#and ive been thinking...as much as i love them and prefer them... theyre very inconvenient when im out of the house because i dont

[celticwoman]

thinking of (once again) trying to do the switch to bluetooth earphones.........😓

[austajunk]

can you do 1 3 and 35 with clockmare? ive been reading all your fics and theyre so good!!!

Thank you so much, anon, and I'm so sorry this took so long. It's my first time writing Clockmare but the recent DLC for Fubuki really made me love them. ❤️

Triggers: Mild allusions to prostitution, fingering, trust issues

Purchasing the trust of another was always a balancing act for as long as Halara Nightmare could remember. At this point, they were quite used to it. It was a minor inconvenience to interact with the world around them, but they always put up with it because of all the Shien they would rake in at the end of the day. The world was a rotten place from Halara's point of view and to use every interaction as a transaction of goods seemed to help them micro manage things one step at a time. 

"How much?" Halara asked Fubuki Clockford when they were alone at the agency. 

It was hard to get a moment alone with the Clockford heiress with everyone coming and going around the Nocturnal Detective Agency from morning to night. In the rare moment when Halara found Fubuki sitting beside the fireplace on one of the sofas, they weren't going to let their chance go to waste. Fubuki had caught Halara's eyes. As ditzy and downright strange the voluptuous woman could be, Halara found her intriguing. She was beyond wealthy. She was a full-on rarity due to her family title and her Forte. There wasn't another out there like Fubuki. 

Halara had to know. How much did Fubuki cost? 

"Hm?" Fubuki lifted her head and glanced at the detective who had sat down across from her. "I am quite sorry. I am afraid my head was in the skies. I think that is what they say anyways." She rested her hands in her lap and gave Halara a polite smile. "What were you saying, Halara?"

"That’s alright," Halara said sharply. They crossed their legs and narrowed their gaze. When it came to Fubuki, Halara found it surprisingly easy to be more patient with her. Maybe it was that innocent smile or the little bit of gentleness in her voice. 

But Halara would make it clear to Fubuki no matter what. "I'm saying that I wish to purchase you for the night. I want you to come to dinner and then spend the night with me. Of course, that includes you doing whatever I say when we return to the hotel room. If I want to touch you, you'll let me touch and play with your body. Ultimately, I want us to have sex." 

Fubuki concentrated hard for a moment. It was almost amusing to see the gears turn in her head from what Halara had just said. Interestingly enough, Fubuki didn’t appear uncomfortable; in fact, she seemed only a little flushed. 

"And…you want to pay me for these things?" Fubuki asked, taking her time with each word that came from her mouth. 

Halara nodded. "That's right. How much do you want? I'd prefer to keep this as a transaction rather than anything serious or emotional."

The heiress shook her head. "That… doesn't feel like something you should pay me for." Halara had to wonder if Fubuki was even considering the sexual component of what they had proposed. 

"It sounds like an adventure between close friends!"

Halara nearly broke their sucker with their teeth and paled. Did Fubuki even hear what they wanted? "I am being serious. I don't want something emotional with you. As a detective, I abhor any sort of loyalty or commitment. I want to buy you and use your body for the night." Was it harsh to be so blunt?

"Still…I would rather not take any payment from you, Halara," replied Fubuki, a bit too earnestly for Halara's liking. "If we are going to do something together, then it is an adventure for both of us as friends." 

What was Halara supposed to say to that? Fubuki had honestly taken them aback and so, Halara was locked in a moment of silence. "Very well," they finally said. As soon as they saw Fubuki's curve into that happy smile, they did their best not to grunt uncomfortably. 

"I am still paying for dinner and whatever you desire for the night." 

Was this pitiful? Halara felt like they were reaching for some sort of leverage in this relationship. A way to put themself back into control above Fubuki, a way to make the heiress indebted to them. But still, the smiling face of the beauty across from them made Halara wonder why they felt they needed it so badly. 

–

"This is so much fun!" Fubuki declared, strolling along the streets of Kamasaki district. She hung off Halara's arm underneath a rented dronebrella to avoid the rain above. In her arms were a few boxes of chocolate and a bag of takoyaki. It was hardly restaurant-quality food, but even Halara had to admit that walking around the various districts and stopping at the cafe with Fubuki was rather nice. There was something to be said about the joy Fubuki took in every single thing she did. Halara couldn't imagine approaching the world like she did, but when they observed her going about her day, she made them want to be less guarded in their approach. 

As Halara had "ordered", Fubuki wore a long, navy gray dress that hugged every curve the woman had. Her usual braided hair was traded for a mass of long curls that hung over her shoulders. With a pearl necklace with a red gem at the center to finish off the look, Fubuki looked every bit the image of a high society date. And she didn't seem to really mind indulging Halara in what they wanted to see her in. The string-based black lingerie set that went with the outfit was always a plus as well. 

