Kioko shows up to help, stating the Fire Lord is currently running the halls in search for the waterbending healer. Katara asks if he had any luck making it to the guest quarters. Kioko only laughs telling her Yugoda is preparing the room for her as they speak. The Fire Lord will learn that once he stops his panicked roaming.

“Should I wake the princess, madam?”

“No. let her sleep a little longer. It’s still early.”

Zuko’s already in the birthing room, being scolded by Yugoda for running around the palace indecent and that he should be setting an example considering his status. After taking an earful, Zuko accepts a tunic Katara brought along for him and the healers begin to undress Katara; dressing her in water tribe bindings for comfort and tying her hair in a loose bun.

“It is most unorthodox, your majesty.” Advisor Chu exclaimed in the Fire Lord’s study. Zuko was there to rush through some final things before heading back to the birthing room. Katara urged that it was okay since her contractions weren’t anywhere near close together. He remembers Mai and how many long hours it took to have Izumi. “For a man, especially of your stature, to be in the room as well as the princess, while she gives birth is barbaric.”

“You dare question the life choices of me and my family?” He wasn’t there for Mai. He’d be damn if he wasn’t for Katara. “Watch your tongue, Chu, that is my wife and the mother of my two children you are speaking of.”

But Chu doesn’t give up. “I’m just saying,” he argues, “since this waterbender has come along, she has been defiant of any and all of our traditions. This is profane! Do you not see what she is doing? Joining you in matrimony in a completely different country, even though the Fire Nation will never accept it? Having you participate in the birth-”

“I don’t need a documented parchment with a stamp of approval for Katara to be my wife. And I don’t need you telling me what’s best for my family and the decisions we make- as a family. You are entitled to your opinion, Chu, but in the end, this is mine. I give my life and duty for this country but when it comes to the people I love, that’s mine to do with what I please, and I don’t need your superficial advice to tell me otherwise.”

This wasn’t the first time something like this was brought up, and frankly, Zuko was tired of hearing it but he will be there for Katara and so will Izumi. This was their wish.

Zuko returns to the birthing room, refusing to give Chu another word. It was mid-morning by then and Izumi was already up and handing Katara a glass of water which she turned ice and crumbled, chewing since liquids wren’t allowed to be consumed while in labor.

“Daddy, look. I’m helping.” The six-year-old grinned happily.

“You all right?” Katara asked, sweat formed on her brow but Zuko could tell she was forcing herself from expressing the pain she was going though. Her problems came first.

“I’m fine. What can I do to help?”

“Her water broke about a couple hours ago but she’s dilating at a slow pace.” Yugoda informs. Katara whines, rocking her hips while standing and leans against the bed post.

“Shouldn’t she be lying down?” Zuko asks worriedly.

Yugoda laughs. “No wonder your woman go through such excruciating births. No. Unless baby and mother are in danger, it’s good for Katara to move as she pleases, in any position she’s comfortable with. I ran a bath for her just in case, there’s a mat on the floor by the bed, and my healers are prepared to aid in anything Katara needs.”

“W-what should I do?”

Yugoda pats his arm, chuckling at his confusion. “You just be there for your partner.”

Zuko can see the relief in Katara eyes as he took her into his arms. He holds her arms as she leans her forehead against his mid-chest, back bent and rocking side to side. Zuko joins her, allowing her to use him in any way she needed. Yugoda checks to see how mother and child is doing. She claims the baby’s head is facing sideways and that Katara would have to kneel on her hands and knees to reposition it. Zuko massages her back; long, low groans drawled out of Katara’s mouth, the contractions now moving to ten minutes apart.

Yugado checks again, the baby now in the right position. She reminds Katara to take deep, slow breaths through the contractions. Katara says the pain is worse in her back. Yugoda concludes that it most likely is back labor.

Hours go by. The healers are on stand by and Katara is now bent over the bed on her knees, Zuko rubbing her lower back with his thumbs. Izumi is lying in front of her, just awakening from a nap.

“Mommy.” Izumi whispers. A small hand touches Katara’s cheek and she smiles.

“Yes, sweetie?”

“Are you hurting?”

“Mmm, only a little bit but I’ll be fine.”

“Oh...okay.” Izumi pauses, contemplating what she should say next. She knew her mother was going through some kind of pain and wanted to encourage her. She then strokes her mother’s hair; just like when Katara would when she was feeling down. “You’re doing a good job, Mommy.”

Katara laughs softly, a huge smile on her face. “Thank you, sweetie.” she reaches out to caress Izumi’s cheek. This was what she wanted since she first learned she was with child. These beautiful moments she could spend with her family. No noise, no stress- just her and her daughter and husband. “I feel so much better now.”

“I love you, mommy.”

Katara kisses Izumi on the forehead, a smile on her lips. “I love you too, Izumi.”

It’s well past midnight when the contractions are now just a few minutes apart. Izumi had fallen asleep again, Kioko holding her as everyone moves to the bathtub. They carefully help Katara in, Zuko sliding in behind her, both hands laid gently on her waist. Her groans get louder, the water at least soothes the some of the pain, but the pressure against her pelvis becomes too much. Through obscured hearing, the healers are telling her to push through every contraction. Everything around Katara is moving in slow motion, she could hardly make out her surroundings. When she remembers to push again, Katara dips her hands in the water, bringing them back up and a cry brings her back.

She brings the baby to her chest, gasping as the weight in her belly disappears. Katara immediately bursts out in tears. Zuko’s running his hands up and down her arms, praising her over and over, sobbing uncontrollably.

It’s a girl.

It was strange how instinct kicks in; bringing the child to her breast once she’s cleaned and placed back in Katara’s arms. An index finger traces down the infant’s round cheek and Katara can hardly believe she did this. 

Katara wakes up. Izumi is still asleep next to her, hues of sunlight stretched across the sheets from the bedroom window. Her eyes flicker to the balcony windows where Zuko is holding their newborn. He’s lit up, pressing their daughter to his cheek and speaking softly.

“Why aren’t you asleep? Did she keep you up?” Zuko looks at his wife and smiles. She had never seen him so at ease since the day she turned around on that airship and wrapped her arms around Izumi.

“No.” He whispers, coming to the bed and pulls up a chair next to her. “I couldn’t take my eyes off her.”

It’s only day one and he’s already at her whim. He won’t survive when he gives in so easily to their daughters. “Have you decided a name yet.”

“Yes…Kya.”

He remembered. Katara couldn’t believe he remembered. She’s so elated that she could hardly come up with the words. “Thank you, Zuko…I don’t know what to say.” She tears up.

“No. Thank you, Katara,” Zuko places a kiss on her forehead, coaxing her to lay back down to rest. “for giving me everything I could ever dream of.”

\

[basshouse]

Of Politics and Road Trips

Welp, it seems like the time has come to address one of the gnarliest and most frequently asked questions of all time.  To be clear, that's gnarly for me and to me, respectively.  I’d also like to memorialize a recent road trip.  Before I start, though, let’s get grounded in the current context: it’s late summer IN MARCH; We are headed intro autumn, and there has been enough early snow that Mount Hutt was open for skiing (what?!?!).  I started my new job at Jade Software; the kids started a new school year in January, with Anily headed off to her first year of high school (5 years of high school here); both kids have changed to a new soccer club, which is much closer to the house (thank god); Anily made the A team; James is playing soccer and basketball and ridiculous amounts of Fortnite.  It’ll soon be a year that we’ve been here. We are right in the middle of a full 12 weeks of visitors and trips from/to the US. And in case you were wondering, the cat has managed to escape through open windows and doors a few times, but he’s always come back so I guess he’s ours for real :-)  

I still haven't submitted my dreadfully complicated tax return.  I am seriously procrastinating, and having visitors and reasons to road trip is helping/hurting. 

So!  BFGFAQ (big fat gnarly...you get it): It’s the political one.  From the Kiwis this usually comes in the form of “are you a Trump refugee?” or “what do you make of what’s going on over there?”  And even if it’s not an explicit question, how can I possibly answer the most frequent Q of all time -- “why did you move to New Zealand?” without considering how the political landscape of the US factored in?  I mean, you don't just up and move across the globe and leave a great place and a fabulous life without at least a mental checklist of pros and cons.  At least, most of us wouldn't.  And if you’re a grown-up (which we sadly have established that I am) and a contributing, aware, member of society (which I would argue that I am), your list must include considerations of the way your taxes are spent and people are treated in the place you live and how the outcomes of those things impact your lifestyle, your life, and the lives of other human beings.  Right? Right!  

MAJOR UPDATE:  A handful of days after I posted this, someone (likely an asshole white supremacist) shot and killed people in a CHCH mosque.  The city is still in lock down as I write this.  It is terrible and sad that  things like this happen anywhere, ever.  And I just want to say that as you read the ideas below, I’ll be watching closely the response of the NZ government.  

