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thewayshefeels1 · 6 years ago

Text

A letter I never sent

I hate you because I feel ripped, stripped, and defective. You discarded me and threw me away. I remember the last time we spoke, do you? You never stick to your word so I don’t know why I believed you’d keep your promise. They mean shit to you but everything that ever came out of your mouth, I took seriously. I guess at least one of us did. You said you’d keep in touch; you would check in. You deleted your Instagram, or just blocked me. When I saw, it made me sad. It’s probably for the best, so I can’t stalk you. It forces me to “move on” or whatever. You said you’d call… why haven’t you? I worry about you, but I bet you couldn’t give two shits about what I’m doing right now. I’m sure you have a new girl. I wonder what she looks like? What’s her name, how you met? Do you tell her about me? Your “crazy” ex? You’re not the type to stay single for long, even though you said the opposite when I met you, but that was just another lie. Figures. It sucks because I doubt you give a damn about my existence. I hoped I’d be over you by now, but we know how that goes. I want to see and talk to you so bad, but I wonder what you’d do or say. I feel like I’m in rehab, detoxing from a drug, you. It’s painful, slow and torturous. I never want to get into another relationship again. I just broke up with my last boyfriend…. mostly because it was unfair to him, as I was thinking of you the entire time. Breaking up with him was a piece of cake compared to you and even after our break up, I’m still more upset about you. It’s weird honestly… the thought of never seeing you again. I know it’s for the best but when I imagine never hearing your voice or touching you again… let’s just say I can’t. To accept it would destroy me. I’m always [secretly] hoping I run into you. I know you don’t miss me but I miss you so much. If you were dead I would slit my throat just to be with you again if that’s what it took. I make myself sick when I see how obsessed I am. You’re not a good person. You made me feel so small and your words are ingrained on my soul forever. I can’t forget them or what you did to me. You said you would call…

I have no clue if you will receive this and if I decide to give this to you, it will turn into a long ass letter that will force me to contemplate my poor choices. A year ago today we had our picnic in the park. I remember standing at the top of some cliff with your arms around me. There was a gentle breeze and we took photos that I looked pretty good in. I remember playing you songs that reminded me of you and feeling my heart unravel since they could speak to you in ways I couldn’t. My grandma gave you sauce and I recall you admitting you don't like sauce so it was funny watching you eat it. I can’t remember shit yet everything I experienced with you is unforgettable. It fucks me up since a huge part of me wants to erase the memories because they sting whenever they flash by. I was telling my friend the other day that being with you was like being in one of those romantic comedies. I used to eat those up in high school, like all girls. We all wish for that "notebook" sort of love. We all know it's made up; nor realistic to expect that "meant to be" crap. But I had moments with you, where I felt that fantasy unfold. So why am I writing this you may ask? I'm not trying to nestle my way back into your life. The wisest part of me hopes your eyes never read these words. A week ago, I had a huge moment of weakness and went to your house. I know that sounds stalkerish, but screw it, I'm laying it all on the line. Yes, I drove by your house. I thought I was going to throw up and felt physically sick. I was in your "neck of the woods" and can't deny the idea has never crossed my mind. However, I've been strong and resisted those times. I couldn't this time for some reason. I was feeling somewhat petty and lonely for reasons I shall not get into. It was late and I know I don't have any business bothering you, but I really wanted to see you. Truthfully, I always want to see you. I figured I'd risk the chance of rejection and before you know it, I was outside your house. It was surreal; I had to take five minutes [at least] to recuperate. While debating my life decisions, your mom opened the door. I took a deep breath and went in. We talked for hours. She said I just missed you. Part of me thought “damn it” and the other “thank god”. It's been almost a year since I've seen you yet I felt right at home. When I hugged your mom and sister I never wanted to let go. Your mom explained all that's happened in the past few months and I didn't want to show it bothered me. I told my friend I won't let anything happen to you and nobody can hurt you. I said I'd kill anyone who tries to harm you and they'd have to go through me first. He asked why I care so much and I don't know, I don't want to care. It sucks when all you want to do is move on. I'm sorry for what you've been through. I mean it when I say I pray for you all the time. I wish nothing but what’s best for you. You may think that's full of shit, or I'm just trying to sound all "goody goody" but if that was the case, why would I be going through all this trouble? Unless I was some sort of manipulative psycho (you may say that's debatable) but I swear I'm not. Maybe a bit out my mind but not psychotic. Life has taught me a lot of things, and this last year has been one hell of a ride. Sometimes I wish we never met, that is very harsh but true. Please hear me out. Half of the time I believe you were the greatest thing that ever happened to me. If this is hard to hear (or read rather) please know this is