#and its unbearable i cant live to see those things its already too much | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mousehole5000 · 4 years ago

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tgcf again chapters 174-191. im now midway through book 4. pain and suffering. and yet also.... this is really good.... but also.... pain...

okay cave of ten thousand gods everythings coming out into the light.... xie lian pretending not to hear fengqing drop their act im emotional..... fengqing silently working together to separate xie lian and hua cheng im emotional..... every word that comes out of mu qing’s mouth im emotional....

honestly reading the xianle trio discussing hua cheng.. its very hard for me NOT to project all the times ive been in a friendship trio and someone got a boyfriend the other two didnt like (which was every time. theres never been a bf everyone liked. sometimes i was the one who had the bf. there were no winners then and tbh i predict there will be no real winners here as far as this friendship goes but such is life)

mu qing is so smart he’s clever he’s tricksy i love it i love him ugh

“A pair of arms had circled around him from behind, and hugged him with force all of a sudden. Xie Lian had buried his face in his back, and also didn’t speak. Though nothing was said, it was enough.” okay i cant get into every different way im feeling about whats going down bc it would get Too Personal but this..... im emo. also xie lian saying “something like this has to be said clearly“ and then proceeding to not say a word just going in for a hug is a mood

“He heard Hua Cheng’s staggering voice coming from above. “...Your Highness. You really…will be the death of me.” - ok well DONT SAY THAT!! now im worried!!!

“Hua Cheng, however, only snorted, appearing as if his eyes could see through the thick rocky walls. He said darkly, “Don’t worry. If he kills one, I’ll make ten more. Fast and furious like the storms, I will never back down. Let’s see who’s the one left standing in the end.” Xie Lian’s heart skipped a beat for some reason, and he mumbled inwardly, “... Oh no, this is bad.” Even though Hua Cheng’s expression was subconsciously displayed, Xie Lian really was quite weak to this aggressive and rebellious confidence of his.” - fjadskfajsl its okay xie lian honey you never know whats going to do it for you

okay so are the murals and statues are only from the xianle era? im hoping hua cheng didnt secretly follow xie lian during his time as a mortal during the entire 800 years and then pretend to a total stranger that would be too much imo lets see. i still really do get why feng xin and mu qing are like “...dude wtf lets get out of here stay away from that guy” (also tbh probably if theyd all managed to stay close... this probably wouldnt be happening which isnt a judgement im just saying bc thats definitely how ive felt about friendships) although this whole thing IS indeed tinged with homophobia which i still dont think makes sense in this setting but whatever i guess.

BOOK 4!!!! im scared

“A few days ago he nearly fainted, and it was only after that did he realize it was because he hadn’t had anything to eat for several days.” - unfortunately relatable but :(

“Ever since Xie Lian was young, he had never had to consider these kinds of affairs, and this was truly the first time in decades that this problem gripped him. However, if gods didn’t even know what starvation felt like, how could they possibly understand the feelings of a starving worshipper? How could they possibly empathize? At this point, he could only take this experience as a form of training.” - TRUE THO!!!!!!!! i like seeing this even tho the circumstances are sad

wait does xie lian get his bad cooking skills from him mom? im gonna cry...

“After returning to the city, Mu Qing’s stomach was still turning. He said as he stumbled, “I thought…that porridge, it smelled like bran water, but I hadn’t thought it’d taste like it too!” Feng Xin gritted his teeth. “Shut up! Don’t force people to remember that pot of stuff! The queen is…body of ten thousand gold after all…never cooked…this is already…UGH!…” Mu Qing humphed. “Did I say something wrong? If you didn’t think it was like bran water, why don’t you…go ask the queen to grant you another bowl! UGH!…” The two were heaving back and forth, and Xie Lian grabbed hold of the both of them, patting their backs.” - xianle trio.... including simply because it made me do the pleading emoji in real life..... also the way the queen wanted to feed all of them... weeping

i didnt realize that mu qing would still be around during this time.... god the fact that i know theyre all going to split......

“It’s precisely because it’s a time like this that money has to be brought up!” Mu Qing countered. “A time like this? What time is it? Time when we’re starving! It doesn’t matter if you don’t want to admit it, but nothing can be done without money! Can you both not just suck it up a little bit?” - mu qing i love you. god.... for real the fact that he comes from a completely different background than the other two is so important to his character and i think it shows so much in the way he continues to be in the present. he gives me the vibe of someone who is smart and hardworking but is bitter about it and tbh!!!! i get why he is!!! he’s very aware of these kinds of concerns bc he’s had to be, while the other two kind of think theyre above it and its a big difference between them. he’s still separated by the circumstances of his birth despite how much harder he’s worked to get to where he is.... ugh painful and delicious

i really am enjoying the xianle story tbh. xie lian going from his highness, favored by heaven, well-intentioned but lacking in experience and understanding to living in poverty and fighting with mortals who disrespect him. fucking delicious i mean this sincerely and respectfully im sad but i really like his character arc. and then to how he is in the present....

“Mu Qing looked at him, speaking not a word. Then he bowed deeply and really turned around to walk away.” - OH NO ITS HAPPENING AHHHHH ;_; honestly all of this hurts but it feels real like i think mu qing has every right to want to leave honestly and he DOES have other family and other ambitions outside of the trio... and i get why feng xin is mad about him wanting to leave when theyre suffering!! and i get why xie lian lets him go.... friendships are hard man and the pain of them splitting is rough!!!!

“Mu Qing’s departure had really shocked him to the core. First, he had never thought that someone so close would just up and leave. Second, Xie Lian had always believed in “forever”. For example, friends would always be friends forever; no betrayal, no deception, no breaking up. Perhaps there’d be times when they’d part, but it for sure wouldn’t be over reasons like “life is too horrible” - pain. just pain. same as above i get it but it hurts

“Xie Lian didn’t know too well just how much money would be considered normal when buying over ten lanterns, and he never looked at the price tag when he purchased things in the past.” - i feel bad kicking him while he’s down and he’s still trying to be kind even when it costs him but this is the first thing that came into my mind

but also oh?? spirits of soldiers from the battlefield you say?? hmmm i wonder... who.... could possibly be among them....

“If you remain forcibly, you won’t be able to rest in peace,” Xie Lian said. The nameless ghost didn’t seem to care. “I pray to never rest in peace.” - i cant lie this legit gave me goosebumps lol

“Xie Lian himself was alright in suffering through it, since there were far too many other things to worry about. But his mother, who had lived a comfortable, luxurious life, when had she ever done such crude labour? But if the queen didn’t do this work herself, who else could take over?” - hmmmm!!! housekeeping!!!! it matters!!!! rich people dont appreciate how much until they have to do it themselves!!! but this still makes me sad

oh god THATS when they pawned hongjing?? with the king sick and mu qing leaving?? :(((( even more emotional about its appearances in the present day

“That passerby chuckled. “You don’t know? This is too exciting! The servant is beating the master!” - oh god the dramatic and ironic timing of it all

god..... this is just... a sad time....

“MU QING ISN’T LIKE YOU ALL. HE’S MY FRIEND, HE WOULD NEVER HELP YOU!!!” [cut to] “Those were the only words echoing in Xie Lian’s mind, but he couldn’t utter a single sound, and could only crazily grab at anything at his disposal to throw. He didn’t care who he was hurling at, either. Finally, Mu Qing couldn’t take this anymore, and he steeled his face as he swept his sleeves and left. Xie Lian panted harshly for a bit and fell back down, spacing out again.”- IM SAD!!!!!! tbh i wonder if on some level xie lian kind of felt like mu qing owed him? i know he said to forget about that stuff to both of them but its one thinig to say it and think you mean it and another to have to deal with it

white no-face what is your DEAL!! also all the little fire ghost bits im...

“After having exchanged so many words, Feng Xin finally got the gist of what had transpired. He widened his eyes and pointed at Mu Qing, unable to speak. A moment later, he bent down and grabbed a sack and flung it over, roaring. “SCRAM! SCRAM SCRAM SCRAM!” Mu Qing was hit in the face by the sacks of rice he brought and backed two steps away. All three of them in the house were panting harshly.” - this is it this is the part where i closed my laptop and said “noOOooOOOoooo” out loud to my room im so upset... and mu qing still tried to leave the rice even after the broom thing im ;_;

“Feng Xin was completely convinced that he would never do such a thing, but that was precisely why this had become the worst-case scenario!” - pain, suffering, dismay, etc

“Feng Xin continued, “If Your Highness thinks your life might be in danger, I can finish this for you, I won’t tell Her Majesty, haha.” - bless your heart for trying feng xin

“But it shouldn’t be like this. The Feng Xin of the past would have absolute faith in him no matter what! Even if there was only twenty percent doubt, it was still unbearable!” - AHHHHHHH okay idk if i really have much to say about their relationship other than im sad but IM SAD!!!!

the differences between feng xin and mu qing’s relationship with xie lian are so interesting. feng xin has clearly always idolized xie lian a lot while mu qing hasnt at least not in the same way and he seems like he has some resentment towards xie lian (thats how i read it anyway thats what i said about it at the beginning of book 2 and i think its understandable and can be a very real part of friendships) that feng xin doesnt and i just think thats neat!!

“He was firmly tied down upon the altar, that broken base of the statue under his body. There were many people squeezed below the altar, and pair after pair of round, unblinking eyes were watching him.” - hmmm dont think i like where this is going

“Yet, before he could finish, he realized that the white silk that he used to cover his face had been undone. In this moment, the thing that had him completely tied down was that exact white silk.” oh my god wait is this ruoye?? is ruoye that same ribbon???? ill cry

“The hand stained with blood, the one that ended a life, was immune to the Face Disease.” - ohhh shit okay. okay okay. okay. shit okay. i See now.... so if youre an innocent civilian the only way to escape this fate (and the faces are actually the souls of other innocent civilians) is to get rid of your innocence... and doesnt this disease not actually hurt its just horrific? god.............

“White No-Face pitied, “You think they don’t want to do it? Wrong, it’s not that they don’t want to, it’s solely because no one wants to be the first, that’s all.” - shut up!!! youre the one who created this situation dont fucking preach about the way you think the world is

“He forced down the mouthful of blood and hissed, “What are you laughing at? You think that you got what you wanted? This was all forced by you!” The ghost fire within the ghost’s hand flickered even more fiercely.” - yes exactly!!! you put people in extreme circumstances sometimes they do extreme things!! youve proved nothing!! god i do love when characters say exactly what im thinking. plus the first ones who caved were trying to save their child

“He felt that, if he was to let them do what they wanted, there was something in his heart that would never return to its original state.” - :( also i kind of feel that in my life sometimes and i just hope xie lian’s heart ends up in a state he’s happy with

“He didn’t dare to look at what had become of the person lying on the altar, because what laid there didn’t look human anymore.” AHHHHHH!!! :(((( i mean i get why this event is what made hc... level up??? thats not a good way to describe it fjasldkfjaslk but you know what i mean... that line about being powerless to help your beloved OOOOOOF

okay well finished that chapter im. pain. hmmm. pain. i dont know if i actually have any words rn lol but im gonna stop here for now

#half of my commentary is just me going wow im sad!! this is sad!! pain!! wow sad!!!#anyway i love xianle trio with my whole heart they really do feel so real #mouse mumbles #tgcf liveblog #hc also feels real but in a way i might not ever talk about lol we'll see

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auricbound · 4 years ago

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let it be known that goldie is not okay by any stretch of the imagination.

as shown in the ask post, he has some serious mental health issues. his most pressing? his suicidal tendencies and thoughts. this covers how those came to be, and how they’ve affected him throughout his life.

to say that he’d always dealt with it is inaccurate, but it certainly has been persistent for a good portion of his life, even before the attempt at transmutation.

at first, it was only the thoughts. they were minor, of course. after his mom died and he and al were truly left orphaned, ed had wondered if it was because he existed that their dad left. hohenheim was crying in that one photo they had together, after all. it always stuck at the back of his mind, and thus began the fantasizing in order to somehow justify what had happened to him and his brother.

he grew a mild fascination with death. constantly envisioning what it would’ve been like if he’d never been born- or died before he could damage his parents relationship somehow- and how al would’ve lived afterwards.

how al would’ve felt having a normal family to take care of him for his whole childhood, instead of it being completely taken away when he was only four.

part of it stemmed from an inherent longing to see his mother again in some fashion, twisted into childlike fantasies where he’s the one to die first and watches on from whatever kind of heaven he’d go to, reunited when the rest of his family passed on. peacefully.

he didn’t want to deal with grief anymore, but he couldn’t deny his true reality. their mother was gone, their shithead father was nowhere to be seen, and the house was unbearably lonely. things began to get overwhelming. he’d begun to grow slightly delirious in his study of alchemy.

most of it is masked as enthusiasm. it becomes a subconscious habit to talk about alchemy with a fake sense of determination, in order to fool the people around him into believing he wasn’t losing his mind understanding the greater world of science ahead of him, with every single word he’d read swirling around in his brain as he attached it all to the fading face of his father.

yock island, though instilling a certain lesson, does intense damage to his psyche. it was the first time he’d started to grow uncomfortable with his own fascinations. at this point, it wasn’t his own life at stake- it was al’s, too. he’d already started losing it by studying things for days on end, but nearly starving to death with his brother really put things into perspective.

he learned the meaning of all is one and one is all, but the cost could not be justifiable. not when a pool of fear stirred in his gut constantly, him finally aware of the true nature behind all his “harmless” fantasies.

he tried to shut them out. to ignore them. and then izumi had to go and warn them to never commit the taboo of human transmutation.

something broke in ed the day he even suggested that they try to find a way to crack human transmutation. so much had grown. he’d barely been able to get up that morning. even still, he acted like everything was normal. like he wasn’t struggling to even stand, being crushed under the weight of his spiraling, pent up emotions and thoughts.

he just talks with al, and something in him just... breaks. completely. he can’t bear the weight of it all anymore, and he finally talks, from the darkest recesses of his soul.

