#and it's being received by a fandom that would rather joke about cancer and a teenager grieving the loss that cancer caused.

[mymarifae]

prsktwitter is literally a nuclear waste zone rn if you’ve ever lost someone to cancer or if you just have a singular ounce of compassion and know how to think about how your actions affect other people

[vi-olia]

Yuletide 2019 Letter

Dear Writer,

Hi! I am violia over on AO3 and viiolia here on tumblr.

I am so excited that you have been matched with me for this year’s Yuletide. This letter is intended to expand upon the small details that I gave you on the AO3 signup. If you’d prefer to not have any more details from me, then I understand! Good luck, thank you for writing in these small fandoms, and I can’t wait for the 25th!

On the other hand, if you’d like some more info from me, then please read on. What you’ll find here is a list of my likes and dislikes, and then a rundown of each of my requested fandoms, in which I explain why I love the characters and fandoms that I’ve chosen, so that you may get an idea of what I’d like to see in potential fics, without me just straight up telling you what to do.

ABOUT ME

Likes:

If there’s only one thing that you want to remember about me, please let it be this: at the end of the day, I will love any fic if it is driven by strong, well-thought-out characters and relationships.

Happy endings! I enjoy angst and hurt/comfort, but please let there be a happy ending for all.

Snappy dialogue.

I love canon! All these canons. I also like canon divergence and post-canon fics.  

Humour, romance, mystery, sci-fi, fantasy, drama, adventure, magical realism.

I generally enjoy fandom tropes, as long as they’re adapted to suit the specific characters and relationship dynamics. Friends-to-lovers, or 5+1 things, are two tropes that immediately come to mind. The same goes for AUs: I love an AU if there’s been good thought and worldbuilding put into how the specific characters and relationships would fit into a different canonical universe.

I love slash. All my requests contain characters that I love to ship together. I love smut and romance and getting-together fics and established relationship fics. But if slash really isn’t your thing - I won’t mind a gen or pre-slash story either. Again, at the end of the day, if the fic is driven by strong, interesting, emotional characters and arcs, whether in relationships or not, I will be loving it!

In terms of smut, I really enjoy (again, I’m a broken record) when it’s informed by the characters’ emotions/dynamics/relationship at that certain point in the story. I enjoy reading more vanilla smut and more kinky smut; specific likes include praise kink, consent play/dubcon (where it’s still clear that both parties have consented to this kink), body worship, semi-public sex (preferably close calls, or without being caught), tender sex, and rough sex (not too much actual pain though). My bookmarked works on AO3 can be pretty, uh, enlightening in terms of what smut I like to read. Also, this is pedantic but I prefer the word “come” rather than “cum”.

Dislikes/DNWs:

Animal and child abuse/death.

Character death, or characters with cancer/terminal illnesses.

Unhappy endings.

Horror, zombies, cannibalism, and extreme/non-canon-typical violence.

PWP. Don’t get me wrong - I love porn. But please have some plot in there!

De-aging.

Student/teacher relationships, and any circumstances/relationships/power dynamics where a main character is taking unfair or malicious advantage of another.

Rape.

Infidelity.

First person POV.

In terms of smut, I’m really not a fan of BDSM, scat, watersports, vomit, extreme humiliation, body horror, or bestiality.

BLACKKKLANSMAN Ron Stallworth, Flip Zimmerman

This film really got me good. Everything about it struck me - the message, the characters, the plot, the cinematography, the music. I quickly fell in love with Ron and Flip and the idea of those two becoming friends (or something more).

I love Ron Stallworth for his courage and wit. I love how he approaches life and people. He’s so open, low-key and easy to get along with. He’s not quick to judge anyone. Perhaps this stems partly from the time he spent at college. But I truly feel that if someone were to come out to Ron Stallworth, he would never discriminate against them. Maybe he’d need some time to fully understand. Maybe he’s needed some time to fully come to terms with his own sexuality. But he’s not one to judge. And he’s so smart and such a quick-thinker. And probably a little kinky, which I love. Okay I’ll stop rambling about Ron now.

