#and it's entirely independent of my and me work!

[chaosduckies]

Day 2: Secure

(I'm still not two days behind no way) And here we are with a continuation of the borrower au!

Word count: 2.4k

CW: none!

I broke the one rule I had set up for myself when Kieran found me. That I wasn’t going to be around him all the time. A borrower had to be independent, after all. I had tried for about a week. Kieran didn't seem to care if I was talking to him or not. To be honest I didn’t know how to feel about that. Either he didn’t care about me as much as I thought, or he just wanted me to feel like I still had freedom around him. Every time I tried to go borrowing though, it just felt weird knowing that he knew I was borrowing from him. 

So, after a week of mixed feelings of wanting to become friends with a very dangerous and erratic human, and not wanting to become friends, I finally realized that there were a lot more benefits to actually talking and hanging out with Kieran than there were disadvantages. It took a few days to actually work up the courage to be around him. And here we are now, breaking the one rule I had set for myself. Now I was just a weak, pathetic borrower who was practically being taken care of by a human. 

I sat on the coffee table by the sofa Kieran was sitting on, watching the television. My bag was strapped around me. My clothes felt a little dirty, and usually I’d go and find a few clothes that the human had forgotten about, but since Kieran knows about me I was afraid he would get angry if I cut out a hole in one of his shirts. Not to mention that he seems to keep a strict wardrobe. He’d definitely get angry with me. Asking was way out of the question too. 

“Why do you like watching this?” I nearly gagged at the screen that was showing a gruesome scene of someone being murdered. Kieran shrugged his shoulders, “It doesn’t even look real. I mean, how are you going to break someone’s leg that easily?” He gestured towards the TV that was literally screaming. I winced and turned away, standing up and hooking my paperclip to the edge of the table. What humans called… “Horror” movies were definitely not made for me. I don’t understand how someone could like watching something so scary. I shuddered, about to climb down the table before Kieran called my name. 

“Where are you going?” he tilted his head. I could tell he was curious, but I knew he wouldn’t do anything to stop me. He hasn’t ever. Not even try to grab me. He mentioned to me countless times that he didn’t mind me walking around the place and if I needed anything he'd get it for me. I hated asking for help, but I would make the exception if it meant I could live to see another day. I haven’t missed a single mealtime because of the food he leaves out, and since I didn’t have to be cautious of him as much, borrowing trips weren’t hard at all. 

“Just gonna get food,” I muttered, fidgeting with my hands before starting down the rope. He nodded his head and turned back towards the TV. 

And just like that, he let me go. He didn’t seem to care if I didn’t come back either. Sometimes when I left without saying a word he’d just clean up whatever he was doing before heading to his room. I was still terrified to walk in, which was why I always left before he decided to go there. It was his own business anyway. Sure I may need a few things from there soon but I’m sure if I asked for a new piece of string and paperclip he’d be fine with it. Maybe. I was still unsure about asking him for things. 

I rushed over to the counter again, seeing that a few small snacks were lying on the top waiting for me. Thanks to Kieran I had a full stomach every night. Something that was extremely rare. I felt bad for exploiting his kindness so much, but I’ve never felt this good in my entire life. 

Once on the counter, I walked over to what he called a pop-tart and grabbed a small piece. It was sweet and extremely delicious. Like the rest of everything he’s left out for me. The jam filling was sticky and I hated it being on my hands but it was worth it for the taste. 

I finished the small piece I grabbed and started down the string again. I’ve learned my lesson about trying to go fast, and frankly, I was too scared to try something like that again so slow and steady it was until I felt comfortable again. I winced at the awkward memory of getting tangled up and unavoidably getting untangled by Kieran. I’m still glad that he let me go. Sure I’ve been hanging around him more often than I had originally promised myself not to and kind of like it, I was still absolutely terrified of him. Not that I’d like to be, but it was just like my instincts didn’t trust him one bit. 

I shrugged it all off, telling myself that one day I’d get over it. When I walked back into the living room, the TV was turned off. Kieran was putting things away and folding the blanket he had covered himself with. Even if it was summer and scorching hot, he claimed that it was still too cold for him. Again, this guy was crazy. 

Kieran sighed before walking around the couch and stopped in his tracks when he spotted me. I gripped my bag strap tighter, trying not to make it obvious that he was intimidating. My heart started to race, calming down a little when he crouched down and studied me. Well, this was different. Usually when he spotted me on the floor he’d smile and go back to what he was doing until I decided to bother him. Maybe I should stop doing that so I don’t end up on the receiving end of one of his lashouts.

