#and it’s a little mini tournament with a shit ton of people

[rockcattomato]

it’s so hard being a scott smajor fan because on one hand I want him to win, on the other he simply stays winning too much

[lonnyrocketreviews-blog]

Rupaul’s Drag Race Season 10 Power Rankings - Ep. 8, (Cher) The Unauthorized Rusical

Fair warning, my brains are still scrambled from last week. This show is going crazy! It’s chaos! It’s so unpredictable! I don’t know what to think anymore. I feel like I just need to...snap out of it!

Actually, with the exception of Kameron winning, I found this episode to be pretty predictable. This episode was pretty much just filler so we could get rid of the Vixen, and we did. Huzzah!

7. The Vixen Ding dong the bitch is dead. This elimination was written on the wall and was only delayed by a week because Monique bombed so hard last week. It didn’t matter what anyone else did this week or who was going up against her because NO ONE survives a 3rd lipsync in a row. Ru seemed like she was itching to get rid of her. Before, I thought there was an outside chance the Vixen could’ve made it to the end, but she couldn’t decide if she wanted to be an evil villain or a whiny victim, and she just came off as volatile and childish. Her rage wasn’t focused, and her drag needs a ton of polish. Obviously, the season’s gonna be a lot more relaxed from here on out. No one’s gonna have to walk on eggshells anymore. There will probably not be any fights going forward, but I’m fine with it. We got enough this season, I think. Thank you Vixen for bringing chaos back to the show and Untucked. We loved to hate you. RIP.

6. Asia O’Hara Asia has been going up and down throughout the season, so it’s hard to know where she stands. After performing pretty poorly 2 weeks in a row, I have no other choice but to put her low. I’m not sure if she’s going home NEXT, but she’s in a really rocky spot right now. Her Beyoncé was bad. Her Cher was bad, and the next challenge is just acting, but she might squeeze through. In the only challenge she won, she got by on silly faces and ugly makeup, not great acting, so I’m a little nervous. After looking back through their track records, I may have overrated Asia a little bit before. Even though she has one win and some great moments throughout the season, she’s the only one who has been consistently low the last couple weeks, which is a bad omen for next week. I’ma be bummed if she goes next, but it’ll pale in comparison to the shock of the Snatch Game episode. Only the Twist will top that.

5. Kameron Michaels I didn’t expect Kameron to ever get a challenge win, but I didn’t expect Aquaria to win Snatch Game either. Next week is acting, which isn’t Kameron’s strong suit, so I refuse to put Kameron any higher despite winning this week. I initially would have put Cracker below Kameron, but Cracks is a good actor and Kameron isn’t (maybe knowing what the next challenge is would be considered cheating for the purposes of writing power rankings but fuck you I do what I want). I actually think the win for this Cher challenge should’ve gone to Cracker and not Kameron. Even though KM has a surprisingly good voice, Cracker was funnier, had harder choreo, and a MUCH better runway look. Kameron’s look was kinda basic. On the other hand, Kameron is finally finally getting some interesting narrative. I actually do kinda like the bitch. She’s thoughtful, reserved, and seems genuinely kind and humble. It’s actually really interesting to see a queen this quiet go this far, and it’s refreshing to have someone there who isn’t such a loudmouth. I feel for Kameron, and I’ve come around on her for the most part since the season began, but I still don’t think she’s gonna go to the end.

4. Miz Cracker Cracker always gets so close, but never quite nabs the win. I don’t really agree at all with the judges’ negative critiques about her this week. Breanna slayed. There’s always next week! It’s weird how Cracker and Aquaria have had this role reversal since episode 1. I think when the season began, most people were gunning for Cracker over Aquaria, but now it seems like Aquawoman is a true fan favorite and Cracker is getting kinda written out. Shit’s nutty. I’m still crossing my fingers for my girl. I think she deserves top 4, but maybe not top 3. She hasn’t won a challenge and is rarely in the top, even in comedy challenges. I dunno. It’s unfortunate but I don’t see her winning after all.

3. Monet X Change Another strong week for Monet! Cool. There’s still a few episodes left and no stupid Twist yet, so I GUESS something crazy could happen, but if things go as they should, she’ll likely be in the top 3 next to Aquaria and Eureka. I think that’s a pretty nice looking top 3. It would have been more interesting to have seen Monique up there instead, but I’ll take what I can get. The top 3 should be diverse but strong all around, and I think Monet has that......well except for her looks. Monet X Change has to have the absolute worst looks out of everyone this season. Her outfit this week was REAL bad, but her Cher was real good, and she’ll probably be fine next week.

2. Aquaria Can someone actually explain to me what Aquaria did to her eyes? That shit was incredible. THAT’S commitment. In the looks department, I’d put Aquaria up into the highest echelons next to Raja and Violet Chachki, the most fashionable queens of all. I’ve never seen a queen with such an artistic eye before. It blows my mind. She may have been “low” this week, but she made it through this, one of the harder challenges, and I can’t envision any possible ending that doesn’t have her in the top 3. You know she’s gonna murder the finale looks, too.