“i think we could bring mom back.”

he wishes al could’ve known better. he regrets ever saying those words, ever pushing his brother to help him with it all, ever placing his hands on that transmutation circle.

for a brief moment, he feels like he dies. it’s almost satisfying, to him. and then he wakes up in the fucking gate, truth taking his leg as payment. and then- the fucking thing they brought to life, for the cost of al’s whole body and his leg. it spits blood, reaches out at him, and he has to literally resist the urge to retch and let himself bleed out.

he only continues for al. to get al back. al didn’t deserve this. he was only ten, damnit.

it gets worse. he screams during his automail surgery, ranting about anything he can think of, trying to keep himself breathing. trying to push through it all for alphonse. everything is boiling over, and he can’t handle it.

he slowly begins to develop anger as a protective shield. it’s the only way he’s able to shut everything in his head up. the only time it begins to boil over to a point he can’t control is when he can’t bring himself to be angry.

ed still cared for other people, no matter how much he tried to ignore it. he still does good things out of his own natural moral code. unfortunately, though, being that nice? it actively hurt him, because it lets the chaos spiraling in his stomach return. he’d barely be able to get up the next day without a solid thirty minutes of extra “sleep.”

his naps become ways for him to cope with the hellish cacophony. it’s just so much easier to yell and not acknowledge the fact that people want to help him, no matter how much he may need it.

when nina happens, the nightmare that follows- although not the first of its kind- is one of the only ones to render him inconsolable upon waking. he can’t just go back to sleep, but he can’t talk, either. he has to sit through it, with his heightened breath, the heavy feeling in his chest practically choking him the entire time.

he shuts people out. he shuts his own brother out. the normal facade serves its purpose well.

when scar almost kills him, he is pained to say that the conflict in his head is wildly disproportionate.

living for al’s sake is outclassed by the want to die.

it’s the first example of his thoughts breaking out from their prison. he was ready to accept death, above all else. and then al punches him for being stupid. with everything having already snapped, he can only respond as if he were a deer in headlights, unable to truly comprehend the situation.

things just get worse. and worse. and worse. he can’t cope with it all. his anger keeps exploding, trying to protect him from himself. to keep him from going through with some of those thoughts and just sacrificing himself to get his own brother’s body back, as if the world would be better off without him.

to an extent, he was convinced it would. he never acted upon it consciously, however.

ed would never make a direct attempt. he’d do stupidly self-sacrificial things sometimes, yes, but he’d never try to kill himself outright. he wouldn’t want al to see- al had already had enough death in his life, and ed didn’t want to burden him with both his own death and the fact he was his own murderer at once.

this doesn’t stop the fantasies from getting worse. though. nor does it stop him from looking at himself in the mirror, hallucinating both the feel and sight of choking himself. (not like that would be the only way, though, of course. he’d imagined so many, over and over, and they played in his head constantly.)

he thinks about it so, so much. al is the only thing to keep him grounded. his little brother is the only being that grounds him.

it doesn’t stop him from doing things to harm himself, though. when he’s alone, he finds himself knocking against the side of his own head hard or pulling on his hair to intentionally cause pain. his head becomes sensitive, but only because hes desperate to do anything to drown everything out.

one could even find scratch marks along his arm from when he gripped onto it too hard during one of his fits, paired with the tips of his automail having a sharper edge. he hates letting people see those, but at least they’re faint. he can play them off as simple wounds from getting into a fight. the bruises are a different story, but its not as if he cant make something else up to explain them.

he panics when people see through his facade, and retaliates with even worse anger. he goes on the attack like a caged animal because deep down, he WANTS help. it’s just hard for him to even receive it before he’s been completely, utterly broken for that day.

being separated from al is debilitating.

even though he knows that alphonse can handle himself, it still does not change the fact that he’s become unhealthily dependent on him. al is his entire reason for living, and being far from that tether eats away at what composure he has left.

when he’s impaled, he wasn’t even sure if what he was going to do would even work. to envision himself as a philosopher’s stone? he’d never had that sort of a handle on his own soul before.

as he’d seen with envy, though, the yelling of everything inside him, screaming to be let out perfectly matched the stones of the homunculi. ed saved his own life, only letting himself live for alphonse, wherever he may have gone.

the months of being separated are fucking torture.

or, at least, they are, for only a while. by the time he was in alenthaal, ed had grown ... unnaturally hopeless. even though he looked fine, almost everyone in town saw through his mask.

luitumi is the one to break him first.

“edward?” “yeah, whats up, luitumi?” “you don’t need to pretend anymore.”

he’s completely dumbfounded. she attacks him right at his core. naturally, he puts up his shield, trying to force her out. to get her away from his problems. and then she fucking takes his normal hand, squeezes it, and looks at him with those unwavering glass eyes, and he breaks.

it’s all let out at once. every thought swirling around manifests as panicked crying, yelling, whining- really, anything he can verbalize. he says “you don’t know anything,” and she shuts him up completely by saying “i wouldn’t be talking to you if i didn’t, edward.”

she doesn’t destroy his shield. she takes the other route of forcing him to put it down.

ed still doesn’t remember a lot from that day, other than the feeling of being hugged by multiple people at once. the entirety of team lazarus.

emotionally drained, he can barely get up the next day, too. but instead of suffering through it by himself, he can feel a hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him through it.

he’d fallen asleep inside the living room, and lucaun and carson were waiting for him the next morning. luitumi was making food with yularosá, and cobalt was talking with heinkel and darius and greed.

it’s ... sickeningly domestic.

and yet, it wasn’t something he’d experienced since mom died. he hadn’t felt this familial safety since then, not even at the rockbell house. luitumi had broken down his walls in a single night, most likely fueled by whatever emotions charity had been able to pick up on, and now the rest of the people who could be considered “friends” in this fucking town are doing what they can to help.

talking with any of them about his feelings becomes mandatory. they don’t give him a choice, and for some reason, he can’t bring himself to fight it. the better part of him knows that he needs it.

at first, its twice a day. usually luitumi and lucaun handle it. cobalt and carson deal with his constantly presenting daddy issues, though. carson knew the feeling of growing up with a dad who didn’t love him (and, initially, no dad at all), and cobalt knew the feeling of fucking hating his own father.

his need for a parental figure slowly dies down. cobalt will never be a father to him, just like mustang, but he’s okay with that. cobalt doesn’t have any legal standing over him unlike the colonel, and he’s a lot more fucking comfortable with that.

cobalt doesnt have to pretend like he’s a father in any capacity for ed. what he does is out of his own heart, not because he sees ed as a ward.

at least, that’s what ed believes. and he likes it like that. people not pretending to be things they aren’t helps him shut away that one need.

it moves to once a day. he trails them a lot. his attachment issues come into presence, but they keep reminding him that its okay to need someone. slowly but surely, he’s able to deal with being left alone, though not for very long.

it moves to every other day. his thoughts are a lot less loud than he remembers them being.

it moves to only twice a week. the first time ed doesn’t artificially smile is for their christmas and new years celebrations, when luitumi drags him into the dancing circle with her. the whole thing reminds him of some of the celebrations they used to have in resembool in the summer. he says he’s not a good dancer, but luitumi doesn’t care. he lets her take the lead for the start, and just like everything else in his life, he learns fast.

he finally begins smiling, completely free of his thoughts for once. he actually has fun that isn’t tethered to everything he’s been building up for over these many years.

alenthaal becomes his safe place. “whats said in alenthaal, stays in alenthaal.” he genuinely believes it to be true.

when the promised day draws closer and closer, he promises to come back. it’s not just al he’s living for, anymore. he’s living for this town, too, full of people who make him feel safe.

when al sacrifices himself to bring his arm back, it sets ed back what feels like years. his anger returns, completely unstoppable, and his one focus is to kill father. and then greed dies.

it just gets worse. even with the bastard gone, his progress is still set back significantly.

he yells at hohenheim. calls him a rotten father. he didnt want to deal with any of that self sacrificial garbage, not because that was the man who left them, but because thats exactly what ed does.

he thinks. thinks so, so hard. finally, he draws out the circle, everything finally becoming clear.

he sacrifices his own alchemy. ed doesn’t need it anymore, not when it’s caused him and his brother so much pain.

he has the town of alenthaal. he has his friends. he has his family.

who needs alchemy, when he’s got them?

and he beats truth, in his own special way. al is brought back. even though they spend months in rehabilitation, ed’s head is so much clearer than its ever been.

he returns home resembool. everything was worth it.

when he visits alenthaal once again, luitumi’s changed. she’s permanently merged with charity as a result of the promised day. they become two extremes- a complete lack of any alchemy at all, and a newfound power that still has so much unknown alchemy to tap into. even still, they share that hug, ed having kept his promise to not die.

he does his best to be more open. alenthaal is his safe haven, but having more than one isn’t impossible.

in the time before he goes off to the west, he tries to open up, bit by bit. its hard. the thoughts aren’t gone, and he knows they never will be. he’ll still have times where he’s rendered useless by them all, but this time, winry and al are there to help.

his emotions are genuine. his smiles are genuine. he doesn’t have to fake anymore.

when decides to study alchemy in the west, he knows every possible risk. he continues, despite the danger, because this would be his way of coming to terms with what happened to hohenheim. he ties alchemy to him, and even in death, that doesn’t change.

his father is gone. his father was one of the greatest alchemists the world had seen.

so ed will just overcome him, even without being able to perform alchemy anymore. he’ll prove that he’s more than just his kid. he’ll make his dad proud, as much as he hates calling him by that name.

luitumi joins him on his journey. they ground eachother. neither will have to deal with their pain alone, not this time. ed knows suffering through it isn’t an option for him anymore.

the thoughts will return, once in a while.

ed no longer shuts them out at this point. he lets them be, allowing them to stir until the mental soup is done. until his head finally becomes clear.

#tw suicidal thoughts #cw suicidal thoughts #tw suicide mention #cw suicide mention #tw self harm #cw self harm #goldie is seriously fucked this is a general warning #post promised day hes a lot better but before it? he still needs consistent help. things still constantly overwhelm him.#even though he gets a lot better at dealing with it in alenthaal it still very much is all there.#this is also a uhhh super fucking long post HGDJHS #{|❂|} THE GOLDEN CHILD | edward.#{|❂|} HE WHO TRAVELS THE STARS | info.

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maknaesdancersrappers · 5 years ago

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july 21

hello. july 21 is a special day for me and you dont have to read this because its just me venting out my thoughts and emotions as long as i can without word/character limits on any platform.

july 21 is my maternal grandmother’s birthday. when i was born, my mom went abroad often and my dad had the regular 9 to 5 job plus extra hours for commute. so growing up with my sisters who are 5 and 7 years older, our grandparents and aunts took care of us.

im also more fond of my maternal grandmother since my paternal grandmother lived far away and we rarely ever get to see her (usually only during summers and once she stayed with us for awhile) until she passed away from Alzheimer's.

during the long hiatus i took early this year (late december to mid-march?), a lot has happened in my life. my health was put at risk because of the ash fall brought by the volcano eruption (january 12); i had allergies for weeks - i couldnt breathe properly, let alone sleep because of it. it was about to be the second year after graduating college and i have yet to get a job; the pressure from my family - and myself - was so unbearable that i caught myself slipping back to my very, very, very dark thoughts. and the worst thing that happened in those three months: my grandmother passed away. in filipino, grandmother is lola (loh-lah) and i’d like to use that for the rest of this post.

if you ask anyone in their neighborhood, any of our family friends, and relatives, everyone will tell you that her death was sudden. because everyone knows her as the sometimes-funny-sometimes-cranky old lady that owns the convenience store at the corner of the street. she was 96. she was 96 but she refused to get a wheelchair or use a walking stick even though her knees started to hurt after a few steps. she was 96 but didn’t need glasses to read most of the time. she was 96 but didn’t have any maintenance medication. ever since she reached her 90′s, she had gone to the town clinic at least twice because she fell over (from loss of balance) and busted her head. yet she would walk the next day like she doesnt have stitches on her scalp. she hated going to the doctor, she’d always claim that nothing hurts and the only thing she wanted the doctor to fix was her hearing (its as weak as how her eyesight is clear)

i wasnt the only one in the family that got severely affected by the ash fall. my lola also had trouble breathing because of it. she also went to the doctor for it and they only prescribed her antibiotics. please remember this info. this should be around early february

she got a little better but her voice was very hoarse from the phlegm. even before this, lola had little to no appetite and would only eat when someone else is eating (usually if it’s us, her granddaughters). and by little to no appetite, i mean her whole meal would be three spoonfuls of rice and one piece/chunk of whatever the main dish/ulam is. whenever we ask if she had eaten (even though we know she hadnt) she’d always claim that she already has (this eventually became a little joke in our family.) we took this sign as her dementia getting worse (although she was never really diagnosed with it, we had naturally assumed it because she would always repeatedly tell us stories that she insists happened even though some have been debunked and there were times she forgets our names if we havent visited in a while.)

after she gets better from the cough (idk the real diagnosis of it), her legs started to swell and because her routine had been reduced to being bedridden for most of the day, my aunts thought it was just poor circulation. it took two weeks before they brought her back to the town clinic and again, they just prescribed her with some medicine. everything after this is blurry to me until feb 21

my mom, being the eldest, made the decision to bring lola to the hospital. she’s, rightfully, unsatisfied with the town doctor’s diagnosis and prescriptions because lola is in so much pain and her legs were still swollen and its been weeks. i was with her in the emergency room while my mom and aunt did the paper work and the staff ran tests on lola. i’m contacting my sister who was in singapore and we’d video call to entertain lola since she was very adamant - and vocal - that she did not want to be admitted to the hospital bc she was “fine.” goSh she made so many hospital staff laugh because she would always announce whenever she had to fart. after like 2 hours, we move her into a ward and my mom tells me that i’ll have to stay overnight to watch over her. i was very apprehensive of this idea. i honestly did not want to. seeing her in pain was bad enough, but the fact we were in a room with other people and she was crying out loud made me really anxious but it was final. my mom, aunt, and uncle all went back home just to have dinner and they’ll come back since lola’s doctor would be coming by to give the results and for that hour they were gone? i lost it.

lola started talking/praying out loud, asking god why she was in so much pain, asking what she had done to deserve this; and i didn’t know what to do but hold her hand and kiss her head. i couldn’t even show her i was crying. when my mom got back, i told her i cant do it and she eventually convinced my other sister to join me, who cancelled her plans for the next day. that night, i did not and could not fall asleep. after a few hours, her doctor finally came by and dropped a bomb on us. he was kind enough to talk to my mom and aunt behind the curtains in the softest voice ever while i helped the nurse with lola, but i could hear him crystal clear.

cancer of the liver.

they even momentarily walked back to lola to touch her stomach and stepped back out. i almost thought i misheard, but my mom and aunt’s expressions were too grim that it basically confirmed it. later on, my mom finally told me and explained that the antibiotics she had been taking weeks ago were too strong for her because of her lifestyle and diet. there were tumors in her liver and surgery wouldn’t do anything. i dont remember what i did aside from sketching on the journal i brought, but until i got home at 10am the next day, i did not sleep a wink.

