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hauntednightmarekitty · 3 years ago

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We're All Here

Summary: Zelda is counting down the hours until midnight and she can go home to do what she has had planned for weeks.

Warnings: Suicidal ideation, thoughts of self-harm, drug mention, alcohol use, there's also some minor swearing at the end.

A/N: I tried a new writing style here, I used very little dialogue and focused mostly in the past, so I'm not super sure of how well it worked out.

7 hours until the new year. 7 hours until we could put this last year behind us. 7 hours until midnight.

Julian just arrived, fashionably late as always, with Nate on his heels. It was the first New Year's Eve they'd be spending with us. Julian just moved here last month and Nate just never paid attention to the Catholic school weirdos.

Void was laying on the couch, watching one of the many New Year's Eve specials. In fact, I think it was scrolling through a few of them when it got bored of one. Void and I had been friends since grade school. We both were disabled in one way or another and the teachers thought we'd get along for that reason. We both knew this even if they said we had similar personalities. Whichever reason was the true reason, we got along better than anyone expected.

Juliet was sitting on the floor next to Void, holding the hand that was hanging off the couch. Void introduced Juliet to me in sixth grade. They were in class together and the math teacher was getting after Juliet for using the incorrect formulas to solve equations even though she was getting them right. Void had none of it and called the teacher out, securing itself detention. Juliet was pulled into our circle from that day forward, never being able to pull herself away from Void.

6 hours until midnight. 6 hours until this miserable year was finally over.

Julian was sitting in Nate's lap now, watching some singers perform in NYC. I couldn't name them if I tried. I never kept up with singers, preferring to stick with the few that I listened to. Nate has a beer, he would bring it to his lips every few minutes, taking a sip, then set it back down on the arm of the chair. Julian must not have told him that both of us are in recovery. We weren't planning on drinking, Void and Juliet are usually fairly sympathetic to mine and Julian's situations, but Nate had brought the beer and decided to drink it, even if he was the only one drinking. I was ready for this year to end, but I can't even imagine how ready Julian is.

Void had migrated to the kitchen with Juliet. They were in there talking and making cookie dough, the scent wafting through the rest of the house. I don't think they planned on baking anything, I think they planned on eating the dough raw. Juliet and Void started officially dating in 9th grade, but we all saw it coming years before that. They were always touching in some way whether it be holding hands, snuggling, or just casual touch. They'd silently sign to each other when they were in large groups and they'd giggle when they weren't. Everyone knew that they'd get together and everyone knew I'd be left as the third wheel.

5 hours until it was finally over.

Nate was slightly buzzed. That much was obvious. He planned on staying the night - everyone was staying the night beside me - so he didn't care about how drunk he got. He didn't have to drive home. He was nuzzling his nose into Julian's shoulder and collar bone. He wasn't kissing or biting, just smelling Julian's cologne and showing his boyfriend how much he loves him. I can't imagine how it feels to be loved that much. How it feels to know that someone would do anything for you. Nate would do absolutely anything for Julian. Julian seemed happy with the situation. I guess he would be. It seems nice.

Void and Juliet had made their way back to the living room with a bowl of uncooked cookie dough to share between the five of us. They were snuggling, as always. Juliet's hand rubbing circles in Void's thigh, its arm wrapped around her shoulders. I never understood why they stuck with me when they were so happy together. Especially this last year. I've been a burden on both of them. Pulling them down when they needed support. Disappearing when they needed company. Keeping so many secrets. I had gotten prescribed opioids for my pain early last year, and my use spiraled out of control until I was faking prescriptions, counting pills to make sure I had enough, and crushing and snorting them. They didn't find out about what I was doing until my mom did. Until she sent me away to rehab. Made me attend the NA meetings where I met Julian. I would've left me, so I don't understand why they stay.

4 hours until the end. 4 hours until it was all over.

Nate and Julian had moved to the floor, freeing up the chair for me to sit. They were nestled in a pile of blankets, where they'd be sleeping tonight, with Julian's head on Nate's chest. Julian and Nate just worked for some odd reason. They were total opposites and yet they were perfect. Julian was a loner with few friends. He was dark and came with a lot of baggage. A kid that people usually didn't want to befriend. However, Julian also made an attempt to befriend anyone else. Nate, on the other hand, was the school's golden boy. He did great in his classes and was the star quarterback on his football team. He befriended everyone he met and could date anyone in the school. Anyone who had eyes would fall for Nate. But he chose Julian. He wanted Julian like no one ever wanted me. Like Julian, I was a loner, last to be picked for everything. The only difference between us is that I haven't found the person that'd pick me first every time.

Void had taken out its cochlear implant and discarded it on the coffee table. Its head was in Juliet's lap and their eyes were closed while Juliet carded through its hair, obviously brushing over the shaved side. If I didn't know better I would think that it was sleeping, but I could see its fingers tracing circles over Juliet's knees. It never missed an opportunity to stay up late and would try its hardest to see the countdown. Juliet, however, liked to see if she could make it fall asleep before midnight. She never managed to, but you never know what the future may hold. Void and I used to bet on who could stay up until midnight on New Year's Eve when we were younger. I almost always lost, falling asleep early nearly every time. But that all changed when Juliet joined our group. Maybe it was because we could both easily stay up until midnight now or maybe it was because Void was embarrassed by some of our old rituals. I'd never ask, so I'll never find out. Honestly, I don't want to know.

3 hours. 3 hours until I could be done.