Check out this video. Things like this look are why she’s a frontrunner: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WESAj_lQHPs

1. Eureka That dress made me scream. It was EPIC. This’ll probably be the closest she comes to the bottom for the rest of the season. It really doesn’t matter what Eureka does from here on out. Even when she stumbles, she still gets more and more backstory. Every thing not to like about Eureka comes with a good story behind it. I dunno if she’s polarizing or not; most people I’ve talked to have said she’s among their favorites, or they at least recognize she’s going to the end. It’s obvious. I don’t have much else to say about her. I’m just gushing over that  fucking gown.

Some other misc. notes: - Black queens are gonna get judged more harshly in a Cher challenge. - No one did that great (at least in the judges’ eyes) so Kameron won by default. - Assigned roles are bullshit. Asia shoulda gotten to pick who did what since she won the mini challenge.

If the Twist isn’t next episode, I’ma be EXTREMELY nervous beyond that. I know some stupid bullshit fuckery is on the horizon. I feel it in my bones. I think the only one -truly- safe no matter what happens is Eureka. What I fear most is a stupid lipsync tournament. Shea Coulee and Trinity Taylor were robbed. I want this to be a good, fair battle between the top THREE queens. Season 9 had a top 4 finale. That’s a THIRD of the contestants in the finale. Shit’s stupid. Narrow it down so I can really gun for one of em.

[namjoonsteeth]

Ruin The Friendship (part I)

Title: Ruin The Friendship (mini-series)

Word-Count: 4.5k

Pairing: Jay Park/ Reader (kinda)

Summary: Best friends to lovers. Inspired by Ruin The Friendship - Demi Lovato.

Genre: Smutty Fluff

Part 2 Part 3

“Are you home?”It’s been a while since I’ve heard his voice. When I moved to Seoul to further my career as a stylist, I imagined that I’d see my best friend who incidentally lived in Seoul a lot more often. As the head of not one but two independent record labels, Jay is busier than I could’ve ever expected. If he’s not working at the studio, he’s doing a show, if not that he’s shooting for some high fashion magazine. His schedule is so packed that it’s a miracle when I get a phone call every few days, a luxury that I appreciate considering he’d much rather text me. 

I sandwich the phone between my ear, careful to not burn myself on the leftovers from last night that I’m taking out of the oven. “Yeah, I just got in probably twenty minutes ago. What are you up to?” I ask him.

 I could never be over how proud I am of him. I’d grown up with him back in Seattle talking about all of our dreams, and though he never planned to do this he’d always wanted to be big. I used to go to his b-boy tournaments, now he’s this big star with a billion and one projects under his belt.

 “Can I come over?” I pause. “What? Where are you? I thought you were helping one of your artists with promo in Malaysia or something,”

“I was but I’m home now and my house is empty,” he whines. I can imagine him pushing his pink lips out in a pout.

“You mean your bed is empty and you have nothing better to do, so you want to come and raid my fridge,” I correct.

 “Exactly, baby. Are you busy?” 

Like I’d tell him if I were. Its been a good few weeks since I’d laid eyes on him briefly at a club appearance he’d been working. Probably two months have passed since we’d actually spent any time together. I’d be crazy not to jump at the opportunity no matter what I have going on. 

“No, come over. Bring alcohol and chocolate ice cream,” I tell him. I look down at the sad pan of lasagna that seems less appealing. “And bring food too,” I add. 

He laughs lightly, promising to see me in a little bit. I take advantage of the little time I have to straighten up my small one bedroom apartment. I know Jay won’t care, but there’s always been a part of me that aches to have him see me as an adult. It’s a funny thing; being friends with your childhood best friend. They know too much, the can tell when you aren’t 100% honest, and they could revert you back to the child-like headspace with just a look. I’ve always felt the need to have myself look put together particularly around Jay. He’s always known what he’s wanted out of life. And he’s always known the best paths to get there. For me, I’d tried too many things out, failed at so many options. When I moved to Seoul, I promised that I would focus on being the adult little me would want to have been. I’m succeeding I think. I’m happy, content at least. There are things I have that I’m grateful that I’ve been able to achieve. For the most part, I’m living my best life, but there’s always one part of me that’s never completely satisfied. 

I pretend that I’m ok with it a lot. I pretend that I don’t think about him for a good part of my day. And I pretend that I’m not still a little in love with my best friend. Jay and I have always raised questions. No one really knows what to make of our relationship. On the outside looking in, I think it’s a bit more obvious than the two of us give ourselves credit for. There’s always been chemistry, an undeniable connection that has me wishing that there were a bit more going on. After he’d moved back to Seoul the second time, I’d given up my infatuation. He was so busy building his name back up while I was trying to move on with my own life. And it worked for a while, but then he’d become so much more than that shy talented kid I’d grown up with. He developed both mentally and physically into more of a man than I could have hoped for. At some point, while we lived on opposite sides of the world, the flame that had dwindled down to an ember, had been sparked again. He grew up. We both did. And somehow we’d reunited in South Korea. 

I grab a towel and hop in the shower. With Jay most likely sleeping over tonight, I’m expecting to fall asleep right on the couch. I won’t make it to my bed let alone the shower. It’s in the middle of me washing my hair that he decides to ring the doorbell. I wrap a towel around my midsection and open the door for him. 

