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mattnben-bennmatt · 3 months

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Matt Damon: Good Word Hunting

By Lisa Chambers for Written By (February 1998)

He's one of the rising young actors of Hollywood, and that's the way Matt Damon likes it. And, oh yeah, he writes, too. How he went about giving a push to his acting career is a story in itself: Putting his unfinished Harvard education to good use, he, with writing partner and fellow actor Ben Affleck, developed one of his college writing assignments into a script—Good Will Hunting. They shopped it around, fought for it, and won the opportunity to star in a movie they wrote, to be filmed in their hometown, Boston. Now they're on top of the world—and the critics' lists. We caught up with Matt on his car phone as he was driving across New York State where he talked about the beginning of his Will Hunting journey.

Lisa Chambers: Can you talk a little bit about the writing of Good Will Hunting? Have you always written, or was this the first screenplay that you tried to write?

Matt Damon: Well, I was an English major in college, but that's about the extent of my writing background. I didn't write this out of any sense of urgency to write or any sort of delusion that I was good at it, it was more out of frustration and desperation. Ben [Affleck] and I wanted to create work for ourselves because we couldn't get hired as actors. So we wrote this, and this was more a process that came out of acting—kind of improvisation and standing these scenes up and acting them out and then transcribing them and slowly cobbling it together.

LC: I first heard about your film from Jack Lechner (Exec. V.P., Production and Development, Miramax) who was praising you guys for being so smart for the way you went about it: writing the script and creating the therapist character as a role that could be played by someone well-known like Robin Williams. It really was that calculated?

MD: Oh yeah—it was absolutely calculated! We sat down and talked about what we needed to do to get the movie made and we knew from what happened with Reservoir Dogs—at least what we had read—that it got made, it got its money, because Harvey Keitel agreed to do it. And so we knew that if we got somebody who was somewhat of a name we could get the movie made. We could at least raise money, even if it wasn't as much as a half-a-million dollars, even if it was a hundred thousand dollars for a barely known actor.

LC: How did the actual writing process go for you and Ben?

MD: Well, we roomed together so we didn't really have any hard, fast schedule. We never forced ourselves to write. We just would sit down haphazardly, and a lot of times we wouldn't even be at a computer, sometimes we'd just be sitting there and strike up a conversation over lunch and we'd end up coming up with a scene that way. And then we'd go home and write it down. There was absolutely no rhyme or reason to it.

We don't have any kind of method or anything like that. I can't stare at a blank computer screen and write something. I know that as an English major I never made it through college. I made it through three years. I just can't do it; I'm not put together that way.

LC: I hate to keep hitting this same nail, but with the actual writing of it, were you trading off scenes, or who was actually taking down what you guys were coming up with?

MD: Well, Ben's a faster typist than I am, so a lot of times what would end up happening was he'd sit in the chair for the actual typing segment, but we pretty much would both sit by the computer.

There was a small period where I was doing a movie for cable TV where I was in Texas and we'd fax each other scenes. We'd say, 'All right, tomorrow, work on this,' and then we'd fax it, and then one of us would read it and then fax it back with scribbled notes on top of it. So it was basically the same method, it was just that we were in different places.

LC: How did you decide who would play which character? Or was that just obvious from the start?

MD: I started this thing as a one-act play five years ago, so I had already come up with the characters, and I basically invented this guy Will to play for myself. And I called Ben and said, 'I'm writing this thing and I'm going to write you in it, too,' because it wouldn't be very fun if I did this thing alone.

I showed him a forty-page rough draft in March of '93 and I said, 'I don't know what the hell to do with this.' And he read it and said, 'Well, I don't know what to do with it either, but I really like it.' And so we kind of decided to write it together at that point, and we put it on the shelf for like a year, and we didn't do anything. We wanted it to write itself. We didn't want to make it some kind of responsibility and then totally blow it.

LC: Did you have to do a lot of research? Because obviously the story is based in mathematics and therapy—or did all of that just come out of your imagination?

MD: Oh no, all of the math stuff is true. Once the movie was going we met with M.I.T. professors and professors from Toronto. We had a technical advisor who was a professor who also played a bit part in the movie who helped us with all of the equations and all of that. We probably wrote 1,500 pages of this movie. Just Will doing different things in different places that didn't pan out really, [laughs] didn't end up being very interesting.

LC: I read somewhere that the film started out being a thriller. Is that right?

MD: Yeah, absolutely. We basically superimposed this kind of, I don't know, this ridiculous kind of structure on it just because we were trying to get it made. And it was actually Rob Reiner who told us to lose that element, to make the movie smaller and more personal. And we were really lucky that we went [to him] first because I don't think anybody else would have [suggested that]. There were other studios who were much more interested in making it more of a thriller.

LC: Having seen the film it's hard to imagine it as a thriller--

MD: I know, me too [laughs]. It was hard for us to imagine writing it!

LC: Did you have to do a lot of rewriting? Once you had a script that you were happy with, were people trying to tinker with it as you showed it around?

MD: Yeah. We met with a lot of studios and they were basically saying, 'This is what we'd want to do with it.' And we went with the place that we thought was the smartest place for that movie. And there was a lot of development. There was a lot of rewriting that went on once we went to Castle Rock, and when we went to Miramax. There were a lot of really good meetings—we met a lot of really good writers, from Terrence Malick to William Goldman to Ed Zwick. There were a lot of people who were friends of the court who came in and threw in their two cents for us, which was great. It was really helpful.

LC: For a lot of writers, the whole rewriting process feels like hell, but it sounds like it was instructive for you.

MD: Oh yeah, totally. It was a really interesting experience. Just because we approached it as, 'This really isn't our forte, we'd rather just hear what you guys have to say about it.' And we listened to people's opinions and then it was a matter of personal taste. I mean, we did get in a fair amount of brawls in those rooms, [laughs] defending certain things. Sometimes defending the wrong things and then stepping away for a little while and seeing, 'Oh, I see what this person's saying or what that person's saying.' A lot of it is listening to notes and not making changes, too.

LC: One of the stories I heard was that you guys were taking the script around to different studios and you held out until you found a studio that would do it your way. I read somewhere that you really wanted a studio that would make it in Boston. That's the kind of thing you were holding out for?

MD: Yeah, that's right. That was really important. Who was going to direct it and where it was going to be shot were really, really important. Because you're walking a fine line with that movie to begin with in terms of making it too sentimental and just making it lame. So with a bad director and shot completely in Canada, you're going to get a, you know, [laughs] a sappy Canadian movie, and that's not what we wrote.

We really wanted it to be in Boston because that's really where we grew up, and that's what we were writing from, was from a position of strength. As great a writer as William Goldman is, he didn't grow up there so that's the one thing we can speak with authority on in a room with William Goldman—'No, sir, they actually don't say that, they say this, and we actually know that for a fact.'

We felt that the movie could really be blundered if it wasn't done properly. It turned out to be a bold move because we ended up leaving a studio for it, but it just was something that was absolutely necessary, I think, to make it good.

LC: Does the final film, then, accurately reflect your early intentions going in to it?

MD: Yeah, absolutely. It's also seen through Gus's [Van Sant] eyes, too, so it's always going to be different, the lens that you look through, but it's going to be either different through a guy like Gus Van Sant's eyes [laughs] or it's going to be different through some other guy's eyes, and obviously we would rather it be Gus.

LC: What's been the influence of the writing in all of the publicity that you've been getting? Is the writing going to remain a part of your career, or are you just going to focus on the acting now?

MD: No, it will definitely remain a part. We have a contract to write three more for less money than the first one sold for [laughs]—so they were no dummies. They kind of took a risk and it paid off—but we actually really like it.

An actor's existence, unlike a writer's, can be really debilitating in a sense that you don't control when you work. A writer can sit down and write any time they want to, and an actor really can't do that. I mean, you can perform monologues in your own living room for your cat, but it's not really the same thing. And writing was, for us, just to maintain our sanity, it was a really good thing. It will stay that, and making no kind of grand proclamations about what we might write, it really informs us as actors, too. I'm better as an actor because I did this. On a set I can talk to a writer in a whole new way, I think, and I have a whole new respect for what they do.

#matt damon #good will hunting #ben affleck #robin williams #gus van sant #on writing together #on working together #interview #quote #1998 #originals

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dyed-red · 2 years

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phyn! happy wincest wednesday! I am thinking about how Sam and Dean are both not great at sharing their feelings. they're inconsistent and bottle everything up until they blow up at each other. do you have anything to share about FEELINGS and the ways the brothers are similar, and different, in how they handle theirs? not sure where I'm going with this but have at 'er

mmmmmmm feelings. they taste so good when they're all suppressed and thorny. this is all opinion and initial thoughts and a super long post but here we go:

Similarities

Compartmentalization is the big one, to me. Although there are some differences in what and how they compartmentalize, both of them are masters at it. Dean is a bit more blunt about this, especially early on, although I'd argue the pendulum sort of swings at a certain point and we've got Sam with more boxes of unacknowledged shit he's placed in carefully organized rows down in the depths somewhere.

they're also both far more likely to use problem-focused coping, sam especially in the early seasons despite how he tries to get others to acknowledge their emotions. from seasons 1-4, at least, possibly including s5, sam's main (only?) coping skill is to Solve The Problem. this often looks like identifying the issue, researching it, finding a solution, committee 200% to that solution no matter how insane it might be, and putting that plan in motion.

(see: driving the impala into a derelict house in the pilot, the entire episode of Faith, the way he throws himself at finding dad and then at the yellow-eyed demon all to the detriment of saving others and his own life until dean pulls him back from whichever ledge it happens to be this week, the way he approaches the special kids stuff, then the entirety of season 3, and especially how this manifests in both mystery spot and the period we see in 'i know what you did last summer' when dean was dead, and it's part of what makes him so susceptible to ruby who promises solutions, and part of how he ends up rationalizing blood drinking and the kill lilith at all costs attitude)

and i put this under similarities because while dean is actually honestly genuinely better at emotion-focused coping than sam is in those early seasons, he is very solution-oriented in how he tries to approach feelings and emotional issues. this is most especially true for the big things as well: he wants to solve sam's grief in season 1 and he wants to do it by throwing him at women, he decides to solve sam's death by selling his own soul, he even attempts to (re)solve dad's orders to kill sam if needed by trying to convince sam that they should maybe give up hunting early in s2 (it's a weak and half-hearted attempt but worth noting).

and then of course there is just straight-up suppression. play through the pain, push it down and let it come out through bouts of alcoholism and violence, Do Not Talk About It even if you acknowledge its impact on you (sam and his grief over jess, both of them over john's death, dean eventually and his time in hell). this is different than compartmentalization in that it's there on the surface in a huge way and it's plain as day and you know it and acknowledge it but there's nothing you can do about it so you just sort of ignore it and refuse to sit with it or talk about it and just... continue existing with this wound bleeding inward or outward.

(see: getting angry and breaking things, being reckless or self-destructive and endangering self and others, etc. this is not a tactic that works. this is bottle up and explode.)

distractions is one i should mention here too, as one of their core (more healthy and adaptive) emotion-focused coping strategy, but i'm tempted to talk about it more under differences because they have really different distraction methods except for one. they both use fresh/new hunts to distract themselves from whatever it is that is causing them stress or pain.

