#and just exploring the way homophobia and transphobia and misogyny all intersect when someone is gnc

[blood-choke]

hiiii… i wanted to ask more about this particular val scene where mc and her talk about that portrait and mc is a bit stuck on the word husband and wants val to know theyre not a man. can i ask what inspired that type of convo? i wanted to know if it’s something you’ll touch up on again? is this underlying feelings mc had before their entombment… worried that val sees them as a man just because mc is masc? cause i know that’s kind of broader discussion in the lesbian community iirc….. was that why you wanted to incorporate it? this ask has so many questions LOL but basically i wanted to say i was intrigued and it did made me think more on those type of dynamics (thinking back to those resources you rb’d a while ago that go more into depth about diff things in the lesbian community)

oh boy get ready for another long-winded answer from me!

a lot of the feelings mc has about their gender are inspired by Leslie Feinberg's work (mainly Stone Butch Blues)

Feinberg was someone who lived & passed as a man for years of hir life, and wrote a lot about the complexities of hir gender and what it was like being a "gender outlaw."

there was actually a scene in particular from sbb that kinda put the kernel of an idea in my mind that led to this narrative of the mc feeling overshadowed by Standard and anxious about being perceived as a man. it's towards the end of the book when Jess (sbb's protagonist) meets Ruth (a trans woman that Jess falls in love with)

Jess offers to help Ruth carry groceries up to her apartment, and Ruth takes this the wrong way & is offended, partly because she thinks Jess is a man.

One Saturday afternoon I found her clutching two huge bags of groceries and fumbling with the downstairs front-door lock. I pulled out my key.

“Here, let me.” She didn’t say thank you. She hurried ahead of me on the stairs.

“Can I help you carry those?” I offered.

“Do I look weak to you?” she asked.

I stopped on the stairs. “No. Where I come from it’s just a sign of respect, that’s all.”

She continued up the stairs. “Well, where I come from,” she called out, “men don’t reward women for pretending to be helpless.” Once I heard her apartment door close I kicked the stair in anger and frustration.

later, after they get to know each other better, they have this interaction:

I laughed and picked at my salad. “Do you know if I’m a man or a woman?”

“No,” Ruth said. “That’s why I know so much about you.”

I sighed. “Did you think I was a man when you first met me?" She nodded. "Yes. At first I thought you were a straight man. Then I thought you were gay. It’s been a shock for me to realize that even I make assumptions about sex and gender that aren’t true. I thought I was liberated from all of that.”

I smiled. “I didn’t want you to think I was a man. I wanted you to see how much more complicated I am. I wanted you to like what you saw.”

i think the inspiration here is quite obvious, hahaha. i figure anyone that's read sbb can sense the similar through-line here in my work. though the conversation between mc and Valentina has a much different tone.

there's another scene later as well after something happens to Jess and she has to have her jaw wired shut. she's working at a new job and is unable to speak, and she's also passing as a man at this job. she overhears some of her female coworkers talking about her and they refer to her as a "creep" and speculate that she's always watching one of them. Jess overhears all of this and then walks out of the job, goes home and pulls the wires out of her mouth herself:

After I was sure I’d gotten the last piece of wire out of my gums, I rinsed my mouth with whiskey and then drank the rest of it so I could sleep without remembering how Marija’s words had stripped me of my humanity.

butches & gnc women still face this kind of dehumanization; compared or likened to men in a derogatory way, accused of being "heteropatriarchal," the predatory stereotype of the fat ugly lesbian, and on the other side they're also hypersexualized, especially online and in queer spaces. butchphobia is a specific kind of misogyny that hits from all sides, even from the people that are supposed to be a part of your community. and this attitude especially effects trans women and women of color, who are already experiencing all of these things due to transmisogyny and racism.

i also really wanted to use this to touch on the kind of gender essentialism that we see in a lot of these cis feminist discussions - to these women at this job, Jess had committed no real crime other than being quiet and being the “wrong” kind of man. something about this scene has always stuck with me and really bothered me, but it's hard to put into words; on one hand i can admit i have probably been one of those women who made some kind of similar remark about a man i barely knew, but i've also been someone on the receiving end, too, because of the way i look. the mc in blood choke is put into this box, but they can't fit in, as someone who has been on both sides and doesn't really understand where they belong because of it; how can she stand beside Valentina or Hana or Clear when they might see her as a perpetrator, someone who can't be trusted? how does this mindset harm both the women and the men of the council and everyone in between? how can we break this cycle?