“You didn’t even check if it was me,” he frowns making a beeline for my kitchen counter. He unloads all of the grocery bags he has, putting the ice cream in my freezer. He looks over at the abandoned lasagna and rolls his eyes at me. 

“Who else is going to be ringing my doorbell, thirty minutes after I get off the phone with you?”He trashed the lasagna and sticks a frozen pizza in my oven. He turns to look at me, his arms crossed over his chest and a frown still puckering his eyebrows. 

“I’m serious Y/n, you need to be careful,”

“I will,” I promise, drawing closer to him. He’s been working out a lot more than usual. He’s training with an MMA group that’s super into intense work out. It shows. His arms are thicker, his chest broader.

“I missed you too by the way,” I add, leaving him to stand in my kitchen. I’m pulling on underwear under my towel when he follows in a few second later.

 “If your way of showing you miss me is by answering the door naked, I think I’m missing out on a lot,” he bounces on my bed, picking up the magazine I have on my bedside table. It’s the cover shot of Bazaar that he did last month. 

“Are you going to sign that one for me so I can pay my bills,” I laugh. I’m still not used to the fact that he’s such a huge star now. If I was serious, I’m sure I could make tons of money off of the shit he leaves lying around every time he comes by. I turn my back to him, covering my chest so I can pull a t-shirt on and a pair of sweats. 

“Hey, is that a tattoo,” He eyes the dark ink on my shoulder blade like it’s somehow betrayed him. “I told you I’d go with you,”

I shrug. “You were busy. It’s fine. How was work?” I sit on the edge of my bed.

“Well, at least let me see it,” he says, ignoring my question. He moves so that he sits beside me. His fingers move toward the collar of the back of my shirt. He pulls the material down to get a good ink at the week-old tattoo. “Carpe Noctem,” a finger traces the cursive lettering on my back. “What does it mean?”I look up him. He’s so close. It’s moments like this that I’m reminded that the way I feel about him lies way beyond the boundaries that we’ve allowed ourselves. It would be so easy to lean in, to finally know what his mouth feels like. Instead I pull away, standing and crossing my room toward the door to put some distance between us. 

“It’s Latin for ‘seize the night’. I’m going to check on the food,”I leave him there staring at me while I go to look at the pizza. For some reason, my appetite has disappeared. All I have on my mind is how good his fingers felt against my skin. When he comes behind me while I bend over to pull our food out, I hold my breath, careful not to touch him. I stretch over the stove to turn the oven off to keep from looking at him. 

“Y/n,” he calls my name quietly from behind me. His hand rests on my hip lightly. I jerk away from him, startled by the warmth of his palm on me. He reaches over, taking the pizza cutter out of my hand. 

“Why didn’t you wait for me?” He asks. I can see how deeply he’s hurt by it. Tattoos are a little bit of a big deal in the Korean culture. It’s an experience he wanted to be there for.

 “It seems like I’m always waiting for you,” I tell him. “You have your life here, Jay. I can’t expect you to drop everything just for a tattoo,”

He frowns at me. His tongue comes out quickly to swipe over his bottom lip. He looks too good, too attractive to just be Jay. He’d surpassed the average quota of beauty a few years back, now it’s just criminal. Even now while we’re just talking, I can’t help but think about him touching me. 

“You know it’s not just a tattoo, y/n. I promised I’d take you,”

“Months ago,” I laugh quietly. I cross my arms over my chest as a small barrier between us. “Honestly, Jay. It’s ok. I understand that you don’t just belong to me anymore,”

His lips pull into a sad smile, the frown slightly still in place. “I know you’re trying to make me feel better but it’s not really working,”

“What do you want me to say? You’re on your own path. As much as I love it when we get to spend time with each other like this, we’re both adults. I can’t rely on you to hold my hand through the city,”He sighs and moves to lean against the counter besides me. “I’m doing a shitty job in filling my best friend duties,”

I laugh loudly, looking up at him. “What, are you five? I’m fine. I promise. I’m even making friends, Jay,”

“Still not making me feel better,” he groans. “Actually that’s worse. What if you meet some other guy who can pick up your favorite ice cream whenever you want?”

“It doesn’t matter,” I tell him. I lean my head against his shoulder. “He won’t be your dorky ass,”

He’s quiet for a long time. “I think about that a lot you know,” he finally says softly. “I’m always so scared when I call you, one day you’ll tell me I can’t come over because there’s someone else here doing all the things I’m supposed to be doing,”It’s the first time he’s ever hinted at being jealous of any other guys. Jay has always gotten along with people I’ve dated in the past. Granted, he hasn’t really been around to really get to know any of them. 

“Where is this coming from?” I ask, looking up at him. His eyes are soft, his lips glistening like he’d just licked them recently. I’ve never wanted to kiss him more than I do right now. He grabs my hand, pulling me so that I stand directly in front of him. 