Julian was perched on the arm of my chair now. I think he noticed that I wasn't talking much and wanted to give me some attention. He was pushing my wheelchair, which was next to the armchair I was sitting in, back and forth with his foot, unable to make eye contact with the silence between us. Julian always did better when talking to other people. It was easier for him to talk to Nate or Juliet, even Void. There were always too many lapses in conversation between us. Too many silences. Rarely were they awkward - we were both comfortable with them - but it didn't make for very good conversation. I always felt like Julian would rather be talking to anyone else.

Nate was still on the floor, watching Julian from his cocoon of blankets. I didn't see why Julian wouldn't just go back to snuggling with Nate. It had to have been more enjoyable for him. He always liked being close to Nate whether he admitted it or not.

Void was still laying with its head in Juliet's lap. The only movement that it made in the last hour was turning onto its back to be able to talk to Juliet. It was able to read lips fairly well and even without its cochlear on, it could still communicate clearly. I just couldn't get its attention as easily now since it couldn't hear me. It prefers to talk to Juliet anyways. They always tell each other their secrets. In eighth grade, Void came out as nonbinary - endergender to be more specific - and Juliet was the first person that it told. Just a few years prior I would've been the first person it came out to - it was the first person who I told I was a lesbian - but ever since Juliet came into our group Void would tell her everything.

2 hours until everything was over for me.

I should just leave now. Leave early. It would save everyone the next two hours of suffering with me. But I couldn't leave early. It'd be too suspicious.

Julian went back to the floor with Nate. He always went back to Nate. And Void was still laying on Juliet. They all leave me without anybody. A useless fifth wheel.

1 hour. 1 hour until I could go home and end it all. I wanted to leave early. I wanted so desperately to leave early. Would anyone even notice?

30 minutes.

Juliet was calling out the time every ten minutes. Like I'd forget how long is left.

20 minutes.

Julian was sitting up now, Nate's hand was rubbing up and down his back.

10 minutes.

I got back in my wheelchair, ready to leave the sexing the ball dropped.

5 minutes.

I was so close.

4 minutes.

Couldn't time move faster?

3 minutes.

I was ready to leave.

2 minutes.

I wanted to leave.

1 minute.

Please….

3...

2…

1…

"Happy New Year!" Everyone shouted in unison as the ball dropped on the tv. Void had jumped up off the couch, but I was already heading to the door before I could see anyone else's reaction.

"You're leaving so soon?" Void's cool, dry fingers dug into my arm, not letting me move an inch further. "You've been off all evening. What's going on?" Its cochlear was back on and that's how I knew it was serious.

"I just don't feel well," I lied through my teeth as I tried to pull my arm out of its iron grip.

"That's a lie and we both know it." It kneeled to be able to look me in the eyes, its other hand coming to rest on the arm of my chair.

"I'm not feeling the party. I'm sorry."

"Talk to me, Zelda. I can't fix what I don't know about."

"How do you not know?"

"Huh?" Its eyebrows pinched up and it tilted its head, an obvious sign of confusion.

"I have been spiraling for the last year, but you've been too busy with your little girlfriend to notice what's up?"

"My little girlfriend? Juliet? You like Juliet. And I thought you were doing better now."

"How am I supposed to be doing better when my life is in shambles? I can't even walk long distances anymore, I lost my best friend years ago and it has only gotten more distant since then, and I'm constantly the fifth wheel when we hang out. I'm literally useless. You guys pair up and I'm left alone." Tears were falling down my cheeks now. I didn't want to talk about this. I didn't want to tell Void, but it all came bubbling up.

"Zelda, I didn't know you were feeling this way. You seemed like you were doing so much better."

"Well, we don't talk about the important things anymore. You talk Juliet and I keep it locked away."

"Please just stay. I can make it better. I just don't want you to go home right now. What were you planning on doing?"

"I have a bottle of sleeping pills in the cabinet. I was going to take them."

"Fuck, Zelda. You're staying here tonight and first thing in the morning I'm calling your mom. You're lucky she's a heavy sleeper or I'd be calling her now."

"Zelda," Juliet crouched on my other side and gently took my hand. "I can let you have more one-on-one time with Void. I didn't realize it bothered you like that. I don't like hurting you, you know that."

"And hey," Julian plopped himself down in front of me, a small smile hinting at his lips, "if they're off on some sickly sweet date, you can always come to my place and we can play video games or some shit."

"See, we're all here for you. Nobody wants to see you suffer," Void said as it wiped a tear off my cheek. "We're all here."

#tw suicidal thoughts #tw suicide mention #tw drugs #tw alcohol #haunted writes #lgbtq characters #lgbtq+#nonbinary #wlw #sapphic #gay girls #gay boys #endergender

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yoitssabrinee · 7 years ago

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POROUS [02]

I cranked two chapters in a single day. I am ashamed proud of myself tonight.

Now my head hurts and I want to write more.

WARNING: None, probably some angst but not much?

PAIRING: Ignis Scientia/GN!Reader

SETTING: Post-Brotherhood Era; AU of sorts.

A/N: it really got a brain of its own, idk what happened

PART: 01 | 02 | 03

You woke up to the smell of fried eggs, and the sound of Ignis cursing to himself.

Bright light was streaming from the curtains, parted to allow the flow of air from the open balcony. It was strangely humid, and the breezy wind coming from outside wasn’t enough to cool the heat. Taking another moment to re-orient yourself, you realized that you were sweltering under a thick layer of blankets.