Differences

continuing on the thread of distractions, dean uses media and escapism through narrative in a way sam simply Does Not. dean watches scooby-doo and horror movies and explicitly says he enjoys the escape and knowing that the bad guy is going to lose in the end. he references books and quotes them far more frequently than sam, everything from aesop to vonnegut, and we know that he loves music quite a bit, probably part of how he drowns out reality or escapes from it when he needs to.

in general, i think dean also dissociates more than sam does. this is integral in some of that 'dean as object' stuff. he separates himself from his physical body and steps behind it and away, so that what is happening to his body isn't happening to him, often when a monster or demon is threatening and implying some sexual violence.

conversely i think sam rationalizes and medicalizes a fair amount. he wants to understand and be able to explain (at least to himself) what his emotions are and what he's going through, because / as if the ability to understand and explain it provides a degree of power over it. sam craves control, and rationalizing affords illusory control over his emotions, allowing him to convince himself he has mastery over those feelings even when he's in fact very off the rails and being dragged around by his emotions like a dog on a leash.

this tends to mean that sam is up in his head explaining and re-explaining his own shit to himself until he's got a handle on it, and dean is out of his head escaping.

sam uses distractions as well, as i said with a new hunt, and with reading the lore. the lore thing is two-fold though -- it provides a sense of control over things again, illusory or real, because that knowledge can help in a pinch, even if it's not related to a current case. so he can kind of convince himself he's reading for work or for a present problem or that it will be helpful, even when he's using it as a distraction.

sam also somatizes more, i think, which is when your psychological stresses manifest in your physical body. we're dipping a little into headcanon territory here but i picture him as someone more prone to headaches and stomach aches than dean as a result of stress and anxiety (dean's stomach aches are earned through eating food he shouldn't have).

i connect this partly to sam's clean living/eating/exercising more as time goes on, although that is also about control. much like reading the lore 'just in case' and developing encyclopedic knowledge of things they may encounter no matter how far-fetched, eating well and exercising affords a small advantage against monsters.

exercising as a coping mechanism more general can also be a way to distract oneself and is a good emotion-focused coping mechanism when used to get restless energy out and improve one's mood. i think sam does use exercise adaptively and healthily like this and it's generally good for him, but yeah that it can and does tend toward obsessive control/coping sometimes.

something i think they do in different ways is also their problem- and emotion-focused approach to 'tend and befriend'. we can cope with our own shit sometimes by getting out of our own heads and focusing on others instead -- helping them with their problems or giving them stuff or just generally socially connecting with laughter and fun.

on this, sam likes to find a person experiencing a problem, get them to open up, provide empathy or offer words of support, and in so doing, stop focusing or worrying so much about his own shit. he does this with dean but also with victims on cases and gets more out of hearing about their issues and offering them advice/support than dean does. dean will engage in the practice too, but it doesn't emotionally feed him the way it does with sam, who processes his own emotions through empathizes with others, and dean does it out of necessity more than anything.

in contrast, dean likes to solve another person's problems for them (see: trying to throw sam at women) or distract himself by hearing about what is going on with others (see: asking cas to distract him when crowley and gadreel are co-possessing sam). solving their shit allows him to stop worrying about it or allows him space to process his stuff, potentially by hearing about theirs and having his own churn themselves along alongside the other person's, or in the meantime.

relatedly, dean also tends to mother hen others, and in so doing he uses caretaking as a means of coping with his own shit. this is part of dean's illusory control methods, because it affords him the sense that he's doing a job and if he does it right then things will be okay. he engages in caretaking by identifying and meeting the needs of others, and this is distinct from him trying to solve their problems only in how it tends to be more emotional, whether that's being 4 or 5 years old telling his mom things will be okay, as an adult pointing out bobby's drinking and later giving him whatever speeches he needs after he's become paralyzed from the waist down, and manifests in so many ways with john and with sam it's not worth counting.

tl;dr

while both brothers use compartmentalization, suppression, helping others, and distractions at a broad level, at a more specific level, both sam and dean have very different emotion-focused coping mechanisms, and different ways their problem-focused coping manifests.

sam hits his head against a problem until it cracks open, and does so rigidly and to his own (and the planet's) detriment until he is forced to learn some more emotion-focused coping mechanisms after the cage. he is always seeking a sense of control so he reads lore, eats well, pushes his body, and rationalizes/medicalizes until he can gain a sense of control. some of this is adaptive. eventually he learns to sit with his emotions enough to process them as they arise and threaten to overwhelm or overtake him, which allows him to compartmentalize them more effectively as needed.

dean copes with a similar sense of helplessness by distracting himself from the issue through hunting and the job, and sometimes through narrative transportation and by taking care of others, all of which can be adaptive for the smaller issues or one-off hurts, but causes him a lot more pain with the big stuff like his betrayal over sam going to stanford or his emotions about his father (john's death and his treatment of dean and their messed up dynamic all included) or what hell wrought on him. when bigger hurts stack up, much like sam, he is eventually forced to learn more adaptive or flexible ways to navigate overwhelming feelings, which i tend to think involves sitting with them and acknowledging them and allowing himself to think about them, something i don't think he did when he was younger except when he lost control over his compartmentalizing, but that allows him to go over them and then set them aside better, when ready.

for both of them, when circumstances demand or emotions overwhelm, they will open up and talk out or acknowledge the emotion. this tends to manifest in distressed sadness from dean and in distressed anger from sam, when they're at their wits' end, with dean expressing shame but seldom guilt, and sam expressing guilt but seldom shame. exceptions include how dean expresses guilt over ways he's hurt sam or others and how sam expresses shame over actions taken related to victimized aspects of himself. at the end of the day though, they both get better and more adaptive and healthy as time goes on at sitting with their feelings instead of trying to control or ignore them.

#characterization #long post #long post for ts #sam #dean #emotions #my meta #wincest wednesday #but no wincest to speak of sorry #also this is of course opinion #and if i thought about it a bit deeper i might come to different conclusions on some of these #so if you anyone feels differently and wants to point out or share why please feel free to rebagel and discuss!#right on queue

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i-cant-sing · 3 years

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So weird question, but how do you think a yandere couple would react to becoming attached to a surrogate mom? I thought of it because for a long time I've been weighing the pros and cons of being one, and now that I've been reading your content, I fear for my freedom from overly attached Yan-Couples.

I don't think Rei and Enji would get a Surrogate mom because they have enough kids I think.

But like Mic and Eraser would probably get one.

I just love this whole concept of yanderes obsessing over their surrogate, like its so beautiful. And its not just couples, even solo yanderes fit into this concept.

Okay, Erasermic is the first couple to come to mind that perfectly fits into this idea. They're just the most loving, kind, considerate yan couple out there, and they're just gonna softly but firmly, force you into a relationship with them. They'd never hurt you, before, during or even after your pregnancy, and yes, you can say bye to your personal space because they will be breathing down your neck every second they can. And yeah, overbearing yanderes sound so bad but believe me this is the best yandere couple to go to as a surrogate darling.

Now lets talk about Enji and Rei as a yandere couple. If you see them walking into the clinic, girl run and don't look back. They're literally the worst people to be a surrogate for because Rei is gonna be up in your business all the time, be passive aggressive with her obsessiveness less and just aggressive a lot more. She's pushing you onto her bed, telling you to rest as she tucks you in tightly and covers you up with a weighted blanket. She'll force you to sit in front of her as she does your hair and apply oils and masks because she doesn't want you to lose hair due to the pregnancy. She won't bother to wipe away your tears as she shoves another spoonful of her cooking into your mouth, even though you told her that you're full; and if you puke, she's gonna have to start all over again.

And Enji? He's such a softie for you istg but he's too much of a worrywart. His giant figure is always towering behind you, trying to see if you're gonna trip over your feet and slip (and die). It gets to the point that he's gonna start holding your hand, and when that's not enough for him, he's gonna lift you up and carry you around everywhere. He's always making sure that you're taking your meds on time, always listening to the doctors with complete attention (as of he hadn't done this 4 times before) and he wants to touch your round belly all the time. ALL THE TIME. And you only put up with that because he gives good massages, and also keeps Rei on bay as much as possible. Enji most definitely watches you while you sleep, checking every 10 minutes to see if you're still breathing. The most annoying thing would be how they would talk about you as if you're not right there, make big decisions that actually impact your life and future, and I highkey do think that Rei would punish you (could be encasing your foot in ice, or chaining you to the bed) and while Enji is there to save you, he's a hero so he's not around most of the time, which means you're at Rei's mercy. I also think that relationship will turn sexual a lot, even during your pregnancy. And as soon as you give birth, you already know Rei's making Enji put another baby in you, and this time by more... traditional methods.

And as for solo yanderes? My top 3 favs are: Kai Chisaki, Izuku and Bakugou. But we'll talk about them another time.

#yandere enji todoroki #bnha imagines #yandere mha #yandere dabi #yandere endeavor #bnha headcanons #yandere todoroki family #yandere bnha #yandere todoroki clan #yandere rei todoroki #yandere erasermic #yandere erasermic x reader #yandere eraserhead #yandere aizawa #yandere aizawa shouta #yandere present mic x reader #yandere present mic #yandere hizashi yamada

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heartfulselkie · 3 years

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Did you already watch the season finale or are you waiting for the eng dub? Tell us what you think about it :)

Yes! I watched the Gloob one as it aired and have watched the English dub now as well.

I'm still processing it, but first impression is that I enjoyed it! It really upped the tension and conflict that Risk established and gave some really good uninhibited character interractions.

I'm also glad that they resolved a lot of what needed to be resolved and left certain things open that could linger some more.

And the Ladynoir! The Ladrien! Some hella good food this episode! I love that Ladynoir finally got to have an openly verbal spat with each other and put out in the open their worries and fears.

I was a little disappointed at the end of Kuro Neko and didn't like the idea of that being the conflict all wrapped but, so I'm glad that it all came back in the finale. Because things weren't okay. They'd just been put aside until Risk forced them to say it aloud. And yeah they had a fight, but they still protected each other and had each other's back. Ladybug was angry over Chat not understanding her reasoning (in her mind it was sound, but she clearly still withheld stuff from him so it objectively wasn't) and then later on grew panicked that she had lost everything. Why would Chat come back to her when she had pushed him away and tried to control everything? When (in her mind) she had screwed up so badly this time? And she admits that!

She admits that her methods weren't ideal, even if the intention was good! Even though it took such a devastating blow, she realised that not relying on Chat has only caused problems and not actually helped anything, its only helped on hypothetical situations. She realises she got too involved in her own sense of control and trying to managed every what if scenario that she lost sight of the one who has been her most dependable and faithful partner. (I'm not complaining about Rena/Alya here. She has her role as Marinette's bff, but she cannot replace Chat/Adrien - the one who's been there from the beginning and got Ladybug to her feet every time.) I'm so proud she was able to recognise it, even if it came at such a low moment.

And then Adrien is clearly hurt by the involvement of Flairmidable (still trying to get my head around that. I keep going - furmidable? Furminator? Felix the furminator?) He knew a few of the other holders, but this is another one that is secret to him - and one Ladybug seemed very fond of at first. But while Adrien can be jealous and a little petty - he is not vindictive. So when Ladybug is breaking down in front of him as she becomes overwhelmed at her mistake and Felix's betrayal, he comforts hers, protects her and guides her as her partner always has.

And when she sits alone on the roof as Hawkmoth flaunts his victory, Chat takes his place at her side. Her ever loyal partner. They've both made mistakes, they've both fought with each other, but they still love each other so much and will always come back to each other and offer support no matter what they're facing. And Ladybug now fully realised this. The coup de foudre isn't her suddenly falling in love with Chat like she had Adrien, it's the culmination of all that she knows about her partner and just how much he means to her becoming too much to ignore. Adrien rejected her expectation of being a mean person like Chloe by showing his kindness and vulnerability. But now Chat has rejected her assumption that he would give up on her by remaining faithfully loyal to her.

She's fallen so low but he helps her stand again and see her surroundings, that she's not alone. Also the wall is fucking gone! It's a beautiful scene and I am still sobbing over it.

This season has left me feral. I can no longer be reintroduced to society for I am a love square mess and will bite/scream/cry/laugh every time I think of them now.