“I’m always thinking about you, y/n,” he tells me. “Even when I shouldn’t be. Even when I’m with someone else. Lately it seems like the longer I am away from you, the more I miss you, the more I imagine what it would be like,” he trails off not finishing his thought. I step closer to him, emboldened by the heat in his eyes. My chest presses against his. 

“What do you think about?”His eyebrow ticks up and his lips pull into a smile. How he goes from soft and sweet to arrogant, is beyond even my understanding. His hand reaches down to cup my neck, drawing me closer. His breath fans over my face. “I think about kissing you,” he leans in so that his lips brush against my jaw. 

“I think about touching you, but most times I just think about being with you. Getting to hold you like you’re mine,”

I can’t hold back the sigh that escapes my lips when his mouth travels down my neck. He’s barely touching me aside from his fingers softly cradling my neck. This is everything I’ve wanted. It’s everything I’ve denied myself to think about since I was sixteen. And it’s happening in the middle of my kitchen like it’s the most normal thing in the world. Jay is far from normal. He’d left my little world of ordinary years ago, but right while he touches me like there’s nothing else he’d rather be doing, it’s like he’s back with me. It’s like I don’t have to try just to get a minute of his time. But how long will it last? Tomorrow he’ll still be Jay Park. He’ll still have the same responsibilities that kept him away all this time. We’re holding on tight to the thinning threads of our friendship as it is now, any more than this would decimate.

 I pull away. My arms cross between us as I look down at the tiles under my bare feet. “You should go,”

“Y/n,”

“We’re not doing this. If you think you’re going to just come in here and say all the right shit just because you didn’t have enough time to find someone to fill your bed,” I trail off not able to finish. Everything else gets stuck in my throat, choked off by emotion. I could lose him. Everything I’ve been holding onto just to keep him in my life would come to a screeching halt the minute this went wrong. I’m not willing to risk it just because our bodies want more than our hearts are capable of giving. 

“Y/n, you know it’s not like that,”

“Well then what is it, Jay. Why now?”

“Look at me,” I immediately meet his eyes. I’ve always been able to tell when he’s keeping stuff from me. For one, Jay has never been one to lie. He’s too blunt, too straightforward to see the point in not telling the truth. When it comes down to it, I trust his eyes more than anything else in the world.  Right now there’s nothing but sincerity. I have no choice but  to believe him. His hands come out and settle on each hip. 

“I’m obsessed with you, Y/n. I have been since I was fifteen years old. I’m tired of trying to think of reasons why we shouldn’t,” 

“It’s going to ruin our friendship,” I whisper. 

“Good,” 

The single word is followed by the sound of his lips crashing against mine. I’ve written about what it would be like to kiss Jay a dozen different times when I was a kid. I’d thought about what his arms would feel like wrapped around my waist. I’ve wanted to touch his body like it belongs to me years after he’d stopped being that kid who teased me every chance he got. 

His tongue swipes against my bottom lip. It’s too much and not enough all at once. My hands grip at formerly coifed hair, pulling my fingers through the ends. 

“More,” I moan against his mouth. His hands grip at my ass, pulling me right against him. When we’re so close together that there’s nowhere else to go, he grips my thighs and hoists me against his waist. Turning, he sets me down on my kitchen counter. All without breaking his mouth away. His hands tunnel through my hair like he’s holding me still so he can taste me exactly how he wants. I lock my legs around his waist, pulling him tight against my body. 

This is the kind of kiss that starts wars. This is the reason Helen of Troy is so popular. She held so much power, enough to take down nations. That’s kind of how I feel; like I’m conquering ancient Rome, and Greece, and all the Spanish and French territories. I feel like I’m flying. I feel like I’ve won. And it’s all because of the man in front of me. 

“Jay,” he tilts my head back so that he can get to my neck. His teeth graze over my skin, followed by his tongue. He sucks at my skin, alternating between harder and softer pulls. As good as this feels, I want more. I’ve waited so long. 

“Jay,” I say again. I move my hips, grinding against him. 

“Tell me what you want, baby,”

“Touch me,” I say. “I need you,”

He curses quietly. His lips come back to mine and it’s softer like he’s trying to hold himself back. He’s hesitating, something I don’t see him do too often. “There’s no going back from this in the morning, Y/n,” he moves my hair out of my face. 

“I know,” I tell him. I run my hands up his sides, lifting the white T-shirt with my movements. Each inch reveals more of his body. The tattoos, the muscle, the low slung jeans around his hips, it does nothing but spur me on. I graze my nails over his skin softly. Looking up at him, I reach down between the front of his boxers. Jay sucks in a sharp breathe the minute my skin touches his. He feels so soft, like silk almost. My hand works over him. Closing my eyes I imagine what it would be like for him to slide into me. And there’s nothing I want more right now. 

“You’re sure?” He asks quietly. His thumb grazes my cheek as he looks at me.