“Hey, how do you get your clothes?” He whispered. For someone with tons of extremely scary and intimidating jewelry all over his face, it was still a shock at how gentle and soft he could be when speaking and handling things. Though, the question had me stumped. Do I tell the truth? Will he think that I stole from him? But if I lied and he found out he might get angry… Well, I’d rather choose the safer route. 

“U-um. Just o-old clothes that aren’t used.” I fidgeted under his gaze, a shiver running down my spine at the eerie silence. 

“I can make a few clothes for you if you’d like.” He offered so casually. What? Make? Why would he go through so much just to provide for me? I could make my own if he gave me a little bit of the cloth and fabric he brings back home. Sure it’d be poorly made but at least it’d last for a while. 

I didn’t reply, biting my lip out of nervousness. Kieran would really try to make clothes for me? Wouldn't it be hard because of how small I was compared to him? Maybe just barely two inches tall. I feel like it’d be a little too hard. What if he gets frustrated and gets mad? What would I even do then? 

Kieran rolled his eyes, “C’mon you took too long to answer.” When his hand reached for me my instincts kicked in as I pointed my paperclip at him. We both paused, my chest heaving up and down rapidly at what I was doing. I winced and slowly lowered the paperclip as he flipped his hand palm up for me. My heart dropped. I didn’t mean to react that way. Now he was probably upset with me. The feeling didn’t sit right with me. 

I very hesitantly climbed on, trying not to move too much in case it bothered him. He’s only ever held me one other time and that was when we first met. So this was new to the both of us. Kieran stared, a little bit of awe showing before he stood up carefully and started walking towards his room. I settled safely in the dip of his palm, watching what would’ve taken me five minutes to walk to only take a few steps for Kieran. Sometimes I wish I were human. He reached for the door handle with his free hand and opened the door. 

The room I was so scared of before wasn’t nearly as horrifying as I thought it’d be. His bed was up against the corner with millions of posters lining the walls, even some on the ceiling above. On the edge of the ceiling, there were these tiny little lights that glowed. In another corner there was a large desk with tons of fabric sprawled everywhere along with string and tons of needles and a weird machine thing. What really caught my eye was the large rack and shelf filled with tons of supplies and different colored fabrics that all seemed to be different materials. 

Kieran chuckled before closing the door behind him and walking over to the rack with what seemed like millions of fabrics. 

“What’s your favorite color?” I jumped at how close his voice was, turning around and looking up as he scanned the rack for a few things. 

“Purple.” I replied, watching as he reached for a small piece and a few others, and turned to me like he was deep in thought. I fidgeted again, taking a few deep breaths to calm myself down, flinching when I was lifted a little bit higher.

“I… don’t have anywhere to safely put you. Would you be alright just sitting on my shoulder or something?” My entire body froze. Holding me was already a lot for me. Sitting on his shoulder willingly with barely anything keeping me from falling? That seemed a little too much. What if he moved too much and I flew backwards? I doubt he’d catch me in time before I go splat right on the floor. Or what if I accidentally slip? I was extremely clumsy. 

My inability to say no had the better of me as I nodded my head and was very slowly tilted onto his shoulder. I yelped, my legs shaking the second I landed and grabbed onto the collar of his shirt tightly to make sure I didn’t fall off. I winced quietly, slowly starting to sit down, only then noticing his hand ready to catch me if I fell off. My heart warmed up at the gesture and trembled as I stared forward. The whole world seemed so much different at this height. It felt like I could take on the world, and yet somehow I couldn’t interact with any of it. 

Kieran carefully walked over to his desk and sat down. My grip tightened on the collar of his plaid overcoat. When I looked down, I saw the drop and whimpered quietly, turning my head to face something else. I tried finding something. Anything, only focusing on the different colored fabrics being laid on the desk. The sharp objects. I swallowed hard before taking deep breaths. He wouldn’t use those on me.

“You okay?” Kieran asked, folding the dark purple fabric and grabbing a pencil. I nodded my head forgetting that he couldn’t see me from this angle. 

“Uh- yeah.” My voice was quiet as I focused on his process. Drawing it out. Cutting, using needles to hold a few pieces together. Stitching up different colors and folding a few more. Struggling at some points when the needles wouldn’t cooperate with them. Everytime he sighed or groaned I’d flinch and I couldn’t help but catch the subtle glances he’d steal. 