unbelievably painful to write. Losing you was the most painful loss in my life. Losing my father was tough. But it was like ripping off a Band-Aid. I miss my dad all the time. I'm not saying it was easy, no way. He was the first male love of my life. But he was sick my whole life. Part of me feels like I never really knew him-the true him. It's complicated. My dad was the only man I truly know loved me, the real me. (Again don't get pissed) His death was expected. You never really know how to lose a person. You can plan for it all you want, but you're never truly prepared. My dad is gone and I accept that. He is my guardian, my guide, I see him in every kind person I meet, in every nice encounter I have and whenever I feel love. He protects me and has saved me many times. I know we'll meet again. But you on the other hand. I wasn't ready when you came into my life. Our relationship was turbulent. Losing you was EXCRUCIATING. It still is. I haven't accepted it. When my therapist says that I'll never see you again, I can't face it. I'm in . You're still alive. Which is great, but nothing is worse than grieving the loss of someone who is still living. You're left wondering, hoping. Every time I'd get a call after the last time we talked, i'd wish it'd be you. Every time I'd walk by your friend’s house up the block and I'd see a silver car, I'd wish it'd be you. I'd always hoped I'd run into you. I'd always be disappointed because I'd worry I'd never see you again and this is something I couldn't come to terms with. Is it really over? No it just can't be I'd tell myself. Knowing you're out there, and not knowing at the same time what you're doing kills me. But I told myself “you have to be strong. You have to practice what you preach”. 10:15PM I've come to the conclusion this will take forever and a day to write. It may never end! There will be no conclusion, no ending. It will just go on forever and be a never ending love note to you so that way I have an excuse to not give it & stop myself. Our paths cannot cross. CAN NOT. Do you know why? I cannot survive round 2. I would not make it out alive. I would never be able to live through losing you again. It was the worst, absolute worst, most heartbreaking thing that has happened to me. That night, the last night in the Friendly’s parking lot, when you drove away, you drove away with a piece of me I will never get back. I wanted so badly to scream to not drive away, to drive after you. Between that moment and now, a part of me remains hollow. It sucks because only you have it, the chunk of my heart or whatever fills the gap. Only you can appease this ache, but only you can cause it too. I don't mean to put all the blame on you. I'm not making you responsible for all my suffering. I chose to stay; condoned behavior and enabled. Although I don’t believe in that meant to be crap, I do believe our paths crossed for a reason. I did not by any means choose to fall for you. When I fell, I fell hard, face first. Face planted. with say in the matter. It scared me to death. Not half to death, to death. Yet meeting you was what I expect moving to a new city is like, refreshing, exciting, thrilling, and although you're anxious/nervous, you hope it'll work out. You act like you know what you are doing. There's mysterious and curiosity, a sense of beauty… I'm getting ahead of myself here, I'm pretty sure I've told you all this. I hope the thoughts crossed your mind even once as to what's been going on in my life the last 4 seasons. If not no big deal I'll fill you in anyway. Only reason I say I hope is because I'll feel 5% less pathetic if you've thought of me once or twice within the last 11 months. As you may remember in August I was hospitalized. On the 19th after work one day I'm not sure what set me off. I know I was feeling depressed about our breakup but also my TMS treatments weren't working and so I overdosed. My mom found me unconscious in my bed the next morning. Apparently she called my aunt and when I was unresponsive they brought me to the ER. I was in Brookhaven for two weeks. 12:15PM Time’s going by and it’s nice because I’m feeling less of an urge to contact you. It’s freeing because now that I’m thinking about it… I’m thinking of you a lot less lately. Lately meaning these last couple of days. Is that a slap in the face? We all want to be adored, admired, to be the center of somebody’s life right? Well sorry if that hits a sore spot but I think it’s because I’ve been distracted the last week. I’ve been working out a lot more than usual, probably to the point of obsession. It’s not healthy but I love working out because I get to take my mind off things, off life for a while. Even for an hour is so…relieving? I’ve been listening to your friends song “illusion” quite a heck of a lot on Spotify. I first heard it on Facebook. I’ve listened so much I’ve gotten quite bored with it, although I still listen a lot. It’s very good. I added it to my favorites and memorized the words. Not because he’s your friend, frankly I could care less, but because it’s beautiful. The song reminds me of you a lot actually.I'm walking past your friend’s house now ...what’s his name, Nick? I always have this false hope for your car. Every time I pray your Kia will be outside but never is. Even though it's been plenty of times... I've never stopped looking, hoping for you. And every time I’m right at that corner I see the dealership and just stare like some nut job. Whenever I take a walk and pass by franklin Avenue. Do you know what or where that is? Of course not. You don't but that was one of the last places I ever saw you. The first time we broke up was on that street, on New Year’s/Eve we went there and I sucked you