Pushing the fleecy materials off, you sat up, noting that the plushy thing you’ve slept on was actually the couch of your living room. The apartment still smelled of fried eggs and something that reminded you of sausages, but you were too drowsy and lightheaded—plus still groggy—to stand up and find the source. But even then, you hadn’t need to, because someone’s footsteps were making their way through the hall, and then Ignis was right beside you, balancing a tray on gloved hands.

“Good morning,” he said, his tone light and soft. “I made breakfast. Would you like to have any?”

“Ignis?” you said, rubbing a bleary eye with one fist to wipe off the sleep. “W-why are you here?”

He put the tray on the coffee table before you, and it was then you realized the television was on; it was playing the morning news, though the sound was muted. You took note of the items displayed on the tray before you—thinly sliced ham on toast, fried egg on top, a block of butter complete with its own knife at the side, grilled cocktails, and a jug of warm milk.

Even in your state of disorient, you were touched—Ignis remembered your favorite breakfast.

“You were feverish,” he said, pulling off a glove and placing a cold hand on your sweating temple; by then you suddenly felt a sharp spike in your head and winced, and he grimaced. “You must have been in the rain for far longer than I thought. My apologies for not coming for you sooner."

You blanched at his words. Rain? You were soaked in rain? Another sharp throb and you winced again, and suddenly Ignis was clutching your wrist, gently pushing you down to lay on the couch again.

“Easy,” he said, then leaned back to grab a glass of water and a couple of white pills from the tray before handing them to you. “Here, swallow these before you eat. Slowly, now…”

You downed the pills, and then the water, and then you were handing an empty glass back to Ignis, who took it and placed it on the table. He was still holding you by the wrist, but his hold was gentler.

You looked at him, and he shot you a warm smile.

He asked, “Now, how about that breakfast?”

It took a while for your brain to reorganize itself, for it to pick up tidbits of information that were once holes in your memories, for it to register and process the emotions behind them as realization dawned on you, and nearly made you bawl again.

It pained you.

You knew it pained Ignis, too; seeing you broken and exhausted and sick, of course he’d want to know what had caused them. Yet he never said anything about, never asked you anything about what had transpired on that night. He simply hovered close by, asking if you needed this and that, disappearing for a few hours afterwards to cater to Noct before a meeting, promising to come back to cook dinner for you.

He hadn’t slept a wink; the angry red irritation in his eyes was proof of that.

You felt awful, even as you soaked yourself under the shower’s warm pour, dousing yourself in bliss. You should have known this would have happened; you should have picked up the signals before, but you didn’t, you didn’t, and now it was all your fault that Ignis had to stay awake the whole night to tend to you while you wallow in self-pity. Just because of—

Just because of—

A pang in your chest made you hunch over the tiled wall. It hurt to breathe, when your brain began replaying the scenes of that awful night. Furtive looks, sneering glances, a concerned waiter asking if you wanted a refill, and then—

And then—

You saw Ignis.

“Would you like another glass, ma’am?”

The waiter meant well, you knew. He didn’t mean to come prying into your personal space every half hour, trying to keep you company in his own way even when he was attending to other customers, but you knew.

You knew better.

And you should have known earlier.

Another call went unanswered; that was the twentieth voicemail you’ve left when you realized your date was late. An hour and a half late. You’ve ordered some snacks because you took pity on the loitering waiter who kept glancing at your table with hopeful looks, and because you were really, really hungry; you had refused Ignis’ offer to cook you dinner before, and now you were regretting it. His panna cotta would have been a great dessert in a sweltering environment such as this, but it wasn’t even humid or hot, it was almost night-time, and the atmosphere was becoming quite chill…

You squirmed in your seat; the clothes, while they accentuated your every curve and appeal, and was tailored to fit your size—courtesy of the prince’s chamberlain, because of his connections—was making you uncomfortable. Your skin was itching, sweat made the material slide on your body like rough parchment, and the whole thing was downright unbearable.

And worse yet, the looks thrown your way hadn’t eased the nervousness seeping in you. They were deriding, taunting snorts, and unheard whispers behind jeweled fingers; the restaurant you’ve picked was, after all, a high-end one, so of course someone of low class like you shouldn’t be here. But your crush—your date—seemed like the person worth the money you’d spend for, and if only they would show up now—

Until you chanced a glance outside the window—the spot you’ve reserved for that specific occasion—and you felt your blood turn cold.

There they were, your supposed date, strolling at the other side of the road, with someone else wrapped in their arms.

Immediately you turned your head the other way. It couldn’t be them, could it? They had promised you a date, and they were supposed to be here near two hours ago, but that person… it couldn’t be them. It couldn’t be.

You turned to glance at them a second time and—

There they were, looking straight at you, flashing white teeth behind a smile that had charmed you before. It didn’t charm you now.

The smile felt mocking, jeering, insulting.

And their partner was looking at you, too, flashing the same smile, white teeth and all, and you felt—

You felt—ridiculed.

You leaned in your seat, feeling hot and cold at the same time. Outside, thunder reverberated through the sky, signaling the oncoming rain, and you knew you should make it home before it poured; but somehow you remain rooted at your chair, sipping wine and taking bites out of the second snack you’ve ordered that night.

It felt like a long, long time, before you finally thanked the waiter for his hospitality, paid and tipped him with what’s left of your wallet, and made your way out through the entrance, ignoring all the glances thrown your way as you went past them.

Your supposed date was gone.

And just as you stepped out of the restaurant’s lounge, it started raining.

The can made a crinkling noise, the hand clenching it tossing it into the waste bin as the other reached out for another can.

Noct eyed that can warily.