#nobody touch me #i am a sobbing mess #i love them #ml spoilers #ml strike back #ml s4 #ml s4 spoilers #ask Selkie

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1111jenx · 3 years

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🪐🤍Confession time tag🤍🪐

i have a pisces moon 7th house and my 4th house ruler is pluto in 4th house😀 i'll be rating some thing my mother has said that contribute to the person i am today.

fyi, my mom is a gemini sun, sagittarius moon, leo rising. don't worry i think im ok🥰🥰🥰

"friends are the best assets you can have in life" — 6/10. very deep. slight hippie energy. i lowk don't think its true now cuz she got scammed by 2 of them but ok go off i guess

"give out love and you shall receive the same amount of love" — 3/10💀 proves my point about her being a hippie. i did this and constantly getting fucked over by wrong people so i just ✨stopped✨ i'm ok now tho💀

*disappears to a trip in Bhutan to rediscover herself for a month and I didn't even notice* "I got you a chain look" — 7/10. the chain was cute. i'm used to her doing random things like that by then💀

"men are disposable." — ????/10. said this to me by accident and accidentally spilled teas about my dad to me??? not rating this bcuz they're still together smh✨

"get to know 100 men. date 10 of them. marry one of them" — 7/10. lowkey made me the bad bitch i am today. questionable method but go girls power👏🏼

"even when you're with the love of your life. always keep 30% hidden to yourself, show them only 70% of you. its human nature to chase so they won't get bored." — 2/10😄 gave me trust issues and i haven't had a single relationship that i can fully open up 100%.

"always learning even when you're 50. knowledge is power." — 10/10. best thing she ever said to me tbh. pushed me to study my ass off and made me a naturally curious person:D

"help me make kombucha" — 0/10. kombucha looks nasty. she scared my dog in the process.

"people stay together in a marriage not because of love. its also because of respect, of trust, of mutual growth. love may fades but these values remain." — 10000/10. made me question traditional marriage. contradict her point above but makes a lot of sense😇

"why are you crying? crying does nothing but make you sad." — 2/10. i WAS sad😐. kinda make sense. i rarely cried infront of her because we both refuse to talk emotions 😄

"why are you still up? go to bed you have class tomorrow." — -13938828292/10. i was up because she played vietnamese funeral music and started to sit down and meditate. i had a test the next day.

Um so up there are some uncommon aspects of having a Pisces Moon did to me😀 My mom was a great person by all means but our relationship is very unique and is anything but traditional.

I wanna tag my fellow bloggers to talk about their experiences with their Moon signs and rating things their mother/maternal figure has said to them👏🏼👏🏼

@hillarysss @notanastrologer @mind-collapse @vasnecia @madamsaturn @asstrolo @venusfun @saturnianneptune @peakersblindy @smadhuman @thegeminigod @steroline-sk @theperfumewitch @meandmypeace @sailor-solar @bratz-kitten @rattaemin @3amastrology @angelvibezluv @leolo404 and literally anyone that wanna join i'm blanking out bad😭

Take it easy and have fun with it yall!!

#tag game #astrojenx #astro notes #astrology observations #astrology #astrology notes #astrotips #moon signs #pisces moon #pluto 4th house #moon in the 7th house

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seonghwasriceball · 3 years

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Enhypen Reaction

To being jealous

Lee Heeseung

A difficult guy to make jealous, I think. Like, it's Lee Heeseung. It doesn't get much better than that. But, anyway, he wouldn't get jealous in a "Someone was flirting with my s/o, what if they woo them and I lose them" kind of way, but more in a "My s/o is giving someone else attention, and I want them to pay attention to me" sort of way.

You were at Enhypen's dorm to spend some time with your boyfriend, but the maknae line had called you away to play a game with them because they were tired of only interacting with people in their group. And for the first little while Heeseung was fine with it, happy even, he loved seeing that you and his group mates got along well, but after two hours, he was getting lonely. He didn't like that you were spending more time with the youngest three than with him, because you were there to spend time with him in the first place. At first, he sat in the room and stared at you for a while, hoping you'd get the hint, but when that didn't work, he went away to sulk in the bedroom. After about twenty minutes of self pity, Heeseung began to feel guilty, because he was the eldest, and therefore he should be more mature than this, and after all, they are kids. They need to interact with people, they're still growing and developing. But the way you hugged Riki when he lost a round instead of hugging him made Heeseung sad. So, instead of whining into his pillow, he texted you to ask if you'd come spend time with him any time soon, and started giggling and wriggling about when you told him you'd finish that round of whatever it was you guys were playing and you're all his. When you finally came and laid down next to him on the bed, he had the biggest, cheesiest grin on his face, and he basically pinned you to the bed with his body, his face in your neck, voice slightly muffled when he said,

"Hope you peed before you got here, because I'm not letting go any time soon."

To sum up, Heeseung will get quiet, then disappear when jealous. He'll recognise and acknowledge the feeling, and then feel bad and immature for it, but cuddles and reassurances from you make it all better.

Jay Park

Jay is more easily jealous than Heeseung, but again, not in an insecure way, but in a "this guy has the audacity to flirt with and touch my s/o? Nah, I don't think so" and a "that should be me with my arm around their shoulder" kinda way.

So, you were out with Jay shopping, and whilst in one of the shops, you met a classmate who was always kind of flirty with everyone but had been much more forward with you specifically over the past few weeks. It had made you pretty uncomfortable, but he wouldn't stop. You had told Jay about it when it would not let up, and he had asked if you wanted him to do anything about it but respected your wishes when you said no and that you just wanted to vent. But now, this guy was right in front of him, flirting with you and taking your hand to play with your fingers, ignoring Jay and his arm around your waist. When you took your hand back, and he reached out to take it in his again, Jay decided he had enough. Slapping his hand away and glaring at him, Jay pulled you closer to his body and proceeded to tell the guy off.

"They are quite clearly in a relationship, dude. And on top of that, extremely uncomfortable with you. Take a hint and back off, have some self-awareness."

Overall, Jay doesn't really get insecure kind of jealous, more of a protective kind of jealous. He just wants people to know you're taken, and above all, he wants you to feel safe and comfortable. I want one

Jake Sim

Cliché, I know, but I will push the soft boy Jake agenda as far as I can. Jake doesn't get jealous much; he loves and trusts you way too much for that. He wouldn't put his entire heart and soul into you if he didn't. But, sometimes, he'll see you post a picture with some friends, or see you talking with them so freely and excitedly, or you'll mention one name more frequently than usual. He'll start thinking about how being an idol means you can't do all that stuff with him out in the open, and he can't always be there for you when you need him like that one guy from your class can. So, he gets sad and starts to close in on himself. He's more quiet than usual and doesn't joke around with the boys as much.

After class, you had gone straight to the dorm to congratulate your boyfriend and his group on their successful promotions stream fever. You were currently telling Jake about your day because he always insisted you tell each other everything, just to stay as connected as possible. You mentioned one name a lot more than you usually did during your story because you were set up to do a project in pairs, and he was your partner. The guy in question was a classmate you were sort of friends with, but not entirely. Like, if you didn't know anyone else in a room and he was there, you wouldn't feel uncomfortable sitting next to and talking with him, but you wouldn't go out of your way to eat lunch with him, so you had never really mentioned him much before, but he had made a hilarious mistake when working together, which you thought would make Jake laugh, so you told him all about it. When you finished, you excused yourself to the bathroom, and that left Jake alone with his thoughts. He began thinking about how this guy makes you laugh, and is in your class, and can spend so much more time with you, and he started to get really sad. When you came back, you recognised the look on his face immediately and went to sit on his lap and tell him about how much you missed him and how you wish he could be the one doing the project with you. Good intentions, didn't work. That sort of just highlighted the fact that he was missing out on time with you. When you saw it was just getting worse, you resorted to the most fool-proof method you could think of - you began kissing him all over his face and telling him that you're so proud of everything he's doing. You don't mind the long periods of time apart because you wanted him to do what he loves and that you'll always be waiting for him when he has time off. If that doesn't seem to work (it usually does), you would tackle him down on the bed and cuddle him, basically like a koala on its tree. Arms around his shoulders, legs around his waist, your nose against his ear, telling him every three seconds that he was your favourite thing ever.

"Thank you for staying with me no matter what, baby. I love you so much."

Yeah, he gets sad, but you just cling onto him and force it into him that you love him; he'll soon be back to the happy little Aussie boy we all know and love.

Park Sunghoon

How are you gonna make Sunghoon jealous, huh? How are you going to find someone who could live up to that? That's right, you won't. The only way Sunghoon is going to get jealous is if you're sitting really close with somebody else who could possibly be as good a boyfriend to you as him. Like, say you have a guy best friend who you're really close to, and you're sitting on the couch with your legs over his lap. This guy knows you almost as well as Sunghoon does, and you're clearly comfortable with him like you are with Sunghoon, so it's entirely possibly that if he were to make a move, you'd be up for it. That's really the only scenario I think Sunghoon would get jealous in. Of course, he won't say anything, tsundere Sunghoon ain't about that. He'll probably just come sit next to you and make some sort of physical contact that gets across the message of, "My s/o, I love you, even though I don't verbally tell you all the time."

You were over at the boys' dorm, just cause, and were watching a movie with your best friend, Jay, and boyfriend, Sunghoon. You had known Jay for much longer, and in all those years you had been best friends it just became natural that you would invade his personal space, so when you put your legs over his, and leaned back on Sunghoon, neither one thought much of it. Sunghoon got up about halfway through the movie to get a refill on his drink, and you just let your body flop down in his place, legs still on top of Jay's, who now had his hand over your knee. Sunghoon thought nothing of it, until he got back, when a specific line was said on the screen. You and Jay said it in perfect unison and then burst out laughing. Sunghoon recognised the line as one you and Jay would say to each other all the time, it had become an inside joke between you two that neither of you ever explained to anyone, so you always looked like a couple of weirdos to everyone. Everyone except for Sunghoon, who saw that and couldn't help but think about how Jay knew you throughout all of your life, and he was relatively new to you, and got kind of insecure. But, he knew you wouldn't choose Jay over him romantically, but he still didn't see any harm in showing you both who was really your favourite boy. So, instead of lifting the top half of your body and sliding underneath so you were once again leaning against him, Sunghoon picked you up from the couch completely, and sat back down with you in his lap, making sure your body was slightly turned away from Jay. For the rest of the movie he sat there with his chin on your shoulder, arms around your waist, giving you little kisses on your neck every so often.

"Mmmm, isn't this so much more comfortable than before, Y/n?"

All in all, Sunghoon doesn't get jealous often, and when he does, he refuses to admit to it. But, you know. Everyone knows.

Kim Sunoo

HO, BOY, when Sunoo gets jealous, he gets JEALOUS. And, what's more, he makes sure you know. He makes sure the person making him jealous knows. He makes sure everyone in the room knows. He'll start doing aegyo for you, then turn to the guy with a disgusted look on his face, you know the one, the very Sunoo one. Then he'll turn back to you and ask you how cute you think he is, then has the BALLS to ask who you think is better looking, him or the guy who was trying to flirt, and he doesn't even acknowledge them as a threat, he just wants to show them that he has you whipped because he does.

You were hanging out outside with Sunoo when someone came up to you and started flirting, eventually asking for your number. Obviously, you instantly declined and turned to grab Sunoo's arm to leave before he got all competitive, but, alas, it was too late. 4Sunoo was already giving this guy The Looktm. Sighing internally, you just decided you would enjoy the show and pull Sunoo away before he emotionally destroyed this guy. At first, it was just some light scolding. 'They shut you down when you started flirting, what makes you think they'll give you their number?' and 'Couldn't you see they were clearly with someone. We were holding hands, are you blind?' but then he busts out the aegyo, asking you if you would really leave him for some rando off the street, finally turning back to the guy, and telling him once and for all to get lost, before he grabbed your arm and flounced away. You were positive that, had his hair been long enough, he would have ended with a sassy hair flick. and now I must manifest long hair Sunoo real quick

"You really thought you did something there, huh? Newsflash, they've been trying to shut you down nicely since you looked their way."

Yeah, he ain't having none of it.