I don’t answer him, instead I reach into his back pocket to pull out his wallet. I open it up, grabbing the condom that I’m sure he keeps there for situations like these when he can’t stand the wait anymore. I hand it off to him. He looks at me for a long time, like he’s searching for a crack. He knows me more than anyone else in the world. He’d be able to tell if I’m not completely down for it. When his mouth comes back down on mine, I feel just how much he wants me too. His hands push at the band of my sweats pushing them off of my hips. I kick them to the floor,and wrap my legs back around his waist. My fingers push at his own sweats, taking his boxers down with them. I want to see him, to finally see what I’ve been coveting since as long as I could remember. He doesn’t let me. His mouth stays glued to my skin. If it’s not my lips, it’s my chin, my jaw, down my neck and back up. His fingers work over himself, securing the protection in place before one settles on my hip again. The other touches the junction of my thighs, pushing my legs further apart. He curls it around my legs as hips move forward. He slides slowly into me. A dragging that I feel down to my bones. I wrap my arms around his neck, drawing him closer. 

I’ve always liked sex. I’ve mostly had halfway decent experiences, but right now while he stands still hardly moving an inch, it’s clear that I’ve never felt like this before. I can blame it on the fact that I’m 100% comfortable with who I’m with. I can say that it’s because I know what this is, but the truth is I don’t. It’s about how I feel about Jay. The way he draws goosebumps to my skin, the soft way he holds my hip while he moves against me. It’s the way he drops his head to my shoulder, cursing through his clenched teeth. It’s the way that I already know his body. He’s holding back, I can feel it in the rigid way his muscles contract like they’re trying their best not to extend fully. But I want it all. I want him to grab me too roughly, to hold me too tightly, to show me the parts of him I’ve been dying to see. 

“Give me more, Jay,” I breathe against the side of his neck. “Don’t hold back,”

A hand slides behind me on the small of my back as to hold me in place. His hips pump faster drawing out a loud moan from my lips. I throw my head back against the cabinet door above me. This feels too good, it’s too potent. He squeezes at my bare thigh as his hips move against mine. 

“You feel amazing,” he tells me. I move with him, trying to get as close as possible. He leans back, looking down at where we connect. He shifts his hands to curl around my hip. His thumbs move down to rub against me. I call out his name, feeling my body react to how he moves against me. I feel myself tighten around him, and I can feel him seem to get harder. His hips slow against mine into a maddening languid pace until he pulls out. I’m about to protest, but he lifts my hips and places me back on my feet. He spins me quickly so that I’m bent over the counter., the air hitting my bare ass. He uses a foot to nudge my legs apart before falling back into me. A hand strokes from my hip down to my thigh. He grips it in his hand drawing it up against the counter. I’m begging now, for what I’m not sure. All I know is that this position is far more than I can handle. My bones and my skin feels like jelly. I’m not even holding myself up. The edge of the counter presses painfully into my stomach. Each time Jay’s hips hit me from behind, I slams against the counter. Still, I can’t get enough. I don’t think I’ll ever get enough of this.

He whispers in my ear, how tight I am and how hard he’s going to cum. I already knew he had a dirty mouth, but I’m finding just how obscene he can be.

 “Cum for me,” he says. His voice has gone hoarse and deeper. His fingers reach around to stroke me while his hips move against me. I feel his mouth against my neck, sucking at my skin. 

It’s when he turns my head roughly to the side to take my lips again, while one of his hands  palms my breast under my t-shirt I feel myself start to quiver. When I finally give in, I’m shaking so hard, that Jay has to use his arms to keep me upright. He falls against me only a few seconds later, breathing heavily into my ear. I struggle to draw air into my lungs, still I can’t remember a time I’ve been this thoroughly fucked. Nor can I remember a time we’re I’ve been so completely satisfied. I’m sore and achy. There’s bound to be bruising on my hips, my ass, my stomach where the counter pressed painfully, but a part of me is eager for them to materialize if only because they’ll stay around longer than Jay will. 

He pulls out, taking care of the condom behind me. A few seconds later, a hand on my shoulder spins me around. His hair is a mess, sticking up in places where I’d pulled to hard. There’s a sly smile on his face that tells me nothings changed. He’s still my best friend who knows too much about me and gets on my nerves a little bit sometimes. He pulls his lip between his teeth, looking down at me. 

“You look terrible,” he says. 

I laugh, rolling my eyes at him. The more he looks at me, the more aware I become to the fact that I’m naked from the waist down. I move to slide past him but he grabs me. His hands grip my bare thighs, hoisting me up against his waist. The arrogance has disappeared. Now all that’s left is tenderness in its place.His hand smooths my hair away from my face. His thumb swipes across my bottom lip, pulling it down. He looks at me like he’s seeing me for the first time. Maybe it’s because he’s finally seeing me look at him the way I always have. I expected to feel different, to feel like I made some huge mistake that there’s no going back from.

“I can see you overthinking,” he smiles at me. “Don’t do that thing where you pull away from people when things get to heavy,”

I shake my head at him. “I’m just thinking about how I’ll disinfect this counter,”

He laughs pulling my lips back against his in a soft kiss. Don’t get used to it, I remind myself. I hardly see him as it is. I can’t imagine getting my hopes up and having it affect our relationship. He walks slowly, carrying me to my bedroom. He stops, gently sitting me in the middle of my mattress. 