If there’s one thing that moving around the world to a place you’ve never been before, with a small family and no friends, and taking up a real life with a paycheck and a rent and a job does really well, it’s create an opportunity to reflect on the differences between where you were and where you are.  It also is extremely useful for considering, in a very real way, how the values you hold are (or are not) reflected in both a political system and a local way of living.  You really notice how political decisions, socioeconomic forces and cultural norms trickle into investments, infrastructure, bureaucracy, language, aesthetics, and interactions that impact you as you move through your day-to-day and learn how to get things done.  And because you’re an observer who is trying to become an insider, you may operate with less bias and pre- disposition to judge, more of a natural curiosity and interest in gathering information and then assimilating it and deciding over time. Chalk one up for perspective!  Happy to say this was the kind of experience and growth I hoped we’d all get through this adventure. 

Now, from the Americans this question usually comes in the form of something like “OMG, are you so glad you’re not here for this?” or “are public healthcare and lack of gun violence really as amazing as they seem from here?”.  Because, like me, most people I talk with on a regular basis feel something like this:

t least you do now, thanks to Willie Wonka’s and friend above, and this: 

So while I am not here in NZ without political bias or personal ideas of what’s right, wrong and important, I am more open minded to considering what’s good for this country and this context, and I have a stronger appreciation for the complexities of things all across the board since I’ve now gathered more data and had more experience. 

So, my American friends, in the interest of helping you draw some of your own conclusions, here is a segment I like to call Fact, Figures and Feelings:

America is amazing.  You have SO much of everything.  Including great food, tons of money, vast political power, and a really noticeable amount of homeless people.  I mean!  When I was in San Jose I felt so conflicted by both where to go for every meal and the fact that to get where I wanted to go I was uncomfortable with my own feelings and anxiety about possible conflict with the homeless and mentally ill folks I passed constantly. And it was often while I was walking into a convention center full of people trying to give away millions of dollars, listening to speakers who had made millions through technology. And while the dog adoption station on site and the furry friends in it made me feel a little better in the moment, could there be anything more cliche? Embarrassing. And yet is it fundamentally bad to have cute dogs making rich people feel good and maybe getting adopted?  No.  But it maybe uniquely American. 

Know what else you have a lot of, USA?  DRAMA.  Seriously.  The NZ morning news is usually about 25-50% reporting on the shitshow that is US and Brexit, and it turns out that when people say “if you get homesick, just listen to the news” they are correct.  

So what about NZ?  Well, when you live in a country with SO MANY FEWER (like so many!) people and a much smaller GDP, your reality is very different.  Not so loud.  Not so busy.  Not so many options. Much much simpler and frankly, it feels more sane. But we know the Mexican food sucks.  So... six of one/half dozen of the other?  This is what I am saying: I cannot tell you if Enchiladas and Aveda products make up for dealing with the opioid crisis if you’re seeing it every day, or if leaving Tito’s vodka and a much higher salary on the table is balanced out by the fact that police here in CHCH carried guns last week and this is how people think about it: 

FUN FACT: During the “summer holidays” (December-Jan), the morning news show on public radio literally went off air.  They replaced it with special summer programming, mostly dedicated to personal profiles and reviews of music and activities.  The only headlines they read each day were almost entirely about the US (shut downs) and UK (Brexit).  Apparently it’s possible for time off to extend to politics and news.  WOW.  Just notice how you feel about that. 

Now, NZ is certainly not the rainbows and unicorns utopia we liberals like to think a place with a public healthcare system and affordable education and far fewer guns will be -- there’s a growing imbalance in the distribution of wealth, the abortion laws are archaic, affordable housing is a big issue, nurses and teachers strike because they don’t get paid enough.

Politics was not the only motivator for our move, but we considered it -- sure seemed like a nice time to be out of the US, and it is.  It’s certainly not a clear #NZFTW-100% -they -nailed-it situation, though.  Every place and every system has its bad sides, and I have a lot to learn to really decide how the pros and cons balance out. All I know is that it’s really, really nice to be in a place where the political conversation is much simpler and more focused on politics and their outcomes on people than on hateful rhetoric. I am disappointed when I think of the lost opportunity due to the amount of resources you are wasting on unproductive, unkind conversations in the USA, when you have so much.  I feel bad for not being there to help stand up for the rights of people I believe in, but when you don't wake up angry every day at the headlines and the people you share space with, when the dialog is a little more open and productive, when the headlines are not so likely to be violent and sad, you start with a much better mental health baseline. You just can’t eat a great caesar salad whenever you feel like it, and it’s expensive as hell to leave the island and you don’t get paid enough to be able to do it often, which may really stress you out. For now, I’m really ok with it. But over time will the flaws in the NZ system (every system has them) outweigh the positive?  Do the opportunities in the US outweigh the negative? 

In the interest of letting you form some your own opinions: Take a look at the the top headlines of 2018 in New Zealand.  They include a pregnant PM; visits from Ed Sheeran, the Royals, and Obama; a handful of natural disasters; a bunch of news about other countries and sports; and the BIG BIG Drama which “unfolded over several deeply uncomfortable days” and ended in a minister being briefly admitted to a mental health facility and broad discussions about mental health.  Consider if the US was as concerned about its politicians’ mental health when they did crazy shit :-). 

Oh also, this is my CEO at work on Friday (hee hee): 

So far this year Lime Scooters (people get hurt on them, and people break the rules and double ride with no helmets -- gasp!) and the potential of a capital gains tax have been in the news pretty much daily. And that’s about it. Boring? Yes! Nice? Also yes! Did you know NZ is the only country in the OECD to not have a CGT? Are you impressed with my knowledge of initialisms? Worldly is the word you’re looking for to describe me.

I know, it looks like I am pooping on a trail, but I am actually doing squats mid-hike IN A SKIRT.  Probably gives me enough credibility to become a world leader, or at least present these numbers for your consideration: 

Now that you have something to think about -- because you weren't already thinking about politics enough (sorry!) -- let’s turn to a less political, but more important spiritual and philosophical topic: The Art of the Road Trip.

Pro tip: It’s easier to be a Road Trip Rembrandt with the right tools -- like these:

Mountains + Vans = Roadtrip Masterpiece

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that one of the things we’ve been doing a lot of is road tripping. Not so different from Seattle, eh? True. But since we can surf so close to the house and we have such a beautiful country to explore and a slightly less active social life, the road trips are more frequent and more varied.  As we are all happiest when we’re in the flow and hitting the right balance between challenge and success, I guess it makes sense.  Because if I do say so myself, we are damn good at the road trip, but there’s no way to have 2 to 6 people in a small space with a lot of stuff and a windy road ahead and podcasts and music to choose without challenge.

#vanlifeisthebestlife.

Here’s a map of where we’ve been on our travels thorough the country so far: 

So what’s the art of the road trip?  Composition: 

And the science?  One part great music, one part planning, and at least two parts having a sense of humor and joy about all the chaos. 

Like when there’s no where for you to sit: 

My most recent road trips were extra awesome due to the fact that Leslie Lapham (AKA Alex, AKA LL) was here and we took off on a few fun adventures. Now, Leslie is great for a lot of reasons and it was super fun to have her here for 5 weeks...and one of her best qualities, she takes great pictures!

Here’s what I like to say about our first trip:  it started with a bang and ended with a bee sting.  

Here’s the bang -- this is what happens when some dickhead decides to pass you on the right at high speed on a highway while you are TURNING RIGHT into a campground: 

So, that sucked.  Especially because aforementioned dickhead did not stop to see if we were ok, just left us there in the dark on our own. Luckily the Taupe Donkey was still drivable and packing enough duct tape to make it work.  So, off we headed from Kaikoura to make ourselves feel better in the vineyards and wineries of Marlborough.  

The Cloudy Bay Winery was not a bad place to spend an afternoon!  

Watson’s Way (not pictured) was a really weird place to spend a night though -- we were basically parked in a gravel parking lot in someone’s yard.  But man, did we have some good food! 

Although oops, I accidentally tried to take a grapevine as a souvenir.  And I swear this was before I even did a tasting!

After wine tasting and an amazing dinner at Arbor, we headed to the Marlborough Sounds, starting at Havelock, the mussel capital of the world!

We did a cool tour on the mailboat, which literally delivers mail, packages, animals, groceries, and god knows what else (possibly the odd tourist by accident?) to the residents of the remote 300 or so bays in the region, which can only be reached by boat. 

We ate a lot, of course.  But we ordered more than we could eat. 

After that we headed south on the inland route and camped overnight at the Tasman Lakes National Park.  

