#and it's being received by a fandom that would rather joke about cancer and a teenager grieving the loss that cancer caused.
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prsktwitter is literally a nuclear waste zone rn if youâve ever lost someone to cancer or if you just have a singular ounce of compassion and know how to think about how your actions affect other people
#people are being ASSHOLES over seeing tweets asking them not to make jokes about an's new card or nagi's death#i'm. trying to be positive and i hope that when most of them see the event themselves they'll realize why people are so hurt by this#and they'll apologize and grow and be more mindful in the future but i also know some people still won't give a shit#and that's very sad.#people ask for respect about a very sensitive topic and get cruelty in response. i just don't understand it.#this event is incredible like literally it's Monumental it's so special it's so well written#and it's being received by a fandom that would rather joke about cancer and a teenager grieving the loss that cancer caused.#awesome.#these are technically leaks but i don't give a shit anymore like if that's what it takes to reduce the jokes#nagi died of a particularly horrifying form of cancer. and i just want people to be kind right now.
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Yuletide 2019 Letter
Dear Writer,
Hi! I am violia over on AO3 and viiolia here on tumblr.
I am so excited that you have been matched with me for this yearâs Yuletide. This letter is intended to expand upon the small details that I gave you on the AO3 signup. If youâd prefer to not have any more details from me, then I understand! Good luck, thank you for writing in these small fandoms, and I canât wait for the 25th!
On the other hand, if youâd like some more info from me, then please read on. What youâll find here is a list of my likes and dislikes, and then a rundown of each of my requested fandoms, in which I explain why I love the characters and fandoms that Iâve chosen, so that you may get an idea of what Iâd like to see in potential fics, without me just straight up telling you what to do.
ABOUT ME
Likes:
If thereâs only one thing that you want to remember about me, please let it be this: at the end of the day, I will love any fic if it is driven by strong, well-thought-out characters and relationships.
Happy endings! I enjoy angst and hurt/comfort, but please let there be a happy ending for all.
Snappy dialogue.
I love canon! All these canons. I also like canon divergence and post-canon fics. Â
Humour, romance, mystery, sci-fi, fantasy, drama, adventure, magical realism.
I generally enjoy fandom tropes, as long as theyâre adapted to suit the specific characters and relationship dynamics. Friends-to-lovers, or 5+1 things, are two tropes that immediately come to mind. The same goes for AUs: I love an AU if thereâs been good thought and worldbuilding put into how the specific characters and relationships would fit into a different canonical universe.
I love slash. All my requests contain characters that I love to ship together. I love smut and romance and getting-together fics and established relationship fics. But if slash really isnât your thing - I wonât mind a gen or pre-slash story either. Again, at the end of the day, if the fic is driven by strong, interesting, emotional characters and arcs, whether in relationships or not, I will be loving it!
In terms of smut, I really enjoy (again, Iâm a broken record) when itâs informed by the charactersâ emotions/dynamics/relationship at that certain point in the story. I enjoy reading more vanilla smut and more kinky smut; specific likes include praise kink, consent play/dubcon (where itâs still clear that both parties have consented to this kink), body worship, semi-public sex (preferably close calls, or without being caught), tender sex, and rough sex (not too much actual pain though). My bookmarked works on AO3 can be pretty, uh, enlightening in terms of what smut I like to read. Also, this is pedantic but I prefer the word âcomeâ rather than âcumâ.
Dislikes/DNWs:
Animal and child abuse/death.
Character death, or characters with cancer/terminal illnesses.
Unhappy endings.
Horror, zombies, cannibalism, and extreme/non-canon-typical violence.
PWP. Donât get me wrong - I love porn. But please have some plot in there!
De-aging.
Student/teacher relationships, and any circumstances/relationships/power dynamics where a main character is taking unfair or malicious advantage of another.
Rape.
Infidelity.
First person POV.
In terms of smut, Iâm really not a fan of BDSM, scat, watersports, vomit, extreme humiliation, body horror, or bestiality.
BLACKKKLANSMAN Ron Stallworth, Flip Zimmerman
This film really got me good. Everything about it struck me - the message, the characters, the plot, the cinematography, the music. I quickly fell in love with Ron and Flip and the idea of those two becoming friends (or something more).
I love Ron Stallworth for his courage and wit. I love how he approaches life and people. Heâs so open, low-key and easy to get along with. Heâs not quick to judge anyone. Perhaps this stems partly from the time he spent at college. But I truly feel that if someone were to come out to Ron Stallworth, he would never discriminate against them. Maybe heâd need some time to fully understand. Maybe heâs needed some time to fully come to terms with his own sexuality. But heâs not one to judge. And heâs so smart and such a quick-thinker. And probably a little kinky, which I love. Okay Iâll stop rambling about Ron now.
