#and kinda sexually shhhhhh

[jemmo]

i just finished alice in borderland s2 and im dehydrated from crying, still kinda confused and extremely in love with aguni

[rcdiostcrs]

you know what, i don't wanna do formal intro posts (i will…… eventually). meet the new pjo kids. like this & i'll come to your dms for plots. click their name to be redirected to their pinterest board for a vibe check.

ceader oliver simmons.

son of cupid. 26 y/o. retired legionnaire, finished his tenure four years ago. name was misspelled on the birth certificate. homeschooled since birth by a crunchy mom. now a silky bitch. anger issues of a mars kid.

cyrene kelsey kamel.

daughter of khonsu's avatar. 22 y/o. legionnaire in her fifth year of service. college athlete: hockey player at iowa univeristy. died at 6 y/o but was brought back by thanatos & osiris. also has the anger issues of a mars kid.

garnett noëlle alaska.

daughter of skadi. 22 y/o. legionnaire in her second year of service. college athlete: figure skater at iowa univeristy. immune to the cold. super sweet & super lazy. shortens her middle name to masculine spelling.

spencer stetson sanders.

son of athena. 25 y/o. goes by his middle name. montanan cowboy. former chess champion. co-parent to a 6 y/o named savvy w/ his ex-gf. need a conversation starter, mention his daughter.

[scrambleseggy]

I think something wild about being an afab going on T at almost 30 and also being someone who’s lived an overall queer experience under a somewhat tedious labeling process is that I have MET toxic masculine trans men. For the record, I very much appear as a cis woman to people, and most people I meet just kinda sum me up as “some sorta lesbian.”

TW from some harsher personal experiences.

Back in my early 20’s, one of my FTM franchise managers sexually harassed me at a company party very inappropriately. Within the same time frame, one of my now ex-friends and on-site manager was dating a trans men who fit ALL the stereotypes of toxic masculinity: disregard for others, pavement princess giant truck, constantly talking over others or using his strength as a source of intimidation (and I would say a source of overcompensation as well lets be real here lol). At a certain point he made this ex-friend cry so much, I had to ban him from my house and tell him I’d try to get a restraining order if he came back.

So it does really annoy me that there seems to be an ignorant group of people who form online when trans women speak about transmisogyny within the community. Because there are trans men out there who act like complete douchebags and assholes to validate themselves in their identity or they’re just plainly assholes, and this is something I would see a lot at gay clubs as opposed to tight knit groups or niche online circles. Trans women and others are trying to tell ya’ll that this is a problem that happens and some of you are childishly sticking your fingers in your ears and going “LALALA TRANSANDROPHOBIA SHHHHHH” and it’s like… Ya’ll, you don’t have to turn a blind eye to this shit because quite frankly it’s embarrassing and very misinformed.

I will say however that as someone who is thinking about transition now, I can empathize with the knee-jerk reaction as well. It’s really scary to have people tell you the negative things you could become or ways you could hurt people. It can actually in my experience be a whole driving force in continuing to remain dysphoric through your life because it’s better to do that than feel like you may end up being completely alienated from everyone, especially if all women are a very important part to you in your life.

The whole “T is poison” thing runs deep. I always had this fear that the moment I’d start it would be the moment I would become the very thing I’m made to be afraid of even if it’s what I want to be. It’s such a difficult ball of yarn to unravel. What if I did get male privilege, but even in my gender euphoria, I end up hating myself anyway? What if I don’t get male privilege or “pass” but people in the “community” (such a loose and confusing word imo) also hate me and then I have no one? If straight women treat me bad after or before “passing”, if lesbian women see me in ways I don’t want to be seen, if cis straight men think I’m a freak and gay men think I’m an intruder… Where does that place me in the world? And who really am I? Will people believe me less or more when I’m hurt by others?

I think it’s atleast something for people to consider because as someone who’s dealing with really bad dysphoria right now, these are the kinds of thoughts that have been running through my head.

It’s also good to remember that online is online and real life is real life. Yes sometimes they reflect each other, but oftentimes, people lie on the internet (GASP!) and speak in exaggerations.

This is why it’s always good to try and strive for local connects to maintain your own sanity. At the end of the day, I know my own friends who still see me as the same person. And getting to know my own family of queer people of all kinds who I love dearly and they love me back does make the world feel like a more understanding place and less like a cruel and divisive one. I guess it’s just something to keep in mind.

[slightlysstuff]

Anthony DiNozzo x Reader

Can you please do one where the reader starts having erotic dreams about her coworker tony, and she tells kate about it, and then kate accidentally lets it slip to tony and he confronts her about it?

(I'm not thinking full-blown smut just teasing and some suggestive content)

AHHHHHHH I LOVE IT

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

𝓣𝓸𝓷𝔂 𝓓𝓲𝓝𝓸𝔃𝔃𝓸 𝔁 𝓡𝓮𝓪𝓭𝓮𝓻 / 𝓓𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓶𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓞𝓯 𝓨𝓸𝓾 / 𝓞𝓷𝓮-𝓼𝓱𝓸𝓽𝓼

Summary: You start having wet dreams about your coworker, Tony, and he finds out.

Warnings: sexual content, elevator makeout, teasing, and tony being tony

(also there is a part where Tony looks up the skirt of the reader and that's kinda workplace harassment so...)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"TONY?" Kate exclaimed. "Shhhhhh," I say looking around to see if anyone is listening. "Y/N out of all the people in the world you-I.......TONY?" she says in disbelief. "I can't help it, do you really think that I want to think about him in this way," I say desperately. "no but you do and that is just weird."