There were eels, pretty views, and random dock yoga.  

And last but definitely not least, we topped off the trip by meeting Jason at the always fabulous Hanmer Springs Thermal Pools.  What a drive to get there, too!  I did get stung by a bee while I was soaking, which was a total and pretty painful shock, despite the signs warning people to watch out for bees.  Little fuckers! 

After that, back to co-working and a couple weekends in CHCH:

Then...Lois!!! 

Now this blog is not about all the visitors and it’s already so long I dare not start going on about having Leslie and Lois here together.  Suffice it to say we had some fun times, some great food, and after 8 hours in the emergency room we did a quick road trip to Oamaru.  There were PENGUINS!!!!

There were penguins!!! We saw them waddle onto the beach at dusk after swimming 50K through the ocean all day.  Alas, you cannot take pictures of them, so you’ll have to settle for 3 Generations of Wachsmuth Women in the Wild until next time.  XO. 

[lettersfromstrangers-blog1]

By the time I realized what it was it was all I knew

To no one in particular, 

Everything seems to make so much sense in retrospect. But when you’re there, it seems like wave after wave with no concept of the ocean. 

In a way, I think I’m lucky. I’ve been struggling since I can remember; I’ve gotten really good at dealing with it. But on the other hand, I can’t help but think about all of the things I’ve missed out on. 

I guess I should start at the beginning. Looking at my parents, one could tell that I was going to be pretty messed up. My mother endured the abusive nature of her own parents. She never learned what love meant and she is always paranoid. My father was raised in a strict household but ended up a train jumper. My mother “adopted” him while she was in college and thus the chaotic relationship began. Drugs, avoiding the police, emotional manipulation, and romance. Surprisingly, my parents were married and owned a house, albeit in the middle of nowhere, before I was born. They passed down some good traits, some mediocre ones, and a high chance at problems with addiction and a predisposition for poor mental health. 

I moved to the city right around when I turned 2. I don’t have many memories, before then, and I think living in the same city most of my life has done me some good. When we first arrived, we stayed with my parents' friends before securing an apartment of our own. I was an older sister now so I always had someone to play with and protect. But I guess our little nuclear family wasn’t perfect. My mother thought that she was in a loving relationship, but when she started seeing my brother and me reenacting their fights she realized that this wasn’t right. She found God and stopped drinking, using drugs, smoking, and drinking coffee all at once. But my father didn’t have the same change of heart. So we left. 

I remember when my mother told me we were going to leave. I went into my room and packed up all my clothes and was ready to go. I was not even 5 years old. When my father told me that my mother was taking my brother and I away, his tears on my face, I just sat there.

And so we left and I never saw my father again. We moved a lot after that. I went to the same school and had my mother and brother but it was still a lot of change for a little girl. I was very quiet and probably quite anxious even back then.

Things were alright for a while. I only have a couple of bad moments from elementary school. On a trip to visit my grandpa when I was about 9, I had a very interesting experience. He lives off a lake in a nice house. One night, my mother brother and I were all asleep in the same bed. I woke up screaming and crying. It felt like I was on the ceiling looking down at myself and I couldn’t do anything. I woke up the next morning with a crippling fear of fish and anything else that lives in the water. Awful inconvenient when you’re visiting a lake. That was about 10 years ago and I still get an anxiety spike even looking at a picture of a little fish. 

The worst of it came in middle school though. I had attended the same school since kindergarten and I was petrified of change. But at the same time, the school I was in was really hard and I didn’t think I could keep up with it. I visited the local public middle school but it was so big and I knew no one their and I think that’s when I had my first panic attack. 

I continued going to the school I knew and it wasn’t as awful as I had imagined. At least not work wise. I started feeling tired most of the time. I felt physically ill and it felt like the bones in my forearms were numb and freezing cold. In the 7th grade, I had a really tough literature class that did not work well with my mother being in college again and us getting home late every night. I would set an alarm for 3 in the morning, do my homework, and if I was lucky I could go back to sleep for a little while. That alarm caused me so much panic, I wouldn’t even dare to listen to it again. 

In the 8th grade, things went from tough to worse. My brother started having some serious issues of his own and that coupled with the constant social exsertion really hit me. I was the strong one but I was barely holding on. I thought I was just weak. I missed so many Fridays from school because the week had completely destroyed me again and again. I got my first C on a math test. I slept too much or not at all. And then the year was over and I had made it.

But then the thought of high school was crippling. I had gone to the same school for 9 years and I was comfortable even if I hated it. But a new school that was so big was terrifying. But I selected classes, toured the school, and bought supplies. I even went to school the first day. I had decent teachers and reunited with an old friend. I sat with nice kids for lunch. It was the best I could hope for.

I couldn’t do it. My brother had already decided on attending an online school the year I started high school, and after attending for a couple of days, I asked my mother if I could do the online school instead. That school ended up being a really bad match for our family and my brother and I ended up being “homeschooled” for a year. With my mother gone all day every day we didn’t do much learning. I didn’t talk to anyone other than my mother and I very rarely left the house. My appetite was all over the place and I spent hours doing practically nothing. I slept a lot. That’s all I really remember.

I missed a year of my life. 

The next year, we enrolled in a new online school and that actually went really well. I had earned 3 high school credits in middle school, so I was really only half a year behind. I still barely left the house, but I would go to meet my teacher a couple times a month. I started talking to a couple of the kids in my neighborhood and started going outside. It was during this time too that I learned about mental health. Looking through site after site I was so shocked to see how many things I thought were my own defects were parts of actual illnesses. Even now, I’m learning about symptoms that I was experiencing. 

I started creating a routine and the depression started to fade. I got comfortable and I was happy for almost year. 

Around the end of my first year at the new online school, my teacher advised that I should apply for their early college program. I was just settling into the school and I really liked it, but I applied and made it in. I attended some meetings and went to the community college a few towns over to take placement tests. I learned the 2-hour bus route and registered for classes. It wasn’t really in my mind. But the summer started to pass and I got scared again. The Friday before I was supposed to start classes I completely broke down. Another panic attack, this time in front of my mother. I quickly dropped my classes and signed up for the ones online. I wasn’t ready.  I wasn’t sure if I would ever be. 

As this was going on, my 16th birthday was approaching. My neighbor and friend was a couple of months older than me and had gotten her first job. She really wanted to work with her friends and one day, she called me out of my house, took my ipod touch and filled out the better half of a job application for me. I called my mother and was almost in tears when I said: “I think I just applied for a job.” I think this is when the anxiety really came in full force. I interviewed, called, got lost on the bus and ended up with a job. I was so scared but part of my fear is that I won’t be perfect. So even though I was scared I was a really good worker. And it’s amazing how quickly desensitization can set in. At work, I became close to more people my age, as well as some folks who were older, and I wasn’t as scared. The norms of teenagehood were fascinating to me but not things I wanted keen on partaking in. I lived through my friends. I thought I was better. 

I continued with the online school and graduated on time. Part of me wishes I would have attended this school my freshman year so I could graduate early but part of me is just proud that I didn’t let that dead year stunt me too much. 

The thought of college came up again. I was scared to try again, but I was more scared of not. I didn’t know what I wanted out of life. I’m not sure if I do yet. But I thought college would be a good place to figure it out. This time I would be within walking distance of home, and I had a friend to take a class with. I geared up, registered for classes, and actually showed up the first day. And then the second day. I actually really liked school. I made friends. I made good grades. And I was still working a lot. But the anxiety was always there. It still is. I get all riled up so frequently. I’m happier now though, I know a lot more about myself. I know that when I’m anxious, I’m anxious. I’ve learned healthy coping mechanisms. I allow myself 2 times a year to truly break down. 

I’m not better. I’ve just learned to deal with it. It tells me that I won’t be me without it. That feeling can get really suffocating. But looking at how far I’ve come in the last few years gives me hope that I can go further. It’s a lot easier to try when you don’t want to be dead. Whenever it gets bad I remember that I’ve been through worse and made it out. I don’t partake in bad habits that would be a toxic band-aid over my life. I’m quite frankly proud. 

It sucks. It makes you physically ill. But every breath you take is a fight against it. When you push yourself an inch, you’re telling it that it can’t control you. And that is so powerful. It might be a fight in your head but it’s really a matter of life and death. Don’t let it win. You’re here for a reason. You are so strong

[justalittlemango]

Hmmm

So uh... I haven't posted on this Tumblr for a while. A few months by the looks of it? That last post was the beginning of this year. And now it's 20th August 2021.

