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anexperimentallife · 1 year ago

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So we had to report someone after they posted a picture of El and me along with a long, totally unhinged (and wildly inaccurate) rant, @'d @thesurestthing and me, and sent dms to both of us, both the post and dms being about what horrible people we all are, how disabled people are just lazy, how anyone who has to ask for help after being hit with too many unexpected emergencies in a row is a terrible lazy person, that interracial relationships are bad, how I'm going to die soon, etc...

Oh, and how they they HOPE Zoey and El suffer for the rest of their lives after I'm gone, and how Zoey will be begging for help forever because she's useless.

So... Monday here.

Also, they claim Zoey is just my girlfriend (she's my wife), they didn't know she's from the US, and opine that it's my fault my youngest son died in his twenties of pneumonia (which according to them he did to himself--while I was a thousand miles away--but it's somehow still my fault) and my fault that my older son shot himself after refusing attempt after attempt from myself and others to get him to accept help for his bipolar disorder. So yeah, thanks for using the deaths of my sons to attack me. Shows a lot of class.

Also, they claim Zoey is a terrible mother, has no drive, and no skills (despite her being an excellent mother, earning a college degree while she was still in high school, and despite ONE of the reasons we're going back--in addition to me needing medical treatment--being for her to work and get a higher degree), and apparently we should both be working here even though we're not legally allowed to (because, again, disabled people are just lazy and we should also risk imprisonment, because THAT would be responsible)?

Somehow, they're also very concerned for Zoey and El despite outright saying they HOPE El and Zoey suffer?

Just completely off the rails, unhinged ranting.

They didn't even get the timeline right. I was autistic with ADHD and head and spine injuries before we found out (during the Philippines STRICT lockdown) that we were having a baby, and at that point I'd just gotten contracted for the licensing fee, which we had every reason to believe (based on the longevity of the company's other properties) that it would gp on for basically as long as I was game m--so it LOOKED like smooth sailing ahead. (That contract was the only reason we stopped being so careful to avoid pregnancy, too.)

So yes, I was disabled when we got pregnant with El, but in a stable way at that point. It wasn't until AFTER we found out about the pregnancy that I got covid three times that my health started scarily declining. THAT was when all the scary stuff with my eye and heart and feet and face started. But apparently we're horrible for... not knowing that was going to happen?

Thing is, if the company that was paying me a licensing fee to turn my first-sold story into a game hadn't canceled the project one year in with zero notice (while we were still paying for El's birth), if El hadn't had a mistake on her birth certificate that left her stateless and took almost two years to resolve, and if I hadn't gotten COVID three times, we'd be okay financially. We wouldn't have had to ask for help with El's legal stuff or my medical bills, and we wouldn't have to be asking for help now.

Of course, we're the only people they follow, and that's their only post, so they obviously made the blog just for this purpose. I think I know who it is, but I can't prove it, so oh, well. Took screen shots in case receipts are needed later, but since it's obviously a throwaway account, it would be pointless to @ them here.

(Oh, apparently we're also bad people for being... liberals? LOL We're leftists, man. Liberals are more conservative than we are.)

Like I said, pretty sure I know who it is, and they probably hate-follow us from another account anyway, but, y'know, they're too cowardly to show themselves. So hi. Go to therapy.

Yeah. Fun stuff.

Anyway, if you'd like to help us all get back to the US so I can use my benefits to get the medical treatment I need (which, again, is needed as a result of me getting covid 3X AFTER we found out we were having El), please see my pinned post.

#uncle rob gets personal

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iwrite0 · 1 year ago

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How to exist as me

How do I exist as an autistic person without feeling guilty,

I know that unlike a lot of people i got the privilege of being diagnosed before becoming an adult but it was really late nonetheless. Even so,

I've not been treated the way any other person would be with autism, having to follow a script penned by neurotypicals all the time is hard and draining I constantly feel like i have no energy to do anything at all after as much as an hour at the store.

I've been told more times that I can count " It's not your fault you have a hart time unmasking "

but I feel as if cant be accepted by my community if i cant unmask,

I know in some part of me that I'm allowed to feel venerable and that I deserve to have people around me that can both see and acknowledge my struggles as a disabled person,

but to be told "your not autistic" because I don't act the way a 10 year old autistic boy does feels so unfair.

I grew up always changing the way acted to be seen and treated as human, so its hard trying to undo all of that.

"learning how to be 'unapologetically' you" Seems imposable, learning how to be my own person, rather than conforming to the behaviors and standards set by people who are simply not like me and don't understand why its so hard.

Growing up with an unaccommodated disability has left a scar in so many ways, and trying to heal isn't easy. I've grown up trying to protect myself from the inherent discrimination shown to me.

I do not "have autism" I don't "suffer from autism"

I'm autistic

Maybe its silly but its this type of treatment is what has sent me into relapses living in a world where nothing is made for you be it my epilepsy, being diabetic but especially being autistic. It feels like nothing is in my control, be it: the way public education is or how inaccessible the 'real world' is.

Not being in control of you body is scary and stressful weather it be because of a seizure, being overstimulated, or feeling like my body is about to shut down because my sugars are low its scary.

Feeling my body shake and not knowing if its because its too hot or if its my blood sugar, its caused me so much mental pain and put me in many depressive episodes of which I blatantly refused to take care of myself as a means of self destruction.

Being able to control something feels helpful, even if that one thing you can control is burring your skin off. Its a form of pain I feel an unhealthy amount of comfort in. Even so getting high until I cant remember where I am is better than being hyper aware of everything around me. The unbelievable amount of trauma I've endured is only adding to the fact.

When the help you need is so inaccessible what am I meant to do, when a system that is meant to help you is built to help you seems to work against you, or has failed you so many time what is it I'm meant to do?

what is there left for me to do?

#autism acceptance #neurodivergent #epilepsy #type 1 diabetic

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smallblanketfort · 1 year ago

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i wish i were better at this. the whole thing. waking up in the morning. focus. keeping up with the dog’s shed. holding hands in public, no, being the one who reaches first. new friends. better at slinging off the fog of tired. i am crawling upside down. a crunched jaw. am i eating enough? sleeping enough? resting enough? moving enough to complete my body’s threat cycle? honest enough? do i garden enough? am i ambitious enough? do i slow enough? making enough? completing enough? pushing myself enough? finding joy enough? when i refused to call myself an artist, i was more shy, but now i am more disappointed. it’s the month i was born, and i had written it down: don’t postpone joy this time. every movement a celebration of every movement. a breath of celebration. embrace color, love, acceptance. my therapist says i’m so self aware it’s incredible to watch. and i sleep every moment i get the chance. some mornings i am convinced i have experienced all that i need to. content to a fault. i can’t wring the sea foam from my muscles. disappointment and all. if i can’t flail my arms at home is it really home? i have to move. i am asleep, no dreaming, and apologizing- this isn’t who i really am, is it. hushing my dog’s whines. this morning i woke up and i planted flower seeds shaped like a snail’s shell. i visited a perfect apartment, all windows, a black cat’s nose pressed to the screen. slept all afternoon, wake, heavy, but lingering. i let the world hold me when i cannot hold it. i let the barista choose my drink, and it’s perfect. the moon intercepts the sun rays, and it’s perfect. a father teaches his son fighting moves in the coffee shop and brings him to his knees, and we are all giggling, so it’s perfect. a man leaves his small red car to take a photo of my bumper stickers and send it to someone, smiling, it’s perfect. i sit at the sidewalk table and every person who walks past meets my eyes, and they wear cool shoes, and that’s perfect. my dog sniffs at a postwoman with a gray mohawk, and we are all so perfect. one thing about feeling depressed is that you are allowed to feel depressed anywhere. you can bedrot in a good outfit outside the coffee shop, in the middle of a park, with your dog. let the earth become you, peel back the layers of cloudiness for moments of perfection, moments perfect just because you were there to witness it. it helps.

-mouse

#mine

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thedulcet-lingers · 2 years ago

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Tw: sexual assault

I was 13, only 13 when you, a 17 year old dragged me across the stairs and pushed me to the wall and told me to shut up and let you do your thing. When I refused, you told me that I'm abnormal and this is what all girls my age do so why do I have a problem?

I have a problem because you didn't let me make my own choice.

I have a problem because no didn't mean no when I said it.

I have a problem because those 10 minutes that you probably didn't even think about ever again, impacted my life in ways I can't even comprehend. It started off with me feeling ashamed and not being able to open up to anyone, I let society get the best of me and thought that it was my fault somehow. This is exactly what you wanted me to think, everybody did, this is how women are conditioned to think. I even continued talking to you where each time you convinced me that I overreated and I agreed.

A few years later, however, I broke free of what society wanted me to be, of what they wanted me to think, especially when it came to you. I started opening up about it, I didn't allow you to be a part of my life anymore and I addressed you as what you were, an abuser, whenever your name came up in a conversation. I didn't feel any guilt anymore and to this day I don't but I also genuinely thought I moved on from it but I was wrong.

