#and it's also the uncertainty bc i don't know everything that's wrong with me

[thatwitchrevan]

I was talking with my brother recently about our characters and how we're both super into writing (un)dead and monstrous characters that decay/gradually become more monstrous and how a lot of that interest stems directly from being disabled. Being mentally ill, chronically ill, physically disabled, feeling yourself get worse, your body and mind being out of your control, having to cope with different pains and find different ways to exist day to day. It's no wonder that people like us feel kinship with zombies or werewolves or vampires. And it's not a new observation. But it's just something I've been thinking about cause I've both been very sick lately and missing writing. And I love my monster characters.

[ashen-char]

take my pure 🔞

ship: max fox (better things) x gender neutral reader (reader has a penis bc of the g!p request but i kept it gn bc the other request used "they")

warnings: explicit smut, losing virginity, reader has a penis

summary: max is more than happy to be your first - to ensure that your first time is perfect, to show you how good it can be.

word count: 3700+

notes: knocking out a few requests with this one. g!p request here, and requests for reader's first time w max here and here. g!p won the poll so i hope to write things like this more often for you guys! ALSO written as a happy bday gift to my 100th follower <3

Max has done her best to be patient with you. Respectful of the fact that, yknow, you're inexperienced. That you want to take things slow. You're not the type to rush into stuff headfirst like Max is. You know she's done more, that she wants you. It's kinda sweet how she asks you if you're OK even if you're doing something as simple as making out, just because she doesn't want to scare you off. 

"Hey, babe?" Max asks you one day, while you two are cuddling on her bed. Her hands stroke at your stomach, fingers slightly grazing down and playing with the waistband of your boxers. "I was thinking, like... what's the farthest you've ever gone with someone?"

Your eyes widen with the question since it seemed so out of the blue. Then again, Max always said what was on her mind, be that normal or not. "Uh, well, we've made out a bunch, obviously," you tell her.

"Right." The way she pauses lets you know that Max wants you to keep going, that you haven't answered what she wants to hear.

You keep your eyes on Max's, watching if she's at all uncomfortable or jealous with the answer. You want to be honest, but not make her upset. "Besides that, I guess me and my last girlfriend... touched a little. Like, under the bra. She tried to cop a feel of my junk once, but I shut that down." You frown at the memory. The rest of that hang-out was awkward, and you felt bad, but you weren't ready. You don't regret standing your ground though.

"Just under the bra, huh? That's it?" she teases. It's like Max knew you were getting in your head, because one of her hands comes up and cups your face. You lean into it. Turn your head and press a kiss to her palm.

Your arm goes to pull Max in, wanting her closer. She relaxes you. You've never really had that before. Past relationships were all filled with nerves and uncertainty. Max makes everything feel obvious, especially with how confident she is, even when she messes up.

"I kinda regretted moving away back then. Like, it felt good," you admit. "But no one else had ever touched it but me, so I was a little too nervous to go further." That moment didn't feel right. Now you know that it was because your ex was the wrong girl. She wasn't as awesome and right for you as Max.

Max giggles softly, pressing against you and letting you pull her against you. "Not lame at all, babe," she assures, her hand moving lower, tracing patterns on your abdomen. You resist the urge to flex, knowing she'll tease you for trying to impress her. You can't help how nervous she still makes you. How cool you want her to think you are. "It's... cute, actually. Makes me feel special, you know? That I'll get to be your first."

First. It used to be a daunting thought. Exes pushing you, saying it wasn't a big deal, telling you how excited they were to eventually take it. Like your body was something fun for them to experience. But not Max. She likes the thought because it proves how much you, the person not the body, trusts her. You think it might be fun, with Max. Because of Max. It makes you want to push through those nerves.

She looks up at you. You recognise that look in her eyes, how they sparkle with mischief. "...what's going on in that pretty head of yours?" you ask, wary but playful in tone. You poke her cheek and laugh when that makes Max laugh as well.

"You've never gone under my bra," she says.

The thought of Max's... well. You flush at the thought, the image of it, like your brain's stopping you from even thinking of her chest. Bare. Would her, uh, you know, be as pink and tender as her lips?

You really need to get over it. They're just words. You've seen Max's breasts before - seen them when she'd tease you by sending you nudes, or the couple of times she's changed in front of you because "she really doesn't care, just stay" in Max's words. You never really let yourself look, so sure that you'd stare and pop a boner or something. And pictures don't do them justice.

Max gives you little time to prepare. With two hands, she takes hold of yours, and, with a gentle tug, brings your hand under her shirt. "Go up when you feel ready," she says. Her eyes are fixed on yours, but she closes them when she leans in and sweetly gives you a kiss. It's then when you let your fingers splay open, reaching up, releasing a shaky breath when you feel it. Soft. Malleable. 

You squeeze, and she moans and, fuck, you feel the blood rushing down between your legs. This is when alarm bells would ring, telling you to move away before she feels your semi. But not with Max. Maybe it would be overkill to say you feel completely ready, but you don't feel scared at least. Spurred by your excitement and the feel of her soft tits in your hands, you begin to massage and explore, watching how Max reacts. Her shivers, her moans, her whimpers.

"Are you sure this is your first time?" she huffs out, as you're switching from one to the other. "You're too good at this."

"I- uh-" You don't know what you want to say. Nothing really. At this point, you're tenting your boxers something fierce and hoping Max doesn't tease you about it. "I'm not really doing anything. You feel good," is what you end up landing on, proud when you don't stutter too bad.

You feel her nipples pebble under your touch, how your palm grazes over it and it makes Max bite her lip and mumble out a "fuck".

When you don't freak out and let her know it's getting a bit too quick for you, her thumbs slip under the straps of her tank top. "You can take it off, if you want, babe," Max offers. You know there's no bra underneath, and you think you might die if her perfect tits were suddenly out, so you appreciate the warning.

"Honestly, I like where my hands are," you say. Admitting that peeling her tank top off would make you actually combust in your pants is too embarrassing anyways. "But I want to see you."

You watch as she strips her shirt and your heart thumps like it did the first time because she's just that gorgeous. Her pale skin is pretty. Her nipples are as pink as you imagined, but there's a tinge of red now, like they're begging to be touched. The beauty marks that pepper her upper body look like constellations, and you've spent a non-zero amount of time fantasising about kissing them. So you do. Max's breathing is getting heavy and you can feel it in how her chest rises and falls, can feel her heartbeat against your lips.

You don't know how long your face has been buried in her chest for. At least ten minutes if you had to guess. Max's perfume smells so sweet on her skin, and when you lick around her nipple like that, she squirms and grinds down on your lap. You almost can't believe you're feeling so comfortable right now. There's no instinct telling you to move away, to not let her feel your bulge. In fact, it feels so good.

"So, does that mean you're ready for third base now? Or maybe even a home run?" Her voice is teasing, but there's a hint of need behind it. Max wants you inside her and it's a thought that makes you groan.

"I think... yeah," you breathe out. "I wanna go further."

Max's eyes light up at your words. She can't believe you're giving her this, trusting her enough to let her see you, all of you. She's been dying to touch you, to explore every inch of the body that she loves being held by. She sits up, straddling you, her hands already reaching for the hem of your shirt.

"I thought you'd never ask," she teases, pulling your shirt off and tossing it aside. Her fingers trace the lines of your muscles, admiring the way your body responds to her touch. She can feel your heart pounding in your chest, can sense your nervousness. But she also sees the desire in your eyes, the want.

Her hands move to your belt, unbuckling it slowly, her eyes never leaving his. She can see you swallow hard, your chest heaving.

Max is grinning, enjoying the power she holds over you. "It'll be good. You'll love this, baby, trust me." In smooth, practised motions, she undoes the button on your jeans, then your zipper, her knuckles brushing against your hardness. She can feel you throbbing, eager for her touch.

"I do trust you," you say. With a groan, you hide your face against her, burrowing at the spot where her shoulder and neck meet.

"You're so big, babe," she whispers, her hand slipping inside your boxers, wrapping around your length. Max bites her lip, looking up at you with wide, eager eyes. She can feel your thickness in her hand, can barely wrap her fingers around it. "You're pulsing in my hand." Max sounds delighted.

"Shut up," you grit out, face probably burning red with all her teasing. It's all you can do to remember to breathe.

"Uh huh." She strokes you gently, feeling you grow even harder in her hand. Up and down the shaft, twisting at the head. You can't believe a girl is touching you. Not only that, but she's doing it in a way that you've only done to yourself in the privacy of your room, like Max knows just how you like it. "Do you like that, baby?" she asks, her voice soft and sweet. Encouraging. It makes you squirm.  "Do you like me touching you like this?"

Fuuuuck. "Ugh." Your hips jerk up, making a slick sound as you fuck up into her hand. "Yes."

After a while, when you're fully hard, Max starts making her way down. She kisses her way down your neck, your chest, lips exploring your body as her hands continue their tantalisingly slow up and down. She can feel you tense beneath her touch, but you don't stop her. "What are you-?"

"Shhh, baby. I just want to do something for you. It'll feel even better. Pinky promise."

She reaches your waistband, her fingers hooking into the top of your boxers. She looks up at you, checking in, making sure you're still okay with this. You nod. The sight of Max on her knees in front of you is fucking wow and the thought of saying no doesn't even cross your mind. Not like this. Not when your breath coming in short gasps and you just want her mouth around you.

"OK. Thank you for trusting me, baby," she whispers.

Your hands... you don't know what you're doing with them, don't know what to do at a time like this. It's not like you came over expecting to get blown today, so you didn't exactly look up the best etiquette for this. On her head seems like a safe option but also so lewd that you can't bring yourself too. "Of course," you say. "I love you. I-I trust you."

She smiles, leaning down and pressing a soft kiss to your stomach. "I love you too."