Time to ramble about Flip instead. Flip Zimmerman: the Gruff, Quiet Romantic. I love how Flip can seem so immovable, always unfazed. He and Ron are similar, in this way. But Ron is way more in touch with his emotions, whereas Flip is not so much. Or maybe he is in touch with his emotions, but he just doesn’t often express them. I love that Flip needs to really trust someone before he lets them get close. He’s not quick to judge others, either, but I think he can certainly hold some judgements about himself, and out of the both of them, I’d say Flip would have more trouble coming to terms with his sexuality, or admitting his feelings for Ron. But oh boy - I think Flip would be fantastic in bed. Yes ma’am. Mmm… anyway.

One thing I’m very aware of is that being gay or exploring your sexuality was not totally fun or freeing in 1970s America. It came with a lot of serious dangers. Being outed could cost you your job, your safety, your family, and more. Writer, I would appreciate it very much if you could take this historical context into account. It directly informs whatever friendship/relationship Ron and Flip have. I would find it very difficult to feel immersed in a story about two men, one Jewish and one African-American, who are coming to terms with their feelings for one another, or entering into a romantic and/or sexual relationship with one another, or forging a close friendship with one another, if the story did not take into account the serious issues of racism and homophobia which pervade the era and setting of this film. (AKA, please don’t have them sitting in a public cafe holding hands, or something else that’s unrealistic for this time period.)

My preference for these two characters is clearly skewed towards slash. I would love to read about them forging a relationship, romantic or sexual or both. Maybe they go from friends to lovers, or they do the only fun thing there is to do in Colorado Springs and hike into the wilderness for a private moment. Or maybe they’re in an established relationship, and navigating their lives as a closeted gay couple who both work for the police department. Or maybe you think of something else entirely; I can’t wait. Alternatively, maybe you’d prefer to write gen or pre-slash instead, and in that case, please feel free. I would love reading about the growth of Ron and Flip’s friendship, or more of their time working together as police officers. Ultimately, I am just so excited to potentially receive a fic from you, for me, which I think is so special.

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE RPF Colin Jost, Michael Che

Although the first year or two they spent as hosts of Weekend Update was fairly rocky at times, Colin Jost and Michael Che have really come into their own with this segment on SNL, and the hate comments I used to see on their videos a couple of years ago have almost all changed to comments of support and appreciations of their comedy. What makes them so good at this is their dynamic. They bounce off of either other constantly on the show, and they work so well together - they have to, in this job!

Michael Che is the one true trash fire that I know and love. What is he doing? I don’t know. I don’t think he knows either. And I love him for it. One thing that really stands out to me about Che is how good he is at comedy, and particularly stand-up. I can tell that he seriously puts a lot of thought and effort into his delivery. He makes it sound so effortless and off the top of his head, but in reality he is practiced and professional and knows his craft. His humour often comments on big issues like racism and gender, and I personally really enjoy this commentary-style comedy, where you can poke fun at everyone but also have a serious message to convey as well. Personality-wise, I love how Che is a selective over-thinker. He can be so overly conscious of some things, and so oblivious and apathetic about others. I think he might struggle, or has previously struggled with his sexuality; but I also think Colin makes him weak at the knees, and Che finds himself simultaneously wanting to take Colin on a date, and fuck him into the mattress, and run away and hide in another country, and fall asleep for three years, all at once.

Colin’s humour is more silly and less ‘controversial’ than Che’s. I don’t enjoy it less, just differently. Colin definitely has his life more together than Che does - or at least, is great at acting like he’s got his life together. I love that Colin is easygoing and quietly calm and confident, but beneath that, I think he struggles with some overthinking tendencies too. And sometimes he really doesn’t feel confident at all. I think he’s pretty in touch with his emotions, but when it comes to expressing them, sometimes he might just need a moment to get the right words. Especially if he’s nervous. But I love that Colin really likes Che. He finds Che so hilarious (and vice versa, of course). I love how Che can always make Colin laugh out loud, or do his cute little smile that’s a twist of his lips. I love that they can bounce off each other in progressing a joke to the point where it seems like they’re the only two people in the room.