Yang Jungwon

my SON As much as Jungwon wants to appear mature in your relationship, he's still just a kid, and kids emotions get the best of them sometimes, so yeah, he gets jealous. He gets jealous like Heeseung, in that he wants all your attention, and like Jay because he wants to be the one who's holding on to you, and like Jake, because he knows that he can't spend as much time with you as is ideal, because not only is he an idol, but he is a leader, and therefore has more responsibility than just another classmate you know. So a jealous Jungwon is a sad, insecure Jungwon pls my heart I just want him to smile and never feel sad ever, I will punch his emotions for him if he needs it, he activates such big caring older sister feelings in me, more so than my actual little brother

Enhypen had finished their schedules for the day in the mid-afternoon, so instead of just lounging at the dorm, Jungwon decided he'd pick you up from school and take you to get something to eat. He texted you beforehand to make sure you didn't have any schedule clashes that might get in the way. He waited in the company vehicle while student streamed out of the building, watching to spot you. When he did, he didn't like what he saw. You had exited the building with a boy he had never seen before, laughing and joking. You were actually being quite boisterous, pushing and pulling each other, he could hear your laughter from where he was in the car park. He always loved that sound, and he was happy you were having fun, but he wished like hell that it was him you were hiving fun with. He wanted to mess up your hair and then trip you over and laugh as you stumbled, he wanted to be the one telling you the jokes that made you laugh so hard you had to bend over. When he saw you jump on the other guys back was when he had had enough. He got his manager who was driving to honk the car horn, and got out of the car and waved at you. When you recognised the figure in the mask and bucket hat, Jungwon saw your eyes light up like a Christmas tree right before you started sprinting towards him, without even saying goodbye to your classmate. When you were finally within hugging distance, you launched yourself at your boyfriend, telling him how much you loved and missed him, and how boring everything was without him. Just your natural reaction to Jungwon's presence was enough to calm his insecurities, and he calmly told you that he had missed you as well. It wasn't until later, when he was dropping you off at home did he ask about what was happening with your classmate at school.

"So, who was that guy you left the school building with?"

Baby gets jealous easily, but is also comforted really easily, to the point you never even realise he was jealous in the first place.

Nishimura Riki

Riki is not having it. He doesn't even give the jealousy a chance to creep upon him. If he wants your attention, he's asking for it. If he needs reassurance, he tells you. If he is ever uncomfortable with the way somebody else is touching you, he makes his objections known. He doesn't see the point of keeping this all to himself and worrying about it when he could talk to you and sort it all out. He has more important things to worry about, like whose bed he's going to invade that night or when he's next going to get his fix of bungeoppang. A lot of times, if you're interacting with someone in a way that makes him feel jealous, he'll just pick you up and carry you away, usually just to plop you down in the next room and take a nap on your shoulder.

You were backstage at Inkigayo, waiting for Riki to finish getting his makeup done, so you talked to Sunoo for a while. You actually found out you had quite a lot in common and were bonding over your shared interests for so long that you didn't even notice when Riki was let out of the makeup artists chair. He came and sat next to you, but you didn't acknowledge him, which was fine with him; he didn't want to interrupt such an animated conversation. When Sunoo suggested exchanging numbers so you guys could continue your conversation later, Riki began to feel that tiny bit strange. As he watched you enter your numbers on each other's phones and then Sunoo walk off to get his makeup done, he recognised what was happening and decided to put a stop to it. When Heeseung came up to try and talk to you both, Riki just straight up ignored him as he stood up and lifted you up by your armpits to take you to the corner of the room where he sat you on top of the dressing table and just pressed his face into your neck, muffledly complaining that you liked Sunoo more. Carefully, you ran your fingers through his hair and told him you could only see Sunoo as a friend and that the number was literally just so you guys could gush over Anne With an E when you got home that night.

"All these guys do is take up your time away from me. I hate them. You're never allowed to speak to anyone but me ever again."

Yeah. Riki doesn't take no sh*t when it comes to things cutting into his cuddling time.

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colourful-void · 3 years

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Supporting Satoshi - an examination and comparison of JN36 and XY121

Part One: Snowballs do not cure depression but it was worth a shot

You know that episode of Pokemon where a gym leader beats Satoshi in a battle so hard that one of his pokemon gets mildly hurt (though there's no long term effects) and because of it he becomes depressed, closing himself off from his friends before someone comes along to pull him out of that mental state, and also severe weather phenomena is involved and a reflection of a persons mental state? Or rather, the two episodes?

So when I was watching Journeys, I noticed an episode that had a similar-- but distinctly different-- plot to an xy episode I had seen before. And what was particularly interesting was that while I couldn't stand the xy episode, the journeys episode was one of my favourites. I won't drag this out for you guys, I love the journeys episode and re watch it a LOT and the xy episode sort of just leaves me with a sour taste in my mouth. and don't go claiming its solely ship bias, because i saw the xy episode first and disliked it then.

This will analyze both of these episodes, comparing them against each other. Specifically within the context of how Goh and Serena both help Satoshi through a similar situation There will be some discussion of AmourShipping and Satogou in this analysis. I'm going to be a bit negative regarding Serena's actions and the potential "romantic" weight of them here, but I want to be clear that I Do Not dislike Serena as a character. Personally, I wish the writers had given her more room to grow outside of her romantic interests, but I do not hate Serena as a character. I do, however, disagree with her actions in this episode. Please don't take this out of context and dont be ship fighting in the comments, it's boring. This is a comparison of These Two Episodes, not of Goh and Serena and their respective ships as a whole.

This part mainly focuses on the xy episode and the second will focus mainly on the journeys. It's only divided into parts because of the tumblr post limit.

(If you like the xy episode or hate the journeys episode, awesome! having your own opinions is great. these are mine though, so i hope you'll listen to them)

With that out of the way, let's start. And I'm going to use mostly japanese names here because I'm taking screencaps from the subbed japanese copies.

The set up for each of these episodes is eerily similar as pointed out in the gag at the start.

Xy has a bit more set up before the episode in question though, with the initial loss and retreat into the forest by Satoshi taking place the episode before. The episode opens up proper with Satoshi taking time to breathe to himself, alone in the forest.

Emphasis is placed on him taking a deep breath, aided by the visuals showing them (thanks cold air) and the silence of the rest of the soundscape, with the only other sounds being the wind and some bird pokemon, plus some falling snow.

Journeys Satoshi starts off in a better mental state than Xy, with the episode starting off with him jogging along with his pokemon.

However, we can still see that he's been affected by the last battle he lost, against Saitou, as he's putting a lot of effort into training and doing better.

Which, doesn't go well for him, as he loses his next two battles as well, and drops in the World Championship ranking as a result

And he's pretty upset about it too. Same thing as over in xy. In both cases, a respective friend/love interest notes that Satoshi is upset and expresses concern.

He's got support from his friends in both situations! But that support comes across in very different ways.

But, to understand how that support manages to affect Satoshi, we need to understand the problem at play.

Now, I wanna make something clear here. Satoshi's problem is not that he is a sore loser. I'm not arguing that's not a contributing factor, or that he's not upset about the loss (particularly in the world championships), He's still bitter about the lost part, but the root of the problem is not losing, he's been shown to be fine with losing (if not a bit more motivated to win now) in prior episodes.

Satoshi's problem is that his pokemon are getting hurt. Satoshi's problem is that his pokemon are getting hurt, because they're losing battles. Satoshi's problem is that his pokemon are losing battles because he's not training them well enough. And to clarify, that's not my viewpoint, it's his. Satoshi's problem is that he's not good enough for himself, and he feels that that's something he has to fix on his own.

So how do we help him?

Our weather event in question is introduced in separate points in the episodes, but I'll cover them both now.

In xy, it's this snowstorm, which conveniently becomes a problem directly after Serena returns to the Pokemon Centre.

In journeys, it's a sandstorm! That's in near direct contrast to a snowstorm! Incredible.

Heading back to xy Satoshi, things aren't going great in the forest. Luckily, Serena's run off to find him.

I think it's of note here that Serena runs off with the best intentions, she wants to help Satoshi, plain and simple. It just sort of goes wrong along the way.

It's worth noting that Xy Satoshi tries to bring himself out of being sad by the tried and true method of "stop being sad"

Despite telling himself this, he doesn't get anywhere. Which makes sense, because it's not getting the the root of the problem. It's not even addressing it at all. He's just trying to 'be better', which isn't even a battle strategy. However, it is something I can see him saying, so this isn't a critique of Satoshi's thought process, but me pointing out that this isn't really effective. Which is supported by the narrative, because again, he doesn't get anywhere, he doesn't even move.

I can't show it in screencaps but the lights in Satoshi's eyes are shaking here, something that they consistently do throughout the series when he's feeling a particularly strong emotion. Keep that in mind. It couples well with another trait of his, and that's his hat!

And by that I mean how he hides his eyes with the brim of it when upset, something he does exactly as Serena shows up and calls out to him. Now, he's not upset that Serena is here. He's upset about the pokemon stuff still. He's trying to hide the fact that he's upset from Serena.

Serena starts off with her speech well, trying to appeal to Satoshi to let her in and talk things out. And maybe it's because he wasn't ready for it yet, or because of the way she phrases it (a lot of 'i' and 'me' language which can be helpful but can also come across as though she's making it about her. not her intent i don't think, but a possible interpretation.), it's not her fault for how Satoshi reacts regardless.

But how Satoshi reacts is not good.

Now it's really interesting to note that before this, Serena was standing while Satoshi was sitting, putting her above him in terms of active power, when it comes to how the shot is presented, but when Satoshi stands up, the camera tilts with the movement so that they're on equal level. Neat!

And Serena yells in return, scolding Satoshi for not talking about it. Not the best move, since pushing someone to talk about something that's upsetting them isn't really productive, but she's trying here and she's frustrated.

Satoshi continues to withdraw and self isolate, claiming it is his problem and that he wants to be left be. Now, this is the mindset of a clearly upset person and isolation may not be the best option, but he did make the explicit request to be left alone here.

He's clearly upset as he turns away from Serena's eye and slumps over a little.

And then Serena throws a snowball at him.

Angry as he is, you can see Satoshi's expression change when he sees Serena's reaction.

Serena tells Satoshi that she's not like the Satoshi she knows, who is always full of energy and positive and a leader, and a bunch of other positive traits. The problem here, is that Serena's looking at an idealized version of Satoshi. And while the intent here was probably meant to be something more like "you have so many wonderful traits about you I know you can do this", coupled with the snowballs and the phrasing, it seems as though Serena is scolding Satoshi for being sad.

Or rather, being angry with him for not living up to her idealized version of him, and not wanting him to express any negitave emotions.

Which is sort of a really bad mindset.

The snowballs continue, never once does Satoshi fight back. In fact, he stops arguing entirely after the first one. Serena knocks him off his feet and tells him he's not being himself, before running off. (In the english dub, Serena claims that Satoshi isn't being "the real satoshi" and then demands that the real Satoshi be "given back", so it could be worse)

Satoshi decides to literally run his problems away, because it will help him reach some kind of conclusion, and immediately trips and falls down a large hill. No, I'm not making that up. Something like this just isn't like him. He's just gotta stop being sad!

Now personally, I really disagree with the idea that "being upset" isn't "like a person". That's because based off of my own experiences, I know it can be really damaging to hold the mindset that any negative emotions you feel aren't a part of you and that you shouldn't be upset because you're usually a positive and happy person. Not the case with every person, but I personally really have a problem with shows telling children that they just shouldn't be upset instead of processing their emotions in a meaningful way. (The journeys episode doesn't do an outstanding job of it either, but this is a bit of a tangent anyway. A show that does do this right is "OK KO! Let's be Heroes" which actually deals with this problem in greater depth and does a fantastic job of it.)

But the snowball scene ends here. Now I'll get back to Journeys in a moment, but since Serena has finished her part of the comparison for the most part, I'm going to summarize a bit more of the xy episode.

Satoshi decides to literally run his problems away, because it will help him reach some kind of conclusion, and immediately trips and falls down a large hill. No, I'm not making that up.

The snowstorm kicks in, Serena get back annoyed, then similarly groans and yells, and the whole xy gang + pokemon go running off in search of Satoshi. Pikachu appears the most concerned.

Now Serena tells the others she lost her cool and said something horrible to Satoshi, but explains its because Satoshi is someone she admires. Cool motive, I get it, still kinda bad.

and in the end, it's not Serena's words that get he message across to Satoshi. The solution to this problem was Satoshi finding a way to reaffirm his abilities and instinct.