A deep breath in. You can do this. Max says you'll love it, and God, if you haven't imagined her mouth on you hundreds of times. She tugs your boxers down, freeing your erection. She says something to the effect of "oh, hello!" when it pops out, smacking you in the stomach cause you're just that fucking hard right now.

Max gasps when she finally sees it, her eyes widening in shock and awe. "Oh my god, baby," she breathes, her hand wrapping around the base, her thumb and middle finger not even able to meet. "If you told me you were packing all this, I might have done this sooner."

"Max..."

"I know, I know." Max laughs. She can see you blushing, can see the vulnerability in your eyes. Max smiles, running her finger along your length, feeling you shiver beneath her touch. "You're doing good," she tells you, then licks her lips. "Now can I taste it, baby?" she asks, her voice soft and pleading. "Please?"

When you nod your consent, Max leans down, her tongue flicking out to lick the tip of your cock. She hears you gasp, sees your hips jerk slightly. When she's taking you into her mouth, just the head at first, you wonder if you've ever felt anything so good. It's warm. Crazy intense. Your hands stay on the bed, clutching at the covers, fisting it so you don't do something stupid like scream or cum right there and then.

She sucks gently, her tongue swirling around you.

"Aa-ah," comes the broken moan out of your mouth. Don't cum, don't cum, shit.

You're growing harder in her mouth than you even thought possible, the head hitting the soft palate at the roof of her mouth. There's too many textures, too many sensations. You cling onto the knowledge that this is Max doing this to you. For you. Whichever. Your caring, sweet, always clingy Max. You cling to the fact that she's probably loving this right now, if in a completely different way than you are, loving that you're letting her have this part of you.

She pulls off the slightest bit, just enough to speak, looking up at you. "Is this okay, baby?" she asks, her voice soft. "Do you like it?"

You nod, your eyes clamped shut. If you look down and see your dick in her mouth, there's no saying what you'll do. "Y-yes," you stammers. "It's amazing."

"Well, I'm glad, baby," she says. You can hear the smile in her voice, can feel her hands rubbing up and down your thighs to calm you down. "Tell me if this gets too much, alright? I'm gonna do a little more."

Nodding, you give her the OK.

A little more turns out to be a lot at once. Max returns to that steady rhythm, her head bobbing up and down. With the way her tongue is swirling, you might not have recognised that she's goimg each time. Until finally, you hit something, and you feel her gag slightly.

"I'm sorry, I-"

"No, no, I'm fine," Max doesn't let you finish. "I want to."

She pulls back, taking a deep breath, before trying again. Biting your lip hard, you feel how Max relaxes her throat, taking you deeper this time, her hands gripping your thighs.

You're panting at this point. She must feel you growing closer, feel your body tensing. Her hand strokes the rest of your shaft, the bit she can't get in her mouth.

"No," you get out. You want to last, you want to make sure Max enjoys this as much as you are.

Now it's Max's time to apologise. She immediately pulls off, her eyes big and apologetic. "I'm sorry, God, I should have know that was too far, babe."

Instead of letting her think she was in the wrong, you lean down to kiss her. "No, you didn't do anything wrong," you murmur, even if it's hard to speak right now. Her shoulders are tense, worried, and you rub them. "I just didn't want to cum yet," you admit. You feel ready. You feel good. And it's all Max's doing. "I think I want... I want to be inside you."

Her eyes widen. Eventually Max nods, understanding, and scoots up to lie back on the bed. She reaches behind her to unbutton her shorts, sliding them and her panties off in one smooth motion. She wiggles out of them, leaving her naked and exposed. Her pussy is wet, her nerves making her ache for you. When she spreads her legs, inviting you in, you feel your mouth go dry.

"Come here, baby," she says, patting the spot next to her. "You're going to be so good, you know?"

Nervous isn't the right word. Excitement, maybe. You don't want to fuck this up, but at the same time you know Max wouldn't bedgrudge you if you do. Maybe she'd laugh, or playfully complain, but even if you bust a load right now she'd probably rub your back and tell you that you did good.

You gulp. "I don't know how to..."

"I know, baby. That's kinda part of it." Max leans in, pressing a soft placating kiss to your lips. "No one knows how to do something the first time. All I want is for you to be comfortable, OK? We don't have to do anything you don't want to."

Nothing you don't want to. That helps.

Max takes your hand again. This time, she brings it between her legs. Lets you feel around, not judging how your fingers clumsily explore her pussy.

Knowing that you're going to put it in and feel all this, wet and warm and tight, around your cock makes your brain fry. 

"Do you feel how wet I am?" she whispers. "I'm gonna love it. Just let me guide you in. You can't mess this up."

You keep your eyes fixed on Max, letting her keep you as calm as you can be in this situation. Her hand, still unable to wrap around your girl, directs you to her entrance, replacing your fingers with your cock. Your heart is pounding in your chest as she lines herself up with your head. For the first time, you feel a woman's soft folds around the tip of your cock. An inviting heat practically begs you to take her, to shove yourself right in, and you can't help but shiver at the sensation.

"Max."

"Shh. Slow," she whispers. "Just push in slow, feel how I fit around you. Take your time."

You do as she says, pushing in slowly, her warmth enveloping you. Your body screams at you to move faster. Inch by agonising inch. Your hands let go of the sheets, reaching to grasp her, holding Max by the hips now. At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do to stop Max from sucking you until you came. But now, with half of your shaft buried inside her and Max's hand still wrapped around your base, you realise how close you still are. How bad of a decision it was to not wait until you calmed down a little, because fuck, you think you're going to blow.

Max's nails dig into your shoulder, and she takes a deep breath. Her shaky "oh God" makes you moan, clutching at her hips tighter to hold on to your sanity. Luckily, it seems like you both need some time, so no one complains when you stop about halfway inside her. Max slowly adjusts to your size, and you're adjusting to the fact that you're inside of someone for the first time and it feels like heaven.

"Do you like this, baby?" she asks, her voice breathless. "Do you like being inside me?"

"God yes," you groan out. You can barely even recognise your own voice, thick with pleasure. The tight heat, the softness, it envelops you and you can't help but bite your lip as you tell yourself over and over to not cum yet. Even without moving, her muscles are clenching around you, and it's so intense that it's overwhelming.

"OK, baby," she pants, after a while. You're calmer now. At least, you hope so. "Now you can move." 

So you do. You sink in slowly but surely, taking it all in. Once you're fully inside her, you freeze for a moment, unsure of what to do. Max, however, is not. She wraps her legs around your waist, her heels digging into your back, and begins to move her hips, grinding against you.

Max guides you, showing you how to thrust, how to set the pace, how she likes it. She likes it when you swivel your hips, but hates it when you change up the speed too much. When her hips gyrate, she wants it deeper. You're a fast learner. Every thrust makes her moan, and you're just following Max's lead. Trying not to lose yourself in it. Her soft moans are the sweetest reward.

Max wraps her legs around your waist, pulling you closer, encouraging you. 

"You're doing great," she says, her eyes locked on yours. "Just like that. Keep going."

You let out a shaky breath, your eyes locked with Max's. This is it. You're making love to the love of your life, and you can't believe how good it feels. Max's slick walls slide against you, gripping your cock with every roll of her hips. You begin to mimic her movements, use what you've learned.

Max lets out soft, needy whines, her body arching to meet your inexperienced but eager thrusts. She's taking in every inch of you, her pussy stretching and contracting around you. Her eyes roll back in her head.

"B-baby, please," she calls out, "cum for me, cum inside me. I want to feel it."

"Close. Wait for me," you groan, your body trembling.

And then, in a wave of pleasure, your body jerks. It feels like a bolt of lightning, a shock to the system. Your cock pulses deep inside of Max as you spill your seed deep within her. Max lets out a loud moan as you fill her, her body shuddering as her own orgasm washes over her. Her pussy clamps down tightly around you, milking you dry as she rides out her climax.

Together, you two lay there, panting. "Oh my God. That was amazing," you say, before laughter takes over you. Nothing's funny, but there's too much joy, too much happiness to not let out. She joins in, until you're two giggling messes cuddled up in the sheets, basking in the afterglow. She whispers sweet nothings into your hair, telling you how proud she is of you, how lucky she is that you let her experience your first with you.

[ugh-yoongi]

Congratulations on the milestone!✨✨

I wanted to request a bts headcanon! There was this one trend on tiktok last year that was like “you’re not dating but you’re not just friends either” lol so I guess like a bts in a situation type of thing? Thank you thank you! 💕

tysm!

i know exactly what trend you're talking about and i was never sure if that was supposed to be, like, an actual situationship or like that more cutesy in-between crush & dating stage so i'll try to do both.

once again tag teamed this with @hot-soop bc i have no original thoughts.

come tell me how wrong i am :)

headcanons: bts in a situationship

seokjin —

has the least situationship energy out of all of them imo. mr. domestic king of commitment probably wouldn't be able to handle the uncertainty of it, but could be convinced if the other party wasn't ready/didn't want to commit.