Truly, I think they’re both trash fires in their own ways. I think it’s a minor miracle if they get together, because they’re both second-guessing themselves at some point, and they both treasure their friendship so incredibly much. But that’s why I love them so much - because of how closely tied together they are. They truly value each other in their lives. They are best friends and close confidants and they’ve gone through a lot together.

I love reading about Colin and Che and their lives working at SNL. The work week is incredibly hectic at that show - even more so now that Colin and Che are head writers, as well as managing and appearing in their own segment. I find the whole cast of SNL fascinating and hilarious, and I think a lot of people romanticise what it might be like to work in such a demanding job with such a close-knit community of people. I think who they are at this point in time is tied very closely with their jobs, especially because they work together. If you’re writing a story or some scenes that take place at SNL, I don’t mind if you include other SNL cast members in passing interactions, for the sake of verisimilitude.

Writer, I would love it if you could just pretend that Colin Jost is not engaged to Scarlett Johansson. Or if there’s another way you want to deal with that, then go for it. Please just heed my DNWs: no infidelity, and no unhappy endings. Other than that, I’m so excited about any story you have about these two guys. I clearly ship them together; I’d love to see some aspect of their relationship, maybe getting together or in an established relationship, maybe during the SNL season or something they get up to during their summer holidays. If you’re more of a gen or pre-slash writer, I totally understand - just their dynamic as it is now, as friends who bounce off one another and get on each others’ nerves but ultimately understand each other on a deeper level than anyone else around them, is so interesting and entertaining for me to watch and I’d love to read more of it.

Side note: Colin and Che did an advertisement for Red Nose Day on the Weekend Update desk in which Kate McKinnon, in an old-lady character that I think embodies all of fandom, lobbies for them to kiss. Colin kisses Che on the cheek, but Che was totally ready for a peck on the lips. THIS VIDEO IS MAYBE POSSIBLY REQUIRED VIEWING FOR THESE CHARACTERS. Search their names + Red Nose Day on Youtube to find it; requires a VPN if you’re not based in the USA.

LEGALLY BLONDE Elle Woods, Vivian Kensington

I have two words for you. LAWYER WIVES. Or law student wives. That’s more than two words, but you get the idea.

A couple of months ago, I rewatched Legally Blonde for the first time in many years. My biggest takeaway from this viewing? ELLE AND VIVIAN NEED TO DITCH THOSE GROSS GUYS AND JUST GET TOGETHER INSTEAD. Seriously! Warner is a sexist and self-absorbed asshole. Both Elle and Vivian deserve so much better… aka, each other.

The biggest thing I love about Elle Woods is her positive and caring attitude. She rarely lets things get her down, nor does she fall into self-pity. And Vivian Kensington just screams smol baby gay to me and I adore her for it. Please can someone (Elle) walk into Vivian’s life and pull her out of the humdrum of repetitive, lame, often orgasm-less intercourses with self-absorbed men and into the beautiful world of women pleasuring other women one, two, three times over. But also I do love how Vivian puts on a strong, confident face and is so dedicated to her studies and career but you can tell, beneath all that, she’s still figuring all this stuff out.

I think Vivian can learn a lot from Elle about how to let go, have fun, and most of all, how to be more considerate of others; I think Elle can learn a lot from Vivian about discipline, duty, responsibility, and the more realistic/gritty aspects of being a lawyer. I think that together, these two women could balance each other out incredibly well. They could learn and grow together and support each other.

I think Elle’s naïveté could sometimes get annoying, especially to someone like Vivian, who is incredibly knowledgeable, realistic and down-to-earth. But that’s not to say that Elle is not those things as well. And in fact, I think Vivian can be quite naive herself when it comes to emotions and relationships; this is an area she’s not totally confident in. It’s pretty clear that Vivian’s internalised some sexist and misogynistic attitudes (see: slut-shaming Elle when she was sexually harassed by Callahan). I think Vivian’s jump to conclusions here can also be attributed to her tendency to act first, and ask questions later; she’s quicker to judge others than Elle is.