So what happened? Also ugh the formatting on this site. Welp, my last post seemed to be a lot about my now-ex. I'll call him Tit as I think that's an appropriate name. So yeah, he did come back sometime after I wrote that post. He came back. He seemed to have been feeling better. It was nice to see him happy and things pretty much went back to how they were before, even better if anything. Sadly that was only temporary! Well, I say sadly. Sad at the time. I don't care these days.

Something happened, he lost it over me doing literally nothing. I knew he had problems with my mental health but I don't like to be accused of all sorts when all I try to do is help. I knew at that time, that was the calling point. Cutting off ties. Because my health both mentally and physically could not deal with everything he was putting me through. I cut him off. It felt sad but I knew I had to do it. And fast forward six months later, there's been no contact between us. Thank god.

So.. that was always fun.. I lost my friends who I had met through Tit. I knew that was coming as well. I can still be mad over that, but at the end of the day, who's side are they going to stick by? Mine (someone they've only known for a few months) or his (someone they adore and known for years even.) I guess the outcome here was kind of obvious. I wish I could say I didn't care it happened, but it did hurt me. When I was already going through so much hurt just seeing that was not nice. Thankfully I was never confronted before it happened, I was just swiftly deleted/unfriended/removed and that's that.

That was the second time in a 7/8 month span that I lost friends because of these love problems. So all in all? I'm pretty fucking tired of that happening lol. Anyway, these people are irrelevant now and no longer play a part in my life. So I just need to forget about them.

So did things get any better? Yes! I met someone new. My Dommy. I joined this server in attempt to make some friends and play games with (since the friends I once did that with departed..) so I thought I'd shoot my shot there. It started off okay, I was making friends and it was fun. I met Dommy in there. There was something that caught my eye about him when I would see him chatting and stuff. We spoke to each other through DMs for a bit and played games together. It was so much fun. And the more I got to know about him the more I was like ... My god ... Because I knew I was going to catch feelings for him. Everything he was telling me about himself just made the feelings grow more and more. Like he just kept ticking my boxes in what I seek in a partner.

At first I didn't wanna catch feelings, mostly due to the fact he's 18, and I was 23 (now I'm 24 so yay). I felt the age gap would've been too weird and I wouldn't usually consider anyone that's under 21 to be a potential partner. But god it was so hard to think like that when the more I learnt about him, the more these feelings kept growing. He just knew exactly what to say. His personality and everything. He's so fun and kind. So wholesome. Positive. I find him so relatable too. I definitely didn't expect this for someone who is quite frankly, fresh into adulthood. But here we are!

Heh, let's just say I tried to dim my feelings down. And it definitely didn't work. And I remember thinking at first like, oh god he wouldn't want feelings for me I'm like 5 years older than him LOLLL. But boy was I wrong! About a month after chatting and playing games together (quite frequently too) - he told me he had a crush on me. And I remember how great that felt. It felt so... fucking... amazing. To read everything he said to me. I really didn't think he'd feel that way.. I had my suspicions on somethings but they were more just me being overly hopeful. And of course, I had to tell him I crushed him back. I had the same feelings. And ever since then it just continually grows.

26th May we decided to become long distance boyfriends. We both felt ready for it. Every day and night I got to spend with him on voice chat was SO enjoyable. It was so much fun. The love kept continuing to grow and grow. The more he told me about himself, the more he truly sounded like my perfect man. My soul mate even! And he felt the same way about it all. And now we're so clingy and romantic for each other all the time and I LOVE IT!!

Fast forward to August. We still here. We hope to meet up soon. We surround ourselves with such positive romantic energy. Inspiring each other to be our best selves. Heck, we both got jobs just so we can buy stuff for each other and visit frequently. And that's where we're at. We're awaiting the day for when we meet.

I'm so grateful for him. He changed my life around. I hit rock bottom and he full on dragged me out. Showed me that I can still love. Supported me through everything. Even with everything that happened after my ex. He was there. And still today, with everything I went through.. he had my back.

I love him so much. With everything I have. To the end of days. I've never met ANYONE like him. My past relationships don't even come close to what he and I have. And the crazy thing? He feels the same.. this is just magical. See, it would be TOO good if we were living in the same country. But alas, I am UK, he is US.. a few thousand miles away. But you know what? I'm making it my goal that we'll live together. We talk about having a family, living together, going on so many dates and just doing everything together.

It's my goal. Ultimate. Life goal. I don't want to die without being able to hold him in my arms. And very soon I hope, I will be able to hold him, watch him fall asleep in my arms and whisper "I love you" right in his ear. I 100% trust him. I've never been able to fully trust anyone in my life before. Not my previous partners or anything. But my Dommy? I trust him with my life.

But are there any issues?

Nope. Not really. Sometimes I still feel a lil weird about the age gap. I'll be meeting my boyfriend who's 18, as a 24 year old.. doing lovey things lol. Sometimes I worry about what others think about that, mostly his family. My family know about it and they think it's fine, as with my friends. I hope his family are the same! I mean, it's only 5 year difference. It's not that much at all. I just overthink it and it's a ridiculous thing to overthink! Because he is my soulmate. If anybody has a problem with it, then they'll have to deal with it. Cause I ain't going anywhere. And neither is he 😏 actually I think he'd get more sassy at them than I would!

But yeah. Uh. Anything else? Not really. He's a busy lad but I love that for him. He does so much for his family. He can do so much. Working, driving, going to college.. I'm so proud of him! And I think from what I know from his childhood, he deserves to have all these nice times with his family. So no, there are no issues between us. We have never even argued yet! And I couldn't imagine arguing with him.

So I hope next time I write here.. I'd have met him in person. And experience that. It would be the best day of my life.

____

Anyway! How am I? I'm fine right now. I'm struggling a bit because I have no money left. Kinda annoyed I spent my travel moneys on myself (because I had to.) I hope that issue will be sorted next month when I get my student loan, and hopefully this job that I interviewed for yesterday! Interview lasted over an hour and I'm only competing against one other person. So.. if I get that.. the money gonna be sweet. And you already know I'll be investing in travelling to see my Dommy!

But I also want to try to do my driving lessons. Get my own groceries again and my weight gain stuff because my body is far too skinny! I want to try and get a gym membership too while I'm at it. I say all this, but where the heck am I gonna find the time to do all this? Especially as a full time student! But I think we got this. Driving lessons aren't urgent, and even so they wouldn't take long if I do lessons in an auto. Since I've driven before. So maybe I'll only need 10 lessons.

I want to go the gym and build my body a little bit. Look a bit more in shape for when I see my boy hehehe.

So yeah, lack of money is my main issue here. I can't afford to go out and get my own food and supplements. So until I get my moneys, my mood is going to be patchy. It'll be worth the wait though if things go all out to plan.

Anything else on my mind? Well.. being back here in B'ham! I don't particularly feel safe here. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy to be back with my parents. And not have to pay rent on a student house.. but that does come with some negatives... Quite a few negatives. These being.. lack of privacy, not being able to make a lot of noise late at night, not feeling safe in the city, issues with bathroom/showers, and the god forsaken slow internet.

Positives though? Being with my parents, in the big city where everything is, good stores and nightlife. Few friends are here. Though not too many I'm interested in seeing. Lol. I guess I'm in the middle of everything too so if I wanted to travel out of city to see someone , I have the option to do so.

So.. yeah! A lot more good than bad going on right now and thank god. Because how this year started was awful. It was literally the hardest time of my life to get through it. And everything that happened in the summer, I'm so grateful for. And my Dommy. I'm so happy he came into my life. I feel honoured and blessed to be in a relationship with him.

I hope things go to plan. I'm in my last year of university, and will be graduating next year. So that should be exciting! And then I have plans to study at BCU next year to do a master degree in UX! Which is exactly the kind of thing I want to get into! So that's a good two years of a steady income from student finance, and hopefully this part time job! So fingers crossed these plans will work out.

Those are my goals that I see in the distance. Travel to see my boyfriend, graduate and get onto that post-grad course! My short term goals. Oh and also get a part time job. Lol. My long term goals is to honestly.. immigrate to the US. I know it sounds wild. But it's what I want. I need to be with my boyfriend. Start a life with him. And spend the rest of my life with my Dommy. I don't know when I'd ever be able to live with him.. but let's just say you need to have a strong background to be accepted as a US citizen. But with the plans I got...it should work! Having a master's degree and hopefully someone will hire a UX designer from the US and sponsor me! With some luck.

How long do I think that would take? Probably sometime within the next 5 years.. I hope. If I'm lucky! And interesting to think, in 5 years I'm 28, and my boyfriend will be 23! Which I think is the perfect time in both our lives to find a place together to live and be happy.

I feel with that, being away from my parents via long distance is going to be VERY difficult. But I'd try my best to visit them for a month or so. And of course, I still want to support them even if I am living abroad.