"I-um....urg" I yell out in frustration. "so are you going to tell him." my eyes widen "over my dead body," I say, looking at her as if she had two heads. ''what I think it would be good for you to express your emotions towards to-" I quickly slap my hand over her mouth to quiet her. I slowly remove my hand and she whispers "what?" I jerk my head in the direction of a certain gray-haired man. "what are you two doing" Gibbs says while smirking hinting that he knew something. "Uh, w-we were just-" I was cut off by Gibbs slapping me gently on the back of the head. "Get back to work"

"Y/N, tony you retrieve the bullet" Gibbs demands as he walks into the room of the crime scene. A naval officer and his wife were just murdered at their house on a naval base. the woman had traces of semen in her and hand marks around her neck while the officer seemed to be shot straight through the chest. the bullet had passed straight through the body and lodged itself into the brick wall. "we can't reach it, it's too high"

Tony then squats and taps his shoulders with his hands. I quickly shake my head no "why" he says confused. I gesture down at my outfit and he looks down and sees my heels and my skirt. "I won't look," he says but kate laughs "I've heard that one before Y/N." he looks at her and flashes that smile he uses when he is at his limit. He grabs my hand and says "I promise." I look at him and say "I still don't believe you" his face contorts into a facial expression showing fake hurt. "hurry up" Gibbs yells at us impatiently. tony smiles at me and again pats his shoulders. I sigh in defeat and take off my heels. I drag myself towards tony and say "if you drop me I swear to god you end up like that man over there" I say gesturing toward the man ducky is inspecting. tony just laughs and grabs my ankles as he does he starts to stand up once we're up he passes up a pair of gloves a bag and a pair of tweezers. "thanks" I say. he just smiles back at me.

once I get the bag sealed up with the bullet inside I call for tony "you can put me down now" he just smirks and says "aw but really like the view, by the way, are your underwear always lace or only sometimes." my face turns bright red and I start digging the heel of my foot into his collarbone. "ow ow ow I'm sorry" he says while grabbing my ankles and letting me slide off.

"Kate he looked up my skirt," I say with defeat. "I mean at least you didn't have to collect semen samples," she says laughing. "this is serious" I state with a harsh tone, but it just seemed to make her laugh harder. "tell Gibbs about it if you are truly bothered by it" my face turns red "I am bothered by it but not in the way you think. it's like he knows and he's just teasing me about" suddenly I hear a familiar voice "who is he and what does he know?" tony asked. "nothing," I say quickly. "oh ok....well I'm here to apologize Gibbs saw what I did earlier and he said I needed to apologize" "oh I think she was just fine with it" kate muttered a little too loudly. My eyes widen and I can feel my cheeks burning. Tony looks at me and my eyes immediately duck down to meet the floor. "I uh got to go," I say rushing out of the building.

the next day as I walk into the elevator on my way down to deliver some teeth to ducky. as the door is about to close I see tony running towards the elevator. I just sit there hoping and praying for a door to close on time, but at last, tony stuck his fingers in between the door and the sensors trigger the doors to open. "Y/N I need to talk to you," he says, but I just ignore him too afraid of rejection to hear him out. the elevator door closes trapping me and tony into the tiny room together. "Y/N" he speaks louder as if he thinks I can't hear him. the lack of acknowledgment creates a growing tension. he turns towards the door and I watch as he presses the emergency stop button on.

then he starts walking back to me getting way too close for comfort. he then grabs my jaw and pulls my face upwards so I look at him. "Y/N why are you avoiding me" I look at him as if he has gone clinically insane, "Because I am avoiding the embarrassment," I say trying to get him to leave me alone. "why are you embarrassed," he says in a teasing way. "Because I like you." I say trying to avoid eye contact but his hand is keeping a firm grip on my arm. "aww but sweetheart for some reason I don't think that is all" he says while leaning in closer "I believe you have something to tell me" "i-um-i" is all I manage to sputter out. "Don't be shy Y/N tell me" he says but his voice seemed to be an octave lower. "we-well I have b-been having some types of......dreams" I see his eyebrows rise and smile become wider "what types of dreams, describe them" he demands with a soft voice. "the- you know, the sexual kind" he squeezes my jaw as a sign to keep going. "I've thought about you know" he laughs and fakes innocents "no, no I don't know please inform me what types of dreams" "I've thought of you bending me over any and every surface imaginable, making me scream and cry," I say humiliated.

"I didn't know you were such a bad girl" as he says that I feel a pressure drop to my groin. still holding my jaw he harshly presses his mouth to mine. I let out a surprised gasp and as I do he slips his tongue in my mouth slowly exploring the wet cavern I call my mouth. I let my arms rest on his shoulders as I run my fingers through his hair. then he drops his hand from my jaw only for it to attach its self to my neck. I groan at the increased pressure on my throat. he slowly detaches his lips from mine a string of saliva connecting our lips together. he reaches down and pulls the bag of teeth I had dropped on the floor and gave it to me. "now, you are not going to ignore me again and you are going to deliver these to Ducky and Jimmy understand" he says. I nod my head in agreement "good girl" he whispers, running his fingers through my hair trying to get it to look halfway decent. he pushes the but emergency button again and the elevator starts moving.

[imagineredwood]

10. “We really shouldn’t have done this.” “Shh.” - Coco Cruz

Summary: After breaking up with Coco for never letting you in, you swore you wouldn’t fall back into his arms. Unfortunately, it’s his bed that you end up in. 

Pairing: Coco Cruz x female reader 

Warnings: Mention of his injury and scarring, regret after consensual sex in reference to feeling disappointed for taking him back (not that the reader was coerced or anything of the sort), referenced sexual content, angsty and kinda dark but it lightens up at the end some 

Word count: 898

A/N: Figured I’d give y’all something other than fluff for a moment. But it still has a liiiiittle bit of fluff at the end because y’all know I like that shit lmao 

You sunk into the blanket as you wrapped it around you, the soft material covering your breasts. Your respirations had returned to normal, no longer the gasping breaths you had been letting out a few minutes before as you moaned and cried out Johnny’s name. He was in the shower now, getting clean after the encounter. You, however, were sat on the bed regret beginning to fill you slowly.

Not necessarily regret for the sex itself. Coco was the man that had held the key to your heart for years and sex with him was always an amazing experience. It wasn’t the sex that was creating that sinking feeling in your chest.

It was knowing that you had gone back on your word.

You had sworn that you weren’t going to fall back into his trap. That you weren’t going to get involved with him again. That no matter how much you missed and craved him, you wouldn’t allow yourself to get caught in the webs of his and the club's problems. You both had been doing this back-and-forth game for a while now, and Coco ghosting you once again after the incident with his eye was the last straw. You had broken free from the vice he had on your heart, and yet once again, here you were having fallen victim to your love for him.

Hearing the water in the shower turn off, you stood from the bed and quickly began to get dressed. You didn’t want to still be there when he came out. You cursed yourself for letting him give you a ride on his bike from the clubhouse, wishing you would’ve just driven yourself.

For once, you would be the one to ghost him. It didn’t work though the Mayan stepping out of his bathroom with a towel tied around his waist. His eyes narrowed and his eyebrows furrowed as he looked at you, panties back on, your hand fumbling with trying to slide on your shorts.

