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mitchywitchythings · 2 years ago

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Red Is All I Can See

Summary: Life is unfair. That’s what you’ve always known, so you fought back against it. Which leads you to where you are now, on a battlefield with people you’ve only known for a while. Will you be able to save everyone or will it all end in a massacre?

Warnings: Blood, Violence, Language, Gore, Angst, Death, and Timeline is messed up

Trope: Crossover/Alternative Universe(AU)

Paring: Todoroki Shoto X Fem! Reader

Word count: 8,364 Words

Chapter 3 : | Series Masterlist

Bang!

3 more bullets were shot into the beast. It roared in pain for the last time before I dropped the gun and shoved it back to the ponytailed girl. She let out an oof at the harsh impact, almost falling down had she not been caught by the earphone-jacked girl.

“Hey, watch it! She could have gotten hurt, you’re just doing more damage than fixing it!” The violet-haired girl yelled out

“Is that so, well I’d like to see you try killing off all these monsters!” I retorted rudely back at her, seriously I was only trying to help, “Todoroki hang on! I’m coming!”

“I am hanging on!” Quite literally he was dangling upside down from the monster's grip

“Why don’t you just freeze it, you pussy?!” I screamed In frustration, throwing one of my blades at another titan who again was trying to devour my classmate.

My question clearly wasn’t rhetorical yet Todoroki never answered back. It was confusing, to say the least. One minute he was trying to literally freeze me to death or burn me alive and now he can’t even accomplish just freezing a single titan?! Seriously, you’ve gotta be freaking kidding me!

If his conscience couldn’t handle the fact that he would be technically freezing a poor innocent police officer or even a civilian who just so happened to get caught up in this war so he got turned into a titan, then he should have just frozen the titan's whole face or just even its mouth! It’s that simple of a solution! No need for bloodshed if he can’t take the guilt!

And even if the titan would rip the ice off of his mouth/whole face, right after he froze it. He would still have had a diversion! A means of escape! Something must be wrong if he didn’t do it. He isn’t dumb, that’s for sure. In fact, he’s like I don’t know, the top 5 in the class in terms of his IQ, I believe. Didn’t really keep track of that since it wasn’t necessary.

Though his IQ is high, do not ask about his EQ. We all know that he has some sort of trauma and/or issue. Plus he’s also very dense. Finally reaching the damned boy, I cut off the titan's fingers, effectively freeing Todoroki from its nasty clutches. I did it so quickly it didn’t have time to regenerate its eyes and all of the places I shot at(It was in its face).

Grabbing the dual-haired boy who was still convinced that I am the mastermind villain throughout all these events before he could fall. He wrapped one arm over my shoulder holding it tightly to make sure he doesn’t fall off, while I wrapped one arm around his waist.

If this situation wasn’t awkward enough, to begin with from the close proximity alone, but the fact that I had to hold tightly onto him or the consequences would be severe. Ending in a pancake Todoroki with ketchup and not syrup surrounding his corpse. I turned my head to look him in the eyes.

I was shocked. Never had I ever seen Todoroki’s face hold so much confusion and desperation as of now. His turquoise and ash grey eyes bloomed with so many mixed emotions, not only confusion and desperation. But fury, hurt, sadness, frustration, and tears. Yes, his face looked even more confused than he had been at the sports festival.

But the moment I saw tears dripping down his face, I knew that at that point and moment, I knew something was wrong. Terribly wrong, not for me per se but for poor Shoto. I had personally never seen him cry. And boy was I glad I hadn’t because fucking Hell was it so awkward. It was even more awkward and uncomfortable due to our close proximity.

I didn’t know anything about how to comfort the poor boy and I’m certainly not going to use Levi’s method of destressing and calming himself, which is cleaning everything until it was spotless of course. If it wasn’t obvious enough, what else would it have been? Spending time with me and Mikasa as a family though distant?

Nuh-uh! I mean I have noticed that he’s kinder to me and Mikasa but that doesn’t mean shit. He cares about all of his soldiers and that final. I shook my head, so many things are going on around me but I keep on getting lost in my train of thoughts.

That isn’t good, to say the least. Not good at all. Setting Todoroki down with everyone who was busy trying to fight off the titans, well more like distract them since their quirks didn’t do shit to the damned beasts.

“Shoto? May I call you, Shoto?” I asked in worry, turning his head to face me, by the chin.

‘Ah shit, way to go me. I spoke before I could even think. Too late to back out now, best get on his good side then. Even if he doesn’t believe me, I still gotta try or I’ll die trying!’ I mentally cursed at myself for getting in an awkward position.

‘Yeah sure we’re wasting time but we’ve never actually talked before unless it’s for school. Best get it off of the bucket list before we’re all inevitably killed in this stupid war. Plus can’t I just get a single good conversation through this war? Is it that much of a crime? And yes I know my classmates are dying but give me a damn second.’

“It’s Todoroki to you. Respect my name.” He replied coldly, turning his head harshly from my grasp.

“Look we got on the bad foot. I know I may not be trustworthy but give me a chance. I have never done anything wrong to any of you since we’ve been classmates these past few months.” I replied coolly, practically saying to everyone who was fighting for their lives to fuck off for a second and let me have this moment.

“Look I guess we did get off on the bad foot but I’m not going to trust you! So what we’ve been classmates for the past few months! I’m still not letting you off the hook, villain!” He yelled in frustration, squeezing both of my shoulders tightly.

“I think you should reconsider. I’ve heard rumors that before the sports festival you acted like your father. And we all practically know how much he’s like a villain if it wasn’t for the lives he saves. In fact, you don’t seem too good, Shoto. Now I’m not saying this to get on your bad side. I’m just saying that you haven’t seen my side of the story. So don’t judge the book by its cover. Because I don’t go doing that to you or would you, like me too? That can be easily arranged if you wish.” I turned his head again like before, though this time I wiped off the tears from his face with my sleeves, “Keep this in mind Shoto. Villains are made, not born.” My speech left him absolutely speechless, though despite that tears kept flowing down his face.

“I’m so so-sorry…” He let out a hiccup, “I couldn’t do it, I risked not only my life but yours as well… I couldn’t do it, I just couldn’t. It's just…” He looked like he was on the verge of breaking down, making me think he saw something that triggered him so he paused to take a minute to recover, “We’re wasting time! Everyone’s dying around us! Let’s get back to this later!” His heart was frosted over ice once more, so he scoffed and grabbed my hand.

He pulled me towards another damn titan. By now Yaoyorozu had made guns and passed them all around. Now we’re talking! Finally! We were able to fight back against these monsters! It was ironic it seems, we’re supposed to be people who save other people such as civilians and such yet we’re the ones who are in desperate need of help and like fast.

Creati after some point got super tired of making the guns and the bullets for them. She overworked herself and pushed over her limits. Now she’s practically useless and a dead weight. Her girlfriend, Jirou is currently carrying her on her back despite being practically more petite than her.

The boys would have carried her had they not been busy trying to save their own lives before they could save the others. Me, I was barely getting by, it wasn’t because I was weak or anything. I guess I just didn’t have the motivation or determination to push through and give it my all.

If I had, I would have finished all of the titans off in no time. Honestly, they might be humans and supposed allies of us, People of Ymir. But I wouldn’t think twice about leaving them to become titan food. Maybe it was from everything they’ve done to me or maybe it was something else.

The titans just kept on coming and coming. There was nothing we could do. I was beginning to run out of gas and more swords. I only had 2 extra swords left and with the number of titans after us, I don’t think we can pass through. The amount of luck and time was running out. I’d say we’ve been fighting for at least 2 hours by now.

I wasn’t sure at this point since I wasn’t keeping track of the time, though it sure did feel longer than that. The number of our survivors wasn’t that fatal per se . A lot of us were still alive, well considering I’ve seen the scouts complete more dangerous missions with lesser soldiers. Who the Hell am I even kidding with this bullshit?! Like half of the class had been wiped out!

As of currently, there are a total of 12 survivors:

Todoroki Shoto

Midoriya Izuku

Uraraka Ochako

Iida Tenya

Bakugo Katsuki

Kirishima Eijiro

Kaminari Denki

Mina Ashido

Jirou Kyoka

Yaoyorozo Momo

Aizawa Shouta

Mineta was first to die, then Koda. The 3rd death was Tsuyu’s, such a tragic death. Her tongue was bitten off by the titan and while she was focused on the plan, she had not noticed the 10-meter titan creeping from her behind. I had also not noticed that until Sero pointed it out, screaming along the lines of he’ll save her.

The 4th death was Sato’s. Despite his quirk being super strong, he wasn’t strong enough to survive and lift the small building that fell on him. Effectively killing him instantly.

The 5th death was Sero, when Tsuyu had been killed, he went into beast mode—dodging all of the titans by swinging through the air with the help of his tapes. First, his right leg was bitten off and he fell on a nearby roof. I could have helped him had it not been for another titan holding me back.

He was close enough to Tsuyu’s murderer and I could tell he could only see red rage. Again he was too late, 3 more titans approached him and ripped his body apart. His death was similar to Eren’s first death in a sense. They both died in rage trying to protect the ones they love.

6th was Shoji, who died because of being accidentally stepped on by a really big titan. He had no time to process things until a large shadow casted over him. When he looked up there was nothing else he could do to stop the tears, screams, and fright coming from him. Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! He was stepped on 3 times before the beast was sure he was dead.

7th was the invisible girl, none of us saw her die of course but we did finally see her body. I'm not even sure when she died; we just found her buried in rubble, similar to Sato’s death. Though we finally saw her true form. Since when she died, her quirk also went away revealing her beautiful self. At least she was covered in the rubble when she died as she was naked.

8th was Tokoyami, and to make matters worse it was somewhat Bakugo’s fault. I’m sure he’s feeling pretty guilty now. Tokoyami, of course, couldn’t use his quirk properly but with Bakugo who was coincidentally beside him, it was definitely hard to use Dark Shadow’s true potential. Not like his quirk was much help since quirks, in general, didn’t work against the titans.

And Tokoyami relied purely on his quirk even after the internship and camp. Dark Shadow’s punches and such kept on going through the monsters, it was completely immune to it. And so another student went down to the monster's belly.

The 9th death was Oijiro, distraught by the death of his girlfriend or maybe even almost girlfriend. He gave up on hope. On everything, accepting his death he let himself be picked up by 4 titans who started tugging on each of his limbs until he was ripped apart into 4 pieces.

The 10th death was Aoyama. To cut things short his stomach went hurting after using his laser beam for an extended period of time even if it did not affect the titans. So he used them as distractions for us. The titans crowded on him so quickly right after his stomach began to hurt like Hell, using his moment of vulnerability to their advantage.

The rest of us were covered in dirt. The fabrics of our costumes had been torn apart as proof of our escape from death, also known as the mighty beasts. Blood was either seeping out or splattered from our clothes, both our own and from our classmates, dead or alive, which didn’t matter at this point. Because what mattered was getting out alive. Surviving…

By now the city was covered in debris. Titans roamed freely and I haven’t seen a single scout passing by, not yet at least. The once beautiful city now roared in a massive blaze of fire that even put Endeavor to shame. Most of the civilians may have already escaped or evacuated to the docks, but we can’t say for sure.

I think the class and my teacher find it weird that they haven’t run into any civilians by now or even other heroes. Maybe their thoughts were filled with hopes that their loved ones are safe. I could tell they were desperate to see their families and friends, but they now have a duty to uphold. If they won’t help in fighting who will?

Maybe everyone is focused on somewhere else…? Or maybe their… Who am I kidding? It is clear to see. Most civilians are dead. Some may have managed to be evacuated or escaped but it cannot make up for the blood that was shed. But I also had a theory, they could have also been turned into titans, which was most likely since the amount of titans roaming the city was quite a large amount.

In the distance, I heard guns going off. Like a battle was occurring. I looked at everyone else, somewhat confused that they either didn’t seem to care or they didn’t hear the guns being shot. Wait, a minute! I have an idea that might just really help.

“We won’t last like this! We need more people!” I screamed at our teacher.

“We don’t have any backup! All communications are lost as well! Looks like they took down the cell towers!” He replied in a frustrated yet tired voice.

“Weren’t we the only ones going on a field trip?! What about class-B?! If we can gather our forces with them! We might just make it out of this!”

The realization hit him, “They’re at the city square! If they're still there we can make it! it's not far from here!’ He then began to instruct the class to go to the city square and combine forces with class-B while he’ll distracts the monsters.

A lot of them didn’t like this plan. They didn’t like the fact that we’ll be using our teacher as a distraction. They think he’ll die if he fights against the titans alone, which is most like the outcome. They had learned that the hard way of almost losing their teacher with the USJ incident

My classmates protested, especially Iida who looks up to Aizawa-sensei immensely, that’d be a huge blow to him if our adviser would return injured or even not return at all. Kirishima is well saying along the lines that it’s not manly of us to leave our teacher behind. Our teacher's heart warmed up at that obviously.

Of course, he didn’t want to leave us all alone to fend for ourselves. He was supposed to look after us. Now it was on his watch that almost half of his students had died. I could tell his conscience felt very guilty about that and devastated. Who wouldn’t be?

I wasn’t close to our teacher though. But I understand his actions and where he was coming from. A shot of deja vu tan through me. His actions remind me of Commander Erwin. It felt so long since his death passed and I’m sure none of us had gotten over it.

But we continued to persevere, fight, and survive. We continued his legacy. So that is why it pains me to watch our teacher sacrifice himself just as our Commander did. It was for the greater good. If our sensei would distract the titans, drawing them all near him.

We’d have a clear shot at survival. We’d probably make it to the city square and regroup with class-B. If not then we’ll figure another solution out. For now, we’ll have to gamble and take the risk.

“Let’s go, everyone! There’s no time to waste! We don’t have another plan! Use your quirks and let’s go! Don't let our teacher’s sacrifice be for nothing!” I screamed at them as though they were soldiers, trying to knock them out of their fears.

“Plus Ultra!” With tears in their eyes, they knew I was right, then we all yelled a battle cry, pushing ourselves over our limits.

We ran and used our quirks, my body felt tired. Everyone else felt like that. We felt heavy and as though we were pushing a boulder. Todoroki who once again was beside me using his ice to move faster. Midoriya and Bakugo ran behind him, I could tell though that Midoriya was taking this the hard way. It wasn’t only him though. Everyone looked defeated with tears and frustration kept building up inside of them.