(let's be real, it's impossible to not be in love with him, so [rihanna voice] good luck with booking that situationship u speak of.)

thinks he's being chill and in actuality is being the least chill person alive. red ears & neck 25/8.

does the "let's just play one more round of mario kart" con until the next thing you know it's 2am and the only way you're getting home is an overpriced rideshare, so whoops, might as well stay over, what would you like for breakfast?

strikes me as the type that'd be similar in that in-between stage, too, but way more acts of service.

picnics in the park, polaroid pictures of things that remind him of you, beats that video game level you're stuck on without you even having to ask, rambles on and on about his webtoons, chill weekends spent together at home.

yoongi —

completely down for a situationship. might be made for it, actually. you don't even need to ask.

however. realizes he's Emotionally Compromised and has his "oh shit wait what the fuck" moment months in. good luck sorting that mess out!

yoongi: it is very obvious i have feelings for this person and it is very obvious where we stand with one another.

also yoongi: disappears for a week bc of work and doesn't say a word.

also also yoongi: casually shows up at 3am and wants to hang out like disappearing without a word wasn't at all weird and confusing as fuck.

also also also yoongi: has the nerve to be confused when you call it off because he doesn't seem interested.

spends the next few months overthinking literally everything and reappears with a wall of text detailing everything he likes about you.

in that more cutesy in-between: playlists, "do you wanna hear what i've been working on?", open the door please it's 1am and yoongi's outside with takeout, absolutely giddy when he gets to teach you about his interests.

hobi —

can't see him being all that different from the way he'd be in an actual relationship, tbh, which is both a blessing and a curse.

a f f e c t i o n a t e

(but is it "i like you and want to be with you" affection or "i do this with literally everyone there is no way to tell if it's something more" affection?)

king of overcommunicating! good morning texts, phone calls before bed, memes and silly pictures throughout the day.

wants to trade ootd pics. sends you one everyday even if you don't reciprocate. pouts for days if you playfully roast his fit, but sometimes he needs someone to be honest about those questionable shoes he wears.

somehow knows literally every person to exist. has a friend who works at that cool new club downtown. the gallery with that hot new exhibit. knows someone who knows someone who works with that band you can never get tickets to see.

ensures you will never want for anything while you're with him.

namjoon —

ooh boy.

quiet. a lil obsessive. observant. can definitely be jealous. the kind of guy who loves to think he's good at situationships until he's in one and realizes very quickly he's not.

has a natural urge to play games to test you then have an existential crisis about whether that makes him a bad person.

wants to have all of your attention but will not ask for it. wants intensity but questions whether that’s sustainable long term.

ghosts when he’s in his feelings but writes you long, thoughtful paragraphs when he’s drunk. "that one guy who jerked you around in college" vibes.

will break your back and your heart at the same time.

in that cute in-between: museum dates. meetups in the park in the middle of the night to stare at the stars and get all philosophical. let's go try out that new distillery and catch that new arthouse film after. does this guy even have friends? because it's been 8 years and you still haven't met them.

jimin —

fun until it isn't.

lively and sweet and easy until it isn't.

flirts with literally everyone but gets real petty and kinda mean if you do the same.

thinks he isn't good enough. wants compliments and validation. another chronic overthinker. playful banter until he takes it too seriously and needs reassurance that you do actually like him.

not a ghoster but also not good at ending things so just lets it go stale and wither away.

dates? drinking and dancing. maybe one of those sip and paints. tickets to the ballet. competition shows at his place with takeout.

cuddly and affectionate but why does he call all of his friends his soulmate?

in the in-between: loves showing you off. would probably love to do your makeup. sickeningly sweet comments on all your ig selfies. always holding your hand.

taehyung —

intense. has a tendency to get a lil self-centered and disappear in that big noggin of his.

physical rather than emotional. will blow your back out in 10 different ways before he tells you he likes you.

(and only does this at 5am when he's drunk and just spent the last half hour crying to jimin on the phone.)

insecure so he plays it carefree and silly, but, dear reader, it was not, in fact, carefree and silly.

golden hour. takes the best photos of you on film. paints you silly things and nearly cries when you actually display them. can't cook but tries making a date of cooking together anyway; cons you into paying for the takeout after it inevitably fails. record stores. red wine.

jungkook —

either a major fuckboy or the most sensitive man on the planet there is really no in between here.

either never commits or is ready to get married the second time you hang out.

no chill. someone please remind him to be normal about this.

j e a l o u s !

facetimes you in the middle of the night just because.

learns all your favorite songs on guitar. loves a photobooth; keeps the film strip in his wallet. teaches you how to play video games but gets really pouty when you wind up being better than him. diners at 2am; a milkshake with two straws. obnoxious gym selfies. pretends he doesn't want to sing your girl group songs at noraebang yet suspiciously knows all the choreography.

shy shy shy

[roosterforme]

I just want to say that I support Anna and her choices specifically bc they're ones that I wouldn't make. Like I'm always so worried about hurting other people that I rarely express myself or find myself paralyzed by decisions bc I'm too scared to make the wrong one. It's nice to see someone make mistakes and as the audience know that everything is going to be okay. This is a romance and they're the two leads, don't stress so much and relish in the fact that you don't have to be a perfect human to still deserve or earn the love of an incredible guy.

Also it seems like so much of her life up until now has been completely smothered in another man, so if she's distanced herself to feel safe, good for her, she deserves to make choices for herself! And if she caves to her desires and has sex with a man that offers her true affection and care when she's been so starved of it, good for her! She may be married, but like fleeing across the country is a good starting place for her to try and get a divorce and protections from her ex when she's ready, it seems like right now she's still terrified and also completely financially insecure and therefore unable to go through with all of that. I for one, don't feel like blaming a woman who it seems has been significantly abused and mistreated for not making the perfect and ideal decisions when she's only just barely removed herself from a horrible situation. I don't see how so many people are eager to shame Anna for not prioritizing a man in her decisions when she's finally been able to get (through difficulty and uncertainty and self-exile) a shred of agency for herself, a consequence of being able to make your own choices is making the wrong ones and I'm sure once more is explained to him, sweet Bob isn't going to begrudge her that freedom either.

Bob is a grown and fictional man, he will be okay. Does it suck that having sex with Anna didn't magically erase all of her problems and lead to a fairytale wedding immediately? Kind of, yeah, obviously everyone wants them to be happy and in love, but atp that's not realistic, it wouldn't be healthy for her to give up her reservations on a relationship just bc that's what he wants from her either. Besides, the best you can expect to get from dick is an orgasm or two, irl you have to put in work in order to change and grow, the kinds of things that make for the compelling story that we're getting here (for free)

Anyways the way that Emily is writing this is a different take on the female lead than most, her other responses have brought up the interesting point that people don't criticize male characters for doing similar things with less justification for it. Don't complain about there not being more variety in romances just turn around and complain when the variety isn't actually what you wanted. It feels really similar to the hate that I see other creators get for making an OC or reader that's curvy or POC, like fic is escapism, why are you trying to impose the narrow constraints of femininity from the real world onto someone that has the chance to be free of all that? I hope all of these commenters will be more forgiving of their own mistakes than they are with Anna's

Oops, that was a whole essay, anyways love your work, have a good weekend!

Nonny. Say it a little louder, please: you don't have to be a perfect human to still deserve or earn the love of an incredible guy.

God, this is like the best nonny ask ever.

Anna is finally making choices for herself after many years. The next few chapters will really visit her past and show what happened and why it's ongoing.

But I don't even need to add anything else, because you covered so much of how I feel. Thank you for this. Thank you for taking the time to send this to me. I hope I'm not the only one who got something out of it.

[makarovspussy-moving]

mentol iwness traumaposting ahead. cw mentions of csa (uncertainty)

going down another one of my "but was it REALLY abuse" spirals. like on one hand. can I really call it sexual abuse if it never went further than it did. acknowledging the consequences doesn't really make me feel better. there is a part of me that wants to spill my story to anyone who can listen bc I wanna be told for certain that I'm not crazy and that it was real. but it's not like I haven't told anyone and they've told me I'm Not crazy but for some reason when I hear that validation I don't feel acknowledged. I feel like a liar. like what if I'm slandering innocent people because I read shit wrong. but also idk how else to read some of the stuff they did. idk. just talking about it vaguely fills me with the need to confess everything that happened so that I can receive judgment. was it real or was I truly just that sensitive and maladapted? I can't tell anymore. I can't tell if what happened was wrong or if I'm just a skittish idiot sick on pop psych. and I know the desire for judgement is in of itself unhealthy and unhelpful but I can't imagine what I want instead. I think I just want to retreat into the shame of being the Bad Daughter who imagines abuse and disrespect bc that feels safest. that's what I'm best at.

[herdivineopulence]

the feeling of Frustration

Its 1:23am on a Sat night / Sun morning and I am feeling frustrated. I wrote and posted my first blog post on Tumblr in two years and was feeling happy about it but then was doing some research on how I can organize my blog to where I can post about different topics and put them in their own categories which lead me down a rabibit hole of not much satisfying information and a whole lot of ppl talking about other platforms for blogs like Wordpress and bluehost etc, and the thought of it made me extremely tired that I let out a huge groan. In human design, that right there is a sign for me to STOP.

As a manifesting generator with emotional - solar plexus authority, the sounds my gut makes is key for me to make the right choices and decisions. Tuning into my body and listening to how i am feel is extremely important. Decision making with our minds is not something as humans we’re really suppose to use ( per se ) but really to just process information. So for me, the sounds and feelings my gut / solar plexus makes is very important. Noises are tall tell signs of a yes or no response to a question on what choice to make.

“mmm, ooous, yesssss, uh huh” are all examples of a yes! followed by the feeling of excitement.

“mm mm, uh uh” grunts and moans followed by fatigue or frustration are all signs of a no. Uncertainty, is a no for RIGHT NOW / Not Yet. That means to wait for more clarity.

In a world where we have been programmed to do things we have no desire of doing, its kind of hard to shed all that and align to your body’s natural compass. As I write this I am extremely tired, but I also just ate lol so it could be the “itis”. But I am def feeling frustrated bc I have this vision for how I want my blog to look but I don’t know where to start or how to get it there. (Something i keep forgetting is that I don't have to worry about the "HOW" but only what i want)

I Love Tumblr but there’s things I need that I feel like I can’t do on this platform. TBH its probably bc I just don’t know how to do it yet but I kinda want my own website again, but the thought of making one has me feeling this way. Tired and not wanting to do it so I’m not LOL. Thats what inspired this post because this is something I can share here. 