one of the films i mentioned recently when talking about the character designs was The Same Difference, which is specifically about the Black lesbian community and the discrimination within that community based upon gender roles (though this is not something limited to just the Black lesbian community)

a lot of the women in that doc talk about the boxes they're put in as AG or stud lesbians - they can't have their hair long, they can't wear makeup, they can't do this or that, they have to be aggressive and hard or else they're not real studs. they discuss stud on stud (or butch4butch) and how other lesbians look down on those types of lesbians, as well as the disdain for bisexual women for "betraying" the community. it explores the way misogyny and the patriarchy still oppress these women and forces them into this restrictive gender role despite their refusal to adhere to the other role originally assigned to them, and the way racism specifically intersects and exacerbates it for Black lesbians. there's a stud that's an exotic dancer and wears a weave, and a lot of other studs have a problem with this because a weave is "a female thing." another section follows a pregnant stud, and how the community shuns her for that, because she "dresses like a man and acts like a man" so why is she getting pregnant when she should be "the man"?

mc doesn't remember how they felt before entombment, but waking up they feel this need to prove themselves - both in that they are hard and aggressive like a butch should be, but also in that they want to be this person for Valentina or Clear or Hana (or all of them) that is safe and comforting. but they aren't sure how to do that when the world perceives them as this one specific thing - as a husband, as Standard, as a man, specifically this man who hurt Valentina.

of course we've already seen this to not be true of the companions with the last chapter as the mc learns more and spends more time with everyone. but this is kind of the foundation of where this whole idea came from. it started with my novel & i chose vampires for that story & this one because there is a long history of lesbian vampirism (and also because it's sexy) but there's this "curse" that both Hana & Valerie talk about in their respective stories, the first one being the racism she's had to face, the transphobia, along with this alienation and perception of lesbians as predatory and conniving and aggressive, as vampires, which i just think really lends itself to expanding upon these issues lesbians & trans women face both in general and within the community.

anyways if you want to read more i suggest Stone Butch Blues, which you can get for free on Leslie Feinberg's website, as well as S/he, by Minnie Bruce Pratt, available on the internet archive, Gender Failure by Ivan E. Coyote & Rae Spoon also on the internet archive, and you can rent The Same Difference for $10 on vimeo.

[aromantic-official]

Hi:) i kinda have a favor to ask. I am currently writing a book& one of the characters is aromantic. I myself do not identify on the spectrum& only have one friend who does. I already consulted her but I want to hear about other peoples experiences too in order to get a better grasp of things. I love the character& I want him to be authentic& not some half-assed representation. I was hoping that maybe you could direct me to some resources? Or if you or any of your followers feel comfortable ++

++telling me about your/their own experience that would also be greatly appreciated!! I would love to hear about the process of realizing and/or accepting it, about any family related issues and also about how it possibly affects someones daily life (e.g. how does it feel if someone keeps asking why u still aint got a partner etc.) I know that all experiences are individual but i would love to hear about some. If this is rude in any way I m very sorry. Also dont feel obligated to publish this :)

That’s a very good attitude to take about writing an aro character, and I’m very glad you have an arospec person to consult as well, since it should help a lot. Here’s an ask we answered about a non-aro person writing an aro character, with many resources and basic tips. Here’s another, this one covering important tropes and pitfalls to avoid.

The question isn’t rude, but asking someone about how it feels to be out or how being aro affects their daily life can be very personal, so be careful and tactful if you choose to do so. Realizing you’re aro is going to be different for everyone, just like any other LGBTQIA+ identity. You may not be able to apply some of these scenarios to the world your character is in (ex. not having the internet in a fantasy book, or no aspec communities exist in a dystopian realm).