The only problem was that Fubuki, in her usual enthusiasm, insisted that Halara get dressed up as well. 

Halara had flushed, their chest tightening with slight embarrassment. "Really?"

"Oh, yes!" Fubuki said, her eyes shining. In her arms was some sort of suit ensemble. Where had she even found those? Halara had only left her alone for one moment to select the dress they wanted for Fubuki at the boutique and when they had returned, Fubuki's arms were stuffed with pieces of a suit. 

A pin-striped suit. Halara tried hard not to grit their teeth and sighed. "I am paying for this too," they said firmly. 

Nodding eagerly, Fubuki stuffed the dark, violet suit into Halara's arms and pushed them into the dressing room. Halara tried to fathom not looking in the mirror and just doing as Fubuki asked, but they couldn't leave the dressing room without seeing themselves in the suit. They scoffed and tried to push down their embarrassment, tucking their lilac hair behind the suit collar. It seemed they were as much Fubuki's date as Fubuki was to be theirs. But…that was alright, wasn't it?

After showing themselves off in the suit Fubuki picked for them, the woman beamed at Halara and threw her arms through theirs. From that point on, the night was filled with a long walk and lots of talking mostly from Fubuki's end. Halara found they simply didn't mind it. 

It was a noisy evening compared to most of the ones Halara spent on their own, but it was genuinely preferable so long as Fubuki clung to them. 

–

Once they had reached the hotel, Halara found that they were actually a bit tired. Fubuki had dragged them all over Kanai Ward and talked so much that Halara actually slid over to bed and laid back. Fubuki collapsed beside them with a sweet chuckle against Halara's chest. With their hands rising around Fubuki's waist, the heiress curled into their chest and pressed a sweet kiss to Halara's cheek. 

It was almost a scene that Halara was content with. A day out with a friend. They had fun together, but Halara wanted more. They wanted what they were originally going to pay for, but it felt like too much to ask for. And so the question hung in their throat. 

Holding Fubuki there seemed right. She hung over Halara's waist beneath the hotel room light, her light hair pouring down her shoulders. 

"Oh! That's right," Fubuki whispered above them. Her cheeks were a little warm from getting out of the cold rain. "You wanted to touch me…right?"

Halara nodded, letting their hands rest on Fubuki's hips. "That's why I purchased you for the night." Even though they hadn't really bought Fubuki herself, they had paid for everything they had done up to that point. 

"But…" Halara's voice trailed off. For a moment, they had forgotten everything they wanted. Earlier, they had set out with something to prove, that a high value person like Fubuki really could be bought with the Shien Halara had obtained. That they were worth Fubuki's time… and her trust. 

"We don't have to do that." Halara sat up and gently shifted Fubuki's weight to the bed. There was nothing to prove to Fubuki. And surely, Fubuki didn't have to prove herself to them either. Halara avoided Fubuki's confused glance to obscure their own guilt. "It's already been an adventure."

"Still…" Fubuki's voice perked Halara back up. "I don't want the adventure to end. Is it my fault? Do you not trust me?"

Halara blinked. They turned back to Fubuki and caught that sincere look in her eyes. Once again, their chest felt tight. Why did she invoke this weakness inside of them? 

"I… don't typically trust anyone," Halara admitted. "There's no need."

"I see… well, that's alright," said Fubuki. She moved her hair to her other shoulder. "I still don't want to end our adventure here. I want to go as far as I can with you, Halara!"

"You…" Halara brushed their hand to their face to hide the briefest smile that had appeared there. "You really are a bit ridiculous…"

Ridiculous as it was, Halara found their hands filled with Fubuki's chest and urging that slender dress down as their lips met. That possessive streak hit them once again and they made sure Fubuki knew it with a bite and a tug on her bottom lip. The whimper Fubuki gave off was all too satisfying. The woman on top off them winced and succumbed to Halara's arms while she dug at the tie of the suit to remove what she could as well. 

"Halara-!" 

That was all Fubuki was going to get out. Halara plopped the heiress on her back over the bed and continued to kiss and nip at her neck. Every sound and squeal the woman made could be felt on the trail of possessive tugs on her throat from Halara's teeth. Fubuki's experiences were being shaped by them and they wanted Fubuki to know it. But they couldn't help but to drink in every breath, every moan, every delighted giggle that Fubuki made. 

They reached her breasts and cupped them once more into their hands. Their thumbs slid around the swollen pink nubs, stroking them and circling them until the left one was brought between Halara's lips. It felt all too scandalous and perverted to partake in the heiress like this, but Halara savored it. Everything from Fubuki's moans to her body heat mesmerized them. She really was well worth the Shien…and so much more. 