“What are you doing? Where are you going?”

You stayed quiet for a moment, not trusting yourself to speak.

“I just…I gotta go.”

Coco walked closer to you slowly like one would an easily frightened wild animal.

“Ok…let me get dressed and I’ll drop you off.”

Shaking your head, you quickly denied him.

“No, that’s ok. I’ll walk. It’s not far.”

Coco shook his own head, irritation starting to bubble up within him.

“You ain’t walking anywhere at this time. What’s going on with you?”

You shrugged, tugging on your shirt, not even worried about trying to find your bra.

“I just need to leave. I need to get going.”

“But why?”

You didn’t respond for a moment, Coco coming to stand in front of you.

“What’s wrong though? Talk to me, baby.”

You winced at the term of endearment you had come to love hearing come from his lips. Shaking your head quickly, you reached for your purse as you finally relented.

“We really shouldn’t have done this.”

He could hear the slight panic in your voice and reached for you, taking your face in his hands.

“Shh. Shhhhhh.”

The soothing sound of his voice calmed you some, and you looked at him, taking in his appearance. His eye was scarred, hair much longer than you had ever seen it. You closed your eyes as Coco continued to shhh you, quietly cooing to calm you down.

“Can you tell me what’s going on please?”

You locked your eyes with his, seeing a new side of him. A man that was trying to be patient, trying to talk and address an issue. A man who was trying his best. You felt that warranted some honesty.

“I just don’t want to get caught up with you again. I love you, you know that, but sometimes it doesn’t feel like I get that love back. Every time something happens or goes wrong, you clam up, and that’s not fair. I just wanted to stay away from you and move on, but I fucked up and now here we are, back to square one.”

Coco winced, fighting that immediate urge to defend himself. Instead, he nodded, removing his hands from your face and opting to take your hands in his. He took a deep breath, eyes tired but sincere as they looked at you.

“I know I haven’t been the best man for you. I know I lock up whenever shit goes south and I push you away. You don’t deserve that, and I know that…I just don’t want it touching you. I should let you in and I should let you care. I should let you love me how you want to. I just…I get scared too.”

The Mayan swallowed, giving a slight shake of his head.

“If you wanna leave, let me take. I don’t wanna put all this shit on you right now. We can talk about it tomorrow if you want.”

You nodded, a faint smile coming to your lips.

“I don’t think you’ve ever been so honest and vocal about how you feel.”

Coco chuckled, rubbing his thumbs on the backs of your hands.

“Just trying out this accountability shit Creep was talking about.”

You let out a small laugh and Coco smiled, nodding his head over to the dresser.

“Let me throw something on and I’ll take you home.”

General taglist

@piccasoe @ateliefloresdaprimavera @gemini0410 @woahitslucyylu @my-rosegold-soul @that-chick212 @everyhowlmarksthedead @glimmerglittergirl @elcococruz @fanaticfangurl21 @encounterthepast @iambabyharry @svintsandghosts @starrynite7114 @saturnsaree @multiyfandomgirl40 @destynelseclipsa @sadeyesgf @queenbeered @iamthegraham @emoengelfurleben @all-the-boys-to-the-yard @otomefromtheheart @rosieposie0624 @papa-geralt-of-cirilla @beeroses​  @kola95​

Mayans MC taglist

@dazzledamazon  @abunnykisses @briana-mishell24 @angelreyesgirl @wrcn9fvlcver @peaches009 @capt-canadian @thesandbeneathmytoes @krysiewithak @veracruz-djarin @appropriate-writers-name @cind-in-real-life @blessedboo @montanaraed @kkim120 @megapeacelovemusic-blog @emoengelfurleben @blowmymbackout @abby-splace​  @kola95

Coco taglist

@maciiiofficial @emoengelfurleben @jatriciaaa @redpoodlern  @kola95

[dinosaurtsukki]

being the MSBY Jackals’ physiotherapist

anon: HEY BOO! LISTEN BEING THE BLACK JACKELS PHYSIOTHERAPIST! I can imagine a lot of damage I- bye 😽 I could I please have that as a headcanon 👉👈 thanks! ❤️ (that is a If requests are open..)

they are most definitely open and OH MY GOD THIS IS SUCH AN AMAZING IDEA WHEN I GOT THIS I COULDN’T WAIT TO START. i’ve been watching a lot of vids on what physical therapists do too and i hope you like this it was so fun to write !!

Bokuto Koutarou:

he deadass got you mixed up with the sports psychologist

when he walked into your clinic he was all ‘ah, hey there’ before lying faceup on the cot and just talking about his problems

and at first you were alright cause good to make conversation and everything until you realized.... “this guy thinks i’m the therapist”

bokuto: people always assume that i’m really naive and i kinda am but--

you: bokuto,,,, i’m not the therapist

bokuto: oh 👁👄👁

you: does it, um, hurt anywhere?

bokuto: *points to his heart*

after directing him to therapist’’s office, you finally clear up his misconceptions on what you’re supposed to be

you did hear about bokuto but what you didn’t expect was that he was An Actual Ray of Sunshine

whenever he comes to your office for his weekly check-ups, he always brings some sort of present

he likes to bring a package of cookies and the two of you eat them while you have your session

bokuto still uses the term ‘ouchie’ and it’s adorable

he takes really good of himself and his body so he isn’t prone to serious injuries. as soon as he knows something feels off, he’ll stop himself from working and come to your clinic

except,,, he comes way too often

bokuto: I WAS FLEXING MY FINGER AND THEN IT SUDDENLY MADE A CRACK SOUND WILL IT FALL OFF???

you: you’ve... never popped your fingers before?

bokuto: you can POP your FINGERS???

in interviews, bokuto loves to mention all the people who helped him on his journey and ngl it’s a REALLY LONG LIST but he always, always mentions you as ‘the best physical therapist ever!!’

and it makes you so soft you love your job so much

he actually ends up recommending you to his friend, akaashi keiji, because bokuto knows his shoulders and back hurt 

akaashi comes into your office and just goes: “can you crack my back and shake me like a glowstick?”

you: i think you’re looking for a chiropractor

akaashi: ...