Ignis couldn’t really give enough of two fat chocobo turds to care about the situation; he was tired, he hadn’t slept at all, and Noctis was trying his best to help him out despite being entirely incapable to do so while being lazy at the same time. And Noctis had always been lazy.

But this time, he couldn’t really have it in him to care about whether or not his charge was burdening him with yet more tasks to do.

Solid evidence was the piling mountain of empty Ebony cans currently deposited inside the waste bin, and he was prepared to drain another as he ran through the half-assed notes Noct had written for the report he sent last night, biting back a curse at a slight throb behind his eyes.

The two dozen boxes of Ebony cans he’d bought blocked the sunlight from irritating his eyes further.

Noct was still eyeing the can in his hand warily.

He heaved a deep sigh, pulled his head from its awkward position of ducking down to read the notes splayed on the table, and fixed Noct with an even look. “Anything interesting plastered on this thing, Your Highness?”

Noct pulled his eyes away from the can and shot Ignis a look with his brows furrowed. “You okay, Specs?”

Ignis sighed. “I’m in perfect condition, Noct,” he said in a clipped tone. “You would do best to care more about your gods-forsaken notes than my well-being at the moment. Your handwriting is horrendous.”

Noct winced, hissing behind clenched teeth even as his face remained impassive. “Ouch, Igs,” he said. “That stings. What’s got your knot all tangled up?”

“Nothing.” Ignis was fast to respond, and the dark-haired prince narrowed his eyes at him in disbelief. “It would be imprudent for you to try to prod me for information that doesn’t concern your future as crown prince of Lucis, Noctis. I am fine.”

Noct hissed again, but this time it was more grimace than impassiveness. “Geez, dude,” he said, leaning back on his chair and crossing his arms over his chest. “You coulda been nicer ‘bout it.”

But Ignis didn’t say anything.

In retrospect, he knew he was crossing a line; taking a jab at Noct’s status as the sole heir to the throne and pressuring him about it was probably as far as he dared himself to make in this state, but he knew he had offended his charge, if Noct had shown any signs of being offended. Still, he was irritable, he was being irrational, and he had one too many cans of Ebony to even think straight anymore—

He slammed a hand on the papers, and Noct nearly jumped out of his clothes.

“Whoa there,” he said, eyeing the hand. “That’s… kinda-“

“-rude, I know,” Ignis cut him off; he had settled his other hand on the bridge of his nose, glasses off now. “My apologies, it seems that my bearings have gone off track as of late. May we continue this when I’ve finally gotten myself together on a more appropriate-“

“Dude, no,” Noct cut him off before he could go on. “Go home. Take the rest of the day off. Tomorrow, too. I’ll tell dad myself.”

Ignis, too surprised to respond properly at first, looked up from his position so fast his head felt as if they were spinning. “I beg your pardon?”

Noct was grinning now, leaning on one arm as he fingered his notes with the other. “I mean it, go home, help yourself with some well-deserved nap or whatever, do anything you want, I don’t care,” he said, not looking up from the papers littering the table. “You really look like you need it. So, uh, yeah, do whatever, I’ll tell dad you’re taking today and tomorrow off because you’re sick.”

And Ignis could only stare at him, surprise evident on his face.

“My word, Noct,” he said after a long moment of silence. “I never thought you were capable of such compassion, considering you liked to put your subjects under dire stress.”

“What was that supposed to mean?!”

#honestly this came outta nowhere #im supposed to work on like #two projects now #and now this #ignis #ignis scientia #ffxv #final fantasy xv #ignis scientia x reader #ignis x reader #final fantasy xv fanfiction #ffxv fanfiction

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my-one-love-is-music · 8 years ago

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I’m the One with the Ghosts in My Head

Summary: When things had finally become to much for Tim, he was ready to end it all. But a certain ghost brought some unexpected joy back into his life and helped change everything.

A/N: Mood Music: “Ghosts” by PVRIS

Also on AO3!

Tim didn’t know when his depression started. Couldn’t pinpoint the exact dates when his thoughts of suicide had cropped up. But he knew the first time that he met Jason. Could remember it all in stunning clarity because it was the moment that changed everything.

Tim had been laying in his bed. It was late on a Saturday night and he was home alone, his parents having left hours before to go to some gala that was being held. He thought that this would be the moment. This would be the chance that he would have to finally end his crappy life and find some peace. The furthest that he’d gotten was to grab the bottle of pills from the medicine cabinet. He wasn’t even holding it, it was just sitting on his bedside table as he stared at it.

“What are you doing?!”

The sudden voice in the unbearable silence that had been pressing in on him, made Tim jump and scramble to sit up in bed. He was worried that his parents had come home early and found him with the pills. He didn’t need their disappointment added to the crushing weight that he was already having to deal with.

But it wasn’t his parents. He couldn’t say that he was looking at a ghost. He couldn’t. It was impossible. And if he even conceded and accepted the fact that it was a ghost that was in his room, he didn’t even know him. Didn’t recognize the boy at all. Was certain that he’d never met him before in his life.

“Who are you? What are you?” Tim gasped, shrinking in on himself.

The boy walked towards him and crawled onto the bed, crossing his legs and perching one of his elbows on his knee so that he could prop his chin in his hand.

“My name’s Jason. And I’m a ghost, duh. What’s your name?”

“Tim.”

“So, Tim,” Jason said, quirking an eyebrow, “just what, exactly, were you planning on doing with that bottle of pills?”

Tim flushed and looked away. “None of your business,” he answered petulantly.

“Well it looked, and I’m sure anyone else who could’ve walked in on you while you made goo-goo eyes at the bottle, like you were planning on taking more than the recommended dosage.”