"Ha..Ha…" Fubuki tried to moan out their name but Halara's hand quickly sank beneath her panties to cut her off. 

"Don't worry…" Halara breathlessly told her, their saliva still connecting Fubuki's nipple to their lips. "Just trust me."

Their digits stroked Fubuki's pink slit underneath her panties, working her up until they felt Fubuki groaning and undulating to them. Halara switched the right nipple to suck and bite while their free hand continued to stroke the reddened nub they freed from their lips. They bit at Fubuki's soft chest. Hard enough to leave a swollen, purple mark but nothing to break the skin. Halara was far more loving than that and if anything, they admired Fubuki's beauty with all their heart. 

Even as they worked their fingers to Fubuki's clothes, pinching the delicate button, Halara's eyes were locked on her face. The winces, the way her full, pink lips formed that little "O" of pleasure made Halara's mind all too dizzy with need and want. 

 "It's going to be okay…" Halara assured her in a hushed breath. They traced around her folds in delicate motions, drawing her out, teasing her until those sounds told them that Fubuki was ready for one finger inside of her. Then another. They worked slow to fill her and to place the thumb steadily to her clit, to find the rhythm in the movement of her hips. 

The trembles of Fubuki's body guided Halara to her lips to quiet her with another kiss. Biting wasn't needed anymore. Fubuki kissed them back with just as much fervor, taking that adventurous determination to explore Halara's mouth and massage their tongue with her own. In turn, it was Halara who moaned and pulsed against Fubuki in desire. The woman beneath her was too sweet, too trusting… and Halara found that was what they wanted too. To let go and simply be with another person wasn't a world they could just partake in so easily, but Fubuki made them want to close their eyes and try. 

It was there for them. A place where they could just close their eyes and trust that the other person wanted Halara just as much…

Fubuki whimpered and dug her head into the crook of Halara's neck, burying their companion in the sweetest kisses and nips. They weren't harsh or possessive like Halara's; instead, they swept over the detective's skin with an adventurous and learning intuition, trying out every spot to see what they could draw from the one above her. Halara tilted their head and allowed Fubuki to find her footing, to mark them in ways Fubuki wanted to just as she felt that distinctive jolt of pleasure inside of the woman. 

Fubuki's body tensed and shuddered, the orgasm trailing and building to Halara's digits as they played and drew her out. The polite nature of the heiress was ultimately dispelled as the short moans filled the air instead. Watching the young detective's body curl around Halara's fingers drew the breath from their lips in pride. Halara didn't think they could ever get used to it, nor the subtle quivers of Fubuki's naked chest as it rose and fell. 

"That was… I…" Fubuki gasped, her cheeks red and her mouth watering. Her right palm had been gripping the comforter of the bed. 

Halara shrugged, adoring the sight as they poured over her. Their free hand slid across the purple welts they had left across Fubuki's collarbone. "You should work on recovering. I doubt you want this adventure to be over just yet…"

[chimcharstar]

Questions 1, 2, skip a few, 99 100! ANSWER THEM ALL!!!!!!

LETS DO THIS

99 gay-ish asks

how tall are you?5 SOMETHING

what is your body type?SLENDERMAN

what is your favorite part about your body?THE T

is your current hair color your natural hair color?YES

are you more outgoing or more shy?SHY

are you more femme or butch?ITS COMPLICATED, BUT, BUTCH

are you tol or smol?APPARENTLY IM TWINK. NOT SURE WHERE THAT IS ON THIS SCALE

wine mom or vodka aunt?NO

weird habit?I EAT BREAKFAST FOOD AT ANY HOUR

favorite meme?VIBE CHECK, IM SMUG ABOUT MY URL

do you sing in the shower?NO BUT I USED TO. JUST SHY ABOUT ROOMMATES. I DO IN MY CAR

ever used a bow and arrow?NO, BUT MY BROTHER DESIGNED AND BUILT ONE, GOT IN TROUBLE FOR MAKING A WEAPON

are/were you a theatre kid?IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE IM ALLOWED TO HAVE AN EGO, YES

have you ever seen a broadway musical?NO

do you think musicals are cheesy?NO I THINK THEYRE JUST A MEDIUM OF ART

have you ever been a part of a protest or a march?NO WEIRDLY

favorite Cards Against Humanity Card?IDK THEM

last movie you watched?PROBABLY MEGEAMIND

behind the camera or in front of it?BEHIND. BUT BOTH IS GOOD

favorite tv show?AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER

meaning behind your urlTHE ACTUAL REASON IS IT REMINDS ME I CAN TRUST MY INTUITION