I have trouble opening up myself up to romantic relationships, I don't know how to form a physical connection with anyone unless I'm intoxicated and won't largely remember it the next day. This even led to a phase in my life when I was 18 to constantly get drunk and try to do things I'm not proud of. I lost touch with myself, I was angry and confused all the time and I just didn't know how to chnage. I labelled myself as abnormal, I couldn't get close to anyone even if I really wanted to. I was alone even when I didn't have to be. I hurt myself and I hurt others.

When I was 13, I probably didn't have to know what physical intimacy was, I didn't need it to have a meaning for me, I was supposed to figure that out slowly as a grew up with care and consent. You, however, made me associate words with intimacy at that little age. Those words were 'shame', 'disgust' and many other negative adjectives that shouldn't be what anyone associates with the feeling, at any age.

I try very hard to change this but it seems impossible and to this day I struggle. There were similar incidents in my life that took place after I was 18 that made my condition even worse but I would've been better equipped at that age to handle these situations or even be in them at all but what you did, when I was just 13, you changed the course of my life. I was just a little girl, hoping to eventually find love in my life, to experience the beautiful feeling of intimacy and to live a wonderful life but even at the times I came close to that love, that intimacy and that feeling of wonderfulness, I rejected it. I couldn't accept it no matter how hard I tried and you probably don't know how it feels to want something so much but to still push it away, not understanding why, not having any control over it.

You will probably never understand the struggles I faced because of those 10 minutes with you, or even know about them but what I can tell you with assurity is that I will get over this, I will get over everything you made me feel, I will overcome every problem that the incident has since caused me. Whether you intended it or not, I will not let you hurt me any longer. One day, I will give myself everything I wanted when I was little, everything that you took away from me.

You're horrible, you truly are but my life will no longer be.

---

I found this in my notes app from 2 years ago and the positivity at the end shocked me because I don't feel that way right now

I remember writing this helped me heal quite a bit but it was one of those rare moments I let myself think about this and I'm starting to think that maybe I should write more of these and let myself address it so that I can move forward, if that's ever possible?

#tw

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c0rpseductor · 7 months ago

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bluh

it's just so frustrating. i know a lot of it is my own fault because i refuse to lean on people i know on an intellectual level are trustworthy, reliable, emotionally available and want to be there for me. it's just like...idk. i don't want to. i feel terribly lonely stuck with trauma stuff especially and forcing myself to try to go it alone and only really allowing myself to like, talk to myself on tumblr.net, but like

idk. i just hate that the alternative is not only feeling like and potentially Genuinely Being a burden or imposition, but that the alternative means having to be vulnerable and accepting the risk that someone might hurt my feelings while i'm upset or just not have the ability to listen or might just not give a damn.

and it's kind of like, i'm starting to feel sometimes like it's just been wrong of me to directly tell people about my issues and traumas and lean on them when that's what a therapist ought to be for. like part of me severely regrets having discussed my abuse and flashbacks and all that kind of stuff with my friends. like who wants or needs to hear that? what is the point of inflicting that on others or seeking their help? like, you don't come to your friends when you have a broken leg, you go to the fucking doctor. so why have i been whining to them about my ptsd instead of just shutting up and going to therapy, or better yet just shutting up period.

i know some of this is like. deranged triggered while migraine thinking. i would encourage you not to take it too seriously or deem it worthy of response. i just like, idk. i feel lonely a lot all the time, like it's harder and harder to reach out to my friends even just to chat, and harder to care about anything in my life at all, and everything sucks, but i still kind of wish i could just shrink into myself and vanish and just sleep for a few months

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myl8twenties · 1 year ago

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The faults… let’s list them.

Firstly this fucking break up, you have never in a single day taken responsibility for anything. How about thinking about the other person and what they went through instead of how stressed you are???? Literally only thing that goes through your mind is yourself

Now let’s start from the top…

You were so terribly rude about my school and my appearance, you thought I was ugly. Sorry but have you ever looked at how far you are? Or the insecure way you walk or talk?

Also the conversation was never fun, the first night we met I was disappointed, I thought okay he’s actually a dud… then I kept pushing it.

But you are not smart, you are not witty or a good banterer. I fall asleep every time we talk because it’s just about you and your self. Every time we went into a store you loved when the sales reps gave you attention. You are always dying for attention, yet you never look up to say I look good. Because you’re so used to me doting on you.

I have so many interesting and intelligent thoughts and you can never keep up, they don’t even strike you. If we were to get married I’d have to keep the wit to myself because you can’t share the attention. It’s always about you, you can’t think anyone else ever could be witty. Also you are allowed to have all the meltdowns in the world and I am there for you, but if I ever make a single mistake or need help it’s either I’m too needy, too annoying or anything. It’s unfair.

Also you smelled bad and had the palette of a child, eating with you was awful. You also never cared if I ate, it was always just your own food. Living with you was miserable, I could not imagine how controlling and awful it would’ve been.

Every time we tried breaking up, you only solved your own problems, never anyone else’s.

Lastly, I think you truly were the most horrible partner. You were selfish and cruel, you used manipulative tactics to with hold love and you only cared about your needs and refused to ever accept mine, even if I begged. I think I keep viewing this as a competition to see who will win but winning is killing me - what did I do to myself when I was winning? I was crying every day, I couldn’t even imagine dating you without a strong group of friends

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fallinto-u · 1 year ago

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I've been through every stage of grief regarding you. There's been times where I even refused to look at the moon. The next moment I was sobbing on the floor because all I wanted was to have you near. I experienced every emotion there is to feel when it came to you. While knowing you but also afterwards. There's a whole range of emotions I couldn't access until recently.

You see, my fear of abandonment was so severe, I couldn't fully allow my anger for example. That would mean losing you. Cause honesty I had lots of reasons to be angry, and to not accept things I wasn't okay with. You probably know the multiple things I'm talking about. In the end I just suppressed my feelings, lots of feelings. It was hard and lonely.

It's been a little while since we stopped talking, and only after that, for the first time I started seeing things from my perspective. I didn't deserve a lot of the things that you put me through. I can finally fully admit and acknowledge that. And that may be a big reason why I'm not so sure about wanting you to be an active part of my life anymore.

But don't get me wrong, this post isn't just about wrongdoings or me seemingly thinking either completely black or white. I still go back in those coping patterns because in the end they do protect me and have helped me get through difficult emotions/times. But right now, I think I have finally found a grey area. I see your faults, I see that it was not okay, yet I still love you. I see the huge amount of good times we've had as well. I am realistic about both and see that's okay. I also know that it's fully my responsibility on what I allow, and where I draw the line when a situation isn't healthy for me.

I thought I had to unlove you to move on but realized that's not always necessary. Truth is, I don't think I ever could anyways. Leaving was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do for myself. I absolutely hated it. But, believe me when I say that I didn't have a choice anymore. There's still moments where I feel incredibly guilty and feel responsible for your happiness, while I left you in a mess.

I miss you, but realize that especially for a while that would not be healthy for either of us. We can't meet each other's needs, we trigger each other and got caught up in toxic patterns. It's as simple, as hard and complicated as that.

Part of me wishes I would one day still be able to speak to you again. But life is not a movie like Before Sunrise or Stuck in love, and maybe our connection can never be healthy. I don't know. We've already tried many times, even with a one year break.

I just know that now I'm learning to treasure my love for you from afar, and hope that you're not giving up on yourself nor forgetting me completely.

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tearsandfairydust · 2 years ago

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I don’t need you to see me anymore.

At this point I have accepted that we aren’t going to work and that’s okay. I have truly exhausted every option to fight for us to work out but I realized I was only fighting with myself because you didn’t care to fight for us too. You didn’t care to hear me out or see me; and God how I have been begging you to for so long. I’m tired of having to beg you to love me properly. If you loved me, I wouldn’t have to beg. I see it clear as day now and I only needed you to continuously do it for me to finally wake up. I allowed so much time for you to help me fix us. I gave you every tool imaginable to learn me. Yet, you still don’t know me. I gave you so much patience, yet, you tell me I gave you none. How when I took all the patience left in my body down to my very bones and I wrapped it in a pretty little bow and I gave myself to you. I changed myself for you. I no longer have interest in allowing myself to be hated by you. I refuse to continue to be your punching bag. I use to love myself before you came along. Then I took all that love and I poured it into you because I believed you were misunderstood and needed it more than I did. I was wrong and I have realized that it is I now that deserves my love. I deserve to be the one who receives my unconditional love. I deserve to allow myself faults and to make mistakes and it’s okay if you don’t because I forgive myself. I don’t need you to forgive me anymore. I don’t need you to validate me anymore. I don’t even need you to see me anymore. I see me, and that will always be enough from now on.

#heartbreak #heartbroken #breakup

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boku-no-anime-phase · 2 months ago

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Years of therapy have taken this show from "almost unbearable" to merely "very grating" for me. I'm not sure if I'm just deeply not getting the Themes or if I'm biased to view events a certain way because of my experiences, but Tohru is like a neverending well of niceness and patience, to her own detriment, like very obviously killing herself for others' convenience, and the way the show and the other characters see and react to that behavior just makes me want to scream.

