#and its partly something weird my brain does when its mentally ill

[floorpancakes]

im built a bit weird so even though this is mostly a holic side account and i talk about holic all the time if i see something holic related on my for you page my brain jiggles around like a gummy worm and cant process it at all

[jayalaw]

Brooklyn Nine Nine: The Heist Aftermath (Spoilers)

@ashleybenlove

It was normal for Jake to be late. The 99 knew that. He had gotten better about it, however, after marrying Amy. That was why what she said surprised them.

"Jake's not coming in today," Amy said, using the same voice she did when having to tell Holt that a murder suspect had lawyered up and gotten away without confessing. "He had to go to the hospital."

"What?" Boyle stood up. "Did he get injured? Is he sick? I'll donate my kidneys if he needs them."

"He's sick," Amy said. "But no, he doesn't need a kidney."

"We can donate fingers," Rosa said. "Or any limbs. I know a guy."

"Okay, that's creepy and he doesn't need fingers." Amy walked towards her desk.

"Which hospital is it?" Scully asked. "I can recommend twenty to thirty doctors at the Brooklyn University Center. They love writing papers about me."

"He's at Interfaith Medical." Amy plastered a smile on her face. "He won't be ready for visitors for a while. He's sick but doesn't have a life-threatening injury."

"Jake never ready for visitors?" Holt's office door was open. "Peralta in my experience always craves attention and people."

Amy's lips fluttered; the 99 knew that was a sign for her swallowing a swear word. That and Holt coming out of his office for something this trivial.

"With all due respect, sir, I can't disclose that," she said.

"Oh my God." Holt's voice dropped. "Santiago. In my office."

Amy followed, eyes wide. She walked in, and Holt shut the door behind him. Then, reaching his desk, he pressed a button on his computer. Loud country music played.

"Brad Paisley?" Amy asked.

"He is quite muffling." Holy sat down. "Peralta had a breakdown, didn't he?"

"Dammit!" Amy exclaimed. "Sorry, sir, how did you-?"

"Please sit." The captain gestured. "Word will get around in the office, but I need to know how to cover for him."  

Amy sat.

"Jake never misses work and he would arrive even with a broken bone," Holt said. "He doesn't need surgery because you said his injury wasn't life-threatening but he is sick enough to go to the hospital. If he had an illness like mumps then he would be stir-crazy, and I know that from my experience. So the process of elimination said it was a mental health issue."

She wanted to bury her face in her hands. Holt leaned forward, as if he wanted to comfort her.

"You need to tell me everything."

#

Amy wanted to say it started with little things. Jake started making copies of grocery lists, double-checking them, and insisting on going alone. He said he wanted to ensure they had a well-stocked fridge.

It had all seemed great. Normally Jake considered a box of muffins equivalent to groceries for the week. Amy always made triple-copies of grocery lists and had an app for coupons. Things were getting weird, however, when he started locking up case files and wore the key around his neck. Sometimes Amy caught him staring at her out of the corner of his eye, and not with his usual devotion.

Then he stopped talking to her about cases unless they were working on it together. He would ask about how she was feeling with the baby but never disclosing his thoughts on the latest game. Sometimes he'd pick up Sudoku and blackout the answers with a Sharpie. One time Amy even noticed he had bought a temporary burner phone. She was worried he had been asked to go undercover again.

"I can't confirm or deny," he'd say.

"Jake, you're not a lawyer," Amy replied. "This is really freaking me out. You're not this organized. Please tell me you're not being forced back into the mob."

"No, nothing like that. I just don't want to be vulnerable in time for the next heist," he'd say, in a joking tone. "After all, you did hire someone to be my therapist just when I was making progress with my life."

That had ended the conversation for the night. Amy had tried to justify her trick as a means to an end. But she noticed how the circles grew under Jake's eyes, heard him shuffling to the couch rather than sleeping next to her. When they had sex, he was much quieter. No talking about Die Hard or playing ping pong. He would get her pillows and tea to support her morning sickness.

Then one day, Jake took a Saturday off. Normally he went into the 99 looking for a case. Amy knew he wasn't there, though; he left her a note saying he scheduled a doctor's appointment, but writing five different hospitals on various Post-Its. All were covered by their work insurance.  

Jake had actually read their health insurance plan through and through. That's when Amy realized something was wrong. Jake pretended he never got sick or needed to go to the dentist. She did a little detective work, only to find that she couldn't find Jake's phone or computer. Later, she'd find out he put them in a safety deposit box. The key was mailed to Boyle, who guarded it with his life.