feb 22. when i woke up at 2PM, i was told that they had lola discharged from the hospital. there was nothing we could do but try to ease the pain to the best of our abilities and wait. starting that day, i went over to lola’s house to help out with feeding her, giving her medicine, and just trying to keep her happy by randomly smiling at her when i see her looking around or dancing to no music.

feb 24. these were the early weeks of covid - ph hadn’t had a case yet, i believe, but travel restrictions were being implemented. my sister in singapore was doing everything to make sure she could come home because we don’t know when, but we know lola was leaving soon. of all the things our mom told her not to do, she cried at the entrance of the embassy and by the grace of god, someone took pity and listened to her (bc she was denied entry since she had a small cough) and she was able book a flight at midnight and be home in 4 hours. that afternoon, when i arrived at lola’s house, that was the very first time i stood at the doorway to greet her like i usually did and she didn’t smile. not even the corners of her lips moved. she was in that much pain that she couldn’t even greet me back like she always did, which was to smile and nod her head. that night, we all decided to sleepover there (with the exception of my dad since he had to feed our dogs at home). i take my usual seat in the living room and i notice a white dress that i remember (from photos) being lola’s 50th anniversary wedding gown and without being told, i know it was what she was going to wear for the very last time.

feb 25. being notoriously a late sleeper, i was about to go to sleep at 2AM when i hear lola groaning and whining out loud. when i checked her, her stubborn lil ass was trying to get out of bed alone!!! so i obviously panic and try to wake up anyone by exclaiming that lola had to go to the bathroom - she’s been wearing adult diapers for weeks now but refuses to go in them and is adamant about bringing her to the bathroom so she could relieve herself - so me, and the same aunt and uncle from the hospital, assisted her into this modified chair so she could pee and the only thing i could do was hold her hand, like always. after that, my uncle said he’d watch over her and lie down beside her on the bed so in case she needs to go again, he can take care of it himself. after falling asleep, i heard a few hours later that my sister from SG arrived. when i woke up later on, my sisters and i presented ourselves to lola bc its been so long since she last saw us complete, and this time she was able to give us a small nod of acknowledgement. i realized that none of my uncles and aunts went to work that day, thinking it was just so we could be complete since my sister was home. but then i overhear them making plans to have a priest come over for the sacrament of anointing of the sick - which based on my last and only experience (my grandfather/lolo), this must be the day. during the session, a few of my aunts and an uncle cried. my sisters cried, too, but i forced myself not to. when the priest left, i don’t know how long, but suddenly, she was gone. i didn’t know how to react. this was the second time i’ve seen someone pass away before my very eyes. everyone was crying out for forgiveness, kissing lola’s head, but i couldn’t move one bit. i was finally crying, but i couldn’t move at all.

3 days. from learning about the real problem with lola, it only took 3 days for it to take her away from us. not even a week, or a month. the only bright side to this was that she’s finally relieved of all the pain that’s been causing her suffering. 3 days of knowing her time was very, very short, but it was still a shock when she finally left.

for the longest time, lola’s goal was to reach the age of 100 because apparently our government will reward her with 100,000 pesos (like 2k usd) for doing so. she wanted to reach 100 because she wanted to leave us with some inheritance haha. and everyone believed she could do it. no one doubted her. until this happened. maybe its just me, but i feel foolish... completely stupid and ignorant for knowing deep down in my heart that she would reach 100 that losing her 3 years prior her goal hurt me more than ever.

it’s been 5 months but remembering her death still makes me cry. i have dreams (and you all know im a lucid dreamer) where she’s still alive and we’re talking about how she beat cancer at 96 in just a few months, but then i’ll remember that she didn’t and the dream in front of me just shatters and i’ll wake up empty and crying. i have never felt so much regret after she passed bc all she wanted was to see me graduate and it was up to me to show her that i got my first job and give her a portion of my first salary, but i couldn’t even do that. i waited too long and now its too late. her ideal type for me was a rich atenean boy who could drive 😂 and i still couldn’t give her that bc im so anti-men. there was a time i was so scared to go back to lola’s house bc she called me out during dinner - “baket ka malungkot/why are you sad?” - when all i was doing was browsing through my phone, scarily enough going through another “episode”, and the last person i’d ever want to know about my possible depression was her. of all my suicidal episodes, i’ve always resolved them by thinking of her - that i will continue living because i wanted to see her smile. because i wanted to see her happy.

i miss her so much. i wish i had been a better granddaughter to her. the small things i’ve done for her were never enough. in the past 5 months, i’ve only dreamt about her twice (actually being with her) and both times made the day so hard to function. i havent moved on and i dont know if im the only one. i dont know if i’ll ever move on. she would have been 97 today. whenever she forgets my name, i’ll tell her i have the same birthday as her and she’ll remember me. she’ll say “ahhh rosean! july 10!”

if someone read through this, im sorry you had to go through that mess. but thank you for hearing me out. no, i’ll thank you the way my lola would thank people, verbatim:

thank you very much from the bottom of my heart.

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knicole0527 · 4 years ago

Text

How Did I Fall For Unwritten History?

So I’m in a whole relationship right? Like a whole fat ass relationship. Like me plus her equals nobody else . Its kinda dope and kinda like coccaine . If she was a drug I’d take it . She grounds me . She makes love to my mind , heart , and then my body . Her way of words sometimes makes me feel stupid because she uses words I cant imagine using . My vocabulary aint that big . But ask me about math or science ? I’m definitely ya girl . She was my missing piece . If that makes any sense at all . We definitely have our rollercoasters but I’ll killl anyone over her and I stand on that . Best part its with who I chose and not who my parents chose or approved of. I actually dont care whether they approve of me or not. Mom didnt want kids anyways. As she put it, she likes “ a return to sender kid “ I know she used to joke about it but I later found it to be true. So at this point either you like my happiness or you dont. But anyways, So we met the first time at work, Afni Call Center to be exact. She was a bet. By bet I mean with green money with coworkers. So I bet that I would get smashed by this girl and they would each owe me 50 bucks. I mean who can turn down money. Plus she was kinda cute and I know she was watching my little booty when I would walk away . I was 80 pounds lighter when we first met .

But here lately things have gone to shit . I can admit I fucked up . Well in the beginning . I cheated . She found out . But I was honestly gone tell her everything but she found out I broke her heart all that and then some . Since I put all my business out there . Only reason why I cheated was because I wanted a kid . I wanted her for sure but I wanted a kid . As time passed us by I realized she doesn’t want kids at all . So I had to make a decision , kids or stick around for my one true love in my adult life . So I looked her in the face , I probably had tears In my eyes and told her I chose her . She looked at me with confusion for a little and I dont think she anted me to flat out give up kids. But I was gone doe what I had to do to keep her by my side .

Now before we get to me cheating . I had an apartment on Old Morgantown Road . I loved that damn space man . Hard wood flooring . Storage unit . I had a w/d hook up . I had a good apartment and I could afford it and be able to live my best life . Rent was 475 a month . Utilities and water ran me about 80 . So I was well within my budget . But my dumb ass got involved with this man who I thought I could change . I was trying to hear from nobody about nothing . I wasnt trying to hear that he was cheating because I felt like I gave him no reason to cheat . I was giving him everything and then some . Hell I let his stupid ass cousin stay on my couch . So they were living rent free right , I know stupid Kendra always doing dumb shit . I should have opened my eyes but I didn’t .

Well he and I are definitely no longer together . He got my little cousin pregnant . I dont know whats worse . That she knew he was still living with me . That she knew we was kin . That he knew we was still together , fucking and living together and I never ask for a dollar . Or that my bosses had to call me in the office with another one of my cousins and sit me down to tell and show me that he was cheating and she was pregnant . It even shocked me that she tried to question me about my niggas car . Like girl he and I live together so yes maam I’m gone drive his car . and she was in shock to see me in the drivers seat . huh . Aint that funny how it all played out though ? But you know , karma got took his dick for a minute . He got the worst news of his life . His heart was just as shattered as mine . His trust was screwed if not worse than mine . He found out that while he was too busy cheating on me , she was getting knocked down by his cousin . LMFAO SERIOUSLY . He did all that cheating and got that girl pregnant and ended up getting played himself . So while I was his woman , he had a side bitch who had a side nigga , but THE SIDE NIGGA HAD A SIDE BITCH . I hadnt had sex with him in a while because things started getting to me and I was becoming very suspicious so I was still going to get checked anyways . But yea . What a fckd up love hexagon . Crazy how we all worked together . But when I reached my snapping point . I became a little on the ratchet side and called his mom and told her come get her sons belongings because he was homeless again . My cousin didnt have her own spot so somebody had to come take care of him because by that time I was done pretending .

Shit got bad for me mentally . I had me fckd up . I lost my job and went broke because I drank and popped it away . I know definitely wasn’t the right thing but I just wanted to feel numb to everything . I didnt really care how I got high just as long as I as high I was okay and at peace .

Alot of time went by and my past came back . She made me feel safe . And she saw me ; like the actual me . She knew something was up . Hell I gained 50 pounds since the last time we seen each other . But when she came back . I dont know if I was more so excited to see her or trying to fuck her right there on the floor at work . I walked in the door and the moment I seen her ... I didnt care who I was talking to , I think Wanda , I’m sorry boo but I seen my old boo and just had to do it . I could not help myself I had to hug her before I did anything else . I had a little more weight on me too because during our last encounter , hmm hmm , I was a bit smaller and hadnt grown boobs yet . So when she seen me running 90 mph to her ; baby girl was in for a shock .

Time went by and we started seeing each other a little more outside of work . Then she started to spend the night . But when she started doing that , I think I made things a little complicated for her at her moms . I had no intentions of doing so but it kinda got weird because she wasnt coming home very much any more . But yall , when I had her all to myself . Do you know how many times I undressed this girl with my eyes . I mean she standing there fully clothed and I seen EVERY INCH of her thru them clothes . It was bad yall . lol . She kinda eventually sorda moved in ; even though I thought she had already moved in . Time went by and things were okay ya know . We were just in the “ talking “ phase and just filling each other out . She started to grow on me a little more than I planned . and then I wanna say it was my birthday or after ? Baby girl was so drunk . She , our mutual friend , and I went to go grab food and drinks . Weeellllllll , I trapped her into drinking and drinking and drinking . We got home ? and she drank and and got funnier as the night went on . I remember that day like it was yesterday and the videos I have are absolutely the funniest videos I have ever recorded . “ butt clouds “ and the car honk that about gave her a damn heart attack .

Anywho times have went on . We decided to go to hilltop and live there . Who would have thought we would live together because I was stern on not wanting to live with her . It was weird living there . Always wondering if or when we were going to get a roommate . Then ? Thats the first time I ever broke a heart . See , she was always wanting to like distinguish a title. Meanwhile I am petrified of titles and labels and shit . Plus I have labeled myself for so long I didnt want to put a label on she and I . So I waited and waited and waited and decided to test waters . By testing waters meaning , I caught baby fever BAD . LIKE BAD BAD . I wanted a kid so bad I didnt think about talking to her first , I was just hoping one day I could be like , surprise baby we are having a baby ; butttttt I was gonna tell her how I got pregnant IF if actually happened . But she kinda beat me to it . She seen the messages on her tablet and as you know it went to shit from there . I broke her heart . I wasnt sure if or when she would or could ever forgive me . ( its JAn232021 ) and I know she still hasn’t forgiven me for anything . Not sure if she will ever get past it enough to love me love me .

We made it official , May 2019. By that time the only things that mattered to me were building a life with her. Come August 2020 . We got a place together and as time went on, I knew something was wrong but I would rather ignore it than have to go to the doctor because that just aint my cup of tea. I hate doctors.. they always wanna diagnose people with shit. I just didn’t wanna be one of those people so I held out as long as I could before it got to the point of being unbearable . I lost yet another good job . At first they thought it was covid and it wasnt . I tested negative for covid . Then I had like 5 appointments that following week . I was put on all types of stuff . I was throwing up everything . I was crying non stop . I was doing things not in my normal regimen . Thats when things fell harder on her . Harder as in bills , and stress and everything . I became that burden . I became the thing in the relationship that puts everything on the line . I became the complete failure in the relationship .

I wasn’t able to help like I planned . in fact my checks were so small that every pay day because I had all my bills and people I owed money to on auto pay and I kept making promises, put me in the negatives . I was in the negatives for 3 to 4 months . So imagine being the one in the relationship who didnt feel welcome . Who didnt feel like I deserved the love and things like that . All I wanted to do was help out and I couldn’t . Made me want to pack up and wait until I knew she was gone so I could leave . I didn’t know what to do . But I knew I was pretty much of no use . I knew that she resented me . I knew it pushed things back so far it may never come back to normal .

But now , Im better than I was still struggling though . But I have this amazing job . I have a job where I can do my part and not hurt . I have a job where I can finally help out now . But its not enough . I’m not enough . The love is not enough anymore . I have became disposable . I have become the one who broke and shattered her heart and trust in her adult love life . How do I come back from it ? How do I rescue something that may have already died ? Am I worth it ? Am I better off without ? Do I deserve her ? She deserves the world and I want to give it to her I do .

But idk , maybe my mom was right . just maybe the only things I’m good at are singing and laying on my back . Havent accomplished shit yet . Got banned from a job because I tried to put my hands on someone . Got fired from 3 good fucking jobs because of my health .

Im crashing at this point . My future is on edge . I am on edge . this is not cool dude . But I will play the hand I’m dealt . Maybe I will win and marry the woMAN of my dreams . Or maybe I will just fck it up once again . We Will See .

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loneveenas · 5 years ago

Text

whispering into the night | 7

pairing: kenhina words: 2219 rating: t

total words: 7922 | previous chapters on ao3

note: yes this is chapter seven, which i posted to my ao3 a month ago. i’m close to updating the final chapter so i wanted to post this before hand. you can find the other chapters on my ao3

ao3 | mlist

“Hellooooo guys,” Shouyou yells into the camera. “So good to be back in front of the camera with Kodzuken!” He excitedly waves into the camera. He tilts his head to look at Kenma, who’s sitting next to him, feeling a little shy.

Shouyou nudges Kenma in his sides. It almost seems like Shouyou’s the one with the popular channel

“Hello.” Kenma continues to be shy and Shouyou giggles. “I brought Sho with me today. As you can see.”