“Hurry up everyone! We’ll have time to mourn for them all later, but if we don’t hurry up we might end up with the same fate as the-!” I was cut off by a scream that came from where we left our teacher.

“Come on! Bring all you’ve got! I’m over here!” Sensei yelled trying to bring all the titans towards him which unfortunately did work.

We decided to tune out those sounds. Listening to them further would only make us more guilty for leaving him behind. 2 more minutes of running and I’d say we’d reach City Square. If class-B still stands then we’d have a second shot at getting through this.

“We’re almost there, we can’t stop now!” I grabbed the ponytailed girl from Jirou, who was on the verge of collapsing, “Kaminari, carry Jirou, we must push forward if we can to survive!” Even if I was tired I placed the girl on my back.

“I can take it, give her back!” Both tired and exasperated, the said girl screamed her lungs out at me.

Iida but in to scold us, “Argue later, for now, we have to survive! Do not let Aizawa-sensei’s sacrifice go to waste!”

“What’s the plan, bitch face?! Once we reach class-B and regroup what’ll we do?!” Bakugo, who flew beside me using his explosions, asked calmly.

Rolling my eyes at him, “We’ll split into groups probably, first I’ll let you guys evacuate your family then we move onto the civilian's right aft-!” The falling of boulders rapidly from the sky cut me off, “Shit! It’s the beast titan! Fuck! Everyone! Get behind me! We have to continue before it’s too late! Bakugo if ever boulders or debris is blocking our way, blast them to bits!”

“With pleasure!” He smirked, finally getting his hopes of turning the tides around against the titans.

I grabbed Todoroki’s hand, who happened to be the closest one near me and dragged him behind me. While Bakugo got the message I yelled at him, flew in front of me, and began to lead the way to City Square. We were dodging the boulders to the best of our abilities but that wasn’t our only obstacle.

Because there were still the occasional titans we just so happened to pass by. Yes, Aizawa-sensei drew in most of the titans from this area, still, some kept getting in our way. Like right now.

I scream a battle cry into the air, “Agh! Fucking die already!”

I quickly flew ahead of Bakugo and dropped. Yaoyozorou who was on my back, into his arms. Causing him to stumble back and yell out a curse at me. The titan just popped out of nowhere. It was going to be face to face with him and it was about to eat him by surprise had I not acted. Swerving behind the beast with my aerobatics skills, I sliced off the titans' nape. Making its blood splatter on me, freaking disgusting.

Kirishima, who saw this all happening, decided that he wasn’t going to run and do nothing except watch us do all the work. For him, it wasn’t something manly. So he rushed to Bakugo, jumping on top of the debris and boulders, grabbing the girl from Bakugo’s arms. He placed her on his back and continued to push himself forwards.

I flew back next to Todoroki and let Bakugo lead the way. Occasionally he had to blow up some debris and boulders both coming in our way and blocking them. I also had to come in and intervene sometimes because titans kept randomly popping out, I didn’t want any more students to die so I decided to act upon myself quickly.

“We’re almost there!” I screamed, seeing a bunch of different colored hairs in the distance as I finished off yet another titan.

“Then let’s hurry!” Todoroki screamed as he and our classmates passed by me, grabbing my hand and pulling me into him.

“By the way, I’m still not done with you, I still wanna know why you risked my life.” I glared at him the same way he used to glare at me.

“We’ll have time for that later.” He glared back, not backing down.

I rolled my eyes and scoffed, “If there even is a later, I’ll protect you and everyone until we part ways to evacuate the civilians. I’ll be going with you though since you trust me so much.” I spoke sarcastically to which he just nodded irritatedly.

Running and pushing ourselves past our limit we finally reached City Square. A chance to victory was in our hands. A bunch of newly graduated cadets was supposedly positioned here. Even if they were cadets they could help me a lot.

“Shit!” I grabbed Todoroki and placed him behind me as a gunshot fired into the air.

It hit Bakugo in the shoulders, making him curse in pain. Midoriya who witnessed everything cried out for his childhood friend, grabbing him quickly and then hiding behind a large piece of debris. Ripping a piece of his hero costume to use as a bandage, he tied it tightly around his shoulders in an attempt to stop the blood.

I and everyone else followed his actions, hiding behind large pieces of fallen debris. Mina let out a scream as a bullet shot into her left abdomen. Kaminari, who was next to her, quickly took off the jacket from his hero costume and ripped off a piece. Doing the same thing as Midoriya he tied the fabric to her abdomen.

With shaky hands he pressed down on the wound, hoping the blood would stop spilling out. Tears began to stream down his face. It was clear enough to see that by the amount of blood coming out from Mina, she wouldn't make it. This was her end.

I could see the life beginning to fade from her eyes. I couldn’t watch. Not when the Kirishima who passed the passed-out girl to Jirou began to sprint to Mina. Not caring that multiple bullets were shot into the air, one of them happened to graze his leg. He didn’t flinch from the pain, instead continuing to push forward, determined as ever. Plus he did use his quirk to make sure he wouldn’t die.

He crouched down to Mina and tried to help Kaminari stop the bleeding. Using the rest of what was left of Kaminari’s jacket to put pressure on her wound. Tears kept coming from both of them and I could even tell Bakugo was also crying based on the sniffles he was trying to hide.

It was sad that we don't have time to mourn the death of our classmates. It was sad we didn’t get to say goodbye. Everything just happened so quickly yet it felt like time moved in slow motion. If you even get what I mean.

Realizing quickly that we couldn’t stay behind the debris for long, I took a little peek from out behind the debris I was using as a shield. A bullet shot at me directly, just narrowly missing me. ‘Shit if I can’t find where they are positioned at, we’ll be sitting ducks!’ I spotted a broken mirror near me and Todoroki. It was a bit of a stretch but completely doable.

I nudged his shoulder, pointing my finger at the broken mirror shard. He extended his feet and used them to pull the mirror to us. It wasn’t as easy as it looked though, he failed a couple of times. It took him multiple tries before he successfully reached the mirror with his foot. Bullets also shot from what seemed out of nowhere. Almost hitting his leg in the process.

He stepped on the mirror and dragged it back to himself, picking it up from under his foot, he quickly handed it to me. Using the mirror, I angled it to look in different directions. I spotted a few class-B students hiding under some debris and some dead bodies scattered around the ground. The bodies belonged to those of class-B, their adviser, random civilians, and the newly recruited cadets.

There were a total of 2 of the newly recruited cadets. If I recall correctly, there should be a total of 5 of them stationed here. Seeing as this is the city square, it’d be stupid to station new recruits there, of course we had our reasons. We believed that the center of their attacks would be at city hall. Their main target being the mayor of this city.

Whispering quietly to myself as I scanned the area through the mirror, “Where are you?”

“Maybe they're in the buildings or cars.” Todoroki proposed

“Probably…” Pausing for a second to think of our next possible moves, “Hey umm… Guys, I got some good news and bad news.” Everyone who was still alive looked at me

Shoto spoke up because everyone was quiet, “Good news first.”

“Well, good news is that this is a titan free zone and there may be 3 of my comrades here to help us. The bad news is we got here too late and the Marley’s have dominated this area and I can’t seem to find them. So we'll need someone to create a distraction, then that’ll draw our enemies out. And with our remaining guns and bullets, we’ll kill them. Got it?” I asked everyone

They more or less seem in and out of it, it was understandable of course as their whole lives had changed so drastically in a matter of moments. I can only imagine the amount of trauma they're going through right now, as well as all of the anxiety of not knowing whether or not your loved ones are safe or at least alive. They seemed to have understood what I explained and asked of them, yet they still continued to be trapped in this sort of trance.

“This is so not manly… How can I be this useless…?” Kirishima began, his knees tucked to his body, rocking back and forth whilst he pulled his hair in frustration, tears already pouring down.

“... Kiri-” Midoriya began to try and soothe the said boy, before another person interjected.

“What about our families, will we never see them again? I didn’t even get to say goodbye or to repay my parents…” Uraraka’s voice cracked as she broke down, following the same as Kirishima, then puking, most likely from overworking her quirk.

“Guys…” Iida tried to intervene and cheer everyone up, but he himself was in the same boat as they were, so he was left like a fool speechless.

Jirou spoke a little bit too loud that the enemies had noticed, effectively shooting a bullet in our way, “She must have really overworked herself!” She pressed down on the gun shot on the ponytailed hair girl, tears already falling down as she kept mumbling to herself that everything is fine.

Everything was not fine. It was all going down hill and if we didn’t do something to turn the situation around. Then we’ll all die.

Iida who sat besides them yet never noticed the blood rushing down from vice-president’s leg began to help the 2 girls in any way he could

I see now that everyone was in despair. All hope was lost. Everyone was tired, confused, depressed, and scared. This was our first moment of break from all of the fighting and exhaustion from before. I was the same as them, yet I can’t find it in myself to care as much as I should have.

Could that have been from all the bullshit they put me through. I couldn’t tell at this point, I practically didn’t feel shit. Everything’s just so numb. I had no motivation to push through the boundaries or as per the heroes, ‘Go Beyond And Plus Ultra.’

I think Todoroki must have gotten the hint that I was also giving up on them because he began to speak to me gently, “Please, we need your help. We can’t do this alone.” He desperately begged

The depth of the graveness of the situation, settled in on him probably. In all seriousness, I was shocked by his actions to say the least. Never did I think that in my life, that Todoroki Shoto, son of Endeavor, son of the number 1 hero, best of class 1-A, begged me to help them.

I thought about my choices for a hot second then made up my mind and stood up a bit, “What else do I have to lose? Just my life of course… However, I did make an oath to save humanity and I intend to see it through. Let’s go, no more wasting time.”

A familiar boyish scream cut me off, “Agh!! (Y/n)! Captain! Mikasa! Armin! Help!”

“Oh God. Anyone but you!” I screamed and against all my wishes, when I peaked out I saw a familiar black hair, “Ayato!” I screamed out in fury before another bullet was shot to his side.

Before Todoroki could pull me back and knock some sense into me, I felt a feeling I haven’t felt in a long time. Electricity ran through my brain and I feel in full control over my body.

“Die!” I screamed out a battle cry, wasting a lot of my gas that was already running low.

With a battle cry, I killed all of the surrounding enemies without hesitation, managing to dodge all of the bullets they were rapidly shorting at me. There was only 1 final enemy left though, the one on top of Ayato. I kicked the soldier off of Ayato and grabbed his gun from him.

He laughed at me and began yelling insult after insult. All I saw was red and rage. I didn’t care who was watching, he deserved to die a painful death. Grabbing his head I threw it to the ground so hard that blood began to fall.

I was sick of it. I towered over him as he whimpered and begged to live, pathetic can’t even hold his honor. I lifted my foot over his head and began to stomp on it with all my might. Everyone’s yells went deaf in my ears.

Stomp!

His cries, whimpers, and pleads fell deaf on my ears as I began to scream out reasons why he deserved this.

“You killed my family!”

“You killed my friends!”

“You killed my soldiers!”

“You dare ask for mercy but did you even give us mercy!”

“You took away my life!”

“You took away our peace!”

“You killed my people!”

“You deserve this!”

“You keep on taking away the lives of others!”

“I was forced to become a soldier because of you!”

“It’s your fault!”

I lost count of how many times I crushed his head with my foot. Blood splattered all over my clothes, but I didn’t care. He deserved it.

“That’s enough!” Before I could even yell and stomp even more, Todoroki grabbed me from behind and began to cool me.

Trying desperately to calm me down, I looked around and I saw what remained of our class. Helping all of the Class-B students who were still alive, some of them tied up. I can only assume they were tied up because they wanted to keep them as prisoners or hostages. But then my eyes landed on Ayato and all the other new recruits, 3 remained left out of the 5.

I wriggled out of Todoroki’s grasp and ran to Ayato, “Please! Anyone but you! Don’t die! Don’t die! Don’t leave me alone!”

I quickly kneeled before him and placed his head gently into my lap as he coughed out some blood and gave me his hand, speaking in between his bloody coughs, “Live for me and take care of everyone…”

That was the last thing he spoke before dying, I felt nothing but complete sadness and rage. A few tears ran down my cheeks but there was nothing more I could do. My best friend was dead. There would be no more stupid jokes or silly stories for us to share during break time or whenever we were free.

“Ayato wasn’t supposed to be placed here. Why is he here?” I questioned

“He heard that we were having a hard time defending. So he came back up.” A new recruit hugged me from behind, tears also streaming down her face.

I grabbed Ayato’s cloak and called over Todoroki, to which I gave him my own bloody cloak and told him to wear it, reluctantly he did. I wore Ayato’s which was also stained in his own blood and ripped out his name tag from his jacket.

“Shoto. If I die, you will lead everyone on, including my soldiers. Make sure you put them first before you. Please, they have families, they have names...” I didn’t care if I wasn’t using his last name

Before he could reply, I walked away and gathered everyone up. The new recruits, my classmates, and what remained of class 1-B. Class 1-B didn’t complain nor questioned my authority, especially Monoma who looked at me seriously like an ally, yet there was still a hint of disbelief and resentment in his eyes as he stared at me. I can only assume my classmates had explained the situation to class 1-B already.

Putting my hands behind my back, I began to speak, “Today as we face the impending and inevitable war! We are all the same. We’ve lost our families, friends, dignity, and what we once called home. Today, we saw many die before us and we were helpless, we couldn’t save our fellow classmates and teachers no matter how hard we tried.”

“And who said you can lead?!” This pissed Monoma off apparently as he screamed furiously, “From what I see here you're just with them!”

“How dare you speak against her! You don’t know what we’ve been through! We save humanity, we’re fighting this war! We’re on your side!” A recruit cried out in anger towards him pulling out her blades.

“And what about it?! What were you doing when we were all being slaughtered?! Nothing?! That’s what, you did absolutely nothing as we were helplessly being killed!” Monoma spat back

“We helped! We sacrificed our lives as well!” Her and the 2 other recruits hissed back at him

“ENOUGH!!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, “All of this fighting among ourselves is meaningless, we can’t do anything anymore, what’s done is done! So fucking forget about it! We only have our duties to do! We only have our duties left to uphold! Protect and serve the people! And what are we doing?! Meaninglessly yelling! Now listen up because these might be the last words you hear before you die!”

“Tch.” Both Bakugo and Monoma said in unison

Placing my tight fisted hand above my heart with my other hand behind my back, “Worry not of your fallen friends and family as no soul can say they’ve died in vain, not until the end when this war is finally over.”