Time to ramble about Flip instead. Flip Zimmerman: the Gruff, Quiet Romantic. I love how Flip can seem so immovable, always unfazed. He and Ron are similar, in this way. But Ron is way more in touch with his emotions, whereas Flip is not so much. Or maybe he is in touch with his emotions, but he just doesnât often express them. I love that Flip needs to really trust someone before he lets them get close. Heâs not quick to judge others, either, but I think he can certainly hold some judgements about himself, and out of the both of them, Iâd say Flip would have more trouble coming to terms with his sexuality, or admitting his feelings for Ron. But oh boy - I think Flip would be fantastic in bed. Yes maâam. Mmm⊠anyway.
One thing Iâm very aware of is that being gay or exploring your sexuality was not totally fun or freeing in 1970s America. It came with a lot of serious dangers. Being outed could cost you your job, your safety, your family, and more. Writer, I would appreciate it very much if you could take this historical context into account. It directly informs whatever friendship/relationship Ron and Flip have. I would find it very difficult to feel immersed in a story about two men, one Jewish and one African-American, who are coming to terms with their feelings for one another, or entering into a romantic and/or sexual relationship with one another, or forging a close friendship with one another, if the story did not take into account the serious issues of racism and homophobia which pervade the era and setting of this film. (AKA, please donât have them sitting in a public cafe holding hands, or something else thatâs unrealistic for this time period.)
My preference for these two characters is clearly skewed towards slash. I would love to read about them forging a relationship, romantic or sexual or both. Maybe they go from friends to lovers, or they do the only fun thing there is to do in Colorado Springs and hike into the wilderness for a private moment. Or maybe theyâre in an established relationship, and navigating their lives as a closeted gay couple who both work for the police department. Or maybe you think of something else entirely; I canât wait. Alternatively, maybe youâd prefer to write gen or pre-slash instead, and in that case, please feel free. I would love reading about the growth of Ron and Flipâs friendship, or more of their time working together as police officers. Ultimately, I am just so excited to potentially receive a fic from you, for me, which I think is so special.
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE RPF Colin Jost, Michael Che
Although the first year or two they spent as hosts of Weekend Update was fairly rocky at times, Colin Jost and Michael Che have really come into their own with this segment on SNL, and the hate comments I used to see on their videos a couple of years ago have almost all changed to comments of support and appreciations of their comedy. What makes them so good at this is their dynamic. They bounce off of either other constantly on the show, and they work so well together - they have to, in this job!
Michael Che is the one true trash fire that I know and love. What is he doing? I donât know. I donât think he knows either. And I love him for it. One thing that really stands out to me about Che is how good he is at comedy, and particularly stand-up. I can tell that he seriously puts a lot of thought and effort into his delivery. He makes it sound so effortless and off the top of his head, but in reality he is practiced and professional and knows his craft. His humour often comments on big issues like racism and gender, and I personally really enjoy this commentary-style comedy, where you can poke fun at everyone but also have a serious message to convey as well. Personality-wise, I love how Che is a selective over-thinker. He can be so overly conscious of some things, and so oblivious and apathetic about others. I think he might struggle, or has previously struggled with his sexuality; but I also think Colin makes him weak at the knees, and Che finds himself simultaneously wanting to take Colin on a date, and fuck him into the mattress, and run away and hide in another country, and fall asleep for three years, all at once.
Colinâs humour is more silly and less âcontroversialâ than Cheâs. I donât enjoy it less, just differently. Colin definitely has his life more together than Che does - or at least, is great at acting like heâs got his life together. I love that Colin is easygoing and quietly calm and confident, but beneath that, I think he struggles with some overthinking tendencies too. And sometimes he really doesnât feel confident at all. I think heâs pretty in touch with his emotions, but when it comes to expressing them, sometimes he might just need a moment to get the right words. Especially if heâs nervous. But I love that Colin really likes Che. He finds Che so hilarious (and vice versa, of course). I love how Che can always make Colin laugh out loud, or do his cute little smile thatâs a twist of his lips. I love that they can bounce off each other in progressing a joke to the point where it seems like theyâre the only two people in the room.
Truly, I think theyâre both trash fires in their own ways. I think itâs a minor miracle if they get together, because theyâre both second-guessing themselves at some point, and they both treasure their friendship so incredibly much. But thatâs why I love them so much - because of how closely tied together they are. They truly value each other in their lives. They are best friends and close confidants and theyâve gone through a lot together.