Tim hunched his shoulders and pulled his knees to his chest.

“Great, I’m depressed, I’m suicidal, and know I’m hallucinating a ghost,” Tim groaned.

“I’m not a hallucination. And take it from someone who’s dead…you really don’t want to end up on the other side of the ground any sooner than you have to.”

Tim opened his mouth to retort. What he wasn’t expecting was for everything that he was feeling, or wasn’t feeling for that matter, to come pouring out. If he was going to hallucinate another person, he might as well go big or go home and make it useful.

“I’m so tired. All the time. Dying honestly sounds like a vacation compared to everything else.” He could feel the tears gathering at his eyes and knew it would only be a moment before he was hiccupping out sobs. “I don’t want to deal with it anymore. I just want it all to stop. I’m so alone and have no one to talk to. Not even my parents. I can’t face the inevitable disappointment that they’d have towards me.”

When he looked back up at Jason he was frowning at him. “Hey…no more of that now, hm? And I won’t let you be alone anymore.”

Tim wiped at his eyes. “What do you mean?”

“I’ll keep you safe when things get bad. When your head gets a little too much. You can talk to me and I’ll listen to whatever you have to say. You don’t have to be alone anymore.”

“R-really?’

Jason smiled, sweet and small. “Really. But you have to promise me something.”

“What?”

Jason pointed at the pills. “Get rid of those. It’ll be better if you don’t keep them.”

“Okay.” Tim got up from the bed and grabbed the bottle. He considered just tossing it into the drawer of the table, but knew that Jason would probably bug him about it unless he took it somewhere else. He pushed open the door to his bedroom and walked down the carpeted hallway until he got to the bathroom. He replaced the bottle in its original place in the medicine cabinet and hurried back to his room.

Jason had left his spot on the bed and was currently inspecting the different areas of his bedroom. It was strange to see a ghost or hallucination or whatever he was walking around because even though his feet were where they would’ve been if he was really standing on the carpet, there were no footprints. No sound.

“Your library is terrible,” he said, scowling.

“Excuse me?”

Jason pointed at his bookshelf. “You barely have any fiction and what you do have is lacking the classics. Pride and Prejudice, Wuthering Heights, Jane Eyre, Dracula! I can’t believe you don’t own those.”

“Well, I kind of prefer photography to reading,” Tim said, trying to explain, what, he wasn’t sure.

Jason snorted. “Yeah, I saw. You sure have an obsession with Batman.”

Tim shrugged and moved to sit back on his bed. “Batman’s cool and all, but I prefer Robin.”

Jason joined him quickly, sitting opposite of him and mimicking his posture. Tim thought he looked rather intrigued by that knowledge.

“Robin, huh?”

Tim nodded and bit his lip. “Yeah. He’s just so amazing! The way that he runs across rooftops and fights bad guys. He’s not afraid to hit hard and put people in their place. I like it,” he gushed, face flushing.

“You really like him, huh?” Jason asked, grinning.

“Yeah, but…” Tim’s face fell. “The last time that I went out to take pictures, I couldn’t find him.”

Jason’s grin fell. “You probably won’t be seeing him again soon, either.”

Tim furrowed his brows. Took the time to really look at Jason. He gasped and sat forward, leaning in for a closer look even as Jason tried to back away from him. “You’re Jason. Jason Todd.” He felt the tears come back with a vengeance and sniffled. “What-what happened? Who killed you?”

Jason looked somber. “It was my own fault, really. I fell for the Joker’s trap. And now I’m here.”

“B-but why? Why are you here?”

Jason shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe the universe decided that since I could no longer be Robin, it’s my job to help a lost little boy.”

Silence descended between them. Tim sat back, giving Jason more space and they just sort of looked at each other. Accepted that they were there together. It wasn’t until later when the distant sound of doors being opened and closed drifted up to Tim’s room that they came back to themselves.

“Shit, my parents are home!” Tim hissed. He looked frantically between where Jason was still sitting and the door.

Jason sighed and pushed himself from the bed. “I’ll catch you later, Timmy! It was nice meeting you.” He walked over to the window.

“Don’t call me Timmy,” he hissed back.

“Tim? Are you still up?” his mom spoke up from the other side of his door. “I’m coming in.”

“Later, Timmy!” Jason chuckled before slipping out the window.

Tim let himself fall backwards onto his bed in front of where Jason was already waiting for him. He’d just gotten back from an utterly exhausting day of school and all he wanted to do was nap.

“You’re back,” he mumbled.

“Where else am I going to go?” Jason asked. “As far as I can tell, you’re the only who can see me.”

“That just adds to the argument that you really are all in my head and I’m going insane. Maybe I should just be committed to Arkham.”

“Even if I was just a hallucination, which I’m not, that still wouldn’t make you crazy enough to go to Arkham.”

Tim hummed. “He’s getting worse you know.”

Jason sighed. “What’s he doing this time?”

“He’s fighting a little too hard. He’s getting close to the edge of his morals. I think he almost killed one of the criminals he was supposed to take in the other night. He misses you.”

“Isn’t Golden Boy doing anything about it?”

Tim shook his head. “Dick hasn’t been back to Gotham. He’s doing his own thing.”

Jason hummed. “You know, he was my last hope. He was the person who I believed in the most. Because after everything that went south in my own life and the shitty people that I was forced to encounter, he was good. He helped me and he was working to help Gotham. I may not entirely agree with his methods, especially since I’m dead and the Joker’s still alive, but he was making a difference.”