She takes way too much on herself - the "I can fix him" girl/free therapist of all time - in a way that would actually be really inappropriate and maybe even unwelcome in real life. She refuses to impose on others to the point that she causes them more inconvenience than if she accepted help sometimes. She expresses gratitude even for the abuse she receives, and just allows it to continue. She allows herself to get the short end of the stick over and over and over. I don't think she's actually even capable of standing up for herself or treating her own needs as legitimate, so it's painful watching her burn herself out helping others, knowing that as far as she's concerned, she has no choice. Am I crazy? Am I missing things??

I'm in season 1 still. People told me that she got better and that it got less grating as her backstory is revealed; I don't remember how I felt about that last time I watched this, so I'll be interested to see what happens here.

Maybe I need more therapy, though, because I find myself weirdly unsympathetic to a lot of her backstory, or at least it bothers me how stuff like what she went through produced a girl who's messed up in the ways she's messed up. Maybe this says more about me than it does about her though 😅

Whoops that was a lot more brain dump than intended 😇 I'm sorry for hating on Tohru. It's not her fault. But like WOW why did they make up a girl like that

Rewatching Fruits Basket!!

I forgot what a delight this show is AND how nauseous it makes me AND how much I hate it AND etc etc etc

#fruits basket

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nastybuckybarnes · 4 years ago

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Of Kings and Beasts - Ten

Pairing: King!Bucky X Princess!Reader X King!Steve

Summary: Born a bastard of the King of Orlen, you’re thrust to the West to marry the Kings. However, the greeting you get is anything but warm, and your life with the King is far from enjoyable. He knows it isn’t your fault his husband is gone, but that fact alone won’t prevent him from taking it out on you.

Warnings: Angst, Injuries, Fluff, Language, Violence,

Word Count: 2K

A/n: Okay y’all THANK YOU AGAIN SO MUCH FOR 10K FOLLOWERS IT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MCUH OMG Anyway ahem here is part 10 and I hope you enjoy! We’re gonna have a more intense part coming next but until then, enjoy!

THIS SERIES CONTAINS SMUT AND DARK THEMES THAT MAY BE TRIGGERING TO SOME AUDIENCES!!! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!

Series Masterlist

“We make for Asgard.”

~*~

“You look lovely. The colours of Asgard suit you well,” Thor says, his eyes raking over your figure from behind.

Adorning your body is a soft linen gown, the colour of cream. It is cut low in the front, a style Thor assured you is common in his kingdom, and has many different folds and layers to it, making it flow with every step you take.

The fabric itself is lightweight, and the straps lie thinly on your shoulders. The waistline is decorated with gleaming golden gems and is cinched rather tightly.

Over your shoulders is a dark red cape, the same colour as Thor’s.

Your hair is tied up away from your face intricately and elegantly, and a dainty diamond necklace rests around your neck.

You turn to face him, a deep feeling of unease settling in your stomach.

“What is to happen now?” You wonder aloud, eyes fluttering past his face and around the chambers that he’s deemed to be yours for the time being.

“Now we wait. The kings should be here soon, and then we will inform them of the letter you received. I promise you’ll be safe here, Petal.” He cups your cheeks and you swallow hard, nervous about the change in his attitude towards you.

“Thor?” You ask softly, taking a half-step backward in an attempt at removing yourself from his grip.

He surges forward, one hand dropping from your face to wrap around your waist as his lips crash against yours in a fierce and dominating kiss.

Your heart races in your chest and you shove against his face, trying to force him away from you.

Helplessness fills you as you realize that you’ll never be able to overpower him, and dread settles in your gut as he pushes you back until you’re pressed against the wall.

Your muffled cries for help, for him to stop, fall on deaf ears as his lips continue their assault against yours, prying yours open to give his tongue access to your mouth.

Thinking quick, you grip his bottom lip and bite down as hard as you can, drawing blood and successfully making him pull away from you.

He jumps back, one hand coming up to his mouth while you scramble back and away from him, chest heaving and eyes full of betrayal.

His jaw clenches and he takes a step towards you, only to stop when the doors to your chambers burst open.

“(Y/n)!” A familiar voice calls, two men rushing into the room and searching for you.

The tension in the room is palpable and the two Kings pick up on it instantly, their guards raising as they see the way you’re cowering from the blond King before you.

“Are we interrupting something?” Steve asks, his voice ringing with authority.

“No,” you say quickly, regaining your composure and squaring your shoulders as the words of the Valkyrie ring in your ears.

“Thor was just taking his leave,” you say pointedly, staring the King down for a long moment until he nods, bows then spins on his heel and leaves without a word.

You take a deep breath, power and fear chasing each other through your veins while your heart races in your chest.

“(Y/n), are you alright?” Steve asks softly, taking a step towards you and reaching for your hand. You yank it back towards your body, levelling him with a glare.

“If my purpose was solely to bear children, then why are you here if I failed?” The blond glances over at his husband, unsure of how he should address this.

“It is obviously not a secret. I have been threatened even since my departure, and the truth has been brought to my attention. So I ask again, why are you here?” James takes a careful step towards you, and then another, and another until he is standing just directly in front of you.

You keep your shoulders squared and your head held high, refusing to back down.

“(Y/n), there are things we must tell you... things we have not been completely honest about... things that involve our union, and our actions towards you. Will you allow us time to be honest with you?” You swallow hard but nod, wanting nothing more than the truth after all this time in the dark.

James takes your hand delicately in both of his and ushers you to the bed, sitting down beside you while Steve sits on your other side.

The brunet speaks first.

“We were told... by our council that we needed to find a wife. When they heard of our plans to join the two kingdoms of the North and wed each other... they tried to find any way to stop it. But upon seeing our power they relented until they realized that our reign would end if we did not have a queen.

“They gave us a timeframe to find a queen. One that could give us heirs and continue the lineage of both of us. We were presented with many women but you... you stood out from the many faces we saw.”

You frown, brows drawn together tightly as you ponder this.

“My purpose... right from the beginning was nothing more than what you had told me. What you said was true. What I was told is nothing but the truth,” you whisper to James, fighting back the tears that prick at your eyes.

Steve shakes his head, leaning closer to engage in the conversation. “No. Your purpose was... is to be our wife. A queen to our people and the mother of our children. You are meant to rule alongside us, not be behind or beneath us. You are our equal, although we have not treated you as such.”

You sniffle, shaking your head as if trying to shake your feelings away.

“Why have you treated me the way that you have? Why? What have I done to deserve such hostility?”

The two exchange long glances before James sighs and takes your hand, leading it to the thin scar at the base of his skull.

“Someone has operated on me. Altered me in a way that makes me hostile towards you and Steven. We do not know who, but we know that they are close enough to be near me without raising suspicion. I will never be able to apologize enough for my actions. I have hurt you far more than I ever could have imagined myself capable of. But with the help of doctor Banner, we were hoping to have more clues as to who is responsible for this. However, he is still in quite an unstable condition.”

You swallow hard, this new information having you beyond overwhelmed.

“Who would conspire against you in such a way? Who would have such hatred in their heart for the two of you that they would take it out on me?” The two kings sigh, their hearts heavy and their eyes filled with sadness.

“We do not know. But one thing is certain: we will not rest until we figure out who it is and until they are brought to justice.”

~*~

The two Kings settle in the guest chambers for the night, having insisted that you get your own space and that you are welcome to join them if you feel so inclined.

Your mind is still in shambles, thoughts scattered and emotions all over the continent as you prepare for bed.

A knock on your door pulls you from your thoughts and you softly call for them to enter, your guard raising in an instant.

“How may I help you, Your Majesty?” You ask, jaw clenched tightly.

Thor takes a deep breath then lets it out, pacing slowly around your chambers.

“I stepped very far out of line, (Y/n). I let my emotions get the better of me and I was foolish. I apologize sincerely for my actions.” You watch him with furrowed brows, not sure if you should trust him.

“You have... entranced me. Bewitched me. Your husbands have not treated you fairly and, even in the short time that I've known you, I can tell that you are a woman deserving of the world. And if the world cannot be given to you then you deserve everything in it. And yet here you are, cowering from your own kingdom because they failed to protect you.” You want to interrupt. To tell him that he is not aware of the extent of the trauma that the Kings themselves have faced, but you hold your tongue instead.

“I can only hope that one day you will be able to forgive what has transpired today. For I value your company and your companionship and I would be devastated to lose it in any way. However, I will not blame you if you were to push me away. I was out of line and I allowed myself to be weak in a moment when I should have been strong. You needn’t give me an answer tonight, but I am offering my sincerest apologies. While you are here the Palace is yours. Anything you require will be brought to you promptly.”

He’s quiet for a moment before clearing his throat, his eyes on the ground.

“I bid thee goodnight, and I hope pleasant dreams find you tonight.” He turns to leave and you sigh, shaking your head.

“Thor, wait.” He does, turning back to look at you with those soft blue eyes of his.

“I appreciate and accept your apology. I do not look at you any differently because of what transpired, and I am grateful that you came to explain it. I appreciate your friendship and I am glad to have found solace in you, and it would be a shame to squander it over something so trivial.” He smiles, relief and happiness plain as day on his face.

“Good. Thank you for your understanding, (Y/n). Goodnight.” He leaves without another word and you put your head in your hands, beyond confused and frustrated with the feelings stirring inside of you.