“Even still, how can we win against them? Our enemies are gigantic and our quirks don’t work against them.” Uraraka cried out

“Remember this everyone, deep within us if we channel our anger and rage, we are just as barbaric as they are.” Raising my blades to the sky, “Wielding the blade of gloria we’re meant for victory! And it doesn’t matter if your quirks work or not against the titans because with every ounce of our lives we’ll fight back! We’ll reclaim the land and pride that was stolen from us! We will bring justice to all the lives taken.” Dropping my blades at my shoulders then to the cloak on Todoroki’s back, “Only those who fight against the titans are deserving of those wings! The wings of freedom!”

“They are the prey and we are the hunters!” The 3 remaining scout members yelled a battle cry.

The other getting what we were supposed to be doing followed along, “They are the prey and we are the hunters!”

“Our names won’t be remembered if we die so easily and I refuse to be forgotten! We’ll be written off less than worthless!” They began yelling battle cries, “Plead, beg, and cry but none will help you! You no longer live as cattle to the titans! Will you rise and join the battle?! Will you take your freedom back?! Will you fight in this war?!”

“Yes!” They chanted back

“Will you let them steal your freedom!”

“No!”

“Then channel all the rage and anger that’s swelling inside you and fight the boundary until we break through! And never hesitate! They did not hesitate so why should we?”

They screamed at the top of their lungs!

“Waging war with every single passing minute, we will march to victory no matter what the cost! We cannot be their prisoners! So let’s rise up again and fight until it’s over!”

“Hell yeah!”

“Every passing minute they must be slain at any cost and so we’ll offer up! We’ll sacrifice until our hearts have stopped! With our own hands let’s take a stand! We dedicate and sacrifice our hearts for humanity!” Me and the 3 other scouts screamed

“Wait what?” Both class 1-A and B deadpanned

“All that was lost, all the lives that were laid down was not in vain! Everything leads up to this moment!” We screamed out without both classes

“Shinzo wo sasageyo!” We finished with a salute.

“What do you mean by sacrificing our lives for humanity?” Todoroki looked at me seriously.

“This is war. And you will either die with honor or die a coward. Or you’ll survive to see another day. It’s your actions which will decide your outcome.”

Midoriya jumped in, “(L/n) not all of us want to die.”

“Of course, I understand everyone’s feelings but as a soldier, I’ve decided my life to fighting this war since I was 12, along with every single soldier fighting this war, we graduated when we were 15 and most weren't able to see past that age. However for me being an Ackerman meant that I excelled, when I was already 13 I began working in the Scott’s regiment. Which means that I have the most experience in war here. I’ve seen more people die than any of you here. So I suggest that you get over with it and help us evacuate the civilians. If not, run back to your families. I don't care.”

“(L/n), I get you but you can’t just drop all of this on us, just this morning we didn’t expect that all of this would happen but it did.” Speaking in tears Kirishima interjected

“This happened to us as well, but unlike you guys. Nobody was there to save us, so many lives were lost that day. And so many lives continue to be lost with every day this war continues.”

“You bitch! We also have families, do you not consider how we feel?! They could be dead!” Bakugo marched forward pointing his fingers at my chest, he looked like he was close to strangling me, yet unshed tears were clear as day in his eyes.

Giving him a sad smile, “Yes I get you, I watched powerlessly everyone I love die before me. But I don’t want that to happen to other children, so as much as possible. I’ll do my best to save as many people as I can.”

“And what if you die?” Todoroki questioned with clenched fist

“Then I will die with honor as I upheld my oath, protect and save humanity. To sacrifice everything until my heart stops beating. That is my duty and then after that I can finally rest in peace. I believe someone will carry out my death and bring us to victory. If I don’t die however, if others die, then their deaths will be on my shoulders and I’ll carry them to victory, even if I’m the last one standing.” The silence was loud besides from the screams of titans in the distance, “So let me ask everyone again, are you still willing to fight in this war? Last warning, only few and far between know that victory takes sacrifice. Only can they really see… See through offering up the price, our lives. If you think that your dreams come true easily then my friend you're in for a surprise because nothing in this world will come for free.”

“(L/n)-“ Iida began but I cut him off.

Walking towards Midoriya, “Deku, especially you of all people need to hear this. Foolish decision in this world, this illusion. Don’t be caught up in your reckless bravery. Or you’ll become a pawn to freedom, fighting in the chains that will hold you back. But if you move correctly, then checkmate. Victory is out there waiting. Once we win, you are not only freeing just your freeing lives but ours as well.” I gestured to me and the scouts then turned back to face everyone, “I’m counting on Deku to lead class 1-A, Iida-kun make sure to back him up and keep the class in order, do your best to make sure everyone survives this… Kendo as your class 1-B representative I expect you to lead your class, Phantom Thief back her up as well like Iida, and no figuring with 1-A this is a serious matter. I will lead my scouts of course and do my best to keep you all alive. But if I die or am unable to lead my scouts, I’ve decided that Todoroki will lead my scouts. If he refuses to take it though seeing as he has some resentment towards me or if he happens to die, Red Riot… Please take very good care of my scouts and try your best to bring them all home. Todoroki, if you do take up the position or not die of course, please believe in yourself as I do, I know we have our differences, you’ll have to excuse that for now. Let’s all be real friends after all this, okay?” This shocked Todoroki.

He couldn’t believe that you believed in him. Him of all people? Him who has been anything but kind to you? Honestly he just wants to go home and find his family, he’s so worried about his mom, sister, Natsuo, and Hell even his dad! But he knows he can’t go to them because the citizens are at a higher stake, he can only hope his mom and siblings are safe.

In fact as of when all of this started he was praying to all deities out there to save his family. It all felt suffocating, especially when one of those titans that almost killed him reminded him of Touya. Opening an old wound, he was going to freeze the titans mouth from before but he just couldn’t. Those eyes reminded him too much of his oldest brother. And because of that (Y/n) had to come save his ass.

“Are you still with me?” I asked, breaking Todoroki out of his thoughts

“Yes.” The scouts saluted to me

I looked at the class expectantly, “How do you expect us to say yes after all that?” Kaminari spoke out

“My speech isn’t really that great I’ll admit, however let me tell you the speech our commander told us when he was about to send his soldiers to their deaths. I think you’ll find it… Inspiring.”

I closed my eyes as a single tear fell from my face, this may be one of the most traumatic things I witnessed. I began to speak out as I reminisced about that moment. Managing to recall the exact words of Commander Erwin and every single thing that occured.

I replayed his words in my head, “There’s no point standing around, we'll only be showered by more boulders. Ready your horses on the double”

A soldier asked him, “Be honest, are all of us riding to our deaths?”

“Yes we are.” The Commander replied

The same soldier spoke up, “And since we’re dying anyway you’re saying that it’s better if we at least die fighting?” His voice cracked, on the verge of breaking down completely.

“I am.” Despite knowing what he was doing the Commander spoke calmly.

“Captain, isn't there anything else we can do for them?” I asked Levi

“Unless you wanna ride with them to their deaths as well, I suggest you stick with the plan.” Levi spoke calmly as well like the Commander.

“But wait… If we’ll die anyway then who cares what we do? We can just disobey your orders and it wouldn’t mean a thing, wouldn’t it?” The same soldier asked the Commander

“Yes, you’re precisely right. Everything that you thought had meaning. Every hope, dream, or moment of happiness. None of it matters as you lie, bleeding out on the battlefield. None of it changes what a speeding rock does to a body. We all die. But does that mean our lives are meaningless? Does that mean that there was no point in our being born? Would you say that of our slain comrades? What about their lives? Were they meaningless?” The Commander's eyes widened as rage filled him, a newfound motivation, “They were not! Their memory serves as an example to us all!” Walking to the middle of the crowd I began to yell out everything I could recall, “The courageous fallen!” I grabbed Todoroki’s shoulder, “The anguished fallen!” I moved onto Iida, then Midoriya, Bakugo, and everyone else who was still alive, after that I went back in front of everyone and screamed, “Their lives have meaning because we the living refuse to forget them! And as we ride to certain death, we trust our successors to do the same for us!”

“BECAUSE MY SOLDIERS DO NOT BUCKLE OR YIELD WHEN FACED WITH THE CRUELTY OF THIS WORLD! MY SOLDIERS PUSH FORWARD! MY SOLDIERS SCREAM OUT! MY SOLDIERS RAGE!”

Taking a breath to calm myself down, another tear fell from my face.

“After that they all died. But they put their trust in us as their successors that we will continue fighting and their deaths won’t go to vain. If there’s anyone who can bring about change, it’s someone capable of giving up what matters most… People who are capable of abandoning their humanity when forced to rise above monsters. Those who can't abandon anything… Can’t change anything. So I’ll ask one more time… WILL YOU SACRIFICE YOUR HEARTS UNTIL THEY HAVE STOPPED AND FIGHT IN THIS WAR?!”

“… Yes.” One by one they finally agreed to fight in this war after Midoriya finally agreed to.

“If we survive this, I promise that from then on. We have a winning shot! If we make this alliance work, all of their deaths won’t be in vain! And I promise you this! If we survive all this, I’ll do my best to bring you all home!” This time it was the scouts who cheered the loudest at the mention of being able to go home.

Home… That was the trigger for everything, making everyone scream out at the top of their lungs. Gathering a lot of titans attention though they were far away. And so they began to run in our director at full speed.

“Now! Let the onslaught begin!” I screamed along with them, raising my blades in the air.

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posssums · 2 years ago

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i hate iternalized transphobia but i totally agree trans masc! dave definetly spends a good chunk of his time wondering if bro turned him into a male subliminally and then bullied him for it to make him "stronger" . whenever he dresses up to pass is just like bro but in his style: white shirt and black sweatpants. then karkat/june come up to him and are like "hey bud. you know you can have fun with gender/clothes right?"and they prove no one will judge them. june dressed masc as possible and didnt shave and everyone still called her "she" or "they". karkat dressed hyperfem and people still used his neoprns and he/they. karkat dressed "cringy" and scene (with help from nepeta) and he got compliments from 2 people (meenah and gamzee) and dave gets it and starts dressing move scene, dying streaks of his hair and typing like nep, roleplaying, stimming freely and rambling about bugs or dead things while cuddling and nibbling on karkat (karkat has a certain chirp for 'to much teeth power'), dave being nonverbal and writing what he wants to say on a whiteboard. dave wearing skirts/stockings and being happy. dave putting his hair in pigtails and loving himself more than he has in a while. he identifes himself (after intense research) as gender queer and using he/its and all neos and learning asl with all the low bloods + rose (kurloz, meulin, kanaya, kankri, nepeta, and equius already know. kanaya + kankri to be nice to nonverbal friends, nep and eq because moirails need to be able to communicate even when there nv) june identifies as trans fem enby and bi curious, dave genderqueer + bi, jade poly, trans fem, les rose poly ace les trans fem genderfluid , kanaya poly pan demi girl (all 3 of them are dating) dirk is gay and trans male, but is also ponygender and uses pony prns like hoof and neigh and whiny and hes a therian of a Pegasus and a burmese moutain dog. jake is trans masc enby and is bi and dirk n jake have cuddle nights with jane because jane doesnt have a partner but wants attention. jane is aroace and agender and uses mirror prns. jane/jake/dirk form a little family, dirk and jake being dads jane being there touch starved child. they all live together.roxy is bi and genderqueer. she says she knows when shes attracted to someone because shell start shifting from her neuetral state to the gender of this person. shes lesbian with girls, gay with guys. all trolls are poly and pan except equius and nep cuz theyre ace and wont be dating anyone else in any quadrant. kanaya is also ace but only towards pailing. she can still be flushed for someone and rose is perfect because theyre ace. vriska and feferi start dating and feferi makes a vriska be childcore lolita like them. vriska apolgizes to tav and becomes his moirail. she little spaces to deal with stress. feferi, nep and equius do pet space and have playdates sometimes. dave, kk, and tav also little space. dirk is dave and kks guardian and dirk sometimes pet/age regresses when he knows dave/kk are gonna be around for a good while.

everyone is happy as they are. the happiest theyve ever been.

#might write this #someone please do #dirkndirt

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hospitalterrorizer · 11 months ago

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diary108

12/30/2023

saturday

today has been pretty good.

i decided to procure . some new plugins , today . one of the does this crazy thing w/ eqing, where you can eq the transients separately, it feels like kind of insane and a little bit like cheating but in a good way. w/ these plugins came a really good distortion too, which is exciting, and it has a function that reminds me of super gated velcro fuzz, so i'm interested in seeing what i can do w/ that. or i kind of have figured out one thing w/ it but it feels like it's going to help me do a ton, when i need that kind of fried sputtering thing. i got 2 songs out, the one that was / is still maybe a maybe, and then one i did yesterday but still felt like needed work, i think i basically got the guitar / fake guitar sound to be way better in one part. listening again, it's good, but the back half has another guitar that needs some brightening, and the snare too, i feel like split-eq will be perfect for those kinds of tiny touch ups, and there's some weird shit i think i can get it to do w/ distorting and stuff. that idea is really exciting, i wonder when i'll get to figure it out.

anyway now i am reading and thinking about other stuff. mostly what i wrote here last night, about people's weird and intellectualized transphobia, i don't think theory of a young girl contains that, at least it's not pointing there because that wasn't on the mind of whoever was writing at the time most likely, maybe i will eat my words but basically it seems disinterested in queerness, it mostly (and accurately for the most part) levels the field, not focusing on heterosexuality but instead focusing on things like the basic happenings re: sexuality currently, and so on. e.g. below:

the sexual revolution only opened a market where one could leverage something against another, in order to have access to something they wanted. thinking about courtship rules and methods, how to make someone want you, seduction, and how to make someone accept you as a lay. trading favors, is part of it. this is not all of sex now i think but it does capture the reality of casual sex, broadly.

but this doesn't have to do w/ last night. while i don't think the book is queerphobic i do know that people can read it and take it that way, its critical eye turned at gender how people embody gender/identity and the ways that is socially enforced can basically be read in negative ways.