In the xy episode, he helps some pokemon out of the tree, and when his very cool frog friend shows up, they're able to work together with their bond to save this one from falling off a cliff.

Here's the point. Satoshi learns by doing, by actions. He needs to see first hand that there are ways of getting past his problems, and that it's worth having the courage to keep going. The lesson is about valuing pokemon as equals and partners, and specifically that trying to be better as the trainer alone isn't going to help.

This is essentially where this plot line ends, team rocket is there for a bit as well but as much as i love them they're not relevant here, and some fun stuff with the league, love it not important right now its like 3am and I'm not sleeping until this is finished so we gotta keep things moving.

This was no doubt Serena's intent to get a similar point, but she goes about it the wrong way. She tries to convey this with words, as conversation and motivational words have helped her in the past (Elle's words of praise stick with her, Satoshi's words from when they were kids, etc). It's a good idea, but their different ways of learning and growing from a similar situation are incompatible, and that's why things don't work out in Serena's favour. There's also still the problem of "pulling yourself together" not being helpful in this case.

There's also a very similar line in this scene to the one at the end of the journeys episode, as Satoshi says to his frog that they should start over from scratch. It's essentially the same phrase with different wording. It's great. The Storm ends as he realizes this as well! Wonderful in terms of pathetic fallacy.

The gang all reunites, its nice. Satoshi thanks Serena for what she said after apologizing to everyone, which contradicts what he said earlier but I've already established that I dislike this message here so I won't go over it too much. I guess he's right in a literal sense in that in response to her words he went and ran until he tripped off a cliff but the emotional growth here was because of his own actions (and the frogs), not Serena's. Sorry Serena, you'll get em next time.

So. What about Goh?

Well...

(Part Two here on account of image limit!!)

#pokemon #anipoke #pokeani #pokemon analysis #pokemon xy #pokemon xyz #trainer ash #trainer serena #trainer goh #i dont wanna use the amourshipping tag to put negtivity in it that seems mean #analysis #this was written in the 2-3am area but the next part was written 12 hours later so thats a neat fact #long post

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growing-yet-into-magic · 3 years

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I’m of Scottish descent and want to work with Scottish spirits and deities to avoid appropriation. I’ve been doing research on my own to see if I can recognize signs of them being interested in working with me. But I’m having trouble figuring out if any do want to work with me. I’m afraid of coming off as a fraud or possibly offending any spirits.

Hey, hi. Sorry I took so long to write back, but let me try to assuage some concerns.

Firstly, feeling inadequate when you're first trying to get the gods' attention seems to be a generally common pagan anxiety. A lot of it comes from fear of rejection, from previous religious trauma, or a sense of shame surrounding past conceptions of one's religion that make it hard to keep pushing forward with your goals. Let me say that trying to reach out to the gods is a big step! You're already doing so well, and with the research you're doing and the efforts you're making to appease the gods you want to work with, you're already well on your way. I'm going to try and ask you to sit beside yourself for a moment, take a deep breath, and ask yourself why you're afraid that the gods will reject you. You don't have to come to a conclusion at the end of the exercise. I just think that you would find a lot of useful things about yourself when trying to pick apart the knot of feelings you're working with.

I'm also going to say that the likelihood of being rejected by the gods in this instance is relatively low. As long as you hit the basic criteria of working with whichever gods you're reaching out for, whether by blood or by studiousness or by initation...listen. Gods want to be known, because there isn't much to replicate the human relationship to the divine in the universe. Are you making efforts to replicate what rituals you can? Great. Are you communicating with them as to why you may not be able to immediately deliver something you think they're asking/would ask for? Super duper. You can try to keep a method of divination to speak with the gods directly and get quick feedback, such as using tarot, a pendulum, or something less direct like meditation or scrying, but honestly? There are a lot of pagans that never hear anything of their gods, that never see anything, but offer gifts when they can and pray, and they still have a relationship with their gods that everyone is happy with. Working with deities, worshiping deities, it's all a spectrum of experiences from person to person. Don't keep a super high standard, because it adds stress to a situation that really doesn't need it.

I'm going to say that if, and it is a really big IF you happen to have a god go "no thank you, I'm cool," the gods will usually let you down easy. A statue will break. Food offerings will rot unusually quickly. You'll hear a faint " :-/ " in the back of your head and the magic of ritual disappears. And you know what? You'd still be you, and you'd have every chance to pick up and try again with something else.

Having only a very, very loose understanding of the many myriad of religious cultures in Britain myself, you're probably already way ahead of me in terms of understanding your future relationship with your gods. There is probably a teenager in the 90s who dropped into worshiping maybe the same gods as you, with only an internet ritual and a paraffin candle twenty years ago, and has had a great relationship with them ever since. You're not a fraud. You're learning. You're coming to the gods with genuine interest and passion, and you'll be learning for years, and you'll be better every day. If a spirit is offended, you'll find out, apologize, dust yourself off and try again better the next time.

My advice is to not be so harsh on yourself. I don't need to pull cards to know that there are good things in your future, because every new journey brings its own good things. Find a local pagan community online that can point you towards good resources to study from. Drink some water. Bake some bread, or do something with your hands. You'll figure it out.

Best blessings!!

#growing-yet #deity work #deity worship #witchblr

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butmakeitgayblog · 4 years

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City of Angels: Just a Little Doped Up

Also available on AO3

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Lexa ached seeing her wife in pain.

Ached.

The weeks leading up to the big day had left Lexa feeling emotionally drained; a jittery ball of nerves bouncing from one room of their apartment to the next, testing out any and every remedy she could come up with to alleviate her wife's discomfort. Weeding through half-hearted protests of, "I'm fine," and diligently argued pleas of, "I'll do it later," Lexa clawed, begged, borrowed, and stole her way to this particular finish line.

After a month of grumbled fights and empty threats of a contentious divorce if Clarke didn't stop rescheduling, Lexa could only manage a haphazard sigh at being on the receiving end of her wife's icy glare when they'd finally led her away.

Because Clarke had eventually agreed to the procedure, albeit with an air of begrudging resignation, having spent the days leading up to the appointment grumpily preparing Lexa for what to expect.

And she thought she did know what to expect. Lexa had fully anticipated the swollen cheeks and glazed eyes that greeted her when the nurse had called her back. She'd expected the blood tinted dribble of drool that leaked from the lax hang of her wife's mouth. Even the wobbly chin and glistening sheen of tears upon seeing her again didn't lead Lexa to think a single thing was amiss.

But this?

She certainly hadn't anticipated this.

"Who the hell is that?"

"Pardon?" Lexa mumbled in return as she continued to read through the clipboard in her hands, a sigh escaping her at the fifth question in a row.

"I thaaaid," Clarke pushed out with a glassy roll of her eyes, "who the hell is that?"

Slowly dragging her eyes up for a moment Lexa flashed a pleading, yet overly-saccharine, look of love at her wife.

"Clarke?" she said as sweetly as she could manage.

"Hu?"

"Shhh. Just for a little bit, okay?"

Lexa watched an affronted frown pull at her wife's lips, cheeks stuffed with enough gauze to render any threat from the look quite moot. Shooting the disgruntled love of her life another smile, Lexa turned back to the discharge sheet she'd been attempting to fill out.

"Is she always this… lively?"

A cough of laughter jumped from Lexa's chest as she dotted the final 'i' in her last name. Handing the clipboard back to the waiting nurse, Lexa grinned over at the woman now fighting through a series of torturous looking blinks.

"You have no idea," she whispered. "But this is rare form, for sure. You'd think a doctor would-"

"Oh no," the nurse, Monroe, interrupted, shaking her head ruefully as she moved to slip the clipboard in its holder. "Doctors make the worst patients. If they're not pulling the MD card on you, they--"

"Heeey you. C'mere."

"-- Act like a fool?" Lexa finished for her, tossing an exasperated look toward the caregiver in charge.

Turning to the sound of her wife's call, Lexa had to swallow the urge to laugh. Despite Clarke's best attempt at what Lexa knew to be her sultry voice of seduction, the growing puddle of spittle escaping the loose sling of her mouth was enough to kill any hope of that particular mood.

"Yes, my love?" she soothed anyway, rolling the wheeled stool she sat on over to catch her wife's searching hand. "You feeling okay?"

"Yeah," Clarke hummed, her words sticky, and slow, and slurred. "There's thit in my mouf."

"It's gauze, sweetheart," Lexa said, leaning down to press the whisper of a kiss to the swollen curve of Clarke's jaw. "You had your wisdom teeth taken out."

"They took my teef?!"

Seeing the flash of indignant anger in Clarke's eyes, Lexa immediately moved to intercept Clarke's free hand that had sluggishly tried, and failed, to fly up to her mouth.

"You asked them to, remember? They were hurting you."

Clarke shook her head, her eyes turning watery along with her words. "I wouldn't do that."

"I promise ya, hun," the nurse chuckled as she moved to Clarke's other side. "You did."

"But I hate doctorth."

"Amen, sister," Monroe hummed as she took Clarke's wrist and did a final check of her vitals.

Lexa watched as Clarke's eyes seemed to spin in their sockets for a moment before landing on her again, a smile blooming on Lexa's lips at her wife's adorable befuddlement.

"I lub you," Clarke slurred with doe-eyed conviction, picking her head up just to have it fall back a second later. Letting her wandering gaze loop around to her opposite side, baby-blues turned to the nurse instead. "I lub her, ya know."

"I should hope so," the nurse grinned as she placed Clarke's hand back down. "Otherwise the whole marriage thing would be kinda awkward."

"Yeah," Clarke said in a lazy sigh. "That'd be weird… Like we were straight--."

"Okay, Clarke," Lexa tried, shooting Monroe an apologetic smile. "Why don't we just-"

"But I'm in lub with her," she rolled on, pausing for a moment to noisily smack her obviously numb lips. "She's an angel, ya know?"

"She seems like it."

"No. No," Clarke shook her head defiantly. "You don't get it."

Releasing a nervous laugh, Lexa squeezed the hand in her grip in warning. "Clarke--"

"She's an angel. Like with the flappy wingth one. A halo and… 'N a harp, I think. Birkenstockth."

"Well those are certainly all words," Monroe smiled down at the babbling patient.

"She fell down a cliff to lub me," Clarke crooned in high-pitched broken words, her lip starting to tremble again with emotion.

Running a soothing hand through blonde hair, Lexa shook her head at the nurse holding back laughter as she stood to lean over her doped-up wife. "Clarke, sweetheart, shhhh, okay? We're gonna be going home in a minute, so just rest. If you talk too much, the swelling will be worse."

"Thee, look," Clarke said, ignoring Lexa entirely as she flopped a hand in the general direction of Lexa's face. "She's still got a lil thcar on her eye... I kith it when she's thleeping."

Head rolling back towards the nurse, Clarke looked up with a deadpan warning.

"Don't tell her that though."

"It'll be our little secret," Monroe winked before moving toward the door. "Okay, Mrs. Griffin, I'm gonna go get you the rest of your aftercare info and a wheelchair, and then you can get this one home."

Lexa breathed a sigh of relief and smiled. "Thanks, Monroe."

"No problem, just sit tight."

The door clicked shut as the woman left, Lexa taking her seat again to fire off a text to Raven to let her know they'd be done soon. A hush fell over the room as she slid her phone back into her pocket before lifting her head… and seeing her wife glaring daggers at the closed door.

"What?"

Blue eyes rolled to her with what Lexa supposed could be defined as righteous indignation.

"I think that bith was flirtin' with me."

"Clarke," Lexa gasped and her mouth dropped open. "Do not call her that."

"She got all winky with me," Clarke argued, mimicking the move by seductively winking with both eyes. "I know what that meansth."

"Sweetheart, she was not flirting with you."

"She's trying to busth up a happy home. Make me get a divorce."

"She wasn't. She just thought you were being goofy."

"I'm not goofy… You're goofy."

Lexa simply sighed. "I am goofy, you're right."

"I know," Clarke nodded as Lexa tucked back a wayward curl behind Clarke's ear. "... 'N fuckin' 'winky' out there-"

"Clarke, stop."