Ok. Here is the end of the post. I hope I don't look back at this in a few months and laugh. I know not all of this will work out, but I hope most of it will! So yeah, here's to the future! To good health, happyness, and my boyfriend of course ;)

-mangiiii

[edgar-allan-foe]

[nameless short story]

Word Count: almost 2k with a crap ton of talking/fluff

A/N:  I haven’t been writing in a long time since college kind of sucked the life out of me for five years; however, I’ve been having a lot of personal issues arise lately and I find this as a coping mechanism (especially with my job/boss). ps - im sick D:

Shout-out to @tinny-tin, @lloyd-g, and @stiles-derpinski for being awesome and wanting to see my work.

All I see is red and blue. Everywhere. This kid is going to end up giving me a heart attack. It’s a Wednesday night and usually Peter is coming home from band practice, but in the last six months I’ve seen nothing from this boy – no instruments, no science projects gone wrong, just nothing. I feel like I’m losing him all over again since Ben. That boy was Ben’s entire world let me tell you. The way he boasted about winning the regional science fair two years in a row to how Peter was selected for Midtown’s academic bowl, his eyes glistened with tears of joy. It was as if Peter was his son this entire time.

Tonight, I lie awake worrying about this boy like I usually do. It was taco night since yesterday I saw no trace of him until he got up today to get to school. But like Ben, Peter would never voice what was rattling in his head…what kept him out all night. I always tell myself that I hope he’s talking to Ben somehow through all of this, for us. As I start to drift away from following the news as background noise and beginning a new knitting project, I hear the back window crack just slightly. At this point, the creaks and leaks throughout this apartment don’t phase me, they just give the place character.

“Crap!”

“Who’s out there!?” I screamed. I am not the type to fight, but I was boiling over with the constant absences of Peter these past couple days. It’s like this kid doesn’t have a home. I grab my extra knitting needle and tuck it underneath my skirt. I don’t think I’ve heard of anyone use one of these for self-defense in any crime show, but it’s worth a shot on being creative and terrified all at once. I hear the window squeak once more as I inch closer to my nephew’s room. One could easily shrug this off as the wind or an alley cat, but with all the horrible things happening in the neighborhood recently, I am not in any position to risk it. I place my hand by my hip, ready to grab the needle, and swing the door right open to a –

“AUNT MAY! Jesus! Put that thing down!”

“Peter! PETER!? Where the hell have you been?” I shouted. I hated yelling at my boy like this, but there was no other way to let it all out. “Y’know…I’ve made dinner, did your laundry, even ironed your decathlon jacket, and not once have I even heard you say ‘thank you’. I’m getting so tired…so frustrated. Just tell me what’s going on. Please.” I sit on the edge of the bed ready to start crying. These tears have been busting to come out for the past two weeks and it was time to let out Niagara Falls.

“May…please…stop. Don’t cry.” Peter was the sweetest kid you could ever imagine. Have you ever seen those 60s commercials for baby food where the perfect child with the biggest eyes and soft, angelic curls just makes a mess with mashed peaches and greens? That was Peter. Most definitely my boy, but fast-forwarded 15 years. When he was born, I use to call him ‘PB’ for short – Peter Benjamin Parker. His newborn locks would just sit on the sides of his face, tempting you to push them behind those ears and make room for all that gushing. He was a good kid. A lovely little thing. I slowly drop the knitting needle to the floor and embrace Peter for a long-deserved hug.

“Aunt May, I can explain. I know I haven’t been home a lot and I swear, I’ll –”

“Peter, I know you’re lying.”

“May, I love you and I am so sorry. It’s just this internship means everything to me. I know I haven’t been open with everything that has been happening, but it’s some seriously awesome stuff you wouldn’t believe it! Like today at school, I found out that I can use the gravity formula from Mr. Watson’s physics homework to detect the angle in which the Iron-Man suit needs to be elevated to reach maximum speeds for flight! Like it was the coolest thing ever to even think of stuff like that. Oh, and –”

“Okay, okay. Enough Peter. I get it, you love what you do. But promise me something,” I took a deep breath before I can finish my sentence. “Just come home, please. We – erh, I mean ‘I’ – I miss you, honey.” It’s so hard to not include Ben in every little bit of Peter’s life. They were always together and I know in my heart he would be so proud. After calming down a bit, I noticed on the edge of Peter’s eyebrow some small bruising. It was fresh, at least within the last couple hours. I’ve gotten so use to this child getting beat up, I almost expect it. Last time he came home with a black eye, he mentioned a kid named Steve from Brooklyn. Not entirely sure what Peter would be doing over there so late at night…it took at least 30 minutes without traffic to even make it to the outskirts Prospect Park – Peter’s favorite place since he was a little one. Also, doesn’t Ned live 2 blocks from us? I cannot even begin to describe how many times I’ve seen Ned in the past week looking for Peter. It’s as if he’s forgotten about his best friend too.

           “I swear…every time I feel like I’m on to something and report back to Happy…I end up not being so happy…with myself”, I whispered. I shrug off my blue sweater throw my backpack in the corner. I think that was a first for me to even remember where I place my backpack nowadays. I didn’t do too much in the suit today; in fact, I didn’t even do anything at all. I swung around and helped an elderly man get his cat from inside a dumpster. Quite large. Very fluffy. Calico? I took a few photos of some pigeons. Oh, and escaped a near arrest yet again! I should try to be more careful when interacting with cops, but hey, it happens. A lot of what I’ve been doing since school’s been out hasn’t been all too much. I wouldn’t even try calling it “crime fighting”. I finally perfected my training wheels protocol for shooting web grenades down by Coney though! That was amazing on how precise my vision has become with the new suit…or Karen. Should I even call her Karen? Where did I even come up with the name for Karen? Anywho, from now on I’ll have to respect both suit and her.

           My reports have gotten a lot less action-ey if you could call it that. With all the focus on just utilizing the suit without Mr. Stark replacing the tracking system, I feel a bit lost honestly. Not much is happening now in the concrete jungle. Summer is practically gone. I can smell the new textbooks in my locker already and the musk of Midtown’s hallways by the main office. It’s as if the world knows who I really am now, especially now with Mr. Toomes in jail. I slip back on my mask and make sure the bedroom door is locked. May hates it when I lock the door, so I’ve developed a new habit of playing some of my cassettes when I’m home. She seems to be liking my taste recently. I made a recent shift to listening to classic rock when building Lego empires with Ned or doing homework. It replaces the need for me to talk everyone to death, including myself.

           “Hello, Peter. Lovely evening, isn’t it? What’s with the music?” Karen is quite charming when activated I must say.

           “Nothing, I just needed someone to talk to.”

           “Well…you got me. Would you like me to initiate night mode for you?” It’s gotten quite dark since I came back. My eyes usually dim to the size of a rice grain since the bite. It’s been harder to really keep focus too when I’m reading. “Sure! Thanks Karen! I don’t thank you enough really”, I replied. “So…Karen…what can you tell me about…emotions?” I had no idea where to start. Quite frankly, I am known for terrible first impressions. Most say I’m a world record holder in that.

           “Okay. According Webster’s dictionary, emotions are defined as an intuitive or instinctive mental state based on reason, recent events, or your surroundings.” She does this a lot, so I let her talk.

           “Alriiiiight. What can you tell me about falling in love?”

           “Is this about Liz? Go tell her, she would love to hear what you really feel about her.”

           “I –I can’t. You know I am the reason she’s moving to Oregon.” My eyes are beginning to water so much, it’s hard to really keep it from destroying the mask. Karen is known to start the vacuum inside to keep it dry. She’s like May 2.0 really. “I’m sorry Karen, I feel like I’m pushing everyone away with being Spider-Man. I know what I am and who I am, but I don’t know what I want. I know I want something outside of this Stark-universe. I want to be a normal teenager again.”

           “But you are, Peter.” She deactivated the vacuum so her AI voice resonates a bit clearer. “You’re showing your emotions right now and that is what makes you normal. It’s part of growing up.” My sobbing has mellowed out to that of a puppy huffing in it’s sleep.

           “You’re right. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay? Goodnight Karen.” I peeled off the mask before I could even hear a response.

           “Goodnight Peter.”

[peterkayscarshare]

Listen to the Words 1x04 & 1x05

Not much at all going on in ep 4, although a lot of cracking tunes. Just a couple of apt choices, rather than insight into their minds.