I hope this whole bunch of random thoughts I have about these characters gives you some idea of why I love them so much. What I’ve written here leans more towards femslash; but please know that, if you prefer to write gen, I would of course gladly accept any gen fic that you gift me. Because it’ll be from you, to me! And that is something so special and exciting. At the end of the day, I just want to read about these two characters growing closer together, whether that be in a friendship or relationship.

Note: if you want to include Emmett and/or Warner in some capacity, I don’t mind, just as long as the main focus of the story is on Elle and Vivian. Tbh I think Elle and Emmett would be awesome best friends.

[getoffthesoapbox]

[VKM Spec] Ridiculing VKM 18

As expected, Hino’s obsession with dreary funerals continues.

Obligatory disclaimer for my anti-fans: This post is zeki criticism, vkm criticism, hino criticism, and anti ky. Please blacklist those tags accordingly.

Scanlations can be found in the usual places.

The Good

Gotta give credit where credit is due!

Hallelujah! Kaien Cross bites the dust (literally) at last! Praise the heavens! At last, one of the cancers of this story has been eradicated! Screw you, Hino, for trying to make him more than oozing pustule he was. (And LOL @ that guy facepalming in front of his coffin, who the hell is that anyway, I want his autograph? XD)

Kaien’s melodramatic “woe is me, what a shitty way to die” and then his pathetic “oh a girl is finally crying for me after all this time!” dramatics were hilarious. Like...how sad of a person are you that you’re relieved any girl is crying for you at your death?

Ren is a girl. I repeat: Ren is a girl. At last we can put to bed all that nonsense.

Ren is null!Zero’s and Yuuki’s child. I repeat: Ren is null!Zero’s and Yuuki’s child. Farewell, fantasies of test tube babies and clones and in vitro. Not only that, Ren was clearly conceived in the usual fashion of conceptions, not via any Zeusian head-births or immaculate conceptions. 

Null!Zero lived to raise Ren. I repeat: null!Zero lived to raise Ren. At least the “null!Zero can’t have anything Kaname doesn’t get” rule no longer applies. 

Kaname is too much of a chicken to look at the photo album of a man who worshipped him. Methinks nu!Kaname has received some intimations about how much of a shithead he was in the past. Makes me think better of him.

Kaname is actually interested in someone from the past who isn’t Yuuki and what that person might think of him. Also that he actually genuinely seems interested in finding out how much Ai suffered from Kaien’s loss and is trying to empathize for the first time in his life. 

Ai finally showed up for a funeral. ‘Bout time, since she didn’t even bother to show up for Yori’s. 

The little girl the Prince was living with is not the mayor’s daughter, thank god. 

The mad scientist got a stylish cameo! 

And that’s about it!

The Bad

Perhaps I should rename this section to “The Stupid”? I’ll have to consider it.

Hino forgetting her own lore and that pureblood blood can cure wounds and illnesses--see Shizuka with Ichiru. Ai was right next to Kaien--she didn’t need to offer him vamprism, she could have just fed him her blood. For him to die in such a stupid fashion, despite how great it is, is positively mind boggling given the established vampire lore in this story. 

Hino retroactively trying to act like Kaien meant something to these characters when he’d routinely fucked them over in order to rescue his precious Kaname. 

Yuuki boo-hooing over Kaien dying when she didn’t bother to spend any time with him during the 100 years of life she had to enjoy his company.

Kaname’s unexplained “curse” on Touma that came out of the clear blue nowhere with no foreshadowing or set up in order to “justify” Touma’s insane behavior. Hino’s just phoning it in at this point. 

Touma is the Prince, snooze. Boring and obvious and a narrative dud. 

The “Mayor” is useless and already under arrest, and why the hell does anyone even still care about him?

Kaien’s funeral was a joke and got more panels than Yori’s, which is ridiculous.