By the time she figured out which hospital it was, Jake had committed himself. He said he didn't want to see his wife, the nurses reported to a stricken Amy, and he had gotten the histories of all the psych doctors to ensure none of them were actresses. Amy had to speak with the doctor, who explained Jake had developed a dysfunctional paranoia. It was likely a sign of PTSD. He was also cross-examining the doctors as they prescribed pills and talked to him.

She spent all night in the hospital waiting room, desiring an answer. That was awful. So was having to answer questions about her husband's medical history and any potential allergies. The worst part, however, was remembering how much she had paid that actress. That money could have been spent for a better cause.

#

"I'm taking as many gifts to Jake as possible." Boyle showed off the basket. "Who doesn't love blue cheese and rock crackers?"

"Everyone," Amy said. "You need to check with the doctors to make sure he can receive all of that. Until he's not a danger to himself."

They were in the evidence room. They were working the night shift. Amy didn't want to go to her apartment alone.

"Well, a bit of paranoia never killed anyone." Boyle gave a chuckle. "Eleanor would always threaten that if I got remarried she would stalk me and ensure I would never find happiness. But I'm still here!"

"That's not reassuring." Nevertheless, Amy stroked the bow on the gift basket. "I'll be sure to drop it off for him."

"You know if you drop it off, Jake will give it to the orderlies and members in group."

"I'll tell him it's from you." Amy undid the bow. "Just need to take the chocolate because that I need."

"I don't think Jake trusts you anymore," Boyle said bluntly. "He doesn't trust anyone in the 99 except for me."

He fixed the bow in the gift basket. It crinkled under his fingertips.

"Did you have to say that?" Amy said.

"I'm his friend, Amy. I have to defend him. The therapist prank was not cool."

"Do you think I don't feel guilty about this?" Amy asked. "You think I want to see my brilliant husband locked in a room where they only give him meds that wipe out his brain and one crossword at a time? He's a Sudoku expert!"

"Jake actually is more of a Kwazy Krush guy," Boyle corrected her. "He just can't play it because they don't allow cell phones or laptops in the psych ward."

"That's not the point." Amy took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. It's always been heist stuff. I know I went too far. But how can I get him to trust me again?"

"Show him that you're worth trusting," Boyle said. "And wait for him to recover. Ultimately, I know you're sorry, but does he know? Can he trust his mind when it tells you that you won't betray him again?"

Amy had no answer. Jake had stopped trusting her. He stopped trusting himself. And it was her fault.

#

Life went on at the precinct. The detectives solved cases. Perps tried to break out. Holt interviewed potential assistants and screened them for spies.

It wasn't the same, though. Holt pulled all his strings to make sure no one outside the 99 knew about Jake's breakdown. Everyone tried to visit him, but he was curt with most of them except for Boyle. Jake's tone changed as a cop interrogating a suspect, not a man among his friends. Rosa offered to smuggle him a knife and Jake told her bluntly why that would be a bad idea. Terry brought drawings from the girls. Jake took them and asked casually if Cagney and Lacey knew that Terry had faked an explosion to win the heist. Hitchcock was banned from the hospital after he sneaked into the ladies' bathroom, and Scully got distracted ball the new doctors  he could befriend.

Holt sent Kevin, stuffing him full of Nick Cage quotes. It was a peace offering. Jake talked to Kevin about Greek literature -- he even received some books from the man-- but treated Holt the way he treated tuxedos. There was formality tinged with distrust. Holt was wary as well, perhaps feeling guilt over how off-the-rails things went.

Jake was still not talking to Amy, apart to ask how she was feeling with the baby. Amy wondered if the nausea was from morning sickness or the stress. She started seeing a counselor at the hospital, to try and process her feelings.

He wasn't opening himself up to anyone. Even Boyle mentioned he was out of his depth. Being a best friend and former wedding organizer did not prepare him, but he tried his best. Jake was paranoid that every single action was for the next heist or deception. His doctors weren't allowed to talk therapy sessions or medications with Amy. There was no way she could advocate for him. Jake had given himself to the medical system. And they knew the 99 was partly to blame.

Everyone was waiting. It wasn't like when he was undercover, and they only had to worry about his life. He was a few blocks away, fighting with something they couldn't see.

Finally, their captain called a meeting. They gathered in the conference room.

"The good news is that Jake should be back to work in a week," Holt said.

A cheer went around. Amy already knew, but the precinct had largely not been talking about it. Jake had finally talked to her when as an apology gift she smuggled in John McClane's favorite choice of alcohol. He wasn't allowed to drink with the meds, but it was the first time he had laughed during her visits. He still had to see the therapists at the hospital as a regular patient, however, and they recommended the two see a marriage counselor, whom they could verify was not an actor. Jake was still filling prescriptions for Klonopin so he could sleep. Amy knew they were addictive but she didn't want them to lie awake at night together.