I love reading about Colin and Che and their lives working at SNL. The work week is incredibly hectic at that show - even more so now that Colin and Che are head writers, as well as managing and appearing in their own segment. I find the whole cast of SNL fascinating and hilarious, and I think a lot of people romanticise what it might be like to work in such a demanding job with such a close-knit community of people. I think who they are at this point in time is tied very closely with their jobs, especially because they work together. If youâre writing a story or some scenes that take place at SNL, I donât mind if you include other SNL cast members in passing interactions, for the sake of verisimilitude.
Writer, I would love it if you could just pretend that Colin Jost is not engaged to Scarlett Johansson. Or if thereâs another way you want to deal with that, then go for it. Please just heed my DNWs: no infidelity, and no unhappy endings. Other than that, Iâm so excited about any story you have about these two guys. I clearly ship them together; Iâd love to see some aspect of their relationship, maybe getting together or in an established relationship, maybe during the SNL season or something they get up to during their summer holidays. If youâre more of a gen or pre-slash writer, I totally understand - just their dynamic as it is now, as friends who bounce off one another and get on each othersâ nerves but ultimately understand each other on a deeper level than anyone else around them, is so interesting and entertaining for me to watch and Iâd love to read more of it.
Side note: Colin and Che did an advertisement for Red Nose Day on the Weekend Update desk in which Kate McKinnon, in an old-lady character that I think embodies all of fandom, lobbies for them to kiss. Colin kisses Che on the cheek, but Che was totally ready for a peck on the lips. THIS VIDEO IS MAYBE POSSIBLY REQUIRED VIEWING FOR THESE CHARACTERS. Search their names + Red Nose Day on Youtube to find it; requires a VPN if youâre not based in the USA.
LEGALLY BLONDE Elle Woods, Vivian Kensington
I have two words for you. LAWYER WIVES. Or law student wives. Thatâs more than two words, but you get the idea.
A couple of months ago, I rewatched Legally Blonde for the first time in many years. My biggest takeaway from this viewing? ELLE AND VIVIAN NEED TO DITCH THOSE GROSS GUYS AND JUST GET TOGETHER INSTEAD. Seriously! Warner is a sexist and self-absorbed asshole. Both Elle and Vivian deserve so much better⊠aka, each other.
The biggest thing I love about Elle Woods is her positive and caring attitude. She rarely lets things get her down, nor does she fall into self-pity. And Vivian Kensington just screams smol baby gay to me and I adore her for it. Please can someone (Elle) walk into Vivianâs life and pull her out of the humdrum of repetitive, lame, often orgasm-less intercourses with self-absorbed men and into the beautiful world of women pleasuring other women one, two, three times over. But also I do love how Vivian puts on a strong, confident face and is so dedicated to her studies and career but you can tell, beneath all that, sheâs still figuring all this stuff out.
I think Vivian can learn a lot from Elle about how to let go, have fun, and most of all, how to be more considerate of others; I think Elle can learn a lot from Vivian about discipline, duty, responsibility, and the more realistic/gritty aspects of being a lawyer. I think that together, these two women could balance each other out incredibly well. They could learn and grow together and support each other.
I think Elleâs naĂŻvetĂ© could sometimes get annoying, especially to someone like Vivian, who is incredibly knowledgeable, realistic and down-to-earth. But thatâs not to say that Elle is not those things as well. And in fact, I think Vivian can be quite naive herself when it comes to emotions and relationships; this is an area sheâs not totally confident in. Itâs pretty clear that Vivianâs internalised some sexist and misogynistic attitudes (see: slut-shaming Elle when she was sexually harassed by Callahan). I think Vivianâs jump to conclusions here can also be attributed to her tendency to act first, and ask questions later; sheâs quicker to judge others than Elle is.
I hope this whole bunch of random thoughts I have about these characters gives you some idea of why I love them so much. What Iâve written here leans more towards femslash; but please know that, if you prefer to write gen, I would of course gladly accept any gen fic that you gift me. Because itâll be from you, to me! And that is something so special and exciting. At the end of the day, I just want to read about these two characters growing closer together, whether that be in a friendship or relationship.
Note: if you want to include Emmett and/or Warner in some capacity, I donât mind, just as long as the main focus of the story is on Elle and Vivian. Tbh I think Elle and Emmett would be awesome best friends.
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[VKM Spec] Ridiculing VKM 18
As expected, Hinoâs obsession with dreary funerals continues.