1x04

Labour of Love - Hue and Cry (Beyonce dance) Get on Up - Five (Janine and Elsie fight) Mmmbop - Hanson (carwash) Bump and Grind - R Kelly  (Golden Hour/Ted2) How Bizarre - OMC  (Dave Thompson is a knob) If Only I could - Sydney Youngblood (sponsored animals) Everybody Wants to Rule the World - Tears for Fears (losing virginity)

1) Mmmbop - This is a song about friendship and the fact you don’t know which ones will flourish and be around for you in the darker times in your life. And fittingly the lyrics tell us to hold on to the ones who really care... as John and Kayleigh grip hands as John helps her through her panic attack.

You have so many relationships in this life Only one or two will last You go through all the pain and strife Then you turn your back and they're gone so fast Oh yeah And they're gone so fast, yeah Oh So hold on the ones who really care In the end they'll be the only ones there And when you get old and start losing your hair Can you tell me who will still care Can you tell me who will still care? Oh care

2) If Only I Could - Just a little aside that this song about making the world a better place plays while Kayleigh is telling us about the animals she’s adopted.

1x05

Episode 5 is MUCH more interesting with song choices, as we start to really see their relationship shift form friendship to something more.

When Smokey Sings - ABC (running to the postbox) Put Yourself in My Place - Kylie (dropping the kids off) New Sensation - INXS  (Kayleigh driving them to work) Have a Nice Day - Stereophonics (wedding song discussion) Hero  - Enrique Iglesias (Golden Hour/Ted2) Picture of You - Boyzone (Rachel jealousy) Devil Woman - Cliff Richard (Rachel) Drive - Cars (Kayleigh is going to have to move) I Knew You Were Waiting - George Michael/Aretha Franklin (Playing Who am I?) Somewhere In My Heart - Aztec Camera (Who am I? cont) This Time I Know It's for Real - Donna Summer (mechanic’s arrival) Stronger Than Love - Johnny Cash (shit for brains)

1) Hero - Although this song doesn’t have any deep meaning in this episode - it’s used to show the saintly Ted is also good with children - it does give us an interesting parallel in the future. In this episode when Hero plays, and they watch Ted2 in action, Kayleigh says “he can lift me up like that anytime he likes.” She’s looking at Ted2 as a heroic figure. He can be her hero. Yet, fast forward to 2x04 and Kayleigh’s fantasies are John as her hero, and she lets him know. “John to the rescue. My hero.” Ted2 is nothing but eye-candy, John is the hero of her heart.

2) Picture of You - This is an interesting song lyrically as at first it sounds like someone who’s made a bad choice romantically, with someone who will break their heart. But as the song goes on, it shows that in fact that person was there for them through it all, despite what they thought of them.

Didn't they say that I would make a mistake Didn't they say you were gonna be trouble People told me you were too much to take I couldn't see it I didn't want to know

I let you in and you let me down You messed me up and you turned my life around You left me feeling I had nowhere to go I was alone how was I to know that

You'd be there when I needed somebody

You'd be there the only one who could help me

I had a picture of you in my mind Never knew it could be so wrong Why'd it take me so long just to find The friend that was there all along

Who'd believe that after all we've been through I'd be able to put my trust in you Goes to show you can forgive and forget Looking back I have no regrets 'causeYou'd be there, when I needed somebody You'd be there, the only one who could help me

I had a picture of you in my mind Never knew it could be so wrong Why'd it take me so long just to find? The friend that was there all along

You'd be there, when I needed somebody You'd be there, the only one who could help me

If you focus on the chorus, it’s Kayleigh’s thoughts on John - she thought he was someone but there he is flirting with Rachel, and so it’s proving her mental image of him wrong. Although this is the opposite meaning to the song itself (an image of someone who was trouble but was there through it all). Of course, the overall theme is one that does relate to John and Kayleigh whichever way you take it - the friend that was there all along. Why’d it take me so long just to find?

3) Devil Woman - Glaringly obvious what this one’s about from the video - Rachel is the “devil woman” leading him astray. The question is, is John’s smugness because he’s enjoying the attention of Rachel? Or because he’s sparked some very obvious jealousy in Kayleigh? Given that in 1x06 he says he’s not actually interested in Rachel, I think we can be sure it’s the latter.

4) Drive - Oh how I love this. Utterly perfect matching of song and scene, as Kayleigh reveals she’s going to have to move to Bury and they both decide John can no longer drive her to work. “Who’s gonna drive you home tonight?” indeed.

Who's gonna tell you when it's too late Who's gonna tell you things aren't so great You can't go on thinking nothing's wrong, but bye Who's gonna drive you home tonight? Who's gonna pick you up when you fall Who's gonna hang it up when you call Who's gonna pay attention to your dreams Who's gonna plug their ears when you scream You can't go on thinking nothing's wrong, but bye Who's gonna drive you home tonight? Who's gonna hold you down when you shake Who's gonna come around when you break You can't go on thinking nothing's wrong, but bye Who's gonna drive you home tonight?

But more than just that line, the whole song sums up what their relationship has become. They are they to hear each others dreams and fears, pick each other up - literally and emotionally, they have become THAT PERSON to each other. And perhaps at this point neither of them realise just how much. Kayleigh’s tears reflect the lyric “you can’t go on thinking nothing’s wrong”, because it seems like Kayleigh is the one to realise not having John drive her to work means more than simply who’s gonna drive her home tonight... it’s something much deeper than that.

5) I Knew You Were Waiting/Somewhere In My Heart - I’m grouping both of these together because we only hear brief snatches of them during the scenes waiting in the car for roadside rescue. Both can be seen as about finally finding the person in your life who has made all the pain and misery worthwhile cos now you’ll see it all through together.

Like a warrior that fights And wins the battle I know the taste of victory Though I went through some nights Consumed by shadows I was crippled emotionally Somehow I made it through the heartache Yes I did. I escaped. I found my way out of the darkness I kept my faith (I know you did), kept my faith When the river was deep I didn't falter When the mountain was high I still believed When the valley was low it didn't stop me, no no I knew you were waiting. I knew you were waiting for me

So we were drawn together through destiny (oh, boy) I know this love we shared was meant to be

**********

Who cares what people say We walk down love's motorway

Ambition and love wearing boxing gloves And singing hearts and flowers

Somewhere in my heart There is a star that shines for you Silver splits the blue Love will see it through

6) This Time I Know It’s For Real - Never was there such a perfect song for Kayleigh’s feelings at this point, and frankly throughout season 2.

I'm going crazy just to let you know You'd be amazed how much I love you so baby When I get my hands on you I won't let go This time I know it's for real Should I write or call your home Shout it out with a megaphone Radio, TV news Got to find a way To get my message to you To say I love you with a neon sign Anything to make you mine

I'm going crazy just to let you know If I wait too long for you I might explode baby I've been around the block enough to know That this time I know it's for real

She’s desperate to bring up Rachel again, and ask if John is going to go out with her. Rachel’s interference has made her face up to her feelings for John and she’s prodding around trying to find out what he feels. This song signposts what Kayleigh’s going to do next - pushed on by the end of their car sharing time, and the looming Rachel, Kayleigh needs to let John know how she feels. How will she do it? Write I love you in a neon sign? Or get him to “listen to the words” of Pure and Simple?

7) Stronger Than Love - speaking of neon signs... Peter and co couldn’t have made it ANY CLEARER what is driving the emotions and relationship between John and Kayleigh when they use this song.

Six foot six he stood on the ground, He weighed two hundred and thirty-five pounds, But I saw that giant of a man brought down to his knees by love. He was the kind of a man that would gamble on luck, Look you in the eye and never back up, But I saw him crying like a little whipped pup because of love. You can't see it with your eyes, Hold it in your hand. But like the wind, it covers our land, Strong enough to move the heart of any man, This thing called love. It can lift you up, Never let you down, Take your world and turn it all around, Ever since time, nothing's ever been found, That's stronger than love.

(interestingly the second verse deals with non-romantic love, but it’s the verse about a man brought to his knees that they chose to use)

It’s utterly clear what’s happening here, that despite the anger in this scene, these two are fools for each other, and John will forgive it all (even though it was his fault!) because he’s in love. I mean there’s signposting and then there’s literally telling the audience in a song HE IS IN LOVE!

[fishthegenderwitch]

Choices & Disclosure.

Shiiiiiit! Guys. Guuyyyss.

I randomly started watching this Netflix movie called “Heal”. Didn’t see the info on it at all, just saw the thumbnail of a woman who looked like she was embracing light. I’m not far in, but it’s changing my life. The human body CAN redecorate itself back to health. Yea, I said ‘redecorate’. The way I’m seeing it, the decor of your life is determined by your choices. I’m not saying that illness doesn’t exist, I’m saying it’s possible to change the patterns around you to make your life better than it was. It’s about the choices.