the first quote here is the most interesting regarding what i am thinking on. all the others are interesting and good, but maybe they also exhibit something that is easy to notice in this kind of work, which is a blurriness / nearness to other kinds of things i've read, for instance, the part about alienated socialization reminds me of ted kaczinsky's manifesto, where he talks about oversocialization, which is an essentially reactionary idea of socialization in urban environments. i don't think tiqqun were meaning to recall that, or point in that direction, but i know, certainly, people will take it that way, because that conforms to an easy thing to believe, that there was a point in the past where all maladies we experience now were not present, and technology prevents us from going back. but i think tiqqun are good at not giving into luddite tendencies, which you can find in this kind of french stuff at times as well. it's an irritating strain in radicalism. the right now will not go away, and the past gave us right now, this isn't a teleological vision, but it is one where there is an ongoing communication with the past and we feel it constantly erupting in new forms, explaining what we have, while things shift away, there is a sense of being out of time always. this makes some people very upset and worried, so they dress like roman soldiers or get naked in forests and do rituals, hoping their simplified fantasies will be revealed as true in history. there is no point in history that is not complicated and miserable, is what it seems like.

still though, the first quote is very reminiscent of a lot of things i see terfs repeat, especially the ideas re: fetishes. obviously what the book means is this applies to every human, and gender abolition is an escape from that, but in the eyes of terfs gender abolition would simply let everyone be "normal" again, when in truth it would obliterate cis-ness especially, and hopefully disentangle people from the pain of having to pass (which cis people experience as well basically).

i dunno though. it's such a bizarre and stupid thing to have to contend with.

it at least made me write something. a good idea i think.

the one above is quite excellent i think, it recalls how i think of porn, to me, as an essentially sanitary service/process which strips sexuality of libidinal force by making it about watching, and constant and easy access, and to allow one to empty themselves of pulsion/fantasy. maybe my disagreements with this people come down to the feeling i have that fantasy is 1) not evil and 2) productive in many ways, at getting one to examine and dismantle what might have produced those wishes. but the wishes cannot ever dissipate entirely. this i guess is tethered to my feeling that many people who are queerphobic are essentially/intellectually repressive. not of themselves truly being queer or whatever but of their abilities to express desire. they can only understand things as received/taught socially, which they are on some level, but that's all that can make it okay. it's a strange issue of scrupulosity a lot of the time it feels like i guess. i hate that i am there having to navigate it as an object of that, basically.

anyway, today was productive basically, and stuff. and nice and stuff too. i am just tired now. i am tired of a lot of things, people are slowly making me sick kind of. right now i've got a friend who is getting really obsessed with r. kelly's music, and another friend/the guy who said the thing that pissed me off so much is another r. kelly head. it's very tiring and bizarre to have things like that, it's such a bother to have people tell you that r kelly is one of the greatest musical geniuses of all time. i don't want to hear that.

anyway, i am tired, so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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ar1mas · 4 months ago

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girl, you aint intruding. you are fueling, and im so into it.

because yes. a billion times yes.

eds a hypocrite. my son so dumb Eq 21. remember the "for some men, love is a source of strength. but for you and i it will always be our most crippling weakness"? clearly we dont give a shit about that! god hes so dumb. and so is oswald, because ed saying that was the thing that pulled him out his mother dying (pure soul, may she rest in peace) depression, and then a season later look what he did. yeah fall in love with the guy who said love aint a good idea, how smart (its almost like love has nothing to do with logic, not that ed would know). and ed? well, im cutting him some slack here.

because at least with him, his entire understanding of love was based off of a set path people take. american dream and all that, wont rant about it again after i did in another reblog.

his understanding of it - its all very mechanical. he doesnt get feelings. he cant. so when he confuses limerence and obsession with love, im like "yeah ok, makes sense for you."

but this set path also means that if by some defect hed fall in love with another man for example, he cant compute. if, for example, he falls in love with someone who did unspeakable things, not just to others but to him, he cant compute.

and the funny thing is that oswald is the only one who could change that.

oswald is the one who guided him. oswald is the one who normalised being a killer. oswald is the one who saw ed, who saw his potential. oswald is the one who unlocked that potential through his assumed death. oswald is the one who set him free again, after he took eds newfound identity away. its always oswald.

ed can learn through oswald. he can even learn feelings. it just so happens that oswald is very possessive about who he loves.

idk if thats why ed shot penn, or if he got jealous all by himself, i just know being surrounded by the guy who loved you and killed your girlfriend for it is prolly not gonna help with that.

the point is, when it comes to feelings. ed is a baby. he doesnt understand feelings, but by being around oswald, by loving oswald, he learns to come to a consensus anyway, one thats not muddled by the set path of love and life instilled in him since he was born.

the entire cause of the continuous bad blood between them - yes, oswald shouldnt have killed blonde kristen, but i reiterate: "the real reason."

the reason why they kept being enemies for so long. ed wasnt ready to let go of this lie. even after 3x15, after which - is blonde kristen ever even mentioned afterwards? i dont think so. ed literally doesnt care about her. he let go kristen, and after he 'killed' oswald he lets go of her too. because it was never about them. it was just about holding onto this lie, and he wouldnt even have dated blonde kristen if it werent for that lie (again, kristen is a bit different because with her it was the american dream + limerence when with the blonde version it was just the former). oswald was right. at some point, he wouldve killed her, and if it wouldve only been to move on from the lie, to finally be himself. because edward nygma, the true edward, the one oswald sees, would not look twice at someone like her. he only would because of the lie. so really, those years of being enemies was just ed denying himself when oswald painfully didnt, like they werent playing on the same playing field yet. they do now, and oh god is it beautiful.

onto oswald. he almost said the quiet part out loud. for me, understanding that line goes sth like this:

"we really are meant for each other." - response to eds line. makes no sense. ed talked about friendship and how penn "had to be stopped". meaning its a response to what ed said in the subtext.

"i accept you for the person that you are" - an egotistical bastard. a spoiled child. wants to have what he wants by any means, without regard to other peoples feelings about it.

"just as you accept me for the cold logician that i am" - someone who doesnt care about other peoples feelings. someone who only cares about his own ego, his own wants, his own compulsive rules.

"thats why this friendship is great" - you and i together works well because we are alike. because we understand each other. because weve painfully seen the worst of each other, and still we are here, in this room, together. thats why i want you in my life.

"perhaps, edward, we really are meant for each other" - you are a selfish child. i am a selfish child. i love you, jealously, and you love me the same. we want whats best for each other, as long as that best means that we are together. we deserve each other.

or in other words: oswald would only say what he said if he knew ed was just as possessive over oswald when it comes to the other men in his life, as oswald is over ed.

and oswalds laugh pre line is exactly what you said. like, wtf happened to "love is about sacrifice?" u so stoopid eddie. moreover, its a "wow you want me so bad its making you act irrationally. youre so dumb, and i love you anyway, bc i get it, im the same."

if you want more of the "you want me so bad its making you act STUPID" thing, i recommend this fanfiction. canon divergence in 5x11 where oswald leaves to save gotham and ed kidnaps him and puts him in the submarine so they can escape. its really good. heres a teasing line from it i love:

"no clinical deductions, no intrusive thoughts, just oswald."

beware, theres a lot of introspection before the funny part kicks in. shouldnt be a problem though, its so good.

- a rant

no because ive watched this stupid show 5 years ago, and i only noticed this now?? how???

ok. some context first. this is about fox' gotham, a prequel series to batman. or at least a potential one with slight changes. one of those changes is the relationship between oswald cobblepot and edward nygma (spelled with a 'y' for mayhap legal reasons? idfk its silly). whats their relationship like in the show? well...

theyre gay af. idk what to tell you.

okay so oswalds gay as fuck. edwards... ambiguous. totally ambiguous. he had a girlfriend or 2 and a half (kristen kringle, the-woman-who-shall-not-be-named (aka kristen but... blonde? this show is weird), and lee. not comfy counting lee, but technically shes one, hence the 'and a half')! very straight, much hetero (on another side note how tf is oswald the gay one, like i know he wears make-up and shit but eddies all about theatrics and showmanship and flair and hOW IS OSWALD THE GAY ONE NEXT TO HIM?? ok anyway).

so oswald was (is. be real.) canonically in love with ed, ed was.........., and 'penguin in love' is a piece of music composed by david russo for season three in which the whole "im in love with my best friend" thing took place.

that song has been used all over season three, as far as i can tell not once in season four, and once in season five.

.....or so i thought.

because yesterday, while in another obsession phase (of which i get one a few times a year. ive only ever watched the show once, in 2019, when it ended. still dream about nygmobblepot though. i dont dream about media, like ever, but with them, its different), i saw 5x8 to satiate my never satisfied craving of nygmob scenes, obviously skipping the main story bc i dont care about that straight shit. i got to the scene where oswald kills mr. scarface and frees arthur penn from said mr. scarface, after which ed shoots him in the head because thats what one does in such a situation, thought "aw how cute", again, as one does, and then realised.

what was that background music just now? rewinds.... oh. oh haha, its 'penguin in love'. how fun.

WHAT.

WHY IS THAT IN THERE. WHY DID THEY INCLUDE IT.

correction. it wouldve made sense to have it here. they used it in 5x5 for the speech about not backstabbing each other (wedding vows for murderers fr fr), so using it again after their relationship has solidified wouldve made sense.

note how im saying 'would have'.

because it would have made sense, if they used it when ed said "i accept you for the person that you are, just as you accept me for the cold logician that i am. thats why this friendship is great." they didnt, though. they used another equally heartfelt song for that. dunno what its called, it sounds a bit like 'penguin in love' but isnt, not sure if that one has a specific meaning like 'penguin in love' does.

so when was the song used? at 36:08 – 36:17. barely ten seconds, right before eds lines, right before ed kills penn.

...right when penn was sitting in oswalds lap because theyd been fighting for the gun and os fell on the ground.

now. the most obvious answer to "why in the fucking hell" would be because ooh this dudes on his lap so sexy, but no. no. 'penguin in love' is about one specific thing: love. the pure kind. the kind that makes you giddy with butterflies in your stomach, kicking your legs, while youre on your bed, writing in your diary about this guy you have a crush on. and oswald and penn do have history, oswald was more or less fond of penn, but not in love (i mean where would he have found the room in his heart if it was already filled with EDWARD EDWARD EDWARD martin my sweet boy EDWARD EDWARD EDWA-). im also definitely not thinking that penn was so happy about being free from mr. scarfaces influence and not having to kill oswald (oh yeah, the horror. who would wanna kill oswald, the guy with the big ego, who never does anything for anyone without some kind of endgoal- well, unless your name is edward of course) that he instantly fell in love with the guy. i can deal with the homicidal kind of crazy, but that? no. thats where i draw the line.

the next most obvious answer is that it was about oswalds love for ed. more believable, since its what the song was made for, but more believable doesnt mean believable. or likely. because even if i 100% believe that hes been loving this dude for so long its not something he has to think about anymore for it to be true, im pretty sure that itd be very random to suddenly focus on that when oswald was just about to die. so no, even if its what the song is intrinsically about.

so next most obvious answer is- wait. thats it. huh? theres no obvious answer anymore? everything else is brainrot? oh. oh well. its been five years, im sure its too late to worry about it now. what the hell.

im sure you know where im going with this. or maybe not. honestly idk what the fuck im talking about-

youre smart. you know what im about to say. if it wasnt about what oswald was feeling because he was otherwise preoccupied, and it wasnt about penn because that makes no fucking sense, then who was this song used for? who else was in the room?

...oh.

YOU.

YOU FUCKING IMBECILE. YOU STUPID DENSE PIECE OF-

inhale, exhale. no. don’ get mad, you know he cant help it. you know hes totally helpless when it comes to emotions. just breathe. ok.

i hate him. i hate him so much.

if the song wasnt for oswalds sake, it was for his. because i know hes in love with oswald, but does ed? does the producers??

'penguin in love' is about oswalds love. its about his love for edward. its about their love, their relationship. its about edward just as much as it is about oswald.

a-fucking-PPARANTLY, I DIDNT KNOW THAT!! I JUST THOUGHT OH YEAH OZZY BE THE GAY ONE HAHA FUNNY, I DIDNT KNOW IT COULD BE ABOUT ED DIRECTLY!!!

(why am i like this? what is my life? i will never be normal.)

ed has always been the obsessive one. first kristen (and the woman who shall not be named is just an extention of that ofc), then oswald, then lee. and as weve seen with kristen, when hes obsessed with someone, he can become possessive. absolutely not on the scale oswald is on, but still. theres a wee bit of jelly there. oh you have a boyfriend? better get rid of him! oh you wanna run away from me bc i murdered your boyfriend? better keep you right in place and- oh shit did i kill you? ono D:

this is a huge oversimplification, but you get the point. its there. or at least it has to be there because why else do you get so angy that someone is sitting in the lap of your just friend because they were fighting and they ended up in that position totally accidentally? like thats not normal behaviour, for anyone, unless you have possessive tendencies.

i mean its not like penn was a threat in any way. "he wasnt the threat, the dummy was the-" like i understand ed told penn about the submarine which was supposed to be a secret, but come on, like they couldnt make sure penn wouldnt say anything. so why would ed shoot him? its not even like penn was a random dude where that type of thing would be very inconsequential, oswald knew him. hed worked for oswald, and like i said, oswald was more or less fond of the guy. penns just a poor little meow meow, y u kil him eddie? 🥺

unless this fondness was part of the problem. unless ed saw how happy oswald was to see him, got annoyed but let it slide, then used penn attacking os and knowing about the sub as an excuse to kill him. and why would oswald being happy to see penn be a problem to ed? it wouldnt be. it wouldnt be, unless ed thinks oswald is his.

which makes sense. i know im calling him names and calling him out, but like. oswald told him he loved him like 5 times 2 years prior, i dont blame him for believing that maybe theres something to it (especially since that was the point of 3x14, oswald really being in love with him and surprising himself with it). but i thought ed didnt feel the same way? because hes very hetero? because he had a full-on girlfriend before, twice, technically? because-

"the truth is oswald, you would sacrifice anyone to save your own neck. even me."

"like i said! you will always fail, because youll never change."

hm. i know this is a bit off topic, but i just got a war-flashback and... why did ed sound so hurt when he said that? "youll never change." "you would sacrifice anyone. even me." why does he care? they were friends, best friends, yes, but why does he sound like a heartbroken wife who just found out her husband cheated on her again? why does-

"honestly you deserve this. you are opportunistic, your loyalty is.. shaking, at best, and you will hurt anyone, anyone, to get what you want."

"and yes, i was not a good friend. to you or anyone. its why im alone. but i saw you for what you are and i valued that!"