you: okay, lie down. i’ll see what i can do

Hinata Shouyo:

he got LOST TRYING TO FIND YOUR CLINIC

like, you were checking your watch wondering where your client was before he burst into your clinic thirty minutes late

also for some reason he was really nervous to see you poor baby he had the misconception that you were there to find what was wrong with him and then after he wouldn’t be able to play again

so he was genuinely surprised after you just made him do a few stretches for him, recommended some ways to move his body to utilize it better, and just sent him off

hinata: just... just like that?

you: yeah, pretty much. unless you feel that something else is wrong

after that he’s not so afraid to visit your clinic. in fact, he enjoys it quite a lot!

hinata really takes note of the advice you gave him (he brings a notepad and everything) and he likes to call you up to let you know that they worked

he actually calls you A LOT, like you’re probably the person he texts and calls the most other than natsu

at one point he was calling you every single day asking about what to eat until you decided to make a whole-ass weekly meal plan for him to just cycle through

 he’s actually quite flexible (not as much as sakusa though) and he’s so proud of being able to reach farther than his toes

when you’re not looking though he measures himself against the height chart on your wall and you think it’s absolutely adorable

hinata knows how to take care of his body and TRIES not to overwork himself but sometimes he gets really impatient about wanting to improve so he’ll stay late in the gym, practicing his spikes and serves

BUT since his teammates know hinata listens to you they’ll threaten to tell you when he’s overworking

sakusa: hinata, if you don’t leave the gym right this instant i am calling y/n

hinata: just five more minutes!!

sakusa: *pulls out his phones and presses some random numbers in*

hinata: OKAY OKAY I’M GOING

it’s kind of like the adult version of your parents calling the doctor when you don’t want to eat

also you have no idea that this happens

even though he’s moved on from it, hinata still gets a bit paranoid about playing a major game while being sick

you’re always at their games as part of their medic crew and before it starts, hinata always comes up to you and asks if you can take his temperature

you didn’t know why until atsumu explained everything so now you make sure to always have a temperature on you for hinata’s peace of mind

Atsumu Miya:

someone who actually knows what physical therapists actually do thank god 

ngl you’re kinda shookt at how large he is in real life when he walks into your clinic 

he also assumes right away that you want an autograph so he gifts you a signed picture of himself which you always have on your desk from now on because come on you are a fan

atsumu’s really nice to talk to, he does flirt quite a bit but he genuinely asks about how you are too or if your family is doing alright

such a sweet boy

atsumu’s the one who visits your office often but for reasons that are actually relevant to your job because this man just overexerts himself too much

and he keeps brushing it off and saying that he’s alright but you know better you’re a physical therapist for god’s sake

atsumu: i’m telling you. it’s just a sprain!

you: *pokes his ankle*

atsumu: aaaAAAAAAHHHH

he’s the one that you have to constantly keep tabs on and thanks to the help of his teammates and a spare key, you’re able to drop by his apartment once in a while

but no matter how much of a pain in the ass he is you still can’t help but want to take care of him. whenever you make yourself dinner you find yourself making seconds for atsumu

before you know it, you’re making dinner for your favorite MSBY boys because you don’t want them to feel left out

you also have to stop atsumu from overdoing on the protein shakes and drinking vitamins

because he’s addicted protein shakes especially the strawberry-flavored one but you’re the only one who knows that so shhhhhh

atsumu: if one vitamin capsule makes me healthy, does that mean drinking more will make me even more healthy ??

you: NO STOP. STOP WHATEVER YOU’RE DOING. RIGHT NOW.

one time you got a call in the middle of the night from atsumu saying that he ate an entire container of gummy vitamins and you had to run to his place in your pajamas

idk you just see him so much because he keeps getting injuries and it’s hilarious

atsumu, walking into your clinic: hey, doc! they sent me here cause my back hurts from carrying the entire team!

you: atsumu, you dislocated your shoulder

Sakusa Kiyoomi: 

probably your most normal client among the four of them but that doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy his visits to the clinic 

well, actually when he first visited your clinic, everyone else stalked him because they wanted to see his Flexible Wrists in action

you had to chase them out

sakusa is SO HAPPY that you just took one look at his Flexi-Wrists and noted it down without going batshit over it

you always spray the cots and your instruments with alcohol before he comes in and sakusa knows cause he smells it and he appreciates that so much

one thing that you do notice is that sakusa,,, frequently glances at the jar of lollipops you keep on your desk and give out to your kid patients

and after a session he just lingers for a bit before saying good bye and leaving so one day you just take a chance

you: would you,,, like a lollipop?

sakusa: .... yes please

he chooses a cherry flavored one and is about to leave when he sits back down on the chair

sakusa: they’ll never let me hear the end of it if they see me

so you let him stay in your clinic for a bit longer before deciding to also get a lollipop and that’s how the two of you end your sessions

no talking. just lollipop eating

(i know how it looks but pls don’t add sexual connotations i jus want sakusa to enjoy a fricking lollipop)

he actually likes to remember the scientific muscle names and everything just to impress you 

also, he doesn’t want to give you a hard time but he also likes visiting your office and talking to you (and eating the lollipops) so he makes up all these excuses to come by your clinic

sakusa: i hit my toe on the table

you: okaay, do you need a bandaid?

sakusa: it was the small toe

sakusa’s quite selective about the people he’s with so he’s kind of attached to you now. like it or not, you’re his personal doctor

prepare to receive texts like ‘y/n, i have a cough. what should i drink?’ 

you: sakusa, i’m a PHYSICAL THERAPIST

you: also, ginger tea is supposed to be good for you

he’s actually your eyes and ears when it comes to monitoring the team. kind of like the kid who tattles to the teacher in pre-school

sakusa: y/n, atsumu’s overdoing it again

you: is that so?

atsumu, in the background: NOOOOO NOOO I’M NOT !! SAKUSA’S LYING

you have such a soft spot for sakusa. when he had to be confined at home for breaking his ankle, you sent him a whole jar of lollipops

he ate them all in one day

***********************************************

taglist (still open to anyone who wants in!): @montys-chaos​ @miyumtwins​ @strawberriimilkshake​ @pocubo​ @sugawara-sweetheart @akaashisbabydoll @laure-chan​ @therainroguefanfiction​ @atetiffdoesart @stephdaninja @oikaw-ugh​ @charliefredb​ @dramaqueenweeb1469 @tremblinghearts @applepienation @doodleniella @haikyuu-my-love @waitforitillwritemywayout @kattykurr @tpwkatsumu​

[catfishofoldin99colours]