off plenty of times there too. Ring a bell? So much time passed between us but all it takes is one second to take me back... to the first second and third time when I kissed you, it still sends shivers down my spine. I never knew that one night in July would be the last time I'd see you. I knew it had to be. But part of me hoped it wouldn’t. Like an itch I've been desperately reaching for, dying to scratch. So why did u do it? Or better yet why didn't you? Why didn't u fight for me? U say u did but frankly that's bullshit. We fought but mostly for ourselves. I fought for peace of mind and you fought for power. Almost a year and u never came back for me. And I hate u for it. You did the right thing by obeying my/my mom’s wishes but I hate myself mostly, for waiting. It must be good to know that I'm still holding on. Holding on to letting go. All these months, days, seasons have gone by and I've never stopped holding out for you. Every time my phone would ring and I wouldn't recognize the number I'd pray to god it was you. Deep down I knew it wasn’t so I wouldn't get my hopes up. Last time we talked you said you'd call in a month or so. You never did. It KILLED me. I thought u moved on. So I tried to as well. But I never quit wondering why? Did you not care? Because not for one minute did I ever quit loving you. Do you recall one of the first things you said to me in December over the phone? We didn’t speak for 4 months and do you remember what you said? “It’s my birthday in 2 days” I wondered why the hell did I call? Probably because my inhibitions were low and I was tipsy but that’s beside the point. It gave me the perfect excuse to call; so I could blame it on the alcohol. My heart sank because I already knew first of all, I hadn’t forgotten your birthday. How naïve can you be? I asked myself. When we got off the phone I was proud of my decision to not be with you. But then the ache came back, weeks, months later. Did I miss you? Or did your absence give me enough time away just to miss your ghost? To create this image of someone in my head who I always hoped you’d be? I always asked that question-did I love you? Or did I love who I thought you could be? Because frankly, the man in front of me was disappointing. Saying he missed my sex when I missed everything – holding hands, your presence, looking at you from the passenger seat, you being a pain in the ass but MY pain in the ass, rolling my eyes at you, your weird voices and dumb things you would do to try & get me to laugh and sometimes I’d fake laugh but at the end of the day, I never met anyone like you. I would've stuck around you know. I would've stayed through it all and I wish I could be there for you now. Hugging you tight to help you get through this, so that you're not alone. I wanted to be your partner in crime. I wanted it to be us. When I think about you, so many times I'll just close my eyes. My heart will hurt & I'll feel this longing that I can't help but wonder if you feel me too? Could you ever possibly be thinking of me the same time I'm thinking about you? Does that one moment bring us back together again? I always thought what I'd do if I ever saw you again, what I'd say, how I'd feel and react. I can't imagine it. I've played so many scenarios over in my head but I don't think I can do it. I think I'd pass out and I've never fainted before. Yesterday my therapist told me I’d probably shit myself & to not risk it [ha-ha]. I was listening to a podcast which said if a person from your past isn't in your life anymore then they don't exist in your present reality. That made me sad and reject the idea. After I was released from the hospital I was put into an adult partial hospitalization program at Mather in the fall. I changed my number and I was determined to move on with my life. This letter may never make its way to you and that's the only reason I'm saying this, is about to get real. Think of it as the story of our relationship and my life up to this point. During our relationship I became very ill, mentally and physically. Prior to our relationship I already had emotional issues but I developed severe post-traumatic stress disorder that led me to have night terrors, a cataplectic attack (a form of cataplexy which I thought was a seizure) in my sleep, insomnia, memory and chronic gastrointestinal issues. During my stay in this intensive outpatient program my psychiatrist wanted to put me on high blood pressure medication used for war veterans because of my PTSD. I feel bad telling u this, like it should be some secret, but do u know how miserable the last year has been? I was on so much medication my grandma looked like an Olympic athlete. Once u told me I stress you out so u started smoking cigarettes again. I doubt u even recall this, so go ahead and deny it. But why would I make that up. Why would I make ANY of this up? This is taking me days, weeks to write and u may never even get it? And if u did nobody will see it besides u so who am I trying to fool. You'd tell me I stressed u out a lot. Do you remember half the shit u said to me? I doubt it. But I do. Maybe u didn't mean it when u said nobody will ever love me like you or any other guy besides u would treat me like shit; but the last day I saw you made me so glad it would be the last. Why? You may ask. Because of something you may consider silly or miniscule, but me my friend, for me it was the cherry on top of the big delicious sundae called our relationship. Do you remember asking for a goodbye kiss? It was only a simple sweet kiss goodbye after all? No big deal, I owed it to you anyways you said. But actually I owe you nothing. I still owe you nothing. And my lips belong to me which are on my body which belongs