...why would edward nygma, the man who literally said "i dont love you" to oswald, be jealous of even the idea that maybe penn could have something going on with oswald? and why would he act on it if hes usually so careful to not reveal his feelings (unless its about kristen. the original obsession, the american dream, the just be normal, show them you are normal, and people will accept you)? he wouldnt.

unless oswald just told him that he knows he messed up. that hes sorry for it.

and unless that made him think that maybe theres a chance.

"love is about sacrifice. its about putting someone elses needs and happiness before your own."

"you gave up your revenge for me?"

a chance... for what?

"life begins anew."

"shall we get to work?"

and if theres a chance, hes not about to risk losing it. not this time.

so maybe 'penguin in love' is about more than just oswalds feelings. maybe they were trying to tell us that, yes, we see you traumatised gay kid, were sorry this is all we can give you, but here you go, eds in love with him too, but don’t tell the channel. subtlely. just for barely ten seconds. and maybe it can be enough.

nope, it wont be. im gonna sit here crying about the injustice of not having them kiss on screen in the finale as was originally intended for the rest of my life. seriously though, what is this, nbc's hannibal, where im noticing something new details every single time i watch the show, causing me to spiral? no, i was already spiralling. the spiralling was the reason i rewatched the scene. the scene simply made it worse.

so yeah, im done freaking out about a mediocre show that was cancelled 5 years ago and is honestly not worth anyones time (like, its ok. it might even be better than i remember since its been so long. i doubt it. but its ok).

tl;dr: ive only now realised that a specific gay song plays in a specific episode of a show i watched 5 years ago and the only reason theyd include it in the episode is if the dude that was not canonically in love with the other dude was in fact gay, they just werent allowed to make it canon, so they added the gay song to subtlely tell us about it.

have a wonderful day, hellsite. dont do what i did and go crazy about fictional gay people. i know you will though, that’s why im here too. i hate gay people. these two make me homophobic so bad, i wanna gauge my eyes out and skin myself-

#ok NOW im done ranting #wow i like literally needed to take a break because thinking so hard about them for so long almost burnt me out #that says more about my normal mental state than anything else #then again #you gotta me a little cou cou to be obsessing over a non canon ship from a 10 year old show (IT STARTED AIRING 10 YEARS AGO!!! WHAT!!!)#nygmobblepot #fox gotham #includes another shameless plug for a random fanfiction i love. enjoy internet

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thisismewritingsstuff · 3 years ago

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I watched James Somerton's video essay about Young Royals after seeing Lisa's insta story. I've watched his videos from way back, so I was glad when I found out that he'd done a review of a show that I've come to really love.

The analysis was...interesting. I don't know if that's the right word, but it'll do. It was well structured and immersive, as his videos often tended to be, but while I did enjoy listening to it, this is one of the rare times where I found myself disagreeing with most of the points being made. Don't get me wrong, he made a lot of good points. I don't want it to get twisted and make it seem like I'm against the issues presented here because I'm most definitely not— but we'll get to that later.

Point is, I thought the review was rather reductive in a sense that it took one aspect of the show and decided to look at it through a narrow lens. It discussed the show in its most basic sense, presenting YR's world as this black-and-white setting. It was also rather biased towards its view of Wilhelm, while also completely reducing Simon's character into—using his own words—an "emotional support poor" when he's clearly more than that.

So let's get down to business, shall we? (Note: I'm writing this while at work and on the spot, so bear with me if it's kind of all over the place.)

The forbidden romance brought about by class divide is a trope that's been used a million times. Believe me, I'd know. I came from a country where all of the shows on TV had a plot revolving around a wealthy guy falling in love with a poor girl that his mother and another rich girl (that's always evil) may or may not torment. It's nothing new. It's been overused, done before. YR falls into the same trope, with Wilhelm being the wealthy guy and Simon the impoverished love interest in this scenario. But Wilhelm isn't just some random rich kid—he's also Sweden's crown prince. And that, I think, made the difference (which the review decided not to incorporate.)

While I do agree that media almost always portrayed wealthy characters as emotionally stunted due to cold detached parents and the poor characters as those with higher EQs caused by warm loving families (something that is not at all the case irl), the main root of Wilhelm's problem isn't wealth, but status. His gilded cage isn't made up of money, but of duty: as a royal, a crown prince, and most importantly and what I think is most damning, a public figure.

It would be easy to dismiss Wilhelm's problems as inconsequential, especially since we as viewers could never relate to being a royal, but that would be unfair to his character's purpose and journey. YR never tried to hide the fact that Wilhelm is privileged in every way, as it's reflected in both his words and actions.

Example: when he told Simon about the private tutoring lessons, he said it in an almost conspiratorial way, just some topic to get to talk to him. He had good intentions, but it was still upsetting to hear for someone like Simon who could not afford to pay for those (unfair) lessons. To Wilhelm, such a thing was normal, while for Simon, whose grades were directly tied to his opportunities, it was a punch to the gut. This disconnect was most evident during their fight at the Music Room, when Wilhelm was quick to scoff at Simon's drug dealing when he himself was guilty of using them. Although he said he did not want to put the blame on Simon, as was suggested by his peers (also note that Wilhelm aligned himself with them by saying "...and the guys think we should let you take the fall"), he did heavily imply that he was to be removed from this, that the situation was riskier for him because it would damage his reputation, family, and image.

Does that excuse his actions? No, but it does put it into perspective. Privilege had always been in Wilhelm's life, so the only way of living he's ever known is one that moves according to its hold. He does this unknowingly, sure, yet all the same it's there. It controls him the same way the institution that bestowed it upon him does. Fvck the monarchy

And that had always been the issue, wasn't it? Wilhelm's life was never his own. He won't get to live as a 'normal' person. The people would always be interested in his affairs and he'll always have to give a piece of himself to them. That's the price he had to pay for all the privilege that came with his title.

Wilhelm could never be himself—I don't think he even knows who he is, really—because one wrong move could trigger a chain reaction of negative press, only contributing more to his anxiety. Is this a "first-world problem", as the internet liked to jokingly call it nowadays? Yes, but not quite. While this type of dilemma is unique to persons with Wilhelm's status, the themes of societal and familial pressure, grief, and being lost and confused in your teen years, are universal. There's no set guidelines for what situations can be considered deserving of our empathy or not; we don't get to judge people on what makes them sad.

When I was a kid, I couldn't help but resent well-off friends of mine who got depressed, because as someone whose parents had to work over more than 12 hours every day just to make ends meet, I thought, "how could you, whose life never seemed to lack for anything, dare feel down?" But as I grew up, I learned that it wasn't a choice, that sadness and grief and paranoia didn't discriminate with its victims. Everyone's feelings are valid.

It's easy to get lost in the resentment and to be dismissive of someone else's trauma, but tragedy isn't a competition. There's no point in comparing baggage because everyone has different circumstances, and at the end there are no winners here.

Wilhelm's entire character arc was leading to his realization that the institution he'd chosen over someone he loves doesn't care about him, and it's time for him to take command of his own life. The thing is, up until that point, Wilhelm never had a say in his life, contrary to Simon's accusation that everything was on his terms. Wilhelm was moving in a limited capacity, trying to find compromises where he could, and even that's a hard task to do. Him wanting to continue the relationship even in secret (which was completely unfair to Simon and he was right to reject) was him trying to reconcile what he wanted vs what the monarchy would tolerate. But then again, even if Simon did agree, would that truly make them happy? Simon was right when he said that Wilhelm had to figure out what he wants, like what he really wants. Because while Wilhelm can't see it yet, a relationship with Simon is just one aspect of the thing he's truly craving for: a life where he can act, speak, and love freely.

Which led me to my next point: Simon is, and never was, Wilhelm's emotional crutch. While Simon does help a lot in regard to Wilhelm's anxiety and overall mental health, he never thought of him as the solution, nor expected him to be the one-all fix to his problems. One of the things I loved the most about their relationship was the amount of communication between them. Sure, they fight and walk out and may be prone to petty remarks as teenagers often are, but they make sure to address their issues right away and give constant updates. No one's kept in the dark when it came to matters concerning them both.

Their social standing is something they both can't ignore, but when they interact it barely matters. When Simon stands his ground, as seen in the Music Room Fight and the Break Up Scene that hurt me a lot, Wilhelm doesn't force him to stay or demand anything, because he's under no delusion about his title. He knows Simon doesn't give two shits about him being prince.

I agree that YR is a modern retelling of the classic prince/princess x pauper story, but only to a certain extent. Something like YR, which presents a narrative that is pretty simple and straightforward, could have easily been a mediocre piece of media if handled incorrectly. However, the creators of the show does a good job of taking common tropes and cliches then completely turning them around their heads. It isn't ambitious, but it is genuine in its delivery. It cares about its characters and manages to make them fleshed out enough—a feat for a series that only consists of six episodes—for us to stay with them.

Simon is no exception. He's written like the typical fairy tale love interest: he's poor, loves and takes care of his family, smart, and dreams of going beyond the confines of his town. But he's also outspoken and sassy, can lose his temper and resort to violence, makes stupid decisions that land him on hot water. It's those things and the little details they add, like always eating clementines and having close childhood friends, that makes him feel real and a person that exists outside of Wilhelm's character.

He has an entire storyline of his own that doesn't intersect with Wilhelm's. His interactions with his father are some of my favorite scenes in the series. I wish we could have seen more of Simon's story, but I suppose it would be difficult to fit in everything in six episodes, and Wilhelm is the main protagonist. Still, from what we've seen so far, you could tell that Simon has mix feelings of anger, shame, and resentment towards his father. He's not a bleeding heart, and he doesn't have to be. He's very much flawed, but that's what makes him a compelling character in his own right.

I could see why they'd think Simon was perfectly shaped to fit the poor-love-interest character type, one that showed, to quote, "emptier bank accounts, fuller hearts", but that was because Simon was never ashamed of their social standing unlike his sister Sara.

Sara's character and storyline was the antithesis to this idea. Her insecurities stems from being poor. The emptiness in her could only be satisfied by climbing the social ladder; her actions were slowly building up to this and culminated in her betraying her own brother for a chance to be a boarder at Hillerska.

The scenes with Simon's family are uncomfortable to watch sometimes, because I've been there. I know the feeling of not being able to afford a more expensive, better quality brand like Sara had wanted with her jodhpur, of feeling inferior in a school that caters to rich children (I studied at a private school on scholarship I am Simon) and feeling like a desperate person when asking after someone you know is at a better place than you.

I disagree that YR romanticizes poverty and forces us to empathize with the wealthy. I think it's because Simon's life, where he's living in a somewhat nice house and a present single mother, isn't the picture of poverty we have in mind, so we never really gave much thought to how his social class impacts his daily life. I've done some research and while Sweden is not perfect, their services is leagues above my country where there's not even something you can officially call middle class because there's such a huge disparity between the rich and poor. But the experiences are something that we collectively share, and I do think that YR did a good job showing the problems brought about by Simon and Wilhelm's social standings.

(Omg I didn't think it would be this long. If you read it until the end, THANK YOU. This is just me being really bored at work and deciding to write this down rather than actually checking my emails. Sorry for this and when will we get some yr content, I'm starving. Lisa, give Omar his phone 😭.)

#young royals #prince wilhelm #simon young royals #wilhelm x simon #sorry for the rant #is this a rant?#Analysis sounds formal I'm no professional #I'm just a fan with opinions

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keanecox · 2 years ago

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kiingocreative · 3 years ago

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Once upon a time, in a faraway land… Boy meets girls. Girl’s in distress. Boy rescues girl. They marry, have plenty of children, and live happily ever after…

Sounds familiar?

If it does, it’s because a lot of us have been (and still are) brought up on traditional fairy tale romance that reinforces a very specific type of gender images and relationship dynamics. I remember always wondering about why that was, because it personally was never a mould that appealed to me.

In fact, if you must know, the very first ever article I wrote, at fourteen, was one that questioned the format of traditional fairy tales and the dynamics in which characters were entrapped—the girl who always needs rescuing, the boy who’s always strong and just in time to save the day and that obsession to get everyone married and living happily ever after.

Shortly after that, I wrote my very first series of short stories, one in which I portrayed my friends and I as super-heroines, kicking butt and doing some saving of the day for a change.

At the time, though, it wasn’t quite as common to question the more socially acceptable constructs around relationships, gender and sexuality. Fast-forward three decades, thankfully, we’re getting there.

Is Traditional Romance Dead?

In the twentieth century, the ‘once upon a time’ tales are still sounding familiar—one can’t erase centuries of literary and cultural legacy so easily!—but they’re also starting to sound outdated, old-fashioned and restrictive.

In an age where society promotes better inclusivity and diversity, we’re beginning to see more variety of representation emerge. Popular culture is exploring the realms of LGBTQ+, fluid gender dynamics, badass female characters, high-EQ male characters and, even, non-monogamy.

There’s a reason why that content is so popular and spreading more broadly: because it speaks to a large part of the population who never recognised themselves in the more traditional models of gender and relationships, and it educates those who never really thought about it but are open to keeping up with changing times.

So, what does that say for traditional romance? Does this spell the death of all the ‘boy meets girl’ scenarios everywhere? Not quite. If that were the case, novels like Twilight, After and Fifty Shades of Grey—all featuring heterosexual, monogamous relationships where the lead female character is highly dependent on her (rich, White, emotionally unavailable) male counterpart—wouldn’t have been such massive hits, both on paper and on screen.

The Lifeline of our Romantic Ideals.

Don’t get me wrong, far from me the idea of pointing fingers—I indulge in that stuff as much as anyone else from time to time. I recognise its flaws, and yet I consume it happily. But I do wonder… What is it then that keeps us enthralled by stories that follow such similar storylines and reinforce stereotypes that we know, deep down, to be limited and limiting?

My guess? That we still have lingering ideals from the ‘once upon a time’ era, and centuries of societal conditioning, that tell us that women are there to be rescued, fall in love (with a man), be taken care of, get married, have kids, and be happy forever. Similarly, those ideals tell us men are meant to be strong, ruthless, unemotional, rich and highly sexual (not to mention, well-endowed).

What’s problematic with this in my view is that it isn’t inclusive of other constructs and variations that, as it turns out, are a lot more common than previous generations would have had us think.