Obligatory disclaimer for my anti-fans: This post is zeki criticism, vkm criticism, hino criticism, and anti ky. Please blacklist those tags accordingly.
Scanlations can be found in the usual places.
The Good
Gotta give credit where credit is due!
Hallelujah! Kaien Cross bites the dust (literally) at last! Praise the heavens! At last, one of the cancers of this story has been eradicated! Screw you, Hino, for trying to make him more than oozing pustule he was. (And LOL @ that guy facepalming in front of his coffin, who the hell is that anyway, I want his autograph? XD)
Kaienâs melodramatic âwoe is me, what a shitty way to dieâ and then his pathetic âoh a girl is finally crying for me after all this time!â dramatics were hilarious. Like...how sad of a person are you that youâre relieved any girl is crying for you at your death?
Ren is a girl. I repeat: Ren is a girl. At last we can put to bed all that nonsense.
Ren is null!Zeroâs and Yuukiâs child. I repeat: Ren is null!Zeroâs and Yuukiâs child. Farewell, fantasies of test tube babies and clones and in vitro. Not only that, Ren was clearly conceived in the usual fashion of conceptions, not via any Zeusian head-births or immaculate conceptions.Â
Null!Zero lived to raise Ren. I repeat: null!Zero lived to raise Ren. At least the ânull!Zero canât have anything Kaname doesnât getâ rule no longer applies.Â
Kaname is too much of a chicken to look at the photo album of a man who worshipped him. Methinks nu!Kaname has received some intimations about how much of a shithead he was in the past. Makes me think better of him.
Kaname is actually interested in someone from the past who isnât Yuuki and what that person might think of him. Also that he actually genuinely seems interested in finding out how much Ai suffered from Kaienâs loss and is trying to empathize for the first time in his life.Â
Ai finally showed up for a funeral. âBout time, since she didnât even bother to show up for Yoriâs.Â
The little girl the Prince was living with is not the mayorâs daughter, thank god.Â
The mad scientist got a stylish cameo!Â
And thatâs about it!
The Bad
Perhaps I should rename this section to âThe Stupidâ? Iâll have to consider it.
Hino forgetting her own lore and that pureblood blood can cure wounds and illnesses--see Shizuka with Ichiru. Ai was right next to Kaien--she didnât need to offer him vamprism, she could have just fed him her blood. For him to die in such a stupid fashion, despite how great it is, is positively mind boggling given the established vampire lore in this story.Â
Hino retroactively trying to act like Kaien meant something to these characters when heâd routinely fucked them over in order to rescue his precious Kaname.Â
Yuuki boo-hooing over Kaien dying when she didnât bother to spend any time with him during the 100 years of life she had to enjoy his company.
Kanameâs unexplained âcurseâ on Touma that came out of the clear blue nowhere with no foreshadowing or set up in order to âjustifyâ Toumaâs insane behavior. Hinoâs just phoning it in at this point.Â
Touma is the Prince, snooze. Boring and obvious and a narrative dud.Â
The âMayorâ is useless and already under arrest, and why the hell does anyone even still care about him?
Kaienâs funeral was a joke and got more panels than Yoriâs, which is ridiculous.
The timeline is fucked. Ai was acting last chapter like a bunch of time had passed between the mad scientist kidnapping and the Ren pregnancy being discovered, yet the little girl is still the same age. Either sheâs a vampire or Hino has no clue what the timeline is.
Instead of talking about how excited they are to meet Ren, Yuuki spends most of her pregnancy screentime rehashing bullshit about Aiâs childhood with Ai. We already spent 6 chapters on Aiâs childhood Hino, you might want to give us some time to enjoy Ren for once yeah?Â
Yuuki whining about Kaien and Yori not being there is a complete joke. Bitch, please, you waiting seventy years to get in bed with your side piece is the reason theyâre not there with you now. You have no right to complain because this is your own fault. You squandered the time you had with your precious people.
Null!Zeroâs apparently barely there as a father figure since Hino didnât care to show him in more than one panel with his child.Â
The Ugly
All of the ugly this chapter was packed in at the end, appropriately.
Hino just completely excised null!Zero from the family. In the montage of raising Ai images, Zero doesnât even get a panel with Ai or Yuuki--heâs separated in his own itty bitty panel as if heâs still an outsider in his own family.
No sex scene, no waiting for the baby scene, no naming Ren scene for Zeki. Thatâs a pretty low blow to make us wait all that time and then skip over everything, Hino. Fuck you, too.