to who you may be wondering? TO ME. So when I told you no, I don’t think it quite registered. You never took that word lightly. Did it bruise your ego? Or did you just assume that since you were my boyfriend you automatically gained this right? Over me, my decisions, my body? For a good 10 minutes or so you convinced me as to why I had to kiss you and sure enough, I gave you what you wanted like I always did, eventually. But I asked you why you’d even want a kiss if it wasn’t freely given and that’s when I knew this was it. Really, I knew before that. It broke my heart when it finally hit me that no matter what, you weren’t going to be it. Do you know how much that sucked? I wanted nothing more for a happy ever after, but it dawned on me that no matter what I did, how hard I tried, nothing I could say would save us, we weren’t going to end up together. It was heartbreaking. You can’t force life into something that must die. Then I started to lose myself. I consider myself to be a kind, loving person and maybe at this point you disagree. But I had this light before we started dating. But by the end of our relationship though, that light was gone. I turned cold, towards you, towards everyone but most importantly, towards myself. I tried to be nice I really did. But the last month or so I couldn’t pretend. When I saw myself disregarding your feelings, treating you how you treated me (more or less) I knew there was a big issue. Despite all the worlds thrown at me, I’ve rarely used my circumstances as an excuse to treat people like shit. In this moment are you thinking “what did I even do? Why are you making me out to be a monster? I wasn’t so bad, it was you!” Good question. And if I think you’re such a dick, then why do I even bother? Even BETTER question, glad you asked!Thing is, I don't think you're the scum of the earth. I see the good in you. I recognize your shortcomings. We all have flaws. Due to our past/present circumstances, we can spread light or stay in darkness. I'm writing you because I believe in you. Is that reassuring or does that just piss you off? When I first met you, you sparked a fire deep within me; you made me see the positive. You made me laugh, you made me cry (tears of joy) I had faith in my dreams; I wanted to be the best I could be. Isn't that the point of it all? Of a relationship? To encourage each other, inspire & motivate each to do more, be more? Aspire to learn and reach for the stars? To accept each other where u are now but strive for better because you know there's endless potential; there's no limit to what u can do... that's what I hoped for my life. But after a while, I just felt bad. In general & about myself. All I wanted was please you. My whole world, my whole life revolved around you. It's not supposed to be like that. I felt alone, isolated. I was being accused of shit I didn't deserve; I felt I had to hide things for no reason. Ultimately, I was afraid of you. Did you get off on intimidating me? I thought I was going insane. Part of me figured if I could grant your every wish, then things would get better. But after that didn't work, I switched gears. If I could solve all YOUR problems then our problems would be solved. I concentrated my time and energy on your garbage so I didn't have to take out my own trash. For a while maybe things would be calm. But half the time I didn't know who you were. Were you this sweet, fun loving, charismatic guy, or this jealous, possessive manipulator who acted more like a dictator than a partner? Only bringing on the charm when you wanted demands obeyed. Need an example? Once I got home from my eating disorder program & was feeling really sick. It was when my stomach problems began and you wanted to see me. I was scared of telling you I couldn't hang because I was nauseous but didn't want to be reprimanded. But in group we were learning how to assert ourselves and I figured part of dating is being honest... well did I have to deal with the consequences. You complained about how I don't care or else I'd make time to see you and if I liked you as much as you liked me...yada yada. I would probably understand if you couldn't chill. You'd put words in my mouth constantly. I'd be blamed and guilted for almost everything, let's be real. It was too much. Call me a shitty girlfriend if you want but I tried. Just don't say one thing then do another. It's not right. It wasn't until I was single for a while that I learned being called a "fucker, bitch, dick" by your significant other ISN'T okay. I have the right for space; I have the right to disagree. Relationships are 50:50. I know you know that, you've probably been in more than me but ours was the only one that really mattered (to me) If you want something to work you have to work with the person. Not say "if you loved me you would..." or do something hurtful then say "just kidding" cause if that was the case then our whole relationship was a joke to you. But it wasn't to me. When you love someone you love them despite the fact they're not pleasing u Day in day out. I want love the way I love my cat. It's unconditional. Hear me out...he doesn't necessarily know I love him. He may or may not love me but I DON'T CARE. I love him regardless. He does nothing for me. I tell him I love him and does he say it back? No. He doesn't have to. I say because I mean it, no expectations. You can do something just because you want to, without asking anything in return. It's called selflessness. That's how I wanted our love to be. That's how I tried to love you. I felt your love at times, but mostly in times of tragedy. When I'd feel I was about to lose you & you were about to lose me. Is that what it's going to take for us to not be at