“Don’t move,” he tells me before disappearing into my bathroom. I obey, using my elbows to hold me up while I wait.When he comes back, there’s a wet washcloth in his hand. He climbs in bed beside me. His hands push at my thighs to open. The hot clothes comes down on my skin as he gently wipes away any traces of what we’ve done. When he’s finished, he drapes the towel on my dresser and pulls out a draw. He pulls out a pair of cotton blue under and come back over again. Silently, he pulls them on leg by leg when my underwear is on, he dips his head to place a quick kiss on my stomach.

 He climbs up further into my bed, pulling the duvet back so he can lay. “Come here, y/n,”

I slide beside him into the waiting open space. When his arms come around me, I close my eyes. He’s warm, and soft, but he feels like man and sin and everything I shouldn’t be feeling right now. I feel his lips press against my forehead and for a little while I don’t think. I’m happy, I’m contented. I’m in the arms of my best friend, the safest place in the world. 

[defunctblogtobedeleted]

4/18/17 6:36am - changes

God DAYUM it’s fucking gorgeous outside right now. I could get ussssed to this.

So obviously I didn’t find time to catch up while I was at Dar’s this weekend. Ended up grinding another like 15 hours of BOTW and got a fuckton of sleep and ate a quart of ice cream. it was spectacular.

General update - Dieting had a relapse this weekend for easter, but I hit another benchmark when I weighed in on Friday. 139.8! Finallllly cracked that mark. Gained back up to 144.8 this weekend but that’s just food weight. I’m fucking pumped! Only gotta get down to like 135 and then I can gain back up to where I am now and it’ll be fucking perfect. I look beautiful. My hair lightened up a little at the beach, too, pretty gorgeous lol. Smoking a lot these past two weeks though. Gotta take better care of my teeth to make up for all the candy too. 

So I guess I’ll start with work. Tony dropped a bomb on me two weeks ago that they were moving forward with the Burlington location and that I would be moving there, possibly permanently. Much to my chagrin if I want to drive to work from home I now have an hour long commute, and no pay raise, AND my work days are switching to Thursday, Friday, Saturday. It blows. Went into a little mini depression that my social life was ending, had to cancel a bunch of weekend plans coming up, and fretting about all the gas money I’m gonna be spending and shit. It sucks. I’m at least trying to get compensated for my gas, hopefully for my commute to work, too. That would be fucking sweet. And working alone will be p cool too, hopefully the office will be isolated enough from the patients that I can get a cube setup in there and grind out some solo practice.

But tbh I’ve been kinda taking it easy from melee the past three weeks. This thursday I didn’t even go to the tournament because I slept through it lmao. The week before was sweet though, played dubz with Slip and pocketed $25 for winning the tournament. Money in the bank, pimpin ain’t easy. Then Saturday I played a little mini tourney at Chi’s and me and Jimmy tied for first in a teams round robin. Got kinda bodied in singles though, Had a decently close set with Chi that I flubbed. But really I’ve been focusing on BOTW it’s no skin off my back. Kinda happy to have the break for my hands.

Anyway so I’m fretting about this job change when Ashleigh hits me up out of nowhere. She had been catching up on my blog (shouts out) and wanted to hang out. So friday we went on like a friend date kinda deal, I met her new guy, we got these delicious tacos, played some Magic, and hit up Boxcar. Wish the gun for House of the Dead 2 hadn’t been broken, would’ve loved to kick the shit out of that game again. And then like a deus ex machina, we’re chatting about work and shit, I mention this job change, and she says that I’m welcome to crash on her pullout couch any time I have work. Fucking amazing, at least the commute will only be 30 mins instead of 60. And I’ll get to hang out in gboro more, too. Excited for a change in scenery.

This date I had for that night (herpes girl) flaked, which was perfect because I forgot it was board game night, and I stayed up late hanging out w/ Broscious and Jonny and Irene and Joe. Pretty excellent. Wish broscious had gotten high with me but so it goes lmaooo. one day.

So I went on a date with the herpes girl saturday after the chi tournament instead. (probably played worse since I was trying to dip to see her too lmaoo) Probably shouldn’t keep calling her herpes girl but it really doesn’t matter. She was supppper nice, and we got along kinda well, but we had like Noooothing in common. Outdoorsy type vs me. I was getting this weird vibe from her fairy sleeve tattoo, like it was some kind of message. Looked just like something Darlin would have in her house, but reminded me of my mom lol. Idk so she was nice and all, and her body was rockin, but she had this butterface of an old lady I swear it was so weird lol. We smoked and watched some rick and morty and played some botw but she couldn’t do anything with a controller to save her life. Said she liked the show a ton and wanted ot keep binging it, but it kept bothering me that she was like laughing at the wrong times and shit. Like she didn’t get the jokes or something but knew it was humorous hahaha. So we like made out a little that night and I got to second base and nothing more like we had agreed, and it’s probably all for the best tbh.

Anyway it made me realize that I’m done dating for a bit. I’m sick of trying to meet people and catch them up with my nerdy shit. I don’t want to binge rick and morty again, I want to jump into shouting in jokes at each other lol. I don’t have the patience for it anymore. So I’m just taking a break. Especially while I have the chance to get my finances straight (they’re doing excellent) and I don’t have free time on the weekends anymore now anyway. Rip.