"He's taking desk work, at his request. Boyle and Jeffords will be supervising him to make sure all is well."

"I can't wait for the guy to store food in his desk to rot," Rosa said.

"I'm practicing for when Jake will leap into my arms," Terry said.

"Now for the bad news; we are suspending the Halloween Heist indefinitely," Holt announced.

"WHAT?!" the detectives said.

"You heard me." Holt leaned forward. "Until further notice, we will spend Halloween the way we have before, with no competition and lots of paperwork on the busiest night of the year."

"But it's tradition!" Rosa said.

"You don't even know if the heist caused Jake's illness!" Amy protested.

"Where else will we prove ourselves?" Hitchcock asked.

"Aww, I wanted to show Jake I would always be by his side!" Boyle said.

"I think you're finally showing sense, Sir."

That brought all the protests to a halt. The silence in the room was deafening. Only Terry looked relieved if a little guilty.

"Who said that?" Holt asked.

"I'm Officer Gusman," the woman in the back said. "Been a uniformed police officer for a few years."  

"Who are you?" Rosa asked with disgust.

"I've been working with Detective Lohank," Gusman said. "You normally don't see us because we're on the night shift."

"And you think to stop the heist is finally showing sense?" Rosa said, an edge in her voice. "Are you questioning the Captain's authority?"

The woman went pale. Then Detective Lohank stood up.

"Office Gusman and I completely agree," he said. "You've all gone too far with your plans and need to one-up each other."

"We've been watching this heist go on for years," Gusman said. "The rest of us stay out of it because while you are doing your Halloween shenanigans, we are busy trying to do our jobs and be decent human beings. But you can't even make it harmless. We have to dodge your drones, keep from stepping on broken glass, and witness pickpocketing in real-time. You've stolen dogs, for crying out loud!"

Amy went red. She had stolen Holt's dog, despite being deathly allergic. It hadn't been her proudest moment.

"One thing this precinct has taught me is that you are only as good as the people around you," Lohank added. "I've seen you all work as a team. But every time this happens, you all work to tear each other apart. And for what? To be called a 'detective slash genius'?"

He made air quotations.

"Uh-oh, he never does that," Rosa said. "He's serious."

"Sir, you are a great Captain, and I think you could be the greatest," Gusman said. "But your pettiness is infecting the rest of the group and drove one of our best detectives to a nervous breakdown. Yes, we know; we're not stupid."

"It's actually PTSD manifesting," Amy said in a small voice.

"Whatever it is, why do you feel the need to destroy each other on what's supposed to be a night of fun?" Lohan asked. "Someone's going to die for real during a heist and you'll be too concerned about winning to notice. That's not what a detective represents. We are made to serve and protect."

"Detective-" Holt started.

"You don't check yourself into a hospital because you have a problem. Jake checked himself in because he wanted to get better. But why did he need that in the first place?"

"Okay, that will do, Detective," Terry interjected. "You've made your point. No Halloween Heist this year."

"Dismissed," Holt said.

The 99 stood up. Rosa kept sitting. She had won the heist three times that year, and mocked Jake for his innermost secrets.

"Lohank, you surprised me today," she said. "Well done."

"I may not be the best detective, but I'm still a detective," Lohank said. "Jake's a good guy. Do us all a favor and treat him like that. Enjoy the prize."

He walked off. Rosa didn't move. Amy went over to her. Rather, she waddled because her baby fat was showing.

"Jake and I are setting boundaries," she said. "We've agreed no more pranks, and I am not interfering in his mental health plans or therapists. I am not touching any of his medicines or giving him any gifts with tasers in them. And I've color-coded notes to help with reminders and showing he can trust me. I think we may actually recover."

"Sounds great," Rosa said sarcastically. "But it won't be the same."

"It won't," Amy admitted. "But we have to try and make something out of it."

She pulled out the book of Sudoku. Jake had left it in the apartment, most of his answers blacked out. There were still a few pages he hadn't completed.

Amy would give him the book, and let him do the last pages privately. No sabotages, no need to tell him the answers, just space. And no more pranks related to the stuff inside your head or with Tasers. She could commit to that. If Jake wanted to get better, then she had to make the effort.