Shouyou notices Kenma is very stiff today. He is hesitant if he should grab Kenma’s hand under the table. But it’s resting on Kenma’s thigh and Shouyou doesn’t know if he can go there.

Kenma found out about the video. It was bound to happen. It’s not like Shouyou could have hidden forever, the channel being Kenma’s and all—and the video getting a million views in 24 hours. The fans apparently couldn’t get enough of it. It was only a five minute video, but it exposed Kenma so much that he hadn’t talked about it to Shouyou at all. Except for Kenma sending Shouyou a text with “I can’t believe you’d expose me like that”. Shouyou was hurt. But it had been his own fault. And expose? Would that mean more than Shouyou had previously thought? Except he couldn’t bring it up right then, because Kenma would ignore even his simple ‘Hi’ and ‘Hello’ texts. Kenma never took down the video, though.

Today, luckily, Kenma called Shouyou again. Shouyou’s heart exploded when he got the call and rushed over to his place immediately.

“We’re doing a live Q&A session today,” Kenma said. “So if you’ve got questions, start sending them our way in the chatbox, and we’ll see what we can answer.”

“We are going to try and answer a lot of them!” Shouyou announced happily. His smile hasn’t died down yet and he hopes Kenma notices. “So start sending them in!”

They stare at the screen for a good minute. Shouyou is kind of well-aware that Kenma is sitting next to him. He notices from the screen that Kenma is barely sitting in front of the screen, and that it’s all of Shouyou’s body that is taking up two-third of the screen. He scoots to the right a little, tugging onto Kenma’s shirt, signaling that he can move a little more to the middle of the screen. Kenma simply moves along.

Shouyou moves his eyes back to the screen and smiles as he sees the comments welcoming them. A couple of the comments are also already sending in questions that they want to know.

—sho-kun so good to see you again!! —i missed you both!!!! —Kodzuken spare us a smile please. —say, Sho, would you like to be famous? —what’s you guys’ favorite holiday: Beach, Mountain, City? —Last film you watched? —first ride to go to in a theme park? —have you guys ever been to Disney World?

“Woah,” Kenma says.

“That’s a lot of questions already, you guys!” Shouyou comments, giggling and not stopping to read.

—which of you two is the laziest? —What are your shoe sizes? —who is the better dancer —Italian or Mexican food?

Shouyou can’t help but see the questions pop up that ask them… more private things… if Shouyou can call it that. It makes him uncomfortable.

—are you guys dating yet?? —please tell me you guys are dating. —I NEED THIS INFORMATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! —sho-kun we all know you like kenma and he likes you —just say yes to dating already ffs

“Okay, okay,” Kenma says, “calm down. Let’s start answering a couple first.”

“Yes!” Shouyou chimes in, trying his best to ignore those comments.

“Sho, this one’s for you.” Kenma moves a little closer to the screen to read better. “Sho-kun, it reads, how long does it take you to get your hair like that?” Kenma turns to Shouyou, waiting for an answer.

Shouyou laughs. “None! If I use a comb or a brush it will get super fluffy and that’s not what I want. So, I don’t do anything about it!” he answers with a bright smile.

—THAT’S SO CUTE —i wish my hair worked that way —sho-kun so cute uwu

“Kodzuken!” Shouyou says after reading a question. “This one asks what your first job was.”

“My first job?” Kenma moves his eyes away from the camera, thinking. “My first job… I don’t really worked somewhere… I started this channel right after high school graduation…”

“That’s so cool!” Shouyou comments. “I didn’t know that. So cool,” Shouyou repeats.

“Sho, this persons wants to know what your dream job is.”

“My dream job, huh…” Shouyou starts grinning and Kenma looks at him, questioningly. “I don’t think even you know what my dream job is, Kodzuken.” Kenma’s eyes widen and he opens his mouth slightly, thinking he can immediately answer, but he closes his mouth as quickly as he had opened it. “Do you?” Shouyou asks him again.

“I… don’t think I do.” Kenma doesn’t know what face to make… He doesn’t know his dream job and Shouyou is laughing at Kenma’s cute reaction.

Shouyou moves to the camera. “What do you think my dream job is? Tell us in the comments and the side who guesses first can get a Sho-special!” Shouyou laughs softly. He doesn’t know yet what the Sho-special will be, but he’ll think of something.

While Kenma puts on his thinking face, Shouyou turns to scroll through the comments.

—sho-kun so cute www —i want to know what the sho-special is —Sho’s dream job is probably something in an office — Sho!! I bet you’d want to be a teacher! —@ that person saying Sho would work in a office, ur dead wrong www —sports player —social worker??????? —swimmer as they do in free!! that would be cool —mangaka… no i can’t see it —sports……. —NO A POLICE OFFICER —the sports comment makes me wonder too —yeah look at his biceps —sho’s biceps are unreal —wwww kodzuken could take some lessons from sho

Shouyou laughs loudly. Kenma looks up from his thoughts and Shouyou points at the last comment. Kenma laughs softly too as his eyes go from Shouyou’s biceps to Kenma’s biceps. Yup, Shouyou’s were at least twice the size of Kenma’s.

At least.

Shouyou looks back at the comments. There’s one particularly comment that catches his eyes and that he can’t let go. That’s funny, he thinks.

“Someone came very close just now,” he mentions, eyeing Kenma’s reaction and the comments at the same time. Kenma’s eyes widen and he pushes his chair closer to the screen. He starts scrolling up and down the comment section. His squinty eyes make Shouyou laugh: he probably can’t find the answer.

“Sho, I can’t find it. None of these seem like something you would want to have as a dream job…” Kenma says, his eyes still plastered to the screen.

“I didn’t say the exact answer is on there, I just said that one of them came really close,” Shouyou replies, a little mocking towards Kenma.

Kenma huffs. “That’s unfair.” A little pout formed its way to its mouth.

“Haha! It’s not unfair. I’ll tell you later. Maybe,” he adds after a short stop when Kenma looked up at him, with an even bigger pout. “Anyways!” Shouyou wants to continue. A different question caught his eyes just now and he can’t wait to hear Shouyou’s answer.

“Anyways what?”

“I saw a question I want you to answer.”

“What is it.”

“Kodzuken, tell me and the viewers. What is your favorite game?”

Shouyou looks at Kenma as his face becomes pale. His frown becomes very deep and Shouyou immediately thinks back to that time. Kenma’s face is painted the exact same way as the secret-not-so-secret-anymore video that he took of an asleep Kenma. Just like that time, Kenma is muttering words that sound like “what is my favorite game?” but not in a complete sentence at all. Shouyou laughs loudly.

“It’s okay, Kodzuken, you can stop now,” Shouyou says, laughing with his hand in front of his mouth. “It’s okay, let’s not do this you to another time.”

A couple comments on the screen tell him there are people who haven’t seen the video yet, and other comments going wild to the soft reference Shouyou made just now. Kenma’s frown tells Shouyou he isn’t done thinking yet and Shouyou has to move closer to him to forcibly remove his hands from his hair and stop the frowning. “If you keep on frowning you’re going to get those ugly lines in your cute forehead, Kodzuken.” Shouyou smiles softly at the boy in front of him, who looks up shockingly.

“What did you say just now?”

“You’re going to get ugly frown lines in your forehead if you keep up frowning this deep,” Shouyou repeats.

“Oh.”

Kenma eyes him and Shouyou is confused. Had he said something odd just now? He doesn’t think he did. Shouyou moves back to the big screen in front of them and reads a couple more comments that are directed at him out loud and answers them.

Kenma is silent.

He doesn’t see Kenma staring at him, but he can definitely feel his eyes burning in his back. Shouyou tries to ignore it, but it’s nearly impossible to do so. He just wants to turn around, face Kenma, and embrace him in the biggest hug he can. But he can’t. Because they are currently live. And that is the only reason, Shouyou tells himself.

Shouyou leans back after answering around twenty quick questions by himself and makes sure he can share the screen with Kenma again.

“I’m hungry,” Shouyou mentions. “What should we eat tonight?”

—ahh are you guys going to eat together? —i wish sho would cook for me —bet sho is the better cook lol

Shouyou laughs at the comments. “I’m probably only the better cook, because Kodzuken only stays behind his computer twenty-four seven.”

—they would be so cute, cooking together —ugh dream couple —cant they stop being so unbearably cute —cute ahhhhhhhh —blushy kodzuken again pls —sho-kun dream husband

Shouyou can’t help but feel uncomfortable again. He looks at Kenma, but he invested himself in a detail with his Switch.

“Guys! Send us some more Q&A questions,” Shouyou asks of the crowd, and it makes Kenma focus his thoughts back to the camera. He probably got a little distracted just now, and Shouyou has to withhold a giggle.

“Yes. Shoot.” Kenma raises his knees to rest his chin on them.

So cute.

The new comments are innocent at first.

—who is the bigger foodie —Favorite cafe in Tokyo? —which animal do you want to be? —any weird habits you guys have? —Last film you watched (together)? —kodzuken what’s the color of your eyes hihi —i still want to Know what sho’s dream job is —kodzuken when are you going back to black hair —favorite childhood memory please.

And Shouyou laughs at them. Just as he finally wants to answer the ‘dream job’ question, his eyes catch… more uncomfortable questions. And not just questions.

—when did you start dating —who kissed first —kisssssss —Say I love you to each other please. —when did you start sleeping together —share a kiss come on —come on. stop pretending you guys are just friends. —No need to hide any longer <3 —know we ship you guys!! —kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss —the act is over we know you guys ain’t ‘just friends’ —act lovey dovey please. —come out already

The last few comments made Shouyou swallow loudly. He blinks a few times and doesn’t know how to respond. He wants to say something, anything, but words aren’t coming out.

Kenma speaks up before he can say anything. “I think it’s time to end the live. Good talking to you all again. See you next time.” Kenma’s voice isn’t his usual monotone voice. It’s even more low and flat and Shouyou barely recognizes him. He watches Kenma closely as he shuts down the live, shuts down his computer and makes his way to leave the room.

“Kenma!” Shouyou calls. He stands up to rush after Kenma, who already passed the door. “Kenma…"

“Shouyou,” Kenma interrupts anything Shouyou wants or wanted to say.

“Yes?” he answers, hesitating, afraid of what Kenma is going to say.

“I think it’s better for you to go home now, instead of staying over for dinner.”

Shouyou can’t see Kenma’s expression, but his voice said enough.

“Oh.”

“Sorry.”

“No… No. It’s okay. Really.”

Kenma watches Shouyou as he packs his things together, ready to leave. He leads him to his front door and wants to apologize again, but Shouyou stops him.

“It’s okay, Kenma. Don’t apologize.”

He sets his foot outside the door and right as he wants to walk away, he turns around one more time.

“It was pro-volleyballer, by the way,” Shouyou mutters. “My dream job.”

Kenma laughs, his face smushed between the doorway. He looks cute. “That’s… How could I not have guessed that. That’s so typically you.”

“Let’s talk about it another time, okay?” Shouyou laughs, too. His eyes are squinted at Kenma and he tries to hide his tears.

He quickly walks away.

#haikyuuwritersnet #kenhina #hinata #kenma #kenhina fic #kozume kenma #hinata shouyou #hinata shoyo #kenma x hinata #hinata x kenma #kenhina fanfic #kenma x hinata fic #kenma x hinata fanfic #haikyuu #haikyuu fic #haikyuu fanfic #dyo's fic

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chaniters · 6 years ago

Text

Cracked Candy

Sidestep is captured by Vitruvian’s minions and left under the care of the sadistic Candymaster, while Ortega and the Rangers race to save him.

Enjoy!

You cant' scream. You can't complain. Your mouth is sealed by the sweet substance. All you can do is watch helplessly as CandyMaster keeps torturing you.

When you woke up, you were are dangling from a pipe on the ceiling of the cell, your hands handcuffed together and held by a chain. Your arms still feel like hell, they kept you suspended for hours up there while the Candmyaster beat you. You are still held up by the cuffs and chain, but your feet aren’t dangling anymore. You are standing, now, but of course, the freak took care of it, making it a thousand times worse.

"So delicious! You're almost ready!" he cackles.

Ready for what, is the question you don't want to answer.

Your lower body is now almost completely encased inside a growing sugary crystal casing that's slowly rising from the floor, already covering part of your chest. IT's getting increasingly hard to breathe under its pressure.

"GHMHMMM!" you try to yell, to no avail, the candy crystals completely blocking your mouth.

The crystal growth stops. He's doing it slowly. Wants to see you suffer.

"What?" he asks bending an ear your way. "I didn't quite get that"

"HMMGGF!" you're not faking it right now...

"Oh, you want more? I'm glad to oblige!" he cracks in laughter again, the crystals covering up more of your body.

Tears begin to fall off your eyes, It's clear you might actually not survive this. You've only just begun untangling the seals of his strange mind. You might not be done in time to actually stop him.

The screens in front of you come to life, startling you, as well as CandyMaster. You look up... a figure inside an impressive green tech armor suit.

Vitruvian

"Aww.. we can't play anymore, Sidestep Darling. I need to speak with my sugar daddy" he adds, giving you his white smile.

You keep up your hopeless fight against the bonds.

"I am not. Your fucking. Sugardaddy" Vitruvian speaks with cold annoyance.

"Oh, sure you are! You appreciate me and pay for all my toys!"

"Just... put him on screen already... " Vitruvian seems exasperated.

"Coming through!" The CandyMaster adjusts the camera to focus on you. "Ta-da!"

"GMHEMHHT THFIGMS FGMUKCHINHMG THMING OFFHMM MMHMY MOhMHMMUHMTH!"

"What the FUCK did you do to him?

"Just a few games! Games games games, I like games!"

"FUCKING LUNATIC! I NEED HIM ALIVE!"

"OH don't worry, I'm careful with my toys... I wasn't going to break him... YET!"

"Shut ... up... Just remove that thing of his mouth"

"Aww... I liked it... can't we keep it on?"

Vitruvian simply stares at him.

Candymaster taps your sealed mouth and the crystal cracks in pieces. You spit candy stones all over the place as the thing falls apart.

"FUCK... YOU!" you scream at CandyMaster

"See? It helps keep him well behaved."

"Leave us," Vitruvian says, furious.

The monster finally leaves the room, leaving you alone with the screens.

"Well well... Welcome, Sidestep. I'm sorry for the delay. I was.. occupied."

"And fuck you too," you say to the screen.

"Again, apologies... CandyMaster clearly went a bit Overboard. But that can't be helped now..."

"What the fuck do you want from me?"