Hello beautiful :) for the song question thing, if you'd like to answer: D, E, H, M, P, R, U. thanks :)

bless u for indulging me this feeds my gay theatre soul sO MUCH (also i tried SO HARD to make these all from different artists jkhvgclf)

d: a song that reminds me of a fictional characterdid u mean all 16 spotify playlists i have hfgjkdlsuoookokokok ok being serious... Maybe IDK by Jon Bellion lowkey reminds me of Pietro Maximoff from the MCU (i’ve been trying to find a song for him for ages and that just Hit Me like wow it’s essentially h i m)

e: a song by a band i’ve seen liveur gonna hate me for this but the closest i’ve ever come to seeing a live band is a recording of one concert by The Veronicas from like fucking 2005 or something... that being said i love their song Untouched so i’m gonna put that one there (yes i know Everyone knows it shhhhhh)

h: a song that reminds me of my childhoodMisery Buisness by Paramore just. reminds me of so many songs i used to listen to as a kid. not that i was very much into songs like that, but the melody has very similar vibes and just Reminds Me and it’s odd but i love it

m: a song that hasn’t got a video but i wish it hadSet It All Free by Scarlet Johansson could have such a cool video, it’s such a good song and i love it so much it just makes me happy and the beat is so soothing and also so jivey i adore it, and it’s like one of two original songs from the movie so why??? doesn’t it at least have a promo video??? come on

p: a song i’d recommend you based on your blogi had to scroll through ur entire blog again just to think of this song and i think i have it: If You’re Over Me by Years and Years. idk it fits with your blog theme kinda idk if you’ll actually like it ^^;

r: a song that i’ve listened to lots of times latelyCome My Way by Plvtinum - heard it on the way back from a folk festival in the country while my friend was driving and i reaaalllllyy like it, it’s very jivey and does some nice things i haven’t heard for a long time

u: a song that reminds me of a fictional pairingSO MANY. JUST. SO. M A N Y HOW DO I CHOOSEOK so Slow Hands (acoustic version) by Niall Horan is just soooooo wanda x valkyrie (mcu) like. it just gives me so many vibes of the dynamic i have for them in my head, just soft and slow and gentle and loving but also undercurrents of desperate in a mellow way, like they’re together now and it’s fine but if they’re apart suddenly it’ll be Bad, and also it’s just softly sexual and implies so many things but even with that there’s just a general feeling of wanting to be together and be with each other - and of course the ‘slow hands’ theme is just So Them, taking your time together and enjoying the feeling of the other woman’s skin under your fingers and it’s just really domestic and sweet and loving and i loooooooove it bvhcjxhfkdlzs

Send me music asks!

[dungeonqueering]

My hand slipped

☝ - How tall are you?
5'9" - 5'10" ✔ - Sexual Orientation
Lesbian 🚬 - Do you Smoke?
Not Cigarettes 🍷 - Do you Drink?
Occasionally. ♒ - Do you Take Drugs?
Shhhhhh 😳 - Age you get mistaken for?
If they see me, 19. If it’s over text, 26+ (I’m 22) 💉 - Have Tattoos?
Currently 5, eventually I’ll be COVERED ✏️ - Want any tattoos?
SO MANY ✂️ - Got any Piercings?
Currewntly 5, but I need at least 11, maybe more. ✌ - Want any piercings?
Yeah, a lot. 👌 - Best friend?
She doesn’t have a tumblr ♥ - Do you like anyone?
LOL SO MANY PEOPLE 🎤 - Top 5 favorite bands?
The Pretty Reckless
K. Flay
In This Moment
Eminem
Halestorm 📝 - Story from your childhood.
So this one time a multi-millionaire made me and my family breakfast in his mansion at 2AM. ‼️ - Something you’ll change?
My body 🔥 - Something spicy you like?
Salsa???? 👃 You hate the smell of ….
Cucumbers 👊 - Something you hate?
Capitalism 🚶 - Are you single?
Nope, have 3 partners. 💬 - Can we text?
Yeah, probably if we message enough first I’ll give out my # 💍 - Marry me?
No????? 💘 - Be my tumblr crush?
Sure! 💭 - Favorite foods?
Sushi, pizza, burritos ☀ - Story about your day.
I woke up and was miserable because no AC, then I went to work and came home and am about to sleep. Boring day. ✏ - Random fact about yourself.
I can solve a Rubik’s Cube in under a minute ✈️ - Where are you from?
Louisville Kentucky 🚀 - Where do you wanna visit?
Seattle, Portland, Baltimore, St Louis, New York…. 😍 - Do you have a crush?
Yeah 💃 - Can you dance?
I roll a 1 on my perform check 💏 - Do you love anyone?
Yes. 👟 - Favorite shoe(s) to wear?
Dark blue high top converse chuck taylors 🌎 - A country you would visit?
Any in Europe 🌀 - Favorite type of weather?
SNOW 🔮 - Do you believe in luck?
Sort of? 📱 - What kinda phone do you have?
iPhone 6, black, 128GB 📅 - Favorite time of the year?
Winter 📚 - Career goal you want?
IT professional. Used to want to be a sexologist, and a therapist before that. 🍭 - Favorite Candy?
Salted caramel pretzel anything 🍇 - Favorite fruits?
Bananas, pears 🎫 - Do you have a license?
Yes 🚼 - Do you have or want kids?
NOPE 🔞 - Are you under 18?
Nope 🐶 - Do you own a pet?
Not myself, but I am around pets a lot 😔 - Something that makes you sad?
Lack of queer representation in media 😡 - What pisses you off?
Lack of queer representation in media 😏 - What turns you on?
Good queer representation in media

[elrieltinuviel]

All the questions :)