Despite that, the ideal remains. I think these more traditional romance scenarios speak to people because it sounds ‘nice’. It’s lovely, isn’t? The idea of being unique enough to be the only one to get through to the closed-off alpha male, the thought of being cared for for life, of completing one another wholly, the vision of driving off together into the sunset… There’s something cosy and comforting about it, something to hold onto and aim for—at least in theory.

Change is Coming, At Last.

In practice though, I’d argue that these stereotypes can often do more harm than good, because they make it a norm that not everyone will necessarily relate to. It leaves little room for alternatives, and feeds into unrealistic ideals of gender representation and relationship dynamics. For anyone who doesn’t feel like they fit into these moulds, it can feel suffocating.

Thankfully, as I said, things are evolving. Slowly but surely. The last few years have seen an exponential rise in LGBTQ+ literature, giving a whole group of readers a chance to connect with characters in ways they might not have been able to before. Sexuality, desire and relationship constructs are all coming in a wider variety of shapes and sizes than ever before.

Similarly, the portrayal of gender dynamics is evolving with, for instance, the rise of more capable, badass female characters—women who can hold their own, make their own rules, and aren’t waiting for anyone to come and rescue them. Male characters, on the other hand, are more emotionally switched-on and starting to step away from previously widespread toxic masculinity.

Anyone who’s queried literary agencies will have undoubtedly noticed that more and more agents are on the hunt for LGBTQ+ and queer literature, and stories featuring characters that break the trend of traditional male and female characterisation.

All this signals that change is finally underway, and I, for one, couldn’t be happier.

The Law of the Masses.

I suppose one has to address the elephant in the room: the very fact that, at the end of the day, what tends to work is what appeals to the masses—in other words, what sells. And if you can’t please everyone, then whoever has the power and the money to put stories out there (literary agents, publishers, movie and TV producers) then you might as well play it safe and release whatever you know has the best chances of success. The impending avalanche of Christmas romance novels and movies is a good illustration of exactly that.

Does that mean we should accept the status quo and never, ever try to change? No, a million times NO.

As writers, we have to remember who we write for. Yes, we write for ourselves, but we also write for every reader out there who’s meant to read the stories we tell. For everyone who needs to hear what we have to say and who will be able to relate to our words. We write so that others won’t feel alone in their experiences, so that they’ll feel seen and heard.

That, I’m afraid, means we can’t just keep catering for the masses. We can’t keep following trends just because that’s what works best. We can’t force masses into the same boxes, because masses are made of millions of individuals, each with their own stories, their own feelings, and their own idiosyncrasies. And these individuals are eagerly waiting for a chance to relate to a whole different box, to a world of different images, to messages that will finally feel right to them. As writers, it’s our duty not to let them be forgotten.

Off With Their Heads?

So, what? Should there no longer be romance novels for people who enjoy or relate to heterosexual, monogamous ‘boy meets girl’ scenarios?

Of course, not. Trying to make room for more inclusivity by censoring a particular style or genre would be counter-productive (and somewhat ironic!).

All I’m saying is that the century-enduring vision of the traditional gender and relationship images we portray in popular culture, and through our writing, should be challenged.

I firmly believe that writers are the spokespeople for their time. They observe the changes in the society and era they live in, they capture history in the making, and they relay it to others. And since the ideas we once collectively focused on around gender and relationships are changing, so should the stories we tell.

If we were to write retellings of the most well-known tales out there… Couldn’t Hansel and Gretel be queer? Couldn’t the little mermaid and Eric be swingers? Couldn’t Cinderella be polyamorous? Couldn’t Belle be bisexual? Couldn’t Snow White and Prince Charming have marriage issues? Couldn’t any of these well-known characters decide, of their free will, not to marry or not to have children?

I wonder… If we stepped outside of the boxes we’ve drawn for ourselves, if we smashed the walls that have encased traditional romance ideals for far too long, what wonderful, original and modern stories could we come up with… and how many readers could finally feel like they’re not alone?

#writingtips #screenwriting #creative writing #writers on tumblr #writers #writing #writerblr #writing advice #writing community #writing resources

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hakutaichou · 3 years ago

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[JP] Love and Producer: Pronouns + Speech Style Analysis

This post is about what pronouns and speech style the bois used in JP version. Unlike Chinese/Mandarin and English, in Japanese, there’re many honorifics used by different people's personalities with many formal and informal social situations.

Japanese grammar, as a whole, tends to function on hierarchy; honorific stems are appended to verbs and many nouns, primarily names, and in many cases one word may be exchanged for another word entirely with the same verb or noun meaning, but with different honorific connotations. (Wikipedia)

Prepare your snack and drink, this is gonna be a very long post.

P.S I’m using Gavin vs Shaw battle in episode 6 because they cursing each other using their “speech style”.

First of all, let’s arrange some of JP word speech based on the bois...

“CEO Victor”

俺 (Ore) = I

私 (Watashi) = I [Formal]

おまえ (Omae) = You

きみ (Kimi) / あなた (Anata) = You [Formal]

バカ (Baka) = Dummy

来い (Koi) = Come here

“Prof. Lucien”

僕 (Boku) [Lucien] / 私 (Watashi) [Ares] = I

きみ (Kimi) [Lucien] / おまえ (Omae) [Ares] = You

馬鹿 / ばか (Baka) = Silly

おいで (Oide) = Come here

“Captain Gavin”

俺 (Ore) = I

自分 (Jibun) / 僕 (Boku) = I [Formal]

おまえ (Omae) = You

馬鹿 (Baka) = Silly

来い (Koi) = Come here

“Idol-Hacker Kiro”

オレ (Ore) [Kiro] / 俺 (Ore) [Helios] = I

キミ (Kimi) [Kiro] / おまえ (Omae) [Helios] = You

ばか (Baka) = Silly

こっちに来て (Kochi ni kite) = Come here

“College Student Shaw”

俺 (Ore) = I

アンタ (Anta) = You

バカ (Baka) = Silly

来いよ (Koi yo) = Come here

...

Can you see it, the different words with same meaning that used by each of the bois?

[Character Personality Description from Evol x Love JP Official Website]

CEO Victor is Huarui (LFG) Group’s CEO. He started Huarui in college, and climbed to the top of financial world in eight years. He’s also the investor of MC’s Company and the one who holds its fate. His personality is decisive and strict. He thinks rules is above all else than emotion, and he acts only for the benefit of the company. He hates spending time and money meaninglessly. He looks cold at first glance, but he also has a gentle side, such as approaching the weak things.

Since he is Tsundere, the most perfect pronouns for him is “Ore and Omae”

Hakutaichou: “I’ll explain his speech analysis with Gavin...”

Captain Gavin is a EVOL special officer. He ostensibly works at Loveland City Police Station as an ordinary police officer. He is a lone wolf and brave man. He has absolute trust in the person he admits. He has his own policy, and doesn’t mind being misunderstood by others. He has his own right and wrong views, sometimes he acts out of the rules of the world.

Same as Victor, Gavin’s pronouns is “Ore and Omae” which usually used by cold-ruthless-hold power character in otome world. but what makes their personality different is on their “Silly/Idiot” word.

Victor’s バカ (Baka) in “Katakana”, and Gavin’s 馬鹿 (Baka) in “Kanji”

Where’s the difference? its from their speech style, Victor said “Baka” with decisive personality, meanwhile Gavin said it with polite personality.

if you can't tell the difference, you can hear some dialog from both of them in Chapter 26-27 (Gavin talking to guard in facility vs Victor met Leto in cargo ship)

Professor Lucien is an authoritative scientist in neuroscientist community. He is a Elite who has returned from studying aboard. He’s known to the public as a guest professor at Loveland University. He has an amazing memory, that he will never forget what he saw once, and his IQ and EQ are high. He treats everyone politely, which in turn makes people feel that there is a sense of distance. No one knows his true nature and purpose.

Lucien is a “yasashii” gentle person with mysterious aura, he always make a smiling face to everyone, but at the same times he’s emotionless boi and had a dark personality he hides from them. His pronouns is “Boku and Kimi”, which sometimes used by intelligent/educated-gentle character in otome world.

As if a kind man with a many hidden motive (from bad thing to possessive thing) who wanted his loved one to come closer to him, “Oide” is the most “Come Here” word that used by a same character type as Lucien.

When he acted as Ares, his pronouns changed to “Watashi/Boku and Omae” or “Watashi and Anata [Anime only]” because his personality also changed to ruthless-polite person, but sometimes turned back to his “Boku and Kimi” when talking to MC only.

Lucien/Ares to MC: You (Kimi), can’t hurt yourself.

Ares to BS Member: What do you (Omae) know?

If you need more references, there’re some of gentle mysterious characters who voiced by Lucien’s JP VA, Hirakawa-san which using “Boku and Kimi” or “Watashi and Anata” for their pronouns, like Saint-Germain from Code: Realize.

Idol-Hacker Kiro is a super popular idol who has been active since childhood. He wasn’t easy on his way, but he got over it with an optimistic personality. He is as bright as the sun, attractive and straightforward personality. He is mischievous, childish, and smart. He likes a mediocre life, sometimes disguises himself to go to convenience stores, and walk around the city. In addition to his occupation as a idol, he also has multiple identities and his true purpose.

That’s why, Kiro’s “Come here” is “Kochi ni kite”, that words same as persuade people, even kids to come closer, not like “Oide” or “Koi”, you can feel the owner’s very warm tone from that words.

Plus because Kiro once lived in America, his pronouns (Ore and Kimi) using “Katakana” not “Kanji/Hiragana” like others.

*Katakana: one of japanese writing system, usually used to write words that come from foreign languages that have been absorbed into Japanese

Kiro: Always stay by my (Ore [Katakana]) side.

But when Kiro become Helios, besides swapped personality from warm innocent to cold ruthless mode, his pronouns also changed to Victor and Gavin’s pronouns (Ore and Omae).

Helios: Leave the rest to me (Ore [Kanji])

Shaw [Error 404: Not found]

Since Shaw’s encounter with MC are still few...I’ll analyzed him from main chapter side and some of Date only.

Because Shaw is a arrogant gangster with polite attitude person, his pronouns is “Ore and Anta”

俺 (Ore) is from his arrogant personality, meanwhile アンタ (Anta) is informal pronoun of あなた (Anata) from his polite one.

[Extra]

“She/Her and He/Him”

There’s no specific “She/Her” and “He/Him” pronouns in Japanese. All of japanese people calling each other using their name (except: their mom, auntie, grandma, etc). What if we didn’t remember their name? you can use “You” for calling them. And if you want to talking about someone, you can use “Ano hito”, “Ano ko”, “Ano yarou” which have one main meaning is, “That person”.

Back to the main topic. In Main Chapters, MC like to call every love interests with their name, not “You” in dialog script.

MC: Haku, Zen, Kira, Helios, Simon, Ares, Shou.

And MC sometimes using “Kare” instead the boys’ name in description, or her inner mind.

彼 / カレ (Kare) means He/Him, sometimes used for close relationship like “Boyfriend”.

Besides using MC’s name, Victor, Lucien, Kiro, and Gavin also using “Kanojo” to calling MC, meanwhile Shaw in early chapter called MC as “Ano ko” (That Girl) before changed to “Kanojo” in Chapter 19+

彼女 (Kanojo) means She/Her, usually used for close relationship such as...“Girlfriend”.

That’s why...In episode 6 (Chapter 11)

JP Shaw: Maa demo...honki de “Ano ko” wo mamoritai nara, anna tokoro totto yameru nda na.

[Real ENG] JP Shaw: Well... if you really want to protect “That girl”, you’d better leave that place (STF) immediately.

JP Gavin: “Kanojo” wo te o dasu na!

[Real ENG] JP Gavin: Don’t you dare to touch MY GIRL!

#mlqc #mlqc jp #mlqc victor #mlqc lucien #mlqc gavin #mlqc kiro #mlqc shaw #koipro2ndannivcountdown #the more you know #japanese is wider than you think #give a big applause to PaperGames JP branch translator

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iamnightduchess · 4 years ago

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SnK 139 (A personal thought on Reiner & Mikasa's ending)

We have finally reached the end. For those who began this fandom since 2010, it's been 11 years of happiness, tears and heartbreak, on top of character discourse with our respective favorites. This manga is rich with amazing life values that requires more than just a quick zip through of every chapter. It requires a thorough, repeat reading. Hajime Isayama weaved his universe in a way that never cease to blow all of his readers' minds away but still touched our hearts in an emotional way.

(Special thanks to @pethellhounds for the key pointers for this post!)

No doubt, I love all of the characters, each of their flaws, strengths and growth but my two favorites have always been Mikasa and Reiner, individually.

Upon the first two reads, I was saddened, I was devastated and I allowed my emotions to filter the absolute value of the final chapter; in particularly to my most favorites. All thanks to the discourse we had in our RK discord, my brethren offered me a different perspective on how we could truly perceive ch.139 for what it truly is: a bittersweet farewell which only leads to new beginnings.

Reiner Braun

Armin was destined to save humanity, Eren confided on that himself. Even if it was Mikasa's personal choice on ch.123 that is the ultimatum that had saved humanity by eradicating the power of the Titans from the world for good. As referenced on this post, it has been Mikasa that was destined to free Ymir all along through her selflessness.

Upon first read, the following panel seemed to portray the remaining alliance members in a different light. Everyone looked amazing, happy as they exchanged banter just like how old friends with shared traumatizing experiences do. After all they're all celebrated world heroes - living with possibly an upgraded lifestyle, fame and wealth even within those 3 years. But upon several more reads and deeper observation, one could not entirely disregard the rather dark and gloomy atmosphere beyond the bright surface. In particular Jean and Reiner, who seemed to be a bit more noticeable.

Jean somehow is putting on a front as a skirt-chaser (having preference for younger girls) while Reiner seemed to be simping over his old crush (who's already married & has a child in Paradis).

The above panel seemed comical because the actions & lines seemed a bit "out of nowhere", but beyond the surface - everyone's hurting secretly from within, some are masking their pain, though some remained unaffected because they all shared a heavy burden of guilt towards Eren's death & Mikasa's withdrawal from the group to lay their friend in his final resting place all the way in Paradis. Jean and Reiner both are putting on a front.

Do remember that during the Marley arc, not even once was Reiner shown to reminisce about Historia very specifically. Not even in a fleeting thought, thus why it could also be deduced that she did not actually have a huge impact on his memory or his genuine affections beyond just a fleeting crush to hide his tormented mental state from within. How could someone who has been shown to have tremendous emotional growth and a consistent, albeit shaky psychological regulation during his primary arc was reduced to a typical simp archetype in the final chapter? This is not, a "Reiner can finally be his real self who's free of his burdens & he is someone who's enjoying his new life" moment.