war with each other? Someone shouldn't have to slip out of your hands for you to hold tight to them. I needed you to listen to me when I talked to you. Not sit there and not speak but actually hear me. I wanted to know you. Understand YOU from your toes to the top of your head. All of you. But it was destroying me. Did you not see it? Could you not tell or did you just not care? If you can honestly say you didn't notice I was NOT fine then I will take it all back. But how could you say when I needed to be hospitalized in March "how are you doing this to me?" I was on my deathbed and all you could think was about you. You said this in tropical smoothie so don't say I'm full of it. It's not all on you though trust me. I played a big part. I hardly ever put my foot down. I did to the best of my ability. But I lost my voice when I was with you. I felt so unworthy, so lucky to have you that whatever scraps you threw my way I'd gobble up. I'd rather have the worst parts of you than nothing at all. Even if it broke me. I should've set more boundaries; I shouldn't have been such a martyr. I thought if I pleased you, if I sacrificed myself enough then maybe you'd eventually see for once and for all that I gave a fuck. But is that really love? No. That's unhealthy, toxic codependency. Me trying to get you to fill a void inside because I felt so low about myself. That's daddy issues I need to fix. And I am working on my problems. I go to therapy, constantly looking at the skeletons in my closet because I don't want it to be like that anymore. You inflicted pain on me and I thought I deserved it. Masochism is not sexy. I know better now. I'm not perfect by any means. I never will be-none of us are. But I'd like to think I'm not a doormat. I like myself a lot better when I'm honest. Other people seem to like it too. It's more attractive to be transparent anyway. I have needs, wants and desires and if you can't meet them then I'll do it myself. I know what I will and won't stand for. As the saying goes "if you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything". I take responsibility for not standing up for myself, for smiling when I felt like screaming. After all, how were you supposed to know I was unhappy if I was acting happy all along (to an extent)After I saw youSo I wrote this whole thing before today. It’s ironic how life works. I was just taking a walk & decided to go a different route. I was listening to this song thinking OF YOU and I see a silver KIA. My heart drops. I hold my breath because it looks like it was in the driveway of this kid I went to school with or your friend. Then I got closer and saw the infamous HAY and was like holy fuck what do I do holy mother of god just keep walking. I turned the corner stammering and tripped on the sidewalk, smooth. I was talking to myself like some maniac and didn’t know what to do. Do I turn around? Do I call someone? Scream? Stop walking and sit on the side of the road. But you came back. You came back for me. Yes that boosted my ego a bit knowing you cared. Don’t think I didn’t see that hand over the face side look you gave. Seeing you was probably similar to when people first see a meteor shower, or a shooting star for the first time… WOAH. But I did better than I thought?! I expected vomiting some defecating and possible hospitalization from a severe panic attack. All within a span of 24 hours I’ve – gotten rejected, got told by my therapist she’d no longer be taking me as a client, possibly fired, gotten a Brazilian wax, got a huge tube stuck up my vagina and chunks of my cervix removed, and now saw you. What a day. There was so much I wanted to say. I don’t know why I invited you inside, I have to pretend I’m over it right? We’re supposed to act all tough and like we’re cool kids who have no feelings. Well sorry, that’s not me. I don’t fit the bill because I can’t put on a mask and just act like nothing ever happened. When I hear his name I think hell, heaven, and everything in between. So I will start to wrap this up the best way that I can [to be honest it’ll still probably be another 3 pages but I want to get this letter to you so I’m trying to hustle] I wish loving you could just be an afterthought. We’ll never be able to turn back time, as much as I want to, as much as I wish I could. But thank god for that though right?! Life sucks and is wild sometimes, maybe a lot of the time. But the people you meet, places you go and the lessons you learn along the way, are invaluable. I did end things with you partly because my mom and largely due to my psychiatric condition. But a big piece of it was because I never felt like I was enough for you. The best parts of me kept falling short, and I couldn’t trust you. I had so much disgust towards myself, towards you, and I felt nothing but contempt coming from your side at times. I sobbed much more than I rejoiced and after a while it got tiring. No matter how badly I wanted to pull you back, rewind wasn’t an option. It wasn’t meant to be. I abandoned who I truly was. You burned holes in me that no man could fill; thank god you did though, because I needed to know how to make myself whole. Today I told you I had a boyfriend. He wasn’t a bad guy. He was just immature but he tried. I broke up with him because he was more a filler. When I was with him I’d be wishing I was with you. It’s not that I didn’t like him, it’s just I knew I’d never want to be anybody’s rebound and he deserved someone who would love HIM. We remain civil and are still friendly. He was somewhat sadistic and had a bad temper. He got pretty hostile and aggressive at times with some jealousy issues. I wouldn’t deal with that so I knew it wasn’t a good fit. Not once during our