[too-tierd-to-exist]

*concludes that I don't have a sort of crush on someone anymore*

few weeks later

*has a good conversation with them about moralities and personal things*

realization

ah fuck I still like em like that.

the only reason I forgot in the first place was cause we had not had a deeper conversation like that. I honestly think it is because they stopped being up late. Cause of timezones there was a period of time where late-night "deep" conversations couldn't happen cause when it's never later than 6 or 7 you can't get there mentally. or at least I know that I can't. I feel like my anxiety is less bad at night because my body has less energy to be anxious. The lack of anxiety is what causes me to open up more at night. Since conversations similar to this were happening less and less is what caused me the get over it more or less. The reason I like em is cause I like who they and these types of things show what they truly think and who they are. In a way, I lost sight of this part of who they are as a person which honestly sucks. I would only see their casual day to day (who id like to add I still like), but with only seeing that I forgot what caused me to like them in that matter in the first place. Since I remembered all of this I'm right back down the rabbit hole of oh shit I think I like them. And honestly, I don't know how I feel about that. I don't know if they'd like me in that way or if id even want to date them for that matter. This whole mess has caused much confusion. Part of the reason for my hesitancy is that even tho its not the most practical thing to do I can't help to think long term. They live far away for one which isn't an issue in itself, I just don't know how I'd deal with not being able to see someone in person while dating. Though if we would date odds are it wouldn't be forever, the fact that they have no proper plan or goal makes me nervous. I know that shouldn't be the most important thing considering we're teenagers, but subconsciously my brain is saying "oh no don't date them they have no future" which is something that shouldn't be so important to me as a 16 year old. Writing it out and seeing it in text does quite make it better or worse. I do think it has helped in some way. it kinda made me feel better about it and I more clearly feel that yes I do like him and yes i.. wait shit. I almost forgot about my actual fucking partner. one who I love so dearly with all of my heart. I wouldn't know what id do without them. now that I've taken a second to tangent back to where I was. how would that affect us? especially since that their already their partner. it wouldn't be bad, it's sure as hell would be different, and I don't know if I would want any change with our relationship. Im so incredibly happy with how our relationship currently is I don't know if I would want anything about it to change. I know change happens and I can accept it and what comes with it the only thing is that this would be brought on voluntarily with the knowledge that this would change something. and I don't know if I would want to bring that upon myself and especially Miki. this would not be a bad change I do know that. its just the difference I don't know if I would want that. it may not be great and I know all change has its risks, but I don't know if this one would be worth it. itd be one hell of a conversation to have with them, and I don't know how to approach them or if I even want to. This is not to say that id does this behind their back, id never do that. its just the process as a whole I guess just kind of scares me. I guess one thing I could do is just say changes that would most likely happen if dating were to occur, I think when it is just me and Miki together nothing would change much, at least I don't think so. so with the three of us I guess.. now that I think about it not a ton would change in that manner as well huh. I defiantly talk to him more one on one but that'd be a good thing. hmm, maybe I should have written this down sooner. I've been overthinking it yet not thinking into it at the same time. well, that's hell. I guess the last and in a way, the most important factor would be if he likes me in that way. There's no easy way to tell. To be frank I haven't seen him interact with good friends of his

that he would even think about dating. Most people he's already dating, not close to at all, or it would be weird/inappropriate to date. Making it so I have no reference with how our interaction would differ from most. Honestly, best case scenario, he admits how he feels about me, but that's a chance thing for sure. I guess if I don't feel like I can outright say it the best way to find out about how he feels would be to try to get him to say things that would imply how he feels about me. Hopefully away from a joking manner cause, ya know jokes lol. There is a solid chance I'm gonna end up staring at my ceiling thinking about this tonight. Now that I think about it, it's kinda ironic that the conversation I had early tonight with him my partner and someone who I just met today who I'm really just eh about is partly what sparked this again. The whole in a way you get to know someone the most authentically through the internet. I am saying this only when the relationship is based on talking through voice calls over a longer period of time. You get to know someone for their personality, opinions, beliefs, and thoughts without the first impressions of their appearance. You take into consideration their appearance much less and to make that strong a bond with someone without even touching them really says something about how strong that relationship is. That's why I'm hesitant to people at first. You can't tell who they really are till you know them better. and then and only then will I trust them. After that trust exists me opening up happens more or less by chance. it depends on my mood, people around, amount of people around, and the current topic. This is cause unless something is greatly bothering me I just tend to not talk about it. Which I'm aware isn't the best and I think I'm working on it. I am going to therapy for that matter. And he is one of those people who I do trust. He's someone that I can just be in a VC with only the two of us and not feel anxious. I trust him and I feel like he's someone I can always be honest with. It's almost ironic that I feel all of this yet I'm not telling him. I hope that one day something will occur between the two of us. I kinda want to tell him now. With all of it written down, I feel more secure with how I feel and more organized and clear mentally. The only thing is I should probably talk to Miki first. and I don't know how id do that. I don't even know if I told them I might be poly. god, that conversation makes me more nervous than the act of actually fucking telling him I like him. oh shit, I just realized if he doesn't know I could be poly would he even tell me if he likes me? eh who knows, I sure as hell know I don't. I'm debating on putting the name of the blog hidden in my bio. In a backward way, I want someone to see this and I know at this moment in time there is quite literally no way for someone to find it. You know what I'm gonna put it there for now and a few days later ill freak out and take it back out. Well, I think that's it for tonight. pheww