"Ah.. straight to the point. Very well, let me show you..." The armored figure turns to another console "Doctor M., please send the sample inside the cell"

Shortly after, the door opens, and a pair of HIVE androids enter, pushing a metal tray with a glass box inside. A black residue is at the bottom of the box.

"What... is that?" you can't help ask.

"That, Sidestep... are dormant Nanovores. Relics of the Gulf war."

Nanovores. The terrifying word resonates in your mind. You've heard the accounts. They can cover entire areas eliminating all life, stopping at nothing. Devouring people on the spot.

"You stole them from that ship!"

"I see you're keeping up, good for you. Yes, I got them out of the ship before you and your friends came in to send Jupiter to the bottom of the sea. You spared me having to pay him for his services too, so I thank you once more."

"I wish you had been there too, you sick monster!"

He simply ignores you, and goes on "Now, what I need is for you to help me activate the nanovore's control software"

"Fuck that...! I'm not... helping... you!" You struggle trying to break free. You don't like where this is going... but you only manage to get the crystals to dig deeper into your suit. It hurts horribly, until you stop, exhausted.

Vitruvian simply stares at your futile attempts before speaking again.

"Are you satisfied? Is it over? Did you get it all out of your system?"

You look down, exhausted and weak.

"How do you even want me to help you? I'm not a scientist"

"Oh, I know. And I also know you're not a martial artist either. You are a telepath. And a very strong one. Which is exactly what I need to unlock the nanovores".

"W... what?"

"You will do this for me. Or else, I will release the nanovores in the cell you're in right now."

The screens show a graphic of the nanovores spreading through the room leaving nothing behind... and then spreading through a large circular area of square kilometers before dying off. Spreading so fast...

"It will take them around 9 minutes to break the glass. If you haven't unlocked their software by then, they will devour you. According to the gulf war accounts, if you believe those, it's worse than being flayed alive."

"I'm not... a telepath" His image is replaced on screen by past footage of you striking Eldritch's behemoth form's head, sending the whole monster down. Then the screen returns to him. "That is not the work of martial arts. If you're not a telepath, I'm afraid you'll die here, Sidestep, and our business will be concluded."

Fuck.

"Are you insane? Even If I was... How am I going to control machines?"

"It's in their design. Dr. M and I have studied this technology."

Dr. M., You remember the name... a powerful villain relying on advanced tech.

"You are strong enough to do this. The machinery in this room will record your efforts so it can be reproduced."

"I won't!" you defy him. "I won't help a freak like you get hold of a weapon of mass destruction".

"Pitty," He says. "But I haven't finished" he continues. He is replaced once more by... security cameras? There seems to be a battle outside... you see energy weapons fire and...

"You are watching the exterior of this complex. Your friends are coming to rescue you"

Anathema is facing off against the HIVE robots in one screen. Steel and Sentinel are creating a distraction on another sector, fighting off another squad of HIVE.

"I'm sure they are all here somewhere, even if the cameras haven't picked up all of them. If you won't do it, then not only will you die, but them as well once they come looking for you. Their lives, are in your hands Sidestep. So do it, and save them, save yourself. Or don't... and you can all die together."

The screens turn black.

As she speaks, the black residue inside the box comes to life, spinning and turning into a cloud of black smoke.

You hear a harsh sound coming off the box. The nanovores are eating it's walls as Vitruvian said they would.

The screens show the Rangers battling their way inside.

There is no way to warn them.

If you do nothing, then you, and all your friends will die. But if you do, you'd be handing over a weapon of mass destruction for him to use.

"FUCK!" you scream. You struggle once more, but it's completely useless. The handcuffs above are firm, and the crystal below is like an anchor, constricting you.

He's left you no choice. No fucking choice. You can't let them die.

You try to concentrate. Your body is in a tremendous amount of stress. But you try again... and again...

The sound from the box becomes louder.

You start feeling them. They have a presence to them... You keep attempting to connect, but each time's a new failure.

Is that a crack on the box? Or your mind playing tricks...

"GHAA!" you scream as you manage to make contact for a brief second. You have to keep trying... you have to...

The screens outside show Balrog joining the fight... he and Steel are going hand to hand. They will be distracted... they won't have time to flee.

You focus once more. You can't fail. You can't fail them.

~Contact~

The strange language inside the Nanites floods your brain... you realize it's some sort of computer language.

You focus even harder...

The residue stops spinning and focuses on your side of the box.

Fuck... you're leading them to you.

It begins to crack...

"Stop! Stop!" you yell at them... until something clicks. You've managed to do something... unlocked something... And then they freeze... and fall back into the box's bottom, lifeless once more.

You take a deep breath. You did it... whatever happens next... you saved them.

A screen flashed on the device on the wall on the left. "Package sent" it flashes. Vitruvian won. He got what he wanted. Fuck.

You hear footsteps... and a mind approaching... it's...

Oh no...

The door opens and CandyMaster barges in.

"My precious young man, it seems your friends found us! I'm not sure how they did it, but it seems they want to rescue you... We can have that!" he says forcing you to look at him, taking your chin with his sharp crystal fingers.

"I'm afraid this is goodbye for us! I enjoyed you very much!" he giggles, as he commands the crystal to grow once more.

"Hm... bas... tard!" you scream in terror feeling the crystals pressure increasing. You are about to die. It's over... The pain is unbearable. You try to scream... but it's hard to even breath.

You don’t want to die.

Not like this.

"S...to..p!"

And then the air vent on the ceiling behind him opens up as someone kicks it open.

CandyMaster turns to see Ortega jump down through it.

"Oh... I didn't know there was another dessert coming up!" he starts laughing, raising his hands to use his powers...

Only this time you get him.

He is distracted, and you get inside his mind. You don't know how his mutated brain works, but you're in, so you simply start pulling and breaking everything you see. You've' learned to fear him, but right now It's either you or him.

"Aaargh... " the CandyMaster holds his head, in pain... and then it explodes in pieces, being replaced by Ortega's Electrical fist. His body continues to move, but Ortega strikes once more, the thing cracking up and falling apart in a thousand pieces.

"H...el.. p"

"Fuck! Cyrus, I'm here!" he runs to you

"Can't... br..ea...th"

"Hang on, let me break this shit!"

He starts pulling the crystal pieces apart. You struggle to remain conscious... until you finally sense your lungs released from the pressure.

"Mierda..." he says, still working on releasing you. "What did that monster do to you?"

"Thank... you... Ricardo" Is all you can think of. You are tearing up. "Thank... you" He continues breaking down crystals, releasing your legs. The thing is stuck to your suit, and you have some cuts. Fortunately, your nanomesh seals your skin once they are removed...

"Elyise called us... her precognition told her where they took you... Fuck... I'm sorry. If I hadn't..."

He breaks the chain to which your handcuffs are attached, and you fall down. He catches you. Your legs are completely numb from the crystal's pressure. You can't even stand. And the handcuffs are still there.

"Fuck.. let's.. take you out of here," he says with concern, carrying with both arms. Elyise comes inside as well Oh there you are! "The HIVES are fleeing... And Sentinel sent Balrog down with a wind gust while Steel broke down one of wings. They've captured him... and... What the... Cyrus are you ok?" she says approaching.

No, you're NOT OK you want to scream. You’ve been tortured for hours and you thought you were going to die. You were sure of it. But you just don’t have the strength to do it.

"Let's get him out," Ortega says.

A piece of the CandyMan's face lies on the floor, it's dead eye staring at you, hauntingly.

You bury your face in Ortega’s chest as he walks out. "Thank you" You keep repeating, in tears.

_________________________________

My fanfiction: https://chaniters.tumblr.com/post/181692759294/my-fanfiction-for-fallen-hero

DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fan fiction using characters and the setting of the Fallen Hero: Rebirth and upcoming Fallen Hero: Retribution games written by Malin Riden. I do not claim ownership of any characters from the Fallen Hero wold. These stories are a work of my imagination, and I do not ascribe them to the official story canon. These works are intended for entertainment outside the official storyline owned by the author. I am not profiting financially from the creation of these stories, and thank the author for her wonderful game/s, without which these works would not exist.

#fallen hero: rebirth #fallen hero spoilers #Chargestep #Fanfiction

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dispatchsolaris-blog · 7 years ago

Text

A Cosmic Masquerade -Prologue

Prologue

After all this time I spent trying to save her. Now I am left with the hardest decision of my life, and this is the start of that story. I spent my time in my home town, so I can look over my parents and my relatives here and to protect them from any danger. Being one of the few children my parents had I was the unlucky one and got stuck with this responsibility. My brothers and sister are living their lives like I used to, but after a serious injury I was foolish enough to come to our parents house to take care of dad. My father and I were never close. He was always working and I spent most of my life trying to impress him and gain his approval. The best example of wasted time I can think of, but the day I heard he got hurt I instantly rushed to his side. I stayed with him for weeks doing everything I could to make his condition better. After months of healing he was finally able to talk again, and of course the first thing he says is “I should’ve known you would come here Johnathan. You were always too desperate for my approval. You should be more like your little sister, Samantha. Look at her. She is off on her own making a living without her parents to worry about. She moved out to Valbarrow the first chance she got and hasn’t looked back, not even for a second. What happened with you John? Did I not raise you right?”. I swear the more he talks the more I want to to lose control and take my anger out on him. For some reason, my brothers and I were all failures compared to Sam. She could do absolutely no wrong in his eyes. It was always “Why cant you be more like Sam”, “Well Sam was able to do this”, “I swear Sam is the only one of my kids who I am proud of”. She never even worked for his affection. I was jealous of her for most of my life, but she told me “I don’t even like being praised by father Johnny, I wish he could see how hard you work and praise you for a change.” From that moment it felt like after years and years of hard work someone finally acknowledged my efforts. And from that moment my little sister became my closest friend. Samantha was one of the reasons I had enough courage to get out of Falcon Cliff and explore Swynnwick in the first place. Watching her take off in the carriage to Valbarrow really pushed me to follow my own dreams and travel around the country. Because of her, I traveled all the way to the Iron sea to Bosh Haven. I even visited Valbarrow once or twice to catch up with Sam and tell her all the adventures I have been on. Nevertheless, I owe everything to Sam, so naturally when I heard what happened in Valbarrow I instantly went to check on her. I was up early making breakfast for mother and father while listening to the radio. Some of the classics were on whenever I saw mother with a bad look in her eyes. “Mom, what is it? You look like you got the worst news imaginable.” I asked worryingly. “Nothing is wrong dear, its just... I feel like something bad will happen today, I just can’t put my finger on it.” she replied. “Well, tell father that breakfast is almost done and I already got the newspaper for him as well.” I said trying to lighten the mood for the both of us. After setting our plates on the kitchen table I suddenly had a sharp pain in my head and I fell to the ground. My head was pounding, I could hear my blood rushing through my veins, and I could hear my heart beating furiously. I couldn’t even hear myself think, the pain was unbearable, but it all stopped whenever father stepped into the room. “What are you doing on the ground for boy? Something got into or what?” My father asked agitated. “No sir, just feeling light headed is all. I am fine.” I replied hoping he would believe me. He grunts and grabs the paper for today. I get up and get us all glasses of water. “Fill mine up with ice please darling.” Mother asked kindly. “Sure thing mom!” I said with a smile. I come back with my parents glasses, “Took you long enough.” father said annoyed. “Sorry sir.” I said while getting my own water. I decided to turn up the radio while we all ate. It was something we did while I was a kid, mom would make the best breakfast in all of Swynnwick, father would be reading the paper, and my siblings and I were all around the radio listening to the latest news. It was all normal things at first, same weather forecast, same upcoming news in Falcon Cliff, the usual things. The newscaster said unexpectedly during the upcoming news “One second there is something happening right now in Valbarrow.” My parents and I instantly stopped doing whatever we were doing and started to listen intensely. “Right now, as we speak, Valbarrow seems to be under attack by some strange creatures from the skies. Not much is known about the attack, but we will be keeping you all updated about it with the following days, until then all of us at Swynnwick news wishes you all a lovely day.” I stand up without any hesitation and rush to my old room. “What are you doing?!” Father asked curiously. “I am going to Valbarrow and make sure Sam is alright.” I barked at him. “What do you mean ‘going to Valbarrow’ are you insane?” mother asked worryingly. I didn’t reply, I was too busy packing up my clothes and things for the journey I was about to embark on. “Answer your mother right now young man!” father yelled. After a few minutes of me packing up and not answering “That’s it! Johnathan I refuse you going to Valbarrow at this moment, go unpack your things and stay in your room until I say you can come out!” My father demanded while outside the doorway in my room. “NO!” I yelled back at him. “You are going to get out of my way, my little sister is out there and if things are attacking her town there is no way in Hell I am staying here and not making sure she’s alright. I don’t care what you say father it isn’t even close to the top ten things on my mind right now, so get out the way I am getting a carriage.” I looked at him furiously seeing him shocked. “Finally. You finally stood up to me.” He steps to the side, “I couldn’t be more proud of you right now, son.” He said happily. When he said those words I felt my heart sank in my chest. “Now go get some food for the road, I will call Michael from town to give you a ride to the nearest town from there you can get a carriage.” He told me with a proud look on his face. I nod and head into the kitchen once again packing food that would travel well, bringing enough for two so Michael doesn’t get hungry himself. “Honey, here take it.” Mother hands me a coin purse. “It should be enough to get you to Valbarrow. I know you have your own gold on you, but I need to make sure you get to Sam as fast as you possibly can.” She says with a tear rolling down her face. I take it from her and give her the biggest hug I have ever given her. “Michael should be here any second son. Be safe, and make sure Sam is safe as well. “I will father, I won’t come back until she is under my protection.” I said looking straight into his eyes. He nods and holds his hand out to me. I hesitate for a second and shakes his hand before going out the front door. I soon saw Michael soon after, “Johnny! Heard you need someone to take you to Foxmoor.” “You heard right! What do I need to pay you for this day and night journey?” “Not a copper! It’s my pleasure to do this Johnny.” He said with a smile on his face. I step into his carriage setting my things down. “Michael I cannot explain how much this means to me. I brought you food for the road for this trip to Foxmoor and I will make sure to get you some for the way back to Falcon Cliff.” “Well thank you little Johnny, but can I ask why you needed such an urgent passage to Foxmoor?” He asked with curiosity. I am silent for a few seconds, “I am on my way to Valbarrow.”