relationship did I ever stop thinking of you and it drove me mad. You’re very rare. I wish you knew how I see you. I wish I could look at the world through your eyes. I want you to know that you are never alone. That sounds so corny but I promise if you’re ever thinking of me, I’m most likely thinking of you. Not wishing death upon you or whatever. Mainly, I’m saying this to you because I want you to know who I really am. My heart has been empty the last year so I’ve learned how to fill it myself. I want you to know that you can be happy again. I take comfort in writing, dancing, coloring, reading, drawing, yoga, photography. Despite all the world throws at us, it’ll be ok. That’s what I know. It’s not OK & then it is again. Not one of us is to blame. I’ve picked up my phone a million times and tried to dial your number. It has been so long. It’s never easy but it does get easier. The first few months I felt like I was going to die. I wanted to. I told my friends I couldn’t live without you, I don’t want TO. You asked me if I still think about you and the answers obvious. Don’t get a big head now. Sometimes all we have left are memories. Sometimes all were left with is a mess. But it’s up to us to clean up that mess and start again. All we can do is try right? I’m sorry that I tried to change you. We can make the world a better place. All we have to do is start with a single change but the only person we can change is ourselves. We can’t change for anyone; we have to want to change for our own good, our own reasons. You asked if I wanted to talk to you again and of course I do. Like that song by lady gaga “you could give me a million reasons to walk away but all I need is a single one to stay”. I think that’s the words at least I don’t know I don’t listen to the radio. But I can’t watch it end the same. For so long I couldn’t listen to my favorite music, the songs hurt too much because they reminded me of you! It took forever to move on from what went wrong and how we got to where we were. I’m finally at a point in my life where I just let it be. I’ve cried hundreds of tears over you. I got so sick of it. It sounds so cliché. Not cute. I figured eventually I’d have no tears left to cry. Isn’t that what they say? Yes and no. We’re probably better off without each other. I don’t know why everyone hates being single? I mean, I love it. It’s a great time to be selfish and get to know yourself. All I can say is, if you are going to be with somebody, know what you have when you have it. I hope I do. We take people and life for granted too much. You felt so much like a curse, but you too were a blessing. You made me feel this magic I didn’t know was possible. But I can’t forget nights at 3am talking to myself, debating on staying or leaving. You taught me what bravery truly is and to that I say thank you. I know why we had to say goodbye but it doesn’t mean I don’t miss you. I don’t know if I ever will stop missing you. The thing about relationships is it forces you to put your heart on the line. To be courageous since people can wake up one day and change their mind. You’re going to get heartbroken in love. It’s part of life. It can feel like the worst part, like a punishment. But it’s really the best. When you feel sorrow over a lost love, you know you loved deeply. And what’s a greater gift than that? We talk down to people we love too easily because we know they love us, we know they’ll take it. That doesn’t make it alright. It can turn into verbal/mental abuse and abuse is the opposite of love. Abuse isn’t just physical. Physical abuse is often the least painful part. Words are like daggers that leave an imprint on your soul. Playing mind games, becoming tyrannical and robbing our loved ones of emotional nurturing is far worse in my opinion. I’ll end with this – I pray you love without pride ever getting in the way. It’s something I’m working on. Seeing you today threw me for a loop [is that the saying?] No matter where this leads, or where life takes us, when you love, love deeply and fully. I believe I gave you the best of me, the most I could. I’d like to think everybody’s doing the best they can with what they have. I know you have a lot of stored up resentment inside you; a lot of anger. Forgiveness isn’t something you do for someone else; it’s a way of releasing yourself from the prison you create yourself when you harbor rage. It’s a gift you give to the world so that you’re free to love again. Or else you’ll just take it out on those who love you, consciously or unconsciously. This I know to be true. You my friend, are my weakness. You create this chaos in my world I wouldn’t want anywhere else. Leaving you was the hardest decision of my life. You changed me, for better and for worse but mostly for the better. I hope you find what you want someday. Life leads us down roads we don’t know why we’re heading towards, but I believe one day we’ll see why. You are unforgettable. Loving you was a pattern of self-discovery because I always end up learning something new about myself. Pain, suffering, hurt, it’s all part of the human experience. You’re an experience I’ll never forget. It’s all too beautiful to forget, after all

Love, Lauren

#trauma #traumatic #traumatized #narcissisticabuse #domesticviolence #abuse #emotionalabuse #letter #loveletter #loveletters #heartbreak #heartbroken #heartbreaking #heartbreaker #journal #journalentry

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anothergirlrecovering · 6 years ago

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Dietician day three