reason you joined tumblrA CRUSH WROTE IN MY YEARBOOK I SHOULD GET IT. DONT WRITE THAT IN PEOPLES YEARBOOKS

who’s your closest tumblr friend?THE PERSON ASKING ME 99 QUESTIONS

what’s something most people love that you hate?TACOS AT WORK. THEYRE POPULAR OF COURSE. I MAY NOT KNOW MY TACOS, BUT PLAIN RAW CABBAGE ON THEM MAKES ME DOUBT

have you ever taken narcotics?NO

have you had sex?NO

have you ever gotten caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?I DONT GET CAUGHT!!!! IM SO SNEAKY… AND TRAUMATIZED. I ONLY GOT CAUGHT WHEN PEOPLE WERE LIKE, HUNTING ME. NOT FAIR. ALSO HOW DO YOU “GET CAUGHT” FOR DOING NORMAL THINGS LIKE READING AND HAVING CLOTHES

worst/funniest lie you’ve ever told?PROBABLY THE REASSURING CHRISTIAN VALUES THINGS I TOLD MY PARENTS TO GET MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE. IT WAS THE FUNNIEST BECAUSE FOR SOMEONE INCONVENIENTLY TRUTHFUL, THAT WAS SOME PRETTY HARDCORE LYING IN A RIDICULOUS SITUATION, AND THE WORST BECAUSE WHAT A HORRIBLE THING TO HAVE TO DO. IT WAS HORRIBLE BECAUSE I WAS SO CONVINCING BECAUSE I MIXED IT WITH THE TRUTH I COULD SINCERELY EXPRESS

describe your passion without mentioning it.HEY GUYS IM WRITING CHAPTER 1 AGAIN I THINK I FIGURED IT OUT THIS TIME

describe your best friend.WARM STRONG RESILIENT UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING KINDLY HONEST CREATIVE TALENTED BRAVE HARDWORKING BEAUTIFUL ORIGINAL NURTURING SELF CONFIDENT

give us one thing about you that no one knows.NO ONE KNOWS THE GRITTY DETAILS OF SOME SAD MOMENTS IN MY PAST. DID YOU KNOW I HATE THE SMELL OF HOSPITAL FOOD FROM WHEN I VISITED A FAMILY MEMBER IN A PSYCH WARD

how do you feel right now?GOOD, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO TO BED THOUGH

what is your biggest fear?BREAKING SELF HARM STREAK

what’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?SING A SONG EARTH WIND AND FIRE

what is the best decision you’ve made in your life so far?LEAVING MY PARENTS. ITS TAKEN ME AGES TO UNLEARN SO MUCH SELF-DEFEATING STUFF

have you ever tried your hardest and then been disappointed in the end?MOSTLY EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE BUT IM CHILL

something you fantasize about.ACTUALLY DANCING TO MUSIC I LIKE. I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO DANCE BUT I WANT TO SFM

last time you cried and whyTHAT PREACHER GUY IN LUCIFER. IT SUCKED BUT IM SO BLOWN AWAY BY LUCIFERS ANGRY YELLING AT THE SKY. WHAT A GIANT MOOD

what was the last thing that made you laugh?MY SISTER ASKING ME WHAT DILF MEANT

do you really, truly miss someone right now?NO. IF I MISS SOMEONE, ITS A SIGN THEY WERE A BAG OF DICKS TO ME AND MESSED UP MY INNER CLARITY

who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?YOU

the last time you felt broken?WHEN MY TWO FRIENDS AT THE TIME GANGED UP ON ME AND ABANDONED ME AT A NOT PRETTY TIME IN MY LIFE. I COULDNT EAT WHICH AND I STILL STRUGGLE WITH EATING, I NEVER USED TO

are you starting to realize anything?THAT IF I RELY ON MY LIFE EXPERIENCE, ILL EXPECT TO FAIL AND SABOTAGE MYSELF, AND INSTEAD I NEED TO TAKE RISKS AND PUT FAITH IN MY FUTURE.

are you more dominant or more submissive?THERES EVIDENCE FOR BOTH, BUT I THINK THE LATTER IS JUST FROM ABUSE AND GIRL RULES

i’ll only date you if _____. (fill in the blank)WASH YOUR HANDS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

do you prefer to date people the same age as you, younger, or older?AROUND MY AGE THERE IS SOME UNDERSTANDING

describe the person you’re in love with/have a crush on in great detail.IM NOT IN LOVE I DONT EVEN HAVE A CRUSH. I MAY HAVE A SQUISH

do you have any kinks?MAYBE SO

first thing you notice in a person?HOW THEY HANDLE STRESS AND PROBLEMS, IF THEY BLAME/GET ANGRY, OR IF THEY ARE COMPASSIONATE AND PATIENT. LOOKING FOR RED FLAGS

how can someone win your heart?FOOD. CHEESECAKE WAS A POWER MOVE. BONDING… OVER FOOD. I HAVE HAPPY MEMORIES ATTACHED TO BEVERAGES.