#prologue #new writer #new writers on tumblr #first story

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allenmendezsr · 4 years ago

Text

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iheartdubulge · 7 years ago

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I have finally been feeling better, Jonghyun. Me putting on an act helps. I have broken down several times and it hurts immensely. - But now I can drink water, now I can keep food down, Get some sleep even if its only for 3-4 hours. Crying makes me be very dehydrated but I couldn't keep it down. I Passed out from exhaustion but was able to sleep for six hours because of it Today. I am physically feeling better, but my heart isn’t, my mind either. Jonghyun I don’t think this pain is ever going to go away, I already had it before you left but it was manageable. I’ve been trying to not think about you for my own sake and mental health, but I catch myself zoning out thinking about you. Or when I feel an ounce of happiness my heart , body and soul, remind me that I cant be and I begin to cry, my smile instantly becomes a frown, and me trying to keep that from happening causes me much more of an ache within my heart because it’s just me, its how I am, and I hate it so much. I know we had similarities in how we felt, based on your lyrics. But I didn’t know we were so similar. I am still in denial and I don’t that is ever going to change, because I thought we were going to make this happen together, we would both find happiness one day. And when you left i felt so much anger, and betrayal because you left me all alone. Which makes this even harder for me. I’m sorry for feeling that way towards you. Even now, I am still sinking in emotions and feelings about this situation, but I too want to be Happy. My own heart and mind keep me from it, and i am aware of it. But I don’t know how to fix myself. I am really trying to pull through, i think about taking my life everyday, and I try Unsuccessfully. Or I push it off, because I'm scared. I spend so much time alone but and i enjoy out because I grew accustom to it, but I'm scared of doing it and I'm scared of being alone. - I want to try and get heeled, I want to know what's wrong with me. I want to Know why i have this irreparable pain. And now more than ever. I know these thoughts wont go away, But for now I promise i won’t do anything. I’ll stay alive and try for the both of us. I’ll write my pain down. Even if it's another suicide note, but i promise for now i won’t attempt anything. For now, I’m sorry if in the end i don't keep my promise and go through with it. -- Now that you're happy and in peace please help me once more, give me strength to find that happiness you feel here on earth.- Love, there will be days where i’ll pretend to have forgotten you, because those will be my most painful days, those days will be the ones i live my life where none of this ever happened ill think about you but not as a memory , ill think about you being in your studio with the rest of the members and with roo. As i grow old, i hope my memories of you remain the same but with you growing with me, ill think about you getting wrinkles, getting pepper hair, having kids, grandkids, as painful as that may seem I want to remember you not only as a memory but having found happiness here on earth while growing old with your brothers and Shawols. -- After six days of pain, I found an ounce of strength and hope. I am going to write a book, about jonghyun, about myself. It’s going to be personal- Its going to have How he helped me, the pain I feel, and hopefully how my broken heart will heel. If i ever find happiness 5 , 10, 20 years down the road i’ll publish it. Because i hope to have made it. -- I know I would be making a mistake if i decide to do something irrational, i know that. But sometimes you're just feel so lonely and low. It seems like thats the only option out of that pain, its really hard to sincerely feel happiness. I only felt that with SHINee, right now i have been listening to them nonstop, but sadly for now it brings me pain, but with wonderful memories. - My book will include a lot of you Jonghyun, shinee , shawols, us , personal feelings and my suicide notes, because instead of taking my life ill put all of my pain onto paper, and try to keep my promise. Jonghyun is such a precious soul, he left stuff behind to cope with the pain. I’m really trying hard my love, I'm trying really fucking hard not to do something stupid so this is what i came up with. I’ll try to live, and find happiness. I’ll try to be so incredibly happy for the both of us, ill try to become full of love like you were, i’ll try to live a good life for the both of us, i dream of having a family one day. Having my kids listen to you for the first time. Telling my husband that thanks to you and SHINee I'm still here. - You see love, I’m really trying even if most of it is insincere for now. Because I'm in so much pain. - I’‘I pray only that you aren’t hurting. I hope only that you will be happy. ‘Please don’t try to be alone in the darkness/ Don’t torture yourself/ Don’t torture you.’ Jonghyun captioned the picture: ‘I pray you aren’t hurting.’ - Jonghyun your last post i wish i could’ve told you the same , I'm so sorry my love. I Love being alone in my room i feel uncomfortable being with others and my family, but I'll try. Even if it‘s for an hour or two, ill try. I’ll try to stay alive. My blog name/title has always been sincere, I am Anxious to Live, Anxious to stay Alive. Sometimes it just gets really hard. I am going to stop this here because the pain is becoming unbearable, i need to put it on paper. And If I don’t stop now, i don't think ill ever stop. --

“It doesn’t matter who you are and what you do but please remember this one thing: someone loves you more than you love yourself. i will cheer you on. i love you.”- Lee Jinki.

Lee Jinki and Kim Kibum Thank you. For helping me find strength in Him instead of Pain. I love you My Five Precious Babes. Please be proud of me for simply trying.

Kim Jonghyun I am proud of you for trying. I Love you so fucking Much.

Thank you Smiley-Jaebum , & Lostinaneon

#lostinaneon #@lostinaneon #@smiley-jaebum #smiley-jaebum #kim jonghyun #shinee #onew #key #lee jinki #shawol #personal

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karinshortstories · 7 years ago

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I did not know it was a mental illness

Jonghyun incident reminds me of my past. When I was in high school I think same thing ever happen to me. But I never thought it was a serious issue until recently. When I read symptomps of depression and panic attack, I was like, isnt it what happen to me too when I was in high school?

But well. I never truly know and remember and dont want to, because mainly Im afraid to fall into that dark hole again.

Yeah dark hole is the accurate description of what I was going through at that time.

Its started with a sudden death of my close family. Really sudden. The me back then was so young, that all I know was only happiness. The reality that ppl can die in the end not really engraved in my mind since I never experience loss of my loved one. But then, I loss some one close to me in a really sudden way. That shook me to the core. Particularly that night when I was about to sleep I thought too deep, what i was thinking is death is a scary thing because u dont know where u going. And its really really scared me, my heart beating so fast, I have cold feet and I can't breathe, I was crying. Then my mom ask me what happened. I can not answer. I wouldnt answer.

Since that night. I feel like I fall into a huge hole, dark. The surface really seem far. My chest is so heavy and im suffocated. I remember always sitting in a corner of my family room, my back on the wall, then hugging myself. Its all because the pain in my chest was unbearable. Especially when its raining, the pain was unbearable, im crying. I can not sleep. Or precisely, I slept but I cant feel that I have enough rest. Im exhausted.

I went to school as usual. I eat but cannot taste it well, taste bland. Somehow watching my kpop oppas, reading comics didnnt make me as happy as before. I was confused. I want to be happy, I want to be back as my old self. But I feel only darkness.

I know my parents and family was so sad seeing me in that state. They rent me lots of comics to read. But I didnt read any of it. They took me for a walk to see some good sceneries. But it didnt work. My tsundere brother even took me in his motorbike somewhere far to see nice scenery. But i didnt feel anything. Which make me hate myself. Why i cant be happy after my family took hard effort to do this thing. I dont know why.

One night when my pain becomes unbearable, I was hugging myself in the corner of my family room and crying. My mom ask me to pray (sholat magrib) with her, then we read Quran together. Im crying even harder. I pray to God that I want to be normal again, please bring me to surface again. Then i was asleep, with my father hugging me.

Another night was when I was in panic mode again, and I feel like my chest was about to burst, I remember my mom took me to doctor. And that doctor said I was physically fine, then he mentioned that Im psychologically not fine. I remember my moms worried expression, and it makes me so apologetical.

One day, i was even taken to a religious figure (kyai), my mom though theres something unseen was bothering me. But then, he said theres none. Which makes my family even more confused.

One night i was so exhausted because the voice in my head always said u will die soon and something like that. Every night is a battle for me with that voice. I dont want to die, i dont want to die. I keep repeating that. But its really exhausting. One night i thought of giving up and said to my mom,should i just die?. My mom was so shocked. I can still remember tje shock in her eyes. She ask me to pray with her again. After praying we read Quran again. Im crying so hard. Then my mom told me, thinking about "it" (suicide) is a big sin. Let alone do it. Then im crying even harder.

One week was like hell for me. My panic attack always hit me when its starting to get dark or when its rainy days. My chest always hurt so much until I suffocated. That is why I was hugging my self. Each day is so hard for me back then. But I realize that my family wouldnt leave me alone. They always ask me to go out with my friends even if I dont want to. And it saved me.

And.. what saved me is actually a simple word from my father. At that time I was so afraid of death and I need someone to tell me that I will live, safe and well. I know it might be hard for him to say that uncertain things. But what saved me and bring me to surface was only this sentence "life and death is God to decide, you have live courageusly, why you are so afraid of death? What are you so afraid of? You are so healthy, you will live well.". With a serious and assuring expression my father told me that sentence.

Then I feel like I come back to surface.

That dark place is gone.

The pain is gone.

But I know the hole is still there.

And I can fall anytime.

I just have to limit my mind not to think too deep.

So that I wouldn't fall in to that hole again.

Yup, thats my story. Honestly Im crying while writing this. Because I still can feel the pain even now

The reason why im writing this is because I saw many ppl on internet are mocking the late Jonghyun, why he took such decision (to end his life) while he rich, handsome, has many fans. They didnt know, that all of those are insignificant and not related to mental issues that he has. Because I already experienced that, I can feel it, and somehow relate to it. I really grateful I have family which support me, religion which I can holding on which makes me not thinking about suicide. And sadly, those mental issues is considered something trivial in our society, while the fact is its really isn't for the one who suffering from it.

I hope many people can open their mind after what happened in this 2017.

Lets be healthy and happy always.

Cheers.

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itscaramelli · 7 years ago

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hello, been a while since i write and post. was thinking to launch my article + hashtag series but, i guess i have something a lot better for my 2nd bloggiversary.

as some of you might know, i recently just attended a campus conference; unashamed. so yes, this post today is going to be about that trip. how i got there, the people i met, how i think the city is, what i’ve learned and what God spoke to me personally :) so here it goes.

i love the aftermath of what the conference gave me. im still singing the songs in my head, picturing the visuals in my mind and having the chills from the Word i heard.

Aug 1st - 6th, 2017

Day 1

our flight was at 2pm in the afternoon, we had a 3-4 hours layover in KL so we arrived at MNL at around 2am in the morning :’) THEN GUESS WHAT, we had few committees from the conference waited for us just to greet and welcome us in the airport on our arrival. that’s just the thing about the people there, they’re VERY welcoming and caring.

yes. it was undeniably tiring, i was unbearably exhausted but was cautiously excited of what’s gonna happen for the next few days. i personally got myself ready for this. i emptied my mind and heart to be filled with what God will give to me during the conference.

for first-timers like us, i knew we should be ready for any unexpected adventures. everything went well until we arrived in our apartment’s concierge; we couldn’t get in to our room as smooth as i imagined. it was around 3am and cuz i didn’t have the information about the room’s number yet, we called the owner of the apartment whom i been contacting through airbnb. YOU KNOW WHAT. turns out she was in labor. no kidding, no exaggeration. she legit was picking up my call and answering me in labor pain 😭💜 this is how extra and dedicated are the people there i’m tellin you.

long story short we finally got our keys, did little re-arrangements for the room and then we went to bed 💤 it was about 4am in the morning.

we got up at about 12noon to look straight for food lol 😂 speaking of which, we stayed in Pasay City. the food around the apartment was either fried chicken or pizza. so yes, you guessed it right, we had fried chicken for lunch.

the gates are opened at 2pm, so after a quick briefing in our tower lobby 2.15, we (with fellow indonesian delegates) walked together to the arena.

i honestly didn’t know what im gonna get myself into. i’ve never attended a campus conference before, so i was pretty much just ready for about anything. then, we were finally there, lining up at the entrance to get in…

they welcomed us with acoustic percussions session which they could invite us to dance along with them.

and that’s one of the things i really loved about the conference; they were really focused on students/youth that the tools they were using to attract us are 100% relatable.

we got there at about 4pm so we had to wait for 2 hours tops til the conference really starts. BUT IT DIDN’T FEEL THAT LONG AT ALL. as you all might know, i showed a glimpse of the ambience of the arena in my facebook posts (and more on this one!); that’s really nothing compared to the real thing, really.

they had videos of what to do and what not to keep us entertained, they also had videos of games which we can react to (basically to shout or dance or wave) and it was fun. they really kept our excitement going.

then they opened the praise & worship session with I’ll Never Walk Alone, it was soooOooooooOo uplifting. it really shows that they’ve thought everything through.

*tune in to Victory Worship’s Beautiful Love to get in my mood!*

the first session reminded me of how God had taken away the shame in me. i, we, were living in sin. sin brought shame. shame takes away our honor, while God actually gave security, talents & skills, which reflects in His image. and shame will try to make us go make an attempt to try with our own efforts to get that. when humanity decided to rebel against God, they immediately signs that they refuse what God has given us, the identity He had given us.

after hearing this message, the Holy Spirit gave me a vision of the things i’ve bothered myself with. the things that made me ashamed of myself in front of God. the lies that it had brought to me which made me who i am today.

then i felt Him. i felt Him saying “I have forgotten all of that. Melissa, you are MY daughter. you are ACCEPTED in My eyes. Don’t ever doubt My love for you. I have forgotten what you did wrong, it’s your turn to do the same.”

tears streamed down my face lyk craayyyyy D’:

God really touched my heart and made me understand that im worth far more than the shame i had built on myself. He has given me a new identity, my shame is covered by His great and everlasting love. no reason for me to be ashamed now.

so after the conference that night, we went to the mall for Jolibee :3

Day 2

they are opening the gate at 12noon that day and the conference will start at 4pm, so we gotta get ready a lil earlier than the day before.

we had a few plans for lunch that day but didnt manage to do any of it lol #sleepdeprived. since we also wanted to get the merch while knowing it’s gonna be a long line ahead of us for it, so we decided to get lunch in a place near the apartment.

we got in the arena at around 1.30pm i guess, and then went straight for the merchhh! it was a long line, but it was worth it. their merch were really cool and comfy. i wike it.

we always start the session with a praise and worship session. honestly, i rarely listen and haven’t really familarize myself with the church’s own music. so for the past 2 days, we were kinda blanked out. but, the good thing is they repeated the same songs on different sessions that it actually got stuck in our heads little by little.

after day 1, i actually got the revelation of how i should see my church back home in Bali. i feel like now i know the potential of what my church is going to be like. i got to the understanding of being there in the arena feels more like reuniting with the big ENC family. we talk about the same things, we speak the same ‘language’ and we serve the same faithful God <3

session 2 was about being unashamed of God Himself. it hit me just by the title of the message. i love how the conference have its own flow to make us understand in being shame-free. i learned that when we are already unashamed, free from the burden of shame, we can help others to do the same.

to live fearlessly unashamed is to live FULL of the Holy Spirit. God has called me to live a life of fullness, nothing half portioned. when i focus on God, i can see beyond my obstacles.

instead of being ashamed of God, i need to be proud. God has given me the spirit of boldness and love, that’s what happens when i focus on what God has given me. i use that to bring others back to Him, to let others love Him and experience His love. there’s no substitute in living/having the Word; i can’t love God FOR others.

with a lil greeting from few new MCs, we continued to the next session.

this time they talked about being unashamed of the Gospel. here’s what i’ve learned about it; the Gospel works because God MAKES IT WORK. it’s not me nor what i did, but God’s only power.

reasons to be unashamed of the Gospel; first, clarity of the message. meaning, let’s not put too much on our shoulders. Jesus is the message, i shud be telling about Him and what He’s done. second; conviction of Its truth. the Gospel is TRUE no matter they believe it or not. i shudnt hesitate to ask questions/to explore the Word together with fellow world changers :) next; confidence of Its power. the power is in the Gospel, not in me. focus on sharing about Jesus so that i can overcome my obstacles. next reason to be unashamed of the Gospel; compassion for the lost.