I didn’t know how long I sat there watching. My eyes grew heavy. I could barely hold them open anymore. Every time I closed my eyes I ended up letting go of his collar and nearly fell off if I hadn’t caught myself in time. It was late. Kieran was doing some final touches, or at least that’s what he had told me. But that was forever ago. I had no idea anymore. 

My eyes started closing again, I felt myself slipping but I couldn’t grab on again before I was entirely falling. I yelped before I realized what was going on. Next thing I knew I was squished between Kieran’s hand and chest. My eyes were wide with fear, my own heartbeat ringing through my ears, my limbs shaking as I tried to push away. This was crazy. I was stupid to even stay. I should’ve told him I was tired or something. He would’ve let me leave. Right? He’s been so understanding so far. 

“You’ve really gotta stop falling little guy.” He chuckled before scooping me back up into his palm. I grabbed a fistful of my shirt, trying to grab my heart. Everything was spinning for a moment before my vision grew back to normal. I groaned, laying down involuntarily. My body was too exhausted to stay up any later. I knew Kieran stayed up late most days, but it was hard to stay awake for him. I was too tired to even care that I was still being held.

“Oh.” He muttered faintly. His hand was so warm despite him saying that he was cold all the time. I could practically melt in it if I were able to. Something warm grazed my back gently. I flinched, but if I were being honest it felt nice. Just some extra warmth. I snuggled closer to his palm, unaware of the somewhat startled human holding me. 

There was a quiet chuckle before the warm touch against my back returned. I flinched every so often, peeking my eyes out to blurrily see Kieran hold me a little closer, “Sorry for keeping you up, Devon.” He sighed through his nose.

I sighed, accepting my fate. Even if I asked to go back to my home, I don’t think my sleep-deprived body would let me. I’d collapse on the floor long before even making it to a hole in the wall. Now, it felt safe, warm, secure. And it wasn’t long before I fell asleep. I’d never trade this feeling out for anything.

——————

Trying to get through these prompts as fast as possible- it’s going great so far

Kieran absolutely loves making clothes and actually makes his own clothes! I thought it’d be cute if he made some for Devon :D

Taglist: @da3dm @dav8530

(if you would like to be added or removed please let me know!)

[music4lifebycc]

Ideas in Motion: Structuring My Third Piece from Scratch, 5 July 2025

Today I focused on developing and arranging the third piece for my album. The session began with generating musical ideas, particularly bass patterns and melodic motifs.

I started by experimenting with two different bass patterns, which I may use interchangeably throughout the piece. These were not fully finalised, but I recorded each one separately to keep track of them for future refinement. I also developed a melodic idea, which I referred to as "motif idea 1", and recorded it independently. From there, I continued to improvise and created a second motif, giving me a wider palette of material to work with.

Building on these ideas, I explored a third motif that I felt had potential. I attempted to expand on this one and colour-coded it bright purple for clarity.

At this point, I began working on the arrangement, aiming to piece the different motifs together into a coherent structure. However, the process became difficult as I found it challenging to connect the various ideas smoothly. The structure became quite cluttered, and I marked this section in dark purple. Midway through the session, I found myself drifting into an entirely different creative direction. However, after some reflection, I chose to stay with my initial concept for this third and final piece of the album.

Following, a problem in my home studio unexpectedly disrupted the session, so I turned to a more stripped-back and improvised working style. I turned to a DAW app on my tablet and used pen and paper to reconstruct the motifs from memory. Through a mix of listening to melodies in my head, singing them aloud, and experimenting ideas on the touch screen, I slowly built a new arrangement. I wrote down detailed notes, including how many bars each section would require, and finalised both the tempo (90 bpm) and time signature (4/4). This planning phase filled three densely marked pages.

I finalised three main bass lines to structure the piece and layered the melody over them. I was selective with the material, omitting any melodic variations that felt unmemorable. With the structure fully written out, I moved on to recording a draft version using the tablet. I recorded the bass lines first, following my notes as a guide for bar lengths and using a metronome. Once the bass was completed, I recorded the melody, again referencing my paper draft throughout.