Some of the most common experiences I’ve seen for realizing you’re aromantic go along these lines:

“I found the term aromantic through asexual communities, both near the same time, and it clicked. The relief I felt was immense and I’m happy to have words to describe myself.” Most often for aroaces.

“I was exposed to the term aromantic years before I realized it fit me. I was in deep denial, both from other factors (could be sexual attraction, past relationships, trauma, wanting to be in a relationship, etc.) and amatonormativity.” Often for aro allosexuals and/or people who have tried to force themselves to have romantic feelings.

“It was very hard me for me to find a place for myself. The labels were small, hidden, and mocked/belittled/invalidated, and the journey to find something that fit me was long, but I’m glad I made it.” For people on the aromantic spectrum.

“I always knew I was different. I explored queer communities for a long time, switching between many different labels, but never feeling anything quite fit, before finding the term aromantic.”

“I never knew I was different. By finding the aromantic community, I became aware of the small things about myself I had pushed aside or ignored, because I didn’t believe it was possible to be the way I am.”

“I feel romantic attraction under certain conditions/rarely/in a certain way, so I didn’t believe it was possible for me to be aro, and felt alienated from the community. Later, I found labels that described my experience, and a group of people that understood what I went through, and I embraced my identity.” For arospecs.

“I knew of the term aromantic for a long time before I realized it was me. I questioned it, but due to incorrect/negative mindsets and amatonormativity, identified as many queer and arospec labels once I realized I wasn’t straight. Eventually, I pushed my denial aside, and embraced by aromantic identity.”

“I can’t be aromantic! I had a crush in 2nd grade!/There’s a person I think is cute!/I have sex!/I have strong feelings towards people! (usually squishes)/I want to date!/whatever bullshit excuse my mind threw at me during questioning. Eventually, I pushed through it, realized many of these were common experiences with names/labels in the aromantic community, and concluded I was aro.”

Family-related issues can be a bit more complicated. Just like any other LGBTQIA+ identity, it’s a personal choice to come out or not, with all kinds of factors contributing to the decision. I’ve seen many who have successfully done it, those who have been rejected, and those who will never come out. Fighting heteronormative and amatonormative stereotypes, ideals, and issues is fully individual and based on the family and the aro. Not to mention homophobia, transphobia, aphobia, or any other bullshit an aro’s got to deal with. Safety levels upon speaking up also vary; not everyone can be an activist. Handle this issue carefully.

As for daily life… being aro affects much of it, for many of us. It can affect which friends we have, what jobs we take, how we interact with people, what kind of partners and relationships we have, if any… everything, even in the smallest of ways. We know we’re different, we’re Others in the eyes of society. Romance is constantly marketed as something everyone always wants, must have, needs, and only the monsters, the aliens, the villains, the cold and broken and ugly don’t get a love interest at the end of the movie. The boy gets a girlfriend because he did a good job saving the world, right? Heteronormativity, misogyny, and amatonormativity intersect pretty neatly that way. This takes a toll on your mind over the years, the same way other anti-minority attitudes do.

The best way I can describe it is as a fundamental disconnect. It’s hearing people talk about their crushes and realizing you’ll never have a staple of the human experience, of growing up, of fitting in, that is so basic and ingrained it’s not even questioned. It’s realizing your friends will always value a romantic partner over you, no matter how close you are. It’s seeing wedding clothes and feeling sad, instead of hopeful or happy. It’s trying to find a song not about love, in vain. It’s watching a movie and not understanding why these two characters that stood next to each other are being shipped. It’s starting to loathe Valentine’s Day, for the constant reminders you’re different, so different no one even knows you’re here. It’s being so, so tired when people ask you why you haven’t kissed/dated/married yet, looking at you like you’re sad, or a child, or disgusting, or broken, or perverted. It’s realizing you don’t have the future everyone else sees as the ideal, and you don’t really know what kind of future you’ve got at all.

So yes, it can be depressing, but it can also be nice and fun, as shown in one of the asks I linked at the beginning. So don’t forget we’re not all gloomy discourse-plagued hermits, we’ve got personalities and stories and lives with many happy spots, just like any other person. One last thing, our resources page may help you as well!

Good luck writing your character; I hope they’re amazing!