I have been in a deep depression for a really long time. I’m talking decades. Sometimes, for a month or so at a time, or even a couple, it lightens. The mood shifts, the sun comes in, the decor is changed, and things are better. Not Amazing, yet, but better. This past couple of weeks, after my partner’s accident, I’ve been living in squalor. Not as in rotting garbage or anything that gross, but Zero organisation, Zero tidiness, Zero creativity. I can barely move in my apartment, and I haven’t really felt inclined to. I go from the bed to the bathroom, from the bathroom to my computer, from the door to the bed after I get home from work. I let my dog run around in the yard outside my door because I don’t want to walk. I’ve been eating very poorly, when I HAVE been eating. (I just ate two cans of Alpha-getti for dinner; wheat makes me sleep. Not super awesome.)

I wash my laundry at my partner’s when I go over at least once a week; not having a ton of clothes, it doesn’t make a dent in his electricity bill, but sometimes I don’t get over there. Especially lately. With him being injured, we can’t really cuddle or hug much anymore. I never realised how much of an impact that has had on my mental state until today. In addition, we’ve watched shows that featured couples getting engaged, and we’ve talked frankly about the future with regards to marriage and what that would look like. At this stage, neither of us feel like we’re even a complete person, let alone someone together enough to merge lives with the other. I just caught myself saying, “OMG humans can heal themselves; humans have that capacity!” and then have to continually remind myself that I am also a human. It started out as a joke years ago, that I referred to myself as an alien, but I’m starting to think that this ‘joke’ was taken too far. It’s like I have actively chosen to distance myself both in mentality and physically from the rest of the world. I do not feel healthy.

Additionally, my mom moved in with my sister over a month ago, and we haven’t really talked very much. All of these things, coupled with the busy lives (or sheer distance) of the few friends I have, has left me very isolated, depressed, and lonely.

The choices I make are the ones that can change my life while alone, in small increments. Washing my bedding or brushing my teeth (both things I rarely remember to do) are monumental challenges, but when I DO accomplish them, I feel good. It’s choosing to do something that’ll make me feel okay for that day; a small victory against the depression boulder that weighs on me.

I met a man this month who told me the more I get outside during the summer, the better the winter goes, mentally. You store up that sunlight, the vitamin D you’ve made from sun exposure, and it bolsters you when the sun isn’t as strong. He was a smart guy. I��m trying to remember that advice.

In the meantime, one small choice a day is all I can manage. Someday, I will be healed, and be the version of me I dream of. Someday.

[valleyoflilys-blog]

Insecurities, My best friend, and learning to love myself (A late night story by GRM)

Since my last day of high school is tomorrow, and I just took a long nostalgic walk I wanted to share a story about my time in high school. When I began as a freshman I was a tiny frail insecure 14 year old I an extremely abusive relationship with a very manipulative boy I had been seeing over the summer. I was shy, looked like an undeveloped 12 year old boy, wore no makeup, had very few friends, and danced 4 days a week leading to an extremely minimal social life. I was the girl whose existence was unknown and unimportant to the majority of the school, teachers and administration included. SOoo essentially my freshman year was a flop, thankfully I got out of my horrible relationship, but unfortunately I was frail and lonely and still talked to him on a daily basis. Yikes!!! The only upside is I made really good friends with this boy Josh, who was really only friends with me because he had a crush on me. So start sophomore year and here I am walking into theater class finding myself sitting in-between two boys who I kind of knew, but was not really friends with. Of course being the sweet and easily walked all over girl I still was in contact with the extremely abusive boy from ninth grade, but one day one of my “kind of friends” asked me on a date. I wanted to make my abuser jealous and realize that I deserved better than him so I said yes. And it was exactly how a date between two 15 year olds would go. Our mom’s dropped us off, his running a little late, and we stood in line awkwardly making small talk and unfunny but “hilarious” jokes while waiting in 90 degree weather for movie tickets. Eventually the movie started and he did that dumb “stretch up and move your arm over” trick that guys do to cuddle me, but I complied and all I remember is how strongly he smelled of salty sweat. Eventually the date ended and our mom’s picked us up and the next day he told me that the date didn’t mean anything so the angry and insecure side of me stormed off. Flash forward to that fall and I begin dating another asshole who treats me badly. A month later another, then another, and then another. (Are you sensing the trend???). Well eventually I find out that my “kind of friend” from theater class, who is now in my government class, is dating my childhood best friend, who I did not talk to anymore and who was a year older than us. Unfortunately for her she cheats on his, and since I knew they were together and I saw his sad social media posts I decided to be a friend and ask if he was okay. And that, was how I got my best friend. In the beginning he had a crush on me, and being the type of person I was, who only dated assholes who did not give her the time, I was not into it at all. But he was different. He wore neon blue shorts with an avengers shirt at 16 years old, he played nerdy games (magic the gathering), and he was loud and at times he was obnoxious. However, he was also extremely intelligent, friendly, and if you were close enough to him really kind. He scared me because I was the type of girl who walked with her head down and he was the type of guy who sad hey to everyone. EVERYONE knew Amery Miller. Whether it was the jock version, the all advanced classes’ version, the nerdy version, or even the loud boy who never shut up in class version. He was the kind of smart that when you had a conversation with him made you feel like you needed to do three months of research prior to talking, since he knew EVERYTHING. He was special and did not care what anyone thought of him, and we talked about everything. God we’d spend hours upon hours talking about music, politics, the future, school, anything imaginable I’m sure if the topic was the color blue we could have talked nonstop about it for three hours. He was the only person who would meet me anywhere just to talk whether it was a field, my driveway, my car, the secret back road of his mom’s neighborhood. He was so sweet and caring and so special to me way before I even acknowledged it. He was my best friend. Eventually we started dating after many stolen secret kisses and long hugs in the school parking lot. We kept it a secret for a long time, but my god he made me so happy. I loved him because when I was with him it was us against the world. That summer was perfect, and then junior year started. Junior year was hard for me mentally. My anxiety and depression took over my life. I surrounded myself with horrible friends, I let my dance teachers beat me down, and I treated my boyfriend horribly because I was sad. Because he was my escape and I didn’t understand why alone he did not make me happy anymore. I took my anger out on him, he saw me cry… A LOT. And eventually it took a toll on him too. I hurt the love of my life more than anyone because my anxiety made me clingy and scared to be alone and my depression made me angry and cruel. That next summer together was not as great. Eventually senior year started and a few weeks in we were done. My heart was shattered. I not only lost the love of my life but my best friend along with him. Thankfully mentally I began to heal, but I was never really the same as I used to be. I still got sad, and scared just not quite as frequently. My (now ex) boyfriend and I never really got over each other, but the two of us physically moved on to other people (I definitely had my fair share of drunken mistakes). Eventually after 4 long lonely months we got back together. I was ecstatic he was back and this time I was determined not to lose him. To be a better more loving and caring girlfriend, which I was. But the thing was he was not back. Not like I thought. This new guy was different. Dreamless, neglectful, frankly a little uncaring of me until I was convenient for him. He did a lot of drugs. I mean a lot. And he partied all the time. Emotionally we were never together even if physically we were back to sleeping together. I grew unhappy with him. He was never there when I needed him. He was meaner to me. Meaner to everyone. I still remember one night when I was opening up to him about my feelings towards his changes he simply told me “we’re not those 16 year olds anymore we both grew up”. And eventually for the third time (we broke up twice that previous fall) Amery and I were done. I hate to say this but honestly I thought it would hurt way more than it did. In all honesty I really only cried for about 45 minutes the first night and afterwards I felt a little happier and lighter. Which makes me feel horrible but I’m not writing this to lie to myself. I stuck around because he was sad and I wanted to help him feel better and I wanted to help convince him to stop using drugs, but the honest truth is you cannot fix people. Especially the ones that you love. Which brings us to tonight and why exactly I’m writing this. The truth is, I think what he said to me is wrong. We did not grow up, in fact I fell as if at times I was more mature as the 16 year old in my spring semester of sophomore year than I am now. While I was out walking this evening I realized as I got older I stopped taking walks. I star gazed less often, and I replaced long late night talks with partying and getting drunk with people I do not particularly care for. And that is not me. I have grown up in some ways such as I know I don’t need a man to make me happy anymore, and that I don’t need one to throw my troubles upon because I’m the only one that can fix myself, but I lost who u was in an attempt to be who others wanted me to be. And I think that’s exactly what happened to my best friend and why I lost him this year. As this year ends I’m making a pact to myself to love deeper and cry more. To feel and stop pushing it away with alcohol and bad make out sessions. I want to wear less makeup and I want to help more people. Laugh more obnoxiously and wear whatever the hell I want whenever I want. And most importantly to bring back those deep conversations. Whether it mean I stay up late, or wake up early. I want to talk politics and religion, healthcare, racism, art, emotions, past stories, future dreams. I’m going to stop looking for that in shitty easy boys and find more boys like 16 year old Amery. Even if it means I’m lonely at times. I want to party less and spend more time alone. Learn to love myself for my acne and my stubbornness and learn to love and manage my flaws as much as I love my heart. High school sucked, but these past few months have really changed me for the better and as this new path begins and my old one ends I can only hope to one day find a best friend amazing as my 16 year old self had because he was a blessing in disguise as a loud obnoxious beautiful curly headed boy and I hope that one day he learns to love himself as much as I did. So some may live life thinking the world sucks and life sucks, but it is all about perspective and I know I’m on this earth to make a difference and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Whether it’s in the lives of curly headed sad boys, poor starving children, those discriminated against, or maybe even the lives of my own children one day. One thing I can leave high school knowing is that life is too short to waste it fighting and being sad, so I’m going to spend more moments loving and being kind. Here’s to growing up.