I also am extremely tired of working and not having enough money to do what I want to do. I need a new car, I’m moving and I am traveling a lot this summer. I am tired of depending on outside sources other than myself for income. I’m still home living with my parents so I’m preparing to move out for the second and (hopefully) final time, and I just want to be doing something great already! Thats why I’m going to continue to post here no matter what. I have to share my knowledge. I have to share my journey and experience bc I know I’m not alone. I know as ppl in our 20 something’s we are struggling to figure it out. I am very much grateful for everything so far bc it all has gotten me to this point and I know that I am at the verge of the life I desire. A life of satisfaction. 

Thats our signature, SATISFACTION. Not being satisfied means you are doing something wrong or its time to pivot. It's called "our not-self". You have to change whatever it is you are currently doing, wait to see what shows up in your world to respond to that’s super exciting and lights you up inside. As a generator, (Manifesting generator is a generator too) you naturally have the ability to attract the things you want to yourself. Think of yourself as a vacuum, or a planet pulling things to into its orbit. Thats what the universe / God is constantly doing for you! Always presenting you with different things to see which one you respond to and makes you happy aka satisfied. We will go more into depth in my next post for those that do not know what I am talking about LOL. But long story short I am following my design. 

If you want to see how i level up my life, follow me on this journey, lets figure this out together! If you have any questions feel free to message me. I am going to start offering my knowledge to ppl personally. I am also ready to do spiritual readings and consultations. There is a few ppl in my life that I am helping with their level up and overall journey to a life of satisfaction as well. I am super confident that I now have the skills and gifts to not only elevate myself but also those around me, near and far!

Cheers to my second post!

TTYL, BESOS ;*

~ aurora

[wetcatspellcaster]

I am so curious to know the background on this! :D

“Now, sweetheart,” he commanded. “I think you should kiss me again. And if you can’t make it nice, at least make it interesting.”

So, he was leaving her to do all the work. Rosalie bit her lip, in uncertainty and in anger, as she examined him, puzzling out his motives. Was he trying to make her feel wretched, again? Forcing her to act, so she condemned herself?

She said she’d been to therapy - and she had, extensively - but there was always going to be that little pit of self doubt in her stomach, no matter what. Especially with Astarion.

It felt selfish, given how immensely she’d failed him, to turn over the other parts of their relationship like fossils for examination. But one of the cruellest parts, about never getting to see things through to end, was never knowing what they truly could’ve been - what he would’ve wanted with her, in time. She didn’t know what he liked, and what he’d pretended to like.

Hello lovely, thank you for sending the ask!

Read myself for filth, commentary one: The first two paragraphs is how a person who can't write E-rated fics tries to write D/S undertones without writing enough spice to ever actually earn those tags. Never sure if I'm successful, but my god I could be a Level 7 rogue for the amount I dance around things and evade them.

So this is one of the few times Rose gets close to a good insight check, I guess bc the DC is lower than average! Astarion was trying to humiliate her, force her to admit she wanted him, force her to act on her own initiative rather than be 'seduced', meaning that she is culpable and cannot deny that fact later on. Wouldn't make sense for him to be lying about that, in fact it serves him and his purpose to make it very, very obvious, bc that makes it all the more embarrassing for her at her end.

Astarion does love her/want her, etc (that's what he's rolling deception on lmao). But he does also want her to condemn herself, it's a game. He wants to prove he has power over her, to prove she was wrong for abandoning him, and he's also testing her. He is making her physically uncomfortable, yet she's seemingly unable to resist or leave, regardless. He is also testing to see if she falls for the trap he sets for everyone: of deciding whether she is attracted to him enough to ignore all her other morals and constraints, and will thus place herself wilfully in danger.

As to the final two paragraphs - this Tav has some absolutely rock bottom self esteem, even if in this AU timeline she's kind of too powerful for that to serve her anymore, honestly. But another thing about getting an Evil Ending with a break up is that her relationship with Astarion was: Act 1 seduction: 'I successfully romanced him, oh no it turns out it was all an act', Act 2 'I don't think we should have sex anymore, idk if we ever will again': 'oh no, everything I did before now was making him uncomfortable and I never realised', then Act 3: turbo charged sex demon tells you you're worthless. So I feel like it makes sense for her to have a lot of self doubt around sex or intimacy with Astarion, bc she doesn't have any real knowledge of what the man she knew would've wanted - they never got to unpack what parts were an act and which parts weren't, and they crucially never got their graveyard resolution scene.

She has no belief that she ever correctly understood what he wanted or needed and so yeah. She'd be scared of getting it wrong again. What if he was doing all this just to turn around and tell her that she was never what he wanted at all?

She is also just... very attracted to him :') that makes a lot of people self-conscious in these kind of situations lmao

And yeah, I think that that kind of petty, insignificant insecurity carries a lot of guilt as well. I do think she's talked about it in therapy. Your boyfriend lost his soul while you watched... why would you obsess over whether the physical intimacy was good or not? That's cringe, and way down the list of priorities. But it's also a very human insecurity and she's fallible, so unfortunately it is there.

Hope that this was in any way interesting! :)

DVD commentary ask

[arsenalgbt]

The kieran bias is real and its killing me that I have yet to find a way to sneak him into the fic I'm writing. I've managed to name Jonas Eidevall in it before Kieran which is ridiculous! I feel incredibly seen and incredibly complmented by your reply!

When they fight, they raise their voices and disrupt Ethan who begins to cry. Ben tells Willo he should probably leave and turns his back to head to him to head towards Ethan's room. Willo takes a step forward, almost like he's going to follow Ben but decides against doing so as Ben walks away. Willo isn't going to go where he's not wanted. Ben comforts Ethan and hears Willo leave and it kills him. He thought Willo would fight for them, even when things were tough he thought Willo would want them.

Ben doesn't reach out to Willo, he isn't going to chase anyone or pressure anyone into speaking to him. He didn't do it when Kalvin left him, he's not going to do it now that Willo has. Ben doesn't know if they're broken up or anything, for the briefest of self-destructive moments he considers downloading an app and finding a guy to hook up with so that he at least felt like he'd ended the relationship for certain. He told Dec about the fight but not KT because Willo's accusation had Ben re-evaluating their friendship a bit. He also didn't tell Leo because once Leo knew something, KT knew too so Ben was left with Dec to confide in. Dec was never good at advice and Ben was only slightly better at talking about his feelings than he used to be so they didn't reach any kind of solution.

Willo told Gabi about it immediately, called him from the car as he drove to Gabi's apartment. Gabi thinks Willo is right to be upset Ben didn't call him but wrong for being angry he called Kieran. Its not as though Willo didn't understand what it was like to have a best friend he leaned heavily on as Gabi was so quick to remind him. Gabi tells Willo that he needs to figure out what his issue with Kieran is and go from there. Does he genuinely believe Ben and KT are together in some capacity or is he jealous? They both know it is the latter. Willo realises that he's only jealous because he is in love with Ben in a very big "Oh' moment that leaves him more surprised than Gabi expected because surely Willo he loved Ben right?

The problem with Willo and Ben though, is they are both equally stubborn and don't want to be the first to reach out. They are also both terrified of what will happen if they do talk, both would rather exist in the weird limbo of uncertainty than talk and have things between them end. They also still work together and when Ben comes into the office, they are awkward and silent with each other all morning. Until that is, Ben goes on his smoke break and Willo follows him. Instead of apologising, he enquires about Ethan's health and he's relieved he's doing better. Willo is also relieved Ben actually answered him and Willo then asks Ben how he's been.

Ben knew he could just say that Ethan being sick was stressful and give Willo nothing else but he doesn't want to brush Willo off. He loves Willo, he wants him to ask about them and he wants to be honest. Ben says it's been shit since they fought and Willo agrees. They talk about it. They're outside the building they work and they're talking about everything and Ben realises that it's the same spot that he had his breakdown (where he insulted Willo and then cried) when Declan called Kalvin. It feels like a full circle moment and he blurts out that he loves Willo. He's so relieved when Willo says it back, Ben had never said it sober to anyone before (he'd once said it drunkenly to Kalvin) and he'd never heard anyone say it back until Willo.

To celebrate their love, Ben gives Willo a blowjob in one of the supply closets at work. It's a wonder they've not been fired yet because they've done this more than once.

fuck that man!!!!!!!! damn we all have personal beef with him lol

hell yea go on a KT stan that's not into him bc of his big cock but if u were I support u we really had the best bits of ktrossard for approximately 3 months last summer then kt got shipped to Spain damn... can't tell me this pic don't go hard!

but have you read my 2023's almost magnum opus???? the ktrossard alpha/omega au??????

now. my bennyliba...

again, it makes sense; willo being a 22 year old brain undeveloped dipping his toes in a Very Serious Relationship, and ben with his years of unserious relationships and insecurities trying his best

Ben had never said it sober to anyone before (he'd once said it drunkenly to Kalvin) and he'd never heard anyone say it back until Willo.

big gabi to the rescue that's my king!!!!!

Gabi thinks Willo is right to be upset Ben didn't call him but wrong for being angry he called Kieran.

truly so important to have a bestie/faux mentor in the form of an older man.............

dec being useless cuz he's got a pregnant husband at home cough cough we forgive you...

[intermundia]

hey ms. molly, this might be a more personal question than you're comfy answering, so please ignore if so, but in reading your fics + tumblr posts, i've found myself intensely curious as to why you don't seem to be pursuing a career in academia (correct me if i'm wrong) and how you ended up on a rural farm. i ask this also as a senior in college currently writing my history thesis (not classics) and contemplating grad school.

I don’t mind answering bc it’s important to me to be someone who can talk about uncomfortable subjects, if you want the real answer. I’m in a place in life where I’m pretty secure and don’t have to worry about hiding info from employers etc. My disability is part of who I am, and I’m trying to not be ashamed of it (but still tw: for mental health stuff).

The very short story of my twenties is that problems with my mental health, namely bipolar disorder with mostly depressive or mixed episodes, general and social anxiety, self-harm, eating disorder (bulimia), substance abuse disorder (alcoholism), PTSD from stuff that happened while manic, etc. interfered with many of my plans for career and relationships.