Yikes was I called out big time by the dietitian today. When I got there she weighed me and then asked how I was doing and I said good and asked how she was doing and she said she was OK and she has had a stressful week because of clients who are straddling the fence of recovery and she is worried about them but that they are OK as of today and so she’s doing better but she said she knows that something that I must understand with when your people aren’t doing so well and I said yeah I actually got one of those emails yesterday and she basically said how people with eating disorders often minimize things and think that they’re going to be fine and the reality is that it leads to treatment or death and then she basically asked me where I felt like I was in all of that and I said I completely understood and I think I also relate to that aspect of minimizing these I think on the one hand I’m like I mean I’m close enough to a healthy weight and I feel like I look fine So it’s like that part of me that’s like it’s not really a big deal but then there’s also the part of me that knows that my husband is may be worried/add a point I really can’t maintain this because I know that if I keep losing weight he’s going to eventually realize and be worried and I told her about the comments that he had made and she was like do you really think he doesn’t know that you’re struggling and I was like no I mean I don’t know and I explained how he has so much going on right now with his job and with his grandma that it was like I feel like it would be easy to kind of overlook me and she was like I don’t think so because usually I mean that’s your spouse that you live with your his number one priority and I think his comments show that he’s like babe I’m freaking out and I’m worried about you and maybe you are minimizing that but I think his actions and the things he is saying are pretty indicative of the fact that he’s worried and he knows and she was like honestly people can tell. She said that she could tell as soon as she saw me that I’ve been dropping more weight and I had said something about accountability and not wanting to talk to my husband because that would mean that I am struggling and not just accidentally missing meals and she was like well for one you are struggling and for two I think he knows and when I said that I don’t want to tell friends or ask for their support or accountability part of that is because I think people would question whether or not I should be working with eating disorders and I was like because I don’t think that I’m actually affecting them negatively right now and she was like well but you are because you had the one client with the comment and then she was like I mean visually speaking they’re going to know she was like I can tell just looking at you that you’re not healthy and she was like I’m sure they realize that you are under weight right now and in some ways that’s going to affect them. She asked me about exercise and then said that exercise is a privilege for those in recovery so I’m not allowed to do any right now other than some gentle stretching. She asked about sort of a timeline for things because she said she had talked to Lynn and they had kind of talked about how I’ve been doing well and then you know this is my third week in a row where she was like you’re not just dropping weight I mean you’re dropping several pounds between week so somethings not going OK and she said quite frankly I would call this a relapse. I think I was just kind of stunned and just stared at her for a minute and she was like I mean it is kind of what it is you’re dropping a lot and she said she want to help me get back on track. We talked about the sort of timeline for things but there isn’t really a very good timeline like I don’t know why I started to struggling more other than the fact that attention was brought to it but I explained my sort of history in the past year with initially my weight when I saw Lynn and then have it dropped a little bit at the beginning because I freaked out over her abandoning me and then it went back up a little bit but I never went all the way back up and how in the past few months it had dropped just a few pounds but then now it’s just continuing to drop even more. She was like maybe we need to do a very structured meal plan and I said that actually would be really helpful and she asked if I’ve had one before and I said I think it would been a long time. Also I thought was funny because she called me Amber again And she was like have you had a structured meal plan and I laughed and I was like honestly it’s just funny because when I relapsed and went to treatment the dietitian was supposed to give me one and she totally forgot Amber was the one who actually called her out and so I had to get one at the very end but she never really followed up with me and the first time I was in treatment I don’t remember I’m think I might have but I definitely wasn’t following it all I remember was that I would go into the appointments and the dietitian would be like you need to eat more and I would not in my head and walk out so I was like I think I mean I remember doing a lot with trying to make sure I had the right food groups and I had like to that and she was like OK so the macro nutrients which is good so she took out a paper and went through a very structured meal plan regarding which nutrients I need to be eating. She said I don’t really need to be eating lotta vegetables right now because the main focus needs to be some of that weight gain and they don’t really sustain you very well she asked me if I’d had breakfast at all this week and I said at least three days I think and I was like hang on I can check and she was like oh are using recovery record and I was like yeah so she was like hang on then we are going to link up right now so she took out her phone