[idiothund]

nobody has ever cared, nobody cares about anyone and especially me. I thought they did, I thought something was wrong in my brain for feeling unloved but it’s really just the truth. And I’m not saying this cuz “woe is me I’m sad so all my feelings are the truth.”

I mean... that’s partly whats happening ofc. But I’ve also been thinking this for a while. And it’s a very dangerous thought.

My family has done a lot for me. Especially when I first showed signs of mental illness. My mom has always believed in being proactive so basically I’ve been going to therapy, psychologists, psychiatrists, my whole life up until 7 months ago. They always accept me, I’m not afraid of being kicked out or left to support myself, but... they only love me for what I can give them. And not physically give them, but mentally, and how I can support her ego of being the best parent. I’m smart in ways my mom isn’t and she wants me to be successful. And I know - she is 100000% better than some moms and she tries but... she doesn’t love me for me. And I suppose this is the conundrum of parenthood, because you love your child as your child, not because of the human they are. And once your child isn’t a child you’re both in a weird dimension.

But like... I’m just doing worse and worse and worse. And she thinks she can buy my mind back via therapy and psychs and bullshit treatment. And then everything goes wayyyy to far for her to handle and I’m being sent away to residential again because THAT is going to help huh...

But it never helps. I’m not insane but im not sane enough for this world. My last residential I just played the therapists. I know exactly what to say. “We know when you’re lying/just saying things to say them” pffff I got out of one program in 4 days for saying all the right things, then a week later ended up in a hospital again. I think it’s my superpower, I always know how to read therapists & they never once have doubted what I said. I also can get almost any diagnosis that I want. I convinced a hospital that I was only suicidal because I was anorexic - even though I’ve never been anorexic. I even went to an ED program (I didn’t want too, but it was only outpatient so better than another residential for being suicidal) IG Something about me reads that I’m innocent or something. I think my aura of sadness is just overpowering so I’m believable.

Anyways. I can’t think of the last time my mom has asked how I’m doing. Lmao I know it comes off as complaining. But I never thought of this until now. I guess I am complaining. But shes been nagging me about everything, EVERYTHING lately. I’ve been planning my suicide for about ~2 months now (no, I don’t have a date picked or any melodramatic gay crap.) I’ve known for a few years that my life will end at my own hands, but it’s starting to seem like that time will be sooner than later. I’m not sad or anything, I just have a plan. But anyways... I was thinking the other night how I’ve been decently functional & my mom assumes I’m mentally a-okay, but she always does unless I’m popping pills or slitting my wrists in front of her face. She never asks me how I’m doing. And then I got kinda sad, because I think I’d be honest if someone asked me, sincerely, how I’m doing. I’d say I’m doing really bad, and that’s not unusual for me. And they’d probably pry cuz humans are nosy, but I’d appreciate it. And I’d tell them I appreciate their care and support. And damn that would feel good.

I don’t expect any of my friends to ask because I never talk about it. Most of em know about my hospitalizations/residentials but only vaguely. And they’re just my friends. And I’ve never talked about it (or at least seriously & in-depth, I joke) so it would be weird for them to ask.

Although... I wish my best friend did. Doesn’t help that I’m in love w/ him but whatever. If he asked sincerely how I was doing, & if I’m okay, I’d feel very happy in the moment & it would keep a part of me in reality. I’ve never had a real relationship w/ someone I loved. I’ve had FWBs and one-night stuff and holiday flings but, I’ve never been mentally close to anyone. I know that is my fault though.

Wow this is getting weird but that’s what this blog is for for me.

Maybe I do just want someone to ask me how I’m doing. Maybe I’m a suicidal cliche. And people will be right when I die and they think “if I told him I loved him & asked him how his day was, maybe he’d be alive” and that thought makes me want to throw up. Because this is just how life is. Everyone is in their own head and obsessed w/ themselves, and its natural and okay and FINE. But some people like me are weak, and when we understand we are truly unloved our hearts clench and it feels like I’m stuck.