I am a survivor of a couple serious crises that led to me being hospitalized twice, once back in college, which is directly related to me choosing not to go into academia, and another time more recently, which led to me quitting my job and moving back out to the family farm where I spent my childhood in order to recover.

Basically, I barely survived my twenties and wasn’t able to handle the pressure and uncertainty of academic life. I tried a few different times to find the right way for me to participate in the economy and use my skills for work, but every time the effort to mask my issues was too much, and I cracked.

I am 30 now, thank god, and have found purpose and meaning in writing and making art. I’ve extricated myself from my last toxic relationship, and am healing from that. The farm is more beautiful than pictures can convey, and I’m just really lucky to have the support that I do from family.

Not everyone has that support. That’s what I saw most when I was working at the public defender’s office—mostly criminalized poverty and people being crushed beneath the gears of capitalism with no assistance. It broke my heart to not be able to help in any way other than keeping people out of jail.

I know that some of my followers are fighting serious things, and I want you to know you’re not alone in struggling. There’s nothing I can do except offer you stories and some pretty pictures, but I know that’s not nothing. It keeps me going to know it’s not nothing.

At some point I’m going to run out of money and have to stop and find a way to support myself, but for now, writing and art are my primary focuses. Part of me will always long for the person I was before everything fell apart, for the Ph.D. I always dreamed of as a child. I’ve poured that person into Classics AU. Writing has helped me let go and appreciate it for what it was.

Anyway, back to you, anon—I think academia is a wonderful life for many people, and I hope that you find your path there if it feels right ❤️

[codes-and-stuffs]

okay so i feel like i have to explain myself to any followers i may have who are expecting like lore analysis and all that because i have a wildddddddddd way of consuming content in this fandom

*clears throat*

when i first entered this fandom, there was a vast variety of different types of content that were all being created at once, and it was extremely difficult to cover all of them at once. at the time i properly got invested, i still had plenty of schoolwork and revision to do and there was uncertainty as to blah blah you get it i was only able to pick certain streams. now, there were two main choices here:

1) watch the streams that were counted as 'lore streams', which mostly were decided by how important the fandom found them as the term had not been coined yet, or

2) watch the streams i found particularly interesting, fun, or good for background noise

i picked 2.

don't get me wrong, i was invested in the story! but at the time, the general interpretation from my area of the fandom was that you watched all the streams (like, all of them) or you picked a streamer and analysed from their pov. this was pretty easy to do - i stuck with fundy and tubbo, the former of whom i watched youtube videos for while entering the fandom and the latter of whom played my personal favourite character.

as time went on, i opened myself up to other streams - i loved tftsmp, watched a few tommy streams, really liked niki's videos, and so on - and also to fan-produced content. this is standard procedure for me; i will usually turn to fanworks after consuming all content for some old media. with mcyt, it felt even stranger, what with dual wielding new content AND fan content. really, really wild shit here, okay? especially for me, joiner of dead fucking fandoms.

as time went on, new content started to... decrease. i got a lot more used to variety content and enjoying the streamers' general content rather than just the dream smp narrative. we've all seen the droughts (or most of us have, i believe) and it was during those times that a lot of newer fans joined. a small split in the fandom began to show: the ones who were here for the fandom, and the ones who were here for the story.

i think i was, at this point, here for the fandom. i still enjoyed fanworks, loved talking to people about the characters and plot, liked making friends and playing minecraft with them and even venturing into other mcyts out there (we've all had our last life phase (if you haven't, i recommend it)). the story is still something i keep up with, but... i won't watch all the important streams, i guess?

the point of tracing my entire involvement was to come back to this: i'm used to watching streams out of choice, so i can't really find myself watching lore streams unless i really really want to, you know? i'll read a recap, but that's it! however i will still post pretending i know everything that's going on, classic dsmp analyst style ;)

ramble over!

tl;dr i don't watch lore streams much bc i am used to sticking to only a few povs, but i will probably still be up to date about them!

[floreleine]

That GM prequel fic - part 3: Florence's POV

Part 1 (Madeleine, <1k, G)

Part 2 (Scarlet, 1k, G)

Ships: Floreleine & ScarletMay

Hiding the entire fic under the readmore this time for Part 1+2 spoiler reasons! This one's also rated G (or T if we're going for swear words and alcohol consumption I guess), a little over 1k words.

There will be at least 1 more part of this, and then I might post a revised and possibly longer version to ao3.

Bc idk where to put this in the fic itself yet, quick setting overview: they're not sitting around a table but instead Florence and Madeleine are sitting on a small couch, Scarlet is next to Madeleine on a wobbly kitchen chair and Anna May is sitting opposite them on a barstool at the kitchen aisle.

That night, the librarians plus Scarlet (and minus Baby, who is sleeping in the next room under a security camera that both Madeleine and Scarlet insist on checking every other minute) are sitting in the kitchen together for dinner and a drink.

Or five drinks in Anna May's case, as she downs the first one in one go and hasn't let go of the Whiskey bottle since. Florence can't blame her, really - if Madeleine had run off with some guy, no matter how early in their relationship, only to return a year later with tears and a baby... She has no idea what she'd be doing right now.

Madeleine and Scarlet are talking about the child right now, sharing child-caring advice - Florence is fairly certain that Madeleine has her knowledge from books and only from books, but she seems to have picked out sound advice from all that she has read at least - and Florence has to smile fondly at how Madeleine is glowing at the prospect of having a child in the library.

Scarlet is careful in her replies, not wanting to commit to anything, her eyes shifting back to Anna May whenever she doesn't think that the others are looking.

'She's afraid she'll kick her out after all,' Florence thinks with a quiet sigh. 'Can't blame her, Anna knows how to hold a grudge, and with how she is drinking right now... It isn't her friendliest appearance'.

Still, she thinks that they will work it out. They better. It's been a while since she has seen Anna May have an emotional reaction to just about anything, and it can't be healthy to keep it all locked inside, pushing all chances of happiness away.

Madeleine must have heard her sigh, and she leans back against Florence's side. Florence squeezes her arm, content to have her by her side, glad that they, at least, don't have to worry about their relationship status. Being with Madeleine always relaxes her, makes her feel like everything is alright in the world.

Madeleine presses a kiss to her chin and, after checking that both Scarlet and Anna May are looking down at their glasses, nods in the direction of the door. 'Should we give those two some privacy?'

Florence tilts her head for a moment to consider, then shakes her head, nodding at Anna May, and Madeleine winces a little. Yes, Anna is barely keeping it together now, who knows what she may say or rather shout if they left them alone... Anna May should get a chance to cool down, before she ends up saying something she doesn't mean and would regret.

As if on cue, Anna May throws back the rest of the Whiskey in her glass in one gulp and loudly brings it down on the kitchen counter as if to dispel the silence that has fallen.

"Fuck."

Madeleine looks like she wants to remind her about cursing with children in the house again, but Florence squeezes her arm to stop her. They don't need to irritate Anna May even more right now.

"I'm sorry," Scarlet says immediately. Florence doesn't think that she is apologizing for anything in particular, just for the situation in general, for present and past.

Anna May gets up and turns around, putting her glass in the sink and turning on the water, but then just leaning against it with her hands holding onto the metal edge and her knuckles turning white.

Florence is trying to decide whether to step in or not when Scarlet speaks up again in a shaky voice. "I can - I can leave, I don't have to -" she gets up, clearly ready to bolt, and Anna May flinches, but she doesn't turn back around.

"No-one's" leaving, Florence says at the same time as Madeleine says "No, don't be silly!" They share a smile, and then Madeleine squeezes her hand before getting up and walking over to Madeleine. "Come on, let me show you everything. You can sleep in the room with Samantha, me and Florence aren't really using it much anyway."

Florence watches them go with a soft smile. Madeleine always knows what to do, what to say. She's so grateful to have her.

Once the other two have left, Florence goes up to Anna May and slams the still-running tap down, making her jump.

"Stop wasting water and get a hold of yourself, Anna!"

Anna May whirls around, clearly ready to fight, but Florence just throws her a deadpan look and she deflates.

"Fuck, I don't know what to do." She slurs her words a little, but not as much as Florence would have expected after that much alcohol.

"Right now? You are going to drink some water so you will not be terribly hungover tomorrow. And tomorrow, you have got to think about whether you want that woman and her kid to stick around or not."

Anna May flinches a little, but when Florence sighs and pours her a glass of water, she takes it without protest and gulps most of it down in one go.

"I dun' want her to leave," she then murmurs, staring down at the glass in her hands. "She left me once, I don't want her to leave me again."

Florence sighs and pulls her into a hug. "Bloody hell, Anna, why did you never say anything? You must have been fucking heartbroken, and all you told us was that you gave dating one last chance."

Anna May half-laughs, half-sobs and clings to Florence like a lifeline. "Don't know. Didn't want to be weak. Didn't want it to be real."

"Oh, Anna," Florence sighs and squeezes her tightly. Then she takes a step back and fixes her with a hard look. "You've got to tell her that, you know that, Anna May? She is going to run away just to give you space while you are not talking to her because you're afraid she might run anyway."

Anna May sighs and grimaces a little, but nods. "I - tomorrow. I'll tell her tomorrow, before I can chicken out." she sighs. "I mean, it's not like I know whether she'd want to - whether she still-" she sighs. "She only left me because he didn't want to share, but maybe by now she's just over me."

Florence shrugs. "I can't look in her head, Anna, but from the way she looks at you... I think you guys will figure it out."

Anna May nods uncertainty, then frowns again. "And you'd be fine with it, if she's staying here... Indefinitely? I mean, she has a - kid -" she adds with a somewhat perplexed expression on her face, making Florence laugh. She's half of a mind to say 'congrats, you're a step-mom!' but stops herself at the last second. There will be time for that kind of joke when the peace between Anna May and that Scarlet isn't quite so fragile anymore. "Exactly," she instead replies. "So you know Madeleine will be mad at you forever if you let them get away."