1: How tall or short do you wish you were? Maybe a little shorter like 5′8″. 6′ is far to fall lol2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not) MOTHERFUCKING DRAGONS or a Samoyed!!!!!!!3: Do you have a favorite clothing style? Comfortable. I wish I could wear nicer clothes, but I can’t (yet)4: What was your favorite video game growing up? *Smash voice* Super Smash Brothers Melee!!!!!!5: What three things/people do you think of most each day: Food, home, and honestly @dontmakemekickyourass and @ladyofthecampfires pretty equally6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say? Warning: Boring AF7: What is your opinion on [insert person/thing here]? clearly we didn’t read this through haha8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic] Melancholic9: Are you ticklish? Hella :/10: Are you allergic to anything? pollen I think?11: What’s your sexuality? Asexual12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa? Cocoa! :D13: Are you a cat or dog person? Yes14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson? Elf? I’m Tolkien trash haha15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber? Dodie Clark maybe? I’m not sure16: How tall are you? Just about 6′17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to? I already changed it twice haha. But this time I really think my name fits me. So I mean legally I’d change my name to Elriel :p18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] Way too much! I’m not sure anymore, dad doesn’t have a scale in the apartment. But I was like 262 when I left home, now I think I’ve lost weight?19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits? Ye!20: Do you like space or the ocean more? Spaaaaace!!!!!21: Are you religious? Ehh, not really. I have my faith but I’m not into praying and such22: Pet peeves? I have a few, but I can’t think of any off the top of my head23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]? I’m already pretty nocturnal, but I’d rather be diurnal. Makes life easier24: Favorite constellation? Big dipper. Back home I could always use it as a direction teller. And using it and another constellation (whose name I don’t recall) You can always find the North Star25: Favorite star? All of them?!?!?!?!?!26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls? I don’t understand27: Any phobias or fears? Hella. Spiders, heights, small spaces, elevators, being alone forever...and more28: Do you think global warming is real? Yes????29: Do you believe in reincarnation?��Not really30: Favorite movie? Lord of the Rings31: Do you get scared easily? I get NERVOUS easily... scared, depends32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime? 3! I don’t remember one, I was an infant when he tried to kill me lol33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.] Good posts, not an asshole 9/1034: What is a color that calms you? ? No idea35: Where would you like to travel and/or live? Western Massachusetts. Or Canada! I like the cold. But I’d like to travel all sorts of places! I wanna visit my mom’s family in South Africa36: Where were you born? Central Massachusetts37: What is your eye color? Hazel. Usually brown, sometimes more green38: Introvert or extrovert? Introvert39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs? Sometimes40: Hugs or kisses? Yes.41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now? A few people. @dontmakemekickyourass @almostthere-nevergiveup @ladyofthecampfires @imgonnathrowup @twistinyourveins 42: Who is someone you love deeply? My friends! I love alll of them!43: Any piercings you want? My ears, maybe the other side of my lip someday? Probably gonna have to get my left nipple redone T.T44: Do you like tattoos and piercings? Yeah! most of the time45: Do you smoke or have you eiver done so? Sadly, I used to smoke cigars. And I used to smoke weed but I honestly miss that. But it’s not legal here in Texas :/46: Talk about your crush, if you have one! SHHHHHH47: What is a sound you really hate? The lady upstairs walking around at 3:30 in the morning48: A sound you really love? storms49: Can you do a backflip? lol no50: Can you do the splits? I used to almost be able to, but no51: Favorite actor and/or actress? I don’t have one52: Favorite movie? Lord of the Rings movies53: How are you feeling right now? hungry54: What color would you like your hair to be right now? Something flamboyant! Or something! I don’t know! 55: When did you feel happiest? Its been a long time.56: Something that calms you down? Cuddles and gr9 food57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] Ye. Depression, anxiety, ADD, ADHD, and I don’t think this counts but I may or may not be some hella weak form of autistic? Idk though58: What does your URL mean? I was hella into DW and I’m always hella into Tolkien. So a Timelord in Valinor59: What three words describe you the most? Hungry, tired, kind.60: Do you believe in evolution? Ye61: What makes you unfollow a blog? Racism, posts that I find annoying over a long period of time, I once unfollowed someone for reblogging my shit all day every day for a week. My phone was just blowing up constantly. I think I actually blocked her?62: What makes you follow a blog? Depends. Food blogs with recipes that seem interesting, my aesthetic, good shitposts, I followed @dontmakemekickyourass because I thought they were cute and they’re ace like me. Now they’re my best friend63: Favorite kind of person: Good. Kind. Understanding. An asshole but not in a bad way64: Favorite animal(s): Dogs! :D and cats! and sneks! and a bunch of things!65: Name three of your favorite blogs. @dontmakemekickyourass @polyhedralprincess @ladyofthecampfires66: Favorite emoticon: I can’t do this on my computer, I’ll do it on my phone after67: Favorite meme: I don’t know68: What is your MBTI personality type? ISFJ69: What is your star sign? Libra70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog? I don’t have one :(((((((((71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most? Comfy ones. Jeans and a shirt that doesn’t stick to my belly72: Post a selfie or two? Nope. I haven’t showered today.73: Do you have platform shoes? Nope74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself? I’m trying to learn Sindarin Elvish75: Can you do a front flip? nope76: Do you like birds? Sometimes. Depends on the bird. (Not geese)77: Do you like to swim? Sometimes. It’s been a while78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you? Swimming, I’ve forgotten how to ice skate lol79: Something you wish didn’t exist: Donald Trump80: Something you wish did exist: Dragons81: Piercings you have? My lip and my nips82: Something you really enjoy doing: cooking!83: Favorite person to talk to: @ladyofthecampfires84: What was your first impression of Tumblr? “This is stupid”85: How many followers do you have? 21586: Can you run a mile within ten minutes? HAH maybe?87: Do your socks always match? They aren’t matching right now, but usually yes88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely? Nope. I’ve never been able to.89: What are your birthstones? Opal and tourmaline90: If you were an animal, which one would you be? A FUCKING DRAGON91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be? A potato flower?92: A store you hate? Hollister93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day? 1 and then I get heartburn immediately94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds? Fly95: Do you like to wear camo? NO96: Winter or summer? Winter!97: How long can you hold your breath for? Only a few seconds now98: Least favorite person? Donald Trump99: Someone you look up to: People taller than me100: A store you love? Elite Ideas Trading101: Favorite type of shoes Comfy shoes. Hiking boots maybe102: Where do you live? Texas :/103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why? Nope104: What is your favorite mineral or gem? Sapphire. Not sure why105: Do you drink milk? No106: Do you like bugs? Not usually, depends on the bug107: Do you like spiders? FUCK NO108: Something you get paranoid about? spiders in the house?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!109: Can you draw: No :(110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked? “So if you’re asexual, why bother getting a sex change?” Thanks Mom.111: A question you hate being asked? “So you’re like a plant, right?”112: Ever been bitten by a spider? Not that I can remember113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach? Yes!114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days? Depends on the temperature115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now: 116: Favorite cloud type: Fluffy ones!117: What color do you wish the sky was? I’ve never thought of this before118: Do you have freckles? No :/119: Favorite thing about a person: Their personality if they’re kind.120: Fruits or vegetables? Yes121: Something you want to do right now: Hike a mountain122: Is the ocean or sky prettier? Sky123: Sweet or sour foods? depends on the day/food124: Bright or dim lights? In the middle125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature? I’m a magical creature, so yes126: Something you hate about Tumblr: TERFs127: Something you love about Tumblr: my lovely friends128: What do you think about the least? I don’t know, I don’t think about it much129: What would you want written on your tombstone? I don’t want a tombstone, I wanna be a tree when I die130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now? Donald Trump131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself? My love of food132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures? usually133: Computer or TV? Computer134: Do you like roller coasters? nope135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness? Motion sick, yeah :/ if I’m trying to read in the car136: Are your ears lobed or attached? detached137: Do you believe in karma? kinda138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are? 5139: What nicknames do you have/have had? ET, El, Cash, ATM, and many more140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends? I don’t recall141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink? Ye142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others? I try to be a good influence143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help? Both144: What makes you angry Hate that isn’t deserved145: How many languages do you speak fluently? 1 :/146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries? Girls/NB’s147: Are you androgynous? nope148: Favorite physical thing about yourself: My eyes149: Favorite thing about your personality: I’m generally kind150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person. Honestly any of my friends151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose? I like medieval times, but I’d just wanna visit152: Do you like BuzzFeed? I guess153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.] N/A154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons? Not usually155: Do you like to play with others’ hair? Sometimes, if they’re okay with it156: What embarrasses you? Me157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious: A great deal of things. Life158: Biggest lie you have ever told: I’m a straight, white man159: How many people are you following? 324160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)? 39,015 on this one, 81 on @godsilovefood and 1,017 on @elriel-starprincess so 40,113161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)? None162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)? 781163: Last time you cried and why: 2 Weeks ago. I was homesick and it hit me all at once164: Do you have long or short hair? Short165: Longest your hair has ever been: Shoulder length. I miss that166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religion? Religion is fine, extremists aren’t167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created? It’s interesting, yeah168: Do you like to wear makeup? Never have169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds? Not anymore170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully?  yeah