This process was especially challenging because, unlike when I usually work in my home studio with a fully weighted digital piano, I had to compose using only a flat-screen MIDI piano. The ability to control the touch of the keys is a crucial part of my creative process, and not having that made this experience quite unusual and difficult. However, despite these technical limitations, the experience proved to be extremely valuable. It pushed me to think creatively and problem-solve without relying on my usual setup. Composing using only a pen, paper, and a basic piano app taught me how to adapt when facing real-world constraints.

####### Side Note #######

Today, the entire session spanned ten hours, with five hours dedicated to ideation and improvisation, and another five hours focused on reconstructing and finalising the arrangement using the tablet and written notes.

####### End of Side Note #######

Now that the arrangement is fully structured and recorded in draft form, I plan to move on to the full piano recording once the studio issue is resolved. Please stay tuned!!

[krispykookies]

im a little bit baffled by the so-called "DessKnight Paradox"/the idea that Dess can't be The Knight. the gist of what i've seen others say is this:

1. if Dess is aware of herself, why would she want to cause The Roaring and harm her family, and why wouldn't she just go home?

2. if Dess is not aware of herself and was somehow fucked up (for lack of a better term) by her transformation into The Knight, then how could she possibly do all the cool/powerful/strong things we've seen The Knight do?

to me the solution is obvious, which is why im so surprised to see this "paradox" being used as evidence that Dess is not The Knight.* Dess is being controlled.

she may be aware of her actions, but unable to stop herself from carrying out the will of whoever is puppeteering her body. or maybe she's not aware of her actions at all and her body/soul is merely being used as a tool. or maybe she's trapped in a dreamlike trance and only vaguely aware of what she's doing. hmm, who does that remind me of??

during the snowgrave route in chapter 2, Noelle seems to be in a trance, her eyes closed, blindly trusting in Kris to guide her every action and make her stronger. so much so that she doesn't even recognize Berdly when they meet. but even Noelle's eventual recognition of and desire to protect Berdly isn't enough to stop her from following Kris' orders and killing him with her ice magic.

Spamton Neo is literally controlled by strings from above. the strings themselves might be more metaphorical, possibly symbolizing the more subtle manipulation that the mysterious phone guy has subjected him to. we all know that Spamton was manipulated by someone into believing that taking the Neo body and killing the lightners would "free" him...whatever that means.

Kris is also struggling against control for literally the entire game. we don't yet know whether or not Kris is going along with the soul willingly or whether someone is manipulating them into doing it, but the player character is in control of at least 90% of all of Kris' actions and words. they're shown to be capable of short bursts of regaining control, but it seems difficult and taxing for them. Kris could also potentially be fighting against the independent influences of both the soul AND Gaster/Carol/Sans, or whoever you think is masterminding this whole operation, which adds an additional layer of control over them.

if my theory is correct, Dess as The Knight would thematically parallel Noelle's plight in the snowgrave route, and it would also tie into the overarching narrative of finding freedom and escaping control. one thing i would LOVE to see in a future chapter is a scene of Dess' real face glitching through the black helm of The Knight as she fights for control over herself!

i have a multipage google doc that i'm currently working on detailing every single piece of DessKnight evidence, but i just wanted to refute the whole "DessKnight paradox" and talk about how interesting DessKnight would be from a narrative perspective.

*im fully willing to accept the possibility that someone other than Dess is The Knight, but this "paradox" is weak circumstantial evidence that does not disprove the theory.

[supercantaloupe]

deeply fucking embarrassing presentation.

[moregraceful]

they're both draft eligible [okotoksoilers]

[kirby-the-gorb]

[doctorweebmd]

ok my OTHER reflection:

on the one hand its really frustrating to see the posts about docs and healthcare in general on here be so narrow-minded. bad experiences with certain providers have lead to a huge spread of misinformation and mistrust with the whole system. which can and HAS lead to people avoiding 'evil' doctors for perfectly treatable illnesses and dying from them (the vaccine bullshit, anyone?)

but on the other hand. it is TERRIFYING how some of these docs practice medicine. at times i think 'are you just burned out and don't give a shit or are you straight up just stupid?' and i work in critical care. where quite literally every case is life or death. even in the academic sector where there is supposedly a standard of excellence, some doctors i would not let touch my loved ones with a ten foot pole.

and that sucks. i know this is the no nuance piss on the poor webbed site but 'the medical system and people that work for it are fallible and aspects of it are morally questionable at best/unethical at worst' AND 'the field of medicine exists to help people first and foremost and mistrusting/avoiding it can be detrimental in the long run' can and DO co-exist