Anna May snorts. "She did seem quite... taken by the kid."

Florence nods, frowning a little herself now. "She's always wanted kids, she just accepted that it isn't sensible in our line of work, and that I am not interested in them anyway. Seeing her with Samantha, now I'm wondering..."

"You did nothing wrong," Anna May reassures her. "And fuck, can you imagine having two kids around? It will be bad enough, trying to protect the one from everybody."

Florence sighs and nods. "I suppose. But I'm sure we'll manage. ...are you going to be alright now, or do I have to hide the Whiskey?"

"I'm not a drunk," Anna May replies a little offended, and Florence grins.

"I know you're not, but you sure made a great impression of one earlier!"

Anna May groans, and then she turns back to the counter to refill her waterglass. "Fuck, I'll be so dead tomorrow."

"Sleep in, then. Me 'n Madeleine will make sure Scarlet won't take off before you're awake and had your talk with her."

Anna May nods sharply. Florence smiles and squeezes her arm. "Well, get some sleep. I'll check on Scarlet and Madeleine."

~

Anna May nods again, and Florence sees her lean back against the counter with a deep sigh while she is leaving the kitchen. She really hopes that Anna May will take her advice to heart. Some heartbreak can't be avoided- but the one between her and Scarlet doesn't seem quite so inevitable.

Part 4

@phoenixhalliwell @thesevenwondersofawitch another update, hope you liked it!

If anyone else wants to be tagged for this series, lmk! Not tagging my usual GM tag list in every fic update as that would just be spammy.

Taking prompts!

[thelostguardianau]

The Lost Guardian- Chapter Eight

“Heed the Silenced”

(Authors note: aha.. yknow I should probably stop making promises for this fic. Months later, w/ a chapter that doesn’t have Thomas in it, three different outlines down and i’m really just at the mercy of this fic at this point xD considering midway through writing this chapter I had to cut and rewrite an entire scene i’d spent a month on bc I’d decided that Dee had a chance at redemtion that added an actual direction and a tangable end goal to this story. So. Yeah. And!! A loud Thank You!! to @bumblebeekitten for helping me bounce ideas back & forth for this au and being my beta for this chapter!!)

Character Info & Art:

Patton | Logan | Roman | Virgil | Remy | Deceit | ??? | ???

Chapter Seven | Chapter Nine

Fandom: Thomas Sanders Sides

Pairings: Eventual Polyamsanders (LAMPR/CALMR-a.k.a LAMP/CALM + Remy ‘Sleep’ Sanders)

Warnings: THIS CHAPTER IS KINDA DIALOG HEAVY!(sorry) Currently depicted as morally grey Deceit(subject to change in future chapters), though the side of Deceit from his first appearance doesnt make an appearance in this chapter and it is explained why, mentions of past betrayal and dark descriptions of bodily concepts, curses, limitations, and changes only really explained as possible through the lore of this au. Deceit speaks in riddles because he has to, ominous warnings. Virgil still isn’t okay mentally. Mentions of indifference to death, lack of selfworth or self preservation. (Let me know if I need to add anything!)

[[MORE]]

Brown eyes flutter open at the chilly breeze of a fan, and the ravenette’s mind comes to realize that he’s been moved from resting on his stomach to laying on his back. Groggy from his much too short nap, it takes a few moments to realize there are no warm bodies near him or under him, no breathing or chatter of familiar voices to sooth him.

The room, he realizes, is empty.

The room itself is, in fact, not Remy’s bedroom at all.

Shooting straight up, Virgil’s first clear thought is that he’s back at home. At his apartment, this time in his hoodie yet still roughed up from his latest ‘adventure’. The scene is eerily familiar, and yet he knows this time that work is not where he needs to be. It’s already daylight and his mind now knows this familiar scene, he should feel alone. Yet, this time he can hear the sound of honking cars and people, his loud neighbor from upstairs stomping around.

It doesn’t make sense as he walks to his window and peers out to see vague cars and people, he can’t even seem to make out any individual faces. It’s grey and raining outside, but there is no pattering sound against the foggy window. ‘What’s happening?’ Virgil wonders.

“Life seemed so simple a week ago, even months ago, did it not..?” A familiar voice drifts from behind him. Ice cold fear shoots down the ravenette’s spine as he recognizes the voice.

“I can hardly believe you were able to leave it, your routine. It was your everything, back when you came to terms with what you had left. Am I wrong, Virgil?” Whirling around to face the voice, Virgil finds the terrifying ex-Guardian sitting on his couch looking quite at home, if a little sheepish.

“What do you care?” He spat back, stepping back against his window.

“I am only looking out for you, you know. I have been protecting you all your life. Of all people I think I would know what is best for you, don't you think? We are connected after all, you and I.” The man sighed, making a surrendering motion with his hands.

“Why would I trust you?! You tried to kill me yesterday!” Virgil growled. “Why--h-how are you even here!?”

“False, my dear Virgil. I tried to warn you. Sure,” The guardian rolled his hand as he spoke, “I am forced to have a round-about way of speaking my truths, it is just part of my consequences it seems. But how else was I going to get you to listen to me after the others fed you lies about me? I do sincerely apologize for my other half being rough, though. I cannot quite.. Control.. Him.” The guardian tilted his bowler hat down to guiltily hide his eyes, regret briefly twisting his expression.

Finally the Guardian stood, dusting himself off as if his immaculate attire had acquired dust from just existing in his apartment. “I needed my physical body to reach yours and make our soul connection strong again, so that my soul could reach yours. However.. The pain I caused you was far from my intention. I am deeply regretful that it came down to.. That awful encounter.

“To answer your question though, Virgil, I am here because I created ‘here’. A realm made to form this illusion of being home, sweet home, just on the corner of the little street you had come to live on for the past year. It is all my doing. Where you stand is simply an illusion only you and I can access, a manipulation of your dreams and memories. The only place where the real me can talk to you mostly unhindered.” The guardian gestured to his surroundings.

“It takes only one person to flip your life on it’s head, a matter of hours to make the decision of a lifetime, and a matter of days to have completely changed your life’s direction,” He turned to Virgil, and looked him straight in the eyes, feeling distant and lost.

“And only a matter of years to succumb to the depression of the lonely consequences..”

Virgil blinked at that. The sad, longing tone had him thrown for a loop; it almost felt like the Guardian wasn't even quite talking to Virgil. “I-What..? I.. I don’t understand.”

The Guardian shook his head, snapping out of it and refocusing himself. "Nevermind that. It is time I talked to you for real, if you will have me?" The Guardian held out a hand politely, though there was no real expectation for Virgil to take it.

After a pause, Virgil gave a slight nod, still suspicious of the other's intent. The Guardian returned the nod, and his hand fell to his side.

“I am limited to the time that you rest and for now I will not be able to explain myself thoroughly, so, I ask you to understand that I do not expect you to trust me when I am done. I honestly do not expect you to ever trust me. With the mistakes I have made, I firmly believe I would not deserve it.”

Virgil blinked in surprise, not having expected his captor to admit to his faults straight off the bat.

“Okay.. Well, we’re here, might as well hear your side of the story. So.. Shoot.” Virgil said lightly, distrust and suspicion still evident in his tone and stance.

“I would assume at this point you are well aware of how the story you have been told paints me as the villain, a mastermind seeking power, immortality, and revenge? At least, that is what I am led to believe is still the story, it has been many years since I have heard the tale first hand… And... Well. Would that not be so lovely?” Virgil made a face, eyes narrowing in confusion.

“I am serious. Life would be so much easier if it was all black and white, true or false, good and bad, would it not? If those who meant well knew everything and those malicious few could not corrupt anything?” The Guardian frowned a bit, frustrated with his words that couldn’t seem to cooperate with him.

“Would it not be lovely if I could talk to you without fighting to keep from turning every honest thought into a question or theoretical statement just to let it be said? That my words could hold a meaning not forcibly disguised in the forms of fables and riddles?” The Guardian looked down lamely, his words tapering off in agitation. For a moment, Virgil waited as the Guardian was silent, contemplative. Then, the next moment the Guardian’s face scrunched up in sadness and his words were soft as he placed a hand over his golden wrist markings.

“My story is complicated, and twisted with shades of grey. One could say what I did was an attempt to keep you safe, another could say that what I did was outlandish and impulsive, and stupid. But no one will be able to tell you that what I did went according to the plan I had... at first. No one will tell you that my intention was to save you, to keep your fate safe. No one will tell you that my plan was ruined. Because there is no longer anyone who remembers what happened that night except for me,”

The Guardian’s eyes flicked up to meet the ravenette’s, a hurt look passing over his face as he continued. His steady voice now just barely trembled with uncertainty as he continued.

“No one but me and the soul who wants so desperately for everyone to forget. The soul who ripped my own in two to bury the secret, and ruin you and I both.”

“My final warning is this: Beware of the man who carries the world on his shoulders unflinchingly, he will be watching you closely. You have immunity to his power thanks to our connection, you might use this knowledge well to find the truth that lies in plain sight. However, your fate lies in the decisions you chose to make with this knowledge, I can only warn you of what might come.” The Guardian nodded solemnly, choosing to finish his cryptic warning there.

Virgil stood there, reeling with the information. Sure, he definitely wasn’t completely convinced he could trust this cryptic stranger, Guardian? Foe? Friend? Virgil wasn’t really sure what to call him anymore. But damn, his life was already so fucking crazy, this was all just fucking crazy! He could just be dreaming for all he knew.

But… Deep inside, he was hoping he wasn’t.

This was, well. This wasn’t what he’d been expecting to hear when facing the man whose, er, body? Had originally tried to strangle him? Now he’d heard his sob story and, well, Virgil wasn’t that easy to fool, but he’d also been told that it wasn’t expected that he’d trust the guy even in the end and he didn’t really want to.