Zeroâs and Aiâs little argument at the end would be cute if weâd actually gotten some fucking answers as to why Zeki didnât get together for an entire human lifetime, but no, Hino doesnât care to tell us why, we can just make the answer up for ourselves!
Whether Hino intends to âmake goodâ on this implication or not (and my bet, given how gross Ai and Ren act in the future, is that sheâll make good on it), it is utterly reprehensible that Hino made Ai have a sexual attraction to a fucking innocent baby. We all know the VK/VKM world has established that vampiric hunger the way Ai experiences it in VKM 18 is sexual in nature. Hino trying to act like itâs cute there at the end is not ever acceptable. It was not even remotely acceptable when Kaname did it, and itâs not at all acceptable now just because the girls are sisters. Just like slapping Aidou, child grooming is not appropriate or laudable behavior. Ai having a sexual interest in her baby sister is not okay.
And last, but certainly not least, null!Zero and Yuuki approving Aiâs interactions with Ren without having any concerns is deeply disturbing to me. Hino trying to play this off as a cute and normal happy family is even more troubling. Iâm very concerned about how this all is going to play out in the future.Â
General Aside
@vampireknightmeta brought up a few ways in which Hino might be able to salvage the story as it is now in our private conversations, but I will leave any public speculation on future positive developments to her should she choose to share them with the fandom at large.Â
At this point in time, I myself have no interest in speculating about potential positive narrative developments because Hino has shown time and time again that sheâs happy to sink lower than even the lowest bar I set for her. Iâd rather be happily surprised by Hino saving this story on her own and just laugh at her bumbling in the meantime rather than investing my heart into trying to uncover the âsecretsâ of the story of a repugnant and morally bankrupt failure of a writer. From now on, Iâll only be speculating about worst case scenarios, the worst I can possibly imagine, and maybe Hino will do even worse than that just to prove to me that thereâs no low sheâs above sinking to.Â
As such, if youâre looking for positive theorizing, you wonât find it here until I see some significant improvement in this sorry excuse for a story. Please look elsewhere for your hit of âpositivity.âÂ
Crackpot Theory Corner
Canât end this debacle without some crackpot theories. Hereâs what could happen that could make this story sink even lower than it has already sunk!
Null!Zero might actually get suspicious of Aiâs âattentionsâ to Ren, but heâs going to die before he can stop anything. =P Null!Zero does still seem to have some fatherly instincts.
Null!Zero is up next for being killed, probably next volume. Weâll probably have a funeral or two every volume, because thatâs totally what everyoneâs reading for!
In the chapter where null!Zero dies, weâll have Ren dying in the future while protecting Ai or Kaname! Gotta kill off dem pesky Kiryuus!
When Yuuki meant âshort time after Zeroâ when he died in VKM 4, what she meant to say was ânull!Zero died 20 years after I screwed him and I put myself to bed for 900 more.â Hence, âshort time.â Timeâs relative, doncha know.
After Ren dies, Kaname and Ai will mourn, then resurrect Yuuki to ease their sorrow and the Kurans will live happily ever after.Â
Yuuki never intended to marry Zero, and thatâs why she let Yori die before getting together with him officially so Yori wouldnât have to know Yuuki loved Kaname and not Zero (why, only Hino knows). The wedding Yori and Aidou were waiting for will happen after theyâre long dead with Kaname and Yuuki instead.Â
The baby from Yuukiâs dream is her second kid with Kaname, a boy who sheâll name Zero. Ai will imprint on her new brother and the horror will start all over again with a new generation, this time blessedly free of Kiryuus, who are all dead.
Oh, and the Vampire King will never be found, because who cares. ;)
Until next time, see you later!
#vampire knight#vampire knight memories#vkm spec#vkm speculation#zeki criticism#anti ky#hino criticism#vkm criticism#vkm chapter review
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It completely boggles the mind to see that so many of you assholes have not grown up. Like the Teen Wolf fandom is fucking Neverland and shipping Sterek  lets you stay immature babies forever and employ ZERO critical thinking. It is 20-fucking-17 and youâre still whining about Tyler Posey rightfully calling Sterek âbizarreâ as if he personally broke into your home and murdered your family instead of just having the audacity to voice an honest opinion formed after Sterek shippers harassed him for years. After all the hard work he and others put into the show was ignored because people would rather obsess about a nonexistent relationship between two supporting characters. After he received death threats, after his poor mother was sent hate while she was dying of cancer. After he, the star of the show, was sidelined constantly in favor of Stiles and Derek to the point where he was made to feel like he didnât matter, an opinion you all repeatedly and vocally reaffirmed with the kind of vitriol you just coincidentally never see about white characters. After he and his friends and coworkers were harassed and demeaned, after his best friend Dylan OâBrien was forced to deal with the most invasive, uncomfortable, disrespectful bullshit by people with no fucking boundaries who wanted his sixteen year old character to hook up with a 24 year old man he wasnât even friends with and couldnât believe they had to take no for an answer, because they deluded themselves into thinking that two seconds of eye contact during a dialogue and certain shirt colors were secretly the writersâ way of building towards the gay romance of the century.