*,���5#

[mind-the-space]

Finding my niche is HARD

This is/was the ABOUT section for my homepage. But as you may have noticed, it's more like an autobiography.

Below I explain alittle about what has brought me thus far, on life's at times rather challenging journey. It's personal and who knows if I'll regret it. But it's true.....so here it is:

Deciding on a niche or focus for a blog is really hard!

I have many different interests, and as time goes by, many different titles to my name also. But because my wanderlust and perhaps more accurately my ever growing eleutheromania (intense desire for freedom) just keeps growing, I have decided to settle on a few foci instead.

Hiking and travelling is one, health and health benefits of walking is another. Design - particularly clothing and gear are still others!

I often find that truly experiencing a place is best done on foot. But besides this, hiking is a great form of excercise, it's free (at least the walking part) and completely eco-friendly!

I hope you enjoy the information and hikes that I present on this homepage. They are planned, tried and tested by yours truly. (Unless otherwise stated). 

Here's an introduction to the person behind the blog....

What´s so special about you, you say? Well, probably nothing. Actually, definitely nothing. Except the same old BS about us all being special and unique and important. I know that I´m special to my family. I´m very lucky in that regard. I have wonderful parents, a younger brother who is my close friend (only after we both graduated from youth!) and friends and relatives that support me.

So I guess I´m just like a lot of other people. Trying to make sense of my life, discover my path and trying to go through this experience, being as kind and as curious on the way as possible. But that's a pretty new philosophy to me. Not the "being kind" part of course, but definitely the "curious approach" part is now a priority. And even more recently the knowledge that I can live and work a Location Independent lifestyle through digital work. Ohh what wondrous times! 

I´m in my thirties now. I had other plans when I graduated from high school. Didn't we all? I thought I would follow a certain path. Be married in my late twenties, have kids by the time I was 30. Have shed the weight that has superglued itself to my ass since my teens. And definitely, absolutely definitely, be in a high powered job, earning lots and lots of money!

Ha!  Not quite. 

Well, I mean, I was always on the nerdy side. Good grades. Valedictorian. Accepted into the only university and the only course I applied to. Why have back-ups right? It´s what I wanted, and I knew how to get there. So, I studied. And studied. And studied. For 8 years at university I had a constant shadow of huge textbooks and never-ending exams. I didn't go on holiday without my books, for 7 of those 8 years. And my body and mind was so stressed out from the chronic bad conscience about not studying enough, that I kept gaining weight and at one particular low point, had signs of depression. But I was following the plan, right? This was going to pay off!! I was putting in the time, ready to reap the benefits in my late twenties. WRONG.

About halfway through my degree, I started having serious doubts about my choices. I found it harder and harder to focus and pass the exams. I sat in the library day after day, looking out at the world. All the beautiful girls and gorgeous boys, biking past the window, living, breathing, enjoying life. I was stuck. And I stayed stuck. I dragged my ass through the bachelor. But who needs half an education? (Delusional and arrogant much?) So, I convinced myself to keep going. One semester after another, some with 3 attempts at the same course. I was miserable. But I was so lucky though right? An amazing education, a life in one of the most wonderful cities on earth, a boyfriend (from when I was 25 to 31). Life was going according to schedule. This is what I wanted damn it!!! 

But I felt so lost. So alone. So completely tricked by my own better-than-though, know-it-all 19-year-old-self. The girl that had it all figured out. Laid the plan. Ticked the boxes. The girl that peaked in highschool?

Long story short. I graduated. I have my certificate. A masters degree. A clear path with financial security, laid out at my feet. So once again, I sucked it up. Surely, it gets better? If only I could just fall in love with my profession. In fact it should become my overnight vocation! I will live it and breathe it. I will become a world renowned researcher, I will publish articles in huge recognised publications and give keynote talks around the globe. WRONG.

I worked, day in and day out. I got up before the sun, and came home after it had set again. Okay, not hard to achieve for 6 months of the year in northern Europe, but still. I tried my damnedest to fit in. To find the spark of inspiration. To fall in love with my job. And it just wasn't there. Most of the time, I cried in the shower before work, I had constant stomach aches and I became less than hospitable at home with my live-in boyfriend, who gradually extricated himself from the train wreck that was my existence. No wonder.

When everything fell apart in the winter of 2013, I had to make a decision. I couldn't go on like this. It wasn't healthy, and frankly I got sick and tired of hearing myself complain, every time someone asked me about my wonderful job.

So I jumped. I took the proverbial leap of faith. (FYI: I´m an atheist, but this is still no small feat!). I let my contract run it´s course, without securing new employment. I sought professional help from a careers coach (Yay! by the way for coaches, therapists and good listeners across the globe! - But more on that some other time!!). I decided to start living my dreams. No, not because I won the lottery... which I´m still waiting for, by the way. But because it was time. Time to find that girl that had been extinguished under the weight of those textbooks and broken hearts.

So, I went to New York City. Yes, I rented an apartment, and went to NYC for 3 glorious months, to live out a life long dream of living in that truly spectacular city. It was amazing! Everything I had hoped for. The breath of "fresh" air that I so needed. It was a release. A liberation. I could get up when I wanted to. Go running by the Hudson. Walk from the UES to my apartment in SOHO, and eat world cuisine to my hearts content. But, it also taught me this: Don´t move to a new place, without having a job, a few friends or a school to attend. At least not if you're an introvert like me :)

You won´t meet people as easily as you think - and the New Yorker's are pragmatic to the N´th degree. "Ohh you´re only here for 3 months you say? Well, in that case, call me if you´re still here after 4!!" The huge turnover in people moving to and from the city has made many hesitant about forming new friendships. And understandably so. 

Anyway. I could talk for hours about the NYC experience. But perhaps that will come at a later time.

So, while in New York, I made yet another life altering decision. To understand this pretty impulsive and rather odd decision, you should know that I grew up in several different European countries. I am a restless soul. The philosophical pondering that can be made on this subject alone, is material for another post or 10. But suffice it to say, that I decided to move. Out of the country. To the other end of Europe. More specifically the southern coast of Spain. Better known as the Costa del Sol (The Sunshine Coast). There are many particular reasons for my choice, which I won´t get into here, but let me say that I have not regretted it for more than an hour at a time, here and there :)

It was been exactly the space and calm, and mental peace that was missing. I began my healing (not the crystal rocks and pendant swinging kind), but the broken heart and the disillusioned spirit kind.

I am healthier than ever. I have finally discovered a form of exercise that I truly enjoy - and that I can keep doing without getting bored. I have begun HIKING! Yes, in that wondrous heaven of Scandinavian pensioners filling the more than 100 golf courses along the coast, so gaily referred to now as "The Costa del Golf", by some ingenious marketing team. Despite the obvious influx of tourists during the summer season, and the noticeable "mañana" mentality so readily displayed by the locals and many expats too, I found a place. For a while at least. 

Why on earth...? Well, because its beautiful! Breath taking in fact. Free (in the liberated people kind, not the monetary sense). And the food is amazing! 

I no longer work within the field that I am so extensively schooled. I doubt I ever will again, at least not in the capacity of my previous jobs. But who knows? Life goes on. And I have finally started to chip away at the petrified shell that encased me for so many years.

I am more spiritual. I get up early, of my own accord, and bring my morning latte on to the beach when I'm in spain, and to the nearest window when I'm in colder climes. I hike through the mountains and valleys. I run along the boardwalk, and cuddle with my dog. (An addition to my life that I had hungered for for years!). But am I rich? - definitely not! But am I rich? Definitely YES!!

So in conclusion to this rather overwhelming introduction, I can only say: I hope you will read more of my journey in the time to come. But even if no-one reads these words, it is yet another of my self indulgent schemes to bring me not only back to the girl I once was, but far far beyond it!

Please Enjoy :)

Elisabeth