and we linked up on recovery record. I had no idea that peas were considered a starchy food. Not that I eat peas, but apparently that’s a thing. She was super sweet and supportive and talked about how her role is to help me stay on track so that I can do the deeper work that keeps me falling back into the same patterns. She’s just so sweet and supportive and it’s strange to me but it was helpful. There is still That anxiety around it being all or nothing like it feels like I need to completely do you all of the meal plan or none of it at all and I don’t really know why because that’s stupid. We talked about how if I don’t start gaining weight the only way that this path ends is in treatment again or death and she said that I’ve worked far too hard to go back to that. I agreed and she asked if it would be helpful to think about what I have worked hard and gained in recovery and I was like maybe and she said well it sounds like you’ve done a lot of rebuilding your marriage and I said yeah I think so and I explained how things have been so bad back then and there was a point in a fight that we had where he said something about how he wasn’t sure if I have a relapse if you would be able to stick out the relationship again and I think that gives me anxiety about talking to him about struggling and she was like well that makes sense. We also talked a little bit about how she said my believes about my weight are based off of my parents who have eating disorders and what they think is wrong and what they have thought and taught me was wrong. I told her about how when I was 14 I weighed 99 pounds and was 5 foot seven and she was like oh my God it’s a wonder that you even started your period and I was like yeah I don’t know I think I just thought it was natural but it’s hard to know what was ever truly my natural weight and what was a product of being restricted from eating and she was like I find it really impossible to believe that 99 pounds at 5 foot seven was natural and healthy and I was like yeah I don’t now. And she was like well I want you to hear me, what your parents taught you was wrong. She was like you were at a healthy weight and I explained the home at 149 pounds I got ripped apart for going to college and getting fat and so I actually showed her the picture that I used to always destroy myself with and I was like honestly there’s a part of me that looks back at it now and I’m like what the heck I was just an average weight and she looked at it and she looked so befuddled and she was like you look completely healthy like this is probably what your body wants to be and I was like no that was my body when I was eating a shit ton of pizza and cookie dough and she was like yeah you were eating and I was like but I was like not eating fruits and vegetables because I went to college and just ate whatever I wanted because I can suddenly eat white bread and chicken skin and pop tarts god for bed and she was like either way your body was healthy and you looked healthy and she pointed out that my standard for having not looked good was off of my parents and extended family and that wasn’t healthy and they weren’t right. I said the idea of going up to 149 terrifies me and she was like well don’t worry, it’s not my goal to make you’ll be sent it’s not my goal to make you 149. She said she lets get back up to that 132 and then we can see from there and talk about where we think your body needs to be but right now we need to really get you to a healthy weight. She said well at this point I would say that you’re in a relapse and I looked at her confused and she was like I mean let’s just call it what it is and I didn’t really say anything but she was like I can ask you if you’re restricting but I don’t have to because I know that you are based on the amount of weight that you have been losing. She said she thought that I needed to hear that and I think Innoway I did need to know that she is talking about it as a serious problem and she did ask what I heard her saying and all this and I was like I mean I’m hearing you say that you’re concerned and that this is a bad path if I don’t turn around and she was like exactly we need to turn the ship around now because you don’t want to lose everything you’ve worked hard for. She also said that she wants me to bring my breakfast next time and we will eat breakfast together. She was like did you eat breakfast before coming? I was like no I never eat before therapy or dietician apts because I have too much anxiety and I get worried I’ll throw up and she was like well you have to sit through that discomfort because you can’t just not eat and I was like well I never actually throw up but I get get so anxious I get nervous that I will and shewas like I’m sorry I make you anxious and I was like it’s not you it’s everything and she was like I know but it’s still something that gives a lot of people anxiety and it becomes habit and normal that we just eat together and she said to use whatever excuse I needed to to make myself eat. He was like I don’t care if it’s peggy said I can or should. She said a lot of clients use the peggy says I can. She wrote down my goals and made a copy and said to take care of myself this week and she would keep up on rr. She had smiled when she saw me texting and I explained that my husband and I were literally texting about how much we love our dog. She said she has a lab and said how he’s getting old and has hip issues and I was just like god never mention old age again lol. She said she’s allergic so the dog doesn’t sleep with her so I’m assuming that’s part of why she isn’t nearly as sad as I’d be talking about my dog getting old lol

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