Meanwhile Tyler Hoechlin calls Sterek âdisrespectfulâ and no one bats an eye or holds it against him years down the line: Dylan OâBrien shows us all his casual biphobia by saying that Stiles could never like guys because he likes girls and you all put on your tin hats and claim that heâs being forced to say that by PR. But Tyler Posey not inviting abuse a second time by trying to placatingly answer one more fan question about Sterek couldnât possibly be a PR move, right, right.
And you know what? The public fervor you ship Sterek with is disrespectful, because instead of appreciating Tyler Hoechlinâs character, his canon relationships and the work that was put into his redemption and development, you all want to stay stuck in your own alternate reality of 2012 where Derek Hale abuses teenagers and digs his own grave right to rock bottom and you pretend like heâs in the right because he growled threats at Stiles and itâs your favorite hot yaoiz malexmale donât like donât read otp!!!!
Having a negative opinion about a crack ship (after repeated and ongoing negative interactions with it) isnât homophobia just because it happens to be slash. Tyler Posey and his fellow actors have been able to good-naturedly joke about (and even support) ships like Scisaac and Sciles. The difference being that those ships a) are between characters that actually like each other and have meaningful relationships, b) donât involve an adult and a minor, and c) didnât eclipse every other aspect of their work on the show. But you all want to clutch your pearls and wave your flags for Sterek long after the point where it became obvious that it was a toxic, misguided hill to die on.Â
This show has made a lot of mistakes on its own, but sometimes I wonder the direction it couldâve gone in if the fandom obsession with Stiles/Sterek didnât convince TPTB to twist the marketing and skew the writing to try and boost views. When Crystal Reed was forced to smile and talk about Stiles/Deucalion, of all things, on television, in order to seem hip with fandom that got #KillAllison trending, I really fucking wonder what we couldâve gotten instead if you had all managed to be normal.
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For your reading pleasure, a selection of awful fucking quotes from CCâs latest *~masterpiece~*. Thatâs right, I read all 407 pages so you donât have to! Unless you too are a complete masochist, in which case go nuts.
This is image heavy, fair warning. Some names have been slightly altered to protect the crazies who would read this and cry.
Audiences found the showâs campiness to be rather charming, its unique underdog spirit resonated with them, and a global phenomenon was born. Nice description of Glee there. Very original. Good work.
Pitying looks were cast upon the unfortunate souls without seats, as if they were third-class passengers on the Titanic. The death of 1500 people in the worst maritime disaster in history is not a funny or clever simile.
Luckily for him, these days Cash had a little help to take the edge off. He reached into his pocket and pulled out three large pills and two marijuana gummy bears. This is how the main character treats his anxiety. He takes this combo with whiskey. This apparently makes him âcompletely numbâ.Â
He thought it was funny how there was hydrocodone, weed, and alcohol flowing through his veins at a work event but he wasnât the biggest douchebag onstage. Except he really, really is. Funnily enough people on drugs arenât the best judge of character.
If he responded with something they didnât like, his social media would be bombarded with pictures, videos, and GIFs of decapitated animals, human feces, and militants destroying priceless artifacts.
âOlĂĄ, fucktards,â Davi saidâhis use of American slang was a work in progress. What. This character is brazilian, and he swears constantly. Those are his only character traits.
âThatâs incredible, Huda,â Mo said. âIf only diplomacy worked as efficiently as a fandom, there would never be war again.â Iâm fucking dying.
âYoung lady,â the psychologist said. âI have studied the human mind for more than four decades. I understand the appeal of joining the transgender community, but I promise you, the transgender movement is nothing short of a trend for nonconformists. In fact, it is still considered a mental illness by the World Health Organization.â Sorry, what appeal? What even is this nonsense? Why does it go on for five pages? Why the need to unnecessarily torture the trans character with this when it makes no difference to his storyline? Why?