The timeline is fucked. Ai was acting last chapter like a bunch of time had passed between the mad scientist kidnapping and the Ren pregnancy being discovered, yet the little girl is still the same age. Either she’s a vampire or Hino has no clue what the timeline is.

Instead of talking about how excited they are to meet Ren, Yuuki spends most of her pregnancy screentime rehashing bullshit about Ai’s childhood with Ai. We already spent 6 chapters on Ai’s childhood Hino, you might want to give us some time to enjoy Ren for once yeah? 

Yuuki whining about Kaien and Yori not being there is a complete joke. Bitch, please, you waiting seventy years to get in bed with your side piece is the reason they’re not there with you now. You have no right to complain because this is your own fault. You squandered the time you had with your precious people.

Null!Zero’s apparently barely there as a father figure since Hino didn’t care to show him in more than one panel with his child. 

The Ugly

All of the ugly this chapter was packed in at the end, appropriately.

Hino just completely excised null!Zero from the family. In the montage of raising Ai images, Zero doesn’t even get a panel with Ai or Yuuki--he’s separated in his own itty bitty panel as if he’s still an outsider in his own family.

No sex scene, no waiting for the baby scene, no naming Ren scene for Zeki. That’s a pretty low blow to make us wait all that time and then skip over everything, Hino. Fuck you, too.

Zero’s and Ai’s little argument at the end would be cute if we’d actually gotten some fucking answers as to why Zeki didn’t get together for an entire human lifetime, but no, Hino doesn’t care to tell us why, we can just make the answer up for ourselves!

Whether Hino intends to “make good” on this implication or not (and my bet, given how gross Ai and Ren act in the future, is that she’ll make good on it), it is utterly reprehensible that Hino made Ai have a sexual attraction to a fucking innocent baby. We all know the VK/VKM world has established that vampiric hunger the way Ai experiences it in VKM 18 is sexual in nature. Hino trying to act like it’s cute there at the end is not ever acceptable. It was not even remotely acceptable when Kaname did it, and it’s not at all acceptable now just because the girls are sisters. Just like slapping Aidou, child grooming is not appropriate or laudable behavior. Ai having a sexual interest in her baby sister is not okay.

And last, but certainly not least, null!Zero and Yuuki approving Ai’s interactions with Ren without having any concerns is deeply disturbing to me. Hino trying to play this off as a cute and normal happy family is even more troubling. I’m very concerned about how this all is going to play out in the future. 

General Aside

@vampireknightmeta brought up a few ways in which Hino might be able to salvage the story as it is now in our private conversations, but I will leave any public speculation on future positive developments to her should she choose to share them with the fandom at large. 

At this point in time, I myself have no interest in speculating about potential positive narrative developments because Hino has shown time and time again that she’s happy to sink lower than even the lowest bar I set for her. I’d rather be happily surprised by Hino saving this story on her own and just laugh at her bumbling in the meantime rather than investing my heart into trying to uncover the “secrets” of the story of a repugnant and morally bankrupt failure of a writer. From now on, I’ll only be speculating about worst case scenarios, the worst I can possibly imagine, and maybe Hino will do even worse than that just to prove to me that there’s no low she’s above sinking to. 

As such, if you’re looking for positive theorizing, you won’t find it here until I see some significant improvement in this sorry excuse for a story. Please look elsewhere for your hit of “positivity.” 

Crackpot Theory Corner

Can’t end this debacle without some crackpot theories. Here’s what could happen that could make this story sink even lower than it has already sunk!

Null!Zero might actually get suspicious of Ai’s “attentions” to Ren, but he’s going to die before he can stop anything. =P Null!Zero does still seem to have some fatherly instincts.

Null!Zero is up next for being killed, probably next volume. We’ll probably have a funeral or two every volume, because that’s totally what everyone’s reading for!

In the chapter where null!Zero dies, we’ll have Ren dying in the future while protecting Ai or Kaname! Gotta kill off dem pesky Kiryuus!