"You tell her to sthop," Clarke frowned. "I'm married and she nid- no- needs to knock it off."

"I'll tell her that, okay?"

Clarke merely sighed, head falling to the side as stared over at Lexa through several slow blinks. "I can't feel my lipth."

"They're still there. Pretty as ever."

"I think they took my tongue away."

"I hope not. Definitely need that for later."

Clarke perked up at that.

"Are we gonna have thex later?"

"No," Lexa chuckled. "You're high as a kite, love. And you're going to be in a lot of pain in just a little bit, so I think it's gonna be a while before-"

Her words cut off as Clarke's bottom lips scrunched together, eyes filling with tears yet again.

"Oh, don't cry," Lexa hushed through a laugh as she scooted closer, carefully cradling her wife's face in her palms. She swept the pad of her thumb along the delicate row of lashes, collecting the dewy droplets before they could fall.

"You don't wanna have thex with me anymore," Clarke sniffled.

"I always want to have sex with you, Clarke," Lexa assured with a smile, rolling her eyes at the entire trainwreck of a conversation. "But you just had surgery, so for now you have to heal first."

"... Heal first?"

"Yes," Lexa nodded definitively. "Heal first, then sex. I promise."

Clarke seemed to debate the matter for a moment, her eyes shifting in and out of focus as Lexa ran fingers through the tendrils of her hair.

"Okay," Clarke finally conceded, giving a lazy shrug of her shoulder as all traces of sadness suddenly vanished from her face.

Lexa snorted as she pulled back, glad to have seemingly navigated that particular minefield successfully. A quiet knock on the door pulled her attention away as the door eased open and Monroe walked backward into the room.

"Alright, Clarke," she announced, pivoting around to pull a wheelchair up to the side of the recovery chair. "Your chariot awaits, m'lady."

"Oh look, winky'th back. Mleeeh."

Monroe's face pulled to the side in confusion, her gaze darting to Lexa who could only close her eyes and shake her head in answer. Biting her lips to seemingly hold back an amused response, the nurse gave a tiny nod of understanding as she moved to help the patient currently losing a battle with a blanket.

"Alrighty. Anyway. Ready to head home, Mrs. Griffin?"

"Griffin-Woodth," Clarke immediately groaned as she lumbered to her feet, one arm hooked through Lexa's while the other elbowed the nurse away. "We're a team."

Monroe lifted her hands up in surrender when Lexa grunted against Clarke's struggling and gave up on their coaxing method of transport, instead moving to wrap an arm around Clarke's waist to bodily shuffle her into the wheelchair. Easing her wife down in the seat, Lexa dodged a sloppy kiss aimed at her cheek.

"Hang on, sweetheart, you're bleeding again," she rushed out before Clarke could become emotionally unglued at her rebuff, mechanically moving to ransack the sterile tray still off to the side to grab a few fresh bundles of gauze.

Squatting down, Lexa tipped Clarke's head forward by her chin, thanking everything holy when her wife let her mouth fall open at her urging. Swapping out the soaked gauze for fresh ones and escaping unscathed from the teasing nip of teeth at her fingers, Lexa tenderly wiped Clarke's chin clean before tossing the rolls in the biohazard bin and moving to wash her hands.

"Well at least we know she's all set for home aftercare," Monroe said with a grin as Lexa shook her hands off and wiped them dry on a few paper towels.

Ears pinking at the statement, Lexa ditched the towels in the bin as well and made her way back over. "Yeah, sorry. Force of habit. Working inside of a hospital and being married to a doctor for four years, you just kinda get used to it."

"A lot of spouses can be a little put-off by the blood and drool."

"She drools when she sleeps anyway," Lexa shrugged, gathering up the paperwork they needed and stuffing them inside Clarke's purse. Placing the bag over her shoulder, Lexa leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to her wife's forehead. "You ready to go home, love?"

"Mhmmmm," Clarke hummed with a dopey bob of her head.

Lexa held the door open as the nurse started wheeling Clarke out, her eyes doing a scan of the room to make sure they had everything. A quick jog let her catch up to the pair as they neared the patient checkout, Clarke babbling Monroe's ear off the entire way.

"Hey, sexy," a voice shouted as the doors of the clinic slid open. "Get your fine ass over here."

Lexa smiled at the call as she looked up from the soggy flow of words her wife was directing at seemingly no one in particular.

"Wabeeeen," Clarke called back in a throaty haze of excitement, her head and hand not holding an ice-pack wobbling back and forth in a bizarre kind of drugged-up celebration dance. "Baby, Waben's here."

"I know," Lexa said as Monroe wheeled them toward the SUV parked by the curb. "She drove us here. And now she's gonna give us a ride home, remember?"

"That'th nice of her... She's tho nice," Clarke sniffled as they pulled to a stop. Lexa could barely hold back a sputter of laughter at that, giving Clarke a conciliatory nod.

"Sure she is. We'll go with that."

"Jesus, Griff, what'd they do to you?"

Lexa's head snapped up to level their friend with a warning glare after blue eyes turned to her and started welling up all over again.

"Because ya look great!" Raven very expertly added, pulling her lips back in apology before spinning around toward her car and opening the door. "Okay, let's get you up and in, princess. Chop chop."

Scoffing at that pathetic display, Lexa pulled the purse off of her shoulder and shoved it in Raven's general direction as she rounded to the front of the wheelchair.

"You ready to get in, love?" she asked as she squatted down in front of her wife. "Me and Monroe are gonna help, okay?"

"No."

"Clarke--"

"I can walk mythelf."

"Let us help."

"You really shouldn't walk by yourself, Mrs. Griffin."

Clarke scowled at the nurse, a mumbled "Griffin-Woodth" floating between them as Lexa straightened back up.

"Don't make me do it, Clarke."

Blue eyes swung back around to her, a defiant glint coloring them… once they'd stopped rolling in Clarke's head.

"You're gonna be mad at yourself later," Lexa reminded. She waited a long moment as her wife stubbornly stared back. Shoulders slumping in defeat, Lexa stepped aside with a sigh and nodded toward the car.

Raven smiled and shook her head as she raised a knuckle and rapped twice on the darkened window.

"You owe me five bucks, Woods," Raven said as the door popped open.

"Yeah, yeah," Lexa frowned and shuffled aside to make room. "Excuse me for siding with my wife."

"Well in all fairness, it was a really dumb bet."

"Thank you," Lexa drawled as her friend stepped out.

Anya only shrugged as she closed the door behind her. Stepping to the wheelchair, she pulled up the sleeves of her long black coat and smirked down. "So we meet again, Clarke."

"Anya!" Clarke cheered, throwing her hand up to awkwardly pat the woman on the arm. Twisting around to look at the nurse behind her, Clarke hushed her voice and added, "She's an angel too, ya know?"

"Is that right?"

"Mhm. Our guard- our garden- our gardenia angel. But she kinda thucks at it. Don't tell her I thaid that though."

Anya's spine snapped to attention at the words, her glare darting between Lexa and the nurse eyeing the strangeness of her thick, dark outfit in the middle of L.A. heat with curiosity. Letting out a nervous chuckle, Lexa minutely shook her head and grabbed Clarke's hand to get her attention.

"Yes, sweetheart, everyone here's an angel. Let's get you in the car now, 'kay?"

"Yes," Monroe said as she seemed to blink herself out of whatever thoughts she'd been having, instead walking to the side of the wheelchair and flipping on the breaks. "Time to go, Mrs. Griffin… Woods. Griffin-Woods," she tacked on at the narrowing of Clarke's eyes before glancing up at the woman across from her. "You wanna grab that side?"

"Don't worry about it, just step back," Raven said as she helped Lexa guide the nurse up and away. "It'll be easier this way 'cause grouchy ass likes to fight anyone helping her."

With that, Anya crouched down and slid one arm beneath the bend of Clarke's knees, the other snaking between her arm and waist to wrap around her back.

"Up we go," Anya murmured and lifted Clarke out of the seat, ignoring the lazy protests from her passenger as she kicked aside the wheelchair with ease. Monroe grappled to grab and right the seat as Lexa refused to look at her, instead letting her head fall into her hand at the entire display.

Raven opened the backseat door as wide as it would go when Anya stepped forward.

"Clarke, tuck your head into me like you do Lexa," Anya said as she bent to scoot the woman through the door of the car, only to yank back a moment later with a garbled yell of disgust. "Not like that!"

"Anya--"

"She licked me!"

"You thaid like Lexa."

"Why did I agree to not film this?" Raven groaned and flopped back against the side of the car.

"Can we please get this shit show on the road," Lexa sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose as she took control of the chaos and began rattling off instructions. "Clarke, no licking. Anya, just get her in the car. Raven, you agreed because your friend, my wife, is a very well-respected doctor and teacher, and having a video of her licking a random woman's neck wouldn't be great for her career. Now, go start the car. Monroe… I don't even know. Thank you? And I'm sorry about all of this."

The nurse simply smiled as she reached down to unlock the wheels again and looped around back toward the clinic. "Don't worry about it. Happens more often than you'd think. She'll be out of it for a bit, but just roll with it. Keep everything clean, read the aftercare instructions, and call if you have any questions."

Exchanging a final nod of goodbye, the nurse left the group and went back inside.

"Okay, put her in, Ahn. I'll meet you on the other side."

With a disgruntled huff, Anya gave the woman in her arms another wary glance and moved to settle her into the backseat. Lexa rushed around the back of the SUV and flung the door open, slipping in and across the bench seat in the back as Anya leaned in and set Clarke down.

"Hey, Clarke? I'm gonna buckle you in now," Lexa said as she accepted the seat belt clasp Anya stretched out for her.

Clarke glared between the two of them, her hands swatting at her sides. "I'm not a child. I can do it mythelf."

"You just licked Anya's neck in the middle of a parking lot," Raven pointed out as she started the engine. "And that was after you told a random stranger that she's a whole ass angel."

"Yeah, she told her I was one inside as well," Lexa said as she clicked the buckle in place.

"Hence why we're not exactly trusting you or your motor functions right now, babe."

"But she is an angel. You are an angel," Clarke hummed, sending a hazy look of adoration to her wife while Lexa draped a blanket over her lap. "You're my angel."

"Say angel again," Raven snorted and slipped on a pair of sunglasses.

"... Sure doesn't fuck like an angel though."

"Ew, no!" Anya thundered and flung herself backward out of the door frame, dramatically heaving twice before slamming the door shut hard enough to rock the entire car.

"Clarke," Lexa hissed as her wife continued to leer.

"Huh?"

Anya grunted as she whipped the front door open and climbed in. "Why did I agree to come to this?"

Clarke's lips pooched as she sent a very wet sounding smooch in Lexa's direction. "Don't be mad, baby. I like that you're nasty in bed."

"Oh my G-- Lexa, will you please muzzle her. No one wants to hear this."

"Speak for yourself," Raven gleefully cut in as she started to pull away. "Get it, Griff! Tell us the really freaky shit."

"She lets me--"

"Clarke!" Lexa yelled while leaning forward to get her attention. Glazed eyes blinked at her in slow passes as a pout spread across Clarke's face. Sighing when she was sure she had her wife's attention, Lexa reached up and tugged a curl of blonde behind her ear. "... I promise you, whatever it was you wanted to say just now, you would wholeheartedly regret saying it later. Especially to Raven."

"That's fair actually," Raven called back as she moved them through midmorning traffic.

Clarke shifted to reach for Lexa's hand, assuring her in what Lexa supposed could be a valiant attempt at a whisper. "Don't worry, baby. I wasn't gonna tell 'em about the butt stuff."

Eyes sliding closed as a chorus of retching mingled with cackling laughter from the front seat, Lexa sat back in her seat and ran a hand through her hair.

"Not a word."

"I'm not saying anything," Raven choked out through the dying rolls of her laughter.

The car fell quiet as they drove, Lexa looking out the window and letting her mind drift. She watched the cars and hills of the outskirts of L.A. fly past as they wound their way home. Despite… well, everything, she was glad this was finally over; the final expense officially checked off of their list of 'to-do's'. She idly tapped her fingers on the leather of her seat and admired the green hillsides, smiling to herself as she thought of what came next.