Then last sunday I got to chill out with Dan, was pretty great. 

Worked an extra shift Friday to help Jaime and then headed out to Dar and Pa’s. They made me a ton of food, they took me out to sushi, I got to lounge around til monday, it was wonderful. 

So now I’m almost done with BOTW finally. Almost all the armor is upgraded, I’ve got all the shrines, done enough of the side quests to be satisfied enough I think. Might try to do a few more horse things but yeah I’m like getting ready to finish this weekend. In perfect to train up for my last thursday maylay. On 4/20 no less, it’s gonna be sweet. Gonna team with either Ian or Jimmy, too, I’m pumped. 

Jimmy and I talk like all the time about BOTW and dating and shit. I’ve been feeling a little lonely lately, thinking bullshit like I’ve been kinda lacking a best friend, and moping that I really lost that hard when Christina and Manu had to start doing baby stuff, Oliver moved back to Charlotte, and Kailey exited stage left. I guess Jimmy is probably my best friend right now? Maybe just the gang as a collective, but I don’t really Talk to them about stuff with them I just spend the most time with them.  But what hanging out with Ashleigh did was alleviate all of that. I feel great, my friends care a fuckton about me and I care a fuckton about them. She said she wanted to do good on promising to buy me drinks and make me feel pretty and goddamn did she ever lol. Nice that things weren’t awkward at all now that we’re just friends, really excited to spend more time with her.

Ok whew I feel like I just shotgunned all my thoughts hopefully I got everything. Working in burlington should be weird, dunno when I’ll update next but you’ll hear from me when ya hear from me.

Oh and I talked to Tessa on Easter w/ dar on facetime. She’s doing this crazy ass coconut diet, hasn’t eaten real food in like a month. Made me feel like a fucking baby that whenever I smoked the past week and a half I started feeling horrified like I was starving to death. I’d start feeling my wrist and be like “OMG IS IT SUPPOSED to BE THIS BONY??” and just get in my head until I went out and ate something lmao.

But I feel really content rn. Super satisfied even though things are taking a not-too-sharp right turn. Super satisfied with myself even though I’m not chasing tail. Reeeally excited to finally finish my game and start training to kick some ass at melee again. Gotta get some more combo vid material before the season’s over, I’ve got some dubz shit that’s gonna go in that’s pretty fucking fire. 

Anyway, peace. Gonna enjoy this second weekend with a snap and some BOTW. 

[defunctblogtobedeleted]

1/14/17, 5:41am - can’t sleep

too much stuff on my mind. and a bit of a headache. I know I said I’d quit this thing, but I can’t. but as far as I’m concerned, if I’m going to cop out of that I’m at least going to swear off the kiss-and-tell braggadocio though. And tone down the negative vibe. 

This aboutta be some feelgood shit up in here. 

I mean not everything’s going great. To be totally honest I still have literally no idea how this financial situation is going to work out. But I’m sure it will.

But my friends have been so good to me. I love them all so much.

Need to start with the excellent gourmet kingdom dinner that I went out to with the smash fam on wednesday. Lucas, Corey, Dylan, Patricio, Clem, Jwilli, Spencer all treated me. Fuck I hope I’m not forgetting someone lmao. I know I’m forgetting like one or two mofukkas. I wasn’t going to go ofc, but since I wasn’t going to go because money was tight they offered to pay for my meal and I reluctantly accepted.  [as much as i’d do it for anyone, I still feel a little bothered accepting these kinds of gifts from my friends. I don’t really feel like I can’t take care of myself or something, I just feel like I... shouldn’t. Because if I can’t plan on coming out of my own financial problems how can I plan on paying them back and how can I accept a gift in the first place then?]

Thursday I got to team with Ian, and it was some of the most fun I’ve ever had playing in tournament. We DOMINATED the winners bracket of that tournament. only lost one game and had some of the filthiest combos I’ve ever seen in my life. Just got cold waiting for grands and didn’t play as well. Was so much fun though, really made me happy to have poured so much time into practicing. Just gotta keep doing better.

After the tournament a whole ton of people came over to my place to play for the night. Can’t even get into it but it was great. in all I played from 4pm until 6am and only stopped because I got a splitting headache and felt like I was going to die finally hahahah... Probably should have gotten some dinner or somethnig lmao.

I was supposed to try to play with Kevin today, but instead I spent the day with Weilin. Him and a few people had crashed at my place, so we went on a mini road trip to take Decker back to greensboro. We spent a little time trying to get his phone fixed, spent some time trying to find me new pants, ate some delicious gyros and had a long car talk about hentai and the pursuit of happiness and financial goals and life and melee and everything, man. So glad that happened. 

We met up with Arun, Arvind, Irene, and Broscious to eat at Bali Hai and do an escape room out at durham. Got a huge ass plate of meat thanks to weilin covering for me, and had a great time solving the 90′s themed puzzles with the gang. We tore it up, too. Only got stumped by a cd in a book and a madonna song hahaha. Those guys are all some smart motherfuckers, I’ll tell ya whattt. And while we waited for this safe to unlock me and Broscious got to slam down some Pogs and mostly just slap them around on a table hahahahaha. I was supposed to go to a party tonight that my old pokemon go team was throwing to celebrate Kelly turning level 40, but there was no way I was gonna pull myself away from those guys for anything. We spent a couple hours playing board games and talking/gossipping/catching up and getting cookout. Excited as fuck to do it again tomorrow.