God has a heart for the lost, He wants me to feel the same. and why was i ashamed of the Gospel u ask? cuz i was too focused on myself (on my cant’s and wont’s that i waste time on doubting myself, basically relying on public opinion) rather than the people who are longing for Jesus.

i have been entrusted with an important duty and have been FILLED with the greatest power, so NO REASON TO BE ASHAMED.

we’re continuing the day to the worship night. during the 2-hour break we got the chance to reunite with the 10Days team from Baguio who visited Bali not so long ago <3 felt so gooood to be with this family again!

it was Campus Day that day, so we were supposed to wear our campus attires/uniforms. cuz lé lack of information i had, we didnt pack any of ours. so me, i decided to change to one of the tees i bought earlier.

now that i have His spirit, the next session was about having the power to preach the gospel. the Holy Spirit gives me boldness. let HIS WORD 'cut out’ into (their) hearts, it’s NOT my job to do that.

the spirit that we’re bringing home is the supposed to be like a volcano not matchsticks. we’ll always have to be ready to explode and let that spirit run through, not easily blown by raging winds. #weareTeka #notTeFiti #datDisneyreferencetho #sorry?

worship night started. we were literally just singing worship songs, speaking in tounge and declaring prophetic words. that part of the night really strengthened the message i have heard from the previous sessions.

there was a part where we were asked to just kneel down and be still to hear from God. im always looking forward to that, cuz i really want to experience hearing directly from God. but like how i’ve mentioned before, God has His own way to communicate with me.

so on that complete silence while kneeling down, i didnt hear anything.

but when we started to go back standing up, while they’re singing worship songs in the background and prophetic words to strengthen, God started to picture faces in my heads. faces of the people i know and the people i’ve never even met before. faces of people from around the world.

those people i know, are my friends in college. my best friends whom i’ve spent most of my time with back in college. God was showing me how precious they are to me and to Him. God made me understand His heart for them, and not only that, on that very second He started to pour out His heart into mine. i started crying because God made me feel their pain in need of the Salvation. God refreshed me their back stories to remind me they’ve survived life, and they’ve survived for a reason. and that reason is to come back and reunite with Christ.

God changed my heart since that night. God made me see the importance of this mandate He left us to do. im fired up and revived by the Truth that has set me free from shame, and made my spirit rise to be ready to go home and do what needed to be done all this time.

we ended the night with a celebration, praising and worshipping God. the feeling of celebration synchronised with my heart, which was rejoicing knowing im living in a great and powerful purpose. it was a life-changing night for me. i went home with a happy, full and free heart.

Day 3

same like day 2, we needed to be at the arena at 2pm at least.

different from me and my brother, Jeremy, we had Arrows to attend to that morning. the service starts at 9am so we went from our apartment at 7.30am to be on time there when the gate opens.

Arrows (in Ministry) is a community of Pastors’ Kids in the church worldwide.

soooooo they served us great breakfast there. breakfast is my favorite meal of the day and there are a lot of foods to choose from i was so happy lol =)) but as you know i cant eat that much anyway, so i literally just had cereal and milk.

it was all good til i heard that we had to sit with complete strangers in one table hahahahaha. shud i even talk about this again? im a full-on introvert :)) just ask me to say hi to people i’ve never met before, and i could faint hahahaha kidding. but yes, please im speaking for fellow introverts on the face of this planet; we don’t like people, we love them :)))

it was not easy sure, but remembering what happened to me the night before i think i got this. so yea, i ended up in this table of 7 of us (new friends!) i guess? it was great to be around the friends who understands and who gets it. we all know the 'pressure’ and it was nice to hear their experiences and how they overcome their hard times.

personally i was never pressured with the pastor’s kid title by my parents. i already understood my role as God’s child and that is not different than any other God’s children in the world. since i was little i’ve never felt so excluded. i’ve never felt i had to be an example BECAUSE im a pastor’s kid, but its because i shud be the salt and light. then when it’s about dealing with meeting people’s expectations, what i understand is that im not a people-pleaser, im a Jesus-pleaser. *grins*

indonesian delegates are wearing indonesia themed/written attire that day. so before heading to the arena together with the bus, i and Jeremy had to change first.

it was a bitter-sweet feeling cuz it was the last day of the conference, but i also can’t wait to go home and share what has impacted me here. as i’ve mentioned before, they never made us feel like we’re waiting cuz they had these videos that kept us entertained.

they made us shout when we see our country’s name on the screen. how convenient??? we were wearing our country’s tees :“)))))

we had Victory Worship to lead us in praise & worship that final day! :))

the fifth session was shared by a Japanese pastor, he introduced us few Japanese words that we can actually use in discipleship. twas fun :3

from that session, using the story of Zacchaeus, we need to know some similarities here. both the campus and Jericho is a strategic place to start to change the world. God is in the business for destroying strongholds. and in the end, God wins :) Jesus engaged with Zacc(haeus), the very opposite person from who Jesus is. but He sees the potential in Zacc.

to have the heart to engage the campus, i need to see the pain of the lost. understand their need of Jesus and His salvation. then i see the potential in the Gospel to transform lives, not me or the people im reaching.

reach the campus by engaging the lost as lifestyle. because discipleship is a life-time process.

we ended that session with a powerful faith declaration.

the next session reminded me that we’re not only should impact our friends in the campus/school but also the people around us who we meet everyday.

what i’ve learned is that engaging the community is not meant to be intimidating and the Gospel is the power of God for Salvation. we are NOT the power, just vessels. so i need to put my confidence in God. cuz when i step out to help others, God will take care of me.

Jesus engaged the community. we engage the community to show what we look like, how we are about; reflecting heaven. it means we don’t always succeed. im not perfect, but im serving a perfect God.

to do it, i need to learn to wait on the Lord. go not with idea, but with faith and power from God. that’s the thing about us, we only carry the power. when i connect with God, i’ll realise who is the power and who is the carrier.

lastly, i need to remind myself that this is all about God. and im doing it to display His splendor.

on day two and day three, they had a halftime show during the break. that day, they chose pairs to represent each patron to play a game on the stage. its like a 'complete the lyrics’ kinda game. i was in the blue patron, our representatives lost but tsokeh!

we were supposed to bring flashlights or something that lights up that day. little did we know, that we’re actually going to use that for during the interval.

*tune in to The Beat by Victory Worship~*

the video got into a moment where it tells us to light up our flashlights while they ask things like; "are you unashamed of God?”, “are you unashamed of the gospel?”, and all we did was shout. and im telling you; i was not just shouting for the euphoria, but i was releasing my excitement cuz i know im free from shame itself and i cant wait to SHARE THE GOSPEL!!!

the video didn’t end there. after asking those questions, they wrote there “look around you. you are not alone.” (DUDEEEEEE WHAT?? HOW WAS I NOT SUPPOSED TO BE EMOTIONAL THAT TIME???!!) i held JJ, Em and Ryan on the shoulders reminding them the same thing :“) the final session hasn’t started yet and i was already crying whattttt.

aaannnddddd the final session is here. #bittersweet :’) they opened with Victory Worship’s “The Beat” sung by soloists in VARIOUS LANGUAGES in the world. MY EMOTION– I CANNOT EXPLAIN IT. :”””””””””

from that final session, ive learned that Jesus’ last words were meant to show His end-game; for us, all of us, to live in the Kingdom of God where the devil has no power.

Jesus directed His disciples to a specific place for missions; Galilee. irreligious, insubordinate and interracial Galilee. that’s where God wants His Kingdom to be settled on. there was a clear purpose why Jesus chose the mountain of Galilee, its cuz that’s where all the wrong things happen.

His mission of bringing His 12 disciples was to send the TEENAGERS! WOOTS!!

we are not saved from something, we are saved FOR something.

the discipleship message is and has always been about Jesus. when we make disciples, we’re bringing Jesus to spread Jesus. so that His Kingdom is brought to this world. the method to do is teaching. teaching is about a personal journey through a personal relationship. we make disciples as we journey though life together.

the moment when im doing the right thing, thats where temptation will find its way to me. so i gotta keep that spirit and keep my eyes on Jesus at all times. and reminding myself that Jesus promises all authority for me to be His daughter.

dat bitter-sweet feeling so strong tho :”) the conference has ended, but it’s just the beginning now!

after everything’s done we were asked to leave the arena immediately but you know me imma take as many pictures i cud, keeping dem memories bruhhh!

we had dinner with the 10Days team from SWM ’16 who went to Bali last year. we ate at this pizza place called Yellow Cab :3 good food with awesome and loving fransss <3 #reunited

after that we went for a coffee (not me) and played game cards there. one thing i’ve learned from the people there is that; they stay up late! hahaha we were still at that coffee shop over 11.30pm and people haven’t stopped coming in.

thought we stopped there? nope. we, well some of us, decided to go karaoke somewhere near the arena. but we were wrong. it was more than 4km, we walked for almost an hour i guess??? but then we didn’t karaoke after all cuz it was too late and the minimum use for the room was for 3 hours so. yep we walked back :) fun…

what a DAY. we got back in our apartment then directly went to bed.

Day 4 (last day)

we had plans with the Dionglays for that afternoon :3 we were sent an uber to go to the Every Nation building in BGC.

we were taken to the cafeteria as soon as we arrived. had lunch and then we were toured around the building, took pictures in front of the infamous world map and then sat in for a while in the prayer training. in that very prayer training, we got new friends and got a chance to partner up with them in prayer.

i personally loved the building, it’s like seeing the future! hahah everything is in its place and so organised. the atmosphere was so welcoming i didn’t want to go out :’)

but we did, we did few walks around the BGC and i started to realize that the EN building is literally surrounded by campuses and world embassies… was kinda speechless, it’s like God showed His obvious purpose for them to be placed there. <3

the rest of the day was funnnnn, we went to Market Market then had Philippines authentic cuisine for dinner. i enjoyed and loved every minute, it’s like reuniting with family.

went home with a full heart and tummy :3

and of course i didn’t go pack then sleep. i was legit polaroid photo hunting with Ems. didn’t go anywhere far, we went downstairs to the playground and pool area tryna get the best shots we could get. #lastnight #gottamakeitcount

packed then went to bed at around 1am? i forgot! x)

Day 5

going homeeee :(: flight was at 12noon, so we needed to be there at least at 9am.

yes, that was a Sunday. but church service was impossible to attend, so we did a mini worship & sharing sesh in the apartment before we took off.

our kuya managed to get us some friends to help us for our airport trip. didn’t pay attention to the ticket, we actually got off at the wrong airport terminal =)) i panicked cuz i can’t have anymore spontaneous adventures that time :’)))) but God made everything go smooth afterwards, we made it in time for check in and baggage drop.

our flight to KL was 1 hour delayed, so when we got in KL we didn’t get that long layover we expected. it was good but kinda disappointing(?) cuz we actually prepared few things to do while waiting at the KL airport =‘)) but the faster the better righttttt???!!

after flights for more than 5 hours in total, WE WERE FINALLY HOME <3 <3 <3 welcomed by our families, who were ready to hear what we’d experienced for the last 5 dayssss!

MY HEART IS FULL.

i can’t thank God enough for the opportunity for me to go there.

Manila is absolutely home away from home. everybody there is family whom i hold dear close in my heart <3

special shoutouts!

to the Salazars & the Dionglays for taking care of us there and managed everything to make sure we got back home safely.

to my fellow indonesian delegates; it was good to be with you guys again <3

to the 10Days team from Baguio, ate Rona, ate Sha, kuya Geoff, and Kneekie; thank you for slipping in time to reunite with us!

to the SWM16 10Days team; thank you for the delicious dinner and also tagging us along to your alumni reunion awww

to my ENC Pastor, my awesome uncle, Ps. Ari; for sending me <3

to my family for letting me do diz and made everything possible! IM SO GRATEFULLLLL <3

to Jj, Em and Ryan; LET’S CHANGE THE CAMPUS AND CHANGE THE WORLD.

have a sweet day.

xx,

Caramelly.

#thoughtsafterunashamed wheninPH MNLtrip2017 unashamed2017 itscaramelli caramellytravels

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sassyhottubstrawberry-blog · 7 years ago

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Best car insurance, in your opinion?

"Best car insurance, in your opinion?

I'm getting my car insured by myself for the first time and would appreciate any advice!!

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://saleinsurancequotes.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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Where is the cheapest place to get car insurance for a 17 year old male?

Leaving saga car insurance due to high renewal quote so would like to know another over 50's car insurer..?

I have just received his renewal quote which is around 90 a month more than last year and Saga claimed they do a price match guarantee. My circumstances are still they same as they was last year. Nothing has changed for me or the second driver on the policy. Any way I have been in contact with Saga for the past few days providing the details they requested for price match and they don't seem to want to price match the competitive quote I received from the co-operative car insurance. The quote is decent, cheaper than Saga even when I add on extras such as courtesy car and we have also provided details for them to log in and see the quote and all details they requested for themselves but for some reason they want to stick with their high renewal quote. Because of this I've decided to switch but before the switch we would like to know if there are any other insurers that would benefit me?""