The last time he portrayed this "simping" behavior? When he was 17 years old during the 104th's first SC excursion and when his psyche was almost teetering on its edges as his Warrior!alter is wrestling control against his soldier personality in Utgard Castle.

Reiner's simping (which was an intended joke) was also an indicator of a bleak truth: his DID regressed, from his regulated state and his psyche was completely torn apart from that day. In Marley, he had been extremely depressed but he was a loyal, strong and steadfast soldier who had only his duties in mind. To see him do a complete 360 & reverted to a creepy old behaviour, is truly saddening. He's been masking his pain with this front. Even Pieck could be seen sending him a silent, understanding look of concern for his letter-sniffing action.

In 139, despite having a new chance at life, having his mother's genuine love and acceptance & achieved his original dream in becoming a respected hero who is recorded in history, one could not entirely rule out the possibility that Reiner's DID has regressed to the point that either he reverted back to his soldier persona as a facąde or he'd might have developed a new alter altogether after having to experience Survivor's Guilt for the second turn. Yet this time, with no known time limit since the Curse of Ymir had been eradicated. DID is a lifelong condition. It does not go away, it cannot be healed even with modern medicine but yes, could be managed. That letter, the mentioning of Eren's name and their impending arrival on Paradis - the place he felt the happiest of his life - could be his trigger to put on that front. He, (along with the rest of the alliance on that ship) had to live with the fact that his and his family's new life and future had been at the expense of two people's livelihood; Eren & Mikasa. Eren sacrificed his life. Mikasa chose to bury Eren at his final resting place in Shinganshina and remain there to honor his memories on her own, without anyone by her side despite having fought together & almost on the verge of dying together.

(Thank you @lancerofdarkness for pointing this out!) We can see the banter between Reiner and Jean is very reminiscent of Reiner and Bertolt, where the latter cautioned the former on "not getting too carried away". Where Bertolt had a filtered approach, Jean had a more direct, head-on snipe. This dynamic had been initially observed much earlier in this post.

The alliance members could possibly have made a silent pact between them on not mentioning either Eren or Mikasa's name out of respect for that 3 years. Or if they, as well as the others, were not divulged of the real truth by Armin. With or without this knowledge, Eren's death and Mikasa's silent departure from the alliance do affect everyone. Some are more obvious than the others.

Once again, I feel compelled to share an unpopular perception that Reiner's simping is not his true self's behavior. It is a mask. A fake persona. It is a front to hide the real pain from within.

He cared about both Eren and Mikasa respectively, as much as the others do.

Mikasa Ackerman

Upon first reading, I was initially devastated for Mikasa's conclusion. It was her decision and selfless act that had saved all of humanity and won Ymir over, which completely destroys the Paths as well as removing the titan powers together with its curse. The woman who had been at the frontlines, placing her life at stake, almost dying first to protect the men in the alliance; she who had sacrificed everything ended up with nothing but only memories of the one who could never be and loneliness.

To throw salt into the wound, we saw Eren uttering in Paths on how he refused to accept the notion of Mikasa being with another man, he wanted her to only love him and have him in her heart even 10 years after his death. It was indeed a last spur of the moment declaration that ironically contradicted his plea in 138.

Their relationship was never meant to take off by riding into the sunset together, they are not destined to be with each other, even if their feelings are mutual. Despite my personal observation of their relationship as a form of enslavement in itself: Mikasa still sees it as her devotion & commitment to Eren. I have to respect her perspective on this.

Ymir mistaken Stockholm Syndrome as love, she perceives enslavement as love. Being used as a tool of war and breeding, surrendering all her will to her captor, yearning for his validation - she saw those as love. Now the glaring parallel between Ymir and Mikasa are truly obvious. Because of love, Ymir tethered herself to Paths or purgatory for 2,000 years and in exchange of Mikasa's decision & action, Mikasa remained tethered to her love for Eren & his memories for at least another 10 years if not for the rest of her life on earth. That is truly heartbreaking.

I was devastated. I personally believe she deserves better. She too deserves to have her happy end, to be loved and have a family of her own.

When Armin had dreams of seeing the world beyond the walls, Mikasa has always been a simple girl with simple dreams: i) to go back home within that forest in Shinganshina and ii) to be by Eren's side forever. Once we realised this, Mikasa actually had everything she ever desired after all. She's back home in Shinganshina, living in solitude and in peace with no burden of world peace, diplomatic affairs on her shoulder and has no need to put on a facąde. She's been grieving and she still cried for her yearning to see Eren's face again even after 3 years that she might not stop shedding tears in the next 7 years just like Eren wanted. That is how psychologically and emotionally affected she is with Eren's words, actions and death. She chose to remember Eren and keep her in her heart that it is almost seen as an imprisonment but she's also free from other wordly responsibilities unlike the rest of the alliance members.

Did I wish she would have a better ending than this? Absolutely. This young woman has never been on her own ever since she was born, it's heartbreaking to see her having to process her grief alone without even a single companion by her side. She lost all of her incredible physical strength and had to learn how to fortify her emotional strength through her grieving process. She has only learn on how to love and be loved by Eren, which has major missing components left to be desired. Mikasa deserves to be loved, to receive that affection openly in return from someone who would be ideal, respectful, trustworthy, expressive, equally devoted, the raindrop to her seed, the sun to her cold days and loving towards her and maybe one day, eventually would be able to grow a real family from that genuine love.

The last two bottom panel above we can actually observe the innocent kid!Mikasa just like Isayama promised. She is ready and curious to once again, learn more about the beautiful but cruel world. She is ready to leave the forest upon realizing that no matter where she goes, Eren will always be inside her heart.

She is at peace. Even if she looks way thinner, fragile that she should be and could be seen collapsing as she was hit by another wave of strong grief. But since the members of the alliance are coming to Paradis for a potential negotiation, it is been stated by Mikasa that they are also coming to see Eren's final resting place to pay their respects. She will be meeting her friends after 3 years for the first time and I could really hope that they can be the support that each other needed for true healing. I am holding on to the possibility of her being ready to move on and start living again after putting the course of her life on hold by mourning for Eren the moment she is reunited again with Armin, Annie, Reiner, Jean and Connie.

The bird flew over the ship carrying the alliance as it is heading towards Paradis before heading towards Mikasa's location, giving his answer to her "You're happy right?" question by wrapping that scarf around her neck for one last time. He wanted her to be free after 3 years of grief. He wanted her to move on when she meets their friends again because she does not deserve to be consumed in her grief not even another day. Not even for another 7 years. Not even for the rest of her life.

Anything that we envision happening after 139 is valid in this universe. I believe Mikasa will begin living her life to the fullest as the end of the series is also the beginning of her next journey. But this time, she will be doing it in the company of her loved ones. Together.

#snk spoilers #snk 139 #snk meta #snk thoughts #snk opinion #shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan #snk #aot #reiner braun #mikasa ackerman #snk manga

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saturnsummer · 3 years ago

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hi! i can’t believe i’m doing this, being cowardly and asking anonymously, which is so not like me, but i’m really not sure about the feedback i’ll get from this ask so here goes. i really hope you don’t take this the wrong way. i just don’t know who else to ask and among the authors i see in tumblr you’re the one with all the headcanons and looks into their characterization and all huhu.

i just noticed that in the majority of angst(y) aus, sol (a) is always the one who is constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, prioritising her family over hwi/not considering him her family, or ends up pushing hwi away and then the relationship turns out badly, and by badly meaning it ends. i understand the first one since that’s really been the case for the majority of what we get a glimpse of in her life. but i don’t understand the others and i want to understand because so many people are writing it that way, and i interpret it as: they see something i don’t. maybe there are things about her character that i can’t or perceive differently or my 21 year old brain lacks the wisdom for that i miss how it progresses to that. but since i’m too shy to interact with anyone i don’t have anyone to compare notes with, huhu. i don’t really understand the others them because:

she basically said she’ll root for him in his uncle’s place which isn’t something to be taken lightly, she knows the gravity of what she said and more than anyone else she knows what it feels like to have family leave you behind/alone and all (i hope u get what i mean here and that this is sufficient, it’ll get even longer if i add more explaining)

she has high EQ, she basically hit all the right spots in the before they uploaded the video part (if it wasn’t for assemblyman ko…) and this scene is also another example of number 3 where she ends up opening herself up to him again

she knows he understands her in a sense and has this certain level of trust towards him, it can be seen on how she told him about dan but not about anyone else, and even if hwi didn’t show up at that time it can also be seen that she somehow opens up to him in the drinking water as if its booze scene. I guess i just observed that in the instances where she takes the first step and tries to push him away, she rather ends up opening herself up to him.

hwi also has high EQ or at least towards sol (lmao) and combined with his high IQ and the fact that he understands her contributes to number 3

and not all of these scenes can be considered as “working out alright and happily and greatly” since there are challenges in them but somehow it never reaches to that degree :<

as i said i want to compare notes because i understand only a portion of where its based on. i’m not saying its ooc since there is a bedrock on where that could possibly come from, it’s just that i can’t comprehend how its probable to reach up to that degree based on my understanding of their characters huhu. if it is a writer’s thing though perhaps it’s most likely why i don’t understand since all i’ve ever done my whole life is read and not really the type that writes. huhu.

i’m really not complaining or insulting or saying anything bad about or offending the fics, honestly huhu. i just want to learn more about her character and i’m bad at saying things not bluntly :< i tried my best :<

also, if you’re not comfortable with answering posting the answer publicly but still considering to or want to answer my question (i’ve used tumblr for so long but don’t know how asks work) if know a way to kinda hide the ask but answer it and say you want me to dm you about it, i can :<

hello anon! thank you for this analysis that while lengthy, does give me a bit of insight!

I think all your points are valid! about why she’s the one that is the start of the angst, why she pushes him away and not the other way around! I completely get your meaning, and honestly i do see the things you are seeing too!

this is just my personal take on this and how i view sol as being the ‘start’ of angst, why aren’t there fics on joon being the ‘start’ of angst and all, so please do take this with a pinch of salt!

I’ve personally not written any headcanons/fics that are mainly angst centred yet, so I would have to draw on my understanding of sol and joonhwi as characters from law school.

for sol, she’s a big emotional girl. you could see from the way she argues in class, with her friends, with how she reacts all the time. she rides on emotions and uses her heart a little more than her brain. like the bad fama case, she couldn’t give up cause she was emotional about it. like you said, she has a high EQ!

a possible reason to the angst on her part is due to the emotions as well. being someone that follows her heart so closely, she’s easily affected by the people around her and swayed easily. it would make a little more sense for the angst to derive from her, maybe from feeling that she lacks the love for joon. or maybe, a certain incident and she breaks it off.

one other reason is her upbringing. we know that she has biological father that is different from her stepfather. we also know that it is implied that her biological father is not present in her life, and her stepfather is abusive to her mother. as such, this must have been hard on her. imagine growing up in a family far from perfect, would one believe in love? many cases, some say no. they have never seen a healthy relationship before, much less seen one grow in their eyes from young till adulthood. this is the same for sol too. she didn’t see a perfect family, she saw a broken family, no father figure and her mother who endured abuse. this ultimately might make sol think “why is there a need for love? will I end up like my parents? is joon going to leave me, like my biological father did?” it’s undeniable that she might have these thoughts in her mind. thus, it’s a more common catalyst of angst, in a breakup thinking she’s not good enough, or she’s not ready, or undeserving.

as such, most writers might maybe find it easier to draw on this aspect of sol as the angst starter. a short example of this would be in my ongoing “the fairytale you never had (would you believe again?)” fic and in my oneshots “worthy” !

however, I do wonder, “why isn’t joonhwi the one with angst? is sol the only messy one here?” quickly, I thought back to most of the scenes of joonhwi when he is troubled, confused or any sign of him showing emotions.

joonhwi can be an angst starter, but I think it drawn on less since it’s so hard to draw on. from the base line, we know he’s smart. we know he’s probably rich. we know his uncle is the closest person to him. we know his parents died. but all these are just facts, no emotions. in everything that joonhwi does, he does it out of compliance, law abiding, or of a moral code. very few instances does he act of emotions or show a raw side of him.

the only times we could see it would be when he’s confronting his uncle, or the moments with sol later on in the show. he rarely shows emotions, and it’s hard to understand him or his troubles when he doesn’t show many emotions and we don’t know enough about his life. we know he looks up to his uncle, but it’s impossible for him, an orphan, to not miss his parents or have his missing parents not play a role in his development.

thus, his angst would most probably derive from “can i trust her, even after this?”, “is she lying, to cover up something?”, “is sol really the sol I believe in? or was it an entire lie?” his angst would come from one of trust and not from emotions.

i would really love to give a full analysis, but im no good with this. you can always dm me on Twitter or tumblr and we can always have a chat on this! would love to draw from my fellow writer friends to pitch in on this too, since they are honestly better at the analysis. im just a free writer!

thank you anon for you query! do dm me on tumblr/twitter (whichever is comfortable!) and we can discuss more! i’ll keep your identity secret, no worries!

#askakino #law school #jtbc law school #jtbc drama #kang sol a #han joon hwi #solhwi #jtbc #kang sol a x han joon hwi #joonsola

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tossawary · 4 years ago

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(re: transmigrator LMY) Exactly!!! Also my absolute favorite thing about SVSSS is how cleverly MXTX set up the tropes: depending on the tone of the scene/whose POV you're in, it reads like a buddy comedy, a shakespearean tragedy, a horror novel, etc. And SQQ's and SQH's genre-awareness, which would traditionally be a major asset, turns out to be their biggest obstacle. It would be hilarious if LMY was the only one to accurately ascertain the genre and adapt to it. (1/2)

(2/2) All of the advice for reconciliation/communication she gives SY and SQH is spot-on, but unfortunately, like Cassandra, she is doomed to be tragically ignored by panicked idiots with low EQs. So of course what's a girl to do but get herself a relatively-healthy relationship with a hot, powerful demon of her own, and make bank on the side? Good luck out there, numbskulls. She's got to rebuild her BNF reputation and get off on the reg with her hot girlfriend

I’ve said several times before that there’s no way that transmigration isn’t a deeply traumatizing and upsetting experience.