But the real reason I’m writing this post is because Irene wanted us to do this neat little thing that was admittedly a little lame but amazingly feelgood and really made me happy. I think she called it a compliment circle, where we all had to think of at least a compliment for each other, and we took turns doing whatever the opposite of a roast is. I really don’t want to forget any of the things that they said, because it’s not often that people go out of their way to give you honest totally-for-nothing compliments, yknow? They’re not verbatim because my short term memory sucks, but I’ll do my best here.

“You’re the best.” “you have a beautiful smile and jaw structure and face and eyes and you’re just a great looking dude and if I were a chick I’d date you and if you were a chick I’d date you, and if we both were chicks I’d date you.” “it seems like you always have a lot of things messing with your life, but despite that you’re always a great person to be around. you never seem to let things get to you and you always have a smile on your face and you’re never a downer.” “you do a lot of things for your friends and the melee community and just people in general. you never really seem to expect anything in return and I don’t think that gets brought up much.” “You make me push myself to be better.” “I like your nose” (weird. broscious, you don’t read my blog, do you??) “you’ve got a really warm personality and do a really great job of including everyone when you try to talk to them and like in the puzzle room.” “You’re always there for me, even at times when nobody else was.”

goddamn, man. I don’t even care if it’s narcissistic to put those down here. I have to put them Somewhere. Literally shed a tear writing them down, I feel so good about all that shit. It really couldn’t have come at a better time with everything hitting the fan and all of my self image issues recently. Maybe they knew that. 

What I didn’t think to tell them then was that it’s friends like them and everyone I hung out this week and everyone in my life that cares about me still that make my life so happy in the first place. It’s like... when I finally get to be in a room with people I know and can enjoy their company it’s like all the bullshit that exists outside just isn’t important anymore. Relaxing by talking and playing games is so fucking wonderful.

Speaking of my issues again, might as well follow up on new years goals and self improvement stuff.

Feeling much better about my teeth. Got my cavities filled (I had fucking TEN), got my teeth cleaned for the first time in years, I’ve finally got this image out of my head that my crowned tooth looks dead. Forreal, idk if it was the cleaning, or just talking to the dentist about whether they think it matches and then thinking about it, or what the deal is, but I Swear ever since I decided it wasn’t worth having my crown replaced again it’s looked better. Matches color better and more consistently, doesn’t look off balanced, I just look good. I really want to blame it on the cleaning but maybe it really was just a mental thing... Idk. I’m just happy my teeth are finally healthy, holy shit thinking about my mouth too hard the past couple years has been horrifying. Right now my gums hurt because I flossed for the first time in forever. Might be why I can’t sleep, but starting good habits.

Don’t know what’s up with my weight, haven’t been keeping track of that yet.

Have been doing Great about drinking water. Have only drank soda on a few occasions at all, back to living on powdered lemonade like I said I would. Probably should still be drinking more, but off to a great start. Still haven’t been on reddit since the new year (though I don’t think I wrote this resolution down), but still passively start to type it in the search bar sometimes. Shit’s difficult. Progress on my septum is put on hold for now, family doctor is waiting to refer me until I have a followup visit with them about my lab work. Supposedly I had “small red blood cells” so like either dehydration or anemia. Probably both lolll. Hopefully not something more serious, but who knows. Been taking a multivitamin daily. Been spending less money lmaoooo.  Haven’t been cooking for myself the past few days but DID start doing that finally. Just gotta keep it up.  Still no good on exercise. Still haven’t bought a pack of cigarettes. Smoking a lot of that pipe tobacco, but it definitely doesn’t make me feel cravings like cigs do. Pretty great there.  Started goofing around on tinder again just to get that out of the way. Got a few matches, but I’ve been sandbagging this game really hard lol. e.g. I’ve been a lottt more picky about who I swipe, way too detailed about how nerdy I am in my profile, and not playing with it all that much tbh. I.e. doing all the things that are probably healthier dating habits but are def not anything close to how you need to play tinder to be successful from what I’ve ever experienced. That being said I’ve already partially rediscovered my hatred for it and think it’s a waste of time, but whatever. Not entirely motivated to meet new people right now anyway, so even if I’m not exactly happy to be swiping through a couple dozen people without matching I’m definitely not let down either. It just doesn’t feel like the right time for me, and also I totally wouldn’t have money for dates now that I think about it lmaoo. Last thing I’m gonna mention is that I haven’t been fucking with my fingers nearly as much. Just lost my week-or-so streak I was on, fidgeting in the car today, but def doing a lot better.

Everything’s doing a lot better. I’m still totally fucked, but I feel pretty great and I’m doing pretty great and everything’s going to be even more great soon enough.

#pogchamp [6:52am. never gonna sleep oh god rip hahaha]