Tim opened his eyes and rolled on his side, pillowing his head on his arm as he looked up at Jason. It was strange to finally recognize just how transparent he was. That he could see the outlines of the frames that were hanging on the wall behind him.

“Maybe you could help,” Jason said, thoughtfully.

“Me?!” Tim asked. “What can I do?”

“You can help.”

Jason made it sound so simple. Almost like the answer should be obvious. It wasn’t.

“How can I help? All I do is follow him around at night and take pictures.”

Jason huffed. “Well you’re obviously good enough to be bounding across rooftops already so that’s a start. But you could become his next partner.”

“You can’t be serious,” Tim said, pushing himself into a sitting position. “How can I help someone else when I’m so messed up myself? Isn’t that a sort of backwards way of going about the situation?”

“You’re overthinking this, Timmy,” he sighed. “As much as I hate for him to take on someone else when he hasn’t done anything as a result of my death, I still think that you could do it because you’re strong. You’re already a survivor because as many times as you’ve wanted to end it all and take those damn pills, you haven’t. You’ve pushed through and gotten to where you are right now. I wouldn’t trust anyone else to handle this situation.”

“But you don’t even know me.”

“Not that well, no. But that doesn’t mean I can’t see how earnest you are and how much you care, even if it’s mostly directed at other people. And maybe, just maybe, this’ll give you a stronger incentive to keep living. As great as these past few days have been just getting to hang around you whenever you’re here, I can’t be the only thing that keeps you around. So go. Be the next Robin or partner or whatever that Batman needs. Bring him back from the edge.”

Tim shook his head frantically, shying away from Jason’s space. “I can’t-“

“You can. And I’ll be there with you. I promise.”

“How?”

“I’ll watch you train. I’ll help you study. I’ll patrol with you. I won’t let anything happen to you. Well, I’ll keep bad things from happening as far as I’m able, anyway.”

“You really think that I can do it?”

“Timmy,” Jason said with a mixture of fondness and exasperation. “You can do anything. And I think that you’re the best person to follow after me. Not literally, but as Robin.”

Tim nodded. “And you’ll come with me.”

“Absolutely.”

Tim nodded again as he thought through everything. “Okay,” he said, pushing himself from the bed. “Let’s go then.”

“Where?” Jason asked, following him to his bedroom door.

“To Wayne Manor. Might as well get started as soon as possible.”

Tim groaned as he fell onto his bed in the early hours of the morning. Jason laughed at him and Tim tried to glare, but it was interrupted by a long yawn. Training was hard. But with Jason by his side and the signs of his own improvement, it had brought a little bit of happiness back into the dark expanse of his life. Convincing Bruce to take him on hadn’t been easy, but Jason just had him keep going back until he couldn’t turn him down.

“You’re getting really good, you know,” Jason said.

Tim shifted, groaning as his sore muscles stretched and pulled.

“Says the guy who just gets to hang out on the sidelines and watch.”

“Hey, I had to go through the same training that you’re getting. B didn’t just let me go out right away. He had to make sure that I was prepared, just like he’s making sure that you’re prepared.”

Tim shifted around until he was under his blankets. Jason laid down next to him, seemingly shining in the darkness amidst everything else. It was both breathtakingly beautiful and heart wrenchingly sad at the same time.

“I just hope that I don’t end up falling asleep in class tomorrow. I have a test.”

“Go ahead and get some sleep. You’ve earned it.”

“You’ll be here when I wake up?” Tim asked, voice drowsy and thick with sleep as he began to drift.

“Of course. I’ll always be here for you.”

The first time that Tim had tried on what would become his Robin costume, Jason had wolf-whistled and told him that he looked good. He tried not to blush too hard and if Alfred noticed as he made a few adjustments, which he probably had, then he hadn’t said anything about it.

“It does look good on you,” Jason said as Tim pulled his shirt back over his head. “Although, you’re still pretty stick-thin. You could use a little more muscle.”

Tim rolled his eyes, afraid to answer since he was still in the Manor.

“You’ll be going out on an actual patrol soon.”

Tim hummed.

“B’s looking better.”

He nodded.

“Master Timothy, if you’re ready, I can take you back home.”

“Coming Alfred,” he said, hurrying to follow the butler.

If Jason happened to linger a little longer behind him, then he decided that he wouldn’t ask about it. He could do as he pleased. He was a free ghost after all. He had every right to look around his old home.

Tim was having one of his bad days. He was tired. And everything seemed tiring. He wanted nothing more than to just curl up in bed and block it all out, but he needed to go and help Bruce. Needed to train because that would mean he would be able to patrol sooner and help him. He was better, but he still had his days. Just like Tim.

Jason found him curled up in bed. The lights in his room were off and he had a blanket pulled tightly around him. He was putting off having to leave as long as possible. He’d probably come to regret his decision, but he couldn’t really care.

“Hey, Tim?” Jason asked softly.

Tim lifted his eyes slowly and found that Jason was already laying down next to him. What he wouldn’t give to be able to reach out and touch. How he wished to have his arms wrapped around him and be held close by the one person who understood him above everyone else. The one person who cared enough about him to bring him back from the edge on his bad days. To give him the strength to keep going even when his mind traced back to the bottle of pills that were still in the medicine cabinet.

Jason smiled sadly, almost as though he knew what he was thinking. “You’re going to be okay. And I’ll be here with you.”

“I need to go train.”

“You need to make sure that you’re okay first.”

Tim sighed.