Where can i buy cheap car insurance?

Hello. Im 18 years old and im looking to buy car insurance for a Vauxhall Corsa 1.2 sxi 60 plate costing about 8000. I passed my test last year April 2010 and have not driven any car so i have no NCB. Where can i get cheap car insurance for around 1000-1500?

Home Insurance Coverage In California?

We are new at purchasing the home insurance. (we plan to buy a house) We call the Progressive Insurance and request a quote for the house insurance And we also do some online quotes. All it cover basically the house part. We heard that they will cover the disability, life if spouse died the insurance gonna paid off the mortgage, unemployment they gonna paid for 1 year etc. Any idea or tips which insurance provide that? Thank You""

Massachusetts car insurance?

I recently heard that MA IS allowing competition with car insurance companies.. YAY! However, Geico and Allstate still don't provide insurance in the state. Progressive DOES. Does anyone else know of some GOOD, reputable (car) insurance companies in MA? THANKS! :-)""

Is it wrong to TTC without having medical insurance?

We've been married for more than 3 years now, I'm 27, we just bought a house and we both have decent jobs, we feel we're ready and is a good time in our lives (even though there's never a perfect time). The insurance issue is been stopping me from before, but I don't get it from my job and is very expensive to get it through his. Everyone says I automatically get medicaid, we don't make great money but we're not poor either, do we qualify? is it irresponsible from us to start without it? Also I'm a permanent resident, husband's american...I do pay taxes!""

What will the insurance be on a classic mustang in Texas?

Hello. Im about to get my first car, but i want a mustang. I am 16 yrs old. If u know the price leave a comment. Thanks""

What is the cheapest insurance if you have a DWI?

Transfering from Missouri where I have American Family. I am moving to Louisiana and American Family doesn't write there. I've only looked at progressive and they were pretty expensive, mass mutual wouldnt take an SR-22. Any suggestions?""

""Free/Cheap health insurance for low income in LONG ISLAND, NY?""

I am 19 years old and i go to school part time, so i am not able to get my moms insurance, and i also work but dont get insurance there either. I come from a low income family, so i ...show more""

How long is a quarter period in insurance?

My insurance says: Family coverage: $2,213 per quarter So how long is that? 3 months or what?""

GAP insurance with no Regular insurance?

I was in a wreck it want my fault,,the other party was sighted at the seen for making an unsafe left turn..I lapsed on my insurance for a week! His insurance is only going to pay ,5,000 for property damage..and I owe 22,000 on it,,,will the Gap Insurance I purchased thru the car company kick in at all?""

How much would i pay for car insurance?

How much would i pay for car Insurance for cheap car that cost me honda accord 2000,I am 28 Years old, never been in any accident,I got my license 8 years ago""

Named driver car insurance?

How much would it be for a 20 year old, 2 years passed, to be a named driver on a picanto 1 litre, with hastings direct, thanks""

About a car insurance..?

I've just got an instruction permit and wanna take a spin for the first time. But I'm concerned if it's ok to drive a car without my own insurance. The car is my mom's and I'm not sure the car itself is insured or she is.

How much will insurance cost for a 16 year old on a Mustang GT?

I work and I wanted to know how much will it cost we are currently on progressive insurance.

I need cheapest auto insurance?

I am 17 years old, and i need an auto insurance that costs around $100-150 per month. i cannot afford higher than that.""

Im 19 and need car insurance but im being quoted 9000 on a vauxhall corsa that's worth 500 any ideas?

basically most of the quotes im getting want me to pay 900 a month but the cars only worth 500 its a 1999 vauxhall corsa 1.2 does anyone know anyone that will even be reasonable with there pricing

I'm a first time driver and need an insurance company that is cheap! Any recomendations?

Passed my driving test today and I am looking for cheap insurance (like everyone else!) and I am hoping some wonderful people can help me out! I currently have a 1.25 ford fiesta from 2001. I am male, 17 years old and require my own policy. I appreciate any help :)""

Is proof of insurance required in California?

my accounting teacher challenged us and offered extra credit. He says liability insurance is not required in California and if i get pulled over and they ask for it, i can tell them that i'm only going to show license and registration and thats it. I can tell him legally i don't have to show proof of insurance. He was legitimate proof though. Help me prove him wrong please if he is indeed wrong. Thanks""

What is the cheapest car insurance in Minnesota?

I am a new driver, but I am 21 years old and my car is an old model ( Geo metro 1997)""

""Looking for a good first car, one with low insurance rates preferably?""

I just turned 16 and am currently in the market to buy a car. I am looking for something in the price range of around $2,000, possibly a small four cylinder pick up, or a japanese sedan. Does anyone have any sugestions for a good first car, and if any one has expeiriance with insurance can you tell me a price range of what I would be looking at for isurance, I have good grades and looking for a minnimum policy in Florida. Thanks if anyone can help me although I know I probably wont get much help with the insurance part.""

Is insurance required to buy a car?

I live in the state of Washington. I just turned 18 and obtained my driver's license. However, I have been driving for two years now without insurance and license :/ fortunately without any encounters with the law. Anyway, I want to buy my own car now, my first car, so I'm looking for something local on craigslist. My question is, is it required for one to have insurance in the state of Washington in order to buy a car? I've obviously never done this before so if you could explain how this works I would appreciate it. 1.) What exactly do I need to pay for besides the car? (license plates, registration?) and 2.) Do I need to have insurance? (or can I just pay the person for the car, get the paperwork, and it's done, because I can't afford insurance at the moment. Again I've never done this before). Thank you""

Best car insurance, in your opinion?

I'm getting my car insured by myself for the first time and would appreciate any advice!!

Car Insurance Problem Please Help!!!?

Hi everyone, somebody hit my car and drove off about 3 weeks ago. I phoned my insurance up and made a claim, the problem lies now on my son, who is the addtional driver and who hasnt been driving my car because he doesnt need to. The problem is that he has had drink driving conviction and no insurance conviction for about 3.5 years. Prudential my insurance company want to see my licence and his licence counterparts, BUT we completely forgot about the convictions etc. So now I have a problem where i think my insurance will be void but he doesnt drive the car nor was he involved in the accident. What happens now as they have requested both photocopies of our licences, is there a way out of this, thank you""

I need affordable health insurance! I need your advice.?

I'm a 23 year old male married to a 22 year old female. Both are struggling to make ends meet in school although we have been frugal in our savings. Lately I have felt impressed to purchase health insurance yet I haven't the slightest idea to begin. We both attend a University that offers a insurance policy - I'm not sure how reliable it is though - here is the link - http://www.usu.edu/health/insurance/ (click brochure). 4 and 1/2 years ago I began suffering from the effects of OCD. It's been a complected process for me and I have had to depend heavily on prescription medications. I also have concerns for my wife in the case that we conceive - we need to be able to afford bills that would come as a result of hospitalization. This is one of the limited options I have researched and I realize there are many people out there with vast experience in this field. Your professional experience or even experience you've gained from going through the same things would be greatly appreciated! Thank you

I live in CA and want to know How much $$$ to pay for insurance if i get a sports car?

I am getting my permit in 2 months and i am getting the Toyota MR2 Spyder. How much do i have to pay for the insurance? i heard that it costs more because its a sports car.

How much would car insurance be for a used 2006 subaru impreza 2.5i wagon or a used 2003-2004 honda civic ex

im turning 18 and im thinkin about buyin either a 2006 subaru impreza 2.5 wagon or a 2003-2004 honda civic i wanted to check how much they would cost for insurance for either one im 18 i live in california first time insured thanks very much

Is my insurance company responsible !?

I recently submitted a claim to my insurance company an it was rejected . At some point during some severe weather something struck our roof causing water to enter . The rain water caused the sheetrock ceiling to crack and start to collapse . We were told by our insurance provider that this was caused by a manufacturer defect . The manufacturer checked the damage and disagrees . I also disagree being that we have lived in the home for four years and this the first appearance of water . what should I do next ? I have already submitted statements from the manufacturer . The insurance company has also declined to renew our policy because of the damage .

Massachusetts Health insurance?

I am in fifties and currently living in California. Due to the California high cost of medical insurance, My wife and I are thinking of moving to Massachusetts state, get a small home there and retire there eventually. The reason that we are thinking about is that we overheard Massachusetts have a much lower health insurance cost ($50/month ?). Please advise us if you are currently living in Massachusetts state or other states that have less expensive health care insurance and housing cost. You advise is greatly appreciated. Jo""

Becoming car insured in Ontario?

Recently I just acquired my G2. I am an almost-17 year old male, and I wanted to try to clear up a few questions about insurance before going to get some quotes. Firstly, would it be possible for me to have my own separate policy? With my own car - that's how my dad wants it apparently... I know it would be expensive..but I would probably end up choosing only liability coverage. Secondly, would it be possible to somehow prove to the insurance company that I am more responsible than the average stereotypical 17 year old male in hopes of lowering insurance? For example, can high school marks play a factor? I've heard about something like this, although I don't know if it applies to our provincial policies. I know the other factors, such as having a 4 door used sedan, in-class driving course etc. can also help lower the cost. All help is appreciated, thanks!""

Does passing on shoulder make insurance go up?

If you get a ticket that accuses you of passing on the shoulder, would that add points to your record and make insurance go up like a speeding ticket?""

How much will my insurance go up?

Had an accident which insurance said its my fault both cars been write off third party cars worth 10k mine 6 k I pay 2 grand a year now how much will it go up at renewal?

Which of these is the correct Republican opposition to universal healthcare?

A. The government can't run anything right B. Government-run healthcare will be too successful, and private insurance companies won't be able to compete As with the Obama is simultaneously a Muslim, a Radical Black Christian, and Godless Communist argument, sooner or later you are going to have to pick one and go with it...at least in this place some of us like to call reality ...""

What car insurance company has the policy that you insure on person but anyone can drive it and be insured?

Can I rent a car without insurance in Texas?

I haven't had a car for awhile but manage to get around easily. However my main ride source goes out of town for a month on Tuesday. I booked a rental through Enterprise online for use until main ride returns. Having not owned a car for awhile, I have no insurance, so my question is: will enterprise still allow me the rental without having personal insurance? I know they have insurance to purchase at time of rental, but I need to know if I will be denied rental without my own insurance. Please know what your talking about and be sure of your answer! It's very frustrating when people who don't know the answer respond with inaccurate information.""

Will my car insurance go up if the accident is not my fault?

if i get into a car accident that is completely not my fault, and the other person pays for the damages through his insurance company, will my insurance premium go up too? thx!""

Can I drive my new used car without insurance for 30 days?

I just bought a new used car today. I have insurance on my old car still (in my mom's name). Does that insurance cover my new car (in my name) for a bit do you think? Or should I just not drive it at all until i get it insured?

Is motorcycle insurance manditory in california?

if you own the bike?

Why is michigan car insurance so high?

I am a 21 year old female with no little credit but I have no bad credit. I rent an apartment and pay all my bills on time. I have a 2004 monte carlo ss that I paid 3500 for. This is ...show more

Emancipated 16 year old car insurance help?

I am currently living with my parents and am soon to be emancipated. I was looking at some geico quotes, turned out for minimal coverage was 475$ per month. This was outragous and obviously way to much for any one to be able to afford. To have the type of coverage i would like was 10,000$ per year, the numbers were staggering. Anyway my question is it possible to get insurance at 16 years old on your own for a resonable price. If so with what car insurance company. I have a 3.0 and a perfect driving record, i do drive a camero z28 so i understand its going to be a little higher than average.... thanks, zach""

Approximately how much will my auto insurance go down?

I have always been told that when I turn 25 my auto insurance should decrease significantly, I was wondering if someone can give me an idea or (if you dont mind) let me know what you were paying <25 and what your paying now at 25>. As of now I am paying $350 a month for full coverage on two vehicles (with two speeding tickets on my record at the moment at 23 years old, one will definitely be off by 25, the other one will be close, (assuming I get no more) I am going through Farmers Insurance. Does anyone have a rough idea of what I have to look forward to my 25th Birthday as a subnote I know this is being planned much ahead of time, me and the lady are considering moving out of our apartment, I want to have a very thorough knowledge of what my financial future will look like before pulling the trigger on anything. Expect wthin the year posts from me on moving business =D All constructive answers are appreciated.""

Periodontal Insurance in Iowa?

I have major gum resession and I need a transplant, which means I need to visit a peridontist. Problem is, I can't find one in Iowa that takes my insurance. (Hawk-i) I really need the surgery and I've been searching for months and haven't had any luck. Please, someone help me out, please.""

State Disability Insurance in California?

I was laid off in December (company went under) and in March I got pregnant. I have not found a permanent job and at this point am not going to try - who's going to hire a pregnant woman, right? I am receiving unemployment which will be running out in a few weeks and I'm thinking about working for a temp agency until the baby is born to bring in some money. Does anyone know if I am working temp can I collect State Disability Insurance once the doctor tells me no more working? I'm really pissed...worked all those years and now I may not be able to collect through no fault of my own. Any help is appreciated. I think if I'm not working at all I can't collect but not sure. Thanks.""

""Could $5,000 cover the healthcare insurance premium for a family?""

If McCain's credit becomes reality, doesn't it seem logical that a major healthcare provider would put together an affordable health insurance package for the credit amount and market the heck out of it? Obviously, it won't have all the bells and whistles, but people would be covered. There is the issue of the tax on the premium, but it still seems like a good idea. This link was interesting - it describes both plans clearly: http://money.cnn.com/2008/03/10/news/economy/tully_healthcare.fortune/""

Why are insurance companies getting blamed for dropping coverage?

when it was because of the regulations in the patient protection and affordable care act that ended these plans?

I have Kansas Progressive Auto insurance. Will my insurance drop when I turn 25? And if so approx how much?

Any answers pertaining to age 25 &/or the state of KS is helpful. I can't find anything on Progressive relating to age & insurance rates. Thanks!

Dollar general insurance rates. are we getting screwed?

how much would a manager at dollar general have to pay for comany insurance? 3 children covered, no heath probems. living in missouri i think my fiance is getting screwd by his ex wife and i think he is paying for her on the insurance with the boys. he pays an extra 300 a month suposedly just for the boys insurance. please help!""

Insulin and car insurance?

a friend of mine has just been put onto insulin, will this effect the cost of her car insurance?""

Best car insurance, in your opinion?

I'm getting my car insured by myself for the first time and would appreciate any advice!!

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-much-does-cost-become-driver-uk-lurdes-beach"

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