Mo had suffered from OID (overactive imagination disorder) since childhood. The condition wasnât officially recognized by the United States Department of Health (because Mo had made it up) but the disorder was just as taxing and consuming as any. From the entire community of people with mental illness: Fuck you CC. Fuck you for this awful, awful thing. Kindly go fuck yourself for pretending you have any understanding of what a mental illness is like to live with. Ugh.
A very good-looking man in his early twenties. He wore thick sunglasses, a black leather jacket, dark jeans, and designer boots. Yes, this is how âCashâ is described. Heâs also been previously described as a total mess who hasnât showered in days, so Iâm not totally convinced itâs accurate.
âIâm T0pher C0llins. It is such a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Carter.â T0pher C0llins? Are you fucking shitting me?
âI walked into my bedroom and saw Peaches had taken a huge dump in the middle of my bed, so I had to clean it up and put my comforter in the washer.â This is said by the only girl in the group, in front of âCashâ, who she idolises. Because girls are just stupid fucking blabbermouths right?
â-itâs getting asked advice on how to break into the industry from the guy taking a dump in the stall next to youâ Oh look, another thing that has never, ever happened.
âYou gotta say that shit so no one labels you as a future has-beenâthatâll kill a career. Even if itâs obvious youâll never do anything but the show youâre on, you canât admit it.â The first honest and realistic thing in this book, and it only took till chapter seven!
âEvery time I get any recognition he writes me into a coma or puts me through something horrendous as punishment. After I was on the cover of TV Guide, he put a dangerous stunt into a script and it broke my ankle. After I won a Peopleâs Choice Award, he put my character in a coma for twelve episodes. The list goes on.â I wonder how Ryan Murphy will react when he hears about this character who is so clearly him?
âNothing is stranger than fanfiction,â Cash said, like a sailor recalling his encounter with a horrible sea creature. THIS ENTIRE BOOK IS REAL LIFE FANFICTION YOU HYPOCRITICAL ASSHOLE.
âHeâs a little jaded, Iâll give you thatâbut after all the joy heâs given us over the years, the least we can do is let him be a human being. â Yes, let the straight white cis male tell you all how to think, feel, and act. Your hero isnât a douche, heâs misunderstood. Let him treat you like shit because who else gets that experience?
The worldâs biggest rubber-band ball bounced into the horizon like a deer recently freed from captivity. Chapter nine: âCashâ destroys a national landmark for shits and giggles.
The actor excitedly passed out tickets to Topher, Joey, Sam, and the Sacagawea statueâmistaking it for Mo. Heâs also a racist. Are we surprised?
Why is he dancing like an epileptic on roller skates? Aaaaand a joke about epilepsy. Iâm sure Hannah loves it.
âWhat did you do? How did you get over it?â Joey said. âOne day I woke up and decided I had had enough.â âCashâ cures his crippling agoraphobia by just going outside. Again, fuck you CC. That is not how mental illness works. Do two seconds of research for fucks sake.
âThe night we were all watching the season six finale of Wiz Kids at Joeyâs house, I was actually supposed to be watching Billy while my mom was at a Bunco party. I gave him some cold medicine so he would sleep and ran home to check on him every commercial break.â Drug your disabled siblings, your friends will think youâre cool and laugh about instead of telling you  that youâre an awful fucking person. Which you are.
âThen one day, as I was posting a GIF of a decapitated giraffe on her profile, I learned WizKidLiz01 was a little girl with Down syndrome.â Also on the list of things that make you an awful fucking person⊠plagiarism or no, donât do this shit.
âSo whatâs your real name?â Topher asked. âNow, that youâre not going to believe,â Cash said. âItâs Tom Hanks.â
âThey were the most eccentric group of stoners Cash had ever seen and he couldnât take his eyes off them, like they were the subjects of a fascinating nature documentary.â One character is literally screaming her head off with paranoia and scratching invisible bugs in her skin, but hey, watching teenagers on a drug trip is so interesting!
âI think youâre giving him too much credit,â Cash said. âHeâll be long gone by then.â Oh yeah, âCashâ is extremely preoccupied with death. He frequently says shit like this alluding to it. No-one notices.
âBecause if you donât, Iâm going to tell the fangirls about the treatment weâve received today and unleash them upon your establishment like a plague of locusts! Theyâll harass you, humiliate you, and chase your wrinkled, old, racist ass into hiding for the rest of your miserable existence! Do I make myself clear?â Um⊠what? Why would you even?
âOf course the brakes worked, I was just fucking with you,â Cash said. âCashâ continues to be the absolute worst by making someone think sheâs going to die. Of course, she somehow she also doesnât know that James Dean died in a car accident. Sigh.