He’d been on the path to death for so long, and then just two days ago everything had changed. So much was happening, it was frankly exhausting. What the fuck was he, some book protagonist? Couldn’t he get a little time to think about all this before he went crazy?

Still, something under all his incredulity begged to hear the guardian out. He vaguely wondered how Stockholm Syndrome worked before he gave in a little. What difference did a little more crazy make in his life at this point?

“Fine, I’ll heed your warning, or whatever the fuck. But only if you can tell me what you mean when you said that this guy ripped your, uh, soul? In two.” Virgil huffed, partially relaxing. It was odd how comforting he found it to be, floating in this weird feeling imaginary world, where he could interact with objects that weren’t real. It felt like he was really standing in his home, and yet it was just built from memory.

The guardian’s solemn expression formed into a grim smile, eyes distant once more before nodding. “I will do the best that my words will allow.” Virgil nodded, and waited for the now very familiar stranger to gather his words and take a breath. Then he began, his markings lightly flashing gold.

“You find yourself whole one day, as you have always been. To be whole of body, whole of mind, both human and guardian in nature. To have conscious thought and control over your whole physical being and soul..

“You find that yourself and others of the winged variety are capable of separating your soul from your being, though only the most Elite can do it well. You find out the family you made would soon be in danger. You then find yourself lost and alone when you once had a home to call your own.

“You find yourself knowing a truth, a perilous truth. Your home is in shambles now that you are gone, yet they do not know it. This truth is at fault, but the blame is not fully your own in a world built on lies.

“The source of truth tucks itself into blankets of grey, drawing itself further from discovery with each passing day. Now only you know the truth. The source of the truth finds you, it seeks to hide you too.

“You find yourself split one day, as you have never been before. Forced apart from the body, trapped within the mind. Guardian in nature, to have conscious thought and your dying soul trapped within, a false mind piloting the puppeteered confines of a broken body with a blind goal.”

“You find you cannot control what you used to, you are a prisoner to a body that is no longer your own, mostly unconscious to the world around it. Crazed by the false emotions that fuel it.”

“The you that used to be is no longer, and has not been for over a hundred years. The world that knew you knows not of what you’ve become. Knows not of the shackles that bind you.

“The you that used to be is no longer, and will never be again.” The Guardian finished, hesitant yellow eyes meeting Virgil’s carefully. Phantom goosebumps trail down Virgil's arms as the final sentence strikes a cord in him.

Virgil found he really wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that, the rawness in the other’s tone spoke volumes of the sore spot they’d reached.

“Your body rests, but your mind also needs time to process today. I shall see you when you next rest, though only if you wish to seek me. Rest well knowing that you will not be scooped from your safety once more, as I hope I’m never to do so again. And...” The guardian paused, considering their next words very carefully.

“I know it is selfish to ask... but, I hope and wish that Thomas is alright, after all this time... Do take care of him, would you?”

Virgil paused and stared, finding only concern and longing in the guardian’s expression. And, well, fuck. What a way to pull at a guy’s heartstrings.

“Er, yes. Yeah. I’ll try my best.” Virgil gave his signature mock salute, the Guardian tipping his hat in return.

“Trying is all I could ever ask of you, Virgil. Rest well, you will need it.” And with that final sentence, the world around Virgil gently grew dark, and he sunk into the comforting arms of sleep.

Despite it all, Virgil still found his mind vaguely conscious. Sluggish at best, but awake nonetheless.

He figured it was likely some lingering effect from the Guardian’s dream realm, but didn’t dwell on it. His life had way too much else going on to be debating the side effects gained from Guardian powers.

First, he’d been pretty damn convinced two days ago that he was going to be a goner by the end of the month. Completely resigned to die believing that his very existence was scorned by the world he’d been unwillingly born into.

Then Patton had stumbled onto his shitty apartment’s roof, found him in all of his resigned and depressed glory, and changed his life forever.

They’d mostly skipped the whole ‘Human nature is a series of life, death, and rebirth’ spiel that guardians were known to give in these situations because... Well, It wasn’t like they’d really had time to address it before the truth about his soul had come out. That he wasn’t exactly human to begin with.

Virgil didn’t think that Guardians had ever had a situation like his before. There wasn’t a protocol for comforting a kidnapped guardian soul. It’d never been a possibility before!

So it wasn’t surprising then, that Virgil didn’t have any better of a time processing it.

His whole life, all that he’d known to be true, all that he’d believed in? Everything had been uprooted and turned on its head. He’d apparently been living a life that was not supposed to be.

Perhaps for the first time in two days, Virgil realized that the thought of his death at the end of the month had not been consistently worming into his brain. It had once been something he could never seem to stop thinking about.

The death indicated by his soul timer was now perhaps the farthest thing from his mind.

Perhaps the strangest thing so far was that he wasn’t alone anymore. He’d possibly had more physical contact with other people in the short two(three?) days since this adventure started then he’d had in the past 16 years.

And wasn’t it just the cherry on top that he’d also gotten nearly choked out by the very guardian accused of kidnapping his soul in the first place? And now he was considering trusting the damn guy.

Virgil hollowly wondered why he even cared.

Why did he care about staying alive now when he’s spent his whole life believing he never would? Up until two days ago, that belief had still been true. But now? Avoiding death was the goal, Logan had stated as much.

Really, would Virgil lose anything by trusting the banished guardian? Even if the guardian was trying to trick Virgil and got him killed, what difference would it make? That’d always been the goal before. What did he, Virgil, really have to lose?

If it happened that Virgil lived past his twentieth birthday, if he became a guardian like he was supposed to be in the first place. Would he want that? Did he want that?

He wasn’t sure. Didn’t know if he ever had been.

His life had been built on resignation to the inevitable. Nothing seemed to motivate him towards liking or hating that possibility. He was just that.

Indifferent.

And wasn’t that just the greatest revelation of the night? Finding out that you’re indifferent to living or dying.

Once this was all over, if Virgil lived that long, he would make a note to see a therapist. He knew very well that this kind of mindset was unhealthy to keep. It just couldn’t be helped that the nineteen years he’d lived with this particular affliction couldn’t be fixed by a few extra hugs and comforting words.

Even if he didn’t like the fact that death sounded like the more peaceful option.

His thoughts paused, mentally sighing at the downward spiral he’d caught himself in. It was tiring, and going nowhere.

‘For now,’ he decided, ‘I’m just going to see how this plays out. The Guardian said that none of the others remember the truth, or whatever. So, It’s a ‘he said-they said’ situation right now...’

‘I’ll have to keep an eye out for the guy that he warned me about, then. Who knows if he's as dangerous as The Guardian made him out to be. It’s hard to tell with the weird way he has to talk..’

Virgil paused again, a realization striking him. If he could have groaned, he would have. Not once had he been given or even remembered to ask for the name of said Guardian. What was he supposed to call the rogue Guardian now? He couldn’t just keep calling him The Guardian!

Amidst the disbelief of such a slip up, a foreign yet familiar feeling prodded questioningly at his conscious mind. Adding confusion into the mix of emotions, he returned the feeling with a questioning thought of his own.

He briefly heard the Guardian’s whispy voice once more, now acting with permission.

“You may call me Janus”

Then all at once, Virgil woke up.

.

.

.

Chapter Nine

[sourbkg]

𝚜𝚊𝚏𝚎 𝚊𝚝 𝚕𝚊𝚜𝚝

➪ request: [ @laeserle​ ] hello! I understand you may not want your story to end this way,, you might want to keep the story sad/scary in true yandere fashion, buuut is there any chance you could do another part to the yandere izuku that kidnapped both reader and Bakugou, and they end up managing to escape together and learn to overcome the trauma? it's perfectly okay if you don't want to change up your story like this, I'm just eager to see a happy ending. I really like your writing, by the way!

➪ pairing: yandere!midoriya x reader, bakugou katsuki x reader 

➪ warnings: yandere!au, mentions of kidnapping, escape, :), deku has no rights, implied yandere?

➪ word count: 992

➪ a/n: this isn’t ‘canon’ to the story, bc i have a diff ending in mind >:) but you were so sweet in asking so <3 

➪ read what started it all here (yan!mido x reader x bkg)

You don’t know how Bakugou got out, but he did. He had more fight left in him than either you or Midoriya gave him credit for, and it seemed that was Midoriya’s downfall. 

He didn’t take it well, slamming door after door in the house looking for the blonde- calling his name, begging him to come out from where he was hiding. All while you remained chained to the bed, a new collar sitting prettily against your throat. Midoriya had been so excited coming home, too, boasting about how many villains he took down before saying he went on a shopping spree- ready to ‘spoil’ the two of you. 

You were asleep when Bakugou left, he didn’t seem to find it important to wake you, to take you with him. You don’t blame him, you’d only slow him down in his efforts to get help- you hoped he’d get help. Hoped he wouldn’t just leave you with Midoriya, who bursts in the room with a manic expression. 

“He’s gone.” Is the first thing that leaves his lips. For a moment, Midoriya looks lost. Like a kid who can’t find their mom in the grocery store, and it’d really break your heart if you had any sympathy left for the man standing before you. But, you don’t. His eyes settle on you. “Did you help him?” 

You shake your head, because no you didn’t help him. You wish you did. Midoriya’s in front of you in the second it takes to blink, and you flinch, scrambling back in an effort to create some distance. He doesn’t falter, grabbing you by your shoulders and digging his nails into your skin. He’s shaking. 

“Did you help him?” He asks again, with more urgency, and you give the same response. A shake of the head. You couldn’t find your voice if you tried. “Look at me.” He whispers. You look at him through your lashes, willing the tears that form in your eyes away. They fall down your cheeks instead. 

He opens his mouth to say more, but stops himself when there’s banging on the front door. You both look up at the sound. There’s a moment of silence before you hear the front door being blown off of its hinges. You flinch at the noise and Midoriya places a hand over your mouth to prevent anything from coming out. 