been rejected by a crush?YES

have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?YES

would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?NO

is trust a big issue for you?YES

did you hang out with the person you like recently?NO

is confidence cute?YES, SELF LOVE LOOKS GOOD ON PEOPLE

what would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?GOOD FOR THEM. I DONT LIKE ANYONE RIGHT NOW

would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?NO. GIGGLING LIKE A LUNATIC IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF MY LIFE AND YOU NEED TO KEEP UP

does the person you have feelings for right now know you do?IF THEYRE FEELINGS, PROBABLY, BECAUSE IM TRANSPARENT

ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?IVE HAD MY EMBARRASSMENT GLANDS REMOVED FOR MY FTM TRANSITION

do you want to get marriedYEAH WHEN IM FIFTY THEN ILL GET A BUNCH OF DOGS AND CATS AND CHICKENS

worst thing you’ve ever done?APPARENTLY IVE BORROWED BOOKS AND NEVER RETURNED THEM

three things that turn you on.IM GOING THRU PUBERTY 2, TEENAGE BOY EDITION, IT DOESNT TAKE MUCH

who do you hate?I DONT LIKE SUCH SIMPLE CATEGORIES, BUT I START TO FEEL HATRED WITH REPEATED CRUELTY/WHEN SOMEONE REFUSES TO HEAR ME

favorite term of endearment?MY FRIEND

who was your celebrity/fictional gay awakening?I DIDNT REALLY HAVE TVS/POP CULTURE GROWING UP LIKE MOST PEOPLE, PROBABLY FOUND IT IN CREATIVE WRITING

intimidating girls or kind girls?KIND

what do you look for in a possible partner?EQUALITY

do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls?YES

are you good at flirting?PERHAPS. WHEN IM NOT THINKING ABOUT IT

who was the first person you came out to?I DONT ACTUALLY REMEMBER. A HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND. IT WAS A STRESSFUL COMPLICATED TIME, MY WORLD WAS UPSIDE DOWN, IT WAS GRADUAL

do you have any friends who are wlw?PROBABLY

is your crush wlw?IDK

last person to make you reconsider your sexuality?A DOUCHE CANOE UNFORTUNATELY

write a short love poem to your crush/self?DEAR PERSON,THANK YOU FOR THE CHEESECAKEIT WAS SO GOODBUT ONLY BECAUSE IT WAS FROM YOU

do you fall in love easily?NO. I WISH I DID. I COULD USE THE HIGH TO GET STUFF DONE

is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?I HATE TALKING ABOUT THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL HUMILIATED AND ASHAMED, SO I JUST DONT. I ALSO HATE TALKING ABOUT SELF HARM BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW HOW. AM I GOING TO TRIGGER PEOPLE? AND IT IS SHROUDED IN SHAME AND FEAR.

are you good at hiding your feelings?YES, WHEN I CONSCIOUSLY MAKE AN EFFORT TO

are you a forgiving person?NO. I USED TO BE ALL ABOUT FORGIVENESS, AND GREW UP FORGIVING ABUSIVE CYCLES, IT WAS SO UNHEALTHY. NOW I FEEL LIKE A CROW HOLDING GRUDGES FOR CENTURIES, AND I DONT WANT TO BE BITTER EITHER – I OFTEN FEEL BAD FOR NOT FORGIVING, EVEN IF ITS JUST FORGIVENESS FOR MY OWN SAKE. BUT ITS A NEW DEVELOPMENT THAT IM ALLOWING MYSELF TO FEEL ANGRY, BE TRUTHFUL ABOUT BEING WRONGED, WANT JUSTICE FOR MYSELF. AND MAYBE SOME THINGS SHOULDNT BE FORGIVEN.