When Yuuki meant “short time after Zero” when he died in VKM 4, what she meant to say was “null!Zero died 20 years after I screwed him and I put myself to bed for 900 more.” Hence, “short time.” Time’s relative, doncha know.

After Ren dies, Kaname and Ai will mourn, then resurrect Yuuki to ease their sorrow and the Kurans will live happily ever after. 

Yuuki never intended to marry Zero, and that’s why she let Yori die before getting together with him officially so Yori wouldn’t have to know Yuuki loved Kaname and not Zero (why, only Hino knows). The wedding Yori and Aidou were waiting for will happen after they’re long dead with Kaname and Yuuki instead. 

The baby from Yuuki’s dream is her second kid with Kaname, a boy who she’ll name Zero. Ai will imprint on her new brother and the horror will start all over again with a new generation, this time blessedly free of Kiryuus, who are all dead.

Oh, and the Vampire King will never be found, because who cares. ;)

Until next time, see you later!

[blainematters]

For your reading pleasure, a selection of awful fucking quotes from CC’s latest *~masterpiece~*. That’s right, I read all 407 pages so you don’t have to! Unless you too are a complete masochist, in which case go nuts.

This is image heavy, fair warning. Some names have been slightly altered to protect the crazies who would read this and cry.

Audiences found the show’s campiness to be rather charming, its unique underdog spirit resonated with them, and a global phenomenon was born. Nice description of Glee there. Very original. Good work.

Pitying looks were cast upon the unfortunate souls without seats, as if they were third-class passengers on the Titanic. The death of 1500 people in the worst maritime disaster in history is not a funny or clever simile.

Luckily for him, these days Cash had a little help to take the edge off. He reached into his pocket and pulled out three large pills and two marijuana gummy bears. This is how the main character treats his anxiety. He takes this combo with whiskey. This apparently makes him ‘completely numb’. 

He thought it was funny how there was hydrocodone, weed, and alcohol flowing through his veins at a work event but he wasn’t the biggest douchebag onstage. Except he really, really is. Funnily enough people on drugs aren’t the best judge of character.

If he responded with something they didn’t like, his social media would be bombarded with pictures, videos, and GIFs of decapitated animals, human feces, and militants destroying priceless artifacts.

“Olá, fucktards,” Davi said—his use of American slang was a work in progress. What. This character is brazilian, and he swears constantly. Those are his only character traits.

“That’s incredible, Huda,” Mo said. “If only diplomacy worked as efficiently as a fandom, there would never be war again.” I’m fucking dying.

“Young lady,” the psychologist said. “I have studied the human mind for more than four decades. I understand the appeal of joining the transgender community, but I promise you, the transgender movement is nothing short of a trend for nonconformists. In fact, it is still considered a mental illness by the World Health Organization.” Sorry, what appeal? What even is this nonsense? Why does it go on for five pages? Why the need to unnecessarily torture the trans character with this when it makes no difference to his storyline? Why?

Mo had suffered from OID (overactive imagination disorder) since childhood. The condition wasn’t officially recognized by the United States Department of Health (because Mo had made it up) but the disorder was just as taxing and consuming as any. From the entire community of people with mental illness: Fuck you CC. Fuck you for this awful, awful thing. Kindly go fuck yourself for pretending you have any understanding of what a mental illness is like to live with. Ugh.

A very good-looking man in his early twenties. He wore thick sunglasses, a black leather jacket, dark jeans, and designer boots. Yes, this is how ‘Cash’ is described. He’s also been previously described as a total mess who hasn’t showered in days, so I’m not totally convinced it’s accurate.

“I’m T0pher C0llins. It is such a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Carter.” T0pher C0llins? Are you fucking shitting me?

“I walked into my bedroom and saw Peaches had taken a huge dump in the middle of my bed, so I had to clean it up and put my comforter in the washer.” This is said by the only girl in the group, in front of ‘Cash’, who she idolises. Because girls are just stupid fucking blabbermouths right?

“-it’s getting asked advice on how to break into the industry from the guy taking a dump in the stall next to you” Oh look, another thing that has never, ever happened.