You would be lying if you said that the Asgardian King wasn’t attractive. And he has been a friend in times when you’ve otherwise had none.

Shaking the intrusive thoughts out of your head, you exit your chambers and pad softly down the hall, stopping in front of the chambers that have been set aside for your husbands.

You knock twice, butterflies finding a home in your belly as you wait for one of them to allow you entrance.

The door gets pulled open and James stands in front of you, the formal look on his face dropping to give way to a soft smile.

“May I join the two of you tonight?” You ask quietly, looking between him and Steve. The blond looks on eagerly from his spot on the bed, nodding his head quickly.

“Of course, My love.” You bow your head in thanks and enter the room, oblivious to the eyes following your every move from a dark corner of the hallway.

The door shuts behind you but you continue to the bed, crawling on next to Steve while James extinguishes the lanterns lighting the room.

Steve makes room for you in the centre of the bed, pushing the blankets aside to allow you to get comfortable. James climbs on behind you, waiting until you’re settled to get comfortable himself.

Neither of the Kings touch you. No, they stay a respectable distance away.

“I am not so angry that I will not allow my husbands to embrace me,” you say softly, eyes closed as the events of the day catch up to you.

You’re then being held on either side by strong arms and right then and there, in that very moment, you feel the safest you have ever felt in your life.

#dark!bucky x reader x dark!steve #Stucky x reader #stucky x reader royal au #bucky x reader royal au #Steve Rogers x reader royal au #dark royal au #dark fic #tw dark fic #tw dark content #stucky/reader #Stucky x reader dark fic #stucky x reader dark au

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tennessoui · 4 years ago

Note

You know one of my favorite Star Wars fic tropes? Evil, feral Anakin being horribly mistreated his whole life and hurt, and then being comforted and nursed back to health by Obi-Wan. And instantly imprinting on him, like, in a "I will kill anyone for you" way. Could be any Obi-Wan! Nice Obi-Wan for that sweet sweet hurt/comfort and kisses and turning Anakin from his murderous ways with the power of kindness! Evil Obi-Wan for sweet double trouble action and delicious obsession with each other!!

this is also one of my favorite star wars tropes!!! i love a needlessly protective and feral Anakin who distrusts everyone except for Obi-Wan.

unfortunately. um. this went a little sideways. and there is no being nursed back to health. but there's some delicious obsession and protectiveness and also future mutual obsession so i'm counting the prompt fill as like 3.5 out of 5 stars for following the prompt, which is. let's be honest, higher than most of my prompt fills. this is a bit dark and contains references to mind tricks, but there is no sex or kissing that could be construed as dub con. just like. dub con emotions i guess

(2.2k)

Quinlan has that look in his eyes, as if he’s about to say something that he knows Obi-Wan won’t like.

Carefully, Obi-Wan puts down his cup of tea and laces together his fingers in his lap. He can already feel a seed of anger blooming inside of him. Since Anakin has re-entered his life and the Temple, he’s found that this deep, swirling rage is harder to give to the Force. And easier to feel at a moment’s notice.

Like almost all the differences in his life now, this can be put on Anakin through no fault of the boy’s own.

After all, Obi-Wan thinks to himself, it is much easier to feel this sort of fury at the galaxy’s injustices when living with someone who has suffered most all of the most grievous kinds.

“Just say it, Quinlan.” Obi-Wan says.

Vos clears his throat. “Where is...your charge?”

“My charge,” he repeats, unimpressed. “You know his name.”

“I know both of his names,” Quinlan fires back. “Does he prefer Anakin or Vader?”

The anger inside of him grows larger at the mention of Vader. As if Anakin would ever prefer the name Sidious gave to him. As if he had chosen it for himself.

As if the Jedi had played no part in the birth of Vader.

“Anakin is asleep,” is all Obi-Wan says.

Quinlan makes a show of peering down the hallway of Obi-Wan’s quarters to the two closed bedroom doors. “In whose bed?”

His hands tighten into fists beneath the table. “That is a bold accusation to make.”

“Why?” his old friend’s posture is forcibly casual, slumped in his seat and hand loosely wrapped around his cup. Obi-Wan wonders if this is how he looks when he’s undercover on missions. The thought settles heavily into his stomach and makes him sit up straighter. If this is a mission to Quinlan Vos, then what is his objective? What does he want with Obi-Wan?

With Anakin?

“The boy’s legally allowed to spread his legs for anyone he wants, Obi-Wan. He's nineteen and everything.”

Obi-Wan can feel his teeth grind together. The fury in his chest is building at an alarmingly fast rate. The thought of anyone touching Anakin like that when the boy’s so obviously traumatized and in need of a tender hand--if he were a lesser Jedi, he’d snarl at Vos to leave.

“Any consent Anakin offers anyone would be dubious at best,” he snaps. “He is nineteen, but he has spent the past ten years of his life being tortured and enslaved by Darth Sidious.”

Quinlan narrows his eyes and looks over Obi-Wan’s face. “That’s not your fault,” he finally says quietly, leaning forward as if to grip his arm before he thinks better of it. “Obi-Wan, listen to me. What happened to Anakin is tragic. Awful. Despicable. But it is not your fault.”

Obi-Wan looks away, his jaw clenched tightly before he forces himself to relax. “I only blame myself for not verifying what I was told.”

“Do you blame the Jedi Council then? For sending the boy away?”

“My master begged me to train the boy, Vos. And while I was in the Halls of Healing, they sent him back to Tatooine. And no one ever checked to make sure he got there. Sidious grabbed him because we--because they allowed him to. And then spent ten years torturing and breaking down a child right under our very noses! Who would you blame, Vos?”

“Sidious,” the other man answers easily. “The Council had no way of knowing that Sidious even knew about the boy, that he was in any danger at all--”

“He was nine!” Obi-Wan roars, slamming a fist on the table, unable to swallow the dark, heavy fury anymore. “He was a child. A slave! They were going to send him back there!”

“To his mother!”

“To his chains,” Obi-Wan corrects fiercely.

Vos purses his lips and crosses his arms. “He is not a child anymore, Obi-Wan. He’s a killer. He’s dangerous. It’s worrying to me that you can’t see it. Or don’t want to see it.”

Obi-Wan wants to scoff. Anakin Skywalker is not dangerous. The boy gets night terrors, begs to be let into Obi-Wan’s bed, and can only sleep if he’s being cuddled up against his chest. He holds his blasted hand in public because he’s terrified of being separated from Obi-Wan again. He’s refused to even touch his lightsaber since the first night Obi-Wan stumbled upon him, bleeding in one of the lower levels of Coruscant. There are some days he won’t even let Obi-Wan touch him to hold him, and he shakes apart in the shadowy corner of his closet, reliving traumas Obi-Wan can’t help him with.

Dangerous. Dangerous.

“No, Obi-Wan, come on. You have to see. The boy’s turning you against the Jedi, against the Council!” “He doesn't need to," Obi-Wan says coldly. "The Jedi seem to be doing a fine job of that themselve."

“That's what I'm talking about!” Vos exclaims, waving an incensed hand. “The Obi-Wan Kenobi I knew would never say that! He would never think a bad thing about the Order, let alone say it! Let alone threaten to leave in the middle of a war if the Council didn’t grant him permission to keep the boy in his rooms! People talk, Obi-Wan! They’re not being kind!”

A thought bubbles up in Obi-Wan’s mind, vicious and sharp. Obi-Wan should not expect kindness from the Jedi. Not about Anakin. Everything they’ve ever done to and said about the boy proves that. Obi-Wan would have to abandon Anakin again to ensure the Council’s kindness and trust in him.

Obi-Wan would rather die than abandon the boy now when he needs him so obviously. He’d rather Fall than turn his back on Anakin, even if that’s what it took to stay in the Order.

“I think you should leave, Vos,” Obi-Wan murmurs quietly. “I think there is little left to say.”

His old friend stares at him from across the table in shock before he stands up without another word. At the door to his quarters, he freezes but doesn’t turn around. “You are attached, Obi-Wan. The Jedi Council will not stand for it. They will not allow it to continue.”

There’s something off with his voice, but Obi-Wan is too concerned with what he’s said to focus on anything else. “What do you mean?” he asks sharply, springing to his feet.

But Vos just shakes his head and leaves.

Obi-Wan collapses back into his seat as the door slides shut behind the man, his head buzzing with thoughts. That had sounded like a warning. Would the Council be so bold, so cruel, as to separate Obi-Wan and Anakin forcefully?

Yes, the thought flashes across his mind, followed by a swell of fury.

And then there’s a sleepy little questioning tug on the bond stretching between him and Anakin. His charge must have just woken up and found Obi-Wan still missing.

Obi-Wan tugs back, helpless against the urge to comfort Anakin. The bond explodes in a tidal wave of joy, the way it always does when Obi-Wan uses their illicit connection to communicate. He hadn’t in the early days, too afraid of the Council and the Code to do something so forbidden.

Now he cannot seem to muster enough regard for the Jedi to care. It is nice to feel Anakin in his mind, where he belongs. Where he’s always belonged.