- Mod Harley

[ariasune]

Are genderbends transphobic?

I am transgender, that is not a preface I am accustomed to using, it’s not one I feel I should use, or should have to use frequently, but when I talk about this, I know that I am talking about it partially from that place: of being trans. 

I am someone who is trans, but I am only one person. I am not all trans people, I am not all people, I cannot be, and my feelings on this subject are complicated. I don’t know where the line between what I know, and what I feel are separate, and I don’t know that they ever could be.

So are genderbends transphobic?

Well... Are they sexist?

Maybe not as much now, but if you know your history, genderbending began in a primarily cisgender, heterosexual male community as rule 63 (sfw). Objectively, many of the images associated with rule 63 were sexual, fetishizing, often violent examples of objectifying pornography. There certainly was a sexist streak when cisgender, heterosexual men were playing the game.

Genderswapping, as it was called, was then championed by cisgender, heterosexual women. How many of you remember it from fanfiction? It was hand in hand with homophobia much of the time. A tidy sanitization of male-on-male intimacy with the simple solution of heterosexuality, but yet, also a deep, and driving exploration of misogyny, and what gender meant to these women. It was important, to see women as main characters, to see them given agency, to see them powerful.

Nowadays, I see more and more genderbending from cisgendered people of other stripes; queer women. Often to explore their gender, and sometimes even to explore a shameless sapphicism, celebrated in everything from sweetness to sex. There is agency here too. There’s power here too.

And there is transphobia. Some of it I can explain, where it intersects with the sexualization of transgender bodies and lives, and even where this fetishization meets a desire to provide a voice to wlw, I can still trace the violence in these roots.

Some of it I cannot explain, a discomfort like I am disappearing, dysphoria brandished inside me like a weapon, a squeeze on me that hurts and yet I struggle to name, and even struggle to allow at this discussion. These are feelings, and as valid as my pain may be, is it truthful?

I do not want to take away a tool for cisgender queer women to celebrate their love of women.

I do not want to take away a tool for cisgender heterosexual women to celebrate their love of women.

I am conspicuously silent about where cisgender heterosexual men fit into this discussion.

However, the more I think on it, the more I firmly believe that all aspects of gender au - from trans headcanon to cisswapping along the binary - are all within the purview of trans experiences. 

Everything that takes a transformative stroke to gender begins to play with my life, from my experiences to how people will treat me. Gender au as a very wide trope has an impact on me, and influence from me as a trans person. 

Even if you are cisswapping a character, the role of social dysphoria, of designation, of assignment, of every part of the binary has a voice in my life, and when you cisswap, you tap into that very loud, often very painful experience. I promise you that you may think you understand what you are writing, because you are a woman, or you are a lesbian, but if you are not trans, then you do not fully know what you are accessing.

I beg of you to properly examine what you are accessing, and to do so responsibly.

I would not condemn or forbid a tool I know is used for good, and empowerment, but I believe gender au, which includes genderbending, is part of the trans community’s narrative.

It is often said that cis men are not very good at writing cis women. It is also said that heterosexual people can struggle to accurately, and humanely portray the homosexual, bisexual, and pansexual experience. White people frequently attempt, and fail to appropriately discuss black narratives.

It should also be said that cis people are typically very poor writers of trans experiences, and genderbending is always a trans experience. 

That is my answer. That is my conclusion. Genderbends are so frequently transphobic, and unpleasant to behold, because they are written by cisgender people who do not know that they are writing transgender narrative. They may know when they are writing cis women’s narratives, and cis sapphic’s narratives, in a way rule 63 did not account for, but they are writing transgender narrative too.

I choose to believe this is largely ignorance at play, rather than malice, but in truth it is probably both.

So often the discussion of whether genderbending is transphobic dissolves into a recap of this history, rightfully defending genderbending as giving a voice for women, but let it at least be a voice for all women. Your sisters, not just your cisters.

If gender au can be a tool of celebration for cisgender women, and cisgender queer women, then let it be a tool of celebration for trans women, for trans men, for non-binary people, and trans people of every stripe.

tl;dr genderbending is not inherently transphobic, but the average cis person portraying it is