Shang Qinghua apparently responded by isolating himself and viewing everyone as nothing more than characters in the story, becoming bitterly apathetic and selfishly removed, even Shen Yuan’s presence and the canon divergence apparently kicks Airplane Shooting Towards The Sky back to life.

Shen Yuan’s response was apparently to view himself as an outsider in the whole situation, someone who could tweak plot points but who ultimately couldn’t change the direction of the story. The System didn’t help with this. The man honestly doesn’t reflect on his own impact for a long time. Partially because that’s how he’s coping with his character’s original gruesome fate - he’s not thinking about the future because it’s a terrifying future!

It’s interesting to think about how someone stuck in Liu Mingyan would cope, since the fate of the wife characters could definitely be worse but still sucks (married to a faithless and manipulative tyrant, stuck as an interchangeable member of an ever-growing, hostile harem). It must have been such a relief for Liu Qingge to live and probably/hopefully knocked the transmigrator out of her grief to realize that the story was changing.

The thing about SVSSS is that no one knows how it’s going to end and there’s no promise that this version of PIDW is going to end well. That’s why Shang Qinghua and Shen Yuan were occasionally so panicked/frantic. The Liu Mingyan transmigrator would be in the same boat. The protagonist’s right-hand man isn’t safe (Mobei-Jun). Wives in general aren’t guaranteed to be safe (the Immortal Alliance Conference). Luo Binghe comes very close to dying or going insane. This world is a shitshow and so is its story.

Liu Mingyan hooking up with Sha Hualing as part of her (slightly skewed) survival plan and trying to ensure that the genre-shift and character development stays on-course to become something livable could be super interesting.

#ask tossawary #tossawary svsss #transmigrator liu mingyan au #liu mingyan #shang qinghua #shen yuan #fic ideas #mingling

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wedreamedlove · 4 years ago

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Into Your World [Xu Mo Character Study]

I'm back with another post that's been rattling around in my brain, except it's a bit disconnected. However, there's been a theme that I've wanted to focus in on with Xu Mo: each other's worlds, their dreams (goals and/or fancies), and water imagery.

Contains spoilers for Chapter 24 and unreleased dates in ENG.

First, I want to give a disclaimer that MC is pretty much the only person who can get into the mens' inner worlds, and that's why they're the romantic main characters; but there's just something a little poignant with Xu Mo because of his archetype.

Li Zeyan's archetype makes him belong to another world because of his wealthy background and social status. Zhou Qiluo's archetype makes him belong to another world because it's the dark side of humanity, and he actively tries to keep MC away from that. Bai Qi's archetype is how they're already in the same world and they just need to open up to each other LOL he's the guy next door.

However, Xu Mo's archetype is literally the alienated genius [Official Life History] since he was a child and, after he lost his parents, he just threw himself into his studies and goals and didn't bother making connections with anyone.

Xu Mo: Mm, I graduated early.

Xu Mo's tone was normal, as if it were a matter unrelated to him and there was no sense of pride at all. However, it still made people impressed.

MC: So, when you were in high school, you spent all your time studying?

Xu Mo: At that time, yes.

MC: Why?

Xu Mo: Silly, why are there so many why's? It's just like when you were going to take your entrance exams, there were things I also needed to do.

[Blossom Date - CN Translation]

Heck, even now, MC is the only one he replies to in his Moments [Official Character Profile].

Since the moment we meet him, he takes on the "mentor" role and teaches MC about things. She mentions this all the time, about how he teaches her the laws of the world, etc. Xu Mo is innately part of another world because the realm of geniuses is not supposed to be understood.

However, this isn't a one-way street. Just as we can't understand them, they can't understand us. So, as MC makes an effort to understand Xu Mo, he is also making an effort to understand her.

IMO this is what makes the following interactions extremely tender and romantic.

MC: The white noise you recommended last time was really effective! Lately, my work efficiency has gone up!

Xu Mo: That's good.

Xu Mo: But, instead of your work efficiency, I hope it was useful for your sleeping problem.

MC: Recently, I listen to the sound of rain before sleeping. It feels like everything around me gets quiet when I relax and listen to it.

Xu Mo: It seems like our preferences are the same. I also like to listen to the rain when I'm relaxing.

Xu Mo: The sound of rain droplets striking the roof is calming, isn't it?

MC: It's great collecting only the sounds you like and then completely entering your own world.

Xu Mo: Then, will you also let me hear those sounds?

Xu Mo: I'd like to hear your world.

By the way, given the timeline of this conversation, this is an incredible foreshadowing of his [Nightmare ASMR].

One time, when I was studying in England, I spent months finishing a particularly tricky piece of my dissertation. After I sent it through the mail, it was already nine in the morning. I was a bit tired and planned on sleeping. The weather in England is often rainy, so it was also raining that morning and it was dark. The sound of the rain striking the windowsill was clear and it sounded soothing too.

Then, there was the sound of a piano from below. It was Chopin’s Nocturne, and played very well. Every note mixed in with the sound of the rain… unhurried drops, pitter-pattering. All was quiet, as if I was separated from the world. I stared at the curtains that were being lifted by the wind and, before I knew it, I fell asleep.

[...]

Although I don’t remember it at all anymore, I dimly feel that when I was small I also experienced a night like this. The sound of the rain, the sound of the piano… Outside the window, it’s very, very cold. I can hear the sound of the wind striking the window. And in my half-awake and half-asleep state, I’m put into a warm embrace… Closing my eyes like this… I’m able to sink into a deep, deep sleep… Just like… this right now…

[Fastened Door to the Heart]

MC: From time to time, I just want to go to your world and take a look.

Caption: Actually, I'd rather go to your world and take a look.

So, anyway, going back to the theme of entering each other's inner worlds. You can see it explicitly said here in the Reading Date. They basically exchanged reading material because she wants to understand him, with his complicated science book, and he wants to understand her, with the comics she read when she was young.

Okay, now we're going to switch tracks for a bit and this might seem disconnected (I warned you!), but take my hand because I'm definitely trying to go somewhere with this.

Part of understanding someone's world is learning about their inner thoughts, their dreams, their wishes, their fantasies, however silly or childish or abstract all of these can be.

This is also an incredibly huge point with Xu Mo because, through MC, we're supposed to feel a sense of pressure from such an accomplished scholar character, but he always works hard to diminish that sense of intimidation and presence [Xu Mo's EQ Character Study] and he never demeans her interests or makes her feel lesser for her intelligence.

Xu Mo: Either way, there must be something that only you can create.

MC: Something only I can make... Ah, I know!

Getting an idea, I divided the batter in my hands into two and made a fish and a wing.

I tried combining the two, but something felt missing.

Xu Mo, who came to my side at some point, took a spoon and used it to make scales on the back of the fish.

Xu Mo: Don't you think it looks more like one with this?

Xu Mo: Can you tell me why you thought of this?

MC: ... You won't laugh when you hear it?

Xu Mo: I think it depends on what you tell me.

MC: Then I won't tell you!

Xu Mo: I'm kidding. Will you tell me?

I didn't have anywhere to run when he looked at me and so, cornered, I told him a childish thought that I had never told anyone up to now.

MC: When I was small and I heard the story of Qixi, I thought the Milky Way was a real river with water running through it.

MC: So I ended up worrying over whether the swallows would have an accident, fall into the water, and drown...

MC: I thought that'd be sad for the swallows and so I lied to myself the entire time.

MC: That the ones who made the bridge for the weaver girl and cowherd where flying fish.

I moved the flat fish with its wing in front of him while I spoke, making it fly clumsily.

Xu Mo burst out laughing, as if he wasn't able to hold it back. My face turned bright red from the embarrassment and I returned the fish to the desk.

MC: It's really stupid, isn't it...

Xu Mo: Silly girl, you have batter on your face.

He wiped my face with the pad of his finger. There was a smile that he couldn't suppress on his mouth.

MC revealed her inner child to him, which she had never told anyone else, and he doesn't judge her for it. Please tell me you can feel the tenderness radiating out of this interaction!

Now, although the above interaction was Qixi-themed, I still find it intriguing that she replaced the swallows with (flying) fish. Because Xu Mo is all about water imagery [Xu Mo Character Study] and this appears in their next interaction below.

[Sonnet In The Eyes] "It looks like I'll be inside your most beautiful dream for certain."

I'm not going to do line quotes here because it's too long LOL but in this date, Spring Morning, they end up having a conversation about dreams and, one time when Xu Mo dozed off in his lab, he dreamed that he was a fish.

His surroundings were dark and he couldn't see the state of the water but, with a thought, he could swim a long distance. When he opened his mouth, only bubbles would come out. When he raised his head, he would see the light filtering through the waves. Sometimes, he would hear the chirps of birds transmitted through surface of the lake.

He knew he was dreaming, because he's a light sleeper, but he still observed how the wind seemed to blow above the lake and that it was the height of summer. Maybe, when it got dark, he'd be able to see the stars and fireflies. He thought about asking another fish for directions but he couldn't find anyone around him. Then he woke up.

At that time, he had run into problems in his work and, even after half a year, there was no progress. In his dream, he rashly thought that if he really was a fish then he wouldn't need to work. But, after he woke up, he suddenly had a flash of inspiration. Later, he concluded that this dream was able to let him relax a little, set his mind blank, and that's when he could get back to work.

Look at him tell MC about his dreams, reveal his struggles, and reveal his inner thoughts. He's telling her about the time when, even someone like him, met with difficulties and felt the urge to just throw it all out and give up. He's letting her into his world and that's love, baby!

Psst, don't forget about the water imagery with him being a fish.

[Flowers on the Path] "I thought it over a thousand times, and then there came a reply."

Xu Mo: Are you home already? I saw the photo you sent me.

MC: Mhm, I just got home.

Xu Mo: Lately, you've been sending me photos of clouds. Is there any special meaning behind them?

MC: Not really. I just wanted to share with Professor Xu, who is always cooped up in his lab, a good way to reduce stress.

Xu Mo: Oh? What is it?

MC: First, look at the picture.

Xu Mo: Mm, I'm looking.

MC: Then close your eyes and imagine yourself as that cloud. Tell me, what do you see?

Xu Mo: I seem... to only see pitch darkness?

MC: Pfff, I mean you can use your imagination. For example... what sights you see and what you feel.

Xu Mo: Alright, I see... a clear sky and bright sunlight. Sometimes... birds will fly past.

MC: Will they say hello to you?

Xu Mo: They'll slow down and roll around on me, frolicking.

MC: Haha, and then?

Xu Mo: And then I'll drift around leisurely like this until I see another cloud. Although it's our first meeting, I'll feel like I've known her since a long time ago.

MC: Maybe she feels the same way.

Xu Mo: So we'll click immediately and slowly lean against each other.

MC: Hahaha, as expected of our Professor Xu! Your imagination is so rich.

Xu Mo: This method really is effective and it can let me clear out my mind. After resting for a while, even my feelings are much calmer.

MC: Oh! Then Professor Xu will have two methods of relieving stress now.

Xu Mo: Two?

MC: Yup, during the day, you can look at the sky and imagine yourself as a free floating "cloud"; at night, in your dreams, you can be a "fish" swimming in the great sea with no restraints. Like this, regardless of whether it's day or night, you can say goodbye to your worries.

Xu Mo: Haha, I have to go up into the sky and then down into the water. Why do I feel like I'm even busier?

MC: Hahaha, that's true.

Xu Mo: However, compared to these, I have another method which I like even more.

MC: Oh? What is it?

Xu Mo: It's staying beside "another cloud" or "another fish". Even if we don't do anything, it can get rid of an entire day's worth of exhaustion and I'll be able to get a good rest. May I ask what she thinks about this method?

[Reducing Stress - Call]

Callbacks. I love PG's callbacks so much.

But, linking this back to everything, they're both exercising their imagination together and it shows their inner world more to each other. Not to mention, they literally bring back how he once dreamed about being a fish to escape the stress of his work.

Now, I'm changing gears again, but this time I want to talk about the physical world they're both in and how their different philosophies set them on opposite sides. I wrote about the [Use of Horror in Ch19 Study] and how, in that chapter, you can see her greatest fears manifested in what Ares does there, but also what she resolves herself to do.

They literally walk away from each other because, according to Xu Mo, their "destinations" were different from the very beginning.

However, when we get to Chapter 24...

MC: ... What if the future we both want is different? I might become your obstacle.

Xu Mo: Right now isn't the time to come to a conclusion.

Xu Mo: Reality will inevitably have pain. However, to run away from reality because of that will just lead to more regret.

Xu Mo: I'm certain the future you wish for will be beautiful and it'll be able to touch anyone's heart.

Xu Mo: You're going to take me to that sort of future. Right?

MC: ... Yes!

MC: But after the worlds become one, even if I fail then I won't be able to do things over again. If that happens...

Xu Mo: Everything will end.

Xu Mo: But that's the path you chose, right? I believe in your choice.

Xu Mo: This time, I'll follow behind you.

He had always been walking in front of me, but now he was entrusting himself to the choice I believed in.

I made my decision.

MC: Follow me closely then.

Xu Mo grabbed my hand and lightly swung it.

Xu Mo: Is this good?

My cheeks burned and I spoke incoherently.

MC: Then... don't ever let go!

Xu Mo: Mm, I'm holding on tightly.

He showed a gentle smile that was like the sunlight of spring.

Before I knew it, our fingers intertwined and it was like we exchanged a quiet promise.

I looked at our joined hands and something hot suddenly welled up in my heart.

In this immense space-time, there were countless obstacles stretched ahead of us. For a long time, we both walked with our backs to each other.

There were still unsolved mysteries between us, but now I felt like I could face anything.

This time it was my turn to pull his hand and run towards that spring without stopping.

That's love! This is love! He loves her so much!

From the beginning, Xu Mo and MC were people in different worlds (their innate nature and their philosophies) but, throughout their relationship, they both keep making efforts to understand each other and enter each other's inner worlds.

It literally culminates here in Xu Mo willing to set down his beliefs and follow hers. He's trusting in her vision of the future and that's basically a proposal from someone like him.

I literally don't have anything else to say without devolving into sappy poetry or romantic lines or something, but these two have laid their souls bare to each other and accepted every side of the other person, regardless of how alien, childish, vicious, ugly, or weird it can be. Literally, "If we want the rewards of being loved we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known."

#love and producer #mlqc #mr love queen's choice #mlqc lucien #mlqc xu mo #love and produc(ing) meta

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