what is your “type?”I DONT KNOW. I RECENTLY STARTED GROWING SOME SELF WORTH, AND I DONT THINK THE PEOPLE IVE SOUGHT OUT TO RELIVE MY PAIN COUNTS

fall asleep in her arms or rub her back until she falls asleep in yours?LAST ONE

tall girls or short girls?BOTH IS GOOD

hugs or kisses?HUGS

twirl her around or get twirled?I WANNA TWIRL PEOPLE

tummy kisses or thigh kisses?BOTH

hairline kisses or neck kisses?NECK

play with her hair or stroke her tummy?PLAYING WITH HAIR

making out or soft kisses?MAKING OUT

hugs around the neck or hugs around the waist?WAIST

how confident are you in your sexuality?I THINK PEOPLE WOULD ASSUME IM NOT. IM SHY, AND MY NERDY CHRISTIAN VIBE ISNT GOING ANYWHERE. IM ALSO JUST BEGINNING TO LIVE AS MYSELF AND IM RELEARNING EVERYTHING. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO REALLY KNOWING MYSELF IM CONFIDENT

when you like someone do you blush or get butterflies in your stomach?NO. I WILL START CRANKING OUT ART AND FOCUS LESS THAN USUAL

have you ever liked a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them?YES

how old were you when you realized you were into girls?20ISH BUT THE SIGNS WERE THERE LONG BEFORE

most embarrassing thing you’ve done in front of a cute girl?I GOT MY EMBARRASSMENT GLANDS REMOVED REMEMBER

do you have a favorite lesbian ship? is it canon?I DONT KNOW MANY BUT IM HAPPY FOR THE CANON MARCELINE AND BUBBLEGUM

what is the most aggravating thing someone has said to you about your sexuality?MY SISTER PROJECTING ABOUT HER LIFE. WE HAVE CONSERVATIVE MISOGYNIST PARENTS BUT WE ARE VERY DIFFERENT PEOPLE AND IT DID NOT AFFECT US IN THE SAME WAY

when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter?I FEEL LIKE IM FORGETTING SOMETHING NICE A STRANGER SAID ONCE

what is love to you?NOT SOMETHING YOU DISPENSE AT YOUR CONVENIENCE. ITS A WAY OF LIVING – IF YOU LOVE YOURSELF, YOU LOVE OTHER PEOPLE, AND YOU LOVE THE WORLD AROUND YOU AND TAKE CARE OF IT. ITS NEITHER FAWNING NOR CONTROL – ITS ACCEPTANCE

ask me anything.YOU DIDNT ASK ME ANYTHING SO IM JUST GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. IVE BEEN EATING POPCORN CHICKEN WITH HONEY

[swampgallows]

i need help. i cant do anything. even in europe all i did was trail behind. i didnt book anything or research anything. i just followed along. everybody else planned everything and i just followed behind.

i dont know what will happen to me without coverage. i need to make calls but i dont know what will happen. i really need help and i really want to be able to do things without my parents. there is so much my parents dont know and that i dont feel safe telling them. there is so much i dont trust my parents with but they control everything. they dont even know i quit my job because i was going to kill myself. ir eally want to get help. and i really need to get help. and i feel like the only way i can truly do it is if im entirely removed from this environment for an extended period of time. i thought europe would be the thing to help me enough but during the last few days when i realized i was going to have to come back here i started panicking and getting sick. and since i got home my body has been rejecting even the most mild of foods (oatmeal, applesauce, eggs and toast) and i cant sleep for more than a few hours at a time, at random. and i cant focus on anything again, and i only managed to draw something for a little bit when my mom was at the hospital again. 

i hate that i cant do anything alone but i feel like when im by myself i’ll disappear. but even when im with people i fall out of existence and stop being a person. i cant be here. im struggling to be here any more as a person. 

i had canceled my wow subscription (i guess?) so it wouldnt charge me while i wasnt playing and i havent started it back up again yet. i opened hots but i didnt play it. i cant even play video games. 

i really need help. i really need to get somewhere where i can be away from this environment and get help or im just going to sit in my bed until i die. im dissociated more than im grounded  nowadays, even on the trip. if eel like unless im in a super safe and time-constrained situation (like a rave or at a restaurant?? or something) i cant be a human being. like i have to have a scripted event and i cant exist outside of it. i dont know what to do with myself unless im being perceived or something like that. 

i hate writing about this stuff on tumblr but it’s making me lose my mind if i dont get it out somehow. it’s just spinning in my head and all i can do is sit here. it’s 4 in the morning and i thought about cleaning my room to do something productive while not having to be a person, per se, but it’s 4am and it would be too loud. i thought about getting in my car and driving around a little while the streets are super empty but my mom is awake and sitting by the door.