“If you miss out on one day it’s not the end of the world. Plus, I think it would be fun if the two of us spent the night in. We could watch a movie or order a pizza. Not that I could eat that.”

Tim’s smile was tentative, but it was definitely there. “Don’t say that.”

Jason just shrugged. “I’m already dead. There’s no need for me to eat anymore, or beat around the bush about it, but I can still enjoy a movie or two.”

Tim tightened the grip he had on his blanket. “You’re sure that they won’t be mad at me for taking a day?”

“As long as you let them know that you won’t be stopping by. B probably won’t even notice with everything else that he has to focus on. Alfred might try and convince you to let him bring over a lot of food though.”

“Alfred’s nice.”

Jason smiled wistfully. “Yeah. I think he’s the person who I miss the most. I spent a lot of time with him and he always knew how to calm me down.”

“Jason?”

“Yeah?” he asked, turning to face him again.

“What’s your favorite kind of pizza?” Tim asked shyly.

“Why? Are you going to order it and eat it in front of me?” he joked, smiling crookedly.

Tim shook his head. “No…but I’d like to know.”

“I like everything. Meat and veggies and cheese. It all tastes so good together.”

Tim pulled out his phone while Jason continued to talk about pizza, laughing when he highlighted on the horrors of putting pineapple on pizza. He sent off a quick message to Bruce saying that he wasn’t feeling well and needed a day.

The darkness was still there, lingering at the edges of his mind, but it was calmed. It was staying away thanks to the bright smiles and happy laughter coming from the ghost next to him. And it made him think that maybe for once, everything would turn out to be okay.

He also decided to get pineapple on his pizza just to spite Jason.

Tim stared out over Gotham with wide eyes. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing or that he was actually being allowed to patrol. It sort of helped him to understand why the vigilantes came back night after night. They might get hurt. Bones might break and their blood might run, but if they got to see what he was seeing? It made all of it worth it. Made all of his training worth it.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Jason asked at his side.

Tim nodded.

“I’m pretty sure that I had the same reaction the first time that I got to step out on top of one of these buildings, too.”

The wind ruffled his cape slightly.

“Come on, then. We don’t want to keep Batman waiting, now do we?”

Tim matched Jason’s smile and shot off his grapple. He finally took the plunge, but it was a different kind of plunge. One that he would come back from and he wasn’t alone. And Jason would always be there to make sure that he saw the other side.

The first time that Jason didn’t show up when he usually did, Tim thought nothing of it. He just assumed that he was off doing whatever he usually did during the day. He didn’t always spend time with him and he had the ability to pretty much travel anywhere.

So Tim hunkered down and worked on his homework before patrol, feeling more motivated to get things done than he had in a while. Being the new Robin and having Jason around had helped. He felt needed. He wasn’t alone. Even if Bruce had reluctantly taken him on, he still helped people. It felt good to stand above Gotham. Felt good to know that he was helping keep it safe.

He realized how much he liked having Jason’s chatter with him when he was flying across rooftops. It kept the silence at bay. Kept some of his more nasty thoughts from taking over everything and blocking other things out, even if they didn’t come quite as frequently as they used to.

He hoped that Jason would make it back to him soon.

Jason had been missing for a whole week.

Tim had tried to keep himself together. He’d gone patrolling, he’d gone to school, he’d done his homework… He made an effort to get out of bed every day even when the old tiredness began to set in. Even as his bones began to feel weary again and the darkness that had been kept on the fringes of his mind started to cloud his thoughts.

He missed Jason. Hadn’t realized how much he’d come to rely on him. Hadn’t realized how much he’d come to care about the boy who’d been killed. About the old Robin who he loved to watch fly and loved to take flying with him.

But he’d fought through the week. He’d told himself that he could keep going. He had to keep going, for Jason as much as for himself.

But he also had to consider the possibility that Jason wasn’t going to come back to him. That as much as he told him and had promised him that he would stay with him and wouldn’t let anything bad happen to him, something bad was going to happen. Because Tim didn’t want to deal with it anymore.

The sunshine and the fire that had come back into his life and that Jason had brought had dimmed. It had left him. He didn’t know how to find it in himself even when he desperately tried to. Even when he curled up in his blanket that had been there so many times to provide comfort. Had kept him warm when it was Jason who he wanted to envelop him.

That was gone, too. He didn’t have anyone else to turn to and if Jason was gone. If that spark that he’d come to love, that had only been reinforced by his ability to patrol, was gone…then there was no way that he was going to be able to find it in himself.

It was another Saturday. Just like the one when Jason had first appeared. His parents were at another gala. Bruce was either getting ready to patrol or he was already out there, taking care of everything. And just like before, Tim pulled the bottle of pills from the medicine cabinet and filled a glass with water.

He would be hurting Bruce all over again, he knew. He’d be taking another Robin from him, but unlike Jason, he was beyond saving. Had been from the start. Jason had only prolonged the inevitable and he was going to take the next step. He was going to bring it all to an end.

This time, Tim was sitting cross-legged in the middle of his bed. He had the bottle of pills held tightly in his hands. If he closed his eyes and thought hard enough, he could picture Jason sitting there, mirroring him. But there was no voice telling him to stop. No ghost looking on in horror at what he was about to do. At what he wanted to do.

He didn’t even realize that he was crying at first. Only noticed when his vision began to blur and tears fell onto the label that covered the orange bottle.

“I’m sorry, Jason. I tried to be strong. I really did. But you’re gone and I…I don’t know how to do this myself. I was never good at living, but you…you consumed me and brought me back to life even in your own death.”