“You gotta say that shit so no one labels you as a future has-been—that’ll kill a career. Even if it’s obvious you’ll never do anything but the show you’re on, you can’t admit it.” The first honest and realistic thing in this book, and it only took till chapter seven!

“Every time I get any recognition he writes me into a coma or puts me through something horrendous as punishment. After I was on the cover of TV Guide, he put a dangerous stunt into a script and it broke my ankle. After I won a People’s Choice Award, he put my character in a coma for twelve episodes. The list goes on.” I wonder how Ryan Murphy will react when he hears about this character who is so clearly him?

“Nothing is stranger than fanfiction,” Cash said, like a sailor recalling his encounter with a horrible sea creature. THIS ENTIRE BOOK IS REAL LIFE FANFICTION YOU HYPOCRITICAL ASSHOLE.

“He’s a little jaded, I’ll give you that—but after all the joy he’s given us over the years, the least we can do is let him be a human being. ” Yes, let the straight white cis male tell you all how to think, feel, and act. Your hero isn’t a douche, he’s misunderstood. Let him treat you like shit because who else gets that experience?

The world’s biggest rubber-band ball bounced into the horizon like a deer recently freed from captivity. Chapter nine: ‘Cash’ destroys a national landmark for shits and giggles.

The actor excitedly passed out tickets to Topher, Joey, Sam, and the Sacagawea statue—mistaking it for Mo. He’s also a racist. Are we surprised?

Why is he dancing like an epileptic on roller skates? Aaaaand a joke about epilepsy. I’m sure Hannah loves it.

“What did you do? How did you get over it?” Joey said. “One day I woke up and decided I had had enough.” ‘Cash’ cures his crippling agoraphobia by just going outside. Again, fuck you CC. That is not how mental illness works. Do two seconds of research for fucks sake.

“The night we were all watching the season six finale of Wiz Kids at Joey’s house, I was actually supposed to be watching Billy while my mom was at a Bunco party. I gave him some cold medicine so he would sleep and ran home to check on him every commercial break.” Drug your disabled siblings, your friends will think you’re cool and laugh about instead of telling you  that you’re an awful fucking person. Which you are.

“Then one day, as I was posting a GIF of a decapitated giraffe on her profile, I learned WizKidLiz01 was a little girl with Down syndrome.” Also on the list of things that make you an awful fucking person… plagiarism or no, don’t do this shit.

“So what’s your real name?” Topher asked. “Now, that you’re not going to believe,” Cash said. “It’s Tom Hanks.”

“They were the most eccentric group of stoners Cash had ever seen and he couldn’t take his eyes off them, like they were the subjects of a fascinating nature documentary.” One character is literally screaming her head off with paranoia and scratching invisible bugs in her skin, but hey, watching teenagers on a drug trip is so interesting!

“I think you’re giving him too much credit,” Cash said. “He’ll be long gone by then.” Oh yeah, ‘Cash’ is extremely preoccupied with death. He frequently says shit like this alluding to it. No-one notices.

“Because if you don’t, I’m going to tell the fangirls about the treatment we’ve received today and unleash them upon your establishment like a plague of locusts! They’ll harass you, humiliate you, and chase your wrinkled, old, racist ass into hiding for the rest of your miserable existence! Do I make myself clear?” Um… what? Why would you even?

“Of course the brakes worked, I was just fucking with you,” Cash said. ‘Cash’ continues to be the absolute worst by making someone think she’s going to die. Of course, she somehow she also doesn’t know that James Dean died in a car accident. Sigh.

“But I think we’d know it if he was mentally unbalanced or an addict of some kind.” YOU ARE EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD AND YOU ARE A COMPLETE IDIOT. YOU LITERALLY JUST DESCRIBED ‘CASH’.

“You lose the right to humanity when you become famous. It’s just the way it is, but I’m not going to whine about it.” Except in this entire book.