[buttclown]

Sexuality Chose me

*******Graphic…kinda…very friggin detailed****

Growing up, I never had the concept of “virginity” drilled into my head. My parents never had “the talk” with me. I was never told to wait until I was married by anybody other than the pastor at church and the bible. Even still then, it was not a concept that was drilled into my head. Honestly, I never had a choice in the matter (growing up an ugly took care of that for me). However, there came a point in my high school career that I decided I wanted to keep my virginity. I wanted my first sexual experience to be with somebody I loved. I wanted my first kiss to be with somebody I loved. I wanted it to be special to me. Virginity was something I held near and dear to me, not because I felt pressured to do so or because I was worried about societal pressure, but because I wanted my first time to be memorable. At this point, I had already felt the bad touch from a cousin who was a little bit too grabby. I wanted to be sure that the next person that touched me in that way was a person who would not hurt me…a person who cared about me…a person I trusted with my special thing. I wanted it to erase the bad touches and bring me good memories. Well, I can say it brought me memories. I will never forget the day…February 14, 2013. I was a wreck because I lost my keys and I was locked out of my bedroom, yet again. I had not bathed in a day or 2 because it was so cold in my room this winter. I looked decent, but I wanted to get dolled up because it was valentine’s day and, for the first time ever, I had a boyfriend on valentine’s day. Now, I have never been big on valentine’s day, but something about having a boyfriend made it seem like a big deal. we had only been dating a week at this point so, in my mind, I HAD to look good for him. I was ready to bail on the date because I needed to find my keys, but then he insisted…He was so sweet. when he came to get me, I was still looking for my keys. The first thing he did was compliment my attire. I was wearing a camo WVU hat, a bright orange jacket, some jeans, and a pair of dirty chucks or something. There was nothing cute about me, but he made me feel like I was absolutely stunning. he was so sweet. When we got to the restaurant, I looked around and made note of all of the people who were on dates and all dressed up. I  looked down at myself and began feeling self-conscious about it. “I think they are too dressed up” he said, “I think this is perfect for a date.” at least this is how it sounded in my mind. can you say SWOON?! I was so excited. 1) I had a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day. 2) It was a guy I actually liked and thought would never like me back 3) He was so genuinely sweet to me…not to mention the way he looked at me…MAN, he looked at me like I was the most beautiful thing in the world. He looked at me and my face just got hot. I would say I blushed but, as I often say to my cousins, I’m a dark girl…I don’t blush, lol. It was such a good night!! Then, we got up to leave. I had my card and was ready to pay for my meal, but he paid. I know it is just the “gentleman”ly thing to do, but it still meant something. When we got in the car, he asked me for a kiss. Naturally, I was more than glad to kiss him. He made me feel…happy. While in the car I asked him a question or two, so I could get to know him better. I wanted this relationship to progress. I figured he was on his way to drop me off at my apartment so I could look for my keys. I was wrong. Next thing I know, we pulled up to his apartment.

…This is where the good stops… I was awkwardly sitting in his living room, I felt so awkward. Growing up ugly, I had never been inside a guy’s home, at least not a guy that I liked this much. Even if I wasn’t ugly, I was so much of a goody goody (in some aspects) that I just wouldn’t if I was at home with my parents. I wasn’t sure what to expect. I figured as long as we stayed downstairs, we would be fine. I guess he sense my apprehension because, in the midst of my thoughts, he kissed me. I calmed down. He said he needed to go upstairs and get something and asked if I wanted to come with him. Part of me was screaming “no”…I should have listened to that part.

I followed him upstairs to his room. We sat down on his bed. He started playing music and we started talking. There was a pause in our conversation and I really liked the music he was playing. Since I was feeling so comfortable, I jokingly bobbed to the music. Then he said to me “We have to dance!!”not in a commanding way, but in a way that said “would you like to dance?” Through my bashfulness (and despite the fact I kinda thought it was corny), I consented as I stood up and took his hands. We danced. I laughed. He kissed me. And he kept kissing me. As he kissed me, he laid me down on the bed…I didn’t think too much of it until he began sucking on my breasts. I knew then it was time to stop. “Stop” I said. “I am a virgin. I don’t want to do anything” He laughed “don’t worry. We won’t do anything. we will sit here. Nothing will happen” He lied.