“Midoriya Izuku, we’re here with a warrant for your arrest.” A voice calls out in the house. Midoriya’s eyes are frantic as they look around the room; from the chains to the collars. He’s fucked if they catch him. You know it, and he knows it. 

“Shit.” 

It’s the first time you’ve ever heard Midoriya curse, grip wavering. He looks at you with uncertainty, before pressing a kiss to the crown of your head. “I’ll come back for you, I swear.” 

Then, he’s pulling away from you, breaking the latch on the window with ease and slipping out seconds before a hero in an all white costume barges through the door. You flinch away from the splintering wood and can only stare, wide-eyed. He looks just as surprised, before calling over his shoulder, “I got someone!” 

--

The recovery period is much longer than anticipated. For both you and Bakugou. After you were unchained and taken from the house, you were brought to a hospital. There wasn’t anything terribly wrong with you, save for a couple bruises, and you were told Bakugou was staying in a room a few doors down. It doesn’t take long to be discharged, and you and Bakugou are asked question after question about what happened-  when did he take you, what did he do, where did he go? 

The last one was a question you couldn’t answer. Where did he go? The thought of him still being out there left you shaking, but he’d been stripped of his hero license, stripped of everything that made him happy. Well, everything except his quirk. 

It was hard, getting back in the loop of things. You moved back in with your parents while an anonymous hero agency offered to pay all of your medical bills. You and Bakugou grew closer as the weeks went on, your therapist suggested it’s because you both went through the trauma together, so there’s now an unbreakable bond.

You learn later it was Bakugou’s agency that paid your bills. Bakugou’s recovery is faster than yours, but you assume it’s because he wants to get back on his feet- he wants to get back into hero work. That doesn't stop him from visiting you, though. 

Within a few months, you’re ready to be on your own again. Well, not totally alone. Just away from your doting parents. Bakugou offers to go halfsies on an apartment, and you don’t deny him- moving in with someone you trust who's also a hero?  It’s the best deal you can think of. 

Bakugou’s really easy to live with, you come to realize. He’s neat, always keeping his things organized, and always making sure you eat regularly despite his irregular hours. He’s caring, in his own weird way. Checking in on you when he can, or giving nightly calls when he’s away for his hero work. It becomes almost natural, relying on one another, though you don’t comment on his strange habits. 

They start off small. Him popping his head into your room on occasion, as if to assure himself you were still there, or him installing cameras in every room in the apartment (excluding the bathroom- that you know of) and watching the live feed like it’s his own TV show while at work.

But he promises it’s all for your safety! That each tick and trick he has is to make sure you’re okay. Who are you to judge him for his habits? Even when you get chills from his stare sometimes, something bubbling in your chest that you’d only felt around Midoriya. 

[carterhaughs]

What do you think about Luke's characterization in the movie? I actually enjoyed his storyline and he was brilliantly acted by Mark. I don't necessarily agree with the arguments that it was totally out of character or that his utter disillusionme was very believable. I actually felt for Hamill when he said that Luke would have definitely tried to right his wrong and was disappointed he had turned his back for so long since I also think Luke wouldn't have given up for long.

I totally get why it didn’t land for some people’s vision of the character - including Mark’s. I guess for me, this iteration of the SW universe and characters feels the most real - not bc it’s edgy or darker or something - the original three had plenty of darkness. I think it’s just that this trilogy is set up to be more nuanced and exploratory of shades of grey. The storyline isn’t darker per se, just less clear cut. Lucas deliberately took tropes from Joseph Campbell’s The Hero with a Thousand Faces so that the first three films would have a universal feel to them such that Luke is a relatable folk hero to anyone from any culture, even though he’s from a galaxy far, far away. As my friend @hermouthslipped / @a-spaghettiday pointed out to me, that makes the original story seem like a legend of old in the minds of the characters from this trilogy, as if the mythic grandiosity of the originals is how the stories are told in the present timeline of the universe, heavy on tropes and dealing not necessarily in absolutes but in clearly defined moral ends and endings heavy on the sweet, light on the bitter. 

All that being said, I personally related deeply to Luke’s possibly decades-long stint on Depression Island, and I think it’s a completely realistic reaction to his situation but perhaps not what we’d expect from the narrative if we expected it to follow the “universal hero” plotline of the first three films. As someone intimately acquainted with failure who has had so many stops and starts in my academic career bc of deep-seated situational depression and general anxiety, I know that there are some things that beyond all reason, make you want to turn your back on everything for fear of fucking up again, perhaps even more seriously than before given that the stakes are higher. It’s definitely not always a rational inclination but emotionally it often seems insuperable. And Luke, as the last known Jedi master, if he even considered himself that, probably felt exactly that when a fleeting moment of uncertainty doomed all his efforts and possibly destroyed forever the life of a young man and his family’s chance at happiness, not to mention the lives of his students. That’s something Luke has never dealt with - losing nearly all the found family you’ve gained and feeling as though you’ve irreparably broken what remains. Little wonder he didn’t recover and thought it best that the effort to revitalize the old ways was best left in the past given all that had happened within three generations of his family. Failure really is the greatest teacher like Yoda says, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt for many reasons far graver and more traumatizing than simple disappointment. 

Also, this is the guy who threw himself into the abyss when he found out Vader was his father, so this is honestly one of the least emotionally dramatic responses he could have had…ah, Skywalkers. Can’t live with em, can’t live without em. 

[hoidthevoid]

Quick question, Cosmere buddy. Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't Radiants earn new powers as they say their oaths? And if yes, was it ever explained why the Honorblade Szeth had only gave him the three basic abilities of a Windrunner?

okay! this took so long bc I needed to finish my yearly reread of Words of Radiance. having done so, I can now confidently answer!

 i have no frickin idea about the first portion, man. events regarding the Words are a tad inconsistent. so let’s analyze what we have! 

side notes: all quotes here come from my (incredibly abridged) research, but I’m fairly certain everything is in the right order. we only have Kaladin and Lift to go off of here because Shallan’s only Words were apparently spoken years ago, we haven’t had much of anything regarding Renarin’s progression as a Surgebinder, and all Dalinar did was scream his first and second Ideals at the sky. 

so when Kaladin speaks his second Ideal (Way of Kings) he gets a massive energy boost and a cool Stormlight effect:

The Words, a voice said, urgent, as if directly into his mind. In that moment, Kaladin was amazed to realize that he knew them, though they’d never been told to him.

“I will protect those who cannot protect themselves,” he whispered.

The Second Ideal of the Knights Radiant.

…

A burst of whiteness washed out from him, a wave of white smoke. Stormlight. The force of it slammed into the first rank of Parshendi, tossing them backward, and Teft had to hold his hand up against the vibrancy of the light.

The powerful light began to subside, retreating. A more subdued glow began to steam off his body. Radiant, like smoke from an ethereal fire.

Just moments ago, the lad had looked near death, skin a dull grey, hands shaking. Now he was a shining whirlwind, a storm wielding a spear.

…but he doesn’t get any new abilities/powers; he doesn’t immediately gain the ability to Lash, for instance. however, when Lift speaks/thinks her second Ideal (Words of Radiance), she is able to perform Regrowth when she has never done so before:

I will remember those who have been forgotten.

Lift leaned forward, touched her forehead to his, and breathed out. A shimmering something left her lips, a little cloud of glowing light. It hung in front of Gawx’s lips.

when Kaladin speaks his third Ideal (Words of Radiance), he doesn’t explicitly get an event like the first one. perhaps that’s due to the nature of his predicament; Syl wasn’t present beforehand, so the massive Stormlight/energy boost would have just seemed like it was coming from the inhalation of a frick ton of Stormlight. but, in the second event, Syl can become a frickin Shardblade. similarly, Wyndle is able to transform into Shardweapons after Lift speaks her third Ideal, but she also doesn’t get a big Stormlight power boost (although that could again be due to the nature of her situation).

so atm i’m thinking it’s more of a spren leveling-up than a power gain. Kaladin wasn’t necessarily more powerful than he was before speaking the Words, although he may have appeared to be by virtue of direct contrast, while Syl was able to become a Shardblade after the third Ideal was spoken. Syl also seemed more aware of herself after both events. pretty much the same thing with Wyndle. but i kinda guess it’s a mutual leveling up? bc the Surgebinder needs to progress to the point where they can say the Words, and their partnership with their spren kinda needs to develop. not as literally as the spren change, though. and we can kind of call Dalinar into this with the fact that after he bonded the Stormfather, he was able to breathe in Stormlight (although he thinks he’s done it before???) so. little bit of uncertainty there. 

onto the Honorblades portion. afaik and understand, the Honorblades are the weapons that the Heralds left behind. each of them should give the powers that their Herald held to their bearers; therefore, Szeth had Jezrien’s Honorblade. the Radiants’ spren copied what the Honorblades could do, and because of the spren and the Nahel bond, there was an exchange: with a bonded spren, a person could do the same things using significantly less Stormlight, but spren also imposed their oaths on the person. so Szeth is able to go around killing people for other people regardless of his personal honor because he has no spren, but he also requires a metric frick ton more of Stormlight to power it. Syl called this metric frick ton more of Stormlight dangerous, though we don’t know exactly why yet, to my knowledge. so, in line with the previous paragraph, Szeth gets the Windrunner abilities all at once bc he doesn’t need a spren, so the spren doesn’t need to level up. and i don’t really know if those are the only abilities of a Windrunner, so I’d hesitate to call them only the basic abilities, buuuuut we don’t really know much about that either. so that’s that.

as usual, I hope this is somewhat comprehensible and answers at least 62% of your question. I’m working on your other ask too! it’s great to answer them, they require so much thought and acknowledgement of how little we know. it’s fantastic. we’re gonna get to know so much more. feel free to ask me to clarify or anything!