im so fucking sick of my parents knowing about every single thing i do. i cant be a person independent of them if i cant do or say anything without them knowing. and even if i put up my middle finger and say like FUCK YOU IM DOING THIS like my sister does it doesnt matter, in the end they still control everything and they still KNOW. i still have to come back to their house to go to bed, and even if im gone for days they know im gone. my sister is looking into renting a place with her shitty chaotic boyfriend (even though she swore up and down that she would NEVER move in with him) just so she doesnt have to fucking live here. AND SHE’S 29 AND I’M 27 WE SHOULDNT HAVE TO STILL LIVE WITH OUR PARENTS BUT NO ONE IN MY GENERATION CAN AFFORD TO MOVE OUT WITHOUT LIVING WITH 9 STRANGERS FOR 800 A MONTH EACH, AND THOSE NUMBERS ARE NOT EXAGGERATED

it was such a relief when i was in europe to just not check in with them at all or have to tell them anything. not even ‘hey i’m here safe!’ fuck you. i barely even posted on facebook about it except for checking in to places on swarm, and not to tell them, but just to do it, because it’s what i’d do anyway. “thanks for the update” my sister wrote, like i was supposed to tell them sooner. it’s none of their fucking business. they are not part of the equation at all. i bought the plane ticket, i paid for my share of the hotel and hostel and apartment, AND i was planning to drive myself to nate’s house until my mother fucking berated me about it and dropped me off instead (they were using my car that week anyway). 

my sister is on a career path and so is my brother and im not. i havent tried learning coding again in a while. i really do not have anything to live for, im not in love with anybody and i have no dreams and i dont even want to get married really and i DEFINITELY do not want children, i still feel like a child, i feel too helpless and stupid to do anything, my art is WAY below the professional level and i couldnt even fulfill all the commissions i took, i barely even draw for myself. i dont do anythign for myself. i cant even take care of myself. im full of self-destructive impulses maybe because i feel like if it gets bad enough my parents will give a shit about me, or something, but they dont, or they cant, theyre incapable. i think about all the healing i have to do and all the trauma ive been through and how my mother takes even that away from me, using it to further her own self-flagellation about what a bad mother she is. even if i killed myself, my suicide would matter to her more as a means to further punish herself than as a loss of my life. and i know this because when i was hit by the car and didnt have the self-preservation to call for help or do anything, all she did was scream at me at the top of her lungs and then complain about what a bad mother she was that she apparently never taught us to call our parents.

i had to throw up when we were driving back to lax to drop cookies off and i thought i could make it. i puked all over myself, bad, in nate’s car, and he said, “you need to just tell me if you have to and i’ll pull over.” and i legitimately didnt even think of that. i am so accustomed to just suffering in silence and then getting punished afterward that i didnt do a solid for myself or for my friends by just giving a heads up about what was happening to me. i just let it happen and dealt with the consequences. and that thought really unnerved me. why didnt i say something? did i really think he would get mad at me for asking, for having the audacity to get sick? was i embarrassed??? well i was sure as fuck embarrassed for puking all over myself like a fucking infant, so why didnt i just say something? like who the fuck does that? i just sat there fighting it, thinking it would go away, instead of saying like “dude, can we pull over? i think im gonna throw up.” maybe i didnt want to be an inconvenience, or ruin the good time, or be needy, or draw attention to myself, or possibly make cookies late for her plane (she had more than enough time and it wouldnt have been a problem at all. pulling over for a minute wouldnt have mattered. we werent even on the freeway.) so why didn’t i even think to say something?

i was never like this. i was never somebody who didnt stand up for myself.

or was i? i dont know. i have avenged people in the past, speaking up for them when they didnt have anyone on their side, so why cant i speak up for myself? i didnt say anything when i was being molested, or raped, but i was just a child. but ive been ground down more and more to be more subservient, quieter, helpless, and the few times i try to defend myself or make a stand or speak up i end up saying a very wrong thing or being extremely rude or just embarrassing myself by saying something foolish. or i come off as aggressive. 

aggression.

i have nothing so i have nothing to ground me and nothing with which to assert myself. as time goes on i feel weaker and weaker, more and more feeble and like i need permission to be alive. i cant be open with my family about nearly any of my beliefs or interests, hence why i am so fervent and adamant them in spaces that i can be (like, here, for instance, blogging until i am blue in the face about warcraft and dumb rave shit). in person i feel foolish among other wow fans, who play the game better than i do and know more about the lore than i do, and i am made to feel like an imposter (FUCK YOU spellcheck i prefer the -er) or an idiot or a “fake fan” or like “wow you dedicate so much of your life to this and you still dont know a fucking thing, what a loser, what a moron”. and i feel that way about rave shit too. hanging around other DJs and shit who know so much more about their specific areas, things im not necessarily against knowing but havent really done the research on my own, i feel like i’m nothing, too.

i dont have any worthwhile qualities and especially nothing that i’m capable of doing to a lucrative or productive degree. i have a worthless art degree, speaking of which, after 5 interminable soul-crushing years at a university that ground me in its teeth and made me feel like i belonged as a smear on the pavement. and then i almost was that after being hit by a car during what was supposed to be my final semester. 