---

In the bedroom that Obi-Wan keeps on insisting is not theirs, Vader allows his eyes to open as he slips out of meditation. He had been too forceful there at the end with Vos, fed him the exact words he needed him to tell his new master.

That sort of mind trick is too sloppy and easily discovered. It is much harder to trace emotional manipulation, especially over time. He’s been doing it for months now, the Jedis’ mental shields no match for his raw power trained to be sharp as a vibroblade.

It’s all just been a matter of slowly strengthening the other Jedis’ already existing mistrust and doubt about him, all the while crying to Obi-Wan about his past and his fears. It served to highlight the Jedi hypocrisy to his new master, and when he felt that first seed of anger grow in Kenobi’s mind, he encouraged it to grow faster.

The downside, of course, has been that Obi-Wan sees him as a scared child in need of protection. Vader is working on that too though, lengthening the touches they share and letting his shields fall at inopportune moments, like when he’s playing with himself in the fresher, so his master understands that Vader is capable of bringing him pleasure of all kinds.

It’s very important Obi-Wan understands that he can get everything he needs from Vader alone. There will be no one else, for either of them.

Sidious will die soon. The Jedi will die sooner. Vader and Obi-Wan can take their proper place, as Emperors of the Galaxy.

After Obi-Wan falls, of course.

It won’t take long now though.

Joy at the thought of one day looking into Obi-Wan’s golden eyes pushes Vader out of their bed and into the common area. He rubs at his eyes with the back of his hand a few times, and then it’s Anakin who’s crossing the space separating him from his master so he can settle in Obi-Wan’s lap.

Obi-Wan accepts him into his arms immediately, and Anakin has to fight the urge to smile in victory as he squirms in an attempt to get comfortable, only stopping when he’s straddling his master, sitting directly over his cock.

He wraps his arms around his master’s neck and buries his face in the juncture between his shoulder and throat.

Feeling daring, he licks slightly at the skin there, just to feel the way Obi-Wan’s hands tighten on his hips. “Missed you,” he murmurs, inhaling greedily.

Nothing in the entire universe smells as good as Obi-Wan, holds Anakin as gently as Obi-Wan, cares as much about him as Obi-Wan does.

He’d kill everyone in the galaxy for his master, if it was asked of him. He wouldn’t even think twice about it. And one day, soon, his master will feel the same.

Especially when his pesky Order has been dealt with, an execution order stamped with Sidious’ name. The only good thing his old master has ever given him.

The Jedi will die, Anakin will be blameless, and Obi-Wan will be safe from harm’s way. That’s why he’d had to push Vos so messily at the end there. Obi-Wan needs to be safe before the planned Order #66, and there’s no telling what Sidious will do now that Anakin has escaped.

“I heard voices,” he prompts, when Obi-Wan seems content to just sit silently and trace shapes on the bare skin of his back.

Obi-Wan hums. “Yes,” he admits. “An...old friend came to visit.”

Anakin bites gently at the skin of Obi-Wan’s throat and pulls back enough to make eye contact. He doesn’t know if his eyes are blue or gold right now, but either way Obi-Wan seems entranced by them. Riveted.

He pouts. “Your old friends never stay around long enough to meet me,” he says with a tremble in his voice, as if he cares about Obi-Wan’s old friends.

Obi-Wan reaches a hand up and thumbs over Anakin’s bottom lip. Anakin holds his breath. It’ll ruin everything if he sucks at it right now, despite how much he’s craving to map the whorls with his tongue.

“Anakin,” Obi-Wan breathes out, and Anakin changes his grasp so he’s now holding tightly to the front of his robes. “I must tell you something you may not want to hear.”

The Dark inside of him roars and snarls at this statement. If Obi-Wan has decided to make him leave, Anakin will not go quietly. Anakin will kill the entire Jedi Order himself, until this glowing angel--so warm, so bright in the Force--only has him.

“The Council will try to take you away from me,” his master murmurs.

Anakin makes his eyes go round and wet. It’s not even that much of an act: he just has to think of Obi-Wan agreeing with his stupid Council, and suddenly he’s appropriately tearful and afraid.

“No, no, Anakin, don’t cry,” his master croons, grasping the back of his neck and touching their foreheads together. Then, in a firmer tone, he says the words Anakin has been waiting to here for months. “I will not let that happen. We must leave the Order. I’m sorry, dear one. I can only imagine how much you wanted this place to be your home.”

Anakin has to rip his head out of Obi-Wan’s grasp and bury it in his neck so his dear master can’t see his smirk. Oh, Obi-Wan. The man may never understand that the only thing Anakin wants is already holding him tightly against his chest.

But Anakin will remind him. Anakin will remind him for the rest of his life.

“When do we leave?” Anakin whimpers, wondering if he’s overdoing it slightly, but Obi-Wan’s grip on his back only tightens.

When Obi-Wan speaks, his voice doesn’t waver at all. There’s not a single shred of indecision in his force signature either. “Tonight,” his master says, brushing a barely there kiss against the crown of his head. “We leave tonight.”

Vader smiles in bliss and burrows impossibly further into his master’s arms, nipping at his master’s skin again, just because he knows he will not be pushed away. This is the safest place in the galaxy, and now it will be his forever.

Victory tastes sweet. Obi-Wan’s skin tastes even sweeter.

#asks #prompt fill #cw: dubious consent #due to lying and mind/emotional manipulation #ill have you know i pulled up a gif set of anakin in aotc and stared at it while writing this #obikin #vaderwan #anakin latches onto obi-wan emotionally and wont let anything happen to him #but he also does everything in his power to make sure he wont be left behind again

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albertasunrise · 4 years ago

Text

Just Another Conquest - Part 2

Masterlist

Warnings: You were sweet, innocent and completely infatuated with Javier Peña. After an incident at the Christmas party, you become the talk of the secretary's at the embassy and everything starts falling around you.

Pairings: Javier Peña x Reader

Warnings: Angst, Mentions of abortions, Mentions of Miscarriage.

Notes: Still a few touchy subjects in this chapter.

Part 1

You lay there waiting for the procedure to start, heart in your throat as you desperately tried to avoid his gaze. You weren’t sure why Javier wanted to be there for it, why he’d refused to leave your side since he’d found out you were in the hospital. You guessed he felt guilty, after all, he was the one that had gotten you into this mess so you had tolerated him. Had been civil. He had saved you from possible jail time, after all, flashing his badge and convincing the doctors not to report what you’d tried to do to your unborn child.

‘Right you ready?” The doctor asked in Spanish and you nodded, mixed feelings engulfing you at what was about to happen.

You nodded and she placed the probe on your exposed stomach, so you shut your eyes and waited, praying for it to be over. Javier watched you, his heart twisting as he watched the conflict you were suffering saturate your features. You had said you wanted this baby. That you were going to raise it alone and that he had an out. So why did it look like you didn’t?

Then he heard it and all thoughts disappeared like a puff of smoke.

The rhythmic thump of his child’s heartbeat filled the air and his own heart seemed to expand in his chest. He turned to look at the screen, the doctor pointing out the baby he’d helped create and he sobbed. He cried openly and you opened your eyes to see him staring at that small shape, hand over his mouth as he let his emotions flow freely. So you allowed yourself to look.

It was instant.

The feeling of love you had for this tiny being that you were growing inside of you. This tiny life that the doctor informed you were currently around the size of an olive. She then left the imaging on screen as she started to clean the jelly from your stomach and as soon as she was done, Javier placed a soft kiss there.

“Hello, little one.” He whispered and you swooned “I’m your Papi and I look forward to meeting you.” He finished before he looked up at you “If you’ll let me?”

You were at a loss for words. You’d not expected him to be so welcoming of this baby and a pang of guilt struck you. What if you had succeeded? You would have taken this away from him. You’d never stopped to consider that he might actually want this. Want to be a father.

You’d been too scared to consider it.

You were discharged later that day and Javier took you home, helped you get comfortable before putting away the medications and vitamins you’d been given. You weren’t sure when you dozed off but you’d been surprised to find that he was still there when you woke up later that day, carrying a tray of food with him as he set himself down on the bed beside you.

“Made you some soup.” He said softly as he placed the spoon in the bowl and handed it to you “Wasn’t sure whether you’d be up for anything bigger.”

“Why are you doing this Javier?” You asked, your brows furrowed as you gave him a questioning look.

“Doctor said you were going to be weak for a few more days and that you’d probably need a little extra help.” He replied, placing the bowl down when you didn’t take it.

“I know all of that I was there.” You grumbled, “I mean why are you helping me?”

“Because I care about you.”

“If you cared about me we wouldn’t be in this mess.” You spat and he flinched at the statement.

“You’re right I’m sorry.” He fumbled as he pushed the tray closer to you and stood “You don’t want me here... Fucking idiot.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Not you… I’m a fucking idiot. Thinking that you’d accept help from me.” He elaborated “Or that you’d be willing to let me be a part of this baby’s life. I have no right.” He finished as he shook his head and made his way towards the door “I’ll get Connie to come and help you. She's more qualified anyway.’ He threw over his shoulder as stepped through the doorway, only to be stopped when you called his name.