Tim pressed the bottle against his forehead as a choked sob left him. He tried to will the tears to stop, knowing they would just make this harder. Make it take longer for him to swallow them all down. He wondered if it would be just as effective if he chewed them instead.

Taking one last shuddering breath, he twisted the cap off the bottle and looked down at the contents. It would be so easy. He just had to take them and then he could lay down and fall asleep. It would be peaceful. He wouldn’t have to fight anymore. He turned to reach for the glass of water that he’d set out when glass exploded behind him.

Tim ducked his head, listened as the shards tinkled and fell to his carpet.

“Tim!” a panicked voice called out.

His breath caught. Because he knew that voice, but there was no way. Well, there was a way. He’d been privy to it for months, but it was never accompanied by breaking glass.

He turned slowly, not even making it all the way around when his arms were grabbed firmly and he came face-to-face with…

“Jason?” he breathed, sounding every bit as broken as he was feeling.

Jason looked down. Caught sight of the orange bottle that was still in his hands. He made some sort of strangled sound and pulled it out of Tim’s hand, flinging it across the room, spilling white pills in his wake. He sat on the bed and pulled Tim into his arms, holding him close.

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I never meant to leave you like that. I didn’t even know what was happening. Just that I wasn’t here and I’d left you and you didn’t even know why.”

There was a moment of nothing. The pause before the storm. The silence at the start of dawn.

And then Tim was sobbing. Heart-wrenching, body-wracking sobs as he clung onto the shirt that covered Jason’s chest. And Jason was so big and different, but he couldn’t even care because he was there and he was real and he was alive. And he was holding Tim. Had his arms wrapped tightly around his slim frame and was rocking him back and forth the way that Tim had wanted almost since the first day they’d met and Jason had caught him with the pills.

“I-I thought you were gone. I thought that was it. That’d you’d left me. I didn’t have anyone else. And everything was so wrong without you. I d-didn’t know what to do, Jason,” Tim forced out in between gasping sobs.

“I know. I’m sorry. But I’m here. And I’m never going to leave you again. I’ll move into this fucking house if I have to, I don’t care. B can try and take me away from you all he wants, but he’s not going to get in the way.”

Tim sniffled and wiped his nose on his sleeve. He was still crying, but he’d calmed down slightly. He pulled back to look up at Jason who reluctantly let space come between them. “How are you alive?”

Jason got a grim expression on his face. “Apparently there’s this magical pit that can bring people back to life and I became privy to it.”

Tim nodded. “I’m glad that you’re okay. I’m glad that you’re here.”

“Me too. You don’t know how many times I wanted to be able to hold you when you were having one of those days. How many times I wanted to be able to pull you close when we watched a movie or share that pizza. Without the pineapple of course,” he said, chuckling. “How many times I imagined what it would be like to take you out on a date and get to hold your hand and do gross couple-y things.”

Tim ducked his head. He was blushing, but he also knew that he had a pleased smile on his face. He twisted his hands in the fabric of Jason’s shirt to avoid meeting his eyes. “I…wanted those things, too.”

“Who are you? What are you doing here?”

Tim gasped as he was pulled against Jason’s chest and out of the bed. It took him a minute to fight his way out so that he could see what was going on, his confusion returning when he found Batman standing in his window. Jason was tense next to him and squeezed him in reassurance.

“Calm down, B,” he said, rolling his eyes. “If I wanted to hurt him, he’d be hurt by now.”

“What are you-wait.” He straightened from where he was perched in the window and stepped inside, walking closer to the bed. “Jason?”

“Right in one, Sherlock.”

“But, how?”

“Lazarus Pit.”

Bruce nodded slowly. “How do you know Tim?”

Jason and Tim exchanged a glance. Even though the tension had diffused from the situation, Jason was still holding him close.

“It’s a…long story,” Tim supplied.

“We have a lot to talk about,” Bruce added after a moment.

“That’s a bit of an understatement,” Jason shot back with a roll of his eyes. “We can talk later. I’m a bit tired after racing to get back to Gotham.”

Bruce nodded again and moved back over to the window. “I’ll see you later, then.”

Once Jason nodded, Bruce left them alone and Jason sighed, finally letting the last of the tightness drain from his muscles.

“So what happens now?” Tim asked.

“Now,” Jason said, pulling him over to the bed. “We can get some sleep. Like I said, I’m exhausted. And I could use nothing more than a good cuddle from this great guy that kept me company when I was a walking sheet.”

They shifted around underneath Tim’s blanket several times before getting comfortable. Tim was tucked against Jason’s chest and Jason had his arms wrapped tightly around him.

For the first time in a week, he found that he could rest easy.

“Evening, pretty bird,” Jason said, landing on the rooftop that he was perched on.

Tim huffed out a laugh, grin coming easily. He stood from his crouch and met Jason halfway.

“Weren’t you supposed to be helping Nightwing with something?” he asked.

Jason pulled off his helmet and ruffled his hair. “I was supposed to, but the little brat showed up instead so I thought I’d come find you.”

He snaked his arm around Tim’s waist and pulled him close, Tim’s arms automatically encircling Jason’s neck. Jason leaned down and captured Tim’s lips with his own, their twin smiles making for a very interesting kiss.

The days had gotten easier. Being with Jason helped. And when he had his bad days, Jason was there to hold him close and helped to comfort him. And when Jason had his bad days, then Tim could easily do the same. The darkness was still there, but he had a pretty strong light to help keep it away.

#jaytim #tw: suicidal thoughts #tw: mentions of depression #molim writes #new fic #have a new fic for the fourth day in a row

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