They hadn't told anyone when they'd made the decision to start looking through private listings, Lexa having sworn Anya to secrecy until they'd figured out an actual plan. She wondered if she'd miss the familiar drive to their apartment, the only home she'd truly known on Earth. She was excited, if not a little nervous, but ready to take the next step with the… absolute mess of a woman beside her.

Letting her head lull back over to check on her patient, Lexa startled a bit to find watery, blue eyes already staring back.

"What's the matter?" she hushed in a soft and concerned voice, scooting closer as she reached up to brush away a rogue tear.

"You're really hot... And tho pretty."

Rolling her eyes at the dreamy words, Lexa grinned back. "Not as pretty as you."

"My wife'th gonna be tho mad at me," Clarke whined and shook her head.

"... Why is your wife going to be mad at you?" she asked with a quirk of her brow.

"'Cause I think you're really hot," Clarke confessed through a fresh wave of tears.

"Seriously can you like, knock her out or something?"

"Shut up, Anya," Lexa said as she scooted the remaining distance between them. "Clarke, darling, I promise, your wife won't be mad at you for thinking I'm hot."

"How do you know?"

"Because she's your wife, genius," Anya drawled. "I still can't believe they trust that woman with human lives."

"You're just a little doped up right now," Lexa soothed even as reached out to flick her friend on the ear. "Don't worry though, I'll take care of everything. You just relax."

Clarke blinked owlishly at her for a minute, Lexa clearly able to see the cogs grinding to life through the fog of the drugs. She smiled and nodded as Clarke's face suddenly lit up, eyebrows shooting upward as her mouth dropped open.

"Oh yeah," Clarke beamed, her head wobbling back and forth as she flopped around a little in her seat. "That is you, innit. I forgot, ha. That'th crazy."

"It is."

"Man, I am high."

"You are."

"You should kith me."

"I should not."

Lexa nearly groaned as soon as the words left her mouth.

Clarke's face fell into a devastated frown, her lip trembling as her head fell to her shoulder. "You don't wanna kith me."

"Clarke, no, that's not it--"

"I knew it. I'm tho ugly now you won't kith me anymore."

"Oh my God, stop. Just, hang on," Lexa huffed. "Raven, do you have napkins or Kleenex in here? Anything?"

She waited as Anya rifled through the glovebox, accepting the fistful of napkins along with a deep look of disdain when she passed them back. Gently cradling her wife's chin, Lexa tilted her face back up.

"I'm gonna make you a deal," she murmured as she dabbed away as much blood and spit from Clarke's lips as she could. "I will kiss you. But. You have to let me kiss you. You just sit there, okay?"

Clarke bobbed her head in a tiny nod, Lexa's heart squeezing tight at the sad but hopeful face still cradled in her palm. Once she deemed those lips as clean as she could ever hope for given the situation, Lexa tossed the soiled napkins into the seat beside her.

Bringing her other hand up, Lexa held her wife's face between her palms, a smile spreading over her lips as she took in the sight of her. The sight of laugh lines that had begun reaching out from the corners of baby blues, their recent appearance reminding Lexa how happy their life together had proven to be. She admired the few twists of grey that weaved in and out of silken blonde, the effect of them making the woman look all the more distinguished.

Running her thumbs over the apples of delicate cheekbones, Lexa leaned in and gently pressed a kiss to her wife's lips. She hummed at the familiar feeling, soft and sweet as ever, her movements steady and light so as to not cause any pain. Pulling away, she left a last peck on Clarke's upper lip, forever a slave to sealing the little beauty mark with a kiss.

"Better?" she whispered as she watched Clarke's eyes flutter back open.

Clarke was quiet as she stared back, a long moment passing before she heaved a defeated sigh.

"I couldn't feel it."

Lexa did her best to bite back a snort of laughter, head dropping forward as her chest shook with the effort. "Don't worry, sweetie. I'll kiss you plenty to make up for it when you feel better, I promise."

"We're here, lovebirds," Raven announced as she pulled to a stop outside of their apartment building. Lexa squeezed her shoulder over the top of the seat in thanks as she reached for the handle. "I'm gonna stay here so my lazy ass doesn't have to find a place to park, but I'm gonna call you guys later, okay?"

Grunting in acceptance as she opened her door, Lexa hopped out and ran around the back of the car to meet Anya on the other side. A few petulant protests and a very one sided bartering war later, Lexa pressed the button to shut the doors of the elevator in their building.

Sighing as she all but collapsed back against the rail of the elevator, Lexa reached out a hand to nudge her friend's shoulder.

"Thanks again, Ahn."

"Yeah, whatever," Anya grumbled, adjusting her grip on the woman sagged at her side.

If Lexa had had the energy she would've laughed at the pair of them, knowing full well Anya was supporting every inch of the woman's weight despite Clarke's staunch insistence that she could walk.

She reminded herself that her wife's stubbornness was part of why she loved her.

"Okay, here we go," Lexa rallied as the doors slid open on their floor. "Last stretch, love, and then you can rest."

"I wanna make nachos."

"Yeah, we'll have to see about that," Lexa shook her head as she jogged ahead to unlock the door, holding it open as Anya all but dragged Clarke through the entrance of their apartment.

"Where should I put her?"

"Bedroom."

"No," Clarke said with enough ferocity it startled the pair, taking Anya particularly by surprise when she elbowed her way out of the hold and launched herself toward the couch.

Lexa felt her heart jump up into her throat as Clarke nosedived toward the cushions, landing face first into the set of pillows.

"Clarke!" she yelped, darting around the couch and crouching over her. Biting back a twitch of annoyance, Lexa pulled the woman upward and helped her flip over. "Jesus, you have got to be more careful. You could've really hurt yourself."

"I'm fine, baby," Clarke slurred, glassy eyes shining behind the low droop of her lids. "I don't feel anything. You could punch me right in the mouf and I'd be fine."

"I'm not going to punch you."

"I might."

"Goodbye, Anya. Thank you for helping," Lexa blindly called over her shoulder, "but you can go now. Raven's waiting."

"Right, right, right," Anya said, rapping a knuckle on the wall as she turned to go. "I'll leave you to take care of the little missus. Call if you need anything. Feel better, doc."

"Byeeeeeeeeee," Clarke sing-songed out to her before the door closed, shimmying in place as Lexa helped her adjust on to her back. "She's gonna go makeout with Waben."

"What else is new," Lexa grinned and pulled the blanket off of the back of the couch.

Lexa moved to take off Clarke's shoes and socks, leaning down to peck a quick kiss to the wiggly toes before tucking them under the blanket as well. After placing the shoes in their home along the front hall of their apartment, she moved to ditch the balled up socks in the laundry despite the disgruntled yowl from the plump feline stationed on top of their washer.

The jingle of Penny's collar followed her as she went about collecting the supplies listed on the aftercare sheet, piling a tiny tray up with gauze squares, water, pain medicine, and snacks.

"That'd not nachoth," Clarke said with a sleepy grump of a frown as Lexa laid the tray on the coffee table beside her.

"Not nachos. No crunchy stuff, unfortunately. Doctor's orders. But may I offer you a bowl of our finest applesauce?"

"This is bullthit."

"I know."

"You did this to me, and I'll neber forgib you."

"I know."

"Will you cuddle wif me?"

Smiling down at her wife, Lexa simply nodded and quickly tied her back into a ponytail.

"Scooch," she hummed, toeing off her shoes before gingerly climbing over to the opposite side. Lowering herself as gently as possible, Lexa fit herself into the snug space between her wife and the back of their couch. She wriggled down enough to make sure she was safe from knocking into the already swollen jaw.

"Better?" Lexa whispered as she rested her head on Clarke's chest and draped an arm around her waist.

"Mhm," Clarke said, the drowsy weight of her hum sounding peaceful and warm.

"You can't sleep with those things in your mouth."

"Not thleepin'."

Giving up that fight before it could start and deciding she'd just slip them out once the woman dozed off, Lexa snuggled in deeper, breathing in calming lungfuls of her wife's scent.

The day had been insane, which after four years of marriage she was generally used to, but overall Lexa couldn't help but pat herself on the back. She knew when the medicine started to wear off they'd both be in a world of pain, but for now, she let herself relax into the peace of the moment.

Which was promptly broken by the faint buzz of Clarke's phone.

Sighing in annoyance, Lexa dug her hand under the blanket and into Clarke's pocket to pull it out. She thumbed in the passcode, muscle memory having her click 1203 for their anniversary without a thought, and tapped to open the notification.

Asshole (11:42 a.m.): so... you're gonna tell me about that butt stuff thing later right?

"For fuck's sake, Raven." With a disgusted sigh, Lexa closed out the message and slapped the phone on the table.

Snuggling back into the snoozing body beneath her, Lexa decided she'd just have to deal with that later.

#sorry for the ugly ass moodboard just go with it #clexa #clexaweek 21 #clexaweek 21 day 6 #day 6 magic #CoA

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virtual-luvr · 4 years

Text

˗ˏˋMary, Midari, and Runa with an s/o who is a ghostˎˊ˗

Pronouns: gender neutral; they/them

Warnings: cussing. mentions of death, murder, suicide and a g>n-

Note: request by @massivewolfpandaknight thank you so much i love writing for kakegurui especially these girls!! Also marys is longer then all the other ones sorry😔 i tried to have more fun with this request too so i hope its still good :(

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Mary Saotome

First off, you met because of Yumeko

She was dragging you all over the school and at one point it was pissing you off so much you just decided to work your ~ghostly~ magic and get out of her grip

As shes lecturing you on acting normal, you're just staring at her with a black expression

"I dont see the problem"

"The problem is that we dont want everyone knowing your DEAD" she says ending her sentence with a sinister smile

It lowkey creeped you out

So you let out a sigh and give her a, "fine but dont drag me around like you did at our old school"

You actually died at the old school you used to go but you didn't have to stick at the school, you could go where ever

There weren't any boundaries lets say

So when Yumeko moved schools she dragged you with her and here you were now, pretending like you were still alive and not dead at all~

While you both were in deep conversation Mary came barging in asking "who in the hell is this bitch"

Sighing at her rude attitude you flick her forehead, your cold finger almost giving her a brain freeze and she stood in shock for a second.

"Who do you think you are" she says crossing her arms

What were you supposed to say to that, "a ghost???"

You mimic her actions and words in a high pitch voice

Yeah your relationship didn't start on the right foot

But hey after that whole meeting, you and Mary spent quite a long time together

Even though you fought a few times since her ego was so massive at the start of your relationship

But after a while she started opening up to you more and being nicer

Even going as far to be more affectionate to you and Yumeko noticed fast

Seeing as you were, very, oblivious

And didn't think anybody wanted to date you because you're a ghost, you thought nothing over her new actions towards you

At one point Yumeko just grabs you, brings you into a room, and tells you the truth

"Mary likes you, are you stupid? Oblivious or something? Go get her"

And as soon as you were in the room, you were out

As you stumbled out the door, Yumeko walking out calmly after you, Mary finds you

She looks between you and Yumeko, rasing her brow

Before leaving Yumeko says "no, nothing happened" winking at Mary and running away

You're still lowkey shocked at what Yumeko said

If you were alive, you'd probobly be blushing right now

"Heyyy Mary"

"What was that all about?" She asks, her cheeks puffed up a tiny bit

"Oh, it was nothing we were just talking"

"Didn't seem like just talking.." She mutters under her breath but you caught it

"Are you jealous??" You snicker out, getting closer to Mary step by step

As you walk closer and closer you basically have her pinned to the wall, blushing she just looks away from you

You smirk and give her a cheek a peck

She looks back with a shocked look on her face before giving you a smirk too

"Idiot, you missed"

Y'all kiss after that-

Honestly, she really doesent care that you're, dead-

She really likes when you pat her head or scratch her scalp since your fingers are cold

Flicking her forehead actually became a habit too-

You also have scheduled gambles and she gets mad at you if you say no sometimes

Midari Ikishima

To be honest, at first you wanted nothing to do with Midari

But she just kept on talking to you and annoying you

And even though the memory is blurry and hazy somewhere in between begging you to gamble with her and her being by your side twenty four seven

You started to get less annoyed by her

In the midst of starting a friendship with that girl you told her you were actually

And when you saw that glint in her eyes you got w o r r i e d

She almost tried to commit not alive on the spot

You screamed

Your reflexes were good enough and you took the g>n out of her hands

You tried to push her away but she fell on top of you in the process

Knowing her you knew she was going to say something that will not do good for you

So you panic and accidently go through the floor

You can hear her hit the floor even through the thick floor, it made you laugh but you wont tell her that

When you go back into the room shes actually knocked out

Did she really hit the floor that hard-

Either way you grab her unconscious body and take care of her until shes back on her feet

For once in your (after) "life" you see Midari calm

It was a very weird sight

She made you gamble with her once too

Never again.