“I’m transgender!” Sam declared. “I know what it’s like to have everyone treat you like something you’re not because people have been doing it to me my whole life. I’ve never met someone who could relate—but it’s like everything you just said! We’re both trapped! We’re both prisoners of unfair expectations!” These! things! are! not! comparable! Mostly because ‘Cash’ could leave that life any time, Sam won’t ever stop having to deal with being trans. Shut the fuck up CC. Sam then spends waaaay too much time explaining gender and sexual identity to ‘Cash’ because he’s a complete moron.

Darla spoke with the energy and enthusiasm of a camp counselor on crystal meth. How is this joke in any way appropriate when the main character is clearly a raging drug addict? He’s literally constantly tweaking.

The others stared at Cash in disbelief. It was like a demon living inside of him had taken the reins. Watch as these people we’re supposed to believe all got into prestigious colleges like Colombia and MIT completely fail to recognise the signs of an addict going through withdrawal.

They had never in their lives felt more exposed, more violated, or more gutted. It was as if someone had ripped off all their clothes and chucked their hearts into the depths of the Grand Canyon. ‘Cash’ is so self-obsessed and full of self-pity he decides to out two people in the group and tell another she’s wasting her life just to make them all feel as awful as he does. What a delightful person huh?

“Joey, I have always wanted a gay best friend. I’m not mad because you hid your orientation from me; I’m just upset because of all the Will & Grace opportunities we’ve missed out on.” ARE YOU SHITTING ME?

He was staring at Topher with a weak smile and his eyes were opened just barely enough to see. He clearly knew who Topher was, but Topher couldn’t place him.

“I have glioblastoma,” Cash said. “That’s a fancy stage name for brain cancer.”

I was fine and could easily hide this until a few days ago, but now I’m so weak and frail you don’t even recognise me. Usually Glioblastoma on the brain stem causes symptoms like seizures, confusion, paralysis, vomiting, dizziness, and loss of basic functions, but I’m a special snowflake and get to stay able-bodied and cognisant until the end!

“In April I started getting these really bad migraines,” Cash explained. “A doctor came to the set and recommended I get a scan. We were behind in production so the producers wouldn’t give me time off to get it done.” It’s all Hollywood’s fault he’s dying! Not his for not getting any fucking treatment. And actors can and do take days off for health reasons, that shit is totally allowed.

“Holy shit,” Topher said. “These are all mine.… You’ve saved every letter I ever wrote to you.…” That’s not totally fucking creepy at all, ‘Cash’.

“He’s not a bad person—he’s got brain cancer! That’s why he’s been behaving the way he has!” That makes everything okay! Except not really. Cancer doesn’t give you a free pass to be an asshole. You aren’t making the most of what life you have left, you’re just being a shithead.

“The actor had had so little control over his life, but his death was exactly how he wanted it to be.” Yes, he dies five days later. No-one wondered about his odd behaviour or suspected he might be sick until they visited him in a hospice. These people must be so stupid they can barely function for this to make sense. He’s been dying for months and nobody at all noticed? Bullshit.

“Oh gosh, I’m so nervous to hear how it went! I practically feel like I came out as transgender, too!” NO MORE.

“Not to be a downer, but did anyone watch the footage from Cash’s funeral today?” Mo asked. “Why did they wait a whole month to have it?” Topher asked. “Because it was sponsored by Canon and their new camera comes out this week,” Mo said.

I don’t think companies generally sponsor funerals? Let’s just hope it wasn’t an open casket, that shit would be nasty after a month.

“Fuck off, I’m banging Marilyn Monroe.” No, god no. Please no. Just end this thing now please.

The aspiring writer felt like she and her friends were living a ridiculous happy ending straight from the final page of one of her outlandish stories. Uh…

And a bonus from the author’s note:

However, for the purpose of good storytelling, the characters’ opinions and choices are sometimes flawed. Please do not view their actions as generalizations or examples to follow, but as the mistakes and triumphs of individuals. All of my characters were awful and/or treated like shit by everyone else, but that’s for the sake of the story. It’s not my fault if you act this way and everyone hates you! (And still love me please god I’m so alone...)