im just really not supposed to be here and i have nothing to offer. and i know nobody is “supposed” to be here but i dont even have the means to act like it or to make myself useful. i cant even be useful to myself. i cant even do the things i have an inkling of wanting to do. i just start hitting myself or crying even when i try to do the things that will make me happy. the amount of times ive been at my tables mixing away and then beating the shit out of myself at the slightest mistake and having to sit in the bath for an hour to calm down are innumerable. drawing isn’t as violent, unless im interrupted, in which case it becomes a heavy weight, like an anvil on my forehead, screaming about all the time i was wasting, and how i spent x hours on this and it still looks like shit or it’s completely pointless or “oh orcs again how fucking original you fucking cuntrag of course your favorite is the inexcusably evil and violent genocidal piece of shit character you constantly try to “fix” in your head and make excuses for because youre a broken worthless idiot addicted to abuse since being used is the only function you have in this world”

im kind of glad r/incel was banned because i was developing kind of a hate-read addiction to seeing screenshots on here. i never went to the reddit itself but being raised on that kind of mentality brought back a lot of feelings, and i was trying to train myself to just laugh at those posts, but so many people like that have ruined me in the past that i ended up feeling like i had a duty to “hear” them out. i was practically raised by men who would now be classified as “incels” and that rhetoric comprised a bulk of my understanding about sexuality, especially when my introduction to the entire concept of sex was through entitlement via rape. i thought letting myself be abused was some act of altruism, and that men wanting to possess me was something admirable and validating, especially since i was so ugly, that they in turn were being charitable by allowing themselves to be associated with me, that the least i could do was let them get some kind of pleasure out of it. 

sure i didnt know any better as a child but im still fighting these feelings as an adult. i cant even navigate my own feelings about men. the pirate wants to go to bar sinister again on saturday (with smee, luckily) but i still cant feel out if it’s a date or not, and i still cant decide whether or not i’m comfortable with it being a date, since i dont know what attraction is, i dont want to hurt the guy’s feelings, and i’d like to stay friends, and i dont want to make him mad, and i dont want to lead him on either, and i DONT KNOW WHY i am basically arguing with myself as to whether or not i should ‘let this happen’, that i should just allow something to happen to me, again, because i “pursued” this man enough to let him know i wanted to get to know him better and hang with him outside of just seeing him on the bus, but i do not believe i have ever consciously pursued someone romantically IN MY LIFE (and if i did i was the last to know i was doing it). i have never had the thought “I want to date this person” because i dont fucking know what dating is, i dont know what anything is, i dont fucking know anything, i am not someone who would intentionally make a “First Move” on someone in the way of “wow i want to kiss this person so i had better get to know them better” like they do in the movies.

ultimately i guess i cannot ever imagine someone respecting me and being reciprocal with me. cannot ever imagine someone wanting to be around me for me and not because of some ulterior motive, like that theyre in love with me because of some shit emotional labor they squeezed out of me or some naive infatuation theyve conjured up in their heads about how we’re going to be married someday even if i explicitly reject them outright on several separate occasions, or how they’re so emotionally stunted that me being a cordial human being and sharing a trace of interest with them (wow youre a girl, AND you play video games? AND you have hooves?) translates into a crush because they have zero boundaries or understanding of women. 

cause like, im a fucking disaster area. i dont even want to be around me. i cannot even look at myself in the mirror, my insecurity is volatile, i’m incredibly unstable and i have no self-preservation or means of independence. if you want to be dragged down in every facet possible, look no further: i am a living embodiment of trench foot. so because i deem myself having no value i dont see why anyone else could. which is why im comfortable with traces of platonic shit and why social media is perfect. it’s meaningful enough interaction to let me know that i, individually, have value, but superficial and ephemeral enough to know it’s not because anyone has any weird fucking obsession with or bias toward me. my art appears on their dash in a flash and if they like it, they like it, and that’s it. they dont gotta say shit, and it’s an entirely objective Unit of Value not based on any expected performance from me or my identity as a human being. Just, deemed worthy, and if they add their own addendum or something it’s because they’re contributing to something larger, not directly feeding into my ego/personhood. 

and in turn, on my blog i can provide whatever sort of content i want without expectation and at the end of the day even if it goes unnoticed, im not doing it for any means to an end so ultimately its impact is irrelevant. like, thank fucking god. my blog doesnt provide a service to people where they expect some kind of Product, and they can opt out at any time. as long as im not going around hurting people (and obviously i would never want to do that) my blog doesnt matter, and i dont have to matter. 

“you matter”. fuck off. maybe i dont want to matter. maybe im better off just being a transient, tied to nothing and no one to keep from burdening anybody or burdening myself by feeling like i have to be fucking “useful” all the time. 

for how truly invisible i feel all the time, it’s ironic how much i wish i could be.