[hangingslothcentral]

unironically love it when people say things like 'this OBVIOUSLY was meant to be about [insert hyperspecific thing which is dependent on that person's specific experience]'

my darling, no, it is not obvious

you are looking in a mirror

the truth you see reflected in the art is a part of yourself

this work was not made for you

your reading of it was, though

if you feel seen, it is because you are seeing yourself

thank you for showing me this part of you

[steinbit]

i will get a job i don't wanna die in i will get a job i don't wanna die in i will get a job i don't wanna die in i will get a job i don't wanna die in i WILL get a job i don't wanna die in i will get a job i don't wanna die in i will get a job i don't wanna die in i will get a job i don't wanna die in i will get a job i don't wanna die in i Will get a job i don't wanna die in i will get a job i don't wanna die in i will get a job i don't wanna die in i will get a job i don't wanna die in i will get a job i don't wanna die in i Will get a job i don't wanna die in i w i l l get a job i don't wanna die in i will get a job i don't wanna die in i will get a job i don't wanna die in i will get a job i don't wanna die in i will get a job i don't wanna die in i will get a job i don't wanna die in i will get a job i don't wanna die in i will get a job i don't wanna die in i will get a job i don't wanna die in i w i l l get a job i don't wanna die in i will get a job i don't wanna die in i will get a job i don't wanna die in i WILL get a job i don't wanna die in i will get a job i don't wan-

[forgive-the-sea]

just hit me that soon i won't be a girl in my 20s...

[autumnoakes]

how many times do we have to say it?

just because someone, as an autistic person, doesn't struggle with something other autistic people do, it doesn't mean that all autistic people are capable of doing it.

it's good that some autistic people have been able to eat a varied and balanced diet. a lot of autistic people struggle with that, and eating in general, and it shouldn't be implied that they're not trying hard enough to eat in a way that's considered healthy when a lot of the times, they're just doing what they can to eat at all. additionally, a lot of autistic people struggle with recognizing hunger cues, and don't recognize when they're either hungry or full.

it's good that some autistic people are self-sufficient, have degrees, can hold jobs, and can live by themselves. a lot of autistic people are incapable of doing those things, and need to live with someone else to support them so they can meet their needs, whatever that looks to them.

it's good (very very good) that some autistic people have all the support they need and are thriving. this is not the case for a lot of autistic people. a lot of us are left on our own to arrange our own support which is extremely difficult and draining and not possible to do alone in many cases, which keeps us stuck in this place of being burnt out due to lack of support.

listen to people who are saying that they can't. don't brush off others' struggles just because it's not something that you personally don't struggle with or were able to find a way to cope with that struggle or overcome it. that's not how acceptance works, and that does not create welcoming environments for a lot of higher supports needs people.

[lesbianlenas]

so many young women recently desiring to be stay at home mothers….the ironic part of it is that all of those women that do become stay at home moms will one day understand why the women before them fought so hard for them to not have to fulfill that role at the point at which they realize that their personhood has been entirely sacrificed in the name of motherhood & there is no going back on that. all women who are stay at home moms are forced to put themselves aside to take care of their children and husband & are forced to make that their entire identity & that is exhausting and dehumanizing. that is how betty friedan started second wave feminism w the feminine mystique. bc women finally realized that all women hated being housewives & there wasn’t smth wrong w each of them individually as they had all believed. but those that do not learn history etc etc……

[punkrockisafulltimejob]

Bleh

[mosspapi]

My mother really likes the rug I'm making for my apartment and said she's genuinely considering commissioning some from me. And like. I seriously deeply appreciate the thought and the fact that she likes it so much that she not only wants one of her own but will pay me for it too, but I don't think she realizes that actually doesn't do anything. "My" bank account is still owned by, managed, and accessed by her and my father. She can put money in or take money out whenever she wants. She sees all of the transactions that go thru it. If she pays me for it she's just moving her own money from one of her accounts to another one of her accounts but this time I know it exists. It's not MY money even if she pays "me".

[moving-to-dreamwinged]

my dad came in and saw me on the couch (for the first time all day and i had literally just sat down for less than a minute when he came in) w heating pad and immediately goes "you have two options" (different chores to do) (as if i was like 10 years old and getting punished for something that i didnt even know i did wrong). what about secret third option where you treat me like an adult or i don't come home for winter next year. Lol