âBut I think weâd know it if he was mentally unbalanced or an addict of some kind.â YOU ARE EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD AND YOU ARE A COMPLETE IDIOT. YOU LITERALLY JUST DESCRIBED âCASHâ.
âYou lose the right to humanity when you become famous. Itâs just the way it is, but Iâm not going to whine about it.â Except in this entire book.
âIâm transgender!â Sam declared. âI know what itâs like to have everyone treat you like something youâre not because people have been doing it to me my whole life. Iâve never met someone who could relateâbut itâs like everything you just said! Weâre both trapped! Weâre both prisoners of unfair expectations!â These! things! are! not! comparable! Mostly because âCashâ could leave that life any time, Sam wonât ever stop having to deal with being trans. Shut the fuck up CC. Sam then spends waaaay too much time explaining gender and sexual identity to âCashâ because heâs a complete moron.
Darla spoke with the energy and enthusiasm of a camp counselor on crystal meth. How is this joke in any way appropriate when the main character is clearly a raging drug addict? Heâs literally constantly tweaking.
The others stared at Cash in disbelief. It was like a demon living inside of him had taken the reins. Watch as these people weâre supposed to believe all got into prestigious colleges like Colombia and MIT completely fail to recognise the signs of an addict going through withdrawal.
They had never in their lives felt more exposed, more violated, or more gutted. It was as if someone had ripped off all their clothes and chucked their hearts into the depths of the Grand Canyon. âCashâ is so self-obsessed and full of self-pity he decides to out two people in the group and tell another sheâs wasting her life just to make them all feel as awful as he does. What a delightful person huh?
âJoey, I have always wanted a gay best friend. Iâm not mad because you hid your orientation from me; Iâm just upset because of all the Will & Grace opportunities weâve missed out on.â ARE YOU SHITTING ME?
He was staring at Topher with a weak smile and his eyes were opened just barely enough to see. He clearly knew who Topher was, but Topher couldnât place him.
âI have glioblastoma,â Cash said. âThatâs a fancy stage name for brain cancer.â
I was fine and could easily hide this until a few days ago, but now Iâm so weak and frail you donât even recognise me. Usually Glioblastoma on the brain stem causes symptoms like seizures, confusion, paralysis, vomiting, dizziness, and loss of basic functions, but Iâm a special snowflake and get to stay able-bodied and cognisant until the end!
âIn April I started getting these really bad migraines,â Cash explained. âA doctor came to the set and recommended I get a scan. We were behind in production so the producers wouldnât give me time off to get it done.â Itâs all Hollywoodâs fault heâs dying! Not his for not getting any fucking treatment. And actors can and do take days off for health reasons, that shit is totally allowed.
âHoly shit,â Topher said. âThese are all mine.⊠Youâve saved every letter I ever wrote to you.âŠâ Thatâs not totally fucking creepy at all, âCashâ.
âHeâs not a bad personâheâs got brain cancer! Thatâs why heâs been behaving the way he has!â That makes everything okay! Except not really. Cancer doesnât give you a free pass to be an asshole. You arenât making the most of what life you have left, youâre just being a shithead.
âThe actor had had so little control over his life, but his death was exactly how he wanted it to be.â Yes, he dies five days later. No-one wondered about his odd behaviour or suspected he might be sick until they visited him in a hospice. These people must be so stupid they can barely function for this to make sense. Heâs been dying for months and nobody at all noticed? Bullshit.
âOh gosh, Iâm so nervous to hear how it went! I practically feel like I came out as transgender, too!â NO MORE.
âNot to be a downer, but did anyone watch the footage from Cashâs funeral today?â Mo asked. âWhy did they wait a whole month to have it?â Topher asked. âBecause it was sponsored by Canon and their new camera comes out this week,â Mo said.
I donât think companies generally sponsor funerals? Letâs just hope it wasnât an open casket, that shit would be nasty after a month.
âFuck off, Iâm banging Marilyn Monroe.â No, god no. Please no. Just end this thing now please.
The aspiring writer felt like she and her friends were living a ridiculous happy ending straight from the final page of one of her outlandish stories. UhâŠ
And a bonus from the authorâs note:
However, for the purpose of good storytelling, the charactersâ opinions and choices are sometimes flawed. Please do not view their actions as generalizations or examples to follow, but as the mistakes and triumphs of individuals. All of my characters were awful and/or treated like shit by everyone else, but thatâs for the sake of the story. Itâs not my fault if you act this way and everyone hates you! (And still love me please god Iâm so alone...)
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