You somehow one and she got too excited waiting for whatever punishment was going to happen next, she was on top of you at one point

You've also caught her in...compromising positions and you've ran out of that situation as fast as you could

She dreams of the day she can actually get you alone without you running away

It happened once, and that was the day you guys actually got together

She cornered you and you forgot all about your ghostly abilities for once

She pushes up to you and puts her face right in front of your face

"Why do you panic so much"

..what in the hell-

Since she's only met with your silence and your eyes aren't even meeting hers she gets a little impatient

She bonks you on the head with her g>n, not very lightly may i add

And as you open your mouth to protest she takes this opportunity to kiss you. After all shes been crushing on you for so long, not like you noticed though

You thought she chased everyone around

Im not going to act like the kiss went too smoothly, your teeth crashed with hers before you pulled away to give her an actual kiss

You grab her chin and give her a proper kiss this time, her g>n making a soft thud when it fell on the ground but you didn't pay much mind to it

After that she tries to kiss you as much as possible, sometimes more then kissing even when there are people around

Shes like one of those kids you have to put the animal backpack leashes, yeah you always need to check up on her before she does a disaster

When you joke about it she doesn't take it as a joke

So next time you see her at school with a leash in her hands you run away immediately

Runa Yomozuki

You guys met when she caught you trying to watch a gambling fight and didn't recognize you as a student there.

You guys met eyes and you just sat there like, "...hi :D"

She immediately starts questioning you, lollipop still in her mouth and you could barely understand half of the words she was saying-

When she notices you don't even care and you're just staring at the candy in her mouth she sighs and grabs another lollipop from her pockets

She hears you softly mutter, "i haven't had these in ages", shes a little confused

You just look up innocently and say, "oh im dead", when she gives you a questioning gaze

You're surprised when she doesn't start doubting your words-

She just goes "oh, makes sense" and walks away

You just sit there like, ?????

Also you might not have any taste buds

But you're still addicted to those lollipops

Anyways after that you make it your goal to annoy her as much as possible

And you do

For a few months actually

She usually shuts you up with a lollipop sometimes you annoy her by making the lollipop pass right through you

At one point she takes on a different method to shut you up and kisses your cheek, you sat there for a second and malfunctioned

She giggles at your reaction and does it a lot more

Doesent matter how many times she does it, you never get used to it

Your relationship kind of just blossomed

You guys didn't even notice any of it until one day you were staring at each other and kissed and you both just went "okay well we're dating now"

Everyone else barely knew about you so when they see Rona and you just kissing they're so confused

Rona doesn't even explain and you don't bother too either

She finds it funny

She giggles a little when you give her kisses since your lips are just as cold as you are

She now has to get even more candy since you both are obsessed and you steal her candy from her too

You pay back in kisses though

She likes it that way😌

She also likes to join you in scaring the students of the school

You guys do it in various ways but there are some that you like more

For example, sometimes she starts talking to someone and youll randomly appear right behind her and somehow that scares some of the students to death

Another one of your favorites is hiding behind a corner together and just waiting for people nearby and then yelling in their faces

Usually she goes first and after the person has calmed down you chime in and yell in their face too

[1699 words; aug/10/2020]

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starlightsearches · 3 years

Text

His Pilot Ch. 6 (SFW)

Masterlist

Armitage Hux x Pilot! Reader (f)

NSFW Version of the chapter can be found here.

Warnings: Language, angst.

The fire paints with dim, golden streaks on the ceiling above your bed—not bright enough to keep you awake, if you could manage to close your eyes.

You should be tired, exhausted. You should have fallen into the deepest sleep of your life before you even managed to crawl between the sheets. But you can’t. And you’re not.

Rest stays elusive, no matter how hard you try. After everything that’s happened, every promise and commitment you made in the blazing heat of the moment, it would be wise to take this time alone to think about what’s been done, and what cannot be undone.

And instead you're thinking about how it would feel to have Armitage's lips against your neck.

You huff at yourself, turning once again, the sheets in a tangle around your legs from your restless movements.

The knock at the door is so quiet, you’re sure you’ve imagined it. You want him to be there, but finding the hallway empty would be unbearable. The sound comes again, slightly louder, and you close your eyes, offer your hopes to the universe, and slip from between the sheets.

It takes effort to keep from running—even on your sore and tired legs—your footsteps marking an even beat against the floor, not loud enough to drown out the rapid strike of your heartbeat as your fingers curl around the cool metal of the door handle.

It could be Day, checking to make sure that you’re alright. Or Alida with fresh clothes for tomorrow or more wood for the fireplace.

The door opens; all your fears go quiet. It’s him.

“I . . .” Armitage hesitates, eyes gone wide when he sees you, shoulders positioned away from the door, like he's ready to run, “I couldn’t sleep, and I thought . . .”

Thank gods. You manage to keep your excitement to yourself, stepping out of the way so that he can enter.

The fire burns low in the hearth, casting more shadows than light at this point, bringing the walls in closer and shrinking the room, small enough that you can’t help but stand close to him.

He’s still in his clothes from before, except for the jacket—the fabric stiff with rain. His hair has lost any of the gel he had put in it that morning, and it falls across his forehead in soft waves—longer than you expected it to be—before he brushes it back with one ungloved hand.

“I— I didn’t mean to bother you,” he says, his throat jumping slightly when he swallows, eyes on the mess of sheets and blankets on your bed. He clasps his hands tighter behind his back when you rest your hand on his arm, the skin of his knuckles turning white.

“You’re not bothering me, I couldn’t sleep either.”

His eyebrows raise, the breath he was holding brushing your skin when he finally releases it. “Really?”

“Yes." You continue to shrink the space between you, looking up at him through your lashes.

He frowns, confused. “Why not?”

“I was thinking about you.” He can't not know what you're waiting for at this point, standing so close you can feel the heat from his skin through his clothes, staring pointedly at his lips.

He holds your hand to his face, and you think you've finally gotten through to him, letting your eyes flutter closed, but he doesn't come any closer, and when you meet his eyes again, they're full of pain.

“I’m— I’ll never be able to express how sorry I am for all of this. I’ve ruined—”

You kiss him with an exasperated sigh—kiss him to shut him up, kiss him because you can’t wait any longer. It stuns him, but he kisses you back, his hand at your jaw, lips moving seamlessly against yours.

It’s exactly what you wanted—uncomplicated, pure connection. He won’t listen to you when his own insecurities are so loud, but he can feel this: the urgency of your mouth against his, the sincere desire in your sighs.

There’s no forethought, no planning, just need—every movement motivated only by desire. He stumbles back on the bed, sinking into the plush mattress, pulling you down against him with his arm at your waist until you’re a mess of shifting legs and desperate, roaming hands.

It’s need that presses your hips against his thigh, warm and solid between your legs, need that has you sliding your core against the firm press of his body, sighing into his open mouth.

You reach for his shirt collar, pulling him closer, the buttons slipping easily from their hold under the strength of your hands until you can grip at the skin beneath—his neck, his collarbone, each valley and ridge mapping itself beneath your touch, searching lower, deeper, for more.

You’re left staring at the ceiling with wide eyes and empty hands.

Armitage turns to you, half his face in shadow as he sits on the edge of the bed, running his palms over the silk covers methodically, as if he’s trying to make sure that there's something real beneath him.

“Is everything . . . alright?” you whisper, apprehensive. There’s a sinking pit in your stomach, a terrible strain between your need to touch him and your fear of pushing him away.

He waits a moment before answering with an unconvincing nod.

“Yes, of course. I’m— I apologize.”

He looks so broken, defeated, and you don’t even know what you’ve done to make him this way. With no other options, you shift closer, stroke your fingers over the back of his neck in what you hope is a soothing gesture. His shoulders relax minutely, pressing closer against your hand, and even this little sliver of contact makes your stomach soar.

“There’s nothing for you to apologize for. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

He scoffs, turning away from you, and it's only then that you realize the anger in his eyes is directed inward.

Your chest collapses, folding in on itself in shame.

“Armitage,” you hook one finger under his chin, forcing him to look you in the eyes, “it’s alright. I’m not upset, or angry. We don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to do.”

His jaw tightens, eyes heavy with an unspoken pain. “Please, don’t patronize me.”

“I’m not. You don’t have to worry about me, Armitage.”

He pauses, quiet, shifting in his seat, clearly still embarrassed despite your assurance, “I should return to my room.”

You stop him with a hand on his chest, “Don’t, please, stay with me.”

He flushes, red from his temples to his cheeks; his shame only just overpowered by the desire to stay with you. “I’d need a change of clothes.”

You press your lips together, biting away a smile, “I think I can help with that.”

The trip to his room and back is uneventful, thankfully. The hallways are dim and empty, and the house is large enough that you don’t have to worry about waking anyone, or having to explain your trip to Armitage's quarters in the middle of the night.

The refresher is off when you get back, the room swallowed by silence, and you knock on the door to let him know that you’ve returned from your little mission.

“Come in.”

He speaks quietly but you still manage to hear him, bracing yourself before you enter the refresher, greeted by a wall of steam that clings to your skin and collects in your lashes like tears. Armitage stands, bare from the waist up, staring at his hazy reflection in the fogged glass.

His back is to you, pale white skin pulled tight over sharp shoulder blades, dotted with freckles and occasionally marred by the white stripe of a long-healed scar. There’s another mark, an unexpected one on his left shoulder, just below the junction of his neck.

He watches your approach through the glass, no longer covered in mist now that you’ve let the cold air in, the leftover condensation dripping down its surface like rain before pooling at the edge of the counter.

It’s not a very large tattoo, about the length and width of your thumb: a small sprig of flowers, like the ones you saw on your trip to the market. You trace the lines—the dark green of the stem and where it fades into the soft, white petals—with the tip of your finger, memorizing the pattern.

“It’s Halia,” he says with a cough, “they’re the flowers that grow on the mountains along the shoreline. She was named after them. It was the first thing I did after leaving the academy, in her memory when—” he pauses, voice thick with emotion, “—when I thought she was dead.”

You nod, stroking your thumb over his shoulder, unwilling to speak just yet, in case it breaks whatever spell has overcome him.

“It scared me, for most of my childhood. I’d wake up in the middle of the night and for a few moments I’d be terrified, thinking I’d forgotten her name. My father, he told me the truth when I was very young. Maybe he thought I’d be ashamed, but I couldn’t be. She was the only thing that separated me from that man, and I worried that if I forgot her, like he had, I’d end up like him, too.”

It’s the most he’s ever said to you in a single sitting, bared to you not just physically, but emotionally as well. It's the moment you've been waiting for.

“If she knew the truth,” you whisper, kissing the bend right above the tattoo, “she would be proud of you.”

His hand covers yours, pressed tighter against his skin. “I hope you’re right.”

He glows in the darkness beside you, skin bright and reflective as a moon, and you stroke your hand over his cheek as he slumbers, brush the dark, still-damp hair from his eyes, your other hand firmly held in his own.

You rest your head against the pillow, laying on your side. He'll be the last thing you see before you drift off tonight, and the first you'll see when you wake up.

You fall asleep knowing that you made the right choice.

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