“You have every right to be a part of this baby’s life.” You started, expression softening a little “I just… I just don’t want you to feel like you are obligated to take care of me just because I’m carrying your child.”

“But that’s exactly what I am.” He turned to face you, tears pooling in those chocolate depths “It is my duty to care for the woman who’s to give me the greatest gift I’ve ever received. So I will do that however you’ll let me. Not because I need to.” He paused, locking eyes with yours “But because I want to.”

You nodded at him, giving him a weak smile before picking up the bowl of soup he left beside you and hummed in delight at the savoury flavours.

“Did you make this yourself?” You asked and he nodded shyly “This is really good. How did you learn to cook like this?”

“I nursed my mum through cancer.” He replied honestly and you looked up at him in shock “Kinda taught myself to cook so that I could take care of her and pops. He uh… Well, he didn’t cope well with her illness. Even worse when she passed.”

“Javier I-”

“I’m glad you like it Hermosa.” He interrupted with a smile, changing the subject “I’ll be just out here if you need anything.” He finished and you nodded, watching him leave whilst your heart ached for him.

3 months along…

“So the baby is around the size of a plumb now according to the baby book I got.” Exclaimed Javier excitedly and you smiled sweetly at him.

“You read a baby book?” Snorted Steve as he laughed at Javier’s statement, earning a smack on the arm from his wife.

“I think it’s sweet.” Announced Connie as she gave Javi’s arm a friendly squeeze.

“Have you told work yet?” Steve asked you, taking a swig of his beer.

“No.” You replied, shrugging as you spoke “We wanted to wait another month. Just to be sure everything’s… well you know.”

“Makes sense.” Connie replied as she placed a steaming mug of herbal tea in front of you “So there’s been no complications from…” She trailed off and you caught the hurt that flashed in Javier’s eyes.

“No.’ You replied simply, giving him a regretful look “We’re both very lucky.” You finished as you placed a hand on your slight bump.

“Still can’t believe you tried to get rid of it yourself.” Said Steve, not seeing the glares he then received from you and Connie.

Javier felt his stomach twist at the memory of it. Standing abruptly from his seat and making a b-line for the bathroom, Steve watched his partner leave with confusion etched into his features before finally turning his head to see the angry stares of you and his wife.

“You really do need to work on your mental filter Steve.” Connie growled as she turned to look at you “I’m sorry. You okay?”

“I am but Javi…”

“He’ll be okay,” Steve waved off but you shook your head.

“No… You don’t...” You paused a moment, remembering the conversation you and he had shared a few weeks back ‘It still hurts him to know I tried.”

…

2 weeks prior…

‘So I got this baby book.” Said Javier as he placed a large paper bag down on the table “And don’t be mad, but I got a few other things.”

“Javier I’m not even 3 months along.” You chuckled “There’s still a risk that-”

“That what?” Javier asked, his tone taking you by surprise.

“That I could lose it.” You said, voice cracking a little when you saw the expression that spread across his face “I just don’t want to jinx it.”

“You tried to get rid of it and it came through that. I’m sure-”

“Why are you still holding that over me?” You snapped “I made a mistake Javier. You need to move on.”

“Move on?” He growled, tears forming in his eyes “Move on from the fact you tried to kill our baby?”

“I was scared, Javier!” You yelled “I let you in, gave myself to you and you rejected me. Quite publicly I might add.” You paused as you tried to calm your breathing “I’m then forced to take two months off because I became the talk of the embassy and in that time I find out I’m pregnant. How was I supposed to feel about it all Javier?”

“You should have come and talked to me.” He said, tears streaming down his cheeks “I would have-”

“You would have what?” You pried “Welcomed me with open arms? Told me that we could be a happy family and that you’d made a mistake telling me I was nothing more than a stress relief exercise?”

“I never said that.”

“Oh no… we were just two friends comforting each other right.” You scoffed “Except I was in love with you...” You stopped yourself there, unable to believe that you’d just blurted that out. “I’m glad you want to be a part of this baby's life, Javier. It’s not exactly the sort of situation I’d ever expected to have a child but we have to play with the cards we’re dealt. So why don’t we just agree not to discuss the horrific thing I tried to do and just celebrate and enjoy this experience.” You paused as you took his hands in yours “I’m sorry I nearly took them from you. I know it hurts you and it pains me that I inflicted that on you but they’re here.” You placed his hand on your stomach “Growing inside me, safe and sound. We’re going to be okay.”

He'd simply nodded, unable to say anything else on the matter but he knew that he needed to try and move on as you said. It had all turned out for the best.

Right?

…

Steve sat there in shock, reeling from what you’d just told him. His partner hadn’t talked much about what had happened, it had been Connie in the end that had told him, after gaining your permission of course.

“I should go talk to him.” You said as you pushed yourself to your feet, only to be stopped by Steve.

“Let me.” He said as he stood from his seat “My fault he’s upset.” He finished as he made his way to where Javier had gone.

He found his partner staring down at a sleeping Olivia, shoulders shaking as he desperately tried to keep his internal struggle from slipping to the surface. He didn’t notice his partner step up behind him and tensed when the man's hand landed on his shoulder.

“What you doing in here partner?” He asked softly, glancing at his sleeping daughter before returning his attention to Javier.

“What if I’m no good?” He asked, taking Steve off guard.

“What do you mean brother?”

“What if I don’t make a good father?” He asked, letting out a shuddering breath “She tried to terminate the pregnancy because she didn’t think I’d want this.”

“Well, you did publicly humiliate her.”

“Fuck I know that Steve.” Javier growled as he fell back into the soft armchair beside Olivia’s cot “I made a mistake but something really wonderful has come out of that. I just… I dunno how this is going to work.”

“Do you love her?” He asked, perching on the changing table opposite his companion.

“No.” He replied, shaking his head “I mean she's attractive and we had a great time but no… I don’t love her. I’m not looking for anything more with her.”

“Well, I dunno how to advise you then man.” Steve sighed, scraping a hand over his mouth “All I can say is that you’re an idiot. She's an incredible woman and you’d be lucky to be with someone like her.”

“Trust me I know but… I don’t know I guess I just don’t know her well enough.”

“Well then make an effort to. See where that takes you and if you still don’t feel anything for her then fine but you owe it to her and your baby to at least try and see if there’s something there.” His partner finished as he got to his feet and placed a comforting hand over his shoulder “Just think about it Javi.”

…

“I should see what’s taking them so long.” You said, your nervousness getting the better of you “I’ll be right back.” You said over your shoulder to Connie before getting to your feet and making your way to where you knew Steve and Javier were, stopping when you heard their voices.

“Well, you did publicly humiliate her.”

“Fuck I know that Steve.” You let out a stuttered breath as you continued to listen “I made a mistake but something really wonderful has come out of that. I just… I dunno how this is going to work.”

“Do you love her?” Your breath caught in your throat as you awaited his answer.

“No.”

Your heart shattered.

“I mean she's attractive and we had a great time but no… I don’t love her. I’m not looking for anything more with her.”

You couldn’t listen a moment longer. You made your way back to the kitchen where Connie was finishing up with the dishes, grabbing your cardigan and purse.

“You off?” She asked, noting the change in your demeanour as you headed towards the front door.

“Yeah, I uh…” You paused, trying to keep yourself together but failing miserably “I’m tired. Say good night to Steve from me.” You choked before heading out the door, finally allowing yourself to fall apart the moment you were out of sight.

…

“She gone?” Asked Steve as he and Javier made their way back into the lounge.

“Yeah just a moment ago.” Connie stated as she looked at them both “She seemed pretty upset.” Her concern was evident in her features.

Javier’s stomach dropped. He said nothing, just sprinted out the door where he found you curled up on the ground as your tears fell freely. He was at your side in the blink of an eye, crouching down in front of you as he tried, desperately, to get you to look at him.

“Hermosa.” He pleaded and you finally look at him “What's wrong? Is it the baby?”

“Leave me alone Javier.” You growled, your sadness dissolving into anger.

“What is it?” He asked again and you scoffed at him.

“I think it would be best if we go our separate ways, Javier.” You said as you pushed him away and got to your feet “This isn’t going to work. I’m going to go and you can go back to screwing whoever takes your fancy. You aren’t cut out for this.” You finished as you cradled your small bump.

He recoiled at that, his own insecurities finally breaking free.

“I won’t stop you from seeing them. I’ll send you my address when I’m settled and if you want to come and see them then that's fine.”

“You’re leaving?”

“We both know I can’t stay here.” You growled.

“But the baby.” He sobs “I’ll miss everything.”

“You were going to miss that anyway.” You spat as you made your way over to the stairs “You’re a fool if you think you were actually going to see this through. We both know you can’t commit.”

With that, you left, stalking down the stairs and leaving a broken man in your wake. You were right. Of course, you were. He wasn’t cut out to be a father, he was deceiving himself and yet he'd wanted so desperately to try. Steve’s words floated around in his head. He should try to get to know you, to try and make a go of it but how could he when you wanted nothing to do with him. He wasn't against the idea of a relationship with one woman, he'd tried once before with Lorraine but that had crumbled to the ground.