He stopped kissing me. and he switched the channel. We started watching Martin…I had only watched that show a couple of times before this. I haven’t really watched it since.

He sat back on his bed with his back on his headboard. I sat on the edge. “Come over here” he said gently and reassuringly. “nothing will happen” I thought to myself. I sat down beside him and we started watching the show. Then…he kissed me…and kept kissing me…and kept kissing me…He laid me down and cradled my face as he continued kissing me. Then, he started getting a little…grabby. “stop” I said as he grabbed and smacked my ass, rocking me to gain access and leverage. he chuckled. he stopped. He continued kissing me again. Then…he started getting grabby again…”STOP” I whisper yelled. This cycle continued for about 5 minutes…Maybe I should have begged…maybe I should have said “please”… After these 5 minutes had passed, he finally laid down beside me and said “I want to give you something” he took my hand. he led it down south…Next thing I know, my hand is on a soft, firm appendage. I didn’t look down…I didn’t look at his face…I didn’t know what to do. I rationalized that I owed him this, as long as it got him to stop. “do you like it?” he said. How does one respond to that? “yes” I said not that it mattered. as I answered he reached into my pants. “STOP!!” I said. Then he muttered some bullshit about fairness. I let it be…again…I owed him. Quickly, he leapt on top of me and began kissing me, again. I was relieved. It was over…Then…he started moving from my lips. His mouth suckled my bosoms…he began moving lower…he went towards my pants…he grabbed the waistband and began tugging on them. I pulled his head up. I kissed him. Perhaps this was my mistake.

He began tugging at my pants once more. He had managed to get them down before I could stop them. I sprung up “STOP!! I DON’T WANNA DO THIS!!” I pleaded one last time…he threw me down on the bed and held my legs to my chest…This was happening…I had no way home. I was stuck…this was happening…If I fought I would be stuck…if I fought I would get hurt…This was happening…OH GOD this was happening…I heard his belt being undone…My heart sunk…I heard his pants unzip…i wanted to die…The next thing I heard…well…the next thing I felt was pain…a pain I had never felt…I quickly learned that there are multiple forms of bad touch. the first thrust was painful…the next 3 were…absolutely horrendous…I groaned…wailed in pain…”SHHHHHH” he snapped “IT. HURTS” i choked out…”sorry” he said…right. you’re sorry for this…a few moments later, he stopped. He got off of me. He walked out the door…I laid their in pain, unsure what to do. I pulled up my pants. “I will not cry” I told myself. He returned and offered me some apple juice. He laughed. How sweet. He remembered a joke I made about drinking apple juice instead of alcohol. chuckle. chuckle. chuckle. I rejected the apple juice.

He came back over to me…still naked. he pulled down my pants once more. I laid down. I laid still. as  still as a corpse. What was the use in fighting? Why bother? What’s done is done. he entered me again. It didn’t hurt as much this time. I didn’t really feel anything.

I let him do what he needed to do. This was not my body. I let my mind wander. I let my mind drift away. He rolled over and laid me on top of him, penis still inside. I knew what he wanted. I knew what I was expected to do. I also knew that, no matter what, it was not happening. I kissed his neck. I kept kissing his neck. “Hurry up and finish” I thought, “Please just hurry up and finish”. this time around it seemed to last forever. He turned me over. on my hand and knees. Like I was worshiping him. Like I was begging him. he entered me again. he smacked my ass. he sat me on his lap he removed my jacket. he removed my shirt. I was exposed. I couldn’t stay up right, then it was back to my hands and knees. I could not longer hold it. I collapsed. He fell out of me. upon reentry, he missed the opening he had used before. i thought the first time around was painful. I was wrong. Finally, he collapsed off of me. I laid there…still. Then, I heard snoring. I sighed a sigh of relief. I sat there. exposed. cold. vulnerable. and lost. he turned over and took the cover. I fought a little. not enough. never enough. I put back on my clothing. Why hadn’t I realized I was in so much pain? “Where’s your bathroom?” I whispered repeatedly. not that he heard me. maybe that’s it. He just didn’t hear me.

I cried in the bathroom. I told myself I wouldn’t cry. It hurt to pee. It just hurt. My body hurt. I hurt. I was lost. I was alone. I was cold.

I came back and curled up at the foot of his bed…like I was a dog. I texted the first guy I had ever loved and the first guy to let me down. and I laid there. not wanting to sleep in the place. Counting down the hours until morning. 2:13 am…only 4 more hours until sunrise. Then, I will walk back to my place. 3:13 am…only 3 more hours. I fell asleep. “why are you sleeping down there” a voice asks. startled I woke up. “SHIT, I fell asleep” I thought to myself. “would you like a ride back to your place?’ he asked. i wanted to reject…I wanted to say “I will just walk”. Then, I thought about it. I was too tired to walk. I was in too much pain. I considered catching a ride with him then catching the bus to my place. Then, I thought about how people might see me with him and all of last night would be plastered on my face. I decided to just take the ride. I rode in silence. I asked him to drop me off in front of rue 21 so I could look for my keys some more. He dropped me off. I faked a smile as we said our goodbyes. As soon as he was gone, I allowed myself to cry. I deserved that cry. I cried in the rue 21 parking lot for a moment. Then, I picked myself up and proceeded to look for my keys. I found my keys. what luck. I headed back to my apartment and went to class. ready to be questioned for my lateness.

This is where I will end this story for now.

Most of my childhood was spent with a person taking what did not belong to him. Touching what was not his and me accepting that this was my fate. I felt dirty. People talked of how they were going to be in love their first time. I felt as though I had that fairy tale taken away from me. That is, until my beautiful, angel of a cousin offered me solace in the words “The way I see it, you didn’t actually have sex because you did not make love”. Something about those words made me feel..safe. Something in those words made me feel less violated. My virginity was not a prison that oppressed me. Abstinence was not a chain that bound me to the patriarchy. Virginity was my savior. Abstinence cleansed me. These two concepts were my beacon of hope. He had taken so much from me. He had taken everything from me. He had dirtied so much of me. BUT THIS. This part of me was clean. My virginity was my liberation from the hell that came as a result of my sexual abuse. I had finally found my freedom. Only to have it taken away by a person because he “wanted us to be closer as boyfriend and girlfriend”. Abstinence was my angel…sex  was my purgatory

Who really needs heaven?

Who really needs to be free?