Could things be different with you?

Sinking to the floor he allowed himself to weep. To mourn the loss of his child for he knew that you’d keep them from him, you were right to. The floor is where Connie found him a short time later and it was where she held him as he cried. When his tears dried up she pulled him inside, comforted him as he slowly turned into a shell of the man he once was and Steve knew this was his fault. He had to fix it. He just wasn’t sure how.

2 weeks later…

Steve had worked hard to try and bring the two of you together. You’d not mentioned leaving again but you’d also not spoken to his partner since that night. He had pleaded with you to try, told you how broken Javier had been since then but you struggled to believe the agent. You’d heard what Javier had said, he didn’t want to be with you and that he wasn’t sure how this was going to work. You knew what that meant. So you knew you had to take matters into your own hands.

You had to do right by your unborn child.

Steve continued to plead Javier’s case, however, telling you that the man was terrified to approach you for fear you would slam the door in his face you gave the blonde an opening. If Javier could come to you and make you believe that he was serious you would stay. If he couldn’t you would leave. Little did you know that the two DEA agents would be shipped off to Medellin for two weeks before he even got the chance.

Javier knocked on your door, flowers in hand and he nervously shifted from one foot to the other but when no answer came his brows furrowed in confusion and he knocked again. He'd had time in Medellin to think about things. To think about how he did want to try and make a go of things. Just because he wasn't in love with you now... Didn't mean that wouldn't come with time. He'd started to picture the family he could have with you and his heart had swelled at the idea. Knocking a third and final time he let out a frustrated sigh.

Still nothing.

Resigned to the fact you weren’t home, he sprinted upstairs and knocked on his partner's door, knowing his wife would be home with, hopefully, a little update on how you were. He’d read in the baby book that morning that now, at 14 weeks, the baby was around the size of a nectarine and that had excited him to no end. He had wondered if your bump had gotten any bigger and how you’d been coping with the morning sickness, something that had been a struggle when he’d last spoken to you.

“Javi.” Said Connie as she opened the door, Olivia in her arms “What are you doing here?” She asked as she bounced her fussy baby in her arms.

“Is she here?” He asked, saying your name when Connie gave him a bemused expression.

“You don’t know?” She questioned, her face crumpling at the realisation that he couldn't have.

“Know what?” He asked, his pulse racing as he watched Connie’s expression change to one he struggled to read “Connie where is she?”

“She left.”

Part 3

#javier peña x reader #javier peña x you #javier peña #javier peña gif #javier peña fanfiction #narcos fanfiction x reader #narcos fanfiction x you #narcos x you #narcos x reader #narcos fanfic #narcos fanfiction #narcos gifs #narcos #pedro pascal character fanfiction #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal characters

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blu-joons · 4 years ago

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Abandoned ~ Im Changkyun

Changkyun coming home couldn’t come quick enough for you, as soon as you heard his footsteps echo through your apartment, you were up on your feet to greet him with a much-needed hug.

“Steady,” he chuckled, quickly wrapping his arms around your waist as you almost fell into his chest.

He’d been away for most of the night, catching up with a few of his old school friends whilst he had a few days out of his schedule. As happy as you were for him to enjoy seeing all of his friends, it couldn’t help but remind you of what you used to have with all of your friends.

“Let’s take a seat before you fall,” he suggested, guiding you back to the sofa.

As soon as he sat you down and noticed the redness in your cheeks, Changkyun could tell that something was the matter. His hands came up to your cheeks, using the pads of his thumbs to wipe under your eyes and dry and excess tears you had.

“What’s been going on?” He questioned, offering you a warm smile, noticing how tense your body was. “Has something happened whilst I’ve been gone, have you hurt yourself?”

Your head shook back at him, noticing how quick he was to look over your body and make sure that you hadn’t injured yourself and were lying to him.

“Have I done something?” He continued to question, feeling helpless to find a solution.

A shaky breath came from you which quickly caught his attention. “It’s stupid, it’s not something I should be jealous over, but I can’t help but jealous about it, it’s just an instinct.”

Slowly, for Changkyun, it felt like all the pieces were coming together. He knew that you’d experienced a lot of heartache with your friends after the years, especially after disconnecting from your best friend just a few months ago.

“Is it her?” He asked, brushing your hair out of your face, tucking it behind your ear. “If it’s her, then I guess I am a part of the problem after all.”

Your head shook instantly, refusing to let Changkyun sit back and accept any of the blame for the way you were feeling. “It’s not your fault, you’ve not made me feel abandoned like she has done,” you sighed, staring down at your feet.

No words were needed as far as Changkyun was concerned, as he leaned forwards to wrap his arms tightly around your waist, allowing your head to settle against his chest. It was exactly what you needed, just a small bit of contact was enough to make you feel better.

“I love that you still have all your friends, and you see them all the time, I just wish that could be a situation that I found myself in too,” you admitted, as your tears dampened his shirt.

His hand moved up to rest against the back of your head. “I know that this has been eating away at you for quite some time, so just take some time to let it all out and finally let go of all of the frustration you’ve been holding onto.”

“I shouldn’t even be angry,” you sighed, “but she was my best friend for so many years, and then one day it felt as if I was no one. I should be happy in my life, I have you, but a small part of me still wants her here too.”

His head nodded, trying as hard as he could to understand your situation. “You can’t just switch off the feelings that you’ve felt towards her for so many years and forget about her, even if that’s what she has ended up doing.”

“It’s not fair on you either,” you agonisingly groaned.

Changkyun quickly silenced you before you could get yourself anymore worked up. He slid his arms away from you, encouraging you to lay down on the sofa. He walked across and picked up a blanket before slotting himself in behind you, holding onto you tightly.

“Friendship isn’t just something that can be forgotten,” he whispered sweetly into your ear, squeezing you a little tighter. “You don’t need to try and pretend that you’re fine around me Y/N.”

For so long he’d stood back and watched you smile through the pain as the distance continued to grow between the two of you. He wanted to reach out to her more than anything to make her realise how much she was hurting you.

Because hurting you meant she hurt him too.

It was horrible for him to feel so helpless at times, watching you lean over your phone and wait for a message from her. He didn’t want to break your heart like she did, but he recognised quite early on exactly what had happened.

Whilst Changkyun always considered himself your best friend, he knew how much she meant to you. However hard you tried to keep a straight face; he knew it was a friendship that you had treasured for so many years that was slipping away from you.

“Chan?” You suddenly whispered, craning your neck so that you could look back at him. “What do I do?”

He sighed softly, pressing a kiss against the tip of your nose, reminding you that he was there for you, and that you didn’t have to act too quickly for anything.

“I’ve lost my best friend,” you murmured.

“No, you haven’t,” his voice called out from behind you, “if she was your best friend Y/N, she would have never done this to you. I know it’s hard, I’ve lost plenty of friends too, but she was never meant to be your best friend if this was the way that she planned on treating you.”

As hard as it was to listen to him, your heart was intent on letting you know that he was right. You didn’t deserve to be abandoned, you’d been nothing but a good friend, and if she couldn’t see that in you, then that was her loss.

“I think deep down you’ve always been my best friend,” you told him, turning around in his arms so that you could press your cheek to his chest. “No one’s been there for me like you have, there doesn’t feel like there’s anyone else who could fill the void that she’s left.”

“You’re deserving of great people in your life Y/N, and I’m honoured to be one.”

You felt his lips press gently against the top of your head, lingering for a few moments, before trailing his lips down until they rested against your cheeks.

As hard as it was to have been abandoned, you never had the chance to feel lost, thanks to Changkyun. He was always there holding onto you, even if he had to use all of his strength to do so, he always promised that he’d never let you go.

At times it often felt like you took Changkyun for granted. You always imagined how different your life would be if you’d met him in school. How nice it would have been to have been able to call him for so many more years than you already had done.

“Just don’t worry about her anymore,” Changkyun whispered into your ear, “we’re going to move onto bigger and better things together.”

Your head nodded as you finally began to feel your tears dry up. “Thank you for not abandoning me when everyone else has Changkyun.”

“I’ll never let you go,” he reminded you once again, “you’ll always be my best friend.”

“And you’ll always be mine too.”

---

Masterlist

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theroundbartable · 3 years ago

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Little lesson for today:

When you go through the five stages of grief, allow yourself to go through all of them.

I know it sounds basic, but I'm speaking from a point, where I was stuck in the denial stage for 3 years.

Because I refused to be angry at the person I lost (they didn't die. We just fell out.).

I had gone through all stages multiple times. I denied, I bargained, I got depressed and I accepted that she was gone. Over and over again.

But I refused to get angry at her. I refused, because I couldn't see how she could have done anything wrong, because clearly it was all my fault. It wasn't entirely, but that's beside the point.

The point is, it's not just the acceptance part that we sometimes reject. It can be other stages as well. And really allowing yourself to go through all of them one by one, with as much time as you need, really helps.

I felt free for the first time, after I spend an entire week listing to myself how she hurt me in turn.

I don't hate her now. It was just a week. But it did wonders for my mental health.

Take yourself seriously guys. Allow yourself to grief properly.

No matter how small and insignificant you find something. If it bothers you, treat it with care. If your heart knows you take care of you, no matter how small the problem, you will feel bothered a lot less. Because your heart knows, you'll be there when it counts.

#advice #random #personal #grief #5 stages of grief

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espressokiri · 4 years ago

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I Love You Either Way

Izuku Midoriya x GN! Reader

For @brandmeyelena : reader loves midoriya very much and confessed, midoriya was flustered and decided to accept it (reader was ecstatic), however he has no feelings for reader at all. He doesn’t know how to break up with reader so he just lets it be.

Warnings: Angst, One sided love, Heartbreak, Death.

Genre: Angst.

(Y/n) was sorted out to be an outcast in middle school because of their interest in the quirkless boy in class. Ridicule did nothing to prevent them from getting to know the boy, intrigued in his interest in heroes and longing to be enrolled in U.A.

They were quick to defend the freckled boy when Bakugou targeted him on certain days, gazing in affection when he would go on a muttering tangent, unaware of his thoughts being said out loud. (Y/n) fell in love with the way Midoriya would not be afraid to show his vulnerability and emotions, to show them his passions and drawings of analysis. Midoriya on the other hand was in awe of gaining such a friend.

F r i e n d.

Oh how he wished he knew the inner feelings of the one he called friend. It was not until they confessed that left him in a stuttering, red-faced daze that he realized there was hidden meaning behind (Y/n)’s gestures. Being the most observant boy meant nothing when he was dense about feelings.

The hand brushes while walking to and from school, the small gifts he would find in his backpack from them, the lingering hugs that seem to be longer than usual.

“Izuku, I’ve admired you for a long time. Please accept my feelings!” (Y/n) was not shy while confessing, they stared Midoriya in the eyes with such passion that the male could not refuse in the state of shock he was put in.

It did not seem to be a bad idea at the time, a relationship was forged on the foundation of friendship and they were friends already with similar interests. Midoriya brushed it off and thought he harboured the same feelings, not aware of why and how a relationship actually begins.

(Y/n) on the other hand couldn't be happier, they seemed to glow around Midoriya and felt that they were on cloud nine on the daily. Bakugou glowered at them in class, huffing at how disgusting their relationship was.

Midoriya had dedicated a book to (Y/n) filled with sketches of them, some pages for the purpose of analyzing their quirk, other pages filled with mundane sketches of them on their adventurous dates. (Y/n) found a second home with Inko Midoriya who adored them, happy that her son was finally himself without the fear of him being bullied.

It was when they first shared a kiss that Midoriya had come to terms with his feelings. He did not carry the same emotions for (Y/n) as they did. He felt like he would disappoint them so he kept himself quiet, wondering if they would lose feelings for him if he carried on as friends instead.

The time for U.A. came around, (Y/n) was not aware of Midoriya training with All Might. They only knew he was physically training with a ‘personal’ trainer of his. During the training period, they would make sure to cater to Midoriya’s needs, keep him hydrated and help him with homework and studies as he would fall asleep in class muttering to himself most of the time.

Betrayal was evident during the quirk evaluation test when Midoriya seemed to showcase his quirk. He looked nervous facing both Bakugou, who was voicing his anger, and (Y/n) who had a look of disappointment hidden in their eyes. They avoided Midoriya that day, watching from afar as he happily conversed with Iida and Uraraka.

It wasn’t until Bakugou grabbed (Y/n) by the front of their uniform and yelled at them with one hand exploding with his quirk for an explanation that Midoriya came in-between and pulled (Y/n) away. They didn’t seem to want to put up a fight with either male and allowed themselves to be dragged around.

Midoriya ‘explained’ that he was an apparent late bloomer and thats why he was training for months, to control his quirk. (Y/n) was apprehensive but accepted his apology after he stated he didn’t tell them because he wanted to surprise them.

“I love you.”

The USJ attack had (Y/n) tremble with uncertainty of their future, they said those three words to Midoriya when he woke up from being taken care of by Recovery Girl.

Midoriya just nodded his head and looked away.

(Y/n) thought nothing of it until Ochako ran to him once they reentered the class, he seemed to brighten up at the sight of her and (Y/n)’s face soured.

This event kept replaying in their mind as the days progressed. The texts became dry, the reply time took hours, calls weren’t picked up as quick as they were before. (Y/n) could feel the distance between them but they didn’t want to give up, no, they held too much emotion for the boy.

Bakugou took note of all the differences between the two from the sidelines, despite his dislike for the pair, he felt pity for (Y/n). Scoffing at them as (Y/n) still tried to hold their relationship together by a thread. He felt anger towards Midoriya for not manning up and revealing his true feelings, instead dragging (Y/n) along with him.

“Hey dumbass.” Bakugou huffed and (Y/n) looked up at him from their position beside Midoriya. Uraraka, Iida, and Midoriya looked at Bakugou with wide eyes wondering why he sauntered his way to their lunch table.

“Hm?”

Bakugou yanks (Y/n) from the table and drags them out of the cafeteria, ignoring the protests from Midoriya and (Y/n).

“What the hell Bakugou!”

“Shut up dumbass! I’m sick of you pining after the nerd when we all know he does not feel the same.” Bakugou crossed his arms across his chest and glowered at them.

(Y/n) was void of emotion, they knew he was right but they didn’t care. They would be together, they’ve been through so much together. They love him, they’ll make him love them.

“We love each other.” (Y/n) said before turning to walk back to the cafeteria. “You’re going to get yourself killed!” Bakugou yelled after them, “If I do then at least I’ll know I’ve loved!” (Y/n) yelled back.

Their grip on his hands became stronger, the kiss on cheek before a task was a must, they’d try to converse with him about their future, joking about how they’d be the coolest pro-hero couple.

(Y/n) was losing themselves as they saw Midoriya remove himself from their approach. (Y/n) knew it was only a matter of time before he would end up saving Uraraka before them. They held no bitterness towards the girl, they’re aware that she’s just as innocent as she looks. If Midoriya wanted them to back off then he would have said something by now, he hasn’t said anything so he must still have feelings for them, right?

Perhaps they did hold the same passion as the girl they came across during the attack in the training camp. Toga was it? Either way, Toga had realized (Y/n)’s feelings for Midoriya as she chattered on about a green haired boy she came across. Maybe they should have accepted the offer to join her in gaining his feelings back for her by following her into the warp gate, maybe he would have come after them.

(Y/n) was aware that they were losing interest in becoming a hero after all the attacks from the league, they didn’t seem that bad. They were beings who were outcasted and betrayed themselves. (Y/n) did not know what was right or wrong anymore. Everyone in class had noticed their change in behaviour, the dead look in their eyes as they lost all the light in them that once glowed bright.

Midoriya, they’d do it for Midoriya.

Blood.

There was so much blood. (Y/n) took the hit for him. The burning sensation where they got impaled from Chisaki’s quirk was beginning to numb. How stupid of them to act all heroic for a boy who didn’t even mutter those three words that (Y/n) seemed to tell him everyday.

They were only fifteen. Fifteen and feeling the bittersweet embrace of death. Midoriya was hovering above them, tears spilling over and dripping onto (Y/n). He was finally giving them the attention they craved for the past year at U.A.

Midoriya pressed his hands against the wound, (Y/n) whimpering in pain at the pressure. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry (Y/n). We can fix this, keep your eyes open okay? I’ll go defeat Chisaki and it’ll all be okay.”

(Y/n) shakily grabbed his face with their bloody one, “tell me you love me and I’ll forgive you.” Tears gathered at their eyes as they begged in their mind for him to put them at ease.

Midoriya was frantic, he didn’t want to lie. He was aware of the rift between them, he should have been straightforward with his feelings from day one. Perhaps if he did, they wouldn’t be in this predicament right now.

“Even if you don’t feel the same, please. Just this once.” Their voice cracked and sobs racked their body. Their hand slid from his face to grip onto his hero suit.

“I love you! I love you, please hold on for me!” Midoriya gripped them tightly in his embrace, his own sobs breaking through. “I should have been more honest with you, I’m sorry!”

“It was my fault for not giving up on you, I knew how you felt but I couldn’t let you go.” (Y/n) smiled a broken smile, relishing in his embrace during their final moments.

“Tell Bakugou he was right, I did get myself killed huh?” (Y/n) dryly laughed.

Midoriya felt a wave of cold through his veins. Bakugou knew? Did he really say that to them?

His anxiety grew worse as (Y/n) began to feel like dead weight, their eyes glazing over and breathing shallow. “(Y/n)? (Y/n)!” He screamed as he gripped them tightly.

(Y/n) was there with him through his lowest time, watching him grow into a hero in training when he had lost all hope. They were there when he felt frustrated with himself during training and offered him a shoulder when he felt like he had nowhere to go. He didn’t feel like a hero as he held them in his arms. A hero would have been upfront about everything, he failed them. He failed (Y/n). Now he’s going to have to live with knowing he was the reason they spilt blood.

#boku no hero academia #midoriya imagine #izuku midoriya #deku #deku x reader #bnha imagines #bnha angst #mha x y/n #mha imagines #mha angst #